#comes out when im helping people especially when online so its like :/ sorry i suck at showing my average self and I feel like you cant say | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

izusun · 3 years ago

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ALRIGHT I'M THE ANON WHO SENT THE STRIPPER AU SO IM DUMPING ANOTHER AU THAT I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ONTO YOU (don't ask where it came from lmao)

Basically, quirkless Izuku gets a vibe check early in life when he realizes that his mom is really struggling to survive after his father walked out (no I'm not projecting onto him shut up-). Through middle school he slowly comes to the realization that capitalism sucks actually, especially when you are or are related to someone quirkless.

The sludge villain incident happens relatively as normal, only this time after rescuing Katsuki he fucking snaps at the pro heroes on the scene, then goes home without running into All Might. He does a bunch of research on pro hero scandals, losing that hero fanboy mindset as he goes along, but also does research into vigilantism and pre quirk media, discovering an ancient European pre quirk tale about a figure who robbed the rich and gave it back to the poor and needy.

Now he's on the streets as the vigilante "Robin Hood" who robs corrupt heroes and politicians and then uses that money to preventatively stop crime (donating to homeless shelters, giving it to various community centers for addict recovery programs, etc; he'd also stop any crime he happened to come by on the way to and from heists). He may or may not collect various other teenagers in his band of Merry Men all while Izuku dodges around telling Katsuki what he actually does all day (yes Kaachan's the Maid Marian stand in fight me).

TLDR; Quirkless Izuku becomes the vigilante "Robin Hood" thanks for coming to my TED talk-

- Goblin anon (I'm claiming it now, it's mine)

HI GOBLIN ANON!!! your au dumps in my ask box are always welcomed and loved!! sorry for the late reply hnsnsns, my lectures just ended

quirkless + vigilante midoriya who gave up on the hero system IS my fave trope, i’m not even joking. and this au??? this is just godtier!!

i have a thing for midoriya snapping at the heroes during the sludge villain incident. to set up the mood, i’d like to just unpack that scene for a bit.

ok sure there are many things that probably happened behind the scenes during that incident, such as them calling for more equipped reinforcements to take down the villain, but i think that they should have also done more for bakugou. like at least buy time to ensure he wouldn’t suffocate or, idk, strike a deal with the the sludge villain because their priority shouldn’t have been apprehending him but should have been saving bakugou. so imagine midoriya thinking the same thing i did. the torch he carried for heroes have dwindled over time and this was the breaking point.

imagine him growing up, accepting that sometimes the society just turns its back on you because you’re quirkless. imagine him thinking that there are certain thresholds only the quirked individuals would ever get to cross. imagine him thinking that being a hero really is only for bakugou and not for him. then-

then midoriya sees this powerful and strong individual who he kept looking up to at the hands of the same villain who also almost killed him, choking and panicking because the heroes are not doing anything. he thought that heroes only do nothing when you’re quirkless, but apparently they also do nothing to people like bakugou. bakugou who has a perfect quirk and a smart mind and who’s so so young. bakugou who the heroes aren’t even helping.

and midoriya snaps. he snaps because heroes do nothing to everyone. he thought he was the anomaly because of his pinky toe and everything, but no. the hero system is just fucked up. so as he ran towards bakugou and hurled his bag on the eyes of the villain, he thinks the hero system failed us but i will not. and he thinks i will not be a hero because i do not want to be like them. and he thinks i am here.

and so he saves bakugou and the heroes berate him for-? for what? for doing their jobs? he laughs maniacally and goes off. he spills his anger, spills the way it took a puny, quirkless middle school boy to save the day, and people are watching. people are watching the way he is screaming and opening his heart and pouring and pouring everything he never would have said, and the heroes are silent. they are silent as they listened. all of the them were.

people filmed this exchange, posted the videos they took online and then even more people listened to him. and midoriya sees this huge response and support; he sees the way people agreed with him so it helped him push his plans forward.

and so he does many many research and opens up several cases against slimy heroes and billionaires, and boom, he’s japan’s robin hood.

OK BUT we can’t have vigilante midoriya without dadzawa. LOVE ME SOME DADZAWA. and maybe parental tsukauchi because i love these two just trying to help this little vigilante who is too angry at the world who failed him, but never fighting the world back. they care for their little vigilante who shouldn’t be awake at the crack of dawn, busting out villain groups upon villain groups on his own. they care for their little vigilante who is becoming too popular.

so popular that even villains are looking for him. and maybe there would be an altercation between the LoV and midoriya, and who else would save him if not for dadzawa (and tsukauchi)?

also i’d like to imagine that bakugou too was moved by midoriya’s explosion of a speech. he’s taken aback and goes “huh, he’s right.” so he tries bridging their relationship back and midoriya always loved his friend so he accepts AS LONG AS bakugou does not cross him. because even if the hero system failed midoriya, as long as bakugou, who’s willing to change, still wants to become a hero, then there is hope in changing the hero system from the inside. to reshape it to how it should be.

and so bakugou enters UA and is more open (he’s in therapy) to everyone compared to canon (although not as much, still), and almost has a heart attack when aizawa pulled him aside one day, in the middle of the term, and asked if he knew who robin hood is. of course bakugou’s a master liar so he says no but aizawa is squinting his eyes at him.

also imagine: midoriya recruiting shinsou (they’re apparently from the same help group and they met up one night when midoriya saved shinsou from middle school bullies who cornered him and berated him even if he’s already in UA) and bakugou accidentally recruiting hatsume because she saw that someone changed some of his hero gear and she wanted to meet the smart genius who did it (it’s midoriya).

so midoriya’s circle grew from bakugou to now with the addition of aizawa, tsukauchi, hatsume, and shinsou.

(it probably would expand more because midoriya would stumble on this juicy information about the number 02 hero, endeavour but that’s for next time!)

AHHH ok i’m gonna cut it here because it’s getting too long BUT I LOVE LOVE THIS dhaksjwk

THANK YOU SO MUCH, GOBLIN!!!

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bakujho · 4 years ago

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Strap in folks, it’s rant time.

So, let's talk a bit about manipulation and abuse present in fandom. It’s uncomfortable, but fuck it lets go, I’m tired of the “good vibes only” push that sweeps all this shit under the rug. I’m not pretending to be an expert by a longshot here and I’m happy to discuss, but I have dealt with enough abusive and manipulative people personally and professionally to spot em a fucking mile away and generally keep my distance. Unfortunately, I’ve noticed a gross trend where there are people being attacked, then are guilted into keeping quiet because the Abusers make it seem like it’s not worth mentioning or that it doesn’t really matter... Unfortunately, the Abusers know exactly what they’re doing, they’re really fucking good at it, and they know exactly the kind of response they’re going to receive (because in some cases, this isn’t the first fandom they’ve pulled this same shit in).

Right off the bat though, lets get some basic facts about fandom out of the way. No one in fandom owns any character: be it interactions, personality or anything else about said character. No fandom creator owns an idea, or has any right to tell people off for having similar ideas/techniques/styles etc. There’s no such thing as a completely original singular thought, and pretty sure if you think of something ‘original’, there’s inspiration from another source. No one owns a hairstyle, a costume, a backstory, a colour scheme, an item, a scar etc etc. If someone has a similar thing, neat, clearly you’ve got similar tastes. If someone has a carbon copy of your creation on multiple points, ABSOLUTELY question it, but having the same hairstyle isn’t copyright infringement, and having a similar history isn’t ripping someone off, it’s coincidence.

Going to put the rest under the cut, CW for manipulation tactics, abuse, and all those sorts of goodies.

So, I’ll start with the Abusers here. Everyone knows who they are, they know who they are, unfortunately the victims of them are worried about speaking out because, for the most part, the ones abusing people are in a position of perceived power and speaking out against them can put the victim in a tricky position. No one wants to be ousted from a fandom they enjoy for speaking out against someone that’s been around fandom since its inception. Which brings me to my first point.

Power: Abusers LOVE the feeling of having power (be it follower count, general clout, perceived hierarchy etc) and get really uncomfortable when they feel someone new comes to threaten their position. So, what do these people do in that situation? Option A is to completely ignore and hope they’re not dethroned, Option B is befriend immediately and subtly manipulate the person to keep a close eye on their actions. Keep your friends close, but enemies closer amirite?

So how the fuck does a person subtly manipulate another person, shouldn’t it be obvious? Fuck man, I wish. But there’s a lot of different techniques used to keep people reigned in and submissive: guilt tripping, evasion/diversion, attention seeking, lying, intimidation, playing the victim etc etc. So obviously these will all present differently based on the abuser, but the goal of all of them is the same. To stay in power, and keep control over everything they can.

So how would all of these present online? (of course these examples leave some wiggle room for context lost in text/translation/cultural differences etc, but for the most part it all fits the same pattern that the abuser would use in a face to face situation).

Guilt- tripping: “Well you wouldn’t be here if not for me” “You owe me for your place in the fandom” “well if we really were friends you’d do this for me…” etc etc. Things that pit your emotional attachment to the Abuser against you, the closer you are, the easier it is. Suddenly the Victim finds themselves indebted to the Abuser for their ‘friendship’ that the Victim didn’t realize was conditional.

Shaming: Invalidating the victims feelings by saying things like “even a child knows better than this”, “it’s okay you don’t understand, you’re probably young”, “I’ve been around fandom longer so I know how things go” etc etc. It makes the Victim feel like they’ve done something wrong by drawing boundaries for themselves, or sticking up for themselves. Remember, the Abuser doesn’t want to lose their crown so they will talk down to their Victims to make them more unsure of their stance, second guess themselves, and feel bad that they spoke up in the first place.

Projection: “Others have done X to me, I would NEVER do the same” It’s a simple yet effective tactic. The Abuser takes the things they’ve done to people, say it happened to them, and shift the blame to the now faceless enemy so the Victim feels obligated to side with the abuser because, yea, those things mentioned fucking SUCK and no one wants to experience it. No one wants to be that asshole saying “no you deserved it” (because no one fucking deserves to be doxxed, swatted, hacked, etc etc)

Playing-the-victim: Abusers LOVE playing this game. It’s their bread and butter to set the stage for manipulation. “Having a really hard time rn, sorry im such a fuckup”, “struggling with mental health”, “this is all so hard for me” (legit though, if you are struggling please seek help where/when you can, mental health is important). So any of these statements alone can be harmless, and overlooking someone's mental health can have dangerous outcomes, HOWEVER, when these sort of statements are paired with the other things mentioned, it’s no longer simply a vent or a way to work past personal demons, it’s a way to gain sympathy and support, and it is very intentionally done to garner that emotional response from those that will listen to them.

Attention-Seeking: can be as simple as “no one interacts with me anymore”, making a dramatic vague post, deleting that same post and making a newer, more dramatic post but this time seeking affirmation from the good responses of the last post, posting cryptic messages that ooze “ask me what happened” (vaguebooking is a plague), basically anything that is asking for a response without asking. How is it manipulative though? Guilt. If you’re aware of the Abuser, these types of posts are meant to abuse the Victim's sense of empathy, the natural response to these sorts of posts is “what happened, I’m sorry that happened to you”.

Diversion/Evasion: straight up changing the subject or switching the blame to anywhere BUT the Abuser. The Abuser says “change X you’re copying me”, the Victim responds “I feel I didn’t copy you”, and the Abuser presses “well the fandom might not think so” and changes it from a personal issue to a larger, more aggressive problem. In this case, the Abuser is the ONLY one with a problem, but are purposely misleading the victim to take the blame off themselves. It’s not THEIR problem, it’s the FANDOMS problem...now making it the Victims problem.

Blame: Abusers love to blame everyone BUT themselves for their perceived problems. Fandom isn’t interacting with them as much? It’s the fandom that’s dying. More drama in the fandom? Well there’s too many people here now. Getting called out for bad behavior? That’s the problem of the person who CLEARLY doesn’t understand how fandom must work. It’s the age old tale of “I’m perfect, it’s obviously everyone else who is wrong”. At what point does the Abuser realize that they may be the cause for their own misery? They don’t.

Intimidation: This is a fun one that’s usually a last resort because if the Abuser is pretending to be a sheep caught in a snowstorm, it doesn’t look good for them to publicly announce they’ve been the wolf the whole time. It looks like “well I have X on you”, “if you only knew what I could say about you”, and “I could ruin you” type shit. Of course, in most cases, the Victim hasn’t done anything to warrant this sort of aggression, but the queen is losing her pawns and is now grasping for anything to fight back with. And who knows what sort of lengths the Abuser has gone to to gain information on the victim. It’s pretty easy to find out a lot about a person online, so the Victims back down due to the threat of the unknown.

Avoidance: refusing to talk about the problem, which is an issue I have with fandom itself, in this case. The “no drama good vibes only” is so fucking detrimental when there are problems that need to be addressed. An Abuser will push the narrative that they’re only here for a good time and don’t want drama, while actively creating drama in the shadows. Its not a problem if we don’t talk about it, right? If no one knows, it’s fine. It’s fine. No, it’s manipulative, and if there are problems they NEED to be talked about, because that’s how you find resolutions.

Denial: This one ties in with avoidance and blame, in that the Abuser will straight up deny that they’ve ever been, or have ever created a problem. The Victim is making a big deal from nothing, they can’t control how others feel about them, so they’ve done nothing wrong. The Abuser will claim they had the best intentions when approaching someone, so clearly they have done nothing wrong.

Lying: Including omitting any information from arguments that may paint the Abuser in a bad light. The Abuser absolutely doesn’t want anyone to find out what they’re up to, so they’ll say exactly what they need to to change the narrative surrounding them. It could be minor changes to conversations to complete fabrications. Ex “I only approached X to make sure they were okay after X happened”, but X screenshots tell a completely different story. It’s not always easy to catch an Abuser in a lie, especially when there’s the push for “no drama” so no one talks about their personal experiences and can confirm/deny what was/reported to be said.

So bringing all of those points together and bringing it back to the Abuser wanting to have the power to control what they like/don’t like in fandom. Once they have that feeling of invincibility, they may coyly ask people to delete posts that could lead back to them looking bad, politely ask another creator to change their creation because the Abuser doesn’t like it, or them asking nicely to stop interacting with another member of fandom the Abuser doesn’t like. It may not seem like much at a first glance...after all they asked nicely. However, once you look a little harder and a little longer, it becomes very clear that the intention is to stay in control. The Abuser will do ANYTHING to stay on top, and will employ every trick they have in their arsenal to sew discord and mistrust amongst other members of the fandom to keep the fingers pointed anywhere but at themselves.

So, sound familiar to anyone? My inbox is open for anyone who wants to chat about the topic. If I’ve now made you uncomfortable and you’re going to unfollow/block, cheers, wish you the best. And if you’re feeling called out and attacked by my post? GOOD, stop being a fucking shitty person.

A few last reminders before adding some resources:

Setting and enforcing personal boundaries is not abuse.

Choosing not to interact with those who make you uncomfortable is not rude.

It is important to call out abuse when you encounter it, it could save someone from becoming a victim themselves.

Always stand up for yourself, you’re your own best advocate.

Now for some resources: I used a few of these while researching along with my old textbooks from my psych, abnormal psych, and human relations classes I took back in university.

Manipulation tactics

How to recognize a guilt trip

How to spot an attention seeker

#deep breath #i think that's all i have to say about this right now #for now at least #when i get salty i get real salty #fandom is the worst sometimes #though people in it can be worse #discourse

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cozycornerwritings · 4 years ago

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hi!! for the match up thing i’m indian-american, 5’6”-5’8” naturally rapunzel-length, wavy hair (brownish), glasses, brown eyes, corner dimples, aquarius, i’m an ambivert, i love video games, editing, reading, writing, sleeping lol, and i’m not good at drawing but i like doodles and coloring. i love k-pop (casual listener) and some non-kpop songs & i love watching a lot of anime & reading BL 🕴🏻 & manga. i get closed off in groups because i get anxious and i get negative thoughts and how i’m probably not even wanted there bc of bad experiences. in public i can get suuuper anxious because i’m rlly sheltered bc of my parents and i get all shaky. same like in public w/o my parents like i get shaky and an anxiety / panic attack and want to cry. ive never experienced things bc of my family like ‘normal’ stuff like the beach, traveling, ice skating, movie theaters and stuff. i hate it and i dont have the best relationship with my family they can be really toxic sometimes and the whole anxiety thing and that makes me feel really depressive and su*cidal sometimes for a while. i love physical affection and being shown that or told words affirmation. but irl i get awkward and shy w physical affection bc ive never experienced it and idk how to do it. im good thru text, irl i can keep a convo going. thru calls i get shy and nervous, especially if it’s the opposite gender. my face gets red easily like i blush a lot and it’s not hard to make me flustered lol. when i get like that or don’t know how to respond i just giggle bc idk what to do or say. if im sad and going thru it i make jokes to cover it up and laugh it off, one time someone just asked ‘are you ok’ after i did and my voice cracked ‘no not really’ and i started crying 😃 i keep stuff to myself (unless i trust that person to tell them stuff nd open up to them) i do have trust issues and i’ve never rlly had friends irl my parents are strict and never let me go out. online i dont rly have much friends either. im rlly observant, and like descriptive / detailed as u can tell 😭 kinda sucks thoo because a lot of people don’t read what i say bc they said they cant b bothered n it’s too long but i just get rlly engrossed into things & dont half-ass stuff and just wanna explain everything properly 😭 i can be sassy and give attitude, and i can be mean. BUT i never do that to someone unless they did me dirty. i dont like arguing. that side of me can be shown thru arguments but only again like if the other person is doing the same and is being mean and disrespectful to me first. i do have a lot of patience and endure things until it’s become like a problem? i make sure to communicate. i never ignore people, i’m not petty unless i have a good reason if they did something to me. i’m really funny i swear 😭 and i can be emotional / sensitive depending on what it is but i know when someone is joking but i know when things are taken too far and i have boundaries. i take caution when meeting people bc trust issues so i’m not that clingy unless i 100% like can count on them and comfortable with them trust them etc. i like teasing friends but just for fun and won’t take it far and make them upset or anything. if i ever hurt someone which i make sure not to i feel super bad and apologize a lot and make sure to never do it again. i try to keep my cool to refrain keeping myself from getting mad but the times i have gotten mad are reasonable and it has to be something super upsetting for me, i dont get mad w/o reason though and i start to angry-cry and yell but i try not to say anything that ill regret and make sure to think of what im saying. i love memes, idk how to describe my humor tho 😭, i’m diligent and considerate! i try to show i care thru actions and words of affirmation and quality time etc. i make sure to remember important stuff someone tells me abt themselves. i have a really good memory i don’t forget things that easily. i care for others a lot and im trying to take care of myself more now too but it can be hard. i’m not a liar i can be really blunt and honest. SORRY ITS LONG 😭

I match you with..

Lemillion!

I’m a firm believer that understanding opposites can bring out the best in each other. Mirio helps you come out of your shell. He loves to stroke your hair, and sometimes playfully pulls it. He is your partner and your best friend, so doing thinks like Pictionary or playing games today are a common occurrence. Joking and cuddling turns into a must for the two of you and you discover how much you love your head pet. His dependable personality provides a safe place for you, and you get the chance to trust in someone fully.

He appreciates how you are careful to watch how you act when you are upset, but loves how full of emotion you are. Seeing you cry breaks him on the inside and he just wants to scoop you up into hugs. Knowing that you have that big goof there helps you with your social anxiety. If someone is talking too much to you and he sees you getting overwhelmed, he will skillfully direct conversation away from you. Mirio gets very protective of you around your family. He constantly holds your hand and you two have established a safe word in case you want to leave. Mirio is more than happy to scoop you into his arms and run away with you. He is so emotionally intelligent and sensitive with you that you feel so safe and secure. If you could use one word to describe him it would be ‘home’. For the first time in a long time you begin to realize what family is, it’s mirio.

Knowing that you haven’t tried many things, you two make an effort to try new experiences together. He often flirts with you, despite the fact you two are together. He brings out the more sexual side of you. You compliment him and flatter him. He loves how much you appreciate him. You two take care of each other and your time is full of laughs.

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goshikitsutomusmommy · 4 years ago

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hi, im so excited for your matchup event!! if its not too much trouble, id like a male matchup please.

top 3 traits:

i’m really good at academics which is helpful bc i want to become a med student and doctor eventually. success in my career is my greatest and arguably most important motivation

introvert who sometimes enjoys hanging out with friends but that rarely happens. idk if it’s because i get social anxiety from being around people, especially new people, but i don’t enjoy it and i’m always super aware of my actions/appearance and i rarely speak. my voice is naturally quiet so that doesn’t help either (i’m a leo surprisingly)

i’m a very agreeable person but that might just stem from my fear of disappointing people. i have a hard time saying no and usually will prioritize someone else’s wants before my own

flaws

damn there’s a lot uh

the best way to hide any insecurities is to slap a superiority complex over them 😎

very little of my self worth comes from myself. it’s always academics, appearance, and others’ opinions of me that make up my confidence

AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE

but once i am attached, i suck at letting go and probably forgive more easily than i should

growing up, appearance was something i always struggled with so now i’m always super conscious of it. its probably not obvious at first because i love to say “oh the reason _____ happened is because i’m hot isn’t it” since i love projecting confidence and it’s so much easier to do that than actually self reflect on what im doing wrong

ANYWAYS, moving on 😀

likes:

caffeine (monster energy, coffee, whatever)

cats

the adrenaline rush from roller coasters

online shopping

doing makeup/planning outfits

sleeping at 4am

spicy stuff that hurt so badly to eat

grocery shopping

hanging out with friends in the middle of the night

dislikes

spending too much time outside

loud people (sometimes)

public speaking

my glasses

bugs. i don’t care if it’s a butterfly- those are just normal bugs with pretty privilege >:(

having bad skin/not wearing makeup

DEHYDRATION. i literally drink 11 cups of water a day

turnoffs:

being rude to waiters. that’s a one way ticket to getting ghosted

clinginess. i need time to myself sometimes and i really hope my partner would understand that

too much commitment. i’ve been told i love you after talking to someone for 2 weeks (apparently they’ve known me for longer but that’s a different thing entirely) we no longer talk

any use of the 🥺 emoji especially when paired with “haha yeah i get why u don’t like me. no girl likes me. i guess nice guys finish last” 🤢🤢🤢🤢

hobbies:

logic puzzles

baking

spotify playlist making

candy crush type games

exercise

any type of self care

reading random, specific stuff. for example, i got super into the language of flowers before

there’s a lot uh

thank you so much for doing this!! i appreciate all the time you put into writing, to make people smile, and i look forward to anything you come up with!!

I Match You with Shirabu;—

When I read your first trait, I already thought about Shirabu, and the more I read, the more your compatibility grew!

Shirabu is extremely academically intelligent and plans to become a medical student as well! His intelligence is always overlooked due to his peers and their volleyball talent, but it’s canon that’s he’s the only one of them that got in Shiratorizawa without a sports scholarship. I doubt he’ll be with someone that isn’t academically gifted.

Again, he’s also introverted, just like you! He does get along with people and all but he prefers sitting in his dorm and studying, education is very important to him after all.

Though Shirabu may seem as a rude person and someone that doesn’t care, that’s far from the truth. The only person he’s mean to —at least outwardly— is Goshiki, he’s very well mannered and respectful to his other peers. That being said, he’ll never joke about your appearance even if he clearly doesn’t mean it, he thinks you’re gorgeous and wouldn’t want you to think otherwise.

He’ll be disheartened to know how you actually feel about your appearance, even though he had a hunch judging by the way you constantly try to make it seem as if you’re confident. He’ll send daily reminders to you, telling you how breathtaking you truly are and to never let anyone make you think differently.

I headcanon Shirabu as a cat father so he would love to feed into your cat addiction LMAOO. Just imagine you and Shirabu going to a cat cafe and petting the cute cats as they nuzzle into your palm. It truly is an adorable sight!

He’s mostly quiet so no need to worry about him accidentally giving you a migraine with his voice, it’s quite soothing actually! And he loves your glasses, he wears glasses himself and knows how insecure he feels with them so he tries to give you extra compliments whenever you wear them <33!

Concerning your deal breakers, Shirabu is literally the exact opposite of all that LMAOO! He’s aloof at times —he is soft for you in his own way though—, mannerly, and chill.

Once he finds out you like puzzles, he’ll buy many puzzles just for the two of you to solve— he purposely gets them difficult just so you would spend more time with him (my heart </33). Like the two of you holding small puzzle pieces trying to mix and match them with other pieces. He loves your concentrated face so that’s just a plus for him <33.

Overall, you and Shirabu are a seemingly distant couple but you’re the softest ever when you’re alone. You’re also intelligent as hell! Your future kids are lucky to have that gene running LMAOO😭😭.

Author’s Note : HIII SORRY FOR BEING SO LATE, also tysmmm for making it organized, it was fun to match you <333 hope you’re happy with this result and thank you for your kind wordsss

#susss. events

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dr-habit-b · 4 years ago

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In pursue of happiness

Stressed and tired.

Yeah, that was a good descriptor of Kamal on any given day. These last few specifically applied especially well, however. He’s not sure why exactly. He never is, but.. he can take a guess.

He rolled from his side to his back, staring up at the ceiling of his room as he hugged a mess of blankets against himself. He’d been awake for hours, but after doing his morning routine.. he just got right back in bed. He couldn’t bring himself to step out the door and face the work day.

Face his boss.

He groaned and smothered his face with his blankets, like it would help him stop thinking about it. But face it, Kamal, its all you’ve been thinking about. When he uncovers his face again he glances towards his window, sunlight slipping in from under his curtains. It had to be well past noon by now.

There was nothing he could do, he had decided hours ago. After extensive thinking, that was his only conclusion. And it frustrated the hell out of him. But honestly, realistically, it was true wasn’t it? He wasn’t stupid, he knew Habit had some... stuff going on, to say the least. Stuff he’d probably never be privy to, cause that’s not his business. So what changed? Why, all of a sudden, did this bother him so much?

...Maybe it was that someone else saw it too. That Habit wasn’t okay. Which confirmed to Kamal that his worries weren’t all just in his head, like they normally are. This was.. real. Very real.

Too real.

The idea that Habit was depressed wasn’t anything new to him. He understood, even though personally he found himself more Anxious than depressed, he’d been there before in his life. He could have helped, had it just been that.

But it... wasn’t, was it.

The idea that Habit went through some kind of trauma was very new to him. Not for any particular reason, it had just.. never crossed his mind. Personally, the biggest traumatic event he went through was falling down the stairs as a kid. That gave him a weird phobia of stairwells, but that was about it. Very cut and dry.

Habit, on the other hand... Kamal didn’t have a single, static idea. There was no way he could possibly guess whatever he must have gone through. Even with the little snippets he knew.. like how Habit was a dentist, and how he profusely refused to talk about it. How the mention of family makes him uncomfortable. A bad home life, maybe? But that could mean so many different things...

Even if he did find out, even if he did manage to get Habit to finally spill the truth... well, what then? What would he even do with information like that? Tell him ‘wow, that sucks, im so sorry.’? Was that it, was that really all Kamal could offer him? A few heartbroken words of apology, when he wasn’t even the one at fault?

No, that was shitty. That was so unbelievably shitty. If someone did that to him, he knows he wouldn't feel any better. So he shouldn't do that to Habit.

Augh, this is assuming Habit would even tell him about these things! He’s made it abundantly clear that there are just some things he Will Not talk about. Kamal respects that, because its not his business.

But, god. God it tears him up inside.

It would be one thing if he was just. Worried about his boss, about his friend. But it was just never one thing with him, was it! He tucked his face against his bundle of blankets in his arms, letting out a weary sigh as he felt his face flush.

This was ridiculous, and, and totally unprofessional, and just!...

Hrrmm... Not fair.

Coming to terms with these feelings had been a Process, one that Kamal still wasn't even through with. But no matter how many circles he ran himself in, no matter how he tried to rationalize or explain away the tight, warm feeling in his chest, he came back to the same answer.

He cared about Habit. More than a boss, more than a friend. Admitting it was hard, considering their professional relationship as boss and assistant. It felt... wrong, somehow. Who falls for their boss?

Suppose Kamal does. And truthfully, was it even.. that weird? After all, Habit and Kamal never really acted like boss and assistant. Those were terms they used, sure, but... first and foremost, it felt like they were friends above all else.

Maybe that’s why it was so easy.

Why it was so easy for them to get along in a way boss and assistant probably wouldn’t otherwise. Playful banter and comments were normal and expected. Habit was a very touchy-feely sort of guy so hugs, head pats, and general comforting touches became normal and expected. Kamal remembered when he thought it was weird, but he got used to it. He liked it, it made him feel... warm, and like he was home.

Lately, that warm, home-y feeling had become so much that it hurt. And oh, god, did that scare him something fierce. Because what.. what was he supposed to do? Even if he did risk trying to see if Habit felt the same way, he.. there was still so much he didn’t know. So much he knows he wouldn’t have the skills to deal with. Sure the possibility of rejection was scary enough as is, but. The thought of trying anyways, and screwing up, or.. hurting him? That was a thousand times more terrifying.

He cared about Habit. The big lug was just an awkward, well meaning teddy bear. He just wanted to make people happy, probably cause.. he wasn’t a very happy guy growing up. He had a big heart and even bigger imagination. He was so friendly and did his best to get along with everyone he came in contact with. It was charming when he gave folks Russian pet names, or how he slipped back into it when talking to himself. And, maybe most importantly, he was really respectful. Kamal’s not sure he’s ever been somewhere or met someone that respected people’s pronouns and comfort so much before.

He finds himself groaning into his blankets again, finding his face even hotter than it was before. That was all well and good, sure. He’ll admit it, he likes Habit! But...

That persistent, nagging anxiety is still there, at the forefront of his mind. The thought that he’ll hurt Habit if he tries to act on his feelings. The thought that he cant do anything to help him in a worthwhile way. Its quick to drain away all that warmth, and leave him feeling cold and tired.

Some assistant he was. Whatever. He was gonna sulk in bed all day. He’d apologize to Habit t-

Knock knock.

Kamal’s thoughts screeched to a halt and his heart jumped up into his throat as the silence of his room was broken. He was so startled and frazzled that he didn’t register the sound of his name, but when he heard the click of his door open he bolted upright just in time to see Habit poke his head in curiously.

Their eyes met and Kamal could see Habit visibly relax.

“Kamal! Oh, goode I was worryed.. You did not an-swer me when I knocked....” He gives the other a sheepish grin opening the door the rest of the way and stepping in. He taps his fingers together a little bit, and worry creeps into his expression again.

“Are... yew o-key? You hav’nt beene to the office.. ah, it is o.k if you’re are not feeling well!! Dide you get sick?” He’s quick to make sure Kamal knows he doesn't have to come up if he’s not feeling well. “Have u eat-en? Eye cam go get soup!”

Kamal’s chest gets all tight, and its almost enough to make him cry. Stop it, stop, stop. He shakes his head and turns away from Habit, rubbing the back of his neck.

“I-... Im.. ok, just... Not really in the mood t’get up, y’know?...” That was... honest enough, he thinks. After a moment of quiet he glances back over at Habit, only to flinch seeing him right next to his bed. Oh Jesus big guy, how were you so quiet?

Habit sighs, before giving Kamal a bright smile.

“Non-sence!! Yew will note feel bettr juste staying in bed! Come, come, I wiil help you.” Before Kamal can protest Habit scoops him up into his arms much like how he did that time Kamal was panicking. He looks pretty proud of himself, even as Kamal sputters in embarrassment.

He would have set Kamal down, had he asked or protested! He would! But he didn’t seem uncomfortable, at least, just embarrassed. That’s okay, the elevator ride up to the office is very short, and Habit is quick to set Kamal down once those doors open into the office. He’ll give him another smile and a pat on the head before stepping inside and going over to their little coffee station. Kamal has presumably been in bed all day, sleeping a lot.. he must be tired! Coffee will help. Coffee always helps.

For a second Kamal could only stand there, his face flush and his chest and throat so tight he felt it was a miracle he could even breathe. He finally stepped out just before the elevator doors started to close on their own, and he made his way to the office computer. The sunlight coming in from the window-wall stung enough as is, but the light of the big, clunky computer was... almost worse. He rubbed his eyes tiredly and decided to poke his head online a bit, see what was happening.

It was becoming very apparent that spending all day in his dark room, barely moving, and then suddenly being carried out into direct sunlight and made to move was gonna give him a killer headache. By the time Habit finished getting Kamal’s coffee already, he was holding his head in his hands and rubbing his temples.

Habit frowned to himself as he set the mug nearby, tapping his heels against the ground. Maybe he shouldn’t have gotten Kamal up... it was a little rude, but he knows how laying around all day feels. Good in the moment! Very not good afterwards. He thought..

Before he could even think about saying sorry, Kamal is already waving him off with one of his hands. He could feel his boss just, staring at him with worry. Didn’t even have to look.

“Im- Im fine, okay. Just... got a headache. Don’t. Worry about it.” He drags a hand down his face with a sigh, picking up his mug and taking a sip of his coffee.

...His tone was too harsh just then, but it was too late to take it back now. He avoids looking at Habit, and after a second of silence he hears a small ‘ok’ before listening to those heels move away from him. His heart sinks, and now he just feels worse. Great, good job Kamal.

The rest of their time spent in the office is... quiet and awkward. Kamal spends a bit of time online chatting a bit, finishing his coffee, but ultimately.

He doesn’t feel any better.

When his headache starts getting too much for him to deal with he finally gets up and leaves. He gives Habit a wave and a short ‘going to bed’, but that’s it. He still doesn’t make eye contact or anything. Just... feels too awkward right now. Try again tomorrow, maybe.. after some sleep he’ll stop being so stirred up inside.

----------

Sleep didn’t help.

Kamal could hardly get himself to fall asleep after he left, and even when he did finally doze off, he kept waking up on and off all throughout the night. Reminded him a lot of his stressed out, tiring college days. You know, like... half a year ago now.

God he’d been working for Habit for about half a year now. It felt like forever...

When the sun finally started to rise, Kamal was already up and about. There was no point in making himself feel even worse trying on and off to get himself to sleep like he had been. He was in bed almost all day yesterday... he had to make it up to Habit.

An extensive morning routine later, he got himself dressed in clean clothes and made his way out of his room. He stopped, briefly, to look at the door to Habit’s room. He contemplated, for a second, knocking and seeing if he was up and about too. Habit was an early riser too... but, no. They could just talk when they met in the office.

The ride up the elevator was quiet and awkward. Stepping into the office was even more quiet and awkward. It didn’t seem like Habit was up yet, which... surprised him, but. It was early, maybe even earlier for him. Maybe.. he was getting some good rest, for once. Hopefully that was the case!

...Who was he kidding. After yesterday, after being so?... Worrying. Even he worried himself. He shouldn’t be letting his mess of feelings affect how he treats Habit. Or, anyone for that matter..

Its a while of just working in silence. He logged into the computer, checked some emails, checked some bills afterwards... not much going on today. Might be a nice, quiet day to just... relax! Relax. That sounds like a good day.

Once he gets some of his daily checkups finished he goes and starts making coffee. He’ll get one for Habit ready too, full of creamer and sugar, he’d appreciate it. Once he finishes he takes his coffee back over to the computer, taking a seat with a sigh. He sips idly as he decides to check on the blog this morning... and almost spits out his drink onto the screen. Wait, wait, what? It looked like there was a new post on blog... he looks around the room for a second, taking in the silence before looking back on the screen. When did Habit?.. Well, he was a very.. sneaky kind of guy, but. Geez, not even a hello?... Or was he just that spaced out making coffee? He couldn’t be 100% sure. Both options were... plausible.

Kamal decides to pull his knees up against his chest, sipping from his coffee idly as he just stared at the computer screen and waited. He kept glancing around the room, as if to see if Habit was sneaking up on him or not. He hadn’t even heard the elevator... or did he? He couldn’t even remember anymore, he was so focused on listening to the brewing coffee.

He groans as he thumps his head against his knees, silently cursing himself for being so... Like This. Useless, stupid assistant... get a grip already. You can do this.

Getting up and walking around a little sounds like a good idea, so thats what Kamal does for the next few hours on his own. Walks around, does some stretches, nothing special. Every now and then he’ll step out onto that little balcony, peering down into the carnival area and looking to the terrace. Hoping he’d see Habit, and maybe get the chance to wave at him, but. No such luck. Maybe he was hanging out with Jimothan or those artists... someone inside, probably. Hopefully.

Against his better judgement, he finds himself spacing out a little, just looking out into the sky. This place really was nice, up in the mountains... they always wondered what exactly this building was used for before Habit came along and bought it, but they never figured anything out. Maybe it was an abandoned passion project, or some sort of strange hotel. They’d never know. Guess it didn’t really matter-

Something suddenly brushes up against his back and his breath catches in his throat as he turns quickly, finding himself staring up at his boss. A smile twitches at the corners of his mouth and he hangs his head for a second as he lets out an over-exaggerated sigh, looking back up at Habit with a grin.

“M-man, big guy, can... can we like. Tie some bells to your sleeves, or something? Y.. you’re way too quiet.”

Habit looked worried for a second, afraid he made a mistake, but when his friend smiles up at him... he relaxes a bit, giving him a little smile back.

“Ah, but yew were note an-swering me.... Are... You feel-img bettr than yes-terday?”

Kamal visibly cringes and he sighs again, dragging his hands down his face for a second. So, he probably did space out earlier, too. God that must’ve been so weird, what was wrong with him?

Wait, no, don’t answer that. He shakes his head, dismissively waving his hands.

“I- no, no I mean yeah I’m. Better. Look, I uh...” He looks back up at Habit, making an effort this time to actually look at him as he speaks this time. His hands go behind him, holding onto the railing of the balcony.

“I’m... real sorry, ‘bout yesterday. I was... Had. Still have. A lot on my mind, and I was all stressed out, but I shouldn’t have... taken that out on you, even if it was only a little bit. So I’m... I’m real sorry, d-... Habit.” He tried his best to keep eye contact, but as he spoke his gaze drifted, till he stopped looking at his boss all together. He just couldn’t help feeling like he had to run away, to hide, to curl up into a tiny little ball and just disappear.

Habit just watched and listened carefully, intently, smiling gently at Kamal even as he started avoiding eye contact. When he finished he reached down and pat his head, only to run his hand down the side of his face and under his chin, coaxing him to look back up at him.

“It iz okay, Kamal. You should’nt worry so much for me. I... should note have gotten you up so sudden-ly. It should be me say-ing sorrey to you.” He smiles a little bigger, and is thankful when Kamal doesn’t protest. He doesn’t move his hand for a little while, till he starts getting embarrassed himself and decides its gone on too long.

He ushers them back inside more boisterously, hoping to clear the awkward air he feels he just created. He’s not dumb, he saw how red Kamal’s face got.

They head back over to the desk, Habit lets Kamal have the chair again while he leans against the desk. He’s tall enough to sit on it pretty easy, but he wont, that’s rude. He sips his cold coffee and they talk about mundane things for a bit.

Bills, emails, whats going on online, how check in went... normal stuff. Everything was normal!

“Do... yew want to. Talk a-bout?... Whate has been botherimg you?...” He gazes down into his last bit of coffee when he asks that question, tapping sharp fingers against the mug, making a peasant little sound. He can see Kamal stiffen up from the corner of his eye.

“It is o-key if you do’nt wante two. I under-stande.” He finishes the last of his coffee, but keeps the mug in his hands, continuing to make that pleasant little clinking noise with his tapping. He glances over to Kamal, who has his knees up against his chest. He really liked to sit like that... Habit never found it very comfortable, honestly.

He perks up curiously seeing Kamal take a big breath, his gaze softening as he realizes he’s trying to calm himself down. He starts to say something, but pauses when his assistant looks at him again.

His expression was... determined! But nervous, and anxious, and a little bit flushed. Habit just barely suppressed a snicker. Not that he would have laughed at Kamal, but... it was very cute. The determination drains from his face as he finally starts to speak, though.

“I just... don’t know if I. Should, y’know? I just, I mean.....” He waivers for a second before bumping his head against his knees with a frustrated groan.

“I. Care about you, Habit. A lot.” Okay, that part was out. Just.. gotta keep going, keep the momentum.

“But its... it’s hard! Not- I mean- not the.. the caring party, I-I more mean the...” No, no, stop. Pause. Take a breath. Try again.

“It’s just that... you’re. You’re my boss... that’s like. A whole thing on it’s own, but at the same time...” His chest tightens, and his expression saddens. Even just thinking about it, about...

“I don’t... really know you. At all. I mean, I know you’re a good guy, obviously. You.. have a big heart, and even bigger imagination. You really... care about other people, and what they want, and what they need. You’ve got such a.. positive energy around you that I just. Wish I had, or, wish I could... be apart of, maybe.” His face flushes a little more, but the words are coming easier now.

Now came the harder thoughts.

“But you never... talk about yourself. And I know that its.. hard, I do. You... you gotta gimmie something to work with though. Like, I.. up until a little while ago, I didn’t even know Habit wasn’t your first name? All I know is, is the tiny bits and pieces that I’ve had to gather and put together myself! And that’s!....” He lifts his head and looks up at Habit again. This time, the taller man avoids eye contact.

“That’s not fair. I- we, promised. That we would talk to each other! I just- I don’t even wanna know everything I just...” He starts to lose steam a little bit, and his momentum is grinding to a halt. He just feels tired now.

“I don’t wanna be in the dark about everything about you... I don’t, don’t wanna have to sit here and.. and assume, and worry, and just not know. All I know, for sure, is that... you had a bad childhood, and you still get nightmares about it. That.. could mean a million different things, a million different ways to know how to... to handle it, I just. I cant just... try and guess.” His voice progressively starts to sound more.. on the verge of panic, maybe? He can feel it in the way he talks, but he’s just so. Tired. He wants to help, he wants to know.

Maybe that was selfish of him.

For a moment that dragged on for an eternity, the two of them simply existed in complete silence. Hugging his knees to his chest was all Kamal could do to keep himself from bolting out of this chair and running away. Or throwing up. Either or. He could feel the anxiety spread from his chest to the rest of his body.

Habit didn’t feel much better. He stared at his mug so intently, you’d think he was trying to shatter it with gaze alone. Just in the tone of his voice, he could tell how deeply Kamal cared. And how much this meant to him, right here, right now.

It was like daggers in his heart. He’d never felt this from someone else before. It was always him giving out this sort of feeling to people. It was like being so deprived of food and finally getting a good meal, after years and years of nothing but scraps, that you couldn’t even scarf down or enjoy without making yourself sick.

Suppose he should have expected this. Lately, his nightmares had been worse. He desperately had been trying to put the past out of his mind, but... recently, it was like everything brought it back to the forefront of his brain. Like an annoying pop-up ad that wouldn’t let you hit the X to close it. It was bleeding out into how he acted, how he reacted, his mannerisms, the little things that made him jump.

Kamal was so smart, of course he noticed. How could he not? It was a miracle none of the other Habititans were as nosey.

After what felt like an eternity, Habit let out a long breath he had been holding. He turned to look at Kamal, his eyes tired and sad. Their gazes met, and this time, neither of them looked away.

“You... really wante to know? You want to knowe thise... part of me, ev-en if it changes how you feel?”

Kamal blinked, Habit’s last comment giving him pause. Changed how he?.. What was he about to tell him, exactly? It could just be an exaggeration, to make him back off, but...

After thinking about it for a second Kamal moved his legs so that his feet were on the ground again, looking up at his boss with a serious expression on his face.

Habit stared at him for a long while before giving him a weary smile, sighing heavily. He mumbled a quiet ‘ok’ before deciding to take a seat on the floor, cross legged with that mug still in his hands. He kept it to occasionally tap on as he thought over his words, where to start, how to say certain things...

He was quiet for a long time as he deliberated, but Kamal was patient, and waited quietly. He even slid down from the office chair to sit on the floor with his boss, which got him to chuckle just a little bit. It seemed to relax both of them, being on equal ground.

After a while, Habit finally spoke.

“Mine family was.... not. The best.” He started, and immediately his expression contorted into an expression Kamal had never seen on Habit before.

Hatred.

Habit tried so, so hard. For almost all of his life, to not let hatred become a normal feeling in his heart.

There had to be times when it slipped in, however. It couldn’t be helped.

“Mom was... verrey over-bearing. She al-ways wanted me to be juste like her. Her... малышка.” He grimaces at that word, not that Kamal understood. “Even whene I told her, thate I was.. umcomfortable, or did’nt want to do something... she did not listen. Ever. How do you say, ah, thate phrase... ‘Mother knowes best’? Yes, that was her. And if I did note list-en...” He shut his eyes for a second, letting out a sigh through his nose before he opened them again. “She... waz not the worste, at least. But, she woulmd pull on mine hair, un-til I cried and cried for her to stop. I am verriy sensative to it even now.. A smal tug will hurt like yew are ripping hair out.” He looks over at Kamal a bit and offers him a reassuring smile. No, he’s not upset you pulled his hair that one time. You didn’t know.

He looks back to his coffee mug, idly rotating it in his hands. When he thinks about what he’s going to say next, he cant help but let out a very short, bitter bark of a laugh.

“My... dad, on thee oth-er hande. Much, muche worse. Two bothe of us, me ande mom.” He stops for a second, taking a deep breath. Trying to settle his anger for a moment, before it bubbled over. “He... only re-spected himselfe. No-one else. God could have come downe in front of him, ande he would note care. He was.... was...” He scratches at the mug in his hands, biting his bottom lip a little bit. Even now, even now.... He shakes his head, resigning that thought for the time being.

“Mom and dad were bothe doc-tors. They were fighting all the time.... Yelling. Screaming. Ne-ver smiling. It... made me so sad.” Even thinking about it now, after everything. It still made him sad. “Once, when I waz... ten. On-ly ten. I had raized a verre special flower.... I wamted to show them. To make them Happy.... I loved flowers verri much, back then... but...”

He sucked in a sharp breath, raising a hand to cover his mouth for a second. He flinched slightly feeling a touch on his arm, only to look and see Kamal staring up at him worriedly. He managed to smile from behind his hand, letting out a shaky breath. He laid a hand over top Kamal’s and left it there, while his gaze drifted upwards.

“Mine dad... he... saw me giving kissies to my flower. I wamted to make him happy, my lily.... but... it did note make dad happy. I stille do not know why, but he got so. Mad. Fury-ous. He... hurt my lily. Thene, he hurt me.” He finds himself lightly tracing over the scars where it happened. He remembered it vividly, and it made him shudder uncomfortably. He wouldn’t go into detail.

“Hhe.. broke mine smile. I was... bro’kn. And my lily was hurt. Oh, I could heer him cryimg.... it was aw-ful. At first, I felt more sad for my lily... but..." He lets out a short, bitter laugh. "Like I saide, I waz... bullied, harsh-le, by mine peers, for my bro'kn smile."

He glances down at Kamal, who hadnt looked away from him this whole time. He could see the worry and pain on his face clear as day... it hurt his heart. He didnt want people to worry about him.

But... Kamal wanted to know. He looks back down at the mug in his hand, his other squeezing Kamal's underneath it.

"They wamted me two be a doc-tor too... they forced me. Eye had no say. I waz made to have per-fect grades, I had tutors, and ex-tra lessons frome a verre early age... hahh, it worked! I waz al-wayes the top of my class.... By the time I waz al-most graduated, I made a de-cision... if I had to be a doctor, eye would be one who helped thoze with bro'kn smiles. Like mine. I be-came a dentist. I... left my home, ande came here. It waz what mine parents wanted, but... I waz happy to leave. To be a-way from them." He sucks in a sharp breath, letting out a long breath. "I hav'nt seen theme since. It haz been... years and years."

He looks wsary as he thinks about the next portion of his life. It... was easier, but.

"Coll-ege, was.... fine. People were so.. un-happy, thou. Just like mom n' dad. No smiles. So muche.. complaining, amd fighting, and sadness. I could'nt bee happy either. I juts wamted to finish and go worke. I... I waz able to finally be me, thou. Thate... thate was nice." He perks up a bit feeling Kamal squeeze at him, and when their eyes meet, he can read his confusion easily. He smiles sheepishly, before turning his head away.

"I waz... raised as a. A girl, yew know. Long long time ago now... But whene I got here, a-way from... everyone eye ever knew, I de-cided to change. It.. it was verrey hard, amd. I still got... got bullied, a lot, but. I chamged my name! And cut my haire... and no, I did'nt like it, haha." He smiles almost.. fondly at the memories, before he starts frowning again. "I stille get... nervouse, going by mine new name. As if... my parents will. Will show up, amd yelle at me, and tell me I ca'nt. Thate it iz not normal, that I ame just..."

He shuts his eyes and grimaces, trying to push the bad thoughts out of his head. No, its okay, you're. Okay. When he opens his eyes again he looks down at Kamal, giving him a small smile.

"The name I chose for mine self, waz.. is, Boris. I do note know, but.. some-thimg about it felt.. right. May-b it was cause it sounded manley, haha! I.. liked it, thou." He casts his eyes downwards, humming a bit. "I coulde never change my laste name... I wamted to, to... tru-ly escapt my parents, but... ah, weel. Mine uncle was a verre good man. Kimd, but stern, and always nice to me... I su-pose I kept it to staye close to him, in a way. Thou, eye doubt I will... ever see him againe."

He takes a deep breath, slowly exhaling through his nose. He doesnt look at Kamal when he speaks up again.

"I knowe it does'nt seem like it, but... there iz a deep, deep hatred for mine parents in my heart. I woulde not be sad for they're deaths. They were..." His voice catches a little bit, but he pushes through it. "...evil. Thate is what I thimk. I coulde tell you so, so much that they did, but... it would be two much. Fore you, and me. I think... yew get the pic-ture though, hah..."

He feels two hands squeezing his arm now and he looks back to Kamal wearily, blinking at his determined expression.

"Do you really think that- that me knowing... any of that, would. Would seriously change how I see you?" His voice cracks a tiny bit, full of emotion threatening to spill over. Habit's- no, Boris' surprised expression doesnt change this. "I still care about you, I care about you so much. I want... to be here for you, to, t-to help you, and, and I..."

Kamal shakes his head and rubs his eyes for a second, fighting off tears threatening to spill over. Be strong, be strong. When he looks back up at Boris, his eyes are still teary, but his expression is still full of resolve.

"I w.. wanna see you happy, Boris. I wanna see you smile for real. Please..."

Ohh... now its time for him to get all teary eyed. Emotions well up in his chest and throat, dangerously close to turning him into a blubbering mess. He hadn't known what to expect, he had never... told anyone these things, before, but he had been expecting the worst. For Kamal to.. get scared, or.. upset, or even grossed out maybe, but no.

Kamal was always so kind and sincere to him. They hadn't even known each other for very long. It was so... he didnt even know how to explain.

"Yy.. y-you're are sh.. shore, Kamal?" His voice breaks, and his tears finally spill over. He has to confirm, he needs to be certain.

When Kamal nods, thats all he needs. He grabs Kamal and pulls him into a big hug, trying to hold back his sobs and failing. He wasn't so sure why exactly he was crying so hard. Talking about everything was draining, yes, but. It didnt make him cry. Maybe he was just... happy? Did people cry from happiness? He's not sure he ever has.

He's so used to crying when it feels like his heart is being torn apart. Right now, it feels more like... his heart is full to bursting, and it almost seems to make it worse? He doesnt know how to handle it, so he just.

Clings to Kamal, crying against him while the other rubs his back and pets his hair, faintly hearing him say that it was okay.

Things were okay.

----------

The rest of the day slowed to a crawl. The two of them left the office to Boris' room. No words were exchanged, they didnt need to be, right now. The two of them.. simply existed with each other, in quiet content, until the day grew long and sleep took in the both of them.

Morning was no different than normal, except they woke with each other. They exchanged embarrassed, sleepy smiles, giggling like kids who just got away with something.

They separated to do their respective morning routines, reuniting in the elevator. They still said nothing to each other, but continued to exchange little smiles, only to giggle like they were playing some sort of game.

Things slowly returned to normal as they returned to work, but it was more... relaxed. Normally Habit was the touchy-feely one, but Kamal found himself playing with his boss' hair, leaning against him, touching his arm... occasionally their hands would touch, but. They'd start laughing, and never actually held hands.

Boris was sure he'd never felt this good in his whole life. He really was... happy, for once.

#the smiler (ooc)#smile for me #smile for me game #dr. habit #kamal bora #the smiler's stories (mun writing)#long post #(drabble done! mostly i think lol)#(i may come back and edit when i have... actual wifi)#(instead of my phone's hotspot)#(and a desk to work from)#(but!!!! but but but)#(IM... happy with this i think)#(i feel like my interpretation as to how the habitat was before flower kid came along is verryy different than what most peopel thing hsdfh)#(REGARDLESS)#(i hope some of y'all can enjoy the read u wu feel free to lmk what you think!!!)#(i worry about how i write Kamal sometimes so hdsfhf)#(also idk if i rly like the title but whatever)#(flaps my hands)

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selfcareparker · 4 years ago

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hi bae <3 reading that last ask i’m realizing i have no grammar? lmao

glad university is funnnn, when you said linguistics i was like 🤨 but then i googled it and it does sound interesting lmao

the too much free time part though... :( its like you expected to be thrown in and like WOO BUSY and WOO purpose (purpose may be going too far lol) but i totally get what you’re saying. ESPECIALLY when you expect to be busier and you’re not it’s like :/ ok. (& girlllll it’s fine to complain, it’s how ur feeling)

and bc of covid you have eVEN LESS STUFF TO DO, which sucks. the social part may help? even just a little bit, but maybe having some socialization.. it could be somewhat uplifting? idk gsjshsj

where i live the vaccine is for 16 and up right now but for the younger kids (12-15) it hasn’t been ✨FDA approved✨ yet so my brother is still waiting for his 🤠

okay really quick, how does drivers license work there? here you learn to drive at 16 and you can like actually drive (sometimes even alone in the car) by 17... (also burneks?)

YAYYYY GIRLLL i remember you telling me about how you haven’t seen your family in England in such a long time 🥺🥺🥺 i really hope you get to see them soon!!!! and that covid eases up so you can see them frequently again 🥺🥺🤍

i’m gonna tattoo that to my forehead “not being friends with your parents is unhealthy” EXACTLY!! the people saying that stuff are usually not close to their parents so 👀

i’ve been really busy (unfortunately imo lol) with my dance recital coming up and this singing group (which i don’t like at all) and my final tests bc of school i’m EEK but it’s a good eek i think? maybe? idk lolll, i can’t wait for everything to be over though so i can CHILL. after school however i have a missions trip in north carolina? don’t quote me on that, but yeah 🥰 i’m really excited about it bc i’ll be without my family (like on my own :)) and it’s this whole thing and i’ll get to know people and i’m gonna buy a new bathing suit that makes me look gooooood cuz i’m tryna cop a boyfriend while i’m there HAHAHAH but besides that... more acting and singing camps probably? most likely a summer job.. i don’t have any plans reallyyy set in stone but ya know (ACTUAL i do have a few things planned. but those are things i don’t want to do. so i will be ignoring them <3)

that was a long ass paragraph- but PLEASE UR RESPONSE WAS FINEEE & i love you 💓💓💖💞💘💓💞💕 literally watch me buy a ticket to germany rn

- lovely anon (or catherine? i feel that lovely anon is iconic now tho so. kinda like how i call you aria in my head not your real name lol ALSO I PROMISE IM GONNA RESPOND TO THAT REALLY SOON, it’s just really busy rn) <3

what’s wrong with tumblr i just saw this a minute ago 🥲🥲🥲🥲 they don’t want to see us together ✋🏼 but fuck them 💘

Whaksk wait wdym by you have no grammar? 😭😭hejsjs

Honestly I’m so surprised that I’m enjoying linguistics but i think since i speak english and german i’ve just always been interested in language and esp english since it’s just my second language so i was forced to learn more about the language than just words and grammar, because it’s such a big part of me and also i didn’t always have a british accent so i kind of had to... develop a british accent, and it was natural but also kind of wasn’t??? Anyway why was this one sentence like 17 lines i’m sorry

YES OMG EXACTLY and obviously i’m missing out on the whole uni experience i mean I’m introverted anyway but i don’t mind going to a party every now and then? but i haven’t talked to a single person from my uni (except in class when we had to analyse a poem or something— okay technically some of my friends go to the same uni as me but they’re all studying other stuff)

But yeah I’ll definitely try to meet my friends more often 🥺 but we all have really different schedules rn so it’s really hard to find days where we both/all are free and not too tired and yeahssjsksj but i mean.... i can pay 50% of your ticket to germany? and then we can hang out? 🥰

I think everyone over 18 can get their vaccine from Monday on so I’ll try to call (okay, my mum will call sisjsh) and see if i can get an appointment. but i think everything will be super full because previously only people over... 50?or 60? or people with like illnesses could get it and now everyone over 18 can get it??? Like that’s a lot of people who can suddenly get the vaccine sksjjs but at the same time they’re getting quicker with it (i think today over 1 million people got the vaccine???? Like i know the US probably gets wayyy more people done so idk if that sounds like nothing to you but obviously Germany is much smaller so to me that sounds like a lot???) and also one of my father’s friend’s wife (djdkdj) works at a hospital or something? And she said she’ll ask if I can get it done there so yeah 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼

Isksmsjjs it took me so long to figure out what burneks was, i googled it (very weird results?) and then i realised i made a typo.... yeah no idea what i was trying to say lol

So in Germany (as far as I’m aware) you can start at 17 and you can’t have your test before you’re 17 years and 6 months old (idk why) and then you’re not allowed to drive alone until you’re 18 and then you still have two years on probation(is that what it’s called?) and you’re not allowed to drink a single sip of alcohol before you’re 21 (and drive) (cause in germany you’re allowed to drink when you’re 14 (if your parents are with you and allow it), then when you’re 16 you can buy beer and wine, and when you’re 18 you can buy everything. But you’re not allowed to drink and drive (even if it’s just 0.01 promille) until you’re 21)

(Okay I just googled and I don’t think you say pro mille/per mille in english sksjsjs but like the percent (or something...) of alcohol you have in your blood (idk biology sorry) (not that you asked about drinking and driving anyway? 😭 but there you go lmaoo)

Also idk if that’s just a UK thing or you also have it in the US? But all of my relatives from England keep asking me how often I’m driving with my parents (for practice)... and in Germany that’s.... not allowed? Like in england you can get these L (Learner) plates that you can stick on the back of your car and then you can drive anytime with your parents, but in germany you can only drive with your driving instructor during a paid for and legally organised driving lesson so. Kksskaj

Yess, the good thing now is that i can go to england anytime? Because Uni is all online anyway so it’s not like i have to wait until the holidays to see my family, i really hope i’ll see them soon🥺 it was my nana’s bday today and my grandad’s a few weeks ago so i’m painting two pictures for them tomorrow and sending them as a (late) gift next week 😌 (i’ll do like an impressionist ✨field of flowers✨ (that sounds awful sksjsjsj for reference i’ll look something like this: (it’s not mine i just found it on the internet while i was looking for some inspiration

for my nana, and something with a waterfall for my grandad) (looking at it now i don’t even think that’s impressionism? Idfk i had art as my subject for my a levels (like one of my final exams) and i actually got an A 👀 but it was mainly architecture and i don’t even remember that so

Ahhh I hope it’s a good eek!! Sksjj hopefully you’ll be done with everything soon and i already know you’re gonna do really good in all of your tests😌 but still: good luck ❤️❤️❤️

Idk if it’s actually cool? But North Carolina sounds so cool to me (but honestly you could have said any state and i’d think it’s cool sksksskm) And girl I still think it’s so amazing that you just sing and dance and act and omg ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

(I’m imagining us in a montage (?) like they always have in films while we’re shopping to get you a hot bathing suit😌😌 and then they always come home with like 6 shopping bags in the movies—)

This is gonna sound so dumb because who tf wants to work? But I’ve always wanted a summer job 🥲 like nothing too exhausting obviously but i’ve never earned any money by myself? I haven’t had a single job in my life (not that I’m that old and like only one of my friends has worked in her life like we’re young sksjsj) and yeah i think it would be really cool to have a summer job and earn some money 😌 but during the summer holidays (they’re only 6 weeks in germany) we’d always go to england for at least two weeks and then we’d drive to bosnia to see my dad’s family for a few days and then to croatia and then to Bosnia again sksksksms so i never had time for a summer job (obviously i’m aware that it’s a fucking privilege that i’ve never had to work and that i get to go to multiple countries during the holidays but yeah)

WHY DO I TALK SO MUCH AUSSKKSSM

Like I said I’ll pay 50% of your ticket 😌 i’ll be here stuck at home anyway, just let me know when you’re coming so i can come pick you up😌 (this emoji djskksks— but i mean it fits so i’ll use it as often as i can 😌)

Lovely anon IS iconic 😌✨ but Catherine is more than okay too🥰 so just say whatever you prefer ❤️

(And omg you never have to apologise for responding to my long ass, full-of-mistakes responses late sksjs take your time (i mean i wouldn’t be mad if you just didn’t respond to some of them i talk too much anyway <3333)

#lovely anon #<3

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ariyadaivaris · 4 years ago

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im giving this very minimal editing. this is a very long post because i thought about gold standard last night and had an out of body experience. it is not very good because i wrote it and also it was like 4 in the morning and i was unwell. i don’t know why its worded the way it is it sounds like i was trying to sound professional and thoughtful or something and i dont know why the fuck i tried that how embarrassing cringe and fail blogger. i am posting it anyway because this is what i do is embarrass myself online. thank you <3

Tony after being betrayed said he was hurt, but he knew what teaming with That Guy offered, what the benefits were, and why someone would do it. This is the thing: WHY did the betrayal happen? It happened because Tony stood up to That One. Tony stood up to Enzo specifically because Ariya failed, and when Enzo chewed him out for it Tony stepped in. This was both righteous and kind, and it made everything harder.

Ariya participated in the betrayal because of this. BECAUSE Tony was kind to him! Because Tony saying the way Ariya was being treated was wrong, and if Ariya believes that, then he is suddenly in a LOT of danger at the champion's hands. Ariya has feuded with a few people already. He has been humiliated for no reason. He has been beaten down by someone who wanted it more. Ariya isn't in a great place to think he can leave and make it. Ariya made a deal with the devil, he's safe as a goon, he cannot fight what happens to him now. Tony and Drew have each other, if it breaks bad, and they're both friends with Ariya he guesses, but not in the same way. He has nowhere to go and no way to fight.

Tony, however, DOES fight. Tony challenges Ariya's idea that he has to suck it up and deal with it. If it's all three of them against him, then maybe they could get out. Ariya gets his idea about the shape of the world, the place everyone has in it, challenged. And he rejects it! He can't accept it! Tony is fighting to protect HIM! And he denies it!

And the thing is, this is something Tony understands. Tony confronts Drew instead of Ariya, because--well because dubya weighs their importance differently because of the racism but because Drew hasn't bought in the way Ariya has. If anyone is OVER enough to challenge Enzo at this time? It is Mister FUCKING PowerPoint babey!!!!!!!! Drew gets onboarded and accepts because it might make him more popular, more able to gain traction for his bullshit no fun allowed ideas! Ariya is backed into a corner of his own design, and its not good and it doesn't make him betraying Tony FINE, but Tony understands what happened. Why Ariya did that. In a way, he understands Drew, too, of course. The influence is too appealing, he knows that. But Drew /chose/ to join in when he was given a chance to help Tony.

Maybe Drew needed to regain confidence too, maybe he needed to get back on his stupid little feet, it's been awhile since I've seen that storyline play out and I dont remember all the details. But I think the other thing is...Tony and Drew were literally closer at the time. Ariya was still their friend, OBVIOUSLY, even if the canon was noncommittal about saying it, but Tony and Drew were like. I mean. YOU know. You were there. Drew turning on Tony, after all that they'd done together, held so much weight behind it. Tony doesn't demand an explanation from Ariya. But he NEEDS to know Drew is sorry. He needs things to be okay between them. But they're not, and they never are again.

This is...another thing. Drew doubles down on this to the point it turns him into something else entirely. Tony demands an apology from him, and he /refuses/. He offers some small, pathetic I'm Sorrys during the match, as long as he's getting hurt, as long as Tony has the upper hand, but when push comes to shove, he breaks in the other direction. He's not sorry. He didn't do anything wrong. Tony held him back, if you really think about it actually, because why would Drew have ever done anything wrong? Really, this is Tony's fault if you think about it (it was not Tony's fault)

Ariya isn't given a chance to apologize in the same way. Tony and Drew clash during the tournament. Ariya gets knocked out in round one, gets injured soon after (which breaks up a potential feud with Mustafa as well and every fucking day it makes me want to scream, I would do anything on this earth for them to feud, please God take me back) and spends most of 2018 out of action. There's just no time, and even if there was, its questionable if dubya would even care about the opportunity. The next time they meet, it's when Tony's the champion and Ariya has finally decided hes better off alone anyway.

Tony is different. He's the champion, and he's a face, at that. He's earned the title by seeking vengeance against someone who wronged him, and he found it. He's lost in a lot of ways, but he's trying to be confident, and he is trying to become the kind of person who can represent the championship. Not just as someone who got it on the way to a kind of small interpersonal victory, but as a Real Champion. The kind 205 (usually) fosters. The kind that didnt ruin his life.

Tony is also the same. He's Ariya's friend. In the middle of a sea of changes, Ariya is familiar. They can pick up where they left off, if Ariya wants. If Ariya just...if he just changes alignments for Tony. If he accepts that Tony wants him.

Ariya is different. Alone after abandoning Kenta during a failed attempt at vengeance against a mutual enemy. Akira, who Kenta discarded after a few too many losses. Akira, who beat Ariya in pursuit of the title, a loss that Ariya never really came back from. Ariya loses to Akira again, even playing support for someone else. And he lashes out. And he works on his own, because he doesn't trust anyone to help him.

Ariya's also the same. He lashes out, and he doesn't trust anyone to help him. Ariya carries his career around on his back. He carries, in reflection of someone else's experience, a chip on his shoulder. It weighs him down. When Tony offers him understanding, he does what he has always done, and he rejects it. Tony faces Drew, the ghost of their shared past, and Ariya is there to remind him exactly why he exists as he does now. "I didn't hurt you, but I could have. I just wanted you to know." Tony cannot trust Drew anymore. He shouldn't trust Ariya, Ariya warns him.

Ariya doesn't say sorry, because he can't, because he's too busy sabotaging his last remaining friendship for Tony's own good, for his own good, for him to convince himself he never cared in the first place, but he regrets it. He cuts Tony off because it's easier than apologizing because this motherfucker will NEVER admit to having problems, he will drink water with a lemon slice and that will fix everything, thank you, but he does this to warn Tony off before Ariya can hurt him again. Ariya lashes out. It's what he does. Its better this way, where Tony can't get hurt.

(Ariya, who doesn't put himself in harm's way for anyone, who has Evasion as his middle name, who sneaks around conflicts every chance he gets, flattering and tricking and taking opportunities because he doesn't trust his own skills to get him wins, Ariya thinks he's protecting Tony. But maybe he's still protecting himself. Ariya saw Tony and Drew, saw them again, saw how they have something that he doesn't. Ariya can't trust anyone the way they trusted each other. Ariya will never, ever be to Tony what Drew was. The sooner Ariya prevents even the chance for that comparison to exist, the sooner they can forget it ever happened, the sooner he can stop thinking about it like Tony could want to be his friend all the same. Like Tony could be thinking he's just not a threat the way Drew is. Like Tony could know everything about Ariya and forgive him anyway, like Ariya could ever do right by that forgiveness. Like Ariya could /ever/ earn anything.)

It took a long time for them to get where they are even now! Tony and Ariya danced around the idea of teaming with each other for a long time, talking around it and avoiding each other and not thinking about it. Now that they are, we can actually see HOW their relationship has evolved since then. Ariya and Tony have remained a team, and Ariya has begun to risk things for people. He was doing it a bit before, with someone who definitely didn't deserve it, but Ariya is now trying to actively protect Tony in matches, after matches, when he's hurt. Ariya hasn't asked for Tony's help or really accepted it on a level deeper than Win Match yet (and honestly Ariya probably realistically needs more help than anyone can give him, help that has to come from himself), but he's offering his own. And when Ariya realizes he's not winning on his own, when he had his little Moment at the beginning of the year where he got ready to sabotage and run because he can't start depending on people and especially not on Tony, the LAST person who needs to be looking after Ariya again, when that happened, Tony took a step back and let Ariya work on his own. When Ariya does what he needs to to feel In Control, which is usually a little murder but I like him so it's okay, Tony leaves him to do it on his own or plays support for him instead.

Its like... there is a healing in the rift between them in the specific way it needed to heal, y'know? It's not perfect and there's always a chance the writers get bored again and do some bullshit, but like...tony and Ariya specifically have like. One of the most interesting relationships in wrestling right now. It's like. God. I could just die thinking about it. I care them

#long post -#meta tag #the gold standard #im not rereading all this sorry 5 in the morning buzz #ive probably written this about a million times but i will keep doing it because literally thinking about how this played out makes me sick #like physically makes me have to lie in bed and go to sleep. why did they do all of this

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kweebtrash · 4 years ago

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Hey, not necessarily a sex question. But as someone who loves reading fanfic and appreciates fanfic writers, I still can't bring myself to write it. How did you get into writing fanfic, and was it ever weird for you? Do you have any advice on how to feel less weird about it? Especially smut about real people? (To be fair I can't bring myself to write smut in general idk why)

I started writing naruto and yu yu hakusho fanfiction when i was ten and it was just a regular oc and the character i liked. It wasnt good at all but i thought it was the greatest. When i met my sister (non biological) in middle school we decided to come up with our own "anime story". We would write it in notebooks and pass it to each other during class and get in trouble for it. So i guess that was the first time ive written an "original" story. By the time i was 12 i knew what sex was (mostly) and i knew teenagers did it (my characters were teenagers) so i was like oh if they like each other then they should do it. But because i was 12 i was like THATS ICKY TO WRITE ABOUT (in detail) so i made them get in bed and then skipped ahead and wrote THE NEXT DAY 😂😂😂

Then when i got access to a laptop and internet thats when i round "real" fanfiction online and smut back when it was called "lemon/lime/citrus" whatever the fuck that means. I still remember my first one was about neji hyuga LMAO.

I started reading more fanfiction throughout my teenager years and kept writing for anime, wrote bandfiction, created a bunch of OCs to rp with my partner at the time and i think by the time i actually started having sex that i was like ok this isnt so weird to write about anymore. So when we would rp we would just text each other sex scenes and i guess it became normalized because we were doing it irl so writing about it was just like hey! We sorta know what were doing! Oh i also used to watch a lot of porn as a teen? Idk why. That stopped after like a year or so but i found out shit through that, like bdsm, squirting, how utterly gross blowjobs are, what a hitachi wand was, how much i hate spit, etc. So that actually helped me discover like my beginning kinks. Porn is still terrible tho.

I think the first time i wrote smut was with a wrestling fanfic? And i had been reading a bunch of fics that had smut and with my basic knowledge and slowly finding out what phrases i liked in order to describe things it flowed a little more naturally but it was still hard.

Then i think i didnt really write much until i wrote my pentagon story which i think is terrible but other people like it. I guess with my practicing, experience, and sex education it started becoming easier? You can tell in my pentagon story that i was still getting back into the swing of things bc my sex scenes are atrocious and ridiculous 😅

I never really liked reading series myself bc i didnt want just prose and build up. I wanted smut. I was like THATS WHAT I CAME HERE FOR. So i made it a point to write smut in every single chapter so that way people stayed interested. In doing so it also helped me practice and get better. Then i read A LOT of bad kpop fics and was like....why dont these people know that sex isnt like porn??

There is a lot of copying in kpop fics in the sense that a lot of them are written the same way and we get the usual; some u realistic giant dick, "ministrations, pussy, cunt", kitten every other word, thigh riding, everyone confusing abuse with bdsm, "daddy" popping up left and right without going in depth to what meaning that holds, random weird shit. And i realized WOW I REALLY HATE KPOP FANFICS lol. So when i started writing messy i was like OK FUCK THIS IM GONNA WRITE SEX LIKE HOW ITS SUPPOSED TO GO. Then i starting writing smut where the condom broke, they talked about birth control, having a mental breakdown during sex, sexual assault, accidentally wacking each other while moving around, giggling, talking, explaining what you want. This i think helped me a lot, especially with my mental trauma that was associated with sex. I wanted to make it fun and real while also possibly teaching my readers about sex and maybe influencing other fic writers to not just regurgitate what they read.

As far as advice, im not quite sure if i have any?? Maybe i do lol. Take it with a grain of salt maybe?

With writing i would suggest

Read fics you like and highlight key phrases or actions you think are sexually appealing

Practice writing shorter scenes, you can even do time stamps or drabbles, things like that-people love those on here

Look into things. Honestly i knew what a cock ring was but someone requested i USE it in a fic and i was like shit guess i gotta google how to use a cock ring and while awkwardly watching videos of guys putting these things on i learned about metal ones, cages, silicone, rubber, rings, how long you should keep it on for, etc. So RESEARCH! is key too

If youve never had sex before that also helps if you research. Porn can give you a little bit of knowledge in generic motions or toys to use but by no means is it great as far as realism and sometimes its just plain icky.

So porn can be a basis, research can be a middle layer, reading other fics and seeing what you like and dont like is on top, and writing ur own is like...idk frosting lol.

As far as being weird with real people; since i wrote bandfiction and wrestling fics i was used to writing about real people for a little under ten years or so. Also i have a really active mind at night and i have tons of sex dreams that fit into like a story based setting. Thats where all my ideas for prose, dialogue and smut come from. Not everyone ofc has a brain like that but writing down things here and there might work. Lets say you have a favorite idol moment-like some really slutty dance move during a performance, you could time stamp that for inspiration. Save a lot of gifs and pics of them looking *chefs kiss*, listen to some music (i like alina baraz, sabrina claudio, galant, alex tbh, and jooyong for softer, gentler scenes or if you wanna get freak nastie listen to some dumbass jae park, or pretty ricky, or any sex related song thats not pretty lmao. Like rude boy by rihanna or something with a hard beat).

I think its also good to try and picture yourself in a sexual situation. You dont have to look like you, you could make up however you want to look in the scenario, its fantasy after all. Also think "would i like this?" Like i wont write about some idol spitting in my mouth or slapping me or peeing on me or something because thats not stuff that im into and i would be forcing myself to appease someone else and the writing woukd end up sucking big time. This also doesnt help the lack of good fics bc people are just following the requests they get even if they dont like it. I would write about what i think id feel in the moment. Id probably be nervous or if im pretending i could be a cool badass, i would think about things that i find attractive like his (imma use his bc i do write mostly about boy idols) face in the shadows of the light, how nice or soft his lips look, they way hes conveying emotions and looking at me if we were in love or if we were angry, the hold he has on me, why would it be going slow? Is it sad makeup sex? Is it a first time together? Is it just comforting after a bad day? Why would they be rough? Are they angry? Had a fight? Had a slow burn relationship and its culminated into a big explosion? Did they hate each other but hide their true feelings?

So i would suggest not just thinking about sex but thinking about the moment and all the things that lead up to, happen during, and the aftermath of it.

And of course if you don't understand anything or need more info about sex you can always ask me!

I hope this help and sorry its long😅😅😅😅

#i love my readers!

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ixiablogs · 5 years ago

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A special night (f2f)

Ixia arrives in a space on the surface, looking around with a smile. He was here with Spade and Brio some time ago... its still pretty as ever.

- Speaking of Spade, the sometimes a skeleton, most of the time a cat monster rears his fluffy face when he sees Ixia. He gives him a grin.

"hey, bout time you showed up!"

- Ixia smiled sheepishly, putting away the device that let him come here to begin with.

"oh, leave me alone im still getting used to working this thing... so, uh, where'd you wanna go again?"

- Spade grins and gestures for Ixia to follow him as he turns and starts walking through this quaint, almost fantasy style town. He leads them to a bar, a little bit busy at this time of night, but not too crowded.

"i came back to this line when we hung out and found this place and man, their drinks are super good. they also got food if you dont wanna get trashed."

- Ixia blinks in surprise, humming for a bit as he thinks it over. Last time he got drunk with someone... oh but, no, he has a way to get home and a place thats safe to get back to. It'll be fine.

"i! think i could use a few drinks, honestly, neheh..."

- Spade's expressions softens a little bit and he nods.

"yeah, i totally get that. c'mon."

He leads them inside and takes a look around before heading to one of the booths closer to the bar, taking a seat on one end and watching Ixia sit opposite of him. There's two little drink menus on the table they can look through at their leisure.

"so... how you been doin? im sorry i kinda.. suck at talkin to ya.”

- "oh, no its okay. im not much better either, hehh...."

He picks up one of the menus, flipping through it.

"uhm, well... i've been doing okay! i think.. i think ever since i left my home, i've been doing better. it is... weird adjusting though, eheh. the longer im away from home, the more i realize that.... i forgot how to be a person. i forgot how to talk to people.... after all, when you re-live the same week or so over and over and over it... it messes up your head...."

Wow, he hasnt even had any drinks yet. Feeling extra vulnerable today he guesses...

- Blink blink. Yeah that! Kinda came outta left field, but Spade's not gonna judge. He just listens and nods along, letting out a little sigh.

"i know it aint so easy but you really should just loosen up... i mean, aint no one gonna bite you if you just. talk to them, or just talk online and see who might wanna talk back. you'll be okay though yeah? i think you'll be okay."

-- Ixia blinks at the other, giving him a sheepish grin.

"eheh, yeah, i guess you're right...."

-- They exchange meaningless small talk for the next.. however long. They browse and order drinks, Spade talking about which are his favorite, Ixia admiring all the different colors and there were some that glowed?? Wowie.

-- "you knowwwww..."

Ixia's speech is finally starting to loosen as he finishes his current drink, twirling the glass around. "i rreally like this place.... and not like, just the bar! nyeheh.... this like, town, its so... cute an pretty an nice.... wasp showed me one line, an... an sure it was nice but... mmn.. i might ask pippap about building me a house here...."

-- Spade's ears twitch up curiously.

"ooh yeah? sounds pretty nice t'me, and hey, you do whatever's gonna make ya happiest right?" He smiles, warm and friendly.

-- Oh,, he doesnt know why, but It feels like his soul's fluttering a little.

"mmneheh, yeah! yeah i guess thats true.... i'll hafta do some looking around myself though, i havent seen much of this place actually, an i think it'd be nice..."

-- He chuckles a little, tail idly swishing about.

"well hey, maybe sometime when we aint so sloshed, we can go 'splorin round the place. scope out somewhere you might want a house... what kinda house you thinkin of anyhow?"

-- "what, kind? uh... ohh, i guess i havent thought of it much... some kinda, big spacious... cute... oh! oh i'd love to have a nice garden all around... mmm... a big living room, with a fire place.... and a nice kitchen so i can try making my own meals, neheh...."

He gets this whistful look on his face as he thinks more about it, losing himself in his thoughts.

-- Spade idly sips at his drink as he watches and listens, a warm feeling in his chest, along with a pained one.

"...god, i forgot how cute you could be...."

A beat, then a blink. His face flushes red. Shit shit he didnt meant to...

-- Ixia pauses for a second too before giggling, covering his face with one of his hands.

"pffnyehheh heh... oh, stop it...."

-- Oh, it was. Well received? His face relaxes, and he goes back to smiling loosely.

"hehh, what? its true.... you've always had such a cute face, such a cute laugh...."

He idly slides a hand across the table, facing upwards as if to ask for a hand in return.

"those are some of the things i really like about you...."

-- Ixia's face flushes more, and his soul flutters harder. Seeing the hand offered to him, he.. hesitates for a moment before placing his own hand on top, both moving in almost sync so their fingers can lace together. He casts his gaze downwards, his expression dropping a little.

"..dont you mean 'liked'....?"

-- Spade looks Ixia in the eyes, his expression relaxed, but also.. serious.

"no," He squeezes Ixia's bony hand. "i mean what i said."

-- His chest tightens and he squeezes Spade's hand back in turn.

"but i... im not the same person to you, right?... not anymore...."

-- Spade shrugs a little bit.

"i mean, sure, if you wanna get all technical. you're younger, went through less shit, and you even look a little different, but...."

He tries to think for a moment, looking at Ixia through half focused eyes, pupils razor thin almost.

"that dont mean nothin to me... if you wanna change yer name, change yer whole life, i'd fall for ya again and again, regardless."

-- That look itself is enough to send shivers up his spine, and the words... almost enough to tear his soul apart. Especially when he thinks back to everything Wasp's told him in regard to... to his situation. But those last words... its like Spade kicked open the flood gates, cause he cant hold back his tears.

-- Spade releases Ixia's hand only to come around to his booth and sit next to him, embracing him and holding him tight.

"its okay.... just let it all out."

-- Ixia hiccups as he tries to hold back his sobs but when Spade sits next to him and wraps those arms around him he just cant help but bury his face against his chest and just cry. So much pent up emotion finally gets to be released... all his confusion, all his pain, all his doubts. After a few minutes of this, Ixia finds himself feeling a little lighter than when they came in. He sniffles, still as close to Spade as he can possibly be, his head tucked against his chest.

"w.. will.. will y-you st.. stay with me?...."

-- Spade nuzzles the top of that skull, a low purr rumbling in his chest and throat.

"if you want me to, then yea. i will."

-- Ixia sniffles and nods a little, nuzzling against Spade's chest (and also wiping some of those tears away in the process). When he feels relaxed enough to pull away he lets out a shaky sigh, rubbing at his face.

"i... i really am sorry it.. its just been so hard and you, you just... treat me like, well, me an thats... thats all i wanted.... thats all i want...."

-- Spade watches him intently, his tail lightly thumping against the booth. When Ixia finishes talking he reaches out and holds one of his hands again, lacing their fingers together, rubbing his thumb idly against the other’s hand.

"its okay... you're okay." He offers him a little smile. "whatsay we get a few more rounds in before we head out. you look like you need em."

-- Ixia sniffles and blushes as Spade laces their fingers together again, managing a little smile in return.

"y.. yeah, okay... sounds good to me...."

And they do just that, Spade staying next to Ixia all the while as they go through more drinks and even more small talk, but this time... this time, the closeness makes it all the more special. Thats what Ixia thinks at least.

They spend hours together before finally they part ways, both of them knowing their goodbyes wont last for very long. Not now, not after that night.

#;ooc #;threads of time (drabbles)#(its structured as an Rp so like... sorry if its weird to read khjdshkjfds)#(Ixia's finally getting out there a little bit n wn )

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