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discoveringsandra · 3 years ago

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Characters I project my transness on: Shrek's Fiona

GENERAL SPOILER ALERT FOR THE SHREK MOVIE FRANCHISE

A subversion af the damsel in distress trope, Fiona isn't an ordinary princess. She burps, kicks ass and is generally disappointed by actual princes.

In the first movie, she transformed into an ogre by night. She saw this as a curse until she learned to love both another ogre and this side of herself. Even if she hasn't always looked like an ogre, she ends up renouncing to normative beauty and living as one.

Then, she spends the second film trying to convince her parents to love both her husband and her identity, while his father tries to get her to fit into the fairy tale princess role she was meant to have. It turns out her father was just preventing her from risking his own position as human-looking king, since marrying her with a prince was part of the deal he made with a fairy when he was a toad (I can't blame him for wanting to make Julie Andrews his queen, though).

This film has many queer experience parallels, with both Fiona's parents and Far Far Away's elitist society being outraged by her life choices, as well as the father projecting his own anxieties about fitting in this society on to his daughter. I would say that there are a couple of kind of queerphobic jokes, one about the Big Bad Wolf being gender-confused (which is more or less okay since it comes from the main villain) and a really weird one on pinocchio wearing women's underwear (which is not okay since he is a child and they are mockingly confronting him on this to use his elongated nose).

Going back to our favourite ogre princess, the plot of the third movie has her staying back home while Shrek goes to find a heir for the kingdom's throne and overcome his parenthood anxiety. However, the Charming Prince she was supposed to marry on the second movie comes back and takes the kingdom during her baby shower. We get to see her starting a princesses' escape and fight evil goons while being pregnant, but I think se was kind of separated from the main plot so Shrek could come to her rescue again at the end, which is why this is the least interesting movie in the franchise.

The fourth movie does the "Its a Wonderful Life" thing where an unsatisfied Shrek goes to an alternate reality in which he has never been born. The version of Fiona we see there is a warrior, the leader of the ogre resistance to Rumpelstilskin tyrannical rule. She rescued herself from the tower she was locked in in the first film and it's implied she still becomes human by day and does some reconnaisance, but she is fully accepted among the ogres. Although she's got her own revolution going on, her whole arc is learning to trust Shrek so he can learn to not give her for granted once he comes back to his reality, which kind of undermines the whole revolutionary leader thing.

Still, drawing my own transgender parallel, the difference between this two realities in how ogres are treated can be seen as the difference in how real world countries treat the LGBTQ+ community. Main timeline Shrek and Fiona are more or less respected because they had a chance to fight for their rights as well as the privilege given to Fiona for being a princess. Resistance leader Fiona never had a chance to convince her powerful parents to respect her identity as an ogre because they lost their kingdom to Rumpelstilskin, who then started hunting down ogres, forcing them into hiding away from the rest of society. That's the present many queer people around the world have to live, the past those who live free can't forget and the possible future we'll never stop fearing.

This took a pretty dark turn so let's ask ourselves "what if Fiona was actually trans?" Well, if Fiona was a transgender male ogre, the plot would be essentially the same except the pregnancy in the third movie would be replaced by an adoption waiting list and the transformation in the second movie would be a metaphor for detransitioning out of family pressure. Also, male ogre Fiona (Finn?) would wear lumberjack shirts and his alternate reality version would cosplay Braveheart.

If Fiona was a transgender female ogre, though, the plot would be radically different. I think she would still dress as a princess when she was in human male form and there would be jokes similars to those on the Ugly Stepsister (oh, I forgot about her and her deep voice, she's "ugly" because she's got masculine traits, so funny 😒) but with some sort of catharsis once she becomes permanently an ogress. I guess Farquad would be extra rude to her but she would still think she had to marry him to break the curse, then Shrek confesses her love, enter the dragon and I'm a believer. I guess Prince Charming would still try to marry a remasculinized Fiona in the second film (come on, he's a queer coded villain) and, for sure, the king would still try to fool her to do it. The third and fourth movie wouldn't change much, as Fiona's past human form is irrelevant in the third and she never appears in human form in the fourth. Maybe her daylight human male form would be a more obvious parallel of how trans women have to go on boymode to survive.

To finish this already too long tirade, I just want to add that the idea of Fiona's true form seems to be fluid. Had the hero of the story been a human peasant, she would probably still stay a pretty normative princess, even if he accepted her as an ogre, like a gender reversed Beauty and the Beast. I love that they didn't go for that ending.

#characters i project my transness on #princess fiona #shrek #transgender #trans #queer #I didn't even mention donkey #lord farquaad #far far away #rumplestiltskin #prince charming #fairy godmother #big bad wolf #Pinocchio #Ugly Stepsister #Shrek as a coming out movie #I think I spent too much time on this one

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sapropel · 10 months ago

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I saw a separate post on my dash just now that makes me think you are referring to the lea-ts callout from a few years ago. For this comment, let's just assume that you are referring to that one. If I remember correctly, she was called out for posting her rape and incest fantasies on a sideblog that she intended to only be viewed invite-only.

I absolutely did reblog that callout post (though I don't see it in my tags anymore so I may have deleted it since then). I don't remember if that callout used her nudes to "prove" that blog was hers; if it did, you're correct, that's a really inappropriate thing to be spreading and I shouldn't have done so. And if what you are saying about people confronting me about reblogging that callout is true, they were also correct. I don't think that kind of post is worth it to spread and I don't think it's helpful. If I could take it back, I would. If I could go back, I never would have reblogged it. I also wouldn't have reblogged the post following that callout (that I mentioned to you in a previous answer of your anon messages) that compiled a list of people defending her.

In the past, I've reblogged callout posts about things I feel complicated about (for example, a kink post with elements of abusive power dynamics or whatever, but without real-life intent to abuse someone) with the intention to "let my followers come to their own conclusions about it." I've come to realize I don't agree with that approach anymore, even in the case of well-documented, well-supported callouts. I think it gives too much power to underlying racist and transmisogynistic prejudices that people have. All I do is add my voice to the mob of people targeting someone who may or may not even deserve that.

I have very mixed feelings on publically posting about or defending your rape and incest roleplay fetishes. To be clear, I don't mean lea-ts here, who had posts she didn't mean to breach containment, though I believe she did defend her posts afterwards. I haven't decided yet how I feel about it--that callout situation is actually what made me reconsider if it's even worth it to call people out for that in the first place, especially with how TME people like me have used it to target trans women unfairly. I've been mulling that over the past few years since then and truly hope that I've taken that time to ease off on my vitriol for it.

I do remember from that situation more clearly (and cared about more then, as I do now), that other people, while they were defending lea-ts, were defending their raceplay and pedophilia kinks (which they used by name as those things. I'm not extrapolating. In addition, I'm not talking about roleplay. I'm talking about actual raceplay and actual pedophilia). My opinion on publically posting about and defending your raceplay and pedophilia kinks has not changed--I don't think that's defensible. To be clear, lea-ts mentioned nothing about raceplay or pedophilia. This is about some of the discourse that spawned from that callout.

While I don't think raceplay or pedophilia kinks are defensible, I don't know the best way to handle it. I used to think it was best to inform everyone so they could "stay safe" but honestly, I haven't really see that work. I do think it's important to warn people of color of racism perpetrated by white people, including raceplay, and I think white people who engage in raceplay really need to be cognizant of how that can negatively impact the people of color they interact with. I still don't know if a callout is the correct approach to that. I haven't made up my mind on that yet, and as a white person, it isn't my wellbeing that's important in that situation, and it isn't my theorizing that's important.

Trans women are more likely to be accused of pedophilia than other people, and even in the cases of a tumblr user admitting to being an actual, real pedophile, like toonimal or the rare callout post I've reblogged, I truly don't know how much good that has done.

Some posts that are circulating on tumblr, as well as me revisiting my callout tag, and receiving these anon messages from you have made me reconsider how valuable a callout post actually is for making this website safer. It is too easy to unfairly target a trans woman, and it seems like it's more common for a harmless trans woman to be harassed than for an actual pedophile to be kept away from minors because of a callout post. It's something I'll have to keep thinking about. Even if I am calling out someone I am 100% certain is a pedophile (e.g. due to their own admission), if the cost of that callout is a perpetuation of the transmisogynistic surveillance culture that alienates and isolates trans women, is it worth it? I don't know. Maybe not. I don't know who is an exception to the rule or what's worth it or anything like that.

While I disagree with how you presented your anon messages to me (specifically that you didn't tell me what callout you were talking about), I want to thank you for sending these messages anyway. Your messages are part of some posts currently making me re-think how I may perpetuate more transmisogyny than I previously thought. It's too late for me to undo what I've done to women like lea-ts who didn't deserve to be run off this site because of how trans women are subjected to unfair scrutiny and held to higher standards of purity with respect to their sex lives. I should never have reblogged her callout post, especially if it really did have her nudes in it, and especially if I was given the opportunity multiple times NOT to double down. I hope that these messages can serve as a stark reminder to me to be very cognizant of how I interact with trans women on here and to devote extra time to thinking about how I can unlearn the transmisogyny I have perpetuated.

you don’t even remember it, lol. how fucking shameful. you know how terrifying that experience is, having secret pictures of yourself get weaponized and publicized to call you out harder? do you know how mortifying, disgusting and invasive it feels having nudes attached for “evidence” to link blogs together, out of your hands and on the open web now? the person im talking about wasn’t guilty of anything more than calling their partner a title in bed that could be bad-faith-read into supporting incest, (of course, she didn’t support or excuse real abuse, not that it mattered to the calloutmonger who painted every other sexual post of hers with malice and predation) and you went right along and nodded your head at it like a good little duck following in a row. i remember you doubling down again and again, that this wasn’t okay and you were blocking people who tried to say that the mob spreading of her nudes couldn’t be justified. no one deserved to be cyberstalked through personal tiny blogs and made into a bloody spectacle, but for some reason this is always allowed to happen to trans women.

do you have any fucking idea how it feels? can you even imagine it? seeing people you thought were your friends, your friends friends, acquaintances, strangers; all of them hear the call that this one is one of the bad ones, and drop you like a stone without even a chance to speak out? you know what that does to trans women, who get constantly excluded and alienated out of irl lgbt shit and wind up online? you know how that feels? getting immediately thrown away and made into ammo for a dumbfuck culture war by people you thought gave even a tiny shit about you, who now call you an incestous danger to minors just like the alt right fucks do? and now, now you have the gall to turn around and try to act like you’re in any way above this when just a couple years ago you were baying for blood like the rest of them? you don’t have a single leg to stand on because you’re too afraid of looking bad to even consider you might’ve done wrong, to even extend the smallest piece of understanding towards women YOU helped get sexually harassed off the site. of course. everyone has bias but you, right? everyone has things to work on except when they’re big mistakes that would require actually doing some work challenging yourself. i dont want shit from you. i just want you to know that there are trans women who see right fucking through you. we can’t forget how we’ve been hurt, even if you get that privilege.

I've been giving you the benefit of the doubt so far but I hope you can see that it's absurd to accuse me of spreading revenge porn and get mad at me when I "don't even remember" but you won't give me any specifics about this situation you're talking about. If what you're accusing me of is true, how am I supposed to be held accountable and actually change myself for the better if you won't even tell me who or what you're talking about?

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janiedean · 4 years ago

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I have a feminist friend who hates radfems, but thinks they are a necessary evil to allow feminism to become the predominant in society. Like they are of the idea that sometimes you need violence and generalization (i.e. all men are rapists do not mean that all men are, but that it's predominant in a society that barely punishes rape, etc...) to push an idea forward. He compared this to Malcolm X in the fight for african-american rights in the US (We're european). What do you think?

with the premise that I slept very little and very badly tonight: I think he’s full of shit.

there is no such thing as necessary evil when it comes to social justice stuff within the same movement and honestly I’mma skip on the concept that malcolm x was a necessary evil because honestly that opinion is shit on a whole lot of levels I can’t go into and I don’t exactly feel comfortable to as a white person but I can say that there’s no fucking way that was a necessary evil. wtf.

other than that: violence and generalization is fucking stupid. if not all men are rapists then the goddamned point is that you have to go after the rapists and the fact that society barely punishes rape is another thing that honestly is arguable, the problem is how the laws are applied and the fact that ppl still think that you went looking for it if you were drunk at a party and that depending on who accuses/is accused things change (I mean did we all read to kill a mockingbird or what). not all men are rapists, not all men are violent, saying that 50% of the world is that makes no fucking sense and the ‘necessary evil’ radfems would bring is also a whole fucking shitload of ideas/’’ideologies’’ that are within themselves misogynistic as fuck and transphobic as fuck and honestly only work if you’re a ciswoman that has money and looks right because exfuckingscuse me but this entire men demonization thing basically boils down to ‘if you have a dick you’re bad™’ because you know that according to them being a man = biologically having a dick and I don’t think I have to go into how fucking wrong we are on that account and = being the cause of all evil in society, and if we add the whole ridiculous idea that straight women are brainwashed by the patriarchy, that motherhood is vital to a woman’s existence rhetoric that they have when it comes to y’know surrogate pregnancy and the likes, the whole what you like in bed is what the patriarchy wants you to like bc *spins the wheel* being a submissive woman is obviously not something you could possibly want means that:

they demonize transwomen and don’t recognize that they’re women

ignore that transmen exist

on that ^^ push a rhetoric that’s as a whole harmful to anyone who’s not cis and if they actually get listened to that can be fucking hurtful bc it’s misinformation and oh we’re in europe I’d like trans ppl to be covered by free healthcare which they sure af don’t want nevermind spounting anti-scientific bullshit with the BIOLOGY!! excuse

which also means that notciswomen are totally fucked if they need help or resources or whatever

ignore that sterile women exist or that you know some women don’t want children but while using that argument to shut down surrogacy they sound like your regular victorian dude who thought that women were walking wombs and excuse me if my fucking womanhood isn’t tied to whether my womb ever produces children or not

also that’s attached to that dumb myth of motherhood being sanctity that oh wait ignores that shit mothers exist

by being antikink and OH MEN ARE BAD YOU SHOULDN’T LIKE THEM BLAHBLAHBLAH and SUBMISSIVE WOMEN ARE BRAINWASHED BLAH BLAH they basically are the same exact type of person that wants to control women’s sexualities and sorry but after centuries of women’s sexuality having been controlled and repressed and whatever by society idt it’s very feminist that other women think they have a say in it dot

let’s also while we say this completely ignore the fact that y’know women who abuse other people (both men and women) and rape other people (both men and women) and are generally more of a patriarchy fan than you’d think because it’s convenient for them or because they have internalized misogyny exist but hey let’s not even touch that topic shall we that would be too much

do we wanna discuss political lesbians and the rampant biphobia in that circle and the rampant straightup misogyny of presuming to tell straight women the patriarchy brainwashed them into wanting to bang men

do we wanna discuss that it’s basically a fucking cult that just spews misogynistic rhetoric dressed as feminism? because that’s what it is

and sorry but where I come from activism doesn’t work when you give space and voice to extremists and cultists and taking them seriously and giving them a platform means that people listen to them and absorb that bullshit and then you end up like in the UK where if you’re trans and need the first psych evaluation the waiting list is five years like fuck’s sake I’m tired of people giving radfems space and they might call me an authoritarian for that but honestly I’d ban them for hatespeech and that’s all I have to say on the topic. also, if feminism is about women having equal rights, that is not the idea that radfems push. and I don’t want shit to do with a supposed feminism that excludes trans people, is only convenient for a small fraction of people and says exactly the same misogynistic bullshit feminists fought against since feminism existed as a concept.

they’re not a necessary evil they’re straight up evil and they need to not be listened to. the end.

#1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #radfems for ts #transphobia for ts #misogyny for ts #i don't gaf anymore #rape cw #Anonymous #ask post

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kuromichad · 4 years ago

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different subject that’s heavy on my mind rn but since i’m already being harsh let’s get into it. i wish it wasn’t automatically presumed to be some kind of truscum attitude when someone tries to express that different parts of The Trans Community have like, different needs and different risk levels and different experiences and that we have the ability to talk over each other, harm each other, etc... like when i put it that way people generally are like ‘of course that’s true!’ but is it ever really understood in practice? a number of people (not a large enough number, but still) are able to loosely understand ‘you can be trans and transphobic’ when it’s applied to the matter of transmisogyny but when a trans person tries to express distrust of or frustration with afab nb people due to how common it is that that category of person will, despite being trans/nb, espouse bioessentialist, anti-medical-transition, radfem-adjacent if not outright cryptoterf rhetoric, suddenly ‘trans people can be transphobic’ gets applied to... the person with a complaint about transphobia.

because he’s clearly an evil truscum man! regardless of if the person making the complaint is a trans man or trans woman, oops, lol. he’s a bad person who is attacking and invalidating and totally hatecriming the heckin’ valid, equally at-risk transgender identity of “an afab woman who isn’t a woman except when she pointedly categorizes themself as a woman because being afab makes them a woman who is ‘politically aligned’ with women but she’s not an icky unwoke cis woman because they don’t like being forced into womanhood although Really When You Think About It 🤔 all women are dysphoric because obviously the pathologized medical diagnosis of gender dysphoria in transgender people is something that equally applies to cis women just default existing under patriarchy 🤔, and no, equating these things totally does not imply anything reductive about or add a bizarre moral dimension to the idea of being transgender, whaaaaat, this woman who isn’t a woman doesn’t think there’s anything immoral or cowardly or misogynist or delusional about being transgender, they would never say that because THEY’RE transgender, except when she feels it’s important (constantly) to make clear that she’s Still A Woman Deep Down Inherently Despite Not Identifying As One, and none of this ever has any effect on how they treat the concept, socially and politically, of people who actually wholly identify with (and possibly medically transition to) a gender different from the one they were assigned at birth, be it ‘the opposite gender’ or abstaining from binary gender altogether or ‘politically aligning’ with the ‘opposite’ gender from their asab. never ever!”

and like maybe that sounds like a completely absurd and hateful strawman to you! but in that case you’re either like, lucky, or optimistic, or ignorant. i’m literally not looking at random nb people and declaring that in My Truscum Opinion they’re ‘really a woman’ just because they’re not medically transitioning or meeting some arbitrary standard of mine. i am looking at self-identified afab nb people, who most often use she/they because, y’know, words mean things, especially pronouns, so people who are willingly ‘aligned with womanhood’ typically intentionally use she/her (sorry that i guess that’s another truscum take now!!! that pronouns mean things!!! the bigender transmasc who deliberately uses exclusively he/him wants it to invoke a perception he’s comfortable with!), who actively say the things listed above (in a non-sarcastic manner).

like, the line between a person who says “i don’t claim to really not be my asab because i know no one would ever perceive me as anything else” because theyve internalized a defeatist attitude due to societal transphobia, and a person who says that because they... genuinely believe it’s impossible/ridiculous/an imposition to truly be transgender (in the traditional trans sense, beyond a vague nb disidentification with gender) and are actively contributing to the former person’s self loathing... is hard to define from a distance! i think plenty of people who are, in a sense, ‘tentative’ or like ‘playing close to home’ so to speak in their identity are ‘genuinely trans’ (whatever that may mean) and just going through a process. they might arrive at a different identity or might just eventually stop saying/believing defeatist stuff, who knows. but there are enough people saying it for the latter reason, or at least not caring if they sound that way, that it’s like, dangerous. it is actively incredibly harmful to other trans people. and it’s fucking ridiculous that it’s so difficult to criticize because you’ll always get the defense of “umm but i’m literally trans” and/or “well i’m just talking about ME, this doesn’t apply to other trans people” when it’s an attitude that very clearly seeps into their politics and the way they discuss gender.

because it’s just incredibly common for afab nb people (most typically those that go by she/they! since i’m aware that uh, i am also afab nb, but we clearly are extremely different, so that’s the best categorization i’ve got) to discuss gender in moralized terms, with the excuse of patriarchy/misogyny existing, which of course adds another difficult dimension to trying to criticize this because it gets the response of “don’t act like misandry is real” (it’s not, but being a dick still is) and “boohoo, let women complain about their oppressors” (this goes beyond ‘complaining’). a deliberate revocation of empathy/sympathy/compassion from men and projection of inherently malicious/brutish/cruel intent onto men (not solely in the justified generalizations ‘men suck/are dangerous’, but in specific interactions too) underpin a whole fucking lot of popular posts/discussions online, whether they’re political or casual/social, and it absolutely influences how people conceptualize and feel about transness.

because ‘maleness is evil’ is still shitty politics even when you’ve slightly reframed it from the terf ‘trans women are evil because they’re Really Men and can never escape being horrific soulless brutes just as women can never escape being fragile morally superior flowers’ to the tumblr shethey “trans women who are out to me/unclockable are tolerable i guess because they’re women and women are good; anyone i personally presume to be a cis man, though, is still automatically evil, and saying trans men are Just As Bad is progressive of me, and it’s totally unrelated and apolitical that i think we should expand the concept of afab lesbianism so broadly that you can now be basically indistinguishable from trans men on literally every single level except for a declaration of ‘but i would never claim to be a man because i’m secure in the Innate Womanhood of the body i was born into, even as i medically alter that body because it causes me great gendered discomfort.’ none of this at all indicates that i feel there’s an immense moral/political gap between being an afab nb lesbian vs a straight trans man! it says nothing at all about my concept of ‘maleness’ and there’s no way this rhetoric bleeds into my perception of trans women and no way loudly talking about all this could keep trans people around me self-loathing and closeted, because i’m Literally Trans and Not A Terf!”

again, if that sounds like a hateful strawman, sorry but it’s not. i guess i’m supposed to be like ‘all of the many people ive seen saying these shitty things is an evil outlier who Doesn’t Count, and it’s not fair to the broad identity of afab shethey to not believe that every person who doesn’t outright say terfy enough things is a perfectly earnest valid accepting trans person who’s beyond criticism’ but like. this cannot be about broad validation. this can’t be about discarding all the bad apples as not really part of the group. we can’t be walking on eggshells to coddle what are essentially, in the end, Cis Feelings, because in the best cases this kind of rhetoric comes from naive people who are early and uncertain in their gender journey or whatever and are in the process of unraveling internalized transphobia, and in the easily observable worst cases these people are very literally redefining shit so that ‘actually all afab women are trans, spiritually, all afabs have dysphoria, we are all Equally oppressed by Males uh i mean cis men <3’ because, let’s be honest, they know that the moment they call themselves trans they get to say whatever they want about gender no matter how harmful it is to the rest of us. and those ideas spread like wildfire through the afab shethey “woman that’s not a woman” community that frankly greatly outnumbers other types of trans people online, because many of those people just do not have the experiences that lead you to really understand this shit and have to push back against concepts of gender that actively harm you as a trans person.

like that’s all i want to be able to say, is Things Are Different For Different Groups. and a willful ignorance of these differences leads to bad rhetoric controlling the overall discourse which gets people hurt. and even when concepts arise from it that seem positive and helpful and inclusive, in practice or in origin those ideas can still be upholding shit that gets other people hurt. like, i don’t doubt that many people are very straightforwardly happy and comfortable with an identity like ‘afab nb lesbian on testosterone’ and it would be ridiculous and hypocritical for me, ‘afab nb who wants to pass as a guy so he can comfortably wear skirts again,’ to act like that’s something that can’t or shouldn’t exist. it’s not about the identity itself, it’s about the politics that are popular within its community, and how the use of identities as moral labels with like, fucking pokemon type interactions for oppression effectiveness which directly informs the moral correctness of your every opinion and your very existence, is a shitty practice that gets people hurt and leads us to revoke empathy from each other.

like. sorry this is all over the place and long and probably still sounds evil because i haven’t thought through and disclaimered every single statement. but i’m like exhausted from living with this self-conscious guilt that maybe i’ve turned into a horrible evil truscum misogynist etc etc due to feeling upset by this seemingly inescapable approach to gender in lgbt/online circles that like, actively harms me, because when i vent with my friends all the stuff i’ve tried to explain here gets condensed down to referencing ‘she/theys’ as a category and that feels mean and generalizing and i genuinely dislike generalizations but the dread i feel about that category gets proven right way too often. it’s just like. this is not truscum this is not misgendering this is not misogyny. this is not about me decreeing that all transmascs have to be manly enough or dysphoric enough and all nbs have to be neatly agender and androgynous or something, i’m especially not saying that nb gender isn’t real lmao or even that it’s automatically wrong to partially identify with your asab; this is not me saying you can only medically transition for specific traditional reasons or that you don’t get a say on anything if you aren’t medically transitioning for whatever reason, now or ever. i just. want to be allowed to be frank about how... when there’s different experiences in a community we should like. acknowledge those differences and be willing to say that sometimes people don’t know what they’re talking about or that what they’re saying is harmful. without the primary concern being whether people will feel invalidated by being told so. because these are like, real issues, that are more important than politely including everyone, because that method is just getting vulnerable people drowned out constantly.

#source on much of this: existing as a transmasc on tumblr for years and years.#i stopped identifying as any sort of 'woman-aligned' pretty much right before the ridiculous 'all afabs are dysphoric' stuff #but it sure did still make me hate myself and feel like a silly cowardly ugly little girl for wanting to transition!#and back when i WAS a she/they i definitely was falling for 'men are bad maleness is bad always inherently :)' rhetoric #not in the modern form outlined above but in the like. brainlessly parroted from 'baeddel tumblr' form #which was still like 'you can escape being a Bad Person by either becoming or admitting you are a girl :)'#and the only acknowledgment of trans men in this ideology was like. 'well i guess they feel like they have to do that :\'#'too bad for them. im not saying they shouldnt transition but you know. men suck though <3'#it was bad for me it was bad for other people so im saying from experience. Fucking cut it out! the end

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whencartoonsruletheworld · 4 years ago

Link

Disney but just the Queer Mood™ Songs, a full Spotify Playlist

Open to updates should anyone notice a song I missed!

Tracklist with specific lyrics that fuck us all up under the cut:

KEY: A general list of which songs resonate with people. The 🏳️‍🌈is for general songs; if you relate to a song but don’t see ur emoji beneath it, send me a message and I’ll add it!

🏳️‍🌈 General Queer Anthem 🌈 Gays specifically have related to this song ❤️ Gay Men specifically have related to this song 🧡 Lesbians specifically have related to this song 💕 Bisexuals/Pansexuals specifically have related to this song 💜 Asexuals/Ace-spectrum people specifically have related to this song 💚 Aromatics/Aro-spectrum people specifically have related to this song 🤍 Trans people have specifically related to this song 🖤 Nonbinary/Genderqueer people have specifically related to this song 💗 Polyamorous people have specifically related to this song

Know Who You Are - Moana

🏳️‍🌈

They have stolen the heart from inside you But this does not define you This is not who you are You know who you are...

I Wonder - Sleeping Beauty

🌈🧡

I wonder, I wonder, I wonder why each little bird has a someone To sing to, sweet things to, A gay little love melody I wonder, I wonder, I wonder if my heart keeps singing, Will my song go winging To someone, who'll find me And bring back a love song to me...

Mother Knows Best - Tangled

🏳️‍🌈 honestly this is just... a general song for some of our shitty relationships to guardian figures...

It's a scary world out there Mother knows best One way or another Something will go wrong, I swear

Me, I'm just your mother, what do I know? I only bathed and changed and nursed you Go ahead and leave me, I deserve it Let me die alone here, be my guest When it's too late You'll see, just wait Mother knows best

Don't forget it You'll regret it...

Dangerous to Dream - Frozen Broadway Production

🏳️‍🌈

I can't be what you expect of me But I'm trying every day with all I do and do not say Here on the edge of the abyss Knowing everything in my whole life has lead to this And so I pull inside myself, close the walls, put up my guard I've practiced every single day for this So why is it so hard?

I can't dwell on what we've lost And our secrecy and silence comes at such a cost

I wish I could tell the truth Show you who's behind the door I wish you knew what all this pantomime And pageantry was for

It's dangerous to wish I could make choices of my own Dangerous to even have that thought I'm dangerous just standing here for everyone to see If I let go of rules who knows how dangerous I'd be?

Reflection - Mulan

🏳️‍🌈🤍🖤- literally everyone requested this. everyone. so im just copy-pasting the entire lyrics sorry not sorry

Look at me, I will never pass for a perfect bride Or a perfect daughter Can it be I'm not meant to play this part? Now I see that if I were truly to be myself I would break my family's heart

Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me? Why is my reflection someone I don't know? Somehow I cannot hide who I am, though I’ve tried When will my reflection show who I am inside?

How I pray that a time will come I can free myself From their expectations On that day, I'll discover someway to be myself And to make my family proud They want a docile lamb No one knows who I am Must there be a secret me I'm forced to hide? Must I pretend that I'm Someone else for all time? When will my reflection show Who I am inside? When will my reflection show Who I am inside?

Everything I Ever Thought I Knew - Tangled: The Series

🏳️‍🌈 when u realize u might not be straight lol

I thought no one could love me And how could I have known? I was wrong, oh so wrong

Everything I ever thought I knew Where I've been, where I'm going Everything I counted on turned out to be untrue Could've guessed, should've known, now I do

If none of it was really me then who am I supposed to be?

I guess I'm someone else now I wonder who I am

God Help the Outcasts - Hunchback of Notre Dame

🏳️‍🌈...yeah. yeah

Yes, I know I'm just an outcast I shouldn't speak to You Still, I see Your face and wonder Were You once an outcast, too?

God help the outcasts, hungry from birth Show them the mercy they don't find on Earth God help my people, they look to You, still God help the outcasts or nobody will

I ask for nothing, I can get by But I know so many less lucky than I Please help my people, the poor and downtrod I thought we all were the children of God

Belle (Reprise) - Beauty and the Beast

🌈 when a cishet thinks ur interested smh

Madame Gaston! Can't you just see it? Madame Gaston! His little wife No, sir! Not me! I guarantee it I want much more than this provincial life!

I want adventure in the great wide somewhere I want it more than I can tell And for once it might be grand To have someone understand I want so much more than they've got planned...

Part of Your World - The Little Mermaid

🌈 SO many people requested this one guys it’s not even funny

Wandering free, wish I could be Part of that world

Betcha on land, they understand Bet they don't reprimand their daughters Bright young women, sick of swimming Ready to stand

When's it my turn? Wouldn't I love, Love to explore that shore up above?

One Jump Ahead (Reprise) - Aladdin

🏳️‍🌈

Riff-raff, street rat I don't buy that If only they'd look closer

Would they see a poor boy? No, siree They'd find out There's so much more to me...

Proud of Your Boy - Aladdin Broadway Production

🏳️‍🌈❤️🤍

That I've been one rotten kid Some son, some pride and some joy But I'll get over these lousin' up Messin' up, screwin' up times...

Water flows under the bridge Let it pass, let it go There's no good reason that you should believe me Not yet, I know, but

Someday and soon I'll make you proud of your boy Though I can't make myself taller Or smarter or handsome or wise I'll do my best, what else can I do? Since I wasn't born perfect like Dad or you...

Someone’s Waiting for You - The Rescuers

🏳️‍🌈

Be brave, little one Make a wish for each sad little tear Hold your head up though no one is near Someone's waiting for you

Always keep a little prayer in your pocket And you're sure to see the light Soon there'll be joy and happiness And your little world will be bright

Have faith, little one Til your hopes and your wishes come true

Stick to the Status Quo - High School Musical

🏳️‍🌈 🌈 YOU ALL KNOW EXACTLY WHY THIS IS HERE

No, no, no, stick to the stuff you know It is better by far to keep things as they are Don't mess with the flow, no no Stick to the status quo

Into the Unknown - Frozen 2

🏳️‍🌈

I can hear you, but I won't Some look for trouble while others don't There's a thousand reasons I should go about my day And ignore your whispers which I wish would go away

I've had my adventure, I don't need something new I'm afraid of what I'm risking if I follow you

Or are you someone out there who's a little bit like me? Who knows deep down I'm not where I'm meant to be? Every day's a little harder as I feel my power grow Don't you know there's part of me that longs to go

Where are you going? Don't leave me alone How do I follow you Into the unknown?

Go the Distance - Hercules

🏳️‍🌈

I have often dreamed of a far off place Where a great, warm welcome will be waiting for me

And a voice keeps saying This is where I'm meant to be

I am on my way, I can go the distance I don't care how far, somehow I'll be strong I know every mile will be worth my while I would go most anywhere to find where I belong

Tomorrow - Annie

🏳️‍🌈 - betcha didnt know disney had an annie movie did u

The sun will come out tomorrow Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow There'll be sun

When I'm stuck in a day that's gray and lonely, I just stick out my chin and grin and say, oh, The sun’ll come out tomorrow So you gotta hang on til tomorrow, come what may...

Learn Me Right - Brave

🏳️‍🌈💜💚

Though I may speak some tongue of old Or even spit out some holy word I have no strength with which to speak When you sit me down and see I’m weak

We will run and scream you will dance with me We'll fulfill our dreams, and we'll be free We will be who we are, and they’ll heal our scars Sadness will be far away...

Strange Sight - Tinkerbell and the Legend of the Neverbeast

🏳️‍🌈

You stand in the light You're wrong, but you're right And my heart's beating wildly Strange how I'm scared but delighted Afraid, but excited too

I will understand you Strange how I'm drawn to the danger I reach out my hand to you

If you're caught in the shadows and turned all around Lost in the darkness, you will be found If you hear my voice, follow the sound Cause I'm here to guide you home...

I Don’t Dance - High School Musical 2

🌈 ❤️ 💕 okay so if you weren’t here for the high school musical tumblr revival you may be confused but listen... it’s about being mlm...

Step up to the plate, start swinging

I wanna play ball Now that’s all, this is what I do It ain’t no dance that you can show me

I’ve got what it takes playin’ my game So you best skin that pitch you gonna throw me, yeah I’ll show you how I swing

I can prove it to you ‘til you know it’s true Cause I can swing it, I can bring it to the diamond too You’re talking a lot, show me what you got Stop, swing!

Kiss the Girl - cover of The Little Mermaid

this version is sung by a girl so 🧡💕

There you see her, sitting there across the way She don't got a lot to say but there's something about her And you don't know why, but you're dying to try You wanna kiss the girl

Yes, you want her Look at her, you know you do It's possible she want you too There is one way to ask her...

Can You Feel the Love Tonight - The Lion King

🏳️‍🌈

An enchanted moment And it sees me through It's enough for this restless warrior Just to be with you

There's a time for everyone if they only learn That the twisting kaleidoscope moves us all in turn There's a rhyme and reason to the wild outdoors When the heart of this star-crossed voyager Beats in time with yours

And can you feel the love tonight? It is where we are It's enough for this wide-eyed wanderer That we got this far And can you feel the love tonight? How it's laid to rest It's enough to make kings and vagabonds Believe the very best

Beauty and the Beast - Beauty and the Beast

🏳️‍🌈- a lot of queer people tend to empathize with “beastly” characters so we all latched the fuck onto this movie huh

Just a little change, small to say the least Both a little scared, neither one prepared

Ever just the same, ever a surprise Ever as before, ever just as sure As the sun will rise

Tale as old as time, tune as old as song Bittersweet and strange, finding you can change Learning you were wrong...

Healing Incantation - Tangled

🏳️‍🌈🤍🖤

Heal what has been hurt Change the fates' design Save what has been lost Bring back what once was mine

So Close - Enchanted

🏳️‍🌈🌈

A life goes by, romantic dreams will stop So I bid mine goodbye and never knew So close was waiting waiting here with you And now, forever, I know All that I wanted to hold you so close

Oh, how could I face the faceless days If I should lose you now?

So close to reaching that famous happy end Almost believing this one's not pretend Let’s go on dreaming though we know we are So close, so close, and still So far...

If Only - Descendants

🏳️‍🌈🌈

A million thoughts in my head Should I let my heart keep listening? Cause up 'til now, I've walked the line Nothing lost but something missing I can't decide what's wrong, what's right Which way should I go?

Every step, every word With every hour I'm feeling in To something new, something brave To someone I've never been

Will you still be with me When the magic's all run out?

If only I knew what my heart was telling me Don't know what I'm feeling Is this just a dream? If only I could read the signs in front of me I could find the way to who I'm meant to be

Wherever You Are - Pooh’s Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin

🏳️‍🌈- out of context could be interpreted as romantic, esp since the credits version is a duet (🌈 💕) but the original context is friendship so honestly it’s very 💜💚

I'm out here in the dark, all alone and wide awake Come and find me I'm empty and I'm cold, and my heart's about to break Come and find me

I need you to come here and find me Cause without you, I'm totally lost I've hung a wish on every star It hasn't done much good so far I can only dream of you

But when the morning comes and the sun begins to rise, I will lose you Because it’s just a dream, when I open up my eyes, I will lose you

I used to believe in forever, But forever is too good to be true I've hung a wish on every star It hasn't done much good so far

I don't know what else to do Except to try to dream of you And wonder, if you're dreaming too Wherever you are

I Won’t Say (I’m In Love) - Hercules

🏳️‍🌈 🌈 💕

If there's a prize for rotten judgment, I guess I've already won that

Who d'you think you're kiddin'? He's the earth and heaven to ya Try to keep it hidden Honey, we can see right through ya Girl, you can't conceal it We know how you feel And who you're thinking of

I thought my heart had learned its lesson It feels so good when you start out My head is screaming "Get a grip, girl!" Unless you're dying to cry your heart out

You keep on denying Who you are and how you're feeling Baby, we're not buying Hon, we saw you hit the ceiling

This scene won't play I won't say I'm in love

At least out loud, I won't say I'm in love

Endless Night - The Lion King Broadway Production

🏳️‍🌈🤍 🖤

Where has the starlight gone? Dark is the day How can I find my way home? Home is an empty dream, lost to the night Father, I feel so alone

When will the dawning break, oh, endless night Sleepless I dream of the day

I know that the night must end And that the sun will rise I know that the clouds must clear And that the sun will shine

Set Yourself Free - Tangled: The Series

🏳️‍🌈🤍

There's much more inside of you than anyone can see And now the choice is yours Life waits beyond the doors So step on through, the time has come And only you can set yourself free!

No one else can tell you what to do Or who to be! No one gets to say if you will stay or go

Look inside your heart and find the key... And set yourself free!

Bound up by your worries Trapped by your mistakes Forced to play a role you never chose Why not test your limits? You've got what it takes Let it out and follow where it goes

No more letting someone else define you to a "T" You know that you are strong You've known it all along So seize the day, let down your hair You’ll find a way to set yourself free!

So look to the horizon Open up your wings! Fly away to find your destiny... And set yourself free!

Speechless - Aladdin 2019 Remake

🏳️‍🌈 ALL OF US ALL OF US

Here comes a wave meant to wash me away A tide that is taking me under

Cause I'll breathe when they try to suffocate me! Don't you underestimate me! Cause I know that I won't go speechless!

Written in stone, every rule, every word Centuries old and unbending "Stay in your place, better seen and not heard," Well, now that story is ending

Try to lock me in this cage! I won't just lay me down and die! I will take these broken wings And watch me burn across the sky!

I’m Still Here (Jim’s Theme) - Treasure Planet

🏳️‍🌈❤️🤍

I am a question to the world Not an answer to be heard Or a moment that's held in your arms

You don't know me And I'll never be what you want me to be

And what do you think you'd understand I'm a boy - No, I'm a man You can't take me and throw me away And how can you learn what's never shown Yeah, you stand here on your own They don't know me, cause I’m not here

And I want to tell you who I am Can you help me be a man They can't break me As long as I know who I am

They can't tell me who to be 'Cause I'm not what they see Yeah, the world is still sleepin' While I keep on dreaming for me And their words are just whispers and lies That I'll never believe!

Crossing the Line - cover of Tangled: the Series

🏳️‍🌈 🧡 tfw when u are DONE with that fuckin closet

This has to stop now This thing where you think that you've been my friend And don't even hear how you condescend The way you've always done

How I've tried to jump that great divide! But I've never got the chances you were given You don't know how much I've been denied Well, I'm not being patient anymore

I'm crossing the line! And I'm done holding back So look out, clear the track, it's my turn! I'm taking what's mine Every drop, every smidge If I'm burning a bridge, let it burn! But I'm crossing the line...

Let it Go - Frozen

🏳️‍🌈 listen. i do not have to explain this one. you all know exactly why it’s here. we were all tiny gays in 2013 losing our shit in the theater for no discernable reason why. we know

Couldn't keep it in, Heaven knows I tried

Don't let them in, don't let them see Be the good girl you always have to be Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know Well, now they know!

Let it go! Let it go! Turn away and slam the door! I don't care what they're going to say!

It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all!

No right, no wrong, no rules for me I'm free!

I'm never going back, the past is in the past!

Let it go! Let it go! And I'll rise like the break of dawn Let it go! Let it go! That perfect girl is gone!

This is Me - Camp Rock

🏳️‍🌈 🧡 💕 🤍

I've always been the kind of girl that hid my face So afraid to tell the world what I've got to say But I have this dream right inside of me I'm gonna let it show it's time To let you know It's to let you know

Do you know what it's like to feel so in the dark? To dream about a life where you're the shining star

This is real, this is me I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, now Gonna let the light shine on me Now I've found who I am there's no way to hold it in No more hiding who I wanna be...

Breaking Free - High School Musical

🏳️‍🌈 🖤

You know the world can see us In a way that's different than who we are Creating space between us 'Till we're separate hearts But your faith it gives me strength Strength to believe

Soarin, flyin There’s not a star in heaven that we can’t reach If we’re trying, yeah we’re breaking free We’re running, climbin To get to the place, to be all that we can be Now’s the time, so we’re breaking free

True To Your Heart - Mulan

🏳️‍🌈 🌈

Baby, I knew at once that you were meant for me Deep in my soul, I know that I'm your destiny Though you're unsure Why fight the tide Don't think so much Let your heart decide

True to your heart You must be true to your heart That's when the heavens'll part And, baby, shower you with my love Open your eyes Your heart can tell you no lies And when you're true to your heart I know it's gonna lead you straight to me

Someone ya know is on your side can set you free I can do that for you if you believe in me Why second guess what feels so right Just trust your heart And you'll see the light

Never Knew I Needed - The Princess and the Frog

🏳️‍🌈 🌈 💕

For the way you changed my plans For being the perfect distraction For the way you took the idea that I have Of everything that I wanted to have And made me see there was something missing...

My accidental happily ever after The way you smile and how you comfort me with your laughter I must admit you were not a part of my book But now if you open it up and take a look You're the beginning and the end of every chapter

You're the best thing I never knew I needed So when you were here I had no idea You'd be the best thing I never knew I needed So now it's so clear I need you here always

Colors of the Wind - Pocahontas

🏳️‍🌈 - colors.... rainbows.... yea

How can there be so much that you don't know? You don't know...

You think the only people who are people Are the people who look and think like you But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger You'll learn things you never knew, you never knew

How high will the sycamore grow If you cut it down, then you'll never know And you'll never hear the wolf cry to the blue corn moon For whether we are white or copper skinned We need to sing with all the voices of the mountains We need to paint with all the colors of the wind...

I See the Light - Tangled

🏳️‍🌈 🌈 - you would not BELIEVE how many of y’all requested this one

Now I'm here, blinking in the starlight Now I'm here, suddenly I see Standing here, it's all so clear I'm where I'm meant to be

Now she's here shining in the starlight Now she's here, suddenly I know If she's here it's crystal clear I'm where I'm meant to go

And at last I see the light And it's like the fog has lifted And at last I see the light And it's like the sky is new And it's warm and real and bright And the world has somehow shifted

All at once, everything looks different Now that I see you

Strangers Like Me - Tarzan

🏳️‍🌈 🤍 🖤- that moment when u find another queer person and ur like “holy shit”

I can see there's so much to learn It's all so close and yet so far I see myself as people see me Oh, I just know there's something bigger out there

Come with me now to see my world Where there's beauty beyond your dreams Can you feel the things I feel Right now, with you Take my hand There's a world I need to know...

Why Should I Worry? - Oliver & Company

🏳️‍🌈- we’re queer, we’re here, get used to it

Why should I worry? Why should I care? I may not have a dime But I got street savoir-faire Why should I worry? Why should I care? It's just be-bopulation And I got street savoir-faire

Why should I worry? Why should I care? And even when I crossed that line I got street savoir-faire

Welcome - Brother Bear

🏳️‍🌈 pride parade amirite

Everyone's invited This is how we live We are here for each other, happy to give All we have we share And all of us we care

There's a bond between us nobody can explain It's a celebration of life We see our friends again I'll be there for you I know you'll be there for me, too So come on!

This has to be the most beautiful The most peaceful place I've ever been to It's nothing like I've never seen before When I think how far I've come I can't believe it And yet I see it In them I see family I see the way we used to be...

The Great Divide - Tinkerbell and the Secret of the Wings

🏳️‍🌈

I'm on your side Let's take this ride And together we're facing the world Doing things nobody's done before And the great divide doesn’t seem so wide anymore

With You by My Side - Tangled: the Series

💗 - tangled the series was so close to being canon polyam istg

Now; now more than ever We must stick together united

If we're destined to head in our own different ways Let's make the most of these sweet final days Why not go out in a glorious blaze

There's nothing I couldn't do Not with you by my side What in the world would I do Without you by my side...

Love Will Find a Way - The Lion King 2: Simba’s Pride

🏳️‍🌈 🌈

In a perfect world One we've never known We would never need to face the world alone They can have the world We'll create our own I may not be brave or strong or smart But somewhere in my secret heart

And if only they could feel it too The happiness I feel with you

Like dark turning into day Somehow we'll come through Now that I've found you Love will find a way I know love will find a way

Space Between - Descendants 2

🧡 never have i ever seen gays flock to a song faster

And you can find me in the space between Where two worlds come to meet I'll never be out of reach Cause you're a part of me so you can find me in the space between You'll never be alone No matter where you go We can meet in the space between

Even if we're worlds apart You're still in my heart It will always be you and me, yeah

If I Never Knew You - Pocahontas

🏳️‍🌈🌈

And if I never held you I would never have a clue How at last I'd find in you The missing part of me...

In this world so full of fear Full of rage and lies I can see the truth so clear In your eyes So dry your eyes

If I never knew you I'd be safe but half as real Never knowing I could feel A love so strong and true

I thought our love would be so beautiful Somehow we'd make the whole world bright I never knew that fear and hate could be so strong All they'd leave us were these whispers in the night But still my heart is saying we were right

I’d Give Anything - Tangled: the Series

🧡 rapunzel’s sad breakup song

So if you find that you're in darkness or despair Though you won't turn to me please know I'll be right there Name any sacrifice, I'll pay the price that's due Cause I'd give anything for you Yes, I'd give anything to relive everything we knew...

Someday - Hunchback of Notre Dame

🏳️‍🌈

I used to believe In the days I was naïve That I'd live to see A day of justice dawn And though I will die Long before that morning comes I'll die while believing still It will come when I am gone

Someday, when we are wiser When the world's older, when we have learned I pray someday we may yet live To live and let live

Someday, these dreams will all be real Till then we'll wish upon the moon Change will come, one day Someday soon...

No One Is Alone - Into the Woods

🏳️‍🌈

Mother cannot guide you, now your on your own. Only me beside you, still you're not alone. No one is alone. Truly, no one is alone…

People make mistakes Holding to their own Thinking they’re alone

Someone is on your side, someone else is not While we’re seeing our side, maybe we forgot They are not alone, no one is alone...

I Am Moana (Song of the Ancestors) - Moana

🏳️‍🌈 🤍 - it’s about the self-acceptance binch

Sometimes, the world seems against you The journey may leave a scar But scars can heal and reveal just Where you are

The people you love will change you The things you have learned will guide you And nothing on Earth can silence The quiet voice still inside you

I've delivered us to where we are I have journeyed farther I am everything I've learned and more Still it calls me

And the call isn't out there at all, it's inside me! It's like the tide, always falling and rising I will carry you here in my heart, you remind me That come what may I know the way

Show Yourself - Frozen 2

🏳️‍🌈 - this one was claimed immediately by the queer community and we all have a stake in it but i do want to point out that i got this from a LOT of 🤍 🖤 💜 💚

I have always been a fortress Cold secrets deep inside You have secrets too But you don't have to hide

I've never felt so certain All my life, I've been torn But I'm here for a reason Could it be the reason I was born? I have always been so different Normal rules did not apply Is this the day? Are you the way I finally find out why?

Oh, show yourself Let me see who you are... Come to me now Open your door Don't make me wait One moment more!

(Come, my darling, homeward bound) I am found!

Transformation / Beauty and the Beast (Reprise) - Beauty and the Beast Broadway Production

🏳️‍🌈

We are home, we are where we shall be forever Trust in me, for you know I won’t run away from today This is all that I need, and all that I need to say Don’t you know how you’ve changed me? Strange how I finally see I found home, you’re my home, stay with me...

Finale / Let it Go - Frozen Broadway Production

🏳️‍🌈 this makes me bawl so it gets finale

There’s so much I longed to say Then say it all, beginning with today It’s like a dream I thought could never be Elsa, you’re free

Here we stand in the light of day Let the sun shine on

I take this warmth within and send it up above Goodbye to dark and fear, let’s fill this world with light and love And here surrounded by a family at least We’re never going back, the past is in the past

Let our true love go Let it go!

#disney #disney songs #queer #lgbt #lgbtq #mine

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fandomtrumpshate · 5 years ago

Text

FTH 2020 Totals

This is an exciting post to make! 2020 is a scary year, in many ways. But the auction has been a way for us to channel our fear and anxiety into creativity, community-building, and much-needed financial support for some really amazing organizations. (Two of them even reached out directly to thank everyone involved!)

We had more creators than ever before – 573! – step up to offer just under 750 fanworks in 298 fandoms. We had sixty fan laborers sign onto a brand-new project, joining the Regiment of Fan Laborers to support FTH authors – and 34 people donated to thank the ROFL for their work. We ran a crafts bazaar for the first time, helping nearly a dozen fan crafters connect with people who wanted to support the auction’s causes.

And guys, we broke a lot of records.

This was FTH’s biggest single year yet.

Our official total for the year...

Get ready for it...

Is...

And when you add in the contributions from our unofficial Fancrafts Bazaar, our total rises to...

$32,727!

That sparkly number also doesn’t include the extra pennies and dollars that so many of you donated to cover processing fees. We decided not to record those, but we appreciate them, and we know the recipient organizations do too.

That money you all raised is already being put to work by small organizations that are doing extraordinary work: providing life-saving food and water to refugees crossing the desert, creating safer environments for LGBTQ kids in K-12 schools, fighting for the rights of trans people, helping to elect Black women, working with communities to reverse pollution and protect wild spaces, educating the public about genocide in all its forms, creating a path out of hatred for members of white supremacist groups, advocating in court for immigrant children, helping disadvantaged voters make their voices heard, and so much more.

Here is the full breakdown by organization:

Border Angels: $2,841 Clean Water Fund: $1,484 Center for Public Integrity: $628 ConPRMetidos: $2,124 Fair Vote: $2,308 GLSEN: $2,565 Higher Heights: $1,238 Life After Hate: $1,305 Manomet: $1,165 RAINN: $3,784 Spread the Vote: $2,001 Transgender Legal Defense and Education Fund: $3,267 Unsilence: $1,073 Young Center for Immigrant Children's Rights: $6,491

…and a handful of donations to other organizations, such as WIRES (Australian wildfire relief), HIAS, the World Wildlife Fund, RAICES, Planned Parenthood, and others, totaling $453.

And here’s another big milestone:

Over the past four years, you all have come together to raise

Let that sink in for a moment.

Transformative fan creators and the fellow fans who love their creations have come together from hundreds of different fandoms to raise over $100,000 for these organizations!

No matter what happens in November, we’ll be back next year.

No matter who our president will be for the next four years, we in the US will have an uphill battle to protect the most vulnerable among us and make our society more just. We hope you’ll come back too.

Here’s what you can do in the meantime:

1) Follow fth2020fanworks, where we will reblog the works created for this year’s auction. Creators, don’t forget to email links for us to reblog! Over on Dreamwidth, join the FTH Fanworks community - if you’re a creator, you can post your works there, or you can just join it to see all the great fanworks pop up on your reading page!

2) Keep up with the groups you have contributed to. Every single group on this list is doing extraordinary work, and every single one of them is doing it on a very small budget. We’ve already made their financial situation a bit more comfortable with the auction. (Again: if you didn’t see their notes of appreciation, you should go look!) But these groups will certainly be grateful for more financial support in three months, or six… and they also need your support in non-financial ways.

One great thing you can do for each of these groups, whether or not you donated to them during the auction, is to sign up for updates to stay current with their work. Simply being aware of the problems they are fighting, and the work they are doing to counteract them, is also valuable.

3) Run your own fandom-specific auction! Big pan-fandom auctions are.. well, they’re big and pan-fandom. Our reach is broad, but in some ways, it’s also shallow, and there’s a lot of management that goes into juggling all the different fandoms involved. But fandom-specific auctions are easier to run, and easier to publicize, and they bring out people who might not show up for a big pan-fandom thing.

And, although FTH opted not to support specific candidates for office, there’s no reason another auction couldn’t! If you want to support progressive candidates for office – especially downballot candidates who are likely struggling for funding or attention – we would be thrilled to support you.

If you’re interested in organizing an auction in your fandom, we will help you get started!

We have a playbook and organizational materials we’d love to share with you. We have templates, spreadsheets, even scripts to automate the process so that you don’t have to make all those forms and posts by hand! And we’re happy to talk you through any of it if you’re overwhelmed and confused. Just drop us an email at fandomtrumpshate at gmail dot com. Even if you don’t use our materials, we’re happy to help advertise your auction with reblogs.

Thanks, everyone. We’ll see you next year.

#fth2020 #fandom trumps hate 2020 #donation totals

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princealberich · 4 years ago

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Yo ignore this if you don't want to answer, but I saw your "don't use transness as a reveal" post and as a cis person: does that only apply when it's used for shock value or not related to the plot, or should it never be a reveal? I have a character who I was planning to have it be a reveal for as a way to help another character come to terms with transness - if you're willing, any advice on how to make that appropriate or should it not happen at all?

First up: Thank you so much for asking!!

The reveal of a trans person in media can be done well- I'll list a dos and don'ts list below to help!!

DO:

-Be open and engaging with your audience.

Even if the trans character hasn't been 'revealed' ic yet, let your audience know that they are trans if they ask! Hiding your character's transness from your audience makes it seem more like a plot twist or something that 'should' be hidden.

-Have your character out THEMSELF.

A very small minority of trans people actually want friends/family to tell people that they're trans- It's something that should be left to the trans person themself to divulge.

-Make it natural!

Depending on your character's personality, they might be shy about it, they might be confident, it may not even matter all that much to them! Everyone is different, and deals with their transness in a unique way.

-Research trans bodies!

This sounds weird, but trans bodies DO differ from cis bodies! I am speaking from the perspective of a FtM trans man here, so trans women please feel free to add onto this- But a trans body, usually, cannot appear to be 'naturally cis' without the proper treatmeny! Testosterone affects fat redistribution, vocal range, and many other things that are impossible to reach without treatment. Similarly, even if your character is flat chested, top surgery includes the resculpting of the chest (and sometimes nipple relocation) as to achieve a more naturally masculine look! Personally, I find when cis writers write their characters as 'naturally cis' passing, it takes away from many trans people's experiences.

DON'T:

-Bait your audience.

If people ask if x is trans, tell the truth. If they ask who your trans characters are, tell them. Being trans isn't a huge secret or a plot twist, or something that should be kept a secret- It's a part of who we are, and hiding that ooc feels more like you're including a trans character for surprise value rather than out of genuine good intent.

-Have others out them.

Regardless of intent, it's a pretty big breach of privacy for someone who ISN'T the trans person to tell others that they are trans. The exception to this would be if your trans person explicitly mentions that they're okay with others telling people- Which would be good to include as reasoning, even just as a throwaway line!

-Reveal via private parts.

Just. Yeah. Just don't. It's way too overdone and pretty invasive to have the reveal ic be 'x walks in on y changing clothes'.

-Fall into stereotypes.

This is the 'feminine twink trans man' and the 'buff but gentle trans woman' tropes- I can't speak for trans women, like I said earlier, so please feel free to correct me there or add onto this! There is nothing wrong with these kinds of trans people, of course- I'm quite the twink myself- But for a cis writer, it's important that you don't only show these stereotypes. If you have a wide range of trans characters, show different kinds! Some trans men are feminine, others are macho, and it doesn't make them any less trans for it. However, if your ONLY trans man is a feminine twink (and you're a cis writer), then it does- Unfortunately- Fall into a harmful stereotype.

But again, thank you so much for asking!! It's awesome that cis creators want to include trans people in their works- And asking/listening to trans people is the best way to do this!! If you have any more questions (even about trans bodies), please feel free to ask!!

#zchat #transgender #trans #writing tips

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pocmuzings · 4 years ago

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hi g! i am an admin of an rp and i really strive to make it as inclusive as possible so muns of all fcs feel welcome. i'm curious to know, when you are looking for an rp what do you look for in terms of admins making it inclusive? this isn't meant to be pointed at all, i am just genuinely looking to improve!

i feel like i answer this a fair bit , and honestly my answers don’t change too much ? there’s a plethora of things u can do , and by no means are these definitive . these are things ive noticed make me feel more included , or Safe to join a rp . speaking as a woc , and somebody in the Cursed tz . .

if ur an admin .. u should absolutely be playing a diverse character . please for the love of god . u should be the example of what the rp is about and what u wanna see . if ur char is just a cis whitey . . that just doesnt cut it for me ! thats not what i wanna see in 2021 !

when asked for most wanted fcs . . really name some ‘ unpopular ‘ fcs . aka faceclaims of colour . faceclaims that are gender diverse , body diverse , religiously diverse , different able bodied , etc , etc , etc !!! put these fcs in the forefront ! push for them ! strive to see them !

if somebody joins ur rp as a ‘ non popular fc ‘ aka . . a fc that isnt a whitey , or like . .zendaya . pls put in extra effort to plot and rp with them ! pls pls pls. because i guaranteed for the most part , especially in an established rp , they will be ignored otherwise ! if ur rp is super inclusive ooc , then this most likely wont happen , but also . . most rps arent super inclusive ooc lets be 100 here .

either write skeletons for chars that are DIFFERENT and ‘ challenging ‘ to some , or ENCOURAGE these characters to be written . write more smooth talking business men who are indian ! write characters who are hard of hearing ! write characters who wear hijabis ! who are ethnic but have great relationships with their parents ! write characters who are in wheelchairs , or are sexy and confident in their plus sized bodies . write characters who are black women who are soft , but still strong . write gentle black men . write a trans man , write a nonbinary god , etc , etc . defeat the stereotypes ! turn them on their head ! there are guides ! there is so much out there ! we can create the world we wanna live in , so why fill it with boring white cis , hetero normative ppl ???

know what ur gonna do with ur characters , plot wise . if ur rp has a plot , thats fantastic ! but . . u probably have to carry that momentum . ppl join ur rp bc they probably LIKE the plot and wanna explore the plot . so how r they characters gonna be involved ? whats their part in it all ? how will it help them develop ? what plot drops / tasks / events can u host that will make ppl do more with their chars and be more active ?

don’t have an ooc chat . just don’t . please . they’re so cliquey , they literally always are . those who like ooc chats are usually the ppl who r cliquey , im being honest fjknfjn . there is no point in having an ooc chat , really either . ppl can add each other on discord at any time , for free , if they want .

have clear boundaries . what can and CANNOT be rped . what fcs can and CANNOT be used . have a very very clear line . no lazy ‘ no taboo plots ‘ or ‘ no big plots without talking to admins ‘ ‘ no triggering topics ‘ ‘ no deceased fcs ‘ . no . u need to get in the nitty gritty . u need to ensure ur harbouring and keeping a safe space for those entering ur rp

be friendly , as an admin . be firm . but also , be very very open and candid and honest . if something goes wrong ? its so fine , and honestly v human , to post abt it ! if there’s drama ? its rlly good to address it and talk abt it amongst ur rpers . listen to ur rpers , if theres a problem . create open communication . maintain it . show that u care and want to help , when u can help , whilst also maintaining ur own sanity !

advertise ur rp for different timezones ! if ur entire ooc list is just rpers in the united states . . look . nothing wrong with it , but firstly , make sure everyone in the rp doesnt think america is the whole world ( the rpc / america rlly thinks its the whole fucking world sometimes ) . this means , dont make fun of ppl for spelling things differently ( honestly im just australian and this guy once made fun of me for spelling it as ‘ offence ‘ not ‘ offense ‘ . like . . ok im not american . the whole world isnt america kjfnjf ) . this doesn’t mean u need to be online at bizarre hours or ruining ur sleeping pattern , but try and get an admin thats in a diff timezone to help cover things ! or just make sure ur rlly advertising ur rp at allll times of a day . including when us ppl are usually asleep ! try and encourage other muns in other timezones to apply ! and when they do apply , pls try ur best to include them and make sure theyre not left out of everything !

theres probably a lot more but this is what first comes to mind for me , personally . this are usually my ‘ green signs ‘ ( go go go ! ) for a rp ! when i see this stuff on a main , or by an admin . . i feel very Warm n fuzzy .

#shutup g.#rph #rpc #again i know im missing a lot but hee honk #Anonymous

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myrsparv · 4 years ago

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I got this message, and I was originally going to ignore it, but I cannot reply to the person, nor can I see the content on their blog, so I assume they blocked me? Which I think is strange, since they asked me a question and now I cannot give them a direct answer. Well, anyway, I decided to get into it.

If you simply googled searched, you would get a very straightforward answer to what ”tradfem” is. As defined by urban dictionary, a tradfem is,

”a portmanteau of "traditional feminism" in reference to belief that adherence traditional feminine gender roles are better or more correct, especially those held by conservative Christian Americans, especially WASPs. Often in opposition of more modern women's rights and feminist movements, non-traditional gender roles (I.E. women wearing pants, having jobs. Clair thinks a woman's place is in the home. She runs a tradfem blog and posts pictures of women in dresses with long hair and discusses child rearing and cooking.”

Enjoying the aesthetic of traditional femininity (such as long hair, dresses, aprons, pink etc) is not inherently harmful. It is however a red flag for many, especially LGBTQ+ folks, people of color, and non-christians, and I’m guessing indigenous folks as well. There are many reasons why people are put off by this aesthetic, and I’ll get into it, but it is a long discussion and I am not linguistically armed for it, as english isn’t my first language. But I will do my best to explain.

Traditional femininity romanticises traditionally feminine clothes, practices and relationships, and shares many visual ideas as well as patterns of how things were ”back in the day,” when women were stay-at-home-wives who cooked and took care of kids. This idea is very US-centric, very American Dream-esque, but it also borrows elements from Europe from a time where colonisation and slavery and other more or less questionable and harmful things were at the forefront. There is also a LOT of overlap with fascist and alt-right nationalist ideas within the tradfem community, which should be enough for folks to feel uncomfortable and want to distance themselves from such a community and voice their distaste for it and wish to not be associated with them.

And let’s talk about this ”traditional feminism”. It is not inclusive or productive at all, and only benefits those who are higher up in power, primarily white, cishet women (and hardly them honestly,) in a western society. I suppose it is similar to earlier waves of feminism, which I might add only included the white cishet women, and excluded ex black people. What is it achieving, and for who? Who are included in this idea of feminism? Is it feminism at all, if the pursuit doesn’t have an end goal where equality/equity is achieved?

These blogs who are dedicated to traditional femininity and traditional feminism often say that there is nothing harmful about what they’re doing, that they’re simply enjoying an aesthetic! But here is the thing.

There is nothing wrong with liking to bake pies and share pictures of lambs, and dream of having a humble home with a partner to love and where the only worry you have is if you burnt your bread or not. You may even currently be a stay-at-home-wife, and there’s honestly nothing wrong with that. That is your choice, and if that makes you feel good and empowered, good for you.

However, this choice in your way of life is not an act of feminism.

On the contrary, it is anti-feminism to limit the freedom of others and infringe on their ability to make choices for themselves, such as careers, how to dress, how sexually active they want to be and if they want abortions or not, wether or not trans people should have access to transitioning, how people practice their religions, the list goes on. As soon as you say ”women belong at home” or ”abortions should be illegal”, you are taking away people’s rights to make choices for themselves, and oppressing others in your quest for feeling un-oppressed. It is not feminism to oppress, but to work against oppression, so once again you would be more-so aligning yourself with sexism and other more, aha, traditional ideas of what people’s place in society are - usually with the white man on top of the rest, the white woman second in command. That is not feminism.

Additionally, to say that feminism is only about men and women isn’t true - it goes hand in hand in combating racism, fascism, homo- and transphobia etc, and if ”your” feminism doesn’t include everyone then it simply isn’t feminism. So, when we look at this traditional femininity-aesthetic, we do not see inclusivity of these marginalised people. We only see the white christian and privileged woman, who may have the choice to decide for herself that she wants to be a traditional wife, a traditional mother, whatever it is - but other people are not able to make this choice for themselves, but are rather forced into a place where they are controlled and oppressed against their will, and it would certainly leave a bad taste in their mouth to see people choosing to do the same and say it is feminism, when it very clearly is not. You are in a privileged position and you need to realize that.

You cannot turn a blind eye to the harmful ideas that you are putting forward by engaging and spreading these types of images and posts that are being echoed within the tradfem community. You need to reflect on yourself and your values and where you got them from.

To say you know trans people in real life does not exempt you from holding transphobic ideas, and you should still practice some introspection on your own values and biases, and try to understand why on earth a trans person would feel uncomfortable and a distaste for ”traditional femininity” that ultimately doesn’t recognize trans people, or people of colour, or non-christian folks. You may love your trans nephew, and your black college, and your jewish neighbour - but that does not mean you don’t hold prejudice and carry harmful ideas that you may spread around and signal to these people around you that they ultimately cannot trust or rely on you because of your stance with traditional values, that has over the course of time excluded and harmed and ignored and killed these people.

To say that you are not infringing on me is also a lie. You are aggressive in your message to me, and showing a lack of understanding to where I am coming from with my stance, and you didn’t ask me to explain in a polite way. I do not know who you are, and I do not care much either, but your ideas could be harmful and damaging to me and the people I want to protect and help. I am not personally attacking you when I say ”tradfems stay away from my blog”, I am taking a stance and saying I do not align myself with their ideals, and stand in solidarity with LGBTQ+ folks, people of color and non-christians. If you feel like that is a personal blow and attack upon you, then I really suggest you practice some self-reflection and ask yourself if you are making the people you care about feel safe around you - like your trans nephew that you mentioned.

There is a vast difference in relationship with the content we consume based on our identity. Me as a white queer person from southern Sweden will have one kind of a relationship to cottage core, whilst an indigenous person from the USA has a COMPLETELY different view on the aesthetic and what it means, because of our differences in culture, history, power in society, location and identity, and it is very important that I, as a white person, ask myself what ideas I am putting out there. I do not wish to cause harm, so I have to look at the content I consume with a critical eye and ask myself what ideas and values I put forward, and who they benefit, and who they oppress. It is important to listen to the voices of others and create a space where communication and inclusivity is welcomed - and ”tradfem” isn’t a welcoming community, as it only portrays the traditionally feminine and traditionally accepted woman - the white young woman who is blind to the world around her and can’t see past her own privilege. Hell, cottage core isn’t a welcoming community either, and I have been vocal in my criticism of it since I first started interacting with it two years ago.

Simply not being transphobic, not being racist, not being a fascist and not being sexist etc isn’t enough for people to feel safe, and isn’t enough to keep people with those harmful ideals away from you - you have to be actively AGAINST these things and talk about it and show it to people in order for it to matter. Silence is a violence too, now more than ever.

Sorry that this post is so long, I hope I’m making any sense at all with this. So yeah, uh, tradfems can fuck off my blog.

#talks #am i making sense at all?#it is a hard subject to make into sense when your language stops you from expressing yourself

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imshatteredbutnotbroken · 4 years ago

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The wonderful world of Desiree Nguyen: A character analysis

This is a season three, episode 14-18 character analysis of everyone’s favourite MacGyver protector, Desiree “Desi” Nguyen. (Or, A.K.A, my attempt at sounding much more intelligent than I am.) If people want to read more, I’ll cover the rest of the seasons.

Now, I won’t always sound unbiased in my feelings towards Desiree, but I am going to really try my best to be. And, like I said, I am attempting to sound much more intelligent than I am, so if I miss anything or sound incredibly stupid, feel free to correct me.

There are spoilers, so if you haven’t seen season three, I recommend skipping this analysis.

It’s important to note that this is not a commentary on Levy Tran herself, and that it’s only about her character (EXTREME EMPHASIS ON CHARACTER).

There is also a Tl;dr at the end of each episode summary starting from episode 15.

Let’s begin.

Desiree (hereby known as Desi) was first mentioned by (actual) fan favourite, Jack Dalton, in season 3 episode 14, Father+ Bride + Betrayal. He first mentioned her in a conversation with Mac during the wedding:

Jack: “Matty let me handpick my replacement to watch your back. I think you’re really gonna like her. Or, kill her. One of the two.”

Mac: “That’s oddly specific. Should I be worried?”

Jack: “No, man. You’ll meet her soon enough. And, trust me, there’s nobody I’d trust more than this woman to watch your back. She is really good. Well, other than me, obviously.”

Now, there’s not much to go on, but we do get some hints. She’s tough, she’s a badass, and Jack likes and trusts her. So, Desi’s initial set up isn’t so bad. We love Jack, and if Desi comes at Jack’s recommendation, we know she can be trusted to watch everyone’s backs. Like I said, we’re off to a good start.

It’s also important to note: Jack specifically says “there’s nobody I’d trust more than this woman to watch your back.” Does this really happen only a season later? Honestly? It’s debatable. But, we’ll get there when we get there.

Season three, episode 15: K9 + Smugglers + New Recruit

Desi is initially introduced — through Mac — as advertised: a tough badass who will take her job as the team’s protector seriously. While she admits to Mac that she will hate her job as their bodyguard, she is doing it because she owes Jack. What she owes him exactly, we’re still not sure. It could be anything from repaying Jack for a chocolate bar to repaying a debt to him after Jack saved someone’s life. Who the hell knows?

In the war room, at her second meeting with Mac, Riley, Bozer, Leanna (remember her?! Why couldn’t you leave well enough alone, T.V. show?!), and Matty, Desi reemphasizes that their safety is her top priority. Like I said, Desi (in her initial intro) is a tough badass who takes her job seriously.

On the mission, Cody, (our story of the week’s gun sniffing dog) immediately finds two guns on Desi’s person. She really is like Jack in that respect! But, we soon find out she doesn’t like them (she’s really not like Jack that way!), telling Mac she only carries it because she has to, will only pull a gun when necessary, and that she’d “rather put bad guys in an interrogation room than the morgue.” Another special exception that allows her to pull a gun is against “anyone who hurts animals.”

While Mac and Riley notice Desi isn’t the warmest, Riley acknowledges that Desi is well-accomplished. She was one of the first women to graduate from Ranger school, was part of a special ops team made up of SAS, Delta, and the CIA, and, apparently, “has more awards than Michael Phelps.” So, Desi is no slouch. She also impresses everyone even more when she parkours up several shipping containers to get a better view for the op they’re on. Desi proves herself again during a fight scene by single-handedly taking out several guys with guns (and gets shot in the process, her bulletproof vest stopping every bullet). Let’s add bravery to the list of qualities Desi has shown in just over 10 minutes.

Later, she talks to Riley, who emphasizes their group’s need for Desi to be reliable (and this is interesting because Desi’s reliability is questioned in episode 21 this season). Riley found out Desi went AWOL while she was in Afghanistan, and Riley wants to know why. As Desi explains, one of the Afghani civilians she was working with was kidnapped, and she went to find him. Which Desi successfully did. As she tells the story, Desi becomes emotional, showing that she does have a heart and a vulnerable side, and you can tell she is speaking sincerely. Desi is also adamant that she would to do it again. This is an interesting contrast to her behaviour during the Codex storyline, but we’ll get there.

Desi doesn’t much like Mac’s fly by the seat of his pants behaviour because she was trained to always have plan and she can’t work spontaneously. We also learn Desi is knowledgeable about some sort of technology having to with RFID chips that I can’t personally understand, and that she went to the University of Michigan.

At the end of the episode, Desi makes an appearance at Mac’s house, saying Jack made her promise to go. She leaves as quickly as came though, not wanting to get too close to everyone…in case she has to bury them. Which, I understand, but morbid, jeez. It’s also kind of odd when you think about it because Desi is the group’s protector and is responsible for their safety. But, on the other hand, she can’t fix every situation, and there may be a time when one of them gets killed on a mission. So, while I understand Desi’s hesitation, I am not entirely a fan of it. And, this behaviour is even odder considering Desi goes on to date Mac at the end of the season. I guess Mac really did break down her walls (and that’s something I didn’t notice until writing this).

Overall, we’ve learned a lot about Desi. She’s tough, yet cold, smart, athletic, reliable (supposedly), likes a plan, and hates guns and animal abusers. Seeing her introduced this way (and introduced well) is interesting because I know future storylines and have seen how much Desi has changed as a character. She was always somewhat cold, but she initially had an adamance, confidence, and determination to do what is right. Knowing how the Codex storyline in particular goes down, the way Desi changes is interesting, to say the least.

Tl;dr: As Desi is introduced, the audience learns that she takes her job as the team’s bodyguard seriously, and owes Jack for some (still unknown) reason, and that’s really why Desi is there. We also learn she hates guns and animal abusers, is brave, athletic, reliable (supposedly), and well-accomplished. She also doesn’t want to get too close to the rest of the team in case she has to bury them, so she leaves the Phoenix’s group hangout session as quickly as she joined.

Season three, episode 16: Lidar + Rogues + Duty

At the beginning of this episode, Desi is ‘familiarizing’ herself with the lab and ‘helping’ Bozer with Sparky (really, she’s flipping through a magazine and complaining about the music Bozer is playing while he works). She says she’s lending moral support, though, so, whatever works, I guess. Anyway, Bozer asks for her help with running diagnostic tests on Sparky, and Desi agrees. But, her help is a riddle that sends the robot on an endless loop for the rest of the episode. I do like her shit disturber behaviour, though, so I’ll give Desi that.

For the main operation, Desi and Mac are on a recovery mission in Azerbaijan to bring back one of Mac’s friend’s bodies. His friend, Robert Reese, was on a covert flying mission when his plane crashed, and Mac and Desi are the only ones who can get the body.

While looking for the wreckage, Desi notices that Mac is distracted. She asks him what’s going on, and he explains why he’s distracted. And, knowing that Mac feels responsible for what happened to Reese, Desi asks Mac to tell her about his friend. After Mac does, she gets angry with him and tells Mac to compartmentalize, seemingly a turn around from being caring like she was in the previous episode. But, I understand where she’s coming from because Desi and Mac have to stay focused, or else, like she says, “Matty will be sending a team to recover us.” Fair, because if Mac lets his emotions get the best of him — while he and Desi are in a country they’re not supposed to be in — he could get into a situation he can’t get out of.

Later, we learn that Desi speaks Turkish (what can’t this girl do?!) as some of the Azerbaijani military arrive at the wreckage site. After escaping and driving away, Desi notices a parachute in the trees, indicating it’s possible Reese isn’t dead. Mac is hopeful that his friend is alive, while Desi is more logical, saying, “there are a lot of reasons why the Azerbaijani military would grab a dead U.S. pilot.” They spot footprints of U.S. Army issued boots, so their mission goes from recovery to search and rescue.

Mac and Desi are led to a small town after hearing about sightings of an injured man wearing a flight suit. There, they figure out which building Reese is hiding in. Mac and Desi find him alive but with a broken clavicle. And, while Mac provides Reese with first aid, Desi becomes all business. But, in her defence, they’re in danger, so it’s not weird Desi reacts this way.

After escaping and another mission change (this time to stopping rogue CIA agents and recovering chemical weapons), Mac improvises a plan that goes awry and has Desi and Reese held at gunpoint by the agents. Desi has to stall while Mac tries to save them and, as she talks, she uses the info Mac told her about Reese, proving Desi listened to Mac. So, while we thought Desi was being callous, she actually showed that she sincerely cared about what Mac had to say.

Later, Desi meets with Bozer to make up for sending Sparky into an endless loop. Maybe she truly feels bad, or maybe she’s doing it selfishly because she’s new. Either way, it’s hard to tell because we’re not in Desi’s head. But, I’ll give it to her because I really think Desi knows she messed up and she wants to fix it. She tells Bozer the answer to the riddle and Sparky is able to break the loop.

We are still learning about Desi, but we get so much info in the small details. My favourite part about her this episode was her shit disturbing. We also learn she speaks Turkish, prefers to be all business when she’s on a mission, and pays attention to what’s going on around her. Desi is actually quite deep in this season, and she shows that she cares about people and robots alike.

Tl;dr: At the beginning of the episode, Desi is ‘helping’ Bozer while he works on Sparky the robot. She sends Sparky on an endless loop after telling him a riddle he can’t figure out, annoying Bozer.

Desi and Mac have the main operation, which was initially a body recovery mission for one of Mac’s friends, Robert Reese. She gets Mac to open up about Reese, and then immediately tells him to compartmentalize so they can get through the mission alive.

They find Reese alive, and their mission changes to stopping rogue CIA agents and recovering chemical weapons. At the chemical weapons site, Desi and Reese are held up at gunpoint by the agents, and Desi is forced to stall while Mac saves them. She uses the story Mac told her about Reese earlier in the episode, proving she paid attention to what Mac said.

At the end of the episode, Desi goes to Bozer to help fix Sparky. She tells him the answer to the riddle, getting Sparky out of his loop, and showing Desi cares about those around her.

Season three, episode 17: Seeds + Permafrost + Feather

This episode opens with Mac and Desi in bed together. But, it’s not what you think. It’s for a mission and part of Mac’s plan to escape from the people chasing them. Desi is annoyed by the plan (because she had to get undressed) and she argues with Mac. He tries to convince her it was their best option — until the bad guys return and hold Desi and Mac up at gunpoint. I can see why she would be annoyed with Mac, but is fighting during a mission necessary? Somehow, they escape, and we can move on.

Mac, Riley, and Desi have to travel to the international seed vault in Greenland because an employee is missing. Since Mac’s dad, James (also known as Oversight), was involved in the vault’s development and planning, he’s the person to call when something goes wrong. But, James has other business, so the mission falls to Mac, Riley, and Desi.

In the vault, thanks to a comment Desi made about the employee disappearing into the mountain (causing Mac to do his Mac thing), the trio discovers an access tunnel someone dug to get into the (extremely secure) vault. And, whoever dug that tunnel killed Karl, the missing employee, in the process. There is also a possibility of seeds being stolen.

So, Mac, Riley, and Desi use Karl’s cell phone, which he had on him, to figure out the path he took and identify which seeds may have been stolen. Mac and Desi, who plays the murderer, recreate the fight, and they’re having a ball doing it. They fight, and Desi gives Mac all she’s got. She’s not subtle or gentle, but she gets the job done. Soon, they figure out which box (one of North Korea’s) the thief rifled through, and which seeds were taken (a rare form of a pea plant).

Desi explores the access tunnel and finds a room that is scattered in schematics, seed reports, and drilling equipment. From there, Mac figures out that the pea seeds are an ingredient in making a toxin, and that the seeds can be weaponized and used to create as much of the toxin as desired. Riley discovers their thief has been making monthly payments to a flower shop in Brussels, so a plane ride it is for Mac, Riley, and Desi.

On the plane, Mac calls Bozer so Mac can find out what’s going on with James. But, after hanging up, Mac slams his phone down and Desi comments on his annoyance and asks Mac about it. He says it’s the mission, but Desi isn’t buying it. When Riley mentions it’s about Mac’s dad, Desi says that Oversight seemed distracted. And, while she admits it’s not her business to know what’s going with Mac’s dad, Desi tells Mac it is his business.

The three of them go on a chase that takes them from a cemetery in Brussels to a park in the Czech Republic. The man they are running after, named Jules, wants revenge on a crime boss named Passer for killing Jules’ wife and child after Jules testified in court. At the park, Riley and Desi fight Passer’s men while Mac starts to talk Jules (who is holding Passer up at gunpoint) down. Eventually, Jules relents, and he is arrested. Mac, Riley, and Desi recover the stolen seeds and avoid an international incident with North Korea.

Desi has more of a background role in this episode because the episode focuses on Mac and his dad. But, her fighting skills, knowledge (she helped explain the seed vault to Riley and the audience), and empathy shine through. This is particularly true when she encourages Mac to figure out what is going on with his dad. This side of Desi is nice to see because while she’s tough, she is sincere in her efforts to help others.

Tl;dr: Desi is in the background this episode, but, she displays her intelligence, empathy, and fighting skills. She also encourages Mac to figure out what is going on with his dad, saying that it’s not her business to know what is going on with her boss, but it is Mac’s.

Season three, episode 18: Murdoc + Helman + Hit

This episode opens with Nicolas Helman’s return. And he gets to work immediately by murdering an FBI interrogator in a karaoke bar. How this happened, Mac, Riley, Matty, Bozer, and Oversight aren’t sure because the last time they saw him, Helman was dead — or, so they thought — because Matty had his coffin exhumed and it was empty. Since the Phoenix is responsible for Helman, they have to figure out his next move so they can capture him.

Mac, Bozer, and Desi are with Oversight this episode. Their mission? To speak with our favourite psychopath Murdoc who is still at the Phoenix Black Site. Desi gets the Helman story explained to her, but it doesn’t seem like she entirely believes how serious dealing with Murdoc is because she asks Mac, “What kind of monster are you keeping down here? Indominus Rex? King Kong? That kid from The Omen? These questions also reveal another detail about Desi that could easily be overlooked: She likes horror and monster movies. Anyway, upon meeting Murdoc, Desi seems to get it because she has a face similar to McKayla Maroney’s unimpressed face plastered on (and, really, who can blame her?). But, Mac, Bozer, Desi, and Oversight need Murdoc’s help, so they press on.

There’s a quick scene with Bozer and Desi observing Mac and Oversight questioning Murdoc. Desi acknowledges they weren’t kidding about Murdoc and notes that James is just as much of an enigma because he’s still exerting himself, despite the toll doing so takes. Bozer thinks Desi is talking about the effects having cancer has on Oversight himself, but Desi immediately corrects Bozer and says “I meant on Mac.” So, again, there’s that compassion for others Desi has displayed since her introduction.

After getting more information from Murdoc about Helman’s possible whereabouts (because Helman has killed again), Mac, Desi, and Oversight jump into action to find Helman. They, and a Phoenix tac team, storm an apartment building with Desi leading the way with a gun. They leave Bozer behind with Murdoc (which, rude). Anyway, the team starts going up to the apartment, but before they can really make their way, James starts having trouble physically. Mac, worried about his father, tells him he doesn’t need to go upstairs, but Oversight insists. Desi encourages Mac to be open and honest with his dad, but Mac says Oversight is fine. Desi tells Mac not saying anything to his father shouldn’t be an emotional decision because lives hang in the balance. She also says she’s worried about Mac, and tells him to not get distracted. This attitude harkens back to episode 16 when Desi was worried about Mac’s emotions getting in the way of their mission. So, I understand where she’s coming from and why she’s concerned.

Skipping ahead, Mac, Desi, and James go on a road trip because Riley and Matty discovered Helman had the transportation route for an FBI transport truck moving someone who is supposed to testify in a trial against his former employees. While waiting for the FBI truck, they see another (unknown) vehicle approaching. Concerned it may be Helman and that it could have explosives in it, Mac, Desi, and Oversight have to stop the vehicle. James tries to take matters into his own hands by borrowing a tac team member’s rife, but he’s having trouble steadying himself, and Desi notices. Oversight is eventually able to get his bearings and shoots out the van’s tires. While they stop the vehicle, it turns out to be a distraction so Helman could get into the Phoenix Black Site. Desi figures out that the FBI murders and attack on the transport truck were all a ruse so Helman could kill Murdoc.

Later, they realize Murdoc’s entire plan was a jailbreak so Mac and Oversight go on a car chase to capture Murdoc while Desi flies in a helicopter overhead (side note, I’m not really sure why Desi is there because it doesn’t seem like she needs to be. She doesn’t do anything in this scene other than fly overhead and worry about Mac). James and Mac do their thing and figure out a way to stop Murdoc’s truck. But, with Desi’s words in the back of his mind (probably), Mac tells his dad he shouldn’t be the one to stop the truck. Oversight agrees, and Mac does his thing. You can see as he tries to overtake the truck, everyone (including Desi) is concerned. Eventually succeeding in stopping and capturing Murdoc, there’s a shot shown of Desi’s relief.

At the end of the episode, Desi says she suggested security upgrades for the black site so no one can escape or attack the site again. This reflects her security knowledge because the Phoenix trusted her enough to give her the task. Again, Desi isn’t so useless and demonstrates her intelligence.

Throughout the episode, Desi shows she cares about other people, especially since she’s worried about the effect Oversight’s need to keep going has on Mac. She also encourages Mac to be honest with his father. And this is a thread that is shown throughout these episodes. Which leads to the following questions: What happened to that particular characteristic? Where did Desi’s empathy and compassion go?

Tl;dr: Desi’s character development takes somewhat of a backseat this episode because it mostly focuses on Mac and Oversight (again). Still, throughout their mission, Desi encourages Mac to be open and honest with his father and tell Oversight his concerns. This, again, demonstrates her empathy and her concerns for others. Mac is eventually able (probably with Desi’s words in the back of his mind) to be honest with Oversight and take over in order to do the physical labour required on the mission.

Lastly, Desi suggests security upgrades for the Phoenix Black Site that held Murdoc so that no one can break in or out again. This demonstrates her intelligence, and leads to the following question: What happened to her intelligence and compassion and empathy for others?

We learn so much about Desi in just four episodes. From her bravery and boldness, to enjoyment of monster and horror movies, she isn’t so one-note. The biggest thread is her compassion and concern for others. She wants to help people and ensure they’re safe, and Desi is adamant and determined about it. She continually displays this characteristic, especially when it comes to Mac and ensuring his feelings don’t get the best of him while they’re on a mission.

During season three, Desi is written well! She’s introduced to us based on the trust a fan favourite has with the audience and she never deviates from that. She also displays many characteristics that actually make her interesting. She’s smart, athletic, brave, and bold. So, I have to ask (again): WHAT HAPPENED?! Where did go so wrong and why?

If you want more of my character analysis, let me know! I procrastinated way too long on this, so if it seems like episode 18 is disjointed from the rest, I apologize. I had fun with this, and I feel like I like and understand Desi a little more (at least for season three).

#Macgyver #Desi Nguyen #Desiree Nguyen #Character analysis #I got really bored. Can you tell?

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shiredded · 5 years ago

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A white animation student’s take on Soul and POC cartoons

This got long but there’s lots of pretty pictures to go with it.

Hi, I’m Shire and I’m as white as a ripped-off Pegasus prancing on a stolen van. Feel free to add to my post, especially if you are poc. The next generation of animators needs your voice now more than ever.

My opinion doesn’t matter as much here because I’m not part of the people being represented.

But I am part of the people to whom this film is marketed, and as the market, I think I should be Very Aware of what media does to me.

And as the future of animation, I need to do something with what I know.

I am very white. I have blue eyes and long blond hair. I’ve seen countless protagonists, love interests, moms, and daughters that look like me. If I saw an animated character that looks like me turn into a creature for the majority of a movie, I would cheer. Bring it on! I have plenty of other representation that tells me I’m great just the way I am, and I don’t need to change to be likable.

The moment Soul’s premise was released, many people of color expressed mistrust and disappointment on social media. Let me catch you up on the plot according to the new (march 2020) trailer. (It’s one of those dumb modern trailers that tells you the entire plot of the movie including the climax; so I recommend only watching half of it)

Our protagonist, Joe Gardner, has a rich (not in the monetary sense) and beautiful life. He has dreams! He wants to join a jazz band! So far his life looks, to me, comforting, amazing, heartfelt, and real. I’m excited to learn about his family and his music.

Some Whoknowswhat happens, and he enters a dimension where everyone, himself included, is represented by glowing, blue, vaguely humanoid creatures. They’re adorable! But they sure as heck aren’t brown. The most common response seems to be dread at the idea of the brown human protagonist spending the majority of his screen time as a not-brown, not-human creature.

The latest trailer definitely makes that look pretty darn true. He does spend most of the narrative - chronologically - as a blob.

but

That isn’t the same as his screen time.

From the look of the trailer, Joe and his not-yet-born-but-already-tired-of-life soul companion tour Joe’s story in all of its brown-skinned, human-shaped, life-loving glory. The movie is about life, not about magic beans that sing and dance about burping (though I won’t be surprised if that happens too.)

Basically! My conclusion is “it’s not as bad as it looked at first, and it looks like a wonderful story.”

but

That doesn’t mean it’s ok.

Yes, Soul is probably going to be a really important and heartfelt story about life, the goods, the bads, the dreams, and the bonds. That story uses a fun medium to view that life; using bright, candy-bowl colors and a made-up world to draw kids in with their parents trailing behind.

It’s a great story and there’s no reason to not create a black man for the lead role. There’s no reason not to give this story to people of color. It’s not a white story. This is great!

Except...

we’ve kind of

done this

a lot

The Book of Life and Coco also trade in their brown-skinned cast for a no-skinned cast, but I don’t know enough about Mexican culture to say those are bad and I haven't picked up on much pushback to those. There’s more nuance there, I think.

I cut the above pics together to show how the entire ensemble changes along with the protagonist. We can lose entire casts of poc. Emperor's New Groove keeps its cast as mostly human so at least we have Pacha

And while the animals they interact with might be poc-coded, there’s nothing very special or affirming about “animals of color.”

So, Soul.

Are we looking at the same thing here?

It’s no secret by now that this is an emerging pattern in animation. But not all poc-starring animated films have this same problem. We have Moana! With deuteragonists (basically co-protagonists) of color, heck yeah.

Aladdin... Pocahontas... The respect those films have for their depicted culture is... an essay for another time. Mulan fits here too. the titular characters’ costars are either white, or blue, and/or straight up animals. But hey, they don’t turn into animals, and neither do the supporting cast/love interests.

Dreamworks’ Home (2015) is also worth mentioning as a poc-led film where the deuteragonist is kind of a purple blob. But the thing I like a lot about Home is that it’s A Nice Story, where there’s no reason for the protagonist to not be poc, so she is poc. Spiderverse has a black lead with a white (or masked, or animal) supporting cast. But, spiderverse also has Miles’ dad, mom, uncle, and Penny Parker.

I’d like to see more of that.

And less of this

if you’re still having trouble seeing why this is a big deal, let’s try a little what-if scenario.

This goes out to my fellow white girls (including LGBTA white girls, we are not immune to propaganda racism)

imagine for a second you live in a world where animation is dominated to the point of almost total saturation by protagonist after protagonist who are boys/men. You do get the occasional woman-led film, but maybe pretend that 30 to 40 percent of those films are like

(We’re pretending for a second that Queen Eleanor was the protagonist, because I couldn’t think of any animated movies where the white lady protagonist turns into and stays an animal for the majority of the film)

Or, white boys and men, how would you feel if your most popular and marketable representation was this?

Speaking of gender representation, binary trans and especially nonbinary trans people are hard pressed to find representation of who they are without the added twist of Lizard tails or horns and the hand-waving explanation of “this species doesn’t do gender” But again, that’s a different essay.

Let’s look at what we do have. In reality, we (white people) have so much representation that having a fun twist where we spend most of the movie seeing that person in glimpses between colorful, glittering felt characters that reflect our inner selves is ok.

Wait, that aesthetic sounds kind of familiar...

But I digress. Inside Out was a successful and honestly helpful and important movie. I have no doubt in my mind that Soul will meet and surpass it in quality and and in message.

There is nothing wrong with turning your protagonist of color into an animal or blob for most of their own movie.

But it’s part of a larger pattern, and that pattern tells people of color that their skin would be more fun if it was blue, or hairy, or slimy, or something. It’s fine to have films like that because heck yeah it would be fun to be a llama. But it’s also fun to not be a llama. It’s fun to be a human. It’s fun to be yourself. I don’t think children of color are told that enough.

At least, not by mainstream studios. (The Breadwinner, produced by Cartoon Saloon)

It’s not like all these mainstream poc movies are the result of racist white producers who want us to equate people of color with animals. In fact, most of those movies these days have people of color very high up, as directors, writers, or at the very least, a pool of consultants of color.

These movies aren’t evil. They aren’t even that intrinsically racist (Pocahontas can go take a hike and rethink its life, but we knew that.) It’s that we need more than just the shape-shifting narratives of our non-white protagonists.

It’s not like there isn’t an enormous pool of ideas, talent, visions and scripts already written and waiting to be produced. There is.

But they somehow don’t make it past the head executives, way above any creative team, who make the decisions, aiming not for top-of-the-line stories, but for the Bottom line of sales.

When Disney acquired Pixar, their main takeover was in the merchandising department. The main target for their merchandise are, honestly, white children.

So is it much of a surprise

that they are more often greenlighting things palatable for as many “discerning” mothers as possible?

I saw just as many Tiana dolls as frog toys on the front page of google, so don’t worry too much about The Princess And The Frog. Kids love her. But I didn’t find any human figures of Kenai from Brother Bear, except for dolls wearing a bear suit.

So. What do I think of Soul?

I think it’s going to be beautiful. I think it’s going to be a great movie.

But I also think people of color deserve more.

Let’s take one more look at the top people who went into making this movie.

Of the six people listed here, five are white. Kemp Powers, one of the screenplay writers, is black.

It’s cool to see women reaching power within the animation industry, but this post isn’t about us.

We need to replace the top execs and get more projects greenlit that send the message that african, asian, latinix, middle eastern, and every other non-white ethnicity is perfect and relatable as the humans they were meant to be.

Disney is big enough that they can - and therefore should - take risks and produce movies that aren’t as “marketable” simply because art needs to be made. People need to be loved.

Come on, millennials and Gen Z. We can do better.

We Will do better.

TLDR: A lot of mainstream animation turns its protagonists of color into animals or other creatures. I (white) don’t think that’s a bad thing, except for the fact that we don’t get enough poc movies that AREN’T weird. Support Soul; it’s not going to be as bad as you think. It’s probably gonna be really good. Let’s make more good movies about people of color that stay PEOPLE of color.

#soul #pixar #disney #poc #animation #long post #shire screams

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kissjane · 4 years ago

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BACK TOGETHER / (Not so short) Fic

#24 from this prompt list.

Here @yadomik, a small forehead kiss just for you. 🐹

[CW - There is some dealing with being trans, coming out as trans, and body dysphoria, but it’s mostly fluffy, I think. Disclaimer, I’m not trans - but from the trans people in my environment I know the experience is different for anybody. Please let me know if you have any remarks.]

You’re my ex but I think I still have feelings for you

“I don’t know why you don’t just admit you’re still totally besotted with him, little brother,” Laura says conspiratorially.

David startles and tears his gaze away from Matteo, who is horsing around with the ok.cool squad across the room. Matteo seems happy, and David has been drinking in his laugh, the sparks in his beautiful blue eyes. It’s been a while since he experienced them, and he needs them to survive. He shrugs at Laura, taking a sip of his mate, and risks another glance at Matteo.

Shit. Matteo is looking him straight in the eye, and all the joy has left his features. They stare at each other for a heartbeat, unblinking, until Jonas shoves Matteo roughly in the shoulder, and Matteo plasters a smile on his face as he addresses Jonas.

David knows there’s only one person to blame for Matteo’s sadness. For a few blissful weeks, Matteo’s laughter had been abundant, carefree. David had been accepted into the group of boys without any issue – Matteo had introduced him as his boyfriend, and Jonas had made space on the bench for David, and that had been it. They’d been to the park a few times, they’d played video games, they’d gone to a party – and everything had been perfect.

And then David had broken up with Matteo, without explanation. He’d been too much of a coward to even do it in person. He’d sent Matteo a text message, saying it all went too fast, that he’d made a mistake, that he didn’t want anything from Matteo. And when Matteo had come over to his and Laura’s flat, trying to talk to David, he had made Laura send Matteo away.

“What good would that do me?”, he bitterly replies to Laura’s question. Because of course it is true. He still is completely head over heels for Matteo. Nothing has changed in that regard. Unfortunately, nothing else has changed either. David is still trans, and if he wants to be with Matteo, he’d have to come out.

Laura shakes her head incredulously.

“Sometimes I wonder if you were switched at birth, really. No brother of mine can be this dense.”

“What?”, David murmurs morosely. He was switched at birth, yeah. He should have gotten a male body from the start.

Laura smacks him in the arm, rather too hard if you ask David, and he yelps and rubs over the sore spot.

“You’re an idiot!”, Laura yells. “You love him, he loves you, what’s the fucking problem? Just tell him already. I have a feeling he won’t give a shit about it, and if he does, he’s not worth your time and your moping. But he’ll just be glad to have you back, believe me.”

David wishes he could have Laura’s confidence in his ex-boyfriend.

“He’s gay, Laura.”

“Oh my god,” Laura bursts out, smacking him again. “You’re even more stupid than I thought. Yeah, idiot, he’s gay. And you are a guy. I fail to see the problem.”

“You don’t understand. We were all a bit drunk one day, and Carlos was saying something about whatever he and Kiki do in their bedroom, and Matteo said he doesn’t see how anybody could be turned on by female body parts. Well, newsflash, Laura, but I have female body parts too!”

“Oh, David…” Laura stops the smacking, and instead pulls him in for a hug. “Okay, maybe that was a bit insensitive of him, but how was he supposed to know it would affect you? He may change his opinion when it’s about you. It’s like how some people say redheads are not their type until they fall for one anyway. That time I walked in on the both of you on the couch, I wouldn’t have said he wasn’t turned on by you, little brother…”

She lowers her voice and wiggles her eyebrows at the end of her sentence, and David blushes. He knows exactly what time Laura is referring to, and she is right, too. He and Matteo had been making out on the couch, and they had definitely both been into it. David had felt Matteo getting hard against his leg, his hips bucking almost involuntarily, and he had gotten wet in return. In hindsight, it had probably been a good thing that Laura had walked in on them, as awkward as it had been – otherwise Matteo might have been confronted with female body parts without any warning whatsoever.

He sighs.

He turns his eyes towards Matteo again. He can’t help it. Matteo is a flame and he is just the poor moth flying towards impending doom.

“Okay,” he says, with a finality he doesn’t feel. “Okay. I’ll tell him.”

“Good,” Laura says. ‘I’ll call him over, shall I?”

“Wait, what? No!”

He stops her just before she can lift her arm. She raises her eyebrows.

“Not now! I need to think about it! And not here, jesus…”

“Yes here, David, yes now. Just do it. Get it over with. There’s no point in beating yourself up over it any longer.”

And so David walks over to the boys, unsure of what to say, if Matteo will even want to hear him out.

Abdi notices him first, and he gestures to Jonas. The two of them come to stand in front of Matteo, shielding him from David’s reach.

“Hello, Schreibner,” Abdi says. It doesn’t even sound angry, in clear opposition to the look on Jonas’ face.

This isn’t gonna go easy. David almost gives up, but Laura is gesturing for him to go for it from the bar.

“Hello, Abdi, Jonas,” he therefore mumbles.

“How are you doing?”, Abdi asks, again very calmly, but not moving an inch, still keeping Matteo out of sight.

David has no interest in games.

“I would like to talk to Matteo,” he replies, trying to sound just as calm as Abdi. Abdi sighs and looks over his shoulder at Matteo, but Jonas is not as easily convinced.

“Luigi doesn’t want to talk to you. Leave him alone.”

He looks like he will not shy away from decking David one if he comes closer to Matteo, but he seems to have forgotten Matteo doesn’t like to make a scene. He steps around Jonas and stares at David.

“What is it?”, Matteo asks, softly as always, his voice neutral. David wants to reach out, swipe the blonde mane out of Matteo’s eyes. They seem so dull, and it aches David. He puts his trembling hands in his pockets before he can act on it.

“Can we go somewhere else?”

He pleads Matteo with his eyes, and Matteo wavers, but again Jonas intervenes.

“Say what you wanted to say, Schreibner, or leave.”

David stares at Matteo. He has no idea how to do this. The other boys are standing behind Matteo, silently, but listening. So much for privacy.

He can’t do it. He can’t come out like this, with a hostile Jonas, a subdued Matteo, and Carlos and Abdi ready to whisk Matteo away at the first sign of distress.

He hesitates.

Apparently, he waits too long, because Matteo sighs. His eyes become ever duller as he turns away.

“Bye, David,” he says, and it sounds like a farewell forever.

And that is just not possible. David thought he couldn’t talk in front of the boys, in a crowded pub, but he can. He can do everything if the alternative is losing Matteo.

“Matteo, wait!”

He puts his hand on Matteo’s arm in a reflex, tries to stop him from leaving. Matteo turns slowly, looking at where David’s hand is touching his skin.

David still hasn’t thought about how he wants to say it, but he doesn’t care anymore. All he cares about is Matteo.

“I have female parts.”

Silence hangs low and heavy, and it takes an eternity for Matteo to utter an undignified “Huh?”.

“You said girl’s parts are gross… that they don’t turn you on… and I panicked. Because I have them. I’m trans.”

It seems like Matteo stopped breathing. It seems like nothing moves, even though people are shuffling by them to get a drink, and the dance floor is exploding just behind them, and a couple is making out against the wall, less than two meters away. David doesn’t hear the music, doesn’t feel the drums vibrating through his body. He is unaware of everything, even his own breathing has become blurred somehow. All his senses are focused on Matteo.

“Okay.”

Everything comes rushing back in a nanosecond, the music, somebody pushing in David’s back to pass, the stickiness of the floor where David is shuffling his feet, the heat in the small venue.

Matteo is standing still, and David is unsure he understands.

“Okay? But you – I mean, I – you said… Do you understand? I have… I’m wearing a binder right now, and…” He makes a clumsy gesture to his groin. “I don’t look like you.”

“Okay,” Matteo says again, and David is still thinking something is not clicking for Matteo.

“But you said women don’t turn you on…”

“But you do,” Matteo interrupts.

David shuts up, unsure what to say or do.

“And you’re not a woman,” Matteo adds.

“But I –”

“Is this why you broke up?”, Matteo cuts him off once more, suddenly seemingly uncertain.

“Yes… I didn’t know how to tell you. I thought you wouldn’t want me anymore. I was afraid you’d think I had led you on.”

Matteo nods, and it looks like he wants to say something, but he closes his mouth again. David doesn’t know what to do now. Maybe Matteo has moved on, maybe Matteo is in love with somebody else now. It makes sense. Why would Matteo wait for somebody who broke up with him over text message?

“So are you saying you still want to be with Matteo?”, Carlos’ voice drifts through the haze.

David nods, his head hung low.

“I get it if I’m too late. But I love you, Matteo. I always did and I think I always will. Please, can you give me just one more chance?”

He closes his eyes, afraid of the answer. What if Matteo says no?

Then he feels two hands on his cheeks, and somebody gently lifts his head. He refuses to open his eyes though, pressing them close harder to keep the tears that are amassing from spilling. And then – then Matteo kisses him softly on the forehead, on his eyelids, his cheeks. David opens his eyes, letting the tears spill. Matteo’s eyes are wet too, and he leans in. David answers, and then they are kissing again, like all those times before, and yet so thrilling and new. There are no more secrets between them now, and David smiles into the kiss, feeling home and safe for the first time in months.

The boys cheer, and they let go of each other for a second, to smile back at them.

“If you ever as much as think about hurting Luigi again, David, I swear to God…”, Jonas says, but he has a smile on his face. And it doesn’t matter anyway, because David doesn’t plan on causing Matteo any pain whatsoever ever again, for the rest of their lives.

From across the pub, he sees Laura take a satisfied sip of her wine, thumbs up at David, and he blushes, hiding his face against Matteo. Yeah, he is still totally besotted with Matteo. He’s not ashamed to admit it. Who could blame him for that, anyway.

#I write things #Davenzi #50 cliché prompts #🐹

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