#cocaineskarsgardposting | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

cocaineskarsgard · 10 days ago

Text

is it casual now?

p.1: crawling back to you

word count: 3.5k

summary: roman is having a party, and peter shows up, uninvited. roman doesn’t seem to care. peter has to confess his feelings, roman is in denial of his own.

fic under the cut

peter knows he shouldn’t be here right now. outside roman’s house in the pouring rain, the shadows of people dancing to the music inside. he grabs the handle, pushing the door open, the music deafening now.

just find roman.

peter gently pushes through the groups of people towards the kitchen table. stopping by the cooler full of beer, grabbing one and popping the top off. finding a seat and tucking himself into it, watching the small crowd. couples dancing, some people finding their way upstairs to the spare bedrooms, some people not even bothering to find bedrooms.

and he waited.

to peter, it felt like time slowed and the music kept replaying the same exact song. it was beginning to overwhelm him, his chest felt like it was full of rocks and his head began to scream

‘get out get out get out’

he shouldn’t be here, he shouldn’t be desperately searching for roman through the faces. he shouldn’t be craving his touch, nothing would satiate his need. no one could, no matter who he tried to distract himself with. he would always find himself cumming to the thought of roman. peter swallows heavily and finishes his beer, getting up from his seat to find wherever the shots were being poured, pushing his way past a couple making out in the kitchen, by the sink, bottles of various whiskey, rum, vodka, and tequila sat. peter grabbed a fancy looking bottle of whiskey, screwing the top off and taking it back to his seat, and taking a long drink from it. his eyes scanning the room, back and forth, back and forth. until he sees roman. finally.

he took a few more drinks for confidence, before shrugging off his leather jacket, sitting it on his chair. making his way towards roman. pushing through the sweating, dancing, intoxicated crowd. peter finally reaches him, he looks up at him, roman’s green eyes meeting his.

“whiskey?”

is all peter can manage to get out, his hand subconsciously holding the bottle out to roman. roman smiles, and grabs the bottle, his fingers seeming to linger on peter’s for a moment too long to be just friendly. roman takes a long drink, and passes the bottle back to peter.

“thanks.” roman says, stepping a bit closer to peter.

words feel thick in peter’s throat, he swallows heavily, looking down at his own shoes. once again reminding himself, he shouldn’t be here. peter feels like he did the first time he experienced the change, his heart was pounding, and he was hot, his legs felt like jelly and his hands trembled. he could have began crying if he was drunker, his chest begins to tighten as his thoughts overwhelm him.

‘what am i doing here? this is so pointless. he wont even care..’

“come dance with me.”

peter looks up at roman, his cheeks hot and flushed red, and he can barely breathe. he nods and takes a breath, allowing roman to take the whiskey from his hand and pull him into the crowd.

everyone here knows roman, they all know that this isn’t normal for him.

peters hands slowly reach up to wrap around roman’s shoulders, one of roman’s hands holding peter’s waist. their bodies moving together to the music. roman turns peter around and grabs his waist, grinding against him softly. people giving the two of them disgusted glances every now and again.

roman doesn’t care that people can see him dancing with peter the way he was, he doesn’t care about his hands holding peter’s waist and pulling him closer, just for his lips to brush against peter’s neck.

“people are staring…” peter whispers.

“do you think i give a fuck?” roman growls, his grip tightening on peter’s waist.

“roman- please can we just go talk-“ peter sighs.

roman releases his grip on peter, rolling his eyes, taking his hand and pulling him upstairs to his bedroom, locking the door. the two boys sit on the bed, roman at the pillows, peter at the end, like they’ve always done. only this time, there’s a heaviness in the air.

“you wanna talk? about what?” roman asks, pulling a joint and a cigarette out from his pocket, putting both in his mouth, lighting them and hitting them at the same time. he takes the joint out and passes it to peter.

peter takes a drag.

“roman i-“ he pauses. roman’s eyes watching him intently.

“i don’t really know how else to say it other than, i can’t bring myself to enjoy fucking anyone, i can’t bring myself to enjoy being fucked because it’s not you. i swear i’ve spent more time jerking off to the thought of you than i ever have to the thought of any chick. i don’t know, i just have these feelings and it’s more than just sex, roman. it’s- god this is so fucking stupid i don’t even know why im saying this- i love you. and in more than a platonic way, i feel so much for you that i don’t even have the words to describe it. and i'm sorry that im just dropping this on you i can’t keep it to myself anymore, i just love you so fucking much i can’t think and i just sit there and smoke and think of you and dream of you and im so fucking hopeless, you’re my best friend and i’m sorry. and i know you’re not gay so i understand if you don’t want me around anymore, i get it. i’m sorry, roman. for everything. for trying to hurt you after i found out about what you did to destiny, i didn’t understand that it was an accident and i forgive you because my heart can’t take this separation anymore, i can’t handle the silence between us, you don’t call. you don’t text me. i’m ignored but i'm still so in love with you, if i didn’t love you even then, i wouldn’t have let you do what you did in the alleyway- i wouldn’t have let you drink from me. i love you so much roman that I'll supply you with blood for as long as i live just to be yours, my blood. please just tell me you love me, i need to be loved by you roman, please i lo-“

roman cuts him off by grabbing his shirt and pulling him in, kissing him roughly. peter hesitates for a moment before kissing back. roman pulls away, gently holding peter’s face. he takes a drag from his cigarette, before taking the joint from peter, and switching it with his cigarette.

“roman…”

“hm?”

“w-why did you do that?”

roman shrugs, and holds the joint out to peter. peter takes it and puts both the joint and the cigarette in the ashtray on the nightstand.

“what the fuck!?” roman gasps.

“roman why did you kiss me?”

“i wanted to i guess.”

“you guess? that’s not something that you’re unsure about..”

roman sighs.

“come here, peter.”

he slowly scoots himself closer to roman. roman gently placing his hand on peter’s thigh, giving a gentle squeeze.

“can i kiss you again?”

peters face gets hot, his throat feels dry and he can’t speak again. he nods. roman kisses him, gentle now, slow. he sits up to pull peter onto his lap. their lips and tongues tangled together sloppily as peter begins to grind against roman.

“mmm fuck that feels good..” roman groans, one of his hands palming at peter’s cock through his jeans, the other guiding peter’s hips.

peter can’t think straight, he knows he shouldn’t be doing this, he knows he’s only hurting himself. or maybe he’s not?

“please roman- i need you so bad.” peter whines, his cock straining against his jeans.

roman kisses down to his neck, licking and sucking. his own cock helplessly throbbing beneath his pants. he begins to mark one spot, just below peter’s ear, giving a gentle bite. roman drags his teeth gently along the bite mark scar from years ago, causing peter to moan.

that moan sent shivers down roman’s spine, and he wasted no time ripping their clothes off, kissing peter roughly while they undressed.

“can i suck your cock? please?” peter whines, his hand reaching down to stroke roman’s cock.

“you don’t need to ask to do that, mutt.”

mutt… it felt derogatory when he said it, but still, peter wouldn’t complain, he was exactly where he wanted to be.

peter smiles softly, opening his mouth and taking roman’s cock all the way into the back of his throat. roman reaches down and grabs onto peter’s ponytail, whimpering.

“god that’s fuckin deep-“ roman moans, his hands guiding peter’s head, slow and deep. peter just lets him use his throat like this, he’s a drooling mess, but roman looks so pretty. his eyes half lidded as he stares down at peter, his mouth slightly agape as soft moans trickle from his lips.

“good fuckin dog slut, drooling all over my cock.” roman moans. peter can’t help but grind his cock into the mattress, desperate for any sort of relief. moaning around roman’s cock, the vibrations from his vocal chords making roman’s hips buck, causing peter to gag.

roman pants as he pulls his cock out, gently holding peter’s face as he coughs.

“i’m sorry, baby. i didn’t mean to hurt your throat.” roman knelt down next to the bed, brushing peter’s hair out of his face, his hair having been messed up from roman’s grasp.

“it’s okay..” peter hums, leaning into roman’s touch. roman traces the bite scar on peter’s neck, humming softly.

“i haven’t tasted anything as sweet as your blood since the first time..” he grabs peter’s chin and tilts it, exposing his neck.

“really?” peter smiles.

“mhm. god it was basically like a drug to me, i hadn’t felt that high since i quit doing coke.” roman laughs softly. he turns peter onto his back, kneeling over him, roman leans in to kiss him gently.

“you want me, mutt?”

peter nods, his hand stroking roman’s cock. roman moans, kissing peter again, roughly this time. he trails down to peter’s neck, gently biting over the scar. peter whimpers, his cock twitching.

“fuck- please please please! god i need you so bad do whatever the fuck you want to me, i’m yours. i love you.” peter gasps as roman gently runs his fingers up and down peter’s cock, teasing him.

“anything i want?”

peter nods again, his hands tangling in roman’s hair to pull him in for another kiss.

“such a helpless mutt. you really can’t get off without thinking about me?”

“n-no i’ve tried so hard.. my mind always comes crawling back to you.. it always has.”

“how cute.” roman coos, kissing further down peter’s body, giving him small nips and bites on his stomach and hips.

“w-what are you doing?”

“what? i can’t return the favor before i fuck you?” roman smirks before taking the tip of peter’s cock into his mouth.

“fuck!- ah shit- you’re so drunk roman…” peter whimpers, his hips bucking into roman’s mouth. roman grabs his hips with his spare hand, holding them down, taking peter’s cock deeper into his mouth. peters hands grip roman’s hair and guid his mouth, slow and steady, up and down his cock. being careful to not go too deep.

“mm- have you ever done this before?” peter groans.

roman doesn’t answer, he just takes peter’s cock completely into his throat, moaning around it.

“god- oh fuck!” peter yells, he can’t help but buck his hips again at the vibration. roman just drools around him, continuing his slow and steady pace, deeper this time.

peters whines and moans drown out the music as he tugs at roman’s hair. roman moans, holding peter’s hips with his hands, digging his nails into them. he looks up at peter through half lidded eyes, and his heart almost feels as if it skipped a beat. strands of dark brown hair fallen into his face, his lips parted as he moaned breathlessly, his eyes on roman in awe.

roman picks up the pace, pulling back to focus on the swollen tip of peter’s cock, tasting the precum that had spilled out from him. peter bites his lip, his eyes rolling back and his head falling to the pillows.

“please please please! roman- god- i need you so bad.” peter whimpers, fucking roman’s face gently. his cock slick with drool. roman continues to suck at the tip, licking away any pre that comes out, before taking his cock all the way back into his throat, swallowing around it. peter fucks roman’s throat, his thrusts hard and feral as he whines and drools on himself.

“fuckin love you roman..” peter growls, tugging on roman’s hair again. his orgasm building slowly as he used roman’s mouth. he’s so drunk on love, but roman is just drunk. to peter, this means the world, to roman, he’s just another free fuck.

roman swallows around his cock again, holding it as deep as he can in his throat. peter whines as he cums. roman swallows as peters cum spills down his throat in hot spurts, his own cock dripping precum.

“jesus fuck- do you even have a gag reflex?” peter asks, holding roman’s face softly.

“no. i mean i don’t think i do, i've never done that before- sucked dick- i mean..” roman blushes. peter grabs his hair gently and pulls roman up to his face, giving him a deep kiss. roman moans into his lips, their tongues fighting for dominance. peter’s hands touching every inch of roman that he can reach.

“i need you so fucking bad, roman. please fuck me?” peter begs, nuzzling into his neck.

roman grabs peter by the waist, flipping him onto his hands and knees, facing the end of the bed. he pushes peter’s face into the mattress, tangling one hand in his hair, the other guiding his cock inside peter.

“oh fuck- god you’re so fucking tight, mutt..” roman moans, slowly inching his cock deeper into him.

peter whines and moans as roman bottoms out, staying still to allow peter to relax more. roman leans down and kisses peter’s shoulders, biting bruises into his skin. peter’s cock twitches and throbs with each bite. roman pulls out slightly just to thrust it back into him. peter moans, and his hand instinctively moved to his cock, slowly stroking it. roman fucks him slow and deep, marking and kissing his back and shoulders, he grabs peter’s wrist and moves it off his cock, replacing it with his own hand.

“oh god yes-“ peter whimpers.

roman picks up his pace, his cheek pressed against the warmth of peter’s back, his hand stroking peter’s cock in time with his thrusts. he moans into peter’s ear.

“you feel so fucking good, mutt. my dumb dog slut, so needy for my cock. i bet you’d come get fucked whenever i ask hm?” roman teases, sitting back up to fuck him rougher. his hand being pulled away from his cock.

peter nods, drooling on the sheets. roman grabs him by the hair, pulling him up against his chest. he grabs peter’s face with one hand, forcing him to look in the mirror on the wall in front of them. his other hand stroking his cock again.

“needy mutt. look at you. getting fucked like a pathetic whore. you begged so much for this. it’s what you wanted, pretty boy.” roman purrs, slowing his pace, peppering kisses up and down peter’s neck.

“m gonna cum again-“ peter whines, fucking himself against roman’s cock deeply.

roman picks up his pace again, maintaining the depth. his cock hitting just the right spot inside peter. roman moans, grabbing peter’s hair and pulling his head to the side to expose the veins on his neck. he sinks his fangs into peter’s neck. blood beginning to flow from the punctures. a love bite.

roman’s pupils dilate as he sucks the blood from him. his hips still as his cock twitches and spills his cum deep inside him.

“ah-! shit-“ peter whimpers as he is being slowly drained of his blood, his cock being drained of cum. he fucks himself into roman’s hand, cum dropping onto the sheets, covering roman’s hand. peter gently pulls roman’s hand off his cock, reaching around to play with his hair.

“more- keep drinking..” peter hums, still using roman’s cock. roman moans, his grip on peter’s hair tightening, sinking his fangs deeper into peter.

“god i fucking love you, roman.” peter moans, wincing softly at the pain. roman seemed to growl as he drank faster, he couldn’t stop. peter’s blood was so sweet and addictive, he started to feel high, his heart beating faster, his cock twitching again.

“cum for me, roman. please fill me up?” peter begs, pulling his hair harshly.

roman thrusts into him a few more times before he’s cumming again. his moans being muffled by his bite on peter’s neck. roman pulls his fangs out of peter’s neck, licking them clean, blood dripping down his chin. his cock following shortly after. peter whimpers at the loss.

roman falls back into the bed, resting his head on the pillows, catching his breath. peter lays next to him, resting his head on roman’s chest.

“i lov-“

“you got what you wanted. i got what i needed. why the fuck are you still here?” roman scoffs, lighting a joint, pushing peter off. he had sobered up now.

“i-i- i just wanted-“ peter’s eyes well with tears.

“wanted what? for me to hold you? for me to kiss you and caress your hair and play fag? want me to tell you i love you when i don’t! that doesn’t mean anything to me! you’re a drunk, pathetic whore, peter, and i don’t understand why you can’t see that i just don’t fucking love you! i’m not gay! i won’t ever be gay, so i don’t see your point in confessing all that shit to me when it doesn’t change how i feel! it can’t! use your dumb fucking dog brain to understand that i don’t want you.”

“could have fooled me when you had your dick in my ass and my cock down your throat. seems to me like i’m not the fucking fag here!”

roman punches peter in the face, seething with anger.

“i’m not a fucking faggot, and you know that. sex is sex to me. doesn’t make me gay.”

“you can sit here and deny your feelings and hit me and play with my fucking heart all you fucking want. i know that im weak enough to always come back to you because im not afraid to admit to myself who i am. i know that if you call ill be here, on my knees, doing whatever you ask me to, and letting you drink my blood because i know im a fucking drug to you. and i can’t stay away, ive tried. but i know that you need blood to survive and ill be damned if i don’t give you mine, just to feel closer to you because i know how good it makes you feel. you can pretend all you want but i know, i felt your cock get hard the very first time you drank from me, you were quite literally dry humping me, roman, and that was before i ever came out.” peter spits the blood that pooled in his mouth into roman’s face.

“get the fuck out.”

peter stands and dresses himself, glaring at roman with tears in his eyes. roman stares back, smoking his joint.

“i love you so fuckkng much roman, and you’re breaking my heart. i can’t promise to get rid of my feelings for you but i can pretend i don’t feel them when im with you, if that’s what makes you happy. if that’s what keeps you around. just please-“ peter begins to cry, wiping the tears from his eyes, blood streaming softly down his chest, staining his shirt.

“please just call.”

“i’d prefer if you just didn’t feel them at all. i’m not your fucking boyfriend or whatever you want me to be. but yeah, i’ll call. you’re only useful to me for one thing now.” roman spits. watching peter cry.

“just call me when you need me i guess..” peter chokes back more tears. roman glares.

“i lo-“

“say you love me one more time and i'm ripping your throat out.”

peter sniffles and walks out of roman’s room, tears pouring down his face as he silently cries, pushing past people, rushing out the door. he walks the entire way home, cold. having forgotten his jacket on the chair in roman’s house. the tears that spilled from his eyes making his face colder. as soon as he gets into his room, he curls into a ball, screaming and sobbing as he felt his heart shattering. the wound on his neck throbbed and his face was sore. he only stood to rummage through his closet for roman’s old pyjamas and a blanket from roman’s high school bedroom. changing into the pyjamas and wrapping himself in the blanket. even after all these years, they still smelled like him. they still held his warmth. peter stayed that way, sobbing for hours into the morning until he finally fell asleep. when he couldn’t cry anymore, and his eyes wouldn’t stay open, he allowed himself to sleep. holding roman’s blanket under his nose.

maybe i’m too busy being yours to fall for somebody new.

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cocaineskarsgard · 2 days ago

Text

is it casual now?

pt. 2: one of your girls

tw: self harm, blood play, blood drinking, basically roman fetishizing self harm. read at your own risk

fic under the cut!

peter sat in the shower, the scalding hot water pouring down over him. his eyes red from crying, he had cried for a week straight, and felt as if no more tears could come from his eyes, yet, they still fell. staining his pillow. he hadn’t showered in a few days, the dishes piled in the sink, clothes covered the floor, empty beer bottles scattered around the trailer, shards of glass littering the kitchen floor. peter had gotten too drunk, throwing a few bottles around in a rage. he was tired of feeling the empty pain of roman’s rejection, of roman’s denial.

he stares at the small blade twirling between his fingertips. peter’s hands trembling as he holds the blade to his wrist, horizontally. he wasnt looking for an end, just any sort of feeling other than the permanent loneliness that plagued him. the empty feeling in his chest, the dulling pain of the bite mark on his neck. peter drags the blade across his wrist, not too deep. the skin splits, blood rushing to the surface to spill out down his arm. he winces as the hot water stings the fresh wound.

this is better than feeling unloved.

peter wrestled with his thoughts as the crimson ran down the drain, as the blade began to cut just a little bit deeper. he sat under the streaming water until it ran cold, his hair still unwashed. red stains the white towel he dries himself with, and it stings as it sticks to his skin. he needed the bleeding to stop, maybe he’d gone overboard this time, maybe it was just a little too deep. peter wraps the towel around his forearm and applies pressure, sitting on the edge of the tub. the cuts stopped bleeding after a few minutes.

he walks back to his bedroom, throwing on a pair of old gym shorts and a long sleeve shirt, laying on the bed, his phone still plugged in on the nightstand next to the bed. peter closed his eyes, he’d slept so much but he still couldn’t stop himself from dozing off again. he was tired, he was drained, he wanted to feel anything but the pain of roman leading him on. he remembers so many times before, where roman flirted with him, kissed him or even teased him, granted roman was drunk during those times but it still, made peters heart throb, and he couldn’t get enough. roman was a drug, and peter was a helpless addict, begging for the next hit.

peter was startled awake an hour later by his phone ringing loudly. he catches his breath, running a hand through his hair. he unplugs his phone, looking at it through half awake eyes. roman. his heart skips a beat as he answers.

“hey, roman…” he sighs. rubbing his eyes with his spare hand.

“you left your jacket here, do you want to come get it? it’s cold outside.”

“roman- that’s the only coat i have. and my car is still not working, you’d have to bring it to me.”

“i’d rather you come and get it.”

“i can’t-“

“jesus christ, peter- i just want you to come over… i’m lonely.” roman interrupts, begging.

“could you at least pick me up?” he yawns.

“yeah, i guess i can. i’ll be there in 15?”

peter’s left arm began to feel wet and hot again, and the sleeve began to stick as blood seeped through the cuts again.

“fuck-“ peter whispers. “can you make it 20?”

“i’m already in my car, dude, i’ve already left the driveway.”

“ah shit- okay. uh- my place is a fucking disaster so please don’t come insi-“

roman hung up. peter tossed his phone on the bed as he stands up, rushing back to the bathroom to grab his towel, applying pressure again. peter was panicking now, his breathing becoming erratic, his eyes filling with tears.

roman can’t see him like this.

the blood stopped again, and peter now had to change his shirt, as the other one was bloody now. he takes it off, dropping it on the floor as he went back to his room. the only thing he could find with sleeves was a flannel shirt, so it would have to do, he put a t-shirt on underneath it, and some jeans. he grabbed his phone and waited on the couch, rolling a few joints. peter pretends not to notice the blood staining his fingernails.

roman knocks on the door a few minutes later, peter opens it and goes to step outside. roman blocks him, his eyes scanning the mess of the trailer. peter sighs, trying to push him.

“cmon man move. let’s go.”

“damn, it really is like a tornado went through here. you wanna stay at my place tonight?” roman questions.

the word sat heavy in peter’s throat. he couldn’t bring himself to say anything, he just stared at roman, feeling swallowed whole by the emerald green of his eyes. he didn’t want roman to see this. he wanted to just pretend he was okay, and that he didn’t love roman, that they were just friends. because that’s what roman wanted them to be.

roman and his stupid fucking denial.

“peter? hello?” roman waves his hand in front of peter’s face.

“uh- yeah. let me just get my stuff..” peter turns around and slowly makes his way to his room. roman follows silently, his eyes scanning the trailer, the glass, the empty bottles, the dishes in the sink, the blood stained shirt. he tried to pull his eyes away from it, but he couldn’t. the smell of the fairly fresh blood flooding his nostrils, intoxicating.

“peter?”

“yeah?” peter calls from his room, throwing whatever clothes he can find in his bag, with a phone charger and his bong.

“what happened to this shirt out here?”

oh fuck

“i uh- was trying to clean up some of the glass out here and got a cut. it’s fine. don’t uh- don’t worry.” he lies.

roman doesn’t believe him, but he isn’t one to pry. he isn’t one to force information out of someone. peter comes out of his room, and into the bathroom. roman standing in the threshold, his eyes scanning again. he can’t help but notice the razor blade sat on the edge of the tub, dried blood caked on the corners, the bloody towel on the floor. but once again, roman doesn’t pry.

peter grabs his toothbrush, placing it in his bag. he turns around to see roman, staring at the towel on the floor. and his face feels hot. he starts to panic again.

god he knows. he’s going to think i’m so fucking stupid and pathetic for this…

“let’s uh- let’s get back to my place. we can order some indian takeout?” roman smiles, placing his hand on peter’s shoulder, flipping the light switch, leading him to his car. peter makes a brief stop to grab some more weed, and to lock the door. roman carries his bag, putting it in the backseat of the maserati. peter gets in the passenger seat, neglecting his seatbelt. roman seats himself in the drivers seat, looking at peter. he sighs softly as he notices peter’s lack of seat belt. roman leans over him, grabbing the seat belt and locking it in place. his fingertips brushing peter’s thigh. peter shivers. the hum of the engine soothing his anxiety, just a touch. he looks out the window, his head is turned, but he can still feel roman’s eyes on him periodically.

peter exits the car before roman, grabbing his bag from the backseat, and walking to the front door. standing in the same spot where he stood last week. before he fucked everything up. roman unlocks the door for him, and the two enter. peter sitting his bag down in the living room, grabbing out his bong. as he goes to fill it up, roman takes it from his hand, gently pushes his shoulder so he sits on the couch, and goes to the kitchen to fill the bong.

“roman, i’m perfectly capable of filling the bong for myself..” peter sighs.

“just- shut up and let me be nice to you!” roman groans. handing the bong back to peter.

peter takes it, his fingers brushing against roman’s. he takes time to pack his bowl, but he doesn’t light it just yet. reaching into his pocket, he pulls out the joints, he hands one to roman. roman places it between his lips, sitting on the couch next to peter, leaning forward for peter to light it for him.

roman inhales the smoke, the subtle burn in his lungs causing him to cough slightly. peter lights his own bowl, clearing the bong in just a few hits. the smoke falling from his lips, blown into roman’s face. the two smoke in silence, allowing the weed fo hit. then, roman looked at peter a certain way, and the two just broke. they laughed so hard, and over nothing at all.

“don’t say shit man- i’m about to call the restaurant. shhh!” roman shushes peter, who was now hunched over onto roman’s lap, still laughing. only this time it was over a video he remembered and showed roman just moments prior. roman orders the food, stifling his laughter the whole time. the two boys find a movie to watch as they wait, peter grabbing beers from the fridge. he hands roman his beer, and tucks himself back into the couch. they drink and smoke another joint, watching the movie on screen.

twenty minutes passed and the doorbell rings, startling peter. his hand instinctively grabbing roman’s thigh. roman flicks his eyes towards peter, gently removing his hand. he stands and grabs the food, handing the delivery man some cash and locking the door. peter grabs the bag of food from roman, just for roman to jump over the back of the couch to sit down.

peter unpacks the food, handing roman his lamb curry, taking the tikka masala for himself. out of habit, peter removes his flannel, forgetting for just a while what covered the inner flesh of his left forearm. luckily roman wasn’t paying much attention to peter at the moment. the two ate in silence, only the sounds of the screen filling the gap between them. they pretended not to notice the tension, the longing between them. peter couldn’t sit and understand why roman would lie to himself, why he would lie to peter? he knew that roman just didn’t want to admit the truth, he knew he was just afraid of what people would say.

“peter…” the silence broken by roman’s voice, slightly shaken. the remaining food sat on the table, in their containers still. roman’s eyes having caught a slight glimpse of the inner skin of peter’s forearm.

“yeah?” peter turns, laughing at the movie.

“what did you do..”

“what do you mean?”

peter forgot. he forgot the state of his arm, he forgot the scabbing and the aching pain of them every time the fabric brushed against it. because roman helped him forget. he helped him feel like he had some semblance of normalcy left, any ounce of sanity.

“you cut yourself didn’t you? it wasn’t from glass…”

peter looks down, blood had started to trickle down his arm again. the deeper ones just wouldn’t stay scabbed for long enough, and he had nothing to wrap them with. his face burned and he felt sick, he couldn’t breathe, he was hyperventilating. peter can’t move, he shakes as the tears stream down his cheeks, his hands white knuckled as he grips the couch cushion. he wanted to scream, his whole world was crashing down again.

roman grabs peter’s wrist, turning it over to expose the cuts completely. it wasn’t pretty, the cuts littered in various thicknesses, lengths, and depths. blood ran from the deepest one, and peter winced as roman applied gentle pressure, blood staining his hand.

“why would you do this to yourself?”

“roman- you know the answer to that just as well as i do.”

roman sighs, lifting peter’s arm, he hesitates for a moment before kissing peter’s palm, traveling up, across the cuts, the blood coating his lips. his tongue darting out for a brief moment to dip into the deepest cut. peter winces. roman’s tongue stinging his flesh.

“no, peter. i don’t know why you’d do this.” roman was sincere. his thumbs prodding at the cuts, one slipping into the deepest cut just slightly, the blood gushing down his wrist.

“i hate you! i hate you so much for making me fall in love with you. i hate you for needing me, i hate myself for needing you. i hate that we share dreams, i hate that you led me on and fucked me and you just- don’t seem to care! you really can’t fathom in that beautiful brain of yours why i’d be hurting myself?”

roman shakes his head, his eyes still on peter’s bleeding wrist. his cock growing under his pants. peter glares, holding back sobs.

“you don’t love me.” peter chokes out.

“i know.” roman replies, one hand reaching up to hold peter’s face, looking into the sea blue of peter’s eyes. his gaze apologetic, his thumb caressing peter’s cheek.

“you don’t love me and it hurts, roman. it hurts worse than any bite, any punch, any blade. it’s an inescapable loneliness that no matter how hard you try to push it away, it remains.” peter sniffs, his cheeks and nose flushed red.

roman watches him. one hand still cradling peters cut arm, his thumb gently running over the scabbed up lines.

“and you don’t understand what it’s like, because everyone loves you. you only call me when you’re desperate and lonely, like i’m one of your girls, who gets paid to fuck you. only my payment is one sided love, and you fetishizing the fact that i’m hurting myself over it.” he began to raise his voice more, ripping his arm from roman’s grasp. peter stands, his hands tangling in his own hair, gripping at the strands.

“fuck you, roman! you ruined my fucking life! if i never met you i wouldn’t be like this, if i didn’t love you i’d be okay! i hate you so much but i love you more than i hate you and i just can’t fucking rip myself away from you. you always call me back, like a fucking dog on a leash.” peter was yelling now, the tears hot as they streamed down his cheeks. he couldn’t back his words anymore, his brain wouldn’t let him process what he was saying before he said it.

“you can keep lying to me and to yourself about how you feel, but i know the truth. you’ve always been this way. you’re just afraid. afraid of what people will think. but you know what? it shouldn’t matter what anyone else thinks, only the people who love you.”

roman stands up, slowly walking toward peter. he gently grabs peter’s wrists and takes his hands out of his hair. peter shakes and his heart felt like shattering glass, piece by piece until there was nothing left. roman only had so much time to salvage this, before it was too late. roman wraps peter in a hug, his fingertips gently caressing his back. peter buries his face into roman’s shoulder, sobbing.

“i’m so sorry. i can’t fucking apologize enough, i can’t sit here beside myself and accept the fact that you’re hurting yourself because of me. i caused you so much pain. enough that you had to mutilate your fucking arm over it. i don’t know what’s wrong with me, i feel like i’m broken, peter. i can’t be loved. so therefore, i cannot love.” roman holds peter as close as possible, his own eyes welling with tears. he’d never said that out loud, never said that he couldn’t love.

“you can be loved because you are loved, roman. can’t you see, i love you! i love every single part of you and you can’t bring yourself to say it back! but you- you kiss me and fuck me and i-i let you drink my blood. and you still won’t say it?” peter looks up at roman now, seeing the tears well in those beautiful emerald eyes, pained him more.

“i’m sorry. i-i can’t say it because i don’t know what it means to love someone. i don’t. you saw the environment i grew up in, if i felt unloved, my mom would just give me money. so i started doing coke, because that was better than feeling like a fucking failure every single time my mother looked at me.” roman pauses, pulling peter to the couch to sit down again. his hand resting on peter’s thigh.

“sit down please- anyway- i had feelings for you, i believe, when we first met, i even mentioned it to letha at one point, and word got around to olivia, that her son was a fag. and she didn’t like that. so she made me pretend, she made me lie to myself so much that i just- fuck. i just cant go back to the way i was. i cant accept myself, because i’m not gay.”

peter huffs before roughly pressing his lips to roman’s. roman gasps into the kiss, his lips parting for peter’s tongue to slide into his mouth. roman didn’t fight for dominance, he just slowly kissed peter back, his hand squeezing peter’s thigh hard enough to bruise. peter pulls away, and roman whines softly.

“not gay, hm?” peter smirks, his hand slowly palming at roman’s cock straining against his pants.

“i-im not…” roman shivers. one hand covering his mouth, stifling soft whimpers. peter straddles roman’s lap, holding his face.

“you’re not convincing me much, pretty boy. you got so hard from me kissing you.” peter teases, grinding his hips against roman. roman leans his head back against the couch, his hands trailing peter’s body. peter kisses at the exposed skin of roman’s neck, sucking dark bruises onto his flesh.

“what does love feel like, peter?” roman mutters. peter pulls away from his neck, and gently holds his face.

“you know how you said that when you drink my blood, it makes you feel so high?” peter replies, his hips stilling. roman nods, trailing his hands up and down peter’s torso.

“it’s like that feeling but without the need to drink from me, you just feel so- so happy, and at peace, and that all your problems can just disappear because you’re with the one person who makes you feel like you’re normal. it makes your heart stop, and your brain not think straight because you’d do anything that person asked.”

roman stares, watching peter speak as peter held his face. he was melting under his touch, and he was desperate for more than the friction of peter grinding against him.

“i think i understand what you mean.“ roman hums, his eyes meeting peter’s again. peter smiles before giving roman a gentle kiss. roman threads his fingers in peter’s hair, tugging at the long brown locks, kissing him deeper. peters hips grinding against roman again, harder this time. desperate.

“mm- need to bite you-“ roman moans into the kiss, his teeth dragging across peter’s lower lip. peter whimpers, his cock throbbing beneath his jeans. roman slides his hands under peter’s shirt, trailing his fingers over his back.

“why should i let you?”

roman whines, kissing peter’s neck. peter smirks. roman helpless underneath him. he gently grabs roman’s chin, turning his head to the side. exposing his marked neck.

“maybe i should bite you?” peter taunts, laughing softly.

roman’s eyes widen, his cock twitches as his lips part in a begging sigh. the words caught in his throat.

“you want that? you want me to bite you and make you bleed?”

“please, mutt. please i-i need it.” roman stammers.

peter exhales, lowering his lips to roman’s neck. he licks and nips at the skin before roughly sinking his teeth into the flesh. roman moans and tenses underneath the wolf’s teeth. blood running from his neck. peter’s teeth sinking deeper, blood pooling in his mouth, he swallows. roman whimpers as his hips grind against peter needily. peter moans as he sucks the blood from roman’s veins, his blood giving him the same effect that roman says he gets from his. so high.

“fuck- oh fuck- i’m cumming, mutt!” roman gasps, his cock spilling out cum, the friction and the way peter was sucking blood from him so deliciously. he couldn’t help it, he couldn’t hold it back. peter rips his teeth from roman’s neck, licking his lips.

“you really came from that? i haven’t even touched you.. and you called me a pathetic whore.” peter teases.

roman nods, peters grasp on his wrists loosens. he picks peter up from his lap and pins him to the couch. peter gasps, grabbing onto roman’s shoulders.

“you really think that’s all i’ve got for you, mutt?” roman taunts, his lips hovering over peter’s neck.

“bite me- fuck please bite me!” peter whines, holding roman’s hips against his. roman grinds against him softly, licking the bite mark he had previously left.

“not yet.”

peter whimpers, roman’s hands sliding under his shirt, pulling it off him. his lips kissing gently all over peter neck and chest, further down until he reached his waist. he slowly takes peter’s jeans and boxers off. kissing his thighs and hip bones. roman slides the tip into his mouth, working his tongue around it. one of peter’s hands tugs at his hair, forcing more into roman’s mouth. peter thrusts into roman’s throat, softly at first, allowing roman to enjoy himself. then peter began to feel hatred towards him again, and how this wouldn’t mean anything to roman once again. roman looks up at peter through his lashes, peters gaze shifting from needy to hate.

“i can’t fucking believe this, i’m letting you suck me off, again? you’re enjoying it too. but you’re not gay? no no, the pretty, rich, upir whos allowed to lead people on can do whatever the fuck he wants with no fucking consequences. that’s what this is, yeah?” peter growls, fucking roman’s throat roughly, the poor upir could barely breathe. roman’s whimpers being gagged by peter’s cock. peter holds his cock deep in roman’s throat. he pulls out from his throat, still holding his hair.

roman looked so fucking good like this, his eyes glassy, his nose red, his lips swollen and slick with drool. peter moans softly at the sight.

“do you have anything to say for yourself, roman?” peter teases, his cock resting on roman’s cheek, leaving drops of pre on his pale, smooth skin.

roman stares at him, his heart beating just a little bit faster. peter is looking at roman with so much hate, yet for the first time, roman is looking at peter with so much love.

“is this what it feels like?”

peters gaze softens, his grip on roman’s hair loosens. roman looking at him fully now. and peter can see it, he can see the look in roman’s eyes, the longing for something more than just a fuck. for the first time, peter doesn’t feel like an object, he doesn’t feel used.

“is this what what feels like?” peter asks, softly.

“this feeling in my chest, i-i feel like there’s a bomb in my heart and i’m going to explode.” roman whines, he doesn’t know what the feeling of love is truly like for him.

“honey, i don’t know what you mean?”

roman blushes at the nickname. nuzzling his face into peter’s hip, one hand stroking peter’s cock.

“i feel like there’s a million ants running around the lining of my stomach like maggots are inside me, like things are crawling around. am i dying?” roman spoke quickly, panicked.

“no, no honey. i-“ peter pauses. sighing.

“i think you’re just experiencing a lot of feelings right now and your body doesn’t know how to react to it, so your heart is beating really fast and your nerves are feeling weird in your stomach. i promise, you’re alive.”

“no bugs?”

“no bugs.” peter smiles, holding roman’s face. roman returns the smile before licking a stripe up peter’s cock. peters head falls back against the couch, moaning. his grip tightening on roman’s hair again, guiding his mouth on his cock. drool pools in the corners of his mouth, roman gathers it with two fingers, prodding at peters hole.

“fuck- oh my god fuck-“ peter whines, his hips bucking into roman’s throat deeply. roman moans around his cock as he gently pushes the two fingers in. slowly he pulls them out, then back in. all the while he sucks at peter’s cock. peter whimpers and moans at the slow pace of roman stretching him. roman pulls off of peter’s cock, using his spare hand to stroke the tip.

“want you to cum in my mouth again.” roman begs, wrapping his lips around peter’s cock again. his fingers fucking into peter faster now. peter fucks roman’s throat, feral. he’s tugging at roman’s hair, growling, whining. roman slowly adds a third finger, peters cock twitches before cumming in roman’s mouth, roman takes peter’s cock deep into his throat, swallowing the cum as it spilled out. peter pulls roman’s mouth away from his sensitive cock, a small spurt of cum following after, landing on his stomach. roman swiftly licks it up, before slowly pulling his fingers out. peter whines.

“ride me?” roman smirks, taking his clothes off and sitting on the couch. peter smiles and nods, straddling roman again. roman gives him a deep kiss as he lines himself up. peter sinks down onto his cock, moaning loudly.

“fuck- that’s so good. i fucking love your cock.” peter purrs, leaning his head against roman’s shoulder. roman runs his fingers up and down peter’s back.

“you take it so fucking good, mutt.” roman moans, gently thrusting upward into peter. he grabs peter’s hair, pulling him away from his shoulder, turning his head to the side and sinks his fangs in. the same spot as he did last time. the blood flowed down his throat. an animalistic growl muffled by peter’s neck. peter wanted more, roman was being too gentle. roman fucked peter soft and slow as he drank, ripping his fangs out in the same manner peter had done to him. their eyes meet, both of them with blown pupils. so fucking high from you.

peter raises himself off of roman’s cock, not completely, just enough to have roman whimper. before ramming himself back down onto it. he rides him hard and fast, roman’s hands just holding his waist, allowing himself to be used.

“fuck i’m gonna cum again.” roman gasps, his cock throbbing inside peter. one of his hands reaching down to stroke peter’s cock as he fucks himself on roman’s.

“j-just keep stroking my cock i-i’m close.” peter whines, quickening his pace. roman’s hand matches the pace, focusing on the swollen tip. roman moans loudly, holding peter down on his cock as he cums, his cock twitching as it spurts inside him. his hand continues to stroke peter’s cock, until peter bucks his hips, cum spilling onto roman’s stomach and hands, and peter’s thighs. he collapses onto roman, his body shaking gently.

“you did so good for me, mutt. so fucking good.” roman sighs contentedly, kissing peter’s shoulder. he slowly raises peter off of his cock, wincing at the loss. he grabs his shirt from the floor and cleans the both of them. peter lays down on the couch, shivering from the lack of roman’s warmth.

“cold?”

peter nods, his teeth chattering as he shakes. roman stands, walks to the closet nearby and grabs a large comforter and a pillow, he hands them to peter and helps him cover up. he reaches into peter’s bag and plugs in his phone for him, as he could see that peter was dozing off.

“mutt?”

“hm?” peter hums, sleepily.

“can i sleep next to you on the couch?” roman asks, shyly. afraid if what he’d say.

“of course you can.” peter smiles, lifting the blanket for roman to crawl under next to him. roman wraps one arm around peter’s waist, kissing his forehead. the other gently stroking his hair in perfect silence until he heard the soft snores letting him know that peter was sleeping finally. he peppered gentle kisses onto peter’s neck and shoulder. gently holding his face and caressing it with his thumb.

“i could learn to love you, peter. i hope. because i can’t imagine myself with anytime except you, my love. my beautiful boy. my mutt. i’m sorry it took so long, i’m sorry i was so cruel. i could learn to love you, that i know.” roman whispers to peters sleeping body in front of him, he wraps his arms around peter completely, holding him as close as possible, falling asleep with peter in his arms.

give me a call if you ever get desperate, i’ll be like one of your girls.

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