#classmates doing a story about cheating. and i still dont fucking get ‘cheating’

[mas-y-menos]

my advanced fiction professor: story two will be a romance story

me, an autistic who hasn’t “dated” since i was 14 years old:

[seongsangi]

your girl calls me daddy too

pairing: johnny x reader

summary: the story of getting involved with your professor/classmate's dad 👀

word count: 4.5k

warnings: professor!johnny, dilf!johnny, daddy/sir kink, age gap bc johnny is older in this fic (reader is 21+, we dont do that barely legal just turned 18 shit) straight up smut, that's all we do on this blog

author's note: this took me from 8 pm to 4 am to write. idk if that's fast or not compared to some people but bitch... that's a record for me!

another note: idk if anyone's wondering but johnny is a single dad in this, no cheating or infidelity involved!

No one knows about your relationship with Johnny Suh, certainly not your family or friends, and certainly not his son who is in the same biology course as you this semester. The secret is kept strictly between the two of you, the thrill of hiding it making it that much more exciting.

The relationship began with him being your chemistry professor. The brief glances, lingering touches, and frequent visits during office hours became too much for either of you to deny the attraction. It felt so wrong, the professor-student affair being too much of a cliché that you were hesitant to follow through with it. But after a particular session discussing the assigned homework, you both realized it was now too late to go back.

***********************************************

“Professor, why are you looking at me like that?” you fiddle with your pen in your hand.

“I’m sorry, I’m just a little distracted.” Mr. Suh lets his eyes trail down your figure, eyeing the neckline of your dress that reveals just enough to get his imagination going. He’s thinking about the way you waltzed in here with that damn sundress on, the way you bite your lip when you’re confused on a reaction mechanism, the way your innocent eyes look up at him when he’s explaining the concept. He feels foolish, unable to focus on your question when you’re sitting across from him looking like that, the dress hugging your figure in all the right ways.

“Should I come back another time?”

Mr. Suh clears his throat, giving you another glance up and down before collecting himself. “No, no, I promise I’m fine. Let me check your work right quick.” You hand him the paper, watching as he leans back in his chair examining the mechanism you drew. You let your eyes do the same thing to him as he did to you, taking in the long sleeve black shirt he wore today that hugs his biceps almost too well. It has your hands itching to feel them under your fingers, to take the shirt off and see him in all his glory. Your eyes roam his face, the sharp features drawing you in. You imagine his plump lips doing things to your body that are sure to take your breath away.

He does not fail to notice your lingering stare, or the way you’re fidgeting in your chair. He pulls the sleeves of his shirt up his forearm and grabs his pen, leaning in to show you where you went wrong. As he’s explaining, you lean in too, your perfume filling his senses. You can’t seem to focus on what he’s saying, too busy tracing the veins along his arms and hands. Oh, how they would feel wrapped around your – okay, bitch you have got to chill.

“Miss Y/N, is something the matter?” The way your name rolls off his tongue has you swooning, the added ‘miss’ making your tummy flutter.

You feel your body temperature rising with each second, fiddling with your hands in your lap, your mind going crazy with impure thoughts. You take a deep breath, trying to calm yourself down. “Uh, I’m sorry, could you repeat that?”

Mr. Suh notices your attention is elsewhere, setting his pen down and looking you directly in the eye, making you feel tiny under his intense gaze.

“You’re playing a very dangerous game.”

The statement catches you off guard, your cheeks immediately getting hot. “I- I don’t know, wha- what do you mean?” you stutter, which he finds endearing seeing you all flushed.

“Let’s not act like we don’t know where your mind is at,” he sees right through you. “Cause I’ll be honest, I’m right there with you.” His voice drops a couple octaves, sending a wave of arousal through you at the sound of it. Oh fuck, is this really happening right now?

Your breath gets caught in your throat, unable to respond. What the fuck do you even say to that? Mr. Suh gets out of his chair, his long legs coming around the desk and standing in front of you. He leans down real close to your face, bracing himself on the arm rests of the chair you’re in, effectively caging you in. If you thought you were getting warm before, you’re on the verge of burning up now. He’s smirking down at you, enjoying just how riled up you’re getting.

“Are you gonna tell me you haven’t been thinking of things other than chemistry during our meeting?” He cocks his head to the side, challenging you with a tease in his words.

“Um, professor, I don’t think we should be doing this…” you trail, glancing at the closed door behind you. His face is too close for comfort, looking anywhere but at him.

“Then tell me to stop,” his lips now ghosting your neck, so close you can feel his breath on your skin. He’s watching your chest rise and fall with heavy breaths. Every fiber in your being is telling you this is wrong on so many levels, but it’s making your body tingle in a way you can’t ignore. You’ve been thinking about him and it’s obvious he has been too, what’s stopping you from going further? You open your mouth to say something, but you can’t find any words to say, nothing to let him know you don’t want this.

“You have to tell me you want it then,” he pulls back from you slightly, waiting for your confirmation. If you don’t explicitly say yes, then he won’t push it any further.

You can’t take this any more, sitting up straight and saying “I want it” in one breath before crashing your lips against his. There’s no taking this back, you tell yourself as you let him take control. You sigh into the kiss, his lips feel so right against yours, letting the lust cloud your mind. He cups the side of your face, pulling you up by your waist to get a better angle to devour your lips. His hips push you against the desk, lifting you slightly to sit on the edge. Your hands bunch up his shirt, pulling him even closer to you. He bites your bottom lip as he pulls away, searching your face for any sign of regret. Instead, he’s met with your blown out expression, needy eyes asking for more.

Mr. Suh shakes his head in disbelief, almost chuckling. “You don’t know what you do to me, miss Y/N.” You love it when he calls you that. He steps back, turning around to lock the door. The sound of the lock only fuels your excitement, eager to see what he’ll do next. Your hands grip the edge of the desk as Mr. Suh stalks towards you, like a predator eyeing his prey. Oh, how you want him to eat you up right now. Your thighs press together at the thought, a movement he quickly notices.

His hands trail up the side of your thighs before resting on the curve of your ass. The fabric is soft to the touch but he bets your skin is softer. “What are you thinking of, you naughty girl?” His lips are back on you, letting your head fall to the side as he peppers kisses along your neck. “Just thinking about you,” you pant.

“I know that much. What do you want me to do, hmm?” he presses further.

“Anything you want,” falling further under his spell. He groans in your ear, ready and willing to take advantage of your submission. It’s more like you’ve got him under your spell. He knows this is wrong on a professional level, but fuck that right now.

“Turn around,” twisting your body before you can even do it yourself. His touch makes you so dizzy, bracing your hands on the homework assignment that has long been forgotten. He kisses your shoulder, pressing close to your backside as he admires you from behind, the dress doing wonders to accentuate your curves.

“You look so good in this dress doll,” kneading your ass in his hands. He gives it a tame slap, not wanting to be too rough since there are still other offices around his. “But I bet you’d look even better with it off.” The wetness in your panties is becoming unbearable, desperate for him to touch you where you need him.

“Touch me please,” your sweet voice begging him is more than enough for him to comply. He bunches your dress up over your waist to expose your soft skin, the thin panties you’re wearing showcasing your wet spot off clearly. His pants are getting incredibly tight, blood rushing to his member with each second. He lifts your right knee to rest it on the desk, trailing his fingers over the thin fabric.

“Right here?” he slides his fingers up and down your center, earning a shudder from you.

“Or here?” pulling your panties to the side and coating his fingers in your arousal. You let out an audible moan when he finds your clit, which prompts him to clamp his hand over your mouth. He cranes your head back to look you in your eyes, his hand still rubbing against your bundle of nerves.

“You’ll have to be quiet or else I’ll stop. Can’t have anyone around us hearing you.” You nod in understanding, eyes fluttering shut as two of his fingers slide into you with ease. You arch your back a bit more, pushing your hips further into his hand. It’s a good thing his hand is still covering your mouth because you can’t help your moans when his fingers are drilling into you so fast.

“You’re taking my fingers so well doll,” he’s gonna drive you insane with that nickname. You turn your head to get a better look at him, watching him part his lips as he watches his fingers disappear in and out of your core.

He slides a third finger in and you want to scream, the stretch makes you feel so full. You’re soaked now, the lewd sounds of your wetness making you feel self-conscious. Just then, his office phone rings. You gasp, looking at him with wide eyes. He lets go of your mouth but doesn’t pull his fingers out of you, pumping them in even as he reaches for the phone. You try to stay as quiet as you can with his fingers still working your core.

“Hello, this is Johnny Suh.” He looks you dead in the eye, telling you you better shut up without verbally saying anything.

“Ah, Jaehyun, what can I do for you?” Your legs buckle when he hits that spot, almost letting out a yelp. He shoots you another glare, pulling his fingers out and shoving them in your mouth to keep you quiet. He sets the phone down for a second, leaning in to your ear. “Play with yourself while I take this call. And shut up, I mean it.”

You can taste yourself on his fingers, the whole thing making you feel so filthy. Your hand reaches down to your core, rubbing yourself slowly as Mr. Suh picks the phone up again. You lick him clean, getting your own fingers wet now with your slick. He’s listening to the other person on the line but paying close attention to your hand in between your thighs. He likes watching you play with yourself, getting off on the thought of him.

“Okay, all that sounds great. Send me an email of the template and I’ll check it out. I’m with a student right now, so can I call you back later?”

When he finally gets off the phone, he shoves his fingers further into your mouth, almost making you choke on them. “Didn’t I tell you to be quiet? You couldn’t even do that?” You’re so worked up, you can feel your high approaching and you just want him to help you reach it.

You grab his wrist, pulling his fingers out of your mouth. “I’m so close,” bringing his hand back to your core.

“You want to cum? Beg for it,” he doesn’t make a move to touch you.

“Please sir, I wanna cum on your fingers, please please.” You stroke his arm gently, pleading with your eyes, anything for him to touch you again. How could he say no when you’re looking at him like that?

He tells you to turn around to face him, holding your leg against his waist. He watches your face contort in pleasure as he gives you what you want, rubbing yourself at the same time to chase your high. You try to keep your voice to a minimum, your sweet moans fueling him on. If his fingers feel this good in you, you can’t even imagine what else he’s got in store for you.

“Fuuuck, sir I’m cumming,” you cry weakly, closing your eyes and clenching around his fingers as you finally get that release. The sight of you coming undone on his hand is almost enough to take you right then and there, but he holds himself back. Your hand grips his wrist tightly, but he doesn’t stop pumping in and out of you until you open your eyes, worried he’s gonna try to get another one out of you so soon.

He finally stops, taking the chance to taste yourself by licking his own fingers clean. God, you thought sucking his fingers was hot, this is even better. He loves the taste of you, already craving more. Mr. Suh runs his hand along your inner thighs, taking a mental image of the sight of you spread open for him on his desk.

“Miss Y/N, I think it’s safe to say that we should keep this a secret between us.”

***********************************************

And that’s how your intimate relationship with your professor began. You’ve been in his office so many times after that, you’ve lost count, letting him take you on every inch of that desk. Before, during, and after office hours, you both crave each other’s touch. You know to keep your time together to a minimum though. You can’t be coming into his office whenever you want, or else it would start to get suspicious. Sometimes you catch yourself stealing glances at his son in biology class, wondering if he has even the slightest idea of what’s going on between you and Mr. Suh.

One day, when he’s at the front of the class teaching, all you can think about is his lips on you as he takes you from behind, whispering in your ear how dirty you are for letting him fuck you before class started. By the end of class, he passes the homework back out. You see a note written in red at the bottom of your paper.

127 Paradise Lane tomorrow 7 pm

It doesn’t take a genius to know what that means or what it entails. You quickly put your homework in your backpack before any curious eyes can see what’s written on it. You look up to see him steal a glance at you, making sure you got his note. Neither of you say anything as you walk out of class.

***********************************************

When you get to his house the next night, he welcomes you in with a warm smile, which quickly turns devious as he shoves you against the door immediately after closing it, capturing your lips in a heated kiss. You grab hold of his shirt as his hands roam your body, pulling him as close as you can. His hard bulge presses against your stomach, thoughts already wandering to how mind blowing his impressive length will feel in you. You want him, but one questions prods at your mind, pulling away from his lips slightly.

“Sir, what about your son? Is he gonna be home tonight?” You feel weird in your classmate’s house, but the fact that you’re about to fuck his dad as you’ve done plenty of times before is more overwhelming than your qualms about being here.

“He’s out of town with his friends,” running his hand up your back before grabbing your hair, pulling your head back so fast it surprises you. His breath is warm against your lips, “And when you’re in my house, it’s daddy.” You’re so used to calling him sir, knowing it turns him on but the new name in this new setting makes your insides tingle. You can’t hold back your smile, giving him your best “yes, daddy” to appease him.

Mr. Suh leads you to his bedroom, the king sized bed hitting your back as he throws you down. He towers over you, unbuttoning his shirt slowly. You sit up on your elbows, rubbing your thighs together as you eat up the man before you with your eyes. With each button that comes undone, you get more and more excited. He’s watching you intently, thinking of all the ways he’s going to ruin you tonight. He looks delectable with his shirt off, licking your lips at the sight of his well built figure.

“You’re gonna start drooling soon,” he teases, walking to his closet and pulling out one of his many ties. Whatever he’s thinking of doing with that, you have absolutely no complaints. You bite your lip in anticipation as he kneels on the bed, securing the tie around your neck into a makeshift collar. “Is this okay with you?”

You nod your head, but he pulls on the tie quickly, taking your breath away. “Use your words.”

“Yes, it’s ok,” you choke out. He doesn’t let up, asking instead, “Yes what?”

You’re gushing already, the control he has over you making your head spin. “Yes daddy,” you can barely get the two words out. He lets the tie go slack, coughing a bit at the sudden attack. His hand cups your face, “Sorry was that too much?” You nuzzle your cheek into his hand, telling him you loved it.

And that’s what he loves about you, that you take anything he gives you and enjoy every bit of it. You’re too much for him. He sits with his back against the headboard, tugging your arm to straddle him. “Did you wear this little dress for me?” his hands are sliding up and down your thighs, bringing out the goosebumps on your skin. You brace your hands on his chest, moving your hips against his jeans. The friction against your clit is oh so good and feels even better when he flexes his thigh after seeing your movements.

“You should see what I’m wearing underneath,” tugging the hem of your dress over your body, revealing your choice in white lingerie underneath, the color making you look angelic but is a stark contrast to the sinful things that are about to happen.

“Miss Y/N, what am I gonna do with you?” he asks as you pick up the pace of your hips, leaning down to press your lips to his neck. He lets you do what you want to him, encouraging your hips to move faster. Your small whimpers in his ear tell him you’re enjoying yourself, using his thigh to get off. You know not to leave any visible marks, opting for further down his chest to leave hickeys. His jeans feel so good against your core, finding more pleasure in riding his thigh than you thought, but it’s still not enough. “Want you to fuck me,” you moan breathlessly, pushing your chest into his face as you find that perfect spot to keep grinding against.

He hungrily pulls your bra down, attaching his lips to your hard nipple as he rolls the other one between his fingers. Your skin is so soft, he could bury his face in your tits all night. He leaves his own hickeys on your chest, admiring his work as he puts your bra back in place.

“Keep the lingerie on.” He pulls you down by the tie again, kissing you fervently as you fumble with his jeans. You get down on your knees, taking his clothes off so that he’s naked before you. His rock-hard member slaps against his stomach when you pull his pants off. You flatten your tongue against his member, locking eyes with him as you lick him from the base to the tip. You take him in your mouth, using your hands to fondle his balls to add to his pleasure. Using your tongue as much as you can to get him wet, you take him as far as your throat allows.

“You look so good with my dick in your mouth,” grabbing your hair and bobbing your head up and down on him. You let him use your mouth, parting his lips at the feeling of your warm tongue. When he lets go of your hair, you release him with a pop, sliding your hand along his length. “I bet I look even better with it in m—” you can’t even finish your sentence as he grabs you by the chin, shutting you up.

“I knew you’d say some shit like that. Why don’t you be a good girl and come ride this dick then?” He shoves your face away, but the roughness only turns you on even more. You straddle his hips, his hand pulling your lace panties to the side as you position him at your entrance. Both of you gasp as you sink down on him, the stretch quickly filling you up, your tight walls clamping against him.

“Fuck daddy, feels so good,” you whine. When he’s all the way in, you lean back on your hands in the cowgirl position, giving him the best view of where your bodies are connected. You feel so exposed in this position, but he can’t keep his eyes off your core as you move your hips, which makes you feel powerful under his glare. You know he loves it just as much as you do, giving him a show as you ride him.

A thought comes into your head, pulling out but quickly turning around so that your backside is facing him. You slide down on him again, his hands gripping your waist. You can move your hips faster in this position, setting a quick pace and slamming your hips against his. He’s lost in the way your ass bounces on top him. You let out a loud whine when his hand lands a hard slap on your ass cheek.

“I can’t do that when we’re in my office,” he lands another one to the same cheek, “but now I can.” He wants to see you red with his handprints, enjoying your little yelps at the sting. You clench around him each time he spanks you, doing so particularly hard but you can’t deny that you like the pain. By the last spank, your ass is on fire, but his large hands smoothing over them soon makes you forget about the pain.

Suddenly, you’re being yanked back by your hair, thrown on your side as he spoons you. Lifting one of your legs up, he slides into you from behind. The new position introduces a new angle for him to fuck you. “Oh shit, fuck, oh my god,” you can only curse as he abuses your core deliciously. Instead of using the tie, he wraps his hand around your throat to choke you. You grip his forearm, letting him use your body to his content.

“Your pussy is so good baby,” he growls in your ear. “So tight, so wet, I could fuck you all night. You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” You mumble incoherently as a response, too gone in the pleasure he’s sending throughout your body. You let out a choked scream as his hand that’s holding your leg up finds your sensitive nub, bringing you closer to the edge as he tells you how much he loves fucking you. Your legs shake as the pleasure overwhelms you, but he holds you close to keep you from going too far.

“Don’t run away, I know you can take it doll.”

“Daddy please,” you beg shamelessly but you don’t even know what you’re begging for. You want him to keep ravaging you, but you physically don’t know if you can keep up.

Mr. Suh makes the decision for you, pulling out of you to stand at the edge of the bed. He grabs your ankles, dragging your body towards him. He holds your legs together, pushing them towards your chest. He slides right back in, wasting no time in fucking you again. He loves watching his dick slide in and out of you, loves hearing you moan his name, loves how tight you get for him. You let your legs fall open, sitting up on your elbows to watch him fuck you. There’s something insanely hot about watching you take every inch of him, you can see why he enjoys it so much.

Your breasts bounce with each thrust, which makes him grab handfuls of your tits, pinching your nipples. “Baby, can I take a video of you? I won’t get your face in it, you just look so good in this lingerie right now.” You nod, feeling a surge of confidence at his words. He reaches for his phone on the nightstand, opening the camera and pressing record. He slows his thrusts, sliding into you slowly to show off how wet you are. The camera pans to your bra, giving them a squeeze for the video. He shoves your hand away, pulling your breasts out of your bra. He tugs on the tie, making sure not to get your face but still showing your makeshift collar off.

Without warning, he speeds his hips up again, earning a cry from you before ending the video and throwing his phone on the bed. He’s so riled up, he just wants to use you to finish. “You gonna cum for me daddy?” God, he loves hearing you beg for him. You sound so sweet saying the dirtiest things. “Cum for me please, I want it so bad, want you to cum in my mouth.”

“Oh shit baby,” he pulls out quickly, grabbing your hair and shoving himself in your mouth, his warm release all on your tongue. You swallow every last drop, sucking him off as he groans at the slight overstimulation.

He takes a second to catch his breath, noticing your not so innocent eyes looking up at him eagerly. A playful smile spreads across your face and he knows that look all too well.

You’re insatiable.

***********************************************

The next semester, you’re moving into a new dorm. Your parents are here to help you move everything in. You notice Mr. Suh’s son moving into the same dorm, looking around for a glimpse of him. He’s carrying a box of things from the car to the front entrance, stopping you for a quick “hello Miss Y/N, how was your break?”

He looks behind you, asking if those are your parents. “Maybe I should say something to them.”

“What are you gonna say?”

“Oh, I don't know, maybe something like: your girl calls me daddy too,” he jokes as you storm off, cheeks flushing red.

[nctworststuff]

2 Hearts 1 love; Chapter 1: Beginning

jPairing: Taeyong x fem!reader ft bestfriend!Yuta

Sub-genre: Angst, crack, College au

Sub-Warning: Breakup, cursing, doubt about love, mention of kill, mention of gun and knife, featuring of Yuta, coffe, cringe (?)

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

Words count: 1.4k

Summary: Already written in the paper that y/n and Taeyong are destined to be together. But there must be challenges and storylines that they have to go through

Sub-summary: The very beginning story that tell you about how you meet each other

Velvet say: This is an event for The TaeTae Day! I hope you guys love it! Sorry for any mistake!

Tagging: @supermwritersnet @jaehyunstories (send an inbox if you want to be added)

Masterlist of this series | Next

-

"We breakup"

"If its all you want" Your voice are calm but anyways you slammed the table and stand up, let your untouched cup of coffe on the table spilled.

Your (ex) boyfriend shook that you not even show him any expression. You just act professional and your face just calm. Its because you know he cheated on you for a long time ago. You just pretend to blind your eyes with those pain. You tired of this.

"Y/n, please dont made any mess-"

"No one care about the messy I made. And you said you cheat on me right? Okay. Also yeah, have fun with your new girl" you said before shut the door, not forget to shove your shoulder with his.

He just stay still at his place, not even move. He pissed off a bit of what you said

”Such a rude lady”

You are tired of this. This is a... second time you're in this situation? But The fact that your ex cheating on you not hit you at all. You get used with it. Why you have to cry?

Plus it's not essential at all. You know he is not a right person for you from the beginning of your relationship. Okay, there's a scar a in your heart but it doesn't effecting you life at all

After the a few days you breakup with your ex, you just scroll the social media and do a thing that just wasting your time. You just want to spend your time with real and only y/l/n y/n. Thanks to your ex, because of him, you feel really doubt about love.

In the future, if you have a grandchild, you can imagine it about them asking you a love thing like "How grandma fall in love for the first?" Or "Who is grandma's first love" and something that related about the topic. Of course you would lying about the 'first love' question.

Because you dont want to tell a hurt thing behind a happier one. Let just blind them with those thing, so they know that love is somehow is a good thing but actually they finally know what is artifical love and true love when they go through it. And you would do the same thing with your future child

You shook your head

Okay maybe this is too FAR and this is too early to think

Until you get a call from someone,

"Hello" the familiar voice speak

"Hi Yuta. Whatsup?"

"Meet me, at usual place at 2.00"

”Sure”

"Why you suddenly decide to meet me? Usually you would busy on the weekdays like this" you stirring a coffe you received from a waiter at usual place. Usually, you hang out with him at here when holiday or when he want to discuss about assignment

"I already complete an assignment early which professor had give us plus I dont know what to do today. So I decide to hangout with you” he take a sip of hot espresso

"Nothing to talk about?" he ask you like he know that you're hiding something. You gulped

"What?" You act like nothing happened

"Spill the tea“ oh, he really know about it

"Well, yeah I just spend my time with my pho-“

"No. I was talking about you and him" he cut you off.

"You broke up with him right?" How he know about that? He doesn't supposed to know this

"How you know about that?"

"You forgot he is my friend" he replied

"Gee. Friend? I didn't know you are friend with him"

"Not really friend. Just my classmate"

"Im regret to date with him" you rolled your eyes. How you feel stupid at yourself for fall easily at the very beginning and you got nothing at the end.

"Thats why its called regret, y/n" He is right. Regret is a dissapointed over something that already past. And you date with your ex is the thing of a past.

"Dont talk about him. Im tired with that. I should kill him" If you have a knife or any gun in your hand, you just already kill him when you saw he cheated on you

”Unfortunately, its a crime”

”Yeah, I know”

"Dont worry. Maybe there is someone out there who are truly right for you" yeah, maybe.

"Who would it be?"

"Someone. Someone that is not me. Cuz Im not deserve you" yuta play with his finger

"Stop talking about love. Love is too early for me"

”But we are getting older, y/n" you know day by day you are getting older but if you still not believe with love you can get into the trouble

”I feel doubt about love" there is it. The feeling of doubt always running through your head

”Trust me, love is exist”

”I know but somehow its like fake for me”

”How about that red haired guy?”

”Who?”

”You dont know? He is a student at our college and also my classmate. He is quite attractive though but he rarely talk with peoples”

”I see. I dont know about him but why you suddenly talk about him?" Red haired guy? You love red. Sound interesting but you are not sure with that

"Just said if you are interested”

”Sorry but Im not that type to fall easily”

”Fine. But think twice when you meet him one day”

You keep thinking what Yuta said a few hours ago

"But think twice when you meet him one day"

It keep repeated in your mind.

You drink you strawberry milkshake with a straw while thinking back about it. Was he is really that attractive? Red hair sounds good to be honest.

You walking to the park and take a fresh air. Woah, how long you didn't do this thing?

While holding your drinks, you slowly walks to the brown wooded bench. You sit on it and enjoying the view of the park. You are too careless and didn't realize that you spilled someone drinks. When you finally notice it, you panicked and dont know how to deal with it

"What the fuck this cup of coffe doing at this bench?" You said at yourself. Who puts a cup full of coffe and leaves it alone? Is it funny and weird at the same time?

"WHAT THE- WHAT DID YOU DO!" You flinch when you hear the man wearing a black tshirt shout at you. He walking towards you. His face is red and thats mean he are very angry right now.

"What you do with my coffe?" oh no you are in the big trouble right now. There is a 7 billion peoles in this universe but why always you get into the problem?

"Im sorry! I didnt mean it! And who the fuck put their own things and leave it alones!" You raised your voice and rolled your eyes. Anyways, you have to face it

”Oh god! I leave it alone because I have to buy something. Cant you beware of something! I waited for this coffe a long time ago” tsk, how funny, you thought.

“I didnt notice it when I sit at here! Dont just blame on me”

"Did you use your eyes or your knees? Watch carefully! You didnt know how much I put effort on it" he rolled his eyes. His face was familiar for you

"Come on, its just a cup of coffe"

"if so, replace me with the same coffe with the coffe you spilled” he look at you with a daring eyes

”Fine. Its not a big problem at all”

“Here is your coffe, Ma’am” the barista said and handed it to to you

”Thanks. How much?”

”25 dolla (usd)” you cursed silently. How expensive. You can feel the guy’s smirking at your back as you took out your money

”Thank you, Ma’am. Hope you can come again”

The barista flashed a smile to you and you smiled back. You walk out from the coffe shop. You rolled your eyes when you meet your eyes with the guy. You handed the coffe to him. He just take it and walk away. That make you clench your fist and your jaw

”Can you at least say thank you?”

”No. How to say thank you?”

“Such a ungrateful man” you just spend your money just for his coffe and now he act like nothing happened

”Whatever. Meet you tomorrow“ he walk away and didnt even turn back to look at you. His action made you let a long sigh and something popped in your mind

What does he mean by meet me tomorrow? and his face somehow look familiar

Black tshirt

Attractive eyes

Red hair

Oh shit, he is the guy that Yuta talked about

-©Nctworststuff

[floatingpetals]

Peace and Quiet?

Pairings: Steve Rogers x Reader

Warnings: Angst-ish, language, the reader makes a poor decision, fluff as well  

Word Count: 5900+ 

Request: “I seriously love your longer one shots! Could you please do a Cap (or Bucky) + reader, where the reader is kinda loud/outgoing because of not wanting to be forgotten or something? And the reader figures they make him uncomfortable and shuts everyone out, leading to him confessing he likes the reader? Fluff please?” @homeybadger

A/N:  Wow so uhh, this has been a request that’s been sitting in my inbox for sooooo looonnng. No seriously, like super long. I feel so bad that it’s taken me just now to get to it. I wanted to do something nice with it, but I just couldn’t get it right, then I forgot it was there and then I remember and scrapped the whole thing. I hope you enjoy this story and I hope the length makes up for it! I did not mean to take so long on this! I hope you all enjoy!! 

**I’m also debating on doing a second part, but it all depends on the feedback I get. So please let me know what you think! ❤

Gifs not mine, credit to the creator!

“Oh, bad luck. You landed on Boardwalk,” Sam smirked, a giggle beginning to bubble in his chest as the rage that was settling on Y/N’s face across the table. She glared at the double dice, a freaking snake eye, that had been against her the entire game. “And if my math is correct, with my three houses you owe me $1400. And from the looks of your very sad pile, you’ll have to sell everything on top of declaring bankruptcy.”

“I hate this game!” Y/N screamed, throwing down the $300 hundred she had left.

“Hey, don’t hate the game!” Natasha shot back, grinning behind her beer bottle. Y/N shot her glare.

“Oh, shut up! You and Clint have been cheating the entire time and you know it!” she growled. Clint gasped but was cut off by a sharp jab in the ribs by Bucky. He grumbled and pulled out the chance cards he had stashed away, and nudge Natasha to pull out the money she had hidden away. “See! This game sucks!”

“Now, now. No need to go all green on us.” Tony grinned. Bruce made a noise before letting out a puff of air. Irritated with both the game and how smug everyone was acting, Y/N exploded with a primal battle cry.

“Fuck this game! You people are all cheaters!”

Everyone had enough time to grab their drinks off before Y/N flipped the table, the pieces flying everywhere. Bucky and Wanda both doubled over in their seats, howling when Y/N began to scream at Tony, who jumped up and was yelling back at the same volume. Clint and Natasha were grinning like idiots as the mayhem grew. Bruce rolled his eyes when Sam jumped in, normally the tone the room shifted would set him on edge, but this wasn’t unusual. The only person that wasn’t reacting, save for Vision who had no idea why tensions were so high over a silly game, was Steve.

He had decided to sit this game night out. After the Mario Party debacle, he wasn’t ready to jump back in the ring. Thor spun a wheel and tossed a dart to cut someone’s stars in half. He landed on Y/N’s. While she was once in the lead, that cut her stars in half and she was suddenly in last place. That was fine. It was when she was hit by Bowser, who Tony was playing as when they managed to let him loose of his little prison that she flipped her lid. The team got a kick out of her raging at the games, and all banded together to see how quickly she could snap. Steve, however, didn’t see the charm in it.

To put it lightly, Y/N was a lot to handle. She was everywhere all at once to begin with, her voice carrying through walls. There wasn’t a single mean bone in her body, aside from her intense competitive streak. She seemed to win over anybody. Steve still wasn’t sure. He’d admit, she was sweet and everyone else seemed to love her. Steve thought she was cute too, sometimes she would fall asleep on the couch and he’d find himself taking advantage of her stillness to stare. But she never stopped to breathe once it seemed. He couldn’t recall a time where she wasn’t talking loudly about something or practically bouncing off the walls from excitement. She was a lot more than he was used to. Y/N made his head spin. It wasn’t terrible, but it was a bit exhausting after a while around her. It also didn’t help that sometimes her power manifested with her growing emotions. Which is what was happening right now.

“You’re the one who wanted us to play this stupid game!” Tony accused, rolling his eyes.

“Did not! I specifically said that I thought it was a stupid idea because I always end up flipping a table! You’re the one who then said we had to play it since learning that bit of information.” She countered pointing a finger at him. Tony stopped, a sly grin spreading across his face.

“Oh yeah.”

“Ugh!” She grumbled. “You people are so frustrating! Why do you do this to me?!”

“Because it’s fun.” Tony grinned, his eyes flashing with glee. That was the wrong thing to say. Now Y/N really was angry. She grits her teeth and balled her fists at her side. If this was a cartoon, she’d have steam coming out of her ears she was so angry. Unbeknownst to her, her powers started to manifest with her mounting fury, afflicting the others in the room.

Y/N’s power was special and even a bit strange considering how specific it was. Since she could remember, Y/N always had the gift to control the aura around her to suppressed others authority and leadership skills. It was a power that had come handy in her life, but also hindered her more than it helped. She had a rather strong grip on it at all times, but sometimes that control slipped. Tony’s face paled, and everyone else around her started to shift uncomfortably.

“Uh-Y/N.” Wanda reached out, her fingers gently brushing against the back of Y/N’s arm. Wanda flinched, the contact enough to send her the full force of Y/N’s strange power, but she fought to stay strong. Y/N blinked, quickly realizing the shift in the room was because of her. Her shoulder’s dropped and the suffocating aura surrounding her disappeared. The room sighed collectively in relief.

“See. This is why you shouldn’t poke the bear.” Y/N huffed, crossing her arms against her chest. Tony chuckled and shook his head.

“It’s nice to know you’re aware.” Sam let out a laugh as well, grinning widely at her. She grumbled under her breath and turned to sit back in her seat. As she did, she scanned the room and noticed a spot empty. Standing straighter she glanced around the room.

“Hey, where did Steve go?”

The group collectively turned around, just now noticing the empty seat their Captain once took up as well. Bucky frowned and shot a look to Natasha, who seemed on the same page. Slowly, he turned to back to Y/N.

“Uh... Maybe he decided to turn in early.” He tried. The team seemed to take it, albeit skeptically. He had been doing this a lot lately, getting up at disappearing without a word. No one wanted to say it aloud, but they all noticed it happened around the time Y/N came to the team four months ago.

Y/N stilled, her eyes hardening for a split second before they seemed to glaze over. Shaking her head, she heaved a sigh.

“I’m gonna turn in early too. Sorry, this little outburst just took a lot out of me.” She said, stepping over the discarded pieces and was out of the room before anyone could argue. The room had shifted into a subdued atmosphere, everyone thinking the same thing.

“Someone needs to talk to him.” Wanda murmured. Bucky nodded, letting out a sigh.

“I’ll talk to him.” He said. The rest all murmured in agreement, slowly trickling out the room since game night clearly was done for the evening. They could only hope tomorrow would end on a better note.

~~~~~~~

Y/N sat on her bed, clinging to her favorite stuffed animal wondering just where she went wrong. Since she joined the team a few short months ago, she had been trying her best to get close to the rest of her teammates. Naturally, she was a bubbly person. But her gift made it harder for her to get close to anyone. Her parents thought it was odd, the power came from nowhere when she hit the age of three. It took them time to figure out that it wasn’t because she was incredibly intimidating and that she was unintentionally suppressing their confidence level.

They spent years taking her to doctors and specialists that might be able to help her control her powers. It wasn’t without consequences. Because she struggled for so long to control her powers, she spent a lot of her life unintentionally hurting those around her.

Her classmates didn’t know what exactly, but they knew something was wrong with her. She spent the majority of her school years alone in the corner, shunned from taking part of anything in her classes. If anyone tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, something always went wrong. They were terrified of her. The fear turned to indifference and eventually, they paid her no mind. No one wanted her in their lives. But for Y/N, she wanted nothing more than to be accepted and included.

Which might explain why she was the way she was today. It took years to master her control, but she did it. And now that she was an Avenger, she was surrounded by people who were like her. Special and unique. Nowhere else could she be herself as she could here. This was her last chance of being free and she never wanted to be forgotten.

It didn’t take her long to win over the others. They were more than aware of what she could do. Not a one batted an eyelash, no one shrank away in fear they’d be subjected to the smothering fear she could plague them with. If anything, it fascinated them. She was the one who they’d send in to interrogate. Whether on location or in a holding cell, it didn’t matter. Her power was a gift to get the tightest of lips to talk. For the first time in her life, Y/N felt as though she had finally found her calling.  

Y/N was proud of how far she had come. It was years of uphill battles and year left in the shadows. But now, she had it all, friends, her family and a job she loved. All except the acceptance of Steve. He was polite, but he always had an air of discomfort around her. Not with anyone else, just her. Y/N hated to admit it, but it hurt.

Since the day she met him, Y/N fell hard. Who couldn’t though? He was charming, cared for his friends and protective of his family. But for some reason, he just didn’t seem like he enjoyed being around her. Perhaps, she thought, it was something she said to him. She couldn’t recall anything that might set his teeth on edge, but she was at a loss.

Letting out a heavy sigh, Y/N set her stuffed animal down on the bed and swung her legs over the side. She knew she shouldn’t dwell too much on it. He could very well be in a bad mood, and it could confidently only be when she’s in the same room. She snorted. Yeah, that was it.

No, she thought, there was something more about it. Thinking back all the times she noticed he’d got running, realization hit her like a freight train. Every time he ran, it was because of something she did. It was her. A broken sob crept it’s way up her throat. She was the reason, that was the only thing it could be. Steve Rogers, the man who unknowingly held her heart in his hands, was uncomfortable with her. She clenched the sheets of the bed and held back her tears.

Y/N had to change. Her behavior had always been a problem, she knew that. She was so terrified of being left alone and forgotten again, she let her eagerness go too far. Falling back on the bed, she stared at the ceiling and came to a life-altering decision.

~~~~~

“Hey! There you are!” Natasha grinned motioning Y/N over to her mat. “I was wondering if you’d ever show up or if I’d have to go up to pull you out of bed.”

Y/N didn’t respond with her usual quip, just sent her a tight-lipped smile and a soft apology. Natasha blinked her lack of typical response slightly off-putting. Where was her boisterous hello and never-ending pouts of energy? It was one of the fun things about working out with Y/N first thing in the morning. This wasn’t usual of her at all.

“Okay.” Natasha drawled, looking over Y/N to try and decipher her new attitude. “Well, let’s get started on stretching you at, then we’ll get on the mat to spar.”

Y/N wordlessly nodded, moving over to where the yoga mats were laid out waiting for her. Natasha took up the spot next to her, keeping her eyes especially close on Y/N. Aside from her uncharacteristically quiet demeanor, it didn’t seem like there was a hair out of place on her. Although, her movement seemed a bit on the robotic side. Y/N was just going through the motions, getting done with her stretches before wordlessly making her way over to the mats without a glance to Natasha.

Natasha sat up and watched Y/N leave without a word, flabbergasted. Things seemed fine last night, aside from Steve’s abrupt disappearance. As far as Natasha knew, Y/N had gone straight to her room to sleep. And everyone was either here in the gym or Tony and Bruce in the lap. So, what happened to Y/N?

“Hey, you okay?” Natasha asked, catching Y/N’s elbow.

“What do you mean?” Y/N tilted her head to the side, brows furrowed.

“I don’t know,” Natasha said slowly, her gaze narrowing the longer she stared at Y/N. “You just seem… off today.”

“Oh.” She uttered simply. “Yeah. I’m good.”

Pulling her arm away from Natasha, Y/N wandered over to where Sam was now standing with Bucky. Their smile grew at the sight of her, both unaware of Y/N’s new behavior.

“Good morning sunshine!” Sam beamed at her, wrapping her up in a hug. Y/N let out a faint giggle as she hugged him back. Bucky grinned and tilted his head in greeting.

“Morning doll. You sleep okay last night? I didn’t hear your snores through the paper-thin walls last night.”  He teased, nudging her with his shoulder. Y/N huffed but surprisingly bit her tongue.

“Morning Bucky. Yeah, I slept fine.” Y/N shrugged, her face showing little to no emotions. “We ready to get started.”

Both men were stunned, completely thrown off by her sudden change. They shot Natasha a startled look, who could only shrug. She hadn’t the faintest idea either what happened. Y/N wasn’t supplying them with anything either, so all they could do was continue as if nothing was wrong. It didn’t mean they weren’t going to question her later of course.

Getting done with their training was odd, uncomfortable even. Y/N didn’t speak unless spoken to, and even then they were short simple answers. There was none of her usual spunkiness that fought back with each quip Sam sent her way. He even tried to rile her up, he almost pulled out all the stops in a hope to gain a reaction from her. But she didn’t move an inch. Bucky tried to get her to react when he threw a punch harder than necessary her way. They thought they had her, there was a spark of fury in her eyes after she picked herself up, but she quickly wiped the expression on her face.

In the end, Y/N went through the motions, doing what needed to be done without her usual flare. At one point, Wanda had even commented on how unusually quiet she had been. When Y/N left to head to the locker room, she cornered Bucky and Sam.

“What did you two do?” she hissed, jabbing a finger in Sam’s chest. He made a noise in the back of his throat offended at the accusation.

“What the hell makes you think we did anything?” Bucky crossed his arms across his chest. Wanda turned her narrow gaze to Bucky.

“Well. Something happened to her. And I know Natasha wouldn’t do anything to hurt her.”

“Oh and we would?” Sam snapped, shaking his head. “We didn’t do anything to her Wanda, she was like this when she came in.”

“He’s right.” Natasha interrupted, siding with the two men. “She’s been like this all morning. I have no clue why.”

The door the locker room opened, Y/N walking freshly out of the shower and a new change of clothes. She stopped short when she saw all four eyes locked on her across the room. Awkwardly, she waved to them before heading to the exit. Right as she reached it, Steve swung open the door, towel in hand. His steps faltered and a tight-lipped smile passed on her face.

The group couldn’t see her face from where they stood. All they could see was her nod her head once before stepping around Steve with a wide berth to head out the exit. Steve was left stunned. It wasn’t normal to not have his ear talked off when it came to Y/N. Blinking rapidly, he wandered over to Bucky, brows furrowed in confusion.

“What she say?” Wanda asked. Steve’s mouth fell open to answer but couldn’t find the right words.

“Uh… Nothing.” He shrugged.

“And you don’t find that strange?” Wanda asked the group, pinning each of them with her stare. Bucky bristled at the insinuation, his hands balling into fists.

“We never said it wasn’t. We just have no idea what’s wrong with her.” He snapped, stepping up with his back straighter and shoulders set. Wanda glared right back, red seeping into her eyes. Natasha wiggled her way between them, grumbling under her breath.

“Alright. Alright, enough.” She held her hands out to both, pushing them back. “Wanda, we have no clue what happened. Y/N walked in like this. It’s probably nothing and she’s just having an off day. Why don’t we just let whatever happened run its course and see how she is through the rest of the day. No point on biting each other’s heads off when we all did nothing wrong.”

The group grumbled their agreement, still not at ease with how the morning had turned. Steve was just as concerned as the rest. It was odd that she didn’t greet him with her megawatt smile when he walked in the gym, and it was odd how her face seemed to tighten at the sight of him. All he got this morning was a tight-lipped smiled before she ran out the door. What was even odder was the fact that she seemed to give him as much space as possible. As if she didn’t want to get too close.

Steve turned to the door, his brows creased and mouth in a tight line. Something was going on with Y/N, but who was he to worry about her?

~~~~~~~~

Things hadn’t gotten much better with Y/N over the next few days. She had stopped taking part in the loud discussions that always managed to start up in the kitchen or the living room. Her words were short and few in between, but she didn’t seem upset. Just much more subdued than usual. When someone would speak to her, so would she. But it was never the same volume as before.

Sam and Clint both made it their mission to get her to snap. They did everything from switching her sugar to salt in her coffee to going into her room and putting baby powder in her hair dryer. Nothing worked. She would just sigh and turn her back to them, shoulders tense. They thought she’d give up and go back to her old ways, but nothing worked. Not even Natasha could get her to admit what was wrong.

Steve, however, was taking her attitude change harder than the rest. Don’t ask him why he didn’t even know. He thought he’d prefer her at a lower decibel, he assumed she would be more manageable and easier to get along with. But this, this wasn’t what he thought it would be like. To him, it almost seemed creepy. This wasn’t the Y/N he had come to know. The wasn’t the same woman in the slightest. It was as if someone else swapped personalities with her.

Y/N hadn’t shown any improvement in her attitude in the field either. Actually, she seemed to be less productive now. One of the ways she managed to get people to confess was using her power and then releasing it. There she’d act like a good cop, bargaining with them for information and if they didn’t give her what she wanted, she’d switch her powers back on again. Now, she just threw herself into it. There was no build up, no false sense of security.

Just last week they needed information about the next hit Hydra ordered. They apprehended one of the agents and sent in Y/N to get out the information when he wouldn’t fess up. The team assumed the old Y/N would come out now that she was in the field. Instead, she walked in and used the full force of her powers on the man. She was already so powerful, but she had a strong grip on her control. When her power flared to life, even with the thick walls it suffocated everyone.

The agent instantly started sobbing, blubbering like a small child before it grew to mindless screaming for mercy. As it turns out, her power can actually break the human spirit and shatter their sanity into a thousand pieces. It only affected the man in front of her, but it still rattled the rest of the group. Steve was furious.

“What the hell was that?!” He snarled, dragging Y/N into a conference room. She blinked, her face unmoving despite the rage rolling off him in waves. Tony, Fury, and Maria both sat around the meeting table, their mouths pulled into thin lines. She tore her gaze away, refusing to look at anyone in particular as Steve raged on. “You ruined any chances of getting information out of him!”

“Actually Cap, she ruined any chance of him being a normal human being again,” Tony interjected, pulling up a hologram of the doctor's report. The mental status report had been sent in a few moments before Steve dragged her in. The poor man couldn’t remember his name let alone the information they needed.

Y/N pinched the bridge of her nose between her fingers and let out a heavy breath. When she opened them, their faces hadn’t changed a bit. Settling on a point at the table, the brief glimpse she caught of their expressions was burned in her mind. Steve was livid, Tony seemed borderline irritated with a hint of amusement, while Fury and Maria both had a hard expression that told her she was in for it for the next few weeks.

“Look. I’m sorry. I let a few personal matters get to me and clearly, I didn’t handle it well.” She said calmly. Steve flinched at how lifeless she sounded when she mentioned her personal matter and shot Tony a concerned look. Tony tilted his head in acknowledgment, he too aware of the pain she seemed to be suppressing. “I can’t promise it won’t happen again by accident, but I’ll make sure to put more training in to ensure it doesn’t.”

Fury shifted in his seat, folding his hands on his crossed knee. His single eye narrowed as he looked her over and gave her a curt nod.

“See that it doesn’t agent. Dismissed.” He said curtly. Y/N’s eyes fluttered shut for a spilt-second before she jerked her chin and spun at heel to leave the room. After the door shut behind her, Fury grunted.

“What did you people do to her?” He accused, leveling Steve and Tony with a stare. Both men frowned and glanced at the other.

“We didn’t do anything.” Tony snapped, narrowing his eyes. Steve set his hand on the back of a chair and sighed.

“She’s been like this for almost a week now. This is the first time she’s actually admitted something wrong.” Steve replied, his brows furrowing at the tightness in his chest at the idea. It wasn’t like Y/N to keep everything bottle up inside her like this.

“Well, whatever’s wrong with her, fix it,” Fury ordered. “She needs to be in complete control and that can’t happen when her minds on other things.”

Pushing back the chair he stood, Maria right behind him. Not waiting for a reply, he grabbed the folder off the desk and briskly left the room with Maria following. Steve flinched when the door snapped shut behind them. Tony scoffed.

“You can get rid of that sad puppy dog look, Captain.”

Steve frowned, his head snapping up to Tony.

“What’s with the tone, Tony?” He asked. Tony rolled his eyes and leaned back in his seat.

“We all know you don’t like Y/N, you put up a good front though.” He waved a hand absently. “But when you dart out of a room anytime she comes in, or you won’t sit to talk with her when she comes to find you, it gets pretty noticeable.”

Steve stood taller, his mouth drawing into a tight line. He opened his mouth to argue, but it dawned on him. He hadn’t been the most welcoming person to Y/N in the few months she’s been here. Was that really how everyone perceives him? Tony smirked and shook his head.

“To put it simply; you’ve been an ass to our Y/N, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was something you did.” Groaning softly under his breath, Tony stood and grabbed his tablet. Steve’s face fell, the notion her change might have been because of him made his stomach turn. Tony clapped a hand on his shoulder, his mouth pulled into a tight line. “Like Fury said, we’re going to fix this. But don’t worry. We won’t waste your precious time.”

At that, Tony left Steve alone in the conference room, the sting of his words lingering behind. Steve’s shoulder slumped. Maybe this had been his fault. But when? How? He really didn’t think it would have been that big of a deal to leave early after the game. Maybe he thought wrong and she did take it wrong. That wouldn’t mean this complete 180 though, would it? It wasn’t the first time he escaped a game night gone wrong, and she didn’t seem upset them. Perhaps it was something else. That had to be it. He really hadn’t done anything wrong, at least he didn’t think he did.

“Hey FRIDAY,” Steve called. Immediately, the AI system responded.

“Yes, Captain?”

“Go back to the last game night, the one with monopoly, did anything happen to Y/N between the time I left, and she went to bed?” He asked. Silence met him as the computer searched the data.

“No, it doesn’t seem like anything happened. She never left her room once she entered either.” FRIDAY replied. Steve frowned, even more, confused than before. So if there wasn’t anything that happened to her then what was with change?

Clenching his jaw, Steve knew he needed to get to the bottom of this. Not just as a Captain to his team, but as a way to make up for being such a shitty housemate. And maybe even as a way to start an actual friendship with him. Now that he’s seen this side of her, he realized how judgment and close-minded he was. He needed to find her and talk with her.

~~~~

Y/N had just stripped out of her suit and into her PJs when there was a hesitant knock on the door. She frowned. She wasn’t expecting anyone tonight, especially not after she just got her ass handed to her. Reluctantly she went to open the door and was surprised at the person on the other side.

Steve stood there awkwardly, his hands in his pockets. She blinked and took a step back.

“Uh… hi?” she greeted cautiously.  Steve smiled hesitantly and shifted from foot to foot.

“Hey. Can we talk?”

“W-Why?” She clutched on the handle and shifted behind the door in an attempt to hide behind it. Steve noticed and his smile fell. He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.

“I know I’m the last person you want to talk to. I’ve not been the most welcoming and I want to apologize. Can I please come in?” He asked earnestly. Y/N was caught off guard at his sincerity. Nodding numbly, she pulled the door open and let him in her room.

Steve glanced around the room, noticing the number of pictures she had hanging up on her wall, pretty fairy lights cascading down the walls illuminating each photo. Her comforter was a light lilac with stuffed animals on the bed. He eyed the little knickknacks matched the rest of her décor on her desks and shelves adding to the warmth and homey feel her room had. Realization hit him that he really hadn’t taken the time to get the real her.

“Go ahead and have a seat.” Y/N waved to the bed before sitting on the other end. Steve sank into the plush mattress, taking a moment to look over Y/N. She refused to make eye contact, to busy wringing her fingers together to notice him staring. Once again, he was struck by how beautiful she was, and how poorly he handled everything.

“Look Y/N, I don’t know what happened the past few days and why you’re acting different, but somethings changed. We all can see it.” He said. Y/N opened her mouth to argue but thought better of it. Steve continued on. “I don’t know what happened, but it hurts all of us to see you like this. It’s like you’ve lost a huge part of yourself and we’re seeing this empty shell. I mean, Sam and Clint both are losing their minds because what ordinarily would work on getting you riled up is doing nothing. And Bucky’s beside himself, Natasha and Wanda are worried sick, and Tony is pissed because-.” Steve stopped short, his face twisting into a pained expression. “He thinks I’m the reason.”

Y/N tensed, her breath catching in her throat. It was minuscule, but Steve caught it. He sat taller and his stomach sank.

“It is because of me.” He whispered sadly. He tore his eyes away from her to stare blankly at his hands. Y/N closed her eyes but didn’t deny it. “I’m sorry. I know I’ve not been accepting. I didn’t mean to hurt you though.”

Y/N nodded slowly, biting her lower lip as he kept talking.

“Truth is, you intimidate the hell out of me. I’ve never met someone who was so sure of themselves and so incredibly proud about it. You held nothing back and you’re so willing to put your heart on your sleeve, I kind of envy you a little. People loved you right of the bat and your just so sweet inside and out. I mean, you didn’t let anyone tell you to chill out before. Which leaves me to ask, why now? Why did I affect you so much that you changed everything about you?”

That caused Y/N’s face to heat up. No way was she going to admit it aloud! It was already embarrassing enough Steve knew he was a reason why she changed, but for him to know what the full reason was mortified her.

“Y/N.” He gently took her hand in his, the corners of his lips turned up. “You don’t have to tell me. I just want you to know that no matter what you think, I don’t hate you. I never did. Matter of fact, I really like you. More than I thought. It didn’t hit me how much I’d come to admire and appreciate your take on life until now. I miss hearing you bicker with Tony about the best brew coffee first thing in the morning or when you and Bucky gang up on Sam. I know Natasha and Wanda miss having their best friend. And game nights will never be the same without you threatening and then following through with flipping a table.”

Y/N giggled and ducked her chin. His grin grew, finally seeing a glimmer of her former self.

“I’m not asking you to forgive me for how I’ve behaved. I can only ask you’ll give me a chance to make up for being such a shitty person.” He grinned.

“Language, Captain.” Y/N teased.

“Is that ever going to die?” Steve groaned and rolled his eyes. “Wait you weren’t even there!”

“I know but hate to break it to you, it’s here for the long haul.” Y/N giggled and shook her head. Steve’s laughter joined hers, his smile stretching from ear to ear. He titled his head to the side after a beat before letting out a sigh.

“So, are you going to be okay?” He asked hopefully. Y/N let out a deep breath, for the first time all week feeling lighter. She was so drained from keeping her emotions in check, it took every ounce of her strength not to react to the attempts at making her snap. She knew it was ridiculous trying to change, but she really thought it was for the better. Turns out, it not only damaged her but everyone she loved.

“Yeah. I think I’ll be okay.” She spoke confidently. Steve patted her thigh and quickly stood.

“Good, because Tony discovered some new game called The Jackbox Party Pack or something along those lines.” He extended a hand and waited for her to take it.

“Wait, right now?” She asked surprised. He nodded and took her hand.

“Yup. Come on. Team bonding time.”

Y/N laughed, letting him pull her up and drag her out of the room. He looked at her over his shoulder, his breath catching in her throat at the way her face lit up from her grin. Turning back quickly, he hoped she didn’t notice the way his ears turned pink. He was an idiot for not taking the time to get to know her. He wasn’t going to ruin his chance with her a second time. Maybe it wasn’t going to easy, but for Y/N he knew it would be worth it.

Perma Tag: (CLOSED)

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Steve Tag: (Open)

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(Let me know if I missed you, the strike means I can’t tag you for some reason.)

[mooifyourecows]

im exhausted and had a breakdown over my math hw because my teacher doesnt explain shit and im honestly only looking forward to MC, even if it hurts me, im depending on that soon as i wake up tmrw morning to read it

Oh boy Anon I know what it's like to have a math teacher who doesnt teach. I had a pre-al teacher back in junior high who was on tenure and used that as an excuse to be bad at her job. Every day she would tell us to read the next chapter in the book and then do all the questions for that chapter. When we didnt understand the work (wow shocking, young teens can't teach themselves pre-al just by reading a textbook explanation) she would ask, "did you read the chapter?" And when we said yes, she would say, "read it again"

Like BITCH. WHAT ARE YOU EVEN GETTING PAID FOR??????

Needless to say, I decided that a class without a teacher is a class I dont need to participate in. So I never did the work and failed the class and the principal took me out of advanced courses. (Which I didnt care about tbh) But you know who did care?

That's right. My mommy.

She went in to the school to complain to the principal. He sided with his teacher and so she told him to check my ISATS (yay standardized state tests) scores in math. That year I just so happened to have really outdone myself, AKA I didnt want to go to class so I really took my time on the tests just so I could stay in the computer lab all day with snacks, and scored the highest math score in the school (feel free to think I'm a genius)(even though now I struggle to do basic division) and the principal was like, "oh" and slapped me back into advanced courses.

The dumbass teacher still had tenure though so she didnt get fired. I think she did get moved to a subject that kids could actually teach themselves if need be though. Like history or some shit.

Uhhhhh, but anyway, sorry to go off on a story about ME like that, I know I'm self centered, lmfao

HANG IN THERE BBY! I BELIEVE IN YOU! IF YOUR MATH TEACHER DOESNT TEACH, THEN FIND THEIR BOSS AND COMPLAIN! RALLY UP A BUNCH OF YOUR CLASSMATES! TEAR DOWN THE ESTABLISHMENT! AND IF THEY DONT LISTEN, THEN CHEAT!

THATS RIGHT! I SAID CHEAT.

DADDY MOO IS ENCOURAGING ALL YOU STUDENTS OUT THERE WITH SHITTY TEACHERS TO FUCK THE SYSTEM AND CHEAT YOUR WAY THROUGH BECAUSE IN THE GRAND SCHEME, CHEATING ON SOME STUPID MATH ASSIGNMENTS HURTS NOBODY AND THE CLAIM THAT IT DOES IS JUST A WEAK ATTEMPT ON MAKING KIDS FEEL BAD ABOUT THEMSELVES FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S SHORTCOMINGS, SO FUCK THE MAN AND CHEAT YOUR WAY THROUGH THAT HELLSCAPE BBY I SUPPORT YOU

[wiener-blut]

i was tagged by my bb @babypaulchen ages ago and now the time has come to finally do this shit!! i told u i was gonna do it Brig!!

rules: answer these 85 questions and tag 20 people (i wont tag anyone bc im doubting i even know 20 ppl on here lmao)

— what was your last…

1. drink: peach flavoured ice tea 2. phone call: my mom bc i asked her if shes interested in some hyacinth bulbs for her garden since the ones that stood in my room decayed 3. text message: to my cousin, setting a time where we can call and chat 4. song you listened to: actual surprise - its not Rammstein *ooohs and aaahs fly through the crowd* it was “The Schuyler Sisters” from Hamilton 5. time you cried: yesterday bc i had the worst fucking headache ever and i was being a whiny bitch

— have you ever…

6. dated someone twice: nope 7. kissed someone and regretted it: uhh no? 8. been cheated on: no 9. lost someone special: yes 10. been depressed: yes 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: yes, multiple times and ive come to the conclusion that throwing up makes me feel better afterwards like im back to being able to actually perveice my environment again lmao

— fave colours

12. black 13. pastel pink 14. actually i kinda love all colours idk

— in the last year have you…

15. made new friends: yes! 16. fallen out of love: no 17. laughed until you cried: yes, multiple times, good 18. found out someone was talking about you: like uh shittalking? idk so i guess not 19. met someone who changed you: uhhh kinda? 20. found out who your friends are: um well i found out that my friends are good friends and that i love them and that i dont want to miss any of them 21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list: what? u can “kiss” someone on facebook? lmao i didnt take a look on facebook for literally years .......man i had a massive brainlag here. i thought u can now “kiss” ppl on facebook like u can “poke” ppl on facebook and it didnt come to my mind this could mean “irl” lmao bury me IF it means irl tho, then yes

— general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl: pff idk man who the fuck still uses that shithole of a site anyways

23. do you have any pets: no but i had a super cute and fluffy bunny and i still miss him and think about him everyday also i plan on having half a farm and half a zoo in the future

24. do you want to change your name: not anymore; i used to hate my name bc its so outdated and the only answer i ever got on introducing myself was “hey my grandma has the same name isnt that funny” but then more and more people told me my name was pretty and unique and well now that im older (sounds like im 40 lmao) im even kinda fond of it

25. what did you do for your last birthday: umm uhh i guess i was studying for my exams lol but i remember my gf cooking an amazing dinner for me 💖

26. what time did you wake up today: uhhhhhh smth around 9am i think

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: actually sleeping for once bc that headache knocked me out completely

28. what is something you can’t wait for: fucking going to fucking Hamburg in fucking five fucking days

30. what are you listening to right now: the birds chirping outside

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom: yes i had a classmate named Tom........he was a bit strange tho.......

32. something that’s getting on your nerves: i cant think of anything rn

33. most visited website: Tumblr and Youtube

34. hair colour: natural? blonde / current? dyed it pink two weeks ago

35. long or short hair: long ass hair and i mean, literally, they reach all the way down to my hips

36. do you have a crush on someone: ohhhahahaha so, so many, one - and maybe the king of em all - being Christoph Schneider (not obvious at all cough cough)

37. what do you like about yourself: uhhhhhhhhhhh.........;;;;; i guess... uh... *insert more unintelligent noises* maybe my legs?

38. want any piercings: no, except for maybe some on my ear

39. blood type: 0 positive, i think

40. nicknames: Lily

41. relationship status: super duper gay af with @haifisch-ohne-traenen

42. sign: officially capricorn (i like to say “the last capricorn” bc it sounds like “the last unicorn” and well my birthday is on the last day that still counts as capricorn), but honestly im more of an aquarius

43. pronouns: she/her

44. fave tv show: i recently watched Grimm and the story was okay but the cast was like super adorable and i fell in love with every single one of them

45. tattoos: none. YET. i have plans for so much i just am very bad at deciding

46. right or left handed: right handed 47: ever had surgery: okay, small story time. there are these childrens books by german illustrator and author “Janosch” in which a tiger and a bear are best friends and i used to love those books. so once, tiger got ill (his stripes slipped out of place) and he needed to see the doctor. and the exact line was “soothing small shot, blue dream, surgery over, noticed nothing, tiger healthy”. and i once was in the hospital bc there was something wrong my nose (i dont remember what it was tho) and so they anaesthetized me (and my fav stuffie which i brough with me for mental support) and afterwards i told everyone of my “blue dream” and everyone was like ????? wtf kid bc they didnt know what i was talking about and it was just some months ago when i finally found out that a narcosis isnt called a “blue dream” and that i just knew this bc of this books which i adored and tbh i was like MY WHOLE LIFE IS A LIE “BLUE DREAM” IS AN ADORABLE TERM FOR IT 48. piercings: none 49. sport: i did ballet for 15 years and i still love to dance around the house and the mother of my best friend once called me cute bc i cant stand still and always spin around or stretch my toes while lifting my leg or do some pliés and tbh i wasnt even aware of that

50. vacation: uh...i love? lmao

51. trainers: umm like my shoes? mostly wearing my black doc martens

— more general

52. eating: i love me some good salad with tomatoes, mozzarella and tuna but ngl a pizza margherita could beat that salad any time. or a nice ragout fin. or mac’n’cheese. i love food in general, okay

53. drinking: i’d kill for a tequila rn. but like non-alcoholic beverage - plain water, yes thank u

54. i’m about to watch: some movie with my gf which we havent decided on yet

55. waiting for: my gf to return home from work so i can smooch her pretty face

56. want: to cuddle honestly

57. get married: since its legal in germany for some months now... idk tbh, its not smth i debate about on a daily basis

58. career: um i have a vague plan for becoming a speech pathologist but yea... its very vague

— which is better

59. hugs or kisses: hugs

60. lips or eyes: gotta say eyes

61. shorter or taller: i dont care actually

62. older or younger: um sweats loudly...... older (fun fact i recently calculated the average age of my celebrity crushes....yes i was bored.... and it resulted in 50.... well.....)

63. nice arms or stomach: arms, fucc me up

64. hookup or relationships: relationships

65. troublemaker or hesitant: me? kinda both

— have you ever

66. kissed a stranger: no 67. drank hard liquor: yes 68. turned someone down: not really?

69. sex on first date: nope

70: broken someone’s heart: probably

71. had your heart broken: uh yea...kinda

72. been arrested: no

73. cried when someone died: yes, im a whiny bitch so i cry easily

74. fallen for a friend: yeah binch im dating that lovely ho right now... im gonna leave Brig’s answer here bc its perf and same here

— do you believe in

75. yourself: ugh

76. miracles: i want to

77. love at first sight: no

78. santa claus: i want to lol but no

79. angels: fuck yes

— misc

80. eye colour: blue-gray-green-ish mud 81. best friend’s name: Dana

82. favourite movie: so? much? i cant decide, really

83. favourite actor: Tom Hiddleston, i love this british dork, lemme tell u

84. favourite cartoon: phuh, idk i dont really watch cartoons

85. favourite teacher’s name: SWEATS LOUDLY AND AGGRESIVELY i had two massive teacher crushes back in my school days and that makes me a bit biased but im gonna say Herr Wolf was a great teacher bc he always said “hey, astronomy’s a minor subject, the test won’t be hard and i wont give u homework, u guys concentrate on math, german and english” and tbh we need more teachers like that

[staycute1234]

hi i really love you so much and this is my first time sending you an ask hahaha. So uhm can you do an hc where jm is afraid of commitments but jk promised he won't hurt him. And jm at first was afraid because jk's known for playing around with everyone. But he fell inlove with him when he saw that jk really has changed. But then one day he saw jk kissing a girl. They broke up and after 6 months they met again. With a lot of angst please and ending depends on you :) ty again and i love you!

+ "Lets date ." Jungkook says sitting next to Jimin at one of the outside tables by thr libaray. Jimin looks up in shock as Jungkook smiles at him.+ "No. I'm sorry." Jimin says softly before turning back to his work. Jungkook frowns as he shakes his head in confusion. "Why not?" "Well for starters you're not shy from two timing Jungkook." Jimin says typing on his lap top "and I just don't... do relationships."+ "That two timing thing happened when I was younger. I'm a new man Jimin." Jungkook says. Jimin sighs as he pauses his typing. Jimin looks at Jungkook. "I can't commit ok, espiecally if I have doubts. Sorry Jungkook, just drop it."+ Jungkook scoffs and walks off, leaving his science partner behind. Jimin sighs before going back to work. Jungkook paces by his dorms as he rubs his chin. "I'm just going to have to prove myself to him. Show him in serious."+ Jungkook cut out partying and campus was in a uproar about it. Jungkook never missed a party, he was the life of it! Jungkook groans as he looks through classmates snap chat stories, it looked lit. However, he stayed back to finish up his side of the project so when Jimin meets him later he is impressed with his work. Also asks for another date, cause not going to the party showed Jimin he is a new man!+ "people don't change over night Jungkook." Jimin says with a frown. Jungkook matches him while Jimin looks away twirling his pencil. "Just one act, that won't sway me."+ Jungkook works out to pump his frustration out. But if Jimin wants more then one act, then he will show him. No more partying, period. Jungkook cut that out, even didnt talk to his fellow party goers as much. No more drinking and no more weed. Sex? What is sex? All hook ups and booty calls are disconnected from him, cause Jungkook has his eyes on Jimin.+ Jungkook spends time studying, making sure he is in view of Jimin who also study's on these party nights. Jimin frowns as he sees Jungkooks phone keep flashing but the younger ignores it. Jimin smiles softly and shakes his head.+ 30 days, and nothing. Jungkook has changed his whole schedule, turn down offers of sin, study his ass off, fuck even volunteer at the soup kitchen and nothing with Jimin. Jungkook wakes up and does his new routine like clock work for another five days.+ "So, that date." Jungkook looks up in shock from his laptop to Jimin smiling shyly down at him. "Is it still available?" Jungkook blinks before smiling "yeah."+ The date is perfect, they laugh and have a great time. Jungkook even walks Jimin to his apartment steps, their Good night was a hug before the split, shocking Jimin who expected Jung Kook to try to score. + Trust grew after that along with more dates. And they where happy. Jimin giggle as Jungkook whispers to him a joke. God does he love Jimin's laugh. The most they have done is hold hands and hugs, shocking Jimin cause it seems like the brat is letting him set the pace. Jimin smiles when he thinks about it. Jungkook is such a good guy.+ Jungkook and Jimin where hanging out when Taehyung bounce over with a smile. "Soooo we are having a big blow out for Mingu's birthday. Since this is his last year. I know you two dont really party but since he is a good friend to all of us I figured you'd come?"+ Jungkook and Jimin wished they didnt come. Jungkook ended up slipping back into his natural party boy life for just one moment. Jungkook took one to many shots and Jimin watch him spiral down. Jimin looks away for one moment, finding a bathroom and when he comes back, Jungkook is kissing a girl. Jimin sobs on the spot before running away. Jungkook is cheering with others who are unaware of what happened, but Taehyung chases after Jimin while Hoseok pulls Jungkook aside to scold him.+ "Jimin, we need to talk." Jungkook pleas chasing Jimin down 3 says after the party. "Baby please lets-" "Don't you baby me Jeon Jungkook!" Jimin turns around furiously before jabbing Jungkook's chest "you fucking cheated! End of story! You just couldn't help but take my trust and smash it against her lips!" "It was a mistake!" Jungkook says "I dont even remember her! I was drunk, if I wasn't-"+ "oh, so being drunk makes it ok right!? No, what I think happen was that you wanted me, so you made a whole show to get me to fall for you! Guess What! It did! I let my guard down cause i was so sure you changed! But you're still a player! So once you had me you figure you didnt have to play good boy anymore! Well fuck you Jeon Jungkook!" Jimin screams shoving Jungkook "Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! I wish I never partnered up with you in science!" + After that Jungkook felt a void in his chest. So deep Jungkook sobbing in his room, ignoring the phone going off beside him of worried friends. Jungkook stayed in his room for a few days, texting Jimin to reconsider ever couple of hours. Jimin leaves him on read and Jungkook's throat feels raw.+ " I fucked up." Jungkook whispers a week later with a soju bottle in hand as Yoongi lights a blunt next to him. "I fucking... I should have never drank that much. We should have never gone in the first place." Yoongi groans as he passes the weed over. "You kissed someone, that's on you. Winning back Jimin's trust isn't easy and maybe impossible. But try it's better then you crying every ten minutes."+ It doesn't work. Nothing does. Jungkook tried his best to get close to Jimin again. Even if it's just tollerence, but Jimin doesn't budge. Jungkook finds himself fading as Jimin ignores him, blocks him, avoids him. Jungkook spirals down in his room, bottles and blunt wrappers the only thing keeping him going.+ Jimin graduates and Jungkook sobs in his room, wishing he could of saved them when Jimin was still here.+ Jungkook doesn't see Jimin again until five years later down town at some bar. Jungkook walk in with a couple friends from work, while Jimin was huddle around co workers who are celebrating a win in their department. Jungkook stares in awe as Jimin smiles brightly as his co workers. Jimin is still beautiful and Jungkook feels his chest tighten again.+ Jungkook excuses himself to the bathroom when Jimin goes. Jungkook feels nervous, always thinking of Jimin every once in a while. How long it took him how to get over Jimin (1 year) or get to a point where he didn't want to cry. To letting the make fade to the background of his mind before moments make him think of him. Jungkook wonders how Jimin will react to seeing him. Happy? Sad? Angry?+ Jungkook walks in to see Jimin leaning against the counter with his phone out, texting something. Jungkook holds his breath when Jimin looks up and puts his phone away. "Jungkook, it's been a long time." Jimin says holding out his hand. Jungkook nods while he grips Jimin's hand. It's soft like it was in the past, when it was his to hold.+ "To long." Jungkook says softly. Jimin eyes shift before the elder pulls his hand away slowly. "You got into the computer engineering you wanted?" Jungkook asks. Jimin smiles and nods. "I did, and You? Did you get into marketing like you wanted?" "Not quite, I'm doing graphic design." + There is a pause as they both take each other in. Jimin nods as he crosses his arms. "Right, well, it was nice seeing you again Jungkook." Jimin says making his way to the door and Jungkook feels a wave of panic he use to have when Jimin left the first time.+ "Lets date?" Jungkook spits out, surprising both of them. Jimin turns to face Jungkook who is blushing. "I mean... let's stay in touch?" Jimin pauses as he fiddles with the door handle. "Last time, you cheated." "It's been five years since. I'm not the same college fuck up." Jungkook says shaking his head looking at Jimin "and I just....couldnt handle fucking us up again."+ Jimin turns to Jungkook who seems to be holding back tears. Jimin looks him over again before facing the door. Jungkook hold his breath ready for Jimin to walk out of his life once again. Jimin turns around to Jungkook.+ "ok... but not a date. Just two friends catching up." Jimin says. Jungkook looks up in shock and Jimin seems to bite his lower lip in hesitation. Jungkook nods. "Ok...ok yeah. That sounds good."+ The next week they meet up at the bar. Then keep meeting up and keep meeting up until Jimin breaks the silence to ask Jungkook to be his. Jungkook says yes.

[reactingtosomething]

Reacting to Friends from College

I Write and I’m Never Sad

The Setup: It’s a dream comedy cast. Keegan-Michael Key and Cobie Smulders lead the ensemble, Fred Savage does cocaine, and guest appearances include Billy Eichner playing against type and Kate McKinnon playing very much to type. So there was a lot of excitement in our film school cohort about Netflix’s original series Friends from College.

Then it premiered, and, well, maybe you saw the critical response. Like 69 percent of critics, our friend Adam was extremely not impressed. But Marchae, whose default response to comedy is extreme side-eye, loved it. An argument ensued in the group video messaging app Marco Polo (which we heartily endorse), and Marchae threw down the Guest Reactor gauntlet, so here we are.

Post-chat notes from Kris (who was somewhere in between, but closer to Adam) are in italics.

SPOILERS for the entire first season of Friends from College after the jump.

MARCHAE: So I know you had strong opinions about Friends from College.

And I guess we can start there

ADAM: That would be a bit of an understatement. I would like to know your opinion first. I need to see if I’m missing something.

MARCHAE:  Well I really LOVED it. I thought it was smart 

HILARIOUS 

And I was delighted to see people kind of stuck in the throws of yesteryear while simultaneously trying to move forward and be productive

I also liked that it doesn't matter how adult you think you are you're always trapped somewhere between 13 and 23

ADAM: But here’s the thing

These are a bunch of affluent people that are afraid that they aren’t as cool as they think they are.

Just a bunch of

Can I swear on here?

MARCHAE: You may 

That almost didn't bother me because they are so flawed

ADAM: But they aren’t flawed in an empathetic way

The audience does not have to sympathize with them, but they should at least have some sort of empathy for what is going on in their life.

Not to mention the complete tonal shifts that occur throughout the season

MARCHAE: Ok time out. I did feel bad for them sooo often 

Infertility 

A failing marriage 

Failing career and sexual harassment at work 

AWFUL 

and it's a dramedy 

I appreciated the antics 

And I DO NOT generally appreciate comedies very much 

So hats all the way off and in the air for Friends from College

KRIS: Marchae’s case here has been that because she doesn’t like comedies, anything that makes her laugh must be EXTRA funny. But I think this is faulty reasoning, and that if you are a fan of things Marchae does not find funny, you are likely not be a fan of the things she does.

The golden exception here, of course, is Sweet/Vicious, which she rightly adores.

ADAM: When whats her face [Sam] was at therapy talking about how she wants to blow her life, THEN turns around and says, “No don’t wreck my life.”

[SPOILERS coming for I guess the first like five minutes of the show]

To Keagan Michael Key [Ethan] when he wants to come clean about the affair makes me angry

MARCHAE: Sam and Ethan 

But I think it's supposed to make you kind of angry 

But you know they are miserable 

It's kind of like the payment they get for having, excuse my language, dicked their partners around

ADAM: The creators watched shows like Casual, Difficult People, You’re the Worst, Girls and tried to replicate that form. They are doing it because they think people want unlikeable characters.

MARCHAE: Simultaneously it's kind of a tragic love story 

I don't find them entirely unlikable though

ADAM: A show like You’re The Worst has terrible fucking people in it, but when everything boils down to the core there is some humanity in them.

With Friends From College these characters are just plain terrible trying to justify that they aren’t terrible.

K: Caroline Framke at Vox called it a bad show about worse people

MARCHAE: I don't think they are terrible!!!! 

Lisa isn't

Tell me how Lisa is terrible?!?!

K: I will agree I don’t actually think Lisa is terrible, or at least unlike the others she’s never actively insufferable

They are all kind of midlife crisis

ADAM: Which one is Lisa again?

MARCHAE: Married to Ethan (Keegan Key)

ADAM: She sleeps cheats on her husband

MARCHAE: *Sighs*

She explains why and of those cheating she actually has the "most justifiable" reason

K: She does immediately regret it and almost-immediately come clean, and Ethan takes the opportunity to be Generously Forgiving instead of coming clean like he’d planned, which makes him King Asshole

ADAM: She forces Ethan to break into a pharmacy

MARCHAE: Because SHE WANTS A BABY

K: This is one of the only storylines I like, because it lets Smulders do some actually great dramatic acting. But I wouldn’t even call it an arc, because it never feels resolved so much as dropped halfway through the season.

ADAM: And ruins Felix’s birthday surprise

MARCHAE: and it's funny

ADAM: So what

MARCHAE: I think it is a study in the absurdity of being privileged 

They do whatever they want 

And have minimal consequences until there are consequences 

While the show comments to that it does so using HUMOR 

So I personally feel like you should have laughed

Hard

And often

ADAM: It’s privileged assholes with a token black friend

K: Hey now, they also have an Asian friend. Who arguably feels more like a token than Ethan. 

But I don’t know that I’d charge the show with tokenism; or at least, the cross-section feels pretty familiar to me, as Expensive New England Liberal Arts College demographics go.

MARCHAE: (Ok you have a point there) 

Ethan also notes that in one episode by making a remark about what black men can't do

I really think it's a social commentary

ADAM: Social commentary on what

MARCHAE: The fact that privileged people can do whatever they want with few repercussions and that their problems are clearly as the kids say #firstworld 

I mean come on 

These people know all the right people they aren't terribly efficient or socially prepared to be in the world yet they all make it 

And that's how the world works 

And I think the show knows it

K: But how is it a commentary? It shows privilege, but that’s not the same thing.

ADAM: I wouldn’t say they make it. When it’s handed to them

MARCHAE: No they are all surviving and thriving there 

Sam has her fancy job 

I still don't entirely know what she does (I have to rewatch) 

K: I think she sells furniture?

Nick is a trust fund baby 

AND THEY ALL WENT TO HARVARD

K: But the creators/showrunners also went to Harvard, and no one in the show is anything but affectionate about it, and I never get critique vibes at all as opposed to maybe some self-congratulatory vibes. Which would be totally fine! If the show was better.

ADAM: There is no true arc to these characters either

MARCHAE: it's great they're lives suck and they have it all 

DONT EVEN 

they dooooo

(Well some of them)

Explain though

ADAM: Sam wants to keep her perfect life does not feel guilty about cheating

Fred Savage just keeps doing what he is doing even after his partner (the only good thing about the show) leaves him

Nat Faxon floats in and out of episodes to be a comedic partner for Colby Smulders

K: And the main ostensible arc, of Ethan and Sam reckoning with their affair, is very deliberately not resolved, in a weirdly abrupt series ending

MARCHAE: I beg to differ we do see Sam finally realize she's wrong -and Max (Savage) does change a bit and we see the evolution of him kind of realizing: wait these folks might be ruining my life 

Nat’s character I WILL give you

ADAM: He NEVER realizes that

MARCHAE: He doooeeeessssssss

He does we know he does he says it all when he's drunk 

And also admits he might have a crush on Ethan

ADAM: He threw a temper tantrum at the end when they weren’t doing the bill Clinton musical

MARCHAE: He did and that musical was hilarious 

Admit that much at least

ADAM: We never saw the musical

MARCHAE: We saw a number from it 

Did we watch the same show?

K: Even the show thinks the musical is terrible

ADAM: Clearly not

Can we talk about how the tone always shifts?

MARCHAE: I didn't think so 

But go maybe I'll change my mind I'm flexible

ADAM: The two big stand outs are the wine tasting tour

And the one where they go back to Harvard

The wine tasting tour especially

The let’s get them all drunk and see what happens

K: I agree about the tonal inconsistency, and also particularly hate this episode, except the very end when Felix tells Max the group’s whole deal is pathetic. I want to like this episode because it seems to know that it should be told from Felix’s point of view, but it mostly doesn’t come across that way. It’s just a lot of insufferable antics, with some Lisa angst interspersed.

I think it also with the uneven performance by Keegan Michael Key

The director/creator never really knew how to work with him

At moments he’s just doing impressions and voices that you would see on Key and Peele then he’s this starving unappreciated writer

MARCHAE: The impressions were a personality flaw that they explain in the first or second episode 

K: Lampshading is not the same as justifying! Just because there are some lines about it doesn’t mean it works.

I loved the Harvard episode

K: I wanted to, for reasons that will be obvious to our former classmates, but I feel like they crammed two A-stories in under half an hour and neither Harvard nor the Caymans got enough real-estate

ADAM: They threw Kate McKinnon in there to be this weird YA author

I know that, but he is doing them at weird times

MARCHAE: It's his tick. They call him on it too

I could have honestly done without Kate 

It was weird. I'll give you that one 

K: I didn’t hate it, but I also don't keep up with SNL so maybe my Kate McKinnon oversaturation point is just way different from everyone else’s

His voice impressions were supposed to be anytime he was angry or disagrees with something. I think it added levity to some of the more stressful moments

ADAM: I liked how they poked fun at YA and the twist with Wolf Trials

K: But our readers may appreciate this Mary Sue article defending YA

MARCHAE: HA!

MARCHAE: but i feel like there was so much to like there

ADAM: Here’s a question: In two parts. Sam and Ethan got together when they were Freshmen right?

MARCHAE: yup i think so ( I feel like now I have the PLEASURE of going back to rewatch)

ADAM: Ethan and Lisa got together when he was a Senior and she was Freshmen

MARCHAE: yeah

ADAM: Sam explains they kept having these flings why didn’t they just stay together?

MARCHAE: I honestly thought the same thing - however, I assumed it was because she said whenever they are together she makes poor choices

ADAM: I mean shit, he carved their initials into his dorm wall

MARCHAE: RIGHT!

I will say I questioned the same thing many many many many times and if it was anything that bugged me that was kind of it

ADAM: Smart thing to do is that they never got together in college and are now doing it

MARCHAE: AGREED on that front

ADAM: That speaks to the unevenness of the story

MARCHAE: I think I explained it kind of like they are magnetic for each other ( I don’t necessarily mean it romantically though)

K: Does the show ever really sell this? I don’t think it gives Annie Parisse enough to work with as Sam.

ADAM: They NEVER explain why they didn’t just stay together

MARCHAE: they can’t not be together. Although I probably assigned more of a narrative to the relationship than the show provided

ADAM: its possible because the creators did not. It seems like a pretty big plot device to really overlook

MARCHAE: I think we are supposed to assume that they were each others one who got away yet never got away because they are all still very much good friends?

K: We shouldn’t have to assume!

ADAM: Also, if he writes these critical acclaimed books why is he so sad?

MARCHAE: CAUSE WRITING IS SAD

You know this

I know this!

ADAM: i write and I’m never sad

K: Wait what

MARCHAE: LOL

I think it’s been awhile since his last well received publication. he’s in a bit of a dry spell is how I read it…

(I feel like you’re making me question what I liked about this show?!?!?!)

(Suddenly I’m like wait a minute?)

ADAM: isn’t that the point?

I took it that he is coming off of another critically acclaimed novel that no one is buying because print is dead, and he’s pissed because he wants Harry Potter money

MARCHAE: I totally didn’t get that at all! I thought he didn’t want to be like that at all... he’s into Literature and Max knows that that’s where the money is and Max’s reputation is on the line as well. I think that Ethan would be happy writing his broody novels featuring a teen

ADAM: Ok I would say that it is Max pulling the strings on that

If I had several books that many critics loved I would be happy because I know that it will live on through the ages and be taught in freshmen lit classes

K: I grant this given the additional condition that Ethan is obviously not hurting for money, whether it’s because of his own sales or because of Lisa’s career. But if I had only critical acclaim and had trouble supporting myself I would not be happy

It goes back to my argument of these are not interesting people

Just because they’re dicks does not make them interesting

K: EXACTLY. It’s not good enough in prestige drama, and it’s definitely not good enough in a comedy that wants to be feel-good at least some of the time.

MARCHAE: I think he had two... and when you have some fame you always want more

THEY ARE INTERESTING. don’t you want to know the answers to all of the questions you’ve posed? Why did Sam and Ethan just not stay together?

K: The show should have answered all these questions by the end of the season, because they’re mostly not plot mysteries, they’re essential to character motivation.

ADAM: I don’t think it will get a second season

MARCHAE: What happens with Felix and Max?

IT BETTER!!!! I legitimately thought it was hilarious

it reminded me of Melvin Goes to Dinner

ADAM: I haven’t seen Melvin Goes to Dinner so I cannot relate

MARCHAE: Watch it..it’s a great little indie flick

ADAM: I will

MARCHAE: So what did you like about it

ADAM: Can I say one more thing about the non interesting part then I will say what I liked about it.

MARCHAE: go for it

ADAM: These are white collar people, living in upper crust urban areas, with country houses worrying about how they can keep their upper crust life when they are the ones who put themselves in this situation

MARCHAE: and it’s all falling apart (also Ethan and Sam Lisa are living on Marianne’s couch)

ADAM: meh. I will say this:

MARCHAE: MEH! ADAM come on!!!

ADAM: Even though I had my thoughts on Lisa she is the most interesting person on that show

K: YES

MARCHAE: BOOM!!!

I like Sam too. I think she’s the most complicated character

ADAM: Well and Felix because Billy Eichner plays a great straight man

She’s the most real

Billy Eichner does a great straight man which is different from his normal routine.

Nat Faxon has the best one liners. But I think that is Nat Faxon and not the writers

K: Everyone should watch the short-lived Ben and Kate, also starring a pre-50 Shades Dakota Johnson. But I think Marianne had the best one-liners.

Because Nat Faxon is actually a talented writer

K: With director Alexander Payne and fellow comedy actor Jim Rash, Faxon won a Best Adapted Screenplay Oscar for The Descendants.

That’s all I somewhat enjoyed, but that’s not enough when the show clearly hinges on Ethan and Sam.

MARCHAE: WOW!

I thought that Sam was great. I liked not knowing what the heck had happened at some points... think about it

when we meet people we only know what we know about them from that moment forward - anything else is their retelling of it - so it was nice to not know and try to figure it out

ADAM: Not knowing what?

What are we not knowing?

MARCHAE: I think Sam’s psychology as well as the how and why she and Ethan stayed together

ADAM: She has no problem fucking around and screwing over Lisa when she knows Ethan and Lisa are trying to conceive

MARCHAE: No that doesn’t make her likable but it does make her complicated

ADAM: Plus she would rather cheat on her husband, who all accounts loves and adores her, he threw her that amazing birthday party, than have Ethan say something and ruin her life

MARCHAE: (btw I think what she did was WRONG on so many levels and I wanted to fight her...she was selfish and needed to be punched and I was sad Lisa never did it)

ADAM: She would just rather ruin everyone else’s life

MARCHAE: I think her husband loves the idea of her and her family but she is selfish that makes her complicated

ADAM: She’s not complicated

She’s spoiled

MARCHAE: But I think she might be there has to be something going on that makes a person say hey I know I make bad choices when I am with person X 

and engage in illicit behavior but I am going to keep doing it

I found myself the whole show trying to figure her out

K: I don’t think this is to the show’s credit, though, I think it’s evidence that the show fails to flesh her out or make her internally coherent.

ADAM: I just kept yelling at her

She deserves NOTHING!

MARCHAE: Oh my god! But that’s what I mean we don’t know how she got there

ADAM: Yes we do

She couldn’t/wouldn’t be with Ethan so she married a rich guy, but still realized that she wanted Ethan and would sleep with him every time she visited.

MARCHAE: LOLOL

ADAM: Then instead of breaking things off when Ethan moved to NY she kept at it

MARCHAE: But we don’t know WHY she couldn’t or wouldn’t, which is the FUN of the character but tried to get help

ADAM: But she does not want her privileged life to go away and still wants to fuck around

MARCHAE: but like I said they are magnetic for each other

she doesn’t want to lose her kids

K: But Sam just keeps saying this, and we don’t ever see her interact with her kids in a meaningful way -- even in the Harvard episode, which would’ve been great for that -- or see how incredible the life is that she would lose. It’s the opposite of Show Don’t Tell! But also, if they actually showed her incredible life, she’d be even harder to empathize with.

ADAM: I don’t care for the why on that deep of a level

MARCHAE: she’d still be very much privileged

and I think that’s kind of the cool thing,  cool being relative,  is that it is going to implode on them. And it’s going to be epic when it does. And we will watch and laugh

ADAM: Doubtful because I don’t think it will get renewed

MARCHAE: SMH

ADAM: https://www.rottentomatoes.com/tv/friends_from_college/s01/

http://www.refinery29.com/2017/07/163100/friends-from-college-ethan-sam-cheating-infidelity-

MARCHAE: AUDIENCE SCORE 55%!!!

ADAM: That’s an F

MARCHAE: see that’s the problem - don’t base your opinion on the critics

that’s over half and there are a lot of things that win with just over half

ADAM: I’m not

MARCHAE: LOTS

ADAM: I watched it

MARCHAE: *sighs*  look I am onboard to stick around next season and I feel like in that season they will explore some of the why’s that we need in order to feel more “complete” if you will

K: THEY SHOULD TELL A COMPLETE STORY IN ONE SEASON

ADAM: I’ll watch it see the train wreck that it will be. IF they bring it back

MARCHAE: They WILL bring it back and you and I will be right back here AGAIN.

Anything else you want to mention about how much you LOVED the show?

ADAM: If you want, I can include all the reviews that agree with me that hate it

Ok you asked what I liked. What didn’t you like?

MARCHAE: that would be hilarious. Do it

Well I thought it was hilarious for one thing. just the sheer level of immaturity

I also appreciated seeing folks questioning their lives at this age

ADAM: I think that’s a played out trope

MARCHAE: in theory they are “supposed to” have it all together and they don’t

I think we see it in movies like Sisters or what’s the one with the guys

the man gets a face tat 

K: The Hangover? 2, maybe?

but I don’t think we see it with a group of people just trying to be somewhat functional and live their lives

Sam Lisa and Ethan are for all practical purposes homeless

we don’t know why they have enough money for IVF but can’t buy a house but who cares

K: ME

they are a hot mess

and i think that’s what I appreciated is that it was a hot mess

and your clothes can look nice

and your job be great and you are still at the end of the day unhappy and wanting more

and you are fumbling to figure out how to get to that point

and that you do it at 20, 30, 40 and they’ll still be at it at 50 or 60

that no one is actualized enough to be transparent enough to say: YOU MAKE ME UNHAPPY. but we fall into this routine of doing things because we are supposed to...they are supposed to be friends

supposed to marry the guy with all the money

supposed to have kids

and it’s all crumbling because they are ultimately toxic for one another

that’s fun to watch!

K: This is a very eloquent case for the show in theory, but I just don’t see it in practice. I think you’re doing a lot of the heavy lifting for the show. I’m glad it works for you, but I don’t think that’s how madcap ensemble comedies are supposed to function.

ADAM: This whole I’m turning 40 mid life crisis thing does not entertain me.

Especially when you have these well off people. It’s like the Breakfast Club. I hate that movie

A bunch of whiny teens with no real problems, other than Bender.

MARCHAE: but those are kids.  watching adults still fumble isn’t terrible to me especially those who are doing the most

(Also i thought it was HILARIOUS)

ADAM: Wait did you think it was hilarious?

MARCHAE: The whole thing!

I thought it was witty. There were literally points where I laughed out loud

The vineyard

The brainstorm at Max and Felix’s

The throwing of the chair though the pharmacy

ADAM: That is the directors asking Ethan to do Key and Peele shit

MARCHAE: it’s funny though

K: I hated all of these things because they’re just free-standing slapstick sequences, and didn’t feel motivated by the story.

now to speak to some of the things you didn’t like

I would have liked a bit more drama

(but I prefer drama to comedy 7 out of 7 days of the week...)

I also wanted more backstory somehow about WHY these people are still friends

so I don’t think it was perfect

but it was easily one of the better things I’ve watch for a comedy in a while

barring like Insecure

ADAM: That seems like a pretty big concern

MARCHAE: I can usually forgive it if the characters are interesting...WHICH THEY WERE

and I think we will be explained more of that in SEASON 2!

ADAM: I don’t have faith in that

MARCHAE: 😟

Do you have anything else you want to add about this show that you ...er... love so much 😊  

(Also I swear if it gets a season 2 we. will. react.)

K: I actually will not be surprised if it gets a second season, assuming the cast is in. It doesn’t seem cheap to shoot but it’s also relatively limited in its locations.

ADAM: I swear to react IF it gets a second season

MARCHAE: YES!!!

ADAM: I don’t think I have really anything else to say about these boring people

K: And you guys never even touched on Marianne, Jae Suh Park’s character. Maybe because she’s barely a character. Park gave killer readings to her one-liners (“Has it ever worked?” “Not to my knowledge.”), and I personally would love to see her in more things. But every time it seemed like she might have an actual story, it fizzled out pretty much immediately. Plus a lot of her New Agey GOOP bullshit seems like it should’ve come from an insufferable white lady, not the show’s only Asian character.

MARCHAE: had to get one last dig in didn’t ya? 

Well I say this has been a joy!!!

ADAM: It really has

Maybe next time we can react to something we agree on...

Like Die Hard

MARCHAE: YESSSSS!!!!!!

Let’s plan for this!

ADAM: Whenever wherever

Kris was agitating for a Marchae-Adam Die Hard reaction even before Friends from College came up, and would endorse an ongoing Marchae and Adam React to the 80s series. Expect to see more from Adam in the not-too-distant future! And we have yet another excellent Guest Reactor on deck, so you might want to brush up on your X-Men cartoons...

In the meantime, you can follow us on Twitter, where Kris retweets a lot of critics, screenwriters, and actors in between posting Reactions.

[argaliaofficial]

i started typing this earlier but then had to go to work so now im just gonna finish it so i get it off my chest

back when i was with my first ex, meg, we went to this private christian school i prolly made a post about this on here before but its topical right now i didnt sleep at all and im tired enough to spill my fucking guts out some more 

so anyway we went to this private christian school and thats when it happened. ive honestly repressed a lot of my time there i was not doing great but what i do remember just makes me feel sick. like, meg aside, the school just sucked. 

for context the way it was set up was that we had “placement tests” to see where we were in subjects like math and english, and however we did made us get placed in PACEs according to our skill level. in theory this is fine i suppose, but the thing was that there were no alternatives to the PACEs. 

PACEs were part of the learning curriculum of our school which was ACE- Accelerated Christian Learning. they were basically little study pamphlets that went over instructions on how to learn certain subjects and whatnot, while also having a christian perspective on things. scripture verses were abundent in them, and they had like a continuous series of comics going in there about their character Ace Virtuson and friends. 

Along with the PACEs, the classrooms were set up like an “office” of sorts with cubicles that you sat in. For me honestly that was one of the many hells because it was so cramping and clinical and I just do not learn well in that sort of environment. so you’d sit quietly for like 8 hours a day with occassional breaks with nothing but your PACE pamphlets to work on. you couldnt speak to any body, and if you needed help, there was a flag system in place where you’d put a flag up and have to sit around and wait for a teacher to come assist you, and usually their assistance only lasted briefly because theres countless OTHER students to get to, and nepotism is a thing and if they dont like you or think of you as a problem kid, you’re less likely to get the aid you need.

i was one of those problem kids. 

early on, i could manage that set up when my work was easier, but when i hit “high school age” and got into more advance work i began to suffer horribly. it didnt help that at this time, i got with meg, but less about her right now and more about how this school system fucking failed me and others tbh 

i do not learn by reading information. at least, i dont retain it. i need to discuss with people, with my peers and professors. i need one on one sometimes, especially with math- my biggest struggle. but how the school was set up made that sort of learning almost impossible. your peers were all at different levels, so group discussion was rare. their were attempts, but they never lasted long, and the extent of the help basically surmounted to the teachers just reading what the PACEs already said and vaguely explaining more, and that blew. 

so, me, being a hands on group learner who has to talk and listen to even retain information and needs to be allowed to move around often instead of being cramped up, started to fall behind in my studies. badly. and of course, instead of the teachers trying to asses WHY it was you were falling behind, you got written up and had to have your parents sign a slip. you could get written up for a few things and these were always detentions of sorts. usually they were lunch but if you were bad enough you’d get an after school one. i accumulated these almost once a day and after a while i got tired of having my parents sign them EVERY SINGLE day and just forged their signatures. i got away with that like 75% of the time lol 

like they were just for the same shit ‘oh ur kid didnt do their homework blah blah ur kids out of dress code blah blah” and so i was just “whatever” because like... nothing seemed to change i was just being perpetually punished for being unable to keep up in my studies. my parents tried to get a math tutor for me but halfway thru i think freshman year she moved and that was that

i got so fucking sick of just being behind while my other peers seemed to be moving forward that i started bullshitting my work just to get thru. ofc that didnt do anything because i wasnt learning the work, and because i lied about my answers and cheated i got punished again. and i was just like “whatever” 

i cried all the time. parent teacher conferences were hell. i always cried. it felt like i couldnt convey to them why i was such a fuckup. like i wasnt making sense, or i was being overemotional. instead of trying to make changes they just talked about how i had to work harder. least i think. i’ll be honest i always just disassociated during those meetings before going into meltdown mode.

on top of that, i was in a “gay” relationship with a classmate, and lots of bad stuff happened. ive always had an overactive imagination. great for being a wannabe artist. not so great when youre already an easily manipulated undiagnosed autistic child. me, her, and my current gf actually had our own little world! thinking back on this now, for me at least it was escapism to try and just cope with how miserable i was at school 

i dont know how soon in the “relationship” it was before things got sexual. my concept of time during those years at foursquare is so scattered. according to posts ive seen on dA me and her were together or at least “friends” for 2 years? so actually i think my saying “freshman year in high school” is inaccurate and things got bad the tail end of middle school and continued until i was a sophomore before switching schools.

ANYWAY, so yeah, along with all this school nonsense, i was in a gay relationship, one that was abusive in many aspects. ofc at the time i didnt know that i was being abused! i just thought yknow her forcing herself into me sexually was kinda par the course and i was already kinda a sexually curious kid growing up so like.. i was looking for that i guess? it hurting cuz she went in dry is just to be expected, yadda yadda. pretty sure i cried? and i know for a fact that i still sleep in the room where she raped me like that and its sometimes just “yea i was literally right in that spot when i was raped lol”

and she would constantly want me to touch her sexually too, and when i said “no” and pulled my hand away that she had been trying to force down her pants because i wasnt personally ready to do that she’d always complain and make me feel bad cuz i wasnt comfortable touching her. “i always get you off but you never get me off!” 

and at the time i didnt just tell her to fuck off cuz i didnt know any better. i didnt know that it was ok for me to not be ready to do that. i thought i was a bad person for not being ready to pleasure my partner, even tho its not my fault if shes ok w/ pleasuring me, and im ok with being pleasured (even tho tbh it was hit or miss sometimes she just did it lol), but im not ready to touch her, i guess? and like i tried to communicate with her and im pretty sure i told her that if she didnt wanna jerk me off cuz i couldnt do it to her yet that was fine but whatever

on the fourth of july she started groping me out in public while we watched the fireworks and i remember trying to get her to stop cuz i wasnt comfy with doing this in public cuz a) this was years ago and homophobia was a lot more common especially in this boonies town and b) i dont like seeing other couples being handsy in public so i dont want to be handsy in public either

and i remember while shes groping my chest and im trying to get her to stop theres this group of older kids in front of us and they see. and they start snickering. they started snickering at the sight. and i was so mortified and wanted to die.

looking back those kids should get hit by a fucking bus for laughing at someone getting molested and being obviously uncomfortable with it but i guess its funny cuz “lesbians! haha look at that pervy lesbo touching that other lesbian!”

and thats the story of why every fourth of july i want to kill myself

things kept progressing, ofc. i remember one night, while we were camping, i finally caved and fingered her. i forced myself to think “yeah ok i can do this” and i just thought the crippling anxiety i felt was cuz i was nervous to be intimate with my girlfriend for the first time like this, but really i was probably scared she was gonna hurt me since by that point she had. she had made herself perfectly clear in her mannerisms and tone of voice that she was stronger and bigger than me and could hurt me. 

and a few occasions she did. one time she started choking me so badly that i honestly thought “oh my god, shes going to kill me here at school”. i still sometimes feel her nails digging into my throat, and i dont think ive ever been as terrified in my life as i was in that moment. i dont think she would have stopped had a teacher not intervened. 

there was only one time i ever hit her, and that was before school started, and i had finally lost my shit over how much she kept fucking with me. all i remember was i came to school angry at her. over what i dont remember. she was always toying with my emotions, and i think that it had built up over the time that i finally snapped walked into class before school started, walked over to where she and alyss were talking, and a slapped her across the face before i walked over to my desk

i dont think i got in trouble for that cuz no one snitched? idk i mightve, but i didnt care. i was angry at her, angry at the school, and suicidal. 

i remember one time during a break i was crying. a teacher from another class came up to me and asked what was wrong. i told her i wanted to die. she just looked at me all uncomfortable. i think she mightve said something before walking off?

nothing came of that. 

i was more worried that i would get in trouble for being in a gay relationship than as apposed to thinking that these teachers- people who are supposed to protect their students- would help me. i gave up on them even recognizing the signs of me being abused. i feel like they wouldnt have even taken it as seriously as we were both “girls”, and this was back before talk of how women can be abusive was more common place. abuse was still strictly seen as male on female violence. and to some people, gay violence was comedic. 

eventually, one night, it all came to light. at least, that she and i were sexually involved. that week was a blur. she was taken out of school. it was brushed under the rug. everyone trying to save face i guess and keep other kids from finding out, but somehow i always felt like they knew. they knew that she was taken out of school because of me. because we were gay

i tried to move on, but my studies never got better. i just grew more jaded. i never did any work. i mouthed off to the teachers, continued getting detentions and just plainly stopped caring. no one could get me to do anything. i would play hooky. 

and that was just.... my life. perpetual anger at a system that failed me spectacularly. to this day i still hate that place. i cant be there. i was groped and molested and it was treated like nothing

so yeah

thanks for listening to my ted talks

[mckoriginals-blog]

Chapter 1: It was a long road that brought him here. And like most stories of true love, it all began with a girl. But we'll get to that later. First... The boy. Clark had endured pain. Physical first. For years. What a 2 year old toddler could do to provoke years of anger... Clark still couldn't say. He only remembered that his concept of love was directly connected to deep mistrust and a sincere wish to please the people around him. Sometimes he found the way quickly. He gave his father what he needed and the beating stopped. Sometimes, there was no reason behind it. So the beating didn't stop. Bruises became choke marks. Black eyes became swollen. Cuts became stitches. Lies became commonplace. There was a "happy family narrative." In fact, the entire family could have lost everything if certain people knew. So the burden fell upon the boy, to keep up the lies, to suffer in silence, and to endure the nightmares. All of this shaped how he loved. All of this is important. From age 2 to age 7, Clark was hurt in ways that still affect him today. He remembers those years, especially at night. First, he couldn't sleep. His father would pass the room, see Clark's eyes open, and his imposing shadow moved closer as he entered the room. The door would close. And merciless violence was his punishment. For being awake. Not loud, not even talking. He was not out of bed. He was in bed, as asked, falling to rest... Just not fast enough. The next week he hid under his bed. He knew he wasnt asleep yet. He knew his Dad would see him. If he hid, he couldn't find him. Or maybe he'd see the fear he instilled in his only son and feel shame. The beating that night was one of the worse he had ever received. He learned to fake sleeping. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes not. Sometimes hearing, "Clark. Are you awake?" Was enough to make him shake in fear. This answered the question. His emotions betrayed him. His father knew. He was rewarded with pain. Between 2 and 7, Clark learned something. A fail-safe. The way to stop the physical abuse. He had to cry. Everytime he did, it brought his father out of it. His father would stop. He'd apologize, begging his confused son for forgiveness. What child would refuse their Dad that? But... The sentiment.... "It will never happen again, Clark. I promise, I'll never hit you again." That was a lie. So he knew promises were not for him. And he stopped crying. The abuse got worse. As the rage built within him, desperate to see tears and fear in the eyes of his son, Clark's father was instead met with stoicism. A cold resolve. Emotionless eyes from his son. The beatings would go on for years, but Clark never cried again for his father. Eventually, Clark's mother left his father. His sisters were staying with her. Clark was old enough to make the choice. He still remembers this moment. "My Dad is staying. My mother and sisters are moving. My Dad will be alone. I don't want him to be alone. I choose Dad." Clark's mother cried. How do you explain to your 7 year old son that his empathy was going to be met with abuse? He didn't know it was wrong. He didnt know other sons were loved, not hit. The family never taught him the difference because if he knew, his father's career would have ended. Somehow, his mother convinced Clark that his father would be ok and his little sisters needed him more. And at age 7, Clark moved into a house of kindness, compassion, and patience. And he forgot the abuse. Repressed it. For many years. People asked why Clark didn't make eye contact. Some asked him directly. Guessing correctly. "Were you ever hit, son?" And Clark smiled. "Of course not." And he thought it was the truth. Chapter 2: Clark was popular. He wasn't the best athlete. He did ok. He wasn't the most confident kid. He fought insecurities often. But he was a few other things. He was smart. He devoured books. Watched the news. Thought and asked questions beyond his years. He was nice. His heart was big and he wore it on both sleeves. He was funny. He made kids laugh, adults chuckle, and his sarcastic nature made him see optimism and positivity in the darkest of times. And because of this, people liked him. And Clark liked being liked. Then, Clark felt a new emotion. You may disbelieve it. And the intensity of it can be doubted and debated. But Clark found love at a young age. And it became his everything. This powerful force suddenly became his main focus. Everything in life was in the pursuit of it. He wrote and spoke passionately. He charmed. He wooed. He found all his strengths could be used to win the hearts of the girls he fell for. Jokes made him funny. Poems made him romantic. Kindness made him sensitive. Intelligence made him interesting. But love is complex. And betrayal... Painful. Love was innocent at 7. Losing it was hard at 10. And finding his girlfriends cheating at 13, well. That was devastating. 13. The year his mother and father fought. Thats the year the nightmares started again. Thats the year he remembered. This is where Clark became broken. But... he did survive. And two years later, he met the girl who made him whole. Layla. Chapter 3: Sitting in base housing, Clark listened to the most heinous things being said about his mother. Insults, for no reason. It was too much. His father was mad at her. So he sat his three children down and told them every disgusting nasty thing he thought about her. They went home in tears. Clark felt them welling up, but did not let them fall. He was good at holding back tears. "Mom? Dad said this. And this. It's not true, right?" Then she repeated his infraction. She told her teenage son and daughters about how terrible their father is. Clark ignored it all. He was a cheater. A sex addict. A deviant. Whatever... Clark thought to himself. As though his mother could read his mind, she turned to Clark. "Plus, dont forget all the things he did to you." Clark felt something in the back of his mind. A wall. Cracking. "The bruises. The scars." The wall was shaking, struggling to keep something back. "He used to beat you, Clark." The wall collapsed. "No, he didnt..." Clark said. Then he yelled it. Then he cried. Then he ran. But he was starting to remember. And he would never forget again. The nightmares came. But they were memories. He knew, because he asked each time. "Did he give me a bloody nose?" "Yes." "Did he make me lie at the base picnic?" "...Yes." "Did he come into my room?" "Almost every night..." "AND YOU LET HIM? FOR HOW LONG?" He didn't like the answer. His popularity took a hit. He withdrew. He battled depression. He had trouble socializing. Clark's entire fucking world fell apart. And things were about to get worse. Chapter 4: Its interesting. When you have a strong sense of justice and someone in your family breaks the law. It can disillusion you and make you question your entire perspective. It can drive you away from your family. It can make you leave. Clark left his mother's house and moved in with his father. Clarks father tried to explain the past. "Your Mom tricked me. She said she was on birth control." Gee. I was an accident. Im so sorry. Thanks Dad. I understand now. But there was one thing about his father he knew. His father followed the law. So he stayed. The internet, messaging... It was just becoming a thing. Clark loved computers. He loved the internet. He read. Wrote a lot. And he played Checkers. Online. And he met Barry. A Canadian. They talked about video games. Barry told him about a Romanian born classmate, Alex. Alex started playing Checkers too. He was a computer whiz. In a few days, he taught Clark how to read HTML, make webpages, send documents, download songs, and even IM. It was innocuous the day. Clark logged into MSN messenger. Alex greeted him. Clark was doing homework. Barry joined the room. Then Gabe. Clark was getting overwhelmed. Remembering what his Dad did took away his extroverted side. He was completely shy. Nervous. Doubtful. He didn't know Gabe well. Clark was thinking of an excuse to leave... "Hey, Clark. There's one more person who wants to join. Is that ok?" Alex asked. Clark wanted to say no. To this day, he can't tell you why he didn't. He was a people pleaser. Maybe that's why. "Yeah. Of course." *Layla has joined the chat room*

[isabols-blog]

Three Years

I’ve been in college for three years. Three whole years of unexpected experiences. Three whole years of pure bullshit. Well, not pure bullshit. But right now that’s what it feels like. I get that this is supposed to be the time in my life where I’ll be able to understand myself better and figure out who my true friends are and what not, BUT NOPE. I still DONT know who I truly am and at this point I feel like I don’t even know if I have friends anymore. I feel like I’m about to break. And no, this is not the first time I’ve felt this way. 

I thought first year of college was the worst year of my life. No lie- I was pretty wild. But I mean like who doesn’t go all out on their first year of college? Well to cut to the chase, I liked going out a lot and drinking and in exchange for all those fun ass moments with great friends, I experienced some of my worst nights. I was forced to makeout with someone, got harassed and was known to be the “easy” girl who lost her virginity to some dude, which I don’t get because I’m still a virgin up to this point. Some people believed it and I was talked about for a while. It felt like high school especially since we were all block section. I mean you could say I’m a flirt because I really am, but don’t be spreading rumors about shit that isn’t true. This was the year I realized that every time something good happened, something bad would come or vice versa. And I guess this was kind of my mindset ever since. Anyway aside from this, everyday when I would go to school I would be reminded of by my classmate how much of an ugly person I am. At first it was just a joke and I rode with it because he was my friend, but then it became a daily thing and it started to bother me so much. My blockmate would literally shout, “Guys look at the outfit of Isabelle today. Ang pangit.” “Guys ang pangit ni Isabelle.” “OMG it smells like shrimp.. Hipon? Isabelle is that you?” And he would just laugh it everytime. My self-esteem got so low and I just felt so down. I told him how I felt about the situation and lost a friend.  Second year came and I lost touch with those friends I used to always hang out with when I drank and also lost a really close friend who I hung out with during the summer every single day. I realized that all I was to her was a messenger to all her crushes and she literally just went to me so that I could talk to them for her. And yeah it sucked, but I dealt with it for a long while until boom we just stopped being friends. This school year I also started crushing on someone. That someone had a girlfriend. But of course, I built walls between us because of that. And for me, it’s not that hard to build walls because I already tell myself not to give in from the start. These are for those people who I think I’m going to actually like-like. I mean I gotta long list of crushes - mostly celebrities and people that don’t know me - that I instantly crush on, but when it comes to liking someone it takes some time (because yeah, I ALWAYS build walls). Anyway, that wall started to tear down when I got to know more about him. We talked ALL THE TIME, we ate lunch every after class, we snapped and texted here and there. I knew I was fucked because I allowed myself to do all of this and because I LIKED HIM. I even made out when I was intoxicated this one night even though I knew he had a girlfriend. I’m sucha horrible person.  What sucked was that I liked it, but at the same time never felt more ashamed. I was a mess and still am. Currently a junior in college and I don’t think I have ever experienced so much devastation in my life. This school year was definitely not a great start. Long story short, I met up with a few people got intoxicated and shit. Our conversation rose to me slipping shit about the guy I liked who had a girlfriend. Not to mention, those people I was with were the best friends of the girlfriend. Fun. I honestly didn’t know what to do at that point because that night just became the most uncomfortable and scared experience of my life. I’m not even exaggerating. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so afraid. I mean I ended up running to the ground floor bare foot without my stuff not knowing where to go or what to do because I was just too overwhelmed with the situation I was in. What made it worse was that I wasn’t in the right state of mind. I WAS JUST SO FUCKING CONFUSED. I overthought every situation I was in after that night. I couldn’t stop thinking and I cried almost everyday for about two weeks. I became so closed in school. I didn’t want to socialize, I quit my org, I went straight home after each class. Pretty much did everything I could to not be associated with whatever happened that night. Basically lost a lot of friends, a lot of energy and wasted a lot of days thinking. It was a horrible time. During the break of this school year I thought about the things I needed to work on and decided to fix on myself. When 2017 began, I wanted to have like a fresh start. I started apologizing to those I had beef with. I started understanding people better and always tried to look at both sides of their stories. I was doing so well for the first weeks of this year. I felt better and I didn’t feel so anxious when I went to school. But then I found out something about my best friend and felt off about what happened. I gave her time until she told me about it, but she was taking a while, so I confronted her and told her how I felt. Honestly thought she would just explain to me what happened and it would be over, but instead I ended up being blamed for. Oh yeah, also, I guess we’re not friends anymore too because she doesn’t expect a friendship. We’ve had an awk situation once and I tried so hard to reach after her because our friendship meant a lot to me and I just feel like the feelings aren’t mutual. Seems like she’s not even going to try to be my friend anymore. So after trying to work on myself and being understanding this is what happens. This is what happens when you try to do good, be honest, and be the best person you can be after experiencing the worst shit of your life. This is what it has come to. Trying to turn my life around, but it just keeps bringing me lower than my lowest point.    People don’t understand how sad and devastated I have gotten. I’m trying so hard to look strong and be strong in all these situations, but honestly I really don’t know what to do. And this is just the gist of everything that I experienced. To list it most of it down this is probably how shitty my life is - I loved a guy who cheated on me in front of me (more than twice), everyday in school I’d be reminded of being ‘hipon’ and ugly by my one blockmate, I slept over a friend’s friend’s place (no one was drunk) and ended up being touched by her friend, this guy spread rumors about how we had bad sex because I didn’t want to have sex with him- then became known to be a slut, I lost a close friend, I kissed a guy who had a girlfriend, I was played with by a group of people (to the point I thought I was going to die), I lost more friends, Anxious almost all the time (especially when I’m in school), I became uncomfortable in my own school, I had to talk to my professor to help me because I just felt so low in life, didn’t talk to anyone for a while, I lost my best friend.

BUT putting all of this aside, I’ve been thinking about the things I still have in life - the small group of friends I hang out with almost everyday. I might have lost my most of my friends, my best friend and myself but I’m still glad to have the close group of friends I see almost all the time. They're the coolest and most kind people I know. I literally feel like family when I’m with them. No joke. I feel like they’re all my older brothers. But of course, the world always tries to find another way to pull me down. Another problem rose recently and I know for a fact that the amount of times we hang out as a group will probably lessen and it saddens me because they’re literally the only true friends I got. I know eventually we would have to split because yeah, life, but I hate having the thought at the back of my mind of still not being 100% okay with each other. It isn’t much of my problem, but I can’t help it because I just value this friendship as a whole and that’s just who I am. As much as they will probably say that they got my back and that we’re all still friends, I know it won’t be the same anymore. I mean I guess we’ll still be close individually, but not as a group and for some people that isn’t important, but for me it is because I yeah, I value my friendship so much. The problem is that I can’t do anything about the situation. I mean just because it’s the worst thing to happen to me as of this moment, it might be the best for someone else and it would be selfish if I only thought about my problems. I know everyone has got their own problems to solve, some of which surpass the issues I have, but it just upsets me that I continually keep losing friends. And It makes me question the type of person I am. I feel like this is what makes me overthink all the shit I do. I’m really just am sad that it always just comes down to me eventually losing friends. It sucks because I know that weeks from now, I’ll have no one but myself. What a great way to start the year. I still got a term and a half left for this school year.. I wonder what else I got to lose.  The fact that I had to write this all down on this random page just shows I have no one else to go to, but myself.