#claire i think has seen a couple of his other videos without realizing it's the same guy making all these things

[primatechnosynthpop]

Every now and then I'm seized by the urge to make some really inane, overly specific top 5 lists and/or to project my tastes in pop culture onto characters I like, so: here's my list of top 5 list of heroes characters I think would listen to lemon demon

5. Claire- this is actually a big plot point in my fanfiction, but I can't imagine her being a superfan or anything. Chances are good that she's only listened to Spirit Phone and maybe one or two songs from the other albums. Her favourite songs are "Lifetime Achievement Award" and "Eighth Wonder"

4. Mohinder- you'd think he's also only listed to Spirit Phone from the way he talks about it, but he's actually listened to virtually all of Neil's music, even a bunch of the really early stuff. But even after all that, "Touch Tone Telephone" remains his favourite song of all time. (He's also partial toward "Ancient Aliens")

3. Hiro- this one may surprise you, but I feel like he'd be a big fan of Neil Cicierega's body of work. His favourite albums overall are Damn Skippy and Dinosaurchestra, but there are some songs on View-Monster he likes as well, particularly "Sundial". Predictably, his all-time favourite song is "The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny"

2. Micah- I mean, do I even have to explain this one? Of course Micah listens to Lemon Demon. His favourite albums are Dinosaurchestra (his favourite song from it is "Action Movie Hero Boy") and View-Monster (his favourite songs from it are "The Afternoon" and (of course) "The Machine"). Probably makes lemonverse OCs and posts about them online. Love that for him

1. Sylar- the kind of guy who projects onto the song characters maybe a little too much. Some of his favourite songs include "Mask of my Own Face", "My Trains", "Bill Watterson", "Spring-Heeled Jack", and "Eighth Wonder" (that last one becomes a big point of contention with Claire when she realizes that they share a favourite Lemon Demon song and it spurs her to stop listening to it out of protest, but she can't keep that act up for long because the beat is just too infectious to resist--not to mention those groovy lyrics about Gef the mongoose)

[sabraeal]

In Plain Sight, Chapter 4

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3

Written for @k-itsmaywriting​‘s birthday! I hope that, despite how weird the world is right now, you have an amazing day!

Shirayuki understands how this is supposed to work. She’s seem movies after all-- Witness, of course; Sister Act 1 & 2, if only because Opa thought Whoopie Goldberg was a national treasure and Oma thought she was too young to be watching Ghost; and Our Lips Are Sealed about eight times on video cassette, since she’s old enough (and Opa resisted DVD long enough) have both VCRs and wholesome Olsen twins content as a part of her childhood.

(Her favorite formative twins were Annie and Hallie from The Parent Trap; they were red-headed, just like her, and one of them had a British accent. She’d been devastated to find out that not only were both of them American, but they were also only one girl. She’d watched Double Trouble to console herself)

In any case, she knows how this goes, at least narratively. She lays down in this amazingly comfortable bed, stares up at the ceiling in a tense yet melancholy fashion for hours, and dreams in plot-relevant flashbacks. Extra points if they reference the crime she witnessed.

The problem is: she didn’t. She’s just the unfortunate collateral to her father’s personal redemption. All the life ruining without ever being part of the A plot.

There’s an upside though: the second she hits that firm cloud of a mattress, she’s out like a light.

Absolutely nothing wakes her, but Shirayuki jolts into consciousness anyway, as unpleasant as any false start. She expects to be confused; she’s not a graceful riser to begin with, and every morning in temporary housing, she’d bounce off three walls at minimum trying to find a bathroom that didn’t exist.

(Well, the bathroom did exist, it just didn’t exist where it should, which was down the hall to the right, and was compounded by the door being in exactly the wrong place too.)

Instead, she knows exactly where she is. Knowledge which is quickly followed by the low-key, seething resentment for the man who put her here.

She groans, lifting her head from the pillow. It’s fine. She’s fine. It’s just--

7:00, her alarm clock says. Tuesday, her brain provides after a long moment.

She should be getting up, habit told her. Getting her morning fix of avocado toast and orange juice with Paul Newman’s face stamped on it.

There’s worse ways to start your day than having a fine pair of eyes smiling at you, Oma would say.

What can I say? Opa’d grumble back, flipping through the paper. It’s impossible to compete with Butch Cassidy.

Her fingers curl into the sheets. There’d be none of that today. Agent Jiang-- Obi’s assistant had gotten her Simply Orange instead. A small mercy. It’s hard enough to be someone else when there’s still so much her clinging to the edges.

It’s tempting to linger in bed; she’s always been a morning person, up with the birds, but maybe Claire isn’t. Maybe Claire likes to stay up late and sleep in, sleeping past the three alarms she sets for herself. Maybe she likes to have waffles for breakfast, straight from a box, and drinks pomegranate juice. Maybe she doesn’t bike into the lab at eight because--

She groans. Because Claire doesn’t have a job. A thing that will have to change soon, since Claire has to pay for this house.

There’s a great deal of compromise that happens between bedside and bathroom; habit insists she needs to be fully dressed, ready to greet the day, but everything else--

Well, she’s not going anywhere is she? There’s no reason she couldn’t wallow in her pj’s all day

Standards, habit insists. But those belonged to Shirayuki, not Claire. Claire has no job, no friends, and nothing to do on a Tuesday morning besides--

Oh no, the recycling.

The bin is nearly two-thirds her height, but with only one day under her belt, it’s already overflowing. Good thing she’d looked at that brochure when it slipped out from between the takeout menus.

She shrugs her hoodie a little tighter, pulling it down over her leggings-- habit and hedonism settled on exercise wear as a happy medium-- and grips the handle, tugging it out the opening garage door, right into the fresh Texas morning--

And promptly throws her hoodie back into the garage. She might need that with the downright frosty temperature the house is set to, but oh, she was not going to cover her skin out here any more than necessary. Even now, she’s starting to sweat in impossible places beneath her leggings.

Hooking her palm back around the handle, she tugs the bin down the drive. Her gaze fixes to the pavement-- the last thing she needs is to trip right over herself on her own driveway taking out the trash-- and she doesn’t look up until she hits the sidewalk. It’s a struggle to get it to sit right-- these are proper curbs, white poured cement with squared edges meant to puncture cheeky tires; one of the wheels catches in a gap and refuses to budge until she hip checks it out onto the next slab.

She’s damp at this point, skin dewing with giant drops of sweat she’s tempted to shake off like a dog, but--

But Martha Kino has an arm slung along their fence, holding a tall glass of iced tea that makes her mouth water just to look at.

“Oh, um, good morning!” she calls out with a weak wave. “I didn’t, um, see you there.”

It’s only when Martha slides her gaze to her that she realizes her neighbor hadn’t been looking at her at all. Her mouth curves into a knowing smile at the sight of her. “Good morning, honey. You here for the show?”

Shirayuki blinks. “The show?”

“Mm-hm.” Martha takes a long drag from her straw, ice clinking against the glass. “Here it comes now.”

Shirayuki tracks her line of sight right across the cul-de-sac, squinting at half acre of immaculately trimmed, completely invasive Bermuda grass. Their front garden is well-kept, as well; thickly mulched with giant hibiscus blooming blood red against pristine stone facade.

Oh, and there’s a man as well. That’s probably what Mrs Kino is looking at.

He’s tall. No, tall is an understatement; he’s a giant, six foot four at least with shoulders to match. He’s trimmed with the same military precision as his lawn, clean shaven with an undercut that could scratch glass. Heavy brows draw sharply over his nose, forehead rumpling as he tears a box right down the fold--

Ah, well, all right. It’s not doing much of anything for her, but the Vitruvian man’s more ideal cousin ripping up boxes definitely counts as a show. Halfway through, he grabs the hem of his shirt, mopping his brow, and ah, hm, he could definitely have made money as an anatomical model. His rectus abdominis are, ah...very defined.

“Is he--” Shirayuki searches for the words-- “from around here?”

“Oh, him?” Martha’s gaze doesn’t stray for a second, not even as she sips at her tea. “That’s Scott. Aspen’s husband. They just moved in a few weeks ago.”

Shirayuki glances around the neighborhood. Seems like more than a few of her neighbors hope they’ll never leave either.

“Quite the pair, those two,” Martha hums. “She’ll be at the luncheon. I know you two will just get on like houses.”

More like houses on fire if she mentions she’s seen her husband’s floor show. “Oh, right. The um, luncheon.”

Mrs Kino grins as Scott hops back inside, out of this heat, just like she’s dying to do. “By the way, he mows the lawn on Sunday, just before lunch.”

“Oh, um, great.” She’ll be sure to miss it. “Can’t wait.”

It’s too early to bake cookies.

There’s not a baked good on earth that tastes as good two days later as it does fresh out of the oven; Shirayuki knows that down to her toes and bones, but still--

Stress baking. It’s a thing. And she doesn’t have to make anything right now. She could get all the ingredients together, just to make sure she has them. And then...just not do anything.

She can. Definitely. Absolutely. She’s Claire now. Claire probably doesn’t even like chocolate chip cookies.

Oh gosh, who is she kidding? Only monsters don’t like chocolate chip cookies. What next, Claire doesn’t like brownies? Apple pie? Snickerdoodles?

It’s a slippery slope, not liking things. Best to just keep it simple and eat everything, that’s what Opa always said at the church potluck.

The morsels and brown sugar already sit out on the counter when her phone lets out a piercing ting. She’s half tempted to ignore it; she’s having a contentious battle with the ten pounds of King Arthur flour that’s tucked away in her cabinet-- what was she thinking?-- and she refuses to show any fear in the face of baking supplies but--

Ting. No one knows her number. Well, no one except the government.She settles back on her heels with a sneeze. The government probably doesn’t take kindly to being left on read.

Her hands clap against her thighs, flour misting into the air as she leaves two partial prints right over the helical print. She frowns, plucking at the fabric, nose wrinkling as more powder burst into the air. Ting.

“I’m coming,” she mutters, stumbling over to the island. “I’m coming.”

Sugar Daddy i got just what u need pumpkin check ur email

The corners of her mouth dig furrows into her cheeks as she clicks on the notification. It’s the only message in her inbox, aside from the ubiquitous Welcome to Gmail spam and a few coupons for Banana Republic and a couple of other retailers. They’d taught her about this at orientation; they couldn’t do much about an empty inbox, but everyone had at least a few mailing lists they’d either forgotten to opt out of or regularly used.

Still...what about her said Banana Republic? She glances down at her spandex-clad legs. If they were going to go for a too-expensive clothing line, they could have at least sprung for Lululemon.

Ah, but that wasn’t the point. Marshal Jiang-- Obi hadn’t texted all...that...to show off some spam. Sitting at the very top of her inbox is a Cornell email address-- Cornell-- with an attachment.

Dear Claire, the message reads, We’re so sorry to see you go, but I’m glad we’re able to keep in touch. Of course we kept the copy of your old CV. Good luck to you in all your endeavors.

It’s signed by some professor; not high profile enough for her to have heard of, but she doesn’t doubt that he’s real, someone a curious party could look up on Cornell’s directory. Well, at least for the next six months.

The Columbia alumna inside her writhes in agony. Cornell. She doubts it’s a coincidence.

Me Aren’t you supposed to be taking care of me?

Not that she’s very, um, up on the specifics of such a relationship, but she’d been under the impression that sugar...children?...were supposed to be fully reliant on their sugar parent. Her mouth pulls thin. Already she’s thinking about this far more than she’d ever hope to.

Sugar Daddy a good daddy makes sure his baby can take care of herself ;)

This declaration is followed by a stream of emojis, ending with an eggplant and a peach, and she just-- doesn’t need to know. She wipes away the sweat that beads at her hairline-- from embarrassment, of course-- and downloads the attachment.

Me I’ll take a look. Thank you.

She sets the phone back on the island, face down, and glares. He can’t possibly be like this to everyone. People would complain. They wouldn’t just let him insinuate that he-- that they--

Ting.

Sugar Daddy good girl

All right. Maybe they would.

Shirayuki doesn't get homesick.

She’d been the first brownie to leap out of her car at summer camp; Opa barely had time to lurch into park before she was traipsing across the field, backpack slung over her shoulder and duffel bag dragging on the grass. Freshman year, she moved into the dorm by herself, pressing kisses to wrinkled cheeks as she lugged her suitcases onto the train; she’d almost forgotten to wave from the window.

But as soon as she lays down in bed, the lights snuffed out and the world still, it hits her. Just a soft roll of her stomach at first, the barest itch on her skin, like wearing a wool sweater on a spring afternoon. It’s fine; too much to ignore but nothing that would keep her up too long.

It doesn’t stay that way.

Her stomach clenches, tears pricking at her eyes, and it’s everything she can do to just roll onto her side, letting the chills wrack through her body. She shivers so hard her teeth chatter, and this-- this isn’t the gentle ache of nostalgia her books prepared her for. This is an illness, plain and simple, like when she caught norovirus in eighth grade can could hardly do anything but lay on the bathroom floor and wait for the next wave to begin.

This isn’t her, she isn’t like this, she doesn’t get like this, but-- but--

Before she always knew her home was waiting for her; she could leave but Oma and Opa would always keep the front lamp on, waiting for weary travelers and last minute bookings.

It’s different now that there’s no home to come back to.

7:00, her alarm clock says. She watches it tick over, like she has for every hour before it.

She must have slept at some point; it’s impossible that she’s lain awake, staring at the clock for eight hours. But that doesn’t make her any less tired, and so when her alarm starts up, beeps cutting through the quiet white noise of the air conditioner, she reaches out and slaps it off.

Shirayuki may not sleep in, but Claire is certainly warming to the idea.

Her notebook sits open on the island; neat, looping script stretches across the page, straining the boundaries of the blue lines that contains it. She’d done her homework yesterday, combing through job sites to find the most likely candidates. There’s five on her list right now, ranked according to preference, and oh, is Shirayuki glad she had the gumption to do this before, because this morning she feels like roadkill being scraped off the blacktop.

Still, she worries at her lip as her laptop boots up, peering over her list. In the cold light of the morning, five seems too few, but...desperation hasn’t set in yet. She’s allowed to still have standards.

Wrapping her hands around her mug, she glances at the next page: another list. No, a set of instructions. Edit CV. Write cover letters.

Shirayuki groans. Even with the bullet points she left for herself, composing cover letters is a circle of hell all its own. With only three hours of solid sleep under her belt, it’s an insurmountable hurdle to getting hired.

“Right,” she murmurs, hooking an ankle around a stool and pulling it under her. “Editing it is.”

She clicks on the pdf Obi sent her, scrolling down and--

“Oh no.” She rears back from the screen, heart pounding. “No, no. There’s got to be a mistake...”

“Hey, baby,” Obi’s voice rumbles through her speaker. It’s thick and warm and would be utterly distracting if she were in any less of a crisis. “A little early for a b--?”

“What happened to my papers?”

“Uh.” All the suggestion in his tone evaporates. “What?”

“My papers.” Her hand grips the phone so tight it creaks. “They’re gone.”

His end goes silent. Silent enough to make that weird click, like the line’s cut out, and she pulls back to check--

“Someone stole your passport?” He laughs, incredulous. “Some sort of luck you have, Miss. Barely had it for a day and already you’ve gotten your identity stolen.”

She blinks into the barren air of her kitchen. “What?”

“You know,” he hums, too amused, “I picked out a cute house in the suburbs for safety, and here you are, getting robbed. Did you leave them in your car? Or did you just go out--”

“N-no!” She’s honestly half tempted to say what car, until she remembers the tasteful mid-sized SUV in the driveway, the one she’s still been calling the girlfriend car in her head, and realizes-- it’s hers. She’s the girlfriend.

Except she’s not. At all. Which is fine! She doesn’t even want that! If she’s still thinking about what his mouth feels like as he wraps them around his words, then--

She really can’t be thinking about this right now. “I mean my papers! I just looked at my CV and it’s a page!”

He hesitates, though not enough for the line to click again. “Isn’t that long enough?”

“CVs aren’t resumes,” she informs him patiently, pen twisting between her fingers. “They’re dick measuring contests--”

Her teeth snap around the words, but oh, it’s too late. They’re already out there in the aether, and he’s laughing.

“Now there’s something I didn’t think I’d hear out of you, Miss.” He doesn’t need to sound so pleased about it.

“It’s something my old PI used to say,” she mutters. Oh, Garak would be so proud of herself if she knew. “It’s not very polite, but she’s not, um, wrong.”

“I’m sorry the US government made you under endowed.” His words practically rattle as he says them. “It’s not the size that matters, Miss, but how you use it.”

“Obi,” she huffs. “All the work I’ve done for the past ten years of my life now is attributed to my birth name and my birth name only! According to this CV I have the same level of experience, but less papers than an undergrad! And you can’t tell me that any of these are searchable on PubMed.”

And none of them are first authors, is what she doesn’t say. It’s a petty thing to worry about when her entire academic career is functionally extinct.

“Hm.” His fingers drum quickly on a table. Desk? It’s strange not knowing anything about the man who is her only lifeline. “I’ll look into it.”

“I don’t want to be, um, alarmist, but I can’t get a job with this.” Her hand shakes as she scrolls down her screen. “No one is going to hire a post-doc with a one page CV.”

“Don’t worry, Miss. There’s a plan for this, somewhere.” She can feel his grin when he says, “You can’t be the first academic who’s had to go into hiding.”

She smiles, despite herself. “Considering some of the conferences I’ve been to, I can believe it.”

“Besides, you could always apply to pharmaceuticals.” The very word is like a donkey kick to her gut. “The pay’s supposed to be better--”

“I can’t work for Big Pharma.”

He hesitates. “You...can’t?”

“Obi, they make little old grandmas pay eight hundred dollars for insulin!” She presses a hand to her chest. “Banting and Best didn’t sell the patent for one dollar so that people could get gouged by--”

“I get it, I get it,” he assured her. “Preaching to the choir. But as a safety, I’m sure you could find one that isn’t stealing candy from babies.”

She huffs. “I doubt it.”

He rasps out a laugh. “I’ll see what I can do. As I said, can’t be the first PhD on the lam.”

Her mouth twitches. “Just yours?”

“You are certainly some kind of education, Miss.” He hums. “Give me a day. See what I can turn up.”

“You have two,” she informs him magnanimously. “I have the luncheon tomorrow.”

“Oh, right.” She doesn’t need to see him to know he’s lounging, smug like a cat post-canary. “Looking forward to joining the neighborhood’s Ladies’ Committee?”

“Ha ha,” she drawls flatly. “Very funny.”

He is unnervingly silent on the other end.

“You’re kidding, right?” Her voice certainly does not fill with a nervous quaver. “You guys don’t have things like that around here.”

Obi hums, humoring her.

“W-what would they even do?” She picks nervously at the sticker on her laptop, prying up part of NVIDIA. “Plan potlucks? Organize the Neighborhood Watch? Cotillions?”

She doesn’t know how he makes his grin so palpable over 4G. “Looking forward to your debut, Miss?”

Shirayuki scowls down at her screen. “I think I’m firmly up on the shelf, thank you. Now if you don’t mind, I have cookies to make.”

[magic-and-moonlit-wings]

Chapter 50: Insecurity Abounds

Becoming The Mask 

Why wasn't it working?!

Jim ducked the fire jets and somersaulted out of their path.

The Forge floor tilted, sending him sliding back to where he’d started from. He braced his feet against the pop-up turret that spewed fire and launched himself up to grab the next turret, the one that shot darts. He used the higher turret to swing himself back to level ground. Jim blocked the darts that followed him with his sword.

Gunmar’s Eye hadn’t had any noticeable effect on the Amulet yet.

Jim wove through and around the pendulum axes.

When he’d put the Heartstone chip in the Amulet, he’d been able to summon a knife in minutes.

He threw several knives at a target and used his sword to cut another in half.

Of course, he’d been actively hoping for a knife when he’d cleaved that stone, and he didn’t have any solid idea what this new one was supposed to do.

Jim made it to the Soothscryer and inserted his hand.

The Forge’s mechanisms shut down. The past Trollhunters did not draw him into the Void to advise him on how to find out the properties of a newly cleaved stone.

“Okay, let’s break down the possibilities,” Jim said out loud, in case the Ghost Council decided to chime in after all. He paced around the Soothscryer. “It’s supposed to help defeat Gunmar. It’s an eye, so … insight to his strategies? Can I spy on him through it somehow?”

Except, hadn’t Vendel said there was a stone for that already? A glimpse into your enemy’s mind …

Well, a backup would be helpful to have if it turned out they did the same thing.

“Or is it like those old superstitions where you can use a piece of somebody to harm them remotely?”

Some human cultures advised caution in disposing of one’s shed hair and nail clippings for that reason. Jim didn’t know if any other trolls had analogous beliefs, but since stone flesh was literally magical it did come up among Changelings sometimes.

“Or like magnets. Can he not touch me if I armour up with the Eye in the Amulet? Not like I can test that, or like it’ll be any use in letting me kill him.” And the Triumbric Stones were supposed to be key to defeating Gunmar, not having a stalemate with Gunmar.

“Or is the legend just inaccurate?”

Not the most appealing thought, but now that it had occurred to him it would be stressing Jim out. What if they put all that time and energy into tracking down and cleaving the Triumbric Stones and they didn’t even turn out to do anything?

“Any time you guys wanna weigh in on this,” he hinted at the previous Trollhunters.

Jim sat on the Forge floor, leaned back against the Soothscryer, and closed his eyes. The Soothscryer dropped into the floor, sending Jim sprawling back with a yelp.

“… Very funny.”

“Jim?” AAARRRGGHH entered the Forge. His steps were slow at first, and then Jim heard him hurrying across the bridge. “Jim okay?”

“Yeah, just, aggravated.” He knocked on his breastplate beside the Amulet. “Stricklander got Gunmar’s Eye for me, and Vendel taught me how to cleave it, but I – I can’t figure out what it does. I thought it would – would make me stronger, or tougher, or give me a new weapon, but – nothing! I’ve been training for hours and, and I haven’t been able to do anything I couldn’t before, and apparently the Ghost Council wants me to figure this out on my own, so they’re no help.”

“AAARRRGGHH help,” said the bigger troll decisively. He picked up the human-shaped Changeling and plopped him on his shoulders. “Jim tired. Sore. Anger-vated. Hard to think. Need rest.”

And he started carrying Jim out of the Forge.

“… Where are we going?”

“Library. Quiet there.”

AAARRRGGHH was tall, and his fur was thick. Jim was mostly hidden by it. He wasn’t sure anyone noticed him as AAARRRGGHH walked through Trollmarket.

Why was AAARRRGGHH carrying him? Jim had been sure AAARRRGGHH no longer trusted him that much, but here he was, giving Jim easy access to his scruff, his neck, all the vulnerable spots on his back …

Inside the library, AAARRRGGHH did not shrug Jim off. He simply settled into his usual corner – a space relatively clear of shelves, so AAARRRGGHH wouldn’t block access to anything important if he dozed off – and opened one of the larger, less delicate books to where it was bookmarked.

“Rest,” he said. “Talk when ready.”

It was always sort of comical to see AAARRRGGHH reading. Even the tallest and widest volumes, books that the humans had to leave on tables and turn pages of both-handed, looked small in his hands.

Jim climbed further up AAARRRGGHH’s back to read over his shoulder. AAARRRGGHH noticed, and repositioned the book so they could both see it better.

It was one that Blinky had written. Possibly one he’d written for AAARRRGGHH, considering the dimensions. It was about Blinky’s observations of human culture. The current chapter was about different gardens Blinky had seen around human homes, identifying some plants that were beneficial or harmful to trolls, and speculating on the purpose of the others.

They read in silence for a while.

“It’s just,” said Jim, when they reached the end of the chapter, “I can’t afford to mess this up.”

AAARRRGGHH moved the flattened strip of braided leather to its new place and closed the book.

“I can’t take Gunmar in a straight fight, which leaves assassination. So if there’s a specific weapon I need to kill him for real, and nothing else is gonna work, then I have to know how to use it. And I have to get it right the first time, because I probably won’t get a second shot.”

And because, if Jim failed and Gunmar realized a Changeling was behind the assassination attempt, then all the other Changelings still trapped in the Darklands were as good as dead.

“And … and if I can’t unlock the first Triumbric Stone, what does that say about my chances with the other two? And what if I messed up cleaving the Eye, so now I can’t unlock that stone, and Gunmar’s gonna live forever and it’s my fault?”

“He won’t,” said AAARRRGGHH. “Wizards live long, age slow, but can die.”

“… I don’t suppose you know any weaknesses of his?”

“Hm … Not good at trusting, so won’t have guards to sleep.”

“Huh. You know, I honestly never realized he slept? Like, logically he has to, but I���d never thought about it. I’ve only ever seen him on his throne or leading hunting parties. If the stones really do give me a new weapon, that would probably be my best shot at him.” Jim sighed and sagged. “If.”

“Maybe stones only work with all three,” AAARRRGGHH suggested.

“That could be it. I hope so.” Jim drummed his fingers against the Amulet. “I’m going to take the Eye out and train some more without it. Just in case it’s messing with my head. Would you hold onto it for me?”

“I help.” AAARRRGGHH shrugged. Jim nearly fell off his shoulder. “But Eye very small. Might leave with Blinky instead.”

“Where is Blinky, anyway?”

“Doing errands,” said AAARRRGGHH in trollish. “Haggling takes time.”

+=+

Tobias Domzalski, ‘Toby’, age 16, sophomore student at Arcadia Oaks Public High School. Orphaned age two, raised by paternal grandmother Nancy.

Closest friend, boy from across the street, Jim Lake; no close friends besides that, though occasional mentions of friendly acquaintanceship with classmate Eli Pepperjack.

Fond of geology, video games, stage magic. Natural predisposition to showmanship.

Family history of clinical depression. Personal history of emotional eating, being mocked by peers for braces and weight. Probable fear of rejection/abandonment.

Next appointment rescheduled to earlier date for unclarified reasons, severe enough for guardian to call in at 5:30 in the morning but not severe enough for guardian to feel immediate emergency response was needed.

“Good afternoon, Toby. Come on in.”

“Hi, Doctor A.”

He wandered over to the window first. There was a tree between the building and the parking lot. She wasn’t sure which, if either, he looked at.  He sat in the squashy armchair.

Dr Tiffany Archenn had three chairs in her office besides her desk chair, with various degrees of softness. There was a well-stuffed armchair that the sitter noticeably sank into, a stiffer but still upholstered one, and a sturdy wooden armchair that patients with joint problems invariably chose because it was the easiest to get up from.

“Anything in particular you’d like to start with today?” she asked, in her cultivated gentle tone.

“Well, I’ve made some new friends.” He smiled, showing a glint of metal. “Some girls from school decided to start hanging out with me and Jimbo. One of them, Claire, had a crush on him at first, but they kept having lunch with us after he turned her down. They’re a lot of fun.”

Tiffany nodded. After centuries of practice, writing notes was like knitting for her; she no longer needed to look at what she was doing, though sometimes she did anyway if a patient was bothered by prolonged eye contact.

“What sorts of things have you been doing together?”

“Well, lunch, like I said, and Darci and I have been playing Mobile Go-Go Sushi. Sometimes we all go out and explore – uh, the trails around town, or the museum, or, like, little stores we’ve never been in before. And we’ve been … LARPing. That’s ‘live-action role play’.”

She knew that already, but she just nodded.

“It’s a fantasy game. Jim’s the most into it. He was actually doing it solo for a while before we found out, but now we’re all involved.”

‘Before we found out’. Not ‘before he told us’ or ‘invited us’. Now that was interesting.

How was Toby handling his closest friend having done something alone instead of sharing it with him, until Toby and the new additions to their social circle became involved all at once? How was he handling suddenly having to share his friend?

“Are you enjoying this game?” she asked leadingly.

“… Mostly. It can get pretty intense sometimes.”

“How do you mean?”

Toby twisted his hands in his lap. There were some fidgets on the windowsill and the side of the desk her patients sat on, but he didn’t use them often anymore.

“A couple weeks ago, we had a school play,” he said. “Claire and Mary were in it. Claire’s character died. Seeing that was like – like the stakes of, of the game, just got real. I had a nightmare that she died for real. It shook me up a lot. That’s when Nana called you.”

“I can see why that would be distressing.”

Emotional conflation was different from delusion, so this was probably not a sign that Toby was beginning to struggle with telling fiction from reality. Fearing for a friend’s wellbeing in a play or game and having that spill over into genuine concern for that friend’s safety was more likely related to Toby’s fear of abandonment.

She was surprised the fear was centred around one of the new friends rather than around his friend of longest standing, but it sounded like the death scene in the play had been the tipping point.

“Has this changed how you’ve been acting in your game?” Dr Archenn asked. “Or how you’ve interacted with your friends in general?”

“I’ve been more careful. Taken my training more seriously. I switched weapons – picked one I could actually use now instead of just the one I thought was coolest.”

“Has that helped?”

“A little.”

“Would you prefer a different game?”

“I couldn’t!” He shook his head. “Jimbo’s gonna do this with or without us – I can’t just leave him.”

Okay, now Tiffany was wondering if ‘LARPing’ was really a cover for some illegal activity these kids had stumbled into. Stupid Walter, leaving town right before she needed intel on some of his students.

“You don’t feel able to change overall aspects of this … game, only how you play?”

“… Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.”

“And you’re confident that your friends wouldn’t” – or can’t – “drop it to play something else?”

“Jim’s committed.” Tobias’ eyes widened at his own words. “I mean, he’s like, really emotionally invested in this fantasy world, you know? He’d feel really bad about giving it up. I can’t ask him to do that.”

Okay, so clearly Tobias’ friend Jim was the key to all of this. Considering the boys had been each other’s only friend for ten years, it was unlikely Tobias would be easily convinced to let go to save himself. He’d said twice in five minutes that he could not abandon Jim to whatever they were really doing, nor extract Jim from it.

She might be reading too much into this, Tiffany reminded herself. Toby might be being entirely literal, especially since he’d already volunteered so much information with so little prompting.

“Tell me some more about this game you’ve been playing.”

“Uh … well … it kind of started as Jim trying to write a fantasy novel, I think. He’s, like, this destined hero, a magical knight chosen to defeat an evil troll king. The rest of us are, um, fellow questers who’ve joined up with him. He wants to protect us by fighting alone, but …” he trailed off.

But you don’t want to be left behind by being cut out of something your friend is investing time in? Tiffany did not suggest. It would distort the accuracy of her analysis if she put words in her patient’s mouth.

“But none of us want to give it up,” Toby settled on.

He didn’t say more. Maybe the tension between Jim and Toby was because Jim had wanted to write this story alone and resented his friends inserting themselves into the narrative? Tiffany set out another prompt.

“You mentioned you chose a new weapon recently. Do you all have weapons?”

“Yeah. I’ve got a warhammer. I had one to start with, I just, switched to a lighter one. Because, um, my character stats meant I couldn’t lift the first one yet. Jim and Mary both have swords, Claire’s got a spear, Darci has a crossbow.”

“No spellcasters in your party?”

Toby laughed nervously. “Sometimes there’s magic artifacts, but, no, no spellcasters.”

+=+

Claire got her bleach and developer out of the cupboard, adding them to the rest of her materials.

“Whatcha doin’?” Not Enrique asked her.

“Seriously? Do you have no concept of privacy? I’m in the bathroom right now!”

“You didn’t shut the door.” He tapped the join between the hardwood floor he was standing on and the bathroom tiles.

Okay, fair point, not that she’d being saying so to him.

“I’m touching up my roots.”

“I got no idea what that means.” He stood up on his back legs (or just ‘legs’? He went on all fours most of the time, like AAARRRGGHH, but most trolls Claire had seen were bipeds) and squinted past her. “You got a plant in there?”

“No, I mean my hair.” She crouched on the floor and tugged her blue streak. “It’s growing out, so I have to dye the parts that don’t have colour yet.”

Not Enrique just blinked at her. “You … kill your hair to change its colour? But, Ma and Pa take me with ’em to the hairdressers sometimes, and none of the stuff on the floor turns different colours.”

Claire grit her teeth at hearing him refer to her and Enrique’s parents like they were his too.

“It’s not that kind of dye. Dee-why-ee, not dee-eye-ee. It’s like a paint.” She sighed. “Look, I’ll show you.”

She pulled on her rubber gloves and separated her dyed streak from the rest of her hair with foil.

“I’m just bleaching it today. I have to do that a couple of days in a row, because it takes a while to get it light enough for the colour to show up.”

She mixed the bleach with the developer, which helped bleach to penetrate hair, and some red-gold corrector, which made it more effective on dark hair. Claire carefully painted the goop into her hair.

“In about half an hour, I’ll wash this off, and the hair it was in will be lighter brown instead of black.”

“Wild.”

“So, what, did you think some of my hair was just naturally blue?”

“Yeah? I’ve seen lots of humans around with more than one hair colour.”

“… Fair point,” she admitted. Between the people with hair streaks like her, and anyone starting to go grey, and people with fully-dyed hair whose roots were showing, not to mention how technicolour troll hair could be, he’d have no reason to suspect some human hair colours or patterns were unnatural.

Claire folded the foil around her hair and carefully clipped it so it wouldn’t slip off. She wiped out the bowl she’d mixed the bleach in using paper towels and wrapped them in a bag to throw in the trash, rather than dumping bleach down the drain. It wasn’t good for the local water table. Claire took off her gloves and tidied everything else away. She set her phone timer so she wouldn’t damage her hair by leaving the bleach in for too long.

“What was that you were saying earlier?” asked Not Enrique. “Bout the different kinds of die. Dee-why-dee-eye?”

“They’re spelled differently,” said Claire. “So if you see it written down, you can tell which kind somebody means. It’s called a homophone when a word’s like that,” she remembered from an elementary school grammar class on the different kinds of words.

Claire left the bathroom. “Come on.” She went to their – her – mother’s home office, and took a sheet of paper and a pen. She wrote ‘die’ and ‘dye’ on the paper and handed it to Not Enrique, who held the page upside down. “Other way up. See the difference?”

He flipped the page. “Which one’s for hair and which is for killing?”

“D-Y-E is for recolouring stuff. It’s not just hair, you can do with cloth too.”

He pointed at the correct word. “That one’s the Y? Like in the alphabet videos.”

“Yeah. You know what?” Claire decided. “I’m gonna teach you to read. I know, I know, you’re picking it up,” seeing his insulted look, “but you’ll learn faster with a teacher.”

“You just wanna use me to spell-check the trollish homework Blinkous gives you.”

“Like you’d be useful for that when I’m the one teaching you.”

+=+

Previous Chapter (Jim gets and cleaves the Eye of Gunmar)

Table of Contents

Next Chapter (Visiting the Quagawumps to ask for the Killstone)

I learned how to dye hair streaks for this chapter! I’ve been thinking about doing them in my hair for a long time but never bothered because my hair’s really dark brown and all the bleaching sounded like a nuisance. Now that I’ve looked into how it’s done, it still sounds like a nuisance, but I might try it.

Dr Archenn does not suspect Toby knows about real trolls yet, because ‘fighting an evil troll’ is pretty standard fantasy fodder. Even if he’d mentioned Jim being ‘the Trollhunter’, that sounds like a generic term, so she wouldn’t get truly suspicious without further evidence. If he’d mentioned Gunmar by name, on the other hand, that would have been enough for her to call in some favours and put this kid under surveillance.

So, how about Wizards, huh? Deya’s portrayal gave me a bunch of ideas for her portrayal in this fic! Since I am not going with the idea of her being the first Trollhunter, I’ve also developed a whole bunch of backstory that will be revealed later about the Trollhunter job’s origins in this timeline. I’ll be sticking with some plans I already had as to the timing and motives of Morgana inventing Changelings.

[dreadnought-dear-captain]

You Asked, I Told

(Note, if this post shows up twice or massively delayed or just looks weird, it’s because it was flagged for adult content [??!] because I had a picture of Willem Dafoe’s face in a gif. I am not even kidding. Do with that information what you will. I’ve removed it and I still don’t know if/when this can be publicly viewed, I’m kind of lolling. So if you see a blocked out photo that looks like porn in your post, I swear it’s just a gif from The Lighthouse!)

Hello, amazing people. This weekend, I’m putting the final touches on my last draft of Baghdad Waltz Chapter 39, which will then go to the beta for one more round of edits. I imagine I will have the chapter posted in 1-3 weeks, which is close to record speed for me, especially since it’s around 30k words. I’m going to be talking about my writing process (at unfortunate length) for one of the asks, for those who are interested. 

Please forgive me. I’m feeling quite verbose and a little squirrely. I blame living alone during lockdown. 

It’s also Memorial Day weekend in the States, which is when we are meant to honor those who gave their lives in military service to this country. This is often confused with Veterans Day (November 11), which is honoring anyone who has served in the military and is no longer serving. This gets further confused with Armed Forces Day (rotating date, May) which is to honor those currently serving in the military. I know, super confusing. 

There’s a wide range of opinions on how Memorial Day should be commemorated, which often involves gathering with friends and family for a barbecue or some other social activity. It’s the first major holiday after a huge holiday drought throughout the late winter and spring, which often makes people look forward to it immensely. Some people feel it’s inappropriate to celebrate Memorial Day with barbecues and fond social gatherings because it’s dishonoring the memories of those who can’t be here, people don’t take time to remember those who have died, people have no idea what the day is actually for, etc. Others, even some very vocal veterans, maintain that people died so that we could be here to celebrate in freedom, so why not relish this life we have? Many offer the caveat that it’s appropriate to at least acknowledge the purpose of the day, even if it’s just in a few minutes of quiet reflection. 

Anyway, I offer this as a little food for thought for this upcoming long weekend. 

(And in case you missed it, I posted a BW Timeline for your reference.) 

Contains spoilers through Chapter 38.

[Takes deep breath]

I’m so glad that you are enjoying the read and that you’re finding it inspiring for your own work. I think my dedication to research for BW is threefold. 1) As this story evolved, I decided that I wanted to create the most realistic depictions of military, civilian, emotional, and physical life that I reasonably could. I will fully admit to lapses in this, deliberate and unintentional, because sometimes the plot just needs to go and I can’t wait around for a year-long medical discharge process for my character. 2) I’m in an academically stringent occupation, and because research is such a prominent part of my work life, it’s bled to my hobby. (IS THIS EVEN A HOBBY ANYMORE?) And 3) I get very easily and passionately obsessed with things and delight in getting “into the weeds” with a subject. Almost every research divergence usually takes me off track for at least an hour. And you will never catch me without an MTA subway map open in at least one tab.

But that wasn’t even your question! Sorry. Are you beginning to get a sense of why BW takes me so long to write?? I cannot keep my shit on track. As for the bibliography, YES! I plan to include that in my author’s note at the end. I wish I had kept better track of all of my works consulted over the past three years, but I will definitely discuss the importance of some of the main ones. I’m so thrilled that you are interested, and I’m excited to share them!

Thank you. This is such a kind thing to say, and I’m humbled and delighted to hear it, especially because our fandom is so blessed with some AMAZING fics. And asks certainly don’t have to be questions! I appreciate them all (except the flaming bag of dog shit ones, which I haven’t had in a while, hooray).

(Re: Chapter 37) Good question! I imagine Claire would want to keep the 1:1 conversation somewhat limited, as she is treating the couple as a patient rather than them as individuals. If anything, she might have somewhat superficially checked in to see if he was okay rather than dive into anything regarding the relationship with Bucky not around. That could be seen as a betrayal of trust to Bucky and could be interpreted as favoritism, which Steve craves and which Bucky is probably terrified about.

I am always pleased when people re-read and enjoy it or get new things out of it, even if it’s sometimes a re-read is a function of my slow-ass writing. I really want a story with good re-read value.

You make an excellent point about Bucky’s relationships. His friendship with Jack also had no real closure. Sometimes this is a factor of circumstance and sometimes it’s because of his avoidance, like a self-fulfilling prophesy almost. He’s learned that people betray you, either by hurting you or dying, so he creates conditions sometimes (often unwittingly) for things to go sour and end poorly, or he will simply make himself disappear so that he’s not hurt and doesn’t have to wait to see if he will be abandoned or betrayed. He’s not a guy who is good with goodbyes.

As for Thor, I totally see how it would read that way. I think Thor started out fishing for longer-term possibilities in a romantic relationship but then realized Bucky is really not a guy who is comfortable settling (which, as we can see, is true). As for why it seems more serious, one thing is that Thor still wanted Bucky in his life as a friend, possibly one with benefits. They have a lot in common, and it’s hard for veterans - and, more specifically, special operators - to find people in their lives they can relate to with these very intense life experiences. I wanted this to be a real relationship, but maybe not necessarily one that was bound to become a RELATIONSHIP. I think Bucky was very intriguing and attractive to him, and he very well may have struggled with his own vacillation between whether to take it seriously or whether to remain friends+. This can lead to mixed messages.

And we also have to remember Bucky’s notoriously unreliable narration, where he will see what he wants to see. Our perspective comes from him. We see the details he zooms in on, miss the one he ignores, view the relationship through the lens of his own contentious desire for a real relationship, even as he consistently demonstrates the lack of capacity and his fear about getting serious. I imagine Bucky has having an extremely poor ability to distinguish friendship from romance, and why wouldn’t he, given the most recent bit of history we have learned about him with Jack? He’s had a series of friendships become sexualized, and I think this affects his capacity to be discerning. Bucky’s radar for relating, whether friendships, romance, or potentially dangerous sexual situations, is terribly mis-calibrated. How confusing for him and for the people in his life. Of course, everyone is free to interpret the dynamics of any relationship however they choose. These are just some of my thoughts.

I really appreciate observations from the re-read! Thank you!

I watched the video and you are right! This is definitely a Bucky song. Bucky’s sense of self is by turns profoundly distorted and lacking in grounding, especially now that he’s not in the military. He’s been in a low key existential crisis since he was a kid and has turned to drinking and sex and war to fill this horrible void, and although I can’t speak for what the artists here intended, I certainly sensed those elements here for sure. (Also, what an interesting choice for a music video…)

Thank you for sharing! I’ll add it to the unofficial BW playlist in the author’s note, which consists of various songs people have associated with BW and shared with me.

Good question! I started off this story picturing the actors who represent the characters in the MCU, because I figured we’d be picturing that when we read the fic anyway (though my beta told me she doesn’t see them as the actors, more like artists’ renderings of the characters, which I find interesting). So when describing their physicality, I tend to refer back to the MCU, since this is technically an MCU AU. But the longer I go with the story, the murkier the resemblance feels to me, especially when I think about Bucky, IDK why. I have also been considering doing something more with BW after I finish it (i.e., converting it into a proper not-bajillion-word novel, sunk cost and whatnot), in which case I would definitely change the characters’ appearance, names, cut MCU Easter eggs, etc. So when I try to think of who these people might be in future iterations of the story, things get even more blurred in my mind when I imagine them.

I wonder how other people see them??

So, with regards to PTSD clinical teams, there is some variation across VAs in the system. Some focus more on military-related trauma, whether it’s war, military sexual trauma, accidents, etc. as a way of concentrating their services and managing supply and demand. From talking with providers in these kinds of systems, sometimes you just NEED a military-related trauma, but you can be treated for, say, a childhood trauma if it’s more pressing. Other VAs are very open in their criteria, and you can see them for pretty much any kind of trauma that qualifies diagnostically for PTSD (or sub-threshold PTSD) without question. That’s why I love the expression “If you’ve been to one VA, you’ve been to one VA.” That said, it kind of doesn’t matter what kind of PTSD clinical team is at the VA in Manhattan, because Bucky has so much military trauma that he would very likely qualify to receive services in any PTSD clinical team. They just might focus on childhood stuff (if Bucky actually let them, which is another matter entirely).

This is a great question! Thanks for asking.

I love a snarky asshole Bucky so much, and I’ve tried to temper this version of him with enough hard-earned genuineness to offset it a little bit. It’s such a tender balance with him, because if you back him too far into a corner, he’s going to let you have it. But if you give him too much space, it’s hard to pin him down and wring something honest from him. He’s definitely learned to use humor and sarcasm to deflect from painful or uncomfortable situations, and it’s a very adaptive short-term strategy that makes him both endearing and infuriating to others.

But ugh, yeah, shit gets so rough around Chapter 28/29. I don’t know how to feel when people have really strong emotional reactions to this story, because one part of me doesn’t want to contribute to the crappy feelings people may already be struggling with — especially in the times of COVID — but I don’t want to be afraid to dive into the hurt these characters are experiencing. That’s why I recommend checking in with oneself before reading to get a sense of how much emotional bandwidth is available to manage the immense problems of two people struggling so much. I also think that for some people it can be cathartic or otherwise not-bad maybe (?), based on the feedback I’ve received. I also really try hard to balance out the painful stuff with growth, even though it can be terribly difficult to locate sometimes.

In comments to folks, and here, I often talk about adjusting the ticks on your measuring stick for progress, where instead of leaps of progress over feet/meters, we may be observing things on an inch/mm scale. This story is my most sincere effort at a “recovery is not linear” narrative, which I think is so much more reflective of real life for a lot of folks than a straight upward trajectory. Humans are such creatures of habit, and the lessons these characters have learned through their lives about themselves, trust, relationships, and how to manage emotions are very deeply ingrained — often through traumatic means. These are the lessons learned the hardest, with the greatest perceived consequences for change, and it takes real courage for us to be able to try new things even once, let alone to establish a reliable pattern of behavior. This can lead to a lot of frustration for us as readers/writer, and I come from a place of this being okay, because we are encountering a parallel process with the characters, who are frustrated with each other and themselves about the same things. I do hope the pain/progress/joy ratios are not horribly out of whack most of the time. That’s another reason I like long chapters, because if this was just blips of sometimes terrible episodes in shorter form, I think it would be very challenging to not lose hope entirely.

But I’m so glad you’re finding the read meaningful, even if it’s sometimes painful and difficult.

(YES.)

And FINALLY -- (this is all soooo long, I’m so sorry.)

Oh, thank you for this question! My spreadsheet ended up getting too difficult to manage, and I actually had a small crisis six months ago about how the fic was going to end, because it just didn’t feel right. I had to scrap it and go back to the drawing board and really ask myself - what would these characters really do? Naturally, as a factor of their psychologies and circumstances, how will they bring this story to an end? Some advice I once heard about a “satisfying” ending is that it’s the place where there’s simply nothing more to say about the characters. There’s no more story to tell. I had to abandon all of my desires  and ideas for a particular ending or concerns about making people sad or happy or excited or disappointed. I know that the only ending that will be satisfying is one that makes sense for these people. Anything contrived or backward-engineer-y wouldn’t feel right to anyone. I do have a couple of specific character arc things I want to happen, so I set those down as touchstones and said, okay, what would happen next? What would Steve do with this? And what would Bucky do with this? And what would they do with the thing the other person did? I take a very psychology and prior-behavior-based approach to plotting, almost all character driven. The rest is just figuring out what is supposed to go where and how to organize it.

I’ve converted everything to a Google Doc and have a very basic outline where I write plotty-plot stuff. I also have a “garbage dump” doc where I write certain lines I want to use or certain details I want to include somewhere. When I get into a new chapter, I’ll check the dump doc as I outline and write to see if I want to pluck anything from there. I have my outline open regularly to add to it. Sometimes I write scenes out of order, dialogue first, but that’s only if I really am excited about a particular scene and cannot contain myself. Otherwise, I write completely chronologically and have no buffer. I post things as soon as I write them.

As for your specific questions, I do have a “process” for getting into my characters’ heads. It helps to know them so very well and to have a firm sense of their idiosyncrasies and patterns of behavior. As you may have noticed, they repeat their patterns all. the. time, as humans do, but I also want to have them change their behaviors a little as things go and they progress. So I may wonder what they could do a little differently, why they would WANT to behave differently, and imagine what they would need to do to change their behavior. Do they need to take breaths? Do they remember the last time some shit went down? I really try to think of the “how” and “why” of every single action - from big blowouts to eye rolls.

So once I’ve figured out what they are going to do, I try to pinpoint the associated emotions I want to highlight. This is a whole separate process, because I have to think also about their internal versus their external emotional states. Steve, for example, will often have a discrepant inside and outside, because one of the truths about his character is that he is a chronic suppressor. There is also the issue of unreliable narration and interpretation of behavior. Steve might do something in a scene, but that doesn’t mean Bucky is going to interpret it the way it was intended. I have to think about their individual filters, which often reflect their internal beliefs about themselves. Bucky is more likely to read Steve’s actions as reflections of how BUCKY feels about HIMSELF (e.g., he’s disgusted by me because I’m disgusting) rather than imagine what Steve is really thinking based on his own experiences and beliefs about Bucky. I also attempt to convey some of the more second and third layer emotions that people have in situations, rather than only highlighting the primary emotion. Sad things don’t always just make people sad. Powerful emotions, for example, might make Steve feel out of control of himself, which could generate secondary emotions for him like frustration because he’s losing control. Part of the process in the construction of the narrative is also scrubbing what I’ve written for POV, because Bucky’s word choices aren’t the same as Steve’s, and in order to try to preserve the “voice” of each character, I often have to change the words I’ve opted to use, as well as the syntax.

So, as you can see, there’s a lot of layering that is happening all the time. As for the dialogue, I have no compunction about saying the lines aloud, “acting” them to see how they sound, to get a sense of what tone I want them to say things in. Now that I think of it, I do a bit of movement-based stuff, thinking about how people sit and stand, figuring how many steps it takes to get from A-Z, what it would look like to lean against something, how it would feel on the body, etc. I try to get the most felt sense of things as I can. If I’m imagining a scene, I try to put myself in the shoes of the characters to the point where I feel the emotions, just so I can know how it reflects in my body and my mind and behavior. I have more than once gotten drunk and drunk-written drunk Bucky then gone to clean it up later, as drunk writing can generate some great content I never would have been able to come up with sober, but the form, grammar, spelling, etc. is often rubbish. I also talk a LOT to my beta about all of this stuff, and I have certain friends and acquaintances in the fandom who are my consultants for various things.

So, I’m somewhat method I guess?? Is that a thing?? I dunno. It’s not hard to do when you live and breathe a story. It’s required a deep level of interest in - quite possibly an obsession with - the characters and their lives. I adore my characters, not in a self-congratulatory way, but because they feel so real to me. So it’s a joy to plan and write -- though I do hate first drafts with a passion.

OH - I also sometimes fast-draft chapters, which I did for 39. That is, write as FAST AS YOU CAN with no regard for how shitty the writing is. I wrote 10k words in a week, which was a finished fast-draft for me, and thus I had a very good felt sense of what was going to happen in the chapter, which felt amazing. It requires intensive outlining before, and nearly every word had to be rewritten, but one of the greatest frustrations of a story for me is having blank space ahead. Re-writing is way more fun than first draft writing. I have fluffed it up twofold with higher quality content, which I did all in less than two months…!! 

-------------------------

Well, this is surely my most unnecessarily yammering YAIT in history. But I hope it at least conveys my enthusiasm for these wonderful asks! It’s so lovely to hear from all of you, even if I take an eon to get back to you. Hang in there, everyone!

@grimshady @hutchhitched​ @b0n3l3ssm1lk​ 

(And thank you to @bae-buckyaboveeverything​ for the shout out. You made my day<3)

[peterstanslizzie]

Re-watching Lizzie Mcguire: Episode 1.12 (Between a Rock and a Bra Place)

The Fan Favorite Episode

- Lizzie and Miranda are lamenting about having to play dodgeball in PE class. They also express their concern about falling behind some of the other girls in their grade because they are now wearing bras unlike them.

- Because of girls like Kate Sanders, they think that wearing a bra will automatically make one popular and empowered in a way. So, they feel like it’s high time they should start shopping for bras.

- Miranda asks Lizzie if her mom, Jo could drive them and drop them off at the mall after school. However, Lizzie thinks that she will want to come along with them. Miranda suggests they should lie to her and tell her they want to shop for school supplies, which should be able to signal to Lizzie’s mom that they are going on a safe and innocent shopping excursion.

“I want a bra!”

They sure do look like they are up to something huh?

- Lizzie and Miranda arrive at Lizzie’s house after school and they prepare themselves to let Jo know that they want a ride to the mall to shop for school supplies. However, there are a couple of cracks in this seemingly full-proof plan; They are not specific enough in mentioning the type of school supplies they want and Jo even called Gordo to come over and join the girls.

- Obviously, Lizzie and Miranda are not keen for Gordo to come along because they are shopping for bras. They then express how Gordo doesn’t need to come along because he’s not in their class where they need those school supplies. But Gordo is in all their classes (except gym); So he doesn’t know what they’re talking about. Looks like they are dropping the ball on this one.

- Jo becomes highly suspicious towards all of this and she questions only Lizzie specifically on what she needs to buy at the mall and Lizzie starts to break down and well, we then get this iconic moment:

Lizzie really wants a bra y’all

- Jo is feeling extremely elated about this revelation from Lizzie and she is delighted to take both Lizzie and Miranda bra shopping. On the other hand, Gordo just feels weird about what just happened and he decided to dis-invite himself from this shopping trip.

Matt: The Martial Artist

My favorite episode of Matt to date

- Matt shows his dad, Sam a page of a magazine showing an advertisement for a ‘Jet Li Sweepstakes’ contest where one lucky person will get the opportunity to appear alongside the Chinese actor and martial artist in his new untitled movie as his new sidekick.

- Sam asks for his wife’s opinion about Matt applying for this contest and she isn’t down for it at first but after Sam tells her that Matt probably isn’t going to win and they will be seen as ‘cool parents’ after this, she then agrees to it.

- Sam wants Matt to go for the conservative essay writing option as their contest submission and as predicted, Matt isn’t too fond of writing one. But because Gordo has decided to stay back to help Matt and Sam with the contest by using his camera to film a short video submission for Matt, Sam has no other choice but to now go for the option of filming and submitting a video.

Lizzie and Miranda Are Grown Young Adults

Miranda is thinking to herself, “How did I get myself into this mess?”

- At the mall, Lizzie and Miranda feel very embarrassed about having Lizzie’s mom to help them shop for bras because Jo is a little too excited about it and teenagers are you know, embarrassed by their parents most of the time.

- They both try to ditch Jo by pretending to be lost but as soon as they scrammed, they bump into their English teacher, Mr. Coppersmith. Okay, who is he and why haven’t I seen or remembered him? I think he is a one-time, one-episode teacher?

- Jo spots them and their teacher and doesn’t seem to pick up on the awkwardness in the room and proceed to hand over a bunch of bras for them to try on, right in front of him.

- Next, we cut to Lizzie and Miranda at the changing room and they are discussing about really telling Jo that they want to shop alone. Jo interrupts their conversation and opens the curtains of the changing stall Lizzie is in. This clearly agitates Lizzie and she kinda snaps at her mom and tells her that they don’t need her help shopping and she needs to leave them alone.

That sudden change of expression done by Hallie was brilliant.

- I feel so bad for Jo; Teenagers can be so insensitive sometimes like me back when I was a teenager. Jo recognizes Lizzie’s frustration and decides to play it cool by not scolding Lizzie and even offers her $40 for them to shop for their bras while she waits for them at the food court.

- Honestly, this is some of the best acting in the show thus far by both Hallie and Hilary.

Gordo: The Director

I think Gordo is a really good male-figure for Matt to look up to, besides his dad.

- Gordo is using this opportunity to put his skills as a director and filmmaker to the test and already, he has planned out the kind of establishing shots he wants to take of Matt. Sam is quite unsure about all of this and he thinks that interviewing Matt and asking him generic questions is good enough for the submission.

- Gordo wants this movie to be big and is confident that this martial arts movie he is about to film is going to set Matt’s entry apart from the others.

One good thing I can say about this is nice try I guess?

- We watch some snippets of the film at first and it doesn’t look too good nor realistic. There was a weird voice-over work done by Gordo, which I guess is the style of dubbed Chinese martial arts films back then and the action scenes were terrible.

- We move over to the scene where Matt tries to take a pebble from his master’s (played by Sam) palm but the scene didn’t go as planned because Sam didn’t stick to the script. He feels that everything Gordo is doing so far is a rip-off of Kung Fu movies out there.

- He then pulls a Jo Mcguire and leaves the kids to do their own thing without him. But what they don’t know is that he has secretly called this guy named ‘David’ for some help. And we all know that this is the late great David Carradine (older brother of Robert Carradine who plays Sam), who starred as  Kwai Chang Caine in the 1970s series, Kung Fu and as Bill in the Kill Bill film franchise.

Kate and Claire Alert

- Lizzie and Miranda are not exactly sure on what they need to look out for when picking out a bra. The are just not familiar with bra sizes. To make matters worse, they bump into Kate Sanders and Claire Miller at the same store.

I think it’s cute that Kate is shopping with Claire and her mom

- We get some bickering at the beginning but things took a turn when they find out that Kate and Claire are both shopping with Claire’s mom. Lizzie and Miranda rub in their faces that they get to shop alone. I think shopping alone as a teen without your parents isn’t what I consider as ‘cool’.

- Anyways, this doesn’t stop Claire from giving them one her shady comebacks before they leave:

Their secret handshake is just a high five and a hair flip lol

Lizzie Needs Her Mom Back

- Lizzie and Miranda continue to be lost when it comes to bra shopping and Lizzie finally recognizes that she needs her mom now more than ever. They find Lizzie’s mom at the food court and try to apologize to her but Jo tells them that she can understand where they’re coming from and admits how embarrassing she can be.

- They admit that although they try to act like adults, they are far from being ready to handle all of this alone. Lizzie also apologizes to her mom for the rude behavior she displayed at the dressing room earlier. She realizes that the adult thing to do is to actually ask her mom for help instead of trying to figure out everything on their own. This is honestly a great lesson to teach to young girls and boys.

Here Comes David

I just get chills from this entrance. David had such amazing presence on screen.

- Matt and Gordo are struggling to film the ‘pebble taking’ scene without Sam and they decide to find him and plead for him to help them. The next thing they know, David pops into the backyard and greatness has basically arrived.

The Carradine Brothers

- Matt demonstrates some of his martial arts ‘skills’ to David and David tells him that he has a lot of work to do. That’s definitely a sure thing.

When the pupil becomes the masters

- We then get a cool montage of Matt’s Kung Fu training and fight scene with David to the legendary song ‘Kung Fu Fighting’ by Carl Douglas. Matt even nails the ‘pebble taking’ scene down. Afterwards, we get a chilling exit from David as he walks back into the house and disappears from a distance.

- Gordo then asks Sam who was that man who all of a sudden came and taught Matt Kung Fu and Sam responds to him and says he has “known him all of his life and is like a brother to him”. Well, that’s because he’s your real life brother lol.

Closing Off

- During Lizzie, Gordo and Miranda’s three way phone conversation, Lizzie remarks how she cannot believe Gordo spent an entire day with her dad and brother but considering the other alternative he had, he was happy with his decision. He just wants Lizzie and Miranda to give him the heads up next time when they shop for bras and other female-gender related items.

What a way to close an episode

- Sam pick up a phone call and on the other end of the line is the person calling from the Jet Li sidekick contest and to his shock and horror, Matt won the contest!

Overall Thoughts

- I can honestly say that this is one of the best episodes of the season so far. Lizzie and Miranda’s bra shopping story-line with Lizzie’s mom was hilarious and cringe-worthy to watch, but in a good way. I’m sure this scene had so many young girls who were able to relate to it.

- The lesson of recognizing and admitting you need help from your parents despite the flawed perception that adults always have to do things solo is very deep and it should be ingrained in every person’s mind.

- And finally, this is the first episode that I actually love Matt and Sam’s story-line. It was super entertaining to watch and although you can say it’s all action and comedy and there’s no lesson to take away from it, everything was executed perfectly. And I appreciate how they were able to get Robert’s brother David to appear in this episode since he was such a icon in the martial arts film and television genre.

[spaceorphan18]

Make Mine Music

So, Disney put all of it’s Animated Feature Films on Disney+ except this one.  Why? I’m not entirely sure? The Google isn’t being much help.  Maybe it’s because the first short is questionable in taste? It was edited out of the rare DVD releases.  I expected something explicitly racist but nothing stands out as such.  My biggest guess is that they couldn’t secure the rights to some of the songs, which is usually the case.  Who knows.  I expect at some point it’ll make its way back into the Disney canon. 

Meanwhile, though, all is not lost - I could find all the shorts on YouTube and other such video platforms.  Yay?  

So here we go, a run down of shorts you’ve probably not ever heard of.  

The Martins and the Coys - 

So, we kick it off with the most controversial little short.  It’s inspired by the whole Hatfields and McCoys thing -- which makes me wonder who thought that was a good idea to adapt into a children’s cartoon.  The story revolves around a bunch of dumbass rednecks who proceed to shoot each other dead until there are only two left.  And.  I had to stop and think about it as I was watching it.  It’s a cartoon, so it’s not graphic, and the ghosts all end up on clouds.  But --- this cartoon, seriously, had all of these idiots shoot each other dead in the first minute of this cartoon.  It’s incredibly morbid, and not really funny as Disney’s trying to make it off to be.  

The real ‘story’ is about a girl and boy left over from each family (lord help me, idk who is who), and they decide to fall in love instead -- except it’s stupid and dumb.  There’s nothing sweet about it.  Then there’s a five minute sequence of square dancing at the wedding, and afterwards, the girl and boy go back home, and still fight out the feud, because domestic violence is fun in kids’ cartoons.  

The whole cartoon is in bad taste, and I can see why they’d want to leave it behind.  Also, as a side note, the newlywed couple drive off in a car.  Which drives me crazy because this is the mid-19th century and no.  

Blue Bayou -

This was, like, a deleted scene from Fantasia, which was originally supposed to be set to Clair de Lune.  It’s literally just two birds flying around a literal blue bayou.  It would have worked, I think with the original music.  Instead, it’s the Ken Darby Singers singing a horrible song called Blue Bayou.  The audio quality doesn’t help it any - it truly horrid thing to listen to for five minutes.  But at least the animation is pretty.  

All the Cats Join In - 

So, the teens of Everytown USA dance to Benny Goodman.  That’s pretty much it.  I side-eye the fact that there’s an extended sequence where the teenage girl is drawn getting into and out of the shower merely because it seems the animators wanted to draw a nude girl.  You can also see the panties of the girls dancing, and there’s extended sequence where one of the girls gets upset that the animator made her butt look big.  Whatever.  Kind of opposite of the previous piece, I preferred the music over what was going on on screen. 

I’m also disappointed there weren’t more cats in something that self-identified as a cari’cat’ture.  

Without You - 

Unfortunately, it’s still decades before U2, and we’re subjected to this not great, depressing jazzy/Latino song about some dude waxing poetic, literally, abut missing the girl he loves.   The art is half way interesting as it tries to mimic the nonsensical lyrics of the song.  But the music was just irritating.  Again, recordings from the 40s, in general, don’t hold up well, but I’m also not a fan of this style of music nor this musical interpretation.  Sorry, Andy Russell. I’m sure you were a fine musician in your day. 

Casey at the Bat - 

I thought I had seen this one before somewhere, but the more I watched it, the more I realized that maybe I was just familiar with the poem.  It’s by far the most cartoonish and aimed at five-year-olds than anything that’s come before it, and I’m a bit meh on it.  By far the most interesting thing is the 40s comedic interpretation of the 1890s. 

Two Silhouettes - 

It’s two ballerina dancers (one male, one female) dancing to the title song.  You can tell that they’re live action people rotoscoped (apparently that’s what this is called) into the animation.  I mean.  You can tell that they were super excited about the idea of it -- especially, probably, after what they were doing with The Three Caballeros.  But silhouettes don’t really fit in (especially to the eyes of someone who is used to seamless CGI), and there’s a lot going on in the background, and most of it is not aesthetically pleasing.  Especially the color palette, which is kind of a barrage of colors that don’t look great together.  But mostly, this segment is just boring. 

Peter and the Wolf - 

This one I know I’ve seen before - most likely because it’s set to Prokofiev’s Peter and the Wolf, and I’m sure I watched in college to see how someone animated a short based on the narration of the music.  It’s the most straightforward cartoon so far, and turned way down compared to Casey at the Bat, which is a good thing.  It’s fine, it works.  Can’t say it was the most compelling thing, but it’s better than most everything else so far. 

After You've Gone - 

Another Benny Goodman piece.  I like Benny Goodman, so the music is at least enjoyable, and I’ll take the energetic pieces over the dreadfully boring ballads we keep getting.  The animation is the jazz instruments doing abstract things.  It’s fine.  The instruments on screen are reflecting what the music is doing in that moment, and while that should sound like an interesting idea, it’s really not that interesting on screen.  

Johnny Fedora and Alice Blue Bonnet - 

A fedora and a bonnet fall in love, and when they’re separated, the fedora has pines for his lost love until they reunite as hats for horses.  Thrilling, right? 

It does include the line: make your heart gay again.  And now I’m sad this isn’t about the fedora finding another fedora he can be life mates with. 

The Whale Who Wanted to Sing at the Met -

Well, I mean, ending on opera feels poetic if nothing else.  There’s a whale who sings, and a dude who thinks he’s swallowed opera singers instead of just being a whale who sings, because that is clearly more logical.  We get a montage of what looks like a meteoric rise to fame, only to find out that tragically the whale is harpooned instead of made famous.  I feel like there’s a metaphor in there somewhere.  While perhaps the most complex and compelling of all the shorts, I’m meh about opera, so I suppose I can just appreciate this for at least being innovated at the least. 

Final Thoughts: I don’t really understand who the intended audience for these shorts are.  Some are too silly for adults, while others are too drab and boring for kids (and lets face it - audiences who aren’t adults in the 40s).  

It felt more like the animators, who were scrapped for time because war, just threw things together that they were thought were interesting ideas, and nothing got really developed.  I’m also beginning to fully be fascinated by Disney’s obsession with the idea of parring music with visuals -- a theme in all of his films so far.  

I’m not sure any of this is outstanding work outside of mere curiosity from never having seen it before.   At least this calmer and, in a way, more enjoyable to sit through than the pummeling of whatever was on the screen during The Three Caballeros.  

[bellamyblinkingrapidly]

(Most) Fans Did NOT Boo Nikolaj Coster-Waldau at Comic Con—The Media is Deceiving You

Wow the media is really blowing things out of proportion on this one. I’ve seen headlines from Cosmo, Hello Giggles, Marie Claire, Vulture, Geek, Metro, etc. about fans booing during the GOT panel at SDCC. I haven’t read all those, but the first article I came across and read was from US Weekly. It’s linked below.

It is an extremely misleading article that is misreporting basic facts. How do I know? I was literally there.

[Not sure if I can post my video of SDCC without it getting taken down? If you guys have before, let me know and I’ll add it later]

Here’s a recount of events based off of the video footage I captured from the moment this article is talking about:

The moderator was Entertainment Weekly’s James Hibberd. He begins asking Nikolaj Coster-Waldau a question by mentioning that he felt Jaime’s true ending wasn’t when he died, but...

James Hibberd: when Brienne writes in the White Book that he died protecting his queen that even though your character’s off-screen in that moment that’s kind of the real endpoint for his character. You know, now that some more time has passed from the finale...how is this ending sitting with you?”

Nikolaj: It’s sitting the same way it did when it aired. I thought it was a great ending. I thought it was perfect for that character’s end—-in the arms of Cersei.

Nikolaj: *looks at audience with a bit of a smirk, knowing there’s Braime shippers out there*

Crowd: *A slight bubble of laughter begins*

Nikolaj: It made sense to me.

There’s some kind of shouting or maybe it was booing at the front of the stage. It interrupts Nikolaj slightly. I couldn’t make out what they said from where I was sitting, which was in the center right under the big screen... so roughly the middle of Hall H.

The majority of the crowd at this point is laughing, myself included. I took this moment as the audience being aware of the tension between Cersei and Jaime shippers and Brienne and Jaime shippers. There may have also been an element of people wanting Jaime alive and not liking his ending too, but because of the way Nikolaj emphasized “Cersei” the moment stood out to me as a shipping dispute.

It didn’t feel like, to me, the majority of the crowd was upset, angry, or demanding answers. It felt more like we were all aware, including Nikolaj, that Jaime’s death was a sensitive subject among the fans because lots of people wanted very different things to happen for him. As a result of that tension, we laughed.

Nikolaj: *looks at where the outburst came from and laughs*

Crowd: *laughs with him*

Someone on the panel: There’s always one.

Nikolaj: *laughs*

Nikolaj: Well that’s just my opinion. But I think for me the scene with Gwendoline Christie as Brienne when she fills in the blanks in the book was really beautiful. And I think that showed her understanding of Jaime and her love for Jaime. And I thought that was a beautiful scene.

Crowd: *claps and cheers*

This article says things like

“fans...booed Nikolaj...as he and other members of the HBO hit’s cast attempted to justify the divisive final season”

“critical—and quite vocal—feedback”

“boos from the crowd”

“fans launched into disagreement”

These words make it seem, to anyone who wasn’t there, like the majority of the crowd was upset, angry, and demanding answers. This isn’t true. Other cast members were not booed. Cast members were not asked questions that put them on the defense to justify the season. They were asked their thoughts, and if they had any insight to their characters. The majority of the crowd was eager to eat up every word they had to say, even if we disagreed.

It was a handful of people who contributed to the outburst during Nikolaj’s response. Not an entire crowd. It wasn’t a riot. Most people were laughing and smiling. This article is a complete distortion of the truth, and that’s sad.

There was a lot more cheering and laughing, but I guess that’s not as interesting to report on. No, you won’t probably read articles about the uproar of cheering for the Night King Slayer Maisie Williams or how many times Conleth Hill made us laugh.

It’s really ironic actually that the article quotes Conleth Hill...

Conleth: We’re very grateful for your fandom over the years, and I think this is the reality [the crowd in Hall H at comic-con] rather than a media-led hate campaign.

And then contributes to this hate campaign but publishing an article meant to add to the narrative that fans hated the season. There probably were a couple people booing upfront. But if 3 in over 6000 people booed and you report that the crowd booed, you’re completely deceiving your readers.

The reality is that thousands of people got in line and waited hours to see the last Game of Thrones panel at comic-con ever. We loved the story and show and characters even if the last season disappointed us. We supported the actors, and we wanted to hear their thoughts on the last season. We laughed and smiled and cheered. And for me personally, it made my entire weekend.

What’s bad is I didn’t know if I fully believed Conleth Hill that there was a media-led hate campaign. I was kind of like welll... the last season wasn’t good. People are allowed to report on that and be upset. But then this article from US Weekly came out and others with similar headlines, and I realized he was totally right. They are all just looking for something to add to the nasty narrative that fans hate Game of Thrones completely.

Two things that did happen during the panel:

Comic-con emcee Eddie Ibrahim asked the audience to be nice basically by talking about how comic-con is all about acceptance and whatnot... we were all kinda like uggggh

D&D bailed on coming last minute (and I’m glad because it probably would’ve been more hateful in the audience)

Time ran out for fans in the crowd to ask questions so all questions were asked by the moderator (and therefore were very respectful and not aggressive in any way)

Now I want to support the media. I don’t want to jump on the bandwagon of hating and mistrusting the media. That’s a very dangerous path to go down for this country, and I don’t support that. But I do support calling people out when they are doing something wrong. I support the truth, and this article did not tell the truth. It’s a disservice to readers.

We have to be able to trust news sources to get our information accurately because the reality is that we aren’t always there. I was there this one time, and that’s the only reason I know this article is being extremely misleading.

But I support journalists and media outlets who do their due diligence and offer a source of unbiased information about current events. If you want to read an article about comic-con, this one from the LA Times is much, much better. Everything has a narrative, and it’s not the article I would’ve written per say... but it does not distort the facts in order to get more clicks on the article. It delivers facts with minimal opinion fused into it.

Let me know if you guys have any more questions about what did or didn’t happen at the GOT panel at SDCC or if you see any more articles that seem to distort the truth or do a good job of reporting!

[yehet-me-up]

The Science of Attraction

Pairing: Hansol/Vernon x Reader (female)

Word Count: 3,669

Genre: Camp Counselor AU, Christmas fic

Rating: (F) - fluff/SFW

Summary: The 3rd Annual Jasper College Winter Camp Christmas Competition is off to a heated start. The middle schoolers you’re in charge of at your college’s winter break camp are a mess of hormones and crushes. But no one is more affected by the season than the counselors.

“You like him, don’t you?” says the sassy thirteen year old next to you for the third time.

Your jaw drops and you pause in your decorating to look at her. Bethany came to camp last year, as a twelve year old, and has only become more forthright and nosy in the year since. You snap your jaw shut and re-focus on stringing lights around the tree in the common room, ignoring her.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” you say in a desperate attempt to stop her loud, incessant questions.

“I think you do, and like, he’s soooo cute. And funny. And sweet. Why wouldn’t you?” she demands and you can feel her intent stare as she untangles more lights for you.

You give in and look across the large space to where to boys group is working on their tree. Although, you think with a laugh, it’s more resembling a trash heap at this point. One of their counselors, Vernon, is sitting on a couch, drinking a hot chocolate and directing his horde of middle schoolers around like basketball coach. 

You allow yourself a moment of weakness, three seconds to take in the casual way his hair falls over his forehead. The twist of his lips, the amusement in his eyes, as he lords over the space, his arm slung over the back of the couch. He’s like the big brother every camper wishes they had; all of the boys at camp look up to him with awe.

His head turns, as if drawn by your attention, and you snap back to face the tree so quickly your hair whacks you in the face. A flush rises in your cheeks and you fumble with the lights, desperate to not be caught staring. After a minute you look over at Bethany, who is handing you more lights with a look that so clearly says ‘told you so’ you want to burst out laughing. 

“I’ll tell Adam Rockford you like him if you say anything,” you tease and her eyes go wide. She opens her mouth to say something frantically but you cut her off. “How about we keep this between ourselves, hmm?” you offer, holding out your hand in a truce. 

She closes her jaw with a hmph and sighs, holding out her hand with resignation and shakes yours. She narrows her eyes with renewed focus at the tree. “Now, let’s get a move on. We’ve got to kick their asses. You know what’s at stake.”

You laugh - she looks like a mini general, your right hand in the battle for the victory. The dorm is relatively quiet for a Saturday afternoon. When school’s in session it’s a crush of bodies coming and going. Students off to late night study sessions, returning from sports practice, holing up in their dorms with movies and friends, or off to parties large and small. 

You smirk, thinking about how if this were any other Saturday night you’d be with your best friend, Claire. Either you drag her to the arcade in the basement of Miller Hall with your Astronomy major friends or she drags you to her sorority, forcing you into a dress and making you hang out at yet another get together in some fraternity’s basement. 

You’re definitely the odd couple – her the fashion merchandising major with the Louis Vuitton scarves and designer handbags, you the with the beat up Converse sneakers, permanent pen marks on your hands from doodling too much, and endless supply of space pun sweatshirts. Today’s reads Why didn’t the Dog Star laugh at the joke? It was too Sirius.

But you’d bonded over stapling reams of paper in the counseling during your work study placements freshman year and had only grown closer the last two years. She was off in Paris with her family, but she was obsessively teasing you about Vernon, asking how good he was looking this year and making you want to toss your phone into the nearest body of water.

Now that it’s winter break the dorms are almost empty of students. Your school is near a wealthy community, filled with parents wanting to get out of town for the holidays; off to islands and tropical resorts. Desperate for some time away, without kids. So two years ago your school offered free room and board for two weeks over the holidays to anyone who wanted to be a counselor at the ‘camp.’

You agreed of course. Your family isn’t big on holiday celebrations, and the break gave you plenty of time to get a head start on your reading for next quarter, and to use the showers without anyone else around. 

The only ones staying in the building aside from the security guard were the fifty or so students, seven counselors, and the faculty member who agreed to oversee this; Angie Callaghan, an English professor who was way more excited about the idea of a competition than any of the counselors or the students.

The first year it was simple – the team with the best floor decorations got to pick what movie everyone watched on Christmas Eve. The second year, things escalated. There was a cookie baking competition and a contest to see which team could wrap the most presents in ten minutes. 

This year, Angie’s gone all out. Tree decorating. Caroling. An Elf movie quoting challenge. Her right hand woman, a senior Architecture student named Sydney, has a permanent clipboard tucked under her arm, recording points. It was cute, you thought, how into it the kids got. They threw out taunts left and right to each other, tried to sabotage the other team’s efforts. 

And this year you’d heard that the teams had made a side bet under the table. The losing group has to run outside barefoot on New Year’s Eve in only their pajamas. Hence, Bethany’s steely focus as she critiques your light placement. A squad of pre-teen girls swarm around you, laying out ornaments and discussing strategy with an intensity usually reserved for disarming bombs.

A loud laugh comes from the other side of the room and your attention is once again drawn to Vernon. He’s bent over laughing at a boy who’s making a very inappropriate gesture with two ornaments. His eyes crinkle in the corners and you feel out of breath all of a sudden, struck again by how good looking he is, how magnetic his energy is.

When he showed up to the meeting for counselors freshman year with you, you were shocked. Two years ago he was the stereotypical frat guy. Black baseball cap on backwards, looking for everything in the world like he was trying to act as if he was too cool to be there. 

But over those first two weeks you saw the crack in his mask. The genuine smile that came to his face when he watched Blake Anderson get up his nerves and talk to his crush. How he stayed up late at night cleaning up the dishes and cups from the common room.

The way he swelled with pride when several of the students asked him what he wanted to major in over breakfast one day. He rambled on about business and majoring in something practical for a minute before he’d stopped short. Realized who he was talking to, realized he didn’t have to pretend to give a crap about ‘practical careers.’ 

He promptly started talking at the speed of light about his passion for video games and his desire to code the next Halo or Call of Duty. You were at the next table, grinning into your orange juice as the façade of the ‘too cool’ boy melted away to reveal someone who was just as big of a nerd as you were. 

The next year was even worse for you and the crush you were so intent on denying. You found him in the common room one night, consoling Bethany while she cried about how her parents had gone on vacation without her. And how she didn’t think they cared about her. He’d taken a deep breath, looked at her with her head in her hands, tears streaming down her cheek, looking like he wanted to cry himself at her distress. He’d turned and seen you in the doorway. 

You motioned to her to ask if he needed help and he happily scooted over to let you join them. The three of you had stayed up half the night, listening to her talk, offering words of comfort, stories, laughter and jokes to make her feel better. After she went to bed the two of you had sat there in a bubble of silence, regarding one another as if you’d each seen a new side of the other that you hadn’t noticed before.

You didn’t run into each other too much on campus, large that it was. Your departments, astronomy and computer science were only vaguely in the same sphere. But with your best friend’s involvement in the Greek life on campus, you saw him every now and again at parties. You gave each other friendly waves, nods of acknowledgement, as you passed in hallways, coming out of classrooms, in various living room parties. 

But now here you both are, yet again. Together in this in-between place, once more. Halfway between fall and winter quarters. Halfway between real life and this magical, dreamy holiday place. It’s getting harder and harder to stop yourself from wanting him. 

He’s never said anything about it, but you’ve felt his eyes on you. Seen the way that his attention lingers on you in counselor meetings. Noticed that he always tries to stand next to you in line for breakfast, giving you a wry smile when inevitably some hyper twelve year old cuts between. 

For someone who belongs to the largest fraternity on campus, he’s much more subtle than you would have expected. Wise beyond his years. Not that it doesn’t frustrate you to no end that he’s never made a move, but you can appreciate those qualities about him – his patience, the way his keen eyes seem to take in every detail of a person. The knowing smile he’d given you two days ago the night before camp began when you walked into the dorm together.

If the Christmas Competition is for the students, the unspoken challenge between you and Vernon is a game just for the two of you. Neither of you acknowledging this… thing between the two of you for the last few years. But this year feels different, the normal holiday magic feels charged with electricity. 

Last night, the first of camp, everyone had participated in the annual decorating of the dorm floor you were all staying on. Being the tallest of the group, he was chosen to hang the ceremonial mistletoe. You were pouring apple cider for everyone in the kitchen, but you’d come out just in time for him to step off the ladder. His eyes had caught yours, looking back between the mistletoe and you before giving you a knowing grin and walking off to put the ladder away. 

Frozen to the spot, you’d looked after him with a mix of longing and frustration, thinking he’ll be the death of you. Now he’s sitting on the couch with his legs wide, an easy grin on his face, and you can’t decide if you want to kiss him or dump water on him. A mix of both, if you’re honest. 

Finally finished with the lights, you move onto the ornaments, staunchly ignoring the way that you can feel his eyes on you as you stretch up to reach the top branches. Your team finishes first, of course. You pack up the supplies and head off to the store room with a smug look at him, giving the boy’s disaster of a tree a raise of your brow. 

The dorm being used for storage is a dangerous mix of boxes, packages, and wrapping paper. You do your best to organize the chaos for a few minutes, but suddenly you feel a presence behind you. Turning, you see Vernon in the doorway, leaning against the frame with his arms folded. 

“Can I help you?” you ask, feigning ignorance that there’s anything in the air between you two.

“Would you like a hand?” he offers innocently, motioning to the leaning tower of bags and boxes. 

“Oh, fine,” you huff out, edgy at the thought of being with him in such an enclosed space. 

He gives you a grin that nearly stops your heart before dramatically rolling up the sleeves of his sweater and diving in. 

“So, how were your fall classes?” he asks as he tries to balance an armload of wrapping paper.

“Fantastic,” you start, intending to give a one-word answer, but your excitement keeps you talking. “I’m finally in the advanced courses so we’re actually getting to work on real projects. We’re helping out the local lab with charting the beginnings of a comprehensive Oort cloud diagram,” you say, your voice raising several octaves in your excitement. 

When you look over at him he’s watching you with a soft smile, paused in his movements. You impulsively bring your hand to your face, worried that there’s something wrong. “What is it?” you ask, and he blinks and shakes his head. 

“Nothing. It’s just - you’re so cute when you talk science,” he says and turns to set down the paper on the desk, completely missing the way your jaw drops. 

Without a coherent response to that you busy yourself with organizing the boxes of granola bars on the dresser. “What about you, I think I heard you got an internship at Bethesda?” you ask, trying to keep your curiosity to a normal level. 

He turns around, eyes wide and excited. “Yes, it’s been incredible. The new RPG they’re designing – well, I cant give you any details, but it’s going to be huge. I can’t believe they accepted me,” he says and rubs his hand on his neck in a nervous gesture.

“I’m not surprised,” you start. “Jeff Calkins in my advanced database management course says you’re wildly talented. A direct quote.”

He looks stunned for a moment, then his lips pull back into a proud grin, making him too like a little boy who just won a first prize. You spend the next half an hour discussing your majors, your internships, both reveling in the fact that someone in your life understands your obsessions and passions. 

His hands make quick work of the mess, his body coming into your orbit as you move around each other; bouncing around each other like atoms in the small dorm room. The connection you feel to him only escalates as you watch his mouth form words with care, every syllable sincere and passionate. 

Your gaze lingers too long on him, unable to tear yourself away. The curiosity that’s been building in you for the last two years seems to simmer to the surface on this night, in this room. Your hands fumble with an extra string of lights as the fantasies you’ve had come rushing through your mind. 

His lips on yours, his hands on your hips, pressing you against the closet door of your dorm. 

His hand holding yours at parties, the sun you orbit around, no longer adrift on your own. 

His front pressed to your back, his hands next to yours as you play Space Invaders at the arcade.

Someone who can understand the need you have to make order of the universe, to create art out of data and numbers. Someone who exists between worlds, between cliques, with you. 

“Y/N?” he asks from behind you, startling you from your thoughts. 

You turn around to find him watching you, hands in his pockets, hip resting against the desk. “Sorry, I spaced out for a sec, what did you say?” you ask in a rush, your eyes unable to stop from wandering to his lips. 

His own gaze is distracted, taking in your flushed cheeks, the way you hold the string of lights as though it’s the only thing grounding you to reality. He leans off the desk, walking a step closer to you. 

“I asked if you were seeing anyone,” he says in a low voice, laced with hope. His warm eyes find yours, taking a deep breath in just as you feel all the air leave your lungs. 

Your brow furrows, your brain seemingly unable to form these words into a concept you can understand. You tell yourself you’re hallucinating, suddenly worried that your logical, fact based mind has slipped into insanity and started merging your dreams with reality. 

“Huh?” is all you can say, your shoulders slumping, lips pouting in confusion.

He laughs, delighted by your disbelief. Closing the distance between you in two strides, his hands pull the string of lights from you and set them on the bed. Gently he steps up to you, sliding his fingers between your own and staring down at where your hands have become interlocked. 

“Are you seeing anyone? I’ve always felt like we’d be good together. We somehow kept missing each other, passing each other. But I came to camp this year determined to find out if you want me too,” he says, slow and steady, as if knowing how surprising this must be for you. This sudden declaration of feeling. 

“I just – no? I’m not seeing anyone,” you manage, your sanity returning. “Wait. You and me? Really?” you ask, wanting to reaffirm that these are actual, real words he said. That he means what you think he does.

He nods, his eyes alight with laugher. “Yes, Y/N. You. Me. Together,” he says like he would explain to a child and you purse your lips at him. 

“You know how I feel about you,” you say plainly, wondering if he could somehow have missed the way you’ve been drawn to him these past two years. 

“I have no idea,” he says with a grin. “Why don’t you tell me about it.” 

You let out a laugh, lips twisting into a wry smile. “Well, first there’s the science thing. God, I love when you talk nerdy to me, too-” you start. Your words trail off on a sigh as he bends forward to place a chaste kiss to your cheek. A noise leaves you as his lips move lower, trailing down your neck, something between a whine and a moan.

“No, no, keep going, I’m enjoying this,” he says, teasing, his hot breath brushing your ear. His lips find the sensitive skin of your neck and you let out a surprised sound. You smother it with your hand, not wanting to draw anyone’s attention to the room.

Your eyes drift close as he continues to press warm, open-mouthed kisses there. You lick your lips and do your best to continue. “And you are so good with the campers, they love you. You show them that it’s okay to belong to lots of different groups, to be many different things at once.”

Finally he pulls back, the lightness in his eyes turning into something deeper. “I want to kiss you. So tell me right now if you don’t like me,” he laughs, releasing your hands and bringing his up to hold your face. 

“I like you,” you say in a rush. A second later he bends down to press his lips against yours, the moment stretching out as you try to wrap your mind around the fact that he’s actually here, in front of you, wanting you too. 

You bring your hands to his waist, folding yourself into his warmth as you remove any remaining space between your bodies. He moves against you, slanting his lips against yours and capturing them fully. You sigh against him, disbelief turning to passion as you catch up and pull back, needing to look him in the eye.

“So, wait. You like me too?” you ask with a grin. 

He laughs quietly, brushing your hair behind your ear with one hand. He nods, looking down at you with a cute smile. 

“Tell me all about it,” you say in a light voice, leaning over to press a kiss to his jaw, making him swallow dramatically. 

“Okay, let’s start with the fact that you have the current high score on Space Invaders, because that is incredibly hot…” he starts and you smile against his skin.

You emerge back into the main common room together, much later that night - hair ruffled, lips red and swollen, hands clasped together. The space is blissfully absent of middle schoolers or any other adults. The two trees stand at opposite ends, direct contrasts in skill level and aesthetic appeal. You stare at the mess that is the boys tree and smother a giddy laugh that he immediately notices. 

“Don’t say it,” he groans, his hands tickling your waist until you laugh and have to slap his hands away.

“But-” your start, holding your hand out indignantly to the monstrosity in the corner. 

“I swear I will break up with you if you say it,” he says, a lopsided grin coming to his mouth.

“Okay, fine,” your say with a huff, dropping your hand. A beat later, his words hit you. “Wait a minute… break up with me? Are we together now?” you ask, a wave of hope rising in you. 

“It took me two years to catch you. I don’t plan on letting you go any time soon,” he says warmly, leaning forward to kiss the tip of your nose.

“Okay, but that really is the saddest Christmas tree I’ve ever seen,” you laugh when he pulls back.

“Oh boy, you’ve insulted Clarence. You’re going to get it now, babe,” he says with a devilish smile, grabbing your hand to pull you against him. His eyes glance up to the mistletoe above your head before leaning down to kiss you again.

[tabletopontap]

Top 30 Anticipated at Essen Spiel 2019 (#30-21)

Welcome to my Top 30 list for Essen Spiel! I wanted to do a shorter list than Gen Con, but what can I say? When there are over 1,100 games on the SPIEL ‘19 Preview List (found at www.boardgamegeek.com --thanks to W. Eric Martin for putting the list together!), then it’s no wonder that I couldn’t trim it down. However, since I had more time to put this list together than I did for Gen Con, I’m actually putting games in order from my least-to-most excited about. Keep in mind that I haven't played any of these games before. My impressions are based on information found on BGG and Youtube. All pictures found in this blog post were taken from BGG. Thanks to the people who posted photos of these games. Now, without further ado, let’s take a look at the list.

30. Pangea - Coming from Redimp Games, Aleksander Jagodziński is the designer/graphic artist, joined by Joanna Kwaśniak for the artwork. Speaking of which, the art looks fantastic! Player pieces look like fossils encapsulated in different colored rocks. The player boards feature realistic creatures that could easily pass as some long-forgotten evolutionary species that predate dinosaurs. 

In this game, 1-4 players will spend 1-1.5 hours evolving and migrating their creatures across Earth in an effort to survive the catastrophic event at the end of the game. I believe there are a few different catastrophes, such as a giant meteor, to give the game more variability from play to play. 

Although the game looks beautiful, I have reservations about how much I would enjoy gameplay. I like the sound of researching the time track to try to figure out where on the board the disaster will hit, but the main mechanism is area control. In general, area control isn't my favorite game mechanism. I also worry that the game might be too heavy for my tastes. Boardgamegeek (BGG) weights it at 3.5/5. In the past, I've found that my gaming group always acts interested in heavy games, but then they seldom hit the table. At the end of the day, I'm left wondering if this is a game with cool components but just so-so gameplay for my personal taste.

29. The Aquicorn Cove board game - Based on Katie O'Neill's graphic novel, she's listed as the artist for this board game, which I think is pretty cool. I like it when original content creators get involved with other iterations of their work. The publisher is Renegade Game Studios, and a team of designers worked on it: Ben Eisner, Tim Eisner, Steve Ellis II, and Tyler Tinsley. 

There isn't much information on BGG about this game (for instance, there's no estimated time length or age range listed), but what caught my eye is the environmental theme and the fact that it's co-op. I like that this game is about being good stewards of the earth, highlighting human interaction with an aquatic environment. The main question I have about this game is the audience--is it a family game geared toward younger kids, or is it challenging enough for adults to enjoy, too?

28. Greenville 1989 - Designed by Florian Fay with art by David Sitbon, this looks like a darker version of Mysterium. This game is for 3-6 players in 20-45 min. and is published by Sorry We Are French. I noticed the recommended age group is age 16+, and I believe this rating is due to some graphic game content.

In this cooperative game, players have experienced a supernatural event and must describe their location, so their friends can find them. The card art evokes horror/suspense. 

For example, a card might depict a creepy clown or zombie arms reaching out to grab you. 

Whenever players don't guess the correct location, that character gets pulled closer to the void on the game board. If a character is lost, all players lose because this is a co-op. Together you stand, divided, you fall.

27. Race for the Chinese Zodiac - Designed by Christina Ng Zhen Wei and Yeo Keng Leong with artwork by Ray Toh, this is a racing game for 3-5 players in 40-70 min. There are two publishers listed, Starting Player and Simply Complex. I'm not sure if it's because it's an Asian game and has to go through different distributors to reach a worldwide market. 

I dig the theme here. Players are animals of the Chinese zodiac, racing to be the first to reach the Heavenly Palace. Whoever comes in first will be honored as the first in the twelve-year zodiac cycle. Players simultaneously play 2 cards from their hand in order to make progress in the race. There are a couple of YouTube videos out there to help learn how the game plays (look up Heavy Cardboard and/or Jon Gets Games). 

The main reason this game doesn't rank higher on my list is because my main gaming partner and I have had bad-to-neutral experiences with other popular racing games. I suspect you need higher play counts to properly enjoy most racing games.

26. AVGhost: Paranormal Investigation - Published by Mystical Games, the designers are Beatriz Alvarez and Pablo Miras, and the artists are Henning Ludvigsen, Pablo Miras, Jarrod Owen, and Nicoleta Stavarache. This horror-themed game is for 1-4 cooperative players age 16+ and takes 1.5-3 hours to play. It's a move and explore game that seems similar to Mansions of Madness (2nd ed.), but darker. Again, note the age limit.

The twist is that every character pawn has a flashlight. This game is meant to be played with the lights off. There are different flashlight lenses that will change the light's color. I think to get rid of certain spooks or to find certain clues, you have to have the right colored flashlight equipped. It seems cool, but I worry it might be a gimmick game only to be played once for novelty. Also, I'm not really a fan of horror, despite how many horror/suspense games have made it onto my list this year. What can I say? I can't get enough of co-op, and horror seems to be the popular theme for cooperative games this year. Maybe it's the success of Stranger Things and the revival of It. Who knows? I'd say it's because Essen Spiel falls close to Halloween, but that's true every year.

25. Chakra - Published by Blam! and designed by Luka Krleza with art from Claire Conan, this is going to draw eyes to the table. The gems are so shiny, the player boards are colorful and pretty. This game supports 2-4 players and takes about half an hour to play.

I'm hesitant about this game because respected board game reviewer, Tom Vasel, posted a critical review of this game on YouTube. His main complaint is that you can spend the whole game getting chakras aligned on your player board (ie. getting 3 of the same gem color lined up in a row), just to find out after the fact that the particular chakras you aligned aren't as valuable as another color you could've pursued. This makes winning feel more luck-based than skill-driven. If your opponent happened to get lucky in completing higher-valued chakras than you, you have no way to mitigate that. Despite Tom's valid critique, I would try out this game if I had the opportunity. I'm always looking for eye-catching games with simple rules that I can play with friends who aren't yet familiar with modern board games.

24. 50 Clues: The Pendulum of the Dead - Next up is the first of many "escape room in a box" type of games that made my list. "Escape" puzzle games is a fairly new genre that has taken tabletop enthusiasts by storm! This one appears to be self-published by Jeppe Norsker under Norsker Games. It supports 1-5 players age 16+ and takes about an hour and a half to play. 

This is the first of a trilogy of games that should be played in order. It has adult content that can be very, very dark, so you if you're squeamish about violence, don't pick this one up. I have no experience with the game, but another reviewer on BGG who has played it warns that the content can be too heavy for some people. He wrote, "One of my co-players ended up leaving the table in the middle of playing the second story-box, and they did not want to return for the third. I have never seen this strong of an emotional reaction to a board game (not even playing This War of Mine)" (https://www.boardgamegeek.com/thread/2273440/review-escape-room-enthusiast). In case you aren't familiar with it, This War of Mine is about living in a war-torn country, so that should give you an indication of how dark this game can get. I consider myself to be the type of person who doesn't prefer violent/dark/scary content, but because this is an escape game and it has a rich storyline, I'm curious about it. I realize I've been warned, yet I'm still drawn to it!

23. It's a Wonderful World - This card drafting game for 1-5 players is created by Frédéric Guérard, illustrated by Anthony Wolff, and published by La Boîte de Jeu. It takes about 30 min. to an hour to play. I'm guessing it only stretches to an hour with 5 people or one analysis paralysis (AP) prone player. I like card drafting and engine building, although my spouse tends to beat me at this style of gameplay. I like the sound of the campaign mode, but from the BGG description, it sounds like you would have to buy expansions to play it.

22. Skytopia: In the Circle of Time - Published by Cosmodrome Games, designed by Ivan Lashin, and illustrated by Timofey Mazurenk and Andrey Pervukhin, this game supports 2-4 players and takes 40-60 min. to play. 

Honestly, the only reason this game is on my list is because it has a big golem on the cover that reminds me of Century: Golem Edition. Kudos to the artists for grabbing my attention! 

As far as gameplay goes, I don't have enough details, but I know it's a worker placement card game with a clock/rondel that determines cost of the cards. It's hard for me to judge this game because there's so little information. Even in terms of images on BGG, there's only the cover art! I'd be cautious with this one due to lack of information.

21. Rolled West - This is a roll and write game set in the same universe as Gold West. One of the illustrators, Adam P. McIver, is the original artist for Gold West, but this time around he's joined by artist, Ariel Seoane. The publisher is the same, Tasty Minstrel Games (TMG). TMG is known for high production games, such as Orléans, Yokohama, and Chimera Station, but they've had misses, too. They were criticized for the artistic direction they took in the reprinting of Colosseum. The designer for this game is Daniel Newman, who didn't design Gold West. Originally, I was more excited about this game, but I saw mixed reviews from Tantrum House on YouTube (https://youtu.be/zGNnZ40om5s), so I've tempered my enthusiasm.

That concludes my bottom 30. Stay tuned for my next post as I count down to my #1 most anticipated game at Essen Spiel 2019!

[hetmusic]

Women in Music: A Year in Action | HumanHuman

Here we go again! One year on from our article ‘Women in the Music Industry’ and the overwhelmingly supportive response that followed we’re ready to take a retrospective look at what’s been happening in the world of music since then. We’ve brought together a collective of new commentators, including musicians, writers, PRs, event organisers, managers and a radio producer, to give their spin on what it’s currently like for women in the music business.

This time around I asked each of our contributors the same three questions; since last year’s International Women’s Day, what has been your highlight for women in music? what are your thoughts on the visible representation of women in the music industry? moving forward, what changes still need to happen? The answers are a window in a community who are extremely passionate about this topic, and whilst it’s essential that we shed light on the serious issues, the overriding message is one of celebration and positivity.

“I've definitely noticed a more tight-knit community between women in music, which we need to only continue and strengthen.”— Missy Scheinberg, Lunatic Entertainment

Last year one of the hot topics surrounding gender inequality in music was the lack of female representation at the majority of music festivals. Most notable was Reading and Leeds Festival, as highlighted by Crack in the Road editor Josh Dalton with his viral editing of the line-up, which revealed a paltry ten female and mixed acts. The unapologetic response from Festival Republic boss Melvin Brenn, who rather naively stated that “gone are the days where a band was four guys” (via Gigwise), further emphasised how deeply ingrained ignorance of this issue is. While Festival Republic still appears unable to provide a single female headliner - 2016’s choices are an unimaginative selection of Biffy Clyro, Fall Out Boy, Foals, Disclosure and The Red Hot Chilli Peppers - other events are making moves to correct this imbalance. In an interview with Noisey, Glastonbury Festival organiser Emily Eavis states that “we are strong on women this year” and her enthusiastic mention of female MCs like Little Simz and Lady Leshurr is encouraging.

Some have taken it even further by offering female-only line ups at their events, such as Burger Records’ festival Burger A Go Go. Not only is this an excellent name, but their no-dudes rule made room for awesome headliners Best Coast and Dum Dum Girls in 2015, as well as instantly recognisable names like Sonic Youth’s Kim Gordon and Cat Power and Kathleen Hanna (in new project The Julie Ruin.) Speaking to Broadly., co-organiser Lee Rickard explains that the festival is “more of a fun statement than a feminist statement. We're not overtly political, but obviously it does reverberate. I think it makes a statement without having to make a statement; that we can easily put together a bill of this caliber. Hopefully it will make other festivals think twice.” One of our own contributors Erika Alvarez is also hoping to interrupt the pattern with her non-profit event A Great Escape Festival, and she has her own view on why there’s a favourable bias towards male musicians at festivals: “When a band’s demographic is mostly female, they are automatically deemed as unworthy of respect, but if their demographic is mostly male the words “legendary” and “influential” are the first to come to mind.” Being judged primarily on their gender or that of their fans is also a concern for mixed alt-rock band Wyldest, whose female members Zoe Mead and Holly Mullineaux cringe at the idea of their fans liking them simply because of they are women. With this in mind, they give a nod to Savages as a band who aren’t evaluated by their gender but by their music. Mullineaux even paraphrases a statement from Savages’ Jehnny Beth in an interview with Broadly., "Being a woman in music is like being a woman eating a sandwich." Basically, these females musicians don’t consider that they’re doing anything outside the realms of normality, they’re just being themselves.

“It’s incredible to meet both male and female musicians at shows, but when I’m playing within a female dominated line-up, I really have this sense of affirmation with the other female musicians.”— Zoe Mead, Wyldest

This view of music festivals as a world of extremes - either as a blatant machoism or feminist statement - is one that we’ve become rather used to, but hopefully not for long. One event that has already achieved the ideal of equal gender representation is Wavelength Festival, which this year welcomed a mixed bag of headliners (including Duchess Says, Foxes in Fiction and Foxtrott) and more than 50 percent of the stage slots were filled by female musicians. The real achievement lies in the fact that this fair representation of artists regardless of their gender is actually unintentional, as outlined by Artistic Director and co-founder Jonathan Bunce: “It's happened three years in a row, so this theme has just sort of emerged. It wasn't like we sat down and said, 'We have to have a female headliner every night.' There was no grand design. There are just so many talented women making music right now and I think that us, as programmers, are just responding to that” (via Noisey). Missy Scheinberg, who works at Lunatic Entertainment, also urges talent-buyers to take note of these mixed line-ups, especially Australia’s Laneway Festival, which this year has topped their bill with Chvrches, Grimes, Beach House, and Purity Ring. This emphasis on deserved recognition as opposed to the more forced positive discrimination is definitely the way forward for everyone involved in the music industry.

One area of the music industry that still leaves a lot to be desired in terms of the attitude towards women is music videos. These visual aids are an incredibly powerful tool that has flourished throughout the MTV years and onto a generation of YouTubers. Considering this, it’s quite extraordinary that amongst all of the beautiful, artistic, groundbreaking, politically and culturally charged videos out there that the majority of our focus lands on those with the most skin on show. From Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball” to Nicki Minaj’s “Anaconda” to Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines” to Iggy Azalea and Jennifer Lopez’s “Booty”, these controversial and highly confusing examples of female objectification are well within the view of the public. As Daily Telegraph journalist Justin Coulson questions, “They might be masquerading as empowered femininity, but what are they selling?” accompanied by a natural concern for what his daughters will come to know as normal behaviour. This power struggle is brought further into the light by Louise O’Neil at The Irish Examiner in her piece ‘Are music videos too sexual or do they represent power in women?’, which details that in recent years two camps have emerged in the world of music videos. On one hand, there are those who “have decided to either completely reject the pressure to perform in a sexually suggestive manner”, and on the other, there are those who “have claimed ownership of their sexuality and their bodies.” What’s important here is that artists should have the choice to use their public visibility to explore all forms of identity, rather than one that is forced upon them by society’s warped expectations. As music journalist Christal Yuen quite rightly states:

“There's a lot of misplaced eroticism in painting women as direct projections of their songs.”— Christal Yuen, writer for HumanHuman and Sodwee

There are plenty of current musicians who use their artistry and physicality to embark on new ways of defying gender stereotypes. Examples such as FKA twigs who lines up portrayals of femininity like dominoes in her “MSLL155X” video and Rosie Lowe whose dual metaphor for strength and vulnerability is seen in the undressed frankness of her single “Woman”. Another example is Grimes, who is well known for her array of performance personas and in The FADER’s ‘Art Angel’ documentary, Claire Boucher explains that “Grimes as one person cannot represent more than a couple of ideas. That’s why I started developing some of the other characters - like, really abstract from who I am or how I am [...] Not everything has to fully reflect you.” This willingness to explore how an artist can portray themselves, female or otherwise, has the power to directly influence others in the industry. Our contributor Tsar B, an emerging artist known for her dark and multi-cultural sounding pop, finds Grimes extremely inspiring, especially “the way she emphasises her autonomy and strength, as well as her unacceptance of parochialism.” As we see in the documentary, it’s not only her stage presence that Grimes has under complete artistic control, but the production aspect of her music is also her sole responsibility.

“Sometimes women in the music industry are perceived as an attractive medium between a bunch of guys that make the music and the general public, while actually people fail to realize that they are the foundation of the whole story.”— Tsar B

One artist who has been determined in sharing her whole story is Lorely Rodriguez AKA Empress Of, who released her debut self-produced record Me in September last year. Contributor Alliz Espi, who runs Songololo Music, picks up this album as her personal highlight: “her work as a producer (beat-making included) of her own record, has been one of the first on the scene which was instantly celebrated, rather than being a question - ‘did she really do that?’” Empress Of’s evolution into producer and sound engineer is testament to what can happen when musicians are forthcoming about what they want. Rodriguez recalls the result of being team up with another producer where “It just ended up sounding like that person's music. I thought, ‘this is my first record, I need it to sound like it's coming from me’” (Beggars Music). After that epiphany, she was able to discover herself as a recorder, producer, artist and most importantly as a person. However, it’s not always the case that production credits are placed with the right person. A recent example would be Björk and her Vulnicura LP, in which it was initially misreported that Arca produced the album, rather than the truth which is a co-production between Björk and Arca. In an interview with Pitchfork, Björk talks about the courage it took the put the world right, “I didn’t want to talk about that kind of thing for 10 years, but then I thought, “You’re a coward if you don’t stand up. Not for you, but for women. Say something.”” It’s important for these prominent women to speak up, but it’s equally essential that men within the business lend their voice, such as Björk associates the Haxan Cloak and Matmos who insistently correct the media on their secondary role in the production of these records.

“We have evolved away from a history of music-engineering being male dominated, we've ditched the lab coats and clipboards (literally). But it still is a numbers game.”— Alliz Espi, Songololo Music

As Alliz Espi suggests, it is still numbers game, but the books are finally starting to balance, as reflected in the increased recognition of females at certain awards shows. Keeping on the production theme, the contribution from Women Produce Music (a social media community that promotes female producers, engineers and musicians) highlights this year’s Music Producers Guild Awards, in which Olga Fitzroy received a gong for Recording Engineer of the Year, Catherine Marks was recognised as Breakthrough Producer of the Year, and FKA twigs won UK Single for “Pendulum” and UK Album of the Year for LP1 - both of which she co-produced. It wasn’t only the MPGs where we saw a truer reflection of the arts industry, as Regina Valdameri points out, “At this year's Grammys in the Best Rock Performance category, for example, Foo Fighters were the only all-male band, with Alabama Shakes, Florence + the Machine, Wolf Alice and Elle King filling up the remaining nominations.” The Fives Ws Of editor also remarks that seven of the fifteen artists who made the BBC’s Sound of 2016 longlist were women, including runners-up Alessia Cara and Nao. This is certainly a start for greater equality amongst musicians, but the scene isn’t so rosy everywhere.

Another opinion maker Katerina Koumourou (ANASA PR, JD Management and Cozy Mag) draws our attention to Billboard’s Power 100 from this year, which was critiqued by Suzanne Harrington in The Independent for being made up of 127 men and only 14 women. This same article also discusses the unavoidable topic of current music media, that is the recent Kesha case in which her allegations of sexual assault against producer Dr Luke and request to exit the contract with him were dismissed by a New York Supreme Court Judge on the grounds that it’s “commercially reasonable” for Kesha to remain in the contract. This outcome reveals just where the priorities lie for those at the top of the industry food-chain, and for many it’s sickening to think money comes before an individual’s safety and artistic freedom. However, there is a positive side to this story and that’s female solidarity, with Kesha’s peers publicly expressing their support for her, such as Adele when accepting her awards at the BRITS, Taylor Swift with her $250,000 donation and Lady Gaga’s stand of solidarity at the Oscar’s to name a few.

“Females standing together for their voice to be heard is empowering and I guess it's comforting that she is not standing completely alone with this.”— Katerina Koumourou, ANASA PR, JD Management and Cozy Mag

We might still have a way to go, but it’s a fact that women are stronger than ever before in the music industry, as publicly displayed by Kesha’s celebrity supporters, but also by the growing number of successful women in the business. Whether that’s a music PR like Charmfactory’s Director of Communications Lorraine Long, who has never experienced prejudice on the basis of her gender and strongly believes that “Your sex should be irrelevant, it should come down to being the best person for the job and if you're doing a good job you should be rewarded fairly and equally.” Or a radio producer like Elise Cobain, who works on BBC Radio 1 and 1xtra and is especially enthusiastic about the progression of women in her business sector. Cobain provides a roll call of prominent BBC radio presenters: Annie Mac, Clara Amfo, A Dot and Jamz Supernova, and the list goes on once you step into radio production territory. It’s not only the traditional airwaves that are now transmitting a more representative voice, but online radio is also a bastion of equality. The Electronic Beats listing in ‘Meet the women who are killing it in online radio’ praises significant producers, hosts and managers of digital radio stations. A standout comment made for the article by Tabitha Thorlu-Bangura, a key figure of NTS Radio, asserts the need for greater variety within the industry. As Thorlu-Bangura states “it’s really crucial to work with people from a diverse range of backgrounds in order to have a wide range of perspectives on music and life in general.”

“I'm seeing more and more that women who work hard are being rewarded with brilliant jobs and career progression seemingly regardless of their gender. This change in attitude is something to be celebrated.”— Elise Cobain, BBC Radio 1/1xta Producer

That need for a more diverse demographic across the board is one that is echoed throughout all of our contributions. Katerina Koumourou asks “Is there enough diversity (regarding gender AND race) within these corporations to encourage the changes needed?” and at this moment in time the answer is probably no, at least not yet. This questioning attitude is shared by Tracy Dempsey, a Music Psychologist and creator of Sofa Sessions, which is a music-art showcase hosted at various venues throughout Belfast. This event offers a regular roster of mixed gender artists, but Dempsey believes that she should open up the diversity even further by “showcasing people from various minority groups who might be struggling for visibility, not for tokenistic reasons, but to break a self-perpetuating cycle of invisibility leading to more invisibility.” That’s probably the most important message for International Women’s Day, to break the cycle of invisibility, and where the music industry is concerned we’ve already taken considerable steps to do so, particularly in the online world. As Christal Yuen points out “the digital world of music allows for these artists to release music and be judged on their skill rather than their appearance.” There’s a reason that so many musicians release music virtually and why journalists now live on laptops rather than in newspapers; the internet can be a megaphone for the marginalised.

“The democratisation of the internet, allowing anyone to share their story, be heard, and have that story amplified by others joining in, is hugely powerful.”— Tracy Dempsey, creator of Sofa Sessions and Soulambition

For my last question to the opinion-makers, I asked them “Moving forward, what changes still need to happen?”, and the general consensus is that we should continue to celebrate women in the music industry, we should keep asking questions, and we shouldn’t settle for anything less than equality amongst all genders. Like Songololo Music’s Alliz Espi puts it “the more it’s celebrated now, the more female musicians may dare to take that journey.” Therefore, it’s our responsibility as current commentators and members of the music community to transmit a message of positivity and change, not only for ourselves, but for future generations. No one puts this intention more candidly than music blogger Regina Valdameri, who believes “The ultimate goal is that we won't be surprised anymore when a woman has success in the music industry, or in any industry really, because it will have become the norm.” If we continue down this path of positive visibility and mutual support (all genders included), then one day seeing a woman in the music industry will be as surprising as seeing a woman eat a sandwich.

https://humanhuman.com/articles/women-in-music-a-year-in-action

[nomercles]

spn meme

Oh, fun!  Thanks, @zmediaoutlet​!

1.  What season did you start watching SPN?

Between 4 and 5.  I was in a game and our GM was a HAAAACK, and also a big mouth, and so he figured out that when he wholesale lifted the plot of the show he’d finally did something I liked and found interesting, and tried to curry favor by telling me all about this show I’d really love.  Except I’m actually smart, and figured out pretty damned fast that I was basically priestess!Sam, which is flattering I guess, but still pretty shitty.  And I immediately dropped the game and kept the show.

2.  Who was the first character you fell in love with?

Oh, Dean.  Absolutely.  He was exactly my type, and Jared Padalecki looks like the cleaned-up Hollywood version of the dominant who’d just dropped my ass and it freaked me out quite a lot.  Dean’s love for him won me over, though.

3.  Who was a character you hated at first, but grew to love?

I don’t know that love is as strong as I’m feeling, but I’m going to go with Rowena and Naomi.  They finally got really interesting, just before they died.  Why the hell do the writers do that?  (rhetorical question)  And a touch of Sam, because of the aforementioned bad relationship timing business, but I got over it fairly quickly.  (And bonus?  It helped me get over the guy faster, too.  “This is who you could have been, you asshat!”)

4.  Which character would you most like to be in a long-term relationship with?

Oh.  Um.  Here’s the trick.  This answer will be different in about a week.  Ask again for variety.  Right this second, I’m going with Jody or Benny.  Jody just hits every single one of my buttons, and Benny is really not far behind.  Ohhhh, can I have Jody/Ellen/Benny?  Is that greedy?

5.  If you could go on just one date with one character, which one would you choose?

Oof.  Meanie.  Yeah, I’m going with Dean.

6.  What would you do on the date?

I do love a nice car.  I’m a girl of varied tastes.  I can do aperitifs in the parlor just as easily as burgers in a bar.  But I love someone who’s uncomplicated--or if they are complicated, they’re self-soothing.  I just think Dean could make it fun.  Unpretentious, easy, and fun.  I don’t date easily or well at all, and being with someone who could help us over the bumpy bits would be nice.  (I think I basically have been on a date with Dean, and it was just about perfect.  They made for the perfect one-night-stand, if I’m only ever going to have one.)

7.  Which character would you most want to be like?

Ellen.  It takes a hell of a woman to go through everything she has and to still have her shit together, and she still has steel and velvet in her spine.  She’s tough, but not hard, and she doesn’t tolerate fools lightly, and she will absolutely go to war for you, if you’re one of hers.  I admire the hell out of her.

8.  Which character would you most like to see brought back from the dead?

No one.  Let people fucking die.  Let death have meaning again.  The story is so much more interesting and powerful if there are some fucking consequences.  That said, I do wonder how an older and wiser Sam and Dean would handle being faced with a new roster of Special Children.

9.  Which character would you most like to punch?

Most?  That’s hard.  Balthazar.  Or Zachariah.  Or really, and this would please me greatly, lock them in a room together and never let them out and tell me how that goes.

10.  Who is your absolute favorite character?

SamDeanSam&Dean.  If I put that all together we can pretend it’s just one character, yes?  Okay, fine.  Sam and Dean, the unit.

11.  Which “big bad” do you think was the worst?

Toss up between Metatron and Azazel.  I hated Metatron the most, but Azazel was most frightening to me.  Often, it’s the lesser-bads that are more unbearable to me.

12.  Which character are you most like?

You know, someone told me just recently that I’m a lot like Donna.  I don’t think this is a question I can answer for myself.  I know myself pretty well, but I still come armed with pre- and misconceptions.  I know who I want to be, and I know who I think I’ve been.  I don’t have a solid grasp on how others see me.

13.  What death hit you the hardest?

Bobby’s, or Dean’s latest one.  Though, again, repeated returns cheapen it.  Oh, man, and Ellen and Jo going out had me bawling.  I think those are the only ones that have had me needing to take a break.

14.  What season finale hit you the hardest?

5.  And then 11.

15.  What are your ten all-time favorite episodes?

Oh, man, I hate you so much right now.  This is going to take some thinking.

(2.14) Born Under a Bad Sign

(3.10) Dream a Little Dream of Me

(4.01) Lazarus Rising

(5.04) The End

(5.14) My Bloody Valentine

(5.16) Dark Side of the Moon

(6.04) Weekend at Bobby’s

(7,10) Death’s Door

(8.06) Southern Comfort

(10.05) Fan Fiction

(12.04) American Nightmare

I tried.  I really did.  There’s eleven.  I couldn’t get it lower.  Chronological order, rather than order of preference.  And to be honest, I’m probably wrong on a couple, but now my brain hurts, and this is what you get.

16.  What’s been your favorite season?

Ohhh, so, fun discovery!  I always hate the current season for a while, and then a few watches later, I’ll realize that I fucking love that thing.  (S7 being the exception so far.  Still don’t care for it.)  But I’m going to go with S4-5, because I can’t separate them.  They flow too beautifully together.

17.  Who is your favorite angel?

Super unpopular--though not surprising--opinion: it is decidedly not Cas.  Probably Gabriel.  He’s not a good guy, but he’s fucking interesting.  And that whole “run from my problems, make things worse, try to be heroic but maybe it’s too late by now” thing is a trend for me.  Though, thank Chuck, not on quite such a cosmic scale.

18.  Who’s your favorite demon?

Meg, Ruby, Casey, Alastair, War.  I’m not good at this There Can Be Only One thing.  And all of those appeal in completely different ways, so I can’t really compare them anyway.  Meg had such an interesting character development.  Ruby was so smug, and for all that she was sly, she was also kind of clumsy.  Moments of brilliance, but she wasn’t any kind of master manipulator.  I wonder if she could have done it without the blood.  Casey seemed like she had some fascinating stories in there, and she was the first demon we really got to see as a person.  Alastair was...God.  *shudder*  And War was just so cheerful about it all.  He knew his job, he liked his job, and he was secure.

19.  Who’s your favorite evil character?

Alastair.  And a runner-up of Azazel!John.

20.  Do you have any Supernatural ships?

Have you met me?  Die-hard Wincester over here.  Dimpala.  And what’s the one for Death/Dean?  I don’t read that one very often, but there are some good fic.  And for Sam, I kinda like asexual Sastiel and cozy snuggly Sevin.

21.  Who’s your favorite supporting actor?

Oh, man, it’s between Charles Malik Whitfield, Ruth Connell, and Aldis Hodge.  I have liked literally everything I have seen Whitfield do, I followed Hodge over to Leverage, and I could watch Ruth Connell say “moose” all damned day.

22.  What’s your favorite quote from the show?

...is there a database of good SPN quotes somewhere that I can consult?  Because I think I need one for this question.  Maybe Meg: “Look, I'm simpler than you think. I've figured one thing out about this world – just one, pretty much. You find a cause, and you serve it. Give yourself over, and it orders your life. Lucifer and Yellow Eyes – their mission was it for me.”

23.  If you could cast one famous actor in an episode of SPN, who would it be?

Fuck, man, I don’t know.  *stares at DVD shelf*  Brendan Fraser or Sam Elliott. 

24.  If you could write your own episode, what kind of creature would you like to see included?

ooo!  I’d like to see them dig into some very local monsters.  Not local to me, but personal to America monsters.  Try to hunt down a Thunderbird.

25.  Who’s your favorite girl that Dean’s hooked up with?

Tara Benchley.  She just looked so satisfied.  Or Suzy Lee from (9.08) Rock and a Hard Place.

26.  Who’s your favorite girl that Sam’s hooked up with?

Dr. Cara Roberts.  I have an affection for women who are just there for fun and aren’t interested in anything more.  Not because I don’t want the guys to have outside relationships (though, I don’t, because that’s not what I’m watching the show for), but I like women who just know what they want and are interested in playfully objectifying the guys.

27.  What are some of your favorite convention moments?

I don’t really watch the con videos much.  I will every so often, but the sound is always crap, and I get a headache.  I do quite like watching Jensen sing, though.  Hot damn.

28.  If you were going to guest star (or be a recurring guest star) on spn, how would you want your character described?

Cheerful, and snarky.  I’m gonna die anyway, I might as well be fun.

29.  What do you hope to see in the next season?

The Winchesters just being Winchesters.  Unless I am very much mistaken, this is the last season, so how about we go back to the show I fell in love with?  Like all mythic characters, Sam and Dean are both inherently human, and deeply divine.  So how about we get shit like the great icons trying to find clothes that fit them, or arguing over who left red socks in the laundry and why the hell do we even have red socks, Sam.  I want the show to end as beautifully as it could have been if they’d actually stopped at the end of 5.

30-40.  If you had to choose...

Bobby or John?  After all this time, John.  Let Bobby die.

Bela or Ruby?  Ruby.

Jess or Madison?  No opinion.  Madison, just because Jess carries the same problems as Mary.

Jo or Lisa?  Jo.

Charlie or Kevin?  Kevin.

Balthazar or Ash?  ASH.

Cas or Crowley?  Crowley.

Ben or Claire?  Claire.

Jody or Donna?  Jody.  That’s a tough one, though.

Sam or Dean?  No.  I’m not even going to entertain this one.