#citizensoldier

[milark-gr]

New video on my channel!

[codyiselsewhere]

If I Surrender - Short Story

**TRIGGER WARNING! This story contains self-harm, mental health and overthinking that's not for the faint of heart.**

Cody had a journal open on the table. He was writing down his thoughts and crossing them out, bit by bit, because every time he tried writing all of them down, he got halfway through and couldn't finish writing it all out. It was an outlet for him, to get his thoughts out on paper. There was mentions of how he truly felt, how much he was struggling, and the constant anxiety that he suppressed down.

He sighed, and leaned his head against the open pages of the journal. Each thought was partly crossed out but there was so many questions and words floating around on the pages. These were all of the thoughts he constantly hid in his head, but they twisted him violently, like they wanted out and wanted to be free. It felt like he was hanging by a thread as every thought got darker, or more twisted, and he knew that he didn't wanna be saved.

Continuing to write down his thoughts, they eventually turned into something that resembled lyrics. He wanted to fall, break, die, because he couldn't take living with what's in his head. Each thought was horrifyingly disturbing, even being written down on paper. He wanted to surrender to his monsters, give up hope towards getting better, feeling like it would set him free.

Cody started to ask himself if there was a point to holding on like this, because it didn't seem like anybody cared if he existed. It was all getting frustrating, every last bit of it. All of the dark thoughts, the lies, the excuses. Nobody knew about all of this, and him being sick. He was getting beyond tired of hearing that he should stay when he knew that he would never be missed.

Sighing again, he wrote down the same thoughts, this time it forming the full chorus of the song "If I Surrender" by Citizen Soldier. He just blinked at the now written on pages with the lyrics, feeling like it was something foreign to him, like it shouldn't be in front of him for some reason. It was hard for him to realize every thought he was having was perfectly described by one of his favorite songs.

He started writing notes, hoping that it might make people help understand his struggles a bit better. "If you could see under my skin, you'd realize why I hold it in, why it's a fight I don't wanna win, why it's a fight I don't wanna win… If you could see all my abuse, and spend a day inside my shoes, you'd realize why I just wanna lose, you'd realize why I just wanna lose… Will anyone believe the hell of being me, before I decide to be the dying proof?"

Writing that note out in his beautiful cursive, he thought of all the negative things that have been said to him about this: "Somebody else has it worse than you." "You're just doing this for attention." "You're just being dramatic." "Suicide is selfish." "You're not praying enough."

He started to cry whilst thinking about those things, realizing that nobody would truly ever understand how much hell he went through in the last few years. Being forced to come out, not being accepted by his parents, straight up being told that he was a disgrace, would constantly be judged for being himself, being told it was stupid to achieve a dream for music, and that his parents wouldn't ever call him Cody.

Wiping away his tears with the sleeve of his hoodie, he rolled up his sleeves and picked up the nearest knife. It was his rainbow chrome paring knife, still covered in dried blood from the last time he cut. Dragging the small blade across his skin, he started crying again, opening up the old cuts and making them fresh, watching them bleed as he slumped down to the floor. His journal still sat on the counter, open to the note he had just written as he sat against his cabinets, fresh blood and tears mixing on his hands, hoodie, pants, and coating the floor.

[emoryvalentine14]

Check out my new video for Tokyo Ghoul!

[sorryaboutthetyposiwasdrunk]

"Would anyone care Would anyone cry If I finally stepped off of this ledge tonight? Would anything change? Would you all be just fine? 'Cause I need a reason to not throw the fight It just might save my life"

[hiddenprincessx]

#citizensoldier

[elycia1805]

Being broken gave me fight A Semicolon saved my life I wear my battle scars with pride Being broken gave me fight And I refuse to be defined By what I almost did that night

- Stronger than my storm, Citizen Soldier.

[thereaverbios]

Song Of The Day: Would Anyone Care- Citezen Soldier #spencershay #depression #songoftheday #citizensoldier #shade #demon #burden #alone https://www.instagram.com/p/CCAnhAtpG7U/?igshid=m90rr6cqwdcw

[kt-divine-black]

Rattle my cage, I bury my rage so no one else will ever see. High on the pain, I will always be a slave to the darkest part of me. No, I'm running out of time, Get out while you can. And the moon is getting high, The beast is back again. #halfbreed #nativewomen #latinawomen #allshots #lyricquotes #citizensoldier #devilinside #instadaily #love #pretty #girlswithcoloredhair #girlswithtattoos #girlswithpiercings #girlswithbrowneyes #girlswithblackhair #genderfluid #bigirls #look #instalike #igers #instafollow #followme #bestoftheday #instacool #instago #music https://www.instagram.com/p/CO9ekgOjuVW/?igshid=363dptioe6vr

[enderkitty68]

Citizen Soldier - I'm Not Okay (Official Lyric Video)

[fanfuelfiction]

Amazing song, powerful words.

This band will forever be my favourite ❤️

[catrastophicsoul]

Sometimes a song speaks to you in a way that someone never did...

[codyiselsewhere]

Scarecrow - Short Story

**TRIGGER WARNING! This story contains mentions of self-harm, death, and sadistic things that aren't for the faint of heart.**

It was fall at the Cullen residence and Cody had been preparing for Halloween for numerous weeks now. It was his favorite time of year and he loved doing everything with it. All the pumpkins, the decorations, making everything fall-inspired.

He started getting everything ready back in September and was almost done setting everything up. All of it looked beautiful, neatly organized and decorated. There was just one more thing missing that needed to be put up. The beloved Scarecrow.

Putting up the Scarecrow was the hardest of tasks for him, but it had to be put up to complete the perfect picture of a beautiful fall season. This wasn't something he usually did, but this time around, it was beyond important to him for more reasons than one. He had built the wooden frame weeks ago, coincidentally, it turned out to be the Citizen Soldier symbol.

He had put the frame in the center of his yard, in between the golden, orange and light brown grass, making it also lean a certain way. Now the only thing missing was the figure hanging from it. Walking back inside, Cody grabbed his ragged light brown top hat, rope, nails, and hammer from the counter, and headed back out. He slid the hat on his head, at a certain tilt. Only his grey eyes were now visible from underneath it.

The wind blew as he got outside, blowing his fading shirt open a bit and making the skin on his face drip a bit as he headed over to the center of the yard. Taking the rope, he tossed it over the sides of the upper piece of the wooden frame, and tied it loosely, creating a loop on each side.

Cody then leaned against it, placing one hand on it and nailed his left hand in place, directly in the center of the loop, and moved onto his right. He couldn't feel the pain anymore, having been numb to all of the world for numerous months. Smiling softly, it was now all over. This all began during the middle of August and it led him here.

Now, everything was perfect. The perfect fall house, the Scarecrow. He hung from the wooden frame, face dripping from having cut the skin to make a brand new face, grey eyes not having any shine to them, hat and shirt the same tattered light brown, his skin and pointed nails being a yellow-ish white. It all made sense now. All the references, all the perfect things being in place.

Cody was now the Scarecrow, knowing he was better off this way, being fake, finally having some peace in his life. It was more than a saving grace for him. He had killed himself a long while ago, but nobody knew that they weren't talking to him, but instead talking to a Scarecrow. Disappearing like this hurt less, instead of asking for help.

The only thing left behind was a note on the back table: "You can't kill me if I'm already dead, buried alive by the things that they've said, I killed myself, but no one knows, you're not talking to me, you're talking to a Scarecrow." And then the wind blew again, blowing the note off the table, causing it to eventually land at the Scarecrow's feet, bringing everything full circle.

[memoriesbreak-you]

I don't like, like myself very much

Despite all your kind words

Can't explain why I'm hurting myself

But it feels deserved

Citizen Soldier - Weight of the world

[kgraffie]

Citizen Soldier from the Adelitas Way concert in Salt Lake on Friday. #citizensoldier #music #concert (at The Royal) https://www.instagram.com/p/B68iUpUnHY-/?igshid=1sld6oqh982ad