#ciarrahguevs

[cxgvs]

Hi, I just wanted to say I read your post. It may not be much, but someone is listening. Sending love ❤️

🥺🥺🥺🥺 omg i dont know how long ago this message this is bc i dont expect anyone to know my personal account let alone read my thoughts but :(( im crying thank you anon

[cxbts]

Warrior- Demi Lovato (Cover)

[cxgvs]

hello its me

hmm idk why i wanna write something here tho yknow i think tumblr d worded to my same gen tumblr moots ...

anyway

maybe one day when i die, my friends & family will find my blog and just /know/ you know but lmao theyre probably just gonna find my yn fics hahaha

anywayyyy back to the real reason why i wanna write here...

i find it scary im having these kind of thoughts lately i dont know if its because of my job? (maybee? its actually the only reason i see rn?) bc honestly... im doing fine in all other things..

friends? theyre okay.. we talk and meet up if this lockdown permits (yup 2021 and still in lockdown)

family? we're good as well.. im happy theyre healthy and well (hope it continues like that for a long time)

me? well.... i guess the problem starts there lol idk i keep having these thoughts bout wanting not to wake up from sleep yk lmao and it actually stems from not wanting to go to work with the role that i currently have ....

maybe im being ungrateful rn but i really feel like its not healthy for me to be in this role.. its too pressuring, gives me anxiety.. and i know im only a month in but do you really have to be in a situation longer for you to say that its toxic for you? toxic for your mental health?

honeslty idk i feel kinda bad that im prioritizing my mental health over earning like putting myself first is something so bad lol i feel so guilty about feeling this way

and i feel that im unfair bc my family is working so hard in different countries, working their asses off, literally one have to caught the virus (theyre ok now tho) but still work

and im here,,, being a fucking baby,, whining about how THIS is the worst situation that i am in lmao

but they just dont get it,,, maybe i was mentally unstable right before all this happened (my job) and now its triggering these thoughts out of me and seriously i have never wanted to feel this way, i swear.. i didnt want to feel so broken,, so weak,,, i dont want to constantly ask for help,,, show signs that im emotionally & mentally drowning,,,, its just so hard to be living this way..

i didnt even realize that I'll go to such extent of wishing i dont wake up from my sleep

but at the same time, im fucking terrified this "life" will last longer you know?

you know how in books/universe beliefs that what you want to happen will be jinxed if you keep thinking about it lmao

im so so terrified about it like,, what if i really wanna die but end up living 100 more years lol

like bitch i dont wanna live so long if im this unhappy.. i dont want this life if im just constantly insecure about everything, how im literally fucking depressed and unhealthy..

and im so fucking sick hearing about "you can change this for yourself" "live life/change your life for you" "youre the driver of this life" bullshit like BRO DO YOU THINK I DONT KNOW THAT

Like ok man i KNOW i can change my life but at this fucking moment???? i cant???? and its difficult to just wake up one day and feel inspired and be full of energy in a mental state like this???

yall r so fucking stupid if you also think depression is being so skinny, eating less, looking stressed and fuck bc depression is also the opposite.. like honestly?? i dont fucking look depressed but look at me now tho?? haha

im overweight, i dont look sleep deprived, i still eat, and i still sleep.. im here but sometimes im not here you know?

whats worse is that depression here is being so downplayed like its just "drama"& not a real fucking disease,, i have relatives who would think - they've been thru worse and that YOU feeling sad and depressed for them is just whines and worthless drama and that youre just overreacting like you dont have a fucking right to feel that way just because theyve been thru "worst" lmao ok bitch do you want a fucking "not depressed" award

well fuck im sorry my generation have to deal with your fucking trauma bc you let it out on us just because we're younger and you dont have any idea that the shit youre putting us thru is actually YOUR trauma???? like fuck

sigh

im just so tired of this unhappiness.. i miss my old self,, the better me,,, i miss my passions,, the things that make me happy,,, bc right now, i can only do so much and still feel this way..

i can paint and sing all day but it wont bring me back the same energy, the same joy it brought to me before - and i miss that...

why do i have to be this way? i just wanna be happy..

[cxgvs]

I already miss u, baby. Have fun in Dog Heaven for me! 😔💙🐶

[cxgvs]

hey so its literally 1:33AM and officially workday / monday already but im here, writing again, like i have something so important to document lmao

so tonight its actually fathers day, yea? we went to my grandfather's grave to greet him too and then when we went home idk i just started being sad

was it bc i miss Tatay? was it bc i saw some hs pictures? is it bc its monday already and i have to face another week of crippling anxiety by my job?

idk but fuck this is tiring

also i hate how my journaling is literally so random??? like, sometimes i write offline then i write here like, i want my thoughts be collated yk (idk just a random thought very out of topic)

anyway

i still have 5 weeks? or 6 weeks for my job lmao im counting the days my contract gets terminated

why am i so scared to just resign instead of waiting for my contract to end like a fucking coward i dont understand myself either

i keep on whining i dont wanna work but continue to wait out the days for it to end like bitch make up your mind

sigh idk im a mess lol

pretty sure when i read this again, id be fucking confused haha

stay alive

[cxgvs]

"Nakamoved-on na ko sayo" pero bawat tula na nababasa ko ay ikaw pa din ang naiisip ko. "Nakamoved-on na ko sayo" pilit kong sinasabi sa sarili ko pero ang totoo ay niloloko ko lang pala ang sarili ko.

[cxgvs]

Mortal bodies, Timeless souls.

[cxgvs]

Bakit ba kasi kelangan pa niyang pumasok sa eksena?

To you

[cxgvs]

lagi naman

lagi na lang.. pag mageeffort ako tapos mapupunta lang sa wala. 

lalapit lang sayo pag may kailangan sila. gagawin mo lahat tapos iba makikinabang, di man lang ma-appreciate. kulang na lang mag “one man team” na ko para kahit papano, kahit para sa akin man lang, makinabang ako. pero hindi eh, sa iba napupunta ung credit. sa mga taong di naman na kelangan ng tulong.  tapos dagdag mo pa ung mga taong nagpapatulong na nga lang, sila pa ung galit !@#$%^& 

sarap manapak eh.

[cxgvs]

Memories lang ang pwedeng i-throwback, hindi feelings.

3 am thoughts

[cxgvs]

Last na to. PROMISE!!!

Pinagtagpo tayo.. Akalain mo nga naman. At dalawang beses pa! 

Iba ka talaga, tadhana!

Sa dalawang beses na yun, di ko alam ano mararamdaman ko. Pero inaamin ko ah, namiss kita.

Nung nagkita tayo, pinansin mo naman ako. May pahatak hatak ka pa ngang nalalaman. Pero ako? Ayun, iwas na iwas hahaha

Masisisi mo ba ko? Ayaw ko nang ma-attached sayo. Ayoko na. Eto, realtalk na to.

Ewan. Gusto kong isipin na galit ako sayo, gusto kong isipin lahat ng masakit pero di ko naman magawa. Bumabalik ako sa memories natin na masaya. Ganon pala yun, mas matimbang pa din talaga ung happy memories kesa sa bad ones. Bumabalik at bumabalik lang ako sa feeling na “kung anong meron tayo” noon. Parang walang nangyari ganon. Kakainis nga eh. Dapat hindi. Dapat hindi ako bumabalik sa ganon. Dapat kahit papano, nakakamoved on naman ako sayo. Lalayo na lang muna ako, Di na ko dadaan sa mga lugar na pwedeng pagtagpuin nanaman tayo. Baka di ko kasi matantsa sarili ko eh, di na ako maka-ahon sayo at patuloy na umasa nanaman na pwede magka “tayo”

Pagmove-on-nin mo naman ako! Pakakawalan ko na talaga tong lobo na to.

Pero babalik ako. Pag okay na ko. Yung kaya ko ng sabihin ang pangalan mo na walang nararamdaman. I’ll be back with an open heart. Maybe for you or maybe for someone else.

[cxgvs]

For you. I have things to say, Things that I can’t keep all day. Do you know how much I miss you? How much I missed the old you? Maybe they’re right. Everything for you now is so bright. But I’m still here, standing in fright. Where you left me, with nothing in sight. You told me, you loved me You told me, you need me. But why can’t you be, The one who’s standing right next to me? You wanted the stars, But I gave you the moon. Maybe, I was too much for you. I knew this will all end soon. You’re happy now. I know. But the truth is just so hard to see. I guess it takes a while to let go, Of something not meant to be.

poem for my english class

[cxgvs]

I love you but i'm tired.

I love you. and maybe, i want to unlove you.

i admit it. denying it will get me no where. i realized that the more i hold back the feelings, the more it’ll get deeper and heavier. the more na i-deny ko na hindi ko sya gusto or mahal, the more na i will love him. idk this is stupid… pero feeling ko kasi ayoko na eh. sawa na ako sa ‘one time big time’ na sweetness nya. ung sweet talks and then the next day, i am nobody. walang consistency eh. Ung walang pansinan na parang walang nangyari. Ung one day, i’d feel special for him then the next, i am trash. ayoko na. option na option ang datingan eh. di ko man sabihin kahit kanino pero alam ko sa sarili ko na masakit yun. para nya akong tinaas ng sobra, sabay ilalaglag lang din pala nya ako. i am sorry and i dont blame him for all of this.. kasalanan ko to. naiinis ako sa sarili ko kasi masyado akong nag-assume. masyado kong binibigyang kahulugan yung mga small actions nya.

Sorry ah? di ko na naisip ung mga taong nakapaligid sayo, ung mga tao na sweet mo din kung tratuhin. Di ko na naisip ung babaeng gusto mo talaga, na baka nga hindi ka lang sakin ganito

sorry din dahil ang tanga ko para pumayag na maging option mo.

maybe i was just a ladybug, and you were a garden.

kapag kasama ko mga kaibigan natin, di ko maiwasan na humugot, na parang ang labas ay sinaktan mo ko, pinaasa mo ko ganon (hahaha sorry) pero for me, those hugots are just jokes. (but half true) kasi whenever they ask me about you, sa joke ko na lang dinadaan mga nararamdaman ko. Siguro nga nasaktan talaga ako. umasa kasi ako eh.

but now, i’ve decided. i’m tired of doing nothing. i’m tired of waiting for the day he’ll come back to me and tell me that “we” have a chance. Pagod na ko magantay ng panahon na masuklian pa ung pagmamahal at effort na binigay ko. i dont want to wait anymore.

i feel sorry for the opportunities i didnt take, for the long quizzes i missed.. the fights i got into with my bestfriends.. knowing na ung pinaglalaban ko, di pala ako pinaglalaban. saklap diba? Hahaha maybe para sakanya, joke time lang to. Sana nainform ako, para di ko sineryoso yung “i love you” nya. para di na sana ako umasa at di ako nasaktan.. sana sinabihan man lang nya ako na naglalaro lang sya para sana nakipaglaro din ako. kaso wala eh. nahulog din ako kaya ako pa din ang talo.

ayaw ko na.

i should let go of this feeling.. and grab onto new ones that are coming. i’m done waiting. i have to take jumps and adventures and leave all the things that are too heavy for me to carry. you still became part of me so i wont say that i’ll forget you..

Just the feeling.

[cxbts]

This is just for fun. EFFORT. 

[cxbts]

Heart Attack- Demi Lovato (Cover) I'm sorry if its ugly though. at least I tried. 

[cxbts]

Wait for You (cover)

HAHAHAHA Wala sa tono ung ibang parts. Sarreh. XD