cxgvs

[cxgvs]

study in self hatred

Searows house song // Jody Chan sick (via @geryone ) // Iain S. Thomas i wrote this for you // Lucy Dacus My mother & i // Kaven Akbar “calling a wolf a wolf” // unknown // Fernando Pessoa a little larger than the entire universe // Julien baker vanishing point // Lisa Marie Basile i put the coffin out to sea // boygenius souvenir

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2025 and im back.

I just had this very strong urge to reblog this again with notes.. its like, writing it down is acknowledging the fact that the me who wrote the OG post is delulu HAHAHAH

i think unconsciously ive held on to this post the way i held on to my feelings.. baka kaya di ako makamove on kasi "sayang ung friendship" kasi at the back of my mind, i know i have this post.. this story.. to go back to

pero lets be honest.. feeling ko this post.. since its just my POV.. its just me being delusional..

you didnt like me back.. all your actions never meant anything

and im trying my hardest to say (or type) this as lightly as possible

kasi totoo eh. baka delulu lang talaga ako and di mo naman talaga ako nagustuhan, or like, me considering you as a TOTGA is a REALLLYY crazy thought for you kasi "wtf? san galing yun?" hahaha gets

so ayun. im posting this and deleting it.

i just want to write it down.

to acknowledge that im delusional and crazy

and that everything between us meant nothing

friends tayo, oo. pero more than that? thats stupid..

actually? friends? hahaha di ko na din sure

pero lets not go there. alam ko madaming issues about that topic (sa past at least and slight present time kasi mga di kami matahimik na tropahan hahaha) pero ayun lang.. im just gonna accept we were never friends and we never meant anything

thats the truth

so bye ru**** hahahaha good riddance

A little bit of you.

Years have passed. You’re on your own path and I’m on mine. Walking with people we choose to be with.. sadly, we weren’t on each others lanes.

On the first day of officially being a highschool student, I saw you. You were in line next to my section and your domo-kun bag was facing me. My bestfriend at that time was wearing the same bag and I immediately teased her with you. Little did I know that months later, you’d be beside each other acting all sweet and lovey-dovey. Posting cute sweet messages online and acting all shy in person.

I was actually glad I became an instant cupid for the both of you. Never knew that on that day that i’d tease her with you will be (hopefully) a memory for the three of us on how you actually started.

Highschool went on and on. My bestfriend unfortunately left me for you . She chose you, someone who she knew only for months over me, who spent yearsss together with her. But it was all good.. After that incident, I gave priority to people who were actually there for me no matter what and I’m glad she stayed (up until now)

Your relationship with her was the fairytale kind. You were the perfect prince charming every girl would love to have. You were sweet, creative, talented, funny, and a gentleman. Who wouldn’t like you? Really?

But even if you had that cute-sweet highschool fairytale lovestory, it sure wasn’t perfect. When your relationship ended with her, you started anew with me. (Not romantically tho) We became close. We were bestfriends. If you were the perfect boyfriend, you sure as hell was the perfect bestfriend too. You were protective of me. You always wanted to go home together and I wouldn’t have the heart to disagree. You held me close under your small umbrella when it rains. You can even push other people away just for me to be next to you. When you make new mixtapes, I’d be the first one to hear it and I’d tell you I loved it. We would talk all night, talking about our future, our future college destinations, future dream jobs, and how we would talk about having to spend those college days together. You were so sweet it gave me tooth aches at night.

I was actually your #1 fan! I’d support you and have your bottle of water in my hands after your dance practices and competitions. I actually go out of my way just to see you and to be with you . I never missed a chance to make you feel my support when it comes to your passion. If I can’t personally go to your events, I’d say “I’ll be supporting you from here!” and I hope in those moments, it brought smiles to your face.

You needed me as much as i needed you. We filled each others’ gap. We were bestfriends and that’s all we need to know.

Our friends started to question our actions. We acted as if we’re more than bestfriends. (Or so I’d like to think..) There were moments of you randomly playing with my hair in front of our friends. Arms wrapped around my shoulders and the other holding my hand. That time where you and another friend of ours (who you think was my crush) were playing around, making playful sweet jokes and corny pickup lines.. my “"crush”“ was going around saying ”pahawak nga“ with his fist close as if he was actually holding something, you were beside me while this was happening and i immediately thought of gross things like maybe a toy cockroach is the ‘thing’ you guys were making us hold, but you only shook your head ‘No’ and smiled at me. You even told me that if I held out my hand I’ll feel ”“kilig”“ because it was my ”“"crush”“” who was asking but I still refused until you turned back to me and said “Oh, eto. Pahawak.” I eyed you suspiciously but ended up holding out my hand to you and the next thing you did was locked up our fingers and smiled to me waiting for my reaction to your precious trick. I only laughed at how ridiculous and sweet that was and then we let go.

Keep reading

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"did i tell u this already?" we are in a timeloop and i am in love with u tell me again

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Hi, I just wanted to say I read your post. It may not be much, but someone is listening. Sending love ❤️

🥺🥺🥺🥺 omg i dont know how long ago this message this is bc i dont expect anyone to know my personal account let alone read my thoughts but :(( im crying thank you anon

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can i just say…… Mono in general is so beautifully written? I think i havent found songs so relatable? Songs so beautiful it comforts me with each word? Shushes all my pain and worries?

I am so helplessly in love with Kim Namjoon.

Like literally.. bc yk i’m actually the kind of person who doesnt give so much attention to my insecurities (but i have them ofc) its like… im that type of person who was always smiling? I’m that friend who would always joke and make everyone laugh..

And this might sound fake but im that friend that makes everyone smile but when its me whos sad.. no one is there for me? (½ figuratively speaking)

&& its like i got conditioned that i cant be sad over trivial things? –

like i cant be “sad” bc im the happy friend, the carefree/happy go lucky friend. its like i cant feel down or smth.. so its like i cry or feel sad alone? I dont usually show it to ppl when im sad. and like i push back my own insecurities just so i can still be that “happy” friend

then so.. hearing “moonchild” from Mono is just so refreshing??? Its like i can finally let all those insecurities and the anxiety free.. and that its okay to feel them? im free to feel pain.. free to cry.. free to feel sad? &&& that it always okay to priority yourself first?

*SIGH hahahaa idk emo hours [open] i guess??? 😅

but still thank you Namjoon.. i-i really appreciate you and your lyrics.. t-thank you. 👉🏼👈🏼

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hey so its literally 1:33AM and officially workday / monday already but im here, writing again, like i have something so important to document lmao

so tonight its actually fathers day, yea? we went to my grandfather's grave to greet him too and then when we went home idk i just started being sad

was it bc i miss Tatay? was it bc i saw some hs pictures? is it bc its monday already and i have to face another week of crippling anxiety by my job?

idk but fuck this is tiring

also i hate how my journaling is literally so random??? like, sometimes i write offline then i write here like, i want my thoughts be collated yk (idk just a random thought very out of topic)

anyway

i still have 5 weeks? or 6 weeks for my job lmao im counting the days my contract gets terminated

why am i so scared to just resign instead of waiting for my contract to end like a fucking coward i dont understand myself either

i keep on whining i dont wanna work but continue to wait out the days for it to end like bitch make up your mind

sigh idk im a mess lol

pretty sure when i read this again, id be fucking confused haha

stay alive

[cxgvs]

hello its me

hmm idk why i wanna write something here tho yknow i think tumblr d worded to my same gen tumblr moots ...

anyway

maybe one day when i die, my friends & family will find my blog and just /know/ you know but lmao theyre probably just gonna find my yn fics hahaha

anywayyyy back to the real reason why i wanna write here...

i find it scary im having these kind of thoughts lately i dont know if its because of my job? (maybee? its actually the only reason i see rn?) bc honestly... im doing fine in all other things..

friends? theyre okay.. we talk and meet up if this lockdown permits (yup 2021 and still in lockdown)

family? we're good as well.. im happy theyre healthy and well (hope it continues like that for a long time)

me? well.... i guess the problem starts there lol idk i keep having these thoughts bout wanting not to wake up from sleep yk lmao and it actually stems from not wanting to go to work with the role that i currently have ....

maybe im being ungrateful rn but i really feel like its not healthy for me to be in this role.. its too pressuring, gives me anxiety.. and i know im only a month in but do you really have to be in a situation longer for you to say that its toxic for you? toxic for your mental health?

honeslty idk i feel kinda bad that im prioritizing my mental health over earning like putting myself first is something so bad lol i feel so guilty about feeling this way

and i feel that im unfair bc my family is working so hard in different countries, working their asses off, literally one have to caught the virus (theyre ok now tho) but still work

and im here,,, being a fucking baby,, whining about how THIS is the worst situation that i am in lmao

but they just dont get it,,, maybe i was mentally unstable right before all this happened (my job) and now its triggering these thoughts out of me and seriously i have never wanted to feel this way, i swear.. i didnt want to feel so broken,, so weak,,, i dont want to constantly ask for help,,, show signs that im emotionally & mentally drowning,,,, its just so hard to be living this way..

i didnt even realize that I'll go to such extent of wishing i dont wake up from my sleep

but at the same time, im fucking terrified this "life" will last longer you know?

you know how in books/universe beliefs that what you want to happen will be jinxed if you keep thinking about it lmao

im so so terrified about it like,, what if i really wanna die but end up living 100 more years lol

like bitch i dont wanna live so long if im this unhappy.. i dont want this life if im just constantly insecure about everything, how im literally fucking depressed and unhealthy..

and im so fucking sick hearing about "you can change this for yourself" "live life/change your life for you" "youre the driver of this life" bullshit like BRO DO YOU THINK I DONT KNOW THAT

Like ok man i KNOW i can change my life but at this fucking moment???? i cant???? and its difficult to just wake up one day and feel inspired and be full of energy in a mental state like this???

yall r so fucking stupid if you also think depression is being so skinny, eating less, looking stressed and fuck bc depression is also the opposite.. like honestly?? i dont fucking look depressed but look at me now tho?? haha

im overweight, i dont look sleep deprived, i still eat, and i still sleep.. im here but sometimes im not here you know?

whats worse is that depression here is being so downplayed like its just "drama"& not a real fucking disease,, i have relatives who would think - they've been thru worse and that YOU feeling sad and depressed for them is just whines and worthless drama and that youre just overreacting like you dont have a fucking right to feel that way just because theyve been thru "worst" lmao ok bitch do you want a fucking "not depressed" award

well fuck im sorry my generation have to deal with your fucking trauma bc you let it out on us just because we're younger and you dont have any idea that the shit youre putting us thru is actually YOUR trauma???? like fuck

sigh

im just so tired of this unhappiness.. i miss my old self,, the better me,,, i miss my passions,, the things that make me happy,,, bc right now, i can only do so much and still feel this way..

i can paint and sing all day but it wont bring me back the same energy, the same joy it brought to me before - and i miss that...

why do i have to be this way? i just wanna be happy..

[cxgvs]

hey so its 4am on feb 15 rn and idk my mood just kinda 📉📉📉 yknow and idk.. ive saw pictures from my highschool and felt sad lol

but actually i spent vday with my sis (bc her date ditched her last minute) so we kinda ate out just for the sake of valentines

and suddenly realizing that if it werent for her date being cancelled, i'd be home alone and eating gimbap yknow? would i even survive my thoughts on this day if i spent it alone lol

but anyways... my mood rn isnt the best and yknow its kinda sad knowing you dont have that special someone u can talk to at random parts of the day.. kinda sad how im sad rn and i cant talk to anyone rn.. ya feel? im here writing all of this down like SOMEONE would really read this? lol

idk.. anyway valentines is a social construct made by capitalists and i absolutely loathe how i am a victim of said capitalists and how im getting myself FEEL this sad mood just bc of this day ugh gross

thats all

happy valentines i guess

[cxgvs]

i hate dreaming about people then end up missing them the moment i wake up... its like so manipulating in a way hahahaha

[cxgvs]

Sad... just sad.

It's so draining to be like this.. i dont know what to do...

[cxgvs]

“I think part of the reason why we hold so tight is because we fear something so great won’t happen twice”

— unknown (via hatin)

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And maybe you're just

another bad habit,

that I'm struggling

to let go of.

This might hurt me. //ma.c.a

[cxgvs]

cant sleep, homesick.

[cxgvs]