#chubby and the gang rule ok?

[yandereaffections]

Agapito Adolfo (YA’s Oc) Masterlist

Stereotypical bad boy Agapito Adolfo

Character Description

Finding him beat up in the alley

S/o that people usually harass

Bringing him a homemade meal during work

Asthmatic S/o

Somone picking a fight with S/o who looks intimidating

S/os passion requiring them to be outside

The Purge

Starving Succubus S/o to the point of cheating  

Yandere Letter

Torture

Vampire Agapito w/ a tasty S/o

Musical S/o playing Spooky Scary Skeletons

Zombie Apocalypse

Crime Boss S/o

Starving Succubus S/o to the point of Fainting

Virgin S/o

Artistic + Baker S/o

Wearing Agapitos Clothes

Torturing a very cute S/o

Sensitive S/o

Chubby, Short S/o

Calling him “Daddy” in public

S/o running off to punch someone

Snuggly S/o sleeps nude

S/o loves spicy foods

S/os never been given a gift

Sweet Toothed S/o

S/os the head of a motorcycle gang

No Weed smell in the house Rule

S/o eats to much Edible the first time

Squeeze Agapitos ass

S/o loves Pokemon

Sweet Darlings also a assassin

S/o forgets to take care of themselves frequently

Affectionate yet Flustered by PBA S/o

Sexually Harassed S/o TW

S/os kidnapped by a rival gang

Aggressive Male S/o trying to fight Agapito

Neko Darling

Putting work first

Sick s/o not taking care of themselves

Accident prone s/o

Touch starved s/o who draws unwanted attention to themselves

Hyperactive S/o

S/o crying cause he came home bleeding

S/o being ok with their kidnapping

Soft HC

OCD S/o

S/o has no self control and eats what their allergic to

S/o splitting their tongue

Thinking his S/o ran away

S/o cleaning everything cause of COVID

Nia VS Agaptio piece

Figuring out his S/os pregnant

S/o has night terrors

Pushing Agapito to cry

S/o who calms down when their hair is played with

S/os sleep schedule is out of wack

S/o getting hurt when saving a kid from being abused

S/o dressed up in lolita fashion

S/o getting addicted to his drug stash

Goth S/o and him making a intimidating couple

Forced to cuddle him and loving it

Kidnapped S/o playing tag/hide and seek

S/o who is immune to poison

S/o who loves affection but is stubborn

Sick S/o

Yandere S/o whos a ex assassin killing a rival that hurt him

Ignoring your boyfriend Challenge

Crush has a big dog

S/o whos a politician (male reader)

taking care of his S/o who got in a street fight

Asexual/Aromantic S/o

Pranking him for April fools

Romantically inexperienced S/o

telling him I Love You

Going to the park with icecream as a date

Sleepy S/o who can kick ass

Sadistic HC

S/o getting kidnapped in the middle of the night

Celebrating his angels birthday

S/o with spiderman like powers

S/o who got over a drug addiction not wanting to be around him

Celebrating Halloween

Werewolf Agapito

Drider Agapito Hunted down

Werewolf S/o who looks just like a dog

S/o who has never experienced halloween

Platonic Yandere father

S/o FTM

Artist S/o

Caregiver S/o

Soft Headcannons

Rejecting Agapito

S/o who flinches at sudden movements

Charming the reader

His controlling behavior

Extremely quiet S/o

Autistic Darling

S/o who overworks themselves

Arguing HC

Idol S/o

Darling with Top Energy

S/o refusing to date after losing their ex

Wholesome misunderstanding

Cop s/o trying to get him arrested

Darling likes to feel him up when shirtless

Teaching S/o Spanish curse words

Darling whos scared to fall asleep due to truama from their ex

Falling for a single mother

getting high with Agapito TW

Dependent S/o

Small soft and romantic things

S/o saying “i wish i could crawl under your skin”

S/o saying “i wish we were seahorses so i could give you my 1000 babies”

Brave S/o whos afraid of bugs

Detective S/o that can incriminate other rival gangs of Agapitos

Panicking over S/o getting stabbed

Yandere Alphabet: A,B,D,F,H,L,M,T,Z

S/o who cant fall alseep without him

Finding his S/o injured after a fight

S/o who can see through his manipulation

Comforting Autistic S/o through a meltdown

Darling going through a breakdown due to school work

S/o whos upset cause all their friends seem to leave them

Darlings love language is bite

Finding out crush is dating his brother

Agapitos first love trys to kill the two of you

S/o with financial anxiety

Darling who actually loves his yandere behavior

S/o whos a child of a Mafia Family

Kissing headcannons

S/o who is convinced they don't deserve to be well because of their parents abuse

Angel can escape through sleep walking unknowingly

Terrible cook s/o tries making him a meal

Psycho analyzing and calling him out for his behavior

Almost shooting his S/o

Assassin S/o who must complete a final mission to retire

Seeing Angels cutting scars for the first time TW

S/o w/ Histrionic personality disorder

Finding out S/o is pregnant with quintuplets

Preparation toward kidnapping S/o

Cannibal S/o

S/o whose unbelievably quiet  

Darling loving how their attacker said “Knife, to meet you” before stabbing them

Making pregnancy/family life ads pop up on his phone in attempt to convince him to start a family

Replicating Shojo Manga moments with S/o

Short angry male S/o whose only affectionate towards him

Flirting with Agapito the first time you meet him

Keeping notes on S/o pre-kidnapping

Finding unsent love letters from S/o

S/o suddenly showing they can speak spanish

S/o whos old fashioned when it comes to romance

Darling who is a professional dancer

S/o singing Lo Que Siento by CUCO

Reaction to His Workers being attracted to his S/o

Group of women talking bad about his S/o

Running into each other when planning on kidnapped each other

Circumstance/reason agapito would drop his job

Blind S/o making a clay sculpture of his face

Kidnapped S/o who doesnt fight just cries themselves to sleep

Caregiver S/o prt 2

Male S/o that willingly went to prison

S/o loving him but their wariness keeping them away

Letting S/o have a position at his job

Punishment for a escaped S/o

Platonic yandere HC

Neighbors hearing kidnapped s/o and calling the police on him

S/o asking weird questions cause your planning a birthday party for him

S/o loving his possessive nature prt 2

Shy angel works at a restaurant

His cuddle libido & what he wears to sleep

Angels friend is obsessed with them and doesnt like agapito

Sending a friend to reject him for you

Just kidnapped his darling HC

S/o that randomly disappears in the house

Finding out you write fanfics of him

Finding out angles been hiding a boyfriend from him

Helping S/o during a heat stroke

Finding out about his career and ghosting him

napping on him in sketchy situations

How would his ex’s describe him as a boyfriend

“I love you, and I know you love me too. Even if you refuse to admit it.”

“I’m sorry, I know it hurts.”

“You went out yesterday. Stay here, I’m still tired.”

How Agapito would pace your relationship together

His future goals with his S/o

“Alpha male” trying to steal his S/o

Agapito finding out his S/O is pregnant but they dont force him to listen

Angel coming out as Demipansexual

Letting his Angel tag along during work only for his workers to ask for their number

More sadistic agapito HC

Angel whos always stressed/drained from work

how he would edge his way into a college darling’s life

Irritated Agapito asking S/o where he stands in the relationship

Hunted down

Werewolf agapito prt 2

Werecat agapito

Watching Netflixs YOU w/ Agaptio

Ghost S/o

Vampire Agapito prt 2

Fluff HC of Agapito with: Cuddles, agressive affection, Kissing and being possessive/ protective

Haunted House w/ scaredy cat S/o

Finding out Angel has stayed up 24 hours

Celebrating the fall with his holiday-crazed angel

What costumes he would wear for halloween growing up

Scary movies

Real haunted house

Werewolf agapito during The Purge

Comforting his S/o HC

Friends with benefits

S/os bestfriend is evicting them

Walking in on yandere s/o taking care of a body

Aro S/o giving a yellow rose for valentines

Randomly placing underware in his hands for valentines

Finding out S/o actively daydreams about another character

Kidnapped S/o finding out he plays violin

Finding former delinquent S/os yearbook

Angel whos dedicated on spoiling him

Walking into yandere s/o with a body at their feet

S/os always getting hurt

Going on a hotel getaway w/ agapito

Skittish kidnapped S/o asking for a massage 

S/o making gifts whenever their hyper fixated on a craft

Forcing his stubborn S/o to the ER

Autistic S/o feeling safe unmasking around him

Having Easter dinner w/ S/os family

Kidnapped S/o being a master at hiding around the house

Agapitos work HC

Wearing agapitos jacket

Celebrating angel passing all their exams

Kidnapping S/o only to find their allergic to something in the house

Angel going on a hunger strike

Sugar daddy HC

S/o has a secret side gig as a bodyguard

Stubborn S/o refusing to let him help cook

Possessive HC

Pinning after a detective S/o on his case (comission)

S/os a member of a rival gang that kidnaps him, though is nice to him despite that

S/o being possessive of Agapito

Kidnapped S/o taking a vow of silence in protest

S/o who has extreme social anxiety

Small romantic things in a relationship

S/o wants to adopt a dog

Courting a newbie in his drug ring

Yandere Alphabet C,E,H,K,S,V,Q,X

Yandere Alphabet B,D,I,Y

Moving his angel in HC

S/o sneaking out to go dancing

Demon agapito stalking HC

Zombie Agapito

Captured siren S/o

Werecat S/o

The Purge HC

Platonic S/o came back from the dead as half ghost

Life threatening situation w/ Werewolf S/o

Demon S/o

Zombie Apocalypse 

Teasing him at home 

Somnophila w/ male s/o 

Topping Agapito 

Daddy Kink 

Catching him jerking off to a picture of you 

S/o who gets horny when high 

Naga Agapito Breeding kink 

Incubus Agapito feeding off of you and helping with your siblings 

Male S/o wearing a Bunny Outfit 

Cockwarming HC 

BJ at the workplace 

Licking a popsicle seductively 

Male s/o whos been teasing him all day 

Knife & Blood Kink TW

Sitting on his face 

Favorite Position w/ Male S/o 

Lactation & Body Worship 

Kinks Headcannons 

Riding Male S/o

Incubus Agapito stealing his angels underwear

Non-con HC TW

Werewolf Agaptio/Darling Noncon TW

[literalliterature]

Feel like a lot of my keet tag is pretty serious which is understandable because currently the gang is in Angst Arc Central but it also feels slightly disingenuous for people who follow me because 80% of the time she's like. She just.

Like she looks like this ok. Do you get it.

[ID: Several drawings of Keet. The first, fully colored, is a fake YouTube video thumbnail, showing her from the shoulders up. She is chubby and light-skinned, with white freckles across her face and mid-length, wavy black hair streaked with white, which is mostly tied back. She wears white headphones, a light blue shirt with the sleeves ripped off, a curved wooden pendant, and a thick leather bracelet. Her chin rests on her hand as she smiles and appears to be speaking. Red text next to her reads, “Choices Are Being Made,” and the background of the thumbnail shows a map. Below the thumbnail is the video title, “Bad Life Decisions Speedrun.” The other two drawings are uncolored sketches. In the first, she is grinning while holding a rat in her hands and saying to it, "I'm the giant rat that makes all of the rules," while the rat thinks of bread. In the second, she is facing the viewer and smiling sweetly, while an arrow pointing to her reads "spat out from hell." End ID.]

[crunchity]

12 songs of 2020

Looking West, Edinburgh

Cripes I’m glad that year is over. Hard to get through, but music certainly helped. That, and coffee and booze obvs.

Previous lists: 2019 | 2018 | 2017 | 2016 | 2015

Lizzie Reid Tribute

Andy Shauf Dust Kids

Land of Talk Diaphanous

Chubby and the Gang Chubby and the Gang Rule OK?

Beach Bunny April

Tim Heidecker (with Weyes Blood) Oh How We Drift Away

Laura Marling Fortune

Perfume Genius Describe

Lomelda Stranger Sat By Me

Bob Dylan Murder Most Foul

Waxahatchee St. Cloud

Pinegrove Dotted Line

[guerrilla-operator]

Chubby and The Gang // Chubby and The Gang Rule OK? 

[senorboombastic]

Chubby and the Gang sign to Partisan - WATCH the new video for 'All Along the Uxbridge Road'

Chubby and the Gang sign to Partisan – WATCH the new video for ‘All Along the Uxbridge Road’

Words: Andy Hughes (Photo credit: Ellie Chaplin)

In light of recent news with people in the music industry being asked to scrap their dreams and ‘retrain’, it’s not such a bad thing that Charlie ‘Chubby’ Manning – leader of LDN punks Chubby and the Gang – is a known electrician in West London. Got to keep that side hustle strong…

Today the band have announced their star-studded signing to Partisan…

[clare-with-no-i]

I think the fat phobic thing is a reach. I know that JKR is not the most popular person in the world right now, but Harry Potter did not teach kids that being different in appearance means that there is sth wrong with you. Neville is described as being clumsy, chubby and nerdy and is one of the best characters in the series -with beautiful story about growing into yourself and that bravery can be expressed in very different ways. And what about Hagrid! He very much does not conform to societal norms when it comes to looks, he’s being ridiculed because of it by his peers, and yet he’s also one of the best influences in Harry’s life. Luna is described as a very odd looking individual and she’s one of Harry’s best friends. And thing about Weasley’s. I personally thing that JKR description of what growing up poor looks like was very good. I mean we see that this family is being met with scorn, people comment on hand me down clothes, old books, number of kids! This is very spot on. And JKR shows them as loving, giving, industrious people. That’s a very good lesson to kids. And in regards to Dursley’s. Sure, Dudley, Vernon and Marge are overweight. But it’s not that that makes them awful human beings. Does being fat makes Dudley an outcast? No, he has his gang of similar assholes. The trauma of his upbringing is a different story, and stems from inability to reprimand a child and setting a clear set of rules as well as neglecting to teach him compassion and love. You know, bad people come in all shapes and sizes. And HP has it’s problems, sure. But it’s also a children book written in the 90s and doesn’t have to combat every societal issue 🤷🏻‍♀️

ok so I think one of the places this is going wrong is misconstruing how fatphobia might function in literature: it doesn't just have to be 'this person is bad BECAUSE they're fat,' it can also be the fact that there are multiple characters whose appearances seem to be intrinsically tied to their badness—all but, if we're counting Neville, one character—and their size is used as a) the butt of a joke where they could otherwise just be critiqued for being bad people or b) a vehicle to humiliate and/or dehumanize them. need I remind that Marge is literally ballooned? as her comeuppance?

(IMHO Hagrid is a different story altogether because he's literally a giant and functions as a hyperemotional, often fumbling, caregiver. it's not an offensive portrayal but i don't think it's really the naysaying plus sized representation you might think it is. Like I'm not super impressed by the giant character not conforming to human societal norms, because he's repeatedly mentioned to be not human.

also: "He very much does not conform to societal norms when it comes to looks, he’s being ridiculed because of it by his peers, and yet he’s also one of the best influences in Harry’s life." is this supposed to be a good thing? are we supposed to be glad that he's being ridiculed for his looks and still a good person? is that really an authentically good portrayal of someone who doesn't conform to social norms, as opposed to just a person allowed to live in peace?)

I'm also confused about what, wrt Neville, negates the fact that JKR's portrayal of the many characters is fatphobic. like, yeah! I'll take the L and concede that I suppose not every character in HP who's chubby or plus-sized is a caricature of fatphobic stereotypes. does that automatically preclude JKR from leaning into and relying upon fatphobia to write certain characters? no it doesn't. here we see that tokenizing one character as a means of negating the treatment of other characters who share one singular attribute doesn't really work as a defense of a literary phenomenon

and to address some other things: first of all, Luna dresses oddly and talks like a sprite. the way she Doesn't Conform To Standards is not at all comparable to Dudley or Vernon or even Cornelius Fudge or Umbridge. second, yes, Dudley is supposed to be the product of a spoiling household—but he's also written as grubby, infantilized, over-indulging, and a number of other negative stereotypes about plus size people. his appearance is the butt of the joke in a way that another spoiled character from a different children's book, Veruca Salt, never deals with. it isn't necessary and it's lazy.

I uh. never mentioned poverty or her portrayals of class politics? yes, sure, maybe she did a good job of portraying what it's like to grow up in a poor household. and she didn't make the poor people evil. I've talked about this before, and I don't really feel the need to congratulate her for that here. like hoorah JKR you didn't demonize poor people in your supposed critique of systemic inequality. a win for the girlies!

"You know, bad people come in all shapes and sizes." the book's villain is a bald snake man i get it

here are some articles written by people with much more expertise than me on the subject, in case you were in want of sources:

https://www.themarysue.com/j-k-rowlings-fatphobia-needs-to-be-acknowledged/

https://www.insider.com/how-i-introduce-harry-potter-to-my-kids-as-fat-millennial-2021

(a good thread from twitter) https://twitter.com/artists_ali/status/1417503461940375557?lang=en

also ffs you can not combat 'every societal issue' (one societal issue) while also not directly contributing to that societal issue? like, there's a middle ground between being an activist for body positivity and being fatphobic? it's called not pointedly making fat characters evil and then continuously mentioning their sizes as an accessory to this evil?

IDK. this whole ask rubbed me the wrong way and I get that I'm not exactly being saintly in my response to you but if you're going to come to my blog and patronize me about the ways that JKR is Not Actually As Bad as we think she is, I'm going to feel comfortable matching that energy.

like, I write fanfiction for this series—I don't categorically hate every part of it and spend my days picking it apart. but there are phenomena and motifs within the HP canon that are worth deconstructing because they can normalize both internalized and interpersonal cruelty, and when those come up, I have no trouble discussing them.

so. have a good one, go with god, eat your wheaties

[sashi-ya]

So babes! Second round is finally here! But first, some basic rules for the second part of this event that I beg you read first:

⚠ 18+ Event. Explicit NSFW. Minors DNI ⚠. If you are not ok with the event or the kinks, just don't interact and/or block me. It's ok!

For the free characters: Not from the 1st round and NO minors.

Second Round requests will be open from Mon 10/11 to Fri 10/15 -or until the slots are all taken-

Each character has a number of requests, please check if they are already taken. And please, be kind to make a single request per person so everybody can have the opportunity ♥ ~

The kinks under the cuts are all sorted by type, there is also possible AUs that you can chose, and ideas to include!.

When requesting don’t forget to include at least a kink and reader’s gender and pronouns (any gender is all right). If you wish to include another prompt/kink you can also do it

In case you chose a threesome that includes two of the characters from the same round, only one of them will be taking the place. You can chose another character too in this situations, for example if you want a threesome with Law + Kid + Reader it’s totally ok as long as it has one of the characters of the round included.

Example of a request: Law with public sex and orgasm control. Romantic + Chubby Fem reader (She/Her) + hospital Au. Page one with rough sex. GN! Reader (They/Them) + Modern Au.

🙅🏻‍♀️🚫 Requests that I'm not writing 🙅🏻‍🚫

I WON'T accept anything related with NON-CON that is NOT A PLAY.

I WON'T accept requests that include blood related siblings having any type of sexual interaction.

I WON'T ACCEPT ships including: Ulti x Page One, ASL brothers, Vinsmoke siblings together, Izo x Kiku, etc (You get the idea)

I'm really sorry if you like those, I'm not judging you. I just don't feel comfortable writing for them. Thank u ♥

🥁And now, the chosen ones for the second round are....🥁

Requests will be open from Mon 10/11 to Fri 10/15 -or until the slots are all taken-

Eustass Kid 3/3

Marco 5/3

Izou 3/3

Rosinante/ Cora-san 4/4

Page One 1/2

And... Free Characters! (not from the first round pls - ASL, Law, Sanji & Zoro-) 5/5

↓ Under the cut, you will find the list of kinks just so we maintain the tumblr environment secure (and free of Tumblr Karens coming at me) ↓

Important:

We DON'T kink shame here. Sexuality should be lived openly, freely and happily as long as the parts involved are not hurt during it. Let's embrace the enjoyment of sex and its variations. Stop condemning people for what they like. If you are not ok with them, just don't interact and/or block me.

Genders: You can include more, here are just some of them.

F! Reader

M! Reader

GN! Reader

Any gender Reader + Any pronouns you would like me to use ♥

Some bodies characteristics: you can or cannot include them, they are just specific ones to give you an example.

Skinny, chubby, big breasts, small breasts, small dick, large dick, freckles, amputees, etc.

Groupings:

Character x gender! reader

Threesome

Foursome

Orgy / Gang bang

Type of relationship & Sex:

Romantic (in a relationship/not)

Casual

Slow sex &/or Rough sex

Make up sex

First time

Virtual / sexting

etc

General:

Masturbation (give/recieve)

Blowjob

Deepthroat/face fuck

Cunnillingus

Face sitting

Edging

Teasing

JOI (jerk off instruccions)

Double penetration (DP)

Ass play:

Sex

Toys

Pegging

Rimming

DP

Restrictive:

Gags

Collars

Leashes

Chastity

Bondage light / heavy

Toys:

Dildos; Plugs; Vibrators; Strap on

Domination

Dom/sub dynamics

Slave/master

Pet play

DDLG/ MDLG / DDLB / MDLB

Discipline

Begging

Forced orgasm

Orgasm control

Orgasm denial

Switching roles

Degradation:

Glory hole

Name calling

Humilliation

“Non-con” : All with previous consent and full enjoyment of the participating parts → I will NOT write anything non con that is NOT a play.

Rape play

Kidnapping (play)

Drugs/alcohol

Sleep play / somnophilia

“Taboo”:

Incest → (I won't write any request that includes sexual interaction between blood relatives. Step bro/sis is ok as long as they haven't been raised together )

Cheating

Vouyerism

Exhibitionism

Public sex

Getting caught

Surrealism:

Tentacles

Using DF powers for sex

Hybrid form (Zoan users) ~ (pls don't make me write a fic where X-Drake or Pay Pay fuck reader on full dino mode because it just won't happen lol 🤣)

Fluids:

Squirting

Marking

Facial

Swallowing

Swapping fluids

Blood play

Watersports / omorashi

Lactation

Cream pie

Period sex

Touch & Stimulation:

Nipple play

Breath play / Choking

Foot play

Tickling

Sensation play

Blindfolding

Scents/sweat play

Food play

Overstimulation

Shower sex

Frotting

Ice play

Wax play

Knife play

Misc. Kinks:

Impregnation – Breeding

Feminization

Cuckold

Medical play

Police/marine play

Roleplay

Pain:

Hair pulling

Light pain

Heavy pain

Biting/Marks

Nipple clamps

Dacriphylia

Some AUs:

One Piece / canon AU

Hospital AU

Modern AU

Uni/college (not high school because this is a 18+ event)

Mafia AU

Civilizations AU

Angel/demon / gods / divinity AU

Dystopian / End of the world/ Zombie apocalypse / pandemics AU

Business AU

Halloween AU

Dessert island (canon/modern) AU

Harem AU

Prison AU

Merpeople AU

Roommates AU

Vampires/warewolf AU

Soulmates AU

Space AU

[theincompetentgenius]

Negative traits of mine: forgetful, oblivious, impulsive, clumsy(pro at breaking things lmaoo) and moody. Some of my hobbies include reading, writing, playing instruments, crocheting, and doing makeup! My dream date is cuddling in bed on a rainy day and having my head pet/hair played with!! Maybe some hand holding, forehead kisses and whispering mushy stuff to each other too🥺 As for appearance im 5'3 and curvy with wavy brown hair chubby cheeks and blue eyes! Thank you so much!💖 (part 2/2)💌

You sound like an absolute sweetheart??? You’re pretty much the aesthetic of adorable. Thanks for the request and I hope you enjoy my response!

Ikemen Sengoku

I’d pair you with ................... Date Masamune!

If you couldn’t tell, I’m a major sucker for the introverted x extroverted trope. Maybe I watch too many movies or these otome games are doing a number on me, but it’s basically my matchup law. 

Why? It’s because as an introvert, you’re not likely to approach anyone and making close connections can become very difficult. However, Masamune’s outgoing and curious nature is going to draw him towards you. He’ll have no problem pestering you and forcing you to talk to him.

Once your guard has fallen, you feel comfortable being your true self! Every time Masamune tries to hit on you, you pull out your favorite sarcastic comments. Lucky for you, he’s not offended and laughs. It only piques his interest because he’s never seen a sweet girl with a bit of sass.

I can see you two having major teasing wars against each other. It’s impossible to say who starts it because it is natural to both of you. However, I can say that you will lose 99% of the time. That’s because Masamune is going to lean in close, pull your waist towards him, and give his favorite smirk. And there is no one on this planet that can beat that except for maybe Mitsuhide.

The real loser is everyone else in Azuchi Palace. Since you can’t win against Masamune, you call a truce with him. He accepts, on the condition that you guys gang up on the other warlords and look for people to tease. Soon, you guys create a systematic routine: you pop out of nowhere and make a joke, while Masamune jumps from the opposite side and makes another awful joke. Nobunaga considered executing both of you because you guys did it while he was asleep.

Your primary candidate: Ieyasu

Your backup: Hideyoshi

The good about this relationship is that most of your negative traits are covered by Masamune’s attentiveness. When you two go out, you don’t notice the gazes of other men while Masamune sees them immediately. He’ll put an arm around your shoulder and pull you towards his chest. Not only does it make you warm inside, but it tells the other men to stay away. Despite his reckless attitude, Masamune is quick to assess any possible dangers that you may face. 

Also, Masamune is absolutely in love with your makeup? He’ll be awed at the different colors schemes you used for eyeshadow, the black eyeliner that makes your eyes so alluring, and the foundation for your flawless skin. But importantly, he’ll go blind from your poppin’ highlight.

Another possibility: Akechi Mitsuhide

Ikemen Revolution

I’d pair you with ........................ Ray Blackwell!

Alright, I’ll deviate from my rule of introvert x extrovert here. Just because this paring would be really cute and filled with so many fluffy moments even though I suck at fluff? My stone, angsty heart is actually looking forward to all the fluff here.

Ok, so this relationship is able to start because of your curiosity! Naturally, you’d want to learn more about the man who caught you and was the first person you saw in the Cradle. Although he was King of Spades, he was much more reserved than you anticipated. You would go around asking about Ray and try to spend more time with him to get to know him better.

As the two of you spent more time together, Ray would tease you about your clumsiness and your obliviousness. You’d come back with a comment about his cat obsession and another teasing war would begin. Fortunately, you can actually win these battles. You like to seal your victory by sticking your tongue out at him.

There’s so much cuddling in this relationship??? I can imagine you guys reading together. Both of you are in his bed during a rainy evening, curled up against each other under a snug blanket. Ray has one book in his hand while you have another in your hand. He’ll idly run his fingers through your smooth, soft hair while your head nuzzles against his chest. You keep reading until you fall asleep on his arms. When you fall asleep, Ray will plant a kiss on your forehead and turn off the lights in the room.

When you’re writing something, your first person to run to is Ray. Not only is he extremely interested in reading your work, but he gives constructive feedback that makes your work so much stronger.

When you guys go out, you’ll be holding hands and laughing about the most random topics ever. In the middle of your trip, you get a little hungry and Ray buys you a snack. While you eat, you get a few crumbs below your lips. Ray will take the opportunity to mess with you.

“You got something next to your lips.” “No, not there.” “You just moved further down.”  “Missed it by a tiny bit”

In the end, he’ll use his thumb to brush the crumbs away from your lips and run his finger over your lips. Your face turns red as he gives you a quick peck on your lips and a soft smirk. When he points out that your blushing (by giving a small poke on your cheek), you deny it until the very end. You don’t want him to get away, but you want some more fluff deep down.

When you play with Belle, his heart is about to explode! His favorite person and his favorite cat together is his favorite sight. While Belle is in your arms, he’ll sweep you off your feet and twirl you in the air. You get a mini-heart attack by trying to keep Belle in your arms, but you laugh when he brings you back to the ground. He places his forehead on your own forehead with the softest smile.

“You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”

Another possibility: Fenrir Godspeed

[yandereaffections]

6th MASTERLIST

6th Masterlist in order: My OC’s

1st master list

2nd master list

3rd master list

4th master list

5th master list

7th master list

Continuation of My OC’s:

Agapito Adolfo-

Character Description

Finding him beat up in the alley

S/o that people usually harass

Bringing him a homemade meal during work

Asthmatic S/o

Somone picking a fight with S/o who looks intimidating

S/os passion requiring them to be outside

The Purge

Starving Succubus S/o to the point of cheating  

Yandere Letter

Torture

Vampire Agapito w/ a tasty S/o

Musical S/o playing Spooky Scary Skeletons

Zombie Apocalypse

Crime Boss S/o

Starving Succubus S/o to the point of Fainting

Virgin S/o

Artistic + Baker S/o

Wearing Agapitos Clothes

Torturing a very cute S/o

Sensitive S/o

Chubby, Short S/o

Calling him “Daddy” in public

S/o running off to punch someone

Snuggly S/o sleeps nude

S/o loves spicy foods

S/os never been given a gift

Sweet Toothed S/o

S/os the head of a motorcycle gang

No Weed smell in the house Rule

S/o eats to much Edible the first time

Squeeze Agapitos ass

S/o loves Pokemon

Sweet Darlings also a assassin

S/o forgets to take care of themselves frequently

Affectionate yet Flustered by PBA S/o

Sexually Harassed S/o TW

S/os kidnapped by a rival gang

Aggressive Male S/o trying to fight Agapito

Neko Darling

Putting work first

Sick s/o not taking care of themselves

Accident prone s/o

Touch starved s/o who draws unwanted attention to themselves

Hyperactive S/o

S/o crying cause he came home bleeding

S/o being ok with their kidnapping

Soft HC

OCD S/o

S/o has no self control and eats what their allergic to

S/o splitting their tongue

Thinking his S/o ran away

S/o cleaning everything cause of COVID

Nia VS Agaptio piece

Figuring out his S/os pregnant

S/o has night terrors

Pushing Agapito to cry

S/o who calms down when their hair is played with

S/os sleep schedule is out of wack

Teasing him at home NS FW

Somnophila w/ male s/o NS FW

Topping Agapito NS FW

S/o getting hurt when saving a kid from being abused

S/o dressed up in lolita fashion

S/o getting addicted to his drug stash

Goth S/o and him making a intimidating couple

Forced to cuddle him and loving it

Kidnapped S/o playing tag/hide and seek

Daddy Kink NS FW

S/o who is immune to poison

S/o who loves affection but is stubborn

Sick S/o

Yandere S/o whos a ex assassin killing a rival that hurt him

Ignoring your boyfriend Challenge

Crush has a big dog

S/o whos a politician (male reader)

taking care of his S/o who got in a street fight

Asexual/Aromantic S/o

Catching him jerking off to a picture of you NS FW

Pranking him for April fools

Romantically inexperienced S/o

telling him I Love You

Going to the park with icecream as a date

S/o who gets horny when high NS FW

Sleepy S/o who can kick ass

Sadistic HC

S/o getting kidnapped in the middle of the night

Celebrating his angels birthday

S/o with spiderman like powers

S/o who got over a drug addiction not wanting to be around him

Celebrating Halloween

Werewolf Agapito

Naga Agapito Breeding kink NS FW

Drider Agapito Hunted down

Incubus Agapito feeding off of you and helping with your siblings NS FW

Werewolf S/o who looks just like a dog

S/o who has never experienced halloween

Platonic Yandere father

S/o FTM

Artist S/o

Male S/o wearing a Bunny Outfit NS FW

Caregiver S/o

Cockwarming HC NS FW

Soft Headcannons

Rejecting Agapito

S/o who flinches at sudden movements

Charming the reader

His controlling behavior

Extremely quiet S/o

Autistic Darling

S/o who overworks themselves

Arguing HC

Idol S/o

Darling with Top Energy

S/o refusing to date after losing their ex

Wholesome misunderstanding

Cop s/o trying to get him arrested

Darling likes to feel him up when shirtless

Teaching S/o Spanish curse words

Darling whos scared to fall asleep due to truama from their ex

Falling for a single mother

getting high with Agapito TW

Dependent S/o

Small soft and romantic things

S/o saying “i wish i could crawl under your skin”

S/o saying “i wish we were seahorses so i could give you my 1000 babies”

Brave S/o whos afraid of bugs

Detective S/o that can incriminate other rival gangs of Agapitos

BJ at the workplace NS FW

Panicking over S/o getting stabbed

Yandere Alphabet: A,B,D,F,H,L,M,T,Z

S/o who cant fall alseep without him

Finding his S/o injured after a fight

S/o who can see through his manipulation

Comforting Autistic S/o through a meltdown

Darling going through a breakdown due to school work

S/o whos upset cause all their friends seem to leave them

Darlings love language is bite

Licking a popsicle seductively NS FW

Male s/o whos been teasing him all day NS FW

Finding out crush is dating his brother

Agapitos first love trys to kill the two of you

S/o with financial anxiety

Darling who actually loves his yandere behavior

S/o whos a child of a Mafia Family

Kissing headcannons

S/o who is convinced they don't deserve to be well because of their parents abuse

Angel can escape through sleep walking unknowingly

Terrible cook s/o tries making him a meal

Psycho analyzing and calling him out for his behavior

Almost shooting his S/o

Assassin S/o who must complete a final mission to retire

Seeing Angels cutting scars for the first time TW

S/o w/ Histrionic personality disorder

Finding out S/o is pregnant with quintuplets

Preparation toward kidnapping S/o

Cannibal S/o

S/o whose unbelievably quiet  

Darling loving how their attacker said “Knife, to meet you” before stabbing them

Making pregnancy/family life ads pop up on his phone in attempt to convince him to start a family

Replicating Shojo Manga moments with S/o

Short angry male S/o whose only affectionate towards him

Flirting with Agapito the first time you meet him

Keeping notes on S/o pre-kidnapping

Finding unsent love letters from S/o

S/o suddenly showing they can speak spanish

S/o whos old fashioned when it comes to romance

Darling who is a professional dancer

S/o singing Lo Que Siento by CUCO

Reaction to His Workers being attracted to his S/o

Group of women talking bad about his S/o

Knife & Blood Kink NS FW TW

Sitting on his face NS FW

Favorite Position w/ Male S/o NS FW

Lactation & Body Worship NS FW

Kinks Headcannons NS FW

Riding Male S/o NS FW

Running into each other when planning on kidnapped each other

Circumstance/reason agapito would drop his job

Blind S/o making a clay sculpture of his face

Kidnapped S/o who doesnt fight just cries themselves to sleep

Caregiver S/o prt 2

Male S/o that willingly went to prison

S/o loving him but their wariness keeping them away

Letting S/o have a position at his job

Punishment for a escaped S/o

Platonic yandere HC

Neighbors hearing kidnapped s/o and calling the police on him

S/o asking weird questions cause your planning a birthday party for him

S/o loving his possessive nature prt 2

Shy angel works at a restaurant

His cuddle libido & what he wears to sleep

Angels friend is obsessed with them and doesnt like agapito

Sending a friend to reject him for you

Just kidnapped his darling HC

S/o that randomly disappears in the house

Finding out you write fanfics of him

Finding out angles been hiding a boyfriend from him

Helping S/o during a heat stroke

Finding out about his career and ghosting him

napping on him in sketchy situations

How would his ex’s describe him as a boyfriend

“I love you, and I know you love me too. Even if you refuse to admit it.”

“I’m sorry, I know it hurts.”

“You went out yesterday. Stay here, I’m still tired.”

How Agapito would pace your relationship together

His future goals with his S/o

“Alpha male” trying to steal his S/o

Agapito finding out his S/O is pregnant but they dont force him to listen

Angel coming out as Demipansexual

Letting his Angel tag along during work only for his workers to ask for their number

More sadistic agapito HC

Angel whos always stressed/drained from work

how he would edge his way into a college darling’s life

Irritated Agapito asking S/o where he stands in the relationship

Hunted down

Werewolf agapito prt 2

Werecat agapito

Watching Netflixs YOU w/ Agaptio

Ghost S/o

Vampire Agapito prt 2

Fluff HC of Agapito with: Cuddles, agressive affection, Kissing and being possessive/ protective

Haunted House w/ scaredy cat S/o

Finding out Angel has stayed up 24 hours

Celebrating the fall with his holiday-crazed angel

What costumes he would wear for halloween growing up

Scary movies

Real haunted house

Werewolf agapito during The Purge

Aiden-

HC

Soft HC

Asking him out first

Yandere S/o

Rich S/o being his Sugar mommy Slightly NS FW

S/o distancing themselves cause theyre worrying about their grades

Artist S/o

dealing with another yandere stalking his S/o

being oblivious to S/os flirts

Jealous Headcannons

S/o kidnapping him

NS FW HC

Scary movie

S/o with spiderman like powers

Adhd darling who fidgets 

perfect date

Speaking German to you

Cockwarming HC NS FW

Making soap art with S/o

Male S/o with amnesia 

Yandere Alphabet: B,E,Q

Javier vs Aiden

S/os friends taking advantage of them

Picnic Date

Catching him masturbating to your hoodie NS FW

Finding out S/o is a mermaid 

Wizard Headcannons

S/o who has the power to talk to animals

Influencer S/o who likes to crossdress 

Making him a handmade blanket

Male S/o whos more submissive than him

Intimidating S/o whos soft with him

Supporting Darling during a fashion show

Sex w/ Male S/o during special occasions NS FW

S/o who loves baseball

S/o who teases and flirts a lot

S/o w/ a overprotective mother

S/o caught him stalking them

S/o trying to break up with him

Dressing up in couples costumes 

Nia-

HC

Reacting to a stranger flirting with her S/o

Affectionate S/o

Nia VS Agaptio piece

Sensitive S/o

Chubby insecure S/o

Smut HC NS FW

S/o whos constantly stressed

S/o freaking out over a fight that broke out

5 languages of love HC

Autistic S/o

Autistic S/o prt 2

S/o is a farmer

Bi Girlfriend

S/o is the Adolfos sister

Tsundere S/o

Neck Kisses HC

Comforting S/o when theyre overstimulated

Werewolf

Hunted down

Haunted house

Succubus NS FW

S/o uses food as a love language

MTF trans S/o

Tsundere darling

Big tiddie goth s/o

Spa staff keeps flirting w/ her making you jealous

Yandere Alphabet: B,C,J,M

Comforting S/o back to sleep during a thunderstorm

Calling her Mommy NS FW

Getting revenge for S/o who was cat called

S/o who does what they want regardless of their safety

Comforting you through a breakup

S/o whos willing to throw down with others but is sweet and spoiling to her

Letting their obsession go

S/o is a fairy cosplayer

Dressing up in a bunny outfit for her darling

Nias hair routine 

Kinks Headcannons NS FW

FTM friend is upset cause they're constantly misgendered by family

S/o who self harms TW

Taking care of your cyberbullies

Playing with Nias hair when S/os bored

Would Nia ever want kids?

Hyperactive S/o

Gifting Nia a crown cause “running a bakery is like running a small kingdom”

S/O who's a chocolatier who makes stuff on par with the chocolate

Jamari Blackwood-

Character description

Werewolf

Halloween celebration

Hunted Down

Coming back from the dead

Scary movies

Haunted House

S/o trying to escape their werewolf mate

Werewolf jamari with a s/o who always gets lost

Succubus S/o

Werewolf Heat NS FW

Random HC

Werewolf HC

S/o whose hesitant to live with him due to taking care of their sibling 

S/o whose flustered by his voice

Gentle affectionate S/o

S/o collapsing due to the pressure put on them from their parents

Scared S/o whose constantly trying to escape

Friendly S/o who cant bring themselves to completely abandon their ex

Happy energetic S/os fun behavior suddenly stopping

Pastry Baker S/o

NS FW bits of HC

Trans FTM S/o

Taking care of Sick Male s/o

Pregnant S/o

Jerking it to a picture of you NS FW

Abused S/o whos afraid to get into another relationship

Darlings clingy and dependent 

S/o has a thing for his piercings 

Darling who bites as a love language

S/o who feels safe in his arms

Darling who likes to knit

Waking up to find S/o missing from bed

Finding Darling dry humping his pillow NS FW

Getting hard while cuddling NS FW

Waking up to find S/o having a break down on the floor

Goth darling

Distant S/o cuddles up to him in the middle of the night

Wearing his clothes

Playing with his hair

S/o feels second place to his ex

Cubby and innocent S/o

S/o who has never been in a relationship yet and is nervous

Cubby S/o

Yandere Alphabet: D,E,F

Arriving unbelievably late for Valentines date

Soft Spoken and shy S/o

Yandere Alphabet: H,I,U,W,Y

Deaf Darling

Waking up to find his S/o making a surprise breakfast

S/o who constantly goes to the hospital cause of a chronic illness

Darling with a Eating Disorder TW

S/o who has only fans/sells panties NS FW

Male S/o teasing him NS FW

Chubby S/o getting bullied but hesitant to tell

Darling who has a hard time expressing feelings

Finding a girl with amnesia in a alleyway

Celebrating your birthday 

S/o coming home drunk not recognizing who he is

How Jamaris low empathy manifests 

Falling asleep on his lap during a movie

S/os his yandere admirer 

Baby whose clingy

Narcoleptic S/o

Putting up a fight even after being kidnapped

S/o who talks, moves and walks in their sleep

S/o w/ a little sister trying to break up with him

Baby who reacts physically to intense emotions

Psychoanalyzing him

Yandere S/o not wanting a actual relationship, just wanting to admire from a distance

Childhood Headcannons

Finding Yandere S/os secret room full of photos of him

Breaking up due to figuring out theyre Aro/Ace

S/os the child of a mafia family

Kidnapped S/o breaking down, thankful that they dont have to stress anymore

Pressured into breaking up w/ Jamari

S/o w/ Temporary leg paralysis

Baby who becomes mute when stressed/scared

Yandere S/o kidnapping Jamari

Big male influencer S/o

Amputee S/o who hates their prosthetic arm

Find out Crush is being domestically abused

Baby loving how their attacker said “Knife, to meet you” before stabbing them

Blind S/o who doesnt want to be in a relationship and stay independent

S/o who died has a twin that looks just like them

S/o w/ PTSD

S/o w/ OCD

Walking in on S/o torturing someone TW

S/o who cant feel pain

Calling him “cuddle monster”

Possessive Headcannons

S/o w/ restless leg syndrome 

Helping darling sell their BL manga

Possessive S/o whos also been cheated on before

Being introduced to his family

Kidnapped S/o crying themselves to sleep every night

NS FW hc

Car Sex NS FW

S/o sleeps on a giant teddy bear instead of a mattress

Darling liking to feel up his chest

S/o whose great at escape rooms

Darling whos not used to affection

How Jamari got his Scar TW

S/o whos allergic to the cold

Kidnapped S/o thinking hes going to kill them

Dead S/o coming back as a ghost 

S/o flinches due to their childhood 

Finding Yandere Male S/o covered in blood

S/o w/ Rejection sensitive dysphoria 

Traits Jamaris ex had that would set off his paranoia

S/o whos constantly stressed and control freak

Breaking his jaw in a escape attempt

Queer Platonic relationship with aromantic S/o

Autistic S/o worried to talk about their special interest 

S/o that squeezes his chest anytime they can

Begging for him to let you go

S/o got the flu

Fluff HC

S/o Calling jamari to save them from a horrible road trip w/ their mom

Kidnapped S/o attacking him whenever he gets close

What would make Jamaris mom disapprove of you

Clinging to Jamari, refusing to let go after hes been out on a job for awhile

Gamer S/o

Caregiver S/o

Comforting Baby whos having night terrors

Insomniac s/o

His family finding out about his captive s/o

Rejecting him out of fear of being apart of a pattern or being left for someone else

S/o has a coughing tic

Dealing with another flirting with him

Walking in to see s/o holding a knife to their throat TW

Kidnapping S/o whos on their period

Kidnapped s/o starts to dissociate a lot

Kidnapped S/o injuring him everytime he gets close

Jealousy HC

Daughter loves being w/ him

S/o whose a major sweet tooth with a bunch of filled cavities

Kidnapped S/o passing out due to fear the moment they woke up

Getting Jamaris mother to like you

Platonic HC

S/o saying “lol if you ever ask me again i’ll make sure you won’t be able to, tree trunk” when he asks them why their being so cuddly

Decora Kei/Kidcore S/O

Kidnapped S/o almost stabbing him in the chest

Jamari gets kissed by some random person and the S/O sees

S/o needs a video playing in the background to sleep

“I’m sorry, I know it hurts.”

“Sweetheart…what are you doing?”

“Shh, don’t cry. You’re safe with me.”

Touch starved S/o who constantly needs cuddles

How Jamari would pace your relationship together

S/o who has a ton of stuffed animals covering their bed

S/o whos basically the "what's this?" "affection" "disgusting- do it again" meme

Masochistic S/o

QPR with a aromantic S/o who wants to be roommates

Random HC about sweet boi jamari

How he would woo a closed off S/o whos like him

How jamari would react to the silent treatment

Baby whos terrified of storms

Talking his baby to sleep

Taking advantage of The Purge to get his baby

Haunted house

Weredog S/o

S/o got bit by a zombie

Zombie Jamari

Vampire Jamari

Dressing up in couples costumes 

Werewolf Jamari during The Purge

[daggerzine]

Chubby & the Gang- SPEED KILLS (STATIC SHOCK RECORDS)

I had no idea who the hell this band was a little over a week ago but now, 7 days or so later I’m reviewing (and loving) the record by this grubby UK bunch. The music is a furnace blast and a rush from beginning to end as they touch on several different genres including Oi!, pub rock, hardcore and even some surf and doo wop (believe it). I guess the band formed from the ashes of a few of UK punk outfits who I hadn’t heard before  (Violent Reaction, Gutter Knife, etc.) and this record,  just released last month, seems to have taken on a life of its own via word of mouth (the best way). Led by charismatic shouter Charles Manning-Walker (aka Chubby) and a band of fierce patriots, they chug from one tune to another and a few of the highlights include opening cut “Chubby and the Gang Rule, OK?” plus the fiery “Pariah Radio” and don’t miss “Trouble (you were always on my mind).” Elsewhere the Dick-Dale-on-ludes of “Moscow” and the Billy Childish grunt of “Bruce Grove Bullies” (with its cool, old Hammond organ) are tow more corkers. As for comparisons, aside from the usual UK suspects (Cock Sparrer, Cockney Rejects, etc.) I also hear bits of US bands (Marked Men, etc) and even Canada’s own Fucked Up (whose Jonah Falco produced this) so in other words, a total blast of melting pot punk. If it’s still available then by all means get it!    https://staticshockrecords.bandcamp.com/

[tellywoodtrash]

ishqbaaz 05.09.17 lb

lololol shivaay turning the paper this way and that trying to read it (it’s in marathi, lol) 😂😂😂

hein? this house has a staircase also???? leading where???? 🤔🤔🤔

shivaaaay + chaaaaaaaai = this should be interesting. 😐😐😐

oh boy she wants him to drink it from the saucer. (always seemed weird to me.) 😕😕😕

lmaoooo “no, that doesn’t sound right.” 😂😂😂

props to him for actually trying this. 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

“IT’S GOOD!”  “MERE mooh mein paani aa gaya tha!” 

lmao my tharki mind is interpreting this whole conversation in a verrrrrrrry different way! 😏😏😏

lmaoooooooooooo baalti wali bath! ab aayega mazaaaaaa. the true middle class experience! never am i more humbled than when i have to do a baalti bath back in india. 😌😌😌

please to be watching this video by my fav, kenny sebastian, and him describing the process super accurately. my place in kerala is in the city and the bathroom is in the house and all (ooooh! so fancy!), but this is pretty much how it goes. i can smell the medimix just watching this video! 🙃🙃🙃

you were so pleased with the “rain water harvesting” yesterday billu. time to walk the talk! 😊😊😊

LOL HE TOOK HER SERIOUSLY. 😂😂😂

pft, “humare paas sabun bhi hai????” idiottttt 🙄🙄🙄

LMAO HE TOOK HER SERIOUSLY ABOUT THE DATUN TOO. MAN, RICH PEOPLE ARE SO FUN TO FUCK WITH. 🤣🤣🤣

“main jaa raha hoon nahaane ke liye. tum chalogi mere saath?”

lmao why, billu? do you want a witness for your embarrassment? trust me, you’re not gonna feel even remotely sexy while doing a middle class baalti bath. 

gauri is worried about becoming vidhwaa 6 months into her marriage. 😬😬😬

LMAOOOOO AAPKO US SAAND KE SAATH BAITHKE CHITHRA NAHI BANANE HAI 😂😂😂

OH MY GOD OMKARA, YOU ARE TRULY AN IDIOT. DANGAL MOVIE DEKHNE SE KOI PEHELWAN NAHI HO JAATA. MATLAB,  I’VE WATCHED LEGALLY BLONDE 300 TIMES, MAIN LAWYER THODI HO GAYI HOON. 😒😒😒

same, gauri. #same. 

oufff shivaay ke sarrr se nkk ka bhoot utarkar iske sarrr chadh gaya hai. 😑😑😑

hahahaha herrrrr imitation. her faaaace. i love her so much. 😂😂😂

OMG WTF EVEN ARE THESE KURTAS SHIVAAY IS WEARING THEY LOOK FUCKING RIDICULOUS, WHY ISN’T HE JUST WEARING HIS REGULAR KURTAS THAT HE WEARS AT HOME?!!?!? CURSE YOU SHIRALI CURSE YOU TO HELL, JUST LET THE MAN LIVE 😫😫😫

oh boyyyy chawl udaana hai 😬😬😬

10 to 1 the maalik is…

…. YUP. 😒😒😒

the fuck shivaay, do you even pay attention to half the orders you give? 😐😐😐 how many bldgs have you felled like this without even knowing?

ok the rule was to not use your name and identity for undue advantages. not for situations like these! 😩😩😩

OH MY GOD HE’S ACTUALLY YOUTUBING HOW TO DO KUSHTI. 😧😧😧

son, if that worked, all the fitness videos i watch and subscribe to would have me sporting 6 pack abs and zero jiggle. 😣😣😣

lmao ek din mein 5 kele khaa ke kya hona hai????? 😶😶😶

chor naukar has an unsolicited opinion. 🙄🙄🙄

lmao their reaction! omki’s “get a load of this guy!” head nod. baat aane par dono ek team ho gaye. abhi chor ki jamkar dhulaai hogi. 😂😂😂

hey chawl-blower-upper-dude, why are you such an asshole? just chill maybe? 😒😒😒

gotta love these oBahus and how they’re all ready to throw down the second someone is mean to their patis.  (ง •̀_•́)ง (ง •̀_•́)ง (ง •̀_•́)ง 

GOD SHIVAAY YOU’RE AN IDIOT. JUST MAKE A CALL AND GET YOUR OFFICE TO STOP THE PLAN. HONESTLY. 😒😒😒

“IS CHAWL MEIN REHNE WAALA EK AAM AADMI.” 

WHOSE HAIR KE HIGHLIGHTS COST MORE THAN THE MONTHLY BUDGET OF PPL IN THIS CHAWL. 🙄🙄🙄

…. is he sitting ON the dynamite? 😟😟😟

lmao only the rich think that “the right to peacefully protest” achieves ANYTHING in india. bitch, the aam aadmi has no TIME to protest, peacefully or otherwise. humein ghar bhi chalaane hote hai. 🙄🙄🙄

i feel bad for the explosion guy. he’s also an aam aadmi, trying to do his damn job. kahaan is majnu se paala pad gaya aaj. 😑😑😑

…. and you’re only doing this for anika and sahil? they have alternate housing and are sorted in life now. WHAT ABOUT ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE LIVING IN THE CHAWL WHO DON’T? AM I SUPPOSED TO AWWWWW OVER THIS BS? 😤😤😤

anika’s like OMG!SEXXXXXXXXX TAKE ME NOW HUBBY hearing that sentimental pap though. oh well. whatever works for her. 😕😕😕

lmaooooo her mooophat jawab and his honest laugh at her bindaass-ness. 😊😊😊

the couple that does dharna together, stays together, i guess? 🤔🤔🤔

ok i can’t stop laughing at omki’s hella lame kushti moves. that too, with this untrained idiot who’s not even that heavily built. such false complacency. 😐😐😐

omki going in with some classic WWE moves. 😊😊😊

gauri’s excitement is hella cute though. 😍😍😍

“abbe kahan jaa raha hai bhaag ke? practice kiske saath karoonga abhi?” 

pffffffffffft. 

wifey be like I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE. 🙋🏽🙋🏽🙋🏽

girl, stop putting the sunglasses on every 3 minutes to look cool. woh bhi raat mein. it’s laaaaaaame. 🙄🙄🙄

sure. ok. with all the hair open. you been hanging out with bhavya too much. 😑😑😑

omki be like, oh yeah baby, imma wrestle with you. imma wrestle with you gooooooooooood. imma lift you up and pin you down and then take my shirt off and… hmm? what? yes. wrestling. this is how it’s done. (in the dangal themed porno i came across on the dark side of the web during my “research”.) 😏😏😏😏

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE 😍😍😍😍

i like how the chulbul moments are there too. omki is canon confirmed bi/pan/demisexual, fiiiiiiiiiiight me. 😊😊😊

haaaaaaye my cuties. 💖💖💖

i like how it’s night in… lonavla or wherever the f rikara are, and early morning in mumbai where shivika are. because the two places are in DIFFERENT TIME ZONES 12 HOURS APART. 😐😐😐

balbirrrrrrrr should NOTTTTTTTTTT have done that. 😠😠😠

LMAO “AYE INKE HEIGHT PE MAT JAA!!!!!!!!”  “BOLNA ZAROORI THA YEH?” “YEH MOTA AAPKE HEIGHT KA MAZAAK UDAA RAHA HAI!” “haan, aur tum usse aur underline kar do!!!” 

my god what a family of fighty little munchkins this is today. 😊😊😊

oh, iska boss bhi idhar hi hai? 

LMAO IS THAT KHANNAAAAAAAAAA?????????? HAHAHAHAHAHA 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

lollllllllllllll khanna’s been using the SSO name to act like big mannnnn. 

“namaste khannaji!” “nahi, BOSS!” 

heeeee heeee heeeeeee 😂😂😂

ok that looks like the most uncomfortable way to sleep, gauri. 

has he been practicing all night????? great, he’s gonna go wrestle with NO training, and not having SLEPT either. idiot. 😒😒😒

oufffff gauri ask bhavya to send BACKUP instead of asking her for kushti tips, jfc. 😑😑😑

billu ka swaagat toh aise kiya jaa raha hai jaise jung se lauta ho. fucking ridiculous. 🙄🙄🙄

such cute. 💖💖💖💖💖💖

dadi gave you the fucking night off from her pehredaari to go at it like rabbits and you spent it talking about baltis and whatnot. this is what you call WASTE OF OPPORTUNITY. 😫😫😫😫

bhavya looking 10000% done with rudra is me. #freeMyGirl 😣😣😣

lo, billu ne bhavya ko bhi adopt kar liya. he’s like who needs stupidass brothers when i can have AWESOMEASS SISTERSSSSSSSS 😊😊😊

LMAOO RUDRA’S LOOK OF BETRAYAL 🤣🤣🤣🤣

don’t think i missed bhavya looking all choked up though. 😭😭😭

allllllllll the toe touches in the world aren’t gonna help ya, omki. 😐😐😐

dude, like yeh balram legit apne khanna ka bhai lagta hai. 😗😗😗

of course he’s not gonna listen. 🙄🙄🙄

aaaaaaaaaaaand there goes the lassi. and the omkara. 😕😕😕

OMG THAT SHOT OF HIS FACE BOUNCING OFF THE FLOOR HAHAHAHAHAHA 🤣🤣🤣🤣

HE’S FUCKING OUT. WITHOUT EVEN STEPPING INTO THE RING LOLOLOLOLOLOL. THIS IS FUCKING HILAAAAAAAAAAAARIOUS HAHAHAHAHAHAHA 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

LMAO HOW EVEN IS THE SHOW PLAYING THIS AS A SERIOUS MOMENT I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING OMG 😂😂😂😂

ouff. stupid mardaangi taunts. #masculinitySoFragile

ok fwding the nonsense till bulbul gets into the ring. 

aw. bhavyaaa. *hugs her* we love you, we do. which is why we want better for you than f’ing rudra. sumo toh khud hi jaan chudaaa kar chali gayi. ab tumhe kaise bachaaye is se. 🙁🙁🙁

anika’s crying too. and has dialogues about family ka hissa and all. all that is okay, but please god don’t make her chutki. 😬😬😬

rudra calling for cessation of this divisive team policy in order to get some bro bonding time. 😌😌😌

waaah, dadi maan bhi gayi. 😯😯😯

wait, shivaay and rudra have a GANG? these ppl have OTHER friends??? 😧😧😧

surprise element? um… idk why but my mind instantly went to bachelor party and strippers. 😬😬😬

gauri be like BITCH, DON’T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE AND EK JHAANP MEIN DEEWAR PE SATTAAO-FY YOU 😠😠😠😠

big talk from all the men. PFT. COMEEEEEEEEE ONNNNN GAURIIII. 

LMAO THE INTERCUTS TO SHOW OM STILL PASSED OUT COLD IS MAKING ME LOL SO HARD 😂😂😂

girl please, TIE YOUR DAMN HAIR UP. WHAT’S WRONG WITH ALL THE WOMEN IN THIS SHOW 😩😩😩

can balram stop with the stupid yelling and faces? coz does this woman look intimidated by it? uh. that would be a resounding NO. 🙄🙄🙄

ok fwding. coz honestly i fucking CAN’T. 

god just fucking kick him in the nutsssss and END THISSSSSS 😫😫😫

LMAO OMKI JUST WOKE UP AND IS LIKE WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK 😟😟😟😟😟

hold up, few seconds ka rewind. waaah, shivaay ki tarah ab isse bhi Awareness™ chadhta hai when wife is hurt/in danger. 

mubarak ho on your new superpowers, omkiiii! they’re gonna make your life an anxiety-ridden hell, since YOUR wife wants to fight every third person she meets. 🙃🙃🙃

hubs be like AW HELL NO, NO ONE MESSES WITH MY CHIRAIYYA; HERE HAVE A KICK TO THE GODDAMN CHEST 😤😤😤😡😡😡

arre waaaaah. out in like a minute. omki toh bada chupaa rustam nikla! boy, take off that shirt so we can see what you’re REALLLLLLYY working with, body wise. you know, FOR RESEARCH. 😗😗😗

what “uthhhhhh balram”??? whoever hits the ground back-first loses. and he’s lost. fuck off now sadde hue tauji. 😒😒😒

haaaaaaaaaaaye. my sweeeetooooos. 💗💗💗

actualllllllly cryingggggg at omkiiiiii freely confessing that he couldn’t bear to see her get hurttttttttt. 😭😭😭😭😭

“shankarji ki tarah gusse mein aapki teesri aankh khul gayi.” 😅😅😅

JUST KISS ALREADYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY 😩😩😩😩

yes ok uncleji, thanks for your completely unsolicited validation but we just want the murti, so give us that and we’ll be on our way, thanks. 😒😒😒

rikara be like pyaaaaaaar? whaaat? no! we’re just roomies! with a lot of sexual tension. 😯😯😯😯😯

lmaoooo chubby has some new cockamamie scheme. 😆😆😆

hahahaha “investment”. sure. maybe ask your cambridge mba waala bhaiyya how investments actually work?????? 🙄🙄🙄

[im-abanana]

Here’s the fic you requested me, @happyqueenandgrumpydork! 

I hope you’ll like it!

When Poppy simply told her best friend her little secret, the expression painted on Suki's face appeared absolutely priceless, unforgettable: a perfect mixture of surprise, happiness, disbelief, confusion, sentiment and joy. “Oh my... girl, ya're saying that... ya're pregnant!? Seriously!? This isn't a fuckin' prank, right!?” the dj covered her mouth and freckled cheeks with both hands, emotion and excitement in her purple eyes as she tightly hugged the always happy Queen. “I'm so, so glad for ya and Branch, sweetie! What a sly dog, that survivalist; he knocked ya up, uh?” the orange haired Troll winked naughtily, gently punching her bestie's left shoulder, of course playfully. “Did you tell Branch yet?”.

“So it seems, yes... it happened a week ago. And no, I haven't told him yet.” the pink haired girl sadly nodded, sipping a cup of warm tea and sighing out, fear and uncertainty shining in her magenta orbs as she spoke once again: “I just don't know what to do, or what to say anymore... In seven or six days I will give birth, and I'm so scared about it. I mean, what will the others think about me? What will my dad think about me? What will... Branch think about this, about us and the kid? Having sex and, most important, a baby before marriage goes against a couple of our traditions.” the female forced a laugh after a few moments, scratching her fluffy nape with her fingers and blushing slightly. “But after all, following the rules has never been my strong point, I guess.”.

Suki blinked a couple of times, not understanding all those useless worries: “Pops, are ya seriously concerned about the others' reaction? Trust me, your friends and your dad will go completely nuts when they'll found out about this, a baby is somethin' amazing, a beautiful new for the whole reign actually. And Branch? Come on, ya know him better than I do, he adores and loves ya with all his freakin' heart, of course he will be happy about this!” the musician, ended her wise speech, offered to the Queen a cinnamon bun, encouraging the royal Troll and promising to be by her side. “I will help ya when you'll decide to tell everyone. In my opinion, your pregnancy could be a whole new adventure for both of you guys, Branch wants to start a family with ya, girl.”.

“And how can you tell?” Poppy lifted her aching head after a short pause of silence, that tiny and resigned smile still there, apparently impossible to remove despite Suki's reassuring words. “How can you know that for sure, Suki? Of course, Branch is my boyfriend and I should blindly trust him... ok, I really do trust him, but at the same time I have my doubts about this particular situation. I just don't know how he and the others will react! What if he doesn't want another family and decides to just... go away, leaving me behind?”.

“Leavin' ya behind? Are ya kiddin', right?” Suki loudly slapped her forehead, sticking out her tongue and rolling her orbs, a little bit exasperated, trying to talk some sense into her beloved, childhood friend: “I can bet on it because ya already are his new family, Poppy. With you, Branch found serenity, will to live and deep love, all over again.” the reddish musician crossed her chubby legs, leaning against the back of her yellow couch lazily. “That stubborn survivalist won't let ya go or have second thoughts about the beautiful relationship ya two share... well, mostly because I would fuckin' kill him and then punch his lifeless, fat cadaver if he just tried to abandon ya... The others and Peppy will surely support your life decisions, like I'm doin' right now. But we must tell this to the gang as soon as possible, ya don't have a lot of time, besides their trust depends on it. Six or seven days before the birth, ya said?”.

“Ahaha yeah, pretty sure that's exactly what I said, within a week. You won, you won, I'll do it!” the Queen merrily laughed in front of her protective best friend, finally convinced and a little bit reassured. “You are completely right about this Suki, I should tell everyone as soon as possible. This night I will organize a little party here at 7:00 p.m., with an excuse of course, and then inform the Snack Pack, my dad and Branch. I hope it will turn out ok.”.

“Now ya're talkin', girl! It's settled!” the dj gave Poppy an high-five, immediately jumping up and stirring her tense back and limbs. “Com'on, we have a lot to organize and plan, no time to waste! I'll warn the Snack Pack now, ya warn Peppy and your paranoid man, alright?”.

The pink haired Troll nodded and stood up as well, one of her hands gently caressing her own belly in a weird, unconscious gesture that was starting to become pretty common since... the very beginning of her pregnancy. “Alright. See you all tonight at 7:00 p.m., right in front of my pod.” Poppy replied with a playful grin, walking towards the doorway and saying goodbye to her best friend. “I hope it will be ok. I really hope they will be happy about it...” the colorful Queen repeated in her mind, almost like a mantra, a small part of her still rightly scared and unsure. “Oh, and Suki... thanks for your advices.”.

“No problem, girl. I'm always here for ya, don't ya ever forget that.” Suki gently replied, winking and walking Poppy to the front door. “Don't worry too much and take care of yourself, remember that there's a little one inside that belly.”

That night was incredibly beautiful, magical and especially calm: the moon was standing high and proud in the clear sky, and all the bright stars were clearly visible, not even a single cloud could hide their majestic and reassuring light. And along with the darkness and a big group of familiar, loud guests, even Poppy's long awaited moment had inexorably arrived, after all. “Ehy, people! Glad you could make it! Don't just stand there, come on, come in!” the Queen quickly gestured, opening her door and making way for her jumping friends, old dad and perfectly composed boyfriend, that was looking at the Snack Pack with a pretty pissed and irritated look. Savage beasts...

“Poppy, how are you today?” Branch sweetly greeted the pink haired female, kissing her right cheek and staring at her with a pretty confused look. “While we were waiting, Suki said that you've got something very important to tell us all. What is it?” he asked then, tilting his chubby head to the left side in a strangely stupid but yet adorable way, according to the pink, royal Troll.

“Yeah, I actually do have something to say. Umh, very well... everybody, take a seat and listen up!” Poppy cleared her throat and shrugged, waiting for the others to get comfortable and ready for the big announcement. With the corner of her magenta eyes, the nervous Queen spotted Suki smiling at her, trying to encourage her bestie. “Alright, emh... you all know that Branch and I have been a couple since a pretty long time now. Well, more or less.” the chuckling female started her speech, grinning at her life partner and keeping up: “Either way, it feels like an eternity, a beautiful, amazing eternity. I'm sincerely having the best time of my life with you all, friends and dad, and with you Branch, by my side. But now, very soon, we're gonna be blessed with a new, tiny arrival in our lives, pretty much because...”; that was it, that was the moment or truth. Poppy took a deep, deep breath and relaxed her throbbing mind for a brief second, suddenly pronouncing those exciting but also scary words: “I'm pregnant.”.

The reactions Poppy got were pretty various, she had to admit. Her beloved father, after a moment of pure shock and surprise, rapidly got up and immediately hugged his daughter to his chest, tightly, to express his joy and congratulating non-stop. “This is a wonderful new, my dearest Poppy! I'm so glad for you and Branch! Everyone, I'm gonna be a grandpa! But when?”.

The twins, Biggie, Smidge, Fuzzbert and Cooper pretty much gasped with big smiles (well... Fuzzbert kinda smiled on the inside), joining their ex-King in the hug and talking without stopping for entire minutes. “Oh my god Poppy, you are seriously pregnant!? We must start to design new clothes for the baby as soon as possible, we'll start tonight! We'll make tiny socks, tiny hats, tiny pajamas, tiny scarfs, tiny gloves... but wait, will it be male or female? That's a problem, what color should we use!?”.

“That's absolutely amazing to hear! But...” Guy Diamond, despite his natural happiness, in that moment had a pretty lost and dumb look painted on his glittery visage as he tapped Suki's shoulder and whispered her a question in the ear.  “Suki, how did they make a baby?”. Needless to say, the musician replied with an eye roll, a firm slap across his face and a cold comment: “Dumb fuck.”.

And what about Branch? Well, his reaction was the cutest, but even the strangest in the whole group's opinions. In fact, after hearing that Poppy was pregnant, that she was carrying their unborn child, the small life they both created with love and passion... silent tears of emotion started to flow from his touched, wrinkled light blue eyes as he sank his face in his bigger and callous hands, crying. “P-Poppy... I... you... we...” the ex-survivalist managed to call her name between his sobbing, approaching his girlfriend and hugging her as well, nuzzling the Princess' neck and wrapping his purple hair around her magenta one, in a very protective gesture.

Understanding the situation and the couple's actual needs, the Snack Pack and Peppy slowly exited the room, leaving the two alone to talk in private.

Still weeping against her comforting shoulders and shaking in her familiar arms, Branch bit his lower lip and expressed his biggest fear, confiding completely with his love: “W-what if I mess up, Poppy? M-my parents weren't around while I was growing up, I... I don't know how to be a d-dad, I don't want to ruin our kid's life...” the bluish Troll sadly admitted, feeling like a total failure and leaning against Poppy, hurt and defeated in body and spirit.

“Mess up? Ruin a life? Branch, don't you ever think about this.” the pink, royal Troll caressed his wet cheeks and held his visage, trying to make eye contact with the ex-survivalist. “Branch please, look at me. You won't ruin its life, you won't mess up, I can bet on it. You are the most responsible, kind-hearted, brave, smart and gentle Troll I've ever met. If this child, if our child is just a fraction of who you are... it will be an upright and dignified sovereign, trusted and loved by everyone. Branch, you always trusted your instinct, do that this time as well. You would never ruin a life, 'cause you were capable of making my own life way better.” Poppy tenderly cooed, kissing his dry lips gently and sloppily, adding a few other words after they parted. “Are you... happy about this baby, honestly? Do you want to start a family with me?”.

“H-happy? Why are you even asking, my love? Of course I am, I do want to start a family with you, Pops!” Branch nodded with great decision, holding his beloved Queen closer and still not totally able to prevent some of his warm tears from streaming down, too excited about it. “D-do you really think I'm fit to be a dad? Despite my still grumpy personality and moody behaviour?”.

“I'm completely sure, dork.” the always positive Queen kissed his big nose, pressing their foreheads together and sighing when she felt the ex-survivalist's hands caressing her smaller body. “One week and it will come, you know.”.

“I will be ready, Pops.” the bluish male simply replied, suddenly knealing down and pressing one of his pointy ears against her tiny belly, as if he wanted to communicate with their unborn child. “I promise I'll be more than ready to meet this little guy or girl that day.”.

And he kept his promise.

One week later, Branch and Poppy were silently lying on a comfortable hospital bed, their colorful and teary (Branch's, to be specific) eyes staring at a tiny, little baby girl wrapped in a scented and delicate towel that the Queen was lovingly holding against her body. The little girl had pinkish skin and magenta hair, almost like her mother's but a just little darker, but a few locks of hair (the top part of it, especially) were purple, just like Branch's color. When the kid opened her eyes, the royal couple immediately noticed that her right one was light blue, and her left one was magenta. Heterochromia? “She is beautiful.” the ex-survivalist silently said, sniffing just slightly and then cuddling both his girlfriend and daugther, proudly watching the newborn play with one of his chubby fingers. “How do we name her? Any idea?”.

Well, that was a good question indeed. But the answer kinda came out from the inside after just a few seconds, leading Poppy to think about all her previous fears, insecurities and, especially, hopes for her future, for their future.

“Hope.”.

[ethelbertpaul444-blog]

Sean Penn Wrote The Worst Novel In Human History, I Read It

Sean Penn recently released Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff . i> It is, ostensibly, a tale. Sarah Silverman compared Penn to Mark Twain and E.E. Cummings . A Kirkus reviewer likened him to Kurt Vonnegut and David Foster Wallace. Salman Rushdie testified it a notebook that Thomas Pynchon and Hunter S. Thompson would adore, possibly because he longs for the good old days when people wanted him dead. It’s telling that all these figures of likenes are incapable of contradicting because they’re either famously reclusive or dead. Having recently read Bob Honey , i> I am confident in affirming it the literary equivalent of renal failure. Amazon div > To help you prepare yourselves, here are just a few of Penn’s countless wrongdoings against the English usage( he truly likes alliteration ): Evading the viscount fad of Viagratic assaults on virtual vaginas . i> Criminal dab and according personality crusts, bound together by dough . i> This goat-backed lioness began to howl like a bruxism bedevilled banshee . i> 1 The( Barely Existent) Plot Is Complete Nonsense Perhaps the only situation you need to know about Penn’s book is that the summary firstly period, about three elderly people coming murdered in their retirement home, is called “Seeking Homeostasis in Inherent Hypocrisy.” Penn writes like he’s inspected up every single oath in his thesaurus except “dictionary.” He exploits pointless expressions, then renders 70 footnotes to explain the definition of the unnecessary calls, because he assumes that his books aren’t at his stage of intellect. In a direction, he isn’t wrong. Here’s a ordinary sentence, in such a case describing a woman: Effervescence lived in her every cellular expression, and she had spizzerinctum to spare . i> Penn is of the view that if less is more, then more must be incredible. He writes romances like they’re a high school essay he’s hopeles to pad. Read Next Make Sure Your Private Data Stays That Way With A VPN So, about those murdered old-time parties. We’re introduced to Bob Honey, a successful but disaffected middle-aged white man who is brave enough to be suspicious on certain aspects of modern American life. Bob cultivated in waste management, and while selling his assistances in Iraq during the course of its American residence, he became convinced to kill elderly Americans for the government because … well, there’s no actual rationalization, because Penn has taken the artistic approaching of not making his hero any personality or idiosyncrasies. Penn then boldly parodys the Iraq War by pointing out that it was sometimes murderous, and sacred shit you guys, some people may have profited from that acts of violence. It’s an interesting see if these are the first words you’ve spoke since 2003. div > Now, you might be thinking, “OK, that doesn’t sound very profound, but it’s still reasonable to essay the Iraq War, right? ” To which I’d respond that Penn refers to the Pentagon as “the five-sided puzzle palace, ” then specifies a footnote that clarifies he represents “the Pentagon.” From there, we learn that the American administration looks threatened by age-old people who don’t buy fairly branded commodities. The only real plot pitch is that the NSA, a covert section of the EPA, and a assortment of conservative groundworks are working together on these old-fashioned people assassinations because the removal of the flatulence they contribute to the environment permits businesses to pollute more. Way to tackle America’s questions manager on, Sean Penn. After agreeing to help the government kill old-fashioned beings for no good reason, Bob’s drifts of America and the world eventually cause him to reach the marvelous realization that killing people is bad and that, holy shit, America might be bad more . i> So Bob tries and fails to kill a Trump stand-in while extricating his 20 -something girlfriend who has all the character development of a calculator with “BOOBS” written on it. And that’s it. Penn wrote a series of incoherent indignant tweets about America, then pulled them out to novel segment with shit like this TAGEND div > Behind decorative gabion walls, an elderly neighbor sits centurion on his porch watching Bob with unauthorized soupcon. Bob checks this. Detects fucked by his own face . i> 2 Sean Penn Never Learned What Satire Is The idea that the government is killing age-old parties doesn’t have a quality; it’s only there, because it’s something bad parties would do and grr, the government is bad. The whole bible is full-of-the-moon of that kind of vapid pseudo-criticism. Sean Penn is a man who looked at the world and its many issues in all of their breathtaking intricacy and reached judgments like maybe the media … might be influencing what we think about ! Have you considered that marketing might be … trying to manipulate you ? What if legislators … sometimes lie ? And engineering … could it have … downsides ? It’s baby’s first hot take, written at the tender age of 57. Here, for example, is what Penn has to say about millennials TAGEND div > Adderall and advertisers’ chickens had come home to roost. Bob find from feline millennials the disseminations of Instagrams blitzingly blazing from all directions … No one “ve spoken to” anyone, and when they did, it was more about those anthropomorphic arrows than it was the natural air of organically human pas … An age group so lost to letters and steeped in transactional copulation, it seemed of them that they recognise scarcely between an active orgasm and an acted one . i> Wow, sick smolder. Penn careens from “selfies are dumb” to two clauses on gun control to a brief aside on why hunting is good to long stretches during which good-for-nothing happens and no quality is met. It’s as if Penn thought that hurled verse is the fruit of getting one’s penis hurled in a car door. He likens people who buy substance( nothing in particular, exactly substance) to sheep, and then, in case you somehow weren’t going it, certifies: “BAHHH-BAHHH-BILDERBERG.” What do you have to say about sell, Sean? “Branding is being! Labelling is being! The algorithm of modern binary existentialism.” He even talks about ice cream trucks like he can’t get through a single conversation without boasting about his IQ: “The music of an ice cream truck sells sweetness, but its wares are cold and fattening.” But it’s Trump and his voters where Penn is at his least elegant TAGEND div > Between the id and the superego, the sheep had traded a love of their own children for the chance to cry, “Look at me! I’m a pisser on a tree! ” Ouch exits the human mind. Out reaches the orator’s brain-fart, this Jesus of Jonestown, this blind subject to Newtown, spews bile aplenty, to bitch us all down . i> So numerous statements haven’t been used to say so little since Ayn Rand was labor. The greatest insight Penn can muster up is calling Trump “Mein Drumpf” and “Mr. Landlord, ” before swearing “Sir, I request you to struggle. Tweet me, bitch. I dare you.” My cat has stepped on my keyboard and inadvertently referred tweets that are more politically insightful. And it gets worse, because … 3 Sean Penn Thinks It’s Deep To Use Racial Slurs Bob Honey isn’t some splendid subversion of republican Americans. It’s a jog polemical for how Penn watches America, mixed with the incisive equivalent of chewing a child because you think that Swift guy was onto something. So it’s not super huge that the only Mexican references are drug dealer who love tacos and tequila. Or that Penn uses the term “Jew-speak.” Or that the main gang of Iraq War profiteers and senior murderers are cannibalistic Papua New Guineans who wear grass hems and use jolt guns. div > Nothing answers profound commentary of modern America like “What if a knot of stereotypical immigrants are the cause of our problems? And then that’s it, there’s no insightful turn? ” The Guinean leader speaks events like “Caught me a client of kuru! I crackin’ a grizz, my bruva, ” because Sean Penn is systematically working to convince us that proficiency was a mistake. There’s a thin line between satirizing racial issues and only being racist, and Penn took a giant dump on that argument when he wrote the following in the middle of his closing anti-Trump manifesto. I rationalize in advance to like eight different groups of beings for exposing you to this TAGEND “You trying to kill me because I don’t actually believe we’re the ‘best’ country in the world? … You want to kill me, you boogeymen and women, you worshippers of tits, ass, and beefcake, you snivelling, vomitus, kike-, nigger-, towelhead-, and wetback-hating, faggot-fearing colostomy bags of humanity? ” Hey Sean, it’s actually possible to critique Trump and ethnic issues without descent innuendoes like you got a bulk slew on them at Costco. And somehow, that’s not even the worst part. 4 Shockingly, Sean Penn Might Have Some Publishes With Women Penn has a long autobiography of alleged domestic ill-treatment ,~ ATAGEND and while I’m not said today he has issues with women, he seems to be saying that himself. Bob’s ex-wife is described as a “chubby fuckin’ redhead whose supernatural still whorishly specters his bed.” In including references to a pitch-black woman Bob had a crush on, Penn writes: “He thought of her elegance and the enticement of her shaved and shapely cinnamon puts standing at the trailer’s screen door.” Oh, and here’s what he has to say about women with the valour to destroy America by expending makeup: “Had she sold the mythology of her quietnes for cosmetic self-awareness? Going older in America is tough on a woman; discovering what she’ll do to avoid it is tough on a man.” Then there’s Bob’s girlfriend, Annie, whose attributes include being great at making cock from Bob and actually liking Bob. She has no personality , no passions , no rulings. What we do know is that “She may have even been too young. But Bob never riled himself to those used distinctions.” And when Annie writes Bob a tone, she signs it: “My love and vagina( on your squad ). “ div > Other female courages include a bad young baby, a volunteer who gets suck on the number of jobs, a waitress who is described as an “undernourished nymphomaniac, ” and a “lesbo-leaning lunatic” who nearly shits herself. There’s also an “awful chimera” who does shit herself while precipitating overboard and get gobbled by “fifty frenzied sharks( adios, amiga ), ” in one of several instances of Penn exploiting cases of violence against women for the purpose of humor. I study I’ve detected Penn’s fetish, and it’s wives getting hurt and shitting themselves. If you aren’t previously turned off, allow me to perpetually devastate gender for you with Penn at his most erotic TAGEND What a magical vagina, Bob foresaw, after inquiring it for hours . i> “Good vagina. Maybe more Vietnam.” ( Greenback: “Vietnam” is what Penn calls pubic hair .) Tedious trickling of cold cunt soup . i> Now here’s a merriment excerpt from the, ugh , five-and-a-half-page rhyme that culminates the novel TAGEND Where did all the chuckles go ? i> Are you out there, Louis C.K .? i> Once critical conversations Kept us on our toes ; i> Was it actually in our interest div > To stomp Charlie Rose ? i> And what’s with this ‘Me Too’ ? i> This infantizing period of the day … i> Is this a toddler’s crusade ? i> Reducing crime, slut-shaming, and suffrage to reckless child’s comedy ? i> A pulpit for accusation immunity ? i> Due process has lost its sheen ? i> Again, there’s no irony here. Other parts of the poem are serious complaints about issues like mass shootings. Penn just got to the end of a story that he clearly made less time to write than most people devote crafting SpongeBob memes, and expended a half-second deliberation, “Hey, what if it was actually bad that a 76 -year-old millionaire was shot for frequently molesting dames? ” And then he zooms on, like a philosophical collision and feed. He wants to offer half-assed commentary on everything he’s ever glimpsed in the news. And that, I feel, is because … 5 Sean Penn Desperately Wants To Sound Smart The New York Times called Penn’s book “a problem wrapped in an mystery and cloaked in crazy.” I have a simpler explanation: It sucks. “Riddle” implies that there’s something smart to be collected from it. There isn’t. It’s public masturbation. Penn quotes and comments Herodotus, Norman Mailer, Inmar Berman, Jack Kerouac, Phil Ochs, Albert Camus, and more, because like your most ruffling Facebook acquaintances, he thinks that knowing their lists of smart beings stimulates him smart by proxy. div > This garbage has been declared to have “almost immeasurable charm” seemingly alone because it entitles Donald Trump fat. The particularly reality that it was published at all is the eventual lesson of pointing on a arc. Sean Penn is a celebrity, so of course we have to put out his inanity. Penn took the adventurous political stance that ha ha, Trump has a small penis, so of course it’s provocative. Even some of the many people who thumped it was better called it happens like “brave” or a misfired account. It’s not, and it isn’t. That Penn recognizes this record as some kind of daring statement against branding is the high levels of hypocrisy and arrogance. This work is on shelves merely because Sean Penn is a “brand.” I realise the absurdity now, that I’m contributing to the attention that Penn is getting. But this isn’t really a commentary; it’s a notice. Don’t buy this volume because Sarah Silverman called it a “masterpiece.” Don’t buy this notebook out of melancholy curiosity. Taunting documents sent by serial gunmen have contributed more to American culture than this book ever will, and the only beneficial thought we can do is ignore it like it’s an attention-seeking babe. If I still haven’t persuaded you, here’s what Sean Penn has to say after a scene in which a helicopter crushes a woman TAGEND “As for Helen Mayo, they did Sikh and find abides. Get it? Sikh! Get it ??? ” I know you’ll do the right thing. Mark is on Twitter, and has a book with a better rating than Penn’s . Guess we’d be remiss not to relate “youve got to” where you could purchase the book, so here it is if “youve been” demand it . b > i> Support Cracked’s journalism with a tour to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you . b > i> For more comical personality literature, check out I Read Steven Seagal’s Insane Novel So You Don’t Have To and 6 Ugly Things You Hear About Donald Trump Reading His Books . b > i> You certainly should be following us on Facebook . b > i> Read more: http :// www.cracked.com/ blog/ sean-penn-wrote-worst-novel-in-human-history-i-read-it / http://dailybuzznetwork.com/index.php/2018/06/08/sean-penn-wrote-the-worst-novel-in-human-history-i-read-it/