#chronic lack of sleep didnt help

[vancilart]

can you hear it too? if you listen close now

[coloursofaparadox]

im still not over the sleep thing one sec i gotta rant about this shit

[fictionkinfessions]

long sigh

I miss Collei.

I miss when she'd wake me up because she was having nightmares and she thought I'd help. Holding her so tight because its all I could do to protect her from her own mind and past. She'd always sleep peacefully afterwards.

Though admitedly I'd get so hyperfocussed on protecting her that I'd barely sleep those nights.

I didnt mind. Her sleeping was more important anyway, her chronic pain was bad enough when well rested, I'd hate to see how she'd be when lacking sleep. And I was pretty used to getting little to no sleep anyway.

You can really tell I didnt worry about my own wellbeing all that much in this timeline huh..

Oh well, thats not the point here.

My point here is I miss Collei.

That her touch averseness seemed to melt away because she was comfortable with me, which worked pretty well considering I was fairly physically affectionate with most of my friends.

How she'd take us with her on her patrol routes and spend the whole time telling us about the various plants and animals we'd walk past. She'd always have the biggest smile on her face when doing so. Her and Fischl would try to do target competitions while we were out too. Fischl typically won them but it was nice seeing Collei want to and actually slowly improve her aim during our visit.

I even miss her little giggle when she asked about my scar. Just confirming it was from "whatever happened to [me] when [she] was in mond", and when I confirmed and told her it was from Kaeya she just laughed and showed me the scar she got from him too. She said we matched. It was nice seeing how easily she laughed that night off. And her intent listening when Bennett took the convo to tell us about all of his scars.

uhg.

theres just. So much. I could keep going, really. She really was my best friend. Saying that feels like it doesnt quite encompass our relationship, but it wasnt romantic and queerplatonic also doesnt sound quite right-

I dunno, I dont need to ramble about that here.

Anyway I miss Collei.

~Razor Minci 🕯♟

'

[purplecraze]

Beauty and the Beast AU 5

orange-plane-boy — 08/28/2021 1:40 PM

He waved at thr birdy as it vanished, before laying back in bed, sighing.

Was there a world to say 'im fucking curious but also dont want to die'? Because thats how he was feeling right now

purplecraze — 08/28/2021 1:41 PM

Masochism.....

Well, considering the ruckus that was invoked about half an hour later, it didn't sound like it was worth the risk.

orange-plane-boy — 08/28/2021 1:55 PM

Indeed but...

He got close to the door, and while he wasnt that stupid to open it, he took the key away and tried to peep from the keyhole, if he could see something of what was going on

purplecraze — 08/28/2021 2:03 PM

it was too dark to properly distinguish anything. And from what little sanity the monster had, it seemed to avoid this side of the castle. But it still passed by 2 times, throwing a chair and breaking it against the door.

Whatever out there was completely broken loose, worse than the 2 nights he had witnessed of it before.

And even though Narancia couldn't tell what it looked like, there was one thing he could discern from the limited view and abundant sounds:

Whatever it was, it was in pain.

orange-plane-boy — 08/28/2021 2:08 PM

He scoot over as the chair hitted the door. Ok, new rule; dont go too close the door.

He sighed as he put the key back and layed down in the bed.

Narancia didnt really knew shit about curses or magic, but still he felt sorry about his host; being in pain like that sure was a bit too much of a punishment for only tired to fuck around a bit with magic right?

purplecraze — 08/28/2021 2:11 PM

The chaos quieted down after some time. Maybe it had exhausted itself? But the anguished screams and pitched squirms lasted throughout the night, resounding through the castle.

Once sunrise came, it was dead quiet once more.

orange-plane-boy — 08/28/2021 2:15 PM

Nara managed to fall asleep after the sun was up; waking up kinda groggy and still sleepy, after all, even after all that noise, the bed was so soft snd confy...

"Nh...Ah! Shit is almost lunch time-!" He murmured taking off his nightdress and starting to wear the clothes for the next day, making sure to look good. He got in front of the mirror and combed his hair and made sure che cravat was not loose.

He did a little spin and giggled; the stuff sure looked fancy, no wonder rich people usually have maids to help them dress

purplecraze — 08/28/2021 2:27 PM

By the time he arrived in the dining room, someone was already there, sitting on the far opposite side of his usual spot.

He looked to be about his age, maybe a bit older. At first glance, he didn't seem very abnormal.

But he was very pale, and thin. It was clear to see he suffered from chronic lack of sleep and nourishment.

Also, what could be seen of his skin showed marks of wounds that recently closed. Most notable was that his arm was broken.

He held a complicated looking book in his good hand, looking up from it as the other approached.

orange-plane-boy — 08/28/2021 2:31 PM

Holy shit that was a kid

In his head he imagined him young, dunno he 'sounded' young from he would write to him, but not a fucking kid of his age.

"Good morning!" He chirped, trying to not point the arm...God he hoped he knew some medical magic too

purplecraze — 08/28/2021 2:40 PM

"Good afternoon..." he replied, correcting him. He looked him over from his seat as well, as if he hadn't been able to do so properly until now with his little bird's help.

"You look disappointed. Expected something scarier?"

orange-plane-boy — 08/28/2021 2:41 PM

"Ah- no just...h-how old are you??" He asked sitting down

purplecraze — 08/28/2021 2:42 PM

He blinked for a moment, considering how much time had passed since he bothered keeping track of time.

"16..."

orange-plane-boy — 08/28/2021 2:57 PM

"...You are younger than me??" He asked a bit shocket "Im 17!"

purplecraze — 08/28/2021 3:00 PM

"........" Fugo looked a tad skeptical, swallowing some words along the line of 'you don't look a day over 14'.

In stead, he cleared his throat.

"I'd like to apologize to you once more in person, for the inconvenience this place has caused you. If I had realized sooner, I wouldn't have given you those items... Was it the emblem? I suppose there's rumors about me, then.."

orange-plane-boy — 08/28/2021 3:03 PM

"Ehy, to be fair im the one that got inside your house and stole your stuff, guess i kinda deserved it" He murmured taking a big bite then

purplecraze — 08/28/2021 3:04 PM

"No you didn't..." he spoke timid.

he didn't eat a lot more than some bread.

orange-plane-boy — 08/28/2021 3:21 PM

"Mh..." he observed him

"Umh...does it hurt eat?"

purplecraze — 08/28/2021 3:26 PM

".......? err.." He considered for a moment. "No. no, not exactly. uh.... in a way, perhaps...

Please, don't mind it. More importantly, mr. Ghirga: If you don't mind me asking, what has life been like for you? How are things outside this place?"

orange-plane-boy — 08/28/2021 3:51 PM

Mr...?

"Ah- Narancia its just fine really!" He laughed awkardly

"And outside? Well i guess the same as always? If you ask about politic stuff i dont really know about it hah"

purplecraze — 08/28/2021 3:53 PM

"Alright. Narancia....

I want to know about the every day life, it doesn't matter how insignificant."

orange-plane-boy — 08/28/2021 4:11 PM

"Mhhh well its winter so there is not really a lot of interesting, but some shops have started to decorate for chirstmas! Its nice at least is not everything gray now; also the air is really dry so maybe it could even snow soon!"

purplecraze — 08/28/2021 4:15 PM

"I can know the weather from around here too, it will probably snow in a few days.... Do you like the snow? What do you usually spend your day with?

orange-plane-boy — 08/28/2021 4:33 PM

"Kinda? I mean im sure its better when younare inside haha...and well, i guess i just try to survive? In summer i find some jobs time to time, but in winter is a bit of just not dying in the streets kinda of game"

purplecraze — 08/28/2021 4:34 PM

"And just when you think you've got it made, you're chased out for being cursed, huh?"

orange-plane-boy — 08/28/2021 4:35 PM

"Guess im not really lucky haha, but i least i got some nice clothes for the winter!"

purplecraze — 08/28/2021 4:39 PM

"The merchants who will deliver supplies in 4 days are.... not entirely sympathetic to my situation, but they at least know that it's not infectious. and they're in my service. They'll take care of you from next week forward, rest assured..."

orange-plane-boy — 08/28/2021 4:45 PM

He took another bite and looked at him

"...why are you helping me?'

purplecraze — 08/28/2021 4:47 PM

"......" he pushed his fork around, not looking back at him. "...I don't get many visitors."

orange-plane-boy — 08/28/2021 4:48 PM

"Mhh...Yknow i havent talked to someone of my age in a while too" he giggled

"Is kinda hard to make friends in the streets"

purplecraze — 08/28/2021 4:50 PM

".........." The boy stared back at him. His eyes looked.... confused, almost panicked. and starved.

He stood up. "I should take my leave."

orange-plane-boy — 08/28/2021 4:51 PM

"Uh ok--- You should do do something for that arm, and try to rest- im not gonna steal or touch stuff so dont worry and sleep a bit"

purplecraze — 08/28/2021 4:52 PM

"That's not what I'm worried about... Again, take what you like, there's nothing I'm particularly attached to."

orange-plane-boy — 08/28/2021 4:53 PM

"Umh ok-- anyway see you...umh, Tomorrow maybe? If you want we can keep eat lunch together!"

purplecraze — 08/28/2021 4:55 PM

He glanced at him. there was something cold to his look.

"............Why?"

orange-plane-boy — 08/28/2021 4:57 PM

"Why not? You keep talking to me with the bird, why not just chat face to face! Makes more sense to me"

purplecraze — 08/28/2021 5:01 PM

".............."

He walked a few paces towards him. Glancing over the table, he took a silent breath and lay his hand on a still untouched melon.

What first looked like a very appetizing piece of fruit turned into a shriveled pile of misery within the blink of an eye.

"........Does it make sense to you now?"

orange-plane-boy — 08/28/2021 5:03 PM

Ok that was...creepy...And kinda explained why henlooked so perished

"Well as long we dont get too close i dont see the problem!" Sorry, he dosent give up easly

purplecraze — 08/28/2021 5:05 PM

Fugo turned off and left without any word aside from "Idiot."

orange-plane-boy — 08/28/2021 5:08 PM

Rude!

"See you tomorrow then!" He insisted, finishing his lunch before thinking about what he could do...mhh, the library seemed like one of the best option to spend time

[mistyeyedpea]

Me losing sleep over this entire post on fb but i had removed it cause i know it would cause issues-

its really crazy that i have my family on here and literally none of them check in on me (other than my mom and dad occasionally checking in)

My grandparents in pr yell at me for never contacting them, but im the one calling their phones and being sent to voicemail. Im the one checking in on my cousins and aunts and grandma. Phones do work both ways ... The last time i saw my aunts was when i had surgery in 2019. I was happy to sew them, but i knew they were just stopping by. I dont get invited to barbeques. My mom never tells me about any family events, but i am never personally invited to begin with by anyone. When i was younger i had a "better" relationship with my family. (We basically actually did things together) But i dont know what has happened. My cousin gives me a ride one time and tried to charge me 10$ for it. For a funeral mind you. I only rode w him cause i missed him.

Same cousin talks abt being woke but still uses terms like "my fav cousin" and says passive aggressive things like "i know who my real family is" when i am just trying to talk to him and see him. This is the treatment i get.

My other cousin that i used to be close to, acts like i dont exist.

I was never able to establish a relationship with my niece bc of this. She doesnt even know who i am.

My youngest cousin whom i love to pieces, i havent seen him in years.

I am currently feeling extra upset because i dont care about the strangers on here, but mainly my family is on here, and they never show to me that they care. Life is short and i just want to say im tired of being made to feel like i dont matter by the people who are supposed to care i spent too much of my life hoping MY FAMILY could understand me. But instead i am cast as the black sheep as i was in my youth when my cousins got away with bullying me. I was seen as the problem, and i know why.. i just wont say it cause it will get me in trouble (even at 26 i stilk have ptsd from speaking the truth) And me being young, neurodivergent and lacking boundries i fled to any arms that would accept me, since i was so "broken"

I dont think its me thats broken, after all these years i realize that perhaps im better off without them and this weird limbo they always kept me in.

As a person who has physical limitations, mental health issues, chronic pain etc it should not be me going above and beyond just to have a chance at a reply... or hoping maybe ill get invited this year. No.

If you dont care, i dont care. Tired of watering dead plants.

This is why i cannot wait to move away.

I cant help but think the reason i get treated this way is because i am neurodivergent and any issue anyone else had with me immediately blamed on me being "mentally ill" (ive heard this line too many times) as if they didnt directly do something to trigger me... right.

Anyways im done ranting. If you were mentioned, sorry but you suck and i am in a place where im not sure if i want a relationship with anyone anymore, so you can continue to ignore this like you usually do or apologize to me via dms where i will most likely not reply.

[qillermeme]

4, 12, 19, 40, 49, 66, 70, 93, for the weird asks please (sorry so many but you are just so interesting an i want to know more)

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you? i was well liked by my teachers, i was a smart and curious student, tho often precocious. they held me back in 1st grade because of my gender identity issues, but they just worded it like i was having issues making friends, but the truth is i had plenty, but all my friends were boys and we did boy things. the second 1st grade teacher told my mom more directly that i was having gender identity issues and i was probably going to grow up to be a lesbian and she should prepare herself. of course my mom didnt tell me that until i was an adult. that techer always went out of her way to make me feel special and not treat me weird like other adults did. i went to catholic school for 2nd and 3rd and that was the worst. i got in trouble all the time for questioning the bible stories and the lack of logic. i was always being punished for being poor (not bringing food in to donate or not being able to selling candy bars in my poorass neighborhood or having ratted or dirty clothes) the other parents complained that i was gay and told their kids not to play with me. i didnt realize any of this at the time, thank god. its fair to say everyone there hated me, from the nun to the teachers to the students and their parents. i even got my art taken out of the school display at the local art fair because of some bullshit reason that made no sense. ugh. but the rest of elem. sch. was alright. i made friends with girls and boy (of course they all ended up being the gay kids lol) so the feed back was all good from the teachers except i was always late and often missed school. but that was because my mother was on drugs and would keep us home a lot when she felt guilty or whatever. 

12. name of your favorite playlist? love||sick

19. sleeping position? i try to sleep on my back with my arms at my side because its best for my chronic pain, but i toss and turn. my cat bella sleeps in my armpits usually, so that helps keep me on my back. she sleeps with me for about 98% of my time in bed. she gets up and has a snack and poos and comes right back. so usually my sleeping position is just me trying not to disturb her and also snuggle her and also no let her lick me too much (since shes hairless the barbs on her tongue arnt dulled as much as a reg. cat so her licks are extra scratchy and painful on more sensitive spots, like my damn arm pit or neck.) when im sleeping with a S.O. i like to be touching them in some way, even if its just our feet, i want to have some part of me on them.  

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school? hmm.. well columbine happened when i was in high school. suddenly we werent allowed to wear all the things we had been wearing, trench coats, chain wallets, marilyn manson t-shirts. everything got really tense and it emotional. one of my friends tore up a bible at lunch the week before and got his ass beat by the foot ball team, after columbine everyone was terrified of us. utterly terrified. 

49. what saying or quote do you live by? there are a ton, but the one thats screaming the loudest in my head right now, ‘the riot is the language of the unheard.’ and always always, ‘the needs of the many out weigh the needs of the few’. 

66. favorite flower(s)? sun flowers, dandelions, daisies, bleeding hearts are amazing, snap dragons of course, and actually im just a whore for plants and flowers in general but i like simple ones the most.  

70. left or right handed? actually i am ambidextrous, tho i primarily use my left for writing and eating, i use my right for most everything else and am right hand dom in sports stuffs. i cant paint and do calligraphy with my right as well. 

93. nicknames? my god, there are so many. so fucking many. here are just some of the favorites- melvis, melmo, melonious thunk, aMELzing, melticia (morticia addams), melvira (elvira) me el, meleficent, bee..  my mama calls me ‘goobie’ and melvyn used to be a nickname and now its my real name. anything mel related or rhyming, ive heard it.

[glamzerypink]

sick of being sick and dealing with a doctor who is a prick.

i hate having hyper mobility syndrome. you literally dont get help for it. you get semi diagnosed with what they think is going on and dismiss everything you say. they barely educate patients because they dont know themselves. theres a condition named EDS which is didnt know about until years later which explains how i feel ten times more then the hypermobility diagnoseses. then i discover theres a hypermobile type and various others that are sometimes even fatal. yet my doctor just said i need physio. i wasnt checked for fucking anything! when i complained i was only tested for stuff normal people have.  sore bowels - must be your diet feeling chronically fatigued? - you need more sleep sore joints? you must not exercise or something? dislocations? youre not doing enough physio therapy cant eat? maybe your lactose intolerant or something.. lets look into these. Completely missing the overall issue that is causing it all, a lack or deformity of collagen in my chromosome. My connective tissue is like gum and once it gets pulled i cant tighten them, this is what happens when the joints move. they move so much over time its a floppy mess filled with ache and pain. The human body has 360 joints. i am effected everywhere all day every day, i do not get a day off i do not feel a sense of relaxation like i once did. my whole life was turned upside down and the only person who was truly going through it with me was my poor mum who also hadnt a clue what was happening to me.  my childhood i was a crazy kid, i used to be the most daring things and be super active. i loved sport and adventure. i always wondered how old people had no energy and what that would feel like not realising years later id be feeling chronic pain 24/7. i over worked myself a lot. in highschool i worked after school and the entire weekend for two years. if i wasnt at work i was studying at school or doing sport. if i had work off i would play basketball. i would miss meals to go see friends and catch up with them and i never stopped for anyone. i felt like my life was a big flip when i became weaker and weaker. my mind still obessed with getting on with life but my body attached to the bed. 

no one has ever learnt what that was like for me. i was so confused. i remeber the day i woke up and was getting ready for school i felt sick but ignored it. i then walked to my dresser and began peeing myself. i tried to clean it up and continue like nothing happened. i then brushed my hair and it felt like a bag of sugar in my hand. i sometimes laid down and brushed my hair on my back. my bowel movements made me feel like i needed to go all the time and i felt very sick. i began sleeping a lot. like a lot. id get home and wait for dinner and fall asleep to TV. id have long days then sleep for 14 hours without fail. 

but everyone around me just thought i was sick and would get better. i had arguments with my mum about being pregnant and with my teachers because i said i felt sick so much and especially in the mornings. id suffer a gag reflux and a sore digestion. no one understood.  id have good days and bad days and i would confuse people around me. id get so hot id pour bottles of water over me. i would have issues with stairs, opening bottles and cans, lifting my plate, cooking, going to the bathroom, driving, moving in bed, sleeping, eating and literally everything. i dont remember what its like to not be in constant pain. i have been adapting to this pain since i was 14 and i am now 21. i am sick of doctors not listening to me

i want to tell you if you got this far that you are very valid in what you want to say to a doctor. that what you think happening is vital to finding out. without you their wouldnt be an issue. i encourage people to look into things themselves with an open mind and discuss these thoughts and findings with your doctor. i have spent a lot of time and money dealing with doctors who treat me the same as an abled person and forget i have a connective tissue disorder that effects my entire body functioning. doctors will say hello and not even look at your history. you need to educate them on your specific needs and be firm. i was always so stupid letting my doctor convince me it was because of my diet or drinking alcohol when really he was too lazy to refer me. he told me “listen there are people in the waiting room and i need to type this up, i dont want to do this now” he said he would do it in the weekend and ignored all my calls and opinions. he told me nothing was wrong. i have now found a new doctor in the same clinic and he has pushed for me to get a colonoscophy. im so excited and nervous. what annoys me is if my doctor educated himself on my illness and how it relates to ehler danlos syndrome, and that they have bad bowels, blood issues, heart issues just like i do, yet cant check it out for me to be tested? i do not understand this stupid world of doctors why EDS and Hypermobility syndrome gets so pushed away. We know we are a lot to deal with but no one cares about the fucking pain we are in. 

[lavellane]

A-Z HEADCANONS // DUNCAN THEIRIN

i was tagged by @nordxz thanks so much tash !! i'm gonna answer this for duncan, my babey and the next gen son of alistair and ella cousland 😊😚😘

i snappped while answering these and accidentally wrote 6 pages and almost 4k words so uh. loooooong infodump ahead.

Alignment: What would be their D&D alignment? How might it come into play?

duncan very easily falls into the lawful neutral category, like i dont rly need to give his alignment too much thought unlike with some of my other ocs. duncan is.....hmm. hes a very KIND person, generous and selfless, and tries his best to make people happy, but i wouldn’t necessarily say he's good, considering a lot his issues lie with his inability to act, or stand up to others. he’s guilty of very blindly following the law, or other people's ideas of what's right, and he doesn't really feel confident enough to rely on his own conscience for most things. so i'd say while he tries to do the right thing and act within the law, sometimes he goes against his own values out of fear or confusion or, simply out of ignorance, since he was born into a life of privilege and can't always distinguish what's right and what’s believed ykno

Beverage: What do they most like to drink, and why?

duncan shares a weird trait with both his brother and sister where they all just inexplicably ?? don't like alcohol at all. so stuff like wine and liquors is off the table. he absolutely LOVES tea though. u know that one scene in scott pilgrim where the gal is going thru her list of like 72 teas? thats him 100%. it's his lifeblood at this point, he has SO much of it and a perk of being the heir to a monarchy means he's got a lot of foreign merchant acquaintances, so he tends to order in different blends from all over. he's a chronic insomniac, and he uses it as a crutch to get through the days some times. modern!duncan still loves tea but obviously has a stronger love for coffee, since its far more effective!

Co-Habitat: Do they live with anyone? What’s “need to know” before moving in?

duncan currently lives in the residential dorms of the college of enchanters, while he's sort of aimlessly studying a bunch of subjects he's already mostly adept at. firstly, duncan is VERY sick lol, he was conceived while ella and alistair still hadn't found the cure for the joining, and essentially he inherited both of their darkspawn taint so 🙂🙂🙂 thats always a good time. so anyone who lives with him needs to prepare for 1) him being sick obviously,, throwing up, coughing up blood, looking like a corpse virtually 23 hours of the day lol. and obviously the fear that one day he might actually die. but also 2) he suffers from grey warden nightmares for the same reasons, hence the insomnia. he can go a concerning number of days without sleeping and usually only takes strategic cat naps when he needs to, but obviously he has his limits. it's very rare that he goes a full night without waking up in a cold sweat due to nightmares so. we stan one depressed king ! oh he also is Incapable of locking the door to his apartment. he always forgets and hes too tired to care about people stealing his stuff fkdkdjdjd he would probably make more of an effort if he had someone living with him, but old habits die hard so !!!!!!

Decor: What kind of home do they keep? Are there any defining details?

honestly , duncan's house is very devoid of clutter or personal items in general, which is sad. he definitely would have a lot of decor if he could, but since his current housing is only temporary while he's in orlais, he doesn't really want to get... comfortable ykno. other than that, duncan's home is always kept impeccably neat and clean, for two reasons. firstly, growing up in denerim's palace really engrained into his head the importance of keeping up appearances, so its sort of a subconscious ritual of his at this point. but i think more importantly its because of all the nights when he cant sleep, so during the night with nothing to keep him from dwelling on his thoughts or nightmares, he really needs the distraction, and cleaning gives him something to do. duncan really needs to feel like he's doing something, like he's managing, like he's able to achieve something so cleaning is just one little way of taking ownership of his life.

Escape: What do they do to de-stress? How successful is it?

nsfw warning but uhhh..... he has a LOT of sex basically dkdkdksk u wouldn’t know it by looking at him tho ! bc hes very polite and nervous and kinda shy?? but hes also charming and obviously attractive so he doesnt really lack for interested parties. mainly he just sticks to one night stands, with no strings attached, and it helps him take his mind off things when hes exhausted or its late at night and hes afraid to go to sleep. otherwise he also has had some friends with benefits but usually his personal life is too complicated for a serious relationship. aside from that, he also reads a LOT, writes too – when he has the time/energy – and obviously cuddling sessions with his cat, moira dkdkdk

Fluff: What hits their soft spot? Does anything turn them into emotional goo?

so ik above i said that duncan doesnt do serious relationships but thats,, not through any will of his own. he LOVES love and is a complete hopeless romantic , but unfortunately for a number of reasons he's just very unlucky at love ! 😔 so having an emotional, intimate connection with someone that isnt just sex is super healing for him, since he's not used to it at all. being with nadaia is such a positive thing for him, just knowing that his feelings are reciprocated and that he's valued and wanted.

Grudge: How bad does an insult go over? Do they hold a grudge long?

i think it depends on who its directed at !! duncan usually ignores any insults directed at him because he's grown up being so scrutinized by the public and for the most part, fereldens are very weary of him so he hears A LOT. most of criticisms about him he just.. automatically accepts as fact and really buys into them, bc he has such low self esteem. but as for other people, and ESPECIALLY loved ones thats a very different story!! he's not exactly the type to start throwing punches if anyone says a bad word against someone he cares about, but he WILL personally see to it in his own sneaky way that they get whats coming to them dkdkkdjd usually he'll either find a way to expose their dirty laundry, embarrass them in public, prevent a promotion, something like that lol. this goes double if the insult is directed at nadaia or his family.

Hobby: What’s something they do for fun that might be surprising?

ive already mentioned that he's an avid reader and he likes to write occasionally, but he's also a talented musician! He can play harp and lute, and has a beautiful singing voice ! tho he never EVER sings in public and u have to be like,, a ride or die for him to even consider singing in front of u.

Insomnia: What’s their sleeping schedule like? Snorer? Sound sleeper?

well like i said he's an insomniac so sleep rly is a vague, barely recognised concept to him at the point dksksksk he also experiences sleep paralysis during especially bad nightmares, honestly he rly hit the misery jackpot and i feel so bad like hes indisputably my most tormented oc 🙃🙃🙃 so yea hehe doesnt really thrash around during nightmares but he sweats A LOT and sometimes talks in his sleep. during sleep paraylsis obviouslyy he goes COMPLETELY rigid and still which is terrifying for everyone involved lol. on the rare occasion that he is able to sleep he is out like a light lol he would sleep for 17 hours if he could. in saying that because he is also a Strategic Napper he is usually comfortable falling asleep ANYWHERE, because hes so tired comfort really isnt a concern lol.

Jaded: Do they buy into the “happily ever after” ideal? What’s their standard?

no he doesn't unfortunately 😔 or at least i should say he doesn't believe in it for himself - he's pretty convinced that he won't live til 30 and he's existing on borrowed time as it is, so he hasn't really put a lot of thought into his own happiness or the pursuit of his own goals because he doesn't believe he'll be around to see them realized

Kin: What’s their role among their relations? Do they consider others family?

duncan is the firstborn son of king!alistair and ella cousland, my canon warden. he's also the eldest brother to roslyn and bryce theirin. he's also, obviously , the half brother of keiran, tho none of the theirin kids are aware of that oof. his role, officially, is to become king when his parents eventually pass. its NOT something he wants, due to being so sick and unsure of himself. despite what his parents tell him, he doesnt believe he will make a good king and is really terrified of the notion in general, i guess a little like alistair was in dao. duncan kinda,,, avoids his duties, to the point where he literally LEAVES to live and study in orlais. he still does what he needs to do, keeps in correspondence with people he needs to, but its all bare minimum stuff because hes just. so afraid of it lol. he has a mostly good relationship with his family, despite that – theres some resentment between him and his sister, rose, but thats a whole entire story we dont have time for dkdkskdk

Law: What do they think about abiding rules? Are they selective about it?

like i said before he's pretty adherent to the rules and laws of society tho i do see that as more of a flaw than anything. he doesnt really feel comfortable stepping outside the norm and tends to accept that other people know best ! even if he disagrees he's usually too unsure of himself to speak up. that does change quite a bit once he and nadaia grow closer, since SHE is big on bending ridiculous or unjust rules, but he's always gonna be a bit of a follower i think 😒

Magic: In a magic series or not, are they accepting, or is each instance a shock?

he's accepting!! he's a mage so it would be wild of him if he didnt lmao. during his childhood/adolesence he was kinda harsh on himself and had a lot of internalized guilt for being a mage, bc this was obviously still fresh after the mage rebellions. he resented his own abilities and just wanted to be normal, but that was also him projecting a lot of his other problems as well. he had amazing teachers who helped him come to terms with his abilities, and the best of all was my inquisitor, ashara, who is kind of like a very distant, scary aunt who always had a soft spot for him. she helped him – and alistair and ella – RIGHT after they discovered he was a mage, and she was really the biggest role model in his life when it came to magic. duncan has always looked up to her skill and control and confidence, and tried very hard to match that.

Network: Are they connected to the people? How much do they reach out to others?

duncan has an ARMY of acquaintances and connections due to his family, but doesn't really have a lot of people he considers his close friends. he's super friendly and he gets along with most people, but like ive said before serious relationships including friendships are always a bit complicated for him bc of who he is as a person lol. as for reaching out, he's a very independent, introverted person and so he tends not to seek out other people unless he's close to them or has no other choice. he's very self conscious about being a burden on people or being to “needy" so he holds himself back and sometimes comes across as a little cold.

Offspring: What kind of parent would they be? Would they prefer one, or multiple?

he.... probably can't physically have kids unfortunately due to his condition, and as a result he's never really wanted to think too much about it, or imagine a scenario that he believes he cant have. but if it WERE a possibility, or if he felt stable in his own life enough to adopt, he'd probably be comfortable with just one child to completely spoil. he would be such a good father, albiet maybe not the coolest dad ddkdkdks i think nadaia would be the one who got up to the crazy shenanigans and let her child get away with everything, and duncan would be more of the nurturing, responsible one. he'd be a MASTER at telling bedtime stories, would kick ass at homework assistance, and would sing his kid to sleep every single night (until they got too old for it obviously). ooooo im so IMMENSELY emo abt this au now that i think about it

Pistol: Is this character skilled with a weapon? What’s their opinion of violence?

duncan is a very non-violent person, but he does believe that sometimes violence is necessary and will BE violent if he needs to – only in self defence scenarios though. he's an adept mage, and very skilled with a staff, but he isn't a fighter, really – more of a defensive, protective figure.

Question: How often do they feel doubt? What topics are they defensive about?

oh the doubt is constant with him 🙃🙃 he has a lot of deep routed dread about his own morality and whether or not he's a good person or if the maker will accept him when he dies. he's andrastian but TERRIFIED of the notion that its all actually real, bc then he doesnt know where that leaves him. he has this weird existential dichotomy where he doesnt know if hes closer resembling a grey warden or a darkspawn bc of his tainted blood. he also doubts his abilities and his magic bc he's afraid that the taint just,, makes him inherently a corrupted thing. he doubts himself on a more basic level with like, being a good brother, a good son, a good king when the time comes. he wants to be a good student and partner but sometimes his health makes him feel like he cant, and it weighs on him so heavily, almost all the time. basically he needs a hug so badly its not funny 😔😔😔

Reminder: How are they at remembering daily needs? What falls through the cracks?

uhh its very selective !!! for the most part he's very good at taking care of himself, mostly because he NEEDS to otherwise his health gets out of control, but sometimes he tends to prioritize one set of needs above another,, which usually means not sleeping (the most common), forgetting to eat, not letting his loved ones know when he's having a poor health day which usually results in him getting really sick and nobody is around to help him. he also forgets to do certain things like lock up his house, buy foodstuffs, reply to peoples letters n stuff like that.

Sing: Do they like music? Do they listen often/sing/hum/play songs in their head?

yes and yes !! duncan loves music altho its a very personal and private thing for him. he's pretty naturally gifted with music and gets it from ella, who taught him a lot of what he knows. he has a gorgeous singing voice (i kinda hc something similar to dan smith’s vocals from bastille!) that he rarely uses bc he only ever sings when he's alone or if he's forced to by a nosy loved one or something lol

Touch: How do they handle contact? Is their personal bubble big?

duncan doesn't mind being touched !!! in fact in most situations he welcomes it, as long as its like,,, appropriate and not some random stranger obviously. he grew up with ella and alistair who obviously are VERY affectionate people so he loves giving and receiving hugs from friends and he doesnt flinch or feel weird about just? random natural touches or anything. his ~love language~ is also physical touch so he LIVES for cuddling with nadaia and holding hands and anything like that. however !!! his little sister rose HATES being touched by virtually anybody and in any capacity, so he's very aware that not everybody is okay with touch, and is always careful and considerate of other peoples boundaries. he usually waits for the other person to make the first move, or simply asks them first !

Upcoming: How much do they think of the future? Do they make long-term plans?

he doesn't at all 😔 i mentioned this before but he doesn't see himself living very long, and its really impacted his outlook on life. he is afraid to commit to a lot of things, even if its something he really, truly wants, because he doesn't want to get his hopes up for things. it also keeps him from forging positive relationships. a lot of it has to do with him just being overly polite, but he refuses to make the first move with anything, or communicate what HE wants out of something. for example, his relationship with nadaia could have progressed so much faster if he had just,,, told her what he wanted. she had to make a lot of the first moves in the relationship because he just,, doesnt know how to take chances i guess !!! we love a Deeply Flawed king

Vice: What bad habits do they have? Is there something they would be ashamed of?

Some harmless ones are ; him talking to his cat constantly dkdskd also he has very poor time management skills so he's almost always a few minutes late, forgetting to lock his stuff up, and slouching, probably !!! some more serious ones would be like,, having sex with strangers as a coping mechanism lol, not speaking his mind and instead just letting himself be a doormat, also INTENSE avoidance of his problems (moving away to orlais for 9 years to avoid his fear of being king for example 🙃) tho i guess they fall under the same category oof.

Wardrobe: What’s their fashion style? Do they have any staple pieces?

duncan dresses nice, for the most part !!! again, it's mostly to do with growing up in court and having to keep up appearances, but also hes just. a nice bisexual boy who wants to take care of himself ykno, and that includes hygiene/clothing/grooming etc ! he's maybe a bit TOO reserved tho, he mostly wears dark colours like blacks, greys and brows, but hes been known to wears reds/blues/whites as well, and there’s a lot of subtle yet beautiful details on his more formal attire that might go unnoticed by a casual eye. a lot of his clothes are specifically tailored but he's also fond of big oversized sweaters for when hes just hanging out ! he's got a not great relationship with his body lol so he usually dresses very conservatively, with long sleeves and pants and usually more than one layer, but hes also a thot so !!! pants be TIGHT dksksksks

X-Ray: How’s their health? Any problem areas? Do they take care of themselves?

Djdjdksksndjddjkekdidksjs OKAY WELL if u have read this far than obviously u kno the answer to this question. if ur just skimming tho first of all ur valid ! second of all duncan is VERY sick. he was conceived when ella and alistair where still searching for the joining cur, so basically he inherited the darkspawn taint x 2 and nearly died a bunch of times as a baby/young child. obviously idk how the cure storyline is gonna resolve but my hc is that bc the darkspawn taint is something he was BORN with, not just something that happened to him via ritual, his body is much more impacted by it so even if they are able to find a cure, it wouldnt work THAT well and his health would still suffer bc of the prolonged damage. so physically, he deals with a LOT – intense migraines, insomnia, nausea, fatigue, problems with breathing and fevers and stuff. obviously mentally hes.... not doing great either, tho he’s trying his best. sometimes his insomnia gets so bad he starts hallucinating visions from his darkspawn nightmares, and sometimes he just feel paranoid in general that he's actually an Evil Darkspawn and hes just somehow managed to convince everyone hes a normal person – sort of a weird blend of imposter syndrome and body dysmorphia its. complicated. anyway he has very low self esteem and tends to think hes a huge inconvenience to everybody, and when he was a teenager he went thru a period where he was very suicidal, and ANGRY and afraid 😔 he’s doing better though, now that he has learnt how to manage most of his symptoms and he's not suffering in denerim court. nadaia is also a huge help, though he tries not to become too heavily reliant on her, since he's had bad experiences with depending too much on other people.

Yack: What’s their favorite thing to talk about? What do they go on about?

skskdkdk im already crying hehe 🙂 duncan is so introverted and self conscious of being “Too Much" for other people so he tends to keep his thoughts/interests to himself and stick w just. boring small tall or non invasive questions relating to the other person. BUT if u show an interest and he trusts u then oh boy. hes an absolute dork. he loves talking about magic and having really intense conversations abt the technical sides of it (he and dorian would get along SO well) but he also loves history !!!! before he began studying at the college of enchanters he received multiple ??? qualifications?? (idk if thats the right term but u kno) from the university of orlais, one of them being orlesian and ferelden history. also anything to do with the grey wardens, the blights and darkspawn for personal reasons obviously. He's a VERY good storyteller so he somehow finds a way to make even the dryest topics seem very compelling and Cool – varric would be proud !! he finds the orlesian Great Game fascinating, and he enjoys sharing wild anecdotes about the things he's seen asshole nobles get up to. thats always thrilling skdksksk ALSO. He has a secret interest in necromancy and the mortalitasi (its only a secret bc hes the heir and that wouldnt look ... great lol ) but he only ever really talks about that with nadaia, who finds that stuff almost as interesting as he does. also, finally, he loves talking about nadaia 😊😊😊😊 hes the type of guy who will always namedrop “my girlfriend" into any conversation, loves telling people about her accomplishments and how Cool she is ..... he loves her a Lot is what im getting at sksksks

Zodiac: What’s their astro sign? Does it fit? What would you pick, if it’s unknown?

duncan is a pisces babey like his mother !!! tho he could also be a virgo but,,, i think for now pisces works better for him. he's very smart and introspective and creative, but he has some issues with critical thoughts, avoidance and melancholy like ive mentioned. also pisces is a water element so i guess that makes even more sense, since hes an ice mage 👌👌👌

okay !!! im done !!! i cant believe i wrote all that but i guess if u didnt know abt duncan before, u absolutely do now dksksks im so sorry to anyone who actually read thru all of this, u really are braver than the troops

[thescrletspeedster-blog]

FILE 001 :// THE FLASH

BASICS.

GIVEN / BIRTH NAME : Bartholomew Henry Allen NICKNAME / PREFERRED NAME : Barry ALIAS(ES) : The Flash, The Fastest Man Alive, The Scarlet Speedster BIRTHDATE / AGE : March 14th, 1985 // 33 years old PLACE OF BIRTH : Fallville, Iowa CURRENT LOCATION : Central City, KS GENDER IDENTITY : Cis-Male, He/Him SEXUAL / ROMANTIC ORIENTATION : Bisexual/Biromantic  ETHNICITY / RACE / CULTURAL HERITAGE:  Caucasian/Orthodox Jewish  MARITAL STATUS : Single OCCUPATION : Forensic scientist for the Central City Police department, specializing in forensic chemistry.  RELIGIOUS BELIEFS : Agnostic

CHARACTERISTICS.

HEIGHT : 6″3 WEIGHT : 180 BODY TYPE / BUILD : Mesomorph/Long and lean EYE COLOR : Blue HAIR COLOR / TEXTURE : Blonde, with a gentle wave through it when he actually bothers styling it.  RECOGNIZABLE FEATURES / SCARS : Barry lacks the scars that would typically identify him as a hero, because his advanced physiology allows him to heal quickly. He has a few from just being a kid--particularly on his knees because he was really tall and didn’t learn how to control his limbs well until he was in his late teens. He used to have a scar on his arm from the night of his mother’s murder, but it’s since faded.  SPEECH PATTERNS / ACCENT : Barry doesn’t really have much of an accent or particular speech patterns, having lived in Central City his entire life. He will start to speak faster than people can comprehend if he isn’t careful--which was a real problem when he first became The Flash.  LANGUAGES SPOKEN : His first language is English, but he can speak a lot of languages conversationally--if he’s particularly bored he’ll speed read and work on learning a different language. So far he’s best at Hebrew, French, and Spanish.  POWERS / SKILLS / ABILITIES : The nickname of The Fastest Man Alive is well earned, as Barry is potentially one of the fastest beings in the whole of the universe. He has superhuman reflexes due to his speed, which allow him to react to events in a seconds and fractions of seconds, as well enhanced mental processes which allow him to process information at an accelerated rate as well. He has an enhanced metabolism, which allows his body to heal at abnormal speeds. Barry is also able to generate electricity, and phase through objects by vibrating his molecules.  OVERALL HEALTH : Barry is in excellent physical health thanks to his enhanced metabolism allowing him to heal quickly, and the constant exertion of running at high speeds. He suffers from anxiety due to the speed at which he processes information and runs through possible outcomes, and this causes him to suffer from chronic insomnia. He also suffers from PTSD from the murder of his mother when he was a child. 

RELATIONSHIPS.

ORDER OF BIRTH : Only child NUMBER OF SIBLINGS : Zero FATHER’S STATUS + RELATIONSHIP : Henry Allen // Alive and incarcerated in Central City Penitentiary. Barry has always maintained his father’s innocence, and the relationship between them is good despite the complications of physical distance and the years that Henry has missed in his son’s life. Their relationship is also complicated by the fact that Joe West is the man that fulfilled all of the duties of a father in Barry’s life, something which frustrates Henry and makes Barry feel like his loyalties are being pulled in two different directions. Any relationship they do have is with a pane of glass between them. MOTHER’S STATUS + RELATIONSHIP : Nora Allen// Murdered by a mysterious figure in yellow. Barry was very close with his mother growing up--she was more present in his life than his father, who worked as a doctor. She is the person who instilled in him the values that he abides by as an adult, always emphasizing that it was more important to be a kind and open individual than to be physically strong or the most intelligent person in the room. Her death is the singular axis point in Barry’s life, and her absence has always been felt keenly by her son.  SIBLING STATUS + RELATIONSHIP : Not Applicable LOYALTY / AFFILIATION : JLA, Flash Family

PERSONALITY.

MBTI : INTP / The Logician  HOBBIES : Laying on his couch and watching terrible history channel documentaries, falling asleep listening to podcasts, purposely reading at a slow pace so that he keeps the information, cooking (elaborate meals that are for more than just survival), running for his own enjoyment, he also loves trying his hand at solving famous unsolved cases.  BAD HABITS : Pacing with no awareness for the space at large, talking too quickly for people to understand, falling asleep in public spaces.  THREE POSITIVE TRAITS : Kind, Intelligent, Loyal THREE NEGATIVE TRAITS : Anxious, Self-Destructive, Forgetful  MORAL ALIGNMENT : Lawful Good 

ASSOCIATIONS.

ONE SONG : Stray Light at Cloud’s Hill // Shearwater  ONE QUOTE / PIECE OF ART : “you’re on the phone with your mother again,   but in this dream, you are                                   screaming                    endlessly                                               endlessly                       endlessly. no words careen          out of your broken mouth                       just guttural,                                   wounded sound.                                               you are           ceaseless, you give                                                           no room for her to respond, but in this dream,           she doesn’t feel the need to.                                                                         in this dream,                                                                                  she understands.”--Wanda Deglane

ONE FEAR : Barry’s biggest fear is that his entire life is based on something he misremembered, or that wasn’t real--every decision that he made was based on seeing the man in yellow murder his mother, but he is the only one who actually saw that event take place. He was only a kid, what if his brain somehow created some kind of boogeyman, or what if it was really his father and his mind distorted it? So far he has no proof, only his absolute faith that there was a third party present that night, who possessed the same abilities that Barry now has.  ONE STRENGTH : Barry is incredibly giving--if you ever need a couch to sleep on or haven’t eaten a warm meal in days, he’s got both ready and he’s already at your front door with them. He sees so much cruelty in the world thanks to his day job and his nights as the Flash, and he wants to be a force for good--it also helps distract him from his own issues.  ONE OBJECT : Gold ring with a lightning bolt insignia  ONE PLACE : The couch at Joe West’s home in Central City.  ONE FOOD : Chocolate chip cookie dough PopTarts  ONE SCENT : Burnt rubber  ONE LUCKY CHARM : A small tattoo of an Iris on his ribs, before an advanced healing factor made tattoos impossible. 

[sweetlifecoach]

Let a Life Coach Help You Stop Poor Habits You Didn’t Know You Were Doing

The unhealthy living habits that you encounter in daily life can limit the capacity to stay a healthy life, successful, and live for longer. Some of the practices that some individuals engage in without noticing have negative impacts on their lives. Eventually, the bad habits in life lead to devastating effects on your physical and mental health. Therefore, it is essential to note some of the awful life habits through the assistance of a life coach as he would help stop the poor habits.  

· Regularly checking Cell Phone at Night

Having and checking on the blue light at night can influence your sleep for up to three hours. You already know that you should get a maximum of seven to nine hours of sleeping every night. Engaging in that moratorium before you sleep can disrupt your sleep patterns every night and eventually lead to circadian rhythm instead of turning you for the night. 

Therefore, it is essential to avoid the mobile phone screen at least 20 minutes before bed and not check it at night. Significantly, sleep deprivation can occur in cases where you experience eye problems and headaches. You should avoid the device at night and first thing in the morning, but it is crucial to have blue-blocking glasses if you must. Alternatively, you may consider using night mode on the iPhone and PC while taking breaks every 20 minutes by focusing on far objects.

· Consuming Energy Drinks

Energy drinks are not the only way in which you can regulate your energy levels. The high levels of sugar and caffeine contained in the products can pose health risks to your body. Besides, misuse of the products can lead to obesity, kidney problems, fatigue, and blood pressure. Energy drinks have very high levels of caffeine and can amount up to 100 mg per ounce. Therefore, you may have to consider taking moderate amounts of coffee in extreme cases when you feel the urge for caffeine. When taking vast amounts of energy drinks, your body becomes dehydrated and could eventually lead to fatigue.

· Eating Too Much Red Meat

Having meat as part of our daily diet is essential, but too much of anything is poisonous. As much as red meat is vital in your body, taking too much has negative consequences. Impacts resulting from taking a lot of red meat are cancer relating to the esophagus, pancreases, and lungs. In extreme circumstances, red meat has links with causing cancer of breast, stomach, bladder, and prostate. Therefore, to the lovers of red meat, you should watch out for the quantity, and those who take too much of it should reduce the content. Still, it will be more beneficial for those who can cut red meat in your diet or take less than 300g of cooked meat which the body can efficiently process.

· Inconsistent Sleep Patterns

Sleeping is significant for the body; not only does it allow you to rest, but it eliminates a lot of eventualities. Lack of enough sleep can contribute to vehicle accidents and reduce your body’s immunity. Generally, sleep deprivation has negative impacts than the benefits like reduction in cognitive functionality and poor decision making. You require to set an approximate amount of time which is standard for sleeping every day by sleeping and waking up at the similar time daily. Alternatively, you can apply meditative sleeping pattern techniques. Besides, you should avoid working, watching TV, and stressing communications some minutes before bedtime.

· Convincing yourself that What You Are Worrying About will Happen

It is evident that most people worry about themselves and their life too much, and the highest percent of individuals engage in the habit without noticing. Whenever you have too much stress, your body can suffer from chronic diseases, low immunity, and heart-related diseases. Meanwhile, if you are looking forward to living a long, happy, and stress-free life, it is high time you avoid worrying about the things you expect to happen.

Everything that bothers you is just the usual thought, and it should not convince you that it must happen. Now and then, you should take some time in isolation to breathe and relax and ask yourself whether there is any logic in your worries. Therefore, you will be able to separate unnecessary conviction from reality and facts. Otherwise, if you feel the concerns are too much to control or avoid, you can prefer to reach out to a life coach who would assist in overcoming the tendency.

· Regular use of Distractors to Numb Negative Thoughts

Every time you feel bored or uncomfortable, the world will always offer you a wide array of distractions that can numb the discomfort. You can take up your mobile devices and get to social media platforms and host yourself for as long as you feel like. Conversely, the distractions will not help ease the thoughts; instead, they bury the emotions like sadness or anger for some time, but they eventually erupt. Since you cannot pick and choose what you prefer to numb, you should let yourself cope with the mechanisms, and after the experiences, you can develop happiness.  If you have tried to adapt coping techniques to avoid fear and anxiety, it is time to talk to a life coach who would assist in coming up with effective strategies.

· Complaining too  Much

Engaging in complaints feels excellent and helps to acquire your achievements; however, too much of it is counter-productive. Whenever you think things are out of your control, you can consider tricking your brain into thinking you’re already doing something to solve it. Note that anytime you complain, you are not fixing the problem or issue at hand. 

Your brain cannot register everything that occurs in the surrounding environment, but you have the power to train it on what to absorb or avoid. Training the brain helps look for the basic patterns instead of what you do not like and prefer. Instead, whenever you find yourself complaining, you should focus on redirecting your attention to something positive about the situation. Alternatively, you can look up a plan that would assist in looking for the things you appreciate.

· Starting a Diet plan then Falling off

Taking a strict diet plan requires real sacrifice and routine where you embark on restrictive measures. Severally, you find yourself dieting to avoid being overweight or maintain a particular average. Nevertheless, even though you might dive into a specific plan, eventually tackling huge piles could lead back to the weight gain you were avoiding or what you had already lost. 

Consequently, you can focus on adopting eating habits that would sustain a healthy body weight without necessarily having to cut weight. In case you want to reduce the weight, you should be consistent in the plan without falling off, as the program would turn out to be in vain. Losing your desired weight does for complete deprivation from eating but requires you to build eating patterns.

In final thoughts, you can break off from the bad habits that can either limit or impact your life. Patience and consistency are vital in overcoming the behaviors and living a happy and fruitful life. A life coach will help you make a change and avoid a negative encounter limiting your success and freedom. Once you start the practice, your instincts will allow you to know whether it is positive or negative after one week.

source https://sweetlifecoach.co.uk/let-a-life-coach-help-you-stop-poor-habits-you-didnt-know-you-were-doing/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=let-a-life-coach-help-you-stop-poor-habits-you-didnt-know-you-were-doing

[jrbalufbfnzl]

I slept late yesterday n woke up at 9h30 bc my mom ws spamming my phone. I have to text wishes for my fam bc their granddad died and go to the pharmacy. Slept from 1 till almost 10 and didnt feel tired when i woke up. Ill try n b productive today im gna take my pills n walk the dogs. I also have to finish mty sisters drawing n listen to all her memos

I need to cut my hair i cannot stand the sensation

Thinking about having more tats n being anxious bout it for some reason

Ill try to be strong n turn away from food and hopefully as well ill be able to exercise but no food at ALL today sounds grear to me but no pills and no sleeping all day bc it ruins the mood

Didnt wake n bake but didnt meditate, im lazy to meditate thismorn. Been hanging on my phone for a lil more than an hour so ill just go out n do my stuff now

My dogs off her medication today i hope shell getbetter i cannot deal w the stress of her having a chronical serous disease.

I scratched my ears until they bled n couldnt hezr well yesterday

UPDATE : i managed to walk yhe first dog and fed both of em. Im waiting for my pills to kick to walk the second one. It was a struggle to get something non triggering to eat and im trying to wait as much as possible to eat. Days are fucking short anyways and ill xhabge my password and lockdown uvereats to not order some tonight maybe. Ill try and sleep early and stay strong and also get ready to see peeps and maybe feel a lil bit better but also i wanna stay alone. I cried a bit bc im ashamed to be so paralysed at 25 time is running fast and hezlth as well and the fall could be terrible idk. I felt anxious to walk both of the dogs at the same time or evenbto vring them to the parc or go to the pharmacy even tho its 5mins away n its kind of a nice walk. My stomach and intestine hurts tho. I hope ill manage to go to the pharmacy n exercise today n shave my hair n meditate and finish my sisters drzwing. Its not that much

UPDATE 2 : its 30 to 7 and i managed to cut my hair and walk the two dogs once. I feel zncious about walking them a second time but ill make it feed them then take them out.

My best friend made a post sayin that knowing otger people dezl w the same stuff as her is rezsuring so i ferl less guilty of "making it about me all the time" bc thats rly not what im trying to do and my bf told me i wzs incapable of listening so i guesd it fucked up my self apreciation.

Sometimes i feel like my bf is the only thing in his world and i also feel like its giod for him but at the same time i feel like im wrong znd im the one taking toi mych space. I have 0 sense of whats real and whats not and as soin as im thinkin ab smth that is not invalidating to me i kind of gaslight myself into thinking otherwise znd remarks my bf made repeatedly in the past arent helping. I have to finish my sistets drzwing walk the dogs n exercise. Today i felt anxious multiple times and wasnt really able to get out of bed. I didnt meditate first thing in the morning either whoch i shouldve. Im gonna try my psycholoist tomorrow to take another apt bc i missed the last one. I feel like a failure. Good thing is im not hubgry at all bc of aderall and stress so thats cool. Ill try ti go to the pharact tomorrow as well but even thibking about livin another dy and having stuff t do makes me rly anxious i feel incapable of having a routine.

Update 3 : did the drawing, hate it and i dont have my mind up to that. Esp sibce the dezdline is so close and i feel like my sisters work ethic is so abusive and self centered that i just dont have fuel to turn her idea into smth cooler and add detzils or a personal touch. I just dobt want to experiment w it and i hate doing it and it shows. I walked my first dog for the second time fed them both gave the last pill to my second dog abd im about to walk her out now. I feel shitty about my day.

Today my ideal me :

Wouldve woke up meditate exercise and took care of the dogs in a whistle withiut thinking to avoid building up unecessary anxiety and have the drawing done by thr end of the morning and went to the dog park and pharlacy afterwards anf make music.

If someone saw me from an outside perspective :

I think they would think that my depression is quite invalidating and that im just letting myself down completely

Today i did :

Nothing consistent but i feel like i did my best within my possivilities and i went above my lack of motivation to draw and rakr care of the dogs

I felt :

Down empty and dead anxious and tired.

I ate :

Two biscuits and a bubble tea

Tomorrow i'll :

Try to meditate and exercise and feed the dogs and get ready for what its worth and go out a little abd go to the pharmacy abd call my shrink and try to get sum weed even tho i shouldnt but the anciety is too much

Im grateful for :

Having the strenght to write stuff down znd maybe itll be the start of a routine

My shrink being so lame she accepted that i get surgery

The dogs remiding me that i rly shouldnt br like my parents and helping me reflec and remember on abuse and stuff

[caperantagonist]

thinkin bout my mental

the more i read about adhd from people who have it im like

i know im probably autistic and a lot of stuff crosses over but like. so much stuff for this makes sense to me do i id as adhd now? am i adhd/add? cutting bc im just thought vomiting

i feel like nothing fits me fully, its just most stuff. i have girl autism and a lot of adhd stuff but a lot of it crosses over and getting an actual diagnosis rn is impossible

adhd things i relate too hard to (symptoms according to health line cause I can’t find another comprehensive list)

- hyperfocus - lack of focus (I phase out of conversations all the time) - executive dysfunction (this is a RLY bad thing for me) - task planning (i have to manage everything bit by bit but also all at the same time and it can be very overwhelming. like, i have to do everything on one day or i die bc i dont wanna do things multiple days a week) - forgetfulness (brain go brrrrrrrr) - impulsiveness (i have to do things. like, idk why. i have to or i get in like, physical pain/i can’t do anything else its weird) - mood swings (idk if this is bpd or depression or adhd stuff, but small things like lag on voice/in game makes me SO STRESSED OUT) - poor self image (body dysmorphia hits hard) - anxiety and fidgeting (i stim a lot by holding stuff and folding it or making patterns with it, and I have Anxiety (tm) ) - fatigue (i have chronic fatigue and fibro so like, go figure) - bad health habits (I comfort eat to feel things and if i resist, even if its bc i literally can’t obtain the sweet treats bc of money, i feel like absolute shit. this swings back into impulsiveness) - body clock bad (Im currently sleeping from 6/7am till 4-6pm and its really bad)

but a lot of this stuff crosses with autism... like, the only thing that is deffo autistic the most about me is; - masking - difficulty following basic instructions (I need stuff spelled out for me, or I’ll do something I think is right but is actually wrong even though I thought i was doing it right. “why didnt’ you ask for help if you were confused?” i wasnt confused, bruh) - audio processing (THIS IS RLY BAD FOR ME... I NEED SUBTITLES ALL THE TIME...) theres stuff i do that goes against an adhd diagnosis tho; - i can make lists and break tasks down to make them more manageable and I tend to stick to it if Im doing ok (if not i executive dysfunction too much) - i’m like, super organized. too organized. (I caused my old housemates grief bc i organized everything into neat boxes to the point they couldnt find anything any more bc they couldnt process it, even tho it was clearly labeled to me. don’t even start me on minecraft chests... i do it compulsively, and I get big serotonin when everything around me is in its place) - time management; this one is a complicated one bc time is like an oiled ferret. i have it in my hands some times when im focusing on it rly hard, but then it gets away from me and i have to spend the next 3 hours coaxing it out from under the bed while i stare at my screen willing myself to go to bed before 7am. wait. shit. Im literally doing that now. I thought it was 5am?!!! - I never lose stuff (like, sometimes stuff goes missing but everything has its place and I know where stuff is, so like, I don’t ever lose stuff. sometimes i think i’ve lost something but its bc i didn’t look hard enough in its spot...) - task focusing at work (I hyper focus on tasks at work to the point I can’t task switch easily bc that thing i was doing isnt done yet and what do you mean you need this done now but also a customer needs serving?! make up ur damn mind) - I’m good at waiting my turn (maybe this is just me being from the uk tho. queue culture is life here) - cause i’m chonically tired/ill I’m not active/on the go at all, and i love just sitting in one spot for hours

i did a quiz on it and scored high, and it says i have moderate inattentive adhd/add... but what if its just overlapping symptoms? i was neglected at home/school, so i never had any basis for knowing these things about me when i was a kid...

[mangohealth]

Practical Tips for Parenting with Depression

Parenting with depression is often a lonely and overwhelming experience, whether you are doing it alone or with the help of a partner. Drawing from her own experience, health writer Lana Barhum shares her advice on how to be the best parent possible, in spite of depression.

I am no stranger to depression. I have struggled with it most of my adult life, and I know the lies with which depression can fill your mind.

I am no stranger to depression. I have struggled with it most of my adult life, and I know the lies with which depression can fill your mind. That you are a failure because you didn’t do everything you meant to, for instance, or that your kids deserve a better parent. Depression may even tell you everyone would be better without you.

But I also know that you can still be a good parent even when you feel like you have nothing left to give. Here's how:

 1. Learn your triggers. It has taken me years to understand my feelings and what triggers them. Every once in a while, my emotions may even lead to an outburst of anger, a panic attack, or a crying fit. Should this happen to you, try to reflect on what led you to feel upset in this way. Knowing my triggers helps me avoid them – or at least expect them – so I am better able to deal with how I reaction.

Lately, the news has been one of my personal triggers, as it can bring about feelings of hopelessness or lack of control. So I keep this in mind as I watch the news on television or read news stories online. I also manage my Facebook feed to exercise control over the information I see, and how it makes me feel.

It is okay to feel overwhelmed, sad, or anxious. It is even fine to need to shut down sometimes. But wouldn’t you rather avoid it if you could?

2. Let go of unrealistic expectations. You are not required to be a super parent every single day, with or without depression. Accept that you cannot always give 100%, and you may find it is beneficial to learn to live with what is "good enough". This can be a challenge when it appears that others have the perfect home, spouse, or life on Pinterest or Instagram. Remember that others have down moments too; they simply don’t often appear on social media.

Don’t impose unrealistic expectations on yourself, and learn to let go of what makes you insecure and pulls you down emotionally. Cultivate the spirit of being content with what you have; the three good things exercise is a good way to start introducing gratitude into your life every day.

 3. Take care of yourself. It is okay to feel overwhelmed, sad, or anxious. It is even fine to need to shut down sometimes. But wouldn’t you rather avoid it if you could? Prevent yourself from reaching a rundown place by avoiding the triggers you’ve identified, as well as keeping up with the basics like eating right, getting plenty of sleep, and staying active. This age-old wisdom may seem like common sense, but as a parent it’s easy to overlook making time for yourself.

No one is perfect, and understand that you may do or say the wrong thing from time to time...What is important is to transform any mistake to an opportunity to learn.

Self-care also includes asking for help when you need it. This can be an online or local support group, a close friend or family member, someone from your church, a mental health professional, etc. People that you trust can remind you that your feelings are normal, and they can also help you regain control when these emotions take hold.

 4. Live and learn. Be kind to yourself and your kids – even if they are teens who can sometimes drive you to the brink of insanity! No one is perfect, and understand that you may do or say the wrong thing from time to time.

Instead of judgmental thoughts like “Who’s to blame?” or “What went wrong?”, try approaching situations with neutral questions like “What are my available choices?” or “What should we do next time?” Asking learning-oriented questions promotes acceptance and more expansive thinking. What is important is to transform any mistake to an opportunity to learn.

 About the Author Lana is a freelance medical and health writer from Northeast Ohio. Having lived with rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia since 2008, Lana uses her experiences to share expert advice on various chronic illness and medical topics. She has written for a variety of online health publications, including the Alliance Health, Upwell, Medical News Today and The Mighty.

 If you liked this post, you may also like: - My Letter to the Single Parent With Chronic Illness - How to Entertain Kids When You’re Not Feeling Well - 4 Ways to Increase Your Mental Strength Every Day

 The posts on this blog are for information only. They are neither intended to substitute for a relationship with your doctor or other healthcare provider, nor do they constitute medical or healthcare advice of any kind. Any information in these posts should not be acted upon without consideration of primary source material and professional input from one’s own healthcare providers.

[actuallyadhd]

in ref to the ask u posted from saavok feb 21 - i've been a bit worried that i was misusing my meds since one of the biggest things they do for me is help me wake up and not sleep all day, but since seeing becca's answer mentioning that that's how they work for her too i feel a lot better! i wasn't sure if that was actually a part of me adhd but it didnt make sense otherwise since im pretty diligent about getting enough sleep

I’m glad my answer gave you some comfort! Being constantly tired despite getting enough sleep is something that I’ve dealt life pretty much all my life (although it started getting noticeably impairing in my teenage years), and none of the doctors I went to for it could really tell me anything useful. They told me it was a normal teenage thing, and to get enough sleep, and keep a regular sleep schedule. No matter how much I tried to convince them that I did get a lot of sleep but still just couldn’t keep myself from falling asleep in pretty much every class (or at my desk, or the dinner table, or on a bus, or on the floor…) they weren’t able to do anything about it. I tried everything, and nothing helped. Eventually doctors started telling me that some people are just tired all the time and that’s how they are. 

The fact that I was suddenly able to stay awake throughout the whole day and actually feel awake too was one of the very happy side effects of my medication. I brought this up with my doctor and we discussed how this is actually pretty common in ADHD. How awake we are is regulated by certain parts of our brains associated with the neurotransmitter dopamine, which some might recognize as one of the neurotransmitters that ADHDers have much lower levels of (note that this is a very simplified version of the neurobiology involved). This lack of dopamine makes it hard for our brains to control when we feel awake and when we feel tired (which can lead to chronic tiredness but also chronic insomnia, like it did in my case). ADHD medication like Ritalin or Adderall works by stimulating dopamine production and preventing re-uptake, making dopamine active for longer in our brains. These higher levels lead to a much more efficient regulation of awake states. 

This turned into a longer answer than I was anticipating, but I’m glad I could help you understand some of the causes behind your tiredness. I hope others recognize themselves in this too, and that it helps them find better solutions than most doctors will suggest. ADHD is so much more than just inattention and hyperactivity; I think that’s something people easily forget, and something we should definitely pay more attention to.

-Becca

[pastcloudfromffvii]

im giving it a shot, though. i feel like a total asshole for not realising the freezer didnt shut last night, and i just spent a couple of hours singing with ladies from chorus i haven’t seen since like. october basically, and now im back in bed even though its only 5pm. whining under the cut because ehhhh ive already typed it up so i might as well post it. if you could flick it a like if you do bother reading under the cut i’d appreciate it just so i know.

im gonna. try write up a resume i think. i’ve never had a working one because i have literally 0 experience lmao. but data entry is what i’m good at, i’m a fast typer and i’m pretty good when it comes to accuracy when proofing stuff and whatever. now i just have to convince winz that i do, in fact, know myself better than they do and that data entry is not only what my skills are geared toward, but also possibly the only thing i’m currently capable of. im not capable of full time work rn either which is another wrench in the works, but honestly i could probably pull off an 8 hour day of data entry right off the bat. i know mindless deskwork is soul killing for a lot of people but autism makes it perfectly fine for me honestly.

my favourite thing to do at school was just sit there and write down everything on the board, and also copy everything out of text books. i didnt retain a damn fucking thing but hell if i didnt enjoy physically doing it, other than cramp in my writing hand. i know not all data entry is like this.

i dont remember when my next appointment with my psychiatrist is but i have a feeling zex is going to deal with that for me if i haven’t recovered. i often forget that chronic fatigue is a thing that i experience personally, even though i talk about it a lot. there’s having daily limited energy, and then there’s my current situation. 

i know not all systems fit The Typical Layout that you get on trauma support sites and the dsm n shit but like? they always list at least one alter being combative, insofar as that they will argue against psychs n shit that the system doesnt need help and it took me forever to figure out that if we are Assigning Official Roles, that one’s zex. and im lucky in that they generally agree with my psych at least on the basics. he talks over me very easily but zex doesn’t give enough of a shit to let doctors talk over them so. that’s nice. zex is actually the driving force in us trying to get better, because the rest of us either 1 are afraid of help 2 could literally give less of a shit 3 want help and to be independent to some degree at least but dont know how to go about it (that one’s me)

and then theres... the social worker situation, which i dont even have the energy to resolve. battling for more than half a year now to get her to call a therapist for me because we’ve been over time and time again why i cant call myself is exhausting. she’s still totally convinced that idk im just trying to get out of calling or something. she hasnt even bothered with the “why does it matter if the therapist can hear your thoughts over the phone if youre going to be discussing deep stuff with them anyway” which would be a poor argument in itself lmao. i just, im so tired. im tired of the medical system and i’m tired of the severe lack of staffing which causes me to go months and months without a psych appointment and. just. i’m tired.

i just want to be Better and Functional already. the medication helps and boy do i feel it when i miss it (to be fair it doesn’t get worse than i used to be when i miss it for like a week, it just gets as bad as it was before i was medicated and its a pretty good reminder hah) but. idk. idk where i’m going with this. im just a useless asshole with no inherent worth right now as far as my opinion is concerned and i want to fix that but lying in bed on a sunday evening instead of doing any of the myriad things i could be doing to make the flat a little nicer a place to be for my flatmates isn’t helping anyone. but i can’t do anything about that right this second. 

and i can’t just sleep off this mood either because sleep is ‘wasting time’ and i cant fucking sleep when i decide to anyway. i wish my social worker would stop telling me that going for walks will fix my insomnia because it really fucking wont. i get out and go walkies as often as i can, and it is really good for you but Physical Exercise is not the be all and end all of all psychological problems. physical exhaustion doesnt put me to sleep, mental exhaustion does. but i dont know what healthy mental exhaustion looks like.

[itsrainingjellybeans]

Repeal the ACA?

This is in response to a FB post that someone commented a story about a Trump supporter who is now worried she will lose the ACA. The man commented that her story was BS and that hospitals HAVE to take care of everyone-”if they don’t kill you with malpractice”- that you can pay $10/month or file bankruptcy to pay for health care but that Obamacare is broken and imploding on itself with companies pulling out and premiums going sky high until it is basically catastrophic health care.  This is my response.

I speak as a nurse practitioner AND a patient with a complex genetic disorder AND as the mom of 2 kids with the same disorder that has presented in different ways so I've seen A LOT of doctors in a wide variety of specialities as well as worked in clinics and hospitals. I am personally and professionally offended by your statement that they are trying to kill you with malpractice. There are hundreds of thousands of doctors and nurses giving everything they have to keep people alive every single second in America. Hospitals don't try to kill you-Americans are doing a great job of that all by themselves- eating processed foods which are basically almost impossible to avoid in this country in 2017, not exercising adequately, not sleeping, texting while driving, stress and mental illness going untreated and our lack of community, compassion and humanity is eating away at our health. But let's say you only eat things you grow and you butcher and you are zen. Your body IS STILL going to start declining at about age 40. Yes, there are a lot of problems with our medical care system and a lot of idiots practicing medicine but MOST want to do well. The human body is very complicated and patients don't exactly do what they are told to do. Also think about it- if nurses and nurses are 99% accurate which is way above the average performance rate of most workers, that means they will make 1000's of mistakes a year and some of them will be deadly.

Now on the ACA argument: 1. Yes, hospitals are required by law to see EVERYONE for EMERGENCIES but only for emergencies. They don't have to see you for chronic psoriasis or a long term cough and they have no ability to care for you after the initial stabilization. There is no mandate to admit you for anything once you are stabile. SO while they must stabilize your diabetes if they are able to stabilize you in the ER, they can discharge you home and they have no mandate to help you with follow up. This is a huge hole in the often-repeated theory that "hospitals must care for everyone". 

2. In a lot of areas patients can't be seen by doctors if they don't have insurance. In other words, they won't even make an appointment for you if you are uninsured. There is no bill to pay off over time because you can't be seen. I had a patient with a grapefruit-sized tumor in her uterus. I saw her at the health department but nobody would see her for imagine to diagnose it further. NOBODY-because she was uninsured...except the ER -which is where I told her to go, but I doubt she went because how would she pay for treatment? The tumor was growing quickly so it wasn't going to turn out to be "nothing". 

3. Hospitals won't let you pay $10/week. They want a much higher percentage of the bill WITH a down payment and they want to negotiate the bill right NOW and you only get a small grace period before they are sending you to collections. 

4. The #1 cause of bankruptcy in America is medical expenses and THAT isn't a statistic to brag about. It is abhorrent that people can't access basic health care and that you think bankruptcy is a viable option to pay for health care. That it is more viable than fixing the problems with the ACA. America is the only developed country without guaranteed health care for ALL. 

5. In 2016 7 out of 10 returning Marketplace customers could get a plan for less than $75/month and 8 out of 10 for less than $100/month. In 2017 even with rate increases THOSE STATISTICS STILL STAND!!!!! 

6. The livable wage issue and part time vs. full time work issue is another topic but suffice to say that as long as corporations are controlling the GOP you will not see a living wage for workers outside corporate America. CEOs only care about their shareholders and the next corporate earnings call. That is about as far thinking as they get these days. 

7. 30M Americans have health care coverage because of the ACA. To take that away form them with nothing equal to replace it is inhumane and NOT how we do things in America. The fact is we could pay for single payer healthcare if we don't build a pointless was and cut taxes on the wealthy again. 

8. The ACA IS NOT Perfect. There is no doubt that a group of people in the middle class have extremely high premiums and that has to be fixed. But keep in mind that issues wouldn't be a there if the GOP hadn't kept the mandate out of the law. A lot of the problems that the GOP sees with the ACA are problems they brought to the table. They have had 7 + years to come up with a plan and they can't. 

9. One thing that has them really pissed off is that when ACA was first implemented they did a great job of getting RushRadio and FoxTV to sing a song and dance that the ACA was horrible before Americans had a chance to use the program.For a few years it worked. Obamacare had a bad reputation but over time, as people finally got the health care they long needed, the perception changed. People realizes that health care is a wonderful thing to have and not the evil, sinister thing the GOP sold them in 2009 and 2010. It was mind-blowing to me to watch Americas argue that health care coverage for all was a horrible thing and something they didn't want. Thankfully it was all GOP Propaganda marketing and when American's got health care coverage, that view changed dramatically. The GOP wasn't watching. Nope, they were still over in their corner-using their cadillac plans to care for themselves and their family- thinking Americans still hated Obamacare and a repeal was a slam dunk. I think Trump had it on his Day 1 agenda or close. Unfortunately for them the push back at the grassroots level has been spectacular. My Deep-As-They-Come Republican Representative has changed his song for a HARD REPEAL to Repeal with Replacement. If this corporate-owned politician who has voted 27 times to repeal the ACA can change his tune, they all can. Our new goal is to get him to FIX not REPEAL. 

10. One thing that has been expensive for insurance companies has been the fact that many people who signed up for ACA have long-standing, untreated health problems which means a lot of catching up with therapies, doctors, medications, etc. It takes a lot of resources to get them back to health and that is costing the insurance companies a lot of money. Another problem is the insurance companies didn't use a model that allowed them to be profitable under these conditions. Medicaid and Medicare have long been examples of efficient and cost effective health coverage and a few insurance companies are doing well under the ACA, but those who failed did so at their own fault by not following the lead of Medicaid and Medicare. Seven years into the program, some are figuring out how to make a profit in this environment. 

Why would it make sense to throw out ACA and start over? This reminds me of the old saying "don't throw the baby with the bathwater". We need to fix the problems not start over or as Ryan and the GOP want, give Americans Health Savings Accounts which is so stupid I can't even comment on that here. Why would anyone expect legislation this large, one that profoundly changes the way our society functions would be perfect in its first form? Why would anyone expect that health care coverage on this magnitude wouldn't need twerking and even major fixes during its initial years? As for companies leaving the exchange- Aetna left the program simply as punishment when the Obama administration refused to approve their merger with Cigna. That was all politics. Some companies are trying to put pressure on the system to allow them to sell across state lines because that allows them to go to states with fewer regulations so they can offer less coverage -another example of a company relocating simply to improve their bottom line and not that of their customers. 

There are many stories of people who wouldn't have any coverage if not for ACA .Clearly you fall into the group that is paying ever increasing premiums and deductibles and it essentially becomes catastrophic coverage. That needs to be corrected. But 30M people rely on the ACA and there are millions of stories of lives being saved because of that coverage. 

Let's talk about how hospitals feel. Hospitals can't go back to the old system where 30M people didnt have coverage and therefore the hospital is left with 30M unpaid bills. Imagine how you would keep your business open if people who owed you thousands of dollars were paying $10 a month. It isn't a sustainable business model, even for public and university hospitals. They rely on Medicaid and Medicare to help pay for services and they do not want to see ACA repelled. Frankly, neither do the insurance agencies because to repeal without a viable robust replacement is going to create a chaos that they don't want to see either.

It only makes sense to go to single-payer healthcare. We are the only developed country who doesn’t take care of its citizens in this way. Medicare and Medicaid have proven very efficient methods of health care giving us a model to build upon. Health care has become yet another system that is easily accessed by the upper middle class and up and something the lower middle class and those in poverty struggle to get. Even children are often left out as Dentists rarely take Medicaid. I have cared for many kids who come in for their yearly physicals with holes cavities in their teeth so big I can see them from across the room and I cannot imagine how painful that was before the cavity ate the root away. Children...suffering because American’s can’t agree on Single-Payer Healthcare. We need to step up.