#christian tarting

[ozkar-krapo]

Jacques DIENNET

"Mante"

(2LP box. Hat Hut rcds. 1987 / rec. 1984/86) [FR]

[marcogiovenale]

28 sept., saint-etienne-les-orgues: une aventure d'images et de mots

click to enlarge _

[tomicscomics]

05/13/2024

A suffocating childhood?!

___

JOKE-OGRAPHY: 1. The Source: This cartoon is based on a question St. Joan received during her trial. Before I explain it, here's the story from the original manuscript (translated by W. S. Scott): "Questioned concerning her father's dreams, she replied that when she was still with her father and mother, she was often told by her mother that her father had said that he dreamed his daughter Jeanne would go off with the soldiers; and that her mother and father took great care to keep her safely; that they were very strict with her; and that she was always obedient to them save in the incident at Toul, the action for [breach of promise of] marriage. She said further that she had heard her mother say that her father had said to her brothers: If I thought that such a thing could happen as I have dreamed, I should want you to drown her; and if you did not, I would drown her myself. And that she greatly feared that they would lose their minds when she left to go to Vaucouleurs. Asked if his thoughts and dreams had come to her father after she had her visions, she replied: Yes, more than two years after she first heard the voices." 2. Summary: In short, Joan's judges have heard that her father had prophetic dreams about her leaving home. She tells them what she knows based on what her mother told her, including that her father would prefer to have her drowned than let her go off with the army as he dreamed. 3. Location Change: For those wondering, after the 6th session of Joan's questioning, some of her assessors became too busy to consistently attend sessions, so Bishop Cauchon decreed they'd hold future sessions in her cell to make things easier. 4. The Name "Tart": First off, Jacques' last name was spelled a lot of different ways in old French (Darc, Dars, Dart, Darx, Tart, Day, and probably more). Joan didn't actually use his last name, because in her village, girls took their mother's last name, but we assign it to her nowadays anyway. In modern French, Jacques' surname is spelled d'Arc (the apostrophe is a late addition). However, when brought into English, translators assumed the d-[apostrophe] meant "of" like most names with that prefix, so Jeanne d'Arc became Joan of Arc, despite there not being a place called Arc for her to be of. In this cartoon, I used the spelling "Tart" for Jacques' surname, because W. S. Scott determined it to be the most authentic form of the patronymic, according to his sources. Also, it allowed me to make the joke in Panel 3, "I'm off to become a REAL tart!" Jacques is dreaming that Joan will run off to become a prostitute, and in addition to "Tart" being his surname, "tart" is also an old word for prostitute. 5. The Dream: Jacques shares a bit in common with St. Joseph, as both are hard-working men from simple towns, and both experience important dreams about their miracle children. However, while St. Joseph understands and responds to his dream with a generous yes, Jacques doesn't fully understand his dream and tries to prevent it from coming true. Back then, some women would follow armies around so they could prostitute themselves when the soldiers made camp. Many authors believe that Jacques' feared this would be Joan's fate, and that he never suspected that her true fate was to become a general of war. He told his sons he would prefer her to be drowned than for his dream to come true, probably meaning that he'd rather she die than lose her soul in the sinful life he thought he foresaw.

[agentnico]

Unfrosted (2024) review

This film gave me Movie 43 vibes. Believe me that is not a good comparison to have.

Plot: Michigan, 1963. Kellogg's and Post, sworn cereal rivals, race to create a pastry that will change the face of breakfast forever. A tale of ambition, betrayal, sugar, and menacing milkmen.

Hollywood has recently been really into telling backstories of famous commercial products, from BlackBerry’s to the legal battle behind the Tetris game, to Air Jordans. That’s right, we had a movie about Nike shoes - actually wasn’t a bad movie but seems strange thinking I spent two hours of my life learning about a shoe creation. Arguably the best of these recent product movies was The Founder, that told the story of McDonalds and how it was bastardized by Ray Crock (played by an energetic Michael Keaton), who transformed it into the soulless conglomerate it is today. I wouldn't call it a glowing endorsement of the modern day restaurant, but it really made for a solid and engaging cinematic narrative. Now cometh Netflix’s Unfrosted, a tale of how the popular Pop-Tart snack came to be, however here’s the catch - it’s made by Jerry Seinfeld.

As such, rather than being a cohesive unravelling of real life events, this primarily is a comedy. So much so that the story itself is so thin, and instead Seinfeld takes us from one skit to the other in hopes of getting a chuckle or two. Look, I’m not going to sugarcoat it, this movie ain’t worth eating for breakfast. It feels like a bunch of poor Saturday Night Live jokes thrown together, with 90% of it being unfunny. It’s a shame really as everyone involved seems to be having a wonderful time, but it doesn’t translate well as a whole package.

The one moment I actually got a kick out of was the Mad Men reunion. It was a totally unexpected cameo, and though I found it amusing, I’m very aware it’s going to piss of die-hard fans of the show, who may accuse this to be a cheap nostalgia gimmick that disrespects the show’s legacy. But honestly, I’ve seen a couple of seasons of Mad Men myself, and though it’s a very well written piece of TV drama, Jon Hamm’s character is not so sacred that it can’t be used in comedy. And yes his and John Slattery’s appearance in Unfrosted was absolutely out of left-field, but this random surprise really got me. It was silly yet at the same time utterly delightful.

What’s really crazy is how many famous faces agreed to be in this movie. A lot of the comedians have walked in straight from SNL, so their presence makes sense, and Melissa McCarthy, well, it’s Melissa McCarthy. Sort of expect this from her by now. However there are some genuinely talented people here from the likes of Christian Slater to Dean Norris to Hugh Grant, which makes you wonder what Seinfeld had on them to get them to agree to be in this. Must say though I did get slight entertainment from noticing every time another famous face showed up.

Overall Unfrosted is a mess. There’s high Cat in the Hat level colourful energy to its stupidity, with so much randomness thrown at you, but in no way is this a good movie. Can hardly even call it a movie to be honest. Then again after experiencing Jerry Seinfeld’s beestiality in Bee Movie don’t really know what else I expected.

Overall score: 2/10

[zombyvamp]

happy mother's day to the mommy ever

[raspberryjellybrains]

I think the closest we can get to touching God, feeling it in our corrupted little human hands, dirty since original sin, dirty since the stars came alive and the fruit was taken, dirty since first we left the right hand of the Creator, is to sit in a thunder storm and let it all wash off. everything you are and were and thought might be is not, because you are dirty and soil everything you touch of the Holy and the Divine and the Word. God is the boom before the flash, it moves through in waves and sheets that batter your weak and failing mortal flesh and leaves all the sweeter for the pain, apples and plums on the ground to ripen for consumption by the divine you were born to feed. you feel the wind whip your hair and clothes and spirit far away, far into the stars and you know that some part of you has Felt God, really, really felt it. You are the lamb and the knife and the altar upon which it is sacrificed as your blood juice wine flows thick and free with rivulets of pure, pure water. the second closest we can get is to take such a nice stretch that makes you go oughgwougwoughu.

[millenniumkrp]

𓆩⟡𓆪 - - -𝙒𝙀𝙇𝘾𝙊𝙈𝙀 𝙏𝙊 𝙏𝙃𝙀 𝙉𝙀𝙒 𝙈𝙄𝙇𝙇𝙀𝙉𝙉𝙄𝙐𝙈 !

the following have been accepted, and have 48 hours to add our admin team: millennial and zoomer. let's kick it !

itzy's shin ryujin

the boyz's lee juyeon

le sserafim's huh yunjin

seventeen's xu minghao (the8)

snsd's tiffany young

soloist hur hyunjun

txt's choi yeonjun

nct's lee jeno

nct's zhong chenle

stray kids' lee felix

blackpink's park chaeyoung (rosé)

the boyz's kim sunwoo

stray kids' hwang hyunjin

soloist christian yu (dpr ian)

the boyz's choi chanhee (new)

aespa's yu jimin (karina)

stray kids' bang chan

the boyz's lee jaehyun (hyunjae)

nct's huang renjun

nct's na jaemin

itzy's hwang yeji

nct's lee donghyuck (haechan)

[skepticle]

Lippies

[thekylemeredith]

#Unfrosted, which arrives on Netflix on Friday, is easily one of the funniest movies I've seen in a while and it was great to talk with Spike Feresten about reuniting with Jerry Seinfeld to tell the story of Pop-Tarts.

At Consequence or podcasts.

[marcogiovenale]

une aventure d'images et de mots, 28 sept., saint-etienne-les-orgues

  click to enlarge _  

[twilightcitysky]

Hi, no babe, I'm sorry, you can't just cross this out and then leave, what the fuck does this mean??? Get your ass back here and explain yourself?????

Oh my friend! Settle in for the story of the Book of Enoch! It's an apocryphal Hebrew text, excluded from formal canon (Jewish and Christian) but still considered canon by some Ethiopian Orthodox churches.

Crib notes version: 200 angels decided that human women were hot and made a pact with each other that they'd down to Earth, take them as wives, and make babies with them. Their sins included fornication and distribution of forbidden knowledge, including sorcery (okay, fair) and cosmetics (because God doesn't like it when people get tarted up, I guess).

Their children were the Nephilim, which has been translated as giants. These human-angel hybrids consumed all available resources and then turned on each other in cannibalism. God got pissed off and decided to send a flood to kill everyone but Noah BUT ESPECIALLY TO KILL THE NEPHILIM. Like, that's the reason the flood HAPPENED, THAT'S the sin God was mad about.

Additional points: the messenger between God and these bad angels is Enoch, Noah's grandfather. Enoch later ascends (God plucks him up, takes him to Heaven and sticks wings on him, literally this is what happens) and gets renamed as:

(ominous music)

THE METATRON.

[gigiprinceton]

After our tour of Odesa, Fluffy and I decided to take an overnight train to Kyiv… We were both pretty much wiped out from our day in Odesa that we both managed to sleep almost all the way to Kyiv…

When our train pulled into the station in the morning, and before we departed Fluffy mentioned to me that the weather is noticeably cooler in Kyiv than in Odesa and that it may be a good idea to change my outfit… Living in Florida, I don’t get to much of a chance to wear many of my beautiful sweaters so with this weather it's just what the doctor ordered..

Fluffy hailed a taxi as soon as we left, and then we drove from the station to the heart of Kyiv..  Maidan Nezalezhnosti or Independence Square… I was so taken back by this amazing open air square.. And right there in the center was the huge marble Independence Monument built in 1991 commemorating Ukraine’s independence.. The square itself is so full of life, energy, fun, and the smell of food was everywhere… I Love It!

As we began walking down Khreshchatyk Street we decided to stop at a local café and grab a quick cappuccino, for we kinda had a long walk to visit the Golden Gate, which Fluffy explained that it’s the main gate to ancient Kyiv.. 

Wow.. Ancient is right.. Fluffy explained that this gate was reconstructed in 1982 but the original gate had begun building way back in 1017.. I can’t even imagine what it was like to live back then..

As we left the Golden Gate we could see the St. Sophia Cathedral and St. Michael's Golden-Domed Monastery not to far away which is where we were going to visit next.. It was a short walk and the weather was clean and crisp..

As we entered the monastery I got a special feeling of calm, peace, and tranquility that seemed to surround me as I gazed upon all the beauty this monastery holds..  Right across from it is the Cathedral of St. Sophia which Fluffy explained also began being built around the same time as the Golden Gate back in the 11th century…  As we entered the cathedral I was quite taken back by the amazing mosaics and frescoes covering the walls and ceilings actually dating back to the 11th century. As we walked though the cathedral Fluffy explained to me that the St. Sophia cathedral is the most ancient Christian church fully preserved in all of the Eastern Slavic countries, and it became the actual birth place of Kyivan Christianity, statehood and culture.   Wow.. Talk about a history lesson, but y'all know how much I love history…

After we finished St. Sophia’s Cathedral, Fluffy wanted to show me an amazing glass bridge that connected two parks which span over the Saint Volodymyr Descent. I asked Fluffy before we left if we may take a taxi, because I had been walking in heels all day long and I really needed a slight break..

After we arrived and began walking out over the bridge I was amazed when I caught the wonderful view of the Dnipro River, and the slopes of Kyiv opening up to give us a simply spectacular view… 

The view of the Dnipro was just so beautiful that I just had to ask Fluffy if he wouldn’t mind taking a stroll with me along the embankment once we exited the bridge..

As the sun was setting we both felt ourselves getting a little hungry and since there were many restaurants all along the Dnipro we found and chose to go to “Hutorets”… Where we were led up to the open-air terrace on the second floor which opened up to a stunning panoramic view of the Dnipro River.

While we were both looking over the menu, Fluffy had recommended to me that I should try the Ukrainian national dish… "Borscht"..  Now I have heard of it but had never tried it so I felt it wise to ask Fluffy to order for me.. While we waited, Fluffy and I chatted about many things over appetizers and spoke of our plans on our next excursion, which would be to Bukovel …

My just eyes lit up at a beautiful work of art that was placed before me as we were served… And as I brought the spoon to my lips I just couldn’t get over the amazing sweet and tart taste that pleasantly tickled my taste buds... I believe there is nothing better than an original dish prepared in the country of its origin..

What an amazing day.. What an amazing night..  And its all due to my good friend Fluffy and his wonderful company this whole trip..

With Gratitude, Credit, and Many Many Thanks to @fluffyfaza

[drconstellation]

Once and Future Royalty

Just, stay with me on this one. I know its going to look crazy at the start, but trust me, I know where I'm going.

It all started with the 537AD scene in Wessex in the opening montage of "Hard Times," S1E3. Yeah, the one where Aziraphale is supposed to be a knight of the Round Table and Crowley is role-playing the Black Knight, and they are both so super-squeaky shiny clean - not a speck of dirt or mud on them. wtf! It looks out of place, unrealistic, and was bugging the crap out of me, like a stone in your shoe. It just didn't fit. I mean, why put a myth, a legend, into that sequence? Oh, OK, yeah, the preceding stories from the Bible, like the Garden of Eden and the Flood, aren't "myths" as well, you say? Hmm. In the context of the Good Omens AU, being a biblical based story, they belong there far more than the legend of King Arthur.

King Arthur, who supposedly united Britain under his rule during the late 5th century and early 6th century, was shown to have the divine right to rule by wielding the mighty sword Excalibur. Some stories tell of Arthur pulling Excalibur from a stone. Some tell of him receiving Excalibur from the Lady of the Lake. Either way, it was bestowed upon him by divine grace. Despite his triumph in battle, he left no heirs, as his queen, the fair Guinevere, was barren. She had a long-running love affair with the greatest knight of the court, Sir Lancelot, but despite this being an open secret in court Arthur would not put her aside. The knights of the Round Table in the court of Camelot were near-paragons of Christian virtue, and there are many tales of their search for the Holy Grail, the cup from the Last Supper of Jesus Christ.

In the end, mortally wounded in battle, Arthur was taken away for healing, and never seen again. It was said he would return when Britain was at it most direst hour to save the day once more. A "messianic" return.

The Once and Future King.

Now, I'm no Arthurian novice; I drank up all of T. H. White as a teenager, read the Dark is Rising multiple times, Marion Zimmer Bradley's interpretation and what ever else I could lay my hands on for a good couple of decades. And there is LOTS of King Arthur stuff around. You are not left wanting for anything new to read or consume. And I'll bet there are a fair few of you also out there who know a quite bit about the legend as well. Oh, and I can't tell you how many times I have watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I still walk around quoting it day-to-day, like the good little Gen-Xer I am, having grown up on that stuff. So I really should have listened to my intuition when bits of Monty Python kept popping up in my brain in response to other parts of GO I was thinking about. (Staaay, I said, stay with me here....)

I kept chewing away furiously on the Wessex problem, growling in feral frustration at it, but also kept reading and sorting out some other ideas and metas at the same time. Eventually I found the key in a tiny little post, about a small detail in the 1941 Blitz episode S2E4, of all places. I wanted to slap myself with how much was staring me in the face so obviously once the door opened. And the damn beauty of it is, that I already written about some it, out of context, without knowing the why.

OK. Where to start this journey...hmmm, back to Monty Python, because, guess what - the Wessex scene is actually riffing off one the more famous skits out the the Holy Grail. The scene is a masterpiece of political satire, from start to finish, but the relevant part here is this sequence:

In case you missed the salient points: Arthur claims he is king by divine providence, because he was given Excalibur by the Lady of the Lake. Dennis the peasant protests this waterlogged method of determination, mentioning ponds, watery tarts and a moistened... well, I hope you get the idea about where this is going.

Meanwhile, in 537AD, Wessex, as the mist swirls around them:

"It is a bit damp," complains a shiny silver Aziraphale.

Yes, Excalibur would be a bit damp after it emerged from the Lake. (vidavalor! Get your mind out of the gutter! I'm trying to have a serious discussion here! Please! And I wasn't even going to go anywhere near what the sword in the stone is really meant to be referring to...it's not even relevant to the discussion at hand, I swear! Well, there is going to be sexual relations mentioned but - oh, never mind...)

Right. Where were we. Lets leave those super-clean elite pretendy knights to swim off through the swirling mist back to their dry homes to write and file reports to head office, along with Patsy and the hired Igors, and Dennis can keep playing in his lovely muddy filth after he finishes protesting being repressed by the divinely-deluded Arthur. I've got a bit more to say about what Aziraphale and Crowley might represent here later but you need some more context first, so lets move on. I just needed to show you the first bit so you can see the Arthurian theme stretches across both S1 and S2, and will likely appear in S3 as well. More about that towards the end.

Ah, before I forget...another ref from the Holy Grail we need to cover:

This GIF, unfortunately, doesn't have the full exchange between the peasants, which is this:

P1: "Who's that then?" P2: "I don't know. Must be a king." P1: "How can you tell?" P2: "Because he doesn't have any shit on him."

Ah. Er. OH!

Have you made the connection?

Who have I been emphasizing as being unusually clean in their Arthurian setting? That's right, Aziraphale and Crowley.

What's this implying? That they are royalty. Celestial royalty. Maybe not kings, but how about princes? You know how we've been discussing whether Crowley was a once at least an Archangel, and there is even a hint that he was a fallen prince of Heaven given during the replay of Gabriel's trial? (Not the prince, but a prince - a seraphim) And that Aziraphale may have once been Raphael, and may be again in the future? Once and future royalty. To me it adds weight to the past discussion, and helps to explain the assumed authority expressed in these two scenes here: On the left, Aziraphale takes control inside the book shop as the angels and demons argue who is going to punish Gabriel and Beelzebub (finally found it after several months!) and on the right, Crowley is shouting at the assembling demons in the street that they are "out of order."

Onward, Patsy. (I hope you're still with me.)

1941, the Blitz part 2, minisode.

We've found Excalibur! On to Camelot!

[Edit note: I've added a few GIFs and screen shots into the sequence of parallels above because I was thinking over a few things since I posted and felt this actually sat better. To try and explain, as they don't exactly match as I would like, in the Holy Grail movie, King Arthur and the knights he has gathered rock up at the foot of Camelot and gaze up in awe at it. "Camelot!" Arthur declares to the party. "Camelot!" Galahad echoes in excitement. And a third "Camelot!" comes from Lancelot. What do we get in GO? Aziraphale leaps out of the Bentley (Crowley's black horse) and declares "The theater! Sophocles! Shakespeare!" I swear, if you put the two side by side, they would match. It's not just a reminder of how much time Aziraphale has seen pass by, or that we are seeing a tragedy play out. But damn it, I could so just see Aziraphale attending a Sophocles performance in Athens back in the day...]

Camelot was King Arthur's castle and home of his court. In S2 of GO the Windmill Theater is established as our court of Camelot where our 1941 Blitz-era Arthurian drama is to play out, involving Furfur and the zombies.

Yes, poor old Furfur. Two's company, three's a crowd, as they say. Now we know we're in Camelot, we need to be reminded of the central tragedy of the Arthurian story, that ultimately led to the golden kingdom's fall. Lady Guinevere, Arthur's queen, famously loved Sir Lancelot, and the two were passionate lovers. It was essentially a love-triangle at the top, with Arthur being jilted, but he wouldn't/couldn't discard his queen. Where do we see this playing out in 1941?

Furfur, pleased with himself for catching an angel and a demon in the act of consorting together (with the help of the zombies,) barges into the backstage dressing room, and confronts the lovers with their crime. But who is playing who in the Arthurian love triangle? I would say Furfur is clearly caught in the role of Arthur here. Consider the following exchange:

FURFUR: Hmm, well, well, well… What have we here? AZIRAPHALE: Sorry, have we met? FURFUR: Oh, no, you never had the pleasure, but… we have, haven't we? CROWLEY: Have we? FURFUR: What do you mean "have we?" You know we have. We were in the same legion. Just before the Fall. Doing dubious battle on the plains of Heaven. Remember? CROWLEY: I remember going into battle, I don't remember being there with you. Sorry. FURFUR: I was right next to you. We did loads together. You use to jump on me back, little monkey in the waistcoat. Anyway, whether you do or whether you don't, it doesn't matter. I'm here to inform you, as a representative of the Higher Powers of Hell, that you, Crowley, are in breach of the Infernal Code. Consulting and collaborating with an angel, Fell the Marvelous, aka… [opens book] Azirapalala. Azirapapap. Aziphapalala. AZIRAPHALE: [annoyed] Aziraphale

Furfur claims a past intimate relationship with Crowley, which Crowley spurns offhandedly. Crowley is playing Guinevere here, jilting Furfur/Arthur, which leaves the demon-smiting Aziraphale standing in for the handsome hero Lancelot (with his French connections, no less), and doesn't he make us weak at the knees when he drops his voice an octave in dominating disgust. (Is it suddenly getting hot in here...? Phew!)

Interestingly, looking back in S1 at 537AD Wessex, though, I would say that Crowley was Lancelot as the Black Knight, a role that Lancelot sometimes played in the legends, and Aziraphale would then be the fair maiden Guinevere. It certainly plays into Crowley's long term role of playing the knight who comes to the rescue of Aziraphale's princess in distress. Excalibur was no where in sight, perhaps still beneath the waters of the lake. Nor Arthur. Perhaps it was still too early in the story then...

I had originally suggested in my very first post that Furfur was given a stag as his demon avatar because he was wearing horns for being cuckolded by Crowley. But I wasn't quite thinking about it in context with the Arthurian legend! The stag is also often associated with royalty, plus while wandering around the medieval bestiary website that someone linked to, it interestingly notes that the enemy of the snake is the stag and the stork (Shax's avatar.) Ah ha!

So how can we extrapolate this knowledge into a possible appearance of the Arthurian theme in S3?

Will we see the love triangle of Arthur/Guinevere/Lancelot come back into play and cause more chaos? I'm wondering if it might have something to do with the Fall.

Or will our lovers bring down a divinely-appointed ruler via their committed behind-the-back defiance of expected propriety?

Will Excalibur appear from beneath the waters, perhaps in another form, to declare a new king?

Could it even be a combination Jesus/Arthur, King of the World, returned? And they turn out to be a very naughty boy, disappearing into the night clubs of Times Square, New York, and that's how they lose him? (Social media viral sensation, anyone?)

I wouldn't be half-surprised if Greasy Johnson's name turns out to be Arthur, actually.

And no, I haven't forgotten that Adam's dad was named Arthur as well.

Bring on S3!

**Bonus**

If you've made it this far and you're thinking:

Let me leave you with this last connection.

In the back stage change room, remember Furfur delivers these lines:

FURFUR: What do you mean "have we?" You know we have. We were in the same legion. Just before the Fall. Doing dubious battle on the plains of Heaven. Remember?

On the first level, he is referring the Great War in the Good Omens AU.

On the second level, Furfur is paraphrasing Milton's Paradise Lost.

On a third level, I can (and will in a future meta) connect this back to the training initiative paintball fight at Tadfield Manor in S1.

And even deeper on a fourth level, if you do know the Holy Grail movie well, you'll remember there is an odd little subplot in it, that infers that the whole King Arthur and his knights thing is merely a full-on violent cosplay that is murderously rampaging across the countryside in the present day with the police in hot pursuit. It's a strange juxtaposition between reality and dream, and you aren't quite sure what it is real or not. The ending is bizarrely and abruptly surreal as the two story lines collide in the heat of battle, as the police turn up and arrest the combatants. A bit like this:

[ourfatherwhoartinhell]

Love, Eternal // [Part I]

Pairing | Phantom x Sister!Reader

Word count | 937

⚠️ Warnings | Reader uses she/her pronouns, (y/n) is used once. There is a small ritual scene. TW for murder ghouls, blood, injuries, assault, violence, and death.

Plot Summary: Today was Phantom's summoning day, a special occasion akin to a birthday. Eager to surprise him with a homemade cake, you realize you're missing ingredients and head into town. On the way back, you encounter trouble with some members of the Catholic church that changes the course of your life in the Ministry - and with Phantom - forever.

A/N: THIS FIC IS SAD AF OK, it has a happy ending tho! I'm so sorry my dearest Phantom, he's everyone's punching bag. This is my first time writing a ghoul x reader fic, hopefully it's ok! It will have 4 parts 🖤

Today was a very special day, it was Phantom’s summoning day! Or ‘birthday’ as it was called on the surface. You were so excited to put your baking skills to use and surprise the young ghoul with his first homemade birthday cake, knowing how much he loved anything sweet. 

You and Phantom had a special connection. Ever since he first laid his eyes on you during his summoning ritual, he knew you were made for him. While it’s well documented that ghouls struggle with possessive tendencies, this wasn’t anything like that. Phantom simply liked your aura, it made him feel calm and safe.

Heading down into the kitchen, you smiled as you excitedly skipped through the long hallway, eager to get started. You had asked Swiss and Rain to keep Phantom busy all day so he wouldn’t spoil his own surprise - you learnt your lesson from the unfortunate incident last year. It was a daunting task, but you tried to have faith in Rain to succeed at the very least.

The kitchen was empty for the most part, save for a couple water ghouls finishing off the last of the dishes from today's wonderful lunch service. Laying out the ingredients for the cake on the large table, you took stock of what you had, making sure not a single item was missing before you started.

“Milk… flour… sugar… blah, blah,” you counted. “For Satan's sake, who leaves 1 singular egg in the carton. I’ll strangle them.”

Apart from the main ingredients, the kitchen staff had accidentally borrowed your blueberries for the delicious fruit tarts they made for dessert. You were now short on berries, as well as missing a couple of eggs and purple food colouring. You wanted to add some purple to represent his Quintessence and his pretty violet eyes.

“Hey guys,” you called over to the water ghouls at the sink. “Do you mind making sure no one touches the ingredients on the table? They’re for Phantom’s summoning day cake. I’ll be right back for them, I just have to run to the store.”

The two ghouls nodded, hearing a murmur of ‘sure’ and ‘no problem!’ as you wrote down the list of missing ingredients on a napkin, stuffing it into the pockets of your long skirt. You made your way through the halls of the basement towards the ghoul den, wanting to inform the two ghouls holding Phantom hostage of the delay.

Once Swiss and Rain were up to speed, you briefly told Copia that you were on your way into town to grab the remaining ingredients - and ultimately of what you were doing for Phantom. Copia thought it was a fantastic idea and wished you a safe trip, making you promise to let him know when you’ve returned safely.

You threw a light shawl over your shoulders and donned some sturdier walking shoes than your usual Ministerial flats, before passing through the large front doors to begin the walk into town. 

The Ministry did have cars at one point, the previous Sister Imperator thought they would be a good way to promote the teachings of Ghost. However, they became a financial burden anytime someone took them to town. The Christian protestors never failed to make their displeasure known, the cars often returning with smashed windows, slashed tires, or spray painted threats. The few vehicles they had always came back in all states of disrepair 

The town was a solid 25 minute walk, but it was decided to be a far better alternative. The remaining vehicles were then gifted to the Fire ghouls who skillfully turned them into beautiful, ornate gothic lawn ornaments and statues. One vehicle was kept exclusively for the Ministry’s weekly grocery runs. The Siblings in the kitchen were now always accompanied by no less than 2 of the older, more experienced ghouls when they made their trip.

Your walk was majorly uneventful. It was a nice autumn day with the perfect temperature. The sun was peeking through the odd fluffy batches of clouds. Birds in the trees surrounding the walkway were happily chirping. Once you reached the town limit, the quaint shop was the first building on the right-hand side. You expertly navigated the store, gathering all the missing ingredients. 

The Sisters of Sin were often mistaken for the Sisters of the Catholic congregation down the road. The cashiers would always smile brightly, and wish God’s blessing upon you as you paid for your items. You couldn’t really blame them for the mistake. Apart from small differences in accessories, the habit worn by you and your Sisters was all but identical to the Christians.

“And may the truth of Saint Lucifer be shown to you,” you quietly mumbled. Smiling kindly towards the cashier, you placed the ingredients in the bag hung over your shoulder and exited the store.

The sun began to set as you made the long trek back to the Ministry. Even in the dark, you never felt scared as you walked the unlit path through the forest. You knew there were always a couple Earth ghouls out in these woods. Tending to the trees, plants and animals, the ghouls that happened to be close to the path acted as the Siblings personal security guards. Monitoring changes in scent, or identifying potential dangers as the Siblings made their way through the forest.

Once you reached the end of the path, you turned the corner to make the final march up the gravel driveway. Making your first steps through the open iron gate, you noticed you were being followed.

“Peace be upon you, Sister. If we can even call you that.”

[Next]

[jeannereames]

Was Alexander in love with Roxane? As far as I understand, Plutarch, Diodorus, Justin and Arrian mention that Alexander was in love with Roxane, she is the only wife he is said to have been in love with. Is there any truth to that? I have seen people question it, but they are the same people who say that Alexander loved Hephaestion (romantically) when no such thing is said in any source.

So, here’s another “ask” that I’m not sure isn’t meant as trolling. That said, as before, I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt. The first part at least seems genuine enough. It’s only the second part that strikes as a bit dismissive.

That said, the question suggests both limited knowledge of who is arguing what (see the suggested reading near the end), as well as a disconnect between pop history online versus actual scholarship.

For historians, this is not about “We want to make Alexander gay!” versus “We want to make Alexander straight!” This is about understanding the HISTORIOGRAPHY of the ancient sources: what to believe and what not to believe, which in turn means understanding the agenda of ancient authors. That makes this question fundamentally problematic for two reasons:

It assumes one of these things cancels out the other. It doesn’t.

It assumes the ancient sources can be trusted, and all of them say the same things about Roxane, with the same motives. They don’t.

A colleague of mine is currently working on a paper about the role of “love” in stories of Macedonian kings (not just Alexander) and specific wives (who bear the heir). I’m not going to say more about that, as I don’t want to steal Borja’s thunder, but he let me read a draft of the paper and I found it very interesting. Yet we shouldn’t take these “love stories” at face value.

The asker must remember that our surviving sources are separated from Alexander by at least 300 years, or more. They have other (now lost) sources between them and Alexander—sometimes more than one source. I’ve talked about the problems with the sources and Alexander in these two TikTok videos:

ATG and the Sources, Part 1

ATG and the Sources, Part 2

I’d suggest watching those first, then returning here to finish reading this post.

So, assuming the asker (and other readers) have now seen those two videos, we must consider the “story” that lies behind reports of Alexander marrying Roxane for love … or not.

Plutarch is one of the main surviving sources for the “He fell in love with her story,” as well as the “He never laid eyes on Statiera,” as well as the “He turned up his nose at prostitutes (both male AND female).” It’s not about the “purity” of a love match, but CONTROL of his sexual impulses. E.g., sophronsunē. Please don’t conflate Plutarch’s point with later Christian moral lessons. Plutarch was not a Christian and would have emphatically disagreed with many aspects of Christian theology.

Plutarch is telling a story in his Life of Alexander about how Alexander rose above his semi-barbaric Macedonian origins (of which Olympias and Philip are symbols) due to his GOOD GREEK PAIDEIA (education). He was properly “Greekified.” He was therefore controlled and reserved and properly virtuous when he invaded Persia. After Gaugamela, however, he began to succumb to the alure of Evil Oriental Debauchery. Sadly, the Roxane story is part of that—she’s a barbarian girl—although marrying her for love kinda redeems it. This view of Alexander is part of the Second Sophistic more broadly, so we also find it in Arrian. Curtius and Justin are both Roman imperial authors, but with a similar message. Not the Greek education part, but the “corrupted by the Oriental East” part. Diodoros (writing earliest of all) also has it, but not as emphatic.

Marrying Roxane, especially for Curtius, is not a good thing. She’s a hillbilly barbarian tart! He marries (gasp!) her because he gives in to his impulses instead of controlling them with Roman discipline. It’s almost the opposite of Plutarch. Marriage makes it worse, not better, opening the way for half-barbarian heirs (shudder).

What really spurred Alexander’s marriage to her was a political alliance with important Baktrian and Sogdian families, so he could get the hell out of there after a 2+ year war against regional insurgency (which he actually caused). You can read about the whole thing in Frank Holt’s brilliant Alexander the Great and Bactria, from Mnemosyne (1993). And last time I checked, Frank wasn’t making any arguments at all about Hephaistion.

Sulochana Asirvatham has written several articles about Plutarch and Alexander, but “Plutarch’s Alexander” might be of the most use from Brill’s Companion to the Reception of Alexander the Great. Sulo isn’t making any arguments about Hephaistion either. I don’t think he even comes up in that paper.

Sabine Müller has also written about Alexander and women, including Roxane (“Stories of the Persian Bride, Alexander and Roxane,” in The Greek Alexander Romance in Persia and the East). She, too, not only doesn’t argue that Hephaistion was his lover, but (elsewhere) argues they weren’t. We agree on a lot about Hephaistion’s career and importance, but not on that particular point.

Finally, you might especially want to read a forthcoming book chapter “Alexander’s Polygamy: Remarks on Alexander the Great’s Relationship(s) with Women,” by Monica D’Agostini in Macedon and Its Influences, coming out either late this year or early next, from Colloquia Antiqua (#44). It deals with Barsine, Roxane, and his other women/wives.

There is also here the matter of what love and marriage meant in ancient Greece and Macedonia, versus now, but that’s a whole ‘nother discussion. As noted above, for the Greeks, loving a woman did not in any way, shape, or form preclude loving a boy/man. Even at the same time!

Ergo, the idea that people who argue he didn’t love Roxane are doing so because they (wrongly) want to believe he was in love with Hephaistion is, frankly, ridiculous, not to mention downright offensive to real scholarship. As if our opinions are driven by romantic wishful thinking instead of a careful evaluation of the sources and their reliability, in terms of both what is said, and what isn’t.

(Apologies for being a tad testy if this was not a troll, but I've fielded a few too many of these sorts of queries that are a backhanded attempt to "prove" that any claim Hephaistion and Alexander were lovers is just romantic claptrap by silly women who aren't "real" scholars. Ergo, my skepticism.)

[mask131]

If you want to have a folk-authentic vampire... (2)

Here's more elements taken from various folklores, legends and historical "cases"! Another melting-pot...

Other conditions and events that predisposed one into becoming a vampire: being a "criminal" (by this understand - prostitutes, thief or pyromaniacs) ; a child dead before being baptized (overlaps with stillborn infant) ; to be born on a holiday day ; those born with a placenta colored red ; the "unbelievers" (by the Christian sense - in typical Christian xenophobia of old, Jews, Muslims and atheists were all considered "doomed" by default) ; those born with a tail (you know, when there's a sort of tail-leftover out of genetic defect) ; children who stopped being breast-fed THEN were breast-fed again ; people born on a Saturday or Sunday, and "bastards of the third generation", understan the illegitimate son of an illegitimate son of an illegitimate son.

Those who, after dying, had a cat, a bird, an "ugly/dirty" creature or even the shadow of one of those beasts passing over their corpse, are likely to turn into a vampire. There's also a strange legend about how homosexuals could turn into vampires - mixed with somehow how they also changed their gender every month due to their unnatural desires?

In Bulgarian folklore, a vampire starts out as a shadow. It is commonly thought that when someone who dies cannot access to the afterlife for one reason or another, their soul lingers on earth, wandering under the shape of a shadow. If they are not set free after forty days, they become a vampire as the shadow gains a skin and a sanguine system with blood (but the vampire lacks both flesh and bones). The vampire will then start drinking the blood of cattle, more rarely attack humans, and mainly visit their next of kin to frighten them regularly.

Remember when I said in Romanian folklore vampires had a short, furry tail? Well, while sometimes it is found by their back, like a regular tail, other times it is under thir left armpit.

While usually in vampire legends the undead leaves its grave every night and returns before the rooster's song, in some local variations the vampire only gets out of its tomb every Saturday, or during specific times of the year (for example they are sometimes said to get out of their grave on the eve of Saint Andrew' Day).

Vampires sometimes were said to wait for their victims by crossroads, attacking passerbies, wanderers and night-travellers ; usually they were dressed or wrapped in their own shroud.

Vampires were, as I said early on, confused with werewolves, and with the "nightmare beings" (night hags). But the vampire myth also overlaped with the witch myth. Witches and warlocks were said to become vampires after dying ; in some countries the local word for vampire has etymological roots with the denomination of witches ; and generally all the disasters caused by vampires were also commonly attributed to witches. Like them, they caused plagues and storms. Like them they caused sterility and famine by stealing the life-force of cattle and of plants growing in fields. Vampires were also said to steal milk, just like witches did: it was said they took the shape of cats to drink milk out of cow's udders, and once the milk ran out they tarted drinking the beat's blood. In Bulgaria, when priests distributed garlic on Easter mass, those that refused were considered to be either vampires or witches.

Some vampire variations in the Balkans/Silesia were said to each night go at the top of the bell-tower of the village and ring the bell: all those that heard the sound were doomed to die.

Other "local recipes" to prevent someone from becoming a vampire, or blocking an active vampire: piling up rocks on the grave, tie with ropes the hands or feet, to cut off the Achilles' tendon, or to place thorns under the corpse's tongue (it apparently prevents the vampire from sucking blood). Near the Aegean Sea is was a custom to place corpses suspected to be a vampire on a lonely rock by the sea - for vampires were said there to be unable to cross salted water (a belief which ties in with more common beliefs of inland Europe about vampires being repelled by salt, or unable to cross running water).

In Greek folktales, it was said one could only trust a vampire's word if they swore by their shroud.

In Bulgaria, men born on Sunday were said to have the power to identify and kill vampires - usually by stabbing them or shooting them until the undead lost all of its blood.