#ch: erwin smith

[levithestripper]

from the attack on titan musical in new york this weekend!!!! they straight up ripped levi and erwin out of the manga look at my boys ,,,,,

[levithestripper]

is this anything

deeply obsessed with this

[starshower1215]

Nile Dok and Erwin Smith: A Word Vomit

I'm so curious about the drama they might have gone through to have broken up their friendship the way that they did. Nile and Erwin were described to be childhood friends, and the only tangible reason we're given as to why they are so cold towards each other now, as adults, is because Nile joined the Military Police instead of the Survey Corps, which he had initially wanted to join with Erwin.

So, there's a large dichotomy between the mindset of people in the Survey Corps and people in the Military Police. The SC is sort of liberal in the AoT world, promoting freedom, the change of the status quo, and accountability, whereas the Military Police seems more conservative, because it benefits them and because they are located directly inside of Wall Sina. They're more impacted by the bystander effect, as they're shown, generally, to go along with things unquestioningly as long as their safety isn't endangered:

Like here, where this officer of a higher rank shows no care whatsoever for any deeper meaning or larger purpose. No matter how he may be contributing to violence or injustice, he just wants to be safe and live an easy life, which is threatened by either direct danger or loss of his status, which would force him outside of Wall Sina and closer to titan territory. As pointed out by Annie in Chapter 31, "Grin," this isn't the mindset of any terrible human, but simply that of the common man. At its core, there are traits of ignorance, complacency, and cowardice, which is generally what we resort to when there is no effort to act otherwise. That is the nature which keeps us safe. That's why there is such a thin line between bravery and stupidity.

Well, assuming Nile might have prioritised the bigger picture over his own personal desires and adopted a more SC-like mindset during his time as a recruit (which is likely, since he wanted to join the Survey Corps of his own will, and underwent the harsh training that sometimes even killed trainees with the intention of doing so), then he's undergone drastic shifts from that mindset to reach the perspective he has now. It isn't only that he doesn't see eye-to-eye with Erwin's views anymore; he seems to degrade it, even, and to view the Survey Corps as a foolish group instead of humanity's spear or the group at the face of evolving knowledge. Or stagnant knowledge, at the time of Nile and Erwin's training corps days, but oh, well.

Nile demeans the purpose of the Survey Corps and Erwin's goals by accusing him of being "interested in titans," similarly to the way one might assume Hange was demeaned for taking a genuine interest in them, or like Armin was called a "heretic" for having a book on the outside world. Instead of framing it the way it is, in which Erwin is drawn in by the possibility of humanity outside the walls, he re-frames it more as an inexplicable interest in the enemy of humanity, which is calling him a heretic at its core. So he adopted the MP trait of complacency and lost the curiosity he likely had as a trainee.

He also takes Erwin as a sort of abnormal man, a man who is "more interested in titans than Marie," or perhaps more broadly, a man who is more "interested in titans" than women. Now, the social norm in the universe of AoT regarding marriage isn't really disclosed, but based on realistic social expectations, the concept of not being married, or interested in romance, really, isn't particularly welcome. Even if outwardly, we express that it's all right, it's still quite common to receive side-eyes for not being married at older ages. Regardless of gender, people start wondering whether a person might be "crazy" or worse, gasp, infertile. The horror. That seems to be what Erwin is experiencing now, as he grows older. Even Nile, a former friend of his, regards him as having "something wrong" with him for prioritising his goals over settling down with Marie.

On a separate note, Nile also addresses the way he might have hurt his friend when he chose to join the MPs instead of the SC.

In response to Erwin's supposedly harmless reminiscence of the past, Nile's words seem to carry a hint of passive aggression or intentional dismissal of the previous pain he'd caused. Erwin doesn't seem to be bothered at all. He's consistently cordial in his interactions with Nile, even when Nile insults him at the very end of their conversation. Though, this could be attributed to their different personalities, as Erwin is always attempting to move forward. But anyway, Nile is unforgiving in his actions, and oddly specific, so maybe he'd just been pissed before that Erwin might not have understood his actions.

Anyway, what looks like the reason for his attitude shift is that he simply lost hope in the Survey Corps. Maybe meeting Marie, being shown a future where he could find happiness without knowing what was beyond the walls, changed his outlook on what his best choice was. The Military Police, where he could secure for his wife and future children a safe life where they could possibly find happiness, or the Survey Corps, which had good intentions but had gotten nowhere in the past few years, and was still seen as a waste of taxes at the time. That must have been the change in his attitude from seeing the SC as brave to seeing them as stupid, because he realised that, within his lifetime, what was going to change, if the Survey Corps only got massacred and massacred again?

Possibly, he tried to tell this to Erwin, and maybe even tried to dissuade him from pursuing the question his father had implanted into his brain so long ago, insisting that it was stupid to hope for anything more. After all, if you think about it, faith is the most illogical thing on Earth. Erwin must have looked foolishly optimistic, and Nile, breaking to him that his dreams were baseless, was a betrayal, as he likely would have been the first to know what Erwin wanted, being his childhood friend. He would have been with Erwin when his father was taken.

He legitimately thought that the MPs were the smart way to go (and logically speaking, they are), and Erwin's awareness surrounding the fact that he's sort of a fool for chasing his dream rather than settling down seems to exacerbate his disgust. It's really only when he realises that Erwin was quite right that his expression changes. Look at this guy:

He expresses his 'loss' affectionately towards Erwin, lol. He's so fed up with Erwin's gambles, but he still knows him deep down.

[the-traveling-poet]

𝓒𝓱𝓪𝓹𝓽𝓮𝓻 2 ~

𝓛𝓲𝓽𝓽𝓵𝓮 𝓜𝓲𝓼𝓼 𝓟𝓻𝓲𝓷𝓽𝓮𝓻

𝓢𝓾𝓶𝓶𝓪𝓻𝔂 ~ Though first promising amongst themselves to simmer down their bristling banter in the presence of the young woman, it quickly becomes apparent such a feat might just be beyond them. Between Nile’s insistence to continually undermine the Scouts, Levi’s eavesdropping, and Erwin’s ever wavering patience; not much progress is made.

That is, until Y/N intervenes.

The issue of the Scout’s missing parchment orders is resolved; or at least, nearly so. While the project itself is complete, delivery might no longer be an option. As such, Commander Erwin turns to Levi in this predicament; surely his newest Captain can handle this matter on his own?

𝓒𝓱𝓪𝓹𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓒𝓸𝓷𝓽𝓮𝓷𝓽 ~ Language, relationship drama, crude banter, mostly crack / See Masterlist for overall story content!

If preferred, you can read this fic on Wattpad or AO3 as well!

Ch.1 ~

The shop was alight in the glow of many candles, dimmed now by the sun’s shine pouring in from the uncurtained windows along the shop’s walls.

Still, the candles sitting in the window sills filled the room with a lovely scent of crisp apples of autumn’s harvest and stale cinnamon, greeting every customer to step within. Despite the season of autumn having since come to an end, the rich aroma suited the quaint shop. 

Near the door sat a carved wooden bench, a wool blanket over its backing and a set of throw pillows laid on its seat. A beautifully patterned rug led up to the front desk, which was surrounded by potted plants of varying species—it really added a splash of color to contrast the beige walls.

A shelf filled with thick leather bound books and worn-down files stood neatly in the corner behind the front desk, nearly reaching the ceiling in height.

Lastly, a tiny bell above the front entrance was a nice touch, as well; as it alerted the building to the arrival of customers with its muted dinging.

Overall, every little addition to the space made it feel pleasantly warm. Lived in, almost. 

A rustic sort of comfortability.

Behind the quaint desk stood a rather burly looking man, with broad shoulders and a full beard that nearly reached his chest. He held a folder with one large hand—one that he quickly set down onto the countertop upon seeing both Commander Erwin and Commander Nile waltzing through the front door.

With a small smile poking through tangles of hair and a kind twinkle to his eye, the—seemingly—middle aged man gave a polite nod to the trio. Though, for a moment that was too quick to truly tell, it seemed his eyes strayed to Levi longer than the two Commanders.

“Such a pleasure to see you stop by, Commander Dok. Commander Smith.” he greeted kindly, his tone even and soft despite his more rugged appearance.

“And Captain Levi, I’m pleased to finally make your acquaintance!”

Levi turned his gaze to the receptionist with a raised brow, but didn’t get the chance to speak even a word before Nile had started to chuckle.

Stepping forward, Nile leaned his arms onto the desktop with an easy going smile.

“It’s been too long, Henry. Say, Y/N hasn’t gone to lunch yet, has she? I’d stay and chat for a moment, but…”

Nile paused then and jutted a thumb over his shoulder, gesturing to where Erwin and Levi still stood at a respectable distance, just off to the side of the desk.

“My company and I are here on business, and need to speak with her about some purchases.”

“Ahh, Y/N. I see,” Henry grunted in understanding, turning to jut his chin in the direction of a wooden door set against the furthest wall.

“She’s in the back at the workshop; at the press, as usual. You haven’t missed her just yet.”

“Thank you, Henry,” Nile nodded, moving around the desk with an easy going wave, foregoing the need to ask permission on his way towards the door a few paces away. 

“We won’t keep her too long.”

Nodding respectfully—maybe to compensate for his friend’s absent manners—Erwin gave his silent thanks to the man, Henry, behind the desk and made to follow after Nile.

Levi begrudgingly stayed on his heels, arms folded more loosely now than before over his chest. His observant gaze swiveled all across the shop’s furnishings, silently judging the space and the employee himself, but managed to keep his thoughts to himself. At least, for the time being.

As kind as the man had been, especially in addressing him personally—odd as it might have been—Levi still maintained his usual disinterested facade.

He’d settle for appreciation in silence for now.

“It might be best if I go in first. You know; check on her, ask her for some time to go over the order.”

Nile drawled on after a pause, turning his back to the closed employee door and thus preventing Erwin and Levi from taking another step towards it.

Huffing indignantly, Erwin crossed both arms over his broad chest, unknowingly mirroring Levi’s stance just a pace behind him.

“Nile, that’s the reason we’re here in the first place. You can have your moment with Y/N, but we aren’t here to stand idly by in the lobby while you handle our affairs for us.”

Behind him, Levi scoffed quietly in agreement, his eyes no longer wandering about the shop. Now he stared straight ahead, craning his neck a tad to meet the taller man’s eye. 

Nile at least had the sense to look a little unsure under such scrutiny from the pair, and hesitated.

“Fine, fine…I’ll come back and open the door after a moment so you can spiel your script yourself.” Nile eventually grumbled, his hand reaching up to grasp the door’s handle. Notably, his eyes shifted between the Scouts, as though looking for approval to his succumbent. Gaining no further argument, Nile’s hand twisted the knob.

The door swung open under his rough palm with a creak, giving way to a short hall. Beyond the narrow walls, not much of the room was visible; but every small sound from within the workshop echoed outwards towards them.

The moment the door stood ajar, the low hums and rhythmic clicking of a press met their ears. Though out of sight, the muffled ruffling of paper eluded to the idea of the woman being kept busy at her job, running many reams through the machine.

From what little they could see, the short hall led to a wide table set in the middle of the room, piled up both with stacks of varying parchment and several heaps of boxes.

As disarrayed as the tabletop looked, the long table couldn’t compete with the mess on the shelves.

Ceiling high, broad shelves lined one wall, nearly the length of the room in size, were packed tight with boxes of parchment of different papers and odd materials—except there was no rhyme or reason to their placement, unlike the neat tabletop before it.

Despite the mess, the musty scent of paper and inks and glues made the space feel more like a library than a workshop.

Somehow, through it all, the dainty elegance of the reception room behind them carried through the door and into the workshop.

A hint of a smile marked Nile’s face as he took in a deep breath and stepped through the door into the room.

Without so much as glancing back at the Scouts, he slid the creaking door shut behind him with a click—though both Erwin and Levi were able to clearly hear him call out to the woman somewhere beyond the stacks of crates.

It was quiet for a moment, save for the muffled whirring of the press from behind the closed door. Eventually, they picked up on a sound—a hushed conversation, muffled and unintelligible. 

A rough laugh from Nile that faded with heavy footsteps meandering farther from the door, a young woman’s voice ringing out above the many sounds of the shop…Soon there was no sound left for them to hear through thick oak.

All the while, the Scouts stood outside the door, impatiently awaiting their time to step through.

Levi stepped closer to the door after some time, surprising Erwin into arching a brow down at the man. But Levi paid the look no mind, choosing to concentrate on catching any small sound from beyond the wood. He furrowed his brow as he attempted to make their words out.

���She sounds young,” Levi commented dryly, listening closely.

“Little ditzy…I can imagine she easily forgot the parchment order, making us come all the way here for it.” 

“She’s a busy woman, Levi. I’m sure there’s a reason the supplies are late,” Erwin came to Y/N’s defense in an instant, glancing from Levi’s face and then back towards the oak door with a sigh.

“I can’t hear a thing; how is it you hear them?” Erwin continued on after a moment.

Grunting in acknowledgment, without answering his Commander’s last question, Levi went back to listening through the door. 

Leaning in closer and bending a little at the waist, he strained to hear what might be discussed between Nile and this Y/N character that, apparently, his Commander was adamant on excusing. For whatever reason.

“I never took you for one to eavesdrop so casually,” Erwin commented lowly, after a tense moment in which he received no response. He took to leaning against the nearby wall when he still got no response from his subordinate. Undeterred, he carried on.

“It’s rude, you know.”

“Well, I wasn’t aware you shit talked your comrades. You’d be surprised by the bullshit I’ve heard you spout behind closed doors. It’s a tactical advantage for me, and a terrible woe for you, should I ever utilize what I’ve learned to my favor.”

Levi recounted rather quickly this time, without so much as sparing him a glance. Instead, he stayed preoccupied with staring intently at the door now only a couple of inches from his nose.

“Miche would hate to know what you’ve spouted off regarding his ‘absurdly keen nose’.”

“…You know, you’re such a pissy man, Levi. Oh my god.”

The door’s handle twisted to the side and creaked back open not even a second after Erwin sighed, revealing Nile as he attempted to wipe away a grin still etched onto his face.

“Alright you lousy Scouts, you-“

He paused suddenly, having stepped through the door’s threshold rather quickly and, nearly, ran his chest straight into Levi’s face.

Looking down, expressionlessly, towards the shorter man, Nile took a hesitant step backwards.

“What are you-“

“What.” Levi interjected, already having snapped back up to attention to cut him off with a glare. 

He kept his sharp gaze averted from the MP Commander.

“…What are you doing.” Nile demanded in a rather monotone voice.

“Tch, waiting for an old man to hurry up and open the damn door.” Levi spat back, though quietly this time.

Nile sighed, nearly what looked to be in disappointment. Where that disappointment was aimed, remained unstated. For now, at least.

“You know what…You both can come in. I’ve briefed her. I’m not dealing with this right now.”

Pinching at his brow in exasperation, Erwin sighed for the uptenth time and gave a stiff nod.

“Right, cause we’re incompetent. I forgot. Thank you, Nile.”

“‘Course. Just doing my job,” Nile grunted, standing back to hold open the door for the pair.

“Come on, in you get; she doesn’t have all day. She needs to get to lunch soon.”

Down the short hall they finally walked, eyeing the many crookedly stacked boxes and crates littering the floor along the way. Only once they were fully inside the room did they realize the expanse of it.

Not only was there a tall wooden table stood at the center of the room, cluttered with boxes, and a wide shelf stretching the length of one wall, laden with various reams of parchments—there was also an assortment of odd little stations scattered around the spacious workshop.

There was an easel of sorts, with many jars crudely labeled things like ‘glue’ or ‘paint’ sat on its shelf. Some feet away sat a small, rounded table stacked with plates and other miniature utensils—most of which they couldn’t name or identify.

At a closer look, the boxes on the shelves each had their own label, ranging from color, to texture, and to the type of paper itself. It was organized, if not a touch cramped.

Clean floors and tabletops greeted their eyes, yet unmistakable lines of unfinished products were set in a row upon a secondary, smaller table. Scraps of paper and splinters of wood had been responsibly thrown away; but, the bin the scraps now occupied was now heavily overflowing with the wasted materials.

In some way, it was an organized mess, of sorts. Throughout the entire, albeit large, room.

Above the whir of the press still in action, came the quiet humming of a woman’s voice.

Some sort of song, perhaps, she hummed the tune of. Though it was broken and muffled by the occasional scoff, or muttered curse word over the clunking and hissing of the printing machine.

Though she stood out of sight, her voice echoed off the higher ceilings and was easily heard.

Coming to stand alongside the full table, Nile cleared his throat loudly, catching the wandering attentions of both Erwin and Levi.

“Y/N, my dear, if you could step away from the press for a moment? I’ve brought them in.”

“Hell, I figured you meant you were out on your way to fetch them!”

Responded a soft voice, several octaves higher than the low humming that resonated within the large room.

Abruptly the machine whirred to a stop, clunking in protest to the sudden shut down.

Now without the obnoxious noise from the press, they heard quick footsteps clicking and clacking against the wooden floors, heading their way.

From around a corner the woman suddenly appeared, her hair ratty and frayed from the bun she must have placed it into sometime earlier that morning, with a couple smudges of grease smeared across her round cheeks.

Smiling crookedly their way once she caught their eye in turn, she strode towards the large table at the center of the room and removed a pair of leather gloves from her hands, tucking the fabric under an arm.

“Good morning, Commander Smith,” Y/N chirped as she reached Nile’s side, propping her elbows up onto the table and setting her gloves aside.

“It’s about time you stopped by; welcome to Quick crafts!”

“Quick Crafts,” Erein echoed with a chuckle, taking an appreciative look around once more.

“You’ve chosen quite the name, Y/N.”

Dismissively waving his comment away, Y/N averted her attention over to Levi, curiously looking him over as he came to stand off to the side of the table.

“And Cadet Levi, right? I believe Nile said…Anyways, my pleasure!”

Narrowed eyes shot to Nile from across the work table, the latter avoiding the darker haired man’s glare.

“Ah, perhaps I misspoke earlier, dear Y/N-“ Nile started to correct, only to be abruptly cut off.

“I know better than to believe that was any accident,” Levi hissed, arms folded tightly over his chest.

“You ass. It’s Captain. Captain Levi.”

Glancing between the pair, Y/N watched on curiously for a moment before snorting out a chuckle—one that she quickly covered with a hand over her mouth.

This pulled Levi’s attention away from Nile, and he stared at the way her eyes crinkled around the corners from the grin she hid.

“I apologize on behalf of Commander Dok; the bastard’s a bit dense. I’ve long since been on the receiving end of his mocking banter, so I understand your frustration. Anyways; Captain Levi, huh? It’s a pleasure to meet you, too. Word travels fast—I’d already caught wind of a new Captain in the Scouts from the customers who come through here.”

Y/N rattled off, removing her hand from her face once she’d quelled her own amusement.

Giving her a blank stare, Levi attempted to take in all that she’d said. After a moment, he seemed to collect his wits and opened his mouth.

“Y/N, huh? You’re a chatterbox.”

“If you wanna call it that, go ahead. Some call it ‘manners’. You know, making conversation and pleasantries and all that bullshit,”

Y/N smiled his way, waving off his rather dull comment. It seemed to not phase her much.

“Though, maybe that’s not something you and Nile quite get. You’re both a bit…Blunt, it seems.”

Levi’s scowl slowly disappeared as she spoke, his eyes going a tad wide and his brows raised up.

A civilian not only apologizing on behalf of a Regime Commander, no less cursing his reputation, but also testing his own resolve?

This was new for Levi. It was…refreshing, oddly enough. He couldn’t remember the last time someone outside the military had met his level of sarcasm with some of their own, even if her’s was more refined in nature than his.

Slowly his arms lowered from his chest, coming to hang loosely at his sides as he stared straight ahead at the rather outspoken woman, something in his demeanor changing just briefly.

“So you are a woman of class, aren’t you…”

He quietly mumbled, mostly to himself.

His comment didn’t quite reach Y/N’s ears, and as such she started to lean forward and ask him to repeat himself; but before she could Nile had already stood up straighter over on his side of the table.

Levi’s muttered words hadn’t slipped past Nile, making the man pause with subtle suspicion. When he turned to see the look on the newest Captain’s face—his expression morphing from aggravation to something akin to interest, whilst staring at the woman—Nile frowned.

Coming around the table to step slightly in front of Y/N, Nile suddenly cleared his throat.

“All pleasantries aside, last I recalled we were here on business. Smith; the report you wanted from her?”

“Right…Ms. Y/N, we came today to inquire about the crates of parchment we had ordered,” Erwin offered with a kind smile, seemingly nonchalant about the whole ordeal.

“I was merely wondering what had happened after payment had been received?”

Y/N paused for a moment, a hand coming up to scratch at the back of her head; this only resulted in the ruffling of her hair—further so than it had already been during her shift thus far.

Seeming to remember, she removed her hand with raised brows.

“Ahh, that parchment; bond ivory at eight and a half by eleven? Six tall crates worth?”

She mused to herself, nodding along and heading over to the shelf lining the wall. She had to look up to spot the boxes in question, the shelf standing several feet taller than her eye level.

Reaching up, she slapped the side of a box barely within her reach, pointing to the labels lining the fronts, one through six.

“I’ve got them right here, ready for delivery!”

“…Then why weren’t they? Delivered, I mean,” Erwin hummed, taking a step forward to survey the boxes for himself.

“Oh, well…” Y/N began, only to be cut off by Nile.

“Jesus Erwin, she’s busy. She has nearly twenty orders a day to complete, don’t you?”

Here Nike turned to Y/N for confirmation to his claim—to which she merely shrugged at, her gaze cast aside.

“More or less, depending on the day,” she mumbled almost uncertainty.

“I hadn’t meant to reprimand, Nile,” Erwin grumbled, shooting an apologetic glance Y/N’s way. Y/N easily dismissed the look with a wave of her hand, unbothered by his previous question

“No, he’s right. I’d meant to have it delivered to the Scouts by now,” Y/N sighed.

“I got so caught up in finalizing the details on this other order we got…I apologize, it’s my fault you didn’t get your order in the time it was promised to you.”

“I understand, Y/N. Running a business takes discipline. But may I ask; just what was it you were working on?”

Erwin decided to ask, glancing down at a lone folder set out on the table near where he stood. A worn yellow paper was jutting out from the top, exposing half of the work order’s content. Poking out of the top half were the words ‘banners’ and ‘embroidery’, printed in bold black ink.

“Funny enough…his majesty in Wall Sina requested banners be fabricated for his banquet hall. I’d just finished with the design last week, when he sent word of changing the embroidery design. Naturally that set me back on time—I focused on that project to make up for lost time on the deadline he set,” she scoffed, giving the folder on the table a frown, like it was the source of all her problems.

“For the king?” Erwin exclaimed, bushy brows raised high as he straightened up.

“Not only is that an honor, but I imagine quite a task to fulfill.”

“It wouldn’t be such a task, if the damned fool could make up his mind,” Y/N scoffed, but upon seeing the look of surprise on all three men’s faces, she cleared her throat and added on in a rush. “Praise the walls.”

“Ah, well,” Erwin cleared his throat, disrupting the momentary silence that followed Y/N explanation.

“I’d wondered when we could expect to have the boxes delivered to the Scouts HQ?”

Looking up from the folder, Y/N suddenly grinned, her look of disdain wiped away in an instant.

“To the Scout’s big ass castle? Or, whatever other fancy name you thought up for the building.”

“It’s just HeadQuarters, Y/N.” Erwin smiled, though it dropped the instant she snickered in disbelief.

“The address is the same.”

“I hardly believe there’s not have another name for it, knowing you. Either way, I’ll see to it that it’s delivered within the week.” Y/N mused as she stepped away from the shelf and once more rested her elbows onto the table top, back beside Nile.

Nile started to chuckle at Erwin’s expense, finding amusement in the man’s expression from her description. Though he didnt get to the point of verbal harassment, before Y/N was rounding on him. Stepping closer to reach him, Y/N raised a finger and pointed it under his crooked nose, as though to scold him.

The raised brow she aimed his way made his his smile briefly falter.

“You don’t get to jest. Didn’t you start referring to the Military Police’s base as ‘The Superior Regimen’s Base of Actual Accomplishment’ just last year? I hope you know I never label the products you order under that silly ass name.”

Looking highly offended all of the sudden, Erwin’s hand flew to his hips as he, too, immediately rounded on Nile as well. Though the effect held less weight than Y/N’s look, standing much further away across the table then she was to him.

“What the hell, Nile? ‘Base of Actual Accomplishment’? Just what do you mean by that?”

“Oh come now, Erwin. It’s a joke amongst the MP’s; I’m sure every regiment mocks the others.”

Nile rolled his eyes with a scoff; hardly paying his look any actual mind.

Erwin paused for a moment, looking contemplative as he mulled over Nile’s claim. The room went quiet for a moment, before he heavily sighed.

“Acceptable counter-argument,” he finally admitted while averting his gaze. Changing tactics, he turned to face Y/N once more.

“Obviously, the king’s order takes precedence, but might I ask when you think you could have these boxes delivered to us? Without rushing you too much, of course.”

“Tomorrow works for me,” Y/N shrugged, glancing back over to the stack of boxes on the shelf.

“I could deliver them early tomorrow morning, but I’d require your signature upon arrival to confirm the process; yknow, regulation bullshit like that.”

Erwin opened his mouth to respond, but quickly closed it with a slight frown.

“I’m afraid I have other places to be tomorrow until noon; would you be available then, by chance?”

Now it was Y/N’s turn to frown as she glanced at a calendar hung up by a nail on the far wall, squinting to read the lines of scribbled ink under the dates.

“I’m sorry…I leave for Sina just before noon tomorrow to speak with the king’s assistants about the decor change for the banners. If you’re a fan of early mornings, the best I could offer would be…this time, next week.”

“We’d need this parchment before then; perhaps we could just come pick it up?” Erwin tried, glancing from the calendar she studied from afar and then back towards her.

“It’d have to be early on, in the morning. Before we open shop, that is.” Y/N bit her lip, mentally calculating her own schedule.

All went quiet for a brief moment as they attempted to come to an agreement, when Levi’s voice broke the silence with a simple statement.

“I’ll do it.”

Both Erwin and Y/N perked up at the sudden intrusion, both their eyes swiveling over to Levi, who’d taken a step back from resting against the tabletop near Erwin. He glanced toward Erwin, meeting his eye through inky bangs.

“If you want this damned paper so badly, I’ll just come get it tomorrow morning. I’m always up early as it is; might as well do something useful with it,” Levi huffed before turning his gaze away.

A sort of gleam shone in Erwin’s eyes as he briefly thought it over, no doubt some sort of plan forming in his mind.

“That works for me, if it works for you, Y/N.”

“Sure. I can get here earlier than usual and just have him sign the necessary paperwork. He’s of higher rank, it should be fine.”

Y/N chimed in after a moment after mulling the idea over.

Looks were exchanged from both sides of the table, a silent agreement settling between them all. Briefly Y/N’s eyes met Levi’s, observing, calculating…Neither looked away, until Nike spoke up.

“Well, now that that’s all settled,” he groaned, pushing off of the table.

“We’ll leave you to it, kid. Go grab some lunch, take a break, sit down awhile. Don’t overwork yourself, yeah?”

“Yes, sir,” Y/N smiled softly, then turned to face Erwin and Levi once more.

“It was nice to formally meet you both,”she smiled, walking around the table to offer out a hand—surprisingly well weathered and a bit chapped—for them to shake in turn.

Erwin grasped her hand without hesitation and gave it a soft, but firm, shake. His hand dropped from hers a moment later, only to wrap around her shoulders and pull her into a quick embrace.

“It was nice to see you again, dear. I should hope to see you again soon.”

“I have a feeling you will, Erwin. With you running the Scouts, I’m sure there will be a lot more paperwork orders coming through my shop.” Y/N snorted.

She then pulled away from Erwin’s embrace to face Levi, extending the same hand out to him. Hesitantly, he took it, and gave a firm shake as well.

Again his eyes locked onto hers, and for a moment he didn’t dare blink as she began to speak directly to him once more.

“I appreciate you coming in tomorrow and getting this off my hands. I’ll see you bright and early tomorrow morning, Levi.”

It took Levi an unusual amount of time to respond, almost as if his mind were elsewhere while his eyes flickered across her dirtied face. Eventually he cleared his throat and removed his hand from hers quickly, casting his gaze aside.

“Just doing my job, apparently. I wasn’t aware my duties covered this, but so be it,” he grumbled, taking a step back from her.

Once again stepping forward, it was Nile’s turn to clear his throat—again. Though, not before casting a sidelong glance Levi’s way this time.

“You two take the carriage back. I’ll call another after a moment, so don’t wait up.” He droned, glancing between the two.

“I’m going to stay here awhile longer, I think.”

Nodding respectfully, Erwin turned to take his leave, signaling for Levi to do the same.

“Thank you, again, Ms. Y/N. It’s truly appreciated.” Erwin spoke over his shoulder, offering one last kind smile as he paced towards the workshop’s door.

Mimicking it, Y/N shifted her weight to rest against the end of the table where she now stood.

“Of course, Erwin. I’ll see you around,” she chirped back, watching the pair leave.

One last time her eyes met with Levi’s, curiously, this time, before the workshop door was closed behind him a solid a thud.

As Quick Craft’s front door closed behind the Scouts with a soft chime, Levi took in a deep breath and exhaled it slowly.

By now the sun was higher up in the sky, though the breeze was still cool enough to prompt him to tug at the collars of his uniform jacket.

Seeing his frown from over his shoulder, Erwin raised a thick brow.

“Was that so bad? You act as though it were.”

“It wasn’t all bad, I suppose,” Levi grumbled, making his way past Erwin’s slower pace to reach the carriage first. Opening the door ahead of the coachman, Levi rushed inside to take his seat.

“At least now we can put this scandal behind us and focus on more important things.”

“More important things? I’d like to think this task was just as important as any other task you’re assigned to with your new rank,”

Erwin mused with a slight upturn to his lips as he followed Levi inside the carriage and took his seat. With a nod to the coachman through the window—to which the man gave a sullen nod in response to—Erwin turned a curious eye onto his companion.

Once the coachman had climbed up into his own seat and the cart began to move.

“Just think; without the parchment necessary, how else could I write out your wages?”

Erwin tried, observing closely the way Levi scowled.

“I’d get them one way or another.” He mumbled quietly.

“This, I don’t doubt,” Erwin sighed, shaking his head slightly in amusement.

“The shop opens at eight o’clock sharp; you’ll be sure to be here before then?”

“Of course I will,” Levi clicked his tongue, though the way his eyes wandered back towards the shop slowly fading into the distance gave away he truly didn’t mind the task, despite his tone. He looked almost…Contented, somehow.

“I’ll be here, and I’ll sign the damned papers. I’ll have the boxes in HQ well before noon.”

His response was met with silence; a contented silence, in which Erwin finally removed his scrutinizing gaze from the shorter man and went about peering through his window once more.

The streets were more alive now, civilians milling about on their daily tasks and errand runs. Despite the slower speed of the carriage because of this, it proved for some more interesting sights this time around.

“I saw the way you watched her,” Erwin suddenly spoke up, his gaze focused elsewhere out the window as he spoke.

Feigning ignorance, Levi huffed, stiffening a bit around the shoulders.

“Watched who?”

“Don’t play dumb, Levi. You’re not so good at that as you are dealing out sarcasm.”

“I wasn’t watching Y/N any sort of way.”

Levi defended, having the gall to even look offended at the mere prospect. To this, Erwin only grinned.

“Ah, but I didn’t say her name, did I? I could have been referring to the woman standing in the lobby when we left.”

Erwin chuckled, briefly meeting his eye before Levi quickly looked away with a scowl.

“That old hag? Eyebrows, between the two of us, you’re more likely to be the one to go for a woman twice your age than I would be. No offence.”

“I’ve learned to never truly take offence whenever you speak,” Erwin grumbled back, biting back another sigh.

“Either way, I’m trusting you with this; don’t get too distracted. I’m going to need those papers for documents in a couple of days, I can’t afford another set back.”

For a moment it didn’t seem that Levi would respond; just leave him in baited silence, But after a pause, he sighed, nearly hanging his head in defeat—though he’d never go so far as to physically show submission like that, and refrained.

“Whatever you say, Eyebrows. I’ll get the damned job done. Since it seems I have to…”

{ Word Count ~ 5.4k }

~More Levi Ackerman content here~

𝓐/𝓝 ~ I struggled with this chapter. I truly did. Sure, it’s only the second one of the series so far, but I got so stuck on making it ‘perfect’ (for myself and others) that I forgot to have fun with it. After some time to sort through some personal shit, which took a couple months, I came back to this with a lighter mind. Now, we’re back :) Thanks for being patient with me while life was throwing curveballs my way! And as always thanks for reading!

[karikarasuno]

sonder ch. x

Pairing: Erwin Smith x Fem!Reader x Levi Ackerman

Rating: Mature/Explicit

Warnings/Tags: Reader is always going through it so there's that, Also Kissing (finally), Oh and Angry Erwin (his sexiest form)

Word Count: 8.8k

song(s) for the chapter: go easy, kid by monica martin & hate to be lame by lizzy mcalpine

chapter ix | chapter x | chapter xi

Under any other circumstance, you would be fine. Cool as a cucumber. You have done the whole dress up charade before. Since Onyankopon was in the music industry, a night in a fancy dress with too high heels and pretty jewelry became a normal occurrence. But this time. This night, as you stood in the mirror staring at your reflection, you couldn’t help but feel nervous and a touch shaky. You didn’t look bad by any means. In fact, you would venture out and say you looked quite beautiful. This particular shade of red complimented your complexion elegantly and the style of the gown fit you like a glove. It clung to all the right places while also smoothing out the rest. It was a dress that seemed to be made with you in mind. 

But suddenly and without warning, you couldn’t shake the feeling that this was too much. The strappy black heels, the gold dangling earrings, and the complicated updo you spent far too much time on. You were uncomfortable. And, ironically enough, it seemed to stem from a strong sense of insecurity. 

You couldn’t really remember the last time you felt so outwardly insecure. It could be that this was your first formal work event at this job. Or the fact that this was the first time you were truly dressing up since the break up. Or even–and probably the most relevant– was the other fact that you seemed to have two dates tonight. Who were bound to be knocking at your door any second and you still hadn’t applied your lipstick. 

But two dates wasn’t the problem. It was who they were. What they meant to you. It was clear to you that this friendship had effectively surpassed the shallow waters of platonic companionship. It was obvious that you definitely, positively, irrevocably fell in love with them. 

Falling in love, the act, was always accompanied with self-doubt. It was the free falling through endless skies that seemed to shift between day and night, light and dark, without any idea of when you would finally touch the ground that was the most terrifying. Because the ground was hard, firm. And without anyone to catch you, it almost always felt like death when you inevitably hit it. 

You were so lost in the trance of your reflection and the paralyzing thoughts of your insecurities that you didn’t hear them approach the door like you typically did. So when they unlocked the front door and entered your eerily silent home, you nearly jumped out of your skin when Erwin stepped through the open door of your bedroom.

“Holy shit!” You screamed, your hand flying to your chest and the other flew out to brace you against your dresser to keep you from actually falling to the floor. Which would’ve been embarrassing to say the least. 

“Did you not hear us come in?” Erwin said, doubled over in laughter from what you were sure was an absolutely outrageous reaction. 

“No,” you huffed out, a blush already forming at your cheeks. “I was too busy looking at myself.”

“I don’t blame you,” he took a step in your direction, hand reaching out to grab yours and lifting your arm above your head to gesture for you to spin for him. “You look incredible.”

“You think so?” You said, trying to play your insecurity off as a joke, but you were too vulnerable to pass it off as anything else. But before he could answer, Levi walked in. He was in the middle of adjusting the button on his shirt sleeve when he looked over at you. His eyes traveled from your shoes, lingered on the fabric that sat hanging around your neck, and then finally his gaze touched your face. He smiled warmly. Which for some reason or another you hadn’t expected. 

The clear affection made you look away. And now of all things, you were feeling shy. It was very much a regression in your eyes and you wanted to scream at how absurd you were acting. Suddenly you were 17 all over again and sending up silent prayers that the boy you liked actually liked you back. The confidence you earned with age was waning rather rapidly in their presence. 

“Wow,” he said, nodding as if he was also agreeing with himself. “Very pretty,” he added with that same small, appreciative smile that made butterflies flutter recklessly in your stomach.

“And I haven’t even put my lipstick on yet,” you deflected with a coy smile before hurrying into your bathroom to breathe for a moment. Your hand was trembling slightly as you added the red lipstick, but when you scrutinized yourself in the mirror again it was strange. You looked so different. Almost unrecognizable. It has officially been over a year since you moved to this city. And while you felt different internally, those differences seemed to quickly manifest externally. There was this undeniable glow about you. Even a cliche sparkle to your eyes that wasn’t there before. 

You were a woman in love. And that alone made your palms sweat and your pulse thump carelessly in your neck. You were in the midst of a love that very well could be unrequited. But it didn’t stop that love from blossoming nonetheless. 

“How long does it take to put lipstick on?” Erwin asked, reclining against the doorframe as you looked at each other through the mirror. His smile was lazy when your eyes met in the reflection and his posture was comfortable. As if merely being in your presence was enough to award him solace. 

“You can’t rush perfection, Erwin,” you flirted back, attempting to regain some of that errant confidence you swore you had at some point before the last ten minutes. You then made an effort to fix the outline of red on your bottom lip with your pinky to emphasize your point. 

“I sure as hell can when you rush me all the time,” he responded with a playful scoff to punctuate his point. 

“Oh and you’re so perfect?” You laughed, sliding the cap back onto your lipstick before turning to face him instead of continuing this conversation through the mirror. But you hadn’t realized how close the door was to the sink, so when you turned you were met with an Erwin that was a good three inches shorter than he typically was since he was leaning against the door at such a drastic angle. While you were a solid three and a half inches taller in the heels you were wearing. This was the closest your faces have ever been to each other while standing up. Your eyes involuntarily drifted to his lips for a split second, but when you tore them away to look into his eyes instead, you found that he was unabashedly staring at yours. 

“That color looks really good on you,” he said in a breathy whisper and you fought the urge to roll your lips together because you would smear the color and have to redo them. You also fought the urge to kiss him because no one has ever looked at your lips as reverently as Erwin was right then and there. It was pure seduction and you were surprised your knees didn’t buckle under the weight of his stare. 

“It really completes the look, doesn’t it?” 

“Mhmm.” His nod of confirmation was almost imperceptible. The bathroom suddenly felt much, much smaller than it ever had before. There wasn’t enough space between the two of you. Not enough to breathe and certainly not enough to think. Your lips parted but all you were capable of releasing was a tiny puff of air. For a moment you even stopped breathing from how violently charged the energy was between the two of you. 

Without any conscious volition, your hand rose. Your fingers found the crisp texture of his white button up and you could feel the warm firmness of his chest beneath your palm. You could feel his eyes track your movements predatorily, your pulse ran wildly in your throat and chest and wrist. And you took a step towards him, invading his space and practically bathing in his cologne. Your eyes fluttered shut briefly just to indulge in the scene because it didn’t feel real and it was easier to convince yourself of a delusion your hopelessly romantic heart would create rather than burst your bubble with the reality that this all could be one sided. And that for them, this was friendship. 

“We should get going,” you said, eyes blinking back open to peer up at him. 

“What?” His eyes skittered across the features of your face. Confusion, however naive or innocent it may have been, was evident on his face when his blue eyes finally found yours. 

“We’ll be late if we don’t leave soon,” you explained gently, regret beginning to crawl its way up your arm and into your chest. “I’m sure Levi is starting to pace in the living room,” you added with a small laugh while gingerly pushing Erwin away from you. The distance made the fog start to clear up and your heart, while still palpitating beneath your breast, began to ease. He nodded again and when you looked up at him, eyes searching his, you weren’t too sure at what you were seeing in them. And you didn’t have the time nor energy to decipher it for fear of hurting your own feelings with an answer you wouldn’t like. 

You didn’t look back at him as you walked out of the bedroom and you kept your head down when you saw Levi standing at the window in your living room talking on the phone. When he heard your heels tapping on the floor, he said a hasty goodbye to whoever he was speaking to and his gaze burned against your body. Oddly, you felt like exposed wires and if both of them kept up whatever searing looks they shared with each other and subsequently you, your body would suddenly burst into flames. 

It was easy enough to deduce that there was a very palpable and tangible attraction between the three of you. That was especially evident in the car ride to the venue where the tension was the thickest it had ever been. The air, while perfumed with a blend of your fragrances, smelled distinctly of lust. As if Aphrodite herself was misting the air with whatever godly essence she had at her disposal. 

You sat tensely in the backseat as you attempted not to fidget with your jewelry and failed. There were electric sparks twitching through your fingertips and your knee bounced slightly as you kept your gaze fixed on the scenery blurring past your window. It was only a fifteen minute drive. But eternity wanted to make herself relevant that evening, so she wedged herself in between the seconds of time and stretched them infinitely. 

No words were spoken the entire way besides Erwin muttering under his breath about some song that began to play before he turned the radio off completely. Levi was typically quiet so this wasn’t out of the norm for him. But you, your senses were dialed all the way up. Colors were brighter, smells were stronger, sounds were louder. 

Maybe you were overstimulated. Maybe you couldn’t handle what was actually brewing in your previously nonexistent love life. Maybe you weren’t ready. 

The love was there. The love filled your heart so powerfully you were sure you could drown in its shores. But what if the love wasn’t enough and you were still too broken to accept anything more than silent yearning and painful moments of faux intimacy?

What if you were no longer worthy of the love that was right in front of you? It was easier to convince yourself that you weren’t enough now then get heartbroken later.

Erwin pulled up in front of the venue. It was being hosted in one of the fancy hotels downtown that Moblit was stressfully able to secure after the last venue canceled at the last minute due to double booking the space. Before you could get out of the car, Levi had already opened the door for you. You heard Erwin call out that he would meet you two up there while he found parking, but it was all so distant and muddled in your brain because you were too in your head about everything. 

“You alright?” Levi said, leaning in close so the words were said directly into your ear. He was shorter than you when you wore your heels, so when you glanced over at him your eyes had to look down. You bit the inside of your cheek as you nodded, your skin goosebumping despite the warmth of the evening. 

“Yeah,” you cleared your throat as you slipped your hand through the crook of his elbow, “just nervous, I think.”

“About?” He asked, guiding you through the glass doors of the hotel and straight into the chilly lobby. It was grander than you expected, the ceiling light years above you and adorned with twinkling chandeliers and elegant arches. It gave the impression of old money and status. Probably because it was one of the oldest buildings in the city, but to say you were stuck in a state of admiration was an understatement. There weren’t buildings like this back home. The architecture, in all of its artful integrity, made you oddly nostalgic for something you never had experienced before. And the ambience alone only added to the air of romanticism that draped over your evening. It was getting more difficult to deny that this night meant more to the three of you than you would care to admit. 

Levi tugged gently at your arm, reminding you that you had to continue to walk, but also that he asked you a question. When you turned to him he was already looking at you with clear amusement and the slightest of smiles pulling at the corners of his lips. You smiled back sheepishly, that annoying shyness returning to your body without your consent. 

“Sorry,” you replied, allowing him to pull you to an elevator that led to the rooftop where the fundraiser was being hosted. “I just don’t want to screw this up.”

You were purposefully vague in your answer. And you had a strong sense that Levi knew that, which was why he didn’t press you further on the issue. That was what you appreciated most about him. He was someone who allowed you to sit in silence beside him without the pressure of feeling like you had to explain yourself. Levi knew that when you were ready you would talk to him. You just weren’t sure when or if you ever would be ready. 

Luckily, some being unknown to you seemed to be watching over you because as soon as you stepped foot onto that beautifully decorated rooftop, sleek with modern detailing that stood as a drastic juxtaposition to the rest of the hotel, your hand was clasped between an excited Hange’s as they word vomited the last three hours of their life to you. 

“Well, thank you for the rundown, Hange,” you laughed, stepping away from Levi and finding that the air wasn’t as dizzying when you weren’t wrapped in his cologne. “And you look great by the way.”

“Me?” They practically squeaked out, “look at you! You look so stunning, I can’t believe I picked this out.”

“You’ve always had a good, if not wandering eye, my love,” Moblit responded, leaning over to kiss their cheek as he moved over to greet you with a steady hug and warm smile. You were beginning to feel more overwhelmed than you anticipated you would be. The air, even though you were outdoors, was stifling. It was a warm night, but not enough to have you choking inaudibly at every inhale. Your mind and body were torn between immense gratitude that after what could be such a short amount of time you found a group of people that you could no longer imagine life without and the growing dread that somehow, someway you would fuck this up. Life shouldn’t just go on, but it does. Love shouldn’t have just found you again, but it did. And you knew better than anyone that time and the future and all of its vast uncertainties waited for no one. 

So, as you watched Levi and Erwin mingle through the crowd. As you stood and conversed with Pixis about how much of a great addition you were to the staff. As your eyes scanned over the people around you, halting at Historia and her girlfriend, Ymir, Marco and Jean, Moblit and Hange. And finally, Levi and Erwin. 

The loneliness that you hadn’t felt in so long crept its way through your body. It scraped against your bones and clotted your bloodstream. Your heart thumped too quickly, but also stopped all together. You were going to ruin this. It hit you like a brick of certainty straight over the head and nearly enough to render you unconscious. 

You smiled at Erwin through the panic when his eyes found you across the rooftop. There was a momentary look of concern that you knew was a result of your shaky disposition, but you waved him off trying your best to reassure him that you were fine. You held up your glass of barely sipped chardonnay and tipped it his way to silently cheers him. He responded in kind with his glass of whiskey. And that small gesture should have been enough to quell your nerves. To let you know that no matter how alone you felt, you never truly were. But the music continued to play and couples began to filter towards the small makeshift dance floor and when you saw Erwin slip his hand into Levi’s to drag him to an outside corner of the floor to dance with him, envy coiled around your limbs. Its python-like grip held you in a vice that you knew you didn’t have the capacity to escape from. All you knew was the bright red exit sign glaring at you and your instinct to flee. There was no fight in you. You had to run like you always did. If not, the snake of jealousy would surely squeeze you to death. And unfortunately you weren’t ready to die. 

So, as they danced you downed the rest of your drink and headed for the exit. You were nearly to the door when someone caught your arm. The heavy hand startled you where their fingers held onto your forearm. 

“Are you okay?” Moblit asked, his grip loosening when you turned around to look up at him. Concern. It was there, reflecting beautifully across his irises, and knowing. He always seemed to see right through you and yet you still chose to lie to him. You squared your shoulders, smiled faintly, and said, “of course! I was just heading to the bathroom to cool off for a bit. It’s a little warm up here.”

He ignored the goosebumps that blossomed across your skin and the way you took a teetering step away from his body. He ignored the look of panic he surely saw plastered across your face beneath the mask you wore. However cracked or faded it may have been. And he let you leave. He watched as you walked towards the elevator and practically punched a hole into the button with your forefinger. Your mind was swimming with insecurities and fright and heart wrenching anxiety. You didn’t spare him or anyone a backwards glance as you stepped through the opening doors and pulled your phone out of your purse to order yourself an Uber.

Your vision was blurring and you knew tears were traitorously gathering in your lash line, but you swallowed them down. It wasn’t the time to fall apart. Maybe once you got home, to the familiarity of your belongings, you could find comfort in the loneliness that was starting to settle within you anew. The driver was only two minutes away and if you were lucky that was enough time not to raise any suspicions because you couldn’t explain your actions let alone your feelings to anyone without admitting how you were stupid enough to fall in love with your best friends. 

The sound of your heels on clean tile guided you through the lobby. It was the only sound to truly permeate the volume of your racing heart and screeching thoughts. There was a vibration coursing through you, one that thrummed harsher the longer you stood on the pavement and waited for the uber to arrive. When a black Nissan Sentra pulled up to the curb you didn’t think twice before opening the backseat door, which was dumb, but you didn’t have room to think about anything other than getting home as soon as possible.

“Ma’am, can you confirm your name please?” The driver said, angled slightly in his seat to look back at you. You cleared your throat before giving him your name, grateful that this was indeed your ride and you didn’t jump into the wrong car. Which would’ve been a much too late realization since you would have already gotten yourself voluntarily kidnapped. 

“Thank you,” you called out over your shoulder as he stopped in front of your home a few minutes later. Your palms were beginning to sweat from the way you were wringing your fingers in your lap the entire drive over. It was as if your body had too much energy coursing through it while also feeling completely drained. 

You were exhausted but knew you wouldn’t be sleeping any time soon. Your heels were the first to go when you entered your house, and next the bobby pins that held up your hair as you tossed them on the coffee table the further you walked inside. Your fingers immediately kneaded at your scalp in the hopes that it would relieve some of the pressure building inside your skull, but you knew it was hopeless when the stress only stacked higher in your chest. Guilt clawed its way through you again. Guilt for leaving Levi and Erwin wordlessly at an event you invited them to and guilt for even loving them as anything more than a friend. 

You braced your hands on the edge of the island as you tried to regulate your breathing and clear your mind from all the muddled thoughts plaguing you. Nothing was coherent. It was all irrational and blinding and you knew that if you didn’t get it together soon you’d be losing everything you built over the last year. And that wasn’t an option. Because you loved your home, your job, your annoyingly perceptive coworker, and most of all your stupidly handsome and considerate neighbors. 

You released a groan of frustration, the heels of your palms pressed into your closed eyes to keep the burning sensation from producing actual tears. Because there was nothing to cry over. Yet, anyways. You simply had to speak with them and maybe talking out loud about your feelings would resolve all the sickening turmoil swirling around your gut day in and day out.

Maybe you should pray. Maybe God or the universe or even whatever spirit guide was bestowed upon you in this life could offer you some insight on how to navigate this truly complicated situation you have somehow found yourself in but also managed to create. You reached an arm around to unzip your dress because the fabric was now clinging to you in a way that you didn’t like. In a way that was suffocating and invasive. But as you struggled to grip the zipper slider between your fingers the entire house seemed to shake with the force of whoever was knocking on your door. The banging stopped after three sharp knocks. Your heart and stomach seemed to swap places in your body as your heartbeat plummeted to your abdomen and acid rose to burn your chest. To say you were startled was an understatement. You were paralyzed with fear from the intrusion and as you slowly turned to face the door the banging resumed. This time it was accompanied by your name and a voice that sounded eerily like Erwin’s except this one was angry. Unfamiliar. The step you were prompted to take was halted midair when the realization struck that he was angry with you.

You didn’t think of that possibility when your spiral began. That your reaction to the overload of emotions brewing inside of you would hurt Erwin or Levi to the point of anger. Neither of them had ever been mad at you, so whatever was occurring or even about to occur was territory you had never ventured into. So, you hesitated. 

“Open the door,” Erwin said through the door and you could vividly imagine the words spitting from between a clenched jaw and gritted teeth. It was rare that Erwin was ever angry and never so outwardly so. He preferred to contain his anger and redirect it elsewhere. Like work or running. But this was directed at you. Plain and simple. 

Any anxiety that was coursing through you before was now swiftly replaced by distinct dread and child-like fear of being scolded. You didn’t want to open the door because you didn’t want to admit that you did anything wrong. But the guilt that followed you home said otherwise. 

You opened the door. Erwin stood there with his hand braced on the doorframe and the other on his hip, his hair tousled and a mess, and the tie he wore was loosened and hung limply around his neck. You hated the way your body reacted to him. You hated how when his eyes, darkened with anger and glistening with hurt, met yours, your heart stuttered and a breathless ‘oh’ left your lips. You hated that even while seemingly livid with you, you couldn’t help but find him just as astonishingly beautiful as the day you met. 

“Before I say what I really wanna say,” he started, inhaling deeply as he unclenched his jaw clearly restraining himself. “Are you okay?”

It wasn’t what you were expecting him to ask so all you could manage was a surprised blink, parted lips, and a stuttered exhale. 

“Answer me,” he added with much less resolve and you had to take a physical step back to gather your thoughts. 

“Y-yeah, I just,” you couldn’t come up with anything remotely convincing so you settled with, “I was feeling off.”

He scoffed incredulously as he stood at his full height forcing your head to follow. His gaze was practically predatory as he stepped over the threshold and into your home. Backing you into the wall that was at the entrance.

“You were feeling off,” he said slowly, ruminating over the words trying to decide where the truth was in that statement. 

You nodded. He chuckled.

“Where’s Levi?” You asked in an attempt to divert some of the tension onto something else, someone else. 

“Not sure,” he said, eyes still locked on you as you both stood rooted to the floor of your entryway. “Why’d you leave?”

“I wasn’t feeling well,” you scrambled for words. 

“Why didn’t you tell me? We could’ve left,” he responded evenly, like it was the most sensible option. And it was, but an hour ago that option wasn’t viable.

“I-” you sighed trying to force words up your throat and out of your lips, “I didn’t wanna be a bother. You two were mingling and dancing and I didn’t wanna ruin that.”

“So you thought that leaving unannounced without saying goodbye without pulling me or Levi to let us know something was wrong wasn’t going to ruin that?” His voice rose towards the end of his question out of frustration you assumed, but you felt yourself growing defensive. Regardless of whether or not you were in the wrong, an anger that you knew was rooted in jealousy and falsely placed resentment was beginning to rival Erwin’s. 

“No, Erwin, I didn’t think that-”

“Maybe that’s the problem! You didn’t think, you just left. Because if you really thought it through you would've come to me.” You walked away from him, needing to physically remove yourself from his overwhelming presence that you usually found such comfort in, but couldn’t bear at the moment. 

“I couldn’t!” You shouted, unable to think straight anymore with every single emotion you’ve ever felt bubbling uncomfortably in your gut. 

“Why?!” He was growing more agitated purely because he didn’t understand. Every time he tried to wrap his head around the decisions you made he couldn’t find a logical conclusion. “Do you not trust me?”

Your head reared back as if you had just been slapped. The hurt in his tone was evident, but you were mostly shocked by the mere idea that he would believe you didn’t trust him. After everything you all had been through together. 

“Of course I trust you,” you said, voice broken and exhaustion seeping through every syllable. 

“Then why do you keep running?” It was a valid question and one you’ve asked yourself more times than you could count. And even after all the contemplation, you still couldn’t come up with an answer that was satisfactory. Not to you and surely not to Erwin.

“Because,” you struggled to find the words. Erwin was looking at you so expectantly, so patiently yet you couldn’t arrange a coherent sentence in your mind that would constitute a normal response. Panic began to rise like bile in your throat. Your breathing hiccupped not once, but twice when you forced yourself to look at Erwin’s face. 

The heart that you worked so hard on repairing was starting to crack. The honey that you tirelessly poured into every gash to piece it back together was starting to reveal itself as just a sticky mess. You were about to fall apart again but this time the only person to blame was yourself. Your insecurities and self doubt. Your fear and self-loathing. It was all you. Only you struck the match of sabotage and now there was a fire burning around you that you couldn’t put out. 

“Because I-” Everything was stuck, your vocal chords were shrinking, your chest was tight and with blurred vision you swore that when you stared into Erwin’s eyes in desperation you found a love there that was so profound and deeply moving that your body swayed and your knees could no longer bear the weight of you. 

His hands found your face before you sunk to the ground from weariness. His fingers were strong as they met at the back of your head and his thumbs were reassuring as they wiped what you could only assume were tears from your cheeks. 

“I need you to stay with me,” he said reverently, “with Levi. We need you to get it together and stay.”

You swallow a sob. “I don’t think you understand what you’re asking of me.”

“I’m asking you to stay.” His grip tightened slightly against your cheeks and your breathing while still irregular became deeper, more natural. “We can stay like this. Like we have been for all this time or…”

His face drew nearer and for a second you thought it was something you were imagining. Something that you have imagined, countless times. A figment of your delusion that you swore would never be a reality. But then his nose touched the tip of yours. A gasp caught in your throat. And before you could begin to utter his name, his lips slotted between yours. Your eyes fluttered shut and everything that never made sense started to. Every question suddenly had an answer. The sticky sweet residue of a honey repaired heart was being wiped clean. 

Your hands rose to grip the lapels of his suit jacket and for the first time in an abnormally long time, you leaned in. Trusted that if you fell, someone would catch you. Erwin’s lips became more insistent, his tongue gently slipped into your open mouth and you rose higher on your toes to be closer to him. You needed to be closer to him because he anchored you to this world. To this reality that you never thought would be within reach. 

Then you thought of Levi and how he wasn’t here and how this moment felt wrong. Out of place. Your soles met the cold floor again and you took a staggering step away from the warmth and familiarity of Erwin’s embrace. 

“We shouldn’t have done that.” Your fingers touched your kiss bitten lips with a twisted sort of awe. It was right. At least it felt that way. But you still shouldn’t have done it because he was your best friend and in a relationship with someone you loved so dearly. So, it must have been wrong.

“It’s okay.” Levi stood in the entrance of your home. The door was still open and the moonlight lit him up like a beacon. Your eyes, although they were still a bit watery, drank him in. He no longer wore his suit jacket and his shirt was unbuttoned enough for the open collar to expose his collarbones. He wore a faint blush on his cheeks but it was impossible to see the extent of it since you never bothered to turn on any lights when you arrived. You were guided solely by the alluring temptation of the moon’s gentle white light. 

“Levi, I’m so s-sorry,” you stuttered out, eyes jumping between Erwin, who looked just as disheveled as you felt, and Levi. 

“You don’t have to apologize.”

“No, but I do. We got carried away and we shouldn’t have done that,” you pointedly made that last remark at Erwin, whose lips were still painted red from your lipstick. While you felt the gravity of regret on your shoulders none of it was reflected in Erwin and of all things that gave you pause. He seemed just as self assured and confident as the day you met him under the serenity of that early spring morning. 

“We’ve already talked about this,” he said, trying to close that distance between you again but you only retreated further into your living room. 

“Already talked about what?”

“Us. The idea of us, at least,” Erwin said, but confusion still lingered on your face. 

“I think we can all agree that it has felt different between us for quite some time now,” Levi said delicately. As if he was trying to soothe a cornered animal. You knew exactly what he meant. It’s felt different for you for months, but you never said anything because you weren’t about to look like a homewrecker or destroy a friendship that has been invaluable to you since you moved to this city. So, the frustration, in all of its wayward forms, was rumbling within you like the commencement of a volcanic eruption. 

“If the two of you knew you had feelings for me…” Your mind was tracing back over all the moments that you thought you were reading too much into. The touching, the nearly kissing, the flirting. It was all so obvious, but you ignored it all because it only made you feel like you were dipping your toes into the deep waters of insanity. “If you talked about it, why not tell me?”

“We didn’t really know how.” Levi said.

“And we didn’t wanna scare you off,” Erwin added. Breathing was becoming foreign to you and the ground beneath your feet swayed in an unfamiliar way. You were almost frustrated by this confession. Nearly angry at this proclamation because while you sat in your feelings, alone and petrified at the idea of loss. Of losing them. They had each other. Their feelings and flirting seemed so easy to you because it was so much easier for them. 

“I can’t do this,” you gasped, hands smoothing over your dress in a frantic move to try to soothe yourself. 

“But-”

“Right now,” you added, interrupting Erwin when the clear look of hurt flashed across his features. “I’m- this is a lot and I think I need some time.”

“Do you not feel the same?” Levi asked, his voice hardening in an attempt to shield how upset he was. 

“Of course I feel the same! It’s all I’ve been feeling for months, but until now I thought I was alone in that. Can you even begin to imagine the guilt I’ve been feeling the moment I realized I was in love with you?!” The words erupted from your chest and out your lips before you could consider using a bit more tact. But tact was for the patient and you ran out of that a long time ago. 

“You two have had each other in this and you always will, but until two seconds ago I thought that my feelings would ruin us. I thought my love for you would end this and I couldn’t bear the idea of losing either of you so I left,” you rambled out the words in a single breath. Your heart raced and your skin grew clammy. 

They both stood silently as you inhaled a breath far shakier than you intended. You hated the feeling of hopelessness that was building in your chest. It was aggravating. The lack of control you had was morphing every emotion you felt into anger and you didn’t want to continue this conversation angry. It would just cause everything to blow up and that was the last possible thing you wanted. 

Levi said your name in a whisper so soft it was only heard because of how eerily quiet your home was. Not even the hum of the air conditioning filled the still air. When your eyes met his, you saw the emotional conflict you were positive was a reflection of your own features. It was starting to seem like you were dedicated to living a life where all you did was inflict heartbreak. 

“I think we should continue this conversation tomorrow,” you said, voice thick with emotion but above all else, complete exhaustion. And when Levi took a step towards you in protest, you took one away from him. 

“Ok,” Erwin cut in, his hand heavy on Levi’s shoulder. You could tell neither of them wanted to actually leave, but you weren’t really giving them an option. Your brain was muddled and your feelings were an absolute clusterfuck that you needed to untangle before you could even begin to express them to Levi and Erwin. 

The door shut and the distinct sound of the lock turning into place served as a reminder that you were alone again. You intended to be alone. You technically wanted and even asked for it. But the cavity it left behind was a gruesome, bleeding hole right through where your heart was supposed to be. 

Funnily enough though, you didn’t cry. You couldn’t really bring yourself to produce tears anymore. So that night, instead of sleeping, you laid restlessly staring at the moving blades of your ceiling fan until the sun peeked through the tiny sliver where your curtains didn’t quite meet. You laid there until your weekend alarm rang signalling that it was now eight o’clock in the morning. The floor was cold when your bare feet met it, but it didn’t bother you much. You were beginning to fear that if you continued to tear yourself away from endings that could award you happiness even if short lived, you would just end up numbing yourself to everything. 

In an attempt to protect yourself from sadness, you had chosen again and again to dull whatever traces of happiness that came your way. It was dumb. And absolutely no way to live life. Even if all you were truly searching for was contentment. 

You drank your coffee black that morning in some weird effort to punish yourself. Again, stupid. Because you hated black coffee. So, it then sat untouched after two pathetic sips in your sink. It wasn’t difficult to come to a decision, but you wanted to make sure your words were chosen carefully and articulately. There was no room for error. Even when you knew that with Erwin and Levi mistakes were easily forgiven when it came to you. But you were sure their patience would only last so long. So you gave yourself the afternoon. 

The pier always seemed to call to you in moments like these. The wind was sharp even in the hottest months with the way it whipped at your clothes. There was the distinct smell of algae that the breeze carried that in a very odd way felt comforting to you. The horizon was endless except when the sun was setting. At that point, the water ended in a fiery blaze of pinks and oranges. It was beautiful and a gentle reminder that despite life’s hardships the sun will always set and waves will always lap at the earth’s shore. 

It was your most indulgent form of escapism. It was where you decided to grow past the woes of your broken heart and begin anew. This decision, however, was not nearly as difficult to make. There was only one true option in your mind for you and even though that rational and annoying part of your brain questioned the logistics of entering a relationship that already had roots and branches and leaves that had fallen and grew back again. You were sure flowers even bloomed and died for them a million times over. It wasn’t a question of if you should take this chance, but how willing you were to give yourself away entirely. 

Insecurities that you carried around for far longer than you cared to admit still mingled and nestled their way into your life. But you were tired of allowing them to dictate who you were and what love you were deserving of. Because in front of you, beside you, and surrounding you was a love being offered in its purest form. And in some comically ironic way, if you denied yourself that it would be the most selfish thing you ever did. 

You took one last grounding breath before peeling yourself away from the railing that separated you from the water. It was resolute and for the first time in quite awhile, there was no doubt clouding your mind and obscuring your thoughts. It was as clear as the skies overhead and your heart wasn’t sitting heavily in your chest like you had become accustomed to. 

On the way home, you stopped by the bakery you knew had the lemon cake Levi was so fond of. Then from there, you stopped by the grocery store to grab some white wine to accompany it. It almost felt like you were trying to impress them. Which brought a small smile to your face because you kind of were. And even though you had sat in their home and them in yours dozens of times before eating and drinking wine, you knew that the outcome of this one would be drastically different. 

You thought of Erwin’s kiss as you rode the train through downtown and how even in a fit of such volatile emotions, his lips were earnest and tender as they pressed against yours. It annoyed you a little that that was how your first kiss went after so many nights imagining a hundred different scenarios. The passion was always there in the moments you allowed yourself to daydream, but there was none of that angry insecurity you seemed to harbor so closely to your chest last night. 

It was a disservice to everyone the way you reacted, but you were grateful that when you knocked on their door, cake and wine in hand, Erwin greeted you. His hair was slightly messy like he never washed out the product from the night before. He also looked comfortable in a graphic t-shirt you knew wasn’t his, but Miche’s after he spilled a drink on his own shirt one night at the bar. He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes like it usually did. And that sight alone had guilt creeping up your throat like bile. 

“Can I come in?” You asked, shy and unsure. 

“Yeah,” he said, voice scratchy from lack of use as he side stepped to let you through the door. 

Their home smelled like freshly brewed coffee. Their drip machine still gurgled in the corner to indicate that a pot was ready. The air was tense despite the comfort you found in their space. And you walked over to the island, like you had done so many times before, with measured steps so as to not disturb whatever illusion of peace the atmosphere carried. 

You heard Erwin’s footsteps retreat behind you and you assumed he was walking down the hall to get Levi. Suddenly, nerves washed over you like nausea on a swaying boat in the middle of the Atlantic. Your mouth filled with saliva yet your throat was too dry to swallow and all the words you carefully practiced in your head were gone. Not a single one remained and were instead replaced with a sprawling landscape of nothing. 

Before you had the chance to come up with anything, you heard them return. It was Levi’s voice that broke the silence, but instead of turning around to face them you opened the box that held the lemon cake. Only twisting around to look at them once it was securely out of its container. 

“I brought cake,” you offered meekly, hands gesturing to the small pastry on their island. The tension was so incredibly thick you felt like you might as well have been at the bottom of the ocean. The weight of being crushed by water would have probably been easier than this. Not to be dramatic. 

“I see that,” Levi said, face serious and eyes skeptical as he looked between your awkward fidgeting and the cake beside you. You realized rather belatedly that they were not going to save you from this mess you created. They waited, Levi impatiently and Erwin impatiently amused. You could tell because he seemed to be enjoying the view of you squirming even though his lips were set in a thin line, his eyes told a wildly different story. You decided to rip off the bandaid.

“Maybe I freaked out a little last night,” you said, pathetic and a bit dismissively.

“Maybe?” Levi.

“A little?” Erwin. 

“Ok fine. I definitely freaked out last night,” you amended, hands wringing together in front of you as you looked through the sliver of space between them. Your eyes drew up to the ceiling as you took a deep breath, stress and anxiety holding hands within your body. 

“After I realized that I wanted more from this relationship than just friendship, I became almost obsessed with the idea of losing you,” you admitted, eyes still averted. “And I understand how dramatic that might sound, but my life here would be nothing without either of you in it so I settled. I settled for friends with this really weird undercurrent of sexual tension.”

You heard a breathy chuckle and when you looked over, you were surprised to see that it was Levi. His head was bowed and he was shaking it softly from one side to the other. There was a smile on his face that he attempted to hide from you. The sight baffled you. And it wasn’t like Levi never laughed. 

“What’s so funny?” There was obvious petulance in your tone, you couldn’t help it. Stomping your proverbial foot. 

“You,” he answered, looking up at you between the curtains of his bangs. “You’re funny. You’re also ridiculous. And occasionally irrational. Emotional-”

“Ok,” you interrupted, not appreciating the sudden onslaught of insults. 

“And smart. Too smart to be this in denial about our situation.”

“I’m not a mind reader, Levi,” you huffed, annoyed now.

“And pretty, which makes it hard to ever stay mad at you even when I want to be.”

You blushed. Hot and fierce. It shouldn’t have been this easy to disarm you. But it clearly was. And now he was stepping closer to you and you couldn’t move. Not that you wanted to. It also was no longer a problem. You didn’t have to force space between you whenever tensions became too thick. Too unbearable. 

You looked at Erwin over Levi’s shoulder. He winked. Your face grew hotter. Levi could surely feel the rise in your temperature whenever his hand lifted to cup your cheek. 

“Can we just go back to normal now? You were starting to give me a stress headache,” he said, face closer than it had ever been. 

“I think we’re actually in a weirder place than we started,” you responded, a whispered laugh punctuating your sentence with nerves. 

“No,” he shook his head, smiling as his thumb moved to caress the apple of your cheek. “We’re exactly where we should’ve been months ago.”

Your eyes drifted to his lips. The same lips you almost kissed once before. You swallowed thickly. God, you wanted to kiss him so bad, but he was taking forever. 

When your eyes lifted to look at him, he was already looking at you. His eyes were dark and he waited, as if awaiting your permission. He had it. He’s had it for such a long time. But maybe he needed something more. Something more explicit. But words were so useless to you from the moment you stepped into their home.

Instead your hands rose to hold his face, fingers feeling the short cropped hair at the back of his head. You didn’t want to wait anymore. You were so sick of waiting. Your whole life was spent just waiting. Wasting time. Mourning moments lost to the ticking hands of a clock. 

So without thought or a morsel of apprehension you kissed him. His lips were soft and his mouth tasted of coffee. The world went fuzzy as your vision blacked out and all you could feel was him. 

His free hand found your waist and he tugged you closer. He was so warm. His fingers felt hot as they drifted down your cheek to your neck. Sparks were everywhere. Skirting across your exposed skin. Rioting behind your eyelids. 

Oh, the kiss was better than anything your imagination could ever conjure. It felt so right. Just like Erwin’s. It was perfect. And you hated how long it took you to take this leap. Your body fit so wonderfully against his. 

Goosebumps. They erupted when his fingers somehow slipped beneath the hem of your t-shirt. You gasped. Touch-starved wouldn’t even begin to explain how deprived you have been. 

“Ehem,” Erwin cleared his throat. The lusty, dense fog that hung over your kiss dissipated. You jolted away from Levi out of shock. 

You forgot you were being watched. Your skin was far too hot. Your clothes were now constricting. And when you looked at Erwin, your fingers pressing against your lips, his eyes were darker than you’ve ever seen them. The blue was nearly gone, overtaken but his black pupils. And his ears were a deep scarlet.

Erwin looked relaxed but you knew he wasn’t. His shoulders were too tight. His breathing was too ragged. Uneven. He was barely restraining himself. 

“I was thinking,” you started, voice roughened from an arousal that was erupting erratically beneath your skin. Levi was looking at you reverently. It shocked you because the furrow between his brows and the way his eyes narrowed could be mistaken for anger. But you knew better. 

He wanted you. Your stomach twisted and your lips parted and something wild was rattling between your three bodies. Untamed. 

“I was thinking,” you started again, looking down at the counter, eyes trained on the cake you brought. Your voice was wobbly, hands sweating.

“We should go on a date,” you said quickly, everything rushed out in a breath. 

Erwin’s laugh boomed in the quiet of their home. It was loud, shocked, and his muscles eased. He nearly doubled over. The laughing was contagious. It struck Levi first, who’s hand rose to massage the bridge of his nose and his shoulders shook. 

Your lips pursed to one side in an attempt not to join them. Unsure of what was so comical. But understanding that it effectively burst the bubble of desire that was surely about to kill you.

“We’ve been on a million dates,” Erwin said between chuckles. 

“No,” you pointed at him with a light laugh of your own. “We’ve hung out as friends. Friends who lacked real boundaries but still friends.”

“What are we gonna do? Go to dinner?” He asked, taunting your suggestion. But all in good fun.

“No, not dinner,” you rolled your eyes. “Something different. Romantic.”

“Like what?” Levi asked, skeptical, face still red from kissing you. 

“I’ll plan it.” You grabbed your bag that you dropped onto one of the barstools when you first arrived and slung it over your shoulder. Excitement shot through you. Raw; unbridled excitement. You wanted to do something silly. Like jump up and down. Or twirl in dizzying circles. Your smile nearly split your face. 

“Next Saturday be prepared to be romanced.” 

[levithestripper]

they're too cute i cant

some very little guys

[loveandpeaceanddoughnuts]

For my insomniac: Erwin Smith x Reader [Ch. 3]

(Ch. 1-2 here) Erwin keeps vigil at your bedside as you fight through vivid nightmares in the infirmary and tries to keep you safe in the waking world. The feelings rising in you both are growing too strong to ignore, and too dangerous to admit.

an: ongoing fic originally posted on ao3! // cw: canon-typical violence/gore/horror

Your maneuver gear is dead weight, the last of the gas used up in a pathetic little puff that sent you hurtling toward the ground. You were always bad at gauging what you had left, and right now you don’t have the luxury of mourning the loss. You hit the ground hard, a wet snap somewhere below your waist. Another thing you can’t afford to care about right now. 

You drag yourself to the relative safety of a stand of trees, sliding your blades out with a grating schhhck before shrugging off the rest of the gear. Your body is on fire, only the deepest of impulses still pulsing in your brain, to survive survive survive. You can feel the incoming titans before you see them, the ground shaking under their mindless steps. There are too many. There are always too many.

Your frantic eyes land on a smear of blood in the clearing to your left, following it to the pile of steaming viscera that was once your comrade. You bend double and dry heave until acid trickles past your lips, coating your teeth. You don’t have time for this. There is never enough time.

You force your eyes back up to scan the area, searching for any signs of life. You can’t be the last one left alive, you can’t be alone out here- there. A human figure is lying face-down in the clearing. You run for them, momentarily forgetting the titans as you flee the shelter of the trees. Lightning bolts of pain spike up your leg from whatever you broke in your fall, but you ignore it. Getting out of here with most of your limbs intact would be a blessing. 

“Hey! HEY!” You shout and wave your arms frantically as you run, stumbling and picking yourself back up over and over until your good leg gives out. But you have to keep moving. You claw yourself forward over the battleground, your splintering nails a drop of discomfort in the agony that has become your body. You can see now that the figure is clad in a shredded Scout jacket, the wings of freedom in tatters on their twisted shoulders. As you near them, you’re hit with the overwhelming smell of rot: sun-baked decay and hot metal blood. 

Your stomach seizes again when you see the shock of blonde hair, recognizable even through the layers of matted dirt. “Commander?” The words tear through your throat but leave your lips as a strangled whisper, a fist squeezing your lungs. “Commander! Can you hear me?” You try to flip him over, desperate to see his face. 

His body moves much too easily, light as kindling. A cloud of flies engulfs you as you turn him, disturbed from their resting place in the slick pool of Erwin’s blood. You look around wildly for someone, anyone else to help, to witness this, but you’re alone. The corpses of your comrades litter the field like stones. Your eyes skip over his body each time you try to look, your mind fighting to protect you. You force yourself to stare down, to see him- and immediately turn and retch into the dirt. 

Erwin is gone. Most of Erwin is gone, that is. His face is somehow intact, but everything below his shoulders is a sickening smear of torn flesh and open wounds. Turning him over seems to have disturbed whatever trick of gravity had managed to hold him together. The ropy pink of intestines slop over his abdomen, and you wonder hysterically if you could push it all back in, put him back together.

You drag your gaze back to his face, your mind going blank in an effort to keep you sane. You’re staring at him, shock-numb and frozen, when his eyes open. “Erwin…? Commander!” You lean over him, heart racing. “I’m here, I’m here. I’ll get you out of here…” Again, your voice is squeezed and warped on its way out of your mouth. Your reassurance twists into a ragged groan, an inhuman noise.

The Commander’s feverish eyes lock on you, their sky blue clouded with mists of blood. His features distort into a mask of absolute horror. You watch in shock as he tries to scrabble upright with a pulpy mess of limbs that are no longer there, flinging himself backward in an attempt to get away from you. Utter terror propels his broken body, and he makes it a few feet before you reach out, trying to soothe him, to stop your Commander from smearing his own cooling corpse across the battlefield.  

A titan’s hand reaches for Erwin, coming from behind you. You spin around, readying your blades, but there’s nothing there. You whirl back to him, increasingly panicked, incoherent pleas spilling out. “Please, Commander, calm down, we have to get you out of here, I’ll stop them, I swear, just stop fighting…”

The huge hand stretches out once more, almost as if it were trying to stroke his cheek. Erwin screams, and you wish that you had died before you had to hear the sound. He’s reaching blindly with the fingers he has left for blades that aren’t there, ready to die fighting. You move to cover your mouth, to hold in the scream that’s building. The massive hand of a titan swings up and presses over your lips. Your hand. 

No, no, no, this can’t be- you squeeze your eyes shut and suck in a breath, then look back down at your hands. The huge, obscene hands of a titan. You look back to Erwin, propped on his elbows now and staring at you with searing hate, panting through the foamy blood at his lips.

“Erwin…” your whisper dissipates. Your voice is forgotten. You raise your ODM sword, the ultrahard steel glinting dully in the vast expanse of your grip. “Have mercy,” you can’t say. “Forgive me,” you can’t think. You reach back and slash the blade across the nape of your neck, falling forward, the Commander’s name a prayer that flashes across the last synapse of your dying brain.

You bolt awake with a strangled scream. Oxygen pours into your lungs, your hands flung out in front of you, somehow still responding to your severed spinal cord- no, not severed. Your hands are your own, raw-bitten nail beds and old scars. Nausea floods over you and you hang over the edge of the cot- an infirmary cot, you’re in the barracks?- to vomit your empty stomach into a bucket.

A strong hand is at your back, another holding back your hair as you gag. The contact makes you shudder, whip around defensively, teeth bared for a fight, but the adrenaline leaves you in a rush as you see the Commander. He’s pale, but the fear in his eyes is for you, not of you.

“You’re safe. You’re safe,” he rumbles, his hand squeezing yours. All you can see when you look up at him is the vision of his torn body on the battlefield, his corpse trying to escape you, the blood, the gore… you shudder, tears spilling over your lashes. 

“Erwin… Commander!” You’re fully back to yourself now, horrified that you whispered his first name. The guilt mixes with your relief to be back in reality.

The Commander doesn’t reprimand you. His eyes, blessedly clear of blood, remain on you as you stare at your entwined hands, confusion and exhaustion written across your face. His heart is pounding madly in his chest, the sound of you whispering his name echoing in his ears, though he doesn’t show it. He stays quiet for a moment, letting you get your bearings as he grounds himself. 

He finally speaks, his voice low and steady. “You had a nightmare, Captain. I tried to wake you,” he swallows and looks away, his hand squeezing yours. “You were calling for me.” 

You move to pull your hand away, trying to distance yourself from the impropriety. “Please forgive my boldness, sir.” Erwin’s grip tightens, refusing to let you go.

“Forgive you?” He echoes. “You have nothing to be sorry for. You were dreaming, in pain, disoriented. Do not apologize.” There’s no anger in his gaze, just concern and something softer. He speaks slowly, choosing his words with care. “Captain, I am aware that you have not been sleeping. I had my suspicions based on your recent performance, but the medic informed me that you are severely deprived. Is this why? Do you often have these dreams?”

Your face crumpled, the weight of keeping the secret suddenly gone. “Yes,” you whisper bitterly. “Every night, sir. There are some differences, but the horror of it- that’s always the same. Sometimes I’d rather stay awake than face it, weak as that makes me.”

Erwin nodded. “I understand. And it doesn’t make you weak.” His voice is firm. “You aren’t the only soldier that fights this battle, Captain.” You look up at him, glassy-eyed. 

“...sir?”

His tone is gentle, but his words sting. “Do you imagine you are the only person in this regiment with nightmares? The only one with memories pushed so far down that they surface the moment sleep strips your defenses? That you’re the only one who sees them?”

You squeeze your eyes shut in a vain attempt to hide the faces of the Scouts lost on your last mission, conjured by his words. “No, sir.” His thumb traces patterns on the back of your hand. 

“You can’t shoulder this alone, Captain. You owe your soldiers more than that. You owe yourself more than that. I…” he catches himself and looks down, uncharacteristic conflict on his face. “The Scouts. We need you.”

Your breath catches, not just from your fractured ribs. “Yes, sir.” 

Erwin nods firmly and stands up, suddenly all business again. “It seems the medication caused you to sleep, but the nightmare kept you from truly resting. I will speak to the medic about alternative treatment.” He slides his hand out of yours without comment, but you see a shiver run across his broad shoulders. 

“Thank you, sir. I appreciate your concern.” You try your best to match his professionalism, still reeling from the moment of vulnerability. You have the fleeting, wild desire to make him stay, but can’t think of anything to justify it. He’s wasted enough time with you.

The Commander inclines his head to you and straightens his jacket as he prepares to leave. He’s halfway to the door when he says over his shoulder, “Don’t forget what we have spoken about, Captain. I wish you a speedy recovery.” Then he’s gone. 

Erwin strides out of the infirmary, keeping his face perfectly composed until he’s safely behind the door of his quarters. As soon as the door is shut and locked, he presses his forehead against the thick wood. “Goddamn it.” That was a mistake. He should have waited to see you, let the medic handle your recovery and send another officer to check on you a week from now. Anything but spend hours at your bedside, holding your hand, watching you breathe. He closed his eyes, but still saw you lying on the cot, tossing in your sleep. Still heard the sound of his first name on your lips, your sweet voice pleading for him, ragged in fear. 

A dull headache settled at the base of his skull. How long had it been since he had stooped so low? Had shown such weakness in front of a subordinate? Whatever it was, it had to stop here. It was far too dangerous to feel what he was feeling for you, this soft-edged burn in his chest.

Three days passed in relative peace. There were no casualties from the missions currently outside the walls, and the soldiers within the barracks were civil and productive. Erwin was kept busy with his usual duties, but while his body was occupied his mind was filled with thoughts of you. He badly wanted to check on your recovery, but was afraid to encourage what was blossoming inside of him to grow.

For your part, you had been largely dead to the world. A fever had taken hold of your sleep-deprived body, leaving you indefinitely confined to the infirmary. You were almost grateful for the illness in your lucid moments, able to push away the mess of thoughts and feelings that your last encounter with the Commander had brought about. The longer you languished in your cot, the more fuzzy-edged the memory of his hand in yours became. Had you imagined it all? A fever-dream?

But you couldn’t have dreamed up the way the memory made your heart race. The way the thought of his steel-blue eyes made your vague, ever-present nausea coalesce into butterflies. Your nightmares used to cycle through the many faces of your comrades each night, the same plot reenacted with different victims. Since your encounter with Erwin, however, the broken figure on the battlefield was always him . He was always the victim of your monstrosity, and you didn’t dare to dwell on what that meant.

Erwin had been immediately informed of your condition. Though he was determined to keep his distance, he had ordered the medic to send him regular updates, and was anxiously waiting to hear that your fever had broken. He was signing death notices in his office when a soldier ran in, breathless with news.

“Commander, the Captain is delirious and combative. The medic is requesting your immediate intervention. They can’t handle her, sir.” Erwin is already out the door, the soldier trotting at his side to keep up.

“Have they administered the medication we discussed? Something non-sedating for sleep?”

The soldier shook his head, looking scared to answer. “N-no, sir. I heard them say she was too unstable for it.”

Erwin swore under his breath. “Understood. You’re dismissed.” The soldier gratefully ran in the other direction of the Commander’s war path. Erwin stormed into your infirmary room, clenching his jaw as he absorbed the scene of overturned furniture and strewn bedding.  

You were struggling against the medic who was manhandling you into bed, all flailing limbs and teeth. They had a syringe aimed at the inside of your left arm and slammed the plunger down just as Erwin made it to your side. The medic stepped back, unapologetic as they met the Commander’s fury. “They were out of control, sir.”

“It’s your job to handle that, is it not?”

“My job is to run this infirmary and patch up your soldiers, sir. I can’t do either with your Captain trying to kill me and my team.” Erwin clenched his fists but gave a curt nod.

“I see. Please excuse us.” The medic silently left the room. 

The Commander’s figure swam in and out of focus, backlit in a halo of candlelight as you stared up at him woozily. You smiled softly, not recognizing him through the fever-fog. 

“You’re so beautiful. Are you an angel?” You reach up to cup his cheek in one clammy palm. “Am I dying?”

The angel trembles, his calloused hand gently prying yours away. “Captain. You’re sick, but you’re not dying. I won’t let you.” 

You try to sit up, reaching for him again, but your body fails you. You collapse against the bed, gasping at the pain that knifes through your chest. The angel leans forward, pressing against your shoulder in an attempt to keep you still. “Try not to move. That’s an order.”

The sound of the grim directive allows your brain to name the angel, a flash of duty-bound recognition. “Commander…” You look up at him in awe, only coherent enough for the truth. “I’m so tired. It hurts.”

“I know,” he murmurs. “I’m sorry.” He brushes sweat-soaked hair off your forehead with the back of his hand, the other still holding your shoulder firm. “I told you that I wouldn’t let them sedate you again, and I failed.”

Your chest aches at the look on his face, and you offer what you hope is a reassuring smile. “It’s okay. I feel all warm and floaty.” You try to remember what could be wrong with the fuzzy-headed medicine, and frown. “But I can’t sleep. If I sleep I’ll have bad dreams…”

“I know,” Erwin says again. He stares down at you, the fever blushing your hollow cheeks as you meet his gaze with heartbreaking trust. He steps back, the weight of your faith in him suddenly crushing.

Your eyelids start to close against your will. You’re too weak to resist. All you can do is keep your eyes on your Commander as you’re pulled under, trying to carry the image of his unbroken body into the nightmare that awaits you.

[softcursechoso]

Memoirs from a Gilded Cage: CH. 5

Attack on Titan x Reader

Black!Reader Levi x Reader Erwin x Reader

Masterlist

MDNI! // 18+ // NO SPOILERS ARE OFF LIMITS!

CH. 3 Warnings: None - Erwin being a sweetie pie thoooo

Words: 3.7k+

SEEING YOU

The Eternal Thread Shop : 12:58pm : Mitras

“This is so hopeless! I don’t understand why you put so much effort into this stupid hobby!” Tinsley yelled at the very poorly made scarf she was crafting. “It all falls apart at the seams!”

The two of you were in the backroom of your shop. The area where you got all of your tailoring done. Once again your sister was hounding you on teaching her how to sew. You tried telling her it’s not something that she’ll master in a day or two but she wouldn’t listen. She insisted Captain Smith needed a pair of gloves laced with her scent.

You sat behind your sewing table, and Tinsley sat on the other side with her back toward the door. She wore her favorite color blue once again. Square neckline, form fitting dress. Her gloves sat together on your desk as she worked away.

As for you, a dark brown sleeveless halter turtleneck dress with an open back. The dress fit your form down to your ankles. No one wore things like this, but that was a part of your experimentation as a seamstress. Seeing what worked and what didn’t. Although nothing could be seen, it still might be too sexy for the masses.

“Well, first of all it’s not a hobby. That’s probably where we differ. Second, I’ve been doing this for years.”

She exhaled forcefully, “Well, Captain Smith will be expecting something next time he arrives, and I can’t present him this. He’ll think I’m worthless.”

Your eyes landed on his jacket that made a home for itself on one of your mannequins. Guess now was a better time than any to at least test your work. 

You’d pull the coat off and throw it around your shoulders. It was so big and it just reminded you of the captain’s size… not that you could even forget. 

Tinsley’s eyes followed you as you left the room to head toward the front of the shop. “Don’t mess that up now.” She joked.

It was so annoying how she thought she was so clever sometimes. You weren’t doing anything but testing the mobility. Hell, if you did mess it up that just meant there were more improvements to be made. 

You adjusted the cuffs and rotated your shoulders as you tested out the coat. Maybe you should have tested this a while ago, but it is what it is. Seemed like things were in its place just like you wanted.

The bell above the shop door jingled, and you turned, your hands pausing mid adjustment. Entering the doorway was Captain Erwin Smith himself. His presence immediately commanding attention. Perfect timing. Now it just looked like you were playing around in his jacket.

“Good afternoon.” He greeted you kindly.

Your heart gave a small flutter and it was difficult to tell if it was because you were excited to see him again or because you were embarrassed from being caught in his coat. Lord!

You kept your expression composed. “It’s nice to see you again. Glad you found my shop just fine.”

His eyes flicked to the jacket you were wearing. He lingered, taking in the sight of you before speaking. “That wouldn’t happen to be mine, would it?” A rhetorical question of course.

Your cheeks warmed, but you managed a laugh. “I was just testing the mobility.” You’d slip the jacket off. “It’s not every day I get to work for a scout. Your gear requires a level of precision most clients don’t. I wasn’t making a mockery, I assure you.”

“I’m not offended.” A faint smile graced his lips. “It’s fitting.”

His eyes weren’t quite as slick as he probably thought they were. Who couldn’t look at you in that dress? It was hard not to look at. Respectful, yes, but he stole glances of you. 

Before you could respond, Tinsley’s voice rang out from the back. “Is that Captain Smith?” She emerged quickly, adjusting her dress so that her neckline plunged just a bit lower. Her smile was bright, almost too bright, as she approached. “What a surprise to see you here, Captain!”

Erwin offered her a polite nod. “Miss Greville.” He smiled contently before turning his attention back to you. “Shall we see how it feels?”

You stepped closer, holding up the jacket. “Absolutely. Let’s make sure it’s perfect.”

As he slipped his arms into the sleeves, you adjusted the collar and smoothed the fabric across his shoulders. The fit was impeccable, and he tested the range of motion by rolling his shoulders and lifting his arms.

“This is impressive. The flexibility here is significantly improved, and the reinforcement along the seams ensures durability without sacrificing comfort. Even the adjustments in the sleeves allow for better grip on the reins.” Erwin gives you feedback.

“It’s nothing.” You said modestly, though pride flickered in your chest.

“It’s not nothing.” Erwin countered, his voice slightly more stern. “This is exceptional.”

Your breath caught for a moment, but you wouldn’t let Erwin shake you. Not from one compliment.

“Keep saying nice things about me and I might start thinking you like me.” You suppressed a deep smirk.

“What a predicament that might be, hm?” He spoke in a way that was almost too straightforward. 

Tinsley, eager to insert herself into the moment, let out an awkward laugh. “I told her she should improve that arm thing. Didn’t I? Tell him.”

“You did?” You speak dryly, raising an eyebrow.

“Of course I did.” Her nervous laughter only increased as she turned her attention back to look at the man, “I did.”

Erwin’s polite nod to her comment was brief. His focus never wavered from you. “You mentioned tea last time. I haven’t forgotten.”

You tilted your head, teasing. “I didn’t think you’d actually take me up on it. Aren’t you a busy man? You sure you have time to spare?”

“Some things take priority.” He replied simply, his words carrying weight. “I will admit that I returned to your shop with the motive of more than just tea.”

From the tone of it you could tell he had a business proposition for you. Right. Man like him truly didn’t have time to spare as you pointed out. Of course there were ulterior motives.

Tinsley’s gaze darted between the two of you, her brows knitting in slight confusion as she tried to regain his attention. “I… I can help prepare the tea. I’m certain I could.”

“I appreciate it, Miss Greville.” Erwin said, his tone polite but dismissive. “I’m sure she has it under control.”

You suppressed a smirk and gestured for the man to follow you. “Please, come upstairs.”

It was where you lived of course. A bedroom, kitchen, and bathroom were all up there. Small, but beautiful and grand. With all of your father’s money at your fingertips you were able to decorate how you wanted.

You led him to the kitchen area and Tinsley followed behind. Your kitchen was rather plain. Oven, polished stone counters, and clean dark wood floors. There was a small dining table you gestured for him to sit at. 

It was big enough for four people. Too big for your taste, but your father insisted you get a table for four rather than two. That way when he visited he could sit with all of his children. Never happened though. 

You moved to prepare the tea, and you couldn’t help but feel the weight of Erwin’s gaze on you. It was steady, curious, and… admiring. It didn’t take too long for the water to boil. You’d take out three cups from your fine china set and pour the hot water over black tea leaves.

Tinsley pushed the conversation forward as she felt awkwardness in a space where there was comfortable silence. “So Captain Erwin, will you be making more trips to Mitras? We would love to host you every time.”

You walked over and served them each one of the cups from your beautiful tea set. You maintained a content face, though your sister's interjections were annoying you.

“Unfortunately I don’t have that luxury. Coming to the capital is a rarity.” Erwin replied.

You walked back to the counter to get your cup, and as you placed it down, something on your table caught Erwin’s eye. He gestured toward a book lying open on your table. Its pages were filled with vivid illustrations and handwritten annotations.

“May I?” He asked, reaching for the book. 

The image depicted a vast expanse of water, its waves rolling endlessly under an open sky. It was a book about landscapes that existed beyond the walls. Places that you would probably never get the chance to see, though it was nice to dream.

You nodded. “Of course.”

He flipped through a few pages, studying the intricate details.

Your smile softened. “Books like these about the world beyond the walls help me dream up new designs. I like to imagine what it would be like to live somewhere else. What would I dress like if I did, you know? I guess it sounds a bit silly when I say it out loud.”

His gaze lifted from the book to meet yours. “You have an extraordinary mind. To take something abstract and turn it into something so tangible… It’s a rare gift.”

Your cheeks warmed at his words, but before you could respond, Tinsley’s voice chimed in again. “Oh, those books? They’re just nonsense. I don’t know why my sister keeps them around.”

Erwin’s expression didn’t change, but you could tell he didn’t agree. He closed the book gently and looked back at you. “Nonsense or not, they clearly serve a purpose.”

“Exactly.” You take a sip of your scorching tea.

Erwin leaned back, his attention still fully on you. “If the Scouts had someone with your talents, I imagine we could do great things. Have you ever considered putting your work to use for something beyond Mitras?”

Ah, there it is. That ulterior motive he said he had.

The air in your shop was filled with a quiet hum, the kind of stillness that carried a loaded sense of possibility. Erwin leaned back slightly in his chair as he awaited your answer. The tea cup rested lightly in his large hands. 

His calm demeanor seemed impenetrable, but there was a quiet intensity behind his composed expression. His sharp gaze held steady on you as you sat across from him, your fingers idly tracing the rim of your cup.

He was revisiting a question posed earlier and packaging it in a more digestible way. A way for you to think about things a little differently. If you were a seamstress for the scouts it could grant you at least the chance to present an idea about leaving Mitras instead of leaving for the hell of it.

Of course, before you could answer your sister was ahead of the curve, “Oh, father would never allow that. He’d die twice and never rest in peace if she left the capital. Parents aren’t supposed to have their favorites, I know, but father always made it clear who his was.”

“Must be nice.” Your fingers stilled on your cup. “Seeing other places, experiencing something different. I know I’ll never be allowed out of Mitras, but… sometimes I think…” You hesitated, your lashes lowering slightly as you gathered your thoughts. “I think about if humanity had survived past the walls- what might they dress like? It inspires my work…”

Your tone was vague, but the question hung heavy in the air. Erwin’s expression didn’t change, but you could feel the shift in his demeanor—an almost imperceptible sharpening of his focus. You realized you’d said too much.

“I’m so sorry.” You retract your statement, shaking your head and flashing a self-deprecating smile. “That was foolish of me.”

“It certainly was.” Tinsley frowned, “We are the last bit of humanity. We know that for a fact. There’s no evidence that suggests otherwise. So while I understand your posed fantasy, I must admit it's a bit silly.”

“Don’t apologize.” Erwin said firmly, his piercing gaze never leaving yours. His voice carried a weight of understanding that you hadn’t even realized. He wouldn’t elaborate, he couldn’t, but he knew that your minds aligned.

Your breath caught, his words settling into a place you hadn’t known was empty. Before you could respond, Tinsley’s voice cut through the moment once again.

“Oh, don’t mind her.” She forced a laugh. “She loves those books about fantasy worlds beyond the walls. Honestly, it’s nonsense, but she’s always been… imaginative, and we love that about her.”

Her words were meant to diminish you, but Erwin didn’t even glance her way. His gaze stayed locked on yours, a faint smirk curving his lips. “Imagination is the foundation of progress.”

Your sister's laughter faltered, and she awkwardly shifted the subject. “Well, what matters is that the jacket looks incredible, doesn’t it?”

“It does.” Erwin said, his tone neutral as he adjusted the collar slightly. Then, he looked back to you. “Would you consider modifying the rest of my uniform? The improvements you made here are impressive. I’m sure the rest could benefit from your touch.”

Your lips curved into a sly smile as you leaned forward just a touch, letting your voice drop to a velvety cadence. “Of course. I’d be happy to… though I imagine you’ll owe me a story or two in return. Fair trade, don’t you think?”

Before you could elaborate, Tinsley interrupted again. “Oh, by the way, Captain, did you know…” she started, but Erwin raised a hand gently, cutting her off.

“Miss Greville.” He spoke politely, “Could I trouble you for a favor?”

Her face lit up. “Yes! Absolutely! Anything! What do you need?”

“Parchment. There’s a letter I must write and I’m not too familiar with the shops in Mitras.”

“Oh! Yes, no problem. I will be right back. I know exactly where to fetch some.” She practically ran out of the shop, eager to please. 

You could hear her heels click down the stairs and toward the exit. As soon as the door shut behind her, you crossed your arms, smirking.

“You’re not slick, captain.” You laugh, your voice dripping with amusement.

“I wasn’t trying to be subtle.”

You laughed softly, but the moment sobered as he leaned a bit closer. “Truly now, have you ever considered traveling to Trost with the Scouts? Helping us with fittings and alterations? I’m sure Commander Shadis would be happy to house you and give you a workspace. You’d be well paid.” 

For a moment you thought about it. Truly letting your mind go free. Traveling from Mitras to Trost and having freedom that you’d only ever been able to have in your wildest dreams. It was right here in front of you… and yet…

Your smile faded slightly, and you looked down. “I can’t.” You spoke quietly.

“Why not?” He pressed, his tone gentle but curious.

Your hand lifted instinctively, fingers brushing over the skin of your arm. “Because… my father, the royal government… they want me here. I have to stay here.”

“Why?” Erwin asked, his voice softening.

You gritted your teeth before answering, your voice barely above a whisper. “Because my skin… is a disease. And they can’t afford for it to get out.”

It was hard for you to tell him the lie the royal government had fed you and the masses for so long. It felt like a dagger stabbed in the backs of those that came before you. A slap in the face to the people of the sunrise. 

His brows knit together in confusion, and he studied you intently. “Your skin is a disease?” He repeated, his tone skeptical.

You nodded, avoiding his gaze. “They believe so, yes.”

Erwin’s next words were so soft you almost missed them. “Even if it were, what would be so wrong in catching it?”

Your head snapped up, your wide eyes locking onto his. His expression was steady, sincere. No one had ever said something like that to you before. For a moment, you couldn’t speak, your throat tightening with emotion. Finally, you managed a small, shaky laugh.

“That might just be the kindest thing anyone’s ever said to me.”

“Then they’ve said far too little.” His tone was firm but kind. 

His gaze lingered on you, filled with an unspoken depth that left your heart racing. In that moment, you felt seen in a way you never had before, and those words would echo through your mind. 

If your skin were truly the disease they said it was then what would be so wrong in catching it? You felt like the wind got knocked out of you.

You honestly didn’t know how to respond. It was all so much. The only thing you could do was take another sip of tea. It was one thing to look at you and act as if there was nothing different. It was another to acknowledge said difference and accept it for what it was. 

“You said that you wanted me to fix the rest of your ensemble. I don’t think it’d be appropriate for me to take them as I did with your jacket, so why don’t I get you measured?”

“I won’t argue with that.”

The two of you stood up, and you’d lead the way. Back downstairs you went, turning the corner and heading into the back room. You’d gesture for him to take a step up on on a small platform you had. 

“Do you mind removing your jacket?” You asked in a calm tone as you readied your measuring tape, along with a pen and paper.

Erwin complied, unfastening his jacket before draping it over a nearby chair. As he stood before you in his crisp shirt, his broad shoulders and imposing frame seemed even more pronounced. You tried not to let your eyes linger too long, but there was no denying how striking he looked.

You stepped closer, the measuring tape in your hand. “Hold still.” You started, reaching up to stretch the tape across his shoulders. “You’ve got very broad shoulders.”

A soft chuckle escaped the man. “I’ve been told.”

“It’s a good thing if I hadn’t made myself clear.” You’d jot down the measurement before stepping around him to measure his back. “I could make you a very nice suit.”

“A suit?” He repeated, glancing down at you. “Not much use for one in the Scouts.”

You met his eyes, a playful glint in your own. “You never know when you might need one. Perhaps there’s someone you want to impress?”

Erwin’s lips curved into a faint smile. “There’s no one to impress.”

“No one?” You tilted your head as you slid the tape around his chest. “I find that hard to believe, Captain.”

“Hard to believe?” His eyebrow rose- his tone steady but his gaze lingering on you.

“I mean, what do I know?” You spoke softly, stepping back to record the measurement. “You just seem like the type who doesn’t need to impress but does it anyway.”

His silence spoke volumes, and you felt a faint warmth creeping into your cheeks. You turned your attention to measuring his arms, brushing against him briefly as you adjusted the tape. The proximity made your heart race, but you kept your expression composed.

“I’ll have your uniform ready within a week at the latest.” You stepped back to write in your notes before measuring his legs.

Erwin’s expression shifted slightly. “I won’t be in Mitras for a while. We’re set to return to the field soon.”

You hesitated, your fingers stilling over his inseams for a second. “I can send it with a courier.”

He shook his head. “I’d rather collect it in person.”

“Careful, Captain. You keep saying things like that, and I might start to think you want to see me.”

For a moment, his piercing blue eyes met yours, and the air between you felt charged. He didn’t deny it. Instead, his gaze softened just enough to reveal something unspoken.

The sound of the shop door opening pulled both of you from the moment. Tinsley’s cheerful voice filled the space as she returned from her errand. Erwin straightened, his composure slipping back into place.

“Captain! I got the parchment for you. It’s got a lovely blue lining. I’m not sure if this is what you wanted, but trust me, it’s beautiful.” She practically sang as she made her way back.

Erwin would receive the papers and give her a grateful nod, “Thank you Miss Greville, I appreciate it.”

“Oh yes, of course Captain Smith.” Tinsley bit her bottom lip, practically bouncing with excitement. 

“I should take my leave for now.” His gaze lingered on you for a moment longer. “Thank you for your time.”

You walked him to the door, holding it open for him to exit. “Be safe, Captain. I look forward to our next meeting.”

“Always.” He nodded, stepping out into the street. He glanced back once, his eyes meeting yours before he disappeared into the crowd.

As the door shut behind him, you attempted to keep a straight face. The heat in your cheeks hadn’t subsided, and you felt an inexplicable lightness in your chest. Whatever this was, it was something you weren’t ready to let go of just yet.

“Do you think he’ll write me on that parchment?” The brunette squealed, “I’ve gotta imagine. I mean why else would he ask me to get him some?”

“Tinsley, do you really think-” You paused, catching your words before they could finish.

“What? I know you’re thinking we’re total opposites, but I think we could make it work.” She giggled, “He’s quite dashing isn’t he? Do you think you could make me a more sultry dress for the next time he stops by?” 

You wanted to tell her so badly, really you did. Tinsley was a woman who always got what she wanted. There was never a lack of men trying to court her. This time was different. Erwin was not interested in her. It was such a foreign concept that her following actions seemed to be delusional. 

Maybe he wasn’t interested in you either, but you felt something there. At the very least there was a very nice friendship being built. Something magnetic that made you want to see one another again.

That reminded you- maybe it was time to go back underground. You were starting to miss your boys again.

[moonspirit]

Hey moon, this doesn’t have anything to do with shipping and I’m not sure if you’re still doing requests or anything, but what do you think about Armin looking up to Erwin as kind of a father figure?

Like they have a lot of things in common and Erwin canonically acknowledged how smart Armin is, and kind of respected him for it. And Armin losing his whole family before he was a teenager probably impacted him so much, I think he’s kind of a sensitive person who tries not to show it, but just thinks Erwin is so cool.

Sorry for the long paragraph.

Hello anon!

I'm sorry for inserting an excerpt I once wrote; a really tiny bit about this very thing (for those who read VBEOW, this is from Ch 10) :

In that brief moment that he fires his flares, he feels honoured and proud to be working under his Commander. To stand beside him, see the gears working in his head, understand the logical reasoning behind his strategization – skills obtained through so many years of glorious, bloody experience. 

He watches Commander Erwin Smith choose his priorities.

I really agree with the notion that Armin looked up to Erwin not only for his intelligence and Commandeering skills, but also as a substitute parental figure. We never got much of the two beyond their canon interactions (over too soon by S3) but it's really good to imagine that Armin sought Erwin out several times for an intelligent conversation.

I believe one of the best things Erwin did was attempt to lift Armin up into a more Commandeering role considering he was still a green recruit.. The S3 part when he puts his soldiers under Armin's command is one of my personal favourites. Him recognising Armin's potential to be someone far greater in the future speaks to Erwin's ability to judge a person well by their character, personality and talent. I think that by doing these things such as giving Armin credence when he voices his suspicions, doubts and theories, acknowledging his intelligence and strategic skill, he was not only ensuring the development of a future Commander succeeding him, but also in giving the 15 year old a push to see for himself what he's worth.

That said, I'm not of the opinion that Erwin's and Armin's similarities are many aside from the obvious surface level ones. They are both good Commanders, they are both sharp, they are both highly skilled tacticians and strategists and they're both blonde, blue eyed, and bushy eyebrowed. But that's about it imo. Where Erwin was rather selfish, Armin was incredibly selfless. Where Erwin employed approaches that could lead to mass casualties, Armin was incredibly cautious and prioritised minimising loss of life. There are others too but that's for another post.

On the fatherly front, for Armin, yes, I see it. I see him thinking he'd like to learn from Erwin, study his methods, put forward his own and get feedback on what works. I also can see him yearning to be acknowledged by Erwin in some small way as a result of the admiration he holds for the Commander. Armin really respected Erwin for his singular focus and determination - something he's known to waver in himself thanks to his insecurity and hesitations (here's another difference between them).

I personally like to think they played a game of chess or something together, sometime. By accident, of course. But in that game Erwin probably saw a lot in what this boy was made up of. Similarly I think Armin saw what his Commander was made up of, only bettering his understanding of the person, and making him glad to have spent one hour, even if just one hour, with a man of his stature and excellence.

Because you see, he will be searching for a parent figure all his life. Nobody will *be* that forever, he will just spend life finding bits and pieces of what his parents could've been like to him if they'd lived. He found them in Erwin, Hange, Levi... And he will continue to find them in others as his life goes on. Because when you can never have the one thing you want to have, you are condemned to a life of yearning.

[that-fujothey]

One & Only Forever Ch 1

Levi sighed as he leaned against the cool brick wall. His whole body ached from the day's stress and his head pounded. He drained his beer and a groan. No matter how much he drank, his mind wouldn't be still. Why wouldn't Erwin listen to him? It's not like he was being unreasonable asking him to stay back. He was just looking out for Erwin's best interest and the best interest of everyone else. Why was he the only person that seemed to care about the well-being of the commander? Maybe I should just break his legs, he thought. At least then he couldn’t throw his life away like this. Stupid bastard. Stupid, selfish-  

Familiar voices cut his drunken fuming short. It was Mikasa, Armin, and Eren. What are the brats still doing up? Fuck it, I can’t be bothered. He leaned his head against the wall and tried to shut them out. They sounded so damn happy. How could they be happy before embarking on a dangerous mission? Didn't they realize what was at stake here? What was there to be happy about? Instead of passing on, they sat on the steps, reflecting on life as if they were grown up. Levi didn’t care. Not tonight. Eren was opining about the power of friendship and how they were stronger together. God, this brat thinks he knows everything sometimes. Petra taught him about all that shit and now he’s passing it off like it’s his own idea to impress his girlfriend. What a joke. He stopped listening after that. He briefly lost himself in thought.

“Alright then!” Armin exclaimed, “Let’s start by finding the sea! I can tell you still don’t think it’s real, Eren. You’ll see, it does exist!” 

“Heh, ok fine. I guess we’ll have to check it out then.” was Eren’s humoring reply.  

Levi heard Armin’s excited rambling, continuing to convince his friend that they would explore the outside world and find a bunch of places that Levi had never heard of. It ended with Eren promising to go find the sea. Or something like that. The kids seemed to move on after that, leaving Levi with their conversation ringing in his ears. 

God damn these stupid brats and their stupid dreams. God damn everyone and their stupid dreams. He drained his beer and threw his mug against the wall across from him. And God damn you, Erwin Smith.   

Squad Leader Erwin Smith gazed out his office window. Sunshine flooded the courtyard below, casting shadows between the surrounding pillars. Birds’ songs wafted through the air and the scent of fresh cut grass filled his nose. If only he didn’t have a mountain of paperwork on his desk keeping him office-bound. How he longed for a world without Titans, responsibilities and this god-damned paperwork. It will all be worth it one day. Erwin let out a long sigh and closed his eyes for a moment. 

Chattering of scouts below caught his attention and his eyes followed the group below. They laughed and jostled each other, one or two shouting about something. Ah, to be so care-free. At least they can have days like today when we aren’t working them too hard. A lone scout trailed behind the group, his eyes turned up to the sky. The scout’s small stature and permanent scowl were unmistakable.

Levi  

Erwin paused with his eyes transfixed on the new recruit. It had been 2 weeks since that day. 2 weeks since Levi had stared him down with pain and anger in his face. 2 weeks since Erwin had asked Levi to help him save humanity. 2 weeks since Levi joined the cause for real. From the start, Erwin found the thug fascinating. A self-taught ODM user? He didn’t think it was possible. The memory of the way he moved and evaded Erwin’s men like it was nothing flooded Erwin’s mind. It was a wondrous sight to behold. Since then, Levi had only proved himself more talented than anyone-including Erwin-could have imagined. After defeating those Titans, he gained more respect from everyone. Despite the respect, trust did not follow suit, with several still harboring misgivings about the former criminal, including their commander. Sure, Shadis respected Levi’s abilities, but he was not sold on Erwin’s “pet project” as he called it. It was fine in the beginning. The commander had been one of Erwin’s most vocal supporters before the expedition. Since that day, however, things had changed.  

“The man is a liability, and no amount of killing Titans will change my mind.” the commander stated earlier that day.  

Erwin interjected, “But sir-”

“You made a bet and for now, it’s paying off. I’ll grant you that. He has already shown that he doesn’t work in a team. He’s a liability and I refuse to force him on my squad leaders any longer! What happens if he decides to turn on us again? You saw it coming last time, but will you be able to see it next time?”

“He’s not going to turn on us again. He didn’t have a choice last time but now he has no reason to get bought off.”

“He has a bad attitude and he’s a loner. That’s a bad combo if you ask me. He hasn’t even been through the proper training like everyone else.”

“He’s had all the training he needs from his life underground.”

“Listen, I like the guy, really I do, but no one wants to work with him after they found out about the little scheme to kill you.”

“Is that the only reason for all this?”

“What are you implying?”

“He’s talented and worth a whole squad of scouts in and of himself. Who cares if he’s difficult to work with?” Erwin replied, “If they are afraid he’ll try to kill them, then give him to me. I trust him.”

“You have other duties to attend to, Squad Leader.”  

“Let him join my squad. I’ll monitor him. The soldiers in my squad trust me enough to trust Levi. At least, they will have to.”

“We agreed that the Underground recruits would be handled by others. You’re too close to this to be objective.How do I know you won’t let him walk all over you?”

“With respect, I’m not the only one biased in this situation.”  

“You forget yourself, Erwin.” Shadis shot back, his face flushing.  

“Begging your pardon, Commander, but I don’t think I am.”  

“How dare you come here and question my objectivity? You are a brilliant man, Erwin. I have trusted you with more than I would trust anyone else under me with and you have handled it admirably. Without you, we wouldn’t even be here. However, you’re not infallible. Levi is a blind spot for you. Anyone can see that.” Shadis said.  

“Sir, we need men. Our people die in expeditions, eroding trust and funding. Levi is a lone wolf, I will grant you that, but he can care about his comrades and work with others. Both you and I know he is the best natural-born soldier we have ever seen in our ranks.”

“If he cannot improve, what then? Hmm?” Shadis crossed his arms in front of his body. “No matter how talented he is, if he keeps getting people killed because he can’t be a teammate, it counts for nothing.” 

“So? We lose more soldiers. And possibly the best soldier we will ever have.” Erwin said. “Since when do you have a problem with sending people to their deaths, Commander?”   

Shadis opened and closed his mouth before sinking into his chair with a sigh. “Fine. He’s your responsibility from now on. Erwin, if he becomes a liability and scouts lose their lives because of him, it’s on you.”

“Thank you, Sir.” Erwin replied with a nod and walked to the door of the commander’s office.  

“Erwin?” 

“Yes, Sir?” Erwin paused with his hand on the doorknob.  

“I  want Levi to be successful as much as you do. Your plan is good. I just hope it pays off.” 

“Thank you, Sir.” 

With that, he’d departed the commander’s office. A grin spread over his face and his heart danced in his chest. He had wanted Levi on his squad from day one. Shadis’ excuses had been feeble at best and Erwin’s waiting game had finally paid off. It was only a matter of time until Levi would be allowed on Erwin’s squad. 

Erwin smiled to himself as he turned back to his work. He would tell Levi personally later, when he got the chance. The thought of working up close with this extraordinary man sent electricity surging through him. His mind raced at the possibilities. His brains, and Levi’s skill? The Titans wouldn’t see it coming. Where others saw a common criminal from the Underground, Erwin saw someone who gave him hope for the future. He was almost superhuman.  

Still, Erwin pondered, does he resent me for making him join the Scouts? Despite his efforts, he couldn’t shake off this persistent thought. Sure, it wasn’t like Levi would be the first to hate him. Plenty of people did already. But with Levi, it was different. I’ll have to ask him later. A commander must have the absolute trust of his soldiers, afterall. Yeah, that was it. He was Levi’s superior officer and thus should have his respect and trust of this was going to work. 

The moon glowed in the clear night sky. It was still early enough in the year that the evenings brought a chill. Levi sat on his rooftop perch, as he usually did on nights like tonight. Out here, he was closer to Furlan and Isabel. 

It had been 2 weeks since that awful day. 2 weeks since he came face-to-face with true evil. 2 weeks since his world turned upside down. 2 weeks since the only one who had kept him from falling was the one person he had wanted dead more than anything in that moment. Funny how fast things change. They’d laugh if they could see me now. They wouldn’t be able to believe that I actually want to work for the Scouts or that I would want to save humanity. Levi could still hear Isabel’s giggle. He knew she would giggle if he could tell her what had happened since that day. If only he could hear her call him Bro one more time. Before, it annoyed him so much, but now... 

A familiar voice brought him out of his thoughts.  

“Ah Levi, there you are.”  

Erwin’s imposing form stood in the doorway, backlit by lamps in the passageway behind. Levi’s mouth went dry and he averted his gaze. 

“Sir.” Levi said. 

“May I join you?” Erwin asked, closing the distance between them and settling down beside Levii. “I’m glad I finally found you. I wanted to speak to you about something important.”  

“Oh, yeah?” Levi’s pulse quickened.   

“Yes. I spoke to the commander today, and I have convinced him to let you join my squad.” Erwin said, his gaze piercing through Levi’s very soul.  

“Guess It’s my lucky day.” Levi said with a huff.  

“Indeed it is; for both of us I’d reckon.”

“Damn right,” Levi said, his eyes drifting to the moon above. “Why now?”

“It seems that ever since the others found out you wanted to kill me, they’ve been too afraid to have you on their team,” Erwin replied.

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

Silence fell between them and Levi wondered why Erwin shifted and fidgeted beside him. Is this idiot nervous around me because I wanted to kill him? He’d been so calm when I had a fucking sword to his throat.

“For you to be on my team, I need your implicit trust. I can’t have soldiers who can’t follow orders.” Erwin said after a few more beats of silence. “So, I need to ask you, do you resent me for bringing you into the scouts? I wouldn’t blame you if you did.”   

The question took Levi aback. Nobody bothered to ask about his feelings on anything. He did what needed to be done and he was either hated or thanked for it-usually the former. He squinted at Erwin, trying to read his stoic face. Erwin’s gaze was steady and unflinching, his eyes great pools as blue as the sky-just like they were on that rainy day. This wasn’t a power trip. The squad leader wanted to know.  

“What happened to no regrets?” Levi asked, keeping a close eye on Erwin’s expression.  

Erwin bowed his head with a smile. “Hmh, well, I don’t regret making you join us, if that’s what you’re asking. I’ve always believed you to be a brilliant fighter. However, that doesn’t mean that you share the same feelings.”

“What does it matter what I feel?” Levi asked. 

“It matters to me,” Erwin replied, his voice sending shivers down Levi’s spine. 

“Well, I can’t argue against that stellar logic I suppose.” Levi replied, rolling his eyes. He paused for a moment, looking out over the wide-open spaces below. Do I resent him? He pondered. He turned his gaze back toward the expectant Erwin. Those eyes. Those damn blue eyes. Why do they make me feel so at home? Why do I feel like I can trust him? I’ve never trusted anyone like that since-no not even Kenny.   

“No, I don’t resent you.” He said, finally. Erwin let out a breath and his face relaxed. Had he been nervous about Levi’s answer? “But that doesn’t mean I won’t later.”  

“I am sure that I will have earned it,” Erwin replied with a smile.  

“Tsk.” 

More silence fell as they digested the new information before Erwin spoke again.  

“Levi, I have confidence that you and I can accomplish remarkable things together. In this fight for humanity, you are the soldier we need, and fighting with you would be an honor.”

This man’s earnestness surprised Levi for the second time that night. His eyes widened ever so slightly. Who just comes out and says shit like that anyway?

Erwin stretched out his hand. “What do you say, Levi? Will you follow me to hell?” 

Levi took his hand in a firm shake. 

“I will, Sir. I’m going there, anyway.” 

“Good,” Erwin said as he stood. “Oh, and Levi?” 

“Yes, Sir?” 

“Drop this ‘Sir’ nonsense. Just call me Erwin.” 

“Sure thing Erwin.” Levi feigned a salute.

Erwin smiled and nodded.  

“Good night, Levi.”  

“Good night, Erwin.” 

The night wore on and Levi remained watching it pass, sleepless as ever. However, he was not battling personal demons this time. He played the conversation over in his head, recalling every minute detail of Erwin’s expressions. A giddiness welled up inside him that he tried to push away. You’re being stupid, Levi, he told himself. He just asked you to join his squad, that’s all. He’s probably just concerned because he blackmailed me into it. But those damn gorgeous eyes, boring into his being lingered in his mind. Surely, Erwin didn’t take this much care for all his men. Levi shook his head at his own foolishness. You are such a damn idiot.

[levithestripper]

two dads an aunt and their unruly children

[ohmypawsandwhiskers]

Of Devils and Monsters Ch. 9 is live!

Summary: Fate brings two old friends together again and sets them on the path to truth.In a last ditch effort to save her own skin, Lozen Daniella Pierce reaches out to an old friend in hopes of gaining her freedom. In doing so, she and Erwin Smith find themselves thrust on a path to truth- the truth behind the walls, behind secret organizations, and the truth of who they become. Content tags: Graphic Depictions of Violence; Major Character Death; Canon-Typical Violence; Denial of Feelings; Feelings Realization; Childhood Friends; Snippets of Erwin's time in the cadets; OC is Messy and Complicated; Pre-Canon Canon; Love Triangle Adjacent; Smut; Fluff and Angst; Dominant Erwin Smith; Protective Erwin Smith; Shift in POV; mentions of residential schools; OC is indigenous-coded; more tags to be added Chapter Word Count: 8,335

Read it here on Ao3!

[stilemawillow]

MTIJ | Ch.30 City of Dumbassery, Here I Come

|mtij masterlist|

pairing: levi ackerman x reader

word count: 13k

summary: a girl with a variety of hidden complexes has to live with a french asshole for nine months. easy? on the surface. problematic? definitely. romantic? not too much, or at least they’d make it a point to say so everytime when asked. the end? please, their dynamic isn’t as simple as that.

warnings: nsfw content; mentions of nudity; virginity loss; oral sex (f! receiving); protected sex; explicit sexual content; reader discretion advised

A hundred-dollar question: where do people go to blow off steam when their interns weren’t back back from their vacation yet? First and foremost, never City of Dumbassery as it’s not a place for relaxation. I might’ve been its main population these days, but I fancied myself a rational person capable of making the right choices when needed. Pretend you’re not looking at my romantic history. The right choice, however, wasn’t always right in the heat of the moment, only in perspective, so we begin this scene with me, seated on Erwin Smith’s couch with Hanji Zoe and a cup of coffee.

For more information on the right-est choice I made as of late, keep watching. Or as asshole-me insists on promoting: Come see the prequel to the biggest fuck-up of this girl’s life. I, though oblivious to its imminent eventuation at the point where we start, had a vague notion of what I wanted the next few days to look like. Let’s just say, humourlessly enough, that my wildest dreams came nowhere close to the reality that would take place.

“I’m sorry about last time, (Y/N). I didn’t know about you and Eren.” Hanji’s contrite apology made my smile widen as I lifted the cup of coffee to my lips. Dismissing the fact she brought the topic right back with the intention to make amends, Hanji was a good person and clearly sincere in her ways of regarding me. Kindness was one thing, but this woman’s pure cordiality was admirable.

“It’s not a problem. I could tell it wasn’t your intention to hurt me.” The corner of my mouth twitched in self-reproach at the manipulative bullshit I let slip. Instantly, I corrected: “Not that I was hurt.” If it’d been Annie, she wouldn’t straight-up laughed. Had it been Levi, he would’ve stared at me like I was dumb for thinking him dumb enough to buy it. But this was Hanji and she just smiled reassuringly.

“You can share if you want to. That’s what I’m here for with all my friends,” she offered. It sounded tempting but I couldn’t allow myself that kind of openness yet. Annie was, as always, the only person who knew the full story in all its repulsive glory but if I wanted to preserve (Levi’s privacy) my reputation, I couldn’t tell the whole thing here. The whole thing – look at me dodging the serious parts in an attempt to make myself feel better. I couldn’t tell Hanji about my intoxicated attempt to sleep with her friend, who gave dubious if any consent. Sounded appropriately disgusting like this.

“Mike and Erwin seem like they lead pretty decent lives, though.” Redirecting the topic, ignoring everything weird, dismissing all as a dirty scheme meant to humiliate me – a methodical step-by-step guide on how to be a paranoid bitch. It would’ve been my equivalent of the Bible if I weren’t an atheist. Even if I regularly used OMG, if I had to pick a fictional character to believe was real, at least I’d pick one from a book with a legit author – something by King, Thackeray, Hemingway, Tolkien, Orwell or Hawthorne. Following that train of thought, I might as well start worshipping Mickey Mouse – it’d do me more good than the big guy with the beard who loves me but would make me suffer for all eternity for stepping out of line once. I did it a lot.

“It wasn’t always like that. Not to mention Levi was stuck in the gutter a month back.” Hanji’s words snapped me out of my daze. “I know I told you to wait for him, but I don’t trust him, so make sure you keep this conversation a secret,” she warned while leaning forward as if afraid the walls would hear. The suspense, though exaggerated and a bit comical, made me put down my coffee. “So, you know how Petra is mentioned here and there?” I nodded. “She was Levi’s fiancé. She died in a car crash last October.” I knew I should’ve reacted appropriately but I couldn’t force it quickly enough. Hanji noticed. “You don’t look shocked.”

“No, but I am surprised. A lot of things make sense now. I’m sorry for your loss.” I hastened to make a recovery to lessen the doubt along the planes of her face. A pang tugged on my heart. When I considered the alternate reality where Petra hadn’t died, the notion of Levi not arriving for his internship was incomprehensible. He’d be studying hard at home and married. No rings, no chaos, no cheating for me – yes, good, but no company around the house either, no distraction and no comfort.

“You haven’t done anything to apologise for it,” Hanji said. “Anyways. Shorty was in a really bad place the months after. Working himself to the bone, no sleep, no food, no nothing. He just had to be doing something. The one good thing that came out of it was his weekly visits to his mother.” A small pause, a moment of consideration for her and an odd feeling of fascination for me. I was soaking it up like a sponge because I was seeing, at last, his angle. “Maybe it hit him that if death came for Petra, it could come for Kuchel, too. I can’t know for sure. All I know is he exhausted himself to the point he collapsed. Unconscious for three whole days. Isabel told him he’d gotten the internship when he woke up.”

“So he used it as an escape,” I finished. It was a logical conclusion. Hanji nodded. Avoiding pain wasn’t the way but he’d been desperate to get away and the internship had been the perfect opportunity. He’d grabbed his bags, boarded the plane and then… well, had to deal with me. Not a warm welcome by any means. He hadn’t even had the energy to get angry or look like he felt anything. I hadn’t known, hadn’t cared enough to see. It made me uncomfortable to realise it.

“Flew over a whole ocean and kept working,” Hanji proceeded. “He wanted something to distract himself with. When he ran out of work because he did overtime, he started calling home more often. Vague details were all he gave, but I got the feeling he had something else to work on.” Hanji’s words made a lopsided smile kiss my lips. He’d wanted to busy himself with my well-being, but I’d taken it the wrong way, as I often did. Nowadays the matter was often used against him but never by him – wasn’t that funny?

“Becoming the spoiled brat’s babysitter,” I filled in kindly, but Hanji’s disapproving frown meant to reproach along with the eloquent gesture of her crossing her arms. I didn’t regret the way I worded it. Eren, Annie, Mikasa and my mother had often tried to make me rethink my ways, but results were yet to manifest. This story, with me as the shitty protagonist most likely to be insufferable contrary to sympathy-inducing, portrayed reality as I saw it – and reality often neglected character development.

“He never called you either, but he did mention taking care of you had the same effect as working, if not better. I felt he might find himself a friend, so I supported him. I think I made the right choice. You have a lot in common,” Hanji declared. It struck a cord – did we really? Our arguments were fire lashing out at ice – not something that happened with people got along. Levi was hard to anger whereas I had a short fuse – everything was a personal insult. No easier target than a conceited paranoid.

“On the topic of that,” I piped. “How do you forget somebody?” The question was light-hearted. I decided to dismiss the whole story so I could ponder it later. Hanji’s brows furrowed as she smiled sympathetically. She couldn’t imagine the situation well enough. The question was I over Eren? had kept at a safe distance from my mind during my birthday vacation and the beginning of August only to assault it now with pitiless ire.

Things kept coming back when I least needed them. Thoughts of the twinkle in his teal eyes or the crooked smile he always wore before a kiss, the sound of his voice – the softness he’d told me he loved me with the first time, the haunting quiver in it when we were breaking up. I woke up at night with the howl of planes taking off and landing. On some mornings, I woke up, hoping to hear a knock at the door and see his face. Would he be more tan? Would his eyes be the same? Would his hair be styled differently? Would he have grown taller?

But, (Y/N), a voice would say in my head, people don’t grow taller just like that, it’s physically impossible.

Eren can, I’d argue, because Eren is my boyfriend and he can do anything if he puts his mind to it.

But Eren wasn’t my boyfriend and he wasn’t a miracle-maker. I’d sit in bed and argue with myself that Eren would come back, that I wanted the best for him and that wasn’t me, that we were done, but that he’d still come back. He never did. A small desperate part of me still hoped for the door to open – any door. Erwin Smith’s apartment’s front door right now, even. I could almost hear his footsteps going up the stairs. I swore I could. I turned to Hanji, a naïve question – can’t you? – flickering in my orbs. She didn’t catch it.

“I’m not an expert,” she said instead. “But Levi can be of help. His coping mechanisms aren’t the best example to follow, but he has a good head on his shoulders. He just doesn’t listen to it.” She might’ve thought, with how desperate I looked, that I might cry. She didn’t know pride would rather have me rip out of my tear ducts before that happened. I didn’t cry often or in many people’s presence. That wasn’t to say I didn’t like Hanji. But Annie and, unfortunately, Levi were the exceptions here. The latter was a mystery, probably my attempt to play a damsel in distress to ask for attention. Attention and help and fucking, might as well – a kiss. Couldn’t he just kiss me sometimes without me having to be in the middle of a mood?

“Yeah, well, I wouldn’t copy those coping mechanisms even if I wanted to. Work, sex and alcohol are never a good mix.” I let out an awkward string of laughter, weirded out by my abrupt disconnection from the conversation and how it turned my thoughts against me. I didn’t miss him that much. Also, he was coming home tomorrow. I had nothing to play the desperate whore for. There was the blondie. That wasn’t jealousy, though. I’d say it was my wish to prove myself better.

“Sex?” Hanji echoed with a conflicted expression.

“Sex with my father’s secretary. I think it was around May. He stormed out after calling her and came back drunk in the middle of the night,” I explained. The brown-haired woman took a second to process the story, then burst out in incredulous laughter. My brows twitched. “What’s so funny?” Was it something else or was I just weird for not thinking my father’s intern and secretary fucking the joke of the century?

“I remember him telling me about that,” she started, voice hinting at a new bout of cackling. “He went to her place for paperwork and she had her boyfriend over. They kept offering him drinks and he agreed to shut them up. Crossed the line at some point. He even got lost on his way back to the house.” I wanted to face-palm using the table and, hopefully, get myself into a coma. Was there a person on this Earth denser than me or was I a phenomenal idiot?

“Oh, God,” I muttered in a wheeze. “I’m so stupid.” Embarrassment and shame painted the tips of my ears bright crimson as I clenched my fists. Hanji patted my shoulder.

“You’re not stupid. I would’ve thought the same if I had no context. Levi would never just have a one-night stand, though. Not the type of person for it. He claims it’s the wrongest way to get over something.” Her brown eyes, previously fixed on me, were now directed at the coffee table. “Might work for you, but he most certainly hates it.” A snort was drawn from her lips as she withdrew her hand from my shoulder. I tried not to think about it, but it was inevitable. Hitch’s party, him refusing, refusing, refusing, because it would be “just like that” and “just like that” was a solution for neither of us.

“I’ll consider it,” I joked. “I was busy up until recently, but maybe university won’t be enough to distract me.” I smiled as Hanji chuckled, patting my back.

“Another boyfriend should do the trick in that case,” she said.

But I don’t want another boyfriend, I wanted to counter. I want your grumpy short friend. The thought froze me up. Asshole-me joined Hanji’s hearty chuckle. Bold of me to think it. Terrible of me to think it. Wrong of me to think it. It was complicated. If romance was not involved here, it was undeniable at this point. I could almost feel it written in capital letters on my forehead.

ATTRACTED TO LEVI ACKERMAN. VERY.

“I’m not ready for the commitment.” Was the only comment to exit my mouth due to the sudden discomfort nestling in the crevice of my ribcage. “I think,” I added awkwardly, reluctant regarding a relationship but very opinionated on the topic of engaging my father’s intern in something inappropriate that would make our relations twice as complicated as they were.

“A friend with benefits then?” Hanji’s mind-reading abilities amazed. I realised it suddenly – that it was natural, this attraction of mine, no matter how humiliating and inconvenient. It wasn’t weird and maybe it wasn’t all that wrong. It was a guy who was three years older than me who lived with me that I considered unreachable. The forbidden fruit, so to say. He was handsome, mysterious and had abs. Natural to be attracted to that. Natural to be attracted to it when I saw it every day and it saw me every day and most times it treated me with passive kindness. So there’d be no harm, I assumed, in initiating something a smidge bigger. What was stopping me? I didn’t have a boyfriend, I wouldn’t feel guilty and I wasn’t insecure because, hey, he’d kissed me last time. Obviously, I wasn’t nasty.

“Update from a virgin to a slut then?” I smirked, a decision born. Hanji’s mouth clamped shut shamefully and I laughed. “I’m kidding, calm down. It was just a joke.” I patted her back. The ring on my finger was cool to the couch and soothing. My resolve, for once, was there. I had a goal. A simple one at that – nothing dangerous. Two words: kiss Levi. I would do it because there was nothing to stop me. I mean, what was the worst that could happen?

…

Imagine an elegant expensive kitchen armed with all kinds of top-quality appliances. Paradise for all little housewives who greet their husbands with a warm meal. I wasn’t that type and the fact I spent four hours cooking more food than a family of six could eat didn’t make me one either. Judging was futile because I took care of that myself during the whole process. Currently, the fruit of my effort sat in front of me – a full three-course meal with different forks to go with the high-class atmosphere. I was far from a successor of Gordon Ramsay, but I outdid myself this time. Why? Last-minute anxiety maybe. Or fear. I needed a distraction because the thought of Eren wouldn’t stop pestering me. Added to that was the fact my father could walk in without Levi. Asshole-me didn’t help.

Bet on the outcome now! A once-in-a-lifetime offer that provides an endless amount of entertainment for the whole family! Fifty bucks says a discount version of William will use the vanishing potion and fly back to France! The other side of the bet? Sorry, I don’t know her. With such a commentator, it was early to skip the food and go straight to consuming my fingernails. Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock. Place your bets right now, your bets need to go in the ballot box, quickly fill out the slips and put them in! Will he go or yes? And what’s the sweat for, princess? Don’t we like watching history repeat itself? I love it. So bet, bet, bet, bet! Come on, faster! If I had a penny for each time your father’s intern left you in the summer, I’d have two pennies. Which isn’t a lot, but it’s hilarious it happened twice!

The jingle of keys pulled the plug on asshole-me’s voice. I’d waited a whole hour now and my head snapped up so fast I heard my neck pop. The front door opened and my heart flinched when my father walked in, dressed in one of those hideous Hawaiian shirts they sold in souvenir shops and flaunting on his nose and cheekbones a really bad case of sunburn. He’d say the sun was harsh in Minnesota. I’d pretend not to hear because believing was impossible. He slipped out of his sandals and I clasped my hands together in excitement.

“Dad, finally! I was starting to think I’d have to reheat everything,” I said. He turned to face the fake exasperation masking the genuine joy I felt at his return. A doubtful smile tugged at the corner of his mouth and my eyes were frantically bouncing from him to the open door. Panic began to well up in my mind. Asshole-me was diligently digging a hole for it, to fit as much as possible.

“A pretty big feast you have there.” Rolland Raven took off the sunglasses he was wearing to eye the food a bit better. I cracked a smile I hoped wouldn’t seem constipated. My thought process was starting to lag due to overload when I heard a faint curse. Next thing, Levi’s pale figure, wearing a ridiculous straw hat. My heart dropped like a stone, plugged the pit of panic and made asshole-me yelp when it nearly crushed her fingers. I felt like stumbling back into my chair and never getting up.

“I guessed you might be hungry after the flight. You don’t have to eat all of it,” I said. It was then a pair of graphite hues shot up to my face. It felt like each muscle in it strained almost to the point of tearing. My father took a seat at the counter while the intern opted to drop off his luggage upstairs and change clothes. I stared after him a second too long while he was climbing the stairs.

“You’ve never waited for me after a business trip before.” (E/c) clashed with (e/c) as my father began picking his food and digging in with more enthusiasm than I’d expected. Levi had mentioned the almightly Raven had complained about the poor quality on the trip compared to what he had at home, but it was still a compliment to witness it manifested.

“I usually have things to do when you’re on business trips, father. This summer I needed a source of entertainment.” I rolled my eyes, letting them scan the interior during the roundabout lie. Lucky enough, they caught the exact moment Levi was leaving his room, tugging down his shirt. A glimpse of fit abdominals. A vague tan line. The food on the counter became a tad bit less appetising.

“Don’t you have Eren Jaeger to help with that?” My father’s question made my attention snap back in place just in time for Levi not to catch me staring. He took a seat at the far end of the counter but I was too preoccupied with a small freak-out fit to dwell on it.

“About that,” I squeaked out with a constipated expression, prompting both men’s attention to turn from half-hearted to wholly undivided. Amazing. I couldn’t have done a better job at it if I’d begun yodelling out of the blue. “Eren broke up with me two months ago.” The key to not sounding like a squeaky toy was to not meet anybody’s gaze. My father was blinking like something had gotten in his eye and Levi’s jaw clenched at the discomfort he was subjected to.

“And I wasn’t notified of that because?” Rolland Raven, among many a quality, was a proud man who, in spite of his profession, could never act quite as predictably as I wished him to. This was no exception because I didn’t have time to open my mouth before he silenced me with a hand in the air. “No, forget I asked. I need to have a serious talk with him. Maybe make him pay back all the dates you’ve handled with interest. We can make a fortune.” The devious plan was voiced in his typical cold-blooded businessman manner. I waved my hands around in discomfort.

“Hold your horses, father. You’re not the one who got dumped. Eren ended the whole thing because he went to study in Germany,” I explained but it wouldn’t satisfy my father, who only glared while putting a fork-full of potatoes in his mouth. Levi tried to become fully invisible. I thought if things got too heated for him, he might make a dash for his room with the dish.

“Unreasonable as can be. If he loved you as much as he had the balls to claim in front of me, he could’ve thought of an alternative that didn’t include breaking your heart. Because of something as insignificant as distance, too.” My father leaned back in his chair with folded arms. He forgot all about food so he could glare at me.

“4898 miles to be exact,” I murmured pitifully. Both men shot me an incredulous look, to which I switched on defence mode. “I did my research. I wasn’t crying the whole time.” Subconsciously copying my father’s position, I reclined in my chair and crossed my arms, glaring like a child prior to giving a sigh and smiling weakly. “I gave it a lot of thought and he did the right thing. So can you be the one to tell mom later?” The last inquiry seemed to surprise him, maybe because it was expected of me to share more with my mother and thus already have her know the super secret information I was handing him.

“I’ll try not to cry as I do.” A nod and a similar weak smile. “You did well not to tell me immediately.” He returned to normal – calculating and sharp, looking for weaknesses and thinking in numbers. Levi’s lack of shock went unnoticed, which I was secretly thankful for. The raven was looking at me playing with the silver band around my finger to soothe my nerves.

“Because you would’ve gone to the airport to kick him to the curb like a good father?” I smirked, a pointed look aimed at the dark-haired businessman, who only snorted in return prior to redirecting his attention back to the food.

“… maybe.” A small pause betraying care, an awkward glance in his intern’s direction conveying mild panic as a result of his feelings showing and a fake clearing of the throat to show discomfiture. He changed the topic immediately. “Have I told you you’ve become a better cook than your mother?” (E/c) clashed with (e/c) and I knew he could see I was holding back laughter by the way the corner of his mouth twitched downwards in displeasure.

“You have now. Congratulations on successfully dodging the topic,” I announced with a complacent grin as he scoffed, ignoring the embarrassment so he could go back to eating. Levi’s gaze was relentless but, once having resolved the current minor conflict, I felt too ashamed to return it. I couldn’t be speaking of Eren, thinking of Levi and acting like a professional whore. It went against my moral code. I wished it was as stable as my pride. Somewhere in my head, asshole-me was drafting an advertisement for the future demise of both.

The following day was unexpectedly laid back in terms of emotions – the process of waking up and going to work was starting to become mechanical. I disliked that I was turning into a nine-to-five zombie, but Melinda’s cross remarks did nothing to hinder my placidity and Adam’s request for a date was, surprisingly, accepted with a pinch of reluctance. It was time for something new, I defended when asshole-me breached the topic of my change of heart. I couldn’t go a whole life without clashing with a man who wasn’t Eren. To forget him, I actually needed to accept that. Because knowing he wouldn’t come back and I didn’t want to get back together was different from realising I couldn’t stay in the comfort zone of being endlessly attached to him and using it as an excuse to never move on.

I felt a smile light up my face the moment I saw Levi in front of the TV with a cup of tea in his hand. Unfortunately, I couldn’t use him to move on – it was the conclusion I drew from the quiet happiness gripping my heart at the sight of him beckoning me over. Everything I’d done had been quite enough. I wouldn’t turn him into a tool as well. So I settled on the couch and we led a half-assed conversation about the movie playing until my parents barged in, beaming and formal. Going for a date at a restaurant – yeah, no, I knew where they were going after. I smiled as we sent them off, and then the ebony-haired intern began choosing the movie we’d be watching and I worked on the snacks downstairs.

Accepted a date, claimed you won’t use him and now you’re pondering the kiss you’ll initiate. You know you’re fucked in the head, correct? Asshole-me piped mockingly, making me huff. I knew I was fucked in the head because she was there. Also, kissing Levi and using Levi were two different things. Different for him how? It’s kissing. It wasn’t. It would be exploring this time – not thinking about being distracted but feeling it for what it was. Jesus, that’s such a weak excuse. I felt she might be face-palming. Seriously, what’s wrong with you? You spent so much time telling your best friend you don’t like him, then you miss Eren, then you “date” Adam, then you grab your friend-zoned intern and decide you’ll be kissing him again – after you established you’re fucking inferior to the blondie who’s clearly hitting on him or clearly intent on doing it too. Can you not follow the timeline?

“Princess, why does Natalie tell me you’ve filled out all the forms related to the company’s income during our vacation?” Levi lowered the phone from his ear. The call had ended a second ago and he was glaring at me doubtfully. I was busy watching the movie – hopefully, excuse enough for scarce to no eye contact. I opened the pack of Doritos I’d dug up from my secret stash in the garage and warily eyed the pale intern’s expression.

“Because the forms were in the office downstairs and I figured they’d get in the way of our movie marathon, asshole. I haven’t messed them up.” My scoff was promptly returned to sender as Levi shoved his phone back in his pocket and clicked his tongue in exasperation. Another three minutes passed before I spoke up: “By the way, I need advice.” The room was dimly lit and the raven’s sharp gaze was on my temple.

“Will you have it in mind when you get back on your bullshit?” The inquiry was flat and doubtful. I tried to nod but it came out looking like a cringe and a shrug. His lips pursed in exhaustion. “Spill,” he ordered coldly, making me pout.

“How do I forget Eren?” Squeaky was the best I could do after becoming tense again. Nervousness was gnawing at the feeble stem of courage I’d managed to grow and my hopes for this to go as smoothly as a chat about the weather were stuck in an elevator on the top floor of a skyscraper. Even overthinking was useless here.

“Easy,” he said. Again, there was that breach of grammar. “Find somebody new. Judging by how much you’re smiling these days, you might as well be done with that.” The suspicious mockery made me snort.

“Don’t you think I might be happy to have you and dad back home?” I asked pointedly.

“No,” he countered with a defiant click of his tongue. What he said next sounded like an extract from a Jorge Bucay book. Something about self-love maybe. “Before you get with Rivers, however, you have to accept that Jaeger is now your ex. He’s part of the past and the past doesn’t hold power over the future if you don’t let it.” I bit back laughter to not offend him.

“Such a poet you are,” I huffed half-heartedly. “And how do I stop loving him?” Seriousness stood perched on my right shoulder, but the Doritos between us kept decreasing and I felt the soothing coolness of the ring on my finger. Our gazes locked and I stared, just because I could, because he was back, because he acted normally. And why wouldn’t he? Our circumstances surely weren’t enough to alter his demeanour.

“You don’t. You never will and you should get used to it.” His answer cut deep and I realised it might’ve confused me but I was too captivated by his eyes to process it. He forced himself to explain: “We never stop loving somebody once we’ve fallen for them. We just fall harder for another person.” It was as romantic as it was businessman-like. A bit too… systematic somehow.

Line up, line up! Asshole-me encouraged. I imagined a big queue in front of an entrance door with a sign bearing my name above it. Number 12, pass through, but beware – number 10 wasn’t careful with his words and number 11 made no effort to change that! The asshole side of me clearly fancied the idea. For all waiting, the Eren Jaeger mural is on the left and the guy on the right is the one you’ll never be! Keep trying but keep this face in mind – Levi Ackerman is hiding in a lot of the corners you’ll visit! He’s an invaluable guest at this establishment! Oh! Is it time for the next one already? Hurry up, number 13! Don’t hold up the queue, who knows how much capacity we have left. And so on until the last victim had walked in. It made my nose scrunch up.

“Does that mean you still haven’t gotten over Petra?” I piped curiously, bright eyes observing closely the intern’s reaction. The movie was no longer as interesting. Everything I could focus on was the furrow between Levi’s brows and the flat unperturbed look in his eyes. He grabbed a Dorito from the pack. I moved my hand away just in time to avoid a clash.

“It means I haven’t fallen in love with the next in line,” he said, reinforcing the notion of a queue. “I’m used to the fact she’d dead. Filling out every report in the world won’t bring her back,” he paused briefly and gulped, “so I go on with my life.” The explanation was simple but relatively quiet, like he was trying to say the words while not exactly aiming to have me hear them. His gaze was staring at the screen ahead as I looked down, trying to come up with a good one-liner to put him out of his discomfort.

“I feel like we’re becoming pensive,” I started with a lopsided smirk, “so let me pull a Reverse Uno card on this mood by saying I’ve reached a milestone in my life.” Licking the Dorito dust off my fingers, I puffed out my chest proudly, making the intern put a hand to his mouth. Maybe he’d bitten back a smile behind it. “I won’t get fined for driving without supervision now. Not to mention, I can have sex.” Waving an index finger in front of his face, I didn’t react when he grabbed it without warning.

“I don’t see what stopped you before,” he stated nonchalantly. I shrugged, concluding I hadn’t exactly shared with him details about my childish vow.

“There was this really religious teacher at school when I was ten – she scarred all her classes by giving them unsolicited Sex Education lectures mixed with Bible verse. Got fired because children complained to their parents, but she did a good one on me before that,” I explained with a smile, yanking my finger from his hold. “Since sex was for sinners – both began with the letter s, she explained to us – and I didn’t want to be a sinner because it meant… well, a bad person, I told myself I’d have sex only after turning eighteen, regardless of the temptation. So I held out. Proud of myself for that.” My complacent smile made him snort. He might’ve glanced at my lips right after.

“I’m sure there’s been a lot of temptation for you, princess,” he drawled in a deep sarcastic voice, moving the empty bag of Doritos away before wiping his fingers with as I processed the retort. I sat still, pouting for a fraction of a second, when it hit me this was my chance. The signal was there – shining in bright green, if I wasn’t color-blind – and it was time for me to grasp the opportunity.

“More than you can imagine, asshole,” I said with a scoff, not parting my eyes from his profile to observe his reaction. We cast aside the fact he could’ve poked fun at me being the furthest thing from a believer, yet such a big aspect of my life had been altered by a religious teacher. The tip of his nose twitched when he snorted in dismissal, not daring to meet my eye all of a sudden.

“The mood has been brightened. What do we do now?” He turned to face me, curious but hesitant, and I felt a surge of courage at the sight of the indecisiveness dawdling about in his grey eyes. The blue specks were calling me – count us, (Y/N), count us – and I concluded this would be the one time I initiated anything between us. It was stressful and scary, but it was Levi, so want overpowered fear, resulting in something we’d have a hard time sorting out our feelings on.

“Watch the movie you so diligently picked for us maybe?” But actions contradicted words because I was leaning in and he could see it. For two whole seconds, there was no movement on his end. Panic was about to make me pull back, pin it to something else, anything else, when his hand lifted, slender fingers gently tucking my hair behind my ear. This was it. It would happen. I was exploring what it’d be like without the guilt of purposefully seeking distraction.

It was slow – the first kiss – his lips barely landing on top of mine so we could taste the water even when we knew it was lukewarm. The movie was like white noise – I could catch fragments of dialogue and the screen illuminated Levi’s profile the few times my lids fluttered open. His hold on the side of my face was gentle, granting permission for me to pull back at any point. I didn’t know what he was thinking. I knew I was barely thinking and it felt nice, for my head to be so blissfully empty. It was all sensations and when he dragged his tongue over my bottom lip, my mouth opened to allow access for further exploration. The kiss deepened and I tried to push closer into him.

“Get on top,” he muttered into my mouth. His right hand dipped to grab my leg. I might’ve flushed bright red, but I still complied, slowly straddling him and letting his hands guide me to where he found it most comfortable. I was terribly aware of what I sat on. It might’ve been terribly aware of me, too.

It was slow and fast at the same time. We weren’t breaking the kiss but some moments of it – like his hand brushing my side and making me cover in goosebumps – were fleeting like blinks while others – like the weird scorching thing in my whole torso – felt endless. It was indescribable to a point, the heat of the moment but the moment was long and the pace was changing slightly the more it went on. It hadn’t been him either. It was him responding to me, because I couldn’t for the life not hold him tightly and subconsciously look for more. We were glued together and his fingers had tentatively pushed up my shirt at the back so they could trail up and down the curve of my spine.

My head was tilted, fingers tangled in his hair and heavy huffs escaping my nostrils. He smelled like lavender and rain and cologne, and my fucking conditioner I’d told him a thousand times to stop using because it was expensive. I didn’t bother scolding him about it now. My desperate want turned the kisses hungrier and there was this point – I might’ve wiggled slightly to find an even closer spot – but he stiffened and grabbed the back of my head, growing twice as persistent and passionate. Weird, using that word about him. It hit me the forbidden part of male anatomy I was seated on top of had risen to attention. It made me wonder if it had happened before and that, in turn, was simultaneously embarrassing and flattering. He was attracted to me, too. Duh. We were literally making out on my bed.

When more began translating as more of everything instead of more of this particular thing, he seemed to sense the shift. His hands guided me off his lap and back on the bed. My head was resting against the pillow and my head was empty, lids fluttering open to drink the sight of him the first time he broke the kiss – pale but handsome, tired but caring, bored but clearly moved by the happening. It was a miracle. I’d been begging for this statue to show me anything in the beginning of his internship. I hadn’t known it could show me this – it looked like a godsend. My heart was going a hundred miles per hour, my breath was unsteady and my body felt hot all over.

It didn’t matter where he kissed – my lips, my neck, my chest, my shoulders – I just wanted him to keep kissing me. Temptation had seldom been this strong and the vow was no longer active, it was fulfilled – an electrifying realisation. I didn’t need to have him stop. What my sinner’s hands did the moment that resolution snapped in place was to grab the hem of his shirt and, with pointed urgent eyes, plead with him to take it off. He hesitated for exactly one second, then complied, like he’d complied with everything else without having me say it. He was kneeling between my legs, arms going over his head so the piece of clothing could be discarded. His chest and abdomen flexed, the biceps, the triceps, all the other names of muscles I’d had to read about but hadn’t memorised. Adonis in the flesh. Fuck me for drooling. Oh.

If I could paint, I’d paint him. If I could sing, I’d write a song. If I had a taser, I’d tase myself out of being so cringe-worthy in admiring the body of a man. But when that body pressed against mine, everything became a bit too hot – literally and metaphorically – so I decided the next step was to cool down by taking off my own clothes. First the shirt, then the pants he helped out with. I almost laughed when they tangled at my ankles and he had to tug them off with an irritated frown. Here it was, having my father’s intern see my bra again. This time I didn’t mind.

“Frills? Seriously?” Well, now I minded.

“Do we have an issue?” I snapped with a pointed look. It didn’t help he was towering over me, sizing up my underwear with eyes that spoke simultaneously of him being amused and him being something else. I wondered if he was still hard. I hadn’t touched there once.

“It’s almost cute,” he mocked flatly. He didn’t reach to take it off – he just leaned down to mollify me with a kiss. It worked. I was carried off into wanting more again. The weight of him on top of me grounded the body and made the soul soar. It was a cringe comparison but whatever, it was true. I realised, right about the time I tugged on the waistband of his sweatpants and his brows flashed in unrestrained surprise, that I was an eighteen-year-old doing exactly what was expected of every single eighteen-year-old on the planet – sneaking a boy into my room while my parents were out.

This here was a boy I trusted and a boy I was halfway convinced was more of a man than a boy, mostly when it came to observing how he casually sat up and removed his sweatpants with precision contrary to clumsiness. My eyes flickered down to his boxers. Still hard alright. There was a rush of excitement and shame all at once when I realised it. A bit too late to stop and pin this a mere heat-of-the-momet make-out session. It was the real deal. Happening. Live. In my room. On a late August evening. Goodness gracious.

It took me a second to process it and he might’ve sensed that I’d grown a bit rigid despite remaining just as active. He didn’t advance the happening, petting my hair and kissing me, and trailing lower, but only as low as he’d gone before, finding the rest a sort of forbidden land. Didn’t even take off the bra with the frills he mocked me for. What a gentleman. He was kissing the curve of my breast and I was wondering how in the fucking hell I’d deserved this.

“We don’t have to,” he warned at some point. “If you don’t want to. Saying no is allowed.” He kissed me and it was intoxicating, but also the last snapped nerve. I arched my back off the bed, elbows bending so my hands could reach for my bra clip. The shoulder straps went loose and Levi paused for a moment to process what the act meant.

“I won’t say it,” I muttered with determination, eyes locked with his. Pride was strong within me even now and, having the wordless consent, he gently took off the bra before paying some attention to newfound territory. It was like being examined in a lab. Again, my boobs weren’t perfect. It was genetics and fate, and whatever else. In being embarrassed about him staring at my chest, I was graced by the thought I hadn’t shaved anywhere. Double embarrassed. Wasn’t it only right that the first time would come with presentability? There go the Raven teachings.

And the word nipple is somewhat lame – I’ve heard it from native and non-native speakers of English both – but there is no other word. So when his tongue rolled around my nipple, I forgot I hadn’t shaved and drew such a sharp breath I almost choked. My chest was heaving and he was thumbing my other nipple. I thought we’d get straight to it and was mistaken. He knew better, it seemed, because a virgin needed the bare minimum of this much and more foreplay to truly relax. It hit me for a fraction that this was actual foreplay while I was staring at the ceiling between trying not to make any sounds. I was like a dead fish, just letting him do things to me. More responsive than a dead fish but awfully inexperienced in any case. It made me feel just a bit guilty. My one saving grace was the fact his erection kept brushing against my leg – and if that was there, then it meant he wasn’t dissatisfied.

It was a black spot for a while because I couldn’t pinpoint between the overwhelming build-up of nice but not nice enough where exactly Levi was kissing or sucking or nipping or touching. Now it would be my thigh, now leaving a hickey on my shoulder, now trailing kisses over my jaw and down my neck, now caressing my side, now trailing a finger down to my navel, now my boob, intermission, the other boob – and the whole time there was that thing in my abdomen, the same one I’d felt with Eren, the hot knot begging for attention.

This was a new person and I hadn’t thought it’d come with a new person, but it was there alongside a brand new dynamic which wasn’t hurried or harsh or overtly passionate like I’d been used to. The pace was decent and steady and passion here didn’t amount to bruises – or at least not explicitly so. The new person made it thrilling, overwhelming. The new person made it a brand new experience. And when the brand new person’s hand gently dipped to touch the part where my legs met, I shivered all over, heart and lady boner flinching at once. Levi, with his obstinacy, refused to ask permission vocally. I still nodded, spreading my legs a bit wider. Slowly, like my panties weren’t in the way, he kissed from my knee to the base of my inner thigh, nipped slightly and made me yelp, and muffled something like a chuckle against the plush of my leg.

I didn’t know what he was thinking. I knew his fingers pressing against the spot where wetness had accumulated made my mouth gape slightly. I craned my neck and closed my eyes. There was embarrassment holding hands with excitement, with pleasure breathing down their necks. Nothing quite mattered. I breathed out like I’d been holding my breath for fourteen minutes when the raven’s fingers gently dragged back and forth against my core and then he might’ve been impatient, because he tugged my underwear out of the way, down my legs, past the knees and the ankles, dropping it with the rest of our clothes and the empty Dorito bag on the floor. It was a whole mess, this thing. I wanted it.

“The house is empty, princess,” he said while leaning down to kiss below my navel.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, almost out of breath in spite of my lungs functioning perfectly. His fingers were ghosting on the side of where I wanted him to touch. His mouth dragged lower. There was the jab of shame about not being shaved again. It hadn’t sent him to his feet and out of the room, so it was probably fine. A man wasn’t afraid to fight the jungle, I’d heard a few times before.

“That you can make noise without being scared,” he responded casually. I snorted and decided inwardly that I wouldn’t be making any noise whatsoever, just to spite him. It did feel good, though, so I doubted I could actually hold back effectively. As though to challenge the unsaid decision, Levi cut the suspense short. When his tongue rested where only one other had before, I came close to whining. My hand shot down to paw at his hair and he hummed against my clit. The vibrations of it made me writhe slightly.

He licked and sucked – nipped twice, which made me yelp both times – and did all sorts of other magic. Added to the title of mind-reader would now be the rank of mage. Then, there was this point when I could feel his fingers prodding at my entrance – a gentle warning of what was to come. First it was one. My mouth gaped and there was a slight flash of something like pain. More like discomfort. Now this was brand new wherever I looked at it from. Remember, my vow had its doors but none had included penetration. Officially the furthest I’d gone with somebody. Goodbye, hymen. You served us well.

He waited. Waited almost a full minute and distracted me with his tongue before I rolled my hips to give him the green light. Slow pumps. It was still uncomfortable, but the friction wasn’t painful. Just uncomfortable and new and I didn’t like change, but when this one found with its finger one particular spot sold off as the Bermuda Triangle for men to find, I might’ve liked this particular change. First, it made me moan. Second, the more he kept reaching that spot – because it was impossible to miss I liked it – the closer I was to coming. There were sloppy sounds and a second finger inserting itself in me, and my voice bouncing off the walls before dropping to the floor in a hush.

I might’ve said his name, actually, I might’ve half-screamed it. The orgasm hit me like a brick dropping straight on my genitals and he kept flicking his tongue slower and slower until I’d ridden it out in full. How considerate. When his fingers came out, there was a spot of blood. My mouth clamped shut in shame. He reached over to clean them with a wet wipe – then he cleaned me, too, because obviously he could see things that were invisible to me. There was slick on his chin and I glared half-heartedly when his eyes twinkled in amusement at me.

“Well, that’s done,” I muttered while he leaned over with the intention to kiss me again. “Wipe your mouth, asshole.” I put a hand to his chest to prevent my own pussy juices from coming in contact with my face. For a clean-freak, he sure didn’t seem to be in a hurry to get them off.

“You don’t want to see how tasty it is?” He was mocking me. I was red and hot all over still, a bit like a deflated balloon being refilled with exasperation contrary to air. No longer a virgin, as far as doctors would care. Still kind of in the middle, considering typical hetero interactions included something more than fingers.

“God, no!” I tried to push at his jaw and he almost chuckled when the pussy juice got on my fingers and I flicked my wrist frantically to get it off.

“It was god, yes a second ago,” he drawled pointedly. I burned bright red under his gaze, naked and not a hymen-bearer and kind of lost as to what came next. I pouted, swatted his shoulder and pretended to be very disgusted when he kissed me, making it open-mouted and sloppy for the sake of spiting me. In truth, it didn’t taste like much. Tasted weird, unlike food and drink. Well, that’s bodily fluids for you.

Remember the right-est choice I made as of late? Here it comes. The kiss guided his fingers down to my clit again and mine – to the band of his boxers. A tug and a snap, and he asked me three whole fucking times if I was sure. Not verbally, of course. It was just the particular way he stopped between each step to make sure, to look at me straight in the eye and have me nod my consent back to him. Like I’d change my mind that fast. God’s sake – if I would’ve said no, I would’ve said it before we’d kissed. But this wasn’t something he would do under normal circumstances – not a matter of alcohol, guilt or duty. It was free will and choice. Mine might’ve been made sometime last month, right around my birthday.

The boxers were gone. I blinked at it. A penis in textbooks, a dick in colloquial speech, a cock in smut books, a member in tame erotica. Length, girth, meat sword, love machine – could go on forever. We sat staring at it like it was an alien and while I was bashful, I was also bad with measurements without the aid of a ruler, hence why I safely concluded that I could stack about four donuts on it and put the zipper on it. There was that thing – precum, was it? – leaking from the tip. In all honesty, no I didn’t want to lick it off. Same went for sperm. In the history of mankind, I’d done the gracious thing and sucked off my boyfriend exactly once – the rest had been handjobs because blowjobs came with terrible pains in the jaw, a cramping of the tongue, a crap salty taste and the awkward detail of looking like an unattractive fish during the act. So, no, I didn’t volunteer to show off how bad I was at it.

“Condoms, shit.” It flew out of my mouth unintentionally. Levi’s face scrunched up. We were both visited by the bitter realisation that going further was not an option anymore, unless he wanted to don on a sock. Then the solution came to me. “Keep it up, I’ll be back in a minute,” I mumbled hurriedly, jumping off the bed and rushing butt-naked out of the room so I could go to my parents’ bedroom. Yeah, no, such was the reality of things. I tried to keep my conscience untainted while rummaging through the wardrobe. The hidden box of condoms in the back by the shoes was the saving grace. I wouldn’t speak of this to a living soul that wasn’t Annie Leonheardt ever.

The moment I returned to the room with the box held proudly over my head, Levi snorted. He laid me on the bed again and the mood returned, which was weird because I’d pinned him the type of experience one moment of interruption and consider it all ruined. Not that I’d thought about him during sex or having sex. I hadn’t. I promise. I was thinking it now, when I was about to have it with him. The kisses eased the natural awkwardness and by the time he was putting it in, I was a desperate mess again. Sweat stuck to skin and my breath got stuck in my throat when he pushed it in. I blanked, gaped like I’d received a headshot and felt him stand still to let me adjust. There was, again, mild discomfort. Fingers couldn’t compare to a dick.

I gave it half a minute and told him to move. The first thrust had me whining into his mouth. It was good. It was good, progressively becoming better and better and better, a surprise arriving with each snap of his hips. My father’s intern having sex with me, my father’s intern, my father’s intern, my intern, my Levi. The first five minutes were full of careful slow strokes to let the awkwardness dissipate and for me to get used to it. I won’t call myself anything but I’ll say I got used to it a bit too fast for comfort. So it went. Losing my virginity to my father’s intern.

“Faster, can you--- a bit faster?” The words were choked out and you’d wonder why I would ask for faster when slow was doing a good job of making my chest heave like I was running a marathon, but it was maddening and addictive.

“I can for you, princess.” It was a rasp against the side of my neck and I was blanking because the voice, paired with the hands, with the scent, with the sensation of being full and empty, then full and empty again was so mind-numbing I could melt on the spot and stay there forever. So slow and careful turned into fast and considerate. There was no harshness in him even when he kneaded my boobs or licked stripes down the length of my throat, no harshness whatsoever when he gripped my thighs or my sides. It was tight, but pleasant, egging me on further.

I bit down on the pillow when he found the spot. I bit his finger, too. I bit his shoulder and I bit my own hand to keep my voice down because how was something on this Earth allowed to be so nice? Fuck. He murmured at me to moan if I felt like it. There was a smug undertone. And when he reached between us to roll circles around my clit, I didn’t moan – I was a banshee impersonator, neck craning, back arching, toes curling, all that jazz. I came with a crash and a bang, and it might’ve been an hour by now, or maybe more, but the neighbourhood was asleep and I was wide awake, trying to wake them up, too.

A five-minute break of kisses served as an intermission to avoid me becoming overstimulated but Levi was still hard and still quite energetic in spite of the fact he’d been fucking me for an overall of thirty minutes without stopping or having his pace hitch. Round two started fast and I had my legs up, knees on the sides of my head. It was hot, seeing him through that kind of frame. Just one bead of sweat on his temple – not sticky all over, unlike me. Why was I the one becoming exhausted anyway? I was being a pillow princess. His eyes were gorgeous and his lips were slightly swollen.

“Please, don’t stop,” I whined at some point. He didn’t seem to have any prospects of stopping anyway, but I couldn’t help it. He huffed, chest heaving with lust and I knew it wasn’t easy to be the one doing all the work, so I mentally gave credit where credit was due. “Oh--- Levi, God!” He seemed like he wanted to laugh and my ring glimmered in the dark against his cheek while I tried to pull him down for a kiss which was simply impossible in our current position. He switched it five minutes later. It was not an understatement to claim I was seeing stars and everything was nice and nothing was awkward and this was the most handsome man with the most stamina on this land.

I lost my voice at some point, or I thought I did because my third orgasm couldn’t make me bite down on the pillow fast enough to muffle the literal holler that left my lungs. His name, by the way. If that hadn’t woken the neighbours, I wasn’t sure anything would. I was recuperating and he was trailing gentle pecks along my neck, still not finished. Was sex always this physically draining? My mind might’ve blanked during the third round and we were in missionary again because I insisted that I be able to kiss him any time I wished to. His hand was holding my wrist captive and the other was massaging my breast and it was all a giant whirlpool of pleasure and heat and fluids – the nasty and the nice in one, but I couldn’t care less about the nasty.

He came with a growl, biting down on my shoulder to muffle something that sounded like my name as his pace hitched and turned sloppy for the first time in what felt like hours. He slumped down on top of me and I was breathing more heavily than him, calmed by the weight. I was blinking at the ceiling and my heart was doing somersaults in my ribcage. He went to shower after a minute of rest, I called him out for being a clean freak and it just so happened that my perception of time wasn’t all too warped because checking my phone made me realise we’d had sex for about three hours, foreplay included. I slipped into the shirt he’d tossed on the floor, wiped myself and very considerately ignored the soreness in my hips while changing the sheets.

To my biggest surprise, he returned to my room in a new pair of boxers with his hair wet. There was no invitation. He joined me on the clean bed and wrapped his arms around me. This might’ve been aftercare. When our gazes locked, I didn’t dare avert my eyes in bashfulness. It was surreal and I wanted to memorise it. Then he asked me again – as voicelessly as the first time and the following ten – and I answered positively by flashing him the biggest smile I could muster. No words were exchanged. Levi rolled his eyes and I tucked myself under his chin, legs tangling with his. I was knocked out cold. I wouldn’t hasten to write this off as a happy ending but I wouldn’t immediately turn it angsty either. I explored. It was nice. I don’t think I regretted it for a second.

Waking up was a surreal experience because it included the added luxury of being bathed in sunlight with a warm arm draped around my midriff and a pale sunlit face inches from mine. A spot of purple in the crook of his neck and a few red crescents on his shoulder. Perhaps one or two leftover scratches on his back. I blinked at the sight incredulously, gradually coming to and realising what this position meant – prompted by last night’s three different ones, too.

It happened! Asshole-me hollered in my head, nearly hysteric, slamming a pan into a bell and making the echo of the toll ring painfully against the confines of my skull. You ruined it all! It was like an automatic switch – suddenly, the neutral was the bad and I had complicated it with my impulsiveness, my stupid hormones. I imagined four months of awkwardness and the wish to have more but being completely incapable of asking for fear it would mean feelings. I pictured a tense atmosphere, uncomfortable interactions, embarrassing thoughts, lame excuses. A friendship built with struggle and just barely reinforced annihilated to smithereens by my dumb ass.

I cringed, removing my hand from Levi’s chest to slap myself across the face for being horrible again – not in using him but in indulging my own selfishness. His eyelids fluttered open before the admonishment transpired and I was staring straight into the melted silver which had the tendency to read my thoughts. The current self-reprimanding cacophony would entertain him.

“… should make you coffee,” he mumbled half-coherently, making me blink wondrously at his hazy composure. This is normal, his eyes whispered, lips pressing nonchalantly to my forehead before he got up, so there’s no need to be so shocked. The trip down the stairs was silent. I had left scratches. More than two.

Currently, we were in the kitchen, sitting around the counter with our mandatory morning drinks. Unsaid words hung from the ceiling like dangling cobwebs. Levi, who’d needed a moment to retrieve his memories in full, was stiff and uncertain, and in spite of that visibly calmer than me. I could feel my face heating up as I thought of what to say. This wasn’t normal, even if both of us upon our respective awakening had pinned it such. It was something we had to discuss but how were we supposed to discuss sex when we sometimes fought over food? Deciding what to do seemed impossible.

“Are we going to talk about the elephant in the room?” The raven, of course, was the one who broke the silence while I was slurping on my coffee, gaze averted and heart beating erratically. “Princess, I’m afraid this is something important,” he said in the face of my silence. His piercing glare was on my temple but I wouldn’t turn, keeping my fingers glued to my cup and my mind grounded in panic. “Need I remind you exactly what happened?” Levi pressed additionally, husky voice raising in audible urgency. I felt completely and utterly naked – dressed in only his shirt and my own underwear.

“We had sex, that’s what happened.” I shrugged, mind preoccupied with the strange feeling eating its way into it. Deep into my stomach, up to my lungs, through the chambers of the heart, in the windpipe – but not painfully. “There’s nothing more to it.” The nonchalant statement didn’t get a warm welcome. That much was to be expected. The attractive intern was frowning, rubbing his temples with a frustrated sigh. I tried not to look at his fingers.

And I’m trying to do just that, asshole-me scoffed pointedly. There’s something different about them when they’ve been inside you last night, yeah? A good type of different. Imagine it. My shoulders tensed as I chased her around in my head with a frying pan. Levi ran a hand through his ebony locks. Wow, is that the sex hair? And I pursed my lips in displeasure, knowing the struggles of the current moment and choosing in spite of them to secretly a wish for a second time. No harm, you know, no harm whatsoever in wanting to fuck your father’s goddamn intern, yeah? No? Can you hear it? Does it sound like a good sentence? Does it?

“Where exactly does your lacking virginity fit into your nothing more to it?” His retort made me cringe, well aware of the virginity ace hidden up his imaginary sleeve. It was a bit harder to argue with him when he was half-naked, letting me see the spots I’d bitten and kissed. The situation: we’d had sex. My side: I had nothing against him being my first because I trusted him and he’d been experienced and careful enough to make it nice. The actual problem: he was my father’s intern.

The abstract part: intimacy often came with, well… intimacy. Casual sex had the advantage of not seeing your partner again afterwards and in our case, we’d had casual sex with somebody we saw daily. Future speculation: tension due to this adventure would brew either discord or twice the ferocity in repeating the adventure. A possible solution: talking about feelings. Additional issue: Levi and I talking about feelings? Not in this day and age. Not in this life either. Telling him he made me feel warm and appreciated? Impossible. Honesty in the face of something embarrassing? Sorry, I don’t know her. She must be really lame.

“Everywhere, because I don’t care for it. It might add complexity to your situation, but it doesn’t play a big role in mine.” Dismissing the whole of it and pinning it on him was wrong. My nonchalance was false. Maybe it was what made him take a deep breath prior to speaking up again, his tea untouched.

“You’re supposed to be freaking out, princess.” His eyes were on mine and asshole-me was screaming: Come on, do it! Just kiss him and make things worse! Go right ahead! I averted my gaze with a snort. He’d used my nickname last night. Added a shade of meaning to it. I tried to get a grip as my rational side reasoned with the situation. This had been a one-time thing – or at least for him. Following that train of thought, wanting more was useless.

“You think I’m not?” It was high-pitched and ludicrous. Memories were surfacing and it was somewhat unpleasant to think they wouldn’t repeat. Levi kissing me in the dark, almost saying my name, clearing the hair from my sweaty forehead, biting my neck as he came, smiling against my lips as I tugged on his hair and tried not to moan, holding me close afterwards, not once saying the wrong thing. “I’m freaking out. You just don’t see it.” My downcast gaze was thoughtful and the air was becoming heavier with something I couldn’t identify. I could feel him staring and it bugged me not to know what he was thinking. “What?” I snapped, refraining from playing with my ring.

“What do you want to do now?” He asked flatly, eyes pinning me in place. “Do you want me to pretend this didn’t happen or do you want us to keep going?” It was ridiculous hearing him say it because, usually, he wouldn’t. I blinked, thinking I’d misheard.

“Keep going as in keep having sex?” I echoed to make sure I’d understood. It might’ve gone out a bit more shocked than expected, which made him sigh.

“I was listing options. In the end, it all comes down to what you want.” The flat voice made me realise I knew what I wanted well enough to have chosen during the conversation with Hanji three days ago or maybe even before I’d had the courage to admit it to myself.

“I don’t know what I want,” I lied with a pointed look, vehement embarrassment clawing up my throat and scratching at the back of it. I could say I wanted to keep going – his offer meant he might be willing – but his response was a fifty-fifty on whether he was sexually frustrated or would rather stick to decorum while living in the same house as the girl he was fucking and her father. I couldn’t turn the question on him because it was mean. I couldn’t call it a mistake because that would be another lie. I was tired of lying when it didn’t go to protect my pride.

“You don’t?” He quirked a thin brow mockingly, feigning the surprise he didn’t feel. “Or you just don’t want to admit your favour the more embarrassing option?” I sat motionless, knowing this wasn’t what I should’ve been doing – considering it. Maybe this was a test he had for me – to see if I’d be dumb or act like a reasonable adult. But (there came that stupid word again) if Hanji had been right, this wasn’t a random hook-up, which meant there might be something and---

Are you seriously considering a relationship with somebody who’s leaving in less than four months? Asshole-me interjected, making me sigh in defeat. Doesn’t fuck randomly, okay, fine, but this is an exception. How in the fucking hell would he grow to like you? You know that’s impossible. Methinks he went along with it because you clearly wanted it. Think about it, he does all sorts of bullshit for you. So what sounds more plausible? Him being himself or him liking you? The former, of course, but I couldn’t admit it. Like I couldn’t admit he was right to say I favoured the more embarrassing option.

“Even if it was like that,” I chose to return the favour and be doubtful, “I’m not inclined to think your morals would let you humour me.” My chin was tipped upwards while Levi shook his head and finally took a sip from his tea. The ghost of a smirk in the corner of his mouth disarmed.

“I have little to nothing against it. But,” (that fucking word again) the firmness of his voice was the only thing keeping my chest from swelling, “it doesn’t sound like an ideal course of action when you’ve almost got yourself a new boyfriend,” he reasoned calmly, somber responsibility lacing his tone.

“It’s not cheating if we’re not official,” I protested instantly, furrowed brows and a pout. He snorted.

“That’s not what I meant, princess.” My lips pursed at the jolt the nickname gave me. “I don’t want sex clouding your judgement. I get Rivers isn’t your boyfriend, but you shouldn’t exclude him as a possibility just because you’ve started thinking you have feelings for me.”

“Besides being a poet, you’ve turned into a psychologist, too,” I exclaimed with a genuinely cheerful chuckle that made him quirk a brow. Something in my throat shrivelled up. “Don’t dwell on my feelings too much, asshole,” I reassured. “I like this because it’s something new, not because I’m head over heels in love with you.” I was still chuckling as he sipped on his tea and fixed me with one of those firm looks that had the ability to bend the knees. The effect was doubled in intensity this morning.

“Make your choice then,” he said boredly, not wishing to be too imperious, seeing as the situation wasn’t taking place in a formal setting where he was the boss and I was the indecisive underling. I might as well have been, with how hot my ears got while I held his gaze, brave and stupid in the face of somebody who read me better than I sometimes read myself.

“I’m not saying it out loud,” I muttered, bashful. The ebony-haired intern watched me struggle before tilting his head to the side with a fake air of oblivion.

“Then I won’t know what you want,” he said innocently, attempting to mock my shyness and what was more – succeeding. I burned bright red, feeling heat creep up my neck and my glare was pointed and uncontrolled. It couldn’t pass as mere annoyance because Levi was hitting a nerve.

“I didn’t see you having a hard time knowing everything I wanted last night, but okay.” There was more spite than sass in the sentence, which only further conveyed my inability to stay nonchalant – something that clearly amused him. “I want us to… keep going. Satisfied?” Crossed arms, downcast gaze and a childish pout. I was the live embodiment of the word petulance and Levi wasn’t done having fun with it.

“Not as satisfied as I clearly left you.” He was smirking and I glared at him, furious and not knowing where the blood would go when there was no space left in my head. I hopped off my chair, turning my back to him and hearing how he moved to stand behind me. A well-meaning hand landed on my shoulder. “It was a joke, princess, there’s no need for the cold shoulder.” His tone was flat and disinterested, but there was a pacifying sliver. He might’ve been trying to make peace but I wouldn’t have it after all the embarrassment he put me through – just to have a good private laugh, too!

“Un-fucking-bearable, that’s what you are,” I hissed, brushing his hand off my shoulder and heading to the staircase in order to escape. He gave chase and set on ignoring the usual code that forbade touchy-touchy when unneeded. The pure and unfiltered imagination one must have in order to picture a shirtless Greek God chasing after a poorly dressed eighteen-year-old spoiled brat was too ambitious a requirement for anybody to fulfil. Turn to mythology for that, but it’s inappropriate there and this one meant well.

“I’ll stop embarrassing you if that’s what you want.” His hands were on my shoulders. He turned me around and I didn’t look at him, much less respond. He could sense I was ashamed. His hands slowly trailed down over my arms to hold my wrists in a grip I could, with effort, free myself from. “Does the mere mention of sex with no context whatsoever embarrass you, princess?” He knew it did, leaning forward with twinkling eyes and a complacent half-smile. “Your face is red.”

“And you’re a fucking genius, congratulations,” I spat with sarcastic disgruntlement. He pulled me forward so that I bumped into his chest. My shoulders jumped in surprise. I didn’t want to look him in the eye but the sight of the marks I’d left on him were no less embarrassing to behold. My heart sped up and I was pouting, flush against him with nowhere to go.

“It speaks,” he whispered by my ear. His hands retraced their steps over my arms and shoulders, gently gliding against the sides of my neck until they held my face. “Does it want to go up to my room?” Blue specks in a pool of melted silver. The question was genuine, in spite of being masked with slight mockery. The adult of us two. I tried to stay mad, but it was impossible. I promised the blue specks I’d count them later and then we were kissing. It was a funny picture – the whole of this situation – ridiculous but somehow not fictional. It was him lifting me off the floor and me wrapping my legs around him. It was him making step after step, steady and careful not to drop me while I snickered into his mouth. It was me being a literal koala and then it was us, hearing the jingle of keys.

“Shit,” I cursed, parting from him with a smack. He let go and I could catch only a glimpse of the panic on his face before I was running up the stairs. I’d barely closed the door behind us when I heard my mother greeting the empty kitchen downstairs. While I breathed out in relief, Levi was already heading to the balcony. It occurred to me that there was a pack of condoms on my nightstand and they were stolen. I’d need to make a trip to the pharmacy and replace the box. Talk about inconvenient. “Careful now,” I piped while the intern was preparing to make the jump, “we don’t want you to fall.” He gave me a half-hearted glare but said nothing.

When he was gone, I plopped down on my bed and grinned incredulously at the ceiling. This “secret sex” thing we were about to dive into wasn’t how I’d imagined the weeks prior to my first year in university, but oh, well. Expect the unexpected and if unable to – just accept it. This officially marked the beginning of my longest stay in City of Dumbassery. It was surprising, however, that I wasn’t alone in there. Twice as surprising that I’d be stuck with my father’s intern. Whom I was having sex with. Amazing. Spectacular. Asshole-me would have my ass for that.

tag list: @unloved-cadillac ; @donaldthrts

[nymphoheretic]

911 Brainrot ??

Let me introduce to you the way I write my Erwin Smith fics : BY THINKING AB BOBBY NASH !

Am I ashamed in any way ? No I have daddy issues

- @ch-4-s-3

BOBBY NASH AND ERWIN ARE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON!!

[notsomajestic]

he finally caaaame ❤️

[the-traveling-poet]

“𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘚𝘩𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘺 𝘓𝘶𝘤𝘬”

~Coming December 2024~

𝓢𝓾𝓶𝓶𝓪𝓻𝔂~ Life above ground could not have been a more stark contrast from the life Levi was used to leading. From making deals and dominating a scraggly crowd, to taking orders from the Scouting Regime and slaying giant beasts roaming the land outside the walls enclosing humanity. It was an adjustment he made quick enough for himself, so he thought. Between the expeditions and boring document signing, he climbed the ranks surprisingly quickly and soon found himself accompanying Commander Erwin Smith on his many ‘business meetings’ outside the district of Trost. At first, it was merely responsibility, albeit a mentally draining one, considering his strong dislike for the other regimes and their Commanders... But after learning Nile Dok had a rather alluring daughter, something about those visits into town became both more bearable and somehow more complicated for Levi. She was a stark reminder of one of the very few things he missed about his life Underground; particularly, the frequency of getting laid.

𝓒𝓸𝓷𝓽𝓮𝓷𝓽~ Levi Ackerman x F!Reader. Y/N used, (but with certain characteristics descriptions!) Slow burn romance. MNDI; sexual themes, eventual smut, substance consumption (alcohol/cigarettes), excessive language, and just sheer fucking drama. This is a slight crack fic with occasional cannon themes.

𝓜𝓪𝓼𝓽𝓮𝓻𝓵𝓲𝓼𝓽~

Ch. 1 ~ Customary Acquaintance

Ch. 2 ~ Little Miss Printer

~ Dividers Here! ~

~ More Levi Ackerman content here! ~

If preferred, you can read this fic on Wattpad or AO3 as well!