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loveandpeaceanddoughnuts · 3 months ago

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For my insomniac: Erwin Smith x Reader [Ch. 1-2]

You are an officer in the Survey Corps under Commander Erwin Smith, and have been suffering from nightmares and insomnia since you returned from your last mission. Though you've been trying to hide it, the Commander has noticed and is determined to get you the care and rest you stubbornly refuse to give yourself.

an: ongoing fic originally posted on ao3! // cw: ptsd, sedation

You had done your best to muffle your screams. You had taken to sleeping curled up with your thin blanket over your head, face pressed to the mattress so that your inevitable night terrors would go unnoticed. Strangely enough, they had only begun once you had reached relative safety. The long nights beyond the walls on your last expedition had passed without dreams, your body pushed to exhaustion day after day so that all you could do was collapse into your bedroll when you weren’t on watch. But now, back in the familiar barracks of your regiment, the darkness had grown teeth.

Commander Erwin Smith knew his soldiers. He paid close attention to the threads that tied them all together, to any strands of dissent, resentment, mutiny- it was his duty to understand the inner workings of the Corps better than anyone, down to the last recruit. When you returned from your last mission, something broken in your head that you had yet to even name, he noticed it. The Commander had his eye on you.

Though you tried your best to hide your suffering from anyone, terrified of their pity and their judgment, you were slipping. You began arriving late for muster, your salute wobbly with fatigue. Dark circles sat beneath your eyes. The recruits you were training were able to best you in combat more than once, the simplest sparring leaving you flat on your back in the dirt. It was unbearable to you, and unacceptable to Erwin. Something had to be done.

You were summoned to his office after a week of struggle, surviving by now on a mere handful of hours of scattered sleep. You saluted as you stood in front of his desk, quickly letting the position drop when it made your vision swim. You hoped whatever he had to say would be brief.

“I didn’t say you were at ease, soldier,” he said gruffly.

You flinched, surprised at the reprimand but unable to argue. “Yes, sir!” You snapped back into a sharp salute, trying to steady your breathing.

Erwin watched you impassively, noting the way you swayed on your feet. Your labored breathing didn’t escape him either. The fact that you were barely able to stand at attention was deeply concerning, but he needed to see more to fully assess the situation since you wouldn’t confide in anyone yourself.

Clueless as to his thoughts, you fought to stay upright. The night before had been especially bad, nightmares haunting you from the moment you closed your eyes. Your mind swirled with harsh instructions to yourself. Don’t lock your knees or you’ll faint… keep your fists tight… keep your eyes on the wall behind his head…

Erwin remained watching silently. You had no idea how long he would keep this up, and the uncertainty set your heart racing. You could hear your blood rushing in your ears, and the spot you were staring at on the wall went fuzzy. You were going to pass out any second now- did he notice? Did he care? Was this the point?

He noticed, he cared, and it was. Not that you had any evidence of it. The blonde man simply observes you, his face infuriatingly neutral. He knew his soldiers, and he knew that you had been brushing off the concern of your fellow officers. Knew that you would do almost anything to avoid the vulnerability of admitting weakness, of asking for help. “Almost anything” was starting to look like it might include collapsing on the floor of his office.

You had no sense of how much time had passed so far, overwhelmed by the effort it took to maintain your position. When had it gotten this bad? When had you lost the ability to even stand at attention? Self-loathing settled atop the burdens you were already carrying. You clench your fists tighter, willing yourself to hold still.

Erwin’s icy gaze flicks to your white knuckles, then meets yours. His lips press into a thin line. He lets a few moments crawl by before breaking the tense silence. “How are you, Captain?”

The lie was instinctual. “Fine, sir!”

His lip curled. “I see.” He shifted slightly in his chair, picking up a report from his desk and beginning to read. You were desperately trying to decide if that was a dismissal, if you could relax, when he spoke again. He was so quiet that you almost missed the instruction. “Remain at attention, soldier.”

You wanted to cry. Your legs were trembling now, sweat trickling down your spine. It itched. It hurt . But there was nothing else to do. You remained still, arms taut, one fist behind your back and the other over your pounding heart.

Erwin stared at the report without absorbing anything. He was frustrated that you had lied to him, but honestly not surprised. There was a reason you were one of his toughest officers, but it was working against you both now. “Stubborn thing,” he muttered.

“Sir?” Your voice cracked on the little word and you hated yourself for it.

“I wasn’t speaking to you,” he responded simply, turning a page.

You gritted your teeth. This couldn’t go on forever. You could hold out. The fuzzy wall had turned into a fuzzy room, your vision swimming. You couldn’t tell if you were still standing upright- in your eyes the stiffly seated Commander seemed to be sliding out of his chair.

Erwin saw you begin to sway and fought his instinct to release you. You weren’t going to go to the medics or take yourself off-duty unless he ordered it, and you’d hate him for it if he did. He needed you to initiate the process, to stay committed to the Scouts with your heart and pride (infuriating though it was) intact.

You dug your nails into the palm hidden behind your back, trying to focus on the pain. It failed miserably, your senses dulled by exhaustion, and the only thing you really registered was the warm drip of the blood you’d drawn. You forced your eyes to focus on your Commander as he cleared his throat.

“I will ask again. How are you, Captain?”

“Fine, and you?” You gave a strained smile, trying to look pleasant but only managing demented. Blood oozed down your wrist.

Erwin scoffed incredulously. The woman is barely standing, and she has the nerve to respond like that? He slammed the report down on his desk. “Is that so, soldier? You don’t seem to be at attention as I ordered.”

You look down dumbly, the two brain cells still awake in your fried brain trying to make sense of his words. Of course you were still at attention. That was the whole goddamn problem.

“What was that?”

Ah. You might have said that out loud. With great effort, you focused your eyes on the Commander. “Nothing, sir!”

You might have been hallucinating at this point, but it almost looked like Erwin was worried. His brows pinched together and his mouth twisted, his fingers twitching like he wanted to reach out to you. Just as quickly the expression passed, his features smoothed back into a blank stare.

“You’re going to faint soon, aren’t you.” His voice was neutral, like he was pointing out the weather.

“Yes, sir!”

“But you’re doing fine, hm?”

“Yes, sir!” You knew that you sounded crazy now, clearly the furthest thing from fine, but you were too far gone to back down.

The Commander ran his hand through his hair and shook his head, speaking more to himself than you. “Where is your breaking point?”

“I will not break, sir!”

His eyes narrow. Your determination would be admirable if it wasn’t so foolish. He had hoped that you would crack under the strain, allowing him to intervene, but it seemed like you were going to deny him that. His sharp eyes caught the drip of blood from behind your back, and his stomach turned. Stubborn idiot. He couldn’t torture you any longer, even if it meant you won this battle.

“At ease, Captain,” he barked, finally.

As soon as you hear the command, your exhausted body gives out. Your eyes roll back and your limbs no longer respond to you. You’re unconscious before you hit the floor.

Erwin doesn’t flinch as he watches you collapse. He moves silently to your side, crouching to feel for your pulse. It’s weak but steady, and he’s relieved. He steps into the hall to flag down a guard. “Get a medic,” he orders firmly.

He watches impassively as the medic arrives and hurries you away to the infirmary. He waits until their steps have faded completely before he crumples into his chair, holding his head in his hands. “Goddamn fool.” No one is there to hear the Commander’s voice break.

---

Erwin hasn’t been able to sleep. He spent the night at his desk, eyes blurring as he shifted through reports, his mind full of you. Your stubborn resistance to admit defeat or ask for help…he ran his hands over his tired face. He hoped he had made the right decision. By collapsing in front of him, at least you couldn’t put up a front any longer, though having you dragged to the infirmary was hardly his first choice of handling the situation.

He had ordered the medic to inform him as soon as you regained consciousness, and as the night creeps closer to dawn, he grows more and more concerned that the news has not arrived. He’s startled from his ruminations by a knock on his door. “Enter,” he calls out.

The door opens and a soldier enters, saluting respectfully. “Sir, I came to inform you as requested that the Captain is awake." Erwin half-rises to his feet, leaning on the edge of his desk.

“Are they coherent?”

“Yes, sir. The medic reports that they’re conscious, though still somewhat disoriented. They’ve been asking for you, sir.”

“Thank you. You’re dismissed.” The soldier salutes again and exits the office, leaving Erwin to process the news. You’re awake, disoriented, surely in pain, and asking for him? It isn’t like you to ask for anything, least of all his time or attention in such a way. He himself had planned to give you a few days to rest and recover before broaching the subject of your mental state. Despite his plans, the image of you waking up with his name on your lips sends a pang through his chest. The Commander finds that he can’t deny you. Erwin pushes his chair back and straightens his coat, striding down the hall to the infirmary.

He hears raised voices as he nears the wing, recognizing your strident frustration immediately. As he turns the corner, he’s greeted with the sight of you struggling against a frantic medic, trying in vain to resist their ministrations.

“I’m fine, let me up! I need to get back to work!”

“You have two cracked ribs, severe dehydration, and sleep deprivation! There’s not going to be any working any time soon, Captain!”

You swung blindly at the poor medic, your muddled brain stuck on the last thing you remembered before collapsing: needing to prove yourself to your Commander. “Where is the Commander? Does he know you’re keeping me here?!”

“I’m here, and I do, Captain.”

At the gruff sound of Erwin’s voice, you and the medic both freeze. The medic snaps to attention with a crisp salute, and you struggle to sit up and do the same. Erwin’s face twists when he sees you attempt the formality, but his voice is gentle. “At ease, soldier.”

You fall back onto the cot with a ragged sigh, your head swimming. Erwin crosses to the bedside and looks down at you, his bright eyes assessing. “How are you feeling?”

Your fuzzy mind lets you respond respectfully, but much too honestly. “Like shit, sir!”

Erwin raises an eyebrow at your candid response, a smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth. “I see. Please refrain from saluting, or attempting attention for the near future, Captain.”

You open your mouth to protest, and he sighs. “While I appreciate your dedication, and recognize that you are relatively new to your position, I need you to prioritize your recovery.” His gaze softens, and a strange warmth creeps up your cheeks. “You need to rest. That’s an order.”

You close your eyes, unable to resist the direct order and grateful for the clarity in your confused state. “Yes, sir.”

The Commander’s shoulders relax as you finally obey, and the medic scurries beside him to take your vitals and drape a blanket over you in the rare moment of peace. They squint up at Erwin. “She’s been a handful, Commander.” The medic discreetly crushes a pill into a glass of water as she talks, her back turned to you. “This will help her calm down, but I can’t do much more. If she keeps resisting treatment, she’s going to cause permanent damage.”

Erwin nods once as he watches you drink, the medic holding the glass to your lips like a child. “Thank you. I’ll make sure that happens.” When you’ve drained the glass, the medic excuses themselves to check on other patients. You and Erwin are left alone.

The room feels vaguely crooked from where you lay, an unsettling tilt in your tired eyes. Each stabbing breath reminds you of your weakness on the training grounds, and above all, you’re beset by the most overwhelming tiredness. How long has it been since you slept for a full night? Since you’ve held off sleep into the early dawn for fear of the nightmares that would inevitably find you? Your limbs feel heavy, the sedative gradually working its way into your system. Your eyelids feel as though they’re being dragged down.

Beside your bed, Erwin watches grimly as your eyes close. You don’t see him stretch out a hand, hovering over your arm. His eyebrows meet, indecision written on his sharp features. You look so helpless…no, not that. You’re trying your hardest to help yourself, and that too makes him want to reach out and reassure you. You look scared, hurt. He knows, better than anyone, that both those feelings are no stranger to a Scout. And yet…a protective instinct flares in his chest, too bright to ignore.

Erwin moves a chair from the corner of the room to the side of your bed and sits down heavily. You’re roused slightly by the drag of the wood, and blink in sleepy surprise to see the man beside you. You read the stress on his face, weight somehow added to the burdens he already carries. “Commander, are you alright?”

His blue eyes widen as he looks down at you. Your voice is filled with concern, and he almost smiles at the question about his well-being coming from you, in your condition. “I should be asking you that,” he says softly.

“And yet.” You smile weakly, barely holding off the sedative’s embrace.

Erwin can’t help but soften even more. “You’re stubborn, aren’t you, Captain,” he murmurs.

“Yes, sir.”

“You should be resting, not making jokes,” he chides gently, but there’s no irritation in his voice. He settles back in his chair without taking his eyes off of you.

“Yes, I should.” You sigh, loopy and loose-lipped. “So, are you?”

Erwin closes his eyes for a moment, touched by your concern and loathe to admit it even to himself. “I’m fine,” he assures you. “Don’t worry about me. You focus on healing.”

You watch the muscles clench in his jaw, notice the circles under his bright eyes. “You’re lying,” you whisper. As soon as the words are out, you go pale and slap your hand over your mouth. Did the medic slip you something? What were you saying?!

Your whisper catches Erwin off guard. His calm smile slides away, and he stares at you incredulously as the realization sinks in that you, in your weakened state, just blatantly called your Commander a liar. You wait, frozen, for his reaction. A slap? A court martial?

You truly think you’re hallucinating when Erwin begins to laugh. His lips twitch first as he tries to hide it, but you’re horrified to hear an honest-to-god chuckle come out of him. “That medic knows what they’re doing, eh?” He composes himself and shakes his head.

“Forgive me, Commander, please. I’m- I’m not myself!”

Erwin leans forward with a sigh, waving away your apology. “It’s fine,” he reassures, his voice gentle. “You’re drugged up, exhausted. I’m not going to hold it against you this once.”

“Thank you, Commander.” You breathe out shakily, hands trembling. You meant what you said, but somehow it bypassed your usual don’t-sass-your-powerful-Commander filter.

This time, you see him reach out, his hand hovering above yours for a moment. As he hesitates, impassively waging an internal war, you shrink back into the cot, ashamed and still anxious for him. The strange behavior only adds to your concern.

Erwin’s heart clenches as you shrink away from him, wide-eyed and fearful. All he wants is to comfort you. He clenches his jaw, making a decision at last as he gently places his hand on yours.

You gape at him. “...sir?”

Even Erwin looks surprised, his gaze dropping to where his hand completely covers your smaller one on the bed. He swallows, his thumb gently caressing yours in a soothing gesture. “You’re safe. Rest.”

His voice, low and soft in a way you’ve never heard, lulls you. As you relax, the sedative rushes past your last defenses and pushes you into unconsciousness. With the last of your awareness you squeeze his hand tightly. “Thank you…”

Erwin’s eyes widen a fraction at the gesture. The feeling of your hand gripping his, even in your disoriented state, sends a strange jolt through him, but he doesn’t pull away. Instead, he intertwines his fingers with yours, holding your hand firmly.

The Commander lets out a low sigh as the rhythmic sound of your breathing fills the room. His eyes don’t move from your form, absorbing every detail, the shadows under your eyes, the flush of your cheeks, the gentle rise and fall of your chest. His mind swirls with conflicted emotions. The sight of you lying there, so vulnerable yet so determined- he’s overwhelmed with the urge to keep you safe.

He keeps a silent vigil at your bedside, still holding your hand. Responsibilities swirl guiltily in his mind, everything he should be doing instead of sitting in the infirmary holding a subordinate’s hand. Yet he can’t bring himself to leave. Your hand in his feels so right, anchoring him. He’s reluctant to let it go. So he remains there, internally berating himself for his weakness.

He’s lost in these thoughts when you stir. Your steady breathing hitches as you shift and pull his hand closer in your sleep, curling up around his arm. Erwin’s heart clenches as he looks down at you, leaning forward as if you were stronger than him, holding him close. He should pull away, he should maintain the boundaries- detach himself from you for both your sakes. But he’s weak. He can’t bring himself to take away the comfort you were so clearly seeking.

He tries to mentally justify it all: you’re a valued officer, injured, disoriented, not in your right mind. That’s the only reason you’re holding on to him so unyieldingly, so trustingly. The only reason he’s staying.

That’s what Erwin tells himself, over and over, as he lets himself drift off in the chair at your side.

[Ch. 3 here!]

#erwin smith #commander erwin #erwin x reader #erwin x you #ao3 #aot x reader #erwin aot #snk x reader #angst with a happy ending #aot fanfiction

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levithestripper · 2 months ago

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they're too cute i cant

some very little guys

#jack's recs #jack says look #jack's art recs #ch: erwin smith #ch: levi ackerman #attack on titan

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karikarasuno · 7 months ago

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sonder ch. ix

Pairing: Erwin Smith x Fem!Reader x Levi Ackerman

Rating: Mature/Explicit

Warnings/Tags: none

Word Count: 6.4k

song(s) for the chapter: landslide by fleetwood mac & birds of a feather by billie eilish

chapter viii | chapter ix| chapter x

“So,” Marco said, walking into your office with restrained excitement and a grin brighter than anything you’ve ever seen plastered across his face. His cheeks were a touch pink, making the brown of his freckles seem darker than they usually were.

“So…?” You mimicked him questioningly while looking away from an email you were in the middle of reading. You raised a brow at him when he shut the door, his grin widening impossibly.

“I have news,” he said, reclining in the chair in front of your desk before resituating himself so that he sat up straight with his hands rubbing up and down his thighs. The gesture could be easily mistakable for a nervous tick but he looked much too excited to be stressed out about anything.

“Are you going to share said news with me or are you gonna keep staring at me like a maniac?” You chuckled and slid your chair back so that you were directly facing him instead of your monitors.

“Well, you see,” he said slowly, torturing you because he knew how impatient you grew when presented with new information. Your blatant curiosity was honestly your downfall and you hardly ever could feign indifference when it came to it. You motioned your hands in a way to tell him to hurry up, your fingers together and moving rapidly over each other.

“You know how Jean had to leave early today?”

“I didn’t.” And his eyes rolled at your quick response before he continued.

“Anyway,” he started, cheeks burning further and you tilted your head with interest. “We decided to go out to lunch together and before he left the cafe to go to his appointment, he…”

You gave him another look that told him to hurry up because your mind was beginning to make up all sorts of nonsense as to what could’ve transpired not even half an hour ago. He chuckled at your expression, shifting again so that his hands were braced against the wood of your desk and his face drew closer to yours.

“He kissed me,” he said in a rushed, giddy whisper. And you were shocked, but not because of the kiss but because of Marco’s clear delight.

“That’s it?” You blurted before you could think twice and when his face fell you immediately backtracked. “Not that it’s not significant, I just thought, well… I assumed you were already together?”

His eyes widened and his ears burned red and furiously. “What gave you that idea?!”

“I don’t know actually. You two just looked right together. Like you were,” your brain stuttered to a halt as it dawned on you. You were Moblit in Marco’s life. “Like you were dating.”

Marco couldn’t meet your eye, instead he bit at his bottom lip. “Really?”

Your lips pressed into your mouth as you nodded at him in confirmation. The parallels of your situations sat oddly in your stomach and you weren’t too sure how to digest it. The air between you two started to become sticky with awkwardness. The silence grew until he chuckled and shook his head.

“I can see why you would think that. I mean we were practically glued to each other’s sides for the last few months.” He shrugged, relaxing in his chair and looking at you with a dreamy smile.

“You’re quite cute together,” you smiled back at him, affection growing for him for how content and happy he seemed. You could envision yourself in his position. Happy and satisfied in a life with Erwin and Levi, if only you would just talk to them. Express to them how insanely you were falling in love with them. But that didn’t seem like a reality you could remotely indulge. Just some delusion that you clung to to fall asleep at night.

“Thanks,” he responded shyly, his smile small and you playfully rolled your eyes at how wistfully pleased he looked.

“So, tell me about the first date,” you prompted, and you watched his eyes light up and he sighed at the memory.

“He invited me to an art museum and I thought it was gonna be a group thing,” he laughed. “But when I showed up and it was just him standing out on the steps, it hit me that it was a date and I felt like such a moron.”

He spent nearly forty-five minutes in your office that day. It wasn’t terribly uncommon for him to do since he was your intern, but you didn’t speak about anything work related. Instead you swapped stories and you actually learned about him. It was nice getting to know Marco and in those moments where you only seemed to laugh and tease each other, you realized how much of yourself you cut off in the move. It wasn’t just a fiance you left behind, but it was yourself that you seemed to be running away from.

You called Levi on your way home that day to ask what their plans were for dinner. He responded with an uncharacteristic, “your place or ours?”

“Mine.”

The menu for that evening was beef bulgogi with a shot of nerves and tequila as your appetizer. They were running late. Which was odd considering they lived a mere six feet away from your gate to theirs. The food was freshly done, but now you were worried that it would get cold. Not that it would be terribly difficult to reheat, but impatience was eating away at you, gnawing on your ribcage searching for escape.

Another fifteen minutes passed and you were nearly done with your glass of Pinot Grigio when the doorknob twisted and you heard familiar male voices bickering behind the wood. You smiled in spite of your nerves, but thanks to the alcohol swirling pleasantly in your gut.

“I told you to pick up the lemon cake,” Levi complained as their voices drifted from outside your door to inside your home.

“They didn’t have lemon, Levi,” Erwin argued in return, annoyed.

“So you thought red velvet was an adequate substitute?” Levi kicked off his shoes at the door, still grumbling under his breath.

“You love red velvet cake,” Erwin said, mirroring Levi but shouldering past him once his sneakers were off holding a box which you assumed was the infamous red velvet cake Levi was so upset about.

“But it’s not lemon,” Levi grumbled once more, walking into the kitchen, kissing your cheek and slipping your almost empty glass from your fingertips and swallowing the rest of the wine in one easy gulp.

“I love red velvet cake,” you whispered to Levi who was still standing so close to you that you could smell the white wine on his breath and the eucalyptus scented body wash on his skin. You fought the urge to nuzzle your nose right into his neck, just above his collarbone, and inhale.

“You always take his side,” he said, amusement finding its way into his voice as he held your eye contact once you ripped your eyes away from his clavicle.

“Don’t push me into the middle of this.” You wagged your finger between him and Erwin, who was gently sliding the cake from the box and placing it onto the center of your island. You watched as he licked some cream cheese frosting off his finger, your eyes following the path of his tongue and you were positive he knew you were staring when his lips curved into a sly smile and he made his way over to you.

“But I know how much you love being in the middle of things,” he said as he stalked towards you. You really had nowhere to go with Levi’s chest a breath away from your shoulder. You could have taken a step back, but you felt cornered. Trapped between both men with truly no motivation to move out of the way, so when Erwin’s arms bracketed both sides of your body and his hands found themselves planted on Levi’s shoulders you had no choice but to remain there. In the middle. Sandwiched between these two men in a fierce embrace that you typically would have squirmed your way out of. But your body was tired of fighting and your heart was exhausted from running. So your mouth protested in their place.

“Erwin,” you whined around a laugh, “you’re going to suffocate me!”

But lack of breathing wasn’t the issue. It was the fact that the air was filled amorously with both of their scents. If you had died in that moment, with the smell of cedarwood and musk and citrusy earth being what filled your lungs on your final breath you would thank the heavens and kiss the stars in gratitude.

It smelled like love. It felt like love. Yet you couldn’t act like love was what enveloped you. Not even when the words tasted so pleasant sitting on the tip of your tongue. Levi was the first to move. His hands were planted on either side of your waist as he used you as leverage to pull away from Erwin’s tight grip, while pushing you further into Erwin’s broad chest. When Erwin’s arms loosened around you, you stepped away from the intoxicating smell in hopes of steadying your current dizzy spell. But that was fruitless. Not when Erwin’s arms pulled you back in. His lips pressed a sure kiss to your temple before letting you go and helping himself to a taste of the meat that was still sitting warm in the pan.

You decided to sit at the table that evening, even lighting a candle in the center of your small dining table with the rest of the lights in your home dimmed or off completely. It was practically romantic. Candlelit dinner in an intimate setting with the two men you could finally start to envision a life with. A life full of more than what the bounds of friendship could offer you.

It should have made you feel uncomfortable since you sat with such a pit of yearning in your gut once you realized your feelings. But it was impossible for you to allow the discomfort to fester when the conversation was free flowing and high spirited and your wine glass never seemed to be empty.

It was a Thursday evening and even though you had to work tomorrow, there was nothing keeping you from indulging in whatever whim you found yourself riding on. And somehow, before you could truly understand how the conversation led here, Erwin chuckled and offered a startling tidbit about Levi.

“I don’t know why me having lost my virginity to a girl has anything to do with anything,” Levi said defensively, the clear signs of innocent embarrassment coating his cheeks. Just beneath his usual wine flush. “You did too.”

“Yes, but I assumed I was straight until I met you,” Erwin shrugged, only having ever been in heterosexual relationships before Levi came along. You knew this though, having already been told about the torrid love triangle that consisted of him, Nile, and Marie.

“How sweet,” you mused, sipping your wine again and giggling as it softened your movements and you looked at Levi through the gentle flame. His eyes were heavy and a strand of hair fell down his forehead despite the headband he wore to keep it out of his eyes. But you stared dreamily at the way it tickled his lashes and he was too tipsy to move it away. Instead he looked as surly as ever at Erwin who couldn’t help the impish grin from stretching his lips.

“Isn’t it?” Erwin winked at you over the candle from his place across from you. Only to choose that moment to lean over and kiss Levi. And it wasn’t like the usual pecks he typically planted on Levi’s lips. This one was sloppier with his tongue parting Levi’s lips before holding him there against his face by the back of his neck. Levi acquiesced at first, with stiff shoulders but pliant lips. Until he seemed to remember they had an audience. You.

With a blush you could feel rushing down your neck and spine. Your body was hot and the telltale signs of arousal swirled so dangerously low in your stomach you had to shift in your seat and clear your throat. But you couldn’t seem to avert your gaze. Not when Erwin tilted Levi’s head so that his neck appeared to be strained yet you could tell it took great effort to pry himself from Erwin’s insistent lips.

When they broke the look they shared was startlingly coated in desire. A desire so palpable it hung in the air with the sickly sweetness of honey that stuck to even you. The hairs on your arms rose and goosebumps traveled involuntarily down your arms and your cheeks were burning at the sight.

“Anyone else ready for a slice of cake?” You squeaked out, mostly to fill the silence but also to give you something to do. Because if you didn’t do something you would only seem like a voyeur in your own home. Which was horrifyingly unfair. If anyone should be getting some it ought to be you.

Suddenly, a grouchiness overwhelmed you. An emotion that stemmed from pure envy and somewhere, deeper down, rejection. Not that you had been outwardly rejected, but the feelings presented itself just the same. You shuffled over to your kitchen to keep from looking at them, terrified that if you made eye contact that they could see every sordid emotion you felt plainly on your face.

Your back was to them as you sliced each piece evenly, trying your damnedest to keep your mind from straying to that kiss. Because even though it wasn’t you, you sure as hell wished that it was.

“You know.” You jumped out of your skin at Erwin’s voice which was not at all where you left it across the living room at the dining table, but right behind you. You hadn’t heard him approach. Usually stealth was Levi’s domain considering how large Erwin was and he always had heavy footfalls that you could track even from the other side of your home.

“You didn’t tell us about your first time,” he continued plainly as if he didn’t just blatantly makeout with his partner in front of you.

“Having sex?” You feigned ignorance because you forgot this all started with Erwin’s admission of Levi’s virginity loss to a woman.

“Well that was our last topic of discussion, was it not?” He replied sarcastically and when you looked up at him with an expression of exasperation, he only smiled at you slyly. Which unfortunately made your insides twist in a distinctly carnal manner.

“It’s not some big story,” you shrugged, placing a too thickly cut slice of cake on a small plate. “I was 20 and it was with my ex.”

The room went uncharacteristically silent. There was none of the usual traces of comfort you often found in the silence when the three of you were together. This silence was filled with an inquisitive air. Charged with unspoken questions that made you cut another large slice of cake. At this rate you may as well have cut the small cake into thirds.

“What?” Was Erwin’s instinctive reaction. And now your cheeks burned again, but this time it was from a weird sense of shame. Not that there was anything wrong with having too little or too many sexual partners. You knew just like most sane people that it was arbitrary and irrelevant. But both of their distinctive shocks somehow embarrassed you.

“I’ve only ever been with Onyankopon,” you muttered, cutting the final slice smaller than the other two with precise concentration this time.

“Really?” Erwin said again, his body tense beside you as your admission rolled around his mind over and over.

“Don’t be weird about it,” you replied somewhat defensively when you finally glanced at him and he was looking down at you with question marks floating around his head. Approaching you the same way you would a stray animal. Hesitant and coaxing.

“No no, it’s not weird,” he started, jumping away slightly when he realized just how odd he was behaving. “I just wouldn’t have expected it.”

“Why?”

“It’s just-” He stopped to think. “Well…”

You waited.

“Not even a random one night stand?” That question came from Levi. But instead of answering you grabbed two of the three plates from the island and walked back over to the table that Levi was still sitting at. You could feel Erwin’s presence behind you. The strong masculine urge to question and interrogate was being reeled in purely due to the fact that he wasn’t sure how to produce a question without sounding insensitive. And truly you didn’t mind the shock or the eggshells that seemed to suddenly litter your floor. Because it just so happened that in this life you only ever had the opportunity to be with one man. The cards fell in the exact places they needed to. Yet somehow you were now in a position of pining after two men. Both of which were sending you strange signals that you weren’t too sure what to do with.

“No,” you finally answered with a chunk of cake poised at the end of your fork ready for you to eat. But instead of doing that, you walked out on a limb, raising the fork closer to your lips and looking right at Levi as you uttered the words, “unless you’re offering.”

The silence deepened and then hollowed out. There was nothing between all of you but space. But that space, while empty in theory, was filled to the brim with buzzing tension that could have sparked a fire if a match was striked against it. You reclined in your seat, chewing on the cake languidly, as if you had all the time in the world. While for them it must have felt like time had frozen. Erwin stopped mid step behind Levi’s seat, while Levi who always seemed to have an air of indifference about him was awestruck. He was at a loss. You could sense it. Erwin was quite literally buffering where he stood. And for all the nerves that were constantly and persistently vibrating beneath your skin, they seemed to disappear just then. It was power you felt in their place. A sense of superiority. In this moment, you finally had the upper hand. You smirked, and it was smug, but to cover up your newfound courage you offered a demystifying, “I was kidding,” to placate them.

Time resumed. Erwin sat and Levi shook his head once before taking a forceful bite of his cake. But you effectively opened the door. Even if for now it was just a crack. The feelings and tension were seeping in, overwhelmingly so. And your heartbeat pattered relentlessly in your chest at your half admission. Anxiety resuming its rightful place in the center of your chest, but this time it held no traces of regret. Instead it was beginning to mold into anticipation. Excitement.

“We shouldn’t do this,” you said, half naked beneath a fluffy robe and standing at the door of Erwin and Levi’s guest bedroom. You were fidgeting in place. Your fingers tightening and knotting the tie around your waist that held the robe firmly in place. Meanwhile, Levi had an air of professionalism about him. He was in his work clothes, which you found comical since he wasn’t at work, and was dressing the massage table so that you could promptly slip between the crisp sheets once you rid yourself of your robe. Sure, Erwin offered this up to you on a silver platter not too long ago. And you even thought it was weird then. But it was so much weirder now that it surely was about to happen.

“Don’t be silly,” he said, stepping away from the table and finally looking up at you. What you expected to find was the typical indifference, but what you were met with was something hungry in his eyes. Especially when his eyes dropped and lingered at the opening of your robe. The v-shape was wide since it was too big for you, so your clavicle remained exposed and the illusion of your breasts was more apparent. Your chest warmed and you averted your eyes until you saw him walk towards you from your peripheral.

“I’ll be right back,” he said when he was close enough to you and when you forced your gaze to his, he added, “We’ll start with you face down. I heated the table for you as well.”

That alone had goosebumps rising on your skin and all you could manage was a meek nod as he stepped around you once more and closed the door behind him. Everything since that dinner at your home a few nights ago was riddled with sexual tension whether it was on purpose or not, it was so palpable every time you inhaled in their presence you breathed it straight into your lungs.

Once it dawned on you that this was really going to happen. That soon enough you would be laying naked, besides your underwear, beneath a thin sheet with Levi’s hands all over you a minute had passed. And as soon as that realization struck you, you remembered that he would be coming back any second. So you threw the robe off of your shoulders, shuddering at the kick of AC as it hit your bare skin, and nearly threw yourself beneath the flat sheet. Blissfully sighing when your chilled skin met the warmth of the bed and you thanked Levi for this thoughtfulness.

You lied there measuring your breaths in an attempt to calm your racing heart. This was supposed to help you relax, instead you were forcing yourself still and praying that your heart would take the hint and stop beating so erratically in your chest. When Levi lightly knocked on the door you couldn’t suppress the sudden jolt of your body. Your hand flew up to your chest instinctively and then the feeling of your bare breast seemed to startle you even more as you pushed your arm back beneath the blanket while letting out a shrill “come in.”

As soon as he entered the lights turned off, only leaving the yellow lamp in the corner and a few candles to illuminate the room. You smelled lavender and patchouli incense. It wasn’t until he came up to stand above your head that you realized you were lying face up instead of down like he instructed. You muttered out an apology when he smiled knowingly at you and before you could shift to flip over his hands found your shoulders.

“We can start like this,” he said softly, his voice had taken on a gentler note as he whispered into the quiet room. There was music thrumming in the background, but all you could focus on was the weight of his palms pushing your shoulders from your ears to help you stretch. His hands were surprisingly warm. You registered this distinctly because they were usually cold and then you remembered that before his sessions he would run his hands beneath hot water. And the thought of him doing just that while you panicked in here alone brought a small smile to your lips.

“More or less pressure?” He asked, his thumb applying pressure on the space where your neck met your shoulder.

“More,” you sighed, the word exhaling alongside your breath. He pressed harder, but you could sense the hesitance. You knew he was used to dealing with elderly clients, but your body wasn’t so frail, so you added a confident, “you don’t have to worry about being too rough. I promise I won’t break.”

You heard his chuckle above you and you peeked at him through heavy lidded eyes because the moment felt like a sedative. Like a drug was being pumped into the small room and you had no choice but to relax and fall victim to his touch.

“Noted,” he replied, flattening his hands and pushing them between your back and the bed. He lifted you slightly with the motion while massaging either side of your spine with his fingers. You expected this whole ordeal to be fueled by the intense sexual tension that has been plaguing you for weeks, but instead that tension took a backseat. And you drifted peacefully in between a serene state of your subconscious as his hands moved from your shoulders to your neck. He used your pliancy to his advantage, using his fingers to move your head this way and that. All the while you relished in the simple feeling of being touched. Touched with care and consideration. Touched with a specific sense of devotion where his only goal was to make you feel good. Great, even.

Soon enough, when his hands spread out wide over your chest you knew your nipples were hard, but you couldn’t be bothered. Not when his hands continued their course down each arm until his fingers met yours. He intertwined them to roll your wrist before printing his thumb into the palm of your hand and kneading the fat of your heel. You gasped involuntarily at the feeling, not realizing how stiff your hands had become over time.

“I’m gonna shift to your legs now,” he said in warning as the sheet that covered your leg was moved up to expose the skin just beneath your hip. He tucked the excess fabric politely between your thighs and you elected to keep your eyes closed because you feared that if you saw him under this lighting and connected that this touch was Levi’s touch, you would fall into the same spiraled state whenever you were around him or Erwin. The one where you kept blurring the lines until the colors all blended into each other and the lines disappeared into the landscape. Into a picture where you fit perfectly.

You just hummed in acknowledgement, turning your head to the opposite side so you could continue to relish in his touch without the fear of guilt rippling through you. His hands felt perfect against your aching muscles and you hadn’t realized how tense you actually were until you were beneath Levi’s devoted touch. When he asked you to flip over you were in such a state of dreamy bliss that you barely recalled the actual motion until your face was in the cushion and his hands were making deep sweeping motions across the expanse of your back. The weight of his upper body pressing you into the warm bed made you moan. Involuntarily. But when you uttered an incoherent apology all you heard in return was a rumbling chuckle.

At some point, sleep managed to touch you as ardently as Levi was. She whispered sweet temptations against your ear until you fell victim to her prowess. Refusal wasn’t an option, not when Levi’s fingers found the sole of your foot and you effectively melted like butter only to be eaten away by time.

You had no idea how long you slept for since Levi didn’t wake you up when he was done. But you awoke naturally to distant voices. Not that they were trying terribly hard to be quiet but the spa music was still playing and you weren’t sure if you were truly awake or just experiencing some lucid dream. You stretched instinctively only to find that none of your usual aches and knots were there. Honestly, the feeling was akin to being high. Your limbs were liquid and your muscles pulled languidly like sweet taffy.

When you found the boys after throwing your robe back on, Erwin was standing in the kitchen stirring something in a giant pot while Levi lounged on the couch no longer in his work clothes and back to the version of him you were used to seeing around the house.

“Good morning,” you said, voice still rough with sleep and you had to lean on the wall to keep yourself standing. Erwin peeked at you over his shoulder and his smile, while familiar, sent molten lava over your already pliant body.

“Hey you, how was the massage?”

“Good.” You pushed yourself off the wall and slowly and carefully made your way over to Erwin. Your legs were still jelly so each step felt like your knees would buckle beneath you at any moment.

“Just good?” He responded cheekily, throwing a dishcloth over his shoulder and leaning back against his counter beside the stove. He crossed his arms over his chest and you blatantly tracked the movement.

“Super good?” You tried again, smiling as you peered over the boiling pot allowing the steam to mist over your face.

“I’m making Italian Wedding soup,” he said while taking a step closer to you so that he could stir it again. You grinned up at him and he grinned down at you and it all felt so domestic. Peaceful. Comfortable.

“Mmmm, smells amazing,” you replied, eyes closing as the smell wafted through your nostrils and sighing contentedly.

“Drink water, please.” Levi called from his place on the couch. “It’ll help with the soreness that is gonna set in.”

When you shifted to glance over at Levi who was scrolling through his phone, your robe shifted where it was caught between your bicep and torso pulling the collar down to expose your shoulder.

“Are you still naked under that thing?” Erwin asked amusedly from his place behind you. Your hand flew up to fix the fabric back into place.

“Yes and yes,” you laughed, taking a much needed step away from Erwin who had completely begun to crowd your space, even if he didn’t realize that was exactly what he was doing. You kept walking backwards, both sets of eyes now on you as you made your way to the fridge to grab that bottle of water Levi was insisting you drink.

“I’m honestly feeling too lazy to put my clothes back on.” You shrugged to convey nonchalance and you were lucky you were left practically sedated after that massage if not you knew your shoulders would be too tense to feign any kind of indifference.

The tension was back, though. The air always seemed to thicken when it became inexplicably charged with sex and desire. Your water was too cold to chug so when you tried a bit of it had dripped down your chin. It felt like the beginning of a poorly written porno. Especially when your thumb subconsciously rose to wipe the wetness from beneath your bottom lip. Your chest grew warm and you had to avoid eye contact in order to calm your pulse and conjure up something to say. But the issue was the lack of thoughts hidden within the safety of your skull. Your body was feeding into its most basic instincts. And you saw Erwin take a step towards you. It was riddled with hesitancy. Your eyes were glued to the other foot, readied to take another step in your direction but waiting. For what? You had no idea. That was until your eyes slid over his bare calves. Coasted over his clothed thighs and lingered over the black fitted shirt that covered his abdomen. It felt like ogling. Well, you knew you were ogling. It was becoming increasingly more difficult not to ogle the more time you spent in their presence. Some would think containing this attraction would be easier the longer that you spent together. But that didn’t seem to be the case between the three of you. Every moment since you and Levi almost kissed had felt just like this. More touching, more looking, more yearning.

Your eyes met eventually. His irises were shadowed by dilated pupils. His chest was rising with deep, measured breaths. His control was astounding and you had to admit that. Everything about his stance was being held back by sheer resolve. And that resolve, the string that held him in place was somehow tethered to you, so when your eyes locked it snapped. His foot that was tentatively propped behind him finally moved. The space between you decreased quickly and when he was just within arm’s reach–close enough that if you lifted your arm your fingertips would graze his body– the timer went off. The sound was shrill and more than startling. You jumped so harshly that water splashed over the lip of the bottle and cold droplets fell against your flushed skin.

Erwin’s shoulders deflated, but in a second that was too quick for you to process in real time he was standing back at the stove. It was as if the moment never occurred. You, by the fridge, him stirring the soup, and Levi on the couch. The only evidence that anything amiss was about to occur was the water dripping down your arm, the towel that was once on Erwin’s shoulder now tossed in a ball on the counter, and Levi. He was no longer reclined in his comfortable position. His phone was no longer in his hand. And he definitely wasn’t mindlessly scrolling. He was poised to rise. His hands braced on the cushion beneath his thighs. When you looked at his face, his eyes were trained on Erwin.

For a moment you thought you saw anger in his gaze. Or even jealousy. But when his eyes switched to look at you. The depths of his gaze held no anger. Maybe envy sat there, but what rattled you to the core, was the carnality of a starving man. You took a physical step away from him. Even though he was feet away from you, his appetite was large enough to eat the distance between you.

“My job is having a fancy fundraiser next Saturday to raise money for the library,” you blurted out when your shoulder bumped into the fridge. “I can bring a date, and I’m sure I can swing an extra ticket if you’d both like to join me.”

Somehow, you ended up a few days later at the mall with Hange. Moblit had asked – begged– you to accompany them to the stores so they might find something other than jeans and a t- shirt to wear to the fundraiser coming up. It was a black tie event and you had yet to find a dress to wear for it either. So when you mentioned to Moblit that you would be leaving work early that day to shop, he took it upon himself to have Hange meet you downstairs and the both of you would head to the next town over to do some browsing.

“I have a suit, you know,” Hange said as the rush of cold air blew both of your hair from your faces once the sliding doors opened.

“And how old is this suit?” You asked, guiding them over to the nearest retailer after you saw some promising dresses on display in the window.

“Only a few years old,” they mumbled, which told you more than enough as to how old this suit actually was.

“Doesn’t hurt to add another one to your wardrobe and then once we find what we need we can raid the food court for samples,” you offered almost in bargain. Hange was extremely reward driven. You learned this much from merely watching how Moblit could coax them into doing something they really didn’t want to. The rewards were always whispered into their ear which meant that you really didn’t want to know what they were. But food was an easy enough treat to offer since it would benefit you both. And that way you had an excuse to overindulge on cinnamon sugar pretzels too.

“I don’t see the point in buying another black suit,” they groaned when you passed a row of tailored suit sets.

“Good thing it doesn’t have to be black,” you chuckled, pulling out a deep green ensemble and thrusting it into their hands. They looked it over skeptically, their eyes taking in the three piece suit with question, but eventually they draped it over their arm disinterested as they followed you around the store. You pulled out dress after dress and nothing seemed to work for you. Until funnily enough, Hange called over to you from a random alcove of the department store.

“How about this?” They asked, holding out a red dress. It was strapless with one of those long pieces of fabric that you draped around your neck like a scarf. The material felt luxurious in your hands as you took it from them. It was heavier than it appeared but the extra material layered at the bottom gave it a floating flowy effect.

“This is stunning,” you said in awe, pivoting so that you were facing the mirror on the column beside you. The length looked a bit long for you, but nothing a cute pair of heels couldn’t fix. This particular shade of red reminded you of Levi. A deep blush. A wine flush. Your insides warmed with affection as you just stared at your reflection.

“And together,” Hange came up beside you, leaning over so that their head was propped on your shoulder, “we’ll look like Christmas.”

“And you know how much I love Christmas,” you whispered conspiratorially to disguise the mirth in your voice. They grinned back at you in the mirror and excitement, real and true without the confines of anxiety, scattered through your chest. For the first time in what felt like a very long time you felt as if happiness was at your fingertips. Too large to hold in your hands but more than enough to fit securely in your embrace.

“Now what do you think about trying these suckers on and then heading to the food court like you promised?”

You breathed out a laugh before nodding in agreement. “Just let me grab one more size in case this one doesn’t fit.”

You watched as they practically skipped towards the fitting rooms with the suit you picked out thrown inelegantly over their shoulder. It was nice, the feeling of settling that washed over you. Like your feet were both on the ground and your head was held securely on your shoulders, and your heart, however haphazardly stitched back together, was nuzzled comfortably in your chest.

It wasn’t clear to you if all of this was just some red herring thrown your way to make it seem as though everything was going to work out. But you decided not to question it anymore. Because after all, you found people that finally made this city feel like home. And you wouldn’t trade that for the world.

#eruri x reader #aot fanfiction #snk fanfiction #eruri

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moonspirit · 4 months ago

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Hey moon, this doesn’t have anything to do with shipping and I’m not sure if you’re still doing requests or anything, but what do you think about Armin looking up to Erwin as kind of a father figure?

Like they have a lot of things in common and Erwin canonically acknowledged how smart Armin is, and kind of respected him for it. And Armin losing his whole family before he was a teenager probably impacted him so much, I think he’s kind of a sensitive person who tries not to show it, but just thinks Erwin is so cool.

Sorry for the long paragraph.

Hello anon!

I'm sorry for inserting an excerpt I once wrote; a really tiny bit about this very thing (for those who read VBEOW, this is from Ch 10) :

In that brief moment that he fires his flares, he feels honoured and proud to be working under his Commander. To stand beside him, see the gears working in his head, understand the logical reasoning behind his strategization – skills obtained through so many years of glorious, bloody experience.

He watches Commander Erwin Smith choose his priorities.

I really agree with the notion that Armin looked up to Erwin not only for his intelligence and Commandeering skills, but also as a substitute parental figure. We never got much of the two beyond their canon interactions (over too soon by S3) but it's really good to imagine that Armin sought Erwin out several times for an intelligent conversation.

I believe one of the best things Erwin did was attempt to lift Armin up into a more Commandeering role considering he was still a green recruit.. The S3 part when he puts his soldiers under Armin's command is one of my personal favourites. Him recognising Armin's potential to be someone far greater in the future speaks to Erwin's ability to judge a person well by their character, personality and talent. I think that by doing these things such as giving Armin credence when he voices his suspicions, doubts and theories, acknowledging his intelligence and strategic skill, he was not only ensuring the development of a future Commander succeeding him, but also in giving the 15 year old a push to see for himself what he's worth.

That said, I'm not of the opinion that Erwin's and Armin's similarities are many aside from the obvious surface level ones. They are both good Commanders, they are both sharp, they are both highly skilled tacticians and strategists and they're both blonde, blue eyed, and bushy eyebrowed. But that's about it imo. Where Erwin was rather selfish, Armin was incredibly selfless. Where Erwin employed approaches that could lead to mass casualties, Armin was incredibly cautious and prioritised minimising loss of life. There are others too but that's for another post.

On the fatherly front, for Armin, yes, I see it. I see him thinking he'd like to learn from Erwin, study his methods, put forward his own and get feedback on what works. I also can see him yearning to be acknowledged by Erwin in some small way as a result of the admiration he holds for the Commander. Armin really respected Erwin for his singular focus and determination - something he's known to waver in himself thanks to his insecurity and hesitations (here's another difference between them).

I personally like to think they played a game of chess or something together, sometime. By accident, of course. But in that game Erwin probably saw a lot in what this boy was made up of. Similarly I think Armin saw what his Commander was made up of, only bettering his understanding of the person, and making him glad to have spent one hour, even if just one hour, with a man of his stature and excellence.

Because you see, he will be searching for a parent figure all his life. Nobody will *be* that forever, he will just spend life finding bits and pieces of what his parents could've been like to him if they'd lived. He found them in Erwin, Hange, Levi... And he will continue to find them in others as his life goes on. Because when you can never have the one thing you want to have, you are condemned to a life of yearning.

#askies #armin arlert #erwin smith #headcanon #attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #aot #snk #arminarlert #aot erwin #character analysis #meta #?#sorta

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ohmypawsandwhiskers · 18 days ago

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Of Devils and Monsters Ch. 9 is live!

Summary: Fate brings two old friends together again and sets them on the path to truth.In a last ditch effort to save her own skin, Lozen Daniella Pierce reaches out to an old friend in hopes of gaining her freedom. In doing so, she and Erwin Smith find themselves thrust on a path to truth- the truth behind the walls, behind secret organizations, and the truth of who they become. Content tags: Graphic Depictions of Violence; Major Character Death; Canon-Typical Violence; Denial of Feelings; Feelings Realization; Childhood Friends; Snippets of Erwin's time in the cadets; OC is Messy and Complicated; Pre-Canon Canon; Love Triangle Adjacent; Smut; Fluff and Angst; Dominant Erwin Smith; Protective Erwin Smith; Shift in POV; mentions of residential schools; OC is indigenous-coded; more tags to be added Chapter Word Count: 8,335

Read it here on Ao3!

#erwin smith #attack on titan fanfiction #aot fanfic #aot erwin #erwin x oc #erwin x reader #erwin x you #oc: lozen #attack on titan #aot #snk #shingeki no kyojin #levi ackerman #hange zoe #moblit berner #miche zacharias #fic: odam

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stilemawillow · 10 months ago

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MTIJ | Ch.30 City of Dumbassery, Here I Come

|mtij masterlist|

pairing: levi ackerman x reader

word count: 13k

summary: a girl with a variety of hidden complexes has to live with a french asshole for nine months. easy? on the surface. problematic? definitely. romantic? not too much, or at least they’d make it a point to say so everytime when asked. the end? please, their dynamic isn’t as simple as that.

warnings: nsfw content; mentions of nudity; virginity loss; oral sex (f! receiving); protected sex; explicit sexual content; reader discretion advised

A hundred-dollar question: where do people go to blow off steam when their interns weren’t back back from their vacation yet? First and foremost, never City of Dumbassery as it’s not a place for relaxation. I might’ve been its main population these days, but I fancied myself a rational person capable of making the right choices when needed. Pretend you’re not looking at my romantic history. The right choice, however, wasn’t always right in the heat of the moment, only in perspective, so we begin this scene with me, seated on Erwin Smith’s couch with Hanji Zoe and a cup of coffee.

For more information on the right-est choice I made as of late, keep watching. Or as asshole-me insists on promoting: Come see the prequel to the biggest fuck-up of this girl’s life. I, though oblivious to its imminent eventuation at the point where we start, had a vague notion of what I wanted the next few days to look like. Let’s just say, humourlessly enough, that my wildest dreams came nowhere close to the reality that would take place.

“I’m sorry about last time, (Y/N). I didn’t know about you and Eren.” Hanji’s contrite apology made my smile widen as I lifted the cup of coffee to my lips. Dismissing the fact she brought the topic right back with the intention to make amends, Hanji was a good person and clearly sincere in her ways of regarding me. Kindness was one thing, but this woman’s pure cordiality was admirable.

“It’s not a problem. I could tell it wasn’t your intention to hurt me.” The corner of my mouth twitched in self-reproach at the manipulative bullshit I let slip. Instantly, I corrected: “Not that I was hurt.” If it’d been Annie, she wouldn’t straight-up laughed. Had it been Levi, he would’ve stared at me like I was dumb for thinking him dumb enough to buy it. But this was Hanji and she just smiled reassuringly.

“You can share if you want to. That’s what I’m here for with all my friends,” she offered. It sounded tempting but I couldn’t allow myself that kind of openness yet. Annie was, as always, the only person who knew the full story in all its repulsive glory but if I wanted to preserve (Levi’s privacy) my reputation, I couldn’t tell the whole thing here. The whole thing – look at me dodging the serious parts in an attempt to make myself feel better. I couldn’t tell Hanji about my intoxicated attempt to sleep with her friend, who gave dubious if any consent. Sounded appropriately disgusting like this.

“Mike and Erwin seem like they lead pretty decent lives, though.” Redirecting the topic, ignoring everything weird, dismissing all as a dirty scheme meant to humiliate me – a methodical step-by-step guide on how to be a paranoid bitch. It would’ve been my equivalent of the Bible if I weren’t an atheist. Even if I regularly used OMG, if I had to pick a fictional character to believe was real, at least I’d pick one from a book with a legit author – something by King, Thackeray, Hemingway, Tolkien, Orwell or Hawthorne. Following that train of thought, I might as well start worshipping Mickey Mouse – it’d do me more good than the big guy with the beard who loves me but would make me suffer for all eternity for stepping out of line once. I did it a lot.

“It wasn’t always like that. Not to mention Levi was stuck in the gutter a month back.” Hanji’s words snapped me out of my daze. “I know I told you to wait for him, but I don’t trust him, so make sure you keep this conversation a secret,” she warned while leaning forward as if afraid the walls would hear. The suspense, though exaggerated and a bit comical, made me put down my coffee. “So, you know how Petra is mentioned here and there?” I nodded. “She was Levi’s fiancé. She died in a car crash last October.” I knew I should’ve reacted appropriately but I couldn’t force it quickly enough. Hanji noticed. “You don’t look shocked.”

“No, but I am surprised. A lot of things make sense now. I’m sorry for your loss.” I hastened to make a recovery to lessen the doubt along the planes of her face. A pang tugged on my heart. When I considered the alternate reality where Petra hadn’t died, the notion of Levi not arriving for his internship was incomprehensible. He’d be studying hard at home and married. No rings, no chaos, no cheating for me – yes, good, but no company around the house either, no distraction and no comfort.

“You haven’t done anything to apologise for it,” Hanji said. “Anyways. Shorty was in a really bad place the months after. Working himself to the bone, no sleep, no food, no nothing. He just had to be doing something. The one good thing that came out of it was his weekly visits to his mother.” A small pause, a moment of consideration for her and an odd feeling of fascination for me. I was soaking it up like a sponge because I was seeing, at last, his angle. “Maybe it hit him that if death came for Petra, it could come for Kuchel, too. I can’t know for sure. All I know is he exhausted himself to the point he collapsed. Unconscious for three whole days. Isabel told him he’d gotten the internship when he woke up.”

“So he used it as an escape,” I finished. It was a logical conclusion. Hanji nodded. Avoiding pain wasn’t the way but he’d been desperate to get away and the internship had been the perfect opportunity. He’d grabbed his bags, boarded the plane and then… well, had to deal with me. Not a warm welcome by any means. He hadn’t even had the energy to get angry or look like he felt anything. I hadn’t known, hadn’t cared enough to see. It made me uncomfortable to realise it.

“Flew over a whole ocean and kept working,” Hanji proceeded. “He wanted something to distract himself with. When he ran out of work because he did overtime, he started calling home more often. Vague details were all he gave, but I got the feeling he had something else to work on.” Hanji’s words made a lopsided smile kiss my lips. He’d wanted to busy himself with my well-being, but I’d taken it the wrong way, as I often did. Nowadays the matter was often used against him but never by him – wasn’t that funny?

“Becoming the spoiled brat’s babysitter,” I filled in kindly, but Hanji’s disapproving frown meant to reproach along with the eloquent gesture of her crossing her arms. I didn’t regret the way I worded it. Eren, Annie, Mikasa and my mother had often tried to make me rethink my ways, but results were yet to manifest. This story, with me as the shitty protagonist most likely to be insufferable contrary to sympathy-inducing, portrayed reality as I saw it – and reality often neglected character development.

“He never called you either, but he did mention taking care of you had the same effect as working, if not better. I felt he might find himself a friend, so I supported him. I think I made the right choice. You have a lot in common,” Hanji declared. It struck a cord – did we really? Our arguments were fire lashing out at ice – not something that happened with people got along. Levi was hard to anger whereas I had a short fuse – everything was a personal insult. No easier target than a conceited paranoid.

“On the topic of that,” I piped. “How do you forget somebody?” The question was light-hearted. I decided to dismiss the whole story so I could ponder it later. Hanji’s brows furrowed as she smiled sympathetically. She couldn’t imagine the situation well enough. The question was I over Eren? had kept at a safe distance from my mind during my birthday vacation and the beginning of August only to assault it now with pitiless ire.

Things kept coming back when I least needed them. Thoughts of the twinkle in his teal eyes or the crooked smile he always wore before a kiss, the sound of his voice – the softness he’d told me he loved me with the first time, the haunting quiver in it when we were breaking up. I woke up at night with the howl of planes taking off and landing. On some mornings, I woke up, hoping to hear a knock at the door and see his face. Would he be more tan? Would his eyes be the same? Would his hair be styled differently? Would he have grown taller?

But, (Y/N), a voice would say in my head, people don’t grow taller just like that, it’s physically impossible.

Eren can, I’d argue, because Eren is my boyfriend and he can do anything if he puts his mind to it.

But Eren wasn’t my boyfriend and he wasn’t a miracle-maker. I’d sit in bed and argue with myself that Eren would come back, that I wanted the best for him and that wasn’t me, that we were done, but that he’d still come back. He never did. A small desperate part of me still hoped for the door to open – any door. Erwin Smith’s apartment’s front door right now, even. I could almost hear his footsteps going up the stairs. I swore I could. I turned to Hanji, a naïve question – can’t you? – flickering in my orbs. She didn’t catch it.

“I’m not an expert,” she said instead. “But Levi can be of help. His coping mechanisms aren’t the best example to follow, but he has a good head on his shoulders. He just doesn’t listen to it.” She might’ve thought, with how desperate I looked, that I might cry. She didn’t know pride would rather have me rip out of my tear ducts before that happened. I didn’t cry often or in many people’s presence. That wasn’t to say I didn’t like Hanji. But Annie and, unfortunately, Levi were the exceptions here. The latter was a mystery, probably my attempt to play a damsel in distress to ask for attention. Attention and help and fucking, might as well – a kiss. Couldn’t he just kiss me sometimes without me having to be in the middle of a mood?

“Yeah, well, I wouldn’t copy those coping mechanisms even if I wanted to. Work, sex and alcohol are never a good mix.” I let out an awkward string of laughter, weirded out by my abrupt disconnection from the conversation and how it turned my thoughts against me. I didn’t miss him that much. Also, he was coming home tomorrow. I had nothing to play the desperate whore for. There was the blondie. That wasn’t jealousy, though. I’d say it was my wish to prove myself better.

“Sex?” Hanji echoed with a conflicted expression.

“Sex with my father’s secretary. I think it was around May. He stormed out after calling her and came back drunk in the middle of the night,” I explained. The brown-haired woman took a second to process the story, then burst out in incredulous laughter. My brows twitched. “What’s so funny?” Was it something else or was I just weird for not thinking my father’s intern and secretary fucking the joke of the century?

“I remember him telling me about that,” she started, voice hinting at a new bout of cackling. “He went to her place for paperwork and she had her boyfriend over. They kept offering him drinks and he agreed to shut them up. Crossed the line at some point. He even got lost on his way back to the house.” I wanted to face-palm using the table and, hopefully, get myself into a coma. Was there a person on this Earth denser than me or was I a phenomenal idiot?

“Oh, God,” I muttered in a wheeze. “I’m so stupid.” Embarrassment and shame painted the tips of my ears bright crimson as I clenched my fists. Hanji patted my shoulder.

“You’re not stupid. I would’ve thought the same if I had no context. Levi would never just have a one-night stand, though. Not the type of person for it. He claims it’s the wrongest way to get over something.” Her brown eyes, previously fixed on me, were now directed at the coffee table. “Might work for you, but he most certainly hates it.” A snort was drawn from her lips as she withdrew her hand from my shoulder. I tried not to think about it, but it was inevitable. Hitch’s party, him refusing, refusing, refusing, because it would be “just like that” and “just like that” was a solution for neither of us.

“I’ll consider it,” I joked. “I was busy up until recently, but maybe university won’t be enough to distract me.” I smiled as Hanji chuckled, patting my back.

“Another boyfriend should do the trick in that case,” she said.

But I don’t want another boyfriend, I wanted to counter. I want your grumpy short friend. The thought froze me up. Asshole-me joined Hanji’s hearty chuckle. Bold of me to think it. Terrible of me to think it. Wrong of me to think it. It was complicated. If romance was not involved here, it was undeniable at this point. I could almost feel it written in capital letters on my forehead.

ATTRACTED TO LEVI ACKERMAN. VERY.

“I’m not ready for the commitment.” Was the only comment to exit my mouth due to the sudden discomfort nestling in the crevice of my ribcage. “I think,” I added awkwardly, reluctant regarding a relationship but very opinionated on the topic of engaging my father’s intern in something inappropriate that would make our relations twice as complicated as they were.

“A friend with benefits then?” Hanji’s mind-reading abilities amazed. I realised it suddenly – that it was natural, this attraction of mine, no matter how humiliating and inconvenient. It wasn’t weird and maybe it wasn’t all that wrong. It was a guy who was three years older than me who lived with me that I considered unreachable. The forbidden fruit, so to say. He was handsome, mysterious and had abs. Natural to be attracted to that. Natural to be attracted to it when I saw it every day and it saw me every day and most times it treated me with passive kindness. So there’d be no harm, I assumed, in initiating something a smidge bigger. What was stopping me? I didn’t have a boyfriend, I wouldn’t feel guilty and I wasn’t insecure because, hey, he’d kissed me last time. Obviously, I wasn’t nasty.

“Update from a virgin to a slut then?” I smirked, a decision born. Hanji’s mouth clamped shut shamefully and I laughed. “I’m kidding, calm down. It was just a joke.” I patted her back. The ring on my finger was cool to the couch and soothing. My resolve, for once, was there. I had a goal. A simple one at that – nothing dangerous. Two words: kiss Levi. I would do it because there was nothing to stop me. I mean, what was the worst that could happen?

…

Imagine an elegant expensive kitchen armed with all kinds of top-quality appliances. Paradise for all little housewives who greet their husbands with a warm meal. I wasn’t that type and the fact I spent four hours cooking more food than a family of six could eat didn’t make me one either. Judging was futile because I took care of that myself during the whole process. Currently, the fruit of my effort sat in front of me – a full three-course meal with different forks to go with the high-class atmosphere. I was far from a successor of Gordon Ramsay, but I outdid myself this time. Why? Last-minute anxiety maybe. Or fear. I needed a distraction because the thought of Eren wouldn’t stop pestering me. Added to that was the fact my father could walk in without Levi. Asshole-me didn’t help.

Bet on the outcome now! A once-in-a-lifetime offer that provides an endless amount of entertainment for the whole family! Fifty bucks says a discount version of William will use the vanishing potion and fly back to France! The other side of the bet? Sorry, I don’t know her. With such a commentator, it was early to skip the food and go straight to consuming my fingernails. Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock. Place your bets right now, your bets need to go in the ballot box, quickly fill out the slips and put them in! Will he go or yes? And what’s the sweat for, princess? Don’t we like watching history repeat itself? I love it. So bet, bet, bet, bet! Come on, faster! If I had a penny for each time your father’s intern left you in the summer, I’d have two pennies. Which isn’t a lot, but it’s hilarious it happened twice!

The jingle of keys pulled the plug on asshole-me’s voice. I’d waited a whole hour now and my head snapped up so fast I heard my neck pop. The front door opened and my heart flinched when my father walked in, dressed in one of those hideous Hawaiian shirts they sold in souvenir shops and flaunting on his nose and cheekbones a really bad case of sunburn. He’d say the sun was harsh in Minnesota. I’d pretend not to hear because believing was impossible. He slipped out of his sandals and I clasped my hands together in excitement.

“Dad, finally! I was starting to think I’d have to reheat everything,” I said. He turned to face the fake exasperation masking the genuine joy I felt at his return. A doubtful smile tugged at the corner of his mouth and my eyes were frantically bouncing from him to the open door. Panic began to well up in my mind. Asshole-me was diligently digging a hole for it, to fit as much as possible.

“A pretty big feast you have there.” Rolland Raven took off the sunglasses he was wearing to eye the food a bit better. I cracked a smile I hoped wouldn’t seem constipated. My thought process was starting to lag due to overload when I heard a faint curse. Next thing, Levi’s pale figure, wearing a ridiculous straw hat. My heart dropped like a stone, plugged the pit of panic and made asshole-me yelp when it nearly crushed her fingers. I felt like stumbling back into my chair and never getting up.

“I guessed you might be hungry after the flight. You don’t have to eat all of it,” I said. It was then a pair of graphite hues shot up to my face. It felt like each muscle in it strained almost to the point of tearing. My father took a seat at the counter while the intern opted to drop off his luggage upstairs and change clothes. I stared after him a second too long while he was climbing the stairs.

“You’ve never waited for me after a business trip before.” (E/c) clashed with (e/c) as my father began picking his food and digging in with more enthusiasm than I’d expected. Levi had mentioned the almightly Raven had complained about the poor quality on the trip compared to what he had at home, but it was still a compliment to witness it manifested.

“I usually have things to do when you’re on business trips, father. This summer I needed a source of entertainment.” I rolled my eyes, letting them scan the interior during the roundabout lie. Lucky enough, they caught the exact moment Levi was leaving his room, tugging down his shirt. A glimpse of fit abdominals. A vague tan line. The food on the counter became a tad bit less appetising.

“Don’t you have Eren Jaeger to help with that?” My father’s question made my attention snap back in place just in time for Levi not to catch me staring. He took a seat at the far end of the counter but I was too preoccupied with a small freak-out fit to dwell on it.

“About that,” I squeaked out with a constipated expression, prompting both men’s attention to turn from half-hearted to wholly undivided. Amazing. I couldn’t have done a better job at it if I’d begun yodelling out of the blue. “Eren broke up with me two months ago.” The key to not sounding like a squeaky toy was to not meet anybody’s gaze. My father was blinking like something had gotten in his eye and Levi’s jaw clenched at the discomfort he was subjected to.

“And I wasn’t notified of that because?” Rolland Raven, among many a quality, was a proud man who, in spite of his profession, could never act quite as predictably as I wished him to. This was no exception because I didn’t have time to open my mouth before he silenced me with a hand in the air. “No, forget I asked. I need to have a serious talk with him. Maybe make him pay back all the dates you’ve handled with interest. We can make a fortune.” The devious plan was voiced in his typical cold-blooded businessman manner. I waved my hands around in discomfort.

“Hold your horses, father. You’re not the one who got dumped. Eren ended the whole thing because he went to study in Germany,” I explained but it wouldn’t satisfy my father, who only glared while putting a fork-full of potatoes in his mouth. Levi tried to become fully invisible. I thought if things got too heated for him, he might make a dash for his room with the dish.

“Unreasonable as can be. If he loved you as much as he had the balls to claim in front of me, he could’ve thought of an alternative that didn’t include breaking your heart. Because of something as insignificant as distance, too.” My father leaned back in his chair with folded arms. He forgot all about food so he could glare at me.

“4898 miles to be exact,” I murmured pitifully. Both men shot me an incredulous look, to which I switched on defence mode. “I did my research. I wasn’t crying the whole time.” Subconsciously copying my father’s position, I reclined in my chair and crossed my arms, glaring like a child prior to giving a sigh and smiling weakly. “I gave it a lot of thought and he did the right thing. So can you be the one to tell mom later?” The last inquiry seemed to surprise him, maybe because it was expected of me to share more with my mother and thus already have her know the super secret information I was handing him.

“I’ll try not to cry as I do.” A nod and a similar weak smile. “You did well not to tell me immediately.” He returned to normal – calculating and sharp, looking for weaknesses and thinking in numbers. Levi’s lack of shock went unnoticed, which I was secretly thankful for. The raven was looking at me playing with the silver band around my finger to soothe my nerves.

“Because you would’ve gone to the airport to kick him to the curb like a good father?” I smirked, a pointed look aimed at the dark-haired businessman, who only snorted in return prior to redirecting his attention back to the food.

“… maybe.” A small pause betraying care, an awkward glance in his intern’s direction conveying mild panic as a result of his feelings showing and a fake clearing of the throat to show discomfiture. He changed the topic immediately. “Have I told you you’ve become a better cook than your mother?” (E/c) clashed with (e/c) and I knew he could see I was holding back laughter by the way the corner of his mouth twitched downwards in displeasure.

“You have now. Congratulations on successfully dodging the topic,” I announced with a complacent grin as he scoffed, ignoring the embarrassment so he could go back to eating. Levi’s gaze was relentless but, once having resolved the current minor conflict, I felt too ashamed to return it. I couldn’t be speaking of Eren, thinking of Levi and acting like a professional whore. It went against my moral code. I wished it was as stable as my pride. Somewhere in my head, asshole-me was drafting an advertisement for the future demise of both.

The following day was unexpectedly laid back in terms of emotions – the process of waking up and going to work was starting to become mechanical. I disliked that I was turning into a nine-to-five zombie, but Melinda’s cross remarks did nothing to hinder my placidity and Adam’s request for a date was, surprisingly, accepted with a pinch of reluctance. It was time for something new, I defended when asshole-me breached the topic of my change of heart. I couldn’t go a whole life without clashing with a man who wasn’t Eren. To forget him, I actually needed to accept that. Because knowing he wouldn’t come back and I didn’t want to get back together was different from realising I couldn’t stay in the comfort zone of being endlessly attached to him and using it as an excuse to never move on.

I felt a smile light up my face the moment I saw Levi in front of the TV with a cup of tea in his hand. Unfortunately, I couldn’t use him to move on – it was the conclusion I drew from the quiet happiness gripping my heart at the sight of him beckoning me over. Everything I’d done had been quite enough. I wouldn’t turn him into a tool as well. So I settled on the couch and we led a half-assed conversation about the movie playing until my parents barged in, beaming and formal. Going for a date at a restaurant – yeah, no, I knew where they were going after. I smiled as we sent them off, and then the ebony-haired intern began choosing the movie we’d be watching and I worked on the snacks downstairs.

Accepted a date, claimed you won’t use him and now you’re pondering the kiss you’ll initiate. You know you’re fucked in the head, correct? Asshole-me piped mockingly, making me huff. I knew I was fucked in the head because she was there. Also, kissing Levi and using Levi were two different things. Different for him how? It’s kissing. It wasn’t. It would be exploring this time – not thinking about being distracted but feeling it for what it was. Jesus, that’s such a weak excuse. I felt she might be face-palming. Seriously, what’s wrong with you? You spent so much time telling your best friend you don’t like him, then you miss Eren, then you “date” Adam, then you grab your friend-zoned intern and decide you’ll be kissing him again – after you established you’re fucking inferior to the blondie who’s clearly hitting on him or clearly intent on doing it too. Can you not follow the timeline?

“Princess, why does Natalie tell me you’ve filled out all the forms related to the company’s income during our vacation?” Levi lowered the phone from his ear. The call had ended a second ago and he was glaring at me doubtfully. I was busy watching the movie – hopefully, excuse enough for scarce to no eye contact. I opened the pack of Doritos I’d dug up from my secret stash in the garage and warily eyed the pale intern’s expression.

“Because the forms were in the office downstairs and I figured they’d get in the way of our movie marathon, asshole. I haven’t messed them up.” My scoff was promptly returned to sender as Levi shoved his phone back in his pocket and clicked his tongue in exasperation. Another three minutes passed before I spoke up: “By the way, I need advice.” The room was dimly lit and the raven’s sharp gaze was on my temple.

“Will you have it in mind when you get back on your bullshit?” The inquiry was flat and doubtful. I tried to nod but it came out looking like a cringe and a shrug. His lips pursed in exhaustion. “Spill,” he ordered coldly, making me pout.

“How do I forget Eren?” Squeaky was the best I could do after becoming tense again. Nervousness was gnawing at the feeble stem of courage I’d managed to grow and my hopes for this to go as smoothly as a chat about the weather were stuck in an elevator on the top floor of a skyscraper. Even overthinking was useless here.

“Easy,” he said. Again, there was that breach of grammar. “Find somebody new. Judging by how much you’re smiling these days, you might as well be done with that.” The suspicious mockery made me snort.

“Don’t you think I might be happy to have you and dad back home?” I asked pointedly.

“No,” he countered with a defiant click of his tongue. What he said next sounded like an extract from a Jorge Bucay book. Something about self-love maybe. “Before you get with Rivers, however, you have to accept that Jaeger is now your ex. He’s part of the past and the past doesn’t hold power over the future if you don’t let it.” I bit back laughter to not offend him.

“Such a poet you are,” I huffed half-heartedly. “And how do I stop loving him?” Seriousness stood perched on my right shoulder, but the Doritos between us kept decreasing and I felt the soothing coolness of the ring on my finger. Our gazes locked and I stared, just because I could, because he was back, because he acted normally. And why wouldn’t he? Our circumstances surely weren’t enough to alter his demeanour.

“You don’t. You never will and you should get used to it.” His answer cut deep and I realised it might’ve confused me but I was too captivated by his eyes to process it. He forced himself to explain: “We never stop loving somebody once we’ve fallen for them. We just fall harder for another person.” It was as romantic as it was businessman-like. A bit too… systematic somehow.

Line up, line up! Asshole-me encouraged. I imagined a big queue in front of an entrance door with a sign bearing my name above it. Number 12, pass through, but beware – number 10 wasn’t careful with his words and number 11 made no effort to change that! The asshole side of me clearly fancied the idea. For all waiting, the Eren Jaeger mural is on the left and the guy on the right is the one you’ll never be! Keep trying but keep this face in mind – Levi Ackerman is hiding in a lot of the corners you’ll visit! He’s an invaluable guest at this establishment! Oh! Is it time for the next one already? Hurry up, number 13! Don’t hold up the queue, who knows how much capacity we have left. And so on until the last victim had walked in. It made my nose scrunch up.

“Does that mean you still haven’t gotten over Petra?” I piped curiously, bright eyes observing closely the intern’s reaction. The movie was no longer as interesting. Everything I could focus on was the furrow between Levi’s brows and the flat unperturbed look in his eyes. He grabbed a Dorito from the pack. I moved my hand away just in time to avoid a clash.

“It means I haven’t fallen in love with the next in line,” he said, reinforcing the notion of a queue. “I’m used to the fact she’d dead. Filling out every report in the world won’t bring her back,” he paused briefly and gulped, “so I go on with my life.” The explanation was simple but relatively quiet, like he was trying to say the words while not exactly aiming to have me hear them. His gaze was staring at the screen ahead as I looked down, trying to come up with a good one-liner to put him out of his discomfort.

“I feel like we’re becoming pensive,” I started with a lopsided smirk, “so let me pull a Reverse Uno card on this mood by saying I’ve reached a milestone in my life.” Licking the Dorito dust off my fingers, I puffed out my chest proudly, making the intern put a hand to his mouth. Maybe he’d bitten back a smile behind it. “I won’t get fined for driving without supervision now. Not to mention, I can have sex.” Waving an index finger in front of his face, I didn’t react when he grabbed it without warning.

“I don’t see what stopped you before,” he stated nonchalantly. I shrugged, concluding I hadn’t exactly shared with him details about my childish vow.

“There was this really religious teacher at school when I was ten – she scarred all her classes by giving them unsolicited Sex Education lectures mixed with Bible verse. Got fired because children complained to their parents, but she did a good one on me before that,” I explained with a smile, yanking my finger from his hold. “Since sex was for sinners – both began with the letter s, she explained to us – and I didn’t want to be a sinner because it meant… well, a bad person, I told myself I’d have sex only after turning eighteen, regardless of the temptation. So I held out. Proud of myself for that.” My complacent smile made him snort. He might’ve glanced at my lips right after.

“I’m sure there’s been a lot of temptation for you, princess,” he drawled in a deep sarcastic voice, moving the empty bag of Doritos away before wiping his fingers with as I processed the retort. I sat still, pouting for a fraction of a second, when it hit me this was my chance. The signal was there – shining in bright green, if I wasn’t color-blind – and it was time for me to grasp the opportunity.

“More than you can imagine, asshole,” I said with a scoff, not parting my eyes from his profile to observe his reaction. We cast aside the fact he could’ve poked fun at me being the furthest thing from a believer, yet such a big aspect of my life had been altered by a religious teacher. The tip of his nose twitched when he snorted in dismissal, not daring to meet my eye all of a sudden.

“The mood has been brightened. What do we do now?” He turned to face me, curious but hesitant, and I felt a surge of courage at the sight of the indecisiveness dawdling about in his grey eyes. The blue specks were calling me – count us, (Y/N), count us – and I concluded this would be the one time I initiated anything between us. It was stressful and scary, but it was Levi, so want overpowered fear, resulting in something we’d have a hard time sorting out our feelings on.

“Watch the movie you so diligently picked for us maybe?” But actions contradicted words because I was leaning in and he could see it. For two whole seconds, there was no movement on his end. Panic was about to make me pull back, pin it to something else, anything else, when his hand lifted, slender fingers gently tucking my hair behind my ear. This was it. It would happen. I was exploring what it’d be like without the guilt of purposefully seeking distraction.

It was slow – the first kiss – his lips barely landing on top of mine so we could taste the water even when we knew it was lukewarm. The movie was like white noise – I could catch fragments of dialogue and the screen illuminated Levi’s profile the few times my lids fluttered open. His hold on the side of my face was gentle, granting permission for me to pull back at any point. I didn’t know what he was thinking. I knew I was barely thinking and it felt nice, for my head to be so blissfully empty. It was all sensations and when he dragged his tongue over my bottom lip, my mouth opened to allow access for further exploration. The kiss deepened and I tried to push closer into him.

“Get on top,” he muttered into my mouth. His right hand dipped to grab my leg. I might’ve flushed bright red, but I still complied, slowly straddling him and letting his hands guide me to where he found it most comfortable. I was terribly aware of what I sat on. It might’ve been terribly aware of me, too.

It was slow and fast at the same time. We weren’t breaking the kiss but some moments of it – like his hand brushing my side and making me cover in goosebumps – were fleeting like blinks while others – like the weird scorching thing in my whole torso – felt endless. It was indescribable to a point, the heat of the moment but the moment was long and the pace was changing slightly the more it went on. It hadn’t been him either. It was him responding to me, because I couldn’t for the life not hold him tightly and subconsciously look for more. We were glued together and his fingers had tentatively pushed up my shirt at the back so they could trail up and down the curve of my spine.

My head was tilted, fingers tangled in his hair and heavy huffs escaping my nostrils. He smelled like lavender and rain and cologne, and my fucking conditioner I’d told him a thousand times to stop using because it was expensive. I didn’t bother scolding him about it now. My desperate want turned the kisses hungrier and there was this point – I might’ve wiggled slightly to find an even closer spot – but he stiffened and grabbed the back of my head, growing twice as persistent and passionate. Weird, using that word about him. It hit me the forbidden part of male anatomy I was seated on top of had risen to attention. It made me wonder if it had happened before and that, in turn, was simultaneously embarrassing and flattering. He was attracted to me, too. Duh. We were literally making out on my bed.

When more began translating as more of everything instead of more of this particular thing, he seemed to sense the shift. His hands guided me off his lap and back on the bed. My head was resting against the pillow and my head was empty, lids fluttering open to drink the sight of him the first time he broke the kiss – pale but handsome, tired but caring, bored but clearly moved by the happening. It was a miracle. I’d been begging for this statue to show me anything in the beginning of his internship. I hadn’t known it could show me this – it looked like a godsend. My heart was going a hundred miles per hour, my breath was unsteady and my body felt hot all over.

It didn’t matter where he kissed – my lips, my neck, my chest, my shoulders – I just wanted him to keep kissing me. Temptation had seldom been this strong and the vow was no longer active, it was fulfilled – an electrifying realisation. I didn’t need to have him stop. What my sinner’s hands did the moment that resolution snapped in place was to grab the hem of his shirt and, with pointed urgent eyes, plead with him to take it off. He hesitated for exactly one second, then complied, like he’d complied with everything else without having me say it. He was kneeling between my legs, arms going over his head so the piece of clothing could be discarded. His chest and abdomen flexed, the biceps, the triceps, all the other names of muscles I’d had to read about but hadn’t memorised. Adonis in the flesh. Fuck me for drooling. Oh.

If I could paint, I’d paint him. If I could sing, I’d write a song. If I had a taser, I’d tase myself out of being so cringe-worthy in admiring the body of a man. But when that body pressed against mine, everything became a bit too hot – literally and metaphorically – so I decided the next step was to cool down by taking off my own clothes. First the shirt, then the pants he helped out with. I almost laughed when they tangled at my ankles and he had to tug them off with an irritated frown. Here it was, having my father’s intern see my bra again. This time I didn’t mind.

“Frills? Seriously?” Well, now I minded.

“Do we have an issue?” I snapped with a pointed look. It didn’t help he was towering over me, sizing up my underwear with eyes that spoke simultaneously of him being amused and him being something else. I wondered if he was still hard. I hadn’t touched there once.

“It’s almost cute,” he mocked flatly. He didn’t reach to take it off – he just leaned down to mollify me with a kiss. It worked. I was carried off into wanting more again. The weight of him on top of me grounded the body and made the soul soar. It was a cringe comparison but whatever, it was true. I realised, right about the time I tugged on the waistband of his sweatpants and his brows flashed in unrestrained surprise, that I was an eighteen-year-old doing exactly what was expected of every single eighteen-year-old on the planet – sneaking a boy into my room while my parents were out.

This here was a boy I trusted and a boy I was halfway convinced was more of a man than a boy, mostly when it came to observing how he casually sat up and removed his sweatpants with precision contrary to clumsiness. My eyes flickered down to his boxers. Still hard alright. There was a rush of excitement and shame all at once when I realised it. A bit too late to stop and pin this a mere heat-of-the-momet make-out session. It was the real deal. Happening. Live. In my room. On a late August evening. Goodness gracious.

It took me a second to process it and he might’ve sensed that I’d grown a bit rigid despite remaining just as active. He didn’t advance the happening, petting my hair and kissing me, and trailing lower, but only as low as he’d gone before, finding the rest a sort of forbidden land. Didn’t even take off the bra with the frills he mocked me for. What a gentleman. He was kissing the curve of my breast and I was wondering how in the fucking hell I’d deserved this.

“We don’t have to,” he warned at some point. “If you don’t want to. Saying no is allowed.” He kissed me and it was intoxicating, but also the last snapped nerve. I arched my back off the bed, elbows bending so my hands could reach for my bra clip. The shoulder straps went loose and Levi paused for a moment to process what the act meant.

“I won’t say it,” I muttered with determination, eyes locked with his. Pride was strong within me even now and, having the wordless consent, he gently took off the bra before paying some attention to newfound territory. It was like being examined in a lab. Again, my boobs weren’t perfect. It was genetics and fate, and whatever else. In being embarrassed about him staring at my chest, I was graced by the thought I hadn’t shaved anywhere. Double embarrassed. Wasn’t it only right that the first time would come with presentability? There go the Raven teachings.

And the word nipple is somewhat lame – I’ve heard it from native and non-native speakers of English both – but there is no other word. So when his tongue rolled around my nipple, I forgot I hadn’t shaved and drew such a sharp breath I almost choked. My chest was heaving and he was thumbing my other nipple. I thought we’d get straight to it and was mistaken. He knew better, it seemed, because a virgin needed the bare minimum of this much and more foreplay to truly relax. It hit me for a fraction that this was actual foreplay while I was staring at the ceiling between trying not to make any sounds. I was like a dead fish, just letting him do things to me. More responsive than a dead fish but awfully inexperienced in any case. It made me feel just a bit guilty. My one saving grace was the fact his erection kept brushing against my leg – and if that was there, then it meant he wasn’t dissatisfied.

It was a black spot for a while because I couldn’t pinpoint between the overwhelming build-up of nice but not nice enough where exactly Levi was kissing or sucking or nipping or touching. Now it would be my thigh, now leaving a hickey on my shoulder, now trailing kisses over my jaw and down my neck, now caressing my side, now trailing a finger down to my navel, now my boob, intermission, the other boob – and the whole time there was that thing in my abdomen, the same one I’d felt with Eren, the hot knot begging for attention.

This was a new person and I hadn’t thought it’d come with a new person, but it was there alongside a brand new dynamic which wasn’t hurried or harsh or overtly passionate like I’d been used to. The pace was decent and steady and passion here didn’t amount to bruises – or at least not explicitly so. The new person made it thrilling, overwhelming. The new person made it a brand new experience. And when the brand new person’s hand gently dipped to touch the part where my legs met, I shivered all over, heart and lady boner flinching at once. Levi, with his obstinacy, refused to ask permission vocally. I still nodded, spreading my legs a bit wider. Slowly, like my panties weren’t in the way, he kissed from my knee to the base of my inner thigh, nipped slightly and made me yelp, and muffled something like a chuckle against the plush of my leg.

I didn’t know what he was thinking. I knew his fingers pressing against the spot where wetness had accumulated made my mouth gape slightly. I craned my neck and closed my eyes. There was embarrassment holding hands with excitement, with pleasure breathing down their necks. Nothing quite mattered. I breathed out like I’d been holding my breath for fourteen minutes when the raven’s fingers gently dragged back and forth against my core and then he might’ve been impatient, because he tugged my underwear out of the way, down my legs, past the knees and the ankles, dropping it with the rest of our clothes and the empty Dorito bag on the floor. It was a whole mess, this thing. I wanted it.

“The house is empty, princess,” he said while leaning down to kiss below my navel.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, almost out of breath in spite of my lungs functioning perfectly. His fingers were ghosting on the side of where I wanted him to touch. His mouth dragged lower. There was the jab of shame about not being shaved again. It hadn’t sent him to his feet and out of the room, so it was probably fine. A man wasn’t afraid to fight the jungle, I’d heard a few times before.

“That you can make noise without being scared,” he responded casually. I snorted and decided inwardly that I wouldn’t be making any noise whatsoever, just to spite him. It did feel good, though, so I doubted I could actually hold back effectively. As though to challenge the unsaid decision, Levi cut the suspense short. When his tongue rested where only one other had before, I came close to whining. My hand shot down to paw at his hair and he hummed against my clit. The vibrations of it made me writhe slightly.

He licked and sucked – nipped twice, which made me yelp both times – and did all sorts of other magic. Added to the title of mind-reader would now be the rank of mage. Then, there was this point when I could feel his fingers prodding at my entrance – a gentle warning of what was to come. First it was one. My mouth gaped and there was a slight flash of something like pain. More like discomfort. Now this was brand new wherever I looked at it from. Remember, my vow had its doors but none had included penetration. Officially the furthest I’d gone with somebody. Goodbye, hymen. You served us well.

He waited. Waited almost a full minute and distracted me with his tongue before I rolled my hips to give him the green light. Slow pumps. It was still uncomfortable, but the friction wasn’t painful. Just uncomfortable and new and I didn’t like change, but when this one found with its finger one particular spot sold off as the Bermuda Triangle for men to find, I might’ve liked this particular change. First, it made me moan. Second, the more he kept reaching that spot – because it was impossible to miss I liked it – the closer I was to coming. There were sloppy sounds and a second finger inserting itself in me, and my voice bouncing off the walls before dropping to the floor in a hush.

I might’ve said his name, actually, I might’ve half-screamed it. The orgasm hit me like a brick dropping straight on my genitals and he kept flicking his tongue slower and slower until I’d ridden it out in full. How considerate. When his fingers came out, there was a spot of blood. My mouth clamped shut in shame. He reached over to clean them with a wet wipe – then he cleaned me, too, because obviously he could see things that were invisible to me. There was slick on his chin and I glared half-heartedly when his eyes twinkled in amusement at me.

“Well, that’s done,” I muttered while he leaned over with the intention to kiss me again. “Wipe your mouth, asshole.” I put a hand to his chest to prevent my own pussy juices from coming in contact with my face. For a clean-freak, he sure didn’t seem to be in a hurry to get them off.

“You don’t want to see how tasty it is?” He was mocking me. I was red and hot all over still, a bit like a deflated balloon being refilled with exasperation contrary to air. No longer a virgin, as far as doctors would care. Still kind of in the middle, considering typical hetero interactions included something more than fingers.

“God, no!” I tried to push at his jaw and he almost chuckled when the pussy juice got on my fingers and I flicked my wrist frantically to get it off.

“It was god, yes a second ago,” he drawled pointedly. I burned bright red under his gaze, naked and not a hymen-bearer and kind of lost as to what came next. I pouted, swatted his shoulder and pretended to be very disgusted when he kissed me, making it open-mouted and sloppy for the sake of spiting me. In truth, it didn’t taste like much. Tasted weird, unlike food and drink. Well, that’s bodily fluids for you.

Remember the right-est choice I made as of late? Here it comes. The kiss guided his fingers down to my clit again and mine – to the band of his boxers. A tug and a snap, and he asked me three whole fucking times if I was sure. Not verbally, of course. It was just the particular way he stopped between each step to make sure, to look at me straight in the eye and have me nod my consent back to him. Like I’d change my mind that fast. God’s sake – if I would’ve said no, I would’ve said it before we’d kissed. But this wasn’t something he would do under normal circumstances – not a matter of alcohol, guilt or duty. It was free will and choice. Mine might’ve been made sometime last month, right around my birthday.

The boxers were gone. I blinked at it. A penis in textbooks, a dick in colloquial speech, a cock in smut books, a member in tame erotica. Length, girth, meat sword, love machine – could go on forever. We sat staring at it like it was an alien and while I was bashful, I was also bad with measurements without the aid of a ruler, hence why I safely concluded that I could stack about four donuts on it and put the zipper on it. There was that thing – precum, was it? – leaking from the tip. In all honesty, no I didn’t want to lick it off. Same went for sperm. In the history of mankind, I’d done the gracious thing and sucked off my boyfriend exactly once – the rest had been handjobs because blowjobs came with terrible pains in the jaw, a cramping of the tongue, a crap salty taste and the awkward detail of looking like an unattractive fish during the act. So, no, I didn’t volunteer to show off how bad I was at it.

“Condoms, shit.” It flew out of my mouth unintentionally. Levi’s face scrunched up. We were both visited by the bitter realisation that going further was not an option anymore, unless he wanted to don on a sock. Then the solution came to me. “Keep it up, I’ll be back in a minute,” I mumbled hurriedly, jumping off the bed and rushing butt-naked out of the room so I could go to my parents’ bedroom. Yeah, no, such was the reality of things. I tried to keep my conscience untainted while rummaging through the wardrobe. The hidden box of condoms in the back by the shoes was the saving grace. I wouldn’t speak of this to a living soul that wasn’t Annie Leonheardt ever.

The moment I returned to the room with the box held proudly over my head, Levi snorted. He laid me on the bed again and the mood returned, which was weird because I’d pinned him the type of experience one moment of interruption and consider it all ruined. Not that I’d thought about him during sex or having sex. I hadn’t. I promise. I was thinking it now, when I was about to have it with him. The kisses eased the natural awkwardness and by the time he was putting it in, I was a desperate mess again. Sweat stuck to skin and my breath got stuck in my throat when he pushed it in. I blanked, gaped like I’d received a headshot and felt him stand still to let me adjust. There was, again, mild discomfort. Fingers couldn’t compare to a dick.

I gave it half a minute and told him to move. The first thrust had me whining into his mouth. It was good. It was good, progressively becoming better and better and better, a surprise arriving with each snap of his hips. My father’s intern having sex with me, my father’s intern, my father’s intern, my intern, my Levi. The first five minutes were full of careful slow strokes to let the awkwardness dissipate and for me to get used to it. I won’t call myself anything but I’ll say I got used to it a bit too fast for comfort. So it went. Losing my virginity to my father’s intern.

“Faster, can you--- a bit faster?” The words were choked out and you’d wonder why I would ask for faster when slow was doing a good job of making my chest heave like I was running a marathon, but it was maddening and addictive.

“I can for you, princess.” It was a rasp against the side of my neck and I was blanking because the voice, paired with the hands, with the scent, with the sensation of being full and empty, then full and empty again was so mind-numbing I could melt on the spot and stay there forever. So slow and careful turned into fast and considerate. There was no harshness in him even when he kneaded my boobs or licked stripes down the length of my throat, no harshness whatsoever when he gripped my thighs or my sides. It was tight, but pleasant, egging me on further.

I bit down on the pillow when he found the spot. I bit his finger, too. I bit his shoulder and I bit my own hand to keep my voice down because how was something on this Earth allowed to be so nice? Fuck. He murmured at me to moan if I felt like it. There was a smug undertone. And when he reached between us to roll circles around my clit, I didn’t moan – I was a banshee impersonator, neck craning, back arching, toes curling, all that jazz. I came with a crash and a bang, and it might’ve been an hour by now, or maybe more, but the neighbourhood was asleep and I was wide awake, trying to wake them up, too.

A five-minute break of kisses served as an intermission to avoid me becoming overstimulated but Levi was still hard and still quite energetic in spite of the fact he’d been fucking me for an overall of thirty minutes without stopping or having his pace hitch. Round two started fast and I had my legs up, knees on the sides of my head. It was hot, seeing him through that kind of frame. Just one bead of sweat on his temple – not sticky all over, unlike me. Why was I the one becoming exhausted anyway? I was being a pillow princess. His eyes were gorgeous and his lips were slightly swollen.

“Please, don’t stop,” I whined at some point. He didn’t seem to have any prospects of stopping anyway, but I couldn’t help it. He huffed, chest heaving with lust and I knew it wasn’t easy to be the one doing all the work, so I mentally gave credit where credit was due. “Oh--- Levi, God!” He seemed like he wanted to laugh and my ring glimmered in the dark against his cheek while I tried to pull him down for a kiss which was simply impossible in our current position. He switched it five minutes later. It was not an understatement to claim I was seeing stars and everything was nice and nothing was awkward and this was the most handsome man with the most stamina on this land.

I lost my voice at some point, or I thought I did because my third orgasm couldn’t make me bite down on the pillow fast enough to muffle the literal holler that left my lungs. His name, by the way. If that hadn’t woken the neighbours, I wasn’t sure anything would. I was recuperating and he was trailing gentle pecks along my neck, still not finished. Was sex always this physically draining? My mind might’ve blanked during the third round and we were in missionary again because I insisted that I be able to kiss him any time I wished to. His hand was holding my wrist captive and the other was massaging my breast and it was all a giant whirlpool of pleasure and heat and fluids – the nasty and the nice in one, but I couldn’t care less about the nasty.

He came with a growl, biting down on my shoulder to muffle something that sounded like my name as his pace hitched and turned sloppy for the first time in what felt like hours. He slumped down on top of me and I was breathing more heavily than him, calmed by the weight. I was blinking at the ceiling and my heart was doing somersaults in my ribcage. He went to shower after a minute of rest, I called him out for being a clean freak and it just so happened that my perception of time wasn’t all too warped because checking my phone made me realise we’d had sex for about three hours, foreplay included. I slipped into the shirt he’d tossed on the floor, wiped myself and very considerately ignored the soreness in my hips while changing the sheets.

To my biggest surprise, he returned to my room in a new pair of boxers with his hair wet. There was no invitation. He joined me on the clean bed and wrapped his arms around me. This might’ve been aftercare. When our gazes locked, I didn’t dare avert my eyes in bashfulness. It was surreal and I wanted to memorise it. Then he asked me again – as voicelessly as the first time and the following ten – and I answered positively by flashing him the biggest smile I could muster. No words were exchanged. Levi rolled his eyes and I tucked myself under his chin, legs tangling with his. I was knocked out cold. I wouldn’t hasten to write this off as a happy ending but I wouldn’t immediately turn it angsty either. I explored. It was nice. I don’t think I regretted it for a second.

Waking up was a surreal experience because it included the added luxury of being bathed in sunlight with a warm arm draped around my midriff and a pale sunlit face inches from mine. A spot of purple in the crook of his neck and a few red crescents on his shoulder. Perhaps one or two leftover scratches on his back. I blinked at the sight incredulously, gradually coming to and realising what this position meant – prompted by last night’s three different ones, too.

It happened! Asshole-me hollered in my head, nearly hysteric, slamming a pan into a bell and making the echo of the toll ring painfully against the confines of my skull. You ruined it all! It was like an automatic switch – suddenly, the neutral was the bad and I had complicated it with my impulsiveness, my stupid hormones. I imagined four months of awkwardness and the wish to have more but being completely incapable of asking for fear it would mean feelings. I pictured a tense atmosphere, uncomfortable interactions, embarrassing thoughts, lame excuses. A friendship built with struggle and just barely reinforced annihilated to smithereens by my dumb ass.

I cringed, removing my hand from Levi’s chest to slap myself across the face for being horrible again – not in using him but in indulging my own selfishness. His eyelids fluttered open before the admonishment transpired and I was staring straight into the melted silver which had the tendency to read my thoughts. The current self-reprimanding cacophony would entertain him.

“… should make you coffee,” he mumbled half-coherently, making me blink wondrously at his hazy composure. This is normal, his eyes whispered, lips pressing nonchalantly to my forehead before he got up, so there’s no need to be so shocked. The trip down the stairs was silent. I had left scratches. More than two.

Currently, we were in the kitchen, sitting around the counter with our mandatory morning drinks. Unsaid words hung from the ceiling like dangling cobwebs. Levi, who’d needed a moment to retrieve his memories in full, was stiff and uncertain, and in spite of that visibly calmer than me. I could feel my face heating up as I thought of what to say. This wasn’t normal, even if both of us upon our respective awakening had pinned it such. It was something we had to discuss but how were we supposed to discuss sex when we sometimes fought over food? Deciding what to do seemed impossible.

“Are we going to talk about the elephant in the room?” The raven, of course, was the one who broke the silence while I was slurping on my coffee, gaze averted and heart beating erratically. “Princess, I’m afraid this is something important,” he said in the face of my silence. His piercing glare was on my temple but I wouldn’t turn, keeping my fingers glued to my cup and my mind grounded in panic. “Need I remind you exactly what happened?” Levi pressed additionally, husky voice raising in audible urgency. I felt completely and utterly naked – dressed in only his shirt and my own underwear.

“We had sex, that’s what happened.” I shrugged, mind preoccupied with the strange feeling eating its way into it. Deep into my stomach, up to my lungs, through the chambers of the heart, in the windpipe – but not painfully. “There’s nothing more to it.” The nonchalant statement didn’t get a warm welcome. That much was to be expected. The attractive intern was frowning, rubbing his temples with a frustrated sigh. I tried not to look at his fingers.

And I’m trying to do just that, asshole-me scoffed pointedly. There’s something different about them when they’ve been inside you last night, yeah? A good type of different. Imagine it. My shoulders tensed as I chased her around in my head with a frying pan. Levi ran a hand through his ebony locks. Wow, is that the sex hair? And I pursed my lips in displeasure, knowing the struggles of the current moment and choosing in spite of them to secretly a wish for a second time. No harm, you know, no harm whatsoever in wanting to fuck your father’s goddamn intern, yeah? No? Can you hear it? Does it sound like a good sentence? Does it?

“Where exactly does your lacking virginity fit into your nothing more to it?” His retort made me cringe, well aware of the virginity ace hidden up his imaginary sleeve. It was a bit harder to argue with him when he was half-naked, letting me see the spots I’d bitten and kissed. The situation: we’d had sex. My side: I had nothing against him being my first because I trusted him and he’d been experienced and careful enough to make it nice. The actual problem: he was my father’s intern.

The abstract part: intimacy often came with, well… intimacy. Casual sex had the advantage of not seeing your partner again afterwards and in our case, we’d had casual sex with somebody we saw daily. Future speculation: tension due to this adventure would brew either discord or twice the ferocity in repeating the adventure. A possible solution: talking about feelings. Additional issue: Levi and I talking about feelings? Not in this day and age. Not in this life either. Telling him he made me feel warm and appreciated? Impossible. Honesty in the face of something embarrassing? Sorry, I don’t know her. She must be really lame.

“Everywhere, because I don’t care for it. It might add complexity to your situation, but it doesn’t play a big role in mine.” Dismissing the whole of it and pinning it on him was wrong. My nonchalance was false. Maybe it was what made him take a deep breath prior to speaking up again, his tea untouched.

“You’re supposed to be freaking out, princess.” His eyes were on mine and asshole-me was screaming: Come on, do it! Just kiss him and make things worse! Go right ahead! I averted my gaze with a snort. He’d used my nickname last night. Added a shade of meaning to it. I tried to get a grip as my rational side reasoned with the situation. This had been a one-time thing – or at least for him. Following that train of thought, wanting more was useless.

“You think I’m not?” It was high-pitched and ludicrous. Memories were surfacing and it was somewhat unpleasant to think they wouldn’t repeat. Levi kissing me in the dark, almost saying my name, clearing the hair from my sweaty forehead, biting my neck as he came, smiling against my lips as I tugged on his hair and tried not to moan, holding me close afterwards, not once saying the wrong thing. “I’m freaking out. You just don’t see it.” My downcast gaze was thoughtful and the air was becoming heavier with something I couldn’t identify. I could feel him staring and it bugged me not to know what he was thinking. “What?” I snapped, refraining from playing with my ring.

“What do you want to do now?” He asked flatly, eyes pinning me in place. “Do you want me to pretend this didn’t happen or do you want us to keep going?” It was ridiculous hearing him say it because, usually, he wouldn’t. I blinked, thinking I’d misheard.

“Keep going as in keep having sex?” I echoed to make sure I’d understood. It might’ve gone out a bit more shocked than expected, which made him sigh.

“I was listing options. In the end, it all comes down to what you want.” The flat voice made me realise I knew what I wanted well enough to have chosen during the conversation with Hanji three days ago or maybe even before I’d had the courage to admit it to myself.

“I don’t know what I want,” I lied with a pointed look, vehement embarrassment clawing up my throat and scratching at the back of it. I could say I wanted to keep going – his offer meant he might be willing – but his response was a fifty-fifty on whether he was sexually frustrated or would rather stick to decorum while living in the same house as the girl he was fucking and her father. I couldn’t turn the question on him because it was mean. I couldn’t call it a mistake because that would be another lie. I was tired of lying when it didn’t go to protect my pride.

“You don’t?” He quirked a thin brow mockingly, feigning the surprise he didn’t feel. “Or you just don’t want to admit your favour the more embarrassing option?” I sat motionless, knowing this wasn’t what I should’ve been doing – considering it. Maybe this was a test he had for me – to see if I’d be dumb or act like a reasonable adult. But (there came that stupid word again) if Hanji had been right, this wasn’t a random hook-up, which meant there might be something and---

Are you seriously considering a relationship with somebody who’s leaving in less than four months? Asshole-me interjected, making me sigh in defeat. Doesn’t fuck randomly, okay, fine, but this is an exception. How in the fucking hell would he grow to like you? You know that’s impossible. Methinks he went along with it because you clearly wanted it. Think about it, he does all sorts of bullshit for you. So what sounds more plausible? Him being himself or him liking you? The former, of course, but I couldn’t admit it. Like I couldn’t admit he was right to say I favoured the more embarrassing option.

“Even if it was like that,” I chose to return the favour and be doubtful, “I’m not inclined to think your morals would let you humour me.” My chin was tipped upwards while Levi shook his head and finally took a sip from his tea. The ghost of a smirk in the corner of his mouth disarmed.

“I have little to nothing against it. But,” (that fucking word again) the firmness of his voice was the only thing keeping my chest from swelling, “it doesn’t sound like an ideal course of action when you’ve almost got yourself a new boyfriend,” he reasoned calmly, somber responsibility lacing his tone.

“It’s not cheating if we’re not official,” I protested instantly, furrowed brows and a pout. He snorted.

“That’s not what I meant, princess.” My lips pursed at the jolt the nickname gave me. “I don’t want sex clouding your judgement. I get Rivers isn’t your boyfriend, but you shouldn’t exclude him as a possibility just because you’ve started thinking you have feelings for me.”

“Besides being a poet, you’ve turned into a psychologist, too,” I exclaimed with a genuinely cheerful chuckle that made him quirk a brow. Something in my throat shrivelled up. “Don’t dwell on my feelings too much, asshole,” I reassured. “I like this because it’s something new, not because I’m head over heels in love with you.” I was still chuckling as he sipped on his tea and fixed me with one of those firm looks that had the ability to bend the knees. The effect was doubled in intensity this morning.

“Make your choice then,” he said boredly, not wishing to be too imperious, seeing as the situation wasn’t taking place in a formal setting where he was the boss and I was the indecisive underling. I might as well have been, with how hot my ears got while I held his gaze, brave and stupid in the face of somebody who read me better than I sometimes read myself.

“I’m not saying it out loud,” I muttered, bashful. The ebony-haired intern watched me struggle before tilting his head to the side with a fake air of oblivion.

“Then I won’t know what you want,” he said innocently, attempting to mock my shyness and what was more – succeeding. I burned bright red, feeling heat creep up my neck and my glare was pointed and uncontrolled. It couldn’t pass as mere annoyance because Levi was hitting a nerve.

“I didn’t see you having a hard time knowing everything I wanted last night, but okay.” There was more spite than sass in the sentence, which only further conveyed my inability to stay nonchalant – something that clearly amused him. “I want us to… keep going. Satisfied?” Crossed arms, downcast gaze and a childish pout. I was the live embodiment of the word petulance and Levi wasn’t done having fun with it.

“Not as satisfied as I clearly left you.” He was smirking and I glared at him, furious and not knowing where the blood would go when there was no space left in my head. I hopped off my chair, turning my back to him and hearing how he moved to stand behind me. A well-meaning hand landed on my shoulder. “It was a joke, princess, there’s no need for the cold shoulder.” His tone was flat and disinterested, but there was a pacifying sliver. He might’ve been trying to make peace but I wouldn’t have it after all the embarrassment he put me through – just to have a good private laugh, too!

“Un-fucking-bearable, that’s what you are,” I hissed, brushing his hand off my shoulder and heading to the staircase in order to escape. He gave chase and set on ignoring the usual code that forbade touchy-touchy when unneeded. The pure and unfiltered imagination one must have in order to picture a shirtless Greek God chasing after a poorly dressed eighteen-year-old spoiled brat was too ambitious a requirement for anybody to fulfil. Turn to mythology for that, but it’s inappropriate there and this one meant well.

“I’ll stop embarrassing you if that’s what you want.” His hands were on my shoulders. He turned me around and I didn’t look at him, much less respond. He could sense I was ashamed. His hands slowly trailed down over my arms to hold my wrists in a grip I could, with effort, free myself from. “Does the mere mention of sex with no context whatsoever embarrass you, princess?” He knew it did, leaning forward with twinkling eyes and a complacent half-smile. “Your face is red.”

“And you’re a fucking genius, congratulations,” I spat with sarcastic disgruntlement. He pulled me forward so that I bumped into his chest. My shoulders jumped in surprise. I didn’t want to look him in the eye but the sight of the marks I’d left on him were no less embarrassing to behold. My heart sped up and I was pouting, flush against him with nowhere to go.

“It speaks,” he whispered by my ear. His hands retraced their steps over my arms and shoulders, gently gliding against the sides of my neck until they held my face. “Does it want to go up to my room?” Blue specks in a pool of melted silver. The question was genuine, in spite of being masked with slight mockery. The adult of us two. I tried to stay mad, but it was impossible. I promised the blue specks I’d count them later and then we were kissing. It was a funny picture – the whole of this situation – ridiculous but somehow not fictional. It was him lifting me off the floor and me wrapping my legs around him. It was him making step after step, steady and careful not to drop me while I snickered into his mouth. It was me being a literal koala and then it was us, hearing the jingle of keys.

“Shit,” I cursed, parting from him with a smack. He let go and I could catch only a glimpse of the panic on his face before I was running up the stairs. I’d barely closed the door behind us when I heard my mother greeting the empty kitchen downstairs. While I breathed out in relief, Levi was already heading to the balcony. It occurred to me that there was a pack of condoms on my nightstand and they were stolen. I’d need to make a trip to the pharmacy and replace the box. Talk about inconvenient. “Careful now,” I piped while the intern was preparing to make the jump, “we don’t want you to fall.” He gave me a half-hearted glare but said nothing.

When he was gone, I plopped down on my bed and grinned incredulously at the ceiling. This “secret sex” thing we were about to dive into wasn’t how I’d imagined the weeks prior to my first year in university, but oh, well. Expect the unexpected and if unable to – just accept it. This officially marked the beginning of my longest stay in City of Dumbassery. It was surprising, however, that I wasn’t alone in there. Twice as surprising that I’d be stuck with my father’s intern. Whom I was having sex with. Amazing. Spectacular. Asshole-me would have my ass for that.

tag list: @unloved-cadillac ; @donaldthrts

#mtij #levi x reader #levi ackerman fanfiction #x reader #levi ackerman imagine #reader insert #levi ackerman x reader #it finally happened #all i'm going to say: i wrote the actual sex scene while editing the rest of the chapter because i was too bashful in the past lol #sure hope it's not worse than the vague three paragraphs of the past #levi is a literal king who preaches consent and safe sex and nobody will change my opinion #also our drama queen is entering a brand new arc of her life #beware: storm incoming

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levithestripper · 3 months ago

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two dads an aunt and their unruly children

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lucysarah-c · 2 years ago

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"My room is a disaster, my life slightly more,"

-Erwin Smith, Holy Ground Ch. 18

#aot #levi #snk #shingeki no kyojin #attack on titan #captain levi #levi ackerman #levi aot #snk levi #attack on titans #snk erwin #erwin snk #aot erwin #commander erwin #erwin smith #holy ground #levi x reader #levi x reader x erwin

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melishade · 2 years ago

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top 5 favs from TFP / or top 5 characters from AoT (in ur opinion)

This ask game btw

Top five characters from TFP or Aot...I'll do Aot.

For Attack on Titan:

Hanji Zoe my beloved. I just...I project on this woman, a lot. And you might notice it in my writing. Lol. She's just fun. She cares about science. I just love her energy. I really wish we learned more about her.

2. Levi Ackerman. He's got a great backstory. He can beyblade like a beast, and he does genuinely care about people. And once you have his loyalty, you have it. He's just terrible with emotions. And get this man some sleep!

3. Erwin Smith. Guy got shit done even though he dirtied his hands for it. I don't agree with all of his methods, but I respect his work ethics. And he's still willing to die for the cause with his comrades and gives bomb ass speeches while doing it.

4. Armin Arlert. I think what I liked most about him was that despite the world going to shit or collapsing all around him, he does his best to hold onto hope. To find a light through the darkness. He wants desperately for there to be peace, but if he has to get his hands dirty he will. I just wish what he said to Eren in ch 139 wasn't the way he said it. God, it still rubs me the wrong way to this day. If it was rephrased differently, he might've been higher up on the list.

5. Historia Reiss. I did not like the fact that Isayama sidelined her in season 4 because she had some phenomenal character development in season 3. A girl told by everyone what to do, defying the fate others wanted her to take. That's empowering and badass.

#asks #send me asks #attack on titan #aot #snk #shingeki no kyojin #hanji zoe #levi ackerman #erwin smith #armin arlert #historia reiss

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nymphoheretic · 2 years ago

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911 Brainrot ??

Let me introduce to you the way I write my Erwin Smith fics : BY THINKING AB BOBBY NASH !

Am I ashamed in any way ? No I have daddy issues

- @ch-4-s-3

BOBBY NASH AND ERWIN ARE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON!!

#nymph.letters♡#nymph's chase♡

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the-traveling-poet · 1 month ago

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Ch. 1 ~ Customary Acquaintance

𝓢𝓾𝓶𝓶𝓪𝓻𝔂~ A shipment of parchment requested by the Survey Corps Commander Erwin Smith, has yet to arrive, despite the notion of it having been paid for in advanced. Normally it might have taken an extra day or two, due to the amount in which he’d purchased with the Regiment’s funds; but this time, it had been nearly a week. Figuring he might ‘kill two birds with one stone’, Erwin, along with his newly appointed Captain, Levi, decides to go in person to check on production after a weary meeting with the Commander of the Military Police; Nile Dok. Very much to the dismay of the newest Captain of the Corps.

𝓒𝓱𝓪𝓹𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓒𝓸𝓷𝓽𝓮𝓷𝓽~ Language, relationship drama, crude banter / See Masterlist for overall story content!

Word Count ~ 4.5k

(Note) While this is a Levi Ackerman x F!reader insert, I eventually will include personalized characteristics to Y/N. Nothing drastic! I plan on this simply because I want to write this fic based on some personal characteristics I myself have, and wish to write things I have a better understanding of. Leave me be this is my stress reliever fic T-T

Enjoy~

"Remind me again why this is necessary? This is ridiculous, Eyebrows."

Silence followed the man's monotone grumble, all nearly quiet save for the rhythmic clipping and thudding of wooden cart’s wheels over uneven cobbled roads. What early morning light flooded in through a small window cascaded half the length of the carriage, somewhat illuminating his companion's already golden blond hair combed neatly back.

Erwin turned his head to meet Levi’s gaze, an almost weary smile settling onto his lips.

"As I've said before; as newly appointed and acting Commander of the Survey Corps, it's my responsibility to not only meet with the neighboring Commanders of the other Regiments to discuss business, but also my responsibility to understand and check in with the many sponsors contributing to the supplies our men need. Since the delivery of our parchment never arrived to our inventory, I intend to find out why and perhaps make transit easier for both our parties,” he explained, reciting once again the answer he’d already given even earlier on that same morning.

"...Forget I asked," Levi groaned, shifting in his seat uncomfortably, one leg propped up over the other.

"Pompous bastards..." He continued in a rather miffed mumble just shortly after, hardly even under his breath.

Through a furrowed brow and clenched jaw, Erwin kept up that tight lipped smile and averted his gaze out the carriage's small window at his side.

Taking Levi in under his wing to guide him on his ascent through the ranks had become more challenging than he had foreseen it to be, but he was nothing if not a man who loved a good challenge; even if this challenge had an attitude problem and a sharp tongue.

"Levi, I know you aren't fond of the MP’s Commander, but Nile Dok-"

"That bastard has balls the size of his ego, and he's snobby."

Levi interjected with a groan, unfolding an arm from his chest to run a hand down his pale face in exasperation.

Sighing, Erwin continued as though he hadn’t been interrupted.

"...As I was saying, I'm aware of your...dislike of his character. But I'd like to ask, again, that you keep your composure. He was my closest friend for a time in my youth, you know."

"I can easily envision that, Eyebrows."

Levi scoffed, nearly rolling his eyes at the picture now brought to his mind, no doubt. Shrugging, Levi resisted the urge to throw both his hands up in mock surrender.

"Fine; I'll just not speak. How ‘bout that?”

Biting back yet another sigh of exasperation, Erwin hesitated before finally nodding. Such a stubborn man...Maybe even as stubborn as himself.

"Perhaps that would be for the best..."

One petty response met with another, both men averted their gazes towards separate windows away from one another, watching the city spin by them in baited silence.

Though, the tension in the air didn't keep Erwin from eventually deciding to confront the new Captain on another of his concerns, knowing it likely needed discussing once more as well.

"I’d also like to ask that you address me as Commander, during meetings like these. Informality isn't welcome anywhere within the ranks. Back at Headquarters, I'm merely lenient with you."

Grumbling unintelligibly, Levi dejectedly turned his narrowed gaze back again over towards the Commander sat across from him, arms since tucked tightly against his chest once more. He might have looked to be almost pouting in expression, the jutted lip and silent huff of resignation sign enough to his distress— if it weren't for the ever present disinterested glint in his grey irises trained directly at his Commander’s face with near defiance.

"Yeah, yeah; be formal, be quiet, be invisible. My specialties."

"I'd like to think the latter two are true enough."

Erwin slouched back in his seat, a loosely fisted hand propping up his chin along the carriage's interior wall. Lord, what could he say to this man to ease him up enough to understand his views on the matter?

Eventually thinking of one possible way, Erwin allowed a minute smile as he glanced the raven’s way yet again from the corner of his eye.

"Brighten up, Levi. Your presence in such 'mundane meetings', as you call them, aren't a privilege many other Captains can say they have."

"Oh, my apologies then. I'm so fucking honored. I might just piss myself with unbridled excitement when I document the meeting for a report later on tonight."

Levi spat back, also swiveling his gaze back towards Erwin with a roll of his eyes.

"Oh my god Levi, it's not that bad."

Erwin nearly chuckled purely in frustration as Levi quickly went back to his glaring out the carriage window closest to his side. Of course he would, such a pissy man.

Erwin thought better of broaching the subject any further, much less any other relating topic, noting Levi’s obvious disinterest and visible irritation. Better not to pester him too much, so early into the day. He’d need Levi alert and focused to take notes, after all.

Outside their windows, the scenery rolled by slower and slower, as the coachman tightened his grip on the reins and called the horses to a halt. Metal bearings creaked lightly under the now resting weight sat atop the metal supports, signaling Erwin to come to a stand once the floor felt stable enough.

"Right, then; we're here."

Briefly Erwin caught a murmured 'yeah no fucking shit' from Levi's lips as he exited the carriage, making him grimace to himself before quickly masking his frustration by nodding in thanks to the coachman atop the cart who still sat in his seat, miffed gaze averted. No doubt he’d caught fragments of the conversation taking place within his cart along the mostly empty streets and disapproved of the informal way the men argued.

By now, though it hadn’t been long since Levi’s promotion, the coachman seemed to know not to interfere when the Commander took his newest Captain anywhere with him, less he risk throwing himself into the fray of disgruntled conversation. It had happened once, and never again since.

Thus, he merely sat silently and nodded back politely to both men after they left his cart, staying exactly where he was and not moving even an inch either way.

Biting back a sigh, Erwin opted to leave the shorter man to keep up on his own once he’d stood from his cushioned seat and exited the vehicle. Surely he could manage that on his own without complaint.

Their walk across cobbled stone pathways leading into the MP’s main courtyard was a silent one, needless to say. Occasionally Erwin felt responsible enough along their short trek to glance back and make sure his newest Captain was keeping up—which, thankfully, he always was, albeit at a distance and with a sullen expression furrowing his pale brow. He was glaring down at the ground and occasionally scuffing his heel like a petulant child, much to Erwin’s annoyance.

Shaking any pity he might have momentarily felt for Levi away, Erwin turned his attention back to the front once more, watching as the distance between them and the main building to the Military Police’s headquarters drew nearer.

Even as the sun rose higher above the wall stretching the morning on, still the air remained crisp enough to chill them through both jacket and cloak. The season of Autumn would soon come to an end.

Behind the Scouting Commander, Levi flipped up the collar of his uniform against his neck, scoffing under his breath from the bite of the breeze. Despite experiencing a childhood and early adulthood life in the cold of the Underground City, he still wasn't so much a fan of the waning warmth.

It was one of the many things the younger man was still adjusting to aboveground.

Up ahead with his back straight and shoulders squared, Erwin continued in without comment. No amount of shitty weather or snarky attitude from his subordinates would keep him from his goals today.

As a figure suddenly came into view, striding towards them just as confidently from the opposite side of the courtyard, Erwin slowed his pace a tad and squinted against the glare of the sun against polished pale stone.

The approaching figure pause in step a moment as he caught sight of the two Scouts making their way across the yard in his direction, and his shoulders slumped forward just a tad before straightening himself into proper posture once more.

With a shake of his head and a weary sigh, Commander Nile Dok made the hesitant march across the yard until he was only a few paces away from the pair.

"Commander Erwin," Nile greeted rather gruffly as he looked the fellow Commander over from head to toe, finally coming to a stop with a fist clenched over his left breast in proper salute.

"It has a nice ring to it, I have to admit. Scouting Legion Commander Smith.”

A little surprised, Erwin raised a bushy brow before returning the stiff salute in respect.

"Commander Dok," he smiled politely as he, too, came to a pause only a pace away from where Nile had stopped.

"You've never addressed me formally, if I recall."

"Believe me, it's only forced regulation that I do now."

Nile shook his head, no longer attempting to suppress the grin he’d tried to keep to himself since uttering acknowledgment to the higher rank.

"I may have been chastised by Prime Minister for 'acting too casual for my rank', as he put it."

"You were quite the rebellious kid, back in the day," Erwin chuckled, reminiscence in his fair blue eyes.

“Seems it’s a trait that won’t soon leave you.”

Taking his turn in looking his old friend over head to toe, Erwin gave an amused huff.

"Who'd have thought all those years ago in camp we'd reach such a status as Commanders in military regiments?”

Grunting in agreement, Nile shifted his stance and nearly snorted.

"The goal was always mine, Smith; I had full confidence in myself to reach this stature. You, however, I'd always taken you as too modest to accept such a role. Guess you proved me wrong once again. Might not be the last time that happens, but I’ll continue to be surprised. Though, your reputation thus far has proceeded you, I suppose.”

"You thought little back then as I recall, Nile. I was always ambitious to chase after the goals I had set for myself and see the end results of my choices." Erwin retaliated, somewhat miffed now in tone.

“And I’m right more often and I’ve been wrong thus far, I must say.”

"Poor choices, I’d like to point out,"

Nile grumbled, shrugging his shoulders dismissively befofe then slapped a hand onto the taller man's shoulder.

"Either way; congratulations, old fiend. You’ve earned the title.”

"I appreciate that, thank you," Erwin hummed, clasping a hand onto the man's opposite shoulder once he’d eased up.

"My god, kill me now."

Chin now raised defiantly with a scoff barely contained, Nile peered down past Erwin's broad shoulder and nearly sneered.

"Ah, I hadn't seen you there; so short of stature and quiet as always. I suppose Erwin drug you along, Cadet Levi?”

"Captain, thank you. And yes," Levi scoffed, hiding little of his obvious distain as he finally stepped out from behind Erwin to face the MP.

Running a hand down his face, Erwin only sighed as what he’d feared was inevitable began to play out before him; of course Levi wouldn’t remain silent, and neither would Nile give up an opportunity to throw his weight around.

"Oh? Promoted already? I understand that takes time...Time you lack in the military. It’s been, what…A handful on months?”

Nile sneered back in mocking disbelief with arms crossed over his narrow chest.

"Well as I understand it, a rising in rank is usually determined by one's skill in a variety of fields. Though, where I'm from, that can be easily enough achieved through trade. Y'know; money, marking targets, giving and receiving sexual favors and the like. Which was it for you, Dok?" Levi mocked.

"Oh, you little shit stain," Nile jeered, once more shifting his weight from foot to foot to get down a little closer to Levi’s face.

"I'll have you know I earned my high status rank with proper time and skill, and the woman I sleep with. Have you either of those things, short stack?"

Before Levi could throw back something equally as, or potentially more vile, in retaliation, Erwin finally interjected.

"Bickering looks bad on us, regardless of our statuses as individuals. None of us need that attention, I’m sure. Perhaps we should get back onto the topic we came all this way to discuss; the trade agreement between our regiments...?"

Sniffing rather indignantly, Nile conceded and backed off. As did Levi; though the shorter man looked to be having trouble holding his tongue at the moment after such a comment thrown his way.

Releasing a heavy sigh, Nile motioned to the pair to follow after him as he turned on his heel and began walking away from the yard and back towards the way he’d came; into the MP’s Headquarters building.

"I suppose. Better to get it over with so I can get back to my wife.”

"How is Marie, by the way?"

Erwin's gaze snapped back to Nile the instant the word ‘wife’ left the man’s thin lips, nearly entirely forgetting his own previous peace-offering statement. Moving quickly, he made to follow along behind his peer now with rapt attention.

Nile was silent a moment as he meandered his way down hall after winding hall in search of his destination, pondering how best to respond to a comment he knew would eventually be made.

"...She's fine, Erwin. She's happy, and she's fine." Nile deadpanned at last, pausing to glare back at the blond man following behind so closely on his heels, before pushing open a nearby door leading to his personal office.

"Mmh...I'm glad to hear it. By chance, I wonder if I could visit her and the children again?"

Erwin tried again, attempting to sound more nonchalant this time as he pushed past the door Nile purposely failed to hold open for his company.

As the conversation made its way into the MP Commander's office, the air grew a tad more tense between the pair. With a weary sigh, Nile spun on his heel and rose a thin brow up at Erwin, who dared look bemused by. Rolling his eyes, Nile groaned and paced around the room towards his desk.

"I swear, if this is you tryna get friendly with my wife again, so help me-"

Nile, now bending to sit at his desk, pinched the bridge of his nose with annoyance.

"I would never dream of doing such a thing…directly to your face."

Erwin mumbled as he took his friend’s cue to sit and took a seat across the ornate desk from him.

"What, you fancy his wife or somethin'?"

Levi cut them both off, finally deciding to join the odd conversation. His previous look of irritation slowly turned to one of suspicion as entered the room last and glanced through narrowed eyes between the two Commanders.

"I dated her, for a time," Erwin replied wistfully as Levi begrudgingly took his cue to lean against the far wall of the office space with a weary sigh, likely expecting a rambled tale of sappy romance before the meeting officially began.

As such, he planned to keep his distance.

"She's a lovely woman, though sadly she chose another's hand-“

"You never dated her, Erwin. She merely just tolerated your continued advancements." Nile cut Erwin off as he continued on in an instant, rolling his eyes and slouching in his chair.

"'Tolerated' is a strong way to describe the many nights she came onto me..."

Erwin murmured, averting his gaze to stare out the windows behind Nile’s desk with a rather smug smirk tugging at his lips.

"You slept with my wife?!"

Nile suddenly barked, both hands gripping the sides of polished wood lining the armrests of his chair.

"...She wasn't dating you then, Nile."

Erwin huffed back immaturely.

Scoffing under his breath, Levi looked between the two men in turn, shaking his head in near disbelief.

"I take it back, Eyebrows. I don't hate these 'meetings' as much as I thought I would. Though I won’t say you’re right in stating this is a ‘privilege’.”

Forgetting his squabble with Erwin in an instant, Nile whipping his head Levi’s way, lips parted first in surprise, then clamped closed as he held his tongue. But after only a moment of contemplation, he couldn’t resist verbalizing his suspicions.

"...Did you just..."

Nile muttered, now staring directly Levi's way, who merely raised a brow in response.

"...Call him eyebrows?"

"Yeah, and? You seen them fuckers? They're like, 80% of his damn face."

Levi shrugged off the incredulous looks thrown his way from both Commanders. It was far from the first and would certainly not be the last time he found himself on the receiving end of their bewildered glares.

Nile was silent a moment, before letting slip a silent snicker that soon transformed into a rough, unbridled laugh.

"Holy shit, I haven't heard that nickname in years. We used to call him that in the training corps, you know. God, that takes me back." Nile guffawed loudly.

Surprisingly pleased for not being chewed out after such a crude assessment, Levi turned his head away to hide a nearly proud half-smirk to himself as Erwin started to grumble, glaring at both men on either side of his chair.

"I thought you were going to ‘stay formal, quiet, and invisible’ this time, Levi?…Christ, let’s just get back to discussing business."

“Alright, eyebrows, let’s get into it…”

Nile chuckled, picking up a file off his desk and jogging the papers up.

“Straight to business, as usual…”

“Weaponry, of course, is still distributed through both our divisions, yours first and ours secondary on the listings…But if that’s all there is for us to check over, I believe we can finally end this meeting soundly.”

Nile stretched his arms up over the back rest of his chair, groaning as several joints snapped in protest after two hours of discussion that’d left him sitting still so long.

“Actually, we…I, had a concern over our shipments of parchment last week.”

Erwin quickly looked up from a file folder in his lap, the sudden thought coming back to mind; subsequently waking Levi from a near-boredom slumber against the far wall where he’d remained for all two agonizing hours. Their voices droning on and on over the various regulations between the regiments had been reason enough, he though, to completely disregard their presence until they’d come to the end of their spiels.

“I understand parchment shipments reach the Military Police and Garrison first, but it seems the printing mill never sent the purchased crates our way, even a week after the order was requested.”

Levi heard Erwin continue on, finally paying attention.

Looking back up to Erwin, Nile looked a bit surprised.

“From the printing mill, here? She usually has orders complete and delivered on time…I’ll swing by and see what’s the hold up on those crates for you, if you’d like. I suppose I could be bothered.”

He murmured, slowly pushing his chair back to stand and instinctively peering out the window behind his desk over rows of rooftops lining the town below his office floor, as though staring down at the building in question despite the lack of visibility they had to the shop from such a height.

“There’s no need, unless you’d merely like to accompany us. It’s been too long since I’ve seen Ms. Y/N; I’d like to stop by myself.”

Erwin hummed, grimacing with a hand on his knee as he took a stand from his chair.

“Heh, I need to check on that bratty girl anyways, it’s been a week since my last visit; she’s stubbornly independent, as you know. Too much like her mother. I've been too busy lately…Either way, I’ll follow you down to her shop.”

Nile grunted as he turned to push his chair back into place, shrugging off Erwin’s proposal and instead presenting his own statement.

Seemingly accepting this, Erwin stood and tucked the folder he held under his arm. Then he made to grab a sheet of paper and a feathered quill from the MP’s desk; something Nile only grunted in acknowledgment to despite having not been asked for permission first, and watched as his friend scribbled out a couple lines of ink.

“That’s not necessary. The coachman knows the way to the printing mill, seeing as I visit there on occasion.”

Nile mused after a moment of silence filled only by the scratching of quill on rough paper, slinging on his Military Police’s uniform jacket.

“Regardless, I like to keep things professional by handing off a written note.”

Erwin hummed as he slipped the scrap of paper in his hand into his pocket once he’d set the quill down.

Nile and Levi nearly rolled their eyes in unison at the contradictory statement coming from the confident man.

“Right then, we’d better be off before noon. She usually takes her mid day break around now.”

Pausing just before the office’s door, Nile seemed to heavily contemplate something before turning to glance down at Levi from the corner of his eye, who remained still unmoving from his chosen spot along the wall.

Barely containing an annoyed sigh, Levi slowly met the Commander’s gaze with a brow sarcastically arched in question.

“I guess you aren’t so bad sometimes, little man.”

Nile spoke, then bumped the raven’s shoulder as he passed through the doorway, to which Levi scoffed and brought out a handkerchief from his pocket to wipe at invisible dirt along his jacket’s shoulder with a frown.

“I almost wish I could say the same, but the trouble that would put me through to even think it would be too much of a strain. And I’m not a fan of migraines.”

“Hah,”

Nile scoffed, pushing forward to take the lead in meandering back down the many halls heading back to the courtyard they’d entered through hours previous with Erwin right at his heels.

“I have a feeling you and Y/N will get along. She practically runs the printing mill a few blocks down, I figure you’ve gathered…She likes to belittle me with no actual point, too. It’s like a silly pastime for her.”

“A woman of class, then, I take it?”

Levi scoffed back in retaliation as he shuffled along at the back of the line leading out of the office, far enough back from the two Commanders to maintain space for himself; and to keep a weary watch over them.

“As if someone like you could know class.”

Nile shot a glare over his shoulder from the front, forgoing the notion of kindness he’d forced himself to show.

“And you do? I don’t imagine swine in the interior know class outside of stuffing themselves full of drink and exotic fruits. Or each other.”

Levi mumbled back irritably.

“Jesus Christ you two, just get to the cart. We can bicker later after we’re reached the printer’s. Bickering outside of the Military Police’s headquarters is not a good look for us.”

Erwin bristled, ever persistent on his moralities as he pushed past them both to reach the courtyard first, leaving them to catch up after his quickened gait.

“Like you ever cared about looks with those eyebrows of yours.”

Levi ‘tsk’ed under his breath, feeing the need to have the last word once more.

“Those damned things haven’t been shaped since his earliest cadet years. And even then that one time, it was forced upon him.”

Nike murmured back in begrudging agreement, managing to land himself at Levi’s side as they made to catch up with the Scouting Commander.

“I’d believe he was forced,”

Levi grunted, making haste to walk faster than the taller man, who seemed to have a similar goal in mind.

“He was herded into the girl's dorm within the first week to ‘fix’ those damned things. Poor man’s clueless on appearances. You two have more in common than you’d think, thug.”

Nile huffed as his strides quickly outpaced Levi’s.

“Please; I have style enough for my own standards, Dok. Style enough for the three of us combined.”

In no time Levi and Nile had caught up with Erwin, who kept his back facing their way while they continued their murmured bickering.

Clearing his throat, though it sounded suspiciously like a string of curses under his breath, Erwin raised a bushy brow as though reprimanding his companions as they continued to bicker in the courtyard.

Unamused, Levi and Nile came to a halt at his back. Collecting himself with a grimace, Erwin reached into his jacket as he turned to address the coachman of their cart, who’d stayed parked along the curb the duration of their stay.

“The printing mill, please. We need to make a stop there,”

Erwin spoke to the coachman, withdrawing the scrap of paper and handing it out for him to take.

Reaching out, the coachman took the paper with the address scrawled onto its smooth surface from Erwin’s outstretched hand and sighed.

“Of course, sir.” He nodded, stuffing the paper he’d only half glanced at into his breast pocket before picking back up the reigns settled in his lap.

Though less than thrilled to be pulling a cart with the two Commanders he knew well to be eccentric in their own ways, and the grumpy Captain he’d met a few times before, the man readied the cart for departure.

Once they’d clambered all into the carriage and chose their own seats, several spaces apart from one another, there was silence at last in their group.

The cart creaked into motion, slowly picking up speed as they rumbled down the road.

And silent their journey remained, only until the coachman brought them to a stop on the corner of an old street facing a quaint, smooth brick building just right past the sidewalk.

Glancing over the painted wooden door facing the front of the street and the ornate shudders lining across clearly polished windows, Levi heaved a sigh.

Yet another errand to endure…

“Remember, gentlemen,” Erwin cleared his throat and adjusted the polished bolo tie around his neck.

“We will be in the presence of a young woman who doesn’t deserve to hear us quarreling. Levi; composure this time. Nile, set a good example for the girl?”

“Jesus Erwin, I’ve been a good enough influence thus far. Y/N will be fine.” Nile grumbled, scooting his way awkwardly to the carriage door nearest his seat.

“Yeah yeah…Let’s get this over with,” Levi grumbled in response, rolling his eyes and rather easily slipping out of the carriage before Nile.

Heaving a sigh, Erwin departed last and once again thanked the coachman, who stiffly nodded in respect, before heading right up the curb towards the printing mill’s door.

𝓐/𝓝~ Am I starting a new fic series before finishing my first one? Yes. Do I feel the guilt? Yes. Sorry, had to be done :/ This fic idea has been stuck in my head since September, so it must be shared. “The Rose” will still continue to update once I get back into the swing of it!

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loveandpeaceanddoughnuts · 3 months ago

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For my insomniac: Erwin Smith x Reader [Ch. 3]

(Ch. 1-2 here) Erwin keeps vigil at your bedside as you fight through vivid nightmares in the infirmary and tries to keep you safe in the waking world. The feelings rising in you both are growing too strong to ignore, and too dangerous to admit.

an: ongoing fic originally posted on ao3! // cw: canon-typical violence/gore/horror

Your maneuver gear is dead weight, the last of the gas used up in a pathetic little puff that sent you hurtling toward the ground. You were always bad at gauging what you had left, and right now you don’t have the luxury of mourning the loss. You hit the ground hard, a wet snap somewhere below your waist. Another thing you can’t afford to care about right now.

You drag yourself to the relative safety of a stand of trees, sliding your blades out with a grating schhhck before shrugging off the rest of the gear. Your body is on fire, only the deepest of impulses still pulsing in your brain, to survive survive survive. You can feel the incoming titans before you see them, the ground shaking under their mindless steps. There are too many. There are always too many.

Your frantic eyes land on a smear of blood in the clearing to your left, following it to the pile of steaming viscera that was once your comrade. You bend double and dry heave until acid trickles past your lips, coating your teeth. You don’t have time for this. There is never enough time.

You force your eyes back up to scan the area, searching for any signs of life. You can’t be the last one left alive, you can’t be alone out here- there. A human figure is lying face-down in the clearing. You run for them, momentarily forgetting the titans as you flee the shelter of the trees. Lightning bolts of pain spike up your leg from whatever you broke in your fall, but you ignore it. Getting out of here with most of your limbs intact would be a blessing.

“Hey! HEY!” You shout and wave your arms frantically as you run, stumbling and picking yourself back up over and over until your good leg gives out. But you have to keep moving. You claw yourself forward over the battleground, your splintering nails a drop of discomfort in the agony that has become your body. You can see now that the figure is clad in a shredded Scout jacket, the wings of freedom in tatters on their twisted shoulders. As you near them, you’re hit with the overwhelming smell of rot: sun-baked decay and hot metal blood.

Your stomach seizes again when you see the shock of blonde hair, recognizable even through the layers of matted dirt. “Commander?” The words tear through your throat but leave your lips as a strangled whisper, a fist squeezing your lungs. “Commander! Can you hear me?” You try to flip him over, desperate to see his face.

His body moves much too easily, light as kindling. A cloud of flies engulfs you as you turn him, disturbed from their resting place in the slick pool of Erwin’s blood. You look around wildly for someone, anyone else to help, to witness this, but you’re alone. The corpses of your comrades litter the field like stones. Your eyes skip over his body each time you try to look, your mind fighting to protect you. You force yourself to stare down, to see him- and immediately turn and retch into the dirt.

Erwin is gone. Most of Erwin is gone, that is. His face is somehow intact, but everything below his shoulders is a sickening smear of torn flesh and open wounds. Turning him over seems to have disturbed whatever trick of gravity had managed to hold him together. The ropy pink of intestines slop over his abdomen, and you wonder hysterically if you could push it all back in, put him back together.

You drag your gaze back to his face, your mind going blank in an effort to keep you sane. You’re staring at him, shock-numb and frozen, when his eyes open. “Erwin…? Commander!” You lean over him, heart racing. “I’m here, I’m here. I’ll get you out of here…” Again, your voice is squeezed and warped on its way out of your mouth. Your reassurance twists into a ragged groan, an inhuman noise.

The Commander’s feverish eyes lock on you, their sky blue clouded with mists of blood. His features distort into a mask of absolute horror. You watch in shock as he tries to scrabble upright with a pulpy mess of limbs that are no longer there, flinging himself backward in an attempt to get away from you. Utter terror propels his broken body, and he makes it a few feet before you reach out, trying to soothe him, to stop your Commander from smearing his own cooling corpse across the battlefield.

A titan’s hand reaches for Erwin, coming from behind you. You spin around, readying your blades, but there’s nothing there. You whirl back to him, increasingly panicked, incoherent pleas spilling out. “Please, Commander, calm down, we have to get you out of here, I’ll stop them, I swear, just stop fighting…”

The huge hand stretches out once more, almost as if it were trying to stroke his cheek. Erwin screams, and you wish that you had died before you had to hear the sound. He’s reaching blindly with the fingers he has left for blades that aren’t there, ready to die fighting. You move to cover your mouth, to hold in the scream that’s building. The massive hand of a titan swings up and presses over your lips. Your hand.

No, no, no, this can’t be- you squeeze your eyes shut and suck in a breath, then look back down at your hands. The huge, obscene hands of a titan. You look back to Erwin, propped on his elbows now and staring at you with searing hate, panting through the foamy blood at his lips.

“Erwin…” your whisper dissipates. Your voice is forgotten. You raise your ODM sword, the ultrahard steel glinting dully in the vast expanse of your grip. “Have mercy,” you can’t say. “Forgive me,” you can’t think. You reach back and slash the blade across the nape of your neck, falling forward, the Commander’s name a prayer that flashes across the last synapse of your dying brain.

You bolt awake with a strangled scream. Oxygen pours into your lungs, your hands flung out in front of you, somehow still responding to your severed spinal cord- no, not severed. Your hands are your own, raw-bitten nail beds and old scars. Nausea floods over you and you hang over the edge of the cot- an infirmary cot, you’re in the barracks?- to vomit your empty stomach into a bucket.

A strong hand is at your back, another holding back your hair as you gag. The contact makes you shudder, whip around defensively, teeth bared for a fight, but the adrenaline leaves you in a rush as you see the Commander. He’s pale, but the fear in his eyes is for you, not of you.

“You’re safe. You’re safe,” he rumbles, his hand squeezing yours. All you can see when you look up at him is the vision of his torn body on the battlefield, his corpse trying to escape you, the blood, the gore… you shudder, tears spilling over your lashes.

“Erwin… Commander!” You’re fully back to yourself now, horrified that you whispered his first name. The guilt mixes with your relief to be back in reality.

The Commander doesn’t reprimand you. His eyes, blessedly clear of blood, remain on you as you stare at your entwined hands, confusion and exhaustion written across your face. His heart is pounding madly in his chest, the sound of you whispering his name echoing in his ears, though he doesn’t show it. He stays quiet for a moment, letting you get your bearings as he grounds himself.

He finally speaks, his voice low and steady. “You had a nightmare, Captain. I tried to wake you,” he swallows and looks away, his hand squeezing yours. “You were calling for me.”

You move to pull your hand away, trying to distance yourself from the impropriety. “Please forgive my boldness, sir.” Erwin’s grip tightens, refusing to let you go.

“Forgive you?” He echoes. “You have nothing to be sorry for. You were dreaming, in pain, disoriented. Do not apologize.” There’s no anger in his gaze, just concern and something softer. He speaks slowly, choosing his words with care. “Captain, I am aware that you have not been sleeping. I had my suspicions based on your recent performance, but the medic informed me that you are severely deprived. Is this why? Do you often have these dreams?”

Your face crumpled, the weight of keeping the secret suddenly gone. “Yes,” you whisper bitterly. “Every night, sir. There are some differences, but the horror of it- that’s always the same. Sometimes I’d rather stay awake than face it, weak as that makes me.”

Erwin nodded. “I understand. And it doesn’t make you weak.” His voice is firm. “You aren’t the only soldier that fights this battle, Captain.” You look up at him, glassy-eyed.

“...sir?”

His tone is gentle, but his words sting. “Do you imagine you are the only person in this regiment with nightmares? The only one with memories pushed so far down that they surface the moment sleep strips your defenses? That you’re the only one who sees them?”

You squeeze your eyes shut in a vain attempt to hide the faces of the Scouts lost on your last mission, conjured by his words. “No, sir.” His thumb traces patterns on the back of your hand.

“You can’t shoulder this alone, Captain. You owe your soldiers more than that. You owe yourself more than that. I…” he catches himself and looks down, uncharacteristic conflict on his face. “The Scouts. We need you.”

Your breath catches, not just from your fractured ribs. “Yes, sir.”

Erwin nods firmly and stands up, suddenly all business again. “It seems the medication caused you to sleep, but the nightmare kept you from truly resting. I will speak to the medic about alternative treatment.” He slides his hand out of yours without comment, but you see a shiver run across his broad shoulders.

“Thank you, sir. I appreciate your concern.” You try your best to match his professionalism, still reeling from the moment of vulnerability. You have the fleeting, wild desire to make him stay, but can’t think of anything to justify it. He’s wasted enough time with you.

The Commander inclines his head to you and straightens his jacket as he prepares to leave. He’s halfway to the door when he says over his shoulder, “Don’t forget what we have spoken about, Captain. I wish you a speedy recovery.” Then he’s gone.

Erwin strides out of the infirmary, keeping his face perfectly composed until he’s safely behind the door of his quarters. As soon as the door is shut and locked, he presses his forehead against the thick wood. “Goddamn it.” That was a mistake. He should have waited to see you, let the medic handle your recovery and send another officer to check on you a week from now. Anything but spend hours at your bedside, holding your hand, watching you breathe. He closed his eyes, but still saw you lying on the cot, tossing in your sleep. Still heard the sound of his first name on your lips, your sweet voice pleading for him, ragged in fear.

A dull headache settled at the base of his skull. How long had it been since he had stooped so low? Had shown such weakness in front of a subordinate? Whatever it was, it had to stop here. It was far too dangerous to feel what he was feeling for you, this soft-edged burn in his chest.

Three days passed in relative peace. There were no casualties from the missions currently outside the walls, and the soldiers within the barracks were civil and productive. Erwin was kept busy with his usual duties, but while his body was occupied his mind was filled with thoughts of you. He badly wanted to check on your recovery, but was afraid to encourage what was blossoming inside of him to grow.

For your part, you had been largely dead to the world. A fever had taken hold of your sleep-deprived body, leaving you indefinitely confined to the infirmary. You were almost grateful for the illness in your lucid moments, able to push away the mess of thoughts and feelings that your last encounter with the Commander had brought about. The longer you languished in your cot, the more fuzzy-edged the memory of his hand in yours became. Had you imagined it all? A fever-dream?

But you couldn’t have dreamed up the way the memory made your heart race. The way the thought of his steel-blue eyes made your vague, ever-present nausea coalesce into butterflies. Your nightmares used to cycle through the many faces of your comrades each night, the same plot reenacted with different victims. Since your encounter with Erwin, however, the broken figure on the battlefield was always him . He was always the victim of your monstrosity, and you didn’t dare to dwell on what that meant.

Erwin had been immediately informed of your condition. Though he was determined to keep his distance, he had ordered the medic to send him regular updates, and was anxiously waiting to hear that your fever had broken. He was signing death notices in his office when a soldier ran in, breathless with news.

“Commander, the Captain is delirious and combative. The medic is requesting your immediate intervention. They can’t handle her, sir.” Erwin is already out the door, the soldier trotting at his side to keep up.

“Have they administered the medication we discussed? Something non-sedating for sleep?”

The soldier shook his head, looking scared to answer. “N-no, sir. I heard them say she was too unstable for it.”

Erwin swore under his breath. “Understood. You’re dismissed.” The soldier gratefully ran in the other direction of the Commander’s war path. Erwin stormed into your infirmary room, clenching his jaw as he absorbed the scene of overturned furniture and strewn bedding.

You were struggling against the medic who was manhandling you into bed, all flailing limbs and teeth. They had a syringe aimed at the inside of your left arm and slammed the plunger down just as Erwin made it to your side. The medic stepped back, unapologetic as they met the Commander’s fury. “They were out of control, sir.”

“It’s your job to handle that, is it not?”

“My job is to run this infirmary and patch up your soldiers, sir. I can’t do either with your Captain trying to kill me and my team.” Erwin clenched his fists but gave a curt nod.

“I see. Please excuse us.” The medic silently left the room.

The Commander’s figure swam in and out of focus, backlit in a halo of candlelight as you stared up at him woozily. You smiled softly, not recognizing him through the fever-fog.

“You’re so beautiful. Are you an angel?” You reach up to cup his cheek in one clammy palm. “Am I dying?”

The angel trembles, his calloused hand gently prying yours away. “Captain. You’re sick, but you’re not dying. I won’t let you.”

You try to sit up, reaching for him again, but your body fails you. You collapse against the bed, gasping at the pain that knifes through your chest. The angel leans forward, pressing against your shoulder in an attempt to keep you still. “Try not to move. That’s an order.”

The sound of the grim directive allows your brain to name the angel, a flash of duty-bound recognition. “Commander…” You look up at him in awe, only coherent enough for the truth. “I’m so tired. It hurts.”

“I know,” he murmurs. “I’m sorry.” He brushes sweat-soaked hair off your forehead with the back of his hand, the other still holding your shoulder firm. “I told you that I wouldn’t let them sedate you again, and I failed.”

Your chest aches at the look on his face, and you offer what you hope is a reassuring smile. “It’s okay. I feel all warm and floaty.” You try to remember what could be wrong with the fuzzy-headed medicine, and frown. “But I can’t sleep. If I sleep I’ll have bad dreams…”

“I know,” Erwin says again. He stares down at you, the fever blushing your hollow cheeks as you meet his gaze with heartbreaking trust. He steps back, the weight of your faith in him suddenly crushing.

Your eyelids start to close against your will. You’re too weak to resist. All you can do is keep your eyes on your Commander as you’re pulled under, trying to carry the image of his unbroken body into the nightmare that awaits you.

#erwin x reader #erwin smith #erwin aot #aot erwin #ao3 #attack on titan #snk #aot #aot x reader #commander erwin

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