#cavlary

[barbucomedie]

Captain's Uniform of the Chevauxleger Regiment No. 6 from the Austrian Empire dated from 1848 on display at the Heeresgeschichtliches Museum in Vienna, Austria

Photographs taken by myself 2022

[tallmadgeandtea]

Turn Week 2023:

If I Could Change One Thing

Turn Week 2023 is already over! This week has flown by, and I hope everyone who participated had a wonderful time. I appreciate all the love on my first Dragoons post- and yes, I'm back with another one. This time, I am not sorry.

Tallmadge vs Tarleton

As I mentioned in my last post, after the Philadelphia Campaign ended, Major Benjamin Tallmadge and his 2nd Dragoons stayed up north, while other cavalry regiments went to fight in the Southern Campaign- where they arguably had most of their combat experience. Why did Tallmadge stay up north? Two reasons are that the dragoons were still needed for scouting and raiding the British forces in strongholds like New York- keeping the Hudson River in Patriot hands- and that by now, he was General Washington's spymaster for the Culper Ring in Long Island and New York City.

But that doesn't mean that Tallmadge didn't have his saber drawn in battles or skirmishes.

On July 2, 1779, Tallmadge and the 2nd Dragoons were camped in Pound Ridge, New York. They were suddenly ambushed by "two hundred British and loyalist cavalry." Although the 2nd Dragoons had strengthened forces thanks to Washington sending Moylan's 4th Dragoons, the British received a letter saying so. Leading the charge was Lieutenant-Colonel Banastre Tarleton, a British dragoon who would eventually become one of the most famous cavalrymen of the Revolution. Before 1779 and the Southern campaigns, one of his known escapades included being present at the capture of General Charles Lee.

Tallmadge and Tarleton's forces fought each other in front of the Presbyterian Meeting House during the Battle of Poundridge, going from on horseback to fighting on foot. When Tarleton's men and the 17th Dragoons entered the fray, it was clear that Tallmadge and Colonel Sheldon's 2nd Dragoons would not win the day. They retreated with the British pursuing them.

Along with his victory, Tarleton now had the 2nd Dragoon's regimental flag. But, especially unfortunate for Tallmadge, there were a "dozen causalities," and a dozen horses taken. One of these horses belonged to Tallmadge himself. Like any cavalryman, he kept his essentials in his saddlebags. Now they were in the enemy's hands. In those bags were, according to author Alexander Rose (doesn't that name sound familiar?) "twenty guineas" from Washington to Abe Woodhull as payment for his spying, and intelligence papers related to the ring.

How does this relate to Turn?

Season three of Turn takes place between 1778-1780. During this season, they did include the Battle of Stony Point- important in its own right- but why would they not include something that involves not only losing a battle, but information about the ring being stolen from Benjamin?

I think that instead of filling up screentime with the, frankly, at this point, ridiculous Robert Rogers and Abe doing what the hell they did plotline, they could've included the Battle of Poundridge. Could you imagine Benjamin's reaction to losing his horse and intelligence? And if they wanted to show Washington losing faith in the ring, wouldn't this be a good example? Instead, we had Robert Rogers and Abe running around in his little rat hole.

Also, if they wanted to use historical figures like Hamilton and Martha Washington to boost ratings and be like "please give us a fourth season," Banastre Tarleton is a pretty popular guy. Just saying.

And, lastly, you're probably like, "Amanda, are you saying that you, Benjamin Tallmadge's PR manager, want to see him get his ass beat?!" Yes. Yes, I do.

Further Reading:

Cavalry of the American Revolution - Jim Piecuch - Westholme Publishing (Cavlary Action at Poundridge, New York by John M. Hutchins.)

Tarleton: Before He Became "Bloody Ban" - Journal of the American Revolution (allthingsliberty.com)

Washington's Spies: The Story of America's First Spy Ring by Alexander Rose, Paperback | Barnes & Noble® (barnesandnoble.com)

Memoir of Col. Benjamin Tallmadge : Tallmadge, Benjamin, 1754-1835 : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive

[watcher-servant]

Counter guardian ARC final classification.

Due to rethinking this, I decided to change his servant class. This time, I just put it down to 3 choices. Now, if you're wondering why I didn't put the regular knight and cavlary classes, it is due to him not fitting entirely in them. Also, i put a video to give a quick summary of the pretender.

[aleksanderthemesschild]

Cavlary (left) and vampir (right)

[ofcivilwar]

This is the muse list, more will be added along with links to complete bios once this blog is more structured.

Loyalist States (U.S)

Tyler Barber (2nd Battalion, 7th Marines) FC: Alan Ritchson

Ella Hudson (101st Airborne Division) FC: Florence Pugh

New People's Army (NPA)

Carson Mack (1st Mountain Division) FC: Henry Cavill

Western Forces (WF)

Danica Knox (2nd Cavlary) FC: Angela Bassett

Juvan Miller (504th Infantry Division) FC: Anthony Mackie

Vicky Quill (1st armored division) FC: Jennifer Landon

Florida Alliance (FA)

Raylan King (120nd Militia Division) FC: Omari Hardwick

Gabriel Vasquez (1st Recon Division) FC: Pedro Pascal

[inyvat]

«Sometimes I wonder if we're the only thing standing between this world and its destruction».

unprompted asks | always accepting

"Well then, we'll just have to find more people who share our mindset won't we, Kaeya?" she asked him, smiling softly. "I want this world to thrive and not be at the hands of those who would destroy it." Something wasn't right with Celestia. That much she knew as she turned and looked to Dragonspine. A giant NAIL floated above the ruined ancient nation. That's what she had likened the thing at the summit to. A nail. And someone or something had to throw it down in order to destroy that place.

And there was Watatsumi's deceased deity Orobashi. He had found something and had been killed for it by Ei, probably at the behest of Celestia. What had he found? And why was he killed?

But then there was also her brother and the Abyss Order. His goal was nothing more than resurrection at the cost of genocide. She had to stop him. And stop the Tsaritsa as well. What she was doing, trying to conquer the other nations and STEAL their gnoses instead of just ASKING for help.... it was wrong.

"Kaeya, my favorite one and only Cavlary Captain, when do you have time for yourself? I think you'll be interested in the tale I need to tell you. I know Paimon and the Dendro Archon are also curious as to how this tale will end, but I think you need to hear the beginning of it at least."

@frozenambiguity

[watcher-servant]

Nine Tailed Honor

Jaune x Tamamo no mae

It's fox mating season, and the rusted knight was hunted like prey. Unfortunately, pretender servants are weak to the cavlary class, and his skills can only let him dodge for so long...now it's up to his endurance.

Name Your Ship

[jamovitz]

Mongolian Cavlary  Frontline / DeAgostini

[constanttea]

I’m just waiting for the Caesar to my Commius Atrebas guys

[deathafter-noon]

Lover - Kaeya Drabble

wc: 300+.

tags: masc reader, fluff, established relationship.

a/n: i was listening to the first dance version of lover by taylor swift on loop when i wrote this. it shows.

Taylor Swift's lover reminds me of Kaeya.

Sitting with him, your callused fingers tracing light circles on the back of his palm. Watching as he melts in your touch, his eyes full of that loving light you’ve grown accustomed to. Standing up to dance, because this is our song and he can't help but sweep you up in his arms. As lovers do.

You trace the simple box-step across the wooden floors of the knight's headquarters. His strong grip on your shoulder, your lazy hand trailing from his waist to the small of his back, pulling him a heartbeat closer. You lead, of course, gentlemanly, graceful. And the blue haired knight can’t help but notice, can’t help but love you. How could he? His handsome lover, the magnetic force you are.

He’s the handsome cavlary captain, you, the grinning honorary knight. He’s adored by everyone in mondstadt, the charming knight in shining silvers and ice blues. You’re much less famed, and yet he looks at you like you’re a god amongst men. He’s your lover, and you his. You dip him, despite his height, and he falls like water, your hand steady on his waist. Low as you can go, you lean in to meet your lips to his, falling, like lovers.

You love him, and you whisper as much into his ear, leaning down to reach him. He doesn’t rise from your grip, instead pulling you both crashing onto the floor. So much for dipping him. He murmurs the same into your hair, and all is well. Your scarred fingers lace through his blue locks, his cool grip firm on your waist. Your hands return to tracing those lazed circles, running down his arms, his back, his shoulders.  

This. This is what lovers are. Silent but smiling, every second between you full of bursting feeling. Close, together. Entwined. 

You’re mine, you whisper. My lover.

[inyvat]

Lumine smiled at Venti's statement. "I know and I think of you all the time when I feel the wind." It was true, she'd thought about him often when the wind blew, wondering how he was doing, if he could see her, wishing he was right there with her to help her. He was a very special person to her regardless of his assumed identity as 'just a bard'. Out of all the Archons she knew, she was closest to Venti and Nahida. And she loved Venti very much.

She nodded, "Yes I do indeed. You are right about that. Though, that's not even the half of it. Once I was out of the desert, I met a certain Cavlary Captain in Port Ormos and then my contact for what happened 500 years ago showed up. We chatted a bit, all three of us, and our dearest Captain had to leave for some business." Venti would know of the other part of her quest to find her brother. He knew what she was talking about.

"That just left my contact, myself and Paimon to talk amongst ourselves. We eventually went to the Avidiya Forest where I saw — no experienced a memory long held within the ley lines. I'd estimate anywhere between a few years to at least 100 years after what happened… Venti… it… the memory… it was my brother's." she whispered, clearly not okay.

"I saw things… did things…HEARD things… as though I were my brother." And then came Windblume and Cyno and Tighnari and Collei. "After that I returned for Windblume… I'm still not quite understanding what all happened to him back then. I wish I knew what my big brother was thinking…"

a shy scratch of the head was given as the other compliments him; venti wasn't one used to being told he was good in any aspect ( the prayers from his followers as barbatos don't necessarily count ). so it was nice to hear he was doing somewhat of a good job every now and then, truly made him feel like he was contributing to more than he initially thought.

' well, you should know that every time the wind brushes against your cheek, it's me watching over you. '

little did lumine know that venti would check up on her every now and then when he had the chance. he worried for her, so it would be obvious he'd use his powers to see what she was up to. but it was always nice to see her around in the flesh when they both had the free time to do so.

the bard then turned his attention to the wine he hadn't immediately downed the moment he received it. while listening to the other speak, he would shake his head to let her know he was paying attention as he uncorked the bottle before giving it a sniff — taking in that sweet scent of his most favorite wine.

before taking a sip, however, he looked at the blonde with a concerned pout; hearing such hardships befall her pulled his heart strings, and it made his wish he could always be around to protect her. alas, such is not the case, and he knew he had to let her go do her own things or else she would never learn to survive. still, it didn't change the fact that he worried for her.

' i'm glad you were able to make it out of that with your sanity in place . . . ' his voice was soft but stern. ' . . . good thing you were able to visit mondstadt afterwards. you deserve a well-rested break after all that, sheesh. '

[kachuuyaa]

(Same anon that did the detective reader, and the law and medicine ramble, can I be the 🐗 anon please? I think it would be easier, thank you!)

Ignoring the horrible forensic and medical ethics and malpractice here (I guess it's unfair to really say they suck when they're very divergent from our reality) I would say the way the Knights are arranged is,,not horrible, but stressful, I guess?

Because of what we've seen, Jean and Kaeya (and Lisa, who probably does advise them) are basically the ones calling shots on what should be the next course of action, as far as we've seen in game. It's an understatement to say that both Kaeya and Jean are very smart and capable of taking care of mondstat from harm, however I think the idea of 2 people being the only ones to make complex plans and decisions puts a lot of stress on them, and makes the Knights of Favonius easy to crumble if you remove both the Cavlary Captain and the Acting Grand Master.

I know the game mostly focuses on the characters and traveller and not the way the organizations work, so I can only assume that MHY would have us assume that the organizations are both sufficient without being completely dependent on their bosses, and have their own complex way of fighting crime and such. (Although DNH Diluc makes the crime rate drop by kicking ass anyways)

Anyways, speaking of crime and such, one anon mentioned psychology and now im imagining how a clinical psychologist/criminal psychologist! Reader would fair in the Genshin world.

Considering our introduction to Kaeya at the beginning, it seems like he is in in charge of/involved in dealing with any crime in mondstat.

I think if Reader and Kaeya could get along they'd be a great duo, considering how reader's experience and knowledge on the human mind would work hand in hand with Kaeya's ability to manipulate and interrogate. Psychology, whether in field or clinical, with the ability to read a person through the way they speak, their body language, and behaviours would play a major role in eliciting information.

What reader can't do because they are bound by their professional and ethical rules, Kaeya would have no qualms doing, and what Kaeya can't decipher from another person's attitude and behaviour can be solved through reader's lenses.

Aka a dynamic duo

(I'm having simp thoughts today leave me alone gmnggnng)

hi 🐗 anon, welcome!!

i ... i do not know what 2 say.. ur ramblings n talking got me all interested bc it’s so very entertaining...

im saying this in a readers standpoint this is genuinely very cool ...

But also, i agree w you, criminal psychologist reader would probably work well w kaeya given his position + his methods in doing so can combine well w reader’s (HELP IS THIS RIGHT?)

[thefingerfuckingfemalefury]

Let’s Watch Movies! With Samantha and her Girlfriend :D

And this week

We’re watching a DC film starring a League of heroes brought together for Justice

A League with fantastic powers that they must use to Save The World!

I speak of course

Of League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

What else could I have meant >.>

Our movie begins with...LOGOS!

Me: 20th Century fox rusted!

My Girlfriend: They are going to have to pay a fortune to replace that logo

Me: Its why they sold it to Disney

At an ominous docks, evil is afoot... as we get a text scrawl

Me: Do you remember how people were hella excited for this film when it came out?

My Girlfriend: Even ALAN MOORE was excited

Me: This was before he became more Angry Wizard than Man

Twisted and Evil

My Girlfriend: And then we went to see it and just...what

WHAT

Me: I feel like tis text crawl was an early warning "Get out now"

My Girlfriend: In Star Wars the text crawls make sense because its giving us a FICTIONAL

history of a made up universe...this is just like "By the way years ago things happened"

"For hundreds of years wars have been fought with the same weapons...single shot rifles, cavlary and horse drawn canon"

Me: Yep, horse drawn canons and rifles were invented at pretty much the same time

My Girlfriend: That sounds legit

"But the century is soon to end"

Me: "Because that is how time works"

My Girlfriend: "Fuck you True Detective, it is not a flat circle"

As a police offier makes his way down a Ye Olde Cobbled Streete, there is a strange rumbling that alarms him and his fellow officer

Me: COR BLIMEY

My Girlfriend: WHAT'S ALL THIS THEN

The officers just kind of run around

My Girlfriend: "Would help if we knew what we were running toward"

Me: OR AWAY FROM

And we get the title on the screen as some doggos run onto the scene

My Girlfriend: Wait I'm confused are the dogs the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

Me: That might have been more accurate to the comics

My Girlfriend: Couldn't have been WORSE

Me: LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY DOGGOS

"Bleedin rat bags wots got into 'em?"

Me: "BLOODY BANG OUT OF ORDER IT IS"

My Girlfriend: "THERE AVIN A LARF"

A giant metal vehicle crashes onto the scene as one of the officers wonders what that is...

Me: "ITS ONE OF THOSE HORSELESS CARRIAGES WE'VE EARD ABOUT!"

My Girlfriend: "WITCHCRAFT! QUICK, BURN THOMAS EDISON!"

The officer walks towards it ordering it to halt

Me: "UR NICKED ME OLD BEAUTY"

My Girlfriend: "Your under arrest for the crime of bein a tank!"

The officer repeatedly tells it to halt but it just keeps on driving

Me: This is how we can tell the villain is evil...he refuses to follow road safety laws

My Girlfriend: Also he killed that guy

Me: Also that yes

Yep it just steamrolls right over the luckless officer....

My Girlfriend: "Don't worry! I saw Roger Rabbit once and Judge Doom was fine after this happened to him!"

Me: Whats tragic is that officer had just three days left until retirement...

The tank barrels into the Bank of England which for some reason has soldiers in it?????

And they start shooting at it?????

Me: Okay so...I don't know if the writers of this film knew...basically anything...about england...but even most cops don't carry guns over here...so a platoon of ARMED SOLDIERS just...chilling out in a bank...seems unlikely

My Girlfriend: How dare you suggest this was not a rigorously researched period drama piece

Me: Terrible of me I know..

The tank continues to demolish the place...

Me: And this bank had just three days left until retirement....

My Girlfriend Okay stop that...

A group of soldiers speaking german???? disembark....

My Girlfriend: "VE HAVE VAYS OF MAKINK THE AUDIENCE TELL VE ARE THE VILLAINS"

And their leader also steps out with our VERY FIRST SHOT of him in the film being him holding a cane with a Silver Skull as its head

Me: Okay see I just can't tell WHO ARE THE BAD GUYS in this movie...I wish that these movies would stop being so vague with their moral shades of grey and give us some idea of who we should be rooting against

My Girlfriend: Its a real puzzler alright but I'm going to suggest that the man with the skull cane and the henchmen who speak like Herr Flick from Allo Allo might be the villain of the piece

Me: But are we just judging a book by the cover?

Maybe he's just a goth with a limp

Our films villain tells his henchmen to leave one alive to tell the tale and kill the rest

Me: "Do it like the Natural Born Killers you are"

They get to robbing the bank while the villain focuses on some sketches declaring that some of the banks "Treasures" are "Worth more than others"

Me: "This is some original Rob Liefield artwork!

Wizard Magazine promises me that this is going to double in value in my lifetime!"

My Girlfriend: THAT POOR DELUDED MAN

A montage of newspapers first informs us that "Britain accuses German army of Bank Theft"

My Girlfriend: "Well, Nigel Farage does anyway"

"Germany's newest weapon?"

Me: So the plot of this film is the heroes trying to keep Britain out of war with Germany...while proving that Germany would never commit a terrible crime....

I

I have some bad news for them on both those fronts, honestly

My Girlfriend: "Germany, capable of war crimes? SHOCKING"

Meanwhile in Berlin a factory is under attack...but whats this? This time the soldiers are speaking ENGLISH!

Me: Its kind of depressing to think that the Fantom didn't really need to go to all the trouble of a false flag operation...if he'd just sat back and waited a decade or so peoples own monstrous capacity for evil would have started not one but two world wars without him doing anything...

My Girlfriend: That's a little heavy for a riff babe

Me: POUR ME MORE WINE

The Fantom is brought a terrified scientist....

Me: We can tell he's a scientist because he's dressed like no scientist outside of hollywood movies has ever dressed

My Girlfriend: HELPFUL

"What do you want?"

"THE WOOOOORRRLLLLDDDD"

Me: "AND FOR PEOPLE TO STOP COMPARING ME TO COBRA COMMMAAANNNDDDEEEEERRRRRR"

My Girlfriend: A weirdo in a silver mask with an armoured terrorist group who travel in ridiculous vehicles trying to start a war for profit?

Clearly he’s nothing like Cobra Commander

Me: "NOW FOLLOW MY ORRDDEERRRRSSSSSSSS"

Someone tosses him a rocket launcher and the scientist loses his shit

Scientist: (In German) Are you crazy?! This place is full of hydrogen gas!

Fantom: (In English) Really? That's so frightening!

Me: HE CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU

My Girlfriend: If your going to quip at him you should probably speak german...which we know you can speak because you were in the last scene

The Fantom blows up all the blimps

My Girlfriend: OH THE HUMANITY

Me: BABE TOO SOON

Everything blows the fuck up....

Me: Its a good thing those blimps are falling in slow motion

My Girlfriend: And that their causing no real structural damage

Me: Fire doesn't even seem to be spreading...

Kenya, 1899

Me: MEANWHILE, THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY

My Girlfriend: I Got That Reference

A british fellow has just arrived...

Me: You can tell he's british because he's wearing a suit and a bowler hat

My Girlfriend: Any second now he's going to pull a cricket bat out of his luggage

Me: Or a tea kettle

Wandering into the hotel he's greeted by a butler...

My Girlfriend: The only black man in the entire movie, ladies and gentlemen

Me: Don't worry though we get a grand total of one other non-white character in the films cast later...he even gets a name!

My Girlfriend: That Hollywood and its progressive agenda...giving us two characters who aren't white people in the same film...

Me: POLITICAL CORRECTNESS RUN AMUCK

The British Man makes his way through the hotel to Quatermain as people with questionable facial hair watch him

Me: HARUMPH! HARUMPH HARUMPH!

My Girlfriend: HARUMPH! HARUMPH? HARUMPH!?!

"Do I have the impression of addressing Allan Quatermain?"

(Fake Quatermain) "You do sir! Indeed you do!"

Me: "Really? YOUR Sean Connery? I'd heard the years hadn't been kind to but jesus wept..."

"I asume your another traveller...got it in your head to sample the DARK continent"

Me: Okay I know its 1899 but I still feel like even for the time the way he said that was racist

My Girlfriend: I like nothing about the way he said that line

Fake! Quatermain tells the british fellow to sit down, listen his stories and "Fill my glass"

My Girlfriend: That's actually 1890s slang for sex

Me: NO ITS NOT DON'T MAKE ME PICTURE THAT

The British Man tells Fake! Quatermain that he's here on behalf of the government

"THE EMPIRE NEEDS YOU"

Me: "TO HUNT DOWN THOSE REBEL SCUM"

My Girlfriend: "These plans for the death star must be delivered to Darth Sidious at once..."

"But the queshtionnnn ishhhh...do I need tha empire?"

Yep its Sean Connery everyone!

Me: GASP

WHAT A TWIST

The guy who wasn't playing Alan Quatermain in any of the trailers for this film...ISN'T Alan Quatermain!

My Girlfriend: It was Sean Connery all along! I never would have guessed because I somehow missed the film posters on my way in to see this in the cinema

Me: You did not go to see this in the cinema

We're not even paying to watch it NOW...I mean um...we are

My Girlfriend: Don’t pirate movies, kids

Me: WINK WINK

"Nigel is useful for keeping the Shtory Sheekers at bay..."

Me: "I just wish he'd stop going on long rants about the European Union"

My Girlfriend: I feel like Connery has turned his Bond Voice up to eleven here

Me: Its getting out of control

The british man declares that "The empire is in peril!"

Me: "THERE HAS BEEN AN AWAKENING"

"Your probably too young to know...but the empire is always in some kind of peril"

My Girlfriend: Just wait until Star Wars episode seventeen comes out

He tells Quatermain they need him to lead "A team of unique men like yourself to combat this threat"

My Girlfriend: "A team of elderly alcoholic misogynists to combat this threat"

Me: THE HEROES THEY NEED RIGHT NOW

"There is great unrest...."

Me: It is a time of great civil unrest....

My Girlfriend: (Loudly hums the Star Wars theme)

"A war? With who?"

"With everyone...a WORLD war"

Me: A WORLD war?

SURELY NOT

My Girlfriend: Such a notion is ridiculous!

Me: "Britain? Involved in a world war?

BOSH!

FLIMSHAW!"

"And that notion makes you sweat?"

"Heavens man...doesn't it you?"

"This is Africa dear boy...sweating is what we do"

My Girlfriend: "Is he coming on to me?"

Me: It looks like they're really working up a sweat, sitting around drinking heavily while being waited on hand and foot

My Girlfriend: Its a strenuous and back breaking life being an imperialist asshole

The British Man asks Quatermain where his "Sense of patriotism" is and he raises a toast to the queen that the others join in

"That's as patriotic as it gets around here"

My Girlfriend: Well that and when election day rolls around we vote for whoever’s willing to blame all England’s problems on immigrants and gay people

Me: The time honoured "Daily Mail" style of patriotism

The British guy appeals to Quatermain by remind him of how legendary his exploits are and the music gets sad...

Me: Oh this means he's got ANGST

My Girlfriend: A helpful soundtrack

"With each past exploit I've lost friends...white men and black..."

Me: "No Irish though"

My Girlfriend: Alan Quatermain here desperate to let us know that He Has Black Friends

Me: He's not a racist, honest

Even though he's living in a hotel in africa where all the guests are wealthy old white men and all the servants are black

"I am not the man I once was..."

My Girlfriend: "I'm not James Bond anymore...."

But because the plot has to get moving SOMEHOW, some of the Fantom's men show up looking for Alan Quatermain and, oh bitter irony, they get Nigel the Not! Quatermain who pretends to be him for tourists...and shoot him dead instead of the real thing!

Me: OH NO

NOT NIGEL

My Girlfriend: Now whose going to make up lies about funding for the NHS to stick on the side of a bus?!

Alan leaps into action to avenge his fellow refugee from Alcoholics Anonymous and a gunfight breaks out

Me: This is a pretty standard Tuesday night for Sean Connery honestly

My Girlfriend: Barely anything out of the ordinary

"They're indestructible!"

"NO! JUST ARMOUR PLATED!"

Me: Was the idea of body armour really THAT revolutionary at the time?

Like

The romans had this stuff figured out

My Girlfriend: But other than armour plating, what have the romans ever done for us...

The men open fire with machine guns at POINT BLANK RANGE at Alan Quatermain

Every single one of them misses

Me: Okay

so

WHO taught these people how to aim?

My Girlfriend: They're proud graduates of the Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy

Me: They apparently got strict instructions to shoot absolutely everything except the man trying to kill them

My Girlfriend: Maybe they just really hate this racist hotel

"Automatic rifles?

Who the devil has automatic rifles?"

"Dashed unsporting!

PROBABLY BELGIAN"

Me: FINALLY someone brave enough to take a swipe at Belgium

My Girlfriend: Oh old racist guy in a hat...you say the things everyone else isn't thinking, or saying

Me: He's getting a stand up special on Netflix any day now

Quatermain proceeds to just Beat The Crap out of the ineffectual goons

Me: This movie proving what we all knew deep down...no one is a match for the Furious Fists of an inebriated Sean Connery

My Girlfriend: This wasn't even in the script he was just REALLY wasted that day and started smacking the shit out of the extras

He also smashes a drinks trolley over them which...

Me: He would later react with horror at the realisation that he senselessly destroyed a decanter of whiskey during this fight scene

My Girlfriend: SUCH A TERRIBLE WASTE

He uses a bottle to knock out another of the henchmen....

Me: "OH LORD NO

I'D ONLY NEARLY FINISHED DRINKING THAT BOTTLE DRY!"

My Girlfriend: Still one of the least violent incidents involving alcohol that Sean Connery has ever been involved with...

"What a waste..."

Me: He adlibbed that line you know

My Girlfriend: I CAN BELIEVE IT

He then proceeds to finish off another henchman by IMPALING HIM ON A RHINO HORN...and as a union jack flutters onto the body quips "Rule Britannia"

Me: He's just pretending he's in another Bond movie at this point

My Girlfriend: James Bond in...A View to a Lawn He Wants Those Kids To Get Off Of

One of the hench-goons is still fleeing so Quatermain just has the bar keep hurl him a shotgun

Me: Okay I was totally onboard when this film told me Mr Hyde, Captain Nemo and the Invisible Man all exist and team up to fight evil

But a bartender willingly putting a firearm into the hands of Sean Connery?

I'm sorry movie, now you've just gone too far

My Girlfriend: There are limits to our suspension of disbelief

Me: ITS LUDICROUS

He takes aim at the fleeing henchman but then lowers the gun, the British Guy (Who has somehow survived all this carnage) remarking that he was sure the man was too far away for Quatermain to make the shot...only for Quatermain to put his glasses on first remarking "God I hate getting old"

Me: WAH WAH WAH WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

My Girlfriend: MY SIDES ARE SPLITTING

Me: "That's So Quatermain" will be back after these messages

Quatermain wounds the fleeing henchman but as he charges towards him he swallows a suicide pill...

Me: Honestly that's what I'd do if I saw a liquored up Sean Connery charging at me as well

My Girlfriend: He just can't bear to hear yet another fucking anecdote about how hillarious everyone on set found Pussy Galore's name

"Bloody poishon...."

My Girlfriend: I love how he said that as if this sort of thing happens regularly...

"You may have no love for the empire...But I know you love africa"

Me: The whole continent!

Even the parts he has never visited!

My Girlfriend: "I love...Africa...I love...lamp...."

Me: "Alan are you just naming random things you can see"

"A war in Europe will spread...to its colonies"

And then behind them the hotel BLOWS THE FUCK UP

"It apppears the war has arrived..."

My Girlfriend: "I really didn't expect to be proved right quite so quickly"

Me: Our hero

motivated by the noble mission of DEFENDING COLONIALISM

My Girlfriend: SO HONOURABLE

He leaves and Alan stares mournfully at a graveyard nearby...

Me: He's mourning that bottle of whiskey he had to smash over one of the villains heads

My Girlfriend: "There should have been another way..."

Soon we are in "London, July 1899"

My Girlfriend: it is VITAL we know the month

Me: SO IMPORTANT

"You made good time getting here!"

"Not as good as Phileas Fogg!

Around the world in eighty days!"

Me: I love how this movie takes a comics story that blended famous fictional characters into a strange and surreal shared universe and turns it into people just...screaming titles of books at each other

My Girlfriend: I half expect him to wink at the audience when he says that line

Me: He basically does?

He does that weird little "Heh" thing at the end of that line

Its Connery going "THIS IS A MOVIE ABOUT CHARACTERS FROM FICTION WHO KNOW EACH OTHER OKAY"" to the viewers the studio are firmly convinvced are absolute morons

Quatermain is lead into the meeting room of the LOEG...

"I don't like theatrics!"

My Girlfriend: "And I'm not keen on musicals either!"

He's greeted by M, the one bringing the league together....

Me: "AHHHHHH GOOD EVENING MEESTER BOOOONNNDDDD...

I mean um...

I'm totally not the films villain

By the way"

"Identify yourself..."

"I'm known by many names Mr Quatermain"

My Girlfriend: "I do a LOT of Credit Card Fraud"

"Underlings call me sir

My superiors call me M"

Me: "Some call me the Artist Formerly Known as Sir"

My Girlfriend: "There are those who call me...TIM"

"M?"

"JUST...M"

Me: "Like Cher"

My Girlfriend: "Or Madonna"

He welcomes Alan to the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and explains that there have been times when the world needed the services of "Singular individuals"

Me: Individuals who can drink two whole bottles of scotch without even flinching

My Girlfriend: Individuals ready and willing to be grumpy and inebriated at a moments notice

He introduces Quatermain to another recruit...Captain Nemo!

"I know of...Mr Quatermain"

Me: "He borrowed twenty dollars from me and never paid me back"

"And I know of you, captain"

My Girlfriend: "You stiffed me on your half of the restaurant bill at Olive Garden last year"

"Rumour has it that your a pirate"

"I would prefer a less provocative title..."

Me: "Look I just refuse to pay for a Hulu subscription when all I want to do is keep up to date on Runaways okay"

My Girlfriend: "I will not apologise for using torrents and you can't make me"

M tells the two to settle down....

Me: "Gentlemen please...stop almost raising your voices at one another"

My Girlfriend: If this gets any more heated a mild quarrel might break out

Me: Possibly even a heated disagreement

He talks about "Nations are striking at nations" hence the league being brought together

Me: "By the way thank you so much for not drawing attention to how much I'm trying to look like Vincent Price"

My Girlfriend: "You shouldn't take it as a sign I'm untrustworthy"

Me: He is literally one camp line delivery away from winning a horror convention look alike contest

He reveals to them that all the attacks of a man who calls himself "The Fantom"

"VERY OPERATIC"

Me: ...

GET OUT

GET OUT NOW

My Girlfriend: I want to murder whoever wrote that line with my bare hands

Me: I WILL HELP

M explains that the Fantom has captured scientists build him terrible weapons, uses them to launch attacks on other countries and then sells the inventions to various countries to fight back with

Me: Okay seriously is no one going to bring up the fact this man looks eerily like Vincent Price because its bugging me now

I keep expecting him to offer them money to stay at the house on haunted hill....

My Girlfriend: Is no one going to ask HOW he knows all of this about the Fantom?

Me: That would be an excellent question so of course the answer is no they will not

M explains that there's going to be a conference in Venice and their team of six has four days to get there

Quatermain: Four days to get to Venice?

That's impossible

Nemo: Let me worry about that

Me: "I'll do all the worrying about how impossible it is to get to Venice"

My Girlfriend: "I don’t have a way to get us there, I just have very severe anxiety"

Me: "Apologies if the way I phrased that response was misleading"

"Well now...extraordinary gentlemen indeed!"

Me: "One of has has a way to Get To Places Quickly!

I AM LOSING MY SHIT"

My Girlfriend: He'll be less thrilled when he learns Nemo just plans to shoot him at Venice out of a cannon like he was Sideshow Bob

M explains that they are expecting a chemist and then someone with a truly horrifying cockney accent pipes up "Chemist eh? Do we get to blow something up?"

Me: That’s what chemists do alright

My Girlfriend: AND NOTHING ELSE

"My eyesight must be worse than I thought" muses Quatermain as he looks for the source of the voice

Me: "What could I have been drinking that causes bad eyesight I wonder?"

My Girlfriend: Its honestly a miracle he can see at all right now

"No games M!"

Me: "What about Hungry Hungry Hippos?"

My Girlfriend: Quatermain is having horrible Pictionary flashbacks

Me: "I DREW A GIRAFFE! HOW DO YOU NOT SEE THATSH A GIRAFFE?!?!?!?!"

M explains how a while ago a "Brilliant albeit misguided" scientist turned himself invisible

"Yes I recall the tale...but didn't he die?"

Me: Alan Quatermain is a stickler for continuity

My Girlfriend: He will be having none of this AU bullshit

the invisible man in the room explains that the process to turn someone invisible survived and he stole it

Me: I would genuinely love to know how you go about Stealing Invisibility Formulas

My Girlfriend: I like to think he just swiped the scientists diary

"I'm feeling a bit of a draft on my nethers...."

Me: THE INVISIBLE NUDIST

"Allow me to introduce myself...Rodney Skinner...Gentleman Thief"

Me: "Apples and pears, bobs yer uncle, ow's yer father"

My Girlfriend: "Step in time, it's a jolly 'oliday wiv mary, a sweep is as lucky as lucky can be"

"I thought invisibility would be a boon to my work"

Me: He hoped he could use it to erase this movie from his IMDB page

My Girlfriend: A REASONABLE GOAL

As he applies some bright white facepaint he explains that "Once your invisible, bloody hard to turn back"

Me: "I really shouldn't have skipped that chapter in Invisibility 101"

"Finally caught you..."

My Girlfriend: Question...HOW?

Like

Yes he can't turn visible but

How does one go about

LOOKING

For an invisible man

Me: I really hope the answer is they just sprayed talc everywhere and looked for footprints like in that one Sabrina The Teenage Witch episode

He explains that the government will give him a cure for his invisibility if he helps them

My Girlfriend: They've got top invisibility experts working around the clock on this

Me: Imagine being called into that meeting

"Stop what your doing...we need you to come up with a CURE for invisibility"

He explains that he'll get the cure "If I'm a good boy"

"And are you a good boy?" asks Quatermain

Me: "What would you like for Christmas this year?"

My Girlfriend: "You'll only get it if you leave out some whiskey for me to drink"

Me: "Because your Santa?"

My Girlfriend: "N...I mean yes, that’s why..."

And then enters Mina Harker, asking if she's late

"A womans perogative Miss Harker!"

My Girlfriend: "Like being a sexist douchebag is miiiiine"

"PLEASH tell me this is Harkers Wife...with a Sick note..."

Me: "Invisible monstrosities and mass murdering pirates are one thing but WOMEN!?!?!"

My Girlfriend: "WHATS NEXT, THE GAYS?!?!?"

M introduces Mina to the group and says her "Prior aquaintance" may make her useful

Me: Guessing who that refers to may drive me BATTY

My Girlfriend: BITE ME

"I'm waiting to be impressed..."

Me: Alan Quatermain sums up the feelings of everyone who paid money to see this movie...

M sends them on their way as the Insivible Cockney declares "Kicking us out already? A minute ago it was sherry and giggles!"

Me: "Gotta be off to go menace the cast of the Mighty Boosh now"

My Girlfriend: "This dodgy geezer kicking me out on me jackjones? That's bloody cheeky that is"

Once they're outside....

Quatermain: WHAT IN GODS NAME IS THAT

Me: That's a CAR Allan

My Girlfriend: That's actually how Sean Connery reacts to seeing cars in real life these days

Me: "SOME KIND OF HORSHELESS CARRIAGE!"

"I call it...an AUTO-MOBILE"

"Yeah...but what is it?"

Me: AN AUTO...MOBILE

My Girlfriend:"Did my dramatic announcement not explain it adequately"

"The future gentlemen...the future"

Me: "I enjoy giving vague and unsatisfactory replies to peoples questions...just to be a dick"

My Girlfriend: He takes his enjoyment where he can

As they get into the auto...mobile...Nemo also introduces his first mate

"Call me Ishmael"

Me: .....

Okay thats actually pretty funny

My Girlfriend: POINT FOR YOU, MOVIE

Me: THAT DID MAKE ME GIGGLE

They zoom off watched by....

Me: I KNEW IT

ITS...SOME GUY IN A HAT

My Girlfriend: He somehow knows who they are and where they're going

Even though that makes

NO SENSE

Since he's been stood in a streetcorner in the rain this whole time

My Girlfriend: To be fair he could just have spotted the BRIGHT WHITE CAR driving through the streets of london and assumed whoever’s in that is a main character

My Girfriend: "If ah follow that vee-hi-cle ahm sure to find the plot!"

As they drive over the team makes strained small talk with Quatermain basically telling Mina that she doesn't know danger is because she's just a woman

Me: And when have WOMEN ever faced DANGER in our lives

My Girlfriend: Everyone knows we just spend all day at the nail salon talking about boys!

"I imagine you must have quite a library Mr Quatermain...all those books you must have read merely by looking at their covers"

Me:.....

Okay Mina I'm on your side here because Alan is a DICK

But that can't have even sounded clever in your HEAD

My Girlfriend: YOU CAN DO BETTER MINA

"I've had women along on past exploits...and found them to be at best...a distraction"

Me: And yet this is still less sexist than Sean Connery's actual real life views

My Girlfriend: He looks at Alan Quatermain in this movie as some kind of radical hippy progressive

Mina asks Quatermain if she "Distracts him" and he replies that he's "Buried two wives...and many lovers...."

My Girlfriend: LIKE NIGEL

Me: POOR NIGEL...he died as he lived....drunk

The team soon arrive at the East London Docks...

My Girlfrend: Well they're going to get stabbed and/or robbed

Me: Oh the docks were not THAT bad back then

My Girlfriend: Back then?

We also spot the most amazing poster...

Me: Sorry did that say MARS MAY BE VOLCANOES

My Girlfriend: IT DID INDEED

And I have

Many questions about that poster

Me: Its both clumsy foreshadowing for a sequel that will never happen...and also utterly nonsensical

My Girlfriend: MARS MAY BE VOLCANOES EVERYONE

Me: It was the "All Your Base Are Belong To Us" meme of the 1890s

My Girlfriend: That or its the work of 1800s scientologists

The League disembark and the Invisible Cockney remarks "This is a charming spot...does Jack the Ripper live here?"

Me: "No, he's the subject of a different Alan Moore movie adaptation altogether"

My Girlfriend: "One that is even more dissapointing than this one if such a thing can be believed"

A knock at the door and...

"Good EVEning...."

Me: "I heard your group wasn't quite camp enough yet..."

My Girlfriend: "Allow me to fix that..."

They've arrived at the home of Dorian Gray and Alan tells them that M sent them "Ah yesssss...M for Mystery....."

Me: MARTIN Mystery

He tells them he doesn't want to be involved in whatever they're doing..

Me: If only he'd told his agent the same thing...

Mina asks him to let them in and he recognises her because everyone knows everyone

My Girlfriend: So Penny Dreadful was basically League of Extraordinary Gentleman, right?

Me: It actually managed to be a more faithful adaptation than the actual film was

As they enter his house Alan notes an empty spot on the wall "Your missing a Picture, Mr Gray"

Me: A picture?

I wonder who it could have been of?

My Girlfriend: I AM MYSTIFIED

Me: A real headscratcher

"Scotch anyone?"

"Please, help yourself"

Me: NEVER say those words when Sean Connery is within earshot

My Girlfriend: That bottle is going to be empty the next time the camera cuts to it

"I'm impressed Mr Gray...you take Skinner's uniqueness in your stride"

"Yes well I've seen too much in my life to shock easily..."

Me: "I do sometimes get startled or confounded though"

My Girlfriend: "Once in a while I even get astounded!"

He then purrs at Mina that he was "Surprised to see YOU again" in the sleaziest way possible while stroking his cane

Me: Can he please stop playing with his cane while he says that?

My Girlfriend: I do not like ANYTHING about the way he said that

Not one thing

Me: Dorian Gray...sleazy pick up artist

My Girlfriend: He's going to start negging her any minute now

"Ah, so your nothing more than an enticement..."

Me: OH MY GOD HE ACTUALLY IS NEGGING HER

My Girlfriend: Why did I have to be right about that

"Your presence intrigues me..."

Me: From the way he's fiddling with his cane I think a cold shower is what should intrigue him

"They say your indestructible, Mr Quatermain"

"Well a witch doctor did bless me once..."

My Girlfriend: "He also blessed some rains, down in Africa..."

Me: His friend the witch doctor he told him what to do

He told him Oo ee

Oo Ahh Ahh

Ting Tang

Walla Walla Bing Bang...

My Girlfriend: STOP THAT

Quatermain says that "Africa will nevver allow him to die"

Me: "That's what Africa is there for after all...to help old white colonialists cheat death and stay healthy"

My Girlfriend: I guess now we know what's stopped the alcohol from finishing him of all these years

Nemo says that he's curious what Dorian Gray would bring to the group saying that they all have traits that are useful

"A hunter...a scientist...even Skinner has stealth"

Me: He's listing off the character classes for the LOEG Role Playing Game here

My Girlfriend: Note these down!

"I have...experience"

Me: "And a PIMP CANE"

My Girlfriend: "I'm here to fill every scene with an overwhelming aura of skin crawling sleazyness"

Quatermain brings up how he once met Gray at college...and how he hasn't aged a day since then. Mina looks SHOOK

Me: "An immortal?

THATS ALARMING

IVE NEVER MET ONE OF THOSE BEFORE"

My Girlfriend: People supernaturally keeping themselves young is definitely something that Mina Harker has never heard of in her life

But before anyone can ask more questions the scene is interrupted by more of the Fantom's henchmen!

Me: HOW THE FUCK DID THEY GET IN THERE

My Girlfriend: Their uniform consists of pots and pans strapped to their body...they should NOT be this stealthy

"Gray?"

"They are not mine"

My Girlfriend: "Though its not the first time I've had a group of strangely dressed men in my home..."

"They're mine!"

And so enter our films villain

My Girlfriend: This costume design is certainly A Choice

Me: Its really something

"I am...the Fantom...and you are the League of of so called...Extraordinary Gentlemen...."

Me: "Please excuse me while I decide what accent to do in this scene"

My Girlfriend: I think its...russian?

Maybe?

"I’m scarred Mr Quatermain, not blind...drop the gun"

Me: "I'm not blind...I just have no depth perception because I covered one of my eyes up with a silver mask"

My Girlfriend: foiled by the Fantom's accursed 20 20 vision

"Your mission is to stop me...that of course I cannot permit..."

My Girlfriend: I feel like we're watching a cutscene from the video game adaptation that Never Was

"So I give to all a special one time invitation..."

Me: "TO MCDONALDS"

My Girlfriend: "I'm treating you all to Happy Meals"

Fantom tells them to "Jooooiiiinnnn meeeeeeee"

Nemo and Quatermain both bring up how the Fantom's trying to start a war just so he can make money selling weapons of death...his answer? "I cannot deny...fortunes are made in war..."

Me: That's not the best counter arguement

My Girlfriend: "Your a murdering arms dealer!"

Me: "Yes. So shall we be friends?"

But then LE GASP!

One of the Fantom's henchmen ISN'T one of his henchmen and he shoots one of the Actual Henchmen!

AND SO A GUNFIGHT BREAKS OUT AGAIN

My Girlfriend: Sorry are they...are they shooting the make up off of the Invisible Man there because

I don't think thats how make up works

Me: OR DOES IT

Their helper guns down some of the Fantom's men as the Fantom himself flees

Me: AND ALL THESE MEN HAD JUST THREE DAYS LEFT UNTIL RETIREMENT

My Girlfriend: "OH GOD THE ARMOUR DOES NOTHING"

Me: "WHY DIDN'T WE ARMOUR OUR FACES

WHY DID ONLY THE FANTOM GET A HELMET TO PROTECT HIS FACE"

Henchman: DRAW YOUR PISTOL

Nemo: I WALK A DIFFERENT PATH

(Draws his sword and starts stabbing people left and right)

My Girlfriend: "I MURDER PEOPLE WITH SWORDS INSTEAD OF WITH GUNS

WHICH IS MUCH MORE MORAL"

Me: This seems like a dubious moral high ground at best

My Girlfriend: He's taken a solemn vow never to kill a man with anything that will end his life quickly

As Quatermain chases after the Fantom, Some Guy appears to engage in fisticuffs while yelling after the Fantom "RUN JAMES"

Me: JAMES THE FANTOM

My Girlfriend: The world will quiver at the mere mention of the name JAMES

Dorian is slicing his way through the group with his sword cane...

Me: Not the first time he's roughly penetrated a large number of men in that room

My Girlfriend: SAMANTHA

NO

While Quatermain gets the crap kicked out of him....

Me: Ah this brings back memories for Sean Connery

My Girlfriend: From his time as James Bond?

Me: No from last night at that bar he started a fight in when they wouldn't serve him anymore...

The Invisible Man bludgeons a guy with a book

Me: Good thing that wasn't a copy of George RR Martin's work, that man would be dead right now

Quatermain defeats his opponent...

Me: "THATSH FOR SHAYING THAT PIERCE BROSHNAN WAS A BETTER BOND THAN I WASH"

My Girlfriend: "I REGRET...NOTHING..."

And Dorian gets riddled with bullets!

OH NOES!

But don't worry he's totally fine because of course he is

My Girlfriend: So was Dorian Gray being immortal here meant to be a twist

Me: The filmmakers assumed their target audience had never actually read a book

Dorian cuts the henchmens armour off and stabs him up...

Me: Not the first time he's cut a mans clothes off in that room...

And the man falls to the floor, ripping Dorian's shirt off as he does so

Me: OR the first time that a mans dropped to his knees in front of him while tearing his clothes off....

My Girlfriend: "I may die...but at least I ruined...your outfit"

"What are you?"

"I'm complicated"

Me: "I'm a thinly veiled self insert character created by an extremely racist gay playwright"

The Fantom escapes the fake! henchman by taking a dive out a window....

Me: He's going to be embarrassed when he sees there was a door right there....

My Girlfriend: SO NEEDLESS

Back at the aftermath of the pointless action sequence the Invisible Man is complimenting Dorian on his invincibility

Me: Its handy for him to spell out just what Gray's powers are for those who haven’t quite been keeping up

My Girlfriend: The Invisible Exposition Machine

Gray asks where Mina is and Quatermain says shes probably "Hip deep in trouble"

Me: Oh Alan Quatermain, you charming old misogynist you

My Girlfriend: OUR HERO LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

Mina appears with a cheerful "Don't be such an alarmist Mr Q!"

Me: "Mr Q"?

REALLY?

My Girlfriend: "Mellow out dayy-o don't be such a square"

"And my hips are none of your business"

Me: "But I can tell you for fact that they do not lie"

SUDDENLY MINA IS TAKEN HOSTAGE!

Me: So was that one guy hiding during the whole fight on the off chance he could take a hostage and walk out?

My Girlfriend: He's not henchmaning hard he's henchmaning SMART

He says that he's sure the group will do anything to protect Mina...and she says he's mistake if he thinks SHE needs protection...as her eyes go red...

Me: "I wonder what that could mea...OH GOOOOOOOOOOD"

And yep she just starts chowing down on the guys neck

Me: OM NOM NOM NOM NOM

My Girlfriend: Who could have guessed this would go badly for him

Me: I guess she’s found

Her NECKS victim

Eh?

My Girlfriend: GET OUT

We then get a hillarious glimpse of her mouth covered in what is supposed to be blood...

Me: "AHHHHHH DELICIOUS STRAWBERRY-LICIOUS FLAVOUR"

My Girlfriend: From this shot we can deduce that this man’s veins are in fact, filled with jam

Nemo's reaction?

"Extraordinary"

Me: "We must drop the title of the film into conversation every chance we get"

My Girlfriend: Just in case people forgot what film they're watching

"Boy...they told me European women had funny ways..."

Me: I'm glad he's cool with local customs like draining people of their blood to live forever

My Girlfriend: He doesn't feel its right to pre-judge these things

Me: Don't knock it till you've tried it

Our films Token American introduces himself as "Special Agent Tom Sawyer, of the American Secret Service"

Me: Somewhere, as we speak, Mark Twain is rolling in his grave

My Girlfriend: Somewhere as we speak Mark Twain is crawling out of his grave to kill whoever wrote this film script

"Then America is aware of the situation?"

Me: Shocking, given how subtle the Fantom has been acting

My Girlfriend: Who would have guessed a little thing like blowing up an entire fleet of blimps with a missile launcher would attract attention

Sawyer explains that if a war starts in europe its only a matter of time until it spreads to America

Me: Ah, self interest...the most noble of all heroic traits

My Girlfriend: "Sure he's only killing foreigners now but soon he might start killing people our country cares about!"

Dorian tells Sawyer he's not welcome but we're distracted by...

Me: OKAY HOW IS HIS SHIRT FIXED

That shirt was riddled with bullets and torn off a second ago

WHEN DID HE DO THIS WARDROBE CHANGE

My Girlfriend: Maybe his clothes also magically heal like his body does?

Me: THE WARDROBE OF DORIAN GRAY

My Girlfriend: Not to be confused with the closet of Dorian Gray which is something else altogether

Mina brings up how Dorian has refused to join but he says that the battle was "Just the spur I needed"

Me: "Before I had no desire to come along but now someone's tried to murder me?

I’m in"

My Girlfriend: We're operating on Shounen Anime Logic here

Dorian tells Sawyer he's not allowed to join their Cool Fictional Heroes Club but Quatermain asks to see Sawyer's gun....

Me: Quatermain senses the chance to possibly build a father son bond with this character that might actually make his character more sympathetic

My Girlfriend: That or he's thinking that he'll be able to carry twice as many liquor bottles back to the car with a younger stronger man to help him

"Winchester..."

Me: "I got it from these two brothers..."

My Girlfriend: Do not

reference

that fuckin show

"American style!"

"American style shooting too"

Me: In an authentic american style barbecue glaze!

"You like it? I brought two"

Me: "I still need convincing"

My Girlfriend: "I also brought whiskey"

Me: HE'S COMING WITH US

Yes, Sawyer joins the group and off they go with Nemo telling Dorian that they're off to paris to get the last member of their group

Me: Sawyer is immediately horrified at the thought he might have to work with a frenchman

My Girlfriend: "Vampires are one thing, but the French!?"

Quatermain says they'll have to "Capture" this last member with Mina noting that he "Makes him sound like some kind of animal"

Me: OR A POKEMON

My Girlfriend: League of Extraordinary Gentlemen Go

Me: Travel around recruiting famous literary figures to beat up a heavily scarred russian man with you!

They bring up Mina's whole blood drinking thing with the Invisible Cockney declaring they're "All a-quiver" to hear more about it

Me: TIME FOR SOME BACKSTORY

My Girlfriend: Its just not the same when there's no sepia toned flashbacks to go along with it

"My husband was Jonathan Harker...together with Professor Van Helsing we fought a dangerous evil...it had a name...Dracurahhhhhh...he was Transylvanian"

Me: "And most definitely did not pronounce his name like that"

My Girlfriend: What in god’s name was the way she said that line

Me: "Guys?

Guys I messed up the end of that line? I completely butchered the pronunciation of Dracula's name? Are we...are we not doing a second take?

We're still fiming? Okay then..."

The Invisible Man asks if he was "One of those radicals"

"I don't know...is the vampiric sucking of peoples blood radical behaviour?"

Me: Its a tad unconventional, I'll admit

My Girlfriend: A LITTLE BIT UNORTHODOX

Me: Somewhat eccentric

Nemo announces that their transportation has arrived

"A boat?"

"It travels on water if that’s what you mean...AND BENEATH IT"

Me: "BEHOLD

SOME TRULY HORRENDOUS CGI"

My Girlfriend: This green screen abomination will get them where they need to go!

"Next stop...Paris!"

Me: HERE WE ARE AT PARIS

In Paris a hulking figure in torn up clothes wearing a top hat is fleeing across the rooftops as below the group gives chase

Me: HERE WE ARE AT ROOFTOPS

My Girlfriend: Samantha, stop that

Me: HERE WE ARE AT CHASE SCENE

"What do we need a big monkey for?"

"This big monkey has terrorised the |Rue Morgue for months!"

Me: Murders?

In the Rue Morgue?

Surely not...

My Girlfriend: Mother of god...

"Imagine the mayhem he'll give the enemy!"

Me: Quatermain is ecstatic at the thought of unleashing a mass murdering cannibal on countless people

My Girlfriend: But they are Bad People so its okay

CHASE SCENE CONTINUES

My Girlfriend: How is his hat not falling off there?

Me: The top hat isn't actually a top hat at all he's just got a really weirdly shaped skull

Quatermain takes a shot and fails to hit him

"Missed!"

"I'm not trying to hit him"

Me: Ah that's what I would always say when my dad would force me to play football and the ball wouldn't even come close to the goal

"YOU MISED"

"I'M NOT TRYING TO HIT IT"

"TURN LEFT MISTER HYDE!"

Me: Oh no, now he won't get that temp job and won't be there to save the Tenth Doctor's life!

My Girlfriend: You

fucking

NERD

Me: :D

Hyde, because that’s who the top hatted guy is continues to run as the two fire wildly at him

Me: So this is Paris...in the EIGHTEEN NINETIES

No one

Not one person on this street

Is alarmed or puzzled at the presence of an american and an englishman, running through the streets, screaming and firing guns at the rooftops?

My Girlfriend: They just look out the window, see its Sean Connery and go "Oh god it must have been closing time at the bar down the street"

Sawyer is almost crushed by some falling rubble

"That was naughty..."

Me: Nearly murdering someone with a chimney is very mischievous behaviour

My Girlfriend: He's a little dickens is what he is

"Eyes open boy...I can't protect you all the time"

Me: And yet you basically will for the entirety of this film

My Girlfriend: MUCH TO OUR REGRET

Quatermain sniffs the air and declares that Mr Hyde is afraid

Me: "I can smell his fear

Because apparently I’m Wolverine now”

Quatermain manages to fire off enough shots that he knocks the startled Mr Hyde from the rooftop

Me: No more HYDE-ing for you

My Girlfriend: Why are you like this

Quatermain fires off a flare and suddenly a giant net bursts out, wraps around the startled Hyde and drags him to the Nautilus YES REALLY

My Girlfriend: And so ends this game of Hyde and Seek

Me: BABE I'M SO PROUD OF YOU

My Girlfriend: I'm so ashamed of myself

You’re a horrible influence

"Welcome to the Nautilus Mr Hyde"

Me: "We've left a complimentary chocolate mint on your pillow and your breakfast wake up call is at eight am"

They head back to the ship with a confused looking Sawyer marvelling at Hyde’s GIANT TOP HAT that he's dropped on the ground

Me: He's wondering where he got a top hat that huge

My Girlfriend: Seriously does he have a specialist haberdasher he can call on day or night?

Me: "Where the hell does this man buy his clothes"

At the Nautilus in her...lab I guess? Mina is grumping about Quatermain's sexism and doing a passable imitation of Connery's accent

"Thish huntsh too dangeroush for a woman...even one shuch ash you...leave it to me..."

My Girlfriend: Is the movie riffing itself at this point?

Me: THATS OUR JOB MOVIE

Only we get to mock the ridiculous way your characters speak!

The sound of Hyde roaring from somewhere in the ship does Mina a startle and she heads out to check what's happening and...

Me: Okay I have to give the movie this

I really really like Mina's outfit here?

For...reasons

My Girlfriend: Would the reasons be that she's hot and your gay?

Me: Its got this sexy schoolteacher vibe...like I can just imagine her leaning toward me in it and being all "Well now I have you in detention what AM I going to do with you you NAUGHTY GIRL"

My Girlfriend: I'll just bet you can...

The Invisible Man and Dorian also stroll toward the sound of the commotion with the Invisible Man noting that "The great white hunters bagged his prize!"

Me: "He's finally won on that crane game"

My Girlfriend: And it only cost him eighty pounds in fifty pence pieces

We get a good look at Hyde at last and...

Me: WOW

Remember when I said the Nautilus was atrocious CGI?

My Girlfriend: Yes?

Me: I ttake it back its a MASTERPIECE compared to this...

As Hyde knocks people around the Invisible Man is knocked off his feet...luckily Dorian helps him up

But whats this?

"OW! You scratched me!"

"Better me than him"

Me: Okay but Dorian that...that doesn't explain WHY you scratched him

My Girlfriend: "Don't kinkshame me"

"Mr Hyde!

You’ve done terrible things in England!

So terrible that you fled the country!"

Me: "WE KNOW YOUR THE ONE WHO WROTE MY IMMORTAL"

My Girlfriend: They've finally caught up with the monster responsible for suggesting to Boris Johnson that he go into politics

"I'm ashamed to say that her majesties government is willing to offer you amnesty"

Me: Who would have believed we'd see the day that the British government was involved in anything morally questionable

My Girlfriend: I AM SHOOK

Me: It’s hard to fathom I know

"Do you want to go home?"

"Home...home is where the heart is...so they say"

Me: Mr Hyde's dialogue courtesy of a welcome mat purchased from Wal Mart

"London’s sorrow is as sweet to me as a rare wine..."

My Girlfriend: Mr Hyde's other dialogue courtesy of a T shirt from Hot Topic

Mr Hyde: I'M YOURS

(WEIRD GROWL)

Mina: O.O

HM

Me: Okay so from that expression and that little noise she just made I guess we can confirm that Mina Harker is a Canon Monster Fucker

My Girlfriend: She's going to create an entirely new erotica genre when she gets back to her room

Me: "Pounded by A Character From the Public Domain"

"Don't be afraid"

"Who says I''m afraid?"

"YOU DOOOOOOOO!"

Me: SAY IT DON'T SPRAY IT HYDE

"YOU STINK OF FEAR!"

My Girlfriend: Actually that's just the thick aroma of Dorian Gray's drakkar noir soaked clothes

Me: EASY TO MIX THE TWO UP

"Quite the parlour trick"

"Wait till you see my next one..."

And so Mr Hyde begins thrashing around as he transforms back to his regular form

Me: Its always controversial when he does that one at kids birthday parties

My Girlfriend: He's never understood why...

It’s at that point that some paper just...pops out of a wall and Nemo announces that the conference they have to stop the Fantom ruining is "In three days"

Me: "THE WALL JUST TOLD ME SO"

My Girlfriend: Sure is handy he keeps his ships only means of communication in the same room as prisoners

Sawyer asks if its possible for the Nautilus to make it there in time

My Girlfriend: "You let me worry about that..."

But no he actually tells him that he "Underestimates the Nautilus"

My Girlfriend: "I wasn't really underestimating her I was just asking you a question"

Me: "I feel like it was a legitimate query"

"You underestimate her greatly....

(And then the scene just kind of fades out to a scene of the boat skimming across the waves while Nemo's Ghostly Face hovers over it

Me: "You underestimate her power to travel by means of a screen wipe"

My Girlfriend: "And her ability to make my face hover strangely over large bodies of water"

Me: “THE NAUTILUS CAN TURN ME INTO A GIANT GHOST”

On the deck of the Nautilus Quatermain is doing some shooting while Sawyer makes Lustful Eyes at Mina...Quatermain tells him she out of his league

Me: VAMPIRE LOVE IS NOT FOR YOU

Vampiric love belongs to the lesbians!

My Girlfriend: BEGONE, HETEROSEXUAL

Dorian creeps along to bother Mina and Sawyer decides that now is the time he should go bother her too declaring "Fortune rewards the bold"

Me: I think the saying is actually that it FAVOURS the bold but sure

My Girlfriend: Go ahead and mangle the English language like you have the works of Mark Twain

"If your require any help during the voyage Ms Harker, please let me know"

"I'm curious how you think you'll assist me"

My Girlfriend: "I was hoping to assist you with orgasms..."

Me: I love Mina's face here

Straight up looking at him like "I would break you in half little boy"

Sawyer suggests he could help with "Heavy lifting"

Me: "Those clothes you’re wearing look heavy, I could take them off for you"

Sawyer declares he's a "Useful kind of guy" as he opens a door for Mina

My Girlfriend: Opening a door would be far too great a challenge for a mere woman

Me: Thank god he's around

"Your sweet...and your young. Neither are traits that I hold in high regard"

Me: "I like my lovers older and extremely bitchy"

Dorian strolls past and pats Sawyer on the arm condescendingly

My Girlfriend: Oh look, speak of the devil...

Nemo declares that the ship will be diving soon and invites everyone to go back inside so they don't you know, drown

"Mr Skinner, Dr Jeckyl"

"Captain"

"Nemo"

My Girlfriend: "Yes that is my name, between the two of you you got it right"

The boat submerges Majestically

Me: WE NOW RETURN

TO NIGHT BOAT

My Girlfriend: After these messages

Me: If your looking for League....better check under the seeeeeaaaaaaaaaa

'cause that is where you'll fiiiiiiiiind leeeeaaaaaaaague

seeeeeaaaaa leaaaaaaaguuueeeeee

Underneath the waaaaaaater

Nemo reveals that what the Fantom stole were Da Vinci's blueprints of venice

Me: This is how Art Theft was done before Deviantart or Tumblr existed

My Girlfriend: It was much more literal back then

Me: Callout Post for the Fantom...reblog, don't repost!

Also stop murdering people

My Girlfriend: ITS PROBLEMATIC

Sawyer declares that the Fantom will attack by sea and Nemo gives him the Saltiest Look

Me: "Is your entire function in this film to State The Obvious"

My Girlfriend: League of Extraordinary Gentlemen!

No plot detail no matter how trivial or obvious will be left to the viewers own brain to work out...just sit back, relax and let the characters tell you everything

We cut to later where Quatermain is relaxing in his room....only for him to suddenly turn out the light and get into a scuffle with...The Invisible Man who was lurking there!

My Girlfriend: Should we ask why the Invisible Man was lurking in Quatermain;s bedroom...NAKED...in the middle of the night?

Me: Given what he's like in the comics?

No

No we should not

"I WANT YOU DRESSED AT ALL TIMES! OR ITS MY BOOT UP YOUR ARSE!"

(Throws the Invisible Nudist out of his room)

Me: The exact same thing happened to me once when I gravely misunderstood the meaning of "Casual Fridays" at work

My Girlfriend: Anyone could have made that mistake

Later still he meets up with Nemo who tells him dinner is being served and offers him a dinner jacket

"Thank you, no"

Me: "Oh okay then, just don't make any effort whatsoever to dress up fancy"

My Girlfriend: "This is a nice dinner on a fancy ship but sure show up for it dressed like you just escaped from Jumanji"

"I may have been overly rude when I called you a pirate"

"I may have been overly charitable when I said I wasn't one"

Me: "But damn it I am NOT paying for a Disney+ membership"

My Girlfriend: "The Nautilus's hold is actually stuffed full of bootleg DVD's"

Nemo explains that he tries to live only in the present where the "Ghosts of the past" can't harm him. He asks Quatermain if he feels the same way

"I don't believe in ghosts...although I've seen my share"

Me: "Skeletons though, those are fucking terrifying

Watch out for those"

My Girlfriend: He's seen his share of ghosts but it always turned out to be a guy in a costume trying to scare away some Meddling Kids

Me: JINKIES

Nemo notes that Quatermain's past haunts him and so now he throws himself into harms way

Me: Because why have the audience interpret the characters motivations and personality from their words and actions in the film when you can instead just have them point at each other and go "And here's your backstory...and here's your backstory...and here's your backstory"

My Girlfriend: League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

It analyses itself so the audience doesn't have to

Quatermain responds with a line about how tigers sensing the end are at their most fierce

My Girlfriend: I really don't think tigers "Sense the end"

Me: Tigers have supernatural powers babe

It's one of the wonderful things about tigers

We cut to the next morning where Ishmael is letting Nemo know that someone has been meddling in the navigation room...

Me: GASP

A traitor?

On this team of fine upstanding people that includes a thief, a vampire, a misogynist and a man who sold his soul to the devil?

My Girlfriend: WHO WOULD HAVE BELIEVED IT

As Nemo examines some strange powder....

My Girlfriend: "Cocaine...this was clearly the work of Sean Connery..."

We see a book fall over

Me: Almost like there was some kind of man whose invisible here....

Up on deck Quatermain is doing some shooting again...

Me: The sea is littered with the dead animals he's fragged by accident on this trip

My Girlfriend: Leaving a crimson trail in his violent wake

Sawyer shows up on deck to ask him why he signed up for this...

Me: "Because whiskey doesn't come cheap lad and I can't keep living off what I saved up from the James Bond days...oh wait you were talking to my character"

My Girlfriend: "Never mind then"

Sawyer says that he heard Quatermain hates the British Empire and Quatermain just replies with "They called and I came"

My Girlfriend: That really doesn't answer his question but okay

Me: I think he's missing a page from his script...

Quatermain begins some backstory with "A few years ago...."

Me: "In Burma...my friends and I were working for the local government..."

My Girlfriend: "When we came across a child playing with a tangerine...the size...of a tangerine"

Quatermain talks about how he was given a mission for "Queen and country" and he signed up right away

"I even took my son along..."

Me: "In retrospect it was a poorly thought out Take Your Child to Work Day..."

"He died in my arms..."

My Girlfriend: "I warned him not to swim less than an hour after eating but would he listen..."

"After that I washed my hands of England...the empire..."

Me: I mean the British Empire is definitely utterly terrible, no argument there but I'm not sure why he's blaming them for his son getting killed

My Girlfriend: Really sounds like it was all your fault, not theirs Alan

Me: This is one of the few tragedies in the 1800's that they can't be blamed for

The two stand around awkwardly after THAT little revelation

Me: Sawyer's wondering where he can get a "Sorry you got your son killed" card

My Girlfriend: I think Paperchase sells those...

"Now...would you like to learn how to shoot?"

My Girlfriend: "Enough experiencing emotions...let's repress them with violence like men are supposed to do!"

Me: "We need to stop developing our characters at once"

Sawyer says that he can already shoot and Quatermain responds by telling him his shooting is "Very american...fire enough bullets and hope they hit the target"

Me: ITS THE AMERICAN WAY

"I'm talking about pipping the ace from nine hundred yards!"

My Girlfriend: "Let me teach you how to kill things more efficiently"

Me: "LIKE A HERO SHOULD"

He hands Sawyer his rifle and tells him to be careful with it

Me: "Don't grab at your weapon so roughly...it might go off prematurely in your hand"

My Girlfriend: S A M A N T H A

NO

Sawyer takes aim as Quatermain tells him he has all the time in the world....

Me: Next he's going to tell him about the man

The man with a Midas touch

My Girlfriend: A SPIDERS TOUCH

Sawyer misses completely but Quatermain tells him he was "Bloody close!"

Me: "Its just a shame you hit that endangered whale while you were firing at the sea"

He tells Sawyer to try again and as he takes aim he asks Quatermain if he taught his son to shoot like this...and Quatermain heads back into the ship without a word

"Quatermain?"

My Girlfriend: "Jeez all I did was remind you of your dead son who you blame yourself for the death of"

Me: "Way to get all emotional about nothing"

As Quatermain grumps through the ship he sees Nemo praying to a statue of Kali...

Me: I love how the soundtrack implies that a character not being a Christian is meant to seem sinister or suspicious to us

And When I Say I love it I mean Thanks I Hate It

My Girlfriend: "Wooooooooooooo

He has a SINISTER FOREIGN RELIGION

WOOOOOOOOO"

Mina shows up to tell Quatermain that "That's Kali...goddess of death"

My Girlfriend: That's Mina

Goddess of making up bullshit

Me: I feel like the producers of this film basically owe an apology to every single Hindu watching this film

My Girlfriend: I feel like the producers of this film basically owe an apology to every single person of every faith who has sat through this film

Mina asks if they can trust a man who "Worships death"

My Girlfriend: "Why can't he be more like the Christians and believe in good moral things like murdering gay people or blowing up abortion clinics with pipe bombs"

Me: "How can we possibly trust a man who has a different religion than we do"

That's

That's not a good take, Mina

My Girlfriend: IT IS THE WORST

Quatermain tells Mina that Nemo isn't the one he distrusts and Nemo closes the doors to his private room, giving Mina A Look

Me: "I heard everything you just said, by the way"

My Girlfriend: "If you want to insult my entire culture and faith maybe at least lower your voice"

Me: "No no its fine I'm just giving you free room and board, feeding you and helping you save the world by all means go ahead and crap all over my peoples religion"

Back in her lab Mina's taking a break from making racist comments to do some SCIENCE! while once again in her Naughty School Teacher garb

Me: "Hmmmmmmm...yes this is definitely science alright"

My Girlfriend: She is science-ing

Me: Maybe she can science up a way to stop making ignorant comments

Dorian comes to see what she's up to....

Me: "Did someone order a side of CREEPY?"

Mina reveals that she's examining the powder Nemo found and its "Magnesium Phosphorous" that photographers use to create a flash

"A camera perhaps"

My Girlfriend: YES THAT;S LITERALLY WHAT SHE JUST SAID

Me: "This powder is used by photographers" is apparently not obvious enough for audiences to get that someone was taking pictures

Mina says that it appears someone wants to "Capture the vessels secrets" as Dorian looks Fifty Shades of Shady

Me: "Maybe that person is CLOSER THAN YOU THINK...WINK WINK"

My Girlfriend: "WAIT DID I SAY THAT OUTLOUD?

DAMN IT"

Mina tells him she's surprised he joined the league

"I mean to undo the flaws in my character..."

Me: At this point I don't think anything can undo the flaws in how this film writes its characters

My Girlfriend: "I mean to try and have some kind of redemption arc..."

"I want to face my demons"

Me: Face your fears...stare them down....don't be scared....stand your grooooouuuunnnnddddd

For nothing is as scaaaaary

as it appears

All u gotta do is faaaaaaace your fears

My Girlfriend: You have a nice singing voice :)

Me: (KERMIT FLAIL)

Mina asks what Dorian knows of demons and....

Me: TIME FOR BACKSTORY: PART TWO

My Girlfriend: Give us flashbacks damn it

"Do you recall a space on the wall of my home...a picture was missing...and thought the picture is my portrait...I doubt you'd recognise it..."

Me: "But that's what I get for hiring Rob Liefield to paint it for me..."

My Girlfriend: "I swear I didn't have all these pouches when I posed for this...or a robot arm"

Me: And what in gods name happened to my FEET

He explains how every year the painting ages while he stays the same

Me: "Keanu Reeves has one just like it..."

We also see that Dr Jeckyll is just kind of...creeping in the doorway

My Girlfriend: JECKYLL LIKES TO WATCH

Me: I do not like

Anything about the way he's fiddling with that pocket watch

Dorian offers Mina a night cap which she refuses

Me: "Some warm milk....perhaps?"

My Girlfriend: "I'm fine"

Me: ".....

OVALTINE"

Dorian offers her a tiny shot glass of booze

Me: SHOTS! SHOTS!

SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS

EVERYBOOOODY

My Girlfriend: I would not drink

ANYTHING that this man offered me

Me: Especially anything he poured out of his sketchy ass hip flask

Mina breaks the glass because apparently she has never held a glass before and gets blood everywhere

Me: That's what you get when you buy shot glasses at pound land

My Girlfriend: Cheap ass immortals

And before you can say "Mina your blood fetish is problematic" she's getting super turned on by the sight of her own blood and her and Dorian start doing it right there in the lab

Me: Still a better vampire romance than Twillight

My Girlfriend: So Mina can't see blood without getting horny?

Me: It’s a serious problem

She got a paper cut once and humped the mailman

As Jeckyll leaves Hyde taunts him inside his head that he likes to "Look but not touch"

Me: I don't want to see this man touching anyone or anything

My Girlfriend: I don't want to see that or think about it

As Hyde taunts him Jeckyll insists that he's a good man

My Girlfriend: Good men always make magical serial killer potions so they can run around the streets murdering people as a CGI monster

Me: OF COURSE

Hyde accuses Jeckyll of lying to himself and brings up how he "Wants her"

Me: Jeckyll/Mina is Hyde's crack pairing

My Girlfriend: "Drink the elixir, I have a fanfic I need to post on AO3"

"She never even looked at you!"

"Be quiet!"

"SHE LOOKED AT ME!"

SUDDEN HYDE

Me: Hyde agrees with us that Mina Harker is totally a Monster Fucker

My Girlfriend: He's seen her Netflix history and has spotted that she's watched Shape of Water like eighty times

As Imaginary! Hyde strangles Real! Jeckyll Nemo appears and tells him to "Contain your evil, sir"

My Girlfriend: By that he means he’s spotted that Jeckyll has an erection

Me: OH DEAR GOD

He tells Jeckyll that he "Wont have the brute loose on my ship"

Me: It's almost like recruiting the man who turns into a twelve foot hulk monster was a bad idea

My Girlfriend: They need him so when the Fantom says "I have an army" Quatermain can slur out the words "We have a Hyde"

Nemo asks if he has to take "Drastic measures" to stop Jeckyll becoming Hyde again....

Me: "And by that I mean getting you into a compassionate twelve step AA program...I apologise if putting my hand on my sword while I said that was misleading..."

My Girlfriend: "This is just how I stand normally. Come to think of it it is a bit alarming..."

Me: "Many have died needlessly"

Jeckyll responds by snapping at Nemo that "Your own past is far from laudable"

Me: Geez, is it "Be a Jerk to Nemo Day" or something?

My Girlfriend: Stop being a dick to this man

Back in his room Jeckyll is further taunted by Hyde's reflection to "Let me out"

Me: "It's a beautiful day outside I wanna go out and play!"

But what does Jeckyll find but...a missing vial of the elixir!

My Girlfriend: He has a notion someone's stolen his potion!

Me: 'Twas Jeckyll's miracle elixir

That's what someone nicked sir

True sir true

My Girlfriend: Never do that accent again

Over with Nemo, Quatermain and Sawyer, Nemo is talking about how with Da Vinci's blueprints and enough explosives the Fantom could "Blow Venice's foundations to rubble"

Quoth Sawyer: "They're gonna sink the whole city!"

My Girlfriend: YES WE GET IT

Me: I swear to god Sawyer the next time you state the obvious I am going to enter the film and end you with my bare hands

Quatermain adds that if the Fantom does this he'll spark off a world war

Me: All the countries in question seem completely aware that they're not attacking each other but are instead being menaced by one weirdo in a mask

But they'll got to war with each other anyway

My Girlfriend: You can't just NOT have a war just because there's no good reason to have one

Jeckyll chooses that moment to come in and say that's not all of their problems...the Invisible Man has stolen one of his vials!

Me: "Okay, we're talking about all of Europe being plunged into a world war right now? So I really don't think an invisible cockney stealing your fizzy lifting drink is on the same level"

My Girlfriend: "A world war is bad but you know what’s worse? PETTY THEFT"

Soon the Nautilus has arrived at Venice just in time for...a carnival? Okay....

My Girlfriend: Ah yes the annual European Peace Talks Carnival

Me: They were cancelled after the year Archduke Ferdinand made the mistake of standing a little too close to the shooting gallery

My Girlfriend: TOO SOON

Nemo says they have to find the bomb and Through some dubious underwater CGI we see that there's a bunch of bombs underwater beneath the city

Me: Oh there they are!

My Girlfriend: This plot twist where Ariel has become a mad bomber destroying cities as part of her underwater terrorist plot is pretty dark for a disney film

Me: Look, she can only be pushed so far okay

The Nautilus comes to a stop and we get a look at...

Me: YE OLDE DIVERS

My Girlfriend: Nemo's made their suits as shiny as possible just to show off

Me: Look he just wants his divers to look as bling as possible okay

Nemo sends his Fancy Divers to look for the bombs while Mina brings up the fact that the city is a pretty big place

Me: Oh no...Sawyer's State The Obvious Disease is spreading...

My Girlfriend: God help us...

The team wonder where the Invisible Man got to and Dorian says that they should "Be alert for his treachery"

Me: "Because he's definitely the traitor

Him and no one else"

My Girlfriend: "Definitely not me so don't go thinking that"

There's a loud bang but worry not its just fireworks!

Quoth Quatermain "BLOODY CARNIVAL"

Me: "Old Man Yells At Fireworks"

Mina says that she feared the worst when she heard the bang...at which point the ACTUAL explosives go off

My Girlfriend: DAMN IT MINA YOU JINXED IT

Me: She just HAD to tempt fate

Now look whats happened

The bombs go off and an entire section of the city starts collapsing

Me: Well, our heroes sure did a great job preventing the destruction of Venice here

My Girlfriend: A+ work there team

Me: THE LEAGE OF INEFFECTIVE GENTLEMEN

Quatermain watches the destruction as he concludes there "Must be more than one bomb"

Me: Alan Quatermain, master of deduction

My Girlfriend: Who needs Sherlock Holmes when Quatermain’s around

Through some shaky logic Quatermain suggests that what they need to do is figure out what the next building to be destroyed will be...and then destroy the building after that

Me: “The bombs are destroying venice....AND IT LOOKS FUN SO I WANT TO JOIN IN”

My Girlfriend: This isn’t a plan to save the city, Sean Connery just really hates Venice

Me: “Bloody Italian architechture”

Nemo says that with a beacon he could launch a rocket at the right building and...stop the ones after that exploding?

Me: I’m really not sure I get how destroying MORE of the city will save it but then again I’m not an Extraordinary Gentleman so I guess maybe they know what their talking about

My Girlfriend: No one in this film knows what their talking about

Me: I do love how once again this film basically feels more like a video game than a movie

My Girlfriend: “This level has a time limit so be quick!”

Dorian brings up that they couldn’t hope to be quick enough to stop the bombs delivering the genuinely amazing line “I’m an immortal sir, not a gazelle!”

Me: “DAMN IT JIM”

My Girlfriend: If only one of the team had the power to turn into a monster man who can run extremely quickly...

And its at that point that Sawyer nyooms out of the Nautilus in Nemo’s “Auto...mobile” declaring “Care for a spin”

Me: “With a dry cool wit like that I could be an action hero”

My Girlfriend: (Nemo voice) “If you have so much as dented that car my sword will find your heart”

Me: HE IS STILL PAYING IT OFF

The league piles in and Quatermain asks Nemo if he can track it which he confirms

Me: Okay so not only did Nemo invent a car he also invented GPS tracking...in 1899

My Girlfriend: Are you suggesting that this film is not historically accurate

Me: I’m beginning to have doubts yes

Quatermain says he’ll send up a flare to let Nemo know which building to blow up

My Girlfriend: “Guns...the cause of and solution to all of life’s problems” seems to be the rule Quatermain lives his life by

Me: A WHOLESOME MORAL

The group asks Jeckyll to come along but he insists that he will never again turn into Mr Hyde

Me: HE’S GOING COLD TURKEY ON MONSTER DRUGS

And Dorian responds by asking him “What good are you” if he won’t

My Girlfriend: OUR HEROES

Me: “If you won’t turn yourself into a rampaging monster that terrifies you then your not cool enough for our club”

My Girlfriend: Sad! Jeckyll here looks like he just wants a hug

Me: STOP BULLYING HIM

Quatermain starts giving Sawyer directions but Mina contradicts him giving opposite ones

Me: Backseat drivers, am I right?

My Girlfriend: Sean Connery is horrified at the thought of a woman giving directions to the driver

And as if things couldn’t get worse some of the Fantoms men pop out and start shooting at the car as well!

Me: Where does he keep getting all these henchmen…

"Damn Skinner...he must have told them we were coming!"

My Girlfriend: Oh sure, blame the Invisible Man for EVERYTHING

Dorian jumps from the car.....

Me: BRAVE SIR DORIAN RAN AWAY

BRAVELY RAN AWAY AWAY

My Girlfriend: Bravely taking to his feet

He beat a very brave retreat

Me: THE BRAVEST OF THE BRAAAAAAAVE

As the car demolishes more of Venice...

My Girlfriend: GREAT job their doing at saving the city here

Me: At this rate there'll be nothing left for the Fantom to blow up

And Mina sees Dorian gunned down by the Fantom's men and freaks out which....

Me: Did...did she just...FORGET that Dorian's immortal?

My Girlfriend: You literally saw him survive this exact situation LESS THAN A WEEK AGO

Me: WHY ARE YOU FREAKING OUT

Quatermain can't get a clear shot at the Fantom's men so Sawyer just tells him to "Take the wheel"...and proceeds to just start firing widly at them

Me: Well he didn't get any of the Fantom's men but the ricochets did manage to kill half a dozen carnival goers

My Girlfriend: That will make Connery happy at least

Quatermain yells at Sawyer that he "Doesn't know how to drive this bloody thing!"

Me: That raises a question...how does Sawyer know how to drive it?

If this is the First Car Ever and Nemo invented it shouldn't only him and his crew know how it works?

My Girlfriend: Sawyer played through a tutorial level while we weren't looking

We then get some Truly Exceptional Line Delivery from Mina as she declares "SAVE YOUUURRR BUULLLLEEETTTSSSS...THEEESE MEN ARE MIIIIIINE"

Me: WOW

That was just

QUITE A PERFORMANCE

My Girlfriend: They did twelve takes

And that was the best they managed

Me: "Okay now remember when you deliver this line make sure to sound as hammy as humanly possible"

My Girlfriend: Really sink your teeth into that scenery

Mina proceeds to leap from the car and just kind of....scale one of the buildings

Me: "Spider Mina

Spider Mina

Does whatever a Spider Mina does"

My Girlfriend: Spins a web

Any size

Catches crooks

EATS THOSE GUYS

Me: NO WAIT

DON'T DO THAT SPIDER MIIIIINAAAAAAAA

"Did you see what she just did?"

"KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE BLOODY ROAD"

Me: I like to hope that there's an option on those GPS devices where you can choose celebrity voices that's just Sean Connery yelling at you like this

My Girlfriend: Who doesn't want to hear their car screaming "KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE BLOODY ROAD" at them in Sean Connerys voice

"It's a gauntlet!"

"THE VAMPIRE LADY HAS US COVERED"

Quatermain points at where Mina has...turned into a flock of bats?

Me: "WE CAN'T STOP HERE

THIS IS BAT COUNTRY"

My Girlfriend: It's going to be awkward when someone has to tell Connery that those bats are just in his head

Me: He drank a can of paint thinner when he couldn't find any alcohol aboard the Nautilus and he's been hallucinating ever since

The bats swarm all over the Fantom's henchmen....

Me: Shortly after this an outbreak of rabies swept across Venice

My Girlfriend: So is Mina just...MADE of bats?

Me: She's chosen bats

Over

People

'Cause she never did like the way humans made her feel

We then see an entire building collapsing and causing a stampede among the carnival goers....

My Girlfriend: THE LEAGUE OF INCOMPETENT GENTLEMEN

Heroically failing to save a single life!

Me: Look maybe they've done nothing to save the people or the city yet

But Mina turned into bats and ate people

And isn't that what REAL heroism is

Nemo is told that time is running out...

Me: Really?

I feel like this scene has been going on forever personally

My Girlfriend: I have forgotten a time when we WEREN'T watching Sean Connery race around venice in a shiny car

Me: THIS SCENE WILL NEVER END

As the buildings crumble around them one of the crew suggests they pull out but Nemo insists that they stay and "Do their jobs"

Me: At least one member of the league actually seems to care about saving this city

My Girlfriend: Nemo's basically the one competent member of this team

As the car nyooms through the streets Quatermain spots the Fantom just kind of...lurking around

My Girlfriend: WHY

Is he there?

Me: His plan is to SINK THE CITY

WHY WOULD HE PUT HIMSELF ON THE CITY WHILE IT HAPPENS

My Girlfriend: WHAT SENSE DOES THIS MAKE

Quatermain hillariously just tells Sawyer "I'm off!" and hops out of the car

Me: Not because he saw the Fantom

But because they just passed a liquor store

And he wants to do some looting

My Girlfriend: "You worry about saving the city, I'm going to go try and kill something"

The Fantom flees through the crowd as Quatermain follows close behind him

Me: Our films terrifying villain...unable to outrun a seventy year old man

My Girlfriend: "OH GOD WHY DID I COME HERE

WHY DO NONE OF MY EVIL PLANS MAKE SENSE"

Sawyer closes in on the next building about to be destroyed and before you can say "Extremely suspect CGI" he's nyooming through the air as the car goes flying across a canal...

Me: SLOW MOOOOOTIOOOOONNNNNN TOOOOO THHHEEEEE REEEESSSCCCUUUUEEEEEEEEE

My Girlfriend: His terrible CGI is more powerful than the Fantom's terrible CGI!

Sawyer fires off the flare...and then his car smashes into a building, flipping over as it does so

My Girlfriend: Well that guys dead

Me: The next fifty minutes of the film are just Sawyer going through a series of agonising operations and physical therapy sessions so he's able to walk again

My Girlfriend: All while Connery shouts drunken encouragement at him

Me: And by helping Sawyer heal his body...Quatermain in turn HEALS HIS HEART

My Girlfriend: The Lifetime Movie of Extraordinary Gentlemen

The Fantom sees the rocket Nemo has fired flying through the air and basically has a "CURSES" moment

Me: "I'LL GET YOU NEXT TIME GADGET...NEEEEXXXXTTTTT TIIIIIMMMEEEEE"

My Girlfriend: Wait

HOW does he know his plans been foiled?

How does he know WHAT the League was doing to foil his plan?

Because that's the only way his reaction here makes sense

Me: I think we're expecting too much internal logic from a film that just had Tom Sawyer crash a car through the streets of venice so Captain Nemo could stop undersea bombs blowing it up by shooting a rocket at it

"Bravo boy..."

Me: "THAT'LL DO TOM...THAT'LL DO"

We then see that Sawyer is...completely unharmed as he crawls out from under the crashed car

My Girlfriend: I'm sorry

How in the HELL is he unhurt?

Me: Literally does not even have a scratch on him

My Girlfriend: "It's a good thing this is just a movie

Otherwise flipping my car upside down as I smashed it through the wall of a building might actually have hurt me"

And then the missile Nemo fired blows the building sky high

Me: The next shot is going to be Sawyer crawling out of the rubble going "That was close!"

My Girlfriend: And that will be the only explanation we get for how he's unharmed

Me: TOM SAYWER: THE INDESTRUCTIBLE MAN

The explosions stop and the carnival goers all breathe a sigh of relief

Me: "HORRAY! SOME OF VENICE IS SAVED"

My Girlfriend: Our heroes bravely managed to stop...SOME of the city from being blown to pieces!

Me: And they only destroyed 30% of its beautiful buildings themselves in the attempt

My Girlfriend: A VICTORY FOR THE FORCES OF JUSTICE

Quatermain follows the Fantom into a graveyard....

Me: Thiiiiiiings you seeeeeeeeeee

In a graaaaaaaave

Yaaaaaaaaard

"Venice still stands"

My Girlfriend: "Well, some of it does"

Me: "Eighty percent of the city is still okay!

Sixty percent at worst"

The Fantom darts between the trees and tombstones

Me: The Fantom

Notorious hide and seek cheat

My Girlfriend: SHAMEFUL

He also taunts Quatermain with...gibberish?

Me: Sorry what did he just say to him

"You see yourself as the Brave John Bull"?

What the HELL does that mean

My Girlfriend: I think he said brave YOUNG bull?

Me: That doesn't make much more sense

My Girlfriend: Nothing in this film has

"Haunted by the memory of your sons death....you should have trained him a little better"

Me: True facts...when I went to see this film in the cinema...

My Girlfriend: YOU PAID MONEY TO SEE THIS?

SHAME

Me: Trust me I'm not proud of it... but when I saw it and heard this line I genuinely thought it was going to turn out that the Fantom was Quatermain's son, back from the dead somehow

My Girlfriend: No because that would be a twist that actually had some foreshadowing and made sense and didn't come completely the fuck out of nowhere

Me: Your right it would have been awful

The Fantom continues to taunt Quatermain saying that its basically his fault that his son died

My Girlfriend: "THOSE ARE FIGHTING WORDS"

Me: Taunting Sean Connery when he has a rifle in his hands is never a good idea

Quatermain tells the Fantom that he knows all about his spy (Who he thinks is the Invisible Man) and the Fantom replies with a sinister "DO YOU?"

And we cut to back on the Nautilus and...

Me: Hmmmmmmm

I wonder why the film cut to Dorian Gray

JUST as they were talking about the Fantom having a spy on the team

My Girlfriend: I’m sure it doesn't mean anything

Me: Your right because the spy is DEFINITELY Rodney Skinner the Invisible Man and totally not anyone else

Dorian asks if he's the first back with Ishmael confirms

Me: "Oh good no witnesses...I mean um...witnesses...to how innocent I am"

Ishmael talks about how "That bastard Skinner" has a lot to answer for

My Girlfriend: Trying to pass off fast food from Krusty Burger as his own home cooking...

Me: What are you talking about?

He made those Steamed Hams himself

"Skinner?

Noooooooo

ME"

Me: OH MY GOD DORIAN IS THE TRAITOR

WHAT A TOTALLY SHOCKING TWIST

My Girlfriend: HE SEEMED SO TRUSTWORTHY

Me: You can't even rely on a man who sold his soul to the devil anymore

And with that he shoots Ishmael several times killing him

Me: And he was just THREE DAYS AWAY from retirement....

My Girlfriend: Nemo had given him a boat of his very own called the Live 4 Ever

Back at the graveyard Quatermain is looking for the Fantom still...when he basically pounces on him from nowhere

Me: THE FANTOM ATTACKED WITH TACKLE

My Girlfriend: ITS NOT VERY EFFECTIVE!

The two grapple for a bit with Quatermain getting stabbed in the shoulder

Me: Our villain who earlier couldn't outrun a seventy year old man, now struggles to overpower one

My Girlfriend: I can see why he leaves most of the fighting to his henchmen

Quatermain knocks the Fantom's mask off but...whats this?

He's wearing a mask UNDER his mask!

My Girlfriend: I really hope that after he takes this mask off he reveals that underneath it is yet another mask

Me: What follows is a montage of him taking off increasingly ridiculous disguises

Quatermain is shocked to see that the Fantom...is M!

Me: AND HE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT TOO...

My Girlfriend: If it weren't for that Meddling Alan Quatermain!

M flees and Quatermain manages to throw a knife into his shoulder as he does so

Me: An eye for an eye...and a shoulder wound for a shoulder wound

My Girlfriend: A shoulder wound for a shoulder wound leaves the whole world with wounded shoulders

Me: SUCH WISE WORDS

We cut back to the Nautilus where Quatermain limps his way back

Quatermain: The Fantom is M!

And the hunt is still on!

Jeckyll: What are you talking about?

Quatermain: THE FANTOM IS M!

Me: "AND THE HUNT IS STILL ON!"

My Girlfriend: There is no way out of here...it'll be dark soon...there is no way out of here...

Quatermain asks where the others are and its at that point that Mina shows up with her hair down and looking pretty chipper as she declares Dorian is "Missing in action"

My Girlfriend: "He's definitely not in the Nautilus right now, murdering one of the captains friends"

Me: "What an odd thing to say...

My Girlfriend: I do question how it is that after turning into a flock of bats and feasting on the living Mina still looks like she just walked off the set of a shampoo commercial

Me: Her hair is nicer than mine ;-;

And I hardly ever turn into bats and kill people

My Girlfriend: Wait, hardly ever....

Quatermain asks about Sawyer and he just kind of...strolls on screen declaring he'll "Live to fight another day"

My Girlfriend: And that's all the explanation we get for how he survived being crushed by a car and then blown up

Me: I like to think he was lurking around the corner this whole time just waiting for a good line to make his entrance on

Mina goes over to check on Sawyer who justifiably looks a little nervous but she reassures him she's "Had her fill of throats for the evening"

Me: I feel like Sawyer would actually be pretty okay with Mina biting his neck

My Girlfriend: Mina looks thirsty for something ELSE here

Me: "Some may say I'm robbing the cradle...but technically he's robbing the grave!"

And its at that point that Ishmael, somehow not dead yet, just kind of lurches out of the ship

Me: Its a good thing he's been shot so many times he's built up an immunity to bullets!

My Girlfriend: He can't die until he fulfils his function as a plot device

Ishmael reveals to the crew that Dorian is actually the traitor, not the Invisible Man

Me: Sure is lucky for them that Dorian is one of those really lackadaisical murderers who doesn't bother to make sure the person he shot is actually dead

Otherwise he'd never have warned them of this

My Girlfriend: Once again Dorian is foiled by his slipshod approach to murder

Me: You can't half-ass these things Dorian

There's a weird noise from somewhere on the Nautilus

"What is that?"

"THE SOUND OF TREACHERY"

Me: "Okay but could you give us a more coherent explanation"

My Girlfriend: "That really doesn't clear anything up for us"

It turns out that Dorian is stealing an "Exploration pod" from the Nautilus that basically looks like a Giant Sea Orb

Me: DORIANS MAKING HIS ESCAPE INSIDE PAC MAN

My Girlfriend: THE FIEND

Dorian does take the time to open the hatch to blow everyone a mocking kiss...

Me: If only someone on the team had something that fired dangerous projectiles at a high rate of speed at him right now

While he is just sat there posing

My Girlfriend: SURE WOULD COME IN HANDY

Me: But such a thing surely does not exist and we totally haven't seen not one but two characters in this film use them only minutes ago

Dorian nyooms off like a wagon wheel...

Me: "ASSHOLE-MOBILE AWAY!"

My Girlfriend: "Remember us as we are now Dorian...FILLED WITH MURDEROUS RAGE"

Quatermain asks Nemo if he can track the pod and a furious Nemo declares "I MEAN TO CATCH IT"

Me: TIME FOR AN UNDERWATER CHASE SCENE

My Girlfriend: I love how they managed to knock down EVEN MORE OF VENICE as they left

Me: "Leaving rubble and shattered lives in their wake, our heroes bravely jet off in pursuit of murderous vengeance"

Heading into his conference room Nemo points at a Silver Thing on the wall declaring "That is us"

Me: "Nemo that's a wall"

My Girlfriend: "I think he might have hit his head when we were blowing up Venice"

But no apparently the silver...thing shows the position of the Nautilus and the the "Nautiloid" that Dorian escaped in

"We will be upon them soon"

Me: NEMO INVENTED RADAR IN 1890

My Girlfriend: The truth that the history books don't want you to know about

Sawyer asks Mina if she's okay and she says that she's just "A little shaken"

Me: "I am overcome with womanly emotion!"

When suddenly....

Me: What is that godawful whining sound...

My Girlfriend: I know he's annoying but there's no need to talk about Sawyer's voice like that

But no of course not what we actually refer to is the presence of a weird high pitched noise...the source of which is apparently a record that one of Nemo's sailors has found

Me: Dorian left them with his bands demo album to remember him by

My Girlfriend: "I know I betrayed you all but I'd really appreciate your feedback"

Me: He's hoping to drop the hottest album of 1900

"Captain!

We found this!"

"A recording disk?"

So of course Nemo plays it

Me: "Well it was left here by a man who betrayed us all and murdered my friend so I don't see how it could possibly be a trap"

My Girlfriend: "There's surely no harm in playing a recording left behind by an immortal fiend"

As they play it they are greeted by the sight of our old friend M

Me: FOCUS!

FOCUS!

M declares that if they're watching this then everything has gone as planned

My Girlfriend: "And you really are all as stupid as I thought you were..."

Dorian lounges in the background telling them that by now he's sure they know he's "no loyal son of the empire"

Me: Darth Vader is going to force choke him so hard

My Girlfriend: Probably not the first time he'll have been choked by a man in black leather

Dorian goes on to reveal that he's working with M because he has "Possession of something very dear to my heart...something I'd do anything to regain"

Me: "My mint condition collection of original Beanie Babies"

My Girlfriend: "The fiend stole them all"

As they watch Jeckyll reacts oddly but brushes it off as his ears just hurting...

Me: Hmmmmm I wonder if thats foreshadowing

My Girlfriend: Crude, clumsy foreshadowing...

M talks about how everything has been "Misdirection" including "The assasins in Keeeenyaaaahhhh"

Me: I'm sorry, KEEN-YAH?

Is that anything at all like KENYA?

Which is the ACTUAL place the assassins attacked Quatermain

My Girlfriend: "Uh, Director?

I messed up that line I...I completely mangled the pronunciation of Kenya...are we...we're not doing another take?

We're still rolling?

Okay sure whatever"

M goes on to reveal that the conference didn't exist

Me: WAIT THEN WHY THE HELL DID HE BLOW UP VENICE

My Girlriend: WHAT WAS THE POINT OF ANY OF THIS

He also reveals that the league doesn't exist and the whole thing was "A ruse"

Me: OF COURSE

ITS SO SIMPLE

My Girlfriend: No wait...its needlessly complicated and convoluted

Me: His ridiculously circuitous plan is three quarters complete!

He explains that his real goal when bringing the league together was to wield "The greatest weapons of them all...the league itself"

Me: Which would make sense if it weren't for the fact that only three members of the league actually have powers

My Girlfriend: Well Connery has the power to somehow not have perished from alcohol poisoning...

As M explains his plan Hyde pleads with Jeckyll through his reflection to "Turn it off Henry...please turn it off..."

Me: That's a common reaction people had to this film by this point in the narrative

My Girlfriend: "Turn it off...please turn it off" is actually what Alan Moore said when he made the mistake of watching this

M goes on to explain that to accomplish his goal he set "The wolf among you sheep"

And then, I am not making it up, the camera cuts to Dorian just so he can say "GROWL"

My Girlfriend: So that ACTUALLY happened

Me: Someone was paid to write this script

Someone was paid actual money

Dorian explains how he set about stealing the secrets of Nemo's science, Jeckyll's potion, and blood samples from the Invisible Man and Mina

Me: (In Quatermain's voice) "But what did you steal from me?"

My Girlfriend: (As Dorian) "I stole your whiskey"

Me: (as Quatermain) "I'LL BLOODY KILL YOU YA BASTARD"

M explains that the way he sees it its a win win for him because if they don't save Venice he wins and if they do well he's still got the stuff he stole from them

My Girlfriend: He's got a very glass half full approach to evil plans

Me: It's good he doesn't let setbacks get him down

M also says that one way or another a world war will happen as its inevitable

Me: I mean

Again

He's not actually wrong about that

My Girlfriend: History kind of agrees with him on this one

"Now some of you...perhaps Quatermain if he isn't dead...may be wondering why I'm telling you all this. What fool reveals his strategy before the game is over?"

Me: "In the game of chess, you must never let your opponent see your pieces"

"It is over...for you"

My Girlfriend: "I’m not a Republic Serial villain...do you really think I'd reveal my plan if you had any way of stopping me?"

Me: WRONG ALAN MOORE STORY BABE

M reveals that while he's been talking a signal has been broadcasting "Audible only to dogs and other lower animals..."

Me: Sick burn on Hyde there

My Girlfriend: Your already going to kill them there's no need to insult them while your at it

A signal that is being picked up by crystal sensors

"Sensors attached to bombs"

"BOMB VOYAGE"

Me: Imagine dying with that being the last thing you ever heard

My Girlfriend: Even if Dorian wasn't a villain I'd want to kill him just for making me hear that

Me: Can I also point out...what would have happened if the league had actually had the common sense NOT to play the record

MY Girlfriend: M knows them well enough to know no one on this team possesses common sense

And as Nemo smashes the record player the camera just kind of...zooms around the ship

Me: THE CAMERA MAN IS TRYING TO FLEE THE FILM

My Girlfriend: "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TAKE US WITH YOU"

The camera shows where the bombs are "Hidden"

Me: Okay NO ONE saw those?

Not one person on this well crewed ship spotted these very obvious explosives?

My Girlfriend: But they’re so cunningly concealed just sitting there in plain sight!

And the bombs go off!

Me: I have a SINKING FEELING that the league are in some HOT WATER right now

My Girlfriend: Why

Why do you say these things Samantha

Nemo declares that the ship is taking in too much water

My Girlfriend: Connery is horrified....he always hoped he'd drown in VODKA not something non alcoholic...

As the ship floods Jeckyll looks into the mirror to see Hyde talking to him again

"We can do it Henry!"

"What are you talking about?!"

"You know we can do it! Together!"

Me: THAT'S LEWD

My Girlfriend: This is hardly the time or place for that Hyde

Me: And how would that even WORK

Jeckyll runs down to where some of Nemo's crew are trying to seal a flooded section of the ship...

My Girlfriend: Kind of feels like locking the stable door after the horse has bolted...

And Jeckyll jumps into the flooded section while chugging his potion like he's effing Popeye

Me: HE'S STRONGERS THAN THE OCEANS

'CAUSE HE DRINKS HIS POTIONS

My Girlfriend: HE'S JECKYLL THE SAILOR MAN

Me: DOOT DOOT

Hyde sinks into the water with some truly grotesque transformation effects

Me: THAT CANNOT BE HEALTHY

My Girlfriend: HIS POOR BONES

And begins pulling a switch to...do...a thing (I do not know anything about boats okay)

Me: Hyde apparently is immune to water pressure and needing to breathe because he is large

My Girlfriend: He's immune because he's made entirely of unconvincing early 2000's CGI

Me: THAT EXPLAINS IT

Hyde succeeds and the chamber begins venting water which I guess solves everything?

Me: I was pretty sure that a LOT of the ship was blown up but I guess it was just this one room?

My Girlfriend: M didn't count on the League possessing the skill or intelligence to flip a switch

Me: I'd say he underestimated them but honestly that sounds like a fair assessment to me given how they've done so far...

And Jeckyll's reflection gives Hyde a proud "Well done Edward!" and Hyde looks kind of proud that his Good Self is proud of him?

Me: Awwwwwww?

Maybe?

My Girlfriend: I guess this totally makes up for all the serial killing he did

Me: Saving this pirate crew is more than enough to atone for the brutal murder of many many innocent people

Back in Nemo's conference room his crew is, hilariously, putting all the furniture back where it was before the ship nearly blew up...

Me: "I know you all almost died but that is no excuse to leave this place looking like a pig sty"

My Girlfriend: "I have guests for Kali's sake, I won't have them thinking I don't keep my home tidy!"

Jeckyll comes back up and gets a thumbs up from Quatermain (That Actually Happens) and replies to this by

"Let's not make a saint out of a sinner...next time we may not be so lucky"

Me: Sorry it's too late for that Henry

Your an awkward marginally attractive white man and you did a Sort of Good Thing...the fandom will now proceed to write one thousand fanfics about how you and Hyde are actually a Tortured Woobie who just Needs The Love of a Good Self Insert to become a Good Person

My Girlfriend: Get ready for a lot of discourse on Victorian Era TV Tropes about how your an Anti Villain now

Me: I do have to wonder...why would Hyde actually do this?

I mean the league shot at him, drugged him, chained him up, insulted BOTH his forms and his only interaction with Nemo was him basically saying "I will cut you bitch"

My Girlfriend: Clearly its because he's a Troubled Bad Boy with a Heart of Gold Deep Down

Me: JECKYLL IN LEATHER PANTS

Jeckyll wants to know if they can still follow Gray

"We were the faster...now we're the tortoise to his hare"

Me: Okay so from that line we can conclude that Alan Quatermain has never actually read the Tortoise and the Hare because he seems to think the hare wins...

Everyone's pretty despondent about this because I guess they haven't read the story either but then Sawyer pipes up that Gray and M will both think the league is dead so they now have the advantage of surprise on their side...Mina gives him A Look

My Girlfriend: Why does she look turned on by that

Me: I think she's just amazed that Sawyer actually said something that wasn't glaringly obvious or mindnumbingly stupid

My Girlfriend: "My god he might have a brain after all..."

They also learn that their getting a message in morse code! And hurry to the Morse Code Room

Me: "RECEIVING INCOMING PLOT DEVELOPMENT"

"What does it say?"

"Hello my Freaky Darlings"

"Skinner?"

My Girlfriend: "Only one person we know speaks in that atrocious Mockney nonsense!"

Me: Is "Freaky Darlings" even faux cockney at all?

It sounds more like something a cabaret host would greet the crowd with

My Girlfriend: Don't question the accuracy of this films Cockney Accents

The Invsible Cockney gives them the information they need to follow the ship and says he's hiding on it along with Dorian Gray and M...

Me: OKAY HOLD THE GODDAMN PHONE

We saw that ship

That ship was TINY

There MIGHT be room for M as well as Dorian if M is literally sitting on his lap...

My Girlfriend: Which Dorian would not object to

Me: But you cannot tell me that there is room for anyone, invisible or not, to hide on that ship

WHERE IS HE HIDING

HOW IS HE HIDING

My Girlfriend: I think your expecting too much logic from this films narrative kitten

Me: I just want there to be ANY logic to it

My Girlfriend: Exactly

So they set off and we get a montage of Jeckyll and Mina patching up the wounded and Sawyer just kind of wandering around

My Girlfriend: There gonna need a montage

Me: OOOOOOOO IT TAKES A MONTAGE

"Good work...all of you"

Me: "Except you Sawyer, not really sure what you did"

My Girlfriend: "You don't seem to have actually contributed to the plot at all at this point"

Nemo explains that they're heading for the Sinister Frozen Wasteland of Mongolia

Me: Time to start getting down to business, people

And adds that it's almost totally inaccessible...

My Girlriend: "Inaccessible to anyone without Bullshit Main Character Powers"

Me: The greatest powers of them all

So the Nautilus just full on smashes through the ice...

Me: I feel like they may have lost the element of surprise

My Girlfriend: SURELY NOT

And the team checks out the frozen terrain through binoculars

Me: They're making sure they don't have to worry about any Armoured Bears...they don't have Lyra around to help them here

My Girlfriend: Lyra would have sorted this shit out far sooner

Me: And she'd have known not to trust Dorian effing Gray

They spot some settlements, all abandoned and I swear to god Mina actually asks "Why deserted?"

My Girlfriend: ITS A REAL MYSTERY ALRIGHT

Me: its almost like there was an international criminal with a private army of bloodthirsty mercenaries occupying this place...

They head off to look for where M is hiding in....

Me: ITS THE ARCTIC ACTION LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN ACTION FIGURE VARIANTS!

COLLECT THEM ALL

My Girlfriend: it sure is handy that Nemo just happened to have survival gear for arctic terrain on the ship

Me: And that it all just happened to be in the right sizes to fit the team

My Girlfriend: WHAT A STROKE OF LUCK

And they come to and I swear this is true, an actual fuckin castle that M has had built here...a castle with JETS OF FLAME shooting from parts of it

"M's summer retreat..."

Me: "THIS IS DEFINITELY THE FINAL STAGE ALRIGHT"

My Girlfriend: "I know a boss level when I see one

And that is definitely a boss level"

Me: Just imagine how long this place took to build

JUST IMAGINE THE LOGISTICS OF THIS

My Girlfriend: WHO BUILT THIS

HOW DID THEY BUILD THIS

WHY ARE THEIR TURRETS OF FLAME

Me: It's previous owner was a very angry turtle with a habit of kidnapping blonde princesses

The Invisible Man isn't there yet so they decide to wait...and we cut to...them all just sitting around silently in a cave...

Me: "So should we use this to...develop our characters?

Build some camaraderie?

Have anything approaching a well written moment here?"

My Girlfriend: "NO THAT WOULD BE FOOLISH

INSTEAD LET US JUST SIT PERFECTLY STILL IN ABSOLUTE SILENCE"

Me: WAITING AT ITS BEST FOLKS

Quatermain is sat outside the cave with his hunting rifle....

Me: Its going to be awkward when they find out he's frozen in place out there

My Girlfriend: So the team has a vampire and a much younger, fitter man on it...but they make the seventy year old alcoholic with bad eyesight go sit out in the middle of a snowstorm to wait for the Invisible Man to show up

While they all sit around by the fire

Me: CLEARLY THE ONLY LOGICAL CHOICE

And what should appear through the snow but...

Me: A KITTEH

My Girlfriend: A tiger, Samantha

Me: A SNOW KITTEH

I'mma pet it

My Girlfriend: IT WILL EAT YOU

Yes a tiger just kind of pads up to Quatermain and he points his gun at it....

Me: NOOOOOOO DON'T SHOOT THE KITTEH

My Girlfriend: "AI CAN HAZ MERCY?"

And Quatermain decides not to murder an innocent animal and instead just lets it run off

Me: He might be a drunken misogynist but he doesn't shoot animals for fun so I guess that's Something

My Girlfriend: Truly a redeeming moment

Nemo and Mina come out to see what's happening and Quatermain says it was nothing

Now you might think that the film will actually display some subtlety here but nope Nemo sees the tiger and replies with "Just an old tiger, facing the end"

Me: Well done movie

You had a real chance there for an understated character moment and you boldly decided "We will be having none of THAT nonsense in our film"

My Girlfriend: God forbid that the slightest trace of subtlety or nuance be allowed to exist in this films blunt narrative

Quatermain muses that perhaps this wasn't the "Old tigers" day to die after all

My Girlfriend: "Perhaps it had unwisely signed on to a two picture deal and was going to come back for the sequel"

And then to lighten the mood here's Mina having her ass grabbed!

Me: THE INVISIBLE SEXUAL HARASSER

My Girlfriend: HE IS SUCH A CHEEKY RASCAL, GOING AROUND GROPING WOMEN WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT

Me: Sadly that is pretty much the one in character thing they kept from the comics

"Get a grip Skinner!"

"I thought I just was!"

My Girlfriend: Sexual harassment is Highly Amusing!

Me: He lurks around naked and fondles people but its Funny because he does it while speaking in a Cheeky Cockney Accent

My Girlfriend: Invisible Boys Will Be Boys

The Invisible Creeper asks if he can come in to put some clothes on reminding them that he's naked...

Me: COVER UR INVISIBLE MANHOOD

"I can't feel any of my extremities and I do mean any of them"

My Girlfriend: I don't like

Anything about that

Me: THANKS WE HATE IT

Clothed once more he talks about how everyone was too suspicious of him aboard the ship so he knew no one would believe him about Dorian being the spy...

Me: Suspicious?

Of a decent and trustworthy guy like him?

My Girlfriend: How can they fail to trust a man who runs around grabbing women’s asses and lurking in peoples bedrooms naked at night

Me: HE'S THE SALT OF THE EARTH

He then proceeds to start basically giving a Speed Run Through of M's Evil Fortress as the scene cuts to extremely dogy CGI and scenes of M's fortress and army

Me: "Okay now listen close while I give you this play through of the whole level"

My Girlfriend: No cheat codes though!

He says that M keeps the scientists working "Night and day" with their families imprisoned "The men work..or the women and children die"

My Girlfriend: I guess in addition to wanting to start a World War M is also a sexist?

Me: I am pretty sure even in the 1800's Women Scientists existed

My Girlfriend: Apparently not there is Mina and that is it no one else

Nemo declares this is "monstrous..."

Me: He can't believe that the mass murderer who tried to blow them all up is a BAD person

My Girlfriend: I mean to be fair almost the entire team is made up of mass murderers as well

Me: True, their morality is a little skewed

And the Invisible Man explains that M is working to duplicate the leagues powers making "Invisible spies, an army of Hyde's, vampire assasins..."

Me: "An unstoppable legion of iron-livered Sean Connery clones, ready to descend on every tavern, public house and speak easy the world over and drink them dry"

My Girlfriend: There won't be a single drop of whiskey left by the time they're done

Jeckyll dramatically announces he "Won't let my evil infect the world" which Mina agrees with

Me: "I won't let anyone else evilly rescue entire boatloads of people from death!"

My Girlfriend: I feel like this is a Show Don't Tell problem here

We're TOLD Hyde is a monster...on screen however all he's done is get chased across rooftops and be helpful

Me: Likewise with Mina her whole "Vampiric Curse" thing actually seems like a pretty sweet gig...

The Invisible Gamer says that if bombs were to be planted throughout the factory they could blow the whole place sky high....

Me: Just be warned if the guards spot you the level is over

My Girlfriend: You have to go hide under a cardboard box and that tricks them somehow

The Invisible Man volunteers and we get...

"Skinner...I never knew you were such a bare faced liar..."

Me: I don't want him to be a bare ANYTHING

"All this time, pretending you weren't a hero"

My Girlfriend: He's the most noble ass grabber that ever lived

Me: A ROLE MODEL

My Girlfriend: He is an odd fellow but he Steams A Good Ham

"You'll make me blush! Besides, any more like me and I'll lose the franchise..."

Me: I'm pretty sure this franchise is ALREADY a lost cause...

The team are all geared up to take down M but Quatermain cautions them that they HAVE to take him alive to "Discover his secrets"

Me: What...what secrets exactly?

He literally explained his entire plan and how he did it

HE MADE A FILM ABOUT IT AND THEY WATCHED IT

What secrets do they need to uncover

My Girlfriend: He knows what someone would do for a Klondike bar

Me: DEAR GOD

Mina is adamant that Gray absolutely will be killed though stating "He's lived long enough"

My Girlfriend: "I've lived long enough" was also something Connery was fond of muttering to himself during the filming of this very movie....

Me: Mina needs her Revenge on That One Guy who she knew for a brief time and then didn't see for years, then hooked up with once because she has a blood fetish

His betrayal was sharper than a serpents tooth!

My Girlfriend: She is full of rage that the man she repeatedly said was untrustworthy turned out to be untrustworthy

Quatermain says he and Sawyer will capture M while Nemo and Hyde free the prisoners

Me: "The rampaging monster man can be left in charge of the terrified women and children.

Meanwhile the leagues two most powerless members will capture the diabolical mastermind"

My Girlfriend: I can see why he's team leader, with great judgement calls like that

We cut to M's Final Stage Lair where one of the guards is battered by the Invisible Man who...

My Girlfriend: How is he not getting hypothermia from being naked in all that snow?

Me: Invisibility magically protects you from frostbite its a Known Fact

Also Mina is Made of Bats again and she swarms toward the castle...

Me: And when the people all stop and stare

And ask her why she's gotta be like that

She looks them in the eye and bites them in the thigh

And kicks them in the ass where the sun don't shine

My Girlfriend: SHE LOOKS THEM IN THE EYE AND TELLS THEM SHE WAS RAISED BY BATS

In M's parlour, Dorian is talking about how he now gets his picture back in return for betraying the league

Me: He's going to be horrified to learn that M has actually just given him a portrait of dogs playing poker

M asks what Dorian plans next and he says he plans to head back to London...

My Girlfriend: "Maybe it's because I'm a londoner but I love London so..."

And adds that he's had his fill of violence and now he's in the mood for vice

Me: He's finally going to finish his Lets Play of Vice City

My Girlfriend: His subscribers will be overjoyed

M tells Dorian that he could stay and work with him and "Share my dream"

Me: "Are...are you coming onto me right now?"

My Girlfriend: "Secretly I'm actually Very Lonely"

Me: "It's hard to make friends when your an eccentric madman living in a castle in a frozen hell"

Dorian won't join any club that would have him though and tells M that he's lived to see "Empires crumble"

My Girlfriend: Does M actually WANT an empire though?

Me: It kind of just seems like he wants to make money selling Magical WMD's to assholes

My Girlfriend: That’s not really an empire

Dorian tells M that there are no exceptions to this rule

Me: Wait also hold on "Empires crumble?"

Dorian at this point is

AT MOST

In his eighties

When the fuck has he seen "Empires Crumble"?

He's not fuckin Vandal Savage, he hasn't been around for thousands of years or anything... he's a bored victorian weirdo who sold his soul to satan so he could keep his Boyish Good Looks

"You think your better than me..."

Me: The role of M will now be played by an alcoholic single father having a mid-life crisis...

"But you forget...I've seen your painting"

Dorian makes a face

My Girlfriend: "I've seen how bad your art skills are"

Me: "I KNOW YOU CAN'T DRAW FEET"

Elsewhere in the Lair the League arrives, flanked by some of Nemo's red shir....I mean um, soldiers

Me: Probably goes without saying but I should mention that all these men have just three days left until retirement....

My Girlfriend: I swear to god Samantha....

And we then get the Weirdest Effing Scene where Hyde (EDWARD HYDE OF ALL PEOPLE) basically brings the team in for a Group Huddle where they all put their hands in together

Me: GOOD HUDDLE TEAM

My Girlfriend: "Team...there's a little injured boy counting on us to win this...I know because...I injured him myself to inspire you"

Me: "I HOPE THEY WIN

OR MR HYDE SAYS HE'S COMING BACK"

The team all share an awkward moment....

Me: If we'd gotten a single scene extablishing anything like an emotional bond between these characters this scene might mean something

My Girlfriend: Whats important is they're pumped up to win the Big Game

Quatermain and Sawyer head off to look for M, having a little difficulty navigating the place as they do

Me: "IT LOOKS LIKE YOU DON'T HAVE A MAP OF THIS AREA"

My Girlfriend: Check your inventory!

They also spot the captured scientists but Quatermain says that's Nemo's job

Me: His "Can't someone else do it" approach to saving innocent lives is what's made him a hero of legend

My Girlfriend: Awe inspiring, really

They continue to explore an increasingly familiar looking lair...

Me: I swear to god this is the final level from Timesplitters: Future Perfect

My Girlfriend: Hopefully that means a steampunk robot is about to burst out of one of those crates and fight them

Me: THAT WOULD MAKE THIS WHOLE MOVIE WORTH IT

The Invisible Man is planting some cartoonish looking sticks of dynamite around the place...

My Girlfriend: Did he buy these from Marvin Acme?

Me: "One previous owner who returned them after they failed to help them catch the Road Runner..."

Nemo and co knock out some more of M's guards....

Me: I love how they literally dressed M's goons up as stormtroopers just in case we needed a handy visual clue that These Are The Bad Guys

My Girlfriend: The film is so morally complex, they were worried they were being Just Too Subtle For Us

Me: I definitely never would have guessed that the bloodthirsty mercenaries working for the diabolical megalomaniac were Bad People without this useful visual shorthand

Nemo frees the prisoners....

Me: Unfortunately now he's going to have to do a sidequest where he has to safeguard them all the way to the exit point of this level

My Girlfriend: And he loses points for every one of them that he fails to keep alive

Me: Too many and he gets the Bad Ending

Quatermain and Sawyer find M's private rooms where...for No Reason That Makes Sense...we get a scene of M...having his mustache shaved off????

Me: "Finally

I no longer look like a Vincent Price cosplayer"

My Girlfriend: Can I ask

WHY does the movie make such a big deal about his mustache being removed?

Why is this treated like a plotpoint?

Me: I genuinely choose to believe that the mustache was part of his disguise as M when he was pretending to work for the British government

He's going to stroll into the House of Lords tomorrow and at first they'll be like "Ah look its good old M, our loyal friend...WAIT A MOMENT

HE HASN'T GOT A MUSTACHE!"

My Girlfriend: "THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE!"

Me: "WE HAVE FALLEN FOR A CLEVER RUSE!

HE'S NOT M AT ALL!

HE'S A MAN WITHOUT PROPER FACIAL HAIR!"

My Girlfriend: I hate this but I also hope your right

M's Dramatic Mustache Shaving is interrupted by...some guy....??????

My Girlfriend: Sure movie, less than thirty minutes left in your run time now's a great time to introduce a new character...

Me: I THINK he's the henchmen who told the Fantom/M to run back at Dorian's house?

Which

Like

Not to spoil the big twist but given who M is PROBABLY means this guy is Sebastian Moran

My Girlfriend: I feel he lacks the Hulking Presence of Vinnie Jones

Me: well most people do…

This excited Hench-friend says that he has M's "Box of tricks" for him...

Me: "I MUSTACHE YOU TO CALM DOWN"

My Girlfriend: "HA

IT WAS WORTH IT FOR THAT PUN"

He talks about how they have Jeckyll's potion, "The Indians" science...

My Girlfriend: "The indian"?

REALLY??????

Me: HE HAS A NAME DUDE

And brings up how M is going to be super popular in Europe now

Me: "People in Europe LOVE boxes of invisible skin and vampire blood...we're just weird like that"

My Girlfriend: I'm starting to think with all this vague talk about selling weapons to "Europe" that this whole film was financed by the Brexit Party

Me: "BEWARE THE EU

THEY'RE SENDING EVIL MASTERMINDS TO STEAL THE SECRETS OF OUR INVISIBLE MAN SCIENCE"

Over with Nemo and his crew the alarm has been raised and he tells Hyde that they're in for some trouble

"Trouble?

I CALL IT SPORT"

Me: Hyde's approach to sport is almost as brutal and violent as Wayne Rooney's or your average high school hockey team

One of M's soldiers rushes in to tell him that the league has infiltrated the base....

My Girlfriend: (In a fake accent almost as ridiculous as the soldiers) "BOY VHEN ZINGS GO WRONG..."

An annoyed M wonders "How many times must I kill these cretins?!"

Me: I mean he only actually thought that he'd killed them ONCE so far...

My Girlfriend: Okay but once is normally the maximum number of times you have to kill someone

M's hench-friend along with some regular henchmen and a....THING...

Me: Okay what the hell is that?

My Girlfriend: It appears to be the robot from Devil Girl from Mars

Me: Does that mean that somewhere in this building is a hot space woman in black leather

My Girlfriend: WE CAN ONLY HOPE

All open fire on Nemo with Probably! Sebastian Moran getting pretty joyful about the whole thing

Me: I know he's a villain but I like the Sheer Joy this guy seems to take in his job

My Girlfriend: Look at him go

This is a man who Truly Loves Shooting People

Me: When you love what you do you never work a day in your life

And soon all of their shots are mowing down his crew but somehow Completely Missing Nemo who is standing perfectly still and not even trying to dodge or shield himself

Me: it's a good thing Nemo is a main character

Or he might be in quite a lot of danger here

My Girlfriend: Luckily all of these soldiers have strict instructions not to shoot anyone with a name or a backstory until the dramatic finale

Hyde uses a big metal door as a shield and tells Nemo to get the scientists...

Me: Does...does Hyde even NEED a shield?

I mean...can gunfire HURT this thing?

My Girlfriend: I think he just likes the aesthetic

And in a fairly legitimately bad ass moment Nemo basically starts Slicing His Way through all of M's soldiers who are guarding said scientists

Me: Okay

That is pretty awesome

My Girlfriend: Nemo gets shit done

Me: Why is he not in charge of the League again?

My Girlfriend: It's the 1890's Samantha

Me: Ah that's right, racism ;-;

He kicks a ridiculous amount of ass, it must be said...

My Girlfriend: I feel like M is not getting his moneys worth from these henchmen

Me: The pen is mightier than the sword but the sword is mightier than the gun

Back in his Shave Cave, M is staring thoughtfully at his old Fantom mask when....

Me: "Seems like only yesterday I was...running around Graveyards pretending to be Russian and trying to blow up Venice..."

My Girlfriend: "Where DOES the time go..."

And all of a sudden Quatermain has a gun to his head and tells him the game is over "M...or should I say...Professor...JAMES...MORIARTY"

Me: WHAT A TWIST!

WHAT A TWIST THAT COMES RIGHT THE FUCK OUT OF NOWHERE

My Girlfriend: So was Moriarty in the comics or...

Me: He actually was so this is actually one of the few things that was accurately copied from the League comic book here...though in the comic there were two villains and the other villain was Fu Manchu

My Girlfriend: ....

I'm really not sorry that they DIDN'T use Fu Manchu in this film

Me: Yeah Alan Moore's writing is...hit and miss

My Girlfriend: USING FU MANCHU IS A MISS

Me: it is definitely a miss

"James Moriarty...the so called Napoleon of Crime? That man died at Reichenbach Falls..."

My Girlfriend: "Wait so your not Moriarty?"

Me: "Then who the hell are you...I thought I had this whole plot thing figured out..."

"He died...and I was reborn..."

Me: "Oh so you ARE Moriarty and your...a zombie?"

My Girlfriend: "I FIGURATIVELY died and was METAPHORICALLY reborn..."

Me: "Well look you could be more clear about these things"

He nearly kills Quatermain when a henchmen lunges at him with a handy blade but Sawyer saves his life...

Me: Quatermain now owes his life to TOM SAWYER

My Girlfriend: "Alan Quatermain owes his life to Tom Sawyer"

Phrases I didn't expect to hear when I woke up today...

"Eyes open boy...I can't protect you all the time"

Me: HAHAHAHA IT IS A CALLBACK TO EARLIER WHEN QUATERMAIN SAID THAT TO HIM

My Girlfriend: It's almost like this was a real movie with narrative and plot development!

Over with Dorian he's getting ready to leave...

Me: So...how is he planning to get back to London?

My Girlfriend: Who wants to tell him you can't just walk there from Mongolia

When who should appear behind him but Mina!

In her new Sexier Outfit...

Me: Well it may not be the Devil Girl from Mars

But there WAS a woman in black leather lurking around the castle

My Girlfriend: When did she change into that and why

Me: It's a law that all Lady Vampire Heroes have to dress in Sexy Black Leather

Bloodrayne...Selene...I could go on...

My Girlfriend: I'm sure you could...

Dorian is surprised Mina is alive and she brings up how she can't die...

My Girlfriend: "Except through a stake through the heart, or beheading, or silver, or garlic, or...."

Me: "Okay maybe that wasn't strictly accurate"

Mina decides that Dorian is well overdue for an asskicking and lunges at him

Me: YES FUCK HIM UP

My Girlfriend: He deserves to die just for that "Bomb Voyage" line earlier

"Do you know what you've let out of me?"

"A WOMANS WRAAAARRTTTHHHH?"

Me: Who could have guessed that a character based on Oscar Wilde would be a misogynist

My Girlfriend: TRULY SHOCKING

Dorian slashes Mina across the face with his Sword Cane and she does this...weird sexy hair flip as her face heals

Me: Mina temporarily got confused and thought she was in a pantene pro v commercial there

My Girlfriend: The v stands for VAMPIRE

"We'll be at this all day..."

My Girlfriend: it already feels like this fight has been going on all day...

Me: Oh don't worry we have EVEN MORE of this scene to look forward to yet

They continue to fight and Dorian brings up that they're in "The bedroom...does it bring back memories...or ideas???"

Me: Look, movie you are not going to convince us this man is heterosexual

My Girlfriend: We've accepted a LOT of bullshit from you movie but that is asking too damn much

Mina says it gives her "Ideas"...and stabs Dorian right in the dick

Me: Mina does what we've all been wanting to do for much of this films duration

My Girlfriend: Mina is now the Most Relatable Person in this Film

Me: A TRUE HERO

Mina is momentarily distracted by the painting and Dorian stabs her in the chest!!!!

Me: OH NOOOOOOOO

I MEAN WE ALREADY KNOW SHE'S A VAMPIRE AND THAT WON'T KILL HER

BUT OH NO

My Girlfriend: I COMPLETELY BUY THAT SHE IS ACTUALLY DEAD AND THIS DEFINITELY IS NOT A FAKE OUT

"I was looking forward to NAILING you one last time...I didn't think it would be LITERALLY"

Me: ............

On the list of things this movie has made me hear with my own two ears

That might well be the worst

My Girlfriend: IT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE

Me: Right?

He didn't stab her with a nail he stabbed her with his Sword Cane Thing...

IT DOES NOT WORK AS A QUIP

My Girlfriend: He's clearly caught Bond One Liner Disease from Connery being on set around him so much

Me: AND THERE'S NO KNOWN CURE

Back with Quatermain and Sawyer they're chasing Moriarty through the building....

Me: Okay, Sawyer is a fit man in his twenties at the latest...Quatermain is older but has spent his whole life as an adventurer...yet NEITHER of them can catch a FIFTY YEAR OLD MATHEMATICS PROFESSOR

My Girlfriend: I dearly hope the next twenty minutes of the film are just them chasing him up and down corridoors like a Scooby Doo episode

Me: "Now let's see who the Fantom REALLY i...oh wait right it's Moriarty, we already knew that"

Sawyer bumps into an Invisible Person who he assumes is their old pal Rodney Skinner...

Me: And I'm sure it definitely is

My Girlfriend: After all the film didn't foreshadow Moriarty having invisible men of his own only ten minutes ago or anything

And yep sure enough the invisible not! Cockney asks "What makes you think I'm Skinner?"

Me: Well done at completely giving away the element of surprise there

My Girlfriend: Much more sensible than just stabbing him in the back while he thought he was safe

Me: A truly genius manoeuvre literally abandoning the ONE TACTICAL ADVANTAGE that being invisible gave you there

So the Invisible Villain starts wielding a blade at Sawyer and stabbing at his um...crotch

My Girlfriedn: What is it with this movie and dick stabbings

Me: "Dick Stabbings" sounds like the worst Porn Name ever, as a sidenote

My Girlfriend: Why....would you say that

JUST WHY

Sawyer shoots at everywhere EXCEPT the knife...

Me: If only he had some kind of target to aim at

That told him where the invisible killer was

My Girlfriend: Something they were HOLDING maybe

And after a brief scuffle the knife comes back at him looking basically like Floating Cutlery

Me: I can't believe these bastards ripped off the greatest horror writer of our age...Garth Marenghi...and copied his classic Dark Place episode "Hell Hath Fury" with this fight

My Girlfriend: HE SHOULD SUE

Me: He would if it weren't for the fact he's declared bankruptcy fifteen times in the last two years

The novels are NOT selling like they used to babe

And then as if things weren't going badly enough out lumbers one of those Weird Robot Men Things...

Me: "S T O P T H E H U M A N O I D"

My Girlfriend: He actually just wants to ask Sawyer if he saw a lion and a scarecrow go this way

Me: Trust me you...you really don't want to know what Alan Moore did with the Wizard of Oz characters

My Girlfriend: Do I want to know ANYTHING about what this man was involved in?

Me: Well I mean Top 10 was pretty good... mostly...

My Girlfriend: Mmmmmmmmm....

The Robot Dude just full on starts SETTING EVERYTHING ON FIRE

Me: I HEARD SOMEBODY SAY BURN BABY BURN

CASTLE INFERNO

My Girlfriend: BURN BABY BURN

BURN TOM SAWYER DOWN

Sawyer looks done for...

Me: Tom Sawyer is in a HEATED CONFLICT!

Will the Malevolent Moriarty make Mincemeat of our Merry Men?

TUNE IN NEXT TIME

SAMNE LEAGUE TIME

SAME LEAGUE CHANNEL

But then the Actual Invisible Man comes to his rescue! He causes the robot man to explode...

My Girlfriend: it sure is handy that he was just RIGHT WHERE HE NEEDED TO BE at exactly the right time to do this

Me: THIS PLOT IS MADE OF CONVENIENT THINGS

My Girlfriend: it saves the heroes the trouble of actually having to think their way out of anything...

However he gets set on fire for his trouble

Me: "OH GOD THATS RIGHT FIRE IS HOT"

Over with Hyde he's getting the hostages to safety and doing okay when Moran runs up and basically gets ready to throw hands...

Me: I feel like this is a bit of a one sided fight here

My Girlfriend: Not really a fair match up...

Hyde bitch-slaps him away...

My Girlfriend: So his punches can SHATTER BRICK

But this guy is totally unharmed by it

Me: He equipped a body armour power up before the fight began

But Moran grabs a beaker of Hyde's Monster Potion!

My Girlfriend: Sure is lucky that he landed RIGHT NEXT TO THAT

Me: And that it wasn't spilt or smashed or in any way damaged during all this fighting

My Girlfriend: And that they had beakers of monster potion just laying around to begin with

Me: SO FORTUNATE

And just like that he starts CHUGGING THE WHOLE THING DOWN while pouring it all over his face

My Girlfriend: DRINK MOTHERFUCKER DRINK

Me: Not only is he going to beat Hyde, he's totally going to get into that Fraternity he's pledging

"NO...not the WHOLE THING..."

Me: True fact: watching with dismay and letting out a horrified "No...not the whole thing"...is also how Hyde's actor reacted at the after-party when he saw Connery get his hands on a bottle of hard liquor

My Girlfriend: It's a reaction that Connery has seen MANY times

Back with Dorian, he's creeping around Mina's corpse....

Me: Yep she's definitely dead alright

My Girlfriend: I fully believe she is absolutely 100% dead

He pulls out his sword and turns his back on her...and she rises up behind him

Me: MY GOD

ITS LIKE SHE WAS SOME KIND OF SUPERNATURAL CREATURE

POSSIBLY A MUMMY

She grabs his sword and stabs him impaling him to the wall

My Girlfriend: We're going to get another fucking quip aren't we....

"You broke my heart once...this time you missed"

My Girlfriend: YAAAAYYYYYY THERE IT IS

Me: She was pretending to be dead for so long because she was thinking that up

Dorian is pinned like a butterfly and Mina grabs the portrait where its wrapped up in the corner

Me: HMMMMM

Where could this be going...

And says how Dorian wanted to meet his demons...

My Girlfriend: I AM MYSTIFIED AS TO HOW THIS MIGHT END

She unveils....

Me: That is a VERY unflattering portrait of Richard O-Brien right there

My Girlfriend: That or its Crypt Keeper fanart...

And Dorian just turns into a skeleton like he drunk from the Wrong Holy Grail

Me: MY GOD

ALL THIS TIME DORIAN WASN'T DORIAN GRAY AT ALL

HE WAS A SKELETON IN DISGUISE

My Girlfriend: AN IMPOSTOR

Me: Who knows how many other people might have SKELETONS HIDING INSIDE THEM

My Girlfriend: Its the kind of thing that keeps you up at night

Mina makes the Best Face in reaction to this

Me: That is pretty much how I would react too

My Girlfriend: "Of all the things I expected to happen when I did that...I didn't expect THAT"

Over with Sawyer, he's looking after a badly burnt Invisible Man who coughs out that that's "The last time I play with matches"

My Girlfriend: These after school specials have gotten dark

Me: Really taken a morbid turn here

But while Sawyer is checking on the Invisible Man the Invisible Villain is behind him with a knife!

Me: "SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER"

My Girlfriend: How was he not At All Burned by the ENTIRE ROOM BEING ON FIRE

Me: More to the point how the hell was Sawyer not harmed by the room EXPLODING

what is this kid made of...

Back with Quatermain he's still looking for Moriarty...

Me: "Where's Moriarty?"

Never really took off as a book series...

He spots what looks like and declares it's the "End of the line" and shoots at him...

My Girlfriend: Didn't he say they needed him alive?

Me: You can't question a corpse Alan

But its just a reflection in a mirror!

Me: Well that's seven years bad luck...

My Girlfriend: Given what Sean Connery's film career was like in the years leading up to this movie I think the bad luck was applied retroactively

Moriarty smashes Quatermain's rifle with a sword telling him that he'll need Mr Hyde to kill him...

Me: Only a superhuman being could stand a chance at killing a MATHS PROFESSOR

My Girlfriend: He has all the powers of a middle aged man with a knife!

But Quatermain says Hyde will be "Making his own fun"...

We cut to Hyde getting the crap beaten out of him

Me: Do you ever get tired of being wrong Alan...

My Girlfriend: "I'm sure he's doing fine and I haven't left my entire team to die"

Me: "Can you imagine..."

Hyde calls out to Nemo for help...

Me: Okay I like Nemo

I really do...he's probably the most likable character in the whole film...but...WHAT EXACTLY does Hyde think he'll be able to do to help here?

My Girlfriend: I don't see how he's going to stand much chance against this thing

Nemo rushes to his aid only for Hyde to then...tell him to run? whAt?????

Me: "BUT YOU JUST TOLD ME TO COME HERE TO HELP YOU!"

My Girlfriend: "You know how changable I can be"

And we are "Treated" to the sight of...of....

My Girlfriend: what am I seeing here

Me: WHAT ARE WE SEEING WITH OUR OWN TWO EYES

WHAT IS THIS

My Girlfriend: WHY DOES THIS EXIST

Nemo asks the very reasonable question of What The Actual Hell He's Seeing

Me: EVEN NEMO IS HORRIFIED

AND HE IS A MAN WHO HAS SEEN SOME SHIT

My Girlfriend: "THAT'S THE WORST CGI ATROCITY I'VE EVER SEEN"

And Hyde tells him it's "Me...on a bad day..."

Me: That or it's the Ultimate Warrior, here to teach them about Destrucity

My Girlfriend: IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN HIS DESTINY TO BE WHO HE NOW IS

The two Hyde's charge at each other...

Me: RAAAAWWWWWRRRRRRRRR

YOU CAN FEEL IT TOO

YOU CAN FEEL IT TOO

My Girlfriend: HE NEEDS NOT YOUR PROTECTION HOAK HOGAN

And we then get the two of them exhcanging some Furious Punches...

Me: ROCK EM SOCK EM HYDE'S

My Girlfriend: In stores now from Hasbro!

Back with Quatermain he and Moriarty are involved in a sword duel

Me: it sure is lucky so many arch villains favour sword duels for their Climatic Battles with their nemesis...imagine how fast the movie would be over if they chose pistols instead

My Girlfriend: The next ten minutes of the film is just Quatermain and Moriarty shooting at each other and missing

Me: I mean it would still be a more exciting conclusion than the way they ended Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows

it looks like Quatermain has the upper hand but then Moriarty just headbutts Quatermain and it looks Pretty Bad for him...

My Girlfriend: "I say old bean, dashed unsporting"

Me: "Dirty pool, Moriarty"

My Girlfriend: "It's just not cricket"

Hyde is not faring much better in his fistfight with Bigger More Evil Hyde...

Me: It's a good thing concussions and blunt force trauma don't exist otherwise he would be Very Dead by now

My Girlfriend: They are myths

Not like totally real things like Monster Potions

As he's temporarily knocked out of the fight Nemo tags in...

Me: "THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR...A SEA CAPTAIN!"

My Girlfriend: HE'S GOING TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM THE WAY HE SOLVES EVERY PROBLEM

BY STABBING IT

And then he just kind of goes into a WILD BLUR OF SWORD SLICING hacking and slashing away at More Evil! Hyde

My Girlfriend: OH MY GOD WHY WAS I RIGHT

Me: He's showing off the skill and quickness with a blade here that has lead to him winning Chopped fifteen years in a row

However Nemo is also knocked back and he's convinced that there's no way to stop Evil! Hyde

Me: "Stabbing it didn't work!

AND THAT'S ALL I KNOW HOW TO DO"

My Girlfriend: "HE'S IMMUNE TO SWORDS

MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON US ALL"

"He's burning through the formula too fast...he'll soon change ba..."

(Hyde is interrupted by More Evil! Hyde smashing his fist through a wall and just thwapping his head against the bricks

Me: "OH GOD I WAS WRONG HE'S NOT CHANGING BACK AT ALL"

My Girlfriend: "NEMO FOR GODS SAKE HELP ME"

Back with Quatermain and Moriarty their fight continues as Moriarty swings a chain at him!

Me: HE'S CHAINING HIS ATTACKS

My Girlfriend: GET OUT NOW

But Quatermain gets hold of it and starts choking Moriarty with it

Me: "OH GOD...THIS IS HOW DAVID CARRADINE DIED"

My Girlfriend: "WE DIDN'T SET A SAFE WORD YET"

"I hope I have your fire when I'm your age..."

My Girlfriend: It's nice he can still compliment his nemesis as he tries to murder him

Me: Good manners cost nothing after all

Quatermain says Moriarty won't live past today but he manages to get free!

Me: "Oh I guess maybe you will live past today"

My Girlfriend: I'm genuinely curious why the plan went from "Capture M" to "Murder M with a Chain"

Me: Quatermain decided it would just be too much bother

Only for Quatermain to come at him fists raised

My Girlfriend: An angry Sean Sonnery, looming at you with his fists in the air

NEVER a welcome sight

Me: THE LAST THING SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE SEEN

And begin repeatedly smacking him right in the face...

Me: This wasn't even scripted, Connery just saw Moriarty's actor stealing a drink from his hip flask and this is how he reacted

My Girlfriend: HE KNEW THE RISKS

Quatermain grabs himself an axe...

Me: "I'm going to AXE you a question"

My Girlfriend: It's a good thing this room has so many equippable weapons

Me: It's like a Resident Evil boss fight in this place...

Back with Hyde and Nemo as they flee Hyde reveals his own potion is wearing off!

Me: OH NO THE TIMING

THE INCREDIBLY UNLIKELY AND INCONVENIENT TIMING

My Girlfriend: His potion is designed to wear off at the most dramatic moment in the plot

Me: "In retrospect it was not a good choice"

As he changes back we get to see More Evil! Hyde charging at them and just...

WOW

Me: Well then

I'll be seeing THAT in my nightmares tonight

My Girlfriend: IT CAN NEVER BE FORGOTTEN

They take cover in a room full of...spiky ice crystals????

Me: Why is this room here...

My Girlfriend: WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THIS ROOM

As More Evil Hyde rampages some of the Spiky Ice Crystals fall toward them but they dodge for now!

Me: NO REALLY WHO DESIGNED THIS PLACE

My Girlfriend: WHY DOES MORIARTY'S CASTLE LOOK LIKE A FUCKIN MARIO STAGE

Back with Quatermain and Moriarty, Moriarty rants about how they'll be "Others like me..."

Me: "Other abysmally acted movie villains with a British accent and a vague evil plot!"

My Girlfriend: "Appearing in one disappointing summer blockbuster after another!"

Me: "UNTIL THE END OF TIME"

"You can't kill the future!"

Me: Okay but he can very much kill YOU though

My Girlfriend: I'd be more worried about that than the future right now

Quatermain looms over him with an axe as the music gets Very Dramatic!

My Girlfriend: OH NO

OUR FILMS VILLAIN IS IN PERIL

Me: HE'S GOING TO MURDER THE COLD BLOODED MURDEROUS ARMS DEALER!

My Girlfriend: SOMEBODY STOP HIM

As Quatermain gets ready to bring the axe down and More Evil! Hyde gets ready to stab Jeckyll and Nemo....the bombs go off!

My Girlfriend: They forgot this stage was on a timer

Me: WHAT A ROOKIE MISTAKE

Now they'll have to play through it all over again!

And everything stars Blowing The Fuck Up

Me: Somewhere, Michael Bay just had an orgasm

My Girlfriend: Never say those words again

As the castle collapses everyone is thrown about and More Evil! Hyde is trapped under rubble...

Me: And once again the film is weirdly specific at showing one of the VILLAINS of the movie in peril

My Girlfriend: There is a haunting desperation in his eyes

Our lost shot of him is him screaming right before he too Blows Up

Me: WELL THAT WAS DARK

My Girlfriend: He died as he lived...in a castle

Back with Moriarty he's taking advantage of the confusion to...grab his Fantom mask again? whAt???????????

Me: Okay seriously what is it with him and that mask

My Girlfriend: IT WAS A GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER OKAY

IT HAS REAL SENTIMENTAL VALUE

Me: Its a priceless supervillain mask family heirloom

Quatermain has him at gunpoint though but he asks him if he "Ever gets tired of being wrong"

Me: "Why do you keep taking these roles"

My Girlfriend: "I mean good god man that Avengers reboot...WHAT WERE YOU THINKING"

"Wrong about the league...wrong about me...wrong about Skinner...and wrong about your American"

My Girlfriend: He's actually been CANADIAN this whole time!

Me: DECEPTION

DISGRAAAAAAACE

"I think you trained him about as well as you trained your son!"

Me: On the list of things NOT to say to a pissed off man who is pointing a gun at your face

"Hahahahaha ur son is dead lol he sucked"

Is probably at the top of that list

My Girlfriend: "You could shoot me dead and already hate me so I think I'll just be even more loathsome to piss you off some more"

Me: He's a criminal genius alright

In the reflection of the Fantom Mask Quatermain sees that the invisible assasin has got Sawyer at knife point behind him!

Me: "MY GOD SOMEONE'S TRAPPED TOM SAWYER IN A MASK"

My Girlfriend: "IT'S A REFLECTION YOU IDIOT"

He whirls around and shoots said invisible man dead

Me: RIP Some Guy who was invisible

My Girlfriend: We hardly knew ye

But Moriarty stabs Quatermain in the back!

Me: “RIGHT IN THE BACK

LIKE THE COWARD I AM”

My Girlfriend: If heroes can be judged by the quality of their enemies then the League are…not that impressive

Me: Likewise if Moriarty is to be judged by the league being his enemies he doesn’t come out of this looking great either

And then no word of a lie he JUMPS OUT OF THE WINDOW AND HIS COAT LETS HIM GLIDE TO SAFETY LIKE HE WAS FUCKIN DRACULA

Me: All this time Moriarty kept the deadliest weapon of all to himself…A MAGIC COAT

My Girlfriend: Apparently you can slow your fall from a great height by just wearing a long coat

Me: Babe grab my Matrix coat I’mma jump off the roof

My Girlfriend: SAMANTHA NO

He takes off running...Sawyer and Quatermain have a rifle...

Me: OH GOOD!

CHEKOVS GUN!

But those spectacles we saw Quatermain needs to hit a distant target were broken in the fight!

Me: OH NO!

CHEKOVS SPECTACLES!

He instead tells Sawyer that he has to take the shot, telling him that "He's ready"

My Girlfriend: Remember all that training we saw him give Sawyer, ready for this moment?

Me: Not…really?

My Girlfriend: GOOD, ME NEITHER

 Me: We literally saw him try to teach Sawyer to shoot once, for two minutes…and Sawyer was terrible at it…and then Quatermain grumped off

My Girlfriend: But it’s fine because now he’s a crack shot

Me: SOMEONE on this movie was on some kind of crack

"You have all the time in the world..."

Me: There’s that Bond reference again!

My Girlfriend: They are really milking it here

Moriarty is nearly at his Escape Ship....

Me: And once he reaches it he shall retire from crime in three days ti…

My Girlfriend: (HITS ME WITH A PILLOW)

But Sawyer shoots him down and the box of Stolen League Stuff goes skidding under the ice Me: Annnnnnnd…that’s our big climax for our MAIN VILLAIN folks

Our main villain who we didn’t even find out was Moriarty until about twenty minutes before he died

My Girlfriend: Shot in the back, running across the ice by Tom fuckin Sawyer

Me: PULSE POUNDING

Sawyer is pretty happy about killing a man but turns around to see Quatermain is NOT in good shape... Me: I just want to point out Quatermain has been getting stabbed throughout this movie and been fine but apparently this time he was stabbed in his…enchanted collar bone or something?

So now he’s dying of Plot Twist

My Girlfriend: Alternatively he’s dying because he’s been getting stabbed repeatedly throughout this movie and never ONCE sought medical treatment

Me: “BAH!

DOCTORSH WHAT DO THEY KNOW!?

THE ONLY MEDISHINE I NEED IS WHISHKEY”

"May this new century be yours son...as the last one was mine..." Me: Translation: Please god don’t bring me back for the sequel

My Girlfriend: “May your career go better than mine did son”

Me: “If you ever get the lead role in a spy franchise, DON’T QUIT IT

Nothing good will happen to you afterwards”

We cut to...Kenya! Where they're having a funeral for Quatermain.... Me: So I guess that’s all the wrap up we’re getting to all of THAT then

My Girlfriend: I just want to say if they transported Quatermain’s body all the way to Kenya from Mongolia BY SEA that body is probably pretty ripe by now

"You remember how the old boy said Africa would never let him die?"

My Girlfriend: “LOOKS LIKE HE WAS WRONG ABOUT THAT WASN’T HE”

Me: “TOO SOON”

"What's next?"

Me: “Years of shame as we try to get a better part in a less terrible film

Then we tour the conventions when this movie gets Cult Status as a So Bad Its Good B Movie”

My Girlfriend: “Then in our late sixties we enjoy a resurgence in popularity when Rifftrax or MST3K riff this abominable mess and bring us newfound acclaim”

Nemo says he's tired of "Hiding away from the world" and wishes to "See this new century"

My Girlfriend: “I wanna be…where the people are”

Me: “I wanna see…wanna see them daaaaaancing”

He invites them all to come along which they agree to because Why Not

Me: “We have learned that all of us are a vampire

And a Mr Hyde

A pirate captain

An invisible man

And a Mark Twain character”

My Girlfriend: “Yours…the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen”

Me: And then Tom Sawyer kisses Mina and walks away while pumping his fist in the air

My Girlfriend: DON’T YOOOOUUUUUUU

FORGET ABOUT MEEEEEE

Mina and Jeckyll share a Sad Farewell to Quatermain's grave

Me: “We’re going to really miss that guy we shared one conversation with one time”

My Girlfriend: Mina is heartbroken that the repulsive misogynist who told her women are nothing but a distraction is no longer with them

And, this is genuinely all the emotional pay off we get, Sawyer just puts his rifle on Quatermain's grave, pats it, says "Thanks" and runs off

Me: Well

They really wrapped up that character arc well

My Girlfriend: GREAT STUFF

Truly the conclusion we all were desperate to see

Me: The closest thing this film had to any genuine emotional honesty was the father/son bond the two were developing

How do they deal with that?

Quatermain drops dead of “They’re not paying me enough to do another of these bloody things” and Sawyer basically reacts with less emotion than you’d expect if the family dog had passed away

My Girlfriend: I’d be WAY sadder about a dog dying than Sean Connery getting killed

Me: WE ALL WOULD

But still

As they leave we get an Extremely Racist Stereotype because oh goody!

Me: HORRAY

The whole time I was watching this I was thinking “But wait where’s all the RACISM”

Here it is

My Girlfriend: They saved it for us

They're doing...I don't know some kind of magic? And suddenly clouds fill the sky...

My Girlfriend: Ororo Munroe must be nearby

Me: HALLE BERRY NO

You’ve been in enough terrible superhero movies…stop putting yourself through this!

Quatermain's grave begins to rumble...

My Girlfriend: Please tell me his hand is going to shoot up out of the grave and grab the rifle Me: You would THINK but…

And then the credits

Me: AND THAT’S IT

My Girlfriend: …..

No really, where’s the rest of the movie

Me: That’s it

THAT’S THE ENDING

My Girlfriend: THAT’S THE ENDING

Me: I genuinely thought, like you, that Quatermain’s hand was gonna shoot up like the end of fuckin Carrie at the end there and grab his rifle

But no

THAT’S IT

My Girlfriend: WELL THEN

Final Thoughts:

Me: So that was League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

THOUGHTS?

My Girlfriend: It was…extraordinary

In that I find it extraordinary that any of this ACTUALLY HAPPENED

Or that a studio looked at the script or the rough cut of the film and decided to ACTUALLY release this to the public

Me: I find it extraordinary that Sawyer somehow never gets so much as a bruise despite being shot at, crushed, blown up TWICE and attacked with a knife

My Girlfriend: TOM SAWYER IS IMMORTAL

Me: I have to say, I watched the Nostalgia Critic review of this once and in it he genuinely called this film “Boring” and that, like many things about Channel Awesome these days, is something I cannot agree with…

Like

Boring?

Really?

Did we see the same film?

My Girlfriend: This film was many things…cheesy, campy, incoherent, nonsensical, confusing, hilarious, badly plotted, weirdly acted…but it never bored me

Me: And I feel like we should stress that like…this is NOT a good movie…but if your in the right frame of mind and you enjoy So Bad Its Good silliness it is a FUN movie a lot of the time

My Girlfriend: Highlights?

Me: I would have to say that everything about the fight scenes was HILLARIOUS just for how weird they got with it…it gave us gems like “The vampire lady has us covered”, Mr Hyde fighting Bigger Angrier Mr Hyde and of course Sean Connery running through the streets of paris shooting at Mr Hyde as he runs around the rooftops in a GIANT TOP HAT

My Girlfriend: For me it was probably the sheer stupid fun of this whole film.

That said

I really could have done without Quatermain’s oh so charming 1800’s sexism

Me: SAME

And I think we all could have done without “Nemo’s FOREIGN RELIGION is scary to us!” as well

My Girlfriend: WE REALLY COULD HAVE

Me: Did we learn anything from this film?

My Girlfriend: We learned you can be a thief, a serial killer or drink the blood of the living but its all okay if your willing to go murder people who are slightly worse

Me: We learned that you shouldn’t overdose on Mr Hyde Drugs

My Girlfriend: We learned that Sean Connery doesn’t actually read the scripts his agent sends him….

Me: Most importantly we learned that if we ever die we should get buried in Kenya because apparently the country has the power to just bring you back as a Superhero Zombie

My Girlfriend: Samantha what the hell do you mean IF we ever die

Me: I HAVE A PLAN

My Girlfriend: oh no…

[imperial-russia]

Details showing the ladies of the Imperial house and entourage from a painting by V. Polyakov: “Speech by Emperor Nicholas II on the opening of the State Duma". 

Grand Duchess Xenia Alexandrovna noted the event down in her diary: 

“A day full of emotions!! And hopes for a better future!! Thank God, everything went off splendidly and with great solemnity - just as it should.Mama got dressed upstairs, while Olga sat with us. Then we went to Nicky and Alix. The family were waiting in the rooms. The procession began at a quarter to two. Nicky walked alone, the crown and regalia were carried in front of him. In the Armoury Hall there were many society ladies with a large crowd of other people. From there the grand duchesses went through the Romanov gallery into the St. George Hall, where we took our places on a platform to the right of the throne. We were joined by the ladies-in-waiting, Mama, Alix and the duty guard. The Te Deum had already begun. Directly opposite us were the members of the Council of State and high officials, to the left the members of the Duma, who included several men with repulsive faces and insolent disdainful expressions! They neither crossed themselves nor bowed, but stood with their hands behind their backs or in their pockets, looking sombrely at everyone and everything.

But among the peasants there were such wonderful faces, as well as several soldiers from the St. George cavlary, the Cossacks, etc. After the Te Deum Mama and Alix stood in front of us on the platform, with the grand dukes next to us on the steps of the throne - then Nicky mounted the steps and sat on the throne.He did this with such simplicity, yet at the same time it was such a solemn moment! After this Count Fredericks handed him the speech, which he read standing, in a loud steady voice. Every word penetrated the sould - tears welled up in the throat.We all experienced an incredible emotion, it's difficult to convey what we felt. It was a great historical moment, unforgettable for those who witnessed it. He spoke so well, saying just what was needed, asking everyone to come to his aid. When he finished, a cheer broke out, which was taken up by everyone including in the other halls - it sounded magnificent. The choir sang the anthem (it was all terribly emotional!)We returned in the same order. I walked with Boris. Mama and Alix were crying and poor Nicky was standing there in tears - his self control finally overcome, he could not hold back his tears!"

[cavalrylad]

♫ ━ a small playlist for a muse of your choice

This is gonna end up being Ben’s for the Last Full Measure / Gods and Generals verse which also includes pieces of the Killer Angels verse

- For You : Keithurban- Welcome to the Future: Keith Urban- Over the Hills and Far Away - Run Through The Jungle : CCR-Battle Cry of Freedom : 2nd South Carolina- Fife and Gun : Randy Edelman- Dawn : Randy Edelman- I Wanna Be In The Cavlary : Corb Lund- It’s America : Rodney Atkins- Opening Titles (HBO John Adams OST) : Rob Lane-Going Home : Mary Fahl-American Soldier: Toby Keith-Something to Be Proud Of : Montgomery Gentry-Creed : Rich Mullins -Sound the Bugle : Bryan Adams-This Is War : Thirty Seconds to Mars-The Star-Spangled Banner : Madison Rising

[digimakacademy]

Descendants of World War-I Sikh soldier, featured in Hungarian artist’s prized artwork, traced to Punjab

Descendants of World War-I Sikh soldier, featured in Hungarian artist’s prized artwork, traced to Punjab

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Written by Divya Goyal | Ludhiana | Updated: March 8, 2020 11:26:03 pm

The ‘oil on board’ portrait artwork depicts two Sikh soldiers — Risaldar Jagat Singh (12th Cavalry) and Risaldar Man Singh (21st Cavlary). (Source: Official The De Laszlo Archive Trust catalogue)

MORE THAN a century after Hungarian artist…