#cause they both gained so much. they made each other braver. learned how to be loved. challenge each other to be better people.

[mymitochondriaforpresident]

😏

The mood of this photo is “I bagged the prince of Sweden and he is simping hard. Now watch us burn the system down, bitches.”

I will not be taking feedback on this interpretation. Thank you for understanding.

[alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer]

if this was a dream pt. 3

i want to apologize in advance because this is literally like 4 chapters in a trench coat... i'm serious chapter 1 was just over 1000 words and this is over 4000, I have no idea what happened. the reason I didn't break it up is because it is very alastair-centric. I promise next chapter we will get back to thomas and see how he's doing with the actual amnesia part of it all.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Fanfiction Masterlist | AO3

Alastair pulled his coat tightly around himself, trying to keep his breathing steady. The walk from the Institute to Cornwall Gardens was long, but it would give him far more time to clear his head than borrowing a carriage or hailing a hansom cab. He fell into the rhythm of his footsteps; this was familiar to him. He had spent more hours than he could count just walking and walking, trying to run from this life the universe had given him. 

Now, though, even his walking was infected by Thomas. 

Sometimes, I simply needed to get away from all of the hovering. There was this bit of forest near our house in Idris… it was nice, peaceful. The perfect escape, somewhere to wander until I was too spent to continue. Drove my parents a bit mad, but it was what I needed. 

Alastair told him about the woods around Cirenworth, how it was his escape, too. He’d memorized nearly every corner of that forest over the years. It was somewhere where he could pretend to be someone, anyone else. He could be no one, even. He’d left most of the details out, as he often did when discussing his childhood. He trusted Thomas completely, but there were some things he preferred to leave in the past. 

Now, his sleepless body ached against the increasing pace of his footsteps, pushing forward as if moving quickly enough could outrun the tears burning behind his eyes. He did not know if he could do this again. If Thomas never regained his memories, could Alastair convince him to forgive him again? Their original circumstances were quite peculiar. Could Alastair survive trying to gain his forgiveness again? 

He’d do anything for Thomas, he knew. He loved him, even if he’d never said it out loud. And as he said it now, even in the safety of his own mind, it felt far different than it ever did with Charles on the receiving end. With Charles, love felt strangling. It was shackles to his ankles and wrists, tying him to his misery. Looking back, it was not love at all. With Thomas, he felt free. Thomas made the impossible feel possible. 

It isn’t possible. It won’t ever be.

He heard his own words repeated back to him. He knew where this was headed from the start. This is how it all works out for Alastair Carstairs. He knew this time would be no different, even if he hoped it would. 

He loathed this feeling inside of him. He’d been doing well. He’d been happy. Now all he could think of were his own self-doubts, his own self-hatred, his age-old desire to run away to the farthest stretches of the Earth in the middle of the night, never to return. 

A better partner, a better person would not be so consumed in these thoughts as he was. A better partner would not be the recipient of such hatred from the man he loved at all, memories or not. A better partner would know what to do, how to ease the pain and anxiety that flooded Thomas’ eyes rather than exacerbate them. He was not better, however. He could never be what Thomas deserved. He knew it from the start, but it felt different, being thrown in his face now. 

Perhaps it would be better this way, he thought, for it to end like this. It was going to end eventually, as all things do. Perhaps this way would hurt Thomas less, even if Alastair would always wonder what could have happened if he’d tried a little harder, if he’d been a little less horrible, if he’d been a little bit stronger, a bit braver.

He was being ridiculous, he knew. Thomas merely needed time. He’d just woken up from his injury, six months displaced, no less. He was grieving his sister again, even more than before. Alastair wanted to ease Thomas’ pain, but he could not, and thus, Thomas needed time and space and he would give it to him. 

Before he realized it, he had returned to his home. He could not remember most of the walk, his feet guiding him through the city he now knew a bit too well as his mind wandered to a place he couldn’t quite reach with his consciousness. 

He slowly unlocked the door and sighed as he hung his coat. Cordelia started quickly down the stairs but froze as her expression fell when she saw the look on his face. 

Realizing what she must be thinking, Alastair quickly shook his head. “He’s alright. He woke up. He simply… appears to be missing about the past six months of memory.” 

Cordelia frowned, her face softening as she continued down the stairs and embraced her brother. “Oh, dâdash. Are you alright?” 

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I be? Thomas is alive and awake. He just hates me.” 

She sighed. “He doesn’t hate you. I don’t think he ever truly did.” 

He shook his head. “He thinks he does. Or he wants to. What’s it matter?” 

“Take a seat, dâdash. We just made tea, I’ll bring some out.” Before he could protest, she left for the kitchen. 

He settled into one of the armchairs. When Cordelia returned, she took the one beside his and began to pour tea for each of them. “You two will work your way through this, you know. Whatever happens.” 

“How can you be so sure?” 

She rolled her eyes. “Are you joking? I don’t think I’ve ever met two people better matched. It’s as if you share the same soul or something.” 

He gritted his teeth. “Most would say we’re opposites.” 

“You act like opposites. Believe it or not, though, behaving grumpy or cheerful are not personality traits. In all the ways that matter, you’re two halves of one whole. It makes me utterly green with envy sometimes, seeing the two of you together, the way that you understand each other so completely. 

“I love James, of course, with my whole being. But if I’m being honest, for a long time I thought that the reason I liked him was because he reminded me of Father, all introverted and bookish and such. Now, I’m merely trying to decipher what was real and what was not, what parts of me are genuine and which ones are simply who I thought I needed to be to please him. James, too, is finding himself again after all that happened with Grace. Sometimes, it feels as though we’re two clueless children stumbling around with no sense of self, for some reason placed in this big house with adult responsibilities. It’s an utter mess sometimes, though every moment is worth it. 

“Yet you… somehow, despite everything, despite all of the odds stacked against you, despite so much pain and fear, you found yourself and your soulmate all in one person. It’s what you deserve, dâdash, what you both deserve. You will find a way.” 

He did not quite believe her, but he would not argue. 

“Are you going to be alright?” she asked, cocking her head. 

He nodded and then paused for a moment. “I don’t know how I’ll explain this to Mâmân.” Despite all the trouble it’s caused, she still did not know the truth about his time in school. 

“I could, if you’d like?” Cordelia offered. 

He sighed. He wanted to say yes. He wanted to keep the entire matter out of his own hands. He shook his head. “It’s time I did, I think.” 

She gave him a bit of a frown but nodded. “If you’re sure.” 

“I’m tired of lying. I spent enough time keeping secrets when Father was alive.” He stood from the chair. 

“I’m here if you need me.” 

He started up the staircase, mustering up a more positive expression as to not worry his mother too much before he could get the words out. He found her in her bedroom, resting in an armchair a few feet away from Rostam’s bassinet. He approached his baby brother first, giving him a small smile though he was fast asleep. It could have been his mind playing tricks on him, but he was certain Rostam was bigger than he’d been just a few days ago. 

“He just fell asleep,” his mother said softly. He turned to her. Her eyes looked tired, though no more tired than they had a few days earlier, and certainly no more tired than his own. “Come, azizam, what are you doing home? Did something happen?”

Alastair shook his head. “Thomas is awake; he’s alright.” 

“Why aren’t you with him?” she asked after a small stretch of silence. 

“He… He has amnesia. He doesn’t remember anything past last summer. It’s best if I keep my distance for a bit.” 

His mother gave him a small smile. “It’ll be okay, Alastair joon. He’ll understand given a bit of time.” 

Alastair didn’t look at her. “Maybe. I don’t know. He… he’s quite angry with me. The original circumstances under which he forgave me were fairly bizarre to begin with.” 

“Forgive you for what, dear? What could possibly be so terrible that he would not forgive you?” 

He sighed. He knew he could not avoid this conversation any longer. “I… It was something that happened at school.” He paused for a moment. “I know you think that I got on well with everyone at the Academy, but… That isn’t the truth. When I first arrived, all of the other boys could tell that I was an easy target. I was smaller than them, and��� there were rumors. After a while, I just couldn’t bear it any longer. I… I was always quite good with words, as you know. I learned that using them to cut down others would get me a good laugh, and as long as the other boys were laughing they weren’t…” He trailed off. How was he meant to tell his mother this? “It took the attention off of me.” 

“By the time James and Thomas and their friends arrived the next year, I was so angry, at everyone and everything… I was so jealous of them. They had…” Picture perfect families, he wanted to say, though he could not. “They had these perfect lives, or at least they appeared that way to me. They never had to worry about attracting the wrong attention on the street or being humiliated because their families couldn’t afford to hire private tutors. They never had to worry about anything but growing up.” 

“Alastair…” his mother started. “I know we never discussed things of this nature. It’s alright that you were angry. They benefited from society in ways that rejected you merely by circumstances of birth. But that wasn’t their fault.” 

“I know. I know that now, now that I’m older. I know that my anger was misplaced. But when I was in school, society was too big. I only saw what was in front of me. I thought that if I must be cruel to someone, it should be to them. I said terrible, dreadful things about them and their families, things that should never be repeated. They did nothing to deserve the way I treated them. Thomas was kind to me, one of the only people who was ever kind to me in my two years there, and yet I still slandered his family. Last summer, he learned of the things I had said when he was not listening. That is what he remembers now.” 

There was a long stretch of silence. Alastair would not look his mother in the eyes. “I always knew that you had a hard time at school, Alastair,” she said finally. “Your lies were never too convincing. I could see how you’d changed. I… I didn’t know what to do. I’m sorry.” 

He knew it, too. He knew how his parents had spoken about him in those years, lamenting about what a miserable and difficult teenager he’d grown into when he and his sister were not in the room. He also knew how his father only ever seemed to care about Alastair’s destructive behavior when his mother began to pester him about his drinking. 

“It’s not your fault.” 

“The world was cruel to you, and I could not protect you from it, but I should have tried. You were a child, my child, I am your mother, and I was meant to protect you, but I did not. Not just from the world, but from… your father, I know. Be kind to yourself, azizam. Regardless of what cruel things you did while trying to balance the weight of the world on small shoulders, it seems to me that those you hurt have forgiven you. You simply have not forgiven yourself.” 

“Perhaps they shouldn’t have. Perhaps I never deserved their forgiveness in the first place.” 

Sona sighed. “Forgiveness is not deserved, Alastair. We forgive for our own wellbeing, so that we can let go and move on. If you will not fight for Thomas on your own behalf, fight on his. He deserves to forgive you, to heal from these wounds of the past. He deserves to be loved by you.” 

Alastair didn’t respond. 

“It pains me to see you like this. You deserve to forgive, too. You deserve to forgive yourself and all who have caused you pain. You deserve to be free of it. As long as you keep such a tight grip on it all, you will only continue to destroy yourself, and as long as you continue to destroy yourself, you will hurt those who love you as well. Please-” she cut herself off, her voice breaking. Her voice trembled as she began again, and he realized for a striking moment that he had never seen her this vulnerable before. He’d witnessed her pain after Elias’ death, and he’d caught glimpses of her sorrow before it, but she’d always kept her truest self tightly locked. “Please, my love, promise me that you’ll try. You can start with me.” 

He looked up at her abruptly, startled. He opened his mouth to protest, but before he could find the words, she’d stood and crossed the few feet between them. 

She took his hands in hers. Seeing the pain in her eyes, he wanted desperately to look away but he could not. “Please, forgive me. Forgive me for all of the ways that I’ve failed you. You were too young for the burdens I placed upon you. I never should have allowed you to take on that responsibility. Please, forgive me for all of the times I overlooked your pain because I was distracted by my own. I am so sorry, Alastair, for each and every time I hurt you and dismissed you. I did the best with what I had, but if I could go back in time and teach myself to be a little stronger, a little braver, to be a better mother than I was, I would do it in a heartbeat, but I can’t. All I can do is promise to try to be a better mother, not just to your brother, but to you as well. If it’s not too late.” Careful tears streamed down her cheeks, rare as they were. 

He shook his head, feeling his own tears spill. He fell into her embrace, holding her tightly, as he had not done since he was a small child. “I forgive you,” he said softly, and he meant it. 

They stood for a long while, holding each other, taking comfort in each other and the silence. Until Rostam began to cry. They pulled away from each other awkwardly. 

“I should… get some rest,” Alastair said, trying to pull himself together. He realized suddenly that he had no idea what time it was or when he’d last slept or eaten. 

Sona nodded. “Of course. I love you, Alastair. I’m so proud of the man you’ve become. I’m sorry that you and Thomas are struggling right now, but I know that you two are strong and resilient. With a bit of time and healing, this will pass.” 

He nodded, unable to respond without breaking down again. 

He returned to his bedroom to the sound of his mother soothing his newborn brother. Shutting his door behind him, he felt the exhaustion of the past several days settled deep into his bones. With heavy movements, he changed into clean clothes, leaving the old ones in a heap on the floor. Typically, he would be horrified at the thought of anything in his room so out of place, but he could not find the energy within himself to care.

He collapsed into his bed, drifting into a deep, dreamless sleep, repeating his mothers words back to himself in his mind. If only forgiving himself would come as easily as forgiving her. 

* * *

The next two days passed as a blur. He’d slept heavily the first night. Cordelia had reportedly attempted to wake him for dinner, but settled on bringing a bit of food to his bedroom instead. 

The next day passed a bit more normally, though Alastair still felt quite scattered. He’d appeared well-enough put together, however, for Cordelia to feel comfortable going home, so he supposed that was a good sign. Kamala had come for a visit, too, though he wasn’t much in the mood for talking, and they wound up just giving Rostam a bath and discussing Kamala’s latest read. 

The day after that had slowly begun to feel more normal, more balanced. Until Gideon Lightwood arrived at his door. 

Alastair stared at him for a moment before regaining his composure. He began to call him Mr. Lightwood before stopping himself. It still felt a bit odd to call him by his given name. “Gideon, hello. What are you doing here? Did something happen?” 

“No, no,” he said quickly. “Everything’s fine. Thomas is doing well; he’s feeling much better, though no significant improvements to his memory.” 

Alastair nodded. “That’s good. That he’s feeling better, I mean.” 

“I came here to check on you, actually.” 

“Oh.” He paused. “You didn’t need to do that.” 

“I wanted to. Well, we all did, Sophie, Eugenia, and I, but I was the most persuasive.” He smiled as he spoke, as if smug at the accomplishment of being delegated the one to come visit him. 

“Right, er, come in,” he gestured for Gideon to enter and take a seat in the sitting room. “You’re in luck; my mother just made tea if you’d like some.” 

He nodded. “That sounds wonderful. Thank you.” 

Alastair returned a few moments later and began pouring tea. “It was very kind of you to come, but I’m truly alright. Just worried about Thomas is all.” 

Gideon nodded. “Of course. As I said, he’s doing well, or as well as can be expected under the circumstances. I know it is difficult for him, feeling so disconnected. Regardless of the brave face he puts on. It’s frustrating for him, as if we’ve all got some sort of inside joke that he isn’t in on.” 

He could imagine it: the quick glances, the brief answers to Thomas’ many questions. He was certain it was driving him mad. “I wish there was something I could do to help.” 

Gideon gave him a small smile. “Because he’s feeling better, his friends are coming by today to attempt to fill him in on the time that he’s missing. I’m certain there will be gaps, though. Perhaps afterwards he will be more open to speaking with you.” 

Alastair didn’t know how to tell him that he wasn’t so sure Thomas’ friends would be singing his praises. 

“You should stop by the Institute tomorrow if you’re free,” Gideon offered. 

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.” 

“It’s up to Thomas, of course, if he would like to see you, but if nothing else I know that Sophie and Eugenia would love for you to come by.” 

Alastair didn’t respond for a long moment. He’d spent these past couple of days mainly sleeping and caring for his brother, but also ruminating over his conversation with his mother. He began to make a mental list, both of the things he felt he had not forgiven himself for and the things he had not forgiven others for. Before he knew it, the list was distressingly lengthy. He had no idea where to even begin. Perhaps if he could put this one mistake behind him, whatever that meant, the rest would seem less overwhelming. 

He knew that he would never forgive himself for how he hurt Thomas’ family as long as the terrible things he’d done went unspoken. Perhaps that was why he never brought it up. “Did Thomas ever tell you why he was angry with me?” 

Gideon narrowed his eyes and shook his head. “Something that happened back at school, wasn’t it?” 

Alastair nodded. He memorized the way Gideon looked at him now, prepared to only be looked upon with hatred in a few moments. He exhaled and looked down, too cowardly to watch the expression change. “I said things… horrible things about your family. About your wife and about Thomas and about Henry Fairchild, but mainly about you, the Consul, and Matthew. There were rumours going around that he was your child, and I repeated them to him. I repeated them after, too. I have reasons for the way I behaved at school, but I have no reasons for that. I was simply angry. Matthew and I were both terrible to each other, and I was so angry for so many reasons. I did not think of the consequences of my words. I am so, so sorry. I am so sorry for the role I played in causing your family such pain.” 

“It’s okay,” Gideon replied gently. Alastair looked up in surprise to see not a hint of the hatred he was expecting. Seeing the confused look on his face, he continued. “Obviously, I’m not happy that you said cruel things about my loved ones, but it was a long time ago, and I would be a hypocrite to not recognize a man who regrets his mistakes and has learned from them. You make my son happy, Alastair. That more than makes up for anything you might’ve said when you were younger, in my eyes.” He flashed him a smile and gave an exaggerated sigh. “Here I was, worried that you’d killed someone or something.” 

“Well, I’ve also done that, but it’s not what Thomas is angry about.” 

Gideon stared at him, clearly unsure over whether or not he was serious. 

“Joking,” he said quickly. “...kind of.” 

He looked back at him hesitantly. “Do you… want to talk about it?” 

“Ha, no. Not today.” His guilt surrounding the deaths of Clive Cartwright and his father would need to be addressed another time. 

“Right,” Gideon responded. “Thank you for telling me this, Alastair. I appreciate your honesty. I only have one question, why did you not say anything about this before? It was clearly bothering you. Did you fear we would reject you?” 

“I…” That seemed like the logical answer, wasn’t it? Yet he knew it was not the correct one. “I think that perhaps it was the opposite. I was just so ashamed… and I knew that as long as I held on to that, I would never allow myself to truly get too close. I know how horrible that sounds, and I know it hurt Thomas, too, but for some reason that,” he gestured vaguely with his hands, “was scarier than anything else. I’m sorry, I know that doesn’t make sense-” 

“It does. I understand, Alastair, even if I don’t like that you felt you had to do that. I know the past couple of months have been complicated for you, though in many ways less complicated than the years before. It will always be your choice, but know that there will always be a place for you in my life, whether you and Thomas are together or not. But I will not ever blame you for anything you feel you are not able to do.”

Alastair nodded, feeling a soreness at the back of this throat that indicated impending tears. 

“You should stop by tomorrow and visit us. It’s up to you, but I think that it would be helpful for you to speak with Sophie, too. I will not repeat anything to her, lest you decide not to. I do think it would be somewhat of a relief, though. We thought that the reason you were so distant was because you disliked us.” 

“What?” He silently cursed the pain in his voice. 

“Joking,” Gideon teased with a chuckle. “Kind of.” 

Alastair exhaled, feeling a bit of the tension release, and gave him half of an eye roll. 

“Please, tell me honestly, Alastair, are you doing alright?” 

He nodded in response, finally feeling it to be true. 

“I shall take my leave then. The tea was truly lovely, by the way. You must pass my thanks unto your mother.” 

“I will.” 

“See you tomorrow, then?” 

“Tomorrow,” Alastair responded before he could stop himself. He stood to see him out, but was surprised when Gideon met him with a hug goodbye. 

“Thank you for chatting with me.” 

“Thank you for… checking in.” 

Gideon smiled at him and donned his coat and hat. Alastair watched him as he departed, feeling more at peace now than he had in quite a while.

thanks so much for reading! taglist (reply, ask, or message to be added/removed): @stxr-thxif @satanisanauthor @zosiaenrique @lifewouldbebetteronmars @littlx-songbxrd @dianasarrow @kamalajcshi @bookswitchcraftandcats @jamesherondaleofficial @thomas-gaypanic-lightwood @livingformyself @anarmorofwords @foxglove-airmid

[commentaryvorg]

Danganronpa V3 Commentary: Bonus 4.1 - Ultimate Talent Development Plan (Mostly Kaito Edition)

This is postgame content, so people shouldn’t be reading this without having already finished the main game anyway. But just to be safe: while this is non-canon character stuff, I will sometimes be mentioning events that happened in the main story, so there will be spoilers for the main game.

First off, some of the usual preamble about how this mode even works. Functionally, it’s, of all things, a board game that serves as a companion for another bonus mode which is a dungeon crawler RPG. Characters don’t gain experience from battles in the RPG; instead, you level up characters in this mode, by playing through the board game as them. I could go on at great length about all the mechanics of this, because I got rather addicted to it at one point. (Apparently all you need to do to make me invested in the mechanics of an RPG is to put characters I already love into it, and then I will do everything in my power to figure out how to turn them into the awesomest fighters they can be. Kaito is the best tank and will take all of the hits to protect his glass-cannon sidekicks!) But we’re here for the story aspect, so I shall restrain myself.

Flavour-wise, each playthrough of the board game follows your chosen character as they live out three years at Hope’s Peak, in a non-despair AU in which the casts from DR1, DR2 and DRV3 are all in the same school year. (Well, it’s mostly non-despair – at the end of the three years, an army of Monokuma robots is unleashed under the school, and that’s the dungeon crawling part. But your heroes ultimately deal with that threat before it can cause any chaos outside.)

The board game is only a very abstract representation of this story. Each turn supposedly represents one month, but really most of the spaces on the board are just various ways to level up your various attributes and don’t have any real narrative. The only spaces that matter for our purposes here are Friendly Spaces, which will show you one of five scenes featuring your character, that I’ll refer to as “friendly events”, in which they interact with one or two other students. If you land on enough Friendly Spaces, which is easy enough to do if you’re aiming for it, you’ll see all five scenes with your character.

The other source of story here is seasonal events, which trigger automatically on a specific month in each of the three years. The character you’re playing as gets a choice of three possible things they can do for the event, each of which results in a scene with one or two other characters. Unfortunately, these choices are mutually exclusive, so to see all of a character’s scenes, you need to play as them through almost the entirety of the board game (because the last seasonal event is near the end of year 3) three times.

…But actually, that’s not all, not if you want to really see all the scenes for a single character. Friendly Space scenes are easy to see all of because they’ll appear when you’re playing as any of the characters featured in them. (Well, usually; one of Kaito’s doesn’t appear for him, but that seems to be just a programming oversight.) But the seasonal event scenes don’t work this way and only appear for the character who is given the choice of what to do. So any given character is also going to appear in a bunch of other characters’ seasonal events, and you’re only going to see those scenes by playing as those other characters. Worse, if you’re interested in a specific character’s scenes, there’s no way to even know which other characters’ seasonal events they appear in. So the only way to be sure that you’ve seen every single scene for a given character is to play through the board game three times each as *every single one of over fifty characters*. (Actually, the exact number is fifty-three, which… I think is genuinely just a coincidence. Heh.)

In short, thank god for the wiki. I do not envy but am immensely grateful to the people who went and did exactly that and got transcripts – with sprites, even – of every single one of these scenes. Thankfully, each character’s page for this mode on the wiki contains all of their own seasonal events and all of their appearances in other characters’ seasonal events, so you can see absolutely all of their scenes in one place. I am not using my Vita for this one. (I wouldn’t have wanted to anyway because the backlog function doesn’t work in this mode, but.)

While it makes things way more inconvenient in terms of actually seeing every scene, I do prefer the board game as a framing device for this AU’s story far more than the framing device for the Salmon Team AU. Salmon Team used the same interface of Shuichi walking around and talking to people that the main story had, which resulted in an impression that, in-story, everyone was just robotically standing in the same spot every day doing nothing until Shuichi came to talk to them. But this board game is abstract enough that we know none of the rolling dice and landing on spaces is really what’s happening in-story. The scenes we see give us a glimpse of the students’ school lives, but there’s clearly so much more happening offscreen that we don’t get to see. It feels like an organic and fully-realised story that the board game just happens to only give us a series of brief windows into.

Before beginning into the board game itself and seeing any of the actual scenes, you also get a single textbox from the character you’ve chosen to play as, as they get ready to enrol in Hope’s Peak.

Kaito:  “Alright! I’ll keep training while I’m here and after I graduate, I’ll go straight to space!”

Kaito’s words here raise a few questions, honestly. If he’s already started astronaut training, he should be focusing entirely on that and really should not also be attending high school. He questioned in the demo why he’d have bothered enrolling in some academy when he should just be working on getting to space as soon as possible; you’d think he’d feel the same even if it was Hope’s Peak! It seems like the writing is just desperately trying to have it be the case that Kaito is both already an astronaut trainee in order to justify his Ultimate status, and yet is also attending Hope’s Peak, even though dividing his focus like that really doesn’t seem like the right way for Hope’s Peak to nurture his talent.

However, we could get this to work by imagining that Kaito is exaggerating here about having already started his training. Perhaps what’s really going on is this: Kaito managed to impress the space program despite being way too young, so they made him a deal. They recommended him to Hope’s Peak as the Ultimate Astronaut, having acknowledged his incredible potential to be one, and if he graduates from there, then he gets to jump straight into astronaut training without also needing a college degree. After all, part of Hope’s Peak’s deal is supposed to be that you’re “set for life” if you graduate, which I can imagine would equate to getting privileges like that.

I wonder if these privileges also mean that Maki doesn’t have to be an assassin any more after she graduates. This is the one universe in which Maki has actually killed people and her assassin cult actually exists and she’s going to have to go back to killing people again once this is over, which makes me very sad. Unfortunately I really doubt the canon Hope’s Peak would have given a fuck about helping Maki out like that, and all of the scenes we see here remain very vague about what’s going to happen to Maki once she leaves. Buuuut maybe we can pretend that this AU version of Hope’s Peak is nicer and is going to abolish her assassin cult as its way of making her “set for life”? I just don’t want to imagine Maki having to go back to killing once she leaves here. I can’t imagine Kaito or Shuichi would stand for it either.

Meanwhile, in Shuichi’s little intro line, he isn’t wearing his hat, when he really should be if you think about it. Until he meets Kaito and Kaede and starts trying to be braver, he’s not going to take that thing off.

…So, if this introduction didn’t already make it obvious, I’m going to be focusing on scenes featuring at least one of our adorable training trio, with a particular focus on Kaito because what did you expect, it’s me.

Shuichi (featuring Kyoko)

Obviously one of the friendly events I’m here to talk about is one between Shuichi and Kaito!

Shuichi is already Kaito’s sidekick in this event, which is something we don’t really need to be shown coming about, not when we can easily fill in the gaps and imagine that it went roughly like it did in canon. Kaito saw Shuichi’s weakness and made it his business to help, just like Kaito always does.

…It is a little different from canon, because there isn’t the context of Shuichi needing to have his act together in case there’s another class trial, nor is there the subtle Kaito’s-issues context of him feeling like Shuichi has already been more of a hero than him and wanting to make himself a part of that in order to feel useful and not inferior. But this just goes to show that those reasons were never necessary and Kaito would have reached out to Shuichi regardless, because that’s genuinely just who he is.

Kaito:  “Why’re you looking so down now? I thought you’d been looking better than when you first got to this academy. If there’s something going on, then spit it out! It’s a hero’s job to help out his sidekick!”

Shuichi:  “It’s nothing, I just… I feel as though I haven’t used my detective skills lately.”

Kaito noticing Shuichi looking down and encouraging him to talk about whatever’s wrong is still so good. It seems Shuichi would normally have felt this wasn’t important enough to mention, but thanks to Kaito’s prodding, he’s been starting to learn that it’s okay to talk about even small-seeming problems, because Kaito will help him with anything.

(And Kaito is indeed actually right in his judgement that something was wrong, because this isn’t chapter 4 in which he’d become desperate enough to forcefully insist Shuichi needed his help when he really didn’t. No I am not going to stop mentioning the time Kaito did that in his chapter 4 FTE; it was delightful.)

Shuichi:  “I feel like… I should be doing something. I got my Ultimate talent by chance, so…”

Props to Shuichi for wanting to do something about this. Even though he feels he got his Ultimate title by chance, he’s not just going to wallow in the feeling that he doesn’t deserve it – he wants to work until he can feel like he does deserve it and can be proud of it! It’s definitely Kaito (and probably also Kaede; she’s his friend in this AU too, of course) who helped Shuichi feel this way, because this was very much not his outlook at the beginning.

Shuichi:  “But… a detective can’t work unless there’s a case to solve, or a request to fulfil.”

Kaito:  “No! Your talents are more than just that!”

Shuichi:  “Huh?”

Kaito:  “Hey, Shuichi… I’m an astronaut. Do you think I’m useless when I’m not in space?”

Shuichi:  “You’re not useless! You have good teamwork, and you always help people in need. Everyone really depends on you, Kaito.”

I really like Kaito’s approach to this. Of course he’s not useless when he’s not in space, because all of the skills he has that gave him his astronaut talent can also be applied in so many other ways! In terms of current achievements, Kaito is a far worse astronaut than Shuichi is a detective, because Shuichi has at least solved a good few cases, while Kaito’s never even been to space. But Kaito doesn’t let that get him down! There’s so much else he can do with his skills before he gets there!

Kaito:  “Then what about detectives? Are they useless without cases or requests?”

Shuichi:  “Well…”

So the same should go for Shuichi, right? Obviously!

Kaito:  “So I’ll be the hero and you be my sidekick!”

Shuichi:  “…Isn’t that what we’ve been doing?”

It’s… a little hard to translate the Kaito-ese here, and I don’t blame Shuichi for getting confused. But I think what he’s trying to get at is that he’ll cheer Shuichi on while Shuichi goes out there and lives up to his potential, because that’s what the hero-and-sidekick thing is really about.

Kaito:  “And when someone’s in trouble, you help ‘em out! Like, by giving them advice or something! It might be different from your usual detective work, but… Instead of rotting away like that, it’ll make you feel alive by helping out those around us.”

It’s adorable that Kaito’s basically encouraging Shuichi to be more like him, in the sense of trying to help people. After all, he knows that Shuichi’s a naturally compassionate person who does instinctively want to help others a lot. Their respective talents lend themselves to helping others in quite different ways – Shuichi isn’t necessarily going to be as great at giving advice as Kaito is – but that just means that there’s things that Shuichi can do for people that even Kaito can’t.

There actually is something of a running theme of Shuichi doing this kind of thing in some of his other scenes in this AU! The types of cases he took on at his uncle’s office were often about finding lost pets or missing people, so he’s really good at tracking things down, which can come in very handy when others have more practical problems than the kind Kaito helps people with. Just like in canon, Kaito is good at helping people with his words, while Shuichi is good at helping people with his actions.

This also comes up a little in another one of Shuichi’s friendly events, with Kyoko. Because, yes, she’s here too, meaning there’s just awkwardly two different Ultimate Detectives in the same school year somehow.

Shuichi:  “An apprentice like me doesn’t deserve to share the title of Ultimate Detective with you…”

Which, predictably, makes Shuichi feel rather inferior when comparing himself to Kyoko and her accomplishments.

Kyoko:  “Others accept that you are a detective, and have also come to rely on you, too. The other day, I saw you running all over the place with Ryoma and Peko… No doubt because they needed your insights as a detective, right?”

Shuichi:  “Ah, I was just looking for a missing cat around the academy… I’ve handled plenty of missing pet cases before, so I was able to help, but…”

This is indeed a thing that happened – there’s a scene between Ryoma and Peko (the former of whom is a big cat person and the latter of whom loves fluffy animals in general) in which they discuss a lost cat they’ve seen around school and ultimately decide to get Shuichi’s help to track it down and find its owner. That scene doesn’t actually get as far as featuring Shuichi in it, but this scene here with Kyoko confirms that he did indeed manage to help solve that “case”! It’s neat how there’s various events that are referred to in multiple scenes, to help things really feel like a cohesive story.

Kyoko:  “Do you think it’s meaningless for people to rely on you?”

Shuichi:  “…No, that’s wrong. It makes me… so happy to be helpful.”

Kyoko:  “Then I see no reason for you to compare yourself to me. Every detective is shaped by their motives, methodologies, and case histories.”

Kyoko has such a good point! She and Shuichi are very, very different types of detective and shouldn’t really be compared to each other. Kyoko is a homicide detective and takes a very objective, impersonal approach to things, whereas Shuichi handles more domestic cases that are about solving people’s problems and generally has more of a focus on helping people in the process. It’s possible that Kyoko brings up people relying on Shuichi because she actually kind of looks up to him for that, since that’s very much not something that her own type of detective work makes her suited for.

This idea gets explored a little more in another scene Shuichi has with Kyoko, as one of his seasonal events for the final year. (I’ll mostly be trying to do the seasonal events in chronological order as we go along, but there’s some final-year events, such as this one, that exist as kind of a follow-up to an earlier friendly event between two characters. So I’ll be doing those in conjunction with the relevant friendly event, even if it means we have to temporarily skip ahead to the end of the three years now and then.)

Shuichi bumps into Kyoko about to leave for some urgent business in such a hurry that she won’t even have time to tell her classmates she’s going to miss the closing ceremony, so Shuichi offers to let Makoto know for her.

Kyoko:  “If that’s the case… I’m sorry, but would you mind doing it?”

Shuichi:  “Ah, don’t worry about it! It’s alright to depend on others when you need to. I’ll give you advice someone gave me. Don’t try to do everything by yourself. Sometimes, asking for help is exactly what you need. Even if it’s something small.”

The way Kyoko apologises before asking Shuichi for something this small does suggest that she’s very much not used to relying on others at all. Kyoko is of course naturally very capable and independent and doesn’t often need help in the first place, but she can also be reluctant to rely on others even when it would benefit her to do so. Good thing Shuichi can help her a little with that, in part thanks to all of the advice Kaito’s given him!

Shuichi:  “Ah, but… I might be getting a little *too* much help from everyone…”

Kyoko is a detective who maybe doesn’t rely on others enough, while Shuichi is a detective who relies on others maybe a little too much. It’s a neat contrast.

Kyoko:  “I never meant to hold it in… That was never my intention. When you involve yourself in someone else’s business, you can easily misjudge them.”

Shuichi:  “I’m sure you’re right. There are certainly situations like that. But aren’t there times that make you think… you want to really trust someone? Even if you might get hurt?”

Kyoko at least tells herself that she tries to refrain from personal ties and relying on others in order to remain detached and impartial for her detective work. That is perhaps more important for a homicide detective than it would be for a domestic detective like Shuichi. Then again, in canon, Shuichi had to solve a bunch of murders, and he managed to do that despite also having an emotional side that willingly formed bonds and wanted to believe in people. You don’t have to throw away Kyoko Kirigiri in order to be the Ultimate Detective, Kyoko!

Also, Shuichi’s words about wanting to trust someone even if you might get hurt are definitely paraphrasing Kaito’s principles on that topic here and I love it. He’s had much less of an issue with that notion in this AU when there haven’t been any murders, but maybe instead it was the beginnings of their friendship with Maki that prompted Shuichi to ask Kaito how he could believe in people so easily.

Maki Roll (featuring Chihiro)

…And than brings us rather conveniently onto the next friendly event I wanted to cover, because of course Kaito also has a scene with Maki.

Maki is also already Kaito’s sidekick in this scene, but unlike with Shuichi, we can’t just assume this went basically how it did in canon. See, Kaito (and implicitly also Shuichi, though he’s not in this scene) knows about Maki’s talent, but nobody else does. Which is in fact a huge difference from canon that warrants some lengthy speculation about how Maki even ended up as Kaito’s sidekick in this universe at all.

In canon, it only happened because Kokichi found out Maki’s talent and told everyone. Kaito started properly reaching out to her and trying to make her his sidekick after that, and since she had nothing to lose because the worst had already happened and her secret was already out, she didn’t put up that much resistance. Kaito’s continued belief in her despite knowing her true talent let Maki realise that people knowing wasn’t the absolute end of the world like she’d been terrified it would be.

Here, though, without a class-wide bombshell revealing Maki’s identity, it’s very remarkable that Kaito even knows at all. Throughout chapter 2, Maki was so terrified of anyone finding out her secret, because she was absolutely convinced that it’d make everyone hate and fear and try to kill her and she’d end up forced to kill them in self-defence, which she did not remotely want to do. That fear might not be quite as intense outside of a killing game, nor without a whole room full of proof of her talent readily available for anyone to wander into, but it’d still be there. She’d still be reluctant to get close to anyone even under the guise of being the Ultimate Child Caregiver, not only out of a belief that she doesn’t deserve to have friends, but also out of a fear that letting someone get too close will increase the risk of them finding out her secret somehow even if she’s trying to hide it.

So obviously Kaito’s persistence and stubbornness would still have been a huge and necessary factor here. Although he didn’t know Maki’s talent and therefore just how weak she was and how badly she needed it, he must have seen her as a potential sidekick anyway. She was still cutting herself off from the rest of the class for reasons that Kaito’s instincts could tell weren’t malicious, meaning he probably figured that she was running away from something and needed help. So he’d have kept trying to talk to her and include her in things and invite her to train with him and Shuichi and generally be his incredibly stubborn self at her.

But… because Maki’s secret wasn’t already out, it must have taken way more stubbornness from Kaito here than it did in canon to finally get through to her. She’d have realised that he’s trying to figure out why she’s so closed off and get her to open up, but she would be utterly convinced that telling him the truth would only make him fear her and give up on her, and probably also warn everyone else about her talent and ruin everything.

There’s two possibilities I can think of for how Maki eventually gave in and opened up. One is that Kaito and Shuichi managed to figure it out themselves after enough attempts to talk to her, through a combination of Shuichi’s detective skills and Kaito’s intuition for people. Then they gently confronted her about it, with a very clear message of “we know this is why you’re scared, but it’s okay, we trust you, and you can trust us not to tell anyone, we only want to help you”. I’m not totally sold on this idea, though, because it would still leave Maki with the fear that she couldn’t actually trust them, not after they figured out her worst secret without her consent. (Also, hello Shuichi’s issues about accidentally figuring out truths that the subject of them hates having exposed.)

The more likely possibility, then, is that Maki did eventually tell Kaito herself, not out of openly trusting him and being comfortable with him knowing (because she would never believe that anyone could be okay with her being a killer until she’s already seen it happen), but more out of just trying to get him to finally leave her alone already. Surely knowing that she’s a killer will make even a stubborn idiot like him give up on her and realise she’s not worth getting close to, right? But that’s still remarkable, because people finding out her talent is still the worst and most terrifying scenario imaginable to Maki. So while she’d be telling herself on the surface that this is just to get rid of him, she would still have had to genuinely trust somewhere deep down that Kaito would at least respect her secret and not tell anyone else, even if he’d also totally never want to speak to her again.

I’m pretty sure that’s roughly how this must have gone down, and that’s really incredible. Maki would have had no obvious, undeniable way to realise she could trust Kaito, not like she had in canon from the simple fact that he continued to believe in her despite knowing that she’s an assassin. Imagine the absolute persistent supportiveness Kaito would have needed to display in order for Maki to start to instinctively feel that way anyway. And consider how huge it is for Maki that she did end up coming to trust Kaito enough, even if she wasn’t admitting it to herself, that she was able to briefly lift her otherwise-unbreakable barrier of no-one must ever know, if only in what she was telling herself was an attempt to push him away. Kaito is so good, and Maki absolutely needed someone as stubbornly, recklessly kind as him to begin to get through to her.

Kaito:  “Hey, Maki Roll! You better remember our promise for tonight!”

Maki:  “Are you talking about training? You made that promise, not me. And stop calling me Maki Roll.”

These opening lines put this scene very early on in Maki’s sidekickhood. Kaito has started calling her Maki Roll, which it only took him a few days to do in canon after she’d become his sidekick (and after he knew she was an assassin and therefore that giving her the most un-assassin-like nickname would be a good way to help her). But Maki has not yet given up telling him not to, which also only took a few days.

Plus, Maki is still acting like the only reason she’s going to training is because Kaito is nagging her to and is not yet openly accepting that she’s choosing to go for her own sake. In fact, the way they talk about the promise like it’s not already a regular arrangement suggests that tonight may be the first time Maki will ever come to training, or at most the second, if it happened for the first time last night and Kaito told her to come again tomorrow.

That moment in which Maki finally gave in and told Kaito about her talent must have been no more than a few days ago, then. Kaito would of course have responded by reassuring her that he still believes in her, and that rather than pushing him away, she should be accepting his help in growing stronger, for which she should obviously start coming to training with him and Shuichi.

Kaito:  “Alright, you remember! I’ll see you there!”

Despite Maki acting like she’s only doing this because he’s nagging her, and not even explicitly promising she’ll be there, of course Kaito knows that she will definitely be there. He called it a promise in the first place because he knows that she has already made the choice to try and get stronger. And he can tell that she must already trust him on some level to have even told him her secret in the first place.

Maki:  “…Is that why you came to talk to me?”

Kaito:  “Nah, I’ve got a message from Kaede. She wants to talk about the promise you made with her. I dunno what kind of promise it is, but… since when were you guys so close?”

Maki:  “We’re not close, and I wouldn’t call my arrangement with Kaede a promise, either. She offered to play piano for the kids at my orphanage. That’s all.”

This is actually a promise Kaede makes if you do Maki’s FTEs with Kaede in the main game! It’s lovely that they also put it into this AU and made it an actual thing that happens, because man was that never going to actually be able to happen in canon for multiple reasons.

Maki is probably right to say that she and Kaede aren’t that close. If she’s this early on in being Kaito’s sidekick, she definitely hasn’t really started to open up much with other people either. But it seems that despite that, Kaede has tried approaching Maki anyway and had similar conversations with her as she has in her canon FTEs, because Kaede is lovely and always trying to make friends even with more guarded people like Maki.

Maki:  “But… I left that orphanage years ago. Kaede thinks I was the Ultimate Child Caregiver at that orphanage before I came here, but…”

This is of course the assumption Kaede was running under in her FTEs with Maki when she offered to play piano for the kids then. (Not that Kaede hypothetically learning Maki’s real identity would change anything, once she learned Maki’s reasons for it – if anything, it’d only make Kaede even more determined to do something nice for Maki and those kids. Kaede is just as good as Kaito is.)

Kaito:  “Hey, there’s no reason you can’t go to the orphanage, right, Maki Roll? So just take Kaede there with you. For the kids living peacefully there you worked so hard for… Let them hear Kaede’s music.”

It’s lovely what Kaito’s doing here. Maki is telling herself that she barely deserves to be going back near that happy life at the orphanage any more now that she’s a horrible murderer, but Kaito’s trying to reassure her that hey, none of that means she can’t at least visit and do something nice for the kids she cares about so much!

…And, okay, so apparently we’re also at a point after Maki has opened up about exactly why she became an assassin, which took several days longer than her initial decision to try and change (and happened after she’d given up protesting the Maki Roll). It’s a little surprising that she reached that point so quickly, because subconsciously trusting Kaito not to betray her talent to everyone is a lot different from actually telling him why she’s an assassin and more or less admitting that she never wanted it. So… I am starting to get the sense that the writers here maaaay not have fully thought through what they were implying with this scene’s opening lines, because those definitely gave the sense that Maki had barely started training if she was reluctant to even admit she was coming.

Unless maybe things happened in a different order in this universe, such that Maki had already begrudgingly told Kaito a few stories about her orphanage during his persistent pestering for her to open up (just like she does with Kaede’s attempts to reach out to her). Which might mean that when she finally threw up her hands and told him she’s a goddamn assassin so leave her alone, it wouldn’t be as much of a leap for her to then admit, with some more questioning from Kaito, that the orphanage stories were still true and are actually quite related to her being an assassin. Maybe.

Kaito:  “Oh! I just had a great idea too! How about me and Shuichi tag along? Yeah! Let’s do it! If Shuichi’s with us, I bet Kaede will get all psyched up!”

Aww, Kaito. It is making me very happy imagining this gathering of these four being friends at Maki’s orphanage and making the kids smile. (I bet Kaito is also very good with kids. Especially if they’re aware he’s the Ultimate Astronaut, letting him jump right into his inspiring hero role and tell them all sorts of exciting things about SPACE.)

…Kaito’s comment about how Shuichi’s presence will psyche Kaede up does imply that he might have figured those two have a bit of an unspoken romantic thing for each other. But even if that’s the case, I like to imagine that Kaito wouldn’t make any overt moves to act on this and try and set them up together without one of them directly asking him for help. After all, Kaito’s only working on a hunch here, and if his hunch happens to be wrong, then trying to push his friends into a romance they don’t actually want would be a dick move. (More on a similar concept regarding Kaito’s hunches in another scene next post.)

Maki:  “You want to tag along… and bring Shuichi?”

Kaito:  “Yeah! If there are any problems, Shuichi and I will help out!”

This is the real reason Kaito invited himself and Shuichi along, though. He can sense that Maki is uneasy doing something that comes so close to her personal life and the truth about herself when she’s including someone who doesn’t know her secret. As such, Kaito’s offering to go along with Shuichi to be there for her and help her feel safer. Since it doesn’t make much sense for there to be logistical problems with Kaede playing the piano to the kids, Kaito is really talking about the possibility of there being problems with Maki’s talent remaining secret. He’s saying that he and Shuichi will be there to cover for her, and, if worst comes to worst and her talent ends up coming out anyway, talk Kaede through the revelation and assure her that Maki still deserves to be treated like a person. (Kaede would definitely understand, of course, but she’d need some explanations, and Maki might not be comfortable giving those on her own.)

Kaito:  “Do you not want Kaede and the others to find out about your real talent? But… I know you don’t wanna distance yourself from them like when you first got here, yeah?”

Maki:  “…Don’t make assumptions about me.”

He’s right, though, isn’t he, Maki? However, she’s still not quite willing to admit that yet herself, so this is still quite early days, one way or another.

Maki:  “But… I guess I’ll give the orphanage a call.”

Kaito:  “Alright! Then it’s decided!”

Maki’s going to do it! I really, really get the sense that without Kaito’s reassurance, she wouldn’t have actually acted upon this and would have left Kaede hanging. Kaede might well have been trying to prod Maki about it herself and getting only vague uncertainty since Maki wasn’t truly comfortable doing it. That could be why Kaede asked Kaito to talk to her about it, having noticed that he seems to be closer to Maki than she is.

Maki does have a friendly event with Kaede, too, but it turns out to be more about Chihiro, who’s also in the scene. Maki and Kaede happen across Chihiro crying, and he explains that he found an injured bird that died before he could take it to Gundham to maybe save it.

Maki points out that that’s not Chihiro’s fault and Gundham might not have been able to save it anyway.

Chihiro:  “You’re… right… But when I thought about how it probably wanted to fly more, I just started crying…”

Chihiro is projecting his weakness issues onto this poor little injured bird that probably wished it was stronger, but then it didn’t manage to get any stronger and died because it was too weak! Aww, Chihiro.

Maki:  “I don’t think you should be crying over that, though… But… I do think it’s fortunate it had someone to cry for it.”

Maki looks distant during that second part, because apparently she’s also somewhat projecting her issues onto this bird. She’s acknowledging that it’s sad when someone suffers alone without anyone knowing and being able to care about it. In a very, very indirect way, she’s saying that her past suffering matters, and that she deserves to have others know and feel sorry for her about what she’s been through. That’s a big deal coming from Maki!  (And I’m sure others do know about her suffering; if she’s admitting this, then she’s probably already told Kaito and Shuichi about some of the more awful parts of her assassin training by now.)

Chihiro wants to bury the bird, so both Kaede and Maki suggest they should take it to Gundham, who’d know about how best to do this sort of thing. Maki offers to come along, which Chihiro seems surprised about.

Kaede:  “You know, Chihiro… Maki may seem edgy on the outside, but she’s actually very sincere.”

Maki:  [pouting] “…You don’t need to come with us, Kaede.”

Kaede:  “Why!? I only said the truth!”

Maki is a good caregiver! And also embarrassed at Kaede earnestly telling near-strangers how caring she is. Kaede is good and I hope she and Maki continue to be friends; she’d be able to help Maki out a lot too, even without necessarily having to know her secret.

Maki:  “I can’t just leave a crybaby like you alone. That would leave a bad taste in my mouth…”

Maki mentioned during her FTEs that her best friend from the orphanage (who is no longer alive) was something of a crybaby who tried her best to be strong. Is Chihiro reminding Maki of her friend here? Because that’s adorable.

There’s a little more Maki and Chihiro in one of Maki’s third year winter events, not precisely as a follow-up to this but I might as well cover it here anyway. Maki happens across Chihiro in the dining hall, and after some conversation about Chihiro not having the strength to open a jar (but wanting to keep trying rather than having Maki do it for him), Chihiro comments that Maki must be like a reliable big sister to the kids she looks after.

Maki:  “I don’t think… I’m that reliable.”

Chihiro:  “Huh, why?”

Maki:  “I’m not good at taking care of people and I keep secrets. You can’t rely on someone like that.”

Makiiii, you are very good at taking care of people. And you only keep your secret to protect both yourself and other people, not out of any kind of malice or intent to deceive, so that doesn’t inherently make you unreliable. I guess in this universe Kaito never got the chance to give his speech about how having secrets is just human and doesn’t necessarily make someone a bad person.

Chihiro:  “You keep secrets?”

Maki:  “Nothing. Forget it.”

Chihiro:  “Um… Uhhh… Keeping secrets might be bad… But I don’t think it’s strange… Even I… have secrets.”

Turns out this is something Maki and Chihiro have in common! Chihiro isn’t keeping his secret for a malicious reason either, nor does it make him any less worth relying on because of it!

Chihiro:  “Maki… is there anyone you talked to about your secret? Or have you not told anyone?”

Maki:  “Well… I have told someone.”

The fact that Maki says that she told Kaito and Shuichi her secret makes it all the more likely that the reason they found out really is because she slowly grew to trust them enough to tell them. I don’t think she’d word it that way if they’d been the ones to figure it out first.

Chihiro:  “Okay, then you’re fine. It’s a bit of a relief to have someone to talk to.”

Maki:  “That’s true… I actually do feel a bit relieved.”

Chihiro is saying this because, in this AU, he’s entrusted Mondo with his secret and Mondo has been training him to get stronger, a lot like Kaito has with Maki! This is a big thing they have in common, and it’s lovely to have that brought up here and see them both agreeing that it’s nice not to have to bear their secret alone.

Honestly, if Chihiro had happened to be in Kaito’s class instead, he’d probably have admired Kaito’s strength and gone to him instead with his secret to ask for help getting stronger, and damn right Kaito would have immediately taken him on as a sidekick and it would have been adorable. But instead, Chihiro has Mondo, which in some ways is essentially the same thing and in some ways is rather different, as we’ll get into later in this post.

Year 1 seasonal events

The first year’s seasonal event is the summer sports festival. There aren’t too many here I want to cover, but I might as well group them together for it anyway.

Show ‘em what you got in the three-legged race! Maybe you should talk to someone before the race. But who?

-      My sidekick, of course!

One fun thing about the way the game does these seasonal events is that the narration and the choices are written in the POV of the character you’re playing as. Kaito is so into this and so eager to talk to his sidekick – obviously he wouldn’t pick anyone else! (He did keep saying back in Salmon Team that the sidekick totally wouldn’t pick anyone besides the hero – and that at least is something that goes both ways!)

Kaito:  “Alright, bro! It’s finally time to show off the results of all our training! Don’t hesitate! There’s no way we can lose after training through blood, sweat and tears!”

Shuichi:  “Blood, sweat and tears sounds like a little too much… But it’s true that this training will give us an edge in the festival. I feel like we can win!”

Of course their training will help! Not just in the sense that it’s made Shuichi physically fitter, but also just because it means Kaito and Shuichi are so very in-sync with each other. The three-legged race is an event that relies less on physical prowess and more just on extremely good teamwork, so it’s perfect for Kaito in general, and especially for him and Shuichi since they’re such close friends. I bet Kaito signed them both up the moment he heard there was going to be a three-legged race, probably before even asking if Shuichi was up for it (because he already knew he would be).

Kaito:  “I’ve already decided I’m gonna win at everything today. So as my sidekick, you better support me!”

Kaito is still pretending like the sidekick thing is even remotely about Shuichi making him look good when really it’s literally the opposite of that. Though I suppose events like this give him an excuse to actually make things seem this way for once, so that he can set a super-awesome example for his sidekick to strive for.

Despite acting like he definitely wouldn’t have chosen to talk to anyone but Shuichi, Kaito can also talk to his opponents, one of whom happens to be Fuyuhiko. (Another event implies that Fuyuhiko’s partner in this race is Kazuichi, which means we were so close to seeing Kaito and Kazuichi interact! They do not have a single interaction in this mode and I feel incredibly robbed.)

Kaito:  “Oh hey, Fuyuhiko. Never thought I’d be going up against you!”

Kaito starts with this, so it seems he’s aware of what Fuyuhiko’s like and knows that it appears to be unlike him to be at events like this. (This is, after all, a Fuyuhiko before his canon character development in which he warmed up to everyone.)

Fuyuhiko:  “What, am I not allowed to be here or something? Did you think I’d just ditch school events?”

Kaito:  “Nah, man! I’m glad you’re here! I always thought you were the type that’d show up to this stuff!”

Fuyuhiko:  “Geez… don’t act like you’ve got me figured out. I never wanted to do any of this lame shit.”

But Kaito does have Fuyuhiko figured out, doesn’t he! Despite what he said at first, which was based on how Fuyuhiko appears on the surface, Kaito can also see past that and tell that really Fuyuhiko does want to join in with this kind of thing with his schoolmates and is just very prickly about it. And by being so forward with the “Yeah, of course you’d do this!”, he’s also trying to get Fuyuhiko to realise that it’s really not so embarrassing to want this and he should be more open with it. Kaito is so good.

Kaito’s other opponents, and last options to talk to for this event, are Hiro and Hifumi. There’s nothing of substance in that conversation other than pointing out how hilariously ill-equipped they are for a three-legged race. And since Fuyuhiko and Kazuichi are not super in-sync with each other and liable to bicker, Kaito and Shuichi definitely destroyed the competition and showed everyone what an awesome team they are.

Kaito appears in a few other people’s sports festival events, but none of them are that noteworthy. He suggests Gonta should play more aggressively at basketball, protests that his face is not dumb-looking when Mahiru decides to take photos of the three-legged race, and encourages Peko to be enthusiastic in cheering on her friends.

Kaito:  “Shout whatever you think will help. That’ll become their strength out there!”

Words becoming other people’s strength is so very luminary of him and it’s lovely to see him passing that idea onto others.

Maki has a brief noteworthy bit during the sports festival, in an event you get as Kyoko, who is one of Maki’s opponents in the girls’ three-legged race.

Maki:  “Even though sports festivals are a pain… I don’t intend to hold back. There’s someone in my class who would nag me if I don’t do my best.”

Guess who she’s talking about! Sports festivals may be just for bragging rights and not really Maki’s thing, but Kaito has managed to instil her with at least a little of his philosophy that anything and everything is worth getting passionate about and giving your all.

The sports festival happens in June, while Japanese school years start in April. Which means that, man, Kaito really got to work fast on his prolonged stubborn pestering to get through to Maki if he’s already done so in the space of only a few months. …Or, since she only says “someone in my class” and not “a friend”, maybe this is before Maki has actually told him her secret (though she’d still be reluctant to admit he’s her friend for a little while after that). But even if she’s not his sidekick yet, clearly he’s still been pestering her plenty about doing her best and getting involved in things, because of course he has.

Meanwhile, Shuichi’s events for the sports festival involve him tracking down and apprehending Monokuma, who was causing chaos for the hell of it (yes, Monokuma is here in this non-despair AU as a separate autonomous character, somehow, just go with it). Shuichi’s using his detective skills to help people, just like Kaito was encouraging him to!

Mondo (featuring heroes and sidekicks)

Another of Kaito’s friendly events, and one which is followed up on with a third year seasonal event, is with Mondo. While I am endlessly sad that there are no interactions between Kaito and Kazuichi… perhaps that’s understandable, because Kaito would have full-on sidekicked the hell out of Kazuichi and it would have been a whole thing that this mode wouldn’t have room to do justice. But I do also like Mondo a lot, so maybe Kaito’s interactions with him here are the next best thing.

Mondo:  “…”

Kaito:  “What’s up? Is something bothering you?”

Given Kaito’s intuition, he’s probably right to assume that something’s bothering Mondo here. After all, Mondo definitely has a lot of issues that he hasn’t remotely sorted out yet.

Kaito:  “Alright, then I’ll tell you about the universe! It’ll make your problems look insignificant!”

While this could read as such, Kaito is not saying this in any kind of self-centred sense of “my space stuff is more important than your issues”. Rather, he’s trying to help Mondo realise his problems maybe aren’t quite as big and as scary as he’s making them out to be. “The universe is impossibly vast” isn’t necessarily just something Kaito says to geek out about space. Perhaps it’s also a way he’s found to help put his problems in perspective (you know, when he has them, which is definitely never and why are you asking where his parents are), so he’s trying to do that for Mondo, too.

Mondo:  “You talk about space and shit all the time, but… you ain’t even been there yet, right? And even so, you’ve still got such a confident look on your face.”

Kaito:  “Of course. I’m Kaito Momota, Luminary of the Stars! It’s already been decided that I’m gonna go to space! Right now is just before that happens!”

This is such a straightforwardly Kaito outlook. It doesn’t matter that he hasn’t been to space yet, he’s definitely going to, so he might as well carry himself like somebody who already has! He’s so good at having confidence in himself and what his future holds.

Mondo:  “It pisses me off, but… hearing you say something like that makes it sound possible. Space, huh? To have a dream like that, you gotta have some real balls, man.”

…And maybe that sort of outlook is the kind of thing that could help Mondo. Kaito presents himself the way he does not just to make himself look good, but more importantly to try and inspire others to have that same incredible confidence in themselves.

Kaito:  “Right!? I knew you’d get me, Mondo! Space is huge! It’s filled with the unknown! It’s a man’s passion to explore it, right!?”

Mondo:  “A man’s passion… Like the wind on ya when you’re riding your motorcycle at top speed? …Is it something like that?”

Kaito:  “That’s right! Just like that! It’s somewhere you’ll never reach if you live normally!”

Look at these manly dorks. Even though exploring space and riding a motorbike are two very different things, I like that Kaito agrees they basically both fall under the same principle – it’s about pushing the limits and doing whatever you’re most passionate about, no matter how out-there it is. Kaito’s concept of “a man’s passion” is somewhat different and more specific than just his general concept of manliness, and in his case, it’s all about that passion for SPACE. Still not inherently gendered, I might add.

(Mondo also has his own general concept of manliness, of course, and his is definitely very gendered, although there’s still a decent overlap with Kaito’s in terms of things like integrity and honour.)

Kaito:  “Hey, what’s your dream, Mondo? I bet yours is filled with fire and passion!”

Mondo:  “Nah, I… ain’t got something like that.”

Mondo does in fact have a dream – he wants to quit his bike gang and become a carpenter when he graduates. But it seems he’s embarrassed to admit that, perhaps because it doesn’t sound “fiery and passionate” enough next to Kaito’s dream of space.

Kaito:  “Really? Are you only looking at the past or something? You can’t move forward in life if you’re looking backwards, y’know?”

Some good advice and definitely something Mondo needs to hear! He is very stuck on the past and what happened to his brother, when he should be looking to the future and trying his best to move on from that.

(Also remember that Kaito lost his parents, and while that presumably wasn’t at all his fault like Daiya’s death kind of was Mondo’s fault, Kaito is still very much using his past pain to push him forwards rather than hold him back.)

Mondo:  “…”

Kaito:  “What? You don’t wanna tell me? Don’t compare your dream to mine, y’know? You’ll get scared by the size of the universe…”

Again, this is not Kaito doing a self-centred “my dream is better than yours”. In fact, it’s the opposite – he’s telling Mondo that he shouldn’t worry about comparing himself to others. Just because most people don’t have dreams as ridiculously huge and over-the-top as Kaito’s dream of space, that doesn’t make their own dream any less important if it’s something they’re equally passionate about! The example Kaito is trying to set as a luminary isn’t about inspiring everyone to literally share his goal of going to space, but rather to just be as passionate about their own goals as Kaito is about his!

Kaito:  “Then chase your dream with confidence! Don’t think your dream is too small or you’ll become small yourself!”

Mondo:  “Like hell I’d do something like that! I’m gonna be the best in the universe at my dream!”

Kaito:  “Heh, that’s what I like to hear!”

Exactly! Being a carpenter may be an ordinary job, but that doesn’t make it small and insignificant, not if it’s what Mondo’s really passionate about! And Kaito succeeded in getting Mondo to feel that way! He’s going to be the best carpenter ever!

Kaito is so good. Mondo has a lot of issues he needs to work out, and while Kaito didn’t really begin to get into any of them, he still managed to encourage Mondo to be more positive about his future. I always say that Kaito presents himself with so much overblown confidence to try and set an example for others to do the same, and here’s an instance of that very tangibly working on someone and helping them out.

As a brief interlude between the two Kaito and Mondo scenes, Mondo can end up serving Shuichi from the yakisoba stand he’s working at for the school festival in a second-year seasonal event.

Mondo:  “Thanks for coming, it’s on me!”

Shuichi:  “Hm? That’s… Are you sure?”

Mondo:  “Hey, don’t worry about it. Any buddy of that spaceman is a buddy of mine.”

Aww, Mondo really does appreciate Kaito’s encouragement! He didn’t need to make a thing of it in front of Shuichi at all – Kaito would never know or care that he hadn’t – but he did anyway. Mondo is a good guy. This kind of suggests that maybe he and Kaito have been hanging out offscreen a bit more than the one scene we saw – evidently not to full-on sidekick levels, but at least a little.

Mondo:  “He’s like a younger brother to me. Seriously, it’s on me, man.”

Shuichi:  “…So that’s what he is to you, huh? You’re both the same age, though.”

Yes, Mondo, that is definitely what he is to you. While he’s happy to show his appreciation for Kaito, Mondo doesn’t want to tarnish his tough-guy image (nobody must know how weak he really is!!!) enough to admit that really Kaito’s the one who’s helped him. Mondo is totally a born big brother figure, it’s definitely not like he was actually the little brother who adored and looked up to his big bro or anything.

Shuichi is right to be sceptical, not only because Kaito and Mondo are the same age, but also because he knows that Kaito is always the supportive figure and is highly unlikely to end up being treated like a younger brother by anyone.

Shuichi ends up insisting that he repays Mondo’s free yakisoba sometime and that he’ll bring Kaito along. The three of them hanging out would be adorable! It’s a shame we don’t get to see it.

Then, in one of Mondo’s third year winter events, he ends up bumping into Kaito on a nighttime walk. Most of the scene is just Kaito being very enthusiastic about space and confident about getting there one day.

Mondo:  “With that kinda confidence, I think you might actually make it up there…”

Kaito:  “Well of course! I’m the Ultimate Astronaut, y’know!? Everyone told me it was impossible… But the impossible is possible, all you gotta do is make it so!”

Ayyyy! Of course this is still a thing in this AU. Plus a very rare instance of Kaito referring to himself as the Ultimate Astronaut rather than the Luminary of the Stars, perhaps only because he’s literally talking about being an astronaut and going to space.

Kaito:  “You can always change your present and your future, as long as you don’t give up!”

Mondo:  “You’re right. I can’t change the past, but I can do something for the future.”

But Kaito also reiterates this advice from before, and it really does seem to have got through to Mondo and helped him move on from his brother’s death. This scene doesn’t add much, but it’s nice to underline what Kaito did for Mondo and show that it really did stick.

Kaito:  “Yeah, that’s the spirit! Do your best, even after you graduate, Mondo!”

Mondo:  “Don’t talk to me like that, I’m not one of your sidekicks…”

Heh, I like how this implies that they’ve had enough conversations for Kaito to have told Mondo plenty about his sidekicks, allowing Mondo to have figured out roughly what he really means by the word. Mondo isn’t exactly one of Kaito’s sidekicks, no, since Kaito hasn’t quite made it his personal business to help Mondo out in every single way he can… but since Kaito has helped Mondo out a little anyway, it’s not too far off from that.

It’s almost a shame we don’t get more insight into these conversations they had about Kaito’s sidekicks, because the sidekick thing is rather similar to what Mondo has been doing with Chihiro in this AU, in that Mondo’s been guiding Chihiro through physical training to help him get stronger. Mondo wouldn’t call it this, but Chihiro is effectively his sidekick in Kaito’s definition of the word!

So, even though scenes featuring only DR1 characters would otherwise not really belong in this V3 commentary, I am going to talk a little about the Mondo and Chihiro scenes here for the purposes of comparing their relationship to the one Kaito has with his sidekicks. When I say that, I mean specifically Kaito’s relationship with his sidekicks in canon, since in this AU he’s genuinely fine, but in canon he was not as strong as he was pretending to be, a lot like Mondo. And by “sidekicks” I of course mean particularly Shuichi, since he’s the one Kaito secretly looked up to and saw as already greater than himself, much like Mondo does with Chihiro. See? Similarities! But there are quite a few differences, too.

Mondo and Chihiro have two scenes together, the first a regular friendly event and the second as one of Mondo’s third year seasonal events. The first scene presumably happens not especially long after Chihiro has begun training, because it features him struggling to do even half the push-ups expected of him, while Mondo reassures him that he’s just got to keep working at it. The second scene has Chihiro remark that the exercise makes him feel refreshed, which Mondo points out is great progress when it used to make him feel sore all the time. Chihiro agrees that maybe he really has got at least a little stronger over the past three years, to the point that he’s starting to feel brave enough to tell everyone the truth about himself before they graduate.

Chihiro:  “Even though I can never be as strong as you, I’ve been doing my best… I feel like… I can tell everyone. And it’s all thanks to you, Mondo.”

Mondo:  “Hey, come on. I didn’t do anything special.”

Look at how Chihiro looks up Mondo as the perfect ideal of strength that he’ll never quite be able to reach and has no idea that Mondo has any kind of weakness. That sure is familiar.

Similarly familiar is the way Mondo feels like he barely did anything to help (because it was really all Chihiro’s own strength and hard work, right?). And yet, simply having Mondo there both as an example to strive for and as a friend so that he wasn’t doing this alone made a huge difference from Chihiro’s point of view. It only takes a nudge, but that nudge is vital! You did help him, Mondo!

Mondo:  “Besides, from the very beginning, you…”

Chihiro:  “Huh?”

Mondo:  “…Nah, nothing.”

Obviously, Mondo was about to say that he feels Chihiro has always been strong – stronger than him – but then backed out of admitting it. This is reminiscent of the part in chapter 3’s first training session in which Kaito almost admitted that Shuichi wasn’t weak like Maki was, but then caught himself and changed the subject. In Kaito’s case, though, I think he was only just starting to realise that he saw Shuichi this way and wouldn’t have known how to properly articulate it even if he’d actually tried to (because wouldn’t that mean that Shuichi was never really his sidekick and didn’t really need him at all? and NOPE nope abort let’s just not even think about that). But here with Mondo, I get the sense that he’s already been very consciously aware the whole time that Chihiro is much stronger than him and is simply unwilling to admit it to anyone but himself.

Both our pairs of training buddies have a delightful thing going on where they each look up to their friend for having a kind of strength that they lack and assume that the other is stronger than them because of it. In Kaito and Shuichi’s case, they’re both types of emotional strength: Shuichi’s ability to focus on finding the truth no matter how much it hurts, and Kaito’s ability to keep being positive and upbeat no matter how bad things get. Ultimately, they’re still basically both as strong as each other, just in different ways. But with Mondo and Chihiro, Mondo’s strength is entirely physical, while Chihiro’s strength is entirely emotional, so they’re not really comparable at all. Which means that when it comes to the more meaningful kind of strength, the emotional kind, Chihiro is just stronger than Mondo.

The problem is that Chihiro doesn’t seem to realise that emotional strength is equally if not more important than physical strength. Yet Mondo clearly does, since he knows Chihiro is stronger than him – so if only he’d tell Chihiro that! That’d have helped Chihiro realise what he really needed to be striving for, and that getting physically stronger, even if it’d help him feel more confident in himself, was not really the main point. (If Chihiro had been Kaito’s sidekick, Kaito would absolutely have made that point clear and let Chihiro know that simply by trying to change he’s already grown stronger than he was before.)

Mondo wouldn’t even have needed to mention his own emotional weakness while hypothetically telling Chihiro that emotional strength is more important, so he shouldn’t have had an inherent reason not to do so. Perhaps the issue could be that Mondo was afraid that talking to Chihiro about emotional strength would lead Chihiro to probe about Mondo’s emotional strength too and realise the truth about him.

It could also just be that Mondo wasn’t at all used to this whole having-a-“sidekick” thing. Therefore he felt that the only way he could really help was by helping Chihiro with the thing he is good at, aka physical strength, and he didn’t feel like he was qualified to talk about emotional strength at all. …Essentially what I’m trying to say here is that maybe Mondo didn’t want to talk through Chihiro’s emotional weaknesses while still refusing to admit to his own because he didn’t want to be a giant hypocrite. That’s very possible. After all, he doesn’t have Kaito’s double-standard of “but I’m the hero so it’s different for me because they need me to be strong already” that caused Kaito to not even realise his hypocrisy.

See, Mondo is hiding his weakness here simply out of weakness, that same kind of cowardice that Kaito pointed out in Maki before he convinced her to face her issues and try and change. Mondo’s just too scared to bring his weakness out into the open and have everyone know that he’s not the tough guy he claims to be and that his brother’s death was his fault.

Kaito also didn’t want to admit to his weakness out of fear of shattering the image others have of him, but that was for other people’s sake and not his own, because he was convinced that he wouldn’t be able to support Shuichi or Maki or the others any more if they knew the truth. Mondo also evidently doesn’t want Chihiro to know that he’s weak, but I feel like that’s more for his own sake, because Chihiro looking up to him so much lets him feel strong and helps him continue to hide from the weakness that he’s too scared to admit to. He seems relatively willing to admit to himself that really Chihiro would be fine without him, so it’s not that Mondo thinks revealing his weakness would cause Chihiro any problems.

Although, there is some level of selflessness in Mondo hiding his weakness – not in terms of Chihiro, but in terms of the members of his gang. They all look up to Mondo as their awesome leader who bested his big bro in a bike race (even if that ended tragically, that was Daiya’s fault for getting reckless because he was about to lose, wasn’t it?). So Mondo’s afraid that if they learn the truth and how weak he really is, the whole gang will fall apart. I’d like to believe that’s not actually the case and that his gang members are good enough bros that they’d understand and be supportive of him and still look up to him anyway even if they knew. But it’s hard to be sure of that without knowing much about what they’re like, so it’s possible that Mondo actually does have a more legitimate reason to be afraid of this than Kaito ever did.

Once Mondo and Chihiro are done training in their winter scene and Chihiro has left, Mondo has one last line to himself…

Mondo:  “I wonder… if I can change too. I don’t know if I’ll ever be as strong as you, Chihiro.”

Just admitting to that desire to change is the first step, Mondo! And with that alone, in some ways, Mondo has immediately got further than Kaito ever did in canon.

Admitting it to Chihiro would be a bigger help, though. After all, even Chihiro himself needed someone else to share his problems with in order to be able to change in the way that Mondo is admiring so much. It’s a shame that Mondo can’t even use that as inspiration to find the courage to do that himself, in order to start working on his weaknesses like he so clearly wants to do. You’d only need to tell one person to begin with, Mondo! And Chihiro would keep looking up to you for your physical strength anyway, because that’s a separate thing that you still undeniably have!

(Which was totally a different thing for Kaito, since Shuichi looked up to him for his emotional strength, so surely Kaito admitting that he’s emotionally weak would have ruined that entirely! It couldn’t possibly be that he’s still emotionally strong in some ways even if he’s weak in others and Shuichi would still have every reason to admire him – if he’s weak at all then that instantly means he’s a failure as a hero, right?)

If only Chihiro had ever learned about Mondo’s weakness one way or another, he would definitely have been able to help. Even if he wouldn’t have exactly known how to, he’s an absolute sweetheart who’d have done his best anyway to try and reassure and encourage Mondo that if even Chihiro can work to get stronger and admit his secret to everyone, surely Mondo can too!

It does seem like Mondo made some decent progress over his time at Hope’s Peak, based on this winter scene with Kaito and another one with Taka in which he openly talks about his plans to quit the gang and become a carpenter (Taka is adorably proud that he wants to put in the effort and contribute to society). That’s a little bit thanks to Kaito, but also a lot thanks to simply having friends like Chihiro and Taka and having had time to reflect on things. But if only he’d been brave enough to confess his weakness and what happened to his brother to at least just Chihiro, they could have talked about it more and Mondo could have made a lot more progress on the real root of his issues. Alas.

[fantasyizlife]

My Savagez pt 10

Paring: Tom Holland and Harrison Osterfield x reader (AU)

Summary: Tom, Haz and Y/N are in a loveship built so uniquely by your own three beating hearts no one could break it apart. But what happens when buried past don't stay buried? Will your love survive? Will you survive? How much of their past is going to test and take from each of you? Only time and endurance will tell.

Side note: Loosely based off of the movie Savages

Word count: 11k+

Warnings: fluff angst smut. 18 and older type of vibe

The next few weeks flew by in a blur as I trained hard and built myself into something I never thought I could be, a savage, and I would do anything to protect my family, so I excelled. I was introduced to Zendaya, one of the smartest and prettiest team members. She and I became close as she taught me how to become deadly and lure people of both sexes to my advantage. She had been apart of a secret and highly classified entity called Silky Touch, they trained her in the fine art of lethal seducing, it made me that much more braver in bed with Tom and helped me learn what Haz needed before he knew it. Harry had the most fun with me, always taking me out of my indoor training and letting me get used to looking at dangerous factors around me and how to use some elements to my advantage. He had nicknamed me Crofty after Lara Croft. Sam taught me to use my head to see things in plain sight that others couldn't. Much of our time was focused on evolving my other senses so he blindfolded me, I quickly became second at assessing my environment. Tom was more attuned than any of us. Tom was also the one who was most physical with me. He trained me on self defense and how to kick ass. He never went easy on me either. It hurt like hell but I endured it and as I grew I felt confident and powerful. Haz trained my reflex skills and endurance, he was mentally stronger than any of them and now I knew some secrets in how he had such self control when it came to physical wants and needs.

That didn’t help me in the bedroom because seriously, I couldn't get enough of either one of them. We never got to the part where we had a schedule like Tom had suggested. We just went with the flow. It was natural for us. The only small difference was if Tom walked in on us kissing or any other forms of pda he made it clear for us to knock it off. We respected that. Harrison couldn't care less, he's stayed quite a few times when me and Tom were making out until he was sent away. If I had sex with Tom or with Harrison it was done in the privacy of their own room and they had a floor to themselves. Tom was on the first floor Harrison was on the third. They built me a dance studio and I had my own bedroom in between them. It was the best choice I had made because I swear as the days went by, my libido got out of control. The shift in my attitude and self confidence had me ending any training with Haz or Tom with a encore of them inside me, they had gotten spoiled by it. My breast seemed more sensitive to the touch, my stomach quivered at the innocent of touches. Even my orgasms seemed more powerful, I felt every sensation and if not for the quiet floor between them, I’m 100% sure the other would have heard my cries of pleasure. I can’t tell you how many times I wished I had them both at the same time, I was that out of control. But it was their fault, they spoiled me just as much!

My only demand was that if they wanted to sleep overnight with me I had an open door policy. My room was the safe zone and every night they both made their way next to me. Some nights we went to bed together. Most nights TomTom would come in quietly if I was asleep and hold me close. It's how I learned to know how bad of  a trip he had, Tom had become obsessed with finding this leader and taking him out, they were getting so close. Harrison made it a habit to wake me with a kiss and tell me he loved me no matter the time when he returned. It was his way of making peace in his soul so he could sleep. He didn't obsess like Tom did but again, he had the most self control outta all of us. Haz worried on the inside exactly the opposite of Tom. But I could read it in his eyes same as Tom's body language. Being away from them even one at a time was hard. I couldn’t ever imagine living without one or the other. They filled up both sides of my home, my bed, my heart and most of all my soul. We all wanted this to end. They had promised me no more jobs after it was done. We would move and settle down somewhere off the grid and grow old together. At least that was the plan for now. I had opened a dance studio for all ages, I wanted to keep doing what I loved and it allowed me to stay true to my heart. We had all come up with the name Tiny dancerz and Little Savagez to appeal to both girls and boys. It gained popularity quick and before I knew it, I had a full studio every day and night we were open. They had surprised me by expanding it another level making it available for adults who wanted to learn to dance too. Zendaya was really happy to help me out with that. She even opened the doors Saturday nights to adults who wanted to learn the art of pole dancing, needless to say we never taught that class alone. Haz insisted on playing DJ and actually loved it, so did the kids. Tom had become smitten with the ideal of showing these young boys that you could be cool and knowing how to dance just made them coolier for the young ladies. He was roped into teaching his own all male ballet class before we ended our second month of opening. Things were feeling so great in life that the looming threat of danger almost faded out of minds and conversations. We ended our first summer on a high note! Tom and Haz had surprised us all by setting up a talent show for a back to school kick off and the winner of each category would win an all expense paid shopping spree for back to school gear. Little did every smiling child in our studio know they were all winners.

It was Zendaya's birthday and we threw her a party at an exclusive nightclub owned by Jacob. Tom and Harrison had surprised me with a sexy black dress, along with new jewelry and topped off with fuck me ruby red and black stilettos to match. The dress was tight and clung to my curves with designed see-thru patterns. It barely covered the skin they were designed to cover, wearing a bra or panties proved impossible. Part of me wondered if Haz had picked this out, Tom would have never allowed such a risk, especially in public. I completed my look with red lips and dark smokey eyes, giving me that dark sexy edge I was feeling inside. Tonight was going to be different I could feel it as I walked down the stairs to my savagez who were waiting for me. Tom looked me up and down three fucking times, his eyes grew darker each time. His jaw twitched as he eyed the amount of skin that was on display. He bit his tongue as he looked back at Harrison who was eye fucking me with those sky blue eyes that sparkled with a lusty need that instantly heated my core. I felt the energy between all three of us and we were on fire.

“Mine” Tom said at the exact same time Harrison said “Dibs”  They looked at each other in surprise and back to me as if I had an answer.

I shook my head and grabbed a glass of ice and poured my Ciroc slowly as they watched and waited. I leaned against the counter and crossed my legs feeling the wetness already brought on by the way they were looking at me.

“Perhaps tonight I get what I want” I said slow with intent looking at Tom first. He shook his head no before the words came out, he always said no “I want you both or I sleep alone” I winked

“Hey that's not fair angel!” Harrison said playfully pouting as he walked over to me in his all black suit. His eyes grew heavy as he traced the tops of my breast with his soft finger tips that sparkled with glitter lotion.

“Perhaps we could just meet Tom at the party, we could be a little late” his voice was laced with desire and it make my sex throb with need.

Tom cleared his throat in an agitated tone. I locked eyes with him as I drank my glass down and Haz refilled it. I raised my eyebrows at Tom letting him know I understood I was pushing his limits. I shook my head as I smiled at him loving the way he just took control of my body as it shifted to wanting rough sex only he could give me. I was dancing on the edge of darkness with Tom and I loved it. He looked away trying to hide his grin as he adjusted his hard on.    

“Yeah your right Hazzi, but I have to make it fair and I’m not choosing between my sexy savagez, so we can sleep together as always but you both have to keep your hands off me when I make myself cum, if either of you can’t handle that then, you’ll need to stay in your own big boy beds” I downed my second glass and headed out to the limo as they shook their heads.

It was packed with people we knew and some we didn't. But all were thoroughly checked with tight security. I swear I always felt more guarded than the queen of England herself. But even the queen was visible to the eyes of all that surrounded her and as for me tonight, I felt a lot of eyes on me. The looks I got from eager attractive eyes caused Tom to yank me against his side as we walked straight in and up to the VIP area. I giggled into his neck as held me against him overlooking the packed club. Haz passed us drinks and snaked his arm around my waist pulling me in for a quick kiss. Tom followed with one of his own. They were making it known I was spoken for, as if anyone would even test them. The thought made me giggle again.

“Don't think for a fucking second I won't kill them just for looking at you like that" Tom growled in my ear making me feel that primal beast in him, this mood made him fuck me the hardest. His hands slid down my arms, onto my hips and he gripped them making me bend forward just enough to show me, in these new heelz, I was at perfect height to get fucked right here. I quickly grabbed his hand and pushed it away as he discovered I wasn’t wearing panties.

I moved into Harrisons arms before Tom could take me out of here and punish me. Haz must have known as he shielded me from Toms wrath. I stuck my tongue out at Tom and Haz kissed my forehead, he mouthed MINE to me and smirked. We were surprised from behind as Zendaya hugged Tom tight breaking his controlling glare that was making me melt between my legs. She pulled us all in for hugs and pictures as we started the night off right.

We spent almost the entire time in VIP. It was nearing midnight and it was Z’s pleading that let my buzzed savagez give in to letting us all go downstairs to dance before the foam countdown that started in an hour. If they dance with me, this will go down as the best party ever, and possibly our best night! I had to act quick if I really had any shot of getting them the way I truly craved.

“Let us dance and you men buy drinks, don’t worry, we can handle any trouble” I smiled as we grinded to the beat. Tom shook his head no but at least made a compromise.

One thing was certain. Tom and Harrison would never leave me by myself in this place. Not for a second. They already knew there wasn’t a guy with balls big enough to even try to hit on me me while my possessive savagez were hovering. But they would never risk it.

“Haz you stay here, I’ll grab drinks” Tom gave me a knowing glance. I was drunk and on cloud nine. “I’ll be right back Starling, then we’ll dance” He kissed me slow and deep. I stood there frozen wanting more as he turned and disappeared.

I danced with only Z as poor Harrison stood there like a bodyguard, just watching me. We had been working on his rhythm and I knew he was itching to to dance with me. So I lured him in.

Haz was so irresistibly sexy, my hands reached out to touch every inch of his hard body. We were hidden by the dancing crowd, the bodies moving like waves in a ocean under the pulsating lights. I could feel my body wanting to give in to the sexual tension I have fought all night. My mind, heart and body wanted them both so fucking bad, but knowing it would never happen and it left me frustrated. I had even avoided all contact with them the last hour before we came to the dance floor. I knew this feeling of wanting them both would pass. I just didn’t want to keep tourchericzzhing myself with the thought. Now here I was looking at my Hazzi like a snack after TomTom just reignited the desire, FUCK. Harrison kissed my neck soft and nibbled my ear.

“Shit Hazzi, I can’t stay focused out here, we should wait for Tom” I said as he rocked his hips against mine to the beat. He bit his lip and shook his head no, pulling me into him harder. I pulled back, scanning the sea of bodies for Tom. Haz held my face and tilted my chin towards the far side of the dance floor. Tom smiles at us and mouths MINE, as lifts a glass of beer to his lickable lips. His elbow rests on a table next to him, with two more drinks. His dark ruby red suit is unbuttoned at the neck. If there’s any emotion in his beautiful scowl, I don’t see it. Either i’m really drunk or Tom is truly expressionless, almost stern, he’s so hard to read. I have second thoughts about dancing, he has me disoriented yet again. Then he winks, and everything inside me melts. Fuck, he’s sexy, and he knows it. So does every woman in the club. Two girls start circling, creeping in from both sides, trapping him, so they thought. When they reach him, their lips move at different times, no doubt offering him the best of themselves at one time. His jaw twitches as his eyes never leave mine and Tom doesn't respond to them. So they follow his eyes and frown at me as I mouthed MINE. They must have had something to trigger him. Because the glare he shoots at them widens their eyes. I almost feel bad for them as they turn and stomp away.

“Come on y/n” Harrison raises his voice above the music as (Dangerous Woman by Ariana Grande) pumping through the air “Dance with your Hazzi”

I unglue my feet from the sticky floor and follow him deeper into the dance floor chaos. When he slows at the center, I keep going, pulling on his hand and bouncing to the music. I came here with two men, and I want to see them both have fun. So I head toward the far edge and stop a few feet from Tom. My brown curly haired savage licks his lips and gives me a commanding nod that tells me to dance. I find the beat, mentally tapping out the count and moving my drunk and limber body in motions designed to stir both their desires. The movements start with my head and work their way down to my feet. A hair toss, hip roll, and step together. I feel it, work it, and strip the last of my inhibitions beneath Toms heated gaze. Harrison dances around me, keeping it clean as he tries to not be insecure with his newly found ability to dance. He doesn't know that the 10 eyes around us are all women and they are watching him, wanting a shot at catching his sky blue eyes. When it comes to a man dancing in a club, less is more, and he has that figured out. He puts his personality into it, and every move has swagger mixed with a cute shyness. And he gains more attention as he loses himself in the lust he's feeling for me. His soft hands go up my sides and he rubs his fingers on my exposed neck as he moved my hair to the side and kissed it soft. Harrisons mouth licks and bites my flesh in a sensual pattern lick, bite, lick, bite. Every action is delieberte, sensual, and undeniably confident. I close my eyes as my breathing becomes labored. He moves his hips to the beat and l moan out loud at his hard cock. Damn, he knows what he’s doing. Whenever he stops one action, he makes sure he’s touching me somehow, always keeping the connection. He turns me to face him and my eyes fly open as our flush bodies melted together. He grabbed my thigh and lifted my leg. My naked kitty was glistening with my silky wetness and he kissed me as he dry fucked me slowly on that dance floor. I lost all sense of where we were as he held my body hard against him and rocked his cock up and down, making me moan into his mouth. He broke the kiss and set my leg down, making sure he held me up as I gathered myself. I rested my flush face on his shoulder and he kissed my face. I let out a flustered sigh, my body was on fire.

“I’m sorry, I just got lost in the moment y/n” he said rubbing my face as he noticed how far gone I looked. “I can sneak you outta the back, just say the word” he smiled sweetly

“Toms going to kill us” I said peeking over his shoulder in Toms direction. Yep there he was, watching every moment. He was drinking his beer and chewed his lip as we locked eyes.

(Cookie by R Kelly) fuels the room, charging the air with seductive energy.  I point my finger at Tom, mouthing, “dance with me” The corner of his frown twists upward, but he doesn’t move. Stubborn man. He can fight it if he likes, but I’m going to lure him in. I turn around, find his dark eyes over my shoulder, and worked my ass just for him. That earns me a real smile, inspiring me to work my ass to the floor, low, lower. Then I slide back up. And come face to face with Harrison.

Perspiration glistens on his forehead, his breathing is heavy and his body is burning with hunger. I rock my body up against him and he put his hand on my ass. He grips it hard, grinding with me in time with the music. Bump, bump, bump, we’re caught in it. Contagious, suggestive, the bumps roll into waves that ripple down our bodies. My hand falls to his shoulder, and his arms hang at his sides and slightly behind him, giving me full access to his hard sexy body. I indulge, drifting my other hand down his abs, tracing his muscle through the shirt, and lingering on the button of his pants. I bite my lip looking at his cock at full attention, SHIT, I want him right here. He leans in, leans out, putting a sexy roll into it. With each movement forward and back, he grows closer, smoother, sliding up against me. Then we’re grinding again, feeling the same rhythm and motion, and dancing as one. This is where it’s at. The sizzling burn. The fire and thunder that started before we had left for the club. Our hips locked together. Our eyes connect, and I’m buzzing, lost in the lusty blue of his gaze. He doesn’t just look at me. He eats me alive with his eyes. My pulse quickens. My blood pumps, hot and fast, beneath my skin. The rock of his pelvis controls the pace of my mine, and his hands caress my back, molding around my waist, and slipping down inside my bare thighs, I toss my head back welcoming the touch. Then there are four hands. My gaze flies to Haz, but I don’t need to see his relaxed expression to know who’s behind me. I’m intimately familiar with the touch of those fingers, above where Harrison has his hands, stopping the free show of my naked skin with dominating pressure. The scent of my TomTom warms my senses as he slides up behind me, gripping my hips and taking control. He slows it down. Sets the pace. Pulls me closer. Grabs me a little tighter. And lets me feel his rhythm. And his hardness. I tremble as my breaths grow faster. What are they doing to me? Harrison moves in, pressing his chest to mine and holding my face in his hands. His gaze is electric, sparking with desire. As hard as I look, I don’t see jealousy or frustration. His smile’s too bright. But those blue eyes are deep orbs of trouble. Doesn’t matter that I’m with both of them tonight. He’s going to tease me until I’m dripping, and it’ll run down my legs because FUCK, I’m not wearing panties. He rocks against me, sandwiching my body between him and Toms. His rhythm is faster, like the beat but not like the hips crushed against my ass. Tom tightens his grip, tries to take back control. But Harrison changes it up, drops it here, stops it right there, and returns to a slow grind. They go back and forth, fighting for the lead in our erotic dance. Pushing and pulling. Slowing down and speeding up. Until a beautiful thing happens. Our rhythm syncs, and our hips grind in unison, as if connected, like our souls. They stop fighting and work together, falling into the perfection that was us. I’m in heaven. Nothing is sexier than dancing between my savagez who want me as much as I want them. Harrisons smile. The press of Toms hands. The heavy sounds of their breaths. The sexual way they move against me. I could do this forever. Tom maintains the connection by leaning around me to see my face. I lean back, keeping my hips pinned between theirs and holding his gaze. We dance like that through several songs before taking a break to catch our breaths and drink. Then we dance some more. The longer I’m held between them, the bolder my hands become. Strong necks, hard pecs, muscular forearms with pulsing veins, swollen cocks. I touch them everywhere, rubbing, caressing, stroking. I’m burning up, soaked between my legs, and shaking with the impossible need to fuck them. Their own arousal vibrating through their bodies doesn’t help. They seem to have forgotten each other, their mouths and hands aggressively focused on me. When Harrisons lips capture mine, I tense up and try to pull back. He grips my neck and deepens the kiss, chasing my tongue and going wild. Then Tom is there, taking my mouth from Haz and stealing his own kiss before Haz takes it back. They pass me between them, over and over, controlled by a desire that grows greedier by the second. We continue to dance, three souls spiraling in a private world of kissing, neck licking, lip biting, and ass grabbing. Whatever this is, it’s reckless, carnal, dangerous, just like our love for each other. And we don’t seem capable of stopping. It’s too powerful, too deliciously tempting as it wraps around us and attempts to break every rule. The energy between us crackles across my skin, turning the longing inside me into a physical ache. I’ve never experienced sexual tension like this. It seethes and growls like a wild animal, as it follows us off the dance floor and stays with us during the ride home.

Harrison opens the door for me and Tom climbs in first pulling me next to him as the door closes. I squirm between them, clenching my thighs together and seeking relief. The only release for what I need is in the form of two tense men next to me. Neither of them speak or make eye contact. The phone sounding breakable beneath Harrison’s grip, and I’m not sure Tom is even breathing. I’m too drunk and hot for this nonsense.  

 “Is it just me, or is there a lot of tension in here?” I giggled. Silence. More tension. Then Harrisons eyes find mine in the flashing lights from the street. “I call dibs on the cold shower.” I arch my brow. He returns his attention to the road and tightens his grip on my now bouncing knee. I need one of those sweet hugs from Haz that turns into a primal fucking against the wall that Tom loves to give me. I want their hands on me, pulling my hair and forcing my legs open. I want them to fuck me like they hate me. It’s physically painful to just sit here, staring at their rigid bodies and breathing in the testosterone too thick for this confined space.

By the time the limo pulls into our driveway, my face is flushed and my thighs are drenched. Leaping out of it, I dart toward the door with thoughts of self-pleasure in a cold shower. When I step into the kitchen, an arm grabs my waist. My feet lose contact with the floor, and I’m tossed over a hard, broad shoulder. “Harrison!” I grip the back of his shirt and squirm to get free. “What are you doing?” He carries me through the living room, caressing a hand up the back of my thigh. With my head hanging upside down, I watch us fly up the stairs to the hall outside of my bedroom, the one we all share. I’m straining my head up to look for Tom. He’s going to be heated. They might even fight..FUCK ME..not that, anything but that!

“Not cool Hazzi” I take in a sharp breath as Harrisons fingers sink into my sex, sliding through my wet silk and pinching my clit. “Fuck, angel” he whispers in a half moan “You’re so wet baby”

 I brace my hands on his back and lift my head, meeting sinfully dark brown eyes. “Tom?” His scowl is deep, but I can’t read its meaning. Harrison’s fingering my pussy right in front of him, and he’s not stopping it. Instead, he slowly trails behind us and unbuttons the cuffs on his shirt with methodical flicks of his rough fingers. I narrow my eyes at him, and he narrows his right back. Something shifts, in the depths of his eyes and the tick of his perfect jaw. Something carnal and tameless. His expression darkens, and he is loving that even though I’m being fingered by Haz,  I’m waiting for him to tell me it’s okay. He smirks as he storms past Haz and leads the way to the bedroom. SHIT, my head spins as I feel a slap on my naked ass. They laugh together.

 I know things got out of hand on the dance floor. Wild and uncontrolled, we worked ourselves to a feverish ache. As I hang upside down over Harrisons shoulder, my fingers tingle with the need to touch. A fluttering ache persists in my chest, and there’s another, more demanding beat thats throbbing between my legs. But Haz and Tom can’t possibly intend to do anything about it. Not in the ways I fantasized during the ride home. Right? Right. They don’t share, TOMTOM don’t share. Haz carries me into the bedroom and drops me on the bed. I land on my back, and he follows me down. His expression is pure needing lust, I’ve never seen this look from him, his hands move like charged static as he pulls on my dress and hikes it up my hips. I twist my head, seeking Tom, but he’s already here, falling on me with ferocious caresses and a starving mouth. “You’re not..” I gasp at the sharp scrape of Toms teeth against my ass. “We can’t..” Haz devours my words, plunging his tongue past my lips and swallowing my air. I squirm and writhe between them, clamping my legs together, desperate to be fucked while struggling to slam on the brakes. Haz  works my dress over my chest, my head, and off, leaving me completely bare, except my heels. Then his hands are everywhere, stroking my hips, my thighs, and between my legs while Tom kisses me breathless. Their hot mouths and impatient fingers flood me with warmth and loosen my knees. I want this but we can’t do this. Tom will resent it the most. They’ll hate each other, most likely me. I try to break the kiss, but it’s Tom who presses closer, harder, tangling our tongues. I try to wriggle away, but I’m out matched, overpowered. Four hands. Two mouths. One of me. Harrison moves down my body, licking and nuzzling my hips as he caresses me from chest to toes as he removes my heels. When Tom releases my lips to bite my neck, I find my voice. “Why are you doing this? You’ll regret..” Tom grips my throat in a familiar iron fist. “Shut the fuck up.” His tone and the heat of his command, I’m a slave to it. I quickly use our safe rules from our private moments when Tom’s being too rough as I scratch his wrist that holds my neck too tight and he lightens the pressure just enough to allow me to breath again.

“Do something for me y/n.” he said in a seductive tone and I look away feeling so confused.

Harrison climbs over me, his fingers sliding down the zipper of his pants, next the button. I whimper, flicking my gaze between him and Tom, I almost want to panic. Toms eyes are serious.   

“Get out of your own damn head y/n and enjoy this” he demanded “Nod if you understand” Toms jaw tightens as he waits for me to respond. I nod franticly once I know he’s really okay with this.

Haz yanks off his shirt and attacks my breast with tongue and teeth. Tom releases my throat and moves to my chest, licking and sucking my other breast. My hands fly to their heads, holding them to me and pushing them away as my entire world comes undone in a crashing wave of need. Enjoy this. That isn’t the problem. What freaks me out is the regret I’ll see in their eyes tomorrow morning. They are polar opposites in the bedroom and we have never once discussed what happens between me and Haz or me and Tom. When I’m with them, I’m only with them, they give me what I need and I give them all of me. SHUT UP BRAIN..my body screams! I truly have a war going on inside my head without one of them to keep reassuring me.

But Tom don’t share, he loves that he has always been my first of everything, it was never planned that way. He glows with pride that he can control me with his eyes and words alone. This man has given me multiple orgasms every time he’s inside me, hell sometimes when he’s not inside me. Tom fucks me, Tom fucks me hard and with each thrust I feel the love he gives only to me. He is the air I breathe and he would give me his last breath. Tom is cold metal on my hot flesh that he makes burn for him. I belong to him in ways I don’t with... Harrison...SHIT HAZ!

Harrison makes love, he don’t fuck. In fact he shuts down my body when it goes into that primal fucking frenzy mode. He’s an expert at calming my soul and making my body feel our connection before I even have an orgasm. Haz cherishes my body and soul in a way Tom can’t compete with. In his arms I feel like I’m his everything and he is mine. There has been times when Harrison has had me so completely lost in him I didn’t want to be let go. He is warm wood to my cold soul. He is the first one I fell in love with, noone but me knows that, but it’s true. I’ll take that to my grave.

How will Haz feel tomorrow after he sees how much Tom can control all the pieces of me. And how will Tom feel after seeing Haz bring me to tears by the way he looks into my soul? Yeah, just enjoy this.

There are so many conflicting thoughts pounding in my head, but I need to remember we’re all adults. No one is here against his will. They’re controlling this, and whether or not they thought through it, they’re committed to it. Inching down my body, Harrison palms my ass, squeezes my thighs, and slides his hand between my legs, spreading the moisture. Tom tears off his shirt and returns to my mouth, kneading my breasts with strong rough fingers. Then he lifts on his knees, and I watch with ragged breaths as he unzips his pants and strips the last of the clothes from his body. His cock springs free, inches from my face, and my mouth waters with a rush of saliva. He’s beautifully blessed, both thick and long. His tip is beading with pre-come. Kneeling beside my head, he angles over me and rests the tip against my lips. I don’t wait another second. I stick out my tongue, savoring his salty taste as Harrison grips my thighs and places them around his shoulders. Then he lowers his head and buries his tongue, licking me aggressively. “Fuck!” My back arches, and my heart slams out of control. The instant my mouth opens on a choked gasp, Tom shoves in his cock. No way. NO WAY! This is happening. I open my throat wide and he pushes deep, staying there as he pumps hard. I grip the base in my fist. I could tell by his thrust he was in a different zone and not holding back, this was my way to keep him from fucking my mouth too hard. Then we’re rocking, grinding, licking, and groping. They are muscle and flesh, passion and sin, flexing and burning beneath my greedy fingers. They surround me, consume me, twisting us into a tangle of sweaty limbs and shameless self indulgence. There are so many hands on my body I’m delirious beneath the sensations. I’ve never seen them this worked up, this desperate to fuck me, not even alone. They don’t look at each other, yet somehow, they avoid each other’s touches. As I swallow and suck Tom’s cock, Harrison’s blonde head moves between my legs. He closes his eyes and groans as he taste my sex. I grow wetter with each thrust in my mouth and his jaw grinding against me, his face is soaked, tongue so deep his nose is rubbing my clit into a frenzy as he tongue fucks me with deep strokes, his tongue is wide and long, he always has me cumming in moments, I’m so close. Tom shoves a hand in my hair, gripping my head almost sensing it. Then he rolls to his back and takes me with him. I fall to my side, curled around Tom’s leg with my cheek on his abs as he drives himself into my mouth. My legs tangled around Harrison’s shoulders, and he repositions, running his hands up and down my thighs and lifting my ass toward his face. Restraining me in his unbending grip, he spreads me open and sinks his fingers deep inside. I freeze against the penetration, moaning around Toms cock in my mouth. Tom growls and reaches for my chest, pinching the fuck out of my nipple. With an anguished moan, I lick up and down his shaft. Suck hard on the head and break away for air to tell Haz no! Tom grips my face to his. No way will he let Haz have the first of this! Will he? I watch wide eyed as Tom looks at Haz and Haz looks at him while eating my pussy and carefully playing with my ass. The wetness on his face makes me moan FUCK. I’m going to explode. My eyes roll into my head and Tom grips my throat letting me know I better not. I watch as Tom clears his throat and Harrison stops working me, looking at Tom.The heaving of their breaths vibrate through the room. Their hands are rough and ruthless, their bodies hard and demanding. They can seduce my mind, make love to my flesh, and enslave my soul. I’m already theirs. Affectionate fingers stroke through my hair, tangling and straightening, Harrison. A thumb finds my clit, circling and pinching without apology, Tom. Together, they ignite a trail of fire from my head to my toes, making me restless, fevered, and insanely more turned on. Harrison leans up and removes his pants. I watch him over my shoulder as he kneels behind me, his long cock standing from between powerful thighs, his pre-cum is dripping, he’s ready. I meet his smoldering blue eyes and shiver. Is Haz going to fuck me or will he make love? And SHIT! Right now... while I’ll be sucking off Tom! Tom gives Haz something that's round and sparkling like a diamond, I barely catch the clear nub attached to it. My eyes widen as Harrison dips it into my dripping sex and circles my anus, slowly he pushes it in. I freeze and grip Toms damp skin.

“Breath sexy girl, it will help you be ready for me, I promise” Tom says holding my face, for the first time he can’t control my rampant thoughts. Tom nods for Haz to come to me. I’m on the verge of panic. Haz kisses my hot face and forces my eyes to find his sweet sky blue eyes.

“I love you angel, Tom loves you and you love us, please let us give you what you want. We want this just for you, right TomTom” he says soft looking at Tom. I look at Tom an he smiles big trying not to laugh and wreck the sexual mountain we have climbed to get here. He winks at Haz and locks eyes with me “I love you starling same as Haz does, let us give you this, just once, how can we prove to you this is what we want?” he begs..Tom never begs. My head and heart has just aligned with my physical needs and my body is grateful. I pull his lips to mine and kiss him passionate, I fist his curly brown hair as I fist Harrisons blonde hair and kiss him the same. I pull Toms hair with dominance, shocking him and bringing his gasping open mouth into mine and Harrisons kiss. Our tongues dance wild and unsure at first, each of them pulling away but being held by my pleading moans and tightening grip in their hair. Just like our dancing earlier that night we found our rhythm just like our bodies did on that dance floor. I clenched my sex as I nearly exploded when I backed away and they kept kissing. FUCK, they were beautiful. I let go of their hair and started to stroke them slowly. Both of them moaning into each others mouths as I rolled the pre-cum around their heads and applied pressure. They opened their eyes in shock and looked at me smirking at my slickness. “That was fucking hot” I moaned.

Toms eyes flashed primal as he slapped me hard on my ass and Harrison twisted what he had inserted inside my ass just moments ago.”WOW” I cried out loud, it felt fucking amazing.     

Tom lifts me, adjusting my body on hands and knees between his legs. Then he caresses my face and holds me with his gaze in the space of a breathless moment. Tom isn’t a lover like Harrison, but Tom does love me. And in this moment I’m reminded of our first time, and the few times he’s softer in the bedroom, he’s vulnerable for me, only me. Seduction isn’t a kiss or a touch. It’s this. The mystery and intelligence in his eyes. Our connection it reinforces. The intoxication of feeling the depth of Toms emotions. He undresses our skin and strips us down to our souls until we’re bared to each other in every way, until his love fills me completely, it becomes the life force that pumps my heart. Then he blinks, breaking our spell and lowering his attention to my lips. “Open up, my tiny dancer.” he growls as he twists my hair in his hand on my head, he guides my mouth onto his waiting cock. Sliding past my lips, he sinks slowly, hot and heavy on my tongue, tasting so good. He pushes deep, deeper, and holds me on him as my throat relaxes around the fullness of him. I breathe through it, my thoughts drifting to Harrison right before he cups my breast and squeezes my pebbled nipple. I groan for more and lift my ass, spreading wider in inviting Haz to take me. On his knees behind me, he fits himself against my opening and rams, hard and mercilessly, inside me. FUCK! I feel that...the stretch, the savage burn as he pulls out and slams my pussy again. Harrison has never fucked me and DAMN, this change is erotic and shocking. I’m having an out of body experience thinking of the switch these two just pulled. Harrison gives me a few seconds to adjust. I hover my mouth over Tom’s cock, afraid I might bite him as I brace for the way Harrison fucks. With a sharp exhale, Harrison lets go, pounding deep against my core, fucking me hard, gripping my ass, twisting and pushing the toy in my ass, panting, and moaning my name something fierce. Tom sits up and shifts to his knees, same position Harrison is behind me. With a hand gripping my throat, he shoves himself into my mouth, thrusting slower than Harrison but no less hard. I suck him with everything I have while reaching up his chest toward his face. He clamps his fingers around mine, holding our hands against his heart. Then they fuck me, tugging at my hair and pinning my body between the force of their need. It’s carnal, filthy, perfect. Everything I imagined it would be. Harrison picks up the pace, holding tight to my hips as he pumps into me, over and over. Licking up and down Tom’s length, I stare up into fathomless eyes and melt beneath their scorching heat. My eyes glaze over and Tom tells me to cum on Harrisons cock as he slips out of my mouth. I scream out Harrisons name as he fucks me even harder. My arms give out from the power of the orgasm as I come down he stops and pulls out. “Be right back.” Harris says and leaves the bed. I turn my neck to watch him walk gloriously naked toward the bathroom.

Tom pushes my face back to his and pulls me up his chest. “Show me how perfect we fit together.” he says softly as he adjusts my legs to straddle his hips. I move without hesitation, positioning his cock and sliding down slowly, loving every long thick inch. His bigger cock is still a force I have to adjust to, but he lets me adjust, he’s being quiet and his rough hands touch me slowly as he waits to be all the way connected. I force my pussy to take him all in, feeling the stretch around his savage cock and the toy still in my ass, I feel fuller than I ever felt with this position. His mouth falls open silently, and his chin lifts, the veins in his neck stretching against his skin. I roll my hips slowly, and he groans, eyes closed as pleasure sweeps across his face. He’s fucking beautiful. I feel like I’m making love to him now for the first time he’s ever made love. Tom has forgotten his need for control and is lost on the way he feels inside me. I feel the tears prick my eyes when he opens his. “I love you y/n” he croaks with emotion as he wipes my face and kisses down my neck as I cum again “I love you too TomTom”

Harrison returns from the bathroom with a tube of something and pauses beside the bed, watching Tom move inside me, making love to me, more..me making love to him. My nerves creep in, coiling my stomach. Harrison won’t stop looking at us. I can’t deal. I press a hand against Tom’s hip and he slides out. The air shifts again and I push through my own thoughts

“Harrison?” I say trying not to over think this “We can stop. We don’t have to...” the panic rises.

“Lie back down angel” Harrison winks as he grips his hard cock and strokes it from root to tip.

He lays on the bed and pulls me gently on top of him adjusting my legs around him. I stair in his eyes and feel relief as he smiles. “I love you /n” he says kissing me quick. “I love you too Hazzi”

Tom clears his throat and I lift my eyes to his..oh shit..that look, that dark swirling storm is heading straight to my core. That's Toms look when he’s about to fuck me until I can’t be fucked anymore look.  “Ass in the air y/n” he commands showing me the tube labeled Back Door. My eyes go wide and Tom bites his lip before moving onto the bed with us. My heart hammers in my chest, both excited and scared. I knew we were going there..but..but is he going to take me there while Haz is inside me? We should have a conversation about this, but as Harrison rubs his head on my silky sex and pushes himself all the way in and pumps his hips slowly, Tom seems to be more interested in the conversation between that toy and my back door. His touch presses it in and swirles it in bigger circles as he adds more pressure, I shock myself with a loud moan, and I gulp down a breath when he removes it, leaving me shaking on Haz. I can’t breathe...did I just cum again? Shit, I did and they know it “You’re so fucking wet” Tom slides his thumb toward my pussy, gathering my sex and smearing it over my anus. “I don’t even need lube.” he says so sexy and dark “Yes, you do!” I glare at him over my shoulder and soften my voice. “I’ve never done this…” double penetration. My face reddens. I can’t even say it out loud. “Have either of you?”

Tom shakes his head no, eyes on his prize as he slips in a wet finger working slow past my fear. What else can he see down there? Harrisons cock stretching me open? His balls against me? “What about you?” I turn back to Harrison. “You’re my first and last” He holds my face with both hands, searching my eyes. My chest squeezes. If I could have one wish, it would be to wake up tomorrow to the sound of their hearts beating happily against mine. “Please, don’t regret this” My breaths quicken as the lubed crown of Toms cock nudges against me, seeking entry. “I would never regret being inside of you,” Harrison says “Me either y/n, now breathe, baby trust us” Tom leans over my back and trails kisses up my spine, his voice thick with hunger. “Push against me.” I let my lungs do what they’re supposed to do and crane my neck to check out the positioning. Harrisons legs are together behind me with Tom and me straddling his hips. They look comfortable…considering the circumstances. I turn back and press against Tom, without taking my eyes off Haz. Pressure ignites a dull ache in my back opening, stretching and filling. Tom sinks deeper with a hiss of self satisfaction, his fingers biting against my hips to stop his instinct to thrust hard into me. I know how long he’s wanted this. It doesn’t take long before the sting ripples into the most erotic pleasure I’ve felt.

Tom bears down with gentle, shallow strokes, shooting tingles through my sensitive tissues. It feels so damn good it’s almost too much. Too many sensations. Too much fullness. Harrisons eyes tell me he feels it, too. He brushes the hair from my face and traces his fingers down my neck, rocking against me in a hypnotic rhythm. They’re inside me. Both of them. Physically, and emotionally. The mattress beneath me disintegrates and time ceases to exist. I only feel. Them, us, joined in a way I never thought would happen and may never happen again. “How are you doing sexy girl?” Tom brushes his lips against my back. “I might die if you don’t move faster TomTom” I don’t have to ask twice. He rolls into a swift grind, sliding his cock in and out and matching the rhythm of Harrisons thrusts. Trembling and boneless I cum hard, I lean forward and rub my hands over the hard body beneath me. My hair falls around my face hiding the fact I don’t know whose name to scream out in bliss, it steals from my pleasure. Haz pulls me into him and his mouth sucks my breasts as Tom fucks me slowly, teasingly, like he doesn’t want to rush it. Focusing my attention on Harrison, I memorize the sharp angles of his clean-shaved face. Blonde messy hair, perfect nose, kissable lips, he’s beyond beautiful with his soulful blue eyes studying me the way I study him. “Are you good?” I pant breathlessly, gripping his shoulder against the next orgasm. “Trying not to cum.” he moaned, a muscle flexes in his cheek. “You need to hurry, baby” Tom hooks an arm around my waist and yanks me to a sitting position. With my back against Toms chest and my legs spread around Harrisons hips, my clit is exposed and throbbing. Tom presses a thumb against it, rubbing circles and applying precise, consistent pressure. My head falls back on his shoulder, his mouth at my ear, letting me feel every hot moaning gasp as he strokes his cock in and out of me. Then he grips my jaw and yanks my mouth to his. The kiss is hard, wild, and all-consuming. It’s more than I can handle. I plunge fast, breaking the kiss and screaming out. Powerful and violent, the orgasm rips through me as I scream both of their names, the pleasure splitting me open and moving me in a state of oblivion. Stars blot my vision as they grind their hips, speed up the pace, and join me. Panting breaths, moans of my name together from their lips, and fingers bruising my flesh, they cum together, apart, whatever they may be. It’s music to my ears. Unforgettable. A dream in the flesh. I collapse on Harrisons chest, light-headed and spent. Tom falls on his back beside me and drops a forearm across his eyes, breathing heavily past parted lips. Haz cradles my cheek with a warm palm and strokes his thumb across my mouth. I kiss it, grasp his wrist, and hold on. I don’t want this to end. I’m afraid of what comes next.

“I hope you didn’t do this for me…” I glance at Harrison and return to Tom. “Did you plan this?” “No” they say together. Harrison untangles his hand from mine and rolls us to our sides. “It wasn’t planned” My head jerks to Tom. Mr. control freak Holland just engaged in an impulsive, unintentional threesome? How very free spirited of him. Tom shifts to the edge of the bed and grabs his shirt from the floor. With a hand on my shoulder, he pushes me to my back and uses the shirt to clean between my legs. He does the same with himself and tosses it. Not once does he glance at Haz. Maybe I’m imagining it, but the awkwardness is already creeping in.

“When we got home tonight, you both seemed to be on the same page.” I rest my head on Harrison’s chest and hook a leg around Tom’s thigh as he lays back down, desperate to keep us joined. “But you didn’t talk about it beforehand?”

“Not exactly.” Harrison pets my hair, his breathing returning to normal.

“I made the decision in the car,” Tom says in an icy tone, at odds with the soothing way he caresses my thigh. “Same.” Harrison’s hand tightens in my hair. They didn’t even look at each other in the car. Did they have a telepathic conversation? I have so many questions, but if I start interrogating them, this delicate peace between us will evaporate. I lie still, absorbing the touch of fingers on my skin, the rasps of sated breaths, and thrum of love beating between us, knowing I’ll never find this with anyone but them. Too soon, Tom lifts my leg off his, sits up, and captures my gaze.

“This was a one time thing, y/n” His eyes turn to frozen glass. “It will never happen again.”

My breath hitches, and I feel attacked “I didn’t ask for it. In fact, when I opened my mouth, you told me to shut the fuck up” I say feeling more pissed than anything

“You didn’t have to ask for it.” He rises and strides toward the bathroom. “You wanted it.”

“Don’t do that to her,” Harrison shouts, launching off the bed. “This isn’t her fault!”

Tom closes the door behind him and locks it, freezing us out. Fault? There can only be fault if a mistake was made. The shower sounds behind the door, and my chest turns to ice. I cover my mouth to stop the quiver in my lips. Don’t you fucking cry! I tell myself. All the tears in the world won’t fix this. “How did this happen?” I ask, more to myself than to Harrison.

“That?” He points at the bathroom door and returns to the bed. “I don’t have time to list all his problems, but the one he suffers from the most begins with ass and ends with hole.”

“I’m serious, Harrison.” It feels like my heart is sinking into my stomach. Lying on his back, he pulls me into his arms and wraps the sheet around us. “Let it go.”

“No.” I snap my head up, glaring at him. “I can’t just…just let this go”

He returns my stare for a long moment before releasing a sigh. “I’m pretty sure he thought I was going to break your rule tonight”

“Were you?” I felt sick “it was meant as a joke. Tom took this to heart?”

“Yes.” He looks at me with unflinching eyes. “He knew he wouldn’t be able to stop me.”

“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I mumble sadly. “Or control them. He participated because he couldn’t fathom me making love to you without his almighty hand involved.”

I love Tom’s almighty hand and his control, but not at the risk of hurting him. “Did he tell you this?” I choked out trying to hold in my tears

“I know him, baby. Better than you do.” As I turn that over in my head, I kick myself for not being as perceptive as Harrison. If I’d known Tom wasn’t acting purely on passion, I would’ve stopped it from happening. Or at least tried to stop it more than I had. I have a hard time saying no to them when it comes to sex. It’s just not in my DNA. I bend, yield, surrender, and they shine in the power it gives them. That’s why we’re so good together. Braced on an elbow, I trace a finger along the ridges of his abs. “Did you want the threesome?”

“No.” His muscles tense beneath my touch. “I had to block him out of my mind the entire time, actually seeing the way he handled you so rough pissed me off, it made me want to claim you in front of him, which is why I fucked you like I never have or will again.” He runs a hand down the length of my spine. “I do agree with him on one point. I’ll never do this again.” he kisses my face

He doesn’t say that he regrets it, but it’s there in the creases around his mouth. It feels like a slap in the face. Maybe I’m just emotionally and physically drained, but I can’t hold the dam on my tears. They rise fast, spilling down my cheeks, but I keep the sounds trapped beneath rapid swallows. “Why did you do it?” I whisper. “Because I love you. I want you to be happy.”

“I don’t understand why you want anything to do with me. I’m a mess.” I say sitting up

“I’ll take you messy and crying and in love with Tom in his asshole state, over not having you.” He hugs me against his chest and rests his lips on my head. “Besides, we offered the BOTH of us TO you on that island and promised forever, I’m not breaking that promise,ever angel”

“Either am I y/n” Tom says soft from the bathroom door before he walks over to us. His eyes look at Harrison first than to me “I’m sorry, I’m a selfish asshole with you y/n and I’m sorry that I treated you the way I did Harrison, I’d never trade our life together for anything. Please forgive me” he asks looking up as the tears fell from his face. My heart ached for him.

I look at Harrison and we both knew this much...Tom don’t use the words I’m sorry unless he really feels he was horribly wrong about something and Tom don’t cry unless he’s hurting.

“I forgive you mate, we both know how protective you are over her, just don’t ever take your hot temper out on y/n like that again, I will protect her too Tom” Haz smiled pulling Tom into me and me into him. We laid just like that as we drifted to sleep, a few bumps didn’t destroy us.

   We made plans to get away from life and spend two weeks traveling by ourselves. We were packing the last of our bags when Toms and Harrisons phones started to ring at the same time. Tom hit the answer button and Harrison followed him inside with a look of concern as he held me close. Tom scribbled some notes down and what look like cordiance to a location and showed it Haz. I watched as Harrisons eyes went wide in disbelief. Tom was beyond excited as he paced back and forth wanting off the phone but still needed to hear whatever they had to say.

“Fuck yes, I’ll be there by sun rise tomorrow, get the team ready and no, Haz is staying here” Tom said holding his hand out to stop Haz as he protested it was too dangerous. My eyes flicked back and forth between them. Tom could only endure so much before he shut the conversation down “We are wasting time, I’m on the way see you in 20” Tom slipped his phone in his pocket and came over to where I had sat on the couch watching this unfold.

“Starling, I’m sorry to have to leave right now but trust me, it’s for the best” he said with kind eyes as he kissed my hands. I felt the wave of nausea hit me. But I swallowed it down.

“Haz will be here to keep you safe y/n and I’ll be back in time to go on holiday as planned, we will just push it back a little, yeah?” he half smiled kissing my frown.

“Tom it’s way too dangerous for you to go alone, no way are you taking down number three without..”Harrison was cut off as Tom stood abruptly in his face.

“She is our number one Harrison, you will stay with her and it’s final. I’m not going alone mate, it’s you who will be alone with her, so keep your head straight and keep yourselves safe.” Tom looked Harrison in the eyes and from my point of view Haz was not happy but understood. He nodded at Tom and hugged him in a tight grip.

Tom rushed out of the room and returned with too many black bags to count. Haz helped him carry them to a car I hadn’t even notice pull up. Tuwaine got out and hugged me as the world started to spin and reality came into my vision and formed words.

“Number three, isn’t that the leaders brother?” I said with widening eyes. Tom held my face and struggled to stop his racing thoughts to try and focus on my fear. I had forgotten my training in the face of this. “Tom, don’t..don’t” I begged starting to see this in the worst of ways. My gut was screaming at me and that instinct has never failed me.

“Y/N, shh baby don't do this, I will be fine and back before you can miss me” he kissed my forehead and held me tight. “Haz will keep you safe for me and trust me I won’t let him have you to himself too long” he smiled kissing my lips. He locked his eyes with mine

“Promise me then Tom, promise me you’ll be back soon if your so sure” I said feeling sicker

“I promise Starling, and have I ever broken a promise?” he winked at me. I choked out no as he wiped my tears.”Then you have to trust me on this, both of you” he said looking at Haz as he stood next to me and Tom put my hand on his heart “I love you y/n, I’ll always come home to you, just like I have been baby” he was waiting on me to give the okay.

“I love you TomTom” I said kissing his lips quick and he turned to go. He was on high alert and I know calling him that would offset his focus and I wanted to do it. I wanted him to remember this promise. As the car left the driveway and sped down the street I couldn’t hold it in anymore and vomited my guts out. Haz held my hair and rubbed my back as I let my emotions and my breakfast go in our flower bed.            

I spent the first two days and nights in bed not feeling so good. Haz stayed at my side and just laid around with me. I wasn't sure if it was a bug or just nerves from the fear of what Tom was facing on his own but I hated that this was going to be the longest time I had to go without talking or seeing Tom. This mission was the deadliest they have ever taken on and the fact he was out there without Harrison was not settling with my soul. By the third day I felt good enough to eat something and let Harrison and Z take me out to the movies. Everything was fine until we walked up to concessions and the smell of popcorn made me instantly hurl, I was lucky to have made it to the garbage can. Haz looked terrified as Z yelled at him for not taking me to the doctors. I just grabbed the edge of it trying not to pass out. Z rubbed my back and wiped my   face with cool napkins as Haz got the car pulled around to the doors. I made it safe to the back seat before I fainted.

When I woke up I was blinded by bright lights and closed my eyes again. I could hear beeps and quiet noises all around me as Harrison held my hand loosley. I slowly adjusted my eyes to look at where I was. I froze in place and gave Harrisons hand a tight squeeze to wake him as I started to panic at the fact I was in a hospital bed in what sounded like the ER. I hadn’t been in a hospital since the night my mother had died, it quickly brought back feelings I wanted to never feel again. My heart monitor started to beep faster as Harrison stirred from his half sleepy state. He was slumped over in a chair, his blonde head on the bed next to me, he started to smile as he opened his eyes. Then he noticed the alarm in my expression and stood up to calm me.

“Shh y/n, it’s okay, everything is okay, you are...hum..dehydrated from all that vomiting you’ve been doing, they are just keeping you here for a few to get fluids into your body and now that you’re awake, they want to run one test” he said looking into my eyes and away again as I picked up on his half truth, what was he not telling me? I pulled his worried face back to me.

“Hazzi, what kind of test? What are they looking for that I need to be awake?” I asked slowly

He shook his head and his face flushed red as he let out a small laugh meeting my eyes

“Your pregnant angel, and they want to do an ultrasound to see how far along you are”

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[cheshiregrimmjow]

Read until the end, it will make sense...

The Color of Redemption, A Story of Hope as told by a former Nazi

My name is Karl Loeffler. I was raised in the German countryside, the only child of a Protestant pastor named Wagner and his wife, Liesel. From the time I was young, I dreamed of escaping rural life and becoming a city boy. I craved the excitement of Berlin, and I was determined that when I was old enough, I would make it there, somehow.

In my early teenage years, I began reading literature and listening to radio broadcasts from an enigmatic man who was gaining popularity all across my country.  A boy in my village introduced me to the patriotic message that this man brought, promising a better, brighter, and purer future for my country.  I was enraptured, as so many other youth were, by his passionate orations and compelling words.  So, at 19 years old, I joined the ranks of Hitler’s Youth.  

My parents were vehemently opposed to my choice.  They held very traditional views and refused to understand the obvious truth that people are not all equal. They even showed sympathy to the Jewish plague that was infesting our nation.  I broke all ties with them, and instead poured my heart and soul and energy into my new family.  

The war that was brewing for years finally erupted, and I joined the ranks of the military.  Early on, I distinguished myself as having a talent for extracting information, so I was quickly assigned as an interrogator. At a turning point in my career, I proved my unswerving loyalty when I turned in my own father, who I knew to be harboring Jews, to the Gestapo. After that, I was granted the position of chief interrogator at a high security prison in East Germany.  

One year later, a man arrived at that prison who would forever change my life.  His name was Raymond King – as British a Brit as could ever be found.  He was a pilot who had been shot down while delivering intelligence to his command. The letters with the precious information had been burned, but we had reason to believe that he had seen the contents before destroying them.  

Right away, I knew this was a man who would not give up his information easily.  Conventional means of interrogation would not work on him. I could tell from the defiant look in his eyes that no amount of physical duress would compel him to give up what he knew.  I probed him a bit with some psychological techniques, but without much luck.  There was something about him that intrigued me. His flinty eyes held a steady strength in them that I couldn’t help but admire. I decided to try an approach that I had never before employed.  I determined that I would befriend this man.

As with all good relationships, one must give in order to receive.  I found myself telling Raymond things about myself, many things.  They were all true, for he was clever enough to see through a deception.  In time, his animosity toward me lessened, and eventually we began to discourse more as equals than as enemies.  He knew that I was working him, but I was determined to play the long game out with him, and win him over.  

He shared with me his own history – how he had been orphaned as a young boy and raised in and out of group homes growing up.  He had finally been taken in by the Church, and was given a good education when it became apparent he was something of a prodigy, despite having sporadic schooling as a boy.  He was drafted out of college and joined the Royal Air Force at 17 years old - their youngest pilot.  I couldn’t help but be a little impressed by his story – though I suspected some of it had been embellished.  

Raymond began to delve deeper into my own story, asking me questions about my faith growing up, and why I had chosen Hitler instead of God.  I tried to make him understand the wisdom behind what we were trying to accomplish, that communism was the only good future for the world – but I am not a gifted speaker, and for all his intelligence, he had the stubbornness of a mule.

The first time he tried to escape, I caught him and turned him in.  He was beaten and left in the cooler for seven days.  It didn’t deter him in the least.  He kept trying to get away and he kept failing, and I found myself looking the other way when I knew he was attempting another run for the fence.

I don’t know when it happened – it crept up on me so slowly – but at some point I ceased to become an enemy playing the part of a friend to gain knowledge, and simply became his friend. Soon after, I received word that my father had been executed in a concentration camp not fifty miles from where I was assigned.  The news split my soul to the bone.  For the first time, I truly questioned the cost of my ideals.  I was responsible for his death; I might as well have pulled the trigger myself.  

I found myself confiding not in my Nazi comrades, but in Raymond.  His initial response at learning my part in the deed was anger, for which I could not blame him.  But he did not stop talking to me.  On the contrary, he spoke to me more and more often, speaking of forgiveness and redemption. At first, I did not think that I needed redemption.  Yes, I had something very wrong, but I had done it for a good cause.  But the more I tried to justify it to myself, the more I realized I was on a slippery slope straight to hell and I had only myself to blame for it.

Time passed and I became increasingly torn and agitated.  I felt as much a prisoner as Raymond truly was.  I was imprisoned by my choices.  I was imprisoned by my sins.  I was imprisoned by my guilt.  I could not escape the torment that gnawed at my soul day and night.  I could no longer perform my duties as I had before.  My superiors began to watch me closely, and I could sense that I was no longer considered an ally to my own kind.  And through it all, Raymond was there, calling me back to the faith of my childhood and caring for me as a person, despite my sins and the fact that we were still enemies.

One frigid December morning in 1944, I told Raymond that I wanted to escape with him to Britain.  I can still remember the look on his face. He wasn’t surprised in the least – it was as if he had been expecting this for some time.  It took several months of preparations, but eventually our opportunity presented itself and we escaped the prison.  We managed to sneak out of Germany via France, where Raymond was reunited with his countryman.  For my decision to defect from the Nazis, and for aiding in Raymond’s escape, I was granted citizenship in Britain.  Due to the injuries sustained when he was shot down, Raymond was medically discharged from the RAF, and I found myself in a new country and a new home.

I wish I could say that it was a happily ever after from there on – but that was not the case.  As a German, I was treated with disdain and distrust by many.  Very few knew I had been a Nazi, but it made little difference.  Beyond that, I was eaten up with guilt and self-loathing for the actions that I committed in the name of Hitler’s ambitions.  Let alone the fact that I was responsible for my father’s death, the information that I had extracted from many people (German and foreign alike) had led to the deaths of countless Jews and any of those who harbored them.  Military intelligence that I had ferreted out had led to the deaths of many more.  I was a murderer.  I was a bigot.  By my own hand I had executed prisoners and by my work had gotten many more killed.  The darkest part in my life was not when I was in the midst of my greatest sins, but after, when I understood the full weight and consequences of my actions.

But through it all, Raymond King never left my side.  He opened his home and his heart to me.  He stayed by my side and defended me before all who scorned me, even at the cost of his own reputation.  He unashamedly held me in the night when my nightmares woke us both from slumber.  He comforted me when I discovered that my mother had passed away, before I could find her and tell her how sorry I was. He reminded me of the faith my father had taught me. Jesus had died for my sins – even my sins – and forgiveness and redemption lay at His feet.  I repented.  I accepted that God could forgive me.  I even accepted that Raymond could forgive me.  And last of all, with the help of my truest friend whom I loved more than myself, I finally forgave Karl Loeffler.

I’ll never forget the words that Ray spoke to me that one morning as we shared a boring British breakfast in our little London flat.  

“Nothing will ever change what you’ve done, Karl.  Nothing will ever make up for it. You deserve to die for what you’ve done.”

And as I contemplated where he could possibly be going with this positive and inspirational speech, he continued.

“Living.  That’s harder than dying.  It’s braver.  Facing each day and deciding that instead of brushing off who you were or ignoring what you did, you acknowledge it.  You accept who you were and you decide who you will be today, and the next day, and the next.”

I just stared at him for a while.  His words struck a chord with me and I never forgot them.  Ray helped teach me many things over the years – like how to exchange my bitterness for compassion to all people, my pride and supremacy for humility, and my brokenness for hope. Jesus saved me, but Ray pointed the way to Him with his patience and kindness.  Ray showed me that the only way to live life to the fullest was to save what you love instead of fighting what you hate. 

Redemption is dark, muddy, and messy.  It’s red with the blood of those who paid its price in your stead.  It’s gray, when the darkness of your past begins to lift from your soul like a stain.  It’s the brightest, purest white, when you find that salvation doesn’t come through punishment, but through abundant life lived for the love of all people. 

*             *             *

The story above is a work of fiction.  Karl and Ray are fictional characters, though some of their experiences are based on the lives of actual historical figures.  I want to pose the readers who stuck with my story to the end a question:

At the end of the story, did you find yourself feeling a) satisfied and glad that Karl was able to find forgiveness and love with Ray or b) angry that Karl did not die the irredeemable bastard that he was?

If the latter, please feel free to disregard the rest of this post and I apologize for wasting your time.  If the former, you may now better understand the part of the Star Wars fandom who approves of the relationship between Rey and Kylo Ren/Ben Solo.  My story was meant to pattern itself after the progression of the Star Wars sequel trilogy.  Obviously, we do not know how the third movie will end, but many of us hope it will end similarly to the third act of my story. Those who ship Reylo do so because we are looking forward to that third act, not stopping at the first or second.  

In the first act of my story, Karl and Ray are enemies.  Karl interrogates Ray using several methods to try and discover what he knows.  While they are on opposite sides, and Karl is employing interrogation techniques that would be labeled as “abuse” in a domestic setting, Karl also has a begrudging respect for his prisoner.  The Force Awakens.

In the second act, Karl finds himself beginning to genuinely like Ray.  Though he thwarts Ray’s initial attempts at escape, he eventually finds himself looking the other way.  Finally, Karl’s attitude truly begins to change and he dares to believe that he can change.  Ray, likewise, begins to realize that Karl is a person in need of forgiveness. The Last Jedi.

In the third act, Karl makes the decision to join Ray.  This is what we hope to see in Episode IX.  We want to see Ben escape the prison of the First Order and return to the light, just as Karl did.  But we also acknowledge that this will not be easy to portray in one movie and it will take time to achieve.  

My story has an epilogue. Karl escapes with Ray and they make it to Britain in the third act.  But that is not the end.  It is only the beginning of Karl’s journey. He had to completely cast off the hate and the lies that had governed his life as a Nazi. He had to change his thinking and his heart.  He had to understand how evil he had been - to accept forgiveness and to eventually forgive himself for the lives he had ruined.  Only then could he begin to move forward, loving others instead of hating them.  Forgiveness and healing takes time, and we know that time is the greatest threat to us ever getting a “happy ending” for Ben Solo…because, quite frankly, it’s far easier to just kill him off, as Lucas did with Vader.

I could have ended it with Karl sacrificing himself for Ray to get behind enemy lines to the safety of his fellow countrymen.  And that would be an acceptable, if not rather tragic ending to their tale.  It wouldn’t be much of a kid’s story and most people would walk away feeling rather depressed.  Is that how Episode IX will end?  I surely hope not.  It would be an okay ending.  But Star Wars is traditionally a story of hope and redemption.  

I surely hope that Han and Luke and Leia, our beloved characters of old, will not have died in vain, only to see the last Skywalker die a young man (as a hero or a villain). Nor would we want to see Rey forced to survive without her other half, the man who taught her that no one is ever truly gone and hope can be found in the unlikeliest of people.  Whether they should end up as friends or lovers is up to you, and the answer is not necessary for it to be a beautiful story (which is why I left Karl and Ray’s relationship ambiguous).  But I hope you can all understand why we want an ending where they both live.  

Here’s to hoping Disney will do the brave thing, instead of the easy thing.  Cheers.

[formacaelesti]

Chapter 17

Those unto all he daily doth display,

And shew himself in th' image of his grace,

As in a looking-glass, through which he may

Be seen of all his creatures vile and base,

That are unable else to see his face,

His glorious face which glistereth else so bright,

That th' Angels selves cannot endure his sight.

He didn't belong here, Remus said over and over again, as he moved along with the pack, gaining as much intel as possible. He didn't belong with the pack, under the guise of wanting to obey Fenrir. The men and women in the pack were broken, and ruthless. Abandoned by their families, outcasted by everyone they knew, wands taken by the ministry.

He didn't belong here.

He knew that tomorrow he would be back in the comfort of his home, preparing to sleep through his transformation, take a potion that none of the pack would ever get a chance to have. He knew that having the unlimited supply of the Wolfsbane potion made him a stronger man...but was he braver because of it? The men and women in the pack struggled daily and fought each other during the moon.

He couldn't, couldn't harm anyone the way he was harmed. Locking himself away was the only way he knew how to survive.

The sun had set, and the pack moved further into the woods, Remus stood still, putting his hands in his cloak pockets. The weather was turning warmer, but there was still a chill in the air at night. A shiver went through his body, as he took a step forward, moving toward the pack.

He looked up at the moon, which was shining bright and almost full. At every moon, his mind flirted with memories of Nymphadora, and her undying need to comfort him in his most vulnerable state. How she'd be there come morning, leading him to bed, while he drifted back off to sleep. There when he awoke, with food, and a new book she had found in a Muggle thrift shop. His collection of books was growing, as she started to bring in more "popular" (amongst muggles) books. They would sit and read, and when it was time for his body to rest again, she would be there once again when he awoke. He kept the last book she gave him hidden in his cloak, The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. The story of a man and a monster.

"I learned to recognize the thorough and primitive duality of man; I saw that, of the two natures that contended in the field of my consciousness, even if I could right be said to either, it was only because I was radically both…" Remus quoted quietly, as he stopped walking. There it was… what she was trying to tell him all along. Not thinking, he took a breath and quickly disapparated, just as he heard a blood-curdling scream coming from the forest.

The pack attacked early…

Appearing at the Burrow, he let his feet carry him towards the door. He could see Molly through the window sitting and knitting away. He didn't know why he decided to come back to the Burrow, except the unwavering welcome and acceptance he had always received here.

"Remus?" the voice came from behind him, and Remus turned around, to the comforting face of Arthur standing at the edge of his shed. "I wasn't expecting you until tomorrow." Remus stood there, his face hollow, and shadowed. "Come, Molly will fix you up something warm."

"Thank you," Remus croaked slightly, as the two moved across the damp grass, and into the house. It was exactly as Remus remembered, being warm and inviting. Molly the ever mother had him draped in a knitted blanket, with a cup of tea and stew on his lap. Arthur had placed his wolfsbane potion at the bedside.

They sat in silence, Molly knitting, occasionally checking on him as he ate. Finally, the woman broke the silence. "Have you sent an owl to Tonks?"

"Uh, no," Remus replied softly.

"She cares a great deal for you Remus," Molly continued, her soft comforting voice not raising an octave.

"I'm aware. But I'm not her type," he interjected, as Molly raised her hand in a dismissive nature.

"She has been worried sick these past months. I received an owl just this morning from her, asking if we had heard from you if you were all right. I am glad to say that you are all right Remus, you had us all worried about you."

"There have been changes at the ministry, anyone they suspect being a part of the Order is being kept at an arm's distance. She has sent to Hogsmeade, she's been there since September."

"She'll recover, she's young."

"She loves you," Arthur shot back. "You're being foolish Remus." Opening his mouth to retort, he knew it was a lost cause. He relaxed into his chair, as he rested his teacup on his lap.

"Finished there Remus?" Molly stood and removed the bowl of eaten stew. Smiling softly, she moved into the kitchen. "You're welcome to your usual room Remus."

Molly bid the two men a goodnight, before disappearing into the back bedroom. Remus sat in silence, as he looked at Arthur. His mind was racing, knowing that what Arthur said was right, she loved him… and he loved her. Truly loved her.

"It's not one sided is it Remus?" Arthur spoke softly, as he shook his head.

"I can't risk it. I'm dangerous, she deserves someone who won't accidently kill her," Remus more he said it, the more he hoped he'd believe it; that she deserved to be with someone whole, and anyone except him.

"You're not dangerous Remus. If you were, I wouldn't trust you with my children," the red-headed man explained. "Which I trust you inexplicably to protect them."

"Thank you Arthur," his voice cracked slightly, as he took a breath. He bowed his head in appreciation.

[cassidy-malta]

June 1: Goodbye & Goodnight

 Our last trip was bittersweet. We took a weekend in Catania, Sicily and didn’t quite have the time to really do all that much, but we did get to explore ruins, shops, and see the military helicopters overhead as the NATO Summit was just forty minutes away. It did, however, feel good to start and end our semester together in Italy. Our first trip was to Rome, our last to Sicily. There was lots of reminiscing to be had!

(I can’t say that I particularly desired to see the local mythical magical elephant, but suddenly I was there and I can confirm that it is probably quite magical)

(me, completely underwhelmed by some breathtaking statues)

(my favorite place in Catania was this little nook with cute little bars and ample succulents! Me and my tropical crop-top felt right at home!)

(say no more, I’m hooked)

(poor Roman statue has had to carry his arm around in a basket for the last 1000 years. Bummer, dude)

(probably a saint or something. This place was even more catholic than the Vatican - if I can say that - as there were shops left and right selling rosaries and pastoral robes. I thought about getting my dad one but then I saw the price tag and decided that I’ll get a job instead)

(art and fun and plants- what more could a girl need? the answer is wine)

(a little Mary-nook)

“Eventually, however, I will have to pack up and go back to the United States. Today in particular I have been pondering what I will bring with me back. Tacky souvenirs, sure, but I will bring back much more valuable intangible souvenirs. I will go back to the United States knowing that through my service learning opportunities, my positive attitude, and participation in university lectures has made Malta a little bit of a better place. I will have gained many new friends both in my Luther peers, my University of Malta peers, and the people I met in every corner of this island. I will be braver, able to conquer new and bigger challenges that I thought possible just a month ago. Hopefully I will be a little smarter and picked up a culinary gift beyond putting a potato in the microwave.

Armed with a newfound confidence and a serious case of the travel bug, the midwest is going to receive a different girl than it sent out into the world. I hope that I never lose the slack jawed-knotted stomach-pounding heart excitement and intrigue I felt on that very first day. I know that I will spend the rest of my life finding those moments and allowing them to chisel and chip away at me; however, despite being chipped away at, I will return bigger, stronger, and with more than I left with.”

-Cassidy Woods, February 2017, Initial Malta Reflection

(look at this scared little college kid trying not to cry as she embarks on the adventure of a lifetime)

Written a mere 114 days ago as a pre-trip reflection, I look back on these two paragraphs and have to stop an absurd little giggle from rising in me. How naive I was! I could pick these two short paragraphs apart sentence by sentence and comment on each aspect, but instead I can sum up all my thoughts in retrospect with the simple sentence: I severely underestimated Malta. The midwest is certainly getting a new woman when my plane lands at four in the afternoon on Saturday. I am a little smarter, a little braver, a little bit more confident, but a helluva lot stronger than I left.

I thought that life at the University of Malta would be parallel to my life at Luther College but I could not have been more wrong. This is the aspect of the culture that was the toughest to navigate. The two hour lectures failed to get my attention and the all-or-nothing final exam is quite possibly the worst thing to ever happen to me. The classmates that I thought would be my new best friends turned out to leave us sitting in the back of the classroom, speak exclusively Maltese, and whisper nearly every time we opened our mouths to contribute. It has given me an insane newfound respect for the international students in America. I was always kind to them, but I had always felt like it was an exclusive group I could not be a part of. Now, however, I know that when you’re international, it is damn near impossible to integrate into the local community of students who have infinitely more in common and many years more than I will ever have with them. I’m really hoping I can bring this new experience back to the states and become a more passionate person. 

I also thought that I would walk out of this experience having had the best time of my life with 13 new friends. Unfortunately, that is not totally the case. Consider this my “tell-all” blog post. Imagine showing up in a very bizarre foreign land with 13 other people with different upbringings, ideas, opinions, priorities, and motivations for being there. None of us had ever lived in an apartment before and very few of us even knew each other before departing. Mix in a couple miscommunications and a sprinkle of gossip and you’ve got a big recipe for disaster. There were days that the group dynamic would cause me to call my mom and dad and literally BEG to come home. A few trips I strategically planned to “get away” from it all. Sometimes, I would make dinner and retreat to my bed for the rest of the night to avoid the others. However, I am not blameless. I admit that I engaged in the pettiness, the back talking, and poor communication. I judged before I knew, and I could be unyielding in my opinion. This has been a semester of growing up. I’ve learned how to take responsibilities for my actions, how to apologize, and also what I will and will not/can and can not tolerate from other people.

(here’s the entire group the first night we arrived! Each one of these people are special and amazing human beings and we all accomplished something spectacular together, even though we don’t all get along)

It’s not all bad though- don’t despair! I’m just trying to be realistic and make sure you all know that this semester hasn’t been all flowers and rainbows. While I’m not leaving with every one of my classmates as a friend, I am leaving with a few new life-long friends. Maddie, in particular, has been my rock and my partner in crime. She’s always been down for whatever adventure I have planned or a late night snuggle, wine, RuPaul’s Drag Race, and whine night. From roommates who unwillingly ended up living together to best friends, she’s been my most constant support. Maddie isn’t the only friend I’ve made- even in these last few weeks I’ve made some new friends- both my classmates and locals. 

(this goofy girl is one in a million)

The midwest is getting back a lot more than it bargained for when it kissed my forehead and sent me out into the world. I can now plan a trip, manage my money, grocery shop, do basic home repairs, and live incredibly independently - things I never really needed to do before. I can be 100% on my own in massive metropolitan areas (London) and non-english nations (Switzerland). I’ve learned loads about my own mental health and surprised myself by my bravery and fortitude. My culinary skills have developed- dare I say, they blossomed- and now I can cook a potato in the microwave AND season it. I’ve chipped at a bucket list and crossed things off I never even fathomed adding, secured a new identity as a WORLD TRAVELER (omg), and I have been forever changed. 

Recently I had a deep chat with my dad (Mike Woods? Deep chat? SHOCKING!) where we mulled over the Apostle Paul (light conversation in the Pastor’s family). According to the book of Acts, in 60 AD, Paul shipwrecked on the little island of Malta on his way to Rome for trial. There is no archeological evidence that Paul was ever here. That being said, I think there is something beautiful and admirable about these island people taking an unconfirmed myth and running with it- integrating it into their entire cultural identity. 

(the biggest feast/holiday of the year in Malta is the Feast of Saint Paul’s Shipwreck- we stumbled upon it our first time in Valletta back in February)

In Acts, Paul writes: “After we were brought safely through, we then learned that the island was called Malta. The native people showed us unusual kindness, for they kindled a fire and welcomed us all, because it had begun to rain and was cold.” (Acts 28: 1-2, ESV)

Paul was shocked by the natives “unusual kindness”- something I have experienced. They trusted him and took him and the other shipwreck survivors under their wings- a remarkable display of compassion and love from a nation that is repeatedly colonised and taken over for strategic gain. Essentially Paul was a refugee and they took him in without fear of attack - something that we can all learn from. I'm a resident, not a tourist or a local. A weird liminitive state between belonging and not. I get to witness and experience both sides of the relationship. The Maltese welcome and display excellent hospitality to the tourist. The tourists, in turn, are eager and excited to learn more about Malta. 

I've been taken in and experienced the same hospitality that Paul experienced. In return, I've tried to honour their culture and respect this crazy little island- living my time here to the fullest. Forever an optimist, Paul vouches that we should engage in, “filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized” (Philippians 4:8-9 MSG). As I look back on this trip, I am going to focus on the moments that were true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious. The best and not the worst. The beautiful and not the ugly. 

(saying goodbye to “Triq Depiro” - the road we’ve called home)

(and saying goodbye to the flat with the red door... heartbreaking stuff, here)

So that’s it. I’m wrapping up this adventure and this blog. I’ve spent the last week in a frantic head spin of unpacking from Sicily, and beginning the process of packing my bags to go home. I’ve taken two finals, written two final research essays, and a handful of reflections. I also know that I am going to be fighting jet lag and stress as I leave Malta on Saturday morning at 6:30AM and arrive in Minneapolis at 4:00PM (I’ve given up on trying to understand how this works). This summer I am interning at Sparkhouse Publishing in Minneapolis, living with my generous Aunt and Uncle in Shoreview- which I move into Sunday afternoon and have my first day of work on Monday. I can’t believe that Sunday morning I’ll be waking up in my own bed, to my puppy’s frantic wiggles, to go to church with my mom to hear my dad preach and see my congregation again (shameless plug to encourage EVERYONE to come see me at Prince of Peace on Sunday morning in La Crescent, MN during service!). I want to send a special thank-you out to the massive list of people who have been following this blog, my special email subscribers, my parents, professors, friends back home, and Luther family. See you all SO SOON. 

Onto the next adventure! 

(from beginning...)

(to end.)