#cause there is something so inherently pure and human of wanting to have a heart and feel like everyone else

[venranae]

I've randomly started crying over scara for 4 nights in a row now i genuinely believe there is some deeper issue here cause i simply think about him and the tears flow and then i start laughing cause thats just so fucking silly💀

[earthry]

Mafia Boss Copia x Reader (Headcanons)

i cant find where i saw it but someone commented on one of my posts several days ago with 'evil copia' or smth and it's been stuck in my head. but also its me so he's evil but also a sweetheart so. here's evil copia and then i make him not-evil.

tw: implied/assumed infidelity, kidnapping (not by copia), violence/murder, copia makes a few oopsies and then does his best to make up for it, gn!reader

He would never raise his voice at you let alone a hand— could never in his life imagine doing such a thing to you. Others however? He almost relishes the way their bodies go slack when he’s had a hand around their throats for just the right amount of time. 

He’s not a full on sadist, but he does enjoy causing pain to those he seems deserving. He has a strong (albeit a little twisted) sense of right and wrong and isn’t afraid to put down his believes. 

The first time he meets you, he thinks that you’re such an angel that it has to be an act, there has to be something, a catch, anything. Humans are inherently folly, there’s no way someone as sweet and gentle as you exists.

You’re immediately charmed by him and he’s intrigued by you so he gives you a chance. He takes you out on a nice date and steals your heart without remorse, not knowing that you were giving it to him freely.

Things seem happy in paradise, he’s the perfect boyfriend, the most thoughtful partner.

Except he tests you, and each time you surprise him with patience and understanding. So he keeps on testing and testing, begins to go out with others and flirt around. He’s waiting for the jealousy, the rage, the pettiness— your true colors. He’s so sure he has it in the bag when one day he comes back with lipstick smudges on his neck and the look on your face is of pure horror.

Instead of the satisfaction and smugness of finally causing a reaction however, he only feels sudden waves of guilt, especially when your look of horror melts into a heartbroken despair instead of jealousy.

You don’t yell or scream or shout. You don’t accuse him of anything, you don’t ask him about the lipstick. Instead, you sink to your knees with a soft sob, hiding your face in your hands and trying to stifle your cries.

He doesn’t know what to do— not this scenario. This was not what he had expected and each sniffle you try to muffle before standing up and apologizing for making a scene makes him hate himself even more.

—

It hurts. Watching him with others, listening to him talk so sweetly and playfully while you’re only a few feet away. You try to convince yourself that it’s just the way he is, that’s his personality and you can hardly fault him for that, right? 

You’re afraid of confrontation, of facing the truth when he’s everything you never thought you could have. When it’s just the two of you, he’s so silly and sweet. He treats you like royalty and holds you so gently. You’re so loved.

It must be you that’s the issue then, right?

The night he comes home with lipstick stains and hickies decorating his neck it’s lIke your world is ending. 

He looks smug as all hell and you wonder to yourself— why?

Is it because he wasn’t satisfied with you? Was it your inexperience that he’s either bored or disgusted with? Was it because you weren’t good enough? Weren’t lovable enough? 

Or was it that you were blind the entire time, that you ignored all the signs because you were just so desperate to be loved, so desperate to finally have this one good thing?

You’re too busy facing your biggest fears to see the look of regret and guilt on Copia’s face, too busy trying not to drown to see him reel in his own emotions, to watch his expressions flash from smug to uncertainty to guilt and regret, and finally to a resolve. A decision.

He pulls you into his arms and you want to fight him but you also can’t help but cling. Your sobs get louder and his arms tighten around you, beginning to rock you back and forth soothingly.

You eventually collapse against him, and still you don’t ask the unimaginable. 

His words feel sugary as he comforts you— you’re not sure what to believe anymore— murmuring reassurances and promises that there’s only you, just you. No one else. He was a fool, he tells you, he was a stupid, stupid fool and it was just a dumb joke and he loves you wholeheartedly, adores you dearly. He’s not going anywhere.

But still. It doesn’t change the fact that those are another’s lipstick staining his neck, his collar. Another’s lips that bit and sucked those hickies into his skin. That marked him as theirs and not yours.

He manages to calm you down, until you’re only soft little sniffles and the occasional hiccup. That night he makes you something light for dinner; a comfort food with your favorite tea. He puts on one of your favorite shows and kisses your forehead before leaving to wash up. To shower and get rid of all the evidence of another’s claim on him.

He stands alone in the bathroom and stares at his reflection in his mirror. He wonders who he is now, if he’d fallen under your spell. But then he thinks about everything that is you— your laugh, your smile, your quirks. Your kindness, your patience, the sound of your voice.

He’s haunted by the look on your face when you realized he’d been marked by another and was unapologetic about it. He certainly is apologetic now. Regretful. Guilty.

He knows he’s a horrible man, a cruel one. He knows he’s done awful things. Learned from his father, his brothers. He decides that this is something he’ll never do again.

Never. Not to you.

When he’s fresh and clean, he dresses himself in comfortable sweats and seeks you out— you’re in the living room with your food that you’ve barely had much of. You’re not paying attention to the TV. You’re curled up on the couch.

Copia clenches jaw. He really is a bastard.

Gingerly, he coaxes you up and pulls you onto his lap so he can feed you. You’re reluctant but he manages to feed you at least half of dinner. Each bite you take is met with praise and words of love.

They don’t sink in, they don’t mean anything to you. Not anymore. You try to hang onto them, though. Try to relish the temporary affection you’re receiving while he’s still here. You’d be naive and foolish for thinking he’d stay, for thinking he’d love you unconditionally.

When you’re fed, he helps you change into comfortable pajamas; not protesting or commenting like he usually does when you pick out one of his oversized shirts for comfort. It’s the one that says ‘VVLGAR’ and you hope maybe when he finally leaves, maybe he’ll at the very least let you keep this one. A consolation prize.

He tucks you into bed and holds you close. Whispers his good night and love for you. You know it’s a lie but it’s nice to hear, to pretend it’s not.

Things change after that. He’s gentle with you, as if you’re spun from glass.

He never looks at another again, never touches or flirts again. Not in front of you, not behind your back either. 

He could never do that to you again. He treasures you, loves you. He never wants to hurt you again. 

Good things never last however, and you know it’s only a matter of time until he goes out to seek another’s warmth and company again. You spend months steeling yourself, letting yourself get used to the idea. It’s not healthy or good for you, but you’re so desperate to hold onto him that you think to yourself— if letting him sleep around and see others will keep him around longer, then why not?

Sure, the mere thought of it feels like a stab to the heart. Sure, you know that it won’t last forever and anyone you asked would tell you that it’s a bad idea.

But fuck— when he smiles at you and takes your hand in his, raising them to kiss your palm, to nuzzle with his cheek as he tells you how much he missed you while he was out, when he sits you in his lap and plays with your hair and teases you with light laughter and smothers you with kisses while you dissolve into giggles— you don’t want to give that up.

And you don’t have to, but you don’t realize that. Not yet. 

Copia can see it in your eyes, when you’re having a good time and then suddenly you’re quiet and there’s a sadness in the way you cuddle close and tell him that you love him dearly. He always makes sure to squeeze you a little extra tight for comfort, telling you that he’s not going anywhere, never again.

It takes a while for you to finally realize that he’s telling the truth— it takes you getting kidnapped as leverage against him to convince you that maybe, just maybe, he’s not going anywhere. Not now, not soon, not ever. 

It’s a bloodbath, the amount of carnage he sheds to find you. He takes down several of his competitors in the process— burning them completely to the ground without survivors. It terrifies the remaining rival groups into hiding for years after. 

He finds you eventually, and oh the way he holds you, the way he almost collapses with relief to see you alive and breathing. You’re a little worse for wear but you’re okay. You’re going to be okay. He cuts the ropes binding you to the chair and sweeps you off your feet, refusing to let you walk even a single step. He carries you back to his house and calls for Aether, not trusting anyone else to be close to you. 

Aether does an excellent job of healing your injuries before he dips, knowing that Copia is a little beyond bordering feral at this point. The entire time he’s been holding you in his lap, clutching you to him as if you’d disappear if he didn’t hold you tight enough.

He promises you that he’ll make sure that this never happens again, that you’ll be safe. He apologies to you, for putting you in danger just by being with him. He’s gentle with you for months and months to come— even more gentler than he usually is. 

And throughout all of this, you know that you’re so completely and ardently loved and the next time he tells you, promises you, that he’s not going anywhere, that he loves you so so much— you believe him. 

[saintsenara]

Ooh more about the subtext around James/Sirius? I’ve always read the text this way too!

thank you for the ask anon!

this question could have been prompted by any number of posts i’ve made, because i am a great proponent of the idea that...

unrequited prongsfoot is canon. 

why?

i’m so glad you asked!

let’s begin with a small caveat which - regrettably - involves some engagement with discourse.

the things created within fandom aren’t real - an individual fic can’t cause actual, material harm to a reader, even if it contains tropes that would be harmful or distressing if they happened in that reader’s real life; an author’s use of certain tropes or interest in certain characters is not indicative of their actual morals and values in real life; thought crimes are not real crimes - but fanfiction is produced by human beings who are themselves products of the societies and communities in which we all live, and these societies and communities all have flaws and failings.

which is to say, those of us who prefer to read male friendships like james and sirius’ as romantic do need to be aware that, no matter how enlightened on gender and its foibles we think ourselves to be, we are nonetheless influenced as modern humans by a modern tendency to discourage platonic physical and emotional closeness between men - especially straight men - on the grounds that two men having this sort of relationship is inherently queer and, in being queer, implicitly sexual [an understanding of queerness which is another powerful societal influence on our thought, even if we know we don’t agree with it].

we should also be aware that reading a friendship as defining and life-altering as james and sirius’ as romantic gives weight to a modern tendency to prioritise romantic love - and one of its expected outcomes, the love of parents for their biological children - over platonic love, and to regard people for whom romantic love is not a priority as not properly having achieved the milestones of adulthood, nor as properly fulfilled, adored, or satisfied.

everything which follows here, then, can be taken to refer just as validly to a purely platonic relationship between james and sirius if the reader prefers. and, indeed, my view is that this is how the canon narrative wants the reader to understand james saw the relationship... 

but i also think that the canonical text wants us to infer that, for sirius, his relationship with james was one of unrequited romantic love.

it must be said, however, that the narrative doesn’t show this explicitly. of course, it emphasises sirius and james’ compatibility, their similar personalities, their shared affection for each other, and a certain element of codependency [the thought of these two boys, unable to be apart even for a detention without talking through their mirrors! my heart breaks!], but it also sets up these shared elements as - broadly - fraternal: sirius is quasi-adopted by the potters; harry thinks of him and james as like fred and george, at least until he sees snape’s memories in order of the phoenix. when sirius speaks to harry about james, the profundity of his love for him is obvious, and on the two occasions when we see them physically together [snape’s worst memory and the prince’s tale] it’s clear that each is the primary driving force behind the other’s decisions. but we have nothing which indicates unambiguously that sirius’ feelings for james were romantic.

until we dive into a bit of narratology. because the text does do something to suggest that its intention is for sirius’ relationship with james to be read as non-platonic.

and that something is its use of narrative mirrors.

the harry potter series loves assigning its characters to narrative pairs - harry and voldemort are the obvious one; ron and draco malfoy are the one which deserves more attention - and it assigns to sirius a narrative mirror whose own story is one of unrequited romantic love...

severus snape.

sirius and snape are incredibly similar, personality-wise. they also serve identical narrative roles, in that they function as the guides who lead harry through an emotional arc which begins in earnest in prisoner of azkaban and concludes in deathly hallows, in which he sheds his childish, black-and-white view of his parents and comes to regard them as real, flawed, and complex people. harry does this with james in order of the phoenix - after the realisation that he was a bully stops the hero-worshipping which defines his earlier attitude towards his father - with sirius as his guide [sirius is then killed off the second this narrative sub-arc is complete]. he then does it with lily - who spends the earlier books as secondary in importance to james in her son’s mind - in half-blood prince and deathly hallows, in which snape [via the proxies of slughorn, the discipline of potions, his textbook, his patronus, and his memories] serves as his guide, until the fact that lily is the key to the whole mystery is revealed just before harry sacrifices himself to save the world.

in the course of this, it comes to be revealed that each of them considers their life to be defined by their relationship with and love for one half of the pair of james and lily [although the series hides this in snape’s case - making it look as though he is also motivated purely by his antagonistic relationship with james - right up until the last moment]. their mirrored relationships with harry - while the idea that sirius is incapable of distinguishing him from his father is an invention of the films - is also driven fundamentally by their relationship with one of the two halves of his parents.

sirius and snape’s mirrored motivation-by-love is shown most clearly in their identical approach to guilt and grief, the two things which overarchingly drive their individual character arcs across the seven-book canon [or three, if you’re sirius - rip king].

both sirius and snape indirectly trigger the death of the person they love - and, let’s be frank, if we’re going to excoriate snape for reporting the prophecy to voldemort, exactly the same level of ire needs to be reserved for sirius and his plan to switch secret keepers [what we could do instead, of course, is recognise the life-altering tragedy of making this kind of mistake, which we all have to hope we never experience ourselves, and treat the lads with compassion] - but it’s clear in canon that neither accepts the idea that their involvement was, in fact, indirect. sirius openly tells harry that he considers himself to have "as good as" cast the killing curse on james and lily; snape rejects dumbledore’s [back-handed] comfort that james and lily’s deaths were caused by "putting their trust in the wrong person" by wishing to die himself.

wracked by guilt and hollowed out by grief, both of them then decide to punish themselves in an effort - one which, i think, they both consider futile, since they clearly regard their sins as too great to be redeemed - to atone for causing james and lily’s deaths. both of them do this by subjecting themselves to the pain and humiliation of imprisonment.

in sirius’ case, obviously, this is literal. we know from canon that he refuses to profess his innocence at any point during his show trial - and why would he, when he considers himself to be guilty? - and that he remains in azkaban for twelve years, despite possessing the means to escape before then. he leaves the prison only to attempt the one action which he thinks will redeem him in james’ eyes: murdering peter pettigrew.

in snape’s case, the prison is a metaphor [foucault just sat up]. snape entombs himself both at hogwarts - not a place he seems to have been particularly happy - and in spinner’s end, allows dumbledore to repeatedly humiliate him, and risks his life as a spy as a means of self-flagellation. like sirius, he fails to profess his innocence - through ordering dumbledore to tell nobody of his true allegiance - because he considers himself to be guilty. he leaves the self-constructed cell in which he is skulking only when dead - when harry, who takes on the burden of fulfilling snape’s atonement himself by preparing to kill voldemort, starts screaming his true motivations in the dark lord’s face - although there's some implication in canon that dumbledore’s intention was for snape to end the series by attempting himself the one action which he thinks will redeem him in lily’s eyes: murdering voldemort.

[after all, why does dumbledore say to harry at king’s cross that his aim was for snape to control the elder wand if he wasn’t hoping he’d use it to give the dark lord his death blow?]

snape and sirius mirror each other exactly in their response to the death of the person they love. we can justifiably assume, then, that we are intended by the text to read that love as identical in type. 

jkr has been very clear that snape’s relationship with lily is one of unrequited romantic love. we obviously don’t have to accept this in our own readings or in the way we write the characters in our own work - i love a queer snape sacrificing everything for his platonic best friend as much as the next girl - but we do have to acknowledge it as the doylist text’s stated intention. it stands to reason, then, that the text’s intention is for us to regard the mirror-image of snape’s love for lily - sirius’ love for james - as romantic as well.

or, unrequited prongsfoot is canon.

[yuikomorii]

Greetings, I come with late night ramblings abt diabolik lovers. Big fan of your blog, I really like the side of the fandom which discusses the characters

Sometimes i wonder what it was like for the mukami bros to turn into vampires. Since vampires look so similar to humans the fact that they are a different species really slips my mind sometimes.....

So sometimes I find myself wondering what that psychological shift was like. The mukami bros were all pretty young and had grudges against humans in some way when they were turned, so parting with their humanity wasn't on their minds I think lol.

But despite spending lot of their childhood/puberty around vampires they still do act a lot more human like than the sakamakis. Granted, the sakamakis def have a lot trauma that compromises their ability to have any type of healthy relationship. But characters like ayato suggest that vampires aren't inherently incapable of the more "human" emotions (don't rlly know a good word for it mb).

I do remember ruki saying somewhere that because he is weak he stays with his family (not the only reason ofc, but having to band together/find strength in numbers to survive is a very human-like thing), yet he and his bros abandoned being human/ hold some level of resentment for humanity.

Anyways all that to say the mukami bros have an interesting relationship with their "humanity" and I'm overanalyzing characters in an otome game of which the lore is constantly retconned. Complicating this is the fact that we don't have a "average" or "normal" vampire to compare with

Also reject totally missed an opportunity to make a character that didn't want to be turned into a vampire, and had to struggle with the changes.

// Hello, thank you for enjoying my blog!<3

Hmm… If the person who becomes a vampire is kind-hearted and mentally stable enough to avoid wishing revenge upon someone or using their newfound vampire status as an excuse to treat people badly, I sincerely doubt that the psychological transition from human to vampire would hit that hard. Trauma caused the Mukami brothers to develop such a vicious nature, exactly like Yui in HDB did at one point when, as a result of being mentally broken, she started killing people in an After story. While pure-blood vampires do have their own set of morals and they obviously need blood to survive, I wouldn’t say they are inherently evil, taking into account that in LP and VC, some vampires were nice to Yui and the Diaboys. They are indeed predators, that’s something they can’t control no matter how much they try, but not all of them are malicious.

The Mukamis got rid of their humanity but they still kept acting like humans around one another because, after all, that’s how they were initially accustomed to. As for the Sakamakis… due to trauma as well, they were pretty twisted since childhood. I mean, most of them were the main cause something bad happened to any of their brothers in the past, therefore it’s to be expected that their relationship is not a healthy one. However, vampires are actually capable of experiencing human emotions, and Ayato is the living example of this given that he is confirmed as being the most human-like out of all due to the fact that he was already capable of displaying these emotions prior to meeting Yui (for example: wanting to sacrifice himself for his brothers, ruining Karl’s blue rose so as Cordelia wouldn’t get sad, crying when Cordelia died and, most importantly, valuing his life). Additionally, a vampire will begin to experience human emotions the more Eve's blood he consumes, so... that's basically part of the plan, according to what Karl said in Ayato’s DF route.

I wouldn't say the Mukamis hate humans; they held a grudge against aristocrats, but not humans in general, because they only see them as an inferior species. As for Ruki, the reason he would feel weak without his family isn’t only due to banding together or finding strength in number but rather it’s about them as his emotional support. Kou, Yuma, Azusa respect, praise and accept Ruki with all his qualities and flaws, therefore feeling needed and appreciated is actually what makes Ruki strong.

[queenlucythevaliant]

Hi! If you don't mind my asking, you support theistic evolution correct? Do you believe in a historical or metaphorical Adam and Eve? I know that theistic evolutionist Joshua Swamidass has a book called The Genealogical Adam and Eve where he distinguishes common genetic ancestors from common genealogical ancestors. I don't know if that's your sort of thing or if you agree, but I figured I'd ask you your opinion on the subject. You don't have to answer if you don't want to, though!

This is absolutely my sort of thing, though I haven't read the particular book you referenced. Thank you for giving me another opportunity to talk about origins! I was really excited when I saw this in my inbox! That said, buckle your seatbelt because this will get long lol

Quick little caveat: I don't have any formal education in anthropology and only have a little bit in human evolution. My academic focus is on microbial evolution. That said, I've certainly spent time considering questions of the historical Adam and Eve, so I'd like to think I can opine on the subject usefully :)

To no one's surprise, let me start off with a Lewis quote. This is from The Problem of Pain chapter 5:

For long centuries God perfected the animal form which was to become the vehicle of humanity and the image of Himself. He gave it hands whose thumb could be applied to each of the fingers, and jaws and teeth and throat capable of articulation, and a brain sufficiently complex to execute all the material motions whereby rational thought is incarnated. The creature may have existed for ages in this state before it became man: it may even have been clever enough to make things which a modern archaeologist would accept as proof of its humanity. But it was only an animal because all its physical and psychical processes were directed to purely material and natural ends. Then, in the fullness of time, God caused to descend upon this organism, both on its psychology and physiology, a new kind of consciousness which could say “I” and “me”, which could look upon itself as an object, which knew God, which could make judgements of truth, beauty, and goodness, and which was so far above time that it could perceive time flowing past. [...] We do not know how many of these creatures God made, nor how long they continued in the Paradisal state. But sooner or later they fell.

(I've used ellipses to condense a bit since the full passage is rather long. I think I've maintained the integrity of what Jack was saying, but please do go read the whole thing.)

I absolutely hold that an historical Adam and Eve existed. A metaphorical approach implies either (a) that man's sin nature is the result of something "timeless and eternal" in the human heart, as Karl Barth argues (sorry Kaylie-but at least I'm disagreeing with him here!), or else (b) that God created a world in which sin was already inherent in creation. Furthermore, Paul and other NT writers treat Adam and Jesus as equally real and historical; thus, I believe that I am obligated to do the same.

That said, I'm with Lewis (and many others) in the belief that humans are indeed part of God's unified creation through evolution; overwhelming scientific evidence, both genetic and paleontological, indicates that humans share a recent common ancestor with apes and, more broadly, a universal common ancestor with all other living creatures. Likewise, population genetics indicates that it would have been near impossible for a viable population of Homo sapiens to arise from a group of fewer than a thousand individuals. We actually see evidence that other humans existed contemporaneously with Adam and Eve in the Cain and Abel account - Cain has a wife, and after he kills Abel he fears that other people will kill him. (Note: If you or anyone else would like a more in depth discussion of the data in genetics, population genetics, common ancestors, etc., just shoot me an ask; I try to streamline these discussions so I don't necessarily go into the scientific minutia, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't love to if there's interest.)

Thus, I don't believe that Adam was the first modern hominid and, for reasons that I'll get into a minute, I'm likewise not convinced that he was necessarily the first Homo sapiens or even humanity's MRCA. I do believe that he was the first Homo divinus - the first individual to be endowed with the unique image of God and with a human soul. I see this in the Scriptural text when God breathes life into Adam's nostrils (Genesis 2:7), a much more intimate act then the rest of the descriptions we get in the creation account. Whether in Africa or in Mesopotamia, I think God endowed Adam and subsequently Eve with His likeness and made them representatives for all humanity - much like Christ is our representative. Denis Alexander (British biologist/theologian) calls Adam "the federal head of all humanity alive at the time," and I quite like that description.

As I've indicated, I don't believe that Adam and Eve were necessarily the common ancestors of all humanity, either genetically or genealogically; for one thing, humanity has different matrilineal and patrilineal MRCAs and they likely didn't live at even remotely the same time. As to when Adam and Eve did live, I'm honestly of two minds on the issue. For simplicity's sake, I will number the possibilities that I consider feasible (1) and (2):

(1) The simplest answer is that Adam and Eve lived in Mesopotamia sometime during the Neolithic Era. This aligns with the descriptions we get of Eden's geography and leaves us with a lot less time to account for between Adam and Abraham.

However, this view does leave us with the issue of the many, many Homo sapiens preceding Adam and Eve who presumable lived and died without souls, despite the evidence that they behaved in very human ways (made art and musical instruments, cared for the sick, were curious and inventive, etc.) This isn't impossible to square with what I laid out above - like I said, I consider it the simplest explanation for when and where Adam and Eve lived - but it doesn't sit 100% easily with me.

(2) The other possibility is that Adam and Eve were among the first Homo sapiens and that they lived in Africa between 300 and 150 kya. Old Testament scholar C. John Collins out of Covenant Theological Seminary (Reformed and generally theologically conservative) makes the case that Moses wrote Genesis 1-11 using a kind of "anachronism." It's very likely that Moses had access to pre-existing sources while writing the Pentateuch, and he may have "'reconstructed' the past, working backwards from ordinary human experience to what must have caused it, giving us a tale that provided contrast to the other stories [Mesopotamian and Egyptian creation myths]." Of this "anachronism," Collins says, "a text may well have described aspects of the older times in terms of what the writer and his audience are familiar with. This does not necessarily detract from the historicity of the text, since the text still refers to actual events."

The issue with this view is that it obviously places us in much murkier territory than option one in terms of how we view the infallibility of Scripture. I believe that we're to take the Biblical histories seriously as fact, but not literalistically (would love to do another discussion explaining in more depth what I mean by this if there's interest; again, shoot me an ask). I do believe that all Scripture is infallible. Thus, this explanation also doesn't sit easily with me, but I do lend it credence because I trust Dr. Collins's theology and exegesis in other areas.

Ultimately, I'm going to bring the issue back to the C.S. Lewis excerpt that I started on; for now, I am content to say "We do not know how many of these creatures God made, nor how long they continued in the Paradisal state. But sooner or later they fell." I do fully intend to continue exploring the issue with an inquisitive mind and a humble heart, hoping that as I grow into greater theological and scientific knowledge I might come to an understanding of the Fall that does sit well with all that I know to be true. I'm still young :)

Please do always feel free to drop by my inbox with follow-ups/any other science/faith questions. I love these issues so much that I've chosen to study them academically; it is a joy to discuss them with you!

[tarnishedxknight]

Meta Topic: Basch’s Beliefs Regarding Morality, Love, and Hope

{out of dalmasca} In this meta analysis, I want to discuss some of Basch’s beliefs and why he still has them even though life has consistently shit on him and shown or taught him lessons to the contrary. People often misunderstand Basch and feel that he is foolish, naïve, or unrealistically innocent for his age, profession, battle experience, and/or history with war and violence. I want to clear up not only what some of his personal beliefs and principles are, but also why he continued to hold to them even though in many cases he may know that they don’t always hold water.

1. He lives by his own example, not by reacting to what life gives him. The short and simple way of describing Basch is that he conducts himself according to the person he wants to be, how he wishes the world was, and how he would prefer the human race to be, not as they actually are.

People are inherently good. This is something he knows is not true, and yet he assumes this, at least in practice if not in thought, with everyone he meets. He gives everyone the benefit of the doubt because everyone is living their own story and he cannot pretend to know what they are going through. He feels he has no right to judge others he has just met, not until and unless they give him reason and authority to. So this is a principle is adheres to out of a hope that most people will turn out to be good, but also because he wants to project kindness, tolerance, and approachability, especially during his years as a Dalmascan knight.

Be the hope you want others to have. Basch spent half his life as a knight and a knight captain, both titles carrying with them leadership responsibilities. He’s managed soldiers, guards, and other knights during peacetime and war, in the palace and capital city of Dalmasca and on battlefields elsewhere. Hope, and more specifically morale, an wane quickly in any given situation, but especially during battle. In order to evoke the morale in his subordinates that he wants and needs them to have, he has to support it in them, to cultivate it. The way he does that, is by being a beacon of hope himself. He knows that if he loses hope, gives up, or starts talking or acting like all is lost and there’s no point, then that will be a self-fulfilling prophecy. He will cause morale to plummet among his soldiers and knights if he does that. Instead, he becomes the hope he wants to see in them, to inspire them to keep going.

Mercy never bites you in the ass later. Again, this is something he absolutely knows is not true. But Basch chooses not to live life cynically. He doesn’t want to constant think and assume that people he shows mercy to are going to turn around screw him over later. Is it smarter to do that? Is it tactically sometimes wiser? Yes. But he chooses not to assume the worst in people, going back to the first point. He gives everyone the benefit of the doubt. If it was him or someone he loved in need of mercy, he would want someone else to show that mercy. Therefore, he gifts it to others, whether he feels they deserve it or not, unless of course they are posing an immediate threat to something or someone. Some people just don’t help themselves, haha.

2. Basch is pure-hearted, but he is not innocent. He believes in some pretty idealistic things, but he does not do so idealistically. Turning a blind eye to evil, suffering, death, etc. or pretending like they don’t exist are not things Basch ever engages in. He is a career soldier who has seen horrific things in war. He’s killed, he’s seen others kill, he’s been around death, torture, suffering, and grief for almost his entire life. He doesn’t shy away from life’s evils and hardships, but he does actively choose to focus on and believe in the good and beauty of life instead. It’s not denial or avoidance, but rather it’s simply choosing to champion the good instead of wallowing in the bad.

Goodness will prevail long-term. Battles are lost, people die, and kingdoms fall, but overall through the course of time and the grander scheme of things, Basch believes that goodness does prevail. Goodness may not win every battle, but it will ultimately win the war. Is that true? Maybe, maybe not. But whether it is or it isn’t, Basch chooses to believe in it strongly.

Love conquers all. Love is an absolutely amazing thing to Basch. It’s power is incredible. He has seen kingdoms rise and fall, people live and die, lives built and destroyed, all because there was or was not love in some way or instance. Love’s presence or absence can change the course of history on a large scale, or it can change a single person’s life. The phrase “love conquers all” is often misunderstood as “love always wins” or “love always endures,” but this is not how Basch interprets it. He sees it more as “love’s influence over the decisions people make is one of the most powerful forces in existence.” It “conquers all,” in that there may be no greater motivating factor for human choices and actions than love gained, desired, spurned, or lost. He believes it is extremely powerful, and he respects that power deeply.

Love is still worth fighting for even if it dies, is destroyed, is lost, or never realized to begin with. Love, even as influential and powerful as it is, is also paradoxically very fragile. It is easily soured, ruined, disrupted, or lost. Just because love is something easily lost does not mean it isn’t worth striving for or feeling oneself. Basch believes that love is something worth feeling, even if it hurts, and worth hoping for, even if it never comes to you. It’s worth believing in. Not overly being a fan of the “gods” of his world, Basch might say that love is his religion. He reveres it, values it, supports it, and tries his very best to spread it to others in as many ways as he can.

3. Basch is hopeful, but he is not naïve. Very often Basch will continue fighting past the point at which one might say the cliched phrase of “all hope is lost.” There are times when he is very much aware of the low chances of winning, or living, or succeeding, or convincing others of something, etc., and yet he will persist. He’s able to do this because it

Hope can sustain a person through anything if they allow it to. You have to believe in it in order for it to work for you. And sometimes that’s really hard. When you’re hurting, when you’ve lost, and when life is really beating you down, it takes a lot of strength to still have hope. It takes strength to not just throw your hands up and spit back at the world that spit on you. Basch chooses never to lose hope, no matter how hard things get. He will still be there, fighting for those he loves and what he believes in, until his dying breath... because as long as he draws breath, there is still hope. It’s an inner strength that has only gotten stronger with age, experience, and all that he’s suffered. The more life tries to beat him down, the more insistent Basch comes back that hope is still alive.

Hope, for all that it can uplift a person, can also be a very painful thing. For many people, carrying the hopes of the masses on their shoulders might seem too daunting a burden or a duty to bear. For Basch, it is something he gladly accepts. Hope can be extremely painful when it is not fulfilled, and so he wants to give people something and someone outside of themselves to focus their despair and anger on if things don’t work out the way they want. He wants accountability and transparency that, look, I tried, but this time I failed, and I’m sorry. Because then people aren’t self-destructing. They are fighting with each other, or harming themselves with their own grief, fear, and loss. Instead, they place their trust and hope in people like him, in their leaders and those who advocate for them, and Basch takes that responsibility very seriously. This is one of the reasons why the destruction of his reputation hurt him so much. It wasn’t that he cared necessarily about his reputation for his own well-being or pride, but rather, he was sorry that someone the masses had trusted and placed their hopes in had (apparently) betrayed them. He was sadder for the implications of that than he was for himself.

There is value in fighting what seems to be a futile battle, or fighting against seemingly insurmountable odds, even if you lose. As long as he can inspire hope in at least one other person, that hope will continue even after his own life is lost. This chain of morale and perseverance is very important to Basch. It can amount to person’s legacy every bit as much as one’s reputation or the children they leave behind. Basch wants his legacy to be that he made the world a kinder and more hopeful place, even in some small way. And besides, one never does really know. A sure thing on the battlefield can change in seconds, but so can what seems like a guaranteed loss. Anything can happen in battle, the tide can turn in an instant, and that’s another reason why Basch refuses to ever lose hope.

4. He does not blindly believe in these principles despite life beating the contrary into him, he chooses to believe in them in spite of the hardships and heartache life throw at him. He knows that, very often, the world is not what he’d like it to be and neither are people. Neither is he. But he deeply loves and believes in the ideas of goodness, love, kindness, empathy, and mercy. So much so that he perseveres in his beliefs well past the point at which most people might become bitter, cynical, depressed, angry, or apathetic. I think the idea that these good, moral, and wonderful things he believes in exist somewhere and for someone even if not for him is what sustains him.

Life isn’t just about himself, it’s about the world he will leave behind one day. His life doesn’t exist in a bubble. As I mentioned above, his actions and words influence others, and that influence will continue in some after he is gone. Everything he does, says, and even believes in affects those around him in a multitude of way. Someone might remember and repeat his words to their children someday. Someone might survive a battle because they were faltering and he bolstered them with a rousing speech. Someone might become a soldier, a knight, or something else because he inspired them to do so. Anything is possible. Because of this, Basch is very aware of how he treats people, how he talks to them, and how he conducts himself. It all matters, and everything is connected, so he wants to be what he wants to leave behind.

If everyone put out into the world what they wanted to receive from it, the world would be a much better place. One of the saddest things he hears is, “well they treated me terribly so I’m going to treat them terribly right back,” or “why should I be kind when no one else is?” If for no other reason than to break that sort of cycle, Basch puts kindness, love, respect, compassion, empathy, and tolerance out into the world regardless of what he gets back. Maybe it’ll help tip the scales a bit, or maybe not, but if even just a fraction of people would do as he does and try to live kinder lives, the world would be a better place. He truly believes that, and so he contributes to it, putting more good out into the world than he receives.

5. His beliefs are part of who he is, and he would have them regardless of what other people thought of him or how they reacted to him.

He continues to believe in spite of the fact that what he believes may never come to pass. It all comes down to this: Basch doesn’t believe what he believes because it’s true, because that’s what he experiences in life, or because he hopes things like evil, cruelty, and war will someday actually be eradicated... he believes because he deeply loves these principles. They have his heart, truly, these ideals, even if they aren’t always real-world practical or applicable. Basch believes in a kinder, gentler, happier, more loving, peaceful, and empathetic world... even if the real world will never quite reach that ideal. Just because it isn’t realistically possible, does not mean it isn’t worth believing in or fighting for, and I don’t think anyone could ever convince Basch otherwise. He knows what darkness the world holds, he’s stood in it most of his life, but he chooses to keep moving towards the light, even as it recedes from him. Even if he never reaches it. It’s the only way he knows how to be and how to live.

He grows to become a very unselfish and incorruptible “white knight” figure. Basch is the epitome of the “white knight” trope in writing, except that he is a rare uncorrupted version of it. Usually when I see the white knight in writing, movies, games, etc., he’s still tainted in some way or he’s somehow disingenuous. For example, someone who speaks of more honor than he has, or someone who constantly spouts “virtuous” things because he wants attention or because he thinks it makes him better than others, or someone who is so fanatically moral that they actually end up being, in many cases, immoral. Pride, arrogance, fanaticism, and/or self-aggrandizement are usually involved. However, with Basch, he doesn’t believe what he believes to get attention, to feed his own ego, because he thinks he’s better than others, or because he thinks everyone else is wrong if they don’t believe the same. He just... exists. He is who he is, he is himself. That’s all. What you see is what you get, and that’s rare in both real life and in fictional characters. To have someone who continues to hold true to himself no matter what others say, how far his name is dragged through the mud, what he suffers, who and what he loses... is a rare level of integrity and strength of character not often seen. I think that’s one of the things that draws me to Basch as a writer, the fact that he is truly unselfish and solid in his beliefs through so many instances and under so many circumstances that would usually cause someone’s personality to sour over time.

[devilsurvivor-2-recordbreaker]

I feel that compared to other forms of horror, horror created on the internet (creepy pasta, analouge horror, tall tales of spooky shocker websites, etc.) are far much more intimate about their content and subjects.

Like the rings of the internet horror form by people consistently keeping them alive purely out of a sort of love for it and the medium they come from.

I realize that such works like Petscop and Don't Hug Me I'm Scared are so visceral because of the many layers which they build upon from.

Petscop could be associated and linked to the internet users fascination with lost media, or lost content history forgot in the waves of time. And DHMIS being linked to the sort of episodic format for horror that thrives on such platforms like YouTube because of how they as well present such things as the passage of time as a part of the narrative.

(I didn't realize this but on the DHMIS YouTube page, the kickstarter videos have all the characters tied up and held hostage for money which I believe plays into the story somehow but I'm not sure cause I've yet to properly analyze both web-series and the recent TV show.)

Example being like how such horror shows like Alan Tutorial were effective because of the long distances between video releases, drawing out the sort of tension a 'next week on xyz' or cliffhanger couldn't do justice cause you are already on that cliff and your barely hanging on to begin with.

Returning to my thesis statement, I believe such horror created on the internet has such intimacy and closely emotional connection because it is made by people, genuine artist who want to express their passion. This is not to say that larger scale projects made by studios can't also be genuine with their art or that 'something made with big money is inherently bad or not real art,' no that isn't the case. What I do feat is that within the past decade we have seen the sort of degrading of expression as art turns less into interaction and more into consumption for hungry consumers by companies trying to make the most money while selling you the most marketable and least threating stuff imaginable made by artist who themselves go under appreciated and under cut by the industry they sought to create in and are stopped because art from the soul cost too much and doesn't make the biggest bucks.

Such art (horror) then can be well made and be allowed to express without such restraints because artist have much more freedom than an industry would ever allow. Art to me is meant to be weird and uncanny and sometimes confrontational about its subject matters and be allowed to get nasty, just like humans, and just like humanity art no matter how cookie cutter or 'normal' you try to make it will still have some kind of soul to it, even if in the faintest of places or ideas or themes. Art like this is so tethered to the human experience that a sort of light in all the darkness of reality shines through it. This form of nature essentially immortal on the internet and forever changing people who have witnessed it, even after it's taken down or removed or just go entirely without a trace, its phantom wounds can still be felt in the hearts its touched and I think that's wonderful.

[tilldusk]

Vector, an in depth character study.

Alright, grab a snack and strap in as we delve deep and take a closer look at everyone's favorite homicidal carrot.

Let me start off by saying I do not think Vector is inherently evil just because his dad was a ruthless man. I don't think he was born even or would even later become so without Don Thousand interfering. I guess you could argue and say Djinn Buster being embedded into his heart caused his pure and kind natural. But then you would have to argue the same about the other Barian, that Alito didn't actually care about being honorable or those kids he fought for in the Arena, he only acted that way because he had Lion Heart, that Durbe wasn't a noble Knight willing to put his life on the line for those he cared for, that was all his winged companion, Mach. I believe it's more like, those Number cards were meant to help and or act as guidance for the Barian in their past lives, not directly control them or possession, if you will. Lion Heart taught Alito honor, even among the daunting challenges of the Colosseum.

Mach taught Durbe courage, even when if it meant his own death.

Jinlon taught Mizael compassion, even towards humans when they were responsible for attacking his village, and killing the dragons.

Ponta taught Gilag fellowship, that all for one is much better than one for all.

And Finally, Djinn Buster taught Vector kindness, something he would never receive or see of his father, even if this was done more so silently from the background.I think Djinn Buster also gave Vector hope during tough times. Because let's be honest here, Vector's dad was more than likely verbally, as well as physically abusive towards his family and everyone serving them in the castle. I could not imagine the mental strain that must have caused. I'm sure Vector received a lot of kindness from his mother, she was obviously very caring towards him, enough that she would take a sword for him. But since he was the future ruler of their Kingdom, the King likely didn't want her dotting on their son because in his eyes, it would make Vector 'weak'. So I doubt he got as much parental affection, at least as much as most children do. So Djinn Buster was that one, although silent, prominent figure in his life that was positive and helping to lead him down a proper path. As we can see from in the moments where it shows Don Thousand corrupts them, his influence is much more powerful than any these guardian's would have been able to cast over them. And that's why I don't think Djinn Buster was in direction control of Vector, making him do these things. He was just the incentive there to encourage Vector to do good, just as the other guardian were for the Barian. You might ask, well, how exactly did these numbers come into their possession in the first place?We see that Alito already had Lion heart, Mizael finds Jinlon's in the desert, and Vector's randomly falls from the sky and into his crib as a baby. I'm not exactly sure what made them choose these individuals, but they obviously saw something and wanted to help them. Maybe they felt how they had suffered, or in Vector's case, would have suffered without motivation and hope? I’ll leave the ‘why of it’ up for you to decide. I know what you're thinking. What about that scene where Don Thousand tells Vector the same cruel blood of his father runs through his veins:

Analyzing the scene, Vector acts just like someone who was hypnotizing, all the Barian do in Fact. Don Thousand tells Vector his father's cruel blood runs through his veins, and Vector similarly repeats this:

Which is the exact same thing someone would do if they were put under. Now, just for the heck of it, let’s look up the definition of hypnosis: The induction of a state of consciousness in which a person apparently loses the power of voluntary action and is highly responsive to suggestion or direction. Its use in therapy, typically to recover suppressed memories or to allow modification of behavior by suggestion, has been revived but is still controversial. By telling Vector that was Don Thousand putting him under a state of hypnosis and ‘suggesting’ to him that he was evil. Umbral Horror Masquerade was embedded into his heart was there to ensure that he remained under that delusion. Which is ironic in a sense, because the meaning of Masquerade is ‘to disguise oneself‘. When you think about it, you usually take this as a reference to how Vector pretended to be good in order to betray Yuuma, and it probably is. But it can also reference to how Don Thousand disguises the good in Vector, thus turning him evil when in reality, he never was:

This is during his duel with Nasch after he was attacked with Djinn Buster and brought out of his trance. Here, Don Thousand contradicts what he said in the above image. He openly admits that Vector was pure of heart, and not  inherently evil. That instead, because he was so pure of heart, it made him more susceptible to his influence and becoming so evil. Everything that Vector became and has done is strictly a product of the darkness Don Thousand.  I know Vector pretends to turn over a new leaf in this scene only to stick it to Nasch and the others. But I honestly think his initial shock and reaction are very genuine. He just found out that everything he knew was a lie. He never killed his own parents, he was never the same as his father like he was made to believe. There was no real reason for anything, not even to hate Nasch. His entire problem with Nasch stemmed from what Don Thousand did. Before that, they likely knew of each other but more than likely didn’t know each other. It shows no event in which Nasch ever did anything to Vector to cause this hatred. Whatever happened between them, it had to be during his deranged state, probably over the fact that Nasch didn’t fall in battle as easily as those around him and it pissed him off. But getting back on track here, I can’t imagine the rush of different emotions Vector felt in that moment, emotions that were suppressed by Don Thousand’s hypnosis. Sadness, anger, confusion, intense regret and guilt. It must have been like the floodgates opened up. He probably hadn’t experienced feelings of regret or guilt since he was still a Prince. And it I think that it’s here, that Vector truly realized the extent of the horrors he committed while under his control. Vector probably had no idea how to deal with himself or what to even think in this moment. Or who he even was anymore. Was he the one kind and caring Prince? Or the Mad King that craved destruction? Which of those personalities were the real him? His entire identity up until this point was one molded by Don Thousand. His mind was probably a mess. I think it’s because of this that Vector suddenly did a 180 in his duel with Nasch, going from a restored frame of mind, to falling back into his deranged. He was trying to suppress the overwhelming swore of thoughts and emotions he felt that had become foreign to him over the years, trying to tell himself that he didn’t care and that this is who he was. I think he always knew that Don Thousand was hiding something from him, I think he even says this at some point but I can’t find the image, but at the time I don’t think he cared because he didn’t know exactly just how much his life was altered and impacted by the dark entity. But it clearly gets to him after he learns the truth:

If Vector was ‘truly’ evil, he wouldn’t care about his altered memories. And had Nasch not attacked him with Djinn Buster, and broken him out of that state of mind that Don Thousand put him under, he likely wouldn’t. I believe him acting evil here is more of an act, than his moment of despair.  The fact that he let’s go of Yuuma’s hand so he doesn’t die with him greatly backs this up for me. In conclusion, I don’t think Vector was ever born evil. I think now that he has his sense of clarity back that he feels deep regret over what he’s done, even if the actions weren’t his own and were not carried out voluntary. But despite this, they were still carried out by his hands. It’s like Don Thousand said:

While the ‘real’ Vector himself is innocent and just as much of a victim as the others, the one influenced by Don Thousand is not. And now he has to shoulder and take responsibility for the mistakes that were made during that period. Without that darkness in his heart, I think Vector is just neutral. He’s no longer the Prince he was all those years ago, this experience forever changed him. Yet, he isn’t the insane villain that we see, either. This next bit probably falls more under a post-canon headcanon category, but, I think what happened bothers him more than he lets on, even after they’ve all been revived, he will always struggle with this and struggle to grasps who he truly is. Vector is probably scared to look to deeply into that, fearing what he might find out. He keeps himself closed off from others and continues to act like a jerk because that’s what everyone is use to, what they expect of him at this point. Why try to change it up now when no one will take it seriously? He’s been bad for so long, Vector probably doesn’t see a point in trying to better himself as a person because his sins are so great it seems impossible and so pointless. So, instead, he just accepts that he’s a horrible person who can’t be a decent human being because it’s so much easier than trying and failing to do better when you think that you aren’t, and that no one will look at you any differently in the end no matter how hard you try. But, I believe deep down, there is more good in Vector, than Vector believes is in himself. Whelp, thanks for coming to my Ted talk.

[basic-otaku]

My thoughts on Xue Yang's character (based on the drama and novel)

Xue Yang is a character I didn’t fully understand until I finished The Untamed. I looked back on him with a bit of pity but little understanding. It wasn’t until I listened to his character song that I truly began to dissect his character. Reading those lyrics completely flipped my perspective on him, and I went back to watch the Yi City arc again. I was shocked by how much I had missed. Xue Yang has since become one of my favorite characters of the series. I’ve spent so much time thinking about him and his motives that I finally decided to write down my thoughts. This analysis comes mostly from what I perceived, so it may differ from other people’s opinions. You are free to disagree with me.

Let’s start with what we know: Xue Yang was a street kid with a hard childhood. We know he was abandoned at a young age, but we don’t know how young. However, he must have been old enough to survive, so he couldn’t have been younger than four when he started fending for himself. We don’t know who his parents are because he doesn’t remember them, nor does he remember anyone else who had potentially taken care of him. His parents could be dead for all we know, or they could have dumped him somewhere when they no longer wanted to take care of him. It’s all up to speculation. He also has a very high pain tolerance, probably due to constant beatings as a child.

When you’re all alone in the world, you have to learn to put yourself first. There’s no one to care for you, so only you can care for yourself. I believe that Xue Yang wasn’t always a bad person because no one is inherently evil. However, because he was alone, there was no one to nurture him and teach him right from wrong. When all you experience is violence and hatred, that becomes your response to similar situations; you don’t expect kindness or want to give it in return.

One of Xue Yang’s flaws as a child was his naivety — he was much too quick to trust. That’s how he got himself into such a bad situation. He was eager to have something he was never able to have (candy), so he immediately trusted that shopkeeper when he said he could have some as a reward for running an errand. What he got in return wasn’t candy, but a brutal beating and a severed pinky. If Xue Yang had still had any faith left in humanity, this is the point where it would have left him. The remaining childhood innocence in him was gone. This brings me to an interesting piece of dialogue. In Yi City, when Xue Yang confronts Song Lan and tells him what he’s been up to, Song Lan curses at him, calling him an animal. Xue Yang laughs at him and says, “I quit using those words when I was seven.” And what happened to Xue Yang’s finger? “One finger was ground into battered flesh on the spot. The child was seven.” Even Xue Yang himself knows that moment was when everything changed, and he still carries the resentment with him now.

Back to the cart incident. This event scarred him for life and was the primary reason he became a sociopath. Now he’s bent on revenge. He was powerless as a child; just another street rat who shouldn’t be treated like a human being nor spared any pity. So, when he realizes he can do the same to those that hurt him, he takes it much further. When he was old enough and strong enough, he exacts his revenge. He wanted to make the Chang Clan feel his pain — not only for the finger he had lost but for his whole miserable life up to that point. If no one deigned to understand him, then he’d make them understand in the only way he knew how. With violence.

Xue Yang was only fifteen or sixteen when he slaughtered the Chang Clan, killing more than fifty people. This is where he meets Xiao Xingchen and Song Lan. From the first moment, Xue Yang hates Xiao Xingchen. He’s so righteous, so full of light. He thinks he makes the world better just by doing a little good. What a hypocrite. Where was he when he was needed? Where was he when Xue Yang was a seven-year-old boy left crying in the streets after having his finger ground to a pulp? No, nobody can be that good.

When Xue Yang is captured by Wei Wuxian and the others, Xiao Xingchen takes him back to Qinghe to be apprehended, and Xue Yang vows to get his revenge on Xiao Xingchen for it. It isn’t long after he escapes from Qinghe that Xue Yang slaughters Baixue Temple, blinding Song Lan in the process. According to Xue Yang’s logic, hurting Xiao Xingchen’s friend is just as bad as hurting Xiao Xingchen himself. This is what causes the rift between Xiao Xingchen and Song Lan. Without this incident, Xue Yang and Xiao Xingchen may never have met again.

A few years have likely passed while Xue Yang was working for Jin Guangyao. He is probably closer to eighteen or nineteen when Jin Guangyao injures him and throws him out, which is how Xiao Xingchen and A-Qing find him. Xiao Xingchen doesn’t hesitate in bringing Xue Yang back to Yi City with him and A-Qing and caring for his wounds. Xue Yang wakes up pained and disoriented, but he immediately tries to back away when he realizes who is tending to him. He doesn’t know Xiao Xingchen is unaware of his identity, and probably thinks that Xiao Xingchen is getting ready to take him to face justice or something. But Xiao Xingchen insists that he doesn’t need to know who Xue Yang is and that he’s only doing what’s right. Xue Yang is clearly shocked by this admission. He truly cannot comprehend kindness, and this is the first time he’s ever experienced it.

This is also the first time we get to see his genuine smile. It’s shocked and incredulous, like he can’t believe this is happening, but it’s there. Throughout the series, Xue Yang’s snarky words and sly smirk are a token of his character, but now we know they are just a mask he uses to hide the small, broken child inside of him. If no one can see the hurt he hides, then no one can hurt him further. But with just one kind gesture, Xiao Xingchen was able to bring out the young boy who just wanted love and comfort.

This kindness is such a foreign concept to Xue Yang that he doesn’t think it’s genuine for a long time. But as the years pass, Xue Yang comes to realize that Xiao Xingchen isn’t a threat. This is something he scoffs at. Xiao Xingchen is ridiculously naïve; so stupid. If he knew who he was living with, who he was eating with, he wouldn’t act like this. He would treat Xue Yang the same way everyone else had. So, Xue Yang decides to trick Xiao Xingchen into murdering innocent people for revenge. Xue Yang can’t wait for Xiao Xingchen to find out what Xue Yang has made him do because it’ll break him. What this revenge is for is up to interpretation. Maybe he’s still angry about being captured and sent to Qinghe. Maybe he’s angry at the world for treating him so badly. Maybe Xue Yang wants to show Xiao Xingchen that his worldview is stupid and that there are no good or pure people in the world. I choose to believe that it’s the last one.

At least, this is his motivation at first — he slowly loses the will to harm Xiao Xingchen. This brings me to another interesting point. In episode three, Xue Yang says he doesn’t fear death, he fears boredom. But isn’t this domestic life he’s living with Xiao Xingchen and A-Qing considered boring by his standards? I think the boredom he speaks of is really the fear of being alone and having nothing at all. Now he’s happy, however reluctantly he’s willing to admit it. He wouldn’t have put up with A-Qing’s petulant behavior if he didn’t enjoy the time they spent together. Although they didn’t get along at first, Xue Yang protects A-Qing and takes care of her like an annoying older brother. He teases her, sure, but he also cuts her apple slices in the shape of rabbits and gives her advice on how to scare away the people who bully her (even though killing them isn’t great advice). Xiao Xingchen and A-Qing were the family he never had. Now he would do anything to preserve the life he is living.

After about a year, Xue Yang’s plan stopped being about revenge. I’m not completely sure how he justified this change of heart, but I like to think he told himself he was still biding his time and that he’d get back to it eventually (even if he had stopped thinking about hurting Xiao Xingchen). Based on what A-Qing told Song Lan when he arrived at Yi City, Xue Yang hadn’t taken Xiao Xingchen out on one of those night hunts in a long time. And most of the people that Xue Yang made Xiao Xingchen kill were the merchants that made fun of his blindness and cheated him with bad vegetables and high prices. It was a messed-up way to get revenge for Xiao Xingchen. Xue Yang hates being looked down on, so shouldn’t Xiao Xingchen feel the same way?

Nevertheless, the time they spent in Yi City was probably the only time Xue Yang had been happy in his entire life. Xiao Xingchen was so in tune with what Xue Yang needed that Xue Yang came to care for him deeply. Whether those feelings were romantic or platonic in nature is up to the viewer, but I believe Xue Yang had fallen in love with Xiao Xingchen in the only sick and twisted way he could. Xiao Xingchen understood him more than anyone ever had, going so far as to listen to his idle ramblings and bring him a piece of candy every day after hearing that he had loved sweets as a child but could never have any. He managed to tame the savage beast in Xue Yang’s heart with only his presence and basic human decency. Xue Yang’s bloodlust was satiated as long as he had Xiao Xingchen to take care of him. At this point, I don’t think he would ever actually kill Xiao Xingchen. He had stopped wanting to hurt him a long time ago. A-Qing? Sure. She’s expendable, but Xiao Xingchen is irreplaceable. Even if Xue Yang reluctantly came to care about her, it wasn’t the same kind of bond. She had never shown him the same kindness that Xiao Xingchen had. He wouldn’t hesitate to hurt her if she betrayed him, but she was important to Xiao Xingchen, which meant he couldn’t do her any harm if he didn’t want to disrupt their happy life.

If Song Lan hadn’t found them, how long would Xue Yang have stayed? I don’t even think he knew. He just knew that he didn’t want to leave anymore. Xiao Xingchen gave him too much for him to want that. The viewer can easily see the happiness in his eyes when he looks at Xiao Xingchen. Xue Yang acts like a kid around him — playing games, joking around, making him laugh with childish remarks. Even in the quiet moments, he’s happy. This was especially noticeable in the campfire scene. It wasn’t shown in the original drama, but in the special edition, Xue Yang smiled at Xiao Xingchen from across the fire, and the look in his eyes as he gazed at his daozhang was so tender that it honestly caught me off guard. It seemed to catch Xue Yang off guard too because he caught himself, and the smile slowly fell. It’s like he realized what he’s doing and remembered that this should be about revenge.

Where in the past, Xue Yang hated Xiao Xingchen for his righteousness, he now loves him for his naivety. Without it, Xue Yang knows that Xiao Xingchen would be disgusted with himself. There would be no more laughs, no more games, and no more smiles. Then Xue Yang would lose the one person who didn’t treat him like dirt. So, when Song Lan finds them, Xue Yang immediately perceives it as a threat to their domestic life. He knows how important Song Lan is to Xiao Xingchen, and there’s no doubt in his mind that Xiao Xingchen won’t hesitate to leave with Song Lan when he discovers Xue Yang’s identity.

Furthermore, Xue Yang resents Song Lan for taking Xiao Xingchen’s eyes (even though it was voluntary on Xiao Xingchen’s part and was essentially Xue Yang’s fault). His logic tells him that having Xiao Xingchen kill Song Lan would be the perfect way for Xiao Xingchen to get his revenge. What Xue Yang doesn’t understand is that not everyone thinks about things in the context of revenge. I don’t believe Xiao Xingchen ever truly regretted giving up his sight. But Xue Yang can’t comprehend how someone could be that selfless.

This is where it all falls apart. A-Qing sees what happened to Song Lan, and she runs to Xiao Xingchen and tells him everything. When Xiao Xingchen comes back to confront him, Xue Yang spills it all. There’s nothing left for him to lose. His mask falls again, and he basically bares his soul to Xiao Xingchen. This is probably the first time he’s told the story about his finger, and I think he genuinely thought Xiao Xingchen was going to understand him; that if he knew what Xue Yang went through, he’d sympathize with him and justify his action (thereby justifying his feelings). Instead of that, however, Xiao Xingchen calls him disgusting, and it flips a switch inside of Xue Yang. How can Xiao Xingchen call him disgusting when he’s killed people too?

I think one of the reasons Xue Yang led Xiao Xingchen to kill those people was to bring Xiao Xingchen down to his level. Xue Yang doesn’t think that anyone can be as good as Xiao Xingchen claimed to be, so he had to taint his perfect record. Maybe if he killed people, Xiao Xingchen would understand him. Xue Yang thought that when Xiao Xingchen found out, he’d stay with him. Now he’s not the same righteous person he used to be, so how could he be good enough to travel the world with Song Lan? No, he should stay with Xue Yang instead and live a happy life together.

So, when Xiao Xingchen calls him disgusting, Xue Yang was probably confused and upset, which made him instinctively put his mask back up. Being vulnerable only hurt him again, so he’s back to harsh words and smirks, telling Xiao Xingchen that this is why he’s always hated him and that all of this was fun. Fun in every sense of the word: the killing and the happiness.

Xiao Xingchen finding out that he killed Song Lan was the last straw. Xue Yang is still laughing as Xiao Xingchen slits his own throat. It takes a moment for the realization to set in, but as it does, the smile falls from Xue Yang’s lips, and his hands begin to shake. This is the third time his mask has fallen. His eyes begin to well with tears, but he tries to keep up his act, saying that dead ones are easier to control, but the only one he’s acting for is himself.

The next scene is the one that really solidified Xue Yang’s feelings for me. He cleans the blood from Xiao Xingchen’s skin with the same care that Xiao Xingchen had shown him when he first found Xue Yang in that ditch. Xue Yang clearly thinks that Xiao Xingchen is going to come back and that the ritual will work, that he staves off his tears and sets out food for both of them. He considers eating his candy but then decides he should wait until Xiao Xingchen comes back. If he’s back, then Xue Yang is sure to get another piece.

When he realizes that the ritual isn’t working and Xiao Xingchen isn’t coming back, he breaks down. The tantrum he throws is so full of rage and anguish that it really shows the depth of his feelings for Xiao Xingchen. Again, he goes back to acting, trying to guilt Xiao Xingchen’s dead body into coming back to life by telling him all the terrible things he’ll do to Song Lan and A-Qing if he doesn’t reawaken. Obviously, Xiao Xingchen can’t hear him, and Xue Yang knows this, even if he doesn’t want to admit it. He finally dissolves into tears, screaming and crying over Xiao Xingchen’s corpse. This may have been the first time he’s cried since he lost his finger. Crying is for innocent, naïve children, and it doesn’t help anybody. But now Xue Yang has had a taste of pure sweetness and doesn’t want to go back to the bitter life he has known, so he finally lets himself weep for all the things he could have had.

Xue Yang spent the next seven years trying to bring Xiao Xingchen back to life with no success. We don’t know much about his activities after Yi City, but we have gotten information through rumors that Shuanghua was being used to kill innocents. It seems like Xue Yang wanted to keep a part of Xiao Xingchen with him. He even continued his sick revenge plot after Xiao Xingchen’s death by gouging out the eyes of and killing the remains of the Chang Clan, including their leader, Chang Ping, by lingchi. Xue Yang doesn’t blame himself in the slightest; he just thinks that Xiao Xingchen’s death was an unfortunate consequence of the situation. He will put the blame on anyone and everyone other than himself. Thus, instead of performing lingchi on himself like Wei Wuxian suggested, he takes out his anger on the remains of the Chang Clan.

Everything Xue Yang does in the present is tied to Xiao Xingchen, yet he still can’t bring him back. So, when he heard that the Yiling Patriarch had suddenly come back to life, Xue Yang knew it was his last chance. The sword ghost/ghost arm is what led Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji to Yi City. It was pointing to its murderer. I’m sure Xue Yang could have avoided a confrontation if he wanted, but this was intentional. As for the juniors, I have a feeling that Xue Yang was behind the cat corpses that led them to meet up with Wei Wuxian. This is still unclear though because Xue Yang doesn’t have a real reason to get them involved. The only person he needs is Wei Wuxian.

Xue Yang has tried everything at this point. So, when Wei Wuxian finds him in Yi City, pretending to be Xiao Xingchen, he is completely desperate. I do wonder if that is something he has done more than once. Did he often go around dressed as Xiao Xingchen? Was he playing with the life they had in Yi City? Pretending he was still there? Or was it a one-time thing to trick Wei Wuxian into dropping his guard? I also wonder how often he used his own sword because only after Lan Zhan took Shuanghua from him did he pull out Jiangzai. That could be because he was acting as Xiao Xingchen, but we can’t be sure. However, that isn’t the point. Right now, Wei Wuxian was Xue Yang’s only option because the Yiling Patriarch surely knew things he didn’t. Xue Yang had lived with Xiao Xingchen’s corpse for those seven years, keeping him in pristine condition. I’m pretty sure the only way Xue Yang could have done this was by giving him spiritual energy every day, which would be incredibly draining. I don’t think Xue Yang had an exceptionally strong golden core to begin with either. He is primarily a demonic cultivator, which means he doesn’t use his golden core often. It must have taken most of his strength to keep Xiao Xingchen’s body in such good condition. But anything for daozhang, right? Xue Yang needed Xiao Xingchen’s body to be perfect when he returned. He also put aside his pride and used Song Lan for protection all those years. He kept the one person he continued to hate with a burning passion around him for so long.

When Wei Wuxian tells Xue Yang he can’t bring Xiao Xingchen back to life because his soul is too broken, Xue Yang refuses to believe it. It’s been seven years already; he can’t give up now. Deep down, I believe Xue Yang knows Xiao Xingchen wouldn’t want anything to do with him even if he did come back, but he can’t figure out why. Because nothing was his fault, of course.

Something Wei Wuxian said really struck me as I went back to rewatch episode 39. Before the fight, Wei Wuxian turns to Xue Yang and says, “you disgust him to the core, yet you still want to pull him back to play this stupid game.” Xue Yang responds with “I want nothing of the kind.” And he’s being honest. He doesn’t want a stupid game — he wants something real. He wants a life where Xiao Xingchen knows his identity and stays with him in spite of it. He just wants one person to accept him as he is, but that will never, nor could ever, happen —not with all the crimes he has committed.

When Lan Wangji cut off his arm, leaving Xue Yang bleeding on the ground, I think he knew it was over. There was nothing left for him now. He was never getting Xiao Xingchen back. He never had him in the first place, not in any way that counted. So he laughs, blood spilling from his lips, to cover up the tears he wishes he could cry.

He’s ready when Song Lan stabs him, dying with a smile on his face as he gazes at the last piece of candy Xiao Xingchen had ever given him. It’s blackened and inedible, yet Xue Yang held on to it for so long; it was a reminder of his daozhang and of why he was fighting so hard. Like his character song said, he was “too determined to let go.”

It’s kind of sad that even in death, he was never respected by anyone other than Xiao Xingchen, and all of that was built on a lie. He didn’t even get a proper burial, although I suppose he kind of deserved it. Xue Yang is the character I pity the most in this series. He isn’t a good person, nowhere near it, and he deserved the end he got, but I wish things could have been different. What hurts is that it just as easily could have been Wei Wuxian. If Xue Yang had been taken in as a child; if he’d had his own Jiang Fengmian, his own Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli, he could have been happier. Maybe none of this would have happened. Maybe he would have met Xiao Xingchen and Song Lan and started a sect with them. Realistically, he and Xiao Xingchen would never be lovers because Xiao Xingchen was so strongly connected to Song Lan, but I think they could have been friends.

However, one question I still have is did Xue Yang fall in love with Xiao Xingchen because of how he treated him or because of the person Xiao Xingchen really was? If they had met under different circumstances (and if Xue Yang had had a support system when he was young), would Xue Yang have still fallen in love with him? I guess that’s up to the viewer to decide.

Ultimately, Xue Yang is still a sociopath who can’t understand empathy or feel remorse, so I don’t think he regretted any of his crimes. However, I do believe that Xue Yang regretted the consequences of his actions in Yi City. He didn’t want Xiao Xingchen to die, but his actions were what caused his death. It’s more of a dissatisfaction with where things ended up than feeling guilty for his death. Although I don’t think Xue Yang felt remorseful, that doesn’t mean he wasn’t grieving, nor does it mean his feelings for Xiao Xingchen weren’t as genuine as they could have been.

I don’t know where Xue Yang or Xiao Xingchen will end up now, but I hope they’ll both be happy in their next lives. The same goes for A-Qing and Song Lan (when he finally meets his true end). There are so many things that contributed to Xue Yang’s unstable mind, but I think the moral of the story is that it pays to be kind. If just one person had taken pity on him as a child — had shown him that there was good in the world — I wonder what kind of person he would have become.

I already know how cruel fate is

Not looking, not asking, not grieving, not hating

Waiting to relive my life just for a single person

Ups and downs in life

I would leave no regrets

I tried searching in the darkness of night

When I am trapped in the past

I still hope that a flicker of light will appear in my heart

The legend of this lonely city

Who came here before?

And gifted to me my karma

I am waiting for this karma to liberate spirits, liberate souls, and liberate me

Even though I am already too determined to let go

If I get rid of these inner demons

Would you forgive me?

Gaining freedom from destiny, starting all over again

[embermc]

"People improve when they get external love and support. How can we hold it against them when they don't?"

This is a quote from The Good Place (awesome show, by the way, check it out). It's a show largely about redemption, morality, and the nature of humanity. Very importantly, it's a show about how people aren't inherently evil at heart, and although they can hurt other people and that isn't okay, they can also be negatively affected by their circumstances, and a large part of what makes redemption and changing for the better work is "external love and support" from others.

I've alluded to this quote before in previous posts, but I think it really perfectly applies to c!Wilbur right now, in his current state.

c!Wilbur, as we've seen, has been stuck in a dark, cold Limbo for thirteen years. He has had barely any stimuli, nothing but a deck of cards for entertainment, a lot of lingering mental illnesses, and most importantly for the context of this post, barely anyone to be with. He mentioned c!Schlatt sleeping for a while, and we now have the knowledge that Schlatt was off being a realtor. Mexican Dream is there, but there's a good chance that it wasn't for long, since he was a relatively new death that was only added years in, and he wasn't around in Tommy and Wilbur's conversation. And then there's c!Tommy. c!Tommy was with Wilbur in Limbo for a brief period of time, a few months, before leaving again which, is good for c!Tommy and I'm glad he didn't have to spend more time there, but it meant c!Wilbur had to spend even more years in crippling loneliness and near total isolation.

When he died, c!Wilbur was already not in a good mental state. He was incredibly depressed, traumatized, paranoid, suicidal, and in general, very mentally ill. This lead to him lashing out and hurting others, and in general, being a very morally grey character that made a lot of mistakes. As confirmed by c!Tommy, this shaky mental state and these behaviors have not gotten better during c!Wilbur's time in Limbo. And, of course they didn't. Isolation and crippling loneliness have never been the solution to healing someone's mental state, and this is something that has been proven time and time again by the SMP. In fact, a recurring theme on the SMP is that companionship and the company of others, and having others to be around and be a positive influence on you, is the best way to heal and fix yourself. In turn, the themes of the SMP have also shown that isolation, whether it be self-imposed or forceful, are absolutely devastating for one's mental state and condition, often leading to them making a lot of errors that they wouldn't have otherwise made.

c!Wilbur is no different. (Explanation under cut).

Upon returning to life, c!Wilbur is in a state of clear desperation. He undoubtedly doesn't want a repeat of his bad mental state and his situation in Limbo, where he was isolated, and he's searching for a purpose, for things to do, a role to play (since he has always assigned his self-worth to a role). Above all, he clearly doesn't want to lose c!Tommy. This has been made apparent and true numerous times, as we see him be desperate for c!Tommy to stay with him and to protect c!Tommy, even when Tommy himself wasn't watching or listening in. c!Wilbur doesn't want to be alone. He also is desperately searching for a role, a position of power, a nation, a rivalry, a headquarters, anything he can hold onto in order to have a sense of self-worth or a purpose.

And yeah, in the process, c!Wilbur may not be the most morally pure. He was definitely trying to guilt-trip and use underhanded methods of persuasion with Tommy to get him to stay with him and choose him over c!Quackity. He was lashing out, yelling at others in heated, stressful moments. He was occasionally lying. A lot of his coping mechanisms for his trauma were unhealthy, both for himself and for others. But here's the thing...how could he possibly have any other coping mechanisms? After being in a state of isolation and loneliness for literal years, it makes complete and total sense for him to not be a perfect human being. It makes sense for him to not have the best coping mechanisms, to, in the process, hurt those around him (despite wanting to be a better person, and I honestly believe this). While c!Wilbur's mental issues are not the responsibility of anyone else, c!Wilbur has not even had the benefit to have somebody that's a positive influence around him to keep him company, to make him slowly realize that he doesn't need to keep using the same unhealthy coping mechanisms. He has been without any real love or support for so long.

c!Wilbur is terrified of losing c!Tommy, because he doesn't want to be alone again, and doesn't know what to do if he was alone. He doesn't know who he is, alone, without a role to fit himself into or somebody to protect who looks up to him. He doesn't want a repeat of Limbo, where he wallowed in self-hatred and mental agony by himself for years. So he's desperate to keep c!Tommy with him, so desperate that he's willing to use morally dubious tactics like guilt-tripping in order to ensure he doesn't end up by himself. It's not morally correct for him to do, and it's negative for c!Tommy's mental health, but it's not a super malicious action coming from some irredeemable evil person. c!Wilbur's genuinely scared, and having a traumatic response to fearing a potential situation where he could end up alone again, a response that ends up hurting others despite him most likely not meaning to.

And because he's been alone for so long, without any real support, any real companionship, any real love, he's latching onto coping mechanisms and behaviors that won't necessarily be good or healthy for anyone. He's doing bad things as a result of a bad mindset, and he hasn't had the opportunity to heal from this bad mindset because he can't do it alone. It's very hard to heal alone, and to fix an unhealthy mindset alone, which is again, a theme that's been shown to us time and time again. And again, c!Wilbur's mindset is nobody's responsibility, least of all c!Tommy, who is a kid with his own trauma and issues, but c!Wilbur has been alone so long that he hasn't even been able to benefit solely from at least having somebody with him to positively influence him.

This doesn't excuse harm or stress he caused to c!Tommy, and c!Tommy would be perfectly in the right to distance himself from c!Wilbur if he so chooses, but it does explain a lot of c!Wilbur's actions and show that he's not some irredeemable monster. He makes mistakes, yes, but he's been trapped in an unhealthy mindset, with unhealthy behaviors and coping mechanisms, for so long, without ever getting much external love or support to help him out of that dark place. It makes sense that he isn't going to change overnight, and it would be a long process where he would most likely make more mistakes out of fear, or trauma, or any other factor. But one can't act like he's evil, or irredeemable, because he's not. c!Wilbur is a scared, traumatized guy who desperately doesn't want to lose everything he believes he has left, and from that desperation, comes actions and behaviors that end up hurting those around him, as well as himself.

It's important to hold c!Wilbur accountable for his actions, yes, but, there's a good chance he can change when he gets external love and support, so we can't act like he's acting out of pure malice or evil when he hasn't, for so long.

[eirikaanemo]

I was wondering is I could get a scenario where reader is actually a descendant of decarabian and is out to get revenge on barbatos and take back mondstat and barbatos’s gnosis so they can become the anemo archon. They are a spy in mondstat trying to gather information before they put their plan into full affect but end up falling in love with venti in the process and don’t know if they want to get revenge anymore so they tell venti everything.

Of course, I would be happy to! Thank you for being my first request! This is a little long, but I hope you like it!

Child of the Storm

Warnings: Some angst in the middle

Venti x GN!Reader

2.8k Words

Decarabian had many children. These children are known as storm sprites. Quite a few exist, though their numbers are greatly diminished now that he has fallen and Barbatos became the Anemo Archon. They’re mostly peaceful, but not all of them. Not you.

No, you want revenge. Barbatos took what was rightfully your father’s, the anemo gnosis and position as Archon. Decarabian had only been doing what he felt was right. He was protecting the people from the harsh and cruel colds of the outside world. And this was how he was rewarded?

It’s not like Barbatos is a good Archon anyway. He goes missing for centuries at a time, sleeping his time away. He doesn’t actively protect and guide his people. He is lazy and irresponsible. He does not deserve what is rightfully your father’s. And so, since your father cannot take the gnosis and rise to his rightful station, you will.

This is not something that is easily done. Even though he is the weakest of the Archons, Barbatos is still an Archon. There is an inherent power and ability that comes from simply holding a gnosis. So you must prepare.

To do so, you become a spy in Mondstadt. It takes a lot of power to create a human form. But using the remnants of your father’s power and what power you have in reserve, you manage it. You integrate yourself in the city by becoming a knight of favonius and making many friends. Kaeya in particular is rather fond of you.

Why a knight? You may as well protect your people in the meantime. Hypocrisy is not a good look on you. And having many friends will help you get more information and have a better cover. So your plan begins. You do not actively speak against Barbatos, but you do not speak or act in his favor either. Your friends come to know you as a sort of neutral party on religion.

It baffled you how everyone in the city seemed to love Barbatos. How could they love an absent Archon? How could they love someone who abandoned them and hate one who was always there for them? Nothing about it made sense.

Your plan works perfectly. It was slow at first, but you’ve started to get more and more information on the going ons of the city. Most of it is trustworthy, but don't sources, like gossiping with Kaeya, tend to have mixed results. Sometimes his information is factual and completely true. Sometimes it is something he seems to have made up off the top of his head.

One evening you were waiting for Kaeya to meet you at Angel’s Share for another one of your information sharing (read: gossiping) sessions. As you wait you take a moment to enjoy the music played by one of the many bards that play at the tavern. The music tonight is particularly good and played by a bard in green.

His teal tipped braids, dark hair, and flower in his cap compliment his fair complexion. The tips of his braids seem to almost glow in the dark. His slim fingers seem to dance across the strings of his lyre. It’s an enchanting sight and you may have just fallen a little in love. Just a little.

Vengeance is your whole purpose, you cannot allow something like a little infatuation to distract you from that. And yet you can’t help but return to the bar over and over just to see him play. You start to tip him anonymously with apples and wine. It’s not your fault, he’s just too good at what he does. This is just you giving him the reward he deserves.

He eventually catches on and finds out who’s leaving the tips, because Charles is a dirty traitor. But it would be easier to be mad if Venti wasn’t so grateful and happy to have figured out it’s you who’s leaving the tips. The two of you formally introduce yourselves to each other and strike up a good conversation. You end up spending a lot of time together with him after his performances. He seems to enjoy those nights as much as you do. And sometimes you catch him staring at you with a dreamy look out of the corner of your eye.

But you start noticing a couple odd things. He has an absolutely ridiculous alcohol tolerance with no sign of debilitating hangovers. While singing, he doesn’t seem to stop as often to breath as much as other bards. It could be passed off as him just being better a better bard, except for the fact that it’s by a superhuman margin.

When you spot him turning into a wind sprite to sleep in a small shelter in an alleyway, it explains a lot of things. However, some of your questions go unanswered until one night when you’re playing around as a storm sprite. You notice him sitting on the hands of the statue of Barbatos and get curious. He seems to be speaking, so you hide behind the statue and listen carefully to what he is saying.

“Oh, Himmel,” he sighs. “Am I doing the right thing? Everyone seems happy, but would they be happier if I was a better and more active Archon?” Your world stops. How is this possible? Why him? Why did it have to be him? Could you even do this anymore? What in the world would you do with yourself if not this? If you’re honest with yourself you have to admit that you have come to love him.

This is your life purpose! But you love him! How can you fulfill your purpose if it requires you to harm the one you have come to love? What would your father think? Nevermind, you know what your father would think. He would call you a weakling for not following through. But he’s dead. So does what he would say even matter anymore?

Your existential crisis lasts for a solid week. Venti notices how distant you’ve become and does ask about it, but leaves it be once he sees that you’re not ready to talk about it. One day it becomes too much. He deserves to know, you decide. It may be hard and may drive him away from you entirely.

But you can’t keep this from him. Doing so wouldn’t be right and he should know the truth before the two of you even consider having more of a relationship than you already have. So no matter how much it scares you and tears you up inside, you choose to tell him.

“Venti, could you meet me at Starsnatch cliff tomorrow?” You ask him, nervously. “I have something I need to tell you.” He seems surprised, but is agreeable to the idea. “Sure,” he replies. “I’ll see you then!” The smile he sends you kills you a little more inside.

“I need to go,” you tell him as you hurriedly got up, paid your bill, and left. “Was it something I said?” Venti wondered behind you. Shrugging, he takes another sip of his drink. “Well, I guess I can ask them tomorrow.”

Tomorrow comes too soon, after a sleepless night of tossing and turning in your bed. There is nothing you want to do less than go to Starsnatch cliff, but you promised. So you go. You take your time getting there before sitting down with your feet dangling off the edge of the cliff. The day is beautiful. Much too beautiful for a day that may just ruin your life forever.

Taking a deep breath, you notice some footsteps coming up behind you. “Hey there,” Venti says. “It took me a while to find you. Be a bit more specific next time, won’t you?” You nod absentmindedly and pat the ground next to you. After he sits down, you start.

“Once upon a time there was a storm sprite, a child of Decarabian. They were created near the end of his reign, too young to join in the effort to protect him and his cause: protecting the people of Mondstadt from the cold blizzards of the outside. This was before the snows were blown away, and blizzards were abundant. Decarabian had created a barrier to protect his people from almost certain death.

“Yet his people did not appreciate his protection. They rebelled against him and he fell before them. If Barbatos had not risen to power, the people would have faced almost certain death to the harsh winds of Boreas.

“But, in any case, there was only one storm sprite left in the area to hear his dying wish. He wished for vengeance, retribution for the injustice he received for fulfilling his duty to protect. And it became that storm sprite’s purpose for existence. Or so they thought.

“They spent many, many centuries plotting the downfall of Barbatos, growing in power slowly. Eventually they were able to create a human form and walk among the people of Mondstadt. And walk among the people they did, collecting information and preparing for the date they would finally find Barbatos and take back what was rightfully their father’s.”

You stop a moment for a chance to breathe and glance at him to see how he was taking the story. He looked thoughtful and he gazed out towards the horizon. So you take courage and continue.

“But then, something happened- something completely unplanned. The storm sprite fell in love. At first it was just infatuation but it grew and grew until it became something stronger and more pure. They truly loved, for the first time since their father had died. And there were signs that the one they loved might even feel the same.

“Then something happened. Something that made their whole world fall apart. They found out that the one they had grown to love was Lord Barbatos himself.” There was a moment of silence. You don’t dare look at him. You are absolutely terrified. After you take a deep breath to steady yourself, you keep talking.

“They didn’t know what to do. Their purpose was to destroy the man and everything he stood for. But their heart would never let them do it. Eventually they made a very difficult decision. They would tell him.

“This is my story, Venti. This is my life and my past. It’s not pretty and it’s not kind. You have every right to hate me, despise me. If you no longer want anything to do with me, I would understand. I just… like I said, I just felt that you deserve to know.”

There’s another moment of silence, slightly longer, heavier, and more awkward than the ones before. When you turned to look at him, drawing your knees up to your chest, you saw him looking at you, pensive. What did he see? You wonder. Does he see a monster who was plotting his demise? Does he see someone unforgivable and unwanted? Will he send me away from Mondstadt forever?

As you looked down at your shoes, a thousand more thoughts running through your mind, he finally spoke. “Well, I’ll admit that this is not what I thought you’d wanted to talk about today. I was expecting something more along the lines of a confession, honestly. And I suppose you did admit that you love me as part of your story, but part of me wishes that you had stopped there.”

If possible, your head drops lower as you press your forehead to your knees. “But,” he carried on. “I’m grateful that you told me this. It really would have messed things up more if you waited until we were in a relationship to tell me. For now, I’d say you should keep going on as you are. Live your life the best you can. I would really prefer if you found a new purpose, one that doesn’t end in my utter destruction, but you’re free to make that decision.

“I won’t chase you out, if that’s something you’re worried about. You’ve proven that you love Mondstadt and cherish it’s people. But I will ask for some space. It’s going to take some time for me to process all of this. I’m going to go now. I’ll approach you when I’m ready, please leave me be until then.”

“Okay,” you whisper loud enough for him to hear. Then he gets up and walks off. You cry until you can’t cry any more. You’re not sure why, you deserve this and were expecting this after all. But it still hurts. The close relationship the two of you had was gone. And you miss it already.

After some time you pull yourself together, clean yourself up best you can, and head back to Mondstadt. You follow his advice and keep going with your life. Your new purpose, you decide, is to serve and protect Mondstadt and all its people. Kaeya and your other friends notice something’s different and ask about it in concern.

Most lay off after you say you’re not ready to talk about it. But Kaeya, being the persuasive and stubborn guy he is, didn’t give up until you admitted that you’d done something that messed up your relationship with Venti. He knew how much Venti meant to you and made time to be with you more while Venti took his time deciding what he’d do about it.

Then Dvalin started attacking, a traveler came to visit, and fatui were more abundant. You would have loved to take action against all of these, but Venti was so closely entwined with all of these issues that you didn’t dare. Things seemed to be working out okay without you anyway.

But then you felt a disturbance. A fatui was approaching the cathedral. That was odd because while the fatui aren’t exactly subtle about not respecting Lord Barbatos, they were never as bold as to go near his cathedral. Something was wrong and you were determined to find out what.

You arrived just as La Signora tore his gnosis out. While you froze in shock for a moment, you burst into motion the minute she stopped for a moment to look at it. With the speed of a burst of lightning, you snatched the gnosis from her hand and disappeared. You only stopped when you reached Old Mondstadt, but you could still hear her scream of rage.

You stash the gnosis away, hidden in a satchel that you usually carry with you. As you’re heading home you run across Kaeya. After talking with him for a moment, you get an idea. “Kaeya, could you deliver a message to Venti for me?” You ask. “Sure,” he said, smirking a little. “Are you going to try and make it up to him?”

“In a way,” you respond. “Just tell him to meet me where we last spoke, okay?” After a moment of fake consideration and stroking his non-existent beard, he agreed and the two of you parted ways. He went on to Mondstadt and you headed to Starsnatch Cliff.

You didn’t wait long, a four pair of footsteps came quickly. From their pace you could tell that they’d run all the way there. Once they came to a stop you turn to greet them. They were guarded and wary, which was understandable, but it still hurt.

When you pull the gnosis out of your bag, you see looks of shock. “What?” You question. “Did you think I would claim it myself or something?” The traveler nodded, Diluc shrugged, Jean wobbled her head back and forth, while Venti looked a little ashamed of himself. You smile ruefully. “I guess I deserve that. But here,” you hand the gnosis over to Venti. “I believe this is yours.”

He looks at the gnosis, then at you, then the gnosis, and repeats the pattern a couple times, his eyes wide. Eventually his eyes settle on you as he absorbs the gnosis. When the shine of his transformation was still wearing off, you feel a pair of arms wrap around you and hug you to a chest.

“Thank you,” Venti murmurs in your ear. “I think you’ve more than proven yourself to me. I forgive you. How could I ever thank you for this?” You smile and hug him back. “Maybe you could consider joining me for lunch tomorrow?” You smile even wider when you feel him kiss your cheek. “I think I can do that,” he agrees.

When the two of you part, he un-transforms, and you both turn to look his companions. Diluc has one eyebrow raised. Jean seems to have gone into shock. Traveler’s face is bright red and Paimon is covering their eyes and glaring at you. You both laugh, making Paimon glare harder. Diluc actually cracks a smile. And Jean snaps out of her shock and laughs a little with you.

Your date the next day goes wonderfully, and neither of you can wait for the next one.

[rocorambles]

Inexperience

Pairing: Tsukishima x Reader 

Genre/Warnings: NSFW, Slight Angst, Fluff, Fingering

Summary: When insecurity about your lack of sexual experience threatens to tear you apart internally, Tsukishima is there to hold you together, to show you there’s nothing to be worried about, to prove that he loves you just for being you. 

Author’s Note: I just wanted an excuse to write about soft museum employee Tsukishima and just soft Tsukishima in general. 

Tsukishima had always been smart, cunning, intelligent, so it wasn’t really a surprise to anyone that he decided to work at the Sendai City Museum. It just fit him perfectly and it was easy to imagine the tall blonde pushing up his glasses as he calmly led tour groups around, clearly articulating and teaching visitors about the history of Sendai. And when his old Karasuno teammates visit him, they can’t help but notice how his quiet, reserved personality seems right at home in the peaceful halls of the institution, his character only breaking when he barks for Hinata to quiet down or not touch some of the artifacts. 

What is surprising is the way he almost seems flustered, stumbling over words, awkwardly unable to make eye contact as another museum employee greets him with a smile as she passes by and Daichi and Sugawara look at each other in interest, realization in their eyes as they watch their kouhai’s eyes trail after her retreating figure. 

In a small town like Miyagi where there isn’t much exciting news to keep them entertained, this is as close to reality TV as they can get, not to mention both of them are now incredibly invested and determined for the younger, seemingly impassive man to finally get his fill of romance. So needless to say, they make a trip to the Sendai City Museum a regular occurrence and although Tsukishima looks at them with suspicion, his respect for his senpais keeps his mouth still and he just politely walks them through the museum, spends his lunch breaks with them, and meets them for drinks after work once in a while. 

It’s actually kind of nice, he supposes. He’s always liked and respected the two older men, although both men terrified him in their own ways: Daichi with his stern and fear inducing temper, Suga with his perception that rivals Tsukishima’s own intellect and his mischievous streak that sometimes meant trouble for anyone who peaked his interest. But without the restraints of them being his captain and vice-captain, without the natural inherent age hierarchy that comes from being in school, he finds himself opening up more and truly enjoying the company of the two men, even if there is always a nagging question in the back of his mind wondering what exactly has them hanging around him so often these days. 

The answer comes like a swift punch in the gut one day as the three of them walk around the museum and happen to cross your path and before Tsukishima can quickly and nervously greet and part ways with you as usual, Suga is there pressed close to his side, eyes glinting as he stares at you, pouting at Tsukishima to introduce his friend to Daichi and him. And before Tsukishima can even take back control and catch up with what’s happening, he’s being forcefully dragged by Daichi as Suga easily chats away with you, leading the way for all four of you to eat at a local restaurant. And he gulps as Daichi slaps him hard on the back with a wide toothy grin plastered on his face as he pulls the tense blonde aside for a moment. 

“Chin up! You’re never going to get that girl’s attention if you just sit around like a moping beanpole.”

Daichi smirks as Tsukishima’s jaw drops and he briefly basks in catching the usually nonchalant man off guard, chuckling when the blonde doesn’t even try to deny Daichi’s words, and he nudges him into the restaurant, joining Suga and you who are already seated. 

Lunch is...pleasant and although Tsukishima feels like a deer in headlights at the beginning of the meal as he tries to talk to you like a normal human being and not some love stricken child, with the help of his more extroverted and sociable senpais conversation flows smoothly and he can feel his shoulders relax, his mind focus and hone in on your words, falling more and more in love the more you talk, the more you smile and laugh. And Suga and Daichi subtly wink at each other when the atmosphere changes and suddenly they’re background characters watching the two of you flirt, barely acknowledged as the two of you stare in each other’s eyes, fully focused on one another. 

Needless to say, there are many more lunch breaks spent together, these times just the two of you and you can’t help but be in awe as your handsome quiet coworker begins to come out of his shell bit by bit, practically howling in laughter after the initial shock when he instinctively shoots a snarky comment your way for the first time when you clumsily spill coffee all over yourself one morning. But you’re not laughing when he takes off his blazer and wraps it around your shoulders and the both of you shyly look away as you snake your arms through the sleeves and button it up, effectively covering your jarring stain and when he walks away to begin his tours for the day, you bury your face into the oversized fabric, hiding your gleeful smile as your heart thunders inside of your chest. 

It doesn’t take long before the two of you officially begin dating and you spend some of the happiest months of both your lives together as you walk hand in hand through other museums, nerding out over history, as you attend his volleyball games, loudly cheering whenever he successfully blocks a spike and no matter how big the crowd is, he never fails to search for and find you among the masses, standing a little straighter, the hint of a smile tugging at his lips when he meets your gaze. 

And yet, there’s hesitation on your part when he walks you home like a gentleman, making sure you’re safely inside your apartment, the front door firmly locked behind you. You love the feeling of his large calloused hands entwined with yours. You love the way his lips feel against yours as he gives you a sweet kiss before he parts ways. But when the two of you stand there in front of your doorway, hand in hand, eyes lovingly locked on each other, you can’t bring yourself to take the next step and invite him in, your insecurities and inexperience clamming your mouth shut. And although he never pressures you, never even remotely hints at being frustrated or impatient about the lack of sexual intimacy between the two of you, your own doubts and anxieties create imaginary monsters in your head, only fueling your insecurity about never having been with a man before and you feel more and more distraught the longer the two of you date, wondering if he’d break up with you any minute, choose any of his pretty fans or the pining women who join his tour guides regularly over you, experienced and confident women who wouldn’t hesitate to tumble into bed with him. 

Maybe that’s why, even though you’re not ready, even though you’re trembling with nerves, you shakily hold his hand and lead him inside your home after one of your dates, trying to force a smile on your face as you clumsily remove your clothes in front of him, hoping you look enticing despite the sick feeling in your stomach. But you’re a fool to think Tsukishima wouldn’t see right through you, to think his sharp eyes wouldn’t notice the nervous gulp you take, the way your smile doesn’t reach your eyes, and he’s quick to stop you, gently holding your hands in his and leading you to your couch where he drapes a blanket over you, trying to be respectful as he looks away from your bare form. 

But when he stops you, covers you, looks away, all you feel is rejection and hot tears begin to prick at the corner of your eyes and Tsukishima has never felt more panicked than he does when he hears the first of your sniffles as you try to wipe your tears away, clumsily reaching to drag you and hold you in his arms, tucking your head in his chest as he pleads with you to tell him what’s wrong. And he feels unsure and lost, useless as his actions only seem to make you sob harder, but before he can pull away thinking he’s somehow causing you even more pain, he stills as you throw your arms around his neck before he can completely separate from you. 

Hesitantly he carefully wraps his own wiry arms around you again and he waits, waits until your body stops shaking, waits until sobs turn into sniffles which turn into silence, waits until you lift up your head enough for you to speak. And then he listens, listens as you shyly tell him that you’ve never done anything beyond kissing before, fury beginning to coil inside of him when you timidly tell him about exes who had dumped you for being a “prude”, pain gnawing at him when you tell him how scared you were of losing him for the same reason. 

You’re silent once you finish speaking, feeling lighter, but more vulnerable as you anxiously wait for a response, fidgeting the longer and larger the silence becomes. But you gasp when large hands are pressed on either side of your face, gently turning you until you’re forced to stare into your boyfriend’s eyes and you think you might start crying again at the pure love in his eyes, the way he makes you feel so secure, so cared for with just a single look. And now it’s your turn to listen as he gruffly tells you how stupid you were for ever thinking he’d ever leave you for something like that, how he’s not some scumbag who only wants you for your body, and despite the biting edge to his voice and the harsh wording, you hear and feel just how genuine his love for you is and suddenly you feel silly for ever doubting him, ever doubting his love for you. 

The rest of the night continues peacefully once tears have been wiped away, once everything that’s needed to be said is out in the open and your blanket covered body is firmly snuggled in Tsukishima’s lap and you rest your head against his chest as he holds you, both of you watching a random show flickering on the TV screen. But you look up questioningly when Tsukishima begins to shift around uncomfortably, asking him if he wants you to sit beside him instead of on his lap, wondering if your body weight was getting to be too much after such a prolonged time, but your face heats when his hands reach down to cover the growing tent in his pants and he embarrassedly asks if you want to put your clothes back on and just give him a minute to settle back down. 

You hesitate. Maybe it’s the staggering revelation that Tsukishima truly loves you for just being you. Maybe it’s the surge of confidence you feel knowing he could care less if you don’t want to go beyond kissing and holding hands anytime in the near future, only caring that he gets to be with you. 

You’re not ready to go all the way, but…

You almost laugh at how Tsukishima startles and frantically tells you that he doesn’t want you to do anything you’re uncomfortable with, stammering and almost hyperventilating as you let the blanket slip off of you, revealing all of you to your boyfriend, so different from the usually cool and composed facade he has. And you gently, but determinedly grab his hands and tug them away from the eyes they’re covering, nervously biting your lower lip as he stares in awe at you, eyes fixated as they trail every inch of you, looking at you like you’re a work of art. 

“I’m not ready to go all the way, but I want to- can we-” 

You’re not sure what to say, how to explain it, lost for words as you enter a realm you’ve never experienced before, but Tsukishima is there to lead you, guide you and you happily sigh as he captures your lips in a tender kiss.

“We can do whatever you want. Just tell me when you want to stop. Tell me when you don’t like something, even if you’re just a little unsure, okay?” 

You eagerly nod, wrapping your arms once again around the back of Tsukishima’s neck and wrapping your legs around his waist as he carries you to your bedroom, carefully laying you on your back and your heart races in your chest as you stare at him looming over you, breathily gasping as he peppers a trail of butterfly kisses from your lips down the side of your neck and you clutch his shoulders at the feeling of his lips on such a sensitive part of you. But you’re quickly distracted as his hands begin to massage your breasts, fingers almost teasingly brushing against your hardening nipples and Tsukishima can’t take his eyes away from you, lust pooling in his groin at how sensitive you are as you drown in pleasured sensations you’re feeling for the first time. 

He wants to hear every pretty sound you make, wants to see every reaction he can coax out of you, and he stares transfixed at how blissed out you look just from a few kisses, just from his mouth and fingers sucking and playing with your nipples. He wants more, more, more and his long fingers begin to trail down your body, fingertips dragging down your sides, reveling in the way you shiver from the simple touch. But he pauses as his hands reach your thighs, thumbs rubbing comforting circles on your inner thighs, breath catching in his throat at how wet you are, juices dripping and glistening already. 

There’s nothing more he wants than to dive right in, experience first hand how you taste, how you feel, but he carefully studies you, takes in your heaving chest, your glazed eyes. 

“Are you okay? Do you want me to stop?” 

He continues tracing gentle patterns and shapes on your skin, letting you take your time to find words through the haze of arousal you feel, but his grip unconsciously tightens when you needily tell him you want more in a high pitched whine, desire lancing through him from how desperate you sound. And he slowly runs his fingers up and down your slick slit until they’re coated in your sticky fluids, until you’re rolling and grinding your hips in a silent plea for more. Only then does he slide one finger inside, chest tightening from the way your back arches as he hooks his finger, dragging against your soft walls as he takes his time slipping in and out of you. 

A part of him wants to be a little cruel, see how much of a mess he can make of you if he painstakingly slows down his pace even more, letting you feel just enough pleasure to writhe around, but never enough to reach your peak. A part of him wants to stay like this forever, see how much more lewdly you can beg verbally and physically. But you look so confused, so helpless, so wrecked as unknown pleasure courses through you and he decides to show you mercy for now, decides to show you that you have nothing to fear as he adds another finger, his two fingers stretching you even more, scissoring inside of you, and he smiles at how your mouth gapes open, tongue lolling out as your tight hole is filled for the first time. 

His cock twitches at the sight and his free hand slips underneath his boxers to soothe his aching length, but he freezes when you wantonly beg to see it and he grits his teeth to stop himself from coming right there and then from just those words and the hungry look in your eyes as he shoves his boxers down, his cock springing against his stomach, hard and leaking, spurting more pre-cum as you unconsciously lick your lips at the sight and he imagines how good your mouth would feel around him.

But that’s for another day and he turns his attention back to the task at hand, his free hand wrapping around his shaft as he adds a third finger to the mess between your legs, your arousal making it all too easy to slide right in. And he can’t help but furiously stroke his cock as his fingers increase their pace, lewd wet slick sounds filling the room mixing with your rising moans. Your thighs begin to clench and shake, your pussy tightens around his fingers, and he can almost taste just how close you are to falling apart, to coming undone. And all it takes is his thumb reaching up to rub your clit, his fingers rapidly pistoning in and out of your gushing hole before you’re screaming, body convulsing and eyes rolling back as he continues his frantic pace, not letting up as he forces you to continue your ride until every ounce of pleasure is stripped from you, until you’re just twitching here and there as the last embers of your orgasm finally fade away. 

And only when you let out a mewl of discomfort does he stop, fingers still lodged deep inside of you as his fist pumps his cock, mouth going dry at how beautiful you look exhausted, wrecked, a silly dazed look on your face and he groans as he spills all over his hand, smiling wickedly when he notices how your eyes are now alert and intently staring at him, your attention solely focused on him. 

He makes a show of slowly pulling his fingers out of you, spreading them apart to show you how coated they are with you before slipping them between his lips, never breaking eye contact with you as he licks and sucks every last drop, something primal raging inside of him at how encaptured you are by the scene playing out in front of you despite the innocence and slight shyness he still sees flickering in your eyes. 

But there would be time in the future for more and he shoves his base desires down, grimacing slightly as he haphazardly wipes the mess on his hands and cock with his boxers before moving until he’s laying right beside you, wrapping an arm around your waist and pressing his face against your cheek, letting you ground yourself, nuzzle into his warmth, find comfort in his solid presence as the last tendrils of post-coital bliss finally fade away. 

He softly smiles, adoration in his eyes when you fully come back to him, a radiant albeit tired grin on your face as you affectionately kiss him before sinking into his hold with a big yawn, eyelids fluttering shut as you sleepily demand that he stay the night. And he lightly chuckles and rolls his eyes before turning the lights off, tucking you both underneath your bed sheets as he joins you in slumber, a twin pair of smiles on both your faces as you fall asleep entangled in each other’s arms. 

[aceofwhump]

Guys

The Weeping Monk.

The Weeping Monk has become my new obsession. I love him. I knew I would because seeing all the gifs of him in tumblr is why I watched in the first place I didn't not expect for him to capture my interest so much. It's not the strongest hyperfixation I've ever had but it is one nonetheless and I'm thrilled. Welcome the list of "Ace's Favorite Whumpees"!!

SPOILERS ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously I got ramble and let some spoilers loose so if you want to watch it still and don't want spoilers just keep scrolling

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So not only is Daniel Sharman fucking gorgeous but Daniel Sharman looking like this?

With the eyes and the hood and the darkness and the scruff. Oh hell yeah! He's like some omen of death with that cloak. I love it.

So why do I like the Weeping Monk so much?

Well first of all I LOVE A GOOD REDEMPTION STORY!!!!! Like so much! I blame Zuko for that. But if you give me a bad dude who's done some bad shit but also has one hell of a traumatic past then put him on a path of redemption and healing? I’M SOLD! And at the end of the season, The Weeping Monk has been set on his redemption beginnings and I will die if Netflix doesn't give us a season 2 so I can see this boy walk his new path towards redemption and healing. I crave it.

But anyway. This man right here. The emotional angst and whump he exudes is so lovely.

Towards the end of the season we find out that he's Fey and I fucking lost my shit. This boy is a Fey who was raised by the people who hate Fey. His people were killed and he was taken as a child by the same people who murdered them. He was then brainwashed to believe he was demon born and evil and a sinner purely for existing and was taught to punish himself for it (he whips himself in a form of self flagellation!) and I'm sure he was punished for all sorts of things growing up by his "Father". The amount of self hate and self doubt he must feel breaks my heart. He knows he's Fey! He remembers his real name (also that reveal sent me to another plane of existence) so he must have some memories of his family and his people. But he's spent his whole life being used as a weapon against his own people and brainwashed into thinking he was saving them because fey are inherently damned. And that's all he is to the Red Paladins. A weapon. But he sees them as his people, his family because that's all he knows!

This dude is so broken and brainwashed and lost it just breaks my heart.

LOOK AT HIM!! Look at this lost and broken boy!! He just needs some love and affection dammit!! I mean he flat out asks "Do you love me Father?" AHHH!!

And oh my god this conversation between him and Gawain?!

Allow me to share the whole conversation because I need to talk about it.

Gawain: Don’t be afraid Ash Man. I don’t bite. It’s those eyes. The mark of the Ash Fold. There haven’t been any in these lands for centuries. How did you find your way here? Have you just come to watch me die?

The Weeping Monk: Why didn’t you tell them? Before...you could have told them. But you didn’t. Why?

G: Because all Fey are brothers. Even the lost ones

WM: This suffering, it will cleanse you.

G: You parrot these words, but you know it’s all lies. I can feel it in you, my brother.

WM: You are not my brother.

G: They have turned your mind so far inside out...that you don’t know the difference between kindness...and hate. Who did this to you?

WM: We are saving souls. Your soul.

G: Tell that to the little ones that you burn.

WM: I don’t harm the children

G: You burn their homes, you slay their mothers and their fathers, and you watch your Red Brothers run them down on horses. And you see it all through those weeping eyes. That makes you guilty. Brother! You can fight. I’ve never seen anything like it. You could be our greatest warrior. Your people need you.

WM: You are not my people.

G: Then tell them. If this is where you belong, tell them what you are.

WM: I’ll pray for you.

G: And I you.

First of all this conversation is the reason I now ship these two. Just saying. Gawain saw that he was kin, that he was lost, that he was broken and reached out to try and help him even though he is the reason he is being tortured. I can’t with these two! But also, the WM felt guilty about turning him in and worried about his own fate but you can tell that Gawain’s words sink in and set something inside of him and it’s because of Gawain that WM is now on this path of his. AND Gawain! I fully expected him to hate this man after everything hes done but he saw a lost and broken fey brother and tried to help him and I just...Gawain is so good you guys! This whole exchange is just *chefs kiss*. Cause after this the WM saves Squirrel.

Which leads me to Squirrel and the Weeping Monk. The other reason I desperately need season 2 is because I can't wait to see this unexpected pairing. I mean come on, big bag tough guy with trauma becomes unexpectedly joined with a young child? Best trope ever. Plus he got his ass kicked pretty bad and I need season 2 start off with that so I can see Squirrel take care of this injured man. Anyway, these two are going to have a great adventure getting back to the Fey and I NEED TO SEE IT!!! I want to see Squirrel and Lancelot bond and Squirrel defend him against Fey who hate him and for Lancelot to reluctantly become attached and defensive of this Fey boy and AHHHHHH!!

Oh and side note: One of my favorite tropes occurred. Defeated in battle, manhandled to their knees and hood pulled off revealing their bruised and bloody face. God yes please.

Time for some headcanons:

Okay he's totally touch starved am I right? This boy hasn't known a kind touch in his whole life. Pain is all he's known. The Paladins only touch to punish him or wield him. And he thinks he deserves it. He deserves the pain. The punishment. But kindness? A soft touch? Someone tending his injuries gently? He doesnt know what to do it that. He ends up stiffening or flinching away from the blinds hands of the fey, confused at first but slowly he starts to crave that kind touch.

Squirrel is always hugging him. Like whenever he sees him. And WM doesnt know what the fuck to do with that. You think he ever for hugged? I DOUBT IT! So hes all stiff and awkward and kind of bears it but after a while he starts hugging back kind of awkwardly.

Oh and speaking of tending his injuries I can almost guarantee that he has either had to tend to his own injuries in the past or he didn't do anything for them at all. But he's in a Fey camp now and the Fey help each other so when he and squirrel first show up at the camp and a he's taken to a healer and at first he balks and is like "I'm fine" but people like Pym and Squirrel and Gawain (YES GAWAIN! I have thoughts hang on) are like clearly you're not so just sit down before fall down again and let Pym heal you! AND then we get a scene of them all seeing the scars and fresh lashes and being horrified

Okay Gawain. He's not dead and he and Lancelot become best bros (or lovers cause I kind of ship them so much. Forget Nimulot. It's Gawain and Lancelot all the way) and Gawain protects him from the Fey who want to kill him after Squirrel and Lancelot arrive at the makeshift Fey camp and he's taken prisoner. Gawain watches him and see his humanity and goodness and self hate and trauma and Lancelot has someone who sees him as a "brother" as someone lost but not irredeemable and they fall in love okay bye

His powers as one of the Ash Folk. We know he can track. But from what we saw what if he's also got some camouflage or healing abilities hes never explored. NEVER EXPLORED BECAUSE HE THOUGHT IT A MANIFESTATION OF HIS INNER DEMON!!!

Also, I saw these two onset pics and now I'm ready for this to be s2 WM and Squirrel.

Okay rant over. Sorry. Bye now ✌

[wedreamedlove]

Xu Mo vs. Mo Yi [Character Study]

I can never get over the aesthetic of these two pictures placed side by side LOL. But, anyway, the point of this post is to nip any undue comparisons in the bud and claims of copying organize my thoughts and compare these two characters to highlight their similarities, differences, and further explore each character through these contrasts.

Q) If you like Xu Mo, would you like Mo Yi?

Honestly, I think this depends on what you like most about Xu Mo. I already knew beforehand that I gravitate towards characters who think 5 steps ahead, are predominantly logical, and scholars/gentlemen, so it’s not surprising I bias both Xu Mo and Mo Yi.

However, as I got to know Mo Yi further (Themis is around 6 months old now), I find that he’s distinctively different from Xu Mo on three crucial points that’ll determine whether people from either camp will like the other character.

1) Stance on Others

In a post for Xu Mo, “Into Your World”, I argued that Xu Mo is an alienated genius who had troubles getting along with others, until he mastered the social game as an adult. However, you can still see glimpses of this as he tries to understand MC’s world and shares his own.

To be fair, Mo Yi’s past is still under wraps but I feel confident in saying that, while he was probably highly intelligent compared to his peers [SR Sculpted Heart], his isolation doesn’t seem to come from his innate nature but rather his social position (there’s heavy implications that he’s like some sort of noble or something) [SR Snowy Pine Fairytale].

IMO, these backgrounds really shaped the way these two men interact with the world.

Xu Mo has a detached and indifferent view towards other people. They simply exist and don’t bring anything positive or negative to him. His ambition to ensure the survival of humanity reflects this too because it’s pure utilitarianism; everyone (apart from MC) can be sacrificed equally for the greater good. If anything, he probably finds other people to be interesting subjects to study, no matter what kind of person they are. IIRC the only time he expressed dislike to people, or a group of people, was when he told Hades he enjoyed killing thieves LOL.

Meanwhile, Mo Yi has an elitist streak to the point where he and his MC actually clashed opinions and debated each other [SR Warm Fingertips]. It’s incredibly ironic because he’s a psychiatrist who treats his patients without judgment, but at the same time he looks down on so many things and people (PUAs, people who betray love, hypocrites who only seek power and fame) [Ch2; Personal Story Ch1-3; SSR Moonlit Ball].

One of the things I noticed early on is that Xu Mo draws from the Eastern scholar archetype, “Xu Mo Character Study”, while Mo Yi actually draws more from the Western gentleman archetype.

So, just to summarize this section, Xu Mo is detached from the world naturally and likes to observe people and try to blend in. Mo Yi deliberately draws a line between him and others and, at times, has the casual cruelty of someone born as nobility (arrogance is carved into his bones, even if he tends to keep it low-key because he generally has a “gentle and polite” attitude).

2) Stance on Love

Xu Mo didn’t understand love, or really even emotions. Love is grown between him and his MC (there’s multiple analogies throughout the game about how their love is like a seed). I think [Ch25] pretty much sums it up for Xu Mo, where he goes through that emotional rollercoaster and muses about how, at the end of human evolution, emotions should be discarded. He also admits that MC taught him the “fear” of a normal person, because now he has someone he cannot give up no matter what, which goes against his previous utilitarian beliefs.

Compared to this, Mo Yi fell in love at first sight. Yes, you read that right. The “scientist and logical” archetype fell in love at first sight LOL. Not only does he acknowledge it right off the bat, but he fully embraces it too and believes that real love makes people better versions of themselves [Personal Story]. Mo Yi is a through and through psychiatrist in that he never underestimates how primal emotions (and love) can be.

Heck, not only is this central to his personal story, but we also have hints that one of Mo Yi’s parents fell in love at first sight with the other person (and he inherited their predisposition for that). Unfortunately, their love had a tragic end and Mo Yi seems to have a huge grudge against his father for whatever happened to his mother (again, Mihoyo is keeping this a mystery LOL), but Mo Yi explicitly confirms that even if his love leads to a tragic end he will still walk down this road and attempt to change it [SR Cool Summer].

IMO one other difference between them re: love is this exchange that lives rent free in my head which I saw in a Xu Mo/Reader/Mo Yi fanfiction LOL. Bear with me here.

Mo Yi: Wearing a mask for a long time will tire you.

Xu Mo: It’s enough just to wear one in front of the necessary person.

Xu Mo and his MC make great efforts to understand each other’s worlds, but this understanding comes from the doors he chooses to open to her. He reveals himself as much as possible, but I think he’s an inherently private person (and there’s all that Ares stuff) so there are times where he hides things so that he doesn’t worry his MC. I think this is enough to count as a “mask”. Sometimes he pretends he’s okay when he’s not.

On the other hand, while I think Mo Yi shares the sentiment in not wanting his MC to worry unduly, he tries to reveal himself as much as possible. There’s an amazingly relatable conflict in him here where he wants her to know every side of him, but he’s also terrified of how she’ll react if he shows her his ugliest sides and imperfect sides (he has some sort of phobia or fear about imperfection, but Mihoyo has been keeping mum on the exact details of this so far) [Personal Story; SR Sculpted Heart].

It’s pretty ironic that Mo Yi wants to be perfect, but he realizes that the more perfect he is the more of a sense of distance there’ll be between him and his MC because of the subconscious pressure someone “perfect” brings LOL [SSR Border of Light and Darkness].

3) Stance on Growth

If you haven’t realized that one of Xu Mo’s greatest themes is the phrase “Take your time in growing”, then what have you been reading? Jkjk, but seriously this gets repeated in multiple places, although my brain always goes back to [Blossom Date] for this.

Even if he and his MC start off with fundamental differences (she believes all people have inherent worth and can’t be involuntarily sacrificed), he wants to personally watch the journey of her maturation. He also subtly guides and teaches her. Unfortunately, due to circumstances of the main story, he doesn’t get his wish and she grows up a lot out of his eyes, but their relationship still revolves around him wanting her to have as much time as possible to grow.

He’s, for a lack of better word, extremely gentle about this (setting aside as much of the Ares and story parts as we can, because LovePro’s story is tragedy on tragedy LOL). I think [Autumn Blaze Date] shows a good analogy for this, because he holds the bicycle steady for MC until she can get going on her own, and he also catches her the first time.

Meanwhile, Mo Yi... ha ha ha. I just came out of chapter 3 for his [Personal Story] and let’s just say his philosophy is tough love. It’s ironic because, in many of his other dates, he wrestles with an internal conflict to protect his MC but also to let her experience all sorts of things to both test and temper her.

This is going to touch on the previous topic about love for a moment, but a part of Mo Yi’s love at first sight experience is also “testing” the other person through all sorts of situations and, after seeing all their different sides, he can determine whether his love at first sight is one that’ll last for the rest of his life or if it’s just a fleeting moment of beauty and emotion.

He also extremely respects his MC’s sense of justice and pursuit of the truth in the world, no matter what she encounters, and I wouldn’t be surprised if this is what drew him to her in the first place. But MC’s occupation and beliefs will make her confront a lot of dark and dangerous things and so, whenever possible, Mo Yi lets her confront these in “controlled” situations to train her. If I had to make an analogy, IMO, he’d let his MC ride the bicycle and pick her up only after she falls, or when she’s like 0.1cm away from the ground LOL.

Mo Yi is (perhaps rightfully) called out on this by another character, who believes Mo Yi is too arrogant in believing everything is under his control and he can prevent MC from getting hurt whenever he lets her get into dangerous situations, and I’m interested to see if Mihoyo will let him experience failures with his philosophy so he can grow more, like the things Xu Mo went through re: his personal beliefs [Ch24].

Overall

I don’t know how well I explained myself, especially for people who don’t know anything about Mo Yi, and each section goes back and forth between the two characters LOL so here’s another section that attempts to describe their overall atmosphere.

If, like I said in my Headcanon Notes, Xu Mo makes me immediately think of all the words for soft, gentle, light, still, water, etc etc., then the words I constantly think about for Mo Yi is messily human. He’s like a bundle of contradictions, but coherent because it’s being intentionally done.

Mo Yi doesn’t discriminate against his patients, yet he can be elitist and looks down on others. He wants to let MC have dangerous experiences, but also wants to protect her. He wants to be perfect, but he also wants to reveal himself entirely to his MC because that’s real love.

In contrast, Xu Mo has a very clean and orderly personality LOL. You can draw clear cause and effect lines from his personality to his actions.

So, anyway, these are two interesting characters who start off with similar archetypes as scientific logical men of scholar/gentleman dispositions, but yet they’re also on opposite ends for a lot of things such as their approach to emotions and the world.

Oh wait, lastly, because I don’t have a good place to put this—but I think it’s funny—is that both characters are pretty possessive and greedy, but while Xu Mo does things in a sneaky, cunning and fox-like way Mo Yi gets ridiculously open about his jealousy and it’s hilariously cute but also almost childish? I often forget Mo Yi is older than Xu Mo by a year, because Xu Mo honestly feels a bit more mature than him LOL. If we count them actually aging by when their game came out though, then Mo Yi is 28 and Xu Mo is 29 now.

[my-bated-breath]

Do you think Aang and Katara would still end up together if Katara killed her mother’s killer? How would that affect their relationship?

Hey anon! Sorry it took me a while to answer your question, but the truth is that there is no clear trajectory regarding Kata/ang in this situation, especially when we take into account that Kata/ang in the show canon was abrupt and significantly underdeveloped. More specifically on Kata/ang, both Katara and Aang’s arcs were twisted to accommodate for their endgame romance, but while Katara’s arc reaches its culmination by the end of the Final Agni Kai, Aang’s character had become inconsistent in its direction throughout all of season 3.

As such, two conflicting outcomes can result from this hypothetical scenario — one outcome which upholds Aang’s flaws and stagnated growth, or another outcome which forces Aang into growing, accepting, and understanding, as was the original intent behind his character.

From a broader context, Aang’s entire journey since he woke up in the iceberg has been about him reconciling his airbender and Avatar identity, and by the end of season 2 when he is with the guru, Aang is on the cusp of fully accepting his Avatar responsibilities, of letting go of his selfish attachments (or in other words, his blinding biases).

Except Aang cannot let go as he hoped he would be able to. Because his attachment to Katara is selfish, but beyond that his attachment to Katara is a replacement for his attachment to the Air Nomads — and it draws him away from his duties as the Avatar, causing him to embrace an ideal he does not comprehend. After all, the Air Nomads were not perfectly pacifistic either.

Still, just as Aang refuses to recognize the complexity in the Air Nomads’ legacies, dismissing what he may deem as an act of violence, Aang refuses to recognize the complexity to Katara’s rage and compassion, to her violent and protective nature. In my meta “On Ideals and Idealization,” I elaborate on Aang’s idealization of Katara:

Aang loves Katara, yes, but he is in love with an idealized version of her. In his mind, he holds close the idea of a gentle Katara, a smiling Katara, a compassionate and all-loving Katara. Even though he has seen her darkest moments when she bloodbends Hama - arms bent in disjointed angles, fingers curled as if manipulating puppet strings -  it does not tarnish his image of her because, at this moment, she is not the persecutor, but the persecuted.

After her experience with Hama, Aang is there to comfort her and help her come to terms with the terrifying power she now possesses. With her face streaked with tears and eyes widened with horror, it is clear that this is a power that Katara does not want, that it has been thrust onto her against her own will.

The conclusion that Aang draws from this is that Katara’s inner darkness is a separate entity from her inner light, and he perceives this acquired part of her as a blemish on her inherent goodness. As such, in “the Southern Raiders,” when he witnesses how Katara’s anger and grief drive her to hunt down her mother’s killer, he equates Katara seeking closure to Katara succumbing to darkness, tainting her purity and compassion in the process.

Thus, given Aang’s reaction to Katara’s bloodbending, he may be inclined to love her in a piteous, nearly-obligatory manner. He’ll love her as the victim who lost sight and control and he’ll love her as a being of compassion and pacificity, but nothing more. Just like in the Southern Raiders, he may magnanimously grant Katara his forgiveness and his continued love even when she never asked for it. And in the end, Aang and Katara will kiss on the balcony of Iroh’s tea shop, only this time it’s not only “the hero winning the girl,” but “the bright and cheerful boy fixing the broken girl” as well.

This is the ending where Aang clings onto idealization even when it renders him a hypocrite, in the same way he is a hypocrite for shouting at his friends for pushing him to kill Ozai when it is implied he killed thousands at sea in the Siege at the North Pole.

This is the ending where he does not grow.

Note: Aang retreating into a ball of earth as a narrative parallel to the beginning of the series when he was encased in a ball of ice would have been much more powerful if only Aang entered the Avatar State through character growth rather than by the power of the Pointy Rock of Destiny (TM).

Now, let’s consider an ending where Aang’s perspective broadens rather than narrows and where Aang unroots himself from the past, pulling free from stagnance. Let’s consider a hypothetical scenario in which Aang finds out Katara killed Yon Rha. How may he react?

He may not be able to at first, too torn between his belief that Katara only uses violence as a last resort and the reality that Katara uses violence as a means of agency as well. Revenge corrupts; it is a stain that cannot be washed away. There is no reconciling Katara’s previous compassionate and loving nature with this dark path she has now chosen.

Except this is Katara he’s talking about, Katara who he loves and gave up the Avatar State for. Surely there’s a way to save her, right? Yes, just as Aang told Katara before she left, forgiveness is the answer. And while Katara may not have chosen forgiveness in the end, Aang can guide her by example.

The next day, he approaches her with the offer to exempt her from her wrongdoings.

Katara, tired and mournful, looks down at Aang.

“What was so wrong about what I did?”

Inside she is hurting. There is truth to what Aang said, that revenge is poisonous both to the victim and the perpetrator, but it is not poisonous for the reasons he thinks it is. As George Orwell writes in his essay, “revenge is an act which you want to commit when you are powerless and because you are powerless: as soon as the sense of impotence is removed, the desire evaporates also” (Revenge is Sour). There’s no doubt that Yon Rha was despicable, and there’s only a little doubt in saying that his punishment should fit his crime — the only regret Katara may have here is that killing Yon Rha is a meaningless act, for she has already gained power over him in every meaning of the word. Revenge is only a gateway to senseless violence and hatred; it is not a slope from which there is no recovery, and given Katara’s emotional intelligence, she likely has or will recognize this. Although she may feel regret, she needs no one’s forgiveness.

Aang is shocked. “But violence is never the answer,” he stands by, he pleads by. His voice grows quieter. “You know that… you knew that, didn’t you?”

Katara answers him, but it’s all a blur. She says something about agency, protection, and justice. He remembers something about that too, about the fury that burned in her eyes when she declared, “I will never, ever, turn my back on the people who need me!” Then there was the hostility simmering in her glare towards Zuko, the way she muttered that she didn’t trust him, not when he could still hurt them — hurt Aang — again. 

Because Katara’s anger and compassion do not simply split themselves into two identities. Instead, they coexist and coalesce into one. They drive each other; they feed into each other; they are two sides of the same coin.

Excerpt from my meta Rage, Compassion, and the Bridge in Between

The beloved ideal of Katara — the one that he thought was on the verge of being tainted, the one that never existed — shatters. But just because it’s broken doesn’t mean Aang doesn’t want to fix it. So in the days leading up to Sozin’s Comet, he tries to pick up the fragments to the Katara-he-knew and piece them together again, all the while avoiding Katara’s mournful (yet resolved) stare. He ignores the way Zuko and Katara share glances with a heaviness as if they were the only two people in the world, full of some significance he cannot grasp. Still, it haunts him like the way Zuko’s touch lingers on Katara’s shoulder or Katara’s hand brushes Zuko’s briefly whenever they don’t think anyone’s looking, reflecting a togetherness escaping loneliness.

But there’s no answer that arrives quick enough to save Aang from his doubt and confusion. All too soon, Sozin’s Comet is upon them, and Aang wanders to another world on the lion turtle's back — but this time when he listens to the past Avatars’ advice, his perspective undergoes a paradigm shift.

They are right. The Air Nomads that he prioritized, that blinded him to his duties — they do not exist. Their love is still there, pure and human but not all-encompassing, tucked in the corner of his heart. And Katara was the same. She was and is not all-loving or all-compassionate or all-anything, really, because she is more human than that.

This time Katara’s image shatters again. But Aang does not follow the falling pieces to the ground, desperate to find them and force them together again. No, he sees past the remains and sees Katara for who she is. For who she wants to be. For who she can be (around someone else), when she’s not compelled to take on the caretaker role just for him.

(And he thought he was so generous, offering to forgive him. But it was never his forgiveness to give in the first place.)

Aang lets go of his last attachment.

The last airbender lives on, but so does the Avatar.

[aces-to-apples]

Your Reputation Precedes You

A response to “On Fandom Racism (and That Conlang People Are Talking About)” because lmao that cowardly bitch just hates getting feedback from people that she can’t then harass into oblivion

i.e. God I Wish I Could Use The Tag Fandom Wank Without The Titty Police Nerfing My Post

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To be frank, I'm not here because I think you or any of your little cronies are going to change your minds. If the 'name' wasn't a giveaway, your group of ~likeminded individuals~ have quite the reputation for espousing ableist, antisemitic, and, yes, racist views under wafer-thin the veneer of "calling out racism." I think we both know that what you're actually doing is using the relative anonymity of the internet and progressive language to abuse, harass, and bully fans that you personally disagree with. You and your group are toxic, hateful, and utterly pathetic, using many peoples' genuine desire to avoid accidentally causing harm and twisting it into this horrid parade of submissiveness to You, The One And Only Arbiter Of Truth And Justice In Fandom. Never mind that you have derided autistic people as lacking compassion and empathy, that you've used racist colonizer dogwhistles to describe a fictional culture based heavily on real live Maori culture, that you've mocked the idea of characters having PTSD, or that vital mental health services are anything more than "talking about your feelings with friends uwu." Let's just ignore that you have ridiculed the idea of adults in positions of power exerting that power over children in harmful and abusive ways, that creating transformative fan-content that doesn't adhere to the spirit of canon or wishes of the original author garners derision and hatefulness from you, and that you've used classic abuser tactics in order to gaslight people in your orbit into behaving more submissively towards you in order to avoid more verbal abuse.

Let's toss all of that crucial context aside in favor of only what you've written here.

What you've written here is nearly 3,000 entire words based on, at best—though, admittedly, based on your previous behavior, I am actually not willing to extend to you an iota of good faith—fallacious reasoning. You posit that a constructed language, to be used by a fictional religious group located in an entirely different galaxy than our own, is othering, racist in general, and anti-Asian specifically. This appears based in several suppositions, the first being that a language unknown by the reader will, by nature, cause the reader to feel alienated from the characters and therefore less sympathetic, empathetic, and caring towards the characters. That idea is patently ridiculous and, I believe, says far more about your ability to connect to a character speaking an unfamiliar language than any kind of overarching truth about media and the human condition. New things are interesting; new things are fun; the human brain is wired from birth to be fascinated with new things, to want to take them apart, find out how they work, and enjoy both the process and the results.

The second supposition this fallacy is based upon appears to be that to move away from the blatant Orientalism of Star Wars is inherently anti-Asian. While I find it... frankly, a little bit sad that you cling so viciously to the Orientalist, appropriative roots of Star Wars as some form of genuine representation, that's really none of my business. If you feel that a Muslim-coded character bombing a temple and becoming a terrorist and a Sith, a white woman wearing Mongolian wedding garb, a species of decadent slug-like gangsters smoking out of hookahs and keeping attractive young women chained at their feet (as it were), a species of greedy money-grubbers with exaggerated features and offensively stereotypical "Asian" accents, and an indigenous people wearing modesty garb based on the Bedu people and treated by most characters as well as the narrative as mindless animals deserving of murder and genocide are appropriate representation of the many, varied, and beautiful cultures around the world upon which they were "based," then that is very much your business. Until you pull shit like this. Until you accuse other fans, who wish to move away from such offensive coding and stereotypes, of erasing Asian culture from Star Wars. Then it becomes everyone's business, especially when you are targeting a loving and enthusiastic group of fans who are pouring their hearts and souls into creating an inventive and non-appropriative alternative to canon.

Which leads into the third supposition, that a patently racist, misogynistic white man in the 1970s, and then again in the 1990s, intended his universe to be an accurate and respectful portrayal of the various cultures he stole from. I understand that for your group of toxic bullies, the term "Death of the Author" holds no real meaning, but the simple fact of the matter is that George Lucas based his white-centered space adventure on Samurai movies while removing the cultural context that gave them any meaning, because he liked the idea of swords and noble warriors in space. He based the Force and the Jedi Order on belief systems such as Taoism and Buddhism, but only on the surface, without putting any real effort into into portraying them earnestly or accurately. He consistently disrespected both characters of color and characters coded to be a certain race, ethnicity, culture, or religion, and likewise disrespected and stole from the cultures upon which he based them. He was, and continues to be, a racist white man who wrote a racist story. His universe has Orientalism baked into its every facet, and the idea that fans who wish to move away from this and interrogate and transform the text into something better than what it is are racist is not only laughable, but incredibly disingenuous and insidious.

As I said, I am not writing this to change your mind, because I truly believe that you already know that "cOnLaNgS aRe RaCiSt" is a ridiculous statement. The way you've comported yourself in fandom spaces thus far has shown to me that you are nothing more than a bully who knows that the anti-racist movement in fandom can be co-opted for your benefit. If you tout your Asian heritage and use the right language, make the "right" accusations and take advantage of white guilt and white ignorance, you can have dozens of people falling at your feet, begging for forgiveness, for absolution. And I think that gives you a thrill. So, no, none of this will change your mind because none of this is genuinely about racism—it's about power, it's about control, it's about fandom being the only space where you have some.

So I'm writing this for the creators of this wonderful conlang, which has been crafted by multiple people including people of color, who don't deserve this nonsensical vitriol, and for the fans reading this manipulative hate-fest, wondering if they really are Evil Racists because they don't participate in fandom the way you think they should.

Here it is: fandom has a lot of racism, antisemitism, misogyny, queerphobia, ableism, etc. baked into it. Unfortunately, such is the nature of living and growing up in societies and cultures that have the same. The important thing is to independently educate yourself on those issues and think critically about them—not "think critically" as in "to criticize" them, but to analyze, evaluate, pick apart, examine, and reconstruct them again in order to come to a well thought-out conclusion. Read this well-articulated attack on a group of fans who have always welcomed feedback and participation, are open about their backgrounds, their strengths and weaknesses, and wonder who is actually being genuine.

Is it the open and enthusiastic group who ask for the participation of others in this labor of love? Or is it the ringleader of a group of well-known bullies who have manipulated, gaslit, and then subsequently love-bomb people who did not simply roll over at the slightest hint of dominance? The ones who spent hours upon hours tearing apart, mocking, deriding, and falsely accusing authors of fanworks and metatextual works of various bigotries and -isms, knowing that those evaluations were spurious and meant only to cause harm, not genuine examinations of the works themselves or even presumed authorial intent. The ones who made their own, quote-unquote, community so negative and toxic that even after the departure of a large portion of them, including this author in particular, that community still has a reputation for being hateful, toxic, and full of mean-spirited harassers who will never look critically about their own behavior but only ever point fingers at others. The ones who are so very determined to cause misery wherever they go that as soon as their usual victims are no longer immediately available, they will turn on each other at the slightest hint of weakness.

This entire piece of (fan)work is misinformed at the most generous, disingenuous at the most objective, and downright spiteful when we get right into it. The creators of Dai Bendu, along with various other works, series, and fan events that these people personally dislike, have been targeted because it is so much easier to harass, bully, and use progressive language as a weapon against them, than it is to put any effort into making fandom spaces more informed, more positive, more respectful.

As someone rather eloquently put it, community is not a fucking spectator sport. You want a better community, you gotta work at it. And conversely, what you put into your community is what you'll get out of it. This author and their friends have put a lot of hate into their communities, and now they're toxic cesspools that people stay well away from, for fear of contracting some terrible form of harassment poisoning.

Congrats, Ri, you've gotten just what you wanted: adoring crowds listening to you spout your absolutely heinous personal views purely to live out some kind of power fantasy, and the rest of us staying well away, because fuck knows nothing kind, helpful, or in good faith has ever come from Virdant or her echo-chamber of petty, spiteful assholes.

No love, bad night.

P.S. Everyone actually in the Dai Bendu server knows your ass got kicked because you didn’t say shit for a full thirty days and ignored the announcement that inactive members would be culled. You ain’t cute pretending like it’s because you were ~*~Silenced~*~ after ~*~Valiantly~*~ attempting to call out racism. We see you.