#cause he knows something BAD is going to happen soon to Danny and he can't interfere like last time

[bluerosefox]

Cuckoo Clocks

Red Robin (Kinda) AU where everything during that timeline happens and Tim finally has his proof Bruce is still alive and he's ready to tell the JL and stop Ra's (whose on his way to Gotham to destroy all of things/people Bruce loves to get back at Tim for the whole blowing up his bases thing) all at once...

Only he suddenly finds a glowing green sticky note on his forehead. He is no doubt confused and jumpy from everything so far so he's tempted to forget about it and just move on but Tim has always been curious so he reads it.

"Finding the Lost in the stream will not be easy to fish out even with help gained. Find me first and I might lend you the correct lure.

Finish your battle with the False Immortal and find Phantom, he shall lead you to me and should you be right on time, I might be inclined to help.

-CW"

And Tim... well, he's done a hell of a lot of questionable things so far at this point, why not take a chance on this too.

[reindeerswillsavethisworld]

Corpse au case fic where the trio decided to try cracking a murder mystery, except instead of angst it's a comedy of errors where they make everything worse.

Like. Danny comes out of a portal dead and translucent and glowing, and there's charred remains of a human body on the floor. So now all three of them are freaking out, and instead of asking for help, or finding an adult, or telling literally ANYONE, they decide to just. Get rid of the body. As one does.

So that's what they do: they break out Tucker's nice shovels (because god forbid Sam's family owned something as pheasant as a shovel, and Danny's too afraid of touching their family's Patented Fenton ShovelsTM for... reasons), they find a nice desolate clearing in the woods, and then they bury Danny's body like one would a very unfortunate hamster who met their demise too soon under very suspicious circumstances. They even stay at the new "grave" in silence for a minute or five in respect and DEFINITELY nothing else, you know. And so, they bury the body, and then they (try to) forget the experience as some horrific nightmare.

And then, a year later, there's an uproar: the Amity Park's police department found the child's remains in the woods! And you see, Amity Park is not THAT big of a town, and the police estimated that the body belonged to a 14-15 year old child, and, look, there's only so many schools in a small town, alright. Obviously, the rumours start very soon in Casper High: about how the kid could've gone to their school, about how they could've died, about whether or not anybody was missing them, about their identity, and some definitely-truthworthy-would-I-lie-to-you-bro-come-on sources insist that the kid was murdered around a year ago, around the time ghosts started showing up. And these rumours obviously reach the ears of Sam, Danny and Tucker.

Now, you would've thought that their first thought would be something like "oh no, they found Danny's body", or "oh no, they know", or even simply "we're sooo fucked". Except. You see, the night they buried the body? It was really cloudy. And dark. And, y'know, it's very easy to get lost in a forest. And they were too high-strung, you see, they completely forgot to leave some sort of a marker or anything. And also like, it was so long ago, you know? A lot have happened, they were sooo busy and the likes, you can't really blame them for forgetting some things.

And here's lies the problem: all three of them just fucking forgot that there was a body left to bury at all.

And then it gets out that the police can't even conduct any sort of DNA test because it became corrupted to the point of being absolutely unrecognisable due to exposure to a large amount of ecto-energy.

It's now looks like a bad set up for a joke: an identifiable body of a child, cause of death unknown; the probable involvement of ghosts or at the very least a very large quantity of ecto-energy; a probable murderer on the loose, which naturally breeds suspicion and speculation; a town full of all kinds of rumours; and a trio of absolute dumbasses, who after hearing that ghosts were involved immediately went to stick their noses where they don't belong.

Rejoice, Amity Park! Sam, Danny and Tucker are now on the case! Except they are all teenagers, and nobody in their right mind will allow teenagers to solve a murder case. Plus, them poking around would be highly suspicious, but Phantom, on the other hand?

(people seeing Phantom helping solve this case and coming to the conclusion that the ghosts were definitely involved was not on their bingo card, but oh well)

They don't go to the cops, obviously: Danny at least in part because he's worried they will call GIW on his ass or try to arrest him, and Sam and Tucker simply because fuck the cops (one because the police is involved in a militaristic, capitalistic corrupted system that breeds injustice and furthers the divide between average people and the wealthy, and the other because cops suck and will probably call GIW on his friend's ass). They also can't go to any other authorities: cops are out of the question, as is the mayor; laboratory personnel will most likely just throw them out; and there're no witnesses or known relatives, so they're stuck.

Therefore they decide that desperate times need desperate measures, and so they enlist all of their ghost allies on a quest, hoping to find the ghost of the kid. Considering the amount of ecto-energy they were subjected to, they MUST have formed a ghost, they only need to find them.

Except. The Ghost Zone is a big place, and they only have so many allies, even if some of them are a queen and a god. So Danny bites the bullet and does the most stupid (debatable) thing he has ever done: he goes to his enemies for help. They're surprisingly understanding and willing to help, even if some of their reasons are a little... strange (Skulker and Johnny entered some sort of competition on who finds the ghost first, Box Ghost starts to seek out coffins (??) and Youngblood is not above to start torturing people to finally have a friend that is not either an adult or a complete stick in the mud). And even then they still can't find the ghost.

In the end Danny goes to Clockwork in a desperate hope that he will be able to glimpse at least a little of what had transpired on the night of the murder, and to Danny's annoyance Clockwork laughs so hard he almost pops a ghost equivalent of a blood vessel.

A few weeks down the line Sam hesitantly brings up Danny's buried corpse ("MY WHAT" "Your corpse which we buried in the woods, Danny, don't you remember?" "Yeah, bro, I think you dissociated the whole time we were digging the hole and carrying your dead body" "WE DID WHAT-"), reasonably saying that, you know, they ALSO technically buried a body in the woods. On that Tucker just shrugs because obviously it was not Danny's body, the place of the burial was way off, he remembers that there was a really big stone to the left of the grave (he doesn't and there wasn't), so they are in the clear. During that exchange Danny's sitting on the floor and having a panic attack, because he really did dissociate the whole time and afterwards legitimately forgot that there was a body to bury at all.

After that conversation all three of them leave with a certainty that Danny's body is still there where they left it, whenever it was. And so the shenanigans continue.

[buddiebeginz]

Major couple LMAO

I'm 1000% still convinced that all of this is leading up to Rob coming back. They have to put some semblance of depth into this ship in order for the drama to pay off when Rob shows up. We have to believe that Aaron is invested somewhat in this relationship in order to believe he'll be conflicted when Rob comes back and they inevitably start an affair up again. Cause let's be real the minute the two of them are in the same village again they won't be able to stay away.

Having Aaron be the one who cheats this time would be an interesting spin on things too. Not that I'm a huge fan of cheating storylines but I know how soaps are. The thing is in the past Rob was always looked at as the cheater and the bad guy and Aaron always had a certain level of moral high ground over him even though he was never perfect himself. They almost went there when Aaron was dating the annoying doctor, he was at the very least committing some emotional infidelity. I can see them fully going there if Rob comes back and they'd have a perfect set up for it too.

I wouldn't be surprised actually if they go so far as to have Aaron get engaged or even get to the altar with John. Not that I want Aaron (or Rob) to get engaged or marry anyone else but imagine Rob showing up while Aaron is planning a wedding to someone else. That's textbook soap gold right there. Also Robron started when Rob was planning his wedding to Chrissie so it would be a big callback to have them get back together that way.

Have Rob come back and have them start having an affair while Aaron is planning on getting married to John. Rob tells Aaron to call off the wedding (like Aaron did to Rob). Aaron stills loves Rob but he's scared to make things more serious with them. He's scared of losing him again after he's already had to deal with so much loss. He's terrified to hope they could be happy again. So he goes along with the wedding even though his heart isn't in it just like Rob's heart wasn't in it when he married Chrissie. And obviously Aaron can never stay away from Rob so eventually John finds out about them. Or maybe Rob shows up on the day of the wedding and stops the wedding from even happening.

No matter what I'm convinced Rob is coming back. I don't think they would have connected this relationship so much to Rob and Robron if he wasn't. Like yeah they could just be trying to rip off Robron's greatest hits because they don't have any better ideas for their lackluster ship but I doubt that.

I know the writing on the show hasn't been good for a while but they also know how beloved Robron still is. If they wanted to have Aaron fall in love with someone new and have him totally move on from Rob they could do that. I also think they would stop mentioning Rob, Seb, and Robron. Soaps don't usually make it a point to bring up a character this often if they aren't coming back any time soon and he's been mentioned quite a bit.

I can't help but wonder if Ryan was supposed to come back before now and maybe there was scheduling issues or life stuff that got in the way. Cause remember Danny and Ryan met up a while back and it seemed like they were hinting on something happening and then nothing did. I still think that one of the big reasons Ryan left the show when he did (back in 2019) is because he wasn't getting great storylines at the time. It's like they had no idea what to do with Robron after they got married for the second time. I know some people are worried he's never going to come back but I think he loved working on the show and especially loved working with Danny. I think as long as they give him some good material and he has the time to do it he'll come back eventually.

[ellena-asg]

Episode 1x18. Danny goes to meet his bro and he takes Steve there.

But wait, they come there and who do they see? Rachel. And soon, my dears, what do we hear? The best Danny's reaction ever ♥️:

Oh, I would like him to ask that every damn time he saw her in the show (maybe then she would have come back to Jersey without Grace or at least that ooc "Danny slept with her a few episodes later" never would have happened).

But still, I love it 😂

What is next? Rachel's answer aka "Pff, you know Daniel... You know what? Pff!".

Danny is like "Seriously? Rach here? At the family gathering? What devil sent her here, ha?".

And soon devil speaks:

Family meal? You wanna have family meal with Danny AND Rachel? Matthew, DON'T. Matthew, just look at Gracie, her face will tell you that...

"Drama is coming!"

And generally it's...

"A Very Bad Idea, uncle. Besides, you should know that Danno..."

"has..."

"his beau".

Can we appreciate Gracie and Stevie making heart-eyes 😍😍 at each other?

Then we see Danny. Danny aka "Oh yeah, Monkey. Our Ninja Prince Charming. I know! I know!!! 😍"

And we see Steve aka "I don't know what's going on so I'll use my confusion to stare at Danno".

Alas, Steve can't stare as long as he wants cause soon Danny points at him and says to Matt "Matty, let me introduce you to my best friend, partner, boyfriend, love and sunshine of my life et cetera Steve McGarrett". Okay, it's not exactly what he said but we all know that he meant it.

So. Matt says hi and is like "Oops, so sorry, Danny! I had no idea. Of course I'm happy! And you know... You know... Bro. That Steve of yours has good eyes. Good hands. I bet he's all good, huh? You know bro, forget that I invited Rachel... Oh yeah, how can you see her when you're eye-fucking Steve now, right... Heh... Can we all sit down and... Boys, please?".

Rachel hates McDanno eye-fucking.

She generally hates McDanno. So when our boys are eye-fucking each other she is eye-killing them. 🧙‍♀️

Steve feels that something is wrong. There are some strange vibes in the air. It's weird to be here with Danny when Rachel... Fuck, he feels like he's voodoo doll now. It's time to say goodbye.

But then... "Noooo!!! Stay!!!".

"Please, stay. I wanna know you better, you're my brother's... You're Danny's. So... Sit and eat? Surf and turf?" - Matt's eyes seem to say.

"Stay!!! Don't leave me here with her. Stay, Steve, stay... I beg you: if you love me - STAY!" - Danny's eyes seem to scream.

So Steve stays.

And Danny is happy. "Very mmmmm happy".

*a few hours later, when the sky is dark*

McDanno is doing McDanno things. Matt tries to save the party "Hey, ahem, Steve, Steve... Did you know that when Danny was a kiddo...". And Rachel... Rachel tries to do what her mummy always says "Keep calm and be Hollander fucking Dame". She tries to laugh like everyone around. But when she looks at McDanno eye-fucking AGAIN instead of laughter there is a Very Nervous Giggle. "Oops, pardon!", she tries to laugh more sincerely but DAMN noooo. Fucking Danny and fucking Steve behave like two married lords in front of her and her salad.

"Oh, my beloved! Let's tell Matthew about our last case. Matthew, before I tell you the story you need to know that my husband dearest is absolutely the greatest of all Navy Seals and all Police Officers in this world! Oh, sweetheart, you're blushing so beautifully! But it's true, you're absolutely the best! My best! Matthew, brother... Have I already told you how much I love my handsome and kindest husband?".

They behave like fucking married...

Eye-killing. More eye-killing.

But suddenly Danny looks at Rachel.

So Rachel smiles. She tries to make heart-eyes, the same heart-eyes Steve always makes at Danny but...

But Danny isn't really looking at her.

He's looking at Grace who sits next to Rachel. At Grace - the lady of his life. The Queen is only one.

"Oh, now. He's looking at me NOW!", Rachel smiles again. But again - Danny's looking somewhere else...

"He's smiling at me!", Rachel thinks.

Bzzzz! Wrong! It's a fake smile and by the way, he's looking at FBI guys. He's doing his job now.

But before he talk to them...

He needs to talk to Steve. Or to stare at Steve's perfect lips. Or whatever.

Meanwhile Rachel probably tries to make bigger heart-eyes but oh well, no one can make such heart-eyes like Steve. No one can be like Steve.

"Fuck, they look like they're going to kiss", Rachel thinks.

"Fuck, I would like to kiss him", Danny thinks.

"Fuck, I wanna him to kiss me", Steve thinks.

Matthew is watching.

Grace is sleeping.

Huh, I can't believe she is sleeping while so much is happening there.

[dragonmasterhiccup]

She nodded. “Sounds like that would be a pretty long story.”

“He’s your cousin? Eugh.” She looked over at him. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t like him. You could probably hear his boasting from the other side of the island.”

She shrugged. “Hm, maybe… Y’know, that’s actually not a bad idea.” It really wasn’t; it would give her something new to do as well as get her used to talking to Berkian’s that weren’t Hiccup, Eret, and perhaps Valka.

The three of them sat in silence for a few moments with Danny looking out at the village in the distance. She thought about what Hiccup said earlier, about him seeing her as a sister. She took out the thought about potentially forgetting about Caito and the others, that just wouldn’t happen, you don’t just forget people like that. She also got her ‘why’, and it wasn’t some random thoughtless answer, she could tell it was genuine.

She breathed in deeply. She needed to move on, open herself up to letting new people in and take hold of all the new opportunities in front of her.

Leaning over, she bumped him with her shoulder, a small smile on her face. “You know…you do have those trademark ‘brother’ qualities: you’re annoying, rude, weird, nerdy— I could keep going, but I’m not mean like you,” she joked, turning her head to look up at him, her smile still present.

"It is. I'll tell it to you, someday. But not today."

He chuckled. "No, no it's true, you can hear him across the island...but usually just when he screams when Hookfang messes with him. That's his dragon, a Monstrous Nightmare." He wasn't sure if she knew that part yet. "They have an interesting dynamic. He's got his own stuff going on, but he's saved my life a few times."

He grinned. "Thanks! And I'll be the first to hire you...but we can discuss that after Snoggletog." He was already thinking of getting a drawing of Astrid and Stormfly.

She seemed to be feeling better, and that was Hiccup's goal. He felt bad that he was the one that caused her to be upset, so he wanted to make sure he fixed it.

The snow flurries stopped, and the clouds had left, leaving bright sunshine and blue skies.

He was able to reach Toothless' saddle bag, so he safely tucked his gift from Danny in there. Once he got home, he'd find a great place to display it.

He gasped in surprise when she nudged him. He chuckled. "Me? Annoying? Hm, I'm not so sure. Weird and nerdy, I can't argue with it, it's true. But annoying? Well... maybe that's what brothers are for?" He shrugged, then his eyes widened. "Mean?! You think I'm--" That's when he saw her smile. Of course, she was joking! That explained it. He breathed a sigh of relief. "Right, well, uh, you know...the snow dragon contest is starting soon... and Gothi is the official judge, so a certain Chief can compete...want to team up? Combine our artistic skills?"

[idontcaboose]

Danny is just chilling on top of the tallest building, hyped as hell for the upcoming 3ish hours. He hears the screams below and probably should do something about it.... but ECLIPSE! Also, not his city, not his monkeys. The amount of straight-up bribery, intimidation, and planning to get 4 hours of freedom from his problems was tiring and hopefully worth it. He is NOT dealing with anything else until those 4 hours are up. Too bad the absolute jerks below did not get that memo when a red and blue blur threw a green and purple blur into the building he was on.

Now, here is the thing about ghostly obsessions. DO NOT INTERFERE. So can Danny really be blamed for going a little too eldritchy at his perfectly calculated viewing spot being turned to rubble? Maybe a bit, he is still half human, but still!

----------------------

The Jutice league finally found the location of the cult that somehow got the league of doom to play distraction for them. Turns out that they planned on using the eclipse to form a circle for a mass ritual to summon something. No one in the JLDark knew who/what just yet, but the size and the amount of souls being sacrificed is making them panic. Superman is currently fighting Lex of all people (how did they get him to even agree?) As well as a few other members at the same time to free up the Flash, Batman, and one of the Lanterns to mess with some of the symbols of the soon to be made magic circle. He had thrown the other doom members away and was playing a demented game of dodgeshot with Lex when his com flared to life.

"Oi, Sups, think we got where the center of the circle is. It's probably inscribed on the top of the taller buildin next ta ya. Destroy it, and that should do the circle in."

Superman noticed the other Doom members about to rejoin his fight with Lex, so he did something that he usually aviods but had no time for a better idea. He grabs and throws Lex through the said building, bringing the top three floors to collapse. There was just long enough for Superman to trun to face his next opponent when the air dipped to freezing and the feeling of absolute dread and primal fear to lace the city. The com line lit up with questions and exclamations.

"Sups, what did you do?!"

"Did they summon it?"

"How the eclipse just started?"

"Tell that to the vibes!"

"The summoning is dependent on the eclipse being at its peak. This is something else. Constantine, Zatana, report."

"Not sure there Bats. This thing is pissed and powerful though."

"Anyone got eyes on it? Superman, you are right the, what do you see?"

Superman slowly turned back to the building to see a writhing mass of void black, speckled in whites, yellows, reds, blues, and bright neon Green. He was then consumed.

--------------

Danny was enjoying the newfound peace he crated. Much like Aunt Alicia says, 'If they can't do it right, do it yourself.' And 'Don't start the fight, but sure as hell, finish it.' He should get mom to let him visit her again.

--------

Everyone in the city had no idea what happened. But in the days to followed the following was known.

1. No one knows what exactly happened.

2. Everyone that would have been in the circle of totality where that building was centered was 'consumed'. Those who entered the area after were not 'consumed'.

3. No one was injured, and those who were injured before the 'consumption' were healed during that time in the void.

4. They stayed in the void for the entire time that the solar eclipse was happening. Those in the void did not perceive the time as that long. It felt like it lasted less than 5 minutes.

5. The JL Dark and the cultists have no clue what could have caused that. The cultists were trying to summon a demon, and both Constantine and the cultists' leader promised that it was not a demons doing.

-------------

Danny was still a bit peved at the commotion at the start of the eclipse, but he got everything back under control by putting them in his version of 'time out'. He should make some thank you fudge for clockwork for showing him that trick. His friends and some of the nicer rogues let him gush about the view and looked at almost all of his pictures and videos of his mini vacation. Lunch Lady even gave him Eclipse cookies! All in all, those 4 hours (minus the tantrum by the mortals) were the best in his life.

Solar Eclipse

So, a solar eclipse just happened the other day where I am and so this idea popped into my head.

So, it is pretty much a given as far as fanon is concerned that Danny is obsessed with space (if not has an outright Obsession regarding space).

The idea was of Danny as Phantom flying out of Amity so he could be under the path of totality to see a solar eclipse in person. Now in real life people can get a little... weird about solar eclipses and a reality with magic and metahumans and aliens is most certainly gonna bring out people wanting to cause havoc.

I just imagined Danny being a space-obsessed kid being all giddy about the coming solar eclipse only for the moment to be ruined by a villain, maybe just some generic evil cultists or maybe a known supervillain. Between the villain(s) doing their thing and the resulting fight between them and the Justice League, the moment is ruined for Danny.

Boy’s gonna be none too happy.

Dealer’s choice on who he blames more and how he shows his utter disappointment.

[phantomskeep]

On your post about Danny having a new form... wendigo isn't the best pick. I mean, there's the Jötunn from Norse mythology (often translated as ice giants but are not necessarily giant sized). There's all variety of demons too. Using parts of a still living culture that has been routinely oppressed and had pieces of its folklore (like the wendigo) used to make racist caricatures, especially when you're not part of that culture, is something to do very carefully.

Like, I know you don't mean to appropriate or mean anything bad by it, but you have admitted that you're not part of the culture nor spoken to someone who is, and I feel if you do decide to write this, using the term wendigo to describe Danny's new form will turn people off, especially if it feels very divorced from its origin culture.

Since you're into the ravenstag as a concept, you could lean into the "sick deer" aesthetic by making whatever Danny's problem is an actual illness causing him to waste away.

Getting into why this happened can help distinguish what you're doing from the wendigo folklore. Wendigo doesn't have a monopoly on "fucked up deer" or on "herbivore eating meat" (which are things that happen in real life), and I personally don't think the association with the folklore is helpful.

Also, I can't help but but notice some superficial similarities to the beginning of your post and my own fic "Danny the Hungry Hungry Ghost." In both, Danny has a new form, a ravenous appetite, raids a grocery store early on, has member(s) of the JL wanting to keep him as a pet, and he perceives all threats as the GIW.

I think it's interesting that your Danny has enough awareness to not eat people despite having cannibalistic urges, while my Danny couldn't understand that eating people just because they're edible is wrong. In that fic, it's very fortunate that he somehow managed to not eat someone.

Hello!! If I were to actually write this prompt (which, I'm not. It's a silly idea that came into my head while I was driving. Unfortunately for me I have a lot going on right now and I suck at one-shots so the post was the next best thing to get my brain to shut up about it.) I would consult the Algonquian speaking nations if I ever did decide to write this and for the fic that I am planning on using something at least similar in concept, I still am wanting to talk to a native about this.

I am going to say that chances are, even if I wanted to just use the concepts of the deer-like popculture wendigo in something, people would associate it with "wendigo" anyways. Over the Garden Wall and Hannibal are two great examples of this - neither ever said the antlered cannibals were wendigos, but the fans considered them to be anyways. Hell, in interviews they did say "oh yeah the wendigo" even when, in the actual content, neither are given a name. The Owl House and Centaurworld also fall into this category, as it's now become a bit of a writing symbol to have an emancipated deer thing be a greedy person's "true form". Not saying this is the culturally correct thing to do, but just showing where I stand on that? If that makes sense???

This is a Monster Art Theory post based on the artistic history of the wendigo, which I think explains the previous paragraph a bit better than I could ever hope to.

I know a lot of fellow writers, world-builders, DMs, ect. have started to separate the "popculture wendigo" (antlered deer, here to just eat your bones) versus the Algonquian speaking nation wendigo (evil spirit who will possess you if you did the greatest sin - eat human flesh). That's a distinction I edited to add in my post, but again - I'm planning on talking to a member of the Ojibwe soon just for my own peace of mind about this (if they're willing to, ofc. I know not a lot of people like to spread their cultures whereas some absolutely love to. I fall into the "oh shit you want to learn about my family's culture? fuck yeah let's do it right now, hope you have 16 hours to spare!" category myself. If the person I end up speaking to doesn't want to touch the topic with a seven foot pole? Then I'll happily fuck off.

Also, I myself am not Norse but I do want to touch on what you said about the Jötunn and how you implied it was part of a dead culture? That's not true - I have a bunch of friends native to the Nordic regions who do still worship the old Nordic religion, including all their folklore. It's still very much alive, and as such using Jötunn or something along that vein would just be the same issue that comes with wendigo, in the context you're talking about. Because of the context of wanting Danny to be at least similar to an animal to make him Damian-adoption bait, then I would not be sticking close to the Jötunn lore. That's not even touching the pagan side of things because my partner would have my head if I fucked that up.

I will say, I have not read your fic but now I am planning to absolutely consume it haha. I went back to the original post you did where you pulled from Bones' prompt, and I vaguely recognized it? If you were wondering if I pulled inspiration from it, I can't say that I did. There was a video going around about a moose walking into a McDonalds and freaking out the employees which is where I pulled the "hehe something everyone is scared of goes into a place to cause chaos" idea from. The GIW was just plot convivence but if I were to actually write it out? Nah, that boy's gonna have trauma from his parents.

To be honest having Danny not wanting to eat people is just easy plot convenience. I wanted him to roll up into a grocery store, employees see the camera footage when they get to work the next morning, and to have it go viral which is how the JL found out about it. That couldn't happen if Danny just decided to go Stephen King/Supernatural "time to murder everything in sight" mode. I didn't put it in the prompt because I just wanted my brain to stop thinking about it so that I could actually focus on writing the fics I have right now (one of which I am going to use the wendigo concept for, but as I have stated many times now - I was and still am fully planning on consulting a member of the Ojibwe nation about beforehand. I honestly just expected the original prompt I made to get maybe 1 note and disappear into the Tumblr Void, never thought I would've needed to pull out all the stops to show everything I've done to not culturally appropriate haha).

Anyways, all that being said thank you for informing me on all of this! I'm not planning on using the prompt I made in a fic (because ugh I just don't have that kind of time) but I appreciate you doing your part to make sure I'm not being a jerk about it. I hope everything I've put in here helps explain my viewpoint a bit more?

also sorry if this is a bit of a ramble or doesn't make sense, I just woke up and I haven't had any caffeine haha. Brain no worky

[twoidiotwriters1]

Until The Very End -(WITS Sequel)

A/N: Every time I wrote them saying "my husband/wife" in my head they sound so proud about being married they're so cute TuT -Danny

Words: 4,062

Masterlist

Previous chapter // Next chapter

January—June 2003

"You're leaving?"

"Just for a few weeks."

Mel crossed her arms, staring at her husband with a scowl.

"Head Aurors don't go on those kinds of missions."

"Well, sometimes when you're Head Auror, you can change the rules," he got up with a little smile.

"Are the other Aurors busy?" Mel pressed, her frown only getting more prominent at his good mood.

"We haven't been able to determine if the attacks are caused by Dementors or dark wizards, I won't send my Aurors without knowing—"

Mel scoffed, storming out of the drawing room and into the kitchen. "You'll get things done by yourself like you always do."

"Well, at least now I'll get paid for the trouble," he replied casually.

"We don't need the money—"

"Don't be mad..." he said as he follow her around.

"I'm not mad."

Harry grabbed her by the wrist and turned her to face him, now he was frowning. "Don't lie to me."

"Alright, I am mad," she snatched her arm away, a little pout formed on her lips. "You're going on your own to a dangerous mission—"

"I'm taking Ron."

"But who knows how many Dementors or dark wizards are out there!" Mel exclaimed. "I'm not going to stop you, but I'm not happy either..." she looked down, the scars on her hand still visible in the sunlight. "Times like this make me miss our lifeline..."

Harry reached and squeezed her shoulders lovingly. "We knew this would happen. I'm sorry, but I'll be back before you know it."

"Hardly," she mumbled, "and don't say sorry if you don't mean it."

"If I could take you with me I would," he smiled a little.

Mel wrapped her arms around him. "You'll be careful, won't you? You'll come back to me?"

"Always," he kissed her. "But if I don't, feel free to find that greek waitress and marry her instead."

She chuckled, pushing him away.

"You know what?" The witch said. "I have forty minutes to spare, and if I won't be seeing you in a month, I think we should use them wisely."

Harry smiled, sweeping her off her feet and moving towards the hallway.

"They'll come back soon."

"I know," Mel sighed. "Too bad we can't write them letters..."

"Ron said they'd write soon," Hermione was staying with Mel so she felt less lonely. "At least this time you can distract yourself with work! How is it going?"

"Moving at a frustratingly slow pace," she smiled tiredly, even now Hermione's way of cheering up continued to be work achievement. "How's on your front?"

"Oh well, ever since Skeeter wrote that article, I've gotten thousands of letters asking how to help to better the house-elves situation— my boss says I could get a promotion to the Department of Magical Law Enforcement."

"You'd be in the same Department as Ron and..." Mel grimaced. Hermione helped her with a quick change of subject.

"We got new people," she continued as if Mel hadn't said a thing, "there's this man that reminds me of Cormac."

"Why?"

"You'll find out," Hermione's eyes were glaring at something invisible. "He'll find a way to run into you soon."

Hermione's new friend found Mel the very next week. He was a brown-haired man with dark eyes like Hermione's, but whilst hers were smart and joyful, his were hungry and mean.

"Hermione!" The man looked at Mel and his smile widened. "Who's your friend?"

"Mel," she shook his hand, far more polite than in previous years. "And you are?"

"Isaac Movak," he eyed her up without even trying to hide it. "Mel? As in Mel Dumbledore?"

"The very same," she nodded shortly.

"I've heard about you," the man sat down next to her at the table without asking for permission.

Mel glanced at Hermione and caught her "I-told-you-so" look.

"Mr Movak," she said. "We're having lunch."

"Oh yeah, that's great..." he placed a butterbeer and his little Tupperware on the shiny surface. "So what are we talking about?"

Movak continued to be a recurrent annoyance in Mel's life. When she mentioned this to Hermione, she rolled her eyes.

"He does that on purpose. He's been volunteering to run errands downstairs so he can see you. It isn't professional, but he took it as a challenge when I told him to stop. At least Cormac could tell you disliked him!"

"But everyone knows I'm married! What is he trying to achieve with all this?"

"I think he won't stop unless you reject him directly."

"He has to know, Skeeter made sure to write all about my life and Harry's for the last eight years!"

"Isaac isn't from here," Hermione explained. "He's lived in America most of his life and studied in Ilvermorny."

Mel frowned. "I miss Harry. I'd sit with him during lunchtime and Movak wouldn't go anywhere near me if he were here, no boys ever dared to approach me when Harry was with me at school."

"You can wear your ring— Why don't you wear it?"

"I'm afraid to lose it. I've never been one to wear jewellery and I can't be trusted with my wedding ring. No, I'll wait until he makes a move, I'm a patient woman."

Hermione knew that was a blatant lie.

"How are you feeling today, August?"

"Like I haven't slept in a week," the man groaned.

"That's good," she replied calmly. "We need to lower your defences before we start the second half of the testing process..."

"Is it working?"

"Well, we already knew the first part would work, remember?" Mel reviewed her notes quickly. "Your reactions are normal, and they're giving us hope. We can't thank you enough for helping us, Auggie."

"Just make it work," he yawned, too tired to feel anything else. "That's all I want."

"We'll start the transfusions next month," Daphne checked August's pupil. "Remember, any bizarre symptom that doesn't fit the list we gave you, you—"

"I tell you," he rubbed his eyes. "I... I won't die, will I?"

"We can't promise you that, August," Mel's face got very serious. "You signed a paper, you're aware of the risks..."

"Yeah, but it was easier said than done," he snapped, Mel didn't take it personally.

She placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed. "I promise I'll do everything in my power to keep you safe— and not to be haughty, but I'm extremely powerful. We'll find the cure, August, you'll be healthier than ever once we're done with you."

Mel left his room with Daphne following close behind. Erick came out of the one in front of them followed by another healer.

"How's Sam?"

"She's tough, but that's normal when it comes to werewolves," he rubbed the back of his neck. "I think we'll be able to start in three weeks, maybe four."

"That's what Daphne said," Mel smiled. "We should run a few more tests with the blood—"

"We can't," Erick reminded her. "Right now all we can do is wait. And pray, if you're into that."

Just when she needed to keep her mind busy! It'd been a month and a half since Harry had left, and she was worried sick. The most she would get in his letters was: "Still in one piece." Which wasn't soothing.

"Anne's pregnant again," Erick blurted out.

Daphne and Mel stopped and stared at him.

"Was it planned?"

Erick tilted his head. "Sort of."

"Were you, or were you not planning to have another baby?"

"I mean, it wasn't like we didn't want to. It was... a surprise."

"What's surprising about making a baby?" Mel inquired. "In which part did you get lost?"

Erick scowled at her. "I mean we were leaving it up to fate and it happened. You're acting like all the babies that we've known were planned but some of them were accidents and you know it."

Daphne snorted, and Mel gasped. "They were not accidents!"

Erick laughed a little. "You weren't planned, Mel."

"That's not—! That's..." Mel's mouth fell open. "Blimey, I wasn't planned."

Her friend chuckled. "Not saying your mum didn't want you— she loves you and Leon just like I love my daughters. It's just... you never know what'll happen with a new baby."

"That sounds terrifying," Daphne shivered. "I can't imagine myself pregnant and married— and to think my sister will give birth to a Malfoy..!"

"Your sister what?" Erick and Mel asked at the same time.

Daphne blushed. "Forget that! Astoria told me not to tell anyone yet!"

"Your sister married Draco?" Mel inquired in outrage. "Why would she do that?"

"Why wasn't I invited?" Erick demanded.

"Because they're in love, Mel," Daphne rolled her eyes. "And Erick, you hate the Malfoys!"

"I don't hate your sister," he pouted. "Would've loved to be at her wedding..."

"Yeah well," Daphne crossed her arms. "Anne wouldn't've had a nice night surrounded by purebloods like your parents."

"That's true..."

"I'd love to congratulate your sister, but she married Malfoy," Mel wrinkled her nose in disgust.

"I'll tell her you were surprised..."

The laughter coming from Mel's garden gave her the ease she'd been craving for a whole month.

She'd convinced some of the parents she knew to let their toddlers stay with her for the weekend. She would not be the only adult looking after them of course, Hermione was still there, and so were Ginny and Luna.

The children arrived in pairs: Four-year-old Emily and two-year-old Elizabeth were the first to arrive being the next-door neighbours, thirty minutes later seven-year-old Leon Regulus stormed into the house with a bag full of toys and Padfoot jumping around at the entrance path, happy to be accompanying his owner. Grey was not amused, and Hedwig was severely distressed.

Teddy Lupin was hesitant to stay, he was taking the big brother role very seriously, even as a clumsy five-year-old, but he lacked a bit of backbone just like Remus when it came to opposing his friends, he couldn't bring himself to decline Reggie's invitation.

Three of the children were not hard to handle by themselves, but Regulus was just like Mel when she was little: highly sociable and energetic, he also tended to be bossy with his friends, just as she'd been with Harry.

Emily Flint was loved by her parents and sister, and all she had to do to get whatever she wanted was to ask for it nicely. She wasn't bossy, nor a spoiled brat, she was a fair older sister, and she couldn't stand the arrogance Regulus exuded from time to time.

"Quidditch!" The toddler crossed her arms, looking up at the boy with her judgy hazel eyes.

"We don't have brooms!" Reggie scowled, his auburn hair sticking to his sweaty forehead. "Besides, we'd need to ask Mel for protection spells and the sun's going down, we don't have time for that!"

Emily was having a strange feeling that all she'd done that afternoon was comply with Leon's orders, and in her short life, that was something she was not used to. Her parents never demanded things, they asked her to do chores, but she'd never felt bossed around. The little girl looked at the group of young women seated next to the backdoor of the house and decided she wanted to be with them.

"I'm hungry."

Regulus turned to see his sister and her friends, they were spoiling Emily's baby sister with biscuits and strawberries, and he didn't want to be ignored by little Em the way he was currently being ignored by them.

"We can eat later."

"No," she cleaned her hands on her overall and without looking back at him she made her way to the girls.

Teddy ran up to Regulus' side, flushed cheeks and sweat running down his forehead, he'd just tripped while climbing off a three.

"We're done playing?" He panted.

Reggie's grey eyes flashed with rage, he was embarrassed and sad, he was starting to realize the world didn't revolve around him and that was horrible.

"Teddy, you'll be my best friend forever, won't you?"

Teddy was more than happy to be his best friend, he worshipped the older boy, and thought of him as everything he wished he could be, but couldn't.

"You want me to?" He asked innocently.

Regulus smiled, at least Teddy still belonged in his world. "You are my favourite nephew."

Emily had reached the group of witches, and she climbed Mel's lap and asked if she could have a strawberry.

"Are you tired, Emi?"

The toddler bit on her fruit, filling her mouth. "Leon... excuse me..." she swallowed the food. "Leon doesn't says please."

Mel smiled. "He's a bit bratty, isn't he?"

"What's bratty?"

Mel looked up at her friends, who were all amused. "A little help, 'Mione?"

"Reggie's not used to sharing. Perhaps you can help?"

Emily was too little to understand, but it sounded like Leon suffered from a condition like the people daddy was helping in his work. She wanted to be like him.

"Can he be healed?"

The witches had to bite their lips to not laugh at the girl's question, Mel nodded.

"Just say no when you don't want to do the things he tells you to, he'll understand. He's not a bully, is he?"

Emily shook her head, Regulus made her laugh a lot, and last Christmas he carried her on his back when she'd slipped on the snow and hurt her ankle.

Mel looked up to where her brother and Teddy were playing with Padfoot, then she stared at the little girls. These babies were starting to have their own minds and personalities, and soon enough they would decide whether or not to stay friends with each other.

Unfortunately, seeing the way Regulus glared at Emily from across the table at dinner time, when she decided to give her last bit of chicken to Grey and not to him even though he'd told her to put it on his plate, Mel had the feeling some ties would be cut sooner than later.

"Hi, Movak— goodbye Movak!"

Mel was running to a meeting to give her reports on the cure and the advances they were making, Erick was going to meet her there and she was five minutes late.

"Hey! Hi, Mel!" He caught up with her too easily. "I was wondering if you'd like to go out with me on Friday? I know this muggle place—"

She frowned without looking up at him, hastily going through her papers. "Have you lost your mind?"

"C'mon, you're always working," he was trying to sound seductive, with emphasis on trying. "If you'd give me a chance I could make you happy..."

"Don't make a fool of yourself." She waved her hand as if getting rid of a fly.

"Mel—"

"Don't you know I'm married?" She inquired, fastening her pace. "Hasn't anyone in your office ever mentioned it to you?"

He laughed. "You're twenty!"

"I'll be twenty-three this July, actually," she spotted Erick, he approached to meet her halfway. "Seriously, you want me to believe you didn't know?"

"You're not wearing a ring," he pointed out cynically. "C'mon, darling..."

Erick got to her side and she nudged him. "D'you know I'm married?"

"Of course, I was there when it happened," he took the files from her hands to examine them. "Is Potter's absence damaging your brain? Talk to Daphne after the meeting— hurry up!"

"Harry Potter?" Movak asked stupidly.

"Well, of course, you idiot," Mel replied, leaving him standing in the middle of the hall.

"Do you really think he didn't know?" Erick questioned as soon as they were alone.

"He might've thought Harry's out of the picture since he's not here and I don't wear my ring. Either way, I hope Harry comes back soon, he and Ron will have a fun time scaring him away."

The house was quiet, Hermione, Ginny, and Luna had spent a nice time in her home, Regulus and little Em had visited often as well as the rest of the Flints, and even Mel's mother had stayed a few days with Teddy and Tonks, but now the visits were over, and she was on the verge of tears.

Mel was falling asleep after hours of resisting the despair that she'd been feeling for weeks when a loud crack jolted her awake. She ran towards the bedroom door, seizing her wand. Grey rushed past her, she tried to catch him but the hall was completely dark and finding a black cat was no easy job. Mel made her way down the stairs with her wand pointing ahead, then she heard a man's voice:

"You missed me?" Loud meowing responded. "Hush, Grey, you're going to wake her up!"

"Glasses!" Mel dropped her wand and jumped the last four steps to greet her husband.

The man barely had time to straighten up and catch her, stumbling backwards and almost stepping on the cat's tail.

"Did I wake you?"

"It's okay," she was very aware of the soreness on her neck, but she didn't mind it one bit. "Let me see you!" Harry turned on the lights, she gasped dramatically. "Beard!"

He chortled and Mel felt endless bliss at the sound. Her hands went up to his face and tilted it upwards, examining the facial hair with loads of curiosity.

"Do you like it?" He asked. "Ron grew one too, but he was afraid Hermione would hate it so he shaved as soon as we got to the Ministry."

His beard was full, his hair had grown and he had to brush it back to keep it away from his eyes, thin strands of it kept landing softly over his scar. He seemed way older like this, which she thought funny since she was technically twenty-six days older. Something purred in her chest at the sight, she was looking at her childhood best friend, her first love, and her extremely attractive husband.

"Do I like it?" She grabbed him by the neck of his cloak and pulled him down. "I'm obsessed with it."

"Really?" Harry insisted, and she could tell he was a little anxious. "Ron said I looked too old."

"You look perfect," she kissed him, his scent stirring something in her. "I missed you..."

His eyes softened, and the green of his gaze looked striking that night. "You seriously like the beard?"

Mel turned and dragged him towards their bedroom.

"Good morning! I brought brownies!"

Mel placed the box on Erick's desk and approached hers, the man looked up from his notes.

"Someone's happy..."

"Harry's home," she beamed. "He came back last night."

"You don't look tired for someone who spent the whole night up," he teased.

"I took a shower, and also, mind your bloody business," she retorted, although her smile remained. "Any news?"

"No... well, we have to check on Sam and August after lunch—"

"Oh, wait until you see Harry!" Mel squirmed excitedly in her seat. "He grew a beard!"

"What? I didn't know he could do that!" Erick said in surprise. "I suppose it looks good if it makes you this happy."

"He looks so grown," she melted in her seat. "He left looking like a boyfriend but now he is a man..."

Erick laughed. "Look at you, acting like a schoolgirl!"

"Well, I'm young and in love," she sighed.

"You're sounding like when you were fourteen, wouldn't be surprised if you start talking about princesses and castles," he smiled. "I like that. I'd missed this side of you."

"Don't know what you mean," she said, fixing her posture. "I'm a grown woman."

"Right," Erick walked up to her and gave her a pile of papers. "Well, ma'am, maybe you'd like to hide those marks on your neck before we talk to our boss?"

Mel leapt out of her seat and checked her reflection on the nearest surface, swearing at the sight.

"I told you to be careful!" She pinched her husband's arm. "I had marks all over me!"

"Sorry love, it was dark," Harry retorted, though she could hear the amusement in his voice.

"Hi, Mel!" Ron had no beard and looked younger than Harry because of it. In Mel's eyes, no one would ever look as handsome as Harry from then on. "Missed me?"

"Not as much as Hermione," she hugged him. "Hey, I would've loved to meet bearded Ron!"

He grimaced. "I look like my uncle Bilius, only taller. Maybe I'll let it grow someday. You like Harry's new look?"

"Let's go find Hermione!" She said before Harry could answer for her.

Hermione enveloped Ron and Harry in a tight hug, then she kissed Ron briefly before going back to her desk, it looked messier than usual.

"I'm sorry, I don't think I'll be able to have lunch with you today," she sighed. "Look at all this!"

"Yeah, it looks awful," Ron admitted. Paperwork continued to be one of the things he hated most in life. "Is... is there any way we can help?"

Hermione beamed at him. "I'd love you for it, but you have things to do. Besides, you just came back from your mission, you should rest..."

Ron's face did nothing to hide his relief, but he still offered to carry the paperwork for Hermione, and both of them moved towards a desk on the opposite side.

"How nice of you to visit!" A man said to Mel.

She would've been repulsed by him, but now that Harry was back, she smiled and faced him.

"I'm so happy to see you!"

It caught him off guard, Mel was never this blitheful, but he recovered quickly. Movak smirked and approached. "Missed me, have you?"

"Not at all," she tilted her head feigning innocence. "I'm happy to see you because now you can meet my husband!"

Movak's face lost its colour. Mel seized Harry, he wasn't used to being shown off by her, and it confused him.

"Mr Movak, this is Harry Potter— Harry, this is Isaac Movak."

The pressure he was feeling on his arm was enough for him to understand Mel disliked Hermione's coworker, and therefore, he did too.

He nodded, reaching to shake the man's hand. "Never heard of you."

"I-I'm from New York," the man cleared his throat, Mel could've sworn he used to look taller. "Your wife's been kind to me— she's a nice girl."

Oh, now she was someone's wife. Mel hid her annoyance behind a soft smile that her eyes didn't match at all. Harry could tell she wasn't enjoying the compliments and decided to take her away from that situation.

"Well, I promised my wife I'd take her to her favourite restaurant and I hate to upset her. I s'pose I'm not over the honeymoon phase, there's nothing I wouldn't do to make her happy, you know? All she has to do is tell me if something's bothering her and I take care of it, some say it's a bad habit."

He didn't speak in a threatening voice, however, Movak seemed to lose all his confidence as they walked past him. As soon as they were inside a lift, Mel spoke:

"I don't have a favourite restaurant."

"Well, you better pick one," Harry glanced at his watch. "So why do you hate that bloke, anyway?"

"I don't hate him, he bugs me. There's a difference."

Harry chuckled. "Alright, what's his problem?"

Mel avoided his eyes, she was starting to feel a little self-conscious about the whole thing. "He's been flirting even when he knew I was married. Keeps calling me darling—"

"What?"

"It's really stupid," she continued, completely missing Harry's change of tone. "I should've done something, but I had no energy to deal with him. Erick said he could scare him away if I wanted, but having my ex-boyfriend defend my honour would've made people talk more— I was so frustrated! It's the first time I wasn't enough to scare a person away..."

She sighed, noticing Harry's lack of response she finally looked up only to see his eyes clouded by an emotion she hadn't seen in years and had trouble recognising.

"What's wrong?"

He cleared his throat. "Do you think he'll leave you alone now? If he doesn't, I'll kill him."

Mel identified the look on his face, it was a very specific kind of annoyance, the one that came to him when boys at school approached her unwelcomed.

"I don't think the Head Auror should threaten to kill a civilian," she had to bite her lip to avoid laughing.

Harry's frown deepened. "It's not that I think you can't defend yourself—"

"It sounds a little like that..."

"Okay. Let me know when you decide it's time to shut his mouth, it's been a while since I last saw you brutally humble a bloke."

Mel laughed, and she kissed his cheek. "He's a coward. Took one look at you and suddenly I was no longer his darling, I was your wife. I knew it would happen..."

"You're not just my wife," Harry was quick to reply.

"I know," she patted his shoulder. "He won't be bothering me anymore, don't worry."

The lift's doors opened and Mel moved away out of habit. Harry wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close.

"Glasses!" She yelped as they walked out. "What are you doing?"

"We're married," he shrugged. "We agreed not to do this when you were my boss, but I'm allowed to kiss and hug my wife if I want to."

"I-I suppose," he looked so grown up, she felt small in his arms. "Sorry."

"No need to be," Harry kissed her forehead.

Next Chapter—>

Taglist.

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[neko-naruto]

Can we talk about something else?

Four people sat at the table me, Jazz and Vlad, guess that's three people, but 'dad' will be sitting down soon enough anyways, he just always slacks off, was he always like this?

Probably.

"Honey" Mom started as she opened the fridge, the creak grounding me back in reality.

"Yeah mom?" I asked gently, lifting my head from the table and looking over at mom, she had a carton of orange juice in hand, or maybe mango juice.

"Do you think we could talk about what you remember tonight?" She asked as she pulled down a few glasses, filling each cup around halfway full.

"Yeah sure, why not." I answered with as mom slid me a cup of juice, I took a sip, mango flavor, worse than I imagined, but, I might as well finish the cup, can't have mom get worried that I'm not eating enough.

"What's wrong bro?" Jazz asked, her eyes locked on me, probably staring in disgust at these stitches and mismatched clothing, no, Jazz, Jazz doesn't hate me, she's my sister, she wouldn't hate me.

Right?

"Nothing, just feel twisted inside, probably just hungry." I said looking down at myself, the stitches, I despise them, sure they are important, but still, they reflect... Something bad that happened that I can't remember and no one wants to talk about.

The snow white emblem on my chest seemed to stare back at me in shame. The white boot and black latex on most of my left leg looked out of place next to the jean and red shoe on my right leg. The white gloves on my hands, the left side had human fingers showing.

The black latex on my right arm that transitioned to my glove looked better than my other arm that had a short white sleeve with a red cuff and skin visible till my wrist where I was stitched together with my glove.

I'm a monstrosity of nature.

A disaster.

A failure.

A mistake.

"Littler badger are you ok?" Vlad asked, I snapped up, tears on my face, guess I started crying. I wiped the tears from my face and nodded before noticing 'dad' had taken a seat parallel to me.

"Y-Yeah, I just got caught up in my thoughts." I said with a light sniffle before mom sat down next to Jazz, everyone on the other side of the table, guess that they can't even sit next to me without being disgusted.

Oh, ectoplasm is leaking from my stitches again, guess I might've gotten stressed or something like that to raise my heartrate that much.

"What do you want to talk about son?" Dad asked, cautiously a plate of coleslaw and chicken in front of me with a glass of water, three quarters full, I think.

"I, can I go back to school?" I asked, everyone tensed at the question, Vlad seemed the most unfazed at the suggestion.

"Why would you want to go back to school honey?" Mom asked, voice still sweet and even, but wavering ever so slightly.

"I don't know, my friends go to school and their fine, I might be able to be me again if I go back." I said to try and sway them to my side.

"We can look into getting you back in school, but you need some new clothing, and a name." Mom said, I can do new clothing, but a name, what kind of name would I even have now, I mean, I'm an abomination, do I even deserve a name?

Yeah, I deserve a name.

I deserve respect of my choices as well.

"Well, I can find a hoodie to wear, but pants, I don't know about pants what I have can work," I said, dad seemed happy, he always does, Jazz looked slightly unsure, but she would help me, mom looked like she was proud of me in some twisted manner. "I can't find a name though, I used to be Fenton, or was I Danny, maybe I was Phantom."

"You were all of them." Vlad said simply, well that makes thing easy to deal with, I had three identities, or only two, cause Fenton and Phantom sound like last names while Danny sounds like a first name.

"Which name sounds best?" Jazz asked before she took a sip of her mango juice, gross.

"Can I, can I go by Fantom, with an f?" I asked cautiously, Jazz seemed ok with the name, Vlad looked ok with the name, mom looked like she could handle the name, and dad, dad seemed unsure of my name.

"I don't know son, maybe just Danny will do." Dad offered.

"Jack, I know I was your son, I know I still am your son, but, I don't think Danny is a fitting name for me anymore," I explained. "I'm an amalgamation of a ghost and human, one of which was your son, or both of them were your son, but, now I'm both at once, not two different identities, just one singular person, Fantom."

"But-"

"Jack, I would like some respect for my choices, I think I'm around fourteen, and I, I deserve respect in my choices." I said forcefully, pointing a fork at dad who flinched before easing up a bit.

"Fine." He said with a sigh.

"Thank you." I said with a light sigh as I took a bite of coleslaw, the taste, vinegar, I spat out the bite slowly, something about the taste sent off red flags.

"Something wrong with the food Fantom?" Vlad asked, noticing that I had a problem with the taste.

"Yeah, vinegar doesn't really sit well with me, don't know why, but, the taste just sets off red flags," I explained. "Can I, can I have a peanut butter sandwich or something?"

"Sure, just gimme a minute or two." Jazz said as she got up and pulled down some peanut butter and bread.

"Thanks Jazz, I can always count on you."

[thatrandomsarahchick]

They've been slowly working on unravelling a centuries old mystery about the myth that Batman is based on, or potentially, it's Batman being going through time. Their overseas colleagues are contacted if they're in the vicinity of a dig or museum where they think their next clue will be, but otherwise, Danny and Laura are content to do the heavy lifting themselves.

Around the time they find Mordecai Wayne, they begin to suspect that Batman is actually Bruce Wayne, being flung through time. This is the final piece that takes the blinders off their eyes and helps them put all of the pieces together. Bruce is Batman. The rest of the vigilantes are his children and family friends.

Bruce is easily trackable now that they know he's Batman, so they know that their haven't been any long absences that could explain this, but he looks almost identical to the portrait that Laura found a picture of online. From this, they know that something will cause him to be flung through time, and it's going to happen soon. Knowing of paradoxes and alterations to the timeline through his time as Phantom, Danny realises that they can't let anyone know about this yet. They two gather all of their evidence into a comprehensive file and wait.

A month later, Nightwing disappears, and Batman starts being more acrobatic. Bruce also has disappeared, and his close friends and family are clearly grieving, though an official statement is yet to be released about his 'death'. Considering that the latest big bad fight involving the JL happened caused a temporal fluctuation big enough for Danny to notice, they decide that it's time to approach the Waynes with the good news.

Unfortunately, attempting to hail the heroes has been unsuccessful. There's a new Robin, and he's very stab-happy. Laura was barely able to introduce the two of them properly before the child lunged at her, calling her a 'harlot'.

The two decide to visit the manor during the daytime.

Tomb Raider Danny

Danny is a Tomb Raider, One of his Ancestors was a Croft. Danny as a halfa can find extremely rare/lost historical artifacts and records. He gains fame as an Unparalleled Archaeologist, with multiple donations and discoveries to his name.

Now Danny doesn’t go by Fenton oh no, he goes by Croft. And just happens to have a Cousin by the name of Laura. They find out about each other when at Convention for lost civilizations in Gotham, because why not.

They end up teaming up to find proof of a civilization that worships Bats, used to Live in what is now known as Gotham City.

Cue Shenanigans

[mutable-manifestation]

(Tim is 17, Danny is 16, Damian is 14)

***

The thing about summoning the ghost king is that it takes a very specific ritual. Even the slightest misstep and it won't happen; most people make a misstep and then try a different, even more wrong ritual.

Which means while Danny does get summoned, it's more like a monthly occurrence than a daily issue - pretty infrequent for the infinite realms, he's told.

Clockwork himself has biweekly attempts, but he long since learned to reject summons. He's very bad at explaining how, though, and reassures Danny he'll figure it out eventually.

After the fourth time or so he decided to just appear as Fenton - okay so the first time was an accident, but the lack of glow makes him look way less impressive, apparently. Most people take one look at Fenton - pretending to be very confused and startled about where he is and what just happened, completely devoid of magic or death (hidden so well beneath his human skin that he can pass through ectoshields in that form, mind) - and send him back.

Ra's Al Ghul is not most people. Maybe he wants to summon the Lord of the Dead to speed up the whole 'mostly depopulate the earth' thing. Maybe he summons him as 'the balance.' Maybe he found the ritual in an ancient tome about the Lazarus Pits and want to, like, bargain for more LPs or something.

Whatever the case may be, when Danny Fenton appears bewildered and gawking in his circle, Ra's can sense what the other, less- or non-ecto-contaminated summoners could not: there is something off about him.

He can't pinpoint what, but he knows they did ritual to perfect - oversaw every step down to the last drop of blood. A test, perhaps?

When he gestures one of his men into the circle he expects Danny to react. He does not expect him to continue blinking owlishly before going down like a sack of bricks, as if he never even noticed the man sneaking up behind him.

He puts it from his mind; test or accident, they will find out eventually. He has Talia tie the boy up and take him away, they can interrogate him once he awakes.

---------------------

Danny wakes up tied to a table. This is something that has featured heavily in his nightmares for a while now.

Unlike in his nightmares, however, the ropes and clasps are all completely mundane.

He heaves a sigh of relief, preparing to phase out and bolt when movement cuts him short.

One ninja looking dude goes out a the door of the room his little table sits in the center of, saying something in a language Danny is unfamiliar with. A second stands by the door, watching.

"Any chance I could get you to let me out of here?" he tries.

And is promptly ignored.

"Yeah," he sighs, "I thought not."

He slips out of visibility, through his bonds, and into the guy's body before he can to much more than startle.

Hopefully if he leaves him somewhere weird enough he'll write it off as a fever dream - assuming the usual effects of overshadowing don't fudge his memory enough on their own.

Stepping out the door whistling a jaunty tune, he immediately makes dead eye-contact with the old dude that had seemed to be leading his summoning ritual before - along with ninja 1 and some lady he didn't recognize - not 15 feet away.

They all freeze for a moment. Old dude looks angry for a moment and opens his mouth, but Danny turns and bolts.

Footsteps race closer behind and his spins just in time to dodge a kick from the Unidentified Fighting Lady (UFL, he decides).

He makes sure a fist is coming for ninja 2's chin before phasing invisibly out of his body. Ninja 2 has just enough time to widen his eyes before he's out cold.

He drops down a floor and goes visible.

If they're going to kidnap him instead of sending him home post-ritual, he feels like he's allowed to explore their...castle? Or whatever this place is.

Maybe cause a little chaos to encourage them to be less kidnap-y next time. Or to just. Not have a next time.

Both is good.

Soon enough, the place is full of people scrambling everywhere. He lets a few see him, sticking out his tongue or giving a mocking comment before ducking around a corner and through a new wall.

When he ends up behind a group, he taps one on the shoulder. He'll relish their shrieks for weeks (they're highly trained and none of them noticed him until he tapped one, thus the reaction).

And also the scream of frustration when he disappears around a corner not two steps ahead of them and they lose him entirely.

He has to take a moment in an empty room to get his laughter out. Then he has to phase down another floor to avoid being cornered - no need to make it too obvious he's using powers, here.

He finds an armory and spends a while taking apart a good chunk of the guns - there are some models he leaves alone since he doesn't recognize them. He might come back for a sword to keep, he thinks. The curvy blade ones look really, really cool.

Another hallway, another group trying to surprise him from behind - jokes on them, he's on high alert now that he knows they won't just send him back, the jerks - another disappearing act, and he finds himself in a room full of paperwork.

Yep, he can't read the writing either.

Oh well.

He has a good 8 minutes of throwing papers around and rearranging them and cutting out photos of people to put in a separate pile before Old Dude and UFL come sweeping through the doorway.

UFL's eyes widen and Old Dude's face turns a furious red faster than he thought possible.

They don't move to attack this time, Old Dude instead taking a deep breath before drawing himself up and saying something else in the language Danny doesn't know.

It sounds...calm. Polite, maybe.

Danny pauses his paper cutting and gets up, slowly walking up to the dude - just an arms length away - likes he plans to talk.

Then he takes a quick step closer, slaps his shoulder, and shouts "Tag, you're it!" before diving between them and running away - a discreet use of intangibility the only thing that keeps him from being nabbed.

And from taking another head wound.

Seriously. Some people.

He barely hears the faint "Wait!" over his own laughter - which draws more ninja people to his location.

No matter; he cuts a complex route through the floor he's on before, once again, vanishing around a corner and through the floor, down another level.

If they actually want to talk, they can do it after he's had his fun - and after they apologize for the head wound. Talk about rude.

But first: he's going to explore more.

He finds the locker room level.

Or, well, it's bedroom and wardrobes and stuff. But he finds where they keep the spare ninja outfits.

He puts one on and goes up five levels, punching and kicking at the air like the zombie-ninja in Dead Teacher 5 did in the post-capture scene.

When a group spots and rushes him he disappears - you guessed it - around a corner and goes invisible to find a new group. Which he then pops into visibility behind, pretending to follow along.

It doesn't work, as the moment he takes an audible step they whip around and bow.

It's the most blatantly non-hostile reaction he's gotten so far, but it's also the one he likes the least.

"The Demon's Head apologizes for the inhospitable first impression. He would like to have the chance to apologize to you personally," the group calls out in unison, this time in English.

If he hadn't recognized the language, the accents didn't help any.

Not that he really expected them to, given how he didn't always end up on the same planet - yet another motivation to stay human for these things, the circles don't auto translate when he's human, making the summoners even less inclined to believe their circle worked.

He sighs. Sags.

"Fiiiiiiiiine," he groans out. "But I'm finishing exploring first. Call it step one of making it up to me for putting on his creepy corpse slab thingy."

He sinks through the floor before they can say anything else, leaving the stolen ninja-suit behind.

He wanders around for maybe another 20 minutes before he gets bored.

The ninjas are still everywhere but they keep bowing. When he goes invisible after passing a group they call someone. Probably Old Dude - or 'Demon's Head,' which, compensating much?

He's getting bored. He could probably figure out how to get home on his own, but it'd be easier to just have them send him back.

But first, the basement.

You can tell a lot about a person by their basement. Take his parents for example; very obviously obsessed with ghosts.

Vlad's basement? Visibly Fruitloopy.

Tucker's family? Normal, maybe a bit nerdy. Pool table, bookshelves covered in old and new tech devices, bookshelves covered in books - fictional and technical both.

Sam's? Rich people. Not much for interacting with anyone except their fellow rich friends; noticeably stuck-up (except Sam, who somehow escaped the generational curse of ass-holier-than-thou-ness. Though maybe 'generational' was a bit unfair, given Ida).

So he goes down, down, down, until he stops hitting empty space. Then he goes back up, to what appears to be the bottom floor - though he'll have to check for stairs leading down, since the basement could just be smaller than everywhere else and not beneath him. It is a castle.

Or at least it's castle-sized.

He wanders around, back in the visible range.

He can't help but notice the many unconscious and/or tied up ninjas he passes on his journey.

Odd.

Danny emerges from the hall into a large chamber, with lamps covering the walls. He idly notices a pair of brightly-dressed people tying up a few more ninjas at the bottom of the stairs - stairs that curve around either side of a large pool.

"Hell yeah they got a pool!" he shouts as he dives arms-first into the middle of the water. Or...ecto-water? It's a little discolored green, and now that's he's in it he can just feel the energy brushing over his skin.

It's pretty refreshing.

He swims seven laps below the surface - doing loops and spins and just generally taking his time - before he surfaces to breathe.

Which he stills needs to do in human form. Just less often.

He could just go intangible to breath - a little hack he discovered by accident - but it's still kind of awkward.

Plus, he's kind of curious about the costume dudes. If they're still there.

---------------------

It's been a long month for the batfam.

All of Arkham managed to escape on the full moon on the first of the month, and they might as well have set up a rotation schedule for their attacks.

None of them have had a moment's peace since.

And to top it all off, Ra's was up to something fishy. The League had been moving differently for two weeks now.

Tim and Damian had both taken notice, and had quietly agreed that the two of them should handle it themselves. Once only a few rogues remained out of Arkham - the Joker not among them - they disappeared onto a plane, a text in the group chat about doing some in-person research on a case all they left behind.

Everyone was worried - and Bruce was furious - but for all Gotham was finally relatively stable again they still couldn't afford to leave. Not with Riddler having something so clearly in the works. A quick promise to be safe and they cut off all of their tech.

They only needed a guard, but Damian insisted on the ones closest to the Pit since they were more likely to know something. It was supposed to be a quick in-and-out kidnapping; lucky for them most of the assassins seemed occupied with something on the upper-levels, meaning they only had to take out perhaps a dozen including the target.

They are very nearly done tying up their kidnappee when they hear "Hell yeah they got a pool!" and whip their heads around just in time to see a black-haired, blue-eyed boy somewhere between their ages and wearing jeans and a t-shirt dive directly into the Lazarus Pit.

They both try to shout a warning, but they're already too late. He was midair before they saw him.

And now he was dead.

He looked completely uninjured, there's no way the Pit didn't kill him.

"There is no way that was a League approved outfit," Tim says, still a bit in shock. "Was that a tourist???"

"Impossible, there is no way the League would be incompetent enough to allow a mere tourist through, no matter how distracted they are," Damian shoots down, rushing up the stairs and leaving Tim to heft their would-be-kidnappee and scramble up behind him.

Damian stops at the top of the pool to look down, and Tim joins him, kidnappee thrown over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

The Lazarus water is still. No bubbles. No movement.

"Shit," Tim breathes, feeling numb.

They came all this way to keep something bad from happening only to see some guy kill himself by diving into a 'pool.'

"A pool. Why? Who looks at a bubbling, steaming, metal-smelling, miscolored vat of liquid in the middle of what he has to have noticed is the sketchiest building ever and thinks it's a pool!?"

Tim hears Damian's tut over his own internal screaming.

"There is nothing we can do for him," he shakes his head, turning to Tim. "Let's move-"

The surface of the water breaks not three feet from them. The diver shakes the Lazarus water from his head and wipes his eyes, calm-as-you-please, before he looks up at them.

"Yo," he says, swimming over to rest his folded arms on the edge of the Pit.

He makes no move to get out, just treading water.

In the Lazarus Pit.

"So like, do you guys have beef with the ninjas or something?" He asks into ensuing silence.

Tim barely restrains himself from mouthing 'ninjas.'

Damian, on the other hand, snaps out of his shock.

"Who are you and how did you get in here?" he asks. Important questions, given that the task isn't something just anyone could achieve.

Not even taking into account the fact that the guy is using a Lazarus. Pit. Like it's a damn kiddy pool.

"Danny, nice to meet you!" he smiles, feet splashing slightly in the water behind him. Tim and Damian flinch at the spray that hits no a foot from them. "I was brought here. Bashed over the head, strapped to a table. You know how it is. I ruined a lot of Old Dude's paperwork, though, so I think we're almost even. You?"

"We don't have a lot of time," Tim rushes to explain, "They'll only be distracted up there for so long but those aren't 'ninjas.' They're assassins. We're here following a lead on a change in their activity. The 'Old Dude' is named Ra's Al Ghul, he's the leader of all of the assassins and if you actually damaged any of his belongings he and his entire organization are going to do everything in their power to kill you."

Not that Tim was sure he'd succeed, given the guy was still just chilling in a Lazarus Pit. And also snorted at the warning.

But he was likely connected to the changes in LoA activity, making him a lead - on top of, apparently, a kidnapping victim.

They needed to go, but Tim has a feeling the case will be easier to solve if he comes with them.

"Look, even if you can handle yourself, it doesn't mean you have to. We know the way out, we're leaving now. Come with us; we'll make sure you get home safely," he offers, holding out his free hand.

"Taking me home already? I don't even know your name," the diver - Danny - flashes a cocky grin.

"Red Robin," he answers, trying to stomp down the blush that wants to crawl up his neck to his face.

"Yum."

The blush wins.

Damian grabs Danny's hand, nudging Tim out of the way "so you don't drop the suspect. Tch" and introducing himself as "Robin."

It's a flimsy excuse but Tim shakes his head and ignores it.

"Towels?" he asks, hoping Damian will remember where they are - he really doesn't want to get Lazarus water in the batplane.

"No need!" Danny chirps, and when they looks back to him he is...completely dry.

"...Right. Let's go."

They make it out of the building and to the batplane, shockingly enough, without seeing anyone else.

---------------------

Danny follows the bird-themed strangers out of the castle. Normally he would be so relaxed about this, but it's summer break. He can kill afford to kill a day or two in a different...location. Maybe state, maybe country, maybe universe.

He shoots off an invisible duplicate to keep distracting the ninjas a few floors up, and to deliver his message. The duplicates memories rush back to him not 15 minutes later - by which point he's in a plane miles and miles away.

His copy had found a ninja on the first floor.

"I'm ready to talk," he'd said.

They lead him back to the summoning room - sans summoning symbols - where Ra's & UFL sat on floor cushions around a low table. An empty cushion opposite them awaited him.

"I apologize," Ra's says as he sits, "For the poor first impression. My men can be jumpy, and I suppose the medical room can appear a bit...startling, to the unfamiliar. I assure you we meant no disrespect."

"Mhmmm. What was with the big circle, then?" Danny continues, playing dumb.

"The ritual we performed claimed it was designed to summon the Lord of the Dead. Of course, I should have known such a feat could not be nearly so simple. You are...an emissary, I presume?"

"Or something," Danny flash a sharp grin and green eyes. "Tell you what? You want the Lord of the Dead to hear you out? I'll make it happen."

Ra's and UFL perk up just slightly at that, but Danny holds up a hand before they can say anything.

"But first," he drawls, leaving a slight pause to build suspense. "You have to come find me and finish our game of tag. If you manage to tag me within the next three days I'll give you the meeting you want. If not, I'll come back here on day four and you'll have to send me back, with no reward."

He made sure to emphasize the 'you' while staring at Ra's, who wastes no time leaping the table to tap him.

'Danny' only laughs.

"Only the real me counts, Ra's. But to be fair, I won't use dupes after this one is done is delivering this message." And he is so, so glad his original will retain the memory of the look on his face. Surprised Pikachu: assassin edition is honestly hilarious. "I'll even give you a hint: I flew away with a pair of robins."

With that, 'Danny' disappears, flying away to join back up with his original.

Dp x DC prompt

Damian and Tim are in a League of Shadows base, preparing to capture and question a guard to find out more information they were lacking when a Bruce Adoption Bait of a teen walks in, yells "Hell yeah they got a pool!" and immediately dives into the Lazarus pits in front of them. Tim and Damian are horrified. How did this teen get in? Why did he just kill himself? Why did he think the pit was a pool? Why was he hot?

[gvf-imagine]

The sweater part 2

(Josh x reader)

Trigger warning: domestic abuse!

Josh ended up texting you later that night, or technically , the next morning around 3 am. He just wanted to make sure you made it home ok, which you thought was very sweet of him. It had been a few days since you met him at the bar, the two of you had been texting ever since, he even sneaks in a phone call one night when his girlfriend was asleep and your boyfriend was out with his friends. Hearing his voice again was so nice and it took you right back to the night you met him. Conversation flowed easily with you and Josh, day by day you were learning more and more about each other. He told you he was in a band with his two brothers and friend, and promised he'd take you to a show one day. 

Tonight was different, you grab your phone in a shaken frenzy. You click on Josh’s number as you get in your car. Tears running down your face, you wait as the phone rings. You hoped he would answer and that he wasn't around his girlfriend. You felt bad calling him out of the blue , but, there was no one else you could go to. 

“Hello?” Josh answers.

Thank god.

You sniffle, happy to hear his voice. 

“Josh can- can I come over?” you ask trying your hardest not to focus on the pain. 

“Are you alright?” Josh asks immediately, he could tell something was very wrong, he could hear that you were crying and he was instantly worried. 

“No I'm not ok, I need you , I need to come over.. Can I?” you reply hurriedly. Hopefully he would say yes because you were already in your car driving nowhere in particular. 

“Uhm my girlfriend is here… could I meet you somewhere?” Josh replies, annoyed that you couldn't just come right to his house like he wanted you to. 

“Do you know where sheehan park is? Can you meet me there?” you ask a block away from said park. 

“Yes of course, ill be there in five minutes ok?” he replied, you could hear him grabbing his keys in the background and shuffling to put his shoes on.

“Ok thank you” you say pulling into the park's parking lot. You hang up and tip your head back resting on the headrest. The blood that was coming out of your nose or maybe your mouth pooled on your face.

Your boyfriend found your phone and seen you had been texting Josh for the past few days, flirting even. He was so angry , so angry. His face was red and looked like he was about to explode, and he did. For the first time in your relationship with him , he got physical with you. He punched you multiple times in the face, one of your eyes was swollen shut and your lips felt like they were on fire, you almost couldn't drive your car but you had to get away from him. It felt good to finally relax, knowing help was coming, knowing Josh was coming. You worried about how he would react to the whole situation. You're Not his responsibility after all what was he really supposed to do?

You heard the crunching of gravel as a car pulled up next to yours, your vision was blurry, and you felt tired, struggling to keep your eye open. 

You hear your car door rip open in a hurry.

“Y\n! Y\n! What happened? What happened to you?!” Josh asked hectically. He grabbed you , wrapping his arm around your shoulder and his other arm looped under your legs as he scooped you gently from your car. 

“he .. seen my phone” you whisper , falling out of consciousness. 

“Hey hey you gotta stay awake, don't fall asleep” Josh urges as he sets you in his back seat. He knew you most likely had a concussion and that falling asleep could cause lots of issues. 

You tried your hardest to keep yourself awake. 

“That FUCKERRRR!!!!!!!” Josh screamed as he slammed his door shut and sent his fist into his steering wheel causing his horn to go off. 

He was pissed, how could that fucking asshole put his hands on you. He would pay for this. Soon the car was moving, trees and buildings past your window, which Josh had rolled down hoping the cold air would help keep you awake. 

Minutes later he pulls into a driveway and runs up to the front door, you watch as another man steps out. Josh begins frantically talking to him and then both of them run to you. 

“Y\n this is my brother Jake, we’re gonna take you inside ok?” Josh explains. You simply nod, the blood on your face was clotted now and stopped other blood from coming out. 

“Jesus Christ” you hear Jake say sympathetically. They carried you through the front door and laid you lightly on the couch. Josh dropped to your side examining your wounds. 

“Jakey get me a wash cloth and warm water” Josh speaks.

‘Hey hey hey we gotta call the cops” Jake responds urgently .

“No don't” you protest softly. 

“What do you mean DON'T? He hit you y\n, he could have killed you ! he needs to be in jail” Josh replies. He grabs his phone and begins to report the incident to the police. Josh knew there was something off about your boyfriend and now he was cursing himself, he felt like what happened to you was his fault, he shouldn't have texted you. 

Jake comes to you and gently washes your face, the warm water felt so good against your painful bruises and cuts. You wince a little as he goes over your swollen eye. 

“I'm so sorry , but we have to get this cleaned so it doesn't get infected ok? My name's Jake, what's yours?” he says, hoping conversation will keep you awake. 

“I'm y\n” you reply, trying to ignore the sting of the peroxide Jake put on your face. 

“It's nice to meet you y\n, unfortunate circumstances, but don't worry the cops are gonna get that bastard, you're safe now with me and josh” 

Josh walks back in the room and for the first time you were able to actually get a good look at him now that Jake cleared the blood from your eyes. He was all dressed up, he looked nice. 

“Why are you dressed up?” you ask , Josh looks down at himself and waves it off. 

“I had a date with my girlfriend tonight but” he replies and shakes his head. 

“Oh I’m sorry Josh, I didn't know you had a date .. I should go” you say trying to get up.

“No no no” Josh says lightly pressing you down by your shoulders.

“Stay here tonight, Jake , Sam and Danny will take care of you”  he says. 

“Josh I can't impose like that” you reply. 

“I wasn't asking you y\n , you're staying here, I'd let you stay at my house but my girlfriend is there”  he implores with a soft tone. He was worried about you and knew you didn't have anywhere else to go that was safe. 

“I'll go on my date, i'll make it a short  night and get back here as soon as I can” he speaks. 

“No Josh , take your time, enjoy your night, I'll be ok” you replied, you didn't want his evening to be ruined because of you. 

“Call me if you need anything, anything at all ok?” he asks looking down at you, you simply nod, he offers you a sad smile before saying goodbye. He walks out the door and leaves you with Jake and your thoughts. 

“Danny!” Jake calls as he turns on the TV. 

A man with lovely dark hair jogs down the stairs, his  face falling with worry and confusion when he sees you. 

“Hey…whats up?” he asks as his eyes move from you to Jake. 

“This is y\n she's staying with us for a while, her car is at sheehan park, I need you to come with me to get it for her” Jake explains with a sigh. He was stressed, he'd never seen a girl beat up by a  man. He felt bad, his heart broke for you. 

Danny knew what had happened to you just by the look in Jake's eyes. 

“Did Josh go after him?” Danny asks, noticing Josh’s absence. 

“No he has a date with Audrey” Jake answers, grabbing his keys off the table. 

“Where are your keys, love?” he asks looking at you now.

“They're on the table” you reply nodding in the general direction. 

“Ok we're going to go get your car, if you need anything Sam is just upstairs just yell for him ok? Well be back in a few minutes” Jake says before him and Danny walk out the door. 

The second the door shuts all you want to do is sleep, you were warm, comfortable and safe. You were even happy, despite the hell you'd just been through, you were closer to josh now which made you feel so much better. 

You couldn't stay at Jake's house forever though, you'd need to figure something out, tomorrow though… Tonight , you rest.

[dukereviewsxtra]

Duke Reviews Extra: Duke's Top 15 Favorite TV Christmas Episodes

Hi, Everyone, I'm Andrew Leduc And Welcome To Another Duke Reviews Xtra Where Today We Continue Duke's Yultide Reviews...

And As You Know We're Reviewing Christmas Movies And Specials Every Sunday In November And December But There's One Thing That I'm Unable To Review Without Looking At A Series First On Duke Reviews Tv And That's Christmas Episodes And On Today's Top 15 I'm Counting Down My Top 15 Favorites..

With A Few Rules For Myself And My Audience With The First Being One Christmas Episode Per Show Otherwise I'd Be Talking About Every Home Improvement Christmas Episode And Every Glee Christmas Episode Because They're That Good Of Episodes And I Watch Them Every Year During The Holidays But I Might Merit A Mention Or 2 Throughout The Countdown...

Also No Bad Comments Please, This Is My List And It's What I Like, So If You Don't Have Anything Nice To Say, Just Don't Say It At All. Now, On With The Countdown...

15. Mighty Morphin Power Rangers "I'm Dreaming Of A White Ranger"

Go Ahead, I'm Ready...

This Episode Sees The Power Rangers Celebrating Christmas At Ernie's But Lord Zedd And Rita Repulsa Have Evil Plans For The Holidays As They Send Goldar And Rito Revolto To Kidnap Santa And Take Over His Workshop So They Can Have The Elves Mass Produce Lord Zedd's Evil Christmas Toy That Will Enslave The Minds Of All The Children Of The World...

This Episode Has Gotten Alot Of Flack As One Of The Series Worst Episodes But Unlike The Power Rangers Zeo Christmas Episode, I Kind Of Like This One...

It Captures The Right Amount Of Christmas Spirit For Kids While Also Keeping Some Of That Power Ranger Magic Even Without The Suits Which Leads Me To Say See It...

14 Smallville "Lexmas"

This Episode Sees Lex Considering Whether To Have Someone He Knows Get Fake Or Damaging Information On Jonathan Kent In An Attempt To Ruin His Campaign For Senator But When Lex Is Shot By The Navy Thunder Ranger (Seriously It's The Same Actor Who Played That) He Falls Into A Coma And Is Visited By The Ghost Of His Mother Who Shows Lex What His Life Would Be Like If He Frees Himself From His Father. Meanwhile, Clark Helps Chloe Deliver Presents For The Daily Planet..

This Episode Is An Interesting What If Episode...

It's Shows Us What Lex's Life Could Be Even If He Makes The Wrong Choice In The End Either Way I Say See It...

13 The Brady Bunch "The Voice Of Christmas"

In This Classic Episode Of The Brady Bunch, Carol Gets A Case Of Laryngitis, And May Not Be Able To Sing At The Holiday Service This Year But When Cindy Goes To Ask Santa To Give Her Mom Her Voice Back For Christmas...

(Start At 1:47, End At 2:37)

Carol Gets Her Voice Back Via Christmas Miracle And Manages To Sing For The Christmas Service...

(Start At 0:33, End At 2:12)

It Was Hard Placing This So Low But That's Mainly Because There Are So Much Better Christmas Episodes Than This Now...

But It Is A Very Memorable Episode Of The Series And I Can't Help But Remember It When I Look Back At The Brady Bunch And I Definitely Say Give It A Watch...

12. Family Guy "Road To The North Pole"

This Episode Sees The Griffins And All Of Quahog Getting Ready For Christmas, But When A Mall Santa Blows Off Stewie, He Makes It His Mission To Kill Santa Claus. Going To The North Pole With Brian The Dog, They Discover That All The Years Of Lists And Demands From Us Have Practically Killed Santa Claus And If Something Isn't Done, Christmas As We Know It Will Be Gone Forever...

This Episode Has A Great Storyline...

The Songs Are Great And I Can't Help But Sing Along With It Every Year But Despite Some Scenes Being Funny Others Aren't But Either Way It's Still A Fun Christmas Episode And I Say See It...

11. Glee "Extraordinary Merry Christmas"

This Was A Hard Decision To Make As This And The Season 2 Episode "A Very Glee Christmas" Are Both Good Episodes, But This Is Mainly On The List Because Of It's Storyline...

This Episode Sees Sue Recruiting New Directions To Perform For A Bunch Of Homeless People At Homeless Shelter Where She'll Be Volunteering, But When The Glee Club Gets An Opportunity To Create A Holiday Special For PBS With The Paraplegic Artie As Director, The Glee Club Jumps At The Opportunity To Do It To Sue's Dismay...

With Artie Making The Special As A Homage To The Judy Garland Christmas Special And (Sighs) The Star Wars Holiday Special, It Leads To A Special With An Interesting Storyline And Great Songs And I Can't Help But Say See It...

10. Full House "Our First Christmas Show"

I Realize That There Are Some People (Namely The Nostalgia Critic) Who Hate The Tanners But I Can't Help But Love This Episode...

This Episode Sees The Tanner Family Headed To Colorado For The Holidays But When Their Flight Is Forced To Land Until Tomorrow (Which Is Christmas Day) It Has Stephanie Upset That Santa Won't Find Her And It Has DJ Upset When Danny Tells Her That The Presents Are Missing...

But When Jessie Makes A Speech That Unites Everyone Together...

(Start At 1:27, End At 2:39)

They Just May Have The Merriest Christmas Ever...

This Is A Fantastic Christmas Episode With A Great Message That's Definitely Worth A Watch...

09.Friends "The One With The Holiday Armidillo"

While This Is More Of A Hanukkah Episode, It's One Of My Favorites To Watch During The Holidays...

This Episode Sees Ross Wanting To Introduce His Son Ben (Played By Riverdale's Jughead) To Hanukkah But Ben Loves Christmas So Much That It Botches All Of His Attempts But When He Tries One More Time It Leads To A Funny Scene...

This Episode May Be Friends Only Memorable Christmas Episode But It's One Of Their Best And I Can't Help But Say See It...

08. The Flash "Running To Stand Still"

While The Arrowverse Uses Their Christmas Episodes To Introduce The Big Bad Of The Seasons, This One Doesn't And Is Just Focuses Something That Happens Around The Holidays In Central City...

This Episode Sees Weather Wizard Busting Out Captain Cold And The Trickster (Played By Mark Hamill) Out Of Jail So They Can Finish Off The Flash After He Was Nearly Beaten To Death By The Big Bad Of That Season, Zoom. With Captain Cold Passing On The Offer (Only To Go To Legends Of Tomorrow Which Premiered The Following Year) Weather Wizard And The Trickster Team Up To Fight The Flash With The Trickster Going All Out For The Holidays...

This Episode Is Full Of Both Action And Comedy From Both Hamill's Trickster And Miller's Captain Cold, Who Gets Kind Of A Precursor To His Role On Legends In This Episode When He Talks With Barry About Weather Wizard And Trickster And Barry Tells Cold To Help Him Stop Them Only For Cold To Tell Barry That He's Not Interested In Being A Hero When That's What He Ends Up Becoming On Legends Because Barry Inspired Him. Also This Episode Introduces Wally West To The Series Who Would Eventually Become Kid Flash Either Way It's A Great Episode And I Say See It...

07. Doctor Who "The Snowman"

This Episode Sees The 11th Doctor Mourning The Loss Of His 2 Companions, Amy Pond And Rory Williams To Both The Marvel Cinematic Universe And The CW's Arrowverse

But He Is Soon Forced Into Action When A Governess Named Clara Oswin Oswald Investigates Living Snowmen Who Are Being Brought To Life By The Great Intelligence (Voiced By Sir Ian Mckellan) With The Help Of A Man Named Dr. Simeon...

What Can I Say About This Episode? It's The Doctor Vs. An Army Of Snowmen And It's Just Awesome, Plus The Acting In It Is Fantastic, You Can Honestly Feel The Doctor's Pain Over Losing Rory And Amy But When Clara Comes In, It's Like He's A New Man Plus In This Episode We Get A New Interior For The Tardis That Would Soon End Up Belonging To The 12th Doctor As Matt Smith Was Leaving Soon And They Would Find A Replacement In Peter Capaldi, Still It's A Fantastic Episode And I Say See It...

06. Everybody Loves Raymond "The Toaster"

This Was A Hard Decision To Make As Most Of The Everybody Loves Raymond Christmas Episodes Are Pretty Good But I Felt That What Happens In This Episode Happens More Often To Some People...

In This Episode, Ray And Debra Get Personalized Toasters For Their Family And Friends For Christmas, But Despite Ray's Brother, Robert And Debra's Parents Loving The Toasters, Ray's Parents, Frank And Marie, End Up Taking It Back To The Store And Switch It Out For A Coffee Machine...

Realizing That Their Son Is Upset With Them, They Return To The Store To Try To Get It Back...

This Episode Is Funny, What Happens When Ray Finds Out That Marie And Frank Traded In The Toaster For A Coffee Machine Is Freaking Hysterical And That Scene Where Marie Tells Frank That She's Not Just A Trophy Wife Is Also Funny And I Say See It...

05. Batman: The Animated Series "Christmas With The Joker"

This Episode Sees The Joker Escaping From Arkham Asylum To Pirate The TV Airwaves With His Own Christmas Special...

(Start At 1:27, End At 2:06)

Where He Causes Trouble Not Just For Batman And Robin But All Of Gotham As He Kidnaps Commissioner Gordon, Detective Bullock And News Reporter Summer Gleason...

While This Is The First Appearance Of The Best Joker Of All Time, This Episode Is Filled With Action, Christmas Cheer, And Comedy That's Mainly Done By Hamill's Joker And I Definitely Say See It...

04. Two And A Half Men "Walnuts And Demerol"

This Episode Has Charlie About To Have Sex With A Girl Named Gloria But When All Of His Family And Friends Come Over It Goes From A Date Which Is Leading To Coitus To A Funny Christmas Party Despite Charlie Telling Everyone That It's Not A Christmas Party...

Between This And The Episode "Santa's Village Of The Damned" This Was Another Hard Decision...

This Episode Is Funny, With The Stuff Berta Says In This Episode, Candy Playing The Piano And The Surprise Twist In The Episode (Yes, There's A Surprise Twist) It's A Good Episode And I Say See It...

03. Frasier "Frasier Grinch"

This Episode Sees Frasier Crane Preparing To Spend The Holidays With His Father And His Son Fredrick, But When He Wrong Box Of Toys Him And Niles Have To Get Fredrick The Presents He Ordered On Christmas Eve At A Toy Store...

This Episode Is Very Funny I Absolutely Love The Scenes Where Fraiser Is Trying To Tell His Annual Christmas Story To His Viewers Only To Be Interrupted By "Bulldog" Briscoe And Gil Chesterton Who Bring In A Stripper To Distract Frasier From Telling His Boring Story And When Frasier Comes Home To His Penthouse Apartment To See That His Father Has Turned His Apartment Into Santa's Winter Wonderland For Fredrick, Either Way, It's A Good Episode And I Say See It...

02. Home Improvement "Twas The Night Before Chaos"

Again With Alot Of Good Home Improvement Christmas Episodes This Was A Hard Decision To Make...

The Taylor Family Spend Christmas With Tim's Brother, Marty, His Wife And Their Newborn Babies But When Jill's Parents Also Come Over For The Holidays, Jill Notices That They're Defiantly Not Getting Along As Ever Since Her Father, The Colonel (Played By The Same Guy Who Was Tim's Older Neighbor In Christmas With The Kranks) Retired From The Army, He Hasn't Done Anything Except Watch Patton In His Den Over And Over Again

And Jill's Mom Thought That Once He Retired That They Would See The World...

If Roseanne Was Good At Halloween, Then Home Improvement Did Christmas Just As Good, From Tim's Lighting Contest Fights With Their Proctologist Neighbor, Doc Johnson To Tool Time Around The Holidays These Episodes Are Funny And This One Is No Exception And I Definitely Say See It...

Before We Get To Our Number One Let's Look At The Top 5 Runners Up That We Wanted To Add But Just Couldn't...

05. X-Men "Have Yourself A Morlock Little X-Mas

The X-Men Celebrate Christmas Together However When The Morlocks Ask The X-Men To Save Their Youngest Member, Wolverine Has To Make A Decision Whether To Use His Blood To Save Him Or Not...

04. Mystery Science Theatre 3000 "The Christmas That Almost Wasn't"

Between This And The Santa Claus Conquers The Martians Episode, This Was A Hard Decision To Make...

The Team Aboard The Satellite Of Love Is Forced By KInga Forrester And Her Partner Max, Tv's Son Of Tv's Frank To Watch A Movie Called The Christmas That Almost Wasn't Which Sees Santa Claus Asking A Lawyer To Help Him Deal With A Miserly Land Owner Named Prune, Who Will Own Santa's Home Unless He Pays Him Back His Entire Debt He Owes By Christmas Eve Or Gives Him All Of The Christmas Presents As Collateral Which Would Destroy Christmas As We Know It...

03. The Monkees "Our Christmas Show"

The Monkees Look After A Rich Kid (Played By Eddie Munster) Who Believes Christmas Is A Waste Of Time So, The Group Tries To Get The Kid Into The Christmas Spirit...

02. The Real Ghostbusters "X-Mas Marks The Spot"

The Ghostbusters Accidentally Go Into A Time Portal To Victorian England And Accidentally Capture The Ghosts Of Past, Present And Future Which In Turn Creates A Grim Future Where Christmas No Longer Exists And Everyone Acts Like Ebenezer Scrooge And The Only Way To Fix This Is To Get The Ghosts Out Of The Containment Grid And Place Them Back Where They Were With Scrooge...

01. Kim Possible "A Very Possible Christmas"

As Kim Spends Christmas With Her Family And Her Grandma, Ron And Rufus Take An Assignment To Deal With Dr. Drakken's Latest Attempt To Take Over The World As A Secret Santa Gift For Kim, But When The Mission Goes Wrong With Ron, Rufus And Drakken Stranded At The North Pole, It's Up To Kim And Her Family To Rescue Them Before Shego Gets There...

And Now Onto Our Number One Favorite Christmas TV Episode...

01. The Big Bang Theory "The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis"

This Episode Sees Penny Getting Sheldon A Christmas Present Which Forces Him To Get A Christmas Gift For Penny With The Help Of Raj And Howard, Stopping By Bed Bath And Beyond, Sheldon Decides To Get Penny A Gift Basket Of Bath Items But Not Knowing What Size, Sheldon Decides To Buy A Boatload Of Them And Give Penny The Correct Basket Depending On The Size Of The Gift, So, When Christmas Morning Comes Around This Happens...

#1 (Start At 0:41, End At 1:54) #2 (Start At 2:38, End At 3:19)

This Episode Is The Most Hilarious Christmas Episode I Have Ever Seen And That Is Because Of Jim Parsons' Sheldon Cooper And How He Handles Christmas Or Saturnalia....

(Start At 0:08, End At 0:40)

And Because Of That, I Say See It...

Till Next Time, This Is Duke, Signing Off...

[eamesandbellamyaremyheaven]

Family Comes First Ch2 - Hawaii 5-0

Chapter One ||

Summary: Chicago PD Officer Maggie James was visiting her long-time friend - and mentor - Lou Grover when suddenly his daughter Samantha is kidnapped. Racing against the clock - and against the law - the two must find a way to steal 100 million dollards to pay Ian Wright in exchange for Samantha’s life.

Pairings: Eventually Steve x Oc, father!grover x daughter!oc, ohana being cute and mcdanno being na old married couple

Word Count: 1513

Warnings: Bad writing maybe? (sorry about that)

A/N: I’m start by saying this - I don’t know what I’m doing. I love H50, I love to write, but I’m terrible at it, not to mention slow af. Maybe, if I feel inspired, you can expect a new chapter every week - maybe two. Give me your feedback, it helps a ton.

Chapter Two

Ian’s team were finishing gear up, and Lou was getting impatient “Anybody gonna tell me what the plan is?”

“The plan is that you follow our lead and shut up. Then maybe you and your kids get to walk away.” one of the man spoke out. He was definitely the one in charge.

“Okay. So just to be clear, anything happens to my daughter, or to Maggie, I'm going to kill you. Then I'm going to find everything you love, and I'm gonna kill that, too.” 

Lou threatened, but the man seemed unfazed. Another one walked behind Lou, hitting him in the head with the handle of a riffle, knocking him to the ground. He grunted in pain, and as Maggie promptly help him up, the boss-man order to load up.

Maggie was ordered to drive the truck, being held at gunpoint by one of the man, while Lou was out in the back with the boss-man and the rest of the crew. She was given only directions, when to turn, and they were on the road for a while when the radio-com stated out loud “All central units to Honolulu International. Suspicious package found in Terminal 3 rear baggage area. Airport evac and lockdown in progress.”

The boss-man responded “This is SWAT, 10-4, proceeding. ETA, approximately three minutes.”

*** 

Soon they were at the airport, were they were allowed inside fairly easy, and as the government vehicles rounded the plane the anxiety was kicking in. With no doubt those man were willing to kill her, and Lou, and all those agents out there just to get their hands on that money, and Samantha would die all the same. No matter what the scenario was, they were going to lose. She was stripped from her handgun and given empty weapons, but luckily she managed to hide her knife in the side of her boot.

They exited the vehicle, and in a second the fake SWAT team had their guns pointed at the Five-0 “Put your weapons down! Down! Down!”

“Hey, hey, hey! What the hell is going on?” A man asked, and by his voice Maggie knew him to be McGarrett 

“There's no bomb threat” Lou said “That's just a diversion to get at that truck.” 

“Story time's over. Get their weapons.” Boss-man ordered, nodding at Maggie

“I'm sorry, Steve. It's got to be this way.” Lou sadly apologize, as he took the man’s guns while Maggie did the other three. The short, blond guy shot her a reproving look as she did so, which was very amusing, midst the seriousness of the whole situation. As soon as she handed the guns, both she and Lou had each one a gun pointed at them. 

“Where is it!?” the boss-man asked McGarrett

“What are you talking about?”

“What am I talking about?” he pulled McGarrett closer to the back of the truck, which was empty “Where's the money?”

“I don't know” 

He raised the gun, pointing it straight at McGarrett chest “That money didn't just disappear! So where is it!”

“You keep asking me the same question, it's the same answer: I don't know. The last time we saw it, it was in this truck. Now, that's the truth.”

Blondie spoke, this time “Hey, listen, we were briefing SWAT when that money was getting loaded in that van. Novak had plenty of time to do something shady.”

“We wouldn't know about it, all right?” McGarrett finished 

“You're lying, and I'm done asking!” boss-man held McGarrett by his shirt and held the gun against his throat “You got three seconds to tell me where that money is. One two…”

Now it was time to act. Maggie swiftly raised her elbow, hitting her assailant in the face, while simultaneously pushing his gun down and away from her. She then reached for the hem of her boot, pulling the knife out and skillfully throwing it at the boss-man, hitting him in arm, which allowed McGarrett to overpower him, and then use his own gun to take down the other man.

Maggie had already knocked out her attacker and reached for his gun, and then she shot the man holding Lou.

“Are you alright?” Lou asked, reaching for her arm and pulling her close. He then turned to McGarrett “Man, I'm sorry-- they got my daughter.”

“Who has your daughter?” the girl from Five-0 asked

“Ian Wright” 

“What?! That hacker kid who disappeared six months ago?”

“That's right.” Lou replied

“Are you sure it's him?” McGarrett asked, and Lou showed him his phone

“He sent this to me from my daughter's phone. And that money is the only thing keeping my daughter alive!”

“What about her?” McGarrett asked, looking directly at Maggie, while getting a better hold on his handgun “She’s with Ian?”

Before Maggie could say anything, Lou stepped in front of her “She’s my daughter”

“Your what!?” Blondie laughed “How how, how did you do that?”

“I’m adopted, you idiot!” Maggie hissed, and before anyone could say another word, Lou’s phone started to ring on McGarrett’s hand “That's him” 

“Answer it.” McGarrett handed it to Lou, but he refused “I can't” 

“Take the call-- buy yourself some time, okay?” Blondie said “Please?” 

Lou answered the phone “Yeah? Nothing happened. I'm getting your money just like you asked!” he turned to the team “He can see us. Look, your guys panicked! They got anxious, and things got out of hand.”

Maggie searched the skies, looking out for a place where Ian could see them.

“Ian. Commander McGarrett.” Maggie looked back at the man, he was now on the phone with Ian “Ian, let Samantha go. You want a hostage, come take me... Ian, listen to me, the money's gone. It's all over.”

Ian must’ve ended the call, because McGarrett was setting the phone down.

“I called Novak three times; he's not picking up.” the Asian-looking said

“We find Novak, we find that money.”

***

By now, Lou, Commander McGarrett, the Blondie Detective Danny Williams and Chin Ho Kelly had gone to Novak’s hotel room looking for a sign of him, while Maggie accompanied Kono Kalakaua to the Five-0 Headquarters. 

“So... you live in the mainland?” Kono asked, while she worked on the smart table, looking for intel on Novak “What do you do for a living?”

Maggie raised her head from her laptop “I work for the Chicago PD. Well, I think I do, don’t know anymore…” 

“What do you mean?”

“I help Lou stole a SWAT vehicle, I impersonated a SWAT agent, not to mention I have two bodies I can’t explain” Maggie looked down to the screen, trying to avoid Kono’s gaze “I mean I’m screwed, but as long as Samantha’s back safe, I’m okay with that. Family comes first”

Kono smiled sympathetically, until something on the screen caught her attention “Maggie, can you activate a GPS signal? I’ll send it your way”

“On it”

Kono called McGarrett on speaker “Novak rented a panel van two days ago. He signed the paperwork using an alias from his days as a DoD operative.”

“Panel van? Plenty of room to stash a hundred million in a panel van.” he replied

“But there's a silver lining, 'cause the rental car company has an anti-theft device on the truck, which Maggie is activating now.”

They were on their way, while Maggie gave directions of streets she knew nothing about. Oh boy…

“Stay on Pu'uhale, take a left on Auiki, then take a sharp left onto Sand Island Access Road. Make a left. The vehicle is stationary. Address is 1610.”

“We got Novak's van.” McGarrett stated

All Maggie could do was to listen whatever information they would give out through the coms. And from the look of it, they were without luck.

“It's not over” she heard McGarrett say

“It's not?” Lou shouted “You see any money in there? Because I don't! And without that money, my daughter is just as good as dead!” 

Maggie heard the van door being slammed hard. She called Lou, but he didn’t reply. 

“Okay Commander, what do we do now?”

Taglist is open!

[unqueenlybiscuits]

K-pop hates your nasally tone.

fuck you and your cow

You Don't Mess With The Zohan Script

   You don't mess with the Zohan!  Come disco.  No, no, no.I no disco, I make the fish.  Danny, come on, go disco.  Oh, okay. Disco!  Danny, that looks good. You're gonnabe a hit at your bar mitzvah.  So okay, Mr. Big Penachim,I no see you disco.  No, no, no. I making dagim.I no disco.  A real man, he can discoand cooking dagim.  So let's go.  Go, go.  I get the hummus for you.  And for you.  Little for me, eh!  No.  No.  Kapara, what is going on!  Just some bullshit-uchen.  Let's go!  Hey, I'm on vacation here.Can't you see this!  You promised me time off.Get someone else to do it.  Are they gonna hurt him!  No one can hurt the Zohan.  - Bye, Zohan.- Take care, man.  The terrorist known as Phantom...  ...was spotted yesterday at aHacky Sack tournament in Beirut.  He may be have been trying tobait us by surfacing briefly.  We believe he's being kept in a safehouse on the Lebanon border.  How is we lose Phantom!  Didn't I capture Phantomthree months ago!  What, you didn't hearabout the trade!  What trade!  Zohan, we gave back the Phantom.  No!  What do you mean,we give back the Phantom!  Zohan, relax.  It was a good trade.We got back Etan and David.  That's all we gotfor a veteran terrorist!  Come on, we got hosed here.  They threw in a spyto be named later.  Come on, Zohan,you have to like that deal.  Maybe they're talking about Ze'ev.  Ze'ev.Come on, he's not even a good spy.  He got caught, for God's sake.He's a stupid.  Our plan is to enter the building fromthe front with a team of eight men...  ...with an additional 12 menat perimeter positions.  Unfortunately, there is a highprobability of collateral damage...  ...including property and loss of life,on both sides.  Okay, here we go.  Excuse me!  Come on, is it not saferto send one man into building...  ...with minimal coverageto take out the target...  ...instead of blowing uphalf the neighborhood!  Well, who would do that!  Oh, "who would do that!"  You know you weregoing to ask the Zohan.  Zohan, why you say this!  I just laid out an entire planwhich didn't rely on you.  Come on, Yaron,you're setting me up.  All this talk of civilian casualties,then of course I end up doing it.  - But I'm not even asking you to do it.- All right, I'll do it.  Give me Avi and Koby as watch,I'll get it done without the mess.  Well, thank you. You didn't have to.  Oh, I didn't have to, bullschlassah.  Have some Fizzy Bubblech.  "Kiwi watermelon"! Yeah, is good.  "Avalon."  Chunky cuts.  Zohan, what are you doing!The girls are here.  I know, I was watching television.  Well, if you want to have fun with us,we're right next door.  - Good with the sticky, you should do it.- No, no, no.  I am going to dinner with my parents.Just leave me alone.  - All right, all right.- It is all right!  You don't giggle at the Zohan.  You hear me!No giggling at the Zohan.  You never giggle at the Zohan.  What's the matter, tatele?  You haven't touchedyour baba ganoush.  What would you think if I tell you...  ...I want to leaving the army,start a new life!  Why would you do that!You are good at it. It's steady pay.  You can't leave,you're one of their best.  Besides, you are too oldto take a risk.  Stay in the army, play it safe.  There's other things I can dobesides war.  You don't war.  - I was in the real war.- I know, I know the story.  1967.  We were surrounded on all sides,outnumbered.  - And in six days, we...- And in six days, we won.  You won. I'm sorry,I don't have a big, fancy war...  ...that lasted all of six days...  Six days and five hours.Your generation likes to forget that.  Dad, I've done so muchfor the country. When does it end!  They've been fighting for 2000 years.It can't be much longer.  All of my friends servedthe minimum three years.  Why can't I move on!Do something else.  Something more creative.  Creative, what!  You've caught so many terrorists,it's an art.  You're like Rembrandtwith a grenade.  What will you do!  Maybe go to America.  What, and haggle overstereo equipment!  Wait a minute, Ya'acov.  Uncle Levi will set you upat electronic store.  You make money, sow yourcreative oats, you come back.  No, I don't want to doelectronics store.  Then how will you make money!  I don't want to say.  Zohan, if you can't tell your parents,who can you tell!  Come, Zohanele.  I want to cut...  ...and style hair.  You... You fagala?  He's fag... Faga...  I like hair. It's pleasant,it's peaceful, no one gets hurt.  Well, you're only diggingthat fagala hole deeper and deeper.  Hello, down there!Hello, in the fagala hole.  Maybe he wants Vaseline.  Yes, it's so funny.  I just want to make peoplesilky smooth.  You know the Phantom will try to run,so be ready for this.  - Zohan, now!- So let's go.  The Zohan.  Freeze!  I get it, I get it,you guys don't like our country.  So we are the bad ones.  I'd love to sit and discuss thiswith you, but I'm short on time.  I'm just saying.It's not so cut-and-dry.  We settled herefor hundreds of years!  Good point.  None of my ancestors ever steppedfoot in this land. No, you're right.  Hey, don't walk away!  Come out, come out,wherever you are.  Hello, jackass.  You think you can oppress my people,landgrabber!  But I will never disappear.  No one can catch Phantom!  So let's go.  Very good.  Sorry. It's for the cause.  Zohan.  Zohan, bring it.  Why you do this! I feel no pain.  No, no, no. I feel no pain.  - I feel no pain. This is too much...- No, no, no. I feel no pain.  I have told you in other fights.  No, no, no. I kill you right now.  Look, look, look.  The piranha,it looks very painful for you.  Is good, is good.  Is very nice. Yes, yes.  Fizzy Bubblech for me.  You like what you see!  Time to die.  So let's go.  Okay, game over.  Yeah!  I kill!  I kill the Zohan!  Zohan is dead.  The Phantom!  Cutting the hair,this makes something beautiful.  Instead of shooting it.  That's why I had to fake to die.  I could have captured Phantom again,but for what! They trade him.  I love my country,but the fighting, it never ends.  It's like Mr. Scrappy, you bite Coco.  Coco, you bite him back.  Soon you are both having worms,eating your own poopech...  I understand. The pills.  Your parents thinkthey know what's best for you.  Sleep.  It's all about not getting recognized.  I know how great I lookedin the beard...  but I'll make this work for me,you'll see.  Rise and shine, guys.Good morning.  Is nice, huh!  It's the Avalon.  It says I care about the way I look,but I'm still approachable.  Oh, you like this!  Who wants to go next, guys!Who wants to look silky smooth!  Yes. Yes.  Oh, where are my two little babies!Oh, come on.  Come on out, Scrappy, come on out.Come to Mama, Mr. Coco.  Mr. Scrappy. Coco.What happened!  Who gave you permissionto do this, huh!  Who did! Answer me.  Scrappy, was it you!It was you, wasn't it!  You're always the instigator.  Bad dog. You are a very bad dog.Never again are you gonna travel.  Take me to the Paul Mitchellhair salon.  - First time in New York!- Yes, my friend.  So, what brings you here!  I have a dream.  I had a dream too.  What dream you have!  My dream was to come to America...  ...and make enough moneyto send for me brothers and sisters...  ...so that we all could enjoyfreedom together.  - This is good dream.- Oh, yes, it is.  - Is dream come true!- No, man.  Me brothers and sisterswere hacked to death.  But I love the Chinese food here.It's incredible.  - Hey, you forgot these.- Those are for you, my friend.  Good morning for you.I am here to meet Mr. Paul Mitchell.  And who are you!  Scrappy Coco.I am here to take a job from him.  He isn't in right now.  That's good. So I will wait, then.  You know what! I'll takeone Fizzy Bubblech, a raspberry.  You know,he actually doesn't come in too often.  Yes, just tell him I am perfect for this,so let's go.  - I am the best.- The best at what!  All of this. The cutting, the styling,the making it silky smooth.  I wanna know who cuts your hair.  Oh, you like this, eh!  This is the Avalon,straight from the Paul Mitchell book.  I haven't seen that stylesince Luke married Laura.  Sister, are you this Laura!  You tell Paul Mitchell,Scrappy Coco was here to see him.  If I find out he was here...  ...or you are keeping himhidden from me...  ...I will destroy you.  Believe me this.  What the hell was this, champ!I'm not paying for that!  This asshole cut me off,made me swerve into you!  With all due respect,I was in the bicycle lane.  You came like a madman.Be glad nobody was hurt.  I mean, somebody could've died.I mean, you came...  Okay, real mature, sir. Real mature.  You do not want to bethrowing bicycles.  Look, stay out of my business,Mustafa.  "Mustafa"! This is not my name.Who tells you this is my name!  Whatever.Salami, bologna, apple sauce.  Apple who!  My friend, if I were you,I would change the tone.  Avoid the pain.  Listen, go back to your goddamnedpretzel stand. We got it...  - Look what I've got. It's right here.- Please!  - I've got it.- Please, let me go.  I never work at pretzel stand.You like to insult people!  Was that your feet!  Yes, it's the feet. The feet uppercut.  Here comes the double foot.  This is good.  Smell it, smell it, smell it.Now take it.  - That's for you.- All right, let me go!  You said you wanted pretzel!  Okay, I'm good.  Beautiful.  You want some chickens!  No, no, no. I fix for you.  It's all b'seder.  What are you, bionic!  No, no, no. I only like the girls.  Thanks, anyways.  This is ridiculous traffic.  Anyway, George insistedwe have the party.  - I always get midnight shift.- Could you keep it down, please!  I no sleep,I no see World Series Poker.  Are you even watching the road!  Be nice. He could be a terrorist.  - Why Hamdi no get no midnight!- Could you at least change the station!  - Hey, that was amazing.- Oh, yes.  Where are you from, anyway!  Where am I from!  Australia.  Really!Because you sound Middle Eastern.  No, no, no. Similar accents.  - Kangaroo. You see!- Sure.  This is ridiculous. We're getting out.  - Come on, dear.- I've been working longer than Hamdi.  - You want me to get you home!- No, I'll grab a cab.  You've done enough.That was crazy.  Whose lockzie do I have to schluck?  Oh, you know you're boning me.I don't know that.  It's you.  - What is happening!- What's happening!  It's bullshaklaga.  - We have to go.- Go where!  - I'll run you.- What are you doing!  This is legal!  Scrappy, have another kneidlach.Come on.  You're very nice, Mrs. Klayman.  It reminds me of my mother's cookingin Australia.  Really!It's funny, you don't sound Australian.  Yes, no, no, no.This is because I am half Australian...  ...half Mount Everest.  So this is what you're hearing.  Well, Australia,it must be really nice there...  ...since they got rid of the apartheid.  Oh, yes, the weather is much cooler.  So, Scrappy,I understand you cut hair.  I will be workingwith Mr. Paul Mitchell...  ...as soon as I find outwhere they are hiding him.  Oh, Mom, Scrappydoesn't have a place to stay yet.  - Really!- Not yet.  Well, actually,there's a nice one-bedroom...  ...that just opened up upstairs.  Nice light, not huge.  And they redid the kitchen very well.  - This could be good.- Could be good.  Could be good.  Hey, Mom,do you know where the detergent is!  - That's very good.- Oh, my God!  What! What's the matter!  What's the matter! That's my mom.  - It's okay, Michael.- I know it's your mother.  She's very beautiful.  Michael, I haven't made stickyin two days.  - What do you want from me!- Couldn't you wait till I was asleep!  - Or dead!- No, Michael.  You do... What's he doing now!  Why'd that happen!Why'd that happen!  It's okay. Let me talk to him.  Oh, I can't get up.  No, no. You'll feel your legs againin two hours.  Michael.  Come on, this is nothingto feel bad about.  Me sexing your mother.  It's beautiful. It's natural.  No, I didn't bring you hometo do it with my mother.  Why not, huh!You don't want her to be happy!  Did you see her! Did you look at her!  I don't thinkI can ever look at her again.  Michael, her faceduring the big bang-boom!  You did not see!  She was glowing.  Patches. What are you...!  Michael, come on.  They'll be plenty of timefor you and me.  Tonight, I take you to disco, huh!How's this!  No, why would I wanna goto a disco tonight!  Michael, you should go. It'd be fun!  You could use a little stank.  Yes, you need your penachimto take a swim.  Yeah, a little chicken of the sea.It wouldn't hurt.  Disco, disco.Let's do this, Michael. Yes or no!  Come on, you get to disco.  - All right, fine, I'll go to the disco.- Okay.  I do your mother one more time,and then we go.  - Wha...!- Seconds already!  Oh, yes.  Hey. Look at this.  This is what you need, man,to let off a little steam, huh!  How many times a day do youmake sticky! Two! Five! Twelve!  How many times a day!I've had sex once in my life.  It was at tennis camp.It was awful.  You're too picky, Michael.Maybe that's the problem.  Every weed in the desertis still a flower.  Look at this. This a big one, eh!  But look at the tits.These will bounce nice for you.  Your mother, she has huge poopeh.  I mean, very wide.  But what I see are two big, strong legswrapped around my head, squeezing.  So who wants to get somepoontachen?  - I wanna get some poontachen?- Well, let's get some. Yes.  It's good for you. Nice spinning.  This is what I'm talking about.You play this.  - I ain't playing this corny shit.- No, no.  I need to set themood for my friend.  Get out,you Daisy Duke-wearing motherf...  - Disco, disco.- Good, good!  - Disco, disco.- Good, good!  Yes, hello. Hello.  Hey, Zohan.  Who you looking for!  It's okay, no one can hear mein disco, Zohan.  Can you believe the poontachatin this place!  I'm not Zohan.My name is Scrappy Coco, my friend.  What!Of course you are Zohan Dvir.  They all think you dead in Israel.I'm not going to tell.  Tell what!I don't know what you're talking about.  Zohan, it's okay.Don't worry, I'm a huge fan.  The way you took outAbdullah Meda in '94.  And when you made Melami Benazireat his own shit in '97.  I can't believe I'm meeting you, man.  So, what the fachmaare you doing here!  Come with me.  Look, I couldn't takeall the fighting anymore.  - What's it all for!- Are you crazy!  If I could blow a terroristinside out like you...  ...this is all I would do.I'd never sleep.  - This is exaggeration.- No, it's not.  You made Palami Habdallah's poodlesit on a live grenade.  - You gotta show me how you did that.- I don't remember. I was young.  So tell me the truth.Why are you in America!  I no want to tell you.  What! What! Come on.  You are the best, Zohan.Whatever you say is good.  I want to be hairdresser.  You a fagala?  I can't believe it.  A great warrior, but also a fagalawith the penachim.  No, no, no. I like hair.  Come on, man, I get you real job.  You come by my shop tomorrow.  Israeli electronics. Are you crazy!  - Everyone will recognize me.- No, you don't look like same Zohan.  You have silly haircut now.  - I have what haircut!- What!  - You say I look silly!- No, no. Who said this!  - You said this.- No, no. Nobody say nothing.  I don't need your job.  I get my own job on my ownat a big salon. You will see.  You ever cut a sister's hair before!  Yes. Sister, brother, grandma,grandpa, the whole family.  I'm good at this.  Have you ever workedwith dreads before!  This is what you do.  No more. This creature slayed.  It's not a problem. Okay, he's got me.He's got me. He's got me. Okay.  Okay. So we blind him in the eyes.We got you.  And we finish him.  You back away, I take hold of him.Go! Go! Go out! Go now!  Go!  This is hair. This is hair.  Oh, okay. The joke's on me, eh!  A big part of our job hereis making this a fun experience.  Of course, of course.  For a lot of kids, this is their first cut,and it can be very frightening.  - I can imagine.- I don't want a haircut.  Get away from me.  Let me go.  Young man, look what I found here.  A nice balloon.  Do you want it! It's right here.  You shouldn't jump around...  ...when this nice woman'sholding a sharp pair of scissors.  If you move, she could slip andslice your jugular vein on accident.  There's no way to stitch the jugular.  All of your blood will be on the floorin four minutes.  I've seen this. I've done this.You don't want this.  Well, then, at least it's a good time toshave his neck. I would get him quick.  When I was your ageI already killed seven men.  Maybe you should grow up.  I promise you you won't regret.  And come back.  "Fujigawa"! I don't know that brand.It really isn't...  It's not really Fujigawa.It's Sony guts.  - Wouldn't it be better with the Sony...- Oh, no, no, no. This is what you want.  - Four-hundred fifty.- But the ad says "Sony," and "300."  No, no, no. What you going to believe,me or the ad! Four-fifty.  Hello, Going Out of Business.Can I help you!  Sony, yes. Three hundred.  Come in, yes. Very good, very good.  Hi. I represent the new ownerof this building.  Good for you. Want a birthday cake!What do you want!  Yamaha is very good.  Did you receive our letterregarding your rent!  - This I don't know.- It's being raised to 20,000 a month.  No, no, no. This is too much.  Eighty-five hundredis all we'll give you.  - This isn't negotiable. We can get...- Ten thousand, that's all.  We both go home happy.  - I'm sorry. We can't settle for less.- Okay, no deal.  You come back when youwant to deal.  - Sir, you don't understand.- Go.  What you still here for! You like me!I have girlfriend. Go.  Thank you very much.  Hey, look who's here.  Come on, not so loud.  Don't worry, Zohan.I tell you, they don't recognize you.  Yosi. This is good man.This Chocolaté Coco.  - Scrappy Coco.- Scrappy Coco.  Cooking Who-co!  Yes, yes.  So you're going out of business!  No, no, no, no. Is just a sign.Is good for business.  Yeah, so you look me up, man.That's cool.  I come for job.  Job. So you not big hairstyle!  It's not really happening for meso far.  So I am here. So let's go.  No. No job.  What do you mean!You tell me to come here.  I can no let you do this.You want to be hair homo.  No, so I do this for now.It's all yofi tofi.  Is no now.  Once you start in electronics store,you never get out.  Look at Ephraim. You see!  I don't see nothing wrong with that.It's perfect.  Ephraim came to America...  ...to be racing car driver.  But he let slip away.  I can hear it. Look. Check your ear.  Pinchas wanted to bethe next Bill Cosby.  No. Is resistant, no proof.You don't understand!  But the store kept pulling him back.  Maybe you swimming with the watch.  - I'm not swimming...- Is resistant.  Yosi wanted to be a hand model.  What, you don't like this! Look at this.This is most beautiful.  But he got too comfortable here.  Press this button, it's free HBO.  The electronics storeis a dream killer.  And I won't let the Zohankill his dream.  You are a real mensch, Oori.  You the mensch.  Come.  What! What's this!  You may not go for this,but this place cross the street...  - Yes!- They maybe take you.  - Is good place!- No, is dump, but they take you.  Is on Palestinian side of street.  Palestinian!  No, no, no.Look, nobody kill you there.  Here nobody care.  First off, no one kill me anywhere.  But Palestinian, no.  I've done enoughto my parents already.  I just want job for the Zohan.  And it kills methe way Phantom bastard...  ...getting his buttochim kissedin Palestine now.  Buttochim kissed! What's this!  He have business.  He buy wives.  Him!  They say his ugly face everywhere.  Everyone is runningTo Phantom's Chewy Muchentuchen  For the food the heroes eat  Kubeh, sambouesk,Delicious muchentuchen  You never know who you'll meet  You are going to get spoiled.  Phantom Muchentuchen!  Oh, yeah!  This month,order Muchentuchen Happy Lunch...  ... and get action figures fromPhantom Presents: Death to Zohan.  Unbelievable.  This animal gets to live his dream.But, me, l...  I can no work Palestinian, no.It's like... I can't do this.  Yes, you can.  Is your dream to cut hair.You want fight, or you want hair!  I want hair. But I'm scared.  Is America.You can do anything here.  You never done somethingpeople thought was impossible!  So you don't want to talk, huh!I'll make you talk.  I can do this.  Disco, disco, good, good.  Disco, disco, good, good.  Disco, disco, good, good.  Disco, disco, good, good.  Disco, disco, good, good.  So you have never cut hair before.  I have cut my own hairand several dogs.  I have the Paul Mitchell book,I have the stamina, the desire...  But you have no trainingor experience.  Would you hire someonewith experience in something else!  In what!  Can anyone here do this!  Okay. I have never seen that.  That is very nice,but that is not going to help me.  No hands.  Besides, I have no openings.  If anything, I need to scale back...  ...since they just raised my rentthrough the roof.  Out of nowhere, some guy with a tiecomes in and tells me I need to pay.  Stop it!  I only wish to learn.  I will do whatever it takes.  Fine. You can sweep up haira few shifts a week.  - You won't be...- No pay.  No, no, no.But then, I will become stylist, yes!  That could be a while.  I will wait turn. You will see.  I will get nighttime job for money.  Soon the whole worldwill be silky smooth.  Zohan.  - Carmen Electra has the best tits now.- Oh, please.  Oh, my God.I wonder how much she paid for them.  They're so perky.  You know, leave it to herto buy the best tits.  It's always first class with that one.  You know you don't have to catchevery piece of hair as it falls.  Yes, I do. You deserve a perfect floor.One single hair is unacceptable.  As you were.  Yes. I got this.  "Did you seethe new Kate Hudson movie!  I think she is even more vivaciousthan her mother."  Scrappeleh, that's wonderful.Now, let's practice on Michael.  Michael!Could you come in here, please!  What! What is...!  Oh, Scrappy needs to practicesmall-talking.  Can we do this another time! I havea shot at keeping my food down.  Michael, I want to practice now.  I'm afraid I'm terrible at this.Why won't you help me!  Oh, honey.You are good at everything you do.  - Got it.- Thanks.  So you're making her silky smooth,huh, Claude!  - Framing her face!- Yeah, Scrappy. I'm framing her face.  This is smart.  A nice layered stylewith the soft bangs...  ...is good for a bigger womanlike this.  - Coco.- Takes the eyes off the moon face...  ...and brings it toward the titzim.  Coco.  I need to speak to you.  In private.  Private. A secret!  They will never get it out of me,I promise you.  Coco, Claude is trying to work.  Yes. He's very good.  So I am ready to cut hair today.So let's go, let's get it on.  No. Let's not go.  But I am the best.  Don't tell me you're the best.  - I have the desire, the stamina.- You've been here two days.  I run this place for five years.  I think I know when you are readyto cut hair.  Okay, Jeez! Get a room, you two.  No, no, no.  I do not touch thiswith your penachim.  Out of respect for the working.  No, you don't eat where you shit.  Or shit where you eat.Whatever the...  The smell is bad.  This is called a comb.  - With the fingers!- Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no.  - Scrappy.- I'm sorry. Here, I take your leg up.  I'm sorry about this. I'm sorry.  - Okay. All right.- I apologize.  - Take him where he wants to go.- Thank you. Okay.  - Good luck.- It will be fine.  - Your limousine has arrived, sir.- You're observant, Tyler.  Thank you, Big Mac.  I am really late for a hotel openingdowntown. The Walbridge Hotel.  I understand, sir. I know theneighborhoods inside and backwards.  - We will not let them stop us.- What!  I'm not in much of a hurry.  Oh, no.  You want some coffee back there!  No!  I will lose them.  Nobody is following us.  Oh, shit!  Have a good time, sir.  Debbie, you did a good job.  You look very bangable,Mrs. Rosen.  Mrs. Paulson, I must tell you...  ...when you first came in,you looked hideous.  There was nothing attractive.  But now, I must say,my schtitzel, it's about to burst.  - It could break these any...- What are you doing!  We are talking shop.  No. No.  - Look, Coco...- What!  You need to calm down now, okay!  I don't think these customerslike the way you talk shop.  Nobody say this.  Coco, remember,respect for the workplace.  I have betrayed my salon.  He's trying to kill himself.  - Scrappy.- I deserve this.  No, no. Just... Just...  Easy on the ladies.  I didn't mind.  Take care, Mrs. Paulson.  She did not mind.  Let me disinfect the scissors...  ...so someone elsecan make someone else silky smooth.  I'll just clean up.  Rafaela's Salon.  What! No.  Debbie, she quit.  - What!- Sorry.  Claude, did you know about this!  I should have told you.  She's been looking for a new jobsince those rent guys came around.  Then why you no say nothing,little bitch!  Don't worry,I'm not giving up on this place.  You're a good guy, habibi.I just... I don't know what to do.  So let's go.  Scrappy, I have enough problemsright now.  I not the problem. I the solution. I fix.  But if you screw up...  I can't afford a screwup right now.  No, no, no. I no screw up.I am the best for the job.  Yeah, but you push and push."When is my turn"!  I have to care about salon.  - No, no, no.- No, no, no.  You care about you. And don't fightin front of the customer.  Mrs. Skitzer,I am afraid our stylist is out today.  Would you care to wait for Claude!  Does he do hair!  He's not a regular.  Well, that's fine.  She say...I mean, only if it's okay with Dalia.  Okay.  You will not regret this decision.  Mrs. Skitzer, let's cut your hair.  Just lay back, Mrs. Skitzer.I'll take care of everything.  - Oh, thank you.- Thank you.  Sexy woman like youdeserves to be pampered.  Me, sexy! Sure.  Don't be humble.  You've got the ass and titsof a schoolgirl and you know it.  And everyone else knows this too,believe me.  Yes.  Let me get your earring off.  I love it.  Of course you do.I make you silky smooth. I tell you this.  All right, Scrappy.You can cut Debbie's clients today.  If they want you.  Thank you.  I'll get to you all soon as I'mall the way done with Mrs. Skitzer.  That all you got, Mrs. Skitzer!  Come on, baby. Go, baby. Yes. Yes.  So who's next!  Come on, Scrappy!  Thank you, dear.  - It's a lot of speakers.- Yes. Yes.  It's orgasmic.  Oh, my God.  Oh, yes!  Grab it, Scrappy!  For you. Yes.  I give this to you.  - No. I am sorry, Mr. Paul Mitchell.- Hear me out, Scrappy, please.  I'll give you stock options.I'll name a shampoo after you.  No, my loyalty is to here.I will destroy you.  I heard about this placefrom Joanne.  You have to ask for Scrappy.  Yes, is the primarycardholder present!  Excuse me!  Hello, I am callingfrom Spiegel catalogue.  Are you between the agesof 18 and 39!  We're trying to talk here.  Have you ordered from cataloguein past six months!  Could you get off the phonewhile you drive!  Hey, what's the matter!I trying to make a living, do my job.  This is your job.  This is job also.  This is not Iraq.  I am Palestine, I'm not Iraq.  And you're not getting a tip.  And you are a stupid cow.  Jeez.  - And we're done. Okay, you, skedaddle.- Thanks so much.  - I'll see you later.- All right.  I like this, the red hair.  I bet she has a pumpkin patchdown below, yes!  I don't know.  - Did you tap her tuchus?- No.  Why don't you go afterthe snatchacheem in this place!  They all want you, believe me.  Scrappy, I wouldn't be so sure.  I'm telling you,you're not picking up the signs.  Come with me.I'll show you a technique. It's beautiful.  Hello, Mrs. Haynes. How are you!You want the cut and color today!  Yes, please. Thanks.  Watch.  You see! She's going with it.It's good.  Yep.  - She has a free shoulder. Come join.- I'm good.  Mrs. Haynes,you're getting cold here.  Claude, come. Keep her warm.  Go ahead. Yes.  And gently move.Gently move the shoulder.  All you want to do is let her knowyou're here for her.  Now look awaylike you're not even doing it.  We're not doing this.  - Same rhythm.- Okay.  Push. Push. Push.  Oh, you're pushing harder.It's starting to feel good on my end.  I am trying to make moneyto start my own business, huh.  Would you say you read Spiegelonce a month, twice...  Would you just get usto the hair salon!  We're gonna miss our appointment.  I curse you, and I curse your hair.  What is big dealabout this hair place anyway!  They get worse every year.  Okay, we'll take them to the truck.We'll just talk to them. But we'll find a...  Did you throw this shoe at me,my friend!  No!  Sure looks like it was you.  Then who threw it!  Okay. You're lucky I'm in good mood.I'll let you off the hook.  Nobody spits on me.  Thank you for the goat, my friend.  Yes.  Goat!  Goat.  Goat!  Goat!  Goat.  I said, "Can we have the receipt!"  Yes. Die in hell.  Welcome.  We'll color your hair Bling-BlingBlond. This is what you need.  You know what else they go for!  The... I don't know what you have,but mine is the biggest.  This...It does not get bigger than this.  It's enormous. Scary. I mean:  What!  I have the biggest. It's the biggest.  Take a look at this.  Look.  - It's not that big.- It's not that...!  No, no, no. The bush.  The bush is the biggest.  And the girls like thisbecause it's cushion.  It is no bullshaklaga. He is the one.I never forget a face.  So, what do you want I do!  Wait. I conference you.  Hello!  Nasi, emergency meeting.You're on with Hamdi as well.  - Hello, Nasi.- Hello, Hamdi.  Can you believehow much they pay Delgado!  Yes. Why Mets do this!  This is serious. We meet!  I explain why is emergency.  This is not just manwho take my goat.  - Zohan Dvir.- Yes.  Everyone think Phantom kill him.  Phantom not kill him.  We will capture,then make trade with Israel.  We will be heroes.  But, Salim, we are not Jihadim. Wedon't know for sure that this is him.  Let's call Hamas, Hezbollah.Let them handle this.  - Leave it to the pros.- No.  Hezbollah shmezbollah.  Hezbollah will take all the credit.This is our shot.  Why not let Phantom capture him!  Screw Phantom. He hero already.  Where's my chainof muchentuchen restaurants!  Salim, don't make thisabout yourself.  This is about me.  And about him.  And about my goat!  Come on, let's go!  This is nice,the walking inside the outside.  The park, the people,the horses, the kid.  Well, you're always downtown.  You should seea little more of New York.  Yes, yes, this is good.  The talking is good...  ...to get to know each otherbefore the bang-boom. I like.  Oh, no, no, no.There will be no bang-booming.  I just wanted to thank youfor saving my business.  - This isn't a date.- No, no, no.  I feel you have helped me so much...  The right thing to dois to tap you so hard...  ...my schtitzel will come outyour poopech. That's what I think.  Look, why don't wejust enjoy the park!  No, no, no. This is what we do.  Hey, look, softball.  - You like softball!- Of course, I love softball.  What is softball! Teach me how to.  I learned softballwhen I came to the States.  When you're Arab, it helps to fit in.  Yeah, how long you move here ago!  Just a few years ago.  I couldn't take it there anymore.All the hate, on both sides.  Yes, especially yours.  Why you say this! You don't know.  No, no, I don't. I read this.  The Australian-Tibet mediais very biased.  Look, both sides crazy.  My own family...  My brother...  ...if he knew I work cross streetfrom Israelis, he would lose it.  - Really!- You have the hardcores on both sides.  They just want to fight and fight.  Nobody will win this way.It has to stop.  When will it end, eh! Yes.  Okay, so you must be thirsty, no!  Here.  Where you get this!  This! From specialty shopon West Side.  This Middle Eastern drink.You know this! Fizzy Bubblech!  No, no, no. It looks pretty good.  Oh, try, try. It's very good.Try, have a sip.  It's not for me.  No! Really!  This is his shop.  Here is photo for compare.  For how long this take!I close the newsstand.  Make sure you ask himif he ever hit by shoe.  And about the prize goatthat can fetch a bowl of onion soup.  Look in his eyes when youask him this, for they will be suffering.  - You know, I just got haircut.- Go.  Look at this. I feel like Hugh Hefnerwith all you little bunnies around here.  Okay, okay,let's see who is going next.  "Jorge Posada," where are you!  That's me.  Okay, good-looking guy,you take a seat there. You're next.  You know, you look likeyou already just got haircut.  No, no.  So I guessing you're looking forsomething in the silky smooth area!  - Well...- Because I see you have nice curls.  You don't want tocut into those curls.  We will talk about this over there.  Okay, Scrappy, I wait.  Is not like I have a shoe to throw.  Sure. Yes. Beautiful. Whatever.  I don't have time to go watcha goat fetch soap.  - What!- What! I don't know.  Listen, my friend...  ...you want to talk, it's good,but you have to wait your turn.  First I have to cut and bangMrs. Greenhouse.  - That's right.- Okay.  Well, I'm ready for it.  Oh, dear.  I am sorry, Mrs. Greenhouse.I am not man enough for you today.  Oh, Scrappy, it's fine.  I don't know what the problem is.I am going to lose business.  Oh, no, dear. You're still adorable.  The screwingwas really just a bonus.  You are an angel, Mrs. Greenhouse.  An angel with a magic throat.  Oh, Scrappy!  No, that could work.One more, please.  Let's see what we got.  And we're still nothing.  Well!  He was very cool.  Idiot. What did he say!  He think I have nice curlsthat go well with a full face.  - But was it him!- Well, it looked like him.  But hard to know.  I tell you this: he didn't seem to carewhen I talk about goat fetching soap.  Soup. The goat fetched soup.You ruin everything.  Soup! This makes no sense.  Screw you. It's him. I know it's him.  The goat fetched soup!This is unbelievable.  Go to hell.  You said it was urgent!  It's an emergency.Please, take a look.  Yes, yes.  Well, that's not a real problem.You can always shave it.  No, not the bush.  No, inside the bush.Look deeper. Him.  - I see.- He lays in there all day long.  Maybe it needs some more oxygen.It looks like it's being strangled.  So the Palestinian says to the priest:  "Okay, but let's skip the bath."  Why, are they not clean!  No, is good joke.  Honey, are you all right!You've been in there for over an hour.  What is this stuff! I mean, I took onesip and I repainted the whole toilet.  Is Fizzy Bubblech.You'll get used to it, relax.  I don't wanna get used to it.My car couldn't.  - All right, that's it for me. I'm done.- What! What!  Is everything all right!  - Is it about the pee-pee!- Stop it.  - The pee-pee!- He can't do with his peepeechosetz.  Really!He's usually as hard as trigonometry.  - Mom. What...!- When did this happen!  The last few days.  Of course. It's ever sinceyou went out with that Dalia.  Your hog is telling you something.She must be the one.  The one!  Is this possible!  Of course it's possible, man.  All the beaverim in the worldand he falls for Palestinian muffich.  Why should Scrappy careif she's Palestinian!  He's from Australia and Tibet.He's not Israeli.  - No, no, no.- Oh, no, no, no.  Exactly.  What was that, a motor boat!  You know, Scrappy...  ...a special woman is specialno matter where she's from.  Listen to your hog.  Someone special.  Maybe is good.  It's good! It's terrific!  I mean, you know,you guys won't be together anymore...  ...but Scrappy is in love.That's great, awesome.  Thank you for your support.  - Is a good boy.- Good boy.  This is fun. Let's celebrate.Where's the cat!  Let's cat-sack, huh! Throw it to me.  - Got you.- Let's play, man.  Take it, Michael.  Look at you.  I wanna try it.  Is good.  Welcome to Hezbollah phone line.  For membership information,press one.  For negotiation update, press two.  For bonus mile information,press three.  For terrorist supplies, press four.  We have currently suspendedour terrorist supply service...  ... as we are engagedin negotiations with Israel.  We will resume service as soon asnegotiations break down. Thank you.  Great.  Come on. Just think of a bomb.  They say you can make bomb fromeveryday's material. You combine.  Yes, okay.But what we combination!  Just think of chemicals.  Chemicals, like in science class.  Yes.  Who remembers this stuff!  Hello.  Well, can I help you fellasfind anything!  Yes, do you have...  ..."liquid nitrogen."  You need what!  Liquid nitrogen.  Yeah. Well, I supposewe have some of that.  Now, just a moment.  - This is it!- Yes, and that's the large container.  This works!  Oh, it works quite well. Yes.  You use!  From time to time. Sure.  We'll take 12.  Look, you can turn off the water...  ...but we will find a wayto keep on going.  Oh, you like when I spray you,Mrs. Skitzer!  Where's the $ 14,000!  I have your rent right here.There is no getting rid of me.  We don't wanna get rid of you.  Mr. Walbridge would actually like torelocate your salon in our new mall.  You mean the one you want to destroythis community to build!  It is not our intentto destroy this community.  I'll take the community, Pancake.  My name is Gray, and I'll be back.  Nice to meet you, Pancake.  Why Pancake!  Just for fun.  You were amazing right there.  Oh, my God.  What!  I have one.  What!  I have zikpah.  Look at it.  It is you.  Dalia, I don't know how to tell you this.I cannot make sticky with anyone else.  You are the special one.  I will only be stiff for you.  Who is Steve!  Stiff, with an F.  - Stiff. Stiff.- Yes.  Okay...  ...I know you meant thatin a good way...  The best of ways.  - so thank you.  Thank you.  Is crazy.  This has never happened.  One woman...  ...one zikpah...  ...one life.  You see his face!Scared Israeli son of bitch.  Salim, this is not bomb.  What you mean "not bomb"!  It's grade A liquid nitrogen.  Guys, I really need to go home.  Inaz have a soccer matchin the morning.  - I am hero.- Salim, this not bomb. It just go:  Well, just go with it.  I scraped some off the window.  Maybe you know what is!  It's Neosporin, it's nothing.I use it for cuts and genital sores.  We're beginning to thinkmaybe someone out to get the Zo...  The Scrappy.  You mean like a competing salon!That's heavy.  Don't be afraid, honey.Don't be afraid.  Well, I...  Yeah, lick this.No, she likes the tongue in the ear.  Oh, I like that bet... Oh, I like that.  Close with the brenski.  Come on, get some salivaon those bad boys.  - She likes it, huh!- Of course she likes it.  Okay.  I could look for clues. It's my shiftfor community night watch.  The what!The communism tight crotch!  Oh, it's the communitynight watch program.  You know, people in the neighborhoodpatrolling it, keeping it safe.  We kick some ass.  Hey, why don't you let Scrappy Cocotake your shift tonight!  - I bet he'd be good at this.- Oori.  What! For clues.  I know it sounds scary, Scrappy,but you are gonna be just fine.  Maybe I can manage one night.  Maybe you can pretzel some people.  - Thank you for getting the hummus.- The hummus.  Where's Patches!  Patches.  I'm terrified right now.I'm totally terrified.  "Shitting my pants"doesn't come close.  I wish I was shitting my pants.  It's just a patrol.  What if something goes down!  I don't know if I'd have the courage.  What if something goes downand someone got killed!  I would have to live with that.I'd be happier shitting my pants.  Much happier.  - Let's go.- We're supposed to call the police.  No. No time.  No, no. No. It's good.  Drop the paint.  Get out of here, Ahab,or I'll cut your eyes out.  - Maybe we should let him finish.- No, no, no.  What you cut my eyes out with!The Neosporin!  My blade, camel jockey.  My friend, the beating I give youif you stop the spraying...  ...is much less than the beatingI give you if you try to cut me.  What are you laughing at!  That was just with everyone.  They had it coming to them, right!  Yeah. Yeah, it seemed like it. Yeah.  - Okay, you take it from here.- I got it.  Everything's gonna be okay.  What you gotta say about that, huh!  You're telling meour guys can't handle...  ...some neighborhoodnight-watching losers!  We can't even put a scareinto these people!  The main guy who got in the way...  ...is the same one who's bringingold biddies into Rafaela Salon.  My aunt goes there.  She says besides the sex,the guy gives a pretty good haircut.  Don't talk to me about that dump.  I've got a huge,classy hotel standing there...  ...and it's staringat that cheap garbage.  I want it staring at the Supercuts.  Now, has anyone made any headwaywith any of these foreign people!  I spoke to the manager of GoingOut Of Business again yesterday.  I stated our priceand the urgency of the matter...  ...and he offered me two-thirds lessand a Toshiba DVD player.  The people at Everything Must Gowere just as difficult.  They offered me a Blu-ray discand a jar of hummus.  What's hummus!  It's a very tasty...  ...diarrhea-like substance.  Grant Walbridge has a vision.  A vision for Lower Manhattanto have the first indoor mall...  ...with its own 300-footroller coaster.  You know, you're lucky I havea world-class superhot girlfriend...  ...with a perfectly proportionedass-to-breast ratio...  ...or I'd be furious.  She is smoking, sir.  I'd payto spend an hour with her, sir.  Let me in on that.  Well, thank you.  But if you bitchescan't get those people out...  ...I will find other peoplewho will get the job done.  However, whenever.  Walbridge!  This is where I find them.  But I don't know if it's same peoplewho try to Neosporin salon.  But you caught them writing this crap,so, what do you do!  - You don't mess with the Zohan.- Check it.  - Disco.- Disco.  - Good.- Good.  Why did you do thisto Naseef's store, huh!  Why you blame the Israelis!  We come to work,go out of business.  No, no, no.Is not Israeli who do this.  I do community watch.Don't worry, it's all taken care of.  Not Israeli! Who else would write"Arab go home"!  Oh, I don't know,just maybe 99 percent of the world.  - You see what he says!- That was joke.  Come on, come on.You guys get along here, stop this.  Yeah, here it's okay. It's just there,the war is never going to end.  You know, we were so close to peacebefore the asshole shot Rabin.  Bush, he see the big picture.  Bush no want peace,he set it all back.  What about Bush's wife!This is a wife I would get sticky with.  I would do this. I would do this.  - Yes, yes.- What about Clinton! I would do Hillary.  The big legs.  Yeah, she look strict,like she's going to teach me a lesson.  - Yes, discipline.- You know what's funny!  I like Chelsea.  You're crazy.  She has beautiful legs.  If I want legs, I'll take Obama's wife.She has legs.  This is what happenswhen they talk politics.  No, no, no, wife of McCain!  She has the ass,and you know she's not getting any.