#cause bobbi-1 seemed to be really good at branding so that could work

[cartoonybus]

thinking about 2nd dimension love händel

[thescorpioracer]

Sen Çal Kapımı 1 - Episode Recap

To be honest, this series of posts is mostly going to be a fashion roast. But DISCLAIMER! I really do love this show and Turkish TV in general, it’s just my preferred mode of media analysis is to pick things apart. 😂And I need everyone to know that I am very pro-women, and believe people should be able to dress how they want and not be judged for it or be looked down upon for it. But oh my god this wardrobe department/costumer needs to be STOPPED. I also have zero credentials to be talking about fashion, but will that stop me?

I’m going to make these posts assuming you’ve watched the show, and just comment on whatever comes up. There will be spoilers. Let’s go!

We start off with a voiceover from Eda Yıldız, an A+ romcom trope. (It wasn’t until my rewatch that I remembered that Eda used to do VOs at random intervals, and I’m kind of glad she stopped tbh.) She is a strong woman who wants to get her education and become a landscape architect/designer. She was all set to do that until- dun dun dun! - Serkan Bolat destroyed everything. 

Check out that dart board of a man (and this is the only time we see that photo there). And these outfits are probably the most normal and reasonable clothes she wears in the show. She’s a beautiful young woman, who was a college student, and now works outdoors as a florist. 10/10 outfit. 

Of course that transitions us into an epic slomo of Serkan exiting his private jet. He of course begins to berate his assistant on the phone in a way a friend described as reminiscent of The Devil Wears Prada.

@teamnick​​‘s commentary back when she first started the show. 

Serkan returns to his office for the first time in 2 months after working on business deals in London. Chaos ensues: Miranda Priestly is baaaaaaack.

See... here we have some good fashion choices! We meet the girls for the first time, while they try to sneak off to their graduation without making Eda feel bad that she won’t be receiving her diploma. Melek “Melo” is dressed in a sweet dress with a bold, romantic color, which captures her personality perfectly. Ceren, the rich daughter from a family of lawyers, looks a bit more high-fashion. The dress is short but it has long sleeves and no cleavage so it works out to be chic and elegant. Fifi is unapologetically herself with her full-black, punk wardrobe. Eda is again dressed in a pretty, but casual outfit. Nicely put together for her lower-middle-class lifestyle and her job as a florist.

Enter: the plot device to get our protagonists together. Serkan’s face says it all.

We are then introduced to the main couple’s respective cars. Serkan has his 2020 BMW (though the show blocks out the copyrighted branding) while Eda’s beat up SUV is clearly unreliable. What’s that? Another plot device being introduced? I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Also, I just noticed this, but for someone as uptight as Serkan, I’m surprised at how fun his suit jacket lining is. If I’m not mistaken the pattern is of a bunch of rainbow fish. #Snazzy, but they seem out of character?

Plot highlights:

Eda learns she can come back to school and finish her final year, but she’s lost her scholarship and will have to pay. She can’t.

Serkan gives his talk at the graduation (?)-- Is his talk just for architecture students? If so, why are Ceren, Fifi, and Melo there? We’ll never know. I know, I know... it’s all for the ~plot~

Eda calls Serkan out in front of everyone for taking away the scholarship that she earned from his company, Art Life. He is confused but unrepentant. She refuses to tell him her name.

She tries to deface his car with lipstick after keying the side (we never hear about the damage to his car after that). He catches her and wants to call the police, so she impulsively handcuffs them together with the plot devices from Selin’s wedding invitation sitting on his passenger seat.

They then have to go to Serkan’s urgent business meeting with an out-of-town client. Eda drives while they’re handcuffed together. Bickering ensues.

What is this? Foreshadowing? Symbolism?? Eda’s last name “Yıldız” is the Turkish word for “star” so... file that away for later.

One of my favorite parts about watching Turkish dramas is the experience of trying to decipher the fan translations. Add to the fact that Turkish only has 1 pronoun *chef’s kiss* 

Eda refuses to take the elevator to the 15th floor (we’ll learn about her claustrophobia later). Serkan is equally as stubborn, saying she owes  him for screwing up his day. But he has met his match in Eda with regards to stubbornness. They take the stairs.

More highlights:

First instance of fake dating - they need to hide the handcuffs from his client so Eda pretends she’s his girlfriend and a fellow investor.

The girls track Eda’s phone to the hotel and try to find her by asking around the premises. 

Eda charms the client into selling his land to Serkan.

We learn that Serkan is allergic to strawberries and has a lot of health anxiety. He’s a very tightly wound person.

Serkan says “Mashallah,” translator hears 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Engin brings way too many people to open the handcuffs and chaos ensues.

I feel like nothing can do justice to the comedy of 58:45 to 1:00:00 with Fifi using a bobby pin as a lock pick. The dramatic editing is 👌🏼

Leyla gets fired for somehow causing this drama??? And she is so happy to leave that stressful workplace omg, we don’t deserve her 🥺

Serkan and Eda go their separate ways, Eda prepared to never see her enemy again, but of course her phone and purse are still in his car so she has to go to his office at Art Life and confront him again.

Serkan has found out that Whoops, Art Life did cancel the study abroad scholarships to cut costs, but his CFO did it without telling him. And Serkan is pissed, but I think mainly about the fact that Eda did have some (SOME) grounds for yelling at him in public.

Leyla then explains the nonsensical reasoning behind her being fired-but-not-fired and still working. (Spoiler alert: she never goes anywhere and she is my favorite side character to this day).

Eda: “How can I piss Serkan off?” Leyla: “Find a mistake he’s made and he will fixate on it forever. But you won’t find anything.” Eda: “Hold my beer.”

Eda walks into Serkan’s office and his meeting. She gets her purse back and they fight about him not being willing to apologize for ruining her life and education. He refuses and says she owes him an apology for embarrassing him in public (no, dude).

He wants to give her back the scholarship and make it all go away but she rightly tells him that it won’t fix her broken pride from begging the company and her university for a second chance. But somehow her calling him a heartless “Robot” is what gets to him???? And he short-circuits. Eda walks out triumphant. 

~dRaMa!~

MEANWHILE

Melo, as well as being a perfume sales girl, also works as a flight attendant and wants Eda to cover her shift (we’ll get into how that doesn’t make sense in a minute) 

Eda says no, she’s going to meet her boyfriend, Cenk, who she hasn’t seen in months and has just returned from Italy.

Enter: Selin. Serkan’s ex who he dumped a while ago and is now engaged to the heir of a hotel empire. Serkan doesn’t like this. The two of them grew up together and are set to each inherit 50% of the holding company that Serkan’s father currently runs.

Right away Selin serves us with a gender reveal level color scheme.  Personally not a fan. They confirm that Serkan is coming to her engagement party tomorrow.

Meanwhile Eda  meets up with Cenk. Her outfit is still reasonable and cute for her character. He looks mildly like a hobo and doesn’t seem to have anything going for him (I know he’s a throwaway character but the two of them really don’t have anything in common).

This creeper keeps staring at them, but Cenk tries to explain it away and says he’s busy and can’t meet her again until the day after tomorrow. Eda is disappointed but accepts this. Creeper girl remains and remains a red flag to viewers, but apparently not to Eda.

Cut to later that evening, and of course our broody main man enjoys astronomy in his free time (???) idk what he’s charting and to what purpose but okay? 

Eda finds a mini first aid kit in her purse that Serkan put there before returning it. Queue montage of them treating their respective wrists for handcuff-related injuries. #couplegoals

Of course we also needed a sepia-toned flashback to earlier that day when the handcuffs contrived their faces to get too close together. #romance

Finallyyyyyyy it’s morning again and a new day.

Since Eda can’t see Cenk (good, he’s so boring), she agrees to fill in as a flight attendant for Melo, who’s side job is for a private plane company.

Now. This should not be a thing. Eda was in college to be a landscape architect and now works as a florist for her aunt... Where has she learned any relevant skills to work as a flight attendant?? Presumably nowhere. And I really don’t think a private plane company would be so easygoing about just having a random person fill in to cover for her friend? 

But does this show care about that? What do you think...

Also, instead of the standard white shirt, black skirt uniform requirements, the girls decide that this skimpy dress and heels is fine? Hmmm

Also lol @ Melo for assuming that the client who wants jasmine tea and fruit salad is probably a woman. And her telling Eda that the PRIVATE JET COMPANY would in fact have its own tea was very random and unnecessary. 

Back at the Bolat house compound, we meet the parents: Aydan and Alptekin. We’ll see them again later. Selin’s engagement party is today. 

Meanwhile Eda is just.... being a flight attendant, I guess??? And who could possibly be the passenger she has to take care of? Take a wild guess. Of course it’s Serkan Bolat.

And of course that tiny dress (THAT ALSO HAS A LEG SLIT?? WHY?? I really don’t need to see her vagina) looks very practical and professional... not! (Hande Erçel is a gorgeous human, and the dress looks good on her, don’t get me wrong. BUT THIS IS SITUATIONALLY INCORRECT ATTIRE). Also him just folding his vest and then social distancing from it... K? 😂

Eda panics and doesn’t want Serkan to see her and runs away back to her seat pod thing - Serkan takes issue with his fruit salad for ~plot reasons~ (EDIT: I’ve been informed that it’s because there was a strawberry in his fruit salad and since he’s allergic, of course it needed to be fixed. Why doesn’t the plane have a note of that??) and comes back to find this mystery flight attendant.

Eda is very stressed out about this encounter and is also starting to have a panic attack because, surprise, she’s also claustrophobic. 

After Serkan calms her down, they have a cute/civil conversation for the rest of the flight.

When they land, Eda realizes they’re on an island 2h45min away from Istanbul and she isn’t sure what to do with herself (How did she not already know where they were going, as the FLIGHT ATTENDANT??? So may red flags with this private jet company).

Serkan convinces Eda to come with him and she can hang out at the beach while he’s at Selin’s engagement party.

At the engagement party we finally meet Selin’s fiancé Ferit. He’s sweet and non-threatening and clearly insecure about Serkan being Selin’s ex.

This dress/skirt outfit Selin is wearing isn’t terrible, but it doesn’t scream rich socialite to me. Anything with feathers seems... a bit tacky/too showy? Like someone pretending to be rich? Idk, this outfit isn’t one I’m going to really take a stand on.

Does this engagement party warrant being a 2h45 min flight away? No. They try to explain it away as the couple wanting to have something small and private, even though they also invite the press?? But okay whatever, as long as Serkan and Eda cross paths again, I suppose.

Kaan Karadağ has been mentioned a couple times in passing, but now we finally meet our “villain.” Ferit’s friend, and Serkan & Selin’s childhood acquaintance, who has it out for Serkan bc he somehow bankrupted Kaan’s dad? Idk and I don’t really care but tl;dr they’re enemies. 

Another thing I love about Turkish dramas is the censoring. Like, they’ll allow alcohol to be on screen, but they won’t say the word and they’ll just blur out the bottle and any liquid that we’d assume is alcoholic 😂

In the evening, Serkan is tired and wants to leave and Ferit snidely jokes about how Serkan is too picky to have a fiancé of his own. Serkan flashes back to 1 entire day ago when he and Eda pretended to be dating at his business meeting, and says that actually he is engaged to someone and then peaces out.

Serkan finds Eda on the beach, and they are preparing to leave when a crowd of people (Selin, Ferit, and Kaan mainly), arrive to get a peek at Serkan’s new “fiancé.” Eda very reluctantly plays along (good thing she has that unnecessarily sexy “work” dress to help her look the part) and Serkan notices that for the first time ever, Selin is jealous of another woman. #drama

After they finally escape the crowd, Serkan makes an annoyed Eda an offer: Pretend to be his fiancé for the 2 months leading up to Selin’s wedding so he can get them to break up and prevent Ferit marrying into the company. In return, he will pay all the fees to help her complete her last year of studies in Italy.

Eda refuses, stating that she doesn’t want anything from him, and besides she has a boyfriend (Sure Jan; Cenk is such a joke). They have it out and then fly back to Istanbul. But of course the gossips at the engagement have spread the news of Serkan’s new woman so the paparazzi corner them at the airport when they land. 

So glad that we got to see this random mechanic find out the news (???)

They escape the cameras and Serkan takes her home, saying that Art Life has a press conference tomorrow, and she should come so he can save face and tell everyone that she was his assistant accompanying him for work to the party. Eda agrees. 

It should also be mentioned that Serkan still doesn’t know her name at this point?? She refused to tell him and Engin still hasn’t sent him the names of the scholarship candidates so it’s a bit miraculous that their relationship was at all believable.

The next day, Cenk wants to meet but Eda has to go to the press conference. The girls come too for whatever reason, and Melo is convinced that Cenk wants to propose. Eda just lets that fantasy take hold (why tho?), and Cenk shows up unexpectedly right before the press conference and takes Eda into the nearby hotel’s cafe so they can talk.

Eda seems ready for a proposal (they haven’t seen each other or really communicated in months??) but Cenk wants to break up. Eda is shocked (???) but then Cenk mentions that he has a new girlfriend from Italy that he adores, and oh by the way, it’s the creepy girl from the other night who also happens to be here right now?

Okay fine, I guess??? Cenk: “She’s doesn’t speak Turkish” Girlfriend: *clearly a Turkish actress*

Eda is upset that he brought his jealous girlfriend with him to break up with her and says something about how actually, she’s seeing Serkan Bolat now (maybe it’s just me being someone who doesn’t follow tabloids, but are business people really that popular in every day society where everyone knows who they are?). Cenk laughs at Eda, saying that everyone wants to be with Serkan Bolat, and that she’s bluffing.

Eda makes an impulsive decision, and walks away, over to where Serkan has started the press conference. And seals their fate as fake dating in the public eye.

Queue confetti. No really.

And there we have it. That’s the episode!

In all seriousness, it’s a pretty great pilot, especially for a romcom. It hits all the right beats, includes enough tropes, and tells us a lot about what we should expect in the episodes going forward. And no matter how much I make fun of it, I really do enjoy this show! It’s been such a nice distraction from Current Events. I’ve spent a lot of time watching these episodes just saying “oh my god” out loud to myself as I watch all of the cute/romantic gestures that give me a lot of second hand embarrassment (I forget that PDA makes me kinda uncomfortable 😂).

There wasn’t actually that much terrible fashion in this episode, which I didn’t notice until my rewatch. If I continue with this series of posts, I’m hoping they’ll end up being less plot-centric, and more about the situationally inappropriate outfits and strange subtitling choices. 

See you next time? 

[lamalefix]

Shockwave - 1/5

[Buddie fic, angst with happy ending; hurt/comfort; explosions; I don’t even know]

When a bomb explodes, the area around the explosion becomes over pressurized, resulting in extremely compressed air particles that move faster than the speed of sound. A wave that annihilates space and time and yet exists only for a handful of milliseconds. The initial damage of the wave is what deals the majority of the damage. Even if it lasts only a blink of an eye, the destruction is numbing. And that’s exactly what is happening in Eddie’s chest. Or, a bombing attack strikes a quite smooth shift, and Buck and Eddie really need to have a break.

[read it on ao3]

 Eddie is used to it.

He has heard that ominous noise so many times, so many that he gets sick on New Year’s Eve, even on the 4th of July, when those sounds are distant and lost in the night, and are accompanied by colours.

It isn’t that raging roar, the boom, the thing that makes his blood freeze in his veins, it’s never the roar. Of course, that’s a good trigger, at the beginning, when he had just returned from his last tour, those noises, those bangs in the distance, were enough to make his brain hypervigilant, overstimulated. But at some point, he understood, with therapy, he got to know it. It’s not that raging roar, the boom. But that whistle, that whooshing sound afterwards.

On his first tour, his companions in Afghanistan, a little more experienced than him, explained to him that it is that vacuum left by the explosion that causes that noise.

At the explosion site, a vacuum is created by the rapid outward movement of the blast. This vacuum nourishes of the surrounding atmosphere, refilling itself again and again. It creates a very strong pull on any nearby person or structural surface after that already massive push effect of the blast.

That’s how he handled it: fireworks and gunshots don’t produce that vacuum, so, yeah somehow, he managed to de-trigger his triggers. Having a bigger, scarier trigger, that whirlpool of noise and horror.

And it helped, a lot, he lived a normal life, as much as you can call it that. But then a kid decided to blow up a ladder truck.

And then came the noise of showering shattered glass and screaming.

And if Eddie stops to listen, even without warnings or triggers, he might still hear Buck crying for help, in pain, his weak whimpers clear and loud. That sound entered under his skin, and won’t ever leave. But he can manage this, he can manage this because Buck is always there, watching out for him.

As for today, it was a quiet day. It had begun as a quiet day. The two of them had breakfast with Christopher; and work went by in a fairly smooth shift, some rescues, a couple of accidents that resulted in minor scratches, nothing too demanding or gruesome. Nobody said a thing about it, trying to ignore how smoothly their 18 hours shift was going, because usually shifts like this are the calm before the storm.

And a couple of hours before the shift ended, the siren rang and they were already on the stairs, ready to jump into action.

And while they were in the truck Eddie heard it, that roar, and then that whirlwind of silence, dust and wind howling in the distance.

Eddie raised his head just enough to meet Buck’s eyes and exchange a knowing look.

If we get out of this alive─ he remembers thinking.

Of course, there were people in panic on the scene, but the silence, the disturbing silence of a city suddenly immobile was bleaker.

There was a shiny red car across the street, brand new, it must have cost an arm and a leg. The bodywork now covered in dust, the glass shattered from what looked like a piece of flesh.

In front of the building, a building quite anonymous, probably all offices, bureaucratic or insurance things that Eddie had not particularly paid attention to, there was a bus, a double-decker one, for tourists. The top of it was blown off. The seats and the passengers had been thrown out about seven or eight meters. Some bystanders sat on the ground, holding people’s hands. Some passengers were clearly dead, motionless, their bodies in unnatural positions, others were shouting out in pain, in fear.

Some waiters and a chef from a restaurant at the corner of the street, were distributing plastic gloves: to limit the damage to the people who were there and helped, not real first responders, but everyday people. Doorkeepers and security guards delivered blankets and sheets, even towels to stop the bleeding.

Some young policemen, who perhaps had just finished the academy, wanted to be told what to do, Athena was there barking orders, face stern and eyes fierce. But still, and this must have hit Eddie a little too close to home, there was not much panic in that unnatural silence.

The majority of the injuries, from a first rapid analysis, were compound fractures, lacerations, burns and blast injuries. The least lucky had serious brain trauma.

There were stains of blood and oil on the walls of the surrounding buildings, stains of smoke and dust, and flames, which made the grey outlines of skyscrapers look like ugly imitations of some of Pollock’s works.

When the explosion hits a surface, there is a very specific thing that happens: after the bomb blows off, there are like stress waves, shockwaves, that continue to travel within the surface. These waves move the energy within the thing they pass through. In a human body, they pass through the tissues and organs. Supersonic, like a Star Wars jet. They carry far more energy than sound waves, and in some cases security measures to ensure that a building doesn’t collapse amplify the already destructive effects. And when you enter a building hit by one of these shockwaves, it’s like walking in a building during, or in the immediate aftermath of an earthquake.

Eddie didn’t have time to even think about what the effects of the shockwaves or the fragmentation, could have irreparably damaged the building, he and Buck were entering. Hen and Chim stayed behind with Bobby, ready for the two victims, that two security guards that hadn’t made it out. The rest of the 118 was still a couple of blocks away. They didn’t have time, they needed to move fast. And as much as you can assess the damage from the outside, you can’t know for sure if you don’t go in.

 This Eddie remembers, his head spinning as his ears whistle, that loud yet deep whistle that makes his thoughts cloudy and his eyes foggy. The air that seems kicked out from his lungs.

Could this be death?

He found himself thinking about it many times, the red sand of Afghanistan in the bed of his fingernails, muddy and sticky with blood, as he struggled to catch a breath, the air drawn away from the heat and the noise, from how the bullets rang in the immediate vicinity and resonated in his chest.

But now it’s so palpable. Scary.

He has to concentrate and gather his thoughts: first thing first, he has to understand if he can move, if he can move from there.

And then a flash, that dangles in the back of his head.

Buck.

All that time wasted, all that time gone, and Buck was still waiting on him.

Eddie is someone one who runs away and now that instead he has found the courage to stay, to ask. Now that he has found someone else who wants a Diaz package deal, had the courage to take his feelings in his hands, his heart on his lips… now it’s late.

And he had so little time to be happy with Buck, to make him happy.

If we get out of this alive, he remembers thinking, back on the truck, I have to ask you to marry me.

Here, this is what he remembers and also now he remembers that another bomb exploded while they were on the stairs. While Buck was with him on the stairs.

Buck. Where the hell is Buck?

  When the second bomb blew off, on the other side of the building, Buck was a few steps away from him, on the staircase between the sixth and the seventh floor.

He can’t even remember Buck’s voice, how it sounded like all caught up in that deep whistling sound that drums in his ears. He was suggesting one of his plans to bring out the victims they were looking for. The plan included a kind of sled for the stairs, the two victims on a desk or a door and the two of them would direct it after having harnessed it. It was the only way to be quick if the ladder truck hadn’t been available.

Buck was behind him, a couple of steps away, and when Eddie heard that sudden rustling, the calm before the storm ─ or maybe he imagined it, maybe it had been more a feeling ─ , he had thrown himself on Buck in an attempt to save him.

Maybe it’s because Eddie is used to that noise, that he perceived before it even happened.

Let’s just stick with calling it a sixth sense. Or maybe he just saw some debris falling from the ceiling, and sensed the imminent collapse.

 Realization is like a punch in the face. Buck isn’t there, in what Eddie would call a kind of bonded area.

It’s true, everything is in a very bad shape, battered, the stairs had crumbled with the second explosion, but somehow the entablature held up the impact, and the majority  of the floors above are still in their places. The concrete and the debris all around him, but miraculously, apart from being precipitated on the lower floor, Eddie doesn’t seem to have many debris on him, not massive ones at least, nor he has serious wounds.

Now that he is somehow more conscious, awake, he needs to function a bit more. Before even getting up, he looks for the words at the bottom of his throat and tries to reach the radio to ask for help or at least to report his position. But he can’t hear, that damn background noise in his ears is so frigging loud and yet it’s all so quiet around him. He knows that sound, he’s sure he knows that sound, it’s like that scream that hoovers in his worst nightmares. He feels his lips moving against the speaker, he hears himself talk, his voice like a distant echo that murmurs in the back of his skull, but no, he can’t hear what they say. If they say anything to him, or if those are just those muffled sounds that their radios make when communications are cut off.

He then decides to get up and decipher the damage he has accused, and more importantly he need to asses if he can move and find a way out. They were between the sixth and the seventh floors. Maybe he can find a way, a small tunnel that can take him out. Or at least let him catch up with Buck.

He manages to roll on his side, and then on his stomach, the oxygen tank pressing against his shoulder blades was clearly the reason he couldn’t breathe well, when he woke up. With his legs aching, his neck and shoulders asking for mercy, he drags himself to the first wall that seems to have held up the blow. It must be reinforced concrete, or, even better a pillar. He sits up and puts a finger of the glove between his teeth and pulls away, freeing his hand to rub his face, and he discovers that no, at least there are no open cuts on his head and that noise he hears, maybe it’s just a whistle due to the very near explosion, more than a first sign of a serious brain damage.

He doesn’t seem to have broken bones, even if his legs don’t seem very reactive, he puts on the oxygen mask to inhale deeply twice, maybe three times, and regain a minimum of self-awareness. Oxygen reinvigorates his thoughts. He decides to switch on his flashlight to at least try to orient.

He moves slowly, his flashlight blinks a couple of times the light becoming more and more faint, a soft orange. But it makes enough light to see it, in the semi-darkness of that damn place, there’s a helmet a couple of feet away, near a pile of debris and cement and glass shattered.

He needs a moment to re-adjust his visual acuity, winking away the dust from his eyes: the white numbers finally flickering back at him.

118.

 And it’s like some slow-motion scene in that big budget movies. And Eddie could swear he can actually see his own body moving, even before his very mind catches up. He drags himself there, near the helmet, his dying flashlight left forgotten on the concrete floor. Panic washes over him. Only Buck was there with him. And if his helmet is there, it’s enough to assume that under that horrendous amount of debris, and cement, and god knows what else, there is Buck.

He can think straight. He knows he can, he does that under pressure, has done that in stressful situations years before joining the LAFD, but he can’t.  He just can’t. Not now. Not if Buck is under a ton of debris and cement, possibly heaving his last breath any minute now.

When a bomb explodes, the area around the explosion becomes over pressurized, resulting in extremely compressed air particles that move faster than the speed of sound. A wave that annihilates space and time and yet exists only for a handful of milliseconds. The initial damage of the wave is what deals the majority of the damage. Even if it lasts only a blink of an eye, the destruction is numbing.

And that’s exactly what is happening in Eddie’s chest.

  He needs to call for help, he needs to do something. He can’t possibly move all those debris without making it worse. He could actually smash the whole fragile equilibrium of the remains of the stairs and pillars, make it all collapse on him and Buck and, and he can’t do that.

He needs to move, he needs to seek any source of light, find a damn way to ask for help.

He can’t lose him.

All that time wasted, all that time gone, and Buck was still willing to love him. He can’t lose him.

He hears his own voice echoing in the back of his head, threading through his skull. He even knows the name of this specific physiological event, but the only thing he can think of, now, is help.

Help. Help. Help.

That’s what his voice is saying, that familiar noise in his ears so loud and deep that make his vision blurry. But he is sure he’s crying out for help.

  But now he really needs to move, to find a goddamn source of light or whatever, everything. A way to get help, a way to get Buck, Evan, out of there.

He needs to focus, to function, he really needs to do his best now.

The stairs were on the left of the entrance, so the only reasonable thing to do is reaching the stairs and try to find a way out.

There’s a tunnel, on the right, like twelve feet away from the helmet. Maybe grovelling in there, he can reach Buck, maybe he can help him.

So, he moves, he crouches and tries to crawl under the tunnel made of broken pillars and collapsed cement.

And he really tries not to think. And the only thing that flashes in his mind, aside of Evan, Evan, Evan – like a mantra – is Christopher. And the blood freezes in his veins, now that he thinks about his son, who perhaps will lose at least one of them today.

No. No. Christopher can’t lose them, neither Buck nor Eddie. They will return to Christopher, should he dig the way to the exit himself, with his bare hands.

 He sees a golden light crackling in the middle of the collapsed beams and concrete, he must go towards that light.

The debris blocks part of the tunnel, but he can actually stand at some point, the overlying corridor caved in and part of Eddie’s way is blocked, he will have to crawl with his back to the wall, and carry the oxygen tank by hand, otherwise he won’t pass. But he must go, he must continue.

To help Buck. he tells himself. Evan. Evan. Evan. he repeats like a mantra.

And maybe he anticipated a fire. Maybe Eddie anticipates elevated temperatures, it is to be expected when there are such explosions, especially if so close one another, but it is clearly a flashlight, the light that glimmers there at the bottom of his way.

 Eddie shouts out. The way his ears ring, his head spinning with the echo of his words while he drags himself between the debris, the shoulder that threatens to yield, while tagging along the oxygen tank.

But he comes to the brink of the tunnel, at the edge of another free zone: there are debris everywhere, but there is a person who seems is looking for someone, who moves the flashlight in search of something in the piles of debris.

There is someone as battered as he is dragging himself around.

Eddie can’t assess his features, his face, his expression. It’s like a silhouette that person, and maybe it’s just a ghost of Eddie’s imagination.

But as soon as the light hits Eddie’s face and forces him to close his eyes for a moment, that person runs towards him, limping in a way that seems decidedly painful, but is on him in a matter of seconds.

And it is unmistakable that strong embrace, bone-crushing hug, yet so warm and delicate at the same time, tender, that it anchors him to reality, to life. The familiar scent, sweat, dust and that stupidly good oatmeal shampoo (“My hair are this fabulous due to oat, Eds!”), fills Eddie’s nostrils. And it feels like coming home.

He is alive. Buck. Evan. Evan is alive. He is alive. He is alive. He needs to repeat himself again and again, gasping, swallowing back a sob.

Now that they are together, now that they are together, everything will be fine.

“Evan!” Eddie croaks, or at least he is convinced to call his name, or maybe it’s his mantra. The whistle is gone all together. He nuzzles in the crook of Buck’s neck, tugging at his turnout coat like his own life depends on it.

Buck tightens his grip on Eddie, straightening them both. “I found you” he says.

And Eddie could swear that he hears Buck’s words in his chest, his voice that echoes stentorian and hoarse all together, even before it reaches his ears.

“Bullshits,” Eddie replies. “I found you”. His head spinning and his legs no longer holding him. And he’d like to say other words to him. He’d like to ask him now, of all moments, right here, this seems the perfect moment, now that they are both alive, he must ask him.

Now that they are together, everything will be fine.

But darkness starts to slip at the corners of his eyes, blurring his vision and he may have the feeling of his body giving in, collapsing in Buck’s arms.

Or maybe he is simply out of it even before realizing it. [Continue to ch.2]

[ambootyos]

Deception Pt. 1

Is There A Rule Book?

Adam x Reader x Finn

Plot-No strings attached always gets messy when new people get involved

Tags- @reigns420 @glittercupcakes-and-squats @capwasright @originalbish98

If you wanna be tagged, ask.

Warnings- language and sexual themes

A/N: I’m back! *return of the Mack plays*

“Y/N, come on. It’s been three years, if he’s not calling you his girlfriend by now, he’s never gonna.” Kyle sighs, Bobby nodding silently in agreement.

Roderick cocks his head.

“This is why you should’ve just hooked up with me, I’d have married you by now.” He teases.

I love these guys, I truly do, but they never could understand that my ‘love life’ was my concern, and my concern only.

“It’s called a fling for a reason.” I reply, trying once again to steer them straight and make it very clear that it’s not up for discussion.

“For three years?” Bobby judges. “Three years is not a fling.”

“I know this is Adam we’re talking about, but at some point you guys are just gonna have to use the word ‘dating’ and get the fuck over yourselves.” Kyle chuckles.

That’s the thing, did he know who we were talking about? Did he truly understand it? Adam wasn’t exactly who I saw fathering my future children. He was hot, and we’d known each other for a long time. It was exactly what we needed it to be.

“Can you guys just stay out of it? Like for once?” I huff.

Kyle rolled his eyes, and Bobby shrugged me off. Roderick never really gave a shit, and was more or less just talking about it to get under my skin, so his reaction was a sly smirk of satisfaction.

“Let’s just, talk about work, mkay?” I suggest, rubbing my forehead.

“So Finn being back is odd, right?” Roderick states.

The group nods in agreement.

“I’m glad to have him, but yes, it’s odd to see him in our neck of the woods.” Bobby replies.

Finn was a nice change of scenery in my opinion. New competition, new storylines to be had, etc. However, Finn was different. We’d never really interacted. Not personally. Sure he’d had his moments with Adam, or with the other Undisputed Era guys, but I didn’t play any part in that. I didn’t know Finn from atom, and it wasn’t like he was dying to meet me either, so I just thought it best to steer clear.

“Y/N, what do you think?” Kyle asks pulling me from thought.

“I think he’s good for the brand.” I shrug, nothing else to say but that.

We carried on without conversation a while longer before they left to do media, or whatever else. Adam was busy resting up from the long week he’d had that ended at Survivor Series, which left me as a party of one, to drink alone at the bar for who could say how long.

“Well, it’s good ‘ta see a familiar face.”

I heard a voice I recognized say I glanced over to see the talk of the brand himself, Finn Balor, sitting not too far away from me. I smiled, and took his hello as an invitation to sit next to him, though maybe it wasn’t, because he seemed confused by it. He didn’t say anything about it though so it didn’t bother him too much.

“Y/N, right?” He asks, his face expressionless.

I nod.

“Yep, that’s me.” I shrug in response, before sitting my drink and phone on the bar close to his.

“How’s ‘ya boyfriend? He ‘ad a pretty rough week.”

It takes me a few seconds to realize he means Adam, and I breathe a laugh, it seems I can’t escape the assumption me and Adam are more than what we say we are.

“He’s not my boyfriend.” I explain, ignoring the question. He cocks his brow.

“Oh?” He starts. “So ‘yer single ‘ven?” He asks.

I clear my throat, and tuck my hair behind my ear.

“Well..not exactly..we have a thing..we’re just not exclusive.”

He tilts his head, and gives me a cocky smirk, that tells me he either doesn’t believe me when I say we aren’t ‘exclusive’ or that he wouldn’t care if we were.

“So..single.” He states, not asking me this time, just declaring it to see if I’ll argue. I don’t. I am technically single. Though, I didn’t really want another fling with someone else either. I didn’t want my workplace getting too complicated.

“So, Adam, hm?” He chuckles.

“What’s funny?”

He shrugs.

“I coulda seen ‘ya dating ‘im. But, he doesn’t seem fuck buddy material.”

I can’t help but chuckle.

“And, why is that?”

“I dunno. He seems too..childish? Like I can’t imagine ‘im being any fun in bed. He seems too focused on making ‘imself look good.”

“He’s plenty fun.”

“Plenty?” He questions. “Are ‘ya suggesting there’s more fun ‘ta be ‘ad?”

I clear my throat and roll my eyes.

“Why? You have someone in mind?” I mock.

His smirk grows, and he looks me up and down, before biting his bottom lip.

“I might.” He flirts.

I feel heat creep up my face onto my cheeks, and I swallow the lump in my throat.

“Um..oh..I didn’t realize you wanted-”

He cuts me off.

“I said, might. I gotta know ‘wha ‘yer up for first.” He teases. “So, if ‘ya are interested,” He starts, before scribbling something on a piece of paper, and sliding it to me. “‘Dat’s my ‘numba.”

“Putting it off for another time?” I question, puzzled as to why he only made an agreement to make a move in the future and not just doing it now. He chuckled, and gave me a look that almost felt like a judgement.

“Darling, ‘ya aren’t ready ‘fer ‘wha I can do ‘ta you.” He winked, before taking his leave.

I cleared my throat and swallowed. I felt a strange sense of anxiety walking hand in hand with excitement. I didn’t know what to think about Finn’s offer outta nowhere. It was tempting. But would it be okay?

I know it’s not cheating. But, is it still wrong? Adam is my friend, and even if this is just sex is it wrong to have sex with someone else we work with? Isn’t it at least weird?

Who could I even talk to about this? Roderick never had solid advice, and certainly not Kyle or Bobby. They’d act like my cocerns for what might be considered an ‘unspoken rule’ is just repressed feelings for Adam. Or, they’d get mad at me for asking them because they-for some dumbass reason-probably think it’d hurt Adam’s feelings.

Would it?

It’s not like he and Finn were besties, but they didn’t hate each other. Was there any clear reason he’d be upset? One that doesn’t exist only in Kyle’s head, of course.

I pushed it from my mind for the time being. I decided it was best to just go to my hotel and sleep away the thoughts I had.

I didn’t hear from the guys again that night, so I was able to sleep peacefully, though, Finn’s smirk when he said I wasn’t ready, was still fresh in memory.

---

The next day, I sped through my morning routine. Shower, hair up in a bun, little to no makeup, jeans and a t-shirt, and out the door to meet my friends at the arena.

Adam seemed to be in a better mood now that he’d had some, even if it was just a few days of it, healing time.

He smiled when he saw me.

“Good to see you’re alive, since you didn’t answer any of my texts last night.” He teased.

“Well Adam, to be fair, you can only answer that ‘u up?’ text so many times before it gets old.” Roderick chuckles earning an eye roll from Adam.

I cock my brow.

“You didn’t text me..” I trail off.

“Yeah I did! Like twenty times!”

I take my phone out of my pocket and realize it isn’t mine, meaning it must be Finn’s.

“Shit! I grabbed the wrong phone at the bar last night.” I facepalm. “Excuse me.” I walk out of ear shot almost like I have to hide who’s phone it is. I call my own number, only to hear it ring from down the hall.

Finn, shows me that he has it with a goofy smile on his face as he hands it back to me.

“For a not-boyfriend, pretty boy seems ‘ta blow ‘yer phone up a lot.” He says, not giving me a chance to grab my phone myself as he slides it into the back pocket of my jeans, letting his hand linger, for a second longer than he should.

My back stiffens, and he cocks his head, and hums like he’s making an assumption.

“Still not ready ‘fer me.” He shrugs. “Dat’s okay. I can wait..” He flirts.

I feel like he’s challenging me in a way, and it makes me wanna prove him wrong. He goes to take his phone and I pull it back causing him to raise his brows, and await what I’m gonna do next. I grab his belt loop and pull him closer, before using my other hand to put his phone in the waistline of the front of his jeans, and smiling up at him.

“Don’t wait too long.” I wink, causing him to bite his lip. I give him a devilish grin before walking away. Back to my friends. I feel the blush creep onto my cheeks, as my thoughts tell me I should’ve kissed him, or let my hands travel even further.

The guys are talking about something, I’m paying no mind to.

“This is what happens when you don’t answer your phone!” Roderick teases, pulling me into the conversation I was too distracted to of heard any of. Now I feel guilty for being elsewhere, like I’ve let Finn overshadow my friends, overshadow Adam.

“Huh?” I question, hoping they’ll repeat it without asking me what my thoughts were consumed with seconds earlier.

“He hooked up.” Kyle states rolling his eyes.

“Oh!” I reply, a little surprised by it.

Don’t get me wrong, Adam was allowed to fuck whoever he wanted, but since me and him started sleeping together, we barely slept around at all.

“I didn’t know you weren’t getting my texts or I would’ve just went and saw you. I thought you were asleep.” He explains, like he needs to justify it.

Kyle clears his throat.

“Why would she care? She’s not your girlfriend.” He says, waiting for my reaction.

I roll my eyes at him, something Adam doesn’t see because Kyle never bothers him with his ‘big brother bullshit’ talk.

“I didn’t think she’d care. But it would’ve been easier to see her, so I’m just trying to give her shit for grabbing someone else’s phone.” He laughs.

Like I assumed. We were nothing. So why the hell was I so worried about Finn? There aren’t any rules if you’re nothing but friends.

Kyle still has an ‘I told you so’ aura wrapped around him. Gosh, I just wanna fucking scream at him I was with someone else too.

“Sorry! I was busy, stealing some hot guys phone by accident.” I say, pretending to be embarrassed.

“Ooh, phone guy is hot?” Adam chuckles, while Kyle furrows his brows, still unconvinced as if he ever would be anyway. I shrug with a smile.

“Devilishly.”

[fancoloredglasses]

Dungeons & Dragons episode review Module 1-10: The Garden of Zinn

(Thanks to Branded in the 80s)

The DM decides to add a romantic subplot into this week’s adventure (of course, this being D&D, there’s no XP involved unless we’re talking something like the Red Wedding from Game of Thrones...and I will not throw a link up as it’s more than a bit NSFW)

Additionally, we have the second adventure that doesn’t involve Venger. I’d say the DM is working on expanding his skills, but I really don’t expect much improvement...

Where the PCs are: Diana and Sheila are 6th Level, while the rest of the party’s at 5th. My prediction is that Eric and Hank will level up this adventure (assuming the NPCs don’t hog all the action)

We open with Bobby and Eric chasing down a lizard to invite it for lunch. One would think Hank could just shoot it, but no...he sends a whiny brat and Bobby to get it. I can understand Bobby, as he’d tenderize it with one blow of his club, but what good is a shield gonna do? Inevitably, the lizard escapes while Presto, Hank, and Sheila look on not 6 feet away. They couldn’t have gotten off their asses and helped? I mean, if they’re resorting to half-assed hunting for food it should be a group effort!

Meanwhile, Diana proves to be the only one who actually wants to do something about eating again as she’s fashioned a makeshift fishing pole out of her quarterstaff and has actually caught something! It seems to be too strong for her to pull in herself, so Hank and Bobby join in. Eventually they pull in...

(Thanks to Jenny Saqua)

...a Dragon Turtle! ...at least they call it a Dragon Turtle.  According to a future edition D&D Monster Manual, (the 1st edition one doesn’t have a good picture, so maybe they worked with what little they had...) this is a Dragon Turtle

(Thanks to Forgotten Realms Wiki)

Anyway, it grabs Diana. Diana attempts to brace its mouth open with her staff, but it clamps down, snapping it in half! Dungeon Master’s gonna be pissed... Hank fires a bolt that wraps around the Dragon Turtle’s snout, tying it closed. Startled, it drops Diana, but Bobby catches her with his club (using it like an uneven bar for Diana to flip to safety. You would think the club would be too thick for that, but MAGIC! I guess...)

Bobby then charges the Dragon Turtle, but Sheila grabs him back before it can have a bite-sized barbarian for lunch (though it did get a fang on him). Bobby tries again, smacking the water and causing a splash big enough to drive the beast away. Really? I’m guessing the DM just got tired of watching the group fail at getting food and decided to spice things up with a grudge monster to get things moving, only to realize he went overboard (a pack of lizard men might have done the job better). In any event, I’m going to say this was a small Dragon Turtle, so quick research nets the party 3700XP

Suddenly, Bobby collapses (poison? That wasn’t in the text I read! I’ll have to revise my XP award...call it 4550XP) As the group worries, Diana reassembles her broken staff (wait, it can do that? I guess MAGIC!) Hank makes the executive decision to look for Dungeon Master (do they really need to look? Usually he just shows up whether they want him to or not)

After aimlessly walking for who knows how long, Bobby asks for a rest (Hank’s carrying him, so he’s not expending much energy, but I imagine it still takes effort to not fall...) At that point Dungeon Master shows up (see?) and says that, although his own magic can’t help Bobby, he says the foot of a Yellow Dragon will cure the poison, and that it can be found nearby in the garden of Queen Zinn, whose kingdom is to the north (WHAT?! the DM’s actually using a map for once?! He IS stepping up his game!)

Speaking of Queen Zinn...

(Thanks to Spud’s Cartoon Showcase)

...she is approached by one of her servants, a Phantom Stalker says that a “suitable knight” has entered her realm with a weapon given to him by Dungeon Master (wait, Eric? Is she looking for a court jester?) Zinn says he must undertake something called “the Trial of the Worm” to see if he is suitable for marriage...

(Thanks to hmcnally)

OK, after cleaning off my monitor...

It seems that she must marry a suitable knight (excuse me while I catch my breath from laughing so hard. Eric as a suitable husband...HOO-BOY!) or the spell she cast will end and she will lose her throne. Ah, so if the Phantom Stalker wasn’t enough of a clue it seems we’ve found our Venger Surrogate for the session

(A quick note that I can’t find any indication that Zinn was ever given stats as a character, so I’m going to have to REALLY guess as to her abilities. If anyone wants to dispute my conclusions, please feel free. I don’t think she would be on par with Venger...maybe Lolth? She seems to give off a similar vibe, but without the spider motif)

Meanwhile, Eric’s complaining that he’s still hungry (seriously guys, STOCK UP BEFORE LEAVING TOWN!) and finds a convenient bag of food just lying that (do you smell a trap? I smell a trap. Unfortunately, Eric can only smell food...) As Eric walks off with the bag, the owner shows up...

(Thanks again to Jenny)

The being, who calls himself Solars, chastises Eric for his thievery before giving the starving party the food. He then sees Bobby’s weakened state and offers to look after him. Sheila stays behind while the rest of the party look for the Yellow Dragon (You know, there’s no entry in any of the 1st edition books about a Yellow Dragon. I smell shenanigans) Solars warns the party that the Garden of Zinn is evil, but the party doesn’t have much of a choice (so once again we are splitting the party. I swear, this DM must be a masochist)

Later, the party goes from the...jungle, I guess...to yet another wasteland called the Valley of Smoke (and the DM once again displays his lack of basic ecosystem knowledge) when they come to a fork in the road. Eric immediately declares Solars to be evil and wants to turn back to...do what exactly? Hide behind his shield menacingly?

Just then, Dungeon Master arrives and sounds...a bit off. For starters, he’s not speaking in riddles. Hank is immediately suspicious. Eric manages to outwit the fake Dungeon Master, just as another Dungeon Master shows up and praises him (OK, that should raise another red flag or two...) and the pair fight. You would think it would be an epic Wizard’s Duel, but it’s more a magical shoving match.

(Jenny again)

The one still standing boasts he will destroy the imposter, which to the party means that this is the actual imposter (as Dungeon Master preaches mercy to his opponents) and attacks, wrapping him in a bolt from his bow. This Dungeon Master immediately transforms into a Phantom Stalker. It throws a taunt and vanishes. That nets 375XP to the four on-hand (I’ll bet Eric’s happy he′s not the one getting shafted on XP when the party splits for once) The party asks Dungeon Master what road to take. He points them to the right road (”...which is not the left” DIANA: That’s the real Dungeon Master, all right!) Dungeon Master waves farewell (instead of vanishing...hmmm...) and gives a sinister grin before transforming into another Phantom Stalker (so neither was Dungeon Master? Well played, DM...)

Meanwhile, at Solars’ hut, Sheila looks for a blanket for Bobby and discovers a chest with a crown, robe, and sword within. Solars immediately slams it closed and yells at Sheila. When asked, he claims they belong to someone who is long gone. Nothing sinister about that... Anyway, he gets a blanket for Bobby as we fade back to......the end of the road (literally) The road the party is traveling abruptly ends, and tentacles emerge from the sand and attack the party!

(Hi Jenny!)

Dungeon Master once again shows up, and when Eric demands he help, he refuses. Eric concludes that this is the Phantom Stalker. That’s when another Dungeon Master shows up, and says that he, too, is an imposter! The Phantom Stalkers mention the Trial of the Worm as the party is pulled under the sand! Later, the party (except Eric) is deposited in an underground cavern (splitting the party farther? the DM IS a glutton for punishment, isn’t he?) Oops, never mind. the DM just decided to drop Eric a bit late and in comedic fashion

(Yep, Ms. Saqua again)

(I really get the impression that Eric pissed off the DM before this campaign started. Does he owe the DM money or something?)

(Thanks to DamnSpiffy)

Then the DM reminds Presto that he has a paralyzing fear of worms...as a group of them crawl over his feet. Diana wonders if this is the “Trial of the Worm” the Stalkers mentioned.

Back at the hut, Bobby is getting worse, and Solars inadvertently reveals he’s under a spell, but refuses to say anything about it. (I’m getting the impression that, unlike Eric, Sheila is enjoying her subplot...however brief her scenes are)

Back in the tunnel, Presto is about to have an awful day as...

(Thanks to Villains Wiki)

...a giant worm attacks! Diana manages to jump on its neck and subdue it, riding it to the surface like a mount with the rest of the party. While there is no “Giant Worm” in any of the tomes, there is a “Purple Worm” that is close enough to base the XP award on, so the quartet gain 7200XP. Conveniently, the Worm deposits them outside Queen Zinn’s castle, where the Phantom Stalkers arrive and escort them inside.

Inside, Zinn announces her engagement to Eric. Eric balks until he’s bribed into accepting, then he starts to see the merits of marriage. Diana then reminds Eric about Bobby, so he asks Zinn about the Yellow Dragon. Zinn then leads the party to her garden, where she shows them the Yellow Dragon...

(Thanks again to Villains Wiki)

...a plant with a foot-like root. She gives a piece to Hank (who is upset due to the fact that they likely won’t be fighting her) Hank, Diana, and Presto head back to save Bobby. Eric invites the party back to the wedding, even extending an invite to Solars.

Zinn, however, has other plans. She instructs her Phantom Stalkers to stop the party from reaching Solars. (Keeping secrets from hubby already? This doesn’t have the makings of a long and happy union...)

Later, on the trip back, the Phantom Stalkers try to stop the trio, but they have other ideas and combat ensues (but since the Stalkers can become intangible their attacks are ineffective). Apparently it’s happening near enough to Solars’ hut as he hear the commotion. Sheila immediately runs off to help while Solars grabs a potion off of his table.

Meanwhile, the Kingdom of Zinn’s Social Event of the Year begins as the priest starts rattling off Eric’s wedding vows (as Eric wonders when he gets the XP for becoming a King)

(Once again, Villains Wiki)

Seriously, Eric looks bored out of his skull.

Meanwhile, the Stalkers spot Solars and turn their attention on him. Solars then splashes the potion on the Stalkers and they turn to stone. Despite the fact that Solars defeated the Stalkers, the party did participate in combat, so I’ll award the XP for defeating the pair for 750XP total.Sheila then runs to Solars and hugs him, weeping a tear of joy, before Uni reminds the party about Bobby. As they run off, Solars begins to glow. The cure works like a charm and Bobby is fine.

Suddenly, in walks a man who claims he was Solars, but is actually Sir Lawrence, rightful King of Zinn. Apparently, a young girl’s tears act like Belle’s declaration at the end of Beauty and the Beast. It seems that Zinn cast a transformation spell on Lawrence, changing him into a beast until Sheila broke the spell.

(I am SO gonna ignore the romantic subtext that follows between Lawrence and Sheila. It’s one thing with Zinn and Eric, as he could possibly be 18, but Sheila is clearly underage (I would say 15 or 16). It may be cool in a pseudo-midieval setting, but not for a kids’ show in the 80s!)

Then Lawrence drops the ironic bombshell: once the spell on Lawrence is broker, it reflects back on the caster...

(One more from Jenny)

...Needless to say, the wedding is off (since Eric is a shallow ass who was only marrying Zinn for her looks, money, and power...and now she has none of that) I can’t really give XP for Zinn’s defeat, as it was the spell backfiring more than anything the PCs did (to be honest, if I was to award XP to anyone for it then it would be to Sheila)

The party as a whole (and the only portion Bobby will be getting XP for) receives 4550XP, or 758XP each. The quartet of Hank, Diana, Presto, and Eric (and the rest of what Eric will receive) earns 7575XP, or 1893XP (so Eric gets 2651XP). Remove Eric and add Sheila and they will receive 750XP, or 187XP each, so Sheila gets 945XP and the rest of the party gets 2838XP each.

No one levels up, while Eric is pissed at Sheila and the DM for ruining his chance at royalty

[thequeenoffools]

If I said parenting would be easy-  I lied (and I’m not sorry)

CHAPTER 1 (posted 3/3/20)

PG

There are a million things you worry about as a parent. Especially a parent to a young child. Especially a young mutant child.

Sure there are normal things like.. “what if they get hurt”, “What if they get sick” etc etc. Then there’s abnormal shit like “what if they get abducted by a government program”.

As a mutant- it happens more than you’d think it does. On that topic- you can trust me. I’ve had more than enough personal experience.

Thing is- I don’t want to see that happen as a parent. No parent of a mutant does. Especially if that parent spends their life working for ‘the cause’ and ‘saving the world’. Codewords for putting on spandex, fighting the military/police/government, and other people in spandex.

It’s a pretty cool gig. Let’s you meet all kinds of people. Then... well... shit settles down. Shit settles and you start worrying about munchkins. Which on its own is scary as hell.

Parenting? It’s terrifying. See everything’s good when you’re getting married. She loves you-you love her. It’s good. It’s great.

...Until around year two of marriage. That’s when the ‘b’ word comes up.

Maybe she talked to her friends. Maybe she saw a diaper commercial. Who the fuck knows?

Any way you slice it- the idea is now in her head.

And when the ‘baby’ idea gets in a woman’s head? Fuck is she determined. So, she waits. And waits. And waits.

And then she pounces.

“Darling... Kurt and Wanda are having a baby.” She says, looking all sexy- in her underwear at that. That’s entrapment right there.

But that’s old news. Kurt’s my best friend. I’ve known he and Wanda were trying for about a year now. We were all overjoyed when he announced that they conceived.

“Wouldn’t it be lovely if little Tj had a friend to play with?” Yup. That’s how it went.

The “Tj needed a friend’ excuse held up well with Mrs. Wagner. Who in turn told her husband to convince me.

He talked to me- which was really us sitting around with a beer in mostly silence.

Fun night.

She waited until after I ‘talked’ with him. Asked if I changed my mind.

Nope. Told her I shouldn’t be reproducing.

She did some stuff that night that kinda... swayed me. And then... then came the alcohol.

I was drinking- she was drinking- I got sentimental. Drunk Logan thought a baby was a great idea! Drunk Itsu did not help him come to reason. So, the pair of drunks went at it.

Cue the next morning. She’s hungover. I’m fine. We talk it out in greater detail. Then- Kurt and Wanda start doing baby things.

Itsu is so excited. She helps with the nursery, she helps to buy the clothes, she plans the baby shower.

She wants a baby, so, so, so badly.

Thing is- I saw how happy my friends were. I saw how much want she had for a little boy or girl for us to raise. I still had my reservations... but ya know the saying ‘happy wife happy life’?

Itsu really, really, really wanted a baby. For months she told me she wanted a baby. It’s not like we didn’t have the cash. Being a superhero is slightly lucrative. Plus, as a teacher- even if she just works at the institute- she makes a good little bit of coin herself. Wanda gets very, very, pregnant. Like huge. Seven months pregnant to be exact. Itsu was so, so, so excited for them. In that time frame- Scott and Jeanie announced that THEY were having a baby. That?

That was my wife’s final straw. Itsu’s eyes were daring me to say ‘no’. So I didn’t.

I caved. “Alright dear, let’s make a baby.” Were my exact words.

I figured Kurt and Wanda had been trying for about a year... and god knows his line produces a hell of a lot of babies- it would take a while for Itsu to actually get pregnant. A year or two? Time for us to really adjust to the idea.

I’d come to her way of thinking. A little baby would be fun... especially if it was with her. I couldn’t think of a woman I wanted to have a kid with more than Itsu. A little boy or girl to teach. To love. A piece of me and her. It’s not a bad idea.

It’s not like anyone could say we were rushing things- either. So, we started trying.

Itsu did everything she was supposed to do to ensure fertility.

It was a lot of work on her part. In the meantime- I got to enjoy making a baby. It was great. Sex four or five times a day. She’s turned on more, she’s receptive, she’s having fun- it was great.

Two months in- lo and behold she’s pregnant.

I freaked out a little. To be honest- so did she.

We wanted a baby- yea. But we didn’t expect it to happen so fast. We sat at the doctor’s office in shock.

Then we snapped out of it. We celebrated with all of our friends and family members.

Then- it started.

The pregnancy crazy- is what Scott called it. Slim said all women got that way. And that I was lucky my pregnant wife couldn’t read my mind and get pissed about shit I hadn’t even said.

Think he was talking about his own experience there. The pregnancy crazy is a unique thing.

You want to prevent it- but she’s so fucking cute when she’s pregnant, barefooted, and yelling over something stupid. It usually went like this.

3 AM - “Logan I want French fries”

French fries? At 3 AM? I was well stocked. But NOOOOO- they had to be from McDonald’s. That’s the craving part.

She won’t sleep until she gets her fries.

McDonald’s is pretty much open 24/7. It wouldn’t have been a big deal- except it was three in the fucking morning and I’d just got back from a mission in Romania.

But she and our boy- we’d recently found out what the baby was- wanted French fries. So I get my ass in the car, get her fries, come home.

“This is good but it would be better with a frosty.” She said.

Guess what’s closed at 3 AM? Wendy’s. Guess where the only place in the WORLD is that sells frosty’s? Wendy’s.

I improvised. Woke Ice Cube up- had him make her something. He was like seventeen at the time. Couldn’t get a girlfriend to save his life. Couldn’t understand the unique brand of crazy they hold.

Three years later- we kinda figured out why that was. Really shoulda seen that one coming. The ice cream wasn’t as good as a frosty- but it went over okay. Way better than expected.

The pregnancy progresses. Baby boy is taking up so much space. They’re saying this is easily a ten-pound baby. Which started to make Itsu a little nervous- if we’re being honest. Wanda and Jean assured her that the labor was painful- but she would get killer drugs.

We’re near the end and the crazy was upped about five notches. I’m talking maximum hormone endured crazy. I make one little comment about how big she’s gotten- bam. Hit in the face with a flip-flop. Repeatedly.

I got in trouble for saying I made a baby. Told that I did not ‘make a baby’ I made half of a baby. She was doing all the work.

Guess I couldn’t argue with that.

She always apologized after. My sweet wife wasn’t capable of holding a real grudge.

The delivery day gets here- baby’s fine. Mommy’s fine.

We look at our tiny bundle of joy with a sense of awe..and fear.

Little Akihiro came into the world screaming.

Four years now and he hasn’t stopped.

We’re raising him as best as we can- given the circumstances. Kid’s got a personality a mile wide.

He hangs out with Tj- his buddy in crime. A lot like her daddy is for me.

Kurt joked around and said something about marriage. Wanda hit him upside the head and told him not to put that on kids.

IF our lines ever do mix- it’ll be those two. We had to learn A LOT about things we couldn’t begin to understand.

I now know that you can’t leave a wet diaper on a kid, potty training a boy is really hard, and as a parent, you will never eat anything that isn’t from a happy meal or chicken in the shape of something else. (Aki seems to prefer dinosaurs. Don’t know what the difference is- but fuck will he let you know it’s not the same)

In our four years of parenting, I got another kid. A clone. Itsu loved her instantly. There was no way she was going anywhere but with us.

They were going to destroy her. We... couldn’t let them. She was a little one-year-old. The shit they’d already done was horrific. I wasn’t going to tell Itsu until I made up my mind- but Fury (who I think was kinda rooting for the

kid) ‘accidentally’ sent my wife a picture. She was instantly in love.

She said that we had the money, we had the room, and we had enough space in our lives for a poor little girl. So I went to visit where they had the kid- and she was so vibrant. Even after all they put her through. Even at such a young age.

She came home with us that day.

Itsu didn’t even wait for the ink on the adoption papers to dry before picking her up and toting her off to her new life. She’s five now. Laura- our little Laura. Love her to death. She’s a little trooper.

She doesn’t remember much of what happened to her. Thank god.

She just knows that her daddy took her away from somewhere bad and gave her a mommy and a brother.

I didn’t explain it that way- those are Itsu’s words.

Laura and Akihiro are one year apart. And because she’s a clone- there’s no way of denying she’s part of my family. She looks a lot like me. Which makes Itsu love her even more. Even if she had another mother.

Itsu was just made for shit like that. At the same time during those precious few years- Jeanie got pregnant again, Rogue got pregnant (god we don’t know how that happened), and Wanda got pregnant but lost the baby.

Babies are literally everywhere. The x-men are family orientated more than ever.

Fuck even Bobby was talking about adopting with his “Boyfriend”- code word for ‘fiancée’ that ‘no one’ knows about.

Most of us ‘x-parents’ were going through the same shit.

And by shit, I mean ‘x-women getting pregnant’. These women are naturally strong and trained in like fifty million types of hand to hand combat. Try telling a pregnant Rogue that she can’t have the last of the ice cream. Or a pregnant Jean that she can’t take up the bathroom for five hours. You know what you get? Punched. You get punched.

Ororo moved away to Wakanda. T’challa was ‘smitten’ as soon as he laid eyes on her. Think they’re having a kid- now that I think about it.

And I think.. it was a girl. Yea. It’s a girl. We’ve got a trip planned to go see her when the baby gets here. So how do you balance raising a kid and saving the world?

It helps that Itsu is amazing. Truly amazing. She takes care of the home front when I can’t. It’s a lot to put on her... but she handles it well.

She doesn’t get to leave the house much.

And until the kids are in school- she really won’t get to have much of a job. That’s her decision- not mine. I let her do what she thought would be right for her. Her not getting out of the house is a shame though. I love it when we go out

In fact, it’s what lead me to take her to a Gala with me tonight. A night out for her away from the munchkins.

I hate going to these things but Chuck insists that at least one team be there. I drew the short straw.

Some fancy event with everyone dressed up in some stuffy opera house like thing watching a boring play and seeing some shitty art.

Bores the hell out of me. Not as much as the talking afterward, though.

Putting a face on the leading mutant team. Giving the people something they can positively relate to. (Chuck’s words)

Remy and Rogue are here somewhere. I don’t know where.

Knowing them? A night out without their little one? They have a two-year-old. You can bet they’ve snuck away to some random corner of the place to have at it. I offered the same to Itsu. She just raised her eyebrow and smiled.

I don’t think it was a ‘no’ necessarily. But... we’ll have to see. We were talking to this random guy- more her doing the talking than I was. I didn’t know who he was. He commented on how lovely my wife was. I thanked him, she smiled, we did what we were supposed to do. By all intents and purposes, I was on my best behavior.

Even when I saw Remy sneaking off to the parking lot with his very intoxicated wife. I wanted to join but noooo. I stayed. God knows someone had to.

Random guy struck up a conversation with her- asked if she had any kids.

I guess that’s a normal thing to ask a woman in her early thirties. I don’t know. It’s not like you can tell she’s had kids. She’s as fit as ever.

Itsu is so proud of our kids. She told him, quite happily, that we had two. Two amazing little miracles.

The man was all smiles. Said he’d recently become a grandfather and that there was no gift greater than children.

He obviously didn’t see when my ‘gift’ threw my phone in the toilet this morning and ran off giggling.

Whatever. Chuck wheels over and greets the man. Turns out he’s some kind of Prime Minister. Go figure. He’s looking at investing funding in the school- big deal. He asks if he can meet with Itsu and me over dinner to discuss it.

We were happy- we sealed the deal. It was as good as done. We of course agreed. However, as we’re parting, he says “And bring the little ones.” We had a shared moment of sheer panic.

Our kids?

Not well behaved.

Not even decently behaved.

Nowhere near Prime Minister level.

But he’d already walked away.

I turned to Itsu and said we could tell him they were both sick.

She agreed.

Chuck- on the other hand- said we had to bring the kids. The only reason the man was really interested was that we were a family. He liked that. We needed the ‘miracles’.

Fuck.

The dinner is set for two days from now.

And we are royally fucked.

“We’ll bribe them,” Itsu says, gripping my arm as we walk down the many, many concrete steps in front of the building. (Which is some ugly color of red that I can’t begin to identify.)

She’s dressed beautifully in a black silk gown that has a slit up the side that nearly reaches her hip. Strapless, low cut- all of my favorite things. Her hairs pinned up high on her head- which is amazing considering how long it is. At night I like to run my fingers through it. She usually lets Laura brush it before bed- god only knows why- but it’s one of the girl’s favorite things to do.

“Yea?” I pat her hand on my arm. “With what?” I made it a point to not dress as fancy as she did.

One- because I hate these things, and two- because Slim told me to so I have to do the opposite of what he told me.

They’re just lucky I’m not wearing jeans. “Anything.” She says. “Anything their hearts desire.” Her voice is calm and soothing. She’s got a plan. I know that sound anywhere.

“Pretty sure that’s world domination- babe,” I smirk. “Or candy. Who knows with those two?” Itsu sighs and closes her eyes.

“I can’t imagine Aki as a dictator.” She says, carefully reaching the last step. She didn't wear her heels tonight because it makes her a lot taller than me. I didn't mind but... she did. Whatever.

They're her feet. “He’s got too short of an attention span and too much love for his mommy.” I have to chuckle. “Laura could do it,” I say. Itsu nods. “Laura could do it.” Our girl could definitely be running shit some day.

Not that Aki couldn’t... but she likes she said- the boy’s got a very, very, VERY short attention span. I think he’d find it kinda boring. We walk back to our car, stewing on what we’re going to do.

The car is not what we started off with. It's more 'sensible'. Meaning 'boring and slow'. A journey? Who wants to drive a journey?

“We’ll make a list of acceptable things.” She says finally, buckling her seatbelt in our Dodge. She immediately kicks off her flats and pulls her feet under her in the seat. She can only be fancy for so long. I love that about her. “And they’ll follow the list.”

Yea.. that'll happen.

“Aki can’t follow simple directions.” I laugh, pulling out of the crowded parking lot. “How’s he going to follow a list?”

“We’ll bribe him.” She repeats. "There's got to be something he'll behave for."

I laugh again. "Let's see... toys? No. Candy? Not really. We have some luck with pancakes- but he won't eat them that late in the day...."

"We'll find something." She assures. "We have to start with him. Laura will follow suit."

“Hmm.... he’ll be easier than Laura,” I say in thought.

“Laura can be bribed with enough money,” Itsu says.

It’s true. Our girl has a thing for cash. She never uses it on anything- just hoards it. Like a tiny ferocious little dragon.

“So... bribing the kids,” I say. “That’s our plan?” “That’s our plan.” She nods. “No way that can backfire.” I laugh, taking her hand and holding it while I pull out into the road. “Have some faith.” She smiles radiantly. “The kids might surprise you.” I hope so. I doubt it- but I hope so. “You ever thought of making another?” I ask. “Getting a redo?” She shakes her head. “15 hours of labor with Aki. And I’ve still got stretch marks.”

“Barely.” I snort. She glares at me.

“Bribe the children.” She says, still glaring. “We get through an hour-long dinner, say we have to put them to bed, secure funding for the school and call it a night.”

I nod. “Sounds good, babe.”

She returns my nod. “God,” she says. “I won’t be sleeping tonight. I'm so nervous.”

“That makes two of us.” I joke.

She smirks. “Whatever will we do with all this alone adult time?”

I kiss her hand. “I can think of a few things.”

She can bet after all this kid talk we’ll be using a rubber. One Aki is more than enough. Add in one Laura to the mix and well.... it gets a little messy.

Wouldn’t trade it for the world, though. My life was pretty shitty before they came along. I wouldn’t go back if you paid me. That doesn’t mean the dinner’s not going to suck- it is. But... we’ll figure something out. We always do.

[ijustwant2write]

The New Opie-Jax Teller x Reader (Part 2)

(GIF credit to @kylmatalvi)

Part 1

Masterlist

Summary: After finding out about the unexpected pregnancy, Jax and (Y/N) take everything into consideration, wondering if the new family member would really be a good idea; especially when (Y/N) is branded as the club presidents new play toy.

Meanings: (Y/N)=Your name

Warnings: Swearing, arguing

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Standing behind the bar of the empty clubhouse, I stared intensely at my stomach, wondering how much my body was going to change over the course of the next few months. Everyone knew how pregnancy worked more or less, but to experience it was a whole different thing. How was my pregnancy going to be? Would it be filled with me being sick almost every day? Having the biggest, swollen ankles the world had ever seen? Or would it be smoother, perhaps I would have one of those miracle pregnancies which all women are jealous about? Wait....where would Jax be in all of this? I didn’t know what his situation was at the moment, whether or not he had really called things off with Tara, or if he was still interested in the baby. The only people that knew were Chibs, Gemma, Jax and obviously Tara, I wasn’t sure how to break it to the others.

“So you’re gonna keep it?” Gemma asked as she took a seat at the bar.

My lips formed a tight line as I nodded.“Yeah. Jax wanted to keep it too. I just don’t know how everything is going to turn out.”

“That’s life for ya’. Planning to tell the others any time soon?”

“Yeah, just not sure how.”

“Might as well do it now, cause here they come.”

As they filed out of church, I couldn’t help but feel extremely nervous. It wasn’t my place to tell them without Jax, and we still had to talk through everything properly. They were all smiles as they spotted me, some leaning over the bar to hug and kiss me as I tried to mask the fear. Tig joined me behind the bar, grabbing shot glasses for everyone, pouring out the strongest tequila; standing by confused, I watched as the others grabbed them, all watching me. Shit, I couldn’t drink, what was I supposed to do?

“(Y/N), these shots are for you.” Tig started as everyone raised their shot glasses.

“Uh, why?” I asked, eyeing up Jax as he smirked at me.

“Did you really think you could keep a secret like that from us?”

“What secret-”

“They know (Y/N).” Jax explained.

“You told them without me?!”

“We forced him too, had to stick our noses in it.” Tig wrapped an arm around me.

“Well, what do you all think?”

“What do you mean?”

“Like, the situation we’re in.”

Jax sighed.“(Y/N), don’t-”

“No, I’m genuinely curious, what did you guys think when he told you?”

Bobby spoke up.“If you think we’re judging you then I’m a little disappointed in you. Who cares that it weren’t planned? You and Jax have been messing around since you were teenagers, it’s about time something brought you two together.”

“But Tara-”

“Stop stressing lass, it’s not good for the baby.” Chibs warned me.“Now are we toasting or what?”

Although I was happy that I had all these amazing people around me, I still felt awful about the entire situation. I had broken up a family (even if they were going through their own problems). The kids were going to be so confused, Tara would have a target on the back of my head for the rest of my life, and I actually had to sort out everything for this baby. Everything was happening too fast, nothing was being fixed yet, I couldn’t figure it out.

“Thought you would be out here.” I heard Jax as he approached me by Opie’s grave.

I looked up at him, hoping that he wasn’t going to tear me away from this place. Luckily he sat beside me, glancing at Opie’s gravestone.

“(Y/N), why would you ever think the guys would judge you?”

“I dunno. I guess I never imagined me doing anything like this. Always thought that I would have a clean slate, you know, not breaking up families.”

Jax tilted his bed back.“You didn’t do that, I did.”

“You can’t rule me out though. It’s not like we settled down together after you had a clean divorce and planned this baby! Speaking of which, are you even divorcing Tara?”

“Of course I am, why wouldn’t I?! And we’re already settling down, I’ve known you for my whole life! I know how to make you happy.”

“You’re not doing a good job of it now.” I snapped as I felt hot tears appear.

Jax just stared at me for a few seconds before nodding to himself.“(Y/N), are you worried about what Opie would think?”

“What?”

He wrapped an arm around me.“You’ve only just lost your brother and all of this shit has just been dumped on you. It’s a lot, but you gotta know that Opie would support you through whatever.”

“I know it’s just...I promised him that I would look after everyone and keep things calm, and so far I’ve done a terrible job.”

“You are not responsible for everyone, especially now.”

“I just want things to be the way they were. I want him back!”

“Me too, me too.” He held me close as I wailed, letting out the pent up tears and emotions; I blamed it on the hormones.“Do you still want to call him Opie?”

“If the baby is a he.” I sniffed, glad that he was trying to distract me.

“I’m staying with you tonight.”

“You don’t have to-”

“(Y/N), you’re my girl, I want to be with you.” He kissed my forehead sweetly.

“You’re really serious about this? You want this baby with me?”

“Yes. I’ll be there for every checkup, every time you crave something, every time you throw up your guts in the morning. I’m gonna be with you through it all.”

Weeks passed by, already leading me to my second trimester. Although I had felt symptoms from day one, seeing my bump made it all the more real. Everyone stayed true to their word and supported me, especially Jax. He had officially moved in with me, filing for a divorce with Tara alongside running the club. So much was happening around us, not all of it good either. Although Tara was adamant that she wanted Jax to stay away from her, she couldn’t deny him the right of seeing his children, especially since Abel wasn’t even her child. Today was one of those days, but Jax wasn’t home, having an emergency at the club; as I waddled over to the door, I could only imagine what sort of conversation would ensue.

“Hi.” I greeted trying to be civil.

“Hi.” Tara plainly replied.“The boys have their usual things, Abel has some reading homework though so that will have to be done.”

I nodded, smiling down at the boys as Abel dragged his younger brother into the house.“I’ll make sure that gets done. Thanks for dropping them off.”

“Yeah, is Jax here?”

Oh god, here we go.

“Uh, no. Just got a bit busy but he’ll be back soon.”

“I need to speak with him.”

“I’ll make sure he calls you.”

“No need. I can wait.”

“He might be a while.”

“All the more reason for me to stay, you’re a pregnant woman, it’s not good for you to be on your feet all day.”

She slipped past me, that annoying smirk showing on her face. Making herself at home, I unwillingly followed her to the living room, watching the boys struggle to turn on the TV. Tara beat me to it, taking the remote from them to turn on their cartoons. 

“Must be stressful.” Tara started, following me to the kitchen. I was not about to argue in front of the kids.

“What?”

“You’re pregnant with the president of an outlaw biker gangs baby-”

“Well you would know what that feels like.”

She glared at me.“You’re also breaking up a family, causing problems for me and your brother just died.”

My eyes widened.“Excuse me?”

“It’s not good for you.”

“You can talk shit about anything, I don’t care if you spread the nastiest rumours about me, but you will never mention my brother again!”

She seemed like she regretted what she said, but tried to stand her ground.“We were fine until you slept with Jax.”

“Who are you kidding Tara? He came to me because you were arguing. He was done with the relationship a long time ago.”

“You are so lucky to be pregnant right now-”

“You and me both. But I don’t really want to be giving birth in prison.” I crossed my arms on top of my bump, waiting to see if she would snap back. When she didn’t, I spoke again.“Tara, I know what I’ve done. I never had any intention of doing this. But Jax has moved on, you need to as well. We’re gonna be seeing each other a lot because of Able and Thomas, so I suggest we get along somehow. Don’t let these kids grow up around this, especially mine.”

“I’ll talk to Jax later.” She stated, kissing the boys on their heads before leaving.

I watched her drive off from the living room window, hating the fact that she wanted to make this difficult. Jax had a lot to answer for when he came home, I couldn’t be under this much stress. Glancing back to Abel and Thomas, who were in a hypnotic trance with the TV, I prayed for an easy babysitting gig, their mom was enough work.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The third trimester.

I was almost there, so close, yet so far.

It only took four steps for me to be out of breath, I truly believed that I had the biggest baby in history. As Jax helped me into the passenger side of the car, I groaned as he struggled to put on my seat belt.

“The sooner he’s out, the better we’ll all be.”

Jax was trying not to laugh, knowing how angry I would be if I caught him doing so. He jogged to the drivers side, buckling himself in before hesitating. 

“Jax?”

“I can’t believe we’re doing this.”

“What?”

“We’re having a baby.”

“Did it really take you until my eighth month to figure that out?”

“I was the same with Abel and Thomas. It never gets normal.”

“Well you can take as many night shifts to make it normal.”

I relied heavily on Jax as we approached Opie’s grave, having him lay down the flowers for me. I kissed my fingers, laying it on the gravestone tenderly.

“Well, we’re almost there Ope,” I started,“he’ll be coming soon.”

“Two more weeks.” Jax squeezed my hand.

“He must know that his name is Opie cause he’s been giving me trouble since day one.”

“Wish you were here to see it brother.”

“You would be an amazing uncle.”

“We’ll tell him all about you. Our Ope is gonna know everything about you.”

“And he’ll play with your kids, they’ll be close cousins that play and bicker with each other all the time.”

“Yeah and...babe you OK?”

My hand had shot to my stomach, a sharp pain erupting through me. I hadn’t felt anything like this before, and my instincts knew what was about to go down.

“Jax, we need to move!” I panicked, trying to take quick steps.

“Woah, slow down, is it happening?!”

“I think so and I am not breaking my waters on my brothers grave!” 

We stumbled to the pathway away from all the graves. I let out a high pitched gasp as liquid shot down my legs, indicating that I was about to go into labour.

“Jax, he’s not supposed to come yet!”

“I know, I know, don’t panic!” Jax tried to stay calm.

“My overnight bag is at home, all the things I need-”

“Don’t worry about that, we just need to get you to a hospital!”

Jax sped down the roads, thinking he was on his bike as we rushed to the hospital. Not being able to speak (I was screaming and groaning in agony, no one else needed to hear that), I messaged family members rapidly, begging for someone to bring me my things. I hated that this was unorganised, I hated that I couldn’t plan this, why were babies so difficult?!

After going through the most painful, torturous hours of my life, I finally gave birth to my son, Opie. Jax was beside me for every moment, letting me crush every bone in his hand, having me shout and curse in his face before serenity reached us.

“Opie, he’s finally here.” Jax breathed as our baby was rested on my chest.

I started uncontrollably crying.“He’s here, he’s here and I already love him so much.”

“You’re named after one of the greatest people we ever knew, and I just know you’re gonna live up to that name.”

“You’re the new Opie, but we’ll never forget the old one.”

[ryanmeft]

Ranking the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Part 1

The culmination of the superhero ride that started with Iron Man back in 2008 is almost here. Avengers: Endgame tickets are selling out fast even though the movie is nearly three weeks away, and speculation as to how this stage of Marvel’s box office juggernaut will all end is at a fever pitch. What better time to rank the movies that have brought us here? Now, no one with even a tiny bit of objectivity sincerely believes Marvel had a ten year plan and executed it precisely according to a grand vision. Looking back through these movies makes it clearer than ever that, more often than not, they made it up as they went along. In fact, considering all the retcons, changed minds, dropped plot threads and unexpected surprises, it’s amazing the continuity holds together at all. It mostly does...but the bottom part of this list contains the few movies even Marvel’s PR team probably wishes they could have a mulligan on, as well as some good-but-not-quite-lighting-the-world-on-fire fare. Let’s get to it. Warning: this article contains spoilers for nearly every movie in the MCU.

21. Iron Man 2

The red-headed stepchild of the MCU. After the surprise success of the original Iron Man, Marvel Studios apparently forgot that the strength of that film was allowing Jon Favreau and the writing team to put heart before brand synergy, and decided to make a movie that was half marketing for their planned Avengers crossover. Dropping Black Widow in here felt completely jarring, and it didn’t help that her role just added to the jumble of plot threads that didn’t seem to add up to anything; at the time, many saw it as proof that Marvel was putting a little too much faith in their ability to pull off this whole crossover thing. That’s only part of the sordid story, though, because the movie is also a mess in nearly every other way. Rather than the tight plotting of the original, this one sees Tony, Rhodey, Pepper and the rest speeding from random situation to random situation---a car race, an unhinged party, a spy caper---with only the barest of plot threads holding it all together. The movie’s only saving graces are the villains played by Sam Rockwell and Mickey Rourke. Each of them deliciously devours every scene they are in, providing the film’s lone moments of enjoyment, but they’re also squandered on what feels like an extremely low stakes plan. Iron Man so well proved that superhero movies can have a soul that it even managed to make some critical best-of lists for 2008. The sequel made us wonder if that might have been a tad premature.

20. The Incredible Hulk

There are some genuinely creative moments in this action-oriented “apology” for the in-reality-pretty-good Ang Lee Hulk movie. The opening sequence showing how Hulk’s blood travels, a chase through a Brazilian favela, tossing Bruce out of a helicopter to incite his other half, and the almost-love scene aborted by the alter ego were signs of how clever the movie could have been if it were not focused on cramming in as much smashing as possible. Nick Nolte’s complex antagonist is replaced with William Hurt chewing a little too much scenery, the new super-villain played by Tim Roth is a dull waste of the actor’s talent, the finale is listless, and the entire movie is just one long excuse to show Hulk ‘roiding out as much as possible. The camera work of skilled action veteran Peter Menzies Jr. and some excellent CG on the title character make it more fun to look at than many of the tights flicks of the time, which is something. As a general rule, things that are made to chase fleeting audience sentiments don’t stand the test of time, and there’s been a quiet reversal since 2008 in which Lee’s more original and creative vision for the character has come to be re-evaluated, while this one has been almost forgotten and relegated to endless TNT re-runs. Maybe with Mark Ruffalo having one more movie on his contract, he’ll get a crack at doing it right post-Endgame.

19. Thor: The Dark World At the time, this movie served as iron-clad proof that the only reason the Thor character worked at all was Loki. The god of mischief is at his delicious then-best here, conniving from a prison cell, partnering with his brother out of genuine concern, and eventually managing to actually take the throne. Sure, that latter development was quickly undone in the next film, but what a parting shot. He’s the only aspect of the movie that fully works, and if you pop it in today you sit patiently waiting for his scenes and snoring through the second, Loki-free half of the movie. Thor himself is lifeless when Loki’s not on screen. The Warriors Three are still nowhere near the right balance of humor and bravery. Natalie Portman remains wasted on a supposedly genius scientist who can nevertheless be stunned into immediate silence by Thor’s golden locks, while Sif is still 100% unnecessary in every way. Perhaps worst of all, the underrated Christopher Eccleston is miscast as a villain who always seems to be doing bad Shakespeare. We all tried hard to forgive it at the time (and director Alan Taylor claims it was made “a different movie” in the editing room, not at all implausible) but thankfully we’ve since admitted this is mostly a misfire.

18. Ant-Man

If you were to judge Ant-Man entirely by the size-changing shenanigans, it would be one of the best Marvel movies. Peyton Reed, building off a script by departing director Edgar Wright and Joe Cornish (and tidied up by Rudd and Adam McKay) gets a ton of mileage out of the novelty of being the size of an insect, from outrunning a flood in a bathtub to that rather brilliant final confrontation in a child’s playroom, using toys as ammo. Further, Paul “I Am Immortal” Rudd is pitch-perfect in the title role, while Michael Douglas and Evangeline Lilly bring a lot to the picture. It’s in the details where Ant-Man falls a bit short (pun intended). To start, we have a single major Hispanic character in the MCU, played by the frankly more-legendary-than-you-think Michael Pena, and he’s reduced to a fast-talking stereotype. Judy Greer and Bobby Cannavale are also worlds better than their roles, which are, respectively, a cliche shrewish ex-wife and a cliche over-suspicious cop. What really drags things down, though, is the lackluster villain, who may be the most inert black hole in the MCU’s rogues gallery. He is neither good enough to engage us, nor bad enough to hate. He could have been played by a grip, for all the personality he’s allowed. The core of the film is delightful. The hill around it is crumbly.

17. Captain Marvel

Marvel’s first female-led flick is understandably a phenomenon, pulling down the sixth-largest opening weekend of all time and serving as inspiration to young girls and target to the kind of people who don’t want women in their clubhouse. So what about the movie that’s causing all this hullabaloo? It’s pretty decent. The movie can be summed up very succinctly as “safe”. It takes few chances and is more like one small step than one giant leap for womankind. Had it been released during the early superhero boom, it would still be fondly remembered as a major link in the genre’s evolution. As it is, it borrows from the buddy-cop subgenre to create what is essentially an adventure/sci-fi movie between Carol Danvers and Nick Fury. It stands out more as a callback to the kind of action pics made in the 90’s (when it is set) than the heavily marketed shared universe of the MCU, and includes standout performances from Annette Bening, Jude Law and Ben Mendelsohn. It meets expectations; it does not exceed them, and if you are a fan of the distinctive style practiced by directors Anna Boden and Ryan Fleck, you won’t find it here. It’s only a month old, and it may be too soon to definitely say how it will be seen as time goes on. Right now, it feels more like a solid first step for the character than a fully realized final destination.

16. Thor

The original Thor has some completely solid, indisputable charms. Chris Hemsworth does physical comedy much more skillfully than he is ever given credit for, it is the debut of Tom Hiddleston as Loki, the third act is a rare-at-the-time case of inventiveness in an MCU finale, and it’s always great to see Stellan Skarsgard in literally anything. I would watch two hours of Stellan Skarsgard eating lunch, with a clone of Stellan Skarsgard. His drinking scene with Thor is a seriously underrated bit of awesome. It helps make up for the fact that the movie has no idea what to do with most of the supporting cast, including in part Loki, who at this stage seems to flail around between personalities, having crazy forced on him in time for the final duel despite it not even being hinted at earlier. It’s as if director Kenneth Branagh just let him do his own thing, and Hiddleston’s not 100% sure what that should be yet. The mirror scene is objectively amazing, but he won’t really come into his own until Avengers. The Warriors Three are utterly wasted; Branaugh and the writers just never nail the right combo of comedy and camaraderie needed to pull them off. Sif is superfluous. Natalie Portman is one of the finest actors of our generation, here reduced to goggling over Thor’s pecs. It’s not bad, especially compared to some of the dreck that gets pumped out of the blockbuster machine. It’s just rather inert.

That’s it for part 1. I’m  going to be doing some Marvel/Superhero/General Nerd content leading up to Endgame’s release. Check back next Friday for part 2 of this list, and pop by Monday for part 1 of my predictions on the fate of each character in Endgame. Part 2: https://ryanmeft.tumblr.com/post/184208179827/ranking-the-marvel-cinematic-universe-part-2 Part 3: https://ryanmeft.tumblr.com/post/184372777282/ranking-the-marvel-cinematic-universe-part-3

[aabaker1]

Just finished Harvey Girls season 2

First spoiler-free Version. Season two of Harvey Street Kids or Harvey Girls Forever call it what you want, was...uneven. The season started and ended in good places, but there was a block of three episodes towards the middle that just fell flat. Good new characters, though only a few of them got developed. And I am really hesitant about the cliffhanger, it could easily go wrong in a lot of ways.

Okay time for the full rundown after the break.

Hoo boy this series had some highs and lows. I’ll break down by episode and then final thoughts.

Raiders of the Lost Park:

Okay does anyone else notice that the episode titles Netflix presents aren’t always the same as the ones on the title card? It’s not that big a deal, but come on, it’s Dreamworks and Netflix. A little consistency would be appreciated.

Nice way to start the series. This was a risky move, introducing brand new characters was one thing, but giving Audrey and Melvin, two established characters, brand new siblings? That was taking a risk. If I had to complain about something the tension and strife Dot caused in the season 1 finale was brushed aside way too quickly, but that’s a nit pick at most.

Dottie Rocket/Weekend at Audrey’s:

Good Dot episode, nice to see her obsessive compulsiveness get the better of her sometimes. But, Dot sill came back down to Earth in the end, even if it took a sugar-induced hallucination to do it.

Digital pets kicking the bucket, sigh, I can relate. But Audrey was just a bit out of character here. Not her recklessness, but her attempts at covering up. Audrey is not the type of person to hide mistakes, get frustrated by them, sure, but not hide them. Okay, she didn’t want to disappoint Lotta, but Audrey just doesn’t have that kind of deception in her.

Boy Story/ Puzzle, Puzzle, Toil and trouble.

And this is what I meant by character development. It’s nice to see that even the Bloogie Boys have limits, and legitimately like more than stereotypical boy hobbies. Also, nice touch remembering Dot and Pinkeye are friends.

Frufru, getting character development? Didn’t we already do this in season one? Okay, I know, people don’t just change overnight. But, for being so eager to be recognized for her brains, Frufru was a bit too quick to cheat. Though nice callback to Audrey Parkour. And I seriously don’t want to know why there’s an old well full of butter, that is just leads to several nasty implications.

Treasure of the Sierra Harvey/ Babies Day in:

And the character development continues, this time for TIny. Also not all old toys are dangerous. The treasure trove of old toys idea has been done before, but this wasn’t a bad example. Though I thought for sure Tiny was going to leave his action figure behind in the storm drain.

And a nice way to show that Lotta’s compassion can get out of hand some times. Also nice way to show that raccoons aren’t always jerks. Just gonna say it now, ninja pajamas, just ninja pajamas. Also, Dot, running bare-foot, outside, in the park? What kind of bizzaro world is this?

The Lice Storm/ Mission Impossibow:

This one kinda fell flat for me. Audrey over reacting is expected enough, but everyone going along with it, including Dot, that was a bit too far. But, the big letdown was the Harvey Avenue Kids. Okay we’ve seen them before in season one, but this was there chance to shine. And most of them came off as background filler, just like before. Penny was the only one who got any kind of development. But, she and bald Audrey did just enough to save this ep for me.

Decent episode and it shows Dot’s possible great weakness. She’s creative, but in a scientific, A, to B, to C kind of way. Imagining fantasy scenarios on the spot is just not in here wheelhouse, props to her stepping outside of her comfort zone.  Bow initiated the plot here, but didn’t get a lot of character development. But, I’m okay with that. The Bow doesn’t really need development. She’s the bow, the weird kid who does her own thing, sometimes you don’t need to add more to make something good. My only complaint is that there just wasn’t enough of her this season, but I guess there can be too much of a good thing. Did I mention Bow’s my favorite character? Could you tell?

Fandom Menace/Moby Dot:

This one was a meh for me. It didn’t do Lotta any favor. I know she’s the trusting type, but she’s not dumb and certainly not the type to willfully delude herself. I think this was a bit of a miss step. Thankfully they didn’t do the cliche of scamming Zoe out of the ticket she sold. Lotta’s online appeal did fit her character and kudos to Crush4you to being stand up guys and respecting their fans like that.

The Cheer Hunter: Dot’s entertainment:

And more character development in an unexpected direction. So far Zoe’s two appearances had her solidly in the antagonist role, but here we she she’s actually a person, not just a stereotype. Also Maria feeling generally dissed by Zoe fast-tracking Lotta felt genuine. It’s nice to see them do plots that don’t involve someone getting their comeuppance. And everybody coming together to cheer Lotta up was a perfect touch. Also, Dot and Stu being completely (whatever) to the whole situation was funny as hell.

And once again we have Dot at her Obsessive Compulsive best. She discovers a new side to herself and like Dot, naturally takes this to the extreme. Also, nice to get a glimpse of how Dot’s brain works.  Also, Fluffy’s still around, what? You do remember that was just a rat covered in garbage can fuzz, right?

I wanna Crush Your Hand:

And this is where the dip in the season started. I’m just going to say it now, I’m not the target demo for boy bands, not by a long shot. But, that wasn’t the problem I had with this episode. No the main problem was Lotta’s obsession taking up the whole spotlight. It felt like Audrey and Dot just got shoved into the background. Plus this episode just dragged. I’ve gotta say it, I think the two stories an ep format works best for this series. The double-length story just doesn’t fit, here.

Beyond Thunder Dot: Ten things I hate about Ew:

And this is where the season hit the valley for me. Seriously, you’re doing the “Let’s shove the environmental message down kids throats” Thing in 2019? I thought that went out of fashion in the 2010s. But, the most galling thing for me was all that character developing they were doing came to a complete halt. Frufru’s character development? Nah, let’s just turn her into a low rent Captain Planet villain. And since when did Dot get that preachy? I’m sorry but this got so painful for me I had to stop the ep and walk away. Ten things I hate about Ew might have been a decent episode, I don’t know. And I never will if I have to sit through this outdated, anvilicious garbage to get to it.

Something’s Glotta Give/Afernoon Contrite:

I think the main thing with this story is it made no sense to me. I thought Gerald and Lotta got together in season one, now Lucretia’s trying to hook them up, what?

This is where the season started to pick back up for me. It’s nice to see that even after the previous character development Melvin can still be Melvin. It’s nice to see that Lotta tries to fix things, even if she did it by accident, but naive Lotta is back and I just don’t know how I feel about that. Still seeing Melvin get a bit more character growth saved this one.

Can’t Hardly Wait/Bring it Prawn:

Ah that’s more like it. This touches my fanfic-writing heart. It’s nice to see Lucretia stretching her active imagination. It’s also nice to see the Audrey Girls and  Tiny encouraging her self confidence. Plus in short order we got return of Audrey the Destroyer, Sci-Fi Dot and Lotta Moon, what’s not to love?

Thank you! Thank you for showing that cartoon siblings can do more than just fight with each other. This almost makes up for the environmental debacle, almost. In one fell swoop we see Maria and Melvin get along and Zoe and Audrey put their differences aside and work together for a common cause. Bonus points seeing Zoe stick up for Audrey. Audrey may be an annoying twerp, but she’s Zoe’s annoying twerp, damn it! Also, anyone else imagine buff Zoe and Audrey when Dot kept saying aabs.

Hover, may I board with danger/free Gilly:

And here’s Stu’s character development. Stu always seemed the odd man out. While Zoe and Maria have Audrey and Melvin to play off of, Stu was just sort of there. Now we see his too cool for school attitude is really a front for him being sensitive and a little insecure, that’s a nice touch. Also Audrey gets to grow as a person. First she was just legit conning Stu for time on the hover board, which was really just a Segway without the handles, but then she genuinely gets into the contact juggling. And one of her plans actually works for once, what? Also, what is up with Bobby this season, last season he was the older kid who doled out sage advice and could be a little jerkish sometimes. Now this season the sage advice stuff is all but gone and we just get the jerk, everyone else gets character development, but Bobby actually backslides a bit, guess they had to cut corners somewhere. 

Finally a payoff to the running gag of Audrey’s goldfish issues. Nice to see that finally wrapped up. But, was it strictly necessary to give the animals voices? Okay, I admit it wasn’t so bad for Bobby the skunk, but every freaking animal? Yeesh, I mean there is such a thing as subtlety.

That thing you Dot!/Where the streets have no games:

You know, at first I thought I was going to hate bring Chevron back, didn’t she and Dot make peace back in season one? But, then I found that I really didn’t hate it. Dot used the wrong word. Chevron is not a frenemy, she’s a competitor and that may actually be a good thing. Dot and Chevron are very similar, they like to take hobbies to the absolute extreme and there’s nothing wrong with that. They two drive each other to succeed. In fact if they didn’t have each other they probably wouldn’t do half as much as they do. And Kudos bring Penny back and giving her a voice, she’s going to be the lead Harvey Avenue kid, I just feel it.

And here we are, okay, I’ll go through ep first before getting to the diamond-studded elephant in the room. Nice commentary on mobile games and how their designed to addict you. And yeah they really are just excuses to gather data. Also, nice touch Lotta and Audrey being the only ones who weren’t suckered in. Sadly Dot’s obsessive compulsive tendencies made her an easy target. But, then we go into that cliffhanger. Yeesh, that cliffhanger.

Finale Thoughts:

I’ll just say it. I know they were going to pull Richie in at some point. But to quote the Bow, not this way. The entire idea behind Richie Rich is that in spite of being the richest kid on Earth, Richie was a normal, average kid, who just wanted to make friends and have fun. He was never portrayed as being snobbish, sheltered or clueless.

Only now it’s clear Richie set up the mobile game and the contest to try to figure out how kids have fun. Not only is being clueless, he’s using money to try to solve his problems, which Richie never did.

And worse it’s predictable. I can tell where this story is going. The Harvey girls together maxed out the fun-o-meter, so Richie’s going to take them off to his estate to be his new friends and the Harvey Girls are going to bring him down to Earth.

But, they shouldn’t have to. Richie has always been portrayed as already being down to Earth. Now they’re going out of their way to portray Richie as a clueless rich kid who doesn’t understand how the real world works, and that is just wrong. That’s not Richie. Although nice touch with the Irona reference.

But, there’s something that worries me even more. Now that you’ve pulled the pin on Richie, where do you go with him from here, does he become a regular? I hate to say it, but I hope not. 

You have to remember, that by default, Richie is the biggest presence in the room. If you over use him he could quickly over shadow Audrey and the others, in fact, he already has once before.

I’m taking about Harvey Comics. For over ten years, Audrey, Lotta, Dot and their friends ruled Harvey comics. Then Richie, Wendy and Casper came along. And within a few short years Audrey and company were all but forgotten. I just hope to go they have enough sense not to try to make this the Richie Rich show. I think they do. I think they understand a way to use Richie right and they already done it in the same episode, with Chevron.

Chevron is a big personality, so they don’t overuse her. So far she’s shown up once a season and that’s just right for her. It’s all she needs. If she were on regularly she’d drown the others out too much. But, this way when she shows up it’s a big deal. I think that’s the perfect approach to take with Richie, less is more. Just don’t turn him into a clueless rich kids, please? 

[rodustbrevneag1970-blog]

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[caesarsme]

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[placetobenation]

It’s a “lose your championship” kind of week for the WWE.

First, we get Becky Lynch giving up her RAW Women’s Championship now that she’s going to be a Mom. Then, we get Sami Zayn being “forced” to let go of his Intercontinental Title.

Zayn, after getting some dental work to go along with his pandemic hiatus, says he’s still the champion but will now have to watch a tournament go forward to see who the next I-C Champ will be.

I thought the WWE handled Becky’s situation well with some human moments to start RAW Monday night with “The Man” and Asuka, who was just learning that she actually won the title and not the MITB contract during Sunday night’s PPV. Pulling the curtain back a bit and letting the ladies enjoy the moment for what it was as mothers was really good to see.

Welcome back to the brand extension! It’s now called the Brand Invitation and it starts with the announcement of King Corbin coming to RAW Monday night to face WWE Champion Drew McIntyre. Now, that’s quite the invitation to not only come, but face the #1 superstar on the show. NXT Charlotte Flair, who you could argue started this by being on RAW each week (along with Akira Tozawa and others), got things going by showing up on SmackDown.

They’ve done so much to make sure the bands are separate and now it seems, out of necessity due to the COVID-19 pandemic, they need to mix it up because of talent shortages. I get that, I just hope they don’t overuse it. Make it special and it will be ok.

STAR OF THE WEEK:

Becky Lynch – Congrats to “The Man” on her awesome news and impending birth of her first child. That opening segment on RAW Monday night did more to humanizing her (and Asuka) than anything they could’ve ever done. I’m glad they were upfront and honest with the WWE Universe, something that can NOT be said about their handling of Roman Reigns (and others) during the COVID-19 crisis. Now, as for Seth Rollins. That’s a different and bizarre story for later on.

MONEY IN THE BANK PPV

THIS is the @WWEUniverse we're living in. Welcome to the #WWERaw after #MITB! pic.twitter.com/GfLh2o4NqU

— WWE (@WWE) May 12, 2020

LADIES and GENTLEMEN … we have ourselves a FOOD FIGHT!!!#MITB @otiswwe @HeymanHustle pic.twitter.com/5swu9nAMUz

— WWE (@WWE) May 11, 2020

RESULTS

Men’s Money In The Bank Match: Otis defeated King Corbin, AJ Styles, Rey Mysterio, Daniel Bryan and Aleister Black

Women’s Money In The Bank Match: Asuka defeated Shayna Baszler, Nia Jax, Carmella, Dana Brooke and Lacey Evans

WWE Championship Match: Drew McIntyre defeated Seth Rollins

Universal Championship Match: Braun Strowman defeated Bray Wyatt

SmackDown Women’s Championship Match: Bayley defeated Tamina

SmackDown Tag Team Fatal Four-Way Championship Match: The New Day defeated Lucha House Party, The Miz & John Morrison and The Forgotten Sons

Bobby Lashley defeated R-Truth

Kickoff Show: Jeff Hardy defeated Cesaro

… Respect?#MITB @DMcIntyreWWE @WWERollins pic.twitter.com/TK4SUg1A4c

— WWE Universe (@WWEUniverse) May 11, 2020

RAW

RESULTS

No DQ Match: Bobby Lashley defeated Humberto Carrillo

Angel Garza defeated Akira Tozawa

Non-Title Women’s Tag Team Title Match: The Iiconics defeated Alexa Bliss & Nikki Cross

Non-Title WWE Championship Match: Drew McIntyre defeated Andrade

R-Truth, Ricochet & Cedric Alexander defeated MVP, Shane Thorne & Brendan Vink

Aleister Black & Rey Mysterio defeated Seth Rollins & Buddy Murphy via DQ

Shayna Baszler defeated Natalya

What we loved:

"You go and be a warrior, 'cause I'm gonna go be a mother." Congratulations, @BeckyLynchWWE!!!! What a moment on #WWERaw! pic.twitter.com/yWnHB3Dc4o

— WWE (@WWE) May 12, 2020

Becky Mama – As we said above, nothing but positivity from this one! Congrats to Becky Lynch and the family!

Asuka as Champ – Such an awesome and genuine reaction. Asuka has proven she’s worthy in the ring and over the past few months during a down-time in the biz, she’s more than shown she can be out of the box out of the ring too which should bode well moving further.

R-Truth – The dude is just funny and entertaining. Good stuff from him and Cousin Ricky!

That was a lot.#WWERaw pic.twitter.com/nZt2RLSceg

— WWE Universe (@WWEUniverse) May 12, 2020

Rey Mysterio Line of the Year – “What a d**k!”  – Mysterio to Charly Caruso after congratulating Seth Rollins on being a father and Rollins just walking away. Rollins of course got the last laugh though with an injury to end Rey’s evening.

What we didn’t love:

Zelina’s gang of 3 – While I do love the tension between Andrade, Angel Garza and Austin Theory, why just hand over a match with Drew McIntyre to Andrade (again) when he just had one a few weeks back? Just let the tension ride and let them fight it out for a spot against the champ? It would be a very good match and advance the story line as well. Missed opportunity there.

#WWEChampion @DMcIntyreWWE shows @AndradeCienWWE that he's also the champion of CHOPS!

#WWERaw pic.twitter.com/3WU331kRUs

— WWE (@WWE) May 12, 2020

Tag team champs losing on TV again – Just like the men’s tag champs on both RAW and SmackDown the past two months, it seems like having them lose on TV is a pattern. The Iiconics haven’t been around for over 6 months and they come back and beat Alexa Bliss & Nikki Cross in their first match. Seems wonky to me and doesn’t make your champs look strong. 50-50 booking. Ugh! Predictably, it sets up a title match at Backlash.

Just plain bizarre:

Seth Rollins – After being catatonic most of the night, a night in which he should be happy about becoming a father, he goes wild on Rey Mysterio, giving him a bloody eye injury at the end of their tag team match, causing a DQ win for Mysterio and Aleister Black. Then, after the match, Rollins is all apologetic again. All this comes after he shakes hands Sunday night after his title loss to McIntyre. I wish they could’ve, at least for a night, let him be happy like his fiancée Becky Lynch.

Brewing:

MVP’s Stable – Well, it looks like we’ve got the beginning of MVP’s stable now with Bobby Lashley coming aboard. Will it be long before Apollo Crews joins too? I like the factions, there’s no doubt. They were great in the Attitude Era and can be again! The MVP faction. Zelina Vega faction. Who’s next? Plus, a strong Lashley is better than anything he was with Lana.

"If you've got the guts, it'll be @EdgeRatedR vs. @RandyOrton in a straight-up wrestling match."#WWERaw pic.twitter.com/7dEE5fumEN

— WWE (@WWE) May 12, 2020

Edge vs. Orton II – Just a wrestling match? Something smells fishy here, don’t you think?

NXT

RESULTS

NXT Tag Team Championship Match: Imperium (Fabian Aichner & Marcel Barthel) defeated Matt Riddle & Timothy Thatcher to win titles

Tegan Nox defeated Indi Hartwell

Interim NXT Cruiserweight Tournament Championship Match: Jake Atlas defeated Tony Nese

Cameron Grimes defeated Finn Balor

Interim NXT Cruiserweight Tournament Championship Match: Jack Gallagher defeated Isaiah “Swerve” Scott

Kayden Carter defeated Aliyah

Matt Riddle defeated Timothy Hatcher

What we loved:

Your entertainment is here.

Tick tock. #WWENXT @WWEKarrionKross @Lady_Scarlett13 pic.twitter.com/GiBaAab6FT

— WWE (@WWE) May 14, 2020

The End is Here – The best thing on NXT this week was the continuing saga of Karrion Kross and Scarlett. After an amazing debut last week, a well-done produced piece putting EVERYONE in NXT on notice – not just Tommaso Ciampa – was well done.

.@TripleH, @ShawnMichaels & @WWERoadDogg have a message for you!#NXTTakeOver: In Your House streams on the award-winning @WWENetwork on Sunday, June 7th! House

#WWENXT pic.twitter.com/RzKgNXIs5v

— WWE NXT (@WWENXT) May 15, 2020

In Your House is back! – Yes, the infamous 90’s PPV’s are back for at least one night as the next NXT Takeover is an In Your House Special on June 7th! And having Triple H, Shawn Michaels and The Road Dogg Jesse James make the announcement with memories of their first matches at IYH 25 years ago was funny as hell too! I hope they use the old school graphics as well!

Congrats:

.@SuperKingofBros lost a bro and the titles. @Marcel_B_WWE & @FabianAichner are your NEW #WWENXT #TagTeamChampions! pic.twitter.com/5b1BquUw15

— WWE (@WWE) May 14, 2020

New Tag Champs – Imperium is now a two-title stable. Fabian Aichner & Marcel Barthel took full advantage of Timothy Thatcher walking out on his championship partner Matt Riddle to win the belts for the first time. Now with Walter’s NXT UK Championship, Imperium is getting well stocked to take over NXT.

Meh:

Thatcher & Riddle – Pretty quick end to this partnership. Now, I get that Thatcher didn’t like the comedy and off-beat antics of the “Bros,” but to end it so quickly and have a match the same night seems a little rushed to me.

Dinner with the Gargano’s & Rhea Ripley – Both were just kind of there this week.

Huh?:

NXT Cruiserweight Championship Tournament – I’ve enjoyed it so far, but I wish they gave them a bit more time. It’s been really good in-ring action. This week, we barely got 10 minutes combined in wins by Jack Gallagher and Jake Atlas. Now, we get Kushida vs. Drake Maverick and Akira Tozawa vs. El Hiro Fantasma in the upcoming week. I hope they give them some room to show their wares!

Aliyah – Why build her up as a new Rob Stone client only to have her lose right away?

Didn’t like at all:

HUH??! What is @ArcherOfInfamy doing out here? #WWENXT @FinnBalor pic.twitter.com/EkzHTx2TLP

— WWE (@WWE) May 14, 2020

Balor’s bully – Having Damien Priest come out as the man who attached Finn Balor while Balor was fighting Cameron Grimes seemed like a yawner instead of an OMG moment. Priest is just coming off a losing feud with Keith Lee and now having him get an upper hand on Balor to cost him the match with Grimes is a bit forced and yes, rushed again. It should’ve had more play time in it and a stronger payoff.

SMACKDOWN

RESULTS

Intercontinental Championship Tournament 1st Round Match: Elias defeated King Corbin

Dana Brooke defeated Naomi

Intercontinental Championship Tournament 1st Round Match: Daniel Bryan defeated Drew Gulak

Braun Strowman & Otis defeated The Miz & John Morrison

What we loved:

"This is such a joy to watch." – @WWEGraves @WWEDanielBryan advances to the 2nd Round of the #ICTitle tournament after an amazing match with @DrewGulak! #SmackDown pic.twitter.com/cGxaOYfEhr

— WWE on FOX (@WWEonFOX) May 16, 2020

Drew vs. Daniel – Give me more of this, please! Unfortunately, it’s a first round match and not further in the tournament. Would love to see these two do an ironman match.

"Are you your own woman, or are you just going to be @itsBayleyWWE's lackey and happy being an afterthought?" – @MsCharlotteWWE to @SashaBanksWWE

#SmackDown pic.twitter.com/3Odr5DYjYa

— WWE on FOX (@WWEonFOX) May 16, 2020

The Queen stirs the pot – instead of heading into the normal physical theatrics, Charlotte Flair got things going again between Sasha Banks and Bayley. Not only do we get a match with champion vs. champion as SmackDown’s Bayley will face NXT’s Charlotte next week, but maybe we get a Charlotte vs. Bayley vs. Sasha three-way dance too!

Sonya brings it – Daville continues to be dynamite on the mic in previewing next week’s mixed tag match with Sonya & Dolph Ziggler taking on Otis & Mandy Rose. She’s just being herself and it rings true! Well done Sonya! Keep it up!

Entertaining:

Main event – The combination of Otis and Universal Champion Braun Strowman was predictable as Tucker wasn’t available to join the new Mr. MITB against The Miz & John Morrison, but it worked. The double worm was fun and the right team won. Plus, we get to stoke the fire for Otis and his eventual cashing in of his contract down the road. Plus, I did appreciate the clean win and no shenanigans at the end of the match.

Huh?

AJ in the I-C Title mix – Isn’t AJ Styles on RAW? I see we are already taking liberties with the brand invitational.

Parting shots:

"Our job is to go out and be first-class professional entertainers and to give our fans what they paid their hard-earned money to see." – @undertaker #TheLastRide pic.twitter.com/z7hUQtaOWz

— WWE Network (@WWENetwork) May 11, 2020

The Undertaker: Last Ride – If you haven’t seen part 1, do it. NOW! Loved it and need me some more this week as part 2 of the five-part docu-series continues on the WWE Network Sunday night. Loved the candor from Mark Calaway and loved the fact that WWE didn’t shy away from using stars not currently with the company to tell the story, i.e. Jim Ross, Chris Jericho and more! You simply can’t tell the Dead Man’s tale without good ol’ JR!

Plus, the emotion, openness and access we’re getting from The Undertaker and wife Michelle McCool is fabulous. This is MUST SEE TV folks!

Thanks for letting us share our thoughts! Shoot me an email at jcrowe567@gmail.com. We’d love to hear your comments and suggestions! You can also check out my blog, The Crowe’s Nest as we delve into more pro wrestling, sports entertainment and the World of Sports. My apologies ahead of time – I AM a Patriots and Red Sox fan! If you’re not down with that, I’ve got TWO WORDS for you… NEW ENGLAND!

[evenstevensranked]

#25: Season 1, Episode 12 - “Deep Chocolate”

LET THE TOP 25 COMMENCE!!! 

Louis and Twitty’s friendship is put to the test when they end up competing against each other in the school chocolate sale. Meanwhile, Ren has made a deal with her parents to be nice to Louis for a week in order to get her own phone line. 

This one opens with Ren giving a presentation to Steve and Eileen on why she deserves her own phone line. Yes, phone line. As in... a LANDLINE. Crazy how today she probably would’ve already had her own iPhone since the ripe ‘ol age of 8! But, yes. It’s 2000 and Ren wants her own landline in her bedroom. 

Louis interrupts the presentation by running through the kitchen like a tornado and Ren naturally starts complaining about him. That’s when Eileen gets the smart idea to give Ren some incentive “If you can not put your brother down for a whole week, we will give you your own phone line.” Good idea, tbh. 

Cut to school where Louis, Twitty and Tawny are in the auditorium for a chocolate sale assembly. This is one of my favorite bits ever omg. A rip-off of the 20th Century Fox jingle plays as this scam artist with a rats tail hairdo(n’t) named Wallace Randall from Real Good Chocolate Industries walks out on stage. He tries way too hard to motivate the kids -- telling bold-faced lies like “Zeus sold chocolate!” Sounds legit. He announces that the grand prize is this fancy motorized scooter with a cheetah print butt seat. Snazzy. Mr. Randall says the person who believes they were put on planet earth to sell chocolate is the person who’ll be the top seller and win the prize. Louis' mind is so clouded by the scooter, he feels the spirit. 

I always crack up when Louis dramatically mumbles “that’s why I’m here...” to himself. I also love how Mr. Randall uses Shaq in “KAZAAM” -- a cinematic classic that boasts a 6% rating on Rotten Tomatoes -- as an impressive example.  

Louis really, really wants that scooter. So he decides that he and Twitty should team up to sell 400 freakin’ boxes, ensuring that they’ll be the top sellers. Yeah, I don’t remember chocolate sales working like that? I remember every student was given a suitcase-size box of assorted chocolates and that’s it. What the hell is this 400 boxes nonsense?! Then again, I mostly remember doing the Hershey’s Fundraising sale. Obviously, this episode is a spoof on the “World’s Finest Chocolate” brand -- which I definitely remember selling at one point, too. I checked their website and it seems like they cap it at 25 boxes, although you CAN order more than that if you want. But, who would??? 400 IS SUCH A STRETCH. 

I tried to check out with 400 boxes, and it said “TOO MANY ITEMS IN CART” ..........ya don’t say. Imagine paying $12,000 for chocolate. 

Ren struggles to be nice to Louis throughout the week. It’s pretty funny. She’s constantly yelling at him, and then following it up with an awkward compliment lol. She also thinks selling 400 boxes is asinine “You actually think you’re going to sell 400 boxes? You are a total and complete........ i...nspiration to all of us.” Good save, Ren. 

The next day Louis and Twitty are at the Stevens house trying to come up with creative (and insincere) ways to sell their 400 boxes, trying make the product seem amazing to prospective buyers. I think this is freaking hilarious. Louis says “I hand you the chocolate, you eat it, and then you say...” Twitty looks at his hand for the words “It’s a miracle. I can see again” which he repeats super robotically. Louis kills me here. “No... that’s not what ya say. ‘Cause you were blind -- and now you can see. That’s a miracle!!! YOU CAN SEE NOW.” He says that Mr. Randall said you have to make people feel that chocolate has changed your life. So Twitty dramatically falls to the ground shouting “IT’S A MIRACLEEEEE! I CAN SEE AGAINNNNNN AHHHHH!” and I die every time.

I’m pretty sure if one bite of chocolate could restore your eyesight, it would cost a little more than $1 per bar. 

Just then, Mr. Randall unexpectedly visits to personally deliver and congratulate them for setting out to sell an ambitious 800 BOXES. Yeah. Turns out Louis ordered 400 boxes and Twitty also ordered 400 boxes. So now they’re stuck with 800 boxes they obviously will never be able to sell. This is where the drama really strikes. I love Louis’ face when he realizes the problem: 

That zoom in, lol. It needed to be gif’d. 

Mr. Randall goes on to tell them they’re financially responsible for every box they ordered. Are you kidding me? That’s roughly $24k according to the World’s Finest prices. They’re 13. I love how Twitty says the title of the episode here! “Louis, we’re in deep...... chocolate” haha. Louis gets super angry at Twitty for ordering 400 boxes without consulting him because that’s how all the great duos work according to Louis Stevens: “Batman, he rescues people. And Robin... Robin... checks with Batman before he orders 400 boxes of chocolate!!!” I love that line. This leads to an all out war between Louis and Twitty. Louis takes his 400 boxes, and Twitty takes his. They’re officially competing against each other now. Twitty even says “this friendship is over!” Yikes. Let’s take a moment to appreciate Twitty’s face as he tries to talk while carrying large boxes tho:

The next day, Louis wakes up to find his family tap dancing in the living room. The usual. He’s up at 6am ready to start selling some chocolate, but Twitty is way ahead of him. Eileen already bought 6 bars from Twitty not knowing that they’re no longer working as a team! I love two things about this scene. Louis says “Me and Twitty had creative differences -- Because I’m creative and he’s different,” which is incredible. I’ve used this line irl before. And the second is Steve tap dancing while passive aggressively telling Louis to get his 400 boxes of chocolate out of the garage so he can have his parking space back. 

“I’m not gonna ask you again... *jazz hands* GET THEM OUTTA THERE!” Tom Virtue is hilarious. 

Louis then sets out on his chocolate selling mission and he’s absolutely terrible at it. He’s breaking into people’s homes, jumping on their beds... I can’t. Meanwhile, Twitty is THRIVING and coming up with much more creative ideas than Louis. Which is ironic because Louis just said HE’S the creative one, lol. Twitty’s ideas include a tricycle cart shop and a “Chocopalooza” performance -- a spoof on Lollapalooza obviously. 

Not sure how his fake Jamaican accent and hat with mock-dreads would go over today though. 

Twitty’s raking it in, and Louis has yet to sell one bar. He goes to Tawny for help but she refuses to buy from either of them because 1. The chocolate tastes like dirt and 2. they’re ruining their friendship over nothing basically. 

I love how Louis has a girl take a bite of the chocolate and asks her “Is that the best chocolate bar you’ve ever eaten?” and she says “That’s NOT the best chocolate bar I’ve ever eaten.” World’s Finest happens to be quite nasty tasting too apparently. Well, according to their Amazon reviews at least. So this episode is pretty much true-to-life all around, lol. 

Back at home, Donnie has turned their bathroom into a steaming hot sauna. This ain’t good because he blasted the hot water heater to do so. Which happens to be located in the garage.......... where 400 boxes of chocolate are stashed. 

It’s like that trope where someone puts too much soap in the washing machine and then leaves it unattended... except with chocolate, because this is Even Stevens. 

Louis and Ren notice some chocolate leaking into the driveway and panic. I mean, how do you stop 400 boxes of melting chocolate? “WE GOTTA EAT IT!!!!” is Louis’ suggestion, which is so funny omg. The chocolate leaks EVERYWHERE and we get this terrible CGI aerial shot to prove it: 

Mr. Randall decides to conveniently show up here and demands money for the chocolate. Of course, Louis doesn’t have the money. Steve comes waltzing over as well and both he and Mr. Randall start slippin and slidin all over the place. It’s a little annoying but... hey. Steve, being an attorney, threatens to shut down Real Good Chocolate for being a scam. One thing I do not understand: Steve says that Mr. Randall will get his money back. (WHY?! I’d refuse.) And he also tells Louis that he’ll be doing chores for the next few months to pay for the chocolate. Does he mean he’ll be doing chores for the entire neighborhood? No amount of chores would raise the $1,000s of dollars Louis needs, lol. (Again, I’m overthinking this. I know.) 

Naturally, everything works out in the end though. Louis and Twitty make up. Twitty ends up winning the sale and gets the fancy scooter, which Louis is cool with because he at least gets to ride it now. 

The last minute of the episode is Ren talking on her ~new private phone line~! Except it ain’t so private. Louis has rigged her conversations to be broadcast through two megaphones outside. 

I love how everyone and their cousin decided to walk through this residential neighborhood right as Ren declares she has a “major crush on Bobby Deaver.”

And that’s it! I just really like this episode. I always have. Idk what it is about it! There are quite a few things I find hilarious, which I’ve mentioned here. This one went by lightening fast when I was re-watching it, which can only mean one thing to me: It’s entertaining! I like how this episode actually deals with Louis and Twitty’s friendship as well as a bit of the sibling rivalry between Louis and Ren. I just think this one is solid all around and a good one to kick off the Top 25! Ayyyyy! Can’t believe we’re at the Top 25. Wow. 

Thanks for reading!!

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