#cant believe i was inactive for 3 months

[waerwena]

[siyzuii]

  ✦    ⤹    점점 더 난 네게 빠져가    ⊹    ❍

    ⟢    ₊    ↷ 𝒴ou attack my heart!

⠀   ͡ ׅ ۟  kassiadreams/siyzuii  ָ֢  ֹ  ֹ ۪ 𝟥 new layout? do we fw it?

✦   ⁔⁔ ۪   my first moodboard ever idek what they're used for but i love making them (not dr related like i said it would be.. but oh well i'm obsessed with chuu in the underwater mv anyway) i hope it looks decent?? might put one for every post if i feel like it heheheh ⊹  ֗  

☆⠀⠀𓈒⠀⠀ׁ⠀⠀this song is truly the cutest thing ever and a literal masterpiece at that, dare i say my fav kpop song!! ok now back to the actual post sorry LOL⠀ ׅ⠀⠀ ͡

── NEW INTRO POST 🔔

◌⠀ׁ₊   ˚  hiii!!! this is my shifting blog (and also my main blog)!! my username used to be siyzuii and i used to go by xylia or léa so u might know me from there but i go by kassia now! (close friends can still call me stella ofc)

i shift.. obviously anyway i've shifted to my dr 3 times now and shifted to parallel realities (on accident too) like a whole lot of times i can't even count

i have discord, tiktok, and instagram but i pretty much only use discord & tiktok, i exclusively use insta if there's someone i'm friends with that genuinely doesn't have any other socials.

note that i also only post shifting content on here. but i'm also 10x more active on discord & tiktok (mostly discord) than i am on tumblr, so feel free to add me (pls ask for my user first bc i have anti shifter friends and i don't want them finding this lol)

i also write and make edits (like every 2 months) yay!!!!

── INTERACT NEOW!!!

other shifters (specifically kpop shifters i need my spotify premium back. hi yes lets yap about our drs together pls) (honestly i'll yap with anyone about each others drs) (this is a silent invitation)

i don't care if you don't believe in shifting, if you respect people who do believe in it (and aren’t gonna force your beliefs on them) feel free to interact! i don't know why you would but whatever

cool people!!!

── GO!!!!

anti shifters (bye)

basic dni criteria

people who actively hate on everything (do you have a life?)

── WHAT TO EXPECT FROM MY PAGE

shifting content (mostly storytimes & yapping and whatever with the occasional sprinkle of memes)

shitty & messy blog layouts because idk how this app works

rants

yapping

probably me going inactive for either 2 days or 2 weeks straight (school keeps me busy and i already skipped my homework for this)

i might call u slurs if we get close!! (THAT I CAN RECLAIM)

me NOT talking about my favs (i cant openly talk about them idk why it's so embarrassing bye)

potentially horrid english because english is not my first language (i pull this excuse every time)

slow replies on here bc i forget about this app 24/7

── MY CARRD

kassiadreams.carrd.co

literally this whole thing summarized

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ♡ ͟ ׂ 𓂂 THANKS FOR 400+ FOLLOWERS I LOVE YOU GUYS MWAH !! should i do anything special?? if u have any ideas lmk and i'll see what i can do LOL

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ⊹ ׂ ok i know a while ago i said to drop some stuff in my ask box bc i'm bored but i havent answered any of them yet BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE TO FIND THEM UNTIL I GOT ON MY PC AGAIN so i'm gonna restart this time i SWEAR ill actually go over them from now on everything you ask i WILL see. thx guys!!!!

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ⋆ ۫ ໒ give me post suggestions i beg..

[starofhisheart]

Some updates~

I keep forgetting abt tumblr cause idk I got too used to the ease of twitter after migrating there after the porn ban so even tho im "back" and created whole new acc's here I just havent got into the habit of using them,, so if i have periods of activity and then loads of inactivity thats why lol. Also not currently in a hyperfixation so im just chillin~

Anyway trekkies look what I bought myself for my birthday last month!!!

I've been getting back into collecting dvds bc the state of streaming atm is awful and I am a Collector at heart and just like having physical copies of media i love. I dont really use my tv much cause its a bit broken so I've just been using my computer to watch em for the time being. Also bought the gay skating anime (yoi) which I've been meaning to buy since 2016 when it graced our screens for the first time lol.

Also I didn't talk abt the ofmd finale bc as an izzy fan I was crushed and even as a fan of the other characters and couples I was just generally disappointed in it. Such a good season and then to end it...like that. Well, lets just say my hyperfixation died with izzy's last breaths. I've moved on from grief and anger to just apathy. Not really interested in a season 3 anymore but still love the cast and crew and what the show inspired in me.

Speaking of s3's gomens amiright?!!!!!!! Cant believe that announcement didnt bring me back to tumblr.

Been trying to watch Neil's Sandman but finding it a bit hard to get thru. Ep 4 picked up tho and I love Gwen as Lucifer. God I'm gay. Also may have fallen for another anti-hero in dark glasses w a chip on his shoulder for his creator....curse u Gaiman!!!

I had a short but intense interest in Top Gun 86 when I stumbled across the movie and fell in love w the chemistry between Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer. I even got back into editing for them...should I post it here? Hmm, might make a post abt it after this.

Tryna go thru tos to screen record some clips for some trek edits but only on ep4 😭 so an edit is a long way away unless i get my act together. My edits r very basic and I like clipping them myself but I enjoy making them so thats what matters.

Anyway not makin any promises but I might be around more...maybe lol.

[avasillva]

how are there suddenly 2.1k of you? you’re all amazing!

anyways, i wasn't thinking of doing anything and ignored it when i hit 2k, but i'm steadily meeting new friends and gaining new followers and i'm so absurdly touched?? so here we are lol. honestly, after abandoning this blog for 5 years, losing friends who’ve mostly deactivated (or changed urls that i now can't identify jakahsja), and coming back to a mostly empty dashboard, i never expected to hit any sort of milestone, so this is a pretty special one to me 💜

for now, here’s a little appreciation post for my wonderful mutuals who make coming back to this lil’ blue hellsite fun (and who makes my dash a wonderful place to be!) *nudge nudge* make sure to check them out and give them a follow if you haven’t already!! 

also, a big shoutout to everyone at @blackwidowhub, @mcutv, and @filmtvcentral for having some of the nicest people i’ve ever met on tumblr. you’re all amazing 💜

ps. don't hesitate to tag me (tracking: #tuserlyn) in all your creations btw! i really enjoy seeing how creative everyone is be it with gifs or fanart. i'll always reblog/queue them (lets beat that sad ratio of more likes vs. reblogs pls) 💜

@adrianchse, @aleagueoftheirown, @andromedaa-tonks, @buckystiel, @deckstar, @edtomh, @jamiesclaires @karadnvres, @leightonmurrayy, @lenakluthors, @maziekeen, @miacoslucci, @morganapendragcn, @msweasley, @natasharomanovf, @nowayhome, @pegsccarter, @santacarlahorrorshow, @spidermaens, @star-kovs, @stolenxkissess, @tomhollandd, @userbuckynat, @userdanewhitman

[evergreenreviews]

Real Friends - ‘From The Outside’

June 4th 2018 // Fearless Records

If you’ve been following this blog for a while and read my review of ‘Get By’ in November, you probably know that I’m not really all that fond of Real Friends. That being said, I really do like their new single ‘From The Outside’.

This new track is not really like any Real Friends I can think of, and that’s probably why I love it so much. I said a similar thing about ‘Get By’ and I’m super happy that Real Friends are continuing to stray a bit from their typical sound. ‘From The Outside’ is still very obviously a Real Friends song (I don’t think you could ever mistake Dan’s voice for anyone else) but there’s something much more unique about it. The vocal line is fairly similar to a lot of their previous work, but the instrumentals sound, to my ear, very different. I honestly can’t pinpoint exactly what the difference but this track is much more upbeat than the vast majority of Real Friends’ discography. If it weren’t for the lyrics, one would probably assume this was a happy song. I was surprised when I first heard the intro and genuinely thought for a moment that finally Real Friends had written something positive, but the lyrics stick to the same themes as always.

While ‘From The Outside’ is definitely not going to be one of my favourite songs, and it still kind of sounds like a typical Real Friends song, it has achieved the impossible and actually made me care about this band - I can’t wait to see what their future releases will sound like. 

- Listen to ‘From The Outside’ here. -

[keichanz]

hey i'm still alive

👀

uh so. how's it going. thought i'd give a little life update in case anyone was curious or interested >> tho probs not ;lajdfk;l

yeah i know i've been mia for like. a long time now, and tbh there's no particular reason why. i know i've lost some followers because i've been so inactive and haven't written anything in a long ass time. i do apologize for that. a lot has happened in the last few months and i guess i just wanted to give my friends and follows a brief little overview of what's been going on in my life and to prove that i am indeed still alive lol.

so most of you all know by now that i finally landed a good paying remote job yeah? and at first it was amazing. now? not so much. the schedule sucks ass, the management is balls, and the actual work sucks even more. i'm not happy there anymore so i'm currently looking for a new job. and im so desperate to get out of there i'm looking outside of remote jobs as well.

right now i'm waiting to hear back from an office technician job right here in my town that pays $27 an hour. TWENTY. SEVEN. guys that's $8 more than what i'm making right now ($19 an hour.) oh my GOD if i made that money i'd be able to finally move out of this god awful house with a flea problem that i CANNOT get rid of (my poor babies :( i've legit tried everything, even fucking professionally treated this house with orkin to get rid of them, had both of them get flea baths by a groomer and STILL i cannot get rid of the damn fleas. it's so fucking stressful y'all you cant even begin to imagine), finally get new tires for my truck, and live comfortably with extra spending money without having to worry about paying rent or buying groceries for the month. i'm PRAYING i get this job. even if it's not remote that pay would make it SO worth it.

anyway. moving on.

i've also gotten into a relationship with someone i was desperately in love with, then got my heart broken because he ended things. it hurt a lot. i got over it though, with the help of some pretty amazing friends, and one of my best friends. and right now, i'm currently dating that best friend lmao. so i'm in another relationship, and i'm very happy with him. our relationship began at the end of june, i believe. (i'll never forget the day he asked me to be his. y'all my hearT MELTED 😍😍)

it's a long distance relationship as tom lives in canada, but he did recently come to see me as evidenced by the photo above. i love this man y'all. he's amazing. there is one thing i'm kinda worried about with our relationship, but i won't get into that because thinking about it upsets me. but anyway he makes my very happy. ❤️

so that's pretty much what's been happening. i just haven't really been inspired/motivated to write at all lately, and i do apologize for that. it's just been a very overwhelming few months, with dealing with this damn house, ending a relationship and starting a new one, stress from a job that i'm really beginning to hate, trying to find a new one, and just a few other small things that aren't worth mentioning.

i do hope you all know that this doesn't mean i've abandoned writing or abandoned any of my stories. it's just been difficult to write anything lately but that doesn't mean i don't want to. i still love inuyasha. it's still my favorite anime. i still read fanfic (on occasion, when i have the time as i'm pretty much in a 24/7 discord call with tom except right now because he's at a dentist appt which is why im taking the time to write this -3-) and i still do think about my stories. hell, sometimes i even get an idea for a good oneshot and think to myself "shit i need to write that down" but then i forget about it and hate myself for the next 24 hours -_-

so yeah. that's what's been going on. i'm still around. i still get on here and reblog a few posts, mostly the ones i'm tagged in or some nice fanart. i do miss y'all and i hope my absence hasn't upset anyone or made them think i'm done with the inuyasha fandom. i'm most definitely not. it's just...sort of taking a backseat for now until i sort some things out in my life. definitely not preferable, but it is what it is, y'know.

my dear readers, followers, and friends, i love you all so much and i'm glad you've stuck around this long even though i haven't been around. you're the reason why i'm still here, why i want to someday get back to writing and giving you more content to enjoy and gush over. thank you for your patience with me and still giving love to my stories after all this time. i still get the occasional review for one of my stories, and trust me, i read every single one of them and they make my entire day. it's so nice knowing people are still reading my work and enjoying it. maybe it's selfish, but i hope you never stop, because reading those reviews gives me a huge boost when i'm feeling down on a particular day and it makes me feel like i haven't been forgotten, though by every right i should have been.

okay i've rambled long enough. in short, i just want to say thank you. you're all rockstars. i love you all. ❤️

until next time, my lovelies.

[socialfake]

Hey maybe you can make something like Shawn cheated on you becz you were a chubby and had a lot of insecurities.he cheated on you with a celebrity.after taht break up you had a hard time being dipression not loving yourself.Then at a point of time you gather yourself and end up being a total badass and hot person and famous too then when you met Shawn at a riff off (you can continue) tysm<3

Your Side of The Bed

Shawn Mendes x singer!reader

Warnings: body shaming, implied depression and insecurity, cheating

face claim: luna montana 💕

I wasn‘t sure how to include the riff off in this 🤔 I hope you like this nevertheless ☺️

liked by shawnmendes, dualipa and 56.990 others

yourinstagram studio days >>>>>

view all comments

shawnmendes thank you so so much for finally trusting me with your voice baby 🤍 can’t wait to have you on the single!!

yourinstagram it took me long enough 😚

fan1 ewww look at her fat legs 🤮 he cannot be into her like for real

-> liked by dualipa

fan2 she really got the weirdest body shape ever lol

realfan1 wth she‘s sitting down and on like a bar stool how is anyone supposed to look normal in that? she is literally so beautiful!! ♥️

fan2 yea okay but she‘s still fat

niallhoran whaaat are you finally recording some tunesssss? 🤩

yourinstagram yeaaaa i did a lil something with my boi 🙈

dualipa omg i gotta visit you in the studio sooon bby 💜

yourinstagram only doing back vocals for now hehe

dualipa kay then shawnmendes will have to keep me company 😌

yourinstagram 🙂🙂🙂

liked by shawnmendes, yourinstagram and others

dualipa what happens in the studio stays in the studio 🔥

view all comments

zendaya lol hopefully not! i am ready for some hits 🤓

shawnmendes 🥵🤫

yourinstagram uhm what?? 😅

liked by billieeilish and 76.877 others

yourinstagram 🤡🤡🤡 @ shawnmendes

comments disabled

liked by niallhoran, billieeilish and 157.320 others

yourinstagram sorry for being inactive on my socials for the past couple weeks. certain circumstances had me rolling up in a ball, crying and overthinking but I feel so much better now and i have been able to gain strength from the pain. good times are coming and y‘all better buckle the fuck up

view all comments

fan1 omfg she is back!!! and looking so freaking good wow babe 🔥🤩

niallhoran happy to see you on here again :) can‘t wait to see your smile tho 😁

yourinstagram currently getting used to smiling again 😈

fakefan1 oh god life was better when i didn‘t have to see her ugly face on here. sounds like she is working on something tho and judging from her toxic break up with shawn i‘m guessing it‘s gonna be good oof

yourinstagram how can you be so fucking disrespectful and trying to support me at the same time??? get outta here lmao 😩

fan2 I AM CRYING I CANNOT BELIEVE SHES BACK OMGGGG 😭 life finally makes sense again

-> liked by yourinstagram

liked by niallhoran, shawnmendes and 189.035 others

yourinstagram smiling because „Your Side of The Bed“ MY FIRST EVER SINGLE WILL BE OUT IN T MINUS 1 MONTH!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT BESTIES??? 💛

view all comments

billieeilish best news everrr!

yourinstagram right??? 🥺

-> liked by yourinstagram and niallhoran

zendaya u r so hot 🔥

-> liked by niallhoran

fan1 OHHHH I CANT FUCKING WAIT!!1!11!!! i am so proud of you bebe 🥺 your first single omg!!

yourinstagram thanks bestie 💛

liked by niallhoran, arianagrande and 208.440 others

yourinstagram 'Cause since you left it's one, two, three

Now he's coming in close to me

I can't sleep, 'cause he's where you're supposed to be and…. Your Side of The Bed“ out in 3 days!!! 💕

view all comments

arianagrande you are so gorgeous babe 💕 so excited!!

-> liked by yourinstagram

fan1 holy moly it‘s happening so soon omg!!1! these pictures have me on edge for the single 🥵

yourinstagram same i‘ve been so jittery these past days lol 💕

niallhoran what happens in the studio stays in the studio goes for photoshoots as well btw

yourinstagram you wanna stay there?? who‘s gonna take his side of the bed then? 😌

fan2 WHAT??? IS??? HAPPENING??? HERE???

yourinstagram wait for the song honey 😈

[scruffyssketchbook]

I've been really inactive lately, so I'll try to get this posted.

I noticed something that might classify as a plot hole. The PC system add-on that allows pokemon to get injured.

For starters, we never get an explanation for why this add-on was added in the first place. Supposedly, Vay was loopy from his "karp krakers", and put the add-on into the PC without thinking.

Also, we never get an explanation as to how this add-on works. Or, more accurately, how the PC works. Does the PC normally prevent the eevees from feeling pain and being injured at all? For example, even if Blizz tried his hardest, punching someone would be like punching a brick wall for an average person. Or, does the PC simply heal any major injuries the eevees take on? Or is it somewhere in between?

I know that, from the perspective that this is a comic that needs drama, having the add-on allows characters to hurt each other. (See Jed and Shane.) But, from an in comic perspective, this makes no sense.

Secondly, even if we did have a good explanation for how the add-on came to be, why didn't the trainer just get rid of it. And I don't want the explanation that she's stupid. She is 16, she knows how to work a computer. Even if she didn't, she could force Vay to do it, or get Bede (The person who runs the PC system in Sinho) to do it. I also don't want the explanation that she is negligent. She is, but she took the time to look into it after Harmony got hurt. I doubt she would just turn around and do nothing after learning about the add-on.

I may be missing context here, as there is one comic page that I can't access, the page 100 variation on patreon. Maybe there's an explanation in there, but I wouldn't know.

Thirdly, even if we ignore the trainer, what about Dusk? We already know that he has tried to get Blizz to work with him in stopping Icedrop and Greenpaw from fighting. Not to beat around the bush, Greenpaw does bully Icedrop, they just do it in a more covert, mental, and emotional way than Icedrop bullies Greenpaw.

However, Blizz refuses to help, partially because both Dusk and Blizz are petty. If Dusk genuinely wants to stop Icedrop, why not just get rid of the add-on? We know Dusk can manipulate electronics, so why not just delete the add-on, either from within the PC, or sneakily from outside it? Furthermore, Dusk is not stupid. He knows that Vay added the add-on, or at least could figure that out. He and Vay are also in good relations, so why doesn't he, or hasn't he, asked Vay to get rid of the add-on?

The explanation of "Dusk is just a jerk" does not work. Dusk can be a jerk, but everything he does he does for a reason. Most of him being a jerk comes from him being egotistical, narcissistic, and thinking he knows what's best for everyone even when he doesn't.

The only explanation that works is that he doesn't get rid of the add-on due to the fact it would put Daisy and the other hospital vees out of a job.

Last, but certainly not least, is the fact that pokemon other than eevee exist in the trainer's PC. We even get to see one of the other boxes. My point here is that the other pokemon would notice something wrong eventually. Best case senario, they notice due to realizing they can feel pain. Worst, they notice due to a major injury not being healed by the PC.

Those pokemon would want to know what happened. Amusing they either are told the truth or find out on their own, why wouldn't they ask Vay to take off the add-on. If Dusk (since he is the only one I can think of who would try to spin a story) told them a lie, then would every pokemon in the entire PC believe him. Charm and smooth words can only go so far.

___________________________________________________

I have two extra questions I thought up while writing this.

Bonus question 1: How did the trainer know that Harmony was injured? Did vay tell her? She check the pokemon's health in the PC often (both stat, and convential health)?

Bonus 2: If we know pokemon can learn to read and write, then why have none of the pokemon other than Vay tried to communicate with their trainer. What is the point of using Vay as a translator, when the pokemon could just write to the trianer? Do they just want to hide how much they know?

On top of that, if pokemon can learn to use computers, what's stooping them from just using text to speech, completely circumventing Vay all together.

bonus 3: Do the pokemon age in the PC? We know Eve is around two years old, so is she physically still a newborn, or has she physically grown?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Summary/tl;dr

q1: What are the specifics of how the damage allowing add-on was put into the PC?

q2: How does this add-on, and the PC system's healing ability, work?

q3: Why didn't their trainer take the add-on off the PC?

q4: Why didn't Dusk take the add-on off the PC?

q5: Why didn't any of the other pokemon in the PC take off the add-on?

bq1: How did the trainer know that Harmony was injured?

bq2: Why don't we ever see pokemon that know how to write communicate with the trainer?

bq3: Do the pokemon physically age in the PC?

Author chan: Over here asking the important questions! Alright! I can explain!

The mod basically prevents pokemon from healing without outside means like things that can heal a pokemon, Potions, full heals, antidotes, etc etc. This is why it's called the Damage keeper mod.

Normally in the PC, pokemon can feel pain, but they will quickly heal overtime, but with the mod, it just stops this function all together. Usually in the world, it's used with the "No heal on Entrance" mod for trainers who participate in Nuzlocke challenges.

Vay inputted the Damage keeper mod into the PC for one reason, and one reason only. No, he wasn't loopy, He knew what he was doing, and added it on purpose. It was a pretty selfish decision all in all, but I can't say the reason why. It's vaguely hinted to tho. Yes! It makes no sense to have a mod like that inputted in universe. Literally no other character would ever put in this mod into the if given the chance! But, Vay put it in for a specific purpose. Said purpose was actually shown in "Battle scars". Now. Why would Vay do this? Why would he input a mod that makes all pokemon to keep the damage they receive in the box?

Well. He simply only thinks of himself. He didn't think or care about the effect the mod would have on the other pokemon in the PC, just how he could use it to do what he wanted to do. And yes. Vay is a jerk. He's my least favorite main for a reason, you know.

Next up!

As said in comic 200c, Mods are very hard to take off. Why? Well. We are dealing with actual creatures. One wrong move and hundreds of them will get corrupted and essentially die. This isn't like Minecraft, despite me comparing the PC to a minecraft server for explaining how it works to others. Since this mod affects the pokemon directly, its harder to remove because it’s just a big risk for the pokemon. This is also why Dusk cant just remove it. It is too big of a risk to all the pokemon in the PC, which there are over 1000 of at this point. Healing items and free hospitals are a temporary fix.

Also! Blizz does try to help with the bullying, as seen with comic #302, where he states "It's a misunderstanding" followed by text covered by Bolt talking/ignoring him saying "I saw a greenpaw eevee being bullied by Mike and Tike and-" Which, we see on page #298 Tike was the eevee he was punishing.

Lastly! Why don't the other pokemon notice. Well, The few who have been in a PC before do, but most of the pokemon were wild pokemon before they appeared in the PC, so they don’t know how a normal PC feels like. And ofc, how would a pokemon know who to ask about why the PC works the way it does? Mods are common in the world, cause trainers like to give PC pokemon things to do while rotting away. This is actually going to be talked about with Eevui, the new Eevee the trainer obtained via wondertrading. He was in a normal PC before he was traded, so he'd notice the difference, and will comment on it. Funny thing, I have a comic about him trying to describe the PC to pokemon who never been in one before before he goes in the trainer's pc, and it looks completely different from OUR PC box.

Bonus Questions!!

Harmony was brought out of the PC, to the pokemon center, and a nurse Joy informed her that her pokemon was badly injured.

Bro, you so right. I realized this last year and was like "omg" until I remembered that- Pokemon language is different from human language. Ofc, there are pokemon who can read human language in the world, but pokemon and human stuff are different. And in the PC, things are translated into pokemon if not already in pokemon. This does mean pokemon can write to the trainer and it can get translated, but Vay is just an easier method of translation, especially for pokemon who have a harder time reading, writing, and typing (also there are different pokemon languages as well so oof) then like. Not every pokemon knows how to read and write. It’s a privlage usually given only to few captive pokemon. Wild pokemon learning how to read/write in their own language is VERY RARE, especially due to the lack of materials. And the only civilized boxes in the PC are box 1, 2, and 3, so only pokemon living in those boxes have a reason to learn how to read, and resources to learn.

Pokemon are born the height that they stay at all their life, unless they evolve. (Or are Nego. The little weirdo) This is to mimic how it is in pokemon games. So, no. Pokemon don't physically grow. They DO mentally age however. Pokemon tend to age mentally at different rates, so for example, a newborn who is immediately thrusted into situations not meant for a baby (ie, breeding, battling, contests) will mentally age faster than someone (like Eve) Who has stayed in the PC all their life. Nego and Eve are about the same age (Nego being 6 months older) Yet, Nego acts like an infant while Eve does not. This is because Nego ages physically and mentally like a human, while Eve ages quicker mentally, like pokemon do. This also tends to mean that when a pokemon is born doesn't matter much, as they can mentally be ahead or behind.

I hope these answered your questions!! I like talking about SSEC world building! (Its just that I never have the chance to talk about it in detail QuQ)

[animated-moon]

Good morning my little lamb! How was your sleep? I hope you have been getting more sleep since you haven’t been for the past week.

*blushes* if you really must know then yes, I do dream about you my moon *turns head away*.

About you though, some birdies on the team have been telling me about how you keep having mental breakdowns. Do you want me to come over? I know that it isn’t a full solution, but since you love me so much I figure I can at least make your day shine my sweets <3.

My day could’ve been better my lovely. Wakatoshi-Kun and Semi semi have caught me practicing when I wasn’t supposed to, and have lectured me for hours. I It wasn’t that bad though! It was only 3 and half hours of extra practice, I would’ve called you but then I would be risking getting you caught as well.

But how are you doing so far Mx.Tendou? Should I send over some chocolate milk to your place? Or just bring to you directly if you want me to come over?

Love you my paradise~

- your husband💜

ah, my sweetest! it’s been a while hasn’t it? i’m so sorry for responding to this much later than i usually do, but i know that you know things haven’t been the easiest lately :,) i’ll explain more at the end of this reply!

yup!! i’m getting more sleep than usual! all thanks to you, my lovely~ <3 oho? it was just a teasing statement, but now i’m curious. what do you dream of me? hmmm?

oh! you DARE go to extra practice WITHOUT ME? forget getting caught, my sun, i’d do practically anything to spend time with you <3 besides, i’ve been playing more volleyball recently (my thighs and arms are SORE :,) and i have bruises on my arm from the stupid balls, but SOON! i’ll be good enough to at least play in the court)

FROM THIS POINT ON IT WILL BE ME RANTING ABOUT MY PROBLEMS AND THERE MAY BE SENSITIVE TOPICS. PLEASE PLEASE DONT READ IF YOURE UNCOMFY. I DONT GUARANTEE ANYTHING

well,, about that. since we ARE wedded, and i’ve been running from my problems, i think it’s time to come clean to this. i’m not exactly doing well anywhere and my mental health has been far from okay. still better than many, though. i should really be grateful for that but i just can’t. anyways <3

also tendou anon: ily. the short version is just: i have insecurities and i am mentally unstable and i am being unnecessarily sad about it 👍👍 followed by me being stupid and having parental issues <3 summed it up in case you didn’t wanna read all t h a t

i’m having a series of small but important exams recently and i can’t say i’m really doing well in school either, so i’ve taken it upon myself to at least work hard and try my best to finish all my schoolwork, get enough sleep and still have time for some more relaxing things, like tumblr. i dont know if you know just how alleviating it is to see people pop into my ask box to chat or to request or just ANYTHING, which is why i really, really love and appreciate you (i’m getting off topic, let me steer back). well, anyway, how should i say this? tumblr has been like my escape from reality, like my paradise. somewhere i can be without having to meet already-made expectations, without having to pretend like everything in my life is fine and without having to simply pretend. lately i’ve been less and less active because of all the personal problems i’m facing, and i do apologize for that, although i know i don’t need to.. i just- gosh i don’t even know where i’m going with this at all.

since i’ve addressed my inactivity, i’ll talk about my mental health. it’s been months since i’ve had any insecurities popping out randomly to taunt me and pick at every single thing i do. since around the start of july, though, everything started falling back onto me. i started realizing and criticizing every little thing i did and myself as a person. recently it’s only gotten worse, and it’s disgusting for myself to doubt some of my closest friends and their friendship with me, but i cant help but think they’re all going to leave me for some newer, more fun and more interesting friend. after all, in reality, i’m just plain old me. i sound so unbothered by everything, i look unapproachable, i’ve even given up on almost every aspect of myself. why would they want someone like me, right? it’s stupid, and i shouldn’t be thinking these thoughts, but i can’t do anything about them. sometimes it feels like i give so much but they never give in return. i pick up their siblings from classes, i take time out of my already packed schedule to help them solve their boy problems, i always try my best to take their feelings into consideration. at least in my point of view, i did nothing wrong? did i? i don’t know why everything’s going wrong and why everyone’s slipping out of my lives when they’ve barely even been there.

tw//suic*de and de*th and starving and really bad parents under this

i’ve been suicidal since a few years back and i only have a single reason to live. that single reason is my one of my two best friends. he’s amazing in every way possible, and i don’t truly know what love is, but if i loved someone, it’d be him. he brought me out of my darkest times when i’d attempted suicide and we made a promise to both live on. we still do talk, but since he’s older and busier, these times just get less and less frequent, and i’m so scared to lose the one thread still tying me to the world.

and, my parents. i think they’re the largest contributing factor to my current situation. lord, i can’t tell you how many times i’ve passed out from exhaustion, being fucking forced to study for exams. how many times that woman has threatened to k*ll me and starve me for the tiniest things ever. in my entire life, no matter what happened to me, she’s never said a genuine sorry to me before. her nonexistent social awareness is almost funny, if it weren’t so fucking annoying. whining and babytalking with my dad all fucking day at max volume as if i weren’t in the house. all that slandering of the lgbtq+ community and being racist, all that shittalking about me as if i can’t hear them at all. all they know is how to be disgusting, manipulative shitheads, thinking theyre the boss of everyone and that they can order me around like im an inanimate object. IM EIGHTEEN, FOR FUCKS SAKE. IVE BEEN TAKING CARE OF MYSELF SINCE 13. LEAVE ME TF ALONE.

i just,, i dont know. fuck them, fuck everyone, fuck everything. i want to just end it all so bad but i know i’d just be more of a burden to everyone like that, or so i’d like to believe.

that is all. that’s the longest i’ve ever ranted in ages, lord. i won’t say i’m fine right now, but i won’t say i’m doing good. i’m just barely hanging in there, and i don’t know what else to say about this.

sorry for the long rant! i have lots more i’m upset about, but i’m not ready to share it with anyone yet, sorry. for anyone who actually read until this part, please just somehow ignore this. thanks

[survivormetaverse]

Episode 1 - "I know the game will pick up eventually" ~Shaad

chile lemme not get thrown out for making all these stan twitter bitch references I'M LICHERALLY HARMLESS I DON'T MEAN MOST OF WHAT I SAY DKJFHASJKLDG

~

ngl tho i'm kinda shitting myself over these challenges bc i don't wanna get tossed on the first round JKAHFSJKDGHJ my ant eye et tea is through the ROOF

~

oh girl, first impressions? ngl, the gays and girls here seem quite lovely, hopefully they won't have to carry me the entire time LMAO

Okay like the only person I like/talked to is Jodi but she seems like a smart cookie so ima sleep with one eye open. But idk I'm ready to put on my fake ass smile and my fake ass kind words and get through this part. It's interesting with 6 people per tribe like if we lose I don't have that solid "core" yet but theres a chance that it would be me, jodi, amy because we were the first three on and active so idk. the immunity challenge is cool, the hunt challenge is cool too. im not good at timed puzzles, so I don't think I'm gonna go for it but a part of me feels like everyone across the tribes isnt gonna do it becsuse theyre scared so thats a good opportunity to sneak in and play with less people against me? idk idk idk ahhh

🎶Oh my god we're back again🎶 Hey peeps!! :DDD Here I am againnnn, how fun! Tbh I forgot this was today lowkey and Dylan reminded me and I was like oop 😳 also I am so sorry to everyone that I cannot help but sprinkle the fact that we are now dating in all of my first convos bc IM VERY GAY apologies✨ for how often I'm mentioning it I mean 😂 My tribemates seems so cool, Jennifer and Babs are newbies but seem up to the challenge, Jay A and Colin already giving off immaculate vibes✨ Me and Dyl are hosting Ingary in a month and I do have like work and everything so I don't know exaclty how active I'll be in this game/ how far I'll make it but we'll see won't we!!

not me being a leader of whateva

~

it's the lack of reading comprehension for me (that was shade directed towards myself)

In the fools tribe !!! Moth is in my tribe which is good because we have played together before. The immunity challenge is divide and conquer! So I believe I will be doing the endurance one. I think I’ll be okay... and the hunt announcement is a good twist !!! I’m not sure if I’ll participate in the first one.. but I’ll probably change my mind. ANYWAYS, I’m ready to kick some ass 

Hey guys it's me Brayden and I am so here. I'm so excited to be playing again and stuff and I have already predicted the future that I'll be the winner. Anyways I was at an award ceremony for like the first 3 hours of the game which is kind of scary bc I feel like I missed alot but I'm trying to talk to people and stuff and see what's going on. I've briefly talked to Jodi, Amy, and Ginnifer (who is so hard to talk to btw I like send her messages trying to start a real conversation and she will just respond being like same or something). Anyways the other 2 people on my tribe are offline rn so ig I missed my chance to talk to them tonight so I'll do that tomorrow. Anyways I signed up to do counting and I'm so excited bc I literally KILLED the counting challenge on Kyoshi Islands so I'm so excited to hopefully kill it again. I also decided to play the hunt challenge even though I only have 3 chances bc I'm hoping alot of people will be scared to use one of their three chances to play in the first round and I can have a better chance of winning it. But I think I'm bad at puzzles. I didn't think it through that hard I think I got excited to play a challenge but whatever I'll probably win the advantage then in a few weeks win the whole game anyways see u later.

SO its the morning after the premiere!! Everyone's settled in!! and I kinda don't know how to feel?? Overall the premiere was kinda quiet, nothing happened worth noting tbh. Everyone on the tribe showed up, so thats good, but i think we're all just feeling each other out at the moment as for the people on my tribe! everyone seems chill but also i can't put my finger on it but SOMEHOW this tribe radiates chaotic energy. I don't know HOW or WHY but I just know it DOES. The way we're interacting in the tribe chat it seems like there's a very wide range of personalities and vibes. They're either gonna complement each other or clash, and I guess we're just gonna have to wait to find out which one!!! here are my quick night 1 first impressions that no one asked for :) Anastasia - she showed up kinda late bc she had life happening, understandable. BUT she kinda just jumped right in and started vibing with everyone!! so I think she's gonna be a strong social player. I talked to her and she seems really funny, I think I might really get close with her if I'm able to talk to her more Babs - IF our tribe does end up being chaotic, it's going to be because of Babs. They're definitely the most talkative and prominent person on the tribe, but I think they might come off as messy to others. they're really funny though!! so again I can see myself wanting to work with them if I can get to know them more. They are the biggest question mark on the tribe for me currently Elle - AH. I LOVE THEM ALREADY. Within minutes of us talking they mentioned Dylan and then I found out that they're DATING and I was SCREECHING. cutest shit i've ever heard. I'm so excited to meet and play with them. Dylan is one of my fave people in the org community so ofc I wanna get to know Elle and connect with them as well!! Jay - I think Jay seems like just a very genuine open person?? Like we talked for quite a while yesterday just about games and he was asking me questions about my experience with them and all that. idk if it's because he sees me as a threat or if its because he just actually wanted to get to know me. He lowkey gives me heterosexual vibes and idk if thats true or not but idk how to bring it up. but I def wanna keep talking to him and getting to know him!! I think he might be someone I can form a genuine friendship with Jennifer - kinda have no opinion so far. I think shes the quietest on the tribe. at least for me I didn't get the chance to hear from her much. kinda gives catfish vibes. kinda gives early boot vibes. idk. we'll see what happens!

Not too much yet tbh. Just finding my footing. People are loving my energy so hopefully they’ll keep me around

So i realized Amy is runner up from the season before mine in another org and so we connected over that... of course we are not going to tell anyone else but we did have that going for us to get started. brayden is only 16 but he told me he loves magic and wanted to learn more about it so i told him id teach him some stuff! dennis and i called and connected well BUT hes kinda playing SUPER hard and wanting to throw challenges already to vote people out.. this has never worked out for anybody!! josh is cool, he works at a grocery store so he's gonna kill the "b" challenge. ginnifer has been the most MIA but i have faith that we'll work together well for the popularity contest. yall know i cant play the reverse flirt game i so badly want to coin, but i do have romance tea for yall tomorrow. stay tuned........

Jay and I talked last night so i guess we're best friends. We decided to make an alliance and try to get Elle in it. But everyone has been pretty inactive besides Jay and Collin. I've only slightly talked to Jessica this whole game and Babs hasn't even said one thing to me and I texted them hi. And apperently Babs has left Jay on opened too so they might just suck at talking right now. Hopefully Babs will talk to me they seem so funny and cool D:

I won endurance 👑!!!! Hopefully the fools tribe wins this!!!! I played against Jennifer and Dennis. I could see myself playing with Dennis down the line if we merge. I haven’t talked to anyone but Moth. So I messaged my whole tribe Introducing myself. Hopefully things work out for me! 

Thoughts after the first 24hrs: https://youtu.be/I62bDSzgf68

You hear something ??? Same. Why is my tribe so quiet 😂😂😂😂 I’m trying to read off the vibes but I see nothing. 

I really love my tribe and the fact that they don’t know I played last season is a good strategy to play on my end

tbh i wish we lost i wanted to go to tribal and vote one of these people out :(

Welp we got second place in the first challenge :| which isn't bad!! But it's not first place 😂😂. But I had a fun day taking pictures so whateverssss. I said I would be chaotic in this game but the opportunity hasn't presented itself yet... Guess we'll have to wait and see✨

I think at this point, my team is shady and won't say anything to me so I am nervous.

The challenges were way harder than I thought. I didn't do well at all and let my tribe down. I feel like I will be the first to get voted out if we have a tribal hearing.

We lost yay. I had a feeling. Hopefully the tribe will keep me around for now since I won endurance.... lhsisowjshwowpwpwheowowhfiwpqpqpjw. Jared thinks we can vote Bri out. Which I’m fine with, I haven’t really talked to her at all. Jared and I are going to message the others and see where everyone’s head is at. Honestly I don’t care who goes home as long as I’m safe. Everyone is quiet which is so annoying. Blahhhhhhhhhh 

Well it’s my 3rd time playing and it’s not off to the best start, no one seems to be talking to anyone. And we lost meaning we are going to tribal council. So fuck- I have no idea what about to happen. I’m just hoping it’s not me or Jess

if i must confess, my strategy is to have a 4-3-2 alliance. i need a 4 to have a majority, but i dont have a 4 yet. within the 4, theres a three person alliance w me jodi and amy, but within that three i believe that the core 2 is myself and jodi. i really dont care who the 4th is. i like having jodi and amy as an alliance because theyre both doing wayy too much which is great for me :) i dont think any of these people have idols but who knows. i would love to throw the next immunity i wanna go to tribal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Looks like we’ve got something good. We’ve got an alliance that’s set to (hopefully) vote out bri due to inactivity. Let’s just pray it works

~

Trying to talk in this tribe is so difficult In both my other seasons I was pretty quiet all the time It is like that x10000 I was hoping to stay under the radar but that doesn’t work if no one talks at all I suppose it depends on if I’m being played or if everyone just doesn’t talk. I think there’s a plan. Let’s hope it goes well 

OKAY SO. Moth, Jared and I have a little alliance going on. We are set on voting out Bri. I just talked to Danny and Shaad and they are down with voting Bri out. I have high hopes that I’ll be safe at tribal. 

Better communication.. in sticking with that fact, our communication in my team could be better and we need to put more effort into what we do, I believe in us!

https://youtu.be/595h7hmL6VY

The start to this game has been a freaking snails pace...it’s unbelievable to me that these people do not want to talk that much, especially when it’s a tribe of 6. Colin and I talk the most, I’ve gotten a decent amount out of Anastasia, and to me it feels like those 2 wants to work with me and I am fine with working with them. Usually in a larger group you want to figure out who you can work with long term and use the first few tribals to establish trust, I may throw that out the window since there’s only 5 other people on this tribe. My strategy needs to be who the hell can get me past these first few votes before a swap happens, and I feel like I can rely on Colin and Anastasia for that. I’d like to pull in Elle, because she’s the one who’s talked to me the most out of her, Babs, and Jennifer. Everyone seems nice, but it would be lovely if people would be more active. 

I’m enjoying the fact our tribe won the first challenge everyone is very nice I love it :)

This round has been pretty smooth sailing. I know the game will pick up eventually but for now, we are just going with the flow as a tribe

https://youtu.be/UZVzZ6d6GRU

~

ok so apparently ginnifer isn't famous. she's just a bit quiet and mysterious. ok with me, just gonna take a while because I'm a loud and outspoken person (and player). amy, dennis and I have an alliance called "fang gang" (it's really just 3 emojis of vampires) and we're going to run the premerge hopefully. I do like brayden a lot, and maybe I'll propose a 3 with him, amy and myself to have a solid 4 control the votes until a swap. round 1 not bad so far!

~~~

Edgics:

Power Rankings:

Phantom

Jodi: I believe Jodi is thriving on this tribe. She is very obviously a social player who picks up on the littlest details. I’m sure she can sniff out a plot if it comes down to it. However, Jodi is the plot. She is the leader of her tribe and is easily the most active person in the game at the moment. So long as she keeps a smile on her face and doesn’t overextend to do something messy, she will find that she will make it safely to merge. Allying with Amy could be dangerous however since Amy has stated she needs to be voted out before a certain date. This means that Jodi needs to socialize with other members of her tribe and get new allies before hers will inevitably be voted out of the game.

Amy: Even though she wants to get voted out, Amy has set herself up perfectly at Jodi’s side. She can take the heat off of herself using Jodi and is able to hide better than others. As always, her UTR game has come out to shine. She hasn’t had anyone call her out and even though Jodi has seen her play she is still able to gain her trust.

Josh: Doing so well in the challenge has earned Josh’s place here. He makes his worth known early and has a great personality as well. This makes him very safe for any early tribal councils as no one is going to want to take him out; they want him on their side. Similar to Amy, he just seems to be using an under the radar social game which he is executing well at the present moment. And, as the star of the challenge, he makes himself safe for future tribals before the swap. However, I do fear that this early impression of competition prowess will come back to haunt him if he makes it to the merge.

Dennis: I would put Dennis higher, but Jodi, his ally, already is suspicious of him. She seems to think of him as a bit of a sneak and, as the tribe leader, her opinions matter the most. It is good that he is able to be Jodi’s ally so she might stray away from voting him out. However, his desire to go to tribal and play the game so early may bite him in the butt later down the line. I can definitely see him being called out for trying to play too hard too fast. At the moment, he remains high because he seems to be decently social and no one except Jodi has sniffed him out.

Brayden: There’s not much to say on Brayden’s game. He doesn’t seem to have any allies, his challenge performance wasn’t as good as others on his tribe, and he is not in any alliances yet. This spells disaster for Brayden if his tribe goes to consecutive tribal councils. Additionally, even though he was one of the few to play in the Hunt, he didn’t win and wasn’t even close to doing so. He even gave up part way through to do the immunity challenge. I would be saving them if I were Brayden, but hindsight is 20/20. If Brayden can squeeze into being the fourth of the Jodi, Amy, Dennis alliance instead of Josh then maybe his game forecast will be better.

Ginnifer: The thing that lands Ginnifer on the bottom is that she said that her tribe could vote her out if they lost the challenge. This primes people to already be willing to get rid of her in this game. Additionally, some people have expressed difficulty with talking to Ginny such as Jodi and Amy. The former still wants to give Ginny a try at being an ally while the latter was ready to vote her out if necessary. Ginny just needs to pick up social steam and outperform in the next comp if she’s going to have longevity in this game.

Fools

Jessica: In lieu of a clear leader, Jessica has stepped up as she started the first alliance on her tribe with Moth and Jared. No doubt, Jessica’s prior relationship with Moth helped facilitate. Additionally, this seems to paint them as the “active” members of this not active tribe. Therefore, it will be very easy for Jessica to dictate votes without getting labelled as a threat since her tribe is not active enough to do so. I can definitely see her leaning on Moth as a crutch, but for now she is the topdog of her tribe. Especially so since she was the only member of her tribe to win a challenge in Divide and Conquer.

Moth: As Jessica’s right-hand person, Moth is a secure spot. It also helped that they have played this game before and is on a not active tribe. This vibes well with Moth’s gameplay style since they aren’t a social powerhouse like Jodi or Colin. Instead, she keeps it more lowkey which makes this tribe in particular a great tribe for her to thrive in.

Jared: While he hasn’t provided a confessional yet, it’s clear he’s positioned himself well with Moth and Jessica. As the topdogs of the tribe, they are key people to get in with. Besides that, he seems to be a little more active than some others, but there’s not much else to say as of right now.

Danny/Shaad: Him and Shaad can trade spots on this ranking because they are playing similar games at the moment. They are both quiet and inactive, yet are not part of the core alliance of this tribe. This could spell danger for them in upcoming tribal councils if they don’t start working on people now. They seem to be safe for now based solely on Bri’s inactivity, but, otherwise, they need to pick up their socio-strategic game before it is too late.

Bri: She seems to be the most likely person to get voted out. She was not online at all for the first two days of the game and has since remained inactive. She is easy pickings for the top 3 of this tribe which really hurts my heart. I know her in real life and she is very sociable and easy to get along with. I have no doubt that in a real life game of Survivor or Big Brother, she would kill the social game.

S.E.E.S.

Colin: Similar to Jodi, Colin is the most social person on his tribe at the moment. However, unlike Jodi, he has not taken a leader position which works to his benefit. Despite being social, Colin has been able to slip under the radar of most people with a lot of them wanting to work with him. Colin is easily going to survive until the swap, but I will caution him from getting too many allies too quickly. This tribe in particular has a wildcard willing to blow things like that up so he needs to be careful.

Elle: Similar to her previous games, Elle plays an extraordinary social game and becomes very well-liked very easily. They have no problem fitting into any situation and I foresee them making it far if they gain the right allies. What puts her at number 2 as opposed to number 1 is that she hasn’t made any strategic comments yet. Instead, she is focusing on a social game which is not a bad thing. Colin has just shown more of his gameplay in these rounds.

Anastasia: Anastasia, despite being late to the premiere, has been able to socialize with key people such as Colin and Jay. Her prior connection with Elle has also sparked an interest in Colin in working with the two of them as an alliance. Overall, her and Elle sort of share the 2 and 3 spot since they are both well-liked, did well in the challenge, and are prime allies for Colin whose word will feel like law if this tribe ever goes to tribal.

Jay: Jay is neither here nor there. He isn’t in the bottom, but he is not calling the shots either. It is good that Colin wants him as his number 1 and that Anastasia likes him. Out of the three outside of this potential Elle, Colin, Anastasia alliance, he seems like he will be most likely to be saved until a swap occurs. His calls with people have certainly been helping with that as people are able to bond more with him through there. His activity could use work, but he doesn’t need to be active if he’s liked.

Babs: With another Jodi comparison, Babs has taken the leadership position of their tribe. However, they are not as social and, in fact, considered a big threat since they are so willing to talk freely and openly in the tribe chat. Their gameplay is going to be Messy, and people have already pointed that out, making them a clear target if this tribe goes to tribal council. Despite that, they aren’t at the bottom since some people, like Colin, have expressed interest in working with that kind of player as a sort of shield. If Babs were to tone it down and be more social with people (another problem with their game), they may be able to crawl up these rankings.

Jennifer: Sadly I have to put another phonetic Jennifer at the bottom. She did the worst in the challenge across her tribe and isn’t active either. For this round, it seems she would be the easy vote if this tribe had gone to tribal. She needs to start being more social and be more of a presence in people’s minds.

[misandristpariston-moved]

Tagged by @killualovesyou :0!!!!!!! TE JAMON

Rules: Answer some questions and tag some bloggers you want to know better !

Name: Agustina, i cant care abt sharing it anymore but Do Not call me this ever please💖

Nickname: Choko! or Kite :°)c

Gender: Agender

Sexuality: Lesbian

Height: 1,65cm i believe! i haven't checked in years tho lol

Languages: Spanish and english

Nationality: Argentina

Current time: 12:02pm as i am posting this :•]

Favorite season: SUMMER!!!!!! ALWAYS FOREVER. LOVE being burned to death

Favorite flower: dont know enough abt flowers to have a favorite one :pensive: maybe lilies bc of lesbianism and also cuz theyre pretty n have a lot of color variants :•)

Favorite scent: vanilla i think 🤷

Favorite color: Rainbow >:)c but if i have to chose ONE then fine, blue

Favorite animal: TURTLES!!!!! and snails :•)

Favorite fictional character: Asriel undertale Usami danganr*npa and also Pariston✨ hxh

Average hours of sleep: used to be 5am - 3pm these past months but now its 12pm - 8am :-)

Coffee, tea or hot chocolate: COLD chocolate (milk) Fuck hot beverages👎👎👎👎👎

Number of blankets you sleep with: 2 (one big and the other one thin) on both summer n winter :-) cozy

Dogs or cats: TURTLES!!!!!! ok /joke. cats :°)

Dream trip: MEETING MY INTERNET FRIENDS!!!!! and all of us going on a walk to a forest or something epic like that :^) if it has to be realistic (��) then going to the japanese garden thats a few hours from the city im living in !

Dream job: i have no idea

Followers: 572 but most are inactive i think 🤔

Blog established: i once took this screenshot from that april fools tumblr blog :-) february 2015......

if you knew me from then. no you didnt.

Reason for my URL: im a kite kinnie (unfortunately) and hes a clown (and so am i)

Random fact: i have sleep paralysis at least 3 times a week :°/

tagging @angelnanika @scarlotte @punkkillua @cisphobicgiorno @gonwearscrocs @ahoycookie @delarverie no pressure on doing it tho! :•)

[viittra]

yall i cant believe im still mini modding and im not even in the group

i call them out for not doing the masterlist and all the admins that are watching the blog immediately jump to do it

when are yall gonna check your survey results or make sure the “past apps” page on the tumblr doesnt have 3 apps in 3 different formats? I asked yall about that one on the 9th. Maybe the activity check? When’s the last time yall followed up and kicked someone for inactivity? god knows there’s enough people you havent seen in 4 months.

[alicezan-ncgred]

Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul​, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative. 

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely  meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this. 

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too. 

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin. 

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better. 

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.  

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression. 

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that. 

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD,  Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind. 

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue. 

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt. 

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly. 

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling. 

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode. 

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell. 

[mydaydreams]

Nightmare-Bucky Barnes

Summ- what happens when Bucky wakes from a nightmare choking the love of his life. 

Story May be triggering to some readers 

Warnings- sex, swearing, choking 

Authors note- tumblr has been real mean to me lately. wont let me post. that's why I have been inactive. let me know if you have a prompt of something else you guys would like me to write for you. 

Nightmare   Bucky and I have been together for about 5 months now. things were starting to get pretty serious. I at least knew it was getting serious when he finally told me who he really was and introduced me to all of his friends/team mates. that night he told me his 'Story'...well I guess he told me some of it. at one point he started crying and I had to stop him. I wanted to know what all he had been through but I didn't want t see him in pain. I didn't want him to relive it all just to tell me. I had to stop him and tell him that I didn't care. he didn't have to finish. I told him I loved him no matter what. he told me no one has ever told him they loved him before. he said that he loves me too and he warned me. he warned me that because I was with him I was putting my life in danger. I told him I did not give a damn. I loved him and I wanted to be with him. that was my choice. he promised me that he wouldn't let anything happen to me regardless. 

As if the world was out to get us, a week later I was kidnapped. I don't know I guess I wasn't as fazed by it as usual kidnap victims are.  didn't freak out and I wasn't scared after. No PTSD, I didn't go through anything. it honestly wasn't that big of a deal for me, this angered Bucky. he thought I should be mad at him for not keeping me safe. he was confused and mad that I wasn't frightened. I laughed it off and told him it was because I was literally unconscious the whole time. literally. some Hydra agent needed that smallest amount of info and decided to steal me. he found out where I lived and broke in while I was sleeping. the man chloroformed me and took me. I didn't know anything had happened till I woke up. I was on some medical table with Bucky Tony and Bruce hovered over me. I had an IV in me and Bucky was looking as guilty as ever. I remember the augment we had that night. the one that almost ruined us...

"I cant believe I let this happen." Bucky said pacing around his living area. we were at the tower and I was going to be staying that night. me and Bucky had just gotten in his room. "Bucky baby its not that big of a deal." I said trying to reach for him. "Not that big of a deal? you were gone. taken right out from under me Y/N. he could have tortured and beaten you!" he said I sighed and ran my hand up his arm. "but I wasn't." he scoffed "you could have been killed or...or" I shushed him. "Bucky. I'm here. I'm okay. you did protect me, you got me out. you got me back, you kept me safe. Please Bucky." I said softly. "He could have Rapped you Y/N." he said closing his eyes and shaking his head, as if to shake the thought out of his brain. "Bucky..." I whispered. "I cant be with you anymore."  my heart stopped. "Wha..What?" I asked shaking my head. "No!" I said stepping back. "What are you even??? what do you even mean? you cant be serious." I said, like him trying to shake the thought out of my head. my breathing quickened and tears started to burn in my eyes. "Buck... you cant leave me. we just,..." the tears started falling as I took another two steps away from him. "I cant be with you if I'm putting your life and safety at risk, Y/N I cant." he said stepping forward and taking my hand. I snatched my hand out of his. "that's not your choice to make Bucky. I chose you. My choice." I said stomping my foot like a child. " if you didn't wanna be with me or anyone because you would be putting my lives in danger why did you talk to me? why did you peruse me? why did you as me out?" I asked my voice rising. he ran his fingers through his hair and sighed heavily. "And most importantly why the FUCK did you make me Fall in love with you just to fucking dump me after the first scare James....I...I cant fucking take this. I'm fucking out of here." I said crying and walking towards the door. he grabbed my arm and yanked me to him. "Y/N please I'm just trying to find a solution. I don't wanna leave you, I don't wanna loose you, I love you too baby please." he said as if I could do anything to fix the stupid situation we are in. " ‘Baby please’ what? I cant give you some magic solution to your ridiculous notion that you can keep me safe 24/7. you cant move in with me and stay with me all day every day to make sure I'm 100% safe at all times. Bucky, your my boyfriend not my fucking body guard!" I said his eyes widened and he paused for a second. he looked up at me after a moment and started to speak again. "that could work actually." he said thinking. I rolled my eyes and scoffed "what could work Bucky?" I asked the corners of his lips lifted slightly. he turned and grabbed a hold of both of my hands. he looked into my eyes and smiled "lets move in together." he said softly. my heart spiked. "what?" I asked. he smiled wider. "well. I cant be around you 24/7 like you said. after all I do have a job and I have to safe the world quite often but, if we were to live together I could be with you every night if I'm not on missions. and when I am on mission you could stay that the tower with the others." he explained as he pulled me to his chest.

 live with me.

 he wants to live with me. I would have to talk to him later about how I didn't need to be babysat but living together is a huge step forward. a step forward that I want to take with Bucky. 

After we cooled down we sat together and watched a movie and talked about all the kinks of moving in. we talked about getting an apartment somewhere in the city. maybe even in the same building as Steve's. Bucky thought it would be cool to have an apartment across the hall from him. he said it reminded him of the show Friends, I had recently gotten him to watch. he loved the show. we thought about getting a place in the tower maybe... but then again I already didn't wanna be baby sat and having Stark Cameras on my every move was the ultimate invasion of privacy. I don't know how Bucky could live here already with all the stark surveillance. after a few hours our fight was forgotten and we went to bed a completely content with the moving in together compromise. 

that night I woke up with a start. my air way was cut off and I was couldn't to breath. my mouth and nose were blocked off and there was a sharp paid in my neck. my eyes shot open to meat Bucky's blue eyes, his pupils were dilated like hell and his face was red. "Buck-y" I managed to say as his grip around my neck got tighter. "Buck!" I gasped. his grip tightened and tightened I tried gasping for air and I couldn't get any. the pressure in my eras was reaching unbearable and tears burned in my eyes. I was screaming in my head. the love of my life was literally choking me to death. " Touch her and I will kill you!" he said softly. I tried kicking and scratching at him but he wouldn't budge "I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!" he Screamed looking me straight in the eyes. Fear pierced my heart as I was seconds from giving up before his bedroom door flew open and Vison was next to us in seconds. Sam wasn't far behind as they both pulled him off of me. Steve and Natasha came running in the room finally as I tried to catch a breath. my hands flew to my throat as I still couldn't breath. Natasha was at my side and lifting me from the bed. I tried making hand singles at her. trying to tell her even though bucks hands were gone I still couldn't breath. the pain on my throat was so much. I was hysterically crying. trying to mouth the words "its hurts its hurts I cant breath I cant breath." I touched my face with my hand and it was burning hot. I could feel Natasha cradling me in her arms right before I slowly passed out.

=========================

Natasha told me that I slept for 3 days when I woke. I was still at the tower just in the recovery clinic in a different part of the building. I was in a room with blue walls, laying In Stark's version of what a hospital bed should be and I had to say I agree. my whole body was super comfortable and they had me on so many fancy drugs, I couldn't feel a thing. the only reason I even knew there was a problem was because I couldn't talk. when Sam first came to visit a few days later he told me it was a good thing that I couldn't talk. I wanted to laugh but I just wrote "fuck you" on the white board that Tony gave me to communicate. 

on my 4th night being awake but my 10th night being in the clinic I finally looked at myself in the mirror. I would have gasped if I could even move my mouth at all. my whole Neck was bruised and swollen. the swelling was so bad it forced my face upward. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe I looked like that. I broke down crying. I fell to the floor and hugged my knees to my chest.

on my 13th day in the clinic I finally talked with Natasha and Wanda about how I was truly feeling. they had been good friends to me ever since I met them. I had grown really close to Natasha and even more so now that she had helped me after Bucky...  "So, Can you tell us what happened?" Wanda asked sitting on the Sofa across from me. Natasha sat at my feet on the bed looking up at me with wondering eyes. a part of me knew what every one was thinking but not saying out loud. every one was scared Bucky had done this on purpose. as if he wanted to hurt me. as if he was an abuser. everyone thought these horrible things could be true but not me. I knew. every one knew Bucky had crazy nightmares like this. Hes done this before! he just hasn't ever hurt anyone before. I wrote on the white board "Dreaming, Kept Screaming 'Touch her I Kill you'" they both sighed and I know the sighs are of relief. no one had told me anything about Bucky since I got in. I erased that then wrote "I know he didn't mean it... I just hope he still wants to be with me." tears started running down my face as I showed them then erased and wrote "I Know he must blame himself." I looked down for a moment not wanting to see their reactions. I finally looked back up and put a question mark on my board. they just looked at me. I looked back to my board and wrote "We talked about getting a place together... somewhere in Steve's building maybe..." I looked up at them and tried to smile with my lips but I just couldn't. Natasha find of smiled but she looked as if she was withholding information. I would have sighed with frustration if I could. instead I wrote on my board " this isn't much of a talk."

on the 20th day I had it. The swelling on my neck was gone and I could move my head and face. I was walking around more on my own but I decided against leaving my little room days ago. I thought if Bucky wanted to see me he would come and visit, but also why would he want to visit. he hurt me. not on purpose but he hurt me he must be thinking that he needs to stay away from me. he must be thinking he couldn't protect me from kidnappers and he cant even protect me from himself. he probably wants to break things off with me to "protect me" he wouldn't wanna live with me after this, much less be with me. I spent most of the day crying. every one left me alone that day. even Natasha. they all probably knew I was crying and didn't come in.

the next day Natasha came to visit and after about 2 hours of small talk I couldn't do it any more. it was driving me crazy not being near Bucky and it was driving me crazy being stuck in this fucking room for weeks without him.  I wrote on my board "he's not coming is he?" I don't even know why I wrote the question mark. shit I don't even know why I wrote the question. I knew it deep inside. I knew it 100% though when I saw the look on Nat's face. it was instant tears. she closed her eyes and rubbed my knee as I cried. anger spiked through me. I chucked the white board across the room. it hit the Wall with a loud satisfying crack that made Nat flinch.

 I just pointed at the door.

 the second she closed the door, I was up and putting my things together. I shoved everything that Nat had brought for me in the bag...that she also had brought for me, and I put my shoes on. I had ditched the hospital gown when I as first woken up but today I was in a tank top and some sweats. 

when I got myself completely together I finally left the room and headed down the hall. I left my keys in Buckys room so I needed to go there and get them before I actually leave. I tip toed around the tower and only took the stairs. I'm just happy I could finally breath on my own and that I was still pretty athletic or all the flights of stairs I took would have totally killed me.

 I wanted to check the gym before actually going to his room. if he's upset and I know he must be he should be spending most of his time in the gym and if he's in the gym he wont be in the room and if he's not in the room I don't have to run into him. decides, he doesn't wanna see me anyway. 

when I saw that he was in fact at the gym beating the shit out of a punching bag it took all I had in me too tare my eyes away. all I wanted to do was run in there and kiss him. i shook my head and ran to his room and quickly grabbed one of my jackets and my keys then left. I went out the back way. I already know they know I'm leaving and I know who ever found out first has probably already had someone sent after me, so when I finally hit the parking lot I was in a full dead ass sprint. I already knew they were coming and I already know that they know where I'm going but I'm still going to the same place. My Apartment. in not about to change my destination I don't care if I'm found, I just wanna be at home. 

when I finally got home I wasn't surprised to see Natasha and Steve already here and sitting on my couch. I just rolled my eyes and threw my keys on the kitchen counter and threw my bag on the floor. if I had my board... I don't even know or care what I would say with it. I didn't say anything at all. all I did was walk to my fridge grad a bottle of wine and a glass.

 I saw Steve start to stand but Natasha held her hand out stopping him. I laughed in my head, my girl knows I need a drink. I poured a deep ass glass and drank the whole thing in under 30 seconds. I started pouring another glass when Steve spoke. "He Loves you." he said Natasha sighed at his words. I closed my eyes and took another deep ass gulp. I wanted to say 'if he did he'd be here.' I shook my head at the thought as Natasha actually said my thought out loud. 

I would have scoffed if I could. no she cant read my mind, but she defiantly knows what I'm thinking. Steve sighed and closed his eyes for a moment too. I lifted my glass and waved it around as if to say ' I know I know I just wish he would be here.' and Natasha reading my mind again said " she understands the situation and understands why he thinks he should stay away but she needs him and he's not here." she said I closed my eyes again and let the moisture fall down my face as I took another sip. after about 2 more glasses and me crying silently in front of them I grabbed a pin and paper.  Bucky, you know I don't care, you know I love you, you know I forgave you. I'm here if you want me. if you don't I get it, but ill be home if you do. if it makes it easier, I will never be happy without you. - Forever yours Regardless - Y/N

I handed them the paper and down the glass. I threw it in the sink roughly, effectively breaking it and tossed the empty bottle into the trash. I turned and looked over to them. they were on there feet now. probably startled by the glass breaking. I just shrugged at them and walked into my room to jump on my bed face first. when Natasha entered she sighed and sat something down on my bed side. "these are the meds your supposed to take them every day now but ill be here to make you take them every day anyway." she said matter of factly. " Tony said the green ones are for discomfort, you take one the second you start to feel any pain. this other bottle is for healing and this other one has words I don't even know on it but...ill be here to make sure you take them anyway." she repeated. she shot me a look each time she said so. "we'll let you rest, umm just call me when you wake up. remember the green ones are for pain." she said I didn't bother looking up from where my face was firmly planted in my sheets. I just lifted my hand up and gave her a sarcastic thumbs up. although she probably doesn't know its sarcasm. 

=====================

crying and drinking!

 that's what I have been doing for the past 5 days. that's 26 days without the love of my life. in my opinion, you start going through withdrawals. I'm more nervous and shaky. I've been biting my nails off and the worst part about feeling this is the giant gapping whole that has formed in my chest. its as if I'm being torn up from the end side out. like there is this black whole in my chest that's gonna swallow me up the longer I'm away from him.

 the pain was unbearable. Starks green pills didn't work for this pain. I had cried for 2 days straight. I went ahead and texted tony about it hoping he could either help more with the pain or better yet knock some since in my favorite super soldier. 

Tony some how rigged it so I had paid time off at my work. they were sending my checks right to my apartment. I didn't know how long I would have that leave from work but my voice had finally started coming back. and the bruising on my neck was a blue greenish color now so the healing had been working. Without Starks Magic I'm sure it would have taken me at least 8 weeks in ICU before I could do anything on my own. my voice was still very raspy but Natasha was helping me with it. "Tony says in 2 weeks you will be singing again. he said he knew you would be pissed if you couldn't sing anymore so he made you this special gum that you can take to somehow help your vocal cords." Nat told me. I smiled up at her and spoke softly "he's right, I would be pissed." she let out a small laugh. 

that day Natasha convinced me to go to the mall with her. I caved and we actually found some really cute clothing and some cute decorations. I know I shouldn't be looking for things to decorate me and Bucky's now fictional apartment but I had too. I still had hope me would get his head out of his ass. on our way our of that particular store we walked past a spa. Natasha was the one who actually stopped and was pulling me inside. I just smiled and went in with her. if there is ever a chance to get Natasha in a girlly place like this, I'm taking it. I actually ended up getting my hair cut. Short and cute. at least that's what Natasha called the cut. she said it was just like me repeating "Short and cute." it made me laugh. it felt good to laugh. on our way out of the mall we got stopped. a very handsome tall blonde man walked over to us. I assumed he was hitting on Nat. he had a very welcoming vibe and his bright green eyes would be something to melt over. "Well Daring? would you at least take my number?" he asked. I guess I spaced out. was he actually talking to me? that made me smile so I went ahead and took his number and said thank you. I shoved the number in my back pocket as I felt my face heat up. Nat just smiled at me as we mad our way to the exit.

when we got back to the apartment we unloaded everything I had gotten and put everything away. when finished Nat Sat on the couch of my living room and I walked into the kitchen to make us glasses of wine. I walked back over to her and handed her, her glass and sat with her. "you've been drinking an awful lot lately." she commented. I gave her a look.

 there went my first good day. 

"when the Love of your life chocks you in your sleep then dumps you by saying nothing at all we will see what your fucking poison is!" I snapped. I shook my head and took a sip before speaking again " I'm sorry, I didn't mean that." she nodded " I know, and I know how your feeling. well I mean, I know what its like to get hurt by the winter soldier and not Bucky." she said taking a drink of her wine. my eyebrows raised. as she pulled her shirt up a bit showing me a big round blotchy scar. "when on a mission, I was assigned to protect someone. the winter soldier showed up and shot right through me to kill the guy. Bucky still comes up to me sometimes..." she says pulling her shirt back down and taking a drink. I joined her. "to apologize." she finished. that made my heart warm. I gave her a soft smile and she returned it by touching my knee kindly. I looked down and took a deep breath. "if it makes you feel any better..." she said starting to gently run her hand up and down my thigh. " Bucky hasn't spoken to anyone since he hurt you. not even Steve." she told me.

 I sighed that didn't make me feel any better. that didn’t make me feel better at all. he's just as alone and depressed as I am. that doesn't make me feel good. Bucky in pain makes me hurt. in fact that made me want to cry. my heart sped up and my face I could tell was turning red before the tears started to fall. "he's not coming is he?" she casted her eyes downward and I just broke all over again. she grabbed me and pulled me to her as I cried.

========================= 

the next few days went by in a blur. 8 more days. 34 Days without him. I cleaned my house dirtied it up and cleaned it again. hell I even rearranged my furniture out of boredom. I debated on going back to work but I knew I would leave when I got there. I don't wanna do anything anymore. I don't wanna do anything without him. today it rained. it stared raining at about 7:32 am and it hasn't stopped yet. I sat at my windowsill, a glass of wine in hand as I watched the rain fall. when me and Bucky first met... it was in the rain.

 I was completely drenched as I walked through the park. I wore my yoga's and running shoes to workout in the ran. I was jogging though the park just like Bucky was. we had literally ran right into each other. both of us at a full sprint in the rain turning a sharp corner. we crashed into each other and slipped together on the pavement. I fell on my back while his weight fell on top of me. his body hit mine with a smack we both let out a loud groan. he looked down at me or a moment then lifted his torso up and off of mine and rested his weight in his Metal arm? I looked into his eyes for a moment. I don't know how long we laid on the ground just watching each other. he looked at me like I was the only person in the world. he blinked and looked down at my lips, then back to my eyes. "I'm Bucky."

I pulled the wine bottle up and poured. I was starting to think that maybe he was just...maybe it wasn't as serious as I thought it was. our relationship. I know its only been 8 months and that 8th month I have been here hurt, without him.

 its been raining all daybut I hadn't cried once. that 'once' should have been a 'yet' as the tears of the day finally started falling. I leaned against a see-though window crying my eyes out. I just wanted to be outside in the rain. with him again.

I walked outside my front door slowly. I was wearing black short shorts and a white tank. my feet were bare as I took the first step past the threshold of my apartment. I felt the cool concrete under my toes as I walked slowly out to the courtyard that's outside my widow. I felt a drop of water fall on my foot. just one drop and I wasn't out from under the complexes roofing yet. I stopped and sighed realizing it was one of my tears. I rolled my eyes at myself and took another sip of my wine. I walked out from under the roofing and felt the wet grass under my feet. the water started to fall down one me soaking my clothing and wetting through my hair. I covered my wine glass with my hand to protect the wine and then I looked up to the sky. I watched the water fall and the stars staying still and shining bright between the cracks of the water drops. I gulped down the rest of the wine and through the glass on the ground. it slid on the wet grass until finally reaching the street and crashing against the curb and breaking under someone's feet. I looked up and my breath cached. 

"Buck." 

"W-what are you doing here?" I choked out as he slowly started to approach me. he was in his civilian clothes. a regular grey shirt and jeans with his favorite black jacket. his hair was soaked and sticking to his face. along with the rest of his body. I didn't look at him as he got closer. "I-I thought you didn't want to be with me anymore. you haven't come to see me after..." I stroked my neck. "I know....I know I'm sorry. I d-don't know w-why I didn't come I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I hurt you I cant even believe I could do something like that...well I know I can do things like that but just not to you.... if Vison wasn't awake you would be dead Y/N, a-and when I finally came too I had thought I had killed you." he said yelling over the rain. by now he had reached for me. both of his hands were on my arms gripping them tightly but I didn't dare flinch. "I saw you trying to breath a-and then falling limp on the ground. I thought I had killed you. how could I live with myself knowing I had did that to you. almost taking the love of my life's, life away." he said I finally looked up at him

Love of his life 

"Love of your life?" I asked. he smiled down at me "the love of my life!" he repeated. I smiled up at him and looked down at his arms by now he had one hand on my hip and the other on my cheek. "your not afraid of touching me?" I asked looking back up at him. "its a part of why I stayed away. I don't wanna hurt you b-but.....Natasha.." was all he said. and everything came into place. she talked to him for me. probably told him how I felt and how he felt and we are miserable without each other. I couldn't believe this. I turned my head to the side and looked around. I looked down at my feet and misplaced my footing. "this cant be real..."  whispered. the grip on my hip tightened and I slipped. we fell together on the wet grass. we both let out startled groans. Bucky leaned out to look at me. his body was on top of mine, his lower body rested in between my legs. "I didn't think I would get you back into this position for a long while." I joked. he looked at me and let out a huff in a laugh. he lifted his hand and moved wet hair out of my face then his hand ran down my face and around my chin and further down to stroke my neck. I lifted my head up giving him more access. he flinched away from me when I did that. I grabbed his wrist and made him touch my neck. "I'm okay, I've been healing well, its okay. I love you!" I said making his hand cup my face. "please please don't be afraid." he whispered his voice broken. it was almost hard to hear over how heavy it was raining. "Never, I'll never be afraid. I'll only love you I swear just stay with me please. I cant live without you." I said. "and I cant live without you!" he said I smiled and grabbed the back of his neck to pull his lips to mine.

it was like it usually was, or how it used to be. kissing Bucky was like my first and last kiss all at the same time. every kiss with him is my first and last. he's the world to me. it was like that kiss could last forever. Just us under the stars as the rain fell all over us. like the first time we met but with a kiss. my lips tingled, my body tingled. every time we touched I knew it was meant to be. he pulled away and looked down at me. "I like what you did with your hair." he complemented. I blushed "thank you." he smiled every time he complemented me it felt like the first."Come on babe your getting cold. lets get you inside." he said pulling us both to our feet. I went to dust myself off but there is no point due to the rain. I then felt Bucky's Metal arm sweep me up. he was carrying me back to the apartment. 

when inside he walked me into the room and set me down on my bed in the bedroom. "I like what you did with the place." he said looking around while running his free hand in his hair. " get those wet clothes off and into your robe. I'm gonna draw you a bath." he said kissing my temple. "thanks." I said nodding and removed my clothing slowly while he left the room. after a second I heard the water running. I sighed and walked to my closet and pulled out my floor length floral rode and wrapped it around my body. I was happy he's here, that he's back with me, that he wants me still. I'm happy he isn't afraid to touch me. I wondered what Natasha had told him or talked to him about. I wanna know but I also don't care. as long as I get my Bucky back. 

he walked back into the bedroom with his shirt and shoes off. his wet pants clung to his legs as he reached for me. I took a hold of him and he pulled me to the bathroom. when I walked in it was warm. there was steam coming up from the clear water that filled the tub and the air smelled of lavender. I smiled and turned to face him. he kissed me softly and pilled the string of my rode and pushed the fabric off my shoulders letting the material fall to the ground. he looked at me nervously.

 " I know that I hurt you by not coming sooner. a-and I know its going to take a while for you to fully forgive my betrayal. I understand how much I hurt you. Natasha explained and I never wanted you to go through even more pain then the pain I had already inflicted on you. I love you and I wanna be with you. I wont be with you if you don't want to but I know you do love and want to be with me so ill stay until you don't want me anymore. and ill try my best to never hurt you again. Tony gave me drugs to take before I sleep every night. he said it would help paralyze me when I'm unconscious. so I can sleep and dream without hurting you. I wont touch you until you want me to but would you like to take a bath with me?" he stammered over his words nervously as he talked. trying his best but rushing the words out.

 I just nodded in response and he pulled the rest of his clothes off. he took a hold of me and lifted me up before stepping into the tub and slowly crouching down to sit. "its a little warm Doll." he said before he placed me in between his legs. my back against his chest and his legs on either side of mine. the hot water stung for a moment but felt really amazing against my still sore skin. I hummed and leaned back against him, happy to feel his heart again, his warmth. his heart beat stammered for a few beats before he took a breath "you didn't ever call that guy, did you?" he asked. I turned my head to the side so I could look at him. "what guy?" I asked wondering what turned his mood to jealousy. "that guy that gave you his number while you and Nat were at the mall." he spoke matter of factly. I huffed out a small laugh "Really Bucky?" I rolled my eyes "I never called him. his number if probably still in my pants pocket in the laundry." said. he sighed and I laughed. "I've only ever been yours Bucky." I said kissing his shoulder. he sighed again and poured soap on a luffa and rubbed it in. he slowly began running it over my arms, across my shoulders, and down my legs. it felt good to have his hands on me.

 I let out a relaxed sigh as he washed the last 35 days from my body. the luffa found its way back up my body and he made it a point not to run it across any intimate body parts and it was honestly starting to torture me. I slowly ran my index finger up and down his inner thigh before grabbing the wrist that held the luffa and slowly made him run it over both of my breasts. I could felt his heart skip as I did so. I laid my head back against his shoulder closed my eyes and hummed as I slowly lead his hand down towards my center. the hand that I was leading to my core was his metal one. before I could reach he's hand where it needed to be he stopped "please baby, not this hand." he whispered. my eyes fluttered open to see his. "I love this hand, and there is nothing you can do about it. I love every part of you. I am still upset. but I'm more happy that you even here to began with. please touch me Bucky." I begged.

 his other hand creeped downward. he grabbed the Luffa with his flesh hand and cleaned my center gently. I let out a soft moan and quickly got over the fact that he switched hangs. he removed the luffa and let his hand wonder back down. he separated my folds with his thumb and pinky and his index finger made contact with my already acing clit. my mouth hung open as he started making slow circles with it. I sighed out a long moan as I felt my heat mix with the water in between my legs. I held a hard grip with each of my hands on each other Bucky's thighs. I felt him grow under my but as his one finger slowly took me just how I liked. when I came he lifted one my legs and hooked his metal arm around it holding it open as he slowly slid a finger into and curled it to hit my sweet spot. my mouth flew open as he did the same motion again but this time made sure the palm of his hand was still stimulating my tingling clit. I shook helplessly. "Mmmmm Bucky." I moaned and bit down on his shoulder. "shh shh shh. I got you, just relax. ill get you there again baby." he whispered sexy in my ear. I moaned again as he used multiple fingers to plunge in and out of me hotly. "fuck bucky Fuck Fuckk."  I practically screamed as I came hard again. "Fuck I love you!" I said backing up against his cock. he jumped. "we don't have to do me baby. I just want you to feel good." he said kissing my back in between my shoulder blades. 

" I want too!" I said quickly turning towards him and successfully sinking down on his hard thick shaft. he groaned and placed both his hand on my hips and leaned back against the tile wall. I slowly lifted up and back down on him over and over. I rested one hand on his shoulder for balance so I could move faster on his cock and I brought the other one up and around the back of his neck so I could pull him in for a long and sloppy kiss. "I love you...I love you... I love you!" I said against his lips each time I sunk down on him. "Fuck I love you too!" he said kissing down my face slowly reaching my neck. I grinded against him slowing our pace making it more intimate as his finger traced the small bruises left on my neck. I put my fore head against his and locked eyes with him and grind down over and over. "I forgive you for that Bucky. I love you!" I said again grabbing his metal hand and holding it against my chest in between my breast. his eyes glistened and a small tear fell from his eye and he thrusted upward into me. "I will never leave you. Ever." he said as my legs began to shake once more "I will never leave you!" I repeated back to him as I came around him. he softly moaned as I felt his cum fill my insides. I rode out our highs till my body fell slack and stuck against his chest. 

after about 10 minutes of laying in the water like that he finally slid out of me and lifted me from his chest. "lets get to bed baby!" he said standing In the tub with me in his arms. I smiled and closed my eyes as he turned the bathroom light out and walked into the bedroom. he moved the covers out of the way and slid our wet bodies inside and covered us up. "oh hold on!" he said leaning back over the bed and grabbing his pants off the floor. he grabbed a yellow pill bottle opened it and popped a pill. I rolled my eyes as he threw the jeans back on the ground and turned back to me. he wrapped me in his arms and pulled the covers back over us. "ill do whatever I can to never hurt you again baby. I am so sorry." he said kissing one of the many yellowy bruises on my neck. I smiled and turned to kiss him. "don't even worry about it. I'm with you, till the end of the line!" I said laying my head down on his chest, closing my eyes and slowly falling asleep finally back in his arms.

[the-sun-lovedd-the-moon]

21 Questions

Yay I never get asked to do these! Thank you @jessamarie-rising for tagging.

Rules: Answer 21 questions then tag 21 people you want to get to know better!

1. Nicknames: my boyfriend is literally the only person that calls me by a nickname. He will call me L or “nerm” which is what I call dogs and cute animals.

2. Height: 5’5”

3.Last movie I saw: I just watched Get Out again with my sister. Such a good movie!

4. Last thing I googled: The hours for a new nail salon in town

5. Favorite musicans: Billie Eilish, Hoizer, Harry Styles, Freddie Mercury

6. Song stuck in my head: Someone New by Hoizer

7. Other blogs: I have @ihopeyoulaugh which is cute animals and things that make me laugh. I also have a makeup one but I don’t use it.

8. Following: 312 but a ton of them are inactive.

9. Followers: I cant find it on mobile, but probably about the same as #8

10. Do I get asks: Sometimes! Usually only if I reblog a list of questions.

11. Amount of sleep: 6-7 hours. I am super busy during the week, I could probably use a couple more hours of sleep during the week but what can you do.

12. Lucky number: 11

13. What am I wearing: Leggings and and oversized sweater that I got from goodwill

14. Dream job: Realistically, teaching a 1st-2nd grade classroom in my hometown. Being a pop star sounds fun too though! I’d love to go on tour.

15. Dream Trip: Europe! Ive only ever been out of the states once and that was to Canada

16. Favorite foods: Pasta, candy, chocolate, ice cream

17. Instrument: None but I can sing!

18. Languages: I took Spanish in high school, I wish I retained more. I use a lot of sign language with my kiddos now

19. Random Fact: I was in a rock band in high school

20. Aesthetic: It literally changes daily. That’s why I have so much trouble choosing a color when i get my nails done, and why I will probably never get a tattoo. I know I would hate it in a month. My room is purple with white furniture with a lot of little trinkets and plants. I wear a lot of black and darker colors. Red and yellow are my favorite pops of color for clothes. I love pink accessories, but pink doesn’t look good on me. I also love Tiffany blue for appliances and decor.

21. One last thing about me: I have OCD, but pretty much pure O at this point. So I have had physical compulsions in the past(tapping, not touching certain objects, counting) but I don’t really anymore. Now its mainly intrusive thoughts and obsessive worrying about making mistakes. Feel free to ask me about it if you have questions, I love bringing light to a commonly misunderstood anxiety disorder.

Thanks for reading all of this if you got this far!

I’m tagging... @ajourneywithaj @botanical-being @fleximusmaximus @love-personal @nuclear-so-so @ryan404000 @spenceralthouse @lisathesleepyprincess @believer-of-daydreaming @the-dark-has-no-place-here @tekstiviestimies @kain816 @a-delicious-disaster @searchingforthegreatmanifesto @kooohiiii @bitchslap1738

[neechees]

Hey I'm pretty sure this post & the person who submitted this (but NOT the person who runs this blog, this post was submitted anonymously) is the infamous scammer Ivysour who's been making fake animal fundraiser scams for the past few months, & has had almost 40 blogs alone to doing this.

I say this because this post is worded in exactly the same format & speech that they (Ivysour) would always use constantly in pretty much every fake animal fundraiser, including speaking in first person from the animal's perspective. Below are two different examples from the scammer Ivysour pretending to be two different people fundraising for their sick or injured animals & speaking this way, so you can see it's pretty similar language (note that the cat example has been pixelated by me because it was a gorey photo). These blogs were also proven to be scams by me & the photos & identities of different people were stolen by Ivysour. Notice that the dog example (known as Sherwun, now deleted) also had the fake story of an animal being adopted after previously being mistreated by previous owners, needing medical attention, and that the bills were too much, all while also not providing proof of any of that. Notice a pattern?

The "owner" of "mimi" also gives absolutely no info on themselves whatsoever, just their cat. & I could believe this is Ivysour because they've literally stolen other people's photos, identities, fundraisers, personal information (including documents) so many times that now they're reluctant to do it again, because I would always catch them. They also claim all this info about their cat needing medication, going to the vets, and spending a lot of money on them, but they provide absolutely no proof of any of this (which is something Ivysour would commonly do).

I think the person who submitted this is Ivysour also because its also suspicious that their fundraiser leads to a ko-fi that was made 3 days ago, & they were known for constantly making & then deleting fundraisers as soon as they were caught, so any new blog that appeared suddenly asking for money for their pet looks suspicious, and more and more people have been catching onto that fact & would catch them red handed. Its also weird that their ko-fi links to a deleted instagram, a private twitter who's tweets are protected, and a tumblr that's been inactive since 2018 & has 3 posts.

Additionally, the ko-fi that is listed in the inactive tumblr blog (which the mimi ko-fi is claiming is theirs) doesn't match up with the cat mimi ko-fi, and has been deleted. If that's them, why would you link to your dead tumblr in your fundraiser ko-fi where you also could've posted the fundraiser yourself instead of submitting it anonymously to a random cat blog, and why do these ko-fi accounts not match up? Why link dead accounts? Why link to a deleted instagram? Or to a private instagram? Why link to accounts where you cant or won't verify that that's you, when the point of linking accounts on your ko-fi is so users on ko-fi know where else to reach you?

The tumblr, instagram, and twitter all seem to be the same person but NOT the same person as the 3 day old cat ko-fi so I think this is Ivysour stealing someone else's social media to try look more credible, but making sure it was inactive or deleted accounts because an active account couldn't confirm this wasn't them.

Scammers tricking genuine users with already established blogs into posting their donation scams for them so it looks more credible has also been done before, & this is usually done by scammers who have become well known, like Ivysour.

I think Ivysour submitted this via someone else's blog anonymously because now they didn't have to make a new blog (& all their remade blogs would preemptively block me and others to call our scammers so we couldn't see their blogs or interact with them, which were dead giveaways it was Ivysour scamming again), the post only gets taken down if the blog they submitted it to decides to take it down, it looks more credible, & they were hoping people wouldn't notice it's a submission & instead think this already established cat blog posted it themselves. And I think Ivysour is pretending to be American again since people caught onto the fact that they were based in the Phillipines, are Filipino, and would usually steal other Filipino photos & always have their donation info set to Phillipines Pesos (& they started pretending to be American in their later scams to avoid being caught), but they're using ko-fi as a fundraising account formatted the same as like a gofundme, but ko-fis aren't typically utilized by Americans the way they've set it up, even when connected to a fundraiser or for fundraising reasons.

I suggest that the blog who this was submitted to delete this post and that everyone go and report the kofi ko-fi.com/catmimi right away. And again, the user markv5 is NOT the person behind the scam, this was submitted to their blog by Ivysour to avoid being caught.

My name is Mimi! I’m dealing with a lot of bad things right now. My previous owners weren’t nice people, they simply threw me out in a park with sporotrichosis because is contagious. People fed me but my wounds get infected, and other cats scared me. It was dangerous for them and me, they could get sick too. There was not much of a chance for me to do well in that environment. I was hospitalized, seen by the vet and after run some tests was diagnosed with sporotrichosis. I has been hospitalized for a few days. Accumulating the money to do so has been difficult due to bills and the increasing price of everything. I’m sweeter than a bowl of sugar and the vet thinks that has good chances of full recovery. It will be months on itraconazole until my full recovery. The lady who rescued me have no more money and don’t want to give up on me. She promised to always care for me and protect me. This past year has been devastating due to the pandemic for her. I have medications for another 2 weeks. I’m doing well for now but it’s a long road to recovery, and we have the vet bill to pay. 

If you cannot donate, please consider reblogging/sharing to help. There’s no small donation that can’t help me. Please, anything and everything would be greatly appreciated. Lots of love from Mimi ♡

Donations: ko-fi.com/catmimi