#cant believe i spelled fucking commune wrong

[plaguethewaters]

Sixteenth Day Event Prompt:

Technoblade remembers the arctic commune

techno remembers (to pack) the commune

aka, emduo is moving to a new place after canon, but techno has as much autism as i will him to and does Not like separating from his past

[the-fat-raccoon]

🌌 astro-gnomey Follow

Some of you don't want to hear it but at some point we're going to HAVE to acknowledge the effects of storm sorcerers (and keiromancy as a whole) on the environment. The wizard council has been pushing for regulations on these practices for years due to its large ecological effect on the realm, and yet it still stays unregulated because of misinformed petitioners who insist on preserve this harmful practice.

x x x

🌬 420haz3it Follow

hey ops ex here. they literally went through my family's tome of spells and destroyed every page that contained keiromancy. spells that were in my family since the Wizardry Renaissance, that saved towns from floods and droughts alike, are now lost to time and space

also as people in the notes pointed out all of those links are blatant misinformation that ignores what storm sorcerers have done to protect not only their local communities but the environment as a whole for centuries, and the people who spread this information are the exact same people who advocated to repeal the wishing star protection act.

hating keiromancy has always been a distraction so astrological mages can push for more unsafe practices in their own field. don't let them lie about their intent, and don't let the wizard council rush the process to earn an astromage liscense.

🪄 tradmage12 Follow

Being from a family of storm sorcerers puts a direct line from you to the Great Calamity that wiped out our magic for a millenia. You deserve to lose that tome and every last spark of magic in you.

🌬 420haz3it Follow

what

🌬 420haz3it Follow

theres no way youre serious. you dont actually believe that.

🪄 tradmage12 Follow

We all know it, the Great Calamity would have never happened if the sorcerer faction had listened to the wizard councils orders and steered clear of dragon hunting. But they didn't listen, and everyone suffered because of it. Don't act like there's no reason to not trust your kind with their own practices. You just can't help yourselves.

🌌 astro-gnomey Follow

I leave for the Berry Harvest and come back to this mess, really funny how you'll mention me taking action against your family's evil dark spells but don't mention that you only dated me for your weird gnomeplay fantasies. Also pay attention to the language used, very Anti Mage rhetoric being spread. What else would you expect of a storm sorcerer, of course they want to keep their powers, I'm going to shut off reblogs if people in the notes cant see how they're being manipulated by keiromancers. Quit trying to be 'progressive' when you just want to keep ruining the course of nature and keep down the mage class.

🌬 420haz3it Follow

get me off this fucking lichsite. there is no 'anti mage rhetoric', that's not a fucking thing. mages aren't some repressed class no matter how much you want to pretend that, they haven't had to deal with magical restrictions since before the great calamity even happened, meanwhile sorcerers to this day are still fighting to be seen as magical equals.

and while im at it 'keiromancers' is a made up term to put all weather magic users under one umbrella, as if forms of keiromancy arent so diverse amongst the realms that you cant even begin to compare them. it is not the same as saying necromancers. dont even start that bs.

also, gnomeplay is perfectly normal and acceptable between consenting partners, which we were, so idek why you bring that up. if i as a half elf want to have gnome partners theres literally no issue with that, youre mad because gneillielle has a more bountiful gourd harvest and far more whimsical tunes than you ever brought to our relationship.

storm sorcerers have done nothing wrong, you're the problem.

perhaps some shadow work could unlodge the staff youve got stuck up your cap and you could see the filthy fuckign system youre supporting as an astromage, im sick and tired of this.

🎱 claire-vances-fourth-eye Follow

op starts posting untagged wizard council x reader failed abjuration content in a year btw

5,482 notes

[voidedaurora]

I didn't want to talk about this PUBLICALLY because I didn't want to air out her personal business like that, and I did try friending Lance and talking to Kiwi about this in private but unfortunately I was asleep when Lance accepted my friend rq and they randomly decided to block me before I got to talk to them about things, claiming they gave me "all day" but it was only like 8 hours max (bc its 4pm for me rn as I'm posting this)

But Lance has been posting stuff on Mels account on her behalf lying about some things regarding a wellness check I'd had called on her out of concern for her life and I'd like to clear all of that up 100% since they're flat out lying about parts and trying to spin a completely untrue narrative for other parts. I'm not sure what they're trying to do other than make me look bad but I digress Here is the post I'll be referring to https://www.youtube.com/@Quartelz9377/community

and the screenshot they use as "proof"

Now, firstly the easiest thing I can disprove is them saying that "it seems more like an attempt at damage control. This message was sent after the fact that the police were called, and Mel was hospitalized."

This isn't true, the message they use to prove this was sent on 10/14/2024 at 7:23am and then edited ONE MINUTE LATER to presumably correct a spelling mistake Evidence/proof that I sent that message on the 14th and NOT the 1st of November when the wellness check was called

And then proof of the edits within the message supporting the time It was sent/what I claim (for anyone that doesn't know, you can click the edit next to an edited message of your OWN to show your edit history, you cant see previous versions but you can see when it was edited)

This was NOT when I called a wellness check on her, I was concerned for her wellbeing and was debating it but I decided it'd be best to leave her friends to make sure she was okay since the things she was posting in her server hadn't yet gotten to "I'm gonna kill myself!" type of messages Here's the doodles that concerned me and prompted that message to Kiwi on the 14th please note these were PUBLICALLY posted in her discord server so I'm not rlly "exposing" or leaking anything

Now, Lance, Kiwi, and Koi have all been trying to downright smear my name saying I don't care about Mel and only called the wellness check to "look better" or gain something from it. This absolutely is NOT the case. I understand ya'll are used to Mel and everyone around her's actions being purely out of them gaining something from EVERYTHING they do but that simply is NOT me. Unlike ya'll I can not like someone and not wish fucking death and harm upon them. Now, I think its important to make it clear why I called the wellness check. I'd been let know by a mutual that on the 1st (Nov) Mel had been openly talking about her being suicidal atm and saying things that generally suggested she was going to harm/kill herself. Here are said messages.

Now, I think ANY PERSON would be concerned about someone if they were seeing them say shit like this, she literally says "I'm already on the fuckin' edge I just need one more reason". These personally were enough for me to believe that she was possibly going to hurt herself or end her life, and I do not want that. I don't like her. I don't want anything to do with her. These are true things I stand by, but I do not want her to hurt herself, I don't want her to end her life, and I don't want to harm her as an individual. I care about her as a FELLOW LIVING BREATHING PERSON and I at the time would've rather risked being wrong about her hurting herself and looking stupid calling a wellness check, than sit back and do nothing and possibly allow her to kill herself. If I CAN do something to prevent that I will, I could and I did. I do not regret this decision and I would do it again if she or ANYONE was in danger of hurting themselves or others. - Now that those intentions are clear I'd like to address the clear smearing of my name in all of this based purely off of personal hatred and bias from everyone involved?? Here's a couple statements from Kiwi and koi of them just flat out lying/smearing my name and otherwise trying to prove I'm an evil egotistical piece of shit or sm

I'd put more but I don't think that's necessary. As you can see from these, they're all trying to paint this as some malicious premeditated thing I was trying to do to Mel, using that message I sent to kiwi on the 14th as proof. I came off as not concerned because of WHO I was talking to (I really don't like kiwi </3 she's kind of a piece of shit so I cant help but be a bit blunt) and at the time I was also kind of upset she was flat out venting to everyone in her server, seeking comfort from a bunch of 16 yr old's is just crazy to me and it felt really icky to me, but I still did want her to be checked up on at the time. I'm not going to share the messages for what I'll mention now out of the privacy for the people I'd dmed to make the wellness check happen, but when she sent the messages alluding to killing herself on the 1st I panicked and immediately got onto figuring out a way to call a wellness check on her because I couldn't myself, dming ANYONE who would be able to about it because In my head, I didn't want to risk it and be too late. I ended up being able to wake up clover and have her call in the check in the end. I didn't even think about the fact Mel could've been pissed off/would've started things because of it until after the wellness check was called, it was definitely a concern that she would start shit because of it but I knew I'd be okay because after all, I did NOT do anything wrong by calling that check in because there was no other intent there other than her safety. I've never even done anything to suggest the idea that I'd ever do something like this just to "look better" either (to my knowledge) so I'm pretty sure what they're all trying to do right now is PURELY out of hatred and spite for me, trying to get back at me from what I can tell, although I do not deny that Kiwi could've lied about when it was sent, or lance could've convinced kiwi it was edited on a day it wasn't, or whatever else. This could've been a misunderstanding on their end but I don't think that's the case considering their attitudes and behavior regarding all of this. The last thing I will mention is this part of their announcement here

It's been going around that I blocked Mel and that she couldn't reach out to me because of that to clear things up personally, I dont remember exactly who, when, or where this was said but I do know it's been going around. This isn't true, I haven't had Mel blocked a SINGLE time since she left because I'd been advocating for her to talk to me about all of this privately, as much as it would've been more comfortable for me to do, I knew I couldn't. Additionally Lance is implying here that I've been constantly dming/harassing Mel or her friends, this is not the case. The only times/people I've dmed about any of this of her friends have been trying to DM lance about all of this to sort it out in private last night (sending a friend RQ) and then Kiwi on a couple occasions, the last instance we actually talked was when I was asking Kiwi to credit me for the VTuber she'd commissioned which she'd been using without ANY credit and intentionally not telling people who rigged it and ignoring when they asked (the biggest instances of this was her actual debut.) and then here's the rest of the dms until I recently relocked her

That's honestly all I have to say about all of this, I'm hoping I was able to provide some clarity to any of you confused and properly was able to clear their mess up, if anyone has questions or concerns my dms and asks are open

[thesungod]

i still cant believe they did will like that. like why did he just get bullied and harassed so fucking badly man. and why did No One take accountability for that. iirc the birds that kidnapped him never got killed, and will is on the verge of tears apologizing for asking how they grow plants without the sun and also under the belief he’s gonna get abandoned in tartarus meanwhile nico is like five seconds away from telling will to khs like oh my god leave him alone 😭 he’s being stupid can’t you just communicate that instead of subtly getting mad at him without telling him whats wrong. the writers do all that but then present will as someone with no issues and trauma at all too like girl he’s literally getting traumatized, just not by whatever’s going on in tartarus. TSATS!will needs to run FAR far away from TSATS!nico. TOA!solangelo is my best friend now i’m holding them precious in my hands knowing what will become of them. oh the horrors.

okay first of all this ask is hilarious.

second of all i must say i don’t completely agree. while i didn’t enjoy the constant arguing and disliked the way nico felt outright mean a couple of times (the scene where he makes will sob lives in my brain rent free. holy guacamole), it was an interesting choice and made them fleshed out as characters and as a couple. clearly the lack of communication, while annoying, was written intentionally and i can respect that.

it did make the book less enjoyable to me and to you, but it’s a writing choice that i can’t berate because at the end of the day it’s valid. not every relationship is all sunshine and roses and if that’s how rick sees solangelo, then that’s that.

do i mourn their ToA selves? yes lmao honestly. they felt fun and natural. but to be fair we were seeing only a 10% of them, and it was from apollo’s perspective.

the reasons i disliked the book mostly regard the plot points and the writing. which are atrocious, i’m sorry. also nico in general was done big disservices.

but yeah, while i occasionally banged my head against the wall and thought “WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TWO EVEN TOGETHER” i do see where rick and mark were going with all that. it felt a bit heavy ended at places if you know what i mean (Will pretty much spells out that they had communication issues at the end lol) and a bit too much as if the authors were trying to teach the reader a lesson about relationships instead of just letting the plot flow, but the conflict itself wasn’t a bad idea.

i even liked it!! i did like the scene where will sobs and thinks nico is gonna abandon him because it felt real. and nico was a bit of an asshole throughout so i had predicted will was gonna break at some point.

he did deserve an apology in the end, in my opinion, but many readers feel like it’s the other way around so who knows. i’ve noticed ToA fans seem to be mostly on Will’s side while people who are neutral/didn’t particularly like/didn’t read ToA are mostly on Nico’s. so that’s fun.

#teamWill

[stars-in-our-skies]

I think you missed the entire point of that poll

It’s not “psychological VS spiritual” it’s “using the word otherkin as it was intended (an identity) vs using it for characters you simply relate to”

Also, having a past life and identifying as that thing from a past life is inherently not a delusion. Spreading misinformation like that is harmful to those who actually experience psychosis.

Ignore any spelling errors. I have a migraine.

A. didnt misunderstand the point, just thought it was a non-issue, because it is

B. MY point was that, tldr, who gives a fucking shit what term you use when you experience the same thing. I believe i said that, too.

but, ok right. if the question is "kinning for fun". i can't imagine youd be "kinning" anything unless you seriously identified with what youre "kinning" as.

in which case, the definition of kin is identifying with/as something-- as in, part of your identity. & as someone who was in that community for a while i didnt notice anyone trying to claim that there was this huge difference between why you identify with/as something until… maybe a year or two ago? I dunno. im not involved much anymore. Like i said, things got crazy around the time that mogai first gained waves. Historically on otherkin forums it was accepted as just another way of experiencing kinship. (And i would know, i was there!)

so by our definition… yes, it should be included in kin if it's what they want. If you're looking for "believing in kinship spiritually i.e past lives" vs "strongly identifying with/as something" then… theres not too much of a difference in the experience other than origin. In which case, we already had words for those; spiritual kin & psychological kin. i did not keep a kin journal & frequent sites like otherkin.net back in 2016 for yall to tell me that this wasnt a thing LMAO.

(sidebar, it reminds me of when people try to say that endo systems are ~inherently different~ to traumagenic systems because of ~fundamental differences~ or some bullshit. They aren't, theyre functionally the same. they just formed under different conditions. Same shit, different community. //shrug)

But, lets use your example then. "Relating to a character". I dont believe that happens, but ok, thats me and maybe im wrong. if the thing was "i kin for funsies but i dont think im actually that thing / i just relate to this character" then yes, it would be a different word. I'm not sure about these days, but 8 years ago we called that a synpath. and even then, still not an issue. The broad otherkin community has always been accepting of kin-for-fun. Thats why terms like synpath & -hearted were made -- because theyre subtypes of otherkin & fictionkin.

i'm not fond of the "they should use a different word" thing. Seems like another attempt at "correcting" people on their own identities. Leaves a bad taste in my mouth considering how often "you cant use this word because it was made with this other thing in mind" is used as an argument against queer identities but i digress.

I could see this argument working maybe if kin was a closed practice, but it was never closed to begin with and like i said, was always inclusive of all kintypes including synpaths. //shrug again

C. all religion & spirituality is man-made. It's something that can't be proven and something people believe in blindly. Ergo, delusion. Admittedly, a better term here would probably be "societal construct". But I'm not in the mood to think it through much more.

and before anyone tries to argue with me over religion & spirituality. I love anthropology, and i love the history of religion and its importance to humanity, and i know that religion has a long and complicated history, but that does not mean that i believe in it or even like it.

D. lastly, Im delusional you loser. I deserve $50 for reading that bullshit alone.

[the-knight-of-the-stars]

Mal and Ben: The problems on D2

I haven't seen anyone talk about this closely so I'm bringing it up.

Why on earth does D2 frame Mal as the victim when Uma shows up at cotillion when like... Ben has every right to invite another girl.

I mean, the love spell aside. If he really invited Uma to cotillion why is Mal fucking crying and being "ohh poor her, she is so upset". What is she upset about?? Why is she and everyone else acting like Ben cheat on her??

Did you all forget she abandoned him after ONE discussion in which, by the way, she tried to spell Ben? And then broke up with him and made it very clear she wanted that and it was the best for everyone.

Let's take a close look at this. I´ll try to keep my mind open. Hold yourselves guys, this may be a little long. 

Ben and Mal's relationship seems... Problematic at the beginning of D2. They have a communication issue, Ben is busy and stressed but he never shows it to Mal, he always wants to be the perfect prince for her. Mal is constantly lying to him and hiding things from him, changing herself to "fit" with what she thinks Ben wants.

Is clear that Mal has many trusting and self-esteem problems (I think some therapy would do her good). Also, she has a problem with the use of magic, it has become a bad habit, and no matter what everyone says to her, she ignores them and victimizes herself. Her behavior is even a little self-destructive, and towards Ben, is really toxic. 

Ben is seen trying his best to make her feel comfortable, and yes, him being busy all the time and not very open to her either doesn't help Mal's problems. But here is the thing, the movie, constantly frames their situation as it was only Ben's job to make an effort, but is it really? I feel like the movie wants us to think Ben should have known what Mal was feeling, that he should have been there paying her attention.

And I don't think that's fair. He is still a teenager, and not an ordinary one, he already has a whole kingdom on his hands, an entire nation that depends on him. His duty is with Auradon first. And still, he tries his best to spend time with Mal, to visit her between classes, to be available to her. And even if his only occupation was being Mal's boyfriend, I believe is unfair to expect him to just know what Mal feels. 

People who had emotionally unavailable parents growing up, people inexperienced in healthy communication, people under a lot of stress, people with depression, people with PTSD, with ADHD, neurodivergent people, even people who had a bad day, or is sleepy, all these people are many times unable to understand indirect signals from people around them, that doesn't make them bad people, or bad parents, bad siblings, bad partners. 

That is why good communication is so important in a relationship. We cant expect Ben to just know, when Mal has been lying to him for weeks, and possibly (we´ll get to that) spelling him to not remember.

This is when we get to their first fight... and oh boy. 

They are sharing a nice moment, Ben even mentions that he misses spending time with her. He compliments her for making all that food. And then he finds the spellbook, and he is not even angry. He is disappointed because he didn't just find out she used magic to make the picnic, he just finds out she has been lying to him for gods know how long. 

And then... Mal tries to spell him. 

I cannot express enough how wrong that was. How messed up that was. This not only shows us how Mal is unable to take responsibility and face any kind of consequence for her actions, but this also shows truly abusive behavior towards Ben. She is erasing his memories and only leaving the ones she wants him to remember, that is manipulation, which is basically magical gaslighting. 

Imagine if Ben after that fight decided he didn't want to date Mal anymore, but now he can't, because she erased his memories, she went against his wishes and left him unable to walk away from her. It removes his free will and is a violation of his freedom. It's very worrying that she knew that spell by memory and didn't even think before start casting it the second Ben showed any emotion aside of the “happy nice boyfriend” she wants. 

It's still debatable whether Mal had spell him before in similar situations or not because we don't have enough information to confirm it. But the isolated incident is very abusive on its own, even if she never actually spell him. 

And what makes it worst is that she doesn't apologize, the next thing she says is “Ben, it's been so hard for me”. She is taking the blame out of her again, justifying her actions. And I think that is one of the worst parts, she doesn't think what she did is wrong, she thinks she had to do it. 

This is when we get to Ben very rightfully being angry for the first time in the movies. Let me make it clear: He says for the first time what he really feels and it turns against him. Mal then finally tells him why she did all that and admits that she has been faking it all, again, without taking any guilt on this whole situation. 

Ben tries to keep talking about the matter but Mal refuses. Then she runs away because she “Doesn't belong there”. She doesn't tell Ben, doesn't even bother breaking up with him, she just leaves. And we once again see Ben excusing Mal's abusive behavior.

When Evie goes to tell Ben that Mal went back to the Island he is the one who assumes all the blame, saying it was all his fault, that he should have been more understanding of her, and he acted “like a beast”. Now, here is our prove that Ben is also dealing with some serious self-esteem problems, he doesn't express his feelings, and the first time he does, he thinks he wasn't entitled to feel them, he feels he was ”a beast” just because he showed anger. He doesn't know how to show his emotions in a healthy way. 

The way Ben feels like he was to be perfect and the “ideal good person” all the time really worries me. Is like he is afraid all the time to hurt the feelings of others. And the way he specifically uses the word Beast as something negative that he doesn't want to be, and the way he backs in fear when his father loses his temper in the first movie, really makes you think about the way he was raised. 

Many people have pointed out that Ben and his family show signs of domestic violence and I couldn't agree more. Is very telling the way he excuses everything Mal does and bearly disagrees with her. We have seen how his father gaslights him, and if he is used to that type of treatment, of course, he cant see how wrong it is what Mal does.

Despite Mal giving up on their relationship, Ben still tries to talk to her, putting himself in danger (yes, as King is very dangerous for him to go to the isle without protection) to work out their problems and apologize to Mal. The first thing he says is “I'm so sorry about our fight, it was all my fault” He takes full responsibility for the discussion, no question asked. 

When Mal says she doesn't think she can change, Ben says that then he is the one who will change. I think it speaks for itself, Mal isn't willing to bend her agenda for him, but he is.

Mal refuses to come back, refuses to try to solve their problems no once, but at least three times during this conversation. Just to end it with Ben asking if she loves him, and she doesn't answer, she instead says this is what is best for everyone and asks Ben to go three times.

So big shock, he does. 

He gets the message, and he decides to come back to Auradon, where, by the way, he is needed. And he gets kidnaped and then Mal has to rescue him. When they meet again after, coming back to Auradon in the car, Ben apologizes AGAIN because “things didn't go the way Mal wanted” like, this is getting ridiculous, what is he apologizing for this time??

So, let's see. Mal lies to him for weeks, when she gets caught she tries to spell Ben and doesn't take any responsibility, abandons him and then repeatedly tells him that she wants to end things and that she is not willing to try to resolve things. 

So Ben accepts, and when he decides to bring another girl to cotillion Mal is suddenly surprised, and hurt, and upset???

Like, does she want him to move on or not? Is not even like she is worried about him going out with Uma, someone who captures him, she is upset because HOW DOES HE DARE GO BACK TO THE ISLE TO GET SOMEONE HE CARES ABOUT (You didn't care when you were the one he went to get hhum Mal?).

It pains me how much Mal can't stand to look at Ben being happy with someone. The whole damn movie she told him to stay away, she told him that she wanted what was best for him. So why now, in front of everyone, SHE is the one playing victim? Why is she acting like Ben is the one who broke her heart, the one who gave up on her??

She broke up with him, she abandoned him, she refused to talk to him, she told him to get away, and NOW she wants him to be understanding and forgiving??

And when the fucking painted glass shit is revealed she realizes he loved the real her?? Because he put her green eyes and purple hair on a painting? Not because he put his life in danger for her, not because he told her he was willing to change for her?

She wants him to love her “as she really is”. Why doesn't SHE love him like he really is?? She walked away from him the second he wasn't perfect, but she can make all the mistakes in the world and should just... be forgiven?

No, sorry, I´m not buying that. And I certainly don't want them to marry.

[quitethepirategal]

An Analysis in Threes

❥ TAGGED BY: @emcads​ like 30 years ago ❥ TAGGING: @riidcr​ @starsailingcaptain​ @covencrown​ @hookd​ @all-fleshed-out​ @evermxre​ @motherofredemption​ @bup1957​ @conquistadoradelmar​ @seaprofound​ @tcthinecwnself​ @withinycu​ @windguided​ @daevilhorns​ @concordia-cum-sinistro​ and YOU and I spent like 8 hours on this so pLEASE READ IT PLEASE I AM BEGGING I NEED VALIDATION I’M-

     repost don’t reblog. yall dont have to type this much.

MUSE: Captain Red Handed Jessica

Three Strengths:

     Her adaptability and resourcefulness.  Is she brave, yes.  Is she lucky, also yes.   But over all, she can roll with the cards she’s been dealt in a way that many would call inhumanly clever.  Her intelligence, her perception, and her charisma are all different ingredients of this indomitable characteristic of hers.  She can see the value in just about anything and anyone, can pick up on clues and tangents few others can follow, and can remember seemingly endless details, tho unfortunately not on command.  But even then, her patchy memory seems to contribute to this adaptability as well, as it usually allows for detachment.  If she can find resources everywhere, it means she can survive everywhere. There have been countless times where the wheel of fortune has suddenly turned on her and she’d lost near everything and her response was more or less Damn, ok I need food water and shelter lets go.  No food?  Grow food.  No water?  Ask someone if they have water.  No shelter?  Sleep outside.  No money?  Steal money.  Can’t hear anymore?  Cool I can use loud weapons.  Crashed on an island?  My island now.  Shot?  Free bullet.  She knows when to push, she knows when to quit, and sometimes she knows when to gamble based on her ability ( what a man can do and what he can’t do and all that ).  Strong she may be, she knows its foolish to rely on strength.  Survival of the fittest actually rarely means survival of the strongest. ( edit; this is the theme for the entirety of her character. I will say it 50,000 times. I am very sorry ).  And as a student of philosophy and biology, she understands that phrase better than most. Leading to our next point.

     Her understanding.  As I stated, her charisma is something unmatched, and is a key element in all three of her strengths.  This charisma might not exist as prominently were it not for her ability to understand.  She has limited ( I’ll get back to that ) but deep running empathy and while not terribly observant all the time, she is always perceptive.  Not only that, but she’s personally known abuse, hardship, and uncertainty, and understands that hate or anger can be rooted in similar pain.  She was schooled lightly in both Christian and Buddhist values before diving heavily into democratic philosophy, meaning she believes all being experience suffering and therefore kindness is a powerful sign of strength, but also that suffering while free and equal is better than comfort in oppression.  And between her sweet words and beautiful face, she can get most people to open up in ways they themselves my not have expected.  Being very good with people means she can learn from them, gain something from them, lead them, and/or use them.  But Jessica isn’t a manipulator in truth; her intentions are almost always kind or healthy ones.  She absolutely uses people from time to time but not EVER without them consenting to or being made aware of such because again, unlike a manipulative person, she understands that can ruin a relationship and therefore ruin a resource.  What it makes for is an excellent leader, a beloved captain, and a trusted ally at most and an excellent conversationalist at the least.      But her understanding isn’t just social, oh no.  It’s academic as well.  Armed only with his little library and the lessons of his own teachers, Jessica’s foster father tirelessly smithed her into a not just a girl who knew a lot of things, but a truly intelligent, thinking mind. He’d die before learning he’d succeeded tenfold.  Jessica isn’t one to just except things as they are, facts or otherwise.  She usually needs to prove it, experiment, see things from a new angle.  Debates with her are fun!  She has no issue admitting she’s wrong or confessing she’s never thought of it that way, and is actually wrong a lot of the time.  It doesn’t bruise her ego, it excites her.  It means there’s more to learn.  And her ability to constantly understand new concepts paired with her ability to overwhelmingly understand people combine to make for a very powerful core idea of hers:  We are fittest to survive because we all fit together.  Our humanity, our empathy, our community are our strengths because they keep us united, which keeps us the fittest.  No one is independent, no man is an island.  People are power. And thus her final strength is just that.

     Her power.  While she and I still firmly state that strength isn’t everything don’t be disillusioned; its very goddamn important.  And it’s something Jessica has plenty of.  She is durable and clever because of her rocky early childhood, she is quick and versatile from her youth in a pirate port, she is physically strong and mighty from her years training in martial arts, and she’s an absolute crackshot after years of diligent practice with her trusty pistols.  Her true strength may lie in her brains and in her allies yes, but even without them, Red Jessica is a powerhouse of a warrior.  She can end fights extremely quickly or run from them without a prayer of catching her ( no shame in the later, both skills keep you alive ).  And it may be in bad taste to say, but ever since loosing most of her hearing, Jess swears up and down it’s made her vision better, her reaction time faster, and her quick thinking even quicker.  Yes of course she’s slowed down with age, but a bullet shoots at the same speed no matter how old you are.  And you best hope she didn’t bring her firecrackers, because while sudden loud noises will absolutely temporarily discombobulate or debilitate an opponent with healthy hearing, it’ll hardly effect her at all and suddenly, you’re a sitting duck.  You see those thighs?  You see those calves?  She can crush PINEAPPLES with them!  People have seen her do it!  Do you know how many micro-fractures broke and rebuilt those hands?  Thousands!  She can crush a trachea like a fucking beer can!  She can kick you to death!  One ill placed curb stomp and you are DECEASED.  Sometimes she’ll just psyche you out because she KNOWS you know she can kill your stupid ass!       But while her strength, mental and physical, have always been there, her power is relatively new.  As stated before, people are power.  Not knowledge, not money, not strength.  People.  She’s a fearsome warrior but she’d be useless if outnumbered.  Shes a very successful pirate, but she’d never make it out of port without a crew on her ship.  She found a gorgeous island, but it’d still be wild without those who built it’s piers and buildings.  She manages orchards and tends to them and harvests them herself, but she would loose all of her crop without the helping hands of her employed farmers.  And like I mentioned, she deeply understands this.  Freedom is not independence or vice versa.  Did you make the clothes on your back or the fabric that made those clothes?  Did you write the books you read to make you smarter or teach you that skill?  Did you plant the seed years ago that grew that orange you’re eating?  No, of course not.  Jessica didn’t either.  Another human did.  We all need each other to fill the holes in our lives that we can’t fill ourselves.  Humans are puzzle pieces in that way, there is no bigger picture or prayer for survival on our own.  And because of this, we can do anything we as a community, as a SPECIES work together to achieve.  There is no knowledge if there’s no one to learn from, there is no money if a society don’t give it value, your money is worthless if those you’re paying decide to rise against you, your role as leader only exists at the consent of those you lead, and your strength won’t save you from a sinking ship.  People are, and always will be, power.       And as someone who is exceptionally strong and exceedingly smart, Jessica has slotted herself in the humanity puzzle thusly: The strong exist to protect the weak, the smart exist to educate, and the lucky exist so the unlucky may be given aid.  And it is with this fairness and compassion that she has won the trust of so many.  She has a great many friends and allies even outside of those in her crew or on her island.  And she can make many more with ease.  That kind of power is not a power to be trifled with, even if she can kick your ass six ways to Saturday without it. 

Three Weaknesses:

     She suffers ADHD.  Now before ANY OF Y’ALL SAY ANYTHING, I myself also suffer ADHD.  And yes I do say suffer because well that’s what it causes for Jessica and I, suffering.  Yes, it is ableist language to say ‘suffering from’ rather than ‘has’ or ‘is diagnosed with’ and yes it perpetuates a stigma against us but god DAMN IT in both Jessica’s case and mine, it make life much much harder than it needs to be.  At the end of the day, Red Jessica is a fantasy of mine; I pour myself into her whether I mean to or not.  She’s the adult I wish I was, the person I might be if I had no anxiety, or brainfog, or lived in a world were I didn’t need a credit score or a degree. And even then, I can’t say I know anyone else’s problems better than my own.  So if my character has problems, by sheer osmosis they are going to reflect some of mine.  Both of the characters I write have ADHD because I have ADHD and I couldn’t even begin to know how a non-ADHD mind works to write it properly.  And no, I’m not being dramatic when I say it causes me suffering.  I can’t drive, I can’t hold down a job, I nearly flunked out of school, I still cant read very fast or spell very well, I am constantly overwhelmed by mundane things, I’m a slow learner, I forget very important things or recent things, I forget about things that mean the world to me, I forget about people, I stumble through tasks, I procrastinate hobbies and basic hygiene, and everything I do takes all goddamn day and I can only really do one important thing at a time and in order of importance.  If I have a date at 4pm, I’m dressed and ready at 11am because I’ve gotta do the important thing first or else I will forget to do the important thing.  I started typing this at a little before 5pm.  It’s 7;30.  It’ll probably be 10 o’clock at night by the time I fucking finish ( edit: l m a o its 1am bitch you thought ).  I’m 26 and am just medicated enough to barely function.  So yeah.  Suffering is the word.       Though for Jessica, perhaps suffering is a tad strong of a word.  Her ADHD affects her ability to function in far less debilitating ways ( though whether that’s a result of a less severe diagnosis than me or the result of the society, situations, and responsibilities she functions in and around are far different from mine, who’s to say ).  For her, she has very consuming hyperfixations that can last anywhere between weeks to decades, a spotty memory that is detail and memento oriented,  she’s scatterbrained more often then not but can focus with amazing clarity on her interests or in high adrenaline situations, is is ABYSMALLY bad at math and EXCRUCIATINGLY bad with numbers ( as opposed to me, who is good at numbers but shit at spelling or reading ), she can forget anything no matter how important it is to her or to anyone, she’s bad with names and dates, is COMPLETELY time-blind, has trouble prioritizing, and of course, wile not actually that materialistic, she absolutely has the ol’ magpie instinct.       While her poor memory assists in her adaptability and ability to move on, it also means she forgets things she needed to remember, like when the last time she bathed was and who this person is and what happened between her and someone else or what conversation’s shes had.  Unfortunately this means she’s a very good friend and leader... while you’re around and interacting with her on at least a weekly basis.  It’s almost a lack of object permanence in both a social and very real sense.  If something is not right in front of her, odds are she’s not going to think about it.  And while its something she constantly kicks herself for and actively tries to be better about, it applies to people too.  Face to face is the best way to interact with her; she won’t think to write you and in her modern verse she won’t think to ever call and she’ll text you back in perhaps a few days.  She doesn’t value you any less, I promise.  She’s just either distracted or overwhelmed.  Also, for someone as understanding as her, she is surprisingly self-centered.  Not selfish, self-centered.  She’ll talk about herself more than she should, and will assume people understand that she’s doing so as a form of showing empathy rather than bragging when they may not know this at all.  Actually she accidentally assumes all the time.  It was far worse when her hearing was functional; she’d finish your sentence for you or guess what it was you were going to say ( again, not to talk over, you but to show she understands you and the conversation, tho it usually came of as annoying or patronizing ).  Sometimes she mistakenly assumes you believe or know the same things she does without even realizing it.  Maybe she perceives the right idea off of someone but isn’t observant enough to notice anything past that.  And while she is willing to change her mind about things, she might change her mind a tad too quickly.  She’s an over-sharer and is horrible at keeping any kind of secret.  Romantic relationships tend to fizzle out. Her impulse control is improving but has a VERY long way to go. She’s always chasing something new.       All and all, when you’re a pirate, a librarian, or even a captain, all of these things may be irritating and inconvenient, but are overall manageable in chunks.  ...But as a governor to her island, as a leader of an entire population... oof. In the position of leadership that she’s in, she can’t afford to make too many massive mistakes, and she knows this.  ‘There is no power quite like the power of being underestimated’ is a phase you’ll hear her say a lot but for her, there is a shift in connotation.  If people expect less and you do more that’s a great upper hand in any situation but for her, it was a safety net.  Having ADHD sometimes means going months or years being fine and then eventually you fuck up and everyone around you wonders how in the world you managed to do that.  She has only barely avoided disaster more times than she’d like to admit.  Even with the resourcefulness, the understanding, and the power she wields, she’s finally starting to realize that she’s bit off more than she might be able to chew, with the entire well-beings and livelihoods of others on the line.  And she fears that one day she’ll play her cards wrong and everything she’d built, everything she’s done, will all come crashing down in ruin.

     She is Hard of Hearing.  This one is literally as simple as it sounds: she has moderate and degenerative hearing loss and tinnitus after years of canons, explosions, gunshots, and a definitive, scale tipping attack in her early 30s.  Her ears just don’t work at all like they used to.  The whole world sounds like it would if everything was underwater: she can’t pin point the location of sounds, how far off or close sounds are, and barely registers changes in volume. And it only gets worse the older she gets; one day she won’t hear anything at all.  And while yes, again, it might be very harsh and ableist to say, the truth of the matter that being deaf a “ weakness ” more often than its a strength.       That said, it very well can be a strength.  I’ve already mentioned that trick with the firecrackers and let me tell you it is a DAMN EFFECTIVE TRICK.  Shes around explosions and canons and guns all the time and now she can focus while being around them five times better than she could in the past!  But unfortunately it also means she’s very easy to sneak up on, she sometimes isn’t aware of danger until it’s nearly too late,  no one can get her attention or warn her across any distance, it’s very easy to escape from her, and it’s easy for her to be just... left out of things.  She might hear you talking, but she has little to no idea what you’re saying without sign or lipreading.  Some people don’t have the patience or even just the courtesy to speak slower, or clearer, or repeat themselves a lot.  Though, those last too thinks aren’t weaknesses of hers so much as they are the weakness of others, but they still negatively affect her self esteem and her effectiveness as a leader.       All of this has taught her to pick her battles carefully, and plan around the elements of surprise and discombobulation.  And while communication was tricky at first, it only got easier, and now she can talk to you almost like anyone can, so long as she’s looking you in the face. 

     That damn bleeding heart.  We have established a number of things that should easily add up to an overly empathetic, trusting, fight-the-good-fight, martyr-some, idealistic pushover;  she believes humanity and kindness are strengths, she has taken on the role of leader and then a provider, she has known suffering and tasked herself with ending the suffering of others to the best of her ability,  she lacks the clarity of mind to assume people aren’t just as good or capable as her automatically, she can have poor impulse control at times,  she wants to have relationships, and ( while I never stated this outright yet it can be inferred  ), she believes that being able to see yourself in others is the foundation of humanity and ( as i did say outright ) humanity is what keeps us unified and unity is what makes us fit and strong.  Keeping up?  Good. Here’s the curve ball: How can she whole hardheartedly preach and believe all of this, to the point of it being the foundation of her character, WHILE BEING A VIOLENT THIEVING AND BLOODTHIRSTY PIRATE?!  HOW, MANGO? HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?! MAKE IT MAKE SENSE!!  Ok, fine, sure, I will. I’m sure about one half of you are looking up from the screen and going “ Oh yeah, wow I totally forgot that bit. “ and the other half got about two and a half paragraphs in before squinting and silently calling bullshit. So let me explain.      In short, she’s a detached hypocrite and is well aware and unashamed of her hypocrisy while far less aware of her detachment. I’ll cover both:  Western culture as a whole seems to be under the impression that hypocrisy, despite context or importance, is automatically bad.  I don’t know where this comes from personally ( my bet is Christianity but I have exactly 0 evidence ) but its a very... flawed idea.  Take the freedom of speech vs racism problem; say you owned a bar where all could speak their mind freely over cold drinks.  Excellent concept without context, right?  Sure. ....Then a die hard racist covered in slurs and symbols walks in and orders- what are you going to do?  The correct answer is to throw him out instantly.  Not let him sit so long as he doesn’t cause trouble, not just ignore him and hope he doesn’t return, you throw him out.  Is it hypocritical?  Yep!  Sure is!  But it is also 100% necessary to protect your other patrons because if you don’t, the racist starts feeling safe and bringing his racist buddies, literally everyone else starts feeling unsafe and starts to hang out elsewhere, and two months later, ta da!  You now own a n*zi bar and there is literally nothing you can do about it. Jessica is in a somewhat similar situation.  You as a pretend bar owner need to make a decision as who to let into your bar and who to throw out for the good of all of your patrons.  Jessica too is faced daily with that decision.  If she want’s to help as many people as possible, the only realistic way she can do that are by protecting those under her leadership... only.  She is surrounded by hateful, angry, sneaky, traitorous, abusive, or otherwise evil people.  Piracy as a profession and poverty in general can do that to a person.  Of course there is a clear difference between those down on their luck and desperate, and the truly cruel and twisted, but unfortunately both types of people yield the same wrongdoings.  It’s absolutely her nature to extend a hand to anyone and everyone but.... she just can’t anymore.  Too many times has her trust been betrayed, too many times has she gotten in peoples business trying to be helpful, only for her to absolutely bite her in the ass.  Too many time the extended hand is bitten and once or twice, she’s actually made things worse.       Now, she will only help someone she loves, someone under her leadership, or someone who seeks her out.  That’s it.  And even then, sometime it manages to bite er in the ass.  But she had to set that hard limit for herself out of necessity, one she does her absolute best to adhere too and... these days she adheres a little too well. That leads us to our next point; what I was alluding to at the beginning of her Understanding essay when I said she has limited but deep running empathy.  That detachment again, courtesy of a very unattached mother and unchecked ADHD. ( It isn’t a strong enough characteristic to even rank as a strength or a weakness but damn if it isn’t an undercurrent to a lot of her motivations and experiences. ) Strangers are fair game that she tries to ignore, but if she even perceives you as a threat, you could be in danger. Like anyone used to violence or perhaps anyone trapped in an us verses them mindset, she can just... flat... turn her empathy off.  Not on command, she’s not a socio or psychopath persay.  But she has become totally numb to the horror of violence via her warrior upbringing that, in her mind, violence can actually be rather fun. Pair that with the fact that she purposely tailored herself to only be empathetic to her allies and boom.  You get a kindhearted killer.  Cops and soldiers in our world do it literally every day.  Actually anyone can do it really, even you if you tried. You don’t have to be evil or even angry to kill or steal or lie... you just have to believe you’re right.

Three Secrets:

     WHAT SECRETS?!  LMAO this bitch is the oversharing queen!! I’ve been typing and pondering her character for literal hours ( its currently 11:16, fuck you adderall ), and I still can not think of a single goddamn secret.  There is nothing about her that at least five random people don’t fucking know about!! The only secrets she has are secrets she knows about other people and even then she is!! literally the worst!! She spills her guts left and right and yet she wants to be a mysterious bitch SO BAD like BABE I love you, you’re precious, but you are a dumbass attention seeking validation chasing adhd CLOWN girl!! Stop telling random people about your hermaphroditism or your dairy allergy or your dead dad or that time you fell asleep in a barrel like that is literally your uber driver Jessica honey come ooooon. I’m skipping this section mom holy fuck.

Three Fears:

     What if she does wrong by everyone who trusts her?  As stated at the end of the ADHD essay, she’s terrified of failing those she leads.  Where it as simple as personal failure, she’d be fine.  Ever if her entire world came crashing down on top of her she’d either die or start back from square one.  Death is a fact of life and her adaptability means she can just dust herself off and move on, so neither her death nor her failures really scare her... But it isn’t just her life and happiness at stake, is it? Not anymore, right?  What started as a leader of a small gang of rebels became a full crew, then a crew became a slew of allies, then those allies built a town and now... now she’s the governor of the Crimson Isle and there are nearly twenty five HUNDRED lives at her mercy.   HER mercy.  One really, really bad mistake could ruin their livelihoods or spark disorder and disloyalty.  And if she died?  Would whoever it is that will take her place be as good to them as she is?  Is she good enough to begin with in the first place? Every day the paperwork gets a little bit thicker, every year there’s a new baby or two.  And the isle has fertile soil sure but will it last?  Are they prepared for a raid or a hurricane?  And if Jessica trusts the wrong people, where her people right to trust her?  ...can I protect them? Can I protect them?! CAN I PROTECT THEM?!

     Who am I if I’m not interesting?  This is, literally, an entirely subconscious fear.  She’s not at all aware it exists and therefor this entry is short. But between her short time with her very unimpressed mother, her own ADHD, she is constantly hungry for attention without even realizing it.  She must be interesting and intriguing and engaging, and I did mention she wants to also be mysterious.  She wants not so much your input or even your validation - but rather if shes not perceived then.... is she really there? Remember, she is unaware of any of this.  And fortunately she’d never been starved for attention to act out over it in the first place, even when her disinterested mother was alive. Look at her; she’s radiant, she’s beautiful, and she’s 6′4 / 195 cm shredded and covered in cool scars. Without even opening her mouth, without even her colorful clothes, she’s kind of automatically interesting.  So she’s never been so desperate for attention that she acts out because she’s never been without it for very long.  But it’s there. Hungry, aching, silent.  Those years after the M branding were horrible and she could never really explain why.  She still throws parties, organizes festivals, and talks to damn near anyone who will listen.  Look at my art!  Look at my library! Listen to how much I know! Let me tell you how lovely you are! Look at my scares! Look at my hair! Look at me haha, please, please look at me. 

     GHOSTS. NOPE. No. NO. Fuck ALL of that noise. Stay dead, go to hell, eat a dick.  Red Jessica is a scientist and superstitious atheist. As an academic and somewhat bi-cultural woman she simply thinks there are far too many religions with far too much history for any of them to be considered The One True Thing You Must Believe Or ElseTM and she tends to not truly believe anything until she finds some kind of proof.  Shes not afraid of the unknown, shes thrilled by it. She’s not afraid of death or the afterlife, that’s beyond her control. She’s only superstitious because she does believe in and value luck, and also its a bit of a cultural habit. BUT IF SOME SHIT STARTS MOVING ON ITS OWN OR IF SHE SEES SOME BULLSHIT IN THE CORNER OF HER EYE THEN SHE IS OUT OF THERE. OUTIE 5000. She has heard the tales of lost souls from purgatory or the eternally ravenous Pret or dangerous Phi Tai Hong or the tragic and startling Banshees or the creepy Santa Compana and she wouldn’t believe a word of it where it not for one thing.      SHE FUCKING SAW ONE. She’ll never forget it, it was the first and last time she EVER attempted to plunder a tomb all Skyrim style and at first she thought it was one of the crewmean being creepy as shit until she got a good look and he was SEE THROUGH AS SHIT AND SKINNY AS FCUK AND SHE GOT LITERALLY CHASED THE FUCK OUT OF THAT JOINT. She does not CARE that some ghosts are just apparitions she does not CARE that some are friendly and trying to warn her of something if you are MOVING and DEAD at the SAME time get FUCKED. If any of y’all cringe try-hards bring a Ouija board to the party you are getting SENT HOME and BLOCKED. NO CAP.

Three Goals:

   She really only has one left. Listen its... almost 1am and ive been typing since like 5pm i think i covered goals somewhere in here but ive gotta throw in the towel but even then I’m kinda being serious.  Her only remaining goal is to find a suitable heir of some kind.  She wants what she’s built to fall into worthey hands but she could never seem to find a good parter and even when she did she couldn’t sustain a pregnancy ( you’d think that would be a huge deal but it hardly mattered to her oddly ).  So at 50 the option of having kids is out but there’s still plenty of hope for either adoption or a protege.  But then again, she’s so busy these days that she hardly prioritizes it like she wants to.  

                                                                               holy shit i need some water...

[watchyourbluesturngolden]

my annotations for chappy 11 of ysijwa

this is just for drea and leyla to read so if you're not drea or leyla pls keep scrolling :)

ok this is pretty chaotic and like i said earlier i treated this ike a wattpad comment section so... have fun ig :)

SHERLOCK AND WATSON CINEMATIC UNIVERSE SHUT UPPPPP I LOVE YOU SM DREA

NOT MISS SNAP CRACKLE POP

jealous y/n you say???

now i know why you ignored all my tiktok asks lmao

HELPLESS OH MY GOD

truly madly deeply intended :)

damn he's kind of a narcissist yk? like "I have to be serious my entire family depends on it" shut up mr darcy you're not special

devout in his religion hmmmmmm hopefully we see some more religious trauma content bc me too vampy

awww he wants kids but now he cant have them bc hes... dead :(

AWWW his sister taught him to knit :( if he doesn't knit bloodbag a sweater i swear to god

stuffy moron is correct

"IT'S A FUCKING WONDER HE EVER GOT LAID" OIJRIOJWEIOJIEWOJFIOEJOF

"THE ATROCITY THAT IS BEING ACQUAINTED WITH NIALL AND HIS HORRIBLE AFFINITY FOR CHEAP FLANEL" ORJFOIJFEIOWJ YOURE SUCH A POET

he's so dumb she was with him bc he's hot that much should be obvious to him🙄

FOOLISHLY HOPELESSLY UNMEASURABLY IN LOVE HWAT THE FUCK DREA IM SAD

i love that he remembers the spinal cord dislocation and the dead leaves . like yea im dead rn but the leaves in my hair are really what's bothering me the most

what the fuck is a maw

ok i looked it up i get it now

"attachment is for gullible idiots" yup and youre one of them vampy 😌

"the warmest skin his icy fingers had ever had the good fortune to touch" im so soft rn

oh so now she has "a wholesome beauty about her nature" ? i thought she was just cute enough 🤨

HE THINKS HER SMILE COULD RESTART HIS HEART THATS SO CUTE IM OUHOIJFOEWIJFIOEWJ

"the responsibility of keeping her safe, satisfied, and happy" how 🥺 🥺🥺

"as long as he breathes" i thought he didn't breathe lmao BUT I GET THE SENTIMENT

"always when it comes to her" IM SCREAMING RN THIS IS SO SOFT I CANT

ill never forgive him for being so dense either his brain is basically a rock

HE WANTED TO COMMUNICATE THAT HE BELONGED TO HER IM GONNA HAVE A STROKE

couldnt be me i dont want to be percieved

HE ADDED A FUCKING BUTTERFLY AFTER THE DISCO BALLS IM OIWFJIOEWJFIOEJIOEWNOJIWJ(*H(WUIOFJIOEWJFIOWHVIFUEH)U)($UT

HEY a hamilton obsession is not childish😤

'the only person who was allowed to touch him there was y/n' he's like a little kid who's possessive omggggggg

oh this reminds me i rlly hope everything in that chest was new and had never been used on anyone else owijfowiejfioewj

oh please my irish king can control himself let y/n meet the other vamps🙄

"if they knew all along why did it take so long" yk im wondering the same thing dummy

"every day was a battle to earn her love and affection" wtffff how could she hurt him like that he is just a baby

i think he needs therapy tbh

yes he does deserve to be treated with respect and dignity😤

"supporting and tolerating them despite your differences" exactly unless they're a republican

IM SORRY THAT WAS MEAN OIWFJOIWJFEIOw i said what i said tho

they did everything backwards but it's what baby needed🥺

im literally gonna 🔪 bradley how dare he hurt my favorite ribeye like that

PROPER BOYFRIEND-GIRLFRIEND BONDING PLSSSSS im sure he makes sure to say stuff like "as your boyfriend' or 'since youre my girlfriend' all the time now

"everything that has to do with harry has always and will always make her feel safe and secure" ...who's gonna tell her👀

HE BECOMES CLINGY IVE BEEN WAITIN FOR THIS ONE TURN IT UP

awwww my love language is also quality times bestiesssssss

(this is more serious you might want to change the words to nose kisses or something because esk*mo is a slur)

HE wants to be wrapped in HER arms and get forehead kissies like a little baby🥺🥺

i can tell you wrote this chappy bc leyla would never write about ice cream

IF CHRIST CAN GET A DATE MARKER SO CAN HARRY OIFJOEIWJFIOEWJFWI PLSSSSSSSSSS I LOVE HIM

ALWAYS FOR HER WEJFIOJWEIOFJEWIOFJOIEWJFOIEWJF HES SO IN LOOOOOVE

HE DID IT AND IM SO PROUD OF HIM🥺

omg i have a thot imagine if she got a heart murmur or something and obvi he knows bc he can hear it so now he has to find a way to make her get it checked out out without being suspicious 😭

HE ROCKS HER TO CALM HER DOWN WHEN SHES HAVING NIGHTMARES IJFEOWIJFOIWEFJ

“nearly blinds himself for eternity” what a drama queen i love him

maybe learn how to turn your brightness down grandpa

“can women sense emotional distress” why is this so funny oiewfjwieojfioewj

DEHUMANIZING OWEIJOIAJAKLFSDJLKSDJFKLD

not a psychotic episode 😭😭

crippling mommy issues woejfkljdklsjsdf me too king

awwwww he made her a full buffet i would cry

matchy socks im gonna sob

king is a chef 😌

y/n’s head @ harry’s clavicle rn: 💥

“his plush chest” drea its ok you can say titties

“absolutely flawless”? are you sure shes not just cute enough 🤨

he got her oat milk 🥺the sign of true love

hes such a shithead i love him

SPELLING HIS NAM E ON HER TUMMY IM HAVING ANOTHER STROKE

“I DIDNT WANT TO LEAVE YOU ALL ALONE” HES SO WOIFJSJFSDKJKLSDJF

HE DIDNT HAVE TO DO NIALL LIKE THAT 😭😭

RAPUNZEL HAIR OSIDJSKJKLSJF

she traces a tiny heart on him wtfffffffffff im sad

this… is hot

“theres no room on the counter” owifjlksjfslkfjklsj

HE WOULD WALK THROUGH FIRE FOR HER maybe then he’d be a little less cold

im sorry that was wrong of me lisjfskldjfwoiejewiojrei

OH MY GOD OWEIJFKLJSKLFJL SHES SO BOLD “can’t i?” OSIJFKSLJLKJF

oh boy hes gonna kill her

I WONDERED WHEN THE YOURE HOT WHEN YOURE MEAN THING WAS GOING TO COME UP

literally shut the fuck up mr english major

do it bestie kick him in the balls

SPARE BOOBIES MAAM I CNAT BELIEVE YOU aCTUALLY WROTE THAT OWIFEJWIJEKLJFOIEWHOEWIFEHFLKEWJFKLEWJKLJFL

IM WHITE IM ALLERGIC TO SPICE WEJFLKJFKLEJFLKJSKLJKFSJD

“character development at its finest” what a self aware king

y/n stop being mean to him baby just wants to feel close ☹️

“I’m anemic” ok king whatever u say

“ME AND MY CHRONIC ILLNESS IM SENSITIVE” IJFKLSDJFKLJSDKLJ

ahhhhhhh it’s yoga time

“just ask your cervix” jlksdjflksdjflkdsjflk

“if only you knew” ☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️

yeah y/n isnt like those other girls 🤪 shes different 🤪

yes bestie objectify him

THERE IT IS MY FAVORITE LINE IN THIS ENTRIE BOOK

PERHAPS MY FAVORITE LINE IN ANY BOOK EVER

“He hasn't been this stiff since rigor mortis”

i think about this on a daily basis i truly do

grey shorts? what a slut

“call the lapd im pressing charges” me after walking up the stairs

OH SO THIS IS WHERE THE GREYS ANATOMY CHARACTERS FROM THE SPOILERS WITHOUT CONTEXT COME IN

him using his shirt as a towel im BARKING

“I wasnt jealous” yea ok 😃

AGAIN HIM DRAWING HIS INITIALS ON HER SKIN THATS SO WOIJFSKLDJFLSJ

yeah harold she just wanted a little kiss 😤

yeah 😃 its bc he ran track 😃

no bc thats so fucking cute that she pretended she had never seen the show before bc he was excited to introduce her to it 🥺

I would do the same tbh i feel like it would be fun to wash dishes with harry idk why

“that skank” oisjksldfjklsjfklsdjflkd

YOUR THICK SKULL COULD DAMAGE THE MARBLE LSKFJKLDSJKFLSDJFKLSJFKLSJKLSJLDKFJLSKDJF I WOULD CRY

he gets her a cup of water 🥺

ok but like wouldn't she want to wash her hair after it got all sweaty at yoga

awwwww she got his toothbrush ready for him why am i so soft rn

memory foam mattresses sound nice but actually they kind of suck bc you sink down and feel trapped in them 😃

HE WATCHED THE TIKTOK SHE SENT HIM IM HAVING A THIRD STROKE

niall is probably on the dumbest side of tiktok idek what side but it’s probably annoying and he thinks it’s hilarious

noooo baby youre not a monster🥺 someone give him a hug rn

well actually you are kind of a monster but its ok we still love u bestie

I too run on caffeine and pizza pockets 😌

TONSIL HOCKEY WHAT THE FUCK OIEJFLSDKJFKLSDJFLSJLKFJSDKLFJ

chatsnap hes such an old man 😭

true lmao if you dont have social media i immediately dont trust you

not the i just washed my hands tiktok 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

HE FEELS STRANGELY PERCIEVED RN KJFLSJFLKSDJ IDK WHY THIS IS SO FUNNY TO ME BUT IM LIKE LEGIT LAUGHING

DO IT BESTIE BITE HIM CHOMP CHOMP

“my eyes are stinging” hes such a baby 😭

“MY SIGH”TS ALL FUZZY” SJFKDSLJFLKDSJFLKDSJFLK

“are you all right” “I dont know :(’ i cant handle this my face hurts from smiling lksjflkjafklj

he has a kitchenaid stand mixer omg thats so sexy

ok but has anyone ever gotten salmonella from raw cookie dough bc i think thats just a myth

fuck u for that one vampy

wow he could never deal with my chronically ill ass

WAIT IS IT WAP

NOPE ITS BETTER LSDFJSDKLFJDS

I agree body is absolutely an instrumental masterpiece

I KNEW HE KNOWS SOME TIKTOK DANCES I KNEW IT

“I know youre kinda into that (getting smacked in the face)” SHUT UPPPPPPP SKJFSKDLJFDS

NOT HIM TWERKING SLKFJSDKLFJDSKLFJDSKL

YES YN GET THAT VIDEO AND BLACKMAIL HIM

“I think i popped something” ok old man 😭

why is the word wench so funny lkfjslkfjdslkfjsdlkfj

dont hand it over i want to see him snap

OH SHIT HE JUST JUMPED THE TABLE LSDFJSDKLFJLKDNMNXCMNJKHOIUIOEUR

oooooooooooo

OH MY GOD AGAIN SHE REALLY IS BOLD SLKDFJDSKLFJLSKDJFLKJFS

not guerrilla warfare 😭😭😭😭

do it bestie give him a concussion he deserves it

“no piece of art could ever compare to her” 🥺🥺

“remember that time you told me making out was childish” “no” i hate him 😭

THERE IT IS AGAIN “sex isnt the only way he can feel close to someone anymore” SHUT THE FUCK UP IM SOBBING

this reminds me of the dehydrated intercourse with demonrry

“don’t care, relationships are about sharing’ hes so sdjfksldjfklsjf

DO IT BESTIE KICK HIS KNEECAPS IN

suing disney for false advertisement 😭

THIS SCENE IS KILLING ME LKJFKLSJFLDSJ “just pucker your lips over it” “You have actual brain damage, dont you?” DREA I LOVE YOU KSDJFLDSKJFLKSDJ

how do those bubbles taste babe

ok drea wtf i was so happy and now this??????

“everything’s wrong” NO SHUT UP SHUT UP ITS HAPPY HOURS

not the boob privileges 😭

WAIT THIS IS FROM THE BSE MV ISNT IT “dance is just so hot rn” “depressing shades are just so hot rn”

NOT HIM GETTING ALL STUTTERY WHEN HE ASKS HER IF SHE WANTS A DRAWER 🥺

NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN THIS GENTLE WITH HIM BEFORE WTFFFFFFFF IM CRYING

“youre so fucking cute, my baby” me when i see literally any picture of him

JELLO HAS a STRONGER BACKBONE THAN THIS KSFJSDKLFJDSKLFJ

“betrayed. objectified. taken advantage of. used. “ i hate him sm 😭😭

OH MY GOD IS SHE GONNA SHAVE HIS FACE THATS SO CUTE IM

SHE ISsSSSSS IM SQUEALING

stop him worrying she’ll think it's weird and wont want to do it 🥺

“bold of you to assume id ever be convicted” PLS DREA LAKFJDKSLFJ

“the more you talk, the more appealing manslaughter sounds” I CHOKED DLSKFJDSKLFJDKSJFDSKLJ

HIM WHISTLING TO GET HER ATTENTION WHY IS THAT SO CUTE

Im sorry but its really funny to me how you wrote the sentence “wrong metal, he thinks ironically” … get it ? like IRONically lkfjdslkfj im sorry i’ll show myself out

“this boy?” what a fucking cutie i want to kick him

I forgot what a bop helpless is thanks for reminding me im gonna go listen to the entire soundtrack again-

theyre so fucking cute i hate them

so yea bascally this is the best thing ive ever read and i love you so much and my face hurts from smiling :)))

[gwasgy]

Okay. So. Here’s an elaborate multiple days of brainstorming ideas as they come PracticalMagicnatural AU nonsense. Thank you.

- Bobby and Rufus would be the Aunts and they'd be bffs not siblings and would have Vibes but it would be... hm. This is not a Bufus story is what I'm saying.

- the Curse would be on the men and for the women they love of course (classic fridging :/)

- this works for Bobby, (Rufus,) John, and Sam. (Supernatural is bad)

- so this is where it's kind of. Hm. Bc Sally and Gillian are not one to one for either boy. Where Sally and Gillian BOTH have identities separating family and magic (family business), these ideas are inseparable for the brothers.

- alsooo dean and sam to BE dean and sam they would've had to be "raised" by john until they were at least near-grown, even if they had a home base at Bobby's house.

- John still kills himself with grief MAYBE but it's like /later/ and more through self destruction and revenge and alcoholism, leaving the boys to live their later teenage/early twenties in the Bufus household

- Azazel is the one killing all the Wives in this curse. And if they use The Resurrection Spell to bring them back, he is possessing them

- hmmmmmmmmm they need to still be hunters I think buuut what if. They also did witchcraft.

- Dean would cast the love summoning spell, making it so that he uses angel descriptors unwittingly or on purpose because he doesnt think angels are real and therefore cannot exist for him to fall in love with and kill (bc the curse)

- it would be fun and very cringe fail embarrassing for Dean if sometimes he thought about His Angel and accidentally occasionally prayed to Cas

- Anna could show up and be Dean's red herring

- Dean could be in an About to Die situation and think, as a joke or whatever, "fuck. I never even got to meet that hot angel chick that's in love with me," and Cas shows up (with wings bc hot), saves him, *handprints*, then leaves

- OR. There's a blinding light and screeching noise and Dean blacks out and wakes up with a handprint safe and sound

- Cas and The Guy From Practical Magic That's A Cop both bend the rules of their superiors for their person easily and pliantly. except for the initial pushback. Hm.

----

- it's weird bc in practical magic there's this whole vibe of I'm Done With Magic And You're Dragging Me Back Into This And Ruining My Life but sammy had gone away and rejected The Life THEN found the woman he loves and THEN tried to resurrect her mayyybeeeee wait wait wait it wouldn’t be Jess bc she isn’t evilll...

- DEAN would be the one with a bad boyfriend that they accidentally kill and have to resurrect... hmmmmm

- maybe it's like a Boy Best Friend of dean's like maybe he is on a hunt with Benny and he accidentally chops his damn head off and tries to resurrect him to cover it up

- and that fucks up something in the afterlife and Cas is sent to Fix The Problem of whatever the fuck happened to this guy's soul when they did this

----

- it's wonderful to think of the PTA mom shenanigans Dean and Sam could get into but I don't think that Dean would have any sort of kid in this besides maybe jack?

- I mean, it could be that Ben is still around and he was with Lisa but never Loved Her on principal, and left in time so the curse didn't fuck her up, but they're still friends and he will still pick Ben up from school sometimes

- I don't see how the phone tree could work into it but I don't think that it's necessary bc sam and dean and cas's version of this story does not and can not revolve around them being outsiders in their own community but overcoming it and accepting who you are and integrating into the community through girl power and witch magic

- BUT. the potential of sammy being possessed is yeah. It’s extremely. Yeah.

- They could have a nice bonding moment of I'm never gonna leave you you can do this like from Swan Song. Like Sally joining Gilly in the broom circle to help her while she’s being exorcised

- their brotherly bond is NOTHING like Sally and Gillian's, though. Like YES. they would no doubt help bury the body, but they aren't giggling about their love life under the covers together. They simply are not that type of girl

- also I guess there wouldn't be the tension of You're Ruining My Life That I've Constructed Just By Being Here between them.

- WELL.

- Dean WOULD say something shitty about cleaning up Sam's messes though. He is just that type of guy

----

- Dean can definitely be the one chopping and hacking at the rose bush and cas would DEFINITELY get distracted and heal him in the middle of his conversation with him

- Dean oh dean he and his close Boy Best Friends could totally fuck with the curse. Like-

- Dean: Oh my good friend Benny he’s the first person ive really allowed myself to get attatched to in a while but that’s fine! he can't die because i don't love or like him like that because he's a guy! Haha, I'm not gay! We are just guys being dudes just two bros hanging out :)

Benny: *dies anyway*

Dean: FUCK

- Sammy would totally make that new age witchy herbal shop that Sally had! that would be so fun. Also ft. periphery what the fuck is up with those people type locals

- maybe Rowena shows up still and Crowley is also there hmmmmm and Rowena teaches Sam magic stuff and it gets him to make the supernatural a part of his life again without having to do any hunting hmmmmmmm or it's just another tool in his arsenal and he just always deserves to have magic powers

- the supernatural ladies could work in the shop :) like Meg and Rowena and Ruby anndddd Alya :) Ava? The psychic hunger games MVP girl

- or all the kids work at that shop!! I miss those dang kids. Max, the twins, death lesbian, Jake, electric guy, and all them :)

- Rowena is like a witchy shop owner up in town that buys Sam's wares to sell in the city #CareerWoman #GirlBoss

- Jody and Donna can also hang out I guess. Since we're at Bobby's place

----

- Dean casts the love summoning spell after either Regular Heartbreak with Cassie, his first love, when he was 15 or whatever, OR after the behated Boy Best Friend death. Hmmmmmm

- it makes more sense for the story for dean to have someone die on him and apply to the curse. But I don't wanna kill Benny ):

- well I don't think he was ever In Love with Crowley or Benny like he was with Cassie (or even Lisa)

- when he was 15 or 14 and John was still around but had left him at the Bufus household he got hold of that love summoning spell and made sure it was impossible so he would never experience heartache again. He does so while crying teenagishly and 11 year old sam is like. Why the fuck are you summoning this weird monster girl to fall in love with you

- and Dean is like no no this kind of monster doesn't exist. Anyway they'd have glowing blue eyes and they're as big as a building and and they hear me whenever I call no matter far away

- Sam: that...... sounds like an angel, dean.

Dean, having already done the spell: WHAT. NO. NO IT'S NOT IT IS SO NOT LIKE AN ANGEL. ANGELS AREN'T REAL

- Cas in Heaven, a bunch of flower petals swirling around him: what the fuck is that. That's weird

- Cas like 13 years later when he sees a cajun zombie vampire demon: okay I'm already getting weird prayers from some guy down there I'm just gonna check that out

- by the time Cas gets down there they've killed it again and buried it and hmm

- It's weird because it's the opposite of Practical Magic here bc Cas is the one that needs to be believed about something supernatural BY dean

----

- what if they accidentally kill JOHN instead of a hot bf. Dean kills John bc John tries to kill Sam, and they panickedly try to resurrect him immediately

- yeah yeah yeah yeah and John, possessed by Azazel, gets killed again while still being possessed and is buried underground. There can still be a rose bush and frogs and whatnot

- I doon't know why Bobby and Rufus would just leave the brothers in their house if John was alive until then?

- Alright John's been missing for like 5 years and the boys have just been living there and assumed he's dead. Then he comes for Sammy bc Sam is Turning Evil or whatever and John's a huge loser about it

- so Bufus is like "you guys are acting insane and you aren't telling us what's wrong so we’re just going to leave and you're going to sort it out yourself." Like the aunts

- then, when cas shows up to track down the weird resurrected demon-possessed serial killer abomination Dean and Cas are EMBARRASSING like completely totally absolutely embarrassing cringe fail love where they can't talk normal with eachother and Cas keeps getting too close and staring but Dean forgets to tell him to back off or anything and he just stammers uselessly through thin dumb lies

- there aren't any children there to comically thwart Sam's plans to get rid of Castiel as he is investigating Dean and Sam but it could end similarly

- where Cas finds Sam making a small angel banishing symbol and is like "okay. You guys aren't to be trusted and you're doing something evil (and i don't understand what’s happening to me when i’m around Dean). I'm just straight up going to leave then" and boom he's gone

- the fight Sally and Gillian have right before Gillian gets possessed can play out pretty damn similarly with Sam and Dean, but it's a LOT different too

- like it's their DAD not some random serial killer bf. You can't choose your dingdang dad! So the part of "I cant keep cleaning up your messes" WHOSE MESSES who even says that to who whose mess could this even be

----

- Sam has a girlfriend that dies from the curse and it’s bc of being caught in the crossfire when Hunter Bullshit Happens. The Women of the Winchesters’ way. So he moves back specifically to get back into hunting and witchcraft to BREAK the curse hmmmmm.

- Much like Sally with Michael’s death. “I don't care what he comes back as. As long he comes back. Please do this for me. Please? Please? Please? Please?” :(

- I think Dean is an Of Course I’m Not Going To Fall In Love kinda character, like younger Sally before Michael. very pessimistic very self depreciating. He only confides his deepest darkest desires (to be loved simply and openly without fear of the Curse taking anyone. To be held and to take care of someone who will appreciate it) in his fakey fake pretend prayers to his imaginary angel (this turns out to be very cringe fail embarrassing when Cas shows up)

- Cas holds onto these prayers like Hallet (the cop from movie) does with Sally’s letter to Gillian, not knowing or understanding why he’s so fixated on them and why he can’t stop reading them/playing them back/listening in

- John… maybe he was pulling a Gordon and was killing all the psychic kids and was eventually going to have to kill Sam, and Cas was for some reason Put On The Case as an angel or was Allowed to Interfere or whatever bc it was fudging up God’s Plan

- and that’s how Cas justified being so fixated and taking notes on Dean’s prayers, like Hallet did with the letter. It was a good lead. It was about their father, and Sam seemed to be having psychic tendencies or whatever that could turn dangerous

----

- Okay okayokayokay so Sally and Gillian’s story is them escaping the ostracization they feel from the people in their physical regional community. The Owen’s family has always been outsiders, even before the curse came into being. They are persecuted for being witches (and sleeping around and being sexy).

- the sisters try to escape this either by just LEAVING: going to a place they can be themself without shame, or assimilating and abandoning a part of themself so that they can stay.

- the Winchester brothers are, I guess, ostracized by the hunting community because they are kept away from it and moved around a lot in the show. Okay okay okay okay okaywaitwaitwait

- Okay so the Winchesters feel alienated from both civilians and the hunting community, and they both eventually choose to do similar things to Sally and Gilly..! Sam LEAVES and assimilates, while Dean stays and just accepts his role his father gave him.

- Gilly and Sam LEAVE, while Dean and Sally STAY. Gillian and Dean embrace what makes them Different, while Sally and Sam reject it in favor of Being Normal

- The witchcraft/hunting thing especially doesn’t mesh well here though because Hunting is KILLING it’s literally murdering sentient beings. It’s war propaganda it’s desensitizing you to Even Though The Enemy Is Capable Of Good Individually They Are, As A Group, Evil And Should Be Slaughtered.

- Witchcraft in Practical Magic is just… a way of life that’s considered outside the accepted norms of society. It’s being openly queer, it’s being from a different country of origin, it’s being non-christian religious in a small town. Accepting witchcraft doesn’t have any moral good or badness, it’s just with or without the consequences of being “out” in your area. While accepting Hunting as a lifestyle is to accept putting yourself in bodily danger doing morally ambiguous/BAD things to protect people you can’t relate to or find a community in. Hmmmmmmmmmm

----

- Sam and Sally both have natural talents/instincts but don't want to use it in favor of being "normal"

-

[thevalleyoftriumph]

someone asked Duckie this but I personally would like a second opinion from someone whos equally into the fandom as they are. Is ponythe-ytgem a bad person?

im gonna answer this similarly to duckie [also duckie if u see this hi bro hope ur havin a nice day] and also under a cut cos i can ramble a lot

while the term “bad person” is a suggective term that can have very different meanings depending on who you ask, im just going to assume you mean “just a generaly dislikable person for any reason in particular” as most often do

tl:dr, i dont think shes a bad person, per say, and am cutting her a lot of slack due to being young, but i do think she should express her opinions differently and should also get new friends because wow that crowd is so toxic i need a hazmat suit to get close to it.

ok onto the longer portion.

hold on im cold lemme get a blanket

ok there we go back on topic

i dont really know much abt her aside from what i saw from an incident a while back, plus some other things i saw floating around my dash via word of mouth and some longass game of telephone with my own occasional check at her blog. her most major thing seems to have been some encounter with kiingcorrobo [i genuinely cant remember how the blog is spelled so im sorry :pensive:] and her thing abt seamoon. lets talk about seamoon first, then well talk abt the other stuff.

anyway while im personally a little more biased to dislike her [she did apologize for what she did however so ill try not to let this cloud my judgement overall] and because shes a minor like i am [and if i remember correctly around my age? maybe older but im unsure and i dont feel like goin to her blog rn] im not going to be as harsh as i usually would be when dealing with just some random person on the internet whos an adult. because children wouldnt know better either way.

anyway i do personally believe that her opinions abt seamoon are valid but she could possibly go a better way about it.

her whole issue with seamoon is. fine. i get it, you dislike a ship due to personal reasons, you dont owe anyone an explanation aside from “i just dont like it” and as long as youre not a dick over it, i dont see the issue.

i do think she could go about it differently [she once said there was no proof? i think? dont quote me on that my memory is bad] and that it could just be “ohh a best friend stare” despite how heavily its hinted at [i remember that one a lot better cos it got me a little miffed ngl] and like. ok. fine. just acknowledge that its very strongly hinted at and then go on your way, you dont need to insist its not real.

HOWEVER. 

i have repeatedly seen people get angry and violent with her over this. yes, she definately could have gone about expressing her opinions better. yes, she shouldnt disreguard any sort of wlw rep or coding because she doesnt like it for whatever reason. ill admit that much.

but that does not, ever, at all, make it okay for people to have treated her, a CHILD, presumably, the way they have.

people are entitled to their own opinions as long as it isnt harming anyone! and if someones opinions seem a little off, you dont immediately attack them, especially if theyre someone thats young and probably dont know the full extent of what theyre thinking. you tell them what theyre doing and why its wrong or just iffy in general, and help them grow from that. we are human, humans naturally grow to better themselves when given the chance, and if theyre never given a chance to grow from the past, then they cant ever grow up. if you want her to grow up, then give her a fucking chance. 

now. lets talk abt the kiingcorobo thing.

from what i know; someone told kiingcorobo that she supported whitewashing and was homophobic, i believe.

now, im not a person of color so i am not really inclined to talk abt whitewashing, all i can say is that its terrible and fuck anyone who does it, like honestly if you whitewash u have. no rights.

so i cant talk abt this topic much aside from; whitewashing is terrible, dont do it, but i personally have no idea when she [pony] mentioned it at all and honestly im not too willing to go searching thru her blog fo hm. actually no im pretty hung up on this brb

ok no she hasnt mentioned it as far as i can tell. so im unsure on those claims and im more inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt, being a minor and all, and while minors are not autmoatically excused from doin bad shit that just means they still have a chance to better grow from that, so. yea.

anyway onto the topic im actually able to talk abt. the homophobic comment.

lgbt people can be homophobic! wow! doesnt matter if its internalized or youre just genuinely an asshole, lgbt ppl can in fact be homophobic. bi/pan ppl, gay ppl, trans ppl, no one group of the community is completely pure from that. thats just a fact.

however, due to the issues shes had in the past with the seamoon thing, i do think ppl are just taking that as her one defining personality trait. theyre probably seeing that n twisting it wayyy outta proportion.

thats my general thoughts on her and wow this is way longer than i had originally hoped and this reads more as an analysis of her as a person rather than my general thoughts but. eh what can you do.

oh but i do think she could get better friends lmao, shes in such a toxic crowd and for someone so young i feel genuinely so bad for her. 

[missjackil]

Miss Jacki’s Top 30 Favorite Episodes

#12

The Raid 12x14

I love this episode for so many reasons! I feel like this was the main introduction of Leader!Sam. Its not the first time that Sam has been a leader, but this is the first time it was focused on. Ill get to that more in a minute, because I want to talk about something else first.

In the beginning, we have a continuation of an argument that Sam and Dean are having with Mary, from the episode before. Family Feud. She has just admitted to them that she has been working with the BMOL and Sam and Dean are less than happy about it. For obvious and totally justifiable reasons, Sam and Dean dont trust them, and theyre visibly hurt that Mom went to work for them. Dean really lays into her. 

Dean and Mary argue back and forth. How dare she chose to work with the Brits after what they did to Sam? Because theyre doing good work and killing monster, and why cant she act like a mom? Because shes more than just a mom and they are not children. So, Dean dramatically calls her Mary, and tells her “there’s the door” and leaves. Now, Sam, who is always the peace maker, always the more understanding of the two, surely, she can talk to him...but, like Ive said before, Sam is a man of few words, but those words always pack a meaniful punch. He tells her “You should go”. This is like Dean rabbit punching her till she’s worn down, and Sam landing the final right hook to finish her off. If Sam Winchester tells you to leave, you done fucked up. If Sam Winchester tells his own mother to leave? You may as well stuff yourself into a canon and light the fuse.  However, a few days pass. and Mary is blowing up their phones via text. Sam has had time to cool down, Dean has not. Sam thinks they should hear mom out, Dean is just done. He tells Sam the peacemaker schtick is getting old, “For once, why dont you pick a side?” Which, in Dean-ease means “Why dont you pick MY side?” And thats fair really, in this situation, the bros should be on the same page, but really... that doesnt happen often (draaamaaaa). This reminds us that even though Sam and Dean are different sides of the same coin, those sides are very different. They both hold grudges when someone hurts them, but if youre a friend or family member, Sam will calm down after a bit and hear you out. Dean hurts worse if youre a friend or family member and wronged him/them.

Dean goes out to drink, and Sam decides to go see Mom and get her side. He gets a tour of the satalite base for the BMOL and he’s not terribly impressed until he learns theyve nearly rid the Mid West Region of vamps. Now they have his attention. 

Its not long before the base is attacked by vamps, and no one knows what to do. Sam just slips right into leader mode! Sam is a different kind of leader than Dean is. Sam can lead large groups, and Dean is better at the small ones. Dean uses the strength of the individuals, and Sam uses the strengths of the group. At another time Ill go into more depth about that, but right now Im just going to talk about this episode. 

Already Sam learns that they are fed inaccurate information. The Alpha Vamp is not in Moracco like they think, because Sam met him in Hoople ND. Sam is getting a migraine. How can these people be so smart and so stupid at the same time? Anyway, Sam wants all the weapons gathered, and they dont have much. Mary tells Mick to go get “it” and “it” just so happens to be The Colt. When Sam sees this, he gets visibly emotional. This scene is wonderful acting by Jared. A perfect example of how fantastic he is at saying 1000 words with just his face. 

In only a few seconds time, we see him run through all the ways this gun was involved with his family. From their hunt with Dad for it, his own act of shooting Dad in the leg when he was posessed, Dean killing Azazel after Sam was brought back to life, Jake using it to open the gate to Hell, Sam shooting Dean’s crossroads demon, and Dean shooting Lucifer. Even going back to see Samuel Colt. I could see all these memories flooding back on him. He asks Mary where she got it... she says “I stole it... from Ramiel” and Sam nearly breaks into tears. 

However, he collects himself, swallows it down... again... because he has a job to do. From MEMORY Sam recalls the spell used to make the bullets powerful enough to kill anything, and this is accomplished just in time for the Alpha to show up and start killing people. The Alpha Vamp is by far my favorite bad guy! Sucks hes gone now :P 

Sam has The Colt and threatens the Alpha, but is the gun loaded? We didnt see him load it? So Sam starts bargaining with him, and I really believed him. I really believed he was gonna ditch these morons and take his Mom and go. Go back to the fair fight, and hand Mick over to the Alpha. Little did we know that Sam managed to communicate to Mick to get a bullet to him, and they worked it out during a scuffle. 

Sam and the Alpha have a little battle of wits, and the Alpha realizes Sam manage to get the gun loaded when he wasnt looking. “Clever clever boy” and Sam cocks the Colt. The effects and direction are so good here. Sam’s long slender finger wrapping around the trigger, steady hand as he fires, and the slow motion drama of  going through the Alpha’s head, so clean we can see through the hole was AMAZING!! BRAVO!! We end the episode with Sam and Dean meeting up again. And this is what I want y’all to go back and see. Sam asks Dean why he came out there, “You dont care about these guys, and you didnt even know I was here” and Dean looks at Mom... Sam looks a little salty when he realizes Dean came out to help Mom “Right... of course” I think this is that quiet, but not entirely hidden, jealousy that Sam has that Dean might love someone thats not him.  *wink wink*  So Sam tells Mick he’s on board and just give him some time with Dean. I dont like that Sam didnt tell Dean right away, because honestly, they can talk each other into anything, and dont need to be sneaky, but fortunately, it was resolved in the next episode.  So there ya have it, coming in at #12, another under appreciated gem from S12.

[yeetyeet2121yeet]

All. Of. Them.

Oh god who are you? It's 1:30am! I'll do 100 questions for you, Anon1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?•The Curse of Curves - Cute is What We Aim For•Bang Bang - Green Day•Revolution Radio - Green Day• Family - Mother Mother• Summer Dress - July Talk• If U Seek Amy - Britney Spears2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?Probably Dan/Phil3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.'I am constantly torn between killing myself and killing everyone around me'-page 22 of Will Grayson Will Grayson bc page 21 only had 16 lines4: What do you think about most?How people see me 5: What does your latest text message from someone else say? Gn - the wise words of Ryley6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?Depends lol7: What’s your strangest talent?well, for being 14 I can talk people out of suicide pretty well8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)GIRLS LOVE GIRLS AND BOYSBoys can wear makeup too9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?yeah, multiple times, both songs and poems10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?like, a week ago11: Do you have any strange phobias?I bloody hate having my window exposed at night 12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?yeah13: What’s your religion?I'm not religious 14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?probably making flower crowns15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?It depends16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?OH GOD NO I CAN'T17: What was the last lie you told?I told someone I was okay18: Do you believe in karma?sort of19: What does your URL mean?It's my preferred name and the year I was born20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?I think my forgiveness is both21: Who is your celebrity crush?hmmm,,,,, I don't really have one22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?yeah23: How do you vent your anger?I text a friend and rant 24: Do you have a collection of anything?yes25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?Video chats26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?Well, the real me, yes. The me I present at home and school, no. 27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?My mother's voiceMy friends' voices28: What’s your biggest “what if”?What if everyone is just pretending to like me?29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?I'm not sure about ghosts, but aliens have to exist. 30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.R- A wallL- my bookshelf31: Smell the air. What do you smell?Me. I smell me. I smell my room. 32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?Home. 33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?West because British Columbia 34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?OHGOD I CANT35: To you, what is the meaning of life?To be true to yourself36: Define Art.Anything you create37: Do you believe in luck?Yes38: What’s the weather like right now?Dark af, but mosty cool39: What time is it?1:36am40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?nah and nah 41: What was the last book you read?Carrie • Stephen King 42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?HELL YEAH43: Do you have any nicknames?Yep! Annie, Bean Stalk, Ann, Jo, Twinkie Jo, Daddy (my guy friends are wierd shush), Master (once again, my guy friends hate me) and Hoe44: What was the last film you saw?Rocky Horror Picture Show 45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?Well, I had a soft palate cleft as a baby, but it wasn't as bad as the stuff you see on TV. Mine was just in the roof of my mouth46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?Yeppo47: Do you have any obsessions right now?nah48: What’s your sexual orientation?I don't label that. I like who I like when I like them.49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?oh hell yeah50: Do you believe in magic?Yes51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?For a week or 2, then I get over it52: What is your astrological sign?Libra 53: Do you save money or spend it?Save54: What’s the last thing you purchased?Three Days Grace • Three Days Grace (CD)55: Love or lust?Love56: In a relationship?Nope57: How many relationships have you had?One, and he was a douche58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?nah59: Where were you yesterday?In my room. 60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?nope61: Are you wearing socks right now?its 1:43 am hell no62: What’s your favourite animal?cat63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?Listen to them. Pay attention to them64: Where is your best friend?Calgary or like, some hard to spell state ( @unbuttered-toast help) 65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.@unbuttered-toast@nocturnal-spleen@dennys@psych2go@accio-shitpost66: What is your heritage?Uhm, like Ukrainian, Irish, English, round them parts67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?Talking to Roan68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?McBitch69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?..yeah..70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?yes, ofc71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?SAVE THE PUPPO 72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?a) yea ofcb) I'd be 100% mec) maybe. I don't know73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.Love, bc trust is a part of love 74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?The Danny Phantom theme. Shut up. 75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?451476: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?TRuST and COMMuNICATION77: How can I win your heart?Be a decent human, ffs. 78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?Maybe. 79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?Reaching out to people on here, bc ive made so many friends 80: What size shoes do you wear?Like, 5?81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?You got what you wanted. Don't you dare cry now. 82: What is your favourite word?Trust83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.Love84: What is a saying you say a lot?SUck My ASs85: What’s the last song you listened to?The Curse of Curves • Cute is What We Aim For 86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?Black, purple, silver, gold87: What is your current desktop picture?Literally its just black. Nothing else. Just black. 88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?Matt/Jaxon89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?Who I really am, but only around my school peeps and relatives90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?Fucking kill myself before they can91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?Mind reading92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?That half hour at camp where we were all watching Up, and Roan and I were cuddling, Ty had my hand, and Lily was lying on my legs. That was a good half hour. 93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?All the bad things that happen at home94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?No one, they're all WAY older than me 95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?America to see my friends 96: Do you have any relatives in jail?Probably, its my fucking relatives97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?Yep98: Ever been on a plane?Nope99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?FOR FUCKS SAKE LOVE EACH OTHER

[jukaizek]

TL;DR just found out about my neptune actually being in the 1st house instead of the 12th (kinda still a noob with this natal shit so i probably dk what im talking about😂)

//sorry for long post dump but idk how tf to cut this shit short in mobile and already ran out of pages in my journal ages ago so yay for public rambling. barely got any sleep so already forgot 90% of what i said-- can you spell regret//

for the longest time i was attached to the idea of having it in the 12th house because i wanted it to make sense. and its kinda ironic cause the more i read about the qualities of a 1st house neptunian, the more i realized why i even wanted my illusion to be part of my identity so badly-- i had no "real" identity to cling on to. just constantly lost. lost to who i really am as person. so much so that i unconsciously started chasing whatever image everyone else has been trying to project onto me. tried to be the ideal person they wanted to me to be, or thought i was. it was pretty easy since apparently 1st house nepts are impressionable and tend to absorb emotional tones of their surroundings. even their tastes and views get warped into the people they surrounded themselves the most with.

when i look at my chart and see the number, read about it countless of times, i didnt get any of my answers. i thought lucid dreaming 24/7 and having vivid dreams in general checked it off as accurate but i never really understood the rest of the stuff the descriptions had as well. i was unsure about all the "spiritual" bs and "being so out of touch with reality cause ive transcended this plane of existence" just never stuck to me. they never sounded right, as much as i wanted to have all of those qualities. i started having dreams where i feel like i was being warned about something to come-- and the dreams about my brother's accident was the final push that tipped me further into believing the "psychic" shit of that placement lmao. still, i wanna believe some part of that applies.

im trying to figure out how tf this confusion even happened in the first place. i used a bunch of birth chart calculators and half would say 1st house while the other the 12th. and the latter just happened to be the first version i recorded when i started out delving deeper into my natal chart.

now ive got mixed feelings about it. bummed cause ive spent so much time taking that shit too seriously that ive idealized the placement too much-- relying on it to manifest itself perfectly somehow instead of figuring it out internally. but happy that i learned more. and should probably stop doing the rest to my other placements from here on.

a lot of things make more sense to me now. like how both my saturn in 3rd and jupiter in 3rd gives me deep-rooted issues when it comes to communication/expressing my thoughts fluently. i was always so frustrated at how i couldnt get the exact shit i had on my mind out. insecure and jealous of other piscean mercury natives cause i couldnt apply the same placement in my chart as well as i thought i should have been able to. my lack of confidence turning a conversation i shouldve been naturally so passionate about to laconic ass interactions. its just so unnecessary. like why am i even fucking anxious about butchering my own self expression in the first place. coming out so off base that others would get the wrong idea? or maybe worse case, id offend people when i didnt mean to. so afraid of how it will come out that i cant even form a cohesive sentence in person. probably why it's so easy for neptune in the 1st people to be molded into other people's ideal personas in the first place. it feels safer to just submit-- driving my scorpio mars INSANE cause it just gives people the impression that "not having opinions" = idgaf about how they treat me. which is why im thankful for my aries sun (also in the 3rd--100%talkative child in a nut)to at least make up for that pussy mentality and just punch myself inside into submission until i forget my fears and just wallow in regret later 😂. gotta love that ego-seesaw stg

also explains why i seem to attract different types people like magnets for only so long until they finally realize how far off their first impression of me really was. or they're just straight up as confused as i am lmao. aqua dom/ uranus in the 1st / venus gemini doesnt help either cause of course my fickle ass cant resist switching shells and faces real quick or else i die out of boredom.

and neptune isnt even a major planet so idk why im getting so worked up about anything😂

anyways, gonna go back to reading about it some more cause i still cant believe my lazy ass somehow didnt figure to check it out more closely even when i first started having doubts about that placement years ago.

[gayspock]

dont rb, dont rply

dont know man. broken ass record. i jsut wish i wasnt alive. i just wish i never existed. and it  just feels like it gets worse  and worse and worse every day..... i odnt know . i just..... i dont want to try any more when its so worthless man. i just  dont fuckin want to and i cant do it any more, yknow... like i cant keep just.. i just cant . keep doin it.  im so tired and m so fucking sick of it all im sick of how much energy i need just to muster up to do basic tasks and even THOSE i screw them up somehow and i jsut fucking keep crying all the time, because thats the only thing i can do, and im not. im not even being fucking hyperbolic half the food in my fridge is mouldy bc i cant eat  and im weeks behind on everything and im gross and i feel sick and im tir ed and i dont . want. to do it. i dont want tokeep fucking bothering when its always jsut so worthless and ... i dont even want it man. like i dont even want to be alive. i dont want to live. its just not worth it like. even if i did accomplish something it just . . i dont fuckng care any more man it hurts too much and im too tired. why ould i want to man. why would i want to work so hard just so i can what? what is there? when everything jsut . feels like... i dont know man . i feel r eally alone. again . i dont know whats fucking wrong with me. i dont know why im just . so fucking insufferable half the time or why i cant just... do one thing right  i odnt fucking understand it and im so so tired and its just like. like why is it jsut everything all of the time. and people say not to say tht shit abt urself but i just- what else can you even say when there’s fucking nothing there, like . why .  why am i just genuinely such a fucking waste of space like i just. i fucking hate myself so much i jsut. i cant stand it any more i cant stand how fucking useless i am and i kinda get it like i just. i cant fucking stand it any more  an d part of me gets it there- i get why . nobody else can either - and i just really wanna... like kkill myself half the timenot even just to end fucking existing but. jut to fucking . rip myself apart in some fucking way  like thats half the fucking fantasy there and i dont knowman. i m being fuckin . whatever but i dont know i dont care i cant keep doing it and i dont know why i keep . tryhing to be alive when it just. its just so useless man and  i dont kno w i feel so sick i wish i could hug someone and i wish i wasnt alone but i cant because just... i dont know .  im sick of how ive spent my whole life crying and wishing tht. i feel so stupid like that intensive visit last week did nothing at all man like it did fuckin nothin but make it worse and just solidify that “yeah theres no other options for you” . they asked me do you have anyone to go to do you have anything to calm you down and i dont i wish i did if i did i wouldnt be here god damn it and its jsut so ... pointless its just so fucking pointless and gaain its just. i dont know. maybe if this was a bad spell in my life but i jsut. im so fucking tired. im sof ucking tired of being alive because its just... i dont know. i dont think a single second has meant anything. i dont think its been worthwhile and its alwyays just been... a fucking string of events, a fucking string of periods of just being told it would get better soon and . at first you believe it as a kid and get lost in the fantasy but then it just...becomes abjectly apparent..... that its just.. i dont know. i move from place to place and i try different things and i try to be different people and i try to be myself or i try anything and everything the most i can msuter but regardless i t just doesnt... it just never is worth it and it jsut feels like im always just alone and sad and existing on the fringes of communities that actually love each other but . jsut feeling iced out half the time and its again and again and again . and it just feels so pathetic crying abt the same shit i did when i was 15, when i was 10, when i was 5,  but it jsut... keeps happening over . and its getting harder and harder to try and talk to ppl as the years go on like i jst. fucking hardly can any more . just because of how rotted out i fucking feel . and so it feeds itself and it keeps happening overand over and nothing BUT that happens and the same jsut happens with the failures, and  feeling unsafe but for different reasons all of those times, and it never... gets to any place thats better, even marginally so, and its never getting to a place where any of this has been worthwhile. nothing could really be worth all ofthis stupid shit.and im just so ti red and i dont want anything out of being alive any more i dont fucking care any more  im so. sick and everything just feels so... and like its like. again with the coping strategdies i had an appointment agan today  and its just like.. the only way to manage it just . he just said time for me because i know ntohing else works because ive tried so many times but. time doesnt work either. it jsut doesnt feel like i can get over anything or heal from anything ever. it just feels like i have to wait everything out and im still miserable about it all but just... nothing ever goes right. nothin g is ever there. i cant move past it when im still just so stuck and its jsut. these stupid fucking breakdowns that keep happening, and they happen in peaks and troughs, but like. they keep happening and happening happening and theres no... theres nothing there jsut. nothing ever comes abt it and im jsut. so done man. im so done man when its not even worth it and i know like... i jsut. i dont know. i want to die and ive like long since accepted that i will kill myself but also just fucking.... ggod man. i feel so fucking stupid . i dont . i dont know i just feel so stupid fucking having lived this long and i really do jsut hate myself for letting it get to this point when i always KNEW better , i always just. knew it in the back of my head bu t i jsut... i wish it wasnt for nothing and  i just wish all this sadness meant something, that it meant something that i trie d but i just. i know it wont ever and i just. i dont know. im going to die and my parents will end up with my body and they wont even bury me under a name i like and they will fucking parade me round like they gave a shit and my flatmates will be confused and nobody else even knows i fucking exist irl and then i dont know. at least i get to disappear . i think its jsut... the pain at this point thats scaring em and i dont want to fail again, not at that, and i keep doing it i keep trying very hard to make a foolproof plan but i jsut.... cant believe in myself and im scared  that im going to cock it up like i cock it all up like. chrst man you know

[the-long-lost-ebony-blog]

my suicide attempt from kinphobia -- really really long post!!

TW FOR SUICIDE, SUICIDE ATTEMPT, HOSPITAL, FRIEND BETRAYAL, DOCTORS, ABUSE, KINPHOBIA, ANXIETY, SELF HARM , PEDOPHILE MENTION, and MAYBE DOXXING!!! 

well um. remember a while back when i was all super worried about a girl in chem class almost finding out i'm kin? yeah. it happened. it happened like a month ago. so i actually started being friends with her after she'd obvs had a bad day, like she was just sitting in the hall and i felt sorry for her bc she'd been crying. i started talking to her and asked if she was okay, now at that point she had no idea that i might be kin. i hid it really well! until!! she said that kin itself is a mental illness. and i couldn't help myself. i fuckin went off on her. kin isn't a mental illness, not all kin are mentally ill, etc etc. she just froze up and had this look of absolute disgust on her face. i tried to backpedal and say that she was just using the words wrong, and she was insulting mentally ill ppl but noo, she caught on. 

i just sorta made an excuse and left but it turns out that later on, she'd gone onto my facebook which i don't put on here for reasons like this lol. she dug through my timeline and a bunc of old photos and found like... a kin positive graphic from 2009 or something. it was a thing saying that i was "kin and proud" or whatever. (back then i thought i might be therian or otherkin. not fictionkin.)) 

now, i am in college but for summers i go home to live with my parents. that's where i am now. so here's where it gets worse. tw for stuff above. she went onto their facebook pages and got their emails. and she sent them both email as "a concerned friend". she told them that she was friends with me from class, and that i'd been acting weird lately -- like, not myself, low self esteem, spent all my time talking to strange people on tumblr, took 'a certain satire writing' (my source!! ugh) too seriously, and was really disconnected from reality. 

okay so the deal with my parents: they really are supportive of gender stuff (even though i'm a cis girl and was cis in canon) and different sexualities, and disabilities. they are also anti trump and want free health care and wish we did not start shit with russia. like they are not bad people. but in the past , i'd started to ask them for advice on if i was kin.  i had to explain what kin was. and they were p much horrified that this exists. they think that it "locks people into fiction and imagined reality" and "stunts their phsyclogical (not sure how to spell) development" and "teaches suffering kids to use escapism instead of therapy or self help". basically they are super ableist when it comes to kin. and they think it's ridiculous that it's actual community. stupid me, i'd literally said (before they said all that) that "i think i'm an otherkin, i feel uncomfortable as i am right now". so i pretended to agree with them on kin being bad. but then when this girl sent them the email.... i was home. with them. 

they would not shut up aboout how terrible this was for me, how i was hurting myself, how they never should have let me on tumblr, how they shouldve watched me closer, how i don't owe "these people" anything (you guys are my friends!!!) how this community is toxic, how i badly needed therapy. okay okay -- i need therapy! but it's for depression! not for being ebony!! and it was like this every single fucking day, and a lot of cringe blogs have been posting shots of my blog. that's because she's sent anon tips to them outing me as kin, outed me to my parents, and all the other ppl from class i was friends with? she spred a rumor that i was a pedophile apologist and didn't think authors' work was original, to make them stay away from me. i would have been here on tumblr -- ut they monitored all the stuff i did on the internet. i could only write poetry and watch youtube and like check the fucking weather. and i could shop on amazon. they became so ridiculously strict. it was "to protect me" but no. they refused to udnerstand that kin heps me! 

everything came to a head that night. they took a way my laptop, they took away my phone, they made me disconnect from everything that was related to kin. and they sent me to a therapist who was... well. awful. she was blatantly kinphobic, she'd had kin patients before and claimed to have cured them of being kin. this bitch had glowing reviews everywhere. when i insisted that i actually was ebony, she told me that i was taking "imagination as a coping skill" to far. she would not let me explain anything. my parents, who i usually came to for advice and liked, didn't let me explain. any mention of kin was just shut down. 

and then i couldn't anymore. i am so sorry, i just couldn't do it. and i was so angry at them. i was angryer at the bitch classmate who outed me to them. i wrote a sucide note telling them that i'd attempted before but kin saved my life, that i was sorry i couldn't be better, that all i ever wanted was to find my true self, that if i couldn't be ebony then i couldnt be at all. TW!! when they were asleep i went down to the medicine cabinet, i put a basket of my favorite things on the table, and i put the letter in it. and then i took.... jeez i dont even know what. 

the next thing i knew i was awake in the hospital. god it hurt all over. i just remember feeling super sick but really wanting food, and my head hurt, and it hurt to keep my eyes open. i was just... aching. and i was so disappointed and so scared that i'd failed. i knew my parents were furious with me and i'd never talk to my friends again. when they came in to finally talk to me , well i don't remember what happened. i blocked it out. but i do remember that they weren't angry at me, they were mad at themselves.  they are still kinphobic, but they want me to be comfortable with myself without "having to believe i'm ebony". 

when i recovered enough to be sent home they spent all their time with me until i said i needed to be alone. so they gave me a break but they came back, they said that they'd read about how to help me. all the advice they got said that they shouldn't isolate me and they shouldnt cut off my contact from my friends. so i'm allowed to be on tumblr a little, i'm allowed to talk about kin a little, they think that i'll grow out of it with lots of help. shutting me down about it will make me restless and i might atempt again. 

i am currently in therapy. i dk what my new therapist thinks of kin. i try not to talk about it with her bc i'm scared that she'll be hostile and i'll relapse. overall going to see her is not stressfull as long as i don't alk about being ebony. i just kinda pretend that i don't have a sense of my own identity, so she's trying to help me build one. i did tell her about how i had a frend that spread horrible rumors about me and shared my secrets bc i did something she didn't like, i didn't do anything wrong though. she was really sympathetic bc when she was a teenager, fake friends spread rumors about her being bi and said it meant she was cheating on her boyfriend. so yeah she is helping but kin helps too. i'm not going to tell her about it bc i can't have it taken away from me again. 

thats why i've been gone so long. i'm on new meds too, antidepressants, so i might act weird or be emotional a lot. and im trying not to self harm but i slip up and cut sometimes where no one can see it. 

i know i have a lot of messages. guys im really really sorry but i have to delete them. there are self care request, have to delete, i'm sorry. it's just.... if i the messages, i feel sick bc it' like i missed a deadline over and over and i feel like people are going to be mad at me and i feel like i cant fix it. if you sent requests, please sent them again SLOWLY over the next couple days. im doing everything i can to get better. but i need your help. 

[survivorpacificislandallstars]

Ep. 10 - “Winning immunity has been the biggest pussy popper of the season” - Kevin (Pt. 1)

WHAT THE FUCK MITCH YOU TOLD ME BILLY WAS FLIPPING ON ME AND HE WASNT??????????/ BILLY IM SO FUCKING SORRY GOD I OWE YOU MY LIFE AND GOD IF I COULD REPLACE ME WITH YOU I WOULD FUCK FUCK FUCK 

guess who just back-stabbed Billy aka the alliance I was supposed to stick with and GOD Billy didn't deserve that either what a disaster and I feel awful about it RIP my All-Stars game ok i'm gonna drown these awful feelings by getting screamed at for being a shitty tank in Overwatch 

Billy is gone. I'm on a tribe with a solid 3 person alliance against me. If we don't swap I can kiss all-stars goodbye. Charlotte told me to vote Van. Mitch said it was completely up to me. They can go. The furry duo is over. Bring my loves PunPun, Sara, Ash, and Jordan back to me.

I hate myself more right now than i ever have before and thats saying a lot since I hate myself a lot all the time. I'm so fucking sorry Billy, I cant emphasize it enough. I'm so fucking sorry that I got you out of this game because I was scared that you would actually flip on me. I  know you'll eventually get over this, because after all it's a game. But honestly I feel like a sack of shit right now especially since you helped me so much in IHOS and youre one of the best people I know of in this community even though you think everyone hates you and god fuck im so sorry. I would honestly quit this game if I didnt think youd hate me more from it. This is like one of the worst decisions I've ever made in my entire game life. Like fuck you Mitch for tricking me into thinking I could trust you . Fuck this entire fucking game. I'm not an allstar, I'm an asshole. god im so fucking sorry so fuck fuck fuck fucking sorry F U C K!

So Dan literally put on his "I'd like to speak to the manager" haircut to fight Monty and that's how I made final 18 tbh. Because if that tribe had not been disqualified, I probs woulda gone home. Also bless that fuck up in us losing at first because so much funny shit unraveled because of it. Dan immediately started to scramble and separately told Sam G and I he liked us and then made a chat with the 3 of us. Which, the instance majority on the tribe was nice but a) I still didn't trust people and b) he really did it for himself. And THEN he ended up giving us and idol clue and found the idol. And Sam apparently also found the page and told him that she found it but she didn't find the idol so Dan was like "lmao forgot to tell you guys I found the idol" which, forgot? Bitch WHERE? You had no intent in telling us anytime soon. But now we swapped and I'm split from Sam G but still with Dan. Fun to see how that'll go. I met back up with Mitch though! We had a really good touch base talk and it seems like I can hopefully really trust him. He said he's with me and I'd like to believe it. He also said he was the one to get Van and Charlotte to flip on Billy because Jay wouldn't which, I have mixed feelings about. I just said I trusted Billy the most. And Billy goes. So fuck. I guess it's good I don't have an obligation to work with both Billy and Steffen. And if Steffen and I meet up again, we'll see where things go. Rn, I guess I'll stick with Mitch and Punpun. There's also Dan who idk wtf to do with. And David who I could try to connect with. And then Sam B who kinda worries me? She might be close to Dan so I need to keep an eye on that. Just gonna try and stay diligent and at least have SOME grasp of what the hell is going on.

Honestly??? Stop putting Gage and Ash on tribes together 2k16, what the fuck is this. I know I wanted to get them out like, 2 rounds ago, and I still do, but I also have like, Jordan Pines, who still has me fucked up over the Brandon vote, so like, fuck. I never thought I'd say this in my life time but the person I trust the most here is Karen. Like, that is so sad. Karen. Well hopefully since we have Jordan we don't flop at challenges because with this ugly tribe configuration it might be going home and well we don't want that do we.

LITERALLY IF PUN'S FLOP ASS DOES NOT GET OUT OF THIS GAME FOR SCORING A FUCKIN 1900 ON THIS GAME, I WILL QUIT. LIKE I WILL ACTUALLY QUIT IF I DON'T GO HOME. I DON'T WANT TO USE MY IDOL BUT I HAVE A FEELING SOME SHIT IS GONNA BE PULLED. ALSO FUCK JORDAN PINES YOU INHUMAN ROBOT THING. YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU SAT THERE AND SLAMMED YOUR SPACE BAR 360 TIMES IN LIKE 200 MILLISECONDS? BYEEEE. PHOTOSHOP? I'M SO BITTER OMFG. 

Conf #17: Whew okay I lied youre getting this a day late but! who cares. So We voted out Chrissa yay I was nervous they were fooling me but i was wrong. THEN ANOTHER GOD DAMN SWAP, EVERY GODDAMN DAY! I think if we lose im going to push hard to get Mitch out because someones gotta break up the 3 some and im going to try my hardest even if it gets me out!

So far winning immunity has been the biggest pussy popper of the season, next to voting out the gremlin. I was fully ready to pack my bags Eliza style and get my ass handed to me on a silver platter. Who do I trust in this season? If you answered anyone on current tribe, well, you sure thought, because you're wrong. I trust Karen and Jay to an extent, but like I hardly have been with Jay in the game and nobody can really trust Karen under any circumstances. Ever. After all you can't spell Karen without backstabbing snake with several demons manifesting inside her as we speak. Anyway I'm hoping we can continue the ugly awful trend of swapping every round just one more time because for once in the game I actually want to swap so please just grant this poor child's wish

Okay so Punpun lost us this comp. You can't even say it wasn't their fault. They had the lowest score out of the entire season and we only lost by 660 points. That is sooo close. But anyways, I want them out, but apparently she has mitch and andrew who will never flip on them. Which really sucks. Having a group of people working together and always losing comps would really hurt our games. So tonight, me and dan and david are voting out punpun while the other 3 are voting out david. Normally it would tie, but my babe Dan has an idol that he is going to play on david <3 I'm kind of upset because Dan said he told Andrew last round that he got the idol, which, Idk why you would tell someone about your idol if you are so willing to flip on them one round later. I hope they aren't just telling us David so that they can flip and vote me out. I would be sooo upset. I miss Karen, I hate that we literally haven't talked since like the very beginning of this game so idk where her head is at when it comes to working with me. I hope I survive this round, and I feel like if I can just get to merge, I'll be good. That might be a while away though, so I just have to keep playing as socially as possible and see where that takes me. 

Update!!! So dan is giving david his idol (NOT playing it on him) and dan wants me and him to vote out david, knowing he's safe, just so that it looks like we stayed true to Andrew and Mitch instead of flipping. Pun would still go. I'm still nervous about what we said before, with them possibly switching their vote to me or dan. If we use the idol on david and then us 3 vote for mitch, it could tie if they didnt vote out david and then we would have a better chance. Maybe I'm just being paranoid though.