#cannot articulate my thoughts in my own words so I'm using the words of others

[cursed-and-haunted]

What's your opinion on the void and can you too hear it whisper sweet nothings into your ear?

My thoughts on the void, and to answer your question: yes but watch out

Definition of Void, The Void, Nothing, Karman MacKendrick, Tomas Tranströmer tr by Robert Bly, Marco Poloni, Margie Atwood, Peter Peri, C. Joybell C., Mark Rothko, NASA, Black Hole, The New York Times, Science.org, Richard Siken, Paris Paloma, Bianca Braswell, Franz Kafka, Sylvia Plath, Beric Dondarrion

[twi-liight]

Petty Jealousy ❣

Tav's companions cannot fathom them potentially having other friends. ❥ Astarion/reader, Astarion/Tav, but also Companions/reader. I'm a Tavrem supremacist. ❥ Contains my own personal headcanon for why the companions call them "Tav" instead of their first name, which is justification for me loopholing the eternal problem of xreader writers having to wince when they use "F/N" or "Y/N". ❥ They/them pronouns for Tav/reader!

“Look,” Astarion hisses, “look at that!” 

5 pairs of eyes land on the offender of the night (which, to their surprise, isn’t Astarion) who conversed pleasantly with the leader of their party. A half-elf with a sharp jaw, proud brow, and mirthful eyes looks extraordinarily ordinary compared to their merry band of freaks. 

“Who is that, again?” Shadowheart asks absently. “Tav suggested I rest for today instead of mapping out the Underdark with the party, and the next thing I know, they’ve brought back another little companion.” 

Astarion’s jaw twitches. He snaps out, “Companion or complication?”

Gale crosses his arms, shrugging, used to Astarion’s temper running hot then cold. “His name is Nilmorn - a luthier. Tav took an interest in his wares. He makes a living selling stringed instruments in the Underdark. Strange place to sell such things.” 

Ugh. Astarion sighs, shaking his head. Leave it to Gale to traipse over the obvious. A sharpened mind like his would surely know that this Nilmorn has no place here, if not to be a bloodbag for him to slurp on. Beyond that, what use does this pretty boy have? Nilmorn sells wares that are utterly useless to them. He’s quite boring and one-dimensional, too, a character that strays too much into the side of “moral good” for Astarion to tolerate. 

 “Yes, yes, Gale, but have you considered how strange it is that he has invited himself to our camp?” Astarion flares out his hand towards the wizard, as if handing him common sense on his palm. 

“I,” Gale begins, blinking his wet, beautiful brown eyes at Astarion, “invited myself to this journey, Astarion. I am quite hurt you forgot. I thought what we had was special!” 

“Yes, but you’re weird!” Astarion exclaims. “You’re a freak with a bomb in your body because of your situationship with Mystra! That,” Astarion points an accusatory finger in the direction of Nilmorn, in which 5 pairs of eyes look at him again, “is someone so unbelievably normal he doesn’t even have any, any…” He gestures, articulates with his hands to placate his words. 

“No dubious motives?” Shadowheart offers, a smirk coyly playing on her lips. 

“No complicated backstory?” Wyll pipes in. Astarion’s eyes flicker to him, and irritation seeps into his skin when he finds Wyll smiling wryly, as if the warlock is in on some joke he is not picking up on. “No, I don’t know, god that has let him down in some way, shape, or form?” 

“Certainly no skills for fighting.” Lae’zel, thank the gods for Lae’zel. Her smooth voice hides none of her displeasure, and those sharp, slitted eyes stare across the fire to dig daggers into Nilmorn’s back. “Useless. We have no need for string-ed instruments. Let Tav pick one, and send this half-elf on his way.” 

Yes. Yes. Astarion nods eagerly.

“Hmmm. I almost envy his mundaneity,” Karlach adds,  “but I mean, he’s not that bad, Astari. Man’s just trying to make the world a better place, one string at a time.” 

Astarion almost throws up. He looks to the other companions helplessly. “Darlings. Please tell me you are not going to let Karlach get away with saying something so putridly motivational.” 

Karlach tosses her head back and cackles, much to Astarion's chagrin.

“Something is obviously bothering you,” Shadowheart states bluntly. Her green eyes watch his expression carefully in the firelight; she finds something there, but does not say it outright. With an exhale through her nose, as if it is painful for her to attempt a conversation with him, Shadowheart decides to throw him a bone: “Are you jealous?” 

He does not catch the bone. The bone slams right into his head as he stares at Shadowheart, slack-jawed and scandalized. Him? Jealous? “You must be joking.”

“Aw,” Shadowheart croons, another one of her insufferable smirks toying on her lips, “you are.” 

If he had mindflayer powers beyond reading her reprehensible surface-level thoughts, he would make Shadowheart’s head explode. Or something. 

He must establish his dignity in the group once more. He cannot handle more of this, especially not with Wyll grinning so wide, not self-aware enough that if he did not have a sexy demon controlling his life because he didn’t read the terms of conditions of a motherfucking contract, Astarion would bully him more.

“That is not the point here. Look,” he says. “I am just saying that our Tav is desirable in every way. Physically, we can all agree that Tav is attractive. Yes?” 

Yes. They all nod their heads. 

“Tav is a little strange, but they are our leader, and they got us this far somehow. Who knew caring about other people could go a long way.” 

Yes. They all nod their heads, except Wyll and Karlach, who look amongst the group with sheer disappointment on their faces. “Gods,” Karlach groans into her hand, “we– we need to unpack that later, gang. That’s just really sad.” 

“Lastly, Tav is strong. Strong enough to split apart the mountains and the sky, I imagine.” Strong enough to bury Cazador into the ground, hopefully. “Strong enough to face a god unwaveringly. Strong enough to persevere. Strong enough to be kind, despite everything. Despite what they think, they are charismatic, and they are the entire package. The only person who does not know of their value is Tav themselves.” 

They watch Tav’s lips quirk into a smile as Nilmorn holds a lyre out for them upon his smooth hands. Smooth, no sign of scars, no sign of complications. Just so unbearably mundane. Unbearably good. Unbearably kind. 

Unbearably unaware of their true nature.

Nilmorn does not know why they nicknamed them Tav, despite their name being [F/N]. Their unstoppable quench to loot everything and anything set back their timeline by weeks, no doubt. Reaching into barrels, reaching into the pockets of bandits, reaching into damn silk cocoons, reaching into whatever their curious little hands can salvage. It annoyed Astarion at first, but then Tav would find all of these weapons and armors and foods and coins and books. Normalcies and luxuries that made camp life feel less of a drab and more exciting. 

The gleaming, golden dagger at his side? They found it. The boots, the armor, the enchanted rings and necklaces they either found, bartered, or killed for their companions. Thus - Tav, short for tavara, the word meaning wares and merchandise; a clever little nickname Gale came up for their leader who is too good for all of them combined. 

“Any other party could whisk them away, you know,” Astarion says. “Tav could find a party of good, decent people, unlike any of us, without the mess and complication and hurt we cause them, and leave. Remember, my dears. It is not us who is irreplaceable. It is Tav.” 

How long would Tav tolerate him? Not long, he thinks. Long enough until he has expended his use for them, surely, but not forever. That's why anyone who wants Tav beyond sex or strength is a threat. If he hadn’t seduced his way into their heart, he wouldn’t be here where he stands, with a group of people who make him feel a little less alone. 

No doubt he would be in a cage on the back of a covered wagon that belongs to that disgusting gyr, Gandrel, his chain to Cazador growing shorter and shorter.

Silence. Tense and still. They watch as Tav laughs lightly, eyes alighting with amusement as Nilmorn cracks another joke. 

"You should meet my other companions," they hear Nilmorn offer, "I just know they would love to have you."

Revelation slams into each and every one of them like a magic missile.

“He’s not that funny,” Shadowheart mutters. She bends down, hands gripping tightly around the handle of her mace. “I don’t know why they are laughing that hard.”

“He can try to leave with his head on his shoulders,” snarls Lae’zel, “just say the word, Astarion.” 

Excellent. 

“What-” Wyll turns to Gale and Karlach. “We should stop them, shouldn’t we? There are no implications of this man trying to steal Tav away, he's just being nice, you worthless cunts! This is not fair to him!” 

“We’re in the Underdark, aren’t we? Super deep. Doubt anyone who cares for him will come looking for him.” 

“Karlach!” 

“Astute observation! To make this all a little easier on us, I can most certainly put this man to sleep.” 

“Gale?!” 

“Go on, Lae’zel,” Astarion grins wickedly, “attack!”

“Oh, hells,” Wyll stumbles back, then turns quickly to the other direction towards Halsin. “Halsin! Halsin - they’re trying to murder someone again!” 

❥ Additional links: kofi | ao3

[reblive]

An except from Eric’s journal that i’ve thought about often as of lately. I have no place to put my thought so I will speak on here. No intent for discourse, I just have no outlet to speak on this matter. If this is not the space for you, just don’t read it. I don’t really care to hear anything.

“Society may not realize what is happening but I have; you go to school, to get used to studying and learning how youre "supposed to" so that drains or filters out a little bit of human nature. but thats after your parents taught you whats right and wrong even though you may think differently, you still must to have more of your human nature blown out of your ass. society trys to make everyone act the same by burying all human nature and instincts. Thats what school, laws, jobs, and parents do If they realize it or not and them, the few who stick to their natural instincts are casted out as psychos or lunatics or strangers or just plain different. crazy, strange, weird, wild, these words are not bad or degrading.. if humans were let to live how we would naturaly it would be chaos and anarchy and the human race wouldnt probably last that long, but hey guess what, thats how its supposed to be!!!!! society and goverments are only created to have order and calmness, which is exactly the opposite of pure human nature. take away all your laws and morals and just see what you can do. if the goverment was one entity it would be thinking "hey, lets make some order here and calm these crazy fucks down so we can be constructive and fight other goverments in our own little so called self created "civilizied world" and get rid of all those damn insticts everyone has" well shit I'm to tired wright anymor tonight, so until next time, fuck you all”

In some way in pains me to see the way he felt about the world and the wrong doings of those around him. If you take a second to sit and read what he’s saying it’s like part of his authenticity comes out and then transitions back to switching to speak to the audience and how he wanted to be seen. I can’t always articulate in words the feelings I get when I think about him but it’s genuinely always painful. He was so hurt, and described his pain, but still shadowed his true feelings of distress for the audience. He cared about what other people thought about him even in his writings, and it’s so disheartening that he was that broken and plague by the environment he was in. I take time to consider how people cannot feel empathy for him and I understand it due to the situation at hand (obviously) however, considering how he was 17 years old writing this, he was just a kid. He was once how we all once were, innocent and compelled to continue on the paths of our lives the way that the nature of society intended us to. It really goes to show how fucked up he had it. This draws me back to the butterfly effect, was there one decision by himself, or inflicted upon him by others that brought him to where he ended his life? Empathy is a theme he seems to disregard in his journal entries, and quite frankly, all of media and the world deems him as un empathetic because of his writings. We didn’t know how he thought of himself in his head, we didn’t know the guilt, destruction, and true pain he went through that was genuine. I find this a reason why there is much more weight put onto him within his person. “It’s only a tragedy if you think it is, and then it’s only a tragedy in your own mind.” (7/29/98) I suppose this is how we all (who empathize with E&D) feel and can relate to.

Thinking too much about his pain these days and what he once was and how he became what he was. Being truthful and honest are two different things. Being truthful, factual, what he did was terrible. Being honest, feelings, I have so much pain in my heart for how he was feeling. There’s nothing anyone can do now (whom empathize)

[lurkinggirlie]

Elain & Azriel are EndGame

Azriel’s bonus chapter: semi-essay on my thoughts

This post will be a long one. The shipwar has been going on for far too long, and there's a possiblity that we'll be getting closure soon. So, I want to put my thoughts out there. For Obvious reasons, I could be very wrong, but this is what I think based on canon text: (Ignore any errors..I haven't edited this, and I'm sure there are many posts like this that are way more articulate)

Elriel are endgame. If they’re not then Azriel is kinda pathetic and having him end-up with anyone else is bad writing and character assassination. (Which we sadly won’t put past sjm but I don’t think she would..at least I hope)

1- Elain has no other love interest. Yes, Lucien is her mate but we have hinted at a broken/rejected mating bond for the longest time when it comes to these two so having them accept it eventually is going to be quite underwhelming, repetitive and boring. Even Lucien seems to have given up/isn’t interested in bridging that gap between them, which we’re told in both acofas and acosf. Unless you want to count the longing pointed out by Cassian, although Cassian also pointed out that Lucien was also uncomfortable when he mentioned his mate. To add on, there is no sexual tension between the two, and we know how important that is for sjm’s couple. You can't keep whining "but Elain isn't giving him a chance, if only she gave him a chance, then maybe this and maybe that" Elain is not a seprate entity, she is what SJM writes, Sjm could have written that but she did not yet and I'm not sure if she will. It feels too late at this point, she had already shown us that Elain has feelings for someone else aka Azriel. The author doesn't have to spell everything out for us to understand to what's going on. Sarah usually makes it clear who's endgame. and she literally is. So, it would be very sudden and out of the blue if Lucien and Elain were to end up together when she had never shown it before. When even Azriel pointed this out “I think Lucien will never be good enough for her, and she has no interest in him, anyway” people can say Rhys killed elriel, that the bonus chapter ended them. But this line right here tells us otherwise! First we know Azriel and Elain can read each other so well that they don’t need words, and then Azriel tells us this. He’s literally telling us that Elain does not want Lucien.

We also cannot compare elucien to Feysand or Nessian in the “enemies to lovers" department, because these two seem to hardly care about each other. For obvious reasons she wouldn’t accept or reject Lucien in a book that isn’t hers. But if they do end up together I’d feel robbed that she had more sexual tension with Azriel than she did with Lucien. And we know that Nessian and Feysand had sexual tension before getting together. Most of what we got from Elain and Lucien was awkwardness, and discomfort. Not a single spark. Furthermore, it would feel like Azriel was just leading Elain own. Plus their romance (Lucien and Elain)  would not feel organic, only getting with Lucien because she felt rejected by Azriel, which doesn’t give epic romance no matter how sjm tries to spin it. It would always make Lucien seem like the second choice.

2- Azriel regifting the necklace was a dickhead move, and offensive to both girls. Anyone thinking the regifting of the necklace ended elriel or started gwynriel is delusional and clearly doesn’t know how the romance genre works. (should’ve thrown the gift in the Sidra like Cassain did) I can’t believe Rhys isn’t paying Azriel enough that he felt the need to return the necklace to the shop instead of throwing it. Senstive Illyrian baby indeed. 

3- Rhys saying stay away from Elain (can we take a moment to appreciate how sexy Rhys was for pulling rank, he really made the ship more interesting now) and Azriel actually listening to him?? When he told him you can’t order me to do that. shit would be underwhelming if Azriel actually stayed away? Hello? Secret relationship potential ? Hello? Forbidden romance potential  ??? The tropes would be epic. Sjm had never done that. And I’m not saying she will, but this is how I see it playing out. + Azriel saying it was a mistake to Elain, and Elain apologizing?? The fact she was confused/hurt and probably thought she misunderstood the whole situation? SHE IS BABYGIRL?? Regardless, Azriel saying it was a mistake and it being a mistake is NOT it. This is not how romance works most of the time. This is such a basic romantic trope, why are a lot of people misinterepting it? Elain deserves better, and sjm isn’t about to hurt Elain’s feelings without making it up to her. And she’s definitely not making Azriel end up with another girl before he fixes that shit. I will be needing a proper apology to Elain.  

4- Whenever people think of the bonus chapter they weigh in Azriel’s feelings far more than Elain’s. It’s clear that Elain and Azriel’s feelings are MUTUAL, ignore the bonus chapter and it’s right there in the actual book. I don’t think Elain got the memo that Azriel had  a conversation with another girl after he hurt her feelings which made him realize he’s in love all of a sudden. *sarcasm*  that would be very out of character for Azriel. 

5- His chest sparkling at the thought of Gwyn getting the necklace was so??? I have been saying he’s for the streets and yes this was out of pocket. So, I understand people shipping them. However it could mean anything really, you can't continue saying that Gwyn in the bonus has to mean something, and that that spark must mean somethig but continue to disreagrd every single Elriel interaction like they mean nothing. Because for it to be taken as romance we’d have to ignore the beginning of the bonus, the feysand’s bonus acosf/acomaf/acowar and acofas. + we could easily take this in a platonic way, which is how I viewed it when I read the bonus. Not everything has to be romantic. And sjm will NOT introduce a new guy to make him end up with Elain since we already established Elain doesn’t want Lucien and Lucien doesn’t want her either. 

6- I know that a lot of people have theories about Gwyn being a lightsinger and all of this happening because of her powers (While I do think this is very smart, it wasn’t something I thought of so I won’t talk about it). I do think it’s possible, and all the theories I saw were really cool but idk where sjm is going with this, so to make it simple I do think it could be because she’s his student, she went through a lot it could simply be platonic happiness that a girl who went through so much is going to be happy about something. Even if it was a secondhand necklace specifically picked with ANOTHER girl in mind PLUS I do think sjm wanted drama, and for people to doubt elriel cuz now they have all these obstacles, so Gwyn would be the easy choice, but the second choice regardless. The relationship would feel icky and I genuinely cannot see the potential gwynriels keep talking about. I would take the ship a lot more seriously if a) he didn’t regift her another girl’s necklace b) there was more to them in the actual book. c) he wasn’t still upset about it 3 days later… 

7- There’s a high possibility Gwyn never even got the necklace..

He gave it to Clotho not Gwyn, he didn’t want his name mentioned, and then said if any other girl would like it to give it to them: the aim was to get rid of Elain’s necklace. It’s sort of a parallel with Cassain throwing away Nesta’s present.

I think it’s possible that Azriel went there because he knows how much the girls in the library have suffered, especially since his mom did too, it's possible he thought "okay this is a pretty necklace, I don't want to hold onto the reminder of what could've been, so instead of throwing it let another girl be happy about it. At least it won’t go to waste”

Clotho could tell there was something wrong, like maybe she sensed the energy and decided ayeee let me keep this aside for him, he might come back and ask for it. 

The bonus did not happen at the end of the book 

If Azriel was truly in love with Gwyn now /or he wanted her/ or more between them was going to happen/ or they were mates according to some theories we could have AT LEAST gotten more after the bonus. 

We know the bonus happened after solstice.

Nesta mentions that Azriel was stone-faced and more aloof than usual, he wouldn’t even give her a smile. That was 3 days after the necklace situation. I think it would’ve been a great opportunity to highlight any attraction between Azriel and Gwyn.

Maybe he sees the necklace around her neck, maybe Nesta and Emerie compliment Gwyn’s necklace, or Gwyn telling them she doesn’t know who it’s from, maybe they tease her that someone might have a crush on her. Nesta could’ve pointed out that Azriel was looking at Gwyn’s necklace.or looking at Gwyn in some sort of way. Literally anything. 

Anyone pointing out the way Azriel and Gwyn looked at each other. A charged glance perhaps. Literally ANYTHING. We only got him looking at her with admiration which is very teacher coded. 

If sjm hadn’t made Nesta realize Azriel had a thing for Elain then maybe gwnyriel would’ve been more appealing to me. But no, Nesta noticed. This doesn’t mean nothing people.

aside from that we got nothing romantic, but a part of the fandom still acts like we need to exile Elain because she’s coming between Gwyn and Azriel’s epic love story.

Not everyone has access to the bonus.  

The Azriel chapter was only in ONE store in the US, but Feysand’s bonus chapter was in 3 stores in the US and UK. I don't know but something tells me it’s more important.  Soooo if SJM would do a love interest switch she would not do it in a bonus chapter, and wouldn’t be highlighting the Az/Elain interactions in ACOSF as much as she did. 

Feyre’s chapter focuses on Elain, it literally tells us Elain is next once we’re done helping Nesta. EASY MATH. and the Azriel bonus also focuses on elriel/Azriel’s feelings. ENDGAME MATERIAL RIGHT HERE. 

But the girls swear up and down that Gwyn and Azriel’s book is next because of a secondhand necklace. 

Let’s assume elriels are the delusional ones (like so many of them say), how do we explain these. 

Casual readers who usually read books and aren’t on the internet and aren’t looking for bonus content (wish that was me)  (lord knows I skipped every bonus chapter in throne of glass and crescent city and I wasn’t confused about anything. Not even once) so they’d expect answers for 

The Charged glance between Azriel and Elain

Azriel following the sound of Elain’s laughter. 

Elain looking away when Azriel smiled at her during family dinner, Cassian god bless him that idiot could NOT piece all of that together. BUT it was still highlighted through his POV ???

His secret to tell never hers (and we do learn of that secret in the bonus but people who didn’t read it could only guess so they’d want a confirmation) and sjm did say in one of her lives that Nesta learns of one of Azriel’s secrets (she looked all giddy about it)... and that Azriel is going through some shit right now…and we learn why from the bonus chapter. 

Cassian being confused that it seems like Azriel moved on from Mor

Nesta pointing out that Elain moved on from Graysen

Cassian wondering why Elain is lying about where she’s going. (I viewed this as her avoiding Azriel but idk) 

Azriel’s protectiveness of Elain. He gives mate behavior without the mate part. (I will hit him on the head though omg let my girl do something)

Elain willing to look for the troves even when Nesta wasn’t, the girl wants to do something  (her journey is coming next) 

Nesta wondering if Elain is training with Azriel or the twins (who are spies that were trained by Azriel !!!) 

Feyre telling Azriel that Elain got him beat for secret keeping. Sure it might sound delusional but Elain keeps being compared to Az/being a spy and maybe this could be a thing. 

Elain speaking back to her sisters about them treating her like a child?? Hello finally 

The way Elain’s mother only treated her like a pretty doll which shaped up Elain’s whole life??? I want this from Elain’s POV sooo bad 

In conclusion, we’re not pausing Elain’s story so Azriel can end up with a side character in a spinoff about an og side character, we’re sticking to our og side characters for now.

Azriel being over Mor because of Elain, and Elain moving on from Graysen because of Azriel only for Elain to get over Azriel to be with Lucien (who we got nothing from aside a mating bond..) and for Az to get over Elain and questioning fate for her…only to end up with gwyn…like I don’t think anyone could take Azriel’s feelings seriously if this happens. Shit will be too goofy.  Because if he ends up with Gwyn who says he won’t move on to the next pretty girl he sees afterwards.

To add to that, what plot would we have for Azriel and Gwyn. We'll get more Valkyries training, more healing journey so the plot would have to be paused for this. Nesta’s book was mostly about her healing journey and friendship, while it was nice I don’t want a repeat for the next book. Especially since we know the Rite took a toll on Gwyn, she went back to the library, wasn’t even sure she would make it to Nessian’s mating ceremony. This doesn’t give the protagonist of the next book to me. Or "I thought it was pretty obvious"

Elain’s healing journey had started in ACOWAR, she got her friends in ACOWAR. Now is their TIME to do something!! She is next. 

Closing thoughts on what I think would happen based off each ship happening: 

If elriel happens = new sjm couple dynamic/interesting plot. Fresh sjm protagonist that is unlike sjm's others + we don’t ignore all the foreshadowing and hints. We follow the love triangle we set up in the og trilogy + finally get a rejected mating bond. And instead of warrior training we might get spy training and instead of physical power (as far as we know) we get something more mental. Again this is very new for sjm + there’s a lot to Elain’s power that we don’t know and since Azriel was the one who found out what she was, I think it would make more sense for him to know how to help her. Imagine the sexual tension during training..yes please. I hope sjm doesn’t rob me. Elain is really mysterious, we got Nesta’s inner thoughts before her book but we still haven't gotten a peep about Elain’s inner thoughts and I’m just dying to know more. AND THE STAKES!

1) Rhys forbidding Azriel from Elain, 2) Elain’s mating bond,3) Azriel’s self doubt and how he doesn’t think he’s good enough. 4) The blood duel and the political mess we could get into. (Lucien probs won't but what if Beron would, the breeding potential, A seer must be a powerful thing she can see things others can't and I think that’s valuable. If Eris thought Nesta was valuable as cauldron made and there was no potential there, so The Autumn court probably feels even more entitled to Elain) We have high inner and outer stakes. I have a feeling SJM will fumble all this potential but a girl can dream 

If elucien happens = another successful mating bond + “enemies”  to lovers sort of but they won’t ever be mean to each other so maybe not enemies, just dislike and awkwardness to friends to lovers?  We ignore the hints about a rejected bond and in mating bonds we trust. We also ignore all the elriel hints, and their mutual feelings. We follow the love triangle set up in the og trilogy. I don’t think Lucien could train her in anything? Maybe self defense, Idk Sarah could pull something, but I don’t see Elain leaving her circle of friends but neither do I see Lucien settling in the night court and leaving his own friends. There are no stakes but Elain’s and Lucien’s awkwardness around each other + Elain’s feelings for Azriel. Elain’s and Lucien’s plot connects though so at least there’s that, SJM could ship them off on a mission together and make them get closer. Forced proximity sort of thing. 

If gwynriel happens then = we lost the whole plot, ignored the foreshadowing and hints found in the actual book. Mentor to lovers, civil with each other. Azriel has to move on from Elain first though and that could be icky. Healing journey, more Valkyries training. So we pick up from where we left off in acosf, and we’d see Azriel trying to get her to come out of the Library, or he goes to visit her there until she agrees to come out again. Maybe if Gwyn is a lightsinger then idk more training with Azriel? Again, no stakes but Gwyn’s trauma and Azriel’s self doubt oh and also his feelings for Elain. But that’s it, Gwyn as of now does not connect to the overall plot with the troves (she’s not made therefore she can’t use them) or koschei. So I don’t see us making her go on a mission like that. I’ve seen a lot of gwynriles saying Gwyn has spy potential idk where, but she could barely keep a secret for Nesta so I highly doubt she’d be keeping secrets for the IC. 

Ps: the original koschei plot is 3 sisters marrying 3 very powerful wizards and like idk 3 sisters 3 brothers…we can have a retelling ya know 

[scrumptiousstuffs]

Hii~ I'll say firstly I'm keeping things strictly speculative and I'm NOT diagnosing anyone since I'm not a doctor.

I've noticed this for so long and just wanted to out this in the world asgdjdjfkf but khaotung gives me MAJOR adult with undiagnosed adhd vibes. The messy car (bottles in the front seat?!), always messy room, extremely creative hobbies and passions (song writing/ composing/singing/ acting), impulsive purchases !!!, frequently getting lost even with maps, engineering major but cant math, has a hard time rmring past events even though he's in the same location (timeblindness). I have ADHD too and I can see such a striking resemblance in me and him it’s crazy. (Ofc everybody presents with stuff like this but when it's excessive that's when you know)

I've watched and rewatched interviews and content enough to see how he tends to be a little spacey and needs to ask things twice to make sense. (People with ADHD struggle usually with too many thoughts, attention going everywhere instead of just the task at hand) And oh when I saw that gifset where he's like he asks first's help to organise his tasks for him my heart just died cz yes!!! (That's troubles with sequencing and work ordering that we folks struggle with and there's his bestie just calmly helping him out oh it made me heart hurt sm but anyway-)

He's my little aloof baby girl with 26739 facial expressions cz he cannot for the life of him calm tf down. He's so reactive and expressive and in the moment, yet he falls over his words (not all the time, yes, but A LOT). My boy is doing his fckin best and has grown so so much and I adore him for that.

His sleep habits??? Classic adhd. Can't fall asleep cz his brain wouldn't stfu. (He said that himself in one radio interview)

His shopping addiction is just him boosting his dopamine every chance he gets. And I get him. So much.

Somewhere he also talked about how he got burnt out and couldn't get out of bed and I just. I just wanted to hug this boy bcz- oh. Oh it all makes sense. (ADHD folks are notorious for burning out cz they already run on little to no fuel. They have to work extra hard for things others do without effort and that gets so goddamn hard)

Manager can’t reach him. Hyper aware of his surroundings (hence attuned and caring to everyone around him). He frequently gets distracted by fans screaming while he's talking (cz of the external stimulus) - and first has spoken on his behalf to not misunderstand him 🥹 (Again bcz ADHD makes your attention go everywhere and you can't regulate that shit)

But why am I even going on about this? There's plenty of people out there who don't have/require a diagnosis bcz they're doing just fine.

YES. YES.

This makes me all the more emotional bcz yes, people, community, friends, family when all of them pick up on your lost pieces life just gets so much bearable.

First is that person for Khaotung 100%.

He literally called First his second manager, he asks First to organise his work for him, answer for him. He looks for him everywhere because he needs him like genuinely, genuinely needs him to be there. (Like that one time he won't let him go off stage bcz he was taking pictures and didn’t want to be alone aahdhajsk)

Like we call First as the one who clings to Khaotung, let's be honest the whole company says it. But when I see Khaotung with First it's like he turns towards him like he's the sun. Pre-FK, in interviews he used to be so shy and struggle at articulating things, but with First taking the reigns he got the space to become better at his own pace and that's what I love about them sm :(

Okay I'm done. I'm just saying he might (again, keyword MIGHT) have ADHD. It's a whole spectrum and having friends around who aren’t judgemental and willing to share the load for you makes life easier and bearable and First is that person for him which just makes me admire and love this pairing even more aaagsfhjdk :((((

So, finally, what do you think about this? Sorry if this is in any way unsettling you don't have to answer it I just wanted to get it out haha

Wow anon, this is certainly a long post😅. You must have thought about it hard.

I have no training to diagnose ADHD. However, I'm glad you identify with Khaotung and sees yourself in him.

That's why most of us love the boys, yeah? In some ways or another, they are relatable and we connect with them. (On top of their kind, sweet nature, amazing acting skills plus beautiful faces of course!!!🥰🥰🥰)

Either way, some of the habits you listed above can easily be considered annoying to a lot of people. Clearly, First just finds everything Khaotung does adorable (but can you blame him? 🥺🥺🥺…look at this pookie!)

They balance each other superbly well. Yin and Yang if you want to call it ☯️

So, I agree with you when you say First is the person for Khaotung (just as Khaotung is for First)

(Khaotung towards First during an interview) ☝️

And you are absolutely right when you say that it's very easy (from the outside) to see First appears to be the "clingier" of the 2, but I suspect privately, Khaotung is just as sticky (he is just not as open about it like First, and I'll be addressing this on a different ask I got).

There is a quote by Walt Whitman (American poet) - "Keep your face towards the sunshine, and shadows will fall behind you."

And so, your statement of Khaotung looking at First like he is the sun, oh yes... he does it all the time!! (be it in official photoshoot, concerts or events)

[kell-be-belle]

TMAGP Thoughts (Spoilers)

I'm an RQ Patreon so I got to hear EP 1 & 2 of Protocol today and I know it'll be a few days for general hype, I need to share my thoughts about a very specific part while it's still fresh in my mind. I'm going to try hard to be articulate about it, but I'm also having a lot of feelings. Spoilers below the cut

On the subject of the program known as Norris. Now, I know that there's no official equation between Norris and Martin Blackwood, but for argument's sake, I'm going to treat them as related. This is also all my own speculation so bear with me.

The first significant sentence we hear Norris say in their reading is "I just couldn't face the thought of the rest of my life never hearing him again." and when I say it knocked the air clean from my lungs, I cannot be exaggerating any less. I immediately burst into tears.

First off, the fact that the reading specifically states the idea of never hearing a loved one's voice again, in a series where voice holds such power, has implications that I can barely even begin to fathom at this moment. And the fact that it is Martin's voice speaking about it must have reason. From what I've gathered in Jonny's writing, there isn't much that can be chalked up to coincidence and I most certainly don't believe that could be the case in something as highly anticipated as Protocol.

Now, as far as we know from the end of Archives, Martin has successfully killed Jon. It's highly likely that Martin is also killed, however, we can still hear him breathing and crying even as the Panopticon collapses around them. It's perfectly reasonable to speculate that Martin somehow survived the aftermath. Meaning, Martin could have very possibly been left to process the insurmountable grief of losing Jon by himself (Which has other themes tying back to his connection with The Lonely that I can't even touch upon)

The reading made by Norris talks about a grieving spouse who is going to some relatively extreme lengths to be reconnected with their husband, Arthur. It appears as though the dearly departed Arthur has somehow come back to the mortal plane. There could be a couple of explanations for this, but I think it could mostly likely be one of two. Either, something is masquerading as Arthur OR Arthur has come back, but has come back wrong.

So here is where things get really sad for me because this is the scenario my mind supplied me with upon gathering all this information:

Martin survives the fall of the Panopticon. Jon is dead. Martin grieves for his lost love. The grief becomes so deep and so all-consuming that Martin becomes desperate to scrounge for any scrap of Jon that could possibly remain. It leads Martin down roads best left untraveled and perhaps, but some miracle or more appropriately a curse, Jon has somehow come back, but, like Arthur, he's come back wrong. Perhaps something with the Eye or the Web or the other fears that possibly looks like Jon, almost certainly sounds like Jon, but is not Jon. And now Martin is left with an impossible choice. To lose himself in the sound of a voice he feared he would never hear again or acknowledge that voice speaks hollow words and silence it to himself permanently.

Anyway, this feels like a bit of a ramble, but I hope it makes enough sense. While a lot of it is speculation, I don't think the fact that it was that particular reading done in that particular voice after those particular events is without some significance. Only time will tell us the truth of what happened. 

[divinekangaroo]

In this moment, in this room, I love you - Did he really mean it?

I'm always slightly wary of this angle of query because it often feels like looking for a ship-war interpretation that makes certain relationships "right" when, well, relationships are not on a binary. XD

But, I also have no idea what people mean even IRL when they say 'do you love someone', because every time it's used it seems to me to mean 'do you sacrifice more of yourself for the other person's wellbeing than would be good for your own wellbeing and think this is the right and upstanding thing to do' and that's pretty destructive, to me. Even when people say it in relation to parents and children, or children and parents. I am wary as hell of the term love because it's a distorted word that appears to serve as a bucket for a whole gamut of cultural constructs regarding worth, gender and roleplay.

So, well, did Tommy mean what, exactly?

My interpretation of this monologue was that Lizzie meant enough to Tommy that he articulated that whole speech in an effort to give her recognition, to give her something that he thought would have meaning to her. So yeah, use of the word love aside, he was telling her she has deep meaning to him, or he wouldn't have endeavoured to say it. He wouldn't have arranged the hotel to try to connect with her.

His disclaimer's always been fascinating because that's where the sorrow is, some acknowledgment that either 1) he knows his feeling for her will never be enough to alter his actions or intensions in the way he thinks Lizzie wants/needs from him (meaning: she wants/needs him to change, to be someone different for her, and he can't) and 2) these sorts of deep emotions, he can only feel in a transitory, very broken way these days.

In S6, Ada uses the same "in this moment, in this room" phrasing when she describes herself to Mosley and Diana as holding the power, a momentary, fleeting and unstable thing in a world of complex dynamics. I do ponder significantly the use of power and love both bracketed by in this moment/room (but that's another analogy for another post), and in this context do think the 'in this moment in this room' phrasing as a minimum recalls that Tommy's offering to Lizzie has the same inherent instability as power.

And, terribly, because of that fleetingness, the temporary nature, the instability and inconstancy of his feeling, Tommy's monologue to Lizzie also creates some resonance in me of the scene where Tommy tells Charlie 'that's how horses are' when he describes how Ruby's horse will forget her. I cannot help but feel Tommy meant himself: yes, he was shattered by Ruby's death....but he'll forget. He can't feel the way he (thinks he) should feel. What is another cup of grief in an ocean of his grief, after all? It's not like he doesn't feel it, but...does it change anything? He went past threshold /capacity so many years ago that more of it's...well... *shrugs* And the whole scene with Lizzie feels the same. These people he loves need him to be someone else, and while he certainly gives of himself in so many ways, it's not ways that they want.

(I also think frequently on Lizzie's "What good will you become" - she's *never* actually asked Tommy to be a good man, or to change the gang life, only to separate/protect himself and his loved ones from it; she has a very close, personal view of morality, and while she doesn't want to hurt others, she also never really seems concerned about bigger impacts, social impacts, anything beyond the tight selfish/selfhood space. Lizzie certaintly never called on Tommy to become something so grand and great and making huge political moves for "the greater good." I can't picture her understanding his supposed & expressed motivation of the greater good/lasting legacy as *worth* what he's putting himself and those close to him through)

Did he mean it? Yes. He feels and hurts and then he doesn't change what he does.

[hyenahunt]

Rouge & Ruby: February's Situation - 6

Writer: Umeda Chitose

Season: Winter

Characters: Hiyori, Nagisa, Ibara, Jun

Proofreading: royalquintet (JP) & Skyress (ENG)

Translation: Mirei (Adam) & hyenahunt (Eve)

Ibara: I'm unfamiliar with this so-called "love-filled" and "tender" Valentine's you speak of.

[Read on my blog for the best viewing experience with Oi~ssu ♪]

Hiyori: (....Wow. Who'd have thought Jun-kun would actually speak up and object like that?)

Nagisa: (…It's quite the rare twist, isn't it? ...No, this might be the first time ever.)

Hiyori: (I'll watch how things unfold. I'm curious to see how Ibara will react...)

Ibara: … About that, as I have already explained, I cannot ignore, much less disregard, their wishes.

Jun: I get that. I mean, if you seemed fine with it, I wouldn't be saying anything.

I'm not the sharpest guy here, but I'm pretty sure I understood the situation as you explained.

But even though you're supposed to be in with those jerks, you're here complaining all about it, aren'tcha?

And you were so fired up for Chocolat Fes, too...

If you extend your plans to involve COMP all for the sake of sucking up to the higher-ups and their greed, then that shit'll blow up in your face if it goes wrong, not theirs.

Ibara: … This is simply part of my duty as vice president.

Jun: Like Ohii-san said, we've already finished our job for COMP by shooting that promotional video.

I may not know much 'bout project planning and scheduling... but I mean, I'm sure there'll be other chances to use up the remaining budget.

Wouldn't it be nice to just sincerely convey our love to all our fans, at least for Valentine's Day?

Ibara, you put so much thought and effort into Chocolat Fes, and we'd give it our all for that.

Jun: If we do that, then Eden's performance is gonna be something great. In fact, it'll be straight-up incredible.

And if we manage an incredible performance, then it'll naturally have a positive impact on things, I think...

And so, um...

Ibara: …

Jun: When you first started planning for Chocolat Fes, you didn't take COMP's extra budget into account, right?

And now they wanna use that budget to make a good impression of CosPro-affiliated schools, and on top of that, they put you in charge of the plan for it, too.

Honestly, don'tcha think that's kinda screwed up?

Ibara: … Watch your words. It will do you no good to make blatant remarks against the executives.

Jun: I already checked to make sure no one's around.

But I mean, a plan that ends up happening 'cause of cash alone... Well, the one making that plan happen will be you, but...

I dunno, it seems kinda like a selfish cash-grab on their part to me...

Jun & Ibara: ….

Nagisa: (… Jun seems like he has a lot to say. He's really trying his best to articulate himself.)

Hiyori: (But he's tripping up because he's trying to talk before gathering his thoughts.)

(Plus, he's trying to be nice and not talk poorly of Ibara's choices... it's tantalizing to watch...)

(...That's getting across to Ibara too, I'm sure. His replies are much more hesitant compared to his usual tone.)

Jun: ...I understand that there's a lot of conditions and compromises I don't know about.

But I know about what you've told us, Ibara. Some of it's got a competitive aspect to it as always, but I trust in your way of doing things when it comes to that, so I think it's fine and all...

So I don't wanna have anything related to COMP throwing a wrench in that, at least this time 'round.

Jun: What I'm saying is — if it's gonna stress you out so much to try to shove it in, let's just win this thing with your own plan and our own abilities.

And I mean... I feel like Valentine's Day is usually a tender event, meant to be filled with love.

So y'know, there's no place for any kinda scheming in that. That's what I think, anyway.

Ibara: Overflowing with love…?

Ibara: (Valentine's, to me, is a war of business—a competition. It's the time for the sweets companies to fight each other — It is a brutal conflict in which manufacturers vie for domination.)

(I fail to see the connection to this event described as "tender and filled with love".)

(Perhaps I've had more chances to speak of fondness and friendship lately, but those emotions remain incomprehensible to me. And for you... to say that to me…)

… How annoying.

Jun: Huh? What'd you say?

Ibara: I'm unfamiliar with this so-called "love-filled" and "tender" Valentine's you speak of.

Rather than wasting time trying to understand, it's much faster and easier to use the money wisely to impress those executives and ES.

Jun: But I'm saying—

Ibara: .. However, your opinion has been heard. We can hardly call this plan complete if it cannot even convince you, Jun.

It won't do any good to either of us if we continue the debate now — please give me some time.

Ibara: I'll contact you later... Excuse me.

[ ☆ ]

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[sburbian-sage]

Hey hey. Knight of Quartz again. I meant to get back to you sooner but stuff got fucked up. Or I did, at least.

Still no deaths, yippee, but I always forget about Knight syndrome until it hits, haha... don't think that's even the problem though. I think it's just how the aspect is, even if my coplayers don't think so. They don't know.

The whisperings are really really really

really really really really really reallyreallyreallyreallyreally

repetitive, and also just kinda fucking grim... not sure now to put it.

And it's not just that, it's the ENTIRE thing. The whole aspect is so horrifying the more I use it, but it FEELS innocuous, it feels so fucking normal, I can't fully convey what's wrong with it to you. I can say "Oh yeah, it's made my memory better", but that's not going to get across all the bad parts. All the reasons you'd never actually want that. And it isn't the reasons you'd think- it's not that I can't forget the pain of battles or traumatic shit that's happened (though yes, that also sucks), it's that the SANCTITY of my memories is being violated.

IT'S *MY* THOUGHTS. There is an ORDER to them that the aspect grants intuitive knowledge of and then SPITS ON. I am not a book to be read, and yet it NECCISARRILY treats me (and *everything* else) like one.

Even this fucking stupid land. I KNOW IT DID THIS TO HURT ME. A "pop culture reference" as you so astutely noted is a strange thing to have in your land title! Do you know what's stranger???? That pop-culture reference BARELY MATTERING. I know it could have used "sacrifice" or something instead, but it didn't, it used rhystic, because the game knows I miss MTG. That's all it is! It's a fucking ploy to make me nostalgic, as if I'm not already DROWNING in the feeling. All I am now is what was, literally.

I wanted to research all this, take notes for people who also get stuck with this shit. But I'm done! It's corpses and ash and dust and everything I want to forget and tics and circles and hearing the same thing a million billion times.

I think you are very much wrong about “Retroactively not getting assigned your own Title” not being a thing (though I guess retroactive isn't the word for it). I think I can make this have been (or rather, it already always was) a pseudo-"""timeline""" all along. (LOL, HAHAHAHA. I need none of this to have happened because otherwise I will never be able to use the Time aspect, among other reasons. I cannot possibly put into words how little sense Time makes as an aspect, now that I've felt Quartz. It's like if someone went up to you and tried to say "actually Fate and Mind are the same aspect and Fate's better for what you want to do anyway.")

Even you won't remember, out where Time and Space don't work right, because it won't be time travel. I did say timeline, but I need to be clear, it isn't. This didn't just never happen, it *couldn't* happen. You aren't reading this. I'm not typing this, and neither is any "alternate version" of """""me""""". (Also Rain. Rain isn't supposed to make sense in the first place I guess, but the idea that dupliclones are the "same person" is now nonsensical to me. (And no, this isn't a contradiction. The real version of me IS me, and I am him, despite the differences in our memories, because if this works then I don't *have* memories... This is too complicated to explain.))

So if I succeed, you won't remember these messages. So I don't know why I'm bothering writing this I guess. Just in case it doesn't work, I suppose. If god tiering doesn't do it, then...

Well, I'm not upset enough to kill coplayers to get a ghost in a dream bubble and see if that does it. I'll just fucking put up with knowing all this horrible shit now and vagabounce to Dream. (Dream makes way MORE sense now. And is all about NOT repeating yourself. I need that.)

There's so much more I want to say but it's so hard to articulate I feel like my head is going to explode, so fuck it.

Perhaps it was a good thing that our first reported Quartz session was spent almost entirely in a coma. I understand some of this, like how repetition could manifest as obsessive-compulsive tendencies, or how Quartz is more "grim" than Time (Time will make you face Doomed Timelines and dead timeclones over and over again, but fundamentally offers a chance to set things right, while repetition means you dwell on things). I also feel the "Fate and Mind are the same actually" frustration, as a devoted Fate hater backed with a degree in epistemology.

But everything you said about Time and "making things retroactively never have happened" is incomprehensible. The only way you can make a thing that happened, not happen, is if you're suggesting that you're in a Doomed Timeline and will go back in time to prevent your Alpha Timeself from being attributed Quartz. Which, putting aside that there's little to no way you could influence Title Attribution (it happens pre-Entry, and time travel is locked to Entry), I have some extensions that alert me if I'm being contacted from a Doomed Timeline, so I can mentally prepare myself for them (or ignore them out of hand).

Ultimately, if Quartz is breaking your brain this badly, we don't need to continue this experiment. I admire how forthcoming you were when you rolled Quartz, but if you die or end up having a psychotic break (and then die), it'll be a waste either way. If you want to Vagabounce, I won't blame you, though I will warn you that your Land won't get re-rolled, so have fun with those urns and Rhystic. At least it won't feel like your brain is turning into hot soup in real time. Further investigations into Quartz can be done later. Time will tell if this is a natural feature of Quartz, or if you're just built different (worse) in this regard.

[sophieinwonderland]

Responding to this in an image since it had a link to an account I'm blocked by.

I'm going to preface this by saying that you're allowed to identify as whatever you want, and if your tulpa wants to go by something else, that's great.

Having said that, I don't support attempts at convincing other people to stop using the word tulpa. I don't think the appropriation narrative that was invented by anti-endos is legitimate. And I think that a strong tulpa community is too important to endogenic and plural acceptance.

I've gone over my own reasoning for my choices here.

But we cannot overstate the importance of that research.

The post you link claims that using the word tulpa is harmful. But it uses "harm" in a very abstract way. Most of the people spreading the anti-tulpa narrative aren't Buddhists. Of those that are, most of those aren't Tibetan Buddhists and haven't usually even heard of the term before getting involved in syscourse and listening to anti-endos.

How are people being harmed by us identifying as tulpas? I've yet to see anyone be able to actually articulate that.

But I can see the harm of continuing to live in a world where tulpas and endogenic plurality aren't accepted. We see this all around us.

People who have to keep secrets from their loved ones lest they be seen as crazy or liars, and ostracized. Tulpamancers who fear talking to their therapists about their tulpa because they don't want to be misdiagnosed with Schizophrenia or some other disorders. People who have to live a double life constantly, with the people around them never knowing who they really are. And the tulpas themselves suffer from not being able to have personal connections with others.

The academic research into tulpamancy is the BEST chance we have at achieving plural acceptance.

It's the best chance we have at shutting down the fakeclaimers both in and outside of the endogenic community, and maybe help make a world where endogenic systems don't have to be harassed for our very existence.

Researchers depend on being able to gather participants from hubs like tulpa.info and r/tulpas. If the tulpa community is divided, then research could stall or cease altogether. It could be years before we have another mostly-psychological community of created systems as a subject of research again. Years of systems suffering real psychological harm in a society that refuses to accept our existence.

And don't get me wrong... this research is only the first step. It's not going to instantly solve everything. But the sooner we can achieve that first step, the sooner we can achieve our longterm goals and make the world safer for endogenic systems.

I think it's easy for some unaligned and neutral DID systems who have neurological evidence supporting the existence of DID to minimize the importance of getting the same neurological evidence for endogenic and created systems.

They have nothing to lose if the studies into created systems can't continue because researchers can't gather the necessary participants.

But to us, anything that gets in the way of this research... anything that sets it back by even as much as a day, is completely unacceptable.

Identify by whatever feels comfortable with you.

But for myself, I'm going to keep identifying as a tulpa, providing resources on tulpamancy to others, and spreading awareness of tulpamancy because I believe that this is what's best for both the tulpa community and for the endogenic community as a whole.

[littledreamling]

I'm already regretting asking but I just came across you Sad Dreamling Headcanon™ and you hinted in your first post about it at more thoughts and feelings on it, would you like to spill them ? *braces herself*

Sorry for the unreasonably late response 😅 life got away from me but I’m finally back on my angst bullshit!

A fair few of my thoughts about these posts boil down to incoherent internal sobbing, laughing, and screaming.

Once we get past that, however, my mind turns towards the inevitable question: what happens next?

Obvious comic spoilers (and a warning that I haven't finished the comics, nor do I have easy access to the ending so any mistakes are... now part of the AU because I said so)

----

Daniel takes on the mantle of Dream of the Endless. He's not sure he ever had a choice; he's not sure he would've said no even if he did. Morpheus had prepared him for the ascension, his memories behind a thin gossamer veil, both his and not his. Nothing, however, could've prepared him for this.

The first pang had felt like what he assumed a heart attack would feel like: a vice grip around the heart he didn't have. But it was his first moment of consciousness in his new body and the pain was overshadowed by the overwhelming onslaught of memories and knowledge that flooded his brain, a tidal wave of Dream of the Endless. The pain fell by the wayside, minuscule in comparison.

By the time he had gotten used to the crushing weight in his mind, he had gotten so busy that he didn't have time to pay attention to his physical body. He wasn't even totally sure he had a physical body anymore. His inherited realm was in ruins, invaded and destroyed by the Kindly Ones, left to rot. One by one, he restored his precious dreams and nightmares, beings that he had intimate memory of lovingly created, despite never having touched them before. His skin was new; his subconscious was not.

There was one part of the Dreaming, however, that refused to heal. It was a void, a dark stain in the very fabric of his realm. It relocated so often that he didn't even notice it at first; indeed, it took far too long for the moving black hole to catch his attention. It took even longer for him to realize it was expanding. Not enough to be spotted immediately, just enough to be concerning.

He doesn't investigate it alone. He might've inherited his mind from Morpheus, but his common sense came from forces beyond even his predecessor. Lyta Hall hadn’t given birth to a fool.

He takes Matthew with him. Matthew had become an invaluable ally in his painfully short journey of ascension and they make their way, together, towards the black hole, watching as it writhes and twists in the air, unnatural and revolting. When Matthew cannot make heads or tails of the strange void, Daniel calls for Merv. He stomps up, a cigarette clamped between his pumpkin lips, and promptly declares ignorance, every other word an expletive that Daniel, had he been mortal, had he been human, would not have heard for another two decades.

It is Lucienne who approaches, hesitantly, almost apologetically.

“My Lord,” she hedges, “your siblings are at the gates, requesting an audience.”

Daniel has never had siblings before. Now he has six. He suddenly finds himself nervous, in ways that he’s not sire he could ever articulate, if pressed. He’s suddenly intimately aware of his own youth.

“Dream,” Desire greets when the gates open, oddly solemn. Perhaps not oddly. Their brother has just died. Their brother is standing before them. It is a solemn affair. Death and Despair, too, are grim-faced. This, too, is not odd. Daniel knows this.

“Do not call me that,” he says, though he knows not why. Dream is who he is. Dream of the Endless. No one else can possess the mantle. Morpheus has no claim to it anymore. “My name is Daniel.”

“Daniel,” Death greets, and it sends a wave of warmth through him. He had not realized that Dream of the Endless played favorites so heavily among his own family.

“Death. Desire. Despair.”

He greets each of them in turn. Daniel will not play favorites. Clean slate.

“Daniel,” Desire starts, then stops. Daniel has never known Desire to have shame or reluctance. “I have no doubt that you have noticed.”

Daniel tilts his head. He says nothing. Morpheus had bestowed upon him a healthy respect for the impact of silence.

“The remnants,” Desire continues. “Of Morpheus’… desire.”

“The void.” Daniel confirms. “It is growing. It is… my desire?”

“It is the desire of Dream of the Endless,” Desire says. “Passed down from Morpheus to you, an unlucky hand of cards.”

Daniel wants to close the gates, suddenly. He does not want to hear any more ways in which his predecessor failed. His realm of ruins has been enough.

“Daniel,” Death says. “It will continue to grow. It’s not a desire you can get rid of. It’s inherited love for a man you will never meet.”

“Hob Gadling.”

Daniel does not miss the way Death flinches at the name.

“Hob is dead,” Despair speaks up for the first time. “The love that Morpheus had for him lives on. It has nowhere to go. It will consume you and your entire realm. Morpheus started a cycle that no one can stop. Dream of the Endless will cease, doused by Endless Devotion.”

Silence descends. It is a peculiar silence, only possible in the Dreaming; a complete stillness, a bated breath, an enduring flatline, moments or hours before a restarted heartbeat.

“Morpheus spelled my doom.” Daniel says. It is not a question.

“I am here to offer my hand,” Death replies. “My gift. You need not suffer under what Morpheus has wrought.”

“And if I do? If Despair spoke truly, my death will achieve nothing,” Daniel says. “An endless cycle.” It is difficult not to place emphasis on his newly-received family name. If his siblings are to be believed, he will not wear it for long. “If Despair spoke truly, my successor will suffer the same fate, and their successor beyond. Dream of the Endless will cease.”

There are no answers; the Endless siblings have none to give.

“Thank you, my siblings,” Daniel says at last. “I must return to my realm. Morpheus has left me with many pressing issues, his devouring love notwithstanding. I must attend to as many of my duties as I can before passing on my helm.”

True to his word, Daniel continues his function, restoring his realm to its former glory, shining and resplendent, steadfastly fighting against the ever-growing darkness that ravages every corner of the Dreaming it brushes against. Daniel can feel it, in the hollow space behind his ribs, an expanding mass of anguish; the love of a dead man for a dead man.

Time works differently in the Dreaming. It could have been decades, centuries, millennia. In the end, it doesn’t matter. Daniel is dying. The Dreaming is dying. Darkness presses against the throne room door, the last standing fragment of his beloved realm. His subjects huddle together, scared, their gazes drawn again and again to the stone door, cracking and splintering against the weight.

Daniel knows what he must do. His death will ensure the continuation of the Dreaming, if only for a short while. There is power in youth, power enough to stave off such overwhelming grief. His successor will have power Daniel only had upon first ascending. Power to keep the Dreaming alive. Power Daniel no longer has. It is time.

“Death,” Daniel says. “I am ready.”

[infernalhomo]

why does how to be a dog annoy you

I'm so glad you asked! I got kind of carried away thinking about how to articulate why, so long answer under the cut.

TL;DR; it annoys me for mostly pretty subjective reasons. The composition feels muddled, the theme falls flat, and I dislike anthropomorphization as it is used here.

First: form and prosody. I like poetry when it uses meter or rhythm well; when the underlying structure of the verse communicates the intended theme and emotion as much as the actual words, imagery and metaphors do. That's why I find these types of free verse prose poems to be kind of hit or miss, and this one is a miss.

It feels unfinished and superficial. The sentences are clumsily arranged and feel disconnected from each other. It doesn't flow well, there's no distinct cadence, it neglects to use any common poetic techniques that would identify it as a poem (for me) — it doesn't read like poetry (in my opinion).

Second: theme. Whatever emotion or imagery it sets out to evoke; it doesn't manage to do it. Andrew Kane writes on Rattle.com:

"This poem is [...] an exploration of what it would mean to both be a dog and to be a person who takes on the mantle of a dog’s life, which is to say, to be a person actively palpating the vastness and the limitations of their own empathy. [...] Above all, though, this is in fact a poem about dogs.”

I don't get any of this from it. To me it reads like a first draft; a train of thought from the perspective of a person who doesn't know much about the life of a dog or how a dog perceives the world, and hasn't really spent all that much time thinking about it either. There's no purpose to the dog imagery. It reads like a human writing about a human experience, hiding under a superficial dog metaphor. It's not about dogs at all.

Third, and most subjective of all: I hate hate hate this kind of haphazard use of animal anthropomorphization in poetry. I'm very autistic about animals and animal behaviour — have been since age 4 — so I've spent my entire life wondering and speculating about the internal lives of various animals. It's a topic that involves a lot of scientific research into how different animals take in and process external stimuli, and how that informs their internal experience of the world, and how that in turn might influence the way they make decisions or react to situations.

My opinion on the topic is that any attempts to literally "take on the mantle of a dog's life" in the form of poetry will fail, because we cannot accurately express the internal emotion of a dog in human language.

Using anthropomorphization as a literary vehicle to tell a human story is another thing entirely; it can be done well. But doing it well requires purposeful use of further poetic technique beyond the surface-level animal metaphor, so that the actual intended theme becomes apparent to the reader from under it. This poem doesn't succeed in doing that.

Also the whole thing just feels very bleak. It takes a very dim view on human-dog relationships. Like it makes me want to ask: do you people treat your dogs this thoughtlessly? Is this how you view the relationship between dogs and humanity; bleak, neglectful, violent control?

[tortoisesshells]

1, 3 and 4 for the writing excerpt meme? :D

1. ... that makes me smile:

Customs doesn't usually have much for anyone to smile about, and they're five minutes away from an extraordinarily loaded conversation about justice, but for now, Nellie thinks Ursa Minor looks like a goose:

“Well, your education was likely significantly more comprehensive on this score than mine, Commodore.” “Undoubtedly. But Nellie, I really cannot see a goose.” She sighed, and glanced up at him. “If you are determined to laugh at me –” “I am not laughing –” “James.” “I am not laughing now,” he amended, “I am curious. What you see is what you see. I cannot tell you that you are wrong there.” “If you promise,” she said, and raised a hand to gesture at the sky, again. “There, the North Star. That’s the head. Those little stars arcing behind it are the long neck. The little box – the one with the other bright star in the lot, I don’t know it’s name but you see it, there? – that’s the body of the thing. I suppose I’ve been imagining that its wings are folded in – that it’s paddling about on some mill pond in the sky.” When described in this way, it did resemble a goose peering into the shallows for food. James said so, and Nellie, limited by the darkness as his perception of her was, fairly preened.

3. ... that encompasses my style:

Answered here, but: I don't usually do kid/adolescent narrators, but this passage from had you not better make One of us does have my usual belaboring of historical detail for characterization, and a character playing chicken and losing with their own emotions and memory. Also, I do think this one of my better attempts at Elizabeth from POTC at any age:

She frowned at this – why on earth would a man not want to travel? Instead of being stuck in a great dreary northern place which (Elizabeth glanced over at her father’s prized globe, finding this Massachusetts Bay by the great ungainly sweep of a cape that always put her in mind of a prize-fighter’s arm) probably had bears and snow. She had not seen the latter in some two years, and did not miss it at all – she had never seen a bear, though, since Papa had a weak constitution and tended to faint at the sight of blood, which meant for all her pleading she’d never seen the baiting-pits in Paris Garden in London – or anywhere else, besides. She had seen a bear skull once, in one of her father’s friend’s curio-cabinets, between curious-looking coins of long-dead Roman emperors and rocks that man had (in a superior tone which immediately made Elizabeth lose interest) called glossopetrae. Someone later told her that those hand-sized rocks they were ancient shark-teeth, which had set her to staring at the inscrutable waves with fear and fascination. But she was ignoring the conversation, which she ought not to do – she was something like the lady of the house, even though she was too young for the position she’d inherited when Mama had – “Then your family is in Massachusetts Bay?” she asked quickly, to stem the unwelcome thoughts she’d just had.

4. ... with dialogue I'm proud of:

Answered here, but! Love a character who says outrageous things with a smile. From another shoreline, in another life:

Roger snorted. “It’s the fire for us, Vicki. You might as well find your comfort where you can.” She glanced at him, chewing at her lip for a half-moment. “Ought I to – take one of the other rooms?” “Don’t be ridiculous. Take advantage of the foresight of our ancestors and stay by the stove.” “I’d like to lie down.” He looked at her, unsure at first, and then – entertained. “And you would rather a door be between us? You are taking this journey into the past very seriously. It’s not 1866.” Vicki demurred, feeling as though she had to explain herself, but not finding the words for what she meant to say. She was his sister’s employee – his son’s tutor – she’d need another job after this one, whenever that was. None of it was very articulate, and she watched miserably as Roger add another log to the stove. “If it distresses you that much,” he said, looking over his shoulder at her, with an expression she could not have parsed even in the frank light of day, “I will take one of the other rooms. Though – I’m not enough of a gentleman not to ask for your coat.”

send me a number and I'll share an excerpt of my writing!

[hypnotic-kink]

Greetings, Most Hypnotizing of Alphas.

I was curious: what are your thoughts on Subs who "Top from the Bottom"?

Also, please enlighten us plebian masses on the greatness of Klaus Mikaelson :)

P.S. Your Posts are amazingly tasteful yet kinky.

Love this question! I'm not a fan of topping from the bottom which I feel is different than a playful brat. Why would a Dominant want a submissive that is constantly disobeying orders, having the audacity to tell her/his Dom what to do, etc.? Perhaps the sub is confused and is really a switch. But If I were a Dominant, I'd be finding another if topping from the bottom continued because what is the point if they're going to do the controlling. With that said, I've done it in one aspect only lol, but in a healthier way because my submission is a little different than most. Being an Alpha, I'm stubborn, i tend to test a Dominant. it's my way of ensuring the Dom is strong enough and can keep me in check. I need strong and firm. I lose respect if they let me walk all over them, so yes, it's testing them at times, esp. at the beginning. So, in this scenario, it's more encouraging Him to reign me in. I *NEED* Him to reign me in! I surely don't want to get my way in everything, I want to feel owned. His way not mine does that and also lets me feel I am pleasing Him, so He pleases me in turn. I have a safe word and will use it if too much control is making me uncomfortable. I lose respect and am disappointed if a Dom cannot step up to the plate so to speak. Doms I've been with know this about Alphas though, challenging for sure. Once I know He is strong and firm enough to handle me, I tend to stop doing that.

Can't say I'm not a playful, feisty, and mischievous brat at times. The Dom already knows I'm *obviously* provoking some playful fun (e.g. a spanking, etc.) I don't feel a Dom should stifle me to become a different person or a floor mat so usually this is enjoyable for both of us but it's completely different than topping from the bottom since I make it obvious to my Dom why I'm acting the way I am. Hope that clarifies the difference to me.

❤️ KLAUS MIKAELSON ❤️ For those that don't know, an actor, Joseph Morgan, starring in the lead role of the vampire show "The Originals." Where do I being, haven't crushed on a character in a show in a lonnnnng time. i know it's ridiculous, but I don't care :) Everything that draws me to this character: His demeanor, his accent, how articulate and witty he is, his anguish, his sarcasm, how protective he is, he's charming, good looking, his decisiveness and how He interacts with the other characters is what does it for me and the ultimate 'bad boy" but loves so deeply in the show doesn't hurt either. Of course, it's a character in a tv series, but lemme tell ya, in a fairytale world, He can bite my neck anytime ;)

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi! This is my first ask, I hope I followed all the rules, I'm 🪐, and I just wanted a bit of advice/reassurance

TW: descriptions of religious trauma, physical/emotional abuse, descriptions of trauma symptoms such as gaps in memory

I'm leaving home for university soon and I've wanted to, for a long time, have some space from my family and the church I grew up in. I don't know what I believe, but I'm sure that don't align myself with what I was raised to believe growing up, and I have a lot of trauma and self worth issues due to a lot of the teachings. I don't know what my purpose is or how to think for myself because I've learned to believe that my life is worthless without god, all the achievements I have are not because of me but because of god (hence the imposter syndrome I have) etc etc. The problem is, everyone expects me to go to a branch of the church where my university is. I don't want to and I know it will warrant questions and anger from my family and church community and I don't think I want to face that.

My mum and I have had a rocky relationship throughout my life. she's hit me (and threatened to hit me) multiple times when I was younger as part of "discipline" (and due to my bfrb), as well as invalidate my feelings and forced me to obey her every word because the Bible said I should. Even though now we are on better terms, she's learning to apologise for things she's done in the moment, she doesn't hit me anymore and she actually listens to me sometimes, I can still see the impact my childhood experiences have had on me. I'm horribly afraid of making mistakes, I've internalised her criticising attitude towards me, I cannot articulate my feelings because I'm so used to burying them, I'm a people pleaser and other things. She's also homophobic/transphobic (due to my church's teachings) so I've been hiding my identities from her every since I've learned more about myself. Sometimes I even doubt my own identities because what if she's right? What if I'm just demonic and confused and that I've been indoctrinated? (I know I haven't but still, thoughts like this creep up on me)

[I've had therapy for a few months which has help unravel some of this but I'm leaving school so I need to find a new therapist, which is very daunting]

What I don't know is whether it's justifiable to want to have space from her and not talk to her for at least the first year of uni. I don't know how I'd explain these things to her since I get quite emotional/cry a lot and I don't have the language to articulate exactly what's wrong. Equally, a lot of my childhood memories have been "blocked out" (there are extended periods of my childhood I don't remember) possibly due to trauma so I feel like I won't be able to defend myself.

I also really want to leave this church, but I'm scared. It's all I've ever known for as long as I remember and sometimes I get plagued with guilt/fear of eternal punishment for not believing in what I was taught to believe. I also don't want family members and people from there to try and convince me to return or try to talk my out of it, because I'm scared I'll crumble and go back to that environment where I'm instructed to be a certain person and want particular things from my life. I feel really trapped. It's going to take me a lot of time to untangle everything, and I really want to, but I'm also scared I'll never find a solid community and place to exist outside work and school (especially in times like this). I desperately want to feel okay and not be so afraid of the future and living life for myself, but I understand that it'll take me some time to trust my emotions and ability to make decisions and to learn how to find community again. It feels so big, like it's casting a shadow on my everyday life and I can't enjoy anything anymore.

Any advice on how to navigate these big thoughts would be appreciated!

-🪐

[I hope this wasn't too long!]

Hi 🪐,

I'm happy to assure that your ask was certainly not too long, and would like to extend my sympathies for your experiences and current struggles. To me, it makes all the sense in the world that your day to day, and foreseeable future, are deeply impacted by the events of childhood and current situations. You were not modeled healthy emotional regulation by your caregiver, and sadly were abused by the one person who you should have been safe with. From personal experience, I'd like to extend an extra gentle hug for the grief, and full range of emotions, that might crop up during your untangling process as you continue down your healing journey.

I wasn't 100% sure if you were looking to potentially still be part of some kind of religious/spiritual community, heal from the current one, or a bit of both? But this ask includes several books, and a work book, about healing from spiritual abuse, yet aimed for people who still have some sort of faith belief and hope to continue with some kind of spiritual practices (however, this is aimed for Christian spiritual abuse, and if you're looking for a different faith group resource, my hope is that the links/hashtags/words included in the book references might be a good starting point on a Google search). I also had an ask for someone who was exploring a different religion, seeking community, and yet the guilt, too. You can find my response to that here, but here's a highlight I hope might resonate with you, too:

I still think that anyone interested in spiritual practices can decide the boundaries for themselves on what uplifts them, what brings joy and connection - because religion and spirituality, though possible to do with others, is still, at the end of the day, a personal experience.

I think with you transitioning to college, there's a cultural understanding that you'll be exploring things on your own a bit, and though yes, it is quite possible that your family, and/or community might imply pressure as to what exploring those dynamics might look like for you, there's opportunity for freedom here.

What I mean by that, is it's fairly easy to get off the phone when you say, "Gotta study" "Gotta get to class" etc - if someone in your classes, or a student in the hallway tries to bring up a subject you're not comfortable with, I'd encourage you to share that you aren't going to discuss something, but it's certainly not rude to share you're busy and would like to circle back to another topic, another time (because you'll definitely be busy with uni!).

If someone actually has the gall to follow after you, or I don't know, unexpected family visits - you have the right to seek safety and shelter, and discuss with campus security what your options are. Though this is the most extreme example I can think, and I only bring it up to assure that you have the power to set the boundaries of who has access to you.

I'd imagine the biggest headache might be the breaks/holidays, where you might go home (or not, nothing says you have to, and you could always be needing to stay on campus to catch up on projects). But if you do, here's an article about setting some boundaries with family during the holidays (and one more) that I hope might encourage you.

Regardless of the process, length of time it take, or the winding journey as you heal - you are worthy of people in your life who love, and encourage you. You are worthy of healing, and I'm proud of you for taking the steps towards independence with both therapy (and wish you luck on finding another soon - definitely ask your campus for some mental health resources, they might have some therapists there!) and seeking higher education. Wishing you all the best ~

- Mod Kat

[alazyparallelworld]

Everyone Should be nice to you or I'll blow them up! (<- lighthearted, but the sentiment remains (nodding wisely).) I followed you originally bc of your kokichi ftes I think (poor memory - I think it was them, though!), just because of how well they read in characterization of ouma & saihara - I've stuck around because I like reading things from you/seeing you on my dash, and I really enjoy your art!! It's immensely fun, I really enjoy your lines and your colours when you use them and just how expressive it can be, and your quadrupedal art clicks with me in a way I don't know how to articulate but definitely enjoy! I've not been following too long, so we're mostly strangers, I think - on anon just cause I'm shy - but you do brighten up my dash being on it :}

This is probably a little late for the initial request, but I wanted to say. <:{ I hope things ease up on you, comrade (- 🐈‍⬛)

i enjoy it whenever i get the "WHO ARE YOU" interactions, which are rare actually. im perceptive (too much for my own good) to a degree... so, yes, i have no idea who you are. admittedly if i dug thru the timeline of this i could likely gauge but. Uh. Uhm (realizes he sounds crazy. expected, but accidentally creepy now. coughs, and continues, redfaced)

so.... don't worry anon.... you being shy is nice for me as well... its a fun 'hmmm... nope, no idea' - consider it special occasion?!

HAH thank you re: characterization. its smth i pride myself in. i am, MUCH LESS, nervous around my writing than my art which might be obvious...? i rarely share, thus i dont oft get feedback, so im. [holding this compliment, cherishing it] thank you... again... jeez sorry, im saying that a lot, usually im more. pppprofound is a substitute word, but i imagine you get the gist... "better spoken, more Emotive, and eeking thoughts out of the viewer-" is complicated and there is a non-egoistical word for it but i cannot. think.

anyways - i am - glad that my general musings whether in ramble/art/occasional writing gives you good feelings. worry not, i will always make them... for your enjoyment, as i create for others -w-