#can't wait to try and go it alone!
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Polychromos and luminance pencils on Duralar drafting film
#stuff i draw#artists on tumblr#dog#i genuinely can't believe I drew this#I've been doing an online art course to learn how to draw animals#and learning so much#can't wait to try and go it alone!#but I'm not quite there yet
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TO ME, THAT’S CINEMA
#tomgreg#so i've seen this around a lot and ppl have already made points but like holy fuck. hoooly fuck lmao where do i begin#TOM THOUGHT THE ROOM WAS EMPTY FOR UH ... FOR WHAT BITCH??#empty for what. you two just going in there ALONE. what for. strategizing? ok but then why was greg showing you tonight's selection.#even if it was girls it's still sus bc like who tf goes specifically to a room to show that shit.#oh by the way i listened again and tom says first ''why do we have to...'' so GREG asked for the room?#greg asked them to go to an empty room. slut.#anD THEN AFTER SAID ''I WANNA GIVE YOU'' BITCH!!!!!!!!1#are we sure it's girls though...... like does it say later. i'll keep watching but Christ. LIKE. WHAT THE FUCK#how am i supposed to read this other than an affair lmfao and then he says ''go on'' and sends greg off away like a little pet#sick to bastard death of them god#so it's like. greg says can we go somewhere private and tom says why do we have to#greg says i wanna give you... and tom says what do you wanna give me annoyed like#girl we are at work and we are trying to stay alive can't you wait til we are at home for me to clap them cheeks#and then greg says a preview of tonight's selection... of what? could be alcohol could be sexy stuff could be mf. clothes idk#and then they look up like O FUCK the room is in use and it's fucking SH*V and immediately tom is like GO ON and greg#doesn't even stutter or say anything like usual he's just like SORRY and leaves immediately bc he KNOWS he gotta gtfo#sorry i'm just. poetic cinema indeed
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(cw vent, sorry it's just been A Couple Of Days)
Not really having many irl friends comes at the price of feeling so terribly lonely, I feel like I have no one to talk to because I'm not close to enough people, or maybe I am and I just haven't talked to them in a while and I don't want this to be our first conversation qwq
I'm honestly just. Tired, tbh qwq
#I mostly talk to my partner#But they've been more absent lately and like they have their own life#But the second they're gone I realize I don't talk to anyone that much#I used to have someone else I spoke to daily; it was an awful friendship though and it took a lot of struggle to end it#But god; just qwq; I'm so tired of everything qwq#Honestly I'm disappointed in how upset it makes me that my partner is more absent because I know it's bc they've found a game they're into#And have been playing non-stop#They'll come telling me that they've done this and that and I'll be struggling HARD and will try to mention it at some point but#But like I wanna leave them their space to be excited but I just#Look. Look the NPD is getting to me; and I know these are not kind or fair feelings but#But I hate it here; I don't care about their game; I don't care about what they've done;#All my brain focuses on is that I've had a shitty fucking day and everything's gone wrong and they weren't here#Because they were fucking playing#And I know that's not fair for MANY reasons and that voicing all that would make me a massive asshole#And that at its core; it's more of a matter of never going anywhere; not having people to hang out with;#Not leaving my house nor talking to that many people#I feel so lonely and so fucking hollow qwq#My bag got taken away and I feel like I've lost an intrinsic part of myself#And to top it all off; I had today's exam and the project I'm doing#And my dad screaming and my period coming and all the things I have to do and how much I yearn for friends#Yet when I'm with my friends I can't wait to be alone#Man; just#I didn't wanna go this far; and I only say it here because no one's really gonna read it;#But I genuinely just wanna kill myself at this point#There's no point nor reason#I'm trying hard to enjoy life but nothing goes my way#I have so many things I want to do and nothing fucking goes my way#I'm so tired; I just want to go to sleep and not wake up; it's gnawing and clawing and it's such an ugly feeling qwq#I feel like if I cut myself I'd be even more pathetic; I wouldn't even be met with sympathy; just. Disappointment#It's been a while since I last self-harmed in a way that was visible
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What a good episode. Maaaaaan
#I can't even start I'd be here forever#It did take me in fact like one hour total to watch it lmoa. It sooooo good!!! The animation is very good#(albeit it's awfully low on brightness at times. But such seems to be the sin of lot of recent media unfortunately)#but I'm not even going to dwell on that. The plot / storytelling is so good. Sooooo god. I adore this arc.#Love the symbolism. I've been saying this for almost two years now (is it really been that long ever since these episodes came out... ) but#I want to write an analysis on the op & ed so baddd. The emphasis on the twilight this episode!!#Like the sun was setting on the detective agency. I love love love the hd. They're so cool in this episode and they're so cool in general.#I ADORE Jouno. I don't feel particularly strongly for sue/giku yet their scenes are so cute and funny. I see why people ship them.#Even Tetchou I don't usually care much about is so !!!!! I love all the hd so much fr!!!!!!!!!!#I love love love Jouno. Like much like it is for Akutagawa I'm very weak for characters that aren't really good people.#But they're still trying to be a better person than they were. And oftentimes they end up doing a terrible job!!#But the fact alone that they're //trying// has me ougheueueueu. Here in this episode you can see Jouno–#sliping very easily in his cruel / sadistic habits. But he is trying to be a person that cares for others! He made good actions in the past#and he will again in the future even though right now he's acting like this! Because improvement isn't linear! I love him tonsss#And DON'T get me started on the ada. Yosano's “Welcome” scene. I love women. I love women. Yosano please one chance#KENJI'S SCENE God I needed this. How could I forget the way this literllyyyyy rewinded my brain when I read the manga for the first time.#That scene is so deep and poignant and so so meaningful I. Oughhh#I am going to run out of tags am I not#Kyouka saving Atsushi!!!!!!! That scene is one of my all time favourites. It makes me soft to remember when the s4 trailer dropped–#I was so overjoyed for that bit of them holding hands :') Rightfully so!!! It's so cute.#Her coming back to save Atsushi. The “don't worry– I didn't kill them” direct towards Atsushi–#that is so so Akutagawa and it sends me insane hhhhhhgggggggggg#Kunikida!!!!! His “I'm not leaving anyone behind”!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not precisely Kunikida's first fan but aaaaaahhh he makes me feel–#so much for him in this scene!!!!! Mmmhhh one last note would be. It bugs me a little how the ada is defined terrorist by the military–#forces starting this episode? I don't have space to elaborate properly but. An action to be considered terrorism must have clear political–#orientation and goal. Violence alone isn't enought to be defined terrorism. It's an incorrect use of the word#Up to the next episode!!! Can't wait to see more Atsushi 🥰🥰#random rambles#It's late now and probably most are asleep rn... Then I'll be queing my posts for tomorrow probably
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the next person that tells me what i need is to be around more people is gonna die, i literally just went outside for half an hour and i already hate people 10% more
#an old guy that was standing still staring at me and smirking i was this close to spit on him#this other guy going hi?? how you doing? and starting to have a conversation with me when i was literally sprinting to get away#why is it that only creepy guys like me? jesus a normal one. one normal one is all i'm asking#and then ofc i got honked at cause people can't even wait one fucking second#i'm one step away from snapping it's already a stressful week#will it end?#let it be monday 23#this whole day at work i was looking forward to just get back home and relax and be alone and ugly in peace but no#had to run an errand for someone#and that already screwed with my plans#i didn't even enjoy my junk food#and then i got to be around people!! :))) my favorite activity!! :)))))))))))#i'm starting to think it's me#why am i so dunb? huh? i never bother other people i try to ask for help as little as possible (also 'cause they tend to not give it to me)#but people just think they can have a say in my life and just make plans with MY time just cause i don't have kids hence i don't do shit#and they're only friends when they need something from me
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you know when you're in da overwhelm zone due to Circumstances that you don't really have power over. well it's really hard to deescalate from that i am finding!
HOWEVER i am attempting:
FACING THE THINGS because the longer they loom. the longer they are looming for.
regular breaks from Addressing Everything
regular snacks/meals/drinks
prioritising
postponing stuff that can be left until later (But watch out!)
doing other things in advance that are easy to do now (such as stockpiling meals ready for feeling more ill)
asking for help where i can
#every day i am feeling more unwell in a new way. BUT going to the dr later in the week.#there are other things that need sorting but i can't do them alone so i'm Waiting to get help with them.#i have asked for help (or will do when#circumstances allow) so that's really good! but the waiting.#feeling like i am doing A Bad Job but i think that's just because i'm super 'alone in my house not going out' at the moment due to being#extra ill. and barely talking to people for the same reason. so it's very easy to get stuck in my head where i am only thinking of myself#and therefore only blaming myself because my whole scope is 'dealing with right now (just me)'.#like things are going bad and it feels like that's because of me. but i don't think it is. i'm trying really hard!#which doesn't = doing good. but also like. struggling to see what i should/could do differently with my current resources you know.#ANYWAY. god. it's tuesday. you could say there are some problems. but we stay silly.#and stay facing the problems and gradually working through them!!!#i just wanna have the energy to properly be involved in the lives of the people i care about :( ONE DAY!!!!!!!!!!
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#i don't like when a character feels like they're supposed to be relatable but i can't relate to them#like there was this normal setting of a 16 y/o girl going to school and she's the only main character other than her dad who is almost 50#so obviously she's going to be a fleshed out character#and she's in history class and her teacher's divorced#and the moment her teacher shows a hint of sadness the narrator is like 'she imagined mrs. sonso touching herself alone at night etc.'#and the description continues for like four lines#i read this book at 15 and again recently like 😭😭 i've personally never thought things like that about teachers it just feels invasive#or anyone else for the matter#and i don't like how the author's trying to be like 'look this is the mind of a 16 year old girl' and to a predominantly adult audience#it sucks that i'm thinking so much about it because it's literally a minor part of the book there are so many other more meaningful topics#i don't know what most people around my age think i'm completely in the dark apart from the things i read online and in books like these#i can't help but feel a little alone bc i know it's normal to let your mind wander i just don't think much about this sort of stuff at all#and i don't know if it's because i'm still young and i'll grow out of it one day but i've been waiting to grow out of it for a long time#idk i think it's not normal whenever i read intimate scenes by a certain point you'd think at very least i'd be desensitised#and i've tried but it's like every time i read it has an adverse effect on my mind#anyways...
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just found out that Studio Bones had to cut certain scenes from the manga because it would violate broadcasting codes (aka like PG-13 ratings I think). I think it refers to two scenes during the Mogami Arc (because of course that's where the scenes were). Apparently Minori STABS Mob with a boxcutter?!?! And also she and her gang kills the stray cat.
what the actual fuck are you telling me that the Mogami Arc could have been darker?!
I am sitting here in shambles. They really do make middle schoolers tougher in Japan.
#mp100#enpr-ss#and also studio bones cut out a scene where a student shoots Shibata during the World Domination Arc?#kinda strange though#because didn't Sakurai pull out a gun and try to shoot Reigen and then Shimazaki and then Reigen does the same to Suzuki#eh whatever I don't really care about that#look at Minori trying to be a sukeban and all that#can't wait to rewatch everything and get my mind exploded all over again#not only does Mob go psycho but so do 100% of the other characters#and the audience as well#the openings alone make me bonkers and not in the good way#just me going “What the FUCK is going on?”
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Ok real talk, looking for advice from other DnD’ers... at what point do you just nuke your character?
Rant/more info in tags.
#the group I play in (not the group I run) aka my first venture into DnD#they told me to play as a bard.#no one told me how f*cking hard it is to try to manage a bard#let alone to be USEFUL as a bard in a mid level experienced campaign with power gamers and lots of dungeon crawls#after slogging my way through the first ten or so combat scenarios and realizing I am quite literally useless#I found fun again by just becoming chaos unhinged#I touch things I shouldn't#i drink things I shouldn't#I basically live by the motto 'eh we all die sometime' and just do things to spice up the game/make things interesting#but any time there's combat I position myself outside the fighting somehow#most recently everyone went inside to search a property and I stayed outside petting the ponies#because I know I can't be useful and would only be in the way/prolong things#but comments have started getting made that honestly make me want to not play at all#our last game I sent a PM to the DM asking if my character should mysteriously disappear or kill herself#because I could tell that everyone was annoyed with me and it just instantly stopped being fun#I spent the remaining two hours in silence with my mic muted crying and waiting for the game to be over#I talked to the DM and he said that there are lots of things I can do#I reminded him I have only successfully dealt damage once in the entire campaign and it was like 2 points#I told everyone I just want to stay out of combat so I'm not in the way#I believe I phrased it 'I'm going to go be useless somewhere else'#but everyone is mad when I don't fight#and frustrated when I do because it takes so long and I never accomplish anything#and I know we're nowhere near the end of the campaign#I like my character a lot... I just want to stay out of combat until I level up enough to be useful
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So I was thinking over my Honkai Impact 3rd AU again and I remembered when I considered the bad ending. Where Error awakens as the Final Herrscher... only, there’s no Herrscher of Origin. There’s no Ink. Because they killed him.
So I created this little “what if” comic in my head (I can’t draw for shiiiiiiiiiite) and it’s basically about how Ink’s existence was a “mistake” and he only existed because of symmetry breaking, and how Error knows this. How he knows that the chances of Ink being reborn in a future timeline are zero but despite that he keeps waiting. He keeps appearing in these new timelines, hoping he’ll feel that familiar force pulling him towards the one person who could’ve truly understood him. But he never does.
Because Ink’s existence was a mistake. A fluke. A glitch, essentially. Error knows this, but he won’t stop waiting until he can finally meet him in person. Even if, in the back of his mind, he knows that time will never come.
#bro i be making myself cry with these two in this au#i love the dynamic i created for them#ink is really the only one who could come close to understanding error#because he was born a herrscher#so he never had anything that made him human#but he was also too different to be considered a herrscher#and ink was literally waiting for the day error would appear#they were trying to find each other in their little dream world and shit#only for ink to die#and now error's all alone#and he can't even go back to how things used to be#because he felt the desire to be near someone for the first time#ink's existence gave him a way to become separate from the honkai#it's like losing your soulmate#there's always going to be that hole in you#GOOD THING NONE OF THIS IS CANON TO THE AU THO#utmv honkaiverse au
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When I had that panic attack the other day, my girlfriend really put some things into perspective... I don't know, I think I feel bad because this is the best my life has ever been and I'm still depressed and anxious. It feels like I can't do anything for myself and the things I can do, I don't.
But she said that she would feel the same in my position. That actually, when she was the most depressed, she *was* in my position. She said she'd go crazy from not being able to do anything all the time and for some reason that helped a lot. Like, just to hear that its not wrong to feel like this and that I really am doing everything I can.
It feels so greedy and selfish to look at my life being the best it's ever been and to still ask for more but I guess it's normal.
#i genuinely havent processed how much better things can get still because it feels like it will never happen#like im probably going to be getting top surgery this year. almost definitely even#but i cant believe it. ive waited so long that it seems like somethimg *has* to mess this up for me too#my whole life people have treated me like i need to just push through my anxieties. if i just pushed through then id feel better#if i just pushed through then id be normal#but now its even worse. i cant leave my house without help and its not that i *wont* i actually can't#i can push myself to but it isnt normal. im internally on the verge of a panic attack anytime im outside alone or in an unfamiliar place#but people dont see those things. they just look at me and see that i can but i choose not to#how do i tell them that not every choice is that easy#ny choices arent what to eat for breakfast and which parent will pick up the kids from school#its whether i stay in my house anxious and depressed and pain or leave my house for the promise of it getting better#knowing that 9 out of 10 times it has made it much worse#its deciding whether or not to ask for help when you need support but the problem cant be 'helped'#trying to guage what people will and wont take it personally that i have problems they simply arent qualified to fix#and even some problems that no one can fix
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#personal#closetspngirl#found out information that I didn't want#and idk how to handle it#I've already cried#but I want to cry more#know The Bad Thing is going to happen before it happens fucking sucks#like#why do I have to know#why does he trust me that much#I don't want to lose my best friend#and now I have to wait three days to see if The Bad Thing happens#and if it does?#I'm alone#if it doesn't?#he's going to try again#I have no one to talk to#all my friends are in different (later) time zones#I can't rant or grieve on other socials since people will ask and he will see#so here I am in vague tumblr tags on an uncaptioned gif post#someone hold me while I cry myself to sleep
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Fell asleep around 2am while my roommate was talking/whining and I let it slide cuz "she'll eventually fall asleep too". It's 8am I just woke up and the bitch was still at it. Bitch have you been whining for 6 fucking hours?? About being TIRED?!?! Fuck you honestly I'm all for staying up all night and then whining that you're tired BUT NOT STAYING UP ALL NIGHT TO WHINE THAT YOU'RE TIRED
#had to put on my dean asmr on 3 instead of 1 to ignore her and 2 is already too loud for me thats how much i wanted her to stfu#bitch when i have a fucking meltdown I go OUTSIDE or at least I let ot out BEFORE coming back home stop fucking acting like you live alone#blasting netflix in the kitchen like I'm not there trying to listen to my own shit with HEADPHONES#can't wait to move out next year
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🥶
#i can't tell if my bedroom is actually so cold#or if my hands and feet are absolutely freezing due to my anxiety#but i'm going with anxiety bc like im wearing a sweatshirt and sweatpants in my bed with flannel sheets#and a thick comforter and another blanket on top of it#the thermostat says my house is 72 degrees but my feet have felt like icicles all day#but im also pretty sure they're sweating which is a little tmi#but im currently stressing over jury duty so 😗✌️#googling what kinds of things i might be asked so i can try to figure out answers that won't get me selected#which is difficult not knowing what kind of trial it's going to be#just hoping i give off enough anxious and biased vibes that i don't get selected#like my social anxiety has been hitting for the last few hours#i can call in a few hours and find out if i even have to show up and that alone is driving me insane#i can't do anything right now other than research this stuff#like i want to write or finish watching this show i've been watching but i can't enjoy anything right now i can only think about this#it's like the other night when i got the summons in the mail and literally didn't do anything with the rest of my day#was reading something earlier about waiting to be selected for jury duty and my heart was pounding and i was imagining it#and like thinking about how i'm definitely gonna feel like i'm going to puke tomorrow im gonna be so shaky#i haven't felt like this in like 5 years since i was last in school and had to worry about public speaking or big projects#like they gave me such bad anxiety i get so hot and red and like get a little buzzy in my ears... yknow casual things#so earlier i was freaking out thinking about how they select the jury foreman which i absolutely 100 percent cannot do#i can't speak up in public even when it was in front of a classroom of people i've known for years#i couldn't bring myself to speak up and ask questions or say thoughts for a discussion (to the point where i failed a project once bc of it)#but i've never been diagnosed with any form of anxiety by a doctor or anything like that so I don't know if i even have an anxiety disorder#but just like based off of a lot of things i've noticed over the years and the way that i'll like focus on a thing that's causing me stress#to the point where it's debilitating and i can't do anything except freak out about it#i'd say i've got something going on.... like back when i had that promotion offered to me at work and i literally cried in my room stressed#about the pressure of the position which i then only held for a few months bc i can't handle the social aspect of it#anyway i've ranted enough now i'm going to go and try to do like anything.... finish writing maybe
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#oh god i feel so suffocated here i think im going to die#like genuinely feel like im in a prison cell and so trapped no way out#there's no real other option other than suffer#and i feel so. not lonely. because im fine most of the day when im busy studying#but when the only break is talking to my dad. i start crying at even the littlest things#and i can't in front of him it never ends well so i have to control it and it's so difficult im a crier and i have to wait and wait#and then immediately as soon as the door is locked my knees get weak and i break down crying#i just want to talk to someone. never felt so alone before#like i want to tell my mom because he offered a way out like go back live at home in st#but mom will live here and you cook for your brother abd yourself on your own#and i wont let u go to a public gym and u have to visit every 1 month#i considered it but like. i think about her despressed as fuck in rishikesh#and me being like okay i finally made friends aftery trying and crying for one year i can't believe you're moving me again#i mean i didn't tell her but i thought it#but like yeah she says she was so depressed there because she was too away from her beloved relatives#so like how can i do this to her#and like. i mean i don't want to just live there for the sake of it i do study better under anxiety here#and food and no gym it's stupid#but like this whole option is so unfair and#he says dumb things like isn't it so nice to have a business like this we earn so much money and we're so independent#im like we?? excuse me?? you and you only#fuck i don't want to vent on tumblr about this it's not#it doesn't feel enough#it's just#the one person i could tell this to and she'd understand perfectly. and would somehow make me feel instantly better too#i can't talk to them anymore i don't know maybe my own fault but yeah#fuck at times like these i realise i haven't moved on ive just become good at not thinking about her#ill admit this now atleast. i miss her#feels weird to say her instead of you on tumblr of all places#it used to be ours
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#delete later#im so exhausted and stressed. theres such a lack of stability and its freaking me out SO much. im just constantly tense and waiting#for something terrible to happen. im starting to think that im not gonna get to go to the entomology thing ive been hoping#how i can't do things independently and i must have been forced into this abd rhen it'll get cruel towards my friends abd i cant#and my aunt is getting worse abd my parents are waiting for me to fail abd have to move bsck with them which i can't do bc#to go to for months bc ill probably need to use that time off for preparing to move. which sucks. ive been looking forward to it#i was letting myself get my hopes up and that was a mistake bc now im rly disappointed. im hoping i can go but honestly#idk if it'd be financially responsible. same with comic con. its in october so i can probably go but it might not be a financially#good idea. it just. the things i was counting on to be stable sources of joy are not stable anymore and that's making everything worse#and im tryinh to be positive but im so anxious. theres just so much. i need to think about packing and try to figure out#how im going to move 1-2 hours away. how am i going to coordinate with movers whilst having to get the train to meet them#im disabled and cabt help move things so only getting one person ro deliver worries me. movers arent insured to take ppl with them#theres just SO MUCH. And i can't view properties easily bc of work so im missing out on multiple places that ive been contacting#ppl about abd i couldnt line up enough for last week when i was off bc it was too short notice and i just. its TOO MUCH TOO MUCH#im overwhelmed. im trying to think of the food im gonna cook when im there ahd the armchair im gonna buy#im gonna eat so much fucking lamb and fish oh ny god im excited for THAT#i wany to just go for the shittiest place to at least have some stability and bc i still have yhat kernel of thought that i dont#deserve comfort but im trying to fight it bc i do. i deserve somewhere nice and its unfair on myself not to find somewhere nice#especially as ill be living alone. i cant go for places that have no natural light or are four stories up or are a mile away from the train#station bc that will wreck my mental health and i wont have ready access to socialising that can stabilise me. gotta be fair#to myself. but THATS PROVING REAL DIFFICULT#im doing good saving though so thats nice i guess. fuck me moving is expensive. moving when you've got zero kitchen supplies is#even more so. gonna be an Interesting first couple days in the new place.#it will be. very bad. they keep texting me asking about it and i have to be positive bc otherwise itll become a conversation about#field all that shit when im like this. i just cant. that requires so much fucking energy i dont have. and i wont move back#id frankly rather die. and trying to not say that and decline politely sucks. bc they get the look of#oh we're not good enough huh#and i can't field their fucking feelings. i either need a pause button or a fast forward. id take either one#so many of these tags ended up out of order whoops. but these arent meant to be read anyway#i just need to scream bc idk what else to do
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