#can't tell if i should just make this a weekly scheduled post or if i should just toss em out whenever i hit a limit. up to god

[mikkolas]

happy saturday caturday everyone. sadly this doesn't work because there isn't a cats game today but if you look into your soul there can be! | yeah these are all going to be max images now. I'm also unsure how we got here, yeah

[kangaracha]

QUEENMAKER | CHAPTER 24

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pairing chan x reader

genre ninth member au, angst, fluff, coming of age, social media, cancel culture, anxiety, depression, forbidden love,

summary To JYPE, the solution is simple; take the sole trainee that will not debut with your brand new girl group, and use her to replace the missing vocalist in your male group that insisted on starting as nine.

Unfortunately, to the fans and the members themselves, it isn't that simple.

status ongoing

taglist OPEN

a/n hi. it's me. i'm back. i don't have any excuses to make.

please also check out daybreak, posting weekly from now on (yes i did write an entire smau instead of queenmaker and sit on it for almost six months)

previous | masterlist | next

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Comeback approaches like a hurricane; it's there, developing in the corner of your eye just off the coast of your island, and then all at once it is here, and it is so all-encompassing that you're not even sure where here is anymore.

Comeback. Debut. The most important day of your life. One of those.

 Time starts to fly by; schedules and practice and filming and every so often the chance to sleep or to grab something to eat with the others. It drags at your coattails, sticks itself to your feet and settles like a weight upon your shoulders, but you can't stop. There are performances to film, and then there is a concert that you are missing so much of the choreography for, and even when all of that is over, you are headfirst into award season and special performances and group activities for the company and-

First, debut. Second, everything else.

The camera sits on the table in front of you, staring with one dark, unblinking eye as a brush darts across your face, erasing all your imperfections. It fills your stomach with a funny kind of fear, small but poisonous, stinging when you think about turning it on - you've managed to put it off so far, waiting until your face was made up to at least avoid having to see your own naked skin reflected back at you in the viewfinder. No one else wanted to see that either, you're sure, after the things you've read and...well, the experiences you've had in the past. It's good to know your limits, after all.

That excuse is fast running out now though, and the time to go up towards the stage is drawing closer with alarming speed, and if you don't capture any footage before that happens, you're in some real trouble, no matter how loudly Seungmin and Felix are churning out hours worth of content on the other side of the room.

It takes real, deliberate effort to lean forward and turn that camera on once the makeup artist proclaims you ready, your hands delaying still as they fiddle with the angle and the focus, following the motions the manager that had handed it to you had shown you before he left. It gives you a little red light to say it is filming, and you swallow down the stone in your throat and sit up straight, looking around at the room to avoid the stare of its lense.

The first minute of your vlog is very boring. It's probably only the thought of some stranger sitting in a room later and watching you sit there awkwardly for a ridiculous amount of time that spurs you into saying anything at all. 

"Hello Stay," you begin, because it seems the only way to begin. The words feel awkward in your mouth, your tongue stiff and undeserving of saying them, and your throat scratches and dries; you think, as you speak, that you do not sound like a singer at all. "It's nice to meet you...for the second time." 

A noise rises up from behind you, giving you pause just as you run out of things to say - Han, running his voice up and down the scales as he begins to warm up. You've gotten used to that by now, the volume of the boys around you, but you're grateful for the excuse to pause in your self-rumination anyway, the precious seconds it gives you to figure out what it is you're saying.

Act normal, you tell yourself firmly as you turn back to the camera.

"I guess I should introduce myself, shouldn't I?" you say, your fingers twisting in your lap. "I'm L/N Y/N from Stray Kids, and today we're at [] for our first performance of Back Door, and I have just finished with the makeup..."

In the corner of the viewfinder, you notice a face hovering over your shoulder; Jeongin, waving a peace sign just out of your field of vision. You turn to look at him, shuffling over so that he is in full view for the camera. "What are you doing?" you ask and he leans in closer, automatically fixing the angle for the camera.

"I just wanted to see what you were doing," he says, refreshingly peaceful compared to the chaos that is building in the rest of the room. "Is this a vlog?"

"Mhm," you answer, and he smiles and waves again to the camera. "Are you dressed already?"

"Nearly," he says, glancing down at his white shirt and the black necklace that dangles around his neck. "You have time still."

You glance down at yourself; hoodie and cargo pants, neat but not show-ready by any means. "Mine is cold," you say by way of explanation, thinking of the skirt and thin shirt that wait on a rack in the next room, a far cry from the long pants the eight of them are wearing; and you really do like the look you've been given, but the thought of sitting around cold before you had to was less than enticing. "I was going to go and change in a minute."

"Maybe you should swap with someone," I.N suggests slyly. "I bet Changbin would look good in a skirt."

"Changbin's pants wouldn't fit me," you throw back, and he has to turn away from the camera to hide the ugly laugh that snorts from his nose. "He's too-"

Short, you don't say, your eyes tracking the boy in question as he passes by. He pauses in the back of your video when he notices your eyes on him, looks between you suspiciously, and then dances his way out of frame, having decided, you guess, that you aren't up to anything worthy of comment.

The look you share with I.N almost makes you laugh again. "I'm going," you say, scooping up your camera as you stand, "before he realises we're talking about him."

---

"Why do you look nervous?" Chan asks, a shadow that suddenly stands beside you as someone clips a mic pack onto his belt. You eye him in disbelief to avoid turning to look at the hallway that leads to the stage again, trying to figure out if he's joking or not.

"I can be nervous if I want to," you answer after a few seconds, in a way that definitely doesn't hide how anxious you feel at all. 

"But you shouldn't be," he insists, "because there's nothing to be nervous about."

"You know that won't stop me," you scoff.

He cracks a smile despite himself. He almost laughs, except that he's busy turning to nod in acknowledgement of whatever the assistant behind him says on her way past. "It's going to be a good performance," he says, like the simple act of saying it is enough to manifest it into existance, like he would never believe otherwise.

"It's going to be good," you agree readily. "The concerts next week are going to be good too."

That smile flashes across his face again, his eyes lighting up. "You're excited?" he asks - and you almost feel guilty, that he would think that you wouldn't be excited, that you've worked so hard and put on such a stoic face that any of them might start to think this is a chore for you, rather than a dream coming true in front of your eyes.

"Of course I'm excited," you tell him emphatically, before he can get any ideas. "I can't wait to-"

"Y/N noona!" Changbin says as he strides across the room, stopping the thought halfway through. You turn to face him and the phone he waggles in his hand questioningly. "Take a photo with me."

"Right now?" you ask, looping your in-ears over your shoulders as if to demonstrate just how poor his timing is.

Changbin doesn't notice at all. "Why not now?" he questions. "I'm supposed to take a photo for instagram. Come and take one with me."

Beside you, Chan looks like he still has something to say, but when you glance at him, he only shrugs, turning away to fiddle with his own equipment. "Alright," you agree easily and follow Changbin, over to a bland enough piece of wall with decent lighting. You have a feeling someone has already scouted the room earlier for the best places to take photos, judging by how easy it is to find and how well it photographs.

It's a good distraction from the nerves for a few minutes, but it doesn't last much longer than that; especially not when Changbin barks and fusses over the angle and the faces, and then Hyunjin comes wandering over to take the camera out of his hand, and you realise that he's occupying you as much as doing what Skijigi have asked him to do. After that, you laugh and poke fun back at him with just the same vivacity, but it does nothing to assauge the anxiety that's planted deep in your gut, roots curling out to envelop you.

Somehow, when you're done, it is time to go up to the stage - and suddenly, you are engulfed within the group and walking that hallway you had been staring at what feels like moments ago, trying to swallow with a dry mouth and a stone in your throat and wondering if you'll actually be able to get any of the notes out at all.

Chan's hand touches your shoulder as you walk, appearing by your side in just the same way as he had earlier. You wonder if he can smell fear or something; or if you really are just that pale and drawn in the face, if your hands are shaking or something. Whatever it is, you're clearly not doing a very good job of hiding it. 

"You still look nervous," he tells you cheerily, and if he's aware that he's reading your thoughts, he doesn't give any indication of it, not even as he pulls you aside as you reach side-stage and glances up at the huddle of boys that continue to the bottom of the stairs, eyeing them as if there's something he doesn't want them to hear.

"I got you something," he says, when he's sure there are no eavesdroppers, and lets his lips curve in a secretive, delighted smile.

Your eyebrow raises in surprise, almost certain that he did not forget, but rather has been looking for the right time to bring it up - but he doesn't notice the look of disbelief, fishing a small, velvet bag out of his pocket. He offers it to you on an outstretched palm, a bridge to form the gap between you.

With timid, shaking fingers you take it, noting the pink that stains his cheeks and the way he cringes away from meeting your eye as you pull the drawstrings loose. "I saw you playing with the ones at K-Con," he hurries to explain before you can even see what's inside. "And you - fidget a lot. I thought it might help."

A ring tumbles out of the bag and into your palm, the full stop to the end of his sentence. It's only a plain silver band, softly curved at the edges and gleaming where the light hits it - nothing ostentatious or gaudy. Just a simple band for you to twist around your finger, the letters SKZ engraved on its inner circle.

"Thankyou," you manage to say as you slip it onto your finger - and then fiddle with it, twisting it and forth to distract yourself from the nervous hum that seems to hang in the air between you.

"Oh, no." He waves you away before you can even get the words out, that pink flushing his face. "Look, it works already." 

You glance down at your fingers and the twist of the ring, and feel the grin that bites at your face. "I like it," you admit, and try to breathe the nervous jitters out of your chest with the words. 

He looks...relieved? You're not sure, when the music blasts on stage and then cuts off and the crowd roars in response, cutting him off before he can say whatever it is that now lines the back of his teeth. It looks like relief on his face though; as if he'd been worried you wouldn't take the gift or something. Wouldn't see the sentiment behind it even if you didn't like it. What does he think of you, if that's how he thinks you might react?

The thought sends another thrill of fear down your spine, one that the scrape of that ring on your finger can't quiet. So does the scream of that crowd - adrenaline rises from your chest, wrapping its hands around your throat; that wild, senseless energy tensing in your body like you're about to run from a fight-

A hand claps your shoulder. "Are you breathing?" Seungmin asks, balancing on one foot as he leans around you to frown at your face.

You have to inhale to retort, and he smirks. "That's what I was wondering," Chan says behind that grin - but the brush of his hand over the back of yours is much softer; questioning, rather than the jolt of contact from Seungmin.

"I don't need to breathe," you throw at them weakly. "I'm a robot."

"How do I turn you off, then?" Chan asks, and then laughs when you stare at him, surprised. Betrayed, maybe, when you would have expected such a thing to come out of Seungmin's mouth rather than his.

You're distracted by the call of a staff member, waiting to usher you onto the stage - and there, again, are your nerves, returned in two-fold. Debut, you remember again for the thousandth time today. Your dream. Your reward. Your life's work, the only work you've ever learnt how to do.

The group huddle together, say some quick words of encouragement that float past you with registering at all. Your hand is warm in the centre of all of theirs, crushed by the weight of someone's palm as eight hands go down and whoever is on the bottom goes up, ruining the whole thing. You know that you laugh, between the groans and cries of retribution, but it doesn't reach right into your chest. All your attention is laser-focused on the steps before you and the buzz of the crowd waiting beyond.

You are not alone in your daze, at least. Many hands pat your shoulders, smooth your hair. Felix throws an arm around you until you reach the stairs, a one-armed hug while he talks about something in your ear. He lets you go while you climb, and follows on your heels out onto the stage.

The crowd is smaller than K-Con, to your mercy, even if they scream and cheer just as loud as that massive crowd had. It seems like a stupid thing to find comfort in a moment later, when the thought hits you again; of course the crowd is smaller. This is only a broadcast recording, not the concerts that leer at your from the near future.

Some of the boys are already at the centre of the stage, waving and talking to fans. You join them long enough for the official greeting - and then melt away into the background when Changbin immediately commands attention. You find Han there with you, arms swinging by his sides in one last warmup, but you can't think of anything to say other than the tight grin that offers itself to him, no doubt writing all you nerves right onto your face. The smile he gives you in return is sympathetic, and devoid of pretty words to go with it; just a flash of teeth, a puff of air that blows into his cheeks before exhaling. It's a little comfort, at least.

The call to begin shatters any calm it pulls over you just as quickly as it arrives though, the stage a hive of activity as everyone finds their places. For a long moment, no one moves and nothing plays, the tense, still seconds ticking by at an excruciating pace-

And then the music starts.

And then you dance.

And then you sing, loud and clear and bright - and steady, even with the complex movement of your body and the increasing cry of your chest for air. 

The finale rises and culminates with Felix's voice, standing at the end of the line behind you. You feel his weight bump against you as he shifts on his feet, hear the moment of silence and then the renewed cheer of the crowd when his ending fairy comes up on the screens. You can't see when it ends, so you count to five before you turn, ducking out of the line as requested and immediately finding the red light of the camera that was told to be waiting for you. Finger hearts, Felix had suggested backstage and Hyunjin had agreed, and so that is what you give them, angled just so by your cheek and the giddy smile that had been pulling on your lips before the music was even finished.

The stage goes silent, the few scattered beginnings of applause quickly throttled by the hands that remain in their laps. The seconds tick by at a glacial pace, the smile threatening to slip from your face. You glue it there with all the fire that remains in your veins.

You could swear the camera lingers, just to drink in your pain. Logically, you know it is the same time as Felix had. Somehow, the thought isn't comforting.

Finally, that lense clicks off and the boys move around you, giving the crowd something else to hawk and squeal at. Something they really want to see, you allow yourself to think acerbically, and carefully avoid looking any of them in the eye as you do your forced, casual wander off the stage. It is hard enough to achieve in your own bubble, to resist that urge to run, let alone if you catch anything like sympathy on their faces.

The first one below, you take one look at the playback monitor and excuse yourself to the staff, fleeing towards the bathrooms. You're dimly aware of footsteps behind you and the sound of your name, but they do not process and your feet won't stop - not until the heavy door slams shut behind you and the propel of your walk carries you in sight of the mirror over the sinks-

Beautiful, you'd dared to think earlier, staring vindictively at just the same image that looks back at you now. The careful fit of the navy shirt, the short skirt flattering the length and lines of your legs, the layered bangles and the diamonds that glitter around your neck...perfectly crafted to slip right in amongst the silk and patterns of the boys - and not unlike Midnight's dark queen concept either, the concept you hadn't had the right look for. You'd even liked your face, and the unearthly glow they'd painted into your cheeks, the perfect frame of your dark hair-

But something had displeased that crowd. Whether the look, or the dancing, or stupid, stubborn pettiness over girlish crushes - or all of it put together. It took a lot to silence an entire crowd. You knew that - you'd seen one refuse to be silenced before, but never nominally refuse to cheer. Never pass the sentiment around and come to an absolute mutual agreement.

It's a talent, to be able to do that by yourself, you think as you stare into your own eyes in the mirror; and you don't have it in you to deny the rush of feelings that wells in your chest this time, or the hot prick of tears in your eyes. Your thoughts are swept off in the storm, the questions clamouring, crying, begging for one answer; why, why, why, why. Why do they hate you, why are they so mean about it, why didn't you just go home? Why did you ever come to this country in the first place? Why id you think you were good enough to be worth their love?

A soft knock on the door precedes the tentative entry of an assistant; one of the girls from JYP that always travels with you on schedules. You know her name, but you should know her better; instead, you've just been keeping to yourself. Another point of failure, probably.

"Y/N?" she says, daring to put one foot through the door as you blink and nod in acknowledgement. "Sorry - we need to start heading back now. You can have another moment - if you need-"

"I'm coming," you hurry to say; and it is shame that colours your cheeks and gives you the strength again to swallow it down like a hard stone. The tears burn as you blink them away, as you stare at the mirror and decide that no more will fall except for the traitorous three that have already escaped. You'll have to go back on that stage - you won't go red-eyed and puffy, won't give them that satisfaction.

You'll have to do that ending again too, though. Weather that storm a second time. Well, you'll just have to make sure this take is perfect, and then no one will ask for a third. You'll be able to go home and hide.

Your moment is up. You know that, and so you turn yourself away from the mirror, to the girl that waits. She willingly averts her eyes as she steps out, holding the door for you until you grip the edge of it with your own hand and follow her.

Chan is waiting in the hallway, leaning against the wall and staring at nothing as he waits. There's a dark anger in his eyes when he turns, but it isn't for you - no, the tissue box in his hand is for you, offered like a bridge that spans the gap between you. 

Warily, you draw one and turn aside to dab at your eyes and try to cool the burn in your cheeks. You want to cringe away from yourself and hide in the bathroom again, to put off facing him until he goes away - but if you do that, he'll know you're hiding, and the hovering assistant will bear the blame of not bringing you back, and those fans will think they know why it's taking so long-

Stupid. They already know that they've won. Chan can see you crying. There's no one left to make a fool of except yourself.

"Are you alright?" Chan asks - and just like you thought, there is none of that anger in the gentle voice that asks.

"It's fine," you answer, biting at your tongue agains the tears that threaten to stir anew. "Sorry. I just needed - a moment. I'm ready to go again."

"Take another moment," he tells you.

"I'd rather go," you say, and it comes out harsher than you mean it to - but it is only the tears that you are fighting, that horrible, gut-wrenching wave of emotion that wants to wash over you. "I'm fine. Really."

The tissue crushes in your palm. You wonder if the sceptical look he gives you is because of the makeup you've surely smudged, or if he just doesn't believe you. "Are you sure?" he asks, and you steel yourself as you breathe in.

"I will be if we don't talk about it," you tell him tightly, and then you take the lead before he can disagree. He falls into step willingly anyway, thoughtful or maybe brooding as you weave your way back to the stage.

"We're not doing the endings again," he tells you as you approach, right as the flock of makeup artists engulf you. Like they knew you'd be crying, you think acerbically, and then banish the thought before it can unbalance you again.

"Were there any notes for me?" you ask as a brush dusts your cheek. The dancing; that's the only thing you need to focus on. The performance. Do it perfectly, and you can escape. Subconsciously, you fingers find the ring, twisting it around and around.

"Not for you," Chan says. "Just try to enjoy it again, yeah?"

Several choice comments come to mind as you gaze at him, each one as dry and hurt as the last, but a look at the occupants of the room stills your tongue. Assistants and stylists and employees of the show - people that you shouldn't be caught speaking ill of fans or members in front of. You've read your contracts and the company ethics, seen the bill for your training attached to your name. You know how far fans and a good public image takes even the most insidious people.

"I'll try," you promise instead, firmly holding your tongue to your principals. No point complaining about hardships anyway. This isn't an industry that takes pity on those who are too weak to survive it.

Even so, the answer seems vapid and contrived the moment it spills out of your mouth. Chan doesn't have time to contest it; the others are already returning to the stage to entertain that undeserving crowd, and so you must follow too, side by side in silence. His microphone passes restlessly from hand to hand, even when you step on stage and his brow smoothes out. You wonder how long that rage will simmer beneath his skin.

Until he can do something about it, a little voice whispers to you with a thrill, watching his receding back.

The stage sweeps you away after that, Chan disappearing into the midst of the others with just one last glance over his shoulder to make sure that you're following. Seungmin replaces him, appearing unobtrusively in your shadow as Felix slings an arm back around your shoulders and bats his hand away from messing with your hair. They flank you until you drift into your position, and then the stage goes quiet so that the music can start again. 

The dance flies by; chorus, verse, bridge, dance break. The fans cheer and chant along as dutifully as they had the first time, but the sound resonates hollow in your chest this time, the faces that you give the camera manufactured rather than brought on by the music. It's hard to forget, now that you know the truth, that those cheers aren't for you; only the boys that surround you, their bodies moving in unison with yours. Part of them, and yet set apart. 

You'd come six years ago expecting to be the jewel in that kind of crown, you think. This crowd has made you the flaw, ugly and unmistakably out of place.

It's a relief when the song ends and you can let go, your shoulders slumping and your chin dropping to your chest as you stare at the floor and try to breathe. A hundred emotions sweep by you, there and then swallowed again by the storm that churns in your stomach; you flinch away from the crowd's laughter at something Han does, and then laugh when Changbin's face appears upside-down in your field of vision, his body contorted strangely in an effort to meet your eyes. There's still something hiding in Chan's eyes and Felix is openly angry, but Minho gives nothing away in the nod he gives you as he passes by. Changbin talks about what to get for dinner on the way back down the stairs, but the words just wash over you; you're not hungry anyway, after all of this, just hollow and restless and tired.

Your third filming trudges by much the same, correcting a small mistake by Han in the pursuit of perfection. The boy looks apologetic as he passes you by, but it's not him or the dancing that you resent. It's just a thing you have to do, until all nine of you are pleased, until you can finally leave that stage and draw the hoodie you'd worn here on a very different kind of morning back over your head and climb into a car to go home.

You don't win any awards. The boys hide their disappointment, but you know it is there. You know, too, where the fan vote went and why that trophy was stolen away from them. 

You're not really sure what anyone expects you to do about it.

---

TAGLIST

@kokinu09 @rainfallingfromthesky @lixie-phoria @mysweethannie @chlodavids

@hanniemylovelyquokka @tfshouldidohere @lauraliisa @puppysmileseungmin @kalopsian-thoughts

@puppy-minnie @readerofallthingss @dvbkie099 @kthstrawberryshortcake-main @acker-night

@d-chagi @lynlyndoll @borahae-reads @ihrtlix @yienmarkk

@minhwa @i2innie @jinnie-ret @conwunder @amesification

@starssongs98 @weirdhumanbeinglol @morinuu @the-weird-mold-in-the-sink @bokkiesplace

@amyyscorner @jiisungllvr @skzstaykatsy @blackhairandbangs @jungkookies1002

@hyuuukais @imsiriuslyreal @thatonedemigodfromseoul @gini143 @mercurywritesstuff

@splat00z @filmbypsh @palindrome969 @crabrangoongirl25 @enzos-shit

@jabmastersupriseee @kayleefriedchicken @hynjinswrld @duhgurl @cheshireshiya

@keepswingin

[ownworldresident]

Side by Side Chapter 9: Renewal

Me: 'promises to post weekly' ... 'vanishes for three weeks' ... 'still loves you all I promise' now back to schedule...

Book: The Royal Romance.

Premise: With new additions to their family, King Liam and Rayne must re-evaluate their relationship dynamic.

Themes: Found family, hurt/comfort, angst, fluff, family.

Word Count: 3.2k per chapter, 18 chapters. About 60k.

Note: This story started just after TRR3 ended, and isn't related to TRH. See also Side by Side Masterlist & Master Masterlist Link

Rayne

A private balcony waited for Rayne and Liam when they arrived at the restaurant. They ordered the waiter's recommendation and their drinks were swiftly followed by a dish of local fish; Rayne made a mental note to send compliments to the chef.

Everyone was friendly, and reminded Rayne with a small pang of resignation that the only people who weren't were at the palace.

"What are you thinking?' asked Liam as she sighed.

"How refreshing it is to be here," she answered, smiling. Liam's own smile crinkled his eyes, and he seemed happy with her answer.

Their conversation was light -deliberately, Rayne thought- and as they ate she looked over the bay, pristine dark waters and lights along the marina… the simple beauty reminded her of a less complicated time, before she made that decision. Before she plunged them into this mess.

When next she looked at Liam he was watching her, a nervous half-smile on his face. They had reached a lull in their conversation, new drinks had arrived, and her meal sat comfortably in her stomach. She felt tired after the meal, and made another note to restock her vitamins. The routine was a comfort but also another boundary, a reminder. She was nearing 30 now; Liam had crossed that threshold while she was pregnant, but it didn't seem to have affected him as much as it did her. In his heart he had always known his path, with some minor deviations. Her feelings were a little more complicated.

"So, what did you need to tell me that required dinner at a restaurant and a new dress?" she smiled as she said it, but the expression faded when Liam didn’t reflect it. She reached across the table and laid a hand on his. "Liam, why are you so nervous?"

"I suppose…" Liam blinked back to the present and met her eyes. "It's significant news. I want you to know that nothing about us has to change, okay?"

Rayne swallowed. "You're scaring me. What could you have to say that would change things between us?"

Liam took a deep breath, and a smile settled on his face.

"I divorced Madeline."

For a moment, the only thing in the world were those words. Rayne stared somewhere over Liam's shoulder, transported back to the reverse of them. 'You married Madeline' had been the barrier for them for so long….

She blinked, but the next memory that surfaced was finding Liam unconscious in his office.

"Of course you did…" she said quietly, her mouth suddenly dry.

"There wasn't any other choice this time," Liam continued. "I think we both knew that."

He squeezed her hand, and brought her focus back to him.

"This will change a lot of things, but I don't want you to feel like our relationship has to be one of them. I'm not going to ask to commit to something you don't want."

He curled his hand around hers and laced their fingers together. He was warm, and steady, but there was a strain in his voice. Rayne's eyes fell on their intertwined hands, her other hand trembling in her lap.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, feeling as if a veil was tearing from the world she had constructed. Liam should have freed himself from that woman a long time ago, but he had stayed because of Rayne… she squeezed her eyes shut. "I should never have convinced you to stay married to her. If I hadn't… if I'd just…" she looked up to him again, eyes hot. "You deserved so much better."

To her surprise, he chuckled.

"It's true you are stubborn," he said, "but I'm sorry to say you aren't so much a force that I can't make my own decisions. I chose to remain in that arrangement, and to marry Madeline. Do you remember when we were on the engagement tour, and I asked if you would stay with me, even if I married her?"

Not trusting herself with a verbal response, Rayne nodded.

"Well that was selfish of me. I shouldn't have put you in that position. The fact that you said yes, emphatically at that…"

"Of course I stayed," Rayne breathed, surprised. "You were frightened when you asked me that, but that isn't the reason I stayed. I made my decision long before you were married. You know that, don't you?"

After a moment, Liam sighed, and nodded.

“That won’t stop me from feeling some guilt at the position I put you in. And so many things since then... but I wanted to come out tonight because I think you deserve a break, and Clair’s arrival helped you free up some time.” He reached across to take Rayne’s other hand, meeting her eyes a moment before continuing. “Nothing in life gives me greater pleasure than the time I spend with you and our children. My situation doesn’t change how I feel about you, and we don’t have to look tidy from the outside to be happy.” He smiled, and Rayne cursed her decision to wear make-up; in the face of Liam’s generosity, she felt tears welling again and pulled one hand back to wipe at her eyes.

The difference in Liam occurred to her then. He was usually calm and always affectionate, but this version of him was lighter, freer, without the weight of his relationship with Madeline. This version cast a dark shadow over the man she thought had been happy for the last year. Had he been happy? Or had he been struggling more under that burden than he had admitted? Had she underestimated the toll that such a division cost him?

“Rayne, are you okay?”

She had been the one to stay, to encourage him to maintain the arrangement, to pretend he was okay when he very, very clearly hadn’t been.

“I’m happy for you. I hope that… I hope…" Rayne stopped as a lump rose in her throat. She stood. Liam frowned, uncertain, watching her closely..

“I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“No, it’s just that…” she looked away from him at their surroundings. The table was beautifully set, the meal had been amazing, the view was spectacular, the night was calm, and it was just for the two of them.

“I don’t deserve this,” Rayne gestured to their surroundings, “after everything I’ve done to you, I don’t deserve any of this.” She wiped a few more tears from her eyes, trying to contain her emotion. She didn’t hear or see him stand, but when his arms came around her she fell into them. All pretence evaporated, and she was the Rayne who had cried when she had been taken from the Coronation ball; the Rayne who had cried every night at the Beaumont estate, and the first week of the engagement tour.

She fell back to a time before her skin was thick. Everything came forth, and she grasped handfuls of his shirt to hold herself up.

Liam’s arms tightened around her, and Rayne knew then that she was not okay, that she had not been okay for a long time. Too much had been ignored, and not only had she not allowed herself to really feel, but she had inflicted that on Liam.

“It’s alright,” Liam said gently. “It’s alright, I’m here.” His voice strained, and Rayne’s sobs grew louder as she shook her head and tried to answer.

“I’m - so - sorry - Liam,” she cried into his chest, and then she felt his arms shaking, his whole body shaking, and wrapped her arms around him in kind.

“It’s… it’s okay. You’re… we…” she felt him take a shaky breath. “I love you so much.”

Rayne tried to answer, but her body was overcome as she cried, and he cried, and she didn’t know how long they stood there before they ran out of tears. And then they held each other as if they hadn’t in months, and maybe they hadn’t, not like this. Eventually, she pulled back, and looked up at him. His eyes were red, and his cheeks glistened with tears. Rayne knew she must look the same sans his smile. Her makeup was smeared on his damp shirt, and the corner of her mouth curved up just a little at that.

“Sorry,” she said, biting her lip. Liam followed her gaze to his shirt, then huffed a small laugh, and pulled her close again.

“I meant what I said. I am never as happy elsewhere as I am with you and the twins, and nothing about what we have has to change.”

She nodded against him, listening to the steady pace of his heart.

“I dream about it sometimes,” she started, swallowing the lump in her throat and looking up again, “about that day at Ramsford, when I said I didn’t want to be queen.” And his expression when he had realised what she was saying.

Liam smiled now. “I know.”

“You know? How?” Even as she said it the answer occurred to her. “Do I talk in my sleep?”

“Yes.” Liam pressed his lips to her forehead and she closed her eyes at the touch. “Can I ask you something?’ He searched her eyes, and she did the same, a flutter of nerves in her chest as she tried to discern the question.

“Yes.”

“Do you regret that decision?”

There was no room in her for another emotional response.

“Yes.” Rayne wasn’t sure what his reaction would be, but to his credit he simply nodded, as if it had been inconsequential and not the biggest turning point in their relationship, and waited for her to continue. “I regret it for the pain it has caused you, and for encouraging you to stay with Madeline. I was angry, and upset, and scared, and I’m sorry. It was wrong of me.” She looked away from him, unable to meet his eyes. He had paid dearly for her decision. Liam lifted her chin to face him again.

“I didn’t mean to imply that your decision was a mistake. I only wished to know where your pain was, so I could help you.” He moved his other hand to caress her cheek, and she leant into his touch. “It’s all I’ve ever wanted, my love. To be there for you, as you have been there for me, so many times.”

The understanding of where they stood settled as they looked at each other. The night was quiet, and the only sounds were distant chatter of the diners downstairs, the gentle waves against the marina, and their own even breathing.

“I love you.” Rayne smiled and looped her arms around his neck.

“And I you.” Liam moved one hand lower on her waist, the other up to her neck, and she closed her eyes and met his lips halfway, and the world faded around them. It wasn’t deep, it was gentle and slow, and when they parted she was breathless. Liam cupped her face and ran a thumb across her cheek, then kissed her again, briefly, and leant his forehead against hers. They stayed like that, enthralled in the intensity of the moment, until Rayne’s body got the best of her, and she shivered.

Concern flitted across Liam’s face. "You're cold."

"A little."

"Let's go home."

They kept their fingers intertwined on the seat between them in the car ride home. They didn’t talk much, not much needed to be said, and Rayne spent the time reflecting on what had passed between them on that balcony.

Entering directly to the royal wing, they walked together through silent, familiar halls.

“I am very sure your friend has taken over our bed,” Liam said calmly when they reached that hallway . Rayne chuckled.

“I have no doubt she has.” She leaned against him as they walked. “Wherever shall we sleep?”

“There is always our old bed,” he replied as they reached the door to the royal suite, his own rarely used rooms. Rayne squeezed his arm.

“I’m sure Clair won’t mind caring for Leo and Evie for the night.” She winced at her own words, glancing back toward her door.

"Did you want to go and check on the twins?" Liam asked, noticing her apprehension.

"No," she answered after a moment's consideration. "I trust her." She would have to apologise for not warning Clair of this possibility. It was likely, if Rayne knew her at all, that she had assumed they would stay in Liam’s suite.

“I’m glad you feel comfortable allowing someone else to care for them,” Liam said as he reached for his door key. Rayne, however, was already holding her own.

“I didn’t realise you still carried it with you.”

“I always do.” Rayne returned his smile. It might not be regularly used, but the suite was something of a comfort for her and the twins, in a wing that wasn't entirely comfortable for her. And it smelled like Liam. "So am I," she added, to answer his earlier remark.

Once inside she locked the door and tucked the key in her dress, turning to see a grin on Liam's face that she hadn't seen in some time. He pulled her into a warm embrace, and she leant up to kiss him.

"We needed this," he murmured against her lips, then pulled back to add, "but I don't think either of us would have admitted it."

"No," Rayne said softly, leaning her head against his shoulder as he held her again. "We wouldn't have. "

Earlier in their relationship, Rayne supposed their clothes would be half on the floor by the time they reached the bedchamber. As it was, she was tired, and so was Liam. She had a feeling he was as lost in thought as she. They parted wordlessly inside the door and entered their individual walk-in wardrobes to change.

When she removed her make-up, which was a mortifying mess, and removed her dress, she smiled at the lacy underwear Clair had forced her to wear.

"Not tonight," she said to the mirror, running a hand over the scar on her abdomen, not quite as tender as it had been but still sensitive. Blinking back to focus, she switched the underwear for more comfortable pyjamas before returning to find Liam had done the same.

"What would our friends think of us?" Rayne smirked.

"Does it matter?" Liam raised an eyebrow, then closed the distance between them and swept her off the ground in a sudden burst of energy. Rayne laughed as he spun her and set her down, ending the spin with a deeper kiss and pulling her tight against him.

“I guess not,” Rayne said, smiling. “You aren’t as tired as I thought.”

“Oh I definitely am as tired as you think.” Liam brushed his nose against hers and kissed her again. “But I haven’t done that in a while and needed to make sure I still could.”

Rayne beamed at him, then held him close, closing her eyes as the small burst faded and her tiredness set in again. “Bed, please.”

“As you wish.” Liam picked her up again, more gently this time. He set her down on what had always been her side of the bed, then came around to climb under the covers as she did. Rayne curled up against him, instantly warm.

“I love you,” he whispered as he rubbed her back. Rayne smiled, and slept better than she had in a long time.

Liam

Late the next morning, Liam left Rayne sleeping to check on Evie and Leo. Clair had had them for almost twelve hours now and he rarely went that long without seeing them.

Entering Rayne’s suite, he took a moment to adjust to the dark, and froze when he saw something move on the lounge. Frowning, he flipped the light switch, and recognised the messy head of blond hair.

“What the hell are you doing here?” he demanded, not loud enough to wake the twins if by chance they were sleeping. His brother turned over with sleepy eyes, squinting at the light. He smiled as he sat and pulled off the blanket.

“Waiting for you of--” he yawned, rubbing his eyes “--of course.”

Liam sighed, shaking his head. “A likely story. Rayne’s friend? Seriously Leo? This is the reason you weren’t told when she would be here.”

“The fault is on Rayne, I’m afraid,” he rolled his shoulders back and shrugged. “Her friend is cute.”

“You better not have slept in Rayne’s bed,” he said in a warning tone. Leo chuckled.

“I would never do that, little brother. Like I said, I just wanted to see how things went with Rayne.” He frowned. “Why do you call it her bed anyway? You sleep there as well.”

Before Liam could think of an answer, Clair appeared in the doorway.

“Are you still here?” she asked Leo. Evie was in her arms, looking around the room curiously. Clair smiled at Liam before raising an amused brow toward his brother.

“Why do I have to explain myself so much? I’m a devoted older brother and I wanted to see how things went last night. Judging by that stupid grin on his face, I’d say pretty well.”

“Hmm, I don’t know.” Clair chuckled. “Jury’s out.” She carefully handed Evie to Liam when he came to take her.

“Thank you for taking care of these two,” he said, pressing a light kiss to Evie’s head and gently rubbing her back. He turned back to Leo. “I guess when Rayne wakes up you can get a second ruling.” he smiled. “And where’s your stupid grin, Leo?”

“He foolishly thought he might find it here.” Clair smirked and winked at Leo, who sighed and shook his head.

“On behalf of Rayne, myself and our bed,” said Liam, “I am very glad he didn’t.”

Leo shrugged. “As I said, only concerned about my brother.” He clapped a hand on Liam’s shoulder as he walked past, speaking quietly. “Later, okay?”

“Later.” Liam nodded.

--- ---

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[elvisabutler]

so hi y'all, so full disclosure this month has not even remotely gone the way i planned. as i am sure y'all can tell with the fact that i have barely posted anything, let alone fic, and i have, in general, been not so much around. it wasn't my intention to do that, and honestly, i had planned on giving y'all a feast of fics. so i figured y'all deserved a little explanation in the form of this month was a perfect storm of my honestly chronic sleep deprivation ( if I was lucky i was getting fours hours of sleep before work, which isn't good for how much i am on my feet ) for the past year plus coming to a head, a schedule shift that happened just this past monday that i haven't ironed out the kinks with ( and won't for another weekish ) and some years long personal business that's finally getting all settled next thursday.

sprinkle in a tiny bit of sickness at the beginning of the month, and you have me with half finished fics everywhere and me becoming a hermit. all this to say, i have been trying to work on things, and i have made progress so ideally ( and i mean really truly ideally, i am not gonna make a single promise about this ) by/on halloween y'all will get spark among some other fics and i should be able to get back to a weekly fic posting schedule. i can't thank y'all enough for being patient, especially when it comes to spark and it should be worth the wait now that i think i have fully busted through a writing block i had with regards to it.

i know i kind of have fallen off reading and doing much of anything as well, but with any luck, i am gonna do more of that, too. as always, my inbox is open for whatever y'all want to swing by and drop in whatever you want in it, be it screaming about a fic or asking if i am updating or just saying hi.

[raspberryconverse]

Coley's Beaus, FWBs and Ladies: A Cheat Sheet (updated 1/19/25)

It occurs to me that with all my beaus (and FWBs and ladies) mentioned in my post, it might be nice to have a cheat sheet. Also it might be helpful to know who I'm still dating and who I'm not, considering we're up to #6, but I'm not really dating anyone at the moment (I did just have a nice first date, so we'll see where that goes). There are also several FWBs, so keeping those straight is also going to be an issue. My poor therapist had to make her own cheat sheet (she literally has rolled her eyes when I've mentioned a new person with a one syllable name, because apparently my type is short men with beards and one syllable names).

Beau #1: Straight, 4½ years older than me, 5'6"ish, married with a girlfriend (used to be 2, but one broke up with him), used to do DoorDash, but now works at a car dealership. We met on Feeld and had been talking for awhile when my spouse had told me they wanted a divorce (we went back and forth for awhile, but 6 months later we actually are getting divorced). He was kind of my poly mentor, so when this happened and I didn't know who to talk to, I turned to him. We talked on the phone and when he was done dashing for the day, we met for tacos, made out a bit in his car and then went back to his place and had amazing sex. Hands down the best sex I've ever had. I joke that he's ruined me for other men.

My biggest complaints with him were smoking and scheduling. The smoking is really bad because he has asthma (as much fun as it is to say I've nearly killed him during sex, it's not fun to stop and grab the inhaler) and how the AuDHD affects us getting together. He can't seem to get a calendar going with his wife, so it greatly affected when we could see each other. Me being able to host should have helped, but he only came here once and it was the week after my spouse asked for a divorce (for real this time).

I finally broke up with him, after asking myself for at least 2 months why I was still seeing him.

Beau #2: AKA The KitchenAid Mixer Guy, because one of his Feeld profile pics is a nude with his KitchenAid mixer. One of the main reasons I swiped on him, TBH. Heteroflexible (as in he likes playing with couples), 3 years younger than me, 5'7", used to manage a theatre until he got fired for sticking up for one of the owner's tenants. He was seeing someone else besides me. He was really funny and reminded me of a friend who passed away 7 years ago. We saw each other weekly for almost 2 months before he fucked off to Michigan and didn't tell me he was actually leaving. He was between jobs and had been waiting for over a month on a background check for one and told me if he didn't get it, he'd go stay with his parents for a bit. Then I didn't hear from him for a few days, checked in and he sent me a pic of his mom's ugly rug on her front porch 🙄

He tried to tell me that our relationship wasn't serious enough for a heads up that he left. "The only person who needs to know where I am at all times is the person I'm living with" (which I argue there's a difference between wanting to know your whereabouts at all times and wanting to know you left the state for several weeks). He claimed we had only gone out 5 times and had been seeing each other for a month (it was 8 times and almost 2 months, but whatever). I miss him a lot, but clearly he needs to get his shit together and treat the people he's seeing with more respect. We had a really good thing going where I'd come over, he'd cook dinner, we'd watch a movie and then have sex (the sex wasn't the greatest, but what he lacked in skill he made up for in enthusiasm). I never wanted more than that, but he seemed to think otherwise.

Beau #3: The drummer. Another Feeld match. Divorced dad of 6 year old twins. Straight, same age as me (graduated a year after me because his birthday is later in the year), 5'6", works in a warehouse, never been poly, but was open to ENM (which I now know is yellow flag). We really clicked right away as oversharers. We both like to try new beers and would go to breweries often on dates. I have my theories as to why he broke up with me based on his "things were moving too fast and I don't think we're a good match" statement. I honestly thought we were a great match because of how comfortable we were talking about deep stuff and I really miss our naked cuddles. We only successfully had sex once because he was having some unexplained ED issues. Best of luck to him with that.

One of the things I'm really bummed about is I actually genuinely like his band. I mean, I'm sure part of it is he looks hot when he's playing (those forearms 🥵), but their music is good too. I really want to show up at a show, looking really hot and see what happens. My therapist will tell me that's a very bad idea. My friends already have (and they managed to keep me occupied when he had one literally 10 minutes from my house to avoid temptation).

Beau #4: Queer, 4 years older than me, 5'7", ex Army Ranger, works in marketing for a big tech company and has an anchor partner. Not a Feeld match (we met at Queer Poly Cocktails). I think being queer cancels out a lot of the problematic military stuff. He's very passionate about suicide prevention for veterans, cowrote a coffee table book of veteran stories, is working on another book about with a friend about how they helped get the abandoned troops out of Afghanistan and was apparently in a really bad zombie movie comprised completely of veterans. He actually has a few pics on WikiFeet, which is... interesting.

He can deadlift more than double my body weight, so that's pretty hot. But he doesn't look very muscly, which I really love.

He seemed pretty smitten with me, but he's also had a busier than normal late summer/early fall (he said it's the busiest time for him at work). I was been super frustrated by this because he does make time to see his anchor partner, but would go weeks without seeing me. We did finally have a talk about it and he said it's just been bad timing. He claimed he was definitely is into me, enjoys spending time with me and didn't think things were casual, but he also doesn't have the bandwidth right now to develop something more serious. Then he broke my heart. I am almost as heartbroken about this as I am about my divorce. He was the kind of man I should be pursuing, but it's clear that emotionally mature men who treat their partners well can recognize when someone is a hot fucking mess and will run the other way.

Possibly Beau #5: Pansexual, 6 years younger than me, 5'7", ex Navy, mobile urgent care nurse (though recently got disability benefits approved). He doesn't seem that young, which I think is probably due to being in the military (and again, being queer seems to cancel out problematic military stuff). We met on Feeld. We get along really well and sex was been really good. We actually talked for 3 weeks before meeting IRL.

I had a good feeling about him. I was wrong.

We went out once and it was absolutely lovely, but over the course of 4 weeks, he cancelled on me 3 times. The 3rd time was the final straw for me. He agreed that I had every right to be upset and want to break things off after that. I really wanted him to fight for me. He didn't. Things like this make me feel like I'm not worthy. Deep down, I know it's not true, but I'm just not at a point mentally where I can believe it. Hopefully I'll get there someday.

We actually started texting again. My therapist helped me realize that I reacted poorly (not that I shouldn't have been mad, but my reaction was out of line). I apologized and he offered to talk it out, but he's been really busy, apparently 🙄 I eventually told him I missed texting with him and he said the reason he wasn't responding was because he thought I wouldn't want to start texting again without talking. I told him that ideally, talking first would be good, but that I was open to texting anyway and waiting for him to have the time to talk. So far, it's kinda how it was before with less sexy talk (though it's becoming more and more and even not when I'm drunk or high). We finally talked about it and he would love to have something with me, but he can't offer what I deserve, time commitment-wise. So we'll just keep texting, I guess. His recent disability approval might result in the possibility of being able to see each other regularly, but he has to get his meds under control first.

Honestly, I can't stop thinking about how he first kissed me, how good the sex was and I often pull up the intentional shirtless selfie because he's really fucking hot. I have a problem and his name is Beau #5.

Beau #6: Straight, 4ish years younger than me, 5'10," software engineer. We originally met on a Discord for some of the board gamers in the local poly group (I'm not into board games, but they assured me their gatherings aren't as board game focused). He offered advice on buying a house, but realized I had already done it pretty recently, so I didn't need it. We ended up talking at poly cocktails and when I got home, he asked if he could text me instead of using Discord and I replied with my number. Then he asked me out.

We've only been on a few dates, but they've been amazing. I'm actually the first person he's gone out with since he met his wife. He didn't really feel like he was poly, even though his wife decided she was. He had started thinking about dating, but hadn't really put himself out there until he met me. He thought I was really cool and ended up asking me out. I cannot wait to see how this develops.

FWB #1: Straight, 2 years older than me, 6'1", works for some sort of non-profit (I think). We met on Feeld. I was high on our first date (unintentionally) and having a beer made it worse. But even with that, I realized I definitely didn't want to date him. He is excellent in foreplay (definitely a pleasure dom), but mediocre at sex. He's definitely too tall for me to want to date (when you're over 5'10", your face is too far away for kissing), but he's nice to have in my back pocket for when I want to get laid.

I also went on 2 dates with a bisexual guy who is only 5'9", an ad exec and is 3 years younger than me. The conversation flowed well and while I wasn't sure if we had chemistry, he kissed me while we were waiting for my bus and yup, there definitely was chemistry.

We had a very successful second date that resulted in an accidental hickey. It was totally one of these:

We also had a good talk about expectations. He's not poly and isn't really interested in it, but is perfectly comfortable with me being poly and hearing about my other relationships. Before we met, we were chatting the afternoon where I was finally meeting Possibly Beau #5 and he said, "Get it, girl!" and was happy to hear that I got it. Ultimately, he was looking for a long term monogamous relationship, but he was also content with seeing me in the meantime. He recently told me his ex asked to get back together and he said yes.

I'm honestly not sad about it because I didn't like him as much as my beaus. I mean, I did like him, but the connection wasn't as strong as it is with my beaus. I didn't even feeling any NRE with him really. But I enjoyed the companionship and sex.

The Tree: so I had the following in my Feeld profile

I was striking out with the really tall guys. Some were fake. A few seemed interested and then disconnected (the worst was when I sent one a sexy photo and he disconnected with me upon seeing it). I've been talking to one who is actually 50, but doesn't look it at all. I've been trying for months to get together with him, but he's got 4 kids in their teens and 20s and is just too busy. It's a shame because he's really hot.

Finally, I matched with The Tree. He's 6'4" and straight (possibly heteroflexible, as he's interested in being in an MMF) and 2 years younger than me. I met him and it turns out I actually really like him. Like honestly, if he were at least 6" shorter, he'd be 100% my type.

My curiosity is the logistics of having sex with someone over a foot taller than me. The tallest guy I ever dated was maybe 5'10" and then, as I said before, FWB #1 is 6'1". I also have very short legs (25" inseam), so that could make things even more complicated.

We've been doing the FWB thing for a bit now and I don't think I could have picked a better specimen, TBH. I mean, there was one who looked like Matthew Gray Gubler that I was very interested in, but he had a very sparse profile and well, he didn't like my sexy pic (unmatched after I sent it 😒). It's definitely a novelty, but we have fun. And he actually has asked me if I wanted to get together, so it's nice not to always be the one asking for a booty call.

Recently, I've had rough times with Beau #4 and my spouse and he's really been there for me in a way I would not expect from a fuck buddy. But I guess we're more than that. We are definitely friends and I can tell he really cares about me. I mean, anyone who'll let you cry all over them after sex clearly does. I'd honestly like to date him, despite him being freakishly tall, but he's been dealing with a messy breakup for awhile and he's just not ready for a relationship. But he's been amazing to me (and not just in bed) and I really think there could be something there once our lives become less of shitshows. If we're being honest, we probably are actually dating and he just hasn't figured it out yet.

FWB #2: Straight, 5'7", 3½ years older than me. We met on Hinge. He was actually the first person I talked to on there. There's definitely not a romantic connection there, but I do like him a lot. We have a lot of good conversations. He's actually available most nights, so he'll be the one I text first when I need to get laid. He is also excellent in bed, so even better.

Lady #1: My friend's partner. Originally met on Hinge, but met organically in person, 5'3", 5 years younger than me, bi. Her partner was actually the guy who Beau #4 was going to let have me, not knowing he wasn't my type. I walked into our local poly cocktails one night and went over to say hi to him and she was sitting across from him. "We're talking on Hinge!" she exclaimed. NGL, I was feeling a little awkward about it, especially since her partner was giving off some more than friendly vibes to me, but he was actually excited that we matched and had been talking. He even gave her my number so we could text and coordinate a date.

We went on a date (drinks) and had some good conversations about homebuying (her and her partner just put in an offer on a house) and dating (straight men are horrible). I wasn't sure how it actually went because when we were parting ways, she hugged me goodbye and ran away to her bus stop. And no, her bus was not coming because I was on the same side of the street, walking away from her stop and the bus would have passed me by. We were supposed to have a cute thrifting date, but she had to cancel because of a work thing 😕 She admitted later that she wasn't feeling romantic vibes, but definitely wants to be friends. She also said she's open to things changing in the future, so we'll see how that goes.

Lady #2: Pansexual, 5'4", 5 years older than me, met on Hinge. We had some fun banter back and forth for awhile and then she asked me out. We went out to a local lesbian bar and had some good conversation while we were there. She's a sex therapist, which could be interesting, and also very kinky. The date went well. We ended up making out at the bus stop. We went on 2 other dates that went very well, but never managed to get a 4th date planned, mostly because my life blew up. But she also has tried to be helpful while I've been dealing with the blow up and I really appreciate that. She recently got some bad health news and is focusing on her health, so that's that.

Moxi: 3 years older than me 5'2", bisexual. I've known her for about 9 years. I met her when I played roller derby. She used to play on one of the home teams until she had a TBI, but decided to come back and help coach the rec league (where I was playing). I always thought she was gorgeous and had an amazing body, but I honestly didn't think she liked me like that. Well, apparently she did, but didn't want to cross a line with me.

I quit playing roller derby after some beef with the league and nobody talked to me after that except Moxi. We kept in touch all these years. She did the sweets for my wedding and invited me to hers too. She was the first friend who I told about going poly and it turns out she is too.

We talked recently and admitted there was a mutual attraction there. I needed to get out of the house so my ex could have some people over and she was bench coaching another roller derby league. I also hadn't seen my dad for Christmas because I had covid, so I went to see him, then to the bout. We talked about possibly making out that night and well, it happened. And it was amazing. I'm really excited to see where this goes. She's a really good kisser 🥰

[genericpuff]

Any tips on writing a buffer? I'm trying to make a LO "fan" series too but i have no idea how to write one ;^;

So I guess like... I mentioned I mostly focus on writing when I do my 'buffer' in a previous post, but 'buffer' isn't really the right word for it, it's more just like... plan ahead, y'know? 😂 A lot of webtoon originals creators are great at drawing but painfully not great at writing and honestly, I can't really rag on all of them equally, many of them did just start off with a neat central idea that got picked up by WT and then they had to essentially pants the project. I think one of my favorite examples of a webtoon you can tell had a lot of writing and rewriting put into it is City of Blank. It's got a very interesting plot with very goal-oriented writing, especially by its 2nd-3rd season when the stakes REALLY start to get high. Highly recommend you go check that out if you want to see a serialized webtoon with a very strong narrative foundation.

Anyways, I'm getting off-topic, but when it comes to like, "planning ahead" with your writing, really all I can recommend is:

Have a goal in mind. Where are your characters starting and where do you want them to end up? Is it a physical journey, or an emotional one?

You don't need to have every single detail planned ahead, but you should, at the very least, plan out as much of a beginning, middle, and end as you can, with major events or plot points in between. I tend to write 'event by event' so I'll essentially plot out all my major plot points, make sure they all work together in the overall theming of the narrative (so that every plot point has an actual reason to exist) and then hone in on the smaller details to ensure all those plot points connect and work together. Some people tend to do this while also pantsing (i.e. 'writing as you go') which is what I also think RS does, but there's a difference between writing as you go in front of a live audience and just writing as you go while you're drafting. Until you have a solid plan, keep it in the drafts, read it, rework it, re-read it again, etc. Have a plan, especially if you're planning on doing a serialized (i.e. weekly, monthly, etc.) series where you release things on a schedule.

Get feedback! Find some pals or people in the community who would be open to reading over things with you and giving feedback. Be aggressively open to feedback. Even Rekindled isn't just the sum of my own parts, I've gotten so much awesome feedback and suggestions from people in the community, particularly in UnpopularLO as its the community who got to see me start Rekindled from the very beginning. Many of the people in there have gotten to see Rekindled stuff before it ever made it onto Tumblr and I honestly don't think I could have made it this far without a lot of them LOL

There is no "right" or "wrong" method to planning. I use a combination of Scrivener, Excel, and notepad files to write my stuff out in a way that's comprehensible to me. After all, whatever you draft, it's for you. There's no pressure to try and make your drafts look presentable, they're your drafts. Make a mess, write stuff down, talk yourself through the process even if you think it looks crazy to type at yourself in your documents. Get your thoughts and ideas on paper and out of your head, even if it's not meant to be seen by anyone else yet!

[g-on-ef]

Hey, saw the summary for lan jer story and it looks so good, can't wait for u to update it. I am also excited for Nikobran story although I have a doubt, in which story the culprit will be revealed like in nikobran's story or in lanjer's story?

Although I don't want my baby bran to suffer but lan and niko will be there

I also wanted to know if lan will ever find out that niko visits bran at night in the heart was built to break cuz if he does then it will be chaotic and I can see lan going overboard in protecting bran

P. S I love ur writing 😁 hope to see ur new stories soon

Anon asked: Hello, thanks a lot for replying. I am. Excited for the new nikobran stories and also to see how it proceeds in the heart was build to break ( which I am loving a lot) poor bran believes that lan is keeping an eye on him all the time and yet certain things miss lan's eyes . Will landon ever find that niko visits bran at night?? If he does it will be so chaotic plus I am also excited to see niko's possessive side plus also the kidnapping scene too ( can't wait for it)

Anon asked: Hiiii, I read your kill for you dies for you fic and I loved it I hope u will update more. Can u tell me what is the schedule for that, is it similar to the heart was build to break fic i.e bi monthly? ( just curious about the schedule) also I am excited for the new nikobran and lanjer fics btw I also saw how u added some changes in 1st chap of the heart was build to break and I loved it, r u gonna add anymore changes to other chaps also?

Thank you so much for all the love you guys give to my fics I'm so excited for you to read them and see what happens

The culprit will be found in both stories they'll intertwin and there will be clues in both to see what happens ^^

Niko and Bran will definitely be there to protect Bran and they will be working as a tag team to protect him ^^

Lan is gonna find out but once he does oh boy shits gonna hit the fan and poor Bran is not sure what he's gonna do though I should mention I left a hint in my sneak preview post on what's to come ^^

Kill for you die for you spill blood for you is gonna be update bi weekly so I should have a chapter up hopefully this weekend ^^

Yes I made some changes and expect changes to be make because I am rereading the story and want to add and/or change things around ^^

[pumpkin-spike18]

✨Weekly Progress #22-25✨

Hello. I'm sorry about missing a month of updates 🙇‍♂️I'm not sure how it became a month, but better late than never...??

Weekly Progress #22

Worked on BAF jam stuff

Some marketing discussion/planning

Sketched EKL game page

Messaged about OtomeJam work

Finished all EKL pages linearts

Finished 3 EKL pages

It feels a little silly to talk about EKL now when the game's fully released 😂 But here's a WIP shot for one of the comic pages.

Yo, I hate accidentally ctrl+z on a tumblr post, this is my second time writing this.

lineart -> final

Ta-da, this is how one of the pages look altogether!

At this point, the handwritten word bubbles was for anything I wanted to animate. The other text was written in my sketches and all word bubbles were added via GUI + programming.

Screentoning has been my savior this whole game. I cannot tell you the relief of just blocking out a single color, going to CSP and setting the layer to screentone mode 😅

Weekly Progress #23

Finished all EKL pages

Checked some shipping costs…

Downloaded some new gamedev programs

Coded SAiD sprite

Wrote 2.9k words for SFB (Draft 1 finished!)

Rendered and programmed all EKL sprites

Programmed EKL scenes 0 & 1

Updated EKL GUI

Sky of Falling Birds (SFB) will be my next big project after SYVNH. You can read a bit more about it here, but I'll talk about it in detail another time. I'm happy the first draft has been finished at 21k+ words though!

Saintess Alasdair is Dead (SAiD) is an otome jam project I'm working on with @akuakourin and Amiralo as a programmer. ...I'm not sure how much I should be sharing here, but... back in Week #23, this was how my progress looked.

(Art by Akua)

The demo for SAiD is almost complete now and will be available for dark otome players June 30th!

Weekly Progress #24

Finished EKL programming

Finished and programmed 2 more EKL sprites

Programmed all SAiD sprites +updated GUI

coding week.

Another project where I pretend to know what I'm doing!

Weekly Progress #25

Worked on EKL gamepage

Finished +Programmed EKL main menu art

Started scripting SAiD

Built, published, and submitted EKL!

OtomeJam assets discussion

Future Projects discussion

Updated BGs, fonts, music, and SFX for OtomeJam

Updated OtomeJam gamepage

Started WinterJam project outline

A lot of indie gamedev is about meetings! ...I forget that because it usually feels like I'm just chatting with friends in discord and suddenly we're working on a project together.

Game page and main menu planning for EKL. The idea was to make the game page look like the back of a manga, and the main menu like the cover, spine, and back of a manga book.

Some elements didn't necessarily make it into the final cut.

And as I mentioned before, most of the SAiD demo is done!

(Art by Akua)

Okay, that's everything!! 💦Can you believe half the year is now over... Next week is a holiday so I should finally have time to get some proper devwork done and answer some comments and questions! (I read them all and I appreciate every one, I'm sorry I often can't always answer them;; )

I'll be scheduling my time for my ongoing projects. Thank you everyone, for sticking with me and playing all my projects!

[bllsbailey]

RedState Weekly Briefing: Biden Bumbles (and Fumbles and Mumbles) As Trump Amuses Via Latest Announcement

Welcome to 2025, and welcome to the RedState Weekly Briefing  — where we take a quick look at the week’s most viewed stories in case you missed any of them. Grab a cup of coffee (or something stronger if you're in a celebratory/holiday mood), and sit down with this 21st Century Weekend Edition of your favorite (online) publication!

#1 - Biden Flies Back From St. Croix - What He Does Next Says Everything About Him — by Nick Arama

That probably tired him out so he needed the extra vacation in Camp David. It's estimated that he's spent about 40 percent of his time occupying office on vacation, which is crazy. He's spent over 570 days off/on vacation. But is he even in charge anyway at any point? Those were just the visible days on vacation. But he's truly been checked out for most of the time, if reports are correct.  Biden isn't even finished yet with vacations. He's still planning on going to the Vatican in January to visit the Pope to seek "solace and relief." What does that even mean? What does he need relief from when he's constantly on vacation? If he's still throwing a fit over being shoved aside from the election, that's all on his Democrat buddies. He went along with it.  He and they should be apologizing for the anti-democratic act of swapping in Kamala Harris, who didn't have the primary vote for the position.  I can't wait for the big boy stairs to come back on Jan. 20.

#2 - Biden Returns From Vacation With Unexplained Injuries, Wild Remarks — by Nick Arama

Did he take a header and fall? Or did something else happen?  But according to Rosen, the White House is refusing to explain the injuries. Rosen said the White House also cancelled a press briefing that they had on the schedule for Thursday.  As we reported earlier, Biden (or an intern) posted that he had a meeting with his Homeland Security team and Kamala Harris to discuss where they were on the "terrorist attack" in New Orleans and the "car explosion" in Las Vegas. He said they would be trying to get to the bottom of things.

#3 - NEW: Possible Motive in Cybertruck Explosion Revealed — by Bonchie

That puts a bit of a different spin on his family life. Before this report, all we had were smiling pictures of him and his wife, with the reasonable assumption being they were still together. But if she left him over infidelity, that would go a long way in providing a reason for him to be suicidal. It would also explain why someone with Livelsberger's expertise on weapons and explosives would stuff some fireworks and gas canisters in the back of a steel-bodied truck and call it a day. If you assume he was trying to kill other people, that seems like a pretty big mistake. If you make the counter-assumption that he wasn't trying to kill other people, though, then it all starts to make a lot more sense. Authorities are even looking into the idea that he chose a Cybertruck specifically because it would limit any collateral damage.

#4 - WATCH: Clueless Biden Has Trouble With Questions in St. Croix - Look Who Comes to His Aid — by Nick Arama

Biden looks completely clueless and doesn't seem to understand what the reporter is saying. If you look closely, it looks like the Secret Service agent is telling Biden what they are asking him. It's only then that Biden responds, "Apparently, he did, but I haven't spoken yet with my team." 

Well, no, Putin didn't take responsibility, as we reported. And wouldn't that have been a top priority to be advised on and discuss immediately — that is, if Biden were truly in charge? And he doesn't have an opinion to offer unless he speaks to his team? Does he not know what to say without their notes? That's the implication of that response, and he doesn't even realize it. 

A reporter also asked about a "hostage update," but Biden turned away and ignored it. So much for the American hostages who have been held for more than a year. Notice Biden got more help from Hunter, who was trying to pull Joe away from the reporters to the car, saying, "Dad!" 

#5 - Trump Just Made the Most Hilarious Political Appointee Announcement in Presidential History — by Bonchie

Well, that's not exactly a ringing endorsement. It's like saying, "Yeah, she fought me for years on foreign policy and is a neocon RINO, and she'll probably get fired, but others like her so let's give it a shot." Credit where credit is due, I suppose. Trump isn't hiding the ball about his reservations regarding the appointment. Why he made it when he is already washing his hands of her, I'm not sure. Perhaps Steven Witkoff, who will be her boss, specifically requested her for the position, or maybe incoming Chief of Staff Susie Wiles likes her.  I don't know, but whatever the reason, Ortagus is starting off her new job on thin ice. In fact, the entire first paragraph seems like a bit of a warning shot to everyone who has been nominated for an executive position: Get in line, or you're gone. 

[unsc-offical]

(I'm just gonna reblog my answer and not tag 9 more people because I only know like 3-4 people in halo tumblr)(and they've already been tagged)

Honestly up until 2-3 weeks ago I figured that faking my death and pretending to be another officer was enough but considering people keep attempting to kill me everyday I'm gonna assume I've been re-found so I guess I may as well answer

Last song-

Favorite color- navy blue and most other colors like that. Sometimes I like yellow.

Currently watching- so many things, I have weekly shows like whatever star trek is on at the time (lower decks currently, go watch it NOW), or only murders in the building, I'm also rewatching buffy tvs but that's all with my family, personally I've been watching red versus blue, any walking dead stuff I can get my hands on for free (webisodes) a YouTube series about the comic and tv show differences in the walking dead, I've also been digging into Garfield's weird lore and internet presence. I also am sad to admit I've been watching a very long playlist of one of my favorite gaming YouTuber's old... [Audible sigh] among us videos. I'm sorry I'll delete the blog now. (Hey at least it's not stupid "among us poppy playtime squid game Minecraft Ohio gyatt at 3am buzzword buzzword buzzword consume consume consume con-" it's normal stuff every YouTuber was doing back in 2020-21, I have standards. Anyway moving on)

Sweet/spicy/savoury-

All at once 😈😈😈

I'm a big fan of all three. Also umami or whatever.

Relationship status-

Single. No time for relationships when you're dropping into hell

Fr though I'm aroace and a minor so

Current obsession-

Read this to the tune of the nations of the world by wakko Warner, or don't, I can't tell you what to do, the list probably won't be long enough and this part will just come off as weird. Maybe I should just shut the fuck up and get into it; halo, lord of the rings, Garfield, starfield, battlestar galactica, deep rock galactic, aliens (franchise titled aliens), starship troopers (THE ONLY GOOD BUG IS A DEAD BUG), the walking dead, Garfield, <small>among us</small> , star trek, hollow knight, archery (the sport), (I could go on but this post is already longer than my entire fanfic lmao)

Last thing I googled-

Seth Gilliam (I was watching starship troopers for the first time and I was like wait is that Gabriel (the walking dead) ?)

Currently working on-

Halo Straight into hell (doing such a good job with my schedule, I'm no longer making promises because I clearly can't stick to them. Maybe a post tomorrow), making benches for a campsite I'm working on, school stuff, and raising baby cats.

@oni-official don't add this to my next psych eval I stg

9 People You'd Like To Get To Know Better

Tagged by @aqgarts. Bold. Thanks.

It'll be me, the Director, answering since I reckon 26th century media is overdone.

Last song: Plenty - Alternate Version by aeseaes. ONI playlist coming soon.

Favourite colour: I like my gray-scale shades but, outside of that, matte/dull gunmetal blue.

Currently watching: You, reading this. (I have a lot of trouble getting into series.)

Last movie: The Highwaymen.

Currently reading: Men at Arms - City Watch Arc, Discworld, Terry Pratchett.

Sweet/spicy/savory: Spicy/Savoury all the way.

Relationship status: Single. That's the thing about being a spook-

Current obsession: Halo. How ripe with potential.

Last thing I googled: 350F to C (I was baking cookies)

Currently working on: Fallen Angels [File 3.1], a retelling of an ODST squad's mission on a world lost to the Covenant, recently declassified. I swear we'll have this out soon.

There is, of course, zero pressure to respond since ONI already knows everything about you, but we wouldn't mind updating our files -

@sign-language-is-pretty-handy @tvlovesfandom @mel-a-art @holyshonks @ageless-aislynn @dougielombax @gameknigh @unsc-offical @monitorchakas

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi, I have hard executive dysfunctions but had some (temporary) results using to-do apps and stuff. For everything, brushing teeth, eating, etc. But it always end (very quickly) by me adding 30+ to dos for a day and working 10 hours to get them done until I break down. I can't not do it. Once I think about it, there is sooo much to do, so much I neglected.

So I saw this nice bullet journal in a shop today and took it with me and need some ideas how to make it, to not end like the others:

I thought about a symptom part, how good did I sleep, what mental health issues do I have, etc pp.

I am completely unsure if I should ad any "chore to-dos" or only self care/mental health ones. But even those feel like chores so...

And my energy level varies strongly so I thought about keeping it vague like idk "do one relaxing thing"-like maybe. So I could decide on that day, what I think I will get done. But that's pretty unsatifying.

Ah and, as much as I love such book and diaries etc, writing it down feels like a chore too so... It sounds worse than it is, I had some results but everything in this world sounds like a chore so I am unsure how to make this fun and manageable and neither go to the extreme nor give up.

Give me all your ideas and examples and plans.

Hi anon,

As soon as I saw your ask I just knew I wanted to answer it ~ I have ADHD, but because of other chronic health issues - I cannot take stimulant medications for it and rely on my adaptations to manage symptoms (and yup, some of my mental energy does get used up doing it this way - but it is possible for some of us!). I wanted to start by sharing some resource links and articles first:

The Best Work Schedule for ADHD Brains: Flexible or Rigid? (with resources at the end, and lots of reflections from a variety of folks who benefit from both - great starting point to see which style resonates with you)

Adults With Executive Function Disorder (scroll about halfway down for tips and resources)

Tips and Tricks for Executive Function Disorder (geared towards the caretaker of a child with it, but still impactful suggestions, including movement breaks and reward systems)

Executive Function Disorder: Bullet Journal (one person’s personal bullet journal and how an adaptable reward system - shaped like a bingo card - really helped them) 

But also wanted to share what I use/tell myself throughout the day/week to help: (under the cut to help avoid the post getting super long)

I personally use an adapted planner for the overall schedule, it’s got enough blank spaces where if I want to “change it up” I can do that week to week, but in general this is the place where I store my overall monthly calendar and every Sunday night write out my week ahead of “big things” (apps, time sensitive errands, etc).  

I take a picture of my monthly calendar, as well as my weekly so even if I’m out and about I can quickly refer to it if someone asks about a date - versus saying “I’ll check my calendar later and get back to you” . . . and then - never doing it, whoops!

People in my life are used to it by now, but essentially if someone tells me something like “next weekend is so and so’s birthday” - I’ll take a moment to set an alarm reminder to add it to my calendar when I’m home, and or make a text message note on my phone, and set an alarm that essentially reads “don’t forget to add your text notes to the calendar” (some days I can have like fifteen alarms going off throughout the day, but this way I also manage to add the information I need to, versus feeling like I’m constantly forgetting something, or worse, expending limited mental energy constantly cycling through a “don’t forget don’t forget don’t forget” concentration).

I timeblock my day every morning before everyone else is awake, for example: 7 to 8 - studies, 9 to 10 - social, and so on.  By doing it every day, I can refer back to it throughout the day and adjust as needed but also not plan too far ahead with no adaptability to changing circumstances.  I also ensure that for a chunk of “serious chores” I also schedule in what I like to call “serotonin boosts” - whether that’s some friends time, or creative time, whatever sparks joy for you.  There have definitely been days where I felt like I could not do one more email - and then reminded myself that as soon as I got through the five I scheduled myself for, then I could draw for an hour (a basic ‘this, then that’ reward system).  Suddenly, I manage to push through it, and often quicker than I had originally thought it would take - allowing me to have even more time with something that brings joy.

If I have to be somewhere at a certain time, I set several alarms, almost like a countdown 

I like to use fun color pens, or even pens with like fuzzy balls, or some other sort of stimming part to it as I work - it allows me a moment to stim if I need it, even when I’m tackling the “boring brain dump” stuff.

No amount of telling my brain “just do it” for twenty minutes is going to magically create the dopamine/serotonin it needs to do the thing.  So if a reward isn’t working, I get up and move with a timer to get it going that way, and then try again.

I’m sure there’s plenty more ideas/tips/tricks - anyone stumbling on this, please feel free to comment, reblog, and add to it, but I hope it’s a helpful start for you and anyone else out there looking for adaptions. - Mod Kat

[enluv]

they clumsily reveal your relationship

— enhypen hyung line x fem!reader

warnings: none! all fluff :)

◜heeseung◞

he forgets to turn off vlive 😬

Heeseung is smart, and yes I say that a lot but it's because he really is. I don't think he'd even register that he didn't turn off Vlive like he'd be like "okay bye!" then shut off his phone and that's when you walk in and hand him some snacks and maybe even tell him how well the live went. Right as he's going to pull you into his arms the door is flung open and a staff is whisper yelling that the vlive is still on. Poor boy literally freezes and just turns to his camera slowly opening back up his phone to turn off vlive (he checks it thrice to make sure it's off). I think it's safe to say that he trends for a while that night till the next and even though people don't see you, they just know that you're his significant other.

◜jay◞

flashes your contact name on live 😐

Jay is scheduled to have a vlive in the morning but since he can't sleep, he asks the staff if he can do it the night before rather and without hesitation they agreed (this is one of their biggest regrets to date). Normally Jay keeps his phone on dnd and just chills with engenes but he really does not anticipate a call from you so he leaves it off and while he's showing off a picture he'd taken earlier that day, your call comes in, flashing thousands of people his contact name for you, "y/n ❤" (a lil basic but it gets the point across). Not even going to lie...Jay just pretends it didn't happen. No seriously he slides it away and goes back to showing his pictures. Of course internally he is freaking the frick out but he knows that if he plays this off right, then it'll be okay.

◜jake◞

admits it on weekly idol 🤥

Weekly idol is known as one of the funniest shows an idol can appear on. It's host know exactly how to get idols to let loose and spill all the piping hot tea on their fellow members, and it never fails without a doubt. This time around their targets are none other than new boy group Enhypen's hyung line and it seems that the tactis worked because here is Jake Sim, confessing on record that he does in fact have a significant other whom he loves very much. Now that really shuts everyone up, and Jake doesn't realize his mistake until it's too late and the hosts are trying to get more facts, ones he's not ready to give. It's safe to say the segments cut out but anyone who's anyone knows about your now semi-public relationship.

◜sunghoon◞

posts your date pictures to weverse 😔

Sunghoon is one of the few members who is consistent with Weverse posts and most of the time it's a cute little selca or a fit post. Well not this time! Having your boyfriends notifications on was a must in his books (you're not sure why when he literally sends you the pictures right before posting asking if he should post them 💀) so when you'd gotten the "Sunghoon has shared a moment" notification let's just say you were definitely not expecting to see your face plastered along with his in a cute cheek kissing pose. Sunghoon deletes it immediately but the damage is done and fans are speculating who you could be. Not going to lie, it's a bit of a mess but things calm down when he addresses it on a radio show the next week, he tells the fans that you're a close friend (with your approval of course) and not to worry about it much. He'll continue to answer questions about you here and there and fans speculate but let it be, because as long as he's happy so are they!

coco's note: this posted by accident last time and I freaked out omfg but anyways here it is <3 hoon's is a lil iffy since I wasn't sure where to go with it but enjoy!

[youremeimyou]

Old Lovers

pairing: Min Yoongi x reader genre: angst with sprinkles of fluff, ex-boyfriend au word count: almost 5k warning: some passionate kissing

Description: Min Yoongi is your ex-boyfriend that you’ve parted ways not on the greatest of terms with. But in the makings of a mixtape, somethings will be rekindled. Will it be friendship or maybe more?

A/N: I’ve started writing this so long ago but only recently got to finish it. I haven’t been able to post any fics in a while even though I’ve got a lot of wip. I’m graduating uni and my life’s basically a chaos right now. But I liked writing this a lot. I hope you enjoy! Please let me know what you think of it :) [posting again cuz it’s not showing on tags ughh]

Going back to school has never been this painful to you before. Of course assingments, exams and longer than necessary lectures were always there to welcome you back to hell every year but no new semester intimidated you quite like this one does. Especially after the very much disconnected summer break you had.

Spending the summer in your hometown of Gwangju was a rushed decision that was actually forced upon you at the time. But it turned out to be exactly what you needed. At least, Hoseok made sure that it was. Being your life-long friend, he took matters into his own hands when you couldn't pull yourself together after the rough patch you've been through. The Hoseok-ie rule he called it: No getting in touch with anyone in Seoul. And while it was a little hard not reaching out to close friends in Seoul, you couldn't risk breaking the Hoseok-ie rule. He's sweet and you love him but that guy is one scary motherfucker when he's pissed.

Now, summertime's over and you're definetely not prepared to face your demons. It doesn't help that Hoseok's classes aren't starting until next week, either. That means you have to go through this alone.

On your way from the subway station to the campus, you check the new weekly schedule once more and it makes you let out a dissappointed huff. You can't blame anyone. You made this schedule. But do you have any idea why you decided to put music theory at 9 in the morning while you were making it? No.

Your legs take action before you know it and suddenly you're now turning to the other street. They continue to take you through another familiar path. As you close in on the shop at the corner, the calming smell of coffee reaches your nose and you realise why coming here was more tempting than attending class.

This coffee shop was your safe haven for the past three years and this semester isn't going to be any different. Even though it's so close to campus, not many people know about it and it's never hectic. Which is something you love and right now, definetely need. Some peace and quiet before starting the semester...

You enter and head straight to the barista, who happens to be a friend of yours since you're a regular.

"Hey Ryu."

"Well well, if it isn't Miss I'll come everyday this summer that never showed up once." Ryu has sarcasm alongside with mischief in his voice.

"I know but Hoseok kept me in Gwangju as a prisoner the whole summer, I'm sorry."

"Where's that dancing machine?"

"He doesn't have classes until next week so it's just me for now." You're still not over the fact he left you on your own for the first week.

"It's fine, you're not alone. Look!" Ryu points to the back where the tables are. You're confused as to who he could be pointing at. You and Hoseok are the only ones you know that come here- except...

In a flash, you stop turning around and hurriedly order a black coffee. "Please make it quick." you plead quietly but what's done is done, he already knows you're here. In fact you can hear footsteps approaching.

"That drink was great, dude. What's it called again?" He appears on your right side in his all-black outfit with a snapback. Nothing's changed about him, you think. Except you see some of his hair through the hat and it seems to be bleached. Something he hasn't done for a while. For the two years you two were together, to be exact.

"Oh, it's called yuanyang. You think I should put it on the menu?"

"Definetely, go for it."

It seems like he doesn't even acknowlegde the fact that you're right next to him. But why the hell did he even come here? You totally introduced him to this place and Ryu. So, you should get to keep this place after the break-up. Aren't those the rules?

He takes out his wallet to pay but pauses for a second. "Ryu, can I get two cookies to go?" he asks and hands over his card.

Two cookies? You know he doesn't like sugaries that much. You're almost sure he's meeting someone and it makes you scoff, unconsciously. Both him and Ryu side-eye you but you avert your gaze. "Chocolate ones, please." he adds. You think he must be ordering your favorites just to spite you.

He recieves the cookies from Ryu, fistbumps the guy and starts walking out. But then, just as he passes by you, he leaves one of the cookies on the counter in front of you and exits without another word.

First, you're shocked. And so is Ryu, apparently. You glance at him and he confusedly shrugs. Then, you're pissed. In a moment of anger, you blast out of there to go after him.

"Hey, Min Yoongi!" you shout.

He stops but doesn't turn around for a while. Just when he's about to, you appear right in front of him, the cookie in your hand.

"What's this?"

"What does it look like to you?" he retorts back, his eyes avoiding yours. And you frustratedly huff.

"What are you trying to pull?" you ask with hints of accusation in your voice. That's when he meets your gaze.

"Nothing at all. My fault for trying to be nice."

There it is, the Min Yoongi venom you were waiting for. He opens his mouth to say something else but you beat him to it.

"Ryu doesn't seem to know that we-" you pause. And immediately regret pausing. Why couldn't you just say it?

"Oh, right. You must be thinking that life stopped while you were away." And only as he says this that you notice the dark circles under his eyes. "He knows. So do a lot of other people, by the way."

Well, shit. You might've been away from all the post-breakup commotion but he was here. He was dealing with everyone of your social circle, alone. And what's the first thing you do when you see him for the first time after all that? Lashing out at him. And when he was just trying to be nice, too. Great...

"Can you move? I'm missing class." he says coldly. But despite trying to hide it, his voice sounds tired. Which makes you step out of his way and let him go. Instead, you start making your own way to class, being already late as it is.

Safe to say it's an awkward walk to campus, with you on one side of the street and Yoongi on the other. The bad news is, you constantly find yourself looking his way. Even though you curse under your breath everytime you catch yourself staring at him, you can't help but look again. But his eyes are completely fixed on the road, not even sparing you one glance.

To escape the awkwardness, you decide taking the longer route to class by heading for the stairs at the back while he takes the ones near the entrance. Since you're late and afraid of Professor Sol, you fasten your pace. Once you reach the door, your hand clashes into someone else's. Yoongi's. Of course, you think to yourself. You should've known he's taking music theory from Professor Sol. He's the best student when it comes to music and the best teacher here definetely wants him on his class.

It's too late when you realise you haven't removed your hand because he opens the door with yours under his, making it feel as though you're holding hands.

"So you finally decided to grace us with your presence? You shouldn't have. The class is about to end." Professor Sol scolds the two of you. She isn't exactly wrong. "I can pardon a student who already excells but the one who barely passes classes, I hope you know what you're doing Miss Y/N." One thing about her is that she notoriously discriminates between students and she's never liked you.

Yoongi's hand and yours is still connected and you feel him tense up. He actually used to be your guardian when it came to Professor Sol. And apparently old habits die hard because he grabs your hand harder and steps up a little. "The last I checked, at least eighty percent of your class fails every year, professor. It includes people who rank highest in some of the other classes. Strange, don't you think?"

Only Min Yoongi has the guts to do this. And only he gets a free pass after doing it. When the professor simply points you in the direction of the seats, Yoongi pulls you by the hand he’s still holding and sits you down. There’s immediately talk going around, people discussing if you were back together and all that. That’s when he snaps out of it and lets your hand go. So you’re finally able to let out the breath you were unknowingly holding. Then, he goes to one of the back seats and sits down himself. And you quietly wonder why that hurts you.

It's Hoseok's first day back and the two of you are enjoying some coffee at Ryu's shop, after a long school day.

"Y/N, I've got some bad news." he says, looking gloomy all of a sudden.

"Wha- hurry up and tell me." You hate the suspense, it makes you worry.

"I haven't been able to find a studio that we can continue the album with." He looks really upset. That's only natural, he's been working on this project for over a year now. Before you broke up with Yoongi, Hoseok was writing and producing a mixtape in Yoongi's studio with you and Yoongi's help. After you parted ways, the mixtape was put on hold.

"I've saved a lot of money this summer. We can look into some expensive ones too, I'm sure we can-"

"It's not the money, Y/N. I can't work on it the way I want to in any of those other studios. Even if it's one of the expensive ones." he cuts in. Yes, Yoongi was probably the only person to let Hoseok do his own thing.

"Well then, you should talk to Yoongi. I'm sure he'll be cool with working with you, still. As long as I don't show up, it should be fine."

He rolls his eyes. "I can't do it without you, Y/N. I'll need your help, so you'll have to show up eventually."

It's your turn to roll your eyes. You don't want anything to do with that studio. But you know how important this mixtape is to Hoseok, so you say okay. Even though you doubt Yoongi would be fine with you being there.

Speak of the devil and he shall appear. In his damned, cursed, beautiful leather jacket... This time there's no hat so you can fully observe his bleached hair and notice how it's grown longer.

"Would you really be okay with it? I don't wanna put you in this position, no. Let's just forget it-"

"Hoseok-ie, you're lovely. But for now, shut up." You get up and make your way to Yoongi's table. Hoseok's mixtape has to be done, no matter what. Seems like he hasn't noticed you so you clear your throat to grab his attention.

"What?" he asks, not looking at you. Your blood slowly starts to boil.

"I need to ask you something-"

"Ryu, I kinda need that coffee asap, buddy!" He cuts you off by hollering at the barista and starts to gather his things. He really must want to get on your nerves.

"Actually, first things first, why in the bloody hell are you still coming here?" You can't help but lash out again. You discovered this place after all, you have the right to claim it.

"Excuse me?"

"I showed you this place, it's my territory. Don't you know the break-up rules?"

He laughs at that. In such a condescending way that you regret saying it. He stops getting ready and settles on the table once again. "You're cute."

Oh, you're so close to smacking him on the head.

"And you're an asshole."

Ryu comes with Yoongi's order and leaves it on the table. "I thought you were in a hurry." He says while heading back to the counter.

"I suddenly wanna stay longer." Yoongi states, looking straight at you.

Every fiber of your being wants to avoid his eyes and run away from there, he knows exactly how to make you vulnerable. But you endure. For Hoseok.

"I'll get to the point. Hoseok needs to keep working with you. Our situation shouldn't effect his mixtape, don't you think?"

He switches to serious mode quickly. "Was this your idea or his?"

"What does it matter-"

"I'm only okay with it if he wants to do it on his own will and not by you forcing him."

Okay, you do get a little bossy sometimes but he didn't have to put it as harsh as that.

"He wants to. He refused other studios and all that."

You think you see his lips curve into a small smile for a second. Hoseok and Yoongi got along very well, actually. You never wanted for them to stop being friends, anyway. This might be a chance for them to catch up even. Of course, there's a slight problem.

"But- he says he can't do it without... well, me. He wants to make sure that you're okay with-"

"Not a problem." Yoongi unexpectantly cuts you off. You're rendered speechless due to shock. He finally turns his head and looks at you. "My studio is a workplace, Y/N. Why would it bother me when you're there for work purposes? Especially when you're essential to the process."

Yoongi's sense of kindness is a very strong thing. But it's well hidden under all the coldness and sarcasm. You'd know, it had taken you a while to get to it. But when you did, it made you fall for him even harder at the time. And now, even though things between you are over, you can still see it.

"Thanks..." is all you can say while turning around to go back but suddenly your feet stop and turn back around. "Actually, thanks for before with Professor Sol, too. Even though you don't need to stand up for me anymore-"

"It's not that I needed to, Y/N. It's that I wanted to."

He goes back to gathering his stuff and you head back to give Hoseok the details of how it went. Just as you're about to, Yoongi stops by your table before leaving.

"Hoseok-ie, text me later to come up with a schedule for studio hours, okay?"

Hoseok is visibly happy and responds with a big smile. "Sure thing."

It's been three weeks since Hoseok started to work at Yoongi's studio again. But today is the first time that you'll be going there since the break-up. Even though time has passed, you're still not used to being around Yoongi all the time. Like having to attend almost all the classes with him and also, well... without him.

Without him sitting next to you, practically glued to your side, while you both silently giggle in the middle of the lecture as he whispers stupid jokes in your ear. The fact that you're consantly around him (not by choice by the way) prevents you from getting over him.

And now the studio... One of the most dangerous places for you now because of the memories you have with him there. You know, an intimate, indoor space with dim lights... A perfect spot for activities you definitely don't want to be reminded of. But for your best friend Hoseok, you have to go.

When you arrive, you call Hoseok to open up the door, too nervous to ring the doorbell. Once you enter, your giggly friend drags you hurriedly into the recording room.

"Okay warm your voice up. We should start with the vocals-"

"Wow there, pickle." you say. Vocals were maybe the only thing you told him you wouldn't do. What did he think? That he could hurry you into it and you wouldn't notice? "What vocals, Hoseok? I'm here to arrange, mix and maybe write some melodies, you know that."

"Shhh... look you gotta. Otherwise Yoongi's gonna have some other girl do it and I don't want that."

What girl? For as long as you can remember, Yoongi has tried to get you to sing. For Hoseok's and other albums. But you don't have confidence in your voice so you've always refused. And now he just wants some other girl?

"Have you told him you don't want that?"

"Yes, obviously. He told me if I can't convince you, we had no other choice. So c'mon, just try for me? Pleaseee?"

You sneakily glance out the window to see Yoongi talking with the said girl. She’s probably from your school even though you haven’t seen her here before. She’s standing a bit too close to Yoongi’s chair and leaning on him a little but that’s none of your business. And you definetely don’t care. But still, you can’t have someone whom Hoseok’s not comfortable with, sing in his own damn album.

You go out the room and toward Yoongi and the girl. “We need to speak.” you say and head for the other room. Yoongi huffs while following after you.

“What is it miss grumpy?”

You roll your eyes. “Are you really pulling an ultimatom on me like this? Hoseok clearly isn’t okay with this girl-”

“Hoseok isn’t okay with anyone but you. This isn’t my ultimatom, it’s his. Marley’s like the third person I asked to do this and he didn’t like any of them. Because what he wants is your voice. You really can’t see that Y/N?”

He sounds fed up and exhausted. What he says makes sense too, since you know how stubborn and sneaky your best friend can be.

He continues. “Look, if we want the album to proceed there are three options. First is Marley does the vocals and Hoseok will be unhappy about it. Second is there’ll be no female vocals which will make the whole thing empty and far from what we planned. Or third, you can do them and save us all the grimace.”

He makes it seem like he doesn’t care which you’ll go with but in his eyes, you can see hope that you’ll say yes to the third. But no. You’re not ready, you can’t. In your mind, you suck. So you convince Hoseok to go with Marley for now.

So, days go by. Marley comes pretty often to record. Hoseok’s not frowning that much about it anymore. And you notice how every chance she gets, Marley is pulling the moves on Yoongi. Which seem to work, since sometimes they come in or leave together. None of it bothers you at all, you tell yourself.

One day, you come in pretty late at night remembering you left your notes there. Since you have a spare key, you think you can be in and out unnoticed. Silly you because once you hear Yoongi playing the piano, you can’t just leave. You wait outside the room until he’s done and some stupid momentary courage makes you go in.

“Oh- I’m sorry.” you instantly say when you see Marley sitting next to him. “I just forgot my- I was leaving-”

“Wait!” Yoongi says hurridly to stop you. “We were done here anyway.”

Marley doesn’t look happy but gets up and leaves.

“No really, I got my notes and I was about to head out. She doesn’t need to leave on my account-”

“It’s not on your account. But since you came in here, you must have something to say?”

Why does it feel like he wants you to say something? Why does it seem like he wants you to stay? You’re convinced it’s your own mind playing tricks on you.

“No. I don’t.” you lie with a broken voice. But your feet aren’t leaving. And Yoongi is still staring at you with a cold attitude but expecting eyes.

“Fine.” you give up and say. “I thought the piano room wasn’t allowed to just anyone. I guess since she was in here...” you cut yourself off. The piano room was kind of your special place when you were together. Nobody other than you was allowed in here. This is the place you two would spend hours and hours coming up with songs. Or just talking about things you shared only with each other.

“I’m just giving her piano lessons for some extra cash. And this room doesn’t mean much to me anymore.”

His answer dissappoints you. Not the part that he indirectly said they weren’t dating. The latter part. “And here I thought the whole secrecy of the piano room was just your way of pulling the moves on whoever you’re dating.” As long as the sentence is finished, you regret saying it. You know it isn’t right. What you said is unfair to every intimate and meaningful moment you had with him here. And your words come down like the last drop on his patience.

He shoots out of the seat. “If I wasn’t so goddamn sure that you already know how you’re the first person I ever brought in here, I’d be hurt. But instead I’m just pissed.”

He’s right to be. So you can’t say anything back.

“How can you even-” he stops for a moment. “But that’s just your way, isn’t it? Spit out venom whenever you don’t like something.”

“Me?” you ask in shock. Now this you can’t have. “No. Poisonous words are your specialty.”

“And you already left me for it, didn’t you? You left me so why would you care who I bring in here anyway?” He’s switched to his shouting voice now.

“You’re right, I’m sorry. But I left because you pushed me away, Yoongi.” He averts his gaze to the floor while you continue. “I know that you love music more than anything else but what I also happen to know is that you use it as an escape. An excuse to not get too close. But guess what? We were already too close for me to not realise what you were doing! And that is why I left!”

Both of you are obviously done shouting and silence takes over the room for a while. You already had to push back tears like twice now, so you decide to leave but just then, Yoongi has something to say.

“This room will never have any significance with anyone else besides you. Just know that.” he silently admits with his eyes still fixed on the ground. You don’t say anything and just walk away.

It’s nearly the end of the semester and Hoseok’s mixtape is finally finished. He was so exited that he accidentely published it three times in a row on soundcloud. And the fact that he’s getting some great feedback is the icing on top.

In the meantime, you’ve been doing a lot of thinking. After that fight with Yoongi, you’ve started to seriously consider the fact that maybe leaving him just like that was a mistake. Because yes, you were hurt that after all you had been through, he was still trying to keep you at bay. You felt like as you were falling completely and irreversably for him, he was still holding back. But when you left, you were gone all the way. Leaving him all alone when you knew he was hurt.

Spending the last couple of months together, you finally admitted to yourself that you missed him. And that it did bother you seeing him with other girls. It bothered you that Marley was so obviously into him. Even though he made it clear he wasn’t interested, you still felt... jealous.

But you never mustered up the courage to talk to him about any of these. Even though it seems like lately he’s trying not to be cold around you, trying to strike up random converstions in efforts to perhaps recover at least your friendship. For some stupid reason you can’t seem to dare let him back in.

Your buzzing phone pulls you out of your thoughts. You check and see it’s your best friend that you’ve been feeling extra proud of these days.

“Yes, my successful, on his way to become a star best friend?”

“Oh my god, Y/N. You won’t believe this!” he squeaks while talking. And you hate the suspense so you tell him to hurry up and tell you what’s up.

“Yoongi’s friend in radio 12 agreed to play the title song!”

“What??” you start to squeak in exitement as well. “When? When will it be on?”

“In about two minutes! Just put the station on, now!” he orders and hangs up immediately. He’ll probably call his parents next. You quickly do as he says and for sure, the next song is Hoseok’s title track. You start hopping in your bed, dancing around in your room with the dumbest smile on your face but then-

The bridge comes and it’s your voice. That’s impossible, you think. But it is you singing the bridge. And then it hits you. That one night you snuck into the studio with your spare key and recorded this exact bit, just to see how it’d be... As always, you thought it wasn’t good enough. But instead of deleting, you hid the file. Guess you couldn’t hide it that well, after all. Was it Hoseok that did this? Or...

Your phone buzzes again and once again it’s Hoseok. “Y/N- This was the best surprise you ever made for me. I’m literally about to cry, you sound so good! Thank you for doing this.”

It wasn’t Hoseok, then. But you’re thrilled to know he likes it that much. You’re thrilled to hear yourself on a freaking radio station that so many people listen to! It feels amazing. It gives you so much confidence. So much that after ending the call with Hoseok, you decide to go to the only person left who could’ve done this.

You’re at Yoongi’s door. You haven’t been here for a long time but despite the nervousness, you manage to knock. It’s pretty late but you know he’s a night owl, he should be up. Soon enough, he opens the door. He’s taken aback to see you at first but then his surprised expression turns into worry.

“I know why you’re here. I’m sorry I used the recording without your consent but-”

You launch yourself onto him and crash your lips on his. His response is so quick that it’s almost automatic. He pulls you in even more, closes the door with his foot and traps your body againts the wall with his own. All the while not parting your lips once. Your hands go to his hair. You’ve been wanting to brush your fingers through his hair ever since you’ve seen that he bleached it again after two years. You pull at the tips slightly. It makes him hum into your mouth.

“Wait-” he says while he pulls away suddenly. “You-” You’re both out of breath. “Are you really okay with what I did?”

“Yes.” You close the distance once again and this time he moves you to the couch. You’ve missed this couch. You’ve missed him...

He pulls back again. “Y/N- wait. What are we doing?”

“What do you think?” you tease as your lips travel down to his neck.

“I wanna talk to you first, though.” he manages to say between his panting.

“So talk.” you say and go back to the week spots on his neck, secretly smiling against his skin.

“You’re not-” he swallows a groan. “exactly making it easy.” He then pulls your head up to face him and gives you another long kiss. But this time not out of the heat of the moment. Instead with so much meaning engraved on it.

“Y/N... I never meant to hurt you.” he says staring into your eyes. “You were right, I was a coward but- I swear if you give me another chance, I will give it my all. I’ll be a thousand percent in.”

You smile. He looks so much like a lost puppy that it makes you want to tease him. “Well, prove that to me right now then.” you say slyly.

“Uhh- I will. I- I’m gonna go dye my hair brown, right now. I bleached it to get your attention, anyway. Not to attract others, I promise.” he says in panic.

You burst into laughter. When you first started dating, you talked him into not bleaching his hair anymore. You always said it was only for his health but he always knew you were jealous of girls getting attracted because of it, too. “No, don’t. I actually missed how even hotter it makes you look. Let’s keep that for now.” you say. “I was kidding, you don’t have to do or say any-”

“I love you.”

You pause. It’s not the first time he tells you that. But this time he says it in such a way that you’re certain it’s the real thing. Even more real than before. “I love you, too.”

“So...” he leans into you and whispers in your ear. “Couch or bed?”

You both giggle. “Surprise me.” you whisper back and he quickly tries to lift you but fails, making you both laugh out loud. “Umm- I haven’t been working out lately, baby. I’m sorry.” he says between giggles.

Between all the laughter, you silently thank him for giving you another chance, too. And make a mental promise that you won’t give this up so easily ever again.

....

A/N: This was my first Yoongi fic and I feel good about it. It’s really hard to imagine Yoongi not being a god at music so anytime I use him as a character, he’s always a prodigy lol. I can’t help it he’s just really good. Anyways if you’ve bared with this, thank you sooo much for reading and I hope you liked it. Let me know if you did. Always wash your hands and stay healthy :)

[msgrumpygills]

I gotta say, the more relatable the Pads try to seem, the more they piss people off.

I am a mother two. My husband constantly works to keep us afloat and I take side jobs when I can as long as it works with my kid's school schedules because we can't afford child care. I don't have multiple nannies to watch my kids or help with housework and you know what? I don't complain about how hard it is. It's the life I chose to have. I don't expect praise for doing what I am supposed to do. My husband works 5 days a week and when he isn't working, he's spending time with us. Sometimes he'll even take the kids off my hands for a few hours so I can get a break because that's what a good father and husband does. When he posts about them on social media, it's always talking about how grateful he is to spend the time with them that he does get to spend. And we all get on each other's nerves. The kids drive both of us crazy and we drive each other crazy, but we don't try and pretend like we're perfect. We're a typical family.

A family who can afford to have staff on hand at all times, a mother who never has to worry about bills and education, who never has to feel guilty for taking a few minutes to herself because she knows someone else is there to take care of whatever she's putting off, a mother who has time to do anything other than provide for her spouse and her children...a father who spends all his free time away from home, who complains about how hard it is to be around his kids, a man who praises his wife for all that she does without acknowledging that she has help, all while pretending that they are perfect...that's not a family, that's Hollywood.

Pictire perfect doesn't exist and anyone with a brain knows that. If they want to peddle their crap they need to stop trying so hard and be real for once because, lets be honest, you cant live off the money of adoring fans forever. People lose interest in thing over time and Walker isn't exactly thriving. Eventually the spn crowd is going to fizzle out (of course there will still be those few who stay forver) and a handful of people emptying their pockets to line theirs isn't enough to keep their lifestyle. People don't want to see perfect and they sure as hell don't want to listen to people with more money than anyone needs and help around every corner complain about how hard life is for them. And sure? Celebrities have struggles, but those struggles are not on the same level as the people they're trying to relate to. People definitely don't want to keep shelling out their hard earned money give to a celebrity so that celebrity can donate a portion of it to a charity when thay celebrity has more than enough to reach the goal that they set on their own.

I hope they wake up to reality soon. Otherwise they're gonna end up like the rest of us and as much as I would pay to see that wake up call, i don't wish that kind of abrupt life change on those children (being raised by parents who don't know how to function without gobs of money and never had to raise them alone could be seriously damaging)

I want to say that I commend you and admire you so much! I can’t imagine the strength and willpower it takes to do what you do, and if no one has told you today, you are so appreciated! <3 

Your family is the exact type that Jared and Gen are trying to portray. They wanna paint themselves as the hardworking parents that work so hard to support and take care of their three kids and how Gen is a hero for doing it all on her own while Jared is winning that bread. They’re definitely actors playing a role here and their “family” is as authentic as Jared’s sobriety. 

I think by trying to be relatable, they just make asses of themselves. Everyone knows they have a staff of help, but Gen acts like she has to fight to get time to herself. Jared acts like seeing his kids is the worst thing on the planet and he makes sure everyone knows it. Like I said, some parents joke around about the kids driving them insane, but it’s not every single post. On top of that, those parents who make those jokes once in a while are present all the time, they’re with the kids, they appreciate their kids, they don’t pop in for the weekly dad appearance and then complain about it the whole time. Jared might think he’s being cute and relatable, but he looks like an asshole. 

I don’t know if anyone else here ever watched Wife Swap, but I would LOVE to see the Pads swap lives with an actual family who has actual problems. They would implode. I think you’re right about the kids, they’re the ones who are going to suffer ultimately, more than they probably already are.  Their father is barely there (I wanna say Jared brought that up about his kids not really knowing him? Maybe it was someone else so don’t quote me on that.) and when he is there, he acts like he can’t get away fast enough. He just pops in for the staged “family goals” pictures and then shovels the kids back onto the nannies so he can go act like a 20-something college kid.  Their mother only pays attention to them when she needs them to pose for her charade of happy family on instagram. When she doesn’t need them, she’s shilling them onto the nannies so she can go have “me time” which she certainly doesn’t get enough of, being unemployed and letting ghost writers take care of her passion projects. When she should be a caring mother, she monetizes it. Nothing is genuine and you can tell that the kids are getting tired of being the performing monkeys for her clickbait social media posts. 

I’d hope that Jared has some money stored away and has invested it well so they’ll be prepared for when Supernatural fizzles out and when Walker (hopefully sooner than later) dies out. Gen won’t be able to jet around the country and buy clothes that are as much as car payments, and Jared won’t have the extra money to go blow on weekend getaways and traveling to anywhere that isn’t his compound. They might even have to downsize and what are they gonna do without their 3 gyms, tennis court, pool and guest house? 

I hope they get a wake-up call or snap out of it, but I don’t see that ever happening with these people. 

[foxymoxynoona]

Hello,

I've just binge-read Lowlander these past couple of days and my head is sPinniNG with everything that's happened. The fact that there's been so much plot and character development in one single month(!!) of Marguerite being there, and that you've managed to create so much context and feeLinGs, all kinds of feelings, leaves me in awe. M's thoughts bouncing everywhere all the time were very understandable and I love that she's still so strong and hasn't given up her wish to make a choice.

(ngl, can't believe I read 40 chapters so fast haha, wish i'd been as quick with the books i had to read in school and uni)

I didn't comment on ao3 at all bc I was too curious about what would happen next, but now that I'm done with the available chapters I've come here to just asdhjklhds @ you haha

I would like to know, though, if you have a posting schedule for its chapters, like you had/have for other fics(?) If you do, could you tell me what day of the week I should usually check ao3 for a new chapter? Or if you post every other week or in any other way? I don't mean to pressure you or anything, sorry if it comes across that way (๑•﹏•)

I'm all over the place with this ask oops

(PS: i'm also reading Amended and I swear it would make such a good book. I know I'd buy it and recommend it to friends if it ever got published hehe )

Anyway, take care 💜

I wish I still had a reliable posting schedule I could give you! I used to have set days but now I’m mostly writing as I go which is a little slower. So I post in a rotation. I update all my stories weekly but sometimes that means Mon-Thurs and sometimes that means Wed-Sat. Just sort of depends when I’m able to steal my writing time. sometimes one story gets a bonus chapter. It’s really hard to predict, so sorry! But at least the answer is “I update frequently.” No worries though, I don’t feel pressured, I’m just glad you’re looking forward to more!

Binge-reading Lowlander sounds exhaaaausting, haha. It’s such a roller coaster of a story. So much happens. We all aged 3 years reading this story, lol.

I’m so flattered you like Amended too! To be honest, and I think I made a note about htis in the beginning, I just morally couldn’t bring myself to try and publish something that glorifies police, not with how morally corrupt and evil the police institution is in the United States. So if I tried to publish it, I’d need to change it up to give JK a different profession... which maybe I will! But I don’t know, I’m just having so much fun writing guilt-free and sharing with so many wonderful people. Hearing from so many who’ve said my writing has helped them on bad days or get through quarantine has been wonderful “payment” for me. My only real benefit to trying the publishing route as I see it would be that it’d be sweet if I could quit my job and just write these stories full time, haha

Anyway, thanks for your support and kind words!  💜 💜

[bettsfic]

the thing is that I don't want to abandon them, it's just that can't sit down and write, my brain is mush w/o ADHD meds, I can barely keep my grammar proper without a beta reader. It's been years with some works and struggling with them became part of my weekly routine, but if ppl r starting to notice, maybe I should just give my babies up? Not as 'revenge' or anything hahah I just don't want to keep ppl waiting and having a reputation doesn't feel good.1

I wrote this entire intricate murder mystery story that is secretly a choose your own adventure type of deal (the story is set, the options just change the character's personal outcome if that makes sense), but the reception has been overall negative because no one wants to 'get hurt again', so now I'm stumped and wondering whether or not I should just marie kondo my files and retire those stories. I guess I might have a real hoarding problem? Why am I using u as a diary? 2

You can skip the two previous lowkey freakouts if you want hahah I guess my question is: how can you tell it's time to give up? How do you know you have nothing else to offer to a story? If I do publish the outline, do you think it'll just kill the odds of me ever finishing it? How do you stop treating your stories as living, breathing individuals that can and WILL be hurt if you delete some of their files? 3

well first of all, i would never delete anything i write. i put old stuff into folders labeled “x abandoned” (so they show up at the bottom) or “delayed” if i’ve put them down but think i’ll come back to them eventually. 

it doesn’t bother me to abandon stuff anymore, because i always set things down for a reason, even if i’m not aware of it. i got 40k into a novel and put it down, and it took me over a year to realize it was structurally all wrong, and that i need to completely rewrite it with the new structure. 

i have a fic that’s maybe 10k, and it really just needs a polish before it’s postable, but i haven’t done that and it’s been over 2 years. it’s a post-canon fic for a show that isn’t over, and the next season comes out in 2022 or something like that, so i might pick it up again after next season and see if it’s worth salvaging.

i think what might be helpful is to go through your WIPs and see, not which ones you like most, but which are the most viable to complete. make a spreadsheet with all the titles of your wips in one column and the status of those wips in another. when you do this, you’ll probably see that a lot of things were good ideas but are not totally viable to complete, and those are the ones you can put in your delayed/abandoned folder. of what remains, you’ll find that you have your fics that were maybe too ambitious, and your investment in them is not higher than the labor it would take to complete them. those can go in the folder too. 

what’s left will be the stories you’ve put a lot of work into probably and that you care the most about. order those fics by closest to completion, and do an estimate of how long it would take you to complete them. 20 hours? 40? 80? and really think about if you want to put that work in. if yes, schedule time in advance to do it. one hour every morning on the wip that means the most to you. you may also consider capping the workload -- anything that would take you over 20 hours to complete, you should set aside.

i know adhd is working against you in this regard, and that might make tasks like this more difficult than they would otherwise be. i hope you’re able to get treatment, because that’ll make tasks like the ones i’ve described above a lot less arduous. what might help is to hang out with a friend (in person or online even) who can anchor you while you work and with whom you can talk while you make these decisions, and they can give you feedback on the things you should keep working on or set aside. 

your goal is to narrow your list to 1 to 3 wips with a max workload of 40 estimated hours.

this is very prescriptive advice, but i know a lot of writers with mile-long wip lists and this is the process i take them through to narrow them down. do not feel bad about setting things aside or abandoning them -- one day, your interest in them might return, and they’ll be there waiting for you. or, you’ll use what you learn from one abandoned project to sow seeds for a different project. you may take language, images, conflicts, and characterizations from an abandoned work to give life to a new work. i promise, nothing you make is ever wasted. 

i hope this helps. feel free to keep me posted!