#can't keep me away for too long
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
listened to oingo boingo in the shower and inspiration struck like uhhhhh sorry i have no comparison it's late at night okay
#tf2#tf2 fanart#oingo boingo#medic tf2#kinda had snail in mind while making this#i know she likes medic#and i guess i'm back from my detox#can't keep me away for too long#hello everyone#i'm doing better i think#thank you for being patient with me#eyestrain#bright colors#cw eyestrain
473 notes
·
View notes
Note
Hi I have caught up to you on having feelings about Zhuzhi-Lang. He's a good boy! 🥺 Good snake boy! 🥺 I had the thought, after Zhuzhi let SQQ leave after SQQ yelled at him... what if they Stole Him. What if.
(Also have you read/been recommended anything by corduroyserpent yet? Big writer of Zhuzhi-Lang fics, including a very cute de-aged Zhuzhi-Lang and some zhushen)
Justifications of bride-stealing!
(AND HE'S THE BEST BOY 😭 I LOVE HIM SO MUCH, SO MUCH!! have some further au thoughts because this has contaminated my brain...)
What I think would actually happen if they stole SQQ? Absolutely nothing good for anyone, LBH would Lose His Fucking Mind xD as a more interesting answer though, I like the idea that Shen "Pedantic Nitpicky Asshole" Qingqiu's primary point of argument is that he is not a bride so he cannot be "bridenapped" regardless of demonic tradition or intention!
This eventually leads to them all completely avoiding the Maigu Ridge incident because TLJ realizes that, somehow, SQQ doesn't realize the depths of his son's feelings for him and decides to put all his efforts into being a wingman for his nephew instead because he finds the entire thing absolutely hilarious and rather satisfying after his own sad romance. Obviously someone like SQQ would do much better with his good, loyal nephew than the disappointing offspring of that disastrous relationship!
As for ZZL he just has to assume that LBH must not be treating SQQ anywhere near the way he should be (and like... he isn't wrong at this point, there is a non-zero amount of torture and terror going on here) if SQQ doesn't see himself as being tied to LBH in any way. And if he's not attached to LBH then there's absolutely no reason he shouldn't make his own efforts to seduce SQQ! After all, if LBH isn't valuing SQQ properly then obviously ZZL has to step up because someone as kind as SQQ deserves the best!!!
#svsss#zhushen#zhuzhi lang#tianlang jun#shen qingqiu#sqq#zzl#tlj#my art#if this is incoherent please pardon me orz the timeline is all jumbled up in my head i read this series way too fast#but this is the rabbit hole your ask sent me down#listen i love zhuzhi-lang SO much#he is SO good and also so stupid bless his scaly heart#and tianlang-jun does NOT help matters#i want to see their combined efforts to woo sqq away from lbh i think it'd be hilarious#...however considering this would take place before getting ride of xin mo i can't imagine things. uh. go well if dragged out too long#lbh is not in like a super duber place mentally at this point in the story#on the other hand can you imagine shang qinghua witnessing this and doing his ABSOLUTE best to nope out of that nightmare#LBH'S FATHER AND COUSIN ARE TRYING TO STEAL THE PERSON LBH'S DECIDED TO ROMANCE?? WHEN HAS THAT EVER WORKED OUT WELL IN PIDW????#KEEP SQH OUT OF IT!!!! (he's not going to be allowed to stay out of it)#sqq's mental gymnastics over this romantic offensive would be very impressive#well you've given me a nice thing to think about while falling asleep tonight#EDIT: oh and as far as corduroyserpent i know i've at least read their ''i shine only with the light you gave me''#that one was absolutely WONDERFUL i was very emotional about it - i don't know whether or not i've stumbled across any of their others tho#i'll have to dive into their ao3 profile and search it more intentionally though if they come with praise like this 👀
238 notes
·
View notes
Text
Appreciate the little things.
Not to ignorantly deny all of the big bad things in the world, but to survive them.
#magpie ramblings#there's so much shit going on that it gets overwhelming#and it's sad that we've made ourselves feel guilty for looking away when it's too painful to watch#but we literally CAN'T survive if we keep dwelling on the unfairness of the world#and the more you ask why can't this happen or why is that happening#the quicker it is to just ask 'why do anything at all?' ... the answer is simple#'just because'#so fuck it#i'm going to appreciate a short video of someone drawing a cat; just because#i'm going to read a book about a long lost culture and history; just because#i'm going to post personal book reviews of books hardly anyone has heard of; just because#i'm going to be thankful that my indoor plants have been doing well; just because#i'm going to let someone make a decision i don't agree with and not confront them; just because#i'm going to spend the little of my own money helping maybe just one other person in the world; just because#i'm going to be kind to those who haven't treated me kindly; just because#i'm going to smile regardless of the unjust in this world; just because
159 notes
·
View notes
Text
I've been listening to the Thunder Saga, and I wonder if Zeus is also asking a question with a right and wrong answer in Thunder Bringer like I think Poseidon did in Ruthlessness. (I have a post for that, but I think Odysseus wasn't supposed to apologize, but to instead acknowledge that he should have killed Polyphemus).
Poseidon had to teach him to be ruthless.
Zeus needs to teach him to stop being so prideful.
Like, yes - Eurylochus did stage the mutiny and killed the cow. But! That was because Odysseus decided not to tell any of his men that they would need to accept 6 deaths to get home and allow them to make the choice themselves - because Odysseus couldn't handle the idea that they might refuse going past Scylla and keep him from going home.
This is even present in the song Scylla. Eurylochus is moved to confess that it was him who opened the bag of winds, but Odysseus keeps his own secrets and guilt to himself. I think none of the men even knew they were going past Scylla at all until it happened, since all Eurylochus says is "something approaches," implying he doesn't know what that something even IS.
Scylla even compares Odysseus to themselves, with his full transformation from man to monster now completed.
You hide a reason for shame You know that we are the same Leaving them feeling betrayed Breaking the bonds that you've made There is no price we won't pay We both know what it takes to survive
But if you notice, once they kill the cow, they start following Odysseus again. Hell, Eurylochus calls him captain! They follow his orders to escape! This shows that their real desire wasn't to overthrow Odysseus, but rather their anger and betrayal at not even having the option to choose to fight over sacrifice.
And honestly, this happened because Odysseus has demonstrated time and again that he will not discuss anything with his men and instead makes decisions without their input (too much pride to ever consider anyone's opinion other than his own).
In Storm, he tries to force the fleets to keep going despite Eurylochus saying that continuing would sink them all. In the same song, Odysseus also decides to go to the wind god without any discussion beforehand, and completely ignores Eurylochus's advice in Luck Runs Out about the inherent danger of going to the gods for help. In this same song, Odysseus also completely ignores the deaths of his men by Polyphemus, and instead brags about none of them dying in the war. (Once again, the pride Zeus mentions, and that Eurylochus criticizes in both Luck Runs Out and Puppeteer).
This is why Eurylochus opens the bag of winds, because Odysseus has proven he can't be trusted to tell him anything that could be important or put their lives in danger. Despite Eurylochus being his second in command, he's never treated as such. Odysseus has never once discussed something with him, taken his concerns into account, made a decision with him together, or even taken his advice. (Even cutting him off as far back as Full Speed Ahead without even considering his opinion).
Odysseus continues to ignore what Eurylochus tries to talk to him about in Puppeteer, and instead unintentionally gets all his men trapped by Circe. He then goes against Eurylochus again in the same song to confront her despite neither of them knowing if she can be defeated. All of this comes to a head when Odysseus does the same thing again in Scylla, except his decision was to intentionally let their men die for his own desires - and Eurylochus had no idea until it had already happened.
And that's why Eurylochus mutinies. He does it because he cares about his men, seemingly more than Odysseus has demonstrated he ever has.
(I'm not saying that Eurylochus has been right this whole time, and honestly I doubt Eurylochus would say the same - but Odysseus won't even listen to what he has to say, is the problem. He has too much pride).
And then Zeus arrives and proves Eurylochus right.
Zeus gives Odysseus a choice - him or his men. Forcing him to come to terms with the very same decision he made during Scylla and expose him for only caring for himself and not the men under his command.
Zeus is criticizing Odysseus and claiming that he's too full of pride to sacrifice himself to save his men. His men of which he is their captain. Of which he is their king. Zeus points this out to him explicitly, leading me to believe that he wasn't supposed to choose himself here.
I think that by taking back command after they killed the cow, Odysseus had taken responsibility for his men's actions. Except, when confronted with those same actions, he refuses to. Much like how a boss gets in trouble when their subordinates do something wrong, a captain should do the same for his crew.
Except. Odysseus doesn't. He fails the test.
And now he must have his pride taken from him again and again until he learns the lesson Zeus was teaching him. Just like he did with learning ruthlessness from Poseidon.
I think the next saga will involve him being confronted with this decision he makes here, and how it was the wrong one, and then the saga after that (perhaps with the suitors? I'm unsure how many more are planned) is when Odysseus will reprise Thunder Bringer and finally be able to return home.
#epic the musical#epic the thunder saga#idk man#mine#i just think both Poseidon and Zeus are testing Odysseus and he keeps failing and never understanding the lessons the gods are teaching him#until its too late#long post#also. yes. i know this is an adaptation and there isnt room for a LOT of variation from the Odyssey#that doesnt mean i can't analyze the songs and hypothesize that if Odysseus had chosen different the results would have changed#how did i accidentally circle away from my point to become a Eurylochus defender? lmao#this is who i am now i guess#also be nice to me if this is a dumb analysis but it's all I was thinking about at work while listening to this
125 notes
·
View notes
Text
Interview with newlyweds



Part 3
0 | 1 | 2 |
#백설공주에게 죽음을#black out#YH@GJ's body: It is at my fingertips it's practically begging me to wrap my arms around it.#mission accomplished#friends announcing an event YHs turn “him lost has no idea what's going on”#YH I need to calm my nerves for that I have to wrap my arm around him#GJ@YH#touching wasn't enough so I started caressing your arm#that one couple#who can't keep their hands to themselves#And their friends who always suffer#NSC/GJ hands always in dangerous territories#time to send you away you've been in my drafts for too long#along with your other siblings 😮💨
23 notes
·
View notes
Text
Torn because I want to commiserate a bit about the end of Dragon Age as a series, but I don't want to hit any "if you criticized Veilguard or didn't buy it, this is *your* fault" -style posts. Maybe there aren't any, but I'm not feeling inclined to go find out.
#especially since I suspect this was coming regardless of sales or criticism#based on the long development time/2023 layoffs/no DLC planned#i remember reading about a smaller round of layoffs too back in early december -- a bioware artist who lost her job on dragon age day#but i can't find the post i'd read about it so i can't verify anything#if memory serves the artist in question posted about it on bluesky but then deleted her posts#and since i don't remember her name i can't look any of this up#well...regardless. i keep thinking about how sheryl chee's comments about the fans now owning dragon age were nice#but don't do anything for me#i greatly enjoy fan art and meta and analysis#but what draws me to rpgs is the part where i roleplay in a video game#unless there have been significant changes to the site that i missed i can't do that on ao3 y'know?#for about six of the ten years between inquisition and veilguard the most i'd thought about DA was while playing BG3 early access#and it felt somewhat like playing dao again#but in the end while i both love and am critical of bg3 in a way that's similar to how i feel about dragon age my investment isn't the same#and it can't be because it's not a world created and owned by the studio that made the game#larian isn't going to make any baldur's gate sequels even if they could and the dos games aren't#and i was just reading owlcat's ama answers where they also said they don't plan on doing sequels to their games#because that would mean canonizing certain endings and taking away player choice#idk! i'm just feeling bummed in the moment#i love games other than rpgs but it isn't the same kind of experience
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
Every day I wake up, I'm full of inspiration and ambition, I lollygag a bit, I kinda skirt around it, I actively avoid The Thing I WANT to do. Then I just kinda give up and do something else.
#idk what's up w this but like. the more intensely i WANT the more i can't bring myself to do it.#like feh example like you'd think bc it's ALL i'm on about. i'd be deeply IN the source material#and i have felt i've been away doing my own thing for too long i need to revisit it. i Need to#but for some reason it's unbearable. not bad. i just can't bear it. i do NOT know what's up w that#i wanna keep listening to a playlist too (hoping it's still up) but like. i broke away. and i am struggling to return.#AND LIKE. BEYOND FEH. i feel this about video games in general like i have to do something that requires no commitment.#labyrinth of galleria was great for this. for some INEXPLICABLE reason. it is just a COMPLETELY different experience#like. the feelings i feel when playing galleria vs like etrian odyssey where i'm VERY attached to my guys#the most upsetting side effect is i feel like i'm losing alfonse's voice like i feel like i used to be able#to mimic his speech patterns PERFECTLY. but everything just feels off or not cleaned up enough#and again i can't fucking bear it. like i am almost going to fucking cry about it. like what is wrong here.#like WHY can't i get myself to DO. THE THINGS. I LIKE. THAT BRING ME JOY. THE COMMITMENT.#i think i'm also worried like i don't wanna get to the point where like. my blorbos are unrecognizable.#spent too much time in my head and now they're all warped and weird. but like. like. for some reason.#esp if i feel this INTENSE fucking affinity it's like. i get in this weird headspace where can't look directly at it.#i should do ANYTHING else. what is my fucking PROBLEM.#does anybody have a cure. or do i just give up forever.
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
seriously can catastrophes stop happening for five minutes my brain is already fried from the ones we're already experiencing
#I fucking. missed d&d tonight by accident#I straight up forgot#and just didn't show up to the session#my sleep schedule is absolutely fucked#I should be sleeping now but brain won't shut up#my creative output is the lowest it's ever been and I've been in some level of depressive funk since like early january#I am just deeply unfathomably exhausted#like mentally and spiritually#all the time#my memory and sense of time are both shit#my spelling is worse than it used to be for some reason??#I really don't know what to do to make my brain start functioning again it's frankly worrying me#I couldn't even handle college so it should come as no surprise that I'm reacting poorly to the world being a perpetual screaming trash fir#and yet#idk it's been hitting again lately that I have never succeeded at anything in my life and just keep tripping and falling up for some reason#fucking everyone is in hell right now and with my overall success rate I should be dead in a ditch but I'm actually doing spectacularly#due to a series of improbable accidents and weird circumstances that happened to turn out in my favor instead of completely fucking me#aside from the looming spectre of my various failed attempts to have some kind of life trajectory#it just doesn't feel like this can keep up forever#like surely at some point the luck has got to run out I can't just keep living like some kind of folkloric trickster archetype#but my motivation and sense of purpose kind of died after the last failed attempt so I'm still just here#doing whatever this is#maybe I should drive out to the coast#maybe staring at the ocean would fix me I've been away from it for too long#I mean it can't make me worse#I should wait until further into summer though so I don't have to drive back in the dark#everyone around here has trucks with those goddamn LED headlights and I've got a little sedan that's directly in their blast zone
23 notes
·
View notes
Text
Still haven't messaged my mom back. And I don't think I'm going to.
#you know how they say time makes you look on the past with nostalgia and that's why elderly people think so fondly of past decades? not me#there are moments I look back on with nostalgia sure but the overwhelming feeling of looking back on my childhood is just whatever I do#wherever I go whatever happens that will not be my life again. my memory is long I made a promise to myself I intend to keep I don't forget#support you having your grandkids if their mother is deemed unfit yes. take the older two myself if it comes to it yes. move provinces to#live with you to look after the five of them together where you would be my only adult connection and there's a language barrier and I have#no work history and I'd be between five hours and nine hours away from any other connection I have answer's an absolute fucking no. I've#seen how you are with my sister how you were with my brother. who do you think they call when they've had enough of you? do you not#remember most of the beatings I took was because I was standing between you and my brother? of course not because according to you you#never did beat me but if you think I'm not aware that would turn on me again the second I'm no longer distant and just visiting if you#think you'd find nothing to complain about because you've built up this golden child ideal of me in your head and want to forget how it was#when I was actually in your care you are very very wrong. I remember. I know that inconveniences a lot of people who want to forget#unpleasant things about themselves. me too to be honest I have memories I wish I could erase but I can't especially with regard to my#sister. I defended my brother but not her. not enough. and it's probably why I give so much to her now more than I should because it's#enabling but it is what it is I guess. I won't use my memories against anyone just for the sake of it but I absolutely fucking will#to protect myself or others. you want a redemption arc without admitting to anything? keep being patient and kind towards#your grandchildren even if you end up having to take them and if you can't do it for all five of them then accept that it's better for the#older two to be with me. that's it. those are your options: the older two are with me so you only have to look after the younger three or#you need to buckle down and learn from your past mistakes to look after the five of them and all that is *if it even comes to that* which#as things are it's not in danger of that! it was a regular fucking visit to monitor the situation that's all; they're not getting taken#literally every time she freaks out about something it's a 50/50 chance it's actually something or she's invented a completely#twisted version of events
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
Me, when Sebastian joins my party for the first time: Okay, this time I'm not going to forget about you, Sebastian. I'm going to make an effort to use you a lot this playthrough so I can better understand you.
Also me, immediately forgetting about Sebastian while finishing Act 2 and making it halfway through Act 3 before I finally notice his Faith quest: ......................Oh. Right. My bad.
#da2#dragon age 2#sebastian vael#listen in my defense..........i don't like bringing sebastian anywhere sksksks#okay look i seriously tried but every time i bring him somewhere i always think man i wish i had brought someone else#and also i do just forget about him! i finally added him to my party at one point and he had 24 points to spend...#that's how long i neglected him after i promised myself i was gonna use him more and then i didn't#it's not that i don't like sebastian as a character though i do tend to side eye him A LOT... it's just that i like everyone else more#even aveline like i'd take aveline over sebastian any day and that's saying something... or is it? i have a lot of feelings about aveline#whereas my feelings about sebastian could maybe fill a thimble...it doesn't help that in my canon run as a mage hawke#i romance anders and well... sebastian wants me to kill anders and my hawke is like 'do i approve of blowing up the chantry? complicated.'#'am i breaking up with anders for this? absolutely. do i still love him? mmhmmm. am i going to kill him sebby? i'd sooner set varric aflame#then sebastian threatens to bring an army to kirkwall and leaves so i can't say i have the greatest opinion on him#even the time where i did kill anders and he stayed in my party he was just... there#and then he glitched out and started t posing while asking if ed ever found out what anders wanted to do in the chantry so..... yeah#but even this playthrough where i'm playing as a lady warrior with a different personality and everything... i'd just rather use anyone els#also keep him away from bethany i do not approve sksksks she's too good for him#i want to understand and see the different angles of him like with the other companions but i've yet to convince myself to do it#also sebastian romancers out there can you like... explain? genuinely can you explain the appeal? i'm curious#because of all the love interests in da2 i look at sebastian and you'd think i'd maybe be more interested? but it's like...#i know about the chaste marriage and everything like that's fine i don't need sex to be a thing in the relationship but it feels less like#an asexual romance and more like... y'know... being with a priest and i guess that's just not one of my kinks? sksksks#i guess there's also the prince angle but i romanced alistair in dao and kept him a grey warden i don't really care about royalty power#and i don't have issues with him being a part of the chantry [well i do but yknow what i mean] since i romanced cullen in dai#and his whole deal with the chantry and magic and shit makes his romance interesting to me but sebastian is just.... a bit too much i think#i don't know i'd like to understand because i really don't but i also keep forgetting about him
19 notes
·
View notes
Text
ive only been here for like a week come 10 pm and that does not bode well for the rest of the indefinite time i'm stuck here
#thank you everyone for having patience with me im back with my parents bc of the new house and getting yelled at every 4 minutes for things#that i do not control amongst other things#and i am very close to fellating that sexy sexy double barreled attitude adjuster my dad is keeping in the closet right outside my room in#his infinite wisdom#it has been. seven days. i an extremely well :] im not at all bothered that we dont have furniture and none of the appliances work#its not like i know im gonna get yelled at for being incompetent snd doing nothing with my life even if the whole reason i cant get anythin#done is bc i keep getting yoyoed back and forth woth no regard for what i'd like#or what im doing#i also REALLY really enjoy having to be back in the closet and still getting sctively transphobiad by my parents for things thst i had goin#on even before the genderisms.#and the worst part is i know i can't get away for too long ehilenim here bc thsts its own mess
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
GOD I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS AND THINGS TO SAY BUT I REALLY REALLY CAN'T WORD IT IT'S ALL JUMBLED AND A MESS AND
#–bill#IT'S. COMPLICATED? I DON'T FUCK WITH PEOPLE UNLESS IT'S TO *FUCK WITH* THEM Y'KNOW?#I DON'T GENERALLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT LIKE. HUMANS. BUT UM#. BLINKS. EYE TWITCH. SCREAMS.#Fucking Flo is laughing at me.#IN UNRELATED NEWS THE YEARNING IS DOING SOME GOOD FOR ONCE. IT'S KEEPING *HIM* AWAY FROM FRONT.#THOUGH MISCHIEF ALREADY HAS THAT COVERED TOO IT'S. HELPING.#ANYWAYS THIS IS STUPID THE ONLY PERSON I'VE EVER REALLY WANTED TO DO SAPPY SHIT WITH WAS FLO. KEYWORD *WAS*#I WANNA TAKE A NAP WITH YOU I WANNA BRAID YOUR HAIR IF IT'S LONG ENOUGH FOR THAT I WANT I WANT I *WANT*!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!#brb im gonna drown myself in the headspace pool [JOKE. I DONT HAVE LUNGS.]#AND I STILL HAVE MORE THOUGHTS AND THINGS TO SAY ON THE MATTER#THE ONLY PROBLEM IS THEY'RE ALL IN THE SHAPE OF RED AND BLUE TRIANGLES AND SQUARES.#I CAN'T PUT THAT INTO HUMAN SPEECH MAN. HELL WORLD!
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
Incorporating jinns in fanfics with real life accuracy is super fun. Who'd have thought
#would u believe me if i told you uve actually seen one? irl? probably not. and lived close to many so i know some of their perks#the urge to tell ghost stories which are real is strong#also the funny thing is. there are many supernatural beings with their own regional mythology across the world and almost all of them are#very very extremely similar to what jinns are like#idk where the whole 'vampires can't eat garlic' trope came from but it had to from somewhere#in older times when vehicles didn't exist and distances b/w towns n villages were still long#and ppl had tot ravle on foot or animals for a long time. or go to markets which were far away. they used to place onion and garlic in thei#meet. so they wouldn't be attacked by jinns and would be drove away by the scent#this is something from my region#i asked my mother abt this once. she said the long travels could get dangerous. especially if one was carrying meet home#and the garlic has strong scent. veiling the scent of meet.#and it didn't have to be jinns or anything. it kept away carnivores and predators too#did you know farmers in India hang garlic garlands on the pillars of their charapai to keep away the snakes?#fae are mischievous and tricksters. guess who else is just as mischievous and trickster. that's right. jinn#most of the yokai?#there are different ones but most of them have traits and abilities that are inherent to jinns#point in case. i believe that many of these supernatural beings considered fanarasy do exist. they just have different names for#different people
2 notes
·
View notes
Note
You're more amazing than wheat
You're more amazing than job applications
#asks#unfortunately the coveted job of “professional kittycat” is out of my reach :(#in an alternate timeline i got popular by writing cute cuddly kink stories and got rich off of patreon#alas. the kitty must work#but my mom bought donuts and is letting me have 1 for each job i apply to as motivation#it's working#definitely needed the motivation because i graduated in june and have spent 2 full months just chilling#not exactly eager to work#but my life will be better when i can buy a fursuit and magic cards and art commissions and skirts and donuts and a chastity cage and#okay but that list was actually kinda hard to make because i kinda already have everything i want#i have a computer an internet connection and a fuckload of games and that's like 90% of what i want#i would like to live in my own little house but that's a long ways away#i mainly just want to keep my free time but i can't mooch off of my parents forever#i need to either take the reins on my life or find someone who wants to adopt a nerdy kitty cat#and as fun as it sounds in fantasy the second option is far too risky irl without a fallback plan#risky both in terms of 'what if they're mean?' and 'what if i don't actually like it?'#so taking the reins it is#if i get lucky then i can make a lot of money and retire early and then just chill forever
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
sits here. my mood has been swinging back and forth like a pendulum lately
#i still can't bring myself to make anything art-wise. and it is ripping me to shreds internally#i have no motovation whatsoever and i'm feeling disgusted by my creations. like that's the best you could do huh mixer?#i dunno. trying to keep calm. i'm going to my uncle's tomorrow to puppysit for 3 days#i'm happy that i'll see puppy but being out of my house will be stressful.#plus i've still got work to go to...#and i need to do the laundry and take out the trash and stop buying uber eats and forward my snap benefits email and.#and later today after high school lets out i'm going to talk with an old teacher i had#i need to change my bedding too..#i at least took a shower yesterday#i think my ptsd has been acting up in the background or something#my other uncle tries to tell me to let go of the past. but i don't want to. my past has forever impacted the way i'll be for the rest of-#-my life yk? and my 'past' wasn't even that long ago. it was 2/3 years ago. and my brother's still with that awful man#i can't pull him away from him.#i just wanna sleep. might take a sleep med early just to take a nap#i've been hating everything i make so like. why even try yk.#i drew one thing while i was hospitalized- a tiny sane jack head#i dunno. i dunno. i feel so empty. my depression's been super bad. i don't enjoy things that once made me happy#i feel so aimless. i'm thinking about going to college but i have to see what scholarships would be available because i can't work this job#WHILE in school. it'd wear me to the bone#i don't want to quit my job though. i like my job. i like my boss and my coworkers..#i dunno. idfk what's wrong with me anymore. i just want the pain to stop man.#i dunno what i want to do with myself but i feel like a. fuck it ik it's from firework but i feel like a plastic bag in the wind#i'm so tired. i miss my mom. i miss my sister. i miss my brother.#vent#delete later
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
household enemy to the yyh watchthrough number one is the olympics. it's taken us a week to get two episodes into the gamemaster fight
#out of three. please the third episode's what makes it okay im fighting for my life out here#it is NOT for lack of trying on my part but theres only a brief window of time when the olympics is not happening#and as it turns out the watchthrough is Not my mom's first priority (how dare she etc)#i do feel slightly bitter that we've gotten through two eps of band o brothers in the same time#we are fighting for the same timeslots yet somehow the hour long show's gotten a leg up??#you don't have time for a 23 min ep but DO for a 60 min one?? explain the math to me please#idk how to explain the vague feeling of betrayal bc it Does Not make sense Nor matter in the slightest#but cmonnnn we were doing so well. and my little bro's starting up school again soon and my dad's gotta go back to work#sometimes eventually (<- hes on medical leave) and my grandparents are coming over next week We're Losing Time Soon#ughhh if i'd known the olympics were happening (<- somehow completely oblivious to this) i'd have accounted for#my mom getting whisked away by the land of synchronized divers and shot putters and whatever the hell#happens in the summer olympics (<- only pays attention to winter olys)#bc that always happens. and *i* have to go back to school in Some Amount Of Time Im Too Scared To Check (p sure it's late aug though) and#when that happens i'll (hopefully) be stuck across town which means we won't be able to do it any time besides the weekends#and i don't wannaaaaa#i know this is the least important problem anyone's ever had like i get that i know but#it's important to me that they sit down and watch this with me. and watching it pull apart and being#the one who's easily the most invested it makes me look all desperate when i ask them for their time and they can't give it#we can only pull this off neatly in the summer and we were so close and now we're losing it right at the finish line#i don't want life to get in the way of this little bubble i've fought so hard to make y'know#and it's childish and embarrassing and whatever but i just want them to have fun with me with this thing i care about a lot#but i can't do that bc my mom needs to watch the judo matches at Every weight class#even though she's recording a lot of them? i don't understand but whatever i know it's her thing im just moping about it ig#i want it to be as perfect an experience for them as possible and it's slipping away from me#and i don't wanna leave this project unfinished when i start school y'know. sighh#i think they might feel like i only want them around when we're watching stuff. whcih is weird bc that's like#The Singular Way we family bonded literally my whole life so idk why they wouldn't get that when reversed#but either way that IS how i wanna spend time with them. i want them to understand this thing that's become a part of me#and i wanna talk With them about it. and so far it's been fun in a way it's never been before. my mom at least seems to really like it#and i want it to Keep going well bc if we lose momentum im worried they'll start finding it tedious. sighh
6 notes
·
View notes