#can’t tell if this is genuine attraction or i keep liking older men bc i know it’s unattainable

[kethabali]

why do i keep having crushes on men that are in their mid 30s

[kpostedsum]

daddy issues; D.M

summary: you and draco bond over issues in 6th year

word count: 2.4k

warnings: err angst, comfort, illusions to sex

song: daddy issues (the remix) - the neighbourhood

a/n: i tried not to make it stereotypical bc i didn’t wanna make it seem all “i like older men lol”, probably my fav fic i’ve written, also arent these anime gifs so cute

masterlist | taglist

Take you like a drug

I taste you on my tongue

Tongues battling for dominance, bodies rubbing against each other searching for a feeling. It’s become routine now, a different person in your dorm swallowing a new pill, entangling limbs with someone just to feel something.

You ask me what I'm thinking about

I tell you that I'm thinking about

Whatever you're thinking about

Tell me something that I'll forget

And you might have to tell me again

It's crazy what you'll do for a friend

It was a constant cycle, putting yourself out there seeking the male attention you crave, seeking validation, constant reassurance and trusting too easily. That’s how you ended up with a different guy who always in the end leaves. You trusted too easily and people took advantage of how trusting and naive you are just for a quick shag.

You wished it wasn’t like this but that’s all you knew, wanting to be the best version of yourself for someone just to feel needed, no matter if the person was good or bad for you. You didn’t care, you wanted love from anyone you could get it from even if it just hurt you more.

You’re familiar with the absence, something stable made you feel a bit wary. It wasn’t something you were used to. Your father wasn’t the most present in your life, and even though he's there, he's never really there.

Go ahead and cry, little girl

Nobody does it like you do

I know how much it matters to you

I know that you got daddy issues

And if you were my little girl

I'd do whatever I could do

I'd run away and hide with you

I love that she's got daddy issues, and I do too

You always wondered where you went wrong, he preferred your siblings over you and doesn't pay you a piece of his mind. Constantly going out of your way to get his attention whether it was academically or acting a certain way just to get some sort of reaction. But he was too preoccupied with his other children, even if they were from your mom or his affairs.

That’s how you found yourself right now sitting in the astronomy tower past curfew watching the rain fall, trying to clear your head while humming softly to yourself to keep yourself distracted.

You hear distant chattering from below and quickly get up from where you were sitting and make your way to your dorm unnoticed by anyone.

Except one person, Draco Malfoy.

I tried to write your name in the rain

But the rain never came

So I made with the sun

The shade

Always comes at the worst time

He’s seen you before, you’re known around Hogwarts for how you put yourself out there and how ‘desperate’ you are for some affection. He almost feels bad for you, but he’s in no place to judge. With his dad in Azkaban Draco had so much more to worry about, like his task and how he can succeed. But there was something about you that intrigued him that he couldn't ignore.

He saw you again in transfiguration the next day and noticed a few hickeys littering your neck that you had tried to cover but it didn’t work. He wondered why you gave yourself up to so many people, but once again he was in no place to judge. He noticed the way your tongue would stick out when you focused extra hard, the way your hands would tighten around your quill when you got a question wrong and your face.

The same face that many boys including the older years would fawn over, the face that entranced and attracted many, the face of someone who would do anything for someone for some affection and the face of someone who seeked out all the wrong things.

You ask me what I'm thinking about

I tell you that I'm thinking about

Whatever you're thinking about

Tell me something that I'll forget

And you might have to tell me again

It's crazy what you'll do for a friend

You walk out of transfiguration on your way to the owlery to send a letter to your parents and feel eyes watching you everywhere. You like it, the attention, it’s something that you thrived in, but you couldn’t help but feel a new set of eyes on you.

Once you reached the owlery you realized you weren't the only one there, Draco Malfoy was also there sending a letter to who you assumed was his mother.

“y/n, right?” he asked, trying to spark a conversation.

“Yea, listen i’m sorry about what happened with your father i know you really looked up--”

“Dont worry about it, he wasn’t as good an influence as I made him out to be,” he sighed, looking away.

“My dad isn’t the best either if i’m being honest, i guess we’re in the same boat” you let out a light chuckle.

And that’s how you found yourself hanging out with draco malfoy bonding over your shared issues.

Go ahead and cry, little girl

Nobody does it like you do

I know how much it matters to you

I know that you got daddy issues

And if you were my little girl

I'd do whatever I could do

I'd run away and hide with you

I love that she's got daddy issues

It’s been weeks since you two started hanging out since the interaction in the owlery and have been getting closer ever since. You both sat down together in the astronomy tower, backed against the wall as the cool wind blew against your faces. The aura between you two was calm, a comfortable silence.

“So tell me about your dad, how is it with him in Azkaban?” you asked, tilting your head towards him.

“Mother’s not taking it well” he frowned. “I can’t even say potter’s wrong for getting him locked up because he deserves it. All my life he praised the dark lord and taught me to be selfish and always defend my blood, but he was never there for me when I needed him. I would have done everything just to hear ‘i’m proud of you’ but it never came. It’s worse now because mother’s all alone. I wish I could have stayed with her” he sighed looking out the tower watching the stars twinkle.

“I’ve noticed you’ve been much quieter this year as well, you stopped making fun of people. It’s not that nice on the receiving end huh?” you said with a teasing look on your face.

He shook his head at you scooting closer to you, it’s like the demeanor between you two have changed over the past few weeks. You found yourself pining over him rather than being in someone's bed. But this is how the cycle always goes, you get attached and they leave, you couldn’t help but hope this wasn’t the situation this time.

“Tell me about your father”

Daddy stuck around but he wasn't present

Cheated on your mom but she never left him

First I didn't get it, now I understand

He broke her heart, left money in her hand

So everything got paid for

She made sure you and your brother had way more

Than she ever had growing up

And when you told me the whole story I felt like throwing up

“ I don't know if i’d even call him my father at this point, he doesn't want me.” you sighed. “He's been cheating on my mum for years now and she still won't leave him because she thinks they can work it out. He’s had affairs with different pureblood women and has children with them. But what hurts the most is how he treats them as his own children and treats me as if I don't exist” you said, looking down as tears pooled your eyes.

Draco moved closer to you and brought his arm around your shoulders for a sense of comfort and waited for you to catch your breath so you can continue.

“I just want him to love me” you cried. “I go out my way to try and get his attention with my school work but it never works. That's why I get along with so many guys. I seek the validation, the comfort and the reassurance that I can get from him from others and I am so tired of it. I just want him to want me draco.” tears slipping out your eyes as you looked up at him, you’ve never confessed this to anyone before.

“Everyone always leaves, please don't leave me” you cried

“I’m not going anywhere” he turned his face towards you, leaning forward cautiously as if you were made of glass.

You leaned forward, wanting the exact same thing. Both very hesitant he gently pressed his soft lips against yours and they moved together in sequence, only taking a break to go back to his dorm and to breathe, limbs tangled together for the rest of the night until the sun rose.

I can see it on your face it was rough left a bad taste on your tongue

And she didn't even take any drug

She would rain all day

Couldn't wait for her son to shine

And you made it shine

There when she cried, you saved her life

It's been a week since that night in the astronomy tower and draco had already been avoiding you. It’s humiliating, but you should have known. You thought the ‘bond’ you had with him would last, it felt so genuine this time. So real.

You’d see him around the halls snogging pansy on your way back to the ravenclaw tower, lowering your head down so he wouldn’t be able to see you so you could get by quickly and unnoticed.

But he saw you.

He stared you right down in your teary eyes as he made out with pansy. You couldn’t help but feel a sense of betrayal, for someone who promised he wouldn’t leave you like everyone else, he did the exact same.

You did the only thing you knew of, you ran.

I keep on trying to let you go

I'm dying to let you know

How I'm getting on

I didn't cry when you left at first

But now that you're dead it hurts

This time I gotta know

Where did my daddy go?

I'm not entirely here

Half of me has disappeared

Draco followed you to the girls lavatory, hearing your shallow cries coming from one of the stalls. He approached the stall you were in trying not to make too much noise so he doesn't startle you.

He felt awful.

He promised he would never leave you, after you both poured your hearts out to each other but he still left. He had too, he was putting you in danger just by being with him. If Voldemort ever found out about you and hurt you he wouldn't be able to live with himself, that's why he took it upon himself to hurt you first.

“y/n are you in here?” he called out even though he knew the answer.

You recognized that familiar voice anywhere. “What do you want draco?” you said, trying to make it seem as if you weren’t just crying.

“I want to talk to you, please”

“No,” you said getting up and pushing yourself out of the stall. “You don't get to just throw me away after I told you everything and just come back into my life like nothing ever happened. Just go away, that's all you guys are good for” you spat.

“Just listen to me, it was to keep you safe. I didn;t want to but i couldn't bear seeing you hurt” he tried to explain.

“Safe?” you laughed. “ and what exactly do i need saving from, malfoy.”

“From me” he said as he pulled up his sleeve revealing his dark mark to you. Your body instantly tensed, you knew he was having problems and his family was involved with the dark lord but you never knew it was like this.

“Draco i-” you tried to say something but the words were stuck in your throat. He stood there looking at you desperately like he was waiting for you to tell him everything was okay, you wanted to be there for him but you didn’t know what to do. You trusted him with everything but he couldn't trust you with this? You thought the bond you had made would have made him trust you in the slightest, but clearly it's always you who’s more trusting.

“Why didn't you tell me?” you managed to say, your voice hoarse.

“I thought you’d leave me, you were the only good thing i had. Please don't leave me” he begged, salty tears escaping his eyes and running down his cheeks as he looked at you with desperation.

“So you thought pushing me away by snogging pansy was better?” you yelled, as he continued to look at you slightly taken aback by your lashing out.

“You know what, go ahead and cry little boy. You know that your daddy did too, you know what your mama went through. You gotta let it out soon, just let it out” you taunted walking closer to him looking straight into his teary eyes.

“This time I'll be the one that leaves.” and with that you were gone.

Go ahead and cry, little girl

Nobody does it like you do

I know how much it matters to you

I know that you got daddy issues

And if you were my little girl

I'd do whatever I could do

I'd run away and hide with you

I love that she's got daddy issues, and I do too

It’s been months since that night in the girls lavatory, and you missed him. You wanted to visit him in the hospital wing once you heard what happened with Harry Potter, but you couldn’t bring yourself to do so. He left you, and you were tired of always going back to people who just hurt you.

Now here you were at the battle of Hogwarts, standing with everyone while Voldemort and his death eaters stood across from you all.

“Draco, draco come here” you heard narcissa call from across the scene. He looked hesitant, as if he was waiting for someone to stop him but no one did. So he started walking over to his parents.

But you grabbed his hand.

“Stay please” you whispered looking up into his eyes.

He looked back at his parents and back at you like he was contemplating his answer.

“I’ll stay”

If you were my little girl

I'd do whatever I could do

I'd run away and hide with you

I love that she's got daddy issues, and I do too

—————-

tagging fun ppl nd ppl who interacted (so srry if u don’t wanna be tagged)

@hellohellook @astoria-malfcy @justfangirlthingies @sfdlm @falling-loki @notvasi @gwlvr @malfoytookmyheart

[swanqueensalad]

TRIGGERWARNING!

Without triggering anyone I wanna ask two things:

1) Was Cora ever physically abbussive towards Regina?

2) I know many ppl's head canon is that Leopold raped Regina again and again as his bride, but is that your headcanon too?

ok again TRIGGER WARNING for abuse & SA (and brief mention of suicide) for anyone reading/scrolling!

i'm going to just explain my personal interpretation of the show and these subjects, bc i find regina so interesting and heartbreaking. and i actually do think part of what makes regina so fascinating as a character is her relationship within the cycle of abuse and how yes, she was incredibly hurt and manipulated all her life, but she eventually managed to break free of it all and work to be better for her own child.

buckle up because i have a lot of feelings and this is probably going to be LONG

so, my thoughts on exactly what happened and why regina is as fucked up as she is:

so yeah, cora was a horrific parent. it's canon that she abused regina both emotionally and physically for practically all her life.

in practically her very first scene, we see cora using magic to hurt her eighteen year old daughter - to violently restrain her/drop her to the ground when she 'misbehaves' which pretty clearly says this is a woman who uses power and fear as a control tactic, and is not afraid of physically hurting regina.

and if this is what she was doing when regina is almost an adult, i think it's safe to assume she's been doing it since she was very young - regina's response 'please don't, i'll be good' is the conditioned response of a much younger child. everything about the way regina was written, her relationship with cora, and the way lana and the directors chose to play it screams abuse victim. she is hypervigilant - she jumps when people come close or make sudden noises. when she's choked with magic she immediately knows not to struggle or fight back. as a young girl, she is terrified of doing things wrong.

(also, when we get the flashback to actual 10 year old regina, cora says she can't help her because 'it needs to be someone who's magic has never hurt her')

while i think most of the time cora relied on magic to physically punish regina - knowing how much regina particularly hated it/was afraid of it - i think she was definitely not above slapping her for more minor infractions

beyond just physical abuse, cora was clearly emotionally distant and got regina to a place of being pretty touch-starved and desperate for affection. (lana and barbara play this so masterfully as well) we see her being constantly, nastily critical of everything her daughter does.

i think it's also implied in the regina rising book that cora was controlling/restrictive of regina's food to ensure she stayed thin/attractive which is just a whole other can of worms

as for leopold. please bear with me while i RANT:

nothing will ever make me more mad than the fact this man was never held accountable in the narrative for his role in regina's story and how absolutely fucking awful he was.

first of all, even before he meets regina, he is dodgy af. he supposedly genuinely loves cora, but throws her out immediately when he discovers her pregnancy without even asking her if it's true/discussing it. also, even in that flashback the man is visibly much older than cora and even more so than eva, who he actually does marry (although i do believe they came to truly love each other). so yeah he has a habit of Not Listening to women and not looking at women his own age

and then we get to regina. the eighteen year old daughter of his ex fiancee (younger even than the unborn child who cora carried when she was engaged to him)

yes i think he raped her. because powerful old men do not marry pretty eighteen year olds for the company. (also, if it was just so snow would have a mother figure, well, she already had her maid joanna. and if snow really wanted regina around that badly, leopold could have just brought her to court as a lady in waiting, a fitting role for a noblewoman, and more appropriate seeing as regina was only about eight years older than snow)

regina is visibly distressed by the proposal. she is panicked. she looks to her father to help. cora accepts the proposal for her. and leopold does not care. i think this tells u all u need to know about his views on consent

(also it all gets ickier when you remember leopold was attracted to cora, and regina is considered to look like cora did when she was younger)

leopold clearly had zero interest in regina as a person. he used her for arm candy for events, to make snow happy, and to keep his bed warm. (later, he invades her privacy so much regina counts on him reading her diary as a thoughtless and integral part of a plan, and locks her up for receiving a present from another man) and yet he is never treated as a villain or ever held accountable (besides regina killing him - good for her - but even then it's framed more as a way to villainise her for tricking sidney) and it makes me FURIOUS

i sometimes see the take that leopold might have stopped raping her towards the latter years of their marriage, but i disagree - i think maybe it did get fewer and farther between, but regina was still his wife who he only saw as serving a few purposes, and the way he is so possessive of her in 1x011 makes no sense otherwise, seeing as he was so uninterested in her in every other way

i do think a lot of regina's rage and vendetta against snow is because of this abuse too.

hear me out: in s1 especially, both snow and regina refer to snow as 'ruining her life'. because regina blamed her for everything that happened to her. not only did snow cause daniel's murder, it was her desire for regina as a mother that prompted leopold to marry her.

and this marriage was hell. and i think people don't realise how long it lasted either - snow went from a child to at least her late teens before regina killed leopold. regina was a traumatised young girl, grieving the love of her life, with no friends, no allies, nobody except the literal dark one who was grooming her for his own gain. (no wonder she clung to the brief sense of freedom and control his lessons offered. no wonder she nearly killed herself.)

and while regina suffered, she was forced to play with snow white every day, who was so spoiled, so loved, so happy, and had no idea of the life she had unwittingly trapped regina in.

so yeah, it's all pretty dark.

and it's for all these reasons i think ouat ended up shying away from many more regina backstory episodes centring on the time she was married/pre-evil queen years, because they were on abc after all, and i don't think they were really equipped to deal with the horrendousness of the story they'd created

but lana most certainly did her work becaue i think all of this nuance does show in her portrayal

and it all just makes regina's ending - the good queen, in her own name, safe and strong and loved, part of a true family, her bond with snow healed - so much more of a relief.

[the-hopeless-haze]

Oh, My Precious Whore

A/N: didn’t really think I’d ever be posting fic on here again… but I am tired and need a distraction so… have this as a treat

Pairing: Claire Underwood x f!reader, implied Duncan Shepherd x f!reader

CW: derogatory pet names, implied smut (will not occur in full until the next part)

Description: idk this is just pure filth bc there’s a severe lack of f!reader fic and… Robin Wright is hot af. Also had to throw in some Duncan in there bc I love Cody Fern

Maybe you should feel worse right now about what you’re doing, but you don’t.

You, at the very least, should feel scared. The Underwoods, or well, Underwood... she was a powerful woman and if you stepped a millimeter out of place your life was likely in danger. Or so they said. Your in-laws were wary of her, you know, but she was wary of them, too. You think. She’s a difficult woman to read.

The rumors concerning the crimes her late husband supposedly committed are lengthy and convoluted, but you suspect they hold some truth to them. Most rumors usually aren’t based totally in fiction. Her husband was truly a ruthless motherfucker. Claire... Claire doesn’t seem to be ruthless. Nor does she seem to be what you would describe as a motherfucker.

No, she’s a cold hearted bitch. A bitter, sociopathic cunt.

But you never wanted what was good for you.

Sometimes, you swear you love Duncan and you wish it was easier to convince yourself. He a good husband, all things considered. Perhaps a little too focused on work, but... he treats you well to make up for it. He is loyal to a fault, if anyone ever was. You met him through a friend, and though it makes you feel guilty you used him in a vain attempt to get closer to Annette.

But Annette didn’t swing your way, as she told you in not so many words. Or, rather, she said, “Just be a good pet and marry my son. You on his arm will do well for everyone all around. Your dalliances on the side are no one’s business as long as you keep them secret enough that not even Duncan finds out.”

So you agreed, and accepted his proposal you figured she no doubt hounded him into. It’s not so much that you don’t like men, you do, and Duncan is such an attractive man, and he’s a thorough lover... it’s just you suppose you have a preference for women. Older women. You used to joke in high school that you wanted to be a high-end escort for rich older women getting away from their CEO husbands for the weekend.

But your parents would have never approved of that plan. So you went to law school instead. Which was fine. You make decent money without Duncan, but with him you’re somewhat of a young, hot power couple. You’re not really interested in policy the way his family is - you just like ingratiating yourself amongst these people with influence. You get off on brushing shoulders with the powerful. Parties don’t mean much to you. Everyone is truly an evil son of a bitch, no matter what they say when the cameras are on. No one cares about progress, not unless it’s self-serving.

The first time you met Claire, you thought you might die. She barely gave Duncan a second glance but you? She stood and chatted with you about your latest case your firm had taken - how she knew about it among all the other things on her mind, you don’t know - but it was a pleasant conversation, all things considered. You know her and Annette used to be close. You wonder how much Claire does know about you.

You know you can’t trust her. At all.

But after that incident, Duncan grinned and shook his head. “Wouldn’t want to give credence to those rumors. She might have it out for you.”

“Rumors?” You asked, panicking already. Did he know?

“That Claire is a lesbian. It’s been floating around some circles, that that’s why she wasn’t truly upset at her husband’s death, that that’s why she’s pushing so hard for female rights. It’s interesting. It is the first time I met her, but having done so it wouldn’t entirely surprise me.”

You can tell. That woman probably isn’t a lesbian, or if she is, she’s very good at utilizing her charm to make it seem as though she’s not. If anything, you’d peg her as asexual. She uses sex as a weapon. Fair enough. You’ve seen even weaker women feel the need to use it.

You wonder if she’s ever had sex purely for herself and not for manipulation purposes.

You wonder if she could even do that. You reckon you don’t really care if you found out the hard way.

It’s a few weeks later that you receive a message stating the President required your audience. And you know you should tell Annette, or Duncan at the very least, but you don’t. You know you shouldn’t show up at all. But Annette said to keep your dalliances secret. So secret they will stay.

“How loyal are you to the Shepherds?” Claire asks when you arrive. Straight to the point. Good.

“As loyal as I have to appear,” you tell her.

Claire smiles a little. “Why did you marry Duncan? He doesn’t seem quite your type.”

“And what do you presume my type is?”

“Perhaps more feminine. Older.”

“Mm. And what is your type, Ms President?”

“Why did you marry him? Did Annette threaten to out you?” she repeats.

“Not in so many words,” you say.

“Hmm. Interesting. He has no idea, I presume?”

“Why did you call me here?” you ask, your anxiety getting the better of you.

“I need information on the Shepherds. And I believe I have something you’d want in return.”

Your head starts spinning, but no, spinning is an understatement. It’s fucking doing somersaults. You cannot believe what she’s proposing.

“You want to prostitute yourself to me for information?”

And Claire does the last thing you ever expected the bitch to do. She walks across the room and slaps you across the face. Hard enough to sting, but not as hard as you bet she could. You feel the cold metal of her wedding ring press against your cheek as she grabs your chin, her cold blue eyes piercing through to your soul. “Don’t you dare fucking accuse the president of the United States of debasement, and don’t ever assume you have the upper hand.”

“Claire—“

“Are we on first name basis, slut?” she asks, her hand slithering down to your throat. Holy shit, you think. This bitch might actually fucking kill me. You think you’d care more if this wasn’t possibly the hottest thing that ever happened to you. “I didn’t think so. Now. What are your loyalties? Who are you closest to?”

“Duncan, obviously. Annette lets her guard down around me because she likes that I think she’s hot, but she still doesn’t like me. Bill and I don’t get along.”

“Interesting. How much does Duncan know?”

“I know more than Duncan.”

“Really, now? Are you just saying that? Because if you don’t prove to be useful...”

“What? You’ll kill me?”

Claire laughs. “No, you’re much more fun to me alive. But tell me… do you know where Duncan came from?”

“I mean, I truly don’t know how Annette’s cunt could birth anything, given how much of a bitch she is, but…”

Claire smiles. “Yes. Much more fun alive. Duncan is not her child.”

“Well, that’s a relief I don’t have any chance of keeping the Shepherd bloodline alive,” you snicker. “Where did he come from, then?”

“I’ll tell you… in time. But you have to tell him, too. In front of Annette and Bill. I want them all to know.”

“They’ll skin me alive if they knew I was here.”

“Do you want to fuck me or not? These are my terms.”

“So that is why I’m here?”

She only smirks at you, the wrinkles around her blue eyes crinkling as she does. “Your attraction to me is far more interesting than... well, men are pigs, right? I’m sure you are well aware. But you, you look at me like you want to fuck me, sure, but you also know your place. You respect me, even if you try to talk back. Men don’t know any better.”

“Have you ever slept with a woman before?”

She only smiles. “Does it matter?”

“Just wanted to know if there was credence to the rumors.”

“Rumors? You’re quite bold. I’m the one with my hand...wrapped around your throat.”

“It’d be pretty messy for you if you killed me right now,” you retort, wincing and rubbing your legs together as she increases the pressure on your neck.

“You’ll learn not to talk back, whore. To think you’re a married woman...”

“Yeah? Did you hold your marriage sacrosanct?”

There’s that smile again. She’s beautiful, ethereal, but there’s something so inhumane about the way her lips move upward to smirk at you. Maybe you should learn to shut your mouth, but you always were a brat. Besides, it’s more fun this way.

“I did.”

“Liar,” you accuse, smirking at her as you do, and she lets go of your throat and before you can miss the feeling too much she slaps your face again, the right cheek this time, much harder than the first time. You let out a startled, strangled moan on impulse, stumbling back a little against the wall.

“Oh, did that hurt?” she coos at you condescendingly, fixing a piece of your hair that fell out of place as you stand back up, pressing your back flat against the wall for stability. Claire crosses her arms and stands directly in front of you.

“I can take it. I can take more than that,” you say boldly.

“Oh? What else do you like, slut?”

“You name it, I’m game.”

“Anything? Handcuffs? Whips? Knives?”

You nod at everything she comes up with. Jesus, you would let this woman carve out your heart if she wanted it.

“If I make you bleed?”

“Better.”

“Interesting. Does Duncan play these little games with you?”

You laugh. “No.”

“You only want a woman to do these things to you?”

“Precisely. Are you kinky, Madam President?”

“Whatever my partner requires... I make certain I provide.”

“But what do you want?”

“I’m a hard woman to please.”

“Oh. Is that the kind way of saying Frank wasn’t good in bed?” you ask, feigning sympathy. She only smirks again. “I’m surprised you didn’t slap me for that. He must have really been awful.”

“You think you could do better?”

“Women do everything better,” you laugh, earning perhaps the only genuine smile you’ve gotten from this woman the whole time. “That’s why I wanted to know if you’ve been with a woman...”

“No. But I’ve thought about it. Never had a woman as interested as you.”

“I find that very hard to believe. Maybe you just never noticed. What gave it away?” You’re aching for her to touch you again, give you anything, even pain, but she stands still in front of you.

“I can just tell. Besides, I was interested to meet you. You’re the Shepherd’s weak link. I knew Annette didn’t vet you carefully enough.”

“Are you saying me being gay is an issue?”

“Are you so naive to think it wouldn’t be, given the state of this country?” she retorts. “But that’s not all. I can tell you don’t like them. I could tell you were easy... on more than one account.”

You roll your eyes. “I fucking hate Bill. I mean it’s awful to say, he’s not doing well physically, but he’s just made life a living hell for me.”

“Why?” she asks, tilting her head to the side.

“I don’t know. Maybe he hates gay people. Maybe he hates women. Both. Don’t know.”

“So everyone knows but Duncan? Funny how he’s kept out of all the good family secrets that concern him.”

You sigh. “See, sexuality’s a funny thing. I like Duncan. I do. And sometimes sex with him is good if not great. He’s a good partner. But I just prefer women.”

“Must be nice to have it figured out. Your generation did have it easier.”

You look at her questioningly. You never thought someone like her was human enough to struggle with such a thing, but perhaps that’s an unfair assessment.

Or she’s playing you.

Still. She’d have to be quite a good player - not that you should underestimate her skill - to talk about something as personal as her struggles with sexuality. Straight people just don’t get it. Would she really be this easily well versed if it was a game?

“There’s still a long ways to go,” you say.

“I intend to rectify that.”

“Of course you do.”

Her eyes narrow at you and she tilts her head. “Do you think I should be doing better?”

“Yeah. Come out, for starters.”

“Says the woman in a sham marriage.”

“It’s not a sham. I love Duncan,” you protest.

“Then why are you here, selling out his family just for a chance to fuck me? You’re not much better than I am.”

“I don’t think I’ve told you anything yet. Besides. It’s not his real family… as you say.”

“No. You haven’t told me anything I didn’t already know. But I haven’t fucked you yet either, have I?”

“Touché.”

“Come over here,” she beckons, leaning against the desk and once again it strikes you where you are - the fucking Oval Office. Are you seriously going to have sex in the Oval Office? Conservatives would be disgusted by this (although it wouldn’t be the first time this office was defiled). “Don’t look so scared now. You can’t back out at this point.”

You nod, trying not to look as nervous as you feel and walk the few steps over to her, your legs inches from hers. God, you’re practically dying from the anticipation alone.

“Does Duncan ever tell you how beautiful you are?” She asks. You’re absolutely shellshocked. There’s no trace of sarcasm in her voice.

“Sometimes,” you murmur.

“Just like men to not appreciate what they have.”

“Mm. Frank didn’t appreciate you, Claire? Didn’t make you feel good? I would. If you were my wife I’d make you come every fucking day,” you say, and boldly you decide to punctuate that statement by pressing your lips to hers.

Mistake. Or maybe not, you don’t know.

Her hands tangle in your hair and you feel her stand up, press against you firmly before backing you into the desk, pushing you onto it until your back is flat on the wood, and she’s hovering over you, her lips ghosting yours.

“I’m a hard woman to please,” she reiterates and you realize she never fucking lost her breath while you feel like the wind was knocked out of you. “I’m ambivalent about attention in general. But look at you, whore. You crave it, don’t you? Just want someone to tell you that you’re a good girl... oh, look at you squeeze your thighs together. Are you wet for me, slut?”

“Why don’t you see for yourself?” You ask, spreading your legs slightly for her.

She shakes her head, her straight platinum locks shifting as she does so, brushing against your face. “See? You’re not a good girl. You’re a dirty filthy whore and you just don’t know when to shut that whore mouth or close your fucking legs.”

You stay silent - you’re not sure what to do now. Do you antagonize her, push her further, see if it will rile her up again? Or do you try and kiss her again?

Claire has other ideas. “Beg,” she hisses in your ear. “Get down on your knees and beg for me.”

—- and I am evil and ending it there! Plz let me know if I should continue this!

[s-nh]

Idk where I’m gonna go with this but I’m 25 years old and I’m so upset at myself.

I was in a toxic relationship from 17-24 and this person was 4 years older than me. He was caring and thoughtful at times and made me laugh a lot but he was also so cruel and narcissistic, and overall so disrespectful.

I shared my goals and dreams with him and he made me believe they were stupid. As our years together went by I stupidly revolved my time around him. I’d see him 4/5 days a week and spent my entire days with him. Not saying they weren’t enjoyable moments despite the fact that 75% times were spent arguing and not getting along, but as time progressed I started to think to myself,

“I get ready to see him and I come over to his house to lay around in his room all day watching him play video games, smoke and drink and eat.” Things I could easily do at home. I wouldn’t have had a problem If all that time wasn’t spent basically and pretty much doing absolutely nothing.

I was 23, and something in me was starting to die and that was my patience. He was 26. He worked part time at a food establishment, was still smoking and drinking and playing video games. That’s fine. But what else?? Like what else are you doing.

24 I gave up. The verbal and emotional and mental and almost physical abuse was enough. His will of wanting to improve wasn’t there.

I had one more dream left in me that I wanted to accomplish and when he shamed me for it. I reached my peak.

I left.

I felt free and I never knew I had this giant weight on my shoulders until a week went by and started focusing on myself.

I always had this feeling inside me that I gave my genuine love to the wrong person. I wanted to love. I wanted to have someone I could give that love to. But not just anyone. Someone who would reciprocate it back.

I dated someone shortly after and was hit with that “it’s not you, it’s me” excuse. Was I hurt. A little. But I didn’t let it beat me up.

Then this other guy comes into my life and he was so talented, so sweet, so handsome, I was just in such awe by him and All I wanted was to be around him. But he was busy and was “only able” to have me come over passed midnight.

One morning when we both woke up we went out for breakfast and he asked me “so what are your plans after quarantine?”

“What do you mean?”

“Yeah, like what are your moves?”

Then I realized I was over here judging my ex for not progressing while I was doing the exact same thing at the moment. Not really doing anything.

I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to keep taking these classes that had to do with this dream I have but I didn’t want to tell him. I believe in that superstition of “never tell someone what you’re going to do bc if you end up not achieving it, then you were just all talk. Move in silence.”

I can’t remember what I replied with but I remember asking him “what about you?” And he immediately answered with all these tasks and places and work he was aiming on accomplishing and I just felt so mad at myself.

In a way I was glad I was mad bc it kinda gave me a push to just stop being a procrastinating bitch and start moving like I wanted to when I broke up with my ex.

This guy, I just wanted him. I wanted him to myself. I wanted him to keep inspiring me in silence. But unfortunately he didn’t feel the same way about me when I expressed my feelings for him after 5 months of “talking”. I mean I only slept over every weekend and had sex, and received phone calls from him daily but slowly I started to notice a change. That feeling you start getting where you know they’re not as interested anymore as how they used to be? That.

It almost felt like he was forcing himself to call me, seeing me, everything. And this was before I told him how I felt. But I still tried. I’d like to think he was trying too but it almost felt like it was a chore for him. One day he picked me up so we could get boba and as we sat down, he was showing me something on his phone and he handed it to me so I could look at what he was showing me. He received a text and almost immediately took his phone from me to see who the text was from.

It was his brother in law but the way he snatched his phone from a text he got made me recognize that familiar action that my ex would do when he was cheating on me and would take his phone like that from me when he’d receive a text.

I ignored it tho. Later come to find out he was talking to someone else the entire time we were a “thing” and now he’s happy with her.

That’s fine but I wish he would’ve been honest and not hit me with the same shit. “It’s not you, it’s me and I’m just so broken rn and you deserve someone that isn’t. And no there’s no one else.”

But there was.

An old coworker at my previous job was interested in me and he knew what I went through w my ex and these last two guys.

He pursued me and what not and there I go falling for the attention and words that meant nothing once the deed was done.

I’ve become so numb now to men. My walls are so high and another old coworker of mine told me,

“Leave your feelings at home and just have fun. They don’t take you seriously, then don’t put in the effort. Play the game natalie.” I thanked him for what I considered stupid advice but ended up taking it as a few other men started shooting their shot.

I’ve messed around but wouldn’t get caught up on falling for their lame ass efforts. And I say lame bc it was the bare minimum.

They aren’t bothered so why should I be.

After leaving my ex I just started to do what I never did in my late teens and early 20’s and that was going out and having fun.

I made friends along the way and I can’t tell you how much I secretly appreciate the moments of just going out and being around them and getting drunk and being stupid.

But then it’s also a problem bc I should be focusing on getting my shit together and having fun later.

But I crave getting away from my house and just enjoying my time and forgetting about responsibilities and worries and stress from home.

This new guy came into my life and I remember telling him when we first hung out “I’m not interested in anything rn. I don’t want a relationship.”

But he goes out of his way in wanting to spend time with me even though he’s busy himself being a high school teacher, an architect, painter, doing branding for companies, and so much more.

He takes me out, expresses his interest in me, listens, treats me well but I’m stupid enough to not feel a single drop of mutual interest like he does.

I feel nothing.

And then I also feel bad bc I’m wasting his time. I’d love to be his friend but I know he would erase me from his life to get rid of the hurt that I know I’ll cause.

But it’s not fair to him. And not right of me.

Like he knows what I said that day of not wanting anything but it’s like he’s been trying to see if I’ll change my mind.

Myself from a year ago would love and appreciate the fact that I finally found someone who could reciprocate what I’ve been trying to give but my present self now doesn’t feel that same attraction.

Idk I’m everywhere with this whole rant but idk what do.

I can’t with myself 90% of the time.

I need to get it together. Time keeps passing by day by day. Second by second. There’s no going back.

He’s offering me jobs and amazing opportunities but how fucked would I look and be if I accept knowing he’s only doing it bc he likes me and I don’t feel the same.

I’d deny bc of it even though I want to say yes.

I don’t know.

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

Hey, I've identified as bi for a few years now,but lately I feel very unsure and insecure about my sexuality because most of my crushes have been guys, and the one time I was in love,it was a guy too, but I also have major daddy issues and I get attached to men and idolise them very easily and I sometimes wonder if that's the reason why I feel more strongly about men,any advice how to be more confident in your sexuality and how to know if it's actual attraction or if it's just my daddy issues™? (I'm a girl btw)

This isn’t that easy to answer tbh. I’ve seen people say “real attraction is supposed to feel good” especially in regards to the old “am I bi or a lesbian”-question but that kind of disregards all the bisexual women who have internalised biphobia and struggle with accepting the attraction they feel for men (or other genders, too, for that matter). So, yeah... real attraction should feel good but societal pressure, sexual shame, internalised biphobia and other shit can make it really hard for some people to enjoy the very genuine attraction they feel.

All I can say, which is what I say to any person doubting themselves like that, is that your crush history alone doesn’t define your sexual identity. Identifying as bi is about recognising that you have a potential to be attracted to more than one gender. It doesn’t matter how many crushes you’ve had or what experiences you’ve made with which gender(s). At least it doesn’t have to matter. If it feels relevant and important to you then of course you can incorporate those past experiences in your identity-finding process. But you don’t have to. You can also just say “in theory I can see myself being attracted to people of multiple genders” and call it a day bisexuality.

Maybe you have a preference for men. That itself is debatable bc how does one even “measure” a preference like that... and again, it’s something that only you can figure out if you even want to figure it out. You are not obligated to analyse every tiny aspect of your sexuality. Unfortunately m-spec people tend to over-analyse things and we fall into this trap of thinking we have to justify every little nuance in attraction that differs between different genders in order to prove that we really are still bi and worthy of being part of this community (hint: that’s internalised biphobia!). But you can also just not give a fuck. You don’t have to write a thesis about your sexual identity and you don’t owe anyone a detailed explanation for why you have only had crushes on guys or why you still identify as bisexual or why you changed your label (if that’s what you want to do) or why you have a preference one way or another or how your daddy issues influence your preferences.... nobody is entitled to know any of that.

And let’s say you do have a preference for men (which I wouldn’t know but for the sake of the following let’s assume it for a second) who cares if that preference comes from daddy issues or something else? Also, “daddy issues” isn’t a diagnosis and it can literally mean anything from a completely absent father to an abusive father. You say you tend to “idolise” men and I agree that this can become a problem if those men that you like are all assholes and you end up being blind to that bc of an unhealthy attachment. If that is the case then I recommend therapy to get over those ”””daddy issues””” or... childhood trauma... or whatever it is. If you struggle with that then ask for help from a professional to unpack whatever those “daddy issues” actually are.

If I try to bring this all together then I’d say: you don’t have to find some “meta explanation” for why you are so attracted to men in order to justify that attraction. It can just be what it is and it’s not more or less “valid” if it is influenced by daddy issues. Let me tell you, when I was a teenager I was constantly accused by my peers of having “daddy issues” bc I was attracted to older men. Funny enough, at the time I had a great relationship with my dad (the issues started way later). Deep down I knew that daddy issues weren’t the reason for being into old guys but I still spend my entire adolescence wondering why I’m so fucked up that I can’t find boys my own age attractive. Turns out: there doesn’t have to be a big reason or some trauma or “issues” to explain why someone has a certain kink or type or preference. A lot of the time people’s sexuality is just what it is without any deeper Freudian meaning behind it. And likewise... you might just have strong feelings for men because, well, maybe you are very attracted to them - regardless of any issues with your father or not. You are allowed to be attracted to men and still be bi. You are allowed to be VERY attracted to men and still be bi.

Anyway... whether your attraction to men is real™ or not is for you to decide. You have to look at what you feel and what you want and interprete that in a way that feels right and authentic to you. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else but you. And it’s fine if you make a choice to back away from men for a while to sort this out in your head first. It’s also fine to try out other labels if you want to see if any of them feel more accurate than “bisexual”. It’s also fine to keep exploring your attraction to men and keep identifying as bi. It’s all up to you.

Maddie

[prudnces]

( 𝚟𝚒𝚌𝚝𝚘𝚛𝚒𝚊 𝚙𝚎𝚍𝚛𝚎𝚝𝚝𝚒 & 𝚌𝚒𝚜 𝚏𝚎𝚖𝚊𝚕𝚎 ) + you know 𝘗𝘙𝘜𝘋𝘌𝘕𝘊𝘌 𝘝𝘈𝘕 𝘏𝘖𝘓𝘛, the 25 year-old 𝘗𝘙𝘐𝘝𝘈𝘛𝘌 𝘐𝘕𝘝𝘌𝘚𝘛𝘐𝘎𝘈𝘛𝘖𝘙 that has lived in eldstead 𝘚𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘕 𝘠𝘌𝘈𝘙𝘚? i heard she has a tendency to be 𝘙𝘌𝘚𝘖𝘜𝘙𝘊𝘌𝘍𝘜𝘓, 𝘐𝘕𝘛𝘌𝘕𝘛𝘐𝘖𝘕𝘈𝘓, 𝘋𝘐𝘚𝘖𝘉𝘌𝘋𝘐𝘌𝘕𝘛 & 𝘚𝘜𝘙𝘓𝘠. the 𝘛𝘈𝘜𝘙𝘜𝘚 has equipped 𝘒𝘌𝘠 in time for the full moon.

HI i’m hero, 22, i lov horror movies and no longer have a shudder subscription :pensive: normally i do these on google docs but i’m lazy and prue is Incredibly New so i’m still trying to get the hang of things

name: prudence van holt  nicknames: prue, p age: 25 gender: cis woman pronouns: she/her d.o.b.: april 23, 1995 zodiac: taurus sexual orientation: homosexual homoromantic mbti: isfj - the protector character inspo: wynonna earp, veronica mars, prudence halliwell (mayb i took the name don’t look @ me) aesthetics: a steaming mug of black coffee, deep green woollen sweaters, golden rings and necklaces adorning her, a camera hanging around her neck, the mist of the morning, a deer grazing in the forest, the heavy thud of boots against old hardwood, a grandfather clock striking the witching hour

HISTORY

triggers: child abandonment, car accident (drunk driving), death

prudence van holt’s birth is a mystery-- all she knows is she was dropped off at the fire station in a town outside of seattle, the only identification a baby blanket with her name on it. 

she ends up being adopted by a couple, the van holts, who always wanted multiple kids but could not after their first, a boy. 

growing up, she’s always been a little shit. she doesn’t mean to be. she just has an insatiable curiosity, sticking her nose in other’s businesses, finding lost things, she had a strange knack for it. it got her into a lot of trouble, children had no business sticking their nose into adults’ things. 

her brother never really liked her-- he always resented the fact their parents brought her home, took her in, when they already had a perfectly fine child needing attention. petty things, except it’s sparked a life long sibling rivalry that runs deep. 

it’s a pretty uneventful childhood, her parents are good people, they provide for her, and support her, despite her troublesome antics. 

she’s always been a lonely child, she’s never had the easiest time making friends, so she’s spent a lot of her time exploring the woods near her home. 

she’s thirteen when she discovers her mother, whom she always has written off as simply eccentric, is more than that-- she’s a witch. and a good one, too. her book club meetings she’s often privvy to walking through is more than that, it’s her coven. 

so of course, prue wants in-- how can she not? it’s a whole new world, working under her mother’s wing, driving a wedge further between herself and her brother. she tells her to be careful, to watch her back, that there’s bad people who want to do bad things with the power they wield. it instills a deeper ideal of trust no one in prudence-- one that sticks with her to this day.

and she’s dedicated to the craft! she takes time to learn the different meanings and uses of herbs, flowers, etc., makes potions, cast spells-- perhaps sometimes for personal gain, but she’s dedicated herself to using them to help others. 

she sort of becomes a private investigator in high school, not on purpose, but a friend tasks her to find out if her boyfriend is cheating on her, so tails him, catches him in the act-- gives him a little hex for good measure. 

it becomes a thing, people need something found? they go to her. think their partner is fooling around? they go to her. and she delivers, all with a little touch of magic. eventually, she wants to go deeper, take on more serious cases, but alas she’s only a teenager. 

sike! that doesn’t stop her. and as much as she hates cops, she has an in at the department through her father, so soon she’s not so legally trying to solve murders. 

and that’s all fine and dandy, until just a month shy of her eighteenth birthday, and two months before she graduates from high school, her parents get into a car accident coming home from a meeting one night. a drunk driver swerves into their side of the road, hitting them head on. neither survive. 

it’s that that has her change her mind about college, why go to college when she already knows what she wants to do? life is fleeting, and she’s hurting, so she graduates, and moves to eldstead, a town an hour and half away from her own home. it’s not a big change, but enough for her to have a fresh start. 

she knows something is different about the storm when it hits, that it brought about something... destructive. and she’s inclined to get to the bottom of all of it. it’s in her nature-- she has to snoop. 

she runs her own private investigation that used to serve eldstead and the surrounding area, but now it’s simply eldstead. she makes her own hours, and works alone, because she prefers it that way. 

PERSONALITY 

she’s really closed off-- she prefers to be alone, because of the shit she’s seen, and the people in her life, she just expects to be let down. 

when you first meet her, there’s a chance she’s just going to brush you off. she’s not exactly the friendliest person out there? 

will she be an asshole for the sake of being an asshole? no. absolutely not. but she is unflinchingly honest about her observations, and that doesn’t always go over well. 

very much a ‘do the thing first, ask for forgiveness later type of person’-- doesn’t have a lot of regard for rules that aren’t her own. (*dw voice* that sign can’t stop me bc i can’t read!)

if u do manage to be friends with her, she’s got ur mf back she’s unflinchingly loyal and if you break her trust, you’re pretty much dead to her lol 

TIDBITS 

she has a black cat (wow a witch with a black cat...... groundbreaking) named inkblot (creative, rly), nicknamed inky like the pacman ghost

surprisingly high alcohol tolerance, loves 2 go for a beer or a whiskey at the end of a long day 

lives in cableknit sweaters-- this is the pnw i mean a bitch be cold 

doesn’t really date? she came out when she was 16, and there’s been a couple relationships, but they never really pan out-- it’s always because of her. she doesn’t know how to open up 

swears a lot 

has a pretty good understanding of basic hand to hand combat just in case perps get a little rowdy, took boxing classes for abt 4 years? 

probably an elderly person when it comes to social media, kinda likes to keep a low profile but she also posts a shit ton of pictures of her cat 

INCREDIBLY good at finding lost things-- keys, phones, dogs, u name it she just knows-- and she doesnt know if its the intuition that comes from being a witch or just herself 

prob should join a coven, but shes a lone wolf awoo

prob barks at men idk 

lives off of black coffee, doesn’t rly sleep 

has multiple ear piercings and a couple tattoos but she usually keeps them hidden 

WANTED CONNECTIONS

informant - she gets information from them for her cases, they got a p good grasp 

someone she’s solved a case for - p self explanatory, now they’re friendly enough, or perhaps she couldn’t stand them and did it for the money 

someone who wants to be her friend but she’s weary - tbh shes weary of everybody 

coven adjacent - another witch, maybe theyre trying to get her to band together with them 

drinking buddy - they meet at the bar and shoot the shit 

opposites attract - friend who is nothing like them! but still hangs around! 

someone she feels like she has 2 protect - for whatever reason, even tho they can prob take care of themselves, prue is super fkn protective of them 

a genuine friend - yeah she just needs one idk she’s doing her best 

ex (f/nb) - someone she dated for a little bit but they broke up because of prue’s inability to open tf up 

fwb (f/nb) - ? maybe we all got needs, and she’s not looking for a relationship

attraction (f/nb) - there’s tension and neither know why! 

rival - to paraphrase a tumblr post what is a rival if not a crush you’re unhappy abt 

pure of heart, dumb of ass and lesbian - i just love this trope 

sibling like - someone who she genuinely sees as a younger/older sibling... goes to them for shit... protects them

frenemies - theyre not rly friends but they dont entirely hate each other either? 

tbh anything 

[countdownto65]

Empathy for Self

What is the nemesis of shame? Empathy.

What is the root of most of your shame? Attention seeking, codependentcy and sexual misconduct.

Empathy. You were the oldest in the family fighting for parental attention against two babies.

You hit puberty early. This was a 2 fold problem. You started getting attention furthering the tight shirts but in turn Everyone in 4th grade started calling you a ho. You had never even kissed a boy. You were not a ho and kids are fucking mean.

But you know who else’s attention you got by having boobs, dressing in body suits and seeking attention at 11 years old? A fucking pedophile. While your behavior made you an easy target, NO ONE DESERVES TO BE SEXUALLY EXPLOITED AT 12, 13, 14, OR 15 YEARS OLD. Did you fuckin get that? No matter what your actions it was not your fault they targeted you. Even if you agreed to it at 13, 14, 15 you can leave that self blame right here bc that was their bad NOT YOURS. This is where you learned sex = attention, power, control. They would buy you stuff, get you high and drunk, make you feel like the best person they know all (not explicitly stated) for sexual behavior. I learned a skewed view on relationships and appropriate sexual behavior in adult married behavior. I learned to emotionally detach from sex. I learned to over ride the “this shit ain’t right” feeling you get in your chest when you are uncomfortable in a situation. All of these things are what set your boundaries and your very left field view of what kind of attention makes you feel worthwild. This was not your fault and sometimes life has shitty things happen that effect our outlook forever.

So it sure was easy to sleep with boyfriends, I mean you “loved” them, they were always older, sex was something that didn’t come from everybody so with my sexual skills I learned from the pedophiles I was the best gf a 16 year old could have. And bc I could so easily separate sex from emotion (as a conditioned response to molestation) and it was a way to get boys I liked to notice me, I gave it up easily. Not necessarily sex, but sexual acts. It was one way I felt power and control. Boys treated me special on the surface bc I was pretty with tight clothes…but I failed to realize the power was momentary at the cost of respect. Both self respect and respect of everyone else. This was when my first experience with the fuck and run type of dude came in. The first time I cared. After that I didn’t at least I told myself I didn't but This was when I began codependency. They didn’t always fuck and run. I was good at getting boys to stick around for a while. I was a serial dater. I had to have a significant other to feel worth so I had too many boyfriends. Always one on hand one on the backburner. This was you reaching out for real connection, something you felt had been missing both with your parents, your abusers and your random sexual encounters. When I had a bf I was faithful. I know that sounds fucked up bc I just said I had a backburner but I was never sleeping with this other guy. I just friend zoned him knowing he liked me so I could establish my safety net. So one day at 17 Ieft home, went to a house party, hooked up with the guy who’s house it was (Matt) and that was the start of my first adult relationship. I loved him from the bottom of my toes but he often cheated on me and I never left him for it. It was at this time that I severed my relationship with my abusers. I was old enough to at least have an inkling something wasn’t right, plus now I considered it cheating and I didn’t cheat on him. He started selling drugs. We both got into cocaine. It was easy bc I dated the dopeman.

Then he went to prison. I continued the relationship with him but continued to date/sleep with men while he was away. This was when I caught an std and began stripping on weekends. This is still caused by poor boundaries and a skewed idea of sex and power… Set in motion by sexual abuse. By now I had slowed way down on cocaine but had a huge weed and alcohol habit. I worked at a catholic preschool during the week but stripped to pay for my substances on Sat nights. This set off a little bit of the uncomfortable double life feeling but I pushed it down. I also hustled people for substances. Although I never slept with anyone for money or drugs. But I def made them think I might so they would get me high. Never felt bad either bc if your a dude willing to be got you deserved to get hustled…that was my mindset. I also saw stripping as a hustle. Hustle to me means fuck with a lame walk with a limp. I mean if your gonna be thirsty I’ll take your money. This is probably when I acquired my mindset that most dudes were creeps and out to get me. I realize now that by appearing easy I was literally attracting creeps but at the time I enjoyed the attention and the feeling of superiority and has a huge sample of men to confirm my bias.

Every now and then though I got tricked out of my hard exterior and caught feelings. This is my deep emotional need for connection, to feel worth while. This is where I met my daughters father. He was a giant red flag but problem with bad boundaries and emotional regulation is if I liked you I would ignore red flags and become overly obsessed with you. This has continued to be a problem throughout adulthood.

Anyways I dated Tony until He went to prison, then Matt got out of prison until we broke up, then Tony got out of prison and we has Olivia. Then Tony went back to prison and I met Jason, I left Jason when Tony got out of prison but when Tony and I broke up I went back to Jason and we had Leah. Are you seeing the boomerang effect of codependentcy and back burner relationships. One stable relationship was not enough.

I wanted Jason to be different. To be a family but unfortunately Jason turned out to be very abusive mentally, physically and emotionally. He was an alcoholic and a mean one. But for some reason I loved him and let him stomp on me over and over. He took my confidence. He took my pride. He took my soul. I tried to break up with him 30 times he would say no and just wouldn’t leave. I was faithful to him until I moved out into subsidised housing. But even then I didn’t have multiple men just one man that to this day I love. This guy put up with being #2 for 2 years on and off. Maybe he knew I loved him, maybe he knew that I was stuck with Jason, maybe he knew I needed to feel wanted and worthy. During this I felt guilty and shameful. I eventually bought a house and moved Jason in. That is when this other guy got a new gf and left me alone. It was like mourning a breakup that I couldn’t tell anyone. Eventually I legally evicted Jason and this left me with a self worth and connection black hole.

I acted out for a minute on my usual single m.o.. Then an old friend from middle school came in. He was different then others in that he was genuinely nice and cared for my well being. Unfortunately he also came with a huge dose of depression leading to at the time an inability to keep a job or help with housework. But I stayed with him on and off for the next few years bc I loved him for his emotional support and that he made me feel worthy. Plus it was safe. As a woman in her 30s, I am at the point that if I’m in a relationship I don’t cheat or scope out new guys or have a backburner. It kept me emotionally reeled in. But bc of my trust issues, bc of my lack of feeling worthy, bc of my resentment for him watching me struggle, and bc of my need for excitement or passion (see drama) I couldn’t be with him forever. Even after he got better and held a job and helped my brain short circuits and told me that our lack of connection was insurmountable. I broke his heart and he did nothing wrong. I am just still searching for that lasting “in love” connection that I am not sure exists. I harbor huge guilt here. Both for his feelings and for what could be wrong with me that I left what I said I wanted. That maybe my brain will never let me really love. My only empathy here is that I am working on my shit and all I can do is that.

Every time in my adult life when I have been unhappy in a relationship I’ve left instead of fixing. I have searched out attention through suggestive facebook posts or selfies or sexting. I have been emotionally raw towards men. I had a shitty attitude toward relationships. Anytime that I was single or had freedom I either had a fuck buddy that I didn’t feel anything for or sometimes I would make a strong connection and go all in. I would rush it sexually (again not necessarily full sex but messing around for sure) and more times then not I get played. Within 2 weeks after they no longer answer my texts or calls. This is the shit adult shame is built from. How can you be so blind and stupid? Why can’t you be stable and happy? But here is where I need an empathy piece. Your sexuality was already not healthy then Jason stripped you of any self worth. He often told you no one could ever love me bc I was such a low down terrible person, a piece of shit mother, a whore. Six years of that and you begin to believe it. So if a man comes along and sells you a dream of being loveable its hard not to want with all your heart to believe them. And sexuality is my only tool I know for reeling them in. But when things get too serious I start getting scared of being broken or having to work on things that historically haven’t worked or old scars become obsessions.

I am at a point in my life now that I want to change but Tbh I don’t know how. I want to regain respect for myself and I would like to change peoples opinion of me or better yet not care. This has sent me into a major mental health crisis. I want to know how to reel it in and gain respect while still being true to myself. I still yearn for spark, sex and connection but I want to do it healthily. I want to take the emotional polarization and shame out of sex. Instead of not caring at all or being a crazy obsessive smothering weirdo and throwing myself at someone then feeling like an idiot for falling so hard. So maybe dates in public, counting actions over words and putting time in between the spark and the sex.

I am still struggling with what to do about social media. I mean I need to chill on the provocative selfies, attention seeking posts, and entertaining anyone that messages me… but I still like to be noticed. I want to post selfies and I think dirty memes are funny. Anyway this is long. I am still figuring shit out. And I can’t just look at empathy without taking inventory of what I could have done differently. But this post is empathy and it did help take off a small piece of that shame.

(*when I say act out sexually I don't mean I've had hundreds of partners but rather I have been quick to sexually experiment but I have also developed a "stop point". Don't get it too twisted.)

[saskicss-blog]

hihihi pals it’s still meee local sleepy bb elise but this is the new n improved cass ! who is now called saskia and has cailin russo as her fc instead of cami (rip cass/cami my loves). i realised i never did the proper intro post for cass ?? i cheated n linked to her bio oops so here is the loooong overdue intro post :)) also dont pay attention to my theme ummm im not happy yet ! also i will mssg those i have big connections w/ to adjust them or get smth new !!

saskia has lived in san diego for four years, but before that she lived in san francisco - all about the sans -  with her mum and dad but no siblings (sometimes she wondered what life would be like if there was someone else around, but she never necessarily regrets that loss - can’t miss what you don’t have. not many of her friends had siblings, she was all about that only child vibe).

her dad was always p controlling growing up, but saskia just considered him to be strict n not much else - he wanted her to be the best of the best, n she started thinking that she could be, that she was, even if her insecurities ran deep as a result of all the pressure he put on her ! my poor bb but obvs all of that was buried as far as it could go so he wouldn’t see

she was fifteen when her dad thought it was time she knew about the family business, as she had known for a long time not to ask any questions about it - he was always so secretive and her mother would back him on anything, always putting her husband before her daughter. To say she was shocked to find out that her father was a drug dealer was an understatement, she would never have guessed it, having thought it was a job for people with less money than they had and individuals that had no other choice - not someone that would choose it. The fact of the matter was that her father was selling to other rich men that wanted to properly unwind after stressful days running big businesses - and he liked bringing saskia along. Even when she was younger she looked older, mature, so he’d make sure she got all dolled up and come to the swanky parties with him.

Things carried on that way for two years before it all caught up with him. Saskia was surprised he didn’t attempt to bring her down with him, but the trial was swift and he was given the maximum sentence as the officials wanted to make a show of being tough on white collar crime. At least that’s what Saskia was always told, for her mother decided she shouldn’t have the whole story, making it the only instance in her years of motherhood in which she tried to protect the girl.

What the blonde wasn’t told is that in a drug deal gone bad, in an effort to preserve his reputation and avoid getting ratted out by an unhappy client, he shot someone and they died. After the trial saskia’s mum left town with the money that they had left - all that she could grab - and saskia was left with social services, rehousing her as she had just turned 18. And with that, Saskia moved to San Diego.

Without the financial support she was used to, she had to get herself a job and work for everything she wanted, which has been a massive culture shock. While there was some money saved for her in an account, she’s wasted most of it furnishing her apartment and buying things to make herself feel better after losing both of her parents and her life in san fran. Her upbringing has had a big impact on who she is, torn between a sense of superiority and deep set insecurities, struggling to showcase her emotions after years of being told it was better to bottle it up rather than bothering people and showing a weakness that could be exploited.

Saskia likes to give off the impression that she’s a hardass because that’s what her dad wanted, but she’s scared more often than she’ll admit. She often lies or hints about things she’s done that she hasn’t, and enjoys the reputation she’s been building for herself - she believes that rumours often do more work than having to do the wild thing itself, and in conversation tends to act coy and refuse to give details so that people make assumptions about her life. For example, she’s only slept with two people but likes people to think she has slept with many more so that she might suggest she doesn’t form emotional attachments, is able to do as she pleases without repercussions.

While it was a dream that her father always discouraged, whilst in san diego saskia has let herself get into writing - something she always wanted to do.Having her tendency to fabricate she believes she’ll write great fiction, and her goal is to be published one day, even if at the moment it’s writing scraps while at work.

She can only be truly comfortable with a couple of people, more concerned about her reputation with the majority, and she tends to tailor things to the person she’s with so that the right persona will come across. Not even knowing the full story herself, she’s only told one person (her bffaeaeae) that her father is in prison and her mother abandoned her, not wanting that vulnerability to be public knowledge - she skirts around the topic if people ask about her family.

Before she moved to san diego four years ago she lived in san fran with her super controlling father and her pushover mother - her father had v high hopes n refused to accept anything less than exactly what he wanted, and her mother would never intervene. She’s now got deep set insecurities bc of her dad and her mum not wanting to do anything about it. Aged fifteen she found out what her secretive father did - selling drugs to rich old men that needed to relax after running the big biz !!

other bits and bobs

avid but secret doctor who fan bc why not

basically drug dealer princess but daddy is in prison so she needs a job bc all the money is gone !!! he left some to her but it ran out. also she doesn’t know that he killed someone she just thinks he got caught with drugs. it was a few years ago n nobody told her bc she was underage

not good with emotions n stuff bc her dad was always on at her to be a hardass and not let anyone get to u bc that’s when you’re weak

trying to be a writer n so does a bunch of wacky things to get inspo for her book bc the best writing supposedly comes from experience - thereby willing to try anything once

only slept with one person maybe two but likes having a reputation that she’s slept with more, always coy about it n hinting

she can be kooky n a bit wacky w/ people she’s comfortable with

some connection ideas

romantic

the one she lost her virginity to jameson the one(s) she thinks is attractive the one she says she sleeps with the one she dated wren the one she rebounded with after her first love (virginity person) jason the one she loves to hate and hates to love the one she flirts with the one she almost dated

platonic

the only one she trusts completely the one that’s just a colleague the one that helps her get through her shifts the one she lives with emmery the one she can talk books and writing with nico the one she drinks with the one she hates the one she’s rivals with the one she’s fake friends with karina the one she’s been friends with since she moved the one she goes crazy with the one she bothers the one that understands

bits of cass/saskia that are the same

her desire to do crazy things

her struggle to deal w/ relationships n stuff - her inexperience

some people thinking she’s sweet n underestimating her capacity to do some damage

the chaos of her growing up - now a bit more intense ha as it was an ever changing foster family n now it’s a drug dealing father and a mother that might as well have been called acquiesce

not entirely genuine, although it’s more of an intentional thing with saskia than it was with cass

so that’s saskia, this post is such a mess pls but hmu for things !!! basically for a v short summary she’s a little sarcastic thing that wants to be a hardass but isnt really even tho she likes to stir shit every now and then and will fabricate things to keep up a reputation bc her drug dealer dad was super strict n she’s gotten practice lying about things from him and after he was in prison bc she doesn’t like telling people

[declanflores-blog]

hello loves !! my name is drea and i’m super stoked to be here. i haven’t rped in like 2 years so i was lowkey hesitant about sending an app?? but i’m glad i did and i’m ready to have fun with y’all! let’s make this rp last. more stuff about me: i talk way too much & english is not my first language so i apologize in advance for any mistakes i might make. i also love writing angst too much.

here’s my baby declan flores, my insecure bi cinnamon roll the songwriter ( come love him i literally want a connection w/ all of u & i got some ideas at the end of this post )

i’ll just put here what i sent in my app! it’s kinda long ahhh but this is p much his backstory, i’ll probably end up doing a fancier statistics page or w/e. trigger warning: homophobia

declan comes from a big & very religious family. his parents have always been very strict, particularly with their beliefs and how they passed them on to their children. for most of declan’s life he believed that if he sinned he would go to hell, he had to pray every day, wait until marriage to have sex, being gay was wrong, etc… he didn’t really know another way of thinking until he went to high school, where he befriended a few people that weren’t heavily religious and kind of challenged his way of seeing the world. as he grew older and surrounded himself with other opinions, he eventually realized that his parents’ beliefs and ideals weren’t perfect. he began doubting god but he kind of kept that to himself, so to his parents he was always the perfect son who could never disappoint them.

he started a band with his three best friends when they got out of high school & they were kind of punk rock and all. declan always really loved music, it’s his biggest passion, but tbh his voice isn’t that great and people tried to tell him but the band was under the illusion that they were good lol. it kinda worked out for a while, they reached a small amount of fame; they could have made it, but then declan started developing feelings for the guitarist of the band. they were best bros and declan thought he was on the same page but the dude pretty much told him “no, i ain’t gay”… which ultimately created a lot of messy drama within the band and they eventually broke up. this is when everything in declan’s life started falling apart — he was super lost because he didn’t understand how he could have feelings for a man (again, for most of his life he was told that that was wrong) & his religious beliefs were tested once again. he mistakenly thought he could come clean to his parents about what was going on in hopes that they would support him, but obviously it didn’t go that way. he quickly went from ‘perfect son’ to the family’s black sheep. as much as he tried, he couldn’t get his parents to see that their beliefs were fucked up & what saddened him the most was that they were convinced he was ‘sick’ for having romantic feelings for a man.

at that point declan was like 20 so he moved out of home and since then he hasn’t returned. he’s 25 now and he still speaks to his siblings sometimes, but his relationship with his parents is pretty tainted. he doesn’t really have a home, he just kinda crashes on his friends’ places when he needs to, but he started earning money for himself with songwriting. ever since the band fiasco he has accepted that he’s not suited for the actual singing and performing, but he rather likes being backstage and writing songs. he’s well known in the ‘behind the scenes’ world of hollywood because he’s written some bops for really popular artists and his lyrics are really good. he was asked to write a song with/for the unapologetics & one thing led to another — now he’s touring with them and getting the opportunity to be around music all the time which keeps him happy. he doesn’t really have any goals; he’s the type of person that just goes with the flow and doesn’t plan for tomorrow.

i guess the skeleton in his closet is that declan is bisexual, he just doesn’t know it yet. he has a really hard time accepting that concept, mostly because he refuses to accept that he’s attracted to men. he feels like he has to choose a side — men or women, and due to his religious past he’s only accepts his attraction for women.

declan is generally a nice person, he’s a great friend & listener, but a really hard person to get to know, which is ironic since he pours his heart and soul into his lyrics. but he’s one of those people that shares lots of useless details about himself to give you the sense that you know a lot about him when in fact you probably don’t even know that he doesn’t talk to his parents anymore. he has a lot of friends but considers himself to be a loner, not because he wants to, but because he thinks it’s better that way. he’s terribly afraid of being judged, namely for his sexuality, so he keeps a distance from anyone who tries to get too close and only vaguely shares his feelings through songs. he can be a bit aggressive when people criticize him because he takes everything personally, so if you get on his bad side expect him to be an asshole. deep down (like very deep down) he’s a hopeless romantic, he just wants to be loved unconditionally and learn how to accept himself ??

IDEAS FOR CONNECTIONS !!

( so i restricted the first 3 to male & female simply bc they tie in with declan’s ‘secret’, so they’re more specific and only make sense a certain way. but i absolutely want to plot with everyone and do more stuff besides what’s mentioned here!! so hmu if u wanna take any of these or if u have a wanted connection of your own that u think declan is perfect for than lmk i’m honestly up for anything ay)

CRUSH — so i’d love for declan to have a lil crush on a guy and it’s basically the thing with the ex best friend happening all over again. this would be someone that declan is good friends with, but he feels attracted to him / them and he tries to repress those feelings as much as possible because he’s convinced it won’t be reciprocated and he doesn’t wanna get his heart broken again. also, u know, the whole ‘i refuse to like dudes’ thing. so this other person tries to keep this friendship going but declan often distances himself on purpose. this person doesn’t need to have a crush on declan back, i honestly have no preference so that’d be up to you!! 

FLING BUT NOT REALLY — shoutout if you watch shadowhunters bc this one is kinda inspired by #malec HA. so this would be someone (male) who is a lot more comfortable with their sexuality and kinda flirts with declan all the time, mostly for the joy of watching him get all flustered and taken aback. sometimes declan flirts back without meaning to so there’s some ~tension but nothing beyond that ever happens because declan runs away as soon as it gets serious. this person is p sure that declan is bi but he / they have never confronted him about it. this could honestly go a million different ways so idk, just a general idea!! 

ACTUAL FLING — so i was thinking maybe he has a ~thing going on with a girl and p much everyone can see it, like they’ve both hinted that they like each other (but the actual extent of those feelings can be discussed). they can’t seem to go forward though bc one minute declan is really sweet to her and the next he doesn’t seem interested anymore. he doesn’t feel like he can trust his feelings for anyone & he fears that he might be taking advantage of his feelings for her to forget about men (again, the concept of bisexuality: 404 error), so he knows that if they got together he wouldn’t be 100% honest with her and bc he genuinely cares about her as a person he doesn’t want to hurt her. u get the kinda angst i’m trying to convey here

BEST FRIEND / RIDE OR DIE — basically the only person in the world who really knows declan inside and out. they know everything about his parents, about his insecurities and why he’s so closed off. somehow they’ve truly earned declan’s trust which is a very rare thing

ENEMY — someone who declan can’t stand (and vice versa) which is really inconvenient since they’re constantly running into each other on tour. not sure what could have sparked this relationship (or lack of) but since declan is really defensive about basically everything i imagine they can’t be in the same space for more than 10 minutes

SONGWRITING BUDDIES ?? if your character is in one of the bands and writes songs we should def figure out some sort of connection cuz declan is on the tour to spend time with you!! & this could ofc go hand in hand with any of the previous ideas if you’d like

idk what else give me all the things

[sjweminem]

ask game - girls, teddy bears, and crush (besides Pete's ass, c'mon)

girls: what’s your favourite thing about dating girls?

the sense of freedom/understanding/safety, knowing my feelings are actually genuine and i think women are like. almost universally beautiful (whereas any “attraction” to men i felt was flimsy and i had a very very narrow set of physical parameters they’d have to meet to keep my interest)

teddy bears: are you clingy?

NO LOL i’m the opposite (to a fault) i’m very aloof and don’t like to depend on anybody for anything.....i can’t have clingy friends either bc i can’t relate to that emotional intensity or give them all the attention they want, it’s not how i show love and i’m just not equipped for it in the first place

crush: do you have a crush?

it’s hard to tell tbh i think i just automatically crush on any girls who are older and cooler than me but i only realize it once we interact and they’re nice to me

[lua-rp]

Alias: lua. Age: 26. Availability: afternoons and evenings.  Name a film/tv show in the last year you enjoyed, and share why: i am such a movie geek and i get excited about a lot of the stuff i see. i’m always a sucker for good writing and great character development - but i guess i’m a little bit of a nerd for a fast-paced action plot as well. a movie that hit me right in the feels recently was ford vs. ferrari, and last year’s triple frontier. if we’re talking tv-shows, i was pleasantly surprised by virgin river on netflix. i was hesitant because it’s based off a series of cheesy hallmark novels, but the writing was on point! and of course there’s yellowstone on paramount. that show never ceases to amaze me tremendously. also, kevin costner holds my heart no matter what. How do you like your coffee/tea?  i like my coffee with a little bit of milk. black if it’s an interesting roast or blend. i don’t drink tea very often. What is your preferred posting method? i always aim for third person, present or past tense. i can do either and always do whatever my rp partner is the most comfortable with. What is your average post length? so i’m the type of person that genuinely tries to keep the length to a minimum while still trying to convey emotion and action. i would say i succeed about 10% of the time. the rest of the time - get ready for me to dump a 400+ word post on you bc i simply can’t rein in my muse once i get going. How often are you likely to post in an activity cycle (every 10 days)? likely once or more every day. there will be days where i literally have nothing to do but write.  What attracted you to WSD, and what are you excited for? the fact that you labeled it as an advanced writing community. i really miss that! i miss fellow rp-partners who loves delving deep into their characters mind and figure out what makes them tick and that way convey something real, true and raw in their writing and development. i hope to find that here - and i guess i can only hope that i will be able to keep up myself. Who is your favorite face claim? under 30? tristin mays and michael evans behling. Who is your favorite face claim over 30? i rarely write characters under the age of 35 anymore, so most of my faves are oldies. i am absolutely in love with women like elisha dushku, alexa davalos, nafessa williams and always, always jessica alba. oh, and i have a thing for ~older men too; watch me faint over, and give all the plots (included but not limited) to: jeffrey dean morgan, frank grillo, boris kodjoe and shemar moore.  Tell us one plot you’ve always wanted to write but was never fulfilled: [TW I DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE A READ-ALL!] so lately i’ve been really wanting to explore the workings of a (dysfunctional) marriage between characters in their late 40′s to early 50′s. and as a huge sucker for ex-military characters, i would love to incorporate that somehow. the husband being discharged (unwillingly, likely medically) after a lifetime in the armed forces and now being faced to deal with life as a civilian. his wife has been used to taking care of everything on her own, and now they need to make it work as a family for the first time in forever?? he would rather be half a world away still, and she would rather continue on her own bc things has been Just Fine whenever he wasn’t home. maybe she has had an affair. pls. this was a shitty summary, i can do better. other than that?? i am mostly trash. give me all the age gaps, the corrupt cops, sassy strippers, ass-kicking bartenders, the unhealthy power dynamics and student/teacher relationships and i’ll be a happy duck.