#can’t tell if i should start telling cis people my pronouns are he/they so they’ll just see me as guy lite

[devilofthepit]

i just need to be perceived like a feminine guy without being a guy and actually being a Thing

[iclaimedtobethebetterbard]

of falling & skateboards

Fandom: Sanders Sides Characters: Logan, Virgil, background Remus & Janus Rating: Teen & up Relationships: Pre-romantic/platonic Analogical (first meeting), romantic Dukeceit (getting together), platonic Dukexiety.  Warnings: Language, Remus is somewhat suggestive throughout because he’s Remus, minor injuries Word count: 4541

Read on AO3!

My writing masterpost

Starlight Universe masterpost

analogical week 2021 start - previous - here - next - masterpost

Summary: Virgil's friend Remus drags him to the skate park and promptly abandons him in order to flirt with Janus; at least Remus had the grace to introduce Virgil to Janus's attractive friend Logan, who is just as poorly versed in skateboarding techniques as Virgil.

Notes: Day 5 of Analogical Week 2021! @analogicalweek Remus uses he/they pronouns; at this point, Janus uses they/them.  Takes place in my Starlight Universe, does not need context to read. 

 Virgil’s phone began ringing, making him jump. He fished it out of his pocket, planning to hang up until he saw the caller ID. It was Remus—one of his new friends. They’d met at a club Virgil had gone to during orientation, and they’d hit it off and started hanging out. 

Virgil picked up the call. “Would it kill you to fucking text me first?” 

“You don’t respond fast enough,” Remus said, sounding bored. 

“Sometimes I’m in class, Remus!” 

“Are you in class now?” Remus asked. 

“...No.” 

“So it’s all good, see!” Remus cackled. “Anyway,” they went on, steamrollering over Virgil’s objection, “you wanna come to the skatepark with me this weekend?” 

That was totally out of the blue. “What?” Virgil asked after a pause. “Why?” 

“So, my brother has this roommate, and he’s super nerdy and boring but I think you’d totally get along and he’s coming to the skatepark with me and you should totally come along and meet him!” Remus explained. 

His voice was a little too self-satisfied. “What’s the catch?” Virgil asked suspiciously. 

Remus gasped dramatically. “Can’t I just want good things for my friend?” 

Virgil waited. 

“Also he’s friends with Janus and he’s bringing them, which is obviously totally unrelated,” Remus added. 

“Aha.” That made more sense; Remus had told Virgil way more information than he wanted to know about their crush on this Janus figure. 

“So you’ll come?” Remus asked eagerly. 

It wasn’t like Virgil had anything else going on this weekend. “Sure. I’ll come distract your friend so you can flirt.” 

“Hey!” Remus yelped, loud enough that Virgil winced and held the phone away from his ear. “Listen, this is a win-win situation for both of us! You’ll love him. Promise. He’s so fucking boring and nerdy, you’re going to talk each other’s ears off. It’ll be great! Trust me!” 

“Sure,” Virgil said, amused. “Text me the time and place. Text me,” he repeated for emphasis, and hung up the phone. 

On Saturday morning, he met up with Remus and the pair of them walked to the bus stop. Remus had their skateboard with them; Virgil didn’t own one, but Remus had assured him that he could check one out at the park for a small fee if he wanted to. 

“You did not say it was fancy,” Virgil accused as the bus pulled away from the stop. 

“What?” Remus looked down at himself. “Oh. No, I’m just sexy, nobody’s supposed to be fancy.” He was wearing a gray sports bra—it was the first time Virgil had seen him without a binder on, but even in a public setting he seemed totally unbothered—and faded jeans with huge holes in the knees, as well as platform doc martens and an olive green bomber jacket with “HE/THEY” stencilled on the back in white paint above a pair of skeletal hands giving double birds. His belly button was pierced and he was wearing a chunky black piece with small silver spikes in it; they had fishnet gloves on their hands, a black choker with small studded spikes on it around their neck, chunky black and silver studs in the three piercings he had in each ear, and messily smudged black and silver eyeshadow. His dark green curls were pushed back into a tiny, low ponytail that did absolutely nothing to contain them or make them less messy. “Pretty sure this isn’t what normal people mean when they say fancy, anyway,” they added thoughtfully. 

“Shut up, this is fancy. You’re being fancy to impress your crush.” Virgil elbowed them in the side. He was only wearing his typical combination of band tee, skinny jeans, and black hoodie; he felt positively underdressed next to them. 

“Yes, I am very very sexy and this is my mating call,” Remus said with an easy shrug. “What can I say?” After a pause, they added, “Do you think it’ll work?” 

Virgil snickered. “Sure. Whatever. You look very punk. I’m sure they’ll be very impressed.” 

“Good,” Remus said happily. “Here, this is our stop.” 

One thing Virgil had learned about Remus was that they had what seemed to be actually boundless energy, and it showed in the way they walked. They practically skipped, moving at a pace so quick Virgil had difficulty keeping up. But Remus was especially energetic today, and it got worse the closer they got to their destination. He was practically vibrating out of his skin by the time the park came in sight. 

“There they are!” he exclaimed, pointing to two people standing in the shade of a tree and making conversation. “Jan is the gothy one, the nerd’s all yours.” 

Virgil screeched to a dead stop and grabbed Remus’s elbow. “Dude.”  

“What?” Remus looked at him with raised eyebrows. 

“You didn’t say he was hot!” Virgil snapped. 

“What?” Remus looked bewildered, looking back to the people he’d pointed out. His expression cleared. “Oh, right, I forgot you can be attracted to cis people.” He looked back at Virgil. “I dunno. Make out with him about it?” 

“Jesus Christ—no! I don’t know anything about him, for starters?”

“Fuck first, ask questions later.” Remus grinned. “Or if you don’t want to, then just get over it. People are hot sometimes. No big deal.”

Virgil spluttered for a moment. “That is such terrible advice, please tell me you don’t actually—”

“No, no, I’m marginally smart sometimes, don’t worry about me. But I don’t know what you want from me, dude.” Remus shrugged. “This really seems like a you problem.” 

“I need to mentally prepare myself before I talk to hot people! A warning would have been nice!” Virgil said, hiding in the hood of his hoodie. 

“Mentally prepare yourself now, then,” Remus said pragmatically. “This is really not my fault, I simply am sexier than you at all times and it gives me the power to say no thank you to being attracted to cis people. How was I supposed to know you’d think he was hot? Like, if you get all hot and bothered by glasses and the walking personification of a college textbook, be my guest, but I don’t get it.” 

Virgil groaned. “Actually, I’ve changed my mind, could you shut up about it forever starting now?” 

“Oh, absolutely not, but your complaint is noted,” Remus said. “C’mon, let’s go say hi, some of us actually want to flirt with the people we think are hot.” They grabbed Virgil’s elbow and dragged him over. 

“Remus,” Hot Glasses Boy said cordially (and dammit, he was tall, which was another thing Virgil found attractive). “This is your friend, I assume?” 

“Yeah!” Remus grinned. “Logan, Virgil, Virgil, Logan. Apparently you’re hot. He’s emo. You’re both nerds, you should get along great.” 

“Remus!” Virgil snapped, cheeks going hot with embarrassment. 

“What? What?” Remus demanded, then elbowed past Virgil. “Hiiiii, Janus.” 

Janus raised a singular eyebrow, looking for some reason amused rather than annoyed. “Hello there.” They eyed him up and down. “I like your jacket,” they added, very obviously staring at his chest in a way that Virgil suspected has nothing to do with the jacket. 

Remus grinned and did a little twirl. “Thanks, I decorated it myself,” he said, wiggling his shoulders. “Wanna see me do a sick kickflip?” 

“Sure,” Janus agreed, and allowed Remus to link his arm through theirs and drag them eagerly away in the direction of the skating area, already talking a mile a minute and beaming up at them. 

Which left Virgil alone with this Logan guy and no idea what to talk about. He coughed, shuffling his feet awkwardly. Now that he was up close like this, Logan actually looked familiar, but Virgil couldn’t quite place him. Shit. Should he know him from something? 

“Don’t we have History 104 together?” Logan said, breaking the silence (and saving Virgil from the approximately two dozen different social gaffes he knew he was probably committing by not knowing what to say) all at once.

Virgil breathed out a sigh of relief, because yeah, that was it; this was the guy who sat at the front of the huge lecture hall and always raised his hand (and his voice was unmistakable too, now that he’d spoken; Virgil would have placed him in another minute). “Oh, yeah,” he said. He had no clue how the guy recognized Virgil; it was a big class, and Virgil usually sat by the back. Maybe he noticed Virgil on his way in? Virgil guessed he sat kind of close to the door. It was possible. 

“What do you think of the class?” Logan asked, and for some reason he sounded genuinely curious, not like he was just making small talk for the sake of it. 

Virgil had absolutely skipped two class sessions and napped through another, but he found himself not wanting to admit it. “It’s alright, I guess. The professor’s kind of dry for me, but the readings are okay.” That was more or less true, although it was maybe the most positive spin on his opinion. 

Logan nodded, adjusting his glasses and absorbing Virgil’s words like they were actually important information. “He is a bit long-winded sometimes. I wish he would be clearer about which things he intends to test us on.” 

Virgil nodded vigorously. “Right? Like, what’s up with that? Why is he spending twenty minutes out of the hour telling us about, I don’t know farming practices, or whatever, if he’s just going to say ‘oh, but that stuff won’t be on the test, I just think it’s interesting’ at the end?” 

“Well, it is interesting,” Logan said. (Virgil disagreed, but held his tongue.) “But I do wish he’d be clearer about what he intends for us to be taking away from his lectures ahead of time.” 

Virgil nodded again, and there was a brief silence while he scrambled for something to say. 

He glanced over Logan’s shoulder at the skating area; Janus was sitting on the edge with their legs dangling into the area, watching Remus, who was skateboarding back and forth at a speed that couldn’t be safe. 

“So,” Virgil said, looking back to Logan because he was pretty sure he’d scream if he watched Remus tempt fate any longer, “you’re friends with Remus?” 

Logan made a gesture that wasn’t quite a shrug. “I suppose so. He’s my roommate Roman’s twin, and the two of them spend a lot of time together, so I think I am friends with him by association. I’m much closer with Roman. Not that I don’t enjoy Remus’s company. I simply don’t know them as well yet.” 

“Right, right,” Virgil said. 

“How are you acquainted with them?” Logan asked. 

“Oh, we met at a club during orientation,” Virgil said. “We hang out a lot. He’s pretty chill most of the time.” Well. “Chill” wasn’t really the right word to describe anything Remus did, ever. But it did describe Virgil’s feelings towards him. 

“Ah, I see.” Logan nodded. “Do you know Janus at all?” 

“Not really—I mean, Remus talks about them a ton, but we haven’t really met or anything,” Virgil said. “You do, though, right?” 

“Yes, we were in the same group at orientation, and now we’re friends,” Logan said. “They and I like to deconstruct TV scripts together.” 

That sounded incredibly nerdy, and Virgil wasn’t even sure what it meant. “Wow,” he said, not sure how else to react. “Fun?” 

Logan smiled, and fuck, Virgil had managed to forget he was cute for a minute there, but it was back in full force now. “It’s lots of fun,” he agreed. 

They made some more small talk—majors, hometowns, and so on. Logan actually paid attention to every word Virgil said, and he was surprisingly easy to open up to. He didn’t seem judgemental, instead accepting every word Virgil spoke as important. Virgil was actually starting to feel comfortable talking to him, which was… cool. Remus’s assessment of the way they’d get along evidently hadn’t been too off. 

After a while, Logan looked over his shoulder at Remus and Janus; Remus had coaxed Janus onto the skateboard, and was pushing them back and forth, his hands clasped carefully around their waist and a huge grin spread across his face. 

“Are you planning to try that?” Logan asked Virgil, gesturing at the little building off to the side that was renting out skateboards and safety gear. 

Virgil hesitated. “I don’t know… are you?” he asked. 

Logan made a considering face. “I might. I’ve never been on a skateboard before.” 

“Wait, really?” Virgil asked. He hadn’t in a long time, but he’d been obsessed when he was twelve. He didn’t think that he’d been very good, but it hadn’t been for a lack of trying. 

Logan shook his head. “No, never.” 

“Well, we’ve got to change that,” Virgil found himself saying in spite of all the common sense that screams at him to not do something with such a high likelihood of making him look like a fool in front of a cute boy who was also turning out to be surprisingly easy to talk to, and thus a potential friend, which was honestly way more valuable than cuteness. 

Logan looked pleased, though, like he’d been hoping Virgil would agree, so Virgil couldn’t find it in himself to regret the decision. “Together, then?” he inquired. 

“Sure,” Virgil agreed, and they made their way into the building. 

They rented a pair of skateboards and two sets of safety gear for the minimum time—thirty minutes, at $15 apiece, which was definitely higher than Remus had implied but Virgil did luckily have the cash to spare—and made their way out to the skating area. 

Remus was now skating in tight, fast circles around Janus, who was holding perfectly still and calm at the lowest point of one of the curves built into the area. Virgil was pretty sure they weren’t supposed to be in the area without a skateboard of their own, but he also wasn’t about to tell them off and bring down the wrath of Remus upon himself. The two seemed engrossed in conversation, anway. 

Logan led Virgil to a completely different space from that which Remus and Janus were taking up. Virgil was grateful; he didn’t feel like being made fun of, no matter how good-naturedly, by Remus at this time, and while Janus was likely interesting enough to keep Remus from following them over here, they would never have passed up the opportunity if Logan and Virgil had stayed anywhere nearby. 

Logan stared at the skateboard he’d set down before himself on a flat space, looking vaguely perplexed. “You just climb on, right?” he inquired. 

“Yeah,” Virgil said. “You can, like, kick off with your foot to move, and stuff. Kind of like riding a bike.” He instantly regretted the comparison, and tacked on a hasty, “Only, not that much.” 

Logan made a small “huh” noise. “Interesting.” He cautiously put a foot on the skateboard and tested his weight on it. “Oh, I do not like that.” 

Virgil chuckled a little, tugging at the strap of his helmet to make sure it was securely fastened. “Yeah, it’s a pretty weird feeling, huh?” 

“The ground should be stable,” Logan said emphatically, staring at the skateboard that he was still barely resting one foot on with an expression on his face like it had personally wronged him. 

Virgil snickered. “Can’t say I disagree with you there, buddy. But seriously, it’s not too bad once you get used to it.” He hopped onto his own skateboard as if to prove his point, but he hadn’t realized he’d set it up on the barest incline, and as soon as his second foot left the ground it rolled right out from under him. 

“Are you okay?” Logan gasped, reaching to offer him a hand up. 

Virgil half laughed, because that was the best option just at this moment, trying his best to ignore the wish to go hide in a hole in the ground until everyone left and then never talk to Logan ever again. “I guess I deserved that,” he said, trying to shrug it off. “Got too cocky.” 

“You still shouldn’t get hurt! Are you okay?” Logan insisted, hands fluttering vaguely like he was resisting an instinct to check Virgil for injuries. 

Virgil’s tailbone was a little sore, which he was absolutely not going to admit to Logan under any circumstances when he’d only known the guy for half an hour, but aside from that—“I’m fine,” he insisted, brushing himself off. “Uh, thanks for the concern, though. I appreciate it,” he added awkwardly. 

“Are you sure? You—” Logan began. 

There was a loud cry of “FUCK!” from just out of sight that was undeniably Remus’s voice, followed by a crashing noise. 

“Oh, fuck indeed,” Virgil said under his breath, and scooped up his skateboard. “Come on.” 

Remus was rolling over as Virgil and Logan came into view of him; Janus was already kneeling by his side, worry plain to see on their face. 

“It was a very cool fall, don’t worry,” Remus yelled over at Virgil, pushing themself up on their elbows. “Ow, fuck.” 

“That is not the part I’m worried about, idiot!” Virgil called back as Remus gingerly poked at his knees, which were both scraped and bleeding. 

“No no, I’m fine, leave me alone, Virge,” Remus insisted hastily, making some complicated hand waving motions and glancing meaningfully at Janus. 

Janus looked very put out by this. “No, you know what, I’m inclined to let him scold you! Why would you not wear knee pads?” they demanded, grabbing Remus’s elbow, helping them to their feet, and guiding them to the side of the rink with motions far gentler than their words. 

Virgil paused, watching to see if Janus needed help, but now that it seemed they had it under control much more inclined to give into Remus’s wishes and let them handle it. 

“Because anarchy,” Remus said, grinning up at Janus and leaning all his weight on them, legs shaking slightly. 

Janus pushed him to sit on a bench with a fury that still managed to be gentle. “First of all, that is not what anarchy is, and second of all, even if it were, that’s still an objectively stupid decision to—”

“Oh, no, what a terrible mistake I’ve made,” Remus said with a shit-eating grin that told Virgil he knew the definition of anarchy perfectly well. “If only there were a smart, sexy nonbinary person around who knew all about anarchy, who could tell me what it really is while they tenderly bandage my wounds!” They cast themself back on the bench dramatically, draping the back of their hand across their forehead. 

Janus flushed slightly. “You could have just asked,” they said, and though their voice still had an annoyed bite it was softer now. “You didn’t have to get hurt before I gave you more attention.” They sank to their knees on the ground in front of him, examining the scrapes on his knees. 

Remus sat back up, reached out, and cupped Janus’s cheek in his hand, leaning far into their personal space. “Trust me, babe,” he said, and then something too low for Virgil to catch that made Janus flush a brilliant shade of red. 

Remus grinned and sat back, his fingers slowly dragging against Janus’s skin as he removed his hand from their face. “I have a first aid kit somewhere in here,” he said in a more normal tone, digging in his pockets and procuring a small white plastic box. He hesitated, eyes flicking to Janus. “If you don’t want—”

Janus rolled their eyes and shook their head. “Give me that.” They grabbed the kit and flipped it open, pinning down Remus’s legs with their elbows. “Don’t move.” 

Remus only rested his cheek on his fist, gazing down at Janus with a look on his face far softer and fonder than Virgil thought they’d ever admit to, should he call them out on it. 

“So,” Logan said in a low voice to Virgil, “please help me out here. Are they dating? I can’t tell.” 

“I’m so glad I’m not the only one who’s unclear on that,” Virgil responded in a similar tone, going to go pick up Remus’s abandoned skateboard. “I—I don’t think so? From the way Remus talked about this beforehand, I would have been sure not. But then they—” He gestured vaguely at Remus and Janus. 

“Exactly!” Logan agreed. “I wasn’t even sure if Janus liked them back before we got here, from how they talked about him.” 

Virgil snorted, watching Janus gently sponging Remus’s knees clean with a shockingly tender expression on their face, which up until now had been haughty. “That must have been a trip.” 

“You have no idea.” Logan shook his head. “Alright. I will continue to allow it to be a frustrating mystery, since you don’t seem to have the answer either. Do you wish to attempt skateboarding again before we have to return these?” 

Virgil glanced at his watch; there were only seven minutes left. “I dunno. It feels like Remus getting hurt kind of killed the mood for it a little, you know?” 

“I can understand that,” Logan agreed. 

They checked their skateboards and safety gear back in (Virgil deposited Remus’s skateboard next to the bench he was on as they went), and then made their way back outside. The sun was starting to reach just the sort of angle in the sky where it was annoying no matter which direction you were facing, so Logan and Virgil retreated to the shade of one of the nearby trees. 

“Did you know,” Logan began, examining a fallen leaf on the ground, “that you can actually eat magnolia blooms?” 

“Wait, oh my god, yeah!” Virgil sat up. “I haven’t done it before, but I really like making preserves.” It was a good activity for days when his anxiety just wouldn’t go away no matter what he did, because it took a long time and a lot of hands-on work that always helped to take himself out of his thoughts for a while. 

Logan lit up, adjusting his glasses and peering at Virgil with keen interest in his dark brown eyes. “Really? That’s fascinating! Tell me more!” 

That was honestly all it took to get Virgil to start explaining his hobby, and if he’d thought Logan had been paying attention to him when he talked before, that was nothing compared to this eager interest to learn that Logan was now displaying. He asked just the right questions to egg Virgil on and on, and occasionally interjected facts of his own, some of which Virgil knew and some of which he didn’t. It sounded like Logan didn’t have much actual experience with preserving food, but a decent framework of theoretical knowledge. 

“I wish I could see what that looks like in practice,” Logan said at one point, as Virgil explained the way fruit jellying worked. 

“I mean, I bet there’s videos on YouTube,” Virgil said thoughtfully. 

“Yes, but it’s not the same, you know?” 

Virgil turned this over. “Tell you what. Jellying is a lot of work, and I don’t think we could really do it in a dorm kitchen, but here. Give me your number. I’m down to show you some kind of preserving method. I’m sure we can figure out a way to make it work with what we’ve got.” He dug his phone out and opened it to a new contact page. 

Logan’s eyes widened. “Really?” 

“For sure, dude.” Virgil handed him the phone and watched as he punched his number in. “It’s been a while since I did any kitchen work anyway, I could use the destressor.” 

“I would love that, thank you!” Logan said with an enthusiasm that was absolutely catching. 

Virgil chuckled. “No problem.” As he reaccepted the phone from Logan, he noticed the time at the top of the screen. “Oh, shit, it’s nearly three. Do you have anywhere to be?” 

Logan blinked. “Really? It doesn’t feel like it’s been long at all.” 

“I know, right?” Virgil agreed with a small laugh. Talking to Logan was surprisingly enjoyable, given how rare it was for Virgil to really like the company of new people.

“I do have a paper due tonight that I haven’t started yet,” Logan said thoughtfully.

“Dude, what? Oh my god.” Virgil felt the onset of deadline panic setting in, even though it wasn’t even his own deadline. “What do you mean, you haven’t started?”  

“Oh, it’s fine.” Logan waved his concern away. “It’s only three pages, I can do it no problem by then.” 

“But, like, research? Drafts?” 

“No, I already know it all. I can find sources to back me up easily. Trust me, I know what I can and can’t get away with when writing a paper. I only need to worry about drafts and research when it’s five pages or more. Anything less than that I can write the day it’s due and still get an A.” Logan spoke with an easy confidence that would be annoying in almost anyone else, but that somehow couldn’t quite manage to put Virgil off. Not after the absolute delight Logan had shown over the last half hour as he learned from Virgil. 

“If you say so. I still hate that,” Virgil told him. 

“That is what most people say when they learn about my homework methods.” Logan nodded. “Should we gather up our companions—oh.” His eyes widened as he looked over Virgil’s shoulder. “Um.” 

Virgil turned to look too. “Wow. Uh.” 

Remus and Janus were—well, to put it bluntly, they were making out. Much more extensively than was probably appropriate, given the public setting. Remus had Janus backed against a wall, with their legs around his waist as he held them up and kissed them, sloppy and desperate and gleeful, like he was on a mission to map and memorize the shape of their mouth. Janus was clinging to him tightly and kissing back like they’d never get another chance to. 

“Um,” Logan repeated again, frantically looking anywhere but at their friends. “Well. That is. Something.” 

Virgil laughed a little, also looking away. “Yeah… I mean. I guess now our question about dating is maybe answered?” 

“I hope so,” Logan said fervently. “However, just at this moment, I feel a strong inclination to, ah, pretend I don’t know either of them.” He chuckled, but Virgil got the distinct sense he was only half joking. 

Virgil snickered. “I mean, I feel like they’d deserve it at this point if we deserted them. Want to head back to campus together?” 

Logan perked up. “Really?” 

“Sure, dude. You seem pretty cool.” Virgil offered an awkward fistbump, and after staring wide-eyed at it for a brief second, Logan returned it. 

“You seem cool as well,” he said. “Shall we?” 

“Let’s do it.” Virgil got to his feet and followed Logan to the bus stop.

Virgil wasn’t normally one to get his hopes up, but he hoped this Logan guy would stick around for a while. He seemed like exactly the sort of person Virgil could have an amazing friendship with.

Taglist: @fivehargreeves05 

[linkfms]

☠️    *   what  is  up,  party  people  !    i’m  jojo  (  she/her  ),  23,  and  in  the  pst  timezone.    it’s  been  a  while  since  i’ve  been  in  a  group  so...  pls  bear  with  me.    anyway,  under  the  cut  you’ll  find  more  info  on  resident  emo  boy:  link  !   i’m  so  excited  to  write  with  u  all,  and,  if  u  ever  want  to  plot  give  this  a  lil’  like  or  send  an  im  over  @  yea right#4256  !

lincoln  “link”  seong  was  spotted  in  the  fashion  district  adorning  prada  combat  boots,  with  some  airpod  pros  on.    they’re  most  likely  listening  to  when  you  were  young  by  the  killers.   you  may  know  them  as  @hyperlink  or  as  that   jeon  jungkook  lookalike.    their  twenty - fourth  birthday  just  passed.    while  living  in   tribeca,   they’ve  gained  a  bit  of  a  reputation.    they’re  known  to  be  erratic  but  on  the  other  hand   vehement.    wonder  if  they’ll  be  the  next  person  to  hit  the  headlines.   (  cis male  &   he/him  )

↳     THE  BASICS:    STATISTICS.

full  name:   seong  hyunjae  (  성  현재  )    /    lincoln  seong.

nickname:  link,  and  will  probably  only  answer  to  link  !

age  &  date  of  birth:   24  &  november  21,  1996.

hometown:   born  in  busan,  south  korea,  but  moved  to  jefferson,  connecticut  in  2006.

current  location:   tribeca,  new  york.

education:  completed  high  school  and  attempted  first  semester  of  university,  but  decided  to  pursue  music  instead.

occupation:   drummer  for  indie/alternative  rock  band,  my  time  (  sound  is  similar  to  bands  like  the  killers,  the  1975,  and  paramore  ).   also  is  an  affiliate  with  an  esports  organization  !   doesn’t  play  competitively,  but  streams  and  creates  content  for  them  weekly.

sexual  orientation:   pansexual  &  panromantic.

gender  &  pronouns:   cisgender  male  &  he/him  pronouns.

↳     THE  BACKGROUND:   BIOGRAPHY.  (   tw:  mentions  of  alcoholism  &  abuse  )

seong  hyunjae  (  later  given  the  english  name  lincoln  seong...  thanks  linkin  park  !   )   was  born  in  the  heart  of  busan,  south  korea.    his  parents  married  at  the  age  of  21,  due  to  the  cultural  expectations  of  having  a  child  born  out  of  wedlock.    while  things  seemed  to  be  smooth  sailing  for  a  while,   the  couple  realized  the  real  struggles  of  adulthood.   financial  issues  came  into  play.   stress  from  working  multiple  jobs  every  single  day  took  a  toll  on  their  mental  health,  as  well  as  their  relationship  with  each  other.   link’s  mother  began  to  develop  an  alcohol  addiction,  and  her  abusive  behavior  came  following  after.   their  home  was  falling  apart,  with  four-year-old  link  falling  asleep  to  muffled  screaming  and  glass  being  thrown  on  the  next  room  over.   his  father  was  able  to  withstand  it  for  a  while,  but  he  drew  the  line  after  coming  home  from  work  to  see  large  cuts  on  the  side  of  his  son’s  thigh,  and  a  bruise  forming  across  his  cheek.   that  was  when  he  knew  his  wife  was  dangerous.    so,  one  night  when  lincoln’s  mother  as  at  work,  he  packed  his  belongings,  grabbed  link,  and  left  without  looking  back.

for  a  while,  it  was  just  the  two  of  them.    they  found  ways  to  make  it  work,  and  despite  the  fact  that  it  was  a  constant  struggle,  his  father  never  wanted  link  to  lose  his  childhood.    in  fact,  his  father  gave  him  everything  he  could  give   —   but  most  importantly,  as  cheesy  as  it  sounds,  his  unconditional  love  and  support.    as  someone  who  lost  his  own  parents  young,  he  made  sure  that  link  would  never  feel  like  he’s  being  deprived of  that,  ever.   they  created  this  tight-knight  bond  because  of  that,  which  can’t  ever  be  broken.   and  now,  link’s  fondest  memories  always  involved  spending  time  with  his  father.    one  favorite  memory  of  his  involved  morning  jam  sessions  after  breakfast.    link’s  father  was  previously  a  lead  guitarist  in  a  garage  band  with  a  few  of  his  high  school  friends,�� so  while  he  was  playing  riffs  on  his  electric  guitar,  eight-year-old  link  would  be  banging  the  coffee  table  with  plastic  straws.   

when  link  was  about  ten,  he  and  his  father  sold  all  of  their  belongings  and  moved  all  the  way  to  jefferson,  connecticut  for  a  job  offer  that  he  couldn’t  refuse.   fast  forward  a  few  years,  and  he’s  a  teenager  in  high  school.    growing  up  link  was  more  of  an  introvert,  and  would  spend  his  time  in  the  computer  lab  playing  video  games  or  browsing  in  online  forums.   he  was  a  regular  in  this  my  chemical  romance  forum  (  under  the  username  @hyperlink  ),  and  made  a  lot  of  his  lifelong  friends  over  there.    one  of  his  online  friends  jokingly  suggested  one  afternoon  that  they  should  start  a  band  over  their  nightly  skype  call,  and  while  it  was  initially  shrugged  off  as  dream  more  than  an  arm’s  reach  away,  my  time  was  born.    link  had  to  endlessly  plead  his  father  to  buy  him  a  secondhand  drum  kit  off  of  craigslist  for  christmas.   but  once  he  found  it  under  their  tree  that  year,  it  sparked  this  drive  in  him  to  learn  and  practice  nonstop. 

their  first  official  band  practice  happened  a  day  after  link’s  high  school  graduation  (  which  was  also  the  first  time  everyone  saw  each  other  in  person  !   ),  and  they  spent  that  entire  summer  making  music.   at  first,  link  only  thought  of  it  as  a  hobby...  since,  he  was  attending  his  first  year  of  university  that  fall.   but  after  playing  their  first  few  shows  and  making  all  these  memories,   he  couldn’t  keep  the  band  in  the  backburner.   he  dropped  out  not  too  long  after  to  pursue  his  music  career  full-time.   moved  out,  spent  the  next  few  months  working  long  shifts  at  the  local  amusement  park,  and  shared  one  two-bedroom  apartment  with  his  bandmates.    one  of  their  songs  went  viral  one  crazy  night,   and  the  next  thing  they  knew,  they  were  being  signed  into  a  record  label.   now  ?   they’re  one  of  the  biggest  alternative/indie  rock  bands  out  there  with  multiple  platinum  records,  sold  out  world  tours,  and  millions  of streams  each  year.   their  time  finally  came.

↳     THE  INSIDE  LOOK:    PERSONALITY.

link  definitely...  gets  babied  a  lot   (  by  his  bandmates  and  his  fans  ),   and  he  uses  that  to  his  advantage  :]   because  of  that  he  gets  away  with   a  lot  of  things,  but  it’s  usually  with  things  that  are  small  like  eating  the  last  slice  of  pizza  and  it  would  be  justified  with  “  no  he  is  a  growing  BOY  he  NEEDS  it  !  ”

that  being  said,  he  eats  nonstop.   the  guy  carries  a  sandwich  bag  full  of  cheerios  wherever  he  goes.   his  friends  know  that  if  they  can’t  finish  eating  something,  they  can  always  donate  it  to  link  for  a  good  cause.

when  my  chemical  romance  announced  their  reunion  tour  in  2019,  he  threw  his  phone  across  the  room  and  cried.   my  chemical  romance  (  with  green  day  and  linkin  park  as  a  close  second  !  )   are  his  all-time  favorite  bands,  and  a  lot  of  my  time’s  sound  is  heavily  inspired  by  them.

when  i  tell  u  that  this  man  is  so  chill,  i  mean  it.   like  things  could  LITERALLY  be  on  fire  and  he’d  be  like   “  just  throw  some  water  on  it  it’ll  be  fine  😎  ” ...  he’s  not  the  type  to  worry  about  things,  and  is  more  of  a  go  with  the  flow  type  of  person.   he  doesn’t  even  need  to  be  zooted  to  be  like  this.   KJFGDG

being  in  the  band  and  a  part  of  the  entertainment  industry  caused  a  small  shift  in  his  personality.   maybe  he  just  blossomed  ?   who  knows  !   but  because  he’s  been  exposed  to  the  rockstar  life,   he  was  able  to  open  up  more.   he’s  always  seeking  thrills,  big  or  small,  and  won’t  have  the  time  to  think  about  the  consequences  for  his  actions.  

because  the  my  chemical  romance  forum  that  was  once  his  second  home  shut  down,   he’s  since  moved  on  to  reddit.   social  media  isn’t  really  his  thing  (  and  his  fans  always  get  mad  at  him  for  posting  a  selfie  once  a  month  then  dipping  ),  but  catch  him  on  subreddits  making  comments  or  starting  fights  for  the  sheer  entertainment  of  proving  someone  wrong. 

this  might  sound  bad  but...  he  still  can’t  wrap  his  head  around  the  fact  that  he  isn’t  ?   financially  struggling  anymore  ?   even  if  he’s  already  bought  a  house  and  two  luxury  cars  for  his  dad,  he  still  gets  ticked  off  if  he  sees  something  small  like  an  APPLE   that  is  marked  a  dollar  and  a  few  cents  over  the  usual.   he  catches  himself  using  things  until  they’re  ABSOLUTELY  worn  out,  and  still  leeches  off  of  his  bandmates/friends  when  he  can.  <3   also,  if  something  is  broken,  he’ll  be  the  type  to  figure  it  out  and  fix  it  himself.

people...  don’t  exactly  remember  the  last  time  he’s  slept.   it  could  be  the  insomnia   (   it’s  definitely  insomnia,  thx  childhood   trauma  !   )  but  it’s  almost  gotten  to  the  point  where  he’s  afraid  to  fall  asleep  on  his  own.   he’ll  always  try  to  find  ways  to  sleep  in  someone’s  company,  even  if  it’s  just  him  crashing  on  a  couch  while  someone  is  watching  tv  right  there.   if  he’s  alone  though,  he’ll  always  try  to  find  ways  to  distract  himself  like  stream  for  10  hours  straight.

speaking  of  trauma...  he’s  also  scared  of  relationships.  after  witnessing  the  way  his  mother  treated  his  father,  he’s  cautious  of  history  repeating  itself...  but  with  him.  so  whenever  he  catches  himself  even  falling  for  just  a  little,  he  dips.

his  life  revolves  around  the  4  m’s:   marvel  movies,  minecraft,  music,  and  my  chemical  romance.   that’s  it.

a  link  😏   to  his  pinterest  !   also,  i  don’t  have  any  wcs,  but  if  we  plot,  i  promise  i’ll  use  my  big  brain  to  brainstorm  something  with  u.  <3

[abanomath]

DC’s Tone Deafness

So I don’t really like ranting or being negative, but DC Universe recently released an article to celebrate pride month about the Top 5 canon and non-canon LGBTQA+ relationships in Young Justice.

And the tone deafness is just off the charts. Like most of the world, I’m not American so I needed someone to screen-cap the actual article for me. I’m going to organize my thoughts and go down below.

General

For one, its pretty obvious the writer didn’t look at the source material. This article sounds like it was written by someone filled in on the basics and told to write a good PR article for DC.

There are a lot of little details in the story, such as when the writer claims that they “showcased even more LGBTQA+ protagonists in season 3″ implying they had previously, which they hadn’t. One character was implied to be bisexual in the comics, never on screen, but more on that below. Season 3 was the first LGBTQA+ rep for the show.

Also its always a bit tone deaf when in an article celebrating LGBTQA+ and diversity in your show, that you have a list of 5 “ships”, of which only ONE is actually a couple in canon. Not only did they need to resort to non-canon ones, they included people that can’t be called a “ship” or couple.

1. Kaldur/Wyynde

This is the only actual LGBTQA+ couple on the list that is canon in the show, and I liked them. But I can’t deny that Kaldur who was a main cast member for the past two season’s had a vastly reduced role (compared to straight cis white characters like Dick and Conner). He was basically written out of the first half of the season, and then his relationship was really present for 1.5 - 2 episodes max. This in a season that was marked with excessive attention given to heterosexual relationships (like seriously, basically every character was in some form of relationship on-screen). The one healthy LGBTQA relationship got less attention than Black Lightning and Dr. Jace’s romance, something that ultimately went nowhere, Dick/Barbara, even Megan/Conner when Megan was also essentially written out of the season.

2. Marie Logan and Rita Farr

They really dug deep for this “ship”. Ironically, they start this by talking about the scene in Young Justice #25, when Queen B’s powers work on Garfield’s mother. This was the first implication her being bisexual. And of course, she also dies in this scene, so starting off with a “Bury your gays” trope where Marie’s queerness literally got her killed and orphaned her son.

There isn’t much more to say about this ship, because it literally doesn’t exist. The shipping community for this is so small you have to go digging deep into tags to find even hints of it. The article even basically says this, posing the ship as a question. As being interesting. (Does it count as Bury Your Gays when both woman are dead before their relationship is even hinted at?)

In other words this article about celebrating LGBTQA ships literally had to try and CREATE A SHIP to reach 5 ships. Despite the fact there are plenty of LGBTQ fanon ships (Birdflash being the most prominent one left off the list). It really hits at the thing I said above, this is a “write us a good PR article with the barest amount of effort put into it” situation.

3. Harper Row and Halo

Oh boy don’t get me started on this. There are so many problems with how they did Halo this season, she is basically tone deaf personified. (For the purpose of this rant, I’ll be using the “she” pronouns for Halo, because I have no choice but to assume they are her preference, unless the show purposely spent the entire season mis-gendering her, but I don’t think her characterization really supports that she prefers “her/she”).

I’ve had a problem with Halo from the start, because she is basically an attempt for the writers to shallowly include representation without having to actually deal with it. She is Muslim representation, but not actually Muslim (as she confirms on the show). She wears the Hijab because she feels like it. She is genderqueer, but they never once talk about her pronouns. She refers to herself as “not feeling like a boy or a girl” and constantly refers to herself in the third person, but everyone uses “she/her” pronouns without asking her. They even have a scene where she informs them she is genderqueer, and its never brought up again without asking any actual follow up questions or awareness. They also infantalize and treat her as a little girl.

Additionally, she falls into one of my greatest pet peeves - she is genderqueer but for fantasy-scifi reasons. For those that follow genderqueer or transgender characters in media, this is a very common trope. Essentially, the trope is when someones gender identity is caused by/determined from otherworldly experiences.

This trope bugs me because it completely undermines the point of representation. Representation in media is supposed to show the audience that these are natural human experiences and that people like this exist and are normal. But the trope ensures that the experiences are not normal human experiences.

(and don’t even get me started on the fact that this show has made New Genesis tech gendered before, with Sphere. And even gender the bioship in the same season they pull this for Halo).

Lastly, she also falls within the “promiscuous bisexual” trope, with the very kiss this article praises as THE FIRST LGBT KISS ON SCREEN for the show. This is a problematic trope that DC seems to love. Basically, this scene has Halo cheating on her boyfriend with another young classmate, engaging in two kisses with her.

Now I’m not going to say that all LGBTQA+ relationships need to be wholesome one true loves. Problematic behaviour like Halo and Harper’s is a story telling tool. But the fact that the LGBTQA+ was told going into the season there would be LGBT rep so they should watch, and this was the first rep we got 18 episodes into the season? It felt a bit like a slap in the face. They could’ve had her break up with Brion beforehand, or any number of different ways that would even keep the scene in tact.

And the relationship doesn’t really go anywhere anyways. Harper doesn’t really remain part of the season going forward, Halo and her boyfriend continue their relationship after it was revealed until the end of the season.

This is ultimately my problem with Halo. There are a few tropes that basically are summed up as “writers put all their diversity into one character” which is basically what Halo is. Each of these qualities, from faith to gender identity to sexual orientation could’ve been a fleshed out character arc (oh! I forgot to mention she also falls into the “My gender identity isn’t cis, so my sexual orientation is also bi/pan/gay” trope). Instead all the diverse qualities of Halo are addressed shallowly as the show-runners pat themselves on the back.

4. Bluepulse

I’ve ranted a lot so I’m not going to go crazy on this point. You can probably find tons of posts about the drama between Bluepulse Shippers and the show, which again makes their inclusion kind of tone-deaf. Bluepulse shippers have been called disgusting by the fandom for the three year age gap, an age gap that was never confirmed on screen and you had to go digging in Greg’s personal message board to know (resulting in many people shipping them not knowing their ages at all).

In addition, the showrunners made it clear they did not like this ship over the several years the show has been off the air. And in Season 3 they give Jaime a girlfriend….who is a lesbian in the comics. Now Traci and Jaime did date in the comics before she came out, and this is another Earth. But when the sole purpose of their relationship being on screen was to tell the audience that bluepulse wasn’t happening, choosing a lesbian character to play the cis straight girlfriend is a bit of a slap in the face. again.

5. Bart Allen and Eduardo

Queerbaiting, nuff said.

For those not in the know, Ed is a character introduced as a runaway in Season 2, but he doesn’t really interact with Bart until mid-season 3. There is an episode where a group of heroes go to a carnival, and Ed and Bart appear to be on a date. They are in a group with all couples, except for Virgil. Virgil laments being the only person there without a significant other, implying that Bart and Ed are together. Additionally, Bart and Ed do everything that the other couples do together. It was pretty heavy-handed that the couples were there on dates.

And fans liked this! Even if Bluepulse wasn’t happening, Bart may still be bisexual or gay. This was made worse by Greg retweeting and liking Ed/Bart content, and not giving a straight answer on whether they were dating.

Which obviously, creates the expectation among LGBTQA+ fans that they will get together. They don’t. And later at a convention, one of the main writers (not Greg) said something like “its funny how the fans see relationships between characters differently from our intent” when asked a question about them. Essentially confirming that yeah, they didn’t have any actual content for them planned anyway. Though they did have an addendum that they may build on the fan reception/view of the relationship in the future (basically saying, maybe they’ll be canon).

As much as I’d like to be optimistic that they actually will get together and we’ll get a LGBTQ relationship that is in the spotlight for once, I’m not. I’ll be happy to be proved wrong on this point.

And that was my TEDtalk about how tone-deaf DC patting themselves on the back for LGBTQA+ content in Young Justice is. Especially when other animated shows do so much better with fewer episodes and screen time.

[valensfm]

❛                     WHAT  A  WICKED  GAME  TO  PLAY  .

okay  so  like  –  listen  ,,  i  am  an  apogeehq  stan  first  &  human  being  second  .  that  being  said  ,  hello  !  i’m  cc  &  i’m  testing  out  valens  because  in  theory  ,  i  like  the  idea  of  him  .  anyway  :

( wong kunhang + twenty-one + muse 01 ) isn’t that valens lau over there? i heard he joined faction one after they got back to west ham. it’s funny, ‘cause they were only on the service trip because he helped organize the event. hopefully they fit in there – they’re virtuous, but also obstinate. oh, i’m sure they’ll be fine. 

───  𝙛𝙪𝙣𝙙𝙖𝙢𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙨

full  name  :  valens  lau

nickname(s) /  alias(es)  :  golden  boy  ,  

age  /  dob  :  twenty  one  /  september  14  ‘99

hometown  :  west  ham  ,  kansas

current  location :  new  ham

ethnicity :  chinese  (  macaunese  )

nationality  :  american

gender  :  cis  male

pronouns  :  he  /  him

orientation  :  bisexual  ,  biromantic

religion :  atheistic

faction : one

muse # : one

label  :  golden  boy  

tropes  :  good  is  not  soft  ,  i  was  just  passing  through  ,  

face  claim  :  wong  kun  hang  /  hendery

language(s)  spoken  :  english

speech :  very  well  spoken  ,  polite  &  overall  charming  .  he’s  got  a  way  with  words  that  makes  people  just  want  to  listen  to  him ,  whether  he’s  talking  about  the  clean  up  trip  out  of  town  or  what  he  wants  to  eat  for  dinner  .  either  way  ,  he’s  got  a  certain  charm  about  him  &  it’s  unknown  where  it  comes  from  (  since  both  of  his  parents  are  ,  how  you  say  ,  not  the  most  well  spoken  people  )  .

hair  :  dark  brown  –  almost  black  ,  but  he  keeps  it  natural  without  styling  it  too  much  .  it  falls  naturally  in  curls  ,  but  it’ll  very  quickly  will  straighten  itself  out  &  nobody  knows  how  it  happen  .  either  way  ,  he  gets  away  with  not  combing  it  or  styling  it  cause  he  sometimes  looks  like  a  prince  .

eyes :  big  ,  brown  puppy  eyes  that  honestly  –  showcase  every  single  emotion  he  has  .  it’s  because  of  them  that  he  can’t  hide  any  of  his  feelings  ,  since  they  really  are  the  windows  to  the  soul  .

height  :  five  feet  ,  eleven  inches

build  :  more  lean  than  broad  ,  but  still  athletic  from  years  of  playing  soccer  –  played  collegiately  as  well  .

tattoos  :  none  .

piercings :  none  .

scars  :  a  small  ,  barely  visible  scar  on  the  pad  of  his  right  thumb  .

clothing  style  :  very  boring  ,  comfort  over  style  ,  basically  .  he  cleans  up  well  when  he  has  to  ,  but  prefers  sweatpants  (  grey  ,  adidas  ,  track  pants  )  paired  with  whatever  shirt  he  grabs  first  in  the  morning  .  as  leader  ,  he’s  tried  to  dress  better  (  i  .  e  .  khakis  ,  button  ups  ,  whatever  )  but  will  still  often  be  found  around  town  looking  like  the  college  jock  who  will  walk  you  home  at  night  .

usual  expression  :  awestruck  puppy  who  can’t  quite  believe  the  world  he  lives  in  .  he’s  endearing  ,  with  a  face  that  tells  people  they  can  approach  because  he  just  looks  like  the  kind  of  guy  that’ll  listen  &  help  you  out  as  best  as  he  can  .

distinguishing  characteristics  :  high  cheekbones  ,  a  nose  that  scrunches  up  whenever  he  laughs  .

───  𝙧𝙪𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨

exterior   :   wants  to  make  up  for  everything  his  parents  did  in  their  lives  –  valens  is  pure  good  .  he  is  sweetness  &  morality  mixed  up  into  a  child  that  should’ve  been  wicked  ,  but  he’s  looked  evil  in  the  eye  ,  shook  hands  with  unfortunate  circumstance  &  still  chose  to  be  good  .  it’s  been  seen  in  west  ham  ,  valens  helping  the  old  women  cross  the  street  &  laughing  at  their  stories  ,  letting  them  fix  his  hair  &  collars  before  he  climbs  a  tree  to  retrieve  a  stubborn  cat  .  that  lau  boy  is  good  ,  you’ve  heard  before  .  he  walks  his  friends  home  in  the  dark  &  gets  his  fists  bloody  for  the  underdog  –  the  town  of  west  ham  thinks  of  good  &  they  think  of  valens  lau  ,  golden  boy  who  shows  up  early  to  church  to  help  open  doors  &  wipe  down  pews  .  a  people  person  ,  has  a  natural  gift  for  making  everyone  feel  loved  &  special  .

i  .  e  .  cool  jock  that’s  friends  with  everyone  ,  thor  odinson  in  thor  :  ragnorak  ,  good  guy  with  a  heart  of  gold  ,  golden  retriever  but  make  it  boy  ,  boys  will  be  boys  but  wholesome  version  .

interior   :   wrangles  with  a  lot  of  pressure  &  weight  –  because  he  knows  what’s  expected  of  him  .  one  slip  up  ,  &  he’s  just  the  lau  boy  ,  what  everyone  expected  .  but  he’s  not  ,  he’s  worked  hard  to  shed  what  people  think  of  him  &  embrace  something  else  .  he  is  good  above  all  else  ,  to  the  point  that  he  puts  everybody  else  before  himself  (  &  those  closest  to  him  )  –  he  loses  himself  in   making  sure  that  everyone  else  is  okay  &  taken  care  of  ,  nights  where  he  doesn’t  sleep  to  make  sure  everyone  has  a  locker  dec  ,  or  days  where  he  forgets  to  drink  water  because  he’s  babying  his  team  .  slow  to  anger  or  frustration  ,  he  rarely  shows  signs  of  wear  &  tear  ,  opting  to  keep  all  of  his  negative  emotions  in  anyway  to  avoid  worrying  everyone  else  .

i  .  e  .  “my  people  come  first  ,  everyone  else  before  me”  ,  self  -  sacrificial  ,  dangerously  loyal  &  moral  ,  self  sacrificial  atlas  –  holding  the  weight  of  the  world  solely  on  his  own  shoulders

───  𝙘𝙝𝙧𝙤𝙣𝙞𝙘𝙡𝙚

TRIGGER  WARNINGS  :  tbd

the  lau  family  lives  on  the  outskirts  of  west  ham  –  a  small  house  that  can  be  more  considered  shack  than  home  .  nobody’s  around  when  valens  is  born  ,  his  cry  loud  enough  to  send  a  flock  of  ravens  flying  from  the  overgrown  lawn  .  innocent  life  ,  baby  blessed  by  goodness  –  he  doesn’t  know  how  corrupt  his  parents  are  or  how  hard  they’ve  had  to  fight  to  have  the  life  they  have  .  the  things  they’ve  done  &  the  people  they’ve  wronged  is  one  long  list  that’s  unknowingly  passed  down  to  a  child  that  the  townspeople  look  down  on  .  they  turn  their  noses  up  at  a  baby  born  in  the  dirt  &  expect  the  worst  from  him  –  if  he’s  anything  like  his  parents  ,  they’d  better  lock  their  doors  &  keep  their  purses  close  ,  the  lau  family  is  rotten  –  it  only  makes  sense  that  their  only  child  will  be  as  well  .

but  he  grows  wild  &  good  ,  a  sunflower  trapped  in  a  field  of  weeds  .  valens  comes  to  church  on  his  own  ,  arrives  at  school  in  rags  &  at  first  ,  the  townspeople  tell  their  children  to  stay  away  from  the  lau  boy  .  but  he  does  things  that  a  boy  like  him  shouldn’t  do  –  he  holds  hands  with  the  new  widow  her  first  sunday  back  at  church  ,  he  wipes  her  tears  &  lets  her  hold  him  .  he  dives  into  the  street  to  pull  back  a  wandering  toddler  ,  saving  her  life  &  disappearing  before  her  parents  can  thank  him  .  they  know  he’s  hungry  ,  but  gives  the  sandwich  he  got  from  wiping  down  counters  at  the  diner  to  the  old  man  who  lost  his  son  .  valens  is  good  –  the  whispers  start  ,  but  he  is  blind  to  them  as  he  is  blind  to  parents  who  steal  for  dinner  .

eventually  ,  school  gets  easy  for  him  .  his  teacher  gets  him  into  soccer  &  pays  all  his  fees  so  he  can  play  with  the  other  boys  ,  &  he  has  his  first  kiss  in  third  grade  with  a  girl  who  sits  next  to  him  during  reading  .  valens  gains  popularity  simply  for  being  good  –  he’s  friends  with  everyone  ,  the  richest  ,  the  poorest  ,  nobody  ever  sits  alone  if  he’s  there  .  for  some  reason  ,  people  tend  to  like  that  on  him  ,  but  he  doesn’t  do  it  because  he�� wants  people  to  like  him  ,  he  does  it  because  he  knows  what  it’s  like  –  going  hungry  ,  sitting  alone  ,  everyone’s  eyes  on  him  for  something  he  didn’t  do  .  what  a  shitty  feeling  ,  he  hopes  nobody  else  has  to  suffer  the  way  he  has  .

a  full  ride  to  west  ham  on  a  soccer  scholarship  ,  valens  makes  sure  to  thank  his  second  grade  teacher  for  getting  him  in  in  the  first  place  .  by  the  time  he’s  eighteen  ,  he’s  the  golden  boy  around  town  ,  known  for  working  in  the  greenhouses  &  bringing  flowers  to  the  elderly  women  who  sit  in  the  square  on  saturday  mornings  .  the  lau  boy  is  different  from  his  parents  –  he’s  kind  &  good  ;  the  kind  of  boy  people  wish  their  daughters  would  marry  &  the  good  kind  of  hero  that  is  humble  enough  to  deny  the  accusations  .

he  wins  sga  president  for  his  senior  year  ,  thanks  to  both  his  charm  &  influence  on  the  student  body  .  college  has  been  a  ride  for  him  as  he  shoulders  all  the  weight  on  his  shoulders  to  pretend  that  everything  is  peachy  ,  ignoring  any  cracks  that  might  be  starting  to  form  in  his  perfect  marble  form  .  he  organizes  the  trip  ,  invites  as  many  people  as  he  can  &  expects  it  to  go  business  as  usual  ,  only  for  things  to  of  course  go  horribly  wrong  .

people  look  to  him  for  leadership  ,  as  they  should  –  he’s  the  only  one  around  who  technically  ran  for  president  &  won  ,  but  it’s  barely  starting  &  he  can  feel  the  cracks  starting  to  get  bigger  .  there’s  a  lot  of  concern  that  he  has  in  his  heart  for  everyone  ,  not  just  the  people  who’ve  fallen  under  his  command  .  at  the  end  of  the  day  ,  valens  want  everyone  alive  ,  happy  &  thriving  &  he’ll  do  almost  anything  to  ensure  it  .

[awkwardlittlepringle]

Queer ‘n Crazy

CHAPTER 8

Hello, fellow fanders! This is chapter eight of Queer 'n Crazy, I wrote it in one go, so sorry if it's a bit rushed. Be sure to check the tags, I don’t want anyone to get hurt!

Also, whenever you feel sad, imagine a LAMP cuddle pile with a touch-starved Patton in the center. Platonic or Romantic. It works, or at least it makes me feel like there's beauty in the world. :) The summary is at the bottom just in case you can’t read it!

Previous Chapter / Next Chapter

WARNINGS: Contains mentions of a bad mental state, references to and mentions of an abusive mother/abusive parents, self deprecating thoughts, eating disorders, medication, anxiety, self conciousness, depression, lack of sleep, swearnig, repression and hiding emotions. Let me know if there are any others, please!

Thanks for reading this!

...................

"Are you sure this is the place?"

Logan glanced down at the flyer in his hand, before nodding. "Yes, I believe so. Meeting is held in the sports hall, starts at 3:15. We seem to be in the right place." The two looked up at the rusty metal sign that was set above the entrance, and sure enough, it was emblazoned with the words Sports Hall.

Logan glanced up and down the silent foyer. "We seem to be the only ones here." he turned to Virgil. "Do you think we're early?" Virgil bit his lip, his fingers starting to toy with his hoodie strings. "I dunno, are you sure we've got the date right?" "Yes, we have, Virgil." Logan sighed, exasperated. Virgil froze at his tone, instantly curling in on himself. He stayed silent instead of replying. Logan hadn't seemed to notice his reaction. Or maybe he did and doesn't care. At that moment, the foyer door opened.

"Seriously?! Cavetown is superior. You cannot change my mind." Virgil turned his eyes to the noise, grateful for a distraction.

The girl who'd spoken was short and round, with pale skin and yellowing teeth. Her hair hung limp in little clumps, and she was wearing a black oversized hoodie. Accompanying her was a taller, skinnier girl, with thinning brown hair. The taller girl scoffed.

"Nuh-uh. Twenty one Pilots is better." "You're just in denial." "I'm telling the truth, you heathen." "Your truth is a lie!" Something in Virgil's chest lightened at the mention of one of his favourite bands, but his jaw felt like it was wired shut. They were probably in Lyra, eating disorders. Virgil couldn't understand how. He was a stress-eater. He was probably staring at them - he should stop staring at them. God, I'm such a weirdo.

Virgil pulled his hood up and shoved his hands in his pockets, his stomach tightening. They probably thought he was some kind of recluse. He could feel Logan's gaze on him, but he didn't look at him. "Cavetown's lyrics have meaning! I can't say the same for ToP." "Cavetown's lyrics are bullshit compared to Twenty One Pilots'. Do you know how many lives they've saved!" "Lives saved doesn't equal quality." "One of their taglines is stay alive, for god's sake!" "I don't think God would like Twenty One Pilots." "Because they're calling him out for the disorders he's inflicted on us." The shorter girl scoffed. "Bullcrap. What do you guys think?"

Virgil didn't respond, and Logan looked down at him.

"Uh, Virgil?" Virgil jumped, turning to Logan. A concerned expression filled his field of vision. Oh god, he's worried. I can't give anyone a moment of peace, can I. I guess mum was right about that one.

"The girl's asked you a question?" "Are you assuming my gender?" said the shorter girl with a exaggerated expression. Virgil stifled a laugh, a little bit of panic fading from his eyes. Logan however, looked at the two, baffled.

"Sorry, are those not your preferred pronouns?" "No, no, they are. Sash's just joking." The taller girl looked over at Virgil, who was now surveying the two with interest.

"Do you listen to ToP or Cavetown?"

Virgil nodded. "Which one?" "Um, Twenty One Pilots." The shorter girl pouted. "I've listened to a bit of Cavetown too, though."

"Aha! So tell us, dear emo - wait are you emo?" Virgil glanced between to two, confused. "Uh, I guess?" "Alright. So tell us, dear emo, which one is better?" "Hey, you can't ask him! He listens to your stupid Pilots more!" "Well you can't expect to find someone who listens to then equally-" "I think I can, thank you very much!"

Logan shot a look at Virgil, who returned it, and the two redirected their attention to the bickering pair.

"Well anyway, which one's better?" Virgil started, his throat turning dry. Whatever he said, he'd probably offend one of them, so...

"Um, I like ToP better-" "Ha!" "-but Cavetown's valid too." The taller girl pouted, her eyebrows scrunching up. "Well shit. I thought I'd won that." "HAHA!!!!!!!!!!! ROBBIE AIN'T GOING DOWN THAT EASILY!!!!!!!!!!!" "Isn't his name Robin?"

A silence overtook the group, all of whom stared at the tie-clad boy. Logan looked at the three, confused. "Are you guys okay-" "I"VE FOUND ANOTHER ONE!!!!!!!!!" The shorter girl screeched, throwing her hand up in the air. Virgil flinched away from the noise, but he found himself smiling none-the-less.

"What in the name of Rose Quartz is going on out here?" Virgil's heart jumped into his throat and he froze like a deer in the headlights. "Oh, you must be here for gay club!" Gay club?  

Virgil turned around, confused. A flicker of recognition ran through him when he saw the grinning face peering around the door, before his stressed brain made the connection. Thomas.

"Hey, aren't you that kid from the orientation?" Virgil nodded stiffly, before attempting to crack a smile. Thomas smiled, walking toward them with a clear bounce in his step.

"I'm Thomas, president of Gay Club." "It's LGBT club, Thomathy." Virgil glanced at the door again to see a ...person, probably male, but they were dressed andro. They glanced at the four of them smiling. "You guys are at the wrong door, but we can make an exception."

Thomas started bouncing on his heels, and clapping. "Oh goodie! Right this way, my rainbow friends!"

Logan straightened his tie, before following Thomas, Virgil and the girls in tow. Thomas gave them a basic run-down of the club as they walked. "We're an LGBT club, obviously. We don't really do stuff, we just meet up and be gay." "Define what you mean by "be gay"."

"Well, we do have a little clique in here that like to call themselves the "matchmakers", but they'll lay off you if you tell them to. We also set people up in straight seeming relationships if they want us to, exclusionists are not allowed. Otherwise it's mainly just gay jokes and sitting on chairs wrong. C'mon." Thomas lead them through a set of heavy blue doors, and suddenly they were inside the hall.

It was basically a gym. A gym that was packed with people -god, there were a lot of people. Across the pulled-out bleachers there was a large rainbow banner decorated with the words LGBT YOUTH in a striking gold. Students of all ages, from 12 to 19 were scattered across the place, chatting. There were a few couples flirting, Virgil could even see a group of punks playing uno with a few other kids. Despite the clear differences in personality, everyone seemed to be getting along really well, and as far as Virgil could tell, there were no rivalries.

This did ease Virgil's tension a little, although he still stuck close to Logan. Maybe he should ask about increasing his dosage.

"Oi, Talyn! We've got some more newbies!" The group followed Thomas to a large table in the center of the room, behind which sat a person with flaming blue-dyed hair. She looked at Thomas grinning, before shifting her gaze to the four following him.

"Hiya! My name's Talyn. They/Them." Virgil smiled at them, nodding. "Just put your name down here, along with your contact details. If you don't want to add your number, that's fine. Email will do. And if you really don't want us to contact you, that's cool too."

Virgil and Logan signed their names, followed by the girls. Virgil was ready to book it to a corner, but Logan waited. Once the girls were done signing, he spoke up.

"May I know your names?" The girls looked up, pleasently surprised. "Oh! I'm Kate, and this is Sasha." "Generic names, we know." Logan smiled. "I'm Logan. I hope to see you around." "'m Virgil." said Virgil, putting down his hood and smiling. "Nice to meet you."

"So what are you guys." Logan's brow crinkled with confusion, something which looked adorable on him.

"I beg your pardon?" "She means what about you is not straight or cis?" "Oh. I'm asexual and homoromantic." "Bi." "Cool!"

"Specs!" Virgil snickered as Logan sighed. "Well, it was nice to meet you two." He turned around. "Hello, Roman. Fancy seeing you here." Roman scoffed, sauntering toward them with Patton in tow. "Geez, Logan. Is that your standerd greeting? Ya gotta mix it up a little!" "What do you mean by mixing-" Roman cut him off with a sigh. "You're hopeless."

"Ro, you might wanna turn down the sarcasm a little. Hey, Virgil." "Hey, Pat." Virgil frowned, taking in Patton's appearance. He was wearing a grey hoodie, and his skin was pale and ashen. Despite the fact Virgil had seen him a few days ago, his seemed considerably more tired, bags visible through his glasses. His hair was greasy, and he had his arms wrapped around his stomach, slouching. Even his smile seemed half-hearted.

"Are you alright, Patton?" said Virgil cocking his head. He felt an undescribable urge to hug the shorter male, but he resisted. Patton's expression changed quickly, his cheeks quivering as he tried to force a smile onto his face. "I'm all good, Virg! Just feeling a little down!" Yeah, he's not okay.

Instead of saying this out loud, Virgil cocked his head to the side. "Patton, you do realise you're talking to someone who's been in a bad mental state before, right?" Patton sighed, his shoulders sinking even lower. "Yeah, I know. It's not too bad, I promise." "It's all good. We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to." Virgil glanced over at Roman and Logan, who were discussing Roman's latest hairstyle.

His bangs were swooped out of his face and the tips were dyed a dark red, something that constrasted against his dark hair dramatically. His expression, however, did not match his hairstyle at all.

"Whaddaya mean you don't like it." whined Roman, pouted. Logan sighed. Is that all he does around this guy? "You asked for my opinion, Roman. I personally, do not like it. That is not to say it looks bad." Roman's pout grew impossibly larger, and he turned to Virgil.

"What about you, Emo Nightmare?" Virgil surveyed Roman's hair with interest.

"You dyed it yourself, didn't you." Roman shot him a look, surprised. "How could you tell?" "A proper stylist would have done it from the roots," Virgil mused, a smile gracing his features. "But for a first timer, you've done pretty well. Nice colour choice, too. It suits you." Roman grinned ear-to-ear, before twirling around. "Yay!" he cheered. Virgil raised an eyebrow.

"Did you just twirl?" "Aha!" "You do realise we're not in a disney movie, right?" "Shut up!" he shrieked.

While the noise irritated Virgil at the time, he later decided Patton's small chuckle made it worth it.

....................

SUMMARY : Virgil and Logan go to LGBT club where they meet two girls from Lyra named Sasha and Kate. They end up meeting Roman and Patton inside, and Patton looks like he’s going through a rough time. ROMAN GOT A NEW HAIRSTYLE!!!!!!!!!! His tips are now dyed red. 

Tag List : 

@tired-babyboy 

@someone-idk-is-here

@true-chaotic-dumbass

@666frostwolf

[cruezins]

       ☣  ;  (  KIM TAEHYUNG  ,  24  ,  HE/HIM  )  coming up next on rebel radio is OPAUL by FREDDIE DREDD  .  this tune goes out to SIWON RYU  .  rumor has it they just rolled into town and are fightin’ for the GHOULS  .  they’re AFFABLE  ,  INQUISITIVE but also AIMLESS  ,  MERCURIAL so watch your backs out there  .  we wish them the best of luck here in our golded city of light  .  stay vigilant  ,  stay dirty rock ‘n rollers and we’ll catch you for the next one  .

𝐎𝐎𝐂  :  hello  !  i’m deni and i don’t know what editing is  .  i use she/her pronouns and live in the gmt+9 timezone  .   i’m terrible with ooc chats and half the time just want to vibe a connection or plot idea  ,  so please don’t hesitate to throw a half-formed thought at me because i swear i’ll do the same  .  my discord is gay fairy#6371  .  anyway  ,  here is siwon  ,  someone i’ve been work-shopping for a while  !  looking forward to writing with you  ♡

                     ☣  ;  𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐃𝐈𝐒𝐄 𝐈𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐋𝐀𝐁𝐘𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐇  .

cw  :  drug mentions  ;  stop me if you’ve heard this one before------

       his dad’s a junkie and he hasn’t seen his mom since some fatcats bought their restaurant for a steal a few years before  ,  but that’s the way of life for a lot of people in the underground  .  young  ,  bored  ,  and desperate to hear and smell anything that wasn’t the rottenness of his own childhood home  ,  siwon found himself on the streets more nights than not  ,  spray paint in one hand   ,  painting nights in greens and purples until reds and blues chased him away  .  makes his first steal before he can tie his shoes  .  creates alliances with the neighborhood kids  ,  sneaks around to watch how the haves live with their pretty  ,  pretty screens and their ugly  ,  ugly words  .  school isn’t anything special  ,  either  ,  and while siwon can’t remember shit that he reads from a page he can work with his hands  .  fast and efficient  ,  nimble fingers whether they’re flying across a keyboard or fucking around with some screws  .  you can make something of yourself  ,  some of his teachers tell him while others can’t stop bitching about homework or tardiness or the way he falls asleep in the middle of class  .  but what’s siwon supposed to make  ?  he and his ragtag group of weirdos he calls friends  .  when he gets older and nights get hungrier  ,  siwon learns to stop relying on the benevolence of neighbors and finds a job  ---  he’s fast  ,  after all  ,  with a sweet face and wide eyes  ,  makes a helluva getaway after years and years of running  .  

       thieving’s a natural grift  .  he’d been training for this his whole life  .  then he catches the eyes of a boss man who isn’t nearly as mad as he should be catching some kid with his wallet in his hands  .  courier comes next  ,  ferrying messages from a bunch of suits all over the city  .  siwon never opened the packages  ,  never second guesses the credits that start bloating his account  .  desperate  ,  he does what he’s told and does it well ------ and that’s the real kicker  ,  isn’t it  ?  that after a year and some-odd months of dedicated service they leave him high and dry with some bullshit he doesn’t have any involvement with  .  after years of running  ,  boys in blue finally catch him and he’s left to take the fall of some dumb fuckery  ,  man  ,  and he’s pissed  .  steaming in jail  ,  it’s a wonder some other gang didn’t get to him first  .  the longer he sat and talked with that ghoul member  ,  the more he grew to despise the rich  ,  the ones who left him to rot after all the shit he did for them  .  what was even the point anymore  ?  dog eat dog kind of bullshit  ,  no sense of loyalty or shit anywhere  .  the law and all that money was out to get him from the beginning and siwon had enough of it  .  a few months locked up but he learned and leaned and learned  ,  only able to get out on a technicality  .  the second he stepped back out into the sun  ,  siwon followed the map given to him and signed up for the ghouls  .  city of light be damned  .  the only lights he wants to see are flames eating this hellhole alive  .

                    ☣  ;  𝐈 𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓 𝐓𝐎 𝐓𝐎𝐔𝐂𝐇 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐋𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓  .

➤  full name.  ryu si-won ➤  date of birth.  january 29th ➤  hometown.  city of light ➤  gender.  cis male ➤  affiliation.  ghouls  ➤  primary occupation.  drug runner  ,  pickpocket  ➤  secondary occupation.  network manager at an internet cafe 

➤  sexual attraction.  pansexual ➤  romantic attraction.  panromantic ➤  character alignment.  chaotic neutral ➤  personality type.  enfp ➤  temperament.  sanguine ➤  wants.  power  ,  family

       stands around 5′11  .  broad shoulders  ,  slim hips  .  floppy  ,  messy hair and sun browned skin  .  half legs  .  a few pieces of silver in his ears and a small hoop on his bottom lip  .  dresses somewhere between a washed up rockstar  ,  your college weed dealer  ,  and a miami vice reject  .  style’s a whim with a closet’s chaotic mix of anything he thrifts or patches together  .  most of the time he’s sporting cuffed jeans  ,  vintage blouse  ,  a denim jacket or tweed blazer and thick ass boots  .  keeps all that hair back with a bandanna or a headband  ,  hair ties on his wrist  .  nothing in his closet’s technically new and he loves looking for a bargain steal —— or simply just a steal  .  likes colors just as much as he likes his neutrals  .  wears a black air filtration mask and fingerless gloves  .  considers his floral button-up shirts fancy material and his trousers cut off at the ankles  .  likes the smell of old leather and the breathing of fringe on a jacket  ,  the weight of heavy rings on his fingers and sunglasses swooped low on his nose  .  wears a monocle because he can’t be fucked with reading glasses  .   his hair’s been every color of the rainbow and he’s always changing it up thanks to temporary dye  .

                                    ☣  ;  𝐁𝐋𝐄𝐄𝐃 𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐎 𝐎𝐍𝐄  .

       hustles at arcade halls  ,  scarfs down ramen and burritos like they’re gonna disappear  ,  looks as comfortable in a dark  ,  dirty alley as he does standing under all those lights in the neon district  .  pockets full of candy and a lollipop between his lips  .  likes cheap beer and cigarettes  ,  fast talking and smooth smiles  .  gets up when the sun goes down  .  who knows if he ever gets a full night’s sleep  ,  but you can find him taking a nap just about anywhere  .  seems to live for the dark hours and stays busy as a bee  ,  at the internet cafe one moment and grabbing fried cheese sticks in the next before crossing the bridge to watch the street races and venturing to the tunnels for the fighting rings  .  complains about being broke but puts down bets faster than anyone  .  lives for the feeling of wind in his hair so the window of his top-floor one bedroom shit hole stays open all the time  .  feels the rain on his skin  ,  plays with matches  .   learned how to assemble a gun in less than sixty seconds and stays packing nowadays though he can’t really shoot for shit  .  spray paints boobs on the sides of government buildings and dicks on malls  .  looks like an angel under all those holographic lights  .

       rides a motorbike and his skateboard  .  can do crazy math in his head and spot fake bills with incredible accuracy  .  can barely stand to sit still  ,  always moving except when there’s a computer screen in front of him  .  gets addicted to things so easily it’s scary  ---  people  ,  food  ,  liquor  ,  feelings  .  craves that intimacy  ,  craves that closeness that’s always been denied to him  .  has a loud as fuck laugh and a love for sneaking into places where he doesn’t belong  .  catches extra cash on the side by fixing up broken-down machines and can figure his way around a motor with a bit of elbow grease  .  still sees his family  .  not as much as a good son would  ,  but he sends cash when he can and looks after his younger sister  ,  makes sure she stays well and clean  .  they don’t know half of what he’s gotten up to since he was let out of prison  ,  but they might have some idea --- after all  ,  who’d pay a crooked boy with a record as well as he seems to be  ?  when the sun starts to come up and he crashes into bed  ,  siwon stares out the window and thinks about how in another world  ,  or in another time he probably could’ve been something  .  could’ve made something great  .  but for now he’s just got a whole lot of anger  ,  raw like a fresh wound he can’t stop picking at  .  

                           ☣  ;  𝐈𝐒 𝐈𝐓 𝐑𝐀𝐈𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 𝐘𝐎𝐔  ?

➤  bonds.  my loyalty to my friends is unwavering  ;   i owe everything to my mentor --- a horrible person who’s rotting in jail somewhere  ;  i fleeced the wrong person and must work to ensure this individual never crosses paths with me  . ➤  flaws.  once i pick a goal  ,  i become obsessed with it to the detriment of everything else in my life  ;  when I see something valuable  ,  i can't think about anything but how to steal it  ;  i have a weakness for the vices of the city  . 

       he’s friendly  ,  but he doesn’t make friends easily --- the ones that he has made  ,  he’d do anything for  .  because that’s how he’s gotten this far  ,  right  ?  all those people who looked after him when others tried to stomp him out  .  he’s still close with his teen friends who threw a few grifts with him  ,  gaming buddies that he knows only through a screen  .  little escapes from all the other bullshit going on in the world  .  even though he isn’t a club guy  ,  he runs into more than a few faces on his rounds  .  maybe they’re bad influences or sweethearts who help that touch starved affliction that comes from living in a city so wired  .  on the flip side  ,  there’s some enemies --- competitors in the runner world  ,  antagonists he meets at the races or rings for whatever reason  (  insane bets make tempers run hot  ,  who knows when they’ll flare for good and siwon’s learning the hard way how to keep his mouth shut  )  .  he’s fixed up a few cars or weapons for people recently because he misses working with his hands  .  y’know  ,  making nice  .  then there’s people he’s caught in a crossfire with  ,  where they’ve met something nasty one too many times before over turf  ,  territory and clients  .  a newer face to the ghouls  ,  he’s bugged someone into mentoring him  ,  and gone on a few runs with someone he loves to call a coworker  .  

       eager to prove himself as more than a green kid with a keyboard and an eye for detail  ,  find him cutting deals and making trades in smokey barbecue houses  ,  hole-in-the wall ramen shops or by taco tents  .  a full bellied class of clients are happy clients in his opinion  ,  and siwon isn’t above not making deals with the other groups who’s names aren’t violent delights  .  speaking of which  ---  there are definitely some skeletons there he aims to confront  ,  some old demons to fight from that class of people that fucked him over  .  there’s an ex lover in there somewhere  ,  probably met in that pre-prison childhood phase when he mingled past class lines more  ( ~1.5-2 years ago )  .  someone he’s healthily fearful of for whatever reason  ,  and maybe a vendetta against the family that scammed his parents out of their business and basically sent his life spiraling  .  there’s someone who isn’t what they seem  --- he doesn’t know who they really are  ,  and maybe they don’t know who he is  ,  either  .  they’ll learn eventually  .  someone he’s protective over  ,  someone who protects him in ways he doesn’t even know  ,  and those he looks after because they grew up on the same side  .  desperate for connection  ,  desperate for a place  ,  he finds it all in heaven and hell  .

[spectraspecs-writes]

Brief Trans thingy from a (technically) trans person. Edit after the fact: I’m sorry, but this is not brief.

I talk with my mom about trans stuff a lot. She’s in her sixties and wants to understand simply because a.) it’s me and it’s important to me b.) it comes up in the news a bit and she gets confused. Recently she read an article about a non-binary person who now has a difficult relationship with Harry Potter. Harry Potter kept them from suicide. Which mom thought was very sweet and she liked reading the article. Where she struggled was with this person’s identity. The writer of the article was AMAB, but felt more aligned with femininity, took estrogen, and all around presented as a woman. But used they/them pronouns. Mom couldn’t understand why you would go to that much trouble to present as female but still go by they/them. “It just brings the problem up again that you’re not really a girl.”

Let me say this before going further. My mom is not transphobic. It might sound that way if you don’t know her and just hear her words but she’s not. She first looks at it biologically, because she’s autistic and a former nurse, that trans women can never be women. Meaning, trans women can never be female. But she’s not about to say they shouldn’t be in women’s spaces or call them men. On the level we all care about, she is accepting of trans people as the gender they say they are. Example: I talked about my friend Chris a lot before I actually brought him home. Chris is a demiboy - hi Chris, I know you’re here. And it took me a bit but I was able to fully refer to Chris by his preferred pronouns consistently. My parents therefore also referred to him with those pronouns, not knowing he ever had any others. When he came over, my mom noted that his voice is more... feminine. She didn’t even think trans, she thought “hmm. He must be smart to be in college when he hasn’t even gone through puberty yet.” Dad even asked mom in a whisper “is Chris short for a Christopher or Christina?” They were just confused. But that didn’t stop them from going “okay, Chris is a boy and that’s what matters. We are confused, but Chris is a boy.” Now that mom knows the score, she will often mention Chris in her questions as an example we both know. (Often in sexuality questions - for example, if Chris goes out with a girl is that straight or gay? It’s straight, but also queer. You can see why an Aspie would get confused. I had the same question a while ago.) To reiterate, Mom doesn’t care if a person is trans. They should go where they feel most comfortable. She might say things to me that are accidentally transphobic, but I tell her about it and she would never actually say them to another trans person. If she did, I would explain to the trans person in question and to my mom that it came out wrong and tell her why. We’re autistic. We much prefer to be told about our mistakes and how to correct them.

Anyway. She kept asking me “why go by they/them if you present as female?” And I told her “because she/her could hurt.” As a nurse she know how to respond to hurt. How do we stop the hurt? And in the case of this person, stopping the hurt is going by they/them. But mom wants to address the root of the hurt, not be palliative about it. She wants to know how to make she/her stop hurting, when it can’t. It’s not that kind of hurt. I ended up coming up with a metaphor, after all of my gender visualizations fell flat.

Let’s say you have a great job lined up in Kansas City. You have an apartment there, everything is set up for you to go to Kansas City. So you leave, going from St. Louis to Kansas City. On the way you stop off in Jefferson City. Jefferson City is great! You love Jefferson City! You have so much fun on your brief stop in Jefferson City. But you have to keep going, you have to see Kansas City, things are waiting for you there.

But when you get to Kansas City... you don’t like it. The job is fine, the apartment is fine, but you just... don’t like it. “Why don’t you like it?” She asks. I don’t know, that’s different from person to person. Maybe the aquarium isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Maybe the people are impolite. Maybe it just doesn’t vibe with you. But you can either stay unhappy in Kansas City, where things are certain. Which some people do for a while. Or you can start over in Jefferson City. Things will be new and uncertain, but you already know you love it. Sometimes being trans is going all the way to Kansas City and staying there. Sometimes you get to Jefferson City and decide screw Kansas City I’m going to stay here. And sometimes being trans is going all the way and deciding it’s not for you, so you go back. And maybe you don’t go all the way. Maybe you stop somewhere between Kansas City and Jefferson City, in some little nowhere town, because it makes you happy beyond words to be there. And the metaphor continues on. Cis people are happy to stay in St. Louis. Maybe they’ve explored elsewhere but found St. Louis is the best place for them. I’m genderfluid. St. Louis is fine but I like to get on a bus now and then.

The metaphor worked. But the question come up again. “So she’s happy in Jefferson City. Why does she care if other people know she’s there? She looks like she’s from Kansas City, why not say she is?” Still misgendering solely out of confusion. “Why use they/them if you’re happy looking like a girl?” And I finally was able to tell her, in a pride event or a safe place, this is what they prefer. This is what makes them happy. They are so proud of finding the best place, they are so proud of living in Jefferson City. But some people don’t accept that. Some people think it’s stupid. Some people, upon hearing the mere hint of transness, will lash out and even be violent. They would prefer to go by they/them, but if they don’t feel safe, they will accept being misgendered. They will accept Kansas City merch if it keeps them safe. But wherever they can, if they feel safe about it, they will tell people about their journey to Jefferson City. They’ll tell them all about the landmarks, the museums, the local cuisine, that one burger joint you should never go to. They appreciate Jefferson City guidebooks.

Dysphoria comes into play, too. Some people absolutely hate that they look like they’re from St. Louis. They want to be associated with Kansas City at all costs. They’ve thrown out all their Cardinals merch - it’s the Royals or nothing! Some are cool with it sometimes and not at others. Some like myself don’t mind it at all. St. Louis is still a part of them, and it was fun while it lasted. They still like the Cardinals but they cheer for the Royals too. And when they play each other - well, I can’t take the metaphor there. And euphoria! You tolerate Cardinals merch but when someone gives you a Royals shirt you wear it all the time!! Kansas City stickers make you so excited!

I don’t remember where I was going with this. But either way I think I stumbled into a great metaphor.

[kegareki]

dameamaryllis replied to your post “The video opens to the Five Nights At Freddy’s title screen and a...”

Oh, I love this! May we know more about Jaz, pretty pretty please? (Does Jason still dies? Please say no!)

it’s ME, do you think that i could let jason die if i could help it??

jason has a much larger weakness to mother figures than jaz does. jaz is a lot less willing to extend any amount of trust towards possible bio mom sheila--which is good, considering that if they went along with it with their guard down, they would’ve been lured into a trap and brutally murdered by the joker. no thanks!

as you can imagine, jason is more well-adjusted than in other canons because he was not killed or almost killed by the joker at 16.

jaz and jason are robin at the same time. it was suggested that they have separate codenames, but this was shot down because they both want to be robin.

(”do you want one of us to be batboy?” jason demands. “i’m not gonna be batboy.”

“i don’t wanna be batboy, either,” jaz says. “that’s the name of a reject robin.”

“the name of a shitty bargain-bin robin.”

“technically, i am getting a deal on robins,” bruce says.

“you can be batboy then!”)

because no one has an untimely death, the role of robin does not pass over to tim during a time of desperate need for a stabilizing influence on batman, and therefore jason doesn’t resent bruce for replacing him or tim for being his replacement. tim becomes robin in the same way that everyone else does: bruce sees a tiny child in need, sees that he is in a position to help them, and goes “oh, no.”

jason and jaz respectfully retire from the position of robin and move cities entirely to help dick over in bludhaven.

(”WHAT IS A GOTHAM GOLDEN CHILD DOING IN BLUDHAVEN,” someone tweets in distress. accompanying their tweet is a photo of jaz, who is sitting on the other side of their classroom.

someone else responds with: “grayson went to bludhaven around the time bruce wayne picked up the todds & bruce wayne is apparently in the process of adopting another kid rn. bludhaven might just b where gotham kids go to escape their adopted sibs”

the original poster replies to this, shaken, “are you telling me that gothamites view bludhaven as a vacation spot? this is the most terrifying thing anyone has ever said to me”)

more under the cut because this answer is getting Very Long

jaz’s vigilante name is nightingale, which immediately pegs them as a double-act with nightwing, but i wanted a bird name and if leliana could use the name nightingale, so can i

they’ve got the same sort of blue stripe that nightwing’s got going on, as well as the domino mask, but their outfit as a whole is more reminiscent of red hood’s--suit beneath a jacket and trousers, belt, boots, etc. they use escrima sticks like nightwing does, but they transition comfortably between impact and edged weapons, with the same sort of “if they don’t go down when beaten, they’ll go down when bleeding” mindset that jason has

jaz, dick, and bruce are all similar in that they all go where the need is. sometimes you have to make a choice on what thing or person needs you more, because you can’t take care of everyone and everything at the same time. you can’t. something will always be your priority.

in ‘verses where it’s just dick who’s trying to meet people’s needs, he gets so strained, because he can’t give all of himself to everyone who needs something from him. jaz helps, though. they can go where he can’t. like--between damian and tim, dick’s gonna go after damian. damian’s a kid and dick’s responsible for him. and jaz can go after tim in his stead

in one of my aus, where jaz lands in an alternate universe where there’s no native jaz and therefore everything went predictably to shit:

"Dick is the only Robin who made it to eighteen," Jaz says. "Have you thought about what you'll be after?"

Tim pauses, expression shifting. "Not really," he admits. "I haven't needed to. Until now, I guess."

Jaz puts a hand on his shoulder. "Hey. Even if Damian does become Robin, that doesn't mean you're being kicked out. Damian is a ten-year-old who's been trained by the League of Assassins. He needs to be supervised, and you don't anymore. And besides," they add, "you're not the only one whose partner is being stolen. We could team up."

He smiles hesitantly. "I haven't patrolled with you yet. Let's start there."

(i gave up on understanding the dc timeline so the ages i go by are “if damian is 10, tim is 18, jason is 22, and dick is 25″ since i think that dick is 28ish when damian is 13?)

dick, jason, and jaz are all pretty tight-knit with each other, but their next favorite batkids are all different? dick is close with babs and damian, jason is close with cass, jaz is close with tim...

ALSO if it was not obvious, jaz/dick is a thing. generally i do not write romantic relationships involving si/ocs, because i am aromantic, but i make an exception for dick grayson. (”you are my only exception” by paramore plays in the distance) they’re very cute together and playful and fun and sweet. i have a soulbond au where they’re soulmates. i almost never write soulmate aus. that is how much i love them

more things i want to say but that i’ve run out of steam for paragraphs about:

jaz adopts a black cat and names him catman. they take snaps of him zooming around their apartment with the caption “nya nya nya nya catman”

they are the singular robin whose favorite hero/vigilante is batman. however it should be noted that bruce wayne is not their favorite; batman is. the absurdity of a growling man of the night accompanied by a brightly-colored acrobatic child is so utterly charming

in jazverse canon, jaz is nonbinary and uses they/them pronouns and tim is trans and uses he/him pronouns. bruce wayne has not messed up their pronouns Once and, when other people misgender his kids, he always makes sure to say The Correct Pronouns Or Terminology in his response. #BruceWayneSaysTransRights is a real hashtag

jason and jaz are protective of each other. i’m not saying that jaz would’ve decked sheila in the face, but i’m also not saying that they wouldn’t

the imagery of jason and jaz attending gotham academy is so funny. like. they’re from fuckin crime alley and then they get adopted by bruce wayne and now they go to the Elite Private Academy of gotham where everyone is rich and snobby. they read the lord of the flies for english class and agree that the events of the novel are made possible only by virtue of being populated entirely by rich white cis boys. their discussion immediately goes to “so if that happened with our class, who would die first” because, to quote jason todd, “even if no one tried asserting dominance, these kids have the survival instincts of a toddler”

jaz’s full name is jasmine and their nicknames are jaz and jazzy. dick calls them hummingbird sometimes because they’re short and have adhd. also because they looked Utterly Betrayed by dick and jason both having -bird nicknames but not them

[feeling-things-sucks]

I think I really want to come out to my family. I know I want to come out to my friends too, but both present so many stupid issues

I know I wanna tell my friends first, since I’m closest to and more comfortable with them so it would probably be easier to come out to my friends plus very few of them are cishet, so I know that logically the only thing they’re gonna do is accept me with open arms, but I was the last one within my friend group to really find that I’m pan, and anxiety keeps telling me that since I was “cishet” for the longest time out of all of us then that means they’ll think I’m just lying to fit in, which is actually Bullshit but I’ve just internalized so much of that “special snowflake” crap that people say without even realizing it. And on top of all that I wouldn’t even know how to bring it up even though it’s literally as simple as sending a quick “hey I’d rather go by he/him pronouns now” but noooo nothing can ever be simple, dammit.

And for my family, I’ve only ever insisted that I’m straight and cis.

Part of the reason I haven’t come out to them yet is because I’m too fucking stubborn, there have been multiple occasions where my mom has straight up asked me “do you ever feel like you might be part of the lgbt community” AND I’ve overheard her talking with my dad about how they thought (maybe still think?) I’m a lesbian, so it’s like telling a kid “if you keep asking for the candy then you’re not gonna get it”. If you keep asking me if I’m gay then I’m not gonna fucking tell you.

Also partially because it’s bullshit that lgbt people have to “come out” in the first place. Why can’t I just fucking exist without people assuming I’m cishet by default? So I just liked to pretend that they were never under the impression that I was cishet but like... that’s just unrealistic. I’ve thought about dropping hints, like wearing pride flag bracelets and hoping they might come across the same color scheme online and maybe connect the dots, or recommend more and more movies/shows with lgbt rep, but I’d still actively be Coming Out, just in a more subtle way. And at the end of the day, I’d probably be a lot happier if I would just fucking tell them that I would prefer to have male clothing and use he/him pronouns and keep my hair short and maybe get a binder, so therefore I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to just swallow my pride (ha) and say something because if it’s gonna help me lead a happier life then why shouldn’t I?

Fuck, I’m lucky that I have parents who have vocally supported the lgbt community, even if they say some dumb shit sometimes.

So I want to come out but like, what do I say? I want to tell them I’m pan but that would probably require a really dumb conversation about how gender isn’t as binary as they think and I just don’t have the fucking spoons to do that. So do I just tell them I’m bi to save the hassle? But the fact I’m pan will probably come up Eventually and I’ll have to have that conversation Anyways so it’s better to just get it over with already instead of putting it off.

And there’s the same problem with telling them I’m agender and want to start a transition. I feel like there’s a difference between telling them “I’m into people who identify outside the gender binary” and “I personally identify outside the gender binary” are different things, so should I just say “I’m a trans guy” to make it simpler? But again, the fact I’m agender will probably come up eventually. And they’ll question me like “how did you come to this conclusion?” “WHY did you come to this conclusion?” “If you’re agender then why wouldn’t you want to go by they/them and dress more neutrally?” And it’s like. Just let me live pls lmao.

And if I ever manage to pass and people perceive me as a Dude then I’ll probably feel more comfortable wearing traditionally feminine things and then they’ll be thrown for another loop because why would you wear jewelry and makeup if your a trans guy!?!?! Like idk how to explain to you that I can be a guy and still enjoy pretty things, those things are not mutually exclusive.

And I don’t want to lie just to make things easier because though it might make it easier on me a little, it would also make it a LOT easier on them because now they don’t have to Struggle to understand that not everyone is ready to jump at inane gender roles, and like that’s fucking stupid because we are Not just an inconvenience in your life.

I also don’t want to lie because though it’s close to the truth it’s still not Actually Me.

And then After Everything is said and done, my brother is a stupid piece of shit and if he Can make a bigoted comment then he Will make a bigoted comment because he just doesn’t fucking think before he opens his mouth, and then when I call him out on his shit he pouts and acts like the victim so I’ll have to deal with that.

The same goes for my parents, they’ll probably want to Talk About It and end up saying more stupid shit and then I’ll have to be the Nice Gay who educates The Cishets and I’m fucking tired of doing that even though I know I inevitably will because I’m a fucking doormat.

There’s just so much Shit and I know that in the End it’ll probably be worth it but I don’t even know how or where to start

[starling-rose]

Hey... u know what sucks ass?

Being gender fluid. Like, wowie, thanks whoever created me. Like I wake up one day and I’m like. Oh yes imma cis gal. Verr good. *buys shit ton of feminine cutesy shit*. Next day *throws on jeans and a fuckboy jacket* henlo I manly boye looking for the dudes and chicks. And like.... one day I’m like deffffinitely boye, and then I’m definitely a gal. And then sometimes I’m a genderless blob. Thanks I hate it. Cuz like, should I prepare myself for T? Should I start looking into ways to get my testosterone up? Or should I learn about makeup??? Also my parents barely understand trans. They think it’s a mental illness! If I said I was Genderfluid they would flip and send me to bible camp. Why can’t I just be normal. My mom says I should seek to be myself but this is myself. This is my whole being. I don’t even care what pronouns people use. I feel fickle and confused. Tonight I’ll feel like a man and I’ll wake up tomorrow ridiculing tonight’s me. Maybe I’m just scared to disappoint my parents. Maybe I don’t want to let go of being a girl because I’m afraid I’ll be more alone then I already am. I’ve been thinking for way too long and if I keep thinking and not doing I can’t shake this feeling that I may be loosing my best years to my own mind and fickleness. I want to live as a boy before my best years are behind me but what if I was wrong? But what if I was right? I feel wrong when people compliment my feminine shape. I have dreams that I am a male. But I have other dreams about being in a lesbian relationship. I feel so broken. I have no one to lean on. No loyal or understanding friends. All of my friends either don’t take me seriously, try to tell me how to feel, won’t understand or they’ll ridicule me. I only have about 4 friends. The rest are just people I talk to from time to time if I see them in person. I feel like every gay person in North Carolina is already dating someone. I know a few single people but one is my ex, the other is straight and the last one is toxic. The toxic one is my “best friend” my mom begs me not to stop talking to him in fear that he’ll commit suicide. I’ve baby sat him and his self induced problems for years giving him the best advice I can. He ignores me. If I try to talk about myself or my problems he interrupts with more of his problems. I’m sorry. Long rant. No one is gonna read this and that’s fine. I just had to get it out there. You anyone responds that’d be cool.

[lostmyurl]

This is a personal post about my own identity, about some realizations I have long since been coming to, something I need to get out and organize and get off my chest, so please don't come here with any generalizing comments, or about how I'm generalizing people. This is me, my experience, my dysphoria, my life. If you want to reblog or leave a comment or something, or inbox me, or something, you're more than free to, just please, please realize that this is about a post me and my self-image alone. As a kid, I always wanted to be a scout. Always. I never did, though. We only had Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts back in Texas, and in Poland, too. Idk. It just didn't sit right with me to be included in "oh, just girls here" or "oh, just boys here." I don't like gender-separated areas, and I never did, even if I didn't know why it put me off so much. I mean, I guess I didn't know when I was that young that it was dysphoria speaking up? But as I got older, and I started to hit puberty, shit just started getting a LOT worse. I had a period of time where I decided, nope, you're DEFINITELY a cis girl, I wore so much pink it was bizarre and outrageous. I like the color still, just… I feel bad because I associate it with that period of time really intensely. So I can't wear it at all or I just… hm. It's a shame, really. It's such a nice color. But it's just tied to so many memories of trying to wipe out anything I felt that didn't fit. After that, it was a period of 'so what the fuck are you?' Anybody who knew me about two years ago knew I kept changing my mind, trying to figure out what was going on because nothing felt right. A friend had to suggest it, if maybe I wasn't just imagining things/had low self esteem/was gnc, and really, for the longest time, I wondered if I was a closeted trans boy. But while being addressed as "he" helped, it didn't feel right, either. It was SO LONG until I realized that what actually felt right wasn't the decision to use "he" or "she," it was the actual moment of hesitation, the fact that I was presenting androgynously enough for it to be unclear. It's… still really really frustrating and muddled, but I've figured out enough about reading testimonies from trans people to know that what I'm experiencing is definitely a combination of dysphoria and euphoria. Here's the thing, though. There's a distinct line between nonbinary and gender-nonconforming (gnc). Being gnc would mean that I wouldn't feel uncomfortable or wrong when somebody used a set of binary pronouns for me in accordance with my assigned sex, or even the one across the binary. You can be gnc and cis, or gnc and binary trans, and one doesn't preclude the other. And neither of those means nonbinary. It's an identity that's… okay. TMI, I guess, but ideally? In a world of people who identify as men and women, I'd like to inspect my own body, go on a character selection screen, and remove all primary and secondary sex characteristics traditionally thought of as belonging to binary genders. Penis? Wrong. Vagina? Wrong. Boobs? Wrong. Facial hair? Wrong. Hourglass figure? Wrong. "Dorito" figure? Wrong. Et cetera. Et cetera. I'd like to be freed from all of those and I don't know why it's weighing on me so heavily. Delete, delete, delete, even if it meant leaving me a near-featureless default doll. Before anybody accuses me of hating people, I don't mind any of those traits on anybody else. This is my own body I'm talking about, a truly personal experience and an idealized dream. In dreams, I am occasionally perceived as male, rarely as female. Regardless, whenever I can remember, I have always been "other" in my dreams. You know- like on multiple choice exams, 'A,' 'B,' 'C,' 'D,' 'none of the above is correct'? Like that. I first learned that nonbinary genders were a thing from a classmate. Pejoratively. Like they were other, lesser, freaks. "What do you mean, neither? You can't be neither." It was religious studies class, that I remember. Of course, that wasn't the word they used. It was "homo-niewiadomo," a partially reclaimed slur that literally translates to "homo-who knows really" and doesn't just refer to gay people but any people falling under the queer umbrella as a whole. I was torn between "what???" and this kind of "that's a thing?" My next experience was on tumblr. I met a wonderful person who actually lives in my city. We've met nowadays. Years later. I was a kid then, maybe 15? 16? They said… I don't remember what it was. Gender-questioning? Something like that? I didn't pretend to understand, not yet, but I wanted to know more. All this sounds like I've had a lot of influence, but really, so much of it was based on introspection, questioning, doubting. Yeah, self-harm happened, too, whether by actually drawing blood or intentionally forcing myself to embrace hyperfemininity or by pushing myself to the point where I can't wear a color I love because it has all those negative associations with things I did to myself, things I said, trying to cut off unwieldy and inconvenient parts of my personality and decide I'm "moving on." I did the same thing about being autistic, about being ADD, and I look back on that now and realize that all I was doing was ensuring both my mental health and my physical health suffered. And my grades. Those dropped too. Performance in all respects. I ruined a lot of friendships that way. I guess some of that is a behavior learned from my parents. Forbid anything that's not productive or conductive to school that you're too "dependent" on. It's… really the worst fragment of their parenting (I think it's how they approach themselves, too) I could've possibly internalized. And something that disappeared basically overnight as soon as I was old enough to point out it wasn't actually helping, it was hurting. Now it's just there in my head, eating at me. They're not bad people. They're not bad parents. They treat us like human beings, instead of like enemies to trap in a maze of "because I said so" and arbitrary obstacles, like so many fakey-nice perfect suburban American families I've seen. They're learning, too, their home lives weren't perfect and they're not prepared to deal with a neurodivergent (not "normal") kid at ALL. They're always so confused about how "brilliant" I am and how I have trouble with "easy" stuff, about how I get overwhelmed with too much input. About how no, exposing me to that input doesn't help, it just increases the chances of a grown adult having to lock themselves in a dark room bawling into a pillow because it's /too much/. The truth is, I don't know. I know that what I need to alleviate dysphoria is basically impossible. That unlike a binary trans person I do not have the possibility to transition and eventually attain the body I identify with. This is why I can't go back to the Bible Belt, or attend a super-religious school I might've gotten a good scholarship from. I can't. If I had to go back to all that, to dressing up and doing makeup and "girl talk" and asserting over and over and over that I am like you, I am like you, I am like you, I would lose my sense of identity completely. What fragile sense I've even built up for myself. A person I can be now, somebody I almost like. Not quite, but almost. It's progress. So much progress. I'd go back to hating myself for not being like you, yes, of course I'm crushing on a boy, oh, yes, absolutely, please help me look more feminine more often, I'm just a clueless tomboy who doesn't know what she's missing :) :) :) If you're a girl who loves engaging in typically feminine activity, I support you and your interests, as I would if you were anybody else and your interests didn't hurt anybody. But it's not for me, and honestly, it's silly, but so many of my nightmares involve people turning on me and deciding they'll help me look more like I'm supposed to, be like I'm supposed to. "You have such a beautiful woman's body! Don't throw it all away!" you can have it you can have it you can HAVE it please take everything, take the horrible breasts, take the horrible curves and the horrible cinched waist and the awful "delicate features" right off my face. I don't want these. I can't be grateful for something that I look in the mirror and I feel can't belong to me, it shouldn't. It's wrong. That's not me. Please don't tell me "you're a pretty girl, you should appreciate it," don't tell me I'd like it more if I wore more skirts, I promise, I TRIED that. I did. I tried all the possible ways of loving myself and embracing a female identity in both gender-role-conforming ways and not. It doesn't work. It's like a software patch called "gender" was installed in almost everybody's brains except my own. All I'm left with is extraneous hardware that acts as malware without the driver patch. In a way, though, things are looking up. I've managed to figure out a thousand and one ways to avoid the entire (gendered) past tense in the language I speak at home. I've figured out a thousand more ways to avoid revealing, I've learned to see when I'm succeeding and when I've slipped up, when their eyes shine in triumph and they finally use binary pronouns without asking. Would it be so hard to ask? I'm not even sure what I'd say except "thank you." It's only happened once to my face without snark and it was the best thing I'd ever heard. I blew it. I wasn't expecting it. I shrugged and said "whichever you please" because I got so flustered, I didn't know how to respond. It was unexpected. It was wonderful. I should've said "neither, really." I could've said "I'd prefer not to say." If I hadn't been speaking Polish, I would have asked for “they.” Maybe. If I had the guts. "Whichever you please" was a step in the right direction though… right? This post doesn't have a point. Not really. Just laying some stuff out in text because they finally make sense that way. If you want to send hate, save it for other posts, okay? Have a shred of dignity and comment on posts tagged discourse, or posts in which I express an opinion about something that isn't this introspective.

[aquarianlights]

Still the anon about airport security. What would you do if you had to take a flight? Would you go through the full body scanner? Or if don't want to, you can opt for a pat down. You know the pat down has to be done by a officer of the same gender as yours. Would you be worried about being misgendered? I was misgendered once, so I am really unsure if it's better the body scanner putting your biological sex to avoid to find anomalies or the pat down where they could misgendered you.

Well, I’m most definitely going to have to take flights in the future. Idk when or how soon. I’m guessing it’ll be 2019 so I’m guessing they’ll not make any progress by then and they’ll not have made any advancements past full body scanners.

Just saying now, most trans people are not going to align with my views on this, but that’s perfectly fine. I have very specific views and very specific reasoning and very specific quirks. And that’s all perfectly okay. So. . .don’t worry about how weird this is all going to sound and how this is all going to be exactly opposite of what most trans people would think. Trust me when I say I am not most trans people. When I first came out about being trans on tumblr (a year or two after discovering I was trans), the LGBT community literally attacked me (trans people specifically) trying to tell me I wasn’t trans enough to be included. Lmao. So don’t worry that I’m going to be the opposite on most people. It’s not you, it’s me. Haha. I’ve come to learn that I am a seriously awesome individual and that I just have very unique quirks and that I just don’t align well with the LGBT community like majority of my fremily, who are all LGBT. Which is perfectly fine. Coz no one needs to. As long as we are all comfortable with ourselves. And as long as you’re comfortable with yourself? You don’t need to worry about being misgendered, honestly. Which is why I’m not.

But anyways. . .

If you’re asking my PERSONAL opinion like I THINK you are, like I said, on a personal level, I don’t worry about that stuff because I don’t have anxiety attached to my dysphoria like most people do. Public anxiety isn’t an issue for me and it never has been and I’m a 200% attention whore. I do worry about being misgendered but I take the opportunity to correct everyone and anyone I see as long as it’s not medically oriented. And since this isn’t a medical issue, I would already have been correcting them from the start and if someone dared pulled an attitude with me (ESPECIALLY a police officer), I’d be talking over them. As I normally do. I correct people on my gender already unless I want something from them (ie; I’m not really outing myself to my professors at school until I can feel around on whether they’re transphobic or not unless they specifically ask. I only make sure to correct them on my name. As for pronouns, I’m only going to tell them about it eventually. Whereas, in a PUBLIC situation where I will only be seeing these people once and it’s a one-time incident? Nbd).

I mean, I’ve seen that people normally tend to dwell on bad social interactions. You mention that you’ve been misgendered once as though you remember in vivid detail this one instance. I just don’t get those effects from negative social interactions. It’s generally intimate, private, negative interactions that have vivid memories for me. I don’t tend to really have vivid memories of negative, public interactions because they don’t stick with me and I think I have less than zero amount of social anxiety. I’m less than neurotypical when it comes to social anxiety. I’m whatever the opposite of social anxiety is. I enjoy the spotlight. I don’t tend to ENJOY it persay in a negative way but I’d rather have it than not have it. I don’t want the spotlight BY CHOICE. But I want it... by chance. If you get what I’m saying? Idk how that exactly works. So if I get picked out for a pat down... I guess that’s all the better?

As for pat-downs...Well, I’m a 200% brutally honest person so here we go. If a male officer were called to pat me down, I would have a hard time not having a breakdown. I have had so much sexual assault and rape history that has lead to PTSD and panic disorder that even if I didn’t have a female officer, I would request one and wait for one. If I had to have a male, I would specifically request that he not be white. All of the males that have sexually assaulted me have been white cis males (and to my knowledge, heterosexual or claiming to be bi and lying about being bi to manipulate me).

Also, if you know anything about me and have followed me for even 2 seconds, you know I’m the brattiest of all brat subs. And I quite enjoy toying with my dommes. So if a female officer were to just COME to me, it would make things a LOT easier, because then I would be able to just automatically avoid all the flashbacks and heart racing and feelings of fear that would flood back from PTSD. And I wouldn’t have any of that to deal with so I would be able to be my normal self and would be able to toy with her and tease her like I normally would and enjoy myself. If you’ve followed me for 2 seconds, then you’ll also know I’m ace. I’m not sexually attracted to anyone. But I do appreciate the female form and I am romantically attracted to females. I consider myself biromantic (or panromantic, I really don’t know) because occasionally there’s a male or other person thrown in there, but it’s heavily leaning towards females. Always has been. But I quite enjoy when females of authority pat me down because it brings out my bratty side and gives me the chance to make snarky remarks and toy with them under my breath and it’s just a lot of fun for me, tbh.

This is all my personal opinion, though. I’m really not your average transguy, as you can probably tell. I’m quite the opposite and no one should ever follow my lead coz I’m a bad example. I mean... I’m your typical brat sub but I’m not your typical person. Like I’ve said many times before, I live the bdsm lifestyle, but I’m not a sexual person because I’m ace. I’m not into bdsm sexually at all. I just live the lifestyle. Which a lot of people don’t understand unless, y’know, they’re in the lifestyle, too, either both sexually/fully or just fully.

I get misgendered on the daily so it’s all part of daily life for me. It’s part of the norm right now. When getting misgendered becomes odd for me---I mean, really odd---then, we can talk. But that probably won’t be for long down the HRT line if it’s all even safe to do what we’re talking about and, er, whenever BRCA testing gets done and the state can pay for my surgery. But that’s hopeful thinking. I doubt if we try out what the doctor and I are talking about, it’ll work. I don’t wanna give out details because if I type it out, I will get my own hopes up and I don’t wanna do that. Coz when I get defeated and have to continue doing what I’m doing, that’ll be really sad. And BRCA testing will probably come back positive, but even if it does, I won’t have the time to go through with the surgery until, er. . .who knows when. :| The only thing that will happen FOR SURE is a name change. Maybe one day I can do what my doctor and I are talking about, but probably not. Ergh. I don’t wanna get my hopes uppppp. Do not want. But if my BRCA test comes back positive, at least I can keep it in my file so that I have it as evidence.

But honestly?

The machine wouldn’t bother me and a surprise pat down wouldn’t bother me. I’m 200% comfortable with how other people see me and how I hold myself. And I’m ALMOST comfortable with how I see myself. Almost. . .

You know what WOULD bother me? A strip search. You know why? Because it’s EXTREMELY uncomfortable to take my binder off. I even wear a sports bra to bed. I take super short showers simply because it’s uncomfortable to not have something binding the girls down. They’re fucking annoying. I barely have a B cup. BARELY. They don’t even really fit into B cups, but they’re slightly too large for A’s. But they don’t fit any A’s. So it’s hard to judge. But then again, any bra that isn’t a sports bra is too loose, imo, coz I’m wearing a binder as long as I can all day, but I wear a sports bra at night. I mean, ever since I started wearing training bras, I started wearing bras to bed. You know what’s also uncomfortable for me? People seeing my belly. That bothers me. That scares me to death. Because of my parents growing up. Which is why I turned to ana when I was a child and didn’t even know what ana was and still keep ana in my life. But having to take my shirt off in front of someone and not cover my tummy with my arm? That terrifies me. Hell, even when I’m sitting down or laying down, there’s always a pillow or blanket or stuffed animal or SOMETHING over my tummy. Even when I’m driving, I keep a jacket or something in my lap simply because it bothers me to not have pressure on my tummy. The only time I don’t have something is when I’m walking, working, exercising, or taking a test. Even when I’m sleeping, I have a long stuffed animal that I keep between my legs that I keep up close to my tummy that I keep pressed to myself because it scares me to not have pressure on it. Because of my parents. Again, thing in the shower. And also why I hate summer. Fucking can’t do layers that help with that feeling of pressure that helps keep my parents voices in my head at bay.

So THAT is the only thing that would bother me. A strip search. A pat down and a machine? Nah. Wouldn’t bother me for reasons stated above.

That is all going on the fact you just asked my personal opinion, yes? At least, that’s how I read it. I’m hoping I explained that thoroughly enough that it all made sense.

I know all my reasoning is kind of weird and I have very, er... specific reasoning for every little thing but. I tried to explain everything without going into too much detail. So, uh... yeah. Not gonna apologize for being me, but I am aware that I am a very specific character with very specific quirks about me and that most other trans people are not going to align with my views on this. And that’s perfectly okay.

[abanomath]

Rant time: DC’s Tone Deafness

So I don’t really like ranting or being negative, but DC Universe recently released an article to celebrate pride month about the Top 5 canon and non-canon LGBTQA+ relationships in Young Justice.

And the tone deafness is just off the charts. Like most of the world, I’m not American so I needed someone to screen-cap the actual article for me. I’m going to organize my thoughts and go down.

General

For one, its pretty obvious the writer didn’t look at the source material. This article sounds like it was written by someone filled in on the basics and told to write a good PR article for DC.

There are a lot of little details in the story, such as when the writer claims that they “showcased even more LGBTQA+ protagonists in season 3″ implying they had previously, which they hadn’t. One character was implied to be bisexual in the comics, never on screen, but more on that below. Season 3 was the first LGBTQA+ rep for the show.

Also its always a bit tone deaf when in an article celebrating LGBTQA+ and diversity in your show, that you have a list of 5 “ships”, of which only ONE is actually a couple in canon. Not only did they need to resort to non-canon ones, they included people that can’t be called a “ship” or couple.

1. Kaldur/Wyynde

This is the only actual LGBTQA+ couple on the list that is canon in the show, and I liked them. But I can’t deny that Kaldur who was a main cast member for the past two season’s had a vastly reduced role (compared to straight cis white characters like Dick and Conner). He was basically written out of the first half of the season, and then his relationship was really present for 1.5 - 2 episodes max. This in a season that was marked with excessive attention given to heterosexual relationships (like seriously, basically every character was in some form of relationship on-screen). The one healthy LGBTQA relationship got less attention than Black Lightning and Dr. Jace’s romance, something that ultimately went nowhere, Dick/Barbara, even Megan/Conner when Megan was also essentially written out of the season.

2. Marie Logan and Rita Farr

They really dug deep for this “ship”. Ironically, they start this by talking about the scene in Young Justice #25, when Queen B’s powers work on Garfield’s mother. This was the first implication her being bisexual. And of course, she also dies in this scene, so starting off with a “Bury your gays” trope where Marie’s queerness literally got her killed and orphaned her son.

There isn’t much more to say about this ship, because it literally doesn’t exist. The shipping community for this is so small you have to go digging deep into tags to find even hints of it. The article even basically says this, posing the ship as a question. As being interesting. (Does it count as Bury Your Gays when both woman are dead before their relationship is even hinted at?)

In other words this article about celebrating LGBTQA ships literally had to try and CREATE A SHIP to reach 5 ships. Despite the fact there are plenty of LGBTQ fanon ships (Birdflash being the most prominent one left off the list). It really hits at the thing I said above, this is a “write us a good PR article with the barest amount of effort put into it” situation.

3. Harper Row and Halo

Oh boy don’t get me started on this. There are so many problems with how they did Halo this season, she is basically tone deaf personified. (For the purpose of this rant, I’ll be using the “she” pronouns for Halo, because I have no choice but to assume they are her preference, unless the show purposely spent the entire season mis-gendering her, but I don’t think her characterization really supports that she prefers “her/she”).

I’ve had a problem with Halo from the start, because she is basically an attempt for the writers to shallowly include representation without having to actually deal with it. She is Muslim representation, but not actually Muslim (as she confirms on the show). She wears the Hijab because she feels like it. She is genderqueer, but they never once talk about her pronouns. She refers to herself as “not feeling like a boy or a girl” and constantly refers to herself in the third person, but everyone uses “she/her” pronouns without asking her. They even have a scene where she informs them she is genderqueer, and its never brought up again without asking any actual follow up questions or awareness. They also infantalize and treat her as a little girl.

Additionally, she falls into one of my greatest pet peeves - she is genderqueer but for fantasy-scifi reasons. For those that follow genderqueer or transgender characters in media, this is a very common trope. Essentially, the trope is when someones gender identity is caused by/determined from otherworldly experiences.

This trope bugs me because it completely undermines the point of representation. Representation in media is supposed to show the audience that these are natural human experiences and that people like this exist and are normal. But the trope ensures that the experiences are not normal human experiences.

(and don’t even get me started on the fact that this show has made New Genesis tech gendered before, with Sphere. And even gender the bioship in the same season they pull this for Halo).

Lastly, she also falls within the “promiscuous bisexual” trope, with the very kiss this article praises as THE FIRST LGBT KISS ON SCREEN for the show. This is a problematic trope that DC seems to love. Basically, this scene has Halo cheating on her boyfriend with another young classmate, engaging in two kisses with her.

Now I’m not going to say that all LGBTQA+ relationships need to be wholesome one true loves. Problematic behaviour like Halo and Harper’s is a story telling tool. But the fact that the LGBTQA+ was told going into the season there would be LGBT rep so they should watch, and this was the first rep we got 18 episodes into the season? It felt a bit like a slap in the face. They could’ve had her break up with Brion beforehand, or any number of different ways that would even keep the scene in tact.

And the relationship doesn’t really go anywhere anyways. Harper doesn’t really remain part of the season going forward, Halo and her boyfriend continue their relationship after it was revealed until the end of the season.

This is ultimately my problem with Halo. There are a few tropes that basically are summed up as “writers put all their diversity into one character” which is basically what Halo is. Each of these qualities, from faith to gender identity to sexual orientation could’ve been a fleshed out character arc (oh! I forgot to mention she also falls into the “My gender identity isn’t cis, so my sexual orientation is also bi/pan/gay” trope). Instead all the diverse qualities of Halo are addressed shallowly as the show-runners pat themselves on the back.

4. Bluepulse

I’ve ranted a lot so I’m not going to go crazy on this point. You can probably find tons of posts about the drama between Bluepulse Shippers and the show, which again makes their inclusion kind of tone-deaf. Bluepulse shippers have been called disgusting by the fandom for the three year age gap, an age gap that was never confirmed on screen and you had to go digging in Greg’s personal message board to know (resulting in many people shipping them not knowing their ages at all).

In addition, the showrunners made it clear they did not like this ship over the several years the show has been off the air. And in Season 3 they give Jaime a girlfriend....who is a lesbian in the comics. Now Traci and Jaime did date in the comics before she came out, and this is another Earth. But when the sole purpose of their relationship being on screen was to tell the audience that bluepulse wasn’t happening, choosing a lesbian character to play the cis straight girlfriend is a bit of a slap in the face. again.

5. Bart Allen and Eduardo

Queerbaiting, nuff said.

For those not in the know, Ed is a character introduced as a runaway in Season 2, but he doesn’t really interact with Bart until mid-season 3. There is an episode where a group of heroes go to a carnival, and Ed and Bart appear to be on a date. They are in a group with all couples, except for Virgil. Virgil laments being the only person there without a significant other, implying that Bart and Ed are together. Additionally, Bart and Ed do everything that the other couples do together. It was pretty heavy-handed that the couples were there on dates.

And fans liked this! Even if Bluepulse wasn’t happening, Bart may still be bisexual or gay. This was made worse by Greg retweeting and liking Ed/Bart content, and not giving a straight answer on whether they were dating.

Which obviously, creates the expectation among LGBTQA+ fans that they will get together. They don’t. And later at a convention, one of the main writers (not Greg) said something like “its funny how the fans see relationships between characters differently from our intent” when asked a question about them. Essentially confirming that yeah, they didn’t have any actual content for them planned anyway. Though they did have an addendum that they may build on the fan reception/view of the relationship in the future (basically saying, maybe they’ll be canon).

As much as I’d like to be optimistic that they actually will get together and we’ll get a LGBTQ relationship that is in the spotlight for once, I’m not. I’ll be happy to be proved wrong on this point.

And that was my TEDtalk about how tone-deaf DC patting themselves on the back for LGBTQA+ content in Young Justice is. Especially when other animated shows do so much better with fewer episodes and screen time.