#can you tell why i live AFTG yet

[giftedpoison]

So I don't know what to do with this information so buckle up I guess.

Hi, my name is Eve and in my real life I used to work at a grocery store (it's a chain but not necessarily a national one so i won't be saying their name for purposes of anonymity).

I worked there from the age of 16 (was hired December 18th 2016). Eventually started working in their shopping department for curbside pickup in 2019, when the department opened. Became a supervisor in the department in November of 2021 (after doing the job for a few years being paid as a part time shopper rather than supervisor) then i was promoted to Lead of the department in Feb. of 2022 (which essentially meant I ordered supplies, dealt with managing a group of 13 individuals and sat in on corporate meetings and the like).

That's my history. I quit in September of 2023. Because the job was trying to kill us all and I hit my breaking point. (My breaking point was when 5 of my employees including myself nearly passed out from over exertion. I say nearly because I forced them to stop and eat and hydrate when it got too bad, i was fighting for management to give me help so we could get breaks out but they wouldn't listen and I ended up absolutely word vomiting my building frustrations with their management style that I had been actively fighting against for well over a year at that point.)

I know I'm a good leader, but management increasingly thought of me as naive and too soft as a leader because I refused to step back and allow abuse of my workers for corporate profit. Despite the fact I would show them statistics and give them nuanced balanced perspectives they let their own biases get in the way.

Three of my shoppers were their main targets. Two of which were neurodivergent and came from a not so great background. The third one wasn't neurodivergent but she came from a broken background that involved drugs and alcohol as a minor she was 19.

I think about the third girl so often. Because I remember she wasn't shopping at the speed they wanted her too (aka the goal for the whole department) which was a valid critique and the manager basically played bad cop which was fine. And I remember after this I was working with this girl and we were running behind that day, to no fault of hers, and i had to come help her finish her shop so we could prepare for the customers to arrive.

And she was panicked. Saying she's really trying and she's afraid she's going to get fired and a bunch of other things as i'm helping her. And I looked at her and tell her. "Listen I've seen you're numbers recently, they aren't where they need to be but i can see you steadily increasing if you keep increasing no matter what the number is by the time management says something again. I will back you. It is okay and me helping you right now is not your fault." I found out recently she no longer shows up to work. And she basically quit. Which was probably in part due to personal issues like the fact her best friend was in coma at one point. And such. And she also got jumped in the parking lot by some girls and the police had to be called. But I can't help but to wonder if I had still been there, if she would have felt safe to keep coming back knowing that there was at least one person in charge in her corner. (now, I know for a fact there is none because I was a one man defense line)

I can't help but to think about my one coworker, one of the neurodivergent ones, who is still routinely get shit about his out of stock list despite back when I was still working there I literally showed them that his numbers averaged out to be about the same as everyone else.

I'm not going to say any of the three were perfect, they didn't always do their best and were sometimes unreliable. But did they deserve to get emotionally abused by one of the supervisors (who i reported over five times, and who also once threatened me but management refused to deal with)? No. Did they deserve to be treated like less than assets when two of them used to come in all the time on their day off to help until they got fed up with being treated like they were lesser?

I think about the time I fought against a capacity increase (literally one of the hours we could have 13 orders drop for one hour with only 2 hours to do it, and maybe 2-3 shoppers to execute it, and that's assuming we had the previous hour completed and actually had a full 2 hours). And then when it went into effect anyway despite me shoving numbers at every higher up I could about how it didn't work for what we had to work with. My one manager told me that's just how you build a business, increasing volume. So I told him it's also how you burn one down. He didn't have a reply.

I asked politely from the store manager that if we called for help, if there was no other employee who could, a manager should help us. And he returned with hedging and saying that "well if there's only one manager on duty that's not really feasible". Even when there were three managers on duty and two of them were standing around talking they did nothing. But don't worry if it was register front end drowning two managers plus a stocker would come to the rescue.

And prior to all this, prior to my Lead position, I didn't know I could be an effective and intelligent leader. Now I know I can, but absolutely no one will listen to me and will routinely talk down on me when they were so interested in me, that they fought corporate when corporate didn't want to give me the promotion and gave me a bigger raise than was protocol because they believed in me. And that belief went down the drain immediately when they realized I would not blindly fall in line.

I feel so bad that I'm no longer on the front lines defending them, and that I failed to give management one last piece of my mind like I was going to, but I know if I stayed there it would have eaten me alive and that it was slowly killing me.

I don't know where to go from here. How to live knowing I have enough intelligence to lead and be fair and nuanced, but having no where to put that to use. I don't know what to do anymore but this one haunts me.

And like I'm not gonna say I was perfect and I definitely didn't know the answers to everything. And I did have my issues. (I was angry but refused to take it out on anyone, I sometimes got so overwhelmed I had to ask someone to take over while I laid on the floor for a second to regain perspective, and I would often have to sit down because I would become light headed and dizzy from the heat outside). But at the very least I fought for them ya know?

[iam-anordinary-human-orami]

I know spotify wasn't a thing probably for the aftg universe but like imagine it was and the trojans are holding a spotify wrapped unwrapped party or some dumb name like that, where they gather the team and what they do essentially is they write down what their top 5 songs were on a piece of paper, give it to this year's presenter and that person plays songs from each top 5 and the trojans have to figure out whose list it is.

So everyone thinks oh jean probably listens to french music, whether classical or otherwise, cause he seems to be so out of touch with pop culture. But, they forget that Jean started living with two lesbians and a gay golden retriever(I don't mean bark bark) and so his music horizons have widened.

So it's Jean's top 5, no one knows of course. Presenter is one of the trojans "and here goes our next mystery contestant starting off strong with... a band named, I assume it's a band, um plastic titties?" People are snickering, "we get it you're gay" "they're lesbians Harold!", and Jean tenses but hides it very well that it's his top 5. Song starts. It's a screamo punk indie rock combo. Ppl start making guesses, "your honour I think it's Cat, only she knows fringe bands with monthly listeners less than this team's defence line" cat yelling back "not my fault you're a slave to the trends you swiftie!" , "Look me in the eye and tell me you dont know the words to 'love story' " , "Settle down, we ain't finished yet. Any other guesses?" , "Are we sure it's not one of the coaches?" , "Which coach do YOU think would listen to, and I repeat, 'plastic titties'? And if anyone else responds with 'your mom' I'm banning u from this round" , "Play the next one so we cop a feel" , "Why u gotta make it weird bro"

"Okay next one!" And the next one is like an intense rap song "someone's covering their tracks people", "we need to figure out whether this is working out music or what they genuinely listen to", "go on to the next one cause this is a bop but it could be anyone", "couldn't be Jeremy though" Jeremy standing up for himself "hey, I listen to rap" , "says the person who's top song was probably by Natasha Bedingfield", "beat the Sugababes fan allegations and then refer to our captain"

"Riight, next one is" and the next one is a funky hip hop anti-establishment song "sounds like Laila people" laila making it clear "I do listen to them but I can guarantee you that's not in my top favourites, not because it's not a banger, but because I don't listen to this album very much" , "she's lying to the defence your honour!" , "No one's in trial Cody sit down" Jean turning to look at Jeremy "and this is supposed to be a bonding exercise?" Jeremy thoroghouly invested in the game and scribbling down "bet you it's Ananya, she's been awfully quiet" Jean rolls his eyes, his hands crossed while he looks upon the second best collegiate exy team and wondering how his life came to this

"Aight? Is there anyone that has an educated guess?" Shawn puts his hand up, presenter says "I said educated" Shawn puts his hand down.

The last two songs are like an indie creepy heartfelt song and a ballad. This throws everyone off. At the end of the round everyone is accusing everyone and their mother, Jean with a sigh and rubbing his temples "we could be doing drills" , someone yells "I bet my firstborn it's Nabil!" , "You are an embarrassment to this team, sit down!" "Nabil is an anime nerd, I didn't hear a single Naruto in that playlist!", "That's not amv music your honour" , "bring the strikers forward let them justify their crimes upon the eyes of God!" , "If it's a crime to have good taste lock👏 me 👏up👏"

The presenter gets tired after a while "alright, kindly shut your traps so we can have a winning day! The mystery contestant is.. drumroll people! The mystery contestant isss....Jean" Silence. And then "I didn't know the french listen to screamo?", "But your honour, this is not coloniser music?", "Amelie is not even on there though", someone quietly "not a single song about baguettes?", "What's next? Jeremy Knox being a secret death metal fan?"

Meanwhile, Dan got the foxes to post screenshots of their top 5 songs on social media. The Internet is breaking cause why is Andrew Minyard's top song by the veronicas???

[cubbyyyy]

A post about my favorite aftg relationships/friendships because why not?

1. Andreil. Of course. I think I actually don’t need to explain more but yea, they were my favorite part in aftg. they quickly became one of my favorite shippings and in my humble opinion love isn’t even enough of a term for them. No one will ever understand another the way they understand each other. They showed me what perfect compatibility looks like because in tiktok term - no one matches each others freak the way they match each others freak. I can’t imagine a neil without an andrew. they are different enough to make the other improve and similar enough to make the other feel validated. they aren’t afraid to show their dark sides bc the other matches the dark sides.

2. Andrew and Aaron. Twinyards. After Andreil their relationship intrigued me the most. The way they seem so indifferent towards each other but caring so much anyways is just so bittersweet. I live for their improvements. The way they legitimately killed for each other is just everything. Neil making Aaron understand that Andrew did everything for him and that he did the same is just so dear to me. Yea they misunderstand each other, but the brotherly love they have for one another could burn cities.

3. Neil and Matt. I love how matt just adopted neil. Neil may be a little crazy but Matt just goes along with it. So when Neil punches a guy, Matt hypes it up. Matt caring for Neil from the start was precious to me since I still wasn’t sure about the “monsters” in the foxhole court. like they seemed honestly pretty much demanding as fuck and I just wanted Neil to have a save, rest space while figuring them out and that’s what Matt gave him. (I especially like the trio of Matt/Dan/Neil). Matt is just the definition of a best friend and I’m glad Neil has his bestie outside of the monsters.

4. Nicky and Neil. Okay hear me out - when I think about Nicky and Neil I just pretend the eden incident didn’t exist bc I can excuse a lot, especially in fiction, but sexual assault is never on the list. So I made the choice to pretend it didn’t happen (i mean the books also pretend it didn’t happen lmao). And when you see them outside of the incident, they were pretty nice. I think Nickys cheerful personality helped to loosen the tension in the team (and monsters group). I loved when Nicky flooded Neils notifications so Neil wouldn’t flinch about them anymore. I also feel like Nicky played a big role in Neils growth. Like telling him to think about more stuff besides exy. Making Neil realize he has friends now. All that stuff.

5. Andrew and Renee. I just love how they’re sparring partners and understand each other so well, that they were the jogging team where they talk about possible zombie outbreaks.

6. Kevin and Jean. They didn’t have much screen time in the aftg series and I haven’t read the tsc yet, but their relationship intrigued me. This one I could possibly even ship romantically since they are so bittersweet that I just wish to save their ending. they formed a bond so deep but yet so scarred that it’s unexplainable.

7. Allison and Renee. I love them. I love how after Seth died, Renee took care of Allison. They just seem so fitting and I’m still shook they weren’t an official thing in the books.

8. Aaron, Nicky and Andrew. The fact that Nicky took care of the twins when he was barely an adult himself is just very precious.

9. Wymack and Neil. Honestly I could put him higher, I just forgot till now to mention wymack so he’s here. The scene at the end of the kings men where Neil asks for wymacks help is just stuck with me for life.

10. Kevin and Wymack. The fact that Wymack is Kevins father surprised me at first but then it made sense? When Kevin said that his father watches all his games I was ready to shed a tear.

[golden-bubblebee]

Bubbles watches SPN pt5? Annotations throughout the episodes.

Season 2

Series 2 breaking my heart right out of the gates huh

Dean Kill count: 4

I mean how even, bestie we have only just reached series 2

Omg sams acting during this scene is phenomonal

The relief on his face oh my lord it made me cry

JOHN YOU FUCKING LYING PIECE OF SHIT OF A DICKWAD

Did John Bitchester trade his life for Deans

Jup. Jup he did

What crazy fucked up child smiles at the clown standing in the garden staring at her in the middle of the night

It got long. Get readmored

GIRL WTF??? STRANGER DANGER?? (Small child let's clown into her house)

more thoughts. now this isn't always the case but very often um hitting someone is a taught behaviour, right. But um Dean hits Sam a couple of times and you can argue that this is because they live quite a violent life. but there's a theme, the things they fight always fight back, it is always violent towards them. but we see Dean hits Sam a couple of times when he's not being physically violent when they re just having an argument so um theory John bichester also beat the shit out of a dean

Jo! You cant be angy at them bc of the sins of the father

Because Dean and Sam are the main characters you get very used to them and their banter and so it becomes very familiar

meaning that now in the next episode when I got to see the intro where Dean is holding hostages?? My first reaction was literally to laugh and go 'oh dean what did you get yourself into this time'

SAMMY IS A CHRISTIAN???

Sometimes you learn things abt a man

Like a daily prayer, this guy?

SAMMY WTF

🎶my daddy shot your daddy in the head🎶

Why do they keep saying 'waste' instead of 'kill'

Dean death count:5

Welp nvm

HOW DID BOBBY KNOW SO QUICK???? (That Sam was possesed, I'm guessing)

I love that in this episode they basically called Bobby over to be their Dad

KATE??

Kate from teenwolf is abt to get killed

Thats great catharsis

And ofcourse the bitch dont die

John shouldve been killed so much sooner so bobby could raise em instead

Oh man I fucking love Madison (werewolf girlie)

I need her to be part of the gang

No

Nuhu

No no no

Im crying

I dont like this episode

Nono (werewolf girlie had to die)

YOU CANT MAKE DEAN CRY

ISNT MY BOY HURTING EBOUGH YET

No wtf

Dont hurt my boys like this

Wtffff

There better be Maddison lives ABO fics out there

I need this guy to have a sweet lovung gf

I mean, he has good puppy dog eyes for suffering and painBut like, the guy smiles real cute too yk

Yk. Them breaking in to get themselves arrestet is very funny and all until you remember that the fbi have a frigging open case on dean

IM SORRY IM IN PAIN AGAIN

You are telling me that Deans biggest wish is that their dad never went demon hunting and thus never got them ended up in this life

Oh my fucking god the mom is going to be alive isnt she

Bunbun (my friend) I dont like this show it hurts me more often than merlin did

Dean hahahah this man has no tact

No im sorry his exitement to mown a lawn is actually heartbtreaking

It shows how severely he lacked normalcy and how deeply he craves it

Another thought

The. Fact. That. John. Is. Still. Dead. In. Deans. Ideal. World.

*War flashbacks* (my fellow AFTG fans will understand)

His impact on the wolrd😭😭😭

No Bunbun help I literally -sobbed-

When dean is talking to johns grave 'why do I have to be the hero. Does mom not deserve her life? Doed sammy not deserve to be happy?'

Sam slaugher count: 1

Gotta love that the literal demon from hell says 'im proud of ya' more often than their own father does

Love that NOBODY is surprised the guy crawled out of hell (john bitchester)

[rikomoriyama01]

AFTG tfc ch1 Re Read by cavan

(i do not remember any details so its almost like im reading it first time lmao) tumblr does not give me read more cut off option so deal with this i guess sorry #CavanrereadAFTG if you need to block it chapter 1 "She'd beat him to the hell and back if she saw him sitting around and mopping like that" is quite violent way to phrase "she woudl be displeased to see him .." so was neil casually beaten by his mom or we only on page 4 of neil backed up trauma management and im already thinking about scene where this boy will finally brek open and admit how much he wants normal life and not having to hide his emotions and you know live a little without this whole batman personal covering his face already hit by brain made connection about how exy is what took rikos life away from him and how it's the thing that kept neil alive through the worst of his here i am making it about this little cunt already but what else were you expecting of me?

learning new things about English language always nice! neil "its cool my mom died i can finally stay in one place for a bit" how had this boy not murdered this woman himself is beyond me fr ,, please go away" neil wymack already adopted you just haven't got the adoption papers yet I wonder if Janie Smalls is taller than Andrew Minyard "her best friend found her bleeding out" okay but - who is Janie's best friend is it one of foxes? what if it's seth ? Makes sense for it to be seth nvm friend explained to me that potential recruit means she was not at palmetto at the time " Typical of a fox " see riko would make amazing fox that's boy self destructive af in all of my head cannons

broadening my vocab nice nice Notorious for their tiny size i know it's bc there only 9 of them but i will stay believing it is bc everyone is short math time, had not seen kevin in 8 years neil is 18-19 now so he was 10 ok will remember Neil: i need to be very sneaky about my past wymack: do you need a pen? neil: i can't play for you because you signed kevin day wymack: ....... ??????? I LOVE HOW ANDREW WAY TO SAY HI IS FUCKING CRUSHING NEILS LUNGS AGAINST HIS SPINE ????? forgot how radioactive they are bc of how cute they are welp things align riko broke kevins hand andrew beat up neils internal organs for no reason at all! i love when all my ships are fucked up

assailant here is the word i keep using but spelling "assultant" lmao , man im learning so much ,, Andrew was blamed for kevins recent transfer" - kandrew is strong with this one ppl in universe just assumed kevin fell in love on first sight and they ARE RIGHT

i cant tell if im here to study cannon or english but like i know what those words mean but i don't know their definitions does that make sense? OH THIS IS SO CUTE I WILL DRAW THIS FUCK YES LETS GO he slammed motherfucker with his own racket dfghsdjfhgg Hernandez is literary the only normal person over the course of those 3 books andrew *assults someone as hello* wymack: Andrew's a bit raw on manners / my dude with this reading speed it will take me half year to go through those books but im having actually a lot of fun here neil: i already said i can not sign with you wymack:OK BUT YOU STILL NEED TO EXPLAIN WHY KEVIN DAY IS THE ISSUE HERE did kevin heard it lmoa i wonder if kevin heard the ,, do you need a pen - YoU sIgNeD KeViN DaY no wonder kevin was bitch to neil he thought the lil bitch hated him on the start lmao Andrew was only here because Kevin day never went anywhere alone here you go with your raven programming <3 YEARS SINCE THEY'D WATCHED NEIL'S FATHER CUT A SCREAMING MAN INTO HUNDRED BLOODY PIECES Kevin / Dark hair and green eyes, black number 2 neil saw that number and wanted to retch He and his adopted brother Riko Moriyama wrote the numbers one and two on their faces with markers, tracing them over and over anytime they started to fade. ok so were they drawing their own numbers? it sound like kevin was drawing his number too also this is the only mention i think of riko being reffered to as kevin,s brother in the books anyway I have case to make assuming kevin and riko were doing those numbers form young age pre 10 ... it just makes sense the system they use would be Arabic not roman i just can't imagine small kids knowing roman numbers when they were neglected in nest i think this is best case i can make for it. friend provided proof that in book the four tattoo neil get's is introduced as "4" so ok arabic canon moving on Riko nad Kevin were inducted to national court 1 year pre aftg story starts They were champions and neil was a jumble of lies and dead-ends on one hand it's funny how desperate they all are to sign neil on other hand i deeply believe they just see the desperation in his eyes, we know that neil wants it and those contact lenses do not hide it , they know that he wants to say yes, they are just confused about what the fuck makes him say no (kevin's bitchiness) or at least i would make this be the case if neil didn't just got assaulted and if they didn't literary phrased it as ,, we are not living without you signing this" like .. kidnapping with extra steps much ???? playing like he has everything to lose is not excuse for you all to harass this poor man like that OK HOLD ON A SECOND "He'd remember the scrimmage interrupted by that man's murder"

what man what murder the man nathan butchered for them? did nathan murdered someone during game?

WHAT HAPPENED

the moment kevin would start looking at him funny- he already is ngl im only on page 12 and i just hate neils mom i have no phrasing for it but the fact that every choice neil could make for his happiness is meet with ,, mom would be sooo mad" is really frustrating to read about... what is the point of even being alive for this boy fr???? i wonder if theres any specific place they would have been safe it? kind of would be fun to have au where neil and his mom go to japan and end up getting protection form yakuza F BOMB 1 F BOMB 2 COMBO fuck i love those characters so much okay like all of them It's about second chances, Neil. Second, third, fourth, whatever, as long as you get at least one more than what anyone else wanted to give you"

David "idealistic idiot" Wymack wymacks sincerity is what lets foxes trust him , wymack is the first adult in their lives that understands Savge yank of her hands in his hair here we go fuck he has so much guilt over trying to live a little this is so un fair "I'm sorry"he gasped out between wet coughs. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry"

[lyndiscealin]

💫💥🎙️

Oh, I want to cry. If my memory doesn't betray me, you are the first one who ever asked me about such a game 🥺 Thank you so much!!!! ♥♥♥♥

Okay, let's see:

💫what is your favorite kind of comment/feedback?

That's a bit tricky. I love every comment, but I would lie if I said that I like every comment the same. Talking about this is tricky because I don't want to make anyone think that their kind of comment is not appreciated.

But comments who really make my day are when people get a bit unhinged. When they scream and cry and tell me how much they love my stuff. The more words the better 😂 I crave attention like water in a desert.

If it's one of my deeper fics about asexuality or trauma, I love to see people discover stuff about themselves through that or when they feel understood and represented. Helping people is one of my passions and when I can do that through my writing, that totally makes my day.

I also love when people share their emotions they felt while reading my texts with me. Sometimes I'm sad that a lot of people (me included by the way) don't have the courage to comment how hot and bothered they got because of smut scenes. I would really like to hear if my one PWP (that accidentally got a lot of plot als backstory that isn't written yet) fic was any good. I feel the pacing was too far off to make anyone feel anything, but I am usually wrong about my own perceptions on my writing 😂

So in conclusion: i love a lot of compliments, helping people and make people feel things. And I love to hear about that.

💥find your least kudos'd fic - say something wonderful about it.

Oh yeah, my musical AU: https://archiveofourown.org/works/43540101

This flopped spectacularly and it makes me a bit sad because I love the idea of an AFTG Musical XD But well, writing musicals in book form is kind of impossible, so I see why it didn't work.

I stand by it, though and I will probably continue it. I can't wait to write the first meeting between Andrew and Neil from the first book chapter. Imagine Kevin and Wymack trying to serenade Neil to join the foxes while Andrew is idly spinning his exy stick in the background to the beat of the music (or probably totally off beat fully on purpose)

But that's not the fic I linked, that's just the next part. The first part is two boys feeling alone in the world, not knowing that there is indeed someone out there who matches their needs. And I love the thought that both of them longed for someone who would understand them and both of them thinking that there would never be anyone. I love the song I chose for this, it reflects those feelings perfectly.

And I find it funny that the song is most likely about an apocalypse or something?

I have the absolut talent to hear a song and interprete it in a completely batshit way. For me it is about living in a world full of people and feeling like there is absolutely no one. Searching memories about full streets and houses but all the people are missing. It's hard to explain. I think this fic is a perfect example that I like to see stuff in songs that I am not supposed to see in them XD

🎙️which one of your fics would you like someone to make a pod-fic of?

Absolutely every single one XD It's such an honor if someone makes a pod-fic out of my stuff. I don't care which it is, just go for it. I would love it to bits!

If I have to choose one, then probably 'The Reaper' because that's one of the few that are actually beta read and I am extremely proud of it. Another one would be 'When we were younger' but there are tumblr posts in there with hastags and everything. That's probably a bit much.

But as i said.. whatever one anyone might choose to pod-fic, I would feel so immensely honored 🥰

[bloody-wonder]

just some thoughts on aftg, aspec rep & acephobia

so last weekend i went to my first pride and it’s strange to think that i wouldn’t be here now, identifying as queer and understanding much more about myself, without aftg. i mean, i guess i would’ve found out about the ace spectrum sooner or later but i don’t think i’d have realized i’m on it if i hadn’t met neil and experienced this story through his pov. which is why in this post i want to address the so-called acephobic scenes in aftg and how they factor into aftg as a book with aspec rep.

the scenes in question are basically some casual comments made by aftg characters about neil’s love life (or rather absence thereof), most notably nicky repeatedly refusing to acknowledge that neil doesn’t “swing”. i don’t want to list them all bc i’ve seen other people do it already, and although these fans are doing the lord’s educational work out there, in all the instances when i’ve seen these posts they seem to imply that aftg is acephobic either for featuring these comments in the first place or for not having the characters who made them explicitly called out by the story. this made me think about why i wouldn’t prefer it any other way.

so the first argument i just want to dismiss out of hand bc it’s kinda childish - having x-phobic statements in a book doesn’t automatically make this book x-phobic. besides, nora is aroace and although people can have internalized phobias of their own identites i don’t think that’s the case here. moving on to the second argument which is “you’re only allowed to have x-phobic comments in your book if the narrative explicitly frames them as wrong, for example by having the characters who made them be punished or learn to do better”. i can see where this one is coming from and yet it still reminds me of a first grader picture book storytelling formula. 

when i read aftg for the first time, even without knowing anything about the ace spectrum i still perceived these comments as wrong. during subsequent re-reads, after a bit of research and self-discovery, i undetstood why exactly they seemed wrong to me but i’ve only ever felt good about them being there bc they showcase vividly what it feels like to be subjected to casual acephobia in day-to-day life. and it has never even occured to me that these scenes might be harmful on the meta-level just bc the story doesn’t draw out attention to them and say “kids don’t do this, this is wrong” in a stern voice.

however, i do understant that the purpose of these lines can go over many (most?) readers’ heads or be misconstrued by them - just bc they aren’t in the know about the ace agenda. that’s why i think it’s important to write fandom meta about them. no one can know everything all the time and it’s okay to rely on other more knowledgeable people for additional information. but the question is, should this educational work instead be done by the book itself? is it a moral obligation of authors to put disclaimers before any potentially controversial scene lest some readers think the book normalizes problematic behaviours? does aftg normalize acephobia bc at no point in the story do the foxes learn about asexuality and apologize to neil? i guess you can tell from my tone that i believe the answers are no, no and no. but that’s only bc, for better or for worse, i have faith in human intellect and critical thinking skills.

since i started identifying as aroace, i’ve read several other books with aspec rep. one thing some of them have in common - with each other but not with aftg - is that labels are used on page, typically in conversations where the aspec character has to explain to the others what all of this means using phrases like “oh it’s when you don’t feel sexual attraction to any person of any gender”. and i don’t want to criticize these books or imply in any way that they do aspec rep wrong, to each their own, but i must confess, when i imagine myself from two years ago reading such a book with an ace character who feels more like a wikipedia entry, i just go hmm,, okay ://

by contrast, with neil you don’t know that he’s on the ace spectrum unless you know. neither the characters nor the readers are owed an explanation or a label by him. neil just exists, he lives out his identity, his aceness is in everything he is and does - and you either get it or you don’t. it’s like an inside joke, the kind that would only be spoiled by explaining it. 

[kevindayscrown]

Why Kevin Day is the most in-depth character in the All For the Game series

An essay by a Kevin stan, so you know it's at least 70% biased

Hello, hello everyone, welcome to another session of me, brainwashing you about the amazingness of Kevin Day. In this short essay, I'll discuss how our number Queen asshole striker is, in fact, not just a whiney bitch, but one of the most key characters in the AFTG series. I'll also discuss how Nora pretty much did him dirty and how much I appreciate the fandom for doing him better.

I've decided that it will be much easier to take things chronologically, so I can delve deeper into what makes Kevin the character whose stans won't shut up about.

Unlike the rest of the characters in the series, Kevin started off in a somewhat stable family condition. He was brought up by his mother, Kayleigh, but still probably had to live with the title 'Son of Exy' from the moment he was born. We've all witnessed what being on the spotlight from a young age has done to child stars. Kevin, upon growing up, would start feeling the burden of a whole legacy created by his mother. Because Exy, despite being a bastard sport, has a large fanbase around the US, and possibly further - since it's mentioned that it's also an Olympic sport.

It wouldn't be a surprise that Kevin more than likely looked up to his mother and wanted to play Exy for her. Suddenly though, Keyleigh died in a car accident (if it was even a car accident; knowing the Moriyamas, it could had been done on purpose) and left Kevin in the care of Tetsuji Moriyama, the head of one of the yakuza's branches, and his now adoptive brother Riko.

Let's be honest, both of them were just kids. They only had each other, so it was really easy to get attached. Kevin has lost his mother at this point and Tetsuji is not exactly a proper father figure, so Kevin had to cling on Riko. Despite us seeing him in the main timeline being an asshole who snaps at everyone, his willingness to submit into the position of 'number 2' even if he's better than Riko, shows how much he depends emotionally on people. Riko and Kevin had to meet certain expectations, had fans from a very young age, and Neil even mentions that he literally witnessed Kevin grow up from media outlets and coverages. Kevin had to stick close to the only other person who's going through the same thing.

As a result, it was easy for Kevin to focus on what he's taught to believe; he should aim for the stars, he should be good, great, but never the best. Because Riko is the best. Kevin accepts that.

I hate how people call him a spineless coward just because someone mentions it once in the book. Kevin isn't like Neil. Neil was given a chance to escape. Kevin could never escape Evermore. Even if he did consider it his home, he was still abused on a daily basis. Riko mentions in Raven King, when he's about to torture Neil, that Neil is basically in the same position as Kevin once had been:

People forget that, Kevin probably had to live through what Neil did ever since Riko turned into his fucked up self. Which literally means years of physical and mental abuse, with no hope of escape but the bright future he had ahead of him. So what did Kevin do? He focused on playing.

Stop making Kevin all about being an Exy freak or an alcoholic. Kevin was so obsessed with Exy because it's the only thing he has ever known. He probably couldn't even drink before he escaped Evermore.

Imagine being torn between loving and clinging on the boy you once called brother because it's the only family you've known, and being hurt by him, again and again at a later age, having him shatter all you think you are good at. Riko didn't just break Kevin's hand. He almost took away from him all he thought he had left, and possibly the only way Kevin had of feeling close to his mother.

Kevin loses all he's ever known, and he blames himself for it at first because he thinks it's his fault that he even dared to show he could be better than Riko. He's in pieces and the only thing he does is to cling yet on another person. Aka Andrew. And somehow like this, we come back to the point about Kevin not only being far from an emotionless asshole, but actually being the most emotionally attached character in the series.

Entering the timeline of the books, Kevin appears as the epitome of a narcissistic asshole. It's fair for someone (as a reader) to not like him at first, when we don't know all that much about him. But as the story unravels, a clear distinction is made:

Kevin is not a narcissist. He's egocentric.

Kevin knows and truly believes he's the center of attention. Because, admittedly, he is. The books could had easily had Kevin as the protagonist. Like mentioned before, being raised on the spotlight, has had a tremendous impact on how he sees himself. He's obsessed with what image he's presenting to the public. I don't think he said 'being heterosexual is easier' without a reason. Kevin has led a life full of suppression. He can flash a 'press smile' for the cameras, he can snap and be cold at the Foxes, when in reality, he's suffering from severe PTSD, with panic attacks that he's handling in the worst way possible:

Alcohol. Why? Because the Foxes are all assholes and hypocrites. Don't get me wrong, I love them. But the fact that they just ignored Kevin everytime he had a panic attack and simply thrusted a bottle of vodka his way and called it a day? Inexcusable. Kevin needed a lot more than that.

Oh jeez, I wonder why he didn't tell Wymack he was his father all along.

If I see another person saying that Kevin was an ass for not telling Wymack straight up, I might slap a bitch. Do you think that Kevin would have been able to handle another rejection, another loss of a parental figure? All he did, was in self defense. Yes, it was selfish, but it was probably the only time in his life he could really make a choice on his own.

But you know what? Kevin overcame all this. Maybe and most probably not completely, he will never be able to wash away some stains, but he became more confident and emotionally independent. He detached himself both from Riko and from Andrew, and became the best striker in the history of Exy.

One of the reasons why I love Neil and Kevin - especially Kevin - is because their healing journeys are more fleshed out than Andrew's. But in this case, Kevin's was not really given the attention it deserved, it happened on the side lines and he had to do it alone. Neil had the foxes, had Wymack and Andrew. Kevin had no one, because the foxes, despite being assholes themselves, kept dismissing him and his problems. I really do believe that, in the first drafts when Kandreil was canon, Nora had potentially explored his character more. I wish we had gotten that instead of this sloppy attempt to squeeze in his ark along with Neil's.

I'll end this with some highlights that also showcase how badass Kevin is. He's a mess, but he does grow some spine when he finally becomes his own person:

Oof, if you actually read through this, thank you for tolerating my probably incoherent thoughts. I actually barely scratched the surface of my thoughts on Kevin's character but for now, this will do.

[sylverivy]

This post is about AFTG so all the usual warnings apply. If you want me to put any more warnings in the tags, TELL ME I will add them/change them.

Mandatory disclaimer that these are just my thoughts on the books. Of course we're all going to have different opinions so please respect others' opinions.

@bloody-wonder sorry this is late, school happened.

This is in response to all the recent posts which have been 'cancelling' Nora over things found in the books/extra content.

Some of the main things that have popped up as being 'wrong' or 'too dark' are

- Andrew and Roland having a sexual based relationship whilst Andrew was underage.

-Andrew never smiling in the future.

-Andrew and Neil never getting married or saying 'I love you' in the future.

Etc. Basically the general consensus amongst like half the Fandom is that AFTG is 'too dark'.

And let me tell you something

It's

Supposed

To

Be

Dark-

That

Is

The

Point

Think about the Foxes backstories - sexual abuse, physical abuse, drug abuse and lord knows what else. Of course the series is going to be 'dark', they're 'dark' subjects which come up pretty heavily throughout the books.

Of course there's going to be things that are 'wrong', abuse is wrong. Regardless of circumstances, it's wrong. Abusers are wrong, regardless of circumstances. And when a child grows up in an abusive environment, of course they are going to do things that are seen as 'wrong' by the majority of society.

And people who read the books complain about them being 'wrong' and 'too dark'. Which, once again;

Is

The

Point

Because abuse is never 'light', it is never sparkles and butterflies and healing rapidly in order to be an 'upstanding' member of society. So when you complain about the series being too 'dark' and 'wrong' and think that it should be 'lighter'; think about all the children who were in those situations.

Because the books are based on something, what they are based on I do not know, but what I do know for sure is that there are people out there who have been in situations that are like the Foxes', in situations that are worse.

So we shouldn't blame the author for it being too wrong or too dark. Think about what that means to people who are in the same situations or worse. Think about what they take out of people saying those things. Think about what caused Nora to write something so 'dark'.

Sure, you're allowed not to like the series or the characters but, don't go after the author due to it. She wrote a story that contains 'dark' elements that are 'wrong'. I do see that but you may see it as 'dark' and 'problematic' but think about those who don't see it as 'dark'. Think about why they don't see it as 'dark'.

Think about the fact that some people may see it as 'light'. Think about why.

Usually when I read 'darker' books the thing that strikes me the most is not how 'dark' they are but rather how 'light'.

For example, the abusee does get hurt by their parents. But then they have enough courage to tell an adult, they get help, the abuser goes in jail, they go to therapy and magically become an upstanding member of society.

I am not saying that milder abuse is less important, because it is just as valid and important as the more serious kind but, real life isn't like that. In real life you're too terrified to tell because of the consequences. You know the abuser won't go to jail because there isn't enough evidence. You know there is no way of you getting help. And even if you do manage it, you know there's a very high chance of it not working, of never being what is seen as 'okay' as society, of always having to pretend so you can lead a 'normal' life. You know that what you have now is better than what you'll have if you tell (Andrew with Cass).

In real life you're Andrew. And in real life it can be worse.

So when I see 'darker than dark' stories like AFTG my main thoughts aren't of horror and of how dark the series and characters are but rather of hope. Because they all got out, they got a chance to improve, and yet they're not okay. But it's okay. You don't need to be okay.

Another thing that AFTG would be good for normalisation. Not of abuse, because abuse should never be normalized but rather how it affects people and how they cope. Like I said before, recovering from abuse is never pretty. It is not like what Renee becomes - a magically positive human being - but rather like Andrew - someone who is seen as 'broken' and 'wrong' by the rest of society. Someone who is still being hurt but is coping.

Someone who has survived and is trying to live but is criticised for doing so. Do I think some of Andrew's action are wrong? Yes. Do I understand why he does them, what drove him to do all of those things? Yes. Will I go after the author for them? No.

Andrew is someone who will never be 'okay' according to society's standards. And I think that's one of the best things about the books. Because it normalises that people are not going to be 'okay' and magically be like Renee, Dan or any of the upperclassmen. It normalises that it's okay to not be okay, it's okay to be like that. It's okay to be a 'Monster'.

One major thing that people were hung up about is Andrew and Neil never saying 'I love you'. But I don't see the problem with it. Because for me 'I love you' is years of pain and Love is giving someone food when they seem hungry. It is silently helping them when they're struggling. It is staying by their side even when they are acting 'wrong'. It is making jokes about dark things because the alternative is a mental breakdown and tears. Love is knowing when to Stop, when to Go and where to go. And I know that for Andrew it could be the same.

Another thing that came up was Andrew never smiling. But, once again, that doesn't bother me. I can tell that Andrew probably associates his smiles with the year of mania the drugs put him on. I know that happiness isn't always smiles but rather smaller gestures like giving someone an exasperated look when they're being funny. I know that sometimes smiles bring pain instead of happiness.

So in conclusion, for those who see the series as 'dark', think about the fact that real life is often darker. For those who don't, remember that the road to recovery is long and bumpy and you may not ever be 'okay'. But that's okay.

And for all of you, remember that quite a few people see themselves in the characters and in the story. Remember that people looked at the darkness and saw hope and acceptance. Remember why.

Remember that the story is just that - a story. A story that is about real life events which are 'dark' and 'wrong' and as such the story is going to be so too. Remember that books don't always reflect what the author believes is right/whatever and stop going after Nora.

[foxeshaveclaws]

When I know the time is right for me--An AFTG Headcanon

This is for @thebashfulpoet for the @aftgexchange! I wanted to make this a full fic but with life I knew I couldnt do it justice, so have a 1.4k long headcanon soulmate AU! I really hope you enjoy it! <3 (also, i deffo stole the title from “I Have A Dream” by ABBA which is REALLY funny once u read it, trust me)

Imagine a soulmate AU where you share dreams as long as you are both asleep and dreaming at the same time

The first time Andrew and Neil meet it's when they are little kids,around 6 or 7. Neil is sitting on a swing set in a park and Andrew just shows up and is like “what are you doing?” and Neil just goes “swingin” and Andrew gets so upset at this weird auburn haired boy that he wakes himself up out of sheer spite.

That's pretty much how it goes over the next few years.

They meet in dreams and have short conversations but both of them kind of refuse to talk about themselves, so they spend a lot of time just sitting in the park swinging together. They don't exchange names even and when they talk, it's only about the small things. If pressed, Andrew might admit that it isn't terrible.

One night, a few years after their first dream meeting, Neil mentions Exy. Andrew had only heard of it once before but the other boy knows a lot about it so Andrew just lets him talk and talk about it until they both wake up. It's……..nice to listen to Neil talk. Andrew doesn't hate it.

That was the last time they met in their dreams for a long time.

Neil stopped dreaming for the most part when he and his mother were on the run. It was too stressful and very rarely did he ever sleep deeply enough to dream. Andrew was getting shuffled between homes and then, once he started living with the Spears, he stopped sleeping all together. 

It had been so long that when they saw each other, they didn't even recognize each other. How could you recognize someone when the last time you saw them was when you were a little kid? Besides, Andrew has essentially sworn off soulmates. He doesn't see the point in them, not anymore.

Even after Neil moves to Palmetto, he doesn't dream. He’s too keyed up, too on guard to sleep well and at this point, soulmates and dreams are the last thing on his mind. He doesn't even really think about them at all until Nicky brings it up during practice and mentions the fact that he’s soulmates with Erik and how Dan and Matt are soulmates and wondered if Neil knew anything about his soulmate and Neil just kind of shrugs and says that he hasn't really dreamt since he was a little kid. Yet another instance of Neil breaking the Foxes hearts  

A few days later, after their first official game of the season, Neil and Andrew are both so tired and worn out from the game that they dream again. It's the same park and swing set from when they were small . Andrew sees Neil and he once again gets so Angry that he wakes himself up out of spite.

The next day is Kathy’s show and when they get on the bus, Andrew’s eyes bore into Neil’s back but Neil just ignores it until they eventually drift away.

They don't talk about it, not yet. 

After Seth’s death, they both stop dreaming again.

It fluctuates like that throughout the rest of the school year, up until winter break. The meds they give Andrew at Easthaven puts him in such a deep sleep that he has no choice but to dream but they morph all of his dreams into nightmares. When Neil finally gets back to Palmetto, he dreams for the first time while sleeping on Wymack’s couch. The dream they share there is…….strange. The park that they meet at is morphed and shifted into something weird and horrible but Neil and Andrew are untouched. And for the first time, Neil and Andrew talk about it. Neil doesn't have his bruises but even in the dream his hair is auburn and his eyes are blue. Andrew asks him why and Neil skirts around explaining exactly why but he does ask if Andrew is safe. Andrew avoids answering that question but they both know that he won't be truly safe for a while longer, until he's back with Neil and the rest of the Foxes.

The next time they dream together is when Andrew gets back from Easthaven. It comes after the iconic pipedream conversation and Andrew tries to point out that Neil is literally a dream to him. Neil steals the cigarette that Andrew is smoking out of his hand and they are both startled by the fact that they can touch in the dreams.

Their rooftop conversations slowly fade into dream conversations. They sit on the swing in the dream and talk as they dream, along with staying up on the rooftop (when do these fuckers actually rest?)

Andrew tells Neil about his fear of heights. That night, in exchange, Neil explains why they are always in a park in their dreams “It was my safe space as a child. No parents to hurt you in public at a park. And I liked swinging.”

From there, things continue as canon says (i rlly like canon compliant AU’s i'm so sorry lol)

Up until---- Neil’s suddenly kidnapped.

He's taken and tortured and it's nasty but when he is drugged and forced to fall asleep, something strange happens. He dreams.

Meanwhile, Andrew freaks out when he cannot find Neil and he eventually tries to strangle Kevin. After Andrew gets calm down and the Foxes begin the trek to various hospitals to find everyone else, Andrew gets in idea. 

He goes to sleep in the back of the bus and as he falls asleep, he gets as close to praying as someone like Andrew can. He falls asleep and the miraculous happens. He dreams.

In the dream, Neil doesn't yet have the scars Lola gave him but he still manages to look shitty. Immediately upon seeing him, Andrew asks Neil where he is and Neil answers as truthfully as he can but he knows what's going to happen next. He finally tells Andrew the truth, the full truth. And Neil is as happy as he can be because he gets to tell Andrew goodbye this time. A true and real goodbye and it's heartbreaking. Andrew refuses the goodbye and promises Neil that he’ll see him again. 

Neil doesn't believe him but he smiles and they kiss for what feels like the last time. Neil wakes up mid-kiss and Andrew is left holding nothing but air. 

Andrew wakes up and runs to explain to Wymack where Neil is. At this point they have picked up all of the other Foxes from the ER and this, THIS is where the Foxes find out that Neil and Andrew are soulmates </3 (oof)

Wymack calls the cops, who in turn tip off the FBI and confirms what the FBI and the Hatfords already kinda knew. But this time, Stuart knows going in that Neil is there and is able to get there sooner. They still have to go through with the plan they do in the book but they got there just a little bit sooner and was able to make it so Neil didn't get detoured straight through the FBI.

They have their reunion in the hospital instead and it's a funny sight, all of these Exy players jammed into a single hospital room, trying desperately to see this little fucker. Andrew pushes himself in first and Andrew tears Neil a new one for trying to really say goodbye to him via dreams and just clutches him tightly. Neil apologizes again for that and promises to never do it again. 

The FBI still tries to get Neil to join Witness Protection but they don't have much of a leg to stand on because Neil just tells them that his soulmate will find him. They let him change his name and they take his statement and story, but he gets to leave with the Foxes. He gets to go home with them.

After that, things stick with the rest of TKM. Eventually, when Andrew graduates and goes on to play professionally and then Neil follows and they are forced to go long distance, they find solitude in their dreams and they spend their nights and midday naps together in dreamland.

And even when they are finally able to live together, they still dream together.

[queerbra-rian]

REVIEW ; ALL FOR THE GAME SERIE - By. NORA SAKAVIC

------

⚠ Trigger Warning : The book talk about lot of drug use, of overdosing, underage drinking, loss of a loved one, suicide, there's also mention of cutting, drugging someone, jokes about rape, physical abuse, talk of past parental abuse, ableist insults, homophobic slurs (the f word), and use of the r word. Be aware of this before reading. It’s also as spoiler free as it can be.

Genre: YA, Contemporary, sports, fiction, gangster, romance, mlm,

Pages:

1) 237 (book 1)

2) 423 (book 2)

3) 556 (book 3)

Rating: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

All for the Game is a 2013 book series by Nora Sakavic. The story revolves around the Palmetto State Foxes, an NCAA Exy team with the main plot being centered around Neil Josten, a kid on the run from his mob boss father. It is primarily a sports story and follows a storyline typical of the genre—with added drugs, violence, and gangsters.

Main character Neil Josten is in hiding, on the run from his mob boss father. He's a Consummate Liar who's just trying to lie low, but when he plays Exy for his latest high school, he somehow catches the attention of David Wymack, head coach of a Class I college team. He shouldn't say yes to the offer, but he does—and is instantly plunged into a world of tangled relationships, shady deals, lots of violence, and The Power of Friendship.

The series consists of three books:

The Foxhole Court

The Raven King

The King's Men

---

REVIEW:

Oh man. Where do I start with this. Probably with the beggining as to why do I read the all for the game serie, since its a 2013 novel ? Because well, I saw it plastered everywhere since day one on instagram. And the curious side of me wanted to dive deeper into it. At first, I wasn't sure about it and would gladly skip it, because gangster story and sports wasn't at all my thing (mind y'all that I now have 3 sports + lgbt YA book yet to read in my tbr since I've started TFC) but what a mistake ! I now consider myself a fox, even bought the paperback copies (lol I know) and I ship a lot of thing in that book. For this review though, i'll try and go as spoiler free as I can.

First of all, I love Exy. Even tho it doesn't make any sense at all, as a sport itself, I found myself imagining everything perfectly. Like imagine LaCrosse, but with hockey's violent part and that is amazing. That's how I pictured Exy and that's how I would play it. But let's put that aside in favor of talking about the cast. What I have to say first is that I didn't know you could put so much side story in a book without it being too much ! Every or so key character got their own moment of glory through the serie and that's amazing. You could believe the whole plot would be centered around Neil Josten, as the synopsis is implying, but no! it became from time to time more a snippet of the other of the team and man that is story telling and character developpement at its finest.

I won't lie, my first impression of the book would have been, as I saw a lot of fantastic fanart that would imply it, that Neil and Andrew would fall in love together in the cheekiest way possible and then they would be okay together and live happily ever after, but how I was wrong and how I ship it ! I want more story with a clingy but not so much relationship ! (But maybe not centered around abuse, because that suck).

Anyway, I will try to summarize everything in less than an actual book and start with the main plot. It's actually an awful start of a plot, since we talk about a runaway child being signed in the worst team of the Class I exy team. (And the fuck how they magically start to win everything after Neil arrival and despite everything that happen to them between the three books. How do they do that ?! ) then come into the equation the Edgar Allan's Raven. A whole team of archnemesis to the Foxes. Dun dun Duuunn !

For most part, Exy is useless for the main plot and just an unpleasant distraction from the important part, which is Riko Moriyama being an assbutt and Kevin Day a crybaby. Okay no. They are, but it's far more complicated than that. The more I wrote down that review, the more I realise that the plot is sh*t, but what makes this story interesting is the craving to know what the fuck is happening, from this constant need to believe that the love affair between Neil and Andrew is going to end in something completly different that the unholy thing it is in the first few half of the two first book. (We are far from this bullcrap of hater to lover rag, since it's more about Andrew and Neil’s relationship is based around physical expressions of affection and respect, as opposed to verbally lovey dovey stuff) to the need to know if one of them is going to get killed (hint; there is definitly some killing involved, this is a damn gangster story after all)

I gave it 5 stars because it got me hooked, not because that's the best story ever. Mind y'all, because AFTG serie is just like reading an AU fanfic, well kinda. But probably because of the character developement. As I said earlier in this exact review, I love how everyone has their part of the story, even Riko and Jean at some point, that are in the opposite team (the baddies). I also love how you unravel certain mystery through the books. It's not about a reckless teenager afraid of living, but about a whole group (team) being challenged by life and the weight that carry each of them.

Is it worth reading? I'd say yes, because it get better. Surprisingly, I want another book too. Just for the sake of knowing what would happen at court.

Notable quote:

“It's about second chances, Neil. Second, third, fourth, whatever, as long as you get at least one more than what anyone else wanted to give you.”

[meanminyxrd]

smokey eyes by lincoln but its andreil

i doubt anyone is going to fully read through this, but i like to song analyze. i like to take songs i find and explain why i’ve added them to my aftg playlists. this first song i’m going to “explain”, i suppose, is smokey eyes by lincoln. it’s added to neil’s playlist.

The first verse is as follows:

Smokey eyes, are you feeling good?

For now, you’re here with me

Seems like we’ve waited long enough

For someone else to make us feel complete

It’s not a bitter flavor, and it’s not a sweeter drink

I’m scared to ask you if you would do the same for me

at the beginning of whatever this thing with andrew is, neil believes that he is not important at all to andrew. he thinks that andrew doesn’t care as much as he himself does. but he’s okay with that; he’s gonna die by the end of the year anyways, so might as well have a good time. but still, it hurts. ‘are you feeling good?’—he wants to make andrew happy like andrew makes him feel happy. he wants to make andrew feel safe like andrew makes him feel safe. and for fucks sake, they HAVE waited long enough to feel happy and complete. they haven’t had anything like… THIS… their whole lives. and what they have, it isnt stereotypically sweet, but it isn’t in any means bad or bitter. it works out for them, and that’s what matters. and he cares so much about andrew that it hurts, it almost tears him apart to suddenly care about anyone but himself, but he doesnt think andrew cares back and is too scared to ask.

Smokey eyes; that’s your name, isn’t it?

At least that’s what I call you

When I call you, do you shake the way I shake

When I call to say I’m through?

“No, I shake the way you do at shows

So people know you’re cool

Violently, but still controlled enough to screw.”

you cannot tell me neil doesn’t come up with nicknames for andrew. my favorite head canons come from when neil is sleepy and calls andrew ‘drew and i get so weak reading them. as for the shaking part, its like neil’s saying ‘if i called to end it, whatever this thing is, i would be heartbroken and shaking from the anxiety and pain of it all. would you?’ and the only answer he can imagine coming back is that andrew doesnt care, and that all he was was a cheap fuck, because in the beginning that’s all andrew dares to show.

now, after the hotel in baltimore scene, he thinks andrew cares at this point. why else would andrew have fought for him to stay? but we all know how absolutely fucking oblivious neil can be. when he’s with aaron at the cabin during their vacation, he expresses he doesn’t believe andrew would care enough to do anything drastic for him. he genuinely believes that if aaron asked andrew to drop neil, that andrew would in order to keep his promise.

cut to the chorus of the song:

So help me make amends with all my friends

Most other people are just dead ends

There’s nothing worse than making friends

again, after baltimore, he knows andrew cares, but he doesnt know what to do about it or how exactly to cope with this revelation. if andrew cares, then it can’t be that much, right? because what could neil josten, a made up character and personality, have to offer to any of the foxes? yet he needs to make amends with the foxes. they’re all he has, and leaving them would break his heart. he is basically begging andrew not to send him away, begging wymack to let him stay. he wants to make amends, and most people who he’s tried to trust have just hurt him, so they’re dead ends. he hates that he’s attached because what could be worse than getting attached? but he cares, and he wants to fix it, fix this. he knows lying to them was wrong and he thinks the foxes will shun him because he’s the son of the butcher and also the yakuza is not just after kevin but him as well. he hates that he’s attached, but he is, and he wants to fix it.

Sticky thighs, are you wild now or just a memory?

Some people want to be your friend

Some people just want to be free

And the worst thing about me is that I’m somewhere in between;

I might miss you, but I’m still trying to get clean

‘some ppl wanna be ur friend’, the upperclassmen do attempt to include andrew in things, a lot more after neil kinda coaxes them to but the same nonetheless. it’s not easy trying to include the monsters, but neil’s relationship with both “sides” of the team are important to him, so each side tries their best to at least attempt to get along. ‘some ppl just want to be free’ ie aaron. aaron wanted out of the deal but didn’t know how to really get around it. nicky wanted to be more friendly with the upperclassmen but was held back by andrew’s rules. and neil, he’s somewhere in between. he wants to be (boy)friends with andrew, but he also still has this feeling of wanting to run, to leave before andrew leaves, and when he thinks of leaving he misses andrew but he’s also just trying to do what he thinks is best for both of them.

You’ve had enough to drink

You know you’re drowning in the flavor of

Cough syrup and Vicodin

You’ve got the bitter flavor down so

Dab the sweeter drink on a napkin, then

Hold it up to your mouth so you can sleep

andrew usually doesn’t get drunk, as he states he knows his limits, but he totally does when he’s really upset and isn’t gonna be driving. for instance, after a rough game without his meds he would be rewarded with alcohol from wymack. in the author’s notes, there’s a scene where andrew goes to wymack’s apartment to talk about neil and he chugs alcohol then, too. whether he’s able to admit it or not, andrew abuses alcohol as a way to cope. this lyric, to me, alludes to the use of drugs or drinks to cope.

Quiet lies that you’re telling to

Those black and screaming skies...

I hope you’re walking around campus

Contemplating your own smallish size

This is not what all my idols told me college would be like

I hope someday you learn to take your own advice

the quiet lies are in the blank stares, the flat expressions, the mean words and obvious apathy. andrew’s apathy keeps him safe, but neil sees through it. he knows its a lie. he’s knows that there’s more to this misunderstood monster and he wants to learn all about it. he hopes that andrew is able to think about bigger things, even when neil isnt there to try and get him to. he hopes andrew isn’t as impassive as he tries to make others believe. he hopes, and truly believes, that somewhere in there, andrew cares about neil.

furthermore, college is nothing like its made out to be. college, for neil, has been both hell and heaven. he never thought he’d even end up going, let alone go to play exy of all things. andrew is always giving neil advice, but he never follows any of it himself. andrew is all about getting neil to open up to him, but is hesitant to open up as well. neil understands, but he also hopes andrew warms up to him a bit. he enjoys their trust for trust relationship and genuinely wishes that one day andrew will be okay. maybe not good, but okay. because that’s a start.

and, scene.

thank you for reading if you read this far! i’ll probably end up doing more, tbh, because i really enjoy writing these. that’s all for now, though!

[fallingin-like]

an aftg fanfic appreciation post

the other day at work i saw something about fanfiction writer appreciation day and told myself “ah i will make a post when i get home” and immediately Did Not Do That. so i’m doing it now! first, thank you to everyone who writes fanfiction! it’s such an honour to be able to read your writing and i am so grateful to the writers who spend so much time and effort into creating these stories. i do not deserve such amazing content and yet i have it. also thanks to nora for this wonderful series which has changed my life in so many ways. 

these are in no particular order. i really tried to tone down my ‘i love you so much and really want to be friends with you’ vibe but i don’t think it worked. this is a super long post and i still didn’t get to say everything i wanted to.

some  fics/series that need more love (aka they have under 350 kudos)

to the south by Morcai - this is a series (never to be caught and secret, safe, close to the door) that was really cool to read. it has elements of the Iskryne Series which i don’t know anything about, but apparently has to do with bondwolves. basically, neil has a wolfbrother who he can speak to telepathically which is written in a really unique way, through interesting phrases and scent-based nicknames for people. i’ve never read anything like these fics and i adore them

all that we see or seem by rorschachs - an inception au. need i say more? this fic flows well, has good use of flashbacks, and an amazing ending. it’s ~23,000 words but feels like much less due to nice pacing and an interesting take on this au

Travelers by @sunrise-and-death ​ - a series (Placeless Destination and Moving Towards) that’s a soulmate au. soulmates can interact through a pyschic bond that allows it to seem like the other person is there with them. neil and andrew meet when they are young and it’s so interesting seeing them get to know each other at this age. we also get to see some neil/mary angst and all of the terrible things happen to andrew. an intense series that manages to feel light-hearted at the same time. the second fic in this series is incomplete

atlas by @purearcticfire ​ / @pipedream-truths ​ - a magic au that features shapeshifters and a cursed neil, so immediately you know i’ll like it. this fic has some cool uses of italics, caps, spacing, etc. that creates a stylized story that helps build tone and gives the story a clearer voice. unfortunately, i can’t tell too much detail about my favourite parts because it they are *ultra spoilers* so i’ll just say, it gets so intense at the end. just trust me about this. ao3 says it’s incomplete (4/5 chapters) but it seems complete to me. also, at ~72,000 words, it’s a pretty hefty fic

Golden Keys and Gray Lines by @wouldyoulightmycandle ​ - just a feel-good post-canon fic that involves a road trip, an ice cream museum, and a bit of Working Through Rough Times. super cute! this fic is incomplete

some authors i just really love and appreciate (you probably already know them and if you don’t then idk what you’re doing)

all of these writers have serious talent that make it look easy to write fanfiction. it’s not easy. you guys have all of my love. all of it.

@nakasomethingkun ​ /  ephemeralsky - basically i just see their name and automatically click the fic without bothering to fully read the tags or summary. they have never let me down and i adore the way they write. everything they write is an easy read and i always come back to their fics. i was going to mention my favourites and then i realized i was going to list everything they’ve written for aftg and i’m not even kidding. funny, angst, fluff, everything you could want in a fic they have it. so so good i actually don’t know how to describe it. their fics break my heart and then put it back together a little bit different so that even after i am finished reading and continue with the rest of my life, i feel different. they make me hurt in a way i didn’t know that i could like. this quality of fic has me scrolling back to the top to reread it the second i finish. what in the world they’re so good.

@annawrites ​ / moonix - 50 aftg fics. that’s actually crazy. and all of them are so high quality and there is such a variety. flower shop/tattoo parlor au? one of my favourite series ever. high school au? of course it includes 4 fully complete fics. shapeshifter au? amazingly done. scott pilgrim vs the world au? so good that i went out and watched the movie for the first time (i am not even joking). i was looking through all the fics and just started rereading them, i just can’t help myself. they describe everything in a way that makes their stories unique, but doesn’t seem like they’re trying too hard. or at all. their fics flow so well and every sentence is a gem. i read and reread so carefully to make sure i don’t miss a thing, but always find myself catching new jokes and quirks.

@lolainslackss ​ / lolainslackss - i really don’t know where to start. once again, i just really love all of their fics. i started scrolling through their works too see if i had a favourite and could not even choose a top 5. their writing is so beautiful i can’t get enough. they always choose the best things to include. selective mutism and sign language? that’s a sure way into my heart. the suit shop au is adorable and pining andrew really is best andrew. i found exycast surprisingly late in my fanfiction reading and that is a real tragedy because it’s amazing and really cute. the soulmate timer fic is an old favourite and if i’m looking for angst, i know i can pull it up.

@gluupor ​ / gluupor - an absolute legend. with 54 fics for aftg, it’s amazing that all of them are outrageously funny, entertaining, and just really well written. a lot of them are fics adapted as an au for other fandoms (like their super popular brooklyn 99 au that i absolutely adore) and they are all hilarious. it’s so fun to search for familiar quotes or realize how similar characters from different fandoms are to the foxes and the quirks they share. these are fics that will definitely cheer you up. i love their sense of humour, it fits the characters so well and helps to shape the world they’re writing in. it’s always exciting to see them publish a new fic.

@idnis ​ / idnis - they have a really unique writing style, i’ve never seen anything like it in this fandom. every story has so much care and love in it that’s evident through the small details that you only pick up through rereading. their stories are stylized with spaces and formatting that help guide the reader and adds to the tone of their stories. i fell so in love with their cat!neil. they write such interesting stories, have original plots, and their fics read like poetry. before you know it, you’ve finished the fic without realising you should have gone to bed an hour ago. they also have some amazing original work that everyone should go check out!

@badacts ​ / badacts - so recently a lot of their fics were made visible to ao3 users only (a shame in my opinion) so if you haven’t read their fics, go make an account! or log into your account! you really don’t want to miss these fics. they have a kid fic where both andrew and neil are baby versions of themselves so it’s obviously one of the best things ever. they who made you/they made me too is so good even the title is enough to make me feel. there’s introspection and realization and it’s from aaron’s perspective. i love seeing the twinyards bond. and, of course we have to mention the terra firma series because i love injured!neil and this one hits me in a different way. i love the way the abrupt transition into injury for neil and being able to experience the confusion and not knowing what’s happening with him.

iaquilam - they have posted 2 fics for aftg and they are some of my favourites in this fandom. this has amazing characterization, neil and andrew and everyone feel so real and so true and i love them. a mouthy, raven neil is one of the best types of neil. they write from andrew’s perspective and i cannot believe have well they capture him and his thoughts. quotes that have stuck with me “there’s more than one way of getting what you want”, “’he hurts,’ kevin says. ‘it hurts”, “you will be afraid and you will do it anyway”, and “to keep living. until i don’t”. also i think that andrew with synesthesia in where everything is good fits so perfectly. the idea that andrew has something so unique ahh i love. “your voice was the first blue one i ever saw” makes everything around me go quiet.

@jemejem ​ / jemejem - first of all i am really loving the radio show ficlet that’s being posted on tumblr. i’m a sucker for breakup fics, especially cheating fics (because i need angst) so only was the find of the century. it’s a fic where no matter how many times i’ve read it, i still feel gutted and achy reading it. their recent fic, the sound, was really interesting and i loved the later chapters so much but can’t share because of *spoilers*

undertow - okay so they also only have 2 aftg fics but oh my goodness they are so good. tenuous is one of my most reread fics, i love the concept, interactions between all the characters, how i feel like i’m there with them, and their descriptions. one of my favourite lines are “The sink turns on; water smacks against the bottom of its metallic basin. It feels—well. It just feels.” ugh i don’t know why i like it so much i just do. it fits so perfectly. and i can totally imagine kevin and neil being super petty in their love song writing, this fic is such a contrast to the other one and yet still so good.

@broship-addict ​ / broship_addict - kid!au! oh my goodness ice cream au! ahh they’re so good at writing cute fluff that has such good characterization that they’ve adapted perfectly into whatever au they have written. and at the same time impulse hit me in a different kind of way. what a joy to read, i love witnessing the ways that andrew and neil come together in all of their fics. also i really can’t not mention their amazing artwork. so grateful to have them contributing so much to this fandom

@unkingly / vicariously kingly - bless these fics. i don’t know anyone that doesn’t love a good de-aged neil fic and this really does The Most for that trope. also can i just say that callboy!neil was a thing i didn’t know i needed in my life but now i don’t know how i lived without it. also mermaid!neil?? yes please. i adore the way they write andriel. their fics are angsty and never fail to make me feel something, often a little bit raw in a good way. latchkey child wrecked me. i felt like i had been scraped clean and felt a little bit off for the remaining night and day after. Say Golden, Pony Boy was eerie and just the right amount of mysterious. i was left feeling unsettled in my own home. these fics have delightful endings that leave you satisfied and yet wanting more all the same

@spanglebangle / spanglebangle - i really really cannot get over sunshine and moonlight. it’s such a soft version of neil and andrew’s relationship, i love the direction that was taken and how the boys grew and the changes because they found each other. i love the quote “you like the big gestures and ridiculous things i say. i’m in your head, remember, i know it makes you feel wanted” fox!neil is really so adorable and pure, but also feisty and protective and funny. i would love to see more of this fic. also the elementary au is everything to me. there’s a lot of content and it keeps me interested, but i especially love the later chapters with everything surrounding neil and then even later with andrew wrestling with his feelings. so well written.

@hopingforcoordinates ​ / crazy_like_a - if you haven’t read their fics then ?? i really don’t know what to say since they wrote 3 of the top 5 fics with the most kudos in this fandom. and if you have read their work then we both know why they are being mentioned. i have fallen in love with their take on raven!neil. their writing style feels so simple and natural, which is a real talent. if you’re looking for a more explicit post-canon fic, then lessons is great, just make sure nobody is reading over your shoulder hah

@fuzzballsheltiepants ​ / fuzzballsheltiepants - the iconic a mewment like this series is so funny, sweet, and angsty and features The Cats which is always a good sign. in particular, i loved the conversation about mark rothko and all of the art they looked at in the 6th fic. i don’t know what counts as spoilers so i’ll say thank goodness for neil ‘oblivious’ josten, trivia nights, and the good bad jokes that made this series such an enjoyable read. similarly, you can’t go wrong with the angst that’s sure to come with a fic where andrew gets hurt and doesn’t remember who neil is. or at least, this fic definitely went the opposite of wrong. 

and i really cannot make this post without mentioning the mind-blowing collabs of lolainslackss and moonix to create dating & other disasters and of moonix and gluupor to write No Place Like Home (incomplete). i literally don’t even have words for how excited i was for when i heard of these fics. these collabs are too powerful for this world and if you haven’t read them then i guess you don’t want to enjoy yourself.

as well, additional thanks from this little ace baby to everyone who writes ace!neil or demi!neil. you guys have a special place in my heart.

i tried to find everyone’s tumblr but obviously didn’t succeed. please tag them if i missed them or tagged the wrong account. thanks! i also did not take the time to research pronouns/names so i refer to everyone as ‘they/them’. i know some of the right pronouns/names but it felt wrong to have some of them and not the rest. some of my comments might seem incoherent or repetitive. my apologies for all of this.

also if you go to my ao3 and see that it’s a little bare/notice that i never comment just know that it’s because i am *ultra lazy* and most of the time i cannot be bothered to log into my account. probably commented as raelle instead. or just ‘a’ because i really am That Lazy. or i’m planning on writing an essay for your fic but haven’t gotten around to it and i’m just drafting it in my head every time i reread.

[jexnmcrexu]

Do you have any headcanons on the kandrew dynamic? There’s such a dearth of analyses on the interactions between Kevin and Andrew and it’s a shame because their behavior with each other is so deep, peculiar and fascinating :O

Did you mean hc or analysis? i’m gonna add a bit of both just in case ;) Buckle up because this got... so long...

- See the thing about kandrew is... they’re so complex

- I mean it’s just. At first glance their personalities just completely clash, you know?

- Kevin lives and breathes Exy, he pushes himself beyond his limits, and he has this single-minded obsession with his game being flawless

- While Andrew couldn’t care less about the sport, has absolutely no drive besides the promises he makes, no ambition

- So like, when I learned all this and realized they were practically attached at the hip I went ?????

- However we later learn about the promise Andrew made Kevin, that if he stayed at Palmetto he would keep him safe

- (and this hurts a whole fucking lot because Andrew thinks the only way of keeping people from leaving is by binding them with a promise and that just BREAKS MY HEART!! but that’s a topic for another post)

- We also learn that Kevin promised him a future if he stayed by his side

- So this was basically a “I want to be with you but you wouldn’t be with me in normal circumstances so here, I can offer you this” from both of them

- They’re a disaster

- Anyway so they have a tumultuous relationship from the start

- God listen here LISTEN

- Andrew refused to go with Kevin to the Ravens because he didn’t want to follow someone who was satisfied with being second best

- Like he just hated Kevin for that

- But when Kevin went to Wymack after Riko broke his hand, Andrew must have seen there was some courage in there he could work with

- Otherwise I assure you he wouldn’t have made a deal with him, he wouldn’t have found Kevin interesting enough

- SO HEAR ME OUT

- KEVIN SAW POTENTIAL IN ANDREW, BUT ANDREW SAW POTENTIAL IN KEVIN TOO

- I’m crying thanks

- At this point Andrew becomes Kevin’s rock

- (I like to compare this with a concept I learned in two TJ Klune’s novels, wolfsong and the lighting-struck heart (even though they exist everywhere else)

- In the sense that Andrew is Kevin’s cornerstone, a link that keeps him from despairing and succumbing to darkness

- And he’s also Neil’s tether, the link that keeps him grounded and prevents him from running away

- It makes me very emo

- “You spend all this time watching our backs. Who’s watching yours?”

- shut UP

- ANYWAY

- So Kevin heavily relies on andrew

- Let me tell you this: when I first read aftg I went in knowing NOTHING about the books except that there was a gay couple; i didn’t even know it was the main couple; i didn’t even know it was about sports

- And I thought that that couple were kevin and andrew

- I kid you not, I didn’t catch on until halfway through the raven king

- It was just so plainly obvious that they care about each other

- Like sure, they fight a lot, Andrew threatens Kevin and fucking cuts him with a knife at one point

- But that’s how they are; they’re constantly dancing around one another because they both have this huge thing in the middle: Andrew’s future

- And they both know it

- It’s what keeps them together but also what keeps them apart

- There’s an essential part of their relationship that simply cannot work if they don’t acknowledge it

- Which Andrew refuses to do until like the end of the king’s men

- ridiculous, both of them

- So on to my headcanons

- Basically I think they started to hook up a couple of weeks after Kevin transferred to Palmetto

- They were at Eden’s and they were drinking and Andrew was horny and Kevin was hot

- And tipsy

- So they kiss. I can’t decide if Kevin initiated it or if Andrew did

- I think maybe Kevin

- Kevin isn’t familiar with Andrew’s history at this point, so Andrew gathers inhuman amounts of patience and explains, without going into detail, that they’re playing by his rules

- Basically: don’t touch unless prompted and always, always ask first. Or else, knife in your gut.

- It becomes a regular thing and Andrew hates that it’s a regular thing but he also doesn’t

- Kevin is very conflicted because of the public image he needs to uphold

- But he never angsts about it with Andrew because he knows that would only push Andrew away

- A year goes by and there’s feelings in the way that they both kind of acknowledge, only never out loud

- it’s more in the actions?

- in the way Kevin always looks for Andrew first, in the way Andrew is always aware of where Kevin is in the room, never goes too far from him, and

- i can’t stress this enough

- in the way he is unconditional support for kevin

- kevin is a mess; his childhood was traumatizing— so was Andrew’s, and yet Andrew is always there for Kevin whenever Kevin falls into despair

- He knows how to calm him, how to keep him grounded, and is willing to go to the ends of the Earth to protect him

- He doesn’t make deals with everyone, y’all

- Just people he wants to keep close

- Kevin is one of them

- And Kevin... GOD, Kevin

- He never, ever gives up on Andrew

- No matter how many times Andrew tells him no to exy, he keeps pushing and he keeps waiting and he doesn’t. give. up.

- Kevin saw potential in him, but he also saw that the reason he didn’t care was because he didn’t think he deserved it

- And Kevin pushed

- And Andrew pushed back, in his own way

- Between him and Neil they made Kevin realize he was so much more than number 2

- I bet you Andrew used it as a counter argument so many times whenever Kevin brought his exy skills up

- “IF ONLY YOU LISTENED-“

- “I’m sorry, I don’t listen to second places”

- It drives Kevin absolutely insane

- They’re constantly pushing each other and grabbing at them at the same time

- It’s why they work

- Their dynamic is just complex and passionate and beautiful

- Hopefully we get to read about them more

[nekojitachan]

Is there drama in the aftg fandom again? I mean, I'm not even on tumblr that much and when I am I just check the select 5 blogs I actually like and call it a day, so I'm just really confused. Is this about incest again? Didn't we deal with this shit already? Who even started this and why are you accused of supporting incest? I'm genuinely curious why people keep doing this instead of just getting off their high morality horses and finding a hobby that doesn't include bullying and spreading lies

Ah… okay, trying not to add to everything and I apologize if people are tired of this but basically? Yes, it appears one of the antis posted a ‘block these people because they support incest’ list which stirred things up again (I didn’t even know about it at the time because I have a lot of people blocked from the last time). Apparently I’m on because I’m now accused of writing incest (WTF?) and support it, and they’re including people who are friends with incest supporters. Or if you block them out of disagreement with their stance.

Oh, and I write Ichineil pairings (which that I can’t argue with, mostly). What that has to do with incest, I’ve not a clue, except now they’re expanding to their NOTP pairings (even though the fic they cited had it as an extremely minor side pairing and listed dubcon and… whatever. They couldn’t even use Raven’s Partner?).

So yes, that’s basically what this is about.

For the record? I DO NOT support incest. I haven’t ever written about it (all I ever did was leave a comment or two on a friend’s fic). What I DO support is people not being told what they can and can’t write. I write some dark topics and I try to write in a responsible manner, and I always tag appropriately (and I welcome people telling me about missed tags). Some people can handle what I write, and some people can’t (even though I go out of my way to make sure it’s relevant to the plot and as ungraphic as possible, and deals more with recovery than anything). I’ve had people tell me that my fics have helped them deal with things in their lives, which is why I feel it’s important that you can NOT tell people ‘stop writing this’. And let me tell you, that’s what makes sitting down for hours writing thousands of words and pouring out one’s heart into a Word doc so worthwhile.

People write what they write for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it’s not good, which sucks, but a lot of times good does come out it. And if you censor what can be written, that’s going to inhibit what good stories can do for people. Funny, but this started out to be a campaign to rid the AFTG fandom of nasty incest fics (yet oddly enough, not the graphic violence, the parental abuse, the rape and drug abuse and misogyny…), and now it’s moved onto unapproved pairings, it seems. The censorship is already growing, the ‘ban’ list is also growing (not just those of us who have ‘sinned’ but guilt by association and not agreeing with the antis).

Is anyone seeing something wrong with this?

For the record, I tend to keep my personal life private. There’s reasons for that, in part because I’ve been in fandom for a while and been burned a time or two, seen things happen to other friends that make me leery. I’m also just a very private person in general. But I find this whole incest accusation thing very insulting and demeaning and downright hypocritical considering things that have happened to me in my life.

Again, I do not support or condone incest in any way. I still support people being able to write what they want to write, but they better properly tag the shit out of it and yes, they need to accept the repercussions of what they write (that people won’t like it and so forth).

And I sincerely hope that people find something better to do than stir up drama. Personally, I just want to spend my free time writing, relaxing with my husband and playing with my cats without having to deal with this, and I’m sure the majority of the fandom is tired of this.

[exyjunkies]

14 + andreil? (“Hey, I’m with you, okay? Always.”)

…………………………..

so i needed to write this plot bunny outta my damn mind

(and i liked this enough to post it on my ao3!!)

fic meme 1-100: andreil + 14. “Hey, I’m with you, okay? Always.”

send me a pairing (preferably from aftg/trc) and a number and i’ll write you a drabble (1-50) (51-100)

Andrew has often thought of how a clock, something built totell time, can fail at its very function the moment it’s set wrong. The thoughtwas unnerving, really, because it only strengthens the truth that time was oneof the many things that was out of anybody’s control.

One of the other things was change. The Columbia house, forall its glory and all the moments it’s lived through, cannot fight against thewishes of time. Though it did look like it tried to put up the best fight itcould possibly attempt. The windows, some slightly cracked and others difficultto open, merely provided glimpses into how much the structure has been through.The welcome mat had the letter O blacked out by ash, from theone time Nicky had set it on fire. The doorbell still worked, but the buttonwas long gone from its mechanism. The house paint was peeling off, and theplants around the side of the house were long gone.

It’s been almost three years since that day. Everyone Andrew knows has told him that this, what he wasdoing, wasn’t helping anyone move on with the natural course of things. Nothim. Not Neil.

Walking up to the house, Andrew wondered when he’ll everstop wanting to coming back.

He checked the time on his watch. 11:38 PM.

He doesn’t think twenty-two minutes will be enough to readyhimself for what was coming.

(Really, he doesn’t think any amount of time will ever beenough.)

The doorknob is cold and unsettling to the touch as ever.Andrew opened the door, and a wind blew in his face. He coughed because of thedust that got to his nose. A few seconds later, he heard the night cricketsoutside drift to a steady silence.

Nice job, Josten. Shaking his head, Andrew broughtout his flashlight, and shone a light throughout the dark house.

When they (Andrew, Aaron, and Nicky) had bought the Columbiahouse in their freshmen year, it was mostly empty, save for the appliances thatthe seller was generous enough to leave them. They acquired a microwave, ablender, and a pressure cooker (that none of them knew how to use until theirthird year). It was a really spacious house, which meant the three of them wasfree to fill it with whatever they deemed was necessary for each of theirsurvivals. Money was no object.

So Nicky was in charge of furnishing, while Aaron made tocall in men for the repairs, and Andrew shouldered costs and looked over wherethings were supposed to go. After three months of arguments and fussing about,it was done, and they had a place to stay whenever they needed to get away fromPalmetto State. They began bringing Kevin along a few weeks later. It was ateam effort to put the house together, that much Andrew knew.

Nicky and Aaron were not the least bit surprised, then, whenAndrew and Neil had ended up taking over the house later on. Nicky had a placewith Erik in Germany, and Aaron was in med school with Katelyn in anotherstate. This was around the time Neil had graduated and was well on his way to anoffer with the US Court, and Andrew was being bombarded with the same offerfrom the US Court that he had rejected the previous year. Andrew remembered walking into the living room and seeing Neil with both contract proposals fromthe Court’s recruitment team.

Leaning against the wall, he hadwaited until Neil noticed he was there at all.         

You’re not seriously judging me for going through job offers.Neil’s tone had been playful, a smirk on his face that was probably amused atAndrew’s glowering.

It’s more of an addiction for you, junkie.

It’s what’s keeping me alive. Sorry if this life is so addicting.

You know, if you needed someone to go with you and hold your hand,that’s not going to be me.

Yeah? At this, Neil had put the papers on their coffee table, stoodup, and walked over to where Andrew was standing. In the years that they hadknown each other, Andrew had not grown taller, but Neil had two inches added tohis height. The smile on his lips not withdrawing, he crossed his arms andlooked Andrew square in the face.

Then how are you going to stare at my ass from behind if you’re not inthe games with me?

Andrew remembered looking up atNeil’s face, unimpressed. Tell me onegood reason why I should go back to that game again.

You know the gig’s not half as bad as you make it out to be. ThenAndrew had glared, turned around, and walked away.

A few hours ago, both of them hadsigned with the US Court, and were set to start practices next week. Once theyhad both gotten the notification, Neil had looked and did his best not to burst outlaughing.

I am irresistible, he had declared, winking at Andrew.

One week, huh, Andrew had muttered, hoisting a laughing Neil up onhis arms and carrying him back to their bedroom. We shouldn’t waste any time then.

Andrew shone his flashlight aroundthe living room, the furniture in it now dusty and chipped. Their sofa still had that gash across the middle,and their pillows had almost all the stuffing falling out and frayed. Thetelevision set, once a flatscreen and of the highest quality, now couldn’t beswitched on or even plugged in. A circle of dustless surface was on the coffeetable, where the last ever coffee cup used to be. Andrew didn’t know if Neilhad taken the coffee cup off, or if someone had gone in to take it. Honestly,it didn’t really matter anymore.

To the side, their bookshelf wasstill crammed with books, half of which they never got to read together. Nearit was another shelf, which held framed photos and some souvenirs from thecountries they got to travel to. A mini Eiffel Tower, a golden cat that used towave its paw, a box of one red chopstick because they lost the other one. Atiny Mexican hat, from the first time they flew anywhere. Andrew surveyed thephotographs, looked at the all the faces. A family portrait, with him, Neil,and Sir Fat Cat and King Fluffkins. They had taken it intending for it to be aChristmas card, but Neil liked it so much he wanted it to be the family’s copyand theirs only. A picture of him and Aaron, arms around each other’sshoulders, taken by Neil himself. And beside it, a picture that Andrew hadtaken of Neil holding one of Dan and Matt’s kids, from when they babysat forthe couple.

Of the two of them, Neil had beenmore vocal about wanting kids, simply because Andrew was rarely ever outspokenabout anything. Andrew had it memorized – that look of want that Neil used tohave, whenever one of Dan’s kids would bring him something they had drawn orwhenever they wanted something from their kitchen. Neil had both been subtle(adoption flyers lying around the counter) and obvious (bringing it up whenthey were in bed, before they went to sleep). But what he didn’t know was thatit was a fleeting want between the both of them, something that never happenedonly because they were too busy with everything else.

Looking at his watch, Andrew sawthat he had seven minutes before midnight.

“You don’t mind if I’m a littleearly, do you?”

The voice had come a little tooclose behind him, but Andrew had learned to calm himself down. Neil never meantto scare him, even if his hair stood on end almost every time this happened.Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath. Inhale.Exhale. That’s it.

He turned around, and behind himwas Neil.

In his spiritual, yet mostcorporeal, form.

A ghost.

“You were always one forsurprises,” Andrew whispered, tightening his grip around his flashlight. Neillooked back at him, shrugging in the most Neil-like fashion.

Ever since Neil had become thisstate, he was always different. Sometimes, he was his cheery, annoying self,following Andrew around the house and talking his ear off. There have beentimes when he was an angrier, snappier version of himself, levitating objectsaround the house and throwing them against the walls. Most of the time though,Neil was merely a shell of himself, less responsive, drifting out of realityfrom time to time.

He liked it when Andrew came tovisit, which was twice or thrice a week. Always around midnight, and not formore than half an hour. Neil had explained, once before, that there wasn’t muchspiritual energy around their part of South Carolina for him to stay long.Andrew didn’t know much about the supernatural and ghosts and spirits, so hetook Neil’s word for it.

At the start, Neil being a ghosthad helped Andrew cope with his death, had helped him mourn the loss. The shockhad lasted quite a while, and then the anger came. Andrew was not proud of howhe handled himself.

It was a day like any other,specifically a day when Neil was home and Andrew was out, taking care of thegroceries. Between the both of them, no one knew that Lola Malcolm hadn’t beencaught by the FBI, and was instead on the lookout for Neil to seek her revenge.Andrew had come home to the struggle between Lola and Neil, and hell had brokenloose from there.

Andrew had succeeded in getting aknife through Lola’s head through her eye, but not until after she had shotNeil in the stomach. There was blood everywhere. And the hospital could only doso much that much blood loss. Andrew threatened as many doctors and nurses ashe could, but he couldn’t change what had happened. Neil was in a coma for agood eight months, before the doctors had the talk with Andrew regardingpulling the plug.

A voice had come up behind him, inthat hospital hallway, and whispered, “Letme go, Andrew. The machines are terrible. It hurts so, so much.”

It took Andrew another monthbefore he could agree to pull the plug. Wymack, Betsy, Abby, and the Foxes,both the old and the new, were there with Andrew, and that was that. No fancyfuneral. No televised news about Neil’s death. No articles in the newspapers,no interviews with the sports channels.

Just a cremation, a jar, andNeil’s ashes, sitting in one of the Columbia house’s cupboards.

It’s been almost three years sincethe accident. And a small part of Andrew was uneasy, if not scared, about Neilstill not being able to transition to the afterlife.

Three years.

Neil put his hand to Andrew’s arm,and Andrew shivered. He could feel the faintest sensation through his shirtsleeve. He saw Neil solidify a bit more and sigh in relief.

“I get the feeling that you havesomething to tell me that couldn’t wait.”

“We’ve got all the time in theworld, what the fuck are you talking about?”

“Seventeen years of marriage doesn’thelp you become a better liar, dummy.”

Andrew gritted his teeth. Hefrowned at Neil. “Yeah, well, the real world doesn’t make me deal with thetruth any better, either.”

“And what has been happening in the real world?” Neil’s voice was lessinterested and more of a drone. As if it was draining him to push every singleword out. He went to sat down on their sofa, and continued, “Tell me a story.”

So Andrew told him. About Reneeand Emilio’s third son, who was born premature and had to stay in the incubatorfor a few weeks. About Allison and her fiancé, and their upcoming wedding inthe Bahamas. About Nicky and Erik visiting for Christmas this December. AboutAaron and Katelyn opening up a new private practice in the east. About Robin andher girlfriend, and how she had been coaching the Foxes for almost seven yearsnow. About Wymack in a plush and comfortable retirement home that just happensto adore Exy and him, so they had no problem with Kevin’s specifications. AboutDan and Matt starting an Exy Little League, and how it was going to be biggerthan they had anticipated. About how he and Kevin were still with the Court.

“But you know how I keep thinkingof,” Andrew broke off, inhaling a little shakily. He sat beside Neil. “Ofresigning. They have enough goalkeepers there anyway.”

Neil did a lifeless haha and replied, “Good luck. Last timeI joked about you leaving, Chief always said that wouldn’t happen. “Not on my watch, Josten.” With the gruffdisagreement and all. That kinda shit.”

“It doesn’t do anything for meanymore.”

Which was true. Financially, Andrew was set for (what he believedwere) the remaining years of his life, and he still had some of his fortune fromhis teenage years to add to his Court savings. He didn’t really care much forthe Exy celebrity life, and he only had a few friends in the sports industryand even less of a desire to make more. On top of that, the only reason why hewas still with the Court was because of Kevin, who was still a little abovetwenty-five years or so from retirement. Kevin was convinced that he and Andrewwould be together on the team until then.

Every single day with the team andplaying Exy served to be a reminder to Andrew about just how much Neil livedfor the sport. They had played games with one off the court, but when they wereboth on the court together, they were a force to be reckoned with. Eventually,everyone had ended up looking forward to the games that had the both of them onthe lineup.

Now that Neil was gone… well.Andrew could still close off the goal when the team needed it, but even theleast invested fan could see that games against the US National Team were lessexciting now. It was something no one dared to speak of.

“Well, you know I wouldn’t mind ifyou did,” Neil said, leaning back and closing his eyes. Or at least that’s whatit looked like to Andrew. “Resign, I mean.”

They sat in silence for a longtime after that, Andrew and his arm on the couch’s arm rest, and Neil sittingback on the couch. It was never an uncomfortable silence, that much they bothhad to be thankful for. From time to time, Andrew looked over and watched Neildo his best to materialize, take as much energy as he could from the ground,sometimes from Andrew. But then Andrew knew Neil always felt bad about tiringhim out, so the touches were subtle. Andrew didn’t want to admit that it wasmore draining that he let out.

Besides, if it meant that he couldsee Neil a little better, then Andrew would hold onto Neil himself – if Neilwouldn’t violently lash out and throw Andrew off of him.

“Ugh, we never really got thishouse to look the way it should,” Neil suddenly said, his eyes darting aroundthe room. Andrew snapped out of his thoughts.

“Your eye for real estate ischarming, junkie.”

“Shut up. This place was a dumpbefore I got here.”

Andrew felt his mouth twitch up abit at that, and he saw Neil laughing quietly. For a bit, he looked almost… alive.

“Yeah,” he murmured, shiftingcloser. “You were a real lifesaver.”

Neil looked Andrew in the eyes,and smiled.

Then, as if a spell broke, he suddenlyclosed his eyes and groaned slightly. “Ugh.”

“What?” Andrew was alert, a bit ofpanic rising in him. “Anything I could do?”

“No, I just,” Neil stopped, facingaway from Andrew. After a beat, he spoke up again.

“This always happens. I hate it.”

“What does?”

“Oh, don’t act like you don’tknow,” Neil scolded, a little sadly. “Me wanting to hold your hand, or mewanting to kiss you, and then remembering that— that I’m just… this.”

And here I was, about to tell him that he has to move on. “Neil, pleasedon’t do this.”

“Don’t do what?” Neil snapped, standing up suddenly, making his form waver abit. Andrew was starting to feel his own anger too. It was anger not at Neil,but at the situation that led to this. He did his best to keep it down and puttwo fingers to the bridge of his nose.

“Don’t… ugh— don’t make this harder than it has to be.”

Neil looked down at him, a littleconfused. Then, understanding showed on his face, along with a very pissy mood.

“Oh. Okay. I see how it is.”

In all the years that they’ve beenmarried, they’ve had their fights, and they’ve each had their share of faults.After everything though, they always, alwaysmade it a point to resolve their issues. This was because of the two of them,Neil was the one that hated going to sleep with something wrong between them.

Still, they were human, so nothingwas as perfect as how the movies almost always made everything out to be.Andrew tended to be unresponsive a lot of the time, because he didn’t believein wasting a single breath on useless things, and Neil always had some smartremark prepared to everything because he liked being the last say, socompromises were only arrived at after a lotof work.

So of course, this meant thingsalways had to get messy before they get fixed.

“Neil,” Andrew began, standing upand taking a few steps away from Neil. “You know it’s been far too long. It’sunnatural.”

“So is being murdered at the ageof 46, Andrew!” Neil yelled, theground shaking a little, just because he can make it shake. “This is so unfair.I’m not fucking ready.”

“And no one ever is,” Andrew replied,stepping forward slowly. It was so hard to keep himself composed, but he knewhe had to do it. “But I’m telling you now. You’re not doing yourself any favorsby staying here.”

“Wow, now you’re telling me about what’s best for me. Well, news-fucking-flash, Andrew Minyard. Ithink I can handle myself.”

“No, you can’t! If you can, you would’ve been gone from this place a longdamn time ago. You know I’m making sense. You’renot human anymore, Josten. You have to fucking accept that.”

“And what about you, huh? What is it about methat keeps you coming back? I’m ‘not human anymore’? Fine. Then why do you keep going here, at the crack-of-God’s-ass‘o clock, visiting me?”

“Because I care about you, idiot. Don’t you think it hurts me to see you likethis, too?”

“Oh, boo-freaking-hoo, Andrew Minyard is still alive, getme a tissue.”

Andrew exhaled, getting the rageout of his system before he did anything drastic. Crossing his arms, he saidthe one thing that’s been on his mind ever since he got there.

“So if I went and offed myself.Would that help?”

Neil, as always, doesn’t properlylisten when he’s in the heat of the moment. “If you— what?”

Clearing his throat, Andrew repeatedhimself.

“If I died. Passed away. Left thislife. Etcetera etcetera. Would you finally move on to the afterlife?”

“You’re being ridiculous. Wheredid you get that dumb idea? It’s not that easy.”

“Then what, for God’s sake, wouldmake it easy—”

“Nothing, Andrew! Don’t youfucking understand?”

Neil’s outburst was so strong thata wind blew through the house, and every door in the house began openning andslamming back shut. Andrew was taken aback. The pressure in the room was sostrong, and the doors were so loud.He shut his eyes and took a few more breaths to steady himself. Anger and fearwas not the greatest combination to deal with.

Easy, Minyard.

After calming down himself, Neilshook his head.

“Don’t you get it?” He startedagain, less harshly this time. “My entire childhood, I never got to make anypart of it mine. It was always, new nickname this time around, or new state thenext month, or new house to break into later on. Mom died, and I had to livewith her voice of disappointment wherever I went. It was absolutely miserable. Andthen I came across Exy, which gave me the chance to take a small part of itback. For myself.

“And then the Foxes came along,and. And you guys were everything.Not from the start, no. At the start, a lot of you were major assholes,” Atthis, Andrew nodded in agreement, and Neil continued, “But then you guys becamefamily. And every game that Palmetto State got me to, gave me even more andmore reasons to keep going. Wymack was, sort of, the father I never knew Ineeded. And somewhere along the way, I saw you in a way that I never saw anyoneelse before, and, well, I guess the rest was history.

“I finally, finally had the life Iwanted. And I had that life to share with you. It wasn’t perfect, and it suretook some work getting there, what with my father and the Moriyamas and all,but I made it. I was myself. And I hadthat going for me for a long time. Seventeen years with you was wonderful. ButI knew I wanted the lifetime package. But then Lola came that day, and… andtook it all away. Just when I was just getting ready for the long haul.”

Neil sat back down, leaving Andrewabsolutely speechless. This was a side of Neil that he has never heard before.A lot of things were going on in his mind right now, and none of them was theright thing to say in this situation.

“Do you know what I was doing thatday, Andrew?” Neil continued, not looking up at him. “Because I do. I stillfucking remember. I was about to put in a call for this house I wanted, justoutside of South Carolina. Somewhere in Pontiac. Matt told me about a reallygood deal by a friend of his, so I went to check the house out a couple weeksback. I was going to say yes to the realtor and put in the first payment. Itwas going to be a surprise.”

Sitting back down carefully,Andrew made sure to look at Neil this time, listening to everything he had tosay. He put his hand on top of Neil’s spirit one, watching Neil’s materializedface shed a tear.

“Shit,” Andrew whispered. He hated seeing Neil cry. “I never knew.”

“Yeah,” Neil sniffled, putting hishand to his face and wiping off a tear. “It’s because I did my best to keep thesecret this time around.”

And they stayed like that, staringinto each other’s eyes, for a little bit longer. Andrew could only hear hisheartbeat, the crickets outside, and Neil’s labored breathing, from his entiredialogue earlier.

“Andrew,” Neil murmured. “I’mscared.”

Gritting his teeth, Andrewreplied, “I am too. It was hell tolose you the first time. But this is something you have to do.” After a beat,he added, “It’ll get easier.”

When Neil didn’t reply, Andrew puthis lips to where he saw Neil’s cheek was, and kissed. Andrew didn’t feelanything, but Neil let out a humorless chuckle.

“Thanks for trying, asshat,” hesaid, and Andrew knew they were okay again. He didn’t really know what to saynext, so he only nodded. Neil inhaled, exhaled, and clenched both his fists.

“Fine. I’ll stop being a ghoststuck in the past,” Neil said, and stood up. He rolled his shoulders back, andstretched his neck. “The afterlife can’t be thatbad.”

“If you get sent to hell, please reserve my slot.”

“You know there’s one with your name on it already.”

They could sit there and jokeabout it for another hour, and it still wouldn’t make the goodbye any better. Neilwas off staring at absolutely nothing, like he was trying to find the words tomake it easier. Andrew knew this, so he stood up with Neil, staring into thesame nothingness.

“Hey,” Neil said, after anotherlong, quiet minute. “I’m with you, okay?”

Andrew thought about how a clockcan fail to tell time the moment it was set wrong. It was a fact of life thathe used to be frustrated with, because he had wanted to go back and change thepast. He had wished he did things differently, sway the odds in his favor. Dothe groceries the previous day instead. Get home a little earlier. Kill Lolabefore she got to shoot Neil.

But now, Andrew knew that he neededto stop playing god. Every single thing in the universe was going to come andgo, no matter what anyone did, and nobody could change that.

What made everything morebearable, Andrew knew, was the people that he went through time with.

“Always,” he replied, looking atNeil one last time. He couldn’t believe this was going to be the last time. Thetightness in his chest was enough to stop him from breathing.

It was almost like he was losingNeil all over again.

Neil smiled sadly at Andrew,almost as if he was trying to hold back more tears.

Then, he looked up, and he wasgone. And for the first time since he had bought the house, Andrew was on hisown.

For the first time, Andrew wasalone.