#can you tell i've been having trouble getting back up on this pony

[todays-xkcd]

Thank you to linguist Gretchen McCulloch for teaching me about phonetic assimilation, and for teaching me that if you stand around in public reading texts from a linguist and murmuring example phrases to yourself, people will eventually ask if you're okay.

Fluid Speech [Explained]

Transcript

[Above the panel:] Fun fact: Experienced speakers constantly merge, drop, and alter sounds when talking at normal conversational speed to optimize for efficient mouth movement.

[The panel shows four labeled side profiles of a mouth with paths of sounds made in different parts of the mouth. There is a label "More fluid" with an arrow pointing to the right.

From left to right:] [Label:] Going to /ɡoʊɪŋ tu/ [Path:] (G O >> I >> NG >> >> ) ( >> T >> >> O)

[Label:] Goin' to /ɡoʊɪn tə/ [Path:] (G O >> I >> N)(T >> >> O)

[Label:] Gonna /ɡʌn.ə/ [Path:] (G O >> NN >> A)

[Label:] How fluent speakers actually say it when speaking rapidly /ɡə̃/ [Path:] (G >> >> ə̃)

[Below the panel:] If you think you don't do this, try to use "hot potato" in a sentence and fully pronounce the first "t" without sounding like an alien impersonating a human.

[just-a-little-cellist]

Hey its me who asked for your The Unexpected Guest, and it was brilliant! I love the idea of part 2 it makes more sense!

I loved your idea of once they get to Rivendell Thorins and readers feelings are explored and some spicy stuff happens

Thank you, and love your work!☺️x

(I'm really glad you enjoyed it! I'm really sorry for the wait for part 2 - uni work, work work and writer's block are not a great combo and I didn't want to rush this (this part also got WAY longer than I thought it would), plus I've made some minor edits to part 1 since I wasn't totally happy with it - been a hot minute since I wrote smut so I hope this is ok :D thank you all for being so patient and I hope you enjoy!!)

(link for part 1 - warning for NSFW content below, oral (m receiving), p in v sex, unprotected sex (wrap it before you tap it))

ghivashel - treasure of all treasures, amralime - my love

An Unexpected Guest pt.2 (Thorin x AFAB!fem!human!reader)

The journey to Rivendell was taxing on all of you, though you couldn't help but feel most sorry for Bilbo. The hobbit was so new to adventuring - you doubted he had ever been out of the Shire before now - and you had decided to support him wherever you could as a helping hand. Just helping him set up camp, saddling his pony in the morning, offering him water, little gestures seemed to make a difference in his demeanor.

Spending time with the hobbit to keep his morale up, especially after the troll attack, did mean that it was getting harder to find a spare moment with Thorin. The two of you had spoken much more frequently since his confession, and you wished for more time, but the whole group was in poor spirits as it was. While they were all happy for you, public displays of affection were just likely to irritate everyone further. And Thorin's burden of leadership would likely not be eased while you were still on the road. For the moment, all you could do was keep moving and offer comfort to whoever needed it.

Needless to say, arriving at Rivendell was a weight off your shoulders. Even if the dwarves tried to pick a fight with Elrond.

You had all taken your time to settle in and relax, having taken full advantage of the elves' hospitality (and you were forever grateful for being able to feel clean after the long journey). When the group of you were provided with dinner and the inevitable food fight broke out, you were happy to see how everyone's spirits had been lifted. However, you couldn't help but notice your One stood to the side. There was a content smile on his face, but you could easily see the tension that still bristled through him.

You soon found him after everybody had retreated to their rooms for the night. It was hard not to hear him - the pacing in his room seemed to echo through the hallway, if only slightly. Raising your hand, you softly knocked at the door, hoping that he wouldn't be too stubborn to talk to you.

"Come in."

Even his tone of voice betrayed his stress. He visibly relaxed when you entered the room though, shutting the door behind you, and you felt glad to at least be some comfort.

You smiled in greeting, and spoke softly. "Will you tell me what's going on with you?"

"I assure you, I am fine. Do not trouble yourself."

You closed the distance between you hesitantly, giving him the chance to back away, and took his hands. "Please, Thorin. I can see something is troubling you."

"I am just... concerned. About the future of this quest, about everyone's safety." You saw a struggle in his mind of not wanting to be vulnerable, but he seemed to give in, and sighed in defeat. "I fear that people are going to be hurt because of me."

"Oh, my love..." you breathed, pressing your forehead to his. "You are the best leader any of us could ask for, and I promise you that you will not be the cause of any hurt."

He gently pulled back and looked into your eyes. "You truly believe that?"

"Of course I do. Those in this company are strong and intelligent. Perhaps with the exception of your nephews," you chuckled, and Thorin couldn't help but smile. "They are all capable of making their own decisions. They knew the risks of coming along, but they have all chosen to join anyway because they saw a courageous dwarf that they wanted to follow."

"I only want to do right by my people."

"And you will. We all have faith in you."

He pressed his forehead to yours again. "You're far too good to me, ghivashel," he murmured.

"All I want is for you to be happy, my love."

And with that, you tilted your head up and kissed him, your fingers tracing his cheekbones as you pulled him closer. It wasn't rushed and clumsy, as it was when Thorin first confessed, but slow and loving, every movement of your lips against his a confession of love in itself. His hands found their way to your waist and pulled you flush against him, trying to feel as much of you as possible.

When you separated to take a breath, meeting his lust-filled gaze was all the encouragement you needed.

"I wonder if there's any way I could relieve some of your stress..." Your tone was playful as you slid your hands achingly slowly down Thorin's chest, and you heard him inhale as you stopped just at his hips.

"Amralime, are you sure? If we start I will not want to hold back."

"I trust you, Thorin." You smiled and nodded towards the double bed. "And we may as well take advantage of the luxury while we have it."

He smirked. "I'm beginning to think you came here just to bed me."

"Hey, I would never-"

Your sarcastic reply was cut off by him kissing you again, with a desperation you hadn't seen from him before. Maybe you had awakened something long kept under control, but any coherent thought of that was soon lost when he shrugged the furs off his shoulders and his fingers found the hem of your shirt.

Soon becoming restless feeling him trace the curves of your waist, you broke away from the kiss just long enough to tug your shirt off. Thorin did the same, and after some hurried fumbling between more stolen kisses, you were both undressed. His hands never left your body as he backed you up towards the bed.

"You are so beautiful, ghivashel..." he murmured, lips trailing along your jawline and down your neck. It was so easy to get lost in the sensation, but when he tried to sit you down on the bed, you stopped him.

"Tonight is about you, my love." You turned the two of you around and gently pushed him back to sit down, taking the time to admire his toned body as you knelt in front of him.

Thorin's eyes were wide with surprise and he almost looked as if he wanted to protest, but the twitch of his already hard cock gave him away.

"You... you don't have to-"

"I want to." His breath hitched when your lips traced his thigh, and you smiled. "Relax, my king..."

Any further protest was soon lost when you leaned forward and licked a long stripe up his length, wrenching a gasp from his lips. Your movements were slow, mapping out every inch of him with kitten licks until he was writhing impatiently before you, until you were done teasing and sucked his tip into your mouth.

The room was filled with the sounds of breathy groans and muttered Khuzdul that you could barely focus on as you continued. Thorin twisted his fingers into your hair when you began taking him inch by inch into your mouth - his grip was firm, but never controlling - and when you started bobbing your head he was certain that he must've been dreaming.

Looking up at him and pressing your thighs together to suppress your own arousal, you watched his head tilt back in ecstasy every time you pressed your tongue flat against his tip when you rose. The sounds he made were so beautiful that it was becoming more and more difficult to control yourself. Fortunately, it seemed you wouldn't need to for much longer. You felt the tension in his body increase with every bob of your head, every swipe of your tongue, and as your movements grew faster you wrapped your hand around the base to stroke what you couldn't fit in your mouth. Yet, when you next looked up at him, he gently pushed you away, denying himself climax.

"Is everything alright, my love?"

He leant down for a brief kiss, still breathing heavily, and nodded. "That was... incredible." He took your hands and guided you to stand, then pulled you closer to straddle his lap.

"Then-" You inhaled sharply feeling his lips and teeth over your throat. "Then why didn't you let me finish?"

Thorin didn't answer for a moment, too busy creating a cluster of pink marks along your neck. When he was satisfied with his work, he tugged your hips down to press his hard length against you.

"Because I want to finish inside you, amralime."

You simply nodded, feeling too flustered and on edge to offer any sort of response beyond a whispered, "Please..."

Thorin stood up holding you, his lips continuing their assault on your neck, and carefully laid you down in the center of the bed. He slotted himself between your legs and wasted no time in moving to prepare you. Pausing to receive a nod of consent, he slid one thick finger into you, and you gasped at the sudden feeling. He soon added a second when you began rocking your hips against his hand impatiently, begging for more.

"Patience," he chuckled. "I do not want to hurt you."

"I don't care." You moaned breathlessly with every curl of his fingers. It felt like so much already, but still not enough. "I need you now, Thorin."

"Who would I be to deny my queen?"

He withdrew his fingers and you immediately pulled him forward to kiss you, a soft gasp being pulled from you when he ground his hips against you, ever so lightly pressing against your clit. Holding himself up over you with one hand, he used the other to guide his tip to your entrance and, swallowing your cries in the kiss, he slowly pushed into you.

His hand found yours and your fingers intertwined while he waited for any signs of your discomfort to fade. It was an uncomfortable stretch to fit his thick cock, but it soon became a welcome sensation, and you wrapped your legs around his waist to urge him on.

He moved carefully at first, until your cries of pain became cries of pleasure, and soon his hips snapped back against you much more firmly. Each thrust hit so deep inside of you, filling you up so perfectly, and his fingers gripped your hips almost tight enough to bruise. You clutched onto him tightly, trying to stay grounded amongst the sensations. One hand was buried in his hair, keeping his forehead pressed against yours, the other was digging into his back, leaving scratches that you were sure would last a few days at least. Though it didn't seem to bother him - every time you dug your nails into his back, it seemed to be encouragement, and he relentlessly kept up his pace. It was firm and deep, but never rough, though part of you wondered how hard he would go if you asked.

With each thrust, you bucked your hips to meet him, trying to get more friction to ignite the coil of heat growing in your core. Thorin's moans soon grew louder, despite him trying to remain as quiet as he could, and when his rhythm grew unsteady his fingers slipped down to circle your clit as his teeth latched onto your neck again.

"Ghivashel..." he murmured, his voice strained. "I'm so close..."

Your mind was spinning with pleasure, and you felt yourself reaching your peak as well. "I am too..." you panted.

His hips shifted just enough to hit a spot inside you to make you see stars, and along with the attention on your clit and your neck, it was enough to push you over the edge. Your grip on him tightened as the coil snapped and heat spread through your body, and you buried your face into the crook of his neck to muffle your cry of pleasure.

It seemed to last forever, and in your pleasure-filled haziness you registered Thorin also growing tense, and you heard his deep groan as he reached his climax and came inside of you. He felt so perfect, and you both stayed clinging onto each other, lost for breath, until you both came to.

Still catching his breath, he kissed your forehead and pulled out to lie next to you, and you couldn't help but whimper at the sudden emptiness.

He lay on his side, facing you, and brought your hand up to his lips. "You are so wonderful, amralime."

You smiled softly and shuffled closer, putting an arm over his waist and tucking your head under his. "So are you, my king."

You glanced back at the door to the room and chuckled.

"What is it?"

"Maybe we should lock the door next time."

[dantakeyoman]

𝐍𝐀𝐈𝐋𝐒 | 𝐣. 𝐜𝐚𝐝𝐞

♡ 𝐣𝐨𝐡𝐧𝐧𝐲 𝐜𝐚𝐝𝐞 𝐱 𝐟𝐞𝐦! 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

♡ *𝒐𝒉, (𝒚/𝒏)? 𝒔𝒉𝒐𝒐𝒕, 𝒔𝒉𝒆'𝒔 𝒕𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒏 𝒂 𝒃𝒂𝒈 𝒐𝒇 𝒏𝒂𝒊𝒍𝒔, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒕𝒘𝒊𝒄𝒆 𝒂𝒔 𝒎𝒆𝒂𝒏, 𝒕𝒐𝒐. 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝒔𝒉𝒆'𝒔 𝒂 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍 𝒅𝒐𝒍𝒍 𝒐𝒏𝒄𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒈𝒆𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒉𝒆𝒓. …𝒊𝒇 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒔𝒖𝒓𝒗𝒊𝒗𝒆 𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒈 𝒆𝒏𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉. *

♡ 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐬 𝐠𝐨𝐫𝐞, 𝐟𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬, 𝐦𝐮𝐫𝐝𝐞𝐫, 𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐝, 𝐢𝐧𝐣𝐮𝐫𝐲, 𝐢𝐧𝐧𝐮𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐨𝐬, 𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐬𝐞𝐱, 𝐥𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐬, 𝐣𝐨𝐡𝐧𝐧𝐲 𝐝𝐨𝐞𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐝𝐢𝐞, 𝐞𝐭𝐜.

♡ * 𝒔𝒑𝒐𝒕𝒊𝒇𝒚 - 𝒑𝒐𝒗: 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒐𝒖𝒕𝒔𝒊𝒅𝒆𝒓𝒔 *

𝐅𝐈𝐕𝐄

"You guys really are hungry, huh?" Dallas smirked, watching the three of you scarf down your sandwiches with an amused look.

Dally took the three of you to a local Dairy Queen, his treat, and he was sure that none of you had come up for air since he handed over the food.

"The kid you killed had plenty of friends," Dallas turned to you, who was sitting in the passenger, "It's all over town...Soc against Grease. I started carrying a heater, man."

"Dal, you kill people with heaters," Pony chimed, mouth full.

Dally pulled out the gun, opening the chamber to show it was empty, "Don't worry, it ain't loaded."

"Hey, mister! You have 15 cents?" A little girl loudly asked, seemingly coming out of nowhere.

Dally nearly jumped out his shoes and scrambled to hide the weapon.

"Nah, we don't have nothin' on us. Sorry," you quickly covered, shifting in your seat to shield Dallas.

"Are you sure?" She pressed.

"Could you please go away. We're busy here," Dally ordered, throwing on some shades.

"Do you have a dime?"

"Could you go away?"

"Do you have a dime?"

"Go away! Get outta here!"

The girl's face fell, but she nodded and walked off.

Dally took a deep breath of relief, taking off the shades and turning to make sure she was really gone.

"Whew, that was a close call," he muttered, now checking all around him to make sure no one else was listening in, "Anyway, Tim Shepard's gang and our outfit are havin' it out with the Socs in the vacant lot tomorrow night."

'A rumble? Man, we ain't had a rumble in a long time.'

"Hey, I didn't tell you, we got a spy," he added.

"A spy? Who?" Johnny asked, stuffing a fry in his mouth.

"Remember that good-looking broad I tried to pick up the night (y/n/n) wasted that kid-." You flicked him in the head, silently telling him to watch his mouth.

"What's 'er name? Uh, Cherry somethin'. The redhead."

"Cherry Valance," Pony sprang to life, quickly swallowing his bite.

"Cherry? The Soc, right?" Johnny nodded

"Yeah, we were all hangin' out in the vacant lot and she pulls up in her little old Stingray," Dally started, "Yeah, that took a lotta nerve."

"Yeah..." Pony egged him.

"She said she'd, uh, testify that the Socs were drunk, and they were the ones that were looking for a fight, and you guys fought back just strictly on self-defense. So it's cool," Dally continued, running a hand through his hair.

'If that's the case...'

"Man, that little broad sure does hate me. I offered to take her over to the Dingo for a coke, an' she told me to go to hell. I dunno."

...

"So, you think she might like me a bit?" He smirked, turning to you.

You scoffed, rolling your eyes, "She's over the moon."

"Hey, I think she's cute. Right?"

"Right," Pony grumbled, tossing his sandwich out the car.

"Hey, what do they do for kicks around here, anyways? Play checkers or somethin'? This place is outta it," Dallas scoffed, taking a look around, "I dunno, man. I've never been in the country."

"We're going back. We'll turn ourselves in," you stated, turning to Dallas.

Johnny spit out his coke, and Dally nearly went dumb.

"What?" He asked, leaning his ear in, as if he heard wrong.

"I got a good chance of bein' let off easy," you repeated, "It was self defense, you just said, Pony, Cherry, and Johnny can testify to that. And we wont say that you helped us. Johnny'll give you back that gun so you won't get in any trouble, Dal."

He scoffed, pinching the bride of his nose, "Are you sure this is what you wanna do?"

"Yeah, I'm sure, man. It ain't fair for Darry and Soda to be worryin' about Pony all the time," you took a sip of your water.

"Hey, I don't guess (b/n/n)'s worried 'bout me-." "Hey, man, the boys are worried. I don't know what's goin' on with you and your brother, but did you know that Two-Bit wanted to go to Texas to hunt for you."

"Dal, I asked if my brother asked about me-?" "No, he didn't ask about you! So what?! You think my old man gives a hang if I'm, uh, dead in a car wreck or drunk or in jail or somethin'? He doesn't care, but that doesn't bother me none."

You glared down at you shoes, shoving another fry in your mouth.

'Of course he didn't ask. That was a stupid question.'

The more you thought about it, the angrier you got.

'The bastard probably wouldn't even care if I was the one dead instead of Bob. It'd just be one less thing to worry 'bout. Don't even matter that I'm his baby sister or nothin'.'

You felt a hand reach forward and touch your shoulder, giving it a soothing and comforting rub.

'Johnny.'

You almost instantly relaxed, the anger-inducing thoughts suddenly melting away, and leaving you a little bit calmer.

"Can't believe this. I get you a hangout, man, a hideout. Look at this, now you wanna split," Dally grumbled, putting the car in reverse and throwing his hands on the wheel.

"Terrific."

𝒋 𝒐 𝒉 𝒏 𝒏 𝒚 𝒄 𝒂 𝒌 𝒆

"(y/n/n), you don't know what a few months in jail can do to you, man," Dally lectured, the four of you now on the back roads of the country, "You get meaner in jail. I just don't wanna see that happen to you like it happened to me, man. You understand?"

"While I'm lovin' the speech, Dally, I just wanchu to know that I've already made up my mind," you stated seriously, "If we stick with the self defense I should be all right."

The man sighed, shaking his head as he took a look out the window, "I dunno, man."

Suddenly, faint sound started to echo through the valley.

A pained one.

It sounded like crying.

"You all hear that?" Johnny asked, eyebrows furrowing as he listened closer.

"Yeah, I hear it," you nodded.

"Me, too," Pony agreed, sticking out his ear.

As the four of you turned the bend, you were met with the image of a burning old building, the smoke staining the sky gray and the cries of the children becoming crystal clear.

Your eyes shot wide, and your hands quickly covered your gasp.

The house was burning with the kids inside.

"What's goin' on?" Johnny asked, confused.

"I wonder how that started," Pony wondered.

Dally sighed, shaking his head as he continued on, "Jesus Christ."

Without a second thought, you jumped out the car, breaking of in a sprint across the field to get to the kids.

"(y/n/n)! Where you goin'?!" Johnny frantically exclaimed,  standing up in his seat.

Pony lifted his leg up, about to get out the car himself, but Dally quickly yolked him up, holding him in place.

"Get over here, man! What're ya doin'?!" Dal called for you.

But it went in one ear and out the other, your mind only focused on getting to that house.

And you had to say, that was probably the fastest you had ever run.

If you had gone any swifter, you probably would've taken flight.

In no time flat, you were there, and it looked like the schoolteacher and some man were in an argument.

"Jerry! Some of the children are missing!" She warned in a frenzy, desperately pulling at his blazer.

"No, they're not, Chris," he dismissed, tending to the hysterical children.

"Look, now, you listen to me! I'm sure of it-!" A blood-curdling scream interrupted her, the sound coming from inside the house.

"(y/n/n), get your ass back over here!" Dally exclaimed, his car pulling up behind you.

And you looked back for a moment, debating whether or not you should mind your damn business.

'What if it was your kid? Your little brother? Your little sister?'

And that thought alone was all the reason you needed, turning around running straight for the side of the building.

"Hey, come back, girl! Don't go near, you'll get hurt!" The man named Jerry shouted at you, which you completely ignored.

Making it to the house, you found a particularly weak area of wood, and began kicking it down with the heel of your shoe, but it was still a little stronger than you'd expected.

"Damn it!" You hissed, kicking even harder.

"(y/n/n)!" Johnny called, running over with a large rock, throwing it into the wall and breaking a hole.

You turned to him, giving him a quick nod of thanks, before the two of you started pulling at the wood, making the hole big enough to enter.

You coughed, a big puff of smoke hitting you straight in the face, but you two pressed on, entering the burning house.

An owl swooped down above you, letting out a loud screech and making you jolt like a wire.

"Man, I hate owls!" You spat, weaving your way through the debris, "Is that guy coming?!"

"No!" Johnny answered, having to shout over the roaring flames.

"How come?! Too scared?!" You smirked, quickly running under a doorway.

"Nah, too fat!" Johnny smiled, the two of you turning the corner to make it to the back of the house, where all of the children were hiding.

"C'mon, kiddos!" You exclaimed, jumping over a fallen roof beam and grabbing one of them.

Johnny grabbed another, tossing the kids over his shoulder, "We'll getcha outta here!"

Just then, Dally broke in a part of the wall with his elbow, sweeping away some stray pieces of wood to open it up.

"Hand over the kids, already! What're you waitin' for?!" He shouted, holding out his arms.

Pony opened up the hole even wider, taking the kid that was on Johnny's shoulder.

You handed over the girl that was in your arms, and picked up the one that was standing next to you, handing her over.

And as Johnny went to grab what looked like the last kid, you heard some more screams.

"Help! I'm over here! I'm in the corner! Help!" A little boy cried.

"I'm coming!" You shouted, turning around and running for the corner.

"(y/n/n)!" Johnny exclaimed, handing off another one of the kids.

"Move it! Get out! Now!" Dally shouted, staring up at the burning roof, which was beginning to collapse.

You covered you mouth and nose with the sleeve of Johnny's jacket, jumping through the flames in the doorway to find the little kid huddled in the corner, terrified, along with two other children on the brink of unconsciousness.

"C'mon, little guy!" You scooped one up, handing him over to Johnny, who just ran in.

Dally and Pony broke in another part of the wall and took the little boy from Johnny, you handing off the little girl.

Johnny picked up the last kid, and just as he was handing her off, you heard a loud and ominous creak.

Snapping your head up to the ceiling, you saw the wood of a flaming roof beam split in half and start to fall.

Johnny being directly on its collision course.

Your eyes went wide, and without even thinking, you pushed him and the little girl out the way, the beam hitting you instead.

"HOLY SHIT!" Dallas exclaimed, catching the girl and handing her off to Pony.

"(Y/N)!" Johnny shouted, the color draining from his face as he quickly scrambled to his feet.

"JOHNNY!" You screamed, the sound of your voice ringing throughout the entire valley, "HELP ME!"

"I'm comin', (y/n/n)! I'm comin'!" Johnny repeated over and over, kicking in more of the wall to reach you.

You back felt like it was boiling, and despite all the screams and the flames, you could still hear the creaking of the roof.

It would collapse any second.

'So this is how I'm goin' to die? Bein' burned to death?'

"I gotchu, baby. I gotchu. Don't chu worry," Johnny assured, scooping you up bridal style and holding you close.

It sounded like he was crying.

"I'm gettin' you out, you hear me? I'm gettin' you out."

You tried to respond, but you couldn't make the words come out.

Your couldn't even open your eyes.

Just as Johnny made it back outside, the entire house collapsed, leaving the three boys to care for you, who was completely unresponsive.

"SOMEONE CALL A DAMN AMBULANCE!" 

𝒋 𝒐 𝒉 𝒏 𝒏 𝒚 𝒄 𝒂 𝒌 𝒆

"Rise and shine, buttercup~" Two-Bit teased with a smile, resting his arm on your bedside rail.

You groaned, your eyes fluttering open to see him, Pony, Johnny, and Dally all gathered around your bed, all smiles.

"Two...I could smell you a mile away," you weakly smiled, each one of them letting out their own sigh of relief.

"Yeah, I'm sure you could," he smiled back, almost teary if you squinted.

Everyone was so relieved.

You were out cold for quite some time, and the doctors weren't sure you would come out of it, but sure enough, as stubborn as you are, you proved everyone wrong.

"Y'all all right?" You asked, sincerely, as you turned to face the three that were with you, "I'm real sorry. I hope you're not off too bad."

"Quit apologizin'," Dally scoffed, taking a hit from his cigarette, one of the many he won from his bet with Two-Bit, "Me and Pony only came out with a couple scratches."

He quickly caught himself, "But you pull a stunt like that again and I'll kill you."

You let out a quiet laugh, "Wouldn't dream of it."

Suddenly, you felt something warm take your hand, and you turned to see it was Johnny, who looked like he was on the verge of tears himself.

But he kept his face hard...for the boys, of course.

"You okay, Johnnycake?" You asked, looking up at him nervously.

"Oh, I'm all right. Just a little burn on my hand," he assured, trying to pull his hand away before you could see.

But you tightened your hold, inspecting closer to see a dark red splotch on the back of it, the skin around it slightly wrinkled and painful looking.

"It looks worse than it feels, honest."

You looked to him, a saddened look on your face, "You sure?"

His stomach buzzed and he nearly turned to putty.

"Yeah, I'm sure. Don't worry," he smiled.

"You were the one that got the worst outta us," Pony chimed, "But the doctor said you've gotta be the luckiest patient he's ever seen."

You cocked a brow, "Lucky?"

"Yes sir, he said that most in your position woulda been paralyzed for life, but you made it out with just a couple a burns on your back," Two-Bit stated proudly, "Said that you'd be back on your feet in no time."

"That's Nails for ya," Dally smirked, taking another hit, "Crazy, man."

You grinned, your smile completely brightening up the room, "That's great!"

"Not only that, but we made the paper," Pony added, tossing you the newspaper.

You caught it, unfolding it to reveal your pictures large and in charge on the front page.

"Hoodlums to Heroes?" You scoffed in disbelief, reading the title, "Surprised they ain't got Wanted: Dead or Alive under my name."

"Nah, they don't haul in heroes," Two joked, sitting himself down at the foot of the bed.

"The station ran with the whole self-defense thing Cherry spewed, so the three of you are pretty much off scott-free," Dally explained, "Who knew your little plan would actually work?"

"I did," you smirked, tossing back the paper to Pony and throwing your legs over the side of the bed, "And now that I'm right as rain, I'll have no problem in the rumble tonight."

"Woah, woah, woah, you're not goin' to that rumble," Johnny stepped in front of you, lifting your legs back in bed, "You just woke up, you're not fit enough to fight."

"Says who?" You scoffed, "I feel brand new, Johnnycake. I can take a lil' rumble."

"The doc says that while you're recovery's gonna be pretty quick, the meds is gonna make the pain come in fits and stops," Two sighed, hanging his head, "I might have to side with Johnny on this one. It's just not safe."

"(y/n)?" The nurse called, walking into the room.

She moved past the boys so she could stand next to you, taking your hand in hers, "(y/n), your brother is here to see you."

Your eyes lit up, if only for a moment, before you were quickly reminded of all that he'd done, and your face fell.

"Now he wants to see me? After I nearly burned to death?" You scoffed, furrowing your eyebrows, "Tell 'im to get lost. I don't wanna see him."

The woman looked surprised, but the rest of the gang knew good and well to stay out affairs with you and your brother, the four of them resorting to looking around the room, whistling.

"It's your brother, (y/n)," the nurse tried to reason.

"Yeah, I know it's him! And you can tell him to take his ass out and go roof some houses or somethin'! I don't wanna see him," you crossed your arms, not moving an inch.

"Fellas, out," a familiar voice suddenly ordered, stepping into the room.

You rolled your eyes as everyone turned to see your big brother standing right there, in the flesh.

It had been a while since some of the boys had seen him, and they could say without a doubt that he had gotten tougher.

He was built like Darry, sure, but a little bit more burly. His arms were big like Steve's, and he loved showing them off in his favorite white wife-beater.

And the most notable trait of them all, he looked so much like you that people often mistook him for your father.

The boys told you their goodbyes, and said their hellos to (b/n), before finally heading out the room, the nurse quickly following them as well.

"How many times have I told you, Mr. Winston?! You are not allowed to smoke on hospital grounds!" She scolded on her way out.

"I don't wanna talk to you," you huffed, keeping your arms and your face cross.

"Well, that's too bad 'cause I wanna talk to you. So you're gonna stop bein' a baby an' listen," he dismissed, walking up to your bedside.

"I'm being a baby?" You scoffed, "(b/n/n), this is the first time I'm seeing you in three weeks! Is me gettin' barbecued the only way for you to wanna see me anymore?!"

"That's not how it is an' you know it!" He fired back, "I have bills to pay, (y/n/n)! Someone's gotta be the adult around here."

"That's why I took up the job at the DX, idiot! I contribute money to the bills, too!" You exclaimed.

"An' I never use it! I put it off to the side for you! So you can have somethin' to getchu started when you're my age," he scoffed, running a hand through his hair.

You were taken aback.

All this time you've been giving him money, and he's been saving it for you? Putting it off to the side?

"Why?" You asked, confused.

"'Cause I'm the man of the house, (y/n/n). Bills an' stuff should be my responsibility, not yours," he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, "I shouldn't even be lettin' you work. You're still a kid."

"I'm seventeen," you cocked a brow.

"That's a kid to me," he dismissed.

"You're only four years older?!"

"You're still my baby sister!"

"But I'm not a baby anymore!"

"I'll always see you that way!"

"I don't understand why you won't just let me help-!" "'CAUSE YOU SHOULDN'T BE HELPIN'!"

You shut your trap, surprised by your brother's outburst.

"You shouldn't be helpin'," he sighed, sitting down next to you and taking your hand.

"When mom and dad were around, all they did was make me help. Chores, jobs, cookin'," he started, "An' I hated it. I hated it so much that when they left an' I realized that that's all I would be doin', I nearly killed myself."

He turned to you with a watery smile, tears welling up in his eyes.

"But then I remembered you, and all of a sudden, I had a new purpose. I wanted to make your life better than I ever had. I wanted you to be able to do kid things and not hafta worry 'bout bills or work or nothin' like that," he cupped your cheek, brushing a stray piece of hair out your face, "I wanted you to stay the little tomboy that was always on my heels, always tryna hang with the guys. An' if that meant workin' a little harder, an' not seein' you as much, then I was willin' to make that sacrifice."

You sighed, and gave him a warm smile, taking his hand from your cheek and holding it tightly in yours.

"(b/n/n), I've had a wonderful childhood 'cause of you, and those years will always be somethin' I hold dear," you started, looking at him sincerely, "But we are in this together, and I have no problem helpin' you out with some of the bills. I enjoy my job at the DX so much, it's barely work. I get to fix engines, change oil, and beat up Steve everyday."

He chuckled, which made you smile go even wider.

"I'm thankful for all that you've done for me, but now it's my turn to help, okay? You keep workin' like this and you'll look sixty by the time you're thirty," you snickered.

He sighed, finally caving, "All right. I'll only take your check every other week, an' no more."

"I'll take it," you smiled, giving him a peck on the cheek, "Anyways, you goin' to the rumble tonight?"

"Yeah, Darry asked me to show out and help. It sounds like the Socs are bringin' an army or somethin'," he nodded, standing up and stretching.

"Sounds like y'all could use the help~" You cooed.

"No," he quickly shut down, his face turning serious, "I see you there and I'll wring your neck myself."

You groaned, throwing your head back into the pillow, "C'mon, man! This is the first rumble in months!"

"The answer is no. You're stayin' here and gettin' some rest, that's final," he stated, walking towards the exit, "Love you."

And with that, he left the room, leaving you in the stuffy, stale-smelling hospital by yourself.

'If they think I'm stayin' here, they got another thing comin'.'

𝒋 𝒐 𝒉 𝒏 𝒏 𝒚 𝒄 𝒂 𝒌 𝒆

[chocodile]

Hello! I've been a longtime fan, but I just started getting into Calico Critter/Sylvanian Families customization myself! If it's not a bother, could you tell me how you add hair to your critters (like the final fantasy viera bunny)? I wasn't sure if you were gluing it or if you'd poked holes in to reroot hair like how doll customizers replace regular doll's hair. I haven't found much other precedent for Sylvanian hair besides your posts, so I'm at a loss ^^'

Hey there! That's exciting to hear! I feel that Calico Critter customization is a seriously underutilized crafting field and I'm pleased to hear more people are getting into it!

I root the hair the same way doll customizers do, yes! Since there are no holes in their heads by default you gotta poke the pilot holes for the hair tufts yourself.

You will need to remove the head with a heat gun or blow dryer, which isn't too hard. I used this Youtube video as a guide.

Box braids and locs (like on the Kaitos and Oscar figures) are the only hairstyles I just glue to the outside of the head. A bit of glue goes at the tip of each hair noodle to keep it from unraveling and then the noodles are glued to the figure's head. Paint can be used to smooth over the hair/scalp transition and hide any visible glue spots.

Some additional tips I've discovered:

Bunnies and ponies are easier to root. Figures with big ears with wide bases or weirder head shapes have thicker plastic and are harder to root. The hardest one I've rooted was the kangaroo... fennec fox also gave me trouble. I plan to root hair on otters in the future, which may not be possible with traditional hair rooting tools. I can tell without even taking the heads off that the plastic is extremely thick. I might need to use a drill on those.

The flocking glue softens at about the same temperature that the plastic does. I'd advise using something softer than pliers when heating the heads for removal or else you might end up scraping a bit of the flocking off.

Some types of doll hair also will melt under the heat gun.... keep the hair covered and away from the heat when you're reattaching the head. Or just avoid low melting point hair materials... I haven't worked with doll hair enough to know which ones to recommend, though.

Longer hair will stick up and look goofy even if you style it due to the small size of the figures. I used a tiny bit of velcro to stick long haired characters' ponytails to the backs of their clothes and hold them down. I'm not sure how you'd do long that's not in a ponytail or braid of some kind.

I haven't found a technique for making locs that I'm really happy with... there are some tutorials online but they're aimed at bigger dolls. On something as small as a Calico Critter they're a bit stiff and messy looking... go easy on the glue if you try this.

Thanks for the compliments and interest! Good luck with your figure customizing endeavors!

[lords-of-mayhem]

🎤 Angsty stuff would be great!

I love angsty songs <3 Here's some songs I like to listen to when I am feeling particularly mentally ill.

TW for discussions of death, drug abuse, and suicide

telescope // cage the elephant (one of my favorite songs ever by my favorite band ever)

In a far and distant galaxy, inside my telescope I see a pair of eyes peer back at me. He walks and talks and looks like me. Sits around inside his house, from room to room he moves about.

Fills his life with pointless things and wonders how it all turns. Safe to say I don't think you understand, there's nowhere left to turn. Walls keep breaking.

Afraid of what the truth might bring, he locks his doors and never leaves. Desperately searching for signs, too terrified to find a thing. He battens all the hatches down and wonders why he hears no sound.

Frantically searching his dreams, he wonders what it's all about. Clearing my mind, losing my friends, follow my fears. Do it again. To be free, to be sold, to be killed, to be saved.

In my head, I'm alone. I'm undead, I'm ashamed. Just like you, I've been trying to be scared. In my bones, I feel cold. Let me go, let me be. I don't need to be here. I'm alone, can't you see?

what a catch donnie // fall out boy

(added context for this song: it is a song lyricist/bassist Pete Wentz wrote the song after his suicide attempt. Donnie in the title is a reference to Donny Hathaway who killed himself, the song is a promise to not "end up like him")

I got troubled thoughts and the self-esteem to match. What a catch, what a catch. Miss Flack said, "I still want you back." And all I can think of is the way I'm the one who charmed the one who gave up on you.

They say the captain goes down with the ship. So when the world ends, will God go down with it? I will never end up like him. Behind my back, I already am.

Keep a calendar, this way, you will always know...I said, I got troubled thoughts and the self-esteem to match. What a catch, what a catch.

legends // juice wrld

I usually have an answer to the question, but this time, I'm gonna be quiet. Ain't nothing like the feeling of uncertainty, the eeriness of silence. This time, it was so unexpected.

Last time, it was the drugs he was lacing. All legends fall in the making. Sorry truth, dying young, demon youth. What's the 27 Club? We ain't making it past 21.

Damn, that's the world we live in now. Hold on, just hear me out. They tell me I'm gonna be a legend, I don't want that title now 'cause all the legends seem to die out.

My mind is foggy, I'm so confused. We keep on losing our legends to the cruel, cold world. What is it coming to? The end of the world, is it coming soon?

my hero // foo fighters (particularly the version where Shane Hawkins plays drums at his father's tribute concert)

Too alarming now to talk about, take your pictures down and shake it out. Truth or consequence, say it aloud. Use that evidence, race it around. There goes my hero, watch him as he goes. He's ordinary.

Don't the best of them bleed it out, while the rest of them peter out? There goes my hero. Kudos, my hero, leaving all the best. There goes my hero, watch him as he goes.

cowgirls don't cry // brooks & dunn

Her daddy gave her her first pony then taught her to ride. She climbed high in that saddle, fell don't know how many times. He taught her a lesson that she learned, maybe a little too well.

Cowgirls don't cry. Ride, baby, ride. Lessons of life are gonna show you in time. Soon enough, you're gonna know why. It's gonna hurt every now and then. If you fall, get back on again.

She grew up, she got married, it never was quite right. She wanted a house, a home, and babies. He started coming home late at night. She didn't let him see it break her heart, she didn't let him see her fall apart.

'Cause cowgirls don't cry. Ride, baby, ride. Lessons of life are gonna show you in time. Soon enough, you're gonna know why. It's gonna hurt every now and then. If you fall, get back on again. Cowgirls don't cry.

The phone rang early one morning. Her mama's voice, she'd been crying. Said, "it's your daddy, you need to come home. This is it, I think he's dying."

She laid the phone down by his head. The last words that he said, "cowgirl, don't cry. Ride, baby, ride. Lessons of life show us all in time. Too soon, God lets you know why.

If you fall, get right back on. The good Lord calls everybody home. Cowgirl, don't cry."

[ninjastormhawkkat]

The Chaotic Four: Curse of The Weremouse - The Problem with Squeaky

"Sorry about that Mouse." Dr. James Jenkins apologized as he turned off the television set. Jenkins frowned with concern as he saw Mouse clutching the couch cushions tightly against her ears. It was a futile effort for the young girl due to her super hearing. Jenkins thought he could help her tune out the talks by turning on the television set and letting her watch her favorite show "Pretty Princess and Magic Pony". Not only was the show not airing around this time. But most of the channels were focused on the upcoming Cheese appreciation festival. Mouse groaned in pain, clutching the cushions even harder. She could feel the mouse brain glowing incessantly. "Steal cheese from festival now! Get cheese for Squeaky!" As clear as day, Mouse could hear Squeaky's voice yelling inside their shared mind space. The mouse brain was riled up with all the images and conversations about the festival. Squeaky wanted cheese and he wanted Mouse to steal it for them immediately. Normally Mouse would fall into the desire and steal cheese without regards of the consequences. But not this time. She could tell her dad was under a lot of scrutiny and pressure about her actions ever since the cheese appreciation festival was first announced. Mouse knew that her dad was called in to talk with the Mayor about her which was why his assistant Jenkins was left to babysit her while her dad went with Mr. Botsford to City Hall. Steven never said it to her face, reassuring her he was just invited to have an adult conversation with the Mayor and other officials about things, telling her not to worry. Mouse knew from the whispers and conversations with Tim and Jenkins, the harsh phone call her dad had received a few day earlier, she knew he was just trying to protect her feelings. That's why Mouse, using all her willpower she could muster, was fighting back against Squeaky's demands. She didn't want to get her dad into trouble because of her. Soon Mouse felt tapping on the cushions, she peaked out and saw Bob standing in front of her, carrying some cheese wedges with him. With one sudden motion, Mouse grabbed the wedges and began to devour them whole. "Thamks Bob." Mouse said with with her mouth full. Bob gave a chirp and a smile as if to say no problem. Soon the door handle could be heard turning open and all three inhabitants turned their heads to see Steven walking in the door. "Dad!" Mouse exclaimed joyfully. She quickly wiped cheese crumbs off her face and then raced towards her dad, giving him a strong and warm embrace. "Hey kiddo how have you been?" Steven asked his daughter as he gave her a returning hug as well. "I've been better dad." Mouse spoke. Her happy expression then turned into a frown. "How did your talk with the mayor go?" She asked a bit hesitantly. Steven's smile faltered a bit. "Things went...okay. But nothing for you to worry about kiddo." Steven spoke in a reassuring tone. "Can you go upstairs with Bob for a bit sweetie. I need to speak to Jenkins about something before he goes." Mouse nodded quietly and ran upstairs to her room with Bob trailing behind her. Steven then turned to face Jenkins who was already giving him a sympathetic look. "So the meeting went that bad huh." Jenkins spoke. "It was horrendous but that is not the point right now." Steven replied in a rushed and excited tone. "Jenkins do you remember that time you built the device that was intended to help curb Squeaky's behavior?" Jenkins face paled with a mixture of regret and fear. "Yyeah I do sir." Jenkins stuttered. "You told me to never build a catastrophic mistake like that again." Steven's face became a bit red in embarrassment and slight guilt at that memory. He recalled how Jenkins had good intentions with that device to help Mouse, but it backfired badly creating a pied piper type incident with the mice and Mouse herself. Steven also recalled how he yelled at (threatened) Jenkins to never interfere in his mission to free his daughter from Squeaky like that ever again. Not one of Steven's best moments. @melodythebunny @erraticeris

[cass-drawss]

The Horrors Of Sweet Apple Acres (chapter one)

THE APPLE FAMILY SECRET

Apple Jack walks along a path in Pony Ville with Winona by her side who hasn't been feeling well. They had just come from Fluttershy's home. They had ran into her at the veterinarians and she had invited them over for tea.

" I've been so scared recently you know" said Fluttershy " I barely feel safe to leave the cottage"

" I get what you mean. It's hard to send AppleBloom off to school somedays. I haven't seen Rainbow Dash in weeks." Apple jack replied.

" The poor dear...where ever she may be i hope she's safe" Fluttershy sniffled " I haven't been able to find Roseluck to get my floral arrangements. I'm worried she might be missing too. These disappearances are getting scary I can only fear who their going to take next. "

" Hopefully no one is taken next." Apple Jack states.

Apple Jack stops at the entrance of Sweet Apple Acres. The sun had started to set and there was a heavy breeze. She stares at the trees, which move and creak with the wind making Apple Jack feel uneasy and frightened. She gallops to the front door making sure to get Winona inside safely. When she comes in, there stands Apple Bloom in the living room. She shifts from one hoof to the other with an anxious look on her face.

" Everything okay, Apple Bloom?" Apple Jack asks. Apple Bloom snaps out of her thoughts replying " Oh yeah! Everything's fine here... I'm just not feelin' too well." Sweat drips down her forehead as she nervously to the side and back at Apple Jack.

" Well uh, okay then, maybe you should go on up to bed and get some rest. Hopefully you'll feel better in the mornin' ." Apple jack says.

" Okay then, Night! " Apple Bloom rushes out of the room and up the stairs.

" There's something goin' on with that filly." Wonders Apple Jack. " I hope she hasn't gotten into any trouble. " Apple Jack walks into the kitchen to find Winona's food bowl empty except for a slimy red residue covering the inside of the bowl. Apple jack looks in the cupboard to grab some kibble for Winona only to find that there is none. Apple Jack recalls that Granny Smith would take care of feeding Winona but hadn't actually seen Granny Smith feed her. Perhaps Granny had ran out this morning and has since went to get some. Apple Jack Trots into the Side house to find Granny, Instead she runs into Big Macintosh. He seems very out of breath and sweaty.

" Are you okay, Big Mac?" Apple Jack asks

Big Mac chuckles nervously " Oh uhmm eeyuup." As he tries getting around Apple Jack to go inside.

" Are you sure? Everythi-" Big Mac interrupts " Yuuup! Everything's fine, I'm goin' to bed!" Pushing around Apple Jack, Big Mac rushes into the main house.

Apple Jack stands in the side house, poking at the ground. " Everypony sure is acting weird tonight. I hope Granny will be all right." Apple Jack walks back into main house to find Granny Smith In the kitchen.

" Hey Granny, I've been lookin' for ya!" Apple Jack exclaims. She walks over to see Granny Smith filling up Winona's bowl. "Did you finally get some..." Apple jack stops seeing that Granny Smith did not have Kibble, but instead she had raw meat, Winona already greedily eating from her bowl before it was filled.

" Granny, is that... that is raw meat! Is that why Winona's been feeling sick!?"

"Well I spose I could start cookin' it for the dear..." Granny calmly replies.

" Cooking it? Granny, why- where? Where are you getting meat from? " Granny Smith sits Apple Jack down at the table. " Is this where all the missing ponies in Pony Ville are going? Granny, how could...Rainbow-"

" Now, now, dearie, don't get yer panties in a bunch. I'm not the one kidnappin' ponies from Pony Ville..." Granny Smith soothes.

" Then what Granny? Where did that come from!?" Apple Jack says pointing to Winona's again empty bowl. Only coated with the residue of the meat.

Granny Smith looks Apple Jack in the face. " It's time I tell you what kind of farm were really runnin' here. This is the Apple Family's deepest darkest secret." Big Mac steps out of the dark with a cold expression on his face. Apple Jack gulping as Granny Smith continued.

" We've been runnin' a lot more than just a regular ol' Apple Farm. There's been a much better way for us to earn our keep. It takes a pretty penny to keep this farm as nice as it is, you know. " Granny smith holds Apple jacks hooves as she talks. Apple jack nervously waiting for whatever secret Granny is going to tell her. " Now you can either help out, or you just need to keep yer trap shut, and don't make us have'ta make ya! That includes Apple Bloom!" Granny shouts, stamping her hoof on the table. Big Mac nodding behind her.

Granny Smith looked up as she started again a glimmer of nostalgia in her eyes " We've been runnin' this side of the farm for as long as I can remember. "

" What, What is it Granny?" Apple Jack presses, feeling as if she already knows the answer.

Granny finally says it. " An underground meat farm." she pauses. " Now I know you might feel a little uneasy but, Every creature has got to eat ,dear. Why not us to be the ones to supply and capitalize on it. It can't all be Salads and Cupcakes. "

Apple Jack chuckles nervously. " Do you think I could see this... meat farm?"

Granny smith shakes her head and lightly laughs. " I think it'd be best for you to go ahead and get some rest and we'll start sometime tomorrow."

Apple Jack and Big Mac stand in the hall outside their bedrooms. Apple Jack shifting nervously from hoof to hoof. "You knew about this?" She asks. " Eeeyup." Big Mac quietly responds.

"For how long? " Apple Jack presses, only to be met with a long silence. "How long have you known about this Big Mac?"

" Since...since mom and pop passed." Big mac pushed out. " Granny needed help."

The siblings stood in silence together before going to their rooms for the night. Apple jack closed her door behind her, hopping into her bed. She stares out her window into the night sky drifting off only imagining what would await her the next day.

[clubsmarties]

That sounded a little like it was a challenge though he didn't say much further on it. "Cold." Wally murmured but still chuckled. Liz could be a bit unpredictable at times but it also made her vastly different than everyone else. It was fun for him in a way. "Though alright. Fine. I guess I'll save the really fun things for normal operating hours." He made a head notion like he believed her and whispered a soft sure.

"Now it is," he replied as his eyes caught sight of her for a brief moment. "Back then not so much. But we lived, we learned and we moved forward. If I could convince her to leave Baton Rouge I would. Actually been trying to for almost a decade to no avail." His mother was a woman who was stubborn and who didn't like change no matter how good it was for her.

He chuckled and shook his head. "That's where I draw the line. Storms are not fun. Also, we don't waterboard," he said that with a slight twinge of mischief in his voice. He'd heard rumblings in the dark alley of the departments but never did he see it. It was hearsay to him. Not something he would give credence to. "Horses aren't scary if that is what you're getting at. I mean yes, if they throw you off but that doesn't happen all too often." He had refrained from telling her about his broken shoulder at the age of eleven. She didn't need to know that. Not if he wanted her to come down with him and pet them. "Can start you off slow with a pony."

He hummed. "I wasn't kidding about that. She had that texted to me." Wally smiled at the memory given how he had just finished surveillance when that text came in on his home phone and had read the list himself. "I think so. I'm sure there are others out there with a more troubled past but," he sighed and shrugged. "I can only speak on my own life but the past wasn't easy. I get that on the outside, what's there to cry about you know. Rich kid, had a home, food whatever. But no one saw that we were a family separated. Deadbeat and abusive dad. Not everything is like the movies. We bled just to make sure we were alive. Truly, Annie got one thing right. I don't know want someone who has a blank slate. I don't want to be their charity case in trying to fix whatever they didn't break. Nor do I want pity. Not someone who looks at me and just sees fragments of broken pieces they think they can fix." Wally released a sigh. "My sisters found good guys to lean on. I guess I've always been single just because bringing those walls is a lot harder when no one really understands."

"She'd beg to differ. She can and will fight you on this." Annie was a great debater, sometimes a little scarily so. "I think it was fate or a combination of it that brought us to the same middle." Wally nodded solemnly. "I hope I didn't overstep with that. I know death isn't easy to grasp as a child let alone an adult. But that was something I heard growing up and it stuck with me." As he listened he understood the place was special to her. More so than she let on. Taking one look at her as she talked he couldn't help but smile. "I get it." he squeezed her hand and let it go. "It's like you have a tradition without calling it that. It makes it special to you. Is it the only time you feel safe to revert back to the memories?"

Wally rolled his eyes dramatically and smirked. "You have my word." The words echoed in his head as he thought them over. It was a fair assessment from him that she didn't like to be seen or bothered. She had that wall he had seen countless times but still somehow she had let him in, little by little until they got here. Planning their week ahead together. "I think that makes you human. Who even likes everyone all the time or themselves?" A curious question he wondered what her answer would be. "Island version of trick or treating. Adult style. Old warehouse that isn't condemned by the way," he added knowing that that would be where most people's heads would go. "Go to on Halloween week to hang out, listen to music and have some fun. There are mazes that people jump out at you and scare. I think one year someone punched a performer. Heard it through the grapevine when one of my co workers came into the office with a black eye."

"Why," he dragged it out. "Would I lie to you? Maroon has always been my favorite color. I'd have remembered if you said it was your favorite color too." There wasn't much he didn't remember when it came to her. "Why would I be pulling your chain?" he asked confused. "Sure, you've seen mostly my suits and that grey one I have but I do have colors in my closet. You're bossy I like it." he smirked and relented. "Okay, fine. But next slumber party you are sleeping in your own bed. I don't want you to argue it." Coffee did sound so good though so he merely nodded to let her know he was game. After closing the door and hopping into the driver side he turned to her again confusion coloring his features. "I've been called weird before over liking such a bright color."

"Oh, you have no idea what I am capable of. " She laughed in response mostly because it was true. He didn't know her, not really. "I'd hold off just to prove a point. Keep pushing it and I might just change my number while you're gone." She wouldn't, neither would she ignore the messages or calls at any hour, she had come to look forward to the talks of cases and questions. They helped her not be stuck in her mind for long, the messages always seemed to come when she needed them the most. Shrugging, she simply said. "Don't get used to it, pal. Admitting things is not in my repertoire, this is a one-time thing only, just because you brought me here."

As she listened to his story, she couldn't help but smile. He always had the best stories and she liked to soak them up like a sponge. Greedily taking in his stories about his family and adventures. After all that talk back in the restaurant she had assumed, as he said, that Hawaii would be his answer and glad that she had been wrong, chuckling at his stupidly rich kid comment.

Peeling her eyes away from the night sky before them that began to blur in the distance into the ocean, to watch his face as he told her this memory. Something about it felt like a moment in time that would not be forgotten, one that meant a lot to him. There were many times that Wally had mentioned the matriarch of his family, a woman that made an ache in Elizabeth open but at the same time made her envious. "That sounds nice." The words were soft and almost carried away with the wind.

"Oh, there you go again." She shook her head turning her attention back out to the view before them. "First caves, then horses. What's next? You going to waterboard me into liking storms?" The soft motions of his fingers on her hand was so foreign but calming for some reason, a little voice in the back of her head told her to put her hand back in her pocket, to stop, but there was a need for the warmth his hand gave her that couldn't be denied. "I'll do the horse thing but I'll have to think about the cave thing."

The fact that he had to pull his phone out for this list of qualities that the person he was looking for made her laugh. "There's a literal list." Pulling away from him a bit to sit up against the wall while he read it off, she began to commit those things to mind as well. Maybe finding him someone to date would give her break from him. While she liked spending time with him and having a friend while she was around, the possibility of becoming attached to a new friend was also something she did not want to do. "Wow," the last statement threw her for a loop. "That's," she tried to find the right words. In all her time listening to what people wanted this was very different from what she would usually hear. "Interesting. Broken person? Do you think you're broken?"

Her eyebrow quirked up at the blank after, something was there but seeing as he always seemed to share willingly without being asked, she wasn't going to pry to one thing he seemed to want to keep to himself. "Ah, so I should lay blame your job and your niece for sticking you into my life then, not fate. No such thing."

"Well, I don't know if you know but," she sighed. "Its more of a personal thing. I know you know about my dad, Orion told me what you guys talked about at the center during Easter. Thanks by the way, for what you said, it helped him, he asks to go see the tall trees all the time now, much to my friends annoyance. He doesn't quite understand that he can't just get on a plane anytime he wants to go from coast to coast." It made her chuckle. "I just like to go during my birthday because that's where I was born and he grew up and I don't know it just feels like a personal thing. I don't like to go any other time. It's a ritual of sorts I guess. I go there and then to India for Diwali and then," she stopped short of saying home because she didn't have one. She usually just went back to New York because that was were her friends were. And as much as she liked being there, it wasn't home. "Back to New York."

Over her shoulder as she made her way down she called back in a sing song like tone. "There better not be!" At the promise of no caves. As much as she would put up a front, the thought of a week of new things to do was exciting. The fact that it would be with Wally added to it, he was nice and there was no rouse, she wasn't someone else she just was, which was nice. "I don't need patience, I just need to be left alone." She argued, but not angrily, just said matter of factly. "I don't like people, which I get is weird since I am one and have to deal with them everyone. But even on most days I don't like myself either, so its neither here nor there. Everyone is too complicated and have so many motives and most days I don't even have the patience for the toaster to toast my bread." Nor did she want to open up, she refused. She'd rather die first than open up the wounds that she hid from people. "Hallo hunt? What's that?"

As he opened the door, she stopped a couple of feet short and crossed her arms. "You're lying, right?" Her eyebrows were quirked in skepticism. "I mentioned I like maroon before, haven't I? That's how you knew to give me this one. You're just yanking my chain, right? This isn't your favorite color too." Closing the distance, she stood just between the door and seat, waiting for him to tell her that it was a lie, that he was just playing around and knew that she liked that color. Rolling her eyes, she added. "Don't argue with me. Just take the bed. You can sleep in late a bit, I'll sleep in the living room on the couch. Like I said, they're going to be in early, that way I don't wake you on my way down. It's not a big day, I've done this before a lot, I know how the Holden's work and what they need, so I'll be fine. I'll make coffee too before I head down so when you wake up you can have some before heading out. " She sat down and smiled at him. "You're welcome, and thank you for bringing me here. And dinner! That was nice."

[royalwriteroftheuniverse]

Summer Wedding part 2 Part 1 here

Dont post or publish anywhere in qny form REBLOGS and COMMENTs are APPRECIATED! Im new at this

Ari trying to figure out how to fix things. But being a schmuck. Sammy is Ari's friend who is a doctor field medic from Red Sea Diving Resort. A jury is a final for college students who are musicians.

Ari was sitting on the floor with his back up qgainst the wooden pannels that lined the walls. His face was still red and remnents from the tears remained on his face while new ones threatened to follow the same trails.

"Sammy you should have heard her,

She called herself worthless peice of shit for making me cry.  Her saying how much she hates herself. How much she loves me. Almost three hours of just straight sobs and wailing."

"Ari what did you do ?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing? Is she safe you don't think she'-"

"No. She just wants me."

"She was crying all night beating herself up and you just sat there and listened. Why didn't you go to her?"

"Because," he sighed "She deserves someone who can be here more im away I'm-"

"Always be coming home to her.

"And I didn't do nothing uh anything.......I made her dinner."

"What happened did you guys just sit in silence?"

"Well she ate her sandwich in her room."

"Did she just leave to go to her room or did you ask her."

"To be specific I put the food infront of her door. With a note to please eat. I knocked"

"Ah leaving food at her door  when she's held up there like a prisioner."

"She's  not."

"Has she left the room?"

"No. But she was crying a lot. Then when I was sure she was sleeping."

"Don't say it Ari."

"I needed to get clothes."

"You. That's. Don't even try and claim it was surveillance. To make sure she was ok."

"No I and didn't kiss her.  Well not really.  I did what I always do when I get in late and she's  sleeping I always give her a small kiss  on her head. I did that and gently moved the hair out of her face and  she always gets a migraine if she sleeps in a pony tail so I took the pony tail out and I smoothed out her hair. I mean its not like I was stroaking her hair an hour. Only a few minutes to try and comfort her. What kind of boyfriend would I be if I let her get a migriane on top of everything else. It's nothing she isn't ok with like I said I do it all the time and I really did need to change."

"Ari I'm saying this as a friend and as a doctor your doctor you  need help. She needs help. Either appologize and say I dont want to break up or ill tell Ethan-"

"Fine."

"What?"

"Tell Ethan to put me behind a desk.  I don't care. I cannot let her just beat herself up like that. I'm soothing her the only way I know how. And she wants me back."

"This is just increasingly disturbing did that not occur to you."

"I know but  I just she looked so miserable. Pathetic. Like a lost puppy you know and just still so beautiful the way her hair laid just so and I just couldn't stand there. I love her to much to hear those wimpers in her sleep I had to sooth her."

"Wow. Ok lets just deconstruct that whole paragraph. You decided to touch your ex's hair, who YOU broke up with by the way, while she was unconscious because you felt bad. Did I miss anything?"

"She also looked too beauti-"

"Ari. You do know how  weird that sounds right? Even if it Too beautiful? Why did you break up with her?"

"She knows I do it."

"When you were two-geh-ther. You aren't."

"So that goes out the window everything we had?"

"Yes"

"But she was so upset I didnt know how else to help."

Sammy sighed.

"If I need to I can-"

"It was so quiet this morning she's usually singing preparing for her jury she's  so stressed about that. They made her do a german peice she has so much trouble-"

"Ari"

"The prononciation just trips her up every time."

"Ari"

"Oh god I hope she didn't strain her voice. She has her Jury soon. Shes been so panicky with thr german they're having her do. I've been helping her with her German. Oh god." Ari stood up in a panic her hasn't  felt since the day Maya was born. He frantically he went into and through Items in the kitchen nd how fast he filled the kettle and turned on the stove before diving into the cabinets.

"Did I pick up that  tea she uses? She could probably use that."

"Ari"

"It's not weird if I make her tea right?. I know how she takes it. She could probably use god where did I put that shit? Ok I know I just saw that honey she uses too. Sh-"

"Ari!"

"What Sam-Oh what here is. Thank god.-"

"Ari- god I'm going to have to bring both of you seditives."

"She has 3 teas left. I should  get more right? Her throat must be so gone. Can you come over tomorrow and take a look she cant hurt jt. Please."

"If be more than haply to but Ar-

"Thank you." Ari sighs.

"But Ar-"

"You have no idea how hard this has been for her-"

"Ari SHUT IT. Listen to yourself. YOU do realize you're the one making it hard. This is not a mission  I mean she sounded +broken when you spoke about her crying and you're freaking out because she might not have enough tea but you're refusing after you already became creep of the month, to go to her. Or I'll  show up and comitt both of you to a mental ward. Do you hear yourself? You're still in love with her."

Ari got the tea before it got too hot and poured some milk and honey in, mixing it together. Ari then put the tea bag in the cup and as he was pouring the hot water over all three."

"Ari you need to talk to her."

"I am"

"Oh thank god."

"I'm bringing her tea."

Taglist

@nana1000night

[henbased]

OC Tag Song Challenge

tagged by @ishwaris @quentinbecks @adelaidedrubman and @hoesephseed

tagging: @8bitpizzacoupons @memaidraws @stacispratt @cameronburke @vasiktomis @johnnycranes @strafethesesinners @gamer-purgatory @amistrio @aceghosts @florbelles @shellibisshe @transdeputy @nuclearstorms and anyone else that wants to!!

step 1 → create your oc (or ocs) in this picrew

step 2 → list 5 songs that inspired (or capture the feel of) your oc. if you chose multiple, feel free to pick your favorite or do songs for all of ‘em! (and feel free to list fewer or more songs if you want)

DEPUTY JUDE BLANCHARD | Far Cry 5

Never Going Back Again - Fleetwood Mac

She broke down and let me in / Made me see where I've been / Been down one time / Been down two time / I'm never going back again / You don't know what it means to win

Bat Out Of Hell - Meatloaf

Well I know that I'm damned if I never get out / And maybe I'm damned if I do / But with every other beat I've got left in my heart / You know I'd rather be damned with you

St. Jude - Florence and the Machine

Another conversation with no destination / Another battle never won / And each side is a loser / So who cares who fired the gun?

As The World Caves In - Matt Maltese

The papers say it's doomsday / The button has been pressed / We're gonna nuke each other up, boys / 'Til old Satan stands impressed / And here it is, our final night alive / And as the earth burns to the ground

Two Out Of Three Ain’t Bad - Meatloaf

And all I can do is keep on telling you / I want you (I want you) / I need you (I need you) / There ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you

BRIT [REDACTED] | Far Cry 5

Jesus of Suburbia - Green Day

Are we demented or am I disturbed? / The space that's in between insane and insecure

Take It To The Limit - The Eagles 

I was thinking 'bout a woman / Who might have loved me / I never knew / You know I've always been a dreamer (spent my life running round) / And it's so hard to change / Can't seem to settle down

Name - The Goo Goo Dolls

And now we're grown up orphans / That never knew their names / We don't belong to no one / That's a shame

Helena - My Chemical Romance

Just like the match you strike to incinerate / The lives of everyone you know

Funeral - Phoebe Bridgers

When I think too much about it I can't breathe / And I have this dream where I'm screaming underwater / While my friends are all waving from the shore

LOGAN EDEN GATES | Far Cry 5 

Wild Orchards - LSDREAM, Kara

Wild orchids / In my DNA / Bloom in supernatural frequencies / Let's swim with dolphins / Up in outer space / You'll never drown in darkness when your surfing violet waves

Uneasy Rider - The Charlie Daniels Band

I had them all out there stepping and fetching / Like their heads were on fire and their asses was catching / But I figured I had better go ahead and split before the cops got there

Pink Pony Club - Chappell Ryan

Won't make my mama proud / It's gonna cause a scene / She sees her baby girl / I know she's gonna scream / God, what have you done

I’ve Always Been Crazy - Waylon Jennings

I've always been crazy and the trouble that it's put me through / I've been busted for things that I did, and I didn't do / I can't say I'm proud of all of the things that I've done / But I can say I've never intentionally hurt anyone / I've always been different with one foot over the line / Winding up somewhere one step ahead or behind

DONNIE | Fallout, Multi-verse

BLOODMONEY - Poppy

Your soul can't be saved for all the sins you've ignored / And the devil is well aware he is adored / Never forget the excess of a man / Because the grabbing hands always grab what they can

Waiting Game - BANKS

What if the way we started made it something cursed from the start? / What if it only gets colder? / Would you still wrap me up and tell me that you think this was smart? / 'Cause lately I've been scared of even thinking 'bout where we are

Verbatim - Mother Mother

Incinerator and a big smoke stack / It's a phallic symbol and it makes me laugh / All I need is a heart attack / C'mon, humble my bones with a Cardiac

Man Areas - Johnny McGovern

This goes to the strippers and the fuckin' pornstars / And them sexy motherfuckers showin' shit on the bar / Get your dicks up! / Get your ass up!

[tzuyuscloud]

Request: hey! i just saw your latest post and may i request Tzuyu scenario or imagine where tzuyu is blind and female reader is in love with her like she is protective, soft, kind and helpful. or the one where the reader is tzuyu's new neighbor

Y/n randomly decided to up and move to a new town without any word. She found herself moving into a small comfortable home in a quiet neighborhood that was full of lovely families. "Ouch!" A small voice was heard from the medium sized house that sat next to her small one.

It was the neighbor. Never catching what her name was but y/n though she was the most beautiful woman ever. She stood tall around 5'8 and she kept her hair in a high bun or pony tail but when it was down it reached the midsection of her back.

Throughout the day y/n built up the courage to knock on the young woman's door and introduce herself with a miniature fruit basket she put together. Also while hoping the woman liked fruit.

"just a moment!" Y/n heard the girl shout from behind the door. About half a minute later the door opened and she stood tall and gorgeous with a smile on her face. "Um h-hello I'm your new neighbor, my name is y/n" you greeted and held out your hand, but you realized she didn't take it. You internally panicked thinking she didn't like you, but she was still smiling?

"hi y/n I'm Tzuyu it's nice to meet you! Would you like some tea?" She asked politely. "Oh sure. I also made you a fruit basket" y/n added as she stepped aside to let y/n in.

"ooh what type of fruit?" She questioned closing the door after she made sure y/n was inside. "um there's apples, bananas, and oranges. I'm kinda boring" she let out the most angelic laugh at your comment causing your insides to warm up at the sound.

Tzuyu and y/n spent the day together talking about their lives and creating new inside jokes with each other. The sky had darkened and the moon floated above them peaking through a few clouds. "Holy crap it's already 11 o'clock" y/n gasped. "I gotta get going, I'll see you later though"

Before y/n could make it out the door she heard a soft, "wait!" She turned around and looked at the woman whom stumbled towards her. "Do you think you can help me? Just really quickly? My friend was supposed to be here a while ago but never showed up and I sorta kinda have troubles doing things as we can see" she rambled. "Wait what do you mean?" You asked confusedly. The tension in the room was high and there was a long pause of awkward silence.

"what do YOU mean?" Tzuyu questioned back, "you didn't know?"

You paused again and rubbed your head confusedly, "know what?"

"you're so cute" Tzuyu giggled, "I'm blind silly" she said nonchalantly but your eyes widened. You then opened your eyes fully and looked around the house at the fact that she didn't have sharp objects or how she made subtly hints when she didn't shake your hand. You felt so stupid.

"I'm so stupid, I'm so sorry for no realizing" y/n stood in the doorway beating herself up about the situation. "You're okay" at least Tzuyu thought it was funny.

She had y/n help her prepare dinner and they both sat and ate together. It eventually ended as a sleepover, but both girls were fine with that.

-

Ever since y/n found out Tzuyu was blind she's been more protective of the woman. They've spent more time together than Tzuyu had spent with anyone and she absolutely enjoyed it. She never had to worry about her friends bailing on her last minute leaving her struggling to cook meals by herself. She could cook but she just didn't trust herself as much as she wish she did.

When it was a nice day y/n even took Tzuyu out to the lake and surprised her with a picnic and took polaroids together. Y/n even surprised her once with a trip to the spa that ended with them both getting their nails done. She would spoil Tzuyu as much as she could everyday to show her how much she loved and appreciated her.

Y/n would do anything to see Tzuyu's smile and her soft giggles. Tonight y/n had planned an at home dinner that would end with a movie and cuddle session. She planned to confess to the woman about how she felt. Rehearsing what she would say everyone second in her mind.

"what's that smell?" Tzuyu beamed up from her spot in the piano room. "Dinner is ready Tzutzu" you took her small, soft hand in yours and directed her to the table where she sat across from you.

"I made steak and Alfredo noodles and bread because I know it's your favorite" you watched as she smiled at the mention of bread. She was too cute. Tzuyu cleared her throat "What's the occasion?"

Your heart started beating rapidly. 'Should I tell her now?' You thought to yourself. "You okay?" Tzuyu asked before you placed your hand on top of hers. "Tzu, since the day I introduced myself to you, til now I've always had butterflies in my stomach. And now seeing that you get happy everytime we're together makes me the happiest in the world. I love you so much and I will protect you no matter what. Will you be my girlfriend?" You finally looked up at her face to catch her reaction. Tears swelled up and she smiled squeezing your hand. "Yes" hearing that familiar giggle that causes a flutter in your heart. You went around the table and lifted her into your arms.

"I love you Tzutzu"

[natehackett]

"i mean, my eldest brother, brian, was, like, fifteen when i was born," he calculated the age difference in his head, nate was prone to forget the exact number of years between him and each of his four siblings. "so, i actually didn't spend as much time with him as i spent with my other brother, jamie. james is only eight years apart from me. so, he was just old enough to have some authority over me, but just young enough that i wanted to do everything he was doing. i think it was a relief for him when he moved out of the house by the time i turned eleven. then there's heather, she's five years older than me. she was forced to drive me to middle school once she got her license, and babysat every time my parents had date night. but, those duties were passed down to me with my youngest sister, beth. she's only three years younger than me. she used to look up to me with these little stars in her eyes, and now the kid's more successful than me, if you can believe it." nate could rant on and on about his family. he loved them a lot, and they were a huge part of why he was the way that he was: his car was a shitty hand-me-down from his brother brian; he'd bought his first comic book on a trip to the video store with jamie and heather; and he used to screen horror movies with beth scaring her so bad he'd end up sleeping on her floor to keep her company lest the monsters show up. god, he couldn't wait to get home to his large, lovable family.

"the wild pony? i've been a couple of times, but always felt out of place. i don't have the cowboy boots or hat yet to fit in with the regular crowd," he bit down on the inside of his cheek. sometimes he would go to the wild pony for shows from bands he followed, but on regular nights he tended to stay at home. bars weren't quite his scene. "the next time i'm there, i'll ask for froggy and let him know his brother sent me. or, will that get you in a boatload of trouble?" nate had probably seen the other cannon brother without recognizing who it was. froggy might have even been the guy who sprayed ketchup on his collector's shirt a while back.

"please tell me there will be no milking of bertha? or, chasing of chickens?" nate felt a chill run down his spine at the thought of touching an udder. they looked like alien tentacles, and there was no way he would be touching one with a six foot pole. he scratched a spot on his arm which was starting to welt from the pollen of the tall grass. "if you think my name is fancy, you should tell that to cotton-eye randy, or robert, or whatever it was. i think that's a helluva lot fancier than 'nathan anthony hackett.'" nate shut up when striker suggested a run back to main street. he could brave a cow if it meant he wouldn't have to brave the desert as the afternoon sun fell and temperatures dropped dramatically.

" ah , so i bet you're a darn expert at gettin' in your brother's ways , getting right up their asses , " was it a biological fact that all little siblings were inherently annoying ?? he supposed he was the same , his status as the ' eldest ' promoting him — whether he liked it or not — to the position of father . the thought of becoming a dad himself made striker shudder , and yet he had wrestled on the boots of his siblings and carted them to school , swatted cigarettes from their hands all in an effort for them to grow up just a little better than he did . " they ain't . one works at the wild pony — you been there ?? he's in security an' usually has to turf me out every damn weekend to stop me gettin' barred . i'm surprised you ain't seen him around . name's froggy , " just like his own moniker , the boys had chosen something cooler than their christian names. anyone that called striker ' stephen ' was asking for a fist in the jaw . " i'm the only rancher , even though i raised 'em knowin' how to milk a cow and chase chickens . " who could blame them for not following in his footsteps ; unlike nate , their family business was less dishwashers and trash chutes and more brewing moonshine in the storage closet . the cane that licked at his arms barely registered as they strode through the ranch . if nate was stuck there for the foreseeable , it made sense to at least offer him the grand tour . " those are people i grew up with back in tennessee . we ain't got all fancy names like your folk . " although there was nothing fancy about big red, ass-kickin' roberts or the aforementioned characters he was raised by . " well , you're stuck here , so you ain't got no choice but to go along with it or run your ass back to main street on your own . "

[starter-library]

ORVILLE PECK'S SHOW PONY LYRIC STARTERS

FEEL FREE TO CHANGE PRONOUNS/NAMES/PHRASING AS YOU SEE FIT

Summertime

“Nothin' holds me down”

“Askin' where the time's gone, Dreamin' with the lights on”

“Tryna keep your eyes on something along the rise”

“You and I bide our time and I miss summertime”

“They punish those who love young”

“Something inside me dies”

“Keep on rockin', baby Keep on risin' on the tide”

“We'll be ridin' all night”

No Glory In The West

“Lived through London and drank through Memphis”

“The things you live by were once just a guess”

“There ain't no glory in the west”

“Hard to think on your feet”

“Tired of beggin' 'em just to compete”

“Shoot to win can feel so bittersweet, But you take what you can get”

“Nowhere left to go, Goin's all we know”

“What's a boy to do? Hit the road with a dollar or two?”

“There's still no rest”

“"Count your blessings," they'll say”

“After each midnight begins a new day”

“Don't place your bets on a word that they say, They'll put your life to rest”

Drive Me, Crazy

“No one on the highways tonight just you and me and the rigs we ride”

“The road doesn't matter, it's how you haul”

“You put up the cards just to watch 'em fall”

“You always said you'd drive me crazy”

“Said it was you and me 'til we died, so hands on the wheel and let's drive”

“Just look straight ahead if you like it slow”

“Take guesses on exits, one has to be right”

“Nothin' lasts forever, that's how it goes”

“Never thought I'd learn to love the snow”

“No time for the past if you're speedin' by me”

“Saw you pass me earlier in the double”

“Just thought maybe you saw me as well”

Kids

“Dare me on a dime to say that we had everything we need”

“You told me to shut my mouth and to my surprise neither one of us has died”

“Washed up, nowhere to go”

“Hate to say I told you so but I'm, I'm just a nervous guy”

“Target on our backs each day, tails turn, or so they say”

“Gettin' low on luck, it's time to fight”

“You call me up and tell me all your frights ‘cause neither one of us has died”

“I keep thinkin' we'll disappear, but years go by still, neither one of us has died”

Legends Never Die

“Been gone back from my old ways”

“Each song keeps me rolling along my way”

“A stampede couldn't break me in my stride and you wanna know why?”

“It gets lonesome on the lonesome trail so keep your head up high”

“Takin' orders never been my style”

“I've been rode hard and put up wet”

“Ain't nothing in this world that I can't get”

“Don't worry 'bout making sure they won't forget. No, it's fine 'cause legends never die”

“Won't stop 'cause I never lost a fight… Well, once or twice, haha”

“Another blow ain't gonna stop me, wait and see”

“You got nothing if you ain't got pride”

“We got one chance and legends never die”

“Baby, baby, you get one chance”

“Sometimes, you gotta break away from the pack”

Fancy

“I remember it all very well looking back”

“We didn't have money for food or rent to say the least, we was hard-pressed”

“Here's your one chance, [name], don't let me down”

“I could see the tears wellin' up in her troubled eyes as she started to speak”

“Your Pa's run off and I'm real sick And the baby's gonna starve to death”

“To thine own self, be true”

“Just be nice to the gentlemen, [name]. They'll be nice to you”

“But if you want out, well, it's up to you and don't let me down now”

“The wheels of fate had started to turn and for me, there was no way out”

“I knew what I had to do but I made myself this solemn vow”

“I couldn't see spending the rest of my life with my head held down in shame”

“It wasn't long after, a benevolent man took me in off the street”

“I charmed a king, a congressman and the occasional aristocrat”

“Now in this life, there's a lot of self-righteous hypocrites that call me bad”

[6knotty6thotty6]

So a couple of months ago, I saw a YouTube video that was an audio recording of season 5, episode 6 of Bojack Horseman, “Free Churro.” In the episode, the main character, Bojack Horseman, spends 20 minutes giving a eulogy at his mother’s funeral. There’s one big problem though, his mother was an abusive bitch. His eulogy is him trying to contemplate what she meant by her drying words, “I see you,” and whether or not she loved him. As someone who has a dead parent who was abusive, this is probably my favorite episode of any show ever for how much it helped me understand my feelings. The comments section is filled with people sharing their pain with their abusive families, but one comment stood out to me above all the others by how raw and relatable it was. This comment was by a YouTuber named Moonstruck. At the bottom of this post is a link to her channel. Please support her. After reading this, she deserves a million subscribers. Also please watch Bojack Horseman. (I corrected some of the grammatical errors to make it easier to read)

Disclaimer: Child abuse, bullying, trauma, and mental health:

Moonstruck: 

This is a great monologue, but one part of it, in particular, really caught my attention was the 'grand gesture' bit.

When I was a kid, I read this book called "Chicken Soup for the Soul." There's a shitload of them. I don't remember which particular one it was. I hated the whole series because it's just someone profiting off a bunch of other people's stories rather than trying to write their own, in my opinion. 

Anyway.

This one story that I remember, the ONLY one I remembered,  was sent in by a little girl. She wrote about how her father never told her that he loved her. He never once, in her whole life, said the words "I love you." I don't remember her mom being mentioned, maybe she was dead; it doesn't matter. The point is her dad was basically an emotionless asshole. Well, one day, this girl gets sick. Really sick. Possibly on her deathbed sick. She wrote that one day she woke up to find a necklace sitting on her nightstand that had a pendant that looked like her dog. She said she held it to her heart and cried because that necklace said all the things her father never had.

I thought, "What a load of bullshit."

A cheap trinket doesn't make up for years and years of emotional neglect. Anyone can buy a thing and toss it your way. Hell, he didn't even hand it to her himself, just left it there for her to find if/when she woke up, then left her alone again to possibly die.

A lot of people say that actions speak louder than words, in cases like political protests and shit. While that's true, scenarios that this that girl are different. Gifts can never replace the words, "I love you."

When I was a kid, my father never told me he loved me. My mother didn't either, but she's a whole other kettle of fish. I would say 'my biological mother or father,' but I never got adopted ones, so who gives a shit. Anyway. My father was rarely around, and when he was, he just spent the entire time fighting with my mother and leaving again. He would do and say anything that could get him to spend less time in the house with her. With us. I can't blame him. If I could've left during those times, I would have. I tried more than once. I even earned the nickname 'runaway' from a family friend because of it. 

I was told that I was worthless as early as I could understand words. I don't know what it is about me that set my mother off, but she HATED me. I was always told how expensive I was to keep alive and how I wasn't worth it. If I dared ask for anything, she would remind me how much she spent just to keep me from starving to death and that it was too much already. On the rare occasion I was given something, it was so she could use it as a threat. She was like, "Sure, you can have that toy horse since we got your sister a real one, but you better behave or we'll give it to her and let her break it." Or "Oh, fine, we can keep this dog as a FAMILY pet (NOT YOURS), but if you do something we don't like, we'll take it away and kill it." 

Oh, yeah. I have a sister. She’s cut from the same cloth as our mother. I don't consider any of them family anymore. She was two years older than me. She was the "we should have stopped while we were ahead" kid. Anything she wanted, she got. 

"Mom, can I have an award-winning horse and expensive dressage lessons?"

"Sure!"

"Mom, can I have a car?"

"No problem!"

"Mom, can you pay for my ballet lessons?"

"Absolutely!"

She was the golden child. The one that could do no wrong and wasn't a mistake. Even after she totaled her car, got arrested for an underage DUI, and got pregnant three times in high school, she was still the good one. I never even asked to go to school dances, parties, or go out with the one friend I had. My sister liked to see me in pain. She'd tell our mom that I did things just to get me in trouble. Whether it involved blaming me for things she did or fabricating stuff, she'd say whatever it took to get my mother to beat me while she watched and laughed. Oh, yeah, our mom was BIG on physical punishment. I've been whipped with everything from a riding crop, a wooden paddle, spoons, and especially belts. Anything that was close at hand when my mother got irritated, I've been hit with it. 

At one point, my sister had three tall, beautiful show-worthy horses. I was allowed to keep a sickly old pony for all of a week before she was taken away, then I'd get called ungrateful for asking why we had to get rid of HER instead of one of the horses. Even though my mother said it cost too much to keep them all. With horses being obviously too rich for my blood, I asked for something cheaper, and for once, I got it. I was given a baby goat that one of our neighbors' goats had abandoned for being too weak, and they didn't have time to raise. I loved that goat. I bottle raised him, and named him Ben. He was my best friend for a while. When he grew up, he got so big that I was able to stand on his back to grab tree branches and pull them down so he could eat the leaves. I walked him on a leash like a dog every day. I loved him so much. My mother had me enter him in a show, and we won ninth place! I was thrilled to have something to show against my sister's collection of dressage show ribbons. I finally had proof that I could do something right! Sure, the prize money was taken away from me, but I still had Ben.

But Ben didn't come home with me after the show. It turns out he was sold to a slaughterhouse because that show was for meat goats. I didn't know until he was already gone. Of course, my mother punished me for being upset and even forced me to write a thank-you card to the people who bought his meat. 

My mother was always like that. Anything I loved was used as a threat. I eventually accepted that loving anything was a waste of time. I learned to detach myself from my feelings, and I got really good at it. I can completely turn off my emotional reaction to anything. One time I had to put down one of the egg-laying hens at work that got too sick to save, and I felt nothing while bringing down the ax. When I lost out on a job that could have changed my life, I told myself how stupid it was to hope for anything good. Any positive emotion I felt got me punished, so I learned to feel nothing at all. To this day, I still have trouble feeling things, even when I want to. I'm taking pills now, and they help, sometimes. 

I've had several suicide attempts. I keep a box of razor blades in my desk just to have them close. I got a tattoo of a heart with rainbows on my wrist. Partially for LGBT solidarity, but mostly to remind myself that there is still beauty in the world. I still struggle with wonder if I actually believe it or not. 

I've tried so hard to be a good kid. I never partied, never drank, never smoked even when the chances were there, and I would have greatly loved anything to make the pain stop or even just dull it a little bit. I was in the gifted and talented program at school and was able to graduate at fifteen. For a while, I was sent to a children's home where I was passed around to many people I didn't know, including a clown who I may or may not have actually been related to, until I eventually wound up out here where I am now. It's all pretty hazy, and the details get scrambled. 

It's been 10 years since I've had contact with my mother and sister. I can't even keep in touch with the one friend I had, even after I lived with her. She's tried to reach out to me, but I just… can't. I try, but I can't. Sometimes, I can almost pretend that my past wasn't real. It's just a hazy fog that isn't really there. I want to believe that if I don't allow something, or someone, who was part of that past, someone tangible and real, into my life again, then the fog will go away. This is why I can't do it. I know I'm a terrible friend. Ariel, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. You're better off without me in your life anyway. 

I typed all of this out because sometimes, about fifty dollars or so shows up in my PayPal from my father's email address. I don't know if it's from him or from her using his email, but it doesn't matter either way. The point is I know my mother is the one sending the money.

I know my mother likes to think she's a good person. She went to church every Sunday, and probably still does. She organized a lot of church events and participated in every church function. I had to be an altar server for several years until I aged out of it and was in the choir. She kept going to that church even after the priest got drunk, called me many horrible names in front of everyone, and was revealed to be a pedophile that raped a little boy at gunpoint. She probably still goes to that same church and organizes things. She likes being in charge. She likes having people look at her and say, "That there is a good person."

But are you, though, Mom? Are you really a good person? Were you a good person when you hit me? When you lied to me? When you laughed with my sister about how much I got hurt for things I didn't do? Were you a good person every time you told me you'd kill my cat or leave my dog at the pound? Were you a good person when you sold Ben to be eaten, knowing that I loved him? Were you a good person when you made me read "A child called It" and told me that you'd start doing the things in that book to me if I didn't behave? Were you a good person every time you told my father I was a liar whenever I tried to tell him what you were doing to me? Were you a good person when you told me I wasn't worth the cost of being alive? Were you? 

Fuck you, Mom! Keep your fucking money! A necklace on the nightstand isn't enough. A trinket can't heal years and years and years of abuse and hurt. You can't hide these scars under dollar bills. I hope you die alone. I know I probably will, but I don't even care anymore. I lost the ability to care thanks to you. You can't make up for the things you did and the things you didn't say now. Too little, too late! 

[revchainsaw]

Coneheads (1993)

Another Entry from 1993. I'm leaning towards the thought that 1993 was a booming year for moviegoers. Unlike my previous review (Demolition Man), Coneheads is a movie that I am not visiting for the first time. I have fugue like toddler memories of the unforgettable silhouettes of these characters but I also have much more vivid memories of seeing reruns of this film on Comedy Central throughout my school years. Of Course, I can not hear Soft Cell's Tainted Love without thinking about this film.

The Message

Coneheads is a Sci-Fi Comedy exploring the American immigrant experience of a family of illegal aliens, but these aliens are of the extraterrestrial variety. All joking aside, that is how the plot presents it's central conflict as the INS is hot on their trail. The Coneheads are a nuclear family of aliens from the planet Remulak. Dan Aykroyd plays the father Beldar, he is employed most comically as a Taxi Driver and also by his home planet as the Time Keeper, whose job it is to inform the invading force of the most opportune time to conquer the earth. Beldar's mate and lifelong companion is Prymaat, played by Jane Curtin. Together they have a daughter, born of Earth, named Connie.

The first act of the film tells of the Coneheads arrival and stranding on Earth and how they are treated as foreigners and second class citizens by the people of Earth. However, they are never assumed to be aliens, just kinda freaky looking. Much of the humor comes from no matter how strange and unappealing they act the Coneheads kindness, hard work, and diligent behavior earns them the admiration and love of their neighbors and coworkers everywhere they go. Eventually Prymaat becomes pregnant and they give birth to Connie.

After a time jump, Connie has entered her teenage years and the generation gap and the culture gap between the Coneheads and their rebellious daughter begins to manifest. The Coneheads are loving parents and Connie a loving daughter and it's just so heartwarming to see such a functional relationship played out as they navigate these difficulties.

Unfortunately, the INS director who had once been on the Coneheads case early in their years finds that the unresolved investigation into these aliens has left a dark mark on his record and could be used to foil his political aspirations. Due to this realization his ambition towards these goals turns his apathy about the case to a dogged pursuit that would put Wile E. Coyote to shame.

Eventually the Coneheads are brought back in touch with the Remulak people and Beldar is forced to choose between his devotion to his culture and his people, and the life he has built for his beloved family as a citizen of Earth. Through some trickery and a decision to spare the Earth, Beldar becomes the anonymous savior of the Earth and the Coneheads are granted U.S. Citizenship.

With our Invader Zim's and Solar Opposites on our plates, does the Coneheads hold up as a satisfactory offering to the Cult of Cult?

Let's get to the Benediction.

Best Gag: 10 fingers, 10 toes, 10 inch cone

The Coneheads is sort of a one trick pony when it comes to humor. No one particular gag sticks out more than any other as most of the comedy tends to be, a Conehead does a weird thing and then people react either shocked or strangely unfazed. However, one seen has both reactions and a ton of that weirdness in rapid fire succession and that would be the birth of Connie Conehead.

Best Effect: Narfle the Garthok

At the climax of the film Beldar is set in colosseum battle against a creature known as the Garthok. The effect is a simple stop motion beast, and it certainly looks corny by todays standards. Even next to an old Ray Harryhausen film the creature looks cartoony. I think that's more than forgivable considering Coneheads is basically a cartoon. I want to take a moment to give props to the makeup department, at no point do i feel like the Coneheads do not look like aliens, they completely sell the very mild alien features that set the Remulaks apart from Earthlings, but these effects are just that, mild. I'm a monster loving boy and I gotta get my monster love out. I love the Garthok, and I may have to admit I've watched Coneheads a few times just to see the Garthok.

Worst Aspect: Just a Dash of Implied Racism

Racism is just an aspect of our culture. There's no pretending that isn't the case, and for that reason for generations racial stereotypes and observations have made it into our films. That is not to say that observations about race being made are automatically racist, however, I think there are some jokes about how the Coneheads are treated in the film, or the things they do that only work if you are familiar enough with racist caricature that the gag makes sense. Unfortunately, these few moments do not go so far as to subvert the gag. For instance, in a film where a black character is implied to be in danger because the police show up, would be an example of a racial issue that is implied because the audience recognizes the implications of how race is a part of American culture, but an implication that the hallways of a building where aliens live in smells funny or that aliens behaving like freaks is accepted implies that the audience thinks that foreigners smell strange or behave in freaky ways, and does not do enough to subvert these stereotypes. Do I think this was intentional or malicious? NO. But it is important to talk about. The filmmakers swim in the same cultural water as I, and the implied biases that you must understand to get some of the jokes are the same biases that are implanted in me. It's just important to note.

Best Aspect: It's All Love Baby

There is a lot of love on display in Coneheads. Beldar and Prymaat are supportive to one another and to their daughter. There is conflict and misunderstandings in the plot, but it shows that a loving family is not measured by a lack of conflict but by how they deal with their issues. Connie is a loving daughter. The friends and neighbors of the Coneheads are also incredibly kind and supportive of the young alien family. Ronnie, played by the ever endearing Chris Farley is so enamored with Connie that he openly accepts all of the weirdness and well intentioned abuse he suffers as a human trying to find an in to a Remulak family with open arms. It's a shame that so much humor in todays film comes from characters being awful to one another. It's refreshing to turn back the clock and enjoy a comedy that runs on such a warm hearted engine.

Most WTF Guy: Dan Aykroyd is a fucking Weirdo

Between Ghostbusters, Nothing But Trouble, and Coneheads I'm coming to realize just how freaking weird Dan Aykroyd is and I love it. This guys mind must be like an Adult Swim bump marathon.

Ambiguous Aspect: An American Tale

The humor of Coneheads is a fish out of water tale, and as such relies heavily on the cultural context of the American Dream and it's relevance for immigrants. In a way Coneheads can be seen as in dialogue with movies like An American Tale, Scarface, and many others. I was born in America, as a military brat, and I have lived in other countries but always on American military bases and where my status as an American was more of a benefit than a hindrance in my day to day interactions with citizens of whatever country I was living in. I have no personal context for these struggles or how the humor of Coneheads is in anyway relevant.

From where I'm sitting I really enjoy how the themes of the film explore the exploitation of immigrants. How Beldar has a genius level IQ and an absurd work ethic yet he is payed in peanuts and happily overproduces for his bosses. I appreciate the exploration of the cultural gap between immigrant parents and their bicultural children. I'd like to think, because I quite enjoy Coneheads, that this movie is sensitive and is presenting these issues in a sympathetic light instead of just using prejudices of "wacky foreigners" as fodder for cheap jokes, but I'm not really sure I'm the position to determine that.

At the very least it's something to chew on. If any of you in the congregation have read any articles pertaining to the subject of how the immigrant experience was portrayed in Coneheads please shoot me a link. I'm sure it would be illuminating to read. Perhaps I am over thinking things and maybe the film makers did not wish to have the movie picked apart, however, immigration is currently and has always been a sensitive and complex category of interrelated issues in our country and if Dan Aykroyd and the other writers did not want to dig into the subject maybe they should have steered clear of the topic in the script.

Summary

Coneheads will not likely be the funniest film you'll ever see. It's certainly a product of it's time and I'm not sure that even then it was for everyone. This is a heartfelt family story but it is also what happens when an SNL skit by a very strange and very high Dan Aykroyd is successful enough to receive a Hollywood budget and a feature length claim to your time. It's by no means amazing, but it is easy viewing. Good luck getting Soft Cell out of your head this week.

Overall Grade: C

[playboypony]

High As A Kite - Chapter Two

Johnny’s POV

Pony and I are eating our hamburgers while Darry, Soda, and Steve talk. Two-bit didn't come and Dal isn't around.

I wonder where Dal is.

"Pony, Johnny, are you two okay?" Soda asks. I feel a little sick, "You two don't look so hot."

Ponyboy shakes his head and runs to the bathroom. I stay at the table so I can eat the rest of my hamburger, it's so good.

"Johnny?" I look at Darry, "Are you good?"

"Yeah, I just need to eat," I say. I finish up my hamburger and I start on my french fries.

I want more beer...I drink every week and I seriously like getting drunk- oh no, am I saying this out loud?

"Yes," Darry is shocked.

I don't say anything. All I do is eat french fries and drink cherry cola. Dal walks into Dairy Queen and sits down beside me. He starts smoking.

"Johnny, man, have you been drinking?" I nod, "I told you not to drink anymore."

"Hey, you drink all the time," I point out, "Why can't I drink? By the way," I take a sip of my cherry cola, "It's my birthday, I have every right to celebrate."

"I know it's your birthday, man, but you're drinking for the wrong reasons," Dally tells me. I get up and walk out of the restaurant.

I'm not taking crap from Dal. No, not today. Not on my birthday! I should be happy, I should celebrate the way I want to celebrate. I don't care if the others say I can't drink.

I run to a nearby tree and I fall to the ground. I'm very dizzy and nauseous. I start puking my guts out. I'm crying while I puke. This isn't a good combination.

"Johnny?" I hear my name. I finish puking my guts out, "Can we talk?" I know it's Darry. I scoot back so I can lean on the tree, "Please?" He bends down so we can be eye to eye.

"Leave me alone," I say before I start sobbing.

Darry sits down beside me. He says nothing while I cry. Why am I crying now? I have no idea. I've been through a lot in the last couple months and I guess crying is the only thing I can do right now.

"I know losing your parents is a big deal," Darry tells me, "I understand how you feel. Pony, Soda, and I miss our parents a lot. For a year now, I've been their guardian. It's hard." I lean on him, "It's hard on them too."

"I-I don't know why I miss them," I say, "They've treated me like crap."

"You're holding onto the good memories," Darry points out, "You've been living at our house for two months now, and you've been telling us stories when you were a kid." I nod, "Johnny, that's good and everything, but eventually, you should let go," he wraps an arm around me, "Pony, Soda, and I aren't grieving no more about our parents. Soon, you will stop grieving too."

"Darry, I'm sorry," I say, "I didn't mean to get Pony in trouble-"

"Don't worry about that right now," he tells me, "Why are you drinking every week?"

I don't answer.

"Johnny?" Darry is getting impatient.

"I thought alcohol calms the nerves. I've been so stressed and sad, I need something to help me," I tell him. Ponyboy comes out here, he sits beside us, "Pony knows all that."

"Think about this, kiddo," Darry starts, "Who's been drinking for the same reason?"

"M-My Dad?" I ask.

"Yes, and what did he do to you and your mom?" Darry asks.

"Verbally and p-physically abused us," I start sobbing loudly again, "Oh god!"

"Do you want to turn out that way?"

"No!" I shout. I hug Pony and start sobbing into him, "No, no," I shake my head. Pony is holding me tightly.

"There might be other reasons, Johnny, but Dal is right. You're drinking for the wrong reasons and you need to stop. Pony, why were you drinking?" Darry asks.

"Celebrate," is all he said.

All of us don't talk for a while. The only sound that is disturbing our silence is me crying loudly. I never broke down in front of Darry before. I only broke down in front of Pony and Dal.

"Do you guys want to go home?" Darry asks.

"Yes," Pony and I say at the same time.

Darry walks off so he can talk to the others. I look at Pony and ask, "Are we in trouble?"

"Don't worry about getting in trouble, Johnnycakes. Let's just head home," Pony tells me. Darry walks out of Dairy Queen with the rest of the gang. Pony and I are still on the ground when they come over to us.

"Get up," Darry orders and we obey, "We're heading back to the house," Dal, Steve, and Steve nod, "You guys have fun at Bucks," they walk off. Pony and I look at Darry, "Buck has a party. Let's go."

——

We get to the Curtis house. Darry tells us, "I am going to Bucks. You two better go to bed. Lay on your sides."

"You go to parties now?" Pony asks.

"Soda and Steve wants me to go," Darry tells us, "I've been saying no to them for a while now. I thought it was time for me to say yes."

Pony and I nod. We get out of the car and watch Darry drive off.

"I'm tired," Pony says, "Lets go to bed."

We walk into the house. I pause for a minute and look at the fridge. I walk into the kitchen so I can get a beer.

"Johnny!" Pony gets my attention, "Please don't." He walks into the kitchen and grabs my arm. He drags me up the stairs and to our room.

Pony and I share a room while Soda sleeps on the couch. I feel bad for Soda, but Darry and Soda said it's fine.

"Here," Pony grabs my pajamas. I usually sleep in clothes while Pony only sleeps in his underwear. But tonight, Pony is going to sleep in his clothes. He's already on the bed dozing off. I turn around and change.

I lay down beside Pony. He's already asleep. I know I can't fall asleep. All I want to do is cry.

So that's what I do.

I close my eyes and let the tears pour down my face. I try to be quiet, but I woke Ponyboy up. He sits up and looks at me, "Do you want to talk?"

"You already know what I'm crying about. Darry basically told me I will turn out like my father if I keep this up," I sit up, "What should I do?"

"Stop drinking and..." Pony looks away.

"And what?" I ask.

"It's been two months, Johnnycakes," Pony tells me, "No offense, but I think you should let go. They've treated you poorly," I look away, "Why should you grieve for the people who were your worst enemies?"

"It's the way they died, man," I admit. I never told him what happened to my parents. Only Darry knows because he was the only one at the Curtis house when everything happened, "My Dad fired a man at work. The man knew my mom because his girlfriend worked with her. When my parents got home, they got into an argument like usual," I look at Pony, "The guy and his girl came to the house and shot them. After that, they shot themselves."

"Oh my god," Pony is shocked.

"You were at a track meet and I had to walk home alone. No one was at your house except Darry. He called the cops because he was the one who heard the gun shots. He was the one saw the four dead bodies first. When I came home, cop cars were parked. I also saw an ambulance. Darry was standing in the front lawn of his house. He told me everything and I broke down."

"I'm so sorry."

"Pony, I saw them. I saw their dead bodies," I say, "I'll never forget that. I'm grieving because of they way they died! I'm not grieving because I miss them."

I lay down and cry into my pillow. Pony lays down too, I can feel it. I thought he was going to fall back to sleep, but he surprises me.

"It's okay, Johnnycakes," Pony wraps his arm around me, "You're going to be okay."

I smile when Ponyboy holds me tight. Eventually I stop crying, "Goodnight, Pony," I whisper. I want to kiss him, but what happens if he wakes up?

"Goodnight," He whispers back before I doze off.