#can you tell i’m thinking about limerence?

[comatosebunny09]

First time in a long time sex.

That yearning sex. That “I’ve pined for you for years” sex. That “I’ve missed you” sex.

Hot, heavy, sweaty. Ugly. Mouths open, panting. Raw. Unfettered. Breathless chuckles and goofy grins throughout. Intense eye contact. Groans slipping through parted, kiss-swollen lips.

Been at it for hours. No sense of time.

“Take me, take me, take me,” he praises like a mantra, the curl of his voice making your walls hiccup around him as he rubs your clit.

A hand wrapped around your throat. A thumb drawing your lip down, pushing into your mouth. Tongue jutting out to taste it.

Open-mouthed kisses, sighing each other’s names. Your nails embedding waning moons into his traps. His grip bruising, body mooring you to the bed.

He won’t let you get away—not this time. Not like you’d want to. Waited so long to feel him like this.

He pounds into you so good until you’re both soundless, yet you can’t look away. Skin slapping. The headboard smacking against the wall. Bed threatens to give way.

Like he can’t buy another one.

Tears stream down your face, and he furrows his brows. He leans down to pour every emotion he’s held back into your body with a kiss.

Your fingers twine together. Squeezing. He pants against your lips, hips stuttering. The world slides into a blissful shade of white. Toe-curling, mind-numbing, tongue-lolling sex.

I need that.

[bearr02]

Limerence |JJK - Teaser|

Limerence - The state of being infatuated or obsessed with someone.

Pairing: mafia boss!Jungkook x f!reader

Teaser warnings: angsty, Jungkook’s being kind of an ass

Summary: You never thought you would be tied up with the mafia, your life having been boring and the same. However, when a god of a man walks into the cafe you work at, you want to catch his attention in hopes you won’t feel so lonely anymore. Two thoughts that don’t cross your mind, one, that the stranger has been observing you for the past couple months, two, that he’s one of the biggest mafia bosses in all of Korea, deciding both of you that you will be his wife.

Genre: angst, non-idol au, yandere!Jungkook, smut..

Word count: 426

A/n: ik this is short, but I think it’s a decently good teaser and I’m really excited to put this out there, I probably won’t update too terribly often, considering my other series’, safe and sound being my main which will be the most updated, but like I really wanted to do this :)

This will, of course, be in a chapter most likely later on in this series, after they start dating and Y/n moves in with JK, so kinda just a sneak peak on what it’ll be like later :)

“I’m..I’m pregnant.” You whisper, looking at your hands as you nervously play with them. “You’re what?” Jungkook’s cold voice rings in the air. “You said you were on the pill.” Jungkook says, his chair screeching as he pushes it back and stands. You flinch at the sound, keeping your eyes trained on your hands.

Jungkook’s tattooed hand makes its way into your hair, fingers curling around the strands before he yanks you up by your hair. “Ah!” You whimper, fingers curling around Jungkook’s arm. “How are you pregnant, if you’re on. The fucking. Pill?” He asks, fingers tightening on your hair when your eyes squeeze shut. “I-I ran out.” You whimper out, looking at Jungkook through teary eyes. “You ran out?” He asks, laughing. “Why didn’t you fucking tell me?” He asks, slamming you against a nearby wall. “I tried!” You yell, fighting against him.

Jungkook frowns, his free hand coming up to your throat, fingers curling tightly around your neck. You gasp for air, brows furrowing at the lack of it. “Do not fucking raise your voice at me.” He growls, face coming closer to yours. You attempt to say sorry, your lips only moving as nothing comes out because of Jungkook’s hold on your neck. “I’m getting you abortion pills.” He says, removing his hands from you before walking away.

You fall to the floor, gasping for air. “I..wanna..keep it.” You gasp out hoarsely, a hand resting against your throat. “You what?” Jungkook asks, voice dangerously low as he walks back towards you. “I wanna keep it.” You say, louder this time. “We’re not gonna fucking keep it.” Jungkook says, standing beside your hunched over frame. “Then I am.” You say.

Jungkook scoffs, “And how the fuck are you gonna do that? I can just kill it when you’re sleeping.” He says, crouching beside you. “Then I’ll run away.” You say, looking up at Jungkook. His eyes darken, a frightening frown pulling at his lips.

Then he’s lifting you up by your hair, dragging you down the hall to your shared room. “Let me go!” You beg, back burning from the carpet where your shirt has ridden up. “Clearly you need to learn a thing or two about trying to leave me.” Jungkook says. Your heart sinks, clawing at his arm to no avail. “Please.” You say, a sob slipping past your lips as he opens the door. “Please!” You beg, louder.

“I need to get you back in check, baby. I’m in charge and you’re not. You never will be.”

A/n: I hope y’all like this, I honestly am really excited for this

Permanent taglist (open):

@viankiss @lizzymizzy-blogg @teddymoon06 @rln-byg @skyys-universe

Series taglist (open):

[glisten-inthedark]

STanon, some commentary on e1 of season 3–

it’s funny how when I first watched season three, I thought Hopper was being entirely too protective and controlling regarding Mike and Eleven, but now that I’m a Byler shipper and I’ve seen more analysis and also since season four happened, I find his wording of his frustration with the situation extremely interesting

we all know that Hopper in season one both acknowledges that he was sexually active in high school so you would think that, even if he was being protective of El as his daughter, he would think them being all excitable and kissy in their first ever relationship would be “normal.” it happens all the time: hormones, inexperience, eagerness, the honeymoon stage of having your first ever bf/gf

but what Hopper says is this: it’s constant, it’s not normal, it’s not healthy.

not “it’s annoying” or “it’s inappropriate” or “they’re moving too fast” or anything I’d expect a father who’s stressed about his daughter growing up or who’s protective of her and wanting to shelter her from boys/kissing/eventually sex

constant, not normal, not healthy.

each one is so interest to me. constant and we see a great parallel between Mike and El, and Lucas and Max, where they’re dating and it’s clear they like each other but they’re not constantly sucking face and we see them having other interactions and fun exchanges of dialogue that make their relationship feel a bit more real. not normal despite Hopper having also been a hormonal young teenager who knows what having your first relationship is like so you would think that if this was “normal” he would recognize that even if he didn’t like, or that Joyce would call him out on it. not healthy which is a more emotion and psychology-heavy term and odd considering in this same scene Hopper is being very emotion-avoidant.

hell even my mom started agreeing lol like when Hopper said it was the first day in 6 months that Mike and El haven’t met up at the cabin she was like “whoa that’s way too much” and we both agreed that the way Eleven told Mike he could still come visit her even though he was telling her his grandma wasn’t okay also wasn’t healthy. imo it’s bordering a bit close to codependency which is why I’m really glad she and Max start hanging out.

Hello! This is one thing that always got to me too!

What Hopper says about Mike and El's relationship is very telling, because like you said, he didn't said they were annoying of that they were going too fast.

No, what he says about it is that it isn't normal or healthy, and we sure, we can assume he's exaggerating at first, however we'd soon learn he isn't.

Will talks about Mike blowing them off all summer to be with El, he's constantly around her and she's constantly around him.

Some of Mike's behavior lead me to believe he was in dealing with limerence, obsessing over Eleven in order not to deal with other things. And if we are on the team bisexual Mike Wheeler it might further help with this hypothesis.

At one point, they were becoming too connected, almost codependent on some levels.

And we can't excuse that on them being teenagers, while most teenagers might experiment and get into relationships, most of them do have emotional maturity to navigate friendships and being in relationships.

And while during season 3 Mike was acting like this towards everyone, in season 4 it became clearer that he had Will adjacent issues he needed to deal with because he never sent Will any letters.

One thing to note as well, as that Mike - who's usually defensive - made no attempts to tell Will he was trying to call and talk to him, and I me wonders why.

[asirensrage]

Limerence

Title: Limerence

Fandom: Tokyo Revengers

Rating: T?

Pairing: Haitani Rindou x Unnamed!Undescribed!FemaleOC

Word count: 1.5k

Warnings: Swearing. Slight obsession. A little stalking. Voyerism? Unbeta'd

Summary: It feels like forever since he’s seen her like this. Maybe that’s because of juvie but…he’s missed it. He doesn’t even know her name. 

Notes: This is the cutest thing I've written in a long time. I hope you enjoy it. I did. It's from his pov. Please let me know what you think.

TR masterlist

“You staring at her again?”

“Fuck off,” he says, not looking back towards his brother. He’s leaning against the window slightly, gaze soft as he watches her in her apartment. They’ve lived across from each other for years. He can hear the soft thump of the bass of the music she’s blasting. It’s not loud enough for him to make out what song it is, but she’s jumping around and dancing, singing along as she cooks. It feels like forever since he’s seen her like this. Maybe that’s because of juvie but…he’s missed it. He doesn’t even know her name. 

His brother leans in, face next to his, looking to where his gaze is lingering. “She’s still cute. You think she knows she has a stalker?”

Rindou shoves Ran away. “Fuck off,” he snarls. “I’m not a stalker.”

“No? You’ve been obsessed with her since you first noticed her.” 

He tries not to flush in embarrassment. Of course Ran knew that. His brother knew everything that went on in Rindou’s life and it was both amazing and awful. The two of them did everything together but this…this was something that was only Rindou’s. At least it was supposed to be.

Rindou gets up, moving away from the window, despite the fact that his mind is still on the way she moves so freely. Her blinds are always open during the day as if she has no care that people can see her. He wants to know what clubs she goes to, if he can find a way to meet her naturally on the street. He wants to feel her pressed up against him, smiling at him the way she does as her pet. He wants to know what she’s like in real life…if she’s as outgoing in real life as she looks. 

Ran laughs. “Why don’t you just go knock on her door? Tell her you’ve been watching her and think she’s cute!” Rindou ignores him and leaves, slamming the door shut behind him. 

He’ll never admit how much he thinks about her. Especially not to Ran. He does though. He daydreams sometimes about what it would be like to be in her apartment with her, to see her dancing in his kitchen as he plays music for her. He thinks about taking the headphones off from around his neck, placing them gently on her head and playing one of the songs he’s created. He wants to know what she thinks about it, if she likes it, if it would make her move…

🎧

So when he does finally, literally, run into her outside on the street, completely by accident, Rindou is struck silent when she grins at him and apologizes. She raises her eyebrows, her smile growing a little wider as she looks at him. 

“You alright?”

“What? Yeah!” he says, head shaking slightly as he tries to pull himself out of the shock. His cheeks heat as he realizes he’s making a fool out of himself in front of her. “It’s fine, don’t worry about it,” he tries to recover. He grins at her, “You good?”

She looks at him like she’s aware that he’s trying to play it off. “I’m good,” she agrees.

He clears his throat and looks away, wanting to run a hand through his hair. He stops himself though, shoving his hands in his pockets and grateful that Ran isn’t with him to see this train wreck. “You uh…live near?” he asks, lying through his teeth like he doesn’t know exactly where she lives. Fuck. Ran is right. He is a stalker. 

“Yeah,” she says but doesn’t elaborate. He can’t blame her. 

“Me too. My brother and I live in that building over there.” He points it out, partly to reassure her he’s not some random creep and partly because he wants her to know. He wants her to be as curious about him as he is about her. 

“Oh!” She blinks in surprise. “Really? How long have you lived there? Did you just move in?”

“Ah…” he’s pretty sure she breaks his heart with that question. “No, we…we’ve lived there for years.”

“Really? I’ve never seen you around before,” another strike to his heart. “-nd I usually see a lot, I would’ve noticed you-” She pauses before she covers her mouth like she didn’t intend to say it out loud.” Never mind. His heart might just be repaired.  “I mean, walking my dog,” she says quickly. “I usually see a lot of people when I take him out.” 

“I would’ve noticed you too,” he says, grinning a little wider. 

She bites her lip at that, looking away. Fuck, she’s cute. Cuter in person too. Especially when she’s clearly flustered by him. 

“I’m Rindou,” he introduces himself. He doesn’t know if she knows what he and his brother do, or why they’re famous in Roppongi, but he doesn’t want her scared off before he gets the chance to know her. 

“Hi Rindou,” she says, voice a little softer, a little sweeter. It’s enough to make his stomach clench. 

“Hi,” he repeats, not looking away. He just wants to lean down, to see if she tastes as good as he imagined considering how much fucking better she was in person already. 

She introduces herself, saying a name that he repeats twice just to make sure he memorizes it and to cherish the way it sounds and feels when he says it. If he thinks about how good their names sound together, or how good hers sounds with his last name…he’d rather die before he admits that to anyone. 

“You just coming home?” he asks, motioning to the cloth grocery bag she’s carrying. 

“Yeah, just did some shopping. You?”

“Nah, heading to the gym. You…can I take you out sometime?” He asks before he loses his nerve and before his brother can show up and whisk her away without even meaning to. Is she single? He never considered her not being so, but it’s fine. If she isn’t he can deal with that. One way or another. 

She blinks at him in surprise before she tries to stop herself from smiling. He grins at the tension in her cheeks and how she’s dragging her teeth over her bottom lip again. He really wants to taste it. 

“Um, yeah,” she says, finally giving into the smile. It’s like being faced with the sun. Bright and warm and renewing. She nods as if to reaffirm her choice. “Yeah,” she repeats. “Maybe we can exchange numbers first? Then plan something? I wouldn’t want to keep you from the gym.”

“It can wait,” he says, digging out his phone from his pocket. He unlocks it, opens his contacts and hands it over to her. 

She takes it and his fingers slide against hers as she does. They feel soft and warm, and he has to shove down the automatic thought of how soft her skin probably is in other areas….or how her hands would feel touching him. 

He watches as she types in her name and her number. She calls herself before she hands it back, refusing the call on her own phone as he takes it. 

“Now I have your number too,” she smiles softly. 

“Good,” he says, meaning it completely. “Good.” He stares at her for a moment, wishing he could say more but he knows he can’t. He doesn’t want to freak her out and he really, really, doesn’t want to ruin this. Not when he’s finally talking to her. 

“Okay, Rindou, I…I should go in. Put this in the fridge.”

He takes a deep breath and nods. “Yeah, right. I should…I’m meeting a friend,” he says. “A guy friend. We work out together,” he explains quickly, not wanting her to get the wrong idea. 

She giggles slightly at him and he tries to burn the memory of the sound into his brain. He wants to hear it again. He wants to hear every sound she makes. “Okay,” she says, grinning at him. “Text me when you have time.”

“I will,” he promises like he’s not going to have to quell the urge to message her immediately once they part ways. “Say hi to your dog for me.”

“I will,” she says, biting her lip again. She’s going to drive him crazy. He knows it. He’s going to fantasize about her lips and the way she might leave bite marks on him. Okay, he really needs to leave before he does something stupid. 

“Okay,” he says because he doesn’t actually want to say goodbye. 

She grins again. “Bye Rindou.”

“Bye,” he sighs before he realizes what he’s done. He clears his throat and looks away, cheeks heating in embarrassment again. He grins sheepishly and rubs the back of his neck. She laughs lightly before turning and leaving. Rindou watches her go before he has to shake the thoughts out of his head and he forces himself to head to the gym. He needs the distraction now…if only to keep himself from gloating that he has a date with his dream girl. He can’t wait. 

everything taglist: @raith-way @zeleniafic @veetlegeuse  @chickensarentcheap @residentdormouse @themaradwrites @kingsmakers @far-shores

also @sxrvivc who listens to me ramble about TR and all my writing for it lol

And the Network: @enchantedforest-network

[jessthetea]

This is gonna be long & my opinion. I think Jess realized that she fucked up when she posted that tribute to Liam (3 weeks late at that) & due to Jamie’s mother’s comment and Jamie’s post the morning after she can’t delete it because if she did, it will look more suspicious. I believe she exposed herself, & even more exposed the true relationship that she & Jamie were supposed to be before she exposed them. She was so engulfed in craving attention on her connection to Liam from the fact that she was not getting any engagement on her page & was becoming irrelevant because Jamie was not giving her content anymore (so she took that hook-up that she had with Liam and twisted it to her narrative to get attention) that she did stupidly forget that Jamie’s mom & brother was following her & due to his mom being confused about her, her work & her connection to Liam, she exposed her true relationship with Jamie & his family. She basically told on herself that Jamie doesn’t have her around his family because what committed & loving relationship where your boyfriend‘s family hardly knows who you are or what your job is? I’ve seen Jamie’s other exes, & his parents/brother knew who his girlfriends were so it’s pretty odd that they hardly know who Jess is, that’s red flag #1. Red flag #2, to me leads to signs that she wasn’t supposed to be a serious long-term girlfriend, #1 Like I just said his family hardly knows who she is, another one, in the three years they have been dating to my knowledge, when did Jamie publicly say that he loves Jess? He may have mentioned her in conventions & said, bless her for putting up with him (which sounds like something she would say to him for him to say that because he never said that with his other exes from what I remember until he ended up with her) but has failed to say the L word about her? Jess stans would have an excuse & say he doesn’t have to say it out loud when he can say it in private, but he has publicly said he loves his ex-girlfriends on social media when he was with them, so again odd that he never said he loves Jess & if he’s not able to say in public 50-50 chance he’s even saying it to her in private. I think they weren’t a couple when they were together in 2021. I believe it was a fling to where she was a distraction & that he had limerence for her to get over his break up with Ruby, so it wasn’t supposed to go public & then once he was over his break up & whatever they agreed on he more likely was gonna break it off, Jess may have agreed to it, knowing that Jamie didn’t want anything serious with her & was even lucky to get his attention to get in bed with her so she definitely exposed them on the beach, so Jamie’s back was against the wall so where he couldn’t help but confirm that they were together even though it was months later. No committed boyfriend will wait months to confirm or claim you. (not saying that Jamie was just using her to make him seem bad. I’m sure that he thought he liked her but it wasn't anything serious). Like the first year that they were publicly dating it does seem like they were happy but was probably due to Jamie trying to make it work & thought that he liked her but as you can see it went downhill pretty fast. Also, the fact that she was stalking him since 2015 & even followed his girlfriend at the time Matilda until they broke up in 2018? She planned all of this. So I feel like they weren’t even a couple & if they were, it wasn’t supposed to be long-term until Jess exposed it having Jamie stuck & now Jamie probably for a very long while sees her true colors now, knowing what a narcissist she is & that tweet that he posted a day after is proof in my eyes that he dislikes her now & is done with her. So she stupidly exposed herself even more, & Jamie put salt in the wound. It also tells me that if he was able to passive-aggressively throw shade at her there is something that’s keeping him from officially leaving her. How can you stay with someone that you don’t acknowledge or be around them & throw shade at?

All solid points, and every bit of it is loaded with red flags. Whatever’s keeping Jamie from making a clean break with her is hard to pinpoint, but it seems like the chaos Jess Moloney has stirred up has dragged him in too. I suspect it’s tied to her debt (which has been confirmed by official documents), and as long as he’s tied to that, he might feel he can’t fully walk away. Whatever the case, hopefully it wraps up soon. His birthday should be a telling sign—if she’s not with him then, it’s likely safe to assume they’re done.

[gustavgiles]

Here's a little Vikdecai fic that I hope you enjoy! It's a Viktor-focused story that I wrote 'cus I wanted to see them make up and kiss. Planning a Mordecai-focused followup that may or may not be spicy!

Some Interesting Viktor Facts/Theories that got into my brain doing a Viktor-focused read of the comic while writing this:

Lackadaisy Anodyne provides a wealth of information about Viktor's family:

He gets letters from his daughter, but *only* his daughter, not from his wife. My read on this is that his wife broke things off with him, rather than the other way around (like Viktor telling them to leave because he wanted them safe or something); that seems like the more likely situation if she's no-contact with Viktor.

His daughter sends him 1-2 letters a year; assuming that she started writing him when he split up with his wife, then that places the breakup at just before 1921 or 1922, depending on what year you think the half-hidden postcard is from.

The Palmer Raid precipitating the riot where Viktor lost his eye, then was arrested and bailed out by Atlas happened January 1920, which about lines up with the time he split up with his wife. I think Viktor going to prison and falling in with Atlas was the inciting incident for Viktor's wife leaving him; my headcanon is she didn't feel like he was able to provide for his family anymore, and was dragging them into a dangerous criminal element.

VIKTOR HAS A CONFIRMED THIRD UNKNOWN PERSON IN HIS PAST THAT I NEVER SEE ANYBODY TALK ABOUT! Alena (his daughter)'s 1926 letter to him reads: "Dear Father, Hello! This is my photo from the start of the school year. I wear my hair much shorter now, and so I wanted to show you. I can't believe it's already the holiday season! Will you write back? You don't have to write in English if you don't like to. I can ask Mama or Tala to translate. Merry Christmas, Alena" WHO THE HELL IS TALA?? Did Viktor's wife re-marry? Did Viktor emigrate with someone else? Is it just some random person in the Slovak community that Alena knows? QUESTIONS. (also this implies that Alena doesn't speak Slovak. I wonder if that hurts Viktor a little.)

Viktor HASN'T OPENED ANY OF ALENA'S LETTERS UNTIL NOW. Why? Does it hurt too much? Can he not find the time? It can't be that he doesn't care about his daughter because he saves the picture of her. STOP PUSHING PEOPLE AWAY VIKTOR, LET OTHER PEOPLE MAKE YOU HAPPY

Viktor's wearing what appeared to be Allied gear in Lackadaisy Scrapbook. Slovakians would have been part of the Central Powers, so it seems that Viktor emigrated (with his wife?) to America far before the events of Lackadaisy, and went to war against his own country. He probably had a more difficult time in the war than most people.

Viktor's birthday is Apr. 16, also from Lackadaisy Scrapbook. Maybe some day in the future Mordecai will look up his birthday via his arrest records and make him a little cake???

Tracey describes younger Viktor as "robust and amorous" in an old Q&A which certainly does not describe the current Viktor. He must've been happy and carefree at some point :(.

Tracey also talks a little about how she sees Viktor in another Q&A: "sometimes, drawing snarly Viktor expressions is my favorite thing because I’m thinking of Viktor’s superficially powerful, animal anger and how it only ever ricochets back, making him smaller by increments…" Which is a description that just really resonates with me. He wasn't *always* this sad and angry and lonely, the world's just chipped away at him over the years until he's a raw bundle of nerves. CAN YOU TELL I'M OBSESSED WITH VIKTOR I CAN FIX HIM

[blueskiestarot]

Hello blueskies tarot! First of all I would like to say that I really love your readings and I’m finally caught up on all of them heheh. 🌷🌷

But recently I’ve been having a really strange experience and I would love to share my story and hopefully get insight or an answer from someone reading this and to see if someone had the same experience.

I’ve been having a huge crushes and infatuation on someone who was inaccessible to me, but the weird thing I always kept receiving signs and messages that this person is for me and that they will make a move towards me really soon, like for example in one of your readings it said they are coming towards me and the description fit this person exactly along with other signs like repeating numbers.

This is not the first time this thing happens to me, it happened before where I would start receiving many signs related to a certain person telling me that they are my soulmate and then after a few weeks a revelation happens and I figure out that this person is not for me. This has made me feel very hopeless, stuck and delusional. I felt like I can’t trust the universe and that all the guidance I received from spirit is deceptive. Honestly I feel like there’s something wrong. Why does spirit keep showing me signs and syncs that lead to a dead end? It happened several times before, where I discovered the truth of the situation and then the signs stopped then kept coming back referring to another. Is spirit leading me on?

This has been wrecking my mental health really bad, I’m starting to feel hopeless because I just keep engaging in limerence.

The last time this happened I frantically opened an online tarot deck and picked a random spread I got a card, but I can’t remember which one that said what seems to be random might not be random at all.

The only conclusions I can come up with are either that I’m interpreting the signs wrong, or I’m engaging with a deceptive spirit that’s pretending to be my spirit guide or in a false matrix.

However I really doubt that I’m interpreting the signs wrong because all of them have keys that point to something specific about each person.

Thank you if you’ve read this far. I really don’t know what to do, I feel so hopeless about my love life, and I’m scared to believe any signs that I receive from the universe :(

Hi, love!

I'm sorry you're going through that and feeling confused. I hope I can help! Just know that these thoughts are purely my opinion and my own experiences. ♥️

So, first of all, when you start to feel like your mental health is being negatively impacted by readings, that is a clear sign that it's time to take a break from reading and/or watching readings for awhile. I would suggest taking a week off and trying to avoid pick a pile readings as much as possible. You can always come back to them after that and see if things have changed or if you are in a better head space. Never consume media that is making you feel bad in any way.

Secondly, it's SOOOOOO important to use your discernment when reading pick a pile readings. These readings rely heavily on your intuition because you're picking the pile you are intuitively drawn to. So, if you know that a connection with someone is not possible, I think it would be safe to say that the reading is not for you even if it sounds like the person you are connecting with. Keep in mind that many people pick the same pile as you. So, they may be dealing with similar people. Just think of how many people you've met that could be described using the same description, you know? So, just be super weary of if it really sounds like that person or if it's a general description and you just want it to be them. Again, it's all about being self-aware and using your discernment.

It's also important to note when you are infatuated with someone as opposed to having a real connection with them. If it's someone you've never talked to and the reading says they are thinking of marriage with you, that's a clear indicator that the reading is not for you. So, use your judgement to know when messages are for based on what is going on in your connection. One of my favorite readers on YouTube is Shadow Play Tarot and she always includes a "delulu checkpoint" in her videos when she says something that she feels may mislead someone into giving into delusions. It's just a checkpoint to sort of bring you back to reality and check in with your current situation so that you can ask yourself "does this really resonate with me or do I just want it to?" Readings should never tell you how you feel or what's going to happen. They should simply confirm what you already know and/or feel. So, for example, if I had a connection that seemed to have ended on bad terms and the other person seemed to hate me but a reading said that they were going to come back in a week, I would ask myself "is that really true based on what I know to be true?" I hope that makes sense. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you should see evidence in real life of what the reading is trying to tell you or it should confirm your intuitive feelings.

Always check in with yourself and observe how a reading is making you feel. If it's triggering or doesn't confirm what you already feel, then it's not for you.

Also, detachment is your friend. Sometimes we're too close to the situation and can't see what is actually going on. I feel like we can manifest what could be mistaken as signs from spirit by thinking heavily of someone. So, if you are constantly thinking of a person and are completely lost in the sauce when it comes to them, you could potentially manifest seeing signs of them in your outside world. Try detaching from them for a bit by distracting yourself with other things. If you're still seeing the signs, then they are likely from Spirit.

Lastly, in my own opinion, I do not think that Spirit is above lying to us in order for us to learn a lesson or to get us to do what they want. So, if you are meant to learn a specific lesson from someone but they aren't "your person", I fully believe they will lie and trick you into believing that person is for you until you've learned that lesson. Same goes if someone IS for you. If you're too attached and f*cking up the connection by overthinking, being super fearful, or doubtful, they will trick you into believing you need to let it go in order to get you to detach so that your energy is not sabotaging things. So, my point is that Spirit can and will manipulate you into believing something so that they can guide you toward learning a specific lesson or toward doing a certain action. It's all done in the name of your highest good but that doesn't change that the fact that they are lying and manipulating you. It's not malicious at all. So, if you do feel like you are being lied to in a malicious way like there is a spirit posing as your spirit guide, make sure you are clearing the energy out of your space regularly and make sure you are protecting your energy as well.

I hope that helps somewhat! And if anyone else has any advice, that would so helpful! 🫶 Love, Tara

[hopesandmountains]

So I still have limerent thoughts that occur and one important thing to recognize is that limerent thoughts are typically a coping mechanism when you feel overwhelmed.

Limerent thoughts are soothing, but if you recognize that you are having limerent thoughts, try to stop for a bit and monitor you mental state. Just take a breathe, put aside any limerent thoughts you have for the moment, and really just let yourself feel what you are currently feeling in the moment.

I typically have limerent thoughts when feeling overwhelmed, however it’s limerent thoughts are just a general escape for your current mental state and emotions, so try and take a second to see what is going on with you.

Personally, I have a troubled home life that there is no easy escape from, unprocessed trauma, and general unhappiness with life (that I’m typically in denial about).

So yeah I daydream, I fantasize, and I imagine a better life.

But there’s a certain point where I am just avoiding my current mental state and am just coping to get through the day. And there’s nothing wrong with that, but maybe there is when it happens a bit too frequently.

And it’s not like I wasn’t making steps towards making my life better. I was making progress in both my mental state and career, and the fantasizing wasn’t even the problem, it was just the overwhelm that made it really difficult to focus and complete even simple chores.

And that’s where I am at currently. I’ve been trying to work around the overwhelm and piling up mental health issues, but it’s at a point where I can’t avoid that mental state and still accomplish what I want to to live the life that I want.

Obviously moving out and having a safe space for me to go home to will help immensely, but I don’t think I should wait any longer to try and address my mental state.

And sometimes that just means escaping to the park or library. Volunteering helps to get away and have a group of people to talk to, and I had a club I was apart of (until I quit recently). Just finding ways of escaping a stressful environment does wonders, since as a kid I always felt trapped and stuck in the idea that I had to stay.

It’s liberating to realize that you can just leave when you feel that feeling of overwhelm and stress start to occur (just make sure you go to a safe place when feeling that way).

It’s also liberating to know that you can find ways of calming your mental state in healthy ways.

Meditating helps. Just being able to monitor your thoughts and give yourself guidance when you feel your emotions are getting out of hand.

Journaling works for the same reason. It helps you write out all of your thoughts (I like to draw them out) and it really helps you know what is going on mentally when you aren’t always just able to tell yourself what’s going on in your subconscious.

And really you just have to find what works for you. This post is really just about empowering you to at least try and make an effort to manage that feeling you have been avoiding.

For me it took a lot of trying and failing. And things were a bit more difficult at times. But you really have to see what works for you, and just starting to try and think about it will help you start to brainstorm and through time eventually work through what has been so difficult that you’ve been avoiding.

A lot of times that ties back to childhood trauma, and that’s never easy to resolve. For some people it may never be resolved. And I think everybody should work with a therapist or licensed practitioner if possible, but especially if you are someone who has PTSD or triggering events.

Because trying to face that on your own could lead to you being triggered and that could lead to spiraling or reliving something you are not ready for. I still think you should try and face what you’ve been avoiding, but with help and guidance. Talk to a therapist about what you are feeling and let them help.

[nuagederose]

Dark Roots of Earth | Chapter Seventeen: Pig Charmer

ao3 link

“Hey, Marlene,” Christine greeted her, slightly out of breath. Her helmet of red hair shimmered in the sunlight while her two boys behind her seemed to be more interested in the stones on the ground than anything else; this gave Christine a chance to really talk to her without the school setting all around them. “What’s happening lately?”

“I was just going for a walk with my boys and I just happened to recognize you over here,” Marlene replied in a single breath, and she held her silvery water bottle closer to her body all the while. She lifted her sunglasses with her free hand and squinted her eyes at her against the late morning sunlight. “You feeling okay? You look like you’ve been crying.”

“Yeah, I just…” Christine shrugged her shoulders and tucked her hand into her pocket; she could feel the locket inside of there, the top part of the heart touching her like the Telltale Heart. All she could hope for was that it wouldn’t drive her insane. “Sometimes I’ll think of something and it’ll make me emotional. It tends to happen when I’m out in nature.”

But Marlene turned to her sons and gestured towards them.

“Hey, guys, go and play in the grass—Mom has to talk to her friend,” she told them, and the two red headed little boys scampered off to the big patch of grass dotted with the lush trees and brushes right behind them. Marlene then turned back to Christine with a thoughtful look on her face.

“I coaxed them off because… it’s something else, isn’t it,” she said in a low voice. “There’s a pain in your heart, isn’t there.”

Christine swallowed and turned away from her a bit.

“Don’t lie to me, Christine,” Marlene insisted, curt but gentle. “There’s something torturing you.”

Christine sighed through her nose, and she inched closer to her.

“I’m in love with Alex,” she confessed to her in a soft voice. “Our teacher.”

“In love? Like… really in love?”

Christine lifted her head for a rather coy look at her and the stunned look on her face. “Yeah. Really in love. I promise you that it isn’t limerence.”

Marlene shifted her weight.

“Well… if that’s how you feel, there should be nothing wrong with it.” She paused. “What’s wrong, there’s something else.”

“He’s engaged. He’s engaged to a woman who is slowly killing him. Just eating him alive. What’s worse is I don’t know what she’s doing to him: it’s like after he spends even a minute with her, he goes into autopilot. It’s like he glazes over and loses himself. I can tell he’s unhappy with her but he doesn’t seem to want to admit to it, though.”

Marlene gaped at her.

“So, that explains the kind of distant look he’s had on his face the whole last few months of school,” she muttered.

“And if I’m honest… I’m a little afraid of thinking about this, too,” Christine continued, and her body shuddered at the mere suggestion of it.

“You wanna break up the wedding,” Marlene finished for her. Christine nibbled on her bottom lip and bowed her head. Silence except for the two boys on the grass surrounded them.

“Well. Again. If that’s how you feel… Christine.” She lifted her head to see the mischievous look on Marlene’s face, much to her surprise.

“Let me help you,” Marlene mouthed to her, and Christine raised her eyebrows at her.

“You really want to help me?” she asked in a soft voice so the boys wouldn’t hear, and Marlene eagerly nodded her head.

“I mean, really. All of this is astounding—how have I never heard any of this before?”

Christine shook her head. “No idea. But Valentina, Colette, and Sabrina all know. So does Eric. And he himself knows, too.” She sighed again, and that time she relaxed every inch of her body. It was good to air that out and to someone so eager to do it, and someone who wasn’t just Nelly, either.

“So… what’s the scoop? When’s the big day?”

“It’s around Christmas and Hanukkah,” Christine replied. “As the time ticks away, he and I are both getting nervous. My main worry is I’ll never see him again.”

“Oh, yeah, a guy like that getting hitched to a woman who uses him like that… trust me, Chris. You might see him in the hallways at school, but that’s about it. I actually used to know a guy like that. He was the dream man in my eyes. We had good chemistry, a lot like what you and Alex have. The problem was he was completely wrapped around another woman’s finger and I didn’t know until way after they got married that she cheated on him often and he did nothing about it.”

Christine’s heart sank at the sound of that, and she tucked her hand into her pocket again. She once again brushed her fingers against the top of the locket. She thought of Chris right then, as well as the fact that she had to tell him about him. She had to uncover the secrets of her own past to help him understand.

The boys continued to play on the grass behind them, and thus, she was able to keep things going with Marlene. She gestured for her to come in closer.

“I wish there was a way I could better seduce him,” Christine confessed. “You know. Spice things up. Make things unforgettable… more.”

Marlene squinted her eyes at her.

“I’m also going to need you to do me a favor, if you don’t mind at all,” she continued in a low voice.

“Not at all. As long as it doesn’t involve money, because the boys and I are pretty strapped for cash right now.”

“We can also make this our first step into breaking up the wedding, too,” Christine added. She closed her eyes and sighed through her nose. She clutched onto it with nothing more than her fingers.

“I’m going to need you to hold this for me,” she requested, and she showed Marlene the locket. She gaped at the shape of it, and she cupped her hands together to better look at it.

“Christine, this is gorgeous. Where did you find this?”

“It’s a very, very long story, but… if you open it up…” Marlene clicked it open, to which her mouth fell agape.

“Is this you?”

“It is. And that’s my old best friend, Chris. He was kind of the love of my life when I was younger.”

Marlene lifted her head and squinted her eyes at her.

“He’s buried way out on Long Island,” Christine continued, and Marlene tilted her head to the side and rested a hand on her shoulder.

“Oh, my god. Does Alex know about him?”

“No, I keep meaning to tell him about him. It’s just…” She closed her eyes and pursed her lips together. “I went through a fairly dark period in my late teens and early twenties, so there are a lot of holes in my memory. And since Chris and I were kids at the time, it feels like ancient history at this point, like it feels so distant at this point.”

Marlene glanced back at the two boys on the grass once again, and then she returned to Christine. She closed the locket and cradled it in the palm of her hand.

“I just have one question,” she began.

“Go ahead,” Christine coaxed her in a small voice.

“Why me and not Nelly? Or Eric? Or Sabrina or Valentina?”

“Nelly’s been traveling… I guess, anyway.” She shrugged her shoulders at that. “I don’t always see Eric or Valentina, and Sabrina doesn’t have the best living quarters at the moment. I need you to hold it until I can sift my own thoughts and make things clear. It’s already a long story. It would just be easier for me to have a clear head about it all.”

Marlene curled her fingers around the locket, and then she looked on at her with a thoughtful expression on her face. Quietly, she moved her purse around before the front of her body and opened up the top part. Christine watched her tuck the locket into the inside pocket next to what looked like a small tin box of chocolate Altoids. Marlene then took out a piece of paper as well as a pen, and she scrawled down something.

“Here’s my number,” she told her. “I’m also going to give you my address—the boys and I just moved to a new apartment down in Staten Island because it’s cheaper, and we’re still trying to get to know the neighborhood, too, so don’t be afraid to knock on the door and ask if we’re there at all.” She handed her the piece of paper, and Christine sighed through her nose. She nodded her head at that, and she folded it up and tucked it into the small coin pocket so it could stay in place.

“Another thing I’m going to give you,” Marlene began again, and she took something long and thin out of the bottom of her purse. A long thin piece of black silk lined with lace. “This is just something to wet your whistle with him. As you unravel your memory bank, you’ll uncover some other things, too. Hopefully, you can reach into yourself enough and make him realize what he’s missing with you.” She flashed her a wink, and Christine curled the silk around her hand as if she was creating some makeshift boxing knuckles for herself, and then she tucked it into the safety of her other pocket.

“Seriously, this woman is like Pennywise,” she told her. “She’s one of those people who thinks she’s hilarious but she causes you to go absolutely crazy if you’re not careful. What’s worse is she’s a big shot, too. Her big flashy company is based in architecture so she knows this city from the ground up like a big carnivorous spider.”

“That’s unsettling,” Marlene confessed, and she peered up to the streetlights again, though Christine knew that they weren’t being watched. “Well, when her face starts warping and her voice distorts itself out, call me up and the boys and I’ll come for you.” She then put her arms around her and held her close. Christine closed her eyes and thought about Alex. She thought about Chris as well. She couldn’t believe that she now compared Captain Howdy to Pennywise, such that she couldn’t help but laugh to herself.

Marlene held back and lightly patted her on the shoulders.

“Go home and take care of yourself,” she advised her, and without another word, she put her sunglasses back on and turned back to her sons, who were now wrestling each other on the grass. “Hey, fellas—you want some lunch?”

Christine turned back towards the tree, and she wondered as to whom was guarding that locket this whole time. It was neither here nor there at that point, and thus, she walked on back to the entrance of the park.

It was almost like clockwork. She peered across the street to find Alex emerging out of the coffee house with a cup of iced coffee in hand and his hair nicely brushed to the point it looked as though it was floating over his shoulders. She glanced about the street and, once the last car passed by, she ducked over to him right as he sipped on his coffee.

She thought about what Nelly had said, and she thought about what she had said to herself. She ran up to him with her lips ready and her heart pounding in her chest.

Alex turned around in time to see her running towards him, and away from Marlene and her boys. His face lit up at the sight of her, but before he could even so much as put a word in, Christine threw her arms around his thick waist; she nearly leapt up to him, just to reach his lips. His skin was as soft as ever. His body was warm and tender, much like how it felt when the summer finally turned into fall.

He held his iced coffee to the side, out of the way, and much to the amusement of the rest of the people in the coffeehouse as well. She moved her hands up to his chest, and she pressed her hips against his body. Though she was on top, it felt as though she was cradling him. She cradled him with her hips. His body held her, like the feeling of home.

Even with her muddied memories, she still could not help but feel him.

It most definitely was not limerence. She held back so he could breathe and she could lower herself back down, flat on her feet.

“Whoa…” he breathed out, and he ran his fingers through his black hair: his gray streak flashed at her like a bolt of lightning. A light blush crossed his face, of which she cupped her hands around to better hold him. She gave him another deep kiss, and his knees nearly buckled from the feeling. Christine let go of him to look into his eyes.

“Where is this coming from?” he asked her with a clearing of his throat.

“From within, of course,” she replied, and she stood down before him with her hands pressed to his chest. She slid her hands down his chest to his belly, and she remembered the strip of black silk that Marlene had given her. Something for a bit of bondage when things lifted off between the two of them, nestled there in her back pocket. Indeed, she remembered that Marlene was back there behind her still.

“By the way, since when do you hang out with Marlene?” Alex asked her with a nudge of his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

“Today,” Christine retorted. “I hung out with her today.” He cracked her a mischievous little smile, and he glanced around the street before them.

“What say you and I go back to my place for a good time?” she asked him, and he raised his eyebrows at her.

“You’re asking me back to your place?” he sputtered.

“Yes.” She held onto his hand and guided him back down the sidewalk. All the while, she hoped that she could be able to impress him with that bit of silk in her pocket.

[mod-doodles]

Claire probably suffers from Limerence…

I’m not as articulate as you girlies, so here goes nothing and I tried to think outside of my Sydcarmy biases.

When we meet Claire at the fridge red flag 🚩 numero uno: Carmen does not remember her name or possible her. If he was in love with her as suggested in ‘forks’ I’d think he would remember her especially if he drew her. I never forget muses cause you’re essentially studying every detail of that persons face barring major changes but she looks like her childhood photos and the drawing from the panic attack.

We then get the dialogue about her job and how it isn’t chill, and he wants to know why she chose that considering the intensity. Then she tells the story about Katy breaking her arm and we get to a fundamental difference in who they are: she wants to explore how things work while he wants to fix things and make them better. Not a red flag just a core human belief that may pose difficulty in a relationship.

He consciously gives her the wrong number (flag on the play) he hesitates at the end.

Next episode we get the fake number debacle that she can’t let go of, babe read the room. Yes your feelings should have been hurt and you should have put your big girl pants and move on. Why are you threatening someone to date you 🚩, he’s hesitating again. She’s so weird about it and she probably thinks it’s endearing and cute but its off putting.

Then we hear about deceased Big Denny and her mom who absolutely thriving. She says that she didn’t want to talk about Michael because she didn’t want to make him sad but the way she discussed the living and dead seemed abhorrent considering he has a recently deceased brother.

From there on out everything she proceeds to do and ignore rings so many alarms. She’s actively ignoring everything because she has had this idealised version of what this attractive chef man with tattoos is like.

Probably thought about her wedding and life without being present and noting how she and this boy are so fundamentally different. That’s the only way I can empathise with her saying she’s loves him when all their interactions were so hollow. She’s fallen in love with a idea that she’s held unto from her childhood. But he doesn’t remember you and doesn’t reciprocate the same effort or energy because he’s no longer that boy and you’re both different and it’s not meant to be and that’s ok.

At least her friend was there so she has a shoulder to cry on after being hurt because she was purposely obtuse. So it’s full circle for her and her friend, just like it’s full circle on her and Carmy’s relationship that started and ended at the fridge.

One other thing that stuck out was the song that’s playing when they finally have that conversation in the car, the one line that stuck out was ‘I make you so unhappy’ - ‘Anytime’ by Neil Finn. It stands out because at that point the there’s a lull in dialogue. The editors are so funny.

[smilesession]

ok but obsessive people have ruined my life by harming me and raping me

If you have followed me for any length of time you’d know about my history being abused and sexually assaulted and I think in general you can assume that this is a wildly inappropriate thing to launch at someone’s inbox. And specifically a cruel and inappropriate misread, implicitly conflating a tongue-in-cheek post about limerence (an experience directly brought upon by CPTSD, which comes about as a result of being a victim of repeated, chronic physical violence) with “you are like a rapist” is bizarre. I’m not going to tell you i don’t care because I do care that this happened to you and you have my empathy, but I don’t really know why you’re choosing to express this to me in this way and I’m fairly offended. I’m sorry if something about that post was triggering to you, but it was accidental and contained no encouragement of harmful actions, this message is in turn triggering to me and I don’t think you should go around reacting to people online like this

[schrijverr]

Life Is Ours, We Live It Our Way 16

Chapter 16 out of 18

Genderqueer Stevie with platonic soulmates Robin and Eddie living their best queer life.

In this chapter, Robin finally moves in and Stevie fully comes out to Wayne, while Robin comes out as a lesbian to the party and Eddie as non-limerent.

On AO3.

Ships: none

Warnings: less than great parenting, outing (Wayne sees the vanity and makes some connections, it's all good), nightmares, and homophobia mention

~~~~~~~~~

Opening Up

On Monday after spring break, Robin gets her acceptance letter to IUPUI. She has a full ride and can start in the fall.

When she finds out, she forces her mom to drive to Stevie and Eddie’s place and barges the door down to bring the news. They pull her into a celebratory hug and cheer for her as she rambles on excitedly.

Her mother cautiously follows after her. Stevie is glad that they did the picking up yesterday and that she has warmed up to Eddie, who charmingly greets: “Mrs. Buckley, welcome to our humble abode. Would you like something to drink?”

“No, I’m afraid we can’t stay long, isn’t that so, Robin-darling?” Mrs. Buckley replies pleasantly, as she looks around the house for flaws. “We are taking Robin out for a celebratory dinner.”

“Of course,” Eddie smiles. “She definitely earned it.”

“Yeah, we’re so proud,” Stevie grins, hugging Robin again. “Full ride. I wanna say I can’t believe it, but you’re so smart, Robs.”

“Ahw, dingus, you’re warming my heart,” Robin exclaims, playfully swooning.

“You are more than welcome to come along, Steve,” Mrs. Buckley offers, charmed by the ‘couple’ before her.

They both send a covert look at Eddie, who gives a subtle nod. They’ll celebrate this success in their own way with the three of them later, now Stevie has to play perfect boyfriend and Robin the good daughter.

So, Stevie puts on her most charming smile and says: “I’d love to. Thank you so much, Mrs. Buckley. I can go put on something more formal right now or meet you there?”

“I’d say meet us there, Robin still has to call her grandmother,” Mrs. Buckley tells him. “We’re eating at Enzo’s, be there at seven?”

“Sounds perfect,” Stevie says.

With that settled Mrs. Buckley starts saying goodbyes for both of them, hurrying Robin out the door alongside her. She keeps on waving as she gets dragged along into the car, calling out that Stevie can’t look better than her.

Once they’ve left, Stevie jumps up and down and squeals: “I can’t believe she did it!”

“You’ve been holding that one in, sweetheart?” Eddie asks, but he’s mirroring his bounce and grinning like a madman.

Then the realization hits and Stevie says: “Oh my god, Robin is going to move away.”

“We’ve got the whole spring and summer before the fall semester starts, don’t worry, princess, she’s not gone yet,” Eddie assures her, slinging his arms around his shoulder. However, Stevie can hear he’s also torn up about it. Both of them love Robin and are so happy for her, but it will hurt to see her leave.

Stevie leans his head on Eddie’s shoulder and asks: “Do you think tonight will be the night I’ll convince them to let Robs move in?”

“You can always try,” Eddie shrugs, but Stevie can see the excited gleam in his eyes at the possibility. Now that it’s confirmed that Robs is going off to college soon, they both want to spend as much time with her as they can.

She’s their soulmate.

It’s always going to be Stevie, Eddie and Robbie, the three idiot musketeers. They’re a matching set, not to be separated.

So, Stevie decides that she will charm the pants off the Buckleys again tonight and try his goddamn hardest to bring Robin home. To have her as a permanent inhabitant of the house as long as they can manage.

He puts on dress pants and a dress shirt, but no tie. His longer hair is more difficult to style in a manner that is acceptable by the average conservative inhabitant of Indiana, but he tries his best. And before he knows it, he’s on his way to Enzo’s.

Honestly, these days Stevie doesn’t really think of her parents often. They left her behind and didn’t look back. By the time they did so, Stevie had already made peace with the fact that they didn’t love her, because she already found better people by then. It was kind of underwhelming when it finally did happen.

However, as he’s seated with the Buckley family at a restaurant, celebrating Robin’s acceptance to college. He can’t help but be faintly glad at how well his parents trained him to play being a delightful and polite boy.

At some point, the conversation turns to what Robin’s life at college will look like. Her mother worries: “God, you hear all sorts of awful things about girls being allowed on their own out there, thrust into life without a guiding hand. You’ll be careful, won’t you, Robin-darling?”

“Yes, mom,” Robin sighs and Stevie can tell she’s fighting an eyeroll.

Stevie jumps in: “I’m sure she’ll be fine, Mrs. Buckley. I- I actually wanted to run something by you, that might soothe your worries?”

“Oh?” Mrs. Buckley replies, interested.

Robin also sends her a look stuck between interested and ‘what are you doing???’ He starts: “I was thinking quite similar things. Those dorms don’t seem like something I’d want my future daughter thrust into without any preparation.”

Beside him, Robin starts to make an offended noise, but Stevie stomps on her foot under the table to get her to shut up. He might be laying it on a bit thick, but Mrs. Buckley is nodding along, obviously touched.

“So I was thinking about letting Robin move in with me,” she says. “That way she can continue to build an independent foundation, but also have you to visit when she finds things she finds hard in running her own household.”

Mrs. Buckley’s eyes light up at the words ‘running her own household’ leave Stevie lips. Robin notices too, her eyes flicking between the two. Then she nods: “Oh, dear, how wonderful that you look out for me.”

“Of course, baby,” Stevie smiles, hoping it doesn’t come across as awkward as they both feel. “I just want you to be safe.”

“Gosh, you’re just so cute together,” Mrs. Buckley gushes.

Mr. Buckley is not that easily convinced, however, but looks softened up as he replies: “We’ll talk about it.”

Stevie smiles pleasantly: “Of course, I wouldn't expect you to just let your daughter go. She is still your little girl.”

“Oh, you just get it,” Mrs. Buckley coos. “You’ll be such a great father.”

And Stevie desperately wants to be a parent, so despite the whole father thing, the grin on his face is very genuine. As he replies: “Thank you, Mrs. Buckley. Though, let’s focus on Robin getting through college first, not to mention that I want to be married before having kids. And I think Robbie thinks the same.”

Robbie doesn’t want to get married (it is illegal for her, though she does like the idea of marrying out of love) nor has she ever mentioned wanting kids. But they’ve both become great liars.

She clings to his arms, sending him a fake sweetly look: “You’re so good to me, dingus. Always watching out for me and my virtue.”

“I just want you to be safe, darling,” Stevie has to fight a laugh. “If you want to wait until marriage, I respect that.”

Robin blushes and ducks away, Stevie is pretty sure it isn’t played, but it helps selling it to her parents. If Robin moves in, there won’t be sex. That is technically a lie, but the sex will be between Stevie and Eddie.

So, they eat the rest of the dinner while laying it on a bit thick. Robin has realized that this is the last step in the weeks long plan of trying to convince her parents, so they’re on top of their game all throughout the night.

And Stevie is pretty sure it’s working, because Robin comes home with her at the end of the night instead of leaving with her parents.

When they come home, Eddie is playing his guitar. He stops when he hears the door, looks up and grins when he sees who just walked in. “Hey, how was dinner?”

“Oscar worthy,” Robin grins. “We killed it! Stevie is a charmer.”

“Well, I knew that,” Eddie says, also grinning widely, while Stevie blushes.

“But you should have seen him,” Robin exclaims, falling on the couch next to Eddie. “Apparently Stevie is really concerned about my virtue and surviving college. We’re waiting until marriage and then having kids, you know. She just wants me to be independent while also close to my mother as I learn how to run my own household.”

It sounds ridiculous if you have the whole context and Eddie rightfully bursts into laughter and doesn’t stop giggling for a while.

While Robin dramatically recounts their night, Stevie grabs three beers. He stopped being a drinker in general, but for a toast, he wants to do the stupid college age thing and cheers with beer. So, she hands them out and says: “To Robbie going to college! I’ll make your favorite for dinner tomorrow.”

“I’m keeping you to that,” Robin cheers, clicking her bottle against Stevie’s.

“I’ll do the dishes tomorrow,” Eddie offers with a smirk.

“You already do those,” Robin says, pushing him over after clicking her bottle to Eddie’s too. “But I won’t refuse.”

“And that will change when you move in,” Eddie assures her cheerfully.

“Booo,” Robin heckles, but she’s laughing too.

They’re all in high spirits, celebrating Robin going to college and likely moving in with them. She and Eddie drink a few more beers, while Stevie sticks with coke. They play a few card games and just have fun, talking deep into the night.

The last decision is one they all regret in the morning, as they all stumble through breakfast and out the door to work.

With the kids back at school, work is less eventful than over the break, but it gives Stevie and Robin a chance to walk through last night, analyzing their chances. As well as talking strategy when Robs goes home tomorrow, because Tuesdays is her standard night at their house.

And so the week goes on.

There is a slightly excited energy that lingers in the air after Robin getting accepted and slight anticipation of whether Robin’s parents will say yes. But overall life is normal. They’ve found a comfortable routine.

Though, on Friday, DnD night Stevie notices that all the kids behave slightly different. It’s not that obvious, but when they refer to him they only say Lady Stevie or just Stevie. It’s sweet, like they talked about and decided to do this little thing to make her more comfortable. Sometimes Stevie is overwhelmed with how much he loves these kids.

When he brings Will home, he softly says: “Mom and Hop think it’s sweet that you want to make sure Erica isn’t alone and having fun. They were cool.”

“Oh, ah, thanks,” Stevie awkwardly says, unsure how to act now that the elephant in the room has been pointed out, making her feel a little like a deer in headlights. While also wanting to be relieved that Joyce and Hopper at least don’t hate him.

“No problem,” Will replies as he slides out of the car. “Have a good night, Stevie,” he shuts the door and walks to the house.

So, Stevie just sits in the driveway for a second. Until that moment, she hadn’t realize that he send the ball rolling. It’s happening. He’s putting something in the world that is going to brew until he addresses it, whether to confirm or deny. It’s going to stay.

It’s a little terrifying, if she’s honest. And he decides in that driveway, that he is going to ignore this for a little while longer.

However, he can’t deny that it’s nice that everyone – including Joyce and Hopper – refer to him with Stevie the next movie night. Eddie and Robin notice too, sending her soft smiles and holding her tight as they all share their seat like usual.

Stevie feels really loved in that moment.

Then on the 13th of April, two weeks after Robin’s acceptance letter came in. She’s looking bouncier than normal, but she doesn’t say why until they’re all sitting around for dinner. Then, she raises her glass, making Stevie and Eddie pause.

“To me officially moving in,” Robin grins, looking as their blank faces morph into excitement as the message sink in.

“Holy shit!” Stevie yells, getting out to hug her, though Eddie beats him, nearly bowling Robin over as he exclaims: “Let’s fucking go, Robbie!”

The two of them basically hoist her on their shoulders like basketball players after a game, cheering like madmen, but none of them care. Robin is going to move in. They’re going to be living together, the three of them!

Robin and Stevie take Thursday off (to Keith’s chagrin). Robin has been putting all her stuff in boxes ever since she got the news, so it’s mostly driving between the houses and moving a little bit of furniture that will fit in their house.

There isn’t much that will fit, but Stevie – well, honestly, the two had Eddie install some book shelves the day before. Then they take a bunch of Robin’s pillows and her desk and desk chair, which they’re going to put in the guest room to replace the shitty one they found at the side of the road.

A lot of Robin’s possessions had already made their way over to the house, but now the final of her clothes and book collection also get moved.

When Stevie takes the last box, Robin just looks at her empty room and sighs: “It’s weird. I’ve lived here forever. And now it’s like a hull, like I’ve gutted myself. But not literally of course, but metaphorically. I suddenly sounded like a novel and that was weird, but I did also mean it. Am I making sense?”

“Yeah,” Stevie says, moving the box to one hand, so that he can put her other hand on Robbie’s shoulder.

“I am excited to leave,” she assures him. “It’s just weird.”

Stevie nods and gives her a moment. He didn’t feel very much when he left his house. Though, for him, her room never was a spot of comfort. Robin had a pretty okay relationship with her parents outside the gay-thing and the slight overbearing judgment, and they let her have free reign over her own space. Her room had been a safe space before she escaped to their house. For Stevie it was just finally leaving and having nothing to leave behind.

So, Stevie lets her say her goodbye and have a moment, not pointing out that she’s moving a fifteen minute drive away.

Then they unpack, which means that Robin fusses over her books and leaves Stevie to fit her clothes in the part of the closet that they have allocated to her. Then Stevie moves the old desk out, before putting the pieces of the desk Robin’s dad took apart in the guest room for Eddie to put together when he has the time.

When she’s done with that, she stands in the kitchen and crosses her arms and raises a judgy yet fond brow and asks: “Work hard there, Robs?”

She turns around, not even looking guilty as she grins: “The authors are grouped together and then it’s color coded.”

Her enthusiasm softens Stevie (who wasn’t mad in the first place) and he says: “It looks very nice.”

“I live here,” Robin tells him giddily, like she still can’t fully believe it. “This is our house. Like fully our house.”

“It is,” Stevie confirms, equally giddy.

They just stand in their living room grinning at each other, before Robin jumps in place and squeals, before grabbing Stevie’s hands and twirling him around. The two of them just jumping and spinning around as they laugh.

The moment is broken by Eddie coming in and asking: “Am I interrupting something?”

Stevie and Robin pause, then Robin lets Stevie go and bounces to Eddie as she screams: “I’ve moved in! We’re living together.”

“Yes, you did,” Eddie laughs, letting her drag him over to Stevie and pulling him into the celebratory jump circle.

At some point they’re all tired of the jumping, so they break off. Eddie gets a book tour from Robin, exclaiming excitedly when she has titles he wants to read but hasn’t gotten his hands on yet. Stevie just listens fondly to the two of them nerding out, while she makes dinner.

Eddie has set the table and Stevie is finishing up dinner when Wayne knocks at the door. Robin skips over and throws the door open, cheerfully greeting: “Hi, Wayne, welcome to our humble abode.”

Wayne looks bemused and replies: “Hello there, Robin. What’s got you in such a good mood?”

It’s only then that Stevie realizes: “We haven’t told anyone that Rob moved in.”

Indeed, Wayne’s eyes widen in surprise as the three share a look at their own stupidity in forgetting to share. They’ve just been so caught up in getting it done and getting Robin moved in as quick as they could that they haven’t thought to share the news.

“Well, congratulations,” Wayne breaks the silence, clapping Robin on her back as he walks by her into the house.

Stevie puts the pan of soup on the table and asks: “So are we just going to tell them? I think El and Max will be there tomorrow for DnD night too, we can just say that Robs moved in, right?”

“Dustin is going to have something to say about not telling him,” Eddie points out.

“Dustin will have plenty to say about it in general,” Stevie groans.

“I- I mean, he won’t if I- if I come out,” Robin says, sounding hesitant in the way she never does about her words.

“Are you sure, Robs?” Stevie asks. “Because I can deal with Dustin being nosy and a bit too invested if you’re not comfortable.”

“No- I mean, yeah. I want to. The kids are cool, I know that and now that I’m not longer dependent on my parents, the risk of it coming back isn’t really a problem, because they can’t kick me out and I don’t need them with my scholarship,” Robin says. “And as much as I like having girlfriend privileges, I want to be honest with them.”

“That’s great,” Stevie smiles. “I’m glad you feel comfortable and safe.”

“Hell yeah, Robbie,” Eddie grins.

“Thanks,” Robin blushes and ducks her head.

“That’s a really brave decision, I’m proud of you, kid,” Wayne says gently, oozing the parental comfort and acceptance and understanding all three of them can use so well. And indeed Robin beams at his words as she continues to eat.

Eddie suddenly gets up and runs to their bedroom, before coming back with the polaroid, pushing it into Wayne’s hand and demanding: “We have to document Rob’s first official night here.”

The three of them lean over the table, Robin in the middle, both Stevie and Eddie throwing an arm over her shoulders. There are big grins on their faces and they look a bit like idiots, but they don’t care, telling Wayne to take two. One for the fridge and one for the album.

When he’s done, Robin takes the pictures with a grin, writing on both of them: ‘Hawkins 16-4-‘87 Robin’s first night home’ before they go back to eating.

Once dinner is done, Robin washes the dishes, while Eddie and Wayne get some tools to put together the desk. Stevie tries to help with the dishes but Robin send her back to her chair, sternly stating: “You worked all day and you already cooked. You don’t need to be useful, so go sit, dingus.”

After a bit, the other two join him again and they set off in pleasant conversation. At some point Eddie goes out to smoke, but Stevie and Wayne decline. Stevie is trying to lessen his smoking, but he’s a bit surprised by Wayne declining, sending the man a questioning look.

“Stevie,” Wayne starts, surprising Stevie not just by the name but his tone too. Whatever he is going to say, it’s serious and Stevie feels his heart rate go up a bit.

“Yes?” she anxiously replies.

“Don’t worry,” Wayne soothes, hearing her tone. “I just want to tell you something and you don’t have to reply or you can tell me it’s none of my business or that I’m seeing this wrong, but just listen for a second, alright?”

“Yeah, alright,” Stevie squeaks, not entirely sure where this is going.

“Did you know I was in New York in 1969?” Wayne asks and Stevie shakes his head. “Well, I was. I had a boyfriend there, great guy, sorely missed.”

“I’m sorry for your loss,” Stevie whispers.

“Thank you, it’s too common,” Wayne replies, sounding deeply sad when he does. “I wasn’t at Stonewall where it started, but Eddie mentioned he told you two about it.”

“He did,” Stevie confirms.

“Well, so, I wasn’t there, but that spread like wildfire through the streets and I was right in the middle of it,” Wayne says. “I met all sorts of people there. Great people. People I didn’t know existed before then. Taught me a lot.”

Stevie isn’t sure where this is going, but she’s nodding along.

“Now, I notice when my nephew starts behaving different,” Wayne tells him and for a moment Stevie thinks Wayne thinks they’re dating and not telling him and she panics on how to not out Eddie as non-limerent if he hasn’t told his uncle while also denying it and not being weird about it, until Wayne continues: “So I notice when he changed how he spoke about you, kid.”

“Oh?” Stevie says thinly, swallowing harshly.

“And I’m sure he didn’t think when he asked me to grab something from your room while we were setting up the desk,” Wayne continues. “You have a nice vanity in there.”

She can feel her heart drop out of her body. Wayne has seen the pictures Stevie doesn’t want the whole world to see. Has seen Princess Dingus, Stevie posing in full makeup, Stevie half-asleep on Eddie’s chest.

Wayne knows.

He isn’t sure if the fear shows in his eyes as he freezes, but Wayne goes on: “Like I said, it might be none of my business, but if there is something you want to tell me, know that I’m here for you and I accept you. You’re family now, kid. Nothing is changing that.”

Of course. Wayne has been their biggest supporter, even in his silence. Their rock. An example that you can grow up and still be gay. Still be alright. He wouldn’t judge Stevie. Not for this.

The relief that courses through him brings tears to his eyes. She can’t stop them, they just start to fall, her shoulders shaking as she tries to gasp through them so that he can reply to Wayne, but it’s useless.

Luckily Wayne doesn’t seem to mind, moving to the chair next to Stevie and slinging an arm over his shoulders and pulling him close. He rubs Stevie’s arm and whispers: “It’s okay, kid. I’m here, just let it out.”

All of this, is noticed by Robin, who asks: “Is he okay?” as she cautiously moves closer, looking unsure of what to do.

Naturally, Eddie comes back from his smoke break too and sees the whole thing as well, mortifying Stevie more than she is already feeling.

Eddie rushes towards them and asks: “What happened here? I swear I was gone for five minutes. Are you okay, sweetheart?”

“I- I’m okay,” Stevie hiccups, wiping her eyes roughly, hoping that the tears will stop as she makes vague gestures to convey her okay-ness.

“I think Stevie here is a bit overwhelmed, that’s all,” Wayne assures the others as Stevie nods, confirming it.

He sees Eddie squatting in front of him, hand on her knee as he smiles up: “Okay, just take your time, Stevie.”

“We’re here,” Robin assures him too, hand on Stevie back.

Stevie takes a few shuddering breaths, gets herself under control and slowly wipes his tears away, before looking to Wayne. It’s still scary, but he goes on despite that and says: “My name is Stevie and I’m not a- a boy or- or a girl. I- I think I’m transsexual or transgender, I don’t know what’s the right word, but I know that I don’t want to be either,” he chuckles bitterly at that. “I’m fine with he and she, just- just don’t call me a man or woman or something.”

Eddie and Robin look flabbergasted at his coming out. Neither of them heard the conversation he had with Wayne before he started crying, so they’re stunned to silence.

Wayne, however, squeezes her arm and warmly says: “Thank you so much for trusting me with that, Stevie. I will try my damn hardest to make you comfortable. And you don’t need language to describe it to be respected, you hear me.”

“I do,” Stevie says softly, a small smile on her face.

That turns Eddie back on again, because he rushes to hug Stevie, hauling her out of his seat as Eddie twirls him around in the air. He exclaims: “Oh my god, Stevie! I’m so proud of you.” Yelling a bit, because he just seems to need to make some noise at what just happened.

Once Stevie’s feet touch the ground again, Robin is hugging her and rocking her feet, obviously excited for him as she also tells him how proud she is.

While Robin is hugging her, Stevie sees Wayne placing a hand on Eddie’s shoulder and softly tell him: “I know you didn’t mean to, but you got careless in allowing people in your room, kid. If it was someone else who saw that mirror, tonight could have been very different.”

Color drains from Eddie’s eyes as he realizes how his uncle knew to start a conversation with Stevie, so when Robin lets go, he immediately comes up to Stevie, remorse obvious in his face as he says: “I’m so so sorry, Stevie. I- I could have hurt you. I didn’t think. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Stevie shrugs, not mad.

“You don’t have to forgive me like that, Stevie,” Eddie says. “I know it was stupid. You don’t have to take my feelings into account. You’re allowed to be upset.”

Stevie knows Eddie wants her to think about this, so she does, before she repeats: “It’s okay. I’m not mad. Sure, you slipped up, but that could have happened to anyone. And I know you’ll think about it in the future and that you’re sorry. It’s okay.”

“You sure?” Eddie checks.

“I am,” Stevie replies.

“Thank you, princess,” Eddie smiles, hugging Stevie again. It’s an apology hug, but Stevie isn’t going to call him out, because he likes getting hugged no matter the reason.

Stevie feels great that evening. He’s come out to someone again and it went well. Wayne knows her fully now and that’s nice. It gives him hope for the future, for different reactions. He isn’t ready to tell the kids yet, but feels that when she does, it’ll go well. For now, he just has another person he doesn’t have to take into account when dressing herself.

At some point Wayne does have to go to work, but he hugs Stevie tightly before he goes and ruffles her hair.

He’s practically floating the rest of the evening. Both Eddie and Robin give him fond smirks, but neither of them comment on his mood, happy to let him have this without teasing.

However, good moods can’t always save you from your own mind and before long Stevie finds herself upright in bed gasping around a dying scream. In her mind’s eye the scene of Eddie bleeding out while Dustin accuses him of not being there, of not doing enough still plays.

Fortunately, Eddie is right there, rubbing Stevie’s back as he whispers: “It’s okay, sweetheart. It’s okay. You’re alright. It was just a dream. Just a dream.”

Stevie clings to him, tears falling down her face as she gasps: “You- You died and I- I wasn’t on time and I-”

She breaks down into sobs again as Eddie holds her tighter, rocking her gently back and forth as he whispers more soothing comforts. Robin has also woken up and is rubbing his back, always unsure of what to say in these moments, but happy to let Stevie know she’s there and alright.

So, Stevie grabs her other hand and clings to it, slowly trying to fight the tears and come down from the spike of terror.

Once he has stopped crying and is breathing normally again, Eddie suggests: “How about I make us some hot chocolate, how does that sound?”

“That sounds nice,” Stevie whispers.

“Alright, then I’ll get on that, you and Robs follow when you feel up to it, okay?” Eddie tells her gently.

“No, we’ll go,” Stevie says, panicking slightly at the idea of Eddie being out of sight after he watched him die in his dream.

“Okay,” Eddie nods, no judgment in his voice, only understanding.

“Come on, dingus, hot chocolate awaits,” Robin says, bouncing off the bed and offering Stevie her hand to pull her with her.

He gladly lets her pull him up, only to be surprised by Eddie coming up behind and throwing him over his shoulder. She yelps, getting startled, but the disorientation distracts her from getting scared as she figures out what just happened. When she does, he rolls his eyes and whines: “Eddieee.”

“We’re going on an adventure!” Eddie exclaims back, ignoring him as he walks to the kitchen with her slung over is shoulder.

Robin only giggles at his misery and doesn’t help at all. Quite the opposite, she just slaps his ass then skips away, chanting: “Hot chocolate! Hot chocolate! Hot chocolate!”

“You’re both the worst,” Stevie complains, but the grin on his face bleeds into his voice and Eddie and Robin can hear it.

Eddie is gentle with her when he ploinks her down on a chair, kissing her forehead, before going to the stove and pulling out what he needs to make hot chocolate.

Stevie just watches Eddie move around the kitchen, seeing him as lively as ever, breathing, humming and stirring dramatically. Robin’s head is leaning on his shoulder, acting as a comforting weight and grounding him.

Slowly, the last dredges of fear leave her as she leans into the soothing warmth of the kitchen, where a gentle atmosphere is created by the low lights, the smell of chocolate and the sounds of the night and his soulmates.

Soon, Eddie is sitting down with three cups of hot chocolate.

Robin attacks hers, humming happily as she takes a sip, before she burns her tongue. Eddie laughs at her and impishly scolds her for being impatient. Stevie only smiles and blows on his own hot chocolate, never a much of a talker after a nightmare.

Neither Robin nor Eddie mind and they fill the air together, discussing if Robin needs to make her coming out to the kids serious or funny, and then what the funniest way would be.

When the hot chocolate is gone, Eddie asks: “You think you can fall asleep again, sweetheart?”

Stevie is honestly feeling pretty tired again, her eyelids feeling heavy and her head slow. So, she nods: “Yeah, think so.”

“That’s good.”

They make their way back to bed and get comfortable. Eddie’s warmth is reassuring, while Robin’s grip is a comforting presence. Without them, Stevie is sure he would have paced the whole night, getting the nail bat that he has finally managed to leave in the closet.

“Thank you,” she softly says, snuggling closer into the mattress as her eyes slip close.

“Course,” Robin replies, squeezing his hand.

“Always,” Eddie assures him, nuzzling in her neck.

And with that, Stevie drifts off into the darkness. She doesn’t get the most restful sleep, consciousness staying close to the surface, but it’s better than nothing.

Still, it means that he’s a little tired for the rest of the day. He whines when the alarm goes off, wanting to disappear, while he’s usually up and chipper. That alerts Eddie to his mood – as well as Robin even if she hasn’t lived there for longer than a day, but she knows him. Soulmate bond. But it’s Eddie, who cards a hand through her hair and whispers: “Take a couple extra minutes, sweetheart. I’ll do breakfast.”

“Hggn, I love you, my hero,” Stevie mumbles, hiding her face back in the pillows as Eddie chuckles a soft: “Love you too, princess,” before his warmth disappears from the bed.

Stevie doesn’t fall back to sleep, but lays there, snorting as Robin whispers: “You think Keith will be mad if we stay here?”

“Probably,” Stevie says, opening one eye. “But I think we can take Keith.”

They’re just about to make a pact to stay in bed and where they could hide Keith’s body if he came for them and their job, when Eddie calls out: “I have coffee, chop chop!”

Both of them groan, before rolling out of bed, neither of them bothering beyond a hand through their hair, looking a mess.

Eddie laughs at them, which earns him glares, however, he is forgiven when he hands them mugs of coffee. Only to be immediately hated again when he picks up the polaroid camera they left there the night before and snaps a picture of Stevie and Robin next to each other, both looking at the lens with sleepy glares and massive bed hair.

“This is just beautiful,” Eddie exclaims cheerfully, ignoring their hate in favor of writing: ‘Hawkins 17-7-‘87 Robbie’s first official morning’ with a flourish and sticking it on the fridge, which is already a huge collage.

“This is homophobic,” Robin complains.

“I’m also gay, Robs,” Eddie rolls his eyes.

“Then it’s transphobic,” Stevie backs her up.

“You’re both being dramatic,” Eddie tells them. “I have breakfast for you and this is how you treat me?”

The breakfast in question is a bowl of cereal, but Robin and Stevie take it gratefully, because they’re tired and once they see it, the photo is pretty funny.

When they get dressed, Stevie is craving comfort. Agonizing in front of the closet to find something work appropriate that’ll also make her feel good about herself.

Robin is running around trying to find where Stevie stored her clothes, but Eddie is quick, having slid into his overalls and one of his dirty work shirt. So, he notices Stevie looking and asks: “Are you okay there, sweetheart?”

“I- I-” Stevie struggles, hating how something like this can decentralize him, because his voice wobbles a bit as he says: “I don’t know what to wear.”

And both Eddie and Robin love to tease Stevie for how much effort he puts into her look, however they also know that sometimes it’s sensitive for him. Luckily, Eddie picks up that it’s sensitive now, so he just nods understandingly and asks: “Do you know what you don’t want to wear?”

“Uhm, a- a polo?” Stevie suggest, wiping unshed tears away.

Behind them, Robins stumbles as she pulls on pants, brow furrowed as she asks: “Are you okay there, dingus?”

“I got him,” Eddie assures her.

Stevie nods and give her a tight smile, turning back to her closet. Eddie also turns his attention back to Stevie’s clothing crisis. Removing polo’s removes quite a bit of Stevie’s choice, but Stevie still doesn’t know what else to pull out.

“How about pants first and going from there,” Eddie suggests gently, when Stevie stays quiet, knowing that Stevie has a few pants he always wears to work.

“Pants, pants,” Stevie repeats, going through his pile and finally deciding on a light-wash pair of jeans that she often wears.

“Hell yeah,” Eddie says, taking them as he asks: “Sweater or shirt? Robs what’s the weather like in Family Video?”

Robin laughs at his wording, before replying: “I’m wearing a shirt, but taking a jacket. Keith loves his AC. But Stevie runs hot. My personal furnace.”

“You only love me for my body,” Stevie pouts, feeling more grounded as his friends talk him through picking clothes. It should honestly be a bit weird, but they’re already too close for normal friends, so Stevie doesn’t care.

“Noo, Stevie, you means so much more to me,” Robin says, dramatically falling against him, only the muscle memory catching her. “Like your money.”

“We work the same job, moron,” Stevie laughs, feeling fully relaxed now.

“Yeah, but you pull off the minimum wage better,” Robin cheekily grins, before pulling out two of her own shirts. They’re same style, but different colors. One is a light blue and the other a soft yellow. She hands the yellow one to Stevie and says: “Here, we can match.”

The shirt feels soft under his hands. It isn’t very feminine, but it’s Robin’s and Robin wears comfy clothes and this one was bought with her mom, so the neckline is a bit more girly, but since it’s Robin’s, it isn’t too obvious.

All in all, it’s perfect.

He grins, rubbing the material between her fingers gently, before slipping it on, smoothing it over her chest, before softly saying: “Thanks.”

“Course,” Robin smiles back. “Now go do your hair, Coifty McCoifterson. You’re my ride.”

“Blah, blah,” Stevie says, plucking his pants out of Eddie’s hands and hurrying to the bathroom to do her hair as fast as she can, doing a softer version of what Robin did when they had their first makeup evening.

Then, they’re all off to work, singing along to the radio and clocking in with soft resistance. Adult life is truly something, Robin commenting: “I don’t love school, but going back again for a bit will be nice.”

“Better you than me,” Stevie says.

“You never wanna go?” Robin asks.

“Maybe if I find something I’m passionate about,” Stevie shrugs. “But I was never really made for school, you know. I don’t mind doing what I do now and honestly, doing school again sounds terrible.”

Robin is quiet for a second, then nods: “Yeah, okay, I get that.”

Stevie still feels the nightmare throughout the day, but it fades over time and by the time they’re clocking out, she feels much better and centered. Sliding into the car and driving to pick up the kids he was meant to.

Eddie is off a little earlier today, so he’s already home with his chunk of the kids, who are already at the point that they just make themselves at home.

El and Max are also there, Stevie notes happily that they’re talking with Erica, leaning over a magazine and giggling, before Erica gets dragged into a discussion between Lucas and Dustin, who have just entered with Stevie and Robin.

They also picked up Mike and Will, who have been talking the whole drive and just continue on. It is nice to see that Mike isn’t just making moves as a rebound from El, a split that went very amiable despite Mike’s dramatics. But Stevie sees that Mike is making an effort to get closer to Will. And Will is soaking up the attention. It’s cute.

But they don’t get to chat for long, once Stevie and Robin have arrived with the rest of the gang, Eddie quickly demands everyone’s attention and they get back to their game.

Stevie is slowly getting the hang of playing Lady Stevie. It’s a lot of fun, actually. The character she’s created has just broken free from her family, so she’s trying all sorts of new things, meaning Stevie can do so as well.

She is a badass in fights and she has anger for many things. But there is a little innocence and wonder to her that Stevie really enjoys, because it’s something he doesn’t experience often. A thing that was taken from him. This is like reclaiming that.

It’s also nice to play more with Erica.

When Stevie made his first character, it was to back up Dustin and it has been a lot of fun to play alongside Dustin. However, Erica is also a ground fighter and Stevie can help give her sneak attacks and have fun role playing moments.

He can back her up now, like he couldn’t when they were fighting Vecna. He can be here for her emotionally. Make her feel less alone. And that feels good.

The campaign itself is also amazing. For all Eddie complained that he had little time to prepare, the story he’s weaving has already captivated them all and the way he has expanded the world gives them so much new stuff to explore.

It’s also so much fun how he incorporated their old characters back into the lore and how the world now interacts with Lady Applejack. Eddie truly is a master at this. Stevie wonders if he ever thought about writing a book.

Robin has changed into pajamas and is reading on the couch, leaning against Eddie, since she can see the campaign notes without spoiling it, because she’s not playing.

El and Max have taken over the kitchen table and are making bracelets with pop and snap beads. It is a tactile thing and therefore easier on Max’s eyes and El loves making pretty things, so they’re as happy as can be.

At some point, Eddie realizes he has forgotten a figurine and curses, not wanting to dislodge Robin, who has fallen asleep. Apologetically he asks: “Can you grab this box of figurines, princess? They were on the old desk, but I think they’re in ou- your room now.”

“Yeah, sure,” Stevie smiles, starting to get up as Will offers: “I don’t mind getting them.”

Eddie freezes a bit, likely remembering what happened yesterday, but Stevie just assures Will: “I don’t mind,” and hopes nobody noticed them both tensing.

The door to their room is locked, something they’ve gotten more lax about in the past few months, but as Stevie expected, Eddie scared himself a bit with what happened with Wayne and is back on high alert. The thoughtfulness makes her smile.

When he returns, he gives Eddie the box and calls the pizza place as Eddie roots around for the figurine he needs. Fridays are always a little expensive, but neither Eddie nor Stevie mind. They’d do a lot more for the kids.

They asked Robin about it, but Robs just shrugged: “They’re part of the soulmate package, I knew that when I signed on. Besides, they’ve grown on me. But you can’t tell them that. I swear all of them are equally insufferable and they all get it from you two.”

And it is when the pizza’s have arrived that someone finally notes that Robin is now a permanent resident of the house.

Naturally that person is Dustin, who goes to grab more to drink when he sees the new pictures on the fridge. He shrieks: “Robin moved in? And you didn’t tell us?”

“Uhm, yeah, she did,” Stevie says a bit awkward at the intensity. “It was a bit short notice and it kind of slipped everyone’s mind.”

“To be fair to us, she only moved in yesterday,” Eddie adds.

Hell breaks loose for a little as all the twerps let them know they don’t appreciate being left out of the change and that they should have said something when they got there. Then they also congratulate them on it, of course.

As the three of them predicted, Dustin muses out loud: “Aren’t you supposed to get married before you move in together?”

Robin rolls her eyes and says: “Me and Stevie are never getting married, dingus Junior. And you don’t have to worry about unplanned pregnancies either.”

A few of the kids gag at the image of Stevie and Robin having sex, but Dustin frowns: “Why? Did you two break up? Did something happen? You seem friendly with each other. Hell, Robin moved in. So why?”

Stevie will never admit it, but she’s touched by Dustin’s concern.

However, she’s currently more focused on Robin, who takes a deep steadying breath (no matter how confident you are in a reaction, it’s still scary) then says: “Because I’m a lesbian. Stevie here is acting as my beard.”

At this point, the kids are pros at reacting to someone coming out as their friend group slowly turns more queer. So, they all ensure her that they’re accepting and proud of her, thanking her for trusting them with that.

“Thanks for being cool, you guys,” she smiles. “Also, I don’t care if you tell Joyce or Hopper and Jonathan and Nancy, but try not to go around town telling people. I know you won’t, but my parents aren’t very cool, hence the me and Stevie dating story. We’re keeping that up.”

They all nod very seriously, promising they won’t tell anyone outside their Upside Down group, some even making ‘my lips are sealed’- gestures.

Then Dustin suddenly exclaims: “You never had girlfriend privileges!” earning more squawks from those who had been overruled by Robin, who cited girlfriend privileges.

But Robin just sticks out her tongue and says: “I have soulmate privileges, you little shitheads. So, you don’t have anything on me. Hah!”

“Oi, if we’re doing soulmate privileges, I wanna cash in too!” Eddie buds in. “This whole thing is unfair otherwise.”

“Fine by me,” Robin shrugs, turning to Stevie.

Stevie just rubs his brow and sighs: “Sure, if that makes you two happy, go nuts.”

Eddie and Robin cheer while Dustin pouts that it’s unfair and Erica tries to start child privilege, which catches on quickly between them until they’re all chanting.

“God, all of you stop,” Stevie rolls her eyes, laughing slightly. “All of you get privileges, therefore none of you really do. Now shut up and eat you pizza.”

That does the trick and they’re all quiet for a second, before El asks: “What is a beard? I thought it was hair that grows on a person’s chin, but you used it differently. What did you mean?”

“Oh, it’s- you know how me and Stevie are pretending to date in front of everyone, so they don’t question our sexuality as anything other than straight?” Robin asks and El nods. “Well, that is being someone’s beard. Pretending to date to hide sexuality. It’s a slang term, mostly used by queer people.”

El nods seriously: “That does make sense. Thank you.”

Everyone is quiet again, before – surprisingly – Will breaks it, by stuttering: “Uhm, this- you don’t have to- You have two bedrooms?”

“We platonically sleep in the same bed,” Stevie shrugs.

“Stevie runs hot and I get cold,” Robin adds.

“Oh, okay,” Will says, sounding a little disappointed, which makes Stevie frown.

“Why?” he asks, unable to help her curiosity in what’s bothering Will.

“It’s- It’s a bit stupid,” Will deflects, cheeks pinkening.

“You don’t have to share,” Stevie assures him, still feeling curious, but not wanting to push Will when it looks like something small.

“For a moment, I thought you and Eddie might be together,” Will admits softly. “You’re just very close and he always calls you sweetheart or princess, so I guess my mind went there, but I guess not if you’re sharing with Robin, right?”

“I mean, I also sleep there,” Eddie pipes in, all eyes whipping to them, because the group is following the whole thing closely.

“You do?” Lucas asks.

“Yeah,” Eddie shrugs. “Like Robbie says, Stevie runs hot and it gets cold out here.”

“Then why is one room decorated by you and very Eddie?” Max asks.

“To keep up appearances to people, not that anyone ever comes to visit, but just in case,” Eddie shrugs and Stevie is glad he’s leading the conversation now.

“So you and Stevie are dating?” Erica asks.

“No, as much as I love my princess, I’m afraid not,” Eddie shrugs with a grin.

“He didn’t love you back?” El gasps.

The comment makes Eddie snort and shake his head, laughing: “No, no, not like that. I am just non-limerent. I can’t.”

“You can’t?” Dustin asks as a confused El repeats: “Non-limerent?”

“It’s not a well known term outside involved queer spaces,” Eddie assures them. “It means I don’t develop romantic attraction to people. So no romance novel stories for me.”

“But I thought you were gay,” Will frowns and for a second Stevie is scared it’ll be a repeat of the DnD game when the kids found out he was ‘dating’ Robin.

However, they have all grown as people and Eddie stubs that in before it can grow as he grins: “Non-limerent is about romantic attraction, I said nothing about sexual. And trust me when I say I experience plenty of sexual attraction, very homosexual sexual attraction.”

“Iew!” “Ahw, gross man!” “I don’t want to think about you fucking anyone!” the kids exclaim as they gag, the whole atmosphere in the room lightening up again.

Will checks: “Is that something we can mention to people who already know you’re gay or something you like to keep to yourself?”

Eddie shrugs; “I don’t mind the people who already know, knowing. I usually don’t mention it, because it gets tiring to explain it. But if you want to talk to your mom or someone about it, go nuts. I don’t care.”

“Okay, cool,” Will nods, then he seems to remember something, because he gets the bag he brought and gets out a stack of paper, giving it to Stevie as he says: “I have the zines you lend me last time. Thanks for letting me borrow them.”

“Ah, thanks!” Stevie takes them back. “You want a couple of other ones to take with you? We’ve got quite the selection.”

“That would be nice,” Will says shyly.

“What are those?” Dustin asks curiously.

“Zines,” Stevie answers, Robin adding as explanation: “They’re homemade and self-published magazines about things that don’t really get printed in the normal press. You know how society gets about certain topics. We have a friend in the city, who sends up queer zines so we’re in the loop of what’s happening in the community.”

“Can non-gay people read them?” Lucas asks.

“Sure,” Eddie confirms easily.

“Can I borrow one?” Lucas asks.

None of them inquire about his sudden interest. Luckily he doesn’t stay singled out with Dustin jumping on it too, since it’s his new years resolution and he is genuinely interested in being there for his friends. With it being okay, Mike also asks for one, a bit softer. Max also wants to check one out, while El and Erica both say they’ll lend them from their siblings.

“I’ll go grab ‘em real quick,” Stevie says, returning to their room and looking through the stack, one of her first additions to her shelve. It is out of sight here, of course, their living room made acceptable for unexpected, unaccepting visitors.

Stevie is careful in his selection, picking pieces he thinks the kids will be interested in based on what she’s seen.

For Will, he grabs a few of the latest ones, since he just wants to be updated. Though he makes sure to put one in that had more about being non-limerent, since El always wants to learn new words and Will wants to know more about queerness in general.

But for Mike she picks one with a few articles about bisexuality and how to navigate that. The boy hasn’t said it in as many words, but it’s obvious on his mind and he is the kind of person who would feel more comfortable reading than talking about it.

In the Sinclair pile he puts pieces with general glossaries, not sure where Lucas lies exactly and what he is looking for when asking for it. Maybe it’s curiosity, maybe something more. Whatever it is, Stevie wants him to find it. But there are also a few that focus on women’s issues, because Erica will be reading them too.

The same type is added for Max, though she makes sure the ones for her are easy to see and have pictures, not wanting to frustrate her when she can’t read it.

On Dustin’s pile, he adds one with an article relating to Star Wars and gender, as well as one focusing on allyship that’s in there. Plus a few more general overview types they have.

He returns back to the group, handing all of them their pile and telling them to be careful with them and that she wants them back in one piece. Adding: “If you think you’re parents might destroy them if they find them, make sure to hide them away. Don’t take them to school to hide there. Do you all understand?”

All of them nod silently and solemnly.

Dustin breaks it, saying: “Every time I’m reminded that not everyone is cool, it sucks. You guys shouldn’t have to deal with that.”

“I know,” Eddie smiles sadly, ruffling Dustin’s hair. Then turns his voice dramatic and more fun as he exclaims: “But now, we shall feast on the remnants of our pizza and return back to our adventure!”

That cheers all of them up again. It’s a talent Eddie has. He can make anyone feel welcome and change the atmosphere in any room he’s in. Stevie thinks that’s what makes him such a good DM and performer.

Indeed, despite all the revelations about the relations between Eddie, Robin and Stevie, everyone gets absorbed into the story again, completely forgetting about it. They all have fun, whining when they have to go back home again.

However, parents expect their kids, all of them having a curfew, especially Erica, the youngest of them all.

So, Eddie takes the Sinclairs and Mike and Dustin, while Stevie drives Will, El and Max home when they’re done.

As is customary, Joyce is waiting in the doorway for her kids, this time joined by Hopper who is smoking on the porch and keeping her company. He extinguishes the stub when the car rolls in the driveway and Stevie watches fondly as the two race to the door after saying their goodbyes, hugging their parents.

After everything that happened to them, these people truly deserve to have their happy family. At that moment, Joyce calls out: “Don’t forget to come to the movie night tomorrow! Say hi to Robin and Eddie from us.”

“I will,” Stevie yells back, waving as he drives off. She is starting to get comfortable with the idea that she deserves to belong to the same happy family.

When she gets home, Robin is on the phone. He raises a brow and Robin answers: “It’s Joyce, apparently it’s customary to tell people about life changes. I’m getting my scolding now, but you and Eddie are getting it tomorrow.”

“Tell her I’m sorry and plead for my mercy,” Stevie requests with a grin, before going to change into pajamas, the good mood after tonight not leaving.

Later Joyce also tells Robin how proud they all are that she came out, which makes her cry a little, but that’s okay. At this point all of them have cried a bit about Joyce’s easy and loving acceptance of them. It’s a badge of belonging.

They have people now that they are slowly letting into their life. Opening up about how they live and who they are. And every time they’re being met with love. It’s beyond their wildest dreams and makes them hopeful for the future.

Stevie will come out fully at some point, he knows that. It’s just a matter of hyping himself up at this point.

All in all, life is really, really good.

~~

A/N:

The fact that I’ve managed to keep a consistent timeline throughout this fic is something I’m very proud of y’all.

Btw, I imagine Lady Stevie a bit as Adora just broken free from the hoard, you know?

Also im assuring you now, next chapter won’t be: and it all goes down the drain, pinky promise!

[limeade-l3sbian]

I hope it’s ok that I vent.

I hate my therapist.

I hate being heterosexual.

I told my therapist I was sad I didn’t experience romantic love, and she projected onto me what she finds fulfilling and said “it can happen at any age.” Made me just wanted to die in my sleep.

My father asserted dominance over me so I couldn’t have a bf. I felt a lot of my needs met when I was being loved bombed by someone who had romantic feelings for me and I’m sad I didn’t experience that because of my father. I can’t accept what he did to me, because that means any man can do that to me, and I know it’s no just in my head.

I wish I never experienced feeling dirty, used, and violated, I wish I had experienced romantic love.

To this day I still get nightmares of my father lol it will never go away.

For my health and safety I think I should avoid men.

She minimized ad downplayed my loss. I don’t want a bf now I’m too awake now. I just wanted to be loved.

Why are so many women therapists who have never experienced real betrayal or pain? They pity me as if having a bf to lean on will take all my problems away, it’s more likely that they will rape me. They just think women are crazy and male violence isn’t that bad. I miss the manipulation from the love bombing, I was only 15, I felt so loved that I almost accepted his advance, then I remembered my father’s threats he said were “just jokes” when he said with sexually charged undertones “he would like that” and pretend like he was gonna take a photo of me in my swim suit and send it, which confused me because it was modest, he would “joke” about how “this is how guys are” and it made my skin crawl. He molested me when I was 4 years old I didn’t remember till I was 19, and I was terrified of how he would dominate me if I had a bf. I feel rage because my father essentially wanted to own my body… I couldn’t have a bf. I wasn’t safe.

That’s what I told her too, “do you want me to get raped?”

I don’t trust men now. I remember what they’re capable of. And I’ve heard other women’s stories and I’m scared. I want to heal from the limerence romance obsession. I also want to heal from the conditioned arousal around my own oppression, and the desire to kill myself. But I have to convince every therapist that men are dangerous.

I really wanted to go into psychology myself because I feel more women would benefit from feminist psychotherapist therapy; if I were a therapist I would tell women they are essentially the whole package, and if they are going to date men, then to be cautious and to please educate themselves on all the red flags, to value friendships too. I care about women’s safety.

I would also just be human and say “I’m so sorry that happened to you.”

That’s all I wanted to hear, not some Bullshit about how it can “happen at any age.” Even my therapist is not rooted in reality. She invalidated a real loss because she invalidates the reality of male violence. As if you aren’t more likely to meet an abuser and the odds of meeting someone respectful is slim to none. Men don’t respect women. You can’t love someone without respect. So no it can’t “happen at any age.” I want to heal and let go, and I am scared I’ll never heal, with the amount of therapists like this.

Tbh, anon, I don't have the necessary amount of knowledge and understanding of certain things you mentioned to really help with words. But I would say if you feel a calling to change that sort of lack of humanity you see in psychology, then go for it. I think having more therapists who take a more understanding route is more than a good way to heal yourself and to heal others.

I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help. But I truly do wish you luck. 💜

[juulz]

Hi Juulz, welcome back! I'm glad you had a good trip!

It pumps me the fuck up to know you enjoy my analyses and that based on the tags, find them helpful in arranging ideas. That is the highest honor for a little fangirl such as myself. I am a shameless lore whore, so getting to piece things together and unraveling the backstory is so much fun. So is brainstorming additional story details canon leaves out or unclear.

I've heard people say that, "assuming makes an ass out of you and me both," and I think I see why lmfao. Between me being a hopeless romantic, calling on common narratives and assuming there would be an overaching theme of love between the Misfits and AWSB AUs (even if they ultimately played out differently), I read into things a little off. That said, I'm not disappointed in this take and I'm actually curious about how it's going to play out. Be it something as simple as Misfit! Silver being an Aromantic Pansexual, or something as deliciously tragic as him being too emotionally broken down to acknowledge his own feelings, or hell, being capable of geniune love at all. There's plenty of options for you to chose from, and either way, it's content for me to eat.

Leaving the concept of Silver's ex a blank slate is good for me as well, as I can play around with different ideas and scenarios when I'm bored and adapt it to whatever I'm craving.

And yeah, I see your point of Silver caring for his ex and possibly Gold in a non-romantic/non-familial platonic way. Honestly, platonic love is more sacred, Western Culture just hypes romance up too much (and I'm a victim of that brainwashIng). I have to laugh, because the more we chat about the AUs the more I kin your Golds. This particular conversation really makes me feel connected to Gold as I remained infatuated with my first love for years despite him being in and out of my life and usually not a good influence. I've crushed on a guy-friend I went to highschool with who was aroace. I loved one of my childhood friends before I understood I was bi, and watched her love other people and watched get her heart broken repeatedly, but grew to love her only platonically later. I had pretty strong feelings for a girl who cared about me so little she laughed when she heard about my botched suicide attempt. And I had a massive crush on a guy-friend from college who had a limerent crush on someone else and we became even better friends after he rejected me.

That last one is particularly funny for me because my mom, shortly before she passed, had really shipped us and said, "I can tell he loves you, maybe not in a romantic sense, but he loves you regardless. I wish he was in love with though, because he sounds like a young man I'd trust with my daughter". I don't care if anyone else sees this, it's the internet, it's anonymous. Besides, it's my canon event, it happened, I survived and got better.

Oh, and thank you for linking the flashback image. I remember seeing it before, but I think I had paid more attention to Gold's half, while overlooking one of the potential implication's of Silver's. I'm not sure how I missed that. Catholic school boy probably means more than religious trauma. Lastly, would you be interested in hearing some songs that make me think of Silver? I've been wanting to make a playlist. It'll probably be multiversal though so I don't have to make specific playlists for different characterizations.

Thank you, it’s been fantastic! Trying to get back into the grind now.

I enjoy reading all feedback and especially when it’s so thought through and thorough. It can be hard to pack all the details and nuances into a couple of panels, so I’m always down to talk about the AUs to clarify and/or expand upon or just to chat in general. As long as it’s not a spoiler ;)

The overreaching theme of love may yet be possible, but if we’re talking about “Nothing” comics, it’s too early into the story to be anything but one-sided. After realizing his crush (and losing some of his 'clients' and out of fear for his life) Gold starts hanging more around that pub where Silver’s band plays and practices. They do drugs, fuck around after gigs and in between, but in the end Gold’s no more than a groupie competing with the other groupies for some dick to suck.

I recall mentioning it somewhere, possibly twtr, Silver’s response comes off as harsh, but this has not been the first time Gold’s confessed. Not even the second. An obsessed fan threatening to off themselves unless they get a return confession. He’d seen this before, he detests blackmail, and still Silver breaks that door down and drags Gold’s pissy ass to the A&E for he wants no one else OD’ing on him, willfully or otherwise.

If I ever write a fic this would be covered, but as things are I don’t mind leaving it vague even if it paints Silver more of an asshole than he really is. It also makes Gold lessmore pathetic.

Thank you for sharing this with me. I’m sorry you had to go through this, but I’m really glad you’re doing better now.

I tend to see bits of myself in both of the characters, as most creatives do. Losing a friend to an intentional overdose, trashy underground parties and gigs and overall nonconformity being my canon events. Not autobiographical of course, I wouldn't (probably even be able to) let my life get as fucked up as theirs, but that’s the fun of cooking up these AUs, exploring the extremes and subjecting my faves to the what-ifs.

Catholic school boy probably means more than religious trauma

You may assume the worst here.

Oh, please do! I’d be stoked to hear which songs you associate with the lads. I myself don’t have a playlist assembled for Misfits AU, but there was one for AWSB.

[hagfishviperfish]

eieudururururuffggh… it’s definitely along the lines of limerence. u think its fine when ur sitting together, it’s actualized that this is someone you could never be together with, and really he’s not all that glittering attractive in terms of someone you would want to be in a relationship with anyway. but then there’s the twofold dream of living with him, then wandering around a city aimless with the thought resounding “i love you so much please text me back”

i think it’s a sign of needing to reconcile something in myself but i don’t know what. i am left with these feelings that i do not know how to deal with. i desire him so much but he is not present. he never will be. it’s just how he is. i don’t know why he’s worth it in terms of my brain/heart. as i said, there are so many things about him that are extremely unattractive in terms of a relationship. This is a consequence of coming back into his life, but really this was happening anyway, in the past two years. it was so nice to just sit with him and not want for more, except i feel bad drawing him to speak to me but that’s fine

i don’t trust him with anything in the world, i feel that i don’t really know who he is, if he’s even a real person — but also that it’s so simple and he’s much more simple than i think. except it’s just that i don’t know. i can only assume and assume and theorize because he’s never around. i don’t know why i wish to know him specifically. Maybe it’s an ego thing. Maybe it’s an issue.

I had a dream that i think was a sequel to an existing dream but i dont know. It was like. I was adopted by the queen and king of england, they looked over me and raised me for a bit. And eventually i had to go back home to my mother. This dream was the sequel where I come back to see them again and see how every influence I had on their castle and lives and everything was stripped away and muttered about as ill-fashion— “oh, that old thing.” whereas i looked up to them so much, i was devoted and dedicated so much to them. they taught me how to dance, i taught the king jokes, things like so.

upon seeing all the ways i meant nothing to them I proceeded to have a breakdown in the dream, taking it out on them, everyone around me, tearing things down, playing into the ill worth they regarded me with by giving them something to be actually disgusted by.

My ex was there— he was there because he heard it was me, on the news, in the rumors, and came to witness. he was talking to people about me, telling them who i was and who he was, *defending* me. Which was crazy. So fond. but when i really think about it I think he was there because ultimately being the child of the queen of england and then coming back to see i meant nothing felt like what it was like to be in a relationship with him.

Why i am drawn to people i mean nothing to. I dont know. why their validation in my worth means so much. i dont know. why i see my worth through others. i dont know. this is what i need to reconcile in myself but. i don’t know. How. I even feel like its fine most of the time, but then i look up to someone and it all comes back.

I just wish he cared about me enough to come by. But he doesnt and i need to find someone who does. Thats the path i’m trying to take. It’s just sorrowful. What also overtakes me sometimes is that when he’s not there, he claims to be thinking of me. Stalking my twitter. Watching what i’m doing wherever. Songs that make him think about me. Which kind of makes it worse. All of that and it’s still not enough to draw him near. He was right in saying I am someone that needs someone to be there for me and it was hardly a kindness that he let go of me when saying that, especially considering the circumstances, but at least he could admit he was not that person. it’s this wish i have that i need to reconcile. the fact that it exists at all. I wish it could go away, I’ve been trying to make it go away, forcing it to by looking at all the facts and realities, but yet its still here, I don’t know how to change, I need to be strong

[simplyinterestedd]

breakups suck

I wrote about you every day for four months. The small things, the way you fidget with your phone, the way you bounce your leg. I wrote about you every day for four months, but I act like I still don't. I do. I’ve written about you every day for four months and three days, and I will write about you for four months and four days, and four months and five days. 

I once wrote, “and in between your lips i found the meaning of god,” back before I knew what love was. I wouldn’t write that now, simply because I didn’t. I couldn’t find anything there except for hatred and love – juxtaposed through the way your tongue would sink down my throat and the marks on my breasts that still linger. A phantom touch appears to me every night, your hands slipping between my legs and across my face. I cry every single time because I know you’ll never be with me again.

But there’s a reason why all I ever feel is your touch. I don’t hear your voice or see your face, but I knew you. I guess what we had blinded me to what you were, and what I was. 

I’ve loved you for four months and three days – I’ll love you for four months and four days, and four months and five days. And maybe it will stop, eventually. Maybe my sadness and anger will dissipate, leaving only an emptiness where you used to be. 

You didn’t write about me, or love me, despite your promises you did. Touching me and touching me always, an object moulded especially for you. I thought that was love: giving everything and losing yourself in the process. With you I became nothing but a body and a mean voice – unable to voice the insecurities that plagued my every thought. I became my biggest fear, someone without substance. 

You didn’t make me laugh, you didn’t make me smile. You didn’t make me happy or sad. And I loved you but did I? There’s a difference between falling in love and falling into limerence, but I’m not quite sure what that is. 

The way you ended it ended me. My anger has filled me up, trying to push the sadness that keeps swelling and I fear I might burst open. I used to worry I would crumble due to my love but I didn’t, I crumbled due to hate. 

I’m not a good person, but maybe I can be. And I don’t want you anymore, your touch burnt me and made me unrecognisable. And you don’t want me, I don’t think you ever did. 

I wish I could tell you this, but I doubt I ever will. This can stay inside, I’m okay with that, I think. I’ll let you hate me, I’d rather that than you love me.