#can you tell I am also pan is it that obvious lol

[clockworkreapers]

What are the main characters canon sexuality’s?? Have they any or is it up to interpretation

Twas from a past pride month I think? Either way here u go. Canonically none of my trolls are like “straight” in the human sense lol they don’t exactly have a concept of it or like most human sexualities due to different social norms and all to them it’s like baseline everything is a valid relationship and any gender expression is also just as valid (why I tend to mark them as masc fem or enby presenting not male or female weird biology headcanon stuff yada yada they are not human) their universes Alternians are more concerned with blood anyways.

Considering quadrants everyone here is technically poly to an extent that’s literally just a cultural thing with seeking out two partners. ANYWAYS.

Sauron is gay he prefers masc romantic partners and he is demi so under the ace umbrella

Falmea is pan and aromantic

Majell is a lesbian she just prefers more fem trolls

Helstm is bi

Then Cybele and Cyrusk are both pan!

[vaguely-concerned]

BEHOLD! The list of evidence for my bold claim that Pan and Freddie dislike each other ferociously on sight because they are, in some key ways and despite appearances, very similar people: 

- First instinct upon seeing Grace sad is to try to make her laugh to cheer her up. (See: Freddie’s very first lines in the game starting off as she means to go on, and about half the things Pan ever says or does lol. In the last scene with him before The Trial you can even tell him you’re there just because you wanted to talk to him and have something cheer you up.) General sources of levity and fun and play in Grace’s life if you seek them out. 

- They react with similar anxiety to the idea of Grace being really angry with them (Freddie’s surprised/dismayed “Why are you angry at me?!” in the red route of ‘I Can Teach You’, the millenia-old god of the wild hiding behind a tree for ten minutes because he thinks Grace might be about to yell at him lmao <3)

- Both of them seem to have similar interpersonal insecurities in general, judging by the enforced choice between them in ‘I Can Teach You’ (I love you both so much but oh my god. is this a constructive use of time or energy under the circumstances lol), softened and alleviated by the fact that at the end of the day the most important thing to either of them is that Grace is happy. It isn’t possessiveness, but there is an element of underlying ‘Hey. Hey I am your favorite right?? 🥺’ insecurity there that trips them both up to begin with. Once you play the game and go back to look at this scene again knowing everyone’s real motivations, they’re even coming from the same place deep down — genuine fear for Grace’s safety and wanting to help her. (Freddie uncomplicatedly out of love🥹, and Pan at that stage probably more out of a guilty sense of responsibility, though he does seem to take a shine to Grace herself pretty quickly as well. Also he demonstrably isn’t, uh. Completely wrong in saying Freddie’s involvement in this whole mess is likely to end in tears, even if he is being a real dick about it) 

- If you don’t choose either in ‘I Can Teach You’, they both show up within minutes of each other to watch Grace’s back in the Medusa quest anyway. One brain cell ping pong and no one notices because they keep trying to swat each other with the racquets whenever Grace glances away for a second

Sidenote but flirting with both of them one after the other in that quest is fucking hilarious, they’re just taking turns ‘Really? Right in front of my salad?’-ing directly at the camera (...listen I feel that there is a chance that as long as they kept Grace between them the whole time there could be a thing here. I think a possible universe out there where it happens at least once does exist if one cared to go seek it out. That’s all I’m saying.) 

- Seems a bit obvious but what else am I here for: both very drawn to Grace no matter what main trait you choose. Whether this is true vice versa is of course player-dependent, but it is one way you can play the game. 

- Incredibly similar defensive reactions to being picked on or sniped at (and no hesitation whatsoever in subjecting each other to exactly that immediately anyway haha) 

- A bit dark when you think about it, but they both express the sentiment that it would be better for them to step in and die if it means Grace lives. (Freddie very directly of course ;______; and then in ‘It’s time’, Pan in ‘The Trial’ and the little talk you have with him later in Athena’s office.)  

Matching ‘ride or die’ instincts once awoken, is what I’m getting at. Freddie gets extra points for sheer longevity and constancy, Pan gets extra points for getting there in a week. You’re both unhinged (affectionate) 

- They’re the only ones among the main cast wearing green, right? I think I’ve got that right? Well, Charon does too, I suppose, but he’s a bit more peripheral. (Persephone and Aphrodite wear blue-green, but that seems more associated with death and the underworld and the river of grief everyone keeps using as a metaphor throughout the game.) Somehow I find the idea/metaphor that once you get Pan out from under like three layers of bullshit he’s the same colour as Freddie (who is inarguably The symbol of devotion and steadfastness in this game no matter your choices) quite sweet. 

- Nerds. You know I am right. Slightly different kinds of nerd (Freddie is distinctly geek-flavoured and Pan collects rare books for sport sort of distinction), but still. Oh my god. Freddie should get the whole cast together to play D&D in the Reliquary post-game. It would be absolute carnage. It would be glorious hilarity. *GASP* no wait not the Reliquary, let’s go to the Underworld so Charon gets to play too. For the love of all that is good give this to me now please I need it 

- The only two people who think Freddie losing control of her powers and causing a dance number at a funeral is hilarious

In short this is a recognition of the self through the other (derogatory) situation for both of them and neither of them decides to take that with any dignity or grace (ahaha) in the slightest, I love them very much,  thank you and goodnight 

[my-misericordia]

As much as I'm enjoying this show there is one thing that definitely keeps bothering me and that is the depiction of low income people as represented by Kawi. 

From the start we are told that his finances are bad. He has a job and goes to school at the same time. As someone who did that in high school and university I can tell you that doing that is not only hard but also reallyyy isolates you from your classmates. You lose a lot of opportunities to socialize with people your own age, you get jealous that you can't do the things they can, They can't understand Why you can't attend activities even though they say they do, you stop talking to your peers Because of that rift, and your peers also stop trying to involve you because your answer is usually no. 

It's a no brainer but being Poor is Hard!!! That's why I really empathized with Kawi in the beginning. While everyone saw a brat, I saw a kid being isolated due to his circumstances. If he already had a base anxiety of "fitting in" then that surely got worse because he was unable to tackle it due to having to work in order to stay afloat.

But as the show keeps moving forward...he hasn't gone to Work!!! lol Yes he says it but we've Never seen it!! How is the audience supposed to sympathize with him when this whole time he's just complaining in their eyes? Why can't we have scenes with him going "and i couldn't do X today because I had work" while lying in bed with his uniform on? A few scenes of him meeting up with people a bit late because of work and still wearing his work uniform?? A few days ago I thought it would have been really effective to start the the first episode with him working, in a restaurant lets say, the camera panning to the clock at like 11pm and then panning out and it being 11 am where he's falling asleep and then he starts his little narration. And you know what we could also never return to that location just have him with his uniform like I mentioned!!

I say this because so far Nothing he mentioned has been shown to be standing in his way! He seems to be able to anything...and it really just makes it seem like it was ALL in his head! He really ends up looking like he's just been a whiney person this whole time...and ughh! If that's the case the story didn't have to create him as a lower class person because this is such a terrible representation! This type of depiction just makes it seem like poor people just complain because they have a "negative" perspective, that they just need to look on the bright side and things will just magically improve and I just hate that!!

It's really disappointing because it actually had some great commentary on how economic differences do affect how you go about the world. Like the conversation that Kawi and Pisaeng had in the 2nd episode. Yes we all have 24 hours in the day but when you're poor you do have less. Also the fact that Kawi's father didn't want to keep going to the hospital because it was too expensive. Had Kawi been paying his medical expenses? Did he start working because he knew he wouldn't be able to attend university otherwise? 

Idk it's just...moments like these where it's kind of obvious who's creating these shows lol Income inequality is pretty big in Thailand and with series like this it Shows. But like I mentioned before, it did have a few good points that shed light on how it is to be low income so hopefully that's absorbed by some people? Truthfully I don't think so though because like I said most people just see Kawi as a "spoiled brat" (ironic lol) just having a bad character that needs to changed through "positivity".

**A small extra thing that I think could have been done to depict Kawis' economic standing is his presentation? He kind of looks too good?? lol Like all his clothes look brand new and I know they're kind of trying to make him look 'poor' by not styling his hair and whatever but come onn you can do better than that...I guess what I'm saying is it wouldn't hurt to take a lesson from Japan? They do a pretty good job at dressing people down.

[iamnotawomanimagod]

I want to talk Coach Ben dream theories with you bc even though I didn't respond I have been THINKING about your theory but I have to watch the next episode first bc I have no idea what more happened with that. I feel like I'd propose a theory and you'd be like WELLLLL lol. But oooooh the whole dream world thing is SO interesting

So this is obviously dated and before the finale, but I am still on this train!!

Sadly, I think we've left behind the world where Coach Ben is fully dissociating, though. Since dream!Paul kicked him out of the dream world and Misty talked him off the literal edge, Benny Boy's got his groove back. And that groove means attempted murder-by-fire of like, a dozen teenage girls (and Travis.) So I don't think anything about my theory of Ben eating in his dissociation dream world and permanently disconnecting from them is ever going to pan out.

But it's still very interesting to me that there were other similarities between Ben's dream world and the death dreams of the girls in the wilderness. In the death dreams, the girls are tempted by something they really want. Jackie drinks the hot cocoa and dies, and before that she dreams of her friends warmly accepting her and telling her they love her. Lottie's dream is a weird inverse, where her friends judge and belittle her, and Laura Lee pushes her out of the dream before she can eat food there and die in real life. Even Shauna's death dream, difficult as it is, involves her successfully feeding her baby and connecting with her child. So the pattern of not eating/eating and survival/death is pretty well established at this point.

Ben's dissociation dream world is so similar to these in some ways. He gets what he's dreaming of - he's with Paul, he never got stuck in the wilderness or lost his leg, he's not surrounded by cult-ish cannibalistic teenage girls (and Travis.) And at the end of it, Paul forces him back into the real world, just like Laura Lee did for Lottie. And Paul tells him he loves him, just like Shauna did in Jackie's death dream.

I don't know what these parallels mean, lmao. I'm not even sure they mean anything, anymore. And I don't know if they were ever going to get so literal as the "even if you're not dying, if you're dreaming and you eat, it's bad" route. That was probably too on the nose.

But I do think it's interesting that there are a lot of similarities to all these dreams. Maybe, since Coach also wasn't eating in real life, being the only one who hasn't given into cannibalism, the similarities between the dreams were only supposed to suggest that, if Ben hadn't woken up, he would've eventually succumbed to starvation and died anyway. And they just thought it'd be too obvious to have him be offered and refuse or nearly accept food in his dreams with Paul.

I thought it was clever, though, dammit!

Anyway, this is a long-winded way of saying that I think there's something there, I don't think it's exactly what I thought it was, and sadly, I think we've gotten all the answers we're gonna get. What a nuts story beat, though.

[microwaving-tesilid-argente]

Extended A/N on Tesilid's character arc in your friendship is a festering wound (AO3 link)

Functions also as my speculation for how Tesilid's psyche may have developed during his regression rounds (with extremely major spoilers for those who haven't read up until Ailette's talk with the Pope.)

[Obligatory disclaimer that this was all written with only 180 chapters of the novel in my head.

And also please actually read the fic before reading this LOL]

Okay so the main impetus of this fic was to explore the stages in which Tesilid loses himself. This was also what I had the most fun with writing! The angst was delicious ngl.

I hope the various stages are already clear in the fic, but if you haven't gotten a feel for them yet, I would suggest reading festering wounds (in reverse) (AO3 link) because it's more obvious when read in that order.

Anyway, these are the stages present:

“I want to save you in every life.” Still completely comfortable bouncing off them (Round 21, the Tesilid-nese scene)

Desperation to try anything, no matter how much it hurt him or the others, just as long as they lived (Round 34+, Won't you leave me be?)

“The next life will be better” (~Round 52) 

Comes with a dash of dehumanising the people who are in the current round with him, especially once it doesn't pan out the way he wanted it to. Rationalising that it's okay that Ephael died, because there is a future round out there where he doesn't, and that's what matters. This is just a failed round, the people here don't matter. But nonetheless forming bonds with the people of failed rounds (Hestio specifically) and still being affected when they die, even if cognitively he had already written them off. 

Why do you think Round 52 is titled in the order of Release / Breaking Point, when in order for Tesilid to have that release via crying he would first have to have a breakdown? 

😊 Yeah it's because the real breaking point was when 52nd Hestio died. Things got better for a while in 52 when Tesilid felt seen and heard, and then things went dramatically downhill.

At this point when 52nd Hestio died, Tesilid still very much wants to save them (and other people), but Hestio has essentially given him permission to stop, and it's the real beginning of the end. Tesilid doesn't even want to entertain that at this point of time, but when those are your friend's last words, you really can't help but think.

“Oh. I actually don't care anymore. (And this makes me unworthy of any care; any love shown to me is directed at an old self I no longer am.)” (Round 64-98, when Ephael grows cold in response to Tesilid's behaviour) 

Depersonalisation/losing sight of his old self even more & further emotional distancing from the people of his current round.

Round 100: 

“Yeah I'll just kill you anyway. It really doesn't matter. (There is no future for you or for me.)” Logical conclusion of the dehumanisation from ~Round 52

“Our fight (where you try to get rid of me) is play to me, where I delight in learning about just how strong you are.” 

(With a side of self-sabotage where I want to see how far I can push you before you abandon me for real. Did you see the 17th’s body? That was me. I did that.)

(How on earth did you live so long in the one round I didn't try to protect you? Why? Why? Did I inadvertently doom you with my love? Was anything I touched or even distanced myself from doomed just because I cared?) (I can't tell if I want you to win or lose to me, but I have to find out.)

I dunno how fun it will be to other people, but I really had so much fun rereading the fic in the reverse order of the stages here. It really highlights how horrifically different late round Tesilid is from the start, or even the middle. I've split the stages into chapters in festering wounds (in reverse), but I think it'll be fun to also just scroll upwards in the original fic and find yourself in a surprise section where Tesilid is more hopeful and caring than he was in the section you just left, with the full knowledge of what he would eventually become. haha!

Anyway, thank you for reading to the end of even the extended A/N. I genuinely hope that you had as much fun as I did.

[rotteneldritchhorror]

Fair enough on both paragraphs lol, it’s like 7am where I am and I haven’t slept and I don’t plan on doing so

Now I shall list headcanons because I’m a demented queer who cannot handle straight people existing in media

First, the classics; Bobby is (obviously) pan and is nonbinary/genderqueer and xenogender (that man(?) hoards evil genders- he found out that autistic queers were coming up with villain genders and decided it was his time), also he definitely uses neopronouns (he/it/fuck/evil/vile/thorn/chaos) for the name reason, oh also autism, ADHD, anxiety, C-PTSD, BPD and HPD

Bryce is also pan, but also demiromantic (her only romantic relationships being with a man she fell in love with after mostly sexually charged and escapist dates but soon got to know him enough to love him, and a man she knew from childhood and only started dating in the first place to feel needed and wanted? Cmon), also autism, both C-PTSD (from her mother- just- childhood) and PTSD (seeing Donovan dying), and BPD (and probably more)

Elmer is gray-aroace and pan and is an Agender boy (also he/they/it/null pronouns, also autistic and an anxiety disorder that would be much more THERE if he had a heart but that’s obvious)

Blame is bi and aroflux (he definitely fell in love with Duke during a spike of romantic attraction) also definitely has a smaller preference for women than he’d like to admit- he acts like he’s “basically straight but twinks can be hot ig” or whatever but he likes men more than he’d like, also ADHD and autism (at least AS blame, George has more things mentally ill about him but ya know-)

Eddie/Blah Blah is pan, nonbinary and transneutral, also definitely had schizophrenia that was triggered by the whole ‘constantly force fed/accidentally doing a hallucinogenic like it was candy’ thing, also autism, ADHD, anxiety, PTSD, IED, BPD and bipolar. Don’t ask me why, I just love him and feel the need to dump every disorder I know way too much about from my spin in mental illness/disorder onto characters I love

Paisley is a pan transfemme Demigirl she/they and I love her (also she’s half Spanish because I just find the idea that she fucking said “bitch you know I don’t speak Hispanic” as a Hispanic person so funny and strangely endearing) (also the Bryce & paisley besties thing, but you know that), also autistic and ADHDer

Also, because I can’t control myself, Noah is a transneutral ghostgender agender boy who uses he/they/it/that and has ADHD and autism

You know I believe (correctly) that Cathy is bisexual and aromantic, but also she has ADHD, anxiety and IED

We also know that Sam is canonically a deeply closeted gay, but he’s also demisexual (he’s one of the few canonically gay characters that don’t really refer to having sex, especially not that often, and I needed to do something with that), also, as you said, autistic (with ADHD)

Delmar (yes- shhhhh) is bi and demiromantic, also genderqueer/nonbinary and transneutral- look me in the eye and try and tell me that he’s not on HRT this very second, you can’t! (Also ADHD and probably autism and a personality disorder or two)

Arlo is bi and a genderqueer man/demiboy (he’s not connected enough to manhood to fully identify with simply being a man) is is just full of disorders- but also! Definitely also physically disabled, no one knows other than maybe Manjusha but he has a hard time walking long distances and has extremely bad balance and for a short while after he came out of his coma he could barely move his legs- also DEFINITELY has a lot of memory issues and general developmental and cognitive issues both because he missed most of adolescence and adulthood but also because of the head injury, maybe also Alice In Wonderland Syndrome from said head injury/brain damage— I have a lot of thoughts

this might be a controversial take but fuck it

drawing any brandon character white or super light skinned weirds me out

[tonberry-yoda]

Hello hello hello my darling dear! I was wondering if you could perhaps make do with my request?

It’s a Alastor (HH) x fem reader. The reader and Al were in a romantic relationship when they were alive back in the 1930’s (you can choose if she knew if he was a psycho or not). He was in his early thirties and the reader was around twenty, she was youthful and beautiful. Alastor died first in 1933 and arrived in Hell. Many years later the reader and Alastor met up again in the hotel. They talk and tell how much they missed each other, over their conversation Alastor tells the reader he wants to continue their relationship from where they left off. He asks if she still feels the same way for him (even though he’s a crazy radio demon now). The thing is for the reader while Alastor died when he was relatively young, the reader actually lived to see her 60th birthday. Her new form is much older then Alastor’s and it’s very obvious that she is self-conscious about her old age.

She tells Alastor yes, but look at her. She’s not the same young and beautiful dame she used to be and he looks just as young like how he was when he was alive. Surly he wouldn’t want to be some old lady, old enough to be in early retirement. How would Al react to his darling’s new inaccuracy? Thank you so much for your time and have a blessed day!

hello my dear! i absolutely adore this idea! writing for this radio demon is a lot of fun and takes a lot of creativity and this idea was amazing and so well put together, might I add! i hope you have an amazing day as well, my dear and hope you enjoy your request!

Never Even Apart - Alastor

Pairing - Alastor x f!reader

Warnings - none! (and i do understand that Alastor is aro and ace and i fully respect that, i just love writing for him! all of my love and respect to the aro and ace community!!!)

Word Count - 809

Notes - thank you so so so so much anon! ALSO THE HAZBIN NEWS AHHHH! it's apparently coming out in the summer of 2023 and i am currently losing my mind. (that's also why i wrote this today lol). i hope you enjoy anon! have a lovely day!! <3

It was a beautiful day, even considering that Alastor was in the pits of Hell. There were demonic birds chirping and the burning sun was greeting the hotel with a smile.

Alastor smiled as he did the dishes, humming himself a familiar tune. He knew something was missing from this new life, but he had learned to deal with it. Cope. That's all he had to do.

“Um, Alastor?” Charlie stuck her head in the room with a nervous smile. “There’s someone new I'd like to introduce you to.”

“Oh, just bring them in, doll. I'm a little busy right now.” He tightened his apron and began to hum louder.

“O-Okay,” Charlie stepped out of the kitchen. “I'll be right back.”

It was amusing. This whole hotel thing. It made Alastor entertained and that’s all that was important. Who knows, maybe this new member would entertain him too.

“Here she is, Alastor!” Charlie’s voice sounded nervous, but that was usual of her.

Alastor quickly dried his hands and turned around, his signature smile dropping immediately. It was… you.

He didn't notice that he had dropped a plate beneath him, quickly shattering on the kitchen floor.

“O-Oops!” Charlie giggled nervously and went to grab a dust pan.

“Charlie,” Alastor’s voice sounded different… less radio static involved. “I've got it. Do you mind leaving our new friend and I alone for a little bit?” His eyes didn't move from you once.

“S-Sure.” Charlie quickly left the room and you threw yourself onto him. How could you not recognize that handsome face? That voice? Those eyes?

Alastor quickly picked you up off of the ground and twirled you in a circle before setting you back down, locking his eyes to yours. “Doll… Is that really you?”

You nodded and grabbed Alastor’s clawed hands. “It is really me, Al.”

Your voice was just as soothing as he remembered.

“This can't be real…” He could feel his soulless eyes filling with tears. “Can it?”

You giggled and hugged him again. “I finally died, Al!”

He laughed at your dark joke and held you close. “How did it happen, love? Not dogs, I hope.”

You shook your head and breathed him in. He smelt just the same. Like musk and sweet cologne. “The mafia.”

Alastor laughed out loud and looked at you with a skeptical eyebrow. “The mafia?”

“Turns out they have a big problem with actors who sign their lives away to the illuminati. It's quite funny though, I was nearly retired.” You laughed softly at your own joke and sighed at your nearly wrinkled hands knowing for a fact that you had far too many smile lines and wrinkles on your forehead. Alastor looked so young and you looked so… old.

“Well at least you made it past thirty.” Alastor chuckled and hung up his apron that he untied from his body. “Now let's catch up, dear. Pull up a chair will you?”

---

You know that you sounded like a schoolgirl in love when you sighed at Alastor. It had been years. Too long.

“I'm just glad to hear that you had a good life, my love.” Alastor smiled and slid his hand over to yours.

“I'm glad you’re making the most out of it down here.” Your smile was sincere, but you felt so old next to him. He used to be the one older than you.

“I think we should pick up where we left off, don't you think?” Alastor kept his eyes locked onto yours as he pressed a soft kiss onto your knuckles.

“Oh, I don't know,” you giggled and pulled away, your face turning bright red. “I mean look at me.”

“The image of beauty as always?”

“No,” you gave him a playful smack and looked at yourself in the reflection of some nearby silverware. “I'm not the same beautiful and young dame I once was, Al. You still look young. Surely you wouldn't want to date some old woman now!” The thought made you laugh, but you were quickly interrupted by Alastor.

“What are you talking about? I mean look,” Alastor took a sip of his coffee and gave you a loving look. “You may have died at an older age, but if I'm being honest, I wouldn't have guessed you were that old when you got here. You look great for your age, love.” He gave you a smirk and placed another kiss onto your knuckles.

“Oh, Al.” Your face turned red and you giggled as he laid kisses up your arm.

“You haven't answered my question, dearest?” His eyes were sultry and full of love. How could you say no?

“Well of course, my dear. I would love to pick up where we left off.” You leaned over the table and pressed your lips to his. It was like you two were never even apart.

[sailorblossoms-snowbaz]

Re: Simon’s Unlabeled Sexuality

I was looking at this hilarious but heartfelt comic of the scene where Simon and Baz discuss Simon having slept with Agatha in the context of trying to figure out his sexual preferences (I have Shared Thoughts about this already, but I feel like I can say more things in a more organized manner this time) so anyway, the more I look at this the more convinced I am that it sheds light into 2 things

1. Why the apparently “obvious” labels are confusing for Simon. 

It would be easy to look at things at a surface level and go “well, Simon had a gf then a bf so surely he must bi or pan” (and I’m not gonna go against anyone who hc him as that!). If I’m not misremembering, Baz brings up the question to help Simon figure out if he feels attraction towards women, which makes sense. For a lot of people, sexual attraction and sex go hand in hand –but they don’t have to! There's a distinction, and there’s people perfectly capable of having sex (and enjoy the sensations etc) without experiencing sexual attraction for the person they’re with. 

When Baz asks whether the sex was good (for Simon) Simon is dismissive and tries to change the subject. He goes “it was fine, it was sex” (I mean, imagine having sex with someone, asking them if they had a good time, and they answer like this... it doesn’t sound negative, but would you think they actually enjoyed themselves? I know I wouldn’t lol). Then, Simon decides to open up and confesses that he doesn’t know if he was actually attracted to her, and Baz insists that “surely having sex means you were attracted to her” (again going with sexual attraction=sex, which is true for a lot of people, but isn’t always the case). It’s especially revealing to me that Simon answers “I thought I was! I thought I was going to marry her!” in the same breath, because it’s a sentence about being wrong. Simon thought he was going to marry Agatha, but he didn’t. He thought he was attracted to her, but... he wasn’t. Maybe he actually wasn’t. (The confusion it’s understandable, Simon did find her very beautiful, but being able to see or even appreciating beauty it’s not the same as feeling sexual attraction. It could go hand in hand! But again, it doesn’t have to).

In his own words, everything about Simon’s relationship with Agatha was just going through the motions, including trying out sex, which is supposed to be something at least somewhat passionate (they probably only took that step because of Teenage Curiosity in the first place). Simon (and also likely Agatha, since she’s Simon’s mirror) only did things because he thought he was supposed to. It was probably like going through the “Things Traditional Heroes Do With The Damsel In Distress Trophy Love Interest Because These Stories Tell You You Aren’t Complete Without A Typical Straight Romance” check-list with no particular stakes or attachment.

Either way, thinking about having sex with a girl he thought he was attracted to is not answering the question of whether or not he’s attracted to girls for him. He wonders, “what does that mean?” (that he had sex with a girl? what does that mean for him? for his sexuality?) and follows “we were just going through the motions” (which is like... the most unsexy way to describe having had sex, seriously, it makes me lean even more into there not being actual attraction on either side... did they have a little manual they were reading from step by step when they did it? gosh does it sound mechanical). 

So, what does it mean? Well, it means that shit’s confusing as hell, that’s what. It means that figuring out who we are, and what we want, and what we actually feel can be really fucking hard, and some times looking for answers just leaves us with more questions. And that’s perfectly fine! It’s normal. Some shit can remain a mystery, as a treat. Simon can wear a rainbow in the pride parade and not worry his handsome little head full of cute little curls about choosing any specific flags as far as I’m concerned.

2. It further highlights how strong his (sexual) feelings for Baz are 

In this same book, the are many ways and instances where Simon looks at Baz and, in the words written by the legendary Prince, he goes “Nothing Compares 2 U” [cues the saxo solo]

When Simon says that he never looked at Agatha and thought “how will I ever be big enough to hold my feelings for this person?” it’s obvious that he’s comparing it to what he feels for Baz. He goes from following the manual of “the fuck are couples supposed to do when they are together” comfortable in not really feeling shit, to feeling so much he doesn’t know what to do with himself. That’s what Baz does to him, which is part of what scared him before they started communicating –there’s no manual for when you’re feeling all the feelings, you have to figure it out yourself, that one. Nothing mechanical about it. Simon loves him so much (like he has never loved before, like he will never love anyone else, he’s the love of all his lifes), and in the same line, he desires him so much, he feels like there’s just not enough of himself to contain it all. 

There’s also a contrasts in Baz asking “was it (good?)” about his past sexual experience and Simon being like “well, it sure was a thing I did” but in scenes of closeness with Baz, Simon’s constantly going “it’s so good” and “I’ll make it so good for him”. Hell, there’s a scene in this book where Baz simply looks at him through his lashes that gets Simon so hot and bothered and “it’s so good” that he wants to smash his head against a wall lmao

Unlabeled Horny Simon Rights! it’s what I’m saying.

[ravysu]

Sannin headcanons and thoughts

The last thing I would like to post for the sannin week. It is still 24.04 here! :D @sannin-central

This is long. Spoiler alert. Mostly Orochimaru, some Tsunade, a little of Jiraiya (because his story is pretty clear and spoken and idk what I can add). Also I recommend to read this meta about Orochimaru, it has influenced me a lot and has some good points. Sorry for any posible grammar mistakes. Also I really should put here a lot of references to the manga or anime but it was something that was piling up for a year and I'm soooooooo lazy. After all, those are just headcanons. Also: Im not excusing Oro's bad stuff here, Im trying to understand the reasons.

Ive already posted some hcs, here, here and here.

1. First if all, the chronology pic of sannin lifetime based on the info i found on naruto wiki and also some statements about wars from this post. It was tough considering what a mess naruto’s chronology is.

2. Sannin story shows what it cost to be a legend. They're like Team 7 but more realistic. Tsunade literally carried the war but left with nothing and developed a ptsd and have problems to just live on. Also anger control issues. I think she can be pretty bossy and stubborn which is not always nice. Jiraiya is the hero of the day but also very idealistic and can ignore some important details in the real word whether its the fight (he always injured during flashbacks maybe because each time he took too much to handle and on the one hand it's heroistic but on the other is a mistake that can lead your team to situations like in that Iwa cave) or your friends issues (I bet he saw what's going on but thought it's fine until Oro actually got red handed and left). He lives in his world and may have problems to get out to see it through someone else's shoes. As for Orochimaru, it seems like he was a normal guy for 20+ years (I mean, he didn't do crazy criminal shit and had something good in him and it was stated somewhere that it was his teammates influence. It is obvious they considered him as a friend, I don't thinks it was for nothing) but we mostly know his darkest side. Despite being a moster he is a human that have empathy and some ordinary human traits (man just decorates every bit of an environment he is in lol).

3. Tsunade was the leader of team Hiruzen.

4. Tsunade sometimes hit Jiraiya for some stupid things he did or said but never touches Orochimaru even if he did something same. Jiraiya complained about it once and almost got another hit.

5. Jiraiya had problematic parents that didn't care about him much and a lot of time he was wandering in the streets.

6. Judging by the look of Oro bangs and hair, he sometimes cut it off. A stress relief huh? And the fact that he doesn't do it now in Boruto..

7. It was shown that Tsunade and Orochimaru was acknowledged before they become a team. Maybe they did just before, or maybe some longer time before. I prefer the second option and hc that they met because both had no real friends - Orochimaru seemed weird and scary for everyone and Tsunade was Senju so everyone wanted to hang out with her but didn't really care. They weren't seen as what they were - people put the labels on them. But they didn't care about each other's labels and actually saw each other in true lights.

8. Tsunade knew it was an accident and it's not right but still she blamed Orochimaru for Nawaki's death for some time. It was something that seriously damaged their friendship and the team. Orochimaru was mad but also guilty, after all, he was responsible at least as a shinobi since Nawaki was under his watch. So he started to act cold and emotionless and was trying to distance himself from his teammates.

9. Jiraiya was in Ame while Dan died.

10. The whole his orphans mission was a bit irresponsible tbh. They already fought Hanzo and as he stated the conflict between Konoha and Ame is going to an end with Konoha's win. It's weird to stay here for three years in the middle of the war while there were other lands to fight. He left his teammates for some idea. Maybe that caused another crack in their team friendship.

11. If Tsunade would have find a way to live on with her trauma and follow the will of fire and stuff it would affect Orochimaru as well just as her grief affected him. It's like he would get an example that you can live on with this pain. So death isn't above human capability and we are not just the slaves of mortality (sounds stupid but i dont know how else to describe sorry). But as we know what he actually saw is that it broke her crucially to the point she couldnt be herself again. And so the death is above everything.

12. Oro wasn’t just acting as a cold pragmatic bitch in that cave but also tried to save Tsunade. Jiraiya knew it and that’s why he showed this sign to him like "I see what youre doing here" and that stunned Oro because he would prefer to look rather like a cold pragmatic bitch hehe

13. Just a thought. People in the village probably treated Oro as a foreigner or just wouldnt accept him because he looked so differently and had a weird attitude. That's why he sometimes didn't feel that Konoha is his home. After the wars where people were treated as means and tools, even the children, he himself developed this view on people - he dehumanized them and used as the means to his goals, just as his village did. Funny thing some people were straightly dehumanizing him too like Ibiki thought that he was a demon (tho he was a child). And he probably weren't the only one. Anyways the point is that it's logical that Orochimaru don't care about anybody but some few people, he's the product of his era. He's like Naruto that would chose the hatred way. But naruto had some good and understanding people around him and.. Orochimaru had them too, but match how Iruka treated Naruto and this Hiruzen's "I sAw tHe mAliCe in This cHiLd fRoM tHe BegGinNinG". And oro didn't even have a big ass evil fox in him. sry i hate hiruzen

ANYWAYS the moral of the story is not "go criminal if they hurt you" but always treat people like people. Waving my hand to Kant.

14. The reason why Orochimaru didn't pick some good morals to stick with through the hard times no matter what (like, idk, Jiraiya or Naruto) is because 1) I think he is/was pretty depending on people around him 2) the war fucked him and his friends up too much (Nawaki incident + Tsunade) 3) twisted addictions (though I don't think he's that sadistic, we never saw him torturing randoms just for fun, it was always some science experimental shit. He tends to get fun out of cruelty only when it's personal) that maybe developed as a way to sublimate anger and sadness caused by his parents loss (that's what they share with sasuke - unlicke naruto, they knew their parents and it's other kind of pain. Sasuke developed a revenge issue and Orochimaru - cruelty pleasure which... is kinda the same but less epic and more occasional lol).

15. Speaking of that, Orochimaru cared for Sasuke because he saw himself in him.

16. Oro hold grudges against Hiruzen for not choosing him to be Hokage not only because he was ambitious and/or egoistic, but also because Hiruzen was some kind of a father figure for him and his approval was important tho i doubt he was aware of that. He also probably could tell that Hiruzen was suspicios about him when he was a child and that led to many conflicts and was hurting as well.

17. Tsunade knew things weren't pretty with Orochimaru after the wars but she never expected them to be this bad. During the week that she was given in her arc she thought not only about how much she wants to see Nawaki and Dan again despite how wrong would it be but also was trying to bury all the good memories she had left of Orochimaru so it would be easier to kill him.

18. She poisoned Jiraiya exactly because she knew he would not let her do it. Jiraiya was always hesitant to kill and inclined to forgiveness, while Tsunade, as mentioned by Orochimaru, could be merciless (so much so that he was not surprised when Kabuto suggested that she wanted to use Jira for Edo Tensei).

19. That was one of her traits that scared Jiraiya and fascinated Orochimaru.

20. Remember how Oro grabbed Jiraiya's neck when the latter was trying to cover with hair jutsu? On the snake, in Tsnade's arc. Orochimaru could have easily kill Jiraiya by pulling the sword out of the mouth (arteries are right there) but he didn't. As well as he could kill Tsunade when she was still shaking - just aim for the neck or the heart. Instead, he just injured her lung and kicked her which is not a big deal for the kind of shinoby like her at all.. Also he helped Anko not accidentally kill herself but it would be way much profitable to let her do it. "Orochimaru has no feelings".

21. The reason he suddenly wanted to kill Tsunade instead of forcing her to heal his arms as it was planned (which is weird since it will not going to get him heals and he kinda said that he wouldn't want to kill her just minutes ago) is that not only she refused to help him (he thought he could work it out) but she also prefered the village over him (from his point of view). Out if everyone she was the closest to being able to understand him since the village caused her painful losses too but nevertheless she agreed to be on it's side.

22. He wasn't fighting her back in the end partly because he thought he deserved that. Somewhere deep inside hahah.

23. Tsunade got a fear to develop deep bonds so they probably weren't very close with Shizune (also the way she knocked her down in this hotel.. oh).

24. Orochimaru will be here when she'll die.

25. Orochimaru's eng dub to Tsunade: "I often wondered what it would be like to ring that pretty neck yours". No comments.

26. Orochimaru is either bi/pan or ace. Anything or nothing lmao

27. Hiruzen knew about at least some of the Oro’s illegal experiments and was okay just as he was okay with the Foundation all the time. Because it’s useful. Then he has discovered he went too far OR he knew everything and oro just became too inconvenient because of his methods. The way Orochimaru tells Sasuke about reasons they are well treated as the criminals is based on in his experience with Hiruzen.

28. As you may know the lyrics in Orochimaru’s music theme goes “don’t talk with the silence of the heart”. It was taken from one Indian song that also had lines like “don’t question life too much”, ”pain arose somewhere in the chest”, “don’t speak to the wounds of the heart”. Though I’m not sure 100% because I was translating it with some hindi dictionary with like zero knowledge of hindi

29. I like to think that this “silence of the heart” theme and the fact that he called his village a hidden sound village are somehow connected. The hidden sound is the possible explanation of all things waiting to be listened to but the truth is silent and you know it deep in your heart and it bothers you. The world is silent just like the life is meaningless but people can only hear. *Sigh* anyways

30. Orochimaru’s journey is the one about accepting death. When he saw Karin released her chains while was trying to get to Sasuke he understood that the death is a part of human’s strength.

Can’t wait to feel that everything I wrote is wrong or not enough or stupid and obvious lol. Anyways, it’s something that I wanted to share until I move to some other fandom.

[hopefullystillatheatrestudent]

this might be a weird thought but the way jensen performs masculinity (and i KNOW it’s a performance cause like, have you SEEN the mockumentary?) is just.... so inherently queer to me lmao

ok. okokokokokok. you asked for this. i have a LOT of thoughts on this. it’s gonna be under a cut because i’m gonna be annoying and psychoanalyse a celebrity i’ve never met(and hope i never do) but trust and believe when i tell you i know what i’m talking about so

you want my opinion? here goes. there is absolutely no way jensen ackles is straight. i hear you, ‘how do you know that he’s bi? that’s invasive and creepy’ but may i counter that point by saying how do you know he’s straight???? why is the default for everyone heterosexual? that’s a toxic mentality to have; ‘oh you don’t know for sure so just treat him like he’s 100% straight just in case’ like....what? heteronormativity drives me wild i’m sorry

and also, um, just to, um, prove my point that this man is decidedly not straight™(i really don’t want to do this but like it has to be said) we KNOW he’s not straight because his d*ck has spoken for itself around misha, like, four times. I HATE SAYING IT!!!!!!! but, um, straight men don’t get aroused by men. ...do i really need to explain myself further???? that’s what i thought(and don’t give me the ‘it could have been for unrelated reasons’ or ‘that wasn’t a boner!’ crap because um good lord yes it was and misha caused every single one so no it wasn’t a coincidence i’m gonna move on before i collapse into myself like a dying star)

anyway, on to the topic at hand which is jensen and his performative masculinity. and it’s a juicy one.

after the unconscious amount of hours i’ve put into watching and subconsciously judging jackles, i have come to the conclusion that like, 90% of how he presents himself and talks and even moves is an act. it’s a facade. it’s a shield. he is not that person. it actually seems exhausting, because he tries to compose himself in this macho, manly, confident and effortlessly cool way, but he’s not that person he desperately wishes he was and wants to be perceived as. he’s on guard every second, even the slightest tilt of his head is like, pre-meditated in some way? if i’m going FULL body language analyst mode, i’ve noticed he has a certain posture he always shifts himself into, and it’s very ‘pursed lips, stoic faced, gruff voiced, square-shoulder, broad and manly’ but, not to be rude jensen, it kind of reads as a little kid imitating the adults he thinks are cool? oof i am going IN huh(it’s out of love though i promise)

he is trying to be this person at every second:

because that’s who he wishes he was, because that’s how he gets validation from the people around him that he looks up to; straight white guys. but to me, who he presents himself to be at conventions is just as much of a performance as this whole eye of the tiger bit is.

oh i should mention i know his body language isn’t naturally like that because how he naturally carries himself is actually pretty flamboyant? like he seriously must be toning himself down HARD

examples:

there’s no tension in his body here as opposed to the eye of the tiger gif. i’d describe it as...generally loose and free? he’s at ease when he moves like that and you can see it.

oh and dude!!! DUDE!!!! how could i not mention the fucking SPECTACLE that is his voice??? jensen. i watched season one. i know where your voice naturally sits. THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU SOUND LIKE. and there have been so many accounts of fans visiting jensen in his trailer and being surprised that his real voice is two octaves higher. again, his performance of masculinity is all encompassing. he can’t even talk normally because, in his mind, that’s a chink in his armour.

and, like you said, anon, this whole smokes-and-mirrors gong show of ‘i am the cool texan man’ is inherently queer. who are you trying to impress??? guys??? that’s pretty gay dude.(btw: gay[honorary])

i feel like i’ve already read this man for filth but i have to keep going bc i have so much to say

ok next thing i’m gonna talk about is how jensen says one thing but everything else about him tells us the exact opposite. another HUGE element of performative masculinity, ONE THAT DEAN WINCHESTER IS A MASTER OF. have i mentioned how dean and jensen are like mirrors of each other when it comes to their sexuality and queer identity??? because it is fascinating how everything i say about jensen also directly applies to dean.

allow me to introduce the grumpy face™. as in, the face he glues on when he’s enjoying doing something but doesn’t want to let anyone know it. and it’s ALWAYS when he’s doing something that could be seen as unmanly in any way. (and when i say manly i mean the ‘ideal’ version of manhood that doesn’t really exist but that jensen seems to be striving for[and dean too])

prime example is this video he did with daneel. the grumpy face™ doesn’t budge the whole time as he’s like,,,,playing an instrument and acting like he doesn’t want to bc i guess that’s too girly??? but i also find this video fascinating because the joke IN it is kind of that they’re both poking fun at him for being so insecure about playing a freaking flute. because, i mean, he gets into it, but he wants you to think he is not.

also this picture.

what is this. i hate them. jensen is smushing himself into misha’s forehead but noooo his face is telling us ‘i hate this’ because CLEARLY he does. also misha’s so happy ew gross

he does that face in photo ops with misha ALL THE TIME but how many times has he also literally asked the con goers if he can also have those photos on his phone too? because of course he actually loves touching misha and is actually a sentimental fool but he tries so hard to hide it and fails so spectacularly.

oh and this. and of COURSE this. actually let’s talk about the hitch kiss for a hot minute because it’s a perfect example of exactly what i’m talking about

(he is so transparent guys. he tries so hard but he’s so obvious.)

1. misha was never supposed to be onstage with him. so it’s a boldface LIE and OBVIOUS PLOY TO GET MISHA TO KISS HIM when he says ‘they’d like us to make out now’. but of course the way he says it is ‘oh my god can you believe what these crazy panel people are making us do haha but i mean what they say goes amirite’. same energy as ‘oh my god did you just dare us to kiss rn???’ ‘....no i didn’t’ ‘oh my god i can’t believe you’d ask that haha but i can’t say no to a dare lol’ it’s the SAME THING

2. the fact that he was in the worst mood before misha came onstage and FAKE KISSING HIM made him feel...SO?? much better? like not just a little better a lot better like, again, that says a lot, because if they weren’t dating he would not be in a better mood if misha kissed his cheek unprompted. bc that cheek kiss wasn’t a joke it was a genuine sign of affection and AHHHH

3. after the kiss happens. you know, the one that jensen actively leans into and is smiling like an idiot the whole time through and is quite clearly having the time of his life during....he says ‘well, that was uncomfortable’. .......my guy. um. i don’t know how to tell you that i do in fact have eyes and you are NOT pulling the fast one you think you are

like i’m so sorry jensen but i have you pegged. it’s literally no use.

god there’s so many instances of him doing this with misha specifically. the whole ‘ew gross lol’ but then everything about him tells us the exact opposite. like this(i hate this. how dare he say ‘he has though, hasn’t he?’ LIKE THAT?????)

so yeah my point with that is he really wants us to think he is one thing when he is the antithesis of what he’s trying to be. he really likes those things that he talks down about, and everything he’s loudly projecting is all to hide how he really feels. he went to a gay bar with daneel, for crying out loud. he wants to play a role in drag. he’s queer and he likes it. pov: you’re jensen ackles train of thought: ‘ok so i really like this thing that people might make fun of me for or call me gay for liking so if i just say ‘lol as if’ and make a grossed-out face they will be FOOLED. i am a genius. hey misha wanna blow on my ear lol i meAN GROSS EW’

i have two more things i want to talk about when it comes to this topic so PLEASE bear with me anon this is why you took so long to answer clearly lmao

ok so we’re now going to go over my favorite hot take of all time. which is ‘how do we know dean’s performing masculinity? because sam isn’t.’ only replace dean with jensen and sam with jared and oh my god do we ever have a case

jared is as STRAIGHT as they come. he is secure in that knowledge. and that’s why he is perfectly comfortable treating misha like this:

and not try to scream ‘i am not enjoying doing this!!!!!!’ at us. because he doesn’t care what we think of his sexuality like jensen does(because he has nothing to hide whereas jensen DOES)

something i found the other day that no one has brought up but i SCREAMED upon finding it is this one clip THAT I CAN’T FIND OH GOD but i promise i’m not making it up. i can’t believe i can’t find it guys it is gold. i need need NEED to talk about it. and if anyone knows what i’m referencing and can apply links in any way i will love you forever but here’s what happens off the top of my head:

ok so i’m a bit too braindead to explain it perfectly but um basically it’s a j2 panel and someone brings up magic mike and i think jared says ‘yeah i didn’t watch it’ and then jensen says ‘all the way through’. stupid joke. whatever. the joke is that jared is gay for watching magic mike.

and then i literally kid you not. jared gets this like ‘jesus christ ok dude? lol’ look on his face and then goes ‘projecting much, mr. ackles?’ and jensen gets a guilty look on his face and walks away. and jared did not say it as a joke. he was being dead pan and earnest. and jensen knew it too, he knew he was projecting. i wish i could show you guys the clip i promise if i ever find it i’ll link it but IS THAT NOT SO DAMNING FOR JENSEN????? like come ON. also proves my point that when you compare how they feel about watching magic mike. jared doesn’t care bc watching it just doesn’t interest him, but he also thinks that just watching it in itself doesn’t make you gay. jensen however.......has a different mindset, clearly.

‘projecting much, mr. ackles?’ is actually a great title for my next and FINAL section(we’re almost there folks) which is how jensen projects his insecurites about his own sexuality and relationship with misha onto misha.

i hope by now we’ve all seen this video of jensen impersonating cas. it is a blatant microaggression on his part. and like obviously homophobic. it’s like in his mind if he makes fun of them for being gay it makes them both less gay somehow??? it’s self-deprecation in a way??? let’s just tell it like it is: that impression was just jensen’s overt internalized homophobia rearing it’s ugly head. he does it a LOT too when it comes to misha.

i mean:

and that whole mess where he’s making fun of misha for being a bottom in their panel in 2016? ‘so you’re saying, like with football terms, there’s a handler and there’s a receiver heheheehe’ jensen you’re not exempt from being gay just because you know football terms lmao

oh and his OTHER impression of misha where he mocks him for...bicycling...because it’s not a manly enough sport??? jensen NO ONE else has ever thought this hard in their lives about what constitutes as masculine enough to be a sport before. that’s all you bud. we don’t find those jokes nearly as funny as you do. you are reaching, sir

the good news is that misha thinks it’s hilarious and knows it’s projecting on jensen’s part and will tease him endlessly for it. many stories come to mind, like that one photo op story where they’re literally dressed in rainbow banners and pride stickers but when misha goes to hold his hand jensen said something like ‘no way’ and then misha stepped back, put his hands on his hips and went ‘that’s the part that’s too gay for you???’ and jensen LOST it

or when that whole underwear thing happened(messy messY MESSY BTW) and then a fan asked a question about what dean and cas would do in rome and misha just said ‘when in rome’ and jensen makes a face like ‘are you serious’ and then misha says ‘you can’t look at me like that anymore, because of what you did!!!!!!’

OH and that whole story about when misha suggested they put jensen in the closet for that cat video....yeah um

and then when jensen was asked to do bisexual finger guns for a photo op and the con goer said ‘he looks bisexual here’ and misha literally said ‘oh he definitely looks bisexual here. i would say he’s actually closer to the gay side of the spectrum’ so..um...make with that as you will

OH MY GOD i’m finally done. wow. WOW. that was a lot. i hope i’ve blown your minds. ty anon i really wanted to talk about this and i hope you’re happy with the outcome!!!!!!

[mobagehelllocal]

“lucky ending” extra notes i & iii

Hi, I said I would do it but then I released ver i so long ago that I felt I shouldn't do this unless I had another version out at least so yay! finally! ... I'll add ver ii here when I get around to writing it... *shifty eyes* So as usual, this is just my thought process and ideas while writing lol.

*please do not read if you haven’t read “lucky ending” ver i (dorm leaders) & ver iii (rook & lilia).

It was inspired by an anon ask and the button tradition from Japanese schools.

The anon ask went like this: First at all, I like do much your writing and I hope you are doing well. Second, I was wondering what would happen if the MC (Fem!s/o I guess) decided to not go back to her world, like she decide stay with her villain? Can you do make headcanons of this for the dorm leaders? Thank you very much. – from Anonymous

The button tradition, as narrated by the first years, is done when one person confesses and the other responds by giving them the button closest to their heart. In most Japanese uniforms it’s the second uniform, but in Twisted Wonderland--I looked at the ceremonial robes and the closest button should be the fifth. Maybe. I could be wrong. 

The songs I listened to while writing this! 

The original dorm leaders (and Rook) was written while listening to “Lucky Ending”, the ending theme of Fruits Basket. The English lyrics (translated by otenkiame!) are: 

“Change is important. I want to do it well,/ but I wanna cry. It's still bad. I wanna cry” 

“The word "goodbye" has disappeared completely from this world/ All that remains is me fooling around next to you/A day you don't laugh won't come anymore”

“I've understood it since being here/ These feelings of wanting to protect you aren't a misunderstanding/ If we can call what connects us bonds,/ everything changes/ everybody changes/ Even if in a different world, it'll never be different/ everything changes/ everybody changes/ Don't change, ever/ Stay here, stay here”

I think it’s obvious why I chose to use this as the title of the series. It’s a story about change but it’s also a story about the things you don’t want to change... And I think it’s not wrong to want to hold onto things. 

I also listened to the same playlist that I listened to while writing “wendy?” “hello peter pan”:

“Can’t help falling in love” cover by Annapantsu, “If you’re not the one” by David Beddingfield, “Who Knew” by P!nk and “All Too Well” by Taylor Swift. 

For Lilia in particular, I was listening to three Beauty and the Beast songs on loop. “Evermore” by Josh Groban, “Days in the Sun” by the live action cast and, of course--”How does a moment last forever” by Celine Dion.

“How does a moment last forever?/ How can a story never die?/ It is love we must hold onto/ Never easy, but we try/ Sometimes our happiness is captured/ Somehow, our time and place stand still/ Love lives on inside our hearts and always will”

Also for Lilia, Tolerate It by Taylor Swift.

“You're so much older and wiser and I/ I wait by the door like I'm just a kid”

“I made you my temple, my mural, my sky/Now I'm begging for footnotes in the story of your life”

Malleus was definitely the first piece finished. Closely followed by Vil’s. I believe there was a gap inbetween them before I did the others? I wrote bits and pieces of Leona, Idia, Kalim and Azul’s. I think I finished Leona, Idia, Kalim then Riddle because I distinctly remember saving Azul for last. 

One of the most important things for me, is that each story stands distinct of each other. So I gave myself a really hard time trying to figure out how each one uniquely belonged to each of the characters.

For the Prologue... I think because it’s set at the graduation of certain characters, I used that to my advantage and implied the stronger bonds between the Yuu!Reader and the entirety of the cast. Because a lot of time has passed and I feel like--regardless of what other people believe, bonds will be made and relationships will have strengthened enough for it to happen. 

Riddle is honestly another really difficult character for me to write. I generally do love him and I enjoy his story, but something about him is difficult and I’m not sure why. 

I think a part of me is also really miffed because from Heartslabyul-Savanaclaw, you could feel that Riddle really cared for Yuu on some level but then he just straight up disappears come Octavinelle chapter. I feel like there was potential to develop their relationship even more. 

He WENT UP AND TIED YOUR RIBBON I REMEMBER I WENT DOKI DOKI OVER THAT. 

I feel like because I’ve established that it’s a Yuu!Reader, it’s impossible for this story to not include both Ace and Deuce. So of course they featured in really big roles for this one, being responsible for telling Riddle the story.

I have to thank my friend, Mes, for bouncing ideas with me. They were the one who suggested what I could do with Riddle’s story by having ADeuce play such a big part!

I also tried my hardest to include Trey and Cater, and I’m pretty happy with their cameo. In a way, they definitely helped Riddle figure out his own feelings for you. 

My favourite lines are: “I think you earned that much. I don’t believe anyone’s ever been in your situation before so—there’s no right or wrong about what you’re doing. It’s all about what you want to do.”

I wish someone would tell this to Yuu in general though. They’re the only one who has ever been in their situation (to our knowledge at least) and like... they’re definitely allowed to be even more selfish. 

Leona is someone who I used to dislike a lot. I never hid that. It’s primarily because of how disappointed I am in the story of Savanaclaw probably. But like, I was always concerned about writing him properly because I thought that it was only right that I did right by him, because there would be people reading these stories who loved him. And I felt like I had to do right by that love. 

I think... it’s wrong to believe that characters... villains... cannot fall in love or “won’t fall in love.” I think it’s wrong also to think that “people don’t change for love.” 

In fact, people do change. You definitely shouldn’t change yourself to be loved, but... people change all the time to be their “better” selves. So whose to say that a good person, who you love, will not make you want to improve yourself? Isn’t that what we want when we meet people? To fall in love with someone who will ultimately make you better and never worse. 

Or so that’s how I try to write the Twisted characters when they fall in love... With an understanding that “morally” the person they are falling for is “kind” and “good” and how a part of them might just want to be better just for that person. (Especially Leona and Azul). They don’t necessarily have to be nice to everyone, but if they can be better for one person... We stan healthy character growth.  

But yeah, Leona is driven by understanding that he’s a very selfish person. But that he’s also very unfortunate and he doesn’t want tie you with someone who, he thinks, is actually worthless. He probably, deeply, thinks you deserve more.

Though his selfishness eventually wins out and well... Won’t you forgive him for it? :) For tying you down to this worthless second prince? 

I think his own self-awareness does make him try harder. Not for everyone or everything... but for you. Just for you. I think that would be Leona’s love language--spending time with you, trying for you.

He’d appreciate if you didn’t call him out on it though, that would be very embarrassing. 

Looking back, I’m surprised that it was the only version where none of the other boys from his dorm showed up lol. Which means Ruggie is the sole character who has yet to appear in the “lucky ending” series, huh.

My favourite lines from his story that still leaves me breathless and patting my past self in the back: ““I’m home—” you said—even if a part of you felt that home should have been two green eyes, a cocky smirk, and a warm patch of sunlight on the grassy ground.”

Like honestly, what was I on? Who was she?

Azul is, like Leona, someone who is so keenly aware of the things he’s lacking. In fact, he’s someone who thinks he’s lacking when he’s probably perfect in some aspects. He might act proud but a part of him--I think--thinks its not enough. It’s never enough. He can certainly do better still.

In that light, it’s why he thinks he’s undeserving of a partner. Especially one who is “kind” and “understanding.” While ultimately, Azul deserves people in his life who are that and “accepting” of him--I think he still thinks he doesn’t. 

And thats why he lets go of the Yuu!Reader. It’s why he doesn’t “chase” after her like Leona did.

It’s because he’s selfish, because he wants her--that he forces himself to let go. 

Azul needs someone who’ll tell him that he is worth something and that he’s definitely worth the effort. So please praise him a lot until he’s crying in happiness. I’m sure it’s the one thing he’s always wanted to hear from people around him.

Also my Poly!Octavinelle Agenda has never died and I am pleased Past!Ai got away with so much Poly!Octa hints in this story lol. But honestly, regardless of wht Octavinelle says... god, you can tell they genuinely care about each other.

I recently rewatched Octavinelle’s chapter and... by god, the amount of things I missed out on first watch. Jade’s concern when he realized Azul wanted to get rid of that photo... The fact Floyd was so willing to drop the fight to return to Azul too... Anyways, Poly!Octa Agenda for life.

Favourite lines: “Azul’s pathetic whimpers turned into guttural sobs. His fingers spread to cover his eyes—and his glasses slid off his face, down to his lap and then to the ground—at his actions. His whole body shook as he cried his heart out.”

It’s not as poetic as a lot of my other favourites, but for some reason these lines always get me when I reread them. There’s something so visceral about it. 

Azul’s piece is probably the least visually stimulating out of all these stories? His was so emotionally driven compared to the others and I worried a lot about that.

I think I remember I was crying so badly as I was writing this. 

Kalim is really hard for me because I feel like I struggle a lot with finding conflict in his character? He’s such a genuinely nice person, I find it hard to believe that the Yuu!Reader would feel alienated from him or something. So I brought in “environment” to get in the way. 

My use of celestial imagery for Kalim is because of the Scarabia trailer! I really loved how it put Kalim as the sun and Jamil as the moon. I definitely will take advantage of that when I get around to writing for Jamil.

So because I wanted to use the sun, I chose to use the idea of comets for Kalim? I think I remember something about how meteors are drawn to the gravitation pull of the sun and can “escape” it or “be destroyed” by it. Haha, hot. 

Jamil is someone who ultimately cares about Kalim too and I had fun writing his banter with the Yuu!Reader. I think I wanted to decribe the shadows licking his face reminscent to the marks from his Overblot but... I felt like doing that would give Jamil too much focus so I ultimately decided against it.

It would’ve been hot though. 

Oh yes, one thing I wanted to talk about is Kalim’s rushed proposal. I remember people talking about it in the tags, comments... even in asks at that time. The reason he does it is because he’s someone who didn’t realize his feelings until you spelled out your own. It was a sort of: “Oh. Right. That is the word I’d use to describe my feelings.” 

My favourite lines from his story is: “How does one bid goodbye to the sun?” and “No one ever willingly bids goodbye to the sun.They spend the rest of their lives trying to find the right way back to it.”

My god, who was this genius.

Vil is probably the most visually stunning out of all these stories. I feel like my stories go from super vivid imagery and setting to just complete emotional disasters lol. (Vil being the former and Azul’s being the latter... not that it’s bad, it actually suits the characters). 

Oh man, I remember thinking that Vil is such a hard character to write because we don’t know what his motivation for perfection is. All we knows is that he wants to be the best but, why? 

It’s like, for example, Idia. His motivations could be otaku-related. He doesn’t want to go to class because he’d rather go play or something. That sounds in character--but Vil was so hard because he wanted perfection.

But we already see him as such a perfect character, so what else did he need to be even more perfect? In that light, Chapter 5 did a really good job on presenting Vil’s motivations. 

But honestly, I think I can comfortably say that the Vil I’ve written so far is pretty accurate? To his character. I’m really grateful I read his chat lines because his comment about intelligence really got me thinking about his possible motivations. It made it really easy to understand that Vil wasn’t like majority of the real world’s influencers. 

One other thing that I was really happy about with his story is the use of the flower language. It’s something I hope I can use more because it’s so beautiful. 

Oh! And the roses the Yuu!Reader talks about are double delight roses. They are specifically bred to have two colors--yellow in the center and pink on the outside. I thought it fitting that the Yuu!Reader breed special roses for Vil.

They can be called... err... Vil Roses?

My favourite lines from his story is:  ““My happiness will not be dictated by others—no, Vil Schoenheit is a person who will grasp happiness with his own hands.” [...] “I’m giving you this button because I’ve already found happiness by your side.”” 

This line was actually inspired by Zelda C.W.’s MYth series. Specifically Hera’s story, Will. 

Idia ...for him, I somehow had a very hard time imagining him trying to tell the reader to stay. Like that didn’t compute for me? I felt like his version was better approached in a more comedic light somehow. 

I also felt that it would be cuter if the Yuu!Reader had already chosen to stay and Idia would need to hastily retrack his confession... Unfortunately, Yuu!Reader won’t let him. 

Honestly looking back on it, I wonder how much of Chapter 6 is going to make me scream and want to rewrite Idia’s part? 

My favourite lines from his story is: “He was never particularly good at lying—nor was he good at keeping secrets from you. You were a person he considered a dear friend—and he was always the type of person who ended up spilling everything to you. He liked being able to talk about the things he enjoyed—he liked that he had found someone who wanted to hear him out.”

A lot of my interpretation for Idia is closely linked to personal experience as an anime, manga and gaming fan. It was just a couple of years ago where people would actually be bullied for liking these things--but nowadays its become a norm. It’s... stunning actually but it makes me happy to know that maybe nobody will be judged for loving anime.

That being said, Idia’s longing to find someone he can talk to is something I really relate too--back then, it was so difficult to find someone to talk to about my interests... So I interpreted Idia as much the same. That what he enjoys about the Yuu!Reader is their ability to simply sit and listen to him talk. 

Malleus... man, recently I’ve been starting to fall in love with him all over again. He was my first oshi ever... Anyways, moving on. You think I’ve talked enough about immortal x mortal but nope, we are not done. I love this theme in general, romantic or platonic. 

I will never shut up about it you can’t make me. 

Sebek having a good enough friendship with Yuu!Reader is such a delicious concept. Like mutual respect and Sebek understanding that Yuu!Reader gives Malleus a different type of companionship that Sebek, Silver or Lilia couldn’t... 

And also, ultimately, Sebek and Yuu!Reader do love Malleus. In different ways, but I like the thought of Sebek respecting that and respecting the Yuu!Reader.

Me realizing just now that Silver joins Ruggie in the: “has never appeared in a lucky ending fic club.”... Sorry Silver, I swear soon. Once we get more content on you.

Celestial themes for Malleus are primarily, again, because he only ever seemed to meet you at night. And I thought it would be wonderful, if you were a bright spark to him. 

Favourite lines are definitely:  “Oh, bright light… I would prefer to live the rest of your life by your side… rather than spend centuries contemplating what it could have felt… to hold you in my arms.”

I am, always, going to be such a big sucker for the idea of immortals constantly remembering and loving mortals. Always holding them close in their memories, because in that way--their lovers have become immortal with them. 

I also like to imagine that he eventually figures out a way to connect your worlds together so you can still talk to your friends and family from that world. He is one of the most powerful magicians around, I’m sure its possible.

Rook was honestly the most difficult piece for me to write because he’s so hard(?) for me to understand. He’s a mess of contradictions honestly and I... guess I’m excited to see what he’ll do come Chapter 6. 

I actually rewrote his story so much. I got about 500 words with a different idea/plot in mind before deleting that completely and restarting from scratch. 

I feel like Rook is someone who talks big and talks about love without actually knowing what it truly might feel like. He’s someone who doesn’t understand it and ends up mistaking it for his fascination. 

Aside from me enjoying inserting other characters from the same dorm as much as possible, I felt that Vil was the perfect person to snap some sense into Rook.

Epel’s appearance there is basically to reflect how much I really hope the first year kids get really close to one another. 

Rook is also someone who I think, doesn’t try to explain himself too much. He’s someone who I think talks a lot, but if people don’t understand him then he doesn’t need to be understood? That’s my impression. Lol, when “lucky ending” became a character study. 

I also really loved the idea that Rook was fine with people running from him--to him that makes it all the more thrilling. But then you start running away from him and that just ends up making dread pool in his stomach. 

My favourite lines from his story: “‘When something ends, it must be sad. So, tell me then, how an ending could be so beautiful?’ [...] .‘But there was one ending that was beautiful, non?’ [...] ‘That’s right. ‘They lived happily ever after’—are those not the words that define a beautiful ending?’”

I used the dusk metaphor for Rook. My idea is that he starts seeing dusk as an ending and how he can’t fathom how any “ending” is beautiful. When a story ends, it’s not beautiful to him, humu. But when that ending is the happily ever after then... That makes all the difference. 

Lilia was actually easier than Rook’s but also fairly difficult. I had written the middle of Lilia’s piece while stumped on Rook’s actually. Lilia’s was probably easier because I love the idea of immortals and mortals.

I don’t really like the idea of mortals becoming immortals. Like, yes, it’s certainly sweet and spending eternity with a one true love is definitely the best possible ending but... I think there’s so much weight in an immortal choosing to love a mortal while knowing that they will ultimately lose them.

The biggest theme for Lilia is definitely time.

Thinking about it now... There’s been a lot of things in real life that’s just... Made me think about how we have less time than we actually think we have. And I think I ended up channeling that through Lilia... Though I feel like it is ultimately things Lilia would think about though. 

The most important imagery would probably be the stars.

I honestly wanted to avoid it because I used celestial imagery for both Kalim and Malleus but the words just flowed out in a way that I felt that I couldn’t replace. So I went with it. 

Lilia is no stranger to loneliness. One of the reasons he feels less alone is because he has family now and he doesn’t want to rob you of that. Family is so important to him because they are people who are meant to be with you--they are people who will make you less lonely--or so thats how I think? he thinks. 

My favourite lines from his story: “He would relish in the way—You made the world pause. You made a moment extend into an eternity. You made an immortal crave just a little more time.”

I’m so immensely proud of this one? I don’t really have much else to say. There’s something so raw about it that I love. Also the part where it continues on to say that  “Because there is never enough time.”

Me realizing my extra notes is just half me simping over these characters, half sharing headcanons, have actually giving good advice? perspective?, half song lyrics, half character study/analysis?

“lucky ending” is about change. Whether we want them to happen or not it’s... the human condition to change. For better or worse, we change--day by day. I think we all operate under a small panic about how everyday things are changing...

But “lucky ending” is also about the things that don’t change. Won’t change. Will never change. The things worth holding onto, the thing worth fighting for... or so I’d like to think.

[chainofclovers]

This Way Up season 2 thoughts and feelings

We finished watching the second season of This Way Up last night (watched it in two sittings over Friday and Saturday) and I liked it a lot more than I thought I would though the season did feel uneven at times. The story also made me feel incredibly, incredibly sad, and my brain is so cluttered with thoughts that I'm not sure I'll be able to actually make sense of the show if I don't just go on and share my impressions, as scattered, self-indulgent, and based on the limited memory of a single viewing as they are.

Where was I when I was watching this season of television?

Physically, I was on the couch with my wife, repeatedly remembering and forgetting that the Olympics were happening. And so, interspersed with this deep dive into the mental health and personal and professional challenges of London-based Irish sisters Áine and Shona, I experienced some archery, skateboarding (those bros honestly seem tooooo cool to even want to come to something as embarrassingly earnest as the Olympics, but good for them!), and men's gymnastics.

Mentally, I was contemplating some significant professional (and, yes, personal in their way) life events that are neither here nor there for tumblr dot com. I was also considering the season two premiere of Ted Lasso and my fannish relationship to that show. For it is true--the person I was while watching season 1 of This Way Up is not the same person who watched season 2 this weekend, because in the meantime a 45-year old white man from Kansas (and every person he knows) managed to become my primary media preoccupation, and I am surprisingly chill about how not chill I am about this anxiety-ridden ray of sunshine/football coach (both footballs). But as we all know, being chill does not mean feeling chill. That make sense?

Anyway. This Way Up. It's about to become a mess of spoilers and feelings in here, so venture behind the cut if you dare!

For Obvious Queer Reasons I was extremely curious to find out what happens between Shona and Charlotte and Shona and Vish. As such, while it was uncomfortable to watch, I think my favorite scene in the whole season is when Shona and Vish have video chat sex and Shona has this intrusive memory of sleeping with Charlotte that feels like the ONLY moment in the entire season that she isn't performing or editing herself in some way.

My other favorite moment is when Charlotte talks about how upsetting it is to feel like a "lesson learned" chapter in Shona's autobiography.

I cannot believe I'm about to type these words, but I think the writing on this show might actually put too much trust in viewers to pick up on things. I know, this never happens! This is my dream! Why am I typing this? But hear me out. I think there are a lot of interesting parallels in terms of whether Shona and Vish (established, engaged, committed) and Áine and Richard (new, taboo [but is it really that crazy that she ends up dating the dad of someone she tutors?], exploratory) are truly able to listen to each other and accept each other's needs. It's about honesty or lack thereof, and it's also about what's really happening inside someone's mind. It's such an incredible moment when Richard tells Áine he likes that she's always so "up" and she has this private moment where you can see this heartbreak in her eyes because of course we know that she really struggles with her mental health and with depression. And I like that the show has both Bradley and Charlotte in the position of being on the overlapping outside of those relationships, offering their own wisdom from a place of really, really caring about Áine and Shona. But I just wanted MORE of that. This episodes are so short, and I needed there to be more of a tight story about those parallels, more of a sense that we'd hurtle towards some kind of revelation by episode 6.

I realize this is a thing about UK shows, but these seasons are just too short. The episodes are like 24 minutes long and there are only six of them and I felt that while you could create an effective season of TV with those constraints, this season jumped between scenes too frequently. I wanted to live in the scenes for longer. I didn't want to feel like I was watching the editing and decisions about what to show happen before my eyes.

If season 3 happens, my second biggest dream is that Bradley and Áine can have a conversation following up from the observation that it would be nice to be with someone they're just comfortable with (spoken while they're slumped on the couch together having one of the warmest conversations two characters share all season). My biggest dream is that Shona and Charlotte can have a respectful conversation about how Shona defines her sexuality. I want Shona to be safe explaining if she'd want to use the term bisexual or queer or pan or even lesbian or some combination of those terms. Not because the labels are the most useful thing, but because in this case it would be incredibly useful for her to force herself to choose some words, not in the context of feeling Vish-related pressure. To be brave enough to describe herself, and to be safe enough to know that Charlotte isn't going to make some snide comment about men. It's totally fair that Charlotte is so hurt, but she needs to be able to listen, too.

I do think this season does an incredible job capturing Shona's intense ambivalence about herself, and how she is SCRAMBLING to deflect from that by focusing on her sister, work, family, wedding-planning, the hen do, basically anything but dealing with her own little brain and heart. I mean, when COVID starts to arrive in their lives, it feels like she really wants Vish's asthmatic uncle to be the golden ticket they need to call off the wedding.

I have mixed feelings about how frequently Áine references the feeling of being an actor or the feeling of experiencing things as someone might in a movie or show or the feeling that someone else is treating her as an actor or character rather than as a real person. I think it's an interesting thing to write about, but upon first watch I struggled to figure out if it was a commentary on the other parts of the story or an additional thread Aisling Bea wanted to weave into an already incredibly short season of TV.

It was very jarring to have a COVID plot. The only mainstream media I've seen so far with a COVID plot is--LOL (to quote Áine, who says LOL so many times this season)--the final scene of the Saved By the Bell remake. Again I say LOL!!! I didn't hate it or love it, necessarily, I just thought it felt strange because we're still in the pandemic and everything is strange.

Everything with Tom was so, so, so painful. I don't know if I can even get into it. I just felt visceral devastation and was hurtled into strong memories about people in my own life who died prematurely. (Suicide but not only suicide.) The way the last scene ended felt like--immediate tears just pulled from my eyes without me even realizing what was happening. And God, the way Tom-in-the-flashback calls her a "soppy cunt" (I think?) and we realize Áine used those exact words to jokingly refer to Richard's previous girlfriend who was a human rights lawyer? GOD.

While Áine and Shona don't really engage with each other in the same way my sister and I do, my sister and I are also really, really close and I'm the older sister and watching this show always gives me a lot of emotions about siblings. This is actually part of why the rapid scene cuts and feeling that they both were leaving so much unarticulated stressed me out. Áine nails it at the end when Shona has finally told her about Charlotte and she says Shona needs to tell her more, but I wanted to SEE that conversation happen. I wanted to FEEL Áine's reaction, because Áine's reaction matters more than Vish's or their mother's or anyone else's. It was frustrating!

I dunno, y'all. I really love this show. I think it is exactly what it wants to be. I could not tell you today if I will ever rewatch it even though I (think I) still consider it a favorite. I honor and respect the fundamental messiness and pain and hilarity of this show. What a wild experience.

[delaber]

Chipped

Rafael Casal x Reader

Note: I love when you send me prompts 😭 I asked for angst and you delivered! Thanks to all the lovely anons and to @theatrenerd86​ of course!

Words: 3K

Warnings: fist fight 🙃

Tagging: @exrthangel @theatrenerd86 @lonelydance @ohsoverykeri @summerofsnowflakes @ramp-it-up @alexander-hamilhoe @honeysucklechocolatedrippin @riiyy @mysearchforgratification @janthony-stan @sillyteecup @biafbunny @einfachniemand @cashskid (Imma keep tagging you unless you say something lol).

The minute you stepped in the door, everything changed. Time seemed to slow down. The music became distorted. Rafa could've sworn that the lights dimmed considerably. The billiard ball rolling in slow motion in front of him suddenly wasn't as exciting anymore. All he could focus on was you and the heavy heartbeat in his chest.

You looked around the room, shot him a small wave from afar and headed straight for the bar as his senses seemed to return to normal, time speeding up again.

You'd shown up to the party late and even though Rafa had only seen you from a distance, it was obvious to him that something was wrong - again. Even though you had held your head up high, your confident body language was outshone by the fake smile and the sadness in your eyes. Rafa watched your squared shoulders as you poured yourself a drink while trying to look brave. And although you were doing a splendid job pretending everything was alright, he didn't believe a second of it. You had never been able to keep anything from him. He knew you too well.

"Are you seeing this too?" Diggs mumbled as he had also noticed the way you were carrying yourself.

"Yeah," Rafa breathed as he looked at you wipe away a small tear, the smile still broad on your lips. His heart was aching in his chest. It hurt seeing you hurt.

"What are we guessing?" Diggs continued in a quiet mumble, "Rob?"

"Definitely Rob," Rafa said darkly. Of course you were crying because of your asshole fuckboy of a boyfriend. The biggest fucking clown to ever walk the face of the earth. Mr Dickbag himself. Rafa's nemesis.

Rafa and Diggs had absolutely hated Rob from the minute you had introduced him to them - not only because the man was absolutely no good, but also because he had come out of nowhere, pulling you away from Rafa at the worst possible time. Before Rob, you and Rafa had - much to Rafa's satisfaction - flirted quite heavily. Hell, on special occasions, Rafa had even been granted access to your bed! But from the moment you had met Rob, everything had been about him, and Rafa had been degraded to being your old buddy again. ...And he absolutely fucking hated it! And he hated fucking Rob for stealing you away. Fucking Rob with his fucking stupid hipster haircut and his fucking badass Michael K Williams scar.

"We should go talk to her," Diggs said quietly, and put down the billiard cue without looking away from you.

"Yeah, I'll see what I can do," Rafa answered without really paying attention to Diggs.

"You? Alone?" Diggs arched an eyebrow at Rafa, "are you sure that's a good idea? Last time you nearly broke them up."

"That's still the plan," Rafa sent his friend a challenging look, "or do you want him to continue breaking her heart?"

"Of course not. You're just... partial," Diggs sent Rafa an equally challenging look. He was all for you and Rafa getting together, but he also knew that Rafa was in neck-deep water.

"Shut up, dude. I know what I'm doing," Rafa mumbled and started walking towards you with determined footsteps before Diggs could stop him.

"Don't stir shit up!" He heard Diggs yell behind him.

Rafa ignored his best friend and took a few brisk steps towards you before he was standing by your side. You were pouring yourself half a glass of tequila, downing it in one go.

"Hey..." he smiled when he caught your eye.

"Rafa!" You jumped a little at the surprise of suddenly having him in your face, "hey. How are you?" You poured yourself another tequila, your fake smile still broad on your lips. You hoped he hadn't noticed your rather weird mood.

"Better than you it seems..." Rafa eyed the contents of your plastic cup.

"Is it that obvious?" You shot him a look.

"You're drinking tequila as if it was water..." He leaned in close and spoke quietly so only you could hear, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No," you lied, "I wouldn't want to ruin your night," you said quietly. The truth was that you actually did want to talk about it. Maybe with Jasmine or Emmy - but definitely not with Rafa of all people! You already knew how he would react; he hated Rob and would go absolutely ballistic.

"You could never ruin my night," Rafa smiled softly. "Come," he said and grabbed your hand, tugging you along. You followed him hesitantly but ended up sitting down next to him on a small bench outside the house, determined not to tell him a thing. However, as he immediately put his arm around you and pulled you close, the treacherous tears started welling up in your eyes the second you felt his hand caressing you.

"Hey, are you okay?" he asked softly.

"Yes. I'm just having a really shit night," you mumbled while wiping away an annoying tear.

"What happened?"

"Nothing, I'm okay," you croaked, trying to keep him away.

Of course Rafa didn't believe you, and in a matter of seconds, his expression changed dramatically, "Did Rob hurt you? If he hurt you, I swear to God I will kill him!"

You looked over at Rafa whose nostrils were flared, clearly already angry at the scene he had set in his own mind without even knowing if Rob was involved or not.

"He didn't hurt me, Rafa. Stop jumping to conclusions just because you don't like him..."

"So this has nothing to do with Rob?" Rafa arched an eyebrow at you.

There was no way back now. You knew that Rafa would do absolutely anything in his power to get you to tell him about what had happened. You shot him a sideways glance, trying to determine how angry he was before you admitted to Rob's deeds. "It's Rob, alright - but he didn't do anything on purpose."

Rafa clenched his jaws shut and curtly said, "just tell me what happened."

"Promise me you won't hate him..." you whispered while biting your lip.

"No. What did he do?!" Rafa demanded through gritted teeth.

"He - uhm -" you considered shooting Rafa a lie but knew that he would see right through you immediately. Eventually, you decided to tell him the truth even though you knew nothing good would come of it; "Rob - uh - accidentally kissed someone else last night," you mumbled quietly while carefully examining Rafa's face. He looked as if he could punch something so to diffuse the situation, you quickly added, "- but he feels really bad about it and he told me everything straight away!"

"He cheated on you?" Rafa tried to say as calmly as he possibly could although he was doing a horrendous job. Of all the terrible things Rob had ever done to you, this one definitely took the cake.

"He didn't do it on purpose!" You added quickly, "Please don't be mad at him!"

"Why are you defending him?" Rafa said desperately. His face was distorted, his eyes livid, "He cheated on you! Tell me you broke it off with him!"

"He didn't do it on purpose. He's been going through some stuff lately and he told me that he feels terrible about it..."

"Good!" Rafa said angrily and gritted his teeth, "fucking suits him right. Say the word and I'll deck him in his smug face!"

"Stop trying to save me, I can handle myself! This has absolutely nothing to do with you..."

"I'm the one who has to see you like this," he said softly.

You shot Rafa a look, "you pulled me aside!"

"Yes! Because I see right through your fake smile - and it hurts to see you like this!"

"Rafa, I didn't ask for you to take care of it."

"You'd do the same for any of your friends. I don't know why you can't see that he's bad for you!"

"It's just a rough patch! I know he loves me, he's just been stressed lately."

"Are you not listening to what you're saying right now?" Rafa desperately pulled at his hair, "The guy made out with another girl and you're excusing it? You should be livid!"

"I am livid," you shot Rafa a hard look, "why else do you think I'm sitting out here, talking to you about it? If I didn't care that he kissed someone else, I would obviously be inside right now, enjoying myself!"

"If you're truly upset about it, don't excuse his behaviour! Break up with him! He's toxic as fuck!"

"Would you stop that?!" You said sternly, "I know you aren't his biggest fan but he's my boyfriend."

"Why are you even with him? He's a fucking low life!"

"He's a low life?" You said in a shrill voice, not able to hold back anymore, "as opposed to whom, Rafa? To you?"

"As opposed to anyone!" Rafa spat, "why can't you see that there are so many guys out there who are a million times better than fucking Robert Havert?!"

Rafa's words hit a little too close to home and you got really angry with him, "you really want to go there?" You couldn't help yourself.

"Go where?" Rafa shot you an irritated look

"Riddle me this, Rafa; do you by any chance consider Rob competition?"

"No," Rafa said curtly, looking away from you.

You crossed your arms and tapped your foot, "really? Because you've been sending me some weird fucking signals lately while trying to break me and Rob up."

Rafa's feelings were bubbling inside him and before he could stop himself, he spat, "Of course I consider him competition! Isn't it obvious that I'm in love with you?! You and I had something special before he came along and corrupted you!"

"He didn't corrupt me!" You answered through gritted teeth.

"Why did you turn your back on me then?" Rafa said loudly, his voice breaking. He instantly looked ashamed of himself. He obviously hadn't meant to show you so much of his emotions.

"Because I fell in love with Rob! ...What you and I had was a mistake..." you desperately cried out, "sleeping together was obviously a mistake!"

"If it was a mistake, why did it happen three times?" Rafa spat angrily before his eyes became glossy. He was panting hard, his face all screwed up, "please don't regret me," he croaked, his chest aching horribly, "you can't be serious..."

"Of course I don't regret you, Rafa. But we would've never worked out."

"...Because of him?" He shot you a dark look, his chest heaving up and down.

"No, Rafa," you desperately put your hands on him trying to calm him down, "Because you're you and I'm me. We've been friends for ages."

"I don't want to be friends," Rafa whispered before he angrily looked away from you.

"Rafa, honey," you whispered while searching his face, "I love you - but not like that..." you put your forehead to his. Your hands were now on his chest and you could feel the heavy heartbeat through his shirt. "I'm sorry if I-" Your words were drowned by a car door slamming hard and a voice behind you yelling loudly; "Step away before I punch you in fucking the face, Casal!"

Rob was coming at you and Rafa at full speed, an aggressive look in his eyes. You let go of Rafa as if you'd been scorched by fire and ran to your boyfriend, trying to stop him from beating up your friend. You hadn't told Rob about you and Rafa's escapade but Rob had long ago figured out that Rafa was into you - and you knew that he had been looking for every excuse to fight it out with him.

"Everything's fine, baby," you tried, "Rafa didn't do anything. We were just talking. Everything's fine, I swear!"

Rob's eyes were huge, his nostrils flared as he gently pushed you aside and went head to head with Rafa, "what the fuck are you doing, Casal?! Are you trying to get with my girl?"

"I'm protecting her from you."

"And you plan on doing that by hooking up with her?"

Rafa stood up straight, trying to make himself a few inches taller, "I plan on doing that by actually showing her some emotional support!"

"Don't fucking touch what isn't yours!" Rob was snarling angrily.

"Rich coming from you," Rafa said calmly with a small growl, "do you feel like a big man when you cheat on your girl?"

Rafa's choice of words had Rob shooting him a sickening smile, "that's right, Casal," Rob smiled humourlessly "she's my girl. Not yours. And you know what? She never will be yours. You will never get to touch her, to kiss her, to fuck her. She will never want you. I know you've been dying to experience it but you will never get to see her with your cock in her mouth," he said devilishly.

"Rob!" You interjected, disgusted with how your boyfriend was talking.

Rafa couldn't help himself. He knew he would be disloyal to you and that it would escalate the situation immensely, but he was desperate to wipe away Rob's stupid grin so he too smiled before he calmly said, "oh, you don't think I know what she looks like with my cock in her mouth?"

"Rafa!" You hissed loudly from behind your boyfriend.

Rob's smug face fell considerably and although Rafa could hear the disappointment in your voice, he continued, "what? She didn't tell you?"

In a matter of seconds, Rob's face went from red to purple. He took a firm grip in the collar of Rafa's shirt and plunged his head forwards. Rob's forehead hit Rafa's face with a sickening crunch, and Rafa staggered backwards but was on his feet not long after, decking Rob in the face with his closed fist.

"Please stop!" you pleaded them and tried to pull them apart, but Rob punched Rafa in the stomach, causing him to fall to the ground with a thud when all the air was knocked out of his lungs.

Rob plunged forward, put a leg on either side of Rafa and started hitting him repeatedly.

Rafa was desperately trying to defend himself against the rain of fists that were coming at him, but was so busy trying to avert Rob, that he didn't have the ability to fight back. Luckily, Rob was grabbed from behind by two guys that hurled him backwards and off of Rafa. Rob unsuccessfully fought to wrestle himself free from Oak and Anthony'a grips while yelling, "I'm going to break your fucking skull!"

Meanwhile Rafa, who was now back on his feet, was trying to wrestle himself out of Diggs' grip, responding with a "I'd like to see you try, you fucking pussy!"

As Rob and Rafa were trying to fight the men off of them, you stepped in, "what the hell is the matter with you two?" you bellowed.

Rob looked as if he had almost forgotten you were there, the sound of your voice immediately making him stop squirming in Anthony and Oak's arms as he looked at you. Ant and Oak released their grip on him, and instead of flying towards Rafa, Rob took a few deep breaths, his eyes piercing through you as he tried to calm himself down.

"How about breaking my skull now?" Rafa yelled at him while squirming around in Diggs arms hoping to break free.

Rob's gaze flew towards Rafa, while Oak and Anthony took a step closer, ready to punch him to the ground if he tried anything. Rob felt the two men nearing him and looked as if he had only just realised that if he jumped Rafa again, he would have to deal with Oak, Ant, and Diggs too. He took an ultimate decision and with a last look at you, he huffed, turned on his heel and angrily walked away with balled up fists.

Diggs loosened his grip on Rafa who immediately ran to you, "are you okay?" He almost yelled, his voice laced with concern, "I'm so, so sorry you had to see that!"

You looked up at him with a dark expression, "how fucking dare you!" You started out in a whisper but your voice gradually became louder as your tone changed to anger, "how dare you talk about me like that! As if I'm some conquest that you brag about to your mates!"

"I know I'm sorry," Rafa panted, avoiding your gaze, "Heat of the moment."

"Rafa look at me," you searched his face, "this is over," you said slowly, painfully aware that you were breaking his heart in front of his friends.

"It's over?" He looked as if he didn't understand what you were saying.

"We can't see each other anymore. It's over!"

"What? You're choosing that clown over me? What does he have that I don't?"

"Rafa why can't you see that you're just as big of a clown as he is!"

"...what the fuck are you talking about?!" He panted desperately, "I'm just trying to make you realise that he's a dick! I'm helping you. He's treating you like shit!"

"I don't need or want your help. What I want is for you to stay the fuck away from me," you said angrily giving him a small shove. With one last look back at Rafa, you turned on your heel and desperately ran towards your boyfriend who had almost reached his car.

Rafa watched you chase after Rob. He watched you desperately explain the situation to him. Watched you apologise of all people. Watched Rob take you in his arms as if he was the one who had to forgive you. He watched you kiss Rob's cheek before you started crying. Rafa's heart was aching horribly. He almost couldn't stand still.

He watched you get in Rob's car, kiss the man passionately before he pumped the speeder, sending Rafa a smirk as you once again kissed his cheek. Rafa painfully watched you drive away and all he was left behind with was a black eye, a chipped tooth, and a broken heart.

[normal-thoughts-official]

magnus bane can cook anon here. also: cooking is a love language for raphael bc food is so rooted in community/family. they absolutely teach each other traditional recipes. big family meals hosted by father and son pls 🥺 or magnus making a comfort meal for himself when he's feeling nostalgic and inviting cat over for dinner bc she's been so busy and he wants to catch up while also making sure she's nourished--two birds, one stone (he absolutely makes her take home leftovers). let magnus cook...

ugh i know this ask is old but i'm not sure what you mean by "magnus bane can cook anon", like, if you sent me another ask about this, i didn't get it rip. unless it's something i have already answered and i don't remember, in that case i'm sorry

anyway, YOU ARE RIGHT! magnus being unable to cook is preposterous tbh, i will not listen to these lies. HE! IS! INDONESIAN! food is important! and as an immigrant in particular he knows that better than anyone because food is a way to keep connected to his roots, to his love, to his culture. i will not accept any "magnus can't cook" slander, he CAN! plus like you see the way he made alec's stew amazing?? yeah yeah he used magic but i doubt there is a "make this delicious" spell, he needed to have known WHAT he would have done to the stew, add this and this and that to alter the taste, so like? he knows how to handle himself in the kitchen okay and he knows what tastes good and what doesn't, he can cook

and he knows exactly how important food is as a love language and YES him and raphael!!!! i don't have to argue that raphael can cook of course, we all know he does, and again! immigrant! LATINO!!!!! food is so fucking important for latines in general, even non-immigrants, and i imagine that it is even more so for immigrants. it's part of your culture, part of who you are. and like! raphael has been unable to eat for so long! i bet he misses it so much and i think when he wants to thank magnus for something, food is the way to go

especially in the early years. he didn't have much he could have done for magnus when he was just a recently Turned vampire kid with nowhere to go and nothing to his name, but he COULD cook for him. and i bet he was ecstactic to. i hc that magnus grows his own ingredients at home because he simply doesn't trust gringo markets to have good food and while he can and will travel to jakarta every now and then to enjoy a good food market - again, it's an intrinsic part of his culture! of course he wants to go to those when he can, it's not just the food, it's the sharing and the experience - he also wants to grow his own food. plus i think he is attached to plants. you've seen the way he talks to snakes, you mean to tell me he doesn't have a bunch of plants he grows (both for potions and foods) and talks with and grooms and is all loving towards? nonsense. absurd. i won't listen to these lies

and YES i am projecting unto him but i don't care! magnus loves his little plant friends (they have been particularly therapeutic for him in the early years after camille i feel, when he was so lonely. of course he has his cats but cats aren't really fans of hanging out all the time and plants are always there and just looking at a plant you helped grow makes you feel so much better) and prunes them with so much love and care, and because of magic he can control the weather conditions so it's always ideal for them, and make sure they are well taken care of. but he likes to do it himself without the need of magic when he can, because it's all about bonding with the plants. and when he gets to literally take the fruits of his labor, well. it makes the food and potions even more special :)

actually i bet that it actually does make a difference for potions, like... when you know the ingredients and they have been grown with love and care and a connection to the warlock they are more powerful. because plants are living, breathing things that build connections, and magic connects all things, and also because i said so!

BACK TO COOKING

i think part of the reason we've never seen him cook tbh is just because it's so... intimate. like it requires opening up about his culture and his past and a part of who he is and how he feels is in a dish (as with every dish) so it's just... way more intimate and intense than just taking someone out to dinner or something. and most of his interactions in the show were with shadowhunters, whom he either doesn't trust for obvious reasons, or does trust (alec and izzy basically, maybe clary) but knows they don't really fully understand what it means to him so there's just too big a chance to feel like he wore his heart on his sleeve for nothing (i'm talking mainly about alec here cuz i don't think he'd cook for izzy or clary lol but i do think they're on his trusted or somewhat trusted list)

and with raphael it's just painful because raphael can't eat and that's a big thing that probably upsets him on the regular, like, it's another thing that makes him feel a- human; and b- connected to his culture. and when i say human i don't mean it as just "humans eat food", i mean it as in eating for humans is about socialization and self-expression and having that taken away from him makes him feel soulless

but that just makes raphael want to cook MORE! i mean we've seen him cooking for rosa('s nursing home) so that's pretty much canon anyway. and i have no doubts in my mind that raphael used to cook for magnus all the time. initially recipes he already knew from his mom and his abuela, because again, it's just... sharing who he is and almost like welcoming magnus as a part of his family, and magnus understands that 100% and probably cries the first time rapha makes him pozole or something (he knows it's rapha's comfort food and he's just had a hard day and he's tired and maybe a bit worn by depression and raphael makes it for him and he's just... so touched and overwhelmed by the immenseness of the gesture). and then magnus starts to tentatively teach him the recipes he remembers for his own mom and again that's just.... ugh the magnitude of that is incalculable. and rapha knows it too

and he's highkey nervous because he knows magnus hasn't really tasted this in so long and he doesn't want to butcher it, you know? and he can't try the food to see if it's good, he can basically only go by smell (which i figure he has perfected over the years but he's known magnus since the early years so that was probably harder by then) but magnus is just happy to have someone to pass this down to, you know? like he's cooked meals for ragnor, dot, cat, elias, etc., before (immortal squad dinner meetups where everyone brings their favorite foods from their childhoods and ragnor makes tea because no one is putting up with that shit <3) but passing the recipes on to someone else is a whole different deal, it speaks of their father-son bond and it's basically welcoming raphael into the family back, you know? and rapha knows

and from then on rapha starts cooking these recipes for magnus, particularly when he's feeling down or just as a thank you for everything he's done for him and aaaaaaaaaaa

and then of course eventually the potion that allows vampires to eat is created and raphael can FINALLY eat again and try all the recipes he's been making for magnus (and sometimes cat) for years!!! after of course the first order of business which is making himself some pozole and everything else he's been cooking for rosa and missing terribly. but AFTER he has his mexican feast they absolutely have one of these meetups again and everyone gives raphael a little something from their culture for him to try and it's just <3 beautiful and i need a moment

AND CAT YES. we all know cat is overworked to death and magnus will NOT put up with it. and food is a love language so you know <3 half the time she will get home and find some little delivery packages from magnus, dot, ragnor, elias, raphael, or all of them (lol) with food because they know sometimes she gets home too tired and skips dinner and she SHOULD NOT. and they all have little notes like "i've sealed it magically so it's still hot, enjoy <3" and it's just sweet okay

and then there are the dinners... not just the super big dinners they all have together where everyone cooks something but sometimes just cat and magnus in magnus' loft and magnus makes her something, including some recipes she's taught him, and he absolutely makes extra and he's not even subtle about it because when is he ever ("*presenting cat a industrial-sized pan filled with food* oh, guess i miscalculated how much we'd eat" "really, magnus?" "yes") and makes her take the leftovers and she's just grinning at him the whole time and gives him a little kiss on the cheek for his troubles. then they sit down and drink wine and gossip and have fun until the tension has left both of their shoulders and they feel recharged. and cat might sleep there or might go back home the same day but either way when they have to part they trade "take care"s and catarina has this huge smile on her face as she takes thousands of conteiners filled with food, and magnus has that soft smile that he gives her, and aa <3

[alwaysahiccupandastrid]

His Dark Materials S2 Ep 6 - Rambling/Thoughts

I really cannot believe that we’re at the penultimate episode already, oh my gosh. It’s gone by so fast??

Again, because I’ve reread TSK in the last couple of weeks, the book is fresh in my mind but I’ve probably still missed stuff

Also last week was so intense and seeing the “previously on” section made me remember just how intense that was, so it’s a hard job to top that!

ANGELS AHH RIGHT AWAY IM GEEKING OUT

“The last time they were seen was to make war” - IT’S HAPPENING ASDFGHJKL

Ruta going off to see Asriel and me just remembering what exactly went down between them while she was there with him... heh

So Will’s hand looks AWFUL oh my god poor Will 😭

Pan is REALLY into his Red PAN-da form oh my goodness

So the other kids out for revenge terrified the living SHIT out of me, dear god I don’t think it could be any creepier than dozens of them appearing out of the shadows like that, like it’s genuinely terrifying

Serafina just dropped right in to rescue them and I was both relieved and a little disappointed? Because in the book the whole chase sequence is so much longer and more important, like it takes up most of an entire chapter I think, and here it’s like two minutes?

Serafina: What does this edge cut? // Lyra: Everything (Will at the same time: Nothing.) - 😂

I missed Lee and Jopari tbh so yay to seeing them once more! And they’ve crossed into the next world!

Oh hi again Mary!

^ I wasn’t expecting to see Mary again this series because in TSK book, her last appearance is going through the window (which was last episode), so I’m a little curious as to whether we’re going to get a TINY little peek into The Amber Spyglass here (it’s been years since I reread it, I apologize). Because last series they did a bit of TSK (namely introducing Will + him crossing into Cittagazze), so it would be interesting!

“Good, something I can understand for a change” - LOL Same

Serafina wants to take Lyra back to her world?? Really??

Not gonna lie, the two girls spying on Mary was kind of low-key creepy

Lyra mentioning that she crossed worlds to find out about Dust and mentioning Roger 😭

Also I’m so emotional over just how much she wants Will to be safe, like she would really do anything to keep him safe and I love it

Lyra asking the Alethiometer where Will’s dad is and “he’s in this world” - ahhh it’s going to happen!

Also I really hope that the BBC/whoever decides to sell replica Alethiometers because the design is so beautiful?! I would fork out serious dough for one, and it would go nicely with the one I have from the film

No but seriously, words don’t describe just how badly I want a replica

“I wanted to fly so I summoned you here, now I’m flying” - LOL OKAY THEN JOHN

Ooh damn, that outfit Marisa is wearing is FINE. I’m slightly gayer than I was before, ngl

I was like “nooo Mary don’t be nice to these kids, they’re awful”

But it’s very sweet that she offers them food?? Like she pulls a chocolate bar out and is like “it’s no good for you, it’s full of sugar”... I love her

The way that Mary was so happy and excited when they mentioned Lyra, only to tell the girls off for trying to kill her - more of a mum than Mrs Coulter tbh

“Miss, can I have a hug?” - AWWW OMG WHY AM I SAD

They asked Mary to stay and look after them omg 😭😭😭

“Come with me, I’ll bring you to your adults” - ooh okay this could go any number of ways... Either she actually reunites them with their families and all’s well, or she takes them up there and their parents/adults are all dead (for lack of a better word)? Or the Spectres attack after Mary leaves them with the adults??

Jopari talking about meeting his dæmon and also a little bit about trying to get back to his family :(

“Can you magic us up a fire?” “One moment” *presents a box of matches” - LMFAO

Wait did Serafina seriously just imply that she thought Will might hurt Lyra?!?

Serafina saying that if protecting Lyra means protecting Will as well... Yes, protect Will please! Protect BOTH of these children, I literally BEG you, they’ve gone through far too much

Ooh okay so the witch ritual/spell was kind of cool to see!

Lyra saying “please tell me he’ll be alright” 😭♥️

The fact that Lyra curled up close to Will and then Pan (in ermine form) curled up CLOSER to Will is so cute, they both love Will so much

Pan: “We feel safe her... don’t we?” / OOF OKAY THIS IS F I N E

I already know what Lyra’s “other name” is because I read the book but the hints are anything BUT subtle tbh. “Mother of us all, cause of all sin, tempted by the serpent”... I’m not even that religious but I think it’s pretty obvious.

Also, if Mary is playing the part of the “serpent” within Lyra’s destiny, does that mean that Mary has tempted Lyra? Or that she will?

Boreal being nervous about being in the city and Marisa is just so unimpressed by him... Mood

That smirk she had when going up to that Spectre victim was so chilling, we have to stan Ruth Wilson and her incredible acting

Also, fun fact, Ruth Wilson went to my sixth form college and is from Surrey (like me), and she grew up in Shepperton, which is where my Nan used to live when she was alive (my uncle and aunt live there still), so that’s super exciting!

“We could learn from this” - PLEASE DO NOT MA’AM

God I hate the Magisterium so fucking much, the patriarchy is so strong with them

Oh great, now they’re gunning to kill Lyra :/

Also, off topic, I’ve only just connected that Will Keen, who plays Father MacPhail, is Dafne Keen’s dad?!?

“She’s lost a lot for one so young” - AND SHE’S STILL GOING TO LOSE PEOPLE, WHY IS THIS FAIR PHILIP PULLMAN 😭

“She must be protected” - AGAIN, they BOTH need protecting PLEASE

The Spectre noises reminded me of the noises of the Smoke Monster from LOST, so that’s definitely trippy for me

Thanks, I hate it

I nearly shouted “WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE DOING” out loud in front of both my parents, I seriously thought she had a damn death wish

I have never been so damn tense in my entire life as I am watching this show - and I KNOW what happens

HOW DID SHE DO THAT WITH THE SPECTRES SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN

Lee’s so worried about Lyra - 11/10, Father of the Year

The Magisterium airships... NO. FUCK. WE’RE AT THAT POINT ALREADY AND IM NOT OKAY BECAUSE I KNOW HOW AND WHERE THIS ENDS AND I HATE IT

I deadass thought Marisa and Carlo were about to kiss when he ran up to her and I actually said out loud “NO please don’t”

Look I must just be so dirty minded but when she said “let’s celebrate”, my immediate reaction was “NO NO NO NO EW EW EW NO” and “I hope she just means having a drink and not doing the frickety-frack”

I was so close to tearing up as Will was talking about his mum, her illness, and the boys who were mean to her because of it. His love for his mum is so beautifully written and the way Amir Wilson is playing Will is so wonderful

I was also close to tears when he was talking about his dad and how he used to imagine about his dad, so maybe I’m just emotional anyway

“Could go to school... have friends” - okay yeah no I’m definitely crying 😭

“I couldn’t trust anyone.” “Until you met me.” “Yeah.” - EXCUSE ME ♥️😭 my HEART

I love one (1) soft boy, and one (1) feral girl and her dæmon

The relief I felt when I saw Marisa and Carlo were literally just having drinks 😅

“They consume what makes us human, so I just suppressed that and hid it” + *cut to the monkey looking kinda sad/uncomfortable* - Umm fUCK OKAY THEN

Why am I feeling sorry for the monkey?!?

“You think we’re equal?” - LMFAO RIGHT

EWW THEY KISSED. No, just... nO

When I saw his snake dæmon moving towards her monkey, I thought one of two things was about to happen: 1) the monkey was going to pet and paw and the snake as Marisa seduced Boreal, or 3) the monkey was going to strange the snake and kill Boreal

OKAY THIS TOOK A SHARP BUT NOT UNWELCOMED TURN

“You’ve NEVER been my equal.” “You’d only hold me back.” - OH MY GOD YES THE SHADE

She’s not wrong though let’s be honest here

So she poisoned him I’m assuming? She poisoned his drink because the monkey didn’t actually touch the snake... damn.

Her just sitting there and continuing to drink with his dead body there is... damn.

“Into that valley” NO NO, please no

Jopari really just summoned a whole damn storm huh

Also the fact he fully trusts in Lee’s abilities to land them safely :3

Lee: “Can we trust him?” // Hester: “Do we have another choice?!!” - LMFAO I love them so much

THE WAY I NEARLY SCREAMED WHEN THAT WITCH GOT ATTACKED BY A SPECTRE OMFG AT LEAST WILL WAS THERE TO SAVE HER

Okay but did Marisa REALLY sit there for HOURS with Boreal’s corpse sitting opposite her?!?

Her burning her hand on the flame in front of the monkey, and the monkey clearly whimpering and in pain was so agonizing to watch, I can’t take this show

Also, you have to wonder just how many times she’s harmed herself (and him) for her to keep doing it with next to no problems (like separating from each other all the time)

I was so excited to see the birds attacking the zeppelins, like it was one of my favourite details in the book, and I worried that they wouldn’t have the budget for it but yay!

I do kind of wish that we’d had Sayan Kötor as the “eagle Queen” leading them though - she probably was but I wish we’d actually seen it or heard Jopari say it or whatever

THEY SHOT THE GAS CANNISTER OH SHIT THEY’RE GOING DOWN HARD AND FAST IN THAT BALLOON

HOLD ON BBC YOU CANNOT END THIS THERE?!? EXCUSE ME?!

The last episode is next week and on an hour earlier, so that’s exciting! I have no idea what I’ll do once this series ends, or when we’ll even get the third and final series because of COVID and filming delays, but I’m excited for it nonetheless and hoping it’s next November/December or something!

[sizzlingpatrolfox]

honestly , as someone who's bi and is surrounded with queer men all the time , taehyung seems so painfully straight (like as straight as hobi) and i don't see how taekookers don't see it , it's so so obvious ... he gives me artsy flirty dude who knows how hot he is yet acts like he doesn't vibes lol (i'd fall for him tbh) .. the only ones that give me queer vibes in bts are jimin (gay), jk(pan), rm (i'm convinced he has a longterm bf) and yoongi(bi but more into women). +

++ as for jk's behaviour towards tae , it honestly seems very platonic , like childhood besties who are getting closer again platonic : having an awkward phase and working it out , having a drink once in a while and talking about life , going out with friends together ,complimenting him ect ... i don't get why many jikookers are insecure about it ? shouldn't you be happy that jk's getting closer to one of his friends again ? i felt so sad for tkk in 2019 like at some points i literally thought+

they hated eachother. it was so painfully awkward between them and while some of the awkwardness is stil here ( it's mistaken as tension by shippers ),they finally seem like actual carefree friends again. isn't that smth to be celebrated ? for jikook,i don't get how anyone in the fandom that watches the content sees them as platonic, i have seen many platonic queer friends and they are far from that. you can literally see it just from how they talk to eachother, no need for big moments.

--

Yeah well sometimes people can't see something because someone is not telling the entire truth. Taehyung is an idol and there's tons of marketability in idols who don't seem interested in women, it's the reason they shouldnt' openly date and on top of that, kpop uses gay culture (they use black culture too) and idols consciously do "gay" things because somehow there's marketability in that too. So it's like not only male idols can't date women but they also should appear to be interested in the same sex.

I think Namjoon is straight too. I haven't seen anything from Jin, Hoseok, Taehyung and Namjoon that to me says they're interested in men. Jimin, Jungkook and Yoongi are the only ones I've always read as possibly lgbtq. And I'm not even that sure about Yoongi.

I never felt anything for taekook, like it's really impossible for me to say that I felt bad about them or that I'm happy they're okay because they have just never moved me in any way. I know what the reality is, and I know that they're great now I was actually one of the first people who's been saying that for months and months. Someone even called me delusional and told me to go back to my fantasy or something like that because I said they're totally comfortable with each other (I'm still waiting for the apology I deserve from that person). So I'm not happy or sad or insecure. It's just is. My feelings (or lack of, in this case) have never really blinded me to who they are. I am a bit annoyed maybe.

I think jikookers might be insecure because this taekook is something relatively new. And because as long as there's taekook, there's no jikook. It's honestly just the same thing I said about why taekookers feel threatened by jikook, but with taekook. Also many might not realize this but Jungkook is in the middle. So it's always gonna come down to "who does jungkook love more" "who does Jungkook look the happiest with". I don't really participate in those fights precisely because of that... in the end both sides are trying to prove something about Jungkook. And it's so stupid. It's useless. I don't need to be proving anything for anyone.

On the other hand, Jimin was the one who was always posting about him and Jungkook and a couple of years ago Jimin changed his social media activity and he stopped posting pictures of other members, since mid-late 2019 he just posts photos of himself except for birthdays. Which, good for him, I was honestly happy to see that because he got hate even for posting for people's bdays. I know tho that everyone is missing that. And now that it's Taehyung posting about Jungkook a lot of the time, then it's like it's worse, I mean it really accentuates the "lack" of jmjk online. I already saw a few jikookers saying how they hope Jimin will post a picture with Jungkook now and I'm like... what? And we're back to Jungkook being in the middle.

It's okay, I get it. I don't see their relationship as platonic either but I don't think anyone is obligated to see it as romantic either. It's okay for me if someone thinks jikook are just friends. I haven't always thought that they're dating, in fact I only started seeing them as romantic in 2019 and I had already been a fan for two years before that. Everybody has a different idea of what romantic love is and it's just... I really get it too if they see romantic love in taekook and not in jikook. Taekook have great moments too that if you ignore their relationship with other people and only focus on them, it's really easy to see romance there.