#can we talk about this kids trauma for like 5 seconds jeez!

[fatherforgivethem]

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Jupiter was supposed to be a star.

It failed.

.

.

.

.

Jupiter turned into something bigger,

But not something brighter.

[parcoeurs]

Extremely fascinated by your wag AU tag 👀.

thanks bestie so am i.

okay lmao so this isn't an actual fic that'll ever be written but. i was talking to my friend about it who still hasn't finished dts season 3 unfortunately but it means that i've switched around ages and years etc. i promise this has the potential to be a fun and sexy time but there's just s o much background shit that needs to be discussed. tw for mentions of irl deaths etc:

but pierre & charles meeting when they're 5-6 (which is what i think charles actually says irl but someone said it might've been closer to when they were 10-11? regardless.) and charles' dad passes away when they're 9-10, and jules when they're 13-14 and charles quits racing then. (fyi i know that irl jules passed away first)

he thinks about quitting when his dad passes away but keeps going with help from jules. so when the accident etc happens, it's not even like an active decision he ponders. he just knows there's no way he'll race again.

and pierre's been with him throughout everything, his best friend who he can talk to when he can't bear looking at his own family. so he doesn't understand when pierre tells him he's going to keep racing. when charles had told him he was never going to get into a kart ever again, pierre had nodded, grabbed his hand and squeezed it tight. important to note that they're barely teenagers rn so yes charles feels betrayed that pierre isn't feeling the same things he is and isn't choosing the same future for himself etc.

they have a huge fight, lots of crying, lots of dramatic teenage angst. but it ultimately ends with charles shutting pierre out of his life. which is easier said than done when it's your best friend whose family is super close with yours. but it works because pierre is off racing around the world and charles has done all he can to never have to think about that stuff.

so charles goes to school, is doing uni somewhere in europe. studies something generic like business or maybe if i'm feeling suuuuper indulgent i will have him major in environmental studies like moi <3 pointedly does not come to monaco during grand prix weekend or the week before or the week after.

and then anthoine passes away too. (they're 20-21 now)

they see each other again at the funeral but don't talk, they meet up afterwards. pierre breaking down in charles' arms, clutching at his back, telling him he was right. pierre should've quit, he can't do this anymore either. they haven't said a word to each other in 7 years but charles still knows pierre, and knows that this isn't actually what pierre wants. or what he should do. (charles vaguely knows pierre's in f1 but doesn't know he's with redbull, doesn't know redbull's the top team etc)

"you can still do this, you will," charles tells him.

"not without you again."

so then comes the challenge of mending their relationship while still working through the shared trauma, and the Layers of past trauma. and also just the general awkwardness that comes with a friendship breakup/makeup situation you know! they can't just act like nothing happened but would it be easier that way?

they start texting first, then they play fifa or cod together. (sometimes pierre's british friend lewis joins too.)

slowly slowly slowly, they become friends again and then inseparable too. maybe even closer than they were before and charles only now realizes how much he missed pierre. while pierre still can't believe he has charles back now, it's as good as he let himself imagine.

the part i'm unsure about is if i would want pierre's career trajectory to be the same or not. because i think the demotion adds SUCH a painful but interesting aspect to his ~storyline. but ultimately i think maybe he just doesn't get the second seat immediately. spends more years with toro rosso/alpha tauri before getting "called up" (sorry i have no idea what the proper terminology is haha ignore the nba/nhl terms).

he invites charles to his first race in the red bull and charles says no. immediately. pierre's quiet on the other side of the phone, internally thinking he messed this up somehow. he thought things were going well and he takes this as charles doesn't want to see him. but he knows there's a lot more that's stopping charles and he also knows charles will definitely pull back if pierre asks about the other stuff. so he moves right along, asking charles about school, the weather, and tries not to let it show in his voice that he misses his best friend and needs him too.

"i'm going to try to watch," charles says, after pierre's yawned goodnight through the phone and is waiting for him to hang up. because you know pierre's not going to hang up first.

"what?"

"the race. i'm going to try. goodnight!" mentally charles slams the phone shut but really he just smashes at the red button before shoving it under his bed and looking at his hands trying to get answers for what he just did.

his only relief is that he didn't promise pierre he would watch, just that he would try. couldn't even choke out a, "good luck." (insert long paragraph about charles letting pierre down or thinking he has).

he only watches qualifying. pierre p3. already knows on saturday that there's no way he can watch the actual race.

but on sunday when he's supposed to be going over his notes for his climate change science & policy course (yes.... i did it...) he finds himself with his heart in his mouth refreshing formula1 dot com. watches the random names move up and down while keeping his eyes on 10 - gasly. (starts shaking for a second when he sees pierre's name drop until the IN PIT sign comes up across his name. fellas the thing about triggers is-- anyways.)

the scariest part is that by the time he's scrolled through all of red bull's socials to look at pictures of pierre on the podium (he finished p2 sorry i know this truly does not matter), he's forgotten about the race. the anxiety sits small in the back of his throat, his happiness for pierre is bright and loud in front of him. charles sends him a message, asking him to call whenever he can and adds a blue & red heart emoji which feels like a Big Step. but basically pierre calls and acts like nothing has happened since the last time they talked. mentions the breakfast he had in detail as if he didn’t get a podium in his first race with red bull. finally with a big team. but charles embarrassingly realizes that maybe his text didn't exactly imply in literally any way whatsoever that he knows the results of the race and was trying to congratulate pierre with this call. charles probably feels so embarrassed at this point but somehow still can't manage to say anything about the race until the next day maybe.

maybe texts pierre, good job. or, you were great. or something about him and not the race. or maybe reposts a picture from red bull but not one of pierre in his car, pointedly. only one of him on the podium. and pierre probably reposts it with the squid emoji and/or my favourite sentence in the world, merci petit calamaro.

charles cries when he reads it.

not to be lazy now but [insert 10k words of them building their friendship. meeting up in monaco with both of their families. meeting in milan or london or paris idk where pierre would live. but he flies charles out. not on a private jet because charles flat out refused lol. not because he's an environmentally conscious king he's just too, embarrassed? overwhelmed? by pierre doing Things Like That for him. even though he wants it lol. like when he graduates he's soooo annoyed that pierre couldn't come celebrate immediately because it was race week. but when he comes home his apartment is filled with flowers (roses, his favourite) and balloons and a giant teddy bear as tall as charles. and he DOES post 12 instagram stories to go with the other 30 from his other friends congratulating him. so yeah charles goes through a lot of personal growth and therapy. to the point where he's watching pierre race again, and waiting for him to invite him to a race again!!! do not even think about actual dates i'm fucking begging you but the one he goes to is monza :))))]

ultimately charles' path to understand/accepting/moving on from, his trauma, happens once he has pierre back in his life. it's also encouraged by pierre, but it's also not entirely because of him. not sure how to word that but yeah. these things are happening at the same time but charles still has to go through them by himself.

pierre takes him on romantic dates all around the world and charles doesn't realize that's what they are. fully in his bestie vibes only mood while pining for pierre in a way he doesn't even quite understand. almost a self deprecating, jeez whoever gets to date pierre is going to be so lucky :/

fanpage on ig: met pierre's alleged bf he's so pretty and sweet, i complimented his shoes and he was so nice. charles reading that: i didnt know he was dating someone :( why wouldn't he tell me :( well at least someone complimented my shoes today :(

pierre doesn't necessarily think they're dating, but he does know charles doesn't quite realize what they're doing so he's just waiting for him to come to terms with it.

not to give this au 10 different subplots but yeah that miscommunication plot becomes our prize for surviving through the first part of this.

but yeah at the last race of the year, that pierre wins because i said so? charles finds him before he goes on to the podium, kisses his helmet. says i love you, i'm so proud of you.

THEN, finally, charles does become pierre's wag. we made it kids. we did it joe.

[myonechicagoworld]

CHICAGO FIRE - MON AMOUR (S01E02)

Heather Darden: Okay, guys, let’s get you whatever you want, 

                             okay?

Kelly Severide: Heather.

Darden Boys: Hi Kelly!

Kelly Severide: Hey! Hey! Hey, guys. 

Heather Darden: [nervous laugh] Okay, okay, kids, let’s go in 

                             [nervous laugh].

Kelly Severide: Hey, how are you doing?

Heather Darden: I’m good, Kelly. I gotta go in.

Kelly Severide: Uh…H-H-Hey…Wait, I’ve…been meaning to come 

                           by and…

Heather Darden: Just save it, really.

Kelly Severide: Come on. Andy and I were…

Heather Darden: Stop…right there. Andy never even would have 

                             been a firefighter if it weren’t for you.

                                            [somber music]

                                   [siren wailing in the distance]

                                               cutscene

                                            [siren wailing]

Landlady: Didn’t I tell you, don’t plug nothing in? Look at this! 

                                        [indistinct chatter]

Landlady: You know what time it is?

                  But you want to play, Mr. Flamethrower, huh? What y’all 

                  lookin’ at?  

                  You better pray for him.

                                     [firetruck door shut]

Landlady: You know what, you in a world of trouble now.

Matt Casey: Smells like a grease fire.

Jose Vargas: We’ll bring the ANSULS. 

Matt Casey: Up on the roof, ready to vent, just in case.

Firefighter: Okay.

Otis Zvonecek: Ma’am.

Landlady: Kinda thick, ain’t you? 

                  Let ‘em in, idiot!

                                       [indistinct chatter]

                                    [door handle jiggling]

                                     [door kicked open]

Matt Casey: Sir, you gotta move out of here.

Joe Cruz: That’s it?

Matt Casey: Hit it!

Otis Zvonecek: Anything to piss off the engine.

                                 [fire extinguisher spraying]

Matt Casey: Come on, buddy, you gotta go.

Tenant: I can’t.

Matt Casey: I’m not asking.

Tenant: My hot plate caught on fire. My landlord will kill me. I got no 

              place to go. I can’t go! I can’t! I can’t! [pants]

                                             cutscene

Tenant: [coughs]

Matt Casey: Ma’am, is this your place?

Landlady: You damn right it is.

Matt Casey: That your microwave down in the basement?

Landlady: Oh, what of it?

Matt Casey: Frayed electric cord that started this. Place would’ve 

                      burned to the ground if not for this man. He’s a hero.

Otis Zvonecek: Sir, I just want to say, never seen a civilian act so 

                           bravely.

Landlady: Get over here. I was so worried about you.

Firefighter: Yo fool, that’s not what we taught you!

Kelly Severide: Hey! Candidate! One hand on the beam, candidate! 

                          I don’t care if you’re carrying a damn cow! Men die 

                          when they relax.

Matt Casey: Okay, Kelly. He gets it.

Kelly Severide: Yeah, he better.

Matt Casey: He’s right. One hand on the beam no matter what.

Peter Mills: Yeah, okay.

Gabby Dawson: Next Wednesday, can you…can you do my shift 

                            for me?

Leslie Shay: Yeah.

Gabby Dawson: I have a thing.

Leslie Shay: Yeah, that should be fine.

Gabby Dawson: Oh. Right. Right.

Kelly Severide: Hey.

Leslie Shay: Hey. 

Kelly Severide: I need something.

Leslie Shay: [sighs]

                     It’s the last one.

Kelly Severide: Yeah.

Leslie Shay: I mean it.

Kelly Severide: Right, it’s all good.

                                                 - Title Screen -

Otis Zvonecek: What’s with the goat?

Joe Cruz: What?

Otis Zvonecek: The Truck 81 seal, or symbol, or w-whatever it’s 

                            called, it’s a goat.

Joe Cruz: It’s a fighting goat.

Otis Zvonecek: Yeah, t-they’ve got Cerberus, the three-headed  

                           dog that guards the gates of hell. We got a 

                           friggin’ goat.

Kelly Severide: Morning.

Matt Casey: Morning.

Kelly Severide: Hey. How are the Darden kids doing? You talked to 

                          Heather at all?

Matt Casey: Uh, yeah. As good as can be expected, I suppose.  

                     You seem ‘em?

Kelly Severide: Yeah.

Matt Casey: I hear they’re coming to the barbecue.

Kelly Severide: Good.

Matt Casey: Yeah.

                                                 cutscene

                                      [knocks on doorframe]

Kelly Severide: Hey, Chief, you got a second?

Chief Boden: Sure, Kelly.

Kelly Severide: Looking for a few extra shifts this month. How’s 

                          Saturday sound?

Chief Boden: Saturday’s barbecue.

Kelly Severide: I’ve been there before.

Chief Boden: No way. Every man on deck on this one.

Kelly Severide: Chief, I could really use the cash…

Chief Boden: Ask me next month.

Kelly Severide: Okay.

                                                 cutscene

Otis Zvonecek: Hey, hey, check it out [laughs].

Joe Cruz: Oh, yeah! Best benefit all year, boys!

Jose Vargas: He’s not lying.

Mouch: We’re there when you feed us.

Joe Cruz: Hey, you know about fire fans, Peter Mills? 

Otis Zvonecek: They’re chicks who follow firemen like flies to 

                           honey.

Joe Cruz: Bees, Otis. ‘Bees to honey.’

Otis Zvonecek: Whatever, we’re still the honey.

                           Hey Lieutenant, why do we have a goat on our 

                           truck?

Matt Casey: Years ago, Truck 81’s first fire was at a goat farm in 

                      Little Italy.

Otis Zvonecek: Really?

Matt Casey: Mmhmm.

Mouch: Nah, they used to have a goat at the station, so they didn’t 

              have to mow the grass.

Otis Zvonecek: Huh. I thought that’s what candidates are for.

Joe Cruz: [snickers]

                                             [PA buzzes]

(Over PA): Smoke-eater in the house.

Otis Zvonecek: Oh, no way.

Joe Cruz: [claps]

Squad Table: [loud cheers]

Christopher Herrmann: Hey!

                                [loud cheering and clapping]

                                   [ambulance door shuts]

All: Welcome back.

Otis Zvonecek: Jeez, man.

Christopher Herrmann: They ticked a nerve in my leg. I may not 

                                         walk straight again.

Jose Vargas: Candidate, get him a chair!

                                   [chair rolling across floor]

Christopher Herrmann: Thanks, kid.

                                         Ah, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a 

                                         second fellas, are any of my kids around 

                                         here? My wife or her parents?

Otis Zvonecek: No, why?

Christopher Herrmann: What the hell? I’m healed! Ah! [cheering]  

                                         I’m healed! It must have been living with  

                                         my damn in-laws that was breaking me 

                                         down!

                                         Ah! All right, I’m not that healed.

Matt Casey: You ready to get back?

Christopher Herrmann: Yeah.

Chief Boden: Glad you’re back, Herrmann. We’re a better house  

                       with you here.

Christopher Herrmann: Thanks, Chief. 

Chief Boden: Uh, later we’re going to have a white board session 

                       about what happened in the Darden incident last  

                       month. I expect you all to be there. But on another  

                       note this is Nicki Rutkowski.

Hadley: Hello…

Chief Boden: She’s going to be working with us next month,  

                       helping out with the payroll. Her father is one  

                       of my oldest friends. We were in the Navy together,  

                       so y’all just treat her like she’s your very own…sister.

Nicki Rutkowski: Thanks for having me.

Christopher Herrmann: Welcome. Don’t screw up the checks – the 

                                         first and 15th.

Nicki Rutkowski: Oh, I will. 

                                                 [laughing]

                                               [PA buzzes]

(Over PA): Accident, multiple injuries. 

Firefighter: Let’s go!

(Over PA): Squad 3, Truck 81, Engine 51, Ambulance 61.

                                    [engine revs, sirens blaring]

                                              [horns honking]

                                              [sirens shut off]

                                            [indistinct chatter]

Kelly Severide: What’s going on?

Workman 1: The foundation collapsed, and there’s three guys  

                      down in the basement hole.

Chief Boden: I’m gonna need a 2 ½ up there.

Firefighter: On it.

Kelly Severide: Let’s go.

Workman 1: It’s over here. They’re down there.

Chief Boden: Okay.

Workman 1: The whole floor collapsed. We were pouring concrete 

                      for the second and third stories and the foundation  

                      just gave way.

Chief Boden: (into radio) There’s no fire, but let’s drop the 2 ½ into 

                        the hole…from the ladder.

                       (over radio) Cruz, hurry it up!

                                          [machine revving]

Chief Boden: (over radio) Get that hose up here.

                       (into radio) There’s good. 

                       (over radio) This area may give some more so let’s 

                       move quickly.

                       (into radio) Now charge it.

                       Okay. 

                      (over radio) Okay.

Otis Zvonecek: He’s pretty banged up, but okay. I don’t think we 

                           should move him.

Matt Casey: Dawson, you down there?

Gabby Dawson: Go for Dawson.

Matt Casey: We need you up here.

Gabby Dawson: Come on. 

                                          [chatter over radio]

Chief Boden: (over radio) Shay and Dawson are on their way down.

Gabby Dawson: Oh, that’s a first.

Workman 2/Victim 1: I’m under here! I’m under here!

Matt Casey: You okay?

Workman 2/Victim 1: [grunts]

Matt Casey: Can you sit up?

Workman 2/Victim 1: Yeah. Peter’s farther down. I heard him 

                                     talking, but I couldn’t see him!

Matt Casey: Here, take him out.

                     Peter?

Peter: I knew this was gonna be a bad day. Told my wife 

            this morning I had a premonition.

Matt Casey: Are you hurt?

Peter: I can’t breathe. Can’t move.

Matt Casey: Alright, we’ll get you out.

                     I need three pike poles and a saw!

Firefighter: Right away, Lieutenant!

                                     [indistinct chatter]

Firefighter: Ready to bring him up.

Workman 3/Victim 2: [groans and grunts]

Firefighter: Alright. Watch the wood.

Matt Casey: How you doing down there, Peter?

Peter: I’ve been better.

Kelly Severide: I’m going in.

Matt Casey: It’s unstable.

Kelly Severide: Aren’t we all?

Matt Casey: (into radio) Let’s widen the hole but get ready to pull 

                      back if this debris shifts.

Firefighter: (over radio) Message received.

Peter: Not so bad, right?

Kelly Severide: It’s Peter, right? 

                          Can you move your foot?

Peter: No, I haven’t even felt it for half an hour.

Kelly Severide: [grunts]

                           How about the rest of you?

Peter: Can’t breathe too good.

           [groans and winces]

Kelly Severide: Okay, okay.

Peter: Just…just get my foot out, I’ll be fine.

Kelly Severide: Alright, we’re gonna get you out of here.

Peter: Do me one favour.

Kelly Severide: Uh, yeah? [pants]

Peter: No lies [gasps]

Kelly Severide: Fair enough, I think you’re bleeding on the inside. 

                          Your foot is the least of your problems.

                          Casey! We need this hole opened up!

Matt Casey: On it. Go, Cruz. 

                                              [saw buzzing]

Kelly Severide: Hang on, we’ll get you back to your wife in no time.

Peter: Yeah, sure. 

Kelly Severide: You saying I got a bad poker face?

Peter: I’m saying I’d be all-in on that one. 

Kelly Severide: Well, you’re breathing and talking, so that’s good.

                              [structure rumbling and crumbling]

Matt Casey: Hold on!

                                          [indistinct chatter]

Matt Casey: Severide?

Kelly Severide: Yeah, fine! Get Dawson over here!

Matt Casey: Dawson!

Gabby Dawson: Here.

Kelly Severide: His lower leg is trapped. There’s internal bleeding.

Gabby Dawson: There’s no way to release it?

Kelly Severide: No.

Peter: Other than that, everything’s peachy.

Gabby Dawson: Alright, I’ll call for a trauma surgeon.

Kelly Severide: Hey, how long?

Gabby Dawson: I don’t know.

Peter: And what would a trauma surgeon do that you couldn’t? 

Kelly Severide: Take off your foot.

Gabby Dawson: This is Ambulance 61 on Med Channel 5.

Channel 5: Go ambulance 61.

Gabby Dawson: We need a trauma surgeon for a possible 

                            amputation. 

Firefighter: Easy, easy.

Workman 2/Victim 1: [groans]

Channel 5: Copy that, 61. Stand by while I shift to trauma. 

                                        [indistinct chatter]

Firefighter: Okay, pull him up.

Firefighter: Got him.

Peter: What’s your name?

Kelly Severide: Severide, Kelly. Everyone pretty much calls me 

                          Severide.

Peter: Kelly. You married, Kelly? 

Kelly Severide: No.

Peter: Don’t wait too long. My wife’s name is Georgie. Her dad 

           wanted a boy, but he kept getting girls. 

Kelly Severide: [chuckles] There was a barbershop on my street 

                          named Harris and Sons. Mr. Harris named it when 

                          his wife was pregnant with their first; ended up 

                          having five girls [laughs]

Peter: [chuckle turns into a coughing fit]

Kelly Severide: Alright, easy.

                                           [indistinct chatter]

Leslie Shay: Severide, find a vein and get this saline into him.

Kelly Severide: How long on the surgeon?

Leslie Shay: 15 minutes.

Peter: Kelly? 

Kelly Severide: Yeah?

Peter: We don’t have time for a surgeon. You’re gonna have to do  

           it. Take off the foot [pants]. Get me out of here, get me home. 

Kelly Severide: Tell that surgeon to hurry the hell up! 

Gabby Dawson: (into radio) Chopper him here if you have to!

Channel 5: Negative, 61. Your trauma surgeon’s already enroute. 

                         [structure rumbling and crumbling]

Kelly Severide: You alright?

Peter: [coughs]

Matt Casey: Severide, we need to pull back. It’s gonna give.

Peter: He’s right. Go.

Kelly Severide: Casey, I need a Sawzall!

Matt Casey: Mills, lower me a Sawzall.

Peter: Uh…[whimpers]

Kelly Severide: Hey, Peter.

Peter: Yeah, I’m st…still with you, Kelly. 

Kelly Severide: Tell me about Georgie.

Peter: [chuckles] I…I married above my head. 

Kelly Severide: [small chuckle]

Peter: Been playing catch-up ever since. 

Kelly Severide: Do you have any children.

Peter: No, w-we tried.

Matt Casey: Severide

Peter: [coughs]

                                           [saw whirrs]

Peter: Kelly? 

Kelly Severide: Yeah?

Peter: [breathing heavily] You got a phone?

                                           [siren wailing]

(Over Radio): 61, your trauma surgeon’s on scene. 

Leslie Shay: Dawson, here’s here!

Gabby Dawson: Trauma surgeon’s on his way down.

Kelly Severide: It’s a recovery now.

                                          [somber music]

                                               cutscene

                                     [firetruck door shuts]

Christopher Herrmann: Dawson, Shay! Get over here. We got 

                                        something for you.

                                        Come on, let’s go. Bring it out, open it up 

                                        [humming]

Leslie Shay: Ohhh.

                     Wow! 

Christopher Herrmann: Hey!

                                         [awing and cooing]

Christopher Herrmann: They obviously got their artistic talent from

                                         their mother.

Leslie Shay: That’s so lovely!

Christopher Herrmann: Hey, you guys, these are the ladies that 

                                        saved my life.

                                        Come on, give ‘em a clap.

                                                [clapping]

Christopher Herrmann: Yeah, yeah!

                                               [cheering]

Leslie Shay: Thank you, guys!

                      Thank you.

                                      [clapping continues]

Christopher Herrmann: There you go.

                                               cutscene

Otis Zvonecek: All I’m just saying is, I’m more than happy to  

                          design a new seal more reflective of the truck   

                          we are. Anything besides a goat.

Christopher Herrmann: What’s he on about?

Matt Casey: He doesn’t like our crest.

Christopher Herrmann: I love that goat. That goat’s all about  

                                        reversing the curse.

Peter Mills: What curse?

Christopher Herrmann: The cubs. A goat owner cursed ‘em once,  

                                        which is why they always suck. Everyone 

                                        knows that.

Otis Zvonecek: So we have a cursed crest?

Christopher Herrmann: How the hell should I know? Leave it 

                                        alone. The goat rocks!

Otis Zvonecek: Of course you would think that.

                                            [phone ringing]

Phone Operator: Please leave a message after the tone…[beep]

Kelly Severide: Uh…[sighs]

Chief Boden: Okay. They’re good guys. 

                       Kelly. 

                       After you.

District Chief Walker: Darden was entering the attic window here,  

                                     while squad 3 was conducting first floor   

                                     search rescue here. Fire started in the   

                                     basement, spread up into the kitchen. Now,   

                                     we all know fire is in a constant hunt for   

                                     oxygen. It’s why we cut our vent point away   

                                     from our entry point. No vent, and the fire’s  

                                     comin’ after us. What started in the  

                                     basement, now is looking for a way out. 

                                                        [flashback]

District Chief Walker: A larger vent cut in the back of the house,  

                                     and the fire  would have made it upstairs.

Chief Boden: Kelly.

                                                     cutscene

                                       [indistinct chatter over radio]

Otis Zvonecek: Oh, candidate, dress blues to the barbecue.

Peter Mills: Really?

Joe Cruz: The commissioner’s gonna be there, along with half the  

                  deputies and most of the chiefs. It’s a big deal.

Otis Zvonecek: Yeah, they cracked Herrmann last year for 

                            forgetting his cap.

Joe Cruz: Go back and read the poster. Full dress blues. 

                                                     cutscene

                               [car drives by and comes to a stop]

Hallie Thomas: Double crown moulding? No expense spared on 

                          that.

Matt Casey: Yeah, well, it’s getting there.

Hallie Thomas: You’re never gonna want to leave.

Matt Casey: All depends on what the offer is.

                     So what’s up? 

Hallie Thomson: I said I would bring a dessert to the barbecue. I  

                             understand if you don’t want me to go.

Matt Casey: No, you should come. We should go together.

Hallie Thomson: You sure?

Matt Casey: Yeah. Heather Darden’s bringing the boys. 

Hallie Thomson: Well, good. This will be fun.

Matt Casey: I’ll pick you up at 2.

Hallie Thomas: Okay. 

                                            [engine drives off]

                                                  cutscene

Leslie Shay: There’s Willie, our favourite doorman!

                      Willie!

Doorman (Willie): Hey ladies!

Gabby Dawson: Willie! Hey!

Leslie Shay: Ah. I should flash him next time. Love that guy.

Gabby Dawson: Unprofessional.

(Over radio): Ambulance 61, battery, 71 West Superior.

Leslie Shay: (into radio) Ambulance 61, responding.

                                          [sirens blaring]

Leslie Shay: Alright, alright, give us some room. Give us some 

                     room. Come on.

                                       [indistinct chatter]

Drunk Man: I just…I’ll sue everyone. [indistinct ramblings] You go  

                     home. Just back. Go back to wherever you…

Leslie Shay: Uh, huh.

Drunk Man: [slurs]…wherever you came from. I’m not…

Gabby Dawson: You got a nasty cut there.

Drunk Man: Eh, get your hands off me!

Gabby Dawson: Hey, we’re with the CFD, sir, here to fix you up.

Drunk Man: Fix me up? No! No, it’s these Irish inbreeds you   

                     should be fixing up. I’ve got four brothers, and 

                     they’re both…

Leslie Shay: Ugh!

Drunk Man: They’re…both of them are gonna…they’re gonna own 

                     this place.

Leslie Shay: Hey, what happened here? 

Bartender: No one here saw anything.

Drunk Man: It’s called a black and tan!

Bartender: It’s called a half and half, you moron!

Drunk Man: Ireland sucks! 

                     [singing] God save our gracious queen. Long live our 

                     n…

Someone from crowd: Oh shut up, you tosser!

                          [indistinct shouting and glass smashing]

Gabby Dawson: Let’s…let’s move him now, alright?

                             Alright, come on.

Drunk Man: [singing] God save the queen.

Gabby Dawson: Yup, we’re going. Let’s go.

Someone from crowd: Shut your mouth!

Bartender: Piss off!

Leslie Shay: Let’s go! Move over!

Gabby Dawson: Move. Move, guys.

Bartender: Don’t come back!

Someone from crowd: Piss off!

Someone from crowd: Get out of here.

                                       [siren wailing]

Leslie Shay: Oh come on!

Gabby Dawson: Come on!

Drunk Man: Alright, okay, I’m…

Patrol Officer 1: We got this.

Leslie Shay: Thank God. Have fun in there.

Drunk Man: [singing] O Lord our God…

Gabby Dawson: You gotta give it a rest and hold still, sir!

Drunk Man: Black and tan. Black and tan. Black and tan. Bl…

                     Hello, sweet cheeks.

Gabby Dawson: [yelps] Hey! Get your hands off me!

Leslie Shay: Whoa! Whoa! 

Drunk Man: [snores]

Leslie Shay: So you’re gonna bring that doctor to the barbecue?

Gabby Dawson: Uh, I don’t know.

Leslie Shay: Honestly, not every decision has to be an act of  

                     congress. Just keep it simple.

Gabby Dawson: Yeah.

Leslie Shay: Oh, did you hear about Hallie and Casey?

Gabby Dawson: What? What?

Leslie Shay: Whoa!

Gabby Dawson: Stop it. Tell me. What is it?

Leslie Shay: Nothing, just some rumours running around that, uh, 

                      that maybe they’re splitting up. He’s moved out.

Gabby Dawson: What? No, really?

Leslie Shay: It’s just what I’ve heard.

                      Okay, what do you think?

Gabby Dawson: Nice work.

                                            [giggling]

                                            cutscene

                                            [giggling]

Nurse: Wow [snorts], where’d you find this one?

Drunk Man: [snores]

Leslie Shay: Dawson was actually making out with him and, uh, he  

                     fainted and bumped his head.

Gabby Dawson: When he wakes up, tell him I said thanks for a 

                            great time.

Nurse: Uh, huh. Alright.

Hallie Thomas: Ladies.

Leslie Shay: Speak for yourself.

Gabby Dawson: Hey, Hallie.

Hallie Thomas: You guys going to the barbecue?

Leslie Shay: Wouldn’t miss it.

Hallie Thomas: Matt and I are bringing his aunt’s famous   

                           brownies. At least she always tells me 

                           they’re famous. I will see you there.

Gabby Dawson: Nice intel. 

                            Thanks.

Leslie Shay: Sorry.

Dr. Mike: Gabby.

Gabby Dawson: Mike, hi.

Dr. Mike: Hey.

Gabby Dawson: Hi.

Dr. Mike: How are you?

Gabby Dawson: I’m…good. 

Dr. Mike: Yeah?

Gabby Dawson: Good. 

Dr. Mike: Good.

Gabby Dawson: Hey, uh, say, what are you doing on Saturday?

                                                Cutscene

                                                 [music]

Christopher Herrmann: Hey! Lee Henry! I’m not gonna tell you  

                                        again! Put the stick down before I beat 

                                        you with it!

Vargas, Cruz & Otis: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What was that?

Jose Vargas: Take it easy.

Christopher Herrmann: You gotta be fair but firm.

Joe Cruz: [chuckles]

Jose Vargas: Okay. 

Christopher Herrmann: Yeah!

Otis, Cruz, Mouch, Vargas, Herrmann: Hoh, oh. Oh, ho, hoh! 

                                                                 [clapping] Yes! 

Jose Vargas: Nice!

                                                [cheering]

Joe Cruz: Fabulous!

Peter Mills: Howdy.

Otis Zvonecek: When’s the parade, candidate?

Peter Mills: Ha ha, that’s a good one. Good one, Otis.

Joe Cruz: Hey! You, uh, taking collections for the salvation army?

                                               [laughing]

Christopher Herrmann: Got ice cream?

Peter Mills: That’s original. That’s really good.

Brunette: Excuse me, are you the captain?

Otis Zvonecek: Well, no, miss. He’s actually the commissioner.

Peter Mills: No, no, no, no I’m not.

Brunette: Really?

Otis Zvonecek: No, Yeah, yeah he is. He’s the youngest one in 

                           Chicago history.

Brunette: Wow.

Otis Zvonecek: Go show her where the beer cooler is, 

                          commissioner.

Brunette: I’d like that.

Peter Mills: Alright.

                    Right this way.

Christopher Herrmann: Wow.

Otis Zvonecek: What?

Joe Cruz: So you’re his wingman now?

Otis Zvonecek: Karma.

Hadley: [laughing] He’s sitting there [laughing]…with a napkin on   

              his face sticking his tongue through it, and I’m like,  

              “dude, you are my favourite 12-year-old.”

                                          [laughing]

Capp: Who would do that?

Hadley: What’s up with you?

Kelly Severide: Nothing. All good.

Otis Zvonecek: [sighs] [whistles]

Christopher Herrmann: Oh, you and her? 

Otis Zvonecek: Mmhmm.

Christopher Herrmann: No chance.

Otis Zvonecek: Up yours.

Leslie Shay: Hey Corrinne. 

                                             [laughing]

Otis Zvonecek: [exasperated sigh]

Chief Boden: If anybody does anything, okay?

Nicki Rutkowski: You got it.

Chief Boden: Yeah? You sure?

Nicki Rutkowski: I promise.

Chief Boden: Huh, I don’t trust these guys.

                                 [children in the background]

Matt Casey: Mind if we squeeze in?

Gabby Dawson: Hmm…Of course.

Leslie Shay: Hey, guys. Um, this is Corrinne. She just moved here

                     from um... [snaps fingers] 

Corrinne: Alabama.

Matt Casey: Nice to meet you [chuckles]

Leslie Shay: I knew it.

Hallie Thomas: So, I think I saw the result of some of your work 

                          yesterday. 

Gabby Dawson: Ohh.

Dr. Mike: T-The lipstick? And the fingernails? That was you guys?

Leslie Shay: Yeah, well Dawson got her ass squeezed by a drunken 

                      Englishman [giggles]

Dr. Milk: Ooh.

Matt Casey: You gotta quit flirting with your patients.

Gabby Dawson: So we prettied him up a little.

Corrinne: So not something you learn in med school, I take it?

Leslie Shay: We’re paramedics so we don’t go to fancy med 

                      school. 

                      Although…

Hallie Thomas: What? 

Gabby Dawson: Uh, been taking some pre-med classes.

Dr. Mike: Really?

Hallie Thomas: That’s great. 

Gabby Dawson: Yeah, I mean, you know it’s a…it’s a long way off.

Hallie Thomas: Hey, any time you wanna walk a shift with me, say 

                          the word.

Gabby Dawson: That sounds great.

Hallie Thomas: Anytime.

Dr. Mike: Or with me.

Matt Casey: Hey Heather’s here, let’s go say hello.

Darden boys: Hey Matt!

Matt Casey: What’s going on? Good to see you, buddy.

Heather Darden: I just…it’s hard on Ben and Griffin. They’re afraid  

                             the kids are gonna treat ‘em differently.

Matt Casey: Come on, squirt, we’re gonna play some football.

Heather Darden: I’m gonna get a beer. 

                            [Matt murmuring excitedly with the kids]

Kelly Severide: Andy loved being a firefighter. It was our dream 

                           since we were kids.

Heather Darden: He worshipped you. You sure it wasn’t just your 

                             dream?

Nicki Rutkowski: Well, he protects Chicago and serves the beer?

Kelly Severide: For right now, sure.

Nicki Rutkowski: I’m Nicki.

                                          [bottle opening]

Nicki Rutkowski: Thanks. 

Kelly Severide: Yeah.

Nicki Rutkowski: How long you been a firefighter?

Kelly Severide: Since the day I was born.

Nicki Rutkowski: [giggles]

Kelly Severide: Look, I gotta run, Nicki.

                                          [bottles clinking]

Nicki Rutkowski: Cheers.

Gabby Dawson: That was really nice. You’re really nice. 

Matt Casey: [chuckles] 

Gabby Dawson: [chuckles]

Matt Casey: Kids are stronger than we think.

Hallie Thomas: Yeah. 

Matt Casey: So what’s up with the new doctor?

Gabby Dawson: Who? Mike? 

Matt Casey: Yeah.

Gabby Dawson: Oh. I don’t know, not much. Just keeping things 

                            simple.

                                               cutscene

                                      [knocking on door]

                      [door opens, tv playing in background]

Nicki Rutkowski: You, um, you left your jacket.

Kelly Severide: Thanks.

                           Mm…Not a good time for this.

Nicki Rutkowski: Do you always do what your chief tells you to do?

Kelly Severide: Trust me, this isn’t because of the chief.

Nicki Rutkowski: Is there somebody else in there?

Kelly Severide: Just the cubs.

Nicki Rutkowski: If you change your mind, you know where to find 

                             me.

                                               [door shuts]

                                                cutscene

Corrinne: Have a good day.

Kelly Severide: Yeah, you too.

Corrinne: Bye.

Leslie Shay: Bye, sweetie.

                                            [kissing sounds]

Leslie Shay: See you.

                      Hi.

Kelly Severide: Morning.

Leslie Shay: Did you eat my yogurt?

Kelly Severide: I didn’t touch your yogurt.

Leslie Shay: Was good seeing Heather yesterday.

Kelly Severide: Yeah, yeah it was.

                                                 cutscene

Chief Boden: So if there is nothing else…

Otis Zvonecek: Chief?

Chief Boden: Yes, Brian?

Otis Zvonecek: I was wondering what the proper protocol would 

                           be for designing a new crest for the truck.

                           It’s just, sir, Engine’s got a camel, which I get, and  

                           Squad has got a badass three-headed dog, which

                           I get, and we have a goat, sir.

Chief Boden: Named after Billy “goat” Bukanski, first chief of  

                       Firehouse 51 and a mentor to me.

Otis Zvonecek: Just forget I said anything [clears throat]

Chief Boden: That it?

Otis Zvonecek: Yes, sir.

Chief Boden: Then y’all do good work out there.

Matt Casey: That true about the crest?

Chief Boden: [scoffs]

                                                  cutscene

Kelly Severide: So if you would, please give me a call back so we  

                          could arrange a time to talk. Thanks.

Capp: You want a smoke break?

Kelly Severide: You mean you wanna bum a cigar off me?

Capp: If you’re offering.

Hadley: If you insist.

Capp: Thank you.

                                                  cutscene

Leslie Shay: How was Mike?

Gabby Dawson: [chuckles] You know when you…when you have a 

                            sundae and it’s loaded up with hot fudge, and  

                            whipped cream, and ice cream, and a cherry on 

                            top?

Leslie Shay: Yeah?

Gabby Dawson: He’s the spoon.

Leslie Shay: Hey, can’t eat without a spoon.

Gabby Dawson: [scoffs]

Leslie Shay: What’s the latest with your union file?

Gabby Dawson: Um, I don’t know. I’m ignoring it. Works for 

                            everything else.

                                                   [PA buzzes]

(Over PA): Accident, 501 North Wabash. Truck 81, Ambulance 61, 

                  Squad 3.

Leslie Shay: Can’t ignore this.

                                               [sirens wailing]

                                              [horns honking]

                                   [indistinct chatter over radio]

Man: Watch out!

                             [crashing, glass smashing to ground]

                                                  [yelling]

Matt Casey: Get everyone back and seal it off!

Mouch: Good lord.

Firefighters: Move it back. Back! Back!

                      Stuff’s falling! Move back!

                      Come on, move, move, move. Come on, come on, 

                     back guys.

                                            [car door rattling]

Girl 1: Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God.

Matt Casey: Ma’am?

Kelly Severide: Capp! Hadley! Driver’s side. Start there.

Hadley: Yeah.

Girl 1: My friend. My friend, Cameron! 

Matt Casey: Where is she?

Girl 1: She’s right next to me. I…I can’t see her. Cam!

                                           [jaws buzzing]

Kelly Severide: Get back!

                                            [car smashes]

                                               [screams]

                                           [sirens wailing]

                                          [car door shuts]

Mouch: Passenger trapped, conscious, but we had to pull back  

              because stuff’s still falling.

Capp: That driver’s door is jammed up tight.

Chief Boden: Okay, Capp, Hadley on the k-12, you cut the top  

                        hinge. Severide, you work the jaws from the bottom  

                        edge. The moment that hinge pops, you wedge that  

                        door open. Casey, Mouch, collar the girl, get her on 

                        a board. Let’s go.

                                      [k-12 and jaws sputter]

                                           [buzzing stops]

Matt Casey: Stay forward for me.

                      Uh. Yep. Go. 

                      Grab the end, Mills.

                      Lean up. Lean up [groans]

                      Come down for me.

                      Watch your head.

Chief Boden: Move her out now!

                                            [glass smashing]

                                                [screaming]

Gabby Dawson: You’re okay, sweetie. You’re fine. You’re in good 

                            hands.

Girl 1: I just dropped my phone, so we pulled over and… 

            [whimpers] Please, is Cameron okay? Is she okay? 

Gabby Dawson: I��m not sure, honey. Let’s just concentrate on you 

                            right now, okay?

Patrol Officer 2: Ma’am, please!

Lady 1: My daughter. My daughter was in that car. Is she okay?

Matt Casey: I don’t know. They’re doing what they can.

Lady 1: Her name is Julie.

Matt Casey: I really don’t know.

Lady 1: She has blonde hair.

Matt Casey: She’s okay, she’s right over there.

Lady 1: Julie! That’s my daughter!

Jose Vargas: [sighs] Good thing she didn’t say red hair.

Lady 1: It’s okay.

                                               cutscene

                                           [phone ringing]

Kelly Severide: Hello?

                          Yeah.

                          Yeah, sure. I-If that’s good for you, I’ll be there.

                          Yeah. 

                          Okay.

                                                 cutscene

Matt Casey: Hey.

Hallie Thomas: Hey.

Matt Casey: How was your shift?

Hallie Thomas: What do you always say to me? “Fine. Typical.”

Matt Casey: Uh…I’ve been thinking.

Hallie Thomas: Uh, oh.

Matt Casey: No, nothing like that.

Hallie Thomas: What is it?

Matt Casey: Today, one girl died, and another lived because one  

                      decides to drive and the other gets in the passenger 

                      seat. 

                      I moved out because we spent the last year   

                      constantly debating your career versus my 

                      expectations of a family. 

                      What if we simplify things? Start fresh? Just put it all  

                      aside. Live everyday like it could be the last. 

                      I’m saying I wanna be with you.

                                               [slow music]

                                            [gentle laughter]

                                                cutscene

                                         [background music]

Mouch: Alabama?

Corrinne: Alabama. 

Mouch: Gulf coast. The catfish regatta.

Corrinne: [gasps]

Mouch: Right?

Corrinne: Yes! 

Mouch: Take her.

Corrinne: [giggles]

Gabby Dawson: [indistinct mumbling] He’s, like, wearing this…

                            this…this cape [laughs]

                                                 [laughter]

Gabby Dawson: And he looked like a fool… [indistinct mumbling]

Peter Mills: Yo!

All: Hey!

Peter Mills: What’s up, what’s up!

Joe Cruz: There you go. One, two.

Hallie Thomas: Thank you.

Joe Cruz: Absolutely.

Hallie Thomas: Whoop!

                                        [glass clinking]

Hallie Thomas: Cheers.

All: Cheers.

Joe Cruz: Holy smokes. 

Hallie Thomas: That’s all you got? 

Joe Cruz: Another round for the lady, huh?

                                  [cheering and laughter]

Gabby Dawson: It’s great to see you guys. 

Hallie Thomas: It’s great to be here.

                          You thought about doing rounds with me? 

Gabby Dawson: Uh, a-are you sure it’s not too much trouble?

Hallie Thomas: Are you kidding? I’d love it. You’re already doing 

                          half the procedures we do.

Gabby Dawson: [chuckles] That’s doubtful.

Hallie Thomas: Hey, you’re gonna be a great doctor, trust me. You 

                          have more experience than half of these Ivy league 

                          clowns.

Gabby Dawson: [chuckles]

Matt Casey: Hey, this rounds on me.

                                         [collective cheering]

Otis Zvonecek: Put three more on.

Peter Mills: What the hell are you doing?

Otis Zvonecek: What can I say? Uniform thing works.

                                                [laughter]

Lady 2 & 3: Where are the girls though? 

Christopher Herrmann: How does that…

Peter Mills: Damn.

                    Cheers to that.

Otis Zvonecek: Bye, guys.

                                           [indistinct chatter]

Joe Cruz: Hey! Last to arrive! Perfect timing my boys! There we are.

Man: What’s up, gents?

Jose Vargas: Where’s Severide?

                                               cutscene

                                        [knocks on door]

[Video recording…]

Peter: Is the blood off? I don’t want her to see the blood.

Kelly: Yeah. Here. 

           There. You’re good.

Peter: And my hair? I should have got it cut.

Kelly: [chuckles] Your hair…your hair looks fine.

           It looks fine from here. 

Peter: Yeah [heavy breathing]

            Georgie, my love. God, I wish I were better at this.

[End of video recording...]

Georgie: Oh my God.

[Video recording…]

Peter: I made a lot of promises to you over the years. Some were  

           harder to keep [panting]. I promised you [gasping]…a house  

           in Provence. I’m sorry we never made it there. You worked   

           so hard on that French, but any promise…that I ever made   

           about you…about how you were…the final piece to my   

           puzzle, those I kept till today. Every day. I know…   

           I know what you’re thinking about Kelly here, ‘cause I   

           thought it too. He’s exactly the son that I pictured for us.     

           And if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have had this chance 

           to say goodbye. Oh my love…

[End of video recording]

Georgie: [sniffles]

[Video recording…]

Peter: Do you remember how I made you promise me that you’d 

           let me die before you? [gasping] Well, thank you, my love.  

           Because I couldn’t live a day in this world without you…

           Georgie.

[End of video recording...]

Georgie: [sniffles]

                Mon amour. 

                Thank you [sobs]

                                              [somber music]

                                                    - end -

Definitions:

ANSUL = sophisticated method of extinguishing fires.

 K-12 = Fire/Rescue saw. It can be used for forcible entry, ventilation, USAR (Urban Search and Rescue – technical rescue operation that involves the location, extrication, and initial medical stabilisation of victims trapped in an urban area, namely structural collapse due to natural disasters, mines and collapsed trenches), RIC (Rapid Intervention Crew - team of two or more firefighters dedicated solely to the search and rescue of other firefighters in distress), and vehicle extrication.

[starspatter]

Heroes and Thieves, Ch. 15

Title: Heroes and Thieves Fandom/Universe: BTAS, pre/post-RotJ flashback

Summary: A story about second chances, healing, and having hope.

Rating: PG-13, for references to character death, child psychological torture and trauma.

Genre: Romance/Family/Friendship/Hurt/Comfort

Word Count: 4,800 Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

Also on ff.net and AO3. ...I lied.  This is totally a harem story. *flees*

She held onto my coat that night, like a kid lost in her sleeves Oh we warmed the ground, we hushed our sound We slept on walking feet Oh Darlin’, pardon me Can you help me remember When we were all flying free

-Gregory Alan Isakov, “Living Proof”

————————–

After.

Barbara breathed out as she stood before the large, warehouse-like building, gazing anxiously up at its second floor (and watchful security cameras she knew were installed overhead). The reinforced structure still seemed relatively sound despite the recent disaster. The… original occupant certainly knew how to choose a hideout location and prepare for all potential outcomes. …Must've been a habit he picked up from his previous landlord.

With a wary hand, she buzzed the doorbell.

Sooner than she expected, the entry flew open to reveal an unfamiliar face: a young man with a short crop of mane spiked in the front like flames, similar in color to her own.

"Well hellooo there," he greeted with a wide grin, eyeing his guest up and down. "What can I do you for, miss?"

Barbara stared at him in surprise.

"Er, is Tim home? He… does still live here, right?"

The stranger licked his lips, resting toned muscle casually against the doorframe.

"Who cares about him? What say you and me get to know each other a bit first, as fellow redheads, hm?"

He loomed towards her, admiring her luscious saffron locks. Barbara grimaced, getting ready to give the kid a good taste of a police twist hold (if not taser) – when a voice she recognized interjected from behind.

"She's a cop, Roy. And she used to be Batgirl. I wouldn't try anything if I were you."

Tim emerged beside the other teen, regarding the two dully. Unfortunately the statement only seemed to fuel his friend's lust further.

"Hot damn. You here to arrest me, officer?" He waggled his brows. "Slap some cuffs on me and take me down to the station? I wouldn't mind that on the first date."

"Roy."

"Kidding, kidding. Jeeze, you really have no sense of humor now, do you?" He lowered his limb dejectedly. "Anyway, you didn't tell me you were acquainted with such a gorgeous babe. Ain't you gonna introduce us?"

Tim sighed.

"Roy, meet Officer Barbara Gordon, the Commissioner's daughter and former Batgirl. Babs, this is Roy Harper, a.k.a. Speedy, Green Arrow's ex-sidekick."

"Ex-partner," the other boy corrected. "And it's 'Arsenal' now."

"Whatever. Now could you please give us some privacy?"

"A'ight, I can take a hint to take a hike," Roy smirked with a suggestive wink. "I've got a 'date' myself anyway. I'll leave you two alone. Don't wait up~"

He whistled and growled as he passed by Barbara on the way out, who shot him a dirty look before resuming attention to Tim.

"I see you've been keeping company. Honestly, he's worse than the Flash." (What was it with all the male copperheads she met giving her ginger brand a bad name?)

"We know each other from the Titans," he replied in a dry tone. "He needed a place to stay after Queen kicked him out – again. Dick said it was okay."

Barbara paused.

"You talk to him recently?"

Tim shrugged as he moved aside to allow her in.

"We keep in touch. He calls every so often to check up on… things."

She studied his backside as they started heading upstairs to the loft.

"And? How are 'things'?

"Fine."

She glanced around the interior of the room as they approached the top; it looked pretty much the same as she remembered. There was the ornate wall of Asian-styled checkered windows overlooking the city, and the ninja sword rack hanging next to a decorative dragon panel (behind which she knew there was a concealed compartment that used to contain Nightwing's costume). Dick did always have a flair for the Orient.

Running her hand wistfully along the armrest to the sofa, she recalled how she and Dick used to sit and cuddle together on it, enjoying late-night Chinese takeout and talks, among… other things.

A frown settled on her face as she noticed something… "off" about the couch cushions.

"'Fine', you say. …Is that why you have 'this'?"

Tim's eyes immediately narrowed as she stretched behind the seat and unzipped the foam, removing a bag of greenish-purple powder from deep within.

"It's not mine."

He answered, a little too hasty.

"Whose is it then?"

"Roy's," he stated flatly, seeming nonchalant about selling out his flatmate.

"And you're telling me you've never used any?"

He hesitated, eyes slanting aside in silence. She scrutinized the stash, recognizing to her horror that it was likely the popular new drug that was being distributed in the streets amongst decadent youth; an isolated chemical strain similar to Joker toxin, but more mild. Not strong enough to cause permanent psychological damage (at least when taken in minor doses), but enough to mimic the euphoric high for hours on end.

"Have you been doing deals with Jokerz?"

"Like hell I would," he snapped.

She reached out to sternly grab his wrist, trying insistently to meet his eye.

"Tim. Be honest with me. Please."

He yanked his arm away, glaring fiercely in anger.

"What is this, some kind of bust? Fine, go ahead, book me. I don't care. Why don't you just charge me with murder while you're at it?"

"Tim…"

"You don't get it, Barb." He clutched at his sleeves, digging digits deep into his skin. "You don't know what it's like, living with fucking laughter inside your head all the time. At least when I'm laughing louder I can't hear him."

She swallowed, biting her lip. Gently, she set the plastic down on the table.

"I do understand," she whispered softly.

He blinked at her.

"Tim, the reason I came here, is because… Lately, I've been having these… visions." She sank down on the lounger, steepling fingers in front of her. "You remember the time Scarecrow gassed me and left me in a hallucinogenic nightmare state?"

He nodded.

"It's like that, only now, I get them when I'm awake as well, at complete random. Ever since the quake, I'll experience these abrupt panic attacks, and see all kinds of terrifying shit. Then, the flashbacks start, and there's one that's always recurring…" She closed her eyes, reflecting reluctantly. "All of a sudden I'll see myself back at Arkham, fighting against Harley. We go over the edge of the cliff, and I'm hanging on like before, and she starts to slip… Only this time, I fall with her. I – I die, just like that time in my dream."

She hunched in on herself further as she continued.

"It doesn't end there though. It keeps going, and I can still see everything else play out, like when I visualized my dad going after Bruce afterwards. I – I see him and Joker, and you – JJ – there with the gun – and – and… The shot hits Batman instead."

Her speech tapered off as she finished the sentence. Her audience was deathly quiet as she carried on in a tremulous hush.

"Then you and the Joker – he – he makes you do all these horrible things – so many deaths – including Dick's – and finally my dad's the only one left – and he has to take you both down by himself – and it ends with either him shooting you – or you shooting him – and either way everyone I love is… gone."

She looked at him, tears starring her eyes.

"I'm sorry. You probably don't want to hear any of this. I – I just had to come see you…"

"To make sure I haven't gone on an insane murder spree?"

Barbara lowered her head in apology.

"I didn't mean it like that…"

Tim exhaled, unlinking his limbs as he leaned back against the table.

"For what it's worth, I don't think I've done anything recently that would land me a spot in Arkham. …Anyway, shouldn't you go see a doctor about this or something? Or someone else who can help, like…"

The weight of unspoken word hung heavy in the air. She shook her head.

"I'm scared. What if they can't treat it, say my condition's permanent? I'm no good to the force like this, I can't function out in the field. I'll have to give up my badge, after I worked so hard to finally get here..."

Tim rolled his eyes slightly.

"Gee, I wonder what that could possibly be like?"

Contriteness crossed her countenance again.

"…Sorry. That was dumb, I shouldn't have said that. I was being selfish, only thinking of myself. I shouldn't have bothered you with this. You've got enough to deal with, you don't deserve to have my issues dumped on you as well."

Tim held up his hand.

"Look, it's okay, Babs. …Is there anything I can do?"

She lifted timidly, chewing her lip.

"I – I was just hoping maybe we could… I don't know – talk for a bit?"

Tim remained mute, mulling for a moment, before turning and walking over to the mini-fridge. Opening it, he retrieved two chilled beer cans before revolving back.

"You want a drink?"

She boosted an eyebrow, but nevertheless gratefully accepted the offering of booze.

"I'm not even going to ask how you got these."

She muttered as she popped the tab and started to chug it down.

…

A nearly emptied six-pack later, they were both more than a bit tipsy, but Barbara especially so. Turns out she wasn't very good at holding her alcohol.

"I mean, who do those jerks think they are?" she slurred as she slammed her container down. "I'm not some little girl or someone's possession. I can date whoever I damn well please."

Tim perceived her lurch lopsidedly as she groped for another, growing concerned.

"Don't you think you've had one too many?"

"I'll be the judge of that," she hicced as she swatted his hand away. Tim persisted however, prying the prize firmly from her fingertips.

"That's it. I think you've had enough."

As he stood up to put the beverage back, he simultaneously fished out his phone and began dialing with his free hand.

"I'm calling your dad to come pick you up."

He felt a pressure on his lower waist, and he looked down to see Barbara clinging to the back of his shirt, burying her flushed forehead against his spine.

"Please," she mumbled into the fabric. "Just let me stay here a little longer."

He gulped, but submissively sat back down. She warmly nestled her head against his shoulder, causing his chest to beat rapidly in confusion.

"…What the hell happened to us, Tim? How did we end up like this? The four of us, hardly even speaking to each other? Dick would never return my phone calls, and Bruce – God, Bruce – I don't even know where to begin with him."

"To be fair, he was never much of a conversationalist to begin with," Tim griped bitterly. "Besides, don't you, uh, have a new boyfriend now?"

He cleared his throat, and Barbara sighed as she sat up, hugging her knees close to her for comfort instead.

"Sam's great. He understands, but… He doesn't really 'get' it, you know? What we've been through."

She traced a rim of condensation on the counter.

"Hey, you remember that time Bruce almost married a plant-woman? That was wild."

"Yeah? What about when Farmer Brown unleashed a bunch of giant mutant insects on Gotham? That's got to be the craziest adventure we ever had."

"Please. You weren't there when Baby Doll and Killer Croc teamed up and nearly nuked the city. I mean, can you imagine those two together? You can't compete with a weirder pair than that."

It was startlingly simple, to slip so smoothly back into nostalgia. Swapping stories, trying to one-up each other's exploits. Barbara would even fondly describe some of the times she worked with the original Dynamic Duo, back during the "good ol' days" – of colorful costumed villains, wacky crimes, and ridiculous motivations. Telling increasingly tall tales and amusing anecdotes that almost made Tim laugh. …Almost.

"So let me get this straight," she repeated, "You flew the Batplane all the way to outer space… to the Justice League Watchtower… by yourself?"

"Yup," Tim responded as he sedately cracked open the last metal vessel still in his lap and took a sip.

Barbara shook her head in disbelief.

"You always were a risk-taker. I still can't believe Bruce went missing and got brainwashed… again. How come I never knew about any of this? Why didn't you contact me?"

"You were off at grad school. I figured I could handle it."

Barbara propped her elbow on the plush, leaning her cheek thoughtfully against it as she tucked her legs underneath her.

"...It's good that you went to them for help."

Tim peered down, picking absently at the paper label, peeling off aluminum.

"Mr. Kent told me afterwards, that Bruce did call him in secret. The operating room's walls were lined with lead though, since they used to take X-Rays and brain scans there. Even the curtain and that stupid apron Joker wore had lead shielding. He had hench-spies stationed everywhere, in Metropolis as well, so he could render me unconscious as soon as Superman showed up and I wouldn't be able to scream. …He really was prepared for everything."

Barbara couldn't believe it. Just how long had that disgusting sicko been planning this?

"What about the Martian? He's a telepath, isn't he?"

Tim shook his head.

"Apparently the last time he attempted a city-wide psychic sweep to look for Luthor, he wasn't able to shut it off. The flood of thoughts nearly drove him mad afterwards. Bruce didn't want to risk it."

"That still doesn't excuse-"

"What's done is done," Tim curtly cut her off, crushing the canister in his grip to transfer his own resentful rage, before tossing it in the trash. "I've accepted the damage. There's no use in going back and flinging hindsight accusations at this point."

Barbara surveyed his sullen expression in overwhelming sympathy.

"…There's one thing Joker didn't count on."

"What?"

"You fighting him off in the end. You were stronger than him. You won."

Knuckles balled on Tim's kneecap.

"That wasn't a win. We lost the moment I confessed everything to him."

"That's not true, Tim."

He shook his head.

"I killed him, Barb. I did what none of us were ever supposed to do. And the worst part is, I – I was glad about it."

She extended her palm to wrap reassuringly around his wrist.

"So? You have every right to be, after what he did to you."

Tim's fist only tautened further as he avoided her eyes, ashamed of his own ugly sin.

"You know, it's ironic – Batman got gassed by Scarecrow once too. Only instead it took away all his fear. He was seriously out of control, to the point where he wasn't even afraid to kill criminals. I had to take him down myself. I… managed to keep him from making a big mistake."

He laughed then, though it sounded hollow. His eyes had such a pained look, moreso than anything physical could've caused him. The hurt was in his heart and soul. Barbara's own heart broke to see him like this. Her brain swam, swarming with remorse. Wishing there was something she could do to help heal him, convince him that he had a good heart, one that was still worthy and capable of loving others, and of being loved in return…

…

Slowly, she inclined forward – and kissed him.

…

For a second, all Tim could register was the flavor of liquor mixed with black licorice – lush and luscious on her lips – before panicking and pushing away.

"What are you doing?"

"I… don't know."

"…I think you're making a big mistake."

Barbara bristled.

"Who says?"

From their positions, she was practically on top of him. He grasped her shoulders, keeping determinedly at bay.

"You're drunk. And probably hallucinating."

"I'm not hallucinating."

He sighed, scraping a hand through his hair.

"I'm not Dick or Bruce, you know. …I'm nobody."

"You're not nobody."

Conflict clouded his eyes.

"Look, this is all kinds of wrong. What about Sam? Besides, your dad would probably kill me…"

The whites around her blue irises widened.

"Kill you…?"

…Shit.

"Babs, no, I didn't mean-"

She slid off, seizing arms around herself, impressing into her flesh.

"He'll kill you. You'll kill him. …Everyone's going to be killed. And it's all my fault."

Shit. Shit shit shit. He should've known better.

"No one's dying. We're all still alive." (…If what they had could be called "living".) "You're just imagining it."

Her claws only clamped tighter.

"Sam… What if he comes after Sam? I'm putting him in danger. Oh God." Her pupils contracted, zoning into the distance. "Sam, don't open the door – he's got a gun!"

This was not good. He was losing her. He tried to twist her around, get her to see him instead of… of… whatever it was she was trapped by.

"Babs? Hey, hey, look at me. Look at me. Whatever you're seeing right now, it's not real. You hear me? It's not real."

She stayed stiff as a board though, staring far off into vacant space.

"Dad. Oh my God, what's he doing to Dad? He's trying to turn him crazy too. No, no, make it stop!"

Worriedly, Tim shook her shoulders.

"Babs, hey, c'mon! Snap out of it!"

Her eyes were glazed, no longer glued to one spot but rolling everywhere else. Darting frantically to and fro. Features contorted, seemingly in some kind of phantom agony.

"My legs. I can't feel my legs. He took my legs."

Nails curled around her abdomen area, clenching cloth in anguish. Scrabbling, scratching, as if searching for something.

"Babs!"

"The baby," she sobbed. "I lost the baby. I couldn't protect him. Couldn't protect… im…"

The last part was muffled by a wounded choke, but… From the way she said it, it kinda sounded like…

His name.

Helpless, Tim looked on with an aching empathy as the normally tough, take-charge woman he always knew coiled into a fetal form, crying miserably. He mused if this was how he must've often looked to the others back then. He didn't know what to do, how to help her. He felt so utterly useless.

Running over options, his mind halted at one possibility. Something that used to help him deal with nightmares as a kid, before… everything. It was probably dumb and desperate, but it was worth a shot.

"Wait here. I'll be right back."

He dashed to the bedroom, opening up the nightstand drawer and fumbling around inside. Withdrawing the object from the far back, he considered it grimly for a beat, before gritting his teeth and resolutely taking it back to where Barbara was now rocking herself.

"Babs? Hey, look: Remember this?"

She ceased instantly when she saw the Batarang suspended in front of her.

"You always felt safe whenever Batman and Robin were around, right? Nothing… bad can happen to you as long as they're there."

Sentiment welled in her ducts as she reached out tentatively for the reminder, cradling it close to her breast.

"Just in case you run into trouble up there."

"Dick… Bruce…"

Tim drew her in towards him in a compassionate embrace, soothingly stroking her quivering back as if she were the child.

"It's okay, Babs. It's okay." He reiterated the phrase in her ear. "You're okay. I'm… okay. We're okay."

They stayed like that for a while, and eventually the shudders and sniffles subsided as she seemed to fall into a fitful sleep. While she still whimpered occasionally, holding the Batarang nearer did appear to help somewhat.

Just then, he heard the opening and closing of the front door as Roy returned from his "date", bounding up the steps and stopping short upon witnessing the scene before him.

"Whoahey, am I interrupting something?"

He grinned, and Tim scowled at the guy's terrible timing.

"This isn't what it looks like. Just hurry up and help me get her to the bed."

Roy was about to open his mouth to make another snide remark, but promptly shut it upon seeing the searing look Tim speared at him, and the sweat and tears on the moaning visitor's visage. Switching into serious mode, he lent a steady hand with supporting her to the mattress. He was still a hero himself, after all, always available to aid any damsels in distress.

As he agreed to take over looking after the patient for the time being, Tim thanked him and left the bedside temporarily, pulling out his cell again as he traveled downstairs. Inhaling deeply, he began to punch in another number he knew all too well, forever engraved in the back of his skull.

After a couple rings, the other end picked up with a gruff greeting.

"…Yes?"

The cold, almost impatient lack of pleasantry was all Tim needed to confirm he had indeed reached the right person.

"Bruce, it's me. …Barbara needs help."

…

When Barbara finally awoke, the first thing she spotted was Tim sitting on a reversed chair next to her, chin reposed idly on his forearms.

"Hey."

"…Hey."

"How are you feeling?"

"Better, I guess. …How long was I out?"

"The whole night. You were tossing and turning a lot."

She elevated gradually, sensing a moist towel fall from her crown onto the sheets in the process. Had he been nursing her this whole time?

As she tracked its descent, she saw she was still adhering to the Batarang as well. She blushed a bit at how babyish she must have seemed, to have to rely on something like this to calm her down.

"Um, thanks. …You can have this back now."

He relieved her of the improvised crutch, and in exchange he handed her a small vial of medication.

"Here, take this. It's similar to what Dr. Thompkins used to give me, but more concentrated. It's not a permanent cure, but it should help with the terrors. It'll likely knock you totally out for a few more days, but you won't have to suffer nightmares during it. If it doesn't work or you're still experiencing symptoms afterwards, call her and she'll adjust the dosage."

"You got this from Leslie?"

"Bruce did."

She gaped in astonishment.

"You actually spoke to him?"

"He just told me what I needed to know, then hung up and sent Alfred over with the stuff. …Typical, huh?"

His jaw drooped a little further into folds, as did his tired-looking lids.

"You're not the first Scarecrow victim to undergo relapses like this. It's rare, but everyone responds to the fear serum differently. Yours is a more severe case."

Barbara thought about how many others had to live their lives in a compromised state (or lost them entirely) all because of some psychopath who kept breaking out of Arkham – no matter how many times they put him back in – if not released through the revolving door due to (hell, courtesy of) all the corruption in the system. How many lives were really spared, while others still suffered because of their incompetence? Inconsequence.

"You know, sometimes I wonder: If what we were doing was ever really the right thing? After what happened with the earthquake… God, I don't know. Maybe this city is beyond hope. …In the end, did we even make any difference? Was it worth it – any of it? We've saved a bunch of people, sure, but at what cost? I mean, just look at us… We're a mess."

Tim simply shrugged.

"At least Dick's still doing okay over in Blüdhaven. And Bruce seems to be handling things fine on his own. Besides, it's not like he ever really needed us anyway. Because he's Batman."

Barbara observed as Tim toyed with the Batarang in his hands, balancing the tip on the chair back. She dropped her view towards the blankets.

"…You're not him, you know," she pronounced harshly. "You'll never be him."

Her own fingers fumbled with the damp napkin, and bottle of medicine, before looking up again with a smile.

"But, that's not a bad thing."

As she said this, she extended out to pat his cheek, noting the dark bags under his eyes. Had he even slept at all, she wondered? …Then again, she was probably taking up his bed, she realized with sudden embarrassment.

Tim seemed even more embarrassed by the affectionate contact, turning away with a cough. The memory of what she had done surged back to her cheeks, and she hastily detached, nervously tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, which bloomed a matching humiliated hue.

"Listen, about what happened last night…"

Tim merely waved off whatever she was about to say in advance.

"We were both drunk. It doesn't count."

"…You're awfully quick to dismiss." Detecting his fidgeting, she gleamed in comprehension. "Ah, don't tell me – you've never kissed anyone before?"

A pure pink tinge faintly colored his complexion, corroborating her suspicion.

"Ehehe, did I steal your first kiss, Boy Virgin?"

"Sh- shut up."

His flush deepened further.

"It's not like I've exactly had much opportunity to try it," he murmured in his defense. "…Besides, if we're counting that kind of thing, technically my first time would've been with Dick."

"Oh."

He sniped a sulk at her reaction.

"I gave him CPR once. What were you thinking?"

"Nothing," she declared innocently, hand hovering over her mouth to obstruct a snicker. "I bet this time was a lot better though. I'm sure you must've thoroughly enjoyed it, if not to some extent."

Tim averted his eyes again as she winked at him.

"Wh- who knows."

"Oh please. Don't deny you were the least bit curious. You think I never noticed you sneaking peeks while we were getting changed?"

Tim burned burgundy as he shifted sight down to his toes.

"I was 13. What'd you expect?"

She nodded sagely.

"You are a boy, after all. It's only natural for these things to occur."

She giggled in entertainment at his expense. When the chuckles died down, she checked the time on the alarm clock by the pillow.

"…I guess I should get going now. I'll need to call in to the station to tell them I'm taking the next days off."

He helped see her out. Standing awkwardly in the entrance, he rubbed his neck before addressing encouragingly.

"You're a great cop, Barb. You're gonna do a lot of good things for this city. I know you'll make it a better place."

She beamed.

"Thank you, Tim. …I'll start by confiscating 'this'."

She held up the contraband, which Roy had taken the liberty of hiding again, but there was no way he could outsmart a Bat, even if she wore a different symbol now.

"And I better not catch you with anything like this again, or I will take you in. Got it?"

Tim winced at the strict lecture and slap on the wrist, but nodded. Barbara softened as she reached around to envelop in a broad hug.

"…Don't be a stranger, Tim. You're the only one I can still talk to about all this."

He wavered, but kindly reciprocated the gesture. As she withdrew, she raised an arm to lightly pet his hair, discerning he had finally hit that growth spurt; he was almost at her height now.

"Listen. Someday, you're gonna meet someone special, who loves you just the way you are. And she's gonna be so lucky to have you in her life."

Tim scoffed.

"Yeah, right. Like that's ever gonna happen."

She took his hands in hers. Hands that still twitched and trembled every once in a while, as if afraid to even be touched. Hands that had, in his opinion, committed the greatest act of transgression, taking another's soul and doomed toll on his own – but had also toiled all night to keep changing her cool kerchief, tending and tenderly wiping her temple in enduring devotion to charitable ideals. That had prostrated and prayed, begging for a favor from "God" for her sake, subjugating self in spite of whatever spiteful feelings he bore towards said sore subject. …That had rescued so many lives at the risk of his own, without asking for any reward other than to have a place to call "home", and a "family" who cared for him as much as he did for them. (And even that had been mostly taken from him too, something for which she regretfully shared the blame.)

"Don't give up hope. Things will change. It's gonna get better. I promise."

She stooped forward to peck his cheek, before letting go.

"Thank you, again, for everything. I'll see you around, Tim."

"Yeah. See ya."

She left with a wave, and he halfheartedly did the same as he watched her go.

…

About a week later, after she'd fully recovered and gone back to work as good as new, she received an urgent call from Roy at the hospital.

…

Tim had tried to kill himself.

————————–

That sky glowed all calico, like phosphor in the sea To the ground we fall, she owns us all Kings and boys and beast Kings and boys and beast

[grace-likes-things]

Chapter One - Something Different

Masterlist

A/N Hello! Fic #2 of my whole life and it is a friggin long one. But I felt inspired, and I’ve been letting the outline sit on my laptop for months so I though I had to get to writing it. Chapter one is bit longer than the next few, (I think it’s gonna be about 25 overall, yikes lol but I want some good plot practice) and it has some nice father daughter moments and sets up a lot of the context for the story. It’ll only take a few chapters to get real interesting, so stick with me! Enjoy <3

~~~~~~

“So… how much of a wreck was the world while I was gone?”

I sit with my father on the steps of his — our? — lake house. It’s the first time since my being brought back that we’ve had a moment of peace alone. My eyes scan him over for the millionth time; the new wrinkles, the greying hair, scars from the latest battle, his demeanor in general. He’s not exactly the old Tony Stark the world knew, the old dad that I knew. Not so high strung, not as in need of a project to keep his mind off of the latest trauma. He’s surprisingly peaceful, and although not a bad thing, it’s unfamiliar. I guess it’s just another one of the many strange things i’m going to have to get used to.

He doesn’t take too long to answer my question, “Oh, it was torn to shreds for a while. No one knew what to do with themself after finding out Y/N Stark was gone. Jeez, I mean, you shoulda seen the looks on people’s faces—“

“Dad,” I say with a pitiful laugh, “for real. How long did things take to get back to normal?”

“If I can tell you one thing it's that nothing ever got ‘normal’ again. Hell, to be honest with you I’m not so sure when the world started to recover. I was too busy being a wreck of my own. Came out here to hide in the woods with Pep. And then we found out about Morgan… it was all a lot in not so much time.”

“She’s adorable,” I mumble with a smile over my warm mug, “Can’t believe you managed to pull off another kid that cute.”

“Ha, yeah well I had help. Pep did all the hard work. I just freaked out most of the time.”

“God I wish I could’ve seen it —“

“Yeah, yeah, make fun of your dad,” he sends a sly smile my way, and raises a brow, “You know it’s not easy work preparing for a baby in the middle of an apocalypse.”

“Oh I bet…” I say, although it’s mostly to myself. I try to picture it. My dad and practically adoptive mother, living through the largest extinction event known to man, my dad having witnessed his child go…. and then finding out he’s soon going to have another to care for.

My dad suddenly speaks up, “It went through my head, so I know you probably thought it too. I want you to know we never intended on replacing you. That was never the goal. It was hard… to say the least, after losing you. And then she just surprised us and everything changed so quickly, and I couldn’t help but feel guilty — “

“You shouldn’t have.”

“I know, I know, but I did. And I just — it would be horrible if you thought that was what happened. So I want to make sure you know.”

“Yeah, of course.”

We share a beat of silence, sipping our coffee and enjoying the morning sounds of the lake. A question begs at my mind.

“Can I ask you,” I hesitate for a moment, “how did everything happen? You know, when we disappeared? I’m sorry, it’s just… no one talks about it, and I can hardly remember anything.”

I see the look on his face and I know it wasn’t a great idea to ask. From what I’ve gathered, for me it was a 5 minute nap, but for anyone else it was 5 years without their loved ones. And most watched them go. I know how bad this must have been for him, the man who has constant nightmares about being responsible for his loved ones’ deaths. But my father and I have an honesty policy - ever since I was old enough to understand what had happened in Afghanistan. So he takes a breath and informs me anyway.

“All we could do was wait. He had our stone, ran off for the rest. That’s when Mantis started fading, then the big guy, then Quill. The Doctor.” Tony pauses for a second, remembering.

“Dad?” Y/N stares up at him from across the clearing. Tony and Peter both watch, praying she isn’t going too. Praying she’s just afraid, but safe.

She stumbles forward, wanting desperately to reach her father before her arms no longer exist to latch on to him — but Tony finds his prayer’s haven’t been answered when her legs quietly turn to ash, the remnants of a reaching hand breeze past him, and a final cry is silenced when her lips fade into nonexistence.

“No,” he mumbles, refusing to comprehend the fate of his daughter, “no, no—“

“Mr. Stark?”

“Then you and Parker were gone…” he says, voice catching, and I watch my thumbs rub against the warm mug of coffee in my hands while he gathers his thoughts, “That was the only thing I could see for a while.”

“Well… sounds like I didn't miss anything fun, that’s for sure.” And he laughs weakly at my attempt to lighten the mood.

“no, no you really didn’t. Just worldwide mourning and me getting even less sleep than usual. God, but I wish you could’ve been here when Morgan was born. Although I guess you did get to skip the diaper phase, so that’s a win on your part. Oh, and me inventing time travel, but it’s no big de-“

“Dad,”

“Oh come on, it was iconic! History made, right in this house.”

“Alright, alright, i’ll give you that. I guess I have to thank you for that one.”

“Yeah, speaking of things you have to thank me for, have you checked out your room yet? I could tell Pepper was a little concerned for me when I started decorating it with your stuff. Rhodes called it coping. He thinks I thought that if I had a space dedicated to you, it wouldn’t feel like you were gone, but to be honest I don't really think I had any cohesive thoughts at that time. So I put the extra room in the floor plan, and threw all of your things together.”

“Yeah dad, it’s great. Thanks.” I say, trying to give him a smile despite picturing him working away in that room after I was gone. I wait a beat before saying “it is kind of weird, though, having a five year old sister all of a sudden.”

“it’s weird having my seventeen year old back all of a sudden, but what can you do? I guess it’s alright, you’re both cute.”

I laugh into the mug, thinking I haven't been cute since I was 8.

“You know, if you didn’t have these golden genes Underoos probably wouldn't be so into you,” he says, and he’s smirking teasingly.

“Where did that come from?” My eyes widen while his turn to the sky, feigning innocence, “Seriously? Come on dad, he was at the compound all the time, of course we’re gonna be friends.”

“Friends? Oh that’s all it is? Okay then, I’ll make sure to weave you both some nice matching bracelets. You didn’t happen to notice the way he had an eye on you at all times back on our space adventure, did you? Literally, not once did I see him look awa-“

“So he had my back! We were looking out for each other,”

“If you call constant heart eyes having your back, fine, okay,”

“Alright,” I pick my coffee up, turn toward the door, “we’re done here.”

But a smile hides itself behind my hair while I push open the screen door, my father following my lead into this new home.

We can all agree it’s nice to be back.

~~~~

There’s chapter one for you! I have the next few chapters written but I’m gonna try to space them out a little for sake of giving me time to stay caught up. I hope you enjoyed chapter one! If you want to read my only other work, you can find it below.

Labyrinth - my lovely angsty one shot

[takonei]

Beta AU - Main story, Chapter 2, daily life (Part 3)

Note of the author: To write is to suffer.

Also a week ago I had a test where I had to do a 70 word max commentary on something and that reminded me of the fact that I reached 20k words with this, and I’m not even done with chapter 2 smh

Chapter 2: The wolf and the lamb - Daily life

Day 7 since the beginning of the game. 7:00 AM.

Just like a few days ago, Shuichi couldn’t sleep well due to the upcoming event and what happened te day before. He stared at the ceiling for what felt like an eternity before deciding to get dressed and perhaps join those who have already woken up.

When he finally got out of his bedroom, he saw Miu going out as well. He caught up to her.

“Hey...”

She almost jumped at his presence. “Don’t lurk on me like that, jeez...”

That was absolutely not the case but none of them were in the mood for bickering. They walked to the dining hall in silence.

After a while Miu mumbled in a very low voice: “I’m sorry for yesterday.”

Shuichi took a while to think about a correct response. “Just make sure to talk to Kiyo about this.” She nodded.

There were surprisingly more people than expected. Kirumi, Keebo, Kokichi and Korekiyo were there.

“Good morning.” Korekiyo said, looking at the two.

“Sup.”

“Good morning...” Shuichi responded. “No one was able to sleep, huh?”

“This morning will be stressful for all of us, it’s normal.” Rantaro’s voice was heard as he entered the room, his hands full of tablets. Ryoma was behind him with a part of the tablets as well.

They put the tablets on the table. Shuichi and Miu helped them sort the kubs pads by group. The rest of them arrived one by one to eat their breakfast.

The morning announcement rang and the only people not there were Kaito and Himiko, which was weird considering Himiko’s energetic nature and Kaito was not exactly lazy.

About 15 minutes after, everybody was there. None of them really knew if they were impatient or didn’t want to see their videos.

They separated to make sure no one would hear other videos. After watching the videos, they were ordered to go back to the dining hall.

Shuichi’s group went to his lab, Rantaro’s group to his lab, Kirumi’s group to her lab and Kaede’s group to her lab.

There weren’t any chairs in Shuichi’s lab, so they sat on the floor to make sure everyone could watch.

Shuichi asked if any of them wanted to watch their video first.

“Me. If you guys don’t mind.” Miu said, the regret in her voice.

After making sure he took the right one, he put it down for the others to watch.

Miu Iruma’s motive video What is your motive!?

Miu took a deep breath. She was faintly shaking.

“Who’s the most important person in *your* life? And now without further ado...”

A picture appeared on the screen.

The kid was not older than 4 or 5 years old.

Shuichi glanced at her. her eyes were red and he could see tears form in her eyes.

“Miu Iruma, the ultimate Street artist...

Famous all around the country for her *marvelous* fluorescent paintings in the streets.

Contrary to popular belief, she wasn’t seeking fame and fortune. Her goal was to protect the only person she truly cherishes, her adopted son.”

Shuichi took a deep breath. He hoped the other videos don’t make them as emotional.

“Our team has managed to get in contact and talk to him. He misses his dear mother terribly, what kind of kid wouldn’t after all? Let’s hear the poor, lonely child’s cry for help then!”

That was just sadism at this point. No wonder Miu completely snapped after watching this. She had a hand on her mouth, holding herself back from breaking into tears.

“Mommy?”

The kid, “Kaz” as she called him, appeared on the screen, sitting on a couch. Miu closed her eyes and faced the ground.

“I don’t understand what’s happening but I believe in mom! I know she can do this! Don’t ever give up! Mom is the strongest mom I’ve ever known, I’m sure no matter what happens, she'll be able to surpass it, I love you mom!”

Kaito pat her back in confort. It was hard for them to watch this, but they couldn’t even begin to imagine how she felt.

Monokuma’s voice continued. “He believes in his mother more than anyone else. Will Miu be able to gather enough strength for him?

Ah, yes... One more thing...

Shortly after our discussion, that brat suffered an unfortunate accident.”

The others frowned.

“What kinda accident? It’s a secret! Find out for yourself. Puhuhuhuhu...”

The screen went black. Miu was clenching to her stomach. She wanted to scream.

Kiyo was most likely thinking about something to calm her down. He set the tablet aside. “We can pause for a moment if you need some time.”

She took a deep breath. A shaky breath. “Don’t- Don’t worry about me. Continue if you want to.”

Kiyo didn’t back down. “The others will understand if we spend more time in this room than we intended at first.”

She nodded, looking at the ground. About five minutes later she had calmed down enough to start another video.

“Is anyone volunteering to watch their video?” Kiyo asked.

“I... I think I can handle it.” Kaito said. He was unsure, but so was the rest of the group.

“Alright. I’m turning on the tablet.”

Once again, the screen lightened up to show the video.

Kaito Momota’s motive video What is your motive!?

Kaito took a deep breath. He was trying to hide his nervousness, but it really showed on his face.

“Who’s the most important person in *your* life? And now without further ado...”

The picture had Kaito with a motorcycle and a gold medal, with his grandparents proudly smiling at their grandson.

“Kaito Momota, the Ultimate Biker...

While he is possibly one of the most loyal member of the biker gang he considers his second family, how could you possibly forget his real one?”

Kaito clenched his fists, but said nothing.

“Thaaaaat’s right! He gave a major part of the money he earned to his own grandparents. How adorable!

I mean his parents couldn’t even do the job of taking care of their own son, yet same son takes care of his grandparents. How ironic!

... Or not.”

Kaito’s expression was unreadable.

“What kind of son would abandon his family while an unfortunate event is affecting them in the worst ways possible?

What happened, you may ask? Find out for yourself! Puhuhuhu!”

The screen went black.

There was a short silence that felt like an eternity.

Shuichi was hesitant, but he spoke first. “You okay...?”

Kaito took a deep breath and exhaled. “I’m fine. We can talk about this later, let’s just move on.”

Kiyo raised an eyebrow an stared at him to get at least a glimpse of emotion. He sighed.

“Shuichi, do you wish to see your video now or do you want me to go first?”

He nodded. “Let’s just get this over with.”

He didn’t tell the others about the feeling that something would go wrong very soon. But he couldn’t say anything. After all Kaito and Miu already showed their videos, that would be unfair for them to stop there.

Shuichi Saihara’s motive video What is your motive!?

“Who’s the most important person in *your* life? And now without further ado...”

Shuichi took a deep breath.

A picture of a middle aged man, a young woman about 20 years old and Shuichi himself appeared. He recognized them as his uncle and his cousin.

“Shuichi Saihara, the Ultimate Violinist...

He has made his own reputation thanks to his parents, ironic considering the fact that the the boy probably saw them less times than I saw dead bodies in a killing game.”

Shuichi winced.

“Since those ‘2popular4you’ idiots weren’t capable of taking care of a single person they left the poor child to his uncle, who took care of him like his own son. Such a nice family, right?”

A wave of nostalgia hit Shuichi. The time spent with them between concerts, the games he used to play with his cousin...

“But all good things come to an end! Those two got taken away in an unfortunate accident.

But what kind of incident? It’s for you to find out!”

The screen turned off. Shuichi was lost in thoughts. He wanted to say that he would get them back no matter the cost but yesterday’s experience made him reconsider his words. Perhaps that’s what Kaito was thinking too after he watched his own video.

He didn’t realize how long he’s been thinking until Korekiyo put a hand on his shoulder.

“Are you okay?”

“Ah- Yes, I’m fine. Just... Nostalgic.”

He faintly heard Miu say “I get you.”

Kaito looked at Shuichi with unease. Like he wanted to say something to reassure him but didn’t find the words to do so.

Korekiyo took the last tablet in his hands. “I guess it’s finally my turn.”

He took a deep breath and turned the tablet on.

Korekiyo Shinguji’s motive video What is your motive!?

“Who’s the most important person in *your* life? And now without further ado...”

The picture featured him and a young woman a bit older than him.

“Korekiyo Shinguji, the Ultimate Therapist...

Able to help people et through the worst traumas the world could inflict. A genius dedicated to heal psychological scars...

Even for his own sister who had sunken into insanity before his precious help. He dedicated his entire life to help poor traumatized sister.”

Kiyo was completely silent and unreadable, it was almost scary.

“She was already borderline psychotic without her sweet brother, but now that he disappeared... Puhuhuhuh! I can only imagine the consequences!

But the wild lady didn’t enjoy her brother’s absence very long due to an accident. But what accident? See after graduation!”

The last video was over. Kiyo retrieved the rest of the tablets. “Before you ask me, i’m fine. Seeing the rest of your videos prepared me for mine.”

He stood up. “Once again, if any of you need anything, I’ll be here.”

Shuichi stood up as well. “You sure? I don’t think that’s very healthy to put the sake of everyone else on your shoulders, even for you...”

He shook his head. “I can assure you I’ll be fine. I will talk to you if it’s necessary, since that’s what this group is for.”

Miu and Kaito joined them. “So... Should we go to the dining hall?”

Shuichi nodded. But Kiyo looked at Miu. “You two go without us, I need to talk to Miu first.”

Miu gave them a weak thumbs-up, leaving the two boys.

As they were walking, Shuichi turned to Kaito. “You heard Kiyo... If you need any help he or I can talk to you. We’re in the same boat, right?”

The biker turned to him, then smiled. “Alright bro. We’re the ‘our parents are garbage and decent people in the family took care of us’ gang, right?” He extended his fist.

Shuichi chuckled and fist bumped Kaito. “Hehe, kinda...”

After seconds of silence Shuichi was still nervous. “Do you think the others are okay?”

Kaito scratched the back of his neck. “Well I hope so... Can’t guarantee anything though.”

They reached the dining hall to see both Kirumi and Kaede’s groups. However Rantaro’s group was still absent.

They were all more or less neutral, or hiding their expressions. Kaede, however, didn’t look well. Maki was patting her back in comfort. But judging by the silence of the room, now was not the time.

Kirumi raised an eyebrow. “Where is the rest of your group?”

A voice came from behind them. “Right here.”

It was Kiyo, with Miu. They looked around and noticed Rantaro’s group’s absence as well. “I see that Rantaro, Kokichi and Himiko did not return.

Keebo looked puzzled. “I don’t really get it, they were 3 and yet they’re the last group to come.”

Kirumi crossed her arms. “Our group was the first to come, and we were only 3. Tsumugi, you said your group watched the videos all at once almost without pausing.”

She turned to Shuichi. “I assume that’s not your case?” her eyes were fixed on his’ like he was her prey.

“Y-Yes, Kiyo suggested to take a breath between the videos.”

Talking about Miu’s reaction was a bad idea, for now.

They waited the last group five minutes before they entered the dining hall. Rantaro looked nervous, Himiko was trying to hide her distress and Kokichi’s eyes were almost as red as Miu’s when they finished her video.

Kiyo hesitated for a moment but spoke anyway. “If any of you need support or therapy sessions I’ll be available. However I cannot force you. Just consider the offer available anytime.”

Kokichi nodded. Rantaro weakly smiled. “Thanks a lot, Kiyo. Your help is more than welcome.”

Shuichi exhaled a breath. But he couldn’t stop feeling nervous. What did those three even see in those videos?

Maki lifted her head. “And now? Is there anything we should do about the videos or-”

“Oh, I know!!” a high pitched voice was heard.

Monokuma popped up out of nowhere as usual.

“Sheesh, you guys were slow watching those videos, I almost wanted to break in those binge-watch sessions. Waiting was bor-”

“Get to the point already.” Rantaro ordered.

The bear laughed. “Puhuhuhuhu! I’m glad you said so!”

He jumped on the table to make sure everyone was listening.

“Watching you guys cooperate to fight despair was interesting, really! Which is why it gave me an idea... For a new motive!”

Shuichi’s eyes widened. “What?”

“You heard me, music-boy! You guys talk so much about cooperating and helping each other, it gave me a splendid idea!”

“Let me present you... The accomplice perk!”

The others looked at him nervously. No one liked where this was going.

“Here are the rules. The next blackened, if they manage to get away with their crime, will be able to take one person with them, and they will graduate together!”

This was the last thing they needed. They had just watched their videos. They knew each other’s secrets. Monokuma knew they were watching the videos. Without realizing it, they all fell into a trap they hadn’t anticipated. 

“Now do what you want with this, I just want a crime with an accomplice or something. I haven’t seen these in decades!” He disappeared, leaving everyone to themselves.

...

“Well fuck.” Kaito broke the silence.

“No human language can describe the disappointment I'm feeling right now.” Kiyo added, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Shuichi turned to Ryoma. He was reading something on his monopad. After a few seconds he left the room with one of the tablets, presumably his own.

“Where are you going exactly?” Kirumi asked. Ryoma didn’t give an answer. The others were confused.

They heard glass shattering, an object thrown to the ground and stepped on. Shuichi and Rantaro rushed to the kitchen and saw Ryoma, his kubs pad on the ground, shattered to pieces. He looked at them with the most neutral expression possible. “Mind giving me a hand?”

Rantaro raised an eyebrow. “You’re planning on destroying all the tablets?”

Ryoma took the large pieces off the ground. “It’s not against the school rules. We watched the videos. No need for them anymore.”

Rantaro narrowed his eyes. “At least let’s discuss it with everyone.”

They returned to the dining hall to see the others confused. “I was already planning to do this before Monokuma’s second motive. Now is just another reason to do so.”

“H-Hold on! We can’t just destroy them like that!” Miu exclaimed.

“The sooner, the better. I smashed my own tablet. Feel free to do so as well.”

Shuichi was hesitant. “What if... We want to keep at least a souvenir of the people on it? To at least give us some strength to continue...” he trailed off when he saw Kokichi walking off to the kitchen and coming back with about several sharp knives. He proceeded to destroy his tablet without a word as the others were watching. Himiko kept her gaze on the ground.

“Do what you want with your tablets, but I’m not watching this again.”

Shuichi could read a small bit of satisfaction on his face.

Kirumi took hers and did the same. “I get that some of you hold some people close to your heart, but some of us aren’t that lucky.”

Tsumugi destroyed her tablet as well. “It’s for the best.”

Shuichi looked at his reflection on the black screen. He didn’t want to forget them. He really didn’t.

Rantaro spoke up. “Miu, Angie, you two are quite skilled in the field of art, right?”

Miu nodded. Angie kept swinging her legs under the table. “Yup! Yup! Let me guess, you want us to recreate their portraits so we can destroy the tablets anyway?”

“Yes. We’ll have to do without their voices. It’s just to make sure no one watches someone else’s video outside of the groups.”

She hummed for a few seconds. “I’m okay with this, but first!”

She stood up, put the tablet on her chair and smashed it with the giant paintbrush she carries at all times. The tablet was almost perfectly broken in half.

“Done! If you need my help to create something for you, just ask!” she said almost too cheerily for someone who just destroyed the last connection she had with the outside world.

But Shuichi was more surprised to see Kiyo destroying his tablet. From what the video said, he didn’t hate his sister from the look of things. But he shouldn’t assume how he was feeling.

Rantaro himself put his tablet on the ground. He made a quick salute. “So long, partners.” he smashed the tablet several times to make sure it didn’t work anymore.

“It looks like half of us already destroyed their tablets. It’s a good start. I know this won’t solve everything but if we can get them out of the way that would be better.” he added.

To everyone’s surprise, Kaede threw the tablet on the floor to destroy it.

“I... I miss my family. I really do. But...”

She looked at the rest of the group with a newly found confidence. “I don’t want it to make me do things I’ll regret. So if destroying these will help us move forward... Then so be it.”

Rantaro sighed in relief. Maki looked at her, surprised by her -friend-’s words, but she was not mad.

Keebo smiled. “The I’ll take care of it as well.” about ten seconds later, his tablet was no more.

There were now 5 kubs pads intact: Kaito’s, Miu’s, Himiko’s, Maki’s and Shuichi’s. They all looked at each other. The peer pressure was growing, and Shuichi was holding onto his tablet more and more tightly.

Rantaro approached him. “Hey, we suggested the idea of at least keeping the portraits. You don’t have to feel pressured into destroying the tablet right now.”

Shuichi smiled. “Thank you. I just... Think I need a reminder of why I’m fighting against this killing game. So if Miu can make at least a sketch of my family portrait that would be really nice.” He looked at her with a genuine smile. Her eyes widened for a few seconds before smiling back.

“Alright, if any of you wants some family portrait, I’ll be in my lab for the rest of the day making them.”

Rantaro smiled at her. “Thank you for your service Miu.” He turned to the rest of the group.

“I’ll go with them to make sure everything goes smoothly. If any of you need Kiyo’s help or advice, don’t hesitate to ask him. I’m counting on you all to maintain this group together.”

He turned to the ones with their tablets still intact. “Miu, Kaito, Himiko, Maki and Shuichi, we’ll go to Miu’s lab for the portraits.”

“Oh! Oh! May I join??” Angie raised her hand.

Miu chuckled. “Alright, Twinkle! Show me what you got!”

They left to the street artist’s lab. Shuichi didn’t feel good going back after... The previous incident, but he didn’t have a choice. He looked at Miu, she was chatting with Rantaro. At least she looked better than after watching her motive video.

He noticed Himiko being rather silent. He decided to start the conversation. “You okay?”

The small girl lifted her head. “Oh, don’t worry! I’m just worried about... You know...”

“Your family?” he finished. But she shook her head.

“No, I’m worried about Kokichi.”

Shuichi didn’t expect this. “Oh... Right...”

“I know he isn’t a bad person... I just know it... But he is so convinced that he is I just... Don’t know what to say to him.”

Shuichi had absolutely no idea on what was on his video. He wasn’t in the right to ask, and Himiko was certainly not in the right to tell him about it.

“I don’t really know that much about him but...” he put a hand on her shoulder. “Stay by his side. It’s easy to tell he likes you, you know?”

Her eyes widened. “Really?”

He hummed. “I talked to him the other day, he doesn’t really get why you like him so much, but he doesn’t complain. I guess he is just very shy and anxious?”

Himiko clenched her fists, but more in a determined manner than an angry one. “Then I’ll help him overcome it! I know he wants to better himself, so I’ll help him!”

Shuichi smiled and ruffled her hair. “You’re a good person Himiko. I’m glad he has someone like you to help him.”

She wiped a small tear in the corner of her eye. “Oh! I’ll ask Angie to add him on my family picture!”

Shuichi chuckled. “Also, try to encourage him to seek out help to Kiyo if he hasn’t already. We have the Ultimate therapist with us. That’s quite convenient.”

She hummed. “I will!”

They arrived at Miu’s lab. Angie turned to Miu. “Soooo how do we split the work?”

Miu clicked her tongue. “Depends on how they want to stylise the portrait. Either something fancy with you, or something modern with me.”

Himiko jumped. “Angie! Can you do mine?”

She smiled. “Of course!”

They shared the work. Miu would work on the family portraits of Shuichi, Kaito and herself.

Angie took Himiko and Maki with her.

The rest of the morning was spent finding ideas. Angie may not have her lab open, but Miu had enough materials to make the portraits.

Kirumi brought them lunch so the girls wouldn’t loose their focus.

Miu’s group brought paint to Shuichi’s lab to do her work. Shuichi had gathered several music sheets and after taping them on the wall, Miu used them as a canvas.

Shuichi was very impressed by the final result. It was easy to see that Miu put her whole heart and soul into it.

“So? How’s that for you?” she proudly asked.

Shuichi felt tears in the corner of his eyes. “It’s really impressive. Thanks a lot, Miu. I’m really glad you accepted to do this for me. That means a lot.”

She looked at her with a weak smile. “Don’t sweat it. I can only get what it’s like to miss your family.”

Shuichi looked at the portrait for a good thirty seconds. Thankfully Kaito and Miu didn’t say anything.

“I think we should move on. Let’s just find something to smash this thing.” he broke the silence.

After destroying the tablet they saw Angie working on an impressive portrait with its frame, all made using origami. Rantaro was observing, since he didn’t have the necessary skills to help.

Then went on Kaito’s family portrait. Surprisingly he didn’t want something too different from reality, so Miu simply made a reproduction of the picture offered by the kubs pad.

Angie, Himiko, Rantaro and Maki left for the latter’s lab.

Kirumi had come to clean up the broken tablets. When asked where she was even putting them, she said Ryoma could use some of the components with some tools from the warehouse, but that it was fine since there was no possibility to recover the parts containing the videos specifically, or just being able to watch any video at all.

She had stayed to watch Miu paint a part of the giant walls. The portrait of her son was astonishing. If Shuichi’s family portrait was wonderful, hers was simply divine.

Kirumi had just assumed it was her little brother, so Kaito and Shuichi went along with it since it was easier to explain.

By the time they were finished, it was about 6 PM. Kirumi also took the broken pieces of Maki’s tablet.

The evening came, and everyone felt definitely better than they were at the beginning of the day after Monokuma announced the second motive. After all, all of the tablets were destroyed, which lifted the anxiety the majority was feeling.

After dinner, Shuichi, Kaito and Rantaro went outside to talk.

They were mostly relieved that Miu had managed to calm down. Kiyo even told them that she would get a therapy session the next day after the morning announcement and breakfast.

However Rantaro felt off.

“Is something wrong?” Shuichi asked.

He lifted his head to look at him. “Oh, nothing. I’m just a bit anxious about what Monokuma will come up with next. To make sure everyone gets along is a challenge here.”

He chuckled. “Even back on the front lines we cooperated more. But that doesn’t really matter now.”

Kaito smiled. “Hey, it’s not the best situation, but we can manage! Look at us today, we managed to open up even more!”

He extended his fist. “We’re doing good, so let’s just continue sticking with each other. Man’s promise?”

Rantaro laughed. “Whatever you call it. Man’s promise.” he extended his fist as well.

Shuichi was a bit nervous, but did so anyway. “Yeah. Man’s promise as you say.”

They left to go back to the dorms, but Shuichi decided to go to his lab for a while, to look at his family portrait one last time.

Even after hours it was still eye candy to him. She really had managed to capture their essence, and even his passion for violin with the music sheets used as a canvas.

After a few minutes he left his lab.

Just when he was about to go to his room he noticed Kaede, visibly nervous, leaving her room.

“You okay?” he asked.

She almost jumped. “Yes, don’t worry about me I’ll just... Go write on my notebook. It helps me relax.”

Shuichi was almost not convinced. “If you say so... Just don’t wander too much in the hallways, alright?”

She smiled. “Of course! It’s only to clear my mind. Those times have been quite stressful, you know?”

He nodded. “I know... But how can you be inspired in times like these?”

She chuckled. “You know, sometimes it’s less about inspiration and more about a way to mentally escape this cage. A sparrow may be nothing but a prey to a man, but it will fly further than the man will ever be able to.”

Shuichi smiled. “That’s a nice way of thinking.”

“Oh well, maybe I’m just rambling. See you tomorrow!” She left.

Hopefully tomorrow would be fine.

...

Day 8 since the beginning of the game. 7:30 AM.

Shuichi woke up feeling rested. He felt the worry slowly fading away, and more and more determined to end the game.

After dressing up he walked to the dining hall, only to see that no one was there. He couldn’t even ask himself why he was alone when he heard it.

The cursed music, and the voice he resented more than anything.

“Ding dong, dong ding!”

“A body has been discovered!”

“Everyone, please gather at the library!”

Shuichi froze.

“What...?”

He didn’t even think. He rushed to the basement, only to see Kirumi, Rantaro, Kiyo and Ryoma looking at the table that he could not see because of the pile of books.

He slowly approached them. That’s when he saw it.

On one of the chairs rested the inanimate body...

... Of Kaede Akamatsu, the Ultimate writer.

[shikai-the-storyteller]

Homestretch....the final Cyberverse episodes... :’(

Season 3: Episodes 21 - 26

Episode 21

Ok so before we start, I gotta fess up and say I got spoiled for something because Twitter Sucks, so I know Tarn is in this series. Here are my predictions about that: 

Megatron said he rescued Astrotrain from a tyrant. I thought he meant an Alt!Universe version of him, but now that I know This Bastard is gonna be in it, I’m guessing it’s Tarn

If Megatron DID save Astrotrain from Tarn, it’d be hilarious if Tarn & co. weren’t actually planning to kill Astrotrain, they were just using him as transport, in which case Megatron essentially car-jacked (train-jacked?) them.

As much as I rag on Tarn and the DJD I actually do genuinely love the idea of an Autobot + Decepticon teamup against the DJD THAT WOULD BE SO FRICKIN COOL....

Anyways, on to the episode!

Pics taken 10 seconds before disaster, rip Cosmos.

MEDIA BOT and Cosmos! :D GOSH COSMOS REALLY IS CONFIRMED FOR BABY THAT”S ADORABLE.....I’m so glad he’s finally back in a cartoon

OH WHOOPS I FORGOT WINDBLADE WAS FRICKIN DEAD (ish)

LUNA 3???

The “FORBIDDEN” moon? 

Chromia: You can go there anyways! Bee: Huh?  Chromia: When have the rules ever stopped you before? Bee: Fair point

BRO WHY DO YOU HAVE A TOY OF SQUIDSCREAM

aw I love all those photos of him and cosmos, that’s cute

Oh no did he quit the business because he lost Cosmos???

METEOR-FIRE what a cool name

I like this dude a lot

I love that he’s obviously depressed about losing his partner but immediately gets convinced to go break into Luna 3 lmao

HE’S GOT CUTE CAMERAS WITH HIM I love that

LMAO I was gonna say “Wow you just flip the switches alright” THEN HE JUST RIPS THE CORDS OUT I love this guy

Hmm suspicious

Aw I love the space-shots of Cybertron, what a gorgeous planet....

Oh hello cannon-fodder #418

SHOCKWAVE SHOCKWAVE SHOCKWAVE!!!!!

IT”S THE GRUDGE LMAO

It’s probably a sim that shows you the scariest thing you can think of

BLURR!!! AW THAT’S SO SAD

Ok I take it back, it’s probably like MTMTE’s “Cyberutopia” thing where it reads your memory files

Watch the cameras Bee!!!

“Bee, I don’t mean to alarm you, but the alien presence has taken over my circuits” *HEAD DOES A 180* GOSH I LOVE THIS FRICKIN SHOW

The facial expressions in this show are SO FUN Bee’s so expressive I love that

I like that Meteor-Fire is so chill about this, this ain’t his first rodeo

He just snaps his neck back into place that’s so freaky and they play it off so well lol

PRETTY SPACE BALL???? PRETTY SPACE BALL!!! HEY HASBRO CAN YOU MAKE A TOY OF THIS I WANT IT!!!!!!

Gosh I’d legit buy a gem like this if it had constellations engraved on it THAT’S SO PRETTY I LOVE IT

It’s a good thing that Bee’s got Meteor-Fire with him, this is his field!!!

Oh lmao JUST KIDDING I GUESS

Well so much for the alien, rest in pieces

I think Saling already said this in their liveblog but I love that Bee’s collecting Windblade’s parts a-la-Megaman X2 style

COSMOS!!!!!! Yay I’m so glad they got him back!!!

Meteor-Fire: Look everybody, Cosmos is back!!! :D ME TOO BUD I’m so excited to see my space-baby

RODDY AND ARCEE!!!! I love that Percy took over for Maccadam, but that’s also so sad!!! ALSO WHY HAS HE NOT FIXED HIS EYES, RATCHET PLEASE HELP THIS POOR GUY

Episode 22  

OHH PRETTY PLANET

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: The background designers on this show are great

Rodimus: That place has nothing but bad memories for me Every Drift fan simultaneously: Mood....

I really don’t think they’ll bring Drift back (unless he’s like, a zombie, which would still suck) so that’s a bummer

Rodimus: *Talking about his trauma* Me, very distracted: Wow Bee looks really cute here

SERIOUSLY THOUGH THEY NEED RUNG IN THIS SERIES They need a therapist in every Transformers series, all these bots need therapy (though tbf they tried to give Starscream therapy and that sure didn’t help, pft)

GRIMLOCK MAYBE DON’T--oh ok too late WELL THERE THEY GO

Repugnis?? I don’t remember who that is

A CITY?????? PRETTY

INSECTICON

lmao the frickin voice actor for that grey dude cracked me up

BEE MAYBE DON’T IMMEDIATELY TRUST THEM

Energon masters???? What

Interesting that they used “She” for Grimlock

Affluence?? 

Oh great these guys are the Cybertronian bourgeoisie 

Oh boy they’re just wasting energon huh

THE SHOCKS????

That’s a pretty bubble but JEEZ

OH NO WHY CAN”T HE TRANSFORM??

WAIT WHERE”S THE AUDIO oh wait no OP did mention there was an audio dropout

Is Grimlock gonna make friends with the bugs!!!

OH RIGHT the bug is Repugnis 

Aw the bugs are way nicer than the bourgeoisie, surprising absolutely no one

HELL YEAH, EAT THE RICH GRIMLOCK

“If we let you go, things will change! We like things the way they are” jeez

I wonder how the Shocks came about

It frickin figures

PRISON BREAK BEE!!!!

EAT HIM GRIMLOCK!!!

“Well this is quite astonishing” cute....

YEAH I WAS WONDERING IF THEY HAD THE SAME ALT MODE they looked like they had bug-bits, I didn’t realize that thing was keeping them from transforming though

Episode 23   

Oh right Megatron has a Matrix of Leadership I FORGOT ABOUT THAT

I ALSO FORGOT WHIRL WAS IN THIS SERIES, MY BABY.....

JETFIRE WATCH OUT YOU BIG NERD

“Rack ‘n Ruin and Ratchet” OH IS THIS GONNA BE A RATCHET EPISODE??? PLEASE?????? PLEASE SAY RATCHET EPISODE

Aw poor Rack n Ruin...

RATCHET BABY BOY!!! I forgot he was a New Yorker in this series lmao

“I LOVE Jetfire!”  “I know, me too!” CUTE....

I love that every continuity has Ratchet stuck with someone who annoys him in a ship

I love that Ratchet’s not even concerned

RATCHET’S DESIGN IN CYBERVERSE IS SO CUTE...

Wait UNSPACE???? Isn’t that where they sent a bunch of bad people????

Different Quantum Frequencies??? Dimensionally aligned??? MAN I LOVE THIS GOOFY SHOW

“It’s a blue-purple” CUTE....

UH OH HERE COMES ASTROTRAIN throwing dead-end??

I love that Astrotrain is so HUGE compared to everyone else, thank you Cyberverse for my life

“Every time..” LMAO GOSH THIS SHOW IS LITERALLY THE BEST someone please make a gif of that. I love that this implies that every time someone rides in Astrotrain they get ejected at 100 mph and skid 50 ft face-first, that’s such a delightful mental image. I think this 5 second scene is legitimately one of my favorite goofs / scenes in this show IT’S JUST THAT GOOD

You can tell I really enjoyed something when I make a meme of it

IT”S ILLEGAL TO BE THIS CUTE!!!!!!!!

OK IT’S LEGITIMATELY A LITTLE FRIGHTENING TO SEE HOW HUGE ASTROTRAIN IS WHEN IN ATTACK-MODE, HE SO EASILY PICKED THEM UP but that’s why it’s cool for him to be SO much bigger than they are, I LOVE BIG CYBERTRONIANS

LMAO I LOVE ASTROTRAIN he’s such a turd to DeadEnd

“Time to pay Ratchet a house-call. ‘Cuz he’s a doctor!” I almost snorted my drink up my nose, I LOVE THE DORKY HUMOR IN THIS SHOW

I swear this series was made with me in mind

TWO HEADS, NO BRAINCELLS

You wonder if Shadow Striker and Soundwave ever just rock-paper-scissor to see who has to deal with the latest Autobot bs that day

“And we don’t” OH SHOOT THEY’RE BEING LEFT OUT OF THE DECEPTICON’S PLANS TOO...This is more dire than I thought

Man I really do love Shadow Striker and Soundwave, they’re the only competent Decepticons

OH NO NOT RATCHET!!! NO!!!!!

Ohh so Astrotrain is still a triple changer in this series!! :O

WOW A SHOT TO THE HEAD REALLY DIDN”T DO ANYTHING HUH

REST IN PIECES DEADEND lmao he and Percy both have good survival stats it seems

NICE MOVES GRANDPA glad your hips still work lol

Oh good I’m glad they actually kept the purple thing

RIP Rack n Ruin

DEADEND YOU DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS

YEAHHHHH SHADOW STRIKER AND SOUNDWAVE!!!!!

“You’ve been told this area is off-limits” Oh shoot so Megatron really doesn’t trust them with this huh??? Must be some serious stuff they saw while universe-hopping

“Make us” SOUNDWAVE I WOULD DIE FOR YOU MY SASSY BOY

Love that he’s pissing off this dude who’s literally 4 times his height, love my son

Shadow Striker & Soundwave are Goth / Jock solidarity

Ratchet: Yeah yeah yeah I know Cuteeee

Wow they’re really not gonna help Shadow Striker and Soundwave????

THEY’RE LITERALLY JUST DOLL-SIZE IN HIS HANDS which is probably a not great reminder for Soundwave after that Dr. Tentacle Dude incident

Astrotrain: *bops their faces together* heehee Soundwave: BI Shadow Striker: >8(

JEEZ, BYE ASTROTRAIN

THE STYLE IS SO JARRING I LOVE IT!!! I LOVE UNSPACE AND HOW IT LOOKS (especially when contrasted with the regular drawing-style of the show. Really great artistic choice!)

Oh shoot so Astrotrain can just leave whenever huh

Aw what cute high fives, man this show has such good vibes

Episode 24  

NOOOO ONLY THREE EPISODES LEFT.....

:(((((

WINDLBADE!!!! I hope she’ll be ok

DID it work?? Wait you guys still have two frickin shards left, YOU”RE SO BAD AT THIS

A SHARK????? WTF

HE JUST PICKED HER UP AND DIPPED WTF WHO IS THAT

It’s not Skybyte obviously but he’s a shark too so WHO IS THAT

OHH IS THAT THE HALL OF RECORDS???? 

Wait wtf the Decepticons are attacking?? Oh wait RACK N RUIN DID YOU REALLY TELL THEM THAT

OH NO HE FROZE

WHOA  WHAT”S HAPPENING

WHAT OPTIMUS NO

WHAT”S HAPPENING!!!!! WTF

I WAS GONNA MAKE A BSOD JOKE BUT I TAKE IT ALL BACK OPTIMUS PLEASE BE OK YOU CAN’T DIE IN THIS SERIES

Is this referencing the other time when he glitched oh no....I knew that’d come back to bite us

In other news, I love that we’re learning more about the life and (cyber)biology of Cybertron, I’m so glad we got to have pretty much almost the entire series set on Cybertron

I MEAN JUST LOOK AT THAT!!! THAT’S SO COOL!!! This is the stuff I want to see in Transformers shows!!!

Hasbro could literally make a nature documentary set on Cybertron and I’d be ecstatic. Gimme more details about their world and architecture and city stuff

“Fellow Primes, why have I been summoned?” Oh shoot so the other past primes can just jack OP’s consciousness whenever??? That frickin sucks. I do love the Atlantis vibes I’m ge HOLY FRICK IS THAT MAC

AHHHHHHHH MACCADAM!!!!!!!!!!! GRANDPA!!!!!!! PLEASE GIVE OPTIMUS DAD ADVICE!!!!!! IM SO GLAD WE GET TO SEE HIM AGAIN

Chromia: Bee are you crazy?? Bee: YES! *jumps off the ship*

I love that this weird storm cloud area is basically like an ocean, that’s so cool

OH NO BEE!!!!!!!

Jeez that startled me, the shark sounds just like Bee

“Well you’re doing a scrap job” lmao Chromia please

Oh it’s the Argon Sea, it IS an ocean pft

“An ancient evil” hooo boy

BEE he’s so cute. Wait don’t just jump down a random hole AT LEAST WAIT FOR CHROMIA

CREEPY TENTACLE STUFF AGAIN, JEEZ CYBERVERSE

KICK HIS BUTT CHROMIA

Aw man, not you too Bee

MISTRESS OF FLAME!!!! I get so excited about every IDW reference haha, I love Caminus and I love that they’re letting that still exist

JEEZ THAT”S NOT CREEPY AT ALL

Is this a Titan???? IT IS A TITAN

It’s like a Cthulu titan huh

Chromia: That is THE creepiest thing I’ve ever heard THANK YOU CHROMIA, SAME THOUGHT

Chromia’s just like “This doesn’t even come close to my Top 10 list of BS I’ve had to deal with lately”

More weird smoke, oh great

JEEZ THAT’S A FREAKY TITAN

Me, crying softly: GAY RIGHTS....(and Bee). MAN THE FRIENSHIPS IN THIS SHOW ARE SO GREAT :’)

ALCHEMIST PRIME!!!!!!!!! I FRICKIN KNEW YOU WERE A PRIME

“But this is not about me” I WANNA KNOW MORE ABOUT YOU THOUGH

Wait why is a part of Windblade in Megatron’s Matrix

WHY WOULD THEY ALSO BE IN THE OTHER MATRIX oh they mean alt-universe them

It’s frickin HYSTERICAL that every time Optimus has some ~deep spiritual~ conversation with the past Primes he’s just standing there frozen while the Autobots wait for him to unfreeze like he’s some kind of ancient computer doing updates. Like, that’s legitimately one of the funniest pieces of information canon’s given us so far, thank you for my life Cyberverse writers.

I wonder if Arcee and the other bots ever take selfies with him while he’s frozen like that THERE’S SO MUCH POTENTIAL FOR COMEDY HERE

Optimus: *is frozen for a couple hours while talking to old Primes* Autobots: *put on PJs and unroll their sleeping bags so they can have a slumber party while waiting for him*

Heck now I’m just imagining them playing truth or dare or some similar game while waiting for Optimus to wake up. 

I’m sure at some point during their voyage on the Ark, Optimus froze and they all played the “who can do this silly / embarrassing thing in front of Optimus and get away with it before he wakes up” game. Like, Rodimus somersaults down the hall while spouting fire in front of Optimus, Bee does a handstand while singing the alphabet backwards, etc, and whoever’s in front of Optimus when he “wakes up” loses. (It’d be even funnier if Optimus kept pretending to be frozen while they played until someone did something REALLY embarrassing and he unfroze to freak them out. Then again, the Matrix going back into his chest would probably be too much of a giveaway huh)

OH NO I WAS SO CAUGHT UP IN THE EUPHORIA OF THIS IDEA I FORGOT THERE’S ONLY TOO EPISODES LEFT NOW....

Episode 25

I love Astrotrain’s design (both in bot-mode and his alt mode) because he just looks like a grumpy evil train and that makes me so happy.

Also RAIN!!! I love rain and this looks so pretty

LMAO ASTROTRAIN YOU’RE SUCH A TURD I had no opinion of him before this show but now I frickin love him

HE PULLED THE CHAIR OUT FROM UNDER HIM

“I HAVE HIS MATRIX” OH NO DID HE STEAL THIS FROM SHATTERED GLASS’ OPTIMUS OH FRICK

Megatron running like that while holding the Matrix in his hands reminds me so vividly of a younger sibling stealing their older sibling’s diary and fleeing at top-speed from said older sibling and that’s hilarious to me. Megatron is so petty

Dang, so that’s how his eye got messed up. Ngl it’s a good look

CYBER COWS!!!!

Wow that wall is so WEAK the Decepticons are so dumb lmao

Oh yeah they have a new furry on their team

Rodimus: Math isn’t my strong-suit.

Arcee: Especially me!  Arcee you are ADORABLE

OH SHOOT MEGATRON CAN TALK TO THE PAST PRIMES TOO...DANG

WINDBLADE!!! MAKE WINDBLADE A PRIME YOU COWARDS

Ok I know I said “Shattered-Glass Optimus” earlier but based on that spoiler some moron on Twitter posted, IT’S PROBABLY TARN...man I wish I hadn’t seen that spoiler but despite that IM STILL EXCITED

Makes you wonder how TARN got the Matrix though (not that I can’t guess 8( )

Oh my gosh I just realized we have the potential to see Windblade kick Tarn’s butt in this series. Cyberverse PLEASE, I’D LOVE TO SEE THAT

Ah so Astrotrain is the new scientist

Ur bugs are probably dead dude

LASERBEAK!!!!

RAVAGE??? Oh no that’s the furry dude MAN I GET SO EXCITED EVERY TIME, I KEEP FORGETTING

As much as I Die for loyal Soundwave, it’s really cool seeing him being his own character and acting on his own in this series and trusting his own judgement / surveillance! It’s so good. Soundwave you’re so smart (and I love that he loves Laserbeak :’) )

*SOBBING* CASE IN POINT...HE PET THE BABY..

OHOHO IT”S *THE* INSECTICONS

Oh shoot the Insecticons are deserting 

“No one can stop him. Not even you” dang son

“He doesn’t want us. He wants you” OH BOY

MY BABY WHIRL!!!! THAT’S MY BOY

SEEKERS!!! I forgot we still had a few who Starscream didn’t frickin kill

NICE JUMP-ATTACK OPTIMUS I love that he cuts the dude’s weapon in half meanwhile Grimlock just frickin eats the guy lmao. So much for Optimus’ mercy

FRICK FRICK FRICK IT IS TARN

OK TARN OBJECTIVELY SUCKS BUT AT THE SAME TIME I ACTUALLY DO LOVE HIM BECAUSE HOLY FRICK IS HE A DANGEROUS CHARACTER AND THERE’S SO MUCH TO PLAY WITH THERE, I CANT WAIT TO SEE HIM AND HOW THEY USE HIM FOR THE STORY AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dead End: Yeah, I see your point Lmao I love this guy

Everyone’s gonna frickin die in this series

OH NO WHIRL oh wait yeah he and Dead End know each other, Whirl’s fine

SOUNDWAVE CAN YOU AND SHADOW STRIKER CHILL FOR 2 SECONDS

I love Skybyte’s voice

WOW MEGATRON, YOU”RE ONLY PROTECTING HALF THE PLANET, JEEZ

OH SHOOT

OH SHOOT

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh so that’s why they had a wall, Megatron you turd

WHIRL NO!!!!!!! oh he’s fine thank goodness

Did Megatron get taller??? He looks taller than Optimus now

Just use Optimus’ matrix you big baby

“It’s time I called in that debt you owe me. Now it’s time for you to save me” I LEGITIMATELY SHRIEKED OUT LOUD, AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

THERE HE IS, THERE HE IS THERE HE IS!!!!!!!

SCREW PAST ME’S OPINION, TARN IS FRICKIN COOL AS HELL

OH SHOOT THERE’S A TON OF HIM WTF

WHERE’S THAT FRICKIN “THERE IT IS, THERE IT IS, THERE!!! IT!!! IS!!!” MEME BECAUSE THAT’S BEEN ME THIS ENTIRE EPISODE HOLY HECK

Episode 26

MORE PRIME NAMES!!! A) that’s very pretty B) LEGIT THOUGH IF WINDBLADE’S THE ONE WHO KICKS TARN’S BUTT I’LL GO APE

OH FRICK IF OPTIMUS IS THERE THEN TARN REALLY DID KILL HIM or it means he beefed it in that universe, as he usually does

“I wish I’d gotten to know you better” 8((((((

What happened to Alt!Universe Optimus!!!!!!! How did you die!!!

Windblade: Optimus, you’re speaking in riddles... Optimus: I always do, it comes with the job of Prime. Windblade: Oh right

“A perfect Decepticon race” HOO BOYZY.....

“All because I spared your life” MAN THAT HURTS

At least they aren’t attacking them right now?

HOW CAN THEY POSSIBLY RESOLVE THIS SERIES IN 10 MINUTES

ASTROTRAIN YOU COWARD not that I blame him, every bot for themself I guess

OH NO THE HURT PUPPY WHINE MAKES ME SO SAD

HELL YEAH SOUNDWAVE SAVE MY BABY BEE

I TAKE IT BACK TARN IS CANCELED, HE HIT SOUNDWAVE

*AND* HE GRABBED CHROMIA, YOU”RE CANCELED, ALL THESE CLONES ARE CANCELED

SOUNDWAVE IS THE ONLY VALID DECEPTICON

Optimus: Can’t keep-- Megatron: WE MUST! Me: *SOBS*

OPTIMUS AND MEGATRON BACK-TO-BACK FIGHTING AHHHHHHHHHH, IT”S THE LITTLE-THINGS

Definitely not the right time for this joke but: AU where instead of saying “Powers of Cybertron, unite!” they say “GAY RIGHTS” to activate their Matrix powers

Frick what if they kill MEGATRON in this series

HECK YEAH EVERYONE’S GETTING AN UPGRADE

Megatron: We must join our Matrixes together! Optimus: Now REALLY isn’t the best time for a marriage proposal Megatron: What Optimus: What

Thank you for telling Optimus to get down for once instead of just blasting him AND the Tarn-copies, Megatron

OH FRICK IT IS ALT-UNIVERSE MEGATRON NOT TARN WHO’S THE BIG BAD

I LEGIT STOPPED BREATHING DURING THIS ENTIRE SEQUENCE AHHHH

THIS IS INFINITELY BETTER (AND WORSE) THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

THAT MEANS ALT!UNIVERSE MEGATRON DID KILL OPTIMUS...MEANWHILE OUR UNIVERSE’S MEGATRON SPARED OPTIMUS...MAN THAT HURTS ME SO BAD

MEGATRON NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OPTIMUS SAVE HIM SAVE HIM PLEASE SOMEHOW SAVE HIM!!!!!

OPTIMUS LITERALLY FRICKIN RAN ACROSS THE ROOM TO CATCH HIM, MY HEART CAN’T TAKE THIS DRAMA

NO!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!! YOU CAN”T DO THIS TO ME CYBERVERSE

“Prime...one shall stand...one shall....” THIS IS THE SADDEST FRICKIN THING THAT”S HAPPENED IM LEGIT GONNA CRY, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Hold on...my friend...” IM GONNA BAWL MY EYES OUT OPTIMUS

I legit had to take a moment to get up and do a lap around my room while processing what happened LIKE OK I KNOW THEY PROBABLY (???) WON’T PERMA-KILL MEGATRON BUT FRICK DUDE THAT WAS SO EMOTIONAL

MEGAOP RIGHTS....BUT AT WHAT COST

What’s fricking me up rn (granted, several things are fricking me up right now) is that this universe’s Megatron knew he could’ve achieved his goals if he’d just killed Optimus. He said so himself; he could’ve had it all but he failed “all because I spared your [Optimus’] life”. Whatever he saw in that other universe convinced him that killing Optimus just wasn’t worth it (or perhaps, deep deep DEEP down, he really doesn’t want to kill his old friend).

I’m rewatching that last minute and this feels like a frickin fanfiction. I’m Living but also Dying

I KNOW THIS IS A VERY TENSE SCENE BUT MEGATRON’S “I won’t pay for anything!” MADE ME LAUGH

SOUNDWAVE STANDING BETWEEN SHADOW-STRIKER AND MEGATRON!!!!!!!!! STANDING UP TO MEGATRON!!!! SOBS I LOVE SOUNDWAVE SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT ALSO PLEASE BE CAREFUL MY SWEET BOY!!!!! IF YOU GET HURT ILL NEVER BE OVER IT

Two reasons he could’ve done that: to keep Shadow Striker from getting super pissed off and lashing out at this enemy who’s way above their level, or because the “jacked up Frankenstein experiment” thing is a sore subject for her and Soundwave recognizes that (and frankly I’m leaning toward option B because SOBS....I LOVE THEIR FRIENDSHIP)

GOTH FRIENDS!!!

OH OK THANK GOODNESS, MEGATRON ISN’T DEAD DEAD YET

Dang so Megatron did kill Optimus

OH NO WE’RE GETTING A FLASHBACK

FRICK THAT”S SO GRUESOME, HE JUST RIPPED OPTIMUS’ CHEST OPEN

YOU ALREADY KNOW THE MOST PERFECT DECEPTICON, HIS NAME IS SOUNDWAVE!!! YOU JUST DON’T APPRECIATE HIM YOU BIG BULLY

Oh shoot so the Quints came to that world too

DANG HE JUST WRECKED THEIR SHIP HUH....

I’m loving this throwback to the IDW design

WOW Y’ALL JUST IMMEDIATELY WENT “SURE WE’RE ONBOARD” (I mean, good way to stay alive but C’MON GUYS....)

“I have no need for any of you” WHOOPS SO MUCH FOR THAT should’ve seen that coming

THIS SUCKS SO BAD

NONONONO!!!! MEGATRON!!!!

HECK NOW HE HAS THE MATRIX

wow you guys really just let Megatron fall to the floor COME ON OPTIMUS WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR SMOOTH MOVES

NICE ONE BEE!!!!!!

YEAH WERE ARE ARCEE AND HOT ROD

FRICK YEAH WHIRL, MESS HIM UP!!!!!!!!!

YEAH SHADOW STRIKER!!!!!!

RATCHET PUNCHING TARN HELL YEAH!!!!!!!!!!

FRICK HE CAN JUST MATERIALIZE LIKE THAT TOO

WELL THAT DIDN’T LAST LONG

BEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“And now you will pay the price...for being a hero” DANG THAT”S A COOL LINE BUT DON’T HURT MY BOY

FRICK HIM UP OPTIMUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WINDBLADE NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO SAVE EVERYONE

YEAHHHH WINDBLADE!!!!!!!

Yeah don’t turn your back on the body please

YO Astrotrain came back

ASTROTRAIN THAT SOUNDS SO CREEPY AND ALSO THAT’S SUCH A BAD IDEA, JUST KILL HIM

I know this is a kid’s show but PLEASE DO SOMETHING TO MAKE SURE HE WON’T POP BACK UP IN A FEW YEARS WITH ANOTHER ARMY

IM GLAD WINDBLADE IS BACK AND IM LOVING THE HUG BUT DID MEGATRON LEGIT FRICKIN DIE????

WHAT!!! WHAT THAT CAN’T BE IT!?!?!? HOW COULD YOU END IT LIKE THAT NO!!!!!!! THAT WAS SO ABRUPT nO!!!!!!!!!! 

The last few episodes were such an adrenaline rush I CAN”T BELIEVE WE CAME DOWN FROM THAT HIGH SO QUICKLY....IS MEGATRON ALIVE??? KICKSTARTER TO FUND ONE MORE EPISODE???? SPARE ANOTHER EPISODE FOR A POOR FAN???

MAN I wish we could’ve stayed in the universe of this show for a little longer but dang!!! That was really really good!!! I’m so grateful we got to have such a wonderful series like Cyberverse! :’) Thank you to everyone who worked on this incredible show!!!

Man now I gotta wait for WfC for new Transformers content....at least I can look through the tag w/out getting spoiled now

A few more thoughts now that I’ve re-read my liveblog:

If Megatron could hop into the Matrix of Leadership he possessed, I wonder if he ever had a chance to talk to that universe’s Optimus Prime... :( based on what he said, probably not, but that makes me so sad!!!! Did they ever get the chance to work things out!!! IS MEGATRON ALIVE OR NOT.....

[ficdirectory]

Somewhere Inside (Disuphere series #4) Chapter 31

(To listen, click here) - 20:28

Levi comes out of the shower, exhausted enough to sleep for weeks.  Half-asleep, despite being up about an hour with Francesca, he makes his way downstairs again.  Skids to a halt in the kitchen.

A small mountain of peanut butter star cookies sit arranged carefully on a plate.  The plate’s real.  A green border and leaves printed around the rim.  He’s seen the plates a million times at Pearl’s.  They’d meant nothing.  But now, stacked with the cookies - these cookies - they mean…

“Hi, Levi!  Good to see you.  I have cookies in the kitchen.  Help yourself.”

Carla makes the best cookies.  She’s not usually smiling and nice to him, but she is now.  It’s only because his dad is here, but Levi doesn’t mind, because anytime she’s nice is better for him.  Sometimes when Dad’s back is turned, she looks at Levi mean.  But since she’s being nice now, Levi feels himself relaxing.

Smiling back.  

Walking to the kitchen.  

Finding that perfect stack of cookies and staring at it before picking out the very best one.  Eating the chocolate star first.  Then the cookie.  The sweet and salty tastes the best.  It doesn’t even matter that Pearl’s mom and his dad are fighting in the other room.

“What do you take me for?”

“What are you talking about?”

“She’s not here.  Again.  You gave me your word, Carla.”

“I can’t help what she does, Paris.  She’s 28 years old.  She’s an adult.  I told her you were coming, and she left.  Not my problem.”

Levi remembers thinking seriously about taking a second cookie when Dad’s cell phone rings.  Work, probably.  In seconds, Levi knows he has to leave.  Levi comes back, cookieless and walks to the front door for his shoes.

“Come on, Levi.  We gotta go.  I gotta drop you off at your cousin’s and check on Mom.  The alarm’s going off at Grandma Major’s.”  Dad’s in a hurry, down the stairs.  Levi can’t find his other shoe.  “Levi, hustle, bud.  We gotta go.”

“I can watch him,” Carla offers.  “Paris, you can go, check things out, and come back here to pick Levi up.  We’ll find his shoe in the meantime.”

“No, I can’t impose on you…” Dad says, shaking his head.

Levi’s looking so hard for his other shoe but it’s just like it vanished off the world.

“Paris, I’ve been a mother for 28 years…” Carla tries again.

Dad turns to Levi.  “I’ll be back in 5 minutes.  You be out front.  Shoes on.”

“I’ll come!” Levi insists.

“You stay here.  I’ll make sure Mom’s fine, and I’ll come right back and get you. Alright.  Listen to Carla.  Don’t be underfoot.”

“Okay.” Levi pouts.

When Dad opens the front door, Levi finds his other shoe, squished between the two doors.  He takes both and carries them with him.  But Levi knows better than to ask again about going with his dad.  Better just to listen.

He follows his dad out, barefoot, and waves at him as he backs out of the driveway.  He’ll just sit out here and wait.  Dad’ll be back and then they can just go home.  He swings his feet over the side of the steps.  Sees the hose coiled up.  Turns the knob.  Water runs out.  Making the dirt there into squishy cold mud.  He sinks his feet in.  It feels awesome.  So smooth.

But pretty soon, the hose dripping makes Levi have to pee.  So, he ditches it and runs inside.  It’s not until he’s all done, and is walking back to the sink to wash his hands that he sees the mess.  The muddy prints he tracked in.

“Are you serious?  This is fucking unbelievable,” Carla swears, bursting in the door of the bathroom and finding Levi, mud up to his knees.  On the butt of his jeans.  Because he had been sure it would feel good to sit in, too.  “Of course, fucking Paris says 5 minutes but just like that it’ll be a two-hour ordeal…” Carla mutters under her breath.  “Just great…”

Levi closes his eyes before his mind can finish out the memory.  Her coming at him.  Ripping down his jeans.  His boxers.  Making him step out of them.  And then into the tub.  And then…

He blinks at Pearl.  She has the same plates as her mom.  Maybe she even got them from her.

He can’t speak.  But he thinks about Francesca’s advice earlier: “Ask, don’t run.”

“What’s this?” he asks, and Pearl turns from where she’s washing her hands at the kitchen sink.

“Oh.  Peanut butter star cookies.  Go ahead and help yourself,” she smiles.

Levi feels his jaw clench.  He’s not eating a damn cookie.  “Why did you do this?” he insists, growling the question.

“What’s your problem?” Pearl asks, drying her hands.  “I made them last night when you went missing temporarily for, like, 12 hours.  To keep from losing my mind.”

“So, it’s my fault?” he asks, tense.

“I didn’t know it was a crime to bake cookies…  Sorry…” Pearl says, dismissive.

“Why did you bake these, Pearl?!” Levi shouts.

“Jeez, I mean, I know you said you were Te Ka... but you weren’t kidding, were you?” Pearl jokes.

“Stop,” he begs.  “Just answer me!”  He sweeps the plate of cookies onto the floor.  The plate, somehow, doesn’t break.

Behind him, Levi’s vaguely aware of Dominique speaking lowly to Francesca.  Of both of them vacating.  Going outside.  Levi hopes Carla’s not out there.

“Okay, wow, Levi.  Whatever your deal is?  You don’t need to take it out on the cookies.  Pick them up.”

Levi’s squatting to do just that before he even knows it.  The smell of the cookies brings him right back to Carla’s kitchen nine years ago.  And the knowledge that if there’s a mess he’s responsible for?  He’d better clean it ASAP.

“Pearl,” Levi hears Jesus now, behind him.

“What?” she snaps.  Arms crossed.

“He’s obviously triggered right now.  By the cookies.  Making him pick them up is only making it worse.  Take them back next door.  Come on.”

“He’s not triggered,” Pearl denies.  “He’s just mad I brought up last night…”

“Look at him,” Jesus invites, gesturing to Levi, still hunched on the floor, trying to pick up the cookies with shaking hands.  “He’s not okay.”

“Okay, but how do you know it’s the cookies?” Pearl insists.

“I told you!  You know because I told you!  You believe me!” Levi screams but it’s all in his head.  He can’t say anything.

“Because he told you,” Mariana says coming up next to Levi.  “He asked you about the cookies.”

“Oh, please.  I didn’t mean it like that, obviously.  I was trying to be nice.  Since when is offering someone cookies this big a deal?” Pearl complains.

“Levi, come on.  You don’t need to do this,” Mariana encourages.  She offers him apple hand sanitizer.  

Levi pours it on.  Hopes it will mask the smell.

“Let’s go out back,” Mariana urges.  

Levi feels like he is moving through molasses.  

They get to the sliding door just as Jesus says: “You need to hear me, Pearl.  I know all about this.”

Levi sees Jesus step forward.  Sees Pearl back into a wall.  Cleo barks.

The door closes.

--

Pearl hasn’t seen anybody step toward her like this since years ago.  When another young guy had one thought on his mind.

“Pearl.  Hey.  It’s me.  It’s Jesus.”  He backs up.  Finds a chair.  Sits.  “I’m sorry I scared you.  I’m not gonna hurt you.”

“Your voice…was intense…”  she ventures.

“Yeah, it does that sometimes.  When I’m frustrated.  I get that you’re having a hard time now, too.  But can you please sit down?  Can we talk about this?”

“I didn’t do anything, Jesus.  I didn’t harm him on purpose!  I would never!  So why is he so upset?” she asks, shaking off her fear.  She pulls out a chair across from Jesus, still a bit watchful.

He waits.

“Well?” she asks.

“I’m waiting.”

“For what, exactly?” Pearl wonders, irritated.

“For you to realize this isn’t you and me hanging out.  This isn’t the time I’m going to join you in venting about how annoying little bros are.  Because this is something way more important.” Jesus explains.

Pearl takes a breath.  Lets it out.  “Okay.  How so?”

“It doesn’t matter if you didn’t mean to trigger Levi.  The fact is, you did.  I didn’t mean to trigger you just now either, but it happened.  It happens,” Jesus stresses each word.  

“Point taken.  So, I shouldn’t have made it into a personal attack, I guess.” Pearl admits.

“Do you remember what I did?  When I triggered you by stepping forward?” Jesus checks.

“Just now?” Pearl asks.

He nods.

She tries to think back.  “You...identified yourself.  You backed off.  You sat.”

“I also apologized.  Told you I wasn’t gonna hurt you.  Especially in those moments, we need to hear the words.  Because the goal when we’re triggered?  The very first goal is to take down the fear level.  It doesn’t matter that I know I’m not that asshole that hurt you.  That I would never.  That doesn’t entitle me to keep coming at you, does it?  Because I didn’t mean it to come off as threatening?”

“No, because it did.” Pearl answers.  “It doesn’t matter if you didn’t mean to be threatening, I took it that way.”

“Levi took the cookies that way,” Jesus responds gently.  

Pearl wipes her eyes.  “But...cookies?  Really?” she asks, incredulous.

“For me, it’s Ramen noodles.  Pizza.  Fast food.”  

Pearl listens, raising her eyebrows.

“I love cookies, personally.” Jesus goes on.  “So do Mari, Dom and Frankie.  We’ll be happy to help you eat them.  But you saw Levi’s reaction, Pearl.”

“Yeah, he was pissed…” she says, not willing to fully let herself feel the sting of the hurt she inflicted.

“He was terrified.” Jesus clarifies.  “I know, because it looks like that on me, too.”

“But I didn’t know.  He never told me.  I mean, what could have happened to Levi that would make him terrified of cookies?”

“When you have a trauma response in public and someone random asks you about it, what do you say?” Jesus asks, patient.

“Nothing.  It’s none of their--  Oh.  But we’re family…  Doesn’t that...I don’t know...change something?”

“Does being family change the fact that Levi deserves to have his boundaries and his privacy respected?”

Pearl cringes.  “You sound like a wise old sage.  I sound like a terrible person.  Oh, God, I sound just like my mom.”

“But you’re not her.  Because we would not have made friends with your mother.  Trust me.  Seven years of trauma therapy and survivor support groups for the last three?  They teach you a few things.”

“I miss your therapist…” Pearl says sadly.  “She was the best.”

“Dr. Hitchens?  Yeah, she was awesome.  She sends me Christmas cards still.”

“Aw…” Pearl smiles.

“Listen.  What do you wanna do about Levi?”

“Find him and hug the crap out of him.  And apologize.” Pearl decides, sighing.

“What about the cookies?” Jesus asks.

“Will you guys take them?” Pearl wants to know.

“Sure.  We’ve got giant Ziplocs with us.  I’ll give you one to pack them up in.”

“Thanks, Jesus, you’re the best.”

“Thanks for not shutting down.  And I am sorry for scaring you.”

“I know.” Pearl nods.  Then she bends and begins picking up the rest of the cookies and the plate from the floor.

--

Mariana walks with Levi a long time, hoping it will help diffuse some of his extra energy.

They make a couple full laps around the cabin - Levi, even in his state - offers Mari a hand to hold.   And when Levi walks down the dock, he doesn’t forget about her.  He steadies her.  They go slow.

They finally gets to the big white chair.  She holds onto the arm.  “Can I sit?  This thing keeps moving,” she nods at the dock.

Levi nods.

Mariana all but collapses into the chair.

“Why would she do that?” Levi asks, his voice even more destroyed than it was this morning.  The extra yelling probably hasn’t helped.

“I don’t know,” Mariana answers honestly.  “Sometimes sisters are jerks.”

“You’re not.  Francesca’s not,” Levi points out.

“No, but we have a sister named Callie,” Mariana jokes, “and she’s kinda…  No, I’m kidding.  But my point is.  Family can hurt each other.  Sometimes, worse than other people.  Because they know where you’re weak.”

“Pearl didn’t…” Levi says, his voice cutting.

“No, and sometimes they hurt you on accident and are stubborn about it.  That happens, too.” Mariana offers.  

“She was just trying to be nice…  God, I’m so terrible.  I am the freakin’ scary demon, just like Pearl said…” Levi moans.

“Hey.  No, you’re not.  She was trying to be nice, but did it feel nice?”

Levi shakes his head.

“So, for her not to back off, answer your questions and let it go…  I don’t know.  That makes her...culpable.”

“Guilty?” he guesses.

Mariana nods.  “She was wrong here.  People make mistakes.”

“Yeah, they do,” Levi sighs.

“But Jesus is talking to her.” Mariana reassures.

“Yeah, I notice he does that…” Levi comments.  It’s dark.

“What?” Mariana asks.

“Pearl listens to him.  She doesn’t take me seriously, but she does him.  It sucks.” Levi complains.

“Jesus...he does this with pretty much all of us.  Whenever he knows about our moms  saying something crappy to me, he doesn’t let it slide.  He talks to them.  They come around.  He’s advocating.  Trying to get the people around us to treat us with respect.”

“Yeah, but when your own sister can’t just do it?  Feels pretty crappy.  God, I still smell those stupid cookies on me.”  Levi shudders.

Silently, Mariana offers more hand sanitizer.

“Hey, is there room for more?” Dominique calls.

“Yeah, are you done yelling?” Francesca wants to know.

“Maybe give us a minute?” Mariana calls back, taking a look at Levi.

“God, I’m so gross…” he’s muttering.  “I’m so gross.”

Mariana knows there’s nothing to say to a feeling like this.  So she just sits.  Lets him squeeze out massive amounts of hand sanitizer and rub it in, until she feels dizzy from the thick scent of apples.  Until she doesn’t smell peanut butter at all.

--

Pearl steps outside and finds Francesca at the picnic table, trying to get a signal to text Levi.

“Where is he?” Pearl wonders.

“Down on the dock with Mari.” Francesca says, distracted, as Dominique snaps pictures.

“Thanks.”

“Get rid of the cookies,” Dominique calls at Pearl’s back.

“Done,” Pearl replies, willing her voice to be calm.  Not defensive.  She does not have to be like her mother who never apologizes.  She can make different choices.  Be a better human being.

She hesitates just before stepping on the dock, remembering Jesus’s words about boundaries.

“Levi?  I don’t have any cookies, I promise.  Can I come and talk to you, please?”

Pearl’s confused when she sees Mariana making her way toward her, hanging onto Levi’s arm and then calling Pearl out for a hand as Levi retreats.  

“He said yes.  Asked me to give you guys time,” Mariana explains once she’s safely on the grass.

“Okay.” Pearl answers.  She walks confidently out onto the dock.  She might be the only swimmer in this bunch.  Ironic since it’s a known fact that Pearl took a header off this very dock as a toddler.

She makes it to the chair.  “Can I sit?”

He nods, not looking at her.

“I’m sorry.  For not listening to you.  For not answering your questions.  For scaring you.”

Levi ignores her.

“Fine, I guess I deserve the silent treatment.  It’s not the first time I’ve messed up by you.”

“Why isn’t my word enough?” he asks.  His voice is hoarse.  He keeps clearing his throat.  “When I was...you know...in there...and you just...kept dismissing me.  Why did you do that?”

“I guess I honestly wasn’t expecting you to have that reaction.  And maybe that surprise kinda wedged me into my own perspective.  So I couldn’t hear yours.  I was stubborn.  There’s no excuse.”

“I know,” Levi comments softly, after a pause.

“You what?” Pearl wonders, caught off guard.  “You know what?”

“What happened to you,” he shares.  “It’s why I came out here.”

“Because you knew I was raped?” Pearl asks, incredulous.

Levi nods.

“Okay.  So, you moved in with me because people are gossips?” Pearl tries to understand.

“No.  I moved in with you because...you know.  How it feels.  Like you said before?  When you called me your scary demon?  You know how it feels...to have something change you...like that changed you.”

“Are you saying...someone hurt you...like Jared hurt me?” Pearl blinks.

“Not exactly,” Levi swallows.  “But, yeah, kinda…”

Pearl can feel her heart sink to her toes.  But she tries to breathe.  To do for him what she always hopes people will do for her and just listen.

“I’m sorry,” she says quietly.

“I feel like...I need to tell you more about it...but I can’t right now.  Is that okay?” Levi asks, looking at Pearl for the first time.  She always thought his eyes were reflecting her pain.  She had never known he was carrying so much of his own.

“You can tell me whatever you need to.  Whenever you need to.” Pearl says, willing her voice to be steady.

“I mean...I guess there’s not exactly a better time.  But...I know this weekend is hard for you already.  And I’m scared you won’t believe me.  And I’m scared you will...” Levi rambles.

“Hey.  You don’t need to keep your pain in to spare me,” Pearl tells him.  God, she wants to hold him.  But now doesn’t seem like the right time.

“It’s just...you know the person...really well…” Levi ventures.  

Pearl wracks her brain.  She cannot name a single person in her life whom she would say she knows “really well.”  Jared would not qualify.  Who else would hurt her brother?

“Okay…” she ventures.

“And if I tell you...I don’t want you to, like, do anything, please?  Don’t go confront them.  Don’t tell them you know.”

“I won’t.  If you don’t want me to, I won’t,” Pearl promises.

“Just believe me?  And don’t be mad?” he checks.

“Right.  I’ll just believe you, and I won’t be mad.”  Pearl’s heart aches at how thorough he is being.  How thorough he feels like he must be.  To disclose to her.

“It’s just...those cookies...your mom used to bake them...and…” he trails off, while the gears of Pearl’s brain grind against this information - what Levi’s saying - by what he isn’t saying.

“She hurt you,” Pearl comments quietly.  “Levi…  God…  I am so sorry…”

“It’s fine, I mean.  It was a long time ago….I just...  Then we moved back up here, and I saw her all the time.”

“No, I understand.  I do.  I won’t tell anyone.” Pearl promises.

“Dominique and Jesus know.  Because of Wednesday...”

“Right.  Wednesday.” Pearl comments grimly.  “Wait.  Did she…  She didn’t hurt you again, did she?”

“No.  Just scared me,” Levi shares, quiet.

Instead of reeling, Pearl finds herself stoically accepting this piece of truth Levi has divulged.  Pearl hates to admit it, but it fits.  Her mother wears a charming face for the public.  People love her.  But she has never been warm.  And years ago, she actually blamed Pearl for being raped.

“I know she’s your mom.  And I have no right to tell you not to see her.  I’m just saying I don’t want to.” Levi explains, apologetic.

“Levi, I’m on your side.  As far as I’m concerned?  I’m never speaking to her again.  And I am so sorry I scared you with her awful cookies…”

“They were actually really good.  That’s the terrible part,” Levi admits.  His voice sounds hollow.  “I never saw it coming.”

“I didn’t either,” Pearl admits.

“Do you want me to leave?” he asks, timid.

“No,” Pearl says around a lump in her throat.

“I hate everything,” Levi comments quietly.  “Right now?  I kinda hate everything…”

“You’re in good company.  I’m well-acquainted with that feeling.” Pearl smiles sadly.

“Did I ruin you?  Your image of your mom?” Levi asks carefully.

“No.  You showed me what was really there,” Pearl breathes in deeply.  Blows it out.

Her little brother’s been horrifically abused by her own mother.  She has no parents.  He has no father.  

But maybe they still have each other.

[rarestnicole]

I know I that I should stop typing my thoughts at 3 AM 'cause I always end up sleeping at 5 AM. Well, I dunno. The senseful things come to me at this hour eh. LOL. And hey, it's just 2:32 AM, I still have time to type before 3 AM. So, I should start.

I was tagged in a post of my dear friend, Marry Joy. It was actually a shared post, tapos t-in-ag niya ako. And guess what? Ah, whatever. Even if you don't guess, I'd still type it anyway--whatever. Three letters; U, P, K. Yep!

Hay.

Her caption. Well, that's true. We dreamed of being a UP student. Hahaha. Ang sarap kayang mangarap! Ang hirap lang talaga tuparin. Well, as for me, I had chances that I chose to ignore. Alam ko kasi that it may not be what God is planning for me. My tries might be futile kasi all along, hindi ako para doon. Sa school, ha. Pero Lord, sa taga-UP, pwede po ba? Hahaha. Eeey, Anne Nicole, this one's not for that. Focus kasi, saan saan ka naman nakakarating ulit eh. Tsk.

So, UPK.

*sigh*

Amazing.

Hanggang ngayon, amazed pa rin ako. Wth, right? Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala. LOL.

Tiningnan ko 'yong mga notes ko sa Google Keep ko nung July 2017. Hahahaha. Ah, inabangan ko pala at tinandaan ang mga names nila. MALAMANG, mga Kuya at Ate eh. Magandang experience kasi kaya tatandaan ko talaga. Hahahahaha. Weird lang eh. Puro mga names lang ng mga Kuya ang nilagay ko sa Keep.

"Ewan ko sa'yo."

Ewan ko talaga sa'kin. Hahaha. Ang pinunta ko naman talaga doon is to experience that KF kasi hindi nga ako madalas payagan ni Mommy na sumama sa mga ganun. Ewan ko ba pero hindi naman ako prinsesa, ayaw lang talaga niyang mawalay ako sa piling niya ng napakatagal. Aaaawww, you Mommy, ha! You! Jeez, Mom. HAHAHA. Joke lang. Hindi rin talaga ako interested masiyado. March 2017, may SSG Training kami dapat. I wanted to go, ayaw lang ni Mommy. But I just shrugged and agreed. Okay lang, nakapag-SPG Training naman na 'ko sa Looc nung grade 6 ako. And Representative lang naman ako, kaya na nilang itayo ang bandera ng Sta. Fe doon. Haha. And nalaman ko sa pag-uwi nila na may ginawa silang kahihiyan dun. Hahahaha. Yikes, if I was there, hindi ako masasali kasi hindi naman ako lumalabas ng kwarto. Haha. Kinausap daw ng teacher na kasama ng officers ng SFNHS ang mga students ng ibang school ng lasing. Sir, ilam sa imo. Gosh, 'yong mga sinabi naman ni Sir eh. 😂 No regrets about my decision.

Sa UPK, iba eh. Mom, I should go. Pinapatugtog ko pa nun lagi ang mga kanta ni Mandy Moore kaya kapag pinapakinggan ko ngayon ang Someday We'll Know, feeling ko nandoon ulit ako while wearing a pair of jogging pants kasi I didn't bring any shorts. No way in hell.

Tapos nagsimula na pala ang Day 1.

KA. LO. KA. Naalala ko ang about sa jokes. Damn, hindi ko alam kung tatawanan ko na lang ba tapos pilit ko na lang itatago ang pag-cringe ko dahil sa poor delivery o kakaawan ko kasi, "Fre naman! Umupo ka na lang sana at nanahimik tulad ko," o 'di naman kaya ay hahanga sa guts niya. Well, Nyx, at least they have the guts. Duh! Waley pa rin. Hiyang hiyang hiyang hiya na talaga ako nung may nag-entry galing sa school namin tapos 'yong teacher namin, pinipilit kaming suportahan. Okay, I understand naman na schoolmate eh kaya dapat suportahan. Pero SIR, kung hindi ako natawa sa joke, pwedeng manahimik na lang ako. Baka masamid pa ako sa fake laugh. Damn, I did well when I sticked to my principles. May kumanta pa! Gusto ko 'yong guts ni koya pero ang lyrics, no-no. He sang something so popular na kahit hindi ko pakinggan from my phone araw araw ay masasaulo ko because it's played every freaking where. And sorry kung I sound like a proud jerk at ang OA ko naman kasi kailangan talagang ganito, but saulo ko na ang song and its sharps and flats.kaya ang disturbing lang kapag hindi niya nahi-hit ang note. When you sing a song, 'yong bagay dapat sa boses mo. Hindi lang 'yong popular, 'yan ang natutunan ko through my experiences. Haha. Whatever. Pa-cute pa ng pa-cute sa stage. Yikes, thank God hindi ako naa-attract sa itsura lang. I'd leave my body and wander as a soul if ganun. Haha. Kidding.

Ah, maja. The hosts. Magagaling sila, the best. HAHAHA. Magagaling magsalita. Aaaw, 🎶 take me back, back, back 🎶. They're cool. May kamukha ang isa eh. Hmm, tsk tsk. He looks like someone that I might end up with in the future. HAHAHA. Ano ba 'to. And this, self, is the very reason why you should type your thoughts at night and not during the *dawn*. Tulog na lang nga ako. 😂 Dami kong alam eh. Pagalitan pa ako nun, patay na. Bye, bye, Anne Nicole na naman. Tss. Nakaka-trauma kaya mapagsabihan ng taong gusto mo. Feeling ko tuloy kailangan ko muna maging perfect para hindi na ako magkamali. Huhuhu. You're so uptight, eh ang chill ko pa naman din. Pwedeng chill ka lang rin? Tssssss! I want to talk to you pa naman. TSS!

I wish I could stop... but I just couldn't. Charot. I'll stop.

I'll stop talking and continue with what happened. Matitinong mga pangyayari.

Wait lang.

Nakalimutan ko na ang mga matinong nangyari. :>

Ah. Nagka-crush ko doon eh. (#AngTino) The f. (Tingnan mo 'tong gusto rawng matuto pero crush ang pinagtuunan ng pansin. Wala talagang hiya.) So ayun nga, first night yata 'yon? Eh magbabasa nga kasi sila ng notes from us. Eh ang supportive ng mga schoolmates ko, wooh, cheers for the best pals in school! Yeah. Char. Edi nagsulat din ako. Hahahaha. Sila nag-provide (yata) ng masusulatan at panulat, sila rin ang nagbigay, pero ako ang nagsulat. Thank God, sa maayos ko pong penmanship. Nabasa naman. Pagkatapos nilang ibigay, humiga na ako sa kinauupuan ko para makinig... while recording it sa phone ko. Eh, crush ko nga kasi at babasahin ang note ko! Ba't ba kasiiii?! Kailangan kasi ng remembrance eh! Proof pa para maalala ko na nangyari nga at hindi ilusyon! At bakit ba! Binabasa. Kasi. Ang. Note. Ko. Why baaa? Twice yata akong nagbigay eh. (Walangya ka talaga, akala ko ba UP ang ipinunta? Ba't biglang naging 'taga-UP'?) Daw buang gid takon kato. Pero kalma kalma lang, baka tumaas ang energy ko bigla at lakarin ko pauwi ang Santa Fe. Kalma lang, ayaw ko pa umuwi.

Eh dahil crush ko nga, syempre tinitingnan ko. (Bwisit ko talaga, Salvador.) Hahahaha. Nakakahiyang nilalang. Papa, Mama at Mommy, hindi niyo po alam ito dahil dapat lang naman talaga, ayaw kong matakwil 'no. Hapon ng second day, nakikinig ako sa speaker nang bigla akong hipan ni Hypnos at antukin. Alipin pa naman ako ng antok ko. Haha. At kasi, nakakahiya namang humiga doon habang nagsasalita, (wait, parang mas nakakahiya ang pag-alis namin habang may nagsasalita. Pero malay naman nila, baka nakinig kami mula sa kwarto kaysa naman makita talaga nilang natutulog ako.) Natulog po ako sa room namin. Hanggang alas cinco. Yes, I missed a lot at nagsisi naman ako nung nalaman ko kung ano. SAYANG NAMAN, SALVADOR. Hindi ka na sana gumising. Tssss!!! Eh photo collage contest na, I have to watch. Nakakahiya naman na natulog lang ako, so naisip kong suportahan na ang mga ka-batch ko at ibang besties: sina Rene, Apple, Jarene, Danielle at Marvin yata. Can't remember na. Pumunta ako sa room kung saan sila gumagawa AND TO MY GREAT SURPRISE, nandoon ang crush ko. Edi hindi na ako umalis? Yep, maliban na lang nung inutusan kami dalawa ni Aaron, siya kasi kasa-kasama ko nun. Mabuti at naligo ako pagkagising ko. Amazeballs, galing mo Nyx. Iyan ang gusto ko sa'yo; kapag mukha kang ewan ay naliligo ka. At mabuti na lang at nagpalit ako ng damit dahil naka-white top ako na off shoulder, eh umuulan at hindi yata ako naka-high waist pants. (Push mo 'yan.) So nagpalit ako.

Ang creepy ko kaya magka-crush! Hahahaha. Kapag gusto ko, gusto ko talaga. Nakakahiya. Syempre nga kasi aalis naman kami agad, at hindi ko na ulit makikita ang crush ko (huhu, bye my darling dear, charot hahaha), at hindi kasi nanuod ang ibang schoolmates ko sa games nung 2nd night, kaya ni-record ko na lang. Ah, I'm such a thoughtful schoolmate. Dapat in-award-an ako niyan nung graduation eh. Tss, hindi marunong mag-appreciate. Anyway, nag-video nga ako pero 'yong sakto lang. Hindi naman siguro nahalata ng mga sumasayaw sa stage na vi-nideohan ko sila, ano? Pakialam ba nila, eh todo sayaw na sila ng Gimme Gimme, kawawa naman ang stage. Feeling ko na-harass dahil sa moves nila. Gosh, my innocence.

Ang dami ko kayang remembrance noon.

Kaso binura ko na eh. :‹ (bitter mo kasi)

Okay lang.

Nilipat ko naman kasi sa flash drive kaya binura ko sa phone. Heller! Sayang ang effort ko nun 'no! Tapos, ide-delete ko lang? Oh my gosh, no. 😂 Nilipat ko kasi lahat sa flash drive kaya binura ko na sa phone memory.

So I stalked my crush nung bumalik na kami sa room. The f, ang bagal ng internet sa Odiongan nun, gusto ko nang umuwi para lang mag-Facebook. Free data na 'yon ha, kasi nga ang bagal rin kahit may data. Hala freeeeee! I found it. His account. Oh my god, I'm so brilliant. #ProudMoment07'17 My gooooooooods, engineering ang course. Aaaw, magaling sa Math. Zero balance pa naman ako sa Math. (Kidding! Medyo mabilis naman ako mag-compute ng addition at subtraction at multiplication at division mentally. Hehe. Oo, proud na ako dun kasi why not? Eh sa 'yon na ang best ko eh. Ba't ba. Haha. Sa lahi daw ng Asis ang magaling sa Math, kaso dahil sa apo na ako, medyo malayo na sa Asis kaya ang mga basic lang ang kaya ko.) Wow lang, bakit ka po Engineering? Huhuhu. Wala kang kaalam-alam pero pinagpipiyestahan ko na ang infos mo sa Facebook at tuwang tuwa pa ako. (katakot 'to) I was like, "Wow." (wow, hindi jeje HAHAHAHAHA hindi naman siya mukhang ganun pero kasi 'di ba, Hey Stephen, Taylor knows that looks can be deceiving but she thinks she saw a light in you.)

Ah, ilang beses ba akong nagpa-picture? HAHAHAHAHA. I'm so humiliating. Eh kasi naman, remembrance kasi fre eh.

Kailan nga kami umuwi? July 24 yata. Since that day, nagkaroon na ng password ang cellphone ko. Hahahaha. At, sobrang low ng brightness, feeling ko wala na akong nakita sa phone. 😂 Whatever. May nabasa kasi ako noon sa Wattpad na one shot ni ate Rayne Mariano eh. 15 Days. Yep. Naniwala ako doon. Hahaha. Eh kasi bata pa ako noon, mga 17. Hahaha. Whatever.

Hindi na natanggal ang password ko ever since that day. Wala naman talaga akong tinatago sa phone ko. 15 days ko lang naman sana ilalagay ang lock. Kaso nakita naman agad nila ang tinatago ko kaya I shrugged the idea off na lang. Bahala na nga, yago ran basi gani nagpinati takon man. Hay nako.

Hala, parang nainis pa nga nun 'yong crush ko kasi, ba't ba 'ko pa-picture ng pa-picture?! Mukha lang akong tanga. Whatever, wala kang alam. Hmp. 😂 Ay, suplado. HAHAHA. Kuya, don't be mad na. I just want a remembrance kasi. You don't know me naman kaya mainis ka lang, you still look cute anyway. Go lang. Hahaha. Doon sa remembrance, mukha akong tanga. I don't like my smile talaga, ugh. I look stupid. Kuya, don't be mad na, you won't see me again (you wish). Kuya... this is the last day. Huhuhu. Pagbigyan mo na 'ko. Ayaw ko pa umuwi nun. :3 Seyeng.

I think I'm pretty blessed. He read my notes, pinayagan niya akong magpa-picture sa kanya, may empty chairs sa malapit sa table nila na feeling ko, sinadya ni Lord. You po Lord haaa~. Hmm. 😂

So patalon-talon akong pumunta sa harap ng kwarto namin para sumakay sa jeep 'cause we're going home. :{ Hindi matanggal ang ngiti ko pauwi. HAHAHAHAHA. Tapos biglang, sino nga ulit si JP Caras? 😂

Nung umuwi na kami :‹, nag-internet agad ako. Hooοh, feeling ko napagkaitan ako ng rights to open my social media accounts at ng chance to, um... hehe, stalk. Like hello! Why naman, Odiongan? So, Facebook, Twitter at Instagram. Yes, stalker mode. Yuck, creepy. (ikr, but idc :›) Hindi lang naman kasi siya ang stinalk ko. Some Ates and Kuyas, tiningnan ko lang naman eh. :3 Sa totoo lang, hindi naman ako ganun ka-active sa Twitter eh. Minsan lang, nakakalimutan ko kasi na may account ako at ang password ko. Trivia: Tuwing bubuksan ko ang accounts ko, nagpapalit ako ng password. Haha. I am no Mnemosyne's daughter, alright? She must've hated me. :< Grabe naman po ang nangyari sa memory ko. Huhu.

Tutuloy ko 'to bukas dahil mag-aalas cuatro na. 3:47 AM, ‹061618›

Tsk. I won't edit this. :p

ΔItinuloy noong ika-27 ng Hunyo, taong 2018, 14:41Δ

Yep, ngayon ko lang naituloy. Hahaha.

Hindi nga ako ganun ka-active sa Twitter pero kapag nandun ako, tweet talaga ako ng tweet. Kahit ano ang nasa isip ko, tweet. I like typing my thoughts nga 'di ba, at wala naman talagang nagpi-pay ng attention sa kung anu-anong itu-tweet ko kaya pakawala talaga ako doon. Haha. Sana naman wala akong masamang sinabi sa kung sino doon. Hindi ko na kasi maalala tweets ko eh. Hahaha.

Hala, paano ko nga ulit nalaman kung may Twitter siya? Hahaha. I can't remembeeeer. Basta hinanap ko yata silang lahat (yata ulit). And I found his. Waaah~ He's so admirable. Huhuhu. I don't like the color of his shirt sa DP niya noon pero okay lang. Hahahaha. Stalker much? Ang pangit ng stalker. Tss. Fan na lang kaya? Fan? HAHA. Para kang tanga, Nyx. Go pa. 😂 what! ever!

Syempre f-in-ollow ko na. Okay lang, hindi naman niya ako kilala. Imposible, sabi ko pa. In-add ko sa Facebook kasi gusto ko lang naman siyang maging friend kahit sa FB lang at hindi naman ako harmful. Hahahaha. Naisip ko nga noon na baka hindi naman niya ia-accept, pero okay lang ica-cancel ko na lang after a week. 😂 Pero hindi ko na f-in-ollow sa Instagram, baka naman makahalata siya. Nung in-accept na niya ang FR ko sa FB, rejoice! Rejoice ng lantaran sa harap ng mga pamangkin. Bahala kayo diyan, eh sa masaya ako eh. Tss.

But...

Shems ang posts kooooo!

Too late.

Stupid as ever.

Pero sige na nga lang! He don't know me anyway!

Tapos 'Hi' pa 'ko ng 'Hi' sa Twitter kasi nga hindi naman niya mababasa.

Eh nag-followback siya.

I so hate you for being so shameless, Anne Nicole.

Pero hindi ako nagsisi... muntik lang.

Hahahaha.

Isang decision lang ang p-in-ush ko kay Mommy ha. Wala naman akong alam sa mga susunod na mangyayari. Pero that was the best decision ever!

No regrets.

[shakespearean-tc]

Teacher Crush Background

Originally posted March 29th, 2019 Some background on me and A.

I know that like, I haven’t known him for 2 or 3 years like others in the community, but… I dunno I really needed to get my story out because keeping this in is so hard

He started teaching at my high school around late January. He’s small for a guy, like 5′ 5-6″. I’m almost 5′ 10″ so??? theres an issue haha but hes adorable. We’re 6 years apart? Does this even matter? Who knows.

Anyway, he began as our student teacher and I seriously thought that he was such a dork at the beginning. It was an endearing thought, but he seemed so quirky? Which isn’t a bad thing but he had sO MuCH ENERGy. hes a millenial so like he knows all of the memes and vines and omg i just- Yeah. He’s a good teacher and he’s gone through some rough stuff, but he’s just??? Such a wonderful guy.

Eventually, I found out he was a huge nerd? i was just talking about Legend of Zelda with my friend and he just literally like I swear to god, his ears perked up and he was like “Yo were you just talking about Majora’s Mask?” And i was like “Uh wow, yeah i was how tf did you-” “OMG I LITERALLY LOVE THAT GAME SO MUCH ITS MY FAVORITE”

But I guess??? I’ll just like share some times when I really was like “omg i think i have a crush” because why tf not i dunno what the heck im doing

1- This is like 2 weeks in since he’s been teaching us. We were doing an exercise so that we could work on our natural reactions, yeah? You would say a word and the other people in your group would answer with the first word that came to mind. Because in theatre, it’s really difficult to fake a genuine reaction to something and also because improvisation my dudes

But anyhow, I was bored and I just kinda was like “Trauma.” And my friend, E, goes, “PTSD” and then my other friend just yells “TYLER” and A just leaped up and was like “CONCERN?!??!?!” and so he just walked over and we were laughing so hard i could hardly breathe, but he just looked at us, slightly concerned, and my friend made some stupid comment, I cant even remember what it was but i started laughing even harder that i snORTED and he looked at me and I just went bright red and he started laughing SO HARD THAT HE WAS ALMOST CRYING and we finally calmed down and i just kinda mumbled “omg i hate my laugh that was awful” and he just smiled at me and was like “Hey, don’t. it’s real and it’s an awesome laugh. i love it.”

2- This was probably about a month in or so. Middle of February. He started out coming to class dressed like?? Really nice, and hes got long hair so he always wore it in a ponytail. He was in like slacks and dress shirt, tie, etc, etc. I always thought it was kinda cute, but then one day, out of the blue- He shows up to class with his hair down, jeans, sneakers, a zelda shirt and this really nice leather jacket- i swear to god he walked into class and i like glanced up from my sketchbook and had to do a friggin double take??? He looked like a different man??? but he looked so much more comfortable like jeez wow he looked so nice, and now he dresses like this all the time

3- One day after class, i was packing up my stuff, and it was just me and him in the classroom. out of the blue he started coughing really hard and really bad and i like dropped everything and was like “OmG ARE YOU OKAY DO YOU NEED HELP” and he just kinda shook his head, and drank some water. after a minute he turned to me, and was like “No, im ok, im okay” and i was like “okay, but??? are you sure??? that scared me” and he sighed, pinched the bridge of his nose and said “listen, idk if ill tell the rest of the class, but… you cant tell anyone about this because its embarrassing.” and i was here thinking “wtf is it??” and he says “I have Cystic fibrosis (ill refer to this as CF later on in my blog posts at some points).” and i looked at him all weird and was like “what is that” and he tells me “its hard to explain but basically my lungs dont work right and its hard for me to breathe a lot of the time.” and i just “how come ive never heard of it?” He says “Its really rare. its a life threatening disease, and i dont like to tell many people about it because i feel like they treat me like im delicate and fragile, and i dont want to be treated like that. please don’t tell anyone else.” and i smiled softly and nodded. “Okay I won’t. Just… let me know if you need help.” He smiled at me. “Thanks M. Will do. Have a good day.”

4- In late February. We were working on memorising our scenes that we had written and one of the other groups had just finished theirs. it was a very sad scene and he was like “Ouch, right in my feels. good job guys.” And he started walking out of the room, when one of the girls was talking to me and said “yeah, were gonna have her die in the end” and by now, A is out of the room, but i hear like a very soft thumpthumpthumpthump and he runs back into the room and yells “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’VE DONE THIS” and runs out, leaving the rest of us dying of laughter. (another time me and my friend were quoting vines and she goes “say colorado!” and he runs up behind up and just “IM A GIRAFFE”)

We’re really good friends, always talking after class and sharing jokes. He sometimes rants with me after school.

I guess this last one is when I realised I was… almost falling in love with him. I know it sounds so silly, but idk its nice to finally be able to say it.

This was the 1st of March. It was the night we were performing our scenes, and there was like 100-150 people in the audience. I have bad stage fright, but what you need to know is that I had a boyfriend a few years back who killed himself, and sometimes I see people that look like him, and i almost get… triggered?? Idk how to explain it but i break down. Anyway, we were backstage and I was helping one of the groups carry off their props when, for some reason, I looked out into the audience and I froze. Because in my eyes, there was a man sitting there that looked identical to my dead boyfriend. I started to shake, and I dropped the prop I was holding. Luckily the lights were almost completely out, so the audience could hardly see anything. My friend grabbed me and the prop and dragged me off stage. I got out into the hall next to the theatre and i just stood there, like a deer in headlights. the hall was almost completely empty, and my friend was like “are you alright?” i told her i was fine, and that I just needed a minute. she went back into the theatre to watch the other groups perform. i was alone in the hall now, and everything hit me like a brick. i began to get really dizzy and i started to lean against the wall. every time i closed my eyes, all i saw was that man, and i started to sob. i was shaking and i felt like i was going to die. i was already really anxious about our scene, and i was hitting the wall with my fist because i was kinda mad at myself. my boyfriend had been dead for about a year, and i got so upset with myself when i thought about it because i blamed myself for everything and i felt stupid because he’d been gone for so long. my knuckles started to bleed and thats when I heard the backstage door shut and I whipped my head around to see A there. I quickly tried to wipe away my tears and pretend like I was fine. He looked at me, and the rest went as such:

A: “M? What’s the matter? Why are you crying? Are you okay?” Me: “Yeah, I’m fine. Totally fine. Peachy. I’m great.”

I laughed and I wiped more tears from my eyes, but the salt started to sting my bleeding knuckles. I hissed in pain, and his eyes widened. He grabbed my hand.

A: “M? What… Why are your knuckles bleeding? You’re- You’re crying. You’re obviously not alright.”

I laughed again, shaking my head.

Me: “No. I’m fine.” A: “Your knuckles are bleeding. You are NOT fine. Please. Tell me. What’s going on?”

I took a deep breath, and I heard the other door open. The other group must’ve been finished with their scene. Some of the other kids began filing out and I tried to make it look like I hadn’t been crying.

“Excuse me?” I heard someone ask.

A and I both turned around. And lo, and behold. That man. was right there. I dont know his name. i know nothing about him. but he was a spitting image of my boyfriend. “Do you know when (name of my classmate) is performing her scene? She’s my younger sister, and I’ve got to get home soon, but I don’t want to miss it.” He informed us.

I turned around again, trying not to freak out while A told him that they would be on stage soon. The man went back into the theatre, along with my classmates. I was choking back tears and A must’ve noticed. A: “M? Are you sure you’re okay? You look like a deer in headlights.” Me: “Who is he? I- I don’t want to see him again, he looks like- like-” At this point in time, I couldn’t hold much back. I began to cry all over again and A sat me down against the wall. I told him everything. I told him about my boyfriend, the suicide, my anxiety, how I was so scared to get on stage, and that I couldn’t handle seeing that man. I told him all of it. When I was done, he reached for his shirt collar and pulled out a locket. He opened it, showing it to me. A: “Do you see her?” There was a young woman in the photo with A, and they were both laughing.

Me: “She’s pretty. Who is she?” A: “My sister. She passed away from CF when I was 16. I wear this locket to remind me of her and how she was one of the only people who believed in me, especially when no one else did. Everyday, it keeps me strong, and reminds me that I can go through hard things and make it out alright in the end. Now, I want you to listen closely. First of all, your boyfriend’s suicide was NOT your fault, okay? No matter what. It was his decision, and I know that he wouldn’t want you to spend your entire life blaming yourself for something he chose. Second, you have no reason to be scared on stage. I’ve seen you trying so hard to get your lines memorised and become this character. You’re such an amazing actress and you’ve no reason to feel uneasy. Stage fright is hard. It really is.” He grabbed my hands at this point. “But you are AMAZING. And you are going to be so wonderful up there on stage. I have faith in you M.”

I swallowed, and nodded, wiping my eyes. He stood up, and helped me stand up. A: “Now c’mon. Let’s go see if we can find some bandaids for your hands.” We both went to the classroom, found some bandaids and cleaned off my hands. When it came time for our scene, he wished me good luck. For once, I felt confident. I felt like I was alright. After the entire show was over, we were cleaning up the stage. My friends were waiting outside for me by my car and I went over to A. He set down the prop he was holding and turned to me, smiling. A: “You were great! I told you that you could do it!” Me: “Thanks A. I just wanted to let you know that tonight meant a lot to me. I was really upset and anxious, but you made me feel a lot better. You’re a great teacher, and I’m so glad that you’re with us.” He smiled really big. A: “Thanks M. That means a lot to me. You have a lot of potential, and I love talking with you. Have a good night.” I bid him farewell, and since then? Things have been different. We’re… friends, I suppose. We talk after class more often, we have intellectual discussions over email, we share an emotional bond. I guess that’s when I really realised I was basically in love with him. He’s one of the only people in my life who I can feel completely comfortable around, someone that I trust with basically everything. He makes me feel special and of worth, and I know it all sounds so silly, but I really adore him. Thanks for reading this whole big long post, i guess

i really like the tcc community to be honest, even though im remotely new to it. a lot of people seem really cool if you ever want to rant to me or just talk, im here to listen!

[reptilerach]

“Rejection”; Chapter Seven

NOTES: Okay, so here’s the deal. I couldn’t think of an intuitive enough way to incorporate all medical conditions (such as asthma and eczema), so we’re just gonna have to stick to my original script: which is where the Reader has scoliosis. When I was writing this for myself, I wanted to include the struggles I’ve personally had throughout my life. Scoliosis being a major obstacle. This spinal condition will be brought up quite a bit in later chapters, so....yeah. Plays a decent-sized role in the Reader’s health.

Also, there will be a few dark themes in this one, so if you are afraid you’ll get triggered, then there’s your warning. (Don’t worry, there isn’t any gore! It’s just stuff like...well, you’ll see.) Enjoy!

______________________________________________________________

You backed up into a corner, but hit something fluffy. You froze, and bit your lip. You knew he was right behind you, because you felt the touch of his hoodie. So you whirled around, holding your breath- but no one was there. Your heart skipped a beat, and you really began to sweat. Your hands turned clammy, and your back ducked further into the wall. Suddenly, the lights flickered and he was standing right in front of you. You screamed, but he muffled your mouth with a skeletal hand quickly.

He was even scarier like this up close, and you could see his blue eye flaring wilder than earlier before. Your knees knocked against one another, and you gulped. Sans smiled evilly, just as you had did with Papyrus’s protection before he ditched you. “ya know, i thought we were getting along quite well until you went and decided to tease me.” Sans bluntly grumbled, and you showed a nervous smile. “We are! I was only kidding, Sans. Lighten up.” You tried to push him away from you, but he snapped his fingers and suddenly a huge weight was placed upon your shoulders.

Oh, come on! Not again! You wheezed for air, and Sans grinned. “if you are trying to piss me off, it’s working.” He growled, and raised his left hand. The fingers were outstretched, but in the light they looked like talons. You rolled your eyes. “I'm just trying to lighten to mood, dude. Have some fun around here. I know you need it.” You glared at him, and gained the strength to stand up straight.

Sans’ shit eating smile faltered, and he blinked. The blue in his eye was gone, but the feeling of being crushed remained. You beamed triumphantly, and pushed past him to the sink. When you got there, you splashed your face with water to help relax a little. Sans was gonna give you a heart attack sooner or later, with all the stress he puts on you physically and emotionally. Sans turned to face you, his hand still outstretched in case he wanted to prepare another attack. Right now, he was merely keeping you on an invisible leash.

He grunted, and folded his arms. “i have plenty of fun on a daily basis, thank you very much. i don’t need your pity.” The pressure on your shoulders didn't fade away. “Hey, ya mind laying off with the magic? My scoliosis can't take this amount of weight.” You blabbed about, when you suddenly shut your mouth. Dang it. Sans snapped awake, and peered at you with a great deal of inquiry. “‘’scoliosis’? what's that?” You buried your face in your hands, wanting to cry all over again when you got the news about your back.

“Do we really have to talk about it? It's kinda personal.” You pleaded, but Sans only smiled wider. “you heard some of my secret shit, now you hafta’ spill yours. it's gotta be good if you're this reluctant to tell me. besides, you brought it up-” “Alright, alright! Jeez!” You complained, and threw your hands up in the air. Sans smirked, and leaned back against the wall where you were just cornered. You rubbed your temples, and began to explain your condition.

“Scoliosis is a back problem where my spine isn't straight. It's curved like an ‘S’, and it hurts a lot when I don't wear my brace.” Sans looked completely confused, and instinctively rubbed his own spine. “that doesn't sound too bad. where’s your brace?” You groaned, and stood up to crack an ache that had grown into a tight knit behind you. “I don't need to wear it anymore. I wore it for 3-4 years, and it was awful. For the first year or two, I had to wear it 24/7.”

You gazed over to the short skeleton, who gave you a lazy smile. “what's wrong with that? this scoliosis sounds like it's a good thing. can be an excuse to get out of work.” You wanted to smack him, but only threw him a poisonous glare. “The brace was bulky, poked at your side like knives, and everyone would make fun of you!” You were on the verge of tears, and Sans instantly dropped his grin. He actually looked a little more concerned.

You wobbled on your feet uneasily, and grabbed a kitchen chair. You sat down in it, and decided to just let it all out. “‘Here comes Fatty (Y/N)!’ ‘Look at her, she's a screwed up girl who will never get anything done worthwhile in her life because of her disease!’” You choked on my words, and covered your mouth from sobbing completely. Sans stood still in the corner by the fridge, not daring to move.

Sans stared at the trembling human girl by the kitchen table. Her eyes were wide, tears almost about to slip off the edge and spill. Her hair was distraught, and her fingers were clenched white against her lips. He could barely hear what she was saying under her breath, but made out the words, “It’s not a disease… I'm not a monster….” Sans was slightly offended by the last part, but shook it off. Frisk did say that the humans on the Surface were a lot crueler than the monsters in the Underground.

Sans stepped towards (Y/N), and she flinched. But he kept going, until he was right beside her. She was panting heavily, and her shoulders were bouncing up and down from trauma. The skeleton frowned, and lifted a hand shakily outwards, until he stopped mid air. What was he doing? He barely knew this girl. She knows too much, and obviously isn't afraid to test Sans when she wanted. If he got too attached, he could get really hurt. Like what happened with Frisk. At first, he really did care for the human. But after countless resets, Sans had taught himself to not feel anymore.

However, now he was feeling something. Something strong; something that no one ever could give him besides Frisk. And even then the kid didn't provide efficiently. Sans felt sympathy for (Y/N), and knew how scared and depressed she must be living down here in this hell hole. She doesn't know her full capabilities, and probably misses her family on the Surface. if she’s even from there. Sans wanted to trust (Y/N), to be sure that she was a good person just dealing with intense emotional struggling. But he couldn't. He did the same for Frisk, and they failed him. And with emotional struggle, one would get to the point where they'd do anything to relieve themselves from some of the pain. Sans understood this perfectly.

You couldn't help yourself. You bawled your eyes out on that table, not caring what Sans was doing. All you knew was that he was standing right next to you, listening. Your depression and self wallowing came back, and you felt like kicking yourself for letting Sans take on some of your personal burdens. “Do you think it's been easy for me? My scoliosis is only scratching the surface of my problems. And I'm not just about to dump them all out on you. That's not fair to you. But still, you can't judge a person by a first impression, Sans! You can't just assume they're a bad person who wants to hurt people when really all they want to do is have someone to talk with. No friends….no support...it makes you feel all-” “suicidal.”

You whipped your head to him, and the whites in his eyes were gone. He seemed lost in a trance, and grimaced. He blinked his eyes back to normal after a few silent moments. You were stunned, and sniffled pathetically. You wiped your face, and snot covered your arm. You stood up to go to the sink to wash your gross arm, but something caught your left shoulder. It was Sans, and he was smiling sadly at you. You figured he understood what you were saying, since he had finished your sentence for you on the dot.

“(y/n). you aren't a monster, and you have friends. you have toriel, frisk, my brother, and me. we may be only part of a video game-” he paused, and you bit your lip anxiously, “-but it's better than nothing. the point is, you're here now. and you're a strong, healthy human. and although i have been judging you all day, from the way you act towards me and my brother to your sense of humor, i really do see how unique and good hearted your soul is.” You smiled, but your eyebrows drooped empathetically. Sans chuckled, and shook his head.

“i could tell from the moment i judged your soul in the forest, that we have many things in common. and although you can't see the future for this particular timeline-” He beamed a genuine smile, which made you chortle quietly, “i have a feeling that we were gonna be good friends. no matter how much to like to push my limits.” The two of you laughed, and it went without saying that if you were to ever turn on him and hurt his loved ones you were pretty much dead.

A strong sensation burned inside of you, and you decided to go along with it. You grabbed the skeleton by the blue of his jacket and pulled him in for a hug. You wrapped your arms around his neck, and he froze. But, after a few awkward seconds, he returned the embrace by placing his hands on the small of your back. You dipped your burning cheeks into his hoodie, and took a deep breath. The smoothness of his white bone rubbed against your temple, and the grooves from his hands tingled through your shirt. You could really get used to this. “we, uh… have a lot to talk about.” Sans murmured into your shoulder, and you nodded.

When you pulled away, you kept your hands on the 5-foot tall skeleton’s shoulders. He left his hands on your sides, and you laughed to ease the tension. “We all gouda, my bone-a- fide friend?” You giggled, and some hair fell into your face. You pushed it back, and Sans smirked like he just won the lotto. “i already used that.” You shrugged, and grinned. “Couldn't help myself; there was no use skulking around anyways.” Sans chuckled deeply, which pulled on your heartstrings. God, I’m screwed if he keeps that laugh up. It's making my heart get nervous… in a good way. You thought happily, gazing contently at his large, goofy smile. 

FIRST

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Chapter Ten (Where all the chapters before that are.)

Chapter Twenty (Links for Chapters 11 --> 19)

Chapter Thirty (Links for Chapters 21 --> 29)

[ficdirectory]

The Fosters: Our Thoughts on Episode 5x02 “Exterminate Her”

We’re back for more of our thoughts on this week’s Fosters.  As usual, check out @tarajean621‘s thoughts on Jesus and brain injury representation in italics below:

You Know What Could Have Happened, Callie?/Honey, She Was Terrified:  I can totally understand Callie wanting to focus on the good side of things.  I’m sure she is keenly aware of just how badly things could have gone.  And Stef being short with her and Lena taking the time to explain how scared Stef was rings so true to Real Stuff Parents Do.

This Is Nothing to Celebrate!/Surprise!  And, naturally, all the charges are dropped.  But how awkward is this surprise party led by Robert?  Especially Mariana leading her brothers in a rousing chant of “hip hip hooray” because “our sister’s a hero!”  So cute, though.

How Long Are You Gonna Stop Speaking to Your Brother?/How Long Are You Gonna Stop Speaking to Mariana?  I missed this part somehow when it first aired.  

How’s The Treehouse Going?  Has She Taken Over Yet?/No, She Just Found Us a Tree:  Wow, everyone’s crabby today, aren’t they?  Settle down, Emma.  Only a few more days and you can be really far away from Mariana.  (And Jesus.  I wonder how that will go?)

Hey, Can I Talk to You for a Second?/Uh, Yeah, Sure:  I hate that everyone is now actively fearing Jesus.  It’s especially disheartening seeing Mariana react out of fear here.  And the camera stays with Brandon as he jumps and then leaves the table. I’d love for the assumption that Jesus now resides at Intimidation Station to not be a thing.

I have been looking for statistics on how likely it is that people with TBIs assault their caregivers, since this seems to be the slant the writers are taking with 5A.  I could not come up with one link.  

I did, however, find pages of links (over 3 million results) about disabled abuse and victimization.  

One source says that disabled people are 4-10 times more likely to be victims of violence, abuse or neglect than nondisabled people.  It goes on to share why people living with TBIs are likely to encounter victimization - the list includes the use of undue force (which I covered last week when Gabe restrained Jesus), caregivers misperceptions about TBI leading to abuse or not believing us when we report abuse, or having to endure abuse “in return for” help with tasks of daily living.

Definitely.  In just existing as a disabled person and talking to others who are, I can say that everybody I know who is disabled, has, at some point, been abused.  (Usually, this is by a caregiver.)  Another source I found on the maltreatment of children with disabilities states that:

“Children with disabilities may have increased vulnerability to abuse because...[they] may be perceived as less valuable than other children. Their reports may not be considered trustworthy. Discipline may be more punitive and accompanied by a lack of respect.”

So, I’ve Been Thinking and I Wanna Do My Senior Project By Myself/Well, You Can’t:  Um.  Wow, Mariana.  Maybe you should have been honest with Jesus from the start about this.

Yes, this might have been a more timely conversation weeks ago.  Although, it was really up to Moms and Drew to deliver this news to Jesus, so Mariana is not the only one to blame here.

I’m Gonna Talk to Drew Myself and See What He Says:  You pretty much have to, Jesus.  It’s the only way you’re guaranteed the truth.  

But wait, if Jesus speaks to Drew all on his own, who will Drew look to if there is not a suitable nondisabled person present? <-- Sarcasm

Was This Emma’s Idea?/No.  I Just Need to Prove That I Can Do Something on My Own:  Of course, Jesus would feel strongly about this.  His family doesn’t respect him as he is.  It makes sense for him to feel like he has to prove his capability to get them to take him seriously.  Nothing else is working.

Our society views productivity as the be-all and end-all.  You go to school to produce meaningful work so that you can graduate and get a job, thus becoming a contributing member of society.  You are useful and worthy then.  Jesus feels like he needs to produce a meaningful senior project without help to be seen as useful and worthy again.  And it doesn’t hurt that it might earn him points with Emma to distance himself from Mariana.

I Just Wanna Help/I Don’t Need Your Help/Well, We Do/So You Want Me To Go Live with Robert?  Honestly, though, what else is Callie supposed to think?  Moms are pretty much saying she is too much for them and they need backup to handle her.  

Callie, We Love You But There is Only So Much That We Can Do For You:   I guarantee you the only part of Lena’s sentence that Callie heard was “We love you, but...” which feels exactly like, “We don’t love you,” or “We used to love you, but don’t anymore.”  (Please think about what you’re saying Moms, these words will stick.)  

You Need to Decide Who You Want to Be Going Forward, Because This Girl is Not Acceptable:  OMG talk about a back-to-back gut-punch!  Jeez...  What is Callie supposed to do with a statement like this?  She is who she is.  She can’t change who she is.  She has had a ton of stuff happen to her before she ever came to Stef and Lena.  That all impacts who she is and her decision making process.   

This morning I read an article called 3 Reasons Traditional Parenting Doesn’t Work With Kids From Trauma.  Callie has lived months as an adopted child, as opposed to 7 years in foster care.  She is in survival mode all the time, and completely shut down during Moms’ and Robert’s lecture.

I’ve heard similar remarks as an adoptee myself and that is exactly how they resonate.  Moms’ words must feel like such a rejection.

After This Last Thing With Callie, I Just Don’t Know What To Do/I Know That Was So Awful For You.  I’m So Sorry.  How Can I Help?  What Can I Do?  This is probably a bit of a raw wound for me personally, because Stef absolutely needs and deserves comfort.  But it feels so jarring to see this scene after the previous two with Moms and Callie.

Lena excused Stef’s anger at Callie in the car when Stef talked about how Callie could have been beaten or raped (she has experienced both in foster care, Stef.)  Then the lecture.  But we just don’t see that level of love and support for Callie herself.  Nobody is asking Callie “How can I help?”  or “What can I do?”

I Need You to Say You Can’t Help Unless It’s Both Our Projects, Because You Can’t Choose Sides: Mariana, I get that you are always at least 25 billion steps ahead, seeing every possible bad eventuality but you need to try to reign in this impulse to manipulate the adults in your world.  Maybe talk about that in therapy?  (But speaking of Kids Who Came From Trauma...pretty textbook behavior.)

(On the positive side, give Brandon Quinn all the points for the physical comedy of trying to put those jeans on!  So funny!)

He’s Lucky I Didn’t Suspend Him/And You’re Lucky I Don’t Sue You.  And The School:  Yes, Lena!  (Also how gross is that pro-privatization piece in the ABCC school paper?)

Portfolio?/Your Body of Work:  I find it hard to believe that Callie would have zero idea of what a portfolio is, but maybe she doesn’t hang around a lot of art students?

Mariana Just Told Me That This Treehouse Project is Approved for Her and Not Jesus Because He Might Not Be a Senior Next Year?  It was news to me, too, Gabe!  I’ve literally been thinking (for months) that Mariana went in to support Jesus for his senior project.  That it was his meeting.  And that when it was not approved for him that was the end of it, but Mariana couldn’t let it go, so she lied and said it had to be both of their projects.

But Jesus Has No Idea, Right?/We Don’t Want to Frighten Him with All the What-Ifs/Keeping Things From Him Blew Up in a Pretty Big Way:  I mean, Gabe’s not wrong...

Dean Bayfield:  Well, hello, new neighbor.  Looks like Stef’s a little tongue-tied around you...

When Do They Send the Paper to the Printer?/They Already Did/What If It Caught an Error and Sent a New File?  Mariana Adams Foster...put that big, beautiful brain of yours to good use and be careful.  (I’m so proud!  But I’m so conflicted about being proud!)

Pick Up Your Senior Project/Toss It:  This Girl Is Not Acceptable.

The Art Professor...is Gonna Let Me Audit Her Class and Help Me Put Together My Portfolio/That’s Amazing:  This Mama Sandwich for Callie is so bittersweet because she looks so relieved that they still love her.  

Do Think I’d Be Better at Scooping Ice Cream or Flipping Burgers?/That Depends.  You’d Be So Bad at Both:  OMG Callie!  Hahahaha!

Maybe This Could Be My Still Life.  I’m Salty, Right?  Why would she want to find an object that defines her if the girl she is is not acceptable?  No wonder she is struggling so hard with this.

I Used to Blow Dry My Hair Straight, Too, Mariana.  It’s Called Time-Management:  These are the moments that I love.  Because Mariana’s hair is not a lost issue, and Lena remains supportive about it, giving Mariana advice from her own experience.

We Have 5 Teenagers/Oh God Bless You!  We Just Have the One:  Hahaha!  I love Theresa!

A Good Basic Case With All the Essentials:  Can’t go to art school without supplies!  

The Article Doesn’t Appear to Quote You or Anyone on the Administration.  It’s Just One Kid’s Opinion, Right?  OMG Lena, I love you!  Also, check out the screencap Tara got of the article in the Sea Breeze!  Love that it cites IDEA and points out what this article says, in part, which is “ If the private...school does not accept any federal funding, then the school is not required to provide accommodations” to students with disabilities.

What Did You Bring to Sketch?/I Think I’m Just Gonna Sketch My New Art Set:  Because nothing says Callie like an art set you got 10 minutes ago... :(

Grace!  Are You Okay?  Are You Hurt?  Why Are You Handcuffed to the Bed?!  Brandon, your reaction to Grace here was, hands down, my favorite part of the episode.  You give me hope for humanity in this moment.

Otherwise, Why Would You Be Here?  I also love Ximena!  There is such a shortage of positive female friendships depicted on TV that I would love to see Callie and Ximena develop one.  But it looks like Ximena’s complimentary question to Callie isn’t sitting quite right...

It’s For This Foster Family That Has, Like 12 Kids.  Some of Them Are Special Needs:  First of all, it seems illegal that one family would have 12 foster kids at once?  And secondly?  Pretty much no one in the disability community likes the term ‘special needs.’  

Since I Got This TBI, People Treat Me Like I’M Special Needs:  So revealing there, Jesus.  I always say, the hardest part about being disabled isn’t the disability, it’s the way we’re treated as inferior.  I imagine that dealing with a sudden disability as Jesus is, that feeling is even stronger.  (And I can’t shake the feeling that the ‘people’ Jesus is referring to is his family.  And honestly, nobody should be treated like they’re less when they’re disabled, especially by family.  It’s bad enough to experience it in general society.)

Having a brain injury is not a bad thing, but it does take some adjustment.  The way Jesus says, “People treat me like I am special needs” is revealing, as Tonia pointed out.  People treat him like a pile of unreasonable demands - like a list of symptoms - instead of as a human being who has a brain injury.

Talk to Your Moms/All They Do is Lie to Me and Keep Secrets.  They Aren’t Going to Tell Me.  So, What Is It? I can’t say I wouldn’t be making the same call Gabe ends up making here...and so far, Gabe is one person whose ableism is at a minimum, and Jesus feels that.  He feels respected by Gabe.  His experience with Moms post-TBI has been that they treat him as less now.  They have lied to him and he doesn’t need anymore of that.  He’s out of the woods, healthwise, he doesn’t need to be ‘protected’ in this manner.

No Longer Funding Any Junior Student’s Senior Projects: Of course you aren’t, Drew...

Did You Talk to My Father?  Robert Quinn?  Oh Lordy, this isn’t gonna end well, is it?  How humiliating for Callie.  Like she needs Robert calling in favors for her to get to audit art school class...

I’m Not Gonna Be a Senior Next Year?/We Don’t Know That, Jesus:  Now Jesus knows, and Stef still won’t give him a straight answer?  Really?  At least tell him what you DO know...

Also, inquiring minds would like to know what IS happening with regard to Jesus and school?  Stef and Lena are both back at work and Jesus is home all day, talking to Gabe as he builds the treehouse.  Lena’s an educator.  School is always on this family’s radar.  Even if Jesus isn’t ready for full days, I’d think a teacher coming to the house for a bit wouldn’t be out of the question.  But school hasn’t even been mentioned by Moms except to say that Jesus is missing a lot, and taking Drew of all people as the expert on post-brain-injury reentry to school.

Jesus, I Need You To Calm Down/No, I Am Not Going To Calm Down/Then You Can Go To Your Room Until You Are Willing To Listen To Me. Now:  

In my opinion, Jesus is not out of bounds or out of control here.  He has a right to be upset, but Stef sends him away.  (Instead of sending Gabe and/or Mariana away so she can have a private conversation with Jesus.)  She tells him to leave until he is willing to listen to her - but Stef is in no way willing to be around his feelings in this moment.

Too often, disabled people are expected to “be nice” in the face of ableism.  And let’s be clear, not telling Jesus about what is going on with his schooling is ableism.  Dismissing Jesus’s current upset?  Also ableism.  

If any of the other kids found out Moms withheld information for weeks about them possibly not being promoted a grade, upset would be an expected reaction.  In Jesus’s case, it is not justified in Mom’s eyes.

I’m Not Going Up There With Him!  Did You See What He Did to Brandon’s Room?  What If He Takes a Baseball Bat to My Head?  Kids learn ableism from their parents...and Stef doesn’t refute Mariana here...  So harmful.  (And also - if Mariana isn’t comfortable going upstairs, the least Stef could do is tell her to go to the living room or something.  Anything so she is not right there when Stef tells Gabe that if he can’t respect Stef and Lena’s authority as the twins’ parents, he’ll have to leave.  Awkward.  And not a conversation for one of the kids to overhear.)

Is This a Bad Time?/Jesus is Up in His Room and I’m Sure He Would Love to See You Right About Now:  Um...  If Jesus is supposed to be being punished or taking a break or whatever, why would you send Emma up there?  (But I have a pretty good idea why.  Disability as a Plot Device, anyone?  Because up until now, Emma was the only person who wasn’t fearful of Jesus.  The choice to send her up there just to witness Jesus throwing things is a conscious choice to continue his ostracization and isolation.  To make sure he has no one to turn to or lean on.  

Notice how this “outburst” comes immediately after being dismissed.  

Also, here is another example of how traditional parenting does not work on kids with traumatic backgrounds.  And a Traumatic Brain Injury is yet another trauma for Jesus to juggle, in addition to his unstable infancy and childhood (until age 8).  Sending Jesus to his room just drives home the fact that he, like Callie, is seen as unacceptable now.   

I Wish I Had Somewhere to Unleash My Beast/You Do.  Your Art:  Jesus, do you hear this?  You and Callie could totally channel all your feelings into art.  That’s what it’s there for, and you’re both good at it.  (I’d actually really like to see this!)

How Did Your Job Interview Go?/I Was Late So I Probably Didn’t Make a Great First Impression:  Yeah, like when your girlfriend calls you with fake emergencies when she KNOWS you have a job interview soon...

Pretty Sure She Was Trying to Have Sex With You/Oh, My God:  I loved this!  Rang so true to me that the adopted kid would totally get what Grace was trying to do with Brandon while Brandon remained innocently oblivious...

I Wanna Try to Be a Senior Next Year, Even If That Means I Have to Go to Summer School/Honey, That’s Really Great to Hear, But Your Senior Project Will Have to Wait Until Then:  Okay but Jesus literally did not say anything about his senior project.  He’s talking about his education right now.  Why does no one take him seriously?  (Oh wait, I know...)

“That’s really great to hear.” What does that even mean?  “That’s really great to hear that you still desire and value an education even though you have a brain injury?” 

It sounds as if that was Lena’s way of possibly skirting the education conversation.   

Because I Got Mad?  Are You Punishing Me?  Of course, it feels like a punishment.

Drew’s Not Funding Any Senior Projects by Juniors/You’re Lying:  Moms, remember Stef’s brilliant take on ‘trust has to be earned?’  I feel like it’s time to work on starting to earn Jesus’s.  Because right now, he can’t trust anything you say, and why should he? 

Also, I’m pretty sure Monte said last episode that Drew isn’t the principal because she hasn’t yet resigned.  So...why is the vote invalid but his word about Jesus’s senior project like signed, sealed and notarized by a judge?)

I Could Probably Get Jesus’s Uncle to Donate/Birth Uncle: This is interesting, because we watched this episode with a friend who adopted her daughter.  And she specifically commented on this scene.  Said she never corrects her daughter when she wonders about her birth mother.  And she felt it was out of place for Moms to correct Gabe here.

I Do Wanna Keep My Senior Project/We Took It to the Dumpster Already:  Ouch, Callie :(

I Didn’t Give Her Any Money, I Just Asked Her to Give You a Chance, But Only If She Believes in You, Which, Obviously, She Does/You Don’t:  Bam.  It’s truth time, by Callie.  And that really is what Robert’s actions communicated.  Instead of helping with her or giving her advice on what to do next, he went behind her back and appealed to the teacher’s pity, and that never feels good.

I Know You All Think That I’m Unacceptable/That’s Not What We Meant/It’s What You Said:  Right, Callie?  And no matter how many other times she is affirmed, those words will be inside her, challenging the love she’s shown.  It’s this thing: anger resonates as the “truest” feeling, while love feels forced.  It’s hard to explain...

When You First Met Me You Told Me I Wasn’t Disposable and I’m Really Trying to Believe That:  We keep track of every single word.

We Don’t Want You to Throw Away Your Past, We Just Want You to Stop Repeating It:  But that might not be entirely in Callie’s control.  How often do we rehash or recreate an aspect of our past in an effort to work through it, or because it feels familiar and that feels safe?  Moms want Callie to feel safe, but safe is new.  And it’s going to take some getting used to.  (Also I’m really glad Lena rescued Callie’s senior project from gettting thrown away.)

So, I’m Not Going to See You Before You Go?/I’m Sorry/I Love--:  Emma’s pulling away so hard and fast.  This sucks.

I really hope that this whole Aggression Is A Symptom storyline does not end up Teaching Jesus A Lesson.

Did Mamas Talk to You About The Treehouse?/I’m Gonna Ask Emma to Do It With Me...If That’s Okay:  Ugh, and the twins aren’t getting along still.  And at this point it seems like working with Emma on the treehouse this year or next is gonna be a bust...

Not being able to connect after an injury is a thing, and I appreciate that it is being depicted.  To add to Tonia’s comment about Emma, we don’t know what is going to happen with them.  He is trying to make things work with his girlfriend while putting Mariana in her place.  We will have to see what happens...

I Guess I Shouldn’t Have Read Fifty Shades of Grey:  Oh, Grace, what a terrible book!

I Don’t Know Where The Keys Are.  I Think They’re Over Here/Okay, I’m Coming:  Hahaha!  Don’t play with handcuffs, Brandon and Grace...or Stef will have to come unlock you...and wouldn’t that be embarrassing?

Fearless:  I love Callie showing Ximena her necklace from her mom as her object for her Still Life and I love Ximena’s reaction to it!

Tess/Oh, My God!  Stef!  So, I was in the shower, the morning after this aired, and it occurred to me.  The thing that everybody already knows about who Tess is.  But in case someone hasn’t made the connection.  I realized Tess was Stef’s high school friend who she was cuddling and got caught by Stef’s dad.  Also the reason Stef was sent by her dad to see a priest, who told her being gay was a sin (episode 1x06, I believe.)

For more: Fosters Recaps