#can he like. make an inator and clone it for me | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

shurisneakers · 4 years ago

Text

harmless (xiii)

Summary: Bucky volunteers to go stop a small time villain, but nothing can prepare him for what exactly he has to deal with. (Bucky x villain!reader)

Warnings: cursing, frustrated bucky, dramatic reader, smidge of angst, guns, little bit of violence, obnoxious flirting, and kidnapping lol

Word count: 6.2k

A/N: welcome to chaos week >:) this is the first of three updates coming out this week (if i can finish the last one in time). big thank you to my love @no-shit-sherl0ck for the kidnaped!reader idea, and that one anon who suggested the inator that’s used here. i know you wanted to see it in a zoo but i couldn’t really figure out a way to use that so i referenced it a bunch in previous chapters. oh and also @ginevranights for this specific imagery

Previous Part || Series Masterlist

Who the fuck kidnaps a villain in this day and age?

Saturday started normally enough.

Nat kicked Bucky’s ass in training, evening the score to 120 and 120. He blames it on the lack of sleep. She tells him that it’s his fault he stayed up late to binge watch 911 Lone Star.

He still thinks it was worth it.

The team’s sunshines and rainbows that morning. Someone had cooked up a batch of pancakes and fresh orange juice. Someone else burnt the bacon but left to feed his dog before anyone could complain.

Nat opened up the newspaper. Different sections went to different people until Bucky got stuck with the entertainment section. Fun, considering that he doesn’t even recognise half the names. He’d have to pretend to be interested until the next rotation.

He watches the orange juice levitate in front of him from the corner of his eye and just assumes that Wanda’s getting a refill even though she could have just asked him to pass it. He smells the next batch of bacon burning and figures that Clint is back.

Sam’s beside him, annoying him about how long it takes for him to read about which new celebrity relationship just ended and Bucky retaliates by reading even slower. Fuck you.

He’s on his second stack of pancakes absolutely drenched in maple syrup when the doors to the elevator open and Marie steps out, laptop in her hand.

An instant chorus of hello’s and invitations to have some charred bacon resound through the table. She politely declines them with a small smile, instead opening her laptop and placing it in front of Bucky without further ado.

He looks at her questioningly, slowly swallowing whatever was in his mouth.

“An email for you.” She tuts her head towards it. “It has a video attachment of your friend.”

Bucky has plans to not watch the video in front of everyone, given that the content could range anywhere from you reading out fanfiction about him to a deep-fake of him singing a Whitney Houston song.

Both of which you have done before and would do again, without any hesitation.

“Aren’t you gonna watch it?” Wanda asks from across the table.

He slowly shakes his head no, cutting his stack into smaller pieces.

“If what’s in it is real, it’s important,” Marie stresses.

“What’s in it?” he inquires instead, hoping that the team would stop staring at him. If Marie was implying strongly that he needed to watch then something was wrong.

“Just watch it, man.” Sam’s statement has everyone agreeing with him. Bucky can’t refuse now, and if the team makes fun of him for the next month about how he looks good belting Greatest Love of All, he’s going to personally assassinate you.

He clicks on the email, noticing it came from a throwaway address. Probably untraceable, if the cards are played right.

The video opens to grainy footage, which is stupid considering modern technological advancements. If this is one more of your stupid LARPing sessions, it could definitely wait till after lunch.

But, he instantly recognises your silhouette strapped to a chair and suddenly the room feels very cold around him. His hand automatically clutches onto a bead from the bracelet you gave him that still remained tied to his left arm more often than not.

“Speak,” someone commands off camera.

“About what?” You sound annoyed, exasperated even.

“Why you’re here.”

“I’m here because you have unaddressed feelings of childhood insecurity.”

“I warned you to take this seriously.”

Bucky’s eyes widen slightly but his body relaxes the minute he reads the situation.

The team’s crowded around him, he can feel it. His attention remains on the screen in front of him.

“Who even are you sending this to?” You don’t sound the least bit threatened. “My roommate’s not at home but my cat is and I don’t think she’d care.”

”You’ve made a complete joke out of villains everywhere. Fraternising with the enemies, the Avengers,” he spits the name with so much vitriol. “You’ve erased what it’s like to be truly evil. Turned us into a laughing stock.”

“If it takes one person to undermine your whole movement then maybe it wasn’t strong enough to begin with.” You look at someone outside the lens, face scrunching in distaste. “Also your costume’s ugly.”

“F.R.I.D.A.Y., can you trace this voice?” Bucky asks, receiving an immediate confirmation. “Figure out who it is.”

“On it.”

“Tell them. Tell them we are a serious threat and are to be feared.”

"No,” you say resolutely. “You’re an overgrown manchild. Go watch Teletubbies or something.”

“She does not give a shit,” Clint marvels at the situation, a piece of half eaten burnt toast between his fingers.

You didn’t. And if he knew you in the slightest, which he prided himself on at this point, you already had six different ways of getting out of there.

“She knows she’s going to be fine,” Bucky murmurs, returning back to take a bite of his pancakes. “She’s probably still there just to irritate him.”

He zeroes in on your wrist to see if the teleportation watch was still there but no, your wrists are bare. Guess you forgot.

“You have to.”

“Why?”

“Because that’s how a real villain does it.”

“A real villain- what are you, gatekeeping the villain community?” You scoff. “You sound like a fuckin’ incel.”

“Just send them a message,” the guy bellows, hitting a table.

“She’s going to frustrate them to death.” An accurate observation, Sam.

“Okay, jeez, fine.”

Bucky just knows that you rolled your eyes at that moment.

He had faith in you, or in your abilities at the very least. While every wisecrack could possibly inch you closer towards harm, you probably wouldn’t be making them unless you felt completely secure in your situation.

“Help, I’m totally kidnapped and in danger. Save me because I can’t do it myself. This man is too powerful and strong and sooo scary.”

“Do you think she has a strategy?”

“Definitely.”

“You’re not worried, James?” Wanda asks curiously. “I thought she was your friend.”

“She is my friend.” He reaches over to take the jug of orange from across the table. “That’s why I’m not worried.”

“Are you going to fight the Avengers?” you interrupt his endless tirade. “Because that’s a stupid plan. You get how that’s a stupid plan, right?”

“Let them come. I’m prepared.”

“With what? A stick you found outside? A Nerf gun? Man, you’ve tied my hands with fuckin’ zip ties, you can’t be serious-”

“Shut up,” he roared and the stand shakes slightly from where he stamps his feet. “Our army is enough.”

“Wow,” you exhale. “I wish I had your confidence, I really do. I want to study you under a microscope.”

“I have reinforcements.” It sounds like he turns to the camera to address it directly. “This is a warning. Your friends have an hour to find you or things are gonna turn ugly. This is what real evil looks like.”

“Evil dresses in a dollar store Speedo, apparently.” The man pays you no heed, instead picking up the camera. “Hey, sarge, if you’re watching this, don’t bother. I’m fine, it’s not even the real me-”

The camera cuts to black.

“When was this video sent?” Nat looks at Marie, eyebrows drawn together.

“About ten minutes ago.”

Bucky clicks out of the email, determined to get at least half his breakfast in him before he left to see what’s up with your situation. A notification pops up immediately.

[email protected] just sent you an email.

A video attachment.

“We got another one,” Bucky informs the team, drawing their attention back to the screen from the informal conversation that had erupted between them about what they could do.

This time, there’s a subject line included.

Attack on the Clone.

"Ain’t that a Star Wars movie?" he asks, craning his neck to look at Clint.

"That's Attack of the Clones," Sam corrects. "Probably autocorrect."

Bucky narrowed his eyes in suspicion at him, jaw sliding outward before falling back into place. Enough times had Sam called him Fucky in the group chat and gotten away with it for him not to be wary.

“Or a code,” Wanda suggests, too many crime thrillers read and podcasts listened in her spare time. She occasionally brought them over to Self Care Saturday, introducing him to the world of true crime as a bit of light content while they snacked on chocolate chip cookies he baked. “Like the Zodiac.”

“For what?” Bucky peers over at her.

“All I remember from that movie is them rolling around a field together,” Clint mutters. “Maybe that’s how you’re supposed to save her.”

“I’m not saving anyone. Look at her, she’s fine.” Is he the only one who saw it?

When he’s met with skeptical looks and no other useful suggestions, he presses play on the video.

This time it's clearer footage. It hardly takes him a second to ascertain where it was.

"That's her lair." It showed the pathway leading up to the flat concrete building, exactly where the intercom should be.

There was a black Sedan parked haphazardly outside, engine still on judging by the sound of the radio blasting an AC/DC song.

Within a few seconds, someone drags you from the entrance of the lair to the car, despite your very clear protests and opposition, shoving you inside before it takes off in full speed, tires screeching.

"F.R.I.D.A.Y., track the car from that video. Check all the CCTV and surveillance footage from around the area that you can find," Bucky commands, taking a sip of orange juice.

"Why would they send us that?" Clint pipes up. "They make their email untraceable but send us a video of the fuckin' abduction itself?"

"I don't know." Bucky shakes his head, setting his glass down. "She probably convinced them to."

It was an unusual scenario, he realised that. But his eyebrows lower in contemplation, his lip caged between his lip before a thought suddenly occurs to him. A laugh in disbelief almost escapes his throat ad he pushes it down with some freshly cut strawberries.

"And they listened?"

"I don't think you realise how annoying she can be." He knows, though. He knows. "Bet they regret it, though. I should tell them to keep her for a little longer."

"Voice recognition registers voice to someone named Chad, better known by his alias Soul Crusher. Surveillance footage places the car about thirty minutes away. Exact location sent to your phone GPS."

Soul Crusher. That was worse than Dr. Strange.

"I can make that fifteen." Bucky shrugs, setting down his fork and knife. If his hunch is right, the team didn’t really have to get involved. “See you guys later.”

“Do you want any of us coming with you?” Wanda gestures to the crowd at hand.

“I got it.” He pushes away from the table, depositing his plate in the sink, dropping an extra piece of bacon on the ground for Clint’s dog. “She’ll be alright.”

They watch him trail out of the room briskly, heading up to his room to change.

“Is it just me or is he too casual about this?” Clint continues staring long after he leaves.

“Both of them are weirdos.” Nat pulls open the newspaper again, going back to the sport’s section. “Who knows what goes in their heads.”

“Can confirm that not a lot goes on in his.”

Without Bucky to retaliate or grumble, a Steve walking into the room, sweaty and shiny after training becomes the new subject of jokes that morning.

For the first time in months, he’s had to bring a weapon or two along with him. Two revolvers and a couple of knives kept out of plain view. He wouldn’t need more than that anyway.

True to his word, it takes only fifteen minutes to get there, thirteen if he didn’t stop for the chain of ducks that crossed the street.

He’s also dressed in a little more leather than he usually reserves for your meetings. A jacket that brings to act as a windbreaker and tightly laced up combat boots make him look like he either stepped off a runway, or more menacing than usual depending on who was looking.

The GPS points him to an old warehouse near a more subdued part of the city. It was abandoned by the looks of it, and had been for a while judging by the lack of upkeep. Prime real estate.

He pulls off his helmet, hanging it on the handlebar along with his backpack before kicking the stand into place. The bike’s a few metres away just in case they decide to blow something up.

Bucky looks up at the warehouse, assessing the most damage he could do to it if at all it was needed. That thing could barely stand on its own, a grenade would absolutely decimate it. That wasn’t good news for you.

He sighs once before putting on his death glare, straightening out his shoulders into a stature that screams stone-cold, and pushes the door open, gun raised.

A mini-army of people ranging from their early twenties to late thirties stood guard at the entrance, all with rifles pointed at him. He counts fifteen, maybe eighteen.

“Oh, hell no,” a voice erupts from the back, followed by the sound of his gun being thrown to the ground. “No one told me that he was coming.”

Bucky raises an eyebrow, his death glare not shifting and Glock not lowering.

“I’m out.” The same guy raises his hands up to show he meant no harm, slowly brushing past Bucky as he squeezed out of the building.

“You got five seconds to leave before I shut this door,” Bucky gives the rest of them an ultimatum. Not like there was a point anyway. SHIELD was sending down some people to account for the one day rise in new morons.

They all looked at each other, swallowing thickly before raising their weapons.

“I hope he’s giving you good insurance.” The second he finishes his sentence they all cry out in what sounds like a fucking war chant, launching themselves at him.

______

“They’re here.” Someone presses his ear to the door as if the gunshots and screaming weren’t enough.

“Brilliant. We’re ready.” Chad picks up the knife, running his finger along the sharp end. You try to see if you can use your Twitter-ordained powers of manifestation for a paper cut.

“How much are you asking them for?” You put forth a query instead, when it disappointingly doesn’t work.

“Asking who for what?” Chad stops his dumb intimidation tactic for a second.

“You know,” you insist like it was obvious, “my ransom. How much did you ask them to pay?”

“We didn’t-” He looks around at the other people in the room for confirmation. “-we didn’t ask for any.”

“Because I’m invaluable?” Your head droops to the side in mock flattery. “Aw, you guys.”

“We didn’t think of it,” someone from the corner behind you speaks up, coming to the aid of their boss.

“Now that’s just rude.” You tut, shifting maybe an inch or two in your bounds to try and get more comfortable. “Leaving aside your lack of preparation, let’s just assume he bursts in here, desperate and ready to bargain. How much would you ask for?”

“Three million,” Chad says confidently, gathering a nod and sounds of agreement from everyone else.

“Are you serious?” Your jaw drops, a scoff escaping you. “That’s all?”

His self-assurance falters a little bit, you can see it under his 5 Minutes Craft mask.

“Three mill-” You stop mid-sentence. “With this wiring? Ridiculous. Make it ten, I demand it.”

“We’ll ask for fifteen mil,” Chad proposes, his teammates agreeing again, a little more delighted than last time.

“Ask for thirty, you coward,” you argued. “Thirty million and a jet.”

“You’re not worth that much.” The dipshit diagonal to you pipes up with his unwanted and, frankly, useless opinion.

“And you are?” You whip around the best you can. “Henchman number four?”

“Megedagik,” he informs, standing up a little taller now that he was given some importance. “It means ‘killer of many’.”

“Did you just say your name was Mega Dick?”

“Megedagik,” he corrects.

You stare at him hard before turning away. “Alright, other than Mega Dick here, does anyo-”

A knife lands right next to your feet, driven at least an inch into the ground. You look up at the guy you managed to piss off within four sentences, his face now a beet red.

“These are brand new, asshole,” you barked, shaking your shoes around. “You’re gonna pay if there’s even a scratch on it.”

“Permission to kill her?” Meg growls, casting a side eye at Chad.

The boss man looks at you thoughtfully, assessing the repercussions of what might happen. You raise an eyebrow.

“Slow and painful,” he settles.

A small smirk makes its way onto your face.

“Title of your sex tape,” you quip as the man in the corner storms towards you.

_____

It’s all a flurry, really. A bunch of inexperienced newcomers versus one of the most skilled assassins the world had ever seen? Ten minutes tops.

Bucky doesn’t do any serious damage. A couple of broken bones but only out of necessity, a lot of concussions, and maybe a bullet wound, or three, here and there.

Most of the time he spends thinking about things that have absolutely nothing to do with what was going on. He forgot to take his laundry out of the machine. There was a biscotti recipe he had been procrastinating on trying. His succulents needed watering but he could do that once he was back. Was he wearing his good combat pants or was it the pair that had a hole in the pocket?

His left hand thrust outwards to shove someone away while he stuck his right hand into his pocket to check if it had frayed away. The person he pushed slams into a wall with a loud groan and no, his pants didn’t have a hole in them.

He stops to take a breather, assess what was going on. There are bodies scattered all around, mostly writhing in pain from minor injuries. Someone very bravely stands up, hands posed in front of him in a regular fighting stance.

“You sure about this?” Bucky asks, reaching for one of the concealed knives he hadn’t had a chance of using yet. It twirls rather nimbly between his fingers for something so dangerous, the hilt finally landing in his palm for a sturdy grip.

The man takes one look at the knife before sitting right back down on the ground.

“Good choice,” his voice drops to an octave lower than his self-esteem. He’s tired of this old routine but it works like a neat little party trick, often getting him the result he wanted. “Where?”

A few fingers point down the hall to the only room whose door was closed.

He makes sure to step over everyone who was lying along the way, ears tuned in to even the smallest of noises just in case one of them decided to attack him from the back. It doesn’t come.

He doesn’t bother creeping down the hallway. With all the ruckus that just went on outside, he’s pretty sure it’s obvious that they had an intruder.

Bucky kicks in the large steel door with ease, given that it was barely hanging on its hinges. His gun’s raised, muscles tight, and senses on high alert for any immediate threats.

It lands with a large thud, reverberating through the room. He’s reminded of your first meeting with him.

There’s a chair in the middle of the room with a person tied to it by a mixture of rope and tape. Others found themselves slithering around on the floor in a similar fashion, trying to get out of their bondages.

“Hey, James,” you call out, drawing his attention to you. You were sitting atop a table, legs swinging back and forth without a care in the world, a blade in your hand.

“You okay?” He tucks the gun into his waistband when he realises that none of the henchmen are going to be going anywhere soon.

“All good.” You hop off the table with a little spring in your step. “Did you bring your bike? I need a ride back to the lair. I think I left the TV on when I was, you know, getting kidnapped.”

“You coulda teleported back home before all of this even happened.” Bucky does a quick assessment of your body to make sure there weren’t any bruises or anything of the sort. “Avoided the whole thing.”

“Don’t have the watch with me.” Odd, since he knows you consider it one of your essentials but it just fuels his theory further. “Besides, if I just quit before we started, they’d keep messing with me over and over again.”

“Do you want me to punch someone’s face in?” He glances around the room at the ones wiggling about on the floor like fucking worms. “I’d be happy to.”

“Nah, I got a few in myself.” You rotate your wrist, other hand still holding onto the knife. “You know what, maybe I’ll have another go.”

He simply makes a noise in acknowledgement before he places a hand on the hem of your shirt, gently reeling you back. “I think you fixed ‘em up real good. That’s enough for today.”

“Fine but only ‘cause you said so.” You huff, looking past him and at the weirdos on the ground. “You hear that? This man just saved your life. Say ‘thank you’.”

A muffled chorus of what sounded like appreciation echoed through the room. Bucky awkwardly looks around.

“Damn right.” You walk over to the guy in charge of the whole event, bending down to his level. “If you ever try to fuck with us again...”

You stare straight into his eyes, unblinking. You hold up the knife to his Adam’s apple. Chad doesn’t dare to move other than the thick swallow.

You raise your finger and flick him in the forehead. “Get a better costume.”

The corner of Bucky’s lip quirks upward.

“Let’s go, sarge,” you announce, standing upright again and making a motion to follow you. “D’you have an extra helmet I could use?”

“Yeah.” He had brought one along in his bag, assuming that you’d need one once he noticed the watch was missing in the footage.

“Yay.”

The only storage space on his bike was under his seat and it’s just enough for an extra revolver. Clint asked him if it was his way of flirting with someone, give ‘em a quick spin around the city and then show them his gun. If looks could kill, Clint would be 7 feet under.

“You sure you wanna ride it, though?” He cringes immediately when he realises what it sounds like, waiting for you to smack the innuendo in his face. “We could wait for SHIELD.”

“Don’t really have another choice, Bucky,” you say absentmindedly, strolling out the room as you tossed the knife behind you.

He frowns at your indifference but turns around for a second to look at Chad. The man in question looks back viciously, his grandeur from that morning basically deflated and left to die along with his reputation.

“Might wanna reconsider the name,” Bucky remarks, doing a quick sweep of the area once more. “Soul Crusher.”

He waits until both of you are outside the cell and the door is shut on the ringleader and his circus clowns, handlebar twisted out of place so that they don’t escape for the time being.

“One second,” he calls, touch gently lingering on your forearm to stop you without even thinking twice about it. A famously uncharacteristic move for him.

"Hm?” You don’t even look like you notice his action.

“You sure you’re good?” he asks seriously, actual concern slipping through the question. “Do you need medical assistance?”

“They couldn’t hurt me anyway.” There’s something strange about the way you say it, almost assuredly. “I’m good.”

“Okay,” he concedes, his hand darting back when he realises it was still on your arm. His eyebrows furrow when he realises how instinctively he had reached out in the first place. He didn’t touch anyone, ever.

“What are we gonna do about them?” you inquire, stepping over someone on the floor to get to the exit.

“Marie told Agent Hill. They’re sending someone over.”

“They’re sending SHIELD for these wannabes?” Someone groans in protest from somewhere and you elect to ignore them. “Ew.”

“Just to make sure confidential information isn’t compromised in any way.” There’s a large bang that comes from the room they just left. Maybe one of them shot their teammate by accident. They were more than capable of doing it.

“I would never,” you exacted a little more solemnly, pushing the door open with your elbow to let the sunlight flood in.

“I know.” He doesn’t realise how dark it was in the warehouse until he steps out into the noon sun. “I’m pretty sure this is more about the fact that you were abducted.”

“For me?” The smile doesn’t quite reach your eyes the way he kinda likes. Something definitely felt off. “I love being class favourite.”

He doesn’t reply, a small grunt as he twists the handle of the warehouse door upwards, effectively jamming it.

“Can I drive?” You bat your eyelashes at him innocently, disregarding the loud screaming that came from inside as those less injured probably regrouped for a last ditch attempt.

“No,” he doesn’t hesitate in replying, handing you a helmet and buckling his own securely.

“But I just got kidnapped,” you complained, watching him swing a leg over the bike and straddle it. Okay then.

“All the more reason for you not to drive right now.” He mentions for you to get on, squinting at the warehouse a few feet away.

“Fine, but next time I’m driving,” you grumble, climbing on the back.

“Do you even know how to?” His head is tilted to look at you from the corner of his eye, voice heavier on account of the obstruction on his face.

The door starts shaking violently and he knows for a fact that it won’t hold up for much longer. Some of those who he had knocked out probably had been shaken awake again for manpower.

“I can learn.” You take a pause, mischief seeping into your next words. “You can teach me.”

“No.” He didn’t exactly practice what was considered safe, law abiding driving. He just got from one point to another and that’s all he cared about.

“Then I’ll do it myself.” You sound determined. “I’m going to leave a note for us in the lair.”

“You do that.” He revs the engine when something solid hits the metal door. As guessed, their usage of props to push it down faster was coming into play. “Now, can you hold on to something? We need to go.”

If only those idiots just realised that the windows covered by newspapers were right there, ready to be broken.

“Only if you promise to let me drive next time,” you say defiantly, drawing this whole ordeal out.

“Whatever,” he urges. “I promise. Now can we go?”

“Wait for it...” There’s a devilish smile on your face. “One.”

There’s a loud creak as the door finally gives way.

“Two.” The same people you left tied up in the room burst out, almost stumbling over each other in the process.

“Three,” he completes it on his own, not waiting for you to finish because God knows how long you’d stretch it out just for the drama.

Your excited screech of laughter as he narrowly misses a rod that gets thrown at him like a fucking javelin temporarily distracts him from the brain freeze he gets when your arms wind around his waist to hold yourself in place.

There’s angry screaming and bullets that whiz past in an attempt to get him to stop but a swift turn around a corner, pulling the both of you out of their sight is enough to get rid of them.

“We should get a few weapons and go back,” you yell over the wind rushing by, barely audible.

“You do that in your own free time,” he shouts in response, yanking you through narrower lanes and less popular streets.

“Maybe I will, you bore.”

Still, you shut up for the rest of the ride, only grumbling when he stops the bike to tell you that no, you cannot let go just because you want to throw your hands in the air like in the movies.

You hop off when he finally pulls up on the street outside your lair, adrenaline still pumping through your veins. He waits patiently as you unbuckle the helmet, switching off the engine.

“You gonna drop me off at my door too, now?” You snicker, fingers pulling off the helmet.

He looks at you for a second before dropping the kickstand into place and dismounting from the motorcycle.

“I was kidding.” You laugh, handing him your headgear that he shoves into his backpack.

“You’re pretty capable of gettin’ abducted along the way.” An absurd notion, considering it’s a short path from the road to the door.

“Oh, how chivalrous.” You let him tag along anyway, for his peace of mind.

“My ma didn’t expect any less.” A couple of sharp lessons from Winifred Barnes and Bucky was nothing short of a damn angel.

You knock on the door three times, crossing your arms over your chest as you waited.

“Aren’t you the one with the key?” Bucky questions, one hand on his waist.

The door swung open in the middle of his sentence revealing... you.

Another you.

“Nah, she has it.” Ex-Kidnapped-You raises your head in acknowledgement at Doorway-You.

“Ah.” He fucking knew it. An unnatural sense of smugness blossoms in his chest.

“Hey,” the both of you said at the same time.

Doorway-You looked way more relaxed, a little less grimy and dishevelled but exactly the same.

“Buck, I see you met my other half,” the you from the doorway greets him. “Or other whole, actually.”

“Sure did.” He sends a glance at Ex-Kidnapped-You.

“You can go on in. Big first day, huh?” Doorway-You refers to the you beside him.

“You wouldn’t believe,” Ex-Kidnaped-You mutters, pushing past the entrance and disappearing inside.

“She gonna be okay?” His gaze trails after your clone.

“Oh yeah, just needs to recharge.” You turn around to make sure she’s fine. “She’s made of some pretty strong carbon, technically almost indestructible.”

No wonder ‘you’ said they couldn’t hurt you.

“Heya, sarge.” You draw his attention back to you. “Always good to see you.”

“Can’t really say the same about you.”

“Ever the emotional repressor, Mr Barnes. I like this little leather show you got going, did ya wear it just for me?”

He shifts his balance to his other foot, feet slightly wide apart. “Take it that the clone machine finally worked?”

“I was in the middle of celebrating.” You sigh, recalling the events of that morning. “Teleported home for a second to get some champagne and when I came back she was gone.”

“Irresponsible.” He tsks, head shaking in disappointment.

“Sorry I didn’t take amateur kidnappers into account for my risk factor analysis, Bucky,” you shoot back, pressing on his name for added annoyance. “Anyway, I did the responsible thing. I sent all the evidence I had to you guys.”

“Real clever.” Bucky looks at you in dry amusement. “Attack on the clone? Really?”

“Hey, always make time for a good pun.” You finger gun, lopsided grin on your face. “Did the team like it?”

“They thought it was a typo.” Or a code. He really had Wanda to thank for his big revelation. “Your video didn’t help either.”

“Don’t tell me they couldn’t make out it was me.” You laugh, crossing your arms over your chest.

He doesn’t reply, pursing his lip inwards in sympathy, but more so to conceal a smile.

The happiness drops from your face slowly, horror taking its place. “Don’t tell me they couldn’t make out it was me.”

“Good job, your machine worked,” he adds helpfully.

“C’mon, there were so many differences,” you whine, the success of your endeavour the last thing on your mind.

“That is your literal clone,” he points out, only to see you- clone you- walk into the giant box in the corner of the room, bright green light emanating from it like a xerox machine.

“How could they not tell the original apart from a copy?” You look genuinely offended. Insane. “Not even Sam?”

“Guess you’re not unique enough.” A rise and fall of his shoulders signify his attitude towards this whole thing. “Think I like your copy better, too, actually.”

“You’re so mean.” You puff in disbelief. “I’m a 100% original. How many mad scientist teachers do you know?”

“Two.”

“I don’t mean now, that’s not even the-” You poke at his rock hard chest. “You are so much more annoying than when I first met you.”

He thinks it’s good relationship development.

“I have to deal with you every weekend.” He watches your finger drop from his chest. “Picked it up along the way.”

“Boo hoo, talking like you don’t have deep, deep feelings for me.” You roll your eyes. “I see right through you, Bucky Barnes.”

“Can you see the part that couldn’t give less of a shit?” He gestures to himself. “It’s all of it.”

“You think you’re such a comedian, huh?” You narrow your eyebrows. “How did you know she was a fake then, huh?”

Busted.

“Probably ‘cause you didn’t talk as much today,” he dodges. “Actually had some peace of mind for a change.”

“You knew before you got there, you liar.” You push past his fabrications. “You figured it out before everyone else.”

“You literally put it in the title.”

“Yeah, but the rest of the team saw it too.”

“Rest of the team didn’t know you were building a goddamn clone machine for months.”

“You remembered that?” You pulled away, palm over your heart. “Oh, sarge, you paid attention to me.”

His nose twitches.

“You said it, like, eight hundred times.” He could use both his hands to count the number of references you had offhandedly made in the last three weeks alone.

“Why'd you go save me when you knew it wasn't real?” you continue to challenge relentlessly, knowing fully well that he was fibbing.

“Because you fuckin’ peer pressured me. Had the whole team around me when you sent your little video during breakfast.”

“Just admit it,” you coo, ignoring all his justifications. “You noticed it was fake me right away but showed up anyway because you’re wildly in love with me.”

“No,” he says stiffly.

“No as in you won’t admit it you have a crush on me, or no as in you didn’t know it was fake me?”

There was no winning this.

“Good day to you.” He pulls the motorcycle helmet on to hide the expression that plain as day screamed the former of your two options.

“Also,” you bring up indignantly, “she even got to ride the fucking bike and I’ve been asking to drive it for months now!”

“We-” he chooses his words carefully. “-compromised.”

“Oh, you did?” Your voice lowers at the newfound information, interest piqued. “I’m gonna hold you to that then, whatever it is.”

“Doesn’t count.”

“Absolutely does,” you huff. “A promise is legally binding. Blue’s Clues taught me that.”

“Bye, Y/N.”

“You’re my knight in leathery armour,” you swoon, switching sides immediately, “Kinda.”

“See you next week,” he says in farewell, determined to leave before you made it worse. “Try not to get killed by then.”

“Why, so you can do it yourself? Protective much?” You pull him back when he starts walking away, laughing slightly. “Wait a second, you weirdo.”

He sighs, staying put anyway, arms crossed impatiently over his chest.

You pull out the pen tucked behind your ear and slowly tap him twice on each shoulder in a makeshift knighting ceremony. “For your sacrifice.”

He rolls his eyes at the ludicrousness, tongue clicking against the roof of his mouth.

You ignore his lack of enthusiasm, pressing your fingertips to your lips in a small kiss and then to his nose, given that it was the only part of his face you had access to.

“That was for your bravery.” You grin brightly at him and he sure as hell is glad he’s wearing the stupid helmet because he can feel his cheeks light up a bright crimson.

“Thanks.” His voice sounds gruffer than a second ago. He clears his throat.

“Now you’re my knight in leathery armour,” you fawn, nearly falling over yourself dramatically. “Let’s ride into the sunset together. I love you.”

“You’re ridiculous,” he calls out over his shoulder, turning away to return to his bike. “I despise you.”

“But you don’t.”

He really didn’t.

also i managed to fuck my phone up really bad so all proceeds from my ko-fi go towards getting it fixed

Next part

#bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #mcu fic #bucky fic #bucky barnes fic #bucky fluff #bucky barnes fluff #bucky angst #bucky barnes angst #harmless fic #winter soldier x reader #Winter Soldier #bucky barnes #bucky

946 notes · View notes

robininthelabyrinth · 4 years ago

Text

part 3 of Escape Your Destiny (Star Wars Wangxian AU) - on ao3 or tumblr part 1, part 2

He had been right to reject seclusion, Lan Wangji thought grimly. The sweet siren call of calm contemplation had nearly seduced him, the Dark Side seeking to eat away at him through other means now that anger and hatred had not done the work – he would have meditated himself into a stupor, becoming little more than a vacuum within the Force, a black hole of deathly intent.

More than that, though, he would have missed – this.

This disaster.

Wei Wuxian’s lips were pale from blood loss and hypothermia. Two of his limbs were at odd angles, probably broken, and Lan Wangji feared that there were more like them beneath the body that was bruised like a tender peach – he had been shielding as many people as he could, Lan Wangji knew, because he knew his Wei Ying too well to think that he might have done anything else.

Lan Wangji still didn’t know all the details, what exactly had been the disaster or why Wei Wuxian’s starfighter had crashed when he knew (with painful recollection) exactly how good a pilot Wei Wuxian was, but it hadn’t really mattered. Xue Yang had rushed into his chamber shouting excitedly - not exactly a rare event - saying something about an alarm and a disaster and a crash and can I have one of these gadgets? possibly two, maybe, I’m thinking two but haven’t really committed yet, it’s a big decision you know, and Lan Wangji’s blood had run cold when he realized what alarm he was referencing.

(A proper Jedi would never have tagged the object of his affections like an endangered bird or a criminal, injecting the tracking chip so deep into bone and muscle that standard scans wouldn’t pick it up and even in-depth scans might register it as a naturally occurring aberration. A proper Jedi would think of such intimate surveillance as cruelty, dehumanization, the caging of a free bird –

A proper Jedi wouldn’t have known what happened.

A proper Jedi wouldn’t have been able to rush over at once, wouldn’t have been in time to retrieve the body from the wreckage, finding it still warm and breathing but swiftly fading into the Force.

A proper Jedi would have been worthless.)

“That looks pretty bad, Master,” Xue Yang said, the comm crackling in his ear, and for once his tone was almost solemn. Perhaps the lessons on empathy were working, following the introduction of the rancor Xue Yang had named Chengmei with an expression so pained and vicious that Lan Wangji had refrained from asking. Perhaps it was that he’d grown so obsessed with his pair of bounty hunters and their foundling assistant, a little not-blind Bothan girl who liked to mouth off at him. Or perhaps it was just something as simple as knowing that if Wei Wuxian were lost, Lan Wangji would have no reason to –

No reason to anything at all.

“It is within the limits of what a bacta tank can heal,” Lan Wangji said, because it was, it would be, as long as he got him there in time.

Time that was swiftly running out.

Later, when Wei Wuxian was safe, Lan Wangji would return to that obscure little space station that had nearly caused his beloved’s death and he would find out what had happened properly. He would find out, and he would slaughter every one of them that caused it, torment them for days if he needed to in order to know who to blame – it didn’t matter if their contribution were accidental or deliberate, major or slight. He would offer up a sacrifice of their suffering to the Dark Side, as solemn as lighting a stick of incense at a temple –

When Wei Wuxian was safe.

Because he would be. He had to be.

Lan Wangji’s Wei Ying would not die so easily.

“Uh, Master? We don’t have a bacta tank.” Xue Yang was silent for a long moment. “I don’t know that many people around here that do. This is Outer Rim, remember? Not even the Hutts have one.”

“There is one in an outpost in the Quiberon sector,” Lan Wangji said. His attention was split between piloting their stolen ship as fast as he could and monitoring Wei Wuxian’s vital signs. He had transferred a certain amount of energy into him already, but the Dark Side was poisonous in overly large quantities, especially if one was not accustomed to it; a pure Jedi like Wei Wuxian couldn’t tolerate it, and Lan Wangji would not risk making him worse. “Inat Prime system. I’ve entered the coordinates. Set us up for a jump to lightspeed.”

“Inat Prime,” Xue Yang repeated, instead of doing as he was told. “Isn’t that – near Rothana?”

Lan Wangji said nothing.

“Rothana’s a manufacturing planet. Heavy engineering – warships. It used to belong to a subsidy of the Jin Engineering Corps, maybe still does, I don’t know, but either way manufacturing planets like that are where those sleemos keep their precious IP. And that means it’s going to be guarded and booby-trapped up your chubba. Who in their right mind would set up an outpost anywhere near there?”

Xue Yang was descending into Huttese slang again, Lan Wangji noted to himself, keeping his calm only by sheer force of willpower even as the Dark Side screamed in his mind that now was the time for rage and pain and blood. Given his hatred of the entire species, Xue Yang only did that when he was especially anxious and didn’t want to admit it.

Later, when he didn’t have more pressing things on his mind, Lan Wangji would have to inquire of his apprentice – which he had previously believed was as transparent to him as a sheet of transparisteel – how he had learned about things like top-secret Jin Engineering manufacturing planets and IP and such things like that.

Later. Right now, he didn’t care.

“Prepare for jump,” he said again, the threat in his voice clear, and this time Xue Yang scrambled to obey, mumbling curses as he went. This was more typical of Xue Yang, but in this case it signified that he was concentrating, and that was all Lan Wangji cared about.

The rest of the trip passed as if in a daze, time counted in the beats of Wei Wuxian’s heart. Still strong, because Wei Wuxian was strong – this wouldn’t be the end of him. It wouldn’t.

Lan Wangji would make sure of that.

“We’re here,” Xue Yang said, breaking through Lan Wangji’s extreme focus on the rise and fall of Wei Wuxian’s chest. “I’m going to guess that our destination is the third planet? If you can call those other ones planets, they’re barely more than asteroids…”

Lan Wangji hummed, affirming.

“So, you going to tell me what this place is? Some super-secret Sith hideout?”

“No.”

“Smuggler’s base? Bounty hunter lair? Mandalorian terrorist cell? Clone factory?”

Lan Wangji rolled his eyes. Xue Yang had been reading too many historical action comics again.

“No, but seriously, Master! I deserve to know what we’re getting into, don’t I? What is this place?”

Lan Wangji was tempted to say you deserve nothing but what I give you, you filthy-tongue swamp-rat, but that was the Dark Side speaking, not him, and not only because the Gusu Lan Jedi order in which he had been raised did not permit cursing. It was simply anathema to him - he was Sith, but not a Lord, and he had encouraged this self-same insolence because it was better than having Xue Yang cringe before him like a kicked dog.

No matter how irritating it might be at times like this.

“It’s Jedi,” he said shortly, and to his amusement that actually shut Xue Yang up for a solid minute.

“I’m sorry, Master, I think I temporarily went insane due to Dark Force poisoning,” Xue Yang finally said. “But did you say that we’re planning on popping over and ‘borrowing’ the bacta tank of a bunch of Jedi?”

“Mm.”

“Master. Master. Please tell me you remember that we’re Sith, right? Sort of the sworn enemy of the Jedi? Arrest-on-sight orders? Any of this ringing any bells here? No? In short, have you lost your mind?”

Lan Wangji took Wei Wuxian’s pulse again. It was getting increasingly thready; he frowned.

“Take us in,” he ordered, and Xue Yang made a whining sound not unlike an especially agitated cat, but he obeyed, finding the planetary base and flashing them with a urgent medical attention required signal and transmitting the passcode Lan Wangji recited to him.

The base opened its doors in silent invitation.

Xue Yang took them in, apparently resigned to his fate and determined to pointedly suffer and judge him without saying a word.

This determination cracked the second they passed through the gates.

“Master!” he shrieked. “Master, Master! That’s the Qinghe Nie emblem!”

“It is,” Lan Wangji agreed. Foreseeing Xue Yang’s next question, he added, “It is here because this is an outpost of the Qinghe Nie Jedi order.”

Xue Yang sounded a bit like a rusty door when he hyperventilated, and even more so when he started laughing hysterically. How had he ever survived being a Sith before, if this was how he reacted to stress?

“Great, right, yes,” he said, nearly howling. “Sure, why not? Let’s go knock on the door of some Jedi and ask them for a bacta tank like we’re borrowing a cup of sugar, sure, okay, we can do that. Jedi are chumps, they’re all about mercy and sympathy and bantha fodder like that; we can con ‘em - it’ll be tricky, but it can be done when you’re in a pinch. I’m fine with that, up for it, it’s cool, all cool. You know who we can’t con? Qinghe Nie, that’s who. ‘Suppress evil no matter the cost’ Qinghe karking Nie.”

Lan Wangji ignored him, scooping Wei Wuxian into his arms and heading out into the saber hall.

Three grim-faced Jedi dressed in the immediately identifiable colors of the Qinghe Nie were waiting there, hands on their lightsabers and droids lingering in the corridors, but they did not attack. Instead, they led Lan Wangji, a nervous Xue Yang dogging his heels, to the medical bay, never uttering a single word.

The medical droids took Wei Wuxian from his arms – Lan Wangji forced himself to recall the Lan sect mantras on restraint and allowed them to do so without ripping out their wires for daring to touch him – but it wasn’t until Wei Wuxian was firmly encased in the bacta tank, the oxygen-rich liquid flowing into his lungs to heal him, the colors on all the screens all showing positive signs, that he was finally able to release the breath it felt that he’d been holding since he first saw the broken starfighter that encased Wei Wuxian’s broken body.

This was fine.

“Wangji,” a low voice said from behind him, and Lan Wangji’s back stiffened.

This was not fine.

The Qinghe Nie were a strange order of Jedi – almost heretical, really, by any traditional measure. The orthodox Jedi order, for the most part, valued calm and serenity and selflessness, prioritizing the logic of the mind over the yearning of the heart, preaching detachment from worldly concerns and attachments…

Qinghe Nie, in contrast, valued righteousness, and cultivated rage.

Halfway to Sith, Lan Wangji’s uncle had once remarked after a glass of something stronger than tea. He’d regretted it later, of course, and tried to walk it back, smooth over his uncharacteristic rudeness, but Lan Wangji still remembered.

The adherents of Qinghe Nie were of the view that for every virtue there was a fault – that the Jedi’s emotional remove would at times render them passive, that self-control could too quickly shade into indifference. They argued that it was the duty of the virtuous to be enraged by evil, intolerant of it, and that only through that anger would they be motivated to act to eradicate it.

Their philosophy often led to their deaths, whether through reckless action or through the corruption of rage into madness, but even their harshest critics had to concede that they were devastatingly effective.

Lan Wangji had always thought that there was something heartbreakingly sincere about all the Jedi that took the harsh vows of Qinghe Nie, each one willingly trading away long lives for the sake of righteousness, for the ability to make a change in the world, each one unable to tolerate life if it meant they weren’t striving to make things better. Perhaps they did not match the Jiang for creativity or the Lan for elegance, perhaps their techniques were more brutish and less refined, their diplomacy little short of appalling, but no other Jedi order could match them for sheer power.

Very few people wanted to be between a Qinghe Nie Jedi and their target, and still less if they had allowed themselves to succumb to the beserker rage that sometimes took them on the battlefield – indeed, in a crisis that called for force of arms, most people who knew what they were about would rather have a single Qinghe Nie on their side than an entire battalion of war-droids from the Jin or Wen engineering corps.

Still, even that efficiency might not have been enough to convince the ancient sticklers of the Jedi Council to condone such a Sith-like view of the Force, but the Qinghe Nie also had an unsurpassed connection to the kyber crystals that were essential to the creation of lightsabers – the mines under their hands were far more numerous and more fruitful than any other order, and for all that they seemed to have dubious connections to the lightsabers they crafted and wielded, with their highly unusual one-sided edge, they were always open-handed and willing to let other Jedi pick freely from their stores.

With the ancestral weapon of the entire Jedi order at stake, even the Jedi Council unwillingly bowed its head to reality and compromised.

Not very happily. Especially since the fierce young head of the Qinghe Nie order – the great Chifeng-zun, Nie Mingjue – had been constantly causing trouble for them ever since he had been admitted to their deliberations.

More relevantly, though, was that Nie Mingjue was also a good friend of Lan Xichen, Lan Wangji’s elder brother by blood, and it had been the gift of his token, his passcode, never revoked, that they had used to enter through the gates.

(Look what happened to the Twin Jades you prized so much, my old clansmen, Uncle, Father, Grandfather. Look at me now. Begging for scraps from a Nie -)

Lan Wangji turned and saluted, bowing deeply and ignoring Xue Yang, who had progressed so far into hysterical laughter that he was now hiccupping.

Nie Mingjue caught his hands and raised him up, just the way he always had, and that grim face surveyed Lan Wangji from top to bottom, those searing eyes seeming to pierce into the depths of his corrupted soul.

“You look well,” he said, which surprised even Lan Wangji, who had thought himself beyond surprises. “That’s good.”

“What the fuck,” Xue Yang muttered. “What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck – you guys are with me here, right? This is kriffing insane…”

The Qinghe Nie Jedi ignored him.

“Chifeng-zun,” Lan Wangji said politely, and ignored the man’s raised eyebrow. He was not about to fall back into calling him da-ge the way he’d done back when he was in the Jedi crèche, no matter how tempting – everyone had called Nie Mingjue da-ge back then, too young to be afraid of his fierce and barely leashed energy. “Thank you for lending us temporary use of your base.”

There wasn’t really a polite way to say I wasn’t expecting to run into you here under the circumstances, but from the way Nie Mingjue snorted, Lan Wangji suspected he’d understood regardless.

“Checking up on the Jin,” he said, an explanation that Lan Wangji didn’t deserve to hear. “Treasonous svapers, the lot of them. Is this Wei Wuixan?”

Lan Wangji nodded. His heart was unexpectedly in his throat as Nie Mingjue studied the other Jedi through the glass of the bacta tank, though he wasn’t sure why.

He was Sith now, after all. Why would he care what Nie Mingjue thought?

It would have been easier if Nie Mingjue had been angry at him, full of rage the way he so often was. Easier if he’d turned his tongue as sharp as any lightsaber to scolding him, or turned his face away in coldness. Nie Mingjue notoriously despised the Sith, had probably meant to call the Jin Sithspawn instead of svapers earlier, had probably switched the word only in deference to Lan Wangji’s current occupation – which meant he knew, because of course he knew, there was no way Lan Xichen hadn’t told him even if his position on the Council hadn’t already entitled him to all such secrets.

He knew, and he still persisted in acting like – like –

“Cute enough,” Nie Mingjue commented, and Lan Wangji covered his suddenly burning face with both hands. “You have good taste.”

“Please stop,” Lan Wangji mumbled, mortified beyond all belief. Xue Yang was looking back and between the two of them with his jaw gaping wider than a Gungan’s.

Nie Mingjue snorted, amused. “I carried you around on my shoulders when you were knee high, Wangji. I think I’m entitled to torment you a bit about your crush.”

Xue Yang looked like he was going to forsake the ways of the Sith, convert to Qinghe Nie, and start logging prayers at the temple of Nie Mingjue, and Lan Wangji couldn’t even blame him.

“Don’t you have anything to say about –” Lan Wangji shut his mouth with a snap.

He didn’t actually want to hear Nie Mingjue exorcising him for his choices, no matter how little he regretted them.

Nie Mingjue was silent for a moment, contemplative. “No.”

Lan Wangji blinked, not understanding.

“I don’t have anything to say,” Nie Mingjue clarified with a shrug. “I can’t say I entirely understand why you chose what you did, but we all choose our own paths in the Force, Wangji. I have faith that even though your path leads you to the Dark Side now, it will eventually lead you back to us once more. If you keep your sense of righteousness about you and continue to stand up for what you believe is right as you always have – and avoid engaging in the wholesale slaughter of innocents the way so many Sith do – I will never be disappointed in you.”

…maybe Lan Wangji would allow the people in that spaceport to live.

But only because it would hurt Wei Wuxian to know that he had sacrificed so much for nothing, of course. It was pure selfishness, nothing more.

(The Dark Side hissed in his head, bitter-angry-vicious-hate-hate-hate, but Lan Wangji hadn’t been Hanguang-jun for nothing. He controlled himself, allowing for only the influences he chose to accept – it was his independence that had led him to the Dark Side, and his independence, he believed, that would allow him to forge his own path, as Nie Mingjue had said, even inside the ways of the Sith. His uncle would say that such thoughts were pure arrogance, pride before the fall, but, well. He’d already Fallen, hadn’t he?)

“Would you like to stay with him until his vital signs have recovered?” Nie Mingjue asked, and Lan Wangji nodded, grateful despite himself.

Grateful, too, that Nie Mingjue did not speak of Lan Wangji reconciling with the rest of his old order.

“I will not stay longer,” he added. “I know it must be a burden to you, opening your doors to one such as me –”

“Ridiculous,” Nie Mingjue scoffed. “This is a secret base, Wangji. If you don’t say anything about it, who’ll know? And before you ask, I’m going to tell Wei Wuxian that you saved his life whether you’re here for him waking up or not, so take that into account when selecting your leave time. And I’ll exaggerate.”

He would, too, Lan Wangji thought fondly. Nie Mingjue had always been big brother to all the Jedi younglings, no matter how grown up they eventually got, and he never let them forget it.

“I’ll consider it,” he allowed, and settled into a meditation pose at the side of the room.

“As for you,” Nie Mingjue said to Xue Yang, who straightened up so quickly that he might as well have attached a ruler to his spine. “I hear that you’re the one that’s been attacking Hutt palaces?”

Xue Yang glanced at Lan Wangji, who sighed.

“You shouldn’t encourage him, da-ge,” he murmured. “He gets into enough trouble as it is.”

“Comradery does more to defeat evil than any amount of solitary philosophizing,” Nie Mingjue proclaimed, certain as ever in his own righteousness. It would be unbearably irritating if it was anyone less sincerely bullheaded about it, earnest but full of flaws. “Anyway, it’d be good for some of our padawans to see a Sith in action without needing to go up against one right off the bat. You in?”

“…in? I don’t – there aren’t any Hutt palaces around here..?”

“They take their travelling palaces on the Quiberon Line,” one of the Qinghe Nie Jedi said, and Xue Yang’s eyes lit up at the promise of what he undoubtedly thought was an opportunity for wholesale slaughter. It wouldn’t be, of course, not when he was going to be fighting alongside the strict Qinghe Nie, but it would keep him busy for the time it took Wei Wuxian to stabilize and recover.

Maybe Lan Wangji would even stay long enough to speak with his Wei Ying before retreating to be his silent and unwanted protector again.

Maybe.

#mdzs #lan wangji #wei wuxian #xue yang #nie mingjue #my fic #my fics #escape your destiny #star wars au

154 notes · View notes

bow-and-dagger · 4 years ago

Text

Star Wars Reincarnation AU

I’ve read a lot of Star Wars fics where you have time travelers or prisoner-in-carbonite people who comes to save the day but! Consider this: Reincarnation!!!!

Why isn’t this a thing? Especially all the Force shenanigans a reincarnation implies!

Consider this: Jango reincarnated as one of his own clones! Pre-Order 66 or Post-Order 66 doesn’t really matter, just the FEELS! Bonding with his batchmates, fearing the cullings and other mistreatments, bonding with his Jedi General, seeing the Jedi as the good, if sometimes flawed (like all sentient beings), people they are! And then remembering his life as Jango! And Boba! and-! JUST THE FEELS!!!

(Also, a great alternative would be Jaster being reincarnated as one of Jango’s clones, preferably one of the first, and remembering his past-life before Geonosis!

Jango, seeing a clone litteraly mowing down the competition: *he reminds me of someone* “hey, you! What’s your name?”

Jaster, who doesn’t remember yet but has weird inate knowledge of things: “Jaster, sir!”

Jango: !!!!)

-_-_-_-_-_-_-

BUT! I present you the golden idea that started this post:

Tarre Vizsa!

Where’s the lambda teen who suddenly wakes up with the memories of his past life flooding his mind?

Like, give me a teen, alone, aimless and on his own in a cruel galaxy that suddenly remembers he can make his own family by adopting the people he likes!!! He researches, trains, buy weapons, finds out what has happened since his death, figures out the current Manda’lor (Jaster, ofc, ‘cuz I’m a sucker for happy fix-it) is doing a good job transforming a bloddthirsty culture into a bloodthirsty culture with honor and standards and then finds out HIS OWN DESCENDANTs and CLAN are being utter idiots and bastards!

Give me an ex-Jetii Manda’lor going on the warpath against the Death Watch, killing/subduing them, taking back his ‘saber (I have this image stucks in my head of Tarre cooing over his darksaber “My preciousssss! Which one of these fools manhandled you like some sort of common tool?! I’ll make them pay!”) and just generally sowing chaos everywhere he goes, f***ing up the sith’s plans along the way.

Give me Tarre going to Bandomeer or Melida/Daan because of the Force/avoiding Jaster, Jango & Cie who have questions/avoiding the Order and the Republic who also have questions and meeting Obi-Wan and the Young and going “Okay, MINE, now! No take back!” *insert delighted/maniacal laughter*.

Give me Obi-Wan who meets this weird teen barely older than he is but who already has the presence of a Master and who wants him as his student, him! The failed apprentice! The self-exiled Padawan!

Give me Tarre travelling around the galaxy with his adopted son/Padawan and a gaggle of other kids and even some adults he adopts on the spot, meeting new friends, accidentaly-on-purpose kickstarting revolutions, kicking shebs and taking names.

Give me all that and give me everyone else scratching their heads about this strange teen who is clearly Mando’ade and yet also a Jetii but whom no one knows. The Jedi are half-panicked because this stranger kidnapped one of their padawans but at the same time did so to save said padawan from a war-torn world (Qui-Gon what were you thinking?!). The Mandalorians are pleased: here is a kid who single-handedly (more or less) took care of Death watch and is now adopting and saving kids left and right, like all Mando’ae do! But at the same time they are shook because the kid is an unknown, has the darsaber (the symbol of the Manda’lor!) and, most of all, calls himself Tarre Vizsla!!

Tarre: “I’m Tarre Vizsla.”

Mandalorians: “Yeah. No. Wtf, kid.”

Jedi: “Be as it may, we ask you to...Wait! The Darskaber’s crystal resonates with you?!”

Tarre: “Well, yes, it’s mine. It chooses me. Don’t tell me the Order forgot how to pick their crystals?”

Jedi: ...

Jedi: You are TARRE VIZSLA?!?!

Tarre, sighing and longsuffering: “Yes, that’s what I just said.”

Meanwhile Tarre is utterly pleased by Jaster being the Manda’lor. (He’s very glad he doesn’t have to fight the man for the title to protect his people. And, also, he’s utterly delighted he won’t have to deal with paperwork attached to the position! Freedom!)

-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Also, there’s potential Force Ghosts shenanigans involved with reincarnation!

Imagine a Force Ghosts chilling in the Force with their buddies when they suddenly disappear only to be shoved into a physical body, alive once again! Seeing ghosts would be easier for those reincarnated since they have already been touched by death/The Force.

Plus, this can work for Mandalorians, too!! With the Ka’ra (the ghosts of dead Mandalorians who watch over the living)!!

So many possibilities!

GIVE ME THE SW REINCARNATION FICS WE DESERVE!!!!

...

I’m going to have to write it, am I? Damn it!

115 notes · View notes

hewwocopter · 4 years ago

Text

I’m imagining the whole Cat in the Hat live action movie but with Wukong, MK and Mei. Maybe some other characters. You may think it’s stupid, but hear me out, alright?

I’m thinking about the part where maybe Mei would ask about making cupcakes.

I just imagine that Wukong makes clones for the cooking segment here…

Imagine Macaque being dragged into this somehow and he’s either A. trying to escape the show or B. staying but is hating every moment of it

“Forget everything you know about making cupcakes, and say hello to the Kupkake-Inator™.”

“I’M SO EXCITED.”

The other clone is just like “okay, sheesh dude-“

“Cupcake what?”

“Kupkake-Inator™! This amazing device can instantly make Kupcakes out of anything that you have in the kitchen!”

“Wait a minute! Did you say anything?”

“Anything!”

“Anything?”

“Yes! Anything!”

“Anything?”

“Anything.”

“Anything?”

“I’ll get you. And it’ll look like a bloody accident.”

Then the whole scene with him cutting off his tail.

As well as other scenes. Like where he could like. Almost hit a random kid with a bat at their birthday party? I love that one.

Please. Guys. I feel like this has so much darned potential. Especially the fact that he already has like, two shows already? Just. A cooking one. The potential here. The two characters are so chaotic and hilarious- it’s amazing.

#bruh I could just imagine him tricking a demon into signing a paper or something #and he’s using the ‘large oversized pen that requires two hands’#there’s more in the movie but I haven’t seen it in awhile so #Monkie kid #hewwo rambles #posted 6/30/21

19 notes · View notes

woulddieforperrytheplatypus · 4 years ago

Note

Do you know how crazy it would be if there were an AU where all of the Perry-centered AUs anons have pitched to you over the past few months were all stitched together? Say there was as alternate universe where Perry is a robot and OWCA has many copies of himself and he's raising an organic platypus baby with whatever the heck a capybara is, and that's all without context!

okay I literally have three asks that I should be answering before this one if I go in like wait-list order (is that even English who the fuck knows at this point) but this one is KILLING ME and I have an answer it immediately okay hold on I gotta go check my list of asks to see what we gotta work in and I’m totally including headcanons with the AUs to make this into the biggest and best trainwreck of all time

Okay so we start with day one: OWCA’s training regiment at The Academy is super harsh, and it turns Perry into the supersoldier he is. This is, of course, because Perry is a robot. One day, robot Perry stumbles upon Phineas and Ferb, and the kids play around with his wiring and give him Feelings™. Essentially, this means that the kids saved him from a cold, dark, meaningless existence. They don’t know it yet, but Perry was actually sent to them to keep an eye on them, though OWCA did not anticipate that the boys would mess with his software.

Perry goes missing one day, and OWCA panics and makes a whole new Perry robot to replace him, thus inventing the Perry clones. Each agent has to upload their memories every now and then, which means Monogram can just insert Perry’s mental hard drive into a new Perry robot. I guess somehow in the process the og blueprints got a little fucked up because they now match what Phineas and Ferb did to Perry, and while OWCA had questioned it at Perry’s last physical, they note that Perry is doing better than ever -- though he is a little more benevolent, which they’re not sure they like -- so they don’t really question it.

As the years pass, more and more Perrys go missing or die or get captured or whatever, and at this point, OWCA just has a whole fucking army of robot Perrys chilling in the OWCA basement so that whenever a new one needs to replace an old one, he’s ready. He lets all the platypuses run around Danville, possibly after they escaped on their own, and now all the platypuses in Danville are Perry clones. Across the 2nd Dimension comes along now, and in the 2nd Dimension, the clone robot Perry program has already been shut down because 2D Doof would be too powerful with an army of Perryborgs. Perry does a really good job at keeping the mindless platypus facade up at first, even though 2D Doof knows it’s him because he recognizes Phineas and Ferb from Perryborg’s locket. They mostly manage to work together without Perry revealing himself until the very end, when they’re having that last-ditch effort back in the first dimension to stop 2D Doof from taking over.

Okay this is where I’m getting a lil confused because I have four ways this could go right now: Coby the Capybara starts working for OWCA, the og robot Perry from before the clones thing shows up, the butler!Perry doesn’t write “I fight evil” au, or the au where Perry gets zapped by the ultimate-evil-inator in Where’s Perry. They all gotta make it in here eventually, but I have spent like ten minuntes trying to decide whether I want Coby or the og Perry to come back first, and whether either or both of them should be back for butler!Perry or evil!Perry, and I do not fucking know so I’m just gonna wing it and hope for the best lmao

First comes Coby the Capybara. I guess he’s now also a robot, right? But he doesn’t have any clones? I think is how these headcanons work? So Perry has no idea why the fuck this new guy is so happy and annoyingly optimistic because he’s literally just a robot but whatever, as long as Perry can stay away it’s all good, right? But Coby basically inserts himself into Perry’s life, and while most agents don’t have host families, OWCA makes an exception here because the Flynn-Fletchers have basically already adopted him and it can’t hurt to have two agents keeping an eye on those kids, right? And they don’t really get along that well at first because they’re so different. Usually it’s Perry that gets annoyed at Coby, but sometimes it’s the other way around. For instance, Coby gets really fucking annoyed at how Perry doesn’t let him have any fun. So what if he gets needlessly risky when it comes to almost revealing his secret identity? It’s fun, something that Perry has apparently never heard of. And while Coby is fooling around with all Perry’s shit, he finds the pictures from the second dimension, and he’s about to go chew Perry out for being such a fucking hypocrite until he reads the lowkey diary entry that goes with the pictures where Perry admits to being scared out of his mind the entire time and how it crushed him because he can’t let it show that it got to him at all because he’s a robot and he’s not supposed to have feelings. I choose to think for maximum angst reasons that Phineas and Ferb didn’t play around with his wiring because unlike when Perry first wandered in, they knew Coby was a conscious animal. Still, Coby knows Perry has human-like emotions, even if he can’t quite understand them, and he knows he can’t imagine what Perry had to go through. Coby is a lot nicer around Perry and doesn’t risk blowing their covers as much after that or at least not where Perry can see it, and as time goes on, Coby also becomes a much better agent, too, until they’re basically equals, and, more importantly, they’re family.

I think I’d rather the evil Perrys come before the og Perry comes back but I do also wanna throw Coby in just for kicks, so we’re gonna skip on over to the ultimate-evil-inator Where’s Perry au. The Flynn-Fletchers and their friends are all in Africa, but, unlike Coby, Perry couldn’t get the time off. He gets hit by the inator, obviously, and turns evil, and he strings Heinz along to get what he wants. To briefly summarize the description from the post, basically Perry uses Heinz just long enough to take over the tri-state area, and to do so, he needs to capture everyone he deems a threat, which includes everyone from OWCA.

The kids come home to find that somehow their dumb little platypus took over, and they decide they’re the tri-state area’s only hope so they set off to stop him. This is where it differs from the og ask: now we’ve got Coby in the picture. Coby works for OWCA so obviously he knows the ins and outs of the city better than these kids do and he makes it to wherever Perry’s hiding out before everyone else. Perry has his robot army grab him, but Coby demands that Perry let him talk and for some inexplicable reason, Perry does. Coby basically begs him to back down (and it doesn’t work). He reminds Perry that these people did nothing wrong and they don’t deserve this (and it doesn’t work). He tells Perry that this is just a victory for Heinz, even if the poor dude’s now in prison, and that Perry’s not supposed to let Heinz win (and it doesn’t work). He pops open his collar locket and shows Perry the picture of the two of them with the three kids, and begs Perry not to let anything happen to them because they’re family... and it still doesn’t work. Perry orders the robots to execute Coby, but then Phineas, Ferb, and their friends show up and start talking over each other a mile a minute except Ferb but his silence is just as wholesome in Perry’s eyes and Perry looks between the kids and Coby and he realizes that this is Not Good™

Perry just drops to all fours, orders the guards to release everyone, and pretends it never happened. Coby’s kinda taken by surprise, but he’s not shocked -- Perry is nothing but a family man, even if he can’t admit it -- so he also drops to all fours and pretends nothing happened. The kids are really confused, but hey, everyone’s happy so it’s all good, right?

But now that we’re basically talking about the entire summer, I feel like this is a great time to talk about what happens after he becomes evil and then becomes good again, and how that sets him up for the next time he becomes evil because the poor guy can’t catch a break. I know I touched upon it in the reblog that’s linked with the post, but because of all the AUs, it’s more complicated than that (not because it has to be more complicated but because I like overcomplicated things). At least in the original AU, OWCA would probably expect Perry to feel a little down, but now that he’s a robot who’s not supposed to have feelings, he has to pretend it doesn’t bother him, and I have to imagine that would make him feel even worse. He’s a little wary around not only Heinz because he’s seen for the first time what his nemesis is capable of without remorse bearing in mind that the second dimension didn’t go the way it went in the movie so he never saw the worst of his dimension’s Heinz, but also around the kids because he’s afraid of them getting hurt if he gets too close, especially because OWCA doesn’t know he actually cares about them.

And that’s where everybody’s favorite capybara comes in. Coby himself may not have real feelings, but he knows Perry does and he does consider Perry to be family, even if it doesn’t necessarily mean the same thing to him as a robot as it would to anyone else. Coby tries really hard to cheer him up and to assure his friend that he’s here for him if he ever wants to talk, but Perry turns him down every time because even though Coby can handle himself, Perry doesn’t want his own dumbassery to put him at risk. Still, even if he doesn’t consciously realize it, having Coby around makes him feel a little more welcome, even after that whole debacle.

And then we’re gonna go with Butler!Perry, because why not make him turn evil twice? But again, because Coby’s here, I’m gonna change up how it goes just a little. So basically Remains of the Platypus goes how it usually does, with Heinz turning Perry into his butler and Carl trying to give Perry his hat and Monogram is eating cheese and all that ish. But as the au says, Perry doesn’t write “I fight evil” on his chest, so he doesn’t remember that he’s one of the good guys after Carl spills juice all over his shirt. Heinz sends Carl back to OWCA and spends the next few days gloating because haha I have your favorite agent and in your face, Francis! and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

Coby has been trained not to ask questions, and, as a robot, he’s really not supposed to break protocol or people are going to start asking questions. But the boys are starting to get really nervous and honestly, so is he, so he finally says “fuck it” and during his next mission briefing, he asks Monogram where Perry is. Monogram explains the whold predicament and basically says that as long as Perry doesn’t want to come back, their hands are tied. Coby’s hands are tied, too, in the sense that he has to take the case he’s given regardless of his own feelings and preferred agenda, so he reluctantly accepts his case and does his shit, and then he heads to DEI to see Perry. Heinz is just kinda vibin, probably watching TV and Perry’s, like, massaging his feet or something idfk Heinz is a weird dude. Coby breaks down the door and Heinz would do something about it but he’s also really investing in his relationship in the soap opera so he tells Perry to go take care of it. This time, since the problem is that Perry doesn’t remember anything and not that he’s legitimately evil, Coby manages to bring back his Perry by taking Perry’s collar off and showing him the locket and idk maybe he has to show Perry that he has a locket like that, too, just for the cuteness factor. Perry snaps out of it, and he and Coby beat the shit out of Heinz before heading back home together, and fortunately no one at OWCA questions it because they’re just glad to have Agent P back.

Now Perry’s really wary around Heinz because this is the second time he’s turned him evil and, unlike the in original au, it wasn’t Heinz who decided to change him back. Their nemesisship takes a really big hit here, and nothing Heinz does can fix it. At the same time, though, Perry’s almost feeling better now than he did before, because even if he can’t trust his nemesis, he knows he can trust Coby. They truly are an inseparable duo...

Until they become a trio?

One day, a new platypus robot walks in the yard and he looks like a mess. He’s covered in scratches and wounds so deep that his wiring is coming through and sparking and it looks like he’s about to explode at any minute. That ends up being the original Perry robot, and he’s not very happy to see another platypus in his yard. Phineas and Ferb see him and they take him in because he obviously needs help, and once they’ve fixed him up, they decide they’re going to keep this new platypus and name him Bartholomew. Everything is sunshine, unicorns, and rainbows because yippee-doo, their family grows, right?

But Perry and Coby aren’t stupid. Contrary to popular believe, robot animals don’t wander into yards for no reason, no matter how many times the boys think it’s happened to them. So the three of them finally get the chance to talk, and it doesn’t really go well. Neither Perry was aware that there were Perry clones, and though they can sort of figure it out because they both have their one-of-a-kind locket with a picture of them and the boys as babies (though Perry is very disappointed to realize this is actually a picture of Bartholomew as a baby, not him), they’re not happy about it. The three of them head down to Perry and Coby’s shared lair and demand answers from Monogram, who basically explains that yes, they did clone Bartholomew, but they’d been looking for hi for days and the boys were getting antsy. They didn’t want to put the kids in danger if they discovered something they weren’t supposed to, so they basically said fuck it, let’s make a new Perry. Monogram neglects to mention that they’ve done this numerous times before and that every Danville platypus is a Perry clone.

Bartholomew and Perry don’t get along at first, and since neither of them have any reason to dislike Coby, he ends up being the mediator most of the time. Monogram tries to assign both platypuses to the same mission once, and Coby shuts that down immediately because they would literally murder each other. Bartholomew never met Heinz so that stays Perry’s thing, even though they’re still on pretty rough terms. Coby and Bartholomew do their own stuff, and for the most part, the two platypuses only interact when they have to -- when the boys want all their pets together or when Monogram needs to see all three agents.

And then Monogram realizes that he doesn’t really need three agents to watch two boys, so he reassigns Bartholomew to the Regurgitator case. He figures Perry’s been there the longest and Coby’s more familiar with the older Phineas and Ferb. Bartholomew’s been gone for so long that he’s probably the least useful one there. Monogram delivers the news to him alone, and when he refuses to take no for an answer, Bartholomew rebels. He explains the whole predicament to Perry and Coby, and while Coby sympathizes, Perry agrees with Monogram. Neither of them want to do anything to help, so Bartholomew basically says “fuck it, I’ll give you a reason to help me,” and reveals his identity to Phineas, Ferb, and Candace. At that point, there’s no reason for Perry and Coby to keep theirs a secret, because the kids are smart enough to figure it out themselves. Now that they’ve all revealed their identities, they’re all at risk of relocation if OWCA catches them (except Bartholomew who’s probably in more danger than them because he directly defied orders to do this, but come on, after the shit he’s seen, he can deal with them). In a desperate attempt to keep the family together, the three of them, accompanied by the kids and all their friends, start an uprising against OWCA. Perry decides to meet up with an old friend, Dennis the Rabbit, for a little help because he knows Dennis is just as pissed at OWCA as they are.

I feel like that should be enough to reform OWCA, but because we still have a fuck ton of AUs left, it’s just enough to convince OWCA to lay off the punishments a little bit. The family gets to stay together, but only if the kids lose their memories. Just for kicks, Dennis gets to join the Flynn-Fletchers’ pet squad, too, but he comes with a collar this time that has his name so Candace stops calling him Mr. Cutie Patootie. Otherwise, everything goes back to normal, and now there are four animal agent robot thingies living with the Flynn-Fletchers, which is exceptionally weird because, again, the agents don’t typically have host families. Still, at least they kids are being watched, right?

One night, Heinz breaks into OWCA for one of his schemes, and he discovers the Perry cloning program. He only gets to read some of it because most of it is classified, but he gets the gist. He’s not sure what to do with this information, so he just kinda leaves and pretends he never saw it. But when he sees Perry the next day, he decides that’s not something he can just leave alone. He tries to get access to the files with Perry’s DNA and with Carl’s, but neither of them work so he somehow copies Monogram’s handprint and uses that. He’s in the middle of reading all about the program and all the different Perrys they’ve made and how different ones have been lost and/or destroyed, and then Monogram walks in. In the original au, Heinz destroys the machine, destroying the clone Perry in the process, and runs from OWCA to find the real Perry. I don’t particularly want this Perry to die, nor do I want Heinz to go on a wild goose hunt when the original Perry is literally Bartholomew and probably like two miles away, so that’s not gonna happen. Instead, Heinz promises he’s not going to do anything with this information and he leaves.

When he fights Perry the next time he tells Perry all about what he found. He admits that he tried hacking in with Perry’s handprint and with Carl’s and that he eventually had to use Monogram’s. He explains that the whole idea makes him incredibly uncomfortable and feels too evil, even for him, and that he almost destroyed the machine because it would end the program, but he decided against it because he likes Perry a lot, even if it’s just a clone of him and even if the feeling obviously isn’t mutual, and he wasn’t going to do that to the guy. He just figured this is something he should make sure Perry is aware of, because it sounds like it could have consequences.

It doesn’t have any dire consequences, but it does make Perry very happy. He’d been really iffy around the guy after the whole “turning him evil” thing, so this means a lot. Heinz had no reason to tell him any of this. He really just admit all these things that he knew could make Perry very uncomfortable just because he thought Perry should know the truth, and that’s not even taking into consideration that he has no idea how OWCA would respond if they knew Heinz had told Perry anything. Of course, Perry already knew about the cloning program (though not about the Danville platypuses; that one is new), so he’s not too phased by it. That helps bring their relationship back closer to the level of trust they used to have.

Perry goes home and explains it all to Coby, Bartholomew, and Dennis. None of them are comfortable with the newfound knowledge that there are, like, 50 Perrys out there, but hey, that’s life, right? Bartholomew kinda stops hating Perry as much now that he knows there wasn’t just one Perry that replaced him, and that’s it’s really been a big cycle that OWCA is prepared to continue if given the opportunity. When Bartholomew stops being as mean to Perry, Perry starts liking him a little more, and it kinda helps mend their relationship too.

And now it’s Last Day of Summer, except after the boys get sucked out of the universe, Perry does, too. He’s too disoriented to really process what’s going on until the boys have already noticed that he’s standing there on all fours, so his cover’s officially blown. Together, they have to figure out how to get back home. The rest of the day pretty much goes as it does in the episode, and in the end, one is okay. Heinz turns good, which means Perry now has to meet him in secret because he��s a robot and not supposed to have friends but that’s okay. He can deal with that.

For some reason or other, Perry accidentally “has babies” because he happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time when three platypus eggs appeared. They end up being Horatio, Ornithorhynchus (Ornith), and Anatinus (Ana). Hey, you said all the AUs, and there are two Dad!Perry AUs so thsi is what we got lmao. Horatio is a lot like Perry overall, Ornith is a lot like the Agent P side of Perry, and Ana is a lot like the mindless pet side of Perry. It’s a lot of work trying to balance looking after three baby platypuses, especially because they’re actual platypuses and he’s literally a robot. Fortunately, he does have his friends to help, and Bartholomew kinda likes having these kids. It almost reminds him of Phineas and Ferb back when Bartholomew first met them.

But OWCA tries to get the babies to join no matter how many times Perry tells them to fuck off. One day Perry comes home to find OWCA trying to recruit them behind his back and he’s furious. He throws his hat down and quits because if they’re not going to respect him, he’s not going to respect them. That’s kinda OWCA’s first real glimpse into the fact that Perry has feelings because he’s done a good job at hiding them until then, and they don’t really like it but there’s nothing they can do. When the rest of the agents come home and hear what happened, most of them quit, too, but Coby doesn’t. OWCA is going to want someone to keep an eye on the boys regardless of whether Perry, Bartholomew, and Dennis are up for the task, so he might as well take the L so OWCA doesn’t try to run them out of the house and replace them with a different agent.

Horatio feels really guilty because he thinks this is all the his fault, so he runs away under the impression that Perry will have an easier time dealing with this if there are only two platybabies instead of three. Now Coby has to balance watching the human kids with taking on his cases and making sure Ornith and Ana don’t wander off. Perry, Bartholomew, and Dennis all have to track Horatio down, and they end up finding him at Doofenshmirtz Good Inc. because Heinz saw him on the street and after the clone Perry debacle, he’s a little wary of seeing non-robot baby platypuses on the street by themselves. He’s a little bitter that no one ever told him that Perry had kids, so Perry assures him that he can meet Ornith and Ana soon. He also gets to meet Bartholomew, which blows his mind even more than the platybabies because holy shit it’s the original Perry, so they lowkey become friends too (but not as close as he is with his Perry). Also just for kicks I’m gonna say he befriends a different platypus clone completely unrelated to this and names that Perry “Steven.”

Shit gets real complicated when the kids from the second dimension cross over into the first. Perry immediately informs Perryborg that his cover is still intact and hands him the pamphlet, and Perryborg has to explain it all to the kids. They can’t admit that they know something that the first dimension kids don’t, so they have to pretend they’ve never met before and hit it off like new friends. Meanwhile, Perry has to explain this to his friends, because the only one with any semblance of an idea that this went down is Coby. Perryborg kinda wants to befriend the platybabies, but they’re kinda terrified of him because, you know, he’s a big scary robot that can obliterate sticks. Perryborg’s jealous of Perry because he has this whole big family to himself now, and because he didn’t lose years of his life with them like Perryborg (and Bartholomew) did. It was enough to upset Bartholomew when he came back, and it’s enough to upset Perryborg. Meanwhlie, Perry’s jealous because Perryborg gets to be himself instead of pretending to be a mindless pet, and Perry wishes he could do that, too. In the end, they both decide that they’re probably bette off how they are now, and when the second dimension kids head home, Perry and Perryborg part as friends.

And they all lived happily ever after.

The end.

This is 4400 words and has taken me many, many hours so if anyone actually reads this whole thing I am very sorry but this was my idea of a “quick fix” for yesterday’s depressive episode lmao anyway gtg gonna buy some more discount halloween candy

#pnf #look i have an ask #i usually semi-proofread these but i'm far too lazy to do that so you get what you get and you don't get upset lmao

12 notes · View notes

uno-is-suffering · 5 years ago

Text

ADOPT

Time

1 - Ikea, the Ikea store Irken Cryptid, he lives on Biscoff cookies. He's a tiny manlet that sounds like Danny Devito. He loves his human friendslaves. Best buds with Marge, the Ikea store manager | Price: $10 or 1200 DA points paid at a later date

2 - Cami Ditzelheimer, the Irken Inventor. She lives alone on a planet with no inhabitants but her. The lonliest Irken in the Universe. Actually lives in a simulated world in a Simulation Pod hidden in the depths of Irk. She knew too much. Has butterfly wings and makes an -inator for everything. (Like another crazed inventor in the Tri State Area) | Price: $10 or 1200 DA points paid at a later date

3 - Diameter the Navigator Irken. Likes to stab as a go to action. Saying hello? Stab. Saying Goodbye? Stab. Saying I love you? Stab, but with feeling. | Price: $8 or 1000 DA points paid at a later date

4 - Pale, half Irken and half Vortian hybrid. Icy cold, eyes look like snowflakes. Cold exterior mentally and physically. | Price: $8 or 1000 DA points paid at a later date

5 - Calamity, Irken PAK Technician, has a giant snake named Cream as her pet. Shy and quiet, but passionate about her job. Can get feisty. Researches the connection between the Irken organic brain and the PAK programs, a clone of another brilliant technician/researcher who she feels like she's always in the shadow of named Providence. | Price: $10 or RESERVE for 1200 DA points paid at a later date

DM me if you are interested! I can be reached on Discord at Uno#4644 or here on Tumblr!

Method of Payment:

PayPal only right now, DA Points coming soon!

-Uno!

#oc adopt #invader zim #its uno!#discord #invader zim oc #irken oc #irken empire #irkensona #fan irken

4 notes · View notes

pafsins2 · 8 years ago

Text

Everything Wrong and Right With Night of the Living Pharmacists

SINS:

1.The production code of the previous episode,SAve Summer, was 427/428. This episode's production code is 430/431. What happened to 429?

2.”Night of the Living Pharmacists” As opposed to the daytime, when all pharmacists are dead.

3.None of the other specials this overblown, but the throwaway Zombie episode needed one I guess.

4.The netflix version splits this into 2 parts, which is still a sin, but for some reason half of the writer credits are shown on part 1, while the other half were on part 2. That's not how the writers worked on the shows' specials, they all have hand in all of it, not some split into a certain part. And they do this with none of the other specials!

5.Aliki Theofilopoulos's name is misspelled. This was actually corrected in rerurns...but this mistake is kept in the Netflix version. Ugh.

6.Obvious CGI is obvious

7.A fake out scare in the first scene

8.It seems to evening, why are the only just working on the big idea now?

9.This Isabella plot becomes pointless if you watch the season in production order, as it comes after Act Your Age

10.Was there not an easier way to get bubbles in the tub

11.Also, Monogram is a dick to carl.

12.Yet another Roger plan.

13.”-I wanna keep the DVD and the VCR” A teen in 2014 has a VCR and wants it?

14.Vanessa doesn't let Candace finish her sentence. What a jerk.

15.Candace never calls Linda about where she's going, and we never see them worrying about her.

16.So...the Ugly Inator....again?

17.”This particular inator requires a lot more power than any other Inator I've created for some bizarre reason” The reason is contrived writing.

18.The Netflix captions call Norm “Norman”.

19.”It's a callback to something I didn't hear . In your face, logic!” The writers likely say that a lot.

20.Quirky Worky song

21. It took too long to give Ariel Winter, I mean Gretchen, a song.

22.One of the teens is voiced by Bella Thorne. She gets nothing to do.

23.We've never seen most of these friends before. Even if they were somehow in Brain Drain, they don't appear with her like they do here.

24.Who mistakes a bruise for nail polish?

25.We're still using the 'Vanessa is embarrassed by Doof” stuff, eh?

26.Show-ception.

27.This Stacy subplot is fun but clearly padding, just that one in Save Summer.

28.That's what you get for giving their nemesis tons of time to escape.

29.So Repulsive=Zombie that turns people into other zombies. K/.

30.Doof is self aware of he's not self aware. So meta.

31.Roger!Doof hasn't done anything yet but people are screaming. Doof isn't THAT ugly.

32.Whoa whoa, Isabella can switch to Fireside Uniform with this thing? They just explained that animation error I always harp on....but they shouldn't have happened to begin with.

33.They missed a chance for someone to say “They're coming to get you, Isabella”

34.What's Irving doing in the middle street? And why is not running like everyone else?

35.We never see Irving become a zombie, not even in the background.

36.That's the 2nd giant floating doof head we've seen this Season. Weird.

37.They are immune to the Zombies due to the rubber because convenience.

38.”Let's Bounce” Wrong Episode.

39.”Literally” Boooo

40.”Don Adaded” Boooo

41. Also, ha ha George Romero guest stars in the Zombie Episode.

42.Don through going into a big herd of Zombies was a good idea.

43.They say more words for the sake of this joke.

44.Also, how did a zombie get in there , to turn the weatherman into one, without Gordon noticing?

45.We see Jeremy becoming a Zombie during this song. You think Candace's boyfriend turning would be a bigger deal.

46.Also, when it comes to songs about the villain and his clones, Doof is not Number One.

47.These are the same girls from Monster of Phineas N Ferbstein. They've aged VERY well.

48.Also, before they were Olivia Olson, now they are Laura Dickinson

49.Django's Dad, for no reason.

50.Again, these girls think prancing around Zombies is a good idea.

51.The extended version has a verse about how they are going to attack Roger....even though he's already a Zombie.

52.Only two of the girls are touched by the other one transforms anyway.

53.”That's not even a punchline” Still good at sins, I see

54.Mindless Zombies smash a machine that happens to protect them, for no real reason.

55.Where the hell are Linda and Lawrence during all this?

56.Wasn't Stacy afraid of watching these movies before?

57.”Art isn't Art unless it's difficult”' Deep.

58.There was only one Doof at the door but in the span of like a second two more appear.

59.That's a rather chill reaction to 3 doofs randomly appearing.

60.Candace, you have a chance of becoming a mindless zombie. They are reacting correctly.

61.So Linda is there but doesn't hear Buford screaming? (Also, how does she know where Candace is, she never called her?

62.And of course all that stuff goes out once they mention it.

63.The phone shouldn't turn off unless he just happened to run out of battery power at that very moment.

64.”Talk about Grevius Interrupus” I didn't get this joke before but I looked it up and...you know, for kids!

65.Okay, they walked outside and the kids didn't go “Hey, there's kind of a zombie inasion going on?”

66.'Game over man” Booo...and creepy timing too.

67.They only just now notice Isabella isn't here?

68.He's worried about his friend. PHINBELLA!11

69.Making giving him yesterday's news isn't the best way to prove that print is back

70.Obvious fake out cliffhanger is obvious.

71. Made worse by Netflix ending part 1 right here.

72.For no reason, here's the intro again, if you're watching on Netflix.

73.Wow Doof, you tricked Perry into thinking you were a mindless zombie? You're a jerk.

74.Hey, where's Norm? He was at DEI too. Can Robots become zombies? It does work through electricity.

75.”Other children aren't afraid of turning into me” They are now.

76.They had time to build a periscope?

77.They don't question why Isabella hasn't shown up here by now and instead visited her fireside friends?

78.That rubber was not there before. And they happen to have enough.

79.This generator is dangerous enough to require gear, so Stacy can conveniently avoid the zombies.

80.P&F existing in the Shaun of the Dead universe or vice versa raises so many questions. Like....3 crossovers in one season?

81.They are basically here to do my job.

82.”You're the omega platypus” Boooooo.

83.”I used to be Carl” ….Good to know?

84.When humans get turned, they are turned all the way but animals keep their faces...for some reason.

85.”Typical, turn on your creator. You guys are all cliche” do I even need to be here?

86.Hey, didn't one of the goths have a hoodie earlier?

87.Candace again does my job for me.

88.The others turned right away but Lacie takes time because suspense.

89.If they searched everywhere, how did they not see here? She even pops up fairly soon after.

90.”I am so in love with her right now” He's cheating in Baljeet AND Candace?!

91.The beam did not leave a “weird impression” on that wall.

92.How did she know Roger was the first Zombie to begin with? There aren't exactly any living witnesses now.

93.A song called Triangulation does not use actual Triangulation.

94.DEI happens to visible from the window.

95.They didn't board the window because the fireside girls are stupid.

96.Because rushing in blindly worked so well in The Klimpaloon Ultimatum.

97.This disguise fooled them to begin with.

98.It takes two touches for Baljeet to turn.

99.He's right, he did not need to remove his clothes.

100.Where did Doof find that helicopter?

101.”I don't even wanna know how you figured that one out” Uh...

102.”How can she be so oblivious?” Haw haw.

103.”Things can't be any worse” Sigh...

104.How did the Zombie bear get up here?

105.Incredibly convenient timing.

106.Why isn't Perry leaving the helicopter to help the boys? All of OWCA are zombies, no one will know you revealed your secret.

107.”Isn't that a bit of a leap?” Eh, not really given the power surge is why this happened.

108.”When does it ever rain here?” Hide and seek, Great Indoors, etc.

109.The water tower is conveniently right next to them.

110.”Was it worth the time it took to build this scale model?” No.

111.”Heroic Sacrifice” cliché. A bit late as one happened earlier, but whatever.

112.See Perry, this is what you get for not getting out sooner.

113.That reminds me, the boys were never concerned about Perry or even brought him up.

114.The animals couldn't speak before but Perry can.

115.THe others said Lots of me in a normal voice but Vanesa says it differently because extra emotion.

116.”This is yet another callback to something I didn't hear” If you didn't say this, I would chalk this up to coincidence, honestly.

117.Wow, there was huge gap between the previous reference to the Isabella plot and this part.

118.This thing has too many heroic sacrifices.

119.There's no way the sprayer could have hit EVERYONE.

120.Also, it magically becomes morning in an instant.

121.Everyone's memory is erased ….except for Simon Pegg, for some reason.

122.Candace and Vanessa remember too?!

123.Doof magically has his clothes back.

124.Phineas and Isabella forgot their moment because Status Qou is god. Also, the biggest character development in the special is now pointless, yay!

125.I usually wouldn't sin this ending too hard as I thought it was supposed to not make sense, as a sort joke ending to make this Non Canon....BUT Dan had to go claim this as Canon so now I have fire the sins, as this ending now makes NO SENSE.

126.Since when was there a wall around danville?

127.How did the epidemic get out? It's implied the wall went up after it get out since no one that was turned got in, but how did that work?

128.At first I thought this was a film Stacy was watching which makes no sense but Dan said it was just Stacy's movie, which is just odd. The way it's cut implies the former. Why else would we cut to this?

129.And if she's watching her own movie while this is going on, why is it suddenly night again?

130. “Horror movies, scary but so unbelievable” Haw Haw.

131. All the footage for this song is lazily recycled. Some even from other episodes!

132. One of the clips is from Doof 101, which had not aired yet. Ugh, even this late into the series, Disney sucks.

EPISODE SIN TALLY: 132

SENTENCE: Become a Pharma-LOTS OF MEEEEEE

...

Holy Crap, that sin count. That is the single highest sin count so far. That's higher than THE MOVIE! I swear, I try not to stretch too much, or at least I have every sin make sense to be there on some level. I guess the nature of this episode just leads to lots of mistakes.

Just...wow. The only thing left to mention is that someone on FF.net actually did their own sins for this episode, in Early 2015. No idea if we inspired them, likely not but here's the link if you're interested: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11132229/1/Everything-Wrong-With-Night-of-the-Living-Pharmacists

He's sins are a bit off sometimes but ah well. I get it what he's doing and I know better than to nitpick an obvious comedian . That would be so dumb.

Let's just see those wins.

WINS:

1.This intro is AWESOME. The other specials have okay intros but nothing that pumps you up for the special like this.

2.This POV bit is a nice and spooky to start the episode.

3.On it's own, the Isabella plot is good and we'll get into it more as we go on

4.I like the Shakin' Bacon gag.

5.The idea of becoming rubber is cool

6.”What am I not paying you for?” Ha.

7.I've raved about the Candace/Vanessa thing before and it really shines here.

8.Love the Discoball trap.

9.The Inator is a passable way to get us into the zombie plot,and the power thing is a good excuse for the power to go out later.

10.”It's a callback to something I didn't hear . In your face, logic!” Nice.

11.This scene of them bouncing around is fun

12.This song is pretty catchy, it advances the plot nicely, and Ariel Winter gets to sing!

13.I like all the awkward stuff with Candace and Vanessa's friends.

14.”They're so independent they pay you to download their songs” Heh.

15.I love this little subplot with Stacy. It's just funny. Much better than the padding subplot in Save Summer.

16.Pillow fight ftw!

17.I don't know why but Doof tricking perry only for the inator to blow up after, makes me laugh hard.

18.It begins. I love how serious they take all this, right away.

19.Love the animation on Roger's transformation.

20.I love that they reasonably explain the animation error of Isabella switching outfits a lot.

21. Irving Cameo!

22.Love the background gag of the Giant Floating Baby Head becoming the Giant floating Doof head.

23.The contagion being transmitted by electric makes sense, given the Inator overloading, so thus the rubber thing makes sense.

24.More lamp-shading of the Pharmacists thing.

25.Don Aded is voiced by George Romero. To quote Tv Tropes, Is there any better blessing for your zombie movie parody than an appearance by THE INVENTOR OF ZOMBIE MOVIES?

26.Gotta love whenever they say something over than lots of me.

27.This was already good but the soundtrack version is even better thanks to the great sound mixing and extra verse.

28.More of the funny Stacy plot.

29.I love pretty much all the gags with the teens but the weird french film is especially funny.

30.Candace's Self Aware-ness vs the other girls lack of it is great.

31.The buford screaming gag is amusing.

32.Now things get even more intense!

33.Phineas being worried about Isabella is sweet AND funny.

34.Love that newstand guy.

35.I love this cliffhanger, it actually gets you due to how intense it is.

36.On Netflix, we hear Army of me again in the credits!

37.Weird to play the intro again but it's great so I can't complain.

38.Doof's got some funny lines here, and him worrying about Vanessa is nice.

39.Them having to find Isabella creates a great situation for suspense.

40.Stacy accidentally stopping the zombies while being unaware is AWESOME!

41.Shuan and Ed's cameo is great.

42.This scene right here is where on first viewing, I realized how seriously they were taking this. This scene is dead serious, and Monogram declaring that OWCA has fallen makes it even more intense. Like, holy crap.

43.They hide behind a Hightail Delivery truck. Nice to know Paul is doing well.

44.This bit with the Zombie Animals are great suspense scene.

45.”Less of me” Haw.

46. Candace's self aware-ness is still funny.

47.I'm already running out ways to say this special is intense.

48.I'll just say that every aspect works to create a great creepy tone, from the music, to the animation.

49.”I am so in love with her right now” Nice.

50.Isabella putting Phineas aside for the greater good is great.

51. Triangulation is the weakest song in here but it's still good.

52.Also, figures that Isabella knows Triangulation given what shape Phineas' head is.

53.Perry distracting the Zombies is cool and convenient for the kids!

54.More great suspense with the fireside girls here.

55.And they follow it up with Baljeet and Buford turning too! This is where it gets emotional.

56.Buford's sacrifice is great.

57.Doof saving Perry is cool.

58.The roll call gag is funny

59.Helicopter Fight!

60.Perry helps them out, by accident but still.

61. Doof and Vanessa reuniting is sweet.

62.Water fixing this makes sense, at least in cartoon terms.

63.It's nice to see the boys interacting with Doof in canon,,,sorta.

64.”Well, everyone else was dressing up?” Haw.

65.Oh god, this is where I start too loose it, with Candace turning.

66.Bonus points for her sacrificing herself to save Vanessa.

67.Perry turning for another intense moment.

68.And Vanessa turning is where I officially lost it.

69.This is yet another callback to something I didn't hear” Nice.

70.Ferb's sacrifice is another moment that got me. Seriously, every time I watch this I think I'm over it but nope, even when looking for flaws I still get into it.

71.Phineas has turned and I'm dead. Also, Isabella pressing on is great.

72.This bit with her is great in general, almost forgot to mention it.

73.Isabella turning right as she pushes the button is some amazing suspense, seriously.

74.This happy ending is really satisfying after what we went through.

75.Shaun and Ed get another amusing moment.

76. Nice bit with Candace and Vanessa.

77.”We should do it again sometime, preferably without the threat of a zombie apocalypse” “I'm not making any promises” Lol ….Did I really just type that?

78.As dumb as Dan saying this is canon is, it's still a funny ending.

79.“Horror movies, scary but so unbelievable” Nice.

80. Lots of Me is a really fun song, and good luck getting it out of your head.

81. Did I mention this special is suspenseful?

EPISODE WIN TALLY: 81

REWARD: Emotional Bravery Patch

I think is the highest win count so far, fitting. Not a lot else to say. But just...that sin count. See you next week as we start to wrap it up with sins of a galaxy far far away and the one you've all been waiting for. See ya then.

#Season 4 Sins #Season 4 Wins #Special Sins #Special Wins #Wins #Phineas and Ferb

3 notes · View notes

throwingideasatthewall · 4 years ago

Text

Clone Wars Episode 19

Storm over Ryloth

Inter- sting

I know (how ) this likely means ‘storm’ as into breach or, to take by force

But I can’t help thinking about space weather

It’s so fricking cool

But getting into the story;

[Quote; It is a rough road ahead, leads to the height of greatness

I’ve spoken about this before; You don’t need suffering or conflict to be great (Or to write a good story)

Productivity (and happiness) doesn’t require suffering

Someone might heck you over but that’s just a momentary inconvenience

When you’re chasing (and doing) your dream

And it won’t really matter after you’re done dealing with it

And in light of your actual goal

Now continuing on;

Droid army

I like how it’s “subjected,”

Like you know the adults can get out of this at any time

Same brain, Same abilities (Yes) Same in- tell-I gence

(Same Ability (To escape)

And are assholes if they dragged children into this

(Enablers if they didn’t (Directly)

Starving

Again, Fixable

Also, one blockade Screws You Over?

You can’t like self sustain

On your own planet?

That’s.. kinda cringe ,bro

Evil

Is anyone not in this circumstance?

Like not the children obviously...

Watt-ton-boar

Interesting

Name

Also please be more nuanced and put in more Thought than the colonizers episode

Please

(My head can’t stand that headache.)

.. .

“Iron fist,”

Well he is made out of iron

(Or at least a metal suit,)

Senate

Oh Palpatine cares!

(I know not really but run with me on this)

Grand army of the Republic

Mount a bold - offensive

Again the escalation of this goes from 10 to 1

It’sa amazing

Like last episode was biological warfare

(Now it’s a grand army)

And it’s just off the chart how this conflict works

Going from stabbing each other To throwing more paper airplanes at each other

(None of it done seriously)

And without any consideration to how terrifying that is with children... involved

Like it’s their game but their actual living nightmare That... they’ll be left to clean up, if it doesn’t kill them first

That’s terr- -fying

Also this is one planet (System?)

(But you showed...

Ergh

In- Consistent-ly

Asoka is already glaring

And more focus on her

Than Anakin

Aight

Really focusing on Ahsoka there movie

Anakin gets shifted by the holograms

Obi-wan’s Ground Assault

Seriously it’s one planet

Big Planet

Big Station-

Oh I thought Obi-Wan - was flirting with the villains again

Never mind it’s just some random Sergeant

(Good for him)

And like the Titanic he’s fecking jinxing it

“Un- destructible” Yeah I know a few people that said that

Tragic irony, get ‘em

Okay

Dude has mood lighting

Knows the Republic is going to attack

Let’s get the shitshow on the road

(The battle that’s likely going to unfold, not the story,)

Surprise

In-teresting

so good

so far

You

Re-public

Invade

Good for him

Get-ting assigned an important mi-ssion

Good

Into the Blue!

(Here we go)

Aight

Let’s See

Okay

Lots of build up for the admiral

Aight

Hey the clone actually talk to him in an accurate show of decent accountability

Good Job

I like the Admiral when he’s not micromanaging stuff

He looks practically adorable

- with his little mustache...

“Prepare for battle,”

Never mind it was ruined by logic that they should always be ready for battle

They are on a war ship after all

-still a nice moment

Raise the shields

- Fair order

Aight, two more

This... is Anakin’s command after all

Aight

Right

Okay

Good for them.

Okay

Ahsoka gets a starfighter Why?

Commanding a squadron

Wait they gave her a squadron?

I thought-

The character is a Mary Sue

There

DONE

[either that or Yoda’s an idiot]

Or, Anakin an unaccountable bastard

[They’re both un-accountable]

“Idiot,” is just short for an unaccountable at this point

[I can’t stand to correct it every time]

Any-way

Let’s make a good impression

That was almost a good child-like impression

Still a bit too much emotion and not stunted enough

But fine...

As is...

—-

“ of course I’m not nervous,”

Never- mind there it went with all the goodwill towards the character

- Who shouldn’t be capable of nervousness

Shit show on the road

[”Snips,”

First Command

Nervous

All the things wrong with that conversation with a child

Good Job

Every-one

Abom ination

De-pend- ing

Child soldier ...

Lives? Who put the child soldier in charge,

Also Bull Shit Adults

Pressure Off

Whatever ..... Handle It

Aight

And...

Great

Back

Force be with you

Made the presence of self (which you can’t have because you’re a child) Be with You

“I won’t let you down”

Child.

Soldier.

Hope

Aight

[Mary Sue,]

Okay

]

It’s... rolling out

Kick- Back .... Knows Some Non -Sense Is going- down - He’s likely going to die

Being the only person that sees something wrong with the whole “child soldier,” Leader -ing thing ... Aight

‘Mother Bird,’?

Please tell me that isn’t Ahsoka‘s nickname?

Couldn’t it have been anything else?

[i’m aware “mother,” Generally Refers To Base Or Lead -ing - Ship - Just that we see plenty of other names - For the lead ship - That would’ve been less - - - Dis - turb -ing

(It’s a nitpick but one that I will carry to my grave)

(She’s a hec’kin Child!)

I am a little bit fumed

At them never writing her like one

And still trying to take any credit for good writing

.....

Shows on the roll

Aight

..Those Do... ... Kinda. look like vultures .. Maybe wrong ship ... IDk .. Okay There They Go .. Aight ... There They Go ... Perfect time to get your Padawan involved ... Back with this guy..

“Lau-,”

Okay when I originally heard this (I paused it) I thought he was saying “lunch” To show his decadence or lack of care,

What he’s actually saying is a “Launch,”

Still good

(A (relatively) smart move)

Just a funny anecdote

Okay

Again what is with the mood ... lighting?

(On his hat?)

Okay .... Right,

Whelp

They’re screwed

(Way to send the inexperienced Padawan first dickhead,”)

Also; where the heck is Obi-Wan?

Like I normally never usually complain because they never hold him responsible and treat him like a kicked puppy

( “In this nonsense ‘adults are the savior of everything, leading down, other adults, capable of initiative, the Glorious path Of stag -nation

And ooh, Obi-wan is the victim!

Saving his previous grooming victim from the evil of not stagnation (And being even the tin-iest bit upset about that whole grooming set up!

(Never mind Accountability [Shutter])

I see them doing it

I’m just giving the writers the benefit of the doubt that that’s not what they’re going with

(Until I’m certain that’s the narrative)

Anyway, Yeah, they mentioned him like five minutes ago

We haven’t seen him since Or ever

Switching over to Anakin‘s Admiral

When it’s supposed to be Obi-Wan’s mission ...

For his attack it’s surprisingly empty

Then again when has he ever focused and done what he was supposed to do

[Man is a dumpster fire]

[And yeah he has another child soldier to train so he’s probably busy with that]

- Last episode snark

He really can’t restrain himself to one

[ Anakin’s old news now...]

.....

Okay, I’ll stop the jokes now

Back to this episode;

Fleet is ready?? !!

You’re all clear

For What?

Dying?

There’s a million ships heading right for her

She’s going to be destroyed...

“Softened them up,”

A child dies when an adult wants them to die

There is no way she makes this

R7 —- Ready —- Action —-

What-ever

My brains already going numb?

This is going to be an ‘Asoka’ focused episode, isn’t it?

Argh

[i’m starting to wish I read the pre-views

(Or the title description)

Note; you’re going to hear a lot of a ““Uhmms,” “Uh-hahs,”, and ”what- Evers,”

As my brain shuts down to make way for the authors favorite Mary Sue

...

Boss

Arghghhhhh

God help me

Ahsoka should be dead

Ahsoka should be....

Movie, you do you know how children work

Children... Can’t survive An Adult wanting them dead

Those are bots programmed to kill every man woman and child

Ahsoka, should be dead

What really bothers me-

It’s the fact the child soldiers is something that you have to do carefully

You have to think through it

There’s not brawns because children don’t have the brawns to win that fight

Nor anything else

The adult has to let them win

(Or let them live at least)

Which goes well with a story about a narcissist. playing both sides

If the narrative (didn’t) what are used to hold the scene with culpable

The tension should come from the fact That Asoka isn’t aware of the danger she’s in

Completely unaccountable for her situation

And would be unaware up to the death

That is the tragedy of child soldiers

(They are by very definition glass tanks)

Fodder Of ...... Amorality

If you want to write an adult, write an adult

Don’t push these backwards morals

Write responsibly ........ Accountable for the ideas you bring into the world ... Ahsoka the unchildlike Narc

(That thing is not a child; I will be addressing it as the quasi-adult abomination it acts to be Showing how the actions (at least) Work better with the adult

While still holding its culpable for writing a bad character (Child) (Un-real -istic-)

[also they’re leading into a Patroclus like twist]

I don’t care

Here we see Ahsoka, taking the blame for some-thing an older (Enabler) Generation Did, Taking the heat [for the blame]

And by the energy the enabler (toxin instigat -or has gained, by the Ena-bling

That’s what I would say if the story actually took it self properly, and didn’t write Ahsoka poorly

- additionally with Anakin’s emotions of guilt (for enabling) addressed

[Alt ernatively]

Child;

This represents the complete power Adults [Enabling- over involved- generation breakers] hold over the naïve and defenseless, And how enablers care about their games more than for any concern about the well-being of others]

However that’s not what Happens;

Ahsoka, the abomination culpable to neither odds or groups, Makes it through

OY, Writers, Plot armor only applies to adults,

For children it’s unrealistic and bad writing

Because while adult humans maybe space orcs

Babies are... Not

They die when they are killed

While an adult can survive so long as they know what they’re getting into

Okay. everyone except Ahsoka

Who should be dead

.......

Clone enables ...... Okay ... Whatever ..... There is .. Oh yeah when they’re right on top of you .. That’s the right time to call for reinforcements .. Not like they were arrive - just in time to see you get blown up - Good idea .. Smart guy

[Also Anakin lent Asoka his ship so she can be Patroclus-ed did I mention that?

And how stupid it is?

[The characters I mean] . . Alright . .. There we go .. Right ... Whelp ..... Four enemy cruisers

So she’s

Totally

Dead Now Right .... Warn those fighters

Why

Does Anakin looks so pissed off at everything?

Also like not going to pull the child soldier at any time?

Caught

“You’re over reacting Admiral.”

Do you know those fanfiction’s where it states that someone has a problem but he’s never brought up in any meaningful way?

Just there .... . To make her seem quirky and relatable?

With a child character acting way beyond her age? (Or his’ having been no stranger for calling Anakin out for his shenanigans; even though Ahsoka is the most oblique case]

As a child they shouldn’t have any preferences besides eating and sleeping on un-interrupted

As an adult that would be a good study of how assumed authority and toxic behavior (Such as enabling) leads to a worser quality life (Ahsoka’s preferences and dislikes; no longer a concern,)

With the feeling of instability toxic peers bring

(Small goal; why cutting toxic peers, out of our life, and society, is a good idea, a necessary to prevent society from becoming an unstable mess)

However here it is nothing due to the story’s refusal to commit

And instead creating a non-human abomination of a main character, that sucks all the tension and stakes from the story like an on branded Mary Sue straight from Fanfiction

I hope the writers are proud to know they wrote such an abomination of a character

That it ruins any semi-decent plot they have written

And their decision to irresponsibly inflicted on the world are not unnoted

Though I do hope to forget this character as soon as possible

And that it’s existence will be lost to time and space

And not inflicted on the future generations

(And hopefully not many more people from this generation either*)

Or the older brother* generation

* Specifically

With that we are 19:17 minutes in (From finishing)

“Blue leader”

Do you think I won’t be done with a premise* so early on

*Episode

But the premise was already such a bad one

And the characters so badly miss handled

Which is a shame because I actually look forward to an episode of this premise

Heck they were redeemed Jar-jar Binks, you’d have to figure an episode with Ahsoka being redeemed was waiting right around the corner

However this is clearly not it

Well I hold out hope that the writers will eventually practice accountablity when writing Ahsoka’s character

That light is getting shorter and shorter

(It doesn’t excuse all the mediocre episodes or episodes turned mediocre by the lack of acc- oun tability

In her writing)

Con- tin- Uing On

“Admiral attempts to order a Jedi,”

I don’t think he has the authority to do that

Movie did you just break your own rule of command?

For a stupid trope?

Show how “bad ass” your Mary Sue Character is?

Argh

Also Anakin’s just a dip shit

(An Unaccountable dip shit)

Who en-dangered a child’s life on his own volition Like he’s already Darth Vader to me

No need to put on the mask

Just start playing the theme

(Not charming)

(Will never be)

Okay ..... There should be no question about that

(Unless it’s trying to insinuate Obi-Wan as a secondary groomer

Or the Chancellor’s second victim)

But seeing as the writers practice the accountability of a squirrel

Probably not...

.....

Heck off

Un child like abomination

Whelp

But the (un) child-like abomination is getting people killed

When by all the realism she should be the one dying

........

Writers ....

Not cool

“Our lines,”

You sent one group out there

We’ve seen you do literally nothing else ....

[this doesn’t make Asoka look cool, this makes everyone else look stupid

[Un-accountable]

[and I know what they are going with the survived beyond all odds when no one else can nonsense,”

No, movie

Just... No

[so many critical (mis)understandings (intentional mis-carrying), that drives this story into extinction

“Alright, alright,”

She only comes back when she’s needed more!

Fuck off...

Movie

That character got someone killed...

And has had enough sentience to understand the consequences of her actions

[and the system she enables]

And the concept of death

[Fair enough that dude could’ve saved himself]

But Ahsoka assumed authority and fucked it up Well enough Herself

No innocence in that

Retreating

Dude is ready to die [and while I don’t actually respect to or encourage that]

You kind of have to respect*/laugh At his commitment to his toxic job

Aight, Mate

Orders

That I pick and choose

And should’ve followed without a second thought if I was an actual child

Abomin -ation

Well

what

hope that was good

Oh he was actually doing some thing

That would’ve been nice to see when he uttered the “We’re out-numbered,“ Line

“Intensify deflector shields”

How?!

There’s too many

[really setting up the odds for Ahsoka to be the Big Damn hero [Un-realistic -ally]

Aren’t you ,movie

Aight

Fighter Squad

Bull-shit

Also isn’t it supposed to be the whole damn army?

Like, where is their enforcement is my question

Because it should be like baseball bat to glove

With them out numbering those guys 1 to 10

So what is up?

And also where is Obi-Wan Kenobi?

Y’know

The guy

this mission is actually supposed to be about

Seriously, that’s becoming a littered detail

Alright, okay

ARGGH

Dear God

She just said “cool your jets,”

To the fuckin Admiral

Are you trying to DIE

Child?

That’s an adult

They can

(And might)

Try to kill you!

WTF

We’re at 18:03

And already having this many problems with the story

Like even an essay on why this character doesn’t work

Hasn’t done much to sustain me

Through This Bull

Too late!

What.......?

What-

Happ -ened

Sky- Walker..

Okay

Just- Okay movie

You- don’t get any reaction beyond that

And.. the ship’s down

You know if this is in any other situation

With actual good characters

And set up

That might’ve been a bit actually tear jerking

As Ahsoka is forced to reckon with the fact of what the toxic behavior has done to her friends and family

And even as enablers - of a terrible military complex -( of toxic behaviors) you can’t help but feel - despite this being on making up their own creation - that it’s still too cruel for a human being (or sentient) and that accountability will be a blessing for them, where their hurt to themselves and everyone around them will be lesser

But that isn’t the case

Because Ahsoka

And toaster

Hang on Admiral

Fuck’in Jedi -under breath

Like seriously Comms guy here gets lot of our beef

But he seriously gets put through a whole fecking lot this episode

Like yeah he could stop this at any time

But He Doesn’t

And as noted above, It’s like dude you could be doing better for yourself...

You deserve better

Human reaction

Just Ouch

Out of Here

Fighters

Like yeah let me just try and contain the inhumane abomination of nature Sure, sir Right after- [Ship shaking]

I get these fires contained

[Feckin’ Jedi]

Well shit got more wrecked

Return

Oh shit yeah I fucked that up

Oh, Right

Few seconds

Why are you riding this guy’s tailplate?

Retreat

Whelp

Why?

Also, this is just like one fleet

I thought this was supposed to be like a multi facet thing

Like it said that the whole entire army

And we’re dealing with is extremely small slice of the pie

(Like not even supposed to be part of the pie As Asoka is a Jedi in training,”

We didn’t even see what Anakin and the Admiral are doing otherwise

Seriously all their hopes...

On a “teenager”

Who should be uncapable of intuition (Or initiative)

And Yoda (and surprisingly* every one else) Signed off on this

*Presumably * Nothing is surprising about A bunch of child groomers Agree- Ing to throw -ing A child into danger

That’s ex -pected

Smart Guy

Given that we literally haven’t seen any other bit of the Army

Ahsoka meant that she’s going to invade the enemy ship didn’t she?

Like it was cut so we couldn’t see the direction

The way she said that other clone’s name

I’m sus.

Good job

If you do your job well enough No one can beat it with half-ass ery

Okay

Failing?

Since when?

Anyone that got hit died!

How?

Stay with me

In this surprisingly stupid attempt

... ....

Aight,

He’s Dead

Good job everyone involved

“Axe,”

Apparently the only one that survived (Almost)

Also, Ahsoka how does it feel to have enabled that behavior?

Because you played a part

Skipping over the part that that was her fault?

And the consequences of enabling extremely toxic actions?

Like that person’s dead

Might not have been dead if everyone didn’t enable this

Like there was a part there

Close up the hangar doors

Why?

Also, That’s your reaction, To seeing all this shit

We’re home

That’s a bit better

Could’ve use a bit more conflict Over her role Eyes widening and shifting in horror Actually shocked

And expressing the full emotions of an adult

(If that is what we’re going for)

Okay, Alright

Also, someone survived?

Why?

Didn’t

He-

(Guess he only survived out of his own initiative)

And was just very done

Alright

Okay

Sucks

Hey- “jump to lightspeed”

Aniken- actually did some thing in this whole episode

Well,

Hope the other traids of this multi-facet -Ed

Invasion

Also, how is one ship not on fire?

Bull shit that’s Anakin’s

His ship... was on fire

Hold your characters accountable For the situations they caused

Now I’m going to assume Anakin and Ahsoka have the standard clichéd ‘You should’ve listen to orders/ I do what I want,” or Anakin comforts the un-child-like abomination for consciously Enabl -ing Bad Behaviors, As An Adult, As that the only situation that conversation would happen

(The narrative refusing to hold her accountable)

With a child it would just be an over involved adult comforting their own orders That and only that

Himself and only himself

Because children do not require comforting if you do not put them in distressful situations

“Sorry” Doesn’t quite cover it

Head Count

Aight

Can’t make me feel bad drama queen

Stop bothering the tech guys and get off

“Dis-appointed,”

She’s capable of making her own decisions

She’s either one an un child like abomination Or an adult Who should be how to accountability for repeated tox

Anakin held accountable (For enabling)

The second he hits an accountable adult

Point being they’re both in the wrong

And if movie is trying to paint one of them as a more or less innocent (Accountable) Movie is wrong

(You can be more or less toxic than someone, But after rule of five; you’re both equally accountable (Aka, should be held accountable)

(Equally irredeemable)

(By audience)

(Different People)

Point being; they’re both toxic

And I wish the writers would stop treating Ahsoka as deserving of any of the inn -ocence Un-account -ability

Of a child

When she doesn’t act, talk or have any say to it besides in name

Story telling us

Then contradicting by showing us what is almost the exact opposite (Quasi-)

Wanting to give Ahsoka of the responsibilities, (and dialogue) of an adult

But the subjective accountability Of nothing

Same with the tone

Creating a wholly Inhumane Character

With the loss of any sympathy as consequence

It sucks

[Too much emotions]

Like an un childlike abomination

Children shouldn’t have initiative!

Nothing

Obi-wan

Yeah- where the FECK is Obi-Wan?

He was mentioned at the beginning

That’s it

We haven’t heard (or seen) lip of the guy

Until now

“ I know you meant well snips,”

No she didn’t

If she’s capable of initiative, She knows she’s enabling the military complex

Fuck off with your subjective accountability movie

You can’t make me sympathize with a war enabler

(One doing it completely of her own sentience)

You get in that corner with your own (un) accountability

And stop focusing on this moment like there’s anything interesting or we’re supposed to sympathize with these characters

Without adjusting the lighting or showing any sign that you’re (assuming acc ounta bility For dis- play ing An enabling conversation And not normalizing a bad situation (Which should not be taken lightly)

Bigger Picture .... That You’re Not Aware Of

Assuming a sentient being is uncapable of understanding your logic

Tox

First rule of war

Don’t do war

It’s unaccountable

“Listen and obey your superiors,”

Yep there’s that assumed authority

Also she spent her whole life being groomed for this

There’s no doubt in my mind that she knows

That was malicious disobedience

(Something uncapable of children

“But sometimes you get carried away,”

Yeah he’s an adult he does it maliciously

You’re supposed to be a child But you’re capable of malacian

But the story refuses to hold (both you and him) Accountable For multiple acts of deliberate tox

And por -tray this conversation, As between two tox individuals Debating which one of them is more tox, with no stakes

To put it shortly, The story has commitment issues (And Severe characterization issues) That causes of the story to be unstable and flounder

(As it deserves)

“ understand what you’re going through,”

Being an enabler?

(To this un -childlike abomination’s toxs?)

No one is innocent in this scenario, movie

You better get it right

....

“ that I failed,”

Yeah you specifically screwed that up

....

“it wasn’t your fault,”

Hold up, hold up, hold up

(You put that soft music back where it belongs

Movie!

That was completely her fault!

(Enabling be damned)

“So many of my pilots,”

Put that light music away

Play something heavier

She’s the villain of the story

Now

This is disturbing

Not cute

Anyway...

“that’s the reality of command,”

That’s the reality of being toxic

“General we’re approaching our staging area,”

This is the circumstance you allow Skywalker

“Very Good Captain,”

Continue enabling The military complex Anakin

It’ll pay off one day (No; it won’t)

“ Master Windu,”

Seriously first time hearing (Never mind Seeing) Windu; This entire time;

“Progress,”

Oh so Ahsoka did fuck up the plan

Big Whoop

No surprises there

Mary Sue’s breaking the rules and getting no consequences is pretty on par

“Our progress ,huh,”

Hey you actually nearly had some bitterness appropriate for the situation!

Almost a good job writers!

“ we haven’t made any progress yet,”

Yep both a group of feck ups in a group of enablers

Great- situation that is

“No, Rex,”

Rex is half a Narc

Still an enabler

But he gives some care

(Still bad)

(And tox.)

(Myself)

Movie!

Put that sad music back where it belongs so help me

Screw that

Un-deserved-

You cannot make me feel bad for the enablers-

You shouldn’t be damn trying!

On the damn line, this movie is

Okay

....

She made this hole

Like good for her for taking some basic self accoun- tability and getting (temporary) away from his toxicity

That was almost an appropriate emotion

Okay, Whatever

Ahsoka’s going to do something reckless and stupid (Un- Acc oun Table) To “Prove” Herself, Do the same exact thing, That got her reprimanded, And be rewarded

,isn’t she?

....

Jedi Crashed

One very small piece

Of one facet

That shouldn’t exist

Did

And they had no back up plan

Besides the child soldier

(That acts like nothing like a child)

That’s something really to brag about

More so to shout “what the heck is that thing?!!”

At the clearly on unchild “child”

Yoda, And Plo, Have some explaining to do

Over where they found such a child

(A lab?)

It’s always on my mind that no one screaming about how fecked up it is that a “child” is capable of initiative

In every scene No one’s screaming, ‘You’re like 13! How are you capable of anything besides following orders??”

That’s how the clone facility got shut down

*gets

There’s some things even they won’t touch .....

Aight ... This dude bragging .... Okay

What-ever .... Blockade

Al right

Remember this is just the blockade

There’s a whole slave colony (Or whatever)

That we still haven’t got to

(Nor Obi-Wan‘s arrival)

How long is this thing?

Con-gratulations

But do not underestimate the Jedi

‘Except Obi-Wan underestimate that bitch all day, He still won’t do shit!

[Hasn’t even shown up!]

Seriously...

Commander bring me the data on general skywalker,

I know this is working up a ‘don’t underestimate the young,’ But babies?

Underestimate that all day they’re still Help-less

(As Ahsoka should be)

Yeah you shouldn’t underestimate the younger generation, Because you shouldn’t heck with the future at all!

The tragedy of child soldiers (And abused children) Is that there is no instant karma

Only Capable After The 22 Mark.

Writing your character an un child like abomination Isn’t clever movie

It’s un acc Ount Able

(And Terrible)

Asoka should be a worse version of general Kenobi/ Skywalker Due to having the orders But none of the initiative .. Of an adult ....

Aight

Okay

Surprise

No Asoka almost systematically Screwed up your unaccountable plan Relying completely on her

How this conversation should go;

So, the plan revolving around the child soldier went horribly

Ob; “wouldn’t have guessed,”

A; Yeah, I suppose...

[Angry bick -ering and Snark -ing comm ences]

While Ahsoka sits by blankly, awaiting an order [Be-cause Child]

[End]

....

What actually happens;

Aniken lies and says they were “out numbered”, [didn’t even try]

Sent out like one teem

[To our knowledge]

Cruiser

Wait, what?

When did this happen? We didn’t see that!

Everyone made it to the safety of hyper space

[Last I checked]

Except for Ahsoka’s team!

And I’m no expert on ships

[i’ve gotten the Separtists And Republic ships confused more times than I can count]

But Ahsoka’s team was the only ship we saw go down

And there was definitely more than one of those...

So like...

Show don’t tell movie

Plus an entire squadron of fighters

PLUS!

Dude I’d rather see the ship go down!

Seriously?!

What the heck happened there!

What the Heck!

That’s an important detail!

You could’ve use that as contrast!

Or to show that Anaken was further along in enabling!

- ——-

!!! !

And your Padawan

And your Padawan what...

What part of the plan are you aware of that we’re not?

(Because apparently a cruiser went down!)

So clearly some nonsense happened that we didn’t see!

Also, wait what happened to Comms guy?

That is prime guilt trip material!

Knowing the consequences of enabling bad behavior! (Toxic behavior!)

Seriously...

What?

Ahsoka’s fine

The authority assumer’s fine

Yippee!

I was so con cerned

About the childlike abomination that it doesn’t seem able to die

“Hard,”

HAHAHA

Are you kidding?

She was more concerned with her failure then the fact That those guys died!

She treated them like skill points more than actual people!

“ give her time,”

Give her time to get over it and enable more people in danger!

- Advice with Obi- Won-

“ you will need her help-”

Th-

The CHILD soldier’s ?

WTF

Not Cool!

Through This

“I know,”

I know child soldiers are the new in!

Also, wow. Even when she’s not in the scene, the universe bends to talk about her and give her props Sign 1; that you’re writing a Mary Sue

Seriously, You didn’t bother to put this character through like a Mary Sue checklist?

(Or did you use that as writing guidelines?

For This Character?

I’m getting really heated..

I’m just going to blank my mind for a bit

And maybe skip past these scenes

[because there was just nothing with redeemable about These Characters Or This Plot]

Thank you Windu for not focusing on Ahsoka..

Postpone The...

Urgh

[it’s not worth it It’s a badly done “Child screws up one thing (And the entire world) and must overcome your measurable odds (completely unrealistically) to Atone,”

It is literally the candy bar of plots

The most unhealthy .... And unappealing (Sorry to candy, It Has some thing over these plots)

If I stop at anything that makes me angry, I’m going to be here all day, [For Years!] - Switching into summary mode .... Meaning that the commentary won’t be immediate .....

And will be more like when there’s a Tumblr refresh Without The Brackets...

Not even worthy of the, “Uhms,” “Oh yeah, and “That’s great,” I usually start falling into about this point

.....

[Oh my god....

No, Just No

[Everyone is tox, Ashoka is an adult, tries to assume some accountability and leave, Anakin guilt trip her into it [she’s an adult so she didn’t have to go with it] but still, the Clones show the tiniest bit of Accountability, the Admiral showed reasonable hesitance, confirms And enables Ahsoka’s Un-accoun tability]

And the story ends up as clichéd and [even worse] broken as I predicted, going full Mary Sue, having Ahsoka take the helm at the rip age of 13 [Acting on Quasi-22] having the basic decency not to blow my ears out with a happy theme but it’s still appears nauseatingly constant in the background, despite none of this being deserving, staying enough under the radar, near “fiercely annoying,” instead of “actively harmful” And Dis gus ting

Like it’s predecessors saving it from a strike

But not from being a terrible episode

[Worthy of being forgotten,]

Ahsoka; the tales of being a Mary Sue?

Skip It

Which is a shame

because This character could be so much better

0 notes

shurisneakers · 4 years ago

Text

harmless (vi)

Summary: Bucky volunteers to go stop a small time villain, but nothing can prepare him for what exactly he has to deal with. (Bucky x villain!reader, drabble series)

Warnings: cursing, existential crisis, frustrated bucky, dramatic reader, lil bit of angst, clint barton being a lil shit

Word count: 1.9k

A/N: BUCKY BARNES IS BACK AND HAS A CONFIRMED PERSONALITY

also omg everyone who’s been sending me ideas- ur the lomls.

if you have any ideas for future inventions/evil plans, lemme know! i might actually end up using them

here’s my ko-fi if you’d like to support my writing <333

Previous Part || Series Masterlist

Your place or mine? ;)

He stares at the text.

The right answer is mine. See you at the lair.

“Y’all are dating now?” Clint peeks over his shoulder.

“Fuck no,” Bucky says indignantly. “God forbid.”

“Okay, man,” he retracts, giving Bucky space to turn around and face him. “What do you want to call your mini dates then?”

“Missions,” Bucky corrects him.

“No one wants to go on a mission. You volunteered to go back there.”

“It’s for the good of the tristate area.”

“I bet.” The snort he lets out contradicts his words. “Whole world is depending on you, Barnes. Go save them from the treachery of your crush.”

“Enemy.”

“Girlfriend.”

“Mortal nemesis.” Bucky narrows his eyes at him. “Go further, I dare you.”

“What are you gonna do? Choke me? Punch me with your metal arm?” Clint cranes his neck. “Bring it, big boy. I’m not scared of some kinky shit.”

He hates living here.

The door is left open for him.

This time, even though the lair is still illuminated by the green light out in the front, there’s a minor change. Sunlight streams in through a skylight in the roof.

There’s a ladder there, leaning against the rim. It gives him an entrance to the roof, which, judging by the lack of any other presence in the lab, is where he’s supposed to go.

As he gets closer he notices there’s a note on one of the rungs.

‘Evil’ with an arrow pointing upwards.

He rolls his eyes, discarding it on the floor before swiftly scaling the steps.

“Ah, Mr. Barnes,” he hears your voice call out even before his head pops up above the surface. “We’ve been expecting you.”

He pauses, looking around. “Who’s with you?”

Because other than the gigantic machine pointed up towards the sky, there’s only you with a visor and sunglasses. The best way he can describe its design was that it was shaped like a pine cone, had a large antenna pointed towards the sky, two handlebars near its base to manoeuvre it with a large button in between them.

“Just imagine I have my henchmen with me,” you urge. “I’m on a budget, man, I can’t afford them yet. Maybe when my cloning machine finally works-”

He doesn’t answer.

“It’s a James Bond reference,” you add when he doesn’t show any signs of answering.

“Haven’t watched it yet.” Bucky shrugs. “We’re doing Star Trek right now.”

“You’re done with Star Wars?” you, receiving a nod in confirmation. “Nice. You’d find the spy shit ridiculous anyway, it’s way below your level.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” He makes a mental note to add the Bond movies to the list.

“Speaking of stars,” you begin, gesturing to the machine. “I’m going to harness the power of the sun.”

“For what?” He doesn’t bother asking how, he already knows you’ve figured out something.

“There’s a science exhibition and my team’s stupid solar car experiment isn’t working and I need it for them to win.”

“So build a better one.”

“No, ours is the best and if Jeff and his stupid baking soda volcano beat us then we’re going to have a murder on our hands.”

“Your hands,” he emphasises. He has nothing to do with this.

“I said what I said, boy.” You glare at him. “This is our problem now.”

“How much power are you taking?” If it’s insignificant enough, it wouldn’t matter much. He thinks.

“The whole thing.”

He laughs. He stops when you don’t.

“You’re taking all the energy of the sun to power your shitty science model.”

“Your face is a shitty science model,” you mimic him in a higher pitched voice. “I will do anything to win.”

He wonders which grade kid you stole that insult from was in. There’s no way they were anything older than 13. He could use it on Steve, maybe.

“Everyone on Earth will die.” He feels the need to remind you, even though there was no way it was actually going to take place. Eat shit, Clint. This superseded the tristate area.

“Not for eight minutes.” You look at your watch. “And, if Jeff dies then I win by default.”

“You’ll die too,” he points out.

“I’ll die a winner.” You nod seriously as if that makes it better.

He’s not that worried. Experience tells him that you’re not a mass murderer willingly.

“You’ll die an idiot.”

“Only if you don’t stop me.” Your lips curve into a smile. “And how will you when I do this?”

You yank the machine to point towards him and slam the button. His hand reflectively pulls in front of him to defend himself. Something hits him with enough force to send him skidding backwards slightly.

He removes his hand carefully from in front of him, looking at you.

Something feels off.

“You just-”

The knives strapped to his thighs suddenly feel heavier.

“Took your powers?” you finish his thought. “Yeah.”

He feels his body tip towards his left. He’s suddenly very aware of the weight of the arm. Had it been this heavy all this while?

“You’ve barely changed,” you noted, “You’re just regular Bucky but like, 20% less beef.”

After all, he was a boxer when he was a teen. One of the best men the Howling Commandos had even before the serum.

His shoulder feels heavier though. And somehow he thinks he’s sensing things a little less. He can’t really hear the faint buzzing of the generator downstairs anymore.

“Yep, that’s real muscle.” He turns when you poke at his shoulder. He doesn’t know when you got there. “You’re like a modern day Schwarzenegger. Grade A beefcake.”

He can’t see the construction site near the horizon as clearly as he used to.

Something about this situation makes him feel like he’s going to have a midlife crisis, even though he’s overshot the age by a huge number. No one has a midlife crisis at 106.

“Now that we’ve established that this works,” you say, back near the machine again. When did you walk there? “Let’s show this bitch that I’m the brightest star allowed in this solar system.”

He shakes his head to jolt himself awake, shoves aside his mental dysfunction and breaks out into a sprint when you pull the device down to aim it at the sky.

He latches onto the side, using his left hand to pull himself up, straddling the machine.

“Excuse me,” you exclaim like it’s a minor inconvenience and he feels the machine sway wildly under him. “You’re weighing it down, get off my inator.”

You’re shooting recklessly, trying to shake him off. It’s not dissimilar to the mechanical bull Natasha made him ride during a mission down south so she could win money off placing bets on him. They had lobster that night.

He reaches down to its side, hoping to feel maybe a panel he can rip off. He finds nothing.

He hopes none of the rays are actually hitting anything. It’s a little harder to stay on than he’d imagined it would be, and he thinks that maybe this wasn’t the best plan.

He changes his mind in a split second, swinging himself over so that he can climb the underside of the machine like a monkey bar. He feels like a fucking insect. How was Peter not mortally embarrassed?

He factors in the fact that his hands are getting clammier and his grip is slipping faster than usual. Also, he can taste his lunch at the back of his throat.

“Motherfucker,” Bucky curses when his hand slips, leaving him to hold on only by his metal arm.

“You okay?” you call out, not giving him a second to recover unless he really needed it.

He lets out a grunt, swinging his arm up and catching hold of the antenna, yanking it down and towards the machine itself. He pulls himself up so that he’s straddling the machine again.

One more shot and-

“Very smart, Barnes,” you say dryly, letting go of the handles.

He sends you a sly grin before sliding down the barrel, kicking the large button with his heel right before he jumps off.

The beam shoots out, instantly meeting with metal. The device automatically gives a mechanical groan before powering down, turning off altogether.

“I hate you,” you huff, before noting his paleness. “D’you want some water? An IV maybe?”

He dismisses it with a wave of his hand, inhaling heavily to catch his breath.

He’s tired, more so than he would have been under any normal circumstance. He feels a little dizzy, a little disoriented.

“Don’t worry, your magic powers will be back in a few minutes or so.” You examine the bent antenna, pressing the button and sighing when it stands there lifelessly. “Once Jeff wins, I’ll send the dry cleaning receipt to you. You can pay to get the tear stains out of the kids’ outfits.”

“Your tears or theirs?” He’s relieved about the powers returning, he thinks.

“Both, bitch.” Your eyebrow quirks at his retort. Clearly, he had more energy in him than people realised; his brain seemed to be working fine. He was stronger than you thought. Good for him.

“You’re smart. You’ll figure something out.” He lets out a final exhale before standing up a little straighter.

“Thanks. It’d be better if you asked your billionaire tech genius to send us something, but okay.”

“It’s a middle school science exhibition. Make a potato battery or something.”

You tsk-tsk. “No points for creativity, Mr. Barnes.”

It creeps into his mind without warning. He wonders if he actually wanted the powers back. Wonders what his life could be if he maybe retired, settled down. For the brief time he feels like his pre-war self, he starts to think like his pre-war self.

“I’m not the one who’s about to lose to a baking soda volcano,” he finds time to respond, however.

“Your face is a baking soda volcano.” You narrow your eyes at him. “I will not lose.”

“You’re running out of time. Chop chop.”

But the thought hits him. Who is Bucky without his super soldier serum? If he doesn’t have his powers then he can’t think of what use he is to the Avengers.

Who the hell is Bucky if he can’t provide a service to others? How else does he make up for being himself?

His, what he’s now deemed, afterlife crisis is starting to look more apparent.

He compartmentalises and stores it away in a box. He’ll bring it up with his therapist later.

“I’m going to win and then you’ll be sorry you weren’t a part of it because you didn’t let me steal the sun.”

“If you win, I’ll still be glad I didn’t let you.” He climbs back down the ladder, feeling the ache in his muscles reduce with every passing minute.

True to your word, his powers do return a while later.

And while he’s watching Avatar: The Last Airbender with Peter in the living room two days later, his phone beeps with a text.

It’s a picture of a blue first place ribbon next to a toy car that looks like it’s powered by a potato battery. Beside it is an out of focus middle finger that is aimed at him.

Congratulations, he texts back. Told you potato batteries always win.

Your face always wins, he receives in return. He can’t tell if you’re insulting or flirting with him.

He just shuts his phone off and goes back to watching the show.

Next part

978 notes · View notes