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buttercream-squad-imagines · 3 years ago

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Little Red Dress

Pairings: Harry Lewis x fem!Reader, Callux x sister!Reader Word Count: 1.8k Warnings: Swearing, some violence, maybe a few spelling mistakes Request: Idk if this is a request but like a secret relationship with Harry that you hide and you like calluxs sister or something like that and when he finds out he gets really mad or something

How you had gotten here you didn't know. It was a question you had continually asked yourself for the last five or so months. You hadn't long moved to London, where your older brother Callum lived. You had wanted to be closer to him, not that you were far anyway but you were very closer to your brother.

There were quite a few years between you and the older boy, you being born when the latter was 7 years old. Now at the ages of 22 and 29, the two could not be more inseparable. Despite having different fathers - both of whom hadn't stuck around long enough for the pair to remember them - you and Cal were like peas in a pod. With no father figure for you to look up to, you naturally clung to the boy growing up, and Cal being the only male in the house, quickly took on the protector figure for both you and your mum.

As awful as you felt leaving your mum back at home, you had been missing your brother desperately since he had moved to London so long ago, having spent the latter majority of your school years without him. Now after graduating from university, you finally felt free enough to move to the city with your brother and make your own way in life.

That was nearing a year ago, which led you to now. The situation that you were currently in, sneaking around with one of your brother's best friends.

You had met Harry before you could even have been introduced by Cal in one of the most cliche ways ever. Being the clumsy git he is, he had bumped into you in the hallway of your new apartment building and had spilled the contents of the box you were carrying all over the hardwood floor. Awkwardly the man had tried to pick up the contents in a hurry, spitting out apologies to you and once again dropping things from his arms in an attempt to put them back into the box. It was something you had found very endearing and is a quality of his that you adore.

In an attempt to apologise for both spilling the box full of stuff and then dropping the contents whilst trying to pick them back up, Harry had offered to help you bring up the rest of your boxes. It was there that you both ran into your brother, who was visibly confused as to how his cumbersome best friend was talking to his baby sister like they had known each other for years.

Cal would never actually admit it to you but witnessing that interacting had a large pit forming at the bottom of his stomach. He knew how Harry could be and knew from the look in his eye that he had quickly found an attraction in you.

Any spark found in Harry's eyes quickly distinguished when he learned of your relation to Cal, knowing how protective the older boy could be of his baby sister, but nothing could stop the fluttering feeling the boy got when he was around you. Not even Cal's warnings against dating his sister. Warnings that his other friends got, to his relief, all of which assured Cal that his sister was out of bounds. Pleased with the responses, Cal never had a second thought, something you were glad for.

Something you weren't glad for however, was the feeling of uneasiness you got whenever you were with Harry. You almost felt guilty for being with him, even more so for keeping it from your brother.

Your boyfriend of five months, however, was quick to chase away that feeling with his affection. You got to see another side to the boy that many of the people in his life never got to witness. It gave you a feeling of euphoria knowing that you were the object of Harry's affections, and affectionate he was.

When the two of you got to spend time at your apartment, the boy could not remove himself from you. Whether he was lying in bed editing a video, cuddled into your side, or sprawled out on the settee with his head nestled in your lap, he always had to have some body part touching you. His hand always found yours when he was particularly anxious, something that happened quite regularly, which was one of the traits you found most endearing. It warmed your heart to know that you were able to calm him down.

Something you did a lot was steal Harry's clothing. There was just something about those jumpers, especially the sidemen merch, that was just so comfortable. Even after insisting on getting you some sidemen clothing of your own, so he could continue to make use of his own wardrobe, you still wore his. You had told him very shyly that you liked wearing his clothes because they smelled like him, and it brought you comfort when he was away visiting his own family.

Harry thought he might have broken down then and there. Not that he would say it out loud, he secretly loved it when you wore his clothes but knowing that you would wear them when you missed him? He felt like he was on cloud nine.

Which is how you found yourself right now, snuggled on your sofa, drowning in Harry's jumper and a fleece blanket, watching the TV. Harry had been away visiting his family over the new year, and wasn't due back until the following day but you missed him dearly. Your phone had been forgotten in your bedroom, your only distraction was reruns of Grey's Anatomy, a show you had already watched religiously.

You hadn't realised how much time had passed as you easily lost track of time when you got into a show. You also hadn't realised that your brother had been trying to get hold of your for over an hour. Which is why you were startled when you heard the click of the lock turning.

"Y/N?" The sound of your brother's voice filled the small apartment. "Are you in here?"

"On the sofa." You called back with a yawn. He could easily hear the drowsiness in your voice, he would put his money on you falling asleep within the next hour.

"You didn't answer my calls or texts, I was worried." He scolded gently.

"I left it in my room to charge, sorry for worrying you." You stretched causing the blanket that covered you to drop to your lap.

"Whose? Whose jumper is that?" Cal inquired, suspicion laced in his tone.

"Oh, is it not yours?" You asked, trying to cover up the fact that his best friend's jumper adorned your body and was currently the reason that you were about to be outed.

"No. You know that's not my jumper Y/N. It's too small to be mine." You winced at the hardness in his voice.

"I must've picked it up thinking it was yours. Oops." You tried to play it off coolly, and your brother seemed to be coming around to the idea that it was just a misunderstanding. Thank God, you screamed internally.

"Right." He sprawled himself out next to you and let out a groan when he noticed what you were watching. "Really? Grey's Anatomy? You know I've experienced enough hospitals in my life without having to watch this garbage."

"How dare you?" You gasped playfully, whacking the older man on the arm. "I'm not turning it off, so either accept it or leave."

"Fine."

A week later, Cal was visiting Freezy and Harry's apartment to hang out with the boys. You were meant to be coming soon though as you and Cal were going out for lunch. Cal was sprawled on the sofa and Harry was on another, whilst Freezy was in the bathroom. Cal's suspicions once again peaked as he noticed Harry wearing the jumper you were wearing just a week ago.

"I'm sure that's the jumper Y/N was wearing last week." He muttered loud enough for the younger boy to hear.

"Is it? She must've picked it up by accident and thought it was yours." Harry spoke coolly although his stomach felt like it was doing backflips.

"Hmm. That's what she said." He grumbled. The two fell back into a comfortable silence scrolling through their phones, waiting for Freezy to arrive back from the bathroom.

"Harry, I'm sure you've got some secret girlfriend you're hiding from us or something." The loud voice of Freezy echoed through the apartment.

"What?" The boy in question stumbled over his words. "Why would you say that?"

"Well, if I had to guess, I wouldn't put you down as the type of person who used Sunkissed raspberry shampoo and conditioner." He cackled.

"So, what if I did?" Harry's heart was racing, trying to play the situation off. Even if the boys found out he was seeing someone, they still wouldn't know who. That's what he was trying to tell himself anyway.

"Right, so you're telling me this dress from the washing basket is yours too?"

Harry's face dropped as Freezy held up the little red dress that you had thrown in the washing basket after a night out. A night out with your brother and his friends.

"What the fuck Harry?!" Cal seethed, gripping him by the collar of his jumper and shoving him into the wall. "My fucking sister!"

"Oh." Was the only thing that come out of Freezy's mouth once he had realised the severity of the situation. Your brother on the other hand was seeing red. What they hadn't heard was you entering the flat, having heard the shouting from the hallway. Cal raised his fist, bringing it to meet the side of Harry's face, who hadn't said a word yet.

"What the hell Cal?!" You exclaimed, marching over and pushing him away from your boyfriend.

"When were you going to tell me?" He asked you through gritted teeth.

"I don't know what you're talking about." You honestly had no idea what was happening right now, but if you had to make a guess, you'd put your money on Cal having found out about your relationship. You could count on one hand how many times you had seen your brother as angry as this. Not ever had it been directed at you though.

"Stop lying Y/N!" He roared making you cower into Harry behind you and let out a small whimper. "Come on, we're leaving."

"No!" Your brother grabbed the top of your arm and began pulling you away. You tried to shrug his hand from your arm, but he held on tightly. "I'm not leaving."

"Fine." He spat, storming out of the apartment.

"Hey." Harry whispered softly, touching your arm gently.

"I'll just leave you two." Freezy muttered awkwardly, leaving to go to his room. Harry pulled you into his chest and wiped away the tears you hadn't realised had fallen.

"It's okay." He assured you. "It'll be okay."

#sidemen imagine #sidemen #Harry Lewis #Harry Lewis x reader #Harry Lewis x fem!reader #Wroetoshaw #Wroetoshaw x reader #Wroetoshaw x fem!reader #Wroetoshaw imagine #Sidemen x reader #Callux x reader #Callux x sister!reader #Callux x platonic!reader #Harry Lewis imagine #Sidemen fanfic #w2s x reader #w2s imagine #w2s

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wastelandcth · 4 years ago

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birthday polaroid - cth

summary: making memories on calum’s 25th birthday.

author’s notes: happy birthday to calum! i hope he has a wonderful day and i hope you guys enjoy a little moment in time with our favorite guy. thanks to @lowkeyflop for sending me an idea that inspired this piece.

masterlist || request

Everyone around them knew. The small touches and the laughs shared between one another when they thought no one was looking. Everyone knew from the lasting gazes or the way they always found each other in a crowd. Calum knew that he liked her and if he was being honest, he was absolutely terrified to find out if she felt the same. But everyone knew the truth. They were inseparable and it was no secret that there was something more than just friendship.

When Calum and her first became friends, it was nothing more than hanging out with their friend group and texting every once in a while. Calum couldn't remember when things changed between the two of them. He couldn't remember when his heart started racing every time he thought about her or being near her. He couldn't remember when he started craving her attention. But he wasn't sure if she felt the same way about him. He didn't know if her hands got sweaty and her mouth dry when they hung out. But he really hoped so.

She was in love with Calum. That much she knew. She was in love with the person she'd seen him become in the years of friendship. She was in love with his smile and his laugh and everything about him. She never had any plans to tell him how she felt, that would've been insane. She knew Calum, she knew that relationships were never for him and knew that he was afraid to ever be vulnerable in front of a person like that again. So no, there was no way she was ever going to tell Calum that she was truly, madly, and deeply in love with him.

One thing Calum loved about her was how passionate she was about celebrating life and all the joys that came with being a human. When Calum first started hanging out with her alone, he learned very early on that she always tried to make everyone's day better. Whether it was playing Calum's favorite song in the car whenever he was having a bad day or letting Michael borrow her fuzzy sweater when he was cold and had forgotten a jacket on movie night. But Calum found himself more and more in love with her whenever she was just herself when she was with him and she was carefree. He loved listening to her laugh and then talk about something she was loving that day. He loved watching her eye light up whenever her favorite song played and the way she would dance along to the music in the car.

Usually, on his birthday, Calum made plans to spend it with his friends and close ones. They'd usually go out to brunch and start the day off planning whatever fun activity they had for Cal's big day. Then there was the usual outing to whatever club they'd gotten bottle service at that night. Or there was a party at someone's house which usually ended with too many shots and Calum ending up on social media the next morning replaying the events of the night. But this year, Calum felt like shit. His cold started off as a tickle in the back of his throat, a tickle that wouldn't go away no matter how many times he cleared his throat or how many cups of tea he drank. Eventually, the tickle turned into a sore throat and a runny nose with a cough that forced Calum to make the decision on how his twenty-fifth birthday to be canceled. The day before his birthday, which was usually spent hydrating and what Calum described as the calm before the storm, he sent out the text to cancel any plans in order for him to rest and feel better.

Calum hadn't expected anyone to show up. He'd sent out a text message to his friends the night before that he was sick with a cold and that any birthday plans would have to be rescheduled. If he was being honest, hiding in bed covered with blankets and sipping tea out of a Chewbacca mug was a perfect way to spend his birthday. He hated the idea of growing older and was not looking forward to waking up hungover from partying. But Calum wasn't expecting his doorbell to ring at two in the afternoon on the day of his birthday. So he'd ignored it at first, hoping that whoever had been at his front door would get the hint and leave him alone. Leave him to be a year older by himself while a cold that left his nose stuffed and his throat sore stuck in bed. It wasn't until he heard the familiar tone of his security system pinging, telling him someone had opened the front door, that Calum sensed something was off.

"Duke, please tell me your father isn't passed out in the shower or worse," her voice rang out from the living room, making Calum put down the book he had been reading and make his way out of the bedroom.

"Sweet girl?" Calum asked confused, his dry throat making his voice crack a bit.

"Calum," she mumbled, a small smile on her face as she turned to look at him. She had that addicting smile that Calum loved so much, the one Calum liked to think she only showed when she was truly happy. She was holding multiple things, something that seemed to comically in excess, gift bags, and brown paper bags, and a pink cardboard box had been set on the kitchen counter.

"Happy birthday!" she cheered as she set down everything on the counter, "I know you said you didn't want to celebrate since you weren't feeling good but...it's your birthday and I wanted to bring you some stuff to hopefully make you feel better," she mumbled as she walked over to him and pulled him into a tight hug.

Calum watched as she walked around his kitchen, humming quietly to herself while she waited for the soup she'd brought for him to heat up on the stove. She'd been here since the afternoon, something Calum was more than grateful for, making sure that he'd been drinking enough water and that he was taking medicine to help with whatever cold had decided to hit him on his birthday. As the day went on, with birthday presents unwrapped and many pictures taken on the polaroid that she'd gotten him as one of her gifts.

"A camera?" Calum had asked with a sniffle as he unwrapped the box with a pink bow on top of it.

"You always talk about wanting to capture more memories. I thought that maybe having polaroids would help with that. They're more concrete, not as easily forgotten like in your phone." she mumbled and smiled, taking another bite of the cake they'd both been sharing.

"I love it." Calum nodded, "Take a picture with me?" he asked as he pulled the camera out of the box and started to set it up.

Calum hadn't planned on kissing her. He hadn't planned on capturing the exact moment when he told her how he truly felt about her on a polaroid camera, but his heart was full of love for her and how she'd come over to celebrate his birthday with him even after he tried to kick her out to not get her sick. But Calum hadn't planned to kiss her when she sat next to him and held the polaroid camera up in front of them.

"I love you, you know that?" Calum mumbled softly, his own eyes widening as he met her eyes. Before he knew it, his lips were on hers and a flash went off behind his closed eyelids.

The kiss was soft, exactly like she was, soft and warm and everything Calum had needed. Her hand cupped one of his cheeks, pulling him closer as her eyes closed and she fell deeper into the kiss. Calum's arms wrapped around her waist and his forehead rested against hers as they both pulled away. They both let out a shaky breath, Calum's nose brushing against hers as they sat in each other's arms, eyes closed because they were both too afraid to open their eyes and find out that this was all just a fever dream.

"I...I love you." she whispered, finally breaking the silence and opening her eyes, "I always have loved you." she mumbled.

His tired eyes and red nose made a perfect picture, one she'd save not only in her phone but in her heart too. The small polaroids from that day were laying on the bedside table, reminding her of the sweet boy who was dozing off with his head on her chest. His soft breathing warmed her heart and she pressed a kiss onto the top of his curls, her arms tightening around Calum as she felt him start to drift off.

"Thank you." Calum mumbled against her shoulder, "Made my birthday special, made me finally realize how much I love you." he whispered, letting out a soft yawn.

"You deserved to have a beautiful birthday, Calum. Even if it was just laying in bed and eating way too much cake." she teased and pushed back his curls, pressing a kiss onto his forehead. "I'm glad you love me as much as I love you, birthday boy."

"Mhm, best birthday ever," he whispered, his eyes finally closing as the smile on his face fell and he finally drifted off to sleep on what was the best birthday ever. Maybe, just maybe, being twenty-five wasn't going to be as bad as he thought.

taglist: @hoodhoran @finelliine @moonlightcriess @dinosaursandsocks @mxgyver @calpops @karajaynetoday @notlukehemmo @calumrose @devilatmydoor @lyss-xo @lowkeyflop

#calum hood imagines #calum hood blurb #calum hood fics #calum hood oneshots #calum hood x reader #5sos fics #5sos blurbs #5sos imagines #5sos oneshot #5sos x reader #5sos #calum hood #5 seconds of summer #gemma writes #happy birthday calum!

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capricornus-rex · 5 years ago

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Imagine Prompt: Jealous Reader

Photo picked up from @darthvronton

Cal Kestis x Reader

Summary: Greez finally takes the crew to Takodana—keeping the promise that he made not too long ago about laying off once everything was over.

Notes: I originally planned this as a sequel to Inseparable Dyad, I tried writing some parts to be ambiguous to its connection with Inseparable Dyad, but I think it works well as a standalone fic too. Either way works anyway, that’s why I made it ambiguous ;)

Masterlist

The Mantis entered the Takodana system via jump to hyperspace. You and Cal have been long awake after your nap, you’ve taken your places in the cockpit—Cal at shotgun, you on the seat opposite Cere.

The off-planet view of Takodana could be seen and appreciated from the Mantis’s windshield. Greez cranks the steering lever forward, you buckled to your seat as the vessel enters the atmosphere; soon enough, the turbulence went away and the crew could sit back and relax. The captain looks for a suitable place to land, not far from the castle but hidden well enough from prying, suspicious eyes.

“Okay, like I promised—Takodana!” Greez exclaimed, almost celebratory in tone.

As soon as you’ve set foot on the cushiony soil of the planet, a strong waft of petrichor invaded your sense of smell. The air was so fresh and clean. Everything about the planet reminded you of Bogano—of home. Unconsciously, you smile at the vast green horizon behind the castle; Cal turned his head to you, stared at you and your infectious smile caught on to him. He smiles to himself.

“Come on, I’ll show you newbies what a real Bloody Rancor tastes like!”

“I’ve never tasted a bleeding Rancor before,” a clueless Merrin blurted.

“No, no. That’s just a beverage name, not a real Rancor bleeding to death!” you explained whilst finding Merrin’s cluelessness somewhat endearing.

Greez was the tour guide for today. After all, he said that the whole crew deserves a day off after that long, exhausting quest and everything else that followed. He led you to the castle’s walls. Upon nearing the high arch that leads to the main door, you looked up high and saw flags flying their colors in the wild wind—there were so many of them that you could no longer see the part of wall where they’re stuck to, because the flags were clustered closely to one another, either way it mesmerized you.

Through the main door, the inside of the castle was like any other cantina—albeit the wider space and more seating areas. The entrance of the Mantis crew caused some curious heads to turn but they quickly looked back away. The last thing you need is more attention.

“Greez!” the voice of a middle-aged female calls from across the room.

“Hey, Maz!” Greez returned the greeting.

“Took you long enough to visit!”

The cantina keeper emerges from the dense crowd of patrons. An orange creature nearly in equal height with Greez appeared. She donned a pair of large glasses which may have made her eyes look slightly bigger than actual. Her voice was wise as it was feisty and lively, there is no doubt she is the castle’s owner. Aside from her appearance, you and Cal could sense something strong coming from Maz—you immediately distinguished that she was a Force-sensitive.

When the niceties and quick catch-up finished between Greez and Maz, he introduced each of you to her, afterwards Maz gave a polite bow to acknowledge all of you. Neither of you may have spoken, but Maz could already sense that you were thinking about her—curious about her, she could almost hear the questions in your head.

In a little while. Maz thought to herself, hoping that you would pick up the hint.

“Welcome to my castle, feel free to go about as you please. Help yourself to some drinks at the bar, put it on Greez’s tab if you like,” she said half-jokingly.

“Aww come on, don’t be like that, Maz! Say we split 50-50?”

Maz didn’t verbally respond, she just chuckled and dismissively waved at the group before walking up to a group she was initially speaking with prior to your arrival. Merrin decided to look around and order later, Cere wanted to sit down already and relax.

“I’ll have whatever you guys are having,” Cere said before going to look for a seat.

All that’s left is you, Cal, and Greez. The three of you sat by the bar, the bartender was a teal, female Twi’lek. As soon as Cal takes his seat on the barstool, she slowed down in wiping the glass in her hand.

“Hey there, delicious,” the Twi’lek spoke in a suggestive hushed tone, when that caught your and Cal’s attention, she continued on with the act. “Anything I could get for you?”

Cal was evidently taken aback by the display, he subtly pulled mere inches away from the Twi’lek while slowly raising his eyebrow at her. You propped your chin on your fist, a look that screamed “What did she just say?” plastered all over your face.

“Uh yeah, five Bloody Rancors, maybe?”

“I’ll get right on it,” she flashed a coy smile before turning around to work on your drinks.

You and Cal shot looks at one another, shrugging shoulders and throwing raised eyebrows back and forth with each other. Your free hand gestured to the Twi’lek, your body language echoing “Is she for real?”

Suppressing your growing irritation made you eerily silent and withdrawn. Greez calls the bartender and tells her to just serve it on their table, she acknowledged the request but kept her eyes on Cal. The Twi’lek was exuding so much attraction to Cal that she’s practically reeking of it.

The three of you immediately left the bar and searched for Cere and Merrin. The flow of the conversation was natural but you were unconsciously out of it, you barely interacted with the crew; Cal sensed the jealousy from the start, he put his arm around you to comfort you and you gradually picked up the conversation. The Twi’lek bartender served the drinks to your table, she noticed Cal’s arm over your shoulder, she maintained eye contact on Cal but you had eyes on her too. Your gaze pierced the Twi’lek, her seductive smirk reduces to a poker face and then leaves. Cal noticed your silence in her presence until she was gone and so he slightly tightens his grip on you.

The Bloody Rancor was apparently a one-hit wonder among the Mantis crew, even Merrin liked it! The chatter and the stories mingled with the patrons’, you decided to explore the rest of the castle and you hurriedly dismissed yourself, making up the excuse of forgetting something back in the ship. Cal waited for a few more paces before following you. He saw you heading back to the ship.

Cal waited a few more minutes before entering the Mantis. He heard the sparking of the soldering iron, the clinking of tools, and the crunching of screws and bolts being wrenched in. He followed the sound and found you in your lonesome by the workbench.

“Hey,” he called.

You glanced over your shoulder, repeated the word, and promptly returned to your handicraft.

“Something wrong?”

“No, not really. I just suddenly found the castle too… crowded,” you muttered and had a dry follow-up. “You should get back there, the bartender might miss you.”

Cal stepped forward, filling up the tiny space beside you by the workbench. He leans his waist against the edge of the table, crossed his arms against his chest, and simply watched you tweak on your gadgets. He knew that you were deliberately trying to avoid eye contact with him; surprisingly, his presence made you a little shaky, you weren’t holding your tools firmly as you should until you accidentally nipped yourself with wire cutters.

“Ow!” You hissed.

Cal immediately took your hand. You didn’t cut yourself luckily, but you nipped yourself hard enough for the base of your pointer finger to get swollen.

“It’s nothing,” you dismissed.

“No, you’re hurt,”

His thumb softly ran across your wound, you gently attempt to pull it away but his grip felt too secure albeit gentle, and then your fingers curled and encased his fingers. Cal slowly closes in on you with your hand held close to his heart.

“I’m fine really, you should go back, they’re probably looking for you,” you continue to dismissively mutter but Cal isn’t budging.

“I don’t think they’ll mind,” his voice was now only a whisper to you.

“Won’t they now?” you muttered.

“Stop talking,”

The gap between you two has vanished, he pulled himself towards you, and then the next thing you knew he has his lips locked onto yours. He dips his tongue into your mouth and a chill ran swiftly down your spine, your heart skipped a beat, failing to conceal your surprise. He gently lets go of your hand, cups your jaw with both hands and intensifies his kiss—causing you to throw your arms around his shoulder, pressing him closer to you whilst you rake his hair with your slender fingers until you gently gripped it.

You felt his smile in the middle of the kiss, you smiled too. His thumb ran across your jaw, his fingers were slowly sinking into the flesh of your neck—in response, you prodded your tongue which caught him by surprise this time. When you pulled away from the kiss, he followed up with another kiss on your forehead and then his lips trail down to the tip of your nose. Suggestive smiles beamed at one another as soon as you found each other’s eyes. Cal playfully pinched your cheek and added another kiss, a quick peck on the lips.

“We should really get back there,” you giggled.

Cal playfully made a pensive expression, squinting his eyes and smacking his lips.

“Yeah, I think we can stay a little bit longer,” he concluded.

You insisted to go back inside, with the half-joke that your drinks are getting warm. You grabbed both of his hands and led him out of the Mantis, the pair of you head back into the castle hand-in-hand. Along the way, he pulled you to him until he could lock his arms around your waist and embrace you, bury his nose on your shoulder and then sneak little kisses on your ear. Your giggles echoed on the outer foyer of the castle until you got back inside and rejoined to catch up with the crew and Maz.

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lgbtqareads · 5 years ago

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15 Books I Want To Read That are Releasing in the Next 6 Monthes

Every six monthes, I am excited to see the new LGBTQA+ YA books of the next monthes and while thos December, I was a little weirded out to not find them on B&N Teen previews, I was happy to see that Dahlia Adler posted her lists and opinions at lgbtqreads.com. So, of course I went through and narrowed the list from 72 to 34 to 15, only choosing books that I felt I really wanted to read and not just fall for all the amazing synopses and covers, which let's be honest, are all truly masterpieces.

But enough introduction. Let's get into my to be bought (and read) list of the first six monthes of 2020:

We Used to Be Friends by Amy Spalding - JANUARY 7TH

Goodreads Synopsis: Told in dual timelines—half of the chapters moving forward in time and half moving backward—We Used to Be Friends explores the most traumatic breakup of all: that of childhood besties. At the start of their senior year in high school, James (a girl with a boy’s name) and Kat are inseparable, but by graduation, they’re no longer friends. James prepares to head off to college as she reflects on the dissolution of her friendship with Kat while, in alternating chapters, Kat thinks about being newly in love with her first girlfriend and having a future that feels wide open. Over the course of senior year, Kat wants nothing more than James to continue to be her steady rock, as James worries that everything she believes about love and her future is a lie when her high-school sweetheart parents announce they’re getting a divorce. Funny, honest, and full of heart, We Used to Be Friends tells of the pains of growing up and growing apart.

Dahlia Adler's Synopsis: Relationship breakups may be heavily covered in YA, but friendship breakup stories are still few and far between. Enter the story of James and Kat, two girls who were once beyond close and now watch their friendship unravel as college nears. Things are complicated for both girls: James’s mother has left her and her father for another guy, and she doesn’t know how to talk about it, not even to Kat or her still-too-present ex, Logan. Kat’s discovering that her feelings for her new friend Quinn aren’t strictly “friendly,” and in fact, she’s realizing she’s bisexual and falling head over heels for a girl. It’s a bittersweet story to be sure, and while it definitely has its fun scenes, close moments, painful familial interactions, and tingly romance (what Spalding book doesn’t??), you’ll spend much of the book wishing you could push the characters together and say “Just talk already”…but isn’t that exactly how life goes?

My Opinion: As someone who has been through too many friendship breakups to count, this read is going to be devastating. But I put this book on my list for one reason: the synopsis made it feel so much like life that I couldn't help but feel that the story would pull me into James and Kat's universe and tear my heart into pieces. I absolutely cannot wait to have my heartbroken.

-×-×-×-×-×-×-×-×-×-×-×-×-×-×-×-×-×-×-×-×-×-×-×-×-×-×-×-×-×-×-×-×

The Gravity of Us by Phil Stamper - FEBRUARY 4TH

Goodreads Synopsis: As a successful social media journalist with half a million followers, seventeen-year-old Cal is used to sharing his life online. But when his pilot father is selected for a highly publicized NASA mission to Mars, Cal and his family relocate from Brooklyn to Houston and are thrust into a media circus.

Amidst the chaos, Cal meets sensitive and mysterious Leon, another “Astrokid,” and finds himself falling head over heels—fast. As the frenzy around the mission grows, so does their connection. But when secrets about the program are uncovered, Cal must find a way to reveal the truth without hurting the people who have become most important to him.

Expertly capturing the thrill of first love and the self-doubt all teens feel, debut author Phil Stamper is a new talent to watch.

Dahlia Adler's Synopsis: This is a lovely and bighearted debut chock full of space nerdery, big dreams, new beginnings, and social media scandal. Cal’s life is completely uprooted when his dad shocks them all by being chosen for a space mission, something his family had never taken seriously as a lifelong dream. Worst of all, he’s forbidden from documenting life in the new compound, forcing him to leave his massive social media following behind. On the bright side, there’s Leon, son of another astronaut on the program and immediate thief of Cal’s heart. But when things go awry in the program and secrets are revealed, Cal will have to decide exactly what he’s willing to do to get the truth out there, and who he’s willing to lose.

My Opinion: Social Media? Media circus? Texas? NASA? First loves? And a choice that could implode Cal's life from the inside? The name Cal? Other than Texas, a state which I hate, all of this adds up to something good, hopefully so good that I can forget that Texas is involved at all. So, basically, it has to reach Red, White, and Royal Blue levels, which is the only book so far that has made me like Texas at all. But I trust that it will do well. Plus it was reviewed by 4 of authors on my queer bookshelf - Becky Albertalli, Adam Silvera, Shaun David Hutchinson, and Caleb Roehrig. Bonus points for not being a graphic novel like I feared it was.

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Only Mostly Devastated by Sophie Gonzales -MARCH 3RD

Goodreads Synopsis: Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda meets Clueless, inspired by Grease.

When Ollie meets his dream guy, Will, over summer break, he thinks he’s found his Happily Ever After. But once summer’s ended, Will stops texting him back, and Ollie finds himself one prince short of a fairytale ending. To complicate the fairytale further, a family emergency sees Ollie uprooted and enrolled at a new school across the country—Will’s school—where Ollie finds that the sweet, affectionate and comfortably queer guy he knew from summer isn’t the same one attending Collinswood High. This Will is a class clown, closeted—and, to be honest, a bit of a jerk.

Ollie has no intention of pining after a guy who clearly isn’t ready for a relationship. But as Will starts ‘coincidentally’ popping up in every area of Ollie’s life, from music class to the lunch table, Ollie finds his resolve weakening. The last time he gave Will his heart, Will handed it back to him trampled and battered. Ollie would have to be an idiot to trust him with it again.

Right? Right.

Dahlia Adler's Synopsis: Grease goes gay YA in this rom-com about two boys whose dreamy summer fling comes crashing into a harsh reality when our lead, Oliver, transfers to Will’s school thanks to a family crisis-driven move, only to find out Will isn’t Out and isn’t about to be. As Ollie finds his own ways to settle in, he can’t seem to shake Will’s presence. But whether there’s a future for them remains to be seen. This sophomore novel is warmly delightful and delightfully warm, with some tears on the side for the aforementioned family crisis, and some hard-earned queer solidarity is the icing on the cake.

My Opinion: The last musical-ly queer book I read was What If It's Us? so Ollie and Will have a lot to live up to, but it gets points for getting an Instagram shoutout from Becky Albertalli herself. From the synopses, it sounds like a case of strangers to lovers to strangers to maybe friends to maybe something more and hopefully a happy ending, but what I look forward to the most is rewriting Summer Nights as I read this book.

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Super Adjacent by Crystal Cestari - MARCH 17TH

Goodreads Synopsis: Claire has always wanted to work with superheroes, from collecting Warrior Nation cards as a kid to drafting "What to Say to a Hero" speeches in her diary. Now that she's landed a coveted internship with the Chicago branch of Warrior Nation, Claire is ready to prove she belongs, super or not. But complicating plans is the newest WarNat hero, Girl Power (aka Joy), who happens to be egotistical and self-important ... and pretty adorable.

Bridgette, meanwhile, wants out of WarNat. After years of dating the famous Vaporizer (aka Matt), she's sick of playing second, or third, or five-hundredth fiddle to all the people-in-peril in the city of Chicago. Of course, once Bridgette meets Claire-who's clearly in need of a mentor and wingman-giving up WarNat becomes slightly more complicated. It becomes a lot more complicated when Joy, Matt, and the rest of the heroes go missing, leaving only Claire and Bridgette to save the day.

In this fresh and funny take on the world of supers, author Crystal Cestari spotlights what it's like to be the seemingly non-super half of a dynamic duo with banter-filled romance and bold rescues perfect for readers seeking a great escape.

Dahlia Adler's Synopsis: Claire is a superhero fangirl, a card-carrying member of Warrior Nation. And when she finds an unexpected way (with some unexpected help) into winning an internship with the Chicago WarNat branch, it should be everything she’s ever dreamed of. But that unexpected help is proving very difficult to work with; it’s in the form of Girl Power (aka Joy), the newest hero and a pain in Claire’s butt. A very, very cute pain in Claire’s butt. But distraction or no distraction, Claire’s determined to prove herself, especially when she and Bridgette, a WarNat, who’s tired of being “the girlfriend” to an even more famous hero, decides to mentor her and they end up having to be exactly the heroes Chicago needs.

My Opinion: Two words. Super. Heroes.

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Music From Another World by Robin Talley - MARCH 31ST

Goodreads Synopsis: It’s summer 1977 and closeted lesbian Tammy Larson can’t be herself anywhere. Not at her strict Christian high school, not at her conservative Orange County church and certainly not at home, where her ultrareligious aunt relentlessly organizes antigay political campaigns. Tammy’s only outlet is writing secret letters in her diary to gay civil rights activist Harvey Milk…until she’s matched with a real-life pen pal who changes everything.

Sharon Hawkins bonds with Tammy over punk music and carefully shared secrets, and soon their letters become the one place she can be honest. The rest of her life in San Francisco is full of lies. The kind she tells for others—like helping her gay brother hide the truth from their mom—and the kind she tells herself. But as antigay fervor in America reaches a frightening new pitch, Sharon and Tammy must rely on their long-distance friendship to discover their deeply personal truths, what they’ll stand for…and who they’ll rise against.

Dahlia Adler's Synopsis: Talley is one of queer YA’s most prolific genre jumpers, but she seems to be making herself beautifully at home in historical with this follow-up to 2018’s Pulp, again set amid a context of vital queer American history. This time around, it’s 1977, and Tammy Larson would love more than anything to come out of the closet as a lesbian, but that’s a major no-go where she lives. Her only outlet is to write “letters” to the activist Harvey Milk, at least until she’s matched with a pen pal to whom she can write letters for real. Sharon makes for a much better companion than Tammy’s diary, and she can sympathize, given her brother is gay and feeling all the same misery in the wake of Anita Bryant’s leading to a successful repeal of their protections. Together they’ll find their own brand of activism and learn to fight back against a world of hate.

My Opinion: Ever since reading Annie On My Mind by Nancy Garden, I have been craving more historical sapphic girls. With Pulp in my Kindle library and this in my future shopping cart + Casey McQuiston's time traveling book in 2021, I am bound to get a fix for that craving soon. Hopefully, it will also cure heartbreak.

Loveless by Alice Oseman - APRIL 2ND

Goodreads Synopsis: The fourth novel from the phenomenally talented Alice Oseman – one of the most authentic and talked-about voices in contemporary YA.

Georgia feels loveless – in the romantic sense, anyway. She’s eighteen, never been in a relationship, or even had a crush on a single person in her whole life. She thinks she's an anomaly, people call her weird, and she feels a little broken. But she still adores romance – weddings, fan fiction, and happily ever afters. She knows she’ll find her person one day … right?

After a disastrous summer, Georgia is now at university, hundreds of miles from home. She is more determined than ever to find love – and her annoying roommate, Rooney, is a bit of a love expert, so perhaps she can help.

But maybe Georgia just doesn’t feel that way about guys. Or girls. Or anyone at all. Maybe that's okay. Maybe she can find happiness without falling in love. And maybe Rooney is a little more loveless than she first appears.

LOVELESS is a journey of identity, self-acceptance, and finding out how many different types of love there really are. And that no one is really loveless after all.

Dahlia Adler's Synopsis: Oseman’s crossed the pond before with Radio Silence, so this American’s fingers are crossed she’ll do it again with her newest, about a girl named Georgia who’s struggling with the fact that she’s eighteen and has never had so much as a crush. She’s sick of people thinking she’s broken or weird, and it isn’t like she isn’t into romance; she’s just not into it for herself. When she gets to university, she thinks maybe she can “fix” things with her roommate’s help. But what if it turns out there’s nothing to fix, and Georgia’s great and perfectly capable of happiness just as she is?

My Opinion: Alice Oseman has written a-spec characters before, but it's possible that this seemingly aromantic character will be the one that I'll read first. Not to say Radio Silence wasn't amazing, I just wouldn't know. But I can't wait to find out when I read it after I read this one. And then maybe her other books too.

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Verona Comics by Jennifer Dugan - APRIL 21ST

Goodreads Synopsis: Jubilee has it all together. She’s an elite cellist, and when she’s not working in her stepmom’s indie comic shop, she’s prepping for the biggest audition of her life. Ridley is barely holding it together. His parents own the biggest comic-store chain in the country, and Ridley can’t stop disappointing them–that is, when they’re even paying attention. They meet one fateful night at a comic convention prom, and the two can’t help falling for each other. Too bad their parents are at each other’s throats every chance they get, making a relationship between them nearly impossible . . . unless they manage to keep it a secret. Then again, the feud between their families may be the least of their problems. As Ridley’s anxiety spirals, Jubilee tries to help but finds her focus torn between her fast-approaching audition and their intensifying relationship. What if love can’t conquer all? What if each of them needs more than the other can give?

Dahlia Adler's Synopsis: Dugan debuted with one of my absolute favorite queer YA rom-coms (seriously, if you haven’t yet read Hot Dog Girl, do yourself a favor), so I’m thrilled to see her returning with another one, this one an m/f pairing where both halves of the couple are bi (or, more accurately, one is bi and one is still figuring it out). [Jubilee] is an elite cellist with a major audition coming up and a side job working at her stepmom’s indie comic shop. Ridley works at his parents’ comic shop too, only theirs is a big chain, and no friend to the little guy. Which makes it a little difficult when the two meet at a comic-con prom and immediately hit it off, despite their family feud. I’ll take Romeo & Juliet with a much happier ending and heaps of bisexuality any day, wouldn’t you?

My Opinion: Romeo and Juliet retelling + comic convention prom + bisexuality + indie comic shops = a recipe for me to like a book.

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When You Get the Chance by Tom Ryan and Robin Stevenson-MAY 5TH

Goodreads Synopsis: [Edited] Cousins Mark [from the East coast of Canada] and Talia [from the West coast of Canada] go on a road trip to Pride in Toronto as they search for love and adventure and uncover family secrets along the way.

Dahlia Adler's Synopsis: One of the things I’m often asked to recommend is books that feature mlm and wlw solidarity, and I especially love giving answers that show it not just in characters but in authorship. Here, two Canadian rock stars of queer YA come together with a story about cousins named Mark and Talia who are reunited from their respective Canadian coasts after a death in the family and decide to take a road trip together to Toronto so Talia can see her non-binary partner and Mark can get to Pride. The two don’t have much in common, and they’ll have to let Mark’s little sister tag along, but they both know some kind of magic awaits them in TO, and they can’t wait to get there.

My Opinion: There is too much to love about this book. Canada! WLW or WLNB/MLM solidarity! Canadian road trip! Road trips in general! Canadian Pride! PRIDE IN GENERAL! A nonbinary s/o! TORONTO, CANADA! And family secrets! Plus it gives off You Know Me Well vibes, and that's one of my favorites.

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The Extraordinaries by T.J. Klune - MAY 5TH

Goodreads Synopsis:

Some people are extraordinary. Some are just extra.

Nick Bell? Not extraordinary. But being the most popular fanfiction writer in the Extraordinaries fandom is a superpower, right?

After a chance encounter with Shadow Star, Nova City’s mightiest hero (and Nick’s biggest crush), Nick sets out to make himself extraordinary. And he’ll do it with or without the reluctant help of Seth Gray, Nick’s best friend (and maybe the love of his life).

Dahlia Adler's Synopsis: Klune’s doing double duty this year (or maybe even more? Damn, it’s hard to keep up), following up an adult contemporary fantasy with his first entry into YA, about a boy named Nick who happens to be the Extraordinaries fandom’s most popular fanfic writer, and who aims to be even more extraordinary when he meets the hero he’s been crushing on. (But maybe he’s in love with his best friend, Seth? It’s complicated. It’s always complicated.)

My Opinion: What can I say? I'm a sucker for books about fanfic writers. And for best friends to lovers stories, so hopefully this is one, and not a fan-dates-hero story.

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The Summer of Impossibilities by Rachel Allen - MAY 12TH

Goodreads Synopsis: Skyler, Ellie, Scarlett and Amelia Grace are forced to spend the summer at the lake house where their moms became best friends.

One can’t wait. One would rather gnaw off her own arm than hang out with a bunch of strangers just so their moms can drink too much wine and sing Journey two o’clock in the morning. Two are sisters. Three are currently feuding with their mothers.

One almost sets her crush on fire with a flaming marshmallow. Two steal the boat for a midnight joyride that goes horribly, awkwardly wrong. All of them are hiding something.

One falls in love with a boy she thought she despised. Two fall in love with each other. None of them are the same at the end of the summer.

Dahlia Adler's Synopsis: Allen’s been a personal favorite of mine since her subversive feminist debut, 17 First Kisses, and I’m thrilled to see her releasing her first queer YA, which basically looks like a gay Traveling Pants except not all the girls actually wanna be spending the summer together at the lake house where their moms became besties. Most of them can’t even stand their moms right now. All of them have secrets. And two of them…well, two of them are in love with each other, so one way or another it’s gonna be a hell of a summer.

My Opinion: Look, I'm going to be honest, I saw that it was co.pared to Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and I immediately added it to my list. Plus, strangers to friends to lovers? I love.

Date Me, Bryson Keller! by Kevin van Whye - MAY 19TH

Goodreads Synopsis: What If It's Us meets To All the Boys I've Loved Before in this upbeat and heartfelt boy-meets-boy romance that feels like a modern twist on a '90s rom-com!

Everyone knows about the dare: Each week, Bryson Keller must date someone new--the first person to ask him out on Monday morning. Few think Bryson can do it. He may be the king of Fairvale Academy, but he's never really dated before.

Until a boy asks him out, and everything changes.

Kai Sheridan didn't expect Bryson to say yes. So when Bryson agrees to secretly go out with him, Kai is thrown for a loop. But as the days go by, he discovers there's more to Bryson beneath the surface, and dating him begins to feel less like an act and more like the real thing. Kai knows how the story of a gay boy liking someone straight ends. With his heart on the line, he's awkwardly trying to navigate senior year at school, at home, and in the closet, all while grappling with the fact that this "relationship" will last only five days. After all, Bryson Keller is popular, good-looking, and straight . . . right?

Kevin van Whye delivers an uplifting and poignant coming-out love story that will have readers rooting for these two teens to share their hearts with the world--and with each other.

Dahlia Adler's Synopsis: If this book looks like the cutest, fluffiest, most make-you-melt kind of romance, it’s because it is…at least in the little romantic bubble that ensued when when Kai took advantage of a dare that requires Bryson Keller to agree to date the first person to ask him out every Monday morning for that week. But outside the bubble, the world is still wondering who Bryson Keller’s mystery girlfriend is, the one person not to shout from the rooftops that she’s got the guy. And Kai isn’t gonna be the one to tell them it isn’t a girl at all; his spontaneous request made Bryson the first and only person he’s ever come out to. But when both the answer and Kai himself are forcibly outed, he and the boy he’s come to fall for, the boy who’s only just realized he himself is gay, will have to band together and put their relationship through the ultimate test.

My Opinion: A lot of these books are comparing themselves to Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda, and this one's even comparing itself to To All the Boys I've Loved Before, so it's basically setting me up for disappointment, but I will admit, I am judging this book by it's cover, and that smile is too cute to resist.

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I Kissed Alice by Anna Birch - MAY 26TH

Goodreads Synopsis: For fans of Simon vs. The Homo Sapiens Agenda and Fangirl, I Kissed Alice is a romantic comedy about enemies, lovers, and everything in between.

Rhodes and Iliana couldn't be more different, but that's not why they hate each other. Hyper-gifted artist Rhodes has always excelled at Alabama's Conservatory of the Arts despite a secret bout of creator's block, while transfer student Iliana tries to outshine everyone with her intense, competitive work ethic. Since only one of them can get the coveted Capstone scholarship, the competition between them is fierce.

They both escape the pressure on a fanfic site where they are unknowingly collaborating on a graphic novel. And despite being worst enemies in real life, their anonymous online identities I-Kissed-Alice and Curious-in-Cheshire are starting to like each other...a lot. When the truth comes out, will they destroy each other's future?

Dahlia Adler's Synopsis: Sign me the hell up for literally every enemies-to-lovers f/f rom-com, but especially this one, where the girls who hate each other at Alabama’s Conservatory for the Arts have no idea they’re falling for each other online as they collaborate on a graphic novel for a fanfic site under their online identities. That’s…everything I love in book? Yep, pretty much!

My Opinion: This one is on my list because Alice is basically my favorite sapphic girl name ever after my rewrite of the song, All the Girls Love Alice. Unfortunately, neither girl is named Alice, but it does seem to involve something about Alice in Wonderland. Maybe the graphic novel they're creating is a queer retelling of the classic story? Can't wait to find out.

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Six Angry Girls by Adrienne Kisner - JUNE 2ND

Goodreads Synopsis: A story of mock trial, feminism, and the inherent power found in a pair of knitting needles.

Raina Petree is crushing her senior year, until her boyfriend dumps her, the drama club (basically) dumps her, the college of her dreams slips away, and her arch-nemesis triumphs.

Things aren’t much better for Millie Goodwin. Her father treats her like a servant, and the all-boy Mock Trial team votes her out, even after she spent the last three years helping to build its success.

But then, an advice columnist unexpectedly helps Raina find new purpose in a pair of knitting needles and a politically active local yarn store. This leads to an unlikely meeting in the girls’ bathroom, where Raina inspires Millie to start a rival team. The two join together and recruit four other angry girls to not only take on Mock Trial, but to smash the patriarchy in the process.

Dahlia Adler's Synopsis: Kisner is three for three in putting gloriously queer YA on shelves, and I am in love with the idea of this newest, which takes the famous “Twelve Angry Men” and situates it in Mock Trial with an ace lead. Raina’s killing it at life, until suddenly she isn’t. Millie’s in a similar spot, having just been ousted from the all-male Mock Trial team. When the two pair up to start a rival girls’ team, it isn’t just their opponents they’re gunning for—it’s the whole motherfluffin’ patriarchy.

My Opinion:

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The State of Us by Shaun David Hutchinson - JUNE 2ND

Goodreads Synopsis: The State of Us is the story of Dean and Dre—the 16-year-old sons of the Republican and Democratic candidates for President of the United States—who fall in love on the sidelines of their parents' presidential campaigns.

Dahlia Adler's Synopsis: Tis the year for political YAs, for obvious reasons, and this contemporary romance also does double duty of being a touching demisexual coming out story that happens to take place across the aisle. (The political aisle, that is.) When Dean, the son the of the Republican candidate, and Dre, son of the Democratic candidate, find themselves locked in close quarters, they’re surprised to find that they quite enjoy the company of someone else who knows what it’s like to be in the junior spotlight. Soon, romance sparks, which is a bit of problem considering the whole “opponents” thing, not to mention Dean still trying to figure out how to deal with and discuss the fact that he’s demisexual. But someone out there seems determined to make their problem much, much bigger, and they’ll have to figure out who wants their relationship outed, how they can make it work, and how they can reconcile a future.

My Opinion: While unfortunately this love story has no Prince from England or Wales, this book is definitely in the same genre as Red, White, and Royal Blue, though of course Dean and Dre will be more YA than our favorite international political couple. No matter what, I can tell I'm going to love the angst in this one.

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The Falling in Love Montage by Clara Smyth - JUNE 9TH

Goodreads Synopsis:

Saoirse doesn’t believe in love at first sight or happy endings. If they were real, her mother would still be able to remember her name and not in a care home with early onset dementia. A condition that Saoirse may one day turn out to have inherited.So she’s not looking for a relationship. She doesn’t see the point in igniting any romantic sparks if she’s bound to burn out.

But after a chance encounter at a house party, Saoirse is about to break her own rules. For a girl with one blue freckle, an irresistible sense of mischief, and a passion for rom-coms.

Unbothered by Saoirse’s rulebook, Ruby proposes a loophole: They don’t need true love to have one summer of fun, complete with every cliché, rom-com montage-worthy date they can dream up—and a binding agreement to end their romance come fall. It would be the perfect plan, if they weren’t forgetting one thing about the Falling in Love Montage: when it’s over, the characters actually fall in love… for real.

Dahlia Adler's Synopsis:

Love books that make you laugh, swoon, and cry? Then you are going to fall head over heels for Smyth’s debut, an Ireland-set romantic contemporary about a girl named Saiorse who’s losing her mother to early-onset dementia and is determined never to get involved with anyone as a result…until she meets Ruby, and all bets are off. The girls agree to a no-strings-attached summer of just the good parts of romance, the movie montage where the couple does all sorts of fun things as they fall in love. But when the end of the summer comes, will they be able to let go?

My Opinion: The falling in love montage is my favorite part of love stories and I can't wait to read one set in Ireland! No strings attached? I don't think so Saiorse and Ruby. If they aren't together by the end of the book, I'll be tying the strings myself and writing fanfiction for days. I've only had one relationship that would qualify for a falling in love montage, most likely because I've only been in love once, and that's... ended, so I need something to fill my heart and this book just might be it.

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Check out @lgbtqreads for more recommendations and check out the link at the top of the post for the rest of the list!

#we used to be friends amy spalding #the gravity of us phil stamper #only mostly devastated sophie gonzales #super adjacent crystal cestari #music from another world robin talley #loveless alice oseman #verona comics jennifer dugan #when you get the chance tom ryan & robin stevenson #the extraordinaries tj klune #the summer of impossibilities rachel allen #date me bryson keller! kevin van whye #i kissed alice anna birch #six angry girls adrienne kisner #the state of us shaun david hutchinson #the falling in love montage ciara smyth #2020 reads #lgbtqareads book recs

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shinymoonbird · 5 years ago

Photo

https://www.davidgodman.org/bhagavans-deposition-on-arunachala/

A 1949 view of the path to Skandashram on the eastern slopes of Arunachala. Near the top of the photo is the clump of trees around Skandashram.

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In the late 1930s Bhagavan made a legal deposition on behalf of the Arunachaleswara Temple which was fighting to retain control over a portion of Arunachala. In his submission Bhagavan spoke about his own relationship with the hill and provided evidence of the historical sanctity of the mountain.

☀

Bhagavan’s Deposition on Arunachala - I

Until the 1930s the eastern slope of the mountain of Arunachala was administered by the Arunachaleswara Temple in Tiruvannamalai. Prior to 1934, its right to do so had been accepted by everyone on and around the hill. From time immemorial the temple authorities had maintained the tanks and temples on the mountain, put out any fires that broke out, and arranged for all the forest produce to be sold in an orderly manner. The unquestioned authority that the temple authorities had wielded over this area had arisen because of the local tradition that the hill was Siva Himself manifesting in the form of a lingam. Since the belief was widespread and largely unchallenged, the local people felt that it was natural and correct that the main temple in Tiruvannamalai should administer all affairs pertaining to the hill.

This traditional arrangement was challenged by the Government of India in 1934. In May that year the Government issued a notification in the district gazette which stated that the whole of Arunachala was a reserve forest and was thus the property of the Government of India. The temple authorities challenged the Government’s order in court, maintaining that the temple was the legitimate owner of 1,750 acres on the eastern side of the hill. This area included all the tanks and temples on the slope of the mountain that begins at the back of the Arunachaleswara Temple.

One of the temple trustees approached Bhagavan and requested him to give evidence to the court that would support the Arunachaleswara Temple’s claim to the land. Bhagavan agreed and in 1938 lawyers for the plaintiff and the defendant came to the ashram to hear his evidence and to cross-examine him on it. Bhagavan’s initial evidence took the form of a written deposition. A small part of this deposition was recorded in Talks with Sri Ramana Maharshi, talk no. 492. The full text is given below.

I came to Tiruvannamalai in the year 1896 and lived on the hill from 1899 to 1922. In that year this ashram was started, and since then I have been living here [at Sri Ramanashram]. From the time I first lived on the hill, all the hill areas have been in the possession of the Devasthanam [the Arunachaleswara Temple authorities]. The ashram on the hill where I used to live was started in 1902. The building which is there now was completed in the year 1916. This particular ashram was built with the permission and kindness of the Devasthanam. [The permission was oral, for no written Government order or permission was ever received]. From the year 1899 until a date a few years after I left Skandashram, the front side [the eastern slope] of the hill was never in the possession of the Government.

Having given his views on the ownership of the hill, Bhagavan then cited a few examples of how well the temple authorities had administered the hill during the period when he had been living on it.

[Many years ago] a man called Saraswathy Swami lived on the hill. That Swami advertised that he intended to perform a ceremonial worship of an image of Lord Subramania [on the hill]. The Devasthanam objected and stopped it. In an official notice they said that the hill itself is linga swarupa [God in the form of a lingam] and that to perform worship of another deity on it, and to celebrate a festival there, was against the tradition of the sastras. On another occasion, when my mother attained [samadhi], they raised a precautionary objection that her samadhi should not be on the hill. They feared that we might build her samadhi on the hill itself. On this occasion also their objection was that the hill was Iswara swarupa [God’s own physical form].

In those days the Devasthanam authorities gave out orders that the wood cutters should not cut the trees on the hill. Every year during the time I was on the hill the Devasthanam gave licences to various people to cut the grass and to collect the other forest products. Whenever there was a fire on the hill, it was put out at the expense of the Devasthanam. On one occasion when we happened to cut some of the cacti that were causing an inconvenience to the ashram, and then burned them, the Devasthanam objected, saying that we should not have a fire in that place. All these incidents took place on the eastern slope. This eastern slope has fixed boundaries.

Bhagavan then went on the describe why the hill was sacred and why, in his opinion, the temple authorities should be allowed to administer it.

There is an aitikya [tradition] that this hill is linga swarupa, that is to say, that this hill itself is God. This aitikya is not to be found anywhere else. That is the cause of the glory of this place. The tradition of this place is that this hill is the form of God and that in its real nature it is full of light. Every year the Deepam festival celebrates the real nature of the mountain as light itself. Authority for this is found in the Vedas, the Puranas and in the stotras [poems] of devotees. Because this tradition maintains that this hill is Siva swarupa, the practice of giri pradakshina, walking clockwise around the mountain as an act of reverence or worship, has arisen. I also have faith in giri pradakshina and have had experience of it.

There is no sastra to separate the hill from the temple. The inseparability of the hill and the temple can be observed during Kartikai Deepam when the festival [of kindling the light] is conducted simultaneously in the temple and on the summit of the hill. Further proof of the tradition that the hill is the form of God can be found in the bi-annual festivals in which the image of Arunachaleswara in the temple performs pradakshina of the hill.

In the account in Talks with Sri Ramana Maharshi Bhagavan is reported to have also said:

‘Siva always remains in three forms: 1) as parabrahman; 2) as linga (here as the hill); and 3) as siddha.’

The third category refers to Siva in the form of Arunagiri Yogi whom Bhagavan said resides on the north slope of the hill. Although this quotation summarises views that Bhagavan had expressed on other occasions, there is no record of this remark in the court transcript.

The bare eastern slope of Arunachala around 1980. The trees midway up the photo on the left are the ones at Skandashram. The gopuram in the centre, near the bottom of the photo, is the entrance to Guhai Namasivaya Temple.

Bhagavan continued:

In accordance with the tradition that the hill is Iswara swarupa, the Devasthanam performs abhishekam to the top of the hill in the same way that it would do to a lingam. For the last ten to twelve years the cauldron that contains the Deepam light on the top of the hill is carried to the summit every year during the festival. Prior to this, for many, many years, the cauldron was left there throughout the year.

I am a devotee of Arunachaleswara. I have composed a poem in Tamil which says that the Arunachala hill is Iswara swarupa.

The Government’s lawyer objected to Bhagavan introducing this poem as evidence, but the objection was overruled. It seems that no one recorded the original Tamil verse. It now only exists in the following English translation:

Lord Arunachala appeared out of the hill and at the request of Brahma and Vishnu merged back in the hill. Simultaneously he manifested as the lingam at the bottom of the hill. The hill continues to represent the Lord.

A similar idea, which may be derived from this verse, can be found in the account in Talks with Sri Ramana Maharshi:

‘Siva originally appeared as a column of light. On being prayed to, the light disappeared into the hill and manifested as [a] lingam. Both are Siva.’

After Bhagavan had submitted his verse, the case was adjourned for five days. On its resumption, Bhagavan added a few extra comments on the traditions and mythology of the hill.

Even after this [the time when Siva appeared to Brahma and Vishnu in the form of Light] Ishan [Iswara] appeared to Devi in the form of Light before disappearing graciously into the form of the hill.

There are many ancient tirthams [sacred tanks] that exist on the hill. Among them the Mulaipal Tirtham and the Pada Tirtham, are important. There is a tradition that these tirthams were created by Siva and Parvati for the sake of Guhai Namasivaya.

The Government’s lawyer then began his cross-examination of Bhagavan, questioning him in detail on some of the statements he had made. Only Bhagavan’s answers are recorded in the court transcript. I have separated the text into paragraphs in such a way that I hope each paragraph constitutes a different answer. I leave the reader to infer what the questions might have been.

I lived in Virupaksha Cave for sixteen years. I lived in Skandashram for six years. I have stayed at this place [Sri Ramanashram] since 1922.

I constructed a building at Virupaksha Cave. No written permission was obtained from anyone for the construction of the building.

Skandashram was started in 1902. The building was completed in the year 1916. Even after that date some construction work was carried on.

At first it [Skandashram] began as a tirtham. Later it developed into a place of residence. Before Skandashram came into existence, moisture was found in another location nearby. Its source was in a rock that was twenty yards away. This tirtham is now located between Skandashram and Virupaksha Cave. It was only later that the Skandashram tirtham came into being.

Because it [Skandashram] was built by a person called Kandan who lived in the ashram, by his own hands, it became known as Skandashram. That tirtham [I just spoke about] is attached to that ashram.

No order was received from anyone for building this ashram [Skandashram]. Because I was staying there, no one objected. On the contrary, they approved of it.

During the time I lived on the hill, no written order was ever obtained from anyone to make living facilities. Nor was any order obtained when repairs were carried out in some of these places.

They were not done on my authority; others did them as their own work. I did not tell them to build, nor did I prevent them. In this manner Skandashram, Virupaksha Cave and Sri Ramanasramam came into being. The other ashrams on the hill also came into existence in this way. No written orders were received for their construction.

I knew about the notice issued to Saraswathy Swami by the Devasthanam. But I do not remember the year in which it happened. I heard that the notice had been given.

During the period I was on the hill, a vel [spear] and a statue were in the temple [of Subramania]. They [the Devasthanam] did not object to the statue being kept in that place; their objection was to popularising it through public celebrations.

There are places to stay both at Virupaksha Cave and Guhai Namasivaya Temple. It is not known whether they contain the samadhis [of the two saints who founded them]. In Guhai Namasivaya there is a lingam. In Virupaksha Cave there is an altar. In Guhai Namasivaya puja and abhishekam are done to the lingam. At the altar in Virupaksha Cave, only puja is done. It is the popular belief that both of these places are samadhis.

The time when Virupaksha Deva and Guhai Namasivaya attained samadhi may be around 300 or 400 years ago. I do not know when the buildings were first started in those places.

It is stated in the Upanishads and in the Skanda, Linga and Siva Puranas that this hill is Iswara swarupa.

I cannot say without referring to the books in which Upanishad and in which place it is stated so.

There was a jadai swami [a swami with long matted locks] who used to live on the hill. He died there. His body was brought down to the foot of the hill and interred. The same thing happened to Palaniswami. A samadhi cannot be made on the hill for anyone who dies there. They can only be burned after bringing them to the foot of the hill. Once a person died near Seven Springs [two thirds of the way up the mountain]. His samadhi was also made at the foot of the hill.

Jadai Swami attained samadhi about four of five years ago. The others attained samadhi after 1901 and before 1920.

I had no thought of having my mother’s samadhi on the hill. I did not tell anyone that the samadhi should be made on the hill.

I have omitted several of Bhagavan’s answers. Some of them merely repeat what he said earlier while others pertain not to Arunachala but to rather mundane matters of ashram administration.

~ David Godman

☀ ☀ ☀ Continues in “Bhagavan’s Deposition on Arunachala - II”

The path from Skandashram to Ramanasramam before it was reforested in the 1990s.

☀

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galivantingg · 5 years ago

Text

Alpha and Beta

Old Friends

It was the beginning of a new school year. The weather was still warm out, so the school field was filled with groups of kids lounging around during lunch and after school ended. Sometimes even before. With the new school year came the much loved atmosphere of stress, the smell of energy drinks and coffee, and of course, exhaustion. Alex and Cal witnessed the high school student slowly descend into madness. The lights in the communal spaces of the pack house stayed on throughout the months, albeit dimmed, but still on, so students could work late into the night on certain projects that they didn't get to during the afternoon.

Alex and Cal were seniors now, turning eighteen on the first of July and January respectively. Alex was excited, because he had been waiting for his mate for as long as Cal could remember. Cal, on the other hand, was dreading this, because it meant he would be able to find his mate. He still did not want to meet his mate. He had witnessed not only his parents but also Alex's parents do horrible things because of the mate bond, and he wanted nothing to do with it. He would not allow something he had no control over make him abandon everything he stands for. He would choose his own path, he would choose his own mate, not now, but much later in his life, when he knows who he is.

Another reason he was dreading this season was not only because of the start of his senior year, but also because of the Mate Hunt.

It was an arbitrary thing, old fashioned and out dated. Sure they had modernized it a little, but Cal still didn't like the whole idea of it. The Mate Hunt used to be a gathering where all the unmated young women of each pack would travel around to neighbouring packs and participate in a sort of 'hunt' for their mate. Originally, it would only be the girls of age, and they would literally be hunted down. Now it's a little different. Everyone of age or near age participates, and they travel around to different packs to find their mates. If someone thinks they've found their mate, but has to wait for their birthday, they stay there with that person and their pack until their birthday rolls around. Then, if they aren't mates, the person catches up with their pack. Cal and Alex were technically exempt from this, since they are the Alpha and Beta of their pack they will not travel, but they will have to participate in every other sense. They needed to find their mates, since wolves who are mateless for too long after their birthday go insane, but Cal still didn't like it.

Not to mention what a headache it was to house and feed on average twenty more teenagers. Plus they were always so moody. Cal felt old. He was sitting in his office, what used to be his parents room, staring out the window facing the Lawn. It had taken him a long time, but he had finally mustered up the courage to flip this room, along with the rest of the bedrooms. Iphigenia had his old room to herself, the twins shared a room in the basement, Asclepius and Nestor shared the spare room upstairs, and Cal was in the smaller room upstairs. It wasn't a big house, the bedrooms were quite small and he heard complaints from his brothers all the time, but they managed. Not to mention that Alex was here almost every night too, sharing Cal's bed. Honestly, it kinda bugged Cal. At least Alex helped get the kids ready and cleaned the house too.

Cal understood why Alex stayed with him most nights. Alex was scared that Cal was going to leave him, like his parents. Cal was never going to leave him, Alex knew too much about him.

He heard a soft knock on the door. "Come in," he spoke softly, his voice a little rusty from disuse. He glanced at the clock, not realizing how long he had been there for. The door creaked open and in came little Iphigenia. She was six now, but acted like she was eight. She took care of them all, not by cooking or doing laundry, but by checking in one them. She made sure they were all still mentally stable, which was really confusing cause she was six. How did she even learn how to do that? She walked up to him steadily, asking him to be lifted up by lifting up her arms. He grabbed her gently and Set her down on his knee, pointing out the window.

"That's where I'll be in," he checks the time again, "shoot, right now. Okay Nia you're coming with me to meet Alpha Jacobson and the teenagers here for the mate hunt. Sound good?" She nodded, sticking her thumb in her mouth. In her hand was the stuffed animal bunny Cal had kept close to himself as a kid. He thought about it for a second, thinking of his first best friend, Daisy Duke, and how she had given him that rabbit when they were so little, before he had left. She had a matching one. His bunny was wearing purple tartan, with a yellow boy around its neck, from Daisy's bunny. Her's is wearing yellow tartan. Well, it was. He didn't know if she still had it after all these years. He had left when they were five, and now he's seventeen. He barely remembered her, he doubts she remembers him either.

Nia put her hand on his cheek, snapping Cal out of his thoughts. He stood quickly, walking out the room and down the hall towards the front door. As he did, he heard the cars pull up just in front of the Lawn in the parking lot. "Shoot shoot shoot," he censored himself, knowing that Iphigenia would repeat anything he said. He hastened across the grass towards the front stoop on the pack house where Alex was standing.

"You're late," Alex gritted out underneath his breath, knowing full well that Alpha Jacobson could most likely hear them. Cal was out of breath.

"Sorry," he panted, "got lost in the paperwork and then Nia came in to remind me it was time."

Alex's voice changed as he reached over and gently took Nia out of Cal's arms. "Cal should have been keeping a closer eye on the time, hey Sunny?" She nodded and smiled. Betrayed by his own sister, Cal would never get over this. He grinned at them, and they all jumped when they heard a cough from in front of them. Alpha Jacobson and his teenagers were standing in front of the cars, staring at them. Cal's ears burned.

Alex's face went stoney. "Welcome Alpha Jacobson and the teenagers of the Velvel Pack. I am Alpha Alex Edwards and this is my Beta, Calchas Edmonds." Cal scowled at his full name, Alex would be hearing about that later. Instead of calling him out now, like he very much wanted to, he instead put on a smile.

"Please," he interrupted Alex. Oh boy he was gonna hear about that later. "Call me Cal." He looked over at Alex, urging him to keep going. Surprisingly Alex didn't look pissed.

"Thank you for coming," Alex continued, looking out at the teenagers. "We understand that you are primarily here to find your mates, but you are also staying long enough that you would be missing school. We have taken the liberty of enrolling you all for the three week period that you are all here, and all of our resources for everything from school to personal lives are at your disposal. Please come see either me or Beta Cal if you have any questions."

"Thank you Alpha Edwards for your warm welcome," Alpha Jacobson smiled. Alex smiled back, and that was the first time Cal had seen him show much expression since they had realized the other pack was here. Alex handed Iphigenia off to Cal, and Alpha Jacobson lead his pack forward to be toured through the pack house. Cal was going to be bringing up the rear, so no one got lost or left behind.

Cal watched as the teens filed past him, some stretching their arms up and others yawning from the long drive. The Velvel Pack was about a seven hour drive from them, and Cal's pack was the closest to them. They had many more hours to travel on their trip, but the drives would be shorter from now on. There were two girls at the end of the line, chatting animatedly. Something about one of them seemed so familiar, but Cal couldn't quite put his finger on why. She breezed past him, glancing at him and Iphigenia, then froze and looked back.

"That bunny," she stammered. "I have one exactly like it!" The two connected eyes and suddenly everything fell into place. Those eyes, the familiarity. Everything makes sense now.

"Daisy?" Cal murmured. She frowned.

"How do you know my name?"

"It's me," Cal said softly. The second girl kept looking between the two of them then walked a little bit away, giving them some space.

Finally, she smelled him. Her eyes widened. "Cal?!" He nodded. Her face broke out into the same smile he knew so well from his childhood. "Oh my god Cal! It's been so long, where have you been?"

He shrugged, inexplicably happy all of a sudden. "My parents brought us here. Where have you been?" Her eyes clouded over, and he had a chilling sense of foreboding. Something had happened at their old pack, something bad. "Ah, never mind," he waved it off and watched as relief pooled in her face. "It doesn't matter now. What matters is that we found each other again, and this time I will not let let go." They stood there smiling at each other, not noticing that Alex was staring at them from inside the house while talking about the history of the pack house. His eyes were clouded, but he hid his pain well. All he could see was his best friend hitting it off very well with a very pretty girl. But the other girl noticed.

"Come on," Cal said suddenly feeling like he was doing something wrong. "Let's catch up with the others." They turned and caught up with the other girl Daisy had been walking with, and she introduced herself as Elizabeth Chen.

They were walking behind the group silently, when Elizabeth spoke up. "So," she said awkwardly. Cal looked over at her. She wouldn't meet his eyes. "What's the situation with you and the Alpha?" She still wouldn't look at him.

"Alex is my second oldest friend, we've been inseparable since a little after I got to this pack. Why?" He was a little confused. Where was this coming from?

Elizabeth looked up at him in surprise. "Oh! It's just I saw the way you two handled the little one you're holding, and I was wondering if you two were together and had adopted her."

Cal burst out laughing. He didn't know why he found it so funny, maybe he was covering for some other emotion, but he laughed nonetheless. "Alex and I? Nah, this is my little sister. We raised her together, along with all my other brothers."

"Other brothers?" Daisy questioned. Last time she had seen the Edmonds family, Tia had been very pregnant.

"Yeah, Tia had twins, then proceeded to have two more sons, then little Iphigenia." Cal tickled his little sister on the stomach and she giggled, shoving his hands away lightly. She was by far the easiest of all of them, even Remus. She was just so happy, so warm. Cal didn't notice the shadow that had crossed Daisy's face at his use of his mother's first name.

"What are your brother's names? Do they know about me? How old are they? What are the like? How are your parents?" Daisy shot off, hitting Cal with question after question. He smiled and laughed lightly, not able to hide the pain behind his eyes white fast enough.

"Tia passed, and Henry is god know's where. But I'll introduce you to my brothers, they have heard about you. My first best friend. They refuse to believe I had a best friend before Alex though, so we might have to tell some embarrassing stories to prove it." Cal and Daisy grinned at each other, and Elizabeth was suddenly hit with a feeling of not belonging. She and Daisy had been best friends since Daisy had joined her pack, but she was different with Cal. Lighter. Elizabeth was jealous for a second, before shaking that thought. She had no reason to be jealous. She had a different relationship with Daisy, and that was fine.

Elizabeth slipped away unnoticed, heading to the front of the tour, silently joining Alpha Alex. He didn't notice her at first, but when she coughed lightly he jumped and turned his head to look at her. "Well hello there, you are terrifying," Alex said. He took in her face, she was pretty, short hair and bright brown eyes, lovely skin. She smiled, revealing straight white teeth. How could one girl be this pretty?

"Hi," she said, sticking out her hand for him to shake. "I'm Elizabeth."

After a pause he took her hand and shook it firmly. "Hi Elizabeth, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you."

Alex glanced back and saw Cal still hitting it off with that girl, then he noticed Elizabeth studying him.

"They come from the same pack," Elizabeth explained. Alex nodded. It still hurt seeing him so close with someone else. He started to panic, but felt something grab his hand. He looked down to see another hand, which led to Elizabeth. She smiled tentatively. "Maybe we can help each other?" He smiled too, and squeezed her hand once.

And just like that, a new friendship was born.

#alpha and beta #chapter who gives a fuck #part whatever #em writes #werewolf #werewolves #wip #new wip #story #book #novel #original idea #original wip #original #moodboard

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