#by referring to himself as a monster and openly wishing to be human again

[perdamian]

thinking about how gerard said that during the siege he went to hide with the children which was seen as a cowardly thing to do but upon seeing him interact with ylfa/pinocchio/miss muffet i have to wonder if he comforted the children in his kingdom as he did with those in his party.

i think that (especially with the fighter class) gerard is often seen as weak and afraid due to his reluctance to get involved with war but we have to acknowledge that his own childhood was spent in complete misery. he truly never had the opportunity to grow up due to his being turned into a frog and then immediate thrust into princehood, but in seeing him comfort the children he’s with shows that his true strength comes from his compassion and desire to prevent other kids from having the same experience that he did at their age

[dotthings]

So let’s talk about Cas’s issues, and how they hit that nerve of Dean’s insecurities. 

I feel like Dean’s personal issues get discussed a lot (by myself included), both from a Dean-positive take and from the pressure placed on this character in a more negative way. There’s a lot of expectation placed on Dean as a character and ironically enough, in that process I feel like even Cas fans don’t do enough digging into what makes Cas tick, what his weak points are, his fears, his cyclical dysfunctional hang-ups. Cas is a layered, complicated, well-developed character with a now 12 season history on the show, as a main character, even if he is less prominent than Sam and Dean, and as such this means there are flaws as well as goodness in him. It does Cas a disservice to paint him as never wrong, as never causing hurt to those he loves. I’m not speaking as a Dean fan here, but as a Cas fan, this just isn’t about fairness to Dean, I feel there is an actual imbalance in how these discussions tend to go and it’s kind of a habitual tendency in the fandom. In part fueled by the fact that Dean is so open with his feelings, shows that he feels things SO hard and so deeply, that’s the character, and that kind of makes Dean a lightning rod to talk about Dean feelings, good or bad.

Canonically, Cas tends to get less pov due to structure, when Cas isn’t in every ep of a season and where SPN structurally puts Sam and Dean as the center spokes of the wheel, no matter how near the center Cas is of that show wheel. Cas has become another core pillar--Dabb referred to Cas along with Dean as a “core character” in his pre 15.09 interview. But because logistically, Dean still carries more pov on the show, we get more looks into Dean’s mind than into Cas’s. Which isn’t as great for Dean fans as you might think because by SPN not giving more Cas pov, it’s putting more and more of the responsibility for making the profound bond work onto Dean and Dean’s pov. While Cas has contributed plenty to this rift that developed.

There’s also the thing about the fandom default perception is that Dean is repressed emotionally. Which, sure, in many respects, yeah. But not in the way it’s popularized in fandom. Dean is actually the more facile, open, raw, vulnerable in expression of his emotions, with big outbursts, of hurt/anger or softness. He goes big. He expresses. He cries easily. He doesn’t exactly hide. He wears his heart on his sleeve. But because Dean is also a character who constructed facades to survive, he puts on facades and one facade is "no chick flick moments.” A facade I’ve pointed out again and again he’s terrible at maintaining, nonetheless it is real and he can be gruff and he does at times try to hide from his own feelings, and avoid, and struggles not to say stuff and then it gets out anyway. But he’s also very openly emotional.

While Cas is actually far more locked up emotionally as a character. Far more repressed than Dean. Look at his background. Millennia as an angel. Shoved back through the angel reprogramming machine every time he displayed an independent thought. Angels have emotions. They are not unfeeling. But they are taught emotions are weaknesses. They are a taint. They are dangerous. A lot of Cas’s arcing over the past 11 years has been about learning what emotions are and how to manage them. Even if we remove that factor, Cas also has a personality of his own, as a character, and is a survivor of trauma and abuse, as Dean is. Cas, like Dean, carries a lot of anger.

Cas is impulsive. Sometimes heedless. Ironically, he often pulls Dean back from heedlessness. But he has that tendency and Cas’s heedlessness tends to result in cosmic level events (leviathans unleashed, angels falling). He has a temper. He will end you if you hurt those he loves. Cas in the past has shown a hubris about how he has to fix all the things because these frail humans he loves can’t, Dean’s “just a man,” and while Cas definitely outgrew that, there are remnants still there. Which isn’t JUST hubris. Cas, being an abuse and torture survivor, being a survivor of emotional neglect, similarly to Dean, also has, similarly to Dean, this thing about needing a mission, a purpose. He needs to be needed. And if he isn’t serving a purpose, if he feels he isn’t being useful, then he feels worthless. The Dean corollary to that is Dean’s lack of self worth in what his father instilled in him--that he has no purpose, no mission, outside of protect Sam, and the hunt.

This need for purpose and Cas’s insecurities powered a lot of his arc with Jack. Cas’s relationship with Dean evolved over time. They didn’t stay just the same. In some ways the bond equalized in good ways, but as part of that, Cas was no longer the “Winchesters’ guardian” of early Cas seasons. That role gave Cas purpose. As Cas drew deeper and deeper into the family, as his character developed and he increasingly got his own arcs, which are all good things, that also meant Cas wondered what his purpose is.

Protecting Jack gave him purpose. A mission. Someone to look after. His relationship with Dean isn’t that. That hit a height with “draped yourself in the flag of Heaven” at the end of S9. By S11 the focus shifted to Dean’s drive to save Cas. Dean and Cas’s relationship is that of peers, fellow soldiers, friends, and yes, on a coded level that’s been harder and harder to ignore in later seasons, lovers/husbands. 

Cas devoting himself all to Dean wasn’t sustainable. Just as Dean couldn’t perpetually be all about Sam, but while Dean and Cas are more peers/husbands role, Dean is Sam’s stand-in parent. Dean was parentified at the age of four. Sam as recently in 15.09 says Dean raised him. Sam knows his actual father figure is Dean, not Bobby, not John. There’s a whole lot about Sam and Dean’s relationship that made a lot more sense to me once I kept that in mind, that symbolically they were parent/child not just siblings/hunting partners. (Their codependency added another complication into the mix) That is not the relationship Dean and Cas have ever had. They are protective of each other. But it’s not a pseudo parent-child relationship. Nor are they codependent. But Dean always had a Sam, while Cas...did not have a Sam. Dean wasn’t his Sam, once he found a Dean. Dean was something else entirely. Not less, but different.

Enter Jack and while I was resistant to that arc initially, in the long game I can see multiple overarching purposes for the story. One of them is Cas’s character development. While the Cas and Jack bond isn’t just like Sam and Dean’s, and I’m not suggesting it is, it has that similar pseudo parent-child aspect. Jack is all of Team Free Will’s kid, but I think the way Jack impacted Cas’s arc made the most seismic shifts. 

The thing about this S15 rift with Dean and Cas is that it’s not really about Dean’s existential crisis about “realness.” It’s not actual about Mary or Jack or that freakin’ snake. Well, it is...I’m not suggesting Dean had no valid reason to be hurt and upset with Cas. That is real. But this was ramped up as a culmination of years of issues. It mashed Dean’s buttons so hard because these are reflective of cyclical behaviors that come from Cas and it hurts Dean every time. Underlying all that, maybe subtextually, Dean’s doubts about realness played into it here as well. But the doubts, fears, insecurities, and hurts Dean feels about Cas are there regardless. Chuck applied pressure points to hasten the rift. To rip them apart because that serves his purpose but all he did was play on their actual insecurities and feelings and then watch them dance to his tune. 

One of Dean and Cas’s issues has been things that have been there a long time, in the relationship, where Dean’s chronic issues play on Cas’s insecurities and Cas’s chronic issues play on Dean’s insecurities. There’s a bunch I could reel off. Dean’s abandonment issues vs. Cas’s tendency to keep things from Dean, not turn to Dean, not trust Dean, for one. This is something Cas has done for years, long before Jack, and it hurt Dean then and it hurt Dean now. Just for example.

I feel like what happened late S14/early S15 is that all these long running issues they never addressed came crashing down on the bond at once. 

The things that are Cas’s issues, Cas hasn’t talked much about. Cas doesn’t talk about his innermost emotional landscape the way Dean does. Sometimes he does speak his feelings, but I wish he’d do it more often. 

The things Cas has done in the past that hit on Dean’s abandonment issues all got ramped up with Jack. And it happened more than once. Why is Dean so hurt. Look at how he responds to Cas keeping things from him, or to losing Cas, or to Cas not reaching out to Dean, trusting Dean enough to go to him in the past. How hard that has been on Dean. Take your pick of plots. Cas teaming up with Crowley. Cas and the monster souls. Cas running off with the angel tablet. 

With Jack there was a string of events. It wasn’t just the one thing. This isn’t my condemnation of Cas or because I don’t get Cas’s motivations and good intentions. Or about Cas being right/wrong. Right or wrong, his actions still hurt Dean. Being a parent added such a completely new layer into Team Free Will bonds, the TFW familial unit shifted. Change can be hard on a relationship anyway.

Quick recap of the sequence of events with Cas and Jack: it was Cas slipping away from Dean as Cas devoted himself to a nephilim in embryo. When Cas bonded with Jack’s grace in the womb. When Dean said he didn’t recognize Cas. There was Cas’s belief in the vision Jack showed him. It was Kelly giving Cas a mission to protect her son. Cas, like Dean, feels a strong sense of duty. Remember Dean’s S2 speech when Sam died? How Dean expressed the depth of his sense of failure? “I had one job, to keep you safe.” And by the end of S14, Cas lost Jack. He had one job. To keep Jack safe.

Cas pretty much thinks he’s worthless without that, same as Dean.

So there’s Cas, taken by Kelly after Dean was begging him--begging him--to return to the bunker with them so they could talk. While Kelly effectively prevented Cas from taking the action he might have done of his own volition since she drove off in the Impala with Cas still inside it and he couldn’t stop the car without hurting her and her unborn child, the element of choice there is murky. But Cas did choose to protect Jack. He did choose to knock out Sam and Dean at the playground. There’s Dean, as he has in prior seasons, seeing Cas walking away again. 

Then it happens again. Cas heedlessly goes after Lucifer, when he should have waited, Cas was so focused on his Jack mission, and as a result, Lucifer stabs Cas dead, right in front of Dean’s eyes. So Dean loses Cas again, and audience gets to see Dean is utterly devastated (but Cas doesn’t). 

But then Dean gets Cas back! His big win...which Dean confesses to Sam but again, Cas doesn’t get to hear it. And then right after getting Cas back, Cas is running off again, due to Jack. Dean begs Cas--BEGS HIM--let me come along, you need backup and Cas says no. Because Cas has to fix all the things himself. So Cas gets kidnapped and locked in an angel proof cell. Dean doesn’t even know he’s lost Cas this time due to voice mimicky plot, but there it is again, Dean loses Cas, again for Jack. Then Cas keeps that detail about Felix the snake from Dean, which wasn’t right for Cas to do, to be so secretive. Whatever his intentions, no that wasn’t right, and it goes right back to Cas’s tendencies shown in earlier seasons. To fix the thing himself. Anael calls Cas on it, even. His fears. Which leads to Cas finally going to Sam and Dean with the information. Cas apologizes and confesses, explains in a rare moment of us actually getting to see inside Cas’s emotional landscape that he was scared what Jack losing his soul would do to tear this TFW family apart. What Cas would lose because of that. A hella lot of that is about Dean, not just TFW or Jack. 

None of this has ever been Cas not caring about Dean. Cas was there for Dean in S14. He fought to save Dean, first from Michael, then the Ma’lek box. But Dean and Cas don’t exist in a profound bond bubble.

Dean doesn’t even know yet that Cas sold himself to The Empty to save Jack midway through S14. Should we start screaming now?

So after Cas’s confession and apology late in S14 about what Jack did to the snake that Cas didn’t clue in Sam and Dean about, Mary is dead, because of soulless Jack, and all hell breaks loose with Jack, and Dean believes the only way out of this with soulless Jack is to kill soulless Jack. Cas doesn’t agree. Dean delivers an ultimatum, my way or the highway and who cares what you think (bad move, Dean). So to save Jack and Dean, because if Dean shot Jack with Chuck’s gun, it would kill Dean too, Cas runs off to get to Jack first. 

From Dean’s perspective he’s seing Cas’s back again, leaving him again. Losing Cas again.

Think about how this steps on the same nerves as Cas’s vanishing acts in earlier seasons, or Cas walking into the lake, or Cas staying behind in Purgatory when Dean did everything he could to save him. Think about Dean’s abandonment issues. Think about how Dean’s abandonment issues and this repeat cycle of Cas’s inherent tendency to not get that he should loop his family into things, that he can’t fix it all on his own, of leaving, even if he always comes back. And no we can’t blame Cas for the times he left when he didn’t want to, when something happened to Cas, but when he vanished into the lake in 7.01, when he insisted on staying behind in Purgatory in S8, when he heedlessly went pell mell after Lucifer--Dean losing Cas was a direct result of Cas’s choices. Where Cas put himself into a position where Dean lost him. 

This has happened again...and again. Imagine the heart-crushing heartbreaking panic for Dean during their Purgatory revisit when Cas disappeared. It’s Dean having to relive his Cas trauma. Because guess what, Dean loves Cas a lot. I don’t know how this even became in question in fandom, it continues to utterly baffle me. 

So it’s not really about Jack though. I’m not blaming the Jack storyline for this. What happened was the Jack storyline brought those issues to a boiling point. Cas’s insecurities and drive to have a mission. Dean’s abandonment issues clashing with Cas’s running off again. Repeatedly. 

What’s going to happen when Dean finds out about The Empty deal, and not just the deal itself but the fact Cas kept that, too, from him. I don’t think it will be rage this time. Not after 15.09. It will however, I suspect, be utterly devastating for Dean...maybe this time he won’t snap at Cas, he’ll just say how devastating it is, before he and Sam get to work on a solution. And Cas will have to witness how devastating it is. Cas hearing Dean’s prayer in 15.09 is such a big deal and I really really hope this hit Cas hard and woke him up to some things. Because with all of Cas’s particular insecurities, despite the fact that Dean has repeatedly shown Cas directly how much he matters, there’s also been plenty audience gets to see (Cas is family/Dean’s grief arc/Cas is a big win) that Cas hasn’t. Cas hearing Dean’s prayer here I think will change things. Cas won’t be the same. Dean won’t be the same. The bond won’t be the same. In a good way. 

15.09 didn’t feel like resolution to me, and I’m glad Dabb confirmed that in his pre ep interview. It felt like ice melting, barriers crumbling. That’s good. It’s a start. That will help them with what’s next. But they have so much to work through still. Because their problems aren’t just from recent plot events, or Chuck. These tap into some fundamental things about them each that affects their bond. I’ve been saying this since before the end of S14, this isn’t hear to destroy their bond, it’s to level it up. It’s to deepen it, to fix what’s been amiss at the root and realize it into something even more powerful.

I need Cas to speak, not just Dean. Not just for my ship but for the character, I need more looks into Cas’s inner emotional landscape and how he feels about his own insecurities and I’d love to see an equally big confession about his Dean feelings.

[aspoonofsugar]

Viren and His Children: A Game of Mirrors

This picture shows the relationships between Viren and his two kids pretty nicely. On one hand there is Claudia using magic and Viren tenderly watching her. On the other hand there is Soren, who is not in his father’s lap, looking up at his sister and grabbing his father’s clothes to attract the man’s attention.

Viren treats both Soren and Claudia as extensions of himself, but he does so in different ways. There are two consequences to this. On one hand Soren and Claudia have developed different problems in relation to their parent. On the other hand they represent different sides of Viren himself.

This meta will try to show this and to show how Soren, Claudia and Viren all explore similar themes in different ways.

As a side note, when it comes to Soren and Viren, this meta by @mystic-deep has thoughts very similar to mine and it is a good read!

VIREN AND SOREN: THE TRUTH IN THE MIRROR

At the root of Viren’s character there is this:

Here, Viren is talking about the magic mirror, but he is symbolically referring to himself. He wants to have power and to feel special. In other words, Viren’s thirst for power (aka his main flaw) is born by him deep down feeling worthless.

Viren projects this sense of worthlessness on both his children, so that they feel they have to gain their worth. After all, it is not by chance that by the age of respectively sixteen and eighteen Claudia and Soren are already accomplished enough to become the Archmage’s assistant and a Crownguard:

This becomes especially evident when you compare them with Ezran and Callum who, despite being princes, are not asked to do anything special with their lives. They are simply loved:

It is interesting that Viren and Soren say basically the same thing, respectively at the beginning and at the end of the first part of the series. However, they give the same concept opposite spins. As a matter of fact Viren presents the way Harrow brought Callum up as negative, while Soren presents it as positive. This is not by chance because Soren has inherited many of his father’s issues, but, differently from him, has managed to move past them by the end of season three.

This leads us to the main point of this section aka how Soren and Viren are similar and in what they differ.

First of all, both of them have sworn to protect the king since Viren is Harrow’s most trusted advisor, while Soren is a Crownguard. They both define themselves through their role and have pride in the abilities which let them reach their position. To be more specific, Viren is proud of his talent in dark magic and of his intelligence. Soren is instead proud of his physical prowess. In short, they share the same wish (proving their worth), but try to realize it in different ways (magical prowess vs physical prowess).

Viren and Soren are both ultimately examples of toxic masculinity, which can be defined as it follows:

-Suppressing emotions or masking distress

-Maintaining an appearance of hardness

-Violence as an indicator of power (think: “tough-guy” behavior)

(From the article I linked above, which @hamliet suggested to me).

These kinds of behaviours are very easy to spot when it comes to Soren:

However, the story makes clear that Soren has developed them because of his father’s education:

Toxic masculinity is at the root of the order Viren gives Soren. As a matter of fact he is asking his son to kill his childhood friends for some kind of greater good. Soren is asked to sacrifice his bonds and his feelings to impress his father. What is more, this sacrifice is presented as a way to prove his strength.

In other words, Soren tries to act as he thinks his father would want him to. This detrimental behaviour reaches its climax when Soren tries to kill Pyrrah. Let’s highlight that the episode Fire and Fury comes after The Heart of a Titan:

The Heart of a Titan

Fire and Fury

Both Viren and Soren’s fights against a dragon are masked as selfless attempts to help others. On one hand Viren goes back to try and help the Queens of Duren. On the other hand Soren claims that he wants to help the people of the city. However, both men are motivated by the need of proving themselves. Once again this is pretty evident when it comes to Soren:

But even in this case Soren’s behaviour is born by specific teachings he received:

Viren is obsessed by the inferiority of humans when compared with magical creatures and thinks it is his duty to find a solution for it. What he does not notice is that he confuses humanity’s inferiority with his own inferiority complex. He does not want to win against magical creatures for humanity’s sake, but to show he is not inferior to them. In other words, Viren going back to fight Avizandum, when it was clear that he had no chance, was something probably born by his need to prove himself.

Things end up badly for both father and son. As a matter of fact the people they were trying to help suffer because of their interference. What is more, both Viren and Soren need to be saved by a woman who sacrifices (a part of) herself:

However, Soren receives an ulterior bad consequence for his behaviour:

He temporary loses his physical strength aka the thing he was the most proud of. Because of this, he is forced to face his own vulnerability:

Opens up to his sister:

And expresses what he really wants:

Ultimately what Soren wants is to love people and to be loved in return. Because of this, it is important that he is saved because of others’ love and kindness:

Claudia is there for him despite him having done a mess and Ezran forgives his crimes. It is ultimately because of them and of his own ability to learn from his mistakes that Soren is able to grow. It is poignant that in season 3 Soren starts to pursue his objectives with a completely different method from this:

He uses intelligence:

Communication:

And shows vulnerability, even to his father:

The fact that Viren, in this scene, despises his son’s vulnerability is symbolic of how he can’t really accept his own. As a matter of fact Viren basically does to Soren what he does to himself:

He asks Soren to cut his ties with his childhood friends, just like he did with Harrow whose children he is trying to kill. He wants Soren to inherit the throne, just like he is usurping it. He wants to turn Soren in a monster, just like he himself is turning more and more into one (both internally and externally):

Because of all of this, the reason why Viren treats Soren so coldly finally becomes clear. It is because Viren sees in Soren a part of himself he is ashamed of and does not want to face. Soren is, in Viren’s eyes, the part of himself who tries hard, but never fully succeeds. So Viren asks of Soren the impossible and he shows Soren his most cruel and pragmatic side more openly than he does with Claudia. Moreover he tries to change Soren into someone(-thing) he sees as powerful. However, by refusing to accept his son for who he is, Viren misses that there is much to be loved about Soren. He misses that Soren has talents and traits, which make him a good person and a great Crownguard:

What is more, by refusing Soren’s doubts and challenges, he also refuses to see what should be clear:

If Viren had listened to Soren’s question and had been honest with himself, he could have realized that he is not really the one in control, but that Aaravos is. Soren refuses to stay his father’s puppet, just when his father chooses to be someone else’s and stops thinking with his own head.

In conclusion, Soren is the victim of his father’s self-hate. Moreover, he symbolizes a part of Viren the man refuses. It is precisely because of this refusal that Viren spirals further and this spiral is symbolized by him becoming more and more intertwined with Dark Magic.

VIREN AND CLAUDIA: AN ILLUSION IN THE MIRROR

Dark Magic is described in this way by Sarai:

It is a shortcut which lets people evade problems. However, because of this, the issues which created the problems in the first place are never fully addressed. This leads to people being unable to grow because they never face their own shortcomings. In this way, they are given a sense of false security which is detrimental in the long run.

This is what happens to both Viren and Claudia. In particular, Claudia makes it clear:

Claudia has grown so dependent on Dark Magic that she would use it even for making pancakes. Instead of simply cooking normally, she sacrifices small animals’ lives unnecessarily. This overdependence leads her to lose her usual nice demeanor when a situation she can’t fix with magic arises:

As in Soren’s case, she has become this way because of Viren’s teachings:

As a matter of fact both father and daughter share the method they use to reach their objectives. That said, Claudia’s internal motivation is different from her father’s. Viren is motivated by the wish to prove his strength. Claudia is instead motivated by the wish to stay together with her family. This is why she always justifies her loved ones’ actions. In this way, she does not have to enter in a serious conflict with them. In other words, she enables them even when she should call them out.

We have seen glimpses of this with Soren:

However, it is with Viren that this behaviour truly becomes toxic:

In the scenes above, it is clear that Claudia is tricking herself into believing Viren. She probably knows deep down that Soren has not misheard. However, it is easier to cling to the illusion that he did because in this way Claudia’s perfect little world does not shatter. In this world, her father is the best person ever and Soren is lovable, but a doof. Still, this world is an illusion and it will naturally disappear no matter how much Claudia tries to preserve it:

In the end Soren leaves and Claudia’s family loses another member. It is interesting that, in a sense, Claudia’s behaviour is the opposite of this:

Villads tells Rayla she can control nothing, but herself. Claudia, though, is doing the opposite. She tries to control everything, but is really not able to control herself. By this, I mean that she is unable to actively make a choice:

When it comes to her family, Claudia can’t choose. No matter that one side is clearly in the wrong, she still can’t bring herself to leave a family member. And this is why she is the one left behind instead. Let’s highlight that Claudia has stayed with Viren not because she has actively chosen him over her mother or even Soren. She  has stayed with Viren because she could not make a choice and so her decision ended up being a passive one. Only at this point, Claudia would cling to what she has left and protect it with all her strength even if she must twist reality (both in her own mind and externally) to do so:

This behaviour is damaging both for herself and for her loved ones. As a matter of fact, by not calling her family out, Claudia is not able to stop their spirals. She helps Soren take out a dragon only for that dragon to wound her brother while he is mocking it.

Something similar happens with Viren as well:

Since the very beginning, it is clear that Claudia’s talent for Dark Magic has enabled her father to perform more and more dangerous magic. Let’s highlight that Claudia is probably not really interested in her father’s objectives. She just wants to help Viren, but she only helps him to self-destruct himself more efficiently. If she had not given her father the corn, Viren and Harrow would not have killed Avizandum and all the terrible things which happened and will happen to her family could have been avoided.

Let’s underline that Claudia enabling her father is true not only from a practical point of view:

The scene above shows that Viren wants to be reassured and to be told that he has done the right thing. So he asks Claudia and Claudia readily tells him what he wants to hear. She knows what he wants to hear because it is what he himself has taught her. In short, Claudia acts as Viren’s echo chamber and repeats to him the same justifications he himself uses. In this way, they both manage to keep their respective illusions alive. They can both keep believing Viren is a good person, even if they deep down know it is not true.

This dynamic explains why Viren favors Claudia so much. He sees Claudia as a personification of everything he is proud of about himself. What is more, this personification looks at him as if he were the best person ever. So Viren sees through Claudia an image of himself he likes.

This is also why he hesitates to show Claudia his cruellest side:

The mission Viren gives Claudia may be the one he cares the most about, but it is also the less cruel. Moreover he does not tell her to choose the egg over Soren initially, but he makes the addition after Claudia asks him. Even when one considers it, he is not asking Claudia to actively kill someone she cares about.

In conclusion, Claudia and Viren put each other on a pedestal and this is damaging for both. In particular, Viren uses Claudia to nurture his ego and to feel better about himself, while Claudia lets Viren go away with everything not to be abandoned. It is because Claudia refuses a conflict with her father that she can neither save herself nor him.

VIREN AND AARAVOS: BECOMING THE MIRROR

Soren and Claudia’s different relationships with Viren are conveyed through their respective reactions to Aaravos:

On one hand Claudia finds her father’s little bug pal cute. On the other hand Soren tries to smoosh it. This is not accidental, but symbolic. As a matter of fact Soren is who Viren is ashamed to be, while Claudia is who Viren is proud to be. Aaravos is instead who gives Viren the chance to truly become his ideal-self.

This is made clear since the very beginning:

The first thing Aaravos does to communicate with Viren is to repeat the man’s actions. This is what a reflection should do, so Aaravos plays the part of Viren’s reflection. To be more precise, he offers Viren what he wants:

Because of this, Aaravos is seen by Viren as a chance to finally become who he wants to be. As a matter of fact it is clear that Viren idealizes Aaravos and ends up depending on him more and more. This is also shown through minor details:

Viren glimpses into Aaravos’s room from his own one, which resembles a dungeon. The symbolism is clear: Viren feels trapped by his own limits and is given the possibility to see a better place and a person who may help him overcome said limits. However, this is an illusion:

Aaravos’s luxurious room is nothing more than a prison. Similarly, the beautiful elf who offers to help Viren is not really Viren’s ideals encarnated, but, if anything, he is his worst instincts:

Aaravos pushes Viren to commit more atrocities than those he has already committed. What is more, the elf interferes in the relationship Viren has with his children:

This is a pretty crucial moment. Claudia asks his father to explain himself and Viren is given the chance to come clean and to use this input to truly reflect on his own actions. However, any feeling of guilt or vulnerability Viren may be experiencing is readily suffocated by Aaravos’s words. The elf invites Viren to only think utilitaristically. So Viren manipulates both his children. In this way, he pushes Soren away and traps Claudia in a dynamic, which will damage her.

In a sense, Aaravos’s lines usually highlight Viren’s hypocrisy and his hidden contradictions:

Viren refuses the idea that Claudia is just an asset, but ultimately this is how he treats both her and Soren. If that were not the case, he would have answered Claudia’s question in the dungeon honestly and would have apologized to both her and Soren. Aaravos simply makes clear something about Viren, which the man refuses. The same happens here:

Viren wants power for selfish reasons (he wants to feel worthy), but he deceives himself into thinking he wants it for others. This is why Aaravos’s words do not sit well with him. Your actions appear much less noble if you are reminded that what you really want is to conquer a nation.

At the same time, it is clear that Aaravos is not really in good faith and that he is using Viren’s insecurities to further his own agenda. This is why he is symbolically taking control of Viren:

Aaravos’s vessel is not the bug, but Viren himself. Aaravos is slowly taking him over. This is symbolically shown by Aaravos “stealing” Viren’s senses:

Moreover, by the end of season three, Aaravos is the one moving Viren’s body to hit Rayla:

In other words, it is not Viren controlling the mirror, but it is the mirror controlling him:

This is highly ironic. As a matter of fact, in his pursue of self-importance, Viren is  being reduced to a shell through which Aaravos can act. However, Viren refuses to face this (as seen through his dynamic with Soren (shame)) and to admit his mistakes (as shown by his dynamic with Claudia (pride)).

CLAUDIA AND SOREN: MORE THAN REFLECTIONS

The analysis up until now has been focused on how Viren objectifies his two kids. He treats them as parts of himself, but they are more than that. This last section will highlight it through their relationship.

First of all, as stated in the first section, Soren and Claudia are very accomplished for their age. They are given adult responsibilities to the point that they are barely treated as kids by their parent:

Viren has shown very little patience when it comes to the siblings’ most childish traits. He is annoyed by their jokes and dismisses their quirkiness as non-sense. This is very different from how the siblings treat each other:

Soren and Claudia are able to express themselves more openly when they are together than when they interact with Viren. This is true also when it comes to calling each other out:

Interestingly, they criticize behaviours they share with Viren. As a matter of fact Claudia scolds Soren for his lack of tact and cruelty and ignores Viren’s mission is far crueller. Soren instead shows disgust for his sister’s magic, but does not dare to do the same to his father’s face.

This shows that, since the beginning, Soren and Claudia are uncomfortable with some traits Viren has. However, they tolerate them both in Viren and in each other out of respect for their parent. This is made clear throughout the series:

Soren finds magic gross, but finds ingredients for Claudia’s spell. Claudia does not want to fight her friends, but accepts to do it. The reason why they both compromise is clearly just one:

They must succeed in their mission. In other words, Viren’s presence, even when he is away, stops them from truly calling each other out and from acting in a way they both feel comfortable with. In a sense, it stops them from growing. Because of this, it is not a surprise that the first serious conflict they have is specifically about their father:

This scene portrays Soren and Claudia serving two different kings (Viren and Ezran). This highlights two differences between the siblings.

The first one is the dychotomy between duty and family/feelings. Given the choice, Soren always chooses his duty (Ezran):

While Claudia always chooses her family (Viren):

Let’s underline that one choice is not inherently better than the other. This is made clear in season two. In this season, we see Soren choosing the mission over his childhood friends. This is his reasoning:

Surely, he wants to please his father, but he also wants to believe it is the best thing for the greater good.

In that same season, we see Claudia giving up on her mission:

Claudia does so because her love for her family is superior to her sense of duty.

In other words, season two shows Soren making the wrong choice out of a misplaced sense of duty, while Claudia makes the right one by trusting her feelings. However, season three shows a reversed situation:

Soren is able to betray his father because of his own sense of duty, while Claudia can’t make herself leave Viren out of love.

In other words, the right choice does not lie neither in “relationships” nor in “duty”. After all, the lines between these two concepts are blurred. On one hand Soren reconciled with his childhood friends and forged new bonds in order to fulfill his duty. On the other hand Claudia would help Viren more if she called him out.

So, in the scene above, what is the true difference between the two siblings? Why is Soren in the right, while Claudia is in the wrong? The main difference lies symbolically in the fact that Soren is protecting a child, while Claudia is enabling a parent. This means that Soren is growing up, while Claudia is refusing to.

Growing up is a process, which often creates conflict between the child and the parent. This is especially true in this context because of Viren’s abusive behaviour. If the two siblings want to grow up, they must escape Viren and become their own people. This is what Soren has started to do in season three. Throughout the season he is able to see his father for who he really is, calls him out and finally leaves him to become who he wants to be.

This is something Claudia is not able to do because deep down she does not want to grow up. This is conveyed, as shown above, by her inability to choose. As a matter of fact Claudia does not want to choose, but to be chosen. This is because a choice implies a sacrifice (a consequence), but Claudia does not want to give up on anything precious to her. What she wants is, instead, that the people she loves always choose her. In this way, Claudia gives up her own agency.

This is clearly a consequence of her mother’s abandonment:

Because of this event, she is stuck in a childish state where she wants to be taken care of and protected. That said, her family members have other objectives, so she gives them what she herself wants (nurture and protection) hoping to receive it from them in return.

Let’s think once again about what Viren tells Callum at the beginning:

Viren claims that Callum (and Ezran) won’t be able to face changes because they have been spoilt. However, the narrative shows that this is not the case. If anything, the fact that Harrow has loved and supported his children is the reason why they can grow up:

Among the main characters, the one who can’t face change is Claudia and this is not because she has been spoilt, but because her mother made her feel unloved.

In short, both Soren and Claudia have developed a sense of worthlessness because of their parents’ behaviour. Soren has developed it because of Viren’s mistreatment, while Claudia has hers because of her mother’s abandonment. Soren tries to overcome his by impressing his fahter and later on he finds a healthier fulfillment in his role of Crownguard. Claudia tries to overcome hers by keeping her family together and toning down its conflicts. Soren defines himself through external recognizements, while Claudia through her relationships with others. All in all, it is the same problem, but it is declined in different ways.

In conclusion, Soren and Claudia are two kids who have been suffering because of their parents. In order to reach a positive outcome they must grow up and become independent (as proven by Soren in season three). In this way, they will naturally tone down some traits, which can be negative if taken to the extreme (love for one’s own strength, hate of conflict). It is probable that they will be able to do so through each other. After all, Soren got his chance to actively redeem himself because Claudia cured him, so it is likely Claudia too will be given another chance (hopefully) through Soren.

CONCLUSION: ESCAPING THE MIRROR

Both Viren and his children are all trapped in a game of mirrors. Viren treats his kids as reflections of himself and his pursue of an ideal self (who is nothing, but a mirage) is destroying his family.

To stop this process, Viren must accept who he is and his mistakes, while Soren and Claudia must claim their own individuality and become independent from their parent. There are several ways this can (or can’t) happen. I am curious about how the dynamics of this family will keep being explored in later seasons.

[bleedingthirium]

Connor x Reader (Tickle Fights)

Author Note: Thank you for being my first request! I hope this is okay? And I also hope you don’t mind that I kept it gender-neutral? And please don’t be shy – oh my gosh, I just adore talking and gushing over ideas! You made my day when I saw you pop into my lonely inbox!

Being with Connor wasn’t exactly easy but you accepted that when your relationship with him progressed further than the norms of friendship. A romantic relationship between humans and androids were still quite fuzzy. Some accepted this reality, others did not take kindly to it. However, you took the optimist viewpoint and saw the glass half-full. Nothing mattered, you had Connor and he made you feel alive; just like you made him feel alive.

It was a lazy Sunday afternoon during the ‘no technology’ restriction period you placed on yourselves; mostly you. Connor made the argument that he is technically considered ‘part technology’ so in order to fulfil your wish, he’d have to leave the room, or place himself on lower power mode. A wave of your hand and a feigned exasperated sigh left your lips as you explained how you meant it as entertainment devices such as ipads, iphones, the television… After a few moments of explaining this and patiently waiting for him to grasp the concept of your idea, he agreed to it – even placing his own limitations on himself (such as not downloading data etc. to help in social situations with you). Which lead to a slightly awkward moment during one of your ‘no technology’ afternoons. You had been curled up on the couch, reading a book when your eyes skimmed the words of a particular scene and suddenly an idea formed from it. Connor was sitting at the opposite end of the couch, absentmindedly massaging your feet when your sudden request pulled him out of his thoughts. “Tickle me.” The ministrations to your feet stopped and a slightly quizzical expression turned to face you. “I beg your pardon?” “Tickle me.” You repeated, placing your book down on the coffee table (spine up so you don’t lose your page, and to also avoid dog-earing the page. A pet peeve you had). “Tickle you?” “Yeah. You know? Like…” sitting up, you leaned over and made quick dancing fingers over at him in a mock demonstration. “I’m afraid I don’t understand the concept. What would it achieve? Does it please humans?” A gentle sigh escaped your lips as you realised you had to explain it to Connor; bless him for keeping to the goal of limiting himself from ‘technology usage’. Otherwise he would have quickly downloaded the information and they wouldn’t be in this awkward situation. “It doesn’t ‘achieve’ anything important except, well, fun. It’s just a fun, silly thing to do. A memory of having a good time to look back on. You know?” No, Connor didn’t really know… but the blue flickering of his LED light was proof enough that he was trying to understand. Nevertheless, like the dutiful boyfriend he was, he obliged your request. “Alright…like this?” He questioned as he reached over and lightly mimicked your actions. Grin forming on your face, you immediately began to squirm and a small yelp slipped out. Taking it as though he hurt you, he immediately pulled his hands away and the calm blue of his LED flickered to Yellow, hints of red flickering every so often. Trouble washed over those beautiful curious but kind brown eyes of his. “I’m sorry Y/N. Did I hurt you?” “No, no! It tickled! This is what tickling is, Connor. I’m very ticklish… Try again?” He looked hesitant for a moment but when brown eyes took in your features, he could see you weren’t hurt in the slightest. A slight nod to confirm, he advanced towards you and experimental hands immediately found your most ticklish spot. Your head tilted back and the most genuine sound of laughter filtered through the air. Again, Connor’s hands yanked back and his LED spun to yellow, this time he moved away from you, placing a small distance between you. Something unfamiliar washed over him and he wasn’t quite sure how to process it properly without breaking the rule you had set out for the Sunday afternoons. You immediately sat up, features falling from the carefree laughter you had embraced only moments ago. “Connor? What is it?” The violently whirring yellow of his LED didn’t go unnoticed, and you placed a hand on his arm in an attempt to try to calm and ground him. “Con? Hey. Talk to me. You look… I don’t know…you look sick?” No, wait, android’s don’t get sick… “Flustered.” You quickly correct yourself. “I…Does tickling always cause you to make that sound?” Your brows creased even further because not only was Connor looking utterly confused, he also wasn’t making much sense with the question. “Uh, yeah? Why?” “I…I like it. The sound of your laughter, I mean. It’s…It’s nice.” You finally realised the blue tinge to his cheeks wasn’t flushed from being ‘sick’, he was blushing! “Um…thank you, I guess?” your voice hitched a note higher than usual. The compliment was sweet, of course. But no one’s ever complimented you on your laughter before. It felt odd… but seeing Connor being so openly vulnerable with his sensitivity (or would it be referred to as deviancy? Who knows), you found it rather endearing. Well, this afternoon certainly wasn’t going the way you expected it to. “Y/N?” “Yeah?” “Do you remember when you asked me what happiness meant to me?” “Mm?” “I think I can finally answer it. Happiness is … you. Your smile. Your laughter. I feel elated… my levels increase, not dangerously, but they decrease any negative feelings I may harbour at that point. Does that make sense?” Your hand never left his arm, your E/C orbs taking in his flushed features, deciding that he looked beautiful like this despite how much trouble he has processing certain emotions he didn’t quite understand.  

but the other hand came up and gripped the collar of the shirt he was wearing, pulling him slightly down to you. Tilting your face up slightly, your lips brushed against his, “Makes perfect sense babe.” You murmured before pressing your lips firmly against his. You swore you felt the breath escape his own lips before he responded to the kiss. His own lips matching the dancing rhythm of your own. You felt his arm move and your hand instinctively came up to rest on his shoulder while he looped his arm behind you, lowering you back down onto the couch. You hummed in response, your own eyes fluttering closed, but not before spying his LED light now spinning back to the calm blue. Settled against the back of the couch, your arms snaked around Connor’s neck, delighting yourself in feeling his solid build leaning slightly against you (enough to relish in his weight, but not enough to crush you). You were about to deepen the kiss when Connor’s hands ghosted their way over your frame before resting on their final spot; your tickle spot! Lips tore from his and you shrieked out his name! He had clearly calculated this! Using your weakness (his kisses) to his advantage before trapping you beneath him and voila! The stealthy detective makes his move.

Between your fits of giggles (which was absolute music to his ears), you managed to capture glimpses of his own smile, which reached his twinkling eyes. Was that a hint of mischievousness you caught shimmering in those brown orbs of his? Oh no. You released a monster. A tickle monster!

[arreisstorm]

BTS' Map Of The Soul: Persona

I am always in a continuous state of shock and awe whenever I even begin to contemplate the in-depth philosophical, psychological, and just overall intellect these boys possess.

Not only have they used various works of literature:

Demian- Wings

The Ones Who Walk from Omelas- Spring Day

but they have also been incorporating theoretical science:

Carl Jung's 4 major archetypes

since the very beginning!

And then to use a music industry as big as K-Pop to highlight the importance of knowledge and connect everything together...

That's beautiful.

It's genius!

So let me try and break some of it down now:

Carl Gustav Jung was a famous psychiatrist and psychotherapist who once proposed the theory that everyone's personality consisted of 4 separate entities:

The Shadow

The Anima/Animus

The Persona

The Self

and it was these 4 traits, or archetypes, that were believed to be the reasoning for why we as individuals developed personalities and certain behaviors. He also theorized that when an individual recognized and experienced all 4 archetypes that it would lead to self-fulfilment. So now let's break this down even further but from BTS' viewpoint.

The Shadow

From their debut through Dark & Wild, you can see that these were more chaotic times for BTS as they were trying to let the world know who they were, yet also trying to remain genuine at the same time. It's hard thing to do because, especially when referring to K-Pop, you are told you have to look, act, and exist in a certain way. You are to be idols and to model what's most popular when it comes to societal influence. This is exactly what Carl meant when he introduced the Shadow archetype. It's known to be the darker side of ourselves; the wildness and chaotic version that we use to try to repress some of our more negative thoughts.

BTS experienced the Shadow because they debuted with this "bad-boy" imagine and basically said F the system! Although they still had their personal beliefs and stances on life, they did kind of let themselves become manipulated by others wishes. Even some of the boys have had regrets towards the way they first acted. I mean RM, then Rap Monster, openly expressed how he wanted to change his name because he felt that title no longer applied to who he was. Same for the rest of the boys. They had just started out and were naive and some easily impressionable, no one should blame them for their early days, I mean I'm sure we all have times we look back on not too fondly as well.

The Anima/Animus

Jung believed the next step after the Shadow was the Anima/Animus, which represents the feminine (Anima) side of male's unconsciousness, while the (Animus) is the masculine side for the female's. This aspect was said to bring order or balance to an individual's life. Because we live in a society that is so concerned with separating one's gender as a way to normalize behavior as a whole, it has become almost impossible for us to have said balance because it is "not acceptable"; however, it's important to have those two separations to a person's behavior because it allows us to have positive and negative aspects for each.

Imagine if you had a man who was nothing but competitive and dominating all the time, yet lacked the nurturing skills of a women when it came to showing compassion towards a child or loved ones. Then imagine on the other hand, there's a women who has all the emotional capacity yet let's herself be pushed around and stepped on because she lacks an assertive nature due to said generosity and compassion. Neither one would be able to make it long in this world because they do not possess the balance from both sides to do so.

Relating this back to BTS, you can see the Anima appearing during the Love Yourself highlight reel, although it wasn't so clear to some until now. Most ARMY or casual supporters of BTS simply thought that these girls that appeared in the video were simply some type of love interest or previous relationship they had because including girls in idol groups' videos is nothing out of the ordinary; however, knowing about the archetype Anima/Animus, I have pieced together that these girls were actually not love interests at all, but they represented the boys' feminine part of their unconsciousness.

The reason I say this is because during the HYYH era MVs, you can see the destructive nature BTS are going through. Whether it be destruction of self or of personal relationships, it's obvious that they are still experiencing the first stage, the Shadow, and in order to move past it they must recognize the next one. The girls in the video are seen when the boys are at their happiest, AKA when they are experiencing balance from the uncertainty surrounding their lives. It is here we can see the growth of each member taking place.

(Photo credit: stussyjimin on Twitter)

The Persona

After we have the Shadow and Anima/Animus we move onto the 3rd stage: the Persona. This archetype is one of the most common ones that people find themselves unable to move past.

Societal constructs yet again have a huge part to play in this because we are constantly seeking validation from others in order to appease our own self-conscious tendencies. You see, the word 'persona' in Latin literary means 'mask', which is appropriate because when we reach this archetype we often force ourselves to wear a mask so that others might accept our perceived truths over the actual ones. Whether it be at work, home, in other public situations, or even online we all make the decisions to put on that mask, contradicting our own beliefs in order to seem likeable. These decisions don't even necessarily have to be life-changing, but any minor ones also alter an individual as a whole.

You see, where the Shadow's job is to let us repress our unacceptable behaviors to appear more relatable, the Persona highlights those new changes to keep up the charade of being accepted from what others expect from us. This could more easily be known as "people-pleasing". In order to reach our next stage the most important thing to keep in mind is that we as humans are not simply a sum of our Personas and we must find our true identity within ourselves.

Again, relating this back to BTS, it reminds me of 2 different concepts: Wings and Love Yourself: Tear.

With Wings, I mostly see it in the solos because each one specifically deals with some kind of pain or sadness due to outside influences. For example, in Jungkook's BEGIN, he mentions how helpless he felt during their debut and then how much it hurt him to see his hyungs going through dark times. In Jimin's LIE, he talks about his struggles with starvation and body imagery and how listening to negativity made him spiral out of control. V's STIGMA explains how he often feels like this absent family member to his brothers because of BTS' busy schedule and his inability to be there for them. Suga's FIRST LOVE expands on his depression and how he almost gave up his dream at one point, also turning his back on his first love which is music. RM's Reflection is almost like a conversation with himself conveying his insecurities and how hard he finds it to love himself because of how he's been perceived in the past. Hobi's MAMA, although the more happier track of them all, serves as a love letter to his mom confessing his hardships as well as how much he appreciates his mom for always having his back. Then finally we have Jin's AWAKE, where he pours his heart out about feeling inadequate compared to everyone else, yet he still is going to try his hardest. The boys showed us their personal struggles and how keeping up these charades for so long would end up tearing them apart. They knew they were missing the final link.

Love Yourself: Tear can also be seen in this way. In fact, RM explained that when writing and designing the concept for one of their most popular tracks from the album, Fake Love, he was trying to communicate the fact that, in life, we constantly find ourselves trying to fill a void in order to deem ourselves as whole, and often times this can be filled with love, but that doesn't specifically have to be about relationships. "We're saying that if you're not true to yourself, your love won't last forever. The love could be person to person, it could be between me and myself,".... "It's kinda deep."

See here he means that love doesn't necessarily have to be about a physical relationship, just like the Persona doesn't just have to be about the relationship you have with others. Even if the simplified version is often seen as "people-pleasing", it can also mean, in an inadvertent way, changing yourself or donning a mask in order to fool your own mind into loving those alterations you've made personally. Learning to love yourself and acknowledging your flaws is the only way to reach the final stage.

(Photo credit: dailyhoping on Twitter)

(YAJR#jkc at aminoapps.com)

The Self

The 4th and final stage to achieving personal fulfillment is known as the Self. This means that after having gone through all other areas of self discovery when reaching this stage there should no longer be any traces of doubts or identity loss left.

According to Jung, the Self is most often represented by the wise man/wise woman, especially when it comes to dreams. He once said that if there was a ever a time when a person dreamed of a wise figure, then it was an indication that self fulfillment is right around the corner. This is a lose interpretation though, it doesn't necessarily have to be an old man or old woman, some even think that people who serve as mentors to an individual, regardless of age, can also fit the profile. In the case of BTS however, I do believe that Jung's original idea was more of the inspiration.

If you recall during one of the trailers for Fake Love, there was the Magic Shop where the boys went to trade in objects for others. The vendor in charge of the shop could be considered as a sort of magician, which just so happens to be another character that is said to represent the Self. So knowing that and then if you see in the video that the objects traded by each boy connects them back to previous storylines, or sticking with Jung's theory, previous archetypes that can be used to remind them of hurt, pain, and darker times. The symbolism of this exchange can be interpreted as the boys relinquishing their previous lost identities to finally take that metaphorical step and receive the solution that will finally lead them to the Self.

Actually, if you look at the next MV that follows Fake Love extended version, you will see that it is the last song from BTS' latest album Love Yourself: Answer, Epiphany. The literal definition of the word 'epiphany' means a sudden realization, revelation, or insight, which in terms of the archetype, the Self, this could be a representation of the defining moment that shows BTS finding the final path to self fulfillment and true happiness. I'm not saying they've 100% reached the very top of the pyramid, but I do think that in deciding to make this the last track on the album, they are also treating the words as a personal message to all of ARMY.

This is their genius way of letting everyone know that the only true solution to achieving that final level of a well-developed Self, you must first experience a culmination of all previous archetypes and then integrate them all alongside the last:

One must learn to express hurt and emotions (the Shadow) before they can find a balance within (the Anima/Animus) to help counteract the mask and preconceptions (the Persona) others make us develop throughout life. It is only then will we be wise (the Self) enough to find the hidden truth.

Final Thoughts:

First of all, I want to say thank you if you made it through this whole post, I know its a little long and I truly appreciate it. 💜

Secondly, I want to reiterate that none of this is to be seen as a concrete answer to BTS concepts, song meanings, or their entire creative process as a whole, this is simply my thoughts and opinions and nothing more. That being said though, I am more than open and willing to hear both your theories on the symbolism BTS uses, as well as any constructive criticism you might have concerning this post. So please feel free to leave a comment ✌

Lastly, I have one more thing to touch base on and that is the recent announcement that was the inspiration behind this post being created in the first place. It's been blowing up the internet since it was first released, but in case you might have missed it, BTS has just dropped their comeback date (April 12th!) and the title is Map of the Soul: Persona.

See because I have such an interest in psychology/philosophy and especially loved studying Jung's work, when I first saw the title, and knowing how intellectual these boys are, I couldn't help myself from thinking that this new era could possibly have ties into Jung's 4 Archetypes. This then brought me to revist everything BTS has done up until now to see if I could be right, and that's when I realized they had already tackled the theory on the down low, or at least for most people; hence why I made this post, I wanted to create this in-depth analysis to help others understand the pure genius aspects that goes into BTS' concepts.

Now with that being said, if this new era and concept truly is going to draw inspiration from Carl Jung and his theories, then the above post is nothing more than a simple a taste of what's to come. Trust me, if it's BTS we are talking about, then everything I've said pales in comparison to what their truly brilliant minds can come up with. Either way I can't wait to see what's in store!!!

Thank you again if you read this and please feel free to share or leave your own comments. I would love to hear what you guys have to say! 💜💜💜

[shostakobitchh]

Aim & Ignite Second POV?

It began with Severus’ least favorite thing — children.

While saying such things out loud would probably have created an uproar amongst the staff, he spent each night before term began hating them. The Sorting was, admittedly, the most tolerable of the nights, but it only reminded Severus that tomorrow, he’d have a brand new batch of dunderheads to keep from killing one another, and themselves. Dumbledore belittled him every summer, just before the start of term, to update his syllabus, to find something worth teaching in the little cretins, but Severus couldn’t understand why he bothered. He hated them all, each and every one. There were far too many of them, in his opinion, to which Dumbledore would reply that enrollment had actually dwindled throughout the years due to the war. That little fun fact was enough to shut the both of them up.

They both knew why he was really here, and it wasn’t to teach children. Those little monsters turned the castle into a demon-sent-hellspawn wasteland — Hogwarts was so different when it wasn’t spilling over with those… things. Severus could almost enjoy the long days of summer, the way the wind moved through the grass and the only voices were its whispers in the empty halls.

The rest of the staff had busied themselves away with things that seemed silly and inconsequential to Severus. Minerva had been flustered by the letters back and forth from parents, Sprout was rearranging the layout of the greenhouse, and Flitwick had been transfiguring his desk back and forth between designs for several hours now. Severus only knew of these activities because of Dumbledore — he’d found him in the dungeons this morning, using his genuine interest in their activities to segway into another, more repulsive, subject. Even more repulsive than the lemon drops.

Severus watched the last rays of summer filter in through the castle windows, wishing he could fade away alongside them. Beside him, Dumbledore watched the sunset with an annoyingly pensive look on his face. “Have you given any thought to what we were discussing this morning?”

Severus barely turned his head to acknowledge him. “No.”

Despite his cold reply, Dumbledore chuckled. “Humor an old man, my boy.”

He was, of course, referring to something Severus did not want to talk about, and if Severus did not want to, he would, under any circumstances, not. Dumbledore had found him here for this precise reason. To his relief, Dumbeldore gave a great sigh, his mustache twitching in a knowing smile. There came a familiar crackling sound soon after. As Severus glanced sideways at the old man, he found him unwrapping one of those Muggle sweets — a lemon-drop.

Dumbledore caught him staring and stopped just as he was about to pop one into his mouth. “I’m sorry, my boy, did you…?”

“No,” Severus said, looking back toward the sunset, which had hidden itself behind the treeline.

Dumbledore twinkled at him. “You did enjoy the toffee flavored ones, I believe.”

He gave a sound that was passable enough for agreement. While Dumbledore waited patiently beside him, Severus forced himself to continue ignoring him, hoping he would simply drop the subject and leave him to sulk by himself. Dumbledore, however, was an annoying and meddlesome old man, and no matter how many times Severus pointed out this fact, it never deterred him.

“You must stop worrying about the world ending today.” said Dumbledore. “It’s already tomorrow in Australia.”

Severus stifled the urge to roll his eyes. “How unfortunate.”

You’re sulking, Conscience told him, is rather pathetic.

“My boy,” Dumbledore gave him an understanding look. “I know where your trepidation comes from, but I would be remiss if I did not inquire as to the state of your mind these past few days. I can only imagine…”

He trailed off, following Severus’ gaze to the sunset, which was completely enveloped by the trees, now. The sky was a brilliant red, the clouds purple tufts of smoke decorating the tree-landen horizon. Off in the distance, he could hear whatever creatures Hagrid had brought in for the nights calling to one another, or perhaps Hagrid for a feeding. They sounded like hippogriffs, but they were distant, and the sound distorted.

“I’ve sent Hagrid to get her things for school.” Dumbledore said, motioning to the smoke that drifted across their field of vision, most likely coming from Hagrid’s hut. “He insisted, seeing as he brought her to Lily’s sister.”

Severus tensed.

“I wonder,” said Dumbledore, when Severus did not respond yet again. “if Tom realizes.”

Severus felt like a bucket of ice water had been dumped over his head. He hadn’t mentioned the Dark Lord directly this morning —  he’d danced around it with pleasantries and such — but this was the first time in years he’d said his name. It still unnerved him that Dumbledore used the Dark Lord’s birth name, as if the being with the red eyes and cruel, high voice could be reduced to such a common, Muggle name. The Dark Lord was something you could not comprehend a beginning to, like a human creator. Wizards and Muggles alike could fathom something living forever, but not something having always existed. It was an unreachable place in the mind.

“It feels as though it is another start to term.” Severus finally said, making sure his voice was devoid of any emotion. “New students joining the general population is inconsequential to my current state of mind. I’m sure the Dark Lord feels the same, if he’s truly still out there.”

He wouldn’t bring up the girl — he would not. He rarely thought of her, rarely remembered that the beginning of her schooling at Hogwarts drew closer at the end of every school term. Severus could not acknowledge both the continued existence (whatever quality it may be, at this point, anyways) of the Dark Lord and Lily’s daughter.

Dumbledore was quiet for another long moment. “Well, I applaud you for treating the situation as such. I’m sure Lily’s daughter will have enough people paying her unwanted attention… having someone treat her no differently than the others is reassuring. I know Minerva is anxious to have the girl join us… but she admits openly that Lily was one of her favorite pupils. It’s different, I suppose.”

The old man stared at him intently over half-moon spectacles, trying to draw out some sort of reaction. Severus had forbidden it, and Dumbledore had respected that, but as the days drew nearer to Lily’s daughter beginning her education at Hogwarts, the memory of That Night had begun to crack itself open amongst the staff. They whispered about it excitedly amongst themselves, with looks of both sombre remembrance and bright anticipation. Severus, however, had taken the memory of Godric’s Hollow and the Dark Lord’s last spell and locked it in an untouchable, unbreakable box. At it’s mention, though, the memory began to thump against its box and rattle the chains that had kept it buried all this time.

“The girl is of no matter to me.” said Severus, not liking that he was being forced to admit her existence out loud. “You know I will do what I need to, if it is required. I sense that is what you’re after, really.”

“She’ll need that protection, Severus.” Dumbledore faced him fully now, his face full of something like expectation, but also a graveness that Severus did not want to acknowledge was there. “Tom will return, and when he does, she will need us all. There is no easy way to say that. Her tenure here is not something to be gawked at… it’s to be a marker. I fear for her going forward, I do, but I have faith that she will be safe here…” Dumbledore trailed off, returning his gaze to the sunset. It wasn’t like him to speak of such things, and this unnerved Severus.

“Has something happened?” he asked sharply.

Dumbledore blinked at him in surprise. “No, no, my dear boy. I apologize, I was simply —”

He froze, suddenly, like he’d had a nasty shock. Severus turned towards him finally, fully, letting down his wary guard. As intentionally mysterious as the old man could be, this was not usual behavior for Dumbledore, even when he was trying to get his way. No, he used matters of the heart for that.

“The Blood Wards.” Dumbledore said. “They’ve fallen.”

It took Severus a moment to grasp what he was saying, but even if he hadn’t, the look on Dumbledore’s face would have been jarring enough. He would never forget that look — he’d never seen the Headmaster look alarmed, let alone afraid, but it was gone as quickly as it had appeared.

“What do you —” before Severus could even finish, Dumbledore was offering him his arm.

“We must move, quickly.” he said, in a voice like lightning. There was no arguing with it, or refusing it. The aftermath, the thunder, was inevitable.

Severus took his arm.

[tyrantisterror]

TT Liveblogs Evangelion Masterpost & Final Thoughts

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Final Thoughts after the cut!

By reputation, I had a strong feeling that Evangelion was not going to be my kind of story, and now that I’ve seen it I can say that both kind of is and kind of isn’t the case.  The character writing is incredibly strong (even if I feel End of Evangelion has a few major wobbles), its approach to its cosmic horror conflict and uncanny monsters is incredibly interesting, the animation is gorgeous, and the plot is compelling.  It’s way more tragic than I usually prefer my stories of this length to be, but I feel it earns that tragedy and has a point to it.  At the very least, it ranks among works like Heart of Darkness and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, which I respect for their artistry even if I struggle to stomach their content.  I would say it’s objectively great, even if subjectively it doesn’t always suit my personal tastes as far as stories go.

Given the two endings Evangelion (both the original show’s last episodes and the alternate ending offered by End of Evangelion) has both explore the idea of there being different realities than the one we’ve watched, I almost wonder if my discontent is a feature rather than a flaw.  I feel like Evangelion invites you to consider the possibility of this story going very different ways - if we’re supposed to leave it longing for a better version of these events, like a player hoping there’s a new game plus after watching the depressing ending of a JRPG.

 As a person who’s struggled with self loathing his entire life, this series spoke to me in its analysis of that particular psychological problem.  As the final episodes of the show take great pains to make clear, this is a show about how we understand and define ourselves in the context of others, and the myriad reasons why our self definitions can become toxic and hateful.  Hating oneself should, after all, be rather counter-intuitive, so why are we prone to it?

Evangelion posits that it comes down to the Hedgehog’s Dilemma - this (probably not biologically accurate) idea that hedgehogs want to huddle together for warmth when it’s cold, but can’t because their spikes will stab each other if they do.  They need their spikes for defense, of course, but those same spikes can also hurt people trying to help them, and thus the hedgehogs suffer alone in the cold.  Every character in this show - human and, I would argue, angel alike - is this allegorical hedgehog: they crave warmth and affection, but are kept lonely and cold by the defenses they deem necessary.  The problem isn’t just that they’re denied warmth by others, but that they also fear hurting others in the process of seeking that closeness - that they are both helpless and incapable of helping those they wish to protect.

Every character in this show has different spikes, and every character is desperately hoping that someone will reach out and understand them despite their defenses, or that maybe, just maybe, if they reach out to someone they won’t end up stabbing them in the process.  That’s the real crux of this two-fold problem: people hate themselves both because they have been denied both love and the act of giving love to others in turn, all while knowing deep down that they are the reason they have these damn spikes in the first place.

And yes, I extend this to the monsters as well.  While most of the angels in this series are destructive and openly antagonistic , three actually try to communicate with humanity in their “attacks.”  The first two are unsuccessful because the humans are incapable of understanding them, but the third actually manages to speak humanity’s language.  He expresses regret at the fact that angels and humans can’t coexist, and even urges Shinji to destroy him because it’s the only way Shinji can live - and the angel, despite knowing it means his death, prefers the idea of Shinji surviving their conflict.  While we ultimately don’t learn enough about the angels to say anything concrete about their motives, the glimpse that Kaworu gives into their psyche paints them in a similarly depressing light as humanity.  They lash out with their figurative (and sometimes literal) spikes not because they hate humanity, but because they believe they have no option.  They can’t have warmth.  There is only the path of spikes, the act of violence.  Whether they want to or not, only one can survive.  They have succumbed to the bleakness of the hedgehog’s dilemma.

I love the ending of the show because it focuses on its psychological problem which, ultimately, is the true conflict of the story, and examines it in depth with all the main characters, and especially Shinji (which makes sense, as his psycholgical state is the most detailed and well developed of the entire cast).  In the final episode, Shinji finds the solution to the hedgehog’s dilemma that no one else was brave enough to come to.  He realizes that, yes, it is impossible to interact with others without both getting hurt and hurting others in turn - that he can’t get rid of his spikes, nor can anyone else get rid of theirs.  But as much as he hates the pain he’ll both experience and inflict, he realizes that he has the courage to try to reach out anyway - that though he may hate himself now, he might be able to love himself as he loves others, and that being imperfect doesn’t mean he’s worthless.  Despite all the pain and the guilt, despite the prick of the spikes, Shinji decides to keep trying to find the warmth that he and those around him need, because if they all keep trying together they can find it.

Evangelion ends with Shinji, surrounded by his peers, determined to recover.  He refuses to be destroyed by his depression.  He refuses to die in the cold, and everyone is there with him when he does.  It’s not an incongruous moment - for all the angst that people tend to define this show by, there are always moments, small but notable, impactful moments, where they come together.  Few people on this show are beyond saving, and in at least one ending - esoteric and weird as it is - they have that chance.

I’m less keen on End of Evangelion as an alternate ending.  Where the original show gave Shinji that moment of recovery, End of Evangelion seems deadset on destroying him and every other character in the show as utterly as possible.  Shinji gives in to his absolute worst impulses in this movie, and every other character is similarly destroyed by their faults - Misato tries her hardest but fails to ultimately protect Shinji from doom, Rei is used as a tool for someone else’s designs without ever truly understanding what they are or claiming her own independence, Asuka dies trying and failing to prove her worth as a warrior, and on and on it goes.  The most iconic scene of the film is scored with a song whose lyrics are a suicide note, which is fitting for a movie about depressed characters succumbing to their worst impulses and being destroyed for it.  Though Shinji once again gets to survive the end of the world and create something new from the ashes, it’s not uplifting as it was in the show - instead, with only Asuka by his side (who he then tries to strangle), he slumps down into a puddle of self misery.  The last word he hears isn’t “congratulations” this time around - it’s “disgusting.”

I’m not saying this is a wrong ending, or an objectively bad one.  You could argue this is just as much where the story might have been heading as the show’s ending - or even that it’s more congruous, that this was always going to be a story about failure and self destruction, and that any hope these characters could have for a better life could only be achieved by fucking with the nature of their reality on a fundamental level.  Objectively, End of Evangelion is valid.  But for my personal tastes... I liked those kernels of hope.  I’ll take Congratulations over Digusting.  I want these kids to heal.

One final bit: a common thing I’ve heard about this series is that the allusions to Abrahamic religion and folklore are purely aesthetic and have no actual deeper meaning, and having watched the series I think this is at best an over-simplification and at worst completely wrong.  Like most allusions in literature, I don’t think they work as a direct 1:1 comparisons - Adam in Evangelion is not literally the same as Adam in the Bible, Angels in Evangelion are not literally the same as in the Bible, etc.  But there’s still a lot of meaning behind how these Biblical references are used that can’t be mere coincidence.  For example, towards the end of the series it’s revealed that human being are actually half angel (or rather the spawn of a different angelic being than the angels in canon, it’s a bit more complicated than this but let’s simplify it for the sake of making this intelligible), which is why the “pure” angels are trying to wipe us out.  In the book of Enoch, a fairly obscure non-canonical Biblical text, some rebel angels come to earth and crossbreed with humanity, creating the nephilim, a race of half human/half angels.  Enoch posits that this is the specific crime that makes God destroy the earth in a flood.  Now, how does End of Evangelion end?  With humanity being destroyed and the earth flooded with their liquid remains, save for one surviving pair that is composed of one boy and one girl.  It’s not a 1:1 allusion, but it would be one HELL of a coincidence that this story is so similar to an obscure non-canonical Biblical work.

And if we do accept the allusions as having some meaning, they actually work with the show’s themes fairly well.  The Book of Enoch’s whole purpose is to explain why God hated humanity enough to destroy it, and the feeling that a higher, cosmic power hates us for some inexplicable reason is at the core of Evangelion.  Evangelion’s whole purpose is to find an answer for why we hate and destroy ourselves, and how we, like Noah, might find a way to save ourselves from this seemingly inevitable flood of doom.  Making an allusion to another stories that try to explain that - not just the Book of Enoch, but to similar Biblical stories about the origin and nature of humanity’s sin and God’s scorn, like the Genesis tale of Adam and Eve (or, as Evangelion substitutes, Adam and his semi-canonical first wife, Lilith) - is inherently meaningful.  It’s on topic, and in the context of these allusions we get a clearer view of what Evangelion is trying to say about human nature.  It’s not necessarily a Christian story, but its allusions to Abrahamic religion aren’t devoid of meaning.

[nerdylittleshit]

Thoughts about Spn 14x14

BEWARE! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS!

We’re back, baby! I admit that I didn’t miss Supernatural that much during the mini-hiatus. I mentioned this before, but the season’s myth-arc around Michael isn’t that interesting to me. So, this episode was a huge surprise in what it did and where they went, which I didn’t expect at all, and makes me a lot more curious and excited about the rest of the season. There were a lot of great character moments and lots to speculate about, so without further ado let’s talk about it.

Good old fashioned lover boy

There was a lot of queer subtext (and actually text) thanks to our queer coded villain, Noah. This starts with the very first scene in the way Noah is dressed and moves, and the music in the background, which are all very campy, and it is confirmed when we learn that our monster has to kiss its victims in order to paralyse them. Of course it is always problematic if the only openly queer character of the episode is the actual villain and the only kiss we see between two men is an act of violence. Both Dean and Cas are connected to Noah, both in a supposedly romantic way. The letter Noah writes is addressed to Dean, a love letter if you want, especially after Dean himself frames it that way, saying that the reason Cas isn’t mentioned is because he is not Noah’s type. Cas however is later the only one of our team who gets kissed by Noah. However his interaction with Jack isn’t framed at all romantic or sexual, which makes his interactions with both Dean and Cas even more significant.

Noah himself later admits that he isn’t interest in men only, but that in times were women are more cautious it is easier to seduce men. It is possible that Noah, a Gorgon, simply isn’t interested in the gender of his victims, but it is also possible that he is attracted to both genders, making him bisexual.

A wee witch

First of all I wish Rowena would be in more episodes, because I love her interactions with Team Free Will. She spends most of her time however with Sam (even pretending to be a couple, a great day for all Sam and Rowena shippers), despite knowing he is the one who kills her. I think it gives her some sort of security (as she mentions when Michael threatens her) when she is in danger, but she also knows that Sam would never make her purposefully suffer or hurt her. It is also an insurance, knowing that if she ever crosses a certain line Sam will stop her. However, with the death of Michael, the question is if fate can be rewritten, and Rowena might die in a different way altogether.

We also see how much Rowena has changed. We see her asking Sam uncomfortable questions about Jack and Dean, and see her calling out Sam once she learns what kind of magic they used to heal Jack. It is the kind of magic she would have used, but then, as she reminds us, until very recently she was the villain. And this really changes the perspective of how we view the characters. This time Rowena is the one warning them and calling them out for what they done. She is the one manipulated by Michael because he knows that she cares about the Winchesters. (And how great was Ruth as Michael?) Rowena’s biggest concern all episode was Jack, and the kind of magic they used to save him, so that is what we as an audience should be concerned about as well.

The chicken and the snake

Before we come to that scene, let’s talk about Jack and his morality and how he defines himself. While they still try to find out who killed those men Jack says it doesn’t matter if it was a supernatural creature or a human, he is a monster nevertheless, because of what he did. To Jack it is important what someone does, not what someone is. And yet the question that gets constantly asked throughout the episode is: What is Jack?

They figure out that the reason why Noah couldn’t see Cas and Jack is because they are angels. Jack says he is not an angel, which is technically true, but he is not a human either. When Noah sees him it is implied that Noah can see his fate (or maybe just the near future), because Noah himself is not sure what Jack is, telling him the story of the chicken and the snake. Is Jack the snake, therefore the villain, or is Jack the chicken, the one willing to sacrifice something he loves (his soul) in order to protect others? It would seem at first that Jack is the chicken, the one willing to sacrifice his soul to save the people he loves.

And yet… Jack keeps the snake for one thing. The snake of course is associated with Lucifer and Jack himself reminds us that he is the son of Lucifer. He also defines himself as a hunter and most importantly (because he mentions it at last) as a Winchester. Which means he is part of the family and one of the good guys. But the episode did question if the Winchesters are still the good guys after all, especially in regards of what they did to Jack.  

It did seem that Jack was more powerful than Michael in the end (the lore said that a Nephilim is more powerful than an Archangel), but the power he used came from his soul. Did Jack consume all of his soul in order to defeat Michael? He did consume Michael’s grace, which gave him power again, but we know that archangel grace alone can’t save him (see Gabriel’s grace). And the question is still what happened to his soul, something that the next episodes will answer.

In the end Jack answer the question himself: I’m me again. But who is Jack? Could it be that by destroying Michael Jack became an even bigger monster? Are the Winchesters the ones who in the end have to sacrifice the person they love, their child, in order to save the world?

The question of Jack’s nature is also part of the conversation he has with Cas. Cas refers to the both of them as “things like us”, reminding Jack again that they are not human and that it is their burden to watch their human friends die one day. It seems like Cas has given this a lot of thought over the years, knowing that Sam and Dean as hunters can die every day. It is possible that until Jack was born he had planned to follow them into heaven perhaps, but now he has a promise to keep, to keep Jack safe and to stay with him. It is reminder that both Cas and Jack are other, that they are not human, but their found family is.

Some things about Dean: It doesn’t really make sense that they brought Dean all the way back to the bunker after his head injury, instead of a hospital or the nearest motel. Of course Dean needed to be in the bunker so that Michael, once free again, could after all kill all the hunters from the Apocalypse world, the ones who had tried escaping him for so long. An injury like that and Dean losing his conscious was bound to happen in his job, and yet Dean will blame himself for everything that Michael did.

And one last thing: Everything means something.

Til next week <3

[bladehymn]

N.B. this timeline works under the assumption that “2000 years ago” refers to 2000 years prior to the four continents of Eos adopting the same calendar system in 1 ME, rather than 2000 years prior to the fall of Insomnia in 756 ME.

Unknown day, March 2024 AE

Drago’s father, a hunter by trade, is killed in the field. 

28th March, 2024 AE

Adira learns her husband was killed when his dogtags and lance are returned to her. The lance is hidden away in storage, but serves as the basis for Liulfr Jeri in the future.

April 19th, 2024 AE.

Drago is born in Baloren.

2023 AE.

Gentiana Nox Fleuret is born in Tenebrae.

May, 2016 AE.

His younger brother, Uri, dies at age 5 from Starscourge. Drago begins, despite his mother’s wishes, to train as a warrior, spurred on by a sense it is his rightful place in the back of his mind.

2006, AE.

On completing his training, Drago creates Liulfr Jeri. He requests the help of a knowledgeable smith, but still assists in the forging of the weapon.

March 1999 AE.

The same compulsion that drove Drago to become a warrior returns, spurring him to travel to what would become the Gralean continent. He is driven by an insane desire, barely sleeping or eating as the urge grows louder, only quieting when he travels.

April 1999, AE.

The war god Bahamut descends on humanity and declares Gentiana Nox Fleuret to be the first Oracle, gifting her his trident and granting her the capacity to heal the Scourge through holy magic. At this time, he also declared Ardyn Izunia to be the first King of Lucis and chosen of the Crystal.

June, 1999 AE.

Drago arrives at a disused shrine, far to the southwest of Gralea. It is here the god Bahamut reveals himself to be the source of the compulsion, bestowing on him the blessing of the Bladekeeper and a facsimile of the Ultima Blade. Drago is then told it is his divine destiny to protect the First Oracle and that he should seek her out immediately, as is the will of Bahamut.

July, 1999 AE.

Gentiana Nox Fleuret announces she will undertake a pilgrimage to commune with the gods throughout Eos and the surrounding lands. As she cannot travel alone, she announces a three month long combat tournament to find the warrior most capable of protecting her. Their prize is to be the guard who will personally accompany her on her quest, as well as a gift of her own discretion.

October, 1999 AE.

Drago wins the tournament, besting all competitors as well as Gentiana’s house guard when she wishes to test him further. He is named the personal guard to the first Oracle and is given quarters on the Fenestala estate.

November, 1999 AE.

On their visit to Bahamut’s temple, first of the pilgrimage, it is revealed following an altercation with monsters and Bahamut’s own intercession into Gentiana’s communion that, like the Oracle, Drago was also blessed by an Astral. Her personal trust won for his courage and honesty, Gentiana gifts him with her eternal thanks and Orion, a trident styled after her own.

late January, 1998 AE.

Ardyn is rejected by the Crystal following the healings of the Scourge he has performed. Quick to seize on his brother’s failure, Judah Izunia, under the guise of ridding Lucis of true darkness and evil, had his brother executed as a public event, timed to the end of winter that the coming days of longer light would look to all the world that darkness had been extinguished. Following this, Judah renamed himself Somnus Lucis Caelum, the Founder King.

1998 AE.

Somnus and Gilgamesh join the pilgrimage. Drago is mistrustful of both, but more openly so towards Gilgamesh. Despite his misgivings towards Somnus and his rule, Drago is aware of his place in the world and so behaves civilly, if cooly, around Somnus.

July, 1998 AE.

The feelings Gentiana and Drago have been building over the course of their time together come to a head, and the two begin a relationship, keeping it secret from both Somnus and Gilgamesh.

1997 AE.

Somnus proves himself to the Astrals, and is granted the Crystal by Bahamut.

December, 1996 AE.

Bahamut comes to Gentiana and informs her she must bear a child to continue the line of the Oracle, one that will be able to withstand the power of gods and wield his trident. He possesses Drago and eventually impregnates her, ensuring the Nox Fleuret line will hold the strength needed to work in tandem with the Chosen King. Although both Drago and Gentiana remain unaware of it, it was for this reason Bahamut blessed Drago, that he might be able to serve as a vessel and allow Bahamut to act on his desire.

April 1995 AE.

Drago and Gentiana are married in a highly publicised event, to both raise Tenebraen morale and avoid the possibility of the Nox Fleuret heir being born out of wedlock. As well as rings, more personal gifts are exchanged; Drago gifts Gentiana a handmade necklace fashioned in traditional Baloren style and Gentiana gifts Rhongomiant, a ceremonial trident crafted from meteor metal and starlight drawn from her own magic. While Drago does not use it in battle, it is blessed by the might of the Oracle that it’s wielder always be victorious in combat.

September, 1995 AE.

Calliope Nox Fleuret is born, sole daughter of Gentiana and future Oracle.

January, 1977 AE.

Her health degenerating following her many years of healing the Scourge, blinded, near robbed of her voice, and unable to walk without aid, Gentiana commits suicide by stabbing herself with a dagger and walking into a half-frozen river by a Glacian temple. She takes only Somnus with her, leaving Drago at Fenestala. Her body is not found until the river is thawed.

late February, 1977 AE.

Gentiana’s body is found. Drago learns she was last seen with Somnus and, incorrectly assuming her injuries to be the result of murder, challenges Somnus in a fit of mourning rage. Blinded by emotion, he is no match for the Founder King and is impaled through the heart by his own spear. In a fit of jealousy toward their relationship, Somnus disobeys Gentiana’s last wishes to have her Sword interred with her on his death and has Drago buried in an unmarked grave, far away from the Oracle’s tomb.

April, 1977 AE.

All of Tenebrae mourns the loss of their Oracle, with Somnus erecting statues of her in the Lucian Citadel. Drago’s fate is unknown, with rumours ranging from it being him who was responsible for Gentiana’s death to him abandoning his post and leaving Tenebrae to never return. By Somnus’ order, all mention of Drago is struck from official records, erasing the Sword of the Oracle from history; the title remains only in unofficial stories, tales of the First Oracle spread by word of mouth, and rumours there was once a Sword to match the King’s Shield. Even these rumours do not portray Drago positively; although uncertain, it is suggested in them that the Sword went mad, or murderous, or both, and the title was erased that such a tragedy may never repeat itself again.

1 ME.

Niflheim, Lucis, Accordo, and Tenebrae all elect to use the same calendar system.

September 4th, 731 ME.

Lunafreya Nox Fleuret is born. Shiva, in the guise of Gentiana and posing as a High Messenger, moves into Fenestala Manor.

732 ME.

Rumours circulating about a ghost in Tenebrae reach an all time high. Many believe it to be the ghost of King Mors, or a soldier from the annexing of Tenebrae in 349 ME.

744 ME. 

Fenestala Manor is attacked by Niflheim forces. Queen Sylva Nox Fleuret is killed and Ravus and Lunafreya fall into imperial custody.

745 ME.

Shiva’s giantess form is killed by Niflheim forces in Ghorovas Rift.

748 ME.

Lunafreya becomes the youngest Oracle in recorded history at 16.

17th May, 756 ME.

Insomnia falls and Noctis Lucis Caelum becomes the 114th King of Lucis.

[perpetually-jungshook]

Without You: Bloodstone (Part 22)

Genre: AU, bts!werewolf, fantasy, angst

Warnings: language, violence, suggestive content

Word Count: 2.3k

Summary: Werewolves, contrary to popular belief, are usually gentle creatures. Except for a very specific set of circumstances, they would never hurt a human (on purpose). The few unfortunate times when mistakes were made put a permanent dark mark on the beasts and people began labeling them as monsters. What the human population failed to recognize was the fact that they were protecting us from something much more sinister. Luckily, a few survived and the gene was passed down hereditarily until one day finding its way to me… in the form of my best friend.

Link to: Storyboard (reference pictures) | General lore post | Intimacy lore post Prologue | Previous | Masterlist | Next

Loyalty is often as blind as justice should be, as unstable as a lightning storm ought to be, and as misplaced as an opinion in the truth.

Chapter 22:

As soon as Munhee brings most of my personal effects from Jungkook’s room, I manage to take a shower and wash away some of the dirt and dried blood. The small rivulets of discolored water inevitably draw my attention to my arm. I can’t help but stare at the dark marks that penetrate my skin, knotted scar tissue, mapping the places I’d been torn open by his teeth. I reach up, delicately tracing my finger tip across the unnatural dips and rises. I can’t feel myself touching them, but for some reason, the flesh around the marks is sensitive enough to make me shiver.

Half of me wants to sleep, the other half can’t seem to settle down.

I shut off the water and take my time drying myself and getting dressed. I have nowhere to be, after all. My only job right now is to wait. Maybe I can practice some magic.

Rolling onto the newly made bed, my limbs feeling like they’re stuffed full of those… oh what are they… the little things bean bag chairs. Micro beads? Foam pellets? Why am I focusing on this? I groan and turn onto my side, letting my hand fall open so my palm faces up.

The green flame flickers to life and slowly spreads, dancing almost lazily. Probably tiredly.

I wish Munhee would teach me something other than revelation magic. An image of the white flame conjures behind my eyelids. No. That probably won’t come for years. Munhee was exhausted after using it for mere seconds. I can’t even imagine how much energy that might have taken. The pink flame I’d seen earlier comes to mind. Medicinal magic? She’d used those flowers… Calendulas? Maybe the stones and herbs make different colors. Or would they all be pink? I smile at the thought. At least this is keeping my mind off of-

Thud.

I sit up, attention darting to the opposite wall. That has to be Jimin. But what is he doing? Throwing himself against it? I wait and listen to the quiet, disturbed only by the white noise of the vent circulating cold air and the rhythmic sound of water dripping.

I can’t help but think of Jungkook when we were first brought down to the bunker, chained up to the wall. Jimin is an older werewolf, so he would have more control. But does the second imprint cause wolves to revert back to that feral desperation?

Curiosity gets the better of me and I force myself to stand up.

The door isn’t locked, and this fact causes me to feel a bit safer. Munhee didn’t feel the need to segregate me completely. Or trap me. The thought is unwelcome so I push it aside in favor of slowly making my way down the hall to the next door.

It’s eerily quiet, but not the chill inducing silence that surrounds a demon. Maybe everyone is outside.

Thud.

Jumping back in surprise, my shoulder hits the concrete wall. That had sounded a lot closer than I thought it would. Maybe Jimin isn’t actually restrained. Or worse, maybe he had been restrained and broke free.

For a moment, I consider returning to Jungk- to my new room. I’m playing with fire. But then again, I do that all the time.

“Jimin?” I whisper, slowly pushing myself away from the wall.

He can probably hear me, wolf form or not, but there’s a pause. A long one.

“Eun,” I recognize his voice immediately, though it’s severely muffled and subtly hoarse. “Open the door.”

My eyebrows knit.

“Why can’t you open it?”

Obviously, it’s locked. Otherwise he wouldn’t have asked. Well, he didn’t ask. He demanded. I take a deep breath, trying to quell the resentment that’s growing in my chest. I want to say there’s some sort of explanation for his behavior besides selfishness, but no answer seems adequate for mauling me, for treating me like this.

“Open the door.”

My heart aches and my injured arm seems to throb. I’m not sure if it’s some kind of supernatural, intimate bond connection to Jimin’s frustration or if it’s in my head. Whatever the case, I’m tired of letting him walk all over me. He’s not Jungkook. He’s not my friend.

“Give me one good reason,” I say, tone hopefully firm.

There’s another pause, then a soft whimper. He transformed.

“Jimin.”

Thud.

The scratching is quiet at first, but grows in volume and desperation. I look down the hall again and, finding no one, step closer to the wall, leaning against it.

“Calm down. Tell me why you want me to open the door.”

A few seconds pass and I’m surprised to hear his voice, “I need to see you. Please.”

I’m an idiot. A blind, trusting, only-sees-the-good-in-everyone idiot. I could leave the bunker. I could go back to my room. I could wait for Munhee. But no. My throat pinches as I pick what must be the stupidest option available. I walk over to the door, turn the deadbolt, and open it.

It takes a few seconds for me to realize I’m not being mauled or tackled or attacked. My body relaxes out of its tense flinch. Until I see Jimin.

His clothes are shredded, body visibly trembling, skin painted in various shades of reds and purples, and for the first time I see in his eyes something that isn’t disgust, anger, or hate- though I can’t quite place a name to the emotion. The corners of Jimin’s lips twitch up in the ghost of a smile.

“Hi,” his voice cracks.

“Hi.”

What quality dialogue. I sigh and lean against the door frame, half exhausted, half trying to hide myself behind it. Why do I keep giving into them? First Jungkook and now Jimin. At least Jungkook only wanted to protect me. I have no idea what Jimin’s intentions are.

The boy with the coffee colored hair takes abruptly step forward, making me shrink back.

“Stay where you are,” there’s authority in my voice, the same type I used with Jungkook when we were training. If Jimin has imprinted on me, it would only make sense that he would listen, right? Wrong.

Jimin continues forward as if I hadn’t even said anything. He stops just before the invisible line I’d set subconsciously that would’ve caused me to slam and lock the door. Leaning heavily against the wall for support, his gaze never leaves mine.

“Munhee doesn’t know your here. Does she,” it’s less of a question than a statement and makes me want to grimace.

Of course he won’t ask if I’m alright. Why would I expect that from someone like him?

“No, she doesn’t.”

Jimin lifts his hand as if he’s going to touch my face, but I back up immediately, retreating into the hallway. I don’t have time to close the door. Jimin steps past it without a second thought, his arm resting on the doorframe, still supporting himself. There’s a slight sway in the way he’s standing. An unbalance.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” his voice is just a whisper as his eyebrows knit, not in confusion but concentration.

“That’s a lie,” my heartbeat starts to thrum in my ears. “You bit me.”

Jimin visibly stiffens, “It was an accident.”

“Werewolves don’t bite humans on accident. Not even when they’re feral.”

“Okay, you’re right but-”

I search Jimin’s expression for something I’ve never been able to find. Remorse? Guilt? I interrupt him, “There’s nothing you can say that’ll change what you did. I’m sure you know exactly what the consequences are.”

He swallows audibly, “Yeah.”

“That’s all you have to say?” the words slip out before I can stop them.

Jimin’s gaze drops to the floor, lips pursing subtly, “What else do you want from me?”

“An apology,” at this point, I’ve given up all forms of honorifics and pleasantries with him, but I try to keep the spite out of my tone, instead using breathy exasperation. Out of all the things he’s done, at the very least I want to think he’s sorry about it.

Jimin says nothing.

The sound of air blowing from the ventilation system and a distant dripping of water are unsettlingly loud.

“So that’s that then,” I sigh, chest aching. “You can’t even give me that much.”

“I’m not going to pretend to regret something.”

“But you’ll lie about doing it on purpose.”

Jimin takes a shaky breath, reaching up to push his hair back, away from his eyes, “I’m sorry. There.”

“You don’t mean it.”

His upper lip twitches in what I can only assume is annoyance, “So you want me to apologize, but the one I give you isn’t enough?”

I’m about to respond, but Jimin’s attention flicks sideways, causing me to look as well. One of the mistletoe double doors opens and Munhee enters. She sees us immediately, her expression contorting in anger, “What are you doing out?”

There’s no confusion who she’s addressing. Jimin pushes himself off of the door frame, whole body suddenly rigid. A low growl claws up his throat, “You locked me in my fucking room.”

Munhee quickly looks me up and down, assessing the situation, probably searching for injuries. Her tone is tart and as she bends down to adjust her boot, I see the glint of the sliver knife. She slips the weapon into her sleeve. There’s no way Jimin didn’t see it too.

“I was afraid you’d do something to Eun.”

“Does it look like I hurt her?”

Munhee pauses as if she’s confused, a small crease forming between her eyebrows, “Is that supposed to be a trick question? You bit her. Now get back in your room so I can clean up the mess you made. Again.”

I glance at Jimin and almost feel bad. She’s practically openly threatening him with a knife. For the boy with the coffee colored hair, this place seems to be as much of a prison as I originally feared it would be for Jungkook and me. His gaze meets mine for a moment before he, without further protest, returns to his room, slamming the door behind him.

Munhee relaxes, the point of the knife appearing behind the hem of her sleeve before she bends down to place it back in her shoe. At first, I expect some kind of lecture about letting Jimin out. I also expect her to lock the door again. But she does neither of these things, instead pulling some crumpled yellow flowers from her pocket.

“Go sit down on your bed. I’m going to try to get rid of more of that scar tissue.”

“Thank you,” I give her a polite bow before she leads the way into my room.

I try to get comfortable with my back against the wall, letting my arm rest in Munhee’s lap. She sits beside me, examining the scars. The flowers are resting in a pile on her thigh, all but one, which she crushes in her hand. The pink flame blossoms and she presses it against my forearm.

“Is that healing magic?”

“Sort of,” Munhee sounds less aloof than distracted, but both tones are present. “Think of it more like a reaction. I’m sure you’ve read about it somewhere, but magic can be classified into five main types. Revelation, sigil, reactive, summoning, and dissipative. Any ‘spell,’ ‘potion,’ or whatever other term you want to label it… they’re all a mix of these categories.”

“Do all of them look like fire?”

“No, dissipative and summoning magic show in the eyes. It’s why wolves’ eyes turn yellow when they’re feral.”

I’m a bit surprised, “But wait, you said werewolves weren’t magic like… what we practice.”

“That’s true. The wolf part of their bodies is something that we can’t do- transformation, but their mind, the feral part, the spirit, is summoning magic.”

Well huh. That makes sense.

I’m about to ask another question when a knock on the door interrupts me. Munhee stiffens, the pink flame extinguishing, “Jimin, I fucking swear-”

“Noona?”

The voice makes me perk up. Jungkook?

Munhee relaxes again, but looks a little more tired than before, “You okay?”

“Yeah… may I speak to Eun?”

My heart flutters with a strange mix of nervous anticipation and excitement.

“You know what Jimin will do if he finds out you’re here right?”

“Yes.”

Munhee looks down at my arm. The scar tissue is less pronounced, not as dark and angry, and I begin to wonder if she’ll eventually be able to make it disappear altogether. She picks up the flowers, dropping them carefully in her pocket again.

“Alright, I’m sure you two have some stuff to talk about. I’ll be down the hall in the living room if you need me,” she excuses herself, opening the door and stepping aside to let Jungkook in. His eyes immediately flick around the room as if looking for immediate danger. Then they settle on me and he softens.

He bends into a deep bow as the door closes, leaving us alone, “Eun-ssi, I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you.”

Jungkook never uses that honorific with me, unless he feels he’s made an unacceptable error. My heart hurts, chest pinching tightly. I want to get up and comfort him, but something about the action seems out of place.

“It’s okay, Kookie,” I give him my best, most reassuring smile. “I’m alright see?”

I hold up my arm.

“No bleeding. I’ll probably be a little bruised but-”

“It’s not just that though,” Jungkook stays an uncomfortably large distance away, considering we’ve spent the last couple months sleeping in the same bed with him practically wrapped around me. He seems to choke on his words for a moment, black hair falling in front of his eyes as he hangs his head. “I loved you.”

✩✩✩♔✩✩✩

A/N: HECK YES. Bloodstone is back. Hopefully I’ll be posting with more regularity now that I’ll no longer be working. Thanks for reading~

Send me your theories/questions here. Or just come say hi ;)

Support me/Donate and get some super rad 😎 rewards

Much love ~🐰 xx

[babygirl06301]

I wanna talk about That Scene™

in 13x03, and I’m gonna do it line by line, so are you with me? (using this video posted by @lostboycas for reference) It’s gonna be long.

TL;DR: Just read the emboldened bits

By the way, this post is gonna endorse the hell out of Destiel, so if you don’t ship it, please don’t tarnish this post with hatred. Live and let love, dudes.

I’m going through the whole shebang and sheboozle, so we’re starting with:

D: [giving a reason as to why he said he’d kill Jack] I told him the truth. See, you think you can use this freak, but I know how this ends, and it ends bad.

S: I didn’t.

D: What?

S: I didn’t end bad... when I was the “freak,” when I was drinking demon blood.

D: Come on, man, that’s totally different.

S: Was it? Because you could’ve put a bullet in me. Dad told you to put a bullet in me, but you didn’t. You saved me. So, help me save him. 

So, this piece of the conversation kind of hurt me a little bit because I feel like Dean regressed back to the Dean he used to be, which is sad. Not that Dean’s old self was bad, it’s just that he’s grown so much since then. He’s a lot more accepting of monsters and demons and “freaks” if he can be convinced they’re not evil.

Now, of course, I understand why he’s harboring such hostile opinions toward Jack (and if I didn’t understand, I got it loud and clear with this episode), but it’s sort of disheartening that he’d use the work “freak” in front of Sam after everything they’ve been through. 

However, I do appreciate that Sam stuck up for Jack here without hesitation. Especially since I’m sure he understands more than anybody else what Dean’s going through, whether you liken that to how Sam felt when he lost Jess and/or Sam just simply observing the connection that Cas and Dean have built over the years. I’m liking that Sam is connecting the most with Jack right now, despite S12 setting it up for Cas having that connection (which will come later, of course). I’m so glad that Sam has his own path/storyline again. I feel like it’s long overdue.

I’m gonna put the rest under the cut so I don’t spam you guys with a wall of post.

Next:

D: You deserved to be saved. He doesn’t.

S: Yes, he does, Dean. Of course he does.

So, I know we’re all talking about this scene/line mirroring this one:

(Shameless self-promo: this photo is from my side-blog, check it out here)

and a lot of people have been talking about this parallel. @chocolatedeathwarrior made a post about it that you can see here. I kind of want to talk about something in the same vain which is that Dean blames himself for Castiel’s death--not Jack.

I think the first place we see that this season is during this scene where the angel Dean is fighting tells him that Castiel is “all the way dead” because of him.

Knowing Dean, this was kind of what I expected to see as a reaction to Cas’s death. It’s still sad, though. I do think that he’s projecting his self-hatred onto Jack because he can’t handle his true thoughts, which are that he got Castiel killed. And as much as I wish he wouldn’t take it out on my little pumpkin, I can’t blame him. Losing somebody with whom you had that kind of connection with... Well, I’m just surprised he’s still standing. Long story short, that line of dialogue in 4x01 is most likely mirrored here because Dean didn’t think he deserved to be saved back then. And, in my head, he feels guilty that Cas saved him in the first place because then Cas wouldn’t be dead today. (i.e. “If I hadn’t broken the first seal in Hell, Cas could’ve left Earth the second he sprung me, and none of the rest would’ve happened) Just... Dean’s got demons, ya know?

Another thing I kind of want to focus on here is Sam’s response to Dean saying that Jack doesn’t deserve to be saved. To me, his response tells me he sees Jack as an innocent, and I’m assuming that’s the case because he saw himself as an innocent victim as well. But I find the differences between them even more compelling than their similarities. Sam was chosen, but Jack was born into his power. Sam was given power specifically to do evil, Jack’s powers are just assumed to be evil because of their volume and their origins. Sam embraced his powers (eventually), and Jack seems to be afraid of his powers. So, by and large, Jack seems to be even more of an innocent than Sam was. Which is why Dean needs to back the fuck up off my baby.

Moving on:

D: Look, I know you think that you can use him as some sort of an interdimensional can opener, and that’s fine. But don’t act like you care about him, because you only care about what he can do for you. So, if you want to pretend, that’s fine. But me? I can hardly look at the kid. ‘Cause when I do, all I see is everybody we’ve lost.

First of all, can we just take a look at Sam’s face here when Dean says that Sam just wants to use Jack for his own personal gain?

Like, why would you say that about his little moose? Mamma Moose is gonna fuck you up.

But, honestly, that face is both amazing (because you can tell Sam really does care about Jack) and sad (because Sam’s wondering if his big brother really thinks that he’s that selfish). I mean, of course Sam would like for Jack to bring Mary back, but I also believe he really does want to fulfill Kelly and Cas’s wishes for him. Not to mention, he can connect with Jack on a level he hasn’t been able to with anybody else.

Which brings up an interesting tangent that I’m going to go on now:

Why is it that Sam, of all people, is doing what Castiel would’ve wanted? Not that it’s out of character for Sam, but don’t you think that it’d be more in character for Dean to do so because of the bond he and Cas shared? No. Because Dean not only blames Jack and blames himself, but he blames Cas. He’s furious that Cas put himself in a situation that got him killed. He’s pissed at Cas for being dead. And I don’t think Dean knows what to do with that.

Back on track:

S: Mom chose to take that shot at Lucifer. That is not on Jack.

D: And what about Cas?

S: What about Cas?

D: He manipulated him. He made him promises. Said “Paradise on Earth,” and Cas bought it. And you know what that got him? It got him dead! Now, you might be able to forget about that, but I can’t!

This is it. This is the moment everybody is talking about. Including me.

Okay, for one thing, he totally disregards Mary. “Fuck her, we’re talking about Cas. Keep up, Moose Man.” Like? Both of them were killed by Lucifer (he thinks), both of them chose to protect everything they were leaving behind, so? Maybe Dean reacted differently to Cas’s death because, oh, I don’t know, their bond isn’t familial? I mean, I’m just throwing that out there, but I dunno, maybe it could be a very fucking likely possibility?

Sidebar: I was discussing this with @tobythewise, and has Dean ever called Jack by name? Because I don’t think he has, and I imagine that’s in an effort to not humanize Jack in his mind. I assume he’d rather see Jack as a thing instead of as a person.

So, now, we’re gonna talk about a thing. A thing that the anti-Destiel fans may not enjoy. I’m gonna make a statement. And it’s gonna be pretty matter-of-fact. My conviction is pretty strong here. Are you prepared?

Literally, Dean has never reacted to a loved one’s death like this.

Look at the pain, the near panic in his eyes (and, no, that is not a Hercules reference).

Honestly, make a list. Make a list of the behaviors Dean exhibited immediately following each of these people’s deaths.

John (shuts it down, doesn’t talk about it until he’s dealt with most of it on his own, privately bashes in the Impala)

Sam (immediately takes action to bring him back to life after a very short, and still private, grieving period, essentially bypassing the opportunity to feel the loss of his brother)

Bobby (ignores the pain, denies the existence of Bobby’s spirit for a long period of time)

Ellen, Jo, and Ash (ignores the pain again, accepts their deaths as his fault as well as part of the job)

Kevin (same thing, blocks out the pain, privately trashes the bunker)

Charlie (same thing, puts up a wall, only briefly berates Sam for involving her in their dangerous lives)

Mom (assumes she’s dead, won’t talk about it, accepts the loss)

Crowley (accepts the loss again)

Castiel (prays to Chuck to bring him back, openly implies to a random angel that he wants to use Jack’s powers to get Cas back, publicly screams out his pain of losing Cas to Sam, knowing full well that Jack could potentially hear)

This isn’t to say that he isn’t trying to block out Cas’s death like he does with everybody else’s, but it isn’t fuckin’ workin’, is it, mate? 

And, I know. Dean has blocked out the pain of Castiel’s deaths or disappearances before, but that was because: their relationship wasn’t as developed as it is now, they just came out of a falling out, or he didn’t fucking block it out, and instead, he had dreams and nightmares about losing Cas.

So, basically, the point I’m trying to make here is that Dean is having a blown out reaction to losing Castiel, and I think it’s because he never got to say the things he needed to say to him. Things like “Thank you for everything you’ve done to save me” or “You don’t have to prove yourself to me” or “We need you here more than you realize” or “I love you.” You know, just... whatever.

Of course, it isn’t to say that Dean cares about Cas more than anybody else, because we know that’s not true. Sammy is #1, always. But it is to say that A, Castiel’s bond with Dean is significantly different than a friendship, family, or frenemy bond. B, because of that, he doesn’t know how to cope with the loss and C, the matter of the unrequited feelings and unsaid words is taking its toll.

Phew, that was a lot. I’ve only got one more thing to discuss here: Jack.

J: [whispers] Castiel. 

One thing I found kind of interesting/strange was Jack’s facial expression throughout this whole scene.

It’s very neutral, almost, right? I mean, it’s puzzled, sure, but given the context of the conversation between Sam and Dean, shouldn’t he be sad or mad or something? Seeing as how this dumpling is just like his dad, I get it . I mean, he’s new to the world, he doesn’t quite understand the “ebb and flow of human emotion” (Castiel, 2013), but he didn’t even react when Sam was defending him, which I found interesting. 

I made a post about this, but I’ll say it again here that Jack seems to value Dean’s opinion more than he does Sam’s. Just like Cas did. Not that Sam��s opinion is worthless, but still, Jack seems to want Dean’s approval more than he wants Sam’s. Maybe that’s because negative words reach people quicker than positive words? Maybe because Sam readily gave his approval, Jack feels he needs to focus on getting Dean’s? Maybe Jack’s connection to Cas bonded him to Dean in the same way Cas was bonded to Dean? (like how Amara used their connection to reach Dean in S11 *idea courtesy of @tobythewise.*)

The latter answer is my favorite because it reminds me that Cas learned how to be human from Dean, and what’s Jack been doing since hittin’ this green earth?

Exactly. Anyway, I find it really cute that Jack is looking up to Dean, but I also find it really sad that Dean is shutting him down like he is, and I also find it sad that Dean is in so much pain that it’s literally shooting out of him and hitting everything in sight.

So, then we see Cas. 

Here’s the thing: Jack needs Cas, yes. Jack could’ve subconsciously woken Castiel up because he wanted him back. But it’s pretty coincidental that Jack did so right after hearing Dean’s literal screams of pain for Cas. I hope Jack’s not thinking that bringing/having Cas back will make Dean accept him. I know that will probably be what happens, but I want Jack to bring Cas back just because he knows it’ll make Dean happy. Ya know? Hell, maybe both of those things are his motivation. Although, I don’t think he woke Cas up consciously. But! He did say earlier that using his powers were like breathing, so waking Cas up for Dean must of felt pretty natural to him, huh?

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got. I love, love, love this season so far. I love the Dabb era. I love that Castiel is getting the screen time and love that he deserves. I love that Jack is one of the best characters to ever join the show (which is impressive after 13 seasons). I love that Sam is a little Mamma Moose. I love that Dean is finally grieving Cas. I love it all. After a particularity grueling hellatus, I’m looking forward to more. Let me know your thoughts! 

[tyrantdk]

Would I lie to you ch 2

This chapter is def NSFW. You have all been warned. This is an entire flowing scene and the first time I pulled this off! Also warnings for fluffy draggo tails and draggo cuddles.

I forgot last chapter to explain Yugi’s god name. Slifer/Yugi is referred to as Usire, which is another name for the god Osiris. Slifer’s called Osiris in the Manga.

The Pharaoh raised an eyebrow as his court looked at him, and more particularly the being in his lap. Yugi straddled his lap, his tail curled around one of his arms. The minute the appendage had tangled about his right arm, he melted bonelessly onto his lap. Atem cared not what his court thought. He was becoming rather fond of the purr vibrating the other’s chest pleasantly against his own.

Yugi cuddled closer, pushing his face into the crook of the other’s neck. Atem smiled as he rubbed his tail softly. His gentle gesture was rewarded with a lazy nuzzle. He wished he could openly wonder at the soft downy feathers covering the appendage. As it stood, he couldn’t. Here, he had to act every bit the Pharaoh his father had raised him to be. Before them stood his six main advisors, and old Siamun, who was his unofficial seventh. With them he could take a moment to collect his thoughts, which was a wonderful cover for stroking Yugi’s tail.

“I have an announcement to make. Our great god-dragon, Usire, has heard my plea, and answered by bringing forth the rains. He asked for only one thing in return; my hand in marriage. The being in my lap is our beloved sky dragon, and we have already been wed. Please prepare for the official announcement to the people.” Atem spoke stoically. Yugi was sure he hated this tone of voice. There was no life in it! How could this be the same man who had trembled so nervously in his arms mere hours before?

“It shall be done, Per’a’ah.” Came the equally stoic reply from a bald priest. He smelled like the incense used in the rituals to Osiris, and natron. The priest next to him had short black hair, and smelled of natron, but also the scent of death. He had to be one of Anubis’. The priest in blue and gold carried himself so similarly to Atem, and he smelled a little like him, but there was a scent of cleanliness. A devotee of Ma’at with some royal blood in him Yugi surmised.

The oldest of the official advisors also smelled like Atem, but had the scent of blood and Nile mud on him. Sobek’s claim to this one could be seen and smelled. Then there was the magician from earlier. A devoted follower of Thoth, as Yugi could now smell the scent of old musty papyrus scrolls. The oldest smelled familiar to Yugi, and he realized why. The small old human was the physical vassal of Exodia.

Finally, there was the woman. She stood the closest to the throne, barely outside what would get her killed by the god-dragon. Yugi did not like her as much as the others. He could tell from their scents that they were not rivals. He could smell the affection the others had for Atem, but could tell it was not romantic. How he could was beyond him, but he supposed he could not care about any other being as long as Atem was stroking his tail.

“He is my mate! Stay away from him, Woman!” Yugi had hissed lowly. Atem turned to glance at Isis, to warn her away, but it was too late. The dragon’s angered scream turned into a thunderous roar as he leapt from Atem’s lap. The human form shifted, and the divine’s true form filled the courtroom. His massive scarlet coils seemed endless in the enclosed space. It was Usire who now made his displeasure known.

Atem leapt from his throne. Isis was stone before Usire’s fury. The massive head swung around wildly. Seto grabbed her first. He tossed her behind a pillar. The tail almost threw him into the nearby wall. Kareem pulled Isis from her spot. He pushed her closer to an exit. Mahado summoned his monster companion. The magician kept Usire distracted. Atem ordered his advisors out of the room immediately. All seven made for the nearest exit.

“Yugi, come to me.” Atem called as calmly as he could when his advisors had safely escaped. The massive scarlet head turned to him as a rumbling purr filled the room. He smiled as he knelt slowly down. He patted his folded knees, and held his arms open to the other. The dragon lowered his head, the larger of his mouths opening. A long pink tongue licked the ruler’s cheek. Usire laid down on the floor, head propped on Atem’s knees. The massive coils slowly shrank until he could fit in the courtroom comfortably.

There was something mystical about the ease Atem had in calming the raging god-dragon. He smoothed his hand over the scarlet scales reverently. Bright yellow eyes watched his every move. Atem leaned forward, draping his upper body over Usire’s snout. He hummed in response to the dragon’s purr. His eyes slid shut, as something awoke inside him.

His father once spoke of an inner divinity in each Pharaoh. He had explained to an enthralled Atem that each Pharaoh were divine in their own ways. This couldn’t be that, but what was it? It seemed so similar, almost like the thrum of magic that had surrounded him as he spoke his vow to Usire. It stemmed from an aching loneliness he had never noticed, or really felt before. Usire mewled at him softly as his hands wondered over his scaled face. Atem threw his head back and moaned.

This was spiritual, but it felt as intimate as going to the marshlands with the great dragon. Usire pushed into him gently. He fell back onto the cool stone floor. He moaned softly as the chill seeped into his body. Yugi was above him, seemingly just as dazed as he was. “What is this?” The Pharaoh asked breathlessly. He moaned loudly as some power crested within him, back arching up into the other’s form.

“Ma’at’s blessing on our union.” He answered just as breathless. “I need you.”

“Take me back to our room. I need you too.” Atem panted out between more moans and soft little mewls of pleasure. Yugi swept him into his arms, cradling him close. Boldly, he trailed kisses over Yugi’s neck and shoulder. Large wings burst from his back. Atem was amazed as he took in the scarlet and black appendages. With a flap of the strong wings, the pair were air borne. Yugi flew out into the hall and exited through a high window. The flight to their room was quick.

Yugi eagerly tossed Atem on their bed. He crawled onto the mattress, capturing merlot eyes with heated violet. He unclasped his belt, dropping it, then his bracers and anklets to the floor. The collar of topaz and ruby was removed with the utmost care, and laid on a nearby daybed. The cloak fluttered to the floor, followed by the rest of the divine’s clothing. He said nothing about Atem’s wondering gaze, or the darkening of his face. He merely smiled as he felt the shy, heated gaze on his cock.

He came over to him. He tugged gently at Atem’s own clothing. When the other made no move to stop him, Yugi began undressing his mate. His crown was tangled in his bangs, and Yugi untangled it with care. It ended up on the same daybed as the other’s collar. Atem’s jewelry landed on the floor, along with his cloak. Slowly, he slid his tunic up. Atem lifted his arms, helping remove the cloth. Violet eyes glanced at him as they searched his face. He relaxed his body as the other unwrapped his shenti.

A satisfied growl left Yugi as he took in his mate. He was perfect. His hands slid soothingly over the other’s sides before moving to stroke his strong thighs. He barely kept his instincts to spread his mate open and claim him at bay. He needed to fill Atem with his seed, his claim, and bind them forever more with his magic. Barely visible wisps of scarlet smoke bled from under Yugi’s skin. They caressed Atem, curling around him, and searching for a way into him.

Atem was flustered where he lay, submissive to the other above him. He wasn’t nervous about consummating their union any more, but was he pleasing to Yugi’s eyes? Whatever Ma’at’s blessing had awoken inside him called to the other. He needed to feel Yugi within him. His body ached in need at the thought of the other’s cock inside him. Violet eyes found his again, pinning them as warm palms cupped the back of his knees. Yugi spread them slowly before positioning his lower half carefully in his lap.

“Atem, may I?” He nodded, not trusting himself with words. “Say it. I cannot go to the marshlands with you unless you say it aloud. May I become one with you, my beautiful husband?”

“Yes.” Came the barely audible reply. Yugi captured his lips in a kiss. Atem sighed blissfully into it. He slid his hands up the other’s arms, over his shoulders, and tangled his fingers into Yugi’s hair. It flowed like silk from the Far East through his slender fingers. Yugi pulled away slowly, and moved to trail kisses down his mate’s throat. Atem shifted. A gasp of unexpected pleasure left him as his erection brushed against the god-dragon’s.

“Easy, treasure. One wrong move and I could hurt you. I never want to hurt you. Let me prepare your body for me?” Warm loving palms rubbed across his belly in small circles. Atem smiled. Yugi returned his gesture, dipping down to place a soft kiss on his lips.

“Please be gentle with me. My tutors made sure I knew all the ways one could…hunt in the marshlands, but I have never gone to them with someone else before.”

“I shall be as gentle as I can be.” Yugi returned to pressing kisses into the other’s skin. With a wave of his hand, a little clay bowl appeared by the left side of Atem’s hip. He lazily swirled a finger in the clear watery like fluid. “Try not to tense your body as I prepare you, Atem. Just trust me not to harm you and relax in my arms.” The finger disappeared from his view.

He gasped softly as the digit, now wet and slightly chilled, pressed into him. Atem wanted to tense, wanted to fight the intruding force, but he willed himself to relax. His husband would not harm him. Yugi pressed a little harder; his finger slid into his mate. He murmured soft nothings to him as he moved in and out, rubbing lubricant on his inner walls. He watched with wonder as Atem shivered when he added another lubed finger and finally a third. He built the pleasure for his husband as he prepared him in a relaxed, loving pace.

“Atem, are you ready for me? Can I claim you as mine and mine alone?” Atem looked up into Yugi’s eyes. His heart melted a little. He was giving him a chance to change his mind, to back out if he felt uncomfortable in any way. He wanted this marriage, Atem realized. He wanted the god-dragon. He wanted to belong with Yugi. Atem lifted his arms, shyly mumbling his answer. “Mine!”

Yugi slid into his mortal husband with little resistance. He intertwined their bodies flawlessly as he completely filled the other. Atem groaned softly below him. He froze as he was completely enveloped by the other’s body. Atem reached up, entangling his fingers in the silky hair. Yugi relaxed as he lowered himself. His mate kissed him gently, lips sliding wetly against his.

“Are you alright, Treasure?” He asked. Yugi stroked the side of his mate’s face.

“It feels so strange to have you inside me, but I am fine. Am I …Am I too tight?” Atem asked as the flush darkened across his dusky skin. Yugi rolled his hips, pressing his cock deeper without thrusting. A throaty moan was ripped from Atem as he tossed his head back into the pillows. He writhed beneath Yugi and the other absolutely loved it.

“No, my beautiful mate. You are perfect. I’m going to move.” He replied as he withdrew from the other’s body slightly. He started with a shallow, slow pace. He made sure the tip of his cock never left Atem’s opening. A purr left him as Atem started to fall into the rhythm with him. It was wonderful to become synchronized with another in their intimacy. The dragon’s magic caressed his mate as incoherent sounds left the other. Atem tired of their pace after some time. He tried to move a little faster.

“F-F-Faster, Yugi!” Atem managed to get out. Yugi did as bid, building the pace slowly. Atem’s hands wondered over the other, gentle fingers finding the wing slits in his skin. He softly ran his hands over the slits, making Yugi shiver and growl above him. The growl was the only warning Atem received as he sat up, bringing Atem with him. His cock slid deeper into his mate as the other moaned wantonly. Atem’s own erection was weeping pre-cum between them; the simulation making more fluid flow from the tip.

“Arms around my neck.” Yugi commanded as he watched his mate’s body. Atem complied quickly. Steel like hands clamped around his hips, lifting his body effortlessly. He moaned loudly as the sweet friction seemed to ease some of the tension in his groin. He screamed in pleasure as those hands slammed him down on his husband’s cock. His back bowed, throwing his head back. Yugi had lost it. He gave into his instincts. His mate could make no noise other than the constant string of moans as he was forced into total submission via intense pleasure. Yugi winced as the other let out an ear piercing scream. “Found it.”

“Yu-Yugi!” His poor mortal husband moaned out as he tried to keep pace. Yugi growled as one hand slipped from around his neck. He snatched it away from its mission to stroke Atem’s cock. He whimpered pitifully, not caring if it was unbecoming of Pharaoh.

“I know, Treasure, I know. Help me get us to the peak of our pleasure.” Unsure, but willing lips met Yugi’s. Atem rode the constant barrage on his body until white hot euphoria stole his sight. He felt more than saw his seed escape his erection to cover and brand Yugi’s skin. Yugi clutched him closer as he orgasmed, coating his core with his claim. His husband’s essence was warm inside one of the most intimate parts of his body. His lungs were on fire as if he had raced across the desert sands at the highest peak of Ra’s journey.

Atem’s body quivered as the other stroked his back gently. Purrs of contentment made Yugi’s chest vibrate pleasantly against his. He hummed in reply. Atem felt wonderful as he nuzzled into his neck. Pale fingers danced soothingly over his skin as Yugi held him in his lap. Atem shifted minutely. He gasped softly as he felt the other’s cock still rock hard within him. It felt as if there was also something anchored into his body, connecting them physically. He made to move, but hands tightened around his hips.

“Sh. You are the greatest treasure any dragon could ask for, Atem. Our coupling has caused me to knot with you!” Adoring butterfly kisses were placed on his face and neck. Atem sighed, resigning to having his divine husband inside him a little longer. The ‘anchor’ inside his body must have been Yugi’s knot. He had never known a dragon to have a hooked extension like this before. “I have taken lovers in the past, but not a single one were ever worthy of knotting. It seems only fitting that I knot with you, my beloved husband.”

“I am honored.” Atem mumbled sleepily. He felt pride well up inside him. He had done what no other being ever had. He was the only one to have the great god-dragon’s knot attached to him and his seed within his body. Atem hummed again, beginning to fight the heaviness of his eyes. The sated, happy sound was music to Yugi’s ears.

“Rest, Mate.” He spoke softly as he pressed a kiss into Atem’s hair. “Rest, Meri-I.”

[emeraldembers]

Looloo’s Horror Rec List!

Tagging @eatingcroutons​, @monstermonstre​ as requested <3.

SO. I apologise for how long this list took, but as it turns out, I have watched a slightly silly number of horror movies, and with it being such a varied genre, I didn’t want to accidentally rec a bunch of things people would end up hating or spoil the heck out of them during the reccing process, so. But it’s finished now, and I intend to try and keep it up to date as time goes by and I encounter more horror flicks worth watching. I’m also going to stick a little italicised bit after any movies I remember having potentially squicky/triggery stuff in for people who are okay with horror but not That Kind Of Horror.

Behind a cut because this is Quite A Lot Of Movies My Dudes.

- - -

Movies I’m reccing because they actually scared me:

* Alien

Yo, it’s a classic for a reason, and if I’m doing a rec list of horror movies, I’m determined to address all the movies I’d rec, regardless of the likelihood of everyone having seen it already. Fantastic characters who behave believably, the cold cruelty of both monsters and capitalism, slow builds that pay off, it’s just - it’s so dang good, from start to finish, and all the spoofs and parodies and homages in the world will never fully diminish its success as a genuinely scary movie. CW: Soooooo much imagery suggesting sexual violence.

* The Autopsy of Jane Doe

Brian Cox is a frigging awesome actor, and he and Emile Hirsch absolutely and 100% sell you on the affectionate but strained relationship between father and son in this brilliant little flick that makes you root for the leads so hard. It’s claustrophobic and creepy and made by how the leads actually use common sense for the majority of the movie, and while I will admit the ending wasn’t my favourite, that by no means spoiled the film for me. CW: Animal death, references to human trafficking and sexual violence.

* Hereditary

Oh man. This film is absolutely brutal emotionally, one of the most intense (and imho, accurate) depictions of the pain of mourning I’ve ever seen on screen, and the horror happening around all this pain is just... torture. It’s almost unbearable to watch, but I can’t deny how incredibly well-acted it is, or how frightening it is. For quite a few people the ending doesn’t stick - people feel it over-explains itself - but I personally felt it worked. CW: graphic child death, graphic animal death.

* Jacob’s Ladder

This is such a weird and wonderful creation and I am so, so happy that I found it during the height of my Silent Hill fangirling days. It’s like watching a dream - sometimes quiet and comforting, sometimes loud and terrifying, and the movie just has this magnificent atmosphere of paranoia. It’s unlike any other horror movie I’ve seen in terms of it successfully pulling off the nightmare effect (controversial but true, I’m not a fan of Suspiria, though I appreciate several of the works it inspired). CW: Some imagery suggesting sexual violence.

* Kill List

Please, pretty please watch this without spoilers if you can. The less you know about it going in, the better. It’s a slow build, with the first half of the film playing out more or less like a kitchen sink drama with occasional bursts of explicit violence, but the payoff is worth it imho. CW: Mentions of paedophilia, violence against children.

* The Orphanage

This Spanish language flick is tragic, beautiful, and absolutely bloody terrifying on a first watch. It’s the only film that’s ever made me scream in fright, and is without a doubt the scariest movie I have watched to date: CW: Jaw trauma, child deaths.

* The Thing (1982)

God, I cannot describe how much I loved finally sitting down and watching this movie and realising that for all that I had seen the majority of the transformation and body horror sequences in it, it was still scary. Thanks to the sense of paranoia, and how many times you’re left waiting for something to happen, knowing something is about to happen, on a first watch it’s got some truly chilling moments and it deserves its status as a known classic.

- - -

Movies I’m reccing because they may not have scared me but they sure left a lingering something behind:

* Kairo (also known as Pulse)

Pretend there was never a remake because jfc the ball on that one got dropped harder than Vin Diesel’s voice during puberty. Kairo is utterly and completely bleak and depressing but the bleak and depressing nature of it is what makes the horror in it work. Watching the world in Kairo go quieter and emptier over time is distressing in the strangest of ways, and - fun fact - this film gave me one of the weirdest fears of all time, because now I have nightmares about windows and doors surrounded by red tape. As you do. CW: Suicide depicted explicitly and frequently.

* Lake Mungo

This flick and the Marble Hornets series on youtube are the only things I’ve seen using the found footage format that I felt really got its potential. Plenty of movies have had fun with it, and I’m grateful to The Blair Witch Project for popularising it, but a lot of the time it feels like long periods of nothing then suddenly All Of The Things. This one is a lot subtler about building an increasing sense of dread, and handling the subject matter in a way that feels very, very real for once. It’s fab.

* Let the Right One In

The English language remake, Let Me In, is apparently pretty good? But I haven’t seen it, so I’m going off the original here. And it’s a flaming beautiful film. It’s discomforting and its balance of achingly sweet and tender moments with brutally violent moments is perfect. There’s a bleakness to it that might put some people off, but it’s just gorgeous in my eyes, and I’m very, very fond. CW: Strongly implied paedophilia.

* The Mist

This is a perfect example of how you don’t necessarily have to have the best CGI if you have a great cast. I could never watch it again because it left me so shaken and upset at the end, but some of the imagery in it is just astonishingly haunting, like the best entries of SCP brought to life, and I have to commend it for being one of the classiest adaptations of Stephen King’s work to date. CW: Assisted suicides.

* Session 9

This is a bit of a weird one to put down on a rec list because I personally didn’t enjoy it, but I can’t say that it didn’t leave a lasting impression. There’s a sense of discomfort and wrongness that permeates the film, and it leaves a sort of... almost a slimy coating of creepiness all over you by the time it’s finished. CW: ~Creepy mental hospital~ setting, ableism ahoy.

* The Vvitch

I will admit that in retrospect, I do think this is a little overrated, but only a little, aaaaaand also I may as well admit that there is something about Kate Dickie’s acting that I hate. I have nothing against her as a person! I just don’t personally think she’s a good actress. That being said, everyone else in this movie, especially the children, did a brilliant job. It’s an uneasy watch from the start and only gets more uneasy as it goes on, and I love how straight it played its central concept. What elevates it for me in particular though is the ending, which I openly admit I did not see coming, and was delighted with. CW: Child deaths, strongly implied paedophilia.

- - -

Movies I’m reccing because they were just dang good and didn’t fit into the above categories:

* 28 Days Later

Not to be crude but I wish I could turn this film into body butter just so I could smear it all over me. Flawless cast, an adrenaline rush of a movie that I could watch a hundred times and never tire of, and the climax of the movie is straight up one of my favourite endings ever for its heart in throat intensity. CW: Suicides, threats of sexual violence.

* The Babadook

All Netflix categorisation jokes aside, I genuinely adored this movie. The leads are so well acted and I love their characterisation; it also has one of the best depictions of mental illness in childhood I’ve ever seen (second only to the little girl in Don't Be Afraid of the Dark 2010, whose portrayal of childhood depression resonated with me so strongly I couldn’t finish watching the movie). Also, for frigging once, the portrayal of mental illness is sympathetic, and people suffering from it get shown at their best, not just their worst.

* Coraline

To be honest, a lot of children’s movies are more successful at getting a reaction out of me than “grown-up” movies - All Dogs Go To Heaven’s hell sequence still unsettles me to this day - and Coraline is one of the rarities that plays out almost entirely as straight horror from start to finish. As per all things Laika it’s gorgeously animated, and the progression from eerie to nightmarish as the movie progresses is fantastic. CW: References to children’s deaths.

* Dog Soldiers, Ginger Snaps

It might seem an odd choice to pair these two up, but I couldn’t rec one without the other because to me they’re two sides of the same coin - violent werewolf movies with a wicked sense of humour, one focused on the relationships between men, the other on the relationships between women - and because of both the tone and the subject matter, I think Ginger Snaps makes a better pairing with Dog Soldiers than The Descent.

* Get Out

There’s very little I can say about this film that hasn’t been said already; it’s a film that uses humour like a knife, it’s a masterpiece in building discomfort and tension, and every single actor in it is top notch. It’s impossible not to root for the main character, and if you’re not cheering him on at the end, you may want to get your pulse checked.

* IT (2017)

Now this definitely terrified some of the people I saw this in the cinema with - one man peed himself, a woman fled the viewing, and I overheard people talking about smelling poop in the back of the cinema - but for me it wasn’t particularly scary. What it was, however, was moving, and funny, and had fantastic acting from all of the children involved. I was cheering the kids on constantly, and you could really believe their fear of Pennywise. I loved this so, so much. CW: Child deaths including on screen violence against children, depiction of bullying, heavily implied sexual abuse via parent/child incest.

* Pitch Black

It was a toss-up for a while whether putting this on here would be miscategorising it - is it more of a sci-fi action flick, or a sci-fi survival horror? - but based on the majority of the characters not being Riddick I’m going for survival horror. This is the perfect execution of a simple, brilliant concept, and it’s a delight. Plus, it has sympathetic Muslims in space, and I can’t ignore an excuse to cheer for that.

* [Rec]

This is another movie where I’ve heard good things about the English language adaptation but have only watched the original, and oh man, it’s fun. It’s not a film I consider particularly scary, but it has my hands down favourite protagonists of any found footage horror movie, and I love that the constant use of cameras makes sense in this one because it does start out as a documentary gone wrong. Also, the ending is a classic <3.

- - -

Movies I’m reccing but fully acknowledge their flaws:

* Candyman

Tony Todd is the man, dude, and it wouldn’t be right to make a horror movie rec list without having an absolute classic of his up on it. It’s wonderfully dreamy, packed full of that lovely late 80s/early 90s washed out aesthetic, and has one of the handsomest movie villains out there. 

* The Crazies (2010)

Virus outbreak movies are a dime a dozen, but for all that there’s little new here, it’s still one of the better ones, helped by a good cast playing the core group of survivors. Worth seeing if you’re a Timothy Olyphant and/or Radha Mitchell fan, and I love them both to bits, so.

* Event Horizon

A cult favourite with a ridiculously awesome cast (Sean Pertwee? Jason Isaacs? Laurence Fishburne? And more?), this does go over the top at points, but it is such a fun ride. You can see where games like Dead Space drew their inspiration from; it’s visually stunning, and the main characters are frequently (alas, not always) sensible. Also, regarding who dies/doesn’t die, if you haven’t seen it before, I think you’ll be quite pleasantly surprised? I know I was. CW: Explicit depiction of suicide, brief but explicit glimpses of sexual violence, references to child death.

* The Girl With All the Gifts

If you haven’t played or watched someone play The Last Of Us, this is well worth a watch. With the rise of zombies in recent media, no pun intended, it was inevitable there would also be a rise in how many showed the results of a zombie cure, or of intelligence in zombies. Cordyceps based zombies are rarer in media, and The Last Of Us used them brilliantly, but this is a good, solid film, bleak in some ways but hopeful in others, and I loved it. Also, Gemma Arterton is in it (as is Glenn Close, who is fab as always) and there are very few things I would not do for that woman.

* Grave Encounters

This isn’t a particularly good movie, but it is so much fun to play “spot the gif” with; there’s hardly a scene in it, once the ghostly shenanigans kick off, that hasn’t been put into gif format for use alongside creepypastas and the like all over the net. Girl turning around and face melting into blackness? Masses of hands pushing out through a wall suddenly? It’s just fun to spot them. Not to mention that, once in a while, it is fun to see a movie where the main characters are unironically Those White People In A Horror Movie and as such deserve pretty much everything that happens to them. CW: Ableism, ~scary mental hospital~ trope.

* Let Us Prey

This is a flawed film that could have been a great movie if it had been handled with a subtler touch. Some flashback sequences in it are more gratuitous than they need to be, and the end villain is just bizarrely over the top, but overall I love that it’s almost like a British-Irish take on Silent Hill? Liam Cunningham and Pollyanna McIntosh in particular, as the leads, are wonderful in it and bring a touch of class to something that could otherwise have just been a straight up hot mess. CW: References to child death, references to and flashbacks to sexual violence. Also, going to throw homophobia on here, because god knows I’m tired of the Evil Predatory Gay trope.

* Mandy

Placing this one anywhere on the list feels strange because it’s... this odd mixture of extremely beautiful and dreamlike, but also cult-classic over the top to the point of clearly being deliberately funny about it in places. I don’t quite know how it leaves me feeling on the whole, but I do know I absolutely love it. CW: Description of animal death, drugging, sexual harrassment.

* Silent Hill

This isn’t by any means a good movie, but I’d be lying through my teeth if I claimed it wasn’t one of my favourites regardless. It’s just ridiculously pretty, the music (courtesy of Akira Yamaoka being a genius) is amazing, and I will ship Cybil and Rose to the end of my days. Also, Pyramid Head, guys. Pyramid Head.

* Switchblade Romance (also known as Haute Tension or High Tension)

This French language flick is one of my favourite guilty pleasures. Most extreme horror bores me or leaves me cold, but there was something about this one I enjoyed despite it having plot holes you could drive a truck through; the lead actresses are fantastic, and it has some of my favourite uses of music in a modern horror movie. Please be warned though, this one has some very violent sequences, even in the cut version. CW: Child death, home invasion, continuous threat of sexual violence.

* We Are What We Are

This was a very unevenly paced movie, slow in parts and then jarringly fast in others, and some of the exposition felt clunky, but it’s overall a beautifully made movie and I was so drawn to the love between the siblings in this. I really felt like they were a real family, and was rooting for them so hard. CW: Cannibalism, threat of violence against children.

* The Wicker Man (1973, unless you want to watch the remake for so-bad-it’s-funny shenanigans. I won’t judge)

This is up there with Alien in terms of “even if you haven’t watched this movie, you have watched this movie” courtesy of pop culture referencing it every which way but loose, but it’s so worth a watch. I can’t recommend a particular cut because I’ve seen so many I wouldn’t know where to begin! It’s also kind of fun to enjoy it as a musical in its own way - there are so many songs in it that it’s hard not to sing along after a few viewings - and for all that the ending isn’t a shocker these days, it’s still so much fun to watch.

- - -

And a horror-comedy rec list to wrap things up:

* He Never Died

This is a great example of how you can do great things with a threadbare budget if you have a good idea and the confidence to commit to a concept. It is so, so funny, its humour sometimes dry, sometimes black as tar, and I just adored the main character’s absolute exhaustion with the world. I’m trying to sell this one without spoilers, because it’s another one where going in with as little info as possible is a good idea <3.

* Shaun of the Dead

It’s pretty much just the best ode to zombie movies and their inherent silliness that exists, and Simon Pegg is an adorable mess in it.

* Trick R Treat

My favourite horror anthology film by miles. It’s just fun. Aaaaaand the werewolf girls are hot af, soooooo. This also lets Brian Cox join Laurie Holden and Radha Mitchell on the list of people who managed to show up more than once in recced movies!

* Tucker & Dale vs. Evil

Aside from a few tonal missteps - references to sexual violence in the middle of a horror comedy, even if those references weren’t there as a joke, aren’t ever going to sit well - this film is hilarious, and frequently adorable too. Not to mention, it’s always nice to see a big guy get to be a hero.

- - -

Movies I need to update this list with:

The Lighthouse. CW: Explicit animal death, eye trauma.

Us. CW: Description of animal death, child deaths and self-mutilation.

The Endless. CW: Graphic suicide.

Midsommar. CW: Graphic suicide.

[taco-night-frenzy]

Never a Chair So Real

Hey, so I decided to be a weirdo and write a scene for @kaesaaurelia ‘s Never a Lovely So Real

It’s got spoilers for her fic in there, so don’t read it if you haven’t read her stuff. It’s good, and I am aping her style, but it felt like a fun little practice to get me writing again, since I usually never write in San’s perspective or in present tense or just you know write a scene about someone else’s fic.

Don’t take this too seriously at all. The scene takes place directly after chapter 26.

---

“Asgore! You…” Toriel huffs, possibly about to blow his whole apartment down. “You get your ‘fluffybuns’ to this door, right now!”

Ah, the ol’ sarcastic ex-pet name. Not exactly a good sign. As I scramble up the steps at a leisurely pace (mind you, I’m injured, can’t be running too hard, now.) I notice things feel a bit different. Can’t really put my finger on it, but something just feels off. I shrug. Got more important things to worry about.

I hear the door creak open meekly. “Tori, what is wro-”

“Don’t you ‘Tori’ me, Asgore Dreemurr!” She puffs and a slamming noise reverberates through my skull.

“Sorry,” Asgore stammers. “Toriel.”

Alas, that was the wrong response as well. Poor guy is soon about to learn nothing would be the right response. “You have much bigger things to apologize about, Asgore!”

I reach the top of the stairs and notice Toriel with her hands at her hips, positively fuming, like a tea kettle Asgore forgot to tend to. She doesn’t notice me, those globes of fire burning into Asgore. Asgore looks confused, of course. He’s probably used to her grump, but not usually this level. For a split second he sees me, but brings his attention back to Toriel, as if she might strike him while he wasn’t looking.

Gotta admit, I feel a bit bad. It’s probably too late for me to defuse the situation.

“Lord,” a voice floats in through the doorway. “What’s going on out there, now?” Of course, Patience feels the need to butt in and make things worse.

“Sorry, Ms. Gormon, I-”

Wrong again, Gorey.

“Don’t apologize to her, like I’m some burden!” Toriel growls. I didn’t think it was possible, but looks like Patience has managed to make her even angrier. “Just when were you going to tell me that our son was still alive, Asgore?”

For once, Asgore doesn’t have anything to say. His eyes go wide and I can tell his brain went up in flames. Again, he shoots a single glance at me, seemingly accusatory. Very unlike him.

I shrug once more, thinking ‘sorry Gorey,’ like maybe he can read my thoughts.

A sigh escapes his lips as he manages to comprehend the situation. “Toriel, I’m sorry, I planned on telling you.”

Wrong. “Planned on telling me!? Like a surprise birthday party?!” She waves a furred hand through the air, dangerously close to slapping Asgore across the face. He flinches. “‘Toriel, your son you thought was dead is actually alive and the leader of a gang of murderous humans! Have some tea!’”

If this weren’t such a tense moment, I’d congratulate Toriel on such a spot-on impression. Although, the tears in her eyes tell me now’s not the best time.

A few monsters are gathering around the hall now. A bear monster peaked through his door, Aaron gazes openly through a winking eye at the top of the stairs, and a few Vulkins are meandering in wondering if anyone needs a hug. Someone does, sure, but not these two.

“hey, maybe we should move things inside,” I say, noting my voice feels strange compared to a few minutes ago. Must just be nerves, not that I have ‘em.

Asgore finally notices the crowd gathering outside his door and around his future ex-wife. Even this guy seems to have his limits when it comes to shame. He sullenly nods. “Yes, maybe this is for the best?”

Toriel stamps down, wobbling slightly. The audience loses their balance a bit at the sheer force of her strength. “I do not care who sees! Let them see what a-a… a monster you are!”

Wow. That was harsh. Usually not good to refer to monsters in that connotation, but I can tell she’s upset, and rightfully so. I know she doesn’t need someone like me to protect her, but I can’t help but say, “we’ll tell ‘em all about it, but uhh, i could really use a seat right now. hurt arm and all.”

Truth be told, my arm does hurt, and I do like sitting. Plus, while most of the eyes were on the boss monsters, I feel those prying eyes looking at me as well. Unless I’m on stage, it’s not exactly a great feeling.

“Fine. I will do it for you,” she said finally, but not quite looking my way. I sensed some anger towards me, but luckily Asgore was there to soak up most of it.

Asgore sighs and steps aside as we walk past, his eyes downcast.

---

We get inside and the smell of Area/Time Relevant Flowers and tea accost us. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a nice smell, but it’s so Asgore. The sights and smells appear to only make Toriel angrier. His living area has a couple cups of tea still steaming on the table and a Patience sitting across from it. She doesn’t look happy, but that’s the norm.

I take the cushiest seat across from Patience, noting that Toriel would probably not be happy to sit across from her. Still warm. For a moment, I felt the urge to take a nap, but again, not a great time for my shenanigans.

Patience takes a sip of her tea, glaring my way. I notice her wrist is looking better. “You had to blab, didn’t you?” she says, knowing a little too much for comfort. I shrug. “And you guys thought I was bad,” she mutters, just loud enough so only I could hear.

Toriel takes a seat, her molten globes of fire trying to focus on Asgore, although she clearly is having trouble not staring at Patience. “I see you have made yourself quite comfortable in my husband’s home.”

“Yep.”

I’m starting to regret coming inside.

I look across the way to see Asgore standing awkwardly near the table, not too close, but not too far. He keeps shuffling his feet, trying to find the best spot so as to not be impolite. Why isn’t he sitting?

I look around. Ah. Only three chairs. Oops. Well, I certainly aint movin’. I’m pretty comfy here.

Asgore shuffles slightly forward, his foot lightly hitting the table on accident, rattling the cups. “Pardon me, I usually don’t have many guests here, so I am not quite prepared.”

“I wonder why that is?” Toriel hisses sarcastically.

Patience looks like she’s running thin. “Just take my chair, then.”

Asgore shakes his head. “No, no, it is quite all right, I am comfortable standing.” He clearly isn’t.

Toriel groans, all too accustomed to Asgore’s little quirks. “Now, again, when were you going to tell me that our son was still alive?!”

“Not technically really alive,” Patience corrects her. “Although, not really dead either.”

Toriel did not appreciate that little factcheck. She shoots Patience a glare that would turn any other monster to dust on the spot. Patience just sips her tea.

“Asgore can speak for himself!”

He wrings his paws and shuffles his feet, staring at the tea, probably wishing for a drink right about now. “I, uh, hm…” I start to wonder if he really can speak for himself.

“Christ’s sake, just take my damn chair,” Patience says.

“No, no! It is quite all right!” Asgore says, his foot tapping against the table again and rattling the cups again.

Toriel grits her teeth. “Just take the chair!”

Asgore flinches at the shout and looks at Patience like a lost puppy. “Ah, yes, maybe, maybe it is for the best.”

Patience frowns at this. “Oh, so when she tells you to take my chair, you’ll take it?”

Asgore finds himself deeper and deeper in his hole, and he keeps on digging. “No! I, I apologize! I did not mean it that way, please, you must keep your chair, then!”

Toriel looks like she’s about to explode. “Just. Take. My. Chair. Then.”

Poor guy can’t seem to handle the heat. He bumps his toe against the table again. Even I cringe this time. “No, I…. I am quite all right, I do not want to burden you.”

Patience groans and gets up. “You’re already a burden now, take the chair already.”

I notice Toriel is also standing up. Oh god, is this really happening. “Since you do not want to take her seat, then just take mine!”

I could swear Asgore is ready to cry. “I…” He looks between the two women, both angry and glaring. Boy, am I glad I’m not in his situation right now. “Thank you, but I will stand.”

“UGH!” They groan simultaneously.

In the next moment, Asgore is crushed by both chairs, his lifeless body limp under their weight. Welp, they killed him. Probably the best outcome for him, honestly.

[rxbelling-hxrald]

ALL OF THE EMOJIS OF THE HORROR MEME (come at me with long posts)

✘ Have they ever committed a murder?

Yes, but not at all since his freedom outside the demon realm, his victims include several practice human targets during his father’s influence over him and the demon’s training methods to inflict great pain, others are several demons themselves.

He has murdered no one from the other realms he has been in.

▼ What is their greatest fear?

Failure, both in general and in his overall life. this goes closely in hand with the destruction that would shortly follow after.

His failure would mean he’d become a figure just like his father, as in essence he would be his father after Mason’s techniques were completed on his capture, Dan would become nothing in theory, his mind and spirit would be eaten away, Death itself doesnt scare him but the idea of being the one responsible for bringing it upon countless victims from his father’s intentions?

That he does fear with all of his heart.

✿ Would they ever trust dark or wicked magic?

Yes, Dan can be considered the sort to find use with anything that may be deemed as ‘cruel but effective’.

While he does have morals in terms of whom he should deem someone whom deserves pain and agony by his hand, if someone does ‘deserve’ it, he doesnt care what the process is, he’ll use it.

However, this is if Dan was ever capable of outright magic, if it came to someone else wielding such magical prowess, unless he knew them well, he’d trust nothing about it.

So I guess the true answer is, he only trusts himself to use it.

△ Name one thing from their past that they regret.

All of the human ‘targets’ he injured or killed during his younger years in training, these were captured and tortured souls used as ‘examples’ for the demons to train the young Dan in his abilities and violent prowess, While he wasnt directly in control, he recalls and remembers every moment, every feeling, it still gives him nightmares at times.

He truly wishes he could make ammends, but has come to accept that nothing can be done to fix the hell that is the demon realm, outside of destroying it.

✂ If they had to choose one weapon to carry forever, what would it be?

Dan doesnt like the idea of weapons, deeming them to be for cowards and weaklings who cant get things done with their own fists, easy for a demon to say….

But if he HAD to choose a weapon, it would most likely be swords/katanas, whatever the equivalent he could get a hold of, with how he uses his powers as an ‘extension’ of himself, the same could be said in his use of a sword….once he trained with them awhile.

☣ Would they kill someone close to them if they had to?

This depends on the definition of ‘had too’.

If it were to save his own life, No, he wouldnt. If it were to save an entire realm, he’d consider it a lot more.

I’m sorry but I cant give a clear cut answer without a scenario, so I’m gonna leave it as.

Depends.

☢ Would they survive an apocalyptic situation?

Considering he was raised in an equivalent of an apocalypse turned into literal hell nearly, yes, he would, disturbingly well so in fact.

I’d even go as far to say he’d probably become one of the key hoarders/traders people would go to, due to his ability to survive in most conditions, being a demon certainly helps in this case.

❣ If someone had the power to bring them back after death, would they want them to?

Yes, If he had died prior to not fulfilling his ‘duty’ in defeating his father, he’d be more than asking for a second chance.

Even if he had succeeded and lived a full life, he’d still likely ask for it, but this time under the words of. ‘To be able to feel again, death is….pretty boring honestly.’

I’m not even joking in that’s how he’d most likely react should he be capable to speak after-death to his would be reviver.

☠ Do they fear death?

Outright no, but he does fear the idea of it claiming him before he completes his intentions/duties.

♱ What do they think awaits them after death?

He honestly doesnt think about it much, though he assumes its going to be an ever lasting sleep, trapped in the moment you died at and doomed to relive it over and over as if trapped in time in a realistic dream that you can still feel.

So if you died in your sleep, that would actually not be bad in his eyes, but death by a torture session? not a pleasant eternity.

¿ Are they easily frightened?

Yes, Despite being a big bad demon supposedly, Dan’s very susceptible to being scared though not in the means most people would assume.

The idea of ghosts, monsters, horror stories and etc does not even phase him due to him taking his own life as ‘living proof of a nightmare’. You wont scare him with the likes of threats or looks either.

Dan is more scared by the unknown and most social occurrences, similar to how he first arrived outside of the demon realm, he was terrified of everything he saw nearly having no knowledge of anything, He’s curious about a lot of things, but if there is no answer he can come too or someone can give, he will become cautious/scared of it.

Social scares could include large crowds of people all focusing on him/trying to talk, or say he got a job interview even…..he’d been downright terrified of the interviewer most likely and become a mumbling mess.

He’s also susceptible to being jump scared, though his reactions usually turn to the ‘anger’ sense of being scared, striking at what scared him…so I’d advice against it.

╳ How would they react to seeing a loved one become possessed?

Answered already….

☹ Name one person they would kill for.

No one, Dan wouldnt kill anyone person for another as of this moment. He would defend, he would brutalize, but not kill.

☼ If they had the choice to be immortal with one other person, who would they choose?

No one, again, as of this moment, While he’s made several friends, Dan wouldnt jump at that chance with anyone right now.

In fact Dan likely would deny the chance of even being immortal, thinking himself already as one.

☎ How would they react to receiving a phone call from a deceased love one?

Going under the idea if he ever gained a love one and lost them, such a phone call would be given with horrific shock, a small sense of hope then rage once it turned out to be false.

If by some chance it wasnt, he’d either be scared or joyful, depending on whom it was and what the deceased one’s words actually.

★ Do they have a favorite scary movie? Book? Show?

Dan’s an uncultured swine right now, so no…..someone needs to teach/show him some.

♣ Do they believe the world is made up of good and evil?

Yes, from how Dan has come to an understanding of things from morals and actions, he deems everyone to be good or evil in some form or another.

While he has good intentions, he doesnt peg himself as ‘good’ considering his past and dangers. knowing full well he could become evil should he lose himself or something were to happen.

♥ Have they ever acting out of heartlessness?

Yes, Against anyone and everyone who ever goes against him or his friends in a violent way. Dan will make the aggressor’s life hell and not think twice if given the chance, regardless of morals.

Right now though the only victims of this are those that tried to rob him near a bar, they were severely beaten to a brutal extent.

☾ What is their favorite and least favorite thing about the night?

At night, his favorite thing is the sense of confidence it gives him, at night he feels there is nothing he cannot do, no one that can stop him, no one that can see him either if he so wishes….at night, he holds all the cards….that’s what he believes anyway.

His least favorite thing so far is the drunks he can encounter randomly when out and enjoying the night, they usually stink and bother him about something with their incoherent ramblings.

If you want a ‘literal’ favorite thing, its his ability to blend into the dark and shadows, turning him nearly invisible at night in the right spots.

ψ Do they think they deserve punishment for their wrongdoings?

Yes, He does believes he needs to atone in someway, but he believes he’s doing that already by working on his ‘duties’.

ϟ Have they ever gotten pleasure from causing others pain?

Yes, his violent and somewhat sadistic side is very visible when in a fight against someone whom has triggered his rage, he’ll openly mock anyone he’s hurting and laugh about it if he feels they deserve it.

Look up at the heartlessness answer to see what usually triggers this, they go hand in hand.

♚ Do they consider themselves to be evil?

In his mind no, but he does consider his actual body to be so, due to his actual species of being a demon.

♒ If they could choose how to die, how would they want to go?

In what is commonly referred to as ‘In a blaze of glory’

If he knew he were to die, Dan would want it to end in him doing something useful in someway, be it saving someone else’s life in the process via sacrifice, fighting his father’s minions until he was finally done to stem their tides and make life a pain for them until he was done.

In fact if he were ever in a losing position with his life at risk, Dan’s very likely to take the forward steps to go on until the end.

As long as he doesnt die without a fight, he’d be content.

™ Are they possessive?

Yes! This can mean both with belongings and people if he’s close to them.

He couldnt be classified as a stalker, but he would be the sort to be extremely excessive over someone, get them gifts, asking questions, doing anything he could to be useful. but he’d at the very least give space if they wanted it.

Right now, his biggest case of possessive behavior is his coat, he loves that thing more that someone should.

✔ Are they holding a grudge against anyone?

His father Mason, for very obvious reasons if you know the story and relationship.

But right now, he doesnt have any grudges/hatreds towards another.

◯ Do they believe in ghosts?

Yes, He’s seen so much, he’s a demon, there’s clearly aliens and other species and realms, why would he not assume that ghosts are a thing too?

✦ Who is their favorite villain?

He doesnt have one, being generally unaware of both actual villians and ‘show’ ones. Again someone either needs to culture him or he needs to meet a villian that wont actually go against him outright.

Manipulation anyone? :P

☄ While watching a scary movie, are they the one clinging to a friend or being clung to?

90% of the time, probably clung too, but there might be a rare occasion like a jumpscare that will make the tables turn.

Which he’d quickly act like he wasnt scared shortly after.

웃 Do they believe in aliens?

Yes, for the same reasons as mentioned in the ghost answer.

[tinkdw]

Mary is the best mother figure they could wish for

Hear me out. 

Mary, by her absence, through her choices and ultimately NOT being what the brothers ever hoped she would be is leading them to some deep inner questioning, which is what they both need to move forwards if not what they want. 

In the end this is exactly why Amara / TBTB brought her back, because as we head into the endgame era there are things that need addressing that only be addressed from within. With Dean ‘sublimation’ Winchester and Sam ‘repression’ Winchester it would take something BIG to force them to do this. And it doesn't come much bigger than their mom, narratively, in the show.

DEAN ‘sublimation’ WINCHESTER

Dean’s inner demons centre around self acceptance. I have written a whole other post about Dean’s self worth here but basically Mary and Cas are key to this for him moving forwards (and are mirrors of each other this season). 

A key indicator of his self acceptance is the break down of performing!Dean which we are seeing so much of in s12. We have not just a whole episode dedicated to slapping us in the face with the fact that this exists (for those who don't do subtext) in 12x11 but they even TELL US OPENLY that sublimation ‘is kinda his thing’, on top of so many snippets where he is letting his true feelings show. OK, so its now CANON that performing!Dean exists. Why? To tear it down.

And what was a huge factor in performing!Dean? His emulation of John. So having Mary around is definitely going to have a huge impact on this story. 

1. Mary has already forced Dean to really think about how he feels towards her and how hurt he is by her actions. You can practically see the inner dialogue in his eyes at some points in s12.

He’s standing up for himself, calling her out, practically saying out loud that he thinks he DESERVES BETTER!

 And yes, he did ‘apologise’ to her at the end of 12x14 but really he's not vindicating her actions but acknowledging that he didn't put her in the right ‘box’ in his view of family. She had to call him out on it for him look within himself to figure this out. 

2. Cas has been a key component of Dean’s overall arc since his FIRST SCENE OF THE SHOW (and arguably was planned to be a key component since the pilot once he took over Anna’s planned role). 

“Good things do happen, Dean.... What’s the matter? YOU DON’T THINK YOU DESERVE TO BE SAVED?”

I mean, since their FIRST MEETING Cas has been validating Dean. He understood Dean’s lack of self worth within 2 minutes. I can't WAIT for this to be bookended and I would love it if they paralleled it properly, something like Dean asking CAS “you don't think you deserve to be loved?”. 

*OK I've stopped sobbing now, moving on*

So Cas is key to Dean’s self acceptance and also eventual Destiel in the obvious way through his sexuality. Even if you don't ship them or believe Dean is queer just allowing himself to be loved in the platonic way as family by someone who CHOOSES to (as per 12x12) is incredibly important to Dean’s self worth, especially when linked to Cas’s own overall arc of ‘falling for humanity’ because it’s DEAN who made him rebel, avert the apocalypse and choose humanity. 

I love how Crowley often gets my Dean-feels going (often his lines really hit a spot for me in terms of Dean’s inner dialogue) and his famous ‘I deserve to be loved’ moment really hits home for me. Dean should and WILL I am sure at some point either say this specifically or have it said to him. I wonder by who...

Mary and Cas are both key to Dean's self acceptance arc. Currently not only is Mary a s6 Cas mirror but they are incredibly interlinked and probably will be even more so when the supernatural / BMOL / Mary story comes to a head.

SAM ‘Repression’ WINCHESTER

Sam’s inner demons centre around self forgiveness. He still struggles with feeling like a monster (even though he knows he shouldn't), he has tried to be cleaner than clean, whiter than white to cleanse himself (e.g. with food), and it’s especially clear this season that he is holding back from other people, often hiding behind Dean (eg. phone calls etc). 

Sam’s self forgiveness can also be split into 2 overriding narratives.

1. Accepting and forgiving the grey areas of the supernatural and specifically the supernatural within himself (e.g. past psychic abilities, demon blood).

Mary has already twice narratively shifted the blame for Sam’s demon arc onto herself away from Sam: 

 12x2: “how can I face Sam after what I did to him”.

12x12: *flashback to YED Ramiel*, Sam: “what have you gotten us into?!”.

2. Forgiving himself enough to work with other people again and see himself as a leader.

Mary and the BMOL are key to this. Sam is a MOL and Dean is a Hunter, thats always been the narrative since s8. A happy place for Sam is running the MOL, a new, moral type of MOL with a dog, a girl, maybe even kids and trusted people all around... eating a hearty meal instead of a salad...

Blake Snyder’s Beat Sheet

(thank you @floralmotif and @elizabethrobertajones for this excellent reference and inspiration to put my thoughts into a hopefully coherent post! So, we are now on act 3 since the literal vanquishing of the darkness of act 2, dark night of the soul).

Endgame speculation based on the return of Mary below the cut.

Concisely Act 3 consists of:

1. A new start/inspiration/catalyst:  MARY. (Symbolism: Sunrise after the Darkness).

2. The main character(s) incorporate the newly found theme learned from the catalyst into their fight. (Speculation: defeating the season’s (13-14?) big bad thanks to their newly found self acceptance and self forgiveness. Dean using his self worth and parts of himself he previously didn't accept and perhaps Sam using some supernatural element rather than repressing it or a group of people e.g. US MOL)

3. Final Image: Opposite of Opening Image (finale v pilot)

SAM would have NO demon blood/supernatural left in him OR he would accept the supernatural side of himself as positive (perhaps as a psychic / witch?). Given other ‘free will’ / grey area themes of SPN it would make more sense to have him accept the supernatural in a positive way. 

A reversal of leaving school, his friends and a dead Jess to go hunting, alone with just his brother - would have him back in a scholarly environment with other people and likely a ‘new Jess’. 

Dean would have his abandonment issues addressed and let go of performing!Dean, actively not trying to emulate his father and letting go of his toxic masculine facade. He was so very alone at the start of the show - ‘abandoned’ by his father and feeling lonely before dragging Sam back into hunting. To reverse this he needs to have someone choose him completely, putting those abandonment issues to rest. 

I am completely convinced that Amara’s point was to bring Mary back AS THIS CATALYST, to be this tool for the start of act 3. The pain will be worth it in the end :)