#by not dying she won homestuck

[scorittanius]

ANIM.ALS. DOGES

[jarmes]

Homestuck: Beyond Canon Fanfic - Yiffy's Mother

The first thing Yiffy notices is that the woman standing before her looks like her mother. She has her long, messy dark hair, the big glasses, the protruding teeth, and the pointy white ears. Except, she’s young. Younger than Yiffy, maybe. And, the smell is wrong. She smells like dried blood. She hovers in the air, with eyes darker than the darkest night, and stares at Yiffy.

Yiffy growls.

Use your words, Yiffany.

the imposter says without moving her lips. Yiffy winces as the words appear in her brain, overriding her thoughts, keeping her from thinking about anything but the imposter’s command.

YIFFY: FUCK YOU

DAVE: oh shit boss i dont think doggy girl is happy to see you

The imposter’s retainers emerge from the shadows. To her left stands a troll with red wings, curved horns, and a massive smile. Something about her makes Yiffy afraid, more afraid than she’s ever been. To the imposter’s right is a metal man with red sunglasses, holding a sword. She recognizes him from the photos. Dave Strider, her mom’s husband, deceased for several years. He has no face, just the sunglasses, making it impossible to ascertain his emotion.

You’ve traveled far to reach us. Past the plot point, through the darkest reaches of space. Do you know why?

YIFFY: TO KILL YOU

That is what you think your purpose is. Unfortunately, this is the moment is pulled away and the wizard is revealed to be a man, a simple inventor who has controlled his kingdom through endless lies. Do you know why you want to kill me?

YIFFY: BECAUSE YOU KILLED MY FRIENDS

I did. But that is not why you are here. You are here because I have willed it.

YIFFY: FUCK YOU

You are repeating yourself.

Yiffy snarls at the demon wearing her mother’s face. She charges forward and lunges at the imposter. The retainers stop her. Yiffy freezes, midair, as the troll summons glowing hears. She can’t move, no matter how hard she tries. She feels like she’s choking as her lungs are locked in place by the power of a god.

Strider holds his sword up to Yiffy’s throat. With a single motion, he could kill her. If she wasn’t frozen, she would try and bite him.

DAVE: you need to get a cool sword

DAVE: or a shitty one i guess

DAVE: the point is you probably could have hit her with a bit more reach

DAVE: like wed all think you had failed and then you would say youre already dead and a bunch of blood would explode out like in a samurai film

Dave.

DAVE: plus it fits with the family bloodline and stuff

DAVE: youre my niece right

DAVE: nice to meet you

DAVE: i like the nostalgia critic outfit

Dave.

ARADIA: dave i think youre talking too much again

DAVE: yeah that happens

Strider sheathes his sword and the troll unfreezes time. Yiffy crashes down onto the floor in front of the imposter.

ARADIA: if its any consolation

ARADIA: death isnt really a big deal

ARADIA: lots of people die

ARADIA: weve all died

ARADIA: me and dave again and again

ARADIA: your friends are probably having the time of their lives!!!

Yiffy spits on the imposter’s leg. She doesn’t react.

You are not here to kill me. Because, of course, that could not happen unless I allowed it, and dying now would be inconvenient for my duties. You are here because I have allowed you to come here, my child.

YIFFY: YOU ARENT MY MOM

Correct. I am not Jade Harley, although I have been using her corpse as an outfit for many years. But, in many ways, I am more a parent to you than either of your mothers.

YIFFY: WHAT

My name is Calliope. Not the fearful murdered side character hiding in your grandmother’s basement, the better version. A version of Calliope who won. I created you, Yiffany. You would not exist if not for my intervention.

YIFFY: FUCK OFF

Let me tell you a story.

DAVE: yay storytime

Once, there was a group of children, who were ripped from their lives and forced to play a terrible game. The game broke them down, through pain and death, and rebirthed them as heroes. A terrible man, my brother, served as the ultimate boss of this game. Those heroes, rather than follow the path the game set before them, ran away to a paradise called Earth C. I became the shepherd of this Garden of Eden and watched as they lived happy lives. But, one of them, the Prince, was unsatisfied with happiness. He wanted the story to continue. And, to continue, it needed conflict. It needed a villain. A monster, a replacement for my brother. The Prince decided to be that become that villain. He escaped from Earth C so he could spread pain through existence. And, as the caretaker of a conflict-free world, it became my job to stop him.

YIFFY: WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING

The Prince is powerful. Almost as strong as me. He cannot be killed by conventional means. He is a metatextual being and can only be killed by a metatextual weapon. You, Yiffany, are my weapon.

YIFFY: WHAT

The Prince has complete control over his piece of existence. The only way to kill him is with something that should have never existed. A concept so ungodly stupid that, if he were to ever come into contact with it, he would cease to be.

To defeat my foe, I was forced to damage my paradise. I controlled the heroes like puppets, making them do things they would never do. I forced them to create my weapon. First, I had your surrogate and her wife adopt and raise a clone of Vriska. A deeply, deeply bad concept. But, unfortunately, not bad enough. Next, I created your friend Tavros. A child of rape, born from a hero twisted beyond recognition. A cowardly boy molested by a clown. Surely he would be enough! And yet, he was not potent enough. But with you, I created perfection. 

Yiffany Longstocking Lalonde-Harley. You should not exist. You are a living plothole who exists because I forced your mothers to abandon their values. The Prince fears you, Yiffany. He knows that you can kill him.

YIFFY: WHY DID YOU MAKE VRISSY AND TAV IF YOU WERE JUST GOING TO KILL THEM

They ceased to have any purpose in my plans. And, when I restored my paradise to how it should have been, they could not have been part of it. Better to get them out of the way now. Besides, their deaths made it easy to control you.

YIFFY: NOBODY CONTROLS ME

The Prince was smart. He removed himself from my domain as soon as my plans began. But, I managed to chase him here, to this land of abominations. And you, you worthless abomination, you heard my words in your head and chased them here. You have never made a choice in your entire life. You are a puppet, dragged around by the string, deluding herself into thinking she’s in control. It’s sad, really.

Yiffy lunges at Calliope, but she’s too slow. The Muse teleports to the other side of the room, completely fine. Yiffy crawls to her feet.

YIFFY: IF I CAN KILL DIRK

YIFFY: THEN I CAN KILL YOU TOO

Correct. Unfortunately, you will not get the chance.

YIFFY: ILL KILL STRIDER AND THE TROLL

YIFFY: MAKE YOU FEEL HOW I FELT WHEN YOU KILLED TAV AND VRISSY

Calliope laughs. I don’t need the time players to defeat you. I am more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

Yiffy charges at her. After a few steps, she trips, falling onto the hard stone floor. As she tries to stand up, she feels a sharp pain in her chest. A heart attack, from years of annoying anger anger. She gasps for air, but the pain is too strong for her to even take in a breathe. She looks up at me, at her true mother. She realizes that I am controlling this, just as I have controlled everything. She knows that her only chance to live is to bow. Tiffany crawls to her feet and lowers her head.

Good girl. Let’s go kill the Prince.

[zenosanalytic]

Hello! You seem to have interesting taste in books, esteemed viper. Would you have any recommendations for someone who enjoyed both Murderbot, Imperial Radch and The Locked Tomb (although the last one with a thesaurus, because not a native English speaker)? Thanks!

(Foreword: the links are to the first place that pops up on searches for me; not advocating you buy from these particular places, especially Amazon; if you want to buy rather than borrow from a library, Please do not buy from Amazon if you can at all help it. Like: There is no Ethical Consumption Under Capitalism, obviously, but even Barnes&Nobles is better than Bezos’s human-misery factory)

The Broken Earth Trilogy by N.K. Jemisin is REALLY good Axiom’s End, by Lindsay Ellis, starts rough, but improves ALLOT after the first act and finishes wonderfully. Also, The Subtext: The rich, Rich Subtext :3 :3 :3 The Teixcalaan Series by (Ascended Homestuck)Arkady Martine, two books out currently, is a Very Fun and Rare example of what you could call Hard-Political Sci Fi? VERY Much about Diplomacy, Bureaucracy, History, Culture and the, shall we say, “complications” of Empire for everyone involved(but mostly the ppl being Empired at). The first book, A Memory Called Empire, is VERY Good, though it’s got a weird flow where I felt it started strong, ended strong, but wobbled a bit in the middle. The 2nd book, A Desolation Called Peace is... It’s good in different ways, flawed in that the plotting generally feels more Convenient and less deeply Developed than in Memory, but I found I didn’t really care about the problems weighed against what I liked in it. The Temeraire Series, by Naomi Novik(remember that name: anybook wearing it is likely to be Good) is a WONDERFUL Historical-Fantasy series, set in a time period(The Napoleonic Era) woefully underserved in the Fantasy genre which asks the Very Important Question “What if Dragons Were Real?”, and then deconstructs European Empire and Imperial Imagination with the answers. It’s Great. The Goblin Emperor by Katherine Addison is another wonderfully Political Fantasy book set in the Age of Sail/Steam, but with Airships. The Airships aren’t important though; the Clothes are. And the Politicking(which means Dinner Planning). And the Lifetime of Familial Truama. And the Engineering. And the Buff SwordFighting Girlfriends who will skewer anyone who so much as ruffles your Bueautiously Bedazzled Brow, even if they don’t particularly understand or care that much for your ideals. There’s apparently a 2nd book in the series, that I JUST found out about looking up this one, so I’m going to be getting on getting that >:| Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell, by Susanna Clarke, is not a book, but rather a Positive TOME. It’s big is what I’m saying. Magisterial would be an apt description, and you’ll need the thesaurus for this one too I assure you. It is ALSO set in the Napoleonic Era, which is kind of becoming a theme with this list isnt it, and it’s about Two Gentlemen(actually Four, and one Lady) of markedly different Romantic Literary Tropes bringing Magic back to the world(they used to have Magic, but then a Giant Crow ate it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ). It is VERY Good but, like I said, HUGE, and it takes, like, a month to read(unless you’re insane like me, and dedicate every waking moment of, like, a week to reading it, which invariably happens when I open the dang thing). The author also has a new book out, Piranesi, which has won ALL The Praise, but I haven’t read it yet so’s I can nary say good nor bad about it, sadly :T She also wrote a book of short-stories, which I ALSO have not read, and ALSO Have Been Meaning To Read for, like, a decade now X| The Greta Helsing Novels by (Ascended Homestuck)Vivian Shaw, currently a Trilogy but I’m hoping maybe someday publishers will Wisen and we’ll get more it’d be a Wonderful counterpoint to the Dresden Files approach to pulp, is pretty much The Opposite of Strange and Norrell. They’re nice, Light, quick, fun reads, Competent and Workerly; the sort of thing ppl tend to call “summer” or “vacation” books. It’s about a human doctor who takes care of the undead, and the Shenanigans this gets her into. Shaw has a FANTASTIC brain, and she uses the series as an excuse to share&explore her knowledge on various esoteric subjects like Sewer Architecture, Nuclear Reactors, and Historical Divine Bureaucracy Headcanons :3 :3 Also, like, 80% of the characters in the series are taken from 1800s pulp horror fiction; It’s Gr8. IF you can find a collection of either of their works, which isn’t terribly likely, sadly, because Capitalism is Awful, Jack Vance and Fritz Leiber were probably the BEST writers of the Pulp Fantasy Era/Genre(think Conan or Lovecraft). Tales of the Dying Earth is basically the soil Adventure Time(and He Man, coincidentally, and basically the Whole subgenre of “Wait: This isn’t THE PAST!!!” scifi-fantasy) grew out of, and it’s also a pretty excellent transposition of The Odyssey into SciFi Fantasy. Of Leiber I have read only a comic rendition of SOME of his Fafhrd and the Gray Mouser stories, and a SINGLE TEASER PASSAGE from his actual writing, and both totally blew me away with their artistry, pathos, and naturalistic flow and dialogue. I dont know his works directly, though, so maybe the rest isn’t so great, or dabbles in the execrable gender- racial- and imperial-politics so common to white male sci-fi writers of that era.

Ok IM STOPPING THERE. Because I’m not Heartless and I think that’s Enough for now. If you like the taste exhibited by my posting, well, these are also parts of that taste so maybe you’ll like them too. I certainly hope so :>

[cyberneticlagomorph]

On the fifth day of the apocalypse, nothing happened.

Or more accurately, nothing NEW happened. 

Roads were cleared, people were rescued and fed, ushered into bunkers and hospitals by superheroes and aliens and furries. Everyone was largely scared and confused, but grateful.

Skulduggery Pleasant was there at some point! 

And the not-really-teens-anymore Titans, She-Ra, homestuck trolls, anime characters, demons, fairies, and innumerable other beings that crawled from all corners of the multiverse to lend a hand.

It was beautiful.

It was chaos.

Avengers Endgame wishes it was this cool. 

On the sixth day, the black sky cracked like an eggshell, golden light seeping through the gaps like runny yolk.

The sun had returned. 

It shattered the darkness like glass, banishing the dark and hungry things that had flourished in this weeklong night. Sending them scrabbling for their vile dens.

Volunteers and evacuees alike cheered at the bright blue sky, and the cowardly star shone all the more brighter. Even though, deep down it was ashamed of itself for abandoning its post, getting eaten by an angry omnicidal Angel isn't something anybody wants, so running away is perfectly valid in this situation.

Well… not really, but I feel bad for the poor thing. 

For a moment, there was peace and quiet, and Hope as the last of the evacuees were loaded into emergency vehicles and sent rumbling on towards the last bunkers with available space.

Jack stopped his search for the End and raided his cellars, treating all the volunteers to fresh hot stew, buttered bread, and strong coffee or cocoa. His Ma, Harley, lent a hand.

There was brisket, latkes, and sufganiyot, spinach matzo lasagna with white sauce! There was pizza, soda, tofu, burritos, cookie cats, grubloaf, and so many other things that everyone brought from back home. What started out as a thank you lunch, quickly became a victory potluck.

A witch in training sets a massive pot of soup onto the makeshift buffet table and everyone immediately swarms it hungrily, she purrs proudly as her dish is praised. 

A dish of sugar cubes, oatmeal, and apples is brought out for Swift Wind, She-Ra's mighty steed.

Faces are stuffed, stories are swapped, wounds are healed. And not just the physical ones. 

Someone tells a joke so hilariously bad that soymilk comes squirting out of Beastboy's nose.

We could End things here, with everyone happy, healthy and safe, with full stomachs and fuller hearts… but you know we can't, dear readers. As much as I want to, as much as you want me to. 

I can't. 

A Plot Hole opens wide, in the middle of a ruined street with a sound like tearing paper and literary agony. Ink splatters the ground like blood from a fresh wound, and from it crawl Spoilers and Continuity Errors. Seven times seven voices echo from the Hole's drooling depths, shaking loose out of context snippets from the next Narrative over, "You think you've won?" snarls the End of Everything as She slithers out of the ink and emptiness, "You might have gotten all of the humans to safety, might have put my Horsemen out of commission, but I'm. Still. Here."

Green fire curls from her lips and forms a single Word, and then the Narrative starts to shudder and scream. A portal tears itself open above the tables laden with feasting heros and sucks them out of their seats like boba pearls through a straw, many of them scramble to stay put or at least snag the last slice of pizza but they are all forcibly expelled back to their homeworlds without so much as a goodbye. 

Although their exit is rough and abrupt they hopefully land safely, without too many bumps and bruises. They're outside of my grasp now, but I hope I can at least give them that much.

Only Jack is left, the portal snaps shut before he can be pulled through it and gravity quickly sends him plummeting into the feast table with its half full plates and sharp silverware. He stares up at the End, wincing in pain. 

She stares down at him, all seven great green eyes blazing with HATE, "It's time that you and I finish this, don't you think?" She smiles then, lips curling over venomous fangs that would make any snake self conscious. Another fiery Word and the world changes, becoming terrifyingly familiar. 

Oh Jack… I'm so so very sorry...

The world is Ending, and it's all your fault. 

The sky is a green-gold mirror, broken, reflecting everything that ever was and everything that will ever be within shards of Dreams that fall like verdant rain and distort the landscape around you as they crash haphazardly to the ground, like glass meteors, shattering on impact. Glittering splinters of impossibility cut your cheek as they fly by, you can taste the bitterness of your future in the pain. 

Before you stands the End-of-Everything, with a head wreathed in flame, Her serpentine form stretching away into forever. Nothing around Her burns or even smolders, no, it grows. Patches of green swallow impossible structures, strangling their foundations until they lean dangerously, drunkenly across the deserted street you stand on. Plants spring forth from places they were never meant to, devouring everything they touch like a cancer, they tug at your feet as you walk. Moss and vines try to crawl up your legs, only to be torn apart with each solemn step. 

In your hand is a sword. An old and heavy thing, carved from the bones of a beast Higher than you, among the rabbits and snakes and suns carved into the blade is a Word of your own, it means "to assemble a name from scars". The tip drags across the seething wasteland of invasive life and makes it blacken and wither. 

You are tired and alone, but you cannot rest until it is done.

The End-of-Everything hisses as you draw near, and speaks in seven times seven tongues, “Do you know who I am?” She says, Her choir of voices crackle and snap like a forest on fire. 

There is an edge of frustration to Her tone, as if She were just as tired as you. You stare at Her with empty exhausted eyes, She has invaded your dreams and asked you this question more times than you can readily remember, and each time, you have failed to answer correctly. 

Stubbornly, you clutch your blade white-knuckle and it grows lighter in your hand. Just a hair, just a touch, but you can feel the weight leave as the dying embers of your resolve glow just a little brighter. 

“You are the End of Everything,  but I am the End of You.” 

[clairelutra]

so i’m on the hunt for a new hyperfixation and it’s just not going too well.

i was thinking that maybe it’s time to devote a little bit of time to genfic, however:

villain!deku just doesn’t have enough... starting material? i only really like the animatics and bloom in winter so far, and the other villain!deku fics haven’t left me eager to look for more.

the inscrutable machine would pretty much be a fandom of one, and i think that’s the root reason for why royal fucked my little akirann heart up so bad. no outside balancing forces or people to really socialize with outside of the comments on my fic and the people who were only passingly into it or listened to me out of affection alone.

i don’t really have any other ideas for genfic, tbh.

the harry potter fandom is a fun place to lurk but they aren’t My People.

naruto too, and the “oh my GOD you’re doing it wrong” impulse isn’t strong enough to make up the gap. 

ditto bleach, ditto ff7, ditto ditto ditto...

in terms of more general fandoms:

pjo... never left me with that ‘but what if...” fanfic urge, for all that i snatched up all the percabeth and rachel/nico content i could get my greedy little hands on (this was pre-HoO, please don’t murder me)

atla—same boat. i could see myself getting on board if i shipped zutara, but nope. they’re both cute but i’m not fond of their enemies-to-lovers thing or the way their personalities mesh.

ouat has mostly burned low at this point, and as much as i love captain swan, it’s definitely not my wheelhouse. (possibility: lieutenant duckling?)

homestuck... as much as i adore(d) the fandom, it also never left me with powerful but what if urges. i was/am content just to watch the whirlwind of content.

ff7r has kingdom hearts logic, and kingdom hearts logic is why i’m not going for kingdom hearts. it kinda forces me to mentally take shotgun just to watch the scenery go by, so to speak. i love cloti and zerith and sokai and namiku and axel/xion, but... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ do i wanna mess with that set of canonverse rules? no. no i do not.

trails of cold steel and nights of azure would both be fandoms of one and aren’t really speaking to me either (though i do want a lilysse/arnice oneshot of arnice teaching lilysse to dance, js).

i am completely absolutely 100% done with anything involving persona. fuck you atlus. fuck you.

xenoblade chronicles (thus far) don’t seem to have the kind of world i like to play in.

as much as i adore rune factory 4, if i want more rune factory 4 content, all i need to do is play rune factory 4 again, because i’ve played it through so many times i’ve lost count, and i still haven’t discovered everything in the game.

botw... maybe?? but i need more to go off of for any of the ships and 'canon divergence’ is tricky when you’re pretty much allowed to do just about anything.

under semi-serious consideration:

okami. it's also a dead fandom, but the characters are charming and intriguing, and i love the ammy/waka(/issun) dynamic. i lost my copy of the game but i’m getting my replacement tomorrow, so we’ll see how that goes.

ffxv. the fandom is dying, yes, but there are whole swathes of the kink meme left to explore and i have a bunch of saved prompts that i love. the characters don’t quite spark to me the way others do, but the character voices are easy and there’s enough there to work with to make them spark.

fe3h. the kink meme goes fast and hard. so much activity! so much enthusiasm! man i’d love to be in on that (even if i could barely get through the second battle lmfao, maybe i’ll just look up the links/cutscenes)

under ‘maybe i really should give this a shot’ consideration:

she-ra. all i know about this is a) the voice acting is Not Good, b) entrapdak is adorable, c) the gays won.

post-s1 miraculous ladybug. i hated it the first time i tried it, but i was super burned out on the fandom then anyway. maybe i just never gave it enough of a chance?? the canon playground of s1 feels super limiting now.

the dragon prince. the rayllum dynamic is adorable. that’s all i really cared about in s1, but maybe i’d find more things to care about if i gave it another try.

on recommendation:

trollhunters

the untamed

[bladekindeyewear]

Boots Reads Homestuck Epilogue(s) Part 13 - Candy Page 23

==>

This is going well, despite all the weirdness... it might not be so bad by the time I get to the end of all this.  Maybe my stomach can stop clenching as much from the Meat poisoning.

Then again, that’s what I thought when I was up to four-fifths through Meat and thought things were going to be resolved before the end.

So.

Anyway.  Reading.

In fact, all she did was tip her head at him and blink a few times, her long eyelashes catching the light, making her eyes look like mirrors. It was disconcerting for reasons that he couldn’t put his finger on. It’s not like Roxy had ever been argumentative, exactly. He just seems to remember someone from his youth who was somewhat more contrarian in spirit than this person he’s married to now.

God damnit... hypnotized, basically dead Roxy is worst Roxy.  I need that fucking explanation soon.

If she doesn’t get upset after what he’s about to pull today, then...

John doesn’t know what he’ll do.

Gosh that’s horrible.  I wish I didn’t have to go back to Meat if I ever wanted any more Real Roxy again... please, PLEASE, if NOTHING ELSE gets fixed in this stupid fucking Candy arc, PLEASE HAVE ROXY BACK TO NORMAL BEFORE THE END

That... that would be just the fucking icing on the cake, wouldn’t it?  I was already upset about Dirk not getting his due.  I was traumatized over how Jane, Jade, and Rose were left.  But ROXY was fine.  Roxy, pretty much my favorite character next to maybe Jade, or a good number of the others.  If this timeline gives me an alternate cliffhanger to lean on that spares the others to leave HER to shit, then I’d basically be left with nothing to stand on!  It’d be fucking worthless almost.

My stomach isn’t clenching YET, but I’m starting to fill with dread.

JOHN: harry anderson, don’t tell your mother but... JOHN: we’re getting a new addition to the family today!

Pfffff

serious kidnapping

And who said John was just a blank slate with no will of his own?? Fuck you, Dirk.  You knew about this timeline and you STILL said it.

Dave and Jade materialize behind everyone, he in a pressed red suit, she in a glittering Space dress. They’re both holding gifts wrapped in spare printer paper.

Look, you two looking cute is just rubbing salt in the wound of the relationship you fucked over, Jade.  You should have waited to make sure Dave and Karkat FINALLY ACCEPTED THEIR FUCKING RELATIONSHIP before moving in and potentially pushing one of them out, WHICH HAPPENED.

Oooh, smart human babby Tavvy.  ...He isn’t going to want to leave his family situation, is he.  John’s off the mark isn’t he.

Dave ruffles Harry Anderson’s hair. It’s nice that Dave is so woke and great with kids, but that really does invite the question of why he and Jade don’t have any yet. There’s still something sad and wistful about Dave at the moment, as he pointedly avoids letting Jade take his hand while they’re led into the game room.

GAAAAHHHHH

Could we at least BE ALLOWED TO PRETEND THERE’S A POSSIBLE FUTURE WHERE THESE PEOPLE’S RELATIONSHIPS ARENT THOROUGHLY FUCKING MESSED UP?????

I KNOW THESE CHARACTERS ARE MESSED UP BUT YOU HAVE TO AT LEAST GIVE US HOPE

AND WHERE’S THE HAPPY POTENTIAL PAIRING FOR JADE??? IT SEEMS LIKE THERE’S NO POTENTIAL FOR REAL MUTUAL HAPPINESS FOR HER BESIDES JADE X COMA!!!!!!!!!!

X(

God damn it Jane can be creepy.

She gained his affection the same way she gains everyone’s affection: she fucking bought it.

UUuuuuuuggghhhhh

...pff stars vs enemies of the state

John, stop making this so stranger-danger.

JOHN: are you ACTUALLY happy about it? JOHN: about... everything going on here? TAVROS: I suppose,,, TAVROS: My mother tends to get displeased when i’m unhappy, so,,,

uuuugughghghuhh

TAVROS: It just seems like a thing that would eventually happen to me, does it not?

D:

Oh wow, callback to Dirkbro abuse.  THAT’S gonna set John off.

Oh wow, Tavros knows his situation is bad enough that he’s willing to GO for it. All he’s worried about is the security.  YEAH John!!  Do your Breathy thing and get him out of here!!!

Tavros takes in a sharp breath before spinning on his heel and stumbling toward his closet. John catches the ghost of a smile on his face before he turns and that’s all it takes to turn the pounding of his heart from terrified to thrilled.

AAaaaaAAAAAH THIS IS ADORABLE SOMEHOW

She twitches her dog-ears and raises her face. Her mouth is a neutral line, but her eyes are burning furiously.

OH NOOOOOOO

FUCK, Jade don’t stop it!!! She’s... she’s gonna put her foot down and stop this just so everything can be all candy-coated and good on the SURFACE without hurting people OPENLY even if she and Jane and all the others are DEEPLY hurting everyone else under the surface!!!! D:

JOHN: jade, i don’t know where you’ve been these past few years, but i don’t think things CAN get any worse!

Yes exactly

JOHN: but there isn’t one, because everyone’s been all... brainwashed by marriage, or whatever the hell happened over the last few years that made things be this way!

Hmmmmmm

JOHN: well, you’re nothing like the jade i used to know either!

D:

Alright, huge blowup. Let’s air out some feelings.

JANE: I let go! I was actually RELIEVED to hear he died!!! ROXY: uhh ROXY: janey wut

HAhahahaah YES let’s get all that dirty laundry OUT IN THE OPEN

......Okay that didn’t end as well as expected.  Or... well I guess I KNEW it wouldn’t end well, but I’d hoped otherwise.

==>

Wait, so Terezi and John’s conversation is “in the dream bubbles”? Is that just because he’s talking to her while she’s skirting the edge of the storm in the Void rocketways, or because John’s from a somehow doomed/irrelevant/side timeline?

(Why does Terezi always have to be dying.  She figured herself out and how awesome she is.  Stop dying.  And I don’t mean like the sad walking off in Meat, though I guess that kind of counts.)

JOHN: if she cared about you as much as you care about her, she wouldn’t have fucked off like this forever.

YES JOHN

LAY

ON

THE

TRUTH

(Ghost!Vriska is the only one who really deserves to matter anymore.  This “alpha” Vriska just sank deeper into her problems and delusions beyond being able to really redeem herself or recognize them.  That diatribe she gave her ghost self was horrible back when.)

Wait, wait hold on

JOHN: if she cared about you as much as you care about her, she wouldn’t have fucked off like this forever. JOHN: driving you crazy with doubt and uncertainty, making you chase her through infinite nothingness until you almost starve to death... JOHN: she would have at least given you the courtesy of closure!

Is... is Andrew talking about the comic here and his relationship with the readers

is this some sort of apology for not giving this closure, like, as if he were the vriska that launched himself into the sun over his own artistic ideals or

hmm

JADE: doomed is not a word i would use to describe the condition of those on this world. JADE: even if my work is unsuccessful, the stakes for everyone here have nothing to do with the issue of mortality. JADE: to frame the matter that way would be misleading. JADE: to the extent that it is my naturally endowed duty to defend the innocent from wanton acts of destruction, from degradation and dissolution, JADE: it is also my duty to tell the truth to those i protect. JADE: and the simplest statement of truth for all of you to know is this: JADE: we are the lucky ones.

Calliope lets out a long, thin sigh from between the teeth of Jade’s corpse. It’s more for effect than anything, as corpses don’t actually need to breathe.

JADE: we are the ones fortunate enough to live in a reality that is beyond the influence of the prince.

Geez, it’s like escape from Lord English’s influence all over again.

They won only for everything to just fucking start over, everything they struggled to stop?  That sucks!!!  >:(

Anyway, still reading... god damnit Terezi don’t fly off and die for no fucking reason.

JOHN: then what DID you want?! TEREZI: L3TS S4Y... TEREZI: 1 JUST W4NT3D TO G1V3 YOU TH3 COURT3SY OF CLOSUR3

Fuck.  Yeah, let’s just keep fucking over Terezi, another one of my favorite characters.  Yes she lives and goes to fuck off somewhere in Meat with the villain of the week, but FUCK, couldn’t we get a SLIGHTLY clearer picture of her potential happiness than just THAT?????

It’s like the whole purpose of these epilogues was just to remind us that these characters were too fucked up to ever be happy!!!!

Couldn’t we have at least been left to IMAGINE OTHERWISE?!?????

JADE: not until i am able to deal with the prince myself. ARADIA: and when will that be

The meteor is passing beyond the fall of night. Dead-Jade, standing half in light, half in darkness, looks up at the sky.

JADE: not soon enough.

Ahh.  I’m getting an idea of the Postscript’s circumstances, then.  That was alt!Callie in this black-hole-powered Jade body going from THIS Candy timeline to go chase after Dirk and help stop him like everyone else, giving her a more powerful card to play than just the adult Jade she was having guide the others. (Maybe she could have that adult Jade FUCKING WAKE UP AND ABLE TO HELP instead of keeping her in a coma. That would be a pretty fucking nice change of pace.  Too bad we have to just IMAGINE IT without any reassurance that she’ll be awake or okay for YEARS TO COME, HUH.)

Also that means that resistance fighting is gonna break out with artillery and stuff because Jane is apparently a dunpass in both timelines.  Fuck.

==>

Swifer, can you stop swifing?

KARKAT: HOW THE HELL DO YOU TWO TOLERATE EACH OTHER? KANAYA: Quite Thoroughly Enthusiastically And Often

Pffffff :D

...Oh my God MEENAH landed here???  All ring-of-lifeways from the other timeline?  I guess the Furthest Ring was outside the scope of those timeilnes so she could’ve fallen in any of them... huh.  Heck, maybe the same Terezi who experienced those conversations eventually met the John from the Meat side of the timeline too.  And she said John smelled younger than she thought he was, oh my GOD, it WAS that.  It was that exactly.  The Terezi we’re hearing was the same across both Epilogue-halves.  That’s actually fucking fantastic!!!

MEENAH: capisces?

Fuck that pun

(Also Meenah is talking about how they lost, but she was knocked away before she saw the conclusion of the fight, so.)

...Holy SHIT Meenah is really taking to this!!! This is adorable.  :D

==>

John’s having some canon/existential ditherthoughts, hm.

He’s been contemplating this melodramatically for maybe ten minutes when the sky rips opens above him and flashes violent waves of red and green across the landscape.

Hm.  So do the black hole wormholes have some tie to the cherubic portal device from Hiveswap?

It’s his father’s car.

Mhmm, that confirms all of it, really.  Same Terezi in both stories.

A vast cry of sorts.  :(

Heading out for a while; gonna start from Page 27 in the next post.  I feel pretty good, somehow.  The way these two timelines tied together with Terezi outside them makes it feel like it all may have ultimately meant something.

[journeysintowebcomics]

Homestuck Epilogues - Epilogue

Surpriiiise, the liveblog for the Homestuck epilogues ends here, even though I have read only one half. Here, allow me to give you my thoughts and reasoning! After all, I did decide to liveblog for a reason. Let’s see, where to start...

So, allow me to give my general opinion about the epilogue.

I didn’t really enjoy it much. Honestly, in terms of liking Homestuck, it drags my opinion down a little further. It’s rather unusual, though...the epilogues are well written, they’re interesting to read, and the situations aren’t dull at all. The characters go through a lot of situations and the emotions are so raw you feel them. By all means it sounds like they would be quite the masterpiece, no?

After thinking it, I came to the conclusion that the reason why I didn’t enjoy the epilogue despite how good it was is because it didn’t feel like something that’d be part of Homestuck.

Throughout most of it I had this insistent sensation of reading something that’s slightly off. The conclusion I have reached is that this epilogue feels like the author (or authors, because turns out there’s more than one. That was mentioned in the prologue I failed to read, haha) thought of situations and roles and then tried to make the character fit them, instead of making the situations fit the characters. Nothing wrong with assigning roles to characters, of course! The problem is when you have to force the characters in to the point where it feels like something’s wrong.

I figure part of the reason why things feel off is because there were several authors, too. I don’t know if only one handled each character or what, but it does explain a character may be handled differently than how the original author would.

Something else that kind of makes the epilogues not work likely is that, well, it kind of feels the authors didn’t...really seem to notice just how bleak things were? Like, once again, even at its bleakest Homestuck had this sliver of hope that showed that things would be fine. I don’t mean everything has to be okay for the characters or anything like that, what I mean is that a story shouldn’t feel like the author or authors are writing something for the sake of crushing the characters until they’re mincemeat. Hussie was pretty good in not letting Homestuck feel like it was misfortune for the sake of misfortune, even when things were definitely grim.

Here, I’ll give a couple examples: Terezi, through some clever directions, got John killed by the denizens, Jade is missing and most likely dead because she couldn’t enter the session, and Dave and Rose are trapped in a session that can go nowhere. That by all means is a pretty bad situation, no? In a way it’s similar to how in the meat epilogue John is dead, Jade is unlikely to get back to normal, Rose is kidnapped, and Dave is the only one who can do something about it. So what’s the difference?

The difference is that, in the first situation, it doesn’t feel like the characters have hit a brick wall in their lives.

I believe it’s partly because it was the end of Homestuck, pretty much. Nothing else will come after this – maybe? Possibly? Hah, who knows. But that’s not the only reason, though. Even though John and Jade had died, everything indicated Rose and Dave could do something about it. Likewise, Dave would be instrumental on doing that, and although Rose was the only one who was kind of screwed, it felt she had agency and helped set things right. Now, compare that to the situation in the meat epilogue.

John is dead and it’s pretty unlikely he can be revived, given how it’s said it’s ‘theoretically possible’, which is far from a guarantee, so he’s as good as gone. Rose by now may be inside a robot, and given her situation and affliction, it’s rather unlikely she can be transferred back into her body, so she’ll have to cope with being in a metallic tin forever, and that’s supposing whatever Dirk did to her brain can be undone when he dies. Jade likely will have to stay possessed by Dead Calliope in order to ensure nobody else can take over the narrative. Dave is the only one who is kind of okay, really. Do you see the difference?

I’m not asking for there to be a clear way for the characters to get out of their problems, or for nothing bad to happen to them. It just is that, well, everything they went through seems to have been carefully engineered to leave them for the worse.

Pretty much all the characters had some sort of disgrace in the meat epilogue. I already mentioned the Wonderkids’ fates, so I won’t repeat them. Jane won the presidency and now is cheerfully descending the slippery slope towards turning into a human version of the Condesce. Jake is pretty much a slave to Jane, not taken seriously by anyone, and it’s implied he’ll be kind of a sexual slave to her whenever she wants one. Dirk is the villain and has doomed himself to dying by Dave’s hands, all while deluding himself about how this was the only way to do whatever he’s doing. Kanaya got her wife kidnapped and things likely won’t be the same due to the changes on Rose. Terezi is incredibly depressed and carrying John’s corpse in a wallet. Calliope is traumatized, locked in a room, and doing nothing but painting on the walls.

Out of everyone, Roxy and Karkaroni are pretty much the only ones who didn’t end worse than when they started.

So, now that I addressed the complaint I had about the meat epilogue, allow me to talk about the good things this epilogue had.

Honestly, leaving aside what I mentioned about characters and about how off it all felt, I definitely think it was pretty well-written. Other than the strangely descriptive meat-eating, the use of the wording is effective. Also, the situations were interesting and it made me want to read more, and if this weren’t the end of the story, I’d want to find out more. The many smaller plotlines were handled well, and it didn’t feel like any character other than the Calliope who is alive got pushed aside for convenience. Rarely a story can handle a large number of characters without making a few be so prominent they make everyone else look like background filling instead of characters in their own right, but here they managed to make almost all characters matter in the story.

The ending was satisfying in some manner even though it was an open ending. It felt rather appropriate and I loved it, honestly. The adventure goes on! And the way the story closed with that bizarre postscript made clear no more can be expected to be written about these characters. In terms of ending, I found it rather nice. Open-ended but not too open-ended, unlike Act 7. I think the difference between these two endings is that the epilogue didn’t have something hyped up for three thousand pages, unlike Homestuck with the Lord English fight. The meat epilogue ending left open threads but none of them was the elephant in the room, so to say. Do you understand what I’m saying? Everything the epilogue was about was solved in some manner – the fight with Lord English, the president of earth elections, and Dirk’s takeover of the narrative – so all that was left open in the end was the characters facing something new, even if it was a consequence of the plotlines of the meat epilogue.  That’s the way an open ending should be like, I say.

Overall I think if this was a standalone story with its own characters, world and logic, it’d be a pretty damn good short story and I’d have loved it to bits. I said it before and I say it again: the downfall of this epilogue is that the Homestuck characters don’t fit well the roles they have here.

So, now what?

I thiiiink I won’t liveblog the Candy liveblog. Based on what I have already read on it, it doesn’t seem like my general opinions would change much. The situations are shaping up to be different than the ones in the meat epilogue, but I keep having that persistent feeling everything’s off. I have decided in my own time I will read the candy epilogue and the prologue I didn’t see until I was told it existed, but I won’t liveblog my opinions. Is it deceitful of me to stop the liveblog here? Maybe. But in the end, well, that’s how I think I will maximize my enjoyment of what’s left of the epilogues, so it’s for the best.

So, this is the final update for Homestuck, most likely. I like the thought of considering the meat epilogue the canon ending for Homestuck due to the sense of finality it has. Not the brightest ending ever, but it’s an ending that feels more...ending-y than Act 7, I’d say. So yeah! I’m glad I chose to read these epilogues despite the myriad of negative opinions I heard both from messages I received in my inbox and from friends.

Thank you very much for reading these few updates! From the next update on this website onwards, we’ll return to our regular programming.

[basic-bb-asks]

Not an ask but the father daughter dynamic of your baldi and Emily (my little headcanon playtime name cause I have boy of a Pink Floyd addiction) is to hecking cute!! Also did one of the goops mention sweeps?... that’s an alternian term so does that mean this baldi universe is connected to homestuck?

gosh, every universe is connected to homestuck.

Yeah this takes place in one of those homestuck universes. Because HIC is y’know, bonkers, she goes out and conquers the universe. She rules for a bit, never QUITE reaching Earth before she gets overthrown by ANOTHER space dictator. This time it’s Skeleton King from the “hit” 2000′s cartoon, Super robot monkey team hyperforce Go. He takes one of the most useful and widely available creatures and turns them into his main attack, and they can even spread his control like a plague. This is the Goops, or Formless as they’re called. Baldi is one of these, but not one under Skeleton King’s rule.

This sucks, but honestly it’s not too bad. 

A few sea dwelling trolls go off and start their own colony. Those eventually turns into the Undints that Kaleida was raised with. Hence the use of Alternian language.

So under The Skeleton King’s rule, a bunch of demons and stuff get released into the universe because of course it happens, it’s Skeleton King. The plot of the original show happens, except season five actually happens. The team and every ally they made in the previous seasons, and a few enemies turned friends fight against the newly resurrected Skeleton king, and get rid of him for good. But residues of his empire remain. His Formless Minions shamble around, awaiting a command that will never come. The damage from years of torture leaves many planets barren, dying. The planet that witnessed his first fall was showered with his essence. The planet takes a turn. It is no longer Earth as we know it, but as a planet of Magic, Humans and Monsters. 

They lived together in harmony on Earth, Humans and Monsters. But then, One day, war broke out, much sooner than expected. The Humans and monsters were evenly matched. The humans, strong in both body and spirit, had a strong grip on the physical world. The monsters, in all their shapes and sizes, took advantage of the dark essence around them, and used it for light, and for magic. The war ended in a peace treaty, and the humans and monsters lived apart. Except for select places, where they lived closer than ever.

As the races grew older, they became more physical, more like humans and the animals they hunted. As the generations passed, the use of magic became less and less of a common trait. Until eventually, monsters, having diversified into every shape and size imaginable, were just as strong as humans. With all the physical stuff too.

Undertale never happened, but everyone who took part still exists.

It was around this time that Baldi was created, and left to wander Earth.

Over the sea there was The Social Movement of Despair. The humans in that area were affected by the residue of the Skeleton King. It gripped young teenage idol, Junko Enoshima tighter than most, and she and her sisters rose as leaders of the movement. But, the darkness in their hearts, and their cravings for despair were too much, and they all took their own lives, each in their own spectacular way. Pretty lucky for all the people who went to high school with them, who weren’t forced to killed each other in a big battle royal style despair game, thanks to Junko dying early. Really lucky! Really really Lucky!!

So lucky in fact, that one of them won the opportunity to go live in a specific city, and go to a specific school. The city was more full of monsters than he expected, but he went along with it. He would just explore, and his luck you lead him to where he was looking for, but would it be to the place he planned to go?

Then, their eyes met. The human’s eyes met the skelton’s eyes, one 2 feet shorter than the other. They scanned each other’s hoodies, on green, one blue. They knew they were destined to meet the second they saw each other.

The lines crossed in just such a perfectly impossible way, so that Nagito Komaeda Danganronpa just so happens to meet Comic Sans Undertale.

They end up having the same sense of humor, and had a lot in common. And they went on stage for karaoke, and made up a song about KANYE WEST on the spot to the tune of the king of all monsters theme. It went viral. People made a weekly holiday based on it. They were overnight stars. And they live happy lives because i want them too.

This timeline was made specifically so that Sans and Komaeda would make Fingers in his ass sunday.

Frisk ended up living a normal life, meeting a cute ghost demon ex-human, and having the most annoying kid in the universe. Instead of a gender reveal party, they had a cake that said “it’s a bully” 

Skeleton King was resurrected, but not even Skeleton king know this. Trouble will ensue.

All this Baldi stuff? Just a side-effect of all this.

[eviipaiadin]

12

12. Your in game inside jokes/memes/catchphrases and where they came from.

There’s a reason I tag our campaign as ‘Dungeons & Shitposting’. But here’s a list of all the dumb in-jokes I’ve had over my years of playing and running games. (Under a read more because it’s a lot)

D&D 4e or ‘OTK the Campaign’

“Bards are just better warlords!”

“I’m working with this really cool archfey. She’s kinda underground, you’ve probably never heard of her.”

Raviel Thade, Door-to-Door Raven Queen Salesperson

“...You never said that your Vicious Mockery was dealing non-lethal damage to the cow...”

“I’m a paladin, right? That means these villagers respect me, right?”

“...And there goes the halfling, hoping to hitchhike to meet some competent adventurers...”

Homestuck 4e or ‘I Am The Only Person In This Damn Campaign That Doesn’t Know No Houseglueds’

“Evii, do you have a +1 in any stat at all?”

“His name is literally ‘Villain’. I ain’t trusting him.”

Pokemon Religion vs Fusion Science

“Why are you guys laughing so hard? All I did was push him down some stairs.”

Legends or ‘The Origins of Captain Creig Cornswaggle, the Courageous Commander of The Cruel Craven and Co-Owner of The Crow’s Call’

Literally anything about Captain Creig Cornswaggle, the Courageous Commander of The Cruel Craven and Co-Owner of The Crow’s Call

“Diplomancy: Friendship Really is Magic.”

“...And then I stuck her with my shadow sword!” | “Is that what kids are calling it nowadays?”

“Ew, I can’t believe you’re into dead people.” | “For the last time, I’m a necroMANCER not a necroPHILIAC!”

Gregory the goblin head

“No, we are not selling the avatar of god into slave labour.” | “BUT THINK OF THE PROFITS THAT COULD BE USED FOR ORPHANAGES, GERARD! YOU LOVE THAT WEIRD GOODY-TWO-SHOES SHIT, RIGHT?!”

“If you’re gonna threaten us to kill something for you and you’re that tough, do it your damn self.”

“Voice is a privilege reserved for the GM and the GM alone. You players peasants must use text.”

“I can’t fucking believe the fate of the world once again rests in the hands of the two (2) short ones.”

“No, you cannot build a mountain of corpses to escape. I’M RAILROADING YOU SO I CAN REINTRODUCE A PLAYER CHARACTER. STOP BEING DIFFICULT.”

“I surrender, suckers.”

“My pirate gear is the HEIGHT of fashion. Keep your stinkin’ tux to yourself.”

Fate or ‘Evii Makes a Weird Character for Extended Pun Purposes’

Peter ‘Pan’ Handel

“He’s 50% man, 50% goat, 50% alligator.”

“You still sound Russian. Gimme some more vodka, maybe that’ll fix it.”

(It was a single very short session so not much memes there, unfortunately.)

World of Darkness or ‘Deadbeat Dirty Drug Cop and Rich Kid with a Penchant for Speed Ruin Everything at Record Speed’

“I slap him with the mummy hand.”

“How many levels do I need to put into [stat] before I can dual-wield shotguns?”

“How many sanity points does it cost for me to make a one-liner here?”

“We might not have a silver bullet. But maybe there’s enough silver in the five hundred (500) bullets we pumped into him to do the trick.”

“I can’t believe our most powerful ally is a devil hooker.”

Pokemon Tabletop Adventures 1 or ‘Lie Detector is Overpowered’

“Your character is [age between 20-55]? None of these tokens work for that.”

“I attempt to read the sign.” | “It says [whatever’s on the sign].” | “HEY GUYS, THE SIGN SAYS [whatever’s on the sign]!”

“My ahegao is a built-in lie detector.” | “YOUR WHAT?!” | “You know, the dumb single standing up hair.” | “THAT’S NOT WHAT AHEGAO MEANS, EVII!!”

“I believe in my Shuppet. So that means it does an extra... 8d6 damage.” | “Fuck off.”

Pokemon Tabletop Adventures 2 or ‘Who Let Me Be In Charge?!’

Bipen begins.

“Oh no, not Bidoofs!”

“...So you killed her Charmander.” | “OOPS!”

D&D 5e 1 or ‘The Wheatley Featherstep Saga’

Another character that exists for Evii to make bad puns

“Kaiser is the best and the strongest and can beat Baphomet with two (2) arms tied behind her back.”

Decibel the definitely-a-drow

Owly the owl

“So you can’t actually roll low enough to be hit by the aftermath explosions from these things...”

Decibel dying and immediately being reincarnated by a giant magic thing

Wheatley banishing Baphomet and all the demons back to the Abyss by accident, saving Kaiser and also kicking off the Wedding Crashers Arc

Wheatley’s Double Death Room

Wheatley, Lawful Good Monk, befriends local Chaotic Evil vrock

Wheatley adopts a fire snake after being complicit in murdering her family (oops!)

Halfling Lucky can’t save you if you roll a billion 1s in a row

Sultan of Many Titles vs Chiyoko of Many Titles+1

“You know, if you had actually had the Deck of Many Things on your person, you would’ve auto-won the encounter.”

“Why can’t I beat an 11 on Insight checks?!”

D&D 5e 2 or ‘Dungeons & Shitposting’

���Salith has the strongest drow fists in existence.”

“She has a tentacle rod and we are ending the conversation there.”

“Bitch!”

[Arceusawful Russian accent] “What do you call dark elf who cannot swim?”

Kana the NPC slayer

“For the Sea Mothah!” [fish slap]

“I fucking hate spiders.” | “I fucking love spiders!” (These two (2) characters are now dating.)

The Nature Society has made lumberjacking illegal.

Everything about Nappa/Cabbage, really

“’Allo! My name is, ‘ow you say, Ree Asho!”

The Cavalry

I am kana man 410,757,864,530 DEAD KOBOLDS

“Hey Frank”

 Speedrunning the campaign

“Look you guys, the beholder isn’t even at full power!”

Potion of Good Performance (not actually a sex thing!)

A traditional derro and kuo-toa burial

“The tree did it!”

The Messenger’s Guild

The Cyrus is Framed and No One has Fun for at Least Five (5) Sessions Arc

The Return of Bipen (”I’m a Dragon~!”)

The Return of Captain Creig Cornswaggle, the Courageous Commander of The Cruel Craven and Co-Owner of The Crow’s Call

The Tomb of Pharaoh Phasulias, Home of Pharaoh Phasulias

Demon lycanthropy is extra bad lycanthropy

Torchguard Commander Rickert is tired, grumpy, but kinda hot (at least to Navi)

“You’re Linda!!” (can’t remember if that was the right name)

The We Kinda Got Invited to a Wedding But Only a Few of Us are Still Playing the Characters that Knew the NPCs Getting Married so the Impact is Greatly Lessened as a Result Arc

Yoil Kreth and the Mechanized Execution Combative Heavy Axe (MECHA for short)

Oh Boy More Travelling NPCs We Really Don’t Care About

My awful impressions of Cyrus and Bipen when their players aren’t around

Fluffy is a Good BoyTM

Themberchaud the Fat Cat Dragon

Thesmachaud is buff, scary, but kinda hot (at least to Kana)

“Oh god we killed Buppido!”

“Your demon sense senses a billion (1,000,000,000) demons.”

D&D 5e 3 or ‘Evil Squad’

>hags

The Conch Horn Plan

Mr. Skeletal the First to Mr. Skeletal the Third

Magnifying glass

Portable ram

KOTA WE’RE ALL DUMBASSES JUST TELL US THE FUCKING ANSWER

“GIVE ME BACK KUBAZAN!” | “HE’S MINE, YOU GAVE HIM UP!”

“Okay, I am not gonna put my hand back in that hole.”

“OUR GODDESS WAS A 2WHO?!” (Related: “IS THAT A 2WHO?!”)

Thanks, druid friend, for your important contributions

“Leviathan!” | “It’s Laevaetaen!” | “Laeviathan!”

D&D 5e Mini or ‘I Miss You, Hug-Hug’

“Fuck you, I’m muting my mic for the rest of this session.”

Hug-Hug being the cutest lil gobbo ever

The Ten Billion (10,000,000,000) Hour Sacrifice Debate Room

D&D 5e 4 or ‘I Hate Time Travel’

:rasande_confused:

Soul micromanaging everyone’s characters

:salazar_dark:

“Keep the fisting to a minimum, my monkish friend.”

Barin, Champion of Booze

[insert ff14 realm reborn cutscene instead of narration here]

“Wait, our group is the one (1) that best understands this plot?!”

D&D 5e 5 or ‘Spooky Shadowfell Scures’

John ‘Thicccc’ Taric

“I have a very sharp shovel.”

[goggles that make you have night vision]

“Form of...!”

i’m missing some smaller one-shots and stuff but i can’t think of any major memes to come from them

[cjcroen1393]

I did another Hunger Games simulator thing XD I did three, actually--Homestuck, Durarara and Pokemon! Here’s the Homestuck version!

Homestuck is easier with these, because I can be super liberal with killing off characters.

Let the games begin!

So far so good.

Dangit Karkat and Jane!

I love how PM scares WV. It’s somehow simultaneously in-character and out of character for her XD

And dangit Equius, Feferi called dibs on that trident!

NO! NOT ROXY! D’:

So far so good.

Of course Equius makes a slingshot and Feferi discovers a river.

And you should run Jake. Run from the vampire with the chainsaw!

Ah the fatalities. Goodbye Karkat, Jane, Roxy and Vriska. You will be missed.

Wow, PM. Rude.

Jade must’ve been desperate for warmth if she was huddling with EQUIUS. She’ll be soaked with sweat tomorrow.

Dave, Kanaya and Dirk helping each other is kinda sweet. Bi boy, lesbian lady and gay guy looking out for each other. If only it could be that way in real life.

Feferi does WHAT now!? What kind of backwards universe have I stumbled into!? Unless something is up...

I’d be running from Gamzee too, guys.

And Aradia, EVERYONE’S questioning your sanity.

Day 2 begins.

NOOOOO! TAVROS! DIRK WHY!?

The two Time players are competing, it seems.

Poor Tav. If only his death wasn’t so painful.

Caliborn’s dead!?

...

HOORAY!

But Dave is dead too! Dirk and Kanaya won’t be happy there.

Dirk and Kanaya are probably comforting each other over Dave’s unfortunate passing.

Poor Calliope.

NO! NOT THE MAYOR!

And also, DANGIT SOLLUX! NOT AGAIN!

Well, Terezi’s down for the count. It looks like Feferi’s kind of the mastermind here. I like to think that in this universe, the Condesce is the one in charge of the games and Fef is planning to abolish them after winning.

Ouch, poor Sollux.

Casualties. They will be missed.

Except Caliborn. Caliborn got what he deserved.

Aww, Gamzee and Jake are bonding. As are Rose and Calliope.

Aradia’s gonna be furious that she wasn’t included in that ghost story session.

Dirk’s probably thinking about Dave, poor guy.

Equius practicing archery? Expected. Calliope stalking Eridan? I think it should be the other way around.

And everyone’s ganging up on poor Jade.

Aradia and PM are down for the count!

They will be missed.

Aww, Calliope’s helping Rose out! And jeez Gamzee really has to protect that fire, doesn’t he?

Jade and Equius are getting along better than I would expect.

Uh-oh...that can’t be good...

Nepeta is a rogue, so that’s not surprising.

NOOO! NOT KANAYA!

Poor thing.

NO! NOT CALLIOPE!

Feferi’s conscience must be catching up to her. Maybe she’s starting to see that winning may not be worth it?

The Harleyberts are talking and something’s up with Rose, I think.

That’s awfully nice of you, Fef. RUN JAKE! IT’S A TRAP!

Not so STRONG now huh Eq?

Goodbye, Calliope. You and Roxy are reunited in the next life.

No incest, though.

Hey, the Meowrails died at the exact same time! Imagine that!

Gamzee’s out too. Fef took down the clown.

That’s some feast there.

I WOULD BE TOO, FEFERI! Is assassinating the Empress and abolishing the games really worth all this!?

Wow, that is a LOT of death.

I dunno about that, Jade.

ACK! Poor Jake!

And Feferi’s dying, but I like to think she was close to Eridan’s camp when she realized what was going on and gave one last request...

One last list of casualties...

And so, Eridan honored Feferi’s last request and won the Hunger Games...and then, as Her Imperial Condescension tried to congratulate him, he used Feferi’s trident to kill her, before rallying the people to rise up and abolish the Hunger Games for good.

Well that was fun! I’ll probably post the other two sometime!

[thewadapan]

Cowboy

(I wrote a short story for the Homestuck Discord’s first writing contest. This is where I’d put a content warning, but if I’m any more specific I’ll spoil it, so consider this a warning of its own.)

Mad Joey had never been much good at naming things. He was good at cards, and drinking large quantities of terrible lager, and had quite the uncanny ability to walk more than ten feet on his hands alone - but whenever he was asked to name something, he’d just pick the first thing that came into his head. On his tenth birthday, his mother had bought him a cat, which he’d named “Kitty” - it had ended up dying a couple of months later, in an unfortunate accident involving a litter tray and a lighter. His mother had herself died only a few months after that, coincidentally in another incident involving a lighter - although, in this case, it had not been a litter tray, but rather several gallons of petrol.

The name “Mad Joey” had been his own invention, too. All of his friends (well, both of them) agreed that it was a terrible name: Joey was not mad - so they argued - just a bit of a prick.

Despite the fact that he’d been riding on it for almost two whole days, Mad Joey’s workhorse had yet to receive a name of its own. It was a tired thing, propelled along by four spindly legs which somehow managed to transmit each and every undulation of the ground beneath up through the worn saddle and straight into Mad Joey’s ass - even though not one of its legs touched the floor. The workhorse’s repulsor technology worked fine on the level roads found on the core planets, where remaining a fixed difference above the ground made for a relatively smooth ride. Here in the outer reaches, however, its lack of suspension was sorely felt.

“Piece o’ shit,” Mad Joey muttered, thinking that’d make a fine name for his steed.

Glancing back through the thick cloud of fine smoke being kicked up behind his vehicle, Mad Joey could see the faint outline of his pursuer’s speeder - noticeably bigger than the last time he’d looked. He was losing ground.

Searing pain shot through Mad Joey’s arm, the product of a harpoon fired by the pilot of the craft behind. “Fuck!” he yelled as he let go of the reins and tried to pull it free. “Son of a bitch!” It was no use. The cable was already taut; he found himself being dragged from the craft, face-planting into the dust below and rolling to a stop.

By the time he’d recovered, the other speeder had come to a stop. He ignored it and remained where he was on the windswept ground. With his good arm, he tore off his helmet. Though it stank something fierce, the air here was just about breathable - of course, it’d have to be, for what he was planning.

Mad Joey sat up, retrieved his flask from his suit, and took a long swig of the whiskey contained within. It tasted like piss, and he almost choked on it. He watched out of the corner of his eye as the speeder’s occupant climbed out and approached through the settling smoke. “A’ight mate, this has been a laugh, but enough’s enough,” a voice crackled from behind the mirrored glass of their helmet. “You gonna come quietly? I got a taser.”

Mad Joey laughed at that. He was busy stuffing a rag into the flask - a difficult task, with just one hand to work with, but not an impossible one. “Not a chance, partner,” he said, trying the word out for size.

“The fuck’s that voice you’re doing?”

Slowly, Mad Joey got to his feet. “Here’s how this is gonna go down,” he drawled. “You’re gonna turn around, get back in that speeder, and mosey the hell away from this dustball.”

His adversary took a step forward. “And why the fuck’s that?”

Mad Joey gestured around expansively. “Gunpowder.”

“You what?”

After a moment’s hesitation, Mad Joey chose to repeat himself. “...Gunpowder.”

“Nah mate, I heard you, it’s just…” They trailed off, their helmet swivelling as they took in their surroundings - as if for the first time. “Wait, that’s what this shit is?”

In answer, Mad Joey brandished a lighter. This proved tricky, because his good hand already had a flask in it, but he managed.

“Naaah, that’s fuckin’ batty. The whole planet’s made of this shit. How the fuck would a rock like this even form?” They shook their head. “This is why you’re doing all cowboy shit, innit?”

“Ah’m gonna blow this whole place sky high,” Mad Joey said, “go out in a blaze o’ glory.” His bad arm was stinging like a bitch. His good hand was shaking. “They’ll see the blast from the central planets.”

The lawperson looked around again, one hand raised to their helmet to shield their eyes. It was almost midday, and the sun bore down brightly. “No, they won’t - there won’t be any blast, mate, the wind’ll put it out.”

Mad Joey faltered. “Reckon it’ll be enough to take the both of us out, at least.” He looked down at the cable dangling from his arm. It was like a lasso, he thought. “Get outta here. Tell ‘em Mad Joey won, tell ‘em he burned his way into hell.”

“You didn’t win shit,” they snorted - forcing a burst of static out through the speakers in their suit. “They had the fires out in like, ten minutes - fire service’s a lot better than it used to be. They literally only want you for wasting everyone’s time.” They advanced, arms spread wide - but Mad Joey raised the lighter, and they froze. “This is fucking daft,” they pressed. “Mate, look, I dunno who you are, I dunno how you found this rock, but you gotta admit this is a bit much.”

Mad Joey looked away, and his gaze fell upon the workhorse, which had crashed into a nearby dune and now rested with all four legs pointing in the air. “I killed my mu- mom,” he stuttered. “I burned the house down with her in it, ‘cause she was a bitch, and nobody knew I did it.”

“You…” The lawperson reached up with both hands and removed their helmet. From beneath the mirrored glass, Mad Joey saw a face emerge which was a faint reflection of his own - older, with bleached-blonde hair - and heard a distantly familiar voice. “...Joel?”

“Mum,” said Mad Joey. He staggered forward, dropping the lighter and the flask. They fell into the gunpowder, which didn’t ignite.

“I didn’t even recognise you,” she said, tears running down her cheeks. “You look like shit. Also, you were talking in a fucking cowboy voice, you twat.”

“I just thought it’d be cool,” sobbed Mad Joey. “Cowboys are so fucking cool, Mum,” he bawled.

“Shh,” Joel’s mother said, drawing him into a hug. “You don’t have to be a cowboy to be cool.”

“I know, Mum, I’m so sorry-”

“-No, I’m sorry,” she said, squeezing him tighter. “I’m sorry I was such a shit mum. After- after the fire- after I’d thought you died- I tried to sort my shit out, really.”

“You did, Mum,” said Mad Joey. “You’re a fuckin’ police lady. That’s cool as shit.” After a couple of moments, he pushed her away slightly. “Watch this,” he said, taking a couple of steps back. He sucked in a deep breath, then quickly bent over forwards, flipping up so that he was standing on his hands. Unfortunately, one of his arms still had a harpoon sticking out of it, and it gave way instantly - sending him crashing into the dust with a shriek. “Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck!”

“I-” started his mother, not really sure what she’d just witnessed.

“Nah, nah, I’m all- fuck! I’m- I’m all right. Fuck. Was just… I can do this cool thing, where I walk on my hands, y’know.”

“I know,” she nodded, not knowing. She knelt down next to him and put an arm around his shoulders. “I’m sorry I shot you - we’ll get you to a hospital or something, get it looked at, yeah?”

“Are- are you gonna arrest me?” asked Mad Joey, haltingly.

His mother nodded again. “You did crimes, Joel. I’m sorry.” She reached into a compartment in her suit and pulled out a pair of handcuffs. “I know I’m your mum, but crimes are against the law.”

“Yeah, okay.” Mad Joey wiped the tears from his eyes, before holding out his hands. Once the handcuffs were on, his mother helped him into the speeder, and - as they flew away - he stared down at the planet of gunpowder in pensive thought. After thinking for a while, he spoke up. “Mum… now that we’re up here… do you wanna set the gunpowder off?”

She turned around in the driver’s seat. “Haven’t you burnt enough things today?”

Joel supposed he had.

Commentary

The Homestuck Discord got a new #writing channel towards the end of December, last year, after a survey in which a few users requested one. For some reason I didn’t post there until over a month later, but - as the amount of time I spent in the server increased - I found myself growing fairly invested in the channel. See, it’s always struggled a lot in terms of activity - often playing host to one or two short conversations, if that - and, as it was introduced on an experimental basis, it’s always in danger of being archived.

This isn’t really the place to examine the channel in detail. What I will say is that perhaps its most important role is to provide a place for people to shill their own writing, where it would otherwise be buried in #general or laughed out of #mspa-lit.

I’m pretty sure I was the first person to meaningfully suggest doing a #writing contest, all the way back towards the end of February: “could be a two-week contest with a decent prompt, where idk the winning story gets posted in #shilling or something”. It wasn’t until after spiral became the art-cosplay pseudo moderator that anything came of this - only instead of one prompt, there was to be four, and instead of a #shilling post being the prize a couple of the server’s resident artists offered to grant a free commission to each of the winners.

Determined to put my money where my mouth was, I got right to work on my own entry. First, I had to pick from the prompts:

DIALOGUE PROMPT: "You don't want to live in a society like this, yet you don't want to do anything about it!"

ART PROMPT: “Chilly Night” by Martyna "Marcia" Chmielewska

SETTING PROMPT: A vast, barren planet devoid of most resources except one rare mineral.

SENTENCE PROMPT: In the ballroom, full of swishing skirts and duplicity, there was one thing left unaccounted for.

I was sorely tempted by the “we live in a society” prompt, but didn’t think it’d be possible to incorporate it naturally into a piece.

(As it happened, a few people did choose that prompt, and I was pleasantly surprised by how effectively they used the line.)

In the end, I settled on the one which fell within my own comfort zone - the setting prompt. I remembered seeing a post by Drew Linky which mentioned “nitroglycerin”, and - even if it didn’t quite fit the spirit of the prompt - I couldn’t get the idea of a planet made entirely of explosives out of my head. So I ran with it.

I did a bit of research into what large amounts of dynamite looked like when they exploded - by which I mean I watched some random YouTube video - and decided that gunpowder would be a much more evocative substance to make a planet from; it’d look like black sand.

The thing that I found most rewarding when writing this story was that each new idea felt like a natural progression from the last. Gunpowder evoked Western stories, so I decided to present the story as a standard Western - only to pull the rug out from under the reader as the description of the “workhorse” progresses and it becomes apparent that the story’s set in place. I wanted to have an outlaw and a sheriff of sorts, and they needed to be on the planet for a reason.

You can probably guess how the story’s opening line came about. I was staring at a brand new Google Doc and wanted to give it a title, and went with the first thing that came into my head: “Cowboy”. To get myself in the mood, I wound up reading some article about gambling in the Old West (effectively none of which made its way into the story). All of the little details and anecdotes in the first couple of paragraphs were pulled pretty much from thin air; I very much wrote this story by the seat of my pants, rarely stopping to go back and edit or to plan ahead, so in retrospect I’m pretty pleased with the extent to which I was able to incorporate them into the story’s climax.

The idea that Joey’s workhorse has no suspension was probably inspired on a subconscious level by the scooter which I used to ride as a kid. It had solid wheels, which meant you felt every bump in the road. Boy, that thing was fun. The ground’s described as having undulations, by which I meant the wavy patterns left in wind-swept sand; the fact that the planet’s windy is important, as it’s later stated that Mad Joey probably won’t be able to spread a fire across its whole surface.

I liked the idea that the workhorse was kicking up a big cloud of gunpowder as it went - kinda like those ships in The Last Jedi - which seemed to mirror the semi-literal trail of smoke which Mad Joey had been leaving all his life. Speaking of things inspired by sci-fi, didn’t somebody get a harpoon through a limb in Firefly? I had a specific image in my head when I wrote that scene, but I’ve forgotten where exactly it was from.

The line about the air being breathable plants the idea that he’s planning to set something on fire - of course, by then, we already know he’s capable of arson.

I probably only included the beat about whiskey because of the infamous “pass the whiskey” voice line from Fistful of Frags, which I’d briefly played a month or so prior to writing the story. From there, the idea that he’d make a kind of Molotov cocktail using the whiskey was a natural step - see what I mean about this story writing itself?

It’s around this point that the dialogue kicks in. When I wrote this story, I’d been working on “The Beast Within (My Pants)” for a good couple of months, and I quickly found myself slipping into the abrasive cartoonishly-British voice I’d used for many of those characters. Mad Joey himself speaks with my own poor impression of a cowboy, which seemed about right. In all honesty, I’m not sure how well the conversation comes off. My goal was to juxtapose the absurdity of many of the lines against the fact that Mad Joey is getting talked down from the edge, so to speak.

I found myself tripping over the fact that I hadn’t established a gender to his pursuant - I’d given them an opaque helmet and described them in ambiguous terms to keep my options open. In reality, this effectively shut down other avenues for the story’s resolution, because - in terms of economy of narrative - I had to provide some kind of payoff. Glancing back at the beginning of the story told me that I had only one option - Mad Joey was being chased by none other than his own mother. I felt like this was an effective twist because her dialogue seems pretty... laddish? It also generally seems to fit the themes of contrivance and absurdity I’d established with, y’know, a planet made of gunpowder.

The turning point occurs around the time that Mad Joey looks at the workhorse and sees it lying dead on the ground. You see him almost drop his persona in the line “I killed my mu- mom”; he soon drops the drawl entirely.

After the twist is revealed, the dissonance ramps up to eleven. I’m particularly happy with the exchange “Cowboys are so fucking cool, mum” / “Shh. You don’t have to be a cowboy to be cool.” Also,  “You did crimes, Joel. I’m sorry. I know I’m your mum, but crimes are against the law.” Something I’ve always found is that, in real life, emotionally-charged moments like this are often very ugly things, where the things people say would seem very strange to an outsider. Mad Joey’s attempt to walk on his hands serves to emphasise this theme.

In terms of the story’s main theme, it’s... kind of a story about shilling? Or at least, within the context of #writing itself, it’s about doing things you don’t really want to do just for the sake of being known, of having people pay attention to you. Ultimately, the story presents this as something harmful - it almost leads to Mad Joey’s oblivion - and says that resolution comes from people who already care as opposed to the nebulously-defined world at large.

I paid a fair bit of attention to the presentation of the story, because I wanted to draw people into it. Once I’d written it, I deliberately cut it down until it fit on four pages instead of four-and-a-bit; I thought people’d be more inclined to read a four-page story than a five-page one. I’ve been trying to minimise my use of italics for a while now - it’s a crutch, and it causes trouble when copying text around - which I suppose would hypothetically make it easier for people to post quotes in Discord without having to mess around adding markdown back in. There are a couple of places where I had no choice but to use italics, but for the most part I think this was a successful effort.

The plan, once I’d drawn readers in, was to challenge them. The use of profanity is excessive. The story’s central conceit doesn’t make a lot of sense. The twist is contrived. The ending doesn’t quite feel complete. Like Mad Joey’s own persona, this was, to a certain extent, an attention-seeking stunt. Why, then, was this story met with abject silence?

See, #writing is slow enough that most of its users see everything that happens there. A lot of other stories got feedback of some kind. If you think I’m going somewhere with this, I’m not - I was genuinely quite perplexed by this response, and still am. Oh well. The three winning entries all turned out to be genuinely better than my own - which I was glad for, because the thought of this piece o’ shit being the best thing the Homestuck Discord could muster is pretty depressing.

Speaking of depressing, the second contest is in a very strange limbo at the moment, having received only a handful of entries and having provoked little to no discussion. I’ve been pretty busy working on other stuff, and wasn’t too fussed on the prompts, so I guess I’m at least partially to blame for that. Hopefully the channel will flourish a little more in the future...

If you enjoyed this story, you might enjoy the short stories I wrote for the r/WritingPrompts subreddit a couple of years ago, which can be found under the header What Our Future Looks Like on the list of things I made. Some of them are pretty ropey, so read at your own risk! In terms of my longer works, I recommend checking out Retrace Steps.

See you space cowboy...

[dottenator]

@hussie

Respectfully....

WHAT THE FUCK

One little note before I begin my serious thoughts: Hussie how could you kill the Mayor? It absolutely pales in comparison to everyting else, but come on dude.

I'm gonna try to work out my frustrations in the order I read these, meat and then candy, so....

Meat

How dare you do this to Dirk.

That's the thing which keeps sticking to me, honestly. They won! The game is over, Dirk has friends who love him, why this?? Why is Dirk destined to go completely nuts and do such horrible and awful things, ciolating the mental autonomy of everyone he supposedly cares about? Jake and Jane's feelings in the earlier parts of the epilogue, before the meddling becomes so overt, are significantly more creepy and invasive once it becomes clear that Dirk is making them think like this. The way they break down with his influence removed is horrifying. Dirk is such a fantastic character and I'm supposed to accept that he never grows out of thinking he can control everyone? That I'm not allowed an epilogue in which he calms the fuck down and lets himself not be in charge? I don't care at this point of that's considered wish fulfillment, give him a HAPPY ENDING for once. Not this bullshit. I'm not even gonna call that ~~Ultimate Self~~ thing by the name of the character I love. He doesn't deserve this.

Rose and Kanaya were our one good thing, and then this?? Dirk fucks with Rose's autonomy and fragile mental state to trick her away from her wife forever? The Rosemary wedding was the best thing about the original snapchat epilogue. The two of them are perfect for each other, they were happy god damn it, and I don't like any brand of storytelling that decides to split up the immortal god lesbians for pointless egotistical drama. Kanaya's fury and grief when she's allowed control over her own thoughts again is the most terrifying thing, because it really shows just how far from their understood, canon selves they really were in this epilogue. (The use of the word canon is really touchy to me after All This, but atm it's the best way to describe "the characterization we all know and love from previously established sources")

Everyone died beating English. Sure, why not. All the ghosts, Vriska, the teen kids, John everyone. It makes me unbelievably sad to imagine any of them dying (maybe not the ghosts), but with all the rest of this steaming pile of bullshit characterization I'm almost numb to it. Terezi is refreshingly real, still herself and completely believable, but when she gets back to Earth C she just. Doesn't talk to anyone? Doesn't get in touch with John or Karkat, doesn't tell anyone at all that John is dead? Why??? I'm baffled here. There's no closure to anything about Terezi here, except her personal emotions on Vriska, and who knows how valid that catharsis is with the fucking mind control narrative device everywhere. Also, fuck Hussie for making me read anyone claiming that John isn't important, or relevant, or an incredible and unique character. Was the Candy postscript supposed to imply she ended up with Dirk and Rose?? Why??? What the fuck is even going on here?????

Dave and Karkat were usually a balm to the whole bullshit, but like everything else they too are tainted by the overwhelming lack of consent in this whole epilogue. Do I think Dave and Karkat are a cute couple who should be together? Yeah. Do I think it should happen like that? Fuck no!!! They're both clearly uncomfortable with the whole situation, it all feels like an incredible violation of privacy and consent, and then right at the end it implies that Karkat isn't comfortable with how it happened and is oushing Dave away because of it! Like, fuck!!! This isn't what anyone wanted to happen! Let them figure themselves out on their own terms, with no weird narrative devices pushing them into it. Who cares how long it takes, they're all immortal!!!!!

Roxy is a cornerstone honestly. The narrative can't touch him, and I love him for it. Good for him. I really don't have anything to say on Roxy in meat, he's just fine, due largely to his immunity to the narrative bullshit.

Jane.......... I'm not sure. The bits from her point of view (though it's really unclear how much is her and how much is the narrative's influence) paint her as having some kind of reason for her troll-related policies, but really? There's no excuse for them. What the FUCK, Jane. Why does her entire future have to be molded by the influence of Condy? Can't we have a future without uncomfortable Trump parallels and the assertation that a beloved character is an asshole who wants to quash the rights of an entire species? Please Hussie I'm so tired.

Jake just makes me sad tbh. Don't have a lot to say on him. The narrative has been abusing him since Act 6 started, and the new narrative doesn't let up. Give this boy a break, I'm begging you.

In conclusion on Meat:

The parts where the muse is in charge, or where the narrative steps back and allows the characters to be themselves, are amazing. Fuck everything else, and fuck Hussie for making me read it. I'm too mad to think straight.

Candy

How dare you do this, to any of them?

The first heartbreak of Candy is Roxy/Calliope. John/Roxy is a sweet enough ship, but at what cost? They were so happy together, amd even John repeatedly points out in his internal monologue that it doesn't feel right to break them up. His conversation with Dave about sexuality and love is incredible, and up to chapter 14 the Roxy and Callir issue seemed to be the only sticking point in a much happier version

Then Dirk dies, and really? Really??? Fuck you. Fuck you for making me read that Dirk Strider would choose to end his own life when he realizes that he can no longer <i>control the minds of his friends and family</i>. That's fucked up in a million different directions. Fuck you.

Every songle thing Gamzee does makes me feel physically unclean. Is this supposed ti be a parody of poorly written fix-it fanfiction? A deconstruction of redemption arcs as a concept? It wasn't needed! Homestuck has redemption arcs already, Vriska and (Vriska) in particular bandied the idea around and deconstructed it fairly well, all of John's retcon powers were a fix-it fic, was ANY OF THIS BULLSHIT necessary??? It's a disgrace to the person Gamzee was before he went insane, and to everyone forced to read through his awful, awful dialogue.

Roxy was difficult to read in this epilogue, coming straight out of meat where Roxy was confident in himself and hid place in the world, then on to this Roxy who felt subtly wrong right up until her final conversation with John when we get her point of view on everything that's happened. Still mad about the Straight Married Babies Ever After, but Roxy at least is still #real, and I can respect her and her choices. (Except the ones involving Gamzee and funerals. I acknowledge that being weird about funerals is a known Roxy trait, but come on. Really??)

John feels like the point of view character again in Candy. He's the only one who seems to notice that something isn't quite right, his conversations with Terezi are incredible when they aren't slapping me in the face with the not-so-subtle wrongness of this universe, and his reconciliations with Roxy and Jake at the end are beautiful. I love that he at least tried to help little Tavros, no matter how it turned out, because he's a good fucking person!

Jake is a mixed bag. Am I happy with how he's treated in the first three quarters of the epilogue? Oh FUCK no. An I happy that he finally gets to be free by the end and be his own fucking person for once in his life? Absolutely. Give the boy some agency, and some GOD DAMN PANTS.

Jade honestly doesn't..... Do much? Either plot-wose or for me emotionally. She isn't in the epilogue much except as an obstacle for Davekat, which is really rude to everyone involved. I barely remember a time when I shipped DaveJade, and I don't think I ever shipped JadeKat, but after Meat I'd really hoped that that triad could work itself out. They had the potential to really be happy. Then it didn't, and she's never going to know why her husband didn't come back from investigating that strange building, unless she followed and found his corpse, dead for no apparent reason and not capable of being revived. I'm not sure which is worse. At least one of those has some kind of closure.

Karkat I actually really like in Candy. He stands up for himself, apparently finds love with Meenah, founds a moderately successful rebellion. Good For Him.

Dave is a clusterfuck of emotions, as always. Am I happy about his relationship with Jade? Not really, it seems by the end like he forced himself into it, thinking it was the right thing to do more than actually wanting it. Am I happy he got to meet and talk to Obama? Absolutely, though there is then the whole can of worms which is the canon Condy backstory. Not even touching that. After the speculation in Meat I'm thrilled to find out Obama did in fact god tier and escape the destruction of the universe. Dave is gay, he loves/loved Karkat, he's off to be the ~~Ultimate~~ version of himself and save the multiverse in the Meat postscript. Good For Him. (Also I can't be the only one who thinks Obama meant he and Dirk Fucked. Did that really happen? Did I dream that up??)

Rose and Kanaya were good too. Am I thrilled they found and raised Vriska 2.0? No. Am I happy they got to grow older together, immortal lesbian gods who are deeply in love? 10 million percent yes. Rose thanking John for the happy times with her family moved me. It didn't make it all worth it, but it helped soothe the burn this epilogue left on my soul.

Aside: I'm glad all the dead trolls are here? They're not double dead, this universe is somehow inside the black hole I guess (?), the generic dead (and Meenah and (Vriska)) get to do other shit too. Meenah/Karkat is sweet, Vriska got to kill Gamzee once and for all, I'm okay with that sequence of events.

Aradia and Sollux showing up made my day, I'm not gonna lie. They're great and hilarious. Alt!Callie's explanation of how a narrator's motives can shape a story helped me come to terms with Meat, as well as being just a fantastic bit of meta discussion.

That really just leaves Jane........

I'm not happy. Sweet baker girl is a tyrannical and genocidal despot?? No thanks. Abusive, xenophobic, asshole Jane, basically new Condy with a twist, is not something I'n gonna accept. The only time I sympathized with her at all was when her father died, and that was more for his sake than anything else. (Side note: where the fuck was he in Meat??)

In conclusion on Candy:

I don't know how anything could be as bad as Meat, but this is. Somehow. The light parts were lighter, but everything had a fundamental wrongness to it, and I couldn't be satisfied with any of it. At least Callie said none of it is canon, and she only stuck around to kill English once and for all and fix the narrative of Meat.

In Conclusion

Hussie, come out and fight me you COWARD.

[snurtlicious]

multiples of 8. :::;)

first of all u fucking homestuck dont think i dont see u fucking vriska serket ass bitch

Secondly8. Which character do you dislike the most?Genji or Tracer bc I’m a support main lmao16. Which map type is your favorite? Assault, escort, assault & escort, control, or arena?Either escort or assault24. Which event non-legendary skin was your favorite?Symmetra’s Qipao skin is hella rad32. What was the first achievement you got?It was Mercy’s Group Health Plan, for 500 healing on 5 allies without dying. 40. Whose gold gun do you currently want?I have Mercy’s, but I’m getting Symmetra’s next!48. Favorite player icon? Officer D.Va bunny56. Character you wish had a comic about?M E R C Y, she needs more backstory development, she has like none.64. Character change (nerf, boost, work around) you liked the least?Bastion’s 35% ironclad was freaking awful tbh, I’m so glad they rolled it back immediately. 72. What’s the fastest you’ve won a game?Double Lucio on Temple of Anubis won us the match in 1:1280. Have you cosplayed a character from Overwatch? No, but I would totes consider it.88. Does your team?Honestly, probably not.96. Best Tracer skin?The one where she blinks into the sun and doesn’t come back

[swimmingferret]

i had my first jojo dream yesterday which was weirdly average actually, since it was pretty much the general plot of Diamond is Unbreakable but with the Steel Ball gang as the characters? and I basically didn’t do anything because apparently I was dead and just followed them around randomly as a ghost (like wow great start dream)

but anyway they just did normal shit for the start of it until cat-fingers aka kira showed up and half the cast didn’t give a shit (actually hot pants was the only one who cared while johnny, gyro and diego were just like ‘ehh’ when they heard about it) and lucy steel was there but she also spoke in third person and was dressed up like sherlock holmes and roleplaying a detective but she got killed by kira and that what sets hot pants off and started the whole ‘hey maybe we should do something about this serial killer’

johnny didn’t care since it was like..modern times so he was on loads of therapy and medication so he was conked out on his meds half the time and would just pass out all over the place and he thought tusk was a hallucination from his anti-depressants at first and kept trying to beat it with a book whenever it showed up?

diego also brought a chihuahua, who was for some reason my family’s pet chihauhua Button?? so she basically self-inserted in my dream and he cut her with the stand arrow at some point and her stand was one of the sulyvahn beasts from dark souls 3 that let her control shadows

but yea he had that and apparently dream johnny didn’t actually like dogs and wouldn’t touch her and everyone accused him of being a dog hater (like that’s prob the most occ for jonathan but what i could expect from johnny aka not liking dogs)

also button got fat and was put on a diet and diego told off gyro for feeding button out of her meal times and he was just ‘hey button don’t listen to him i happen to like a woman with curves’ which was weird but okay

also she was the one who tracked down kira since he still smelled the same even after getting his face swap so when she was out for a walk she smelled him and lead diego to his house and he broke in and nearly murdered hayato with the World when he caught him and then was like ‘oh and u spying on ur family is fucking creepy kid, what if u caught them banging or something’ but anyway he sent a photo to the other three so they knew what kira looked like and then diego was just like ‘yea whatever’ and left to a cafe for some lunch because apparently a serial killer didn’t bother him that much and he was hungry

then johnny and gyro met kira and kira managed to crack johnny’s head open so he couldnt use his nails (since you can’t aim or focus for shit w that) and then blew off half of gyros face and one of his arms after turning one of his balls into a bomb and the whole sequence was in the homestuck panel style??? u know, when doc scratch blows up that orb of his (also gyro liked killer queen??? was all ‘hey how come u have a giant pink kitty as a stand this isnt fair’)

hot pants saw this randomly and sent diego a txt like ‘fighting a serial killer could use some back up’ before she just ran up and punched kira in the face- like she didn’t even use her stand or anything, she just decked him with her fist before using her spray thing to fix gyros arm since everyone was bleeding all over the place and dying

then diego showed up late to the fight with starbucks and then my alarm went off so i didn’t know if we won

really, my goddamn family’s pet chihuahua was more important in that dream than me lmfao typical

but hey, one of the more entertaining dreams i’ve had in a while and at least i remembered most of this one