#by far my favourite jeff role in a long while

[szollibisz]

Close enough, welcome back Geoffrey Chaucer of The Knight's Tale 2001 fame

[writingsfromhome]

Dos and Don’ts IV

A/N: hello my loves this final part to this fic completes the birth of one of my favourite fics I’ve written. Thank you for reading and enjoying it just as much—every like, comment, and dm meant the world <3

Parts: 1 / 2 / 3 / 4

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We have an extra day in Barcelona and the team is buzzing to enjoy their nightlife since we could sleep all day tomorrow. I’d visited here while I was a uni student so I give some suggestions.

Harry’s a little on edge the whole time. Earlier today some headline from a musician Harry worked with was taken out of context and thus took the internet by storm. Now he was being flooded with people wanting to know his thoughts and feelings. It was a hot topic.

With a joint effort of me, Jeff, and Graham, we tried to keep the spotlight on his Barcelona show. Well my role was mostly to screen Harry from seeing any further discourse online.

The show itself was one of the loudest I’d been to—I was glad I had my own ear protection. The tense Harry falls away and he’s electric on stage. Even coming backstage he’s on a high; he hugs the crew and thanks everyone like he usually did at the end of shows and disappears into his dressing room with Jeff. They look like they’re talking intensely.

“So,” Sarah slides in beside me. “We noticed you’re a bit different coming back. What’s happened?”

I try to play dumb but the girls keep pushing.

“Me and my fiancé ended things,” I confess. They gasp, Claire’s eyes actually fill with tears.

“Shh!” I shush them. “Keep it on the down low please I don’t want anyone to know.”

“But y/n why are you even here!? Is it because of tour! I’m sure Harry could have rearranged things-“

“No no,” I appreciated their support but I didn’t want to hash things out. “It’s just…I think it was a long time coming. God, I don’t wanna cry. I’m good. For now. And I want to be on tour I need the distraction.”

“I get it,” they sympathize. “We’re gonna make you forget so hard tonight.”

“Okay but don’t,” I look around us to make sure there was nobody else around. “Please don’t tell Harry. Seriously please. I don’t want him to know especially. I don’t want him to treat me differently or something.”

“Lips are sealed.” Sarah zips her mouth. “But we can all tell you’re off. It’s hard not to practically living together these last couple months. If he asks we’ll say…”

“Just say she’s on a break?” Charlie suggests.

“Yeah,” I shrug. “Things are complicated, I’m on a break, whatever that’s fine.”

The girls lean towards me and envelop me in a hug. It reminds me of my friends I’d said goodbye to.

“Thanks,” I say through tears.

And the girls hold me to their promise.

After we get dressed for the night—I chose a corset-style top and trousers—we head out. The sun dips below the horizon and the old city is cast in a warm orange glow that could inspire anyone who set eyes on it. String lights come on and music plays from various doors; the city is alive.

We tease each other about looking so glam as we wander the narrow cobblestone streets. Aside from the shows we all wore sweats and tees.

Every place we pass sets my senses alight. We grab tapas from a place that smells irresistible and chat over each other about tonight’s wicked show. I continue avoiding Harry by sitting as far away from him as I can get.

As we wander off in search of the club I can’t help but feel a twinge at how incredibly romantic the moonlit streets felt.

The club is loud and alive, the noise levels even feel normal after the roar of the last few of Harry’s shows. My mood starts shooting up steadily as I drink in the energy around me.

We join the crowd and I give away my worries and my annoyances to enjoy the music. I feel it in my chest and for a blissful moment I’m grateful for my whole damn life despite everything.

“Cute guy!” Someone shouts in my ear.

Charlie nudges me to one of the guys dancing nearby. “Get distracted!”

I shake my head no.

“Do it!” She cheers. It barely travels to me. She grabs Claire’s hand and tugs her, letting her in on the plan and they goad me into going for it.

I motion a drink. I’d need another shot for the courage.

We trail back to the bar and do a round of shots, and they grin with thumbs up as I hesitantly enter the crowd again.

The dude they pointed out is tall and beautiful. Like beautiful not even handsome. I get stuck looking up at him in awe, he wasn’t really my type. A tad too pretty boy but when he notices me looking he smiles and I’m won over. I couldn’t deny a good smile.

“Hey!” He turns his body to me. At least I think he say hey.

“Hey!” I shout back.

“Que pasa?”

“What?!” I couldn’t hear a single thing. What did I expect.

He smiles and takes my hand that had been anxiously playing with the edge of my top. The other has a hand splint that I’d received in Madrid. Apparently I sprained my fingers.

The stranger wriggles both my hands to loosen them, raising his brow at the splint. I laugh.

He asks in my ear but I don’t understand. It sounds like a question, something bylar. When I scrunch my brows he laughs, “Dance! We dance!?”

“Dance!” I laugh. He was cute! “Yes! I want to dance with you!”

“Vamos,” he pulls me in. I understood that at least.

I used to do this in uni, I think. I should be able to do it again.

He teases me a little because I’m so tense. His hands knead down my back to my waist to get me to relax. It feels nice, being touched by a man that looks like he was carved from marble but filled with music.

I begin to find my rhythm and sway with him, eventually letting go completely. He compliments me as I start to move with him and pretty soon I’ve channeled my 20-year-old self. It feels pretty spectacular.

When his lips ghost my cheek I don’t protest. Right now, I felt good. Everything was on the back burner’s back burner and I felt grounded in this nighclub with this random stranger who was paying attention to me, just me. And it’s just us. And it’s just temporary. And I feel good.

When I turn around, my back to his chest, he moves my hair to the side and kisses down my neck. It felt good.

I run my hand up into his hair and he moves lower murmuring foreign words on my skin, our bodies still dancing in the same language, his hands still gripping my waist and my hips. I feel blissed out.

It ends in a split second.

“What are you doing?” Harry’s suddenly tugging me towards him. His mouth makes the words I just fill them in with his annoyingly bossy voice.

“Hey man,” the guy I’m dancing with tries to get in between us.

“What are you doing!?” I snatch my hand away from Harry.

Harry puts his hand on my partner’s chest and says something to him, maybe in Spanish. He looks at me with puppy dog eyes and I look at Harry. What had he said.

“What did you say?” I ask. I try to call back my dancing partner but he just salutes me with a smile and fades into the crowd. No wait, I’m being dragged away.

“Y/n what are you doing out there?”

“What am I doing?” I shout. “What are you?! I was having a nice time with that guy what did you say to him?”

He walks away, further back into the edges of the club. There’s a few people milling about with a number of them involved in heavy makeout sessions.

Harry turns to face me finally. “You’re engaged y/n, Claire and Sarah said things are complicated at home is that why you’re doing this?”

“What!” I throw my hands up, tears prick my eyes. What the fuck was his problem! Since when did he care? “Why do you care?! Yes, things are complicated and I was getting my mind off of said things—what is your issue? You want to drag me back here and remind me of how shitty things have been?”

“This isn’t the way,” Harry insists. “You don’t even know that guy!”

“Whatever I’m over this convo.”

I turn to leave but Harry grabs my hand, the one in the splint, and pulls me back.

“Sorry,” he lets go of the splint. Then picks it up again. “Look. I’m worried about you. This isn’t you, you’re not the girl that goes home with another guy when your fiancé is back at home! I just don’t want you making any regrets.”

“Oh is that it,” I step towards him so my hand isn’t so outstretched. He stands still but on my second step he inches back. “Since when did you get a high horse huh? Don’t tell me who I am and who I’m not. You barely know me! If I want to make decisions I regret I can do that. They’re mine to make.”

“No. Y/n, as mad as you are don’t go home with a stranger.”

“As if you don’t!” I scoff. “What’s your real agenda here? What’s going on?”

“Nothing!” He insists.

“Why do you suddenly care so much about my chastity?”

“It’s for your own good!”

He’s lying. I know he’s lying and I don’t know why he pulled me away from my beautiful Spanish dance partner but I was actually relaxing and now he’s put me right back into this crazed and tense headspace I kept finding myself in.

Fine, I decide. I could make him regret it.

“Really? You care about my morality that much?” I ask.

With my hand flat on his chest I’ve pushed him further into the wall behind him. He watches me with a guarded look.

But I want him unguarded, vulnerable. The same way he’s made me feel. I lean in, “Are you really worried about the technicalities of me cheating on my fiancé?”

I hover a half foot from his lips. Finally his eyes flicker down to my lips and I know I’ve got him.

I slide my hand up his chest and when my hand inches up the skin of his throat his eyes grow unguarded and heady with lust. He doesn’t push me away. He doesn’t say no.

Hypocrite.

I drop my hand.

“That’s what I thought Mr. Styles.”

I watch for a wonderful moment as the lust clears from his eyes and he realizes what happened. Shame, embarrassment, resignation, and then anger.

I spin on my heel and head away from him. He could deal with the consequences of his actions all on his own.

I’m half-afraid he’ll come after me but luckily I make it out of the club alone.

“He’s such a dick,” I say more to myself. Just to get it out because I’m pissed. “Who the fuck does he think he is!?”

My night is over. I just want to take this all off and forget about it. Maybe I can lock myself in my room and raid the mini-fridge, get drunk and cry myself to sleep. Those seemed like the best options right now.

I take an uber to the hotel. As I walk up to it I notice a weird crowd outside. For nearly 2am I wasn’t expecting this and my instincts kick in that this wasn’t normal. Especially when I notice all the camera straps.

“Excuse me,” I ask the front desk. “Why are there a bunch of paparazzi outside?”

“Is there?” The man behind the counter asks. “Sorry we will tell them to leave. Are you staying with us?”

“That’s a privacy concern out there, and a concern with your staff because they’re here. How do they know who’s staying here?!”

It seems to dawn on him I wasn’t just asking out of curiosity. He promises me he’ll get management. In the meantime I call Jeff and explain the situation. He starts to panic the way I hated, looking for something to blame. He calls Graham who sounds like he’s driving in nascar. It’s a very noisy and over-stimulating conversation.

“Call Harry!” Jeff orders. “Tell him he cannot go back to the hotel no matter what! Fucking vultures man!”

“Y/N,” Graham says in a calmer voice. “You need to go back to where Harry is with some sort of disguise. A hat or sunglasses. That sort of thing-“

“It’s night.”

“Yes night. No glasses. Book the closest hotel you can find. Tell his band they can come back, but to go through the back. They might get spotted but they’re trained on dodging questions. That will keep the vultures there waiting for Harry and we can pick you two up back to the airport tomorrow morning. Where’s after this?”

“Glasgow,” I bite my nail as I think. I had to call Harry asap. What if he was on his way back. “I gotta go now to call him though. Talk later.”

I hang up and call Harry. He picks up the second time.

I explain the situation and he reacts the same way as Jeff, swearing and cursing the papps. I tell him what I was going to do and tell him to go right back into the club. To pass on the word to the team even though I was going to send them a text.

I head up to my room and grab what fits in my bag. I didn’t have Harry’s room key so I decide he’d have to wear my hat and head back out. The vultures stay waiting, now just a few feet further away from the entrance.

I speak briefly to management—I figured Jeff could talk to them and give his classic earful.

On the drive I find a nearby hotel to the club and collect Harry to get him there. We’re too tense to talk when we meet up. Once inside again, I tell him to sit in the lounge while I go up to the desk.

Act above it all, I channel a rich bitch. We needed privacy and we needed nobody to know Harry was here.

“Hi I need a room.” I say.

“Of course, how many night will you be staying with us.”

I glance back to see where Harry sits. He’s in a wingback chair that’s mostly turned away and with his hair stuffed in the baseball cap you can hardly tell it’s him.

“Just a night. I need your best room please.”

“Absolutely,” the woman smiles and I feel bad for only giving a tight-lipped smile back. I wait as she clicks away, finally looking back to me with a slight frown. “So miss unfortunately we are very booked tonight. There are a couple events going on in the city making things very popular.”

“The best room will do. Preferably large.”

“Well,” she hesitates. “A lot of our larger rooms are taken um. I can offer you a bed with one king, it is a bit smaller because it’s by the elevators. I also have one with a queen that is tucked away in the corner with a better view.”

I wanted to be as far away from Harry as possible but by an elevator was asking for trouble.

“Well, I’d rather stay far away from noise so we’ll take the queen.”

“Is that just you or…” she glances at Harry.

“Yes. Two. We’ve had a rough day of travel he’s just resting.”

I hand over ID and my card, trying not to balk at the total. At least I’ll get reimbursed.

“Do you have any bags?” The concierge swoops in as I get the key card.

“No! No. Like I said, bad travel day. We just need somewhere to sleep and we’ll reunite with the bags once they arrive tomorrow.”

They leave us alone after that. I hoped it was because I’d been standoffish enough and not plain weird.

The elevator ride up to the 8th floor is stony and I spend the spare second to text Jeff and Graham the hotel’s address.

The room itself is pretty sub-par and the adrenaline of getting Harry here safely wears off.

I drop my bag by the door and pull out my toiletry bag.

“I don’t have clothes for you to change into, I didn’t have your room key.”

“Yeah. S’fine. I’ll just sleep shirtless unless that bothers you.”

We stare at each other for a tense moment.

“I’m fine with that, you’re the one with the high horse.”

After doing all this for him I wasn’t going to be easy to deal with if he wasn’t going to be easy to deal with.

He chooses to ignore me.

“How the fuck did they know I was staying there? We were under a-“

His phone rings and he answers. Sounds like Jeff.

I use the time to go to the bathroom and finally take off the makeup. I realize I should have grabbed my pjs from my bag too. I take my hair down and massage my scalp with my fingers, letting myself calm down despite the aggressive voices outside.

“Yeah whatever. Keep me updated.” I hear. Great. That was done with.

I leave the bathroom and Harry’s still pacing the floor.

“You’re gonna wear the carpet down if you keep doing that.”

He stops and looks at me, his eyes trail down my body.

“You didn’t bring yourself a change of clothes either?”

“You wish,” I head for my bag again and grab the tee and shorts. “I just forgot them out here.”

“Do you always have to be so snarky?”

Oh, so he wanted to fight. Good news for him, so did I.

“Depends. With you? When you’re being a dick? Yeah. I do.”

“It’s really quite unbecoming.”

“Is it?” I mock his accent. “It’s not proper for a lady to be snarky?”

“I don’t sound like that. You just never let anything go.” He continues.

“I never let anything go?” I repeat.

“Yeah! Ever!”

“What do you want me to let go?” I ask.

“Everything. You’re bothered by everything just let it all fucking go.”

“No like specifically what should I let go?” I turn on him and with each question I stalk towards him. “Being treated like trash by you? Being told I’m replaceable and unnecessary? Getting bossed around about who I can and can’t dance with because you suddenly decide to be the morality police!?”

“Jesus take it down a notch y/n.” We’re fuming as we square off. “I’m not your bloody fiancé.”

“And thank fuck you’re not!” I throw the clothes in my hand on the bed. “You’re my employer Mr. Styles and I’ve been nothing but a good fucking employee for the last year! I try to keep my patience and do everything I can to do my best! You’re the one always trying to blur lines! You’re the one always getting in my damn business when I don’t pay you to!”

With every accusation I poke my finger into his chest and it’s like literally pushing buttons. His face gets stonier and stonier until I’m sure he’s going to crack.

“You wanna know what your fucking issue is?” He swipes my hand away.

“Oh sure tell me, wise Harry Styles who definitely has no issues at all. Tell me.”

“This. This is your fucking issue,” he spits. “You’ve always got such a temper on you! I’m not blurring any bloody lines I check up on you and you get all offended over nothing!”

“Over nothing?” I ask. I laugh sarcastically and walk away from him. I was seeing red. “Over nothing?”

“Yes! I don’t do shite and suddenly you’re trying to bite my dick off.”

“You fucking wish,” I turn on him. “It’s crazy you don’t realize what an absolute jackass you are! We should be refunding all those fans who’ve come out to see you because the man they’re paying for is a fake! You’ve treated me like nothing and embarrassed me countless time-“

“Embarrassed you,” he scoffs.

“Yes!” I go on. “What do you call what you said on our way to Paris huh? You can be so cruel! So if I have a temper it’s justified because you’re one of the worst people I’ve met!”

“What did I say?”

“Are you kidding? You’re going to make me repeat it?” He was crazy. He was depraved and absolutely insane. Or he just hated me.

“I’m not playing a game just tell me!”

“You said I could have skipped the whole tour and nobody would notice.” I say the words that had looped through my head. And of course, he has the audacity to look surprised. “Thanks. A lot! It makes it even worse that you were so casual with your cruelt-“

“You need to stop being so sensitive,” he has the nerve to say. “Then maybe you can manage your temper.”

“I can manage my temper any time but you’re moody like a pre-pubescent teen and that looks to be a lifetime fucking problem!”

“What’s your fucking problem Y/n! What is your problem with me!? Why do you still work for me if you are this angry all the time!”

“I’m not this angry all the time, you just makes me this angry! And I hate you for it!”

“Then quit!”

“Maybe I will!” I had to. After tonight and this blowout I had to. How could I work for Harry like this.

“Great! Then you can take your problems with you.”

“Don’t gaslight me,” how dare he. “You’re not innocent in this! You create my problems and blame me for being this way.”

“Whatever y/n.”

“No.” I wasn’t letting him off the hook. I get in his face again. “Why did you stop me tonight? Why did you keep me from doing what I wanted tonight?”

“What? I told you I was looking out-“

“Bullshit!” I cut him off. “That’s a bullshit excuse, I want to know why!?”

I feel like I’m made of flames and in desperate need of a lobotomy. How could one guy make me this crazy. How could it all revolve around him.

“I was doing it for your own good! But clearly I understand why it’s so fucking complicated with your partner-“

“Don’t you dare talk about him,” I seethe. I was mad. Fuming. I want to get physical, I wish I could throttle him or at the very least access one of the pillows from across the room and smash it to the floor. I want him to see how angry I am because my words are twisted with every angle Harry could find. I wanted him to admit to something he’s been skirting for a long time. “Tell me.”

Harry stares at me with hate in his eyes and I know I have the same look. I wasn’t going to let him get away.

“You don’t even have the balls to admit it,” I poke. “Is this why you’re so hard-headed to anything I say? Because you can’t even admit something like this to yourself?”

“Just shut the fuck up y/n and stop being so mental.”

“I refuse to shut up. I want you to talk.”

His breathing gets faster and I watch him flex his hand. He was as angry as I was. Good.

“You’re a fraud. And I hate you.” I step into his space. Our bodies are a hair’s breadth away from each other’s. I want to show him how mad he makes me. I want to do something. I want him to admit this thing he’s been dancing around. It makes me so mad!

When he starts to shake his head at me I lose it. Instinct takes over where I want to physically show him how angry he was making me. I grab his face in my hands and push my mouth against his. I meet teeth.

But it doesn’t take long for him to respond. To correct the unadulterated anger with purpose.

He pushes back, kissing me harder whilst pushing me against the wall. I feel sandwiched, my chest crushed against his and I bite down on his lip trying to get back some control.

My hands are all over him, grabbing his shirt, running through his hair, pushing under his shirt to touch skin. Harry does the same, pulling at my hair and lifting me onto him.

Our tongues clash together, his hand grabs my ass, squeezing and moving up. His hands feel hot on my skin, his metal rings an icy contrast. Neither of us want to give up control. We keep fighting, just now with our bodies.

“Why can’t you ever just let it go,” he traces his teeth over my collarbone. It all feels too much.

In response I push him back, he stares at me for a heated second before we crash into each other again. We don't care where we are. All that mattered was here and showing the other who was in control. Who hated who the most.

Harry pulls away, his mouth a deep pink from our fight. His eyes are half lidded, his pupils dilated. I can tell he wants this but a part of him hesitates.

"We're doing this," I commit, not taking my eyes off his lips.

"I’m doing this," he growls and lifts me up, any hesitancy washed away. I wrap my legs around him, not thinking about anything but what I was going to do.

He whirls me around and deposits me onto the bed, and his body covers mine while his mouth attack my neck.

He wasn't gentle or slow, but then again, I didn't want him to be. I pull off his shirt, not wanting anything between us, not caring that my nails would leave marks down his back. Leaving something permanent on him sounded exactly what I needed.

I tug on his hair as his teeth come down on my chest. I feel heated as he swears, “Teasing me with this top all night was a fucking sin y/n.”

“Fuck off,” I gasp as he figures out the row of clasps at the front and the icy rings of his fingers presses against my sternum. I grit my teeth, “I didn’t wear this for you.”

His abs contract as he pushes himself back up, his eyes dark as his hands find the clasp on my trousers, undoing them with ease and tugging them off. His other hand comes back up to tilt my chin up.

“D’you really hate me?” He asks.

“Yes,” I respond with zero hesitation.

He moves his body, covering mine with his own again. My breath catches in my throat as he presses his lips to my neck, slowly moving down. He drives me crazy with anticipation and I wriggle up to keep up the pace but he holds me in place. I let out a moan as he kisses my inner thighs, his fingers gripping the tops of them. I'm squirming under his hold, the heat pooling inside of me.

“Do you hate me?” He asks again.

“Yes,” I cry, not wanting to relent to him.

“Good,” he says and that’s the last thing I remember.

The rest is a tangle of limbs, an out-of-body sensation, and seismic wave after wave coursing through my body. It’s unlike anything I’ve experienced before; the fury we felt with each other fuzes to the passion of the moment and it blitzes every damn thought out of my head.

Hours later, or maybe the whole night later—I don’t know but all I do know was that my body was spent and I was barely hanging on.

“I can’t,” I plant my hands on his shoulders and nearly pitch forward just from pausing. His hand splays on my back, keeping me in place as he turns us around.

“Okay?” He asks low.

I nod, grateful that he was taking over.

And after riding out what I know would be my last wave he rolls off of me, and we lay there just trying to catch our breaths.

After a few minutes, I sense him tilting towards me, his eyes on my face. When he stares for so long it becomes obvious, I look back at him.

His eyes are not the same ones that started this mess, they’re breezy meadows of green compared to the icy sea glass from before. But it’s not surprising. With each round and each minute we spent with other tonight, things had grown softer. Not gentle, but softer.

And as we look at each other with the awareness that the anger had bled into the threads of these tangled sheets a long time ago, we’re left with something neither of us want to distinguish. At least I don’t.

His gaze holds something too real for a place like this and I quickly look away and back at the ceiling. I feel his eyes on me a moment longer before he himself turns away to stare at the same ceiling.

“Y/N,” someone suddenly calls my name, tapping my cheeks with a gentle pat. I have to pull myself from the depths of wherever the fuck I just went to open my eyes and look up, at Harry. He looks concerned and asks me a question that I don’t register—I was truly out of it. I must have dozed off.

I push his hand away and grab the closest piece of clothing to wrap around myself in which ends up being a sheet. I take myself to the bathroom to clean up.

I hardly recognize the girl in the mirror. My eyes are blown out and my neck looks like it was rammed by a bull. I can hardly look at the rest of me. I would need to buy something high necked before we got picked up tomorrow morning and use all the concealer I had. I know I marked every inch of him I could find too.

I had never felt that level of passion with anyone. It was unnerving.

My knees collapse under me as I sit on the toilet and try to count the tiles on the opposite wall, just to come back to earth. To my body.

I sense a shadow under the door after I’m in there for a while, I watch it move from one side to the other and then move away. I wait longer, nearly falling asleep there before going back out.

The bed looks a right mess and most of the duvet is twisted to the side. I don’t bother with it, I use the sheet I’m wrapped in and crawl right into bed. Harry seems to have fallen asleep too but as I near sleep I feel the bed dip and the heavy weight of the duvet drapes over me.

I don’t have enough clarity or energy tonight to think about what any of this meant but I know I was right about leaving.

***

We return to London on a Wednesday morning and nearly kiss the ground. Harry was still playing two shows here but getting to go back home instead of a hotel room was enough to make us weep.

I didn’t really have a home to go back to. I’d been thinking about that a lot as the tour took us closer and closer to London. I had texted Gray yesterday and we agreed I could crash there until this weekend to get my stuff together.

London had a metaphorical grey fog over it in my mind. Nothing felt appealing about it and the only thing on my mind these days was home—my childhood home.

I already knew I was going to give in my resignation letter to Harry after tour but I had a 3 week period under contract. I don’t think I could afford a hotel for three weeks and staying with any of my friends is out of the question.

These thoughts kept me preoccupied.

It helped me not to think about that night though. I avoided Harry unless it was for work, returning to the solitude of my first few months working for him. He does the same: curt and avoidant. I know others notice but nobody dares to ask.

It was the most intense thing I’d done in my whole life and that was saying something. There was a way that Harry got under my skin that nobody else could. And it was hard to find a balance after the scales had shifted so far in that direction.

I felt like I had to block it out until I could have space to process it. And yet memories still seeped through when I was quiet for a moment too long or when he’d walk past me with the same cologne as that night and I’d catch a whiff. I was doubly sure this chapter had to close.

When I get back to the flat on Wednesday Gray has vanished as he promised. He told me he’d drop by that evening to talk. Surprisingly, I felt calm about it. I don’t know if it was getting all of that ferocious energy out that had been churning for months, but I feel level-headed and I appreciate the space to myself.

Gray texts me before he arrives. Like this wasn’t the flat he was now paying for alone.

I know what he wanted to talk about—we were all supposed to go to Harry’s last show at the o2 since I had tickets for everyone. Josie was stoked and based on the way she’s been texting me leading up to the day I don’t think she knew. Gray confirms it.

“So,” he rubs the back of his neck. He looked nice in a beanie and corduroy jacket. I wonder if any of the effort was for me, then vanish the thought.

“So,” I echo.

We stand awkwardly across from each other—him propping himself up behind the couch and me leaning against the dining table. Like we needed to get as much furniture between us. Like we hadn’t shared a bed a few weeks ago.

“We should sit?”

“Yeah,” he attempts a laugh and sits on the sofa. I choose the closest chair and turn it to face him. “Yeah. Um, I don’t know how you feel about Saturday. But I haven’t told Josie yet. I haven’t really told anyone.”

I nod, “Me too. Not really. People at work think we’re on a break.”

“Right. Good.” He says. “I’m not tryna lie to people but I don’t really want to get into it…”

“Yeah,” I agreed. “So Josie?”

“I’ll let her know once…once you move out?”

Move out. Of this flat. It’s been home for nearly 3 years.

Gray had surprised me with it when he found it—I had been broke and only been able to pitch in for utilities and groceries but he’d been gracious. He’d been supportive once. But I guess his support had boundaries too. I didn’t entirely blame him for that.

“Sounds good. Or later, maybe when she’s done her exams.”

He leans back on the couch, arms spread over the back and sighs as he studies me. “Yeah of course. I should’ve thought of that. You’re always good at that stuff. She’s gonna be gutted.”

I nod. Not sure what to say to that.

“So you’ll be out on Saturday yeah?” He asks after a while. It seemed both of us had a lot on our minds. But his question stings a little.

“Yep. I’m off for most of the week so I’ll just pack things up. Uhm, with Josie and whatnot I guess we’re still acting like a couple? Will that be weird?”

“Yeah. It will be but we’ve got no other option.”

“Right.” I respond. His voice grows an edge I’m not a fan of. “Well. Thanks for letting me stay here. If you need anything else I guess you can grab it now.”

I want to ask how he’s doing, who he’s staying with, and just hold his face one last time to really remember. But his cold apathy grows like frostbite over the room and creeps into my heart. I always thought where there was love there would always be love but I’m not as sure tonight.

I stay busy and when I can’t sleep at night; I map out a dream, an exit plan home. I write up my resignation letter, I look at flights and rentals and talk things out with my family, I cancel wedding and couple shit, and grieve a fair bit.

On Friday afternoon, my only formal shift this week, I head to Harry’s with an anxious weight in my chest and a buzz in my head from the hope. Hope that this chapter of my life could end soon, and I can head home and recuperate and plan out what my life was going to look like.

Harry’s on a call when I get in. He spares me a glance but I head to the office with my stack of mail. Today was mostly for some housekeeping/admin but I hope to avoid Harry for the most part like I’ve done since that night. My letter sits like a bar of gold in my bag.

I hear him move about the flat. I restock some pantry items, and we speak as little as possible. Going with him to his meeting was my final task for today so I decide it’s a good time to hand in my letter.

I find him sitting in the studio, tapping a pen against the table.

“Mr. Styles?”

“Hm?” He drags his eyes away from his screen to look at me.

“So we’re heading to your meeting in 10. Before then I just wanted to hand this in.”

The envelope stays outstretched in my hand and he eyes it, not taking it.

“What is that?”

“Can you just take it?” I shake it a little, like a bag of treats for a puppy.

His muscles move one inch every ten seconds, that’s how slow he is to sit up in his seat and finally take the letter from my hands. I almost let out a big sigh of relief. The process was finally in place.

“What is it?” He asks again, tearing the corner and down the side like he usually did.

I wait for him to unfold the thirds before answering, “my resignation letter.”

His eyes scan the sheet left to right right to left and when he looks up at me it’s hard to say what he’s thinking.

“Is this a joke?”

“No? Obviously not? I’m handing in my 3 weeks. I’ll also email a copy to Jeff and you.”

“Why are you doing this?” He stands, his tall frame rigid.

“Why? Because I’m…I’m quitting? I think I’ve learned everything I could here a-and it’s time to move on.”

By here I don’t mean working for Harry Styles and co but just here as in London. I’ve learned a fuck ton of life lessons here, and it was time to process them elsewhere.

“Is this to get back at me somehow? I don’t understand,” the papers crinkle in his fist as he grips it tighter. “Do you want a raise? Can we talk about this?”

“No.” I say and even though there’s so much more I could say I think that sums up my answer.

He looks puzzled, then annoyed. Just then my phone buzzes. The car was downstairs.

I grab my laptop and we head down. I was coming along to take minutes and then head home. In the car I reassure Harry,

“I plan on wrapping things up in the next three weeks and making sure everything is set up for an easy transition. I’ll leave continuity notes and reach out to people I regularly communicate with to break the news. The next couple months are pretty easy anyway coming out of tour and going on holiday so there should be plenty of time for the new PA, whoever your hire, to catch up.”

He doesn’t say a word. It reminds me of our first drive to the studio together. How naïve I was. How things changed.

He continues staring out the window, resting his face on his fist. I remember my teeth dragging over that jaw. I blink the image away; this was why I had to go.

When we get to Graham’s office Harry tells Jeff, “we don’t need minutes.”

Jeff looks over at me for answers and I shrug. I guess I came here for no reason but at least I had my laptop to work.

“Uh y/n please come i-“

“She’s fine working out there,” Harry cuts Graham off. Graham looks offended, his gaze drawing between Harry and I. Again, I shrug. I wasn’t leaving today I don’t know why he was acting like it.

For the next hour or so I sit at a spare cubicle and do just as I said in the car. I type out lists for upcoming interviews and studio days. I send emails for information to note for whoever the poor person was to replace me.

I had been keeping the Dos and Don’ts updated over the last year and it feels like a baby the way it came together with so much thought. I was almost sad to part with it.

Nobody tells me the meeting is over. The door simply opens and Harry breezes past.

“I’ll be in the car.” He mutters. Any faster and I would have to hold down the papers around me.

When he’s gone beyond sight, I turn back to the open door.

“What’s the matter with him?” I hear Graham asking inside.

“You keep pushing him,” Jeff responds with irritation. “That’s not his brand Graham.”

“Well that’s a different tune. Prior to this you were singing my praises with these new ideas.”

“I don’t know. Something’s been up with him for…a while-“

“Since that article isn’t it?” Graham references the Harry Styles slander when we were in Spain. Little did they know other things had also happened.

“We dealt with that article.”

Shit, I think. Has he been any different? I think I was keeping too much distance from him to notice.

“Y/n,” my name snaps me out of my thoughts.

“Mhm?” I’m beckoned to the meeting room. “Yes?”

“Find out what’s wrong with him. Or better yet just convince him to be a bit more alive at his last show tomorrow with his usual charm? He hasn’t been his full capacity the last few shows has he?”

Shit. “Um. Burnout?”

The two men look at each other. They make a face like that couldn’t possibly be why. I tell the men what they want to hear, that I’d try to find out and get him back to his charming self (yuck) before joining Harry in the car.

“Jeff and Graham aren’t all that happy with you,” I say when we start driving. Harry was giving me a lift home. “They’re insisting you do it right at your final tomorrow. Be your charming self.”

He grunts in response, head facing the window again. Was he allergic to look forward in the car or something?

“Are you coming?” He asks after a good ten minutes of silence.

“Tomorrow?”

“Mhm.”

“Yeah. I gave my extra tickets to…my fiance,” my brain fumbles my words as it remembers what he was and now is. And the lie I had to keep up. “And his sister and her friend.”

He just nods in acknowledgement, somehow stonier.

When the car pulls up to my familiar building I thank his driver and begin my shimmy out but Harry puts a hand to my knee to stop me. His touch sears right through my stockings and he must feel it too because he slides his hand back.

“Answer this,” he looks at me for the first time tonight. Wow, this really did feel like my first week on the job.

“Sure,” I reply.

“Is it because of that night?”

It’s the first time it’s been mentioned, and his gaze burns brighter than a forest fire. It’s mesmerizing and I can’t look away.

Wait, he wanted an answer.

“It’s because of a lot of things,” I answer truthfully.

He clenches his jaw. Leans back in his seat. The seatbelt reverses to hold him in place again and he’s no longer looking at me. I take that as my cue to go.

***

Josie bursts into the flat dressed to the nines in a groovy floral jumpsuit and boas in her hand. “Don’t worry. I have one for each of us.”

Her friend trails behind her in an equally 70s inspired look.

“That’s what you’re wearing?” Josie judges her brother’s hoodie and jeans. “You’re lowering the vibe Gray do better. Y/n? Why didn’t you brief him?”

“I did!” I eye Gray. “Don’t blame me.”

This was way more awkward than I thought. Or I really was not as good of an actress as I wished.

“What am I supposed to wear?” Gray asks. “I’m not wearing a jumpsuit.”

Josie rolls her eyes. “Y/n please drag him back and find a decent tee or something?”

“Yes ma’am,” I take Gray by the arm and take him back.

“This is kinda weird hey?” I whisper when we close the door.

“I don’t really like it either,” Gray scratches his head. “But it’s for the best.”

I nod and then louder announce, “Well it’s Jo’s night so find something a tad more retro?”

We end up with a red tee and find a belt to tie the look. Josie hugs her brother with thanks when she sees it.

I had on a pair of black bellbottoms paired with a blank tank. My hair was in spacebuns and Josie plucks a few boa feathers to accessorize my hair. It’s cute.

We head off and I have to make a conscious effort to remember my mannerisms with Gray before all this. I feel woozy while I slide my hand into his on the ride there, as Josie snaps our pics on her disposable, as she tells us to get one of us where Gray’s kissing my cheek and she’ll save it to show our kids. It makes me sick.

He keeps an arm on my waist as we walk. I want this night to be over so bad but every time I look Josie’s way I perk back up a little. I wanted her to enjoy this.

And she does. I’m sure she’s lost her voice by the end of the concert. At one point we drift away a little and breathe easier to drop the act but when she’s back Gray wraps his arms around me from behind and we act like a happy couple. Again, I felt sick.

Being in Gray’s arms held none of the spark it used to. I just feel awkward and sad.

At one point Harry looks my way, I don’t know how he spotted me in such a big crowd. It’s between songs and he looks at the group I’m with. I give a pathetic wave and he nods ever so slightly, his gaze sliding off soon after. Gray’s arm tightens around my shoulder and my heart gives a squeeze in response. I’m reminded: this era was ending.

The band told me to meet them backstage at the end, to join in on the final-show celebration. Josie and Gray would wait at a local pub and with the way Josie’s Instagram stories were glowing I could imagine her sitting there uploading it all.

“I couldn’t have done it without any of you,” I catch Harry saying as I slip behind stage with my pass. “I know I’ve not been the easiest to be with but you all sit in my heart. This is our Euro tour, concluded.”

Somebody pops bubbly and I congratulate the whole team as they drink. They insist on going out for proper drinks and I’m denied not going. They tell me to invite my guests to party with them and I know, based on where we were going, Josie was going to flip.

Juniper, a club that gets us all in on Harry’s face card, is opulent and lively on the inside. Josie is buzzing about with her friend—Gray had opted to go home, claiming he had early morning sessions. Josie didn’t think twice about him, but we pretended to go back and forth with a final warning from Gray to Josie to behave.

“He’s a broody one,” Charlie comments on Gray as we chatter while we get drinks. “Sister?”

“Yeah. Doesn’t know yet though so,” I put my finger to my lip.

“So no Barcelona dancing tonight?” Sarah teases. I laugh and tell them to keep me tamed. “We gotta do some shots with the team though where is everyone?”

We gaze around the room and manage to get everyone together. After one round of shots and another that Harry forced on all of us I feel the tension I’ve been carrying with me most days slide away.

We end up sticking together as a group and dance together, laughing and cheering each other on. Even Harry’s in a cheery mood—I suspect the alcohol. I catch him watching me at one point and when I raise my brow he takes my hand and spins me in a friendly twirl. I trip on my wide-legged pants and he catches me from behind. With my back to his chest I have the urge to turn around and kiss him and feel the peculiar comfort I had received from him before. That thought drives me away from him again. Despite the tight knit group there’s too much between us to even attempt being close.

I call it quits when Josie finds me and announces she was going home. I hug the newfound family I had made over the last few months one final goodbye, knowing I might never see them together like this again.

***

Jeff’s reaction to my news surprises me the most. He’s visibly upset and tries to sell me anything to stay. I tell him there was nothing to keep me at my job but I would rely on him for a good reference. I think it’s the first time he’s ever reassured me.

Between Harry and I it remains curt. Sometimes even edgy. I post my own job replacement and Jeff keeps me updated on potential candidates. By the time my last week rolls around I’m host to a roil of emotions.

The first week homeless, Charlie had let me crash on her couch and promised not to say a word to anyone. I didn’t want to overstay my welcome and so I had checked into a hotel and called it home for now.

I’m on my way back home to the hotel after being at Gray’s. We’d invited Josie over for dinner now that her exams were over and she’d been suspicious from the start.

We had told her the truth and she refused to believe it, hurt and betrayal in her eyes as she looked at me and realized she had been kept in the dark for the last week. I felt worse then, than I did when Gray and I called it quits.

I promised her a lunch together this week to talk more. Just because I was out of Gray’s life didn’t mean I had to be out of hers. I thought I could also tell her then that I was leaving to go back home.

On my second last day at work, Harry sends me on an errand near the end of the day. When I get back there’s a small group of friendly and familiar faces waiting to surprise me. I’m touched by the gesture, and I try to corner Harry to say thank you but it feels he avoids me at every chance, always in a larger crowd.

I finally catch him while I’m heading out of the bathroom and he’s heading down the hall.

“Oh hey,” I step in his way. He looks cornered. “I just wanted to say thanks for throwing this.”

“Yeah,” he gestures it was nothing. “It was Jeff’s idea.”

Ouch. I hide the sting. “Well. Thanks regardless.”

He nods, staying mute, but his eyes speak a thousand words—just none that I can read. They stay trained on me, communicating whatever.

Slowly the furrow between his brows eases and the sharp edges of his face give way to a softened expression. I’m scared to move in case I break the trance and don’t get to hear whatever his racing thoughts spit out. Just when it looks like he’s about to say something, a guest turns the corner up the hall.

“Anyone in the toilet?” It was Mitch. Damnit.

“Nope,” I step out of the way, inadvertently brushing Harry. A shiver runs up my spine and I try to act casual but he stiffens beside me. Was it that awful being around me, jeez.

I give up. If he wanted to continue staying moody, so be it. I leave to go back to the party and don’t look back.

My final days in London are hard. The same way I arrived, I go: alone and unsure of what’s ahead.

I always thought here was where I would stay forever. And maybe one day I would return but there was a little too much friction between me and the Capital.

I finish work on an unremarkable note after going through processes with the new hire, and dotting all of my i’s. Harry is nowhere to be seen and I’m gone before he gets back. I’m frustrated that he’s behaving this way but there’s also too much between us for the simple goodbye I yearn for.

I visit all of my old favourites, have one last drink at my old local pub somewhere in between Gray’s flat and Harry’s. I shed a lot of tears on my pilgrimage through the city’s veins. I promise the paved and cobblestone roads I would be back one day.

The walls of my lungs ease open on the flight home. Still, tears cascade down my face silently as the plane sleeps. Eventually I do too. When I wake the sky is filled with bright blinding sunrise, and American soil peeks out below me: I was finally home.

••••••••••••••••••••

Present (2 years on):

My heart flutters seeing Harry here, I chalk it up to anxiety. But it annoys me that despite all the distance and the growth, he still had an effect on me.

Harry’s head turns and before I can be smart about it our eyes lock. His eyebrows raise ever so slightly before his face falls into a nonchalant facade again. I don’t even want to know what my face looked like.

Then he gets the nerve to smirk, hang his head, and then grab his drink and walk towards me.

“If I had a cross I would be holding it up right now.” I have to shout a little so he hears me before he gets to me. He was an emotional vampire feeding on all of mine.

“Now why’s that?” He continues towards me. My emotions swirl through me. “I thought time heals all wounds. Why the unfriendly welcome Mrs. Duran?”

I grit my teeth at the name, he was still filled with poison. “Right, the timeless wisdom of clichés.”

“I like to think I’m pretty timeless.” He smiles.

“I’ve found that time may heal wounds, but scars make sure you never forget.”

“Well, scars aside, you look good,” he moves on and I feel like an idiot the way I was used to feeling around him.

“Of course I do.”

“What are you doing in London? Last I checked I was getting a reference check from America.”

I debate not answering him but I was trying to straddle the line between indifference and confidence. It was like walking a tightrope.

“I’m in London for a little while,” I give vaguely.

“Ah,” he smiles and damnit I forgot how handsome he could be. How handsome could then turn into seductive so quickly. I had to remember: Still a devil. “Are you looking for a new employer? Because I could be hiri-“

“No.” I cut him off. “I finally have a job I love so I’m good.”

Something flickers in his eyes but surprisingly he stays quiet.

“What are you doing here? At The Violinist?” I ask. I sort of wish I still had a drink in my hand, they feel awkward and clunky and I want to avoid playing with my hair. Gah. “Global star drinks alone at his local bar?”

He laughs but I can tell I hit a minor nerve. “Here I’m just a local. Always have been—it’s nice to be anonymous for a little bit.”

I roll my eyes. I didn’t believe that for a second. He loved his fame and everything that came with it.

Plus I used to come here all the time, I would’ve known if my employer was a local too. He was lying for some reason.

“Mr. Styles if there’s one thing I remember about you, you’d choose death over anonymity.”

“Firstly,” he leans in and I get a whiff of his usual cologne with a hint of malt. “A person can change a lot. So maybe you don’t know me as much as you think you do-“

“Oh I don’t think anyone can change that drastically in only a year-“

“You seemed to have.”

His words take mine out of my mouth. I hadn’t changed, not really. I’d always been this y/n but the further I got away from him the more reassured I had gotten being that y/n.

“And secondly,” he continues before I could think of a response. “You no longer work for me. Harry is fine.”

The smile he throws me is almost sweet if I didn’t know the cruelty that could hide underneath. I don’t return the smile, I only raise my brow and look back down at my phone. My cell service hasn’t gotten any better and I’d missed the wifi password.

I could connect to Harry’s wifi, ask him so that I could order an uber.

I’d rather van gogh my ear.

I weigh all my options and consider the last one again. I look up to see what Harry was doing in the silence and find him looking at me. A shiver runs up my spine as our eyes clash. So much history and words unspoken fall in between. A very specific night flashes through my mind. I wonder if it does him because he looks down first. Damn.

“So I’ve gotta get going,” I say.

“Let me buy you a drink.” He says at the same time.

He laughs awkwardly and repeats, “One drink?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why not?”

“We’re not drinking buddies.” I pull my purse to my chest, wanting to hop off this stool and run home if I need to. Put as much distance between myself and this man that was put on this earth to confuse me.

“Then what are we y/n?” He asks, his voice silky smooth as he leans in. The voice that whispered sweet nothings into my ear in my worst nightmares, nightmares of cotton sheets and heated limbs, of passion and shame.

“Ex-employer,” I point to him. I point to myself, “Ex-employee.”

“Exes have drinks together,” he grins full well knowing the double meaning.

“Never ends well,” I eye the door.

“Just as stubborn as I remember.”

“And you were saying people change?” I raise my brow.

He drops the smile and sighs, “I’m not gonna be able to convince ya am I?”

I shake my head. He should know that by now.

“Can I walk you out at least?”

I shrug, couldn’t hurt.

“What is this?” I ask as he opens the door for me.

“What?”

“This? Why are you trying to be so friendly?”

“I thought we could be friendly exes.”

And when did he get so cheeky.

“Something weird is going on,” I watch him stay in step with me as I walk up. With no service I was going to take the tube. “And I don’t like it.”

“Nothing weird is going on don’t get all paranoid on me.”

“Don’t call me paranoid! You never call a woman paranoid.”

“I thought that was conspiracy theorists?”

“Nooo. You’re being weird.”

"Alright, no need to get all Freudian on me. Just trying to be a decent human here."

I shake my head, somehow in our exchange my face had decided it was okay to smile. To forget what he put me through and remember instead that when things were good between us we actually got along.

Damnit. The devil knew how to play tricks. I wipe the smile off my face while he continues walking with me.

“So…what have you been up to?” He asks.

“Working, you know me.” I say after trying to figure out what his angle was but unable to find one.

“Oretta Smith I hear, how did you manage that?”

“I’m just that good Harry,” I say. His name is weird in my mouth. Sure I called him that in my head but I usually used Mr. Styles. I can tell he feels the same with his quick glance my way.

“How do you like that?”

“Yeah, she’s a great employer like I said. Very professional. Lots of flexibility.” Each praise is a knock to his ego. But it was all true, plus with Winnie joining the team I had a friend my age that felt great.

But there was also a darker side called burnout that I barely admitted to myself. Ever since we landed in London and I had time to orient my new self in a city that molded my old self, I felt the familiar singe of purposeless. But I keep it to myself of course.

“Great.” Harry responds curtly. “What about yourself? How’s your life, are you finally married?”

My instinct is to raise my defences and chew him out, he must know Gray and I were done what with me living in the States.

And yet, when I peer past the defences and take a long hard look at him I realize he is asking earnestly and without another angle.

We’re nearing the tube now. I hesitate in lying or telling the truth.

“We broke up,” I choose to confess. I peek at him and he looks surprised, even sorry.

“I didn’t know. Sorry.”

“I’d hope not,” I reply. “Otherwise you’d be an asshole calling me Mrs. Duran.”

He huffs an awkward laugh.

“Anyway this is me—

“I can give you a ride home—wherever that is right now?” He asks.

We’re stood in front of the glass doors. There’s not a lot of people this time of night. And as tempting as his offer was, the way he looks at me right now sends poisonous butterflies to my stomach and I think it’s best I get home for the big day tomorrow and not make any regrets.

“I’m not too far,” I lie. I point a thumb to the doors behind me. “I’m just gonna…”

“Yeah. Yeah right.” He’s awkward, which is a first. He clears his throat and stuffs his hand into his pocket. I watch him with a removed sort of curiosity. Eventually he coughs out his question. “How long are you in London for?”

“A few weeks,” I reply.

He finally meets my eyes again—and there goes my stomach. He was supposed to have zero effect on me, I was supposed to stay mad at him. Why was my body betraying me? Why did it continue to loop memories from that night and remind me of the things he whispered in the dark?

“A few weeks,” he murmurs back.

His gaze travels over my face openly, no longer holding back the barely-hidden expressions from before. Because I told him Gray and I weren’t a thing? Because I was entertaining whatever bullshit this was?

“Yep,” I nod. Awkward. Nervous. Cautious.

“My number’s the same,” his eyes snap back to mine. “If you want to go for that drink later.”

“Harry,” I try to break it to him another way. I wish I could just say I never want that drink. “I don’t think-“

“Don’t think,” he cuts me off. He laughs when I furrow my brows. “I mean, I’m right here for most of the next few weeks. When you feel like you want to have that drink just give me a call. Or text.”

Why, I want to ask him. Why, after all this time, after everything that happened? And it’s like he reads my mind in the silence.

“I know you left on a pretty poor note.” He shuffles his feet. “I know a lot of that was my fault. I apologize for that. Um, but I did enjoy having you around. You were excellent at your job and…you are missed. Even Jeff remembers you fondly. Which is saying something.”

This was some sort of prank. Or Harry had gotten so famous he now had a doppelgänger roaming the streets as him. It couldn’t be that Harry, my Harry, would say something so sentimental and so…genuine.

“So uh yeah, I would love to see you again while you’re in town.” He says when I don’t respond.

“Right.” I choke out.

He shrugs when I can’t bring myself to say anything more. “We do change, whether you believe it or not y/n.”

I swallow, hoping to lubricate my vocal cords and find my voice. “I-I really do have to go.”

Crestfallen, he nods. His hand comes up to touch my elbow. “Yeah ‘course. Just…think about it?”

I look down at his hand and he lets go, we stay in another bubble of silence. His eyes flicker down to my lips and I feel a wave of warmth as I try not to do the same.

“Goodnight,” I blurt and get to the other side of the glass doors. He watches me go.

On the escalator down I risk a glance back and he’s still there, watching until I’m out of sight. That ended incredibly awkward.

Leave it up to Harry to confuse me in coming back into my life. Damn him, he could never be consistent.

***

Waking up super early to catch the train out to Cambridge is so worth it because I get to watch Josie walk the stage and graduate with distinction wearing her famous smile that beams over the vast room.

Despite what happened with Gray and I, Josie and I have kept in touch steadily over the last year. It started as weekly facetimes which reduced down to monthly calls and have now become a steady stream of texts and memes swapped back and forth.

When she found out I’d be in London around her graduation dates she gave me no choice but to show up, sending me a ticket without asking.

I knew I’d see Gray, and a part of me was nervous and curious how that was going to go. But mostly I was grateful to still be in Josie’s life and spend time with her in person. She was the part of this life I missed most.

I’m sat somewhere in the middle of the room and Josie was smart enough not to seat me with the rest of her guests. But I know I would see everyone during photos and the dinner we were having later on. I try keep my focus on the ceremony however.

“Y/N!” Josie rushes towards me when she sees me after the ceremony. The group she departs from I recognize is a mix of her girl friends, her family, and a few others.

“Josie!” I return the same energy and she leaps into my arms. I squeeze her tight to me. “I’m soo proud of you my girl.”

We sway side to side, until we get enough hug.

“Look at you!” She exclaims when she leans back. “Your hair looks amazing and you are glowing. Please tell me you have a boy in your life.”

“No,” I laugh.

“A girl?” She asks hesitantly.

“No! I’m just…happy where I am right now! How about you look at you! You look phenomenal as per.”

“Oh thanks,” she takes the compliment and giggles. “I asked my dad to grad gift me a salon and spa visit so I am rejuvenated and blown out.”

“Aren’t you ever,” I touch a lock of her hair. “Congratulations.”

“Eek!” She squeals. “Finally finished this hellscape! I can’t wait to never write an exam again—ooh wait I want you to meet my boy…”

“So that’s why we’re actually glowing,” I tease as she tugs me towards the group. That definitely has Gray. My stomach drops the closer we get, he doesn’t seem to notice. He looks busy talking to one of Josie’s friends.

“Anyway,” she deposits me in front of a 6 foot something guy made of angles. “This is Jax. My boyfriend. We met during a Friendsgiving Myles threw last year.”

“Nice to meet you,” Jax smiles. “Y/N right?”

“Yes!”

“I was supposed to get around to that,” Josie huffs.

“Sorry she talked about you a lot when she found out you were coming. She was really excited.”

“Ugh,” she turns to me like she was embarrassed but her face is glowing. Josie was in looove.

“You two are so cute,” I tease which just makes Josie blush a little harder. “So are we getting any pictures?”

“Oh yeah,” Jax swivels his head. “Liliya has the good camera if you want to get-“

“Oh we can use our phones,” Josie cuts him off.

“No get the high res one—Liliya, camera?” Jax motions a shuttering action to the friend Gray was talking to. He’s so tall above the crowd that both look up at him and comply.

“Y/N,” Josie drags my arms back and takes me on the outskirt of the crowd. “I’m so sorry I never mentioned because I thought you wouldn’t come if I did tell you but you-“

“Y/N?”

Josie’s rushed whispers are cut short when Gray notices me and calls my name. He looks stupefied. I spare a glance to Josie and she’s paled.

She didn’t tell him.

“Hey,” I force a friendly tone. I was going to kill that girl.

“Did you all want a photo?” Josie’s friend Liliya shoulders her way back into the circle with the camera on a strap. She turns to Gray, “Babe?”

It’s an odd sensation, like all oxygen has left my lungs and they’re being squeezed as if tightened in a vice. Gray’s eyes drag away from me to his…girlfriend? Definitely not Josie’s friend.

It shakes me in the moment how much I realize I still cared, still carried a shred of hope for…something. And not consciously knowing this makes this moment feel a little like a slap in the face.

What did I think? I was going to leave this country for a year and people were going to pause where I last left them? Of course Gray’s moved on. Aside from the end he was a great partner and anybody would want that.

These thoughts race through my head in the few seconds Gray responds to his girlfriend and I look at Josie. She looks guilty as charged.

“I tried to tell you just now?” She whispers.

Deep breaths, I remind myself. You’re not the hot-headed y/n these people knew last. This day is not about you. It’s about Josie.

“It’s cool. Let’s get some photos,” I smile. “Don’t want to miss having them with you.”

She sighs but keeps her eyes on my face as we walk farther out.

“I am really sorry,” she whispers.

“Hey it’s alright,” I lie. This was the worst of it—Gray had moved on, had a great girlfriend, and I was living the life I wanted. No harm and no foul. “Honestly Jo I get it, you wanted me here reallllly bad.”

“I did!” She says. “But I’m also gonna kill Jax.”

I laugh and we straighten up when we realize the camera was already pointed at us. Josie flashes her degree and a few of her friends join the pictures too. We hustle back to Gray to see them and flipping back on the first few makes my breath catch in my throat. There’s one in particular where Josie is turned to me talking and my mouth is in a big grin because I’m laughing.

I catch eyes with Gray in an uncomfortably intimate second.

“Send me that one for sure wow Gray that’s a really good shot.”

“Oh wow,” his girlfriend peers over. “That’s a great candid.”

“Yeah,” I agree. I’d love a copy too. And of course that’s when Gray’s girlfriend notices me and introduces herself.

“I don’t think we’ve met—is that an American accent I detect?”

“It is,” I smile. “I’m Y/N.”

“Oh!” Two spots of pink appear on her face. It seems she’s heard of me. “Well it’s nice to meet you—nice that Josie invited you! I’m Liliya but Lily works too.”

“C’mon!” Josie interrupts the awkward by grabbing her brother’s arm and pushes him in the direction of where her friends are posing for photos. He takes some shots but Josie hates the look of them and gives the camera to Lily instead.

With just Gray and I left behind it grows very awkward.

“I thought Josie told everyone I would be-“ I say just as he says, “I didn’t realize you would be-“

We stop and chuckle awkwardly.

“Sorry,” I shake my head.

“No,” he shrugs. “It’s cool. It’s cool you’re here actually.”

“Okay,” is all I can say. Until the awkward silence stretches. “So…Liliya?”

“Yeah. Yeah, Liliya. You?”

I want to lie, but I shake my head. “No. Sorta needed the year to breathe a little.”

“Fair. How’s America?”

“Oh y’know, still super-sized and politically a guessing game.”

“Have you turned on our news while you’ve been down at all?” He raises a brow. I laugh because he was right. It was all a shitshow everywhere.

He asks me about my family as Josie jogs up to us.

“Okay, tell me the truth is my hair going flat?”

“No,” I look behind her where her friends are hovering over Lily and the camera going over their photos.

“Good. Where’s mum and dad?” Josie asks Gray. “Dad was just here 10 minutes ago he said he’d come by for—oh there’s mum! Look!”

We turn to where she points. Michelle—what I’ve always called Gray’s mom, spots her daughter at the same time and waves. She starts to walk towards us.

It’s nice to see her but I also feel a bit nervous; going cold turkey on relationships you only had because of an ex are always weird to come back to. Especially ones you were fond of.

“Mum! You’re missing all the pictures!” Josie says. “Where’ve you been!?”

“I just saw somebody I knew back from my first job as a librarian can you believe that?” Michelle says as she joins the group.

“Crazy. Well mum look who got to show up today! Isn’t that crazy too?”

Michelle looks at me and the bright smile that was intended for her daughter dies like a flower in overnight frost. The look wipes the anticipation off my face.

“Who?”

That one word shades the sun from the sky and brings forth a gust of western winds through the group.

“Mum,” Josie look between me, her mum, and Gray. She’s confused. “Y/N?”

“Hey Michelle,” I croak. Maybe my hair was too different for her to recognize me, or maybe she had early onset alzheimers. Surely this woman who I’ve had a better relationship with than her own son has wouldn’t be treating me like your worst frenemy at your high school reunion.

But Michelle looks right through me. I can’t explain how it feels, not in the moment. I’m gutted, and feel an unexplainable wave of sadness.

“Mum…” Josie sounds hurt and Gray finally decides to swoop in.

“Mum let’s check out the photos we took already. We gotta get some of the three of us.”

They walk away and I feel seven inches tall but I turn to Josie with a brave face and face her teary one.

“That was kind of awkward,” I downplay.

“Y/N I’m honestly so sorry I-,” Josie blinks rapidly.

“No it’s ok!”

“I don’t know why she acted like that-“

“Hey It’s natural for her to feel that way I’m alright don’t get upset-“

“It’s not alright though! That was such a…she never acts like that.”

It was true. Michelle was a free-spirit as she called herself. That’s why Gray had such a hard relationship with her; in his words, she was too emotional and ungrounded for him.

Yet apparently, she was able to find enough ground to stand on when it came to treating me like a nobody. I wonder if it’s because she heard Gray’s biased side of the story or she was hurt herself—still, the way she’s always talked about herself never struck me as someone who would believe a one-sided story. Or be a bitch to someone they previously called their daughter. It hurt like a mofo.

I didn’t want Josie to find out this way, here of all places, that her mom was just human after all. She idolized that woman.

So even though it hurt, I comfort her instead.

“She probably just feels betrayed by me leaving and stuff since we were close too. Imagine if Jax broke up with you and she gave him the cold shoulder—wouldn’t you feel justified?”

Josie scrunches her brows to think about the simplified story I’ve just fed her to feel better. I can tell it still doesn’t sit well with her but she nods in acceptance, “I guess.”

“Yeah, just forget it Josie. Plus you’ve got pictures to take so dry those eyes.”

“Shit I know,” she blinks some more. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to invite you here and twist the knife at every bloody turn.”

“Jo I’m honoured to get to be here and see all your hard work pay off. Don’t worry about anything else.”

“It’s unfair,” she says before she drifts to her group of friends. “I feel like nobody understands how…how understanding you are. But I’m really glad we’re still in touch. And you came for me.”

Her words bring tears to my eyes and I nod, afraid that talking would bring them forward. I watch her crash her group and start instructing photo coordination. I help hold things for people while they take photos and feel like a stranger outside the crowd. If it weren’t for Josie, I think I would have regretted coming here. I feel homesick and unwanted. A tough combo.

I was supposed to crash on someone’s couch tonight and do brunch with Josie tomorrow before going back to London but from the last half hour alone I know I’m going back to the city no matter how late it gets tonight. I think of the hotel room that was home right now, of how lonely that was going to feel to go back to too.

Home right now was in America, in the same time zone as my family, and comfortable in my shared apartment with one of my high school best friends who I reconnected with after going back home. I miss it so bad. And I feel like I’ve bitten into an unripe fruit coming back to the UK before I was ready apparently. My experience feels soured.

I shake off the doom and gloom when the party breaks. We were all going to meet at the restaurant at 6–my plan was to explore the university city and find a place to kill some time in. Maybe go outside to a park with lunch. Josie tries to convince me to join her and her friends for their mid-day celebration but I lie and tell her I had some work to do.

I call Winnie on my stroll through the city. I insist she update me on last night first, and she has more to tell—the guy had a yacht and he was inviting her to a party tonight. She tells me to join if I came back early and we cross our fingers that Oretta wouldn’t need her before then.

I originally called her to rant about Michelle and Gray but I don’t, I didn’t want to kill her vibe. So I scroll through my other contacts but don’t want to worry my mom and it was too early back home to reach anyone else.

My eyes catch on Harry’s name, he was at the top of my texts currently because he sent me a link this afternoon asking me for thoughts on it. I hadn’t opened it yet, I wasn’t sure what to think about this new persona he was wearing or that he thought yesterday’s run-in went okay enough to casually message me for my thoughts.

I remember the weird electricity of yesterday and shove my phone back into my pocket.

He genuinely wanted to have a drink? And talk??

I did enjoy having you around. You were excellent at your job and you are missed.

Was he trying to make up for his cruel words? But he also seemed a lot more mellow than before. Maybe that was just because I didn’t work for him. What did he want? And was I twisted for believing the new schtick?

Most curious of all was him at the pub in the first place. He was not a local there—that was a big lie.

I try to conjure up my previous hatred, calling him the Devil in my head. But it’s harder to do. Seeing him yesterday, he was just a man standing in front of a woman with a head full of cautionary tales and bad experiences.

Without warning images from that night come back and I feel my heart flutter. I shut them down just as quick. Not all bad, my body tries to remind me. I tell it to shut up.

I’ve barely stepped foot in this country again and already my mind was running circles around my heart. How exhausting.

***

I’m early to the restaurant, before anyone else apparently. As the hostess finds my name on her floor plan Josie comes in behind me with Jax.

“Oh! Y/n you’re early!” She seems flustered.

“Yeah I didn’t think I would be,” it was only a few minutes to 6.

We make small talk while we’re led to the table, Josie’s eyes keep darting to where our table might be.

“Sorry I was hoping to do this before you came,” she says when we get there. There are name cards along the 7 seats and she picks the one in front of me. “I’m just gonna move mum to my other side so it doesn’t get weird. Which means she’ll be closer to dad but…I think he’s bailing since his girlfriend doesn’t want to do this.”

Josie shrugs, I know how she feels about her dad’s girlfriend. She begins explaining the plans she has to do dinner with her dad later this week and the more she talks the more I can tell that she feels awkward. And I hate that it’s because of me. At one point Jax and I catch eyes and pass an awkward smile.

“Josefina Duran,” I walk up to her fiddling with the name tags. She stops talking immediately. I grip her shoulders. “Thanks.”

“Sorry,” she whispers. I wrap my arms around her and she melts into me.

“Stop apologizing.”

“Sorry. I can’t help it. It’s a disease.”

We let go with a laugh and she seems more stable. “This is going to be fine.”

Famous last words.

It’s definitely not fine and very awkward. Jax ends up sitting in front of me, and even though Liliya’s name tag was beside mine it’s suddenly swapped as they slide in and Gray sits beside me. I guess it might be too awkward for her but not awkward enough to fit someone we both dated between us.

I can sense Michelle’s pinched face as she notices us sitting beside each other and I feel badly for Josie the most as she tries to play the gracious host. At one point I sense Jax laying a hand on her arm and taking over, asking Michelle questions about her yoga and getting her talking.

“Did you need more?” Gray turns to me with the wine bottle, it’s the second thing he’s said to me tonight. Otherwise he mostly just watches me talk and leans back enough when others are talking so I can be involved.

“I’m okay,” I whisper. I didn’t want to draw any attention while Michelle was talking. She hadn’t said a peep to me, even when Josie tried to involve us both in a shared memory. She continued acting like I was Casper the ghost.

I can feel Lily’s eyes on us as Gray offers wine, of course they would be. No wonder Gray barely spoke to me all night. Fuck me, what was I doing here.

Jax is a sweetheart, asking me about my job and encouraging conversation between the both of us. I’m so happy for Josie that she found a partner like him.

By the time dinner is over I mostly want to cry. I feel spent. But I also feel like I crashed an intimate dinner and everyone’s polite enough not to mention it. Despite Josie, I do actually regret coming.

As we pay the bill and shuffle out, Josie grabs my arm.

“So I have two friends where you can crash at their place or Jax can sleep over at mine and you can sleep at his or-“

“I think I’m gonna head back to the city.”

Her face falls. But it’s like she knew I was going to say that.

“Sorry Jo. I think you should come to the city next week—maybe visit your brother? And while you’re down we’ll do brunch then. I’m mostly free while I’m here. I’m just pretty tired and have to help Winnie with something tomorrow.”

“Really?” She says in the smallest voice I’ve heard out of her. Salt to my wounds.

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I know we were looking forward to getting time together.”

She juts out her lip and I’m reminded of the girl I met when I first started dating Gray. How she’d taken to me so quickly. How the whole family had. How things could end up like this.

And suddenly I see the future laid out in front of me. After tonight it would be hard to keep this relationship going—Josie and I. She’s just seen her mom be an unreasonable bitch for the first time, I can tell she’s been trying to compensate all night but the cracks won’t go away. It’ll always be a sitting duck between us.

We might try to stay in touch, maybe I’d reach out if I was ever in London or if she ever visited the west coast. But this would fizzle out.

She was still young and naive enough that her mom hung the moon and stars; mom’s beliefs were gospel, her opinions were rulings, and she’d just delivered my ultimate sentence: I was a black sheep to the family. How could sweet Josie walk through a mess like that?

“I’m so proud of you,” I tell her as I fight tears. “Congratulations again and thank you for inviting me.”

“Thanks. And you don’t have to be so nice. I know it was kind of a shitty invite.”

“No,” I insist. “I loved being here. I don’t regret showing up for you. I can’t wait to hear what you get up to.”

“I’m going to make sure to make it to the city next week,” she squeezes my arm. “We’ll see each other soon.”

“Exactly,” I look over at the rest of the group, where her boyfriend waits for her. Her family. “And I really like Jax, so good on you for that.”

“He…” she twists her lips, swallowing what she was going to say before vomiting it out. “I always aspired to have a relationship like yours and Gray’s. I never wanted to settle for anything less so that’s…that’s why Jax.”

“Hm I think you made us the bar and you leapt over it babe,” I wrap my arms around her again. I ache with the loss of what we used to be.

“See you soon,” she says before she drags herself back to the group.

I stand off to the side, awkwardly ordering an Uber. The group begins to walk the opposite way waving bye to me. I breathe easier without the weight of them around.

As I tap my foot in anticipation of the ride to the station arriving, I feel a hand tap my shoulder.

“Y/n,” it’s Gray. “Hey I…I just wanted to say something before you left.”

“Oh. Hey yeah. Shoot.”

What was it with everyone wanting to say something to me.

“Uh…ok give me a minute,” he laughs in the way I know to mean he was feeling nervous. “I just sort of jogged back impulsively.”

“Yeah well you have,” I glance at my phone. “4 or so minutes.”

“Damn,” he ruffles his hair. “Alright. I think I just wanna say sorry.”

“Oh.” That was it. Everyone had something to say to me and the something was apparently sorry.

“Yeah I’m sorry. I…when we broke up I was so upset and caught up in my own head. I blamed you for everything. I think it only hit me when you just up and moved out of the country how things actually went down.”

I hadn’t told anyone but Josie that I was leaving.

“Yeah you were just like gone.” He continues. “I guess a part of me thought we’d get some space, maybe circle back later…”

“You really betrayed me,” I remind him.

But even I know what he means. He hurt me bad and it might be crazy stupid but on some level we were both aware we were in an ugly place and maybe with some space we might come back to the place that was good for us again. Maybe bump into each other one day, strike up a conversation, find there might still be a small amount of love left. Enough to water and grow again.

“I know,” he sighs. “I know. I hate that I hurt you like that. I regret…I actually don’t really hang out with that group of friends as much anymore. I sorta have myself to blame but I didn’t like who I was with them.”

I listen, letting him speak. It hurt too, knowing this was the Grayson I had fallen in love with. Kind and supportive, and now apparently he’s learned to communicate. Maybe that was a Lily thing.

“I guess,” he blows the air out of his cheeks. “I want to say I’m really truly sorry. I missed you a lot after you left. Nothing was the same and life was fucking hard. I wish things didn’t end the way they did and I stayed mature but I was just jealous and angry.”

I nod to acknowledge what he’s saying and watch him take a breath to continue.

“And I always appreciated how you never let us shake your relationship with my sister because she bloody loves you—I don’t think how mum treated you was right today but I never really understood her in the first place. I’m sorry about that.”

“Yeah,” is all I can manage without making it obvious how emotional this was all making me. How one year could make me feel like a completely different person. How this man I loved, and still love in some way, could stand in front of me talking about us as something in the past. Because we were. Long past.

My phone dings with a notification that my ride would be here. We glance down and out into the street.

“Anyway,” he swallows. “I just wanna apologize. And say I genuinely hope you find love y/n. Love that’s as fierce and loyal as you are. I hope you can forgive me one day. And I hope you’re successful as hell in whatever you pour yourself into.”

“Thank you Gray,” I want to say I was sorry too. For what it was worth. But my car pulls to the curb.

I wave at the driver to let them know I’d ordered it and we walk the few feet to the back door.

I face Gray and open my mouth to say it. Say something more: how I appreciated his words, how I was sorry for how things ended too, how I hope he is happy. But nothing comes out of my mouth. I just stare at him, my eyes welling with tears instead.

Gray holds out his hand and I look down at it. I knew those hands well and it’s like walking into a place you used to frequent in the past and have memories rush towards you as you remember: those hands held me and wrapped around my own and comforted me, they made me food and stroked my hair, and carried my bags when they got too heavy. They once wore an engagement band I gifted, they once held a small box with a life-changing question I had said yes to.

Now it was just a hand.

I clasp it and he squeezes.

“I know,” he says, his eyes trained on my watery ones. He squeezes again and lets go.

I rush into the car, those two words nearly cracking me in half. I wave goodbye through the tinted window and feel a wave of despair that pulls me down into the depths of darkness.

Too much was happening at once.

My emotions spiral out of me and I feel alone in this foreign country; I needed comfort where none could be found.

I don’t mean to. Or maybe I do. But on the train back to London I text Harry: is it too early to cash in on the drink?

His response is immediate: no, I was waiting for this text last night

I smile, despite myself.

Can I come over? I text with shaking hands.

H: For drinks?

Y: For drinks

H: Ofc.

***

The taxi drops me in front of the familiar building. I feel an echo of anxiety pierce through me as I go through the familiar doors. I nod at the concierge, the night replacement was new and I’m grateful nobody can recognize me making this potentially stupid decision.

For a brief second I wonder if Harry had other plans tonight but decide not to overthink it. He’d invited me openly. And maybe I was making a decision based on sadness and loneliness and grief and needing to be wanted but I make it. And I would make it like a grown woman—ready to accept the consequences.

I didn’t want to go back to my lonely hotel room. I didn’t want to call anyone and talk about what just happened. I didn’t have words. My body was taking the beating, feeling everything under the sun and now bruised and battered for it. I just wanted my body to forget that. And there was only one person in this godforsaken city that could help.

I’m let up to the penthouse and I forgot it had a distinct smell, wood-like and something indescribable. Weird that it felt comforting.

“You made it,” Harry comes into view in a simple pair of shorts and a long-sleeved white tee pushed up to his elbows. It’s the sleeves that really do it.

“I did.”

I leave my bags beside the elevator next to the umbrella stand, keeping my eyes on him. He doesn’t take his off mine either. I’m glad he doesn’t. Now I know he knows we both said drinks but meant something more.

He reaches out for me before I even get to him, and I know I would think about that later. A lot. But right then in the middle of his entryway I wrap my arms around his neck and lean up on my toes to reach him too.

His lips are soft against mine and he tucks me into him, his hand splayed out on my lower back. It feels like a return to a lover, someone who knows you, like I would’ve thought seeing Gray again would feel. But it’s just Harry, and the thought of baseless familiarity freaks me out a little.

The next time I feel his lips they’re on my jaw and neck and down to the base of my throat. He murmurs my name as he makes his way down and my body reacts immediately. He takes me by the waist and backs me up against the nearest wall, and I have a feeling I might fall.

I had made the conscious decision to walk into the devil’s lair because it was the only place I could get what I needed.

My fingers dig into his shoulders. My body wants this. Every part of me wants to pull him close and hold him and never let go. I wanted all of it tonight.

But I am so tired.

I put a hand on his chest and press gently. I can feel the warmth of his skin, the firmness of his muscles and the beat of his heart as he pauses.

“Sorry, I should have started with a hello. That was too fast was it?” He whispers, looking me straight in the eyes.

I have a million answers, but nothing comes. He puts his hand over mine and I feel it as a shiver runs up my spine.

"Is this too fast?" he asks again, and I hear the worry in his voice.

I shake my head.

He gives a breathy laugh, "Then tell me."

"I think I-“

“Don’t,” he covers my mouth with a laugh. “Please please. Don’t think.”

I smile under his palm and he drops his hand, I can tell he’s proud of lightening the moment by the sheen in his eyes. The moment is tender in a way that takes me back.

He brushes back my hair and kisses my forehead. I close my eyes, breathing in his cologne.

“That’s not where I want to be kissed,” I tell him.

“Then where?” He plays along.

“Anywhere but there.”

He kisses my nose. “There?”

“Not there,” I open my eyes to look up at him. “I’ll have you know that was very snotty just an hour ago.”

He groans, “you really have a way of taking the desire out of a situation.”

But his brows furrow and he watches me even closer.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I respond to his unasked question.

With that statement he takes a painful step back and I nearly slide down the wall without his support.

“What?” I ask.

“We should take that drink first.”

I feel the loss of his body pressed against mine, I realize miserably.

“What do you mean? I thought the drinks were just an excuse?” I ask.

He laughs a little, “Maybe tonight, but I really did want to have a drink with you. And talk.”

“Harry,” I groan. “I’m all out of talking tonight. Truly.”

“As much as I want to say forget talking and take you to bed I need to do this…just follow me,” he leads me and my flushed body through to the main living area which I was well familiar with but it’d gotten a facelift. I make commentary on the changes and he tells me more about it as he pulls a wine he wants out for us.

“I changed things around a little after you left,” he says as he hands me the wine glass. “I needed it. The change.”

“Oh.” Is all I can muster. I follow him to the sofa, tonight he doesn’t leave as much space between us but it still feels like a weird parallel to the night I landed in the hospital; a confrontation with Gray leading me to wine with Harry. “Look Harry I don’t know if I can do this.”

“Why not?”

“I…I’m at minimal capacity right now I just-“

“Just let me talk then.”

“Why does everyone want to talk!”

“I need to tell you what I should have said a long time ago and I want to apologize-“

“You already did-“

“Properly.”

I cross my arms and sigh.

“Y/n bloody hell I forgot how quickly you can get under my skin.”

“So this isn’t a great thing then.”

“Y/N,” he says my name like a warning and I want to comply. I roll my eyes and knock back my glass of wine, the buzz from the glass at dinner has long since worn away.

“Part of me wants to top you up but another part remembers what happened last time.” Harry eyes me.

“No I’m okay with just one glass. Drinking when I’m upset doesn’t end well.”

“Yeah…I don’t want you concussed on my watch again.”

“No we don’t want that,” we smile at each other, a soft and sentimental smile that gets the anxious stuttering of my heart to calm down a little. He just wanted to talk, so what?

But the anxious voice runs through the scenarios he might want to—his recent text, or something I did as his PA he wants to take up now. Gah.

“I really have missed having you around,” he says softly.

“Didn’t feel like you would with how you treated me.” I raise my brow.

“I know.” He pauses then mumbles something before talking to me directly. “You must have heard about the PA before you? Maybe from Riley?”

“Kind of.”

“Kind of?”

“Hmmm this feels like a trick question.” I say but he tells me he just wants to know what I knew. So I rip the bandaid off. “You had a fling with her.”

He hangs his head back over the seat of the sofa and sighs. “I knew that piece of…Riley makes me really mad when I think about him sometimes.”

“Does he?” I raise my brow. “I can think of someone else who makes me madder.”

“I know that’s supposed to be me. And I don’t know what to do about that except come clean right now.”

“And why is that?” I ask. “Coming clean? I came here just to get distracted in bed with you. I never thought I’d live to see the day where a guy like you wants to talk instead.”

“Y/N,” he says with such an intense look my way my stomach flips. “Trust me. I want to have you in my bed more than you do. But I told myself if that day ever somehow happened it would be after this.”

I shrug, let him continue. In reality his words make me weak and I can’t speak. Which kind of annoys me—why did he have such a strong pull over me? How did he so easily admit he’s thought about me, about having me in his bed!?

My heart flutters amongst other things.

I remember a brief conversation I had with my mom last year when she asked me why I wasn’t putting myself out there and dating again and I told her I just didn’t have the heart for it. She had said it seems I left my heart in London—my passion and my heart. Sitting here with Harry stirs something inside of me, scares me, and I want to distract that with more wine. But I manage to control myself.

“I was fairly new to the industry when I hired Riley and it was his second proper job or something so we were both a bit young and we ended up being friendlier than we should have.” Harry starts. “But he was great at his job and never gave me any issues. I stayed naïve that people in this industry would look out for my best interest-“

“That’s really naïve,” I can’t help but comment but he throws me a look and I zip my lips. “Sorry.”

“I was lucky that the first few relationships I built as I got my foot in the door were genuine but I realized too late that it wasn’t a norm. Everyone wanted a piece of me and they all wanted me to be someone else. Some angle. Shit hit the fan pretty quickly. So when I needed more help I decided to create a new role for Riley and hire a PA. She was seasoned and came highly recommended.”

I nod along to his story.

“Long story short, she started out good but she kept trying to get me alone and get me talking. And back then after being friends with my old PA I didn’t have the wisdom of setting boundaries—don’t give me that look.”

“What!” I raise my hands. “I’m just listening.”

“You’re judging me.”

“Just continue,” I encourage. I was judging a little.

“Anyway, where I thought we were just friendly she thought I—I dunno I was falling for her or something. And one night she was working late so she had dinner here. She kept refilling my drink I didn’t realize she wasn’t drinking as much. It’s not much of an excuse but by the time she came onto me I was pissed and it didn’t take much.”

He continues the story like it was nothing but his voice catches a little and he doesn’t look me in the eye. My insides grow colder. I want to reach inside of him and hold the old Harry, the naive one who didn’t know better.

“Please don’t feel bad for me,” he cuts my sympathy short. “I didn’t turn into a great person after that. Especially with how I treated you.”

“That’s right.” I pretend to be unaffected by his story like he wanted me to be. But it’s near impossible.

“So that’s how I decided it was best for me to play the asshole. I couldn’t fire her after that—it would look awful and she could report me and screw me over. But I could make working for me a nightmare and so I did. A few months later she quit.”

He sighs and takes a swig of his wine, “Then you came along and I thought ‘I should play the asshole from the get go.’ I had gotten good by then at compartmentalizing my personality in the industry.”

“Hmph,” I raise a brow. He has the decency to look embarrassed but he continues.

“But the more time we spent together the worse I felt. You were nothing like the previous PA. You were genuine and down-to-earth. Pretty fiery but I wouldn’t find that out until later,” he grins. I roll my eyes. “I tried to ease up a little but things kept happening to push me back into the asshole box.”

“But you were so snappy, and a dick.”

“I know. I didn’t know how to tell you you worked too hard without dropping the asshole act and making you feel even shittier.”

“What do you mean?”

“I had to be the villain in your story-“

“What?” What was he talking about?

“Yeah like, you were working all the time even though there were some times I told you to wrap it up for the day.”

I remembered that, thinking he was kicking me out.

“But you took the job so seriously. I appreciated everything you did but you were dogged at making sure you did the best at any cost.”

“What do you mean? At any cost?” I ask, a cold sensation running down my back.

“For example take that one time a few months in when I asked you to call me because you forgot to order wine. You bloody came all the way back to hand deliver it-“

“Yeah because you said to call you and you were gonna be pissed if I-“

“No, y/n,” he lays a hand between us. “I just wanted you to call to know where you usually ordered from so I could order that for myself. You weren’t in any trouble! But I could only blame myself for playing the hard asshole too well.”

I think about that night, Josie’s birthday party. How I left early and upset Gray. How I didn’t need to but I had been following the Dos and Dont’s list.

Shit, the lists. They were added onto by the last PA who, now I know, was having her life made into hell just so she would quit. Some of those lists were on an extreme I didn’t even have to follow. Fuck. That was on me.

My face must be a painting of regret because Harry apologizes again.

“I’m sorry but I didn’t want you to…I just felt like I had to play the villain so you could do what you had to do. So you could continue hating me and we could establish the clear boundary.”

“Right.” I have a bitter taste in my mouth.

“But I genuinely liked you, I thought you were funny and sensitive-“

“You don’t like my sensitivity.”

“I do. I just hated how angry you were-“

“Because of you.”

“I know. I created a monster, I’m Frankenstein.”

“Damn straight.” I agree and we pause a beat before laughing.

“Anyway,” he continues. “You were funny and sensitive and resilient, passionate and smart, and you cared so deeply. It was rare meeting people like you in this field. I wanted to wrap you in bubble wrap but I think I shattered you instead. I’m sorry for the way I just let my past colour your time here. I feel like you left because of me-“

“It was really a lot of reasons.”

“I know but I was part of that and I felt no good. After you left I was a miserable son of a bitch for a while. I couldn’t even enjoy my holiday because I kept thinking of you. I was miserable so I barely even said goodbye—I didn’t realize you were going to run away so far. But I also didn’t want to say goodbye because I was scared I would convince you to stay by spilling my truth.”

His words sit on my chest and they slowly sink down to my stomach. I don’t know what it meant, what he wanted me to do with this confession. It’s too much.

“Mostly,” he continues, shifting closer to me on the sofa. He lowers his voice, “Mostly I’m sorry about Barcelona.”

I flush at the mention of it. At the heat and passion from that night. His eyes roam my face.

“I’m not that guy. I should have treated you nicer, should have been the one to keep my patience.”

“I didn’t make it easy,” I admit.

“No,” he chuckles. “You really fucking did not.”

We smile.

“But you’re so much more than anger y/n. I could barely sleep that night, I kept regretting giving into the anger and not being slow and soft with you the way you deserve. I regret it all the time.”

His confession pulls the veil off my eyes and I see a sharper image of my past. Of everything. It all comes at once and I can’t sort through it in the moment but I know what I want to do.

I shuffle over until I’m up against Harry, I hold his face in mine and he cups my face in his hand.

“You drove me crazy,” I tell him. “Made my life hell.”

“I know. But you drove me crazy too. Nobody got under my skin like you did.”

“Same.”

His hand snakes down to my thigh and he nudges it over his lap so that I’m straddling his body. I feel vulnerable and scared—not the first time these emotions have coursed through me in this very room. But today I don’t feel powerless.

His lips are soft against my cheek, my jaw, down my neck. Unlike the first time he’s slow and deliberate like someone who’s waited so long to unwrap a cherished gift and can’t stand ripping even the gift wrap. He pushes my hair out of the way and trails his fingertips down the back of my neck.

“I’m glad you’re here,” he whispers in my ear. The more he talked the more nervous he was making me. I turn my head to capture his lips, run my fingers through his hair which is too short to really grasp. I missed his old hair.

We break apart for a breath and I can feel the tension. The desire to have him near clashing with the need to go slow. To savour this. Somehow we both feel it.

“We don’t have to do anything tonight,” Harry promises me, his finger trailing down my arm. “Just having you here is enough.”

Oh god. How did he know just the things to say. This man was way too suave. He really was the devil.

But I needed him. It’s scary to admit but I did. I wanted to be here, I really did. I needed to be in this moment with him. Fulfill some shut-out desire that had grown dusty in the corner of my heart.

“I want to do this.”

With a gentle kiss he gets us up and takes my hand. I feel myself being pulled through the living room and towards the bedroom. The sheets are cool, but not cold and when he crawls in beside me I forget that I had ever been anywhere else.

He’s attentive and deliberate and I’m buzzing with anticipation. I decide to pick up the pace, propping myself up to take off my blouse. I watch his throat bob up and down like he’s never seen me like this before even though he has. It’s endearing.

The way his hands fit in the curve of my waist makes it harder to breathe. He moves his hands up my torso and to the straps of my bra. He pauses, as if asking permission, and when I nod, he kisses me. He unhooks it and slowly slides it off my shoulders, eyes fixed on mine.

The intensity of his gaze is overwhelming.

I pull him close to kiss him again, and he pulls me under him so I can feel the full weight of him against me. This is what I needed. To be physically present and not stuck in the after tremors of the earthquakes of my past. Not that he wasn’t part of my past but this is different. A non-verbal agreement to just be present. I knew his ways with women, it could be a one-night thing and that’s what I needed.

But that’s why the moments of tenderness and adoration nearly take my breath away. I don’t know where to put these things.

He kisses down my shoulder while his hand trails down to my trousers. He hooks his finger into the belt loop and tugs gently, looking up at me for consent.

I nod.

He slowly takes them off, and when his fingers brush against my bare legs, my breath hitches.

It happens again when he presses his lips against my hip bone.

He stops for a moment, and I can almost see the cogs in his brain whirring.

He moves up to press his forehead against mine.

"I don't know how to do this right," he says quietly, and his eyes search mine.

“What do you mean?”

“This is always how I should have treated you,” he whispers. “I want you to know-“

“Harry,” I smooth out the lines on his forehead.

"No," he grabs my hand and kisses it. "I don't want you to feel like I don't care because I do. I don’t want to hurt you. I'm not good at saying these things. But I want you to know how much I value you. That I like you as a person. I respect you. I want you to be okay.”

“I-“ who was this Harry, seriously!? “I get it. I’m okay. I am.”

He smiles at me tentatively and my heart does a somersault.

I grab the back of his neck and pull him down, pressing my lips against his. I could taste the sweetness of the words he had said.

I tug at his shirt and it flies into the darkness of his bedroom. His skin is heated against mine.

It feels like an eternity before he finally reaches the band of my panties, and my heart thumps wildly.

"May I?" he looks up.

"Please," I whisper.

For the first time since I’ve met him he doesn’t make it about himself or what he needs. It’s almost intimidating how intense he is as he looks after me and it’s hard to reconcile this man with the man in my head. We’re of one mind and it’s like he knows everything I’ve been through in the last 24 hours; he just attends to my every need reminding me that I was here, right here, in his arms and in this body.

And it doesn’t go unnoticed.

“Are you staying the night?” He asks later with a final kiss to my shoulder.

“If that’s alright?” I ask. I didn’t want to be alone in a cold hotel room.

“I’d love nothing more.” He says earnestly.

Love. I brush the word away.

He warns me that he was a slug if I stayed and he’s not exaggerating, with his arm draped over me and tucked up against him he’s like a child with a plush. He falls asleep just as quickly.

I should too but can’t. I feel so intensely about this body laying beside me, I want to crawl inside of him, understand him, understand us and how this worked.

Or maybe I wanted to just understand me, and why I felt a piece of myself sliding back into place tonight. I had to be the most fucked up person in this city.

Instead of sleeping I lay awake thinking about everything and I can’t help it. I go over this morning—god it felt like weeks ago. Josie’s graduation. Josie. Gray. Even Michelle.

I feel slightly paralyzed by everything that transpired today—it truly felt like peering through a glass window into a life I used to have. I try to break open the glass, sort it all out.

On one side is me and everything I’ve done this whole year to move on from the crumbs of my life here in London. I don’t know why but I really did think that coming back I would be 100% untouchable by my past. I was an idiot for thinking that because I was bothered that Gray seemed to have a steady girlfriend. Why did I think anything would rekindle between us?

I dig deeper, did I even want that to happen? Or did I just want to prove to myself that I was the one Gray let get away because I was too scared to face the possibility that I was the one who let Gray get away.

But clearly something didn’t work with us, I think bitterly. A few months with his new girl and he found the balls to open up with me and communicate his grievances and his apologies.

Love that’s as fierce and loyal as you are, he had said. Was I too much for Gray? Is that why we were made to burn out? It hurt too that he had damaged all my relationships I made in my life here in London only to cut those same people out of his life immediately after I left. The more I think about it the angrier I feel.

And his mom, I still feel bruised by her acting like she didn’t even know me. It stokes the anger higher. Her own son has called her crazy on multiple occasions, I was always nothing but kind to her. Gray was the one who put the final nail in our coffin yet the woman who called me her daughter and claimed to love me had been cruel. Even in the face of getting along for Josie’s sake she had put her petty feelings in the forefront.

These people made me so angry.

How did I ever think I could rekindle anything with Gray? As much as I was to blame, I realize, Gray couldn’t even be kind in the end. Just because the year apart was good to him didn’t mean he would still be good for me.

I think about the man laying beside me, in a hypothetical situation if things got ugly I instinctively want to say he would be cruel too. But I have to push past the persona he claimed to have put up and think about the glimpses of the man I saw underneath. Something tells me he would be just as fiery in letting me know how he was feeling. But with his recent apologies I’m not as convinced he would go out of his way to hurt me again.

Even in the bar last night, I just assumed he called me Mrs. Duran to be cruel but he hadn’t known. Or when I had assumed at Josie’s birthday party I would be fired for forgetting wine because he was an asshole when really he just acted like one so I wouldn’t feel worse.

How many times had I judged people because of how skewed my own lens was? It’s a sobering reminder.

Josie’s face flashes through my mind and I tear up at knowing we were going to cut each other out. No matter how much we loved each other staying in touch at this rate was no longer sustainable. For her best interest.

I think of my younger brother back home, my older sister, our family of 5. When I went back home there was so much to catch up on and eventually, apologize for. I had missed out on so much of my family’s life because I believed I needed to leave to grow. Well, life sure handed me a lot of lessons but I needed to go back home to plant them and let me grow.

Harry stirs beside me, nuzzling my neck in his sleep. I feel myself go teary eyed for no reason.

I wondered if this was just a one-night thing. If we would see each other again while I was in London. Did I want to see him? My heart sings yes immediately.

Damn.

What was it about him that pushed my emotions to the highest highs and lowest lows. How did he know every button to push and every bruise to kiss. This had to be toxic, we couldn’t just take our great big baggage of a past and see each other casually while I was in London. It couldn’t be that easy.

What if it was, hope whispers. I squirm. Could I forgive Harry for everything he’d done?

“Y’sleeping?” Harry mumbles to my left. Shit.

“Yeah,” I say which invokes a throaty chuckle from him. I check the time, it was nearly 4. Double shit.

“Liar,” he tugs on my hips and I turn to face him. “Talk to me.”

I couldn’t. Half of my thought were about him. And how could I tell him I was thinking about my ex after spending the night with him. So I just shake my head.

“Please?” He brushes my cheek with his thumb. “You need to sleep.”

“I-“ I try to say I can’t but the words get stuck in my throat. The emotions of everything I’d been thinking in the last couple hours threaten to dislodge the words from my throat so I close my mouth. But it doesn’t work.

A sob bursts out of me and before I can reel it all in the floodgates swing open and it carries all the pent-up sorrow and confusion, grief and anguish I had bottled up.

Harry freezes for a moment, probably very confused to wake up and have me reacting this way. But he recovers and pulls me into his warm chest.

“What is going on in that head of yours love,” Harry murmurs. Love. I sob even harder.

He murmurs reassuring words whilst stroking my back and I cry an embarrassing amount in the same bed where just hours ago I was blissed beyond comprehension. Life moves fast.

Finally when I gain enough composure I lean away, covering my face because crying into him was one thing but seeing my ugly cry face was another.

“Here,” I feel his body move and then tissues pressed into my hand. I’m grateful for them but I wasn’t going to blow my nose here. I sit up and try to dry my nose. His hand reaches out and the tips of his fingers rest on my spine like he was tethering my lost body to him. Somehow even that is reassuring.

“Don’t go trying to kiss my nose this early on again,” I try to joke through a stuffy voice.

“I wouldn’t dare,” he tugs my arm a little and I fall back beside him. He holds me in both his arms and I watch in horror and affection as he kisses the tip of my nose.

“Stop being so nice,” I laugh and cry a little too.

“You’re actually complaining about me being nice?”

“No I just—I’m not used to it,” I press the tissue to my eyes again.

“Well get used to it,” he peels the hair off of my face and pushes it back. “I don’t want to be the one hurting you. I swear to never ever be the reason you cry like this to anyone.”

“Don’t say those sorts of things if you don’t mean it.”

“I do,” he caresses my face. “You’re breaking my heart y/n, I don’t know who hurt you but I never want to see you like this. Especially not because of me alright? I’m sorry if I ever-“

“Stop,” I put my hand to his mouth. Which is kind of gross since I just blew my nose but I’m pretty sure him kissing my snotty nose means he didn’t care.

“But-“ he says behind my hand.

“I’m embarrassed right now,” I admit.

“You have seen me in every compromising situation,” Harry says. “And we have been through too much together to be embarrassed right now.”

“Fine,” I sigh. “It is tiring.”

“Maybe you can finally sleep now that it’s…almost 5?”

“Sorry,” I sigh. “I hope you don’t have something early?”

“Nope,” he kisses the top of my head. “And even if I did it wouldn’t matter.”

So we both try to go back to bed and I manage to fall asleep, all of those tiring racing thoughts washed away by a good cry. I feel warm and cared for and vulnerable and protected. A stark change from how Harry has made me feel before. Maybe this was temporary or maybe this was the start of something new. I’m just taking it minute by minute while all I can think is Do I or Don’t I?

***

It’s my final week in London and if you’d asked me a couple weeks ago if I was looking forward to going back home I would have said without hesitation yes.

But that night at Harry’s and putting my past to rest brushes away an old and tired film I had been viewing the city with since I landed.

We had seen each other a couple times a week since—I’ve been cautious despite my body saying otherwise. There were many days I had been free but I had made up some excuse not to see him, I was scared of getting too attached and having to leave.

But I can’t deny how nice it was to be with Harry without any labels. Most of the time I went over to his, it was tricky going out somewhere too public and risking getting papped. Together we just talk about life and work, my life back in America and my relationship with my family, his life growing up and his relationship with stardom. We watch movies and listen to music and make jokes and I open up a little about what had been weighing on my mind that night.

Winnie teases me that I was lighter than she’s ever seen me, that London looked good on me. I tell her she’s crazy. But even Oretta admits it when Winnie brings it up to her.

Harry makes the effort to make up for how he acted until it’s not just words. I believe what he was saying. And I admit to my faults too.

We still get under each other’s skin.

The thing we argue about the most is an opportunity Harry tries to get me to sign off on. The link he texted me when I was in Cambridge was an upcoming single one of his friends was releasing and he wanted to get me to bid on executing a music video for it. I tell him he was nuts and that I had no experience, plus I had a job. But he persists. He thinks I should explore putting my creative skills to use and not just my organizational skills. The arguing continues.

I have a date with him tonight, at the same bar we bumped into each other that first night. I have a question I’d been meaning to ask him.

“You aren’t actually a regular here are you?” I ask when we’ve settled.

“Of course I am,” he says but I know he’s lying. I raise my brow and he looks everywhere but at me. “Fine. I’m not.”

“So how the hell did you end up here that night?”

“Coincidence.”

“Liar.”

“I’m an honest man.”

“Truth please?”

“You’re embarrassing me here let’s move on.”

“Nuh-uh,” I’m enjoying his bright cheeks and darting eyes. “Did you stalk me or something?”

“I…I knew this was a local spot for you. Or was.”

“Really? How?”

“You mentioned it a few times? And I dropped you off here once after work.”

He might’ve. I’d met many friends and especially Gray here. I motion for him to continue.

“I might’ve known you were in town, might’ve found out you were here and…”

“So you did stalk me,” I gasp. “Oh my god ladies and gents he is obsessed.”

“That’s a strong word.” He argues.

“You. Stalked. Me.”

“Oh fine, I’ll confess: I’m used to the stalkers and I thought it was high time I did some stalking and see what the fun was all about,” he joins in on making fun of himself.

“Someone get me a restraining order,” I say just as someone approaches our table with drinks. As soon as they leave we burst out laughing.

“So have you given the music video any more thought?” Harry asks as the evening continues.

“Can we not talk about this right now?” I ask.

“I just think you should give it serious thought. I know you want to go into PR, be somebody’s Graham, but you have a really good eye for this thing. Before you pursue what you think you want, try this out.”

“You’re one dude,” I say again. “Who believes I can do this. You want me to throw away the career I’ve worked on for years to dabble in this and potentially waste time instead of getting to where I want?”

“Firstly, if you love doing something it’s not time wasted. And secondly you only ever need just one person to believe in you, angel.”

His fingers brush mine on the table, the familiar electricity courses through me just through the small touch. And of course, his use of pet names always turned me to putty. I hated how malleable he made me.

“Consider it. Just write a proposal y/n, it’s not betraying Oretta or anything. I can talk to her if you want if they choose your idea.”

It was scary putting myself out there for something I didn’t believe in myself for. But my echoes of burnout grow towards the idea of doing something less demanding than being an assistant just like a sunflower to the sun. It basks in letting my creativity flow.

“I’ll think about it.”

“Not for too long,” he taps my fingers again. We were cautious about being too touchy in public, even in a place like this where people genuinely didn’t care who he was. “Proposal’s due at the end of next week.”

When I would be back home in America. Away from here. Him.

We hadn’t talked about it, if we would try to keep in touch. I can’t really imagine a long-distance thing with Harry. Not at this stage. Mostly we enjoyed being in each other’s company and I was scared forcing labels just because we would be apart would ruin this fragile thing.

“Fine.” He’d worn me down and I submit. “Fine I’ll get something in for you.”

He pulls back with a shocked expression. “Did I just convince the stubborn y/n y/l/n to do something she didn’t want to do?”

I scowl. “Don’t get used to it.”

“I won’t,” he laughs, waving his hands around him like he was fanning in an aroma. “I’m soaking this in though.”

“Whatever,” I say with a smile.

“You make me work hard,” he smiles back. “For everything y/n. That’s one of the things I l-I-that I really like about you.”

We ignore the near slip of something far too serious for what we had going. We move past it but it sets my heart racing.

“So this friend of yours,” I change the subject. “With the music video. Didn’t you guys have like, beef when you were on tour? All that article stuff?”

“You of all people should know not to believe what you see online. It was all manipulated and put out of context.”

“I know but you were all moody for all your shows afterwards. I remember Jeff and Graham complaining. I assumed the articles had worn you down a bit.”

He raises a brow like he’s waiting on me to figure something out.

“What?”

“Really? You think it was the artcles?”

“Well what else happened that-“

Oh god. Was I that stupid?

Of course it wasn’t the articles, it was me! Us.

A smile stretches over the contours of his face as realization dawns on mine, “Twice in a row I’ve got you today, I should buy a lottery ticket.”

“I’m off my game today is all, don’t get used to it.”

I can’t believe it. Not that I didn’t believe Harry after the last few weeks but I—that night—really meant that much to him that his feelings over it had affected the rest of his tour? I had affected his tour?

“Why didn’t you say anything if it was weighing on you so much? If I recall I tried to talk to you a couple times.” I ask.

“What could I say,” he snorts. “You were engaged and my loss of control was why you cheated. Then you were quitting and I knew if I said anything you might have stayed. I didn’t want to keep you where you didn’t want to be.”

His words tug at my heart. He really had thought up a storm.

“Harry,” I lean back. “Gray and I broke up before I joined you guys on tour again. We weren’t cheating.”

His forehead creases, “What?! But you were together at my London show. I thought you two broke up after you moved back home?”

“No,” I guess in the last few weeks I’d just mentioned we broke up a long time ago. He didn’t know any specifics. “We were fake-together because he hadn’t broken the news to his sister then. But that’s why I was all…y’know in Barcelona-“

“Fuck me,” he groans. “No wonder you thought I was an ass for pulling you away-“

“Well you were-“

“Yeah alright-“

“Why did you really pull me away though?”

“I…I was feeling a bit possessive.”

“What?”

I wasn’t expecting that to come out of his mouth. He smiles sheepishly, “I thought we already came to terms with that.”

My stomach does a few somersaults. Until tonight I don’t think I’ve really focused on the magnitude of how Harry felt back then. Parts of my mind were still remembering him as a prick just because it was easier to remember my side of things. But this spins things in a brighter light.

“I was just your assistant though.”

“Y/N,” he tilts his head to the side. “Did I not already tell you what I thought about you that night in my flat?”

“Yeah but-“

“I’d never met anyone like you, I really liked you. I couldn’t have you though and I had to push you away constantly. And that drove me a bit crazy sometimes.”

I let out a noisy breath, wondering if how he felt about me was just as intense now as it was then. A part of me knows it must be. Feelings like that didn’t fade. But here I was, barely knowing what it was I felt for him. All I knew was that it was nice when we were together.

Why me, I want to ask. But I hold back. It wasn’t a question I could ask my ex-employer current-lover part-time-asshole.

“Sorry,” he apologizes. “Was that a bit strong?”

“No,” I sigh again and he laughs. “Fine. A little. But it’s fine, I’m okay.”

“Okay,” he believes me. “So you broke off your engagement and didn’t tell anyone?”

“Kinda, we weren’t in a place we could come back from. We decided that mutually after things blew up. He didn’t even know I was leaving the country actually.”

Harry whistles. “You ran out on all of us.”

I scratch the side of my head, “Maybe?”

“Well I’ve enjoyed having you again, here.” He says with sincerity. “I’m really relieved to be able to get to say everything I wanted to your face.”

I agree. Neither of us mention I was leaving later in the week.

Even by the night before I’m leaving London we still hadn’t discussed a thing. But there’s a heaviness to us as we have dinner at his, as we pretend to watch a movie only to cuddle on the couch. We lay there facing each other and I trace his eyes, his nose, his wonderful mouth. It’s so odd to me that this was the same Harry Styles performing in sold out venues and on the walls of teenage bedrooms. That I got to have him in these quiet moments and be present.

I feel so grateful for this. That I didn’t have to carry around these draining stories within me anymore, that it felt like it happened to someone else. In a way even if nothing came from all this, I got closure. I was able to move on now.

I imagine my heart and it feels like when you take a stroll mid-March and realize nature was healing from winter’s blues. Warm and blooming the earth was growing again—my heart was growing stronger. Now the idea of a date or a partner didn’t seem so daunting and exhausting. I would never have guessed that it would take the man who almost broke me to come into my life again for me to see how to fit those pieces back in place again.

“I don’t know what I’m gonna do not having you in town anymore,” his lashes flutter as I run my hand through his hair. It was still shorter than I was used to but it had grown in the last three weeks.

“Oh you’ll be fine,” I say. “I’ve worked on your schedule before: meetings and studio sessions and photoshoots and interviews.”

“A busy life isn’t always a full one,” he whispers. And it’s the closest thing to a confession we were going to get to. I cover his mouth with mine and we indulge in each other one final time.

There is a symphony of unexpected but undeniable intimacy woven between the beats of our entwined hearts. I know I would probably never feel this way with anyone and I don’t think I’d want to. Being with Harry was passion. It was losing myself and finding myself at the same time. It was being vulnerable and guarded and cherished and known.

My flight out tomorrow is around noon but I can’t stay the night as I’d have to help Oretta in the morning to make sure everything gets to the airport in time. Harry walks me down to his lobby and we stand there for a few, just holding each other tight. He doesn’t ask me to stay and I don’t ask him to come.

“This isn’t goodbye y/n,” Harry says when we part. His hand rests on his heart. I know the feeling, mine aches so hard I want to press my hand to it just to tell it everything would be fine.

“No,” I shake my head. My eyes had been teary ever since he squeezed me to him. “We’ll talk soon.”

“You’ll be directing music videos soon.”

I roll my eyes, “I’m still working on the proposal.”

“I have a good feeling about it.”

“That makes one of us. But…thanks for believing in me.”

“Thanks for believing in me,” he whispers. “Even when you didn’t have to.”

I’m glad I did. The only time in my life not paying attention to the warning bells had paid off.

“I’ve been working with this new producer and he wants me to come out to a studio in Cotati?” Harry mentions. “How far is that from where you are? Are you still in m Burbank?”

“Burbank’s where my parents are,” I shake my head. I look up what he’s talking about and feel a thrill when it’s less than a couple hours. Still, I try to maintain neutrality. “A little over an hour?”

“Well,” he brushes my hair over my shoulder and keeps his eyes looking just over it. “Depending on what you’re doing—maybe if you’re free…we can see each other again?”

I would love that. My heart is bursting just thinking of getting to have him in the place I called home. Of this meaning something. Of him wanting to see me again.

“Of course if you have a boyfriend by then and he doesn’t want you to see me that’s…I mean, live your life and if it works out we-“

“Yes,” I cut him off. “Yeah. Let’s see but that sounds good.”

He meets my gaze and I laugh a little, he was nervous and that was rare.

“Good,” he smiles with. “Until next time.”

“Until next time,” I step into his arms and it’s a quick affair before he steps away. I turn to head out the door, shielding my eyes from him. Not wanting him to see that this was stupidly hard to say goodbye.

He waves me off and I head back to my hotel with a heavy heart. But I think about him asking to see me again. Who knows when that would be. And I know this wasn’t the end of our story.

***

I’m happy to land in SFO the following evening, happy to busy myself with Oretta’s business, happy to have Winnie chattering away. I spent parts of the flight I wasn’t sleeping working on my MV proposal and it awakens a familiar passion inside of me I’d been afraid I’d lost.

I send out a silent thanks to Harry for knowing what was good for me.

I think of Harry often, Gray even less until I don’t think of him at all. I dream of London weekly; I missed it this time around. And as life resumes again I anticipate the change I sense on the horizon.

So when life gives me lemons I stop asking Do I or Don’t I. If one thing the last year has taught me was I had to listen to my gut and look at the signs. I had to start asking what I wanted and go after it. Even though Harry and I barely talk, I remember the lessons he’s taught me.

I stop looking to others to make decisions. There’s no guidebook or lists to help me make my decisions either. I take deep breaths and I believe in myself.

I build a new life on the remains of my old. I don’t let it dictate what I did anymore, I simply leave it as the foundation to elevate me even higher. I reach for the sky with my feet planted firmly on the ground. And I grow with reckless abandon.

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TAGLIST: @boomitsallie1 @indierockgirrl @ndunad @jerseygirlinca @sunshinemoonsposts @ninasw0rld @love-letters-to-uranus @mayamonroem @sassamanda77 @harryspirate

🤍

Epilogue

[lesbicona]

why is season 6 of community your favourite /genq im just curious !! :]

the short answer is frankie

the long answer is: im very particular about endings, not in that i need them to have specific qualities (like sad or happy or epilogue-esque or what have you) but in that i need them to have narrative intent. we came close to living in a universe where basic story and basic sandwich closed community's story, and as much as i do genuinely like those episodes (mostly for comedy reasons), i only like them in the context of the full show we have now. i was not old enough to appreciate the show as it aired, but looking back i can see opinions at the time of the ending were divided. season 5 in general, honestly, seems close to season 4 in people's minds- in the post you're referencing where i expressed this opinion, season 5 received literally 0 votes. season 4 is controversial, but season 5 commits a worse sin- it's forgettable. (and i do like it, i really liked prof hickey which is truly a take on this webbed site, but this is my impression of the public opinion of it).

so in just existing, season 6 elevates my personal opinion of the show, but i mentioned public opinion in the paragraph prior because season 6 often gets lumped in with 4 and 5 as 'bad'. now while i have my own set of takes about even just season 4 (really guys, it's fine, it's just an ok season of tv in an excellent show, but it's not BAD) i will try very hard not to get into here, it is an objective divide between the widely acclaimed seasons 1 through 3 and the more controversial rest. my opinions of season 6 are very influenced by this, because it's like my little meow meow i must protect from the haters.

i feel season 6 closes up the themes of community, as evolved and changed as they are, in a satisfying way, and gives the characters themselves a logical narrative end. i especially enjoyed the themes of growing up continued from season 5, which are very pressing in a show about college. of course i realize this is a silly sitcom we're talking about, so i'm not saying that it put forward anything groundbreakingly subtle or even new, but any long-running show (especially one which could not keep the entirety of its main cast) that can wrap up so satisfyingly deserves praise.

and yet, because of the season 4 hurdle, which leaves many people with a bad taste in their mouth for the rest of the entire show, it is not as acclaimed as i think it deserves to be. i don't think people realize how much the show was probably going to change in season 4 even without dan harmon's departure. the idealized season 4 in people's minds seems to be season 3 part 2, which could not have happened for a successful season of television. seasons 1 through 3 are all already very different from each other despite being clumped together. yet people despise every single change to the show from season 4 onward indiscriminately. so of course season 6, with its many, many changes, is so far from season 3 that people blinded by the latter's glory cannot even see the former.

but most if not all of the changes season 6 brings are purely beneficial in my perspective. frankie and elroy are excellent additions to the cast; they are great comedic forces, with a strong role in relation to the others. they both play the almost-straight man jeff used to be, normal in reaction to most of the shenanigans of the original cast while bringing in their own insanity. they also represent the aging of the show. by bringing them in instead of, for example, freshmen students, the new, more grown perspective of the show is reinstated. the bits of their lives outside the committee that we get to see are interesting, funny, and bring them depth.

of course in particular im fond of frankie, who's normal to the point of pathology, whose line deliveries have a 90% chance of obliterating me on the spot, and who is just like me fr fr (a lesbian). she does not budge in her responsibilities, leading to her fluctuating role in the eyes of the cast, antagonist in some episodes and co-lead in others. her presence adds something new for each character to compare themselves to, for the better. in particular, annie, jeff and the dean are all improved because of her.

britta also receives some focus she hadn't since a few seasons past, and while i do not agree with the narrative framing of all of it (as clearly the show itself does not side with her in disliking her parents, as much as she, as a character, has proper reason to), the contents are extremely enjoyable to me. getting a chance to analyze the wannabe-therapist's relationship with her parents is perfectly ironic just as a concept.

season 6 offers some of my favorite comedy of the whole show. while my favorite line forever remains "i need help reacting to this" (which i saw you also enjoy <3), i was in tears of laughter at the end of a majority of season 6 episodes on my first watch. elroy's addiction to encouraging white people is absolutely unforgettable.

sorry for the Whole Fucking Essay! the medium answer, which you unlocked by reading the long answer, is: though perhaps not the objective best community has to offer, i love season 6 twice as fiercely to protect it from its undeserving haters. stan frankie, bring me 6 cans of olives, goodbye.

[magstorrn]

rating the artilleryman actors from jeff wayne’s musical version of the war of the worlds*

*from the perspective of someone who’s never seen the show live but, in my defence, has sought out just about every illegally filmed snippet on youtube and I've seen both official recordings many times. some of these are based on a single recording tho so take my words w/ a grain of salt. im also not going to get everyone because for a number of the actors there’s not enough evidence to go off

david essex

summary: the man the myth the legend. there are only a couple photos of him during recording sessions but he was clearly having the time of his life, and his hoarse voice and cockney accent bring an edge to the character that’s often absent (also means his own background is closest to that of the character). obviously they didn’t kick start the stage show until about 30 years after he recorded for the role but sometimes i daydream about an actual theatre production of twotw in the 70s bc holy shit, he was already doing evita when he recorded for twotw and had starred in godspell by this time and he wouldve been absolutely magnificent. 

he’s also like the only actor im aware of that properly belts the ‘it’s going to have to start’ line and it just. sounds so good. he’s also the only artilleryman actor that imo sounds good in act 1 and like someone who’s genuinely witnessed a traumatic event and is still reeling in shock. he brings this kind of manic earnest with him in brave new world and it enhances the song 100% bc he’s so completely convinced things will work out

iconic moment: the way he yells ‘just’ after the whispered section in the middle of brave new world. chef’s kiss

rating: 10/10 im biased as all hell

alexis james

summary: the true mystery of this man is that he looks so old and so young at the same time (put it down to the incredibly fake weird sideburns and the receding hairline) and that he didn’t seem to do any more work in this vein post-2006. deserves credit for being the first stage show actor in the role, running around for 12 minutes straight pretending to use a massive pencil compass and digging at the stage, and for pulling things off pretty damn well. the almost surgical slit at the knee of his pants irritates me and im glad they didnt do it again

iconic moment: singing the entirety of brave new world with a pseudo american accent for no reason at all. im 99% sure he’s english

rating: 7/10

jason donovan

summary: the day that jason moved from the artilleryman role to the parson role was the finest day of his life as well as mine. he’s absolutely outstanding as nathaniel but tbh i think in the artilleryman role he’s just... bad (and doesnt have NEARLY enough fake blood everywhere). a lot of the lines sound like theyre cut short or like he can’t quite hit the note he’s aiming for, and there’s times when he just sounds completely off, or barks his lines for no reason. like alexis james he was part of the pre-new gen era so he has like two props and he has to pretend to use these for over ten minutes and i salute him for that. speaking of salutes i love how he randomly embellishes some of his lines with a salute

iconic moment: *high pitched australian accent* iT’S You. the MAn from mayBury HILL

rating: 4/10

ricky wilson

summary: ricky wilson was the first artilleryman for the new gen era which was iconic enough in itself, but then he also gave us the black eye, goggles, waxed moustache, the glass of water trick, rolled up sleeves, and so much more. also the tragic victim of the bottle of whiskey line, but he salvages it by just swigging from the bottle right then and there. act 1 RW kinda has the vibe of a man who’s just unexpectedly watched his football team of preference lose badly rather than witnessed a massacre, but by act 2 he sounds like he just came up with a plan to save civilisation at 3am while blind drunk and he’s going to tell you about it whether you like it or not. also pioneered the trend of stripping his coat at the start of the song. he definitely sounds better in the visual recording than on the album as he barely sounds like himself on the latter (why is he like the only actor from the stage show that’s also on the album?? ill always wonder). even then though he seems very jittery and nervous and like he’s trying to overcompensate by being super energetic and the way he basically screams all his lines gets annoying after long enough

that said his swagger and confidence are completely unbeatable and while i wouldnt trust him as far as i can throw him, he deserves a spot in the artilleryman hall of fame, although im still unsure to this day whether he’s using the spade correctly

iconic moment: *hip thrust* WALLOP

rating: 9/10

shayne ward

summary: again this is based on like a single recording but he can SING and i wish he showed off more than he does. he also sounds properly panicky/shaky in the first act which i always appreciate since he’s been Through It and a lot of performances don’t get that across. he’s giving it his all/aiming to give the best performance he can and it shows! he also has a ton of bruises/so much fake blood everywhere and his shirt’s in tatters and it’s great. the high notes sound fantastic also

iconic moment: stripping off the coat about ten minutes before any other artilleryman actor im aware of, and yeeting it off the stage

rating: 8/10

adam garcia

summary: i would say that bc he’s australian i have no choice but to stan but ive already been rly mean to jason donovan so that doesnt stand up anymore. anyway i basically regard adam garcia as the spiritual successor to david essex - similar sound, similar vibes, similar musical theatre background, similar genuine earnest with that edge of manic desperation and oncoming insanity. his facial expressions and gestures and pure enthusiasm throughout BNW are my favourite thing, and he maintains more of a long-sleeved pirate vibe as opposed to the ricky wilson rolled up sleeve vibe. unlike ricky wilson i also think he might’ve actually used a spade before

he also does so so much running around, and has more props than ever - the chair, the blackboard, the goggles, the gun, the spade, but at least he’s kept busy for the long instrumental sections, although i think it’s awful he gets cut off at the end of his song by life begins again while he just like, keeps digging? his singing is rly consistent and really quality, although i think he unfortunately sounds pretty bad in act 1. the whole losing his mind thing in act 2 salvages it tho

iconic moment: *obvious david essex impression* holidees 

rating: 9/10

honourable mentions to daniel bedingfield (can’t find a recording anywhere), michael falzon (i can’t find a full recording of him), and taron egerton (doesnt get to sing in the audio drama but his character is clearly gay)

[everybodylovesrand]

Raje Judkins answered some questions about the show. Filming spoilers for the show below:

Q: What part of the books should you be caught up on for the first season?

A: Depends on if you like to read something before you watch it or not.

Q: What are you finding most challenging about going from book to screen? A: The hardest thing is the physicality of production. In the first book alone they go to more than 20 villages and cities. To try to do that is physically impossible for the show, so most of the work we don in the room is geographical, figuring how to condense the story and move it through places we can physically create.

Q: Do you have a favorite chapter from the whole saga? Mine is Veins of Gold. A: So many. But Honey in the Tea is the one off the top of my head.

Q: We can’t wait to see Elayne, Aviendha and Min

A: Me either. Three of my favorites.

Q: Has any post-production work begun or does that not start until filming is completed?

A: Nope! We do it simultaneously. Before the corona hit, I was prepping 2 episodes, shooting 2 episodes, in post on 4 episodes and writing Season 2 simultaneously :-0

Q: Will there be a soundtrack? Who’s the composer? A: Of course! David Buckley. Plus a few incredible musical guests we’ve already had.

Q: Are Min/Elayne in season 1? A: The Wheel weaves as the wheel wills

Q: Are you going to merge Min and Elayne? A: Hell no

Q: First moment you were speechless on set? A: First time walking into Emond’s Field with my mom

Q: Is mat fluent in the old tongue yet? A: We’ve had a couple cast members speak in it already and they NAILED IT

Q: Which character has your favorite costume so far? A: Ooo this is tough. Probably Geofram Bornhald.

Q: How is the cast and crew weathering the pandemic? A: Our team in Prague did an amazing job of getting everyone out and keeping them safe. And now everyone’s home and we all live on Instagram.

Q: Who is your favorite Forsaken? A: Ahhh. I love the ladies. Graendal, Lanfear, Moghedien. And Ishamael holds a special place in my heart the more time I spend with him

Q: What’s been your favourite shooting location so far? A: Slovenia! Spectacular stuff there

Q: Yes or no. Have you had to make any cuts be it a scene or character, that has been painful for you? A: Yes.

Q: How are you planning to handle the visualization of the weaves? Any little tidbits? A: We are trying to stay as true to the books as possible. I’ve been giving a bunch of VFX folks long diatribes about channeling, weaves, threads, earth vs. air, etc and they early stuff has started coming in. It looks FUCKING AWESOME. I screamed when Rosamund started channeling

Q: Similar to Them performing in an old Inn, what other iconic moment filmed stands out to u? A: Rand and Tam walking through the Westwood

Q: Blink twice if Min is in season 1. A: 😉😉

Q: Will Jeff Probst be one of the Aiel? Can you make some calls? A: If he dyes his hair red 😉

Q: Which WOT book title best describes your self isolation experience? A: A Memory of Light…

Q: Can we expect a trailer for the show anytime soon? A: Probably not for a long while sadly.

Q: Can you guys do a big WoT Wed announcement during the hiatus to keep all us fans hyped instead of al A: Yea! It would cheer us all up and we have some fun news

Q: Is Lan going to be as much or an absolute stud in the show as he is in the books? A: You’ve seen @danielhenney right?

Q: If you were an Aes Sedai, what Ajah would you choose? A: Such a good question. They all have merits but GREEN for the win. If only to hang with @priyankabose20

Q: Will we have to wait till season 2 to see any Aiel? (Other than Rand)

A: Nope. And the one you see will shock you. Hah. Amazon shouldn’t let me be on here when I’ve been cooped up for a week.

Q: RJ writes a lot of internal headspace stuff. What’s 1 hint on how the show will handle that? A: That’s the biggest difficulty of any novel adaptation. Figuring out how to make the internal monologue come out clearly to the audience. A lot of the changes we make and stories we tell differently are designed to serve exactly that purpose – showing you what those characters internal monologues from the book are without them just saying it out loud in exposition

Q: Are you using taller actors to portray the Aiel, or camera trickery? A: Trying to get tall folks. But I’m less concerned with height and more concerned with acting ability.

Q: Since JordanCon was cancelled, can we maybe get an extra treat next month? A: Sure! What do you want?

Q: Do you have a favorite Wise One? A: Avi

Q: How many trollocs do I have to take out to become a writing assistant? A: Violence is never the answer

Q: What would you say the CGI to practical ratio is going to be? A: Tring to do as much in camera as we possibly can!

Q: How are you handling sword forms and their names? A: We have a for real sword master on the show who walks into every room and tests out everything as a weapon. He could most definitely kill me with any item in my office.

Q: How are the horses on set? Is Mandarb spectacular? A: They are so great. Honestly I love our horses. Mandarb and Aldieb are downright sexy

Q: When will we get more casting announcements to hold us over? A: I’ll try to get them to put out something soon. A lot of folks in all departments are affected by the state of the world right now though, so I can’t promise a timeline

Q: will we see the prologue from the Eye of the World on screen in season 1 A: You will hear that phrase

Q: What has been your favorite set so far? A: Fal Dara!

Q: Please tell me you’ve cut Narg!! A: Never!!

Q To what extent has Harriet McDougal been involved with the project? A: She’s a consulting producer so she’s been out to Prague to the sets and reads all the scripts and sends me her notes on them. She and Maria are hugely helpful for maintaining the truth of the series and always keep me honest when it comes to things that change too much

Q: Is any aspect of the show still in development, or has it all stalled because of the virus? A: A lot can be done virtually! I’m still doing VFX, editing and the Season Two Virtual Writers Room! And I can do it all in pajamas

Q: Will min, elayne, and avienda have to be combined into a single character?

A: Girl you crazy. I’m not going to combine huge characters like that. Maybe sometimes a minor character folded into a more major one to make better use of our cast but nothing nutso

Q: RJ created 1000’s of character. Given that did you feel the need to create new characters? A: Anyone “new” is inspired by characters in the books or a number of characters combined. If we paid to cast all speaking roles in the book we could only afford to have a radio play

Q: So far, what is your favorite prop in the show? A: Great Serpent Ring. We all want one.

Q: Will Loial portray the Ogier species, or will he be humanised for screen? A: He’s an Ogier!

Q: How involved, if involved at all, is Sanderson in the writers room? A: Brandon is hugely helpful. I talked to him before we started Season Two while he was in Prague to get advice and he reads all the scripts and gives notes. He’s incredibly thoughtful and understands the process of adaptation and what’s required from it. I feel so lucky to have him involved. I would have him do more if I could make him!

Q: What words of hope would you offer a fan afraid that the show will cut out a lot of content? A: I genuinely think we are cutting less than most people think. When I see people ask questions like “are you cutting Min?” It blows my mind. I don’t know how you do an adaptation without some of these characters. I think it’ll be more of the smaller stories you’ll miss. We can’t have Rand and May (sic) travel to many many inns on their travels across the countryside for instance. It’s just not producible. So that will be more of what you miss I think, and the books always exist to read for that 🙂

Q: I think Bella is such an important character, will the same horse play bella through the series A: We’ve already had to have two Belas. It turns out a horse for riding on film is not the same as a horse for pulling a cart and SHE MUST DO BOTH

Q: Can you please make sure you do a great job? Book are so great A: This is are a really good idea

Q: Now you’ve met them, settle the score: who’s better with women? Rand, Mat or Perrin? A: I think they’d all say it’s the other

Q: Will the show be understandable for those who didn’t read the books? A: That’s the idea. If there are little things they don’t get though, luckily google exists

Q: Who is your favorite Aes Sedai in the books? And you can’t say Moiraine/Siuan or the Wonder Girls A: So many rules. I honestly love all of them though (except Galina that bitch) Alanna Liandrin and Verin are probably my Top 3. And Siuan! There’s too many I love. Sheriam! Pevara!

https://www.wotseries.com/2020/03/22/show-runner-rafe-judkins-does-an-ama-on-instagram/

[hedwigstalons]

High Expectations - Ch14

Ok, I really threw myself down a chasm of angst over the last few chapters.  That, plus dealing with family stuff, absolutely killed my creativity with this.  Thankfully after slotting in some one-shots for variety I got back on it and now, maybe a little later than I would have hoped, the next chapter is ready for you.

The wonderful @willow-salix helped haul me out of the angst chasm and yet again put up with my wobbles.

Earlier parts: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen

AO3 chapter link 

Chapter Fourteen

Jeff entered the apartment to find all three of his resident sons sprawled on the couch, Alan snoring gently against Scott’s side while the older two talked in low voices.  The two who were still awake fell silent as he entered, twin stares turning on him at the intrusion.  The animosity directed towards him was perhaps well deserved he reflected, his actions maybe hadn’t been worthy of the respect he had always insisted upon.

“Evening Scott, Gordon.”  He raised an eyebrow at the scene; it was late and Alan should have been in his own bed not drooling into a blanket.  A look of disapproval was clearly evident in Jeff’s features and Scott was keen to deflect it away from his brothers.

“He didn’t want to go to bed and I didn’t have the heart to make him.  He’s been out of it for a while though, as soon as Gordon gave him the blanket he was gone.”   With Scott home and Gordon not shutting himself away in his room Alan had been reluctant to head off to bed.  It was clear that the youngest sibling had been lonely as he clung to the human contact.

“I didn’t realise that still worked.”  Jeff found himself caught in a flashback to a much younger Alan being swaddled in the same blanket at the farmhouse to make him sleep.

“Yeah, well, he used to try and stay up and wait for you to get home after we moved here.  If it got too late I’d get the blanket out then carry him to his room once he crashed.  He’s lighter than what Coach had me lifting.”

So that was how Gordon had known it would work Scott mused.  As soon as the clock had ticked past Alan’s bed time and the teenager had shown no signs of moving without a fight Gordon had dug out the old fleece blanket to ‘help him get comfy’ and within minutes the snoring had started.  Gordon had even had the foresight to make Alan put on his pyjamas and clean his teeth before the trio had settled in on the couch.  He wondered just how many nights that small blonde form had tried to wait up in the hope of seeing their father only for the man not to appear until long after bed time.

 “How come you’re so late back.  Is everything ok?”

“This isn’t late” Gordon butted in, “it’s pretty normal for Dad.”

“Dad?”

“The business needs me.”

“But it’s nearly 11 o’clock.”

“You boys were ok though.  You could have called me if I was needed.”

“Would you have answered?  Like you said, it’s late, I’d better get him off to bed.”  Scott sensed more tales untold in Gordon’s weary response.

With Scott still pinned under his sleeping sibling Gordon completed the last stage of the maneuver he was evidently well practiced at.  Despite his lack of recent exercise he was still able to easily slide his arms under and carry the youngest Tracy off to his own bed.

With that settled Scott turned to his father.

“So you’re never back for bedtime?”

“I get here when I can”

“And how often is that?”

No response.  To Scott the silence was more telling than any answer.  So that was how it had worked; Jeff would stay out at the office until goodness knows when and Gordon would take responsibility for ensuring Alan was fed and in bed at a reasonable time.  It was horribly similar to his own teenage years except he had always had Virgil at his side; Gordon had taken on that role from a younger age, in an unfamiliar city, without sibling support and all while keeping up with his swimming training.  No wonder he could display a maturity far beyond his years when needed, the last four years had been a trial that Gordon must have excelled at seeing as none of them had realised what was happening.  

“After all this and you still call Gordon a kid; are you really that blind?  He’s more mature than you give him credit for.  Looks to me like Gordon has been more of a Dad to Alan over these last four years than you have and you weren’t much of a parent before that; it was sink or swim for Virg and I and it looks like you’ve done exactly the same to Gordon.  It’s just as well he is such a good swimmer, isn’t it.”

Scott’s berations, carried out in hissed undertones, were cut off by the return of Gordon.

“He didn’t even stir” Gordon reassured them as he re-entered the room, “and now I ought to head off too.  Goodnight Dad.  Goodnight Scott.”  Gordon had been enjoying catching up with his brother but the return of their father had soured his mood and now he just wanted to escape.  It was also impossible to miss the daggers in the looks Scott was giving their father and he had no energy to deal with another argument.

“Gordon, wait.” Accompanied by an audible sigh and eyeroll Gordon paused and turned at the direct request, hoping whatever it was would be over swiftly.  “Before you go off to bed I just wanted to let you know that I’ve been in touch with my lawyers.  I’m going to get those text books changed; just because something is factually accurate that doesn’t make it right.  And Gordon, no more keeping secrets from me.  If I had known I would have got involved sooner”

Gordon nodded his acknowledgement but couldn’t go quite as far as voicing thanks, after all the books weren’t changed yet.  His father was also still conveniently ignoring that it hadn’t been a secret at the time, he had just refused to listen to Gordon.

After Gordon had escaped back to his own sanctuary Scott rounded on their father.

“No more keeping secrets; that’s rich coming from you.  So does this mean you’re going to tell them your grand plan.”

“Not now Scott, I’m tired and it’s been a long day.”

“Yeah, well it’s been a long day for Gordon too.  You’ve got no idea what goes on here, do you.  He deserves to know.”

“He’s just a child.”

“There you go again, he is NOT a child and hasn’t been for a long time.  You need to wake up and start seeing him for who he is, both of them.  You’re just lucky Alan still worships you but when Gordon gets in to WASP…”

“IF he gets in.”

“WHEN, because trust me I will do my damned best to help him get there.  When Gordon gets into WASP just who do you think will be there for Alan?  There won’t be anyone left to make excuses or cover for you.  Unless you step up and start being an active parent you are going to lose Alan just like you are losing Gordon.  Now if you will excuse me it’s late and I promised I would take Alan to school in the morning.”

Scott spun on his heels and strode out the room leaving a stunned Jeff in his wake.  The older man stood there for a moment before heading to the cupboard and pulling out a bottle of single malt.  The measure he poured was rather larger than usual in deference to the trying day he had had.

Retreating to his favourite armchair in the now deserted lounge, scotch in hand, Jeff reflected on the events of the day.  Dealing with lawyers always gave him a headache even if he was the one who had initiated contact.  The Department of Education had tried to give him a similar brush off to Gordon but Jeff hadn’t got where he was in life by giving up at the first hurdle.  To find out that Lucille’s death was read out in classrooms up and down the state had been a shock.  That moment was private, a personal tragedy, not something to be critiqued in the story of his meteoric rise to fame.

Lucille.

What on earth would she make of all this?  He had always told himself that he was doing what was best for their children,  but was he, really?  Virgil and John seemed to be doing okay and he’d never had any concerns about Scott.  Well, until now that is.  The son he had earmarked as his Field Commander seemed to be pulling away from him, no longer willing to follow his direction.

And what about the youngest two?  He realised with sadness that he barely knew Alan.  He knew Alan was doing well at school, he would soon have picked up on it if his grades slipped, but he didn’t know his son’s likes and dislikes.  The fact he attended senior science club wasn’t much of a surprise, all of his sons except Gordon seemed to have a flair for the sciences, but if you had asked him where Alan went on a Wednesday he wouldn’t have known the answer.  Had this needed another permission form that Gordon dealt with?

Which left Gordon.   The son who had a world record to his name but hadn’t been to the pool in weeks.  The son who could have been offered a commission in WASP but was instead flicking through the prospectuses of third rate universities.  If ever there was a damning indictment of his parenting skills it was Gordon.

The first glass had been drained in an instant and he poured a second measure.  Jeff swirled the amber liquid around the tumbler, watching how it caught the light from the lamps and seemed to glow.

Gordon.

He tried to think back to that first move to the city.  With both Virgil and John packed off to university it just left him and the little ones, except Gordon was now no longer the little boy, barely a teenager, who had been transplanted from the wheat fields.  Somewhere along the line the little boy had grown up.  The little boy had been forced to grow up because he had been so used to his sons working as a self-reliant unit that he hadn’t thought to step in again as the older ones moved away.  And now, four years down the line, Gordon was on the brink of adulthood and he hadn’t even realised.  Seventeen but carrying responsibilities way beyond his years. 

Jeff thought back to himself at seventeen with his future all mapped out in his head.  Yale and the Air Force were calculated stepping stones to enable him to complete astronaut training; a dream he had committed himself to despite his father’s wishes.  Oh yes there had been arguments there, blazing rows in the farmhouse kitchen with the father that wanted him to take on the family farm.  His fledgling relationship with Lucille had been a godsend in that tempestuous period and had provided him with a bolt hole when it all got too much trying to defend his choices.   

Yet here he was seemingly treating Gordon in the same way he had resented all those years ago, the only difference being he was forcing his son towards university instead of agriculture.  Would it really be so bad if Gordon skipped out on tertiary education?  He’d only gone to university himself because it was a requirement of the World Space Agency rather than because he had any particular fondness for further study.  Gordon had picked a career, a solid career, that didn’t require a university education and he was denying his son that freedom of expression due to his own skewed ideals.  He didn’t even know if Gordon had a girlfriend to comfort and counsel him through these trying times; probably not, where would he have found the time around caring for Alan?

Maybe Scott was right.  Maybe he had seriously underestimated his fourth son.  It was time to look beyond the mediocre grades and instead start seeing the child, no, the young man he corrected himself, who showed such devotion to his family that he had tried to single-handedly take on the Department of Education because he knew in his core it was the right thing to do.  

Doing the right thing.  Such lofty ideals were part of the reason why he hadn’t noticed what was going on under his own roof, he’d been so absorbed in the project that was to be Lucille’s legacy.  Yet seemingly the son he had most overlooked was the embodiment of what he was trying to achieve; compassion mixed with determination.  Gordon’s Olympic win definitely showed the determination, you don’t become a champion without focus, drive and a dedication to hard work.  Maybe WASP was the right place for Gordon.  The aquanaut service would keep him physically stimulated and Gordon seemingly possessed a mature and caring side that would be suited to the peacekeeping ethos of the organisation.  The world needed aquanauts.  

Possibilities began to flow and spark in Jeff’s head.  His organisation, his dream, needed pilots, engineers and astronauts, perhaps his dream also needed an aquanaut.  Most of the planet was covered in the oceans and it was a gaping hole in the capabilities of the outfit he had planned not to be able to undertake aquatic rescues.  In the same way he had seen the possibilities in the paths the eldest three had chosen perhaps WASP could provide the training foundations for Gordon.  If Gordon were to enrol in WASP then by the time the rescue business was ready to commence operations his fourth son could be a fully qualified submarine pilot ready to join the ranks among his elder brothers.  Adding the skills of an aquanaut would allow him to help save many more families but in order for that to happen first he needed to fix his own and repair the gaping chasm between him and the son he had wronged.  

By the time Jeff made it to his own bed that night the level in the scotch bottle was considerably lower and his lofty visions considerably higher. 

xoxoxox

The apartment was bustling the next morning.  Alan was moaning about having to go to school while first Gordon and then Scott chivvied him out of bed and made sure he had all his books for the day.  It was a similar scene to that which had played out the day before although Jeff hadn’t been there to witness it having left early for the office as usual.

“Do I really have to go in?”

“Yes, you do.  Dad would ground you for a month if he found you skipped school.”  Gordon was stern and unmovable.

“But Scott…”  The pleading was switched from one big brother to the other

“We went through all this yesterday Alan”  there was an exasperation in Scott’s voice that could only be dragged out by a young teenager, “I’ll be here until at least Monday so we’ll have all weekend together.  You are not missing class just because I’m here.”

“But you will be there after school, won’t you?”

“Yes, just like we were yesterday.  Now will you please just eat some breakfast, we have to leave soon and I don’t want you going to school on an empty stomach.”

Jeff stepped into the doorway and the three sons around the counter froze at the unexpected movement.  

“Alan, eat your breakfast.  Your brothers are right, you need to get moving.”

The peanut butter bagel Alan had been nursing started to be gulped down at an indigestion inducting rate.  All moaning, in fact all conversation in its entirety, stopped in favour of heading out the door as swiftly as possible rather than incur the wrath of Jeff.  For him to be at home on a week day was out of the ordinary and the boys were not inclined to stick around to find out why.  Within minutes he was left in an empty apartment after giving the eldest two a stern instruction to come straight home once Alan was in school.  

Savouring the silence Jeff made himself a large coffee and awaited the return of Scott and Gordon.  The caffeine injection was definitely needed, he had been up until the small hours with thoughts chasing round his head and when he did finally drift off his sleep had been troubled.  Thankfully his diary for the day had been mercifully scant, the few appointments easy to rearrange.  Jeff was not a man to shy away from problems but it had been a shock to realise that the biggest problems were under his own roof and of his own making.

He had barely finished the cup when Scott and Gordon returned and joined him in the lounge.  Neutral territory.

“Boys, we have a lot to discuss.”

“We do?” the skepticism radiated off of Scott.  Talks with their father were generally too one-way to be considered a discussion.

“We do.  But please, hear me out first.”  

Gordon and Scott perched side by side on the couch, presenting a united front.  Their expressions were stony, clearly expecting another example of their father laying down the law.  Jeff took a deep breath.  He’d always had an unshakable self-confidence; when facing the cruel realities of space or facing down a boardroom that self-confidence had carried him home safe and seen him through difficult situations.  Now his faith in his own abilities, his abilities as a father, had been shaken.  The silence in the room seemed to create a vacuum, a void that needed filling.

“I...I’ve not been around as much as I probably should have.  Initially, when your mother first died, I threw myself into my work.  I had to work hard to keep the family together, keep a roof over our heads and food on the table.  The business was young then and times were tough.  I don’t have that excuse now.”

Their current situation was a far cry from the early days of borrowing money and hoping the risks paid off.  Looking back he should have realised he wasn’t the only one making sacrifices but grief and the scotch had clouded his judgement.  As time wore on his use of a liquid crutch had lessened but he had still buried himself in his work, still relied on his sons to hold the fort and keep the home fires burning.  But worst of all he hadn’t even realised they were doing it.  He had forced his sons to grow up quickly, he shouldn’t have been surprised when they started to spread their wings and go their own ways.

“No, you don’t.”  Scott wasn’t going to make this easy.  All he’d heard so far was thinly veiled justification for neglecting them all, neglect that had carried on long after the debts were repaid.

Jeff steeled himself for words he’s never thought he would have to say.  “I’m sorry.  I should have been there.”  He received a half-nod from Scott but Gordon wouldn’t even meet his eye, his own mistreatment still too raw and fresh for him to accept the apology.  Jeff plunged on.  “So Gordon, tell me about WASP.”

Gordon’s head snapped up.  “What do you want to know?”  The voice held an undertone of venom and suspicion.

“For a start I’d like to know why you want to join up.”

“Does it matter what I want?”

“Believe it or not, it does.  Please Gordon.”

“I’m not cut out for college, you must be able to see that.”  

“You’d be fine if you’d only put your mind to it.”  

A glare from Scott prevented him from commenting further and Jeff had to bite his tongue to remind himself that this wasn’t just about him any more.  He’d resolved to give Gordon his chance to explain.  

A reassuring hand on Gordon’s shoulder from Scott gave the younger sibling the confidence to speak out.  Soon the words he had been bottling up tumbled out and Jeff witnessed an enthusiasm that had long been absent.  Gordon had had plenty of opportunity to think on what he had been ripped away from since being dragged out of selection.  Jeff sat there and watched as Gordon spoke with passion about teamwork, new skills, that chance to be active, to help people and to protect the environment. 

Jeff waited patiently until the words dried up, pausing to let it all sink in before responding.  Everything his son had said, particularly the desire to help people, resonated strongly with what he himself wanted to achieve.  Everything he heard cemented the decision he had made the previous night to allow Gordon to join WASP with a long term goal of his son becoming a rescue operative.

The two sons watched him from the couch, awaiting his pronouncement like prisoners awaiting sentencing.  It pained him to see the mix of hope and fear tinged with an edge of resentment that graced Gordon’s features; he really had made a mess of things but it was time to start making amends and putting things right.

“Okay Gordon, I’ll support you in joining WASP as I should have done from the outset.  I ask one thing though, that in the meantime you work with me to gain your pilot’s licence.  Your older brothers could all fly by your age and there is a good chance you will need those skills before much longer.”  Jeff met Scott’s eye and gave a half nod, an acknowledgement of his son’s request for no more secrets.  “You see Gordon, I’m looking at moving soon and for very good reason…”

[alwaysmarilynmonroe]

When most people hear the name, “Veronica Lake” usually one of three things comes to mind – that incredible peek-a-boo hair, the Film Noir’s with Alan Ladd or possibly Kim Basigner playing a Miss Lake lookalike in L.A. Confidential (1997) – fun fact, she won the Best Supporting Actress Oscar for that role. Although, with Veronica’s heyday being well over half a century old, that’s sadly usually as far as it goes.

However, with the Classic Hollywood Era being hugely timeless and forever coming back into fashion, the genre is becoming less of a niché subject and more Stars are on the public radar. If you’re a long time Vintage Lover like myself, you’ll be aware that unfortunately, a lot of our favourites don’t have many books written about them, or if they do, they’ve been out of print for a number of years and can be hard to find, or very expensive. Therefore, when I came across the news that Dean Street Press were publishing a reprint of Veronica’s Autobiography, which was first released in 1969, I was absolutely ecstatic! As most who know me are probably aware of my love for Blonde Bombshells, it may not be as well known that Veronica is my other favourite, after Marilyn.

There have only been two books published on Veronica, which I must add, astounds me – and one of them is this one which was co-written by ghost writer Donald Bain, who sadly passed away in October of 2017. The other is by Jeff Lenburg and I am fortunate enough to have both. However, Lenburg’s book is fairly controversial as he takes a lot of his information from Veronica’s mother, who claims a lot of detrimental things about her daughter – yet was estranged from her for many, many years. I think it’s actually being reprinted this summer and I will read it again, but would definitely advise new fans to stick to Veronica’s own words.

The republished version of Veronica’s Autobiography features a new cover with a stunning publicity photo of her in Ramrod (1947) which was directed by her then Husband, André de Toth. The book is a shiny paperback, with a non crease format, so even when you’ve finished reading, it will be in great condition and can take pride of place on your bookshelf! At 215 pages and 27 chapters, it’s not a huge length, but definitely a substantial read and full of personal anecdotes from the Golden Age of Hollywood.

Broadcaster and writer, Eddie Muller adds a new Introduction and his following words really stuck with me, their relevancy still to this day does not go unnoticed,

“I’ll point out instead that while the public has granted Sterling Hayden, a legendary boozer and hash-head, a legacy as a heroic, larger-than-life iconoclast, it has branded Lake’s life after Hollywood a steady downward spiral of abasement, worthy of only pity. Blame a cultural double standard that applauds reckless rebellion in men but shames it in women.”

As the chapters do not have titles, I’ve decided to write down a snippet of information which sums up the pivotal points and various timelines in each section.

______________________________________________________________________________

Chapter 1:

– Starts in 1938 and traces Veronica’s move to Hollywood with her mother, step-father and cousin on the 4th of July. Veronica enrolls in the Bliss Hayden School of Acting and has her first role in a movie as an extra in RKO’s Sorority House (1939).

Chapter 2:

– Veronica’s signature peek-a-boo hairstyle is unintentionally created on the set of Forty Little Mothers (1940) by Director, Busby Berkeley who stated, “I still say let it fall. It distinguishes her from the rest”.

Chapter 3:

– Director, Freddie Wilcox sets up Veronica’s first Screen Test, whilst at home her step-father suffers a collapsed lung.

Chapter 4:

– Veronica joins the iconic William Morris Agency and recounts her knowledge of the infamous Hollywood Casting Couch and how she turned away from the many advances.

Chapter 5:

– Veronica meets her first husband, John Detlie and has her named changed by Producer, Arthur Hornblow Jr., who, after a second Screen Test, decides to cast her as Sally Vaughn in her breakout movie, I Wanted Wings (1941).

Chapter 6:

– Focuses on the location filming of I Wanted Wings (1941) from August 26th 1940 in San Antonio, Texas.

Chapter 7:

– Continues filming in Hollywood for I Wanted Wings (1941) and elopes to marry her first husband, John Detlie.

Chapter 8:

– Veronica discusses the first 8 years of her childhood and her move to Florida in her teen years and the two schools she attended in Montreal and Miami.

Chapter 9:

– Recounts various appearances in Miami Beauty Pageants as a teenager.

Chapter 10:

– Returns to 1941 with the release of I Wanted Wings (1941) and focuses on the worldwide phenomenon of the famous hair. Also finishes with Director Preston Sturges hiring Veronica for the role of The Girl in Sullivan’s Travels (1941).

Chapter 11:

Veronica shares the news of her first pregnancy with her mother and how her third trimester would coincide with the physical demands of filming Sullivan’s Travels (1941).

Chapter 12:

– Covers the filming of Sullivan’s Travels (1941) from May 12th 1941 and the revelation of Veronica’s pregnancy. It’s simply incredible when watching the film all these years later to come to the realization that she was between six to eight months pregnant!

Chapter 13: – The filming of This Gun For Hire (1942) and The Glass Key (1942).

Chapter 14:

– The filming of I Married A Witch (1942), So Proudly We Hail! (1943) and The Hour Before The Dawn (1944). Veronica also discusses the deterioration of her marriage and the tragic loss of her second baby, Anthony, who died a week after being born two months prematurely.

Chapter 15:

– Veronica divorces John and retells various anecdotes of the Hollywood Lifestyle in it’s heyday in the 1940s.

Chapter 16:

– Veronica discusses the filming of Star Spangled Rhythm (1942) and also her dating history during this period. She shares some fascinating stories of various celebrity anecdotes which include such Stars as, Errol Flynn, Katharine Hepburn, Howard Hughes and Gary Cooper.

Chapter 17:

– The filming of Bring On The Girls (1945), Duffy’s Tavern (1946) and Hold That Blonde! (1945). Veronica recalls marrying her second husband, Andre de Toth and shares a moving story from her visit to The White House in January 1945.

Chapter 18:

– The filming of Miss Susie Slagles (1946), Out Of This World (1945), Ramrod (1946), The Blue Dahlia (1946), Saigon (1947) and The Sainted Sisters (1948). Veronica and Andre expand their family as she has her third baby, a boy named Michael. She also talks about her and Andre obtaining their Pilot Licenses and how the death of her step-dad deeply affected her.

Chapter 19:

– Features a highly entertaining story of Veronica flying her plane, whilst carrying her forth child, in her fifth month of pregnancy. With her on board is her secretary Marge, who up until then had never flown before.

Chapter 20:

– Veronica gives birth to her forth baby, a girl named Diana and talks about the turmoil of her relationship with her mother, who decided to sue her for, “lack of filial love and responsibility” and over $17,000.

Chapter 21:

– The filming of Slattery’s Hurricane (1949) and Stronghold (1951). Veronica discusses her frustration with Andre’s prolific spending, which results in them filing for bankruptcy and ultimately, the deterioration of their marriage.

Chapter 22:

– Veronica moves to New York in 1951 and continues her acting career through various television appearances and the stage. She enters her third marriage to husband, Joe McCarthy, which she admits was volatile from the start and they divorce after just four years, in September 1959.

Chapter 23:

– Covers the years 1959 through to 1961. Veronica discusses her time taking a job as a cocktail waitress – which contrary to popular belief, she actually quite enjoyed. She also talks about the traumatic accident which resulted in a severely broken ankle, which caused her inability to act for two years.

Chapter 24:

– Delves into her relationship with Andy Elickson, a Merchant Seaman, who she met during her time working in the Martha Washington Hotel and focuses on the period between 1961 and 1966. She also writes about a high note in her stage career; appearing in Best Foot Forward in 1963.

Chapter 25:

– Veronica discusses her move to Miami from New York in 1966.

Chapter 26:

– The filming of Footsteps In The Snow (1966) and Flesh Feast (1970) which was then known as Time Is Terror and was originally shot in 1967.

Chapter 27:

– Ends in October 1967 with Veronica discussing her reading performance of The World of Carl Sandburg, which she describes as one of the, “finest moments” of her life.

______________________________________________________________________________

Veronica’s words are full of honesty, she does not sugar-coat her flaws and her anecdotes convey a great sense of humbleness towards her career and lots of self criticism to her talent, the latter which saddens me. I’ve noticed many of the great Stars rarely seem to have any belief in themselves. If only they could see how loved and appreciated they truly are. However, her loyalty and generosity towards her close friends and even acquaintances does not go unnoticed. It’s refreshing to see her be able to share her own story, without various opinions and conspiracies that have grown over the years being included.

Overall, there’s only two downsides that springs to mind. Firstly, as the book was originally published in 1969 and finishes at the end of 1967, we’re missing the six final years of her fascinating life and tragically nothing can be done to change this. Of course no one is at fault, it’s just a shame that those last years will remain mostly a mystery to us. It would have been wonderful to read about her time in England. Lastly, in the original edition, a number of pages featured very rare photos of Veronica throughout her years, including her own comments. Sadly, only a small version of the cover photo reappears at the end of the newly republished book. I’m assuming this is down to cost and or copyright, but it would be nice to see these rare treasures reappear in the latest edition for fans that are not fortunate enough to also own an original copy.

Ultimately, Veronica always maintains her true self and comes across as not a Screen Icon, but just like one of us – albeit with some extraordinary Hollywood stories. She’s simply, and I mean this in the most complimentary way – a human being. It’s been almost a decade since I discovered Veronica, eight years in fact and I for one have not only became even more endeared to Miss Lake, but, I have also developed a warm space in my heart for my fellow 5’2″ little lady, Miss Connie/Ronni Keane.

Lastly, a huge thank you to Dean Street Press for believing in the popularity of Veronica and so wonderfully reprinting hers and Donald Bain’s special words for us all to enjoy.

For anyone who wants to see more of Veronica, I’ve amassed a fairly large archive of photos over the years which can be viewed on my blog devoted entirely to her; missveronicalakes.

Follow me at;

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For inquiries or collaborations contact me at;

meganmonroes@icloud.com

Veronica: The Autobiography of Veronica Lake; Book Review. When most people hear the name, "Veronica Lake" usually one of three things comes to mind - …

[eastertag]

@hedwigstalons gift for @taylart-x

The prompts used were ‘Annual Tracy egg hunt’ and ‘The ‘rescue bunny’’.

Jeff looked over the reports and frowned.  He was rapidly coming to realise that International Rescue had become an organisation that never slept.  In many cases literally if the frequency of the mission logs was anything to go by.  Birthdays and Christmas, once important events in the Tracy family calendar, were rarely celebrated on the correct day.  He doubted they even knew when Easter fell each year that holiday had fallen so far down the priority list.  The organisation he had returned to, and the men that ran it, were very different to what he had been forced away from by his unexpected exile to the Oort cloud. 

Or perhaps it wasn’t so different from what he had left behind.  It was the same work ethic he himself had thrived on but now he had a better appreciation for finding a balance and spending time as a family.  His boys had an unhealthy tendency to work themselves into the ground.  Individually they might each get some time for relaxation but they were always on call and it was rare to get all five on the same planet.  John’s primary residence was on board Thunderbird Five and while he came home more frequently than before a return to ‘business as usual’ had meant a return to having one son based at the space station.  It had never been Jeff’s intention for the burden of manning the communications satellite to fall solely on the shoulders of one son but it seemed that is what had happened in his absence. 

If his sons’ sense of duty was preventing them from taking a break then he would call upon that same sense of duty and use it to his advantage; pleasure masquerading as work.  A faint smile curled over his features as he formulated a plan. 

Jeff had already discovered that trying to be spontaneous only ended in disaster.  The last time he had sprung a family day on them Scott and John between them had spent so long putting contingencies in place and making arrangements to divert the International Rescue systems that the plans had fallen flat.  This time he would be more prepared. 

xoxoxox

The sight of Thunderbird One and Thunderbird Two parked up on the Domain behind the hospital was a familiar one for the residents of Auckland.  As one of the largest hospitals in New Zealand and the site of the closest major trauma unit to International Rescue’s base of operations Auckland City Hospital played host to the operatives in blue more times than those same operatives would like.  Patches of the open field were permanently scorched from repeated exposure to VTOL, so much so that the craft almost had their own parking bays marked out.

This time though Auckland was not worried about the health of its local heroes; they could see the pilots of the Thunderbirds, or at least four of them, arranged on the staging in front of the Auckland Museum.  The grass in front of the staging was littered with brightly coloured rugs and blankets.  Picnic hampers were dotted about and there was a distinct holiday feeling in the air.

“Tell me again why I agreed to this.”  The voice from inside the rabbit costume was slightly muffled and indistinct but still dripped with exasperation.  As someone who lived most of their life in low Earth orbit, and often had to rely solely on verbal communication, John was able to convey an eye roll just through tone alone.

“Because, Johnny boy, someone had to wear the suit and the alternative is running around with the kids.”  Gordon couldn’t resist the opportunity to throw in the loathed nickname, especially as John was unable to physically retaliate.  A giant bunny smacking an International Rescue operative around the back of head would be bad PR, even if said bunny and operative were brothers. 

John had to concede that Gordon had a point.  While he might be feeling the humiliation of playing the Easter bunny his brothers were tasked with being team captains in the upcoming egg hunt.  The thought of being responsible for a score of hyped up and over-sugared children was not appealing.  Nor was the thought of running around in gravity which would likely end up with him eating dirt.  Perhaps the costume was the least embarrassing option after all.  At least he was comfortable.  He had his uniform on under the rabbit suit and the in-built thermal regulation system was keeping him nicely cool in the warm sunshine of early autumn.  He could almost forget he was wearing the thick, furry oversuit.

The other advantage to being inside the suit was that no one could actually see him.  John was never comfortable being in the public eye and being stood up on the staging in front of the arranged children and their families was making his squirm.  He had to resist the urge to claw at the neck of the costume where it joined the oversized head piece.  He also wished his brothers would lay off tweaking his tail.

Casting an eye over the crowd, and judging that any latecomers had been given sufficient time to get comfortable, Jeff stepped up the front of the staging.  A hush settled over the assembled gathering and Jeff’s voice projected clearly; no microphone required.  He was the boss after all.

“Welcome and thank you all for coming.  From the very beginning Tracy Industries has been a family run company and I would like to think that it is still family orientated.  Without your dedication to the company it would not be the success it is today.  You are the most important element in the business.  I have always felt the importance of coming together socially to build our working family outside of the office.  Unfortunately, when my sons relocated head office to Auckland during my unintended absence it seems that these events were not continued.  I feel it is time to resurrect the old traditions so I would like to thank you for coming along to the Tracy Industries Family Egg Hunt.”

There was a smattering applause from the families spread out on the picnic rugs.  The reactions showed a clear division between the polite acknowledgement of those who had joined after Jeff went missing and the more enthusiastic response of those who had moved with the company when it relocated. 

Those who had worked for the company in Los Angeles, or who came from the even earlier days in Kansas, had been thrilled when the memo went round that Jeff was reinstating the holiday event.  The events had been popular.  Their enthusiasm had spilled around the offices and a healthy crowd had turned up to the Domain.

The five assembled sons felt a pang of guilt at their father’s words.  They had done they best they could.  Managing the conflicting demands of International Rescue and Tracy Industries after their father’s presumed death had been difficult.  They had never asked to be thrust into the dual leadership roles so young.  The social events were just one of the elements that had slipped.

“The rules today are simple.  You must find the hidden eggs and return them to your team captain.  You can only carry one egg at a time.  No taking eggs from another player but if you catch an opposing team captain they will forfeit one of their collection and hand it over to you.  No straying outside the playing area.  The team with the most eggs at the end wins the prize.  Now, can all the children taking part please go and join their allocated team captains and collect a coloured sash.”

The four brothers not clad in giant rabbit suits took their cue to jump down and start distributing simple cloth sashes to the excited crowd of children.  Bands of red, yellow, green and blue were hastily shoved on as each child pledged allegiance to their favourite Thunderbird. 

The team captains made their way to the four corners of the playing field, followed by their broods like a troop of mother ducks with their ducklings.  Jeff gave them time to take up their positions before speaking through the comms.

“Is everybody ready?”

He received four responses of “FAB”. 

Knowing how it would delight the children, and how proud Tracy Industries families were of their connection with International Rescue, Jeff started the obligatory.

“Five.  Four.  Three.  Two.  One.”

His own “Thunderbirds are go!” was drowned out by the chorus of the field operatives shouted over the comms system.

Children began spreading out across the field, swooping down on the brightly coloured eggs laying in the grass or hidden at the base of trees.  Three out of the four siblings could also be seen popping up on occasion to receive eggs from their team while trying to avoid being caught by the other players.

Jeff listened to the chatter over the open comms line.  He gave a satisfied smile as the airwaves became filled with breathless laughter and good natured teasing.  There hadn’t been enough laughter in his sons’ lives. 

While he felt it important to restart the Tracy Industries community events he also felt it important to let his sons be children again.  Gone were the serious young men who held the weight of the world on their shoulders.  The operatives, in their distinctive blue uniforms, were the biggest kids out there.  It also gave him an insight into their differing characteristics.

Scott was ever the commander.  His troops were spreading out with military precision.  The blue team systematically swept the field.  No stray egg was left behind as the team scoured first their own quadrant and then the wider area. 

Unfortunately the brave field commander seemed to have forgotten that his brothers were actively working against him rather than for him.

Gordon opened up a private comm line to Alan, temporarily muting their conversation from the wider network.

“Hey, Alan.”

“What‘s up?”

“How do you feel about joining forces and taking our esteemed older brother down a peg or two?”

“Which one?”

“Scott.  But we will need to watch out for Virg too.  I haven’t seen the jolly green giant since we started.”

“Me neither.  So what’s the plan?”

The pair made a hurried plan, knowing that every moment they stayed off the main comms frequency they risked detection through their absence.

Virgil, from his vantage point on high, watched the events unfolding below.  Opting to play a defensive game he had hauled himself up into a tree at the start of proceedings.  One of the older children who had good throwing accuracy was stationed near by, ready to pass up any eggs the team collected.  Let his siblings fight it out amongst themselves.  He intended to keep hold of every single egg claimed by his intrepid green team.  He was quite comfortable settled in the branches.  He had even had the foresight to fill some of the equipment pouches on his uniform with snacks.

Scott has moved too far out into the open as his team performed their methodical sweep of the playing area.  Alan had been able to circle his team behind the unsuspecting commander while Gordon directed his team round in a pincer movement.  The trees and bushes that broke up the field provided excellent cover.

A blood curdling yell filled the air.

Alan, leading his band of red clad troops, broke cover and sprinted towards the unsuspecting Scott.  The red and yellow teams together formed a natural funnel providing only one logical route of escape.  The field commander took off at a sprint.  He knew he would be able to easily out pace his younger sibling.  He just needed to keep ahead until Alan ran out of steam.

What he hadn’t counted on was Gordon.

As he sprinted through a gap between two bushes Scott felt a solid weight slam into his side as Gordon launched himself in a low tackle.  Blue and yellow tumbled into the dirt.  Reflexes honed through years of training that had him rolling with the tackle and no damage was done but his run for freedom was well and truly curtailed.  Not to be left out, Alan launched himself on top of the duo rolling on the floor. 

Children of all factions piled on top of the trio.  All three brothers found their egg collection bags raided and scattered about the surrounding grass. 

Breaking out from the giggling, writhing mass of children the three Thunderbirds dusted themselves off. 

Blue, red and yellow all ended up worse off from the encounter.  The green team, not to be left out, took advantage of the whole situation.  While the other three teams just ended up swapping eggs between them the green team swooped in and carried off a fair portion to be handed to their still hidden captain.

“Well that went well”.  Scott rolled his eyes at Alan and Gordon as all three looked at their much depleted haul.

“Worth it though” smirked Gordon.  “You really are far too predictable.” 

“You do realise Mr I’m-So-Bad-At-Competitive-Games-I’ll-Just-Fake-Having-Something-Else-To-Do is likely to win now?  We will never live this one down.  Is he even still out here or has he sloped off for ice cream?”

“I heard that.”  Virgil’s voice came through loud and clear over the comms.  It was easy to forget they were running an open network and every word was being broadcast to their siblings and father.  “And just for that I think I’ll give a copy of my body-cam footage to Kayo.”

This elicited a combined grimace from the three on the ground.  Kayo would likely have severe words about Scott walking in to such a blatant trap.  Severe words that would likely be punctuated by some very painful training sessions.

The three were about to go their separate ways to continue the game when a new and wholly unwelcome voice graced the airwaves. 

Grandma.

Normally this wouldn’t be a problem but she had stayed home to monitor the International Rescue systems with the help of Eos.  This could only mean one thing.

“I’m sorry boys.  We have a situation.”

xoxoxox

It was a weary set of operatives that trooped into the Tracy Island lounge goodness knows how many hours later.  The incoming rescue call had required the skills of all five siblings and they had left their father behind to deal with the aftermath of the picnic and to make his own way home.  Now all five were running on empty and just wanted to head off to bed but knew they needed to check in first.

“Another successful mission” yawned Scott.  “You really didn’t need to wait up for us.”

“It’s my prerogative to wait up and worry about you” countered Jeff.

He watched with fatherly concern as his boys trailed in behind their leader.  Faces were lined with exhaustion.  Uniforms were soot smudged and dirtied, bearing the marks of hard work and many hours of exertion in the danger zone.  Thankfully none of them were displaying obvious signs of injury

His look of concern changed to one of mild amusement as his final son appeared from the hangers.  Gone was the novelty headpiece and furry gloves but John still had the grey and white rabbit suit on over his uniform.  Except now the costume was grey and more grey.

“Nice to see you keeping in the spirit of the holiday Son, but I think we now owe Tracy Industries a new costume.”

A look of puzzlement crossed John’s face.  He was too tired for riddles.  He pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes in an effort to stave off the wave of exhaustion and wiped away some of the soot from his face with the sleeve of his uniform.

Since when had his uniform been furry?

Comprehension dawned as he looked down. 

He shot an accusatory look at his brothers.

“Did no one think to tell me I still had this thing on?”

“Aw c’mon, it suits you.”  Gordon was practically sniggering from the place he had claimed on the sofa.

“It’s hardly professional though.  I mean, what must the local rescue services have though?  No wonder the local police liaison couldn’t look me in the eye.”

“Well the fire chief thought it was cute.  She even went as far as to ask me if our very own rescue bunny was single.”

A faint flush could be seen under the grime that still smeared John’s face.  He quickly turned and stalked off towards his Earthside bedroom.

“So, should I send her your number?” Gordon shouted after him.

“I hate you all” came the distant response.  “Next year I’m staying on Five.”

[holidaywishes]

Embers IX

Chapter IX: you and I

  Summary of series: Katie moves from Peachtree, Georgia, to L.A. with her son, Alex to start fresh after the death of her husband. When she meets Evan Buckley, a young firefighter, she falls fast but will her son be so quick to accept Evan into his life?

  Summary of chapter: Evan starts to realize how “invested” Big Jeff is getting in Katie and her relationship with you, leading Evan to confront Jeff at a concert.

  Warning: a little bit of drama but hopefully some fluff throughout

  Author’s Note: Alright my loves! How did everyone enjoy the series finale last week? I’ve decided to re-watch all three seasons of 9-1-1 and I’ll keep posting chapters every Monday to make it feel like the show is still going; since we’re not sure when Season 4 will start filming yet. I hope you continue to read these chapters and that you enjoy them! Cheers, xx! 😘

  masterlist

  the other masterlist

xx

Katie’s P.O.V

  “So,” Nick asked from behind you as you attempted to sort out the details of Amber’s concert before she left for her tour, “can I go with her?”

  “Go with her?” you laughed, “I’m sorry, what?”

  “Wouldn’t that be good for the PR?”

  “Nick,” you turned to him, “I want you to think about what you’re saying. I know you. I’ve worked with you long enough to see when you’re being honest and when you’re playing it up for the camera. There’s no camera here, it’s just me.”

  “So you know I’m not playing it up...”

  “No,” you admitted, “but I do know that I’ve never seen you look at anyone the way you look at her. That this isn’t just a PR relationship to you anymore”

  “Well...” he stammered

  “Well...” you added

  “Well, so what? So I like her. So I’m with her for real. What’s the big deal?”

  “You need to think about this. Logically. I think the two of you are adorable together and I can see how much you care about her. But I’m not sure she’s as invested in the relationship as you are. At least, not outside of the PR arrangement.”

  “I don’t believe that” he argued

  “Talk to her about it. Without anyone around. No cameras. No publicists. No fans. No bodyguards. Just you and her. If she says she doesn’t think it’s a PR relationship then, sure, go for it. Ask her if you can join her on tour.”

  “Awesome!” he smiled

  “But Nicky,” you stopped him before he could walk too far, “don’t get your hopes up too high. I don’t want you getting your heart broken.”

  “Thanks, mom” he joked

  “You’re welcome kid.” You replied as Nick bumped into Evan when he walked through the door

  “Sorry, bro” Nick smiled

  “All good, bro,” Evan replied, laughing at Nick’s energy as he bounced away, “he’s in a good mood huh?”

  “He’s in love” you confessed, giving Evan a quick peck before returning to work

  “I guess that makes two of us” he said, pulling you close to him hoping to get more than a peck

  “Three..” you smiled, losing yourself in his lips for a minute before you had to focus on work. “Mmm.. Evan,” you groaned, “I have to finish up this stuff. Amber’s gonna be here in like 10 minutes for her sound check and she’s gotta go over this stuff.”

  “10 minutes is plenty of time..” he winked at you

  “Evan, please,” you giggled, “just let me finish this. It won’t take long. Maybe two minutes.”

  “Can I just stay here and hold you while you do your work?”

  “Not if you’re just gonna try to get me to kiss you the whole time”

  “What if I just kiss your neck and you can kiss when you’re finished working?”

  “Cute,” you laughed, “you’re too distracting. Go sit down.” Evan sighed as he sat down on the couch just to the side of the room while you continued to make sure everything was set up and where it was supposed to be

  “I didn’t think you did all this stuff” he asked from where he sat

  “What do you mean?” you answered, checking a list that was handed to her

  “Like all this tech stuff. I thought you said you just handled all the publicity?”

  “Uhh,” you hummed distractedly, “I do. I’m a publicist, so that’s the main part of my job. But Amber is very particular about her sound check so she gives me a list to make sure everything is the way she likes it. So, once the sound engineers and their team set up the boards, I go back and make sure everything on the list is checked off.”

  “She always so...” he started, making you look back for him to finish his question, “difficult?”

  “Shh,” you joked, putting your index finger in front of your lips, “someone could hear you.” You exchanged a smile before Nick and Jeff came back into the room

  “Ah Buck, you’re still here,” Nick said and Evan stood up, “you know Big Jeff right?”

  “We met once, yeah. How’s it going?” Evan outstretched his hand to shake Jeff’s, who just huffed at him and headed straight for you.

  “The girl here yet?” Jeff said

  “Ookayy..” Evan mumbled to himself under his breath, putting his hand down as he sat back on the couch

  “No, she should be here soon though” you replied

  “The kid really wants to go on her tour. But he wants me to stay back...”

  “Nick,” you forcibly corrected, “hasn’t even asked her if she wants him to go. But if she says yes, you’ll have to go.”

  “I work for him, not for her. Not for you,” he challenged, “if he tells me to stay back, I stay back.”

  “If he gets mobbed or hurt in anyway, it’s on you. Because you were hired to protect him. Hired, I might add, by my boss. Which means you work for her.”

  “Okay, okay,” he scoffed, moving closer to you to watch you work, “should he really be back here?” Jeff whispered, referring to Evan

  “He’s not bothering anyone.” You said

  “He’s bothering me”

  “I want him here, deal with it Shrek.” He laughed, making Evan look up to see what was going on, just in time to watch Jeff move his hand to the small of your back; you pushed Jeff away before Evan could say anything

  “Everything okay?” Evan asked, walking over to you as Jeff walked away

  “Yeah,” you smiled, leaning up to kiss him, “it’s just Jeff being Jeff.”

  “He doesn’t seem like a super friendly guy,” he added, “he really doesn’t like me.”

  “That’s new for you isn’t it?” you joked

  “What?”

  “People not liking you?”

  “I mean... what’s not to like?” he teased

  “It’s just his nature I think,” you sighed, “he’s got a military background. So he’s all like ‘programmed’ to be suspicious of everyone. It’s one of the reasons why Raquel hired him as Nick’s Security Detail.” Evan nodded, wrapping his arms around your waist

  “You finished yet?”

  “Yes. Amber should be here soon, so let’s go out to the stage...”

xx

Evan’s P.O.V.

  You didn’t like seeing ‘Big Jeff’ stand so close to Katie but she seemed to be able to handle herself enough for you to respect her space. You watched her take care of her two young clients without losing her temper while they practically fought her every decision; you felt a source of pride watching her that you didn’t expect. When the crowds started piling into the arena and Amber prepared to start her set, Katie took you away from everyone before she had to stand in the wings.

  “Hey,” you chuckled, “what’s going on?”

  “I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring you all day” she said, wrapping her arms around your neck

  “You’ve been working”

  “Yeah but I got mad at you for blowing me off for work and now I’m doing the same thing...”

  “I like watching you work,” you smiled, “it’s very sexy.”

  “Oh yeah?” she teased, pushing the two of you into the empty green room at the end of the hall

  “Yeah” you hummed against her throat while you began leaving kissing along your neck. You moved your hand up her waist until it reached her neck, cupping her face gently before kissing her deeply; slow and intense. You were trying to make the moment last, to make the most of it, but when someone called out for Katie to come back, you knew that the moment was gone.

  “I’m sorry” she apologized, letting her head fall onto your chest

  “It’s okay,” you smiled, whispering in her ear as you both left the room, “we can finish this later.” You followed her to the side of the stage just as Amber walked on, greeting the loud crowd of people waiting for her to perform and you had to admit, it was a pretty cool feeling to see the behind the scenes of it all. When the music started and Amber began to sing, you couldn’t help but watch Katie and the smile that grew on her face as she watched the performance, “I thought you didn’t like her?” you asked, yelling over the music

  “I never--” she started, “she’s difficult sometimes. But she’s talented. And the people love her. And I’m just.. I’m happy she’s happy!”

  “She does look really happy”

  “Right?!” she peered over at you before catching a glimpse of Nick on the other side of the stage, “and him,” she pointed to Nick, “I’ve never really considered him the relationship type but he’s so happy with her. I just hope he doesn’t get hurt. He’s a little fragile.” She admitted, telling you she was going to talk to him for a second and kissing your cheek before she floated away. As soon as she was out of earshot, Jeff walked up beside you,

  “What are your intentions with her?” Jeff pushed

  “Who are you trying to be? Her dad?” you chided

  “Just looking out for her,” he countered, “I care about her. And I’m not sure that a relationship with ‘someone like you’ is good for her.”

  “Because being in a relationship with someone like you is better?”

  “Being with her husband would’ve been ideal but he died,” he said, rather callously, “so obviously she can’t be with him. I just think she needs time to heal, to grieve. You’re not letting her do that.”

  “She’s an adult. She can make her own decisions,” you argued, turning your body to face Jeff, who kept his body forward, “I’m not making her do anything she doesn’t want to.”

  “You keep telling yourself that” Jeff scoffed

  “You think you’ve got her fooled don’t you?” you narrowed your eyes as you spoke to Jeff, “acting like the protective big brother to her favourite client. Looking out for her on his behalf. Playing this role of ex-military guy who’s just ‘doing his job’”

  “I am just doing my job” Jeff finally turned to face you, not liking what you were insinuating

  “I’ve seen the way you look at her,” you sneered, “the way you touch her and get close to her when you think no one’s around. And the way you talk to her about our relationship, the way you talk to me about our relationship, it feels incredibly... stalkerish”

  “You think I’m stalking her?”

  “I think you’re overstepping your bounds”

  “I think you need to calm down,” he scoffed, “check your ego”

  “This isn’t about ego. This is about you needing to respect her and her space. She’s not yours. She doesn’t belong to you. You don’t work for her and she doesn’t work for you.”

  “Back off”

  “Stay away from her.” You stated bluntly, face to face with Jeff, eyes locked on each other and faces so close that when Katie came back she had to pull the two of you apart away just to get in between you

  “You need to watch yourself, Kid,” Jeff added, pointing his finger at you, “you don’t know who you’re messing with.”

  “Enough testosterone. Okay” Katie huffed

  “Katie,” Jeff grabbed her arm before she left with you, “be careful with him. I think he’s reckless. I don’t think it’s safe for him to be around Alex”

  “Stop,” she shook her head as her forehead creased, “just.. stay here and make sure Nick and Amber are okay. I’m done for the night and I have to get home to my son.”

  “I’m serious Katie,” he called as she walked back to you, “he’s going to get you in trouble!”

  “Just ignore him” she said as she wrapped her arm around your waist. He couldn’t shake the feeling that Jeff was going to find some way to come between your and Katie but, because you had no proof that he would, you didn’t bring it up to her. You figured that if something needed to be brought up, you’d have to wait until you had something more concrete to bring to the discussion. So, that’s what he did.

[manadude-blog1]

The Wise Dudes

Since becoming a Dudeist in,like, what was it? 2015 or something, who fucking knows man...i’ve noticed a lack of material reference that was a bit beyond the usual “Dudeists” who would only ever quote the movie non-stop; every post, every meme, every comment quotes. It gets a bit exhausting after a while. So I wanted to use this blog thing as a platform to point other Dudeists in the direction of other cool characters that abide in their own way. 

In my quest to live my best life I’ve come across a handful of people, who, after studying their character for some time, have dubbed them the “Wise Dudes”, they aren’t bearing gifts of Mir, but they are sagely no doubt. True abiders, people, but mostly characters these people play who really tie those archetypal aspects together in one holy, far out Dude. 

The Dude Himself - Jeff Bridges

The Holy Dude himself. Jeff Bridges.  It seems since his role as the Dude in The Coen Brothers The Big Lebowski, Jeff has himself adopted and nurtured what it means to be a Dude in his real life.  When he isn’t doin’ the whole acting this, he is out there doin’ his part for starving kids, or the environment. 

He even produced the Sleeping Tapes, which is a massive trip, ASMR, guided meditation hybrid of strangeness, but even stranger it makes sense. 

Which you can find here on Youtube: https://youtu.be/y3_Evj0iPDk

And he also co-wrote a uniquely awesome book with his own Zen Master buddy Bernie Glassman Titled “The Dude and the Zen Master”, which is a collection of in-depth jams discussing the ins-and-outs and Zen messages hidden inside the film, and the character of the Dude. 

But above all these things, Jeff Bridges really just displays all the virtues of a true dude, from every single interview he takes part in, he spreads a real chill, and riffs with anybody and everybody like they are close friends. Thats what makes him the Wisest Dude of the lot, because he is the same off-screen as he is on-screen in the role that started it all. One of my favourite interviews is this one where he groks with another Wise Dude in this list: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmqtyVE290Y

Don Stark - Gerry “with a G” - Maron Season 3. 

In Season 3 (episode 6) of IFC’s Maron; Mark finds himself attending Narcotics Anonymous Meetings and in need of a sponsor (after meeting two very Donny characters) meets Gerry “with a G”.  I instantly loved this character played by Don Stark (from That 70′s Show fame).  From his first words, mumbled out between gulps of food, explaining to Maron he shouldn’t eat the birthday cake because it’s covered in “junkie Germs” and that he is immune.  And just his look; which resonated with me alot personally, as we dress almost identically (even to the point of me buying the exact same ringed necklace shown in the above picture), loose tshirts, oversized un-buttoned overshirts and a rugged demeanour. Gerry has all the markings of a true Wise Dude. 

Gerry has alot of cool lines in the few episodes he’s in. He not only helps Maron find an awkward living situation, which is what any fellow dude would do, reflected in Gerry saying: “One Addict helping another, that’s what it’s all about”. He is genuinely just living his best life and helping out others in the process, with his own dude style all his own. 

Mark Boone Junior - Jerry - Flaked

You might know this next dude from Sons of Anarchy fame.  In Flaked, which stars Wil Arnett, Jerry is the main character, Chips, ex Father-in-law.  A self made millionaire, but you wouldn’t know it at first. His house is pretty chill, actually, i downplayed that, I fucking love this dudes abode. 

Which, like our previous Dude, reflects something in my own life and Dudeness; all the dream catchers and aesthetics that come with the lifestyle; a chair out the front with a native-american looking throw, nick nacks, overgrowth, ambient lighting etc.  When we first meet Jerry, he is a bit tanked on red wine and possibly stoned, waking up from a dream he’s not quite sure he was asleep for. he is talking in metaphors and seems to be in some kind of evening stupor, which i can relate too, because when the sun sets, I just wanna chill out, hang with my dog, smoke a J and watch the light fade, anyone rocking up to my place unannounced would totally throw me off. And although he doesn’t particularly like Chip, he still lets him in to chat. 

Although Jerry loses his chill, later on, it shows, like The Dude himself, that none of us are immune to life, but at least we aren’t fake, we tend to it, we get back to whoever we are when the shit passes. As long as we abide, where we are, that’s the goal line. 

Joaquin Phoenix - Larry "Doc" Sportello - Inherent Vice

I admit, I had to watch Inherent Vice more than once to actually “get it”, aside from the story which really throws you through the ringer, and leaves you feeling like your coming down of some massive LSD binge journey, the main character of Doc, a private investigator high as a kite, bumbling his way from one location to the next dazed and confused is pretty dudely and his demeanour and dress code and way of life got him an esteemed place in my Wise Dude Pantheon.  Not much I can about him, check out the movie and see for yourself. But you might wanna smoke a joint before hand AND during, I had to to really get what was going on, it’s a wild ride man. 

Matthew McConaughey & Woody Harrelson - Steve Addington & Jack Mayweather - Surfer, Dude!

 This one is a double feature. The movie Surfer, Dude! is pretty cool, i watch it occasionally for a refresher course in taking it easy when the waves of life die off and I need to reset.  Steve, McConaughey’s character, is a surfer bum. Travelling from surf to surf living his best life until a media mogul attempts to lock him into a contract that starts chipping away at his Dude-ness! fuck, media mogul or not, we’ve all been there right?  His friends and fans abandon him, he gets set up looking like a douche bag poser, and the surf stops coming leaving him lost in life.  In the end, everything turns out alright for Steve, but go watch the film, it’s pretty cool.  It even co-stars Willie Nelson as a pot-growing goat shepherd.

Jeff Dowd - The Original Inspiration for The Dude

This ones a tricky one, when i first came across Jeff Dowd, i thought “oh hell yeah, the original Dude, what a trip” but as i started to discover more and more about him, watching videos and interviews etc. It really dawned on me that although this guy is a DUDE, he’s not as chill as i first thought. 

But that was a very Dudeist message for me at that time and place, because alot of Dudeists out there, the poser ones, the perpetual movie-quoters and posters of very undudely things, think the message and archetype of The Dude, is to be chill all the time, to abide with no worries in the world. But after many viewings of the Big Lebowski i’ve found that the real message of the movie isn’t about that at all, neither is the Dudes character; It’s about bending with shit that comes up moment-to-moment, dealing with it, and coming back to yourself, a place you can abide in, and although Jeff Dowd is very chill, sometimes incoherent and sloppy, he’s passionate about life, and doing what he wants to do, dealing with the shit as it arises. And that’s what it’s all about. So maybe that’s where the inspiration mostly came from.  As Bruce Lee Said: “Be like Bamboo, strong yet supple, bending with the pressures of life, and snapping back to form when it passes” or something like that. 

FINALLY, ME - Rick Boland 

Man if there was ever a person who felt like someone pissed on his rug it’s me.  Life has it’s Strikes and Gutters, no doubt.  But at the end of the day, after i’ve been out doin’ my thing; mentoring and working with young people and the community in whatever aspect that is, I come home, I have a shower, I listen to some tunes, light some incense, hang with my wife and canine pal, and abide.  Have I put myself on this list because I consider myself some Wise Dude? Nah, not at all, I’m just a simple Dude, living his best life, or trying too, helping who I can, and remembering at the end of the day, even when life punches you straight in the mouth, that getting back that place where it all ties together and makes sense is what it’s all about.  Bob Dylan once said “A man is considered a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and inbetween he does what he needs to do”.  That is something I can certainly Abide with. Peace Out Dudes 

[adamgoestothemovies]

Best of 2018

I watch a lot of films.

For close to five years now, I’ve been watching somewhere in the region of 100-150 new releases per year. At some point along the line, I started to keep lists of those films, then started to rank the movies on those lists, and eventually got into the habit of compiling end of year lists.

I shared these lists (and discussed them at great length in podcast form) in 2016 and 2017, and I wanted to do the same for 2018. With the Leftover Popcorn Podcast currently on an extended hiatus, that brought me to the post you’re reading right now.

Due to the quirks of global release schedules, the timing of these posts is always a little tricky. I’ve made a habit of finalising my lists just before the Oscars on an annual basis, as that generally affords the extra time required for many of the year’s most interesting films to make their way to me in Ireland.

As such, this list is comprised of my 20 favourite films that received either (a) a U.S. release in the Academy’s eligibility window for the 91st Academy Awards or (b) extremely belated releases in the UK and Ireland following late 2017 releases stateside.

Only time will reveal if 2018 was a particularly strong or interesting year for film, but I know it at least offered plenty of films that have stuck with me long after the end credits finished rolling. The year was filled with ideas, moments, shots, set-pieces and technical achievements that amazed and resonated with me in a wide variety of ways. Many of those highlights can be found in the 20 films below.

Before getting to the list, I have some honourable mentions. In no particular order, they include: Wildlife, The Favourite, Crazy Rich Asians, Hereditary, A Quiet Place, Three Identical Strangers, Beast, Shirkers, Mission: Impossible - Fallout, The Old Man and the Gun, Won’t You Be My Neighbor?, BlacKkKlansman.

20. A Star is Born - (Bradley Cooper)

The first hour of A Star is Born is as good as anything released this year and, as such, it’s by no means a criticism to say it falls off somewhat beyond that point. Still, Bradley Cooper’s directorial debut contains multiple moments that induce goosebumps. It’s not subtle by any means, but there have been very few films over the past decade that have managed to capture emotional extremes in such a truly cinematic fashion. Lady Gaga is sensational, Sam Elliott is a scene-stealer, and in the form of Cooper’s dog, Charlie*, a star is well and truly born

*In a year of fantastic canine performances, I think Charlie pips out Borras (Roma), Boris (Leave No Trace), Olivia (Widows) and Joy (Dogman) to be the best of the many good dogs.

19. Lean On Pete - (Andrew Haigh)

Andrew Haigh’s third feature sees the British filmmaker’s focus shift to the sumptuous expanse of rural middle America. In this touching story of a teenage boy and his attempts to save the eponymous also-ran racehorse, a delicate handle on the narrative complements stunning visuals to produce what should be the contradictory notion of an intimate epic.

It’s impossible not to fall for Charlie Plummer’s protagonist in the same fashion he has grown to love Lean On Pete, as the film’s central relationship reveals both boy and horse have equally been dealt a raw deal by their circumstances.

18. Happy New Year, Colin Burstead - (Ben Wheatley)

Ben Wheatley has emerged as an incredibly interesting and distinctive filmmaker over the past ten years, and that sense is only further heightened with the contained terror of the family gathering he portrays in Happy New Year, Colin Burstead. As an ensemble piece which takes place on the smallest of scales compared to High Rise and Free Fire, Wheatley’s latest was always going to live and die by its writing and acting.

Unsurprisingly, both are fantastic in a film that provides equal measures of comedy and unbearable discomfort for the audience. As an added bonus, it also includes easily the best end credits sequence of the year.

17. The Rider - (Chloe Zhao)

Chloe Zhao’s poetic, contemporary Western packs an abundance of heart-wrenching moments into a film that would stand as an extraordinary achievement even if it wasn’t for its real-life roots. As it is, this is more than just a film.

Although a slightly altered re-telling, the story of the Jandreau family and those who make up their social circle is brought to the screen by the real life figures in question. Zhao uses South Dakota’s largely untouched natural beauty as the canvas for this tale of struggle, and the search for purpose that unfolds from there isn’t easily forgotten.

16. You Were Never Really Here (Lynne Ramsay)

I’d be lying if I said that I liked You Were Never Really Here, which makes it something of a black sheep on a list of films that I otherwise loved across the course of the last 12 months. Some films aren’t supposed to be loved, though, and as Lynne Ramsay’s Taxi Driver-esque fable continues to rattle around my brain all these months later, I’ve come to appreciate it immensely.

This is a deeply unsettling film, but considering the subject matter, that’s exactly what it should be. Ramsay has delivered a film that showcases her masterful control of a very specific mood, and boosted by a stellar performance from Joaquin Phoenix, and Jonny Greenwood’s jolting score, it equated to one of the most memorable movies of the year.

15. Columbus - (Kogonada)

Swathes of cinephiles worldwide were already familiar with Kogonada’s cinematic tastes and sensibilities, thanks to his phenomenal video essays, but that didn’t make his feature directorial debut any less intriguing. In Columbus, Kogonada produced a film as considered as the architecture its characters swoon over.

There’s a stillness and a quiet to the film’s style and story structure, yet that doesn’t equate to a lack of heart or character depth. Haley Lu Richardson and John Cho’s sensational performances anchor the stunning visuals, ensuring their director’s own visual architecture never becomes something prosaic enough to overlook or simply pass by. This is close to as confident and assured as debut films can be.

14. Isle of Dogs - (Wes Anderson)

There’s no getting away from Wes Anderson’s particular tastes, tendencies and flourishes at this point in his career, and as a result, his work remains divisive. Having said that, as Anderson demonstrated in Fantastic Mr. Fox, animation offers an ideal medium for his ever exacting frame and the detail that populates his films. The result in this case is a visually stunning film with a wide range of charms, and something that’s undeniably its own thing in spite of the overt references to Akira Kurosawa and other Asian masters.

Beyond all of its artifice, Isle of Dogs possesses the kind of heart that critics often mourn the absence of in Anderson’s cinema. Anderson’s usual troupe of contributors also provide a fantastic voice cast, with the performances of Brian Cranston, Edward Norton, Bob Balaban, Bill Murray and Jeff Goldblum particularly lively as the film’s leading canines.

13. The Zen Diaries of Garry Shandling - (Judd Apatow)

Documentary portraits of famous figures don’t get much more complete or, indeed, interesting as Judd Apatow’s four-and-a-half hour love letter to the late Garry Shandling. Make no mistake, Apatow’s admiration for and closeness to his subject’s work is clearly evident throughout the film.

In spite of that, the film also manages to offer a look behind the curtain into Shandling’s personal life, and offer up an account of the toll that comedy and television can ultimately take on an individual. The film aligns itself with Shandling’s own clearly reflective instincts, and offers up a measured tribute which gives way to both laughs and tears.

12. The Miseducation of Cameron Post - (Desiree Akhavan)

Desiree Akhavan’s second feature offers up a beautifully efficient and affecting exploration of burgeoning sexuality, and the struggles of wider society in coming to terms with that journey of sexual identity. In a year when multiple films took on a similar shape in exploring the archaic notion of gay conversion therapy centres (and on a very different subject but with a frequently similar shape, the restrictive setting of rehab facilities for addicted youth), Akhavan’s film is directed with a grace and subtlety that elevates it far beyond its contemporaries.

Chloe Grace Moretz and Sasha Lane enhance their deserved reputations as young, emerging superstars in a film that’s incredibly well-written, yet avoids the urge to rely solely on lengthy, overacted soliloquies. Instead, this is cinema as it should be. Trusting in the visual nature of the medium, Akhavan’s film is filled with lingering glances and shots, all of which reveal something about the characters and provoke further contemplation on the movie’s ever-important subject matter.

11. Widows - (Steve McQueen)

Steve McQueen’s background as a Turner Prize winning artist translated to a great sense of precision in his first three films. All three of those features, in some form or another, explored what happens when physicality is pushed to its limits, yet in Widows that same theme took on an even grittier quality when married with the conventions of heist films. A move into genre was undeniably a bold step for a filmmaker of McQueen’s style and growing reputation, but then again when he’s capable of playing with generic norms as impressively as he does in this case, it would have been a waste not to explore those possibilities.

Widows stands as a rich text layered with thoughtful assertions on class, race and gender roles, but that doesn’t detract from this story’s potential as pure entertainment either. With one of the casts of the year, the performances are exceptional across the board -- although Daniel Kaluuya’s work still stands out as one of the very best supporting turns of 2018 -- while McQueen’s inherent creativity is on display for all to see as he transforms a brief and simple car journey into one of the year’s most impressive, insightful and memorable shots.

10. Shoplifters - (Hirokazu Kore-eda)

Hirokazu Kore-eda’s tale of unconventional family on the social margins of Tokyo contains all of the trappings and warmth of Ozu’s best work, yet accompanies it with a distinctly modern and sharp edge that increases both its relevance and resonance. Deeply affecting throughout, Shoplifters highlights the often absurd nature of self-placed social constructs and norms, as just one element of a story that’s already wildly compelling, touching and urgent on its surface.

The question of nature versus nurture is very much alive and at work in Kore-eda’s film, but in a nuanced fashion that is perhaps even more interested in how society and class serve, and fail to serve, certain demographics as a whole. What’s best for us, and what can ultimately be most damaging, may be impossible to pinpoint until it’s often too late, and Kore-eda’s film is only too happy to conclude with that unknown sweeping over the audience.

9. First Man - (Damien Chazelle)

The very same elements that have led to much of the criticism of Damien Chazelle’s La La Land follow-up, will almost certainly prove to be the same reasons it will be afforded much deserved respect and acclaim in time. A very literal nuts and bolts re-telling of mankind’s greatest achievement, First Man is not all that interested in back-slapping or myth-building. It might be easier for many to imagine Neil Armstrong as an exuberant and deeply satisfied man, but his life was more complicated than that, and as such Ryan Gosling’s much-discussed, muted portrayal likely hit on the appropriate tone. Likewise, it would be nice to preserve a fairy tale image of NASA’s untouchable geniuses, but the film and the real life story is all the more interesting for wallowing in the toil, and incredible sacrifices of life, that were a part of man’s journey to the moon.

Having persevered through the quiet, rooted inner-workings and heartbreak that built up to the moon landing, Chazelle treats the audience to arguably the most spectacular moon sequence ever captured on film. The film ends having gifted a sense of wonder for Armstrong and his colleagues’ achievements, but understands the endless failures were just as central to that singular moment. Unlike much of Chazelle’s previous work, this film is not prepared to merely bow down to a narrative of genius.

8. Private Life - (Tamara Jenkins)

A masterclass in performance and writing from start to finish, Tamara Jenkins’ long overdue return to directing balances divergent tones throughout in a film that is jam-packed with humanity. Telling the story of a couple desperately trying everything within their power to have a child, Jenkins’ film runs through the full gamut of emotions, although it’s more than comfortable in spending prolonged spells on the extremes of uproariously hilarious and heartbreakingly crushing.

Kathryn Hahn and Paul Giamatti anchor the drama with great warmth and a genuinely believable love, while the supporting performances on the margins jump off the screen to provide no doubt as to the authenticity of this world. Private Life is the kind of intelligent and instantly relatable every day drama that rarely makes its way to the big screen any more. It’s also perhaps the strongest evidence in a long time for why cinema should be eager for these stories not to be consigned to the realm of TV drama.

7. Burning - (Lee Chang-dong)

Burning is a mystery in every sense of the word. As a result, it arguably offers the purest dose of suspense that’s been seen on the big screen in quite some time. A sense of unease arises early in the film and only becomes more and more smothering as the action progresses. The lines are entirely blurred between the innocuous and ominous, and even by the film’s dramatic conclusion, for many they’ll remain equally unresolved.

In part, that’s the magic of Burning. It’s a film that not only drags the audience along with it on its journey, but displays a remarkable sense of confidence and control in doing so. The three leading performances in the film are spectacular, but Steven Yeun, in particular, is a revelation. Yeun’s Ben may be an incredibly sinister and manipulative villain, but it’s not a stretch to imagine his Gatsby-like figure being exactly who he presents himself as too. The film must be considered through the prism of the literary aspirations of its protagonist, Jong-su, and that creates valid suspicion. Regardless, Burning is an exquisitely crafted psychological drama and examination of social status along the Korean border, with equally stunning visuals to match.

6. Cold War - (Pawel Pawlikowski)

Inspired by his own parents’ love story, Pawel Pawlikowski took the intimate framing and crisp black and white of his Academy Award winning Ida, and applied it beautifully to a sweeping, European romance. Such is the power of cinema that Cold War feels truly epic. That’s all the more impressive considering it’s a deeply personal story captured in close quarters, which also zips in at a notably punchy 85-minute run time.

Combined with Lukasz Zal’s phenomenal cinematography, it’s clear that Pawlikowski has crafted a winning style. Still, the story is essential in providing the substance and, in this case, it’s thoroughly engrossing. Joanna Kulig is truly magnetic as the single-minded and enigmatic Zula, while Tomasz Kot carries himself with the effortless charisma and dignity of the archetypal, classic leading man as he embodies Wiktor. Every frame in the film would look at home in an art gallery, and yet Cold War carries memorable moments of substance beyond its aesthetic pleasures. Just as important to mention is the fact I never knew I needed Eastern European folk music in my life, and then this film’s enchanting songs took up permanent residence in my head.

5. Roma - (Alfonso Cuaron)

A true cinematic master, Alfonso Cuaron combined the bracing humanity of Y Tu Mamá También with the technical mastery of Children of Men to produce the most personal film of his career. In that regard, Roma may well live on to be viewed as Cuaron’s truly definitive work. This film captures the spirit that infuses his wider filmography with so much exuberance and life, while telling a story that has so much resonance in its own right.

A tribute to the childhood maid that raised him, Roma shines a light on the struggles of indigenous Mexican people, and the class and cultural divides that have long existed in Mexico City. Driven by an outstanding, naturalistic performance from first-time actress Yalitza Aparicio as Cleo, the film’s deliberate pacing provides the audience with the truest sense of the world in which its set, and the routines of its protagonist. Of course, it does this in a fashion which few other living filmmakers could dream of replicating. Cuaron’s camerawork is out of this world, particularly in the film’s two main set pieces, but just as relevant to the discussion that surrounded its Netflix release was the remarkably immersive sound design. I was lucky enough to catch Roma on the big screen, and there’s no doubt that it made the film an even greater cinematic spectacle. Having said that, the emotion at the heart of the film is deeply affecting, and it will therefore connect on screens of all shapes and sizes for decades to come.

4. If Beale Street Could Talk - (Barry Jenkins)

If Beale Street Could Talk is not only Barry Jenkins’ first film since his Oscar win for Moonlight, but it’s also the first English-language adaptation of a James Baldwin work. Combined, those elements make for an enormous weight of pressure and expectation, and yet Jenkins was more than up to the challenge of delivering beyond even the loftiest of expectations. Much like Moonlight, this is a perfect match of filmmaker and subject matter. Jenkins is undeniably ascending toward the status of being the premier cinematic chronicler of the African American experience. It’s particularly vital for that specific lens to his work to never be overlooked, either, as it gets right to the heart of the essential truths of his films.

Still, it all derives from a deeper understanding of emotion, society and relationships that ensure Jenkins’ cinema is also imbued with a layer of universality. Jenkins is a filmmaker of great empathy, and his collaborations with cinematographer James Laxton have seen him develop into the modern master of the close-up. Faces have rarely looked as rich and expressive as they do under Jenkins’ gaze, and it’s likely no coincidence that actors seem to find another gear for their performances under his watch. For this film, those elements all combine for a story rich with romance and tragedy, and one that’s sadly as relevant today as it was when Baldwin published the novel in 1974. To cap things off, Nicholas Britell’s score finds the most extraordinary balance between soaring romance and Herrmann-esque dread to emerge as cinema’s best soundtrack of the year.

3. Leave No Trace - (Debra Granik)

Debra Granik returns with her first feature since Winter’s Bone effectively launched Jennifer Lawrence’s career, and it was undoubtedly worth the wait. A quiet film with an ultimately pointed and heartbreaking message, Leave No Trace affords the leafy green environs of the Pacific Northwest the kind of breathing space society seems so unwilling to offer the film’s father and daughter duo.

Played by Ben Foster and Thomasin McKenzie respectively, there’s an arresting resilience and tenderness to the central relationship of Will and Tom. Living in public parks and deserted woodlands, Will and Tom don’t conform to the cut and dry definitions of family and home that the authorities around them are intent on enforcing upon them. Part of the magic of Granik’s film comes in the way it gradually channels the viewer to see things from their perspective. Why can’t contented people, doing no harm to others, be allowed to live in a manner of their choosing? Of course, the conversation is much more complex of that, and so, as Granik’s film ultimately reveals, is the telling of it in this case. On the whole, Leave No Trace is a truly mesmeric meditation on the impact of trauma, familial love and societal norms. Buoyed by McKenzie, who delivers one of the most astonishing performances of the year, it’s not a film that can be easily forgotten.

2. Minding the Gap - (Bing Liu)

It’s become unsurprisingly fashionable for American cinema to attempt to explain the ascendance of Trump, and the country’s wider social challenges, with on the nose films that offer minimal real depth or insight. Minding the Gap doesn’t fall into those same traps, though, largely because it seems like it never originally had aspirations to be as profound as it ultimately proved to be. As it turns out, simply charting the lives of a group of skateboarding friends over an extended period of time provides a fascinating look into the struggles of youth, and the baggage of history and circumstance, in small, forgotten towns.

Directed by Bing Liu, one of the aforementioned skateboarders, Minding the Gap’s subject matter ultimately proves to be remarkably complex and far-reaching for a 93-minute documentary set on the streets and in the homes of Rockford, Illinois. The young men’s interconnected lives ultimately give way to a shared history of previously undiscussed struggles. Among the young men’s commonalities are exposure to domestic abuse, experiences shaped by race, immense financial struggle, the confusion of modern masculinity, and, of course, a passion for skateboarding. There’s certainly some optimism to be found here, but there’s also an overwhelming sense of sadness for how these young men have been shaped by past acts and histories that were always beyond their control. If you wanted to even try to explain America in 2019, understanding those challenges would be essential. In truth, though, the same difficulties could be applied, and used as explainers for social issues, across the wider Western world. This is a deeply human story and, I’d argue, the year’s most touching film.

1. First Reformed - (Paul Schrader)

I’m not sure how many people were expecting it, but at 72-years-old, Paul Schrader remains one of cinema’s most vital and striking voices. With a deep well of cinematic knowledge to draw from, First Reformed sees Schrader borrow liberally from many of the form’s great masters, while still crafting an incredible story that is undeniably spoken in his own abrasive tone. Bergman’s Winter Light, Dreyer’s Ordet and Bresson’s Diary of a Country Priest are blatantly obvious inspirations, but the voice of Taxi Driver’s Travis Bickle, Schrader’s own most famous creation, is equally present in the character of Reverend Ernst Toller.

Toller is played masterfully by Ethan Hawke in the best performance of what’s already been a rich and fascinating career. A clearly measured and reasonable man, Toller’s journey ultimately brings him to breaking point as those around him ignore his message in the same way that he attempts to turn a blind eye to his ailing health. Schrader’s writing tackles global warming, and the prospect of impending doom that accompanies it, in the kind of blunt and unflinching terms that should now be unavoidable but tragically remains all too rare. By the same token, as Toller begs for consideration of whether God can forgive for the damage done to the earth, his preachings fall on the deaf ears of an immensely selfish world. In Schrader’s mind, there’s no question that drastic times call for drastic measures.

Even with such an urgent message, a fantastic script, and a generational lead performance, First Reformed wouldn’t be as great as it is without its stunning array of visuals. The film’s visual treats range from extreme close-ups that make a map out of Hawke’s wrinkled forehead, to the electric and lustrous pink of Toller’s heartburn medicine as it mixes with his whiskey, and to the vivid anger of the early morning sky. Quite simply, it’s a feast for the eyes, a jolt for the mind, and an assault on the soul.

[eggoreviews]

10 Most Anticipated Releases for (the rest of) 2018

I’m excited about a lot of things. So are a lot of other people. So this list shoves all of the music, films, games and TV shows scheduled for release this year that I’m most excited about into one handy list. Enjoy some content and let me know if one of your faves is in here too!

Also, yes the picture is just a switch, but this list does still contain stuff other than games. What else do you put as a picture here other than like a stock image of what year it is? Idk I like putting pictures here, it keeps up an aesthetic u feel

10. Super Mario Party (Release date: October 5th)

Okay so I’m pretty much a sucker for anything Nintendo based at the minute, especially since I only just got a Switch and I really have a lot of catching up to do (still haven’t played Zelda or Mario Odyssey) and the only Mario Party game I’ve ever played is the one where you’re in the car that everyone seems to hate. So while this isn’t the most hyped thing on my radar, or anyone’s radar really, I’m still pretty excited to see the newest addition of what is basically just a Mario board game.

Hey at least Waluigi is playable in this.

9. Hotel Artemis (Release date: July 20th)

This film looks fuckin great. I always talk about going to see a film on a whim because it looks kinda cool, but never do considering how far away my nearest cinema is. But for this one, I think I’ll make the effort. I mean, a film about a criminal hospital that has Dave Bautista, Jodie Foster and Jeff Goldblum in it? And also Gazelle from Kingsman? Big yes.

8. Doctor Who Series 11 (Release date: Probably the autumn or something)

I’ve been a fan of this show since I was basically a toddler and have loved to bits every one of the modern doctors so far. So now we’re finally getting a woman in the role, that’s something to be very, very excited about. And also three companions? Yeah this series will be good and I’m ready for it.

7. Mario Kart 8 Deluxe DLC (Release date: A day that isn’t today)

I was 100% sure that Nintendo weren’t doing any more content for MK considering it’s a port, but there was a reveal on a Nintendo Twitter account that there’s some content coming soon. This is actually one of two Switch games I own right now (pls send me games) so new content would be cool, hopefully in the form of some new characters and courses. Give me Funky Kong and the Waluigi Pinball course and I’ll be a very happy bean.

6. Ant-Man and the Wasp (Release date: August 3rd)

I know literally everyone in the world has already seen this but I’ve still got a couple of weeks before the new Marvel boi and I’m really excited to see where everything goes. As much as Antman was never my absolute fave, I’m hyped to see Hope take on a more central role this time. Plus that salt shaker fight from the trailer has got to be worth a watch.

5. The Walking Dead: The Final Season (Release date: August 14th)

As I mentioned in my Walking Dead themed post, I’ve been spending a lot of time catching up on missed seasons of this amazing set of game series and have now finally finished the Michonne miniseries. So I’m really excited to see how Clem’s story wraps up and whether or not any of the AWOL characters will return.

4. Life Is Strange 2 (Release date: September 27th)

Here’s another series of games that made me feel a lot of emotions back in the first game’s release in 2015. There was just something so powerful about the cheesily-written characters, hard hitting storylines and a perfect indie soundtrack that just struck every nerve for me. So after a slightly disappointing prequel in last year’s Before the Storm, I’m happy that Dontnod are taking the reins again for this one. Also, if you haven’t played the Captain Spirit prequel yet, it’s amazing and also it’s free. V much worth your time.

3. ‘Simulation Theory’ by Muse (Release date: November)

Muse were my favourite band for a long ass time and are still definitely one of my favourites so I’m very, very excited for our first album since 2015′s Drones, which feels like forever ago. I’ve loved all the singles from the album so far, especially Thought Contagion. The single Something Human, which literally came out today, continues this weird 80s dystopian vibe they’ve got going on with this and I’m here for it. It’s kind of shaping up to be one of their strongest efforts yet. (Also, Simulation Theory isn’t the confirmed title, it’s just what a lot of people deciphered and it makes the most sense so I’m running with it)

2. Bastille’s Third Album (Release date: Late summer?)

Another contender for favourite band status, Bastille’s debut quickly became one of my favourite albums and 2016′s Wild World only cemented their place as an all-time fave. We’ve already had some pretty great albums this year (Mania, Pray For The Wicked, The Now Now), but with Quarter Past Midnight being a certified bop, I am seriously excited to see what else they’ve come up with this time.

I promise u I’m definitely not a more biased Watchmojo clone in blog form but here’s some hONORABLE MENTIONS:

Spyro Reignited Trilogy (Release date: September 21st)

Fallout 76, even though I’m still a lil bit cautious of this one (Release date: November 14th)

Daredevil Season 3 (Release date: Whenever it comes out I guess)

1. Super Smash Bros. Ultimate (Release date: December 7th)

If you’ve seen a single one of my other blog posts, you’ll know how overly excited I am for this. I’m a more casual player so most of my excitement comes through potential newcomers, but even with the game as it stands, it’s looking to be pretty good. My hype for this game is basically endless (pls give us Rayman I will die happy if that happens)

What are you excited for that’s happenin’ in the rest of 2018? Send me a thing if u have any. Also, if the Walking Dead games are your thing I’ve got a post right here listing all the characters I want to see return. Have fun!

Thank for reading!

[helshades]

Hey I know it's been a while since you did any of those, but your Loki meta were always some of my favorites. I was wondering whether you had any opinion on whether Loki is going to be a villain or allied with Thanos in Infinity War - that is, if you've seen the trailer?

Oi! My Marvel-related meta isn’t that remote, I’ll have you know! Sure, I am, as is customary, horridly late on my prompts list, but the movie is only two months old and we’re very lacking in clean screen captures for the moment—the DVD and BluRay are to be released in February, if I’m not mistaken.

Most of all, the fandom is so damn slooow. Well, I guess it isn’t that much if what truly rocks your boat is a sugar-daddy kink involving Jeff Goldblum & Tom Hiddleston or your sole interest in worldbuilding lies within the chemical making of the type of lubricant no one ever uses in slash fiction…

Anyway, I see where you come from, Nonny dearest, I’ve seen the uproar after that Kevin Feige interview got slightly misinterpreted and have been pointedly avoiding the related tags since, although that was pretty hypocritical of me, all things considered, as I didn’t exactly shy away from commenting myself. In this case:

Omelete is a Brazilian entertainment outlet which covered Brazil’s Comic Con Experience on December 7–10 and got a little, er, creative with what Kevin Feige had to tell the attending crowd. What he actually said:

Interviewer: ‘Does [Thanos] have company?’

Kevin Feige: 'He’s got some company. There’s some old faces that you’ll recognize.  A certain brother of Thor might show up for a while.’

As early as the release of The Avengers in 2012, Kevin Feige has confirmed Loki’s presence in the then-only-just-planned Infinity War storyline, perhaps under Joss Whedon’s impulse—Whedon had wanted to bring him back as the very first villain the Avengers would have to face and it was never too certain that the character had been intended to survive the events of the first Thor movie in the first place.

And as early as back in 2012, as soon as they saw Thanos turning to grin at his minion and the audience in that infamous Avengers post-credit scene, a sizeable amount of comicbook readers began suspecting that the immediate fan favourite trickster would come to play in the expanding Marvel Cinematic Universe the same role, or very similar, that comicbook character Mephisto played alongside Thanos in his quest for the Infinity Gems… In fact, when we first got official confirmation that there would be an Infinity War film, many assumed that there would soon be a Cinematic version of Mephisto.

Mephisto is, unquestionably, a villain, but he played advisor to Thanos to gain the Titan’s trust, with a plan to snatch the Gauntlet from him and gain its infinite power for himself—which, of course, failed miserably… but Thanos ended up keeping him around for his personal amusement.

Quite frankly, it’s hard not placing Loki, ever the opportunist, in this role, or if you would prefer a slightly nobler course for him, let’s go with the general suspicion here and posit that he will be reluctant to go along with Thanos for however long he shall, and that he will do it to save not only himself but his brother as well, and possibly, probably, his people—how little Thanos might have left of it… And, the general sentiment is that Loki will double-cross Thanos at some point, and either try to run away with the Gauntlet or help Thor, if not the re-assembled Avengers as a whole, into vanquishing him.

As far as I’m concerned, at this hour it seems rather unlikely that Loki would verse into complete evil and I reckon we may safely state that if he truly has to stand by Thanos’ side, it won’t be too readily or with much conviction; and at the very least he’s going to try to escape at the first occasion.

When he does… well, the thing is, considering how crowded Infinity War is going to be, I’m not sure the Russo brothers will have that much time to cram a convoluted Loki-related subplot and he might actually only get a glorified cameo—which, no matter how frustrating it may be, participates in the harsh reality of a shared universe. If it helps, I really don’t think he’ll be killed in this film, either. After all, that character is something of a cow milk for Marvel and, besides feeling a tad repetitive, any death of his would seriously detract the audience from whatever is happening onscreen…

Either way, I’m all in for Loki spying on Thanos and being a reluctant Avenger of sorts at some point. I’m as eager to see some people’s reaction as I am to see Clint Barton get a few arrows into him. Loki, not Thanos. Thanos, too. But Loki first, definitely.

[hetmusic]

A conversation with Declan McKenna | HumanHuman

We’ve been on the tail of young and undeniably talented songwriter Declan Mckenna for over a year now since the release of his incredibly popular debut single “Brazil”. Over the past few months, he’s developed a reputation of one of the music industry brightest talents and a knack for tackling life’s tough subjects. From anti-FIFA feelings in “Brazil” to highlighting the hardships of young transgender people in “Paracetamol” to damning religion’s grip on war in newest release “Bethlehem”, his interest in the world’s flaw are evident.

The seventeen-year-old Brit was labelled as a Promising Artist a year ago following Crack in the Road’s spot-on discovery and a slew of agrees from some of our most influential users. The support for this emerging musician is clear, and so we wanted to ask Mckenna a few questions about what this rise to the realm of known music has been like.

I remember when I first heard your music, which was the song “Brazil”, and I thought “this is the best football-related song I’ve ever heard!”

[Starts laughing] thank you!

What sparked the need to write it?

It was a bit of a weird one. I generally come up with the melodies and guitar riffs before I come up with any lyrics, so first I had this guitar riff that I really liked and then I came up with the melody but didn’t have any words for it. Then it kind of just happened! I started hearing things about the FIFA World Cup and the corruption around it. I don’t really know why or how it happened, but I ended up writing a song about it and it turned out to be the one that I recorded and released. I was just seeing all this stuff around and like most songs, I was hearing so much about it that I couldn’t really avoid writing about it.

Well you say like most songs, but it’s a pretty unique subject!

I guess so… I mean the weird thing is that when I wrote it, I didn’t expect anyone to hear it! I just wrote what I wanted to. It was just me being like “hey, this isn’t right” and then writing a song about it.

I’ve seen that the YouTube video for “Brazil” has over a million views. Did you expect the song to be so successful?

Not at all. It’s crazy and I did not expect that to come from one song I recorded in summer at a university. I made the video for it with a couple of friends in Brixton, just because we wanted to and now you’ve seen the views - it’s like, what the hell! It’s amazing and I couldn’t expect that kind of reaction to anything I’ve made. Now, I get to go to loads of places and play shows, which is great!

We kind of have to mention the Sky News interview, which is pretty cool in itself, but one thing that stuck out to me was that you said “I want to be a musician”, rather than “I am a musician.” Does that mean it still feels like it isn’t official yet?

Well, that interview was quite a while ago. Of course, a musician is a person who plays music, but for me, it’s about being a musician in a career sense. Right now, I’m just the kind of musician who plays some instruments [laughs] I don’t see it as a career yet… I mean, it sort of is, but it’s still such early days. I feel like it hasn’t really hit me yet.

Obviously you’re seventeen now, but when your music first came out you were sixteen -

Fifteen!

Wow, fifteen? Okay! Well, do you think age affects the way that people perceive your music?

It can be quite patronizing a lot of the time, just the way that people assume things. It’s normally by accident and it’s not like people are being rude or anything, but it can be quite frustrating when everything is put down to your age. People might say, “oh, that must be because of his hormones.” [laughs] It’s weird how frequent I get stuff like that. I’m like, “really?! Do you not remember being a teenager?” That’s the thing, like yeah, I am a teenager, but my entire life doesn’t revolve around that fact. Being a teenager is something that I am, but that’s it! [laughing] It’s not really that deep.

Looking back again, last year you won Glastonbury’s Emerging Talent competition. How significant has that been to your career so far?

I feel like the initial audition process for that did a lot more for me. Obviously, the competition was great, and I got a write-up in NME, which I had never had before, but in the auditions the dude who was handling the letter D entries passed on my name to a load of people and I feel like that was one of the earliest things that started pushing my music, as opposed to the actual competition and the outcome, which was more public. Although, both of those things have done crazy stuff for me! I’m pretty glad I did that. It’s weird because a lot of musicians shy away from competitions, and so do I, but I feel like that one was cool because the prize was literally a Glastonbury slot! It was a great decision because a lot of this stuff wouldn't have happened for me otherwise.

You mentioned the NME review there that described the Glastonbury show as a great performance, so have you been playing live shows for a long time?

Well then I’d been playing on my own for a couple of years just with a loop pedal, but now it’s all changed. I’ve got a band, mostly as a four-piece, but for the last few shows it’s been as a five-piece. It’s been cool playing with a band, I much prefer that. I’m all about the live shows and we’ve been playing quite a lot.

Would you say that playing live is your favourite part of being a musician?

Yeah, definitely! It’s a lot less stressful playing as a group. I find that performances are the most fun part. Everything else feels like build up to shows for me.

A lot of people do talk about how the music industry relies on live shows now.

Oh yeah, because of streaming and people aren’t buying records as much. We need to have people at shows or buying merch in order to be actually making money from the industry.

Or be Adele, then you’re alright.

[Laughs] yeah, or that!

I was listening to your music and I think my favourite song of yours is “Brew”, simply because it shows a more experimental side to your music and those guitars in the first half reminded me of The xx. I was wondering, are you often compared to other musicians?

Yeah, I get Jake Bugg a lot, which I don’t really understand. It’s like people think seventeen-year-old from the UK who plays guitar - Jake Bugg! Or Jamie T, which I also don’t get, because he like half raps and I’m not even close to that. That was one of the things about releasing my second single, to be completely different from the first one, because I just hated being compared to these other artists. Then people were like Vampire Weekend! It’s an odd one being compared because sometimes you get really good ones too. I once got Jeff Buckley, that’s such a compliment! My entire life and career is based around Jeff Buckley.

“My entire life and career is based around Jeff Buckley.”— Declan Mckenna

That actually brings me on to my next question, because I was going to ask you which artists have been most prominent for you?

Jeff Buckley is everyone’s musician, but also more importantly he’s a musician’s musician. All musicians are inspired by Jeff Buckley, and it’s the same with David Bowie who is probably one of my biggest influences in music. The Beatles too, who I love. I guess these days some more modern bands are St Vincent, TV On The Radio, Sufjan Stevens.

Oh I love him, especially Carrie & Lowell.

That’s an amazing an album! My favourite album of his is The Age of Adz, which is this really crazy industrial one.

There were the State ones too.

Yeah, he did Illinois and Michigan.

I prefer Illinois.

Yeah, Illinois is better. It has that song “Chicago” on it, that’s such a great song. I feel like that song inspired so much music after that. Bands like Elbow and even Coldplay were massively influenced by that one song.

And yet not enough people know about Sufjan!

Yeah, again it’s like he’s a musician’s musician or people who are really into music are really into Sufjan Stevens. Outside of that I don’t even know that many people who like his music. He headlined End of the Road last year which was pretty cool, which is wish I could have seen.

To go back to your music and to the track “Paracetamol”. It’s an incredibly catchy song, but with a really serious message, so why were you drawn to this struggle of young transgender people?

It was this story that was really prominent on social media, which as a teenager is something that’s quite prominent in my life. It never really got any mainstream media coverage and I was just like, why?

That was Leelah’s Law?

Leelah’s Law, yeah. There’s so much depressing news going on and although that story was sad, the message which Leelah gave in the Tumblr post that she did was very hopeful, and it wasn’t covered anywhere. I wanted to say something about it. It took a couple of months to figure out exactly what I wanted to song to be about, but once I had the idea for that, I pretty much wrote it in a day and then played it at a gig on that night. It wasn’t the finished product of the song and I came up with a couple of other bits afterwards, but yeah it was another one that happened quite quickly once I figured out what it was.

The video focusses on two fifteen-year-old protagonists trying to find their feet and their position in life, do you think it’s important to give a voice to young people and teenagers with your music?

This is something I’ve been thinking about recently. There’s not a lot of young artists who actually represent young people in a genuine way, and not in a way that’s exaggerated or overdone. In the last few years we’ve had a couple, like Earl Sweatshirt who is a role model for young and mixed-race people, and all the stuff he talks about is so honest, so relatable for people who are in similar positions to him or people who have been oppressed because of the way they are. Also Archie Marshall and his project King Krule, which I feel is a lot closer to home for me. However, I feel like right now at this moment, there’s not many artists who do that. I think it is important, not that I would compare myself lyrically to either of those artists. Loyle Carner is one that is definitely, definitely a voice for young people, even if a lot of his stories are about his personal life, but he’s very inspiring. Of course it’s important for young people to have a voice, to be given a voice and to tell stories about young people that aren’t patronizing or overdone and from the perspective of people who are actually young rather than it being written by a forty-year-old or whatever.

“There’s not a lot of young artists who actually represent young people in a genuine way, and not in a way that’s exaggerated or overdone.”— Declan Mckenna

I guess even if they try their hardest, it risks coming across as patronizing.

Exactly, it’s never real. In some ways there is a surge in young talent coming up, but I’d like to see more of it and more of it that’s genuine and represents me and other kids like me.

One really young artist I can think of is Billie Eilish, who was thirteen-years-old when her song “Ocean Eyes” came out.

Wow! I don’t think I’ve heard that. That’s insane, I’ll have to check her out.

So, what theme - political, cultural or otherwise - would you like to take on next?

I don’t know… there’s so much going on! There’s just so much to write about that now I feel like I have the problem of choosing something. I feel like I need to write a song about George Osborne because he’s such a prick! Maybe something more English this time round, because I tend to write about events that have happened in other countries and I haven’t done anything about home politics yet. There’s obviously a lot of stuff going on at the minute with that, you know, Corbyn and Cameron giving it large. Honestly, I’m not sure, because I generally just go “okay, I’m going to write about this” and I do it in like ten seconds. I guess we’ll see, although I’d like to write a kind of happier song. Most of my songs tend to be quite hopeful but with dark undertones, so I’d like to write something slightly happier.

You’re right, the songs don’t necessarily come across as unhappy, although the subject matter might be quite serious. They’re not really depressing in any way.

That’s one thing I’ve taken from The Beatles and David Bowie, because they write songs that sound really happy but actually have a serious undertone. Songs like “Oh You Pretty Things” by David Bowie and “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer” by The Beatles are quite child-like and playful, but are genuinely good songs and serious.

Finally, can we expect a debut record anytime soon?

Early next year. I’m going to say that, but honestly, I can’t say exactly when because I don’t know! I’m going to finish recording it this summer though.

https://humanhuman.com/articles/interview-declan-mckenna

[yangingaround]

What could RT be thinking putting BMBLB there while they just put two songs earlier for Blake and monkey-boy? Also, making Blake blush at monkey-boy's antics and having him as a date in the school dance and all that winking-flirting shiz. And now they're trying to push through with BB? Are they doing it for the views and for milking out from fans? That's just not cool. Building up BS and teasing BB now...unless you could prove me wrong here...?

okay, this got long

well, to counter your first point, they didn’t put two songs earlier for Blake and Sun

Not Fall In Love With You wasn’t written for the show, it was a song Jeff wrote back in his boy band days that he just wanted to use (and the scene it’s used in you can barely hear it anyway), it’s a very, very generic, one-sided love song - i mean look at the lyrics of it and try to think of any time they would work for Blake/Sun; hell, try and make sense of it in the context of Sun’s character, he’s not exactly the type to say “You’re my PYT/My cherie amour”

Like Morning Follows Night, from what we’ve heard of it, while it’s about the two of them, isn’t a love song. it’s clearly following the same argument they had throughout volume 4, Blake haunted and chased by her past and Sun refusing to leave her alone and being dismissive of her past and her want for space. we’ve had about half the song so far and the word love isn’t even used once (it also contains the line ‘i won’t endanger one more friend’)

by comparison, the 30 seconds we’ve got so far of BMBLB makes it undeniably a love song and undeniably about Blake and Yang because they are the only Bumblebee actually mentioned in the show

Blake blushed at all of one antic, and that’s when he was pointing her out in front of a huge crowd - mild embarrassment and flattery are a reasonable explanation for that

date for the school dance? Blake specifically said she was technically going with him - because they were arriving together and she was throwing him a bone because he’d asked her before - but her first dance, with Yang, was spoken for

and the winking-flirting stuff was all one-sided on Sun’s part - but don’t forget, Yang has winked at and made flirty comments to Blake in the past too

there is very little build-up to Blake/Sun, it’s incredibly shallow (because Sun is an incredibly shallow character with the bare rudiments of a personality, minimal backstory and no motivations beyond ‘gravitate around Blake’), Sun spends most of their shared screen-time annoying her (and rightfully so because he keeps making fun of her and not respecting her space or privacy) and Blake’s made a point in the past that she wants to be seen for who she is, not what. Sun’s reasons for liking Blake are as follows, “she’s a Faunus, she’s pretty, she’s a good fighter” - these are all what reasons, and the one (1) comment he has made about her personality has been this: “Where’s Blake, she still being all Blakey?” - he frames her then bad temper, brought on by her issues and the sheer exhaustion caused by it, as a problem inherent to her personality, and something he clearly doesn’t like and doesn’t want to deal with, as he asks this in an expectant tone like he thinks someone on her team should have dealt with it already

Yang meanwhile clearly understands Blake on a level no other character is shown to, which is why she was the one to get through to her at her lowest point, and her compliments towards Blake once they get to know each other are about who Blake is - “I love it when you’re feisty!” “You’re never one to back down from a challenge”

Blake is also always serious when interacting with Sun, we don’tsee her silly side, where she joins in on the fun like we do when she’s around Yang - Sun’s goofing around tends to piss Blake off more, because it’s usually inappropriate to the moment and/or at someone elses expense

Blake and Yang have had numerous moments across the series, in each others company - they care deeply about one another and their narratives are now wholly intertwined by what Adam, Blake’s ex who Yang has numerous parallels (but ultimately contrasts) with, did to them. a scene that deliberately used the word ‘love’ when Adam was threatening Blake just before Yang appeared (and Yang was the one to run to Blake when she heard Blake was fighting the White Fang, Sun, meanwhile, was right there and didn’t react, so…), and is framed very much as ‘old flame vs new flame’. that the scenes are using similar story tools as the ones used with Pyrrha/Jaune (a trend across volumes 2 and 3, nearly every Pyrrha/Jaune scene happens close to a Blake/Yang scene or scenes - with parallels and similar themes in these scenes. for example, in Burning the Candle, the Blake/Yang scene has Yangopening up to Blake about her past and being supportive and encouraging of Blake, and then making a lighthearted, open offer of a dance at the end. these are paralleled in Pyrrha opening up about how lonely her fame has made her at the dance, Pyrrha offering support and encouragement to Jaune during their training session and when he’s about to go ask Weiss to the dance again, and then Jaune making the lighthearted joke about wearing a dress. both lighthearted joke promises are also kept - Blake takes Yang up on the offer of a dance, she didn’t have to, arriving at the dance would’ve been enough, but they danced, likewise, Jaune kept his word and put on a dress because Pyrrha didn’t get a date, and Pyrrha says that he didn’t have to) which absolutely had a canon basis

when Yang talks about what they lost in the battle of Beacon, it’s very clear that Blake leaving without explanation hit her the worst. when Blake brings up her team at the end of volume 4, she explicitly says she loves them more than she ever thought she could love anyone (and ‘anyone’ would include Sun there), and there’s hesitation and her voice cracks when she mentions Yang - her feelings there are clearly more complex than with the rest of her team

for what could be considered ‘build up’ for Blake/Sun, there is far more for Blake/Yang, and on top of that, Yang does not annoy Blake - Blake being around Yang also immediately marked a change in her character, she ‘brightened up’ and joined in the silliness of Yang and Ruby within 24 hours of their team being official, Yang breaks through to Blake in Burning the Candle when she’s in a very dark place (Gray Haddock, head of RT animation, voice of Roman and was a producer on the show, even said in the commentary for that episode that Yang is light and Blake is in shadows, and Yang lights up Blake’s darkness - which fits her name as Yang means ‘light’ or ‘sun’)

little sidenote - but they do have that perfect little yin-yang thing going on, Yang is light, Blake is darkness (Yang has blonde hair and purple eyes, Blake has black hair and yellow eyes), Yang has that sunny disposition but she hides a lot of hurt, Blake is dark and brooding but has a lighter, sillier side. the two also have symbols that resemble flames. they’re complementary, they have contrasts and similarities and they clicked from the moment Blake chose Yang as her partner in the forest. Blake and Sun don’t have that, because his name means ‘monkey’, his theming is that he’s a monkey (it’s even his symbol), and that’s it

and i don’t know if you’ve been paying attention to the cast and crew but, Blake/Yang comes up a lot with them - Arryn and Barb, their actresses, have always vocally supported the ship (and once on her youtube channel before she closed it, Arryn was asked if she preferred Adam or Sun as a romantic option for Blake and refused to pick because she doesn’t like either of them and she’s said before that Blake/Yang is the only one that makes sense to her), Gray Haddock when on the Fan Service podcast has said that it’s one of his favourite ships in all of media. there’s a t-shirt for the ship, there are numerous teases to it in Chibi (by comparison, Blake has interacted with Sun all of once in that show, and there was one gag where she mistook Jaune for Sun while being very disinterested in him), the advertising for Chibi season 2 had this, and in general, whenever ships for the show come up, Blake/Yang is almost always mentioned alongside Ren/Nora and Pyrrha/Jaune. by comparison, Blake/Sun rarely, if ever, comes up

so this ‘teasing’ doesn’t come out of nowhere with no buildup when they’ve been talking about it for years, but this is almost always dismissed as just ‘trolling the fans’. but RT don’t have a history of ‘trolling the fans’ with their scripted content - at least not in such a malicious way (because doing this just to pull the rug out would be queerbaiting at this point). but consider the opposite, consider that they might be trolling the fans in a different way and have heterobaited Blake/Sun. if you’re willing to believe they would tease Blake/Yang so hard just to “troll the fans” you have to be willing to believe they would do the same with Blake/Sun

from the beginning, RT have been talking about including LGBT characters in the show, that the LGBT characters are here already and as the show goes on and these characters discover more about themselves, this will come to light. doing this, representing not only a big chunk of their fanbase, but also their openly LGBT employees, cast and crew would be fantastic. last year in their other shows they had LGBT characters, Day 5 had Ally, one of the protagonists and driving force of half the plot, who was a lesbian. RvB14 had a two part story with two lesbians in leadership roles and another story which revealed that Epsilon-Church (one of the core characters of the entire franchise) is bisexual - representation matters and while they’ve dropped the ball before, they’re aware of it and they’re trying to take strides (even if those strides should be larger)

so i highly doubt it’d be for ‘views and milking it’ especially as the fanbase is already there and ready for it, and at this point, backing out would be queerbaiting and cause a veritable shitstorm, which they’re going to be keenly aware of

what we’ve heard from BMBLB is that it’s a love song from the perspective of one half of the ship. we’ve seen these before in Boop and Dream Come True, and those came into their own in later volumes, so in including BMBLB on the volume 4 soundtrack, they’re suggesting that, well, not only is Yang definitely LGBT, but that the ship will be coming in and developing romantically over the next couple volumes

[tinseltine]

RECAP of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association 76th Annual GOLDEN GLOBE AWARDS

Tinsel & Tine's

RECAP of the Hollywood Foreign Press 76th Annual GOLDEN GLOBE AWARDS

by Le Anne Lindsay, Editor It was nice to return to the revelry of lighter spirits at the Golden Globes, after last year's all black red carpet, women's movement take over; not that I didn't approve, but the seriousness of what was happening didn't exactly make for a party. This year the emphasis was back on the free flowing champagne, where it ought to be.  Hosted by Andy Sandberg and Sandra Oh, the pair delivered a cute opening bit consisting of supposedly dissing on the celebrities, with effusive praise.  There was a lot of congratulations on the diversity in the room, on stage and nominated. And a number of gorgeous gowns, so let's get to our red carpet picks...

The red carpet for me is ageless, if you are slaying, you are slaying! I absolutely fell in love with Patricia Clarkson in this tangerine confection by Georges Chakra Couture. It's not only a spectacular dress, but it's perfect for her spirit and figure.  Congrats Patty on your Golden Globe for Sharp Objects.

On first look at both of these choices I said not feeling it. Then looked again and was like, ya know what? these do work for each of the actresses and the designs themselves.  Good job Julia Roberts in Stella McCartney and Constance Wu in Vera Wang

No one is going to deny Lady Gaga won the red carpet hands down. It's just too easy to give her best dressed, but yes, Gaga wearing that larger-than-life periwinkle Valentino dress will not soon be forgotten.  And I like that she did not forget one of her Star is Born, predecessors by wearing a gown inspired by one Judy Garland wore to the Oscars in 1954.

I guess we'll never know what spell of magical whimsy got into Glenn Close (Armani Privé) and Melissa McCarthy (Reem Acra) to inspire these choices on the red carpet, but any way, Congrats Glenn on the Golden Globe for Best Actress - Drama for The Wife

Anne Hathaway (Elie Saab) usually comes correct on the red carpet, so I don't mind chastising her on this trailer park trash comes to Hollywood look, which I'm sure she regrets. I do feel bad about putting Elisabeth Moss (Christian Dior Haute Couture) on this list 1) because I love her and 2) because all the designers who dressed her gave a donation to a charity called RAD, however, she looks damn awkward in this dress, it's just not flattering. I know it's wrong to make fun of a kid on her first red carpet outing, but who decided Elsie Fisher (Kenzo/Lonchamp) would look good as one of Santa's Elves out on Epiphany. I have no sympathy for Judy Greer, this was not a fun risk, this was made for ridicule.

It goes without saying these women of color only know how to bring it on the red carpet Regina King In Alberta Ferretti - Congrats on Supporting Actress win for If Beale Street Could Talk, Kiki Layne In Dior Haute Couture, Danai Gurira In Rodarte, Halle Berry Zuhair Murad

Tinsel & Tine's Annual Red Carpet Picnic

Those who have followed my annual Golden Globe recaps (see below for links) know that I normally put out a crazy spread for awards night. But this year, I didn't invite over any friends for a watching party. Plus, I'd been out to brunch earlier, so I kept it to a reasonable size picnic this year:

THE CECIL B. DEMILLE AWARD

I can't say honoree Jeff Bridges speech had people chanting Bridges for 2020, like Oprah's last year. Still, in his own way, it was very inspiring and zen like, but what else would you expect from "The Dude"?

ANNUAL Hijinx

I thought the Flu Shot bit was a bit lame, and it turns out it was fake anyway, they weren't really giving out celebrity flu shots. A guy in my office said they should have made it Botox, then everyone would have been excited about a needle coming at them - LOL

Flu shots (shots, shots, shots, shots, shots) everybody? #GoldenGlobes pic.twitter.com/GY1U2lP1gJ

— Access (@accessonline) January 7, 2019

CAROL BURNETT GETS IMMORTALIZED

Of course, Carol Burnett's ground breaking variety show already did that, but now to have an Annual Best in TV Award named after her, in her lifetime, no wonder she was "Gobsmacked", it's quite an honor, and one she truly deserves.

And the Golden Globe Goes To...

Once again, my track record for predictions was pretty shoddy. I got a few of the easy ones right, was pleasantly wrong on some, and irately wrong on others:

Tinsel & Tine #GoldenGlobes Prediction: Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in Any Motion Picture - Amy Adams, Vice - Hoping for Foy, but feel it will be Adams#GoldenGlobes2019 https://t.co/x1VOmkwIqI pic.twitter.com/dHLPJTgDMf

— Tinsel & Tine (@tinseltine) January 6, 2019

Tinsel & Tine #GoldenGlobes Prediction: est Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in Any Motion Picture Richard E. Grant, Can You Ever Forgive Me? - Long shot, but yep may be an upsethttps://t.co/x1VOmkwIqI #GoldenGlobes2019 pic.twitter.com/WubmKXq73m

— Tinsel & Tine (@tinseltine) January 6, 2019

Tinsel & Tine #GoldenGlobes Prediction: Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture — Musical or Comedy Olivia Colman, The Favourite - I'm gonna put my money here, but it's tough to sayhttps://t.co/x1VOmkwIqI pic.twitter.com/MIukuwtH5p

— Tinsel & Tine (@tinseltine) January 6, 2019

Got this one right! Congrats Olivia Coleman who seems not very far from her character in The Favourite" 😆

Tinsel & Tine #GoldenGlobes Globes Prediction: Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture — Drama Lady Gaga, A Star Is Born - by the way, 😍her doc #FiveFootTwohttps://t.co/x1VOmkwIqI pic.twitter.com/YCCAtIWqPV

— Tinsel & Tine (@tinseltine) January 6, 2019

Great speech by Glenn Close, but come on, all signs were in favor of Lady Gaga, she was robbed 😞

#GoldenGlobes Tinsel & Tine's Prediction Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture — Drama Bradley Cooper, A Star Is Born - Should be Cooper's night!https://t.co/x1VOmkwIqI pic.twitter.com/UlCksXviHS

— Tinsel & Tine (@tinseltine) January 5, 2019

Rami Malek did put his heart and soul into playing Freddie Mercury - so, although I really wanted to see Bradley Cooper win, I was almost equally happy to see Malek get the gold.

Tinsel & Tine #GoldenGlobes Prediction: Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture — Musical or Comedy Christian Bale, Vice - Hands down winner and boy does he deserve it! pic.twitter.com/ojvHzGkUCD

— Tinsel & Tine (@tinseltine) January 6, 2019

I got Christian Bale right in my predictions, but his winning was a no brainer. Loved when he said, "I'd like to thank Satan for the inspiration to play the role" 😆

Present at the #GoldenGlobes Roma wins Best Motion Picture Foreign Language! Congratulations to all the people involved in this incredible film. #PasiónyOrgullo pic.twitter.com/IafpN6v8ie

— Mexican National Team (@miseleccionmxEN) January 7, 2019

Totally understand ROMA winning best Foreign Film, but Bradley Cooper was robbed out of Best Director. Alfonso Cuaron's film is a bit self-indulgent and a little too personal in my opinion.

However, this is wonderful... So happy for this school teacher turned actress getting to kick up her heels and find a bit of glamour. Isn't this what we all want - just at least a little piece of the Hollywood experience? I know I do!!!

#Roma actress Yalitza Aparicio dancing it up at #Netflix’s #GoldenGlobes party pic.twitter.com/fEzA0I0Ury

— Yvonne Villarreal (@villarrealy) January 7, 2019

And to wrap it up, I'm still upset, by this upset - technically, BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY, A STAR IS BORN and BLACK PANTHER should have been in the Motion Picture Comedy or Musical category, as none of them are truly dramas, but A Star is Born, would be the closest, and therefore, should have won. But how the devil did Bohemian Rhapsody beat out the cinematic excellence that is Black Panther!?!

ARCHIVE OF GOLDEN GLOBE RECAPS 76th Annual Golden Globes 75th Annual Golden Globes 74th Annual Golden Globes 73rd Annual Golden Globes 72nd Annual Golden Globes 71st Annual Golden Globes 70th Annual Golden Globes 69th Annual Golden Globes 68th Annual Golden Globes 67th Annual Golden Globes Share :)

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