#by allowing stupid stuff like this to happen
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itās so frustrating bc thatās something you face even in like the best programmes for people with disabilities like not even psych wards i got over medicated by my fucking school. itās not as bad obviously but disabled people especially mentally ill and neurodivergent ones are treated as inherently too stupid and childish to have bodily autonomy. and thatās a really good angle for horror that also shines a light onto underlooked abuses! the treatment of disabled children by authority figures has been a major inspiration in my own horror writing since day fucking one bc itās so prevalent and fucked up. but you have to think of disabled people as humans to do that I guess.
itās also a reason why I think a lot of asylum and psych ward settings in horror are based more off historical examples rather than the modern abuses that happen. not to say that focusing on the horrors of stuff like lobotomies is bad inherently- people do treat the ableist violence of the past as a fucking joke and thatās extremely fucked up and works focusing on how that was fucked up actually could genuinely be useful in combatting that ableist idea- or that stuff like that isnāt completely gone nowadays but i think a lot of stuff goes for an older aesthetic bc it makes it easier to see it as something that doesnāt happen nowadays. which allows creators whoād otherwise balk at writing stereotypes so blatantly vile to justify it to themselves.
The worst thing is that there is so much potential for exploring the horror of psych wards from the angle of medical abuse, ableism, forced treatment/drugging, loss of autonomy, power imbalance, demonization, dehumanization, etc, and YET the horror genre keeps defaulting to "insane asylums and psych wards are scary because there are mentally ill people in there"
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Questions For Storytellers
I have (I think) finally caught up on my list of poses to make, so I wanted to do something a little fun (for me, not for anyone else LMAO) and entirely self-indulgent. I read stories and tell my own over on Instagram, but of course it's harder to post long-form text like this over there.
Special thanks to @freezerbnuuy as I'm copying their post. ā¤ļø
Whatās the last screenshot youāve taken for your story?
This is from the middle of my last post, but it's the last screenshot I took because I went back and added this scene in after finally caving and making my own stupid poses for it hahah.
2. Describe your story in three words or less: Needlessly long tbh
3. Describe (insert character here) in three words or less: Uhhh I'll pick Saxen since he's my MC... wet cat energy (which I think is something @nefaricussims said actually??). Or "90s cocaine chic" as @southernsimmin so beautifully described him. š¤£
4. How did you choose the name of your story? It's called The Cottage because it's... based in and around a cottage. š„² I have a very imaginative mind!! š¤£ But also, the cottage plays an important role throughout the whole story and especially in the upcoming finale.
5. How do you choose your charactersā names? My Sim story is based on a novel I never had the confidence to finish - in that version, Sax is an Ʀlf based on Anglo-Saxon belief. I made him a vampire in Sims because that was the only pack I owned at the time, besides base game, and for gameplay purposes I thought vamp put him close to how I imagined him. I now realise I could have easily used CC and my own damn imagination to make him an Ʀlf but I didn't know much about CC at the time, either. š¤£ Because of this, the original story leant into fae lore and the stuff about never revealing your true name. Saxen isn't his real name anyway, but for an added layer it also isn't spelt how you might imagine if you heard it spoken. The same for Thom and Jac who are also characters who came over from the 'original'.
6. How long have you been working on your story for? A little over three years! I have learned soooo much in that time.
7. Whats the biggest risk youāve taken with your story? Did it pay off? I dunno that I've taken any risks, other than putting it out there in the first place.
8. What about your story are you proud of? I think the fact it exists at all. I've been writing stories since I was a kid, but at some point I lost confidence in myself and have never finished anything/wanted to share it with people because I end up overthinking and deleting it. So I am proud of myself for having maintained a continuous story for three years, and for having other people read it. I think because there was no pressure with a Sims story - with a novel I kept thinking, this has to be perfect and polished so that I can publish it someday. With a Sims story, I'm free to just write the silly tropes I enjoy and allow myself to suck and learn and get better at it.
9. What about your story are you looking to improve on? I read a fantastic article about ma - including pauses in your visual storytelling, space for the characters to sit and breath and reflect. It's ma that makes Ghibli movies so wonderfully distinctive. Being able to make my own poses means that I can show a character's expression or body language in response to a situation, without the need for overlaying text. I'm trying really hard to move away from the "talking heads" style that reads more like a script, and letting the visuals tell the story for me instead. I'm not very good at it because I enjoy my blah blah, but it's fun to try!!
10. Is your story fully planned or are you still working things out? Is there a definitive end? I'm approaching the end of it now, which has been planned for the last three years, so yes - I know pretty much everything that's going to happen. Sometimes the characters still throw a little surprise for me though.
11. Why have you decided to tell this story? Are there any messages or meanings within it? When I got the Sims almost 4 years ago, I had absolutely no idea that there was a) a whole community around it or b) that people used it for storytelling. I'd already made Sax, Thom, and Jac in the game, because I'd wanted to see them come to life during gameplay. Then I discovered poses and started sharing random staged screenshots on Instagram, and became friends with the exceptionally talented TheSimmerKay (now making machinimas!) who showed interest in my silly little characters and suggested that I try telling a story too. I owe her a lot!! As for messages and meaning... I'm very interested in what makes people do the things they do, and how the hero of a story often depends on whose POV we're hearing the story from. There's a fine line between hero and villain sometimes, and a hero acting out of love can cross from protectiveness into control.
12. Do you actually play the game or do you just use it as a storytelling medium? Yep - I have a designated story save, which is the one I take all my screenshots in and which never has gameplay. Then I have a Happy Ever After save for Sax and Fen and another save for for my Globetrotter Challenge Sim, both of which are gameplay only. I think it's important to have that outlet; I can work on my story, make poses, or just play the game, depending on what I fancy.
13. From basic planning to a finished post, how long does that take you? 2-3 evenings. I tend to get everything laid out and text added, then let it sit for a day because I inevitably think of a way to do something better if I give it chance to breath. š¤£
14. Do you have any regrets about your story so far? If you could go back in time, how would you fix these? Not regrets, really, but there are some threads that I put in - fully intending to complete them later in the story - but never did, due to them just not fitting with the story or wanting to try and bring things to an end sooner. But similarly, there are times when I was going to put in a little hint or foreshadowing in and didn't, and then later in my story have wished I had! The tricky part of serialised storytelling is you have to just live with what you have (or don't have), you can't go back and remove or add scenes like you would with a drafted novel.
15. What have been the highlights of creating your story? I've met so many incredible people due to it, oh my goodness. Truly extraordinary Simmers who've shared their time and knowledge with me. We have a little mutual reading group on Insta where we all read and geek out over each other's stories and it's just wonderful. I was honestly shocked when i went to other platforms and realised how much drama there can be in the Sims community. š¤£
16. What about the process do you enjoy? Not that I don't enjoy the process... but I mostly love it when it's finished and I can share it, hahaha.
17. What about the process do you hate? I don't hate any of it... it's a hobby and I do it because I enjoy it. That being said, it does fuck me off when I have multiple Sims in a scene, everyone is in place and has poses queued, and then MCCC Dresser FREEZES MY GAME NOOOOOOOO WHY
18. Choose a song that reminds you of your story:
youtube
This is the unofficial theme... specifically this version in Old English, which is Saxen's first language. "It's our destiny then to find love again / Where we failed once before now we'll win"
19. Choose a song that reminds you of (insert character here):
youtube
Another one for Sax I guess because he's special. šš¤£ "But you, a cinder of the fire that's yet to come / Will you just sit and mourn this fragile thing that you've become / Or instead will you consume the very things you can't outrun / Until you finally see all of the strength that you draw from?"
20. Choose your favourite shot from your story so far: Hmmm I think this one, which was me being lazy and reusing a screenshot from an older scene during a flashback-style narration. š¤£ I was trying to achieve something else with the editing but did this by accident and liked it.
21. Choose your least favourite shot so far: Too many to pick from LMAO
22. Choose a favourite character from your story so far: Sax, obviously, he's my lil chew toy/punching bag. But then there's also Idris, for whom I only wish the best. She's going through some trouble right now and I don't enjoy it. It's much more fun to bully Sax.
23. Choose your least favourite character so far: I don't have one! Although Vlad makes me deeply uncomfortable tbh. I find him to be a really creepy villain, and unlike any of my other villains, he's not in any way misrepresented or redeemable. I'm using a makeover version of him by WistfulCastle (I would link, but I don't think he's available anymore?)!
24. Are there any characters who remind you of yourself? No... well. Whenever baby El randomly info-dumps on a niche subject, that's mostly me taking advantage of a captive audience to tell them about karkadanns or medieval torture items or dead bodies on Everest. š„²
25. What inspirations have you drawn on for your story? I honestly don't know - I can't name anything that I've consciously drawn on, though I know for sure I must have. Funnily enough people have told me things like "oh that's like in Vampire Diaries" or "that's like that part in the Harry Potter films" and I haven't watched either of those, so I think what's happening is we're all drawing from the same well of folklore and mythology and trope. There is occasional story drama about being copied and the thing is... unpopular opinion alert... many of us aren't as unique as we think we are. š
What we are unique at is taking a trope and telling it in our own distinctive way. No one else can tell your story quite like you can.
26. Have other sim stories inspired you? I have soooo many talented friends who inspire me to do better when it comes to visuals and storytelling!! @callmedomino is the queen of silent storytelling and a huge inspiration on my journey to discover ma. I really love how well she can tell a story with no words.
27. What genres would you describe your story as? I call it rural fantasy lmao
28. If you could reproduce your story in another medium (movie, novel, comic, etc.) what would you choose and why? I mean obviously I'd say movie because HOW COOL would that be?! Especially an animated one!
29. What would your storyās rating be? (G, PG, M etc.) Ummm probably M because there is the occasional spicy scene. Sometimes three a year LMAO.
30. If you were leaving simblr Simsta and had to choose another creator to continue the story for you, who would you ask? Well tbh I've given Sax and Fen to several good friends already; some of them have them in ongoing cameos in their own stories. I wouldn't ask anyone to continue mine, but I like to think that Sax and Fen could live on in my friend's stories and games if anything were to ever happen to me.
31. Drop some random trivia about your story: When I started I only meant to do short, random vignettes about daily life at the cottage. Somehow it snowballed into a three year epic. š¤£
32. Give a light spoiler: "This is who I am. If I was any other way, I would not be myself."
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30 More Fluff Prompts
So my friend gave me the brilliant/horrible idea to make some fluff prompts based off actual dumb shit I've done/had happen to me. So here they are I guess. ĀÆ\_(ć)_/ĀÆ
These ones weren't pre-written with just myself in mind, so they actually use the proper 'person A/B' format for prompts. First fluff prompt list can be found >>here<<
If you use one of these, please tag me so I can seeee~ĖŹā”ÉĖ
(18+), MDNI, NSFW and actual cavity inducing content below the cut ĖĖāāāāā
Person A calls person B for their lunch break everyday. And I mean every single day. Person A says B's call and voice is what even allows them to get through the day.
Person A starts calling person B during their lunch break everyday. Person A's coworkers, who they USED to hang out with during lunch, are all super interested in this new supposed paramour. They start gossiping, theorizing, as well as hustling person A trying to get information about person B like its high school. šøBonus points if this is a bunch of old/middle aged/super jacked men doing this
Person A and B have been online friends/dating/"just flirting"ā¢ for months now. They finally decide to meet up in person. When they do, they both are super awkward and tense at first before quickly loosening up and having a blast by the end of the night like they are old pals.
Person A has person B and C accompanying them. B and C have been trying to get A's attention and quickly start competing against each other. B and C get so caught up in trying to one up each other that they completely don't notice person D just calmly walk up to A, ask them out, and whisk A away while they are arguing.
Person A says that they want to accompany person B to all their doctor's appointments and actually insists on it. When B asks them why, person A says its because they are their partner so they want to be there to support them, especially in case something goes wrong.
Person A tells person B that they have something super important to tell them and to let them know when they can talk about it. Person B, all panicked, asks what it is. Person A, with a completely straight face, just says "I love you". šøBonus dialogue: šø*after a long pause* Person B: Wa-was that it?? šøPerson A, now snickering: What do you mean? Is my LOVE not important to you?
Person A is an artist that knows how to write in a language person B does not. Person A frequently doodles faux tattoos on B, but B doesn't know that the symbols A draws on them are actually messages of love.
Person A and B are sitting next to eachother, fingers intertwined, and lovingly staring into eachothers eyes. They both go in for a kiss. Person B scooches closer and puts their leg in A's lap... only to get jabbed by A's raging hard-on. Person A pulls away from the kiss with an annoyed sigh and says, "I'm sorry, this happens everytime I look at you."
Person A goes up to person B's hotel room with the intention of having sex. However, when person A jumps onto B's lap and starts sweetly kissing them, B absolutely melts from the affection and asks if they can just kiss and cuddle instead.
Person A wakes up next to person B and starts to gently kiss them awake. Person B eventually goes, "I wish I could wake up every morning like this..."
Person A and B are in a long distance relationship. Person A frequently says the words "can I see you?" to B. Which means they want a candid photo of B, right then, in the moment. It doesn't matter what stupid stuff B is doing, or how garbage they feel, A always gushes over how beautiful B is when they send a picture.
Person A is on the phone with person B. A child person A is with (they can be babysitting or it can be their own child, whatever) suddenly shouts, "Are you on the phone with your wife?". Person B starts dying of laughter while person A is just completely shocked like, "M-my wife??" šøBonus dialogue: šøPerson A: We are not married we are just dating. šøChild: But you love them right? šøPerson A: Yeah? šøChild: And you would do anything for them right? šøPerson A: Yeah...? šøChild: THAT MEANS YA MARRIED.
Person A constantly tells everyone how amazing their partner, person B is. Its to the point that person A has now started carrying around pictures of B just so they can brag about them.
Person A told their parent(s) about how deeply they are in love with person B. So now said parent(s) are desperately trying to meet/get to know person B much to A's dismay. B has no idea what is going on.
Person A suddenly texts/calls person B and starts trying desperately to make plans at some point later in the day for them to meet up. Person B keeps shooting down all of A's ideas saying they will be busy during that time or other reasons why the idea won't work. Until person A finally breaks down and says, "look. I just... really want to see you."
Person A is totally lost. Person B finds them and knows immediately they are lost because they are just that pathetic/confused looking. When person A asks person B for directions, B is like 'Ill just show you where to go so you don't get lost again'. B grabs A's hand and leads them to their destination holding hands so they don't lose them.
Person A and B haven't seen eachother in awhile. When they finally see eachother again, they both go in for a big hug. Person A sighs and mumbles "god I missed your hugs". There is then an awkward pause before Person A nervously asks, "...did I say that outloud?"
Person A is hanging out in a mall with some friends when suddenly person B walks up and gives person A a big hug from behind. Person A is confused at first, but is then shocked when they turn around and see person B, someone who they haven't seen in years.
Person A is walking past some stores when suddenly they hear their name shouted from behind them. They turn around to see person B, their best friend from years ago. Person B is wearing the uniform of one of the shops A passed, so B was clearly working and ran out when they saw A. They both run at eachother into an embrace like its a tv show.
Person A and B start a movie/tv show marathon together. At the start, they are practically on opposite sides of the couch. But they keep slowly getting closer and closer as the marathon goes on. Until by the end, they are firmly snuggled into each other.
Dialogue Prompts
"I'm sorry if I was rude when we first met. You were just so pretty I couldn't look at you in the eyes."
Person A: I love you. Person B: *gasps* I love you!! I've been wanting to say that but I didn't want to scare youā¦
"Honestly? I would be happy if I just got to come home from work everyday to you and a kiss."
"Coming home to you everyday would make everything worth it."
"I never really believed in the whole soulmate thing until I met you. There... isn't really another way to explain how perfect everything came together."
Person A: So, um... Would you be okay if we cuddle? Person B: *immediately scooches over* Yesplease.
Person A: Do you really have to go? Person B: Sweetie. We have been cuddling for 4 hours.
"Look. I don't mind sharing a bed. But I do demand cuddles as payment."
Person A, panicking and running their sentences together: I-I totally understand if your uncomfortable with me sleeping in the bed. I can just sleep on the floor, it's fine-OR I can sleep on the couch- Person B: *slow frog blink* ā¦I'm fine with you sleeping in the bed, dumb-dumb.
Person A: Your couch is like... mega uncomfortable. Can I just like- share the bed with you? Person B: Seriously??!
#one bed trope#dialogue prompt#dialogue starters#dialogue inspiration#dialogue ideas#writing prompt#prompts#story prompts#writing ideas#writing inspiration#suggestive prompts#prompt list#fanfiction prompts#writing prompts#otp prompts#story prompt#fic prompt#imagine your otp#fake scenarios#fake scenes#romance prompts#writing scenarios#writing scenes#fluff#fluff prompts#fluff prompt#fluff starter#fluffy prompts#fluff imagine#fluff prompt list
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Iāve enjoyed the comedic ways you can die in bg3 itās v fun
#first time I died was after the crash and talking to the mindflayer#rip to shadowheart there too#next was at the chapel where there was a rock over a cracked dias on the ground#so I cut the rope down and. rip to astarion and shadowheart#owen plays bg3#I know itās a dnd game and Iām glad they did embrace the comedy that comes with fucking around and finding out#by allowing stupid stuff like this to happen#also rip to barcus wroot I didnāt realize there were two levers#I did reload after having a good long laugh about it
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Prolouge to "Dog Tags" :)
I like to think- At least in my Finding home au- That Worst wolverine IS orgins Logan minus a few changes so he literally had to fight his Wade, which he feels really bad about but man they made him do all sorts of stuff that Wade would never do. Wtf you mean his Wade has kids in cages? This Wade would never. And it only hurts him the MORE he learns about wade, that he was under someone elses control to kill his parents and how Francis threatened to sew his mouth shut.
Theres so many similarities yet.. he's different. But at the same time he's not? And hes so greatful. He's still got the quips and the skills, sure his face is a little different but yeah thats definitely Wade.
So he's really not shocked to know he was a soldier, but when Wade first brings it up, Logan frowns, his eyes get a little wide as if they just entered a touchy subject.
"And.. you left?" You can actively see him internally begging."Please say you left. Please say you left. Please say you left" so when Wade, whos doing something simple like making mac and cheese turns with a smirk like "Sure- if you think getting handed the pink slip and being told you're never allowed to work for the canadian government ever again because I couldn't follow orders is 'leaving' then yeah. I left."
And a large relief falls over him because one of the main reasons stryker liked wade was because he was "the perfect soilder except for his mouth" "does what he's told" etc. So to hear that this wade didn't get picked up because he didnt do what he was told is a massive relief.
".. you got your tags?"
"Well.. yeah. Somewhere around here. Ness might have'm still.... why do you ask?" And it makes wade really nervous because no duh - hundreds of people have betrayed him. He wouldn't honestly be too shocked if Logan suddenly decided he wanted him dead for whatever reason.
Logan just smiles and tries to make a joke "Ill show you mine if you show me yours"
This eases Wade a bit so he laughs and is like yeah sure. Goes in there, digs around for a bit, brings back out the tags, his patch nametag, and a picture of his platoon but most of them are either scribbled out or ripped off.
"Turns out- when you leave special ops- You become a person of intrest to your ex friends" though the way he says this makes Logan want to hug him because OUCH- Yeaahh he felt that way too much.
So, he assumes that wades killed them for trying to kill him instead, runs his thumb over the emboardered lettering of the name tag and of the imprinted metal with a soft smile.
Now wades not dumb. This was rememberance.
"...Didn't you mention you had a wade in your universe? Crazy fucker? No cancer? Lucky bastard-" he grumbles, a little jealous, assuming that Logan had something with that wade too. Part of him is estatic because of the thought. Like yay! But the other part is "I would so ā ļø myself if another me flirted with my man"
"Yeah.. poor guy had his mouth completely removed."
"Well shit. Merc WITHOUT a mouth isnt a very good name now is it- Wait second. Lines all over him? Look like a weird egg? Warehouse fight?"
Logan looks at him like 'how the fuck did you know that?'
"Yeah! Ugh poor guy. Put him out of his misery like old yeller. Put a whole load into his head. Was that you- or? A different wolvie?"
Logan blinks, trying to process the fact that Wade just cassually admits to ā ļøing himself in another timeline, but also He didn't remember that which implies that this happened not only in his old universe but other universes too.
"No.. that wasnt me."
It makes him upset to think about anyone wanting to take away Wades right to speak. He understood that being yapped at, at 6 am wasn't the funnest thing in the world but he would never in a million years want to take away his ability to say such beautiful things. The way he spoke so passionatly about things, how smart and caring he was. Even when he said stupid shit like "Thats what she said" after the most random sentence.
"Hey wade? Were out of milk"
"Thats what she said."
"Huh??"
His grip tightens on the tags as he sighs heavily, digging out how own and hands them to wade, who by now has finished cooking the mac and cheese, successfully not burning down the apartment.
Wade, of course, becomes excited giggling and going "Oooooh! Special! Old as hell too- damn wolvie whens the last time you washed these? All scratched up and- they stink!"
Logan smiles. "You're more then welcome to clean'em."
But this is said to be bad luck. To clean someone elses tags implies that theyre dead because they cant do it themsleves. Wade immediately shakes his head, trying to hand them back.
"No! I-.. you clean them."
Logan dosn't even look up, still fiddling with wades, looking at the numbers and such. "Eh. Keep'em."
"You.. why do you want me to keep your tags? Theyre yours. You can't just give me your tags thats-"
"Wade... Keep'em. Im not that man anymore. And I never want to be."
This seems like a new light for wade as he realizes that he too isn't the same man who wore the ones in those rough hands. He looks at Logans tags again, the cogs in his mind turning only to be interrupted by a small..
"..Can I keep these?"
"What?"
"Your tags... can.. I keep them?"
Immediately, a lightbulb flashes in wades head.
"You wanna swap tags with me!? Oh my god really!?"
Logan shrugs, oblivious to what this means. "I mean.. I dont want mine. And if you dont want yours.."
"Yes!! I'll keep them safe I swear!"
He then runs off, leaving the stove on to go tell Al, giggling as he puts them on.
Blinking, Logan sighs heavily, shaking his head with a smile as he turns off the oven, having a bad feeling that he just did something far different from what he was trying too.
Turns out... that's how they got engaged..
Everyone forgets that Wade was a soldier. A fucking good one. The reason he is so good at being Deadpool is because of that. Yes, he doesn't have to worry about dying, but he strategically takes hits to stun the enemies.
I think Logan would love to see Wade planning out a mission for the first time.
He expects Wade to just go in guns blazing, but he doesn't. Wade pulls out a blueprint of the building, marks areas he knows have security, shows Logan exactly where the target is and how to shut down the villains evil machine of the week. He tells him exactly where he needs to go to pull it off and doesn't make any jokes the entire time.
Logan is alittle surprised, but he can deal with that after the mission.
And after the mission- that goes smoother than any X-Men mission he'd ever done- he can't help but ask Wade why he did all of the prep and how he knew so much about where they were going.
And Wade just shrugs and says "that's how we did it in the military, why? Not how fancy Cyclops did it?" and now he's even more confused because- huh? Wade was in the military??
And so that night Logan just asks him loads of questions, they share a few war stories, and Wade tells him all about how he scouted the warehouse out for a few days and planned the mission.
#finding home au#x men origins: wolverine#wolverine x men#deadpool and wolverine#poolverine#deadclaws#wade wilson#deadpool 3#deadpool#logan howlett#wade x logan#logan#wade winston wilson#orgins wade#worst wolverine#dog tags swap#tag swapping#military#fanfic#dog tags
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Itās actually insane how fandom in general has become so scared of making weird and dark and ugly works. Like I look at myself and see how I have also subconsciously adapted this instinct to self censor and make things āmarketableā and itās making me want to crawl out of my skin. I need to get weirder and worse and more off-putting hello
#I need to write a proper Spectra&Gus meta bc itās been cooking me how people donāt Want to see the insanity in them#argh#d0 stuff#negative#d0 smashes the keyboard#like yes#Gusās devotion and loyalty are extreme and these feelings make him do stupid things that he is absolutely aware of being stupid#but letās not pretend that these feelings go both ways in their relationship#Spectra (for like. the majority of the New Vestroia except the maybe last 12 eps?) sees Gus as a convenient tool#like Yeah he is like. a person and all that but Spectra doesnāt Interact with him when it doesnāt concern his business so#and also yes. he gives Gus a level of autonomy that one might not exactly expect from how usually these relationships go but#one Has to question if itās bc of his goodwill or bc he is safe in his knowledge that Gus would never leave him#which. fun and sick and makes them sooo compelling#I would also argue that Spectra/Keith donāt even miss Gus when he ādiedā as a person at first#but as the second pair of hands for work#like it was quite funny to see Spectra give instructions to air only to be reminded that his minion died#but it does rise the question of why hasnāt it happened before or in any other situation#(which I must say I really dig because yes. Spectra has always been centred around his ambitions so ofc this is where it would hurt first)#but yeah. sth sth Spectra only starts his journey of Actually giving a shit about Gus and acknowledging his importance to him as a person#by the end of nv#you could still argue it was partially (or maybe wholly) motivated by convenience that Gus presents but#it really was the first time Spectra has personally expressed his tie to Gus gah#all of this to say#they are sickos; each in their own way; and I think we can really make this more sinister and insane than weāve allowed ourselves#throughout the years so far#like yeah. can I see them as a happy couple? sure! but also can I see this as a very codependent (more so from Gusās angle) relationship#thatās being sprinkled with Tons of manipulation from Spectra? also yes#actually sorry for this wall of tags idk what got me thinking about them again#but itās so so biting the bars day bc these guys are so fun!! we just have to let them be and maybe read canon through less good intentions#ok uhhh
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Omg it would be way easier if my bff just ignored me and changed the subject but instead I have to wait like a week for him to just say āthat sucks wtfā to my rant š¤¦
#AUUUGGHHHH like weāre always in a conversation and he will be ranting and then itās my turn to rant.LMAOO and then he just goes completely#silent.. EVERY TIME I THINK ITLL BE DIFFERENT TOO š weāll#ok to be fair heās more thorough when he does respond like heās not dismissive. but like. why does it have to take so long. T_T#and then I just end up not telling him anything about my life so he has no idea what Iām doing whatās going on lol#then I get comfortable enough to tell him stuff and the same thing happens.. AUUUGHHHH BUDDY#this sucks so bad. itās been like this for over a year too but especially since december#I guess itās fine Iāll find more friends but Iāve known him since I was 11 so Iām allowed to be sad..ok..#it kind of makes me feel like even more of a loser sometimes š heās very normal now. we have the same roots but heās like.. well adjusted.#idk. so it kinda makes me insecure too which is sooooo stupid š¤¦
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anyone else have trouble talking to people bc they don't know what they're allowed to say???
#maybe not the best way to put it#but like. i know the way to keep convos going is to ask questions and stuff#the problem is. whats acceptable to ask? what am *i* allowed to ask????#im an acquaintance. if i ask x question will you be mad at me? is y questions stupid??? what do i get to say?#and then i dont really say much of anything. even though im genuinely curious and want to know more#bc i dont want to be annoying#it's why i wish people would just ramble at me heedlessly#remove that uncertainty lmao#also happens with my friend#it's easier with non-personal life stuff. ive figure that bit out#but like. she doesnt talk much about her own shit. and i do try to ask questions n shit when she does#but they go unanswered so i figure she prolly doesnt wanna think much about it#but then i also dont want to seem like i dont care. bc i do. but i also dont want to be annoying poking and prodding#and it seems like it'd be extremely goofy to come straight out and ask bc how the fuck do u ask someone about that?#socializing is stupid. i want to know how to do it so bad#to the void with love
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#(( ooc. ))#venting tw#negativity tw#gonna try to do some writing today but motivation is real low.#i guess that's what happens when you get called stupid useless and lazy to your face by someone who then expects you#to bow and scrape and wait on them hand and foot#and also now im expected to pay the electric bill on top of doing all the housework. literally all of it. in a home of 3#fucking adults. and bow im also the one having to handle a lot of maintenance work around the place on top of keeping#it spotless bc no one else 'feels like doing it'#and the whole time i get to be insulted and told that im fat. stupid. lazy. while im cleajing up their messes. and fixing stuff for them.#and doing a bunch of cooking bc they get pissy if i dont also feed them on top of doing literally all the housework. and maintenance work.#and also now being expected to pay half the electric bill. again house of 3 people. and im not even allowed to take a hot shower when i need#to in order to get the pain spikes under control from yknow. flaring up my fibro from overworking myself CLEANING AND TAKING CARE OF THE#DAMN HOUSE FOR THEM#bc it takes too much electricity. the electricity i mostly paid for last month#sorry i needed to get that out#suicide tw#abuse tw#not me debating offing myself bc theres no end in sight and no way out and i cant keep going from one abusive situation to another#and just trying to survive. almost 30 yrs old and ive never once felt safe or at home anywhere ive ever lived. not once. in almost 30#years have i ever felt safe. or like im my own person. or that im valued. or wanted. or listened to. not once in almost 30 years#have i ever felt like im actually loved (wanted) beyond my usefullness.#shit sucks man. anyway sorry for the spam of negativity lately. im not trying to be a downer.#gonna go hang out in my inbox for a while and see if anything pops out that my muses wanna jump on š¤
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next week we're going into the peak of our conference season (starting on wednesday we'll have 6 conferences in 11 days) and our department's website decided to act up this week so we have to use workarounds for everything and still the most cosmically unfair part to me is that satisfactory 1.0 launches the day before everything gets the most busy which means i absolutely cannot play it for the next two weeks or i will be exhausted and get zero work done
#i was watching the final update/1.0 teaser over lunch today and it looks so good :(#but i know myself. i will stay up stupid late to play it and i'll just be even more exhausted during this hell week (hell fortnight)#at the end of that though i'll be owed two days off (bc i'm working two saturdays) and THEN i can go ham#i am trying to relax this weekend and not think about next week. it'll be fine. there's a lot of stuff happening but it's all workable.#i'm trying not to think of it as 11 days because the first week is the hardest part and the second week will be longer but simpler#and we do have the sunday off in the middle. last year it was actually 11 straight days#we have to find a way to not do this next year though. i feel like for two years we've been like 'this is terrible and we shouldn't allow#conferences to happen on the same day as much as we can' but then when course directors come to us with overlapping dates we never push bac#people come to us late but with plans and our dept heads don't want to say no so we just schedule them anyway#i get that it's revenue for us. we can't just say no completely. but i think we can definitely push harder on the scheduling front#anyway. it's 5:30 i'm going to stop talking about work#j rambles
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i keep looking at posts like "i stopped a binge" "i prevented a binge" and all of them are like. "i waited until the urge went away". buddy. the urge doesn't go away. there's no urge. there's just nothing else to do. i don't have anything else to do. every time i stop eating no matter how long i sit with the feeling or not, i always go for more food because there is genuinely nothing else in my life. nothing is enjoyable anymore. the world sucks. no matter what i force myself to do it's the only positive thing i can ever find.
#like okay cool i let the people around me guilt me into eating whatever they think i should be eating#i get it. i'm so fucking stupid for missing out opportunities to try new food. i should never buy the same food twice.#i should always buy all the variety i can and try everything.#i'm so stupid for having eaten the same stuff in a loop for years and years#i'm a massive fucking weirdo for not eating when other people are eating#i keep stealing food from my parents and the people around me i keep taking way too much of stuff intended for a group#nowhere i go will be free of obligations#i have to keep buying my own poison because everywhere i go there's other people's food waiting for me anyway#my parents keep looking at me like a freak no matter if i eat dinner with them or not#they see me binge and nothing happens#we just ignore it#i just eat until Designated Eating Time is finished#hunger doesnt ever have anything to do with it i just eat when food's in front of me#i need the ritual i need the structure it brings to my life#both meals with other people and my ritual binges#i dont know what to do with myself when i'm not binging#and it's like i'm not allowed to not want food#to other people#it's like i must necessarily want all food and anytime i refuse it's restriction#my friends are always like ooooh you can grab some of my fries if you want#or oooooh do you want the rest of my cookie#or ooooooh and how about you are you ordering something#and i'm like :) yeah sure :) like anybody else would :)#and to myself. to myself i don't know. i think i just want to give up. i want to suffer and i want to fuck up so badly.#so badly that no one can deny i need help#i want to be proven right. i'm just a little weakling and all i'm good for is to haunt the halls of a mental hospital.#no responsabilities no pressure nothing but a pitiable suffering victim#i want somebody or something to swoop in and save me#but nobody will come. it's my job to ask for reasonable help from the relevant authorities. and currently they can't offer that care.#so fuck me i guess
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What is it like to lack a sense of agency?
What is it like to have it?
#oc#it's her full outfit no flippin way#sometimes her name is miranda#sometimes her name is Bunny#depends on the fandom LMAO#her bit is always the same though: kinda stupid college student with a knack for urban exploring and nature stuff#she's stupid in the way that junji ito protagonists are: just kinda lets shit happen and doesn't stop it#lets herself fall into the abyss basically because depression is a bitch and she's a little obsessed with escapism#she also hates cops and is a big ol druggie but thats not important for the majority of situations i stick her in#her brain is also weird but thats just bc shes basically me but worse and also better#worse and better how? idk you tell me#she's also nb and goes by any pronouns but defaults to she/her#she's still a boy tho lol#she'd allow you to call her a girl but she mostly likes being called a guy#this bitch wears binders unless going out urban exploring or hiking etc because shit gets sweaty and you should never exercise with them#shes also vaguely southern because im from the south yehaw#mmm grits and pimento cheese yummery#I'LL MAKE A REAL CHARACTER INFO THING ONE DAY maybe
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i think some people are setting their expectations wayyyy too high for what shadow will be written like now. "the mandates are COMPLETELY gone shadow is fixed now guys!!" no theyre not literally all they said is that the rules have changed a little. like dont get me wrong thats good news too but a lot of people are exaggerating and setting themselves up for disappointment in my opinion
#also i dont really like how people talk about The Mandates tm as if theyre this evil force looming over the comics#thats only affecting how shadow is written and literally nothing else so we need to lift all of them now to fix the sonic franchise#when in reality its a set of rules and restrictions that sega has for how people should handle their characters#which isnt inherently unreasonable. especially considering the reason they started getting more strict with this stuff#and why theyre monitoring idw sonic so closely#(hint its because of archie sonic. go read every single issue ken penders wrote#and come back and tell me if you still think its a good idea for sega to allow complete creative freedom with no rules at all)#likes YES some of the rules are stupid especially the ones about shadow but sega having rules for their characters isnt inherently bad#and undoing all of them isnt the perfect solution here.#again pre reboot archie sonic shows perfectly what can happen when people can do whatever they want with the characters#with no input from sega#also some of the rules arent even like. bad?#like the no romance rule is awesome. love that. and the rule that game characters cant be killed off makes perfect sense to me#idk
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thereās something so sacred about sharing what you love with others: whether it be a song or food or clothes, a show or a movie or pictures. it's just... such a deep and personal thing, you know? having someone carve out a little part of their heart and gift it to you with an abundance of joy and excitement and passion... yeah.
#i lowkey had an awful day today lol#and it was my first day taking over as teacher so that's a great way to start it#there are people in seventh period who literally despise me and maybe that's an exaggeration but i looked over their creative writing for#the day and one of those kids literally wrote about how he was having a good day but then it turned into a bad day when i started the#creative writing with them so that was great and other stuff happened idk and one of my tics was really... uh... present today and i was so#aware of it and i feel like everyone was laughing at me because of it even tho ik that was just me being self-conscious but God i wanted to#cry and i shared a piece of my heart with them today for the creative writing exercise and so many of them just. told me how awful it was#like someone straight up started with 'this song is terrible' and then proceeded to write a paragraph about how bad it was#idk. it made me feel like a young kid again - sitting by myself on the playground and reading books. like i was in middle school and#everyone was telling me that the things that i loved were stupid. like i was a kid getting teased just lowkey enough that the teachers#couldn't tell because it wasn't necessarily outright bullying but they were making fun of what i loved which Hurts and then i was in high#school having to defend what i love and then in college hearing 'you ruined this for me because you liked it too much' and it just. idk.#it hurts. i find sharing passions and what i love with others so sacred and important and it Hurts when they just tear it and you down and#ik they're juniors and ik there will always be people like that but it was constant and idk. i'm just sad lol#so anyways even if someone shares something with you that you don't like there is literally No reason to be rude about it. you're allowed#to say you dislike it but it's not okay to just tell them straight up it's stupid or awful or you'd rather get hit by a car than hear the#song again. hm. ig i have some unresolved trauma lol#sorry for the rant y'all i just. needed to rant ig idk
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The worst thing about suffering is that it still hurts when the danger is over but no one cares about it anymore because it shouldn't hurt. No one will ever say "I'm sorry that happened to you" especially when they barely say "I'm sorry that's happening."
#Okay to tb btw all the personal stuff is in the tags#Like. Not eating for a week because you couldn't get groceries hurts#and people will say 'oof sorry that's happening' but then#after you're able to get food no one will ever say 'I'm sorry that happened' even though you think about it and hurt from it constantly.#No one will ever say ':( that must have been so hard' because you're fine now right???? No psychological damage there?????#This example is stupid but I do think about it every time I feel hungry. I told people I wasn't able to get groceries#and there was no food in my house. And they said. Oof.#Instead of idk Oh God Are You Okay ??#No one cares when you've been abused your entire life and behave the way you do out of genuine terror because your brain is fucked forever#They don't say 'I'm sorry that happened it must have been really scary to turn you into Such An Asshole. I pity you like a dog :('#Speaking of man everyone loves fucked up abused terrified dogs and wants to be the one who makes them open up#And shows them that people can be good and kind and that touch doesn't have to hurt#But everyone is scared of fucked up abused terrified people#Humans are capable of harm even more than dogs and fear is understandable but.#Can you please call me good boy and shush me and tell me nothing's going to hurt me and let me curl up on your lap#And not hit me if I get scared and start to growl and feed me good and take me on walks and play with me#Even though I'm not very fun to play with and I'm still learning what's fun and what's mean and what's a toy and what's a hand#Plleeeaaase don't be jealous of a dog that doesn't eat good don't say 'tch he's so thin what am I doing wrong'#I want to eat good and grow and gain fat and be warm and be comfortable I don't want this#Don't say 'if abused dogs don't eat good then I don't deserve to either' no no no no eat good so you can take care of us both#Please please please I learned so many tricks to make people happy and call me smart but I don't actually know how to do anything I'm#Literally like such a stupid dog it takes me like one day of no one paying attention to me for me to become un-housebroken#I make a lot of mistakes even though I know better or I really should know better#And sometimes do things wrong on purpose to get attention either yelling or showing me how to do it right#But most of the time I genuinely don't know how to do stuff because I was never taught or I was taught and#My previous owners said 'this is how it is. It is this way because it is and it is forever. The answer is Because.'#'now quit asking repetitive questions before I pop you'#If I do something Because and not know the reason why I'm doing it that's not learning that's acting#Especially habits taught specifically to hurt me and not being allowed to question it or know why I'm being hurt#Oh my god I acted out so much when I was younger and all my friends were so disgusted and hurt by me and yelled at me every day
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"both sides of shipcourse are wrong" says person about to not bat a fucking eye when someone on one side gets chased off the fucking internet and doxxed and told they deserve assault for liking ships that are abusive in a way they dont immediately understand/relate to. "shipping discourse is just sooo dumb and immature" says person about to fucking gasp and scream and tell all their mutuals and post "STOP putting ***** on my dash in 202_" vagues like A Gross Drawing Existing In The World is going to singlehandedly groom and traumatize and enable and Normalize everything for everyone on the planet simultaneously for simply being put out there and it being out there is a category 10000 mental safety hazard that they must bravely defend people from. "youre stupid if you care about ship discourse lmao" posts brave tumblr user about to get really upset publically over One person they saw shipping a like, 4-year age gap between two fictional chars that's there if you Squint, an opinion that Clearly has NOTHING to do with very specifically one side of the discourse
#8log upd8#bottom line i really really Rreally resent people going 'oh haha this Stupid Internet Drama#is So Dumb and everyone who cares about it is dumb too' followed by#literally ruining somebody's life because they never bothered to look into or learn why#that person likes the stuff they do. OR LIKE GIVE THEM ANY GOOD FAITH AT ALL?#at the very very very very fucking least you would ASSUME these people see someone getting#Harassed Off The Fucking Internet and go hm did this person really deserve it. what did they do#and why and what is their side of the story.#NOPE its just Ummmm make sure to not reblog from *** or youll get Freak Poisoning by proximity!!#it's why i don't really post my own stuff on here anymore; i don't feel comfortable-#-being in a social environment where people will just up and decide someone deserves#to Not Exist where they can see them anymore. even if it's not me it's happening to#it's too cruel and i can't stand it ._.; if you do or allow stuff like this please unfollow me#or better just block me outright. 'oh but what if they post-' I Don't Fucking Care#unless they're posting about specific real living/lived human beings in harmful ways#they don't deserve this shit and even if they WERE posting about real people (they arent.)#what do you think online harassment would do to stop that? you think predators are gonna#get vagued and go Aw shucks ive been caught better stop being weird about specific real children!#tags are getting long lol sorry
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