#buy sushi and eat polenta and bagels and dates i think. i have so much to live for and i love being alive but this shit makes me spiral or n | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

pepprs · 3 years ago

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i literally wish i had exams. exams you can study for and bullshit in your short term memory and it doesn’t matter how much effort you put into it and it’s just over at the end and yeah sometimes there are trick questions or freewrites and it would never be in a subject i a good in but like…. I just can’t write anymore fucking papers i just can’t. i am so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so tired

#purrs #what if… get this… i ran away under cover of darkness and started a new life and my professors failed me but it didn’t matter because i was #free as a bird. or… hypothetically… i find the nearest land mine and step on it (sorry) (i know) (yes) (yeah) (i know) (i know) (sorry)#wish i could like….. erm hrm hehehm… not to say this but i wish i could you know but like only for one aspect of my life because literally #everything else is so good or has the potential to be it’s just the thought of waking up tomorrow and having to write essays makes me w want #to *** ** *** and *********. very good fucking thing im seeing my counselor tomorrow but idk how much that’ll help bc i still have to do #finals. idk if i can live w getting bad grades but i also need to give up right now LOL (im not actually going to like …………. i just am #feeling very do not want to be alive in this particular part of my life for one miserable millisecond longer. my head feels like it’s #swollen 3x the size and full of broken glass stabbing into it #suicide tw #sorry. like i don’t actually mean it i am fine but i also am not fine but im fine in certain ways and also yeah this is kinda new for me but #also kinda not and idk what to do but i actually am fine i mean it i am just sitting calmly and i need to order groceries and tmrrw im gonna #buy sushi and eat polenta and bagels and dates i think. i have so much to live for and i love being alive but this shit makes me spiral or n #not even spiral but like SINK or cave in or whatever sooooooooo bad. so so bad. and i can’t do anything but push thru it and im not strong e #enough and it’s SO stupid and entitled but the fact that if i had just sucked it up and graduated when i was supposed to i would’ve graduate #d with highest honors and now im mentally very very bad and have had a lot of phhysical setbacks and grades don’t mean anything and won’t #mean anything but now idk if im gonna graduate with any honors and i didn’t go in wanting that or tryi for it but the pressure to maintain #it is unbearable and i just can’t do it anymore <- dumbest reason on the planet to feel ***** ****** but here i am. and ive never told a the #therapist abt feeling this way sometimes idk what Megan is gonna do but im scared lol but it’s fine. like ok genuinely i need to shut up but #i actually am fine i feel mentally awful but the only physical thing im gonna do abt it is stay up late except im posting this and then #going to bed. im ok like actually. and at this time next week i’ll be thru it one way or another and i’ll sit in my clean room and write in #my new journal or paint something or make music and it will be the best thing in the world i just wish i could skip this week and go there #delete later #food #ask to tag #long post tw #also i think i might be getting another ear infection bc it hurts on the inside and i forgot to buy my mask headband bc of this stupid shit

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