#to *** ** *** and *********. very good fucking thing im seeing my counselor tomorrow but idk how much that’ll help bc i still have to do

[pepprs]

i literally wish i had exams. exams you can study for and bullshit in your short term memory and it doesn’t matter how much effort you put into it and it’s just over at the end and yeah sometimes there are trick questions or freewrites and it would never be in a subject i a good in but like…. I just can’t write anymore fucking papers i just can’t. i am so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so tired

[fairycosmos]

Hi sorry to bother you but things have been going really bad lately and i have no one to talk to and i'm just looking for one just one reason to stay alive tonight and make it through to tomorrow because every single thing seems meaningless and please don't feel obligated to help me but if you can please even just a couple of words would help (sorry to beg im kinda desperate lol)

hi my love. i'm so sorry i just saw this idk if we're in different time zones or what but i hope it's not too late. i want to say that it's okay to have nights like this. processing negative emotions, while painful, is not necessarily something to be avoided. it's alright to cry and to break down and to not know what to do sometimes. life is fucking hard, and you're only human. it feels meaningless because we have to create our own meaning and sometimes that doesn't feel good enough, and it takes too long. depression is impatient and cynical. but you're honouring fate just by living the human experience. you're finding reason every day, even if it doesn't seem that way. and ultimately you don't need permission from anyone to be upset. the only responsibility you have is to try and cope in the healthiest way possible. this doesn't have to be some grand gesture, even just staying safe and warm in your bed while you work through the turmoil is something to be so proud of. the biggest trick of the sadness is that it warps your perception and convinces you that it's permanent, that happiness is some far off impossibility, but it's not. it's actually inevitable. the future is ever changing and open, it'll be so much more than you realize. but you gotta give yourself a chance to get to that point by practicing self compassion in the present moment. take a second, breathe. ask yourself what you need (not what you self destructively want) - rest, a distraction, to rant. there may be no all encompassing solution, but the fact that you're surviving it means you're subconsciously learning how to cope in more ways than one. i'm really sorry to hear you don't think you have anyone to talk to. i know exactly how disorienting that can feel. i don't know the details of your situation, but there are often numerous resources than can help you out with this sort of thing even if you don't have much of a support system. there are mental health hotlines and support groups, or you could talk to your doctor to see if they can refer you to a professional. if you're underage there may be a counselor at school you can turn to. i know those ideas are very daunting and seem very distant, and 'that' part of your brain may automatically try to write it off. but i'm just asking you to consider it as an alternative to the cycle of isolation that you're in. people understand more than you know. so many of us are in the same boat as you. and it genuinely is ok to talk about what's going on in your head. any shame you feel is learned, and can be unlearned if you try. the embarrassment you feel when being vulnerable will always lead to progress, but the depression you feel from keeping it all inside will always cause you to regress. anyway i realize that this doesn't help you in the current moment, it's just something to think about. until then, if you're doing everything you can to take care even in the smallest of ways, then you're doing so much better than you think you are. and i'm sincerely proud of you, from the bottom of my heart, because dealing with your own mindset is one of the most difficult things in the world and yet every day, you're doing it. the bottom line is that you're important, your life is significant and you deserve to see what the world wants to offer you. even if you can't believe that at the moment, the relationship you have with yourself will change over the course of your life and eventually you will learn to be without guilt. you're not stuck, i promise. nights like this may persist (or they may not) but they don't negate all of the steps you're taking to help yourself. change is genuinely inevitable and where you're at right now is absolutely not where you're always going to be. that will remain an objective truth, something you can count on - unlike those thought processes that are simply products of falsified self hatred. you are so much stronger and more resilient than you can even fully comprehend. it does apply to you, all of this does. and i get why you find it hard to believe, but you didn't survive all of this for nothing. take it one day at a time dude. if that feels like too much, one hour at a time. even getting through one minute at a time is an achievement. you're not doing anything wrong by trying to survive. like i said before, the world is offering itself to you over and over and it's completely fine to turn away sometimes but you deserve more than rejecting it completely. anyway, please try to remain safe and get some rest when you can. consider your options, and in those moments where you want to go mad, take a step back and find some perspective. i hope you think about reaching out whenever you're able to, and also that you know i'm rooting for you with all my heart. you've got this. it's a bad day, it's the end of the world and her you will survive it with the chance to try again. sending so much love your way. let me know if you need a friend

[cassyblue]

so i have an meeting with my adviser tomorrow and she’s gonna ask how things are going and the answer is this week has been a total disaster thank you very much.  So that’s gonna be fun. Yaaaaaay. It’s just whenever I’m on my period shit falls apart and sometimes its bad enough I just can’t see myself being able to work while I’m on it. But I manage to get through i guess because I just have to even though it’s hell. 

I cancelled my counseling appointment and honestly at this point I don’t know if I am going to go back bc I can manage ok with the meds and honestly I’ve been doing a lot better than spring semester. Granted there’s still shit I have to deal with but I’m just questioning if therapy is really worth it for me. But also it might be that I just don’t want to take responsibility for my shit. Or it’s just that telling the counselor I wanted to stop and go with someone else was just so completely horrible that I’m just burned again. Like all things considering it could have been way worse but it just was awful for me and I pretty much spiraled afterwards. Like therapy never seems to solve anything and I just end up being fucked up afterwards compared to before hand. And maybe its because I don’t feel comfortable opening about up the shit right away or maybe It’s like I have tell the same shit over and over every time I get a new therapist and I’m just frustrated and finding it futile. Like I’ve been burned by one, didn’t have a good fit with another, had a pretty good one. But I’m not having a depressive episode or dealing with really bad anxiety currently. Like I’m so much better compared to what I have been before. 

I’ve even stopped doing some of the anxiety or minor ocd related rituals. Like I’m a semi functional human being even if I don’t feel like it most of the time. I can get up. I can feed myself. I can get myself to class and work. 

I mean yeah I feel gross still sometimes and have issues with shit. But it’s not like I’m crying all the time, sleeping all the time, and just not functioning. 

so im just kinda like Idk what to do about this therapy shit. I just want to never go back honestly. Which is probably not reasonable. But I just don’t want to do it. 

but also maybe it’s because I’m on my period I’m starting to have some of the thought pattrens again. But then again it’s about my parents and shit and maybe it’s me not wanting to take responsibility for the shit I’ve done. Like I tried to explain to my classmates today something and they looked at me like I was crazy for not accepting my parents offer of buying things for me even though I said my parents fought in front of me about moving me out for grad school biting their savings. I don’t know. I’m tired and lonely and have to go to bed and hormonal. 

[xumxnghao]

all pf them

under a read more it goes

we are bulletproof: if you could be any superhero, who would you be and why?

spiderman! walking on walls seems cool

no more dream: if you woke up tomorrow to be incredibly famous, how would you react?

“yeah this is how it’s meant to be” (do I 100% expect to be famous in the future? yes)

i like it: if you could reverse any moment in your life, what would that moment be?

throwback to middle school when my best friend confessed to me and I told her I’d date her if i were a boy

n.o: biggest pet peeve?

i don’t really have any big pet peeves but I hate the sound of nails draggin on the weird ceiling material in cars

we on: how do you deal with people who don’t like you?

avoid them like the plague bc i have Anxiety

if i ruled the world: what would you do if you found out that you were an heir to a wealthy kingdom?

possibly have a panic attack but like money

coffee: what’s your coffee order?

green tea frappe with a shot of espresso bc i’m living that college student life of no sleep and only caffeine

cypher pt. 1: if you had to be part of a kpop group, what position would you want to be (i.e. leader, visual, lead vocal, dancer, rapper, maknae, etc.)

i’d WANT to be dancer, but realistically id probably be a singer

rise of bangtan: when and how did you get into the king and legends, also known as bangtan sonyeondan?

uh i remember i listened to fire a while ago and it wasn’t exactly my style and i thought bts was kind of overhyped so i didn’t really listen to them much until like a month are blood sweat and tears came out and i finally decided to watch and mv bank with them and i thought they were funny and it was really just a downward spiral from there

satoori rap: what does home mean to you?

home has no meaning to me bc it’s always been riddled with fear

boy in luv: when you are interested in someone (romantically, sexually, etc.), does your behavior change?

i mean i flirt more but that’s just cause im a libra :/

just one day: who would you want to spend the last day of your life with?

i think i’d want time alone

tomorrow: goal that you would like to achieve within the next year?

finish learning korean

cypher pt. 2: one thing about yourself you wish people would appreciate more?

there’s nothing to appreciate about me lol

spine breaker: what is your weakness when it comes to spending money?

i love stationary

jump: favorite childhood memory?

once in kindergarten we were painting pots for mother’s day. I was the kind of kid that liked to work ahead so i just started painting, but the pot was upside down so when i turned it over it just said “wow” instead of “mom”

miss right: what is your ideal ‘type’?

kim taehyung, park jimin, or xu minghao

i like it pt. 2: dream date?

I love amusement park dates

danger: have you ever had a near-death experience?

i nearly died of alcohol poisoning once. that’s a story.

war of hormone: most embarrassing moment?

when i was like in 8th grade i thought weed and pot were two different things and I’ve never lived that down

hip hop lover: three songs that are meaningful to you?

Should i just do BTS songs?

Move, Love is Not Over, Hold Me Tight

let me know: are you good at keeping secrets?

i like to think i am

rain: most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?

i took a day trip to Houston without telling my dad while my mom was in China

cypher pt. 3: favorite outfit to wear?

i got a new Fila hoodie in japan that’s bomb af and i look great in it plus my white hat with the long tail and my adidas samoas

blanket kick: longest time you’ve spent lying in bed (sleeping or not)?

idk how long i spent in bed but once i had a depressive episode so bad that my phone only marked 19 steps on that day

24/7 = heaven: what are you most looking forward to?

SEVENTEEN CONCERT AND MEETING SEVENTEEN

look here: do you have any hidden talents?

I can hum and beatbox at the same time

second grade: proudest accomplishment?

I finished 12 years of music theory, got put in the TMEA pamphlet and got some money from it too

i need u: are you in love?

i need u girl

hold me tight: does physical contact comfort you?

no

love is not over: ever had your heart broken?

:)

dead leaves: how loyal are you?

very

move: last time you cried?

I nearly cried at the airport leaving Japan because my best friend is staying there for college and I won’t be able to drive a street down to see her anymore, but I don’t cry much so I didn’t actually shed a tear.

I did however shed a single tear because of some gifs of jimin this morning

butterfly: most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?

answered

run: do you like traveling? if so, where? what’s your dream vacation?

i love travelling and i actually just experienced my dream vacation in japan. I guess my next one would be korea

ma city: if you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

seoul. I want to be an MV producer for idols

baepsae: do you vote and/or keep up with politics?

not especially, but I should bc i used to be a journalist

dope: what did you want to be when you were younger? how does it compare to what you want to be now?

i wanted to be a vet and now i’m going into film so there’s a pretty big gap

fire: are you a spontaneous person?

I’m an istp so yes

save me: your favorite place on earth?

im bad at choosing favorites, i’d like to think that i’m not tied down

young forever: what is one movie from your childhood that you will always treasure?

mulan

boys with fun: you’re going on a roadtrip with seven other people– dead, alive, fictional, real, famous, or not. who are they, and why?

sam, sarah, sara, kim taehyung, park jimin, xu minghao, and mark tuan

converse high: how many pairs of shoes do you own?

jesus wait lemme count

at least 14

whalien 52: weirdest thing that has ever happened to you? alternatively, weirdest dream you’ve ever had?

once after a 4th of july fireworks show my friend and i stopped at a gas station for drinks and this very obviously high dude in the car next to me said to me from his seat “yo dude u okay? u like… saw the paranoia i felt” and i had to reassure him that i was fine and i was going home soon

and i don’t like to think about my dreams bc theyre usually nightmares

house of cards: when was the last time you felt sexy?

like 2 years ago when i took the best selfies of my life

boy meets evil: have you ever committed a crime? if so, what was it? alternatively, what is the worst thing you have ever done?

i mean ive smoked weed

i snorted xanax once but after that night i decided to never do that again

blood, sweat, & tears: kinkiest kink you have?

i…. am not sure yall are ready for this information

begin: who are you most grateful for in your life?

i dont think i have an answer for this

lie: biggest fear?

abandonment. which lead to my fear of commitment and attachment

stigma: would you rather know the date of your death or the cause of your death?

cause

first love: do you believe in soulmates?

i’d like to

reflection: if you could tell your past self one thing, what would it be?

don’t go to the counselor

mama: are you good at giving advice?

not even a little bit

awake: if you had to be a flower, which flower would you be?

i’m not sure which I’d actually be but i love peonies

lost: how good are you with directions? do you get lost easily?

i’m pretty god with directions. I don’t usually get lost

cypher pt. 4: what do you do to treat yourself or relax?

i clean the shit out of my face

am i wrong: you wake up one morning in the hospital, knowing only your name and a single memory from your life. what is that memory?

damn well i wish i just lost all my memories

21st century girls: do you prefer texting, calling, or video chatting?

texting

2!3!: your favorite thing about bangtan?

how fucking weird and unapologetic they are

spring day: who do you miss right now?

my bed

not today: what are your procrastinating right now?

i need to pay rent and my class fees but i’m not

wings: on airplanes, do you prefer the window seat, the middle seat, or the aisle seat?

i like aisle seats for long flights and window seats for short flights

you never walk alone: how many people do you trust with your life?

maybe 2 ?

[bluedreaming333]

yes lawd.

im bored.

i have walked 6.5 miles today!! and ran 2.68 of them. dopeeee. i am very happy with that!!! i would like to start doing that more often. it felt so good being outside in the sun. and i ran fantastic and i know i can do even better than that. my legs felt a little bit sore/stiff. imagine what i can do if i stretch more and i push it? yeaaah baby.

steve was the cutest fucking baby. it makes me want to cry. thats my best friend, one of my soul mates, born as a baby. thats how he came out! like cmon. you too cute yo. i didnt know you until you were.. 33? so my soul has def been waiting to see. and its the cutest thing ever.

i was kind of mad at steve earlier because i felt like he was talking to rebecca too much.. and he is. i went on his phone and there were nude photos back and forth. disgusting. im sorry. im not ok with that. i dont like her. i have to work with her tonight. its whatever. ill read my book. make that a goal. which i want to make a goal in general anyways - reading more. i used to read a lot of books, get lost in them. it felt good. and i remembered that feeling last night. i want to do that more. i want to do that again. its so much better than scrolling aimlessly on social media. much more productive. feels muuuuch much better. so do that shit! i dont know why i deprive myself of good things sometimes. like i dont deserve it. scrolling social media aimlessly is the worst habit. i need to work on it. i will work on it. i feel like i have been doing better lately. i listen to music. i write. i go on walks, workout. i love writing. i wanna read though!

what i want more than anything right now.. is jar. i am dying for some affection. he wants me and its so sexy, i want to be with him. i want to feel desired. .. and he definitely desires me. i want that shit in person. those butterflies. the romance. passion. steam. hottness. hes so cute. and tallllll. and his voice makes me wet. did i mention hes TALL? and, how can i forget.. light milk chocolate (insert heart eyed emoji here).

anderson paak is the freakin man. best friend goals. husband goals. hes special. my all time fav artist. surpassed jcole. did i just say that. i love them both but if i haaad to pick a #1.

idk what im gonna do about steve and rebecca. i just dont like it. i have had worried thoughts of them hooking up at work cause, oh yeah, i read that in a text message too but report ended up being in the conference room. Oh???

ive been thinking about what i ultimately want to do and what i ultimately want to do is be a clinical mental health counselor maybe or np but i have no confidence rn. im hoping it will come with time. im sure it will. im a new nurse. that is completely normal. however i wish i was more confident already. it’ll come though. i AM a good nurse. i am very kind and compassionate and smart and i know what im doing, i have good judgement, a good demanor, and way with patients. everyone loves me. i never have problems with any patients bc they can see my genuine kindness and they return it. its pretty cool. i like that a lot. i like when patients like me and ask for me and say thank you and are appreciate. thats what makes me feel the best. just giving someone kind attention that they dont get often.

i really hope jar and his gf break up soon. i know i say this like every single day. but i guarantee i will hear from him tomorrow. cause he works.

soon please, jar.

goals: love myself more, be even more positive, stay in a mindset of abundance and manifestation, LOVE yourself, your soul, who you are. be grateful.