#buuuuut i question how far he's thought through tiny things like you know

[lazulisong]

oh good lord one of my coworkers from eldercare called me and tried to tactfully lead me around to asking if i wanted to be a private caregiver with board and i stopped her in mid sentence like "im listening but we're gonna have to be more direct"

[funtimebunnyblog]

Okay so first off, I love bears! 😭 they’re so cute! I would have one as a pet if I could. How do you think the pillarmen would react to their s/o finding a bear and immediately becoming friends with it? Doesn’t matter that it’s literally a wild animal. It saw s/o and was like “this is my friend now” and it follows her everywhere. But the bear is “submissive” to her. It doesn’t attack at all and does that thing where it shows it’s belly to her all the time. The bear likes the pillar men, but not as much as it loves s/o.

Ahhh! My dear Anon, this is is such a sweet idea! 🥰🥰🥰 I have the very same feelings about keeping a Fox as a Pet ❤ I very much would if I could! 😌

This started out as a few simple headcanons buuuuut~... 😅 I got carried away and turned it into a full fic! 😘😇 Please “bear” with me and enjoy! 🐻🐻🐻

The Pillarmen’s s/o brings Home a Bear...  (A bit of a long fic; Under the cut for length!)

(I’ll stop making bear puns from this point on, I swear! I just couldn’t pass up the chance to use this picture. in any case... Please do not attempt anything that your read here with a real life Bear or any woodland creature that is dangerous for that matter! If you happen to find a lost little Bear in your travels, do the responsible thing and contact a forestry! ~FunBun)

  "What," Your head snapped up as someone spoke from behind; your eyes trailing up a most familiar muscular torso to eventually meet the disapproving gaze of Kars looming over you. The Pillarman's eyes were wide and his face unreadable, "is that?"

There you were, sitting on the front porch which was not an abnormal occurrence as this was your house and you did as you pleased...

Except for, of course, the fact that you were cradling a LIVING BABY BEAR in your lap and hand-feeding it a peanut butter sandwich!

"...A Friend." You said after a long moment, blinking up at the behemoth of a man. The Cub in your arms grasped at your hand with two huge chubby-toed paws as you pushed the last chunky bit of sandwich into its awaiting mouth; happily chewing away as if it didn't have a bother in the world.

Kars let out a long sigh, his barreled chest heaving as he reached up to pinch the space between his painted eyes with a forefinger and thumb.

"Why?" He questioned.

It was really the only thing he could say in that moment as thousands of questions rolled through his head like flotsam and jetsam. The Pillarmen struggled to keep a hold on himself, trying to give you the benefit of the doubt first before giving you the scolding he so wanted to.

He and the others knew very well you loved animals, which pleased the Pillarmen as they were Men who valued nature and precious life; Kars was no exception. They were most especially aware of your specific fixation on Bears but Kars never so much as gave the love for the creature a second thought.

However, right now, while you held a living Bear in your lap he was beginning to wish he had thought to tell you not to do something as foolish as take one in.

"Hey! I didn't do anything!" You defended yourself, allowing the Bear Cub you cradled to lick the remnants of the gooey sandwich from your fingers. You know exactly what he was thinking; he thought you deliberately went out and took the Bear!

Really, you hadn't done anything! Well... not this time anyways.

It all started when you had gone out for your morning walk in the woods, you happened to enjoy the crisp Spring air this time of year and it was a good way to get out of the house for a bit and away from the noise of the Four Pillarmen you adored that were living with you.

It was only when you were halfway down your usual route when you realized there was a little black Bear Cub following right behind you.

At first, you had feared the worst. Normally where there was a baby, there was a Mother not very far behind and despite your love for Bears you REALLY didn't want to have an encounter an angry Mother Bear that was searching for her lost baby and happened to think you were the one that took it. You did your best to avoid the baby Bear, walking fast and pretending not to notice it in hopes that it would simply give up tailing you eventually and go on its own way back to where it came from, despite the tugging of your heartstrings.

After some time of attempted avoid and evade the Cub didn't leave your side, ambling close at your heals and beginning to cry out for your attention. It became obvious to you it was all alone and even more obvious that it was hungry; as soon as it saw you it thought to remedy both those things.

Always having a big heart, you just couldn't bring yourself to leave the poor thing all alone out in the woods; especially not when it was clinging to your leg and looking up at you with those big honeyed eyes pleadingly...

You weren't supposed to get caught. You had planned to keep him a secret for at least a little while.

You had lead the baby back to the house and left it outside to its own devices on the doorstep for just a moment. Meanwhile you slipped into the kitchen to make, not one, but two peanut butter sandwiches to feed it. You really didn't have anything else to give it, you hadn't been expecting to feed a hungry little Bear anytime soon and there was nothing in it that would hurt the Cub anyways as it was mostly protein.

Your early return from your walk had gone unnoticed by the others (at least at first).

Thankfully, Santana hadn't been in the kitchen raiding the fridge like he normally did this time of morning and had been in the Livingroom with Esidisi instead, too invested in the video game they were playing to hear you come in.

Wamuu was out back chopping up more firewood to burn, as the nights were still very cold; the Warrior too far away to hear you and unable to see you with the house in the way.

Kars was supposed to be up in his study, up to his elbows in papers and practically dead to the world but of course (just when you wanted him to be working for once) he wasn't.

Somehow, he just always knew when something was amiss.

"Peanut followed me here," you explained, peering down at the squirming black fuzz ball in your lap that was still happily licking the peanut butter from its chops.

Kars clicked his tongue, "Peanut?"

He seemed even more displeased you had already named it; if you named something, it became hard to lose it. That was a rule many people followed through ancient times.

You let out a shaky laugh, ignoring the chunky paws inarticulately grasping at your clothes as a little pink tongue darted out from a tiny chestnut muzzle, dampening the glistening black button at the very tip.

Peanut was giving you a thorough sniff, making sure that he had consumed all of the delicious food you had brought him and that he hadn't missed a single morsel.

"It fits." You told him, smiling pathetically as you shrugged your shoulders.

Ruby eyes drifted down to the little creature squirming in your lap for more than a beat before he let out another sigh; this time it didn't sound as stern and disapproving as the first but it still sent a shiver down your spine. His lips pulled into a sympathetic frown as he closed the distance between you two, crouching at your side.

"Dear one," he spoke, using the tone he typically reserved for when he was trying to comfort you or give you some advice. "We cannot keep Peanut."

Immediately, you felt your heart quiver at his words; the pulse of the muscle stopped all together as you looked up at him. His eyes, normally the epitome of inhuman and predatory, now softened.

You knew very well he would have this talk with you, albeit much sooner than you anticipated originally, but it didn't change the fact it was making your heart clench painfully in your chest.

"Why?" You questioned. Now it was all you could really say in that moment as everything else that tried to come out got jumbled up in your throat.

You really didn't need to ask such a question however, as you already knew the answer.

"My sunshine, he's a wild Animal; a predator. He may be a small creature now but Cubs like Peanut grow very quickly indeed." He explained gently, wrapping one muscular arm around you. "And as he grows, his appetite will grow; you won't be able to feed him simple sandwiches forever."

Your lips scrunched up as you peered down at the now quiescent black ball of fuzz cradled in your arms. Peanut, his belly now full and all the peanut butter thoroughly cleaned from his paws and face, had closed his eyes and was slowly falling down into a most comfortable mid-morning nap.

He was so cute; so damn cute you wanted to cry. A hand absentmindedly reached up to grasp one of his paws, your thumb tracing over the squishy pads of his feet and feeling the sharp little claws sprouting from the chubby toes like thorns from a rose.

All your life you loved Bears, no matter the kind; Panda Bears, Koala Bears, Grizzly Bears, Sun Bears, Polar Bears, even Black Bears like Peanut... and now here you were, holding one in your very own arms! Hugging it close to your body like one would an everyday Teddy Bear! A real life Bear had just waddled up to you in the forest, clinging to you as if appointing you as its new Mother and caregiver, cuddling in your arms like a loving pet and cooing as you fed it an icky-sticky delight.

It was a dream come true... and now Kars was asking you to wake up and cast it aside.

"But--... But--..." the quivering of your lip made it hard to find a foothold in this dispute.

"And there is also the matter of his behavior." Kars continued softly, one massive palm gently rubbing up and down your back as he spoke. "Bears can grow to be very territorial and temperamental creatures. Their maximum strength can out lift 10 Men and their maximum speed is faster than any vehicle you can drive."

By now your eyes were watering, the fuzzy spot in your arms no longer seemed so very fuzzy as the world around you blurred behind tears.

Kars, of course, was making sense as he always did and you didn't like it one bit.

The living God's frown only deepened as the glistening of the water pooling in your eyes caught his. Truly, he hated to see you cry. Seeing tears in your eyes was something that made him weak in places he never felt such weakness prior to falling in love with you... but your safety was in jeopardy; and that was something he, nor the other Pillarmen who loved you and dotted on you, didn't want to risk over one creature.

"We have to put him back where he belongs." He said; though his words still carried that softness it was undoubtedly an order not to be refused.

"Oh Kars," you sniffed, your nose crinkling as tears began to fall. "I can't do it!"

You turned more fully towards him, presenting the sleepy Cub; practically thrusting him into the Pillarman's arms.

"Just look at him!" You cried. "He's so small and he's all alone! I don't know what happened to his Mother but she's gone and... and..."

One massive hand found your cheek as the tears came harder, a calloused thumb swiping the raging rivers aside.

"Please Kars... I can't give him up... what if he--?...." you wimpered, unable to finish that thought. You were fully aware you had already lost for today as he shook his head sadly.

Your tears did nothing to sway him when he knew what he had to do.

His free hand slipped under the sleeping Cub, Peanut did little more than fill his palm, scooping him up and cradling him close to his chest as he stood.

Your arms had never felt more empty.

"I'm sorry, Beloved. It has to be done." He told you as you stared up at him with a crestfallen and teary gaze. "Chances are, his natural instincts will kick in and he will learn to take care of himself despite the absence of his Mother. Abandoned Cubs are more common than you think. Peanut needs to go back to the woods."

That was all that could be said, the Pillarman disappeared in one blinding flash; taking the Bear Cub with him.

You were left there sitting on the porch, scrubbing at your cheeks with the sleeve of your sweater until the sensitive skin was raw in the cool Spring morning air. You managed to pull yourself together enough to not raise suspicion and headed back inside to make some coffee.

The morning passed quietly, when Kars made his eventual return to the house (sans Bear in hand) you didn't even look him in the eye.

You didn't deny that Kars had done the right thing, Peanut was in fact a wild Animal and belonged to the wilderness, but you still felt strangely bitter over it. So inexplicably angry it almost felt childish as you couldn't stop yourself from glaring at his back as he passed the kitchen table.

More time passed, your only half-drunk mug of coffee had long gone cold and your grief for the little Bear you knew that was left all alone somewhere in the woods had managed to ebb somewhat. You were just about to get up to go get a start on some chores when all of a sudden, Wamuu came through the door.

"Shoo! Shoo!" The massive Pillarman swiped his hand as he backed himself through the door, "Go on! Go back to your Home, small one."

You tilted your head, watching the unusual display. "What's wrong?"

The blonde turned his head to look at you with a frown. "I was trying to finish up my morning task when a Bear came out of the woods." He explained, finally closing the door with a sigh. Your gasp went unnoticed as he peered through the window of the door, his frown only etching deeper. "It's too small to be a juvenile. Just a Cub. I did not want to find out if there was a Mother lingering so I came back to the House. However, it seems to have decided to follow me..."

The Warrior blinked as you were suddenly out of your seat, squeezing past him to squish against the window of the door to see for yourself.

"Peanut!" You cried, your heart fluttering in your chest as you too caught sight of the little round ink blot sitting dejectedly on the porch.

Wamuu barely had a chance to react let alone intervene as you yanked open the door again, the sounds of the crying Bear hitting your ears.

It was Peanut alright, every feature similar right down to the whiskers of his muzzle. The Bear was plopped down on his rear, feet sticking out under him like he were a simple Teddy Bear sitting on the shelf of a toy store, and staring up at the door he knew you were behind. The squeaky wailing of the Cub fell silent as soon as he caught sight of you and realized he was no longer all alone, it seemed that he missed you just as much as you had him.

Wamuu stared in disbelief, watching with wide eyes as the little Bear rolled onto his back to reveal his soft tummy and stubby paws to you.

"Peanut?" The blonde questioned, one thick eyebrow raising as he looked between you both.

This was a wild Animal and yet you greeted it like some sort of pet!

As your leaned down to give a loving rub to the exposed tummy of the Bear, cooing at it as contentment spread across its features. You intended to recount this mornings full story to ease Wamuu's obvious confusion, however, you didn't so much as get the chance to get a word out before Kars was standing in the room.

He had just been about to head upstairs and absorb himself in his work, when he caught a snippet of what was happening in the kitchen. The Pillarman's crimson eyes wide as he approached, needing to see what was happening for himself.

"Look Kars!" You beamed, grinning up at both gawking Pillarmen as the Bear grasped at your petting hand, playfully trying to gum on your fingers with blunt little teeth. "Peanut came back!"

Kars all but shared in your glee, the pinching of his brows and the drooping of his lips gave away his irritation.

He had dropped Peanut off safely somewhere in the woods, not far from your usual walking path. When he had left, the Cub had still been sound asleep, completely none the wiser to being left behind, and the Pillarman had honestly thought that would be that.

It would seem the creature had imprinted on you more than he anticipated and it only added on to his previous fears.

"I'm afraid I'm in need of an explanation, my Lord..." Wamuu spoke up, tearing his gaze away from you and the Bear Cub you were most happily playing with.

Kars swooped in, taking the Cub away from you for the 2nd time that morning, much like an Eagle dropping from the sky to snatch up a mouse. Peanut pawed at his hardened chest, becoming squirmy in the massive mans hold as he let out a couple of little grunts.

It was as if the Bear knew exactly what Kars intended to do.

"I'll explain it to you in full when I return, Wamuu." He sighed as he begun carrying the squirming woodland creature away from the House towards the woods where he deemed it rightfully belonged.

You waved at the baby Bear as it watched you from over one muscled shoulder with those big honeyed eyes, feeling a little disheartened again but the fact that the Cub came looking for you still made a sweet warmth bloom in your chest.

It would be far from the last time any of you saw Peanut.

Late morning turned to afternoon and the day bloomed into something warm and lovely, like a watered down Summer day. Linens and towels came straight from the washing machine and were headed for the clothesline to dry in the sweet air.

There was absolutely nothing better than falling asleep in bedsheets that had spent all day out on a line in the breeze.

Always happy to help you around the household, Esidisi volunteered to put them out for you as you were already busy doing other things around the house.

He had only turned his back for 2 seconds to hang the first sheet, humming softly to himself as he went, before turning to find a baby Bear making himself at Home in the laundry basket he had carried out. Peanut was rubbing his scent all over the damp linens as he rolled in and pawed at the clean sheets; inevitably dirtying them again.

Esidisi found the whole ordeal hilarious, most especially when he was fed the full story of the morning by you who had come out to see what was taking him so long with his chore.

Kars, on the other hand, didn't find it so very funny.

He especially didn't see the humor in it when he found the two of you playing with Peanut in the yard, entertaining yourselves and the Cub by draping a sheet over him and prying it off like a parachute over and over.

Peanut was taken back to the forest a 3rd time; this time much farther into the woods.

Late afternoon rolled around and Santana finally left the house to go outside; having the sole intention of taking a nap in the fresh air via the hammock that had been recently strung up in the backyard.

Unfortunately, the youngest Pillarman got sidetracked when a little Bear came out of the woodwork and crawled into the hammock with him, mewling and demanding his immediate attention as he was hungry once again.

Kars, the one and only, spirited Peanut away before you and Santana had a chance to make more sandwiches to feed it.

This happened over and over and over again.

It seemed like every time the Pillarman dumped Peanut somewhere, no matter how remote or how far from your Home, the little Bear inevitably found its way back sooner or later; ambling up to you or the others with a mighty hunger and a carefree nature unmatched.

Peanut appeared on the doorstep next morning when you were about to head out for a walk.

Peanut was found digging in the trash bin when Kars was taking out the trash.

Peanut clung to Wamuu's leg as he went out to mow the lawn; the Warrior didn't so much as bat an eye, unhindered, as the Cub held onto his ankle while he worked the mower.

Peanut approached Santana when he was eating chips on the porch; the Pillarmen didn't seem to mind the company nor the fact the Bear ended up upside down in the bag.

Peanut followed you around like you were its one true Mother while you tended the yard and carried out chores.

Peanut sat contently at Esidisi's feet as the man was Barbecuing supper in the evening; the Bear watching him and waiting for supper to be served as if he were the guest of Honor.

Each time, without fail, Kars brought him back to the woods and each time, without fail, Peanut came back.

It was only frustrating him further and further.

Eventually, one quiet and rainy morning Kars went out onto the porch to sit and read; he always enjoyed the sound of rainfall and the fresh earthen smell of a Spring downpour. He had barely been there 5 minutes, not even enough time to get truly immersed in his novel, when suddenly a very wet and cold ball of hair climbed up into his lap, actually making the Pillarman yelp at the shock of the sensation of a freezing cold Cub pressing against his bare skin.

Kars was big and dry and comfortable, like a much bigger and hairless Bear, a place Peanut deemed perfect enough to sit out of the Rain and warm up.

The purple-haired man frowned down at the chubby bundle taking up residence in his lap, Peanut grunted contently as he made himself comfortable. His normally downy soft and dandelion puffed fur was now patterned down and awry, radiating with a dank with a heady, musky Bear smell due to being soaking wet.

It was not at all a pleasant smell to anyone's nose, most especially to a Pillarman's as they were creatures with extra sensitive senses.

Kars, now feeling that this was the final straw, was just about to scoop the creature up into his arms and carry out their usual pick up and drop off routine; this time he intended to take Peanut all the way down river to the farthest side of the forest and leave him there.

He stopped on a dime when two big pools of honey locked onto glimmering rubies.

"Don't look at me like that..." the Pillarman warned, feeling his heart quiver strangely in his chest. The command didn't come out nearly as firm as he intended it to be.

Kars treasured creatures big and small and this creature was so adorable, so small it made his arms itch in ways he hadn't felt since the time he had taken care of the two infants that grew to be Wamuu and Santana. Peanut rolled in his lap, squishing his face against the Pillarman's abs and nuzzling softly; his fur stuck to bare skin in an almost icky way and made his loincloth feel very damp and uncomfortable due to the run off of water.

The Pillarman pursed his lips, forcing himself to bring to mind all the logical points on why this Bear (this nuisance, this danger, this predator) had to go.

Peanut opened his mouth and let out a little yawn and a sneeze, probably just as hungry as he was cold and damp.

Kars' huge hands balled into fists at his sides, his jaw setting tighter and tighter as he felt himself and the walls of his determination crumbling, hating every single millisecond of it before eventually, after an internal struggle that lasted seemingly millennium... he sighed.

Peanut was scooped into his arms and, this time, taken into the House.

☆☆☆

"Really?!" You cried in disbelief, hands going to your mouth as it pulled into an impossibly huge grin.

Esidisi, Wamuu and Santana just sat there, expressions ranging from shock to disbelief of their own.

Surely he couldn't be serious... could he?

Kars let out a long breath, "Yes, dearest." He groaned, still cradling the tiny dampened Bear in the crook of his arm as it clung to his bicep. "We can keep Peanut."

Immediately, to everyone’s amusement but Kars', you were in his lap just as quickly as the Cub had climbed into it. You didn't care one bit that he was a little damp and that some of Peanuts musky stink had rubbed off on him, peppering his face with thousands of kisses as you threw your arms around both the Pillarman and the Cub.

"Oh Kars! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" You squealed between your line of kisses.

Nobody had expected Kars to cave in this matter; they honestly expected this to go on and on for some time until Peanut was forced to be the one to give up on finding his way back to the house.

However, despite the fact all of them were pleased and ready to take on this idea of having an actual living Bear around, there came the next matters to attend to.

The ground rules.

"But he cannot stay inside the house." Kars said, that firm nature of his making its return. Peanut had managed to wriggle out of both of your holds and was now ambling around the Livingroom, sniffing everything and everyone in sight. Esidisi was following him around to ensure he wouldn't break anything or get himself into more trouble while Kars was feeling so generous, smiling indulgently as he scooped him up and presented him to the others.

"Ok." You hummed, that part was only to be expected.

But you wouldn't deny that somewhere in the back of your mind you had fantasized about cuddling up to a giant fuzzy Peanut in bed or on the couch.

Kars took in another deep breath and the atmosphere changed, it was as if the temperature dropped in the room. The mans eyes were serious and his features became even more stonelike than the masks he crafted as he pulled you closer to him in his lap.

"I want you to listen to me, dear one." He began, his voice was low and something akin to fridged; it only sent shivers dancing down your spine. "If Peanut grows to be an aggressive creature or too much a hassle to handle, even if he gives any of us the slightest reason to fear he would harm you in any way, shape or form... we'll have to be rid of him. Permanently."

His words hung in the air, making your stomach sink like a rock falling helplessly to the depths of the ocean. A lump was starting to balloon in your throat.

You knew very well what that meant.

The Pillarmen weren't men who took any form of pleasure out of killing Animals; Kars especially... but you knew that he would not hesitate to do so for your sake. His words spoken to you prior on the porch when you first encountered the Cub rang around quite deafeningly in your head.

"Do I make myself clear?" He asked you, his pupils burned absolute holes into your heart as he held your gaze; not unlike a strict parent after giving the scolding of a lifetime.

The best you could do was nod, praying the day you all feared would never come at all or at least not very soon; the latter was perhaps your best hope.

For now, however, you planned on celebrating the day by making a peanut butter sandwich for the newest, and perhaps hungriest, member of your little Family.

☆☆☆

Time passed, as it did for everything, and Peanut grew and grew. He grew from a small and clumsy little Bear Cub into a bigger and gangly Juvenile Bear by mid Summer.

Sometimes the Bear would disappear at night into the woods, just after supper of course, but there were also times he would just sleep close to the house; most specifically by the front porch. Peanut still followed you around outside as you did anything, always greeting you with a grunt as he flopped onto his back to reveal his belly and were always more than happy to rub it when he did.

His appetite did indeed grow and the simple peanut butter namesake was no longer truly fulfilling to him; nothing more than a sweet morsel to lick up as a treat.

Peanut had to be shown how to properly hunt for himself and that was something you and Esidisi decided to tackle together, taking him down to the river on the hottest days to teach him to to fish for himself. Those days were filled with much laughter on your part where you sat on the bank to watch the Pillarmen wading out in the raging waters with the Bear, hunched forward and making a grab for a slippery and wet flying fish with his hands as they jumped from the water to properly demonstrate.

Eventually, after much trial and error (not to mention Esidisi falling right into the river a handful of times) Peanut was able to catch all the fish he wanted to eat.

Wamuu was a big help in burning off the major energy that came with Peanut growing into an adult Bear. The Warrior often spent hours out in the yard playing with him, going so far as to push and wrestle with the creature, playing simple games like throwing a giant ball around or to even take him on a run through the woods to tire him out.

Sometimes you even tailed behind the pair on your 4 wheeler to get in on the fun and play.

Santana found himself spending his days playing with Peanut too, more often content to help you take care of the beast. You and Santana tried to bath Peanut at least once every 2 weeks to fight against his stinky Bear musk, lathering him up nicely where he sat contently in an old kiddie pool in the yard and hosing him off. Santana would spend a lot of time with Peanut as the Bear napped, scratching his back and finger combing the knots out of his fur; even plucking annoying ticks from the Bears body when he found them.

You found it quite disturbing, and more than a little gross, as to how Santana could hold the bloated insects between his fingers and pop them upon finding them. You swore you could hear the red-head chuckle lowly each time you let out a disgusted gag when he done it.

And Kars, he found himself dotting over and spoiling Peanut with affection just as much as you did.

The Pillarman would deny any claims that he snuck the Bear peanut butter sandwiches between meals or even peanut butter straight from the jar but you knew the truth. It was hard to miss as it seemed Peanut would immediately give Kars a good sniffing upon seeing him, obviously checking for any delicious treats he happened to be keeping concealed.

By late Fall, Peanut was a fully grown Adult Bear.

In fact, he had swollen to such an immense size, he was something of a rival to the Pillarmen; by that time it was something of a relief he was a gentle giant. He was still a wild Animal but he was also a loving pet to you and the 4 Pillarmen.

One day, Peanut stumbled out into the woods and didn't return. Snow came not long after and then the brutal and fridged season of Winter truly begun.

Peanut had disappeared but you knew he wasn't far in the woods, hopefully holed up in a cave and hibernating.

Winter passed slowly, more slowly than it ever had before. As December ticked away to January and eventually February, the others didn't miss how much you missed your Peanut; he was all you could talk about somedays! You weren't the only one who missed him however, not missing the wistful looks passing over the faces of the others upon seeing a segment on Black Bears airing on National Geographic or opening the fridge to find the jar of peanut butter sitting there; untouched and almost begging to be eaten.

March went bye, then April and the snow had long melted away due to the heavy rainfall but still, Peanut did not make his return.

You were seriously starting to worry by this time. What if he hadn't been hibernating all along? What if a Hunter had gotten to him? Or what if... he forgot about you?

The Pillarmen could only console you so much, trying their best not to give you false hope by saying things along the lines of "I'm sure he'll be around!" and make things worse as they really did not know of Peanut's fate either...

It was well over a year since you had first taken in the Cub and now there was no sign of him anywhere.

But just when you were starting to give up all hope of seeing your prized Bear and companion again, you opened the door one morning as you prepared to go on your morning walk to be met with shock.

You just about jumped out of your skin as an earth rattling roar hit your eardrums, sending a jolt of fear striking through your body like lightning and screaming in primal terror at the sight before you. A Black Bear that was larger than life stood on its haunches off the porch, its maw open and its breath showing like hot puffs of steam as it growled out into the cold Spring air; asserting its presence for miles.

For one terrible and too long of a moment, you thought you would be slaughtered on your own doorstep by your most favorite Animal on Earth.

Your terror was short-lived however, as the monstrous beast you feared would devour you whole suddenly flopped onto its back and turned its belly to the sky.

"PEANUT!" You cried, spreading your arms wide as you ran to flop on top of the creature; your friend and pet.

It wasn't long after when all 4 Pillarmen were standing out on the porch, your screech having been heard from inside the house.

"Look Kars!" You beamed, rubbing the gargantuan tummy with a wide grin; eliciting a content grunt from the Bear. "Peanut came back!

Kars could only smile this time and shake his head.

Peanut had come back again, without fail; just as he always done and the Pillarmen were quite happy he was here to stay...

[may-b-a-u-shewritestoo]

Chapter 2 | | Lamplights and Lonesome Bridge

warnings; mention of assault (being bullied)

word count; 3k

Tapping the end of her pen on her bottom lip, Zuli took a moment to close her eyes and breathe in the fresh air. She sat cross-legged upon her burnt orange blanket on a grassy square outside the Astronomy and Astrophysics building, writing pages and more pages for her thesis.

The transference of energy in the universe and its inability to be created.

So far she’d handwritten sixteen pages, the words just flowing from her mind but now she’d hit a wall. Slowly laying down onto her back, Zuli looked up at the sky. How could it hold so much space? Matter, particles, chemicals, stars, meteors, planets. And yet all she could see was clouds; aerosols consisting of liquid particles and crystals. The sky is just plain azure; like a door hiding so much beyond it. A crisp orange and brown leaf swivelled down from a nearby branch, landing only centimetres from her head.

She was truly fascinated by everything the world and the galaxies had to offer, intrigued by discovery; obsessed with learning. Letting out a deep exhale and closing her eyes, she almost began to drift off; her brain realising it needed a few minutes to reboot and recover. But a ruckus of sarcastic laughter and shouting stirred her from her relaxation.

Sitting up and shielding her eyes from the glowing sun, Zuli looked around to see where the noise was coming from. Sight finally following Sound, her stomach dropped as she noticed what was happening.

All too familiar she recognised five grown seniors underneath the arches by the Mathematics classrooms surrounding somebody, whoever it was being thrown around like a rag doll. Passed between each student, they were being shoved, hit, laughed at and verbally abused. While she knew she could be quite assertive and intimidating, that really only applied to people her age or younger. Seniors were different.

Continuing to watch at the same time as keeping an eye out to see if any staff were walking past.

“Ha ha, won’t be able to read your sappy love letters without these huh?” One older guy shouted, holding up a pair of clear framed glasses. Oh no. Her heart sank. Something began tingling in her stomach, flowing through to her feet and her arms and hands; she grew angry, scared, overwhelmed.

Collecting her textbooks and notepad, Zuli stood up and marched straight over to the group of boys. Adrenaline and dopamine worked evilly beside each other, triggering Zuli’s instincts of fight or flight; both of them somehow coming into play.

“If you don’t leave him the heck alone, I’ll report you to the dean of the CARE team. I know you. You,” Zuli addressed two of the group, “are from Chemistry. You others are from Mathematics. It’s not a threat, it’s a promise. Back off.” She spoke with such a seething tone to her voice, regardless of her being a small 15 year old kid; the boys listened, gathering their things and jogging off in a different direction.

“Spencer?” Zuli’s tone changed immediately, as she whispered to the boy curled up on the floor clutching his bag. His glasses were thrown just a bit away from him so Zuli picked them up, wiped the lenses with the hem of her sweater and handed them back to Spencer. He snatched them, scrambling to get himself together and stood up.

“It’s a silly question, but are you alri-“ Zuli couldn’t even finish the sentence before Spencer ran off, the back of him becoming a small shape as he got further and further away.

Shrugging her own backpack on her shoulders properly and adjusting her own glasses on the bridge of her nose, she tried to tell her brain not to take it personally. She probably wouldn’t want to talk to anybody after being exploited like that in public.

As she took a step forward to follow him, her foot nudged against something thick on the floor. A book covered in tight lavender coloured woven cloth lay on the floor, as if discarded like trash. Picking it up to observe, she noticed it had S.R embroidered down the spine. Holding it to her chest, she looked up to see if Spencer was still visible.

Watching as he became a little dot in the distance, she watched as he stopped underneath a junction of trees. Go left. Go left Spencer. He looked to his right before running off to the left and Zuli sighed with solace.

*********************************************************

The sunshine and clear sky was quickly a thing of the past as the weather turned into what should be expected of the fall; darkness creeping in early, and light raindrops hitting the ground. And as Zuli creaked open the recognisable doors to the library, it was the rain against the windows that made the soft sound of sniffling even more melancholic.

Following the soft sniffles to where she hoped in foresight Spencer would be, she sighed at the confirmation. Curled up in one of the big leather armchairs in what they’d both christened as ‘their’ corner of the room, Spencer had his knees tucked into his chest and his head tucked into his knees.

Arms wrapped tightly around his legs, he squeezed himself tighter at the sound of soft footsteps creeping toward him. He wanted to be alone. He didn’t want to speak to a dean or a librarian or another student.

But as he peeked underneath his elbow and saw Zuli’s maroon Doc Martens standing by the chair, he lifted his whole head to see her smiling down at him.

“Hey you.” She spoke, for the first time, truly gently.

“Hi.” Spencer sniffed hard, clearing his throat and wiping his eyes with his sweater sleeve and trying to sit up properly.

“You don’t have to get up for me Spencer, I’ll sit over there,” Even though her instinct was telling her to give him a huge hug, she knew he wouldn’t want it, “I think this is yours though.”

Holding out the mysterious book, Spencer’s eyes widened and he let out a breathy chuckle of disbelief.

“I thought they took it,” You shook your head as he took it timidly from your hands, “It was a birthday gift.”

“Wait. Did I miss your birthday?” Zuli asked, eyes widening and mouth open in surprise. Had she been so caught up in her thesis she didn’t notice her own friend’s birthday? As her brain attempted to figure out his birthday, he spoke.

“It’s today.”

“What? Why didn't you say anything?” Zuli supposed also, how hadn’t she noticed from the years before? She would’ve got him gifts, made him some cupcakes, anything.

Spencer shifted in his seat a little, fingernails stretching at a loose bit of cotton on his pants. He was evidently uncomfortable, for reasons that Zuli didn’t know and didn’t want to press on. Looking over Spencer’s shoulder at something happening outside in the hall, Zuli let out a little giggle.

Joining her in looking, Spencer too giggled at the sight of some students carrying a range of pumpkins and running down the hall with them.

A tradition they’d both learned takes place every Halloween at Caltech; students dropping pumpkins from the 9 floors up, watching them smash into tiny pieces at the bottom. It was one of the first things that Zuli and Spencer had done together besides study, laughing at the atmosphere of excitement and madness as the pumpkins shattered on the ground.

Zuli had picked miniscule bits of pumpkin out of Spencer’s hair for hours after.

“Shall we go watch?” She asked, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose and holding onto her bag straps, “It might make you feel a little better.”

Spencer smiled at the doorway before turning to look at Zuli, overwhelmed by her kind soft voice; also wanting both to feel better and see the tradition.

“Let’s go.” Spencer stood up, brushing down his pants and running his hands over his face, removing evidence of his upset minutes ago.

As they both walked towards the doors, Zuli nudged Spencer’s shoulder with her own; getting a little chuckle out of him. Reaching down to turn the doorknob, Zuli leant her full body weight on the door to push it open.

But it wouldn’t. Jiggling the door handle over and over, the realisation creeped in that it wasn’t going to budge. Turning to Spencer, she let out a splutter of anxious giggles, his eyes wide however returning the same laughs.

“Well, looks like we’ve been locked in.” Spencer said, attempting to look through the glass and down the hall in case anyone was still walking around. He knew that everybody would be outside watching the pumpkins, but surely they would’ve seen them both in there.

Looking over to the corner they were sat in, he realised that the chairs were tucked in a corner behind some bookshelves, out of sight from the entrance door. Brilliant.

“Let’s just use the desk phone and call the caretaker or somebody?” Zuli suggested, pulling out her planner from her backpack and heading over to the phone sitting on top of the librarians desk. She’d taken all the emergency numbers of staff and authorities down in case anything ever happened. Preparedness was a relatively strong suit for her.

Spencer paced around the front of the desk as Zuli tried different numbers, stopping only when she began talking to somebody. It wasn’t that he was worried about anything, he adored the library; however he was exhausted and wanted to go to bed. Spending his birthday trapped in a library almost sounded fun, and it was only counting on the fact that Zuli would keep him entertained and busy.

“Okay, that’s fine. No it’s not that bad actually. See you soon. Thank you sir. Bye.” Zuli sighed as she put the phone down, hopping down from where she was sitting on the desk, “They’re sending a caretaker out to come and unlock the doors, but they won’t be for another two to three hours because of the rain.”

“I suppose that’s significantly better than staying here until 7 tomorrow morning.”

“The lady asked if it was cold in here, because the heating turns off at six-ish, buuuuut-“ Zuli unzipped her backpack and pulled out the blanket she was sitting on earlier, “I came prepared. Oh my god! I have an idea!”

Spencer just smiled and pulled his bag strap back over his head, settling it down on a nearby chair as he watched his hyperactive friend begin to push one of the leather chairs forward. He had no idea what she was doing, but whatever it would be he was going to just leave her to it.

*********************************************************“Is your neck hurting too?”

“Yeah. I completely misjudged the size of the blanket, and the distance between the chairs.”

They were both crouched underneath Zuli’s blanket that she had draped over the backs of two chairs; attempting to make a small fort in which they could hide from the cold threatening to creep in. But the blanket was only a small kind of throw, the chairs were absolutely huge and she and Spencer were squeezed so close together they might as well have been fused.

“I’ve got shoulder cramp, how is that even possible?” Zuli chuckled, rolling both shoulders back and wincing. The sudden movement tugged on a part of the blanket dipped behind them, and it soon fell to cover them entirely.

“If a muscle is overused or held in an awkward position over a long period of time, it can spasm. While only temporary, it seems like yours would be in the trapezius muscle, so before it entirely locks up I’d recommend a few stretches.” Spencer spoke, voice muffled by the blanket covering his head.

Bursting out into laughter, Zuli pushed the blanket back off of their heads, letting it sit around their shoulders. Rolling her head around in semi-circles, she sighed as the pain began to drift away. She knew it wasn’t just the way she was sitting, her posture had grown awful. Constantly hunched over books, or telescopes, she barely had time to stand or sit straight.

“Spencer…” Zuli mumbled, her voice coming out in the same way a person would sneak down the hall to the fridge at midnight.

“Mm?”

“May I ask what was so important about your book? Is it a first edition?”

Spencer smiled sadly as he reached for it, the spine poking out of his bag. If only he just told her everything with his mom; she wouldn’t have to ask these things and he wouldn’t have to answer them. He knew she would be kind and considerate - that’s just her in general - but he felt like it was too much to offload to somebody else. He didn’t want a pity party, he didn’t need one. But at the same time, if there was somebody to understand a tiny part of his struggle, it could make it easier. He wasn’t sure what was harder. So he calculated the simplest, vaguest answer possible, so as not to attract any further questions.

“It was a gift from somebody special. My favourite poems, mostly romantic, sonnets etcetera. Those seniors thought it was funny so used their own insecurities to lash out.”

There was a sadness behind his words, Zuli knew he wasn’t saying everything but trusted him enough to know if he wanted to share, he could. Deflecting slightly, her brain held on to the words ‘somebody special’ and ‘romantic’. No, it wouldn’t be something like that, he’d tell her. Surely?

“I feel like I can hear your thoughts, Zuli.” Spencer snapped her out of her thinking, eyebrows furrowed with intrigue, “It’s not what you think at all.”

“No, oh my god, it’s fine, I was just thinking that's all. I want you to feel like you can talk to me if you need to, but also you don’t have to, I just can see that you’re upset by something and I’m here if you-“

“It’s from my mom. She’s um…she’s not well. But she remembered my birthday and sent it to me. I read hundreds of books, but this one means the world to me.”

Zuli watched him with intense eyes. She felt full of adoration, sadness, love and contentment for Spencer. She could see he was hurting, but the lavender book gripped tightly in his fingers clearly brought him fondness. Spencer looked up at Zuli to see why he got no response, to find her smiling with enamour. Two lamplights on the table next to them cast a tuscan glow over the two of them, and he suddenly felt overwhelmingly warm.

“Do you know what?” Zuli sat up quickly, keeping the mood from dipping down and switching it to popping up, “I have something that makes me feel like that.”

Reaching into her own knapsack, she pulled out a medium sized leather book and handed it over to Spencer.

“You can look inside if you want.”

Spencer ran his fingers over the carved outline of a tree on the cover, the flat grain of the leather smooth and cool underneath his fingertips. It was beautifully made, and he could tell from the feel of the leather bindings and the smoothness of the handmade paper. He laid it down in between them both, gesturing for Zuli to open it herself.

She excitedly unravelled the leather strips wound round the outside and opened it up to her cover page. Written in magnificent calligraphy the words;

My Dream Adventures

lazuli aged 6

“It was a gift from my mom too. I’ve written a lot of hopes and dreams here, some of which I’ve achieved and some I’m yet to. She used to say to me that ‘adventure is out there.’” Zuli articulated, flipping the first few pages and pointing at different coloured writings.

“Own a lemonade stand and make fifty dollars.”

“Achieved,” Zuli spoke proudly, “age eleven. Made ninety dollars and bought this new backpack.”

Spencer laughed with true merriment before going back to some of the other scribbles.

“Keep bees and sell my own honey.”

“Yet to.”

“Quite the businesswoman it seems, Zuli.” Spencer giggled at her straightforwardness. Zuli’s smile was wider than the Amazon river, her passion and true self coming out as she expressed herself through her past stories.

“This one looks cool, I like your artwork. To fly a house to Lonesome Bridge and live there forever. Where's the Lonesome Bridge?” Spencer asked, trying to rack his brain and think where this ideal living space was.

“It’s in Utah. I love how you don’t care about how I get there, just where I’m going.” Zuli smiled, looking down at the drawing she’d made as a young kid, a white wooden house with multicoloured balloons poking out of its chimney.

“Not to crush your dreams but how do you expect to fly a house. If I’m not mistaken, Utah is at least six hundred and seventy miles…” Spencer’s voice trailed off as a dark frown dropped over Zuli’s face.

It was replaced with a burst of laughter and an excited flap of Zuli’s hands. “Okay so, I estimated that my dream house would be roughly around one hundred thousand pounds in weight, and if I used balloons that were around six feet in diameter, I’d only need, oh what was it..” She hurried to flip to the next page, covered in scribbles of calculations and more drawings of coloured balloons across the page, “Ah! Thirteen thousand, two hundred and eight balloons.”

Spencer watched as she smiled down at her drawings, continuing to explain how the impossible was actually possible. Although he definitely didn’t have a life threatening disease in which this was a symptom, he felt as if his heart was swelling. Unfamiliar with this feeling, he should’ve been uncomfortable but he couldn’t feel more at ease and peace as he did then.

Zuli felt the same unknowingly to him, her heart pouring out of her mouth within her words as she unravelled her future and shared it all with Spencer. She hoped deep, deep, deep down inside that he would stick around and see these wonderful things with her.

[onlyhereforangst]

WWR 

Ok y’all if you thought 18x05 was long, you in for a trip. Get ready for lots of caps, lots of not PG-13, and lots of overanalysis. I hope this lives up to the hype since it took me forever and a day (literally almost every minute of the 20 minutes of scenes took practically an hour to breakdown, I have a problem I know). Anyways, let’s get sweaty under the cut because the day ain’t young no more 👇🏼

Their bickering in the car but Nick smiling the whole time is a huge married vibe but also he’s so happy she’s alive and will take any shit she gives him vibe and I’m here for it. Pluuuuus Ellie avoiding nicks question about the phone call 😭 he’s so freaking concerned for her (he’s been through his own version of PTSD), his voice drops all the teasing and he actually opens up a little bit - really wants to make sure she’s ok. He needs to be there for her and ugh poor Ellie, those walls are going back up after that hug- a momentary lapse in her usual self. She’s so far outside of her comfort zone talking about feelings and weaknesses and she immediately deflects. Nick respecting that deflection is also huge growth for him, knows it’s not ok to push through like a person like him would normally do and force her hand. He knows she needs space but also clearly ready to be that ear to listen or shoulder to cry on whenever she needs it.

His joke about notable mustaches only to be the butt of the joke about using the word notable later is hiiiiiilarious. 

Her comment about Zillow 😂 um excuse me ellie you looking for houses and to settle down 👀 but then(!!) Nick pushes her down the stairs first when shots start, getting her out of harm’s way and putting himself in danger like he always does my heart 😩 like he’s still on the stairs by the time she’s in a cell “safe.” And side note damn they are good shots, oof. 

The toilet bowl scene is easily one of my favorites. Nick freaking out over Ellie moving hers and him not being able to had me DYING. Like legit cackling over his worry she’s suddenly way stronger than him 🤣🤣 and then he gets SO pissed they took their car hahaha like so mad he hugs the damn wall in frustration. But then he claims he’ll rip out the bars of the window (you know, to make up for not being able to move his toilet and still prove he’s macho) and Ellie’s comment about superhuman strength & his agreement LOL. His anxiety level of being trapped and more so Ellie being trapped is getting to him already. He is reaching for any possible way to get them (read: her) out of there safely it doesn’t matter that the plan sounds outrageous. Cue him moving back to pissed and breaking the toilet with his damn foot like 🥵 we get you strong Nick but no need to show off. Hot damn. His “I really think we’re stuck in here” after that IDK why but had be laughing again. I’m pretty sure I said “no shit Sherlock” at my TV watching live because thank you Captain Obvious. 

Aaaaaand then when she pauses and finds the bomb bricks but goes so quiet oooooof he’s on high alert. You can practically hear his heart pounding and then he goes and starts panicking slightly when she doesn’t respond with our first use of a first name, “Ellie we have a wall between us, what is it?” But his tone is so frantic and his eyes are darting around putting the whole picture together and my heart aches for him. He’s starting to realize just how helpless he is to save her. The exact thing he likely swore he’d set out to never let happen again (Ellie in danger) after last episode, is happening again. And this time, it’s not like he can go hunt the guys down, he’s quite literally stuck. Helpless with no way out. Aaand here’s where Nick starts to lose his patience. Pissed at himself for not saving her before, not being able to save her now. Pissed at everything. He cannot comprehend how she is in this situation AGAIN and he can do nothing. But oh lord, he doesn’t even realize it’s about to get worse...

Him brooding over this crappy situation in a corner and being the cautious one is so unlike him (but also so telling as to how unnerved he is by her being in danger once again and not wanting to do anything to make it worse) and Ellie calls him on being “so careful, cowboy” and hot damn again she really does like a man in uniform doesn’t she??? 👀🔥 and she not picky on the type of uniform either 😏 but Nick immediately deflects because he’s not *quite* ready to talk feelings so let’s get down to business about counting bullets BUT the second Ellie starts to worry again he goes into hyperdrive protective and caring boyfriend partner. Without hesitation he tells her they’re going to figure it out because goddamnit he HAS to figure this out for her. He can’t fail, again. And he’s so so SO worried about her & her mental health right now and I sincerely love it. I know Ellie doesn’t want to have that conversation but I stan (I can’t believe I’m using that word, I’m not hip enough for that word) an empathetic boyfriend who supports their significant other when facing mental health issues (like PTSD in Ellie’s case) ❤️❤️❤️ Nick breaks my heart, he wants to be there for her- wants to be the one she feels comfortable enough to open up to and he just gets so dejected when she rejects his probing again (but I don’t blame her, it’s *hard* to open up about these difficult topics), his body language slumped over the bars and tone is just so defeated even if he tries to snap back into his usual Torres self (newsflash it ain’t working bruv because she’s not totally wrong in calling you hovery). Yet naturally he gets annoyed because he JUST CARES ELLIE DAMMIT LET HIM CARE. Like you go through this entire list of him trying to protect you from everything that could go wrong because HE CARES. HE WAS TERRIFIED HE LOST YOU ELLIE. HE TRULY THOUGHT HE’D NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN. NEVER TOUCH YOU AGAIN. NEVER TELL YOU HE LOVES YOU. HE CARES. AND HE CANT LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO YOU AGAIN. HE LITERALLY WANTS TO SAVE YOU (his own words because god damn this show plays with my emotions 😭😭) FROM ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING BECAUSE HE COULDN’T SAVE YOU FROM GETTING KIDNAPPED AND HAVING TO FIGHT YOUR WAY OUT OF A PLANE RIGGED TO BLOW. Ok done with yelling for now but man this part gets me. The implications are so important even over trivial stuff. He felt helpless and Nick Torres cannot do helpless, so he tries do to everything else in his power to keep her away from any danger no matter how little it seems. Even hot coffee is too much for his precious babe and while he knows she’s not some delicate, fragile flower- he knows she can hold her own (& has called her a badass as proof), his heart can’t possibly take another explosion on an airstrip. Even if that airstrip is something like a burnt tongue. Ok I die now 😩😩😩

But let’s come back to living because this bullshit Nick “I always tell you what’s going on with me...you ask I tell you” exCUSE ME. Is this the same man who claimed he was being overprotective and that Ellie was like a sister to him?!???!! Yeah, I call bullSHIT that you tell Ellie what’s going on with you. (And Ellie calls BS too, btw buddy). 

But when Ellie finally decides to open a little I love it. I think she finally understood at least just a bit that he just, simply cares about her & her well-being. So she gives him a tiny taste of what she’s going through. And god Nick’s face when he understands the gravity of what she’s having to face mentally. Like I know he knew but I don’t think he knew just how bad. And you can just see that hatred towards his perceived failure turning inward once again as the mood shifts in these cells to somber. Plus Ellies last comment here with them *needing* to find a way out of there- girrrrrrrl poor baby girl 😭 she’s struggling so hard right now and trying so hard to not let it show and not let it get to her but you know she’s terrified. You know she’s desperately triggered. UGH Ellie 💔💔

We cut to Ellie desperately trying to figure out a solution to getting the fuck outta there and once again my heart aches for her triggered self. Nick seems desolate and frustrated, shutting down slowly as it seems less and less likely they’ll get out. Buuuuut then the GUM. Ahahahahahah Ellieeeeeee how do you know about that last piece of gum for “breath emergencies”??? AHHHH this man’s jeans are so damn tight (& yes trust me I would know, I observe) but like also you staring at a spot on said tight jeans that’s only maybe five inches from a different outline 👀👀👀 GIRL I FEEL YOUUUU. GET. IT. Plus she knows exactly what he calls it and I freaking love that. His excuse for why he has to save it is also hilarious 🤣 his breath emergency later hmmm doubt you wanted to save it to MacGyver something Nick sooooo you got another thing in mind?? 😏 and then LMAO it’s mushy because his pants are sweaty I’m rolllllling. Your pants too tight Nick? (this is not humanly possible btw) ALSO is this why later Ellie says she expected Nick to be more sweaty??? If it is and now rewatching I kind of feel like it is, omg what a great callback on her part 🤣🤣

Nick trying to coach her on the proper way of opening the cell door is hilarious because bitch which one of you was able to move their toilet Nick 👀😂 but oh damn now it’s when shit goes downhill fast. 

Nick not being able to see anything and his frantic questioning is amazing compared to Ellies absolute panic realizing she is once again facing down a bomb. I feel like her calming breaths are a coping technique Jack has been helping her with but man kill me now, Nick’s face?? When he realizes what he thought was helplessness earlier has just shot yo exponentially??? Oof with a capital O. This poor man needs a damn drink and yet all he can have is a club soda boy I *feel you* on that (side note #letsgetthisbabyoutmybellyasap). His woman has gone and gotten herself into another bomb encounter for the second time in a week. And he CANT DO A DAMN THING ABOUT IT. Can you imagine the absolute inner (and outer, give it a sec) freak out he’s having?? He wants to save her from hot coffee for Christ’s sake and now he can’t save her from a rigged bomb. Talk about a shitty situation. 

I just love the Torres Teachable Moment little discussion. Like Nick’s smirk gets me. I really don’t think he knew she had a name for it or realized that she caught on to what he was doing (trying to help her grow as an agent without being obvious or “degrading”). And then we move on to comparing arm length and I crack up 😂 “my arms are longer than yours” and “no they’re disproportionately short for your body” HAHAHA like what the hell have you guys been doing to know this?? Do you stand *that* close together with your arms down to know their lengths comparatively and how much do you stare at Nick, Ellie? Daaaaaaamn. From his gum to his arms to his body I see you 👀 I’m not hating tho I would too 😏 I think what I loved most about this whole jail scene (aside the ending obvs) is the quick flipping back and  forth from joking & teasing to dead serious & worried. Like they’re both trying so hard to keep it above board and light- trying desperately not to think of the implications of what’s happening but then (usually Nick) those intrusive thoughts sneak through and he can’t help but redirect them back to serious. It shows their inner warrings with themselves and just how hard this is for both of them. How much they want to appear strong and unflappable but they both know deep down the whole situation is eating away at them. And Nick bringing up her standing on a bomb only moments before he tells her he’s going to shoot the wall- OOF. Ellie’s genuine terror for him injuring himself and her then not being able to do a damn thing about it because she’s standing on a FREAKING BOMB is so painful to watch. Like she’s stuttering she can’t get it out fast enough, she needs to stop him, she can’t fathom him getting hurt while she’s helpless (uh, hello there theme of the episode how have you been). Nick’s facial expressions through this scene are also so telling. He goes from “this isn’t a big deal” to “oh shit she’s panicking” to “holy shit is she going to open up, is she really talking about this” to “fuck it’s my fault she had to go through that and it’s tearing me up inside every second” to “hooooooly fuck is she about to say what I think she’s about to say?? Is she about to confirm what I know deep inside but am too afraid to say aloud?? Is it true??” And ELLIE OH ELLIE. Reliving that *has* to be hard, has to. To finally bring it up after she’s been dodging it all damn day...you know the thought of him getting seriously injured had her more than rattled. And she cracks open those cement walls around her heart so briefly, the glimpse in it provides I think a turning point for Nick. Finally seeing that it’s not just him, she’s in deep too. Even if she can’t say it, can’t say she was fighting to see him again 😩💔 he knows. She says he only has one bullet left and to save it and they’ll figure some other way with tears in her eyes my HEART. But Nick gets it. Nick gets it because he’s been in the exact same situation. His eyes as they process the implication of her words and the fear for his life running through them 🥺 his simple “ok” is so unlike his normal self, you just know he’s once again doing anything and everything he can for. Even if that means standing down and not fighting for his way (the natural instinct for him). He knows what she needs is reassurance he won’t accidentally shoot himself. So he does it 😭 But him pacing (as a man of action suddenly faced with forced inaction) & Ellie begging for an inventory over and over (a woman of logics and data faced with PTSD) is so painful. You can tell they’re both struggling and neither wants to admit it but also they both need to do something - for Nick that becomes finally deciding to shoot a foothold in the wall and for Ellie that meant trying to go over their facts again and again but suddenly she’s once again terrified Nick is going to injure himself. The one man she fought to see again might hurt or even kill himself and she can’t do a damn thing because she’s standing on a bomb for fuck’s sake. Aaaaaaand cue the blow up. Cue Nick voicing his worst fears of Ellie accidentally triggering the bomb. Cue Ellie getting defensive because she’s so damn used to be babied and treated like she can’t take care of herself. Cue the “overprotective hovery man crap” line that had me rolling on the floor (tbt ROFL). Cue Ellie calling herself a girl but Nick calling her a woman like DAMN get me where it hurts Nick- that right there is a man who respects the living hell out of this fiiiiiiine representation of a woman in front of him 🔥. Cue Ellie saying because I’m “me” like um FUCK YES IT’S BECAUSE YOU���RE YOU AND HE’S TOO SCARED OF LOSING YOU ELLIE. Cue Nick finally losing his shit and getting reeeeeealllllllll like hallelujah do you hear the church bells?! Even Ellie knows to finally pause and listen. Nick never loses it on her, never. She knows this shift is serious and it’s happening. And omg his confession can I just have a moment of silence for the GROWTH.

Thank you, it needed commemorating. The same Nick who didn’t belong to a team is the Nick that is out here claiming he can’t sit idly by while the love of his life might get blown up again. He’s NOT OKAY WITH THAT AND NEITHER AM I. NOT AFTER THIS GODDAMN SCENE. His head bob accentuating just- how- important this is to him is so in character (thank you Wilmer) and theeeeeeen shoot me the way he has to fucking collect himself from almost crying. The emotion- there just aren’t words. Literally he has to look up to the sky and blink back those tears you know are threatening to fall at the thought of the woman who he still *technically* hasn’t told that he loves her could potentially die, again, for the second time in a week. So guess the hell what? He’s telling her (sort of). He’s telling her he would do anything, anything, put himself in danger’s way if it meant there was even the tiniest chance it would save her. Pardon the callback but- HE WOULD RISK HIS LIFE TO SAVE HERS. DON’T YOU REMEMBER ELLIE. YOU SAID I KNOW. DO YOU KNOW NOW. DO YOU. BECAUSE GOOD LORD CAN YOU MARRY THIS MAN ALREADY BEFORE I DIVORCE MY HUSBAND AND DO IT (jk love you honey 😘). But like damn, she knows it now. That look- she bites her lip and has tears in her own eyes at the realness she can feel even through a cement block wall. It’s a feeling she’s not used to. She isn’t used to being a person someone would literally risk death for. She doesn’t think she deserves it (sip on that like whiskey, mull it over, let it sink in & cry about it). Even if she knows she doesn’t need saving (and so does Nick), she finally realizes it isn’t about that. It isn’t about he feels like she can’t do it. It’s about the overwhelming pull that your life isn’t greater than the one you love. That love, real true love, is knowing you would do anything for that other person (and they the same) because the world would be worse off without them in it. And Nick will never be okay with a world without Ellie. Never. Their joint quiet after his confession is so powerful. There’s no claims of falsehood, there’s no trying to quip back at him, there’s no trying to stop him. It just settles into the room- into their hearts. They’ve crossed a line and it means so, so much. Nick can feel a weight lifted off his shoulders as he loads his gun and gets ready and Ellie can feel a weight settle on hers from the need to reciprocate. And not out of pity, it would be out of truth. But she knows it isn’t the right time. She knows she has to do it, and she will. She held back earlier when she couldn’t say she was fighting for Nick, but his outburst and confession gave her the courage in this scene. She finally has confirmation she means to him like he means to her. And she has to know, she has to know if he means it or if it was heat of the moment so when the dust settles she inquires, “what’s going on over there?” A pulse check. A way of asking without asking—did you mean that? And the shock of confirmation of her face as Nick, dead as a doornail serious says, “close calls make you live harder”….holy hell. That’s the moment it snaps for her, everything snaps into place—the agony he’s gone through not only this week, but the past couple years of close calls. He’s done beating around the bush, he’s living harder, he’s going all in, he’s getting what he wants. He refuses to let anything like a damn jail cell rigged to blow stand in his way. And she knows, she knows just how important she is to him. He might not have said those three words, but that phrase- that phrase was a direct window into Nick Torres’ soul. And by god I love it. 

But Nick pulling a prank on Ellie like that is also so Nick- the little shit. The genuine concern in her voice when she yells his name 😭 like dude, her worst fear, something causing ongoing trauma in her head right now is the ONE THING you decide to tease her with??? I should expect nothing less but damn that’s low 😂 her checking on his status update with Gibbs though feels like such a role reversal from earlier and it cracks me up, side note. 

When they’re getting ready to stand down the returning brother and Nick gets in position next to the wall but can’t even look ahead- he’s just staring at Ellie, oof. In that moment he’s brutally and painfully aware she can’t hide for cover. Not only can she not hide, he can’t cover her because he’s (locked in a cell but also) out of bullets. He’s once again near helpless and the woman he loves (and has now finally kind of told) is a sitting duck. Someone get this poor man a damn club soda, I repeat. 

And the little talk between the two parties- I love that Ellie takes point. Love that Nick lets her. Like damn that’s a supportive partner right there and I 👏🏼 AM 👏🏼 HERE 👏🏼 FOR 👏🏼 IT. He knows she can handle this shit and he will willingly let her. But nooooooowwwww weee gettinggggg to the goooooood paaaaaaart. 

Ok first, “good to see you” - this man has missed her face. Straight up dying to see her in the flesh. Just listening to her voice and not seeing the emotions written on her face is not enough. Seeing her alive, smiling at him, he needed it. But of course, let’s keep it light, act natural Nicholas. 

“I thought you’d be sweatier” - excUUUUSE ME ELLIE. Not only did you just call out his reference to his sweaty jeans earlier, you also WANT TO SEE HIM SWEATY DON’T YOU. THAT SMIRK SAYS YES DON’T LIE. And honestly, I don’t blame you shhhhh.

“The day is young” - can I get another excUUUUSE ME NICK. Words- they don’t- function. Because that knowing smile of hers- SHE’S OKAY WITH IT. GET YOUR MIND OUT THE GUTTER YOU TWO THERE’S A HOMICIDAL MAN UPSTAIRS. YOU’VE GOT TIME TO GET SWEATY TOGETHER TONIGHT YOU HEAR ME. THAT DAY IS YOUNG AND SO ARE YOU SO GET THOSE BRICKS AND THEN YOU CAN GET TO BANGING LATER. I just fucking can’t with their smirks. I can’t. This isn’t the normal banter, this is the fuck me banter and I’m okay with it. Because right after the I-wanna-get-in-your-sweaty-jeans banter we have Ellie putting her HAND ON HIS GD HIP AS HE PASSES ONLY TO MOVE UP TO BOTH SHOULDERS. AND THEEEEEEEN HOLY HELL SOMEONE LIGHT A MATCH BECAUSE THIS BITCH ABOUT TO EXPLODE FROM SEXUAL TENSION. Is it possible to rewatch this scene a thousand times in slo-mo and still not have watched it enough? Because that is me. That will always be me. How are they so in tandem, so in sync as they look up mere inches from each other- directly into the other’s eyes knowing exactly how serious this situation is and yet pausing to freaking gaze longingly (read: have eye sex) at each other. And I’m sorry Nick looks down at her lips like three times??? For a good while too?? Sir nothing you said required you to look there. nothing. And also there’s no way his hands aren’t on her I thiiiiiiink they’re on her upper arms (based on the last shot as he’s walking to get the bricks) but like hold her tight Nick please. Also while Ellie doesn’t look at his lips (in this scene) holy shit those are some come-hither eyes if I’ve ever seen them. “I’m sure” ABOUT YOU. SHE’S SURE ABOUT YOU NICK. SHE’S SURE SHE’S READY TO GET SWEATY WITH YOU NICK. Like literally, this girl had been leaning up against the cement wall for a looooong time before he has to pass her and now, NOW that Nick has to pass her- SHE STANDS UP TALL. TO GIVE HIM NO SPACE. WHILE SHE’S STANDING ON A BOMB. BITCH YOU WANTED IT. That was a damn power move Ellie and I am not mad about it. She so easily could have leaned back, given him a ton of space to get around, but nooooooo she stands right there, middle of the tight opening and says yes Nick come get 1mm from my face, touch me here, touch me there, touch me everywhere don’t care 👀 while you pass. I’m sure I’m okay with it because you’ve just eye fucked me and it’s exactly what I wanted. And I mean come oooooooon just the underlying emotion behind both of their words. Nick isn’t just asking if she won’t move her foot- it’s his way of asking if she’s ok and she looks SO much better, more relaxed now that he’s with her. The tense, anxiety-ridden Ellie that was asking for inventory or snapping about him being overprotective, is now at ease despite still standing on said bomb- all because Nick is right there with her and if that doesn’t make you 🥺😭 I don’t know what will. Like she can’t even take her eyes off of him even after rude brother interrupts this gold moment of theirs until Nick has already completely turned his head towards the dude. She’s just so relieved to see him standing there, so close to her, feeling his warmth underneath her hands again. 

Side note to prove my earlier point, when Nick casually reaches through to throw the bags of bricks through the door Ellie is leaning on the wall and THERE’S SO MUCH ROOM. HE COULD HAVE EASILY PASSED. 

Nick looks like he literally wants to murder the guy, enraged that he’s the one who put Ellie in this situation again. We would’ve seen swan!Nick if it wasn’t for Ellie choosing this moment to finally share her feelings. Because remember- she’d decided she was going to reciprocate but knew it wouldn’t come off the right way before. Now’s the time. Now when the immediate threat to their lives is gone (excluding bomb of course). Now when they’re alone, they’re together, and she can look him in the eye so he knows she’s serious. He can read the truth in her eyes rather than doubt her words said across a jail cell wall. 

“This isn’t about me, it’s about you” - well damn that got your attention didn’t it Nick??? So used to putting Ellie first, putting yourself second its weird to hear it come from someone else isn’t it? That someone is worried for your safety? That someone needs you living and breathing just as much as you need them doing the same? His eyes immediately change from Imma kill this man to did I just hear this woman right. 

“I’m not okay with you getting blown up either” - first off, the parallelism is what makes this absolute *chef’s kiss* because Nick has literally zero chance of being blown up if he runs after this dude. Shot? Yes. But blown up? No. Ellie has chosen these words precisely to call back to what Nick said earlier. To make sure he’s aware she understood the weight of his earlier confession and is making the same one. They are on equal footing- their feelings are not only reciprocated but just as strong as the other. She could’ve said anything else but choosing his exact words was so poignant in the moment. It’s like the difference between saying “I love you” & “I love you too” compared to “I love you” & “I really care about you.” And the way she says it with such confidence, she isn’t playing around, she didn’t even *have* to bring up their previous conversation, she’s got determination etched across her face with a ghost of a smile on her lips. She means this, and it’s dying to bust out of her. And so the shock to Nick’s system is quite frankly understandable. This is Ellie - someone who hours ago didn’t even want to tell him who she was trying to make a phone call to. Ellie who has walls the size of Mt. Everest erected around her heart. Ellie who could have brushed off his earlier comments said from the safety of a cement wall between them. But no. This Ellie is all-in, she’s ready to own up to her side. She’s ready to lay it on the line just like him. Equal footing. If Nick is ready to jump, then so is she. And he’s just so taken aback- glancing at her lips, blinking through the shock as he processes. Processes the weight of her words on their relationship. He knows he could laugh it off, make a joke about his superhuman strength not allowing him to get blown up, or he could man up and take them both forward. Ellie doesn’t even flinch under his stare, if anything she becomes more confident, more resolute in her words and her stance. Her eyes searching his for what his reaction will be and for a brief moment I swear there’s a tiny bit of worry, a tiny bit of unease that he wasn’t ready for her to repeat his words back to him. 

“Well, what are we gonna do about that?” Oh YOU HEARD. That smirrrrrrrrk Nicholas stop iiiiiit, Eleanor’s standing on a bomb you don’t need to light her on fire!! Because this is a challenge, a goddamn challenge. Staring straight into her soul saying, “oh you want me and I want you? How about we blow this popsicle stand and go get fucking sweaty ok? Because that’s what I want to do about that 👀🔥🔥🔥” and not only is the smirk sexy as hell but it’s also got this glint of elation. Like he could not be happier she said those words back to him. That he finally took Ziva’s advice, wasn’t a wuss and WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT IT PAID OFF. But his words also tell of a little nervousness. And not necessarily in a bad way, more as in a leaving it to her way. Putting her in the driver’s seat of this relationship knowing it’s where she’ll feel most comfortable. Given all she’s been through, like all of it not just the past week, he knows that she needs to be in control of how fast they move. And once again his chivalry and thoughtfulness of her is just- I cry. He doesn’t just assault her with what they should do next, he leaves it for her to decide. For her to weigh in on how far and how fast she wants to take them. And by the little shy smile Ellie gives him- she knows what he means. She knows her words have hit their mark and that he respects her enough to let her lead the way. And now she has to make her decision, a decision we DON’T GET TO SEE BUT I’M NOT BITTER IT’S FINE. But a decision nonetheless. 

I honestly go two ways on this- the most obvious of hell yes they kissed right then and there and started *something* and then the bitter realistic one of they were probably interrupted by Gibbs (who was literally outside like right then based on timing) but also may have just continued to stare into each other’s eyes- still slightly taken aback by everything they just shared and what it means for them. Still unsure of how they “work” as people who *love* each other, not just partners. Having that reality sink in as they continue to face off and wait for a rescuer. That reality sinking in could lead to obviously very good things (that we better see on our screen or I will fucking riot) or a slight nervous closing-off. Like not quite closed off closed off, but a tiny retreat when the gravity of the day falls down on both of them. I don’t think either will believe they only said what they did because of the situation/moment they were in, but it’s still a lot to deal with after all is said and done. I sincerely hope they unpack this in the coming episodes and give us some direction of what happened after that jail cell scene. 

I love the Torres told McGee about what happened today and I’m so curious about how much detail he told him lol but I also love that McGee has now received genuinely good advice from Torres twice now (the one about the reunion and now this). Just goes to show you the brotherly bond they have ❤️ but also that the advice was the same advice he literally lived out that day. Close calls make you live harder, almost as an affirmation to himself (Nick about what happened), but as something he knew McGee needed to hear too- they all do. 

And then this bullpen scene - one, how far of a time jump is this and whyyyyyyy won’t they telllll meeeeee. They hate me. Two, Ellie coming over so close just to hand off a file that he doesn’t even look at 👀 three, THEIR SMIRKS. WHAT DO THEY MEAN. Because Nick is holding back the world’s biggest smile as Ellie gets close to him and Ellie is just all nonchalantly checking him out with a brief eye-sex scene. Like damn this fine man doesn’t want me to blow up and I don’t want him to blow up either 🔥 Now does this mean they absolutely got together and did the nasty after they got out of that cell? Of course not. We can only dream, and write fics. This ending scene is very reminiscent of what NCIS loves to do with their power of open-ended persuasion at the end of an ep, see On Fire for example. The ending music and comments combined with the shot of Gibbs leaving in the elevator is literally there to try and persuade you that he killed Xavier. In this ep, the ending music and voiceover combined with their looks at each other is there to try and persuade you they totally got it oooooon. Not to say they didn’t, but I don’t trust NCIS one damn bit. 

All in all, cannot *wait* to see where they take ellick the rest of the season. Emily hyped this ep and man, she did NOT disappoint. Let’s see that shift that is going to ripple for the rest of the season now like Wilmer promised 🤞🏼

Oh and my only side note because this was insanely insanely long and if you’re still reading I’m proud of you for hanging in there with me & my screams into the void, send me an ask screaming back it’s ok I’ll love you for it—waaaas the whole team poking fun at Torres for using the word notable was downright hilarious. That and Gibbs trying to do everything himself, I can’t. Comedic gold. I love. I would go from dying of laughter to intense emotions so fast in this ep I got whiplash and for that, I am thankful to Gina. She always delivers 🔥

[axe-trio-commanders]

Saving Face

Secretly, Taimi was the true cool kid all along. The coolest of kids. Spoilers for lws2, lws1, and a violent, if non-permanent, death. Because this is how we do introductions.

      Wow, that was... anticlimactic. Zori looked down at the sylvari, dead at the bottom of the canyon- having slumped off of his little pillar when she’d shot the last arrow. She was sure he’d thought he was clever, jumping around like that, but... had Aerin... really not expected a ranger to use a ranged weapon? Though, granted, she’d... never seen a sylvari... act like that. Yes, some of them were a little off-putting, and there was the nightmare court, but he didn’t seem entirely...

“Commander? Wanna come down here and take a look?”

Zori stiffened, giving the group a nod, her voice... artificially gruff as she responded. “Right. Yes, of course.”

      ...She’d look at the body, see if it was hiding anything- llama hair, straw, that... incredibly, incredibly ominous note that she had to try very hard to fake confidence despite, her thoughts rather immediately going towards concern for Trahearne... She’d hurry back towards Prosperity before the rest, anxious to get to the bottom of this- that, and... maybe get a little alone time by herself. If she was entirely honest... joining up with the group that had killed Scarlet, by themselves- as far as she’d been told- while she was gone...? She knew they called her ‘boss’ because she was the commander, was supposed to know what she was doing, but... she saw the looks Ev was giving her. A human she’d met... relatively recently- Gixx had assigned her as Zori’s exploration partner after the defeat of Zhaitan, despite her initial protests- and... despite being a) human, b) a revenant from the mists, and c) from both several decades ago and Cantha... they’d gotten along pretty well so far. Unfortunately, this meant that Ev was very distinctly aware, unlike the rest of the group, that Zori... really didn’t live up to the reputation she’d been given- and, currently, was trying to portray to them. Confident, ready to fight entire dragons, having... any idea how to militarily strategize... a rather long shot from the ash-legion cub who happened to get involved in a revolutionary military campaign with a brilliant scholar and strategist. Neither of which were herself. She was, currently, thankful for the Ash Legion training that made her just good enough at faking confidence for the rest of the group to... seem to buy it, but... honestly, she was just grateful to Ev for going along with it for now. Maybe she’d have to attempt to make some time alone to talk to her about it. But- more importantly, Prosperity!

      The town was... small. It would probably be more homely without the vines everywhere- and, admittedly, Zori still wasn’t used to fighting the plants... but, soon enough, she’d find. Well, nothing about Aerin, but... something about Scarlet, instead. Scarlet Briar... Zori’d heard plenty about her- how she’d wreaked havoc upon the entirety of Tyria in the span of months, all while the commander was mysteriously missing. She knew Trahearne and Albas weren’t angry, at least- and Gixx knew why she’d been gone, though she suspected Ev was his response to her taking so long to get back. The rest of them, though- the rest of them knew Scarlet, connected her to Aerin before Zori’d even begun to think about it- and, with Aerin as a point of reference... she only respected them more, now. She... owed them the Commander-

“You, uh... on the trail of that other one?”

Zori blinked, turning back to the innkeeper charr. “...You’re gonna have to be more specific.”

“The other sylvari. Figured you’d be together, since she was askin’ about the same thing.” Martinus raised a paw to mark a... rather short height. “Small little thing, sorta...weirdly peppy, given the destruction. Helped clear a few of the new... ‘wildlife’, though, so I figured I may as well give her the info. Not like she could make it worse.”

Zori... paused, for a long while. So not Aerin, but... no, it wouldn’t be Scarlet, either. Scarlet was dead. Unless it was a-? No, the innkeeper wouldn’t have distinguished them otherwise... She nodded. “Right. And- where did you say the first sylvari bought property...?”

------

      “...That can’t be it.”

They stood in front of the door to Scarlet’s former room, everyone but Zori seeming to be on edge after she’d simply... opened the door. It’d been unlocked, nothing had exploded... almost like it was any other, no longer occupied room. Zori stepped aside to let Taimi into the room, protected by Scruffy, sure that she’d know better than anyone how dangerous this could be- she’d studied Scarlet, after all, right? Right- though she wouldn’t stop the rest of them from chasing her in, only following after everyone had rushed inside. Opportune time for a trap, but... still, nothing sprung.

“I... don’t understand. This stuff should’ve been stolen ages ago without a defense system, this is a goldmine,” Came Taimi’s voice- now uncorrupted by Scruffy as she sat atop the golem, looking around the room for clues.

“...I... think it’s been tampered with,” Zori began, slowly, straightening herself a bit more, abruptly, as everyone’s gazes turned to her. “According to the innkeeper, someone got here before any of us.”

“Another sylvari,” Marjory added- and Zori saw nearly everyone else in the room stiffen, knowing the inevitable connection- like Scarlet, and now...

“Like Aerin?” Rox finished the unspoken question, Zori forcing her fur to lie flat. As tempting as it was... she refused to believe this was relegated solely to sylvari. Not yet. She... couldn’t believe every one of them was capable of this.

“We can’t assume that. I saw Aerin too, but that’s still only two cases- it could still easily be coincidence. And, besides that, I doubt Taimi is the only one interested in Scarlet,” she argued, not quite managing to ease out the defensiveness in her tone, avoiding that... look Ev was giving her again. She... knew she couldn’t keep this up forever, but- not now. She turned to the door, raising a paw, noting the runes scrawled around it- eyes narrowing at a small little deformity. “And, clearly, whoever this was, they were... far more coherent than Aerin. These are explosive runes.” She’d triggered them often enough to recognize them by now- not... not that anyone but Ev had to know that. “And, without opening the door, they managed to disarm them with just a tiny scratch. Meanwhile, Aerin apparently forgot how longbows work.”

“Being smarter than Aerin doesn’t absolve them,” Marjory countered.

“Yeah, just makes ‘em more like Scarlet. Actually smart,” Taimi added, indignantly.

They... weren’t wrong, but... “Well, these runes can’t be the only thing they tampered with. We figure out what’s different, we might find out what they were looking for,” Zori concluded, the tip of her tail twitching as she watched the others discuss among themselves- Taimi quickly offering to stay behind and do the research, the rest of them discussing how safe it would be... as much as Zori admired them for taking down Scarlet, how quick they were to distrust sylvari was... worrying, as understandable as it was by now. Though... granted, whoever this was, they were acting... incredibly suspicious.

---

“Taimi! Taimi, are you alright?”

Zori followed in after Braham, noting his immediate concern for the young asura with a keen admiration- before abruptly noting the... pile of dead mordrem in the doorway that the young norn had just barreled over.

“Y- yeah! Yeah, I got into Scruffy just in time, I’m fine,” came the reply- Zori noticed a small falter in her voice, but... otherwise, she seemed to be doing... fantastic, for having, apparently, barely survived a recent mordrem attack.

“...Did you... give Scruffy some weapons while I wasn’t looking?” Came a question from Rox, having apparently just taken in the mordrem-pile.

“Well, ahah- funny story, that! Not only have I discovered far more things about Scarlet, buuuuut, I’ve also found our mystery burglar!”

“Well, I wouldn’t call it that- just visiting... ‘family’,” Chirped a voice from behind the golem, a small, perfectly pleasant sylvari face peeking out as she introduced herself.

Zori stiffened, guard down for just a moment, eyes wide in honest surprise. “Seremnis?”

------

      The ground had started trembling. Rude, quite honestly, to interrupt her in the middle of her study, but Taimi knew better than to see the tremors as anything but an imminent threat, having immediately taken the initiative to climb into Scruffy- she’s be safe there, she was sure. But... still, she watched the door to the small room in anticipation. She could hear the telltale sounds of vines bursting from outside, the... more telltale signs of various people screaming... huh. That was a new voice, wasn’t it? Er... was it? She had to strain to pick it out among everything else, but- she stiffened as something heavy hit the door, the wood already cracking in the single hit. Whatever it was must be...

      A little nose poked out of the bookshelf. A... sort of rat-like thing, but clearly not something meant to still be alive- a necromancer’s minion? Taimi watched as it made it’s way to the door, apparently ignoring the sounds on the other side entirely, climbing up the walls, right next to that little scratch before suddenly hacking up a piece of chalk- rubbing it’s little hands over it, then, in a single motion, swiping a chalky, bloody paw across the scratch, completing the rune- just in time, too, as a big, planty form bigger than any Mordrem Taimi had yet seen burst it’s way through the door- only for the entire wooden structure to, rather immediately, explode in its- and, from the looks of what remained- several other mordrem’s faces, sap splattered across the room. Well, that was... dramatic. Seemed the mouse thing exploded with them. But then who-?

      She watched as, then, from... apparently nowhere, small slashed cuts made themselves apparent on the fallen mordrem- those that were still moving slightly falling limp, small, green orbs of light rising from their fallen forms, towards another figure that soon made itself apparent as it approached the doorway. Too small to be human, certainly- and, once she was close enough and the dust settled enough, decidedly too planty, too, small spots on the mess of leaves on her head and small lines on her face glowing violet in the sandstorm-dimmed light as she put away... an axe and dagger, it looked like. And, rather abruptly, the sylvari seemed to notice Taimi, too, stiffening where she stood- on top of mordrem corpses- in the doorway, seeming to be in shock for only a moment before an apologetic smile came to her face. “...Ah. Hello, there- and sorry about the doo-hn!”

      Taimi huddled further back in Scruffy as she saw another vine burst from the ground, quickly wrapping itself around the small sylvari and constricting. No, no no! That had to be the right sylvari, she couldn’t die now! But- she couldn’t reach her weapons with the vines wrapped around her limbs, quickly reaching for the throat, as Taimi had... soon learned the vines were want to do- and though there evidently weren’t more than... maybe three mordrem left, they seemed to see the signs of a struggle, and leapt for the kill themselves, and- oh, alchemy, the sylvari almost seemed to accept it- not like there was much of a choice, with... that much sap spilling from puncture wounds, tearing wounds from the mordrem hounds... 

      And, then, there wasn’t quite a sylvari there anymore- the vine twisting up on itself, passing through the dark, smoky form that only faintly resembled something bipedal- that green light rising in streams from the mordrem around it, towards the... thing, an unearthly growl issuing from it as the green light was concentrated and shot towards the now-unsteady mordrem hounds, the vine falling to the ground, limp, in the onslaught- and when the orb hit the hounds, they found themselves rather quickly on fire, turning tail and running- only for the smoky form to send and even smokier, clawed hand after them- disappearing from the growing pile of downed mordrem to appear in front of the fleeing hounds, unleashing a final volley to finish them off- and then, slowly, deliberately, the... thing made it’s way back to the doorway, stopping there, and... then, the smoke... solidated- and, once more, before Taimi stood a sylvari- placing a hand on the doorway to steady herself, breathing hard, using her free hand to rub at her neck. “That is... never going to be pleasant...”

“What. Was. That?!” Taimi’s voice squeaked as she leaned closer to the console, studying the sylvari in front of her. So many secrets, so many questions to ask!

The sylvari looked back- relief holding her expression for a moment as she looked at the golem, then around at the... mostly unharmed room- then, a simple content, if... tired smile regained control as she straightened herself. “I believe it’s termed a ‘shade’, in most circles,” she chirped, watching the asura within the golem- a keen interest of her own hidden carefully behind friendly eyes. “But I really do think a more accurate description would be... carefully controlled, pure, life force. Necromancers tend to have a little extra, after all.”

“Alright! One question only incredibly vaguely answered. Question two- why are you here?”

The sylvari’s smile widened. “Just looking around.” She let a pause hang in the air before continuing. “I know, just as vague- but questions like these are an exchange, aren’t they? You clearly know plenty yourself, smart as you are. Does that sound fair?”

------

“You know her, commander?”

Zori looked to Taimi, immediately stiffening. This was going to be... hard to explain- just. Take a moment to calm down, compose yourself... she could do this, it’d be fine... she glanced back towards Seremnis, catching, just for a moment, a... very knowing look. She was doing this on purpose, wasn’t she. “...Sort of. She’s part of the pact, and I saw her... pretty often around Orr...? But we don’t... talk. Much.”

“I don’t think that means we can trust this,” muttered Braham.

“...But Trahearne does know her, and he trusts her,” Zori continued- catching the momentary look of surprise on Seremnis’ face. Did she... not know that...? “...And I’d trust his judgement more than anyone’s,” she concluded firmly. The rest still looked... worried, but... she hoped that if she made her decision sound final enough, it’d mean something. As off-putting as Seremnis was, Zori didn’t doubt that she’d done her best to support the pact- and, from what she’d heard from Trahearne about her wyld hunt... joining the team doing research into the new dragon made sense. She just... wasn’t sure how to tell that to the rest of them...

“Plus, she showed me the super-secret cave behind the bookshelf, with the condition that we shared info- and I convinced her to wait until the rest of you showed up to do anything.”

      Sounded more like the conditions of joining the team than anything to Zori. Terming it as an exchange... she recognized negotiation tactics when she heard them. Why couldn’t she just... ask, normally? Did she think this was some sort of exclusive... Zori remembered that knowing glance, and swallowed. She was... doing the same thing Zori was, wasn’t she? Putting on a face for the rest of the team. It... really was that simple, wasn’t it. Zori took a breath, moving forwards. “Well- I’ll... we should probably sweep through the cave first, make sure it isn’t trapped, since she’s a apparently good at disarming these things,” She decided, moving through the room towards the bookshelf- already moved aside to reveal a small, steep staircase.

“I certainly wouldn’t mind,” Seremnis chirped in agreement, stepping back to allow Zori through- the both of them heading through to the cave without much further argument, beyond an impatient Taimi telling them to hurry up and vague murmurs of further discussion quickly disappearing behind them.

      Zori let her posture relax a little as they entered the cave, letting out a breath. Flames, that was... tense.

“Sorry for the abrupt introduction, but I... figured you’d all be better off without having to worry about another Scarlet,” Seremnis apologized quietly. “You seemed like you already had a lot on your mind.”

Zori winced. “Yeah... I- I really, really should have been there to help with Scarlet, but-”

“That wasn’t something you could help.”

“Maybe, but... I need to make it up to them somehow. It was a mess. A... traumatizing mess, probably.” Zori let out a long breath. “...The sort of thing I hoped would die with Zhaitan.”

“...And if this all is any indication, Mordremoth will only be worse.”

Zori let out a snort. “No pressure, right?”

Seremnis stopped, giving the commander a small smile. “...If it makes you feel any better, I did bring snacks.”

Zori blinked, then gave her a smile back, relaxing with another long breath. “Oh, thank flames, some good news.”

[asukaskerian]

monthly word count - july

TOTAL: 7 069

boooooooo.

buuuuut i also got a full-time job, SO. u___u

POSTED -bleach daemon AU: let's go and throw all the songs we know into the sea - Grimmjow and Ichigo's romantic as balls first date as told through a series of outsider povs.(4626 words)

WIP -bleach: daemon AU, random grimmjow pov that's pretty aimless and idk where it's going but i like exploring the dynamics with other daemon-seeking hollows (703 words) -bleach: ichigo/grimmjow/orihime cuddle drug fic (981 words) -bleach: bloodsport (649 words) (i am so fucking stuck on that porn. they do not want to rivals xenofuck and keep trying to turn it to cuddles. what the fuck, guys. what the entire fuck. at least it's still xeno cuddlefuck but damn it.) -ofic: hatefuckers: immanuel/dhalion (112 words but also lots of edits, so. no teasers tho because this tiny barely-drbble-length thing is somehow spoiler city.)

also edited jor plagueconsorts fic AND first landlord for eventual publication. nothing new but smoother now. u.u-b

-- (this is right after the first time grimmjow tried on the gigai but before anything else in the series. he just finished sharing the good news with the other arrancar in urahara’s basement.) --

"So how are we deciding on order, Don Grimmjow?"

Some tetchy bird face pipes up eagerly. "I know where to find a lot of--"

Grimmjow arches his eyebrows, eyelids still heavy, unimpressed. "No bribes."

"How then? Aren't you going to choose anyway?" someone else asks from behind the group with heavy resentment. He can't pinpoint which one, which was probably deliberate.

"Do I look like your mother," Grimmjow drawls back. "I'm here to stop you doing stupid shit, not to hold your hands."

"Arrancar number?" someone suggests.

Grimmjow snorts. "I'm game but in that case Nakeem goes before any of you. No, I don't care how you guys choose. Just sort it out amongst yourselves."

"... I don't know that you want to say that, Grimmjow-sama" Aaroniero's chick says, sneaking him a side-look as she crab-walks out of the group like she won't turn her back on them.

Grimmjow blinks; then he snorts, the first spark of amusement since he had to leave Leucanthe upstairs. "It would save me from killing them myself."

She stares, eyes blank behind the mask. "I thought you were the type of person not to think of that as something you needed saving from."

"Right." He blinks slowly as he watches her, one hand pointedly toying with the pommel of his sword. "You trying to avoid the battle royale or planning a sneak attack here?"

"Uh -- neither one?"

"Uh huh. Because you're not getting past me."

"Oh no, I'm fine waiting a bit longer. I figure I'll only stop being fine with it once it's moot because I have him back. May I ask you some questions about--"

"No science shit."

She actually pouts under the beak. He can see her gearing up to ask something else, vaguely wonders how far he wants to let her push him -- she's so much weaker she's no kind of threat, it doesn't seem worth making it physical.

Also he's... Hm. Anyone comes at him bodily he will shred with a burst of unhinged glee, or rage, or something unbalanced like that. But in words...

He still wants to touch people. Still remembers Leucanthe's fur and her weight on him and his body still aches for shit he's given no one but his fraccion in centuries. Companionable quiet, meaningless murmurs, all casually in each other's personal space.

This chick doesn't rate and neither does Dordoni. But. Yeah. Weird.

Shit. What is he gonna do when he has her back. Like, with his days. He's not going back to Hueco Mundo but the Living World can't sustain a hollow of his level for long either, and he's gonna start Ceroing tunnels through Kisuke's basement out of boredom at some point. What can he do?

What does he want to do? He can't even imagine.

Maybe he'll have an idea when she's here again. Maybe she'll know. Or just want something it didn't occur to him to want. Where does he get fights worth his name --

-- What time is it? He checks the clock by the ladder at a glance. Kurosaki has to be walking out of school. He won't notice he's walking back alone, that nobody's stalking him, but tomorrow --

"Grimmjow," Nakeem says quietly, and Grimmjow rocks back down from the balls of his feet, glances expressionless at all the arrancar who just flinched back from him, to hide the flash of embarrassment.

He knows better than to expect anything for tomorrow. But he could... Shit, he could actually -- Kurosaki would see him this time around.

See Leucanthe. See how different they are. Learn her the same way Grimmjow has learned Rikuto, the subtle angles of their faces and the hidden markings and the exact length of their backs and haunches. Hear her cracked, low, mocking voice.

Grimmjow wants to show her off to him, wants him to admit she's gorgeous and strong and not at all like his own. Wants to generously allow that they might, actually, be a little alike.

Then he wants to punch him in the face and see if that takes the maudlin moues off it.

-- (( cuddle drugs fic)) --

Which. Fuck kimono sleeves. Tousen had tried to make them wear kimono the one time, early on. Grimmjow had ended up only putting an arm in and resting his other elbow inside like a sling, just to piss him off.

"What's making you smile?" the princess asked as she moved behind him to tug his collar into place. Grimmjow blinked.

"That time Tousen tried to dress us like reverse shinigami."

"Oh? How did that go?"

She sounded cautious, but -- interested. He thought. Grimmjow snorted at the memory, lips curling up at the corner as he glanced back at her. "Yammy cracked his hakama across the ass and ceroed the whole pile of them into ashes."

"--Oh dear." She giggled in her hand; he chuckled along, shoulders loosening, let her finish tugging the kimono into place. The collar tickled where it brushed the hair falling over his nape.

"It was a stupid idea anyway, most of us were fucking naked before that and he wanted us straight into wide sleeves and shit that would fall right off if you tugged lightly on a single knot. Yeah, smart."

Kurosaki spluttered, head shooting up. "Naked?"

Grimmjow gave as slow a blink as he could, amused. "You seen a lot of adjuchas with clothes?"

Kurosaki groaned heartily and lobbed the balled-up length of his halved belt at Grimmjow's chest. "Yeah, thanks for pointing that out. Now I'm never gonna meet a hollow again without being able to think about that."

Grimmjow let the princess handle the belt, too, raising his elbows and trailing sleeves out of her way as her hands flitted around his waist. He liked it, that she would pay so much attention that she would just assist almost as soon as he noticed he might need it, that she would touch him on her own. "What do you got against bodies in their natural state, huh," he drawled. "Just because we ain't following your boring bipedal blueprint. We're art, shinigami. We're all unique and special pieces of art. Commentary on the aesthetics of transhumanism. You don't gotta be such a philistine about it."

"... You're fucking with me, aren't you."

"Yep."

Kurosaki made a face. "You even know what those words mean?"

"Nope."

He did, but mostly because Tousen had been on an educating kick. They were up there with 'transcendental' and 'immanent' in the list of vocabulary he didn't have much use for. Though maybe he'd trot those out too, if another occasion to fuck with Kurosaki popped up...

-- (( bloodsport )) --

-- Shit. There went his resistance. He gave it another try; swore. He couldn't hold it, couldn't keep straining, muscles gone to water with exhaustion.

He was losing. Had lost. He had known he would but it fucking burned not to be taken down in a flurry of powerful hits, but to be worn down to the end of his endurance. That wasn't how -- that wasn't how he'd wanted it. Imagined it. If he was gonna get bent over then he wanted to be fucking forced and here Kurosaki was, still staring unblinking with his creepy gold-on-black eyes as he lazed on top of him. Waiting for him to surrender.

[baddyxangel]

Hey sorry for reviving this so late buuuuut let me just put in a few points.Ok, so when I watched 5a, I was having a hell of a time, considering i adore stiles and his personality, and seeing stiles do bad things makes me so happy. After the Donovan situation and then when he was in a car with Theo, saying he felt good about killing him, I really believed they could have developed so much from that story, but after 5b, it's almost like they forgot about it. He had one heartfelt conversation with his father about losing something and never being able to get it back, but that's it. I was wondering, did this annoy you as much as me? Considering they never developed the fact that Stiles LIKED killing Donovan?

It's really complex, I did a lot of talking about this on tumblr, so I learned my way around it like a pro Stiles was glad in that instant because the threat was gone, he was safe, but it was quickly replaced by guilt. People overlook it, but he tried to help Donovan when he was on the spear. And it wore down on him because he couldn't tell anyone but in 5b something very interesting happens, he gets very good at pretending to be s1 stiles, he's suddenly clumsy, his brain to mouth filter is gone again, he goes from sleeping in a foetal position (in s4 with malia) to sprawled out on the couch in the sheriff's office which presents a few options

he bangs his head A LOT in s5a and a lot of the things that are obvious do fit concussion symptoms, clumsiness, sleeping at irregular times etc

he has gotten over it (hahahahaha)

he's faking it

being knee deep in the meta on tumblr (same username) I've been through a lot of the eps 2 or 3 times looking for hints, clues etc, and it's come down to brain damage which is cured medically with trepanning (opening him up to magic and revealing his otherness) OR he's faking because he wants to fit in again my own gut says b, he's faking it because he wants everything to run smoothly. There are hints that he and Scott are still broken up, but Stiles is pretending because BH needs it, and he's biding his time until he leaves. I'm going with this until further knowledge but with the suggestions in 6 that he's missing it will be interesting that with Kira gone if Scott cares.

tumblr user sublimeglass (or was it cupidsbower, definitely one of the two) pointed out there is often a huge difference between what characters on teen wolf SAY and what they DO look at Stiles, he spends five seasons advocating violence and death, to the point he suggested "chloroforming the little bastard and throwing him in the lake" [about Liam] but he's actually the least violent member of the pack. He is known as the liar but he's a terrible liar and very rarely breaks the truth. Peter is seen as being hideously lying and he uses the truth cleverly but it is the truth. It uses a specific narrative viewpoint and that viewpoint is often wrong, characters (and us) assume and when we assume we're usually, 99 times out of a hundred, wrong. Go through season 5b and ask yourself when does Stiles turn to Scott, he confides in Lydia and his dad, he goes to Scott in regards the attack because he needs power in his corner. Scott didn't talk to him about Duke (that wasn't new for Scott) but Stiles wasn't wounded like he's been before. We have Stiles who broke up with Malia, Lydia is in Eichen, Scott broke up with him - and he wants to help, he wants to be useful which Scott implied (accidentally or not) that if Stiles had killed (remember it was an accident and Scott still doesn't know the details, he still thinks Stiles smashed Theo's head in) he was cast out of the pack - which means he can't help. So why not suppress who he is and act like they expect him to be so they don't drive him away. It certainly fits his character. It's that it was SO obvious that makes me question it. Combined with his line at the end of season 5, about everyone falling where they need to be (I can't remember the quote off hand) instead of his plan to keep everyone together at the start - that's a huge shift and it certainly fits 5a stiles better than 5b but the foetal thing - he couldn't sleep until he was the little spoon, which is the foetal thing, but people like being the little spoon because it makes them feel safe. The same reason they sleep in the foetal position, which makes them small. "This stance, favoured by worriers, is said to show the sleeper is seeking to return to their comfort zone after a stressful day. Foetal sleepers are conscientious, ordered and like things in their place, according to the study, but are also in danger of over-thinking problems and worrying unnecessarily." from a study done by Premier Inn he can't "sleep without his pillow" which suggests (from the same study) ften clutching their pillow, they can appearing to be “holding on for dear life” in what is thought to be the most uncomfortable sleeping position for adults. Those who adopt it can feel as if life “happens around them” and they are just “hanging on for the ride”, believing they lack control over what will happen the next day. now before he seemed to be either a starfish or a frog, the frog is lying on their stomach with their ass in the air (often because placed on their front as a baby, the frog was recommended for a while) but the starfish Starfish The Starfish Position was the least popular amongst those with a preference, with only five per cent of those surveyed choosing it as their favourite. Starfish sleepers lie on their backs with legs sprawled and arms stretched up near the head, and were reported to make friendship a priority. They dislike being the centre of attention, instead offering to listen to the problems of others and go out of their way to offer assistance to those in need. which sounds very like s1 stiles the details in teen wolf are amazing! sometimes the big story details are a huge mess, but the tiny details - spot on every time. so him swapping from sleeping on his side curled up (if not full foetal) to sprawled on the sofa with one leg over the back is odd. His body language seems a lot tighter as well, which is why I think he's faking it. Even you questioned how far he'd gone.

I'm kinda "eh" about it. The situation was really dubious from the beginning. A fool would know the difference between murder and accidental killing, of all things. I felt Stiles acted out of character when initially dealing with it, by not telling anyone...yet at the same time, it's totally understandable why he feels the way he does about it. Maybe it was in the right vein, but much too extreme. It would've been so much better if he had actually struck the killing blow on purpose, establishing to Scott that sometimes killing is necessary, due to the simple fact that Stiles is human and isn't given a choice. If that had happened, so much of what happened later would have felt more natural and believable. There would've been some good moments between the two. As for how it was dealt with, I agree it was interesting. It was like when he was talking to Malia on the full moon, about how he liked the power and control from the Nogitsune. That was a surprise, yet it makes complete sense why he'd feel that way, and it's understandable why he'd never bring it up that much. Same goes for feeling good about Donovan's death. Stiles is pragmatic. He serves as a small foil to Scott, who is stuck being an idealist. I believe Scott will eventually have to kill someone. But, he would never admit to liking it. Stiles ultimately follows Scott's ideals, but as we've seen, if it came down to it, he would be glad they were dead. He felt pretty shitty about it, too, but still. The talk with his father felt like tying up loose ends. The sheriff gave him a little perspective, and it was nice. Scott missed the point entirely. As a character Scott is selfish and a bit self centred, but he's not narcissistic. He has a tendency to assume he knows what he's doing and that everyone agrees with him. In his apology he never once said sorry. He said I thought it was going to be either me or Malia, but as the sheriff pointed out Stiles didn't kill him. He talked to the Sheriff honestly. but he felt he couldn't go to them, his dad because he was the sheriff and he thought he'd covered up a crime and his dad would drive him away - because in our heads the voices of our loved ones are much meaner than they are in real life. And he believed he couldn't tell Scott because Scott would reject him, and at that point it was likely he would have, but Theo stirred the pot and made it much worse, much more likely. The show tells us Scott's a great guy, but if you get past that to actually look at him he's really not. He's fantastically written, but he's not a good guy, he's judgemental, and actually displays a lot of really dangerous behaviours. In a meta on tumblr actually I found he fit 15 of 17 key behaviours recognised in cult leaders. And that phrase "the cult of Scott McCall" coined by Superhappygenki (on tumblr) is spot on, the characters, Deaton leading them to a large extent, sell Scott as the wunderkid, and because Scott is good at saying the right things and appearing at the right time (often not to do much) we believe him, right up until he does something that makes you go - ummm no and then like an onion the layers fall away. In his paranoia over what happened Stiles believed the worst of Scott so he shut down what happened, stuffed it down and tried to make amends, and when Scott faced him down he did exactly what Stiles feared, he not only drove him away but in such a way that he seemed to throw him out of the pack. Had Stiles not been shut down when he tried to tell Scott outside Eichen House - he could have tried to be objective, by the time he was able to talk about it - on the drive to Mexico, it had it's claws in him.

Hey sorry for reviving this so late buuuuut let me just put in a few points. Stiles loves to be in control. He likes to feel powerful, and he's always had an inkling of that. He really, I mean really, cements that fact after his possession. He tells Malia he likes feeling powerful - and he gets it. And, putting aside the fact that he never implied he liked killing Donovan. He just likes that Donovan has died - which is totally different in the whole "murder scale" I qualified for this post. But putting all that aside, I mean, who wouldn't feel good that a threat to them and the people they care about is gone? Even if it was accidental. I love dark!Stiles too. I mean, he's got so much potential to be an anti-hero. He reminds me of deadpool a lot. Not the point though. I guess, what I'm trying to say... Stiles might finally be coming back round to himself? You know? He (and the writers) just pushed aside the whole Nogitsune possession thing. So, it would make a lot of sense that the first death he actually caused while he was in full capacity mentally would hit him extremely hard. And there's the whole extreme emotional distance between him and literally every other person on the show - the fact that instead of talking about his problems, he talks around them and just lets his friends infer what he might mean. He's kind of really fucked up & secretive about it! I'd love to see him (them/thewriters/whatever) explore this shit more explicitly in canon.

[my-fanfic-soul]

Niall-- Dancing in the Moonlight

“I’ve got it handled, don’t I Doodle Bug?” Niall said, tickling at his little girl who squealed and ran off, a giant grin on her face.  He turned back to his wife, love and adoration naturally slipping into place as he looked at his best friend.  “Go have your girl’s night, love.  You deserve it.”

And as far as Niall was concerned, she really and truly did. He had been doing promo and then touring for months which left his loving and strong wife to take care of their house and child by herself, all while still working and following her own dreams. She never once complained about all of the weight on her due to the rigors of Niall’s career, but he knew she needed a break and that she wouldn't take one if he didn't push her to.

It had been Niall’s suggestion that she take a day to spend with her friends and sisters.  It had been four months since she had done anything just for herself, not with their daughter or Niall in mind, and he was determined she would relax.  He had let her sister and best friend plan out a day full of spa treatments, nail appointments, a few nice meals, a movie, and shopping at her favorite mall, all funded by his credit card.

She was grateful for his thoughtfulness, but she couldn’t help but be uneasy.  “Are you sure you’ve got everything under control?  She’s going through a bit of a phase and you’ve only been home a couple of days…”

“Hey,” Niall whispered, cupping her chin in his hand.  “I love you, but you’re overthinking things.  I’m her dad, remember?  We all win today.  You get to rest, she gets to hang out with her daddy, and I get to spend time with my little princess.  Don’t worry about us, go enjoy yourself.”  Lots of kisses for Niall and their daughter ensued, but he could see how grateful she looked as she slipped into the front seat of her best friend’s car.  It was hard for her to turn off the full time mom part of her brain, even while she was at work, but that made it all the more important for her to get away.

Niall locked the front door and turned around to see his three year old daughter looking at him curiously.  “Daddy, where did Mommy go?” she asked, her thumb slipping into her mouth. 

Seamlessly, like he hadn’t been traveling for months, Niall reached down and pulled her hand out of her month and smothered it with kisses, making her laugh.  They had opted for a gentler method to keep her from sucking her thumb.  “She’s having a day with just your aunties, so I get to hang out with you.  Does that sound like fun?”

“What’s she doing?” she asked and Niall scooped her up into his arm, carrying her to the kitchen to set her down at the bar.

Niall kissed her head and said, “She’s gonna get a massage and her nails painted and spend time with your aunties.  Do you want eggs and bacon for breakfast or fruit and oatmeal, Doodles?”

“Fruit and eggs,” she responded prompting a grin from Niall.  She had become more independent and opinionated while he was on tour and he honestly loved it.  She knew what she wanted and wasn’t afraid to tell you about it.  “I like getting my nails painted.”

Niall chuckled as he started cutting up fruit.  “Oh, do ya now?”

She nodded enthusiastically.  “Uh huh.  Mommy painted them for me.”  The incident in question had been when her mom had painted them with a clear coat while she was doing her own nails.  Doodle Bug had been excited to be a “big girl” that day.  She let out a dramatic sigh and said, “I wish my nails could get painted today.”

Niall glanced over and while her head was ducked, he could see her big, round eyes looking up at him through the fridges of her hair; she was about to go into full emotional warfare mode.  “How about I paint your nails for you later?”  She got excited, her head shooting up as she danced in her seat.  “Careful, you don’t want to fall,” he warned her.  “We have things to do before I can paint your nails, though.  First of all, you need to eat this yummy fruit and then Daddy needs to drop by his manager’s office to fill out some paperwork.”

Her little shoulders drooped.  She didn’t like doing “boring stuff” with either of her parents.  “Buuuuut… guess what we’re doing after we get done at the office?”

“What?”

“We’re gonna go play golf with Uncle Bressie and eat lunch at the golf club with that jello you like and then we’re gonna come home and just hang out, just the two of us.”  She looked at him, trying to keep a glum look on her face but Niall knew she was fighting off a smile.  Just like her daddy, Doodle Bug loved to play golf.  “Does that sound like fun?” he asked, eyeing her knowingly.

Slowly her face split into a grin.  “Yeah,” she answered quietly.

Niall grinned back; he loved going to play golf with his little girl.  “Good.  Here, start on your fruit while I make the eggs.”

---

An hour and a half later, she was dressed in khaki shorts, a purple polo shirt (her choice), little white shoes, and a white bow in a ponytail Niall wasn’t ashamed to be proud of, and they were pulling into the golf course parking lot.  As soon as he got her feet on the ground, she was running across the parking lot screaming, “UNCLE BRESSIE!”

“Hey, no running near the cars!” Niall yelled, but she was ignoring him as she flung herself into Bressie’s arms.  Bressie chuckled as he picked the girl up, giving her a tight hug as he swung her around to loud laughter.

“Did you miss me?” Bressie asked his honorary niece who nodded enthusiastically.  “Are you ready for me to beat you in a round of golf?”

She thumped him on the shoulder, her tiny body completely dwarfed by his muscular frame.  It probably felt like nothing more than a mosquito bite to Bressie.  “No!  I’m gonna beat you, Uncle Bressie!”

“Well, you’ve certainly already started.”

Niall shook his head as his best mate carried his daughter back across the drive to where he was standing at the back of his Range Rover.  “Doodles, are you supposed to run away from me in the parking lot?” Niall asked her and she shook her head shyly.  “I know you’re excited to see Uncle Bressie, but we’re gonna be with him all morning.  You’ve got to be safe, right?”  She nodded again and Niall said, “Good.  Get your bag, now.”

Together, the three of them made quite the group as they walked over to get their golf cart.  Bressie towering over all of them, both men prompting double glances from people who weren’t used to seeing them around but thought they recognized them from somewhere, and then Doodle Bug, hauling her tiny pink club set along with her.  

Niall knew a lot of people hated for little kids to go to the golf course, but he felt like it was the best place for Doodles to learn a love for the game.  He always made sure she was as safe as she could be (an adult was always with her in the covered golf cart while the other adult was swinging) and she was only allowed to play with plastic balls up until the point they had either been at a hole for ten minutes or if someone came up behind them.  He also only took her to quiet courses that didn’t have much activity on days when it typically wasn’t very busy.

The thing about Doodle Bug was that she was an old hat, even at three years old, to being on the golf course.  She knew how to sit really still and hold on as tight as she could as her daddy drove the golf cart around.  She knew to be respectful of all of the other golfers and to never get too loud while watching someone else swing.  She knew to always keep a lookout for stray golf balls, one of her favorite activities to yell “Fore!” whenever one went off its intended path.  She was also a very, very, very serious golfer.

“No, no, Daddy.  I got it,” she said like she was 70 years old, not three.  Niall and Bressie had to fight not to grin as she pushed Niall away and put her ball on the tee.  When Niall tried to help her get into the right stance, she pushed him away once more.  “No, Daddy.  I got it.”

Bressie whistled softly as she made contact with the ball.  “She swings better than you do,” he told his friend with a wicked grin.

“Shut up,” Niall muttered, but he was grinning with pride.

A few holes later, Niall heard from the golf cart, “Now, see what your daddy is doing?  He’s definitely not going to get what he wants from this swing.”  Niall glared at Bressie, who was grinning conspiratorially with Doodle who was in his lap and grinning as well.  Sure enough when he made contact with the ball… it went nowhere near where he wanted it to go.

Doodle Bug giggled and said, “Daddy, I think you need to go back to lessons.”

Around 1 o’clock they finally called it a day and headed back to the clubhouse to have lunch.  Once their food had arrived, Bressie asked, “Are you having a good day hanging out with your dad?”

She nodded enthusiastically, a roll balled up in her hand.  “Daddy’s gonna paint my nails later!  So I’ll match Mommy!”

Bressie raised an eyebrow at Niall who shrugged and explained, “Dads of little girls do what they have to do, mate.  Besides, I got pretty good at it when I had to do the wife’s toenails while she was pregnant and couldn’t reach ‘em.”

Her uncle turned back to her and asked, “Did you know you have the best daddy in the entire world?”

Doodles grinned and said, “Yeah, he’s the best.”

---

Several hours later they were safely back at home with Doodle Bug asking about Niall remembering he was supposed to paint her nails and Niall wondering where the heck his wife’s nail polish was.  “Do you know where Mommy keeps it?” he asked her as he opened drawers on her vanity.

“No,” she replied sadly as she leaned against the counter.  “Mommy says that little girls don’t get to know where she keeps dangerous stuff. How is it dangerous, Daddy?  It’s just nail colors.”

Niall opened another drawer and tried to explain, “Just because something’s pretty doesn’t mean its safe.  Nail polish can be very dangerous.  You should never use it or even open a bottle without one of us, ok Doodles?  Aha!  There it is.”  He pulled out the clear polish and said, “Ok Doodle Bug, sit on the floor and put your hands on the towel so Daddy can paint your nails.”

He had just barely touched the little brush to her finger when she squealed and pulled her hand away.  “Daddy, it tickles!”

“I’m sorry sweetie, but you gotta hold your hand still, ok?”  This was more Harry’s territory than his, but he’d been determined when he had a daughter that he wouldn’t be a useless parent.  That he’d be the dad that had tea parties and knew how to dress her and do her hair so people would never say, “Oh, is the wife out of town?” when they saw her.  For Harry it was natural, but Niall had to work at it.  It was easier now that she was older and he saw how she reacted to his undivided attention and he’d seen how other little girls wilted when their dads refused to do something with them that they deemed to be “too girly.”

She’s three, at this point she doesn’t care about what’s girly or not because she hadn’t been taught that being a girl was inferior, and Niall intended to keep it that way.  All she knew was that she had a mommy and daddy who loved her to pieces and that was far more important to Niall than being a manly man.

Niall examined his handy-work and said, “There we are, they are all painted.  I’m gonna blow on them so they’ll dry faster, ok?”  She nodded and then proceeded to giggle like a little fiend as he blew on her nails.  Once he was sure they were just tacky and not truly wet anymore, he left her blowing on them as he cleaned up the supplies from the floor.

They spent the afternoon hanging out and watching a soccer game on the television and talking about her life.  He loved talking to her about the things that were happening; from preschool to playgroup to which of her toys were her current favorites.  They seemed so small, but he knew to her they were huge and he had always made a point of letting her know her life was important to him.  He wanted her to come to him with the small stuff now so she’d come to him with the big stuff later.

Dinner was a giggly affair, with Niall making her pesto chicken and pasta and letting her help him in the kitchen.  She used the spoon to spread the pesto over the chicken and she sprinkled the cheese over the top of them before Niall put them in the oven.  She inhaled all of it and even helped him wash the dishes, which was just as giggly as they splashed each other with soapy water.

After dinner, things were supposed to start calming down, but even as Niall tried to read her books she was a bundle of energy dancing across the living room.  Even the soap that claimed to be “calming” at bathtime had no effect on his very much awake little girl.  Finally, he said, “Doodle Bug, you’re supposed to be calming down so you can go to bed.”

She frowned and whined, “Where’s Mommy?  Why isn’t she home yet?”

Niall sighed and glanced at the clock. It was 7:30, this little girl’s bedtime, and his wife wasn’t due home until 10.  “Mommy is still out with your aunties.  She’ll come in and kiss you when she gets home.”

That wasn’t what Doodles had in mind.  “No, I want Mommy here!  Mommy puts me to bed!”

“Mommy isn’t getting home until late tonight, Doodle Bug.  It’s your bedtime now.  I promise she’ll be here when you wake up in the morning.”  Her lower lip started trembling and Niall suppressed a groan.  They should have expected it.  Her mom hardly ever missed the night time routine and she had been gone all day.  

His options ran through his mind.  He could force her to bed and listen to her cry herself to sleep, but that didn’t seem fair knowing that her mom would be home in a few hours.  That would make more sense if she wasn’t coming home at all.  He could let her stay up until she got home, but that was entirely too late for a three year old.  He could have her call her mom to say goodnight, but that wasn’t fair to his wife who was enjoying her first child free day in several months.

Finally, he settled on trying to exhaust her into falling asleep.  He tried racing with her through the house and encouraging her to jump around to burn off some energy, but it had the exact opposite effect he was hoping for.

“Daddy!” she giggled as she jumped towards him.  “Can you sing for me, Daddy?”

“What do you want me to sing?” he asked her as she kept jumping.

“The good stuff!” she proclaimed and Niall couldn’t help but laugh.  The good stuff meant the oldies that he played for her around the house and in the car.  He had always exposed her to a variety of music, but one time he put on his older music playlist and informed her that this was the good stuff.  She had called it that ever since.

Niall flipped to the playlist and hit shuffle.  The first song that came on was Sugar, Sugar and Doodles immediately started begging Niall to stand up and start dancing with her.  He wasn’t one to say no to his little one’s favorite way to enjoy music so he made a big show of getting up off the couch slowly and dramatically.  Doodles giggled and pulled at him, trying to get him up faster.

By the end of it, they were both dancing and Doodle Bug was laughing her little head off.  The next song that came on was All Shook Up.  When Niall pointed at Doodles during “I’m actin’ wild as a bug” she squealed happily, grabbed his hands and he moved her around the living room, shaking her at various points to make her laugh.  At various points through the song he made signature Elvis moves and Doodle Bug would try to imitate him to humorous results.

The next song was Elvis again with Blue Suede Shoes.  This resulted in them taking turns chasing each other around the living room as they tried to step on each other’s feet.

Little Bitty Pretty One started with Niall clapping and moving towards her goofily one step at a time.  He started humming along with it and Doodle Bug tried to join but couldn’t quite get it right, not that Niall cared.  Finally, Niall scooped her up in his arms and danced with her as she held onto his shoulders and giggled as he sang every word.

When Dancing in the Moonlight came on, Niall kept her in his arms as he danced her across the living room some more.  During the chorus, he switched to holding one of her hands in his and pretended to do a silly impression of the tango, even leading her over so they were standing in a window looking out at the moon over their house.

It was when he turned back around to take her back to the middle of the floor that he looked over and saw his wife leaning against the back of the couch, an amused look on her face.  “Did you lose track of time?” she asked as Niall and Doodle Bug both froze.

“Mommy!” Doodles yelled and Niall let her down to go hug her mom.  He had a string of apologies ready to go, but she just shook her head and gave him a knowing look. He knew he loved that woman.  She just picked up their daughter and carried her upstairs as she chattered on and on about the day she and her daddy had.

Niall was coming back in from taking the trash out when he was met by his wife.  “Our little party girl is in bed but she’s asking for a special song from her Daddy.”

“Of course she is,” Niall sighed.  This was one of her favorite tactics to avoid going to sleep yet.  He got upstairs and found her lying in bed, looking far more tired than she had downstairs.  He supposed that now the adrenaline was dying off, she was crashing quick.  “Hey, Doodle Bug,” he said quietly as he sat down on the edge of her bed.  “Mommy said you wanted me to sing for you.”

She nodded sleepily and said, “The world one, please.”

Niall smiled at her softly at what she referred to What a Wonderful World as and said, “Of course, baby girl.”

As gently as he could, he started singing, “I see trees of green, red roses, too.  I see them bloom,” Doodle Bug grinned as Niall touched his chest and then her nose while he sang, “For me and you. And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.”

Niall started brushing her blonde hair off her forehead as he sang, “I see skies of blue, and clouds of white.  The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night.  And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.”  Her eyes started drifting shut as he kept singing, “The colors of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky are also on the faces of people going by.  I see people shaking hands saying ‘How do you do?’  They’re really saying, ‘I love you.’”

Doodle Bug was asleep now and Niall felt himself choking up, looking at his little girl as he continued, “I hear babies cry, I watch them grow, they’ll learn much more than I’ll never know.  And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.  Yes, I think to myself… what a wonderful world.”

Niall had never doubted the world could be a wonderful place, but his little Doodle Bug had changed how much he appreciated it. And truth be told, the more time he spent with his intelligent and beautiful little girl… the way she giggled, took on challenges, and moved through the world like she was confident with every step she took, the more he realized just how truly wonderful the world could be.

Master List

[sword-and-quill]

Replies

@cuntharidin said: This was a delighting piece of bedtime literature, absolutely! Can I say that I was especially excited to finally, finally, /finally/ have the pleasure of meeting Allan? I mean, I’m obviously thrilled to witness the whole band of loners assembling, but having had the opportunity to watch him interact as Tremere DID somehow raise my expectations to meet him in his “original” manifestation as a …warlock.

Thank you very much! :) It was a pleasure to introduce him and I hope he lived up to expectations! I’m really excited to get everyone together in the same space and working as a team.

(And I’m infinitely happy Booker survived – not just from the “avoid the trope” aspect, but I also think the narrative profits. The whole ‘must find new social radius because everyone else is dead’ is quite prevalent in young adult fiction, and, y'know, especially since this is all about finding people to trust after experiencing betrayal/some sort of abuse. From my own experience getting away/cutting ties is extremely emotionally straining, especially if people stay back that you liked and who didn’t do anything wrong – and Booker really isn’t a bad guy – but sometimes you gotta leave these behind as well, even though I’m not sure what’s going on with him in the story. I’m not quite sure how to phrase it, yet I always felt the whole “everyone died, tabula rasa” situation oversimplifies extremely and doesn’t answer the “Can I still go and leave people behind that didn’t do me wrong? Or that are somehow dependent on me? Is that a reason to stay?” question. Does that make sense?)

It makes a lot of sense! I’m really happy I finalized the change as well, for several reasons. I think you’re right, I really think you’ve hit on a lot of elements where the death was... well, I don’t want to get too down on myself, but it was a lazy / inexperienced decision that was easy to make when I was 16 and working within the standard tropes of the genre, but definitely needed to be revised.

I think the necessary core impact of separating from Booker - the result that I need to accomplish, in a meta sense - is generating the freedom for Mara to grow. To sift through, synthesize, adopt and/or possibly reject lessons she learned from him and the other authority figures she’s left behind. Her parents, who loved her dearly but with whom she felt she couldn’t be entirely honest. Booker, with whom she could be entirely honest but didn’t always agree. And Thein, who offered a haven of ‘honesty’ and agreeableness, but was ultimately using those as tools to control her.

Which brings me to the question – in how far do warlocks and mages differ? Is it a specific nomenclature within Mara’s universe, or did you chose to adapt the classification for example D&D proposes? It seems to be a thing in high fantasy to separate these supernatural professions, but I have no idea; Z already indicates that the warlock’s interests are of “cosmic” nature and she seems a tad more earthed with her, well, stones. Quite casual about it, too: I believed these phenomenons belong to a “secret society”/beyond convention masquerade not unlike the WoD, but apparently it’s common knowledge and can be discussed openly? After all, Grey’s are public presences as well.

It is a distinction in their magical styles, yes! Though the nomenclature may change. Mage and Warlock are alright as catch-all magical labels, but... they don’t have the right oomph yet. I struggle with naming, at times, I still have half of the Antehex tiers to finalize! Anyway, the main difference is their approach to magic. Allan’s style strongly prefers that you put rules on the spells you cast. You have to build the tunnel through which you wish your magic to travel to the intended result. Zory’s style treats magic with a great deal more trust and personal development. They’re more willworkers than architects and they get a lot of fulfillment out of watching the unique ways magic manifests with their personal touch. “Practitioner” is the catch-all term for people who use magic in this ‘verse.

They’re both practitioners and magical abilities aren’t limited by the style you prefer; in a lot of ways, I’m treating magic ‘in universe’ as art! People have their own distinct styles, some people treat it as a formal school and climb to the peak gladly accepting the lessons of those who came before, some people accomplish fantastic results simply by practicing on their own, and some people do magic in truly bizarre and unexpected ways. Some people have all kinds of classifications and distinctions and genres, while others just see it as one big umbrella. For some people it’s a career, for some it’s part of their identity, and for some it’s just a hobby. What you get out of magic depends strongly on what you put into it.

Now, as to the casual nature of it, I may need to put some additional effort into refining how it’s brought up in this scene. Because yeah, there is that thin veil of pseudo-secrecy, for sure, even if it’s far more permeable and permissive than the Masquerade! I actually based this on how casually my Wiccan and Pagan buds discuss their own practices, buuuuut... I think you’re right, giving it another readthrough with your feedback, I think the initial dialogue does end up being too explicit for the balance I need to hit. They can still have much the same conversation without necessarily tipping their hand to a stranger about how much magic is involved. I’ll work that into my revisions, much appreciated!

In fact, I’ve given it a quick once-over that I think should help! She should come across as a more traditional spiritualist now, until Mara tips her hand that she knows about magic and then they can open up the discussion.

Anyways! I really do love that you chose to invest quite a significant of words into the descriptive part, here; it’s just so very vivid and evokes a wonderful atmosphere and aesthetic to place the newcomers in – one fleeing from it, apparently, despite being versed in maneuvering the field; I’m generally very inclined to dialogue and I wholly enjoyed the character’s exchanges!

That’s delightful to hear, I appreciate it!! I thought mood and setting would be particularly important for this; how Allan treats his environment is as much a part of his character as his words and body language, so I wanted to be sure readers have clarity about him.

Another element that stood out was your choice to let A cry. I was a bit surprised, in fact – which is, I realize, all me, and pointing it out might reveal more about me than about your particular choice. Still, stroke me as positively remarkable, also gives a nice perspective on how significant the solitude and even loneliness which A’s paranoia necessitates might influence him?

!! It wasn’t a decision I made casually, but I... think it’s impactful, both thematically and in terms of character development.

Allan is dealing with a lot. He’s been profoundly disturbed by his experiences, he’s not always coping in the best ways, and he’s having a difficult time not taking it personally that his best friend decided to move out. Certainly he would have preferred not to show vulnerability with a stranger nearby, but... he’s only human and he’s hurting. His social support structures are practically nonexistent due to his isolation and losing a housemate compounds that.

So much of society demands that we put on a cheerful face, move along, pretend everything is alright and sweep everything unpleasant under the rug. A huge part of what bonds this group together is going to be that they can’t pretend everything is okay. They know things aren’t okay, they desperately need to address the fact that things aren’t okay, and none of them truly want to be alone yet they’ve ended up on their own all the same. If I do my job right, the story will make it apparent that they’re all facing extremely similar pain from different angles for different reasons. Sometimes they’ll be able to help each other. Sometimes they won’t. But they’ll always be nose-to-nose with that same kernel, that question of “What do I do?”, trying to answer it in different ways.

I don’t know, I just- Allan deserves the same space to express that pain as everybody else. He has a right to not be okay and to admit that it sucks. I want the story to have compassion and nuance for him and everyone else and I sort of feel like giving the characters that kind of emotional space contributes to that goal. At least, I hope it does.

I don’t want to bother you with an all too extensive comment, so I’ll speed up a little: The state of the house seems very curious – at first I thought he might be a compulsive horder, but he faces no troubles eliminating the dishes, so that’s not it! I wonder what’s the story behind all of this! Additionally I can’t but wonder how Booker and he met!

I can see why you’d think so! He’s not a hoarder, though, just struggles to get out of his own head to deal with real world concerns. It’s not easy to summon up enough focus to clean the house when it feels like the world could end at any moment and the next ritual is far more important anyway. I think that bit of characterization will become more clear as more context and interactions are given.

And you will get to find out how he and Booker met, in the story!! A tiny tidbit, though, he was friends with both Booker and Jackson, so they go back several years!

I might not be qualified to comment on it, though you introduce Zory with the formulation of “tall black woman” and while you describe Allan with the adjective “pale”, you don’t explicitly mention that he is white yet explicitly state that she’s black. I read some guides that say this is an imbalance to be avoided when introducing characters of color! Like I said, I’m not sure, I just stumbled over it.

aaahhhhh, I thought I’d been thorough! Thank you for pointing it out, you are absolutely right to do so! I received some feedback on an earlier section that I didn’t go into enough detail on how characters looked, which resulted in assumptions that everyone was white. And given that a lot of the characters aren’t, I’ve been trying to compensate and make sure everyone’s ethnicity is clearly stated and I missed Allan. Thank you! I’ve fixed that as well. Now we are like... draft 1.3 instead of draft 1.0. That much closer to the second draft!! Haha

I HAD SO MUCH FUN READING THIS. I was disappointed when it ended. WHATS NEXT. lmao too long

!!!!! I’m really glad you had fun! And I super appreciate that you took the time to read it and leave me your thoughts. Reactions, opinions, what you liked/hated/noticed feedback, little error catches - all of these are incredibly valuable to me and they help raise the overall quality of the work itself and make me aware of where I may need to pay more attention, so seriously: thank you! You rock. :)