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minkufu · 1 year ago

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Roles Reversed

A HC I was discussing about the twins that I wanted to share here because it’s a very fun scenario I think about a lot.

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“Do you think Siel would be similarly remorseless if the roles had been reversed (bc let's be real they were equally violent with each other) or?”

I do have a whole thought process on that actually.

Because I am of the opinion that portraying the twins as being exactly the same in every way is boring. I try to find an angle to go with to decide how they would behave in the same scenarios. One of the main themes I go with for them is that Bel is all about fun. He is impulsive, he likes his freedom, he kills for joy and pleasure and his own benefit. Rasiel on the other hand I see as more conforming, controlled, more familiar with imposed discipline. his violent behavior stems from his self importance and his vindictive nature. When he lashes out it's with a purpose.

So, I like to circle back to their demon and angel theme: Indulgence and retribution. Demons are about temptation and corruption, they are chaotic by nature and do what they do for the sake of self-gratification more than anything. Angels are idol like authority figures, they dole out punishment for those perceived as wicked and enforce the values they protect. And while I know all that is kind of convoluted for sake of a small headcanon, it helps me put the twins into an easier perspective to work with.

If you flip the roles and put Bel in the place of the one who was killed that day, Rasiel would not have the same reasons or the same reaction. Rasiel was not jealous of Bel, he looked down on him. Part of the joy Bel got out of killing Rasiel was the satisfaction of taking that power away away from him. He finally got to feel superior and now that feeling was absolute. But Bel ran because being a king was not the future he wanted, he was not satisfied with the strict life he lived and would have likely faced some heavy consequences for killing his brother if he stayed.

Rasiel would not have lashed out at Bel because of jealousy, he already knows he’s better. He lashes out because he hates that Bel is a nuisance, he’s in the way, and he’s a perceived hindrance to Siel’s succession. While I think Bel was more likely to make a fight physical, Siel was more likely to provoke one. Had Rasiel been the one to kill Bel you would get a completely different response. One I think would mostly be indifference. Bel fucked around and found out. The outcome was inevitable and deserved. However, Rasiel wants to be king more than anything. He doesn’t run away. He places all his worth and energy into the aspect of being royalty. It's the only thing he was born to be, and he wasn’t going to abandon that.

Unless his family was corrupt and resourceful enough to completely cover a scandal like that, Rasiel killing his brother would have made him a huge liability to his family, a dark stain on their reputation. While I don’t think he would have been outright jailed or killed with him being so young, he would definitely have faced some form of long-term consequence. Alongside being villified by his own family and the people of his country, all the responsibility and trust that had been put on him as their prince was broken. Nuisance or not, Bel had still been a prince, and killing anyone within the ruling monarchy was a gravely serious crime, even when it’s committed by one of their own, even if he’s a child. I think back to Fran’s comment about Bel being chased out of his country, and for Rasiel’s scenario I think that’s the more likely case.

So what does he feel when he thinks of Bel after the fact? He isn’t satisfied or proud, he’s angry. He lost everything he ever wanted because his stupid useless brother couldn’t just stay in line. Belphegor ruined everything. When he thinks back to their fight, all he feels is rage. Which falls into line with how I portray his “prince the ripper” state to be more bestial and vicious than Bels. He is not having fun.

But he NEEDS to be royalty. He doesn’t have any ambition or dreams beyond that because his future was set in stone neatly at his feet from the moment he was born. All he was ever raised to be was a prince. He doesn’t know how to be anything else.

I like the idea of him joining the Varia in place of Bel. Biding his time, dwelling on his grudges, and becoming stronger by directing all that building hatred onto his targets. Someday he will go back home and take his rightful place on the throne. He will be the king he deserves to be and no one is going to stand in his way ever again. The Varia are merely a necessary stepping stone to reach that goal. A mutually beneficial safe haven for him to exist in safety and secrecy. Providing him a conveniently cathartic outlet for his rage that allows him to hold onto some bit of sanity while in his exile.

Alternatively; his outcasted status suddenly makes him a far more appealing candidate to be a real funeral wreath instead of just a fake. Because now Byakuran has more leverage to keep him in line. He no longer has to just bank on Rasiel’s gratitude alone for helping him. The prince is no longer a wildcard with an abundance of resources and a monarchy at his back. Siel had everything. Now he has nothing. And Byakuran can get all of that back for him and more as long as he plays nice.

#khr #katekyo hitman reborn #belphegor #rasiel #twins stuff #time to test if i can work up the nerve to post my hc stuff on here more

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zykamiliah · 1 year ago

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bingge is obsessed with original sqq because he's the parental figured that SHOULD have treated him kindly, seeing as him personally CHOOSE binghe to be his disciple, but instead of that all bingge got was physical and emotional abuse, for the better part of his late childhood. he did to binghe the same thing qjl did to him. it's the cycle of abuse, it's about who is "better" or who is "worse", who deserved what or whatever. it's not a moral context. svsss it's NOT about that. the """Moral"" of the story is about how upbringing, kindness, suffering etc can shape people, how by hurting others we eventually hurt ourselves, because eventually there will be some form of karmic retribution

sj's suffering doesn't invalidates bingge's suffering. i wish people would understand this

the cycle of abuse is about how the abuse multiplies and gets worse in each iteration. qjl abused a sj. sj abused a whole peak of children. bingge terrorized the whole human realm.

also, pidw is not a "sex-pollen" land. that's fanon. the thing about pidw is that there was gratuitous smut thanks to lbh's pillar being a magical cure-it-all thing, and that later on bingge will use dual cultivation to stabilize his cultivation. the sex-pollen stuff is fanon having fun. sy fully acknowledges that bingge raped women, so it's not as if he's blind to it.

in fact, he's very much aware of how awful bingge is. that's why he spends the better part of book 2 afraid of him. it's not until after the punishment protocol, when he meets the real Bingge, when he realizes that bingmei and bingge are different.

The absence of a reveal leaves me with a bunch of questions. If there were one, everything would click into place, and we'd be confident that Luo Binghe fell for Shen Yuan, the individual. However, since that revelation is MIA, it does open the door to the possibility that his affection might hinge on the the false identity of the transmigrator not being revealed . The ambiguity introduces an element of fascination – is it genuine affection, or is Shen Yuan's need to keep his transmigrator identity under wraps from Luo Binghe, purportedly for the world's survival, a dubious twist in the tale?

tell me you haven't read the extras without telling me you haven't read the extras

-lbh fell for sy!sqq, bc by the time of the demon invasion EVERYONE AT CQM, thought that sqq was either possessed (which was later disproved) or that he'd lost his memories. his sj!sqq "act" wasn't good! specially after he broke the OOC lock. he's not "hiding" behind sj!sqq's identity; he's his own version of sqq.

i agree that a reveal would be nice, but just so lbh understands that sy wasn't the same man that abused him.

-lbh does not have affection for sj!sqq. as proved by pidw. he was a perverse and unhealthy obsession with the man that abused him, and wants to make him suffer for that, he wants sj to suffer at his hands, under his power, the same way sj made him suffer. and it's an obsession bc as i said, sj is the failed parental figure that should have loved him and didn't.

-"is it genuine affection" yes it's genuine, please read the extras. they love each other. don't be fooled by sy's unreliable narration. he's not with binghe to "survive" or protect the world, he choose to be with lbh. that's pretty much clear in the novel finale, where sqq goes after binghe and tells him that they should leave together. if sy!sqq choose to stay in cqm, binghe would have let him, because he actually learns what consent is.

I ain't gonna act like what original Luo Binghe went through under Shen jiu wasn't horrible because it was but like shit I feel like original Luo Binghe was obsessed with the OG tbh because that level of torture is heinous. I don't get how some be like Shen jiu got what's coming like yeah what he did was bad but shit he didn't deserve to the extent of torture that he suffered under and did especially after learning some things were debunked. Like if it were an eye for an eye thing sure but nah he went over to the point my man just became a human stick. Everyone in PIDIW weren't good people they were bad it's just my guy had that strong villain halo on him going strong.

Shen jiu wasn't a good person he was a kid when a man QJL cruelty permanently altered his life and worked under someone called Wu yanzi under a promise to get stronger only for that to result for SJ to become a willing accomplice to his crimes and took advantage of him and encouraged him for violence and murder. That whole debacle of him going to the brothel to sleep around and being a lecher is just one big fat lie. I think NYY reminded him quite a bit of Qiu Haitang, who he obviously cared for a great deal it's so fucking sad that every good deed he does like trying to save Liu qingge just backfires and were only further used to condemn him.

What's even sadder is that he climbed the cultivation ladder to peak lord status, only for someone to hijack his body at the pinnacle of his achievements. And the cherry on top? Nobody cares about his past memories on how to get them back . It's a combo of fears – rising to glory only to have it snatched away, and the deafening silence around his struggles. We don't really know what happen to him in the end sadly.

Luo Binghe's actions were not just bad; they were significantly worse especially his treatment of women. I'm not gonna ignore the fact that in PIDIW i'm sure he developed a fucked up mentality when it comes to consent because he virtually lives in a sex-pollen world where that must seem so normalized to him being a stallion protagonist and how much sex sceniories and dub-con is enforced with him in it.

I personally think Bing-mei retains the manipulative traits of OG Bingge, with the key distinction that Bingge manifests when feeling wronged and unloved, yet their underlying morals remain quite similar. Despite the potential backlash, I've always pondered why the revelation never occurred in SVSS, possibly tied to the imperative concealment of Shen Yuan's identity. It's intriguing that Bingge receives validation; NYY was always kind to him. However, Shen Jiu's approval holds greater significance. Bingge's fixation on Shen Yuan to me was always essentially an obsession with Shen Jiu.

#svsss #svsss meta #zykamiliah-svsss

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inhonoredglory · 3 years ago

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Run Away from Me: A Levi Meta

The core of this meta is to show that, IMHO, Levi’s violence against Historia in Chapter 56 is his emotional fallout from the torture of Sannes, as well as his own guilt at the person he had become. Coming from having only watched the anime, I personally found this placement in the manga of the Historia scene right after both the torture sequence and the Reeves Company alliance as incredibly meaningful, especially for Levi’s character and his emotional journey.

Levi is an immensely compassionate person, someone who wants to aspire to the “unimaginably altruistic” life of Erwin Smith (Isayama, SNK Encyclopedia). So how would this torture he had to inflict affect him? Because imagine for a second: This is the man who was the only one to truly react with horror and sadness at the knowledge that they’d been killing human beings all this time when they fought Titans. This is the man who went out of his way to ally with the Reeves Company in order to answer the Trost townspeople’s woes:

In Chapter 53, Levi is confronted with blatantly disrespectful Trost merchants who think the Survey Corps haven’t done enough to save their town. It’s the everyday things that burden these people—taxes, thieves, putting food on the table. Levi doesn’t once shoot back at them for their criticism. Instead, he listens. And then he spots a woman at the side of a merchant’s stall. She’s holding a baby and her eyes burn into Levi’s. She holds his attention while above him, the merchants continue their tirade. I think Levi’s thinking of his mother here: like this woman, she was a single parent raising a child in a city that is not unlike Trost now, a town abandoned and forgotten by society, poor and struggling. That child reminds Levi of himself, and this time, Levi can do something about it.

This is why Levi goes out of his way to ally with the Reeves Company. Levi and Dimo share a long, deep conversation, demonstrating that Levi’s alliance with them is more personal than merely the company’s strategic value. Dimo Reeves called Levi an “awkward yet kind man.” He goes on the say that Levi will “protect us and the barely-alive District of Trost, even though he doesn’t really have to.” This is Levi answering that townsperson’s accusation that “you in the Survey Corps aren’t working hard enough.” Levi entrusts to the Reeves Company the responsibility to bring the town out of poverty in the new world the SC will create. That’s his compassion, that’s his care, that’s his humility. That’s how he values the lives of people, not just by defeating Titans, but valuing their livelihoods. “A man like that must have come from absolutely nothing,” concludes Dimo.

This is the same Levi we find torturing Sannes.

In Chapter 55, the torture of Sannes happens because of the horrors Hange saw inflicted on Minister Nick. It is Hange’s passion for avenging Nick that drives the torture sequence, their anger at the tortures that had happened under the MP’s First Squad that motivates the payback inflicted by Hange and Levi. Levi’s violence is done, not out of his own desire, but primarily Hange’s. This is not to say that Levi was guiltless or without responsibility for Sannes’s torture; on the contrary, his actions weigh heavily on him, as will be discussed. But it’s interesting to note that out of all the tortures they did, breaking Sannes’ nose was the only retribution all Levi’s own (in reaction to Sannes’ justification of a series of horrific things the MPs had committed).

I also find it relevant that after everything they had done to Sannes, Levi was still visibly shocked at Hange’s overreaction to Sannes’ hesitation to answer their first real question. Because in Levi’s mind, everything they had done up to that point wasn’t torture—in one sense. It was instead a like-for-like payback for the horrors Sannes had inflicted on Nick. Note that it was Levi who had to pull Hange out of the emotional distraction of Nick’s death in Chapter 52, the same emotional distraction that drives Hange to overzealous violence here.

There’s an interesting parallel in what happens next with what Levi had gone through with Annie earlier. Levi threatened Annie with torture of her real body and said he enjoyed intimidating her as she was bound and trapped. Sannes confessed that for him, he enjoyed violence and tormenting the helpless—so why should he complain if these torturers, Hange and Levi, are the same as him? It’s a subtle parallel, but it’s a relevant theme in SNK that everyone, on all sides, are devils and monsters. Or as Sannes says later, “The world will always have people like us.” People who are violent, people who are lunatics, people who condemn themselves and get their hands dirty for the sake of some higher “good.” Sannes’ accusation isn’t lost on Levi, because this is the same Levi who looked at a struggling mother in a forsaken city and did something about it.

Justified violence is still violence. So what if Annie deserved to have her limbs cut off, time and time again, without relief of death? So what if Sannes deserves to have his fingernails torn off, one by one, without even a question put to him? They had, after all, inflicted death and untold horrors on innocent people. But does justice look like this? Does the name of justice absolve your hands from actions this ugly?

Morality is complicated. And Levi is the first to tell you that he doesn’t know how to slice it. “I’m not telling you what’s right or wrong. I certainly don’t know what is” (Chapter 59).

So now in Chapter 56, we come to the scene with Historia, right on the heels of that torture. The first red flag for me went up when Levi realizes he has “forgotten” to tell his squad about Historia’s true bloodline. It’s not that he didn’t intend to tell them, it’s not that he was not supposed to tell them. (Unlike, say, the entire Female Titan arc.) He forgot, and he’s clearly embarrassed when they confront him. Why? Because he’s not supposed to lose focus like that. But he did, because that information came from Sannes, and after that horrendous experience, Levi, like Hange before him, was emotionally distracted. That’s the only reason I can figure for Isayama focusing on Levi’s oversight like this, and showing Levi in such an obviously emotionally awkward place.

Hange isn’t here to translate for Levi, like she did when Levi berated Eren for being unable to harden during the experiments in Chapter 53. Levi takes the scenic, colorful route when explaining his feelings. To Eren, he admitted that his criticism wasn’t about blaming Eren for being unable to harden, stating that “going over our shortcomings and bitching about our situation is an important ritual.”

In this light, we can read Levi’s words and actions with Historia as a complicated picture of his psychological landscape. Notice how just prior to this scene, we saw Hange act out the aftermath of the torture by kicking the table. Levi too reacts, taking it out on Historia.

Imagine where Levi is right now. He’s taken on the role of Sannes in this new world—the executioner, the ultimate killer, Humanity’s Strongest. “Your hands are already dirty. You can’t go back to the way you were,” Levi tells Armin later, but it’s also what he believes about himself. All that idealism that brought him into the Survey Corps—a life bigger than being a thug in the underworld. Did all that idealism bring him here, to do this? He has to make it worth it, he has to make it count for something. It’s what he does every day when his soldiers die under him—he’s been there to make their deaths worthwhile. But who’s there to make the deaths and terrors he’s dealt out worthwhile for him?

Levi’s expression in the last panel is angry, yes, but also wracked with pain.

So when Historia says she’s unfit for the role of Queen, when she says she can’t be Queen because she’s not good enough, Levi snaps. “Then run,” he said, grabbing her. “Run away from us as fast as you can. Because we’re going to do anything and everything to make you do what we want.” Levi’s eyes are downcast, not looking at her, because what he’s saying is more about him than it is about her.

Because he knows he’s dark enough to follow those orders to do the worst things to a human being to make the entire world a better place. He knows it’s in his bones to commit these atrocities. He is afraid of what he found he’s capable of. He’s already come to terms with killing humans as Titans. He’s come to terms with torturing humans as humans. He knows he can and will do horrible, unforgivable things. That’s his strength, that’s what makes him valuable, useful, important. He’s not like other people—“I’m abnormal… probably because I’ve seen far too many abnormal things.” But he’s ready to condemn himself, to make his hands dirty for the sake of others. He’s decided he has to go full through with the darkness he’s committed, because how else can he justify what he’s done? “I’m fine playing the role of the lunatic who kills people like that. I have to be ready to rearrange some faces. Because I choose the hell of humans killing each other over the hell of being eaten. At least that way… all of humanity doesn’t have to be damned.” His are the hands that will be stained with blood, his is the conscience that will be stained, his is the soul that will sink to hell—all so that others’ innocence can be spared.

The 104th look at him like he’s gone mad, abusing a young, helpless girl like that. But they haven’t seen what he had to do. They haven’t seen how bloody his hands have gotten. His violence here is a desperate reaction to get someone to save him. He’s always been able to avenge the deaths of his soldiers. But this time, he is the one in need of redemption. He could not justify his violence completely, he could only plea for her to make them unnecessary in the future. By becoming Queen, it means he won’t have to keep torturing, keep killing, keep shedding human blood. Her becoming Queen means a peaceful transition of power. Her becoming Queen means he won’t have to pave the path to a new government with more blood and more guilt, at least, not more than he has to. He’s enslaved to doing what his strength allows him to do. He’s begging her to not let people ask that of him.

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incorrect-ikevamp-quotes · 3 years ago

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i saw your post about Charles and what his personality past and part in the story line so i was wondering if u could do the same for vlad? :)

Ah, well, I can at least let you know what I’ve seen so far? I haven’t delved too far into Vlad, and some of his general impressions can be confusing, so I’ll do my best to make it sensible and unbiased! Here you go lovely <33333

Fair warning, there will be mentions of a lot of JPN app content since Vlad and his boys aren’t around much in the ENG app yet.

My general sense of Vlad is basically discount vampire Sasuke Uchiha.

What I mean by this is to say–according to what I’ve read so far–his clan/family were murdered by vampire hunters in cold blood when he was just a young boy. Presumably as a result of that traumatic event, he harbors a sizable enmity towards humanity and kind of lashes out on them in weirdly specific moments of violence. Another aspect of his motivation is something that’s mentioned within Comte’s route; which is that Vlad went through the timespace door on his own one day and allegedly saw a devastated future, where nothing remains of life on earth more or less.

I guess the reason I find him to be so perplexing is that he speaks about his actions in terms of efficiency, while most of the things he does just feel like unhappy outbursts (v often a product of unresolved trauma symptoms, I’d wager.) I also say this because he appears to have no larger pattern to his fury beyond the original event of his loss. Most of the human beings he attacks aren’t much of a threat to him and hurting them really doesn’t bring him any dividends beyond revenge.

For instance, he insists his disdain for humanity and insistence on controlling them is for the sake of ensuring they do not destroy the future–the horrifying wasteland he witnessed when he traveled through the timespace door. However, I’m not really sure how his current movements really speak to that goal? I mean sure, maybe he’s relying on Faust to create an immortal human so that humans will be forced to care because it will be their future too, but he doesn’t allow Faust to draw his pureblood blood for experimenting. (One can most certainly argue this was more about a lack of trust, and perhaps for plenty reason: Faust is vindictive enough to try to turn the tables and exert control over Vlad, or act on his own whims with his findings.) But if that’s the solution he’s waiting on, turning the rivals of the men in the mansion doesn’t really bring him any closer to that vision either? I mean, what good does it do to bring back Gilles de Rais–a prominent French serial killer? How would unleashing him on the populace help humanity “realize the error of it’s short-sighted and wasteful ways” and move to a brighter future?

Can’t help it, I ask these questions as I read.

In Comte’s main story, Comte hammers home that Vlad is not somebody to be taken lightly. One day when MC goes out to buy flowers, Vlad poses as a human florist to sell them to her–which is how Comte finds out he’s in France, and that he’s made contact with MC. When prompted, Comte describes him in a very particular way; and I think people really overlook this when they talk about their relationship. He says that Vlad is frighteningly pure in terms of the way he thinks and acts. The way I understood his description (given what I’ve seen of Vlad) is that Comte really does mean it point blank: Vlad is very simple in terms of why and how he does things. The issue with this is that nuance and context are lost on Vlad as well–and that’s where the problems start to flood in. Vlad is angry at humanity for what they’ve done to him. Baseline? That’s fair, they killed his damn family. However, Vlad thinks that by extension he has the right to decimate the general public and attack people completely uninvolved in his hurt.

And that isn’t right either–it’s ignoring so many factors here. He’s ignoring how much vampires use and toy with humans as pawns, it’s ignoring the massive power imbalance between him and his victims (this really isn’t a case of self-defense most of the time, nobody but Comte/Leo is a sizable threat to him), and he’s ignoring whether or not a person even did anything to deserve his retributive violence. While murder is never okay, it is perhaps more understandable when we see Jeanne’s frenzied and violent belligerence in response to a man who murders a boy’s mother for the sake of his own amusement/convenience. Vlad literally sees almost every single one of the rivals he created begin to heal/improve and murders them in cold blood because they are no longer of any use to him. That’s uh……..that’s a little messed, not gonna lie to you chief.

While part of me understands the efficiency here–he doesn’t want to leave any traces of his involvement, he doesn’t want any loose ends–it’s also just kind of foolish and cruel ultimately. From my understanding of the narrative, all the people he turned had some visible sign that indicated their origin to Comte. So even if he claims it was for the sake of concealment, it was more likely about his personal convenience. Which…..also yikes.

[Comte clearly does not trust Vlad to be reasonable, and I think there’s plenty of good reason enumerated above, but I actually don’t sense quite so much hatred? I think he’s just given up on the idea of Vlad growing up, even if he doesn’t like giving up on people. And considering Vlad’s behavior, I think it’s overkill to say that Comte just abandons him because he doesn’t care lmao. Even when Comte expresses real anger at the end of his own route, it was more because Vlad was fine with endangering MC’s life just to get back at him. I think Comte’s unhappiness with Vlad has more to do with Vlad’s treatment of human life as meaningless and worthless. It’s fascinating but also kind of sad? Vlad’s traumatic experience results in behavior that is a direct exacerbation of Comte’s trauma, and as such--no matter their potentially fond history--they can’t stomach each other.]

In Comte’s route, Vlad also has Shakespeare abduct MC and take her to the cathedral. Later on in the castle, we see an immediate display of Vlad’s shocking powers: he has the ability to manipulate people’s desires/thoughts. I’m not exactly sure how this works, but he is able to give MC visions of the mansion and Comte coming on to her–which shocks her into realizing it’s all just a dream. It’s not reality; it’s all manufactured by Vlad.

After that...weird introductory note...Vlad gives MC the rundown on his life together with Comte, which as always is subject to a question of bias. My assumption is that he did not lie, only because he was trying to convince MC that he was “right.” Furthermore, he does not omit the most damning evidence of his erroneous judgement, which suggests a continued inability for him to see where he went wrong.

We get a series of three flashbacks. The first is them as young kids. I don’t know if Vlad had already experienced the horrors of his family being destroyed, but this particular flashback focuses on Comte. His parents, in an effort to teach him that vampires and humans have no ability to co-exist, send away all of his teachers/mentors/nannies/the servants--pretty much everyone and anyone he was closely bonded to. Think about it this way: we can see that Comte is very sociable and affectionate by nature. He was living in a house full of people, all of whom cared about him and looked after him in their own way. Now the house is entirely empty. Naturally Comte is very very upset, and Vlad appears to try to cheer him up with little success.

[When I look back on this scene I don’t think I initially registered the sheer dissonance of Vlad’s reaction, versus Comte’s catatonic misery. There was a very solemn feeling to that memory, and the correct choice in terms of extending comfort is to hold his hand believe it or not. There is a sense that he feels very alone. When young boy Vlad enters one can argue that it was the proper thing to do; he was trying to cheer up his playmate and friend. But at the same time, I think I need to double check. Because I’m beginning to wonder if I was wrong. What if Vlad was happy to see someone as alone as him, and that joy is accordingly dissonant for that reason? He can’t see what Comte needs or how he’s hurting because he’s so glad he isn’t alone anymore in a way.]

The second flashback is the war nurse scene that I have spoken at length about. The important thing to focus on here is Vlad’s surprise that Comte would opt out of turning her out of respect for her wishes. The way Vlad frames the situation is starkly different from Comte’s. Comte sees himself as an outsider, somebody who invaded her life as a result of the timespace door and therefore has no right to suddenly change the course of her fate. He had no idea if she even wanted to live (considering the horrors she’d have to cope with and remember) or leave that time period at all, for that matter (considering the only thing keeping her going was helping the wounded/victims). Comte really was listening to everything she had to say, and he was taking her concerns and motivations seriously.

Vlad simply says: if you want her, take her. It’s as simple as that for him. And in one way that’s not entirely wrong--assuming Comte would have every intention of looking after her and actually cares a lot about her. But what’s being ignored here is her agency and the fact that they really don’t know each other that well? Something like that could begin and be rocky, if it doesn’t end in complete disaster. Worse, I get the feeling Vlad is perfectly fine with the notion of turning her and if things don’t work out, just kill her or get rid of her. Again, the simplistic thinking comes into play here: it ultimately comes down to Vlad being self-centered. He’s thinking only in terms of satisfying his needs, he doesn’t seem to have any concept of a larger pair or group feeling. There’s an inability to bend/be flexible for the sake of maintaining a greater harmonious feeling.

[For the record, I don’t think this makes him irredeemable? Only that it makes it very hard to live with him or love him, probably. There’s an inability to live at a joint pace? It’s always answering to what he wants without room for anything else most of the time, which to me is not living and it’s not love ;;;;]

Following their escape back to their own time, Vlad explains how he wants to use the door to turn geniuses and control humanity. He eventually wants to create a surveillance state, which would mean everyone is forced to move with his explicit approval, more or less. (He almost reminds me of Louis XIV, can’t tell if that’s what they were going for.) I have my doubts that his abilities could extend that far, but human history shows us that we are plenty susceptible to fascist and totalitarian rhetoric. In a shocking display of anger, Comte draws the line at controlling humanity and forcing them into a regime in which, and this is Vlad’s description not mine, “we (purebloods) would be like kings.” There’s definitely a concept of evolutionary superiority at play here, which echoes what I mentioned earlier; vampires seem to have this awareness that they’re apex predators in a sense, and enjoy the power that comes with that. Unfortunately, that probably makes for a fairly toxic/uncomfortable larger species culture, which is exactly what Comte and Leo hate lmao.

Vlad does not seem to find any issue with this sort of outlook, and asks MC to decide which of them--Vlad or Comte--is right. Who is more realistic, who best understands the future? As expected the MC replies that it's Comte, and Vlad goes from beseeching to big mad at record speed. He's p much that gif of the teddy bear that smacks its head down on the tables and then has the angry eyebrows.

This is where Comte intervenes, firing a warning shot that grazes Vlad's cheek and demanding he let MC go. In response, Vlad shoves MC into the turbulent timespace door--p much guaranteeing MC's death. (Essentially timespace is a void of sorts, a human being could never survive in that environment for long. Vlad fully knew this, and yeeted her anyway.)

So uh, yeah. Disagreement? Death. Moving on? Death. Nuanced approach to reality? Death. Beginning to think he doesn't really have a lot of patience or open-mindedness or any other kind of problem-solving approach.

He raises flowers and gardens like a fiend, and he openly plucks any single flower with a blemished leaf. Even if a single petal is slightly damaged, it will be removed and destroyed. So one could argue his extremism reflects a kind of perfectionism as well. No room for errors or troublesome dissent. No ugliness of any kind. I mean in all of his interactions with Faust and Charles this is the overt undertone. Don't ask more of me than I'm willing to give. Behave like good children, mommy's busy. Is that insubordination? boss music begins

One thing I actually don't understand very well is his decision making in Dazai's route. Dazai finds out about what Vlad's doing in a nanosecond when he senses MC is in danger, and yet Vlad makes absolutely no move to eliminate Dazai? He just watches from the shadows. Even when Dazai grills Charles about his loyalty to Vlad, no retribution.

My best guess for this specific situation is that Vlad does derive some level of satisfaction thwarting the future of human beings/former humans. Dazai--being somebody with no great desire to live, no rivals to speak of as far as we can tell, and no larger aspirations--is a life that is easily extinguished. There's no satisfaction in it. When Vlad's clan was murdered and he saw the future decimated, it could be that he felt humans had invaded and eradicated every potentiality that was important to him. Where he might have lived happily with his family, that future was ripped from his grasp. Where he might enjoy his flowers and the creation of an immortal for the rest of conceivable time, that too was ripped from his grasp with a desolate future.

So much about who Vlad is is about control, so it's very possible his lashing out is an extension of that. Dazai does not awaken any of the disdain he feels, and he does not succeed in overthrowing Vlad's control over Charles, so Vlad simply lurks in silence.

And last but not least, I've seen the preview to Vlad's newest birthday event story. The contents are incredibly revealing, in that MC wishing him a happy birthday and offering him a gift has him saying that it was "the best birthday ever." Granted idk if that’s sweet or just...beyond sad, but here we are. It’s only compounding my curiosity about the wound on his chest--I really do wonder if he was attacked and locked away by vampire hunters or hostile human beings or something. I say that only because that line speaks to a lot of isolation, and given how little he seems to care about turning people/subjecting them to his whims it feels odd. Why the isolation or lack of people who care about him? Is it a perceived lack where his actions alienated all the people who wanted to be close to him, or is it a more involuntary lack?

When she says let’s celebrate again next year, he seems a pleasantly shocked by the notion, and remarks “Ah yes, it’s a promise c:”. The preview was also mega horny: “You make me feel so loved, I don’t think I can be gentle with you tonight. If you enjoy it so much, then I won’t stop. I want to see you completely lost for me. I’ll teach your body what it means to be loved by a pureblood.” Aaaaaand pretty sure the CG was alluding to him licking the good stuff from her basement, though not entirely sure given it was only the preview.

The brief POV they give us is also very revealing:

“You always keep your promises, and I think I underestimate all the time how much you saved me. You are good, only you are good in this world.”

“Will we continue to make promises to each other in the future? Well in that case--you will always, always be mine, my vampire.”

Tbh he’s...v sweet? In his own way? Honestly he feels like a crabapple that is just so sick of the world and wants softe wife to take comfort in. While granted that’s not really my thing, I know a fanbase appeal exists for these types--so if that’s your thing, have at it!

So now that we have reached the end of my ridiculously long analysis (when am I ever brief, I’m so sorry. If you made it all the way here you deserve a cookie at the very least, if not the right to chase me with a bat) perhaps it’s more clear why I said discount vampire Sasuke Uchiha? “My clan is gone, every other second I’m going to be in retraumatization insanity, when I’m not I’ll be seeking power/hobbies, planning the demise of people who wanted the best for me, building a team to my advantage and unquestioned control, and eventually settling for a lifelong love who sees the best in me despite my more difficult moments and perceived hollowing loneliness. Not the most ideal comparison, but I will say if Vlad was not already named the historical figure, would have pointed and yelled Uchiha.

That’s all from me folks, hopefully this was a fun way to get introduced to him? And again, hope I didn’t alienate--I fully respect what people do and don’t enjoy o7

#asks #ikevamp #ikemen vampire #ikevamp meta #ikevamp vlad #ikevamp comte #ikevamp saint germain #ikevamp leonardo #ikevamp faust #ikevamp charles #ikevamp dazai #i hope this was helpful!#i had too much fun writing it jkahlgkjhgdf i love meta #but thank you for submitting <33333 #oh discount vampire sasuke uchiha we really in it now #rambles #not incorrect quotes

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lizacstuff · 3 years ago

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Your thoughts on the epi?

This episode was everything! I don't remember when I've enjoyed crying so much. The funny thing is, though, that I've found myself crying more while rewatching those scenes, than I cried during the first time I watched the episode. This episode will definitely rank among my favorites. Let's talk about the B and C characters and then get to Edser and, of course, Kiraz at the end. I spent the first 30 minutes resisting the urge to punch my screen anytime Ayfer was on it. Damn, I wanted to slap her silly. Could she have been any more annoying? Eda's a grown woman, if she is finally doing the right thing and telling the father of her child he's a dad, then be supportive instead of a screeching pain in the ass. When she actually said "I told you so" to an upset Eda... seriously? That is awful. What a bitter, joyless, petty individual. I was cheering for Melo every time she told Ayfer she was negative. Good! At least we know the other characters recognize how awful she is.

(I get long winded, so this continues under the cut)

Also what was with her going overboard to protect Burak's feelings over his delusional aspirations? Why shouldn't he understand that Serkan and Eda shared a great love and Melo is rooting for them to rekindle it? What does hiding that from him do? It's still true. Ayfer treats this dude as a member of the family, so he might as well know. I get his feelings might get hurt, but dude needs a reality check and to move on, and no matter how hard Ayfer hopes, Serkan in their lives or no, Eda is never going to want Burak. She's made that clear. If Ayfer likes him so much maybe she should marry him, that way at least Melo would be saved from his milquetoast presence.

Speaking of that, they were clearly trying to establish some sort of connection or vibe between him and Melo. So far, I'm not into it. If he's still so into Eda that Ayfer doesn't want him to have to hear about Eda/Serkan possibly reuniting, then he doesn't deserve Melo. Melo deserves someone who wants her, not someone who pines after someone out of his league and then settles for her bff once he realizes he never had a shot with the great beauty. We'll see how it develops, but he has the personality of damp carpet so I don't have high hopes.

Aydan was a little screechy this episode, but I cut her some slack since she just found out these traitors stole 5 years of her granddaughter's life from her. My friend @echoapothecary made a good point to me that Aydan deserves no sympathy for this since she didn't tell Eda Serkan was alive back in amnesia times, and I don't disagree with that. That move by Aydan pretty much tainted her character forever, and it's near impossible to come back from, but viewing this story in a capsule I do feel sorry for her. She wasn't a good mother to Serkan, but she does love him, and I think she craves family. The main point being, Serkan wasn't the only one who lost something significant by not knowing about Kiraz until now, Aydan did too. Perhaps we can say that losing the first five years of her granddaughter's life is her punishment for keeping the secret about Serkan, it's about as steep a penalty as one could pay. Talk about karmic retribution.

Also, since Serkan is apparently not going to impose any emotional tolls on any of the traitors for the secret that was kept from him, I'm glad Aydan did at least make her displeasure known and made some of the liars uncomfortable. Piril, at least, felt it, even if she won't suffer any real consequences. I kind of wanted Serkan to kick her out of the company. I really don't like that character and I think every time she's on screen she just sucks the life out of the show. Engin when he's in scenes with Serkan or Eda or Melo or Aydan or Erdem = Interesting. Engin when he's with Piril = Zzzzzzz.

Pina and Kerem were cute, but to be honest I really don't care. It's inoffensive and I get that we need B, C and D storylines to fill out two hours each week, so I'm good with it, but let's be real I'm only watching for the main event.

Speaking of... now to EDSER! I actually like that Serkan walked out and drove away after hearing the truth. I can only imagine what kind of shock and betrayal he must have felt at that moment, escaping must have seemed like his best option. What I liked even more is that Eda followed him. What a relief after the last episode where she was looking for any and every excuse not to tell him and then made the nonsensical decision to flee in order to avoid it. Too many times in the past between these two pride has gotten in the way. There was a time that Eda might have thrown up her hands at him leaving and pretended like it didn't hurt, that it didn't matter. I'm so glad those days seem to be over. One of the hallmarks of season 2 has been the improved communication (sans secret) between these two and this episode took that concept to a new level.

How heartbreaking to watch Eda plead with Serkan through the door, and how double-y heartbreaking to watch Serkan sitting on the floor, head bent, clearly in emotional agony. You could feel it coming off of him. Kudos to both Hande and Kerem who KILLED IT this episode. Seriously, their best work to date. Their chemistry is always on point, but the way they flawlessly work off of one another in every scene they share, whether it's deeply dramatic or something light and romantic is truly something special to behold. That's one reason why I don't get the folks who are so hung up in hating the season 2 plotline, that they can't appreciate any of this. Because this is the point. Giving these two artists deep and challenging scenes together and opportunities to make more magic. Watching them this season is honestly a privilege and I plan on enjoying every minute of it.

Despite Serkan's emotional turmoil, it was so like him to put the blanket over her and then sit across from her sleeping form as he indulged in some more brooding. However, I really appreciate that by the morning he was ready to talk to her. That conversation was hard, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who was jarred by him saying that he would have told her to get an abortion. In light of his later confessions, I think there's a few ways to take that. I think it was in part a nod to what an emotional mess he was at the time, and in part he said it to alleviate some of her guilt. Because even a betrayed and hurt Serkan cares so much about her, and he knows what he put who through at the time. Especially because at that moment he still had no plans to tell her the truth about why he broke up with her, he was still playing the part of the man who just didn't want children. So stubborn! Thank goodness that over the course of the next 12 hours he'll change his mind about that...

On another note, how happy did it make you to see Sirius? It made me pretty happy. He lives!!!!

From the moment Eda went to his hotel room the night before to confess all the way until they met again at the hotel, Eda really did everything right in how she approached him. However, once back in Sile, she makes her first critical error. It reminded me of the Eda in episode 29 who started pushing so hard at amnesia!Serkan and coming at him with such extreme emotion that he shut down. And that's what happened during that conversation on the beach. Eda needed to give him a little bit of time to come to terms with things, instead of forcing a conversation the first moment they saw one another. Good grief, what was she doing demanding answers from him hours after he found out? She knows this man! She knows that he plans every aspect of his life. So to spring on him that you hid a child from him for 5 years and he's a dad, is a LOT. I like that in a later scene he knows he reacted badly, and actually also says to her "What did you expect?" While his reaction wasn't great, it was also pretty predictable and she should have known to give him some time.

Speaking of the conversation on the beach, what a powerhouse scene for Hande. One note on it, that was the scene they had just shot when Hande and Kerem did their last IGlive on premiere day. The one where Kerem kept talking about how he was in a mood because of an intense scene they had just done. After watching I couldn't help but note that he, as Serkan, mostly just stood there stoically as Hande did all the emoting as Eda let loose on all the pent up emotion she'd been carrying both for years and with Serkan's fresh rejection. It speaks to both their personal and professional dynamic that he was so affected by her being in that state since he didn't do the heavy lifting in that specific scene. The way they are attuned to each other is probably a big reason they are so flawlessly in sync on screen.

I liked how they weaved the Kiraz/Baba scene in at the right time. That was one instance where Aydan, Seyfi and Engin's meddling was for the good, engineering a situation where Serkan was alone with his daughter. Also excellent comedy from Can, ratting out his dad about throwing ice cream on him. Good stuff. I like Engin-as-a-father scenes, I like Engin-as-a-friend scenes, I could just do without Engin-as-a-husband scenes. Anyway, Serkan needed time to adjust, but he also needed to be exposed to Kiraz so that he could view their prior unlikely bond through the new prism of fatherhood. It's telling how easily he slid into Dad territory with teaching her how to tie her shoes. He had been doing that all along, but at that moment he knew about the relationship and still did what was natural. He is ready to be her father, he just needs to realize he's worthy of it.

You can't blame Eda for not realizing it, but it was lovely to see how quickly Serkan turned the corner. He was already adjusting his thinking not even 24 hours after he found out about Kiraz and that was really what inserting himself

into her dealings with the Italians was about. Staying in contact until he could beat back all his neurosis. As for the business stuff, she apparently needed him as an investor, but I also love the way he was there to first build up her confidence and then praise her after a successful presentation. I've said it before but Serkan as her professional mentor is one of my favorite dynamics between them. It did make me wonder, is she still 45% owner of the Holding? It seems like it, she sure didn't hesitate to present herself as his partner. If she is, though, it seems impossible that they could have had zero contact for all those years, unless she just placed her stake in a trust and gave him full voting control of it. Details I'm sure they won't explore in-depth, but I did wonder.

Don't you just love an unwitting guest character (Italian guy) who comes in and forces our two protagonists to spend extra time together? I do. Thank you Italian guy and Italian guy's wife! I love how quick Serkan was to accept, you see, he had already turned a corner and was looking for excuses to get close to her. It was his first step in his journey to opening up to her. Also, who noticed that Eda wore a slinky blue dress the night after Kiraz mentioned that it's Serkan's favorite color? Just checking. She is not as immune to his charms as she'd like us to believe...

OF COURSE Serkan was at Eda's graduation. I think pretty much the whole fandom had guessed that from their conversation in episode 40, but it still hit me emotionally to have it confirmed. What I really liked about it was that Serkan didn't tip his hand by accident. He quoted her graduation speech specifically because he wanted her to know he was there. And not only that he willingly admits that he thought of her every single day since they parted. This is a huge step for him. It has been driving him crazy that Eda thinks he forgot her and is totally unaffected by her. However, even just a few hours earlier he was still in a place where he had no intention to tell her anything, it's actually impressive how quickly he came around. Now I don't blame Eda at all for declaring it's not enough, he put her through emotional hell when they broke up. I mean on one hand you'd think she'd be able to see that he was already opening his heart and there was more to the story, however, her reaction was good because it spurred him on to go and tell her the whole story.

And what a heartbreaking story it was. As I said several times over the last few weeks, I was hoping that part of Serkan's motivation was that the doctor had told him he would be unable to have kids, what I wasn't expecting though was the double whammy of not being able to have kids AND there being a 70% chance of the cancer coming back. No wonder Serkan was eFFed up! Who wouldn't be, but then you add in his additional insecurities about not being worthy of love and his hypochondria and that is a bad mental cocktail. You know what's ironic, Ayfer hates him but in reality he did exactly what Ayfer would have wanted him to do. Push Eda away for her own good so she could have everything she wants in life without him dragging her down. What makes Ayfer the worst (and a hypocrite) is that this is exactly what she would have wanted him to do, but she also blames him for Eda's heartbreak in the aftermath.

The scene was so cathartic to watch as a viewer. We've been waiting for weeks for Serkan's point of view as he's hidden behind his usual confident and calm veneer, and when we finally got it, we really got it. He did not hold back. Serkan is such a complex character, which is a bit surprising for a silly show that you wouldn't really expect build a character with so many layers. On the surface he has everything and seems to be full of ego, but his arrogance is only surrounding his abilities, intellect, and skills as a businessman and architect. Personally, he has little self-worth and thinks he's not worthy of anyone's love, especially not Eda's. However, while that has been a truth of the character for a long time, this speech was the first time he admitted how deeply rooted his fears are. It was stunning, though, to have a character who is so rooted in being in control and who is worried about his outward image, open up in such a raw way and expose all his fears and insecurities to a woman he's been apart from for five years. It was breathtaking and Kerem was fantastic in the scene.

Initially, with the subtitles, I misinterpreted (though I knew it couldn't be quite right) his parting words. The subtitles I saw made it seem like Serkan was saying "Don't say you forgot me" as in Serkan didn't want Eda to say she forgot him. But it made so much more sense when I saw it translated as "But don't say I forgot you." which was a throw back to their dinner conversation in episode 40 when Eda says, "You forgot me." Once I realized Serkan was saying that he couldn't handle her thinking, or say, that he'd forgotten her, the scene hit doubly hard!

I saw some criticism of that scene that said Eda was just standing there with no emotion, but I didn't get that at all. She had tears running down her face and I thought she was fighting for his soul pretty dang hard. First by using both emotion-- telling him that everything had changed because now he had a daughter and that he'd locked his heart and soul in a cage. Then by using logic-- when she told him the cancer is gone and that's it's over and when she challenged him over why everything has to be perfect. Think from her perspective how disorienting it would be to find out that everything you thought was true, was not, and that if the love of your life wasn't such a stubborn, selfless, self-sabotaging martyr that you could have built a family together instead of been separated for 5 years. It's a lot.

On the first watch this doorway scene is where I started to get emotional, but I didn't really lose it and fully cry until Serkan's scene the next day with Engin. For whatever reason that scene hit me hard. Hats off to Anil for his work there, the way his voice broke at times during that conversation really got to me. This type of true friendship scene was something that was sorely missing during the era of the other writers, and it was wonderful to see it back, just when Serkan needed it most. Serkan needed someone to shake him a bit about his fears of dying. I think the writers did a good job here, because while Serkan's neurosis and self-sabotage is maddening, with his history it's believable that he was stuck in a headspace where he really thought he couldn't be a father to Kiraz, or a partner to Eda, because he might up and die on them. I loved how Engin pointed out that Eda and Kiraz would not be the only ones affected if he died and how ridiculous it was for him to lock himself away.

I'm glad we got the scene with the doctor to really get a full glimpse of Serkan's view of his illness and it's also a relief to not only Serkan, but to us viewers that since five years have passed cancer-free he now has the risk of a typical healthy person. Serkan isn't the only one who has hang ups about his health, I think after amnesia and cancer viewers do too!

Finding out that Eda had made videos specifically for Serkan over the years, talking to him directly, hit hard. I wasn't really expecting that. I thought maybe she just had general photos and videos, like any doting parent would have, but the fact that she was always wanting him, documenting Kiraz's life and preparing for a day when he would hopefully take his place as Kiraz's father... wow. On the cynical side it makes it that much harder to believe that she never made more of an effort to tell him once Kiraz was born, but I won't focus on that. Not when the scene was as perfect as it was. Kerem again was stellar, he made me cry buckets. I think since amnesia many of us wanted an emotional response from him, thank goodness this story finally delivered it. The emotions running through him at that moment were overwhelming and Kerem did a fantastic job of portraying all of them, the heartbreak over everything he missed, the joy at seeing moments

from his daughter's life, the regret of not being there and being the partner Eda needed, the pride in the job Eda did in raising their daughter alone, and finally the bittersweet relief that Eda never forgot him.

It was a lot, but it was a good segue to the next scene when Eda calls him frantic because Kiraz went missing. What was clear from those videos was that while Eda, when we first meet her in Sile, appeared on the surface to have everything handled as a single mom, she always really wanted to have Serkan there as her partner. While Kiraz was pining for her dad, Eda was pining for Serkan as well. And we see this displayed in full force when Serkan arrives. Several people try to comfort Eda, including Burak, but she's not having it. However, as soon as Serkan gets there you can almost see the relief hit her in a wave. She's not in this alone anymore. Kiraz's father is there to help. Even if nothing is settled at that moment, she knows she can rely on Serkan and that he will know what to do. Which is supported by the fact that he clearly took charge the moment he found out, calling the authorities, having them begin searches etc.

But while highlighting his competence, conversely can we talk about how incompetently everyone else was at searching for Kiraz? They all acted worried, but did any of them make any real effort to find her? LMAO, they all seemed much more concerned with their own personal dramas. Especially egregious were Engin and Piril. Hello! Your son is clearly trying to tell you where the missing person is! Stop ignoring him. Thank goodness Serkan is very good at finding people.

Of course he found her and our hearts collectively shattered as we watched her trying to send a message to her Baba in space when in reality he was kneeling right there beside her, helping her tie the note to the balloon. If anything else was left to convince Serkan that he is wanted and needed, by both Eda and Kiraz, this situation was it. Even though some careless crew member spoiled the astronaut suit in an unnecessary IG story from the set, (that would have been a really good surprise) it was still satisfying to see this fairy tale play out. Never over "Baba?" and "Happy Birthday, my daughter" and now I can't wait to see Kiraz's reaction that her new friend Serkan Bolat is actually her dad and it should be pretty great to watch the three of them form a family together.

Overall this was the most emotional episodes of the series, and also one of the best.

#Sen Cal Kapimi #Sen Çal Kapımı #edser #serkan bolat #sck discussion #sck episode discussion #edser discussion #sckask #sck 2x43 #sck 2x04 #asklizac #anonymous

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lassieposting · 4 years ago

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Does Lucifer have ptsd? I remember that a cast member said that S5 Lucifer would have it but I haven’t seen it yet, unless they mean after God shows up. Which I think is possible considering Lucifer’s reactions towards his mother.

Okay so, I am not a psychologist and can only really speak to my own experience with certain aspects of PTSD, so I’m gonna use the symptom criteria given by the mental health charity Mind, which goes thusly:

Reliving aspects of what happened

This can include :

vivid flashbacks - we’ve seen Lucifer have one of these, when he Goddess reveals that Chloe is a miracle.

intrusive thoughts or images - his constant fear that his dad is controlling/targeting/manipulating him probably qualifies

intense distress at real or symbolic reminders of the trauma - Lucifer gets very upset and stressed about how humanity sees him and that his father essentially vilified him for eternity as well as throwing him into hell

Alertness and feeling on edge

This can include:

hypervigilance - there’s a screenshot of Linda’s file for Lucifer that mentions he feels “paralyzed” struggles to relax because he feels like he’s being watched constantly by God.

lack of sleep or disturbed sleep - the same screenshot mentions sleep issues and that he can, presumably, lay awake worrying “for hours before falling asleep” (apparently he’s also iron-deficient, which...probably ties in with the fact that hell doesn’t get a lot of sunlight)

being easily upset or angry - just look at how upset he gets whenever someone says “the devil made me do it”

avoiding feelings or memories

which includes:

avoiding anything that reminds you of the trauma - see: repeated, messy amateur-hour wing amputation because he can’t stand to be reminded of what he was/what he lost or to be linked to his father again

feeling emotionally numb or cut off from your feelings - the man hasn’t emotionally matured in billions of years

self-destructive or reckless tendencies - i mean. lucifer’s self-destructive spirals are legendary. like the time he tried to goad that rookie into shooting him, or the time he stood in front of a sniper and begged him to shoot and nobody ever mentioned it again

inability to express affection - he can’t tell chloe he loves her. if he says it out loud, it makes it real, and she becomes something his father can take away from him and know it will hurt him. as long as he doesn’t say it, he’s got some plausible deniability, he can pretend he doesn’t care. also, while he’s getting a lot better about it, early seasons lucifer clearly doesn’t understand nonsexual physical affection (i.e. being hugged) and his attempts to express affection to chloe are often mistimed, inappropriate or bizarre. this is a man who’s grown up in a completely loveless environment. he didn’t know how to love or be loved. humanity had to teach him.

alcohol and drug use - lmao. “Only if you call ingesting millions of dollars worth of cocaine a problem. I call it a Tuesday.”

difficult beliefs or feelings

which includes:

feeling like you can’t trust anyone - his reaction to chloe’s betrayal in 1x13, when she tries to arrest him. it’s been a while since I watched the ep, but he says something like “The one person I trusted - you - I thought you were different. I was wrong.”

feeling like nowhere is safe - again, that screenshot. he thinks he’s being watched All The Time. his own family has repeatedly tried to kill him. he’s never been allowed to feel safe on earth before because he was always trying to outrun amenadiel showing up to drag him back to hell. him choosing to stay and make los angeles his home - and then fighting for it when lux was at risk of being demolished - was a huge step for him.

feeling like nobody understands - he’s outright said this to chloe and linda a few times. “why bother [talking to chloe about his problems]? you won’t believe me anyway, you think everything i say is a metaphor.” and the “how can you possibly presume to know god’s intentions? stick within the limits of your own intellectual capacity” conversation

there’s also complex ptsd (c-ptsd), wherein sufferers experience ptsd symptoms as well as additional issues such as:

feeling permanently damaged or worthless - clearly. early seasons lucifer can’t conceive of a relationship that doesn’t revolve around a human wanting something from him; sex, or a favour, or a desire fulfilled. it doesn’t even occur to him that he’s loveable in his own right, the only value he assigns himself as a person comes from what he can do for or give to others. lucifer is very vain, but he also uses that vanity to hide his non-existent self-esteem.

feeling like nobody can understand what happened to you - i mean, he’s kind of justified here in that what happened to him was eons of torture and divine retribution, and nobody can understand because a) we don’t live that long and b) the majority of his human friends think he’s harmlessly insane, but he’s said as much to chloe and linda

avoiding friendships and relationships, or finding them difficult - until chloe, lucifer’s relationships with humanity had all been surface-level sexual liaisons with no attachment or commitment. “the best night of my life”, say all those people in their interviews with chloe, but none of them considered it to mean anything, even though it clearly meant something to lucifer. he pushes people away or flees when they get too close, because he’s terrified of emotional intimacy. he’s terrified that they’ll eventually realise that he’s evil and worthless and all the things humanity says he is, and that he doesn’t deserve their love. poor thing has been in therapy for years to try and navigate Baby’s First Friendship. lucifer is naturally sociable, but he’s so traumatized and messed up from the billions of years of solitary confinement that he’s terrified of connecting with people even as he’s desperate for it

suicidal feelings - we’ve had at least two onscreen suicide attempts, even though neither was ever really addressed by his loved ones. both times he tried to goad someone into shooting him, knowing that chloe was nearby and that he was vulnerable; he knew he would be killed if either gunman took the shot. he even tells amenadiel he was trying to achieve a “nice, messy” death.

in conclusion: yeah he’s traumatized as fuck, god barging into his life after several billion years of abuse and abandonment is probably gonna fuck him up hard, and someone should address his suicidal tendencies. like...@chloe wrap your devil in a blanket and cuddle him, maybe? he’s Sad? look after him?

#lucifer on netflix #lucifer on fox #netflix lucifer #lucifer morningstar #lucifer meta #tw suicide mention #tw self harm mention #tw abuse #obligatory disclaimer that i am not a shrink but? he sure fits the symptoms #Anon #fire message

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jbuffyangel · 4 years ago

Text

Something To Live For: Arrow 1x10 Review (Burned)

I’m back!

There’s a significant time difference between my 1x09 review and this review. No, I did not take a six year long holiday break. It just became too difficult to complete the Season 1 reviews the summer prior to Season 4. So, I decided to complete Season 1 and Season 2 reviews once Arrow was off air.

This means I have not watched 1x10-1x23 in eight years. I nearly forgot everything. Is L*urel still in this show?

She sure is.

“Burned” is the first real snoozer of Season 1, which kind of sets up the tradition of episode 10-15 slumps Arrow suffered nearly every season. This has less to do with Arrow and more to do with it being a twenty three episode series. There’s gonna be some filler.

This episode still holds significant meaning to me though because it contains the SOMETHING TO LIVE FOR speech. This is my favorite John Diggle speech, which is why I named my blog after it. It is also the first time Arrow declares their mission statement.

Let’s dig in...

Oliver and Diggle

The bad guy plot is the worst part of “Burned,” so let’s just cut to the chase. There was a terrible fire in Starling City years ago. The fire chief recalled his unit but one of his men, Garfield Lynns, insisted the building could be saved. The chief refused to send in any more men and as a result Lynns died. Except, this is Arrow and nobody stays dead. Lynns is alive, ticked, insane and burning firefighters, which leads to Joanna’s brother (a firefighter) getting killed.

Cool? Cool. Moving on.

Oliver is having difficulty coping with the fact the Dark Archer kicked his ass all the way back to the stone age. It was a somewhat embarrassing loss and Oliver’s body wasn’t the only thing bruised. We are gifted a very lovely training sequences of a half naked and very sweaty Oliver Queen to show he is recovered, so his hesitancy isn’t physical. It is mental.

Source: @olivergifs

Oliver is having a crisis of confidence and is avoiding suiting up like the plague.

Diggle: This guy, the other archer, he got in your head. He took something from you … he took whatever’s in your heart that lets you jump off buildings and take down bad guys.

Oliver worked for every skill he has. It was not gifted by a bolt of lightning. He does not come from an alien planet. Oliver is a weapon honed over time, which includes his superpower.

Oliver Queen does not fear dying.

That’s the “whatever” in his heart which gives him the confidence to jump off buildings. This superpower was honed after five years of fighting for survival. Oliver almost died so many times he’s built some kind of emotional immunity to it. It doesn’t freak him out like it would the rest of us.

The darker side of this superpower is Oliver doesn’t care if he lives or dies. Season 1 Oliver Queen is very fatalistic. He’s not suicidal, but he’s accepted death is the price he may have to pay in order to complete his mission. More importantly, he is drowning in guilt and believes death is the ending he deserves.

There’s rigidity in everything about Oliver – from his beliefs to even the way he moves. His posture is rod iron straight and there’s very little movement in his upper body and arms. It’s a physical manifestation of his PTSD. It’s like he’s encased in a brick wall, a tomb of suffering, which makes it difficult to breathe or move. It’s like the act of living is physically painful.

The problem is - Oliver came home and it is having an unexpected emotional impacted on him. He’s been laser focused on this mission, but bit by bit, the feelings he’s long since buried are resurfacing. Moira, Thea, Tommy, Diggle, Laurel (AND FELICITY) are chipping away at this brick wall. Oliver didn’t adopt this machine like persona because he doesn’t feel anything. It’s because he feels so much, which means even the small holes in this wall are having a profound impact on him.

This all leads to the greatest John Diggle speech in history! Yes, I say that knowing full well Diggle has spectacular speeches throughout the series, but this will always be my favorite because it’s such a universal theme.

We all must have something that makes life worth living. This “something” is not limited to romantic love. It can be family, or work or a cause – basically whatever makes you get out of bed every day. It doesn’t have to be just one thing either. In fact, I hope you find many things/people to live for because that means you are living a full and connected life. By that same token, if you don’t have something to live for then you’re not really living. You just exist.

Or in Oliver’s case - survive. He’s known nothing but survival for the last five years. I think he absolutely cares for Yao Fei, Shado and Slade, but that’s exactly why Oliver shut down. He did care for people and it led to nothing but heartache, betrayal and loss. So, Oliver decided to be done with all that and has worked very hard to keep his loved ones at a distance ever since returning home.

He’s been extremely successful at it in many ways because Oliver refuses to share who he really is with anyone outside of John Diggle. So, that’s why it had to be John Diggle to tell him that it was okay to feel again.

Oliver: I’ve been close to death on the island more times than I can remember and I never feared it. Because I had nothing to lose. But when that archer almost killed me, when I stared death in the face then, I thought about all the people I’ve let into my life since I’ve been back – my family, Laurel, Tommy. And that made me afraid. Afraid of what would happen to those people if they lost me. Again. And for the first time in so long I had something to lose.

Oliver may not fear death, but he does fear what his death will mean to those who love him. Like I said earlier - Oliver is not suicidal. If that was true he wouldn’t have fought so hard to survive the island, but that doesn’t mean he’s ready to live. He’s far from it. But this is the first time in a long time Oliver cared whether or not he died. And that scares him.

Diggle: Maybe you’ve got it backwards Oliver. You think the people you’ve let in have taken your edge. I think it gives you one. Maybe a stronger one even. You can stare down death with something to live for or not. SOMETHING TO LIVE FOR is better.

That’s endgame folks. Oliver’s story is about a man learning to live again. He will collect more and more people/things that he cares about as he walks this road, which means there is more to lose. Losing his life is far preferable than losing someone he loves again. Oliver can tolerate a great deal of physical pain. It’s the emotional pain that scares the crap out of him. This is why he fights tooth and nail to keep emotions at a distance. It just hurts too much.

Opening our heart to others often means opening our hearts to pain, but that’s not the only side of love. It brings happiness and contentment too. You take the good with the bad. Diggle is trying to open Oliver’s heart to the good.

Is Oliver alive? Or is he just breathing? The answers to those questions make all the difference in the world. A difference Diggle knows will make Oliver an unbeatable weapon.

Lynns: I'm not afraid to die

Oliver: I know. You're afraid to live.

COULD IT BE A PARALLEL?

Methinks yes. It’s interesting “Burned” revolves around fire. Fire is where Oliver’s story began. Lian Yu was about purification, but it was also a rebirth.

A rebirth we see expanding as Oliver opens up his heart. A fire is lit from within our hero and it’s growing beyond penance, justice and retribution to hope, passion and enlightenment. Oliver Queen is finding reasons to live again. And it will make all the difference for his survival.

L*urel L*nce

If you sense I have less patience with L*urel’s character in Seasons 1 and Season 2 than I did in Season 3 and Season 4 then you’d be right. My opinions on this character changed radically so I’m coming into Season 1 and Season 2 reviews with a Season 8 perspective on L*urel.

Tommy wants a drawer. That’s all. A drawer. Tommy Merlyn is a simple man. Doesn’t take a lot to make him happy. He even wrote a list explaining all the reasons he deserves and needs a drawer. We never see the list, but I’d imagine it looks something like this:

I AM HUMAN PERFECTION.

I did not sleep with your sister.

I am asking for a drawer rather than run screaming to the North China Sea with above referenced sister.

I make you omelets.

I make your character moderately tolerable which is a miracle in of itself.

I could continue, but you get the idea. What’s absolutely ludicrous is OLIVER gives L*UREL relationship advice.

Oliver: Well we're friends.

Me: Oliver, my son, NO YOU ARE NOT.

At least she had the common sense to scoff at Oliver’s friendly attempt to intervene on Tommy’s behalf. (Seriously, dude just stay out of it. This is wildly inappropriate.)

L*urel was ready to move in with Oliver (even though she knew he cheated on her regularly), but freaks at faithful Tommy requesting armoire access. JFC this woman is a dating disaster zone.

L*urel: I don’t take things slow remember? I close my eyes and I jump just like you.

My initial reaction to this speech is to call it nonsense.

I thought this was a case of Arrow telling rather than showing with L*urel’s character. However, upon further contemplation I have reversed my opinion.

L*urel may be a pragmatic attorney on the surface, but we have watched her run the gamut of human emotions week to week. So much so it’s difficult to get a read on the character the writers are trying to construct. (Spoiler alert: they don’t know what kind of character they are trying to construct). One week she loves Oliver. The next week she’s condemning him to hell. L*urel L*nce’s feelings definitely control her.

She has been reckless too, working outside the law, by contacting the vigilante for assistance. A relationship she resumes after telling her father in 1x09 that The Hood is a killer with no remorse. See what I’m saying about the ever changing emotional spectrum?

I’m not saying L*urel having emotions and expressing them is bad. That’s a healthier reaction than what Oliver is doing, but she has been all over the map. It’s less about who L*urel is as a character and more about the writers needing her to react a certain way to make the episode work.

Oliver likes to present himself as a cool cucumber, but he has a rather unpleasant temper too. It may seem like he’s emotionless, but that is just a façade. It’s a cover for the torrent of emotions he keeps at bay.

Laurel: I think that’s why we spooked each other. Our feelings, our fears, they control us. Not the other way around.

L*urel’s “spooking each other” statement is a big line of bull, which we’ll find out later in the season. L*urel was not spooked by Oliver. She was the furthest thing from spooked, which is why she asked him to move in with her.

Oliver wasn’t spooked either. Anytime I reflect on L*uriver I’m reminded of a scene from Sex in the City. Oliver isn’t freaked out by his feelings. He’s just not that into you, L*urel.

The process in which we get OLIVER to realize this and admit it to himself will take much longer, but I can be patient. It’s time will come.

But do I think these two characters are similar? YES. They are too similar in fact. It’s one of the main reasons they don’t work as a couple. This is exactly why Tommy and Felicity are perfect for L*urel and Oliver. They need someone steady to temper their emotions.

They need someone happy to balance out their anger. They need someone with a bright light in order to find their own.

It’s also worth noting that Tommy was ready to run into a burning building to save Oliver so GIVE HIM A DAMN DRAWER L*UREL.

Stray Thoughts

Flashbacks were kind of boring. Fyers kidnaps Yao Fei. Oliver saves his own life by accident. Meh

Thea calling Moira out was long overdue. This kid needs a parent ASAP.

Everyone's fall clothing is really adorable.

JUST UNBUTTON THE FRACKIN BUTTON OLLIE.

Merlyn kidnapped Walter right? Or Moira? I seriously don't remember. I don’t think I care either. lol

L*urel: I am not the best example of healthy grieving.

LL has a rare moment of self awareness, which is lovely.

Oliver: I heard what you said to your father. That I'm a killer with no remorse.

L*urel: Do you?

Me: You impertinent little snot.

I like Joanna much better than L*urel and I wished she stayed, but removing Joanna from the show is the first step the writers took to limit L*urel's role. The shift is upon us.

Not to be unsympathetic, but Moira is starting to rack up the dead husbands.

Thea fantasizing that Walter is cheating on Moira with a stewardess as the hopeful pitch is YIKES. Goodness this show could be dark.

Musings of the Kiddo

Kiddo: Yeah! He's actually putting his family first!

Me: Settle down. It doesn't last long.

Kiddo: I thought L*urel was gonna find out.

Me: Oh my sweet summer child.

Disclaimer: Any gifs on the blog are not mine. If you would like a gif removed from my reviews, please message me.

If you’d like to support the blog, please buy me a cup of tea!

#arrow #arrow 1x10 #arrow rewatch #oliver queen #john diggle #oliver and diggle #anti laurel lance #merlance #arrow season 1 #arrow season 1 review #arrow review #arrow reviews #arrow season 1 reviews #season 1 review #season 1 episode review #season 1 reviews #season 1 episode reviews #arrow fandom #anti lauriver

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kurowrites · 5 years ago

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Snow - Chapter 13

Entire fic. AO3.

Since it’s chapter 13, I’ve prepared something special for y’all. :D

---

Wei Ying sits there for a while with his head in his hands, trying to collect himself. He has just made a complete ass of himself, and as if that isn’t enough, he’s done it in Lan Zhan’s own home. He’s sent Lan Zhan out of his own bedroom. He’d be surprised if Lan Zhan ever wanted to see him again. Couldn’t he have been nice about it, at least.

But maybe it’s better like that. This is the perfect moment to end whatever relationship they have, learn some lessons, and go back to their lives before it all happened. No, it’s even better than that. Because now, Lan Zhan doesn’t have to worry and feel guilty about Wei Ying anymore, and he’s finally able to get those rabbits he’s been wanting since he was a child. It all works out perfectly.

Wei Ying feels a stab of guilt. He promised Lan Zhan to help him with picking the rabbits.

Oh no, what a thought in retrospective! The person who has been keeping Lan Zhan from getting the rabbits offering him help to pick them out! He wonders just how many times he’s inadvertently hurt Lan Zhan because he didn’t know. About anything.

He really should leave. The sooner, the better. He doesn’t want to face Lan Zhan again, and he certainly doesn’t want to face Lan Huan. He doesn’t want to think about what Lan Huan thinks about him now.

The thought comes too late, however. The door opens, and there stands – Lan Zhan, with a large mug in his hands. He doesn’t look at Wei Ying, not directly, but he enters the room and walks straight to Wei Ying’s bedside. He makes sure Wei Ying is sat up properly, with a pillow at his back so he’s sitting comfortable, and then hands him the mug with hot tea.

“Drink,” he only says.

Wei Ying quietly wonders if Lan Zhan is trying to poison him in retribution for all the hurt he’s caused, but he raises the mug to his lips and drinks, anyway. The tea has the perfect temperature, and the taste of it is smooth and calming, because like everything else, Lan Zhan excels at brewing tea. The warmth of the beverage loosens the knot in his chest slightly. No painful death for Wei Ying, then. Not yet.

After all, Lan Zhan is here, and he isn’t throwing him out on his ear like he really should. It’s reassuring in a way Wei Ying really doesn’t deserve. Lan Zhan should be angry at him, if anything. Not brewing him tea.

“Have you calmed down?” Lan Zhan asks after he’s drunk half of the tea. “Are you ready to listen?”

Wei Ying lifts his eyes from his tea in confusion. Listen to what? Everything that needs to be said has been said, he thinks.

But Lan Zhan still isn’t looking at him.

“Do you have any idea,” he asks, “how I felt?”

“You said it before, no?” Wei Ying replies, still confused. He isn’t sure what’s happening right now. What exactly Lan Zhan is trying to imply. “You were shocked when you saw me at the bus station. And you felt guilty.”

But Lan Wangji shakes his head.

“I said ‘How could I not take care of you, after all that has happened?’” he says. “Have I not taken care of you before? Even when you were being a brat about it, arguing with me that a slightly squashed peach does not constitute theft.”

Wei Ying tries to object to that, but Lan Zhan quells his protest with a single look. He closes his mouth and lets Lan Zhan go on.

“There was never a feeling of guilt needed for me to want to take care of you. I would have done it even if we had parted amicably.”

Wei Ying has finished his tea, and Lan Zhan takes the mug out of his hands and places it on the sideboard. And this time, he looks at Wei Ying directly.

“Do you have any idea, Wei Ying,” he asks again, “how I felt?”

“No,” Wei Ying whispers. He can only be honest, now. He has no idea how Lan Zhan has felt – is feeling – any longer.

He crushes the bedcovers in his hands. This is all so confusing. What is Lan Zhan trying to say? Why does he want Wei Ying to know?

Lan Zhan reaches out and gently peels his fingers off the no doubt expensive silken fabric, one by one.

“The person that I thought I lost so many years ago unexpectedly returned to my side,” Lan Zhan says as he does so. “I will not lie – I was gratified that I was able to take care of you once again. I was happy to finally be able to do what I was unable to do back then. It was selfish of me, perhaps, to feel that way, but I will not lie about it. But even more than that… do you have any idea what I saw? The last time I had seen you, you were living on the streets, malnourished and evidently neglected. And now that I had found you again – you looked good. Healthy, once you had recovered from your fever. Your memory of me seemed to be gone, but… You seemed happy, Wei Ying. Do you understand what that meant to me? I left you at your lowest point, and you returned as a healthy, happy adult. And you looked at me with affection, with playfulness, with desire. I–”

He is holding Wei Ying’s hands in his own now, squeezing them. With surprise, Wei Ying notices that there are actual tears in Lan Zhan’s eyes.

“You were whole, Wei Ying. Your suffering was gone. To me, you shone brighter than any star in the night sky. This was the very person I had hoped to see one day, all those years ago. I wanted to do everything in my power to keep it that way. If you didn’t remember all those terrible things from back then, how could I be the person to remind you of these things? How could I justify causing you pain, again? You have moved so far beyond everything I have hoped for you. You are so much better now. I wanted to protect that, and give you every chance to flourish even more. And I had fallen in love with you once. It needed nothing more than a touch and a smile for it to blossom into something deeper. How could I resist you, when you had finally returned to me? How could I not want you? You, who are everything?”

Wei Ying is speechless. Is Lan Zhan– is Lan Zhan actually telling him that he’s in love with Wei Ying? That he wanted him, desired him all along? Did that just come out of his mouth? He must be gaping at Lan Zhan, and it must all be rather unseemly, but he can’t help it. He’s currently trying to remember how to process words. He cannot be blamed from looking like a fish out of water right now.

“Lan Zhan, I–” he stutters. “Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan–”

He takes a deep breath. Tries to centre himself, and fails.

You were whole, Wei Ying.

Oh, Lan Zhan, Wei Ying thinks to himself. How wrong you are. I was breaking to pieces all the while.

He takes another deep breath, and then looks Lan Zhan in the eyes with determination.

“You should have told me.”

He reaches forward and flicks him into the forehead with his fingers. Lan Zhan jerks back, surprised.

“You stupid, stupid man!” he cries. “How are we supposed to get anything right if we’re not seeing eye to eye? What pain, what selfishness, Lan Zhan? I don’t care about the pain! But I care about knowing that you’re that Wangji! I thought the entire time that you see me as nothing more than a sugar baby!”

This time, it’s Lan Zhan’s turn to stare in shock.

“No,” he says eventually, empathically. “No, Wei Ying, I would never–”

“I know that now,” Wei Ying sighs, and he takes Lan Zhan’s hands again and squeezes them. “I know that now, Lan Zhan.”

Both of them fall silent for a moment, staring at their joined hands. It still feels right, somehow, even now, when everything is brittle and cracking.

“I’m sorry, Lan Zhan,” Wie Ying says, eventually. “I want to take it all back. I’ve said so many awful things and I didn’t even mean them. I didn’t mean them, believe me. It’s me who was selfish, trying to protect myself by hurting you. If I take it back… can I have a hug, please?”

He’s just exhausted right now, and he wants some kind of comfort. And if Lan Zhan really loves him, then he can’t possibly mind hugging Wei Ying… right?

He’s suddenly attacked with a wave of insecurity. What if he got it all wrong? What if Lan Zhan just said that to clear everything up between the two of them, before he finally lets him go? What if–

But then Lan Zhan moves closer to him and leans in, and a moment later, his arms wrap tightly around Wei Ying, holding him fast.

“I am sorry, too, Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan replies. “I only wanted to keep you safe and happy. Instead, I caused you pain.”

“You fool,” Wei Ying says, but it’s not said meanly. He smiles into Lan Zhan’s shoulder. “When I’m with you, I’m always safe and happy, aren’t I? You are allowed to tell me about things that distress or concern you. In fact, you should. You are required to! I’ll be fine! I’m not that delicate! I’m a real workhorse! I’ve gone through worse. You should now that!”

“Mn,” Lan Zhan agrees. “Wei Ying is strong. But then, Wei Ying has to do the same.”

Ack, he walked right into that one, didn’t he?

Wei Ying sighs. He can only acquiesce here, can he?

“I promise. And while we’re at it, I reserve the right to challenge your uncle to a fist fight. He kinda deserves it, you know.”

“That won’t be necessary,” Lan Zhan assures him. “I will speak to him personally.”

Wei Ying doesn’t debate it, but secretly, he decides he’ll simply have to do it when Lan Zhan isn’t looking. There’s just no way he’s going to let that slip.

They fall silent again, and Wei Ying does his best to melt into Lan Zhan. There are things he should do and say, but he really doesn’t have the energy for it right now.

Lan Zhan likes him. Lan Zhan told him he likes Wei Ying.

“Do you really like me, Lan Zhan?” he asks. He needs the confirmation, just once more.

“Hn.”

“Do you love me?”

“Hn.”

“That’s good, then. ‘Cause I love you, too.”

Lan Zhan doesn’t reply, but the arms around Wei Ying hold him tighter, and there it is – a kiss pressed his temple.

It’s Lan Zhan’s way of telling him he loves him, Wei Ying realizes. He’s been doing it for such a long time. He’s probably wanting to do it for an even longer time.

“Lan Zhan,” he says, eventually, once he’s swallowed back the tears. “Tell me about the rabbits.”

Lan Zhan does.

---

As nice as it would be, they cannot keep hiding away in Lan Zhan’s bedroom for the rest of the day. Lan Huan is still there, no doubt still waiting for them. And the food that Lan Zhan prepared is still there, as well, waiting to be eaten. Indeed, Wei Ying is starting to feel rather peckish.

“The food is no problem,” Lan Zhan assures Wei Ying as they leave the bedroom. “I can reheat most of it.”

They find Lan Huan waiting for them in the dining room. He looks up from the book he’s been reading as they enter, and smiles up at them as if he hasn’t been made to wait for the continuation of his meal for at least two hours.

“You’ve returned! Have you managed to resolve your misunderstanding?”

“Hn,” Lan Zhan says decisively, guiding Wei Ying to his seat. “I will reheat the food.”

Lan Huan waits until Lan Zhan is out of the room before he gives Wei Ying another smile.

“That’s good, then. I’m very relieved. Just remember that next time you hurt my brother, I might not be inclined to sit by and look on.”

Wei Ying sends him a considering glance. Those are harsh words from a man like Lan Huan.

“There won’t be a next time,” he replies with conviction.

Well, if he’s honest, he still can’t quite bring himself to believe that Lan Zhan could truly want him, not as a sugar baby, but as an actual lover. Partner. Whatever. The sheer thought, the presumption is too great for him to really be able to believe it. The doubtful voice in his head is still there, hammering away at his confidence. But if he can’t trust himself, he can trust Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan wouldn’t have said all that if he hadn’t meant it. He wouldn’t have committed everything to Wei Ying if he wasn’t sure about it.

He can trust Lan Zhan.

And Lan Zhan evidently chose him years ago.

Lan Huan seems to be able to read Wei Ying’s determination for what it is, because his smile grows bigger and more genuinely happy.

“Excellent. I wish you all the best.”

Lan Zhan returns with the warm food, and this time, they have a pretty good time decimating the food without any sudden revelations of a traumatic past.

Wei Ying keeps looking over to Lan Zhan, trying to make sure that Lan Zhan is still there and hasn’t suddenly changed his mind about Wei Ying. Isn’t going to chuck him out onto the street, anyway.

But every time Wei Ying looks over, Lan Zhan is already looking back at him, and there’s a small smile on his face that never wanes. Wei Ying could melt.

Lan Zhan must really like him a great, great deal.

I love you, he mouths to Lan Zhan, and laughs a little when Lan Zhan’s ears turn red.

So he does it again and again, delighting in Lan Zhan’s steadily spreading blush, until Lan Huan delicately clears his throat and sends both of them a look.

“Hehehe,” Wei Ying laughs, because he has no shame. “You can’t blame me, Lan Huan. After all, your brother is the best.”

#kuro writes #the untamed #wei wuxian #lan wangji #wangxian #mdzs #snow fic

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ampleappleamble · 4 years ago

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Pillars of Eternity: Anthem Infinitum

Chapter 6: Bonds

"She's the real thing, isn't she?"

Aloth looked up from his grimoire at the blond man, startled. Until now, Edér had seemed content to ignore him for the most part, more interested in discussing recent Dyrwoodan history and Eothasian theology with their orlan directress. Not that Aloth minded. After all, the less attention drawn to himself, the better. And it was always a boon to be up to date on current events. And to practice his eavesdropping.

But now that Axa had excused herself from their campsite temporarily (facetiously citing "urgent business" to attend to in the bushes), the folk man turned his attention to Aloth. He thrust his bristly, blond chin toward the scrub brush nearby, gesturing into the darkness beyond the campfire, where Axa had walked off a few minutes prior.

"That girl's really a Watcher." He shook his head, his expression filled with wonder. "I was maybe expectin' a cipher with an inflated ego at best. But far as I can tell, she's bonafide."

"It would appear so," Aloth replied after a beat, remaining as carefully neutral as he could. "I must admit, I had my doubts at first. Even suspicions-- albeit slight-- that she may simply be losing her mind, hallucinating and so forth. But the more we see her use her... unique abilities, the more her assertions are corroborated by the real world, the more undeniable the truth becomes: she is a Watcher."

Edér smiled crookedly at the elf, eyeing him curiously. "...Right. That's, uh, what I meant, more or less."

Ye sound a right fuckin' twat, lad.

Aloth bit the inside of his mouth until he tasted blood.

An awkward silence descended over the two men, Edér propping his chin on his fist and gazing into the fire, lost in thought. Aloth stared into his open grimoire, but found he could not focus to read.

"I knew somethin' was up with Perly and Ingroed. And Nonton," Edér murmured, shaking his head and furrowing his brow. "Just couldn't quite figure out what. But the temple..." He sighed, heavy with melancholy. "Black bones, what a mess. Wish someone like her'd have showed up a few weeks back. ...Few years back."

And although Aloth knew he should at least try to be amicable, he found himself too consumed by his own thoughts to engage the farmer further. Instead, he politely pretended to listen while he ruminated over the day's events.

---

It had started with a few simple tasks. Edér had led the three of them around town, asking if any favors needed doing in exchange for coin and supplies to get to Caed Nua. The villagers seemed surprised and delighted to actually have help with their problems for once, and the three of them had taken to their work with vigor, reuniting a stolen shipment with the town blacksmith and the inn's cook with his stove and cauldron in a single afternoon. They had been on their way back to town yet again, spirits high, when Axa had remembered the hunter she'd met the other day, the bear who'd killed his companion.

"What do you think, lads?" she'd asked, hands on her hips as she stared into the mouth of the cave. "Shall we nip this one in the bud?" She had turned to Edér, her expression cautious and grave. "It killed your neighbor, Edér. How long before it happens again?"

The three kith had come to a consensus quickly, and advanced upon the bear's den, weapons drawn. The beast was slain easily enough, and Edér identified the kith body in the cave as that of his neighbor, Perly. But of course it wasn't as simple as all that.

Aloth had seen her first, had had to elbow Edér in the side to get him to take notice. Just like before, at the tree, Axa had stood above the dead man in the cave, transfixed by something invisible to her two companions. They had traded concerned looks briefly before turning their attention back to her, waiting for the little woman's episode to end.

Thankfully, it didn't last nearly as long as the one before had, but when she snapped back to awareness and turned to face them, Aloth had felt his heart dip into his stomach. She looked like a woman just told about her husband's infidelity. So much for high spirits.

"We're heading back into town, now," she'd said quietly. "Edér. Tell me everything you know about Nonton, Ingroed, and Perly."

He did.

---

And then... she had let them go.

Honestly, that was what had surprised Edér the most: despite her quick-tempered, no-nonsense attitude, she was remarkably softhearted when the situation allowed. She had showed little hesitation dispatching other kith, as he had observed during their skirmishes with bandits. But when she'd pressed the couple of conspirators, they'd confessed, and when they'd explained, she'd listened. When they'd asked her to accept their meager savings in exchange for her silence, she'd pushed the coinpurse away.

"No. No one should have to live in fear like that," she'd declared, her gaze fixed on the fading bruise on the woman's face. "...And everyone deserves a second chance. You take that coin and start your lives anew."

A memory of Elafa brushed against his thoughts, but only for a second.

Edér couldn't remember the last time he'd seen anyone in Gilded Vale shed tears of joy, and the memory of Ingroed wiping her tears away as she followed Nonton brought a slight smile to his lips even now as he stared into the fire.

"Well... I have always heard that orlans are intense and emotional. And that's exactly how I'd describe her. Just... not in the way I expected, I guess." The folk man could tell Aloth had only been half listening, but he'd pressed on anyway, talking as much to himself as to the elf. "She even stayed her hand against Wirtan, after what he did. Don't know if I could, if it'd just been me there with him alone. She ain't from Gilded Vale, though, of course. So... maybe it's just me."

Now Edér fell silent all of a sudden, and Aloth glanced up at him. Wirtan. The priests in the cellar. He shuddered, and felt a pang of sympathy for the Eothasian across from him.

And she not only stayed her hand. She let him go, too.

---

"You lied to me, Wirtan."

The gaunt, wiry man had squirmed under Axa's scrutiny, trembled and stammered as he explained himself. She was at least two heads shorter than him, but her fervor, her quiet, indignant fury had had the same effect as though she had towered over him.

But then, the desiccated corpses strapped to her back-- that she'd insisted on carrying back herself-- lent her a certain authority, too.

But once again, she did not come out swinging, the way your typical Dyrwoodan might. She'd asked him why he did what he had done, and she had listened. And he'd told her everything: how he'd tried to warn them, how he'd tried to help them hide. How he'd abandoned them to their fate, terrified of his Lord's retribution.

"So you killed them," Edér had snarled. "Or you may as well have. You never thought to tell anyone? Try to get some folks together to save 'em?"

"Sure, and get the whole lot of us executed," Wirtan had snapped back, clutching at his bloody wound and glowering at the Eothasian. "I'm sure the Scattered God would love yet another martyr."

"At least then you could have died with some honor left to your name," Edér had retorted hotly, "instead of having to live as the murderin' coward you are--"

"Edér. Please."

She'd turned toward him, her hand raised in a bid for peace, and everyone had looked to her, awaiting her judgment.

"He's right, Wirtan. You are a coward. But... lesser circumstances have made cowards of stronger kith than you. And you cannot undo what you've done, now."

She'd forced the bundled remains of the priests into his arms, looking hard into his eyes.

"The question isn't whether you can make it up to them. You can't. The question is: can you do right by them the best you're able to now? Can you live a better life, be a better man than you've been?"

He could try.

---

Bold, blunt, irascible. Not fond of liars. But... conscionable. Kind at heart, quick to forgive. Aloth was starting to notice a pattern in the little woman's behavior, one that might prove very beneficial to him.

Sure, she were tailor-made fer ye, laddie! Now see if she fits in yer lap nice 'n snug--

He slapped himself in the face, drawing an odd look from Edér.

"Damned horseflies." Aloth smiled blithely back at him, and the farmer cocked an eyebrow, but said nothing, turning his attention back to the campfire.

Yes. After all he'd seen, after his careful deliberations, this arrangement, Aloth had decided, was his best prospect: following a stranger to a castle because she could talk to the dead. It felt like a bad joke, but then, so did most of his life when he really thought about it.

And if she can lead me to some sort of punchline without managing to get me killed, I'll be better off than I was when she found me. He could feel his conviction solidify in his chest, in his stomach. They would reach Caed Nua tomorrow afternoon, and then--

"Think Maerwald'll know what t' do for us?" Aloth jumped a bit at Edér's voice. "I haven't heard any news out of Caed Nua in, oh, years. Don't even really know if he's still there."

The elf gave the folk a polite smile. "I certainly hope so. Otherwise, we might be in for some difficult nights. I've been informed of-- and witnessed first-hand-- the difficulties Watchers sometimes have sleeping."

He looked at the wizard as if for the first time. "Y' know," Edér murmured, "I never even considered I'd still be followin' her after we met up with Maerwald. But now that I think of it..."

"You'll not be rid of me that easily, I'm afraid." Axa's reappearance was sudden, but not startling. Chanter training, Aloth imagined, easing the surprise with her soft, dulcet tones while still ensuring she was heard. "But I promise to try to keep my nightmares to a minimum."

The farmer grinned broadly at the little woman. "There y'are. Nightmares, huh? I been there."

Goan, lad, ask 'er dae she e'er dream o' bouncin' li'e a coney in a elf lad's arms--

"Shut up," he hissed, turning his quickly reddening face away from the orlan, realizing his error when he saw Edér's dumbstruck expression.

Axa's voice was soft and low and even. "...Sorry, come again?"

---

#pillars of eternity #fanfic #fanfiction #poe anthem infinitum #watcher #watcher axa #eder #aloth #this chapter threw me through a plate glass window #worth it tho

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lezliefaithwade · 4 years ago

Text

A Christmas Story

A few Christmases ago, when in Paris, I happened to become friends with a homeless gentleman who frequented the corner at the end of my street. He sat upon a shocking pink suitcase with his little dog, Lucky, curled up at his feet and wished everyone who passed by a heartfelt “bonne journée.”

He never asked for money. Not once. He never scorned those who scoffed or worse judged. He simply smiled and greeted every passerby with a sincere greeting of goodwill. I’d been warned repeatedly about beggars in Paris. “Charlatans,” people said, “they’ll take everything you own if you let them.” So, when I first encountered Nichola, I hurried by shunning eye contact and willing myself NOT to look at the dog. I can turn a blind eye like the rest of us to things too uncomfortable to deal with and reasoned that since this was my first visit to Europe, I deserved a break from routine considerations. But no matter how much I wished I could ignore them, they were always there, as constant as the Eiffel Tower. After a few days, it became impossible, and frankly tiresome, avoiding him. I began to observe how kind he seemed. Children, in particular, loved Lucky and were always feeding him from the small market at the corner. On the fourth night of my stay, I happened to be returning from a concert at the Chapel in Versailles. Intoxicated by the music of Faure, I was in a particularly good mood when I noticed Nichola and Lucky asleep on the street. It was cold that night and a light wet snow had fallen so they were huddled on a grate for warmth upon the wet pavement. My heart cracked. I made my way to the apartment I was staying in around the corner on Duvivier and laying on my bed, stared at the ceiling unable to sleep. I had no idea how I could help or what comfort I could offer, but pretending they didn’t exist was now impossible.

If you learn one thing in Paris it’s about man’s inhumanity to man. Art galleries, of which there are a plethora, boast painting after painting of retribution, judgment, mercy, benevolence, and grace. Who knows more about these things than artists? The lesson from nearly every painting is how downtrodden the poor are, how much God loves the unfortunate, and the cautionary tale of revolt. No matter where I went, or what I saw, it was always Nichola and the dog. Van Gogh stared at me from his self-portrait and whispered, “What are you going to do about Nichola and the dog?” The Raft of Medusa by Théodore Géricault became a depiction of the homeless people piled on a barge with nowhere to go. Gustave Courbet’s self-portrait with a dog was none other than Nichola himself with Lucky tucked into his side. And no, it wasn’t lost on me that Nichola (namesake of Christmas) was sleeping on St. Dominque street. Dominique - the patron saint of astronomers; a man who selected the worst accommodations and the meanest clothes, and never allowed himself the luxury of a bed. What was the universe trying to tell me?

The following morning, I had breakfast with Nichola and Lucky. I brought croissants, dog food, and coffee, and for an hour I sat cross-legged on the sidewalk as we made our first attempt to converse. My French is, très mauvais, which didn’t matter as I soon discovered that Nichola's native tongue was Romani. With the help of a translation app, I learned that Romania and Bulgaria, where the majority of Roma originate, became full members of the European Union in 2007. But “transitional arrangements” in their accession to the EU mean that citizens of these former communist bloc states did not enjoy complete freedom of employment in France until December 31, 2013. Even now only certain Roma are able to be hired for certain work. He showed me a photograph of his daughter in Czechoslovakia and he gleaned that I was in theatre visiting Paris on a bursary I’d won from the Stratford Festival. Breakfast over, I waved goodbye and headed to D’Orsay or Versailles, or the Louvre, but I always came back to Nichola and Lucky for dinner between 5:30 – 6:00. On nights when the weather was bad, I gave him money for a shelter or would return home to find that he’d already earned enough for a bed somewhere. Those nights I slept better than others. Nights when I knew he wasn’t on the street, I imagined (probably somewhat naively) that he and the dog were at least safe.

It occurred to me that it was possible I was being bamboozled. It’s conceivable that my friend had a stash of money somewhere, coaxed from emotional tourists like me. Truth be told, nothing would have pleased me more than to find out that Nichola had a fine apartment in a good arrondissement and dined well with Lucky curled up on Egyptian cotton sheets. If I was being fleeced then so be it. Anyone who begs deserves money, as far as I’m concerned. It’s not a noble profession. It’s not gratifying. It’s demoralizing, tedious, work brought to light even more so during the holiday season.

What is it about Christmas that always brings us back to the issue of money? We spend so much on the creature comforts of the season, investing in commercialism and forgetting that the whole Christmas story revolves around a couple about to give birth with no roof over their head. And how often do we watch A Christmas Carol forever reminded that Ebenezer Scrooge’s relationship with money makes him as hollow as the apartments he keeps: void of life and colour. The first time I saw A Christmas Carol I was terrified. (I’m referring in particular to the black and white Alistair Sim version) Marley’s ghost in particular haunted, not only Scrooge but me for days afterward. I half expected to see the shimmering outline of some long lost relative at the end of my bed reprimanding me for stealing cookies or stepping on flowers. In my childlike brain, Marley and Santa Claus merged into some kind of specter sent to judge whether I’d been good, or not. I was forever trying to figure out how good was good? How bad was bad? If found wanting, would I be sentenced to walk the earth with the chains I’d forged? Even as a child I imagined the cord was extensive. I marveled at Charles Dicken's imagination. I didn’t believe Ebenezer Scrooge was real. No one, I reasoned, was that stingy or that greedy; but over time I’ve met a lot of Scrooges and I’ll bet you have too. We use money to ascertain a person’s value and to hold sway over others. It’s the most mysterious entity because it’s only valuable if we think it is. I learned this lesson long ago when studying in New York. I happened to hand a Canadian quarter to a subway attendant who shoved it back at me saying, “I can’t take your funny money.” Perfectly good in one place and absolutely worthless somewhere else.

It’s embarrassing asking for money when you need it and difficult for people being asked. I know a lot about this awkward relationship with money. My father, for a time, was a bank manager and finances were something we simply did not discuss. Not ever. To borrow, even a few hundred dollars was unheard of. Worse, in my family, you were shamed for asking. And if anyone took pity on you with a few bucks here or there, it was always accompanied with the directive, “…don’t tell your mother, or brother, or step-mother.” It was even worse being in the arts, a profession that carried with it the stigma of irresponsibility. The only exception I knew of was my Nana on my Mother’s side who loved nothing more than to give people things. I inherited this one trait from her. Money has never been something I hoarded (probably to my demise). Instead, I’ve seen it as simply an opportunity to help. In Paris, I became the newly converted Ebenezer Scrooge. Instead of eating at the most expensive restaurant, I ate at moderately fine establishments and saved the difference for Nichola. I bought day-old croissants and gave the difference I saved to Nichola. And when my departure date drew near I bought him a care package of food, blankets, socks, dog food, and treats.

My last night in Paris, I met a friend for a quick coffee and found myself getting emotional as I talked about the street beggars. Could it be that in getting to know Nichola, I realized that so much of my life was about luck? I live in a town where it’s not unheard of for people to have more than one home, and there was a perfectly nice person living on the streets. Our lives are so vastly different, our circumstances so varied simply for the fact of our birth. There but for the grace of God…

When my friend and I parted I made my way in the dark to Notre Dame and listened to a Christmas concert in an overflowing cathedral filled to the brim with parents and children all there to sing Sante Maria and Joy to the World. How fortunate for me that I was able to experience Notre Dame before the fire. Even an atheist would be hard-pressed to admit that there wasn’t something spiritual about that cathedral. And sitting there amongst the Parisians I felt a kind of peace. “What will happen to Nichola?” I asked the rafters and what came back was the sound of children singing:

Angels we have heard on high

Sweetly singing o'er the plains

And the mountains in reply

Echoing their joyous strains

Gloria, in Excelsis Deo

Gloria, in excelsis Deo

As I was walked home after the concert I happened by the famous bookstore: Shakespeare & Co. and was stopped in my tracks by the store’s motto, "Be Not Inhospitable to Strangers Lest They Be Angels in Disguise."

That night I wrote a letter to Nichola and left him enough money for him and his dog to return to his daughter. I sealed the envelope and, in the morning, before I left for the airport, I gave it to him.

I mention this, dear reader, not to draw any attention on me whatsoever. It’s our job to help our fellow man…at least Charles Dickens thought so when he penned,

“At this festive time of the year… it is more than usually desirable that we should make some slight provision for the poor and destitute, who suffer greatly at present. Many thousands are in want of common necessaries; hundreds of thousands are in want of common comforts.”

Three months later, I received a letter from Czechoslovakia. Enclosed was a thank you and photos of Lucky, Nichola, and his daughter in the backyard of a home set against the hills.

If I can help someone, then so can you.

#Christmas Paris Christmas story Homeless

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airmaginept2 · 4 years ago

Text

“The hardest part of this is leaving you.”

“Show me you're sorry

Say it with your eyes”

Your Sweater - Cole

Suggestion of songs to listen to while reading this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9GchXFsA8Ww

pairing: jungkook x reader

words: 1.4k

summary: where the reader can’t be with jk cause he's famous and she isn’t, but she falls in love with him in a tour where she gets the chance to spend a few days with the members and get to know them and hangout and some parts of that interactions will be release in a video to fans.

prompt: “The hardest part of this is leaving you.”

genre: angst

- I think I’m in love with you. - he says looking at her and waiting for a response, anything.. even the slightest signal of retribution.

y/n couldn’t move. Her head in a tourbillion of thoughts that she couldn’t organize.

- i-- i don’t know what to say.. I..

- its okay, y/n. You don’t have to say nothing -he says a little disappointed. - I just wanted to get this out of my head. Its okay if don’t feel the same. I mean, it would be wonderful if you did , but we cant control this kind of things right?

y\n starts to cry 'cause she loves him, she fell in love too, maybe even more than him, but how could this work? "look at me.. i don’t deserve him. This isn’t some kind of fanfic where i can leave the life that i have to follow him cause I know that even if he thinks that his feelings are truth.. they aren’t. It can’t be.I can’t be that person to him cause he deserves so, so much more." jungkook cant stand seeing her cry. He gets closer slowly and pulls her to a big hug. A silent one. Without the laughs that they usually shared. she sobs even harder and squeeze his jacket.

- hey.. is okay.. We’re okay.. Please don’t cry for me.. i don’t deserve your tears.. - he try to make her smile but this makes her cry even more. they stayed this way for a long time, until their both legs begin to hurt for being stand up that long.

jungkook looks down to see if y\n is still crying and notice that she closed her eyes and are just breathing slowly. he gently back way to look at her, having no idea what to do. he didnt knew what kind of response he wanted after telling her that he was in love, but this was not in the script. he was lost. y/n was the one to says something first:

- i really needed that... thank you.

- don’t need to say thank you. i cause this too.

- no kook, you didn’t cause anything.

- yes i did.. i shouldn’t have said it nothing.

- yes, you should. 'cause otherwise I’ll be felling like a clown being the only one to think that feel something..

- wait.. you feel something too?

y\n smiles unbelieving what she was hearing

- look at you kook, look at your heart, your mind, your body, all of you. How can anyone not fall in love with you? How? Your heart is so pure, the way that you are.. i.. i just can put into words.. i.. - jungkook breaths deeply, waiting.. wating her to say.. please, say it.

- i really like you kook.. But we both know that this is out of our reality. of MY reality he understood what she was talking about, but this doesn’t exclude the fact the both were in love.

-I’m mad at myself. This stupid heart of mine..

he smiled at her taking her hand and cover them with his own.

- i understand you. Okay? i totally understand. This all sucks.. but part of my just want to be and inconsequence teenager and kiss you right now and runaway with you.

he caress her hands then bring to his heart.

- I’m sorry. - she said trembling to his touch.

- You’re always apologizing. Stop.

y\n smiles

- Sorry for that too - causing him to laugh too.

- apologies accepted.

now was y\n turn to get closer to him. jungkook leans his heads to meet hers.

- come closer.. - he whispers. she leans forward. - closer.. they are awfully close now, felling the warm of each other skins.

- i don’t think i can let you go, yn.

- kiss me.

...

- please don’t go away, y/n.. i know that you have to. I know that you have a life outside this crazy world of mine, but i.. i love you.

this time he doesn’t give time to her to respond he just keep talking:

- my heart's broken cause i dont want to let you go. i just cant. Please don’t leave me. please don’t.

- you know i have to. - y\n doesn’t have the courage to say to him that she thinks not deserve him 'cause she knows he will try to convince her otherwise and she knows that she would fall for it. - this is your world. not mine i can’t do this.

jungkook close his eyes. it was like a punch in the face. y\n comes closer to him, kissing his tears, tears that he doesn’t even notice it was falling.

- i love you so, so much jk.. - she says smiling - i think you know i do.. Maybe if i didn’t, this wouldn’t hurt this much. but i do, and it does.. i love you... The hardest part of this is leaving you.

y\n tried to touch his head with hers but suddenly he pulls way from her.

- if you love me that much then why are you leaving, huh? - he started to talk louder now

- cause.. I..

- you know what? I don’t care. I did everything! i said to you how i feel and you just dont care!

- of course i do!

- clearly you don’t! not enough anyway! not enough for you to try. not enough for you to stay! for me, for us!

- kook, can’t you see how much this is hurting me?!

- you? how about me? how about my feelings?

- I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! i don’t deserve you. i never did!

- don’t pretend you care! don’t pitty me y\n!

- ..please, jungkook.. I – I didn’t mean to… he looks at his feet, trying to find in himself all the anger that he could use in his voice and eyes, trying no to cry like a baby in front of her. his mind just couldn’t understand why she was doing this. a part of him truly wanted to comprehend but the other half doesn’t.

- you know what? I don’t want anything to do with you anymore! maybe you're right you're no good for me.

y\n couldn’t say anything. all the words the she was hearing... " i deserve this. he is right"

-.. i shouldn’t have come here. i shouldn’t come to this program to begin with. Jungkook just wanted to pull her close to him and kiss her and tell that she changed him and that she had marked him in a way that he couldn’t understand. But he didn’t.

- Forget all of this fighting. forget it. Forget me. we're both gonna be okay. I guess we just.. Weren’t meant to be. - he said letting her go.

...

- y\n are you okay? - Jimin said when she enter the building crying in silence and going straight to her room.

Jimin followed her immediately.

- hey..what happened?

- None of this was real.. i just wanna go home.

- talk to me about it, please y\n.

- i don’t want to, Chim. I just want to go home.

....

Namjoon was the one to break the ice when the seven were exiting the pratice room.

- Hey…JK, are you okay? You’ve been really quiet since you came back…

- I’m fine hyung. Leave me alone, please.

.....

- yn.. please stop running from me. - he said holding her against the tree.

- please.. i .. just.. I don’t want to talk to you right now. please, leave me alone.

- y\n.. im so sorry. If I could take it all back… I would.

- here’s the thing jungkook. you cant. and i don’t want you to. its better this way. You don’t deserve someone like me. I cant be with you. lets not talk about this anymore. Can we pretend that this never happened? he gives a pause. Her words settling down on his mind.

-... can you? are you ready to delete me? - he says, now looking at her.

y\n look at him.

- I’ll try my best.

- i can’t believe you.

- lets go back inside, Jungkook. okay?

.....

- it’ll be alright.

- no hyung.. it won’t.

- you will get ov--

- i don’t wanna get over it okay?

.......

he send her a message..

"i’m drunk and i miss you"

#jungkook #bts imagine #bts #imagine #reactions #scenarios

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chwrpg · 4 years ago

Text

It’s about time. We’ve been waiting for you guys. -- Nova Lisbon

A NOTE FROM ADMIN B: If anyone can hear screaming in the distance don’t worry it’s just me!!!!!!!!! It’s no secret the Lisbon sisters are the loves of my life so I’ve always wanted to have the full set on the dash to really get into that family dynamic of theirs. And now, thanks to resident angel™ Tiff, we’re one step closer! I love the way you’ve written Nova-- like the other sisters she has that enigmatic manic pixie dream girl facade, but there’s so, so much more behind what everyone else projects onto her. I cannot wait to see her finally get the attention she deserves.

OOC NAME/ALIAS, PREFERRED PRONOUNS, AGE & TIMEZONE:

That Bitch FKA Tiff . 26 . CST

DESIRED CHARACTER:

Nova Lisbon

HOW ACTIVE WILL YOU BE?

SECONDARY CHOICE:

DESCRIBE THE CHARACTER:

If John Green had ever met Nova Lisbon he would have had a field day with that one. Everything about her from the way she walked with a little skip in her step to her more arbitrary habits like the way she dotted her i’s with hearts and took Buzzfeed personality quizzes when she was bored in class was more than enough material for her to inevitably become someone’s manic pixie dream girl. It wasn’t even that there was necessarily anything special that made her stand out from everyone else, people were just naturally attracted to her because she was an enigma; an experience that they could talk about at class reunions in the years to come. The Lisbon sisters were known in town for the air of mystery that followed them, enticing those who enjoyed a challenge to go to great lengths in hopes of catching the attention of one of the elusive sirens. Catching the eye of one of them was like winning a lottery ticket or climbing Mount Everest. While her sisters preferred to shy away from this portrayal that had been placed on them since their move to Rosewood, just trying to live normal lives, Nova reveled in all of the extra attention, more than happy to take her sisters’ share. Being caught smack dab in the middle of so many personalities made it so that it could be difficult to not get overlooked and that soon became one of her biggest fears, being forgotten and ultimately left behind, even by her own family. A fear that she never shared with any of them out of fear of sounding more irrational than her mother often made her feel. How could she tell them not to be themselves because it made her feel small compared to them when their parents had already stifled almost all enjoyment out of their life? Instead she began doing outrageous things and getting into unsavory habits for the sake of standing out. And in a way showing that she had control over her life, that no one told her what to do, even her parents. Though as mature as she tried to come off she was still a naive, hopeless romantic who could easily be taken advantage of. She fell in love easily. It seemed almost weekly. Unfortunately all of those people were out of her life about as fast as they had come in. But in that desperation to become a person of importance in others lives, in fighting so desperately to not become just another passing flavor of the week, she gave pieces of herself. Until she had given so much there was nothing left to give. Until all that was left was for her to get her shit together and pick up those pieces herself. And slowly but surely she was learning to do that. No offense to Alaska Young, but she was going to become the one who would control the narrative to her own story.

SAMPLE WRITING:

When Nova had first proposed the idea of a peer counseling program she had been met with a couple of chuckles, little bouts of amusement which soon took an awkward turn when the realization hit that she was completely serious. They were completely in their right to believe that she had been joking of course. Up until recently she wasn’t known for taking anything too seriously, much less known to dabble in humanitarianism. How on Earth did this girl, the same girl who throughout high school threw fits mid lecture over something as simple as a break up note think she was equipped to share any kind of advice with anyone? But that was exactly why Nova thought she was a prime candidate to participate in a peer counseling program. While, yes, she had been raised in an extremely sheltered environment she had somehow managed to find herself going through certain hardships that weren’t universally shared in such a short amount of time. Sure, as the whispers around town had led everyone to believe once the girls had all effectively left their time in captivity in their house, there probably wouldn’t have been so many speed bumps along the way if she had just listened to her parents. But she also wouldn’t have learned any of the life lessons she had if these experiences never occurred. For as much as she had been shamed at the time for her mistakes she felt no regrets. These moments and lapses in judgement that she was demonized for, especially by her mother who constantly berated her for being a free spirit, had molded her into the person she was today. The thing with Nova was that she stopped letting herself be bound by the rules the moment they settled down in Rosewood. Which really should have come as less of a surprise considering the compounding frustration that had slowly built up in the girls, passing on the baggage from the sister before them like a rite of passage.

Being part of such a tight knit family had always felt like both a blessing and a curse. The Lisbon sisters had always been as thick as thieves, so close that growing up Nova even believed they all shared a soul. That they all took different parts of it and together completed a whole person. Tessa had snatched up the compassion and understanding, Marina the brutal honesty and vicious protectiveness, Bridget the loyalty and adaptability, and Cecily the courage and patience. At least that was how she coped with their situation, by doing what she always did and romanticizing everything. Perhaps that was where the real problem lied though, that their codependence ran so deep they lost their sense of individuality. But what else were they supposed to do when their growth had already been stunted so severely by denying them the ability to form any true relationships outside of their own household? Even Nova had always been more open to the public than her sisters left a lot of things unsaid, things she didn’t think were of much importance but explained a lot about her character. Things she wanted people to find out about her by looking deeper than surface level. She left hints here and there, little moments with different people, like a scavenger hunt waiting to be solved. It was a path many had tried to venture but very few actually made headway along.

These who truly got to know Nova knew she was like a hurricane; calm and still at times like the eye of the storm, the still point in the turning world as one of her many suitors once stated. But destructive in passing, wearing her heart on her sleeve, and often making a scene when she felt like she was being played. Maybe that was why no one could quite understand why it was she felt the need to start the peer counseling program. Was it to gain some kind of karmic retribution for all the lives she had turned upside-down? Or was it to live vicariously through the lives of others by listening to their stories like they were retellings excerpts from books in some vast library of life? The truth was much more simple than that. Nova just loved people. And she liked to help them, not out of self interest despite this desperate need to be loved in return, but because she was fundamentally a caretaker.

This was how she found currently herself the only running some errands for colleagues and shopping for holiday decorations to spruce up the little office they used as the peer counseling center. She had taken a bit of a detour in the beauty department when the wails of child snapped her out of her own thoughts. Turning to scan down the aisle and see where the ruckus was coming from she spotted a little girl, no more than two or three years old. Around how old her child would have been had things turned out differently. The kid seemed to be lost and crying out for her mom but there was no one in sight who seemed to be coming to her rescue. She shuffled back awkwardly to the end of the aisle, looking all around to see if anyone was making their way back over for her or even if there was an employee whose attention she could get, but there was no one. Part of her told herself to just go and pretend like she didn’t see anything, it wasn’t her business anyways. But this wasn’t something she could overlook, it didn’t sit right to not do anything. Seeing this tiny person so upset because she was lost and didn’t know what to do reminded her of herself, and how she felt growing up.

“Hey sweetie…Did you get separated from your mom?” She asked timidly, slowly making her way closer to her, crouched down slightly so she was level with the kid to not make her feel too intimidated of this stranger coming up to her. The little girl simply nodded in response, wiping at her eyes and nose with the sleeve of the jacket she had on. “Okay. I’m gonna take you to some people that are gonna help find her, alright?” The Lisbon girl offered in the most reassuring tone she could muster up to reassure the child that things would be okay. Gracelessly she led the little girl through the store towards the front, to the customer service area where she knew the girl would be safe and there were people who were more trained on what to do in this kind of situation. Whose hearts probably wouldn’t be on the brink beating out of their chest from anxiousness of having someone else’s safety in their hands, especially when the girl reached up to clutch her hand only managing to hold onto a few of her fingers as they walked.

As awkward as she herself felt, the unknown leading the unknown, she did her best to keep a brave face all the same. The same forced smile she plastered on whenever she went back home, which she hadn’t been back to since her miscarriage. Nova had never been great with kids. They were a huge responsibility, they required lots of time, they were very dependent. They asked for much more than she currently had to give, more than she thought she would ever have to give. And quite honestly she hadn’t had the best examples of parenting. The fear of screwing up another life because of her own damage was real. It was why as shitty as she felt thinking it she was actually sorta relieved when she miscarried. It was a sad situation knowing there had been a life inside of her and losing it from one minute to another. But it didn’t feel sad to her. To be honest she didn’t really feel anything when it happened other than a weight off her shoulders. It felt like she had been granted a second chance at life. A chance to do everything over but better this time. But currently this tiny person was being so strong and entrusting her whole life with someone she didn’t know. The least she could do was act like she had her shit together for a few moments.

When they made it to the service desk the employees got straight to making an announcement calling for the girl’s mother. Nova turned to head back to finishing her errands but stopped in her tracks when she felt a tug on the back of her shirt. It was the little girl. She begged for her not to leave and Nova didn’t have the heart to tell her no. So she stayed and played the few schoolyard games she remembered, like patty cake and rock paper scissors, with her until her mother arrived.

The mother’s face was covered in tears as she scooped up her kid and held her close. She thanked Nova over and over again. “I don’t know how to repay you.” She said through her tears.

“That’s not necessary, ma’am. Seeing how happy you two are is enough repayment for me. Just remember to cherish her the same way you are now always. Even when she gets older and starts giving you a hard time.” She said with a soft laugh and warm smile. As happy as she was for the happily reunited family she felt a pang in her chest as she thought about how broken hers currently was, everyone going in completely different directions once they had left home. It pained her heart to see someone have the kind of relationship she had always wanted with her mother, to see someone be revered simply for existing and not looked down on as if she was a mistake.

Maybe this was a sign. She had overcome every other problem in her life. Maybe it was time she faced the last one holding her back. Letting go of the anger she felt towards her parents. Or at least confront the issue instead of running from it. She pulled out her cellphone and dialed the number of the one parent she wasn’t scared out of her mind to talk to.

“Hey, Dad…How are you?” She asked softly into her phone.

ANYTHING ELSE?

1985

#accepted #submission

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blvckhvert · 4 years ago

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[ DAVID CASTAÑEDA. CIS MALE. 29. ] Welcome to New York City, [ ANTONIO SUÁREZ ]. [ HE ] is affiliated with [ THE HORSEMEN ] and spend their days as a [ BOXER ]. They have lived in New York City for [ EIGHT YEARS ] and are known for being [ STAUNCH & RESOURCEFUL ], as well as [ FLIPPANT & VENGEFUL ]. They were [ FIFTEEN ] when they found out they had the power of [ DARKNESS MANIPULATION ] and have been classified a [ LEVEL 3 ]. (KIP. 24. SHE/THEM. EST) / [ HITMAN ]

murder tw & death tw !

Basics !

Name: Antonio Suárez (will respond to Tony but prefers Antonio) Age: Twenty-nine Hometown: Chicago, Illinois Sexual Orientation: Bisexual Ability: Darkness manipulation Occupation(s): Boxer & hitman for the Horsemen Education Level: High school (made it to senior year, but never graduated) + Traits: Staunch, resourceful, & assertive - Traits: Flippant, vengeful, & cocky Mini Playlist: Another One Bites the Dust -- Queen // Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap -- AC/DC // Kill of the Night -- Gin Wigmore // Cold Blood -- Dave Not Dave // Used to the Darkness -- Des Rocs // Dead Inside -- Younger Hunger // Everything Black -- Unlike Pluto & Mike Taylor // Don’t Stop Me Now -- Queen

Backstory !

Born to two loving parents on a hot August night fifteen minutes after his twin, Marco -- Antonio never knew a moment without the other.

As they grew and developed their personalities, it became clear the pair couldn’t be more different from each other. Marco was always so serious while Antonio couldn’t help cracking a joke -- even in the most inappropriate times. Overwhelming pessimism and never ending optimism, cautious and reckless, reserved and loud mouthed -- whatever Marco was, Antonio wasn’t and vice versa. Despite all their differences, the brothers got along well -- balanced each other out even. Every time Antonio was ready to leap in head first, there was a gentle hand to hold him back and give some thought to what he was actually about to do and in turn Antonio would be one of the few to get Marco to actually loosen up.

Of course it’s not all sunshine and rainbows with siblings -- arguments are bound to happen. It was a particularly heated one over some dumb stunt Antonio pulled during a warm September afternoon that triggered everything. Antonio disappeared in a cloud of darkness only to reappear a few feet away and Marco accidentally shot a beam of light a few inches to the left of where Antonio was standing. Once the shock wore off -- Marco decided it was best if they kept this between them, to which Antonio agreed. Who knew if both their parents were gifted or not -- best not to risk it.

It seemed fitting that they find out at the same time and that their abilities be polar opposites of not only each other, but also their own personalities. If nothing else, Antonio thought it was another humorous stunt pulled by the universe.

A few days and minor accidents passed and Marco finally decided it’d be best if the pair (Antonio really) were more responsible with their newfound abilities. So they started practicing in an abandoned warehouse (it’s truly a miracle neither one accidentally killed the other one).

Antonio and Marco weren’t from the best neighborhood in the city so it wasn’t uncommon to see crimes (mostly small ones) take part around them. Rather impulsively, Antonio suggested that they actually put their abilities to good use rather than simply fucking around in a warehouse. Plus, two young gifted doing the city a bunch of favors couldn’t hurt the gifted public image. Marco wasn’t for the plan, but Antonio told him he was going to do it regardless so Marco decided to tag along -- if not only to ensure Antonio didn’t get himself killed.

So there they were -- two dumb kids in even dumber outfits armed with nothing but a very amateur handling of their powers out to deal with some crime in the streets of Chicago. And it surprisingly worked for a little over two years. It wasn’t a every night thing -- Marco insisted that they get rest and not neglect their school work (if Antonio’s grades got any worse there would be no hope for passing) and Antonio insisted he maintain some sort of social life. They largely went after smaller criminals -- knowing better than to bit off more than they could chew. If either were noticeably injured, they told their parents that they were jumped while walking back home (their parents definitely started getting suspicious towards the end).

It was all fun and games until it wasn’t. The fated night came when the duo bit off more than they could chew. It happened in a flash -- Antonio got careless and naturally Marco stepped in and ultimately paid a price for it. Antonio tried his best to get Marco to the nearest hospital in time via shadow teleporting several times, but it was too late -- Marco died in his arms.

The first few months after Marco’s death passed slowly. Antonio was consumed by his grief and guilt -- rarely leaving his dark bedroom. The rest of the world carried on as if nothing had happened. Sure, the justice system was “looking into it”, but it wasn’t going to likely end with any real justice -- not when Marco was a gifted. His grief started to twist into a dark need for retribution where the justice system was failing to deliver.

Several more months passed by -- all a dark blur of lurking in the shadows in an attempt to find the man responsible for Marco’s death. Still only a teenager, he relied heavily on using his ability to intimidate and harm whoever he could get his hands on for information. Eventually he came face to face with the man he was seeking and after quite the struggle, he got his revenge. It wasn’t what he expected though -- he thought he’d feel better, but he didn’t. Feeling even more confused and lost, he fled and never looked back.

The years in between running away and reaching New York are a hazy mess of fruitless efforts to fill some kind of void. He worked a few odd jobs here and there and sought out all kinds of distractions in places he never intended to stay before up and leaving again.

Eventually he found himself in New York. The first year was more of the same purposeless motions until he caught wind of the Horsemen. Fighting for mutant rights -- sounded like something Marco and him would’ve done had they been more mature, more realistic in their dreams, so he said fuck it and joined up with them.

Having a purpose, a direction to follow -- it was good for him. He seemed more like himself than he had in years -- even if it was initially just for appearance’s sake. He even got a steady job boxing (lack of a diploma or GED and odd job experience left him pretty limited -- but hey, he could take and throw some punches).

Now he’s living it up with the Horsemen and ya know, disposing of anyone he’s told to.

Headcanons !

This guy is obnoxious with his shadow teleporting whenever he’s somewhere where he knows he’s not going to have to put up with prejudice for being a gifted. Like need him to go somewhere more than ten steps? He’s going to shadow teleport.

His role in the Horsemen is rather dark, but he cracks jokes or makes smartass remarks about it all the time. Very “If you’re going to kill a bunch of people -- you might as well have some fun with it.” kinda has some Zsasz energy from Gotham tbh.

He keeps most of the details of his life before New York vague -- claiming he’d like to keep an air of mystery around himself to keep things exciting, but in reality there isn’t much of his life that didn’t involve Marco and it’s a subject he’d still rather not touch.

Antonio is a real ride or die bitch for all members of the Horsemen. It doesn’t really matter to him if they don’t have a close personal relationship or if they don’t necessarily get along -- he’ll still put his ass on the line for any of them without a second thought.

“Am I a murderer? Yes, but I’m a loyal murderer so I still think I deserve nice things.”

Again, he’s pretty indifferent to his role in the Horsemen -- sometimes the ends justify the means and it’s not as if he’s a stranger to violence or a little murder.

There really is no color in his wardrobe -- which in his defense is smart because he blends into shadows easier when dressed in black from head to toe but still.

He has a little minimalist light bulb tattooed on his wrist for Marco, but if asked about it he simply shrugs and says he was drunk and blindly pointed to something on the wall to get tattooed.

Listen, my man only has resources from his role in The Umbrella Academy so we’re just going to roll with the facial scars. When you live a dangerous life (amateur vigilantism, boxing, contract killing...) you’re bound to get a few anyway!

Wanted Connections !

Can be found here !

Anything you want to throw at me!

#gifted:intro #murder tw #death tw

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flamereign · 5 years ago

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so i’ve always sorta wanted to make a short (ish) overview of lea’s mental/emotional state during & post kh3, as the game in all it’s Disney Is For Kids!!! fashion glossed over a lot of the results, repercussions and consequences of going through the kind of trauma axelea went through. of course, this is based on my view of events ( i.e. lea did not relinquish his heart willingly and did not cope well at all to his heartless state as axel which does have repercussions on lea’s state of mind once he got his heart back ) and what i’d imagine that would do to a guy who spent about a decade in a really emotionally toxic environment basically suppressing his emotions / memories and even his past identity. as i just want to give an overview, i tried keeping it as short and to the point as possible, but it did still get a tad long thanks to my tendency to ramble so sorry in advance ...

in any case, thanks for reading! here goes

during and early post kh3 lea gets easily overwhelmed by emotions. as i stated earlier, he did spent about a decade believing he couldn’t feel, even resulting in him gaslighting himself whenever he did feel something. because he essentially lost his heart around age 15-16 you could say he’s basically still stuck in puberty, only with some added ptsd to the mix: lea literally has to relearn how to process and identify emotions within himself after a decade of suppressing them*. emotions, therefore, tend to hit him hard and fast, can take him utterly by surprise and he has difficult getting them back under control. this can lead to either an overreaction of a certain type of emotion ( for example laughter that turns to unstoppable giggles, tears that turn to uncontrollable sobbing, mild anxiety that can flip to a panic attack at even the smallest triggers ), contrary emotional reactions ( crying when happy, wanting to laugh when actually feeling angry or nervous, or even just a lack of emotional response when he's feeling sad ) loss of temper / anger due to embarrassment or even complete dissociation / a feeling of numbness. *see also point 3

this emotional overload leads to hypersensitivity especially if there are added outside stimuli; if it gets really bad even the touch of clothes against his skin feels like too much. in some cases, it can also result in a feeling of extreme depersonalization**, a feeling like he’s not part of his own body anymore, like his consciousness is torn in every which direction and he’s about to splinter apart. his usual reaction is to isolate himself to a contained space with little to no outside stimuli ( so a dark, quiet and small space ) until he can come back to himself. if for any reason he can’t, it will result in an anxiety attack or even him flipping to rage form and lashing out. **in this case, it actually helps him a lot of there is a weight placed on top of him to ground him back into the here and now: sometimes this means he’ll go sit in the shower under a really hard stream of water, or he’ll go huddle into a really tight space or, if there is someone around he trusts, he’ll even calm down if they lay down on top of him as it also reassures him they’re real and they’re there. anyone else touching him is a big no no in this situation, however.

lea has a mild case of alexithymia as a result of the decade long suppression of his own emotions and feelings. though this condition is defined as a personality trait, in lea’s case it’s more of a result of that very specific trauma ( see also the point 1 ), and will get less impacting as time goes on and lea learns to readjust to life with heart and emotions once more. alexithymia is mainly characterized by: a) difficulty identifying feelings and distinguishing between feelings in the self and in others, b) difficulty describing feelings to others. point a) also results in point 1 and 2 while point b) results more in point 4 below and actually makes talking about his experiences and his feelings quite taxing for him.

as a result of all of the above, he still shows a lot of avoidance behaviors: deflecting ( mostly with humour or self depreciation ), distracting himself w/ something else instead of letting himself process ( like, throwing himself immediately into training to become a keyblade wielder and saving his friends rather than, yanno, give himself some fucking time to breathe ), becoming defensive or angry when people push ( exceptions here roxas / xion / isa / others, depending on plotted relationship, but even then it’s difficult for him to fully open up ) and he’ll rather avoid talking about the heavy stuff altogether for as long as possible, preferring to act like things are fine even if his body language and facial expressions clearly show things are, in fact, not fine.

to add to the above: unlike axel, who had a kick ass poker face, lea has a really hard time hiding what he feels, but that still doesn’t make it easier for him to express what he feels. he may be an open book to others, but it’s not as obvious to himself. of course contextually or depending on the situation he can infer whether his own state of mind is happy or sad or anxious and he does still have previous experience to draw on, but if the context or situation can’t help him it could be that he cries but will not be able to say if they’re happy tears or sad tears, if he feels unsettled he won’t be able to easily discern if it’s anger, if it’s frustration, anxiety or simply because there’s something physical going on ( lack of sleep / eating / oncoming illness etc etc ). as you can imagine this is very frustrating to him and does not help the bullet points i already expanded on above.

regardless of the motivations and traumas that guided axel’s behaviors and actions ( which i will make a separate post about ), getting his heart back has been a quite eye-opening experience to lea to the extent he’s willing to go to survive, to all of his worst qualities and sides and to the fact that he’s capable of doing the things he’s done: his past as axel and the things he’s done are causing a tremendous amount of guilt, identity issues*** and even self-loathing culmulating in mild depression. in short, the confidence he used to have as a kid and as a nobody have taken a big ass dent. despite the fact that the keyblade has chosen him, he often doubts and second guesses on whether he’s even worthy of it and had it not been for his determination to save his friends and fix past wrongs, he might’ve even renounced that power all together thinking he doesn’t truly deserve to be a wielder. this self-doubt and lack of confidence caused him a lot of issues in his training even getting the keyblade to appear and is, imo, one of the big reasons why he was overpowered so easily by xemnas in that final confrontation. ***in my opinion, the traits of the nobodies can be seen as that actual person’s worst traits magnified -- in a way, axel can be seen as lea’s inner darkness: the selfishness, the impulsiveness, the temper, that manipulative side, the ruthlessness and the dishonesty are all traits that were already there, but were always balanced out and trumped by his positive traits. lea post kh3 has gotten to know a lot more about himself and essentially does not like the things he found out: quite understandably he’s having a hard time accepting and reconciling axel with who he is as lea now and as a result he subconsciously tries to suppress the parts that are axel while consciously trying to accept them, which causes him to feel like he’s not sure anymore who he is and who he is supposed to be. this only adds to the guilt and self-doubts he already experiences. this is also why i thought that him letting other people use the name axel for him so easily was a really weird decision in the game.

with his tendency to doubt his own worth also comes paranoia. one big example is the automatic suspicion he feels at nice / friendly gestures, actions or words -- a suspicion mainly borne from the thought that he doesn’t really deserve those, or that it shouldn’t be as easy. especially during kh3 this will largely center around the other wielders of light or really anyone who’s known him as axel.

a large part of the paranoia is also linked to his ptsd; he is very hyper-aware: this can be hyper-awareness in specific situations -- for example he’ll feel uncomfortable in large crowds, or in spaces with low visibility, he’ll flinch at loud & sudden noises, will go from relaxed to ready to attack in the span of a second if someone or something startles him and he will shy away from touch from people he doesn’t know -- or even in a general sense meaning that in any given situation where things seem to be going well or he’s feeling happy he’s always in some part waiting for the other shoe to drop or for the situation to blow up in his face as some kind of karmic retribution. as a result, there’s part of him that has become very sensitive to change as any signs of abrupt and inexplicable change in his life will be interpreted as a sign of impending doom, to put it very dramatically. this in turn can feed into the emotional overload and bodily hypersensitivity i described further above.

for that latter part, the same can be said about his relationships with other people. i don’t think it’ll come as a surprise to know that with everything he’s gone through and the losses he’s faced as axel, his part of the blame in that aside for a moment, lea has some major abandonment issues. this also ties in with his low confidence, self-doubt and guilt complex: it’ll take a long time for him to trust that someone will actually want to stick around and part of him is also hypersensitive to signs of behavioral changes in others towards him -- in short, part of him is also always waiting for the people he cares about and who obviously also care about him to wise up about what a failure he is and consequentially leave him. if by any chance this does happen, even if it is through no fault of any party, he’ll always instinctively place the blame on himself, putting it down as something he’s said or done to make that person go. as a result, if that person returns lea will be both clingy as well a avoidant as he a) wants for them to stick around and b) doesn’t trust them not to leave again, so it’d be better to simply keep his distance.

the above also results in him not wanting to show his flaws, his doubts and weaknesses: he loathes failure, internalizes and bottles up a lot of his negative emotions towards himself and others and pushes himself beyond his boundaries often just to try and prove that he can ( despite not truly believing that he is ). he’s afraid that if the people he cares for and respect know about his doubts and fears, it’ll increase the risk of them leaving him behind. this is especially apparent in kh3 towards his fellow keyblade wielders: despite having his doubts about being worthy of the keyblade, it’s not something he would’ve ever said or shown, believing that if he showed any signs of not being able to handle the weight of the keyblade, they’d sideline him or boot him out completely. considering a big motivation for him joining the battle in the first place was to atone, to fix past mistakes by helping to save his friends, the idea of having that chance taken away caused a lot of fear and inner stress, resulting in frequent bouts of exhaustion and depression, more self-loathing, defensiveness and even anger if someone tried to critique his actions or question his motives.

due to the above described symptoms of his ptsd, depression and emotional instability, he has issues with insomnia. whenever he does manage to get sleep, he also frequently experiences very vivid nightmares and night terrors. whereas as axel he’d turn to sleep to pass the time, as lea he tends to avoid sleep altogether unless absolutely necessary.

obviously i realize that reading all of the above combined makes it sound as if lea’s struggling under huge emotional and mental strain every day ( and technically speaking he sorta is because this is not something that turns off from one day to the next ), but i also want to add that lea himself doesn’t particularly think of himself as unhappy or depressed 24/7 ( or even at all ) so it’ll not always be super apparent in his attitude or the way i write him in threads. imo, lea’s strength has always come from his empathy, his mental fortitude and his ability to adapt --- and i don’t want to forget that on top of all the negative, he’s finally experiencing all the positive sides of having his heart back as well. this, plus the fact that, unlike axel, he actually has a support system to fall back on, friends that support him and who he can support in return, definitely help him a lot in his day to day activities.

nevertheless the above are all factors i take into account to determine the way axelea thinks and chooses to react to certain situations and in his interpersonal relationships and are thus important to my portrayal of him. so to anyone who’s read this entire thing: i love you from the bottom of my heart.

#headcanon.#long post /#sorry mobile users sbhsbgdhg #if anyone wants me to tag this in some other way lemme know

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