#but…she isn’t Muslim…and would probably look at you like you were stupid if you said she was

[ronnyraygun]

Talia and Baby Jay dynamic make my brain giggle.

[myrheblies]

Satan is shrinking

All I’ve ever wanted was control. Over the choices I made, the things I wanted, my life. Dad died and suddenly, mother and I were constantly fighting for control. And mother isn’t an easy person to fight. She was always so precise. Breakfast would come and she’d boil three eggs, but she would always only eat one and expect me to do the same. The third egg was a test, to see who had more control. Or maybe a show on her part. Often, the egg would go to the dog by the end of the night. Sometimes, I’d crack, bringing the egg to the privacy of my room, losing to her hunger-fied arms race. She would never touch it. Dad died and suddenly, mother stopped cooking and we both stopped eating.

It got harder as Autumn rolled around. Mother always insisted on wearing our nicer dresses to church when Sunday came by, but it was getting so cold. She prides herself on it, being able to step into that building, controlling that tremor of ice that runs through her body when she removes her pettycoat and hangs it on the rack, still wearing a dress suited for summer in this cold breeze. She prides herself on how small she looked, strutting down the aisle and into the front pew, while I followed behind her like a lost puppy, arms crossed and covered with the turtleneck I’d worn under the dress. And when time came to sing the hymns, she’d sing the loudest, holding her breath longer and letting out a gasp of music that sounded holier than the others. Then we’d have Eucharist, standing in line to drink our wine and eat our bread, and mother, with tears down her cheeks and in her voice, would swear to the priest that Jesus’s sacrifice will keep her full all day. She wasn’t lying.

I’d graduated from high school the year before and mother wouldn’t let me leave her. Something about dying alone, something about the antichrist pushing his agenda into universities, something about walking the dog. I stayed because, what would I do anyway? Out there? I’d be surrounded by atheists and Muslims and Catholics; Mother says they’ve lost their minds. I worked the local pet shop with Janus. He’s a few years older than me and grew up in the house in front of mine. He hadn’t wanted to leave the village since the new coffeeshop had opened in the town center.

“You look like you’d be on MyThinSpace instead of MySpace,” Janus had said one day, watching me as I, with much struggle, stacked the 20kg bags of cat food onto the trolley. “Damn, those bags probably weigh more than you.”.

“I don’t know what that is,” I heaved, pushing the weight of the trolley to the front of the store, feeling the pressure in my bones. Opa had bought me a computer as a graduation gift. I’d only been using it to read archived books about spiders and to watch porn. My highschool friends were never too enthusiastic about keeping in touch with me. But Janus was insistent that I needed to make a MySpace profile as he followed me in the store. He’d told me that’s how you get cheap kush and hot girls. I told him to fear God.

But, when I got home, the first thing I did was make a MySpace profile and add Janus. I spent maybe an hour scrolling the site, looking at my old friends’ profiles, before ultimately, feeling glum and bored. MySpace sucked. It was 8:45pm. I had brought the egg into the room with me when I saw it on the counter, Lars whining at me as I walked past him with the egg. I was feeling the pinching from within my stomach, tossing egg from hand to hand as I basked in the glow of a yellow MySpace profile. Do I really want to eat this stupid egg? Janus made me have half his sandwich during lunch too. Stupid fat stoner Janus. MyThinSpace, what kind of joke is that? Idiot.

I decided to look it up. It was either that or lesbian porn. Surprisingly, the first search result led to a legitimate site. www.mythinspace.com. ‘Embracing the silence of hunger together’ was written in fancy lettering on the tagline. Immediately, I was immersed. A forum with so many girls who didn’t eat. Or at the very least would throw up what they did. There were posts being used as diaries, where people would log what they ate that day, how many calories they would consume, how many hours they would go without food. It was like finally being embraced in the arms of my mother while she tells me everything, everything about how she’s been and what she’s felt since dad died.

‘NL: looking for ana buddies!!   ≽^•���•^≼’

A dutch post in the sea of english.

‘hi!!!! 19 f nl. looking for friends in the netherlands who are disordered like me. ana, b/p, bipolar. bmi 18. im tired of speaking english!! ಠ‿ಥ  - lies’

Posted by a ‘ikheblies’. I have Lies. I couldn’t explain what I felt in the moment as I read through her post and the replies. Suddenly, it wasn’t just mother and I anymore. I made an account. ‘grootmyr’ was what I went by on the forums, and the first post I had made was in response to Lies. She’d been online at the time and was so eager, so quick to message me like I’d been hoping.

‘hallo myr!! im glad u found me!’ – ikheblies

Her messages were immature. If I ever wrote like this anywhere, I’d be reprimanded at first sight.

‘do u have skype? we cud vc! sorry i just got back frm uni n im 2 tired 2 type’

‘(īī ^ īī)’ – ikheblies

What the fuck is a Skype?

‘Hey Lies, I do have a skype. What is vc?’ – grootmyr

I quickly searched for a Skype on the web. Upon finding the website, I, in haste, made myself an account while I listened to the ding-ding sounds from the forum tab.

‘coooool!! wats ur acc? ill add u’

‘lol vc = voice call’ – ikheblies

She wanted to call me, over the internet? This would be my first time doing this, but I wanted to maintain my cool and kept that information to myself. I gave her my Skype username, ‘kleinemyr’, she told me that was cute. I sat in wait, staring at the empty Skype page for a good minute. Suddenly, my screen flashed in blue, bubbly music playing as icons started shaking. I hovered my cursor over the green icon, the cursor was shaking too but, that was because my hand was as I held onto the mouse. I pressed down on the left button, accepting the call.

“Hi,” my voice wavered a bit. Her profile picture was staring me in the face, a body slightly contorted far enough to show a perfect outline of a ribcage fighting against skin. I did not have time to upload a profile picture.

There’s rustling coming from her end. “Holy shit,” hearing her voice for the first time felt like receiving a revelation from God. “You’re not a pervert! An actual girl- you are a girl, right?” I blinked, feeling blood rush into my head, warming my face and ears.

“I-I’m a girl, yes,” I stammered, before cringing at how small I sounded. Like a child who had just walked in on a couple kissing.

She laughs pure honey, like I’d just said the funniest thing she’d ever heard. “No, sorry, you wouldn’t believe my luck on this site! There’s more coaches on there than there are actual anorexics,” I don’t understand what she’s talking about. “More like cockroaches, if you ask me- ooooh! Frysland!” What. How did she know where I was- oh. Skype puts your general location in your bio. I was beginning to hate Skype.

I nod, forgetting she couldn’t see me. “I’m from Broeksterwal-”

“What if I stalked you?” she cut me off. “Giving your location out there, willy-nilly. You tryna get kidnapped?” she laughed again. “I’m just kidding. I live in Amsterdam. Wait a second-” I thought she was strange but in an endearing way. She sounded brave. And alive. Full of life. Not like mother, who sounded like a ghost. More rustling came from her end before the upper half of the screen flashed again. It was a girl in a dark room, illuminated by her own screen, waving at me, I think. It wasn’t too easy to decipher her through the screen. She had long dark hair, thick eyelashes and black soot on the lids of her eyes. Her eyes. Her eyes looked dark brown in this light but I couldn’t tell. Lips, a dark cherry, like she’d just been kissed by a fruit vendor. “Hi,” she smiled at the screen. “Can I see you? I like your voice,” she sounded soft now. I couldn’t tell if she was being sultry on purpose or if I was dreaming.

Opa bought this computer for me, with a camera already fixed onto it so that he could video call me while he went travelling. He never figured out how to do it, so we stuck to e-mails. I wasn’t sure how I’d looked, probably tired. “I don’t look nice right now. Just got back from work,” I got back from work maybe 3 hours ago now.

“Aw come on, you’re not being fair!” she pouted and crossed her arms. I don’t know what compelled me to listen to her, but I did. I turned my camera on, seeing her light up as I did. I could see myself on the lower half of the screen now, I was so tired. “You’re as pretty as your voice,” she teased. I don’t know how to respond to this. “How much do you weigh?” I thought you don’t ask strangers this question.

“I don’t know,” I felt I was being assessed by her. Or that I was being judged by God.

She grinned, this time. “Stand up,” she said. I felt as though all control I had over my body and mind belonged to her in this moment. I stood, the chair screeching against the wood floor. “Go back a little,” I started stepping backwards, as the chair swivels out my way. “Okay, that’s enough,” she looked like she was thinking, while I stood there, not entirely sure what I was to do. “Can you lift your shirt? Just above your head?” I shook a bit, my hands not knowing what to do. “Just for a second, promise, it won’t be as weird as it feels,” she murmured, her face emitting something I could trust. And so I did, for just a second before pulling my shirt back down, making my way back to the chair, my eyes brimming with shame.

She told me I was small. Very small. And that I was beautiful. And that lifted the anxieties I had faster than you could’ve ever imagined. She showed me how small she was too. The freckles on her torso matched that of the profile picture. We talked. Talked until the sun shone in her face and I could see her skin and her eyes. Hazel. Almost green. We did this almost everynight for the next several months, sometimes talking until the morning, or until one of us fell asleep. I’d gotten used to the forums too. Making more friends. I found out boys could be like mother and I too. And I found out that I’d fallen in love with Lies.

So when Summer came, and Liesbeth begged me to see her in Amsterdam, I couldn’t say no. We had both gotten closer and smaller in the time we’d known each other. People at church have been saying I look smaller than mother. The look on her face, when she first heard the whispers. She looked like she could kill. Lies had started using amphetamines to help keep the cravings at bay. I didn’t approve but she started crying to me one night about how nothing else was working anymore. The coffee, the nicotine, her medication. She cried and promised she was responsible with them. She couldn’t bare to binge anymore. She couldn’t bare to see a change on the scale that wasn’t negative.

But, mother wouldn’t let me leave. We fought and fought and fought until she collapsed. Sobbing, asking God where she went wrong. I couldn’t bare to see her so shattered, though she always was broken in some way. I hadn’t eaten in a week, and though I could feel the strain in my muscles and the shake in my knees, I had won this fight. “I’ll be back in a week,” I whispered, petting Lars behind his ear, pushing him to comfort mother. Her eyes darkened then, her face shifting from sadness to pure rage.

“The devil will have you there.”

I arrived at the Amsterdam South station at 9:30pm, a duffle bag in one hand and a hefty bookbag on my back. Lugging my way through the station, the first person I met eyes with as I got out was hers. She was much taller than I anticipated, her eyes were much brighter, and her lips when she broke into that familiar smile were much more beautiful than I ever remember them being. She ran to me, almost pushing me over with her embrace. She was crying, but she was so happy, hands holding my face, peppering me with kisses before pushing her forehead against mine. “You’re here. You’re finally here,” she whispered. Why do people cry when they’re happy?

We spent the night partying with her roommates. I’d never partied but Amsterdam was the place for it. The club was full to the brim, drinks being spilt here and there, quiet huffs of powder and the raging smoke that smelled of skunk. Lies handed me some pills, I couldn’t tell nor hear what they were, so I took only one. Lies kept drinking and snorting whatever powders they had, making sure that I was the only one who’d dance with her. She was the only one I could see in this space, between the flashing lights and the sweat-coated bodies. And at times, when we would touch or kiss or make eye contact, I felt like it was just us in that godforsaken place.

By 3am, we’d gone back to her place, just the two of us. Heavily intoxicated. We’d lost her roommates somewhere in the chaos and she said that they’d be back when they come to. Just the two of us. Completely wasted. And so so in love with one another. Making love with Lies was heaven, tangled hair and legs, flushed faces not just from the alcohol but from each other’s presence. The words ‘I love you’ couldn’t help but escape our lips every time we moved through the mess of sheets. And I could feel so many of her bones through her skin, and I could flutter kisses upon every place she’d hurt herself, and I could tell her I love her and mean it. She has me. In whole, she has me. I knew from now onwards, I could never bare to be with another.

Morning light started seeping through the curtains, waking me from my slumber. I couldn’t stop smiling as I turned to look at Lies. My beautiful Lies, who laid there, hazel eyes now blue, wide open and glossed over, and beige frothy liquid foaming over her blue lips. Lies. Lies. “Lies..” I whispered to her, my shaky hand inching towards her shoulder only to flinch back completely when I felt how cold she was. She was so cold. What did we take last night? What did she take last night? Lies, not Lies, please, God, please.

I get up, pulling the sheets back, noticing how bloated she was. She would never let herself look like that. But, I didn’t care, never could when it came to her. I grabbed her by the shoulders, trying to shake her awake. I started screaming in her face to just wake the fuck up. I slapped her hard, so hard, but all that did was spill whatever liquid was in her mouth onto her clean white sheets. When did I start crying? When did everything get so fucking blurry? I sit her cold frigid body up against the headboard, sobbing. I wrapped my arms around her torso, I needed to get her warm again.

My face found it’s place in her collar. “Come on, Lies. This isn’t fair,” I cried. I finally felt like I was home. For just a night, just a few hours. I whined like Lars would for the stupid egg. I’d give him one everynight since meeting Lies. I try again to wake her. I slap her haphazardly a few times, I shake her body against the headboard, I scream into the crook of her neck, I bite- oh. I bite her. Really hard. Teeth caught in her tainted flesh. I lose it. The control I’ve had for months. I completely lose it.  

I bite and I gnaw and I chew and I swallow. And then I start again. Is this love? Is love when you lose control? Did mama not love me? Oh, sweet Liesbeth. I haven’t eaten in a week, I know you understand. You’re the only one who understands. This is like last night. This is making love. This is better than making love.

I don’t know how long I eat for but I don’t stop when I’m full. The only noise I hear is the loud gnashing and tearing and chewing of flesh. I lose myself in it. I didn’t hear the footsteps. Or the door creaking. I didn’t hear anything until I heard a scream so loud, that I find it coming out of me too. I turn to face them, bits of muscle hanging from the gaps in my teeth, the sweet taste of blood still being all I know. I could barely see them through the red mess coating my eyes.

I can only imagine what I look like.

[pyaasa]

lesbiansandgayssupporttheminers is racist; she thinks she understands racism better than poc, stands by racists, and attacks poc for trying to speak to her about racism

Tw: racism, rape mention, incest mention. also possible transphobia 

For the full story, you first need a bit of background: if you’ve been following me for a while then you will be aware I have called out @ayeforscotland’s racism several times. I would recommend reading this post for a full explanation.

In addition to the incidences mentioned in the post I have just linked, ayeforscotland has also had interactions with neo @androidgynes who is Romani and another person who is black (but didn’t want to be named) and they’ve both also called him out for his racism.

Anyway so. @androidgynes​ saw that lesbiansandgayssupporttheminers was reblogging from ayeforscotland, and that the op of the post was @/getpoliticaluk (who defends incest). Androidgynes messaged lesbiansandgayssupporttheminers (who I will from now refer to as lagstm) and informed her that ayeforscotland is racist and getpoliticaluk defends incest - the conversation that followed went like this. (the below screenshots are posted with permission from @androidgynes​)

The post that neo (@androidgynes) linked of mine was this. And I mean... clearly that particular post by ayeforscotland was very racist, he literally just sat there laughing about anti-black racism as if it was a joke. When @mangopickled​ tried to speak to him about how offensive this post was, he removed her comments from the notes of the post (like. to be clear: ayeforscotland, a WHITE MAN, made a post about racism, and then removed a WOMAN OF COLOUR’S commentary from that post when she told him that his comments were inappropriate). When I saw that, I called that out, and he blocked me. There’s many levels to his racism here that I don’t have the energy to explain, and if you don’t understand why it’s so problematic then you should probably stop reading here cos you clearly know nothing and probably care even less about anti-racism.

So on that particular post that neo linked to lagstm, there is ayeforscotland being racist, and 2 woc calling out his racism. And yet on having this post shown to her, this is how she chose to respond

lagstm literally says that she thinks my views on racism lack nuance. I am a woman of colour, I am visibly muslim, and I’ve experienced racism pretty much all my life. And here is a white woman saying that she thinks my views on racism “lack nuance”. I,, I genuinely don’t have words to convey how angry this makes me. Literally who does she even think she is. Not even is it racist to dismiss my literal LIVED experience of being a woman of colour in this country, but she is literally saying “look at these stupid brown folk, they don’t know what they’re talking about cos they’re so stupid :)”

neo points out firstly that as a white person lagstm doesn’t have the right to make that call, and also that there is ofc another woc on that post saying that exact same thing, and androidgynes themselves are roma. lagstm is not just dismissing me as a stupid savage who is too stupid to form complex thoughts, but she is also indirectly saying the same thing about 2 other poc, and saying that her judgement, as a white person, is more sound than all of ours.

It’s also worth mentioning that neo, who is Romani, was polite to lagstm during this exchange, and lagstm was rude and dismissive. I find this deeply hypocritical. Lagstm has been talking a lot about the policing bill and how it will affect GRT communities, but when she’s talking to someone who is actually *from* the Roma community, she is dismissive and condescending. All this shows is that she’s fake AF. She pretends to care about the Roma community on her blog and then speaks down to them in private.

And again this is worth repeating: AYEFORSCOTLAND WAS BEING RACIST ON THAT POST. IT WAS RACIST. WHAT HE SAID WAS RACIST. So lagstm isn’t just ignoring 3 poc, she is also ignoring,,,, you know,,, the actual racism,,,

And she also says ayeforscotland is borderline racist? Like she acknowledges ayeforscotland is borderline racist but she’s still happy to follow him? Like that alone would be enough for me actually

neo then blocked lagstm and messaged me and told me what happened, and showed me the above screenshots - btw prior to this neo and I had never interacted. Anyway I was obviously a bit disgusted but instead of going straight to blocking lagstm or making a callout post straight away, I messaged her to explain herself and take back what she said. That is now two poc who tried to resolve the matter privately - clearly a lot more than lagstm ever deserved. Androidgynes messaged me last Friday, and I messaged lagstm the next day on Saturday

My convo with lagstm went as follows:

So you can see that initially she was apologetic and said she “didn’t mean to imply that that my judgement on racism was flawed” (even tho that’s literally what she said) and defended herself by saying “I react poorly in interactions like this” - genuinely not a defence but whatever. She then proceeded to say that what she doesn’t trust my opinion on is Scotland and Ireland - which completely irrelevant. Firstly I am ambivalent to Scottish nationalism and have always said I don’t know much about it, and I support the reunification of Ireland. And secondly, my issue with aye has got literally nothing to do with Scotland or Scottish nationalism; he is racist all on his own. And the post neo linked was barely even about scottish nationalism, it was just him being anti-black. So lagstm saying “I don’t trust your judgement on Scotland and Ireland” is ridiculous considering that Scottish/Irish nationalism have nothing to do with this.

Like akjfbkjdfbs this is actually so ridiculous. It doens’t make any sense. Lagstm clearly says “I don’t trust pakisstani’s judgement on THIS issue [the issue being racism] and her views on THIS issue [the issue being racism] lack nuance” but now turns around and says “I wasn’t talking about racism, I was talking about Scotland/Ireland” like she must really think I’m dumb

And you can see Lagstm bringing up unrelated hypothetical scenarios, and saying “in this situation, you can’t tell me to defer to poc” which i found ??? Like why are you bringing up scenarios in which you think you are allowed to educate us poor and stupid black and brown folk?? I then told her she was straw-manning and that her points about Ireland/Scotland were ridiculous, but then she claimed it was me that was engaging her in bad faith. Like SHE, the white woman who practically said that I am too stupid to understand racism, and when confronted on it started straw-manning and bringing up unrelated scenarios, said I am not engaging her in good faith. AFTER both neo and I tried to speak to her privately about this. Like I tried to speak to her privately AFTER I FOUND OUT SHE HAD SAID RACIST THINGS ABOUT ME. BUT I’M NOT ENGAGING HER IN GOOD FAITH? LMAOOO

And then the accusation about rape threats which is actually the most disgusting part of this entire thing. I shouldn’t have to explain that accusing 2 poc of conspiring to send her rape threats (without any evidence whatsoever. Frankly I think she’s lying about the rape threats 🤷🏽‍♀️ it’s quite a transparent attempt to distract from her own nasty behaviour and deflect onto us) is actually extremely racist. She is invoking her white fragility and painting me and androidgynes as aggressors who are threatening her safety and inflicting/threatening to inflict sexual violence on her. It is beyond disgusting 🤮

What’s more, neo is trans, so when lagstm is baselessly accusing them of issues related to rape, she is also playing up to transphobic tropes.

One more thing worth mentioning is that there are several lies peppered throughout lagstm’s comments. Firstly when she claimed to have briefly unfollowed me - she didn’t actually. I was checking regularly, and she never unfollowed me. This was a small lie that I picked up on striaght away but because it wasn’t relevant I didn’t say anything about it. But I just think it’s interesting that she would lie for no reason. And another lie - feigning ignorance about ayeforscotland’s racism, and actually even asking for receipts is incredibly disingenuous when on this particular post, if you scroll through the notes, you can see she has literally liked it. Like she had already seen the posts where me and mangopickled called out his racism and literally LIKED it, and when neo says to lagstm that aye is racist, lagstm says “receipts please :)” YOU’VE ALREADY SEEN THEM! AND LIKED THEM! screenshot in case she unlikes it (sorry for including dumb comments by dumb scots but i need to prove it’s the same post so):

LASTLY. Last point I swear. When lagstm said “it was also coloured by the statements they’d made about another tumblr user, which didn’t relate to racism, which I didn’t address with them because I didn’t want to upset them” <- she must mean getpoliticaluk defending incest? So like what is lagstm saying here, she didn’t want to bring up that she also herself defends incest?? Like is she tryna say she’s a pro-shipping freak?????????????????????? What other way is there to read that statment

Okay that’s everything.

I’m not interested in discourse on this post - if you are white and think lagstm isn’t racist or you’re inclined to defend her then save your breath, I don’t need white people telling me what is or isn’t racist. I gave her the chance to defend herself, which is way more than she deserves, and this is how she responds. Her actions and indefensible and she can choke ☺️❤️  I will be unfollowing/blocking anyone I see reblogging from her because I deserve better than to follow people who are ok with racists ❤️ 

[whitehotharlots]

The point is control

Whenever we think or talk about censorship, we usually conceptualize it as certain types of speech being somehow disallowed: maybe (rarely) it's made formally illegal by the government, maybe it's banned in certain venues, maybe the FCC will fine you if you broadcast it, maybe your boss will fire you if she learns of it, maybe your friends will stop talking to you if they see what you've written, etc. etc. 

This understanding engenders a lot of mostly worthless discussion precisely because it's so broad. Pedants--usually arguing in favor of banning a certain work or idea--will often argue that speech protections only apply to direct, government bans. These bans, when they exist, are fairly narrow and apply only to those rare speech acts in which other people are put in danger by speech (yelling the N-word in a crowded theater, for example). This pedantry isn't correct even within its own terms, however, because plenty of people get in trouble for making threats. The FBI has an entire entrapment program dedicated to getting mentally ill muslims and rednecks to post stuff like "Death 2 the Super bowl!!" on twitter, arresting them, and the doing a press conference about how they heroically saved the world from terrorism. 

Another, more recent pedant's trend is claiming that, actually, you do have freedom of speech; you just don't have freedom from the consequences of speech. This logic is eerily dictatorial and ignores the entire purpose of speech protections. Like, even in the history's most repressive regimes, people still technically had freedom of speech but not from consequences. Those leftist kids who the nazis beheaded for speaking out against the war were, by this logic, merely being held accountable. 

The two conceptualizations of censorship I described above are, 99% of the time, deployed by people who are arguing in favor of a certain act of censorship but trying to exempt themselves from the moral implications of doing so. Censorship is rad when they get to do it, but they realize such a solipsism seems kinda icky so they need to explain how, actually, they're not censoring anybody, what they're doing is an act of righteous silencing that's a totally different matter. Maybe they associate censorship with groups they don't like, such as nazis or religious zealots. Maybe they have a vague dedication toward Enlightenment principles and don't want to be regarded as incurious dullards. Most typically, they're just afraid of the axe slicing both ways, and they want to make sure that the precedent they're establishing for others will not be applied to themselves.

Anyone who engages with this honestly for more than a few minutes will realize that censorship is much more complicated, especially in regards to its informal and social dimensions. We can all agree that society simply would not function if everyone said whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted. You might think your boss is a moron or your wife's dress doesn't look flattering, but you realize that such tidbits are probably best kept to yourself. 

Again, this is a two-way proposition that everyone is seeking to balance. Do you really want people to verbalize every time they dislike or disagree with you? I sure as hell don't. And so, as part of a social compact, we learn to self-censor. Sometimes this is to the detriment of ourselves and our communities. Most often, however, it's just a price we have to pay in order to keep things from collapsing. 

But as systems, large and small, grow increasingly more insane and untenable, so do the comportment standards of speech. The disconnect between America's reality and the image Americans have of themselves has never been more plainly obvious, and so striving for situational equanimity is no longer good enough. We can't just pretend cops aren't racist and the economy isn't run by venal retards or that the government places any value on the life of its citizens. There's too much evidence that contradicts all that, and the evidence is too omnipresent. There's too many damn internet videos, and only so many of them can be cast as Russian disinformation. So, sadly, we must abandon our old ways of communicating and embrace instead systems that are even more unstable, repressive, and insane than the ones that were previously in place.

Until very, very recently, nuance and big-picture, balanced thinking were considered signs of seriousness, if not intelligence. Such considerations were always exploited by shitheads to obfuscate things that otherwise would have seemed much less ambiguous, yes, but this fact alone does not mitigate the potential value of such an approach to understanding the world--especially since the stuff that's been offered up to replace it is, by every worthwhile metric, even worse.

So let's not pretend I'm Malcolm Gladwell or some similarly slimy asshole seeking to "both sides" a clearcut moral issue. Let's pretend I am me. Flash back to about a year ago, when there was real, widespread, and sustained support for police reform. Remember that? Seems like forever ago, man, but it was just last year... anyhow, now, remember what happened? Direct, issues-focused attempts to reform policing were knocked down. Blotted out. Instead, we were told two things: 1) we had to repeat the slogan ABOLISH THE POLICE, and 2) we had to say it was actually very good and beautiful and nonviolent and valid when rioters burned down poor neighborhoods.

Now, in a relatively healthy discourse, it might have been possible for someone to say something like "while I agree that American policing is heavily violent and racist and requires substantial reforms, I worry that taking such an absolutist point of demanding abolition and cheering on the destruction of city blocks will be a political non-starter." This statement would have been, in retrospect, 100000000% correct. But could you have said it, in any worthwhile manner? If you had said something along those lines, what would the fallout had been? Would you have lost friends? Your job? Would you have suffered something more minor, like getting yelled at, told your opinion did not matter? Would your acquaintances still now--a year later, after their political project has failed beyond all dispute--would they still defame you in "whisper networks," never quite articulating your verbal sins but nonetheless informing others that you are a dangerous and bad person because one time you tried to tell them how utterly fucking self-destructive they were being? It is undeniably clear that last year's most-elevated voices were demanding not reform but catharsis. I hope they really had fun watching those immigrant-owned bodegas burn down, because that’s it, that will forever be remembered as the most palpable and consequential aspect of their shitty, selfish movement. We ain't reforming shit. Instead, we gave everyone who's already in power a blank check to fortify that power to a degree you and I cannot fully fathom.

But, oh, these people knew what they were doing. They were good little boys and girls. They have been rewarded with near-total control of the national discourse, and they are all either too guilt-ridden or too stupid to realize how badly they played into the hands of the structures they were supposedly trying to upend.

And so left-liberalism is now controlled by people whose worldview is equal parts superficial and incoherent. This was the only possible outcome that would have let the system continue to sustain itself in light of such immense evidence of its unsustainability without resulting in reform, so that's what has happened.

But... okay, let's take a step back. Let's focus on what I wanted to talk about when I started this.

I came across a post today from a young man who claimed that his high school English department head had been removed from his position and had his tenure revoked for refusing to remove three books from classrooms. This was, of course, fallout from the ongoing debate about Critical Race Theory. Two of those books were Marjane Satropi's Persepolis and, oh boy, The Diary of Anne Frank. Fuck. Jesus christ, fuck.

Now, here's the thing... When Persepolis was named, I assumed the bannors were anti-CRT. The graphic novel does not deal with racism all that much, at least not as its discussed contemporarily, but it centers an Iranian girl protagonist and maybe that upset Republican types. But Anne Frank? I'm sorry, but the most likely censors there are liberal identiarians who believe that teaching her diary amounts to centering the suffering of a white woman instead of talking about the One Real Racism, which must always be understood in an American context. The super woke cult group Black Hammer made waves recently with their #FuckAnneFrank campaign... you'd be hard pressed to find anyone associated with the GOP taking a firm stance against the diary since, oh, about 1975 or so.

So which side was it? That doesn't matter. What matters is, I cannot find out.

Now, pro-CRT people always accuse anti-CRT people of not knowing what CRT is, and then after making such accusations they always define CRT in a way that absolutely is not what CRT is. Pro-CRTers default to "they don't want  students to read about slavery or racism." This is absolutely not true, and absolutely not what actual CRT concerns itself with. Slavery and racism have been mainstays of American history curriucla since before I was born. Even people who barely paid attention in school would admit this, if there were any more desire for honesty in our discourse. 

My high school history teacher was a southern "lost causer" who took the south's side in the Civil War but nonetheless provided us with the most descriptive and unapologetic understandings of slavery's brutalities I had heard up until that point. He also unambiguously referred to the nuclear attacks on Hiroshmia and Nagasaki as "genocidal." Why? Because most people's politics are idiosyncratic, and because you cannot genuinely infer a person to believe one thing based on their opinion of another, tangentially related thing. The totality of human understanding used to be something open-minded people prided themselves on being aware of, believe it or not...

This is the problem with CRT. This is is the motivation behind the majority of people who wish to ban it. It’s not because they are necessarily racist themselves. It’s because they recognize, correctly, that the now-ascendant frames for understanding social issues boils everything down to a superficial patina that denies not only the realities of the systems they seek to upend but the very humanity of the people who exist within them. There is no humanity without depth and nuance and complexities and contradictions. When you argue otherwise, people will get mad and fight back. 

And this is the most bitter irony of this idiotic debate: it was never about not wanting to teach the sinful or embarrassing parts of our history. That was a different debate, one that was settled and won long ago. It is instead an immense, embarrassing overreach on behalf of people who have bullied their way to complete dominance of their spheres of influence within media and academe assuming they could do the same to everyone else. Some of its purveyors may have convinced themselves that getting students to admit complicity in privilege will prevent police shootings, sure. But I know these people. I’ve spoken to them at length. I’ve read their work. The vast, vast majority of them aren’t that stupid. The point is to exert control. The point is to make sure they stay in charge and that nothing changes. The point is failure. 

[calypsoff2]

Eight. Part 3

TJ keeps laughing at me and the name of the Whiskey, but I can’t help that this shit is bougie “I’m still stuck on Robb being Muslim? Like he cut that bacon shit out and everything? He really changed? Like really changed” nodding my head, I thought I would stay out for a few more “he called me, and he just said I’m sorry, thinking back on it you are my little cousin, you respected me and looked to me and I played on that, I feel like a dickhead, I took advantage of that. You needed money, I should have just gave it. I believe him. I just think it’s wrong of me to not give when I have it; their home they were losing so I was like I’ll sort it, just a few payments here and there. So anyways, forget my shit. How is shit is going on with you? Mel want you?” TJ shrugged “not even sure bro, either I’m playing games, or she is playing games. I don’t even get it anymore, we have sex. Things are good for that but like what the fuck is happening with being together, I feel like she is basing herself on Robyn. Like why won’t she tell her, she won’t speak to her about shit, you know? But yeah, she is moving slow. I still think you married Robyn quick” stretching my body out “wouldn’t you” I retorted “I wouldn’t, she’s a little psycho. I’m sorry bro, she is too much. She got you bad, like anything she says goes, you know? Even now, that shit is your money too hit because Robyn doesn’t like it we have to stop. Why is it you couldn’t tell her? Because she is unreasonable, you ain’t. When we went VA for Camron birthday that time, you didn’t have to help Seiko, I surely wasn’t but you did. That’s because you’re a good guy, these rich girls aren’t it, and if she is a billionaire soon? Good luck” sighing out “she is a good person, she is just strict, on god she is” I get what TJ is saying but that’s my wife, I love her.

TJ and I will end being drunk by the time we are done “what you going to tell her? She is sly for that, I bet she is going to search more than the accounts now, she is going to be on your ass. You know what women are like, now because you made that mistake she will pick on that, she will want to find out what Black Pyramid is doing for you to do that, don’t you ever think I could just do better?” That is a big question, I blew out air “not exactly, bro. She gives me good sex” he snorted laughing “you always say that shit, Mel is the same. She is wild, I think it’s a Caribbean thing. They really be giving that good good, she is doing everything” my eyes widened “everything?” I repeated “everything, I’m talking about every hole” I laughed “damn, that was quick. I think Mel gives it easy on a real. She falls quick, you know what I mean?” Looking over at him “don’t be talking on Mel like that; but I get it. She came into my DMs but yeah, so we taking bets? Your wife will be gone by the new year?” Holding my hand out, we shook on it “bet” I know she will be “you ever thought of cheating? Because if she wasn’t so busy she would be around, you could cheat and she wouldn’t know” shaking my head “nah, Robyn’ good in the bed. She is too good; I love my twin too much. No matter how much she pisses me off, or how much she just does the most. That’s my twin, I love her. But I am more giving then she is, Robyn would always say no. Cheating is just off the board, cheating means I was unhappy which I am not that, just annoyed” I shrugged, I couldn’t do that ever in my life. I am crazy for her, also my girls. It’s not worth losing my home for some pussy, isn’t worth it at all “imagine if you didn’t meet Rihanna again? Imagine it, on a real. Imagine if you didn’t go and meet her?” I cringed “probably be on sonnumber three” I laughed “Seiko wanted kids and shit was smooth, it was, and I can’t lie but I wasn’t fulfilled. I had to know if twin still knew me but if we bring real, if it wasn’t Robyn then I wouldn’t be rich like this, I think I am becoming accustomed to being her husband, fuck it” I shrugged “this is why she has your balls” I laughed shrugging.

I’m too far now, I’m going to have to leave my car here. I can’t be driving now, but I guess I get to just carry on. I’m on cocktails now which isn’t any better, but I missed my nigga “you met her ex right?” TJ asked, “Which one?” I questioned, he hit my arm and laughed out “Rakim? What else? I don’t know about the rest” letting out an oh “yeah, yeah I did. You know that, shit was wild though, like she be on this vibe where she was so excited about designing his suit. So we went to New York, arrived there together. I wasn’t going to let my wife go there alone now, I didn’t know what I was going to expect but she kept saying we are friends, and I am so exited and whatever the fuck she on. So it’s me and her entourage, you know her team like to be there” rolling my eyes “so we arrived at the joint, I walked in behind Robyn and Rakim was there and I am like this nigga is tiny” I laughed “but he erm came up to Robyn and she did, she hugged him and they genuinely was happy to see each other but the vibe wasn’t off, like when I see Seiko she be on it” I laughed “she always asking if I want her back but with them it was good vibes and I was awkward, I was stood there like this is weird. That is her ex, you know so I just stood there and then he came up to me, he dapped me and said nice meeting you, I am Rakim, and it was all good. But I see the vibe, I see why they vibed together on a real. Rakim said it to me, he goes she is a friend, and I don’t want to lose that, she is a good woman” I shrugged “but you two are friends too? Maybe that is the same for y’all” I chuckled “you think? Robyn is like every woman, what can I say” shaking my head laughing “but I just got to pay the money back, just keep Robyn out of it, I will sort it” I need to just fix it and then move on, Robyn doesn’t need to know.

I had to leave the car at the lounge place, I had to get the SUV to pick us up and now we are back at the house, and I am here trying to get into my house “I think your wife has locked you out for stealing money, housewife. You a housewife” I laughed out knocking on the door again “you mean househusband, the fuck is a wife. I don’t know what that is” the door opened “oh, Monica” let me straighten myself up “you are being so loud, it is late” now I am in trouble, I feel bad “sorry” I breathed out, she is not happy “mommy I got it” hearing Robyn say, she is going to tell me I am a mess. Looking at TJ and he just looked at me as I moved back from the door “well you took your time” she is going to be on my ass “what time is it?” I haven’t noticed “it’s two” turning to Robyn “I’m home” I smiled “I can see that” is she going to let me in or not, I don’t get it “you looking sexy though, baby making time?” Robyn scoffed “just get in, don’t make too much noise. The kids are asleep” looking at TJ “I can go home but I will leave Camron here” nodding my head “you about to be sleeping on the floor” he could be right actually.

I am asking why I bother, I asked him to tell his stupid friend to give the money back and they come back drunk, I can’t fucking win with this man. On top of that I had Camron here, but he fell asleep on the couch, I am just stood here watching because I need to make sure the home is locked up, he is a mess, so I have to make sure “bye” Chris said as he made his way in, he closed the door behind him. I say made his way but stumbled inside, I guess TJ is leaving his seed here “let me lock up” walking by Chris, he texts me to tell me that he is drunk and then he needs an SUV, I wanted to say go away but I rather he be home, I want him to be safe with me “so am I allowed to sleep in bed with you or what?” locking the door, I groaned out “I would like to say no but we have three girls that are so clever. They will assume why, they know and pick up on things” turning around “you looking really sexy” he is a damn lie, I have a damn bonnet on, I am in a robe with no makeup on “whatever, I am going to sleep thank you for waking me” walking up the steps “I am sorry Robyn, I promise you it will be fixed” I am sure a lot of things got fixed in a drunken state, I just feel angered and hurt by him. I am just going to have to deal with TJ, keep it to myself because I rather he has his friend then me telling him something that will hurt him.

I am just so pissed that he came back home drunk, he didn’t need to do that but because I ask him to do something he does this, he ain’t shit and I will remain on this. I feel like for our anniversary we just go back to Jamaica, but I am in that mood to just cancel it but we need that break away from the kids too and together, probably get some more shit out of him “Chris, seriously” he banged the door shut “I know, sshhh. Kids are asleep” he is telling me that “just stay away from me, I am trying to sleep” taking my robe off “trying, can you go to sleep after you let me give you some dick? I have been drinking and I am feeling horny, come on. It’s been a while” staring at him, he is a mess “whatever, just go to sleep. I won’t be giving you no sex, my ass” Chris sniggered “that is what I want, your ass on a platter. Can I just you know, put the tip. Can jerk me off with your feet?” getting into bed “oh my god!” he spat, he is saying oh my god, but he is the one with his dick in his hand. What is wrong with him “you are terrible, just go to sleep. I am not in the mood for sex” the bedroom door slowly opened, Chris placed his hand over his dick and tried to run but he fell on the floor “mommy I can’t sleep” I breathed out, of course she can’t “ok Imani, just go back to your room. Don’t look now” getting out of bed “get off the floor, Imani. Out, don’t look at your dad” making my way over to her “daddy naked mommy” pushing her out of the room “I will sleep with you tonight” he can have the bedroom.

Imani was a better sleeping partner, least I wasn’t harassed for sex “oh my god, mom!?” looking behind me “we have been looking for you all over, we went into your bedroom and everywhere. What happened?” Rylee and Tianna both made her way into the bedroom “just that Imani couldn’t sleep, I am here though. And girls please, I want you to knock when you go to the room, if you don’t hear an answer then don’t go in. When daddy is home don’t walk in, just knock” I have no idea if Chris got into bed, I hope he did “ok but we got worried” these girls “don’t be worried, what was dad doing?” I asked “he was asleep in bed” thank god “ok, well I am coming down” moving up from the bed “can we play on the mobile? Just games please” Chris banned that “you have to ask daddy, he said no, and I he isn’t here to agree on it, so we wait” I am saying that so he can say no to them, I rather he be in the bad books “mom can we get our nails done?” Tianna asked, too many questions “erm, yeah. Actually yeah, we can that is fine. It’s Christmas” I stifled out a yawn “go down” they got me out of the bed now.

I didn’t honestly want Camron here, but he is here, I couldn’t say no when his father dropped him off, but his father is here. Thank heavens, they can leave now. I just told my mother in law to deal with it, just so I don’t have to speak to TJ, I have nothing to say to him “is Chris awake?” closing the fridge door, he would come and ask, “what you think?” making my way over to the counter “seeing as we are going to be civil you need to have some respect at least” I laughed “for who and what? We can be civil but you in my home, I can be as I please nigga” he in my home and telling me about being civil “this is why I honestly understand why Chris says your hard work, I mean, the fuck?” placing my hands on the counter “you and I both know if I told Chris what you was like with me he would have you out, so I do suggest you leave me be, you take your seed and go. I guess you got your disclaimer, I expect the lawyer fees to be back in my account, to the dime” TJ looked at me confused “what lawyer fees?” he said confused “the only reason you got that boy was me, clearly my husband didn’t say that. I want my money back, including that stupid saving shit” TJ sniggered “aight, whatever Fenty. Your attitude will make you lose Chris, they all say you deserve better but no, he does, but I am out. I will take a drink for the road” I would like to throw the drink at his head but I am better then that “I can’t wait for your friendship to die, dickhead” TJ laughed “I think you friendships will die first” he winked at me “the lingerie picture on Savage is real cute, nice” he is an asshole, I can’t even deal.

[queenofthefallenangels]

Think Twice Part 12

“I am going to make sure you never even think of touching my girl ever again. I am going to make sure you wish you never even met her.”

Seth Rollins X OC X Jon Moxley/ Dean Ambrose 

Rated: M

No warnings I think

Tag Team: @sithstatlander @xladyxfatex @awkward-teenaged-girl@steadysuitcasepurseranch @themansbliss@katelynirwinhemmingsclifordhood@strwbrryshrtckexo @bluedragonfly678 @luleelurah @mohawkmama @foreverthenerdprincess @aujenaeblaze @missnena2194 @suicidepanda07 @kelseyann2002 @princessminjikwon @nerdgirlsblog @multi-stan-kpop @REDZ0MBIE @thebornalpha @acon1120 @jonsmoxley @dayasvalkyrie @goddessofhardrock @1dluver13xx @vampirepixi @dietwrestling @ASKTVHEAD @moxslilangel2020 @chynagirl13 @new-zealand-chic @hotyeehawman @lavandernightmares 

A/N: I am such a horrible person and have been forgetting to update tags. Sorry, If you were waiting :(. I also should hopefully either tomorrow or Wednesday have some Mox smut out ;) And another Negan, sorry lol not sorry. 

Aria 

“You want to explain to me why I saw Jon leaving the apartment,” Alexa asked as we sat down at the table. She raised an eyebrow at me, a small smirk across her lips. 

I shrugged, blushing, “I told you I was going to talk to him.” “Yeah, on his lunch break. I got off early, but I didn’t get off that early.” 

“How did you get off early?” I asked her.

“Don’t change the subject, but I got off early to go check on you. Our boss was worried about you. She knew things had been rough.” 

I groaned softly. I lived in a city that seemed like it would be big, but sometimes it felt the same as a small town. Everyone knew each other's business and wasn’t scared to insert themselves. She must have known that Seth and I broke up again. “I am fine.” 

“Clearly after I saw Jon leaving the house. I was really worried about you going back to Seth.”  

“Why would you be worried about that?” I asked her, raising an eyebrow. 

“Girl,  when you told me that you had slept with Seth again, I thought I was going to die right there. I was for sure you would pick him again and never talk to Jon. You know, I haven’t ever seen you have feelings for anyone else.” She paused. “Besides Dean.” My heart stopped at the mention of his name. My memories of him are still fuzzy. The doctors said that is normal with memory loss. I had regained most of my memory back, but parts still fuzzed here and there. Dean was one of the big things that fuzzed. All I knew is what others had told me about him and why he wasn’t around anymore. “I don’t want to talk about him,” I said as I started to eat the food that had been brought out. 

“You never do. How are you going to remember him if you never talk about him?” Alexa sighed. 

“He doesn’t want me to remember him. He is probably getting plenty of girls wherever he went.” 

“That’s what Seth wants you to think. He told you lies so you wouldn’t go looking for those memories. If you don’t remember what a great guy he was to you, then you won’t remember that you can have better. If it wasn’t for me, Seth might have left out all the cheating too.”

Tears filled my eyes, “I know. I remember little things. Like, when Jon called me a kitten for the first time. I remembered that used to be Dean’s pet name for me. Only me, he would say.” I shook my head. “Someone else is probably his kitten. He is better off where he is. Wherever he is.” 

“He loved you, Aria. He thought he was doing what was best for leaving.” 

“Right after my dad died! I needed him the most. He didn’t even come to the hospital after that car hit me, Alexa. How does that sound like someone who loves them?” 

“Aria,” Alexa started, but I wasn’t having it. I didn’t want to listen to any more of this. I got up from my spot at the table and handed her a twenty. 

“Just take it,” I said before leaving. 

---

As I walked out of the restaurant, my phone started to buzz. I groaned as I looked at the caller ID. “You are seriously the last person I want to talk to right now.” I said into the phone. I heard movement behind me. I quickly whirled around. “And tell your goons to stop following me.” 

“Aria, I need to talk to you. You have been ignoring my calls and texts all week. I had to make sure that you were okay.” Seth sighed into the phone causing me to roll my eyes. What made him care all of a sudden? 

“So you send people to stalk me if you are so worried.” I snapped.  “Because I told you I needed a break.” I rubbed my face. I was already mad at Alexa for bringing up Dean when I told her I didn’t want to speak about him. I knew there was a reason that Seth didn’t want me to remember him, but maybe it was better I didn’t. 

“And I asked you, why you needed a break and you never told me why. You know I worry about you.” 

“Because,” I sighed. “I think you know why. Come on, Seth, you have people always watching me.” 

“Maybe I stopped them to give you some space as you asked. I am not all bad like you seem to think. I just want to know why we have sex one minute and the next you are pulling away from me? What’s going on, Aria? This isn’t like you. We always fight and then makeup. That was supposed to be the make-up part.  

“So that’s what you listen to. Maybe sex was the reason why. Maybe I realized I am sick of all this stupid back and forth we keep doing. If I took you back, would you even be faithful or would you just go back to your old ways?” I yelled into the phone. I paused taking a deep breath. “Just stop your goons from following me. I wanted a complete break from you.” I shook my head as I hung up the phone only to have him call me back. I turned my phone on silent as I walked back to my apartment. The restaurant wasn’t far from there. Once I got home, I sat down on the couch looking at my phone. I had tons of missed calls and texts from Seth. I rolled my eyes. I almost missed the one from Jon. 

Jon: Hey, sorry I had to catch up on a few things at work. I was wondering if you wanted to hang out tonight. 

Aria: Of course. Where? 

 Jon

“You have to tell her the truth,” Alexa said into the phone. She had called about Aria’s recent outburst. 

“You and I both know how that’s going to go down. I can’t do that. You just told me how she felt about how about...well, me. I don’t think telling her after I just slept with her twice is a good idea. She isn’t going to like any of us. Plus, if she doesn’t run to Seth, who knows what will happen to her. Even if she does run to Seth, we are fucking screwed, because she won’t trust us.” “Did you ever plan on telling her the truth about who you were?”

“I honestly didn’t plan for any of this to happen,” I said running fingers through my hair as I began to pace. “To be honest, I really didn’t think it would get this far. I figured we could regain a friendship, but never ever did I think I would end up fucking her!” 

“Calm yourself and figure out how you are going to tell her the truth.” 

I sighed while hanging up the phone. How could I tell her the truth? It would kill her. She was better off never knowing the truth about who I was. I rubbed the back of my neck as I sent her a couple of texts.  

Jon: Okay, I will meet you outside your apartment and we can go chill at my place. 

Aria: Sounds good. I will go get ready now. :)

I groaned. Now, I had to figure out how to tell her. I walked towards my house. There was no way I could do this. She would hate me forever if she knew that I had lied to her and slept with her. It will look like that’s all I was using her for. When that wasn’t the truth. If that would have been the truth, I would have tried harder when I was still Dean not when I was just  Jon. 

I rummaged through a few things trying to find something. I had it. She wouldn’t believe me off the bat. She would probably think this is some sick joke or something. I had a picture of her that I had taken one day. One day when it was easier. 

--

“Stop, Dean.” She giggled as she tried to take the camera away from me. I pulled it back. 

“Just one picture. Come on you look great tonight.” I told her as I pointed the camera at her again. Aria wore a tight red dress that hugged her curves with her long blonde hair flowing down her back. Her hair curled at the ends.  I took the picture. She posed for a second before giggling. I caught it just at the right time. She was in between giggling and posing. I could see the light in her eye even in the old polaroid. 

“Where did you even find that thing? It has to be as old as you.” She teased. 

“It was my mom’s. I think it’s actually younger than me. She must have bought it not too long before she..” my speech drifted off. The camera was one of the last few things that I had left of her. When I was traveling from foster home to foster home than group home to group home, things got lost or stolen. Sometimes even the family you would stay with would take things. I was with a strict Catholic family for a bit and they were the worst about taking things if it didn’t fit into their religion. A Muslim girl I was with lost all her belongings when she stayed with her. They burned anything that was part of her religion because to them it was evil. I felt so bad for the poor girl. 

“Do you have any pictures that your mom took with that before she?” Aria asked. I could tell she was being cautious about how she asked things. 

I nodded. “Yeah, a couple from Christmas that year. I think that was the year that she got it. It must have been a present from my father or something.” 

She nodded smiling, “Come on, let’s take a picture together.” A smile grew across my lips and I nodded handing the camera to her. She wrapped her arm around me and did something I never would have thought she would do. She kissed my cheek gently. It took me off guard when she did it. Her lips were soft and gentle against my stubble on my cheek. It had to be rough across her lips. I never thought I would feel something like this. She created a warmth that was inside my soul. Something I thought that had died long ago when I lost my mother in a car accident.  

“Aria,” called Seth. His voice sounded harsh. “We are going to ber late what the hell do you think that you are doing?” Charles must have been breathing down his throat because Seth never sounded this rude with her. Or was there something I didn’t know? The way she flinched and handed me back the camera told me as much as I needed to know. I wished I didn’t have to know what went on between them. 

“Sorry, Seth.” She said as she fixed her dress running towards him. I sighed as I watched her run up to him and give him the same peck on the cheek. He wiped it away as soon as her lips left his cheek. I could see him saying something before pulling her away. 

--

I looked back down at the picture in my hand from that night. There was a couple more mixed in together. As I looked at more, something fell out from between them. It was a letter. The letter I had meant to give Aria. Just like I didn’t have the balls to tell her the truth about who I was. I didn’t know what it was about Aria, but she had my heart in one hand and my balls in the other. I was never nervous like this with anyone else, but her. I wish I knew what she had done to me. 

I walked towards her apartment still trying to figure out how I was going to say this. Alexa kept texting me telling me that its time to do this. It needs to be done. I never thought this was something that was ever going to need to be done. I don’t think she thought so either, but now it was the time apparently. I didn’t think so, but she was sure that it was. 

I sighed as I ringed her apartment. She answered it by coming down, a smile on her face. Her hair was pulled back into a high ponytail. She wore just a normal tee shirt and jean shorts with flip flops. Even in casual wear, she looked amazing. I held out my hand, “Shall we?” I asked.

She took my hand, “We shall.” Her smile was brighter when my hand touched hers. I could feel the electricity between us as soon as our hands meet. This only made it harder to tell her the truth.

[kkintle]

Looking for Alaska by John Green; Quotes

“Francois Rabelais. He was this poet. And his last words were 'I go to seek a Great Perhaps.' That's why I'm going. So I don't have to wait until I die to start seeking a Great Perhaps.”

Because you simply cannot draw these things out forever. At some point, you just pull off the Band-Aid and it hurts, but then it's over and you're relieved.

“'He'—that's Simon Bolivar—*was shaken by the overwhelming revelation that the headlong race between his misfortunes and his dreams was at that moment reaching the finish line. The rest was darkness. ”Damn it,“ he sighed. ”How will I ever get out of thislabyrinth!'“”

She had the kind of eyes that predisposed you to supporting her every endeavor.

Because you may be smart, but I've been smart longer.

(...) the most important pursuit in history: the search for meaning. What is the nature of being a person? What is the best way to go about being a person? How did we come to be, and what will become of us when we are no longer? In short: What are the rules of this game, and how might we best play it?"

I learned that myth doesn't mean a lie; it means a traditional story that tells you something about people and their worldview and what they hold sacred.

She smiled with all the delight of a kid on Christmas morning and said, “Y'all smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die.”

(...) and I jogged after him, trailing in his wake. I wanted to be one of those people who have streaks to maintain, who scorch the ground with their intensity. But for now, at least I knew such people, and they needed me, just like comets need tails.

“You've got a lifetime to mull over the Buddhist understanding of interconnectedness.” He spoke every sentence as if he'd written it down, memorized it, and was now reciting it. “But while you were looking out the window, you missed the chance to explore the equally interesting Buddhist belief in being present for every facet of your daily life, of being truly present. Be present in this class. And then, when it's over, be present out there,” he said, nodding toward the lake and beyond.

“I may die young,” she said. “But at least I'll die smart. Now, back to tangents.”

“Getting out isn't that easy,” she said seriously, her eyes on mine like I knew the way out and wouldn't tell her.

“Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia.” “Huh?” I asked. “You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present.”

“Sometimes I don't get you,” I said. She didn't even glance at me. She just smiled toward the television and said, “You never get me. That's the whole point.”

“He loves me,” Alaska told me as we walked back to the dorm circle. “He loves all y'all, too. He just loves the school more. That's the thing. He thinks busting us is good for the school and good for us. It's the eternal struggle, Pudge. The Good versus the Naughty.”

“Sometimes you lose a battle. But mischief always wins the war.”

“So Friday? Do you have plans for Friday?” And then I laughed, because the Colonel and I didn't have plans for this Friday, or for any other Friday for the rest of our lives.

And I vaguely remember Lara smiling at me from the doorway, the glittering ambiguity of a girl's smile, which seems to promise an answer to the question but never gives it. The question, the one we've all been asking since girls stopped being gross, the question that is too simple to be uncomplicated: Does she like me or like me?

“It is sad,” I repeated. “I mean, it's stupid to miss someone you didn't even get along with. But, I don't know, it was nice, you know, having someone you could always fight with.”

“Sorry. Don't worry, dude,” he said. “God will punish the wicked. And before He does, we will.”

“Hold on.” He grabbed a pencil and scrawled excitedly at the paper as if he'd just made a mathematical breakthrough and then looked back up at me. “I just did some calculations, and I've been able to determine that you're full of shit.”

“It's not life or death, the labyrinth.” “Urn, okay. So what is it?” “Suffering,” she said. “Doing wrong and having wrong things happen to you. That's the problem. Bolivar was talking about the pain, not about the living or dying. How do you get out of the labyrinth of suffering?” “What's wrong?” I asked. And I felt the absence of her hand on me. “Nothing's wrong. But there's always suffering, Pudge. Homework or malaria or having a boyfriend who lives far away when there's a good-looking boy lying next to you. Suffering is universal. It's the one thing Buddhists, Christians, and Muslims are all worried about.”

“You shall love your crooked neighbour/ With your crooked heart,”

I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane.

“Night falls fast. Today is in the past,”

Alaska decided to go help Dolores with dinner. She said that it was sexist to leave the cooking to the women, but better to have good sexist food than crappy boy-prepared food.

“Don't you know who you love, Pudge? You love the girl who makes you laugh and shows you porn and drinks wine with you. You don't love the crazy, sullen bitch.” And there was something to that, truth be told.

People, I thought, wanted security. They couldn't bear the idea of death being a big black nothing, couldn't bear the thought of their loved ones not existing, and couldn't even imagine themselves not existing. I finally decided that people believed in an afterlife because they couldn't bear not to.

The Great Perhaps was upon us, and we were invincible. The plan may have had faults, but we did not.

“Prick us, we bleed. Prick him, he pops.”

I don't know. Like the way the sun is right now, with the long shadows and that kind of bright, soft light you get when the sun isn't quite setting? That's the light that makes everything better, everything prettier, and today, everything just seemed to be in that light.

I found myself thinking about President William McKinley, the third American president to be assassinated. He lived for several days after he was shot, and toward the end, his wife started crying and screaming, “I want to go, too! I want to go, too!” And with his last measure of strength, McKinley turned to her and spoke his last words: “We are all going.”

There comes a time when we realize that our parents cannot save themselves or save us, that everyone who wades through time eventually gets dragged out to sea by the undertow—that, in short, we are all going.

“Pudge, what you must understand about me is that I ama deeply unhappy person.”

“But a lot of times, people die how they live. And so last words tell me a lot about who people were, and why they became the sort of people biographies get written about. Does that make sense?”

And what is an “instant” death anyway? How long is an instant? Is it one second? Ten? The pain of those seconds must have been awful as her heart burst and her lungs collapsed and there was no air and no blood to her brain and only raw panic. What the hell is instant? Nothing is instant. Instant rice takes five minutes, instant pudding an hour. I doubt that an instant of blinding pain feels particularly instantaneous.

Straight & Fast.

How will we ever get out of this labyrinth of suffering?—A. Y.

“Because everybody who has ever lost their way in life has felt the nagging insistence of that question. At some point we all look up and realize we are lost in a maze, (...)

I wondered if there would ever be a day when I didn't think about Alaska, wondered whether I should hope for a time when she would be a distant memory—recalled only on the anniversary of her death, or maybe a couple of weeks after, remembering only after having forgotten. I knew that I would know more dead people. The bodies pile up. Could there be a space in my memory for each of them, or would I forget a little of Alaska every day for the rest of my life?

“You can't just make me different and then leave,” I said out loud to her. “Because I was fine before, Alaska. I was fine with just me and last words and school friends, and you can't just make me different and then die.” For she had embodied the Great Perhaps—she had proved to me that it was worth it to leave behind my minor life for grander maybes, and now she was gone and with her my faith in perhaps. I could call everything the Colonel said and did “fine.” I could try to pretend that I didn't care anymore, but it could never be true again. You can't just make yourself matter and then die, Alaska, because now I am irretrievably different, and I'm sorry I let you go, yes, but you made the choice. You left me Perhapsless, stuck in your goddamned labyrinth. And now I don't even know if you chose the straight and fast way out, if you left me like this on purpose. And so I never knew you, did I? I can't remember, because I never knew.

The times that were the most fun seemed always to be followed by sadness now, because it was when life started to feel like it did when she was with us that we realized how utterly, totally gone she was.

'Everything that comes together falls apart,'” the Old Man said. "Everything. The chair I'm sitting on. It was built, and so it will fall apart. I'm gonna fall apart, probably before this chair. And you're gonna fall apart. The cells and organs and systems that make you you—they came together, grew together, and so must fall apart. The Buddha knew one thing science didn't prove for millennia after his death: Entropy increases. Things fall apart."

We are all going, I thought, and it applies to turtles and turtlenecks, Alaska the girl and Alaska the place, because nothing can last, not even the earth itself. The Buddha said that suffering was caused by desire, we'd learned, and that the cessation of desire meant the cessation of suffering. When you stopped wishing things wouldn't fall apart, you'd stop suffering when they did.

The hardest part about pranking, Alaska told me once, is not being able to confess.

I'd finally had enough of chasing after a ghost who did not want to be discovered. We'd failed, maybe, but some mysteries aren't meant to be solved. I still did not know her as I wanted to, but I never could.

Did I help you toward a fate you didn't want, Alaska, or did I just assist in your willful self-destruction? Because they are different crimes, and I didn't know whether to feel angry at her for making me part of her suicide or just to feel angry at myself for letting her go.

“After all this time, it still seems to me like straight and fast is the only way out—but I choose the labyrinth. The labyrinth blows, but I choose it.”

(...) we had to forgive to survive in the labyrinth. There were so many of us who would have to live with things done and things left undone that day. Things that did not go right, things that seemed okay at the time because we could not see the future. If only we could see the endless string of consequences that result from our smallest actions. But we can't know better until knowing better is useless.

I still think that, sometimes, think that maybe “the afterlife” is just something we made up to ease the pain of loss, to make our time in the labyrinth bearable. Maybe she was just matter, and matter gets recycled.

But ultimately I do not believe that she was only matter. The rest of her must be recycled, too. I believe now that we are greater than the sum of our parts. If you take Alaska's genetic code and you add her life experiences and the relationships she had with people, and then you take the size and shape of her body, you do not get her. There is something else entirely. There is a part of her greater than the sum of her knowable parts. And that part has to go somewhere, because it cannot be destroyed.

Those awful things are survivable, because we are as indestructible as we believe ourselves to be. When adults say, “Teenagers think they are invincible” with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don't know how right they are. We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. We think that we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born, and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail.

So I know she forgives me, just as I forgive her. Thomas Edison's last words were: “It's very beautiful over there.” I don't know where there is, but I believe it's somewhere, and I hope it's beautiful.

Most loves don't last. (Whitney sure didn't. I can't even remember her last name.) But some do.

Almost by definition, last words are difficult to verify. Witnesses are emotional, time gets conflated, and the speaker isn't around to clear up any controversy.

I was born into Bolivar's labyrinth, and so I must believe in the hope of Rabelais' Great Perhaps.

[lovevalley45]

flarrowverse shipyard femslash week 2020 - day 3

Day 3 - Everyone is LGBTQI+ (ex: trans women, ace/aro chars) | Royalty AU - @flarrowverse-shipyard

Ava did not foresee her week turning out like this.

She had expected an average week of serving as a chaperone/guard to the visiting princess of Khandaq, Zari Tarazi. It was supposed to be simple - escort her to a dinner here, stand behind her and look intimidating there.

A grand escape from an attempted assassination was not on the itinerary.

It’d been a few hours since they’d fled the event, but now her situation was almost worse. In the passenger seat beside her, Her Royal Pain In The Ass seemed a little less concerned than most would be when escaping an assassin. Ava had made her ditch the phone, which she had complained about. Then, there’d been nothing good on the radio, which she had also complained about.

The current topic of discussion was dinner. Or, specifically, attempting to find a good place for dinner.

“We’re on the road, Your Highness, there’s nowhere good to eat,” Ava joked, gripping the steering wheel a little too firmly.

“If I had my phone-” Zari said, “-I could use Yelp.”

“Your phone could lead them right to us. I’m trying to keep you alive here,” she replied. If her exhaustion bled through her tone, it was right enough. Her brain had been on overdrive, figuring out the best course of action, how they were going to survive until they made it Seattle, where she was going to get her hormones. Because of course she hadn’t had time to swing by her place and get them, and that was a definite way-

Ava forced her brain to shut up.

They passed by a billboard for some diner chain that she didn’t immediately recognize, but she asked, “How about that place? It’s a few miles away.”

“It’s better than starving,” Zari said with a shrug.

Her hands were probably red with that tiny extra bit of force exerted. “Good enough for me.”

The diner patrons didn’t seem to notice anything odd about them when they sat down. They were far enough from DC that they were safe, probably safe. The two of them had changed their clothes before embarking - Zari forced into a flannel and jeans, and Ava swapping her suit for a turtleneck and plaid pants. The princess took off the gift shop sunglasses with a grimace, tucking them into the pocket of her flannel.

“Well, I guess I wanted to experience American culture in its fullness,” she remarked.

“Yeah, it’s a little more Coming to America than we’d planned,” Ava muttered. 

Zari gave her a confused look before opening up the menu. “Whatever.” 

Yeah, she’d had too many movie nights with Nate as of late. She made a mental note to give him a ring on the payphone outside the restaurant before they left - it was a good thing some places still thought they were essential. Or that she had a very good memory.

Ava glanced at her own menu. Standard diner affair, though they did have one of those trendy plant-alternative burgers on the menu. That reminded her of something else.

“You’re Muslim, right?” she asked, feeling stupid as the question left her mouth.

“Yes, Agent Sharpe, so glad you remembered,” Zari said, only looking up to give her a look that made feel as stupid.

“Right. So… no pork, no alcohol, and… this isn’t exactly a place that serves halal meat, is it?” They’d briefed her a little bit, but it had been a hectic few hours. Nothing like having to flee to get you mixed up.

“No,” she said, glancing around the dinner. “I feel like I will be eating a lot of salads until I get home.”

Ava nodded. “Right,” she repeated to herself.

A waitress came around, grinning widely. “Good evening, folks. I’m Judy, how are you two doin’ tonight?”

“I’ve had better days,” Zari said, putting her menu down. A tiny bit of her regal roots slipped out - head held high, sitting up straighter than she had for the entire drive so far. Ava wondered if it was second nature for her to put on that princess act - perfect posture, nose in the air, all prissy. 

“That’s too bad to hear.” Judy took out her pad of paper. “Can I get you anything to drink?”

“I’ll have a coffee, please,” Ava told her. Hopefully, they would be able to stop for the night, but right now she needed to stay awake. 

“Just a water. With lemon, if you have it,” Zari added. 

“I’ll check to see if we have any.” Judy clicked her pen shut after she finished writing. “Have that out in a jiffy.”

As soon as she left, Zari relaxed again with a sigh. She turned to Ava, drumming her fingers on her menu. The remnants of her gold eye makeup made her brown eyes seem even bigger. 

“What?” she asked.

Ava cleared her throat. “Nothing, uh. What do you think you’re going to get?”

She glanced down at the menu. “You’ll laugh, but-” With a smile, Zari answered, “French toast.”

It certainly had been the last thing she was expecting, but Ava smiled back. “I never thought you’d have a sweet tooth.”

“Surprise.” She paused, looking down at the menu. “I promised my brother that I’d try to find the best French Toast in DC for him. Never got to try any before, you know, I nearly got murdered.” 

With a sigh, she reached across to take her hand. “Look, Z.” She hadn’t used her nickname since they’d first embarked, when she told her that calling her Z would be less suspicious. Nicknames weren’t her thing but it felt like the time. “We’ll get you home. And, maybe, try all the best places to get French Toast on the way.”

Zari turned over her hand to squeeze hers. Her hands were soft and smooth, except for the few calluses on the tips of her fingers. “At least there’s one perk to this whole driving around the country thing.”

Ava opened her mouth to respond, but what interrupted by Judy coming back around. She freed her hand a little too quickly, clearing her throat again.

“Sorry to interrupt. Here’s your coffee -” She set a white mug in front of her. “-And your water, we did actually have some lemon.” Judy put down a glass of water with a slice of lemon on the rim. “Are you two ready to order?”

They glanced at each other, before Zari smiled and turned to their waitress. “Just a moment, thanks.”

As Ava grabbed the sugar, she looked back at Zari. Although the circumstances weren’t great, this was a little better than going to boring dinners and playing bodyguard.

“Ugh, they didn’t even give me ice.”

Just a little.

[saltyslack-toast]

#Knock The Book 2: The Devil All the Time

WELL, I MADE IT TO THE 2nd BOOK REVIEW OF MINE, MEANS THAT I’M A PASSIONATE AND PERSISTENT BITCH, PERIODT. No actually I’m just bored and got really nothing to do, so here I am making judgmental, invalid and uncritical book review just to ease my guilt for doing nothing at home (just so my mom see me working through my laptop).

Okay The Devil All the Time is actually my first English book. The story of how I got this book as a matter of fact is quite irritating and funny at the same time. My uni friend, she saw this book in a modest book bazaar near her hometown. She was reading the title and the word ‘devil’ just remind her of me, she bought it and just gave it straight to me…... I’m sad but like thankful???

It’s a secondhand and hardcover book but I don’t really mind, considering the fact that the quality is still very nice though, except the worn spots stained all over the cover that make the book looks very old. My friend bought this only for RP 25.000, yes dude you’re not misread this shit, it was THAT CHEAP (whoever sell and own this book before me, I really appreciate it). Although if you want to buy the new one, you can get this book for USD 26.95 which converted in rupiah would be RP 407.500, yeah its cost pretty fancy for broke students like us and I don’t know if the book’s supposed to be available in your local bookstore but I think you can find it in worldwide shipping online store like amazon or any other shop perhaps. The book’s cover illustrate a dying white mutt hanging on the ‘log’ and bunch of cross everywhere, the cover is actually make sense when you read the book. It published in 2011 by doubleday in United States of America. The Author is Donald Ray Pollock, and you can find the sum information about his background written on the cover, but based form the book’s cover you can also check his website in donaldraypollock.com but when I checked, I’m not sure if it’s really his website since it just like pest control website (LMAOO I HAD NO IDEA FR). Anyway,

Let’s go breaking down the book!

“… Too much religion could be as bad as too little, maybe even worse, but moderation was just not in her husband’s nature”

The whole story in this book, basically give you portraits regarding the life of lunatics in the time after WWII. Nope, there is no sums up about the events happened in that moment so chill y’all non-historical enthusiast bitches. This book gonna give you a bizarre experience reading it, the first 10 pages of this book was already psychedelic, I assure that shit. Have you watched Games of Thrones series on HBO? It’s chilling right how Ned Stark, the protagonist of the main series died in the first season???? EXACTLY that was the vibes u got after reading the first chapter and get crazier every time u read forward. By the way, this book embodied 7 chapters and 55 sub-chapters, the chapter in odd and even numbers has 2 different main focuses on each characteristic exist, here I sum it up for you:

On the odd numbers chapters (1, 3, and so on), the central story of these chapters is circling among the family of Willard Russel, his Mom Emma and Uncle Earskell and also those 2 insane peeps Roy Laferty and Theodore. Willard Russel used to be a navy army and a bit skeptical dealing with religion issues just like his uncle, but his mom has always been a devoted worshiper. Willard married to the beautiful and kind-hearted women named Charlotte and they was given a son named Arvin Eugene Russel, everything was normal until Charlotte got sick and Willard gone crazy praying to god for his wife’s recovery and poor little Arvin has to suffer the predicament by his own self. Their stories always give me religious-fanaticism-gloomy vibes (is that even make sense??). Don’t even get me started with the life stories of the two brutes-ass man, Roy Laferty and Theodore they were used to be ‘preacher’ in Emma and young Willard’s Church. Nothing I could say further because it’s gonna be a major spoiler for you, but their stories really giving you insights of how frustration and fanaticism allow people to do something beyond their common sense.

“You remember what I told you the other day?” He asked Arvin

“About the boys on the bus?,”

“Well, that’s what I meant, you just got to pick the right time”

On the even numbers chapters (2, 4, and so on), the main tales is pertaining on the journey of Handerson couple, Carl and Sandy. They were like the Bonnie and Clyde but sad and exploitative version in this book. Carl is a ‘photographer’ and sandy working as a waitress in a café called Wooden Spoon (Which the place where Charlotte used to work as a waitress and the place she met Willard for the first time as well). During summertime they got this ‘ritual’ ((but not in a religious way)) where they drive to different states and give a ride to the hitchhikers found on the way, then Carl forcefully offer them to fuck Sandy for free (HIS OWN WIFE) while he took pictures of them fucking and after that Carl kill them and take all the money those hitchhikers got in their pocket (dude I can’t even judge anything). But to be honest, I’m not a fan of these two characters because they were all so ANNOYING to death. And then there is Bodecker Lee who’s a police and also Sandy’s brother, ok that’s it, I’m not gonna give you any spoilers.

“… He went down the street and sat on a bench in a park the rest of the day thinking about killing himself instead. Something broke in him that day. For the first time he could see that his whole life added up to absolutely nothing…”

You might be confused since there are quite a lot of keen characters in this book but there’s a point where all these bitches are relating to each other, so chill y’all impatient gripe-ass. Overall, the flow of the story is undoubtedly interesting for you to keep going throughout the whole story, because every phase gonna make you wondering about next things happened to them. But, the transitions among every chapters is quite uncomfortable for me, because sometimes when the story has reached its climax there is no resolutions coming to solve the problem immediately, and you’re faced to read the new chapter with a whole different setting and characters so it’s kind of ruining the vibes and emotions the book has made me, but again this just my personal preference so please don’t judge (while everything I did right now is judging inaccurately).

“He realized that he would never preach again, but that was all right. He’d never been much good at it anyway. Most people just wanted to hear the cripple play”

However, what I like the most from this book is the deepening of every character exists is so fascinating, even for just the side or supporting character (for god sake I’m sorry idk what to called a character that isn’t the main one), for example a bus driver in Meade, Ohio which Willard talked to when he was on the way home after the war ended, the narration wrapped and portraits the driver’s life perfectly without make us bored, and there’s still a bunch of interesting narration about the life of the side characters in this book that also as odds and intriguing as the main character’s background (jesus, everything happened and everyone in this book is just so strange and peculiar I swear to god). The story finished in a most tragic-beautiful but still gloomy way, even though it’s quite predictable but still a very good closing for me personally. To be noted, on the way to the end of the story, there will be emerge another asshole priest character named Preston Teagardin, ready to shake you up until you finish the book. But still, let’s said this particular ‘last minute character’ has proving that the author is paying so much attention of how the story ended isn’t leaving any 'rush-made' impression (this shit might confused you I’m sorry my English hasn’t got any better *sorry hand sign* *sorry hand sign* *sorry hand sign*). # hashtag attention to the detail bro.

Holy crap, that’s the first time I’m almost able to cut all the bullshit I intend to bring it up here.

This book is one of my top 5 books that you have to read once in a life time (although I haven’t discover the other four, omg im sorry y’all). Little information for you that the first time I read this book (yeah I read it for quite few times) is when the campaign of presidential election era, which in Indonesia the religious are pretty sentimental issues, some of the people in my country suddenly became those annoying fanatical preachers, man I can’t stand it. And this book is just precisely relating to that condition and I get to know at least a glance of what the heck odds things happened in their minds, since you know fanaticism and stupidity doesn’t hit only on particular group of religions, race, gender or anything, we can all be stupid and brainless (especially me because I basically have no brain). There probably quite many scenes that is pretty disturbing to read (I don’t know if people could be triggered by it???? But I guess so) so yeah a bit warning. Overall, I genuinely recommend this book for you guys because every element in this book is almost perfect, the storylines, bold characters, and the RARE AND STRANGE AND SENSITIVE topic promote by the author in this novel is totally a BOOM. Don’t worry reading this book not going to give you those agnostic and atheist vibes HAHA chill I still consider myself a devoted Muslim tho (hashtag masyaallah ukthi).

By the way before I wrapped it up, I hear that this book will be made into a netflix film. WELL, of course I’m excited because the casts are so amazing, and I love Netflix adaptation and I enjoy watch movies as much as I read books (again, unnecessary information of mine *sorry hand sign*). I found that the release date is postponed from the origin plan in 15th May (which is three days ago from I posted this on my page) due to I don’t know perhaps corona because that bitch has ruined everyone in the world’s schedule, but for real I can’t find the exact information regarding to the updated release date, so while you wait the film to launch, why don’t you just go read the book first? I assure you this one not gonna give you any disappointment.

I think that would be it for this 2nd rubbish book review of mine. Although, I think I made a little progressive from the first one (OR MAYBE NOT???? I’M SORRY Y’ALL) but of course there’s still much deficiency I served. Still, I hope my writing get better in the process of making this whole novel of reviewing book inaccurately. To be honest, I wrote this shit not for getting any engagements or audience but for my own satisfied HAHA. So yeah I’m literally comfortable writing for nothing. But bitch guess what I’m just gonna keep going, until I could professionally writing and make it for a living? Well, amen for that.

Xiao, See you in Advance!

[the-desolated-quill]

BBC’s The War Of The Worlds blog - Episode 1

(SPOILER WARNING: The following is an in-depth critical analysis. If you haven’t seen this episode yet, you may want to before reading this review)

I was very much looking forward to the BBC’s adaptation of the H.G. Wells sci-fi classic. How could I not? It’s the definitive alien invasion story that jump-started an entire genre of science fiction  Not to mention this is the first adaptation made by a British film company and actually set in the time period it was written. I was very excited. Nothing could possibly dampen my spirits... until I learned who was writing it.

Peter Harness is a writer I’ve been less than kind to in the past. For those who don’t know, he wrote some of the worst episodes of Doctor Who. Remember that stupid story about the moon being an egg? Yeah, that was him. He also has a penchant for writing painfully forced and thinly veiled allegories with all the grace and subtlety of a ballet dancing rhino in a glow in the dark tutu. Kill The Moon, for example, was a pro life metaphor that portrayed the other side as being irrational baby killers, and his Zygon two parter was about Muslim immigration and integration, with the slimy repulsive Zygons being used as stand-ins for Muslims and non-white immigrants.

Harness’ ability to write allegorical stories about sensitive topics is... under-developed, to say the least. So naturally he’s the perfect candidate to adapt one of the most beloved sci-fi stories ever written. I mean, why not? The BBC have already ruined Sherlock Holmes, courtesy of Steven Moffat. Why stop there?

In all seriousness, while I wasn’t excited about the prospect of Harness getting his grubby mitts on War Of The Worlds, part of me hoped that maybe he could pull something out of the bag. You may recall I held a very similar negative view toward Chris Chibnall, and his first series as showrunner of Doctor Who was an extremely pleasant surprise. Maybe Harness could achieve his own metamorphosis.

He doesn’t.

The first episode of War Of The Worlds was fucking tedious to sit through. It actually looked quite promising initially. We get some nice moody shots of the surface of Mars as Eleanor Tomlinson recites the famous opening lines of the book. But then just after the opening titles, it all goes downhill.

I was sceptical when it was announced that this would be a three parter because that just seemed too much. A feature length film you could do. Maybe a two parter, at a push. But three episodes? Each an hour long? That’s going to require a lot of padding, and that’s exactly what Episode 1 is. We see the Martian cylinders launch from the planet at the beginning of the episode and it’s not until the forty minute mark where we get our first proper glimpse of the Tripods or the heat rays. So what do we get in the mean time? Mostly pointless shit.

The original War Of The Worlds book isn’t exactly remembered for its characterisation. Outside of the astronomer Ogilvy, none of the characters even have names, but to be fair to Wells, the characters themselves weren’t really the driving force of the narrative. The Martians were. The narrator, a journalist, was merely there to relay and facilitate the plot, giving us a first hand account of the subjugation of Earth. Fine for a book, but somewhat harder to get away with in a film or TV series, which is why most don’t even try. Every single adaptation of War Of The Worlds attempts to expand on the central characters to varying degrees of success, and the BBC version is no exception. But where Harness really miscalculates is in anticipating how much the audience is going to care about the characters, to which the answer is ‘not that much.’ We don’t want them to die obviously, but we’re not so interested in who they are or where they come from because they’re not the main focus. The Martians are. So to have a significant chunk of the episode focusing on their day to day lives is quite baffling. Not to mention unbelievably boring.

George, played by Rafe Spall, is living out of wedlock with Amy, played by Eleanor Tomlinson, which causes their neighbours’ tongues to clack and net curtains to twitch. The only person supporting their union is Ogilvy, played by Robert Carlysle, which is how they learn about the mysterious goings on the surface of Mars. This is all established in the first five minutes, but as I said, the Martians don’t properly show up until the forty minute mark. Until then we’re subjected to painfully forced and tediously dull ‘right on’ posturing and irrelevant social commentary that adds nothing to the core narrative.

Here’s the thing. I’ve got nothing against the idea of expanding the characters. I definitely have no problem with giving the narrator’s wife from the book more development and screen time. In fact I’m all in favour of it. What I do have a problem with, however, is when that expansion and development comes at the expense of the plot.

A man and a woman shacked up together in defiance of society is all well and good, but what does any of this have to do with War Of The Worlds? It’s not even as if Harness tries to connect this back to the story’s main themes of imperialism and colonialism. It’s mentioned that Amy was born and raised in India. Maybe if she was an Indian woman, it could have been more thematically relevant, but no. Once again we have a period drama with no people of colour because, as we all know, non-white people weren’t invented until 1962. Also, while I get that society at the time was very strict, I’m not entirely convinced George and Amy’s relationship would have been that scandalous to the point where it would have affected his career as a journalist. That just seems like a step too far and is merely there to add some artificial tension... in a story about Martians invading the Earth.

In the end it all comes down to this. Why the fuck should I care? What’s the bloody point of this? Yes it expands the characters, but it doesn’t contribute anything to the narrative. It just wastes time. Again, I must stress, we don’t get our first Martian until forty minutes into an hour long episode. Previous adaptations never felt the need to bore the audience to death with pointless shit because they knew what audiences came to see. Martians blowing shit up. Steven Spielberg’s adaptation of War Of The Worlds from 2005 didn’t piss about giving us needless exposition about Tom Cruise and his family. We’re given the basic info about the characters and their relationships within the first ten minutes before the Tripods emerge and the action gets going. The BBC version, in contrast, is just painfully slow, dictating every tiny thing about these characters even when it’s not relevant to the plot.

And the thing is, once we actually get to the bits from the actual book (you know? The bits people actually want to see?), it’s actually pretty good. The Tripod looks incredible, as was the scene in Horsell Common where we saw people getting killed by the heat ray. Unfortunately we have to slog through all this other crap before we can get to the good stuff.

Eleanor Tomlinson probably gives the strongest performance as Amy. It’s just a pity the character is so utterly uninteresting. Like I said, I’ve got nothing against giving her a bigger role than she had in the book, but it feels like Harness is more interested in showing off his feminist credentials than actually telling a story or creating a believable or likeable character. Her being an assistant to Ogilvy I think is a great idea, but it soon becomes clear that this was only done so other male scientists could comment on how unusual it is to have a woman digging up a crashed cylinder, which is kind of ridiculous because I’m pretty sure female scientists did exist back then and you don’t exactly need a penis to use a fucking shovel. Then things turn really stupid when George’s brother, played by Rupert Graves, starts blaming her for the Martian invasion, saying that everything was going fine until she came along. Exploring 19th century sexism is one thing, but this is just daft. There’s no interest in actually exploring the root causes of sexism back then. Instead Harness seems content with portraying men as being the equivalent of cartoon caricatures foaming at the mouth.

George, meanwhile, goes from being a fairly boring character to a downright hateful one when it’s revealed that he and Amy aren’t just living out of wedlock, but that he cheated on his missus because she was infertile. So not only do I not care about him, I now straight up want him to die because what the actual fuck?! And this is not helped by Rafe Spall’s incredibly wooden performance. Seriously, I’ve seen corpses with more life in them. When the Tripod first emerges, we see him stare at it in what I assume was supposed to be shock, but instead he just looked gormless. It’s honest to God one of the worst performances I think I’ve ever seen. There’s no emotional range to him whatsoever. He just blunders around wearing a confused frown on his face. It’s as if he had just wandered onto the set by mistake.

The biggest problem with this first episode is that Harness is focusing on all the wrong areas. A large segment is dedicated to George investigating the Dogger Bank incident, which seems to be an attempt at making a parallel between the UK’s tenuous relationship with Russia then and now. What this has to do with War Of The Worlds, I don’t know. There’s so far been no attempt at exploring the themes of the source material as we’re too busy with this shitty romance. There’s even a moment where we see the characters dig up the cylinder and take a photo only for the same exact scene to happen five minutes later. I mean for fuck sake!

And then there’s the pointless plot twists. First we get the cliched pregnancy reveal, then it’s revealed that the scenes we thought were on Mars turned out to actually be a post apocalyptic Earth with Amy and a seven year old kid who is presumably her son. Wait, how long has this fucking invasion been going on for?! It only lasted a couple of weeks in the book! What happened? Did the Martians get vaccinated? This just highlights to me how inept Harness is as a writer. He can’t just do a straight adaptation of War Of The Worlds. He has to engineer these pointless and utterly idiotic cliffhangers to get people to keep watching because the story and characters clearly aren’t doing that.

If I wasn’t committed to reviewing this mini-series, I honestly wouldn’t watch the rest of this. This first episode is legitimately terrible. Boring, poorly thought out and utterly, utterly clueless. Just like everything else Peter Harness has ever written. I don’t understand why he was chosen to adapt War Of The Worlds and I don’t understand why he chose to adapt it in this way. Why so much focus on pointless exposition? Why over-complicate the lives of the main characters? Why can’t they just be a normal married couple living a life of privilege until the Martians come and trample all over it? It makes no sense! Some could defend this saying it was building tension until the Martians emerged, but there’s a significant difference between making an audience nervously anticipate the Tripods arrival and making them wait impatiently for something, anything, interesting to happen.

[schraubd]

Collected Thoughts on Excluding Omar and Tlaib

I've got another kidney stone. It struck on Monday, and then I felt pain Tuesday, Wednesday, and today. Thursday was my only pain-free day this week, and I have to assume that was the universe balancing the scales and recognizing that the Israeli government's truly terrible decision to exclude Reps. Ilhan Omar (D-MN) and Rashida Tlaib (D-MI) from the country was plenty enough aggravation on its own. I went on a pretty vigorous tweet storm all through yesterday. Below I bullet point most of what I expressed on that site (which, as you may know, I've taken "private"), but my main takeaway is this: There's no serious case that either Congresswoman present a security threat to Israel (I've seen some people insinuate that they might incite a riot at the Temple Mount which -- I'm not sure I can physically roll my eyes hard enough). In practice, the "risk" Omar and Tlaib present is simply that they will hear  mean things about Israel and then say their own mean things about Israel. That's the locus of the complaint about the "balance" of the trip; that's the locus of the accusation that they merely want to rabble-rouse. What people are concerned about is they will go to the West Bank, hear people saying mean things about Israel, and repeat those mean things back to American audiences. But -- and I mean this in all earnestness -- so what? So what if that's what happens? To be clear: I don't think Omar and Tlaib were coming just to say mean things about Israel. But even if they were -- there's no security threat. The state will survive (how pathetic would it be if it crumbled?). It'd be speech. It'd be discourse. That's the price of living in a liberal, free society. Sometimes people say mean things about you. Sometimes those mean things are unfair. Sometimes those mean things are entirely fair. Whatever. It comes with the territory (pun initially not intended, but I'll own it now). It's not a valid basis for a travel ban. It used to be that Israel was emphatic that "come see us and you'll think better of us". Now Israel is terrified that if people come see them--at least, see them unchaperoned, without a constant guiding hand ensuring they see only the choice parts--they'll think of worse of them. That's the sign of a society in decay. To be sure, I think Omar and Tlaib probably would come away from their visit with a rather grim appraisal of Israel's treatment of Palestinians. But then, there's ample basis to appraise that treatment grimly--there's no inherent foul there. People can come to the West Bank and be honestly appalled by what they see. Only police states confuse "people saying mean things" with security threats. A free society can survive--and perhaps even learn from--critics giving it grim appraisals. People talk a huge game about how Omar and Tlaib could "learn" from their trip to Israel and Palestine -- and no doubt they could. But the flip side is that Israel, too, can learn from the testimony of Palestinians laboring under occupation, and from efforts to bring that testimony to the fore. It is wrong -- not to mention insulting -- to treat discourse about Israel/Palestine as if it were a one-way street, where wise, omniscient Israeli/Jewish teachers dribble knowledge onto benighted, ignorant Muslims and Arabs. Below is a recap of my other collected thoughts on the matter (many but not all of which were on Twitter):

This was a terrible and unjustified decision. Let's lead off with that and give it its own bullet point all to itself.

There is no reason to think that this decision was "what Omar and Tlaib wanted" since it made Israel look authoritarian and repressive. That is projection, to avoid speaking the more uncomfortable conclusion that "Omar and Tlaib might have had a point" in suggesting Israel acts in an authoritarian and repressive fashion.

I neither think this decision was solely Trump's doing -- Israel "caving" to his pressure -- nor do I think he played no role in the decision. I think he successfully convinced Netanyahu to do something that he already kind of wanted to do in the first place, even knowing it probably was a bad idea. Trump was like the frat boy friend egging his buddy into doing another shot flight. That Bibi was probably dimly aware it wasn't the wisest decision in the world doesn't mean that he wasn't ultimately fulfilling his own desires. Ultimately, this was a decision of Israel's right-wing government and they deserve to take the full brunt of punishment for it.

I understand why everyone is calling this "counterproductive" from Israel, since it will undoubtedly give a huge boost to the BDS movement. But, as I wrote in the Lara Alqasem case, that really depends on what Israel is trying to "produce". In many ways, Bibi benefits from an ascendant BDS movement, just as they benefit from him; and he likewise benefits from a world divided between conservatives who love everything he does and liberals who loathe him. So the fact that this decision puts wind in the sails of BDS, while further lashing Israel to a purely right-wing mast and alienating it from erstwhile progressive allies, is not necessarily a miscalculation -- it's the intended and desired effect.

On that note, remember the other day when 21 Israeli MKs wrote to Congress and said that a two-state solution was "more dangerous" than BDS? Well, if you ever wanted an example of what it looks like to trade "increased BDS support" for "kneecapping two-state solution support", this was it (even though Tlaib isn't a two-stater -- Omar is -- this act was aimed like a laser at the most prominent base of support for two-stateism in America: that is, Democrats).

On the other hand, shouldn't these right-wing Israelis be more excited to welcome Tlaib than most other Congresspeople? After all, she opposes the "dangerous" two-state solution! Oh wait, I forgot: in her one-state world, everyone gets to vote. That won't do at all, will it?

I love Emma Goldberg description of how Israel will slide away from liberal democracy via Hemingway's description of how he went bankrupt: "Two ways. Gradually, then suddenly." And by love, I mean it gives me a sick feeling of recognition in my stomach.

Justifying the ban on the grounds that Omar and Tlaib's visit wasn't "balanced" because they weren't meeting with Israeli or Palestinian government figures, only NGOs, and these are bad NGOs -- spare me. To tell visiting U.S. politicians "you can come, but only if you speak with the 'right' people/visit the 'right' sites/speak the 'correct' words" sounds like something you'd hear from the North Korean embassy. Omar and Tlaib should be entitled to visit with whomever they want to visit, and come to whatever conclusions they end up coming to. If those conclusions are unfair, we should trust the ability to defeat them with more speech, not enforced silence. But again: we can't conflate "unfair" with "critical". It's entirely feasible that a fair-minded individual hearing testimony from West Bank Palestinians will come to a sharply critical conclusion.

Some of the attacks on the NGOs Omar and Tlaib were scheduled to meet with are the usual chad gadya (has a leader who's linked to a group which kicked the dog ....) nonsense, but there are some groups with some genuinely bad history. I've consequently seen people suggest that we need to also hold Omar and Tlaib accountable for their part in this fiasco for meeting with members of those groups. Fair enough: I'm happy to hold them accountable, weighted and prioritized in proportion to their relative culpability. In keeping with that metric, I might get around to returning to criticizing their draft itinerary sometime in 2035.

Fine, one more thing on the itinerary: Am I correct in reading it as taking Omar and  Tlaib either solely or primarily to the West Bank and East Jerusalem? If so, it's entirely understandable why they'd refer to those locales as "Palestine".

Rep. Tlaib initially applied for a humanitarian waiver to visit her family, which was approved, but then she backed out given the conditions the Israeli government was going to impose on the visit (basically, not engaging in "boycott activities"). The usual suspects are crowing: she cares less about her family than she does about boycotting! I say (a) Rep. Tlaib is well within her rights to not prostrate herself to the dictates of a foreign government seeking to humiliate her, and (b) what about the past few days gives anyone the confidence in the Israeli government's ability to fairly adjudge what qualifies as a "boycott activity"?

The argument that Israel, as a sovereign state, has a "right" to exclude whomever it wants substitutes a juridical argument for an ethical (and practical) one. Sovereign states are formally empowered to do all sorts of terrible and/or stupid things. This was one of them. Hearing nominal anti-BDS folks make this claim -- which could as easily be applied to "universities and academics have the right to collaborate (or not) with whomever they want to" is probably causing another kidney stone to develop as we speak.

The other thing is that Israel is proving itself completely incapable of exercising this "right" in a reasonable manner that distinguishes between genuine threats to national security and unhappiness that people sometimes come to Israel and then say mean things. One of the reasons we liberals seek to limit unchecked government power is precisely because of the suspicion that it won't be exercised responsibly or non-arbitrarily.

Of course, the fact that Israel also exercises the practical authority to exclude people not just from Israel-proper, but the West Bank as well, gives lie to the notion that Palestinians even conceptually could have their right to self-determination vindicated solely by voting in PA elections.

Silver lining: pretty much the entirety of the American Jewish establishment -- AIPAC, AJC, ADL, J Street, Simon Wiesenthal Center -- came out against this decision. Huzzah for that.

Tarnish on even that silver lining: the Conference of President's weak-sauce statement on the matter. "Many of the organizations expressed disagreement with the government’s decision", but "Ultimately, the government of Israel made its assessment of the countervailing arguments and acted upon their conclusion." Really, that's what you're giving us? It's amazing how the Conference doesn't care about the "consensus" of the Jewish community when that consensus is a progressive one.

When a prominent member of or institution associated with an outgroup does something awful, it is natural for members of that outgroup to feel acutely vulnerable. In part, that's because they know that this awfulness will be wielded against them; in part, that's because frequently they have feelings for or connections to the target person and institution, and it is painful to see them act in such a terrible fashion. Of course, that feeling of vulnerability needn't and shouldn't be the primary story as compared to those directly victimized by the awful behavior. But it is not per se wrong, or "centering", to acknowledge and validate the existence of the sentiment; nor is such an acknowledgment necessarily one that stands in competition with recognizing the direct damage of the instigating act.

The next time a Democrat occupies the Oval Office, I have to wonder what sort of penance is going to be demanded from the Israeli government for years upon years of insult and humiliation. It's not going to be back to as it was before. It's not even going to back as it was in the Obama administration. Democrats will -- rightfully -- insist that Israel pay a price for what it's been doing these past four (if not twelve) years. The flipside of recognizing the importance of preserving Israel as a bipartisan issue is that Israel aligning itself fully and completely with the Republican Party is going to come at a cost. It will be interesting to consider what that cost will be.

via The Debate Link https://ift.tt/2ZcVv85

[thecorteztwins]

🔥 villains. 🔥 the hellfire club 🔥the difference between naive and unintelligent characters

Welp, this all got STUPIDLY LONG and I’m really sorry. Under a cut because HUUUUUGE.

🔥 villains.There’s just been a robbery! All the jewels in the museum’s vault have been stolen! The culprits are….Sabretooth and Magneto!Yeah, that doesn’t sound right, does it? Thievery isn’t really something either of them do, they’re not bank robber or cat burglar types at all. And Magneto’s not a fan of Sabes to my memory, it’s unlikely he’d work with him unless it was essential to his ACTUAL goals…which this isn’t. But hey, they’re both bad guys, so they must do ALL the bad things! No matter what it is, it’s in-character if it’s evil or unlawful, right?This is the logic that I see running both often in fandom, and also sometimes with canon writers. There’s a mentality that if someone is villainous or bad in ONE way, then they must be villainous or bad in ALL ways. I think there’s always been this misunderstanding, as people do tend to think in black and white a lot, but I think it’s also increased with the rise of purity culture in Tumblr, where people/characters/works are All Good or All Bad, and if the bad guys aren’t depicted as 1000% heinously evil then it’s APOLOGISM. An example in RP would be that more than once I’d had people expect Fabian to be a racist. I can see why, given that he expresses sexism, classism, a bit of ableism, and disgust with physical mutations. But not only does he never express racism, he never expresses racism DESPITE AMPLE OPPORTUNITY. Think about it—his main antagonists are Magneto (Jewish) and Quicksilver (Jewish and Romani), he once personally fights Bishop (Black and Indigenous Australian) one on one, he’s on one team with Shinobi (half white, half Japanese), and his allies/underlings in the second-gen Acolytes included people who are African American, Moroccan (and Muslim-coded), and Inuit. And he never, ever, EVER even THOUGHT anything related to race (or religions that are usually implicitly tied to race) about ANY of them. Given how blatant his other prejudices are, I think he would very much let the reader KNOW if he were racist, anti-Semitic, etc. An example in canon…look, I’m sorry to bring up this dead horse again, but it is the best example that I presently have—Sebastian Shaw making the “women’s work” comment. As with Fabian, I get why it makes sense on the surface. He’s a powerful man, the proverbial rich old white guy, and he’s part of an organization where women walk around in lingerie as a general rule. It seems like it makes sense, it does, I grant that. But then if you actually look at his history…for 40 years of canon, he’s been allies and enemies with many powerful women, and never made a remark about their gender, never relegated lesser or menial tasks to them, never treated any of them differently as partners or foes, he actually never even flirts with any of them, be they opponents or partners in crime  (except that ONE issue when Emma is in Storm’s body and he kisses her…yeah that was a weird issue, why does a telepath need a gun to switch bodies?) Which is pretty unusual for a male Claremont villain. And he actually reacts with “I…see.” the one time a comrade makes a genuinely sexist remark. He doesn’t agree with him, he’s more like “wow ok I can’t believe he said that but I guess I’ll let it go since I want to recruit him” So, it’s actually VERY odd for him to suddenly say something like that, once you know the character. Especially since, like Fabian, he had TONS of opportunity in the past and he’s also not a character that most writers want to seem sympathetic or likeable. So it’s unlikely the writers were just trying to make him look good by playing down some secret sexist tendencies all this time or something. It’s more likely he just doesn’t have them BUT IS STILL A HORRIBLE PERSON! He just doesn’t need to be horrible in every way! Most people, even the MOST terrible, aren’t horrible in EVERY WAY POSSIBLE.That’s also why I try to avoid having Fabian being too homophobic (beyond “I can convert lesbians”) or transphobic, despite the fact that I *could* justify it (since those things are very intertwined with sexism)—because he’s awful enough. Giving him additional bigotries just seems stupidly redundant and cheap. Especially since I think people actually hate a bigoted character more than they hate a murderer; like I feel like if Duggan ever graduates to Shaw making a racist or homophobic remark, I might have to close his blog, but it’s fine to have blogs for fictional serial killers. By the same token, a villain having good traits doesn’t somehow eliminate their bad ones, especially if the good and bad traits are unrelated to each other. A mass murderer supervillain is not “actually a good guy deep down” because he loves his family; it’s actually VERY common for even genocidal dictators to care for their own. Hell, not to go all Godwin, but Hitler was an animal-lover and had a beloved dog. You can certainly point to good traits to show that a villain isn’t ALL bad (which as I just said, I support) but not being “all bad” isn’t the same as “actually a good person and just misunderstood!” Like, Shaw being an egalitarian in a lot of regards or was good to Madelyne Pryor or loved his father, doesn’t change he’s a heartless, morally bankrupt monster who abused his son and sold out an entire oppressed species (his own, no less) for his own financial gain. Mystique is an incredibly complex character, far more so than Shaw, but her love for Destiny and Rogue and many of her other good points don’t change that she hunted down other mutants for the government, abused her human son for not being a mutant, has committed rape by deception numerous times (though I think that’s due to the writers not realizing that’s a thing), constantly tries to manipulate her daughter’s life and choices, and I’m pretty sure I recall an issue where she framed a guy for domestic abuse just for funsies?Basically, villains are people. They have individual different traits and beliefs and motives, and those things will drive them towards individual different types of villainy. One villain probably won’t do the same kind of villainy that another does. Likewise, someone being a shitty person in one way, or many ways, doesn’t mean they will be in ALL ways. Pointing this out isn’t the same thing as denying their flaws or defending them, but some people do do this and that’s wrong too. Nuance needs to be allowed for. Pointing out Shaw isn’t awful in every way doesn’t mean I think he’s a misunderstood woobie whose crimes should all be forgiven. Pointing out Mystique has done awful shit doesn’t mean I think she’s pure evil and all her complex points should be ignored. It just means I don’t think characters should be strawmanned by fans OR writers as paragons or demons, especially when it contradicts what canon has actually established (with the caveat that canon is dumb sometimes too, and also some characters canonically ARE one extreme or the other, but I’m talking about ones who AREN’T)🔥 the hellfire clubI’ll give two on this! One is “unpopular” just in the sense it’s not something I’ve ever heard anyone express, but I’ve never heard an opinion in opposition to it either. The other is “unpopular” in that it does directly contradict a popularly held opinion.The first is that I think it’s stupid that Grant Morrisson made The Hellfire Club into a strip club, and it’s stupid that writers since depicted it this way. The Hellfire Club is shown in the 80s and 90s as being, first and foremost, an elite social club for the wealthiest and most powerful people in society. It’s basically a big posh country club, and most of its members are just regular people. Super duper rich people, but still normal people, lots of old money and new money and big business owners and politicians and probably royalty/nobility. Most of what they’re doing is big fancy, stuffy galas and balls, that kind of thing. But under the surface, it’s hinted that there is indeed a much more sexual underside to it. The female staff wear very fetishy maid costumes, the female Inner Circles literally have dominatrix lingerie as their getups, and while we actually never see what goes on beyond the closed doors in the 80s, nor was anything directly stated, the hints are definitely there that it’s as libertine in the private rooms as they are prim and proper in the ballrooms. We don’t know WHAT exactly is happening, only that it’s dark and decadent and surely sexual in some kind of “abnormal” (read: kink shaming) way.And then it turns out it’s just a strip club where the dancers wear corsets? Really? REALLY? I’m sorry, you expect me to belief that these oh-so-forbidden and secretive sexual delights that are available only to the richest and most powerful people in the world are…a TITTY BAR WITH NO ACTUAL TITTIES EVEN OUT???? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard! It’s so fucking juvenile! It feels like something a 13 year old made up while trying to come up with the mos edgy, shocking, “sexy” thing he could. It just…doesn’t work. It doesn’t work firstly because it completely took away the whole “upper class veneer” that is as much an essential part of the HFC as the sex. In fact, I think more so. Writers, artists, and fans all like to focus on ZOMG THE SEXY COSTUMES but thematically speaking, I think the fact it’s an elite organization exclusive to the super-wealthy is much more important; that should be what they’re really about as villains, but writers end up focusing way too much on the shock value of the kink, and that’s how you wind up with stuff like this. The second reason it doesn’t work is that…it isn’t even shocking. When what they were doing was kept hidden, the reader could imagine no limit of decadence and depravity. When it’s revealed, and revealed as something that’s frankly super and common and TAME (seriously, strip clubs aren’t edgy these days) that you can get anywhere else, you’re left wondering why exactly anyone gives a shit about being in the HFC if this is all it really is? We should NEVER get to see what the HFC patrons truly do in private, and we should definitely never get shown that it’s just watching a woman pole dance with Victorian underwear on. That doesn’t make the HFC look sexual, it makes them look like PRUDES!Honestly, I do actually love the sexy sinful decadent aspect, but it’s overtaken the “extremely rich and powerful people trying to rule the world from behind the scenes through political and economic manipulation” aspect (which is far more interesting and villainous) that I kind of wish sometimes they had been created without the kink or colonial cosplay aspects, and instead had just worn some 80s powersuits.Now, here’s the “unpopular as in contradicts the popular” opinion. I see the Hellfire Club described a lot, in canon and fandom, as an organization of powerful MEN, as a bunch of MEN who just want to control others, as a BOY’S club…but aside from Sebastian Shaw, all the most prominent and effective members of the Club have been women? I mean, think about it. The names most synonymous with “Hellfire Club” in fandom are Emma Frost, Selene, Jean Grey as Dark Phoenix, and Sebastian Shaw. Shaw’s the ONLY dude that really gets any focus from writers OR fans; the women are almost always utilized more by writers and remembered more by fans. Heck, in the London Branch of the Hellfire Club, NONE of the male members of the Inner Circle even got NAMES, while ALL the women did. Now, of course, individual women in an organization being successful in said organization and beloved by fans/writers, doesn’t mean the organization itself can’t also be sexist. And like most people, the disparity between the costumes of both the Inner Circle and the mere staff does lead me to believe that it was probably founded and run only by men originally, and I bet women probably weren’t even allowed in for a long time (especially given that it was established in the 1700s) But that’s my HEADCANON. That’s what I EXTRAPOLATE. But what’s actually on the page IN THE PRESENT is women that are on equal footing with men, or superior to them. They’re not just simply ALLOWED in the Inner Circle, they’ve been dominating it from the first appearance with Emma ruling it alongside Shaw over Leland and Pierce, and then Selene coming in to challenge Shaw and Emma (with Shaw being terrified of her) in a way that none of the other members (all male—Leland, Pierce, Von Roehm) could. Gender is never brought up by anyone, even the most despicable male HFC members like Donald Pierce. So while I believe it was founded by sexist men, the Inner Circle seems pretty egalitarian now.But of course, there’s the costumes. I absolutely think it’s a sexist setup that the men get to wear (super ugly) period cosplay while the women are in fetish lingerie. It seems to be the standard uniform, and the fact that they haven’t CHANGED it shows that there’s definitely still some sexism.Except…it doesn’t seem to be a rule in-universe that the women HAVE to wear them? We actually see female members of the HFC, such as Selene, wearing clothing other than that while hanging out there; there’s actually a scene wear Selene is wearing pants and a sleeveless turtleneck with gloves. Maddy also wears a lot of black leather when she’s a member, but it doesn’t look like the Hellfire Club ladies getup, it looks like all the other stuff she was wearing in the 90s. And when Selene, Emma, etc., AREN’T in the Hellfire Club…they often still dress exactly like that, or in a similiar manner. I think it’s pretty clear that no one is MAKING them wear the uniforms, they just LIKE them, they’re probably “encouraged but optional” or something like that. And Emma even has that WHOLE DAMN SPEECH about how this is her armor, how it empowers her, etc. That said, while I don’t think any other CHARACTERS are making these women dress like that, I do think the writers/artists are. If a real woman made the speech that Emma did, I’d be like “ok sure, you go girl, do what feels empowering for you”. But Emma ISN’T a real woman. Every word in her mouth in that panel is being put there by Chris Claremont, a horny man with a dominatrix fetish who is trying to justify it by selling it as feminist. That is what it is. But just because that’s the case on a meta level…on an in-universe level, no one makes these women dress like this, and that’s very evident, and while the way they’re treated by writers/artists is definitely affected by them being women, the way other characters, including the Hellfire Club men, treats them, isn’t. At least not til shitty recent stuff. (I’ve seen some people think SHAW made the women dress like that….yeah, sure, like he could make SELENE do anything? He’s completely afraid of her but somehow can make her wear something she doesn’t want? Emma and Selene dress like that no matter where they are and whether they’re presently HFC members or not, but somehow he’s making them do that? HOW DOES ANYONE GIVE THIS GUY THAT MUCH CREDIT?)Basically, I think people are TRYING to be feminist, but it often ends up feeling like SEXISM to me? Because it’s totally ignoring and erasing the power and agency that these women exert in this organization, and often even claiming that it’s actually the men who have all the control, when aside from Shaw it’s usually the ladies running the show. It just seems disrespectful to me. It’s like, as much as people are claiming to hate a lack of agency for female characters, they seem more comfortable with that idea than a situation where women actually HAD it. Maybe it’s because they’re villains, maybe it’s because the costumes really are distracting and unequal no matter how the writers try to justify it (again, I wish they’d just gone with business suits), but there seems to be an overall fandom determination to insist on women like Emma Frost and Selene as victims or simply accomplices to a greater (male) villain, rather than embracing them as the Top Tier Bad Bitches they were/are, and, again, that seems more sexist to me than not. But I worry people will think I’m sexist if I say that. But you know me, you know I LOVE agency for female characters, and how I rail against it when see them ACTUALLY lacking it in comics, so you know it’s not that. I think it’s just a part of the rise in purity culture that even “progressive” people would rather see a woman forced or coerced to be a victim than choose of her own volition to be a villain and be GOOD at it :/🔥the difference between naive and unintelligent charactersWell, firstly, obviously there IS a difference. Naivete is just a lack of experience or learned knowledge, neither of which has anything to do with intelligence. A naive character may make mistakes in a new situation based on their lack of knowledge about it, and that may LOOK stupid to those who have this knowledge, but it’s not the same thing. I think we can agree that, say, Tony Stark isn’t stupid, but if he had to navigate in the wilderness, he might do things that experienced hikers and campers and outdoors people know are SUPER BAD IDEAS. Because this isn’t something he knows about or has experience with.So, I think considering characters who are new to this world (as is common in comics—lots of people from other dimensions, planets, and times) as stupid because they don’t know a lot of things we take as a given, is erroneous. I think it’s pretty common for fandom to look at, say, Longshot or Thor, and deem them as basically being idiots because they’re not familiar with their new environments…when in fact, we’d all be acting the same if we wound up in Asgard or Mojoworld. Not that there’s not other reasons they can’t be idiots, but not knowing what a toaster is isn’t one of them.The big difference is that naivete is a temporary state, and I think both writers and fans forget that. The character’s naivete will gradually decrease as they learn more and more. So if you’re writing an Avengers fic where Thor has been on Earth for five years so far, he probably knows what a toaster is, can order normally at a restaurant, isn’t confused by normal sights like cars or traffic lights or computers, etc., but could still be confused if he went to a Midgardian country with very different cultural norms than the ones he’s learned in the United States. Likewise, I can keep Malcolm perpetually baffled by new worlds in RP since time is kinda wobbly here and can be static or move forward or back as we like, but if I were writing him in a linear story, he would have to learn along the way about the technology and norms of other worlds as he experiences them; if he didn’t learn, THEN he would be unintelligent, not just naive. If he touches a hot stove once because he didn’t know what it was, and it burns him, that’s naive. If he touches it twice to test if it does the same thing again, that’s curious and maybe even smart, despite looking stupid to others. If he keeps doing it every day by accident, then THAT’S an idiot. Also, even a naive character may still be able to deduce that certain things are bad ideas, dangerous, etc. For instance, let’s say my character is a normal everyday girl sucked into a fantasy realm. She doesn’t understand the language, and the people around her don’t look like anything humanoid, but when all of them go quiet and still when a larger, more decorated one enters, and they all give it a lot of space, she can probably deduce that this is someone of great importance, and she probably should do what the others are doing and not risk pissing it off. She may know nothing about these beings or their customs, but she still can use her powers of observation and common sense. It may end up being a TOTALLY wrong move—for instance, maybe newcomers are meant to come introduce themselves to the leader by touching them–but it was a good, sensible guess. Whereas if she’d just walked up to the being and given it a good swift kick, that’d be unintelligent to an almost unbelievable point, and no amount of “she’s just naive!” could excuse it.Oh yeah, and optimism doesn’t automatically equate to naivete either. To be honest, I think that extreme cynicism is just as naive in its own way as thinking everything is sunshine and daisies, and I’d like to see this explored more in fiction rather than the perpetual “happy positive people are dumb and naive and just don’t know better, whereas the grumpy cynics are always smarter and more experienced” that media is so fond of.TL;DR Not only is naivete not unintelligence, it also should be a temporary state. It’s definitely cute to watch a naive character stumble around their new experiences, but in gaining those experiences, they’re going to become less naive, and make few mistakes. Naive characters should also still be capable of acting in ways that are sensible, even if they end up being wrong for the new situation. And being positive doesn’t automatically equate naivete either, nor does negativity equate to the reverse (and can be naive in itself)

[tobashiarg-blog-archive]

Turns Out Being a Super Hero Is Actually Really Gay! - Chapter 5

Hey kiddos, I’m back! Your main bitch here has NOT been in the best mental health as of late :) My boss at my current job is driving me up a wall and I may need to find a new one since he might not be able to pay me for the hours I do, my depression is kicking my ass, and my dog was going to have puppies but then had a miscarriage and it turns out she can never have puppies again or risk dying next time. Soooo yeah, I’m probably not okay, but that’s okay because we are back with another chapter of your fav spiderbois! Again, huge thanks to @sugarglider9603 and @ask-spiderverse-virgil for their wonderful au! Also shout out to @khadij-al-kubra for helping me appropriately write Logan and his family! They gave me some awesome advice and insight into Muslim culture and you should totally check out their blog and read their Thomas In Wonderland fan fic, it’s super cute! Anyways, now with that out of the way please ENJOY!!!!

Master Post

Beginning

Previous Chapter

Next Chapter

The boys collapsed on to the couch in Thomas’s living room in one heaping pile of uncoordinated limbs and groans. They were absolutely exhausted, aching joints and sore muscles which they were careful to move slowly. Thomas, meanwhile, leaned over the back of the couch, suit still intact but mask off, smiling amusingly at the tired teens.

“So, third day of training went well,” Thomas snickered, the boys groaned in response causing the older man to laugh again “yeah, you’ll get use to it eventually. Just because your muscles are stronger doesn’t mean they aren’t prone to getting tired when worked out.”

“I take back every nice thing I said about you,” Virgil murmured, face down across the couch “you are the absolute worst and I’d rather take Ms. Green’s Saturday day classes.”

“I ache all over.” Patton whined.

“The body takes about a week or so to get used to routine work out,” Logan groaned out “but as you do you adjust it so that you don’t get used to it and extend your bodies limit. But even so this training fucking sucks!”

“Agreed,” Roman grunted “I have so many regrets.”

“Toughen up boys, you all wanted to be super heroes,” Thomas tutted “besides, we haven’t even gotten to the hard parts yet.”

“The worst!” Virgil hissed “Terrible mentor! Zero out of ten!”

Thomas chuckled, “If it helps, you all are doing great. I’m really proud off all the effort and hard work you’ve been putting into this. Now, weather that’ll stay throughout the entirety of your training is to be determined but I have faith in you all.”

The boys stayed quiet for a long while, faces flushed red though it wasn’t from the intense work out they just had, mostly. They’ve all been doing their damnedest to show how serious they were about becoming heroes, wanting to prove to Thomas and everyone else that they weren’t messing around. And even if it’s only been a short while it was nice to know that Thomas had faith in them and wanted to see them succeed. It was pretty fucking sweet to know that your hero and now mentor had your back.

“Yeah, yeah, don’t get too sappy, you still suck.” Virgil grumbled, but the blush on his cheeks plus the smile he kept trying to hide told a different tale.

“Oh well, if I’m the worse them I guess you guys wouldn’t be interested in any of the ‘after work out’ sandwiches I made,” Thomas said innocently, turning to walk towards the kitchen “plus, a banana and strawberry milkshake but it’s probably not that great cause, you know, I’m the worst and all.”

The boys were silent once more before suddenly jumping off the couch and racing after Thomas towards the kitchen.

“Best teacher! Twelve out of ten gold stars!” Virgil called out.

“I’m not all that achey!” Patton said, a slight wince in his step.

“Well really the body shouldn’t ever get used to a work out too much,” Logan informed “and the routines you’ve set up for us will really balance out our bodies.”

“Best decision of my life! Absolutely, no regrets!” Roman cheered.

---

The boys lazed around in the kitchen, chatting as they ate their mountain of sandwiches and delicious milkshakes and Thomas couldn’t help but feel kind of domestic. He didn’t usually have much company besides Joan and Talyn and even then, he was sometimes too busy to properly hang out with them. But they understood, even before they found out about him being Rainbow Weaver Joan and Talyn were always supporting him and Thomas will forever be grateful for that. But there was just something about having a room full of people, chatting and laughing, with a mutual understanding of each other’s situation that made Thomas feel…less alone.

‘Welcome to parenthood fucker!’ A voice in Thomas’s head, that suspiciously sounded a lot like Joan, cackled.

“Shush.” Thomas mumbled quietly as he shook his head to silence the voice before returning to the conversation at hand.

“The whole movie is basically a promotion on Stockholm syndrome!” Virgil exclaimed.

“She stayed on her own accord so she could save her father!” Roman shot back “Plus he did let her go after she went into the forbidden room only SAVE her when she was in danger! She could have left after he passed out but no, she went back again WILLINGLY to nurse him back to health!”

Roman and Virgil had been arguing about the story line of various Disney movies for the better part of an hour now. Thomas, Logan, and Patton sat as the audience, occasionally throwing in their own opinions but staying out of it for the most part. Even if the debate seemed intense it kind of looked like the two were having fun in their own strange way. Currently they were discussing the elements of Beauty and the Beast.

“Yeah, because it’s either get mauled to death and freeze in the woods or be trapped in solitude!” Virgil quipped “She just chose the better half of a bad situation that would provide her with food and shelter!”

“But they fell in love!” Roman cried.

“Yes, because a prisoner falling in love with their capture is totally healthy and cool if you add bunch of dancing silverware!” Virgil snarked.

“Ugh! You are impossible!” Roman groaned “How is it you claim to like Disney but have all this bad to say about it?”

“Because it’s literally the whole reason I like it in the first place,” Virgil snorted “there are so many dark elements to it that people over look. Especially if you read the original fairy tales that inspired them.”

“You just want to make everything dark and edgy,” Roman grumbled “not everything has to have a dark side.”

“Everything does have a dark side, Sir Sing-A-Lot.” Virgil smirked.

“Ha, I like that nickname and I’m gunna use it!” Roman huffed.

“Not that it isn’t great that you two are getting along,” Logan said sarcastically, finishing his milkshake and grabbing another sandwich “but me and Virgil got to get going or we’ll be late for dinner and I would rather not endure my mother’s wrath.”

“Oh shit, that’s today?” Virgil asked as he began to pack his stuff.

“What’s today?” Patton asked curiously.

“My brother is coming over for dinner,” Logan replied dryly “we haven’t seen him in a while.”

“You don’t seem too excited.” Thomas said.

“It’s not that I’m not excited to see him after so long it’s just…” Logan paused, fidgeting over uncomfortable feel of emotion running through his brain, wondering if he should even bother discussing this any further. Eventually, he chose not to, “Nothing, it’s just, you know, tired from all the training and…stuff.”

Thomas knew there was something more to the whole situation, as did Patton and Roman, but out of politeness nobody said anything. They instead looked to Virgil to see if he could clue them in on something, they were missing but the purple clad teen only shrugged and shook his head. So, they were quick to change the subject.

“What are the rest of you doing this evening?” Thomas asked.

“My brother Alex said he was gunna take me and Georgie, my other brother, out somewhere,” Patton sighed, rolling his eyes “that’s usually code for he wants to impress a girl by showing what a ‘cool and caring’ brother he is and will fail miserably. But hey, I’m not gunna look a gift horse in the mouth, usually he takes us to cool places.”

“My mom and sister are working late again so I have to pick up and babysit the twins,” Roman replied before suddenly remembering something and turned to Virgil “Virgil what are you doing?”

Virgil paused, giving Roman an odd look, “Uh, besides dinner at the Quinn’s, nothing much afterwards. Why?”

“Good, because you need to come over so we can finish up that stupid essay due on Monday and I can’t have you over on Sunday because we have church and a baby shower to go to.” Roman said as he casually munched on another sandwich.

“Shit, that’s still a thing,” Virgil groaned, looking to Logan for help “have you even started on that?”

“Oh yes, me and Patton finished it recently.” Logan replied coolly.

“We video chatted since me and Lo had other stuff to attend to and couldn’t come over to each other’s houses.” Patton added.

“That’s why you flaked out on movie night yesterday,” Roman said in a moment of realization before pouting “you chose a study date with your boyfriend over me?”

Logan choked on the sandwich he was still munching on whole Patton squeaked and flushed a dark red. Virgil snickered as he went over to pat Logan’s back until he stopped coughing while Patton blubbered and waved his hands around, shrieking how “it’s not like that Roman, you know that! We just- we study a-and – we aren’t, uh…” Logan was soon to join in once he got the proper amount of air in his lungs, face just and red and sputtering just as embarrassed.

Thomas bit back a laugh while Roman and Virgil, the little shits, out right smirked in that smug way all best friends do when they see each other suffering. It was painfully obvious that Logan and Patton a “thing” for each other but were just too shy and awkward to acknowledge it. It was easy to push their buttons and was also extremely entertaining to watch. Still, Thomas was merciful and kindly decided to redirect the subject again.

“Well, while you kids enjoy your evening plans, I’ll be out on patrol,” Thomas said, stretching out a bit “so if you need to contact me and I’m a little slow to respond you’ll know why.”

“Might pass by that ally way again while patrolling?” Virgil asked innocently, though the devious smirk on his face was a dead giveaway “You know, just to make sure there’s no one in danger?”

“Yeah, like a certain cute barista?” Roman snickered.

Thomas’s cheeks colored pink and he regretted his previous act of mercy because those little vipers turn head so fast it’s as if they planed it. “You know we could just spend a whole day doing laps next training day?”

“We could, but that still wouldn’t erase the fact that you’re too gay to function around attractive males.” Logan smirked.

“Aw, but wouldn’t it be cute if they went out on a date?” Patton gushed, his comment was genuine but that didn’t make Thomas any less flustered. “You should try and talk to him, like for reals. Maybe ask him out on a cute little coffee date?”

“I am like flashing back to so many Coffee Shop Au fics it’s not even funny,” Virgil laughed breathlessly “anyway, Roman, text me your address and I’ll swing by after dinner. See ya gays later.”

“Don’t you mean guys?” Patton asked.

“I know what I said.” Virgil replied as he and Logan made their way out of the kitchen.

Roman shrugged, “He isn’t wrong though.”

---

They arrived at their apartment building in record time, Vigil having informed his parents before hand that he’d be at Logan’s for dinner before heading out to Roman’s to finish up the essay. Though at the moment neither of them were in any hurry to get to where they were going, taking a dramatically long time climbing up the stairs instead of taking the elevator.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to tag along with you and Morgan after dinner?” Virgil asked for the tenth time that day “I really, really don’t mind flaking out on Roman.”

“As much as I would like that you really do need to finish your essay,” Logan sighed “it counts as a major grade for your science class.”

It wasn’t that Logan’s brother was a bad guy, on the contrary he was actually really cool and easy to talk too, but the constant comparisons made between them by their parents made Logan kind of resent him, just a little. Don’t get him wrong, Logan loved his older brother and wouldn’t mind spending more time with him but as of late the closer Logan got to graduation the more his parents…“pushed” him to follow in his brother’s footsteps. He couldn’t even mention about applying for colleges around them because then they’d go into a spiral about all the colleges Morgan got excepted to at his age and how he should apply for those and go for this program that Morgan did and maybe he could study abroad like Morgan did. It’s not like they did it on purpose, Logan knew his parents loved him and were proud of him, they only wanted what’s best for him so that he could succeed and gain opportunities that they couldn’t when they were young. But sometimes it just…got a bit much.

“Come on, let me procrastinate,” Virgil whined, though it was more to make Logan laugh then being serious “I don’t want to spend my whole afternoon with Roman.”

“It’s not my fault the teachers chose him as a partner for you,” Logan chuckled “at least he’s willing to do work and not slack off like others. Plus, better him then Dolion.”

“Mmh, true,” Virgil grumbled “but stiiiill! The only reason you’re not complaining is because you got to be all buddy-buddy with Patton and make heart eyes at him all day.”

As expected, Logan was a blushing, sputtering mess, “I-it’s not like that!”

Vigil continued to tease his best friend all the way up until their destination, then everything got tense again. Logan took a deep breath, slowly letting it out as he went over the most likely scenarios that would happen during dinner, none of them were good. But Logan just had to get through dinner then an awkward night out with his brother and after he could just sulk in his room the rest of the night. His train of thought was broken by a gentle hand squeezing his own and he turned to find Virgil smiling at him sympathetically.

“I got your back if that means anything?” Virgil shrugged.

Logan gave him a tiny, appreciative smile, “It means everything.”

“Great,” Virgil turned towards the awaiting door in front of them “let’s face Hades together.”

“You know, Hades wasn’t an evil god,” Logan began to explain “he was just god of the Underworld and-”

“You know what I mean.” Virgil scoffed as he opened the door to Logan’s apartment.

Inside, Mr. and Mrs. Quinn were in the living room enthusiastically entertaining their special guest of the evening, Morgan Quinn. Looks wise, Morgan and Logan looked pretty similar, tall lanky build, neat trimmed hair, and thick square glasses. Personality wise, they couldn’t be more different, Logan was always the more serious of the two while Morgan tended to be the more goofy, social butterfly. Despite being polar opposites, they got along pretty great, Morgan was the one that introduced Logan to his love of space and it was that mutual love that formed an incredible bond between them. They’d always go up to the roof and look at the stars through their telescope, read up on NASA’s latest discoveries and plans, or just binge watch a bunch of space documentaries. But lately, Logan’s been looking at the stars less, it’s been moths since he’s looked into what NASA’s been up too, and he’s kind of been avoiding space documentaries all together if he’s honest.

“Lolo!” Morgan exclaimed excitedly as he rushed to hug his brother “Salaam alekum!”

“Waalekum salaam,” Logan replied, a small smile appearing on his face despite his internal conflict “welcome home.”

“Geez, you sprouted up like a bean stalk,” Morgan laughed as he pulled back to look over his little brother “what are Ummi and Babá feeding you?”

“All required nutrition regiments,” Logan quipped “though I can only assume your stunted growth is due to the college dietary restrictions of coffee and instant noodles.”

“Quit exposing me,” Morgan chided playfully before turning to Virgil with his arms open wide for a hug “Virge, salaam alekum!”

“Waalekum salaam,” Virgil replied, tentatively accepting the hug though Morgan knew he wasn’t one for physical affection so he didn’t linger long “how you’ve been?”

“I’ve been great, tired but great,” Morgan chuckled “and you still haven’t grown? I though Ummi was stuffing you down with the same thing she’s been feeding Logan?”

“Gunna take a lot more then forced self-care to make me into a functioning human being.” Virgil smirked.

“Speaking of eating,” Mrs. Quinn cut through the chatter as she made her way to the kitchen “I made your favorite Morgan, kufta and rice. Shall we eat now?”

“Please,” Morgan half begged “I’m a starving college student.”

They family plus Virgil gathered around the table, filling their plates with the lamb meat balls, rice and side salad put in place. It was all pleasantries at first, catching up on each other’s lives and reminiscing on the past and how it compared to the present. It was nice, laughter and chatter filled the room as other’s ate to think of more conversation topics.

Then Mrs. Quinn asked, “How has your internship been at Oscorps?”

And so it began.

“Oh, it’s been amazing,” Morgan gushed “I’ve been learning so much about bioengineering and genetic research. There’s been so many advances made in the medical field and it’s just fascinating to see the behind the scenes of everything.”

“You know, Logan and Virgil went on a field trip to Oscorps this week,” Mr. Quinn said, unknown to him that Logan’s eye began to twitch waiting for the inevitable “I would have hoped they’d see you there in action.”

“Oh no, I’m usually in the back with the researchers,” Morgan explained before looking to his brother “but if you would have texted me earlier, I could have given you and Virge a secret tour of the latest project we’ve been working on. It’s awesome, you would have loved it Lo.”

“I, um…” Logan began, fiddling with the food on his plate.

“Logan, I thought we told you to call your brother and ask about the internship requirements?” Mrs. Quinn asked.

“I forgot.” Logan said lamely.

“Babá you can’t afford to be forgetting these things,” Mr. Quinn scolded gently “you have to build up a good college resume and a company like Oscorps will get you accepted into any school you want.”

“Yeah, I know.” Logan mumbled, having stopped eating all together and was now just staring at his plate.

“Well, he’s still just a junior in high school,” Morgan cut in before more could be said by either of his parents “an internship like this is not easy to come by. Some people are on a waiting list for years and even then, they might not get accepted.”

“But didn’t they offer you a position when you were in high school?” Mrs. Quinn asked “Surely if Logan took an extra class or two, he could have one too.”

“What they offered me was an errand boy that made print outs and got coffee,” Morgan explained, secretly watching as the tension in his brother’s shoulders relaxed just a bit “they’re not gunna let a high schooler into a research lab no matter how smart he is. Maybe once he hits college but even then, he could get a much better offer from somewhere else. I hear the robotic engineering program in Carnegie and Brown are real buddy-buddy with Stark Industries.”

Logan smiled, just a little, tentative and quiet, “Really?”

“I don’t know,” Mrs. Quinn butted in, and just like that the tension in Logan’s shoulders returned “Stark Industries is sketchy at best, especially with all that Avengers mumbo-jumbo going on. Besides, wouldn’t a job in the medical field be more secure financial wise? All I ever see that Tony Stark do on the news is make new toys for him to play with and destroy the city.”

“Saving the world from an alien invasion and government corruption,” Morgan explained ��pretty sure that’s kind of important Ummi.”

Mrs. Quinn shrugged, “I guess so.”

“But what about that whole mess with the Avengers?” Mr. Quinn asked “Or whatever’s going on there? There’s always some kind of conflict with them.”

“It’s been cleared up now,” Morgan informed them “plus I hear Stark Industries are partnering up with a famed research facility in Wakanda. They’re supposed to have technological advances years beyond us. I’m sure Logan will be snatched up in an instant.”

Mr. and Mrs. Quinn seemed sort of swayed but they surely still had more questions and probing statements to say. Thankfully, Morgan was quick to jump in and change the conversation. “So Logan, Ummi and Babá were telling me how you, Virge and some friends made a club together, how’s that been going?”

Not a topic Logan wished to discuss in great detail but he’d chose that over the previous one. “Uh, great, we’ve been making excellent progress.”

“And what of the other guys in your group?” Morgan asked, genuinely curious “How are they like?”

“They’re…great,” Logan chuckled awkwardly “just two classmates from our school, Patton and Roman, we all head a group project together and we got discussing on some issues and of course one thing led to another.”

“Yeah, they’re pretty cool,” Virgil added “and we’re getting…stuff and things done. It’s small but nice.”

“That’s good,” Morgan smiled “I hope to meet these new friends someday, I’m getting kind of tired of just Virgil at our house all the time.”

“You know we all thought the same thing with you,” Virgil rolled his eyes but gave an easy smirked “thank god you left for college.”

Morgan laughed, “Geez, Virge, tell me how you really feel. Also, I heard you guys were being sponsored by Thomas Sanders, unless Ummi and Babá got the name mixed up?”

“Yeah, we didn’t believe it either at first,” Logan chuckled nervously, him and Virgil sharing a knowing look “but the school district recommended him and he accepted so it was only logical of us to accept as well.”

“How hard did you and Virgil fan girl? Be honest.” Morgan teased.

Logan pouted (though he’d deny it till his dying day) and promptly returned to his dinner, “Suddenly, I don’t remember the details.”

“It’s like it never even happened,” Virgil added dramatically “Thomas Sanders who? What club?”

“Aw, come on guys!” Morgan chuckled, playfully shoving his brother’s shoulder “I’m only kidding…mildly, though seriously how hard did you fan girl? Cause I’m pretty sure Virge has a fan about him that’s just as big as Rainbow Weaver.”

“You know what, go back to your internship and shove your head in a toxic waste tank,” Virgil quipped with flushed cheeks “nobody wanted you here anyway.”

“Hey, you never know, I might gain powers like Rainbow Weaver,” Morgan smirked triumphantly “then I’ll be the one meeting him.”

Logan smirked mysteriously, “Doubtful.”

---

Roman had just finished cleaning the last of the dishes when a buzz was heard throughout the apartment. He was quick to wipe his hands as he moved pasted the kitchen table where the twins were doing homework, ruffling Marco’s hair in the process. The younger gave off an annoyed whine as he swatted his older brother’s hand away who chuckled to himself as he reached the buzzer box and pressed the call button.

“Who is it?” Roman asked.

“It’s Virgil, buzz me in.” The voice responded.

“Sure, give me a minute,” Roman replied, pressing another button before heading off towards his room to retrieve his backpack and set up in the living room. He did not for the life of him trust the twins by themselves, little demons could get into loads of trouble the second you look away from them.

“Who’s that?” Jenni asked, inspecting over her macaroni art project.

“A…friend?” Roman said tentatively “We’re gunna do homework, that’s all you need to know so keep the noise down to a minimum when you guys are done, okay?”

“Is it Patton?” Marco asked excitingly, he always liked when Patton came over, Patton usually spoiled the two with homemade treats.

“No, it’s not Patton.” Roman said, rummaging through his back for the notes Logan gave him.

“Then who is he?” Jenni asked, curiosity finally pulling her away from her glittery macaroni art disaster. Roman groaned at the thought of having to clean that up later.

“Just, uh, guy from a club I’m in,” Roman explained begrudgingly “we have to do a project together, that’s all.”

“Why didn’t you pick Patton as your partner?” Marco asked, half disappointed he would be getting sweets but also curious as to who this new person was.

“Because the teacher chose them for us.” Roman responded bluntly.

“Why?” Jenni asked.

“Because the school system is a dumb-dumb.” Roman said tiredly.

“Why?” Marco asked.

“Why are you guys so invested in this?” Roman snapped, he didn’t mean to but he was already on edge as it was. Virgil and him had a rocky relationship as it was, they were co-workers at best after the whole spider power thing, but even so he had no idea where he stood with him. He knew exactly where he stood with everybody else; Patton was his best friend, Thomas was his mentor and Logan was a nuisance though still fun to poke at. Virgil was just a wild card, sometimes they got along and sometimes they didn’t, it was a weird line they walked and Roman had no idea what step was the wrong step and which one was the right.

“Is he your boyfriend?” Jenni sang, Marco giggling beside her as Roman’s face lit up in red hot flames. “Absolutely not!”

---

Vigil found himself once more taking his time climbing up the stairs when there was a perfectly functioning elevator. The realization of what he was doing and where he was going finally hit him after seeing Morgan and Logan out after dinner. He was going to Roman Marigold’s apartment, Roman Marigold, quite possibly the most annoying human being in the entire school next to Dolion.

It’s not that Roman seemed like a bad guy, he was actually pretty decent when his giant ego was in check and wasn’t jumping off buildings unexpectedly. But for some reason he just got under Virgil’s skin and knew what buttons to press to get a reaction out of him. Though he had no ide if he was doing it to be mean or it was just this weird thing between them. When Roman fought with Logan you always kind of got this vibe that they…not liked each other though it seems like they had mutual respect. But when he and Roman fought it varied on what the situation was, sometimes it could be Disney banters, playful bickering, full on heated debates, or just poking insults. It was weird and Virgil had no idea what to do with it.

He finally reached the door and just as he was about to knock, he heard giggling and a high pitch screech. “Absolutely not!”

Maybe this was bad time, he should probably go back, Virgil didn’t want to be caught in the middle of any family disputes if this was what it was. But he didn’t move to leave, nor did he move to knock again, he just stood there frozen in perpetual confusion and panic, listening to the conversation beyond the door.

Tiny voices sang in a jumpy school yard tune, “Roman’s got a boyfriend! Roman’s got a boyfriend!”

“I do not!” Came the embarrassed reply that Virgil could only guess was Roman.

Virgil clasped a hand over his mouth so as to repress the giggle threatening to slip. It was absolutely hilarious to hear the pristine ego maniac that is Roman Marigold get flustered and loss his cool due to, what sounded like, a bunch of little kids taunting him. Even so it wasn’t very appropriate of him to be eavesdropping on people’s conversations, no matter how hilarious or ridiculous they may seem, so he made quick work of knocking on the door.

It opened almost immediately, a red cheeked Roman staring intently at him, “Oh, you’re here.”

“Yeah, I buzzed you like five minutes ago, remember?” Virgil smirked “We’re you talking to someone?”

“No! No, just…you know,” The flamboyant teen made a vague gesture with his hands “things?”

“Things?” Virgil echoed with an odd look.

Roman nodded and it was suddenly quiet for a long time. Virgil awkwardly standing in the hallway while Roman fidgeted against the door frame, both staring intently at each other without blinking. Finally, a cough from behind Roman snapped them both out of their stupor. They turned to find two smirking children peeking out from behind the living room couch, no doubt Roman’s siblings, they were practically mini carbon copies.

Roman glared at them while Virgil gave a shy wave before asking, “Can I come in now?”

“Oh, uh, yeah.” Roman stuttered, quickly stepping aside to let Virgil in.

---

Morgan had gotten them tickets to the planetarium viewing of Dark Universe at the American Museum of National History as well as general passes for the rest of the museum. Logan was admittingly excited to go, it’s been a long time since he’s been to a planetarium especially one as grand as the Hayden Planetarium. But on the other hand, the awkward silence between Logan and his brother during the entire taxi ride here was very heavy and uncomfortable. Not that Morgan wasn’t trying to make conversation it’s just that Logan was snubbing them out as quickly as he was thinking them.

Dinner with other people was one thing, an outing by themselves was another. There weren’t other people to buffer out the awkward when things got slow or stale. They use to go on outings together all the time, talking endlessly for hours and hour far into the night, discussing the universe, life, and anything else they could think of. But that was then, this was now, and as of now they haven’t hung out properly in a long time plus Logan’s parents weren’t really helping him warm up to the whole situation. Regardless if Morgan was able to diverge the conversation near the end or not there was still that…tension.

“So…have you ever seen Dark Universe before?” Morgan asked as the lazily walked inside the building, the display of planets across the outside of the planetarium quiet distracting. There were two entrance into the museum, at the front where the famed t-rex statue was displayed and the back where the Earth and Science exhibits were.

“They were going to take us last year for a school field trip but the bus broke down and we missed the showing.” Logan shrugged, looking around at all the displays of planets, stars and solar systems.

“Ah, well that means it’ll be a first viewing for both of us,” Morgan said cheerily, dramatically raising a fist in the air “a bonding experience we shall never forget!”

Logan raised an eyebrow at his brother’s weird display who in turn shyly put his hand down, “Uh, anyway, how’s life? How’s school? How’s that club you got going?”

“It’s fine,” Logan said simply “everything is functioning as it should, it’s only the beginning of the first semester so nothing much has happened. Well, except for…a complication.”

“Yeah, mom and dad told me what happened,” Morgan sighed, a bitter sneer on his face “I still can’t believe there’s jerks like that out there.”

“Indeed,” Logan nodded “but it’s nothing to get worked up over, it’s not like it was the root of the whole ordeal. I was merely…defending a friend from certain public humiliation.”

“Who were they anyway?” Morgan asked before clarifying “The friend you helped out, are they in that club you made?”

“Uh, yes,” Logan said bashfully, a light pink dusking his cheeks “his name is – Patton?”

Logan froze in his tracks, his brother taking a second to notice, because there near a display of Halley’s comet was Patton Foster. He was wearing a stunning high waist space print skirt, black leggings, a soft looking baby blue crop top sweater, and black boots. He also wore sparkly silver star droop earrings and a matching moon neckless, as well as glittery silver clips in his hair. Patton had yet to notice Logan staring, too enraptured in reading over the little facts beside the display, and the genus will forever be grateful for that.

“Who’s that?” Morgan asked, snapping Logan out of his daze.

“Uh, no one,” Logan said much too quickly “l-let’s take a short cut another direction, I think I saw a map that showed the way.”

Morgan smirked deviously, “They don’t look like no one, you obviously know their name.”

Logan was screwed.

“H-he’s just a friend from school, I don’t want to bother him,” Logan sputtered nervously “let’s just go somewhere else so we won’t disturb his evening.”

“Hey, there’s no harm in saying hi,” Morgan chuckled, grabbing onto his brother’s arm so he wouldn’t scurry way “plus, he’s looking this way already.”

“What?” Logan squeaked.

True to his word, Patton had seen them and was now waving at them with that big, bright, beautiful smile of his. Morgan, the devil, waved back just as enthusiastically as he dragged Logan along with him because he’s was half certain Logan was frozen stiff. As they got closer Patton seemingly decided to meet them half way, bright eyed and springy as ever.

“Hey Lo, I didn’t think I’d see you here,” Patton smiled, he looked to Morgan curiously “is this your brother?”

“So, he does talk about me,” Morgan joked and Logan died “all good things I hope.”

Patton giggled, a pleasant bell to Logan’s ears, “Only in passing conversation but being that your brothers I can only assume you’re just as smart and amazing as he is.”

Morgan smiled big and wide, leaning down near Logan in an exaggerated whisper, “I like him, keep him around.”

Logan wasn’t a violent man by nature but annoying sibling could just so easily get under your skin and drive you to murder. “What brings you to the museum Patton? It was my assumption you were on an outing with your brothers.”

Patton pouted, blowing out a huff of air, “Yeah, Alex went to flirt with receptionist lady and Georgie left to drag him back. Alex won a raffle at work and won tickets to this show at the planetarium called Dark Universe. I’m honestly kind of nervous, I don’t really know what it’s about and the title doesn’t seem too pleasant.”

“No need to worry Patton,” Logan assured “it’s simply a documentary displaying the wonders of our universe while providing commentary. Nothing scary or abnormal, I promise.”

“Oh good,” Patton sighed in relief “I was worried that-”

“Ahk, Georgie! Put me down!”

“Stop behaving like a child and I’ll think about it. Where’s Patton?”

“I think he’s over there? Hey! Hey, Pat! Yhoohoo! We’re over here!”

Patton’s face morphed into something between embarrassment and annoyance as he reached up to pinch the bridge of his nose. He seemed to be actively avoiding making eye contact with the two squabbling giants heading towards them. They looked to be the perfect size for professional football players or basketball players or both, point is they were huge compared to petite Patton who landed just under Logan’s nose. Then again, Logan was pretty tall though not as tall as those two…where were they?

---

Out of all the places and times to run into Logan outside of school and/or hero training this would have been the perfect place but it was simply just the WORST time. Patton didn’t mind evenings out with his brothers, he liked spending time with them and the outings were usually fun. Their antics, specifically Alex being troubling making dork while Georgie forcefully drags him out of trouble and Patton watches helplessly by the sidelines, were amusing at best but annoying most of the time.

Don’t get Patton wrong, he loved his brothers with all his heart but sometimes they (*cough*Alex*cough*) had no shame what-so-ever. Great for Georgie who wasn’t afraid of a few staring eyes when pulling his brothers out of trouble, not great for Alex who is such a drama queen he makes Roman look tame. Outing with his brothers were not meant to be witnessed by anyone but the strangers of Manhattan who they’ll never see again, NOT cute boys that Patton kind of sort of had a crush on.

Patton gave Logan and his brother his best smile, though it was very obviously forced, “Excuse me.”

He quickly whizzed around to face his brothers, forced smile still displayed on his face, “I heard you the first time Alex, everyone could.”

Alex, who was hazardously draped over Georgie’s shoulder like a sack of flour, simply pouted as he wiggled out of his elder brother’s grip, “Just making sure, you seemed distracted. Who’re the nerds?”

Georgie smacked Alex across the head, “Be polite.”

“Ow, geez,” Alex whined, rubbing his sore skull “you can kill someone with those hands Georgie. Like in that movie Green House!”

“Green Mile.” Georgie corrected cooly.

Alex snapped his fingers, “That’s the one, anyway, back to the nerds.” Another smack “Ow, hey! I didn’t mean it, it was a joke! See they ain’t bothered!”

Patton took a deep and steady breath as he turned back to the Quinn brothers with an embarrassed smile, “Logan, Morgan, these are my older brothers: Georgie and Alex. Georgie and Alex, this is my friend Logan and his older brother, Morgan. They came to watch the space show too.”

Georgie nodded while Alex gave a false salute, “Sup.”

“How do you do?” Logan said politely as he and his brother stuck out their hands to shake.

Georgie was quick to shake both their hands as was Alex but he paused when he got to Logan, leaning down to intensely stare at him. Patton wanted to scream, truly he did, but that would just let Alex figure everything out that much quicker as well as cause a scene.

“Logan, huh,” Alex hummed as he leaned forward and Logan visibly gulped as he leaned back “where have I heard that name before? I know you ain’t related to that Paul guy from YouTube because you actually look respectable.”

Patton slapped a hand over his face, “Oh my god…”

“He’s one of the boys in the club Pat’s help make.” Georgie said helpfully, not at all fazed by his brother’s borderline interrogation on poor Logan.

“Oh yeah,” Alex nodded, finally letting go of Logan’s hand and giving him proper personal space “you guys made that, uh…what’s the politically correct term for this? I don’t wanna offend anyone.”

“To late.” Patton mumbled grimly.

“LGBTQ+ Youth Group.” Georgie provided.

“Jesus that’s a mouth full,” Alex sighed before pondering once more “nah, but other then that I swear I heard Patton mention that name before just…can’t remember.”

Patton sighed in relief, Thank god!

“Wait I know!” Alex exclaimed.

Shit!

Alex became giddy with excitement, a mischievous twinkle in his eyes that just spelled doom for Patton. “He’s that bo – mmhf!”

Georgie was swift yet casual as he slapped a large hand over Alex’s mouth and began to drag him away, “The show is starting soon, we should grab seats together.”

Internally Patton was crying, Georgie was a saint and he definitely deserved a special cake baked in his honor. Externally Patton sighed tiredly once more, giving Logan and Morgan an apologetic smile. “Sorry about them, well, mainly Alex. He’s…a lot sometimes.”

Morgan shrugged, “Brothers, what can you do about them? This guy was a terror when he was younger, he would use his diapers as – oof!” Morgan groaned in pain as Logan elbowed him in the stomach, eyes shut in annoyance and left brow twitching.

Patton giggled, glad not to be the only one being teased by his older brothers, “Older brothers huh?”

“Quite unfortunate are we, huh?” Logan chuckled breathlessly.

“Seriously, what are mom and dad feeding you? I almost puked my guts out!” Morgan wheezed.

---

This was a terrible idea! This was a terrible, awful idea! Why did Thomas think this was a good idea? Why was he even listening to Patton’s advice, he was pretty sure the kid was mostly joking? But here her was at that same damn alley way, in civilian clothes, looking across the street into a familiar little coffee shop with a familiar red headed barista taking down orders behind the register. Thomas groaned, scrubbing his heads over his face, he looked like a fucking stalker, seriously!

He had convinced himself to take a quick brake before heading out on patrol again, maybe grab a cup of coffee to wake him up a bit. It wasn’t his fault the shop just so happened to be near by and hey if that cute guy just so happened to be working there at this time it wasn’t like a big deal. It wasn’t like he knew who Thomas was so he could just be casual, order a coffee, strike up a conversation, nothing big. But now he was here across the street and he saw the guy smile and laugh at something his co-worker said and Thomas just got weak in the knees.

“Why am I here?” Thomas groaned, leaning back against the grimy alley wall “I don’t even know his name! All I know is that he can’t seem to stay out of trouble!”

He looked back into the coffee shop, it seemed to be a slow day, only three or so customs lounging around in the sitting area as cute red head wiped down the counter. Okay, so the good news was there wasn’t much people so Thomas didn’t have to rush when he inevitably stuttered out his order. Bad news was he still had to muster up the courage to go in and talk to him and that was never gunna happen.

It was then he noticed a shady looking guy walk past him and across the street, his hood flipped up and shoulders scrunched in. He looked like the typical grumpy New Yorker that only seemed threatening but Thomas is spidy sense told him otherwise. Plus, he was definitely not hiding that gun, which was tucked in the back of his jeans like some stupid idiot wanna-be gang member, very well.

Thomas was quick to sprint across the street without the hoodlum seeing him, just beating him to the door by a moment. Thomas swung the door open at about half strength smacking the criminal right in the face. An audible crack was heard sending the criminal falling backwards with a bloody nose and maybe a minor concussion. Thomas made sure to ham up his clumsy civilian act.

“Oh gosh man! I’m so, so sorry!” Thomas gasped, helping the man up right with the intention of sneaking a hand around to disarm the gun “Are you alright?”

“Do I fucking look alright you stupid idiot!” The man snapped, much to distracted with the pain of his face to notice the faint clicking noises behind him. Talyn had shown Thomas how to dismantle a gun with one hand their freshman year of college, he doesn’t know why they know that but he’s thankful for it because it makes his job so much easier.

“Sorry dude, can I do anything to help?” Thomas asked in an artificially sweet voice.

“No, fuck off!” The man growled, quick to turn head with his tail between his legs, embarrassed by job never done.

Thomas watched him leave down the alley way, depositing the bullet clip he swiped into a nearby trash bin before heading inside. He noticed the speckles of blood on the glass door as he entered and grimaced with guilt. Once fully through Thomas finally noticed that the red head was staring at him and it dawned on him that he probably witnessed the whole ordeal and though he was a clumsy oaf.

“Uh, sorry about the door,” Thomas said, rubbing a hand behind his neck “If you got some paper towels, I’ll, uh, clean it up for you guys if you want?”

The red head’s eyes were wide with shock, steel blue eyes piercing into Thomas is soul, “That guy was gunna mug us.”

Thomas sputtered in response, “Uh, he – um…”

“I saw him across the street openly stalking the café all day today,” The red head scoffed “he wasn’t really subtle about it. He was probably waiting for us to wind down for the night.”

“Wait,” Thomas squinted suspiciously “if you knew he was gunna rob the place why didn’t you call the police?”

The red head rolled his eyes, “We did, but to them he wasn’t doing anything wrong until now. Stupid cops…” He smiled charmingly “but you came down here pretty quick and practically bashed his skull in. What are you, some sort of vigilante?”

“N-no!” Thomas gulped “I-it’s just I…I saw his gun and I couldn’t just stand there!”

“Well, you could have gotten yourself hurt too.” The red head countered.

Thomas gave a breathless chuckle, “Trust me, I’m not as defenseless as most people think I am.”

The red head giggled, placing his chin to the palm of his hand, “Oh yeah?”

“If it helps, I disarmed his gun before anything?” Thomas said bashfully, fiddling with the sleeves of his jacket.

The red head’s eyes went wide again, “What, did you do it with one hand?”

“Yeah?” Thomas said hesitantly, this guy was way more observant then Thomas previously thought “If you wanna check, the gun clip is still in the trash bin.”

The red head laughed joyously, a beautiful melody to Thomas is ears, “You really are something! So, what can I get my hero tonight? On the house of course.”

“Oh no, I don’t want to bother-” Thomas began only to get cut off by another joyful laugh “Bother all you want, you just saved my ass from being mugged.”

“It was no trouble,” Thomas shrugged, a goofy smile surely on his face “it-it really wasn’t a big deal.”

“Well it was a big deal to me, practically saved my life,” The red head smiled, grabbing a large cup and a sharpie “so what’s your name Tiger?”

Thomas’s stomach filled with a million butterflies at the mention of the familiar nickname before clearing his extremely dry throat, “Uh…Thomas…Sanders.”

The red head paused a moment, sharpie delicately poised over the edge of the coffee cup as he chewed over his bottom lip in thought. A ghost of a smile formed across his face, that seemed very familiar now that Thomas thought about it, giving out a breathless laugh. “Thomas Sanders, huh?”

“Uh, yeah?” Thomas knew that he got recognized often but by fans but it was usually by his face not by his name. Not to sound vain or anything but a lot of times he didn’t need to tell people who he was for them to recognize him. But this guy didn’t seem like he was a fan…still, he looked vaguely familiar.

“Well, I’m MJ, in case you didn’t notice.” He pointed to the name tag on his chest that Thomas was now just recognizing because he was too gay to look at anything else but this guys cute face.

“What does that stand for?” Thomas asked curiously.

He paused again before that same smile returned to his face, “Matthew Jones…Watson.”

“Matthew Jones Watson,” Thomas said aloud, rolling the words of his tongue as if testing out how they sound in his voice “MJ…I like it.”

And obviously that was a stupid thing to say aloud because it made him sound like some sort of weirdo who goes around judging names. But MJ giggled, light and airy, with a smile that could light up all of Manhattan. “Thanks…I’m glad.”

Tags: (sorry if it doesn’t work, Tumblr is stupid)

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[imagine-by-susu]

Dean Winchester x Muslim!Reader

A/N: People seem to enjoy my Muslim!Reader and for the anon, here is one with Dean Winchester. Hopefully I did everything as accurate as possible and didn’t offend anyone o.o Word Count: 1045 GIF IS NOT MINE _______________________________________________________________________

“Okay, listen Sam, I am pretty sure that this is a Wendigo going rampage.” Dean explained in the car as his brother looked through the files on his laptop. “Dean, I am not sure that…” but Dean interrupted his little brother, his eyes still fixed on the road before him. “You said that one of the survivors said that could hear their partner shouting loudly in the cave and that after he vanished. I don’t think that he survived but the a Wendigo ate him. Wendigos are known for imitating voices of humans.” Sam sighed and closed the Laptop to turn a bit to his brother. “Yeah, but not only Wendigos can do that Dean.” but Dean had none of it as he pulled into a Motel Parking lot. Both men entered the motel room after they received the key from the motel owner. Dean let his duffle bag fall down onto the ground before he jumped onto the bed to lay down. Sam laid his bag onto the chair that was in the room and sighed. “Dean, really, we should gather more information. When this isn’t a Wendigo, we would’ve a big problem.” Dean growled in annoyance. He was tiered from the long drive to the motel and his bothers bickering didn’t help at all. “When you are so worried than do your research, I’ll take a nap.” and with that he laid back down and closed his eyes. Sam gave him a glare but sighed. - Dean woke up hours later. In months he hadn’t slept that long probably, but damn it felt good. While he looked around the dark motel room he nearly jumped out of his skin as he saw a woman sitting at the desk. Reacting quickly he grabbed his gun from under his pillow and pointed it at her. Unimpressed the woman looked up from her phone to look at Dean. “Well this is a nice greeting.” she gave him a light smile and before Dean could question her who she was and how she got in his motel room the front door opened and Sam returned with a bag, probably some burgers. “Oh, you are awake.” he stated, putting down the bag onto the table. Sam rolled his eyes as his brother still pointed the gun at the girl. “Dean, put the gun down.” he demanded but Dean only squinted his at her but she rose her hands. “Hey, it’s alright, I would react the same way.” than she got up and walked up to Dean. “Hey, I am (Y/N) (Y/L/N) and I can assure you that you are not hunting a Wendigo but a Djinn. You’re welcome.” she introduced herself with sickingly sweet smile. Slowly Dean put the gun down, look at his brother and back to (Y/N), silently questioning what happened after he fell asleep. “You were sleeping like a rock and since I couldn’t find any more evidence on the internet, I walked to the nearest bar, did some questioning and then I met (Y/N). She is a hunter just like us.” he explained quickly and (Y/N) nodded at that. “Yeah, I followed that Djinn for some time now. A tricky one I can tell you.” Dean shook his head. “A Djinn?” he asked not fully awake as he noticed and (Y/N) nodded. “Yes, a Djinn and I thought you were the best.” she laughed at that and Dean growled. “Well, we are not as good in Islamic folklores as you.” Sam stated with a light awkward grin and she grinned at the tall man. “I grew up with this. This is my culture, so I am somewhat an expert on this topic.” she explained. Dean got up from the bed going through his bed hair. “Wait…what..?” he asked still not getting things wrapped around his head. “Man, you really need to pay attention more.” (Y/N) stated while Sam grinned in triumph. “So, when you are a Muslim why aren’t you wearing one of these head thingies.” Dean stated, Sams eyes widen while (Y/N) glared at him. “First of all this ‘head thingie’ is called hijab and second of all every woman can choose to wear it or not. Only because you chose not to wear doesn’t mean I love Allah less. Stupid Christians people.” she muttered the last sentence under her breath. In her life she encountered many of these people. People who think they know anything about other religions, believing what media and different sources say no matter if it is wrong or right. Dean held up his hands in defense. “Whoa, okay little Lady, I am sorry.” he said shortly glancing at Sam who nodded at him in approval. “So, what are we gonna do about the Djinn?” he asked making the girl smile again. Now, it was her time to show the famous Winchester boys what she had in her. - “That was a god damn good move from you (Y/N). Thanks for saving our asses.” Dean said crawling out of the cave followed by his brother and (Y/N). “Couldn’t done it with your good work. I know why everyone is praising you wherever I go.” Dean gave one of his signature grins at that. “Hey, what about a beer, I think we all deserved it.” he suggested and Sam sighed but nodded along, a break sounded wonderful after they defeated the Djinn. “Alright, beer it is then, but I need to hit the road soon again. Monsters don’t rest and neither should we.” (Y/N) said making Dean only nod at that. “Yeah, you’re right. Got to admit that I’ll miss your snarky remarks.” (Y/N) laughed at that. “Well, then just ask if I want to stay.” it was now her turn to smirk. “Should I leave you two alone?” Sam asked mockingly piping up behind them as he felt a bit left out. “Wow, what a Mood killer.” (Y/N) mumbled bit laughed a little while Dean tried to hide his blush. “Let’s talk about it over a beer.” Dean suggested and grabbed (Y/N) hand to drag her to the Impala while Sam smiled lightly and shaking his head at that. Only days prior Dean nearly shot (Y/N) on the spot and now he wouldn’t let her out of his sight.

[choupichoups]

I agree with anon who said the thing about Daphne however I also agree and totally understand what you said. Sometimes it can be hard to understand that not everyone is a ‘bad’ person but I guess it’s easier to have that view point when ur not part of the demographic she’s shading or something. Does anything I just said make any sense ? 😂😂 what I’m trying to say is that some of the things daphne said this season did throw me off and it ruined some things for me but idk. No hate btw !!

Yup, don’t worry I totally get what you’re saying! This bout to get sorta deep though so look away now if you don’t wanna get sucked into this long and slightly (only slightly, gOTTA KEEP THE MYSTERY ALIVE!!) personal response. 

Not sure if everyone knows but I am indirectly part of the demographic she’s shading— I’m not white. I’m very visibly Asian despite the mix in my blood and grew up very, very religious. I’m not kidding, pals, this is gonna be hard to believe but I didn’t even swear in high school.

I had the same problems of misconceptions about how I lived my life as Sana and Imane. People had a hard time understanding why I don’t drink, smoke, hook up, etc. and every time I’d do or say something that’s not considered “proper” my friends would throw my religion (mostly false material, ya know how it is) back in my face. I had a close group of friends, more than one ‘Daphne’ among them, it was a stressful time. I got accused of homophobia TWICE (me!!!! the audacity!!! the gall!!!!), with one friend actually ghosting me all of a sudden, solely due to the fact that I am The Christian Girl™, I had the same experience watching someone close to me get together with the person I like simply because I can’t be as ~available~ as they are. Seriously, the tears I shed during Sana’s season were not A Joke, I was Very Triggered. 

I’m not muslim but I saw parts of myself in Sana and I’m not black but I experience racism just like Imane. And yeah, I know, racism in Canada?? In this day and age?? If I had a secret camera on my forehead, you’d be surprised at the shit you’ll see.

I have 3 very ridiculous examples off the top of my head actually, ranging from hateful to plain stupidity:

1.) When I used to work in customer service, an Italian man scoffed and asked for someone else because he wanted someone who would “understand his words better”. My white coworker told him the exact same thing I did and he believed her. The best part of this? I don’t even hAVE AN ACCENT. JUST ADMIT YOU DON’T LIKE MY FACE AND GO.

2.) Y’all recall that Pokemon Go craze? I don’t play that game but I was walking with my head down at one point, typing up a very long text message, when two white boys started singing the Pokemon theme song at me lmao like wow so cool of you yes the Japanese girl on her phone must be playing that weird Asian animal game!! So cool of you!!!

3.) Last one would be my brother’s friend who went up to me and the conversation went like this:

“Hey! Were you at campus the other day?”

“No, I’ve been off for a week now.”

“Ohhhh haha, must’ve been someone else then. I was so confused cause you all look alike right? So I was like is that her or no?”

No, Nancy, we do not all look alike. I have never seen anyone with the same face as mine, but thank you for your input. Wanna know something? The person who said this was black. Point is, no one is immune to dumbass juice.

Anyway, maybe in my oLD and wISE age (jk I ain’t) I start to see which comments/actions are straight up vicious and which ones come from ignorance. Or maybe I’m just not the type to see black and white despite all this bullshit. And no, I don’t call people out all the time, nobody does that irl like… that would be super tiring. But I do get mad. I get hella angry every time this happens. Just because I understand that not everyone who spews stupid things isn’t inherently a bad person doesn’t mean I don’t respond with snark.

The main skam characters are shades of gray and that’s probably why I like the show so much? Idk, feels good, feels organic. Of course I don’t wanna see my favourite characters suffering and having fallouts with their friends/significant others but I also don’t wanna see perfect characters who constantly do no wrong cause lbr, teenagers? Like… I did everything wrong… maybe at the time I thought I was hot shit but no…. teenage Kari…. you were… wrong….. all the goddamn time. Actually, even present me is wrong a lot of times too so let’s rephrase that: People in general, not just teenagers, are stupid sometimes. 

Aight end rant Skam is just very important to me ok I don’t talk about it cause I don’t like negativity but it does bother me when people are so quick to “cancel” the girl squad or Sofiane or whoever fucked up. It’s okay to have beef with them (hell, I got mad at them too) for what they did but I just don’t like them being painted as “bad” or “evil” in any way. Cause they’re not.

[zepdeans]

this is highkey like a month late (i mean wbk im a chronic scatterbrain procrastinator) and she’s thicccc but without further ado. my skam s4 thoughts.

I first just want to say a couple things: im not a muslim woc so my thoughts on s4 don’t hold as much value as those of a muslim, woc, or a muslim woc. I also don’t know to what degree sana’s representation was true to real life. I made an effort to look for posts from muslim woc on sana’s season but to no real avail, especially given it’s been two years since skam ended and a lot of blogs have deactivated, changed urls, or posts have become buried :( [if you know of any good posts regarding sana’s season please lmk!]. from what I can recall in 2017, there were mixed opinions on s4 with most being upset (or at least disappointed) with the ultimate execution of sana’s storyline and I agree w that. while s4 means so much to me and has a really special place in my heart, I do 100% acknowledge its flaws. ok!!!!!! lets get into it😤

ep1 -as much as I wished isak stayed in kollektivet I’m glad he and even had a rlly sweet happy time this entire season. also evak making their friends move all their furniture while they whisper romantic shit to each other and makeout? peak comedy -you fuckin wish!!! -sana is the one to say “of course you should tell noora about william”.. she Knew and still takes the fall for it :( -this opening clip is such a jarring shift into sana’s pov!! e.g. while easy to overlook in previous seasons, sana’s exclusion from the girls is glaringly obvious once we’re looking through her eyes -adding onto that! sana is the friend who notices everyone else- she’s so observant, which hurts even more when you notice her friends don’t do the same (except mayhaps chris- in my heart of hearts I know chris is also the friend who notices and goes unnoticed, but unfortunately we don’t get enough of her and sana’s relationship this season to fully see that) -yousef and the balloon squad’s entrance.... ICONIC! also I cant believe for 2 seasons they presented those dickbag nissen 97s as the be all end all of hot amazing boys when the bakka third years were RIGHT THERE like,, the penetrators vs. balloon squad + even? no contest ma’am -also! it’s so interesting that we literally had no idea sana had a brother, or that yousef etc existed until now? it’s as if she has a whole private world at home, separate from her friends and nissen (and I think a theme of this season is those two worlds merging) -im obsessed w the yousana train scene but yousef being the only one who notices sana standing off to the side? ;-; -fy faen is such a stunning clip oh my god. when sana leaves to pray? possibly my favourite skam scene ever. it’s exquisite.  -sana is so cute and awkward squeezing thru the crowd shsdhgfhshdf I LOVE her love her -the last shot on yousef and noora... oh my GOD oh my god bc like. being that friend who never ever tells your real feelings or your crushes or is vulnerable with your friends?? and then having to listen to them talk about how good your crush would be with someone else (especially one of ur friends) while ur sitting there silently dying inside? and you don’t say anything since you can’t be vulnerable with your friends and u don’t think u stand a chance anyways so. (in the words of s3 noora. I think sana struck a nerve with the emotional unavailability! abbey r u ok) -this episode is a masterpiece and did such a phenomenal job of both introducing us to sana’s perspective while also touching on a multitude of her struggles AND establishing the themes of the season. plus the cinematography, editing, soundtrack and aesthetic...... o baby. (case in point I deadass just rewatched it after writing this)

ep2 -every shot of sana praying is beautiful (and beautifully edited!!) -sana’s room is usually messy... not smart enough to fully analyze this but I’m sure it means something  -an interesting contrast of what’s expected of her vs. of elias- I can’t speak for muslim families, but I know even in non-muslim families girls are always held to suchhh a higher standard (source: I have 2 brothers rip) -”if you find immaturity charming” hilarious bc sana actually does in fact find immaturity charming  -what’s interesting is how noora comes across in sana’s POV- kinda obnoxious, kinda ignorant, seemingly perfect (compared to how noora is portrayed in eva’s season, for example) -even is one of those ppl who uses the bill gates argument on why dropping out of school makes u richer sdfhfsjskfjfsd -sana staring down the pepsi max squad. fuck em up. -vilde adding magnus to the groupchat jfkjsjfdjfsfsdkj -isak missing eskild :’) sidenote I fucking live for isak and sana’s chats this season. they’re literally my lifeblood like.... 

ep3 -the kiss me scene god I go FERAL -“you need to pull it towards you, not push it away. okay?” yall mind if i SCREAM!! YOUSEF!!!!!!!!!! -there rlly is something about seeing sana, who in everyone else’s POV comes off as cold and harsh and stoic, just absolutely meltinggg when she talks w yousef like she doesn’t stop smiling she’s so sweet!!!! ah🥰 and yousef is 100% that guy who ppl tell “your gf is so intimidating and ruthless bro” and he’s like are y’all talking about sana??????? my baby?? my fuckin cinnamon apple????? -yousef’s lil smile watching sana peel carrots. 911 it’s me again -vilde and sana’s relationship has a really interesting dynamic bc like.. vilde says ignorant shit to sana while also genuinely looking up to her. and sana is probably the harshest to vilde within the group but it’s because she actually values their friendship a lot  -IM HURT BECAUSE YOU NEVER REPLIED TO MY MEME -sana pulling 2yr old receipts off the top of her head to defend vilde. god I stan -sana doin research taking notes..... shameful she isn’t canonically a virgo (honestly her and isak both but like-) -she’s so soft and smiley w her mamma awh... “of course he likes you, who doesn’t like you?” her mamma only knows the real, gentle, beautiful loving sana oh im CRY -even is so kind and loving and thoughtful yall mind if i....... -”you can’t escape the internet girl” foreshadowing mayhaps?

ep4 -david and ulrikke together are fucking hilarious -noora’s “you’re lucky you don’t have to think about this stuff, heartbreak and that” :/ it’s not just vilde who says ignorant things to sana! -that being said sana and noora are cute asf in the exper5 scene.. dorky noora rise (omg josefine and her yogurt in the bloopers too sjhfkjdf) -I HANDLE BALLS BETTER THAN YOU -the yousana scene is sooo gorgeous whew...... -I always cry a lil bit (ok a lot) when yousef brings up even. and sana knew too. even sweetie ily :( -sana talking about her religion is beautiful. it’s so lovely to learn about how she thinks and sees the world. -yousef’s smile watching sana leave like ur kidding right....... -“flawless since 99″ is so cringey. it’s so cringeyyy -sana uses “smh” I knew we were soulmates

ep5 -eavesdropping on ur parent/brother’s argument is peak sibling culture -when ur always paranoid but ur always right..... -sana’s green jumpsuit sign me up babey -I really really really love elias and sana’s conversation -u dont even realize how tiny sana is until she’s standing next to isak and even -not finding out why yousef avoided the fight and why he kissed noora will haunt me forever (could we not have expanded more on that instead of noorhelm.......) -the parallel of sana washing isak’s blood off her hands vs. her washing her hands during maghrib in episode 1. gotta sit down. -vilde gossiping to the pepsimax girls stings SO bad it’s just such a betrayal?:( -“the other girls seem cool, especially noora! she’s so pretty!” ok much to unpack here but: sana again comparing herself to noora (who she sees as /perfect/)... sana being written off despite putting so much effort and passion into the russ bus while noora, who has done literally nothing and at best is indifferent to russ, is the one they like the most. disgusteng -love will tear us apart.. bitch..... -sana abt to cry god I can’t -if sana is anything like me (I mean I think she is but jkjjkhsdfhfsd). looking stupid is the absolute worst so like, her sending out emails abt being bus boss when she was actually being lied to? being played? and her being “paranoid” about sara being shady, but deciding hey maybe im just being crazy? except she wasn’t she was right and she Knew!! and she’s probably thinking how dumb it was for her to get her hopes up, everything always ends badly anyways and no one actually likes her :((((((( -dont rlly know what my feelings are on the fight. im not against it bc isak does have a temper but his apparent motive always seemed weak to me?? and god I feel so bad for even

ep6 -forgot about sana getting bullied in middle school yall mind if I sob?? -sana lying and getting defensive bc it’s hard to be vulnerable, or because she hates looking stupid? or both?:( -isak looking up dandelions in his textbook just bc even put one behind his ear. I HATE this man -sana’s dad asking if she had a bad day aw :( -all the boys (and sana) wearing black but yousef wearing white.... what does it mean.............. -the carrots are back goddammit -radio station playing during this scene: “if I have to choose between the just non-muslim and the unjust muslim, without any doubt I would choose the non-muslim who is just” -ISAK’S NOSE SFFJDFJFSDKJSDF -sana’s text about chris I’m going to bawl my eyes out.           “yeah! looking forward (to going to nissen) but a bit worried. don’t know               anyone else starting there.”           (J: new friends?) “yes, at least one of them. I have german with her (chris)           and she’s very cool!” -the contrast of how blunt sana came off when we’re first introduced to her vs. how she was really just excited to make a new friend bc she was scared no one would like her :( especially knowing her past with bullying and how nervous she was to start at nissen? chris baby I LOVE YOU thank u ;-; -also sana keeping 2yr old conversations on her phone... same -sana is honestly too smart and scheming and overthinking for her own good. she has these elaborate plans that more-or-less always get ruined by her being more kind than she gives herself credit for (e.g. wanting to protect vilde in s1, clearing isak’s name in s4) -everyone in skam texts back so fast smh -chris calling sana “sonic”...... a moment please -I cannot watch the sana/evak apartment scene without thinking of the bloopers and losing it lmfaoooo.. “this is where we live. just come in” -ik it’s based off fanart but there is little I hate more than their matching outfits  -“remember you’re both geniuses!” 🥺even  -once again isak studying is uhhhh me - “you’re a good person” yall i love isak i really do. he puts his foot in his mouth pretty often and doesn’t have a great brain-to-mouth filter and he can be awkward and rambly and blunt and unsure of what to say in emotional situations but also? he’s so genuine. it’s just his honest thoughts and he says it bc he cares about sana and knows she needs to hear it!! -ᶠᵃᵉⁿ ᵉᵛᵉⁿ -sana’s inner turmoil.. thank u iman for inventing acting (ik I haven’t mentioned it much yet but god iman is SUCH a phenomenal actor I owe her my life) -LETS GO BITCHES

ep7 -sana crying silently in her room breaks my fucking heart (IMAN!!!!)  -idk how I feel about the instagram plot but sana watching as her plan falls into place and then storming up to sara... pretty bada$$ -“it’s creepy it was published but it’s more creepy we have a bus boss who talks shit about everyone” THANK YOU vilde -i love s4 isak thanks -sana and jamilla’s chat aw :~) -how awkward do yall think the walk to the bench was lmfao -what sana tells isak is SO powerful and I love it a lot -isak does actually make a good point- the other girls are like that too.  -unfortunately I have been in situations isak describes, where you want to learn more about your friend’s culture or religion because you care about them and you’re genuinely interested, but you don’t know what questions are okay to ask and you don’t want to sound rude or ignorant, so you ultimately end up asking no questions at all. but I hate that the responsibility is put on sana to constantly educate people bc I cannot imagine how exhausting that must be [[[ok so. I know there are VERY mixed opinions on the bench scene but here’s my dumbass two cents. 1- I genuinely think isak was trying to make sana feel better by attempting to relate to her and pass on advice that really helped him. however, I don’t think isak realized what sana eventually told him- that her experience wearing the hijab is a lot different than isak’s experience as a gay man. do I agree with everything isak said? nooo. do I understand why he said it? yeah. 2- it was not isak’s place to tell sana norwegians aren’t racist, or not to look for racism in questions. I think there’s some truth to ppl often just being ignorant, and he does add that there are probably a lot of racist people in Norway, but yeah. not great. 3- in conclusion I think while isak shared some meaningful advice w sana, he put his foot in his mouth too and said some stupid shit. im not trying to defend that. I will add, though: a. we actually do see some growth on isak’s part. when he and even are yelled at on the street, that’s the moment it clicks for him that oh shit, this is what sana was talking about. this is what she has to experience? and that’s why he texts noora, “in the speech for sana, you have to include how insanely strong she is. I don’t think many people understand how much bullshit she has to take” and b. isak’s (bad) advice of “not looking for the racism in things” is ultimately contrasted by yousef (a moc who lived most of his life as a muslim) suggesting instead to show people what islam really is. and that’s so much more meaningful. I think the root of a lot of the issues isak brought up- i.e. ignorance- is a general lack of education, representation, or effort by non-muslim people to seek out information themselves. so sana leading by example and showing what it means to her to be muslim is so much more powerful.]]] -𝒃𝒂𝒎!  -BEST BUDS 🥺

ep8 -haper du har plass weaving in and out of this episode until the chorus finally breaks when the los losers van shows up...... miss julie 😭 -oh my god the pictures. im a fucking MESS bc they’re not only significant to the scene and to sana but also like,, as part of our goodbye to the girls?? -the balloon squad and even :( while the timeline of them reconciling within just this week is kinda wack, seeing even back with his friends looking so happy makes my heart uwu so i’ll allow it just this once -eva’s message to vilde about her and magnus being able to trust each other w/o reading their texts... growth or irony -chris is such a phenomenal friend (and this is why I wanted more of her in s4!!) -sana’s phonecall to the girls breaks my fucking heart bc like. right off the bat she’s finally being vulnerable with them?? telling them about her fears and insecurities and struggles? typing this im gonna start crying lol but god I love her so much. she’s so brave and she put all that on the line bc all she really cares about are her friends, she loves them SO much even if (she thinks) they don’t love her back -lowkey sobbed so hard during the haper du har plass clip I almost threw up and it gave me a headache :)  -anyways this is one of my favourite skam clips and god just. the moment you hear the girls calling for sana??? I LOSE it. when sana just starts BEAMING omg🤧 the girls love sana and support her and if you fuck with sana you fuck with us!!!!!! god. cannot articulate how dear to my heart this scene is. -haper du har plass feels like the end of the episode and the party clip is kinda just tacked on but I love how happy everyone is!! they’re all drinking champagne (who taught isak how to hold things) and dancing and smilingggg 💛 -yousana rise!!!!!!!!  -ok don’t get me wrong I hate william for crashing the party but their entrance slow-mo kinda slaps.... also sana popping up in between noorhelm SENDS me

ep9 -this is the point in the season where the amount of time dedicated to noorhelm is beyond beyond beyond significantly damaging to the story. this is sana’s last episode!! instead of having them makeout in front of william’s car for 20 minutes mayhaps we could’ve had a conversation between the girls and sana, or with her brother (if they had continued the elias alcoholism plotline rip), or maybe even with jamilla or her mamma? like I don’t care at ALL about noora or william. give me anything else. ple a s e -what makes skam scenes so brilliant is their quiet moments!! julie let the scene breathe. not everything needs a tacky song playing over top. -I’ve said this abt like twenty clips now but MAGHRIB. oh my GOD. an absolute masterpiece and definitely tied for my all time favourite skam clip. can’t rlly put into words how stunning it is. & I love sana and yousef’s conversation so much. -“of course I brought food! my name is yousef!” mr. acar you’re the only man I trust

ep10 -as much as my heart yearns for 10 sana episodes I think splitting up the last episode of skam into individual POV clips for different characters was brilliant and such a poignant way to say goodbye :( -okay don’t think about what sana could’ve written in her texts to everyone or ur heart will go sicko mode -I won’t write anything abt this ep since I’ve already written too much but like.. (elias should’ve gotten a clip instead of william. pchris can stay because his clip was funny but he’s on thin fuckin ice) -kjaere sana was such a beautiful way to say goodbye to skam. so yeah. bye skam. i miss you. 

overall ➔I’m not really sure why (possibly a lethal combination of my undying love for sana bakkoush, how much I relate to her, this but my ass was crying EVERY single episode of season 4...... F ➔I’m obsessed with s4′s aesthetic. imo the best editing, soundtrack and cinematography of any season!!!! julie is so talented at making each season feel distinct- to me, sana’s season is cool, vibrant colours (aka the late-night sunset aesthetic- gabie i hear u laughing shut up), crisp electronic/pop music and rap, ethereal city nights..... also sana has the best style of any skam character it had to be said ➔sana’s growth! seeing her open up and be honest and vulnerable with the girls during that phone call. sana sending all of her friends literally the sweetest messages of how much they mean to her and how much she values their relationship. sana being the (MUCH) bigger person and making amends with sara, ingrid etc. I love her so much :’((( ➔I’ve thought a lot about what I would change in season 4 and honestly? im a mf scatterbrain and have no real, structured ideas. my biggest issue is too much noora. dream s4 would be william staying in london and noora being happy on her own (but not rly on her own bc she has the girls and kollektivet!). as :/ as I am about the noora/yousef plotline, I’m not really sure what I’d do to replace the yousana conflict in ep5. maybe involving elias, or the balloon squad and even? related to that- in lieu of all the noora/noorhelm screentime, I would so much rather have a follow-up plot to elias’s drinking problem bc it was kinda just dropped? at the very least, the william clip should’ve been elias’s. I also would've killed for more one-on-one scenes with chris (even vilde or eva!), jamilla, even, members of the balloon squad... there are so many interesting stories that could’ve been explored instead of going down the noorhelm rabbithole again. furthermore, I feel like the social media plot was a bit... weak? again I’ve tried thinking of what I would’ve done instead (while also keeping the haper du har plass clip, y’all can pry that one from my cold dead hands) to little avail. what especially threw me about this plotline is that sana did this in s2 to jamilla, fucked up, and it bit her in the ass. I know that she gets irrational when angry but from a storytelling perspective, it seems repetitive. just.. I feel like there could’ve been a more powerful plot in which sana follows the same character arc. another thing I would’ve loved to see is beyond the los losers van, an apology from the girls to sana. or even just a conversation where they tell her “hey sana, we’re sorry for not paying attention and we’re sorry for being thoughtless/ignorant.” an apology from vilde about things she’s said in the past would’ve been <3. even a gesture! the girls order pizza again but this time it’s halal, or they make an effort to learn about sana’s religion and culture. I know it’s implied through the letter they write for sana, but a final standalone scene would’ve been so nice.  ➔i’ve noticed soo many remakes do this thing where they like.. water down shitty behaviour of their characters. which like- sure. I would love for everyone to be kind and thoughtful and not as horrible as they could be but also... I think that’s the point of skam? to show that people fuck up, but that doesn’t define them as a person. no one is perfect and no one can be thoughtful and considerate and kind all the time. and often these ‘problematic’ actions are integral to the story- e.g. elias saying stupid comments to isak (related to isak’s internalized homophobia and fear of coming out to his friends), the girl squad being ignorant about what sana can eat, etc. so..... your remake is not better because it erased every horrible action every character has done. (nuance.. where r u.........) ➔despite its flaws, I will say- the good moments of season 4? ineffable. I think we sometimes forget that julie literally wrote, directed, and I believe (?) assisted w editing and soundtrack too. i cant imagine doing all that under so much pressure, trying to bring so many storylines to a conclusion whilst simultaneously creating a goodbye-season to a show she put her life into the past two years. I’m so fucking appreciative of her. and you know what? all in all julie wrote some pretty damn beautiful episodes and scenes, and you can tell she loves this show just as much as we do. ➔and honestly this is maybe one reason I’m more wary of watching remake s4′s, bc like.. this season meant SO much bc it was the last season of skam. we knew it was the last season. the final episode is more or less a love letter, a goodbye to the show. whereas w some remakes (do i have to say whomst) its  like.. that love isnt there. it’s just another season. yknow? in conclusion I miss skam so much :(

ok whew if ur reading this ur a champion but also why did you just read 5k of me rambling about how much I love sana bakkoush??