#but you're smart too so you can probably get the gist of what i was trying to say

[kookidough]

analysing vance hopper because he lives in my head 24/7 !

tw for like. literally everything the black phone covers!!!!!!

also there's some special effects gore rather far down in the post idk just i feel like i should warn you just in case

okay so before anyones like "but bee!!!! he only had 6 minutes of screen time in a 102 minute long movie!!!!! he was only on screen for 5.8% of the movie!!!!!" and to that i say i Know it was a real tragedy so a lot of this will be built on personal interpretation and subtext and stuff said behind the scenes and whatnot

so firstly i wanna rot about what his childhood/upbringing might've been like..... i havent quite decided on something definitive but i think we can take one look at his character and realise that is glaringly obvious he had a bad childhood, in one interview the actor that plays him (brady hepner) says "the background i had set up for vance is that the reason he was the way he was is his home life was fairly difficult, you know maybe his dad was either not there for him or he wasn't supportive, maybe he was fairly abusive, and so that creates a hair trigger sense of rage in vance" hair trigger meaning his patience is literally as thin as a strand of hair it does Not take a lot for him to snap

there more to it after that which i'll get into soon but yea thats the gist of it it's clear he had absent/neglectful/abusive parents and that would certainly contribute to why he's so angry all the time, maybe acting so explosive was the only way to get his parents' attention, either good or bad, so he just internalised that. obviously rage and anger issues like vance's lead to violence (not in all cases but in his case it does) and i think a neglectful and abusive upbringing would obviously expose him to more violence than a normal childhood would, therefore normalising it and desensitising him to it, whether he's seeing it play out in his own home and/or on television or something like that (because i doubt his parents would be the kind to monitor what content he's viewing)

i feel like he has little control over his life and that only adds to his anger, which in his case leads to a fight when his buttons are pushed too many times. i think he probably takes great pride in being the toughest in town and whatnot and winning fights and being perceived as strong and scary is good to him and helps him regain control/power, something he doesnt have at home. the rest of the quote from the interview i mentioned earlier states "this pinball machine could have been the only thing that he has in his heart that's like, good, like 'holy cow i did this, i set the score,' so when someone comes along and messes it up for him, it takes away the only thing that he has. i think that that's when he switches to a 'now you're gonna pay for that'"

similar to what i said about fighting, the pinball machine and his high score is something he has control over and its an important part of his reputation/image like. hes literally pinball vance ! and the whole thing about that high score being the "only thing he has in his heart that's good" implies that hes. well. pretty shit at everything else, which is pretty much canon if you remember that gwen said vance was held back twice in school. makes me think that while he's not the brightest in school he's certainly street smart

moving onto ermmmmm him getting kidnapped era because im sure youre wondering "well bee if he's so street smart then why did he get kidnapped" so may i raise two theories (this is. literally all i got and its not even concrete, me and my friend gray (@staggersz) tried to figure out how this could even happen and this is the most plausible thing we've got. so shoutout to him real quick he has had to deal with me being unnormal about vance for like a year and a half thanks king couldnt have done all this without my rotting buddy)

so either he got taken by surprise (most likely option) or vance's trust was gained first via getting given quarters at the pinball machine and small talk and shit like that but this is unlikely because i feel like it'd take a loooooong time for someone like vance to trust a some random stranger adult man when he clearly has issues with trusting and respecting people older than him and people with authority (e.g. cops, his parents, or school officials) so yea being taken by surprise would probably be the most realistic option, i always see people on tiktok being like "how did the grabber kidnap vance hes so strong!!!!" dude its a 15 year old boy against like. a 45 year old man who's already claimed two lives its really not gonna be a fair fight here

before i get into the next part i wanna quickly address a theory i absolutely Hate and it is so easily disproven and that is the theory that vance is the grabber's son or is related to him in some other way and i see it Far too often on tiktok and i HATE it. from what ive seen this all stems from his dream sequence where he kicks open the fence to albert's house and, presumably, goes inside after being dropped off by the police after the grab n go fight. idk if some people just straight up didnt realise this but clearly in real life he is going to his Own House??? in the dream it's only albert's house because this is how he chooses to show gwen the house she's trying to find her brother in, the house that he himself was killed in??? i hate the theory i hate it sm

the dream sequence itself is interesting though as the ghosts seem to only be able to conjure up what theyve seen in real life (like how bruce can picture the outside of the house and show that to gwen but the house number is all flipped and not right beause he doesnt know it) so vance being able to picture the house and the number and the gate and every detail would imply that hes seen it before, but im going to explain that away as either he got out once before like with finney's failed escape attempt, or the house is most likely on the route he walks to school or the grab n go or something and he hasnt actually been there prior to being kidnapped

mini rant over now onto being kidnapped i guess, so i used the missing posters to try and estimate a timeline of how long each ghost boy would've been in the basement for (although the missing posters are notoriously unreliable for details such as looks/height/age/etc, the dates seem to all line up). so we know the order is griffin, billy, vance, bruce, robin, finney, right?? if we use the poster date then billy was taken on may 4th, 1976, a month and two days after griffin was taken (april 2nd 1976). vance was taken on september 23rd 1977, almost a full year later (stay with me im going somewhere with this), and after that bruce was taken on july 18th 1978, again almost a full year later

its established in the movie that the grabber stalks his victims before he takes them (canon because we literally see the van watching finney and gwen as they walk home from school early on in the movie) but we dont know how long he does this for since griffin/billy and robin/finney were taken such short distances apart and then the others were taken such long distances apart, also it's possible he could stalk his next victim while the previous one is still alive, etc etc lots of confusing factors, but if i've done the maths right then the absolute maximum time vance could've spent down there is 9 months and 25 days, or 298 days, so erm . let that sink in !

howeverrrr in the movie gwen states that vance went missing "last spring" and september is definitely not in spring, meaning he could've been down there for a year or even longer. an explanation or excuse i could think of for the movie and the missing poster saying different things (other than the missing posters being known for some areas being wildly inaccurate) is that maybe he was taken in spring but wasnt labelled as officially missing until september, when he was properly linked to griffin and billy's similar disappearances and the mysterious grabber? i can imagine it'd be very easy for law enforcement, especially in the 70s, to dismiss someone like vance as a runaway until they get solid evidence that he was taken. idk though thats just my personal excuse / angsty headcanon for the difference in information

not sure what exactly killed him but we do hear from vance himself that "he took his time with me" so it was probably blood loss from a variety of injuries, if we look at him in his ghost scenes we can see his hair is absolutely covered in blood which indicates head injury, he clearly has a broken nose and bruising around his eyes as a result of it, he has these deep cuts on his abdomen area (apologies for the image quality but i believe they're like. sfx pieces you would wear under clothing)

and he also has just like. minor bruising (like the fingerprints on his arm) and other random blood splatters on his face and neck (assuming the blood down his neck comes from wherever he was bleeding on his head) so Yeah overall very unpleasant way to die obviously

okay now the part thats actually in the movie and it only took me 13 paragraphs to get here: vance as a ghost!! first thing i wanna point out is appearance wise i just want to say that when he's a ghost he's missing his choker and that fact Pains me. anyway personality-wise i feel like being violently murdered has, understandably, kicked his rage up to like. the highest level it could possibly go. he's insanely snarky and downright rude to finney on the phone, showing no empathy to the fact that finney is literally in the exact situation he was in

i feel like the whole "this is the nightmare end of your pathetic little life" and "if you knew what you had coming, you'd be fucking terrified" thing is definitely to scare finney on purpose and to get him to do something, vance might as well have just told him he's never going home cuz thats how it came across LMAOO, it is startling though because vance is clearly speaking from experience, that he was literally fucking terrified, and he is warning finney in his own weird way

the thing i think sets vance apart from the other ghosts is that while he does help finney, he does it for a different reason than they do. the other ghosts want finney to escape, to get out, to be free, to live, but personally i dont think vance cares about that. the only thing he wants is for albert shaw to be dead, for someone to seek vengeance, to do what vance couldn't. vance doesn't care if it's bruce or robin or finney or whatever boy could've come after that, he doesnt care as long as that man gets what he deserves after what he put vance through, and i see this through the scene at the end of vance's call where finney thanks him for his help and vance says, and i quote, "helping you? this isn't about you, fuck him! and apologies for being repetitive but to me it just literally proves that to vance, this isnt about finney or his escape, its just about revenge

we dont get to find out what happens to the ghosts once the credits have rolled, and i dont think we quite know enough about tbp's version of ghosts to guess what theyre up to, but i have a few theories :3 maybe theyre no longer bound to those two houses and they can now go anywhere they want in town? or maybe since their shared goal of stopping albert has been achieved, the ghosts can finally pass on to whatever is waiting for them next. i dont think vance would be content to pass on that quickly or easily as anger lingers, but i hope he'd be able to let go of it eventually, and hey we might find out in the sequel. i pray it mentions him cuz i will just die if it doesnt

sometimes, ok thats a lie, frequently i think about an au where he survived or escaped or whatever but ohhhh boy this post is already a train wreck so that au would deserve its own essay of a post :3 if u actually genuinely read this far then Wtf thanks for reading the ramblings of an absolute madman, only pure delusion could get like 20 paragraphs about a guy with 6 minutes screentime but hey thats how i roll, thanks again to my pal gray for letting me rot and thank u to my other pal ana for also enduring all this rot

hope u enjoyed my interpretation of vance hopper im going to crawl in a hole now and probably brainrot some more, thanks again for ur time :3

[coldresolve]

yeah, nah, fuck it. im sharing this post and then i'm just gonna link to it whenever it becomes relevant.

every disagreement i have with yall always comes back to me phrasing things in a way that sounds mean. always, always. like duh, i dont try to sugarcoat how i see things, i have realized that, in fact i do it on purpose. why? well.

i come from a culture where it's often interpreted as deceitful and/or shallow to sandwich your point in with superficial courtesy. if you spend too much time packing your point in with whatever you think will make it easier to swallow, people will start to feel like you're infantalizing them, or straight up wasting their time. being direct and honest from the get-go is seen as a sign of respect - yes, even if what you're saying could easily be interpreted as rude. say what you think, say exactly how you feel, and we'll take it from there. that kinda thing.

when i say an opinion or criticise something on here, i am treating you, the reader, like someone who is smart enough to understand the gist of my argument without being bogged down by its delivery, mature enough to recognize the difference between criticism of your work (or general trends) and criticism of you as a person, and emotionally well-adjusted enough to not pin your self-worth on the negative opinions some random guy on the internet might have of something you do/create/like.

i am showing you respect by talking to you as if you are an adult who can deal with what i might have to say. if you're not, and you can't, i expect you to have the wherewithall to not engage with me. i could at the very least respect that. alternatively, you're also welcome to disagree with my points, obviously. i'm always up for a good discussion.

but you responding to criticism like mine with defensiveness, affront, or worse, the idea that you're now justified to go after the criticiser as a person, only comes across to me like immaturity, self-consciousness, self-importance, and in some cases - deliberate or not - obtusiveness. see how that cultural divide can go both ways?

we're probably not gonna find common ground here. i'm tired of being interpreted as aggressive all the time, but i have no intention of conforming to the american ideal of social courtesy, because it makes me feel shallow, disingenuous and fake. meanwhile, you're probably not gonna be able to hear me speak without shaking the knee-jerk feeling that i'm purposefully ignoring the sensitivity of others (because objectively, i am).

so do we chuck the whole thing up to different culturally determined approaches to communicating our ideas? can we keep a shred of respect and mutual understanding and leave it at that?

or are you gonna insist that i'm immoral/rude/aggressive/callous/antagonistic/attacking people/etc, for voicing my own opinions, in my own way, on my own blog - in which case i, in turn, will feel perfectly content to just consider you an inherently silly person?

as far as i can tell, it's one or the other.

(also please please recognize the difference between using culture as an excuse, and pointing out a very real cultural divide that influences both how i communicate and how you interpret how i communicate. my point is that we're gonna keep talking past each other unless we adress the fact that we approach communication with very different goals in mind, mine being effectiveness and honesty and yours being courtesy and social sensitivity. i am also not saying that either one of these is "the right way" to communicate. don't read shit into my takes that isn't there to begin with. thx)

[atopvisenyashill]

I don’t get how you’re a Rhaenyra fan but a Dany hater 🤨 like Rhaenyra committed a lot of atrocities in the end.

I don’t hate Dany! She’s smart, she’s funny, she’s got some of the best magical scenes in the series - she’s got some of the best scenes in the series, period, her last dragon fever dream in agot is like top 10 for me easy - and she’s a character that is conceptually similar to like, theon or ned or cersei in that she is really firmly rooted and informed by her past traumas, and I love characters like that from a writing standpoint. I have definitely talked more negatively about her bc it’s basically impossible to not be constantly inundated with takes i feel are just the most vapid or deranged or whatever takes in the world, but you can say that for anyone who feels anything at all about dany bc she is a very polarizing character! i think some of her narrative is frustratingly written, i do not mesh well with a large section of her fanbase, and i actively hate her show counterpart, but show dany is a vastly different character than book dany is (i mean just age alone, like with robb and jon, some of your sympathy evaporates bc they are too damn old to be acting this stupid). ultimately, a lot of the "hate" people think i feel for her is directed at what i feel are stupid opinions on her character or her show counter part's place in pop culture, or just like, normal analysis and critique that i do of every character in this series.

i will acknowledge that i tend to describe myself as "pro stark, pro blacks, pro smallfolk" so people know the general gist of what they're signing up for when they start interacting with me, but that is such a simple way of diluting all of my feelings for all of these characters. like "pro stark" in the sense that they are the most rational of the leaders we get in the main series, and have a connection to the land, people, and culture that is important, but i've pointed out plenty of times that robb's war is harmful to the people of the riverlands, regardless of whether he's justified or not, and i've been posting about how ned and cat fail to properly prepare their children (and the north in general) for Real World Politics, to the detriment of their kids. "pro stark" in the sense that i thought show dany wasn't just deranged from season 1 she was also wildly unlikable and nauseatingly stupid, you could see her "dark dany" turn coming from a mile away because these were not subtle writers interested in exploring why dany would decide "dragons plant no trees" and instead focused on her looking hot while she set shit on fire (same way they were less interested in looking at why jon failed as lord commander and had him be the action hero fighting at hardhome). definitely most of my aggravation at "dany" is at the show version, and while i do get why people feel that if you're a proponent of the "dark dany" theory that you're "anti" dany, but I am not anti book dany! i just think like rickon stark, shireen baratheon, jojen reed, aegon vi, etc she is very much doomed to die a very tragic death.

and i do not like characters based on how little atrocities they commit lmao, like, if i were to list my top 10 favorites, probably half of them have committed some extreme war crime. theon is a rapist! jaime is a shitty ass partner to cersei, a deadbeat dad despite living in the same building as his kids, and a failed child murderer! bran is mind raping hodor, understands on some level that what he's doing is morally repugnant, and keeps doing it anyway! pretty much every targaryen i like has committed some sex crime heinous enough to get them life + 25!! bobby b raised joffrey!!! i know i facetiously say shit like "rhaenyra did nothing wrong" but i'm well aware she's out here torturing people, same as like 75% of the characters we interact with in the whole series. so "rhaenyra commits atrocities" or "dany commits atrocities" is just not how i look at these characters (and not to get into stan wars here, but good lord, "rhaenyra commits atrocities" she is not the only or even the worst person in the dance! like 85% of these people suck and the ones who don't - which is limited to like, helaena, jace, nettles, and addam almost exclusively - either die or disappear because That's The Point. also, i was raised SDA alright, you gotta be a really compelling character for me to get past being super catholic, it's in my dna to be a spiteful hater of catholics!! catelyn stark is my one exception to this rule folks!!!!).

as to why i like rhaenyra - for one thing, saying that emma d'arcy is a better actor than emilia clarke is like saying cillian murphy is better than bradley cooper. they are just not on the same level lol. i definitely have my critiques of show!rhaenyra's writing but i also think she's miles better written than show!dany and her story is also more interesting because her writing is much less nonsensical. for another, i think book rhaenyra and book dany are wildly similar characters (for a reason!) meant to be in conversation with each other, and i very much enjoy what that conversation is saying about power, nobility, gender, sex, war, and identity. on a more technical level, while fire and blood is a mess writing and world building wise, the one thing it does better than the essos chapters (because it doesn't take place in essos, it takes place in westeros, and george struggles much less fleshing out "western poc" than he does "eastern poc" ya know) is that rhaenyra is not the only insight we get into the conflict. the people she loves, the people she rules, the people she harms, they all have a pov and a voice in a way that missandei, irri, jhiqui, rakharo, jhogo, grey worm, on and on, do not, the way that basically every single character that isn't westerosi except mmd (who was killed in book one) is not afforded. it's just a lot easier (as of right now) to talk about rhaenyra as a character because we have her beginning, middle, and end and the povs of people who hated her vs dany, we have the beginning and middle, a lot of arguing over what her end will be, and no one in the narrative as of yet who has even the barest criticism of her decisions besides cardboard cut out villainous slavers.

so like...no i do not hate dany, and i don't feel it's necessary to asterisk every post about rhaenyra with "i know putting a hit out on nettles and addam, locking the smallfolk into KL without easing their burdens of the war, positing herself as an exception to male line primogeniture instead of pushing for absolute primogeniture, and using torture on tyland and vaemond's family was fucked up, i acknowledge that she's flawed" when i talk about her, nor do i feel the need to defend my position on dany on the off chance one of her more annoying stans finds my posts and decides i hate women because i said i didn't like her sexual relationship with irri.

[leffee]

Worst to best at advice giving?

7. Pepper - uh oh, she's not exactly the best choice when going for advice because her need for entertainment is too strong, she will on purpose give you an advice that won't work for it to be funny. Especially risky is going to her for relationship advice, as in any relationship - romantic, platonic, colleagues; just whatever invloves people cause it's especially funny like that for her. However, the more serious the situation she the more she will attempt to give you a genuine advice because you know, there's a difference between a low and high-stakes situation.

6. Minka - oh boy, she's almost too eager to give an advice but on the other hand she might not listen to everything you have to say and so won't take it into account. She's just eager! I mean she's definitely nice and does want the best for you, but at the same time her high energy and pace of thinking might not be too helpful in case of giving an advice. Plus it's Minka, her advice will often go like "Just do whatever you feel is right in the moment" - so what you should do is make an impulsive decision. She says that because it works for her and that's what she has always been doing, but for someone else? Yeah, it might not work.

5. Zoe- she's eager to give advice, she really is, but her ego is a bit of a problem. She thinks she's right about everything and has ready solutions that you should at least try, it's hers though so it will probably work :). And she does have a lot of life experience, it's not that she's constantly wrong or anything, but at the same time she might not take your opinion into account, like if you have some limitations or need more time. Her willingness to share her wisdom is definitely admirable, if sometimes misguided.

4. Vinnie - he has experience with giving advice thanks to Sunil mostly. Since he gets anxious a lot and Vinnie is his best friend, of couse Vinnie's the one who gets to see it a lot. And of course he wants to help each time. His first attempts could have been pretty bad, but again, experience, he got better at knowing what to say and how to act to appear reassuring and he himself staying calm. But don't expect him to give you an unbiased advice if you're arguing with one of his friends or anything like that. He's loyal to an unhealthy degree, so whenever they are involved he will think they're in the right and tell you to just let go because they're right, plus he wants them to feel good about themselves. Really, in his head they're not wrong, ever.

3. Penny - she's good at giving advice because she's a good listener - she can really get the gist of what you're saying and what you really want out of this converation. Although if there aren't both sides present she will most likely be more in favour of whoever is telling her all that because she will show her understanding because she's empathetic like that. While she's not the best with confrontations herself telling someone else what to do is much, much easier.

2. Russell - well, he's their unofficial leader for a reason - he's good at decision-making even though he can be a bit biased. The thing is, he often believes in his rules more than anyone else's and that he knows better, but like, he's right, most of the time he really does know better. He is smart, he has a lot of knowledge, not only that, he has pretty good social skills - it all helps him to give good advice when needed.

1. Sunil :) - he is the best at being objective and looking at the situation without bias so giving impartial yet useful advice is easy to him. That's really his thing, Russell might be considered smarter, but Sunil is wiser and looking for solutions that will keep both sides satisfied comes rather naturally to him. I mean,

yeah

[after-nine-at-the-oasis]

OKAY PHEW dialing 9-1-1 😭

Ohh it's Josh :o

Will he recognize her voice? Idk, but she'll probably say her name

Crappp there's them not having context with either of them 😬

Right right it would make sense for just a normal passenger to call too lol xd

And there it is :((

His look at Maddie 😭😭😭🥺💔

Oh and

Hi Maddie 🥰🥰!

Ahh yeah he's saying it :(( poor Maddie DDD:

AGH and of course Bobby's turning his phone off so he won't know 😭

Okay I do see what you're saying but I don't think they appreciate toooo much accuracy lol

Yep xd

Nah that's fair though, important stuff

Like how big does it have to be that they do want you to help lol

Yet 9-1-1 does that sometimes xD like you know the people it's possible to not see their faces for a second kol

LOL, that helps I guess!

That he'll be gone xD

Ohhh noo

Okay good we're connected to them

Okay they're figuring it out good 😭

But at least we won't be out of the sky!

Uh oh o.o

That's not good xd

Another hole that is 😬

Okay yeah move away move away 😬😌

Idk how well they can here but knowing they won't go down might help <3

NOOOOO she can't get a hold of Bobby 😭 I knew itttt augh

Why do they keep doing this to herrr and themmmm 😭😭😭💔🥺😬

Okay okay nice

Ope o.o SHE'S LANDING THE PLANE 😭

Oh gosh xdd

Good luck girly 😭 xd

Ope??

He's probably acting. but like xd ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ??

Okay yeah lol, as he's saying anyway

Poor Bobby xD this guy just doesn't get him and he doesn't really get him lol

Okay okay

Didn't you basically already say that, with studying him xD

Ahh slightly different I suppose

Nah he doesn't really. do that lol

No you don't Bobby xD

Hmm oop he is kind of volatile 😬

Hmmm interesting

Oh hey guys xD

I mean at least that he was there? But I suppose if they're busy they gotta wait till afterwards yk, it's not like you're there

Lol the egg salad xD because he's in the hospital y'all lol

Maddie calling I bet 😭

Hmm just to let them know?

Hey guysss you can all hear her now lol

Ohhh :o okay but how? Calling?

Ohh nooo and Athena 😭 of course :(((

Okay you got this girl!!

Alright good we've got a guy here who knows what's happening

She doesn't even know the basics of what things look like though xd

YES that kid :o :D! I knew he would help :))

Nice okay phew :o

WE'RE TURNED!!!

Safe for now :'D

OHH okay so they are on the phone with all of them!!

And Buck trying to get Bobby 😭 bro it's an emergencyyyy just put him on xdd

Oh gosh 😬😬 her poor leg D:

Oh and the copilot 😬

Ahh a panic attack :((?

Girly just jumped right in <33

Oof to all of that 😭

Nah okay okay cool just leaving him be, glad we don't have to do anything for him

LOL no he doesn't have a carry on xD

Okay phew found some stuff

Ohh nooo it's gonna be compartment syndrome isn't it xd xD

Okay phew she has a pulse :o

So not for right now at least xD phew :'D

Uhh ohhhh

OH NO IT'S DEFINITELY NOT 😳😬 O.O

He's foaming 😳😳😬

Okayyy okayy

That doesn't sound good 😭

And it ain't o.o 😭

Okayy so that's not helping

Oop?

SLFKFKJDHSG explain bestie xD so they'll actually answer lol

Yeah saying the medication itself might help xD

AYY LOL HIM!! NICE MAN THANK YOU

Ohhh right dilating blood vessels okay

Ahh yeah he's unconscious 😬😬😬 idk shove it down there xD?

Ohh that's smart thinking of that

Even though you apparently shouldn't xD

Okay okayy

LOL the "Hi. Me again" XD realll

LOL them again, icons xD

Yeah exactly, very helpful

LOL yeah XD to the whole benefits of being geriatric thing

Ohhh nooo compartment syndrome 😳😭 like I said xd o.o

Okayy okayyy

Oh right DANG airport security o.o

OHHH YEAH LOL, he's gonna melt it and sharpen it!!! Nice :O :D

Okay okayyy

Mixing it together alright

Good job girly

YAYY PHEW!! He's awake and okay :'DD

Good

Aww yeah you did save him :'))

Are they gonna be a thing (not in the show obviously but like end up that way lol)

Phew <33

LOL she recognizes it as a prison shiv xD

"WHERE DO YOU THINK" SHLDKFJLGD XDDD FAIR MAN

Okayy okayyy

(I'm behind so these are a bit out of order but you get the gist lol)

Ohhh noo

Lol yeah, going against her expectations a bit xD just because he can do it doesn't mean he's going around stabbing people lol

That guy's like alright fine I'll do it

Maybe he's shivved somebody lol

Eugh 😭

Okayy okayyyy!

PHEW YAYYY

She's okay 😭😭😭

YEAHH and everyone cheered!!! (like the meme/phrase) As they should!!!

Phew, so glad she's okay :'D

Ahh right they're a team

Yeeahhh you won't be playing now xD but you're alive and still a part of the team <33

Thank goodness

Everybody's okay xD

Hallelujah lol

[cilil]

Just finished reading your response to my Aluin ask and I love your headcanons and ideas for him! I definitely wonder what he’d think about black holes👀 perhaps they’re a Varda & Aluin creation? Due to the way they effect time? Also I really loved the idea of Fanuin and his siblings being creations of Aulë like the dwarves! And I never even considered how, had he entered arda, Melkor would gain a share of his gifts. Melkor with time powers just means more fun chaos tho, am I right?😂 but thinking on that, I really think you’re right and Eru would want him as removed from the others as possible. Also, him not entering arda and therefore not even needing a physical appearance is something I hadn’t even thought about.

Anywho, I really enjoyed reading this! Thank you for taking the time to give such a detailed and thoughtful response! I loved hearing your thoughts and opinions on him! Reading your posts always makes my day, so I’m really happy to give that back in any way I can! Thank you again❤️❤️

Thank you, my friend, you're too kind❤️

I like to hc that black holes were created by Melkor and Varda more or less accidentally because they used to have epic space battles before coming to Arda - another whole thing I could get into sometime, but that's the gist of it. Aluin wouldn't be too bothered, I suppose, since only a few select regions of Eä would be affected and the information paradox would be more of an issue for Varda to solve.

Bonus headcanon: If Aluin ever enters Arda "properly" he'll become a passionate collector of all sorts of clocks - anything from ancient sun dials to smart watches. Though the latter especially would probably go absolutely crazy if he took them home to his dimension XD

[browzerhistory]

tips for beginning artists from someone who's been drawing since he could first pick up a crayon:

1. anything worth doing is worth doing poorly

scared the drawing you want to make will turn out ugly? nervous you won't do the angle/character/lighting/etc justice? do it anyway. do it scared. do it weird, do it anatomically incorrect, do it uncolored, but whatever you do, draw that thing. it's better to get the idea out on paper/canvas/etc than to leave it in your brain to eventually fade away. if you still really love the concept, you can come back to it later with better skills, and if you end up disliking it, well, now that you've drawn it you don't have to ever again!

2. get a little silly with it

experiment with your art. go to a color palette generator and make something with the first thing you get. make ocs with complicated designs and weird backstories. change things about your style just to see how they look. the more things you try out, the more things you'll find out you like (or dislike), and your art will start to really feel like yours. i'm not sure if the Youth of Today get as hung up over not having an art style as i used to, but if you do, there's only one way to get it: fuck around and find out.

3. always cheat

listen. there are many people who will tell you that tracing a reference or color picking from a photo or whatever is cheating. those people are lying to you. obviously there are limits (like don't trace/recolor art and post it without credit), but the vast majority of the time, tracing and taking inspiration from other people's art is how you get better.

(one way to stop yourself from plateauing is to trace a reference, then try drawing it by hand. you can also try breaking down a pose into basic shapes/lines; if this seems confusing, just pretend you're making hitboxes for it video game style.)

4. take a goddamn break

if drawing is starting to feel more like a chore than a hobby, or if you feel like you've run out of good ideas, stop for a couple days. pursue another hobby, eat good food, observe local flora and fauna. even if you love drawing with all your heart and think you'll never get enough of it, your brain needs a refresher every now and then to come up with new cool stuff to draw. trying to push past burnout will most likely just ruin the fun of it for you.

5. make a mary sue oc immediately

there's way too much hate on mary sue characters, especially when so many stories introduce protagonists by going "what if there was a guy. and he was the Specialest Guy Ever." having a character who's sexy and smart and powerful is not only fun, but good for the soul, and nobody gets hurt when you make one. plus, it's hard to overstate how good it is to have a character you love to draw in lots of different outfits, poses, and situations.

6. your art is good because you made it

now this one will probably be controversial, since a lot of artist memes are about feeling self conscious about or straight-up hating your own art. but you've gotta find pride in what you make. you've gotta look at your drawings and say, "this fucks actually and i did an amazing job." for me, even if i don't like how a drawing turned out, i try to find at least one thing i really like about it, like the shading or colors or emotion. making self-deprecating jokes stops being ironic the more you do it, and the same applies to jokingly tearing your own art apart.

7. keep your old art

a very good poster once said that throwing away/deleting your old art is like walking up a staircase and smashing every stair behind you. even if you're very high up, you won't see it because it looks like you're just on the first step.

personally, i have sketchbooks going back to early 2018, when i first started regularly using them, and i keep some of my first ever digital pieces in an archive on my tablet, but i get that that sort of record keeping isn't possible for a lot of people. the gist of this advice is just to have some reminder of where you've been, so you can look forward to where you're going.

8. make furry characters

beyond the obvious (you're probably a furry and it's nice to be able to draw your fursona), doing furry art is also a great way to find community in art. whether you do commissions, comics, or just draw yourself for fun, furry art is a wonderful method of self-expression that has the added bonus of being basically limitless. my main fursona is a bug, my secondary one is a gastropod. follow your dreams.

there may be more i add to this list later, but these are the main ones i can come up with. obligatory disclaimer that i'm just one guy with one experience; this advice might not work for everyone; etc etc. i've just tried to base this off of what i wish i knew when i started getting into art seriously.

[autisticseaserpent]

Day 2- When were you diagnosed and when did you know that you're autistic? If you're self-diagnosed, when did you first suspect that you're autistic and when were you sure?

With autism proper , I was diagnosed when I was 25. I first knew when I was in college.

With developmental disability, I was diagnosed when I was 7 and pretty much always knew. So I was diagnosed with developmental coordination disorder (dyspraxia) as a kid. At this point I had already been held back from kindergarten and did another year in preschool as a result. I had pretty much gotten the gist that I was “behind” for as long as I can remember. Most adults around me knew something was up. Because I’m very smart in some ways people always figured I’d grow out of it.

I don’t have access to the records from when I was diagnosed. You would think they’d be looking at autism but maybe they weren’t.

Sensory Processing Disorder was big at the time and my Mom was told that I had it. So if you aren’t familiar SPD is not a real diagnosis and it has never been a real diagnosis. It is an educational diagnosis which means absolutely nothing medically.

At the time there was a push to get SPD recognized as a full diagnosis in the DSM 5. It is literally just the sensory parts of autism. If you look at the literature it comes to a dead stop in 2013 when the DSM 5 actually came out because the American Pediatrics Association absolutely academically decimated SPD and full on said that people should not use this diagnosis. There’s still some die hards doing SPD research and if you’re looking at non academic sources there are mountains of people currently advocating for SPD as a diagnosis. This seems to be primarily driven by not wanting to accept that their kids probably autistic.

This was also during the Bush administration, a diagnosis of autism would be a particularly expensive preexisting condition to have. It’s still common practice in the US to diagnose primarily based on what’s needed for services . In grad school, I was taught to diagnose based on presenting problem, and that you needed to weigh the risks of putting a stigmatized diagnosis on someone’s chart with benefits (primarily access to services). Even though preexisting conditions are no longer a thing. Republicans have been challenging the ACA for the entire decade since it was put into place. Additionally the court can subpoena your notes, which is particularly problematic in social services.

So this practice is in response to real policy pressures and makes sense to an extent, services here are so underfunded that if something is not the problem right now and doesn’t affect getting services that person needs , it’s not a priority. So it’s not something done out of malice.

However it has particularly negative effects when it comes to developmental disability because people think that unless you very much fit their mental picture of that, this isn’t a problem after childhood.

When I was a kid I did get all the services I needed with my diagnosis. I got speech therapy, occupational therapy , and accommodations at school. And in a high school/ uni environment where everything is very structured and focused on academics, I did really good.

Once I got to be an adult that all stopped. I want getting any services or accommodations. And I really started to struggle with work in the same way I did in school when I was younger.

When I was in services aimed at children, there was a clear understanding that I fit the picture of having a “learning disability” and that I needed services. Once I was looking at adult services, I was doing too good in uni to fit the “learning disability” picture and developmental disability in adults brings to mind IDD or “low functioning” autism.

There was an idea that they would’ve caught it if I was autistic when I was a kid. Which given all the context I talked about before was infuriating. Not to mention that I had access to services, not everybody does.

So it sucked on a personal level once I figured it out to be constantly dismissed. But what sucked more was that I missed out on services that I needed. I first got a job when I was 22. If I had been diagnosed I might’ve gotten employment services in high school.

By the end of college I was looking for services myself. And I started therapy. In grad school I started getting vocational rehabilitation from the state. But until I got an actual diagnosis I found myself constantly talking around autism. Overall the what ifs are what sucks the most.

30 days of autism acceptance :

1 -What music or series/show do you like?

I’m just going to go by last thing I watched because otherwise we’ll be here all day. Music- Hadestown, Currently reading -in the night garden by Catherynne Valente, podcast- 5-4 , maintenance phase, tv show - extraordinary attorney woo (With my chronic illness brain following fiction series has been hard. Somehow I’ve been able to get back into reading a bit. )

[starsundertheceiling]

I’m probably a little late to the party (heh) but there’s something I’ve noticed concerning color theory and Max, and Max in general

When she is introduced to us as MADMAX, her situation with Billy makes her feel lonely and angry. She’s wearing red clothes (with a white stripe!) and her hair is down (letting her rage roam free).

In here, she’s clearly annoyed. She’s just left Billy’s car, Mr. Clarke made her stand before the class and named her Maxine when she just wanted to melt into the background and get over her first day at an unfamiliar school, still not thrilled about having to move from California.

Still, she’s zipped down, since those people didn’t do anything especially hurtful towards her and maybe she’s a little hopeful about them. 

When she’s mad after an interaction with Billy she’s wearing red:

Darker red! She’s at school where she won’t have to deal with Billy for a while. She’s cooling like lava but there’s still one streak of the anger in the back of her head.

When the boys approach her, her zip-up sweatshirt is unzipped to show some of the color underneath. She’s happy! She will not let her guard down completely but she won’t hiss at them immediately! Still, she’s ready for disappointment and snapping right back to being fully red.

Yellow is not a lighter shade of red, but it’s definitely close on the color wheel. Closer to white, too! She is showing she’s not only mad, there also is softness inside her! It’s still a shade connected to red (anger) but yellow by itself is more of a happiness color. She wants to make friends but is still scared because of the new environment and Billy.

In the car with Billy (the scene where he wants to run over the party), the entire scene is shot in a way that’s barely letting us see her clothes. It’s mostly covered by hair, too, but we can see it’s still at least a little unzipped as there’s a bit of the yellow collar visible.

In the scene, she’s defending Hawkins saying, that it’s not that bad and that she can’t see any cows (yellow). She’s scared of Billy, so she’s trying to cover up her sympathy towards Hawkins and towards the boys (with red and her hair, Billy saw her get out of the car with the sweatshirt zipped up and hair down, now she’s covering her softness with what is familiar to Billy, so that he doesn’t see anything has changed, notice that softness and hurt her. That’s exactly what she does when she says she doesn’t know the boys trying to protect them from getting ran over).

Yellow! Fully yellow :) She’s happy to be shown weird pollywog-like creatures with the rest of the Party!

Right after Will gets possessed, her question as to what “true sight” means gets brushed off by all of the boys. She’s hurt and feels excluded, but her hurt makes her angry again. Next time we see her, she’s all red again.

“Party members only! This is non-negotiable.”

“I thought you guys wanted me in your Party!”

At the arcade! She’s already acclimated to Hawkins, and the arcade is her favorite place. 

Alright, I’m getting tired and my third eye is slowly closing, so I’m going to wrap this up quickly, since I think I presented what the gist of the idea is.

In season 3, yellow, patterns, colors! She is now fully a member of the party! She has friends, she knows the secrets, El is back. This is the happiest she’s been.

Clothes are important in both of the girl’s characters! (El changes from murky colors to vivid patterns when she finds herself and there’s a post about El shedding layers of blue in season 4. I’d link it but can’t find it, I’m sorry!) There being a scene like this, with them fooling around with their clothes is basically the peak of happiness :)

Here Max gets really worried because of Billy. She’s feeling a bit guilty ‘cause that’s her step-brother that’s sowing chaos and hurting her friends. El is straining herself. The situation is looking BAD. Blue!

Beginning of season 4

Blue - she’s grieving and feeling guilty, Black coat - she’s hiding herself in a shell. She’s not particularly hiding her grief but she can close off at any moment.

(Btw Lucas is also wearing a blue shirt with some coats. I’d say he is sad because Max dumped him and doesn’t want to tell him things but the coats have a couple of colors because he’s hiding away his nerdiness in order to be cool :) 

Now, the overcoat is blue with yellow elements - Max is being honest about her grief. She’s targeted by Vecna, the Hawkins gang knows she is SAD. It’s her last day, she can unfurl. The sweatshirt is unzipped and showing red and white underneath, the same colors we’ve seen her wear when we first met her. The girl that slammed the door of Billy’s car. The one that was scared of him. That girl is still inside Max. 

Sometimes, she’s wearing this. Grief covered up with brownish-reddish... Red. She’s going back to her previous self, she is talking to Lucas again and he SEES her... But to get that shade of red you go more towards black on the color wheel. She’s not that vivid, fiery red anymore. There are bits of that girl deep inside her, but she’s too tired to make it her entire self. She’s tired. 

[gay-otlc]

And They Were Roommates- 1

The first part of the Keefitz roommate au! It has arrived!

@synonymroll648 @nothing-valued @rainbow-frog-earrings

Can't believe Shannon went with the whole neverseen attack + healing center sleepover when we could have had KEEFE AND FITZ ROOMMATES. Anyway I'm writing the Flashback we were robbed of.

Content warning for a dysfunctional family and mention of murder.

AO3

"Is that your plan?" Sophie asked. "You want to live at the Shores of Solace? With Lord Cassius?"

"It's better than living with Alvar."

He stared her down until she eventually sighed and nodded. "I don't like the idea of you living with him, but..."

"I don't like the idea of living with Alvar. And besides, I don't mind the idea of sharing a house with Keefe."

Sophie raised an eyebrow. "I'm sure you wouldn't mind."

Contrary to certain allegations, he wasn't a total idiot. He knew what she was implying. He just very pointedly chose to ignore the implication. "I have no idea what you're talking about," he lied. "Now, I guess I'll go ask Keefe."

"I'm sure he'll say yes," Sophie said, in the same sing-song voice.

He hated her.

"Bye!" she called, as he jogged away, back towards Tribunal Hall, where Keefe was in the middle of a conversation with Dex. It might have been an argument, he couldn't tell from the distance, and Keefe walked away from Dex to meet Fitz once they met eyes. Keefe reached one arm out, like he was thinking of hugging Fitz, and then abruptly brought it back to his side. The strangest feeling of disappointment settled in the pit of his stomach.

"Hey, um, Fitz. How are you... feeling?"

Well, that was a stupid question. "You're an Empath."

"Even if I could feel what you were feeling- which I'm not, cause I'm not touching you right now- I would have no idea how to interpret that."

Yes. Right. They weren't touching. Other than Sophie, Keefe needed physical contact. That wasn't usually something they thought about. The two of them used to make casual contact often enough that Keefe had no problem reading Fitz's emotions. But not anymore. Which was... fine. Not at all disappointing. He wasn't at all disappointed at how they weren't quite as close anymore. You're only less close because you're pushing him away, dumbass. He ignored his annoyingly smart inner voice.

"Fitz? Feeling okay?"

"I..." Well, he definitely wouldn't believe an I'm fine. "I don't know," he settled on. "I just can't... live in the same house as him."

No need to specify who "him" was.

"What other options do you have?"

Here goes. "IwaskindofsortofwonderingifitwouldbealrightifIstayedwithyou," he blurted.

Keefe blinked. "Can you... um... repeat that?"

If it weren't for the faint pink in his cheeks, Fitz might not have suspected that Keefe caught the gist of his question. He repeated it anyway. "Your house. I was wondering if I could stay at your house. Instead of with Alvar. I'll go die now."

"Dying seems excessive."

"Yeah. I just. Argh. This is awkward."

He shrugged. "I don't mind that you're awkward. It's cute."

All of his focus turned to trying not to explode as he frantically shook the gay panic out of his hands. Cute. He said cute. Cool. Cool. Cool cool cool cool cool cool. This is fine. "Um. Yeah. So... what do you think?"

"Yes."

"Yes?"

"Yes, you can stay at my place."

Oh! "Oh. Okay. Great."

"Great."

"I'll... uh... I mean, I should probably get back to Everglen and pack?"

Keefe nodded. "I'll let my dad know. He probably won't be thrilled, but luckily, I don't care."

"Sounds good."

"Alright. See you soon." As he walked away, he gave a little wave. Fitz was busy nearly sprinting in the opposite direction.

That could have gone better.

He'd been hoping to get in, pack, and get out of his house- maybe his parents would be too busy fawning over Alvar to notice him?- but unfortunately, that wasn't the case. Della ambushed him on his way to the stairs and tried to start a conversation about how this is difficult on all of us but Fitz should try to keep an open mind and see how much Alvar has changed. He wanted very badly to exit that conversation.

"Mom. I need to go upstairs and pack."

"Pack for what? Where are you going?"

"Keefe's house." He started up the stairs.

"For a sleepover?"

That would be one way of interpreting it. An extended sleepover. "Yeah, you could say that."

Della's eyes bore into him. "How long do you plan on staying?"

"Until Alvar's out of my house."

She sighed. "Fitz, he is still your brother-"

"And he's a murderer. I don't want to live with him. I'll call you and Dad, okay?"

A long pause. Then, finally. "I won't stop you."

"Thanks."

That conversation definitely could have gone better. He slammed his door shut and locked it, in case any other well meaning relatives tried to bother him, and threw his things into a bag. Clothes, though if he didn't pack enough he could always steal from Keefe, and a few books. His Foxfire things (tempting as it was to leave them here). He was mentally checking items off a packing list when a knock sounded on his door.

"Mom, I told you-"

"It's Biana."

"Oh. You can come in, then." He leaned over and unlocked the door for his sister. Her eyes were red. 

"I hear you're moving in with Keefe?"

He put a hair brush into his back. "Yeah. Do you, um, also want to come? I don't like the idea of you living with Alvar. I don't want him to... hurt you again." Ugh, protective older sibling instincts. They always arrived when it was the most annoying. 

"I've got better things to do than watch you gay idiots pine over each other. If it gets really bad here, Linh said I could stay with her."

"Oh, so then Tam will be the one watching gay idiots pine."

Biana went bright red. "Shut up, Fitzroy."

He grinned at her. "Make me."

A pillow flew at his face. He threw it back, and for a second, their family was unbroken. But obviously, it couldn't last, because Alvar was on his way and the family was a wreck. He got one last shot in with the pillow, then hugged Biana. "Call me if you need anything, okay?"

"Call me and spill the tea if anything happens with Keefe," she replied tearfully. 

"Nothing is going to- okay. Fine. Love you, Bee."

With that, he left his house and went to go... move in with his crush. This was fine. This would be fine. 

[chaos0pikachu]

Hey there kind person who let me see things in a new fashion

I read all of your theories about kinnporsche the series and i must say that YOU ARE SMART AS HELL

You do indeed read into things too much but never change it

You must be happy with the person you are aaah while reading your thoughts i both felt jealousy and admiration

It’s not a question or anything till now but i really want to know what molded you to the person you are now

Please can you give a list of your favourite shows/movies and books?

Thank you in advance

I guess I’m obliged to say love you although i have zero clue about you

Byeew

This is the sweetest shit to open my blog too kudos anon I'm feeling like the Grinch when his heart grew three sizes

Ah, I'm not really one to reveal things about myself, I have this blog to be as separate as possible from my personal/professional life. I'll just attribute any knowledge I have or share with two things:

I've been in fandom for almost 25 years (I'm not in my 60s or anything I just started fandom life very young, around age 10)

I've worked about a decade or so in various creative fields, one of these fields required a lot of research so I became really good at researching stuff lol

If there's one thing I would recommend people, it's having intellectual and emotional curiosity about the world outside of them and the media they consume. Example, I was talking with @luckydragon10 about Porsche's phoenix tattoo. Now as an American, I'm more familiar with the western myths about the phoenix as a mythical animal and some basic Chinese myths. I'm not familiar with any Thai specific myths, so I researched it and found a really cool legend called: Manohra: The Tale of the Kinnari

I recommend reading the article as well, but that's the gist of the story. Now, is this what Porsche's phoenix tattoo is meant to reference? I'm not sure, but I wouldn't be surprised since this tale is, according to my research, one of the most popular legends in Thailand and a popular dance as well. But like, if I only took the tattoo from my western perspective instead of being curious enough to research Thailand's own history of folktales, legends, myths, etc I wouldn't have known this!

So I really recommend people not get caught up in just the media they consume as the end-all-be-all of the world. Be curious about the stories origins, who made them, their stories, what history they come from.

Please can you give a list of your favourite shows/movies and books?

OOf let's see:

Shows: Move to Heaven, One Piece, Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood, Spartacus, Haunting of Bly Manor/Hill House, Hellbound, Justice League, Hellsing Unlimited, Trigun, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Gurran Lagann, are all I can think of at the moment, I don't like TV shows tbh I prefer movies

Movies: Summer Wars, Train to Busan, Snowpiercer, Logan, Evil Dead, Promare, Princess Mononoke, Castle in the Sky, You're Next, Ready or Not, Ip Man, Battle Royale, Shape of Water, Hero, are the ones I can think of off the top of my head

Books (note I'm including comics under books): Alice 19th, Fruits Basket, The Iliad, The Theban Plays, CLAMP's works, Red River, Lord of the Flies, World War Z, JLA A League of One, Paul Dini's Worlds Greatest Superheroes, Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation

I know there's probably more, but I take a Marie Kondo approach to "favorites". Things constantly shift in and out.

(sidenote: I had a whole tangent in here about my feelings/thoughts regarding Until We Meet Again but I've talked enough lmao so I cut it)

Happy to talk with ya Anon, it's super flattering that you're at all interested in your local chaos elmo!

[one-abuse-survivor]

Tired is when you're sick of life, or feel weighed down by the stuff around you. Sleepy is when you want to go to bed. That's how me and my friend do it, anyhow. At this point, I'm fucking exhausted to the point where I feel too tired to let it out but im gonna anyways. There's bits in here that I can't tell my friend, or anyone, so i'm hoping bc this is anonymous i can let it out. Right, intro done lol. Onto the story. Last night, i have no idea what time, maybe five or six, (all i know is this

thing ended at 7pm), my mom storms out of the room and comes back holding a bottle of water and her bag. She proceeds to tell my dad she found the bottle at the bottom of my bed, (basically im not supposed to have anything at the bottom of my bead bc asian tradition believes that youre on top of it and thats dirty or whatever). Then she pulls out my school photo, puts it on the table and tells my dad to look at it. Starts ranting about how I never listen, i look horrible, worst photo i've ever taken. 

Basically, I go to a private school, and they think I should look good, and then they spent some time lecturing me about how i was supposed to look right when i was in the school, I look like a boy, i act like a boy, my hair's a mop, I look like a hooligan. Start talking about when i dress to go to school, how my shoes aren't polished and one of them has laces that show the white inner. How my hair's messy at the back, if i saw someone in jeans and someone in a suit in the street, who would i think was respectful? They told me they shouldn't have let me into the school, they loved me too much, that's why, they should have let me go to this public school that has a reputation for being a mess, that i belong there, waste of money, they regret letting me go here, thought i was a respectable girl. 

Dad asked me again, who wouldd i think was respectful, the jeans or the suit, and I told him I don't know. We'll get to that later, but at that moment he sneered and snorted and looked at my mom. 'says she doesnt know' he jeers. I'd meant it as in 'i have no idea, please help me'. He took it as 'she doesn't know, and doesn't give a fuck'. I don't know how to look proper. they never taught me. they tell me that something looks good so i wear it. mom still buys my clothes for me. I have no fucking clue what looks proper and what doesn't. 

Anyways, somehow they moved onto uni, and my current work, and how I pull all-nighters and how dad thought i was smart but nopw he has no hope, how he sees me get up in the morning and know i'm going to fail the assessment, how i get distracted, how i take too long to shower, how i never learn, how i never help them around the house, they do everything for me and if he was in my shoes then he would work until 'smoke came out' (vietnamese saying), how he would be so grateful but i'm not and they're going to leave me (which is a normal threat for them lol) and how they're going to die (another normal threat, dad has a lifelong illness and mom has been struggling with leukaemia for years) and they're not going to pay for uni if i get a stupid degree, only if i get a good degree like they want which will actually help me (law), if i want to become an engineer (something im considering) then i can pay for it myself, then again it's not like i'm even going to get into uni, when they look at me, they have to think of the girl i was when i was five because if they think about me now they feel sad, they won't look at me because I make them sad, they had so much hope for me, now down the drain, no, down to the sewers, look at my cousins going out, one of them had piercings and infections and almost got tattoos and is a nurse in a prison with a husband who stressed her out so much she passed out at work, do i want that, that's what i will get if i dont work, basd job, assisstants have to buy pads for their bosses, horrible child, this will end one of two ways, one i listen to them and come back years later to thank them or i'll look up at the stars and wish that i'd listened to them and they regret having me and caring for me, if only they'd been better parents, they'd been too lenient, but i don't care do i because if i cared it'd show in my working to please them and i haven't done that so that means i don;t care about them.

Dad told me it was too late to change, then switches to tell me it's not too late, they ramble on about my internet use, (i have to ask them for internet) and i'm not acutlalyu doping work on it, i'm just fucking around, they kjnow, they know, i can lie all i want nbut it's true. Horrible child, they'll die, they'll die, That's the end of the conversation, we're not going to talk about it anymore. No, stop talking. I'm going to tell you this until i die. I'm going to keep saying it, beccause it's better that i say it and you not listen than i dont say it and regret not saying it. (okay, i can;t currently remember anything else of what they said lol.). By the way, you wanna know abt

[asks didn’t arrive and I asked for the last bit again]

ok lets hope to god this sends then. i think i know where i was up to - 'do you want to know about what was wrong with the photo' i think was meant to be that. anyways, yeah. guess what was wrong with it. i had a fucking splinge. like my hair was parted and a bit of the part was split. that's all i can see that's wrong with it. maybe my hair looked oily? idk but that's all i noticed. also said something after that about do u remember when dad asked me abt who did i think looked better the suit.

also can i add something i just remembered which is that one of them put folders on my shelf and mom told me she knew i put them there to hide what i was looking at on my laptop from her when i??? didnt??? put them??? there??? in the first place???? (the layout of my room allows the folders to block the view of someone from the door basically) i put new folders there after i think my dad put them there but i didnt originally put them there??? sorry it was a full ask rant and i have no idea what the freak i typed and what i didnt lol. but u get the gist i think. big fat lecture.

i am tired. my eyes were puffy and there was like this pool of snot floating on top of this pool of tears if you did get the ask sorry u had to read that twice. :(. i mean even tho u didnt see it i was able to let it all out. not sure if it made me feel better about anything but being able to do it at all is rlly nice. Thank you for that.

-----

No wonder you’re tired, nonnie... I’m really glad you could get all of this off your chest, and really sorry that you have to hear those awful things about yourself coming from your parents.

I’m a white European, so I don’t share many of your experiences and I don’t know how it is to live in a Vietnamese family, but I hope it’s okay to compare it a little bit with my experiences in my (very Christian) family--if not, you can absolutely skip the next paragraph! 

I have had a bunch of conversations with my therapist about traditions, religion, and misogyny, because since I cut my mother off, my grandfather has lectured me many times about how I am a bad daughter for looking out for myself and putting my life first instead of being devoted to my mother’s wants and needs. He told me that she’s sick and I’m horrible for not caring about that and abandoning her, and that if she doesn’t love me, I just have to work harder until I "crack her walls”. (As if I haven’t tried already, and as if she didn’t use her very mental illness as an excuse to abuse me). My therapist basically told me that sometimes, being the Disney villain in some people’s stories means you’re doing something right, because their vision of what’s right and what’s wrong (especially when it comes to daughters and women in general) is designed to hurt you, to make you put your family before yourself. That it’s never wrong to put yourself and your needs first, and that kids don’t owe their parents anything just because the parents brought them into this world--that was the parents’ choice, not the kid’s, and therefore it’s the parents’ responsibility to care for their kid, whoever that kid turns out to be; and not the kid’s responsibility to be the model child that the parents had in mind or to care for them.

Your parents belittling you for things you have little to no control over and accusing you of being responsible for their future deaths, for not knowing things that haven’t been explained to you, for not living up to their expectations without even giving you a chance to try, and for not “working for them as hard as they would in your place”, are all red flags of emotional abuse. Accusing you of things you don’t do and constantly drilling into your mind that they “know” you’re a horrible person who doesn’t want to learn or change is a red flag too, and probably an excuse to take the guilt off their shoulders for not taking the time to guide you in life and to explain anything to you before accusing you of not knowing it already. “It’s too late” puts the blame on you, but what it actually means is probably something along the lines of “It’s easier to scream at you than to put realistic expectations on you and then help you achieve them while respecting your boundaries and allowing you to make mistakes, but I don’t want to feel guilty about it, so let’s pretend you’re a lost cause, yeah?”

I used to go to a private school too, and my mother repeatedly told me that was the reason she struggled economically and that I had ruined her life. It wasn’t until I talked about it in therapy that I realised that I never had a choice in what school I went to. Same as I never had a choice in anything my mother decided for me. So how could I be to blame for the consequences of those decisions? And how can you? If they buy you certain clothes, then they have no right to criticise how you look in them. If they chose to put you in a private school, then the money spent is on them, not you. You shouldn’t have to “prove” you’re worth their decisions for you or their basic care for you--they chose to give you that unconditionally the moment they decided to have you in the first place, and if they refuse to give it or threaten to take it away, it’s becuase they’re neglectful and/or abusive, not because something intrinsic about you justifies it. You’re not a bad kid; you’re just a normal kid with very bad parents. And I’m really sorry that you have to put up with them. You deserve better 😔

I’m here if you need to vent again in the future, nonnie. Sending a virtual hug ���

[the-firebird69]

It could be that I am totally screwed mostly because of these retarded assholes made AI legal all over the place and wanted us to fight them and they're fighting them too and can't handle it and screwed up everything my friend says here is a United and they're releasing more shortly and into space which is probably an error and on to Titan which is an error but not necessarily A big one if we can get there I do understand what you say but there's a massive laser there we're in trouble and if they rebuild the laser it could be a lot worse than it is now or after we build the big one and I do understand what you're saying they can max out on everything and with all the AI up there in one place there's only one group that can access it mostly and that would be our friends any plan to he's going along with this plan the only problem is that we're forced to evacuate the shatteredome completely when the robots start invading oral forced to try and stop them we use emitters and it's a long arduous fight that I've been in now he says it might be coming back he says it definitely is a percentage and husband invading from the upper Midwest with plenty of cover to the East and to the West and some to the South. It is a huge huge Force that is coming down here because they hear all this and they're freaking out saying you let all that go too he let these idiots do what they wanted you put them in office on purpose and you can't handle any of it Tommy savino is admitting it on TV he has to but really it's his retards that didn't and we're destroying them in our country we've had it with them our friend just had it with him and had it with him a long time ago ages ago he's so smart and they're so stupid he doesn't want to stand next to them.

They're moving out and they're heading down to Florida it's going to be over here shortly that's what they say it might be and it might just take over I've got a huge mess to clean up then Max made just running around saying the controlling it thinking people will believe it Tommy have noted it and I went through it with him and he was saying and I said well you know how it usually ends and he says yeah there's nothing you can do his father didn't want to deal want to take over other clans did not want to make or negotiate and they didn't really get the gist of the urgency so Tommy f took it at a full gallop because it is urgent and it's very frightening and it's nerve-racking and you need the power not because of Matt did this today or this other group did this to us today or the Africans are in too much and also s*** it's an absolute emergency when you find out what's happening and I think Tommy f figured it out we admit that he did and it's way too much stuff going on for what BJ's doing he's a fool. And Trump is issuing his p letter so going after him there's no room for that either he's a jackass dismantling things demons are attacking you who the hell would need that you can't do anything to begin with and my son is pointing out something about that road that's washed out he said dirt bikes can make it and yes they can that's the only thing that can make it there's a section of road that has absolutely no road and he says you go on the edge and after the third motorcycle it makes a nice little path on the edge of the mountain and people do it all the time some people wipe out cuz it's difficult but really it forms a little pathway after a while cuz they keep going up the hill and it gets wider and dirt bikes going at all day long these Chinese dirt bikes are selling like madness now they figure out that it's a survivalist thing they're all going to buy one and hide it and hide them all all over eventually they'll have one and there'll be more made than anybody really wants no you need to make them you're having an emergency in closing I'd like to say that he's going to have his hearing shortly he's not ready for it and he's not going to be able to make the court date and he's got a conflict but he's got to go to DC cuz they're trying to take over so he's going to be a wanted man here finally

Thor Freya

[dustedandsocial]

i am curious: what is your political leanings? i know that you're (maybe) not a fan of the two party system but i wanted to know what you do identify as, if anything?

I’m spiritual (non-religious) and I’m anarchist. Those two things came to me simultaneously a few years ago. They inform and strengthen each other for me on a personal level, and work like keys to unlocking the other’s potential. They’re inseparable in my mind, but I won’t try to explain the link too much to anyone (want to hear about ego death!? It wouldn’t be any more interesting than listening to Joe Rogan talk about it, I assure you). Before that I was…vaguely socialist? I mostly shied away from presenting myself as political at all, outside of issues that I dealt with in my own life and had uncontrollable, visceral reactions to: immigration (my extended family, all immigrants of different distinctions), classicism (grew up on welfare, lived in section 8 housing in the middle of a very wealthy suburb), LGBTQ issues (lesbian mother, queer sisters), mental illness (ptsd/depression, familial mental illness, suicide in family).

I have always been worked up about racial and housing discrimination, especially as a teen. I was also arrested five times between the ages of 12 and 17, kicked out of school, and had nothing resembling a coherent politics. I was just angry and barking at adults, mostly. I managed to graduate from my “alternative” high school somehow (where I once got school credit for starting a fantasy basketball leauge for money, sold a teacher pot outside of school, and got high during every designated break), and then immediately turned to the left at the onset of adulthood. I remember attempting Marx at 18. Didn’t have the slightest fucking clue what I was reading when I took out (I think) Capital Vol. 1 from a library. So Chomsky it was!

I didn’t stick with politics for long, and was turned off by a lot of groups and organizing in San Francisco when I moved there the first time in 2002. Probably wasn’t finding the right people?

Pasolini was probably the biggest and most important entry point into legitimate left politics for me, though. Also the biggest entry point into art, and possibly my own psyche.

I’m not a fan of two, three, or ten party systems, and I think what’s relevant is building the social consciousness to the point where major problems in the world can be taken on without having to pay heed to parliamentary politics. In the meantime, we should find ways to take care of one another, solve each other’s problems, and hold each other accountable without the help of the state, also minimizing corporate influence (which is complicated and hard to even recognize half the time). And of course, challenge power in every way we can, doing so collectively.

But I’m relatively new to anarchism. I still rely on others to help me sort though issues. I have no academic background, and my upbringing made school impossible, regardless of how smart I may have been. I find myself in agreement most of the time with those who describe themselves as anarchist-communist. I’m anti-fascist, which also means “not a pacifist”, but definitely concerned with harm reduction.

I loathe anti-identatarian arguments coming from Marxists, and I truly, 100% don’t have faith that they’re capable of not being reductionist at this point. An awareness of and attack on white supremacy does not hinder class struggle. I think this has a lot to do with ego investment on the part of Marxists, who see issues revolving around identity as a challenge to the political niche they’ve carved for themselves, or just their role and status in society.

Casting a vote in an election is conceivable to me in rare circumstances, which is admittedly not very anarchist. Oh well! Wag your finger at me, I don’t give a fuck.

I both deeply respect Adolph Reed Jr and disagree with everything he says. I have a soft spot for older people who have stuck with the non-glamorous side of politics and organizing.

But yeah, thanks for asking! This was a good outlet to get stuff off my chest. That’s the gist! More than you asked for! Never typing that much about myself again! Forgive the indulgence! I think that was the best way I could illustrate my politics and explain what formed them, and explain why this blog changed so much over the last couple of years. But I’m definitely not the only one who has experienced a dramatic shift in attitude over that timespan.

Love & solidarity, death to fascists, etc.

[askauradonprep]

Hey sooo purely if you're up for it and you either read, seen the movie, or know the gist. Can you do Hogwarts Houses for the Core 4, Ben, Chad, Audrey, Jane, Doug, Lonnie, Harry, Uma, Gil, Harriet, Gaston twins, and CJ??

ASDFGHJKL; THIS IS MY JAM. I AM SO HERE FOR THIS ASK.  

Mal: I’m tentatively going to say a Slytherin because she DOES value power as a way to protect yourself, as well as other people being resourceful. At first, she valued these things because she wanted to be like her mother and be the baddest of them all, but now she values them because she wants people to use what they like to make them happy. But I can also see her going for Ravenclaw for her valuing creativity (whether that be for wickedness or artsy things).

Evie: Evie just strikes me as very much a Ravenclaw? Not only because she values her creativity for making clothes, but because she values her brain as she becomes more herself and not like her mother and that means the world to her.

Jay:  I can see a strong case for Hufflepuff as he learns about team work and loyalty and he comes to embody and value those traits.

Carlos: I’m unsure. I want to say either a Hufflepuff or a Ravenclaw because while he values his mind and creativity, both of which he uses for his means, and his desire for acceptance speaks to a Ravenclaw’s valuing of individuality, I can also see him strongly valuing loyalty and kindness after basically receiving none.

Ben: Oh my god, he is such a Hufflepuff, how does he even DO that?

Chad: I’m gonna say either a jerk jock Gryffindor or a guy who professes Hufflepuff values (like honesty and fair play) but he’s really more interested in using the rules as a cudgel and we all know it.

Audrey: Either a Ravenclaw (valuing creativity) or a Slytherin (valuing her family, leadership qualities, traditionalism and self-preservation). I lean towards Slytherin, which isn’t a bad thing. She’s just got a lot of desire to win and get some glory and lead.

Jane: I’m gonna say Hufflepuff because she valued Carlos for kindness (and being a cutie pie, but that’s not a house trait).

Doug: This is tricky. We don’t get to see much of Doug. I’m going to tentatively say Hufflepuff, since he tried to get Evie a fair chance to prove herself, and he also seems to be impressed by how much work she puts into her chemistry and business. 

Lonnie: Oh jeez, GRYFFINDOR. She values bravery and nerve and if rules get in the way of doing right, then forget the rules. She seems to enjoy a good scrap too.

Harry: My first thought was Evil Hufflepuff because he’s about as loyal as it gets, but I can see arguments made for Slytherin (admires power, ambition and also because, I’m going to be honest, I can’t see him in a different house from Uma - that just feels WRONG. I can see one or the other going to the house the other is in by choice) or Gryffindor (nerve and bravery - kid has GUTS) and the disregard for rules for both houses. I’m kinda leaning towards Hufflepuff who admires his boss’ Slytherin characteristics. 

Uma: Slytherin. Fight me. 

Gil: Probably Hufflepuff tbh. He’s a people pleaser, and that speaks to loyalty to me. He’s also fairly good at working hard for his crew - he’s the one who fixes the necklace and decodes something in the books (I forget what). 

Harriet: Either a Ravenclaw or a Slytherin. She values people who are smart because the smart people survive while the brave people get themselves killed. She hedges towards self preservation and shrewdness though, so I lean towards Slytherin. 

Gaston Jr & Gaston Third: Evil Gryffindors, probably heavily influenced by dear old jerky dad. 

CJ: Either a Gryffindor or Ravenclaw. She’s crafty, surprisingly so, and creative, but she longs for adventure and has a lot of nerve. 

[valkyrie-echo]

Project Echo, Part 3: Chapter 20 (Not Dead Yet)

Part 3 Summary: Seven years after the events of “Part 2”, Avengers Tower explodes, fulfilling Bucky’s vision. All evidence points to Avengers Shadow-Ops leader Inessa Ryker, who is forced to seek out Bucky in hiding. Together they must determine who the traitor is in their ranks and if their friends are still alive- all while trying to survive deadly ambushes orchestrated by Sam Wilson and his hand-picked army.

Before this chapter begins: With Amadeus and Inessa sharing a body for this chapter, I wanted to give him a voice in things too, but in a way that wasn't too confusing.

 Therefore, except when italics are used to emphasize a word in a sentence, anything like: Amadeus: or Inessa: means that they are thoughts, not something spoken. You could have probably figured that out on your own, but I just wanted to give you a heads up to avoid confusion :)

Chapter 20: Not Dead (Yet)

Bucky's face broke into a massive grin and he pulled Amadeus into a tight hug, "Inessa, I- you're-"he couldn't find the words for the incredible relief that washed over him.

Amadeus: Get him off me. Get. Him. Off. Of. Me. And if you two kiss I swear to god-

"We're freaking the host out," Inessa pushed Bucky away lightly. She suppressed her smile- she had to admit it was a nice hug.

Amadeus: NO. That is NOT allowed in MY BODY!

Inessa: Stop reading my mind!

Amadeus: I can't NOT, you're broadcasting loud and clear!

Inessa: I've never done this before, give me a break!

"How are you doing this?" Bucky had no idea Inessa and Amadeus were bickering, "I thought you were gone."

"It's kind of hard to explain… Amadeus, shut up for a few minutes, OK?" She caught the confusion on her companion's face and pointed to her (Amadeus') head, "He's being noisy," it was hardly an explanation, but Bucky was willing to take it.

Inessa: I just realized I have no idea how to explain this.

Amadeus: Well, show me what you know and I'll try to talk you through it.

"Um, alright," she decided to parrot her lieutenant, "The wolves in the Valley- they weren't wolves, they were something I made without realizing it. My eyes were brown when I was little, but between Dimitri's drunken beatings and the general stress of growing up broke in a place like Englewood, I wasn't shutting my power down as quickly as I got older. When Hydra took me I was always trying to use my abilities, testing their frequency and with everything… I never stopped. I never let go of the shadows. Frequency or no, my powers were still active, so my eyes didn't change back."

"Amadeus thinks the Hydra attacks and the accidents when I was little are linked to my emotions. The wolves became more feral the angrier and more afraid I became. After Hydra they were psychotic because with everything I'd just about lost my mind too. I was broken, beyond terrified, and desperate for the world to make some sort of sense for five minutes in a row. They fed off that confusion and were out of control."

Amadeus: You lost your mind to Hydra…

Inessa: Yeah, and a lot of people suffered for it.

Amadeus: You lost your mind… To that hundred-plus year old man over there you were just thinking is such a nice hugger.

Inessa: Amadeus Cho don't you start in on that-

Amadeus: You're literally in my head, I can see your every thought and as an inside AND outside observer let me make it clear: I DON'T APPROVE OF ANY MORE HUGGING!

She felt like taunting him out of spite, What about-

Amadeus: NONE OF THAT EITHER, YOUNG LADY!

"So what was the armor then? That stuff- I thought it was killing you." Bucky could tell there was some internal dialogue going on between Inessa and Amadeus, but he couldn't hear what they were saying and there was information he definitely needed.

Amadeus: Repeat after me, ghoul-

"The wolves- it took power to form and maintain them," she wasn't sure it would work, but Inessa held up Amadeus' arm, "one percent of my power for every wolf- not really but let's pretend- one hundred wolves means one hundred percent of my power. Then instead of the shadows forming from this," she let black mist run down Amadeus' arm, "it starts sucking its power from me. If left unchecked it will kill me." She closed her fist and pure black armor erupted from the flesh, wholly encasing it, "This is what one hundred percent in one spot looks like, but it's self-contained. I create it, then it keeps itself going, unlike the wolves. The wolves keep drawing from me, this- it's like a battery backup.

"We didn't know what it was the first time. Using my power the way I did pulled way more than I'd ever tried to use before. My system was strained, my powers started drawing from my body, and somehow I created the armor. It was protecting me, I think, covering me so that I could extend my abilities just a little bit longer during the day. Travis didn't understand- none of us did. The armor protected me from my own powers. He- Travis- pushed me into the sun, shorted it out before it could form all the way. My power turned on me, just about killed me because I couldn't shut it off.

"The Avengers thought it was the Shadow dislodging from the host, so when Travis found me at the Collector's Vault he tried to jump-start me again, knock me clean out of this world. The armor was the overflow power. I couldn't shut it down, couldn't see or hear anything. Berny's gun forced everything to stop- the wolves, the armor- he reset my abilities and threw a lot of power back into me… Did that make any sense?"

Amadeus: Only if he has brain damage.

Bucky nodded, "I think so."

Amadeus: Oh, that's comforting.

Inessa got the gist of what Amadeus was trying to explain- armor good, armor help. No armor bad.

Amadeus: Have I told you lately you're a true intellectual juggernaut?

Inessa: Suck it.

"What's our next move? I was going to go for the intel before Sam tossed me in here. I think as long as Berny believes you're dead he can be persuaded to help us."

"First we need to know- Amadeus, who did Sam bring?"

Amadeus: Castor, Ellie, Eoin, Geoff, Kelsey, Marie, Maya, Raj, Travis, and myself. There are a handful of Asgardians, I'd believe if they had numbers instead of names. They're drones, but their leader's a snake- Calder.

"Alright, we've got Castor Kane, he's from Stark's team so he's a tech expert. He doesn't have superpowers but he's an excellent fighter. Next is Ellie Burke, a psychic from Natasha's team. She isn't as powerful as Madelyn Pryor was, but she can do basic mind reading, memory wipes, and she can influence emotion on the unsuspecting. Eoin O'Meara isn't an Avenger, he's a thug. Do you remember Mallory Ivanou?"

Bucky nodded, "Your best friend."

"Eoin is one of the ex-Hydra prisoners I handed over when she found me in Alaska. They started dating. When I formed the first Shadow Unit to help keep Steve out of trouble she was the first teammate I chose. Eoin came with her. He revealed our attack plans to Thanos in the Infinity War and got her along with eight other Avengers killed. If the death toll hadn't already been into seven digits we would have killed him too."

"Powers?"

"Healing. Also- be warned- he was about to be named leader of a second Black Ops unit when he betrayed us. He's smart and dangerous, a real sociopath."

"Who else is in Sam's arsenal?"

"Geoff Smith. He's from Steve's team, a teleporter. Then there's Kelsey Leigh- think Thor but with a sword instead of a hammer, she's also from Steve's team."

"Is there any significance to that? Two from his team?" Bucky was asking all the right questions, Inessa could tell Amadeus was impressed.

"Thanks to someone's prophecy Steve started turning on me first. It caused a lot of issues with the other Avengers, so like with any conflict things started to polarize. You had to be all in or all against, no middle ground. The other Avengers saw it as a personal attack on one of their own, Steve's team had to get pretty aggressive to defend his position for him. Kelsey and Geoff probably hate me almost half as Eoin- and they're both pretty much at the point where they'd like to see my face peeled off and sewn on inside out. That says more about Eoin's capacity for hate than it does about theirs."

Bucky grimaced, "They'll be spirited. Got it. Marie messes with temperature, Maya?"

"Maya Lopez is from Thor's group, so she might not hate me quite as vividly as the others. Maya is stone deaf- unlike Clint the hearing aids couldn't help her. She's a fighter like Castor but with superhuman speed and reflexes- you and Natasha minus the strength, basically. She'll move about twice as fast as me, half a step faster than you. Rajesh Patel, also from Thor's team, is a master of invisibility. Sam brought him for his power, no doubt. He's good in a fight, but just trust your instincts over your eyes with him- he tends to fake right and dive left. Thor turned on me second-to-last, so his team is still new to the hate. They'll be hard to pin down. Last man on the list is Travis Ivanovich of Banner's team. He's a doctor, he can take away your pain or give you more- don't let him touch you. Eoin can't be trusted, Sam knows this, and I'm betting he brought Travis along as a back-up medic for when Eoin turns on them."

"Two from Steve and Thor's teams, Natasha, Stark, Banner, and two from your team, counting Amadeus. Why didn't Sam bring any of his own people? His lieutenant?"

Inessa shook her head, "That's what makes this all so difficult. Sam was the last one to turn on me. He believed in me when no one else would- and I took that for granted. I pushed him away, hard, and made him look back over all that evidence with an angry eye. Then- then something happened that sealed the deal. Hell, if I didn't know any better I'd have turned on me too. His team didn't even get the chance to learn to hate me. He's probably left them on Earth to keep an eye on Wanda and Vision. I spent the last month working on them while I was looking for you and convincing them I wasn't a threat. Sam isn't listening to his own people anymore because they were counseling patience when he just wanted blood. I'm more scared of him than I am of all of them combined."

Amadeus: You're not going to tell him what happened to-

Inessa: No. Not unless he asks. I want him to trust me. If he finds out about Noelle then he'll turn on me, guaranteed.

Amadeus: You don't know that.

Inessa: I do, because you turned on me, and you had a million more reasons to trust me than he does right now.

Amadeus: Nessie, I'm sorry. I'll never stop being sorry.

Inessa: It's alright Amadeus. The big bad was smart this time. If they weren't then I'd have figured it out sooner.

Amadeus: Figured what out? Who's doing this?

Inessa couldn't help it. Under normal circumstances she'd just close her mouth and refuse to speak, but she and Amadeus were in one another's heads. At his question the entire puzzle appeared, laid out perfectly, even with the multitude of assumptions she'd made based off of what evidence was available from the blood magic straight to the face of their enemy.

Inessa: Don't freak out.

Amadeus: So it was-

Inessa: Yes.

Amadeus: And Thanos' Warlord is-

Inessa: Yeah…

Amadeus: It's-

Inessa: I'm fairly positive, yeah. It's the only thing that makes sense.

He was surprisingly silent for a few moments. Bucky could see from the glint in Amadeus' eyes that Inessa was busy communicating with the body's owner, so he saved his question until her focus was shifted back outwards. Suddenly though she jumped and covered her ears, "Amadeus stop screaming!" she hissed.

Amadeus: WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Inessa: No, we're all only probably going to die!

Amadeus: NO, WE'RE COMPLETELY FUCKED! WE'RE DEAD, GONE, KAPUT!

Inessa: Now do you see why I don't blame you for turning on me?

Amadeus: BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO DIE WITH REGRETS?! Go ahead- hug Bucky again, kiss him, screw him, do whatever makes you happy because THE MOTHERFUCKING REAPER HAS ALL OUR NAMES ON HIS LIST!

Inessa: Now you're just being dramatic.

Amadeus: YES, THAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FIND OUT YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!

Inessa: Can I talk to Bucky while you melt down? We've got to find this S.O.B, get out of here alive, get away from Sam, deal with a certain little traitor friend of ours, figure out a plan to survive the Warlord, and get our friend's back.

Amadeus: They're lucky. They're already dead.

Inessa: Amadeus…

Amadeus: Go chat. I'll just be sitting here, reminiscing fondly on simpler foes… LIKE THANOS!

"You've got your question face on," Inessa ignored the headache Amadeus was giving her and turned back to Bucky, who was blissfully ignorant of how devastatingly outmatched they were, "go for it."

"How many members are on each team?"

Amadeus: Oh snap.

Her heart sank. She knew where this would end, "Four. With Marie's addition we had even numbers across all teams."

He shook his head, "So why didn't Sam bring any lieutenants? Second in command- they'd be most out for blood and the rest could stay behind to keep the world safe."

Amadeus: Your luck is never this good. He's going to ask about Noelle next.

"Travis is a lieutenant. He's one of the angrier ones. The others swore an oath- if anything happens to the leaders they have to focus on getting Earth's defenses back up. They count themselves as the leaders now, and Travis will lose that position since he came with Sam and broke the oath. You already know Amadeus is my lieutenant. I'm betting Sam brought him to try and win over the others on Earth who aren't so sure I'm guilty. If my lieutenant seconds my execution then any Avengers with a shadow of a doubt of my guilt will be more likely to support Sam- even after he's killed another leader."

Amadeus: Never. I've got your back now boss, I promise. Until I die a painful, agonizing, terrifying, horrific death.

Inessa: You just said 'ouch' and 'scary' two different ways, but I still appreciate the sentiment.

Amadeus: Appreciate away, because the next question he asks-

"I get that this has all ballooned into something bigger than you anticipated," Bucky nodded to Inessa, "I think I understand why you were so angry when you found me."

Amadeus: Wow. Really? You're actually having a good day for once? He's not asking why Sam only brought Marie and I?

Inessa flat-out ignored him, "I was running out of time. If I didn't get to you before Heimdall's summons… Alone this is suicide. Alone there is absolutely no hope of us finding the others. I'm not even sure Steve, Nat, Clint, Tony, Banner, and Thor won't still blame me, if they're alive."

Amadeus: Knowing our enemy? Yeah, I'll bet most of them are still alive. Not Thor or Tony- they're not unusual like the others, but Steve and Nat for sure are good for some human experiments. Banner too, probably. Clint's at least a vaguely interesting oddity, ability-wise. He probably lasted a couple weeks- or had his eyes ripped out the first day.

Inessa: Amadeus, we need hope right now, not reality.

Amadeus: Sorry Nessie, it's hard to control what you hear me think.

Inessa: Ellie will be done with her inspection of my body soon, then I can go back and you can be as pessimistic as you want.

Amadeus: I appreciate that.

Bucky had already decided to trust Inessa, but she was still cagey around sharing intel. Still, she was warming up, and that was better than blind hope for the future. At least now he had a grasp of Sam's forces, "Amadeus or Inessa- what can you tell me about Calder?"

Amadeus raised his arm, "Inessa with Amadeus adding in. Calder is one of Odin's guards. I'm fairly confident he knows Odin is-"she forgot she couldn't say. The damned curse followed her into a new body! At least Bucky already knew that-

Amadeus: LOKI IS ODIN AND THE FUCKING SHADOW KING?!

Inessa: At last, a silver lining.

"Anyways," she could tell Bucky knew where her thoughts had been going, "He controls the Asgardians, but Amadeus says he's shifty, like he's trying to be sneaky."

"Yeah," Bucky nodded, "I've got a bad feeling about that one. I'll handle him if it comes to that."

"Alright," Inessa was content to let him handle whatever issue he foresaw, "there's something else we've got to take care of. I know the emergency procedures and Sam's routine- I know he's got Ellie scanning my body right now looking for me. When she doesn't find me, she'll look elsewhere just to be sure. Once she's done with my body, I can go back into it. Sam, however, is going to check JARVIS' protocols."

Amadeus: Wait, you're not saying-

"What protocols?"

"The embedded comms. Tony installed a shit-ton of personal scanners after the Infinity War so the comms can be hacked to monitor vital signs and do scans of brainwaves. Basically? Sam's got a remote suit on this ship somewhere to act as a relay for the comms. That suit is scanning data from my comm. If anyone knows I'm not gone, it'll be JARVIS and my brain activity scans."

"So we need to destroy the suit?" Bucky was planning how to get out of the cell.

"No, and that's too obvious. JARVIS' scans are locked- only Steve and Tony together can unlock the medical data, it was a condition of the end of their war. Neither can access that unless the other is present. What Sam can do, however, is ask JARVIS for Amadeus' status."

"I don't follow."

"JARVIS can't tell Sam if I'm still in the body or not, it violates that part of his programming. He can however indicate if I'm gone or not by how he refers to Amadeus."

Amadeus: You wouldn't dare…

Inessa tapped Amadeus' comm, "JARVIS, tone and cadence match. Identify and patch to system mainframe."

"Inessa Ryker. Shadow Unit Leader. Speaking through Amadeus Cho." The automated reply guaranteed Sam wouldn't be able to track this call through comms. It wasn't like a normal chat with JARVIS, it was directly accessing a part of his coding.

"Good. Now listen up- I, Inessa Nadya Antonia Emilia Ryker-"

Amadeus: DON'T YOU DARE!

"-hereby vote in favor-"

Amadeus: I WILL SIDE WITH SAM AGAINST YOU, FOR REAL!

"-of making Amadeus Cho-"

Amadeus: I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS!

"-leader of Avengers Black Ops Unit number two."

Amadeus: EVERYTHING YOU LOVE! I WILL PEE ON EVERYTHING YOU LOVE!

"In the fourth and final vote before the explosion I abstained. Now my vote is cast. JARVIS, report the results."

"Unanimous vote achieved. The Shadow Unit has been divided. Amadeus Cho is now Leader of Avengers Black Ops."

Amadeus: YOU EVIL WENCH! EVIL! DEVIL-WOMAN! I HOPE YOU- ooh…

Inessa: What?

Amadeus: I just remembered what Leaders get paid. Kaching!

Inessa: No more peeing?

Amadeus: Not at the moment, no.

Bucky raised his eyebrows, "What did you just do?"

Inessa grinned, "Sam's going to try and get JARVIS to verify my 'death' by asking who Amadeus Cho is. JARVIS is going to tell him my old lieutenant is now leader of Avengers Black Ops. Sam won't think to ask the right questions to get JARVIS to show him that vote again and see that mine changed in favor. It's a smokescreen, but a damned clever one. Bucky, until this is over and you're back on Earth, can you be my new lieutenant?"

"Just don't tell JARVIS. Whatever he has me listed as cannot change, or else Sam will know something's up."

"Deal."

Amadeus: Wait, doesn't that mean I can order the others around? Even Marie?

Inessa: You were a lieutenant, dumbass. You could always order them around.

Amadeus: Oh yeah…

Inessa: Travis lost his status, remember? You can boss him around too for fun.

Amadeus: Oh, it's a beautiful new world...

"So what's your next move? Grab another body and get the intel we came for?"

Inessa shook Amadeus' head in the negative, "Too risky. I found Amadeus by his mark, but those are all fading now- fast. I can't see anyone else as strongly except for Geoff and he hates me. We'd get our intel, but he could cause a lot of problems with my control in that body. Any struggle for dominance would tip Sam off too quickly- he could take off with you two and I'd be screwed."

"Does Amadeus trust you now?"

Amadeus: Utterly and apologetically.

"Yeah," she half-smiled, "but I had to show him everything. It would at least temper Geoff's hostility to do the same, but Bucky-"she shook her head.

"More sensitive intel?" Inessa nodded, "I get it, don't worry. I'm getting used to this."

"The fewer who know what I know the better our chances of finding Steve and the others. Geoff would be too obvious. I can only trust Amadeus with this. He's a good enough liar and I didn't exactly have a choice in sharing. You? I need your actions and reactions to be as genuine as possible. It's the only way this goes forward."

Amadeus: I disagree, but fine. Have it your way.

Bucky considered their options carefully, "You should go back to your body, protect it in case Sam decides to hurt it just to make sure you're gone for good. Can you keep your eyes brown?"

Amadeus' eyes abruptly lost their unearthly hue, "I think I can, yeah."

"Nadya escaped from Berny's weapon, but you probably know that already," he advised, "keep her back. If Sam gets a whiff of her here he'll know you aren't gone."

"Okay."

"Amadeus- of the two of us you have the best chance of being allowed out of here to find the intel, considering they think Inessa is out of play. Now, I think I can get them to let you go, but it's going to be very painful. Inessa, considering our history-"

"My history with the Winter Soldier," she corrected.

"-you should go before we begin."

"Oh no," she was adamant, "if that's how you want to handle this I'm staying right here-"

Amadeus: Nessie, it's alright. I knew it was going to happen as soon as he was dropped in this cell. The only way they'll pull me out is if there's a fight. He hits me around a bit, they feel sorry and let me go. It isn't like I could help you now anyways, what with you being dead and all.

Inessa: I'm not saying it's not a good idea, but I've got a much higher tolerance for pain than you. I can protect you so you don't even feel it. I've had a lifetime of practice.

Amadeus: Repeat after me, O Stubborn One:

"He wants a test hit with me in the body to prove something," Inessa rolled her eyes.

"Are you sure, I'm really not comfortable with-"

"I know… I know. Just- let's just do this so he'll stop bitching and we can get going. Sam won't stick around here forever."

Bucky reminded himself this was the best plan to get the boy out of the cell. Sam wasn't fighting with Amadeus, only Bucky, who'd taken Inessa's side time and time again against him. Amadeus wasn't a threat, Sam just needed a push to force him to see it. Bucky pulled his fist back slowly, willing a better plan to come to mind, "Ready?"

Amadeus: Ready.

"We're ready," Inessa braced for the blow. When Bucky's fist connected with her jaw the explosion of pain as she was launched back into the wall sparked a memory. She clamped down on it before it reared up too far, but even half a second was long enough for Amadeus to get a vivid picture of their past.

"Are you OK?" Bucky helped pull Amadeus and Inessa back up and lightly touched where his fist connected, feeling for broken bones. Remorse was written all over his face.

Amadeus: He's going to have to work on his mean-face.

"I'm fine," Inessa ignored Amadeus. She rubbed her jaw just around where Bucky was hovering and practiced opening and closing it a few times. Nothing broken, but it would hurt like a bitch for a few days, "Amadeus was just proving why you kicking me out was a good idea."

Amadeus: The psychological ramifications on you are just one part of it, Inessa. Even if you protect me from the blows you can't shield me from what they'll make you see. I saw some of the footage of what Dennisson did to you in Astana after Steve made me your lieutenant. I can't- I'd rather take one hit at a time than take one and re-live four others that much worse. I know it's selfish, but-

Inessa: It's not selfish, Amadeus. I didn't think about what could happen, I won't let you see any of that. No one should.

"I'm sorry Nessa," Bucky didn't know what else to say.

"It's still not your fault," she patted Bucky's hand to comfort him, "Just promise me you'll go easy on Amadeus? Nothing too bad?"

"I'll knock him out after the first couple of screams get their attention," he hated how horrible that sounded.

Amadeus always faced fear with humor, and this time it was no exception, it's alright Nessie, it won't take long. I'm a screamer. Just ask-

Inessa: I already know you and Kelsey had a fling, I don't need visuals or audio… OH MY GOD, STOP THINKING ABOUT IT! I CAN SEE THAT TOO YOU KNOW!

Amadeus: That was payback for earlier. Now- SCRAM!

"Fine, I'm going, I'm going. Ellie should be done by now anyways."

"See you on the other side?" Bucky tried to smile.

"I'll see you there. Good luck, and try to look scarier," Inessa squeezed Bucky's hand, then let herself slip away back into her body.

Amadeus sighed as he returned to full control of his body. It was starting to feel cramped in there. Bucky waited while he stretched and got his bearings again, "Ready, kid?"

"Hold on," something burned in Amadeus' eyes, a cunning Bucky didn't realize the boy possessed, "Inessa thinks you're safer left in the dark, I disagree. It's too dangerous to tell you anything outright, but I've got three things for you. A tip, a worry, and a riddle. Figure out the answer to the last one and you'll know half the story. Maybe more."

"This won't risk the mission?" Bucky wanted answers more than anything- but not if getting them meant killing any Avenger leader still alive.

"The first two are common knowledge amongst us, only you're out of the loop. The riddle- you've thought of it before, you must have! If half the stories about you are true you'd have noticed. You just didn't know how important it was. The plot-hole in Inessa's story."

"Go ahead," Bucky still thought this was a bad idea, but he couldn't resist.

"Your tip- there are three factions among the Avengers. The first and smallest believes that Inessa is innocent. She won over Wanda and Vision late in the game, but as far as I know it's just you, me, those two, and the Guardians right now in that camp. The second and largest unit believes Inessa is being controlled by the Shadow King- Loki. That's myself- formerly- and most of the teams on Earth and with Sam. They won't trust anything that comes out of her mouth, but they might be convinced, eventually. The last faction is the most dangerous- those who believe Inessa did all of this intentionally. Sam, Marie, Geoff, and Eoin are the most charismatic- they inspire the rest to hate. They think Inessa planned Steve, Natasha, Clint, Tony, Thor, and Banner's deaths right from the second she got out of that cryo tube in South Korea. No mind control, no room for uncertainty. To them she's pure evil. Adjust your tone accordingly."

"Understood," Bucky had guessed that much already, but it was nice to have confirmation.

"Next, the worry: Inessa found evidence that suggests whoever the puppet master is," Amadeus knew exactly who it was, but he made it very clear that intel wasn't up for grabs, "they were trying to replicate her powers. That's why Inessa won't go through the Valley, even to save herself. There's a chance she might not be alone anymore. No evidence has ever been found to back this up, but she's been right so far. I'm willing to be she isn't wrong here."

A chill crept up Bucky's spine. Now it all made sense- whenever he'd asked Inessa for information she'd looked away. He assumed she was breaking eye contact, shutting the conversation down- but the more he thought about it the more he realized that she wasn't just looking away, she was looking into the shadows as if they might have ears. That was why he'd never get the full story. That was why she needed him lost in all of this- it was literally too dangerous to tell him anything of value.

"And now your riddle," abruptly Amadeus jumped forward and put his mouth to Bucky's ear to whisper, "Why did Nikolai Ryker risk everything to flee Hydra with his niece only to sell her back later without a second thought?"

Bucky's eyes widened as Amadeus leaned back against the wall. The boy was right- when he found out Dimitri Aristov was Inessa's recruiter and uncle he'd been aghast. As he tortured the man to death he asked over and over again why he'd done it, how he could be so cruel to his own blood- a child he'd raised! Sometime between Aristov's last breath and the fight with Morris' cabal Bucky forgot his question- or decided it wasn't important anymore, "Dimitri's gone, how am I supposed to answer that?"

"It's a riddle," Amadeus wasn't giving him any more help, "figure it out."

"But-"

"Hit me," Amadeus cut him off and leaned against the cell wall, "we're on a clock, remember? Let's get started."

Chapter 21: 44 Days Before the Explosion