#but you can't give up and you have to keep trying despite an uncertain future

[gaylactic-fire]

I will thank HTTYD live action for one thing, and that's reviving my interest in this franchise like jumper cables to the heart.

Anyway, my controversial HTTYD take is that the second movie feels more emotionally mature, and it continues to resonate more with me the more I've grown into adulthood. It's the cautious optimism... It's the fact that you can't change everyone's perspective, and sometimes you need to fight for what you believe in... It's the fear of adult responsibilities that feel larger than life, only to realise that instead of running you have to try... It's the knowledge that the world may try and strike you down, but the bonds you've created will bring you strength in an uncertain future... do you feel me?

[xmorguekittyx]

Ever Locked

Part 4: Good Night, Bunny

Part 3: With Your Ghost

pairing: Older!Leon Kennedy × Ex!Coroner's Assistant Reader

warnings: Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, talks of enjoying inflicting emotional and physical pain on another, just Leon’s pov on things right now.

Fucking rain. Every single day, nothing like the thick air, the feeling of Raccoon City before its inevitable bombing. Boots clap against the rain puddles, slick as the show slides on the step, nearly knocking me off balance and into the small bushes by the hotel door way. "Shit-", the word spat as my hand clutches at the automatic door, stilling it. "Fucking rain, can't wait to get back to my place.", all the more reason to get into her mind, to open Pandora's Box into the mind of the woman of the hour.

   My phone dings as I adjust the whiskey bottles in the bag, shifting from my right to left hand, reaching for the Motorola Razr, the fucking brick costing much more than i wanted to pay. Chris Redfield sent a message. A grumble left my lips as i entered the doors, heading to the shiny elevator. Tapping his stupid little contact photo opened the message; "so, when were you gonna tell everyone you were over 3000 miles away? You know we listed you as MIA and had a chopper checking around your house, right? Never understood why you needed to live in the middle of butt fuck nowhere, had us worried you went off the deep end or something." I could nearly hear Rebecca hitting him in the shoulder for the last part.

  My choices in house placement was quite simple; remote enough to not have any issues with neighbors- like a certain old hag who should've minded her own business- then, were close enough to a small town with a grocery store and a post office. It's perfect. Small, far away from everyone else and it can be a small safe space for the family i'm going to build. I have lived my life giving and giving and giving, giving up my life to the government, letting all my wants go to work on missions, letting vacations slip past me just so i can work my ass off one more time and get denied the next vacation. I never have a moment to myself until i'm MIA.

  I'll be selfish, this time around, i'll be selfish. I want one thing to myself, my home to myself. I want her, bunny, to myself. The future is so uncertain, but in certainty, i know i will have her and she will be away from everything and everyone. She'll be something just for me, for my pleasure. It's selfish, god, it's wrong to be so self centered to throw off someone's life so horribly, but i can't find it in myself to regret the choice i've made to come and find her.

  The elevator dings, bringing my attention to the wobbly reflection. My hair is dark with grease, my skin dry and flakey in parts, my hand comes up just as the doors open. Fingers rubbing at the rough scruff that coats my jaw. I looked like shit, honestly, i would've cried had i seen myself too. As the door threaten to close once more, i step out. The hallway is lit with a warm lamp, it was short and the rain taps against the windows with a rhythmic patter. I wonder what she's doing, is she worrying? Is she scared that i'm back, or is that perfect new boyfriend currently too busy keeping her wrapped around him? The latter causes my brows to drop.

  The keycard taps the lock, hearing a beep and a green light before my, still wobby, legs threaten to let me fall. The handle is clicked quickly, falling under the weight of my hand. The room is... clean, at the most, plain. Very minimalistic. The bed is neat, the coffee cups wrapped, definitely won't be touching those, unless they have the creamer i like. Coffee left a bad taste, trying to down that god awful black coffee to impress the older officers still made me want to throw up. The bitterness, i wasn't someone into the bitter things, despite how bland my life had become. Time didn't stop for me to indulge in anything sweet or extra. That's why i won't answer that message, once i acknowledge it all, then come questions, why's, when's, where's. I don't have the time, I needed to set my plan in place. I needed to know that things were gonna work out this time, this opportunity.

  The desk is clear of anything, which is good, my bags lay underneath from my earlier visit before the White Wolf. Duffel bags of clothes, files and photos. It was time... but a drink first wouldn't hurt. A soft sigh leaves my lips as i lay the whiskey bottles down, hearing them clink together. Jack Daniel's, wasn't the top shelf shit- but it was cheap and whiskey tastes like whiskey once you've downed enough- they all taste the same.

  The bag rustles as i fish out the first bottle, nearly half empty from the gas station down the road. My boots slide off with ease as i step towards the coffee maker, pulling one of the little paper cups from the stack. "As good as any.", my shoulders weigh with a shrug before the cap is off and the cup is half full of warm whiskey. The amber liquor burns, the flavor vanilla-ish. Something i should've looked at before throwing the cash on the counter. Alcohol is alcohol, at the end of the day.

   My back hits the bedding, cup laid aside on the side table. The thoughts of the past few years flooding my mind, the latest tragedy being my team being ratted out and only myself coming out as a survivor. It never seems to fail, anyone close to me... their life is cut short by some tragedy or they're in danger at my hands. It was a cycle, one i wouldn't let touch the innocence of my bunny. The pillow engulfs my cheek as i lay my head upon it, the inside rough but manageable as i reach out for the cup, my fingers pushing it further away before catching the rim and pulling it closer.

  My head aches with the next round of thunder, the lightening cracking over the dim room. Engulfing everything in a light for a few seconds, the painting across from the bed getting my attention. It looked... angry, and yet it was just swipes of black and red paint over a white background. What? You gonna say it's some internal struggle i'm having or something. is it like those tests the therapist hands you to get a read on you? The liquid in the cup splashes as i swirl it, my mind bouncing from left to right. It feels surreal, im sure it does for her, too. The moment i've been anticipating since i saw the name under a few address, the moment she's been dreading since that faithful day. It's crazy how much fate can dictate.

  The Chinese have a legend, about a red string of fate tied between two lovers. It's a beautiful story-pictures of fingers intertwined with the others, red string wrapped delicately around pinkies and swirling around the hands that finally met their match. It's beautiful until the string is tied around your throat by the one tethered to the other side, that string of fate is telling. What was meant to show you endless care and tenderness now tightly stealing away the very air that kept you alive, that tore at the delicate flesh, its motives unknown and terrifying.

  Another rumble of thunder and that thought too is ripped from my consciousness. I see the fault in my plans, don't get me wrong. I'm not insane. I simply don't care, i want this and for once in my miserable life, im going to get something i want. She's just the poor soul who has to be the one i set my sights on. She loved me once too, you know? She said it- herself- she loved me. She let me see her vulnerable and bare. I want to see it again, that bitch at the bar declined giving me Bunny's new number. What a stuck up bitch. A laugh ripped past my lips, the liquor splashing out of the cup lip and landing on my cheek as i wipe it away quickly. Hand once more in my scruffy, growing in beard. I wonder if i should keep it, at least while i'm here? Nah. I never could grow a nice full beard, mine always patchy and uneven. It is what it is, but i'm not shaving it right now. My eyes are stinging, head falling back on the pillow as the cup slides back onto the night stand.

  The clothes call to me from their bag, begging for me to change into the soft grey sweatpants that have been my favorite for years now. I feel a twitch in my leg, a pushing force that is quickly pushed away. That can wait for tomorrow, as can planning. The bed is too magnetic to my body. The sheets already bunched under my weight, fingers digging around to grip the sheet and pull it up, promptly causing my muscles to ache, realizing i have, indeed, made no progress, my legs stand for a millisecond, before i'm back into the bed, quicker than the bag can see. Nothing outweighed the amount of exhaustion that built up in my brain.

  The aircon kicks on, the room settling at a nice sixteen nine degrees. Cold and enough the blanket keeps me warm. The buzz of the alcohol and the warm and cool feeling just about as perfect as it can get. Something feels as if it's missing, like there's something that should be here and isn't, but i think i know what it is. I think it's always been missing and the sleepless nights had me begging any god that i'd have that back. Sleep doesn't come easily for me anymore, but knowing her presence isn't as far as i anticipated, has me feeling slightly more relaxed. Maybe enough to settle into bed all night, or enough to keep staying asleep the entirety. Either way, as long as i sleep. I can't keep pushing missions with no rest, last mission i was nearly left back there. Sleep is a necessity that hasn't been fulfilled since her disappearance. I know it wasn't her choice or fault either too.

  That's why I'd wanted to speak with her at her work, to see if all these years anything had changed. I know it probably has, but does she still bring that peace and calmness to me, can she still cause me to snap instantly with her little smart ass behavior? I have to know. Either way, she's mine. She's always been mine.

  The sheets cocoon me, cradling my body as I slept in my daily clothes. It didn't matter, i'd slept in abandoned ships, cots that were as hard as a plank of wood, in 3 day old clothes, bed for other men who hadn't showered in weeks. This bed, felt amazing, compared. The curtains letting the lightening crack over my face but the stinging stalled as the darkness encroached my eyes. The fluttering causing a tear slipped pasty cheek. warm as i nearly got to that state of peace. Work can be done tomorrow, plans, actions and strong up my temporary home, it'll all work out. Good night, Bunny...

[divinesangel]

enhypen reading please? Their thoughts and feeling with this new tour announcement and continous schedule? Are they okay with the company's decision making right now? Thank you

— enhypen thoughts/feelings on new tour + schedule

what i'm seeing is that there are definite conflicts and tensions within the group. they feel a strong sense of frustration and defeat, overwhelmed by the intense schedule and the constant pressure of touring. there's a clear disconnect between their personal desires and the decisions made by their company, which only adds to the tension. they're hurt and it's almost this feeling of betrayal, despite knowing it was meant to happen anyway. however, they recognize this cycle as an inevitable part of their journey—something they have to endure despite the hardships.

they understand that this challenging period is necessary, even if it leaves them feeling pressured and sad. but beneath the surface, there's a sense of fulfillment in knowing that people still want more from them, that they can continue creating and bringing their dreams to life. this passion fuels them, and they find happiness in being able to give back to their fans, to the people who have supported them all along.

yet, despite their strong, career-driven nature, there's an undeniable inner struggle. some members feel torn between what they personally want and the professional expectations placed upon them. they're trying to set aside their own feelings, focusing on what the fans need instead. but the weight of these decisions is heavy, leaving them feeling divided and uncertain.

while their dedication to their work is admirable, it's also taking a toll. some members long for a moment of retreat—a chance to step back and breathe. they're concerned about their own stability, questioning how long they can keep going like this. they know they can still push forward, but they can't help but wonder: for how much longer, and at what cost?

the members are determined to keep pushing forward and working hard. they understand that it's something they must do, and they embrace this responsibility. there’s genuine excitement about their future goals and the accomplishments that lie ahead. however, beneath this enthusiasm, there’s a lingering worry that weighs on them. they’re concerned about the possibility of someone getting caught up in the intensity of it all, or worse, someone getting hurt because of it.

the risk of burnout or becoming overwhelmed is very real, and it’s something that genuinely scares them. it’s possible that one member in particular is already struggling mentally with these pressures. despite this, they’ve been doing their best to carve out small moments of self-care and time for themselves, trying to manage the weight of it all.

[dontyouworrydaddy]

Please don’t leave me

John Price x gn! reader

Warning: this is just gonna be sad

Summary: John and you have been arguing a lot recently. You now decide to leave but john doesn’t want you to leave….

꒱࿐♡ ˚.*ೃ

The room was filled with tension as John and you stood face to face, locked in a heated argument. Lately, it seemed like every conversation ended in a clash of wills, driving a wedge between the two of you. The frustration had reached its boiling point, and now, as you grabbed your bag, ready to storm out, John couldn't bear to see you go.

"Please, just stay," John pleaded, his voice laced with desperation. "We can't keep doing this to each other. I can't lose you."

You paused, your hand gripping the strap of your bag tightly. The hurt in John's eyes mirrored the ache in your own heart. Despite the countless arguments, the love you shared was undeniable. But lately, it seemed like it was drowning in a sea of misunderstandings and unresolved conflicts.

"I can't do this anymore, John" you finally said, your voice quivering with a mix of anger and sadness. "We need time apart, some space to figure things out."

John's heart sank, his pleading gaze turning into a look of defeat. He reached out, his hand trembling, as if trying to grasp onto something slipping away.

"But we can work through this. We always have," he protested, his voice laced with desperation. "I'll do whatever it takes, just please don't leave."

Tears welled up in your eyes as you watched the man you loved struggle to keep you from walking away. The pain in his voice tugged at your heartstrings, but you knew deep down that staying in this toxic cycle would only lead to more hurt.

"I wish it were that simple," you whispered, your voice barely audible. "But staying here right now feels like suffocating. I need to find myself again."

John's face contorted with anguish, his voice breaking as he fought back tears. "I don't want to lose you. You mean everything to me."

A sob escaped your lips as you struggled to hold yourself together. The weight of the argument, the weight of your decision, bore down on you like a heavy burden.

"I love you, John" you choked out between sobs. "But love isn't enough sometimes. We need to find our own paths, heal our wounds and maybe, just maybe, we can come back together stronger."

The room fell silent, the air heavy with unspoken emotions. The love between you was undeniable, but the pain and damage caused by the arguments were tearing you apart. With a trembling hand, you wiped away your tears, steeling yourself for the difficult task ahead.

"I'm sorry, John…" you whispered, your voice filled with a mixture of regret and determination. "I have to go."

John's eyes searched yours, his face etched with sorrow. He nodded, a single tear sliding down his cheek, as he reluctantly stepped back, giving you the space you needed.

As you walked towards the door, your heart shattered with every step. Leaving John behind was the hardest thing you had ever done, but you knew it was necessary for both of you to find the peace and understanding you so desperately craved.

With one final glance back at the man you loved, you opened the door and stepped into the unknown, the weight of the world on your shoulders. The future was uncertain, but deep down, you held onto a flicker of hope that someday, the two of you would find your way back to each other, stronger and wiser.

And so, as the door closed behind you, the echoes of your shattered love resonated through the empty room, leaving John standing alone, with tears streaming down his face and a shattered heart in his hands.

[badlibbing]

Initially I was gonna talk about this in my fandom list post, but figured it needs its own separate post because it's a doozy.

Have you heard of Mortasheen? Now you have! The official website is here, but if you're short on time I'll give you a rundown. Think D&D plus Pokémon, but with wacky mutant monsters and way fewer rules. It's an open-ended RPG with endless possibilities. Take your squad of weirdos across a surprisingly ecologically diverse world in the distant future, and try not to die while doing it. (No pressure, though; if you die you can just come back as a zombie, although there are some downsides to that...)

And now for a summary of each monster class!

Bioconstructs: The absolute base class of monsters, this is a broad category encompassing man-made abominations that don't fit into the more specific man-made classes. Just about every function you can think of is covered here— it's got fighters, sentries, laborers, livestock, entertainers— you name it, there's probably a Bioconstruct for it.

Arthropoids: Bug people!!! Possibly the best class overall, everyone else go home. But yeah, it's exactly what it sounds like. This specific category of man-made monsters consists of arthropods (and sometimes panarthropods) combined with human genetics, resulting in some versatile and badass creatures.

Vampirics: Ah, our first class not spawned by human shenanigans! These ancient abyssal assassins have risen up to stake their claim on our world, and they're not nice. But who knows, maybe you'll get one on your side?

Botanicals: These odd organisms of man-made origin are mixes of plant, fungus, and animal. Their unique physiology makes them quite resilient to physical damage, but be sure to keep them away from fire.

Ectosaurs: Powerful ghostly entities of uncertain origin. Most of them will only see you as prey, but if you play your cards right, they can make great allies.

Zombiespawn: Remember those zombies I mentioned? Sometimes they try to make babies, and usually that doesn't go too well, and we get these gross things as a result. What else would you expect from a barely-functioning body in a state of perpetual decay and regrowth?

Jokers: Despite not having man-made origins, these guys have a conspicuous resemblance to our idea of clowns and related goofy concepts. Oh, I'm sure it's just a coincidence... still, these gas-filled tricksters are a force to be reckoned with! It's better to have them as allies than enemies.

Unknown: Hey, where did these come from??? Nobody really knows, but they're strange and often dangerous. Watch your back.

Devilbirds: Ancient relics modeled after common human vices. Personally one of my least favorite classes due to (in my opinion) a lackluster execution of an interesting concept. Eh, they can't all be winners. In any case, don't get your hopes up for recruiting one of these monstrosities; most of them are pretty heartless!

Biomecha: Plain old Bioconstructs are sooooo last millenia... combining flesh with machinery is where it's at! That's what some monster trainers are saying, anyway. Time will tell if they're right.

Wormbrains: Now, this one is my actual least favorite class. It's just flesh puppets controlled by brain flukes. Credit where credit is due, the designs of some of these monsters are really cool (there's even some Junji Ito references in there)! I'm just not a fan of the concept.

Fectoids: These neat little guys are the ultimate bioweapons, able to shift between multicellular monster and microscopic swarm, taking on whichever state best suits the situation. It's fascinating! Hard to appreciate the ingenuity when you're being infected, though.

and last but not least...

Garbage: Well, some people would say they're the least, but I for one have a special place in my heart for these children of pollution and experiments-gone-wrong. We don't have mistakes, just happy accidents! Besides, this class holds perhaps my favorite Mortasheen monster of all time...

the Agblap! Lookit this little guy!!! Ain't it just the cutest thing?

Now that you're familiar with the basics, why not take a look at the website and see which monsters are your favorites? You can also check out the creator's main website for all kinds of interesting content! I don't know how to wrap up this post lol bye

[hufflepuffwithaslytherinkink]

I've got a block so I'm writing some marauders HC to help me out

James Potter -

Is beyond super nervous. He acts really confident around everyone but when he likes someone, he can't help but be a little self-conscious

He will watch you from afar for a while. So much so the others start to take the piss.

He would try to act up to get your attention but never approach you because he's worried you'd reject him (and he couldn't take that)

When he finally asks you out he runs his hands through his hair a ridiculous amount, he also fiddles with anything he can hold onto not really able to keep eye contact

He's adorable but he panics even more thinking he's being an idiot

When you say yes he freezes for a moment before his face breaks into a huge grin. He did not think you'd say yes

He does an excited jump and can't stop talking about it to you, to his friends, anyone who'll listen.

He worries about everything - what he's going to wear, what aftershave to use, if he should brush his teeth or does that seem like he wants to snog you even though he does but he doesn't want you to feel pressured into snogging him.

After you kiss him, because you have to make the first move, he's never been so quiet in his life.

It makes you smile because he stares in awe, a blush covering his cheeks.

Sirius Black -

Is the opposite of James.

He is very cocky, very arrogant and not scared to strut straight up to you in front of anyone and everyone.

He would watch you for a while first, not because he doesn't think you'll agree to go out with him but because he likes the build-up. Sending flirtatious smirks and winks, making you blush with his slightly dirty words.

When he does eventually ask you out he does it in front of everyone. Whether it's before class, in the great hall or in the middle of the Three Broomsticks.

He'd lean on something cockily, raising an eyebrow as he asks when you want to go out with, not if but when.

Your friends would giggle making him smirk even wider.

He'd smile when you agreed but he always knew you'd say yes. Who would say no after all?

Remus Lupin -

He would be confident if not for the lycanthropy

He knows people like him and whilst he's quieter than the rest of the marauders, he's still a marauder and they turn eyes all the time

He would be the type of person who falls for their friend so would know you well before asking you out.

He wouldn't be worried about you not liking him romantically because you already like him really

But he would worry about his fury little problem

He would be worried about approaching it, only because he can't see a future for himself and doesn't want to put that on you.

The others would convince him to give it a shot because he has werewolf pup eyes every time you walk into a room.

As soon as you agree he fills with relief. He can't help feeling a little uncertain because of his condition

He'd instantly go back to talking to you as normal because he wouldn't want anything to change except for the occasional hand holding and kissing.

The others would try to get him to tell them everything but Remus would refuse to, he likes to keep things between you two private.

Regulus Black

Is elegant in most things but not in romance.

Everyone always thinks he's suave and cool and has multiple romantic partners, but the truth is he's very inexperienced

He doesn't like not knowing about something, so it makes him fumble a little

He'd be really nervous about messing it up

Despite being gorgeous and on the Slytherin team he doesn't think much of himself.

His parents always put so much pressure on him and Sirius was always so confident about himself it made Regulus a little timid

He would barely even be able to look at you at first, worried you or someone else would notice.

He wouldn't even talk to his friends because he has no idea what to say. He can't quite describe how you make him feel

But once he realises he can't stop thinking about you and that you're the first person he looks for in a room he decides to talk to you

He wouldn't ask you outright, instead he'd slowly start to spend time with you. Partnering up in class, helping each other with assignments or swapping books.

Overtime he starts to become more relaxed around you and asks you to Hogsmeade.

He will not say it's a date, he will leave it for you to decide if it's as friends or a date because he cannot handle rejection from anyone

When you ask if it's a date he panics

He almost stops breathing for a moment

When you tell him it doesn't have to be a date if he doesn't want it to be he shouts "I do" rather loudly.

You giggle as you get strange looks.

He blushes but smiles when you press a kiss to his cheek.

Peter Pettigrew -

He would only ask someone out if he felt they weren't as confident as him

Like if someone was a lower status, they're less likely to say no or they couldn't say no to him.

He would make sure you were alone before asking, he didn't want people around it would be too embarrassing

He would make sure the timing was right too, not for the mood but rather himself.

If you looked too sad or too happy he would put it off for another time.

Whilst he would believe you wouldn't say no, he would still be nervous and stutter through the whole thing.

It takes him a good 5 minutes to even begin to ask you

Marlene McKinnon-

Is naturally flirty

She would flirt with anyone as long as they listened to her

She would be different with you though, her flirts were either cuter or a lot more risky depending on her mood

She would flirt with you for a while, trying to drop hints

But when it came to her asking you out, you would assume she was just being her normal self

Which would make her giggle before placing a kiss on your lips

She would lean back smiling asking if you want her to do that again before waiting for an answer

When you say yes she grins knowingly before reconnecting your lips

Lily Evans -

Would be confident but not overconfident.

If she wants something she goes for it, no holding back.

She would be subtle about it though.

She'd make sure you were alone so you didn't feel pressured or bombarded before giving you a sweet smile.

She would tell you how she felt, how you make her feel baring her soul to you entirely.

Yet it wouldn't feel dramatic, it would feel normal. Like part of your everyday conversations with Lily.

She would ask you how you felt and what you thought letting you process the information for a little while.

When you say yes, she smiles before turning back to whatever she was doing but leaving her hand on top of yours.

[rjmhereunderprotest]

How to Fuck Up a Good Thing, Mordecai-Style!

This is bothering me cause I saw it online a lot, so I'm writing it down here to make it clear. I have NEVER in my life seen a character botch something so perfect for himself than Mordecai fucking up his relationship with CJ. NEVER! Not even Mako and Korra, they stayed friends! They were both failing each other in that. THIS was all on Mordecai... because he's a fucking idiot!

Let me break this down for you thusly, Mordecai has been mad simping Margaret for years, he's never made a move, he eventually does but she's moving away and it's over already. He eventually gets back in the game with Cloud Girl CJ, who he previous met and hit it off with well until her anger management problems made things literally too stormy to weather at the time. But now, she's getting those under control and the two connect really well.

Seriously, it was nice. CJ wasn't some idealized pedestal placed dream girl. She was real, she and Mordecai shared a lot in common. She got along well with his friends and co-workers. She put herself in many of the crazy situations with them all and was cool with it. They clicked! But the problem was always fucking Mordecai.

The dumb fucking Blue Jay just couldn't drop his fucking obsession with a girl who had left him. He kept hemming and hawing over whether or not he should still make moves with Margaret, which worsened when she moved back. She's cool with CJ, despite Mordecai worrying she wouldn't be. No, no, the problem is him, cause despite everything going so fucking well with CJ, not perfect mind you but no relationship is perfect, he keeps finding ways to jeopardize things.

But he can salvage it, he can be a good boyfriend if he tries. He makes an effort, he really does. And then... he fucks it all up in the worst possible way.

It's his friend Muscle Man's wedding day, and he's gotta make a speech about love, Muscle Man wants him to, I have no idea why. Maybe he thought it would be funny. Mordecai is having problems though cause he's still, STILL, struggling with whether or not he really loves CJ or Margaret. Despite the fact he's been with CJ for a good while and they have very clearly worked just fine. Even Rigby, usually the dumb one, his best friend, keeps telling him to get with the program and fucking just reassure CJ he loves HER. Admitting he's dating Aileen now! So if he can fucking seal the deal with a girl, what the fuck is Mordecai's problem?

I'll tell you what his problem is, he's an asshole! Constantly avoiding CJ all day, refusing to face or talk to her, running away at the first chance he gets, isolating her further and making her feel unwanted. And then, to cap it all off... he makes his speech:

What. The. FUCK.

First of all, WHY in the holy HELL would you do this as your speech in front of everyone and almost fucking ruin your friend's wedding!? This is Muscle Man's day, not yours. Do not fucking make it about your fucking self!

Why would you decide to do this now of all times? When you're giving a speech and everything? Just shut the fuck up, step off stage, don't make this a spectacle!

Worst of all though, if you pay attention to the speech and consider the context, Mordecai probably was not going to dump CJ. He was likely going to try and explain himself and fix things. The problem is he says it in such a fucking bullshit wishy washy way it reads like a Dear John letter, or worse, like some shitty acceptance that he's just settling for CJ cause he can't have Margaret! Of all the things to say, you do not declare you don't know who your soulmate is in front of girlfriend, you just don't! If you sound that uncertain about who you want to spend your life with, then you shouldn't be surprised when they're upset about it.

Mordecai in this moment forever fucked up any future he had with CJ for no good reason just because he couldn't get over a fucking crush he hasn't thought about in months! And when he tried to fix it, he did it in the absolute worst fucking way that humiliated CJ in front of everyone!

This was what made me drop the show. You do not spend a whole season building up the relationship between these two and then throw it out the fucking window like this! I hated Mordecai after this, I felt he was a complete fucking moron who I could never relate to. The idea that he can't accept happiness with someone he likes because he has this obsession he can't quit is nauseating to me. Don't blame Margaret, this is all on fucking him! The dumbass should've shut his beak.

There are ships I get invested in that get sunk. But rarely do I walk away hating a character for it after the fact. Mordecai is an example of everything not to do in any relationship at any stage. CJ deserved better, I don't know if she ever got better, but I know she does. Fuck you, Mordecai, you're a fucking idiot!

[thephysicsgraduate]

I haven't posted in a while, and I guess I just haven't been sure exactly how I feel about things, and it has been challenging to talk about in general. *sigh* so the big things...

I got the results from 2/3 of my qualifying exams, and I didn't pass. I knew that the week of the exams was particularly tolling on my mental health, and I didn't feel great about them, but getting the official email made it real. This is not the end of the world. I told myself it would be okay, and I encouraged my classmates that it would be okay if they didn't pass. It just feels so garbage. If I can manage at least an A- in the graduate level classes this semester and the spring, then I won't have to retake the exams, which is nice... but also puts a lot of pressure on the semester. If they aren't waived I will try again in May. I know deep down that I am capable of passing, and I can clear up the details I was rusty on that killed me on these rounds of exams.

As easy as it is to say that it will be fine, it doesn't feel like it. The past week has been full of so much self-doubt and feeling inadequate and dumb. I'm trying to pick myself back up and reintegrate back into "regular" life. I don't want to make any excuses, and I am sure, in retrospect, there are topics I missed when I missed a week due to health issues. I can't change the past, so I'll keep trying.

I dropped my intro to solid-state physics class to give myself more time to focus on my core classes and my teaching assignments. Even though this is a healthy thing for me to do, it just felt like tossing a little fuel on the imposter syndrome flame that has been raging recently. The best way to deal with imposter syndrome is to talk about it, though, and this shout into the internet void is the best I can manage right now.

Now the exciting news (if you made it this far, thank you! I appreciate you!) I found a research advisor I want to work with, and we got coffee at the student center the other day. I told him that I was interested in his group, and he responded well! It sounds like there will be funding, and I should be able to start on a Research Assistantship in the Fall of next year! I've done many lurking around the labs and reading loads of papers, and I feel so good about things! One of his current grad students was honest about his experience, and it sounded very supportive and healthy. When I meet with this professor to discuss possible research projects, I appreciate that he always talks to me as an equal and takes time to explain key concepts along the way. I convince myself all the time that it is some punishable offense that I'm not proficient in all of condensed matter physics, but that is just so ridiculous. I'm here to learn, train, and explore the field. We discussed next summer a little, and he said that if I want, we can design a smaller research goal together that will be a little more directed and goal-oriented, and that is just exactly what I need! He also seems hands-off enough to allow me to explore my research questions and ideas in the future, which is so exciting!!

My first-day leading tutorials will be tomorrow, and I'm kind of nervous, and I really want it to go well! Overall I am happy that my assignments involve tutorials and help sessions instead of labs. Despite my strong preference for experimental research, I struggle to work as a lab instructor because the noise and environment are overstimulating and cause a mild shutdown to recover after. It is also more uncertain how I will be helping people, which makes it difficult to imagine the situation beforehand and feel prepared. With the tutorial sessions, I have a chance to work the problems out on my own, so I feel better about navigating the interactions with students.

Does anyone have advice on how to be a good TA and how to have successful student interactions? Even if you haven't taught, what are things that your TAs have done well (or not so well) in the past?

[navelgazed]

The amount of people that have played through the entirety of endwalker but still refuse to like. Get the themes makes me depressed (EW spoilers obvs)

Like. Okay. Yes, clearly irl we would be better off if trauma never happened to people, and if there was a magical thing we could do where nothing soul-destroying would happen to anyone again, that would obviously be great! But that's not what we have, and ultimately, endwalker and all stories that attempt to delve into the human condition are about us, not the characters in the story.

You know that line? That line that keeps nagging at me? "No longer shall man have wings to bear him to paradise; henceforth, he shall walk".

There is no easy paradise in this world. We have to fight for it, we have to endure for it, so many have died for it. It would be so easy to wish it had never happened and give up. It would have been easy for the Ancients to keep sacrificing people so they didn't have to stare that tragedy in the face, so they could pretend that everything was fine (even though it never was).

But life is not fine. Life is not easy. We have to work together to find meaning, to overcome the hardships or else live with them.

We, and the people of the game's present, overcome hardships in trying to create a better world. Their struggles break them and spur them on in turn.

Nothing is so romantic as it is in stories; the tragedy and catharsis in it is meant for us to experience a condensed little package of existential dread, and resolve it. It points to a bigger struggle we are all engaged in: to create a perfect paradise is impossible, but we must try to create the best of all possible futures, we must contend with the knowledge that we will die long before it is ever realized and that eventually everything will be swallowed by the sun anyway. We must find meaning despite knowing our end is assured.

A game where the Ascians win, or where the Ancients avert Calamity and everyone continues to believe that there are no flaws in their society and nothing bad ever happens is a boring fucking story. It's a bad story with no overarching message except that ignorance is bliss and we, the players, live in a shitty world, don't we, because we have no easy options.

You can dislike the theme that suffering is an integral part of life! I think that's fine. But that's a personal preference, not something inherently wrong with the game. Personally, as someone who has suffered and struggled endlessly with finding meaning in a life destined to end at some uncertain point, this game was cathartic as hell. Would it be better if I hadn't been traumatized, and those bad things hadn't happened to me? Probably! But I can't make them un-happen. I have to find a way to live with them, and live with uncertainty. If that message didn't resonate with you, that's fine, but try not to mangle the story in order to justify your own take.

[obislittleone]

Cruel Irony

6/?

Bale!Bruce Wayne x Reader

Alright so ima go ahead and just post the Jerome chap tomorrow bc I'm too lazy to post it tonight okay bye also if u like this story pls like and share/reblog it means a lot!!!

Series Summary: Growing up on infinity Island, Moyra is taught very well in the art of assassination. As the daughter of Ra's Al Ghul, she sits highly amongst the brotherhood known as the League of Shadows. When her father orders her to lure a stranger from the outside to be recruited amongst the mysterious clan, she will question everything she's ever believed.

Chapter Warnings: more fatherly angst, fluff... pinky smut idk

"You keep blatantly disobeying me, and you do so openly, without remorse." My father had yet again caught me leaving Bruce's room after spending the night with him. He didn't pull me straight from the door this time, as he had other matters to attend to, but he did make a point to separate me from whom I was training with later in the day. "I cannot keep letting you do this without punishment."

"You can't keep treating me as a child, I'm nearly a fully mature woman." I tried stand up for myself, but he wouldn't be hearing my remarks today, he had a point to make.

"You are a child! Twenty years gives you no authority in this world. You need to listen to me, because I know what your future holds if you don't..." He said, his voice becoming more gentle at the end. I knew he had my best interest at heart, but I wanted so much more than this provincial life.

"I can't avoid making decisions for myself. How must one learn to do something if someone else does it for them?" I tilted my head, trying to appeal to his fatherly side. It was much gentler than his leader of warriors side.

"I fear you may be drifting apart from the bond you once possessed with the league... with me." He bowed his head, and he looked troubled, which was not a common occurrence. He got upset sometimes, but never usually wore a look of worry. The man never faced anything he couldn't handle, so when he was distraught and uncertain, it made for a strange and unpredictable outcome. "I trust you to make the decisions, but I am afraid of the actions you might take to make them despite me."

"My loyalties lie with the league, just as they always have. Since the time I took the oath and even before that I have been nothing but faithful. You know that." I assured him. Really I couldn't help but feel the truth in his words. I was not close enough to any one member of the league except my father, for myself to wish protection on them all over a singular person who wasn't even sworn into our ranks yet.

"One can lay their loyalties with more than one thing, Moyra. Be careful who you trust, and never turn your back on anyone. They could just as easy rip you to shreds when you aren't looking." He said, the words of wisdom pouring from his mouth. He was right, I couldn't always trust everyone. Maybe I couldn't even trust him, my own father.... and even after making that comparison I still knew in my heart that I could trust the person he suspects my loyalties lie more firmly with. I believe that they do myself.

I just nodded at my father and left his presence. He couldn't stop me from strengthening my relationship with Bruce, but I wasn't going to push that fact in his face anymore. I wouldn't blatantly put him into a state of distress, however little the affects may be. I would not flaunt the way that I was simply delving deeper into a new place I'd never gone before. I cared for my father, and would not purposely defy him in a way that he felt I was doing despite him. He'd done so much for me to just throw it all away now.

I was exploring these feelings, and though I still did not understand them, I more often indulged them just so that I could try and figure them out. It was a wild and somewhat dangerous thing I suppose, for these feelings could push me to do some crazy things I had not thought of before with myself. Maybe not crazy.... but not things I had ever warranted necessary until now. Very personal, private things.

I more often spent the night with Bruce, for he was someone to keep warm with, especially on rainy nights... and he would often spend the might with me, too. Sometimes he'd be tired after a long day with my father, and would simply collapse in my room before he even had the chance to consider moving back to his own.

I often wondered if my father had similar discussions with Bruce like he had with me. Bruce surely would talk to me about them if he did, and moreover he would act differently towards me... wouldn't he? Unless he, like me, could not be bothered by my fathers words.

I doubted Bruce felt the same feelings I did. It made sense to think something was there, but I couldn't really identify it well. I wanted to let time pass, and see if the feelings got stronger, or if they faded.

They definitely got stronger on my side of things... so much stronger.

Bruce and I sat side by side one night, opening up different past events to the air, and letting each other see more vulnerable parts of each other... although I hadn't told Bruce about my most horrible trauma, because I'd be saving that one for when the time is right.

"I was just scared he might be coming for me, I still have this crazy idea that he might...." Bruce trailed off, leaning his head against the wall as he spoke, a little embarrassed to admit something only he thought about.

"You know I'd always protect you, right? You never have to worry... I'll have your back." I told him sincerely, as we talked about the reason he ran away. Falconi. Also the reason why he'd strung me up in that random house the first time we met.

"I'd be more concerned about protecting you..." he chuckled, pulling me closer to him as I leaned on his shoulder, gently massaging the muscles there. He'd gotten so buffed up the last few years, and I couldn't even imagine what a few more could do for him.

"We'd protect each other, then." I said, and he nodded in agreement. The next words to come from his mouth would be so profound to our future, and would most likely be our mantra to one another for the years to come.

"Whatever we face, we face together... so we can protect each other." He suggested, and I looked up at him with a soft smile.

"Promise?"

He didn't say anything, or even nod, but held up his pinky finger to me as if I knew what to do with it.

"What does that mean?" I asked, turning back to him while he furrowed his brows.

"Isn't this what girls do when they make a promise?"

"Like I would know..." I laughed at his dimwitted moment and took his pinky along with mine anyway. Such a childlike gesture that simply meant the world for a second. We were like two twelve year olds, making pinky promises while telling stories and trying to get the other to laugh. After the rain comes the rainbow, so after sharing trauma, we told each other lame jokes that even Dad's would be too cool to tell.

We didn't fall asleep next to each other that night, for we needed to avoid getting caught by my father, who'd throughout the last year, been implementing heavier rules. We still found ways to break them most nights, but tonight was a lovely night... too lovely to spend time plotting against the rules of our leader.

I slept well, but not as well as when I'm clinging onto the warmth of Bruce Wayne.

Tags are open!!

@huntheimpossible @testudies

[csventbutfaster]

Grem Response Is Horrid

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Qn8TCWMgkkWVYRb6hpAxj51nNgrsfGQuZI2Ovlo8tGY/edit 

hooooolly shit this is unsatisfying and I need to break it down piece by piece. I'll be copy+pasting exact sentences too that you can read in the doc anyways I just need to show my disproval at this awful excuse of a response. 

"The points regarding MYO slot earning and accessibility will be and are at the absolute forefront of our priorities once the ARPG is open and running."

ONCE? once as in the ARPG that's been in the works for years?? idk how you do it since most species can cobble together something at least working within a year or two and yet you've got nothing to show for it.

"Our intent and the purpose of myo slots being non-tradeable is to try and ensure that only the people trying to buy them are the people who actually want myo slots, rather than people who might only view them as a bargain trade token toward a pre-made grem. We'd have an influx of people trying to buy slots just for their trade value, making it harder for people just seeking a myo slot, or affordable entry into the community. "

"We keep the cost of these slots low despite market value to keep them accessible and affordable, something that allowing trade for $300 pre-made grems would severely undermine"

looooll hate to break it to you but that hasn't worked worth JACK. You know who often can get access to MYO slots? People who already own a Grem or have ways to trade it under the table. In words it sounds alright but it's not working in practice and you have the audacity to say the prices are low as well. Shame on you.

"This is a topic we have a number of reasons for feeling uncertain about, but we’ll be having discussions about it in the near future to re-evaluate those reasons. It’s a big discussion however and we’d like to prioritize getting the ARPG up and running before tackling something like that."

aka we're never going to get an answer till we stop lining densy's pockets, gotcha.

"Hard commitments can be stressful on team members to have to adhere to frequently."

read that again to me but slower. It reads as 'it's okay for our staff to miss deadlines because life is hard' which I'd be okay with if Grems didn't try to parade around the title of  being business. 

"I do also want to note however that there have been a lot of occasions where several hours of meetings were consumed by discussions whose details being shared would violate the privacy of the users involved."

Damn then just tell us it was mostly about users and not ARPG development. Just be upfront with it because hiding it as 'I can't tell you' is not satisfactory. Literally just be 'I can't tell you because it was mainly about users and not about ARPG' 

"There has been a huge demand from many people for more cypherus sales, and when it comes to trying to give people what they want, it’s hard for that to be outweighed by the idea that we should simply stop making them until MYOs are available.

Please understand that Cypher grems are neither being withheld nor created as any special form of profit, as their sale price/s are kept at a uniform range, and that the time and effort it takes to design and create a single Cypher is often more than it would take to create an equivalent amount of normal grems to sell."

What the fuck are you saying a Cypher costs closer to 1000usd per how is that not for profit. I'm so sorry that not using a base needs to cost 500 more dollars it's so much work. Also excusing the inability to hold them back because 'lots of users want them' is because you've made them so damn scarce in the first place. YOU are making the problem with them but not having any lore, in turn withholding making more or giving out MYOs, and in turn making them impossible to get in the first place. YET you still are pushing them out BECAUSE you want the money they give, why would you even do that in the first place when their concept hasn't even been finalized. All cyphers are are Grems that Don't Have To Be Grems that's all we know so of course we want more for the price we've been paying.

"Making mut/pred/et tickets common prizes is absolutely something we are open to doing, and is one of the things that the implementation of lorekeeper would most definitely help"

lol stopped reading here.

"This should either be eliminated soon, or reduced significantly as we get those half-baked traits worked out and available!"

once again pushing out stuff that isn't even finalized and admitted to. You do know a Predatory Grem costs 400 dollars, right?

"Concerns about members being afraid to give feedback/suggestions, or feeling like feedback is not heard:"

Just a funny reminder that the fact users have felt uncomfortable giving suggestions was not brought up in this. No acknowledgement that previously silencing users has ever occurred.

In short your document has been the same salesman pitch you've been giving over and over and the only thing acted on is lifting the restriction of needing Densy's approval for redesigns. The problem is your words don't mean much to us anymore because it's always been 'once the ARPG/lorekeeper comes out' ad nausem for the last 6 years. Your users don't trust you to make any fruitful changes you say to us and that is why the species is dying.

I get that it sounds like nothing you guys do will be enough for us and personally that's true for me. Just put your money where your mouth is for once and stop answering us with 'until the ARPG/lorekeeper comes out'

[xomarauders]

RegulusLives!AU Regulus escapes the cave with the horcrux in hand. Knowing he can't go back home goes to the one person he knows can keep him safe. He apparates on the doorstep of Sirius' flat. Sirius, still thinking Regulus is a DE, wants nothing to do with him. Remus, having been there, looks through the eyehole of the door and sees he's near death, and forces Sirius to let him in. As Regulus is recovering he tells his brother about what he did, Voldie's secret, and reconciles with Sirius

i love this prompt and i love the black brothers. hope you enjoy!

tw: mentions of past abuse

—

He had done it. He had actually done it.

The locket sat heavily in the palm of his hand as he collapsed against the sandy shore outside of the cave. His body ached where the inferi had grabbed hold of him and he shivered, remembering the feeling of death overwhelm him. If Kreacher had not apparated them out of the cave as fast as he had, Regulus was sure he’d be dead.

“Master Regulus,” The house elf spoke from beside him, sounding much more tired and weary than Regulus had ever heard before. “I must take you home.”

“No,” Regulus said a bit breathlessly. He couldn’t go back Grimmauld Place, knowing the locket would not be safe there. Not with all the Death Eaters that traveled in and out of it now that Orion was dead and Walburga nearly insane, unable to filter the guests that travelled in and out. He couldn’t go anywhere, not without anyone finding out what he had done. There was no safe space for him, no friends that he could trust, no family he could—

Family. Sirius.

“Kreacher,” He croaked, and the elf looked at him with concern. “I need you to take me to Sirius.”

* * *

He landed on the ground with a thud, head whirring a bit from the travel, and he clenched his jaw shut to avoid puking. Kreacher apologized for such a rough apparation and did his best to help his master to his feet. With the locket still gripped tightly in one hand, Regulus raised his free one to give a weak knock on the door in front of him.

For a moment there was nothing, and then the door swung open to reveal a man who was decidedly not Sirius, but still recognizable to the younger Black. There was only one person Regulus knew who had so many scars.

“Lupin?”

“Regulus?” Remus questioned and then turned to look back into the flat briefly before returning his gaze. “What are you doing here?”

Before he could answer, the door swung open wider revealing Sirius. His hair had grown longer since Regulus had seen him last, looking far more relaxed as well, the perfect posture instilled in them from childhood lacking in the way Sirius stood now. He supposed that was the result of leaving such an abusive environment and finally being able to be yourself without the worry of being hit or cursed for it. A part of Regulus was envious of his brother, but he was mostly just happy to see him truly living.

“Get out of here.” Sirius sneered, his eyes blazing as he located the Dark Mark on Regulus’ left arm. “Whatever information you’re trying to get for your ‘Dark Lord’, you’re not getting it.”

“I am not here for him,” Regulus gasped, still feeling faint from his expedition. The locked hissed and Regulus glanced down at it, his palm shaking as he held it out. “I need your help.”

“No.” Sirius said bluntly. Remus stepped forward beside him.

“What is that, Regulus?”

“Remus—”

Lupin shot Sirius a look that shut him up instantly. Regulus would have been impressed by the fact that anyone could get Sirius to be quiet if it weren’t for the circumstances. Walburga had tried for years with far more vile methods and was not nearly as successful.

“What is it?” Remus asked again, voice laced with curiosity.

“I am not entirely sure. I think I know but…” Regulus trailed off, clenching his eyes shut as everything seemed to sway around him. He needed to lie down, drink some water, something to keep him from keeling over right there on his brothers’ doorstep.

Kreacher moved out from behind Regulus, looking at Sirius with disdain as he spoke. “Master Regulus needs to rest…but Master Regulus’ filthy blood-traitor brother is being of no help—”

“That’s enough, Kreacher, please. I think it is time for you to go home. You need rest as well. Speak nothing of this to anyone.” Regulus croaked and the elf’s ears flattened as he backed away, mumbling to himself just before apparating away. Remus moved to push the door wider despite Sirius’ protests and nodded at Regulus.

“Come inside. I’ll get you some tea.”

Regulus said his thanks and pushed forward into the flat. It was small, with the kitchen and living space blending together and one hallway leading down to two bedrooms and a bathroom, but it was nice. There were bookshelves lining the walls stacked high with novels. A record player sat on a small table near the window with a box full of vinyl’s residing next to it. Bright posters of muggle rock bands were stuck on the wall along with some fancier artwork. It was all so Sirius, Regulus thought, as he looked in wonder around. So unapologetically Sirius.

He sat down on the small, orange sofa in the living area, which was the comfiest piece of furniture he had ever sat on. Very unlike the stiff leather ones at Grimmauld Place. Sirius stood in the living room, keeping his eye on Regulus with his arms folded across his chest as Remus bustled about in the kitchen.

After a moment of awkward silence between the two brothers, Remus finally came in, smiling as he sat down on the coffee table before Regulus and passing him the tea.

“There you are. Now, tell us, what do you need help with?”

Regulus kept his gaze on Remus as he spoke, unable to stand the look of distrust in his brothers’ eyes. “I…Voldemort created a plan. A sort of back up plan in case anyone defeats him. It is dark magic and…and I am not even sure that I am right but…but it is the only explanation I have got.” He swallowed, eyes flickering between the two men before continuing. “He has been bragging…about how he cannot die. About how he is…immortal. And it did not make sense because it is impossible, right? To be immortal.”

Remus furrowed his eyebrows and nodded along. Even Sirius shifted forward, slightly intrigued.

“I think he has created a horcrux.”

“A horcrux?” Remus asked, confusion apparent on his face. Sirius however went pale, having extensive knowledge about dark magic from the many books he had read through at Grimmauld Place while he was locked in the cellar.

“That’s impossible.” Sirius muttered, though he seemed uncertain. “There’s too many…steps. Too many things you have to do to accomplish—too many evil actions…” He trailed off, his eyes far off for a moment before snapping towards Regulus. “How do you know?”

Regulus held up the locket once more, the hissing making him feel sick. “He gave hints. About this cave. I decided to investigate, and I found this inside. It has the same characteristics of a horcrux, including this…this dark energy that has been making me feel…strange ever since it has been in my possession.”

“What does it do?” Remus questioned reaching forward to examine the locket.

“It traps part of his soul.” Sirius said. “He can split part of his soul and put it inside of an object so in the event of his death, his soul is preserved and therefore so is his life. Thus, creating a horcrux.”

“I need help destroying it.” Regulus said quickly, feeling rather urgent. “He cannot rise to power; it would be hell on earth. I cannot allow him this power. It is…unnatural.”

Regulus stared at his brother, fire blazing in his eyes. He needed Sirius’ help. More than anything right now. It was the only way to stop this war. The only way he could have a future with his brother in it.

“Will you help me?”

A glimmer of something flickered in Sirius’ eye as he nodded, and Regulus felt himself overcome with relief.

“Of course, Reg. Of course, I’ll help you.”

[bromfieldhall]

What Makes You Beautiful - A Mentalist Fanfiction

TIMELINE: Set some in the future after series four finale. Minor spoilers.

SYNOPSIS: “Yesterday I made a New Year’s resolution. I’m going to give myself one whole year to woo and win the love of California Bureau of Investigation’s Senior Agent Teresa Lisbon.”

PAIRING: Patrick Jane/Teresa Lisbon

Previous Chapters: 1, 2

CHAPTER 3

"Don't need make-up, to cover up, Being the way that you are is enough"

~ What Makes You Beautiful ~ 1D

March 6th – 06.42am

Lisbon is hurt.

It has nothing to do with work. No suspect bested her in a fight. No criminal got off a lucky shot.

No…she was involved in a car crash when she left CBI last night.

She was merely driving home. No worries. No cases.

Just unlucky enough to be in the wrong place at the wrong time when a car load of drunken kids lost control of their vehicle.

Something that could happen at any time on any day and be just as easily the cause of losing someone you love as pissing off a serial killer with an axe to grind.

She had been late leaving after finishing up the last of her paperwork and I had only said goodbye to her forty minutes prior to receiving the call from the hospital. They said that I was listed down as her contact.

I never knew she'd done that and I really wish that the occasion hadn't arisen for me to find out.

I shouldn't be surprised really, but in truth I'd forgotten how quickly life can kick you where it hurts when you're least expecting it. I guess this is penance for not always remembering.

The woman on the other end of the phone didn't give me any details, just that Lisbon was alive and 'doing as well as can be expected,' whatever the hell that means. I know she was just doing her job and that if SacPD were calling I'd have been dealing with a completely different set of circumstances and emotions, but still…

I never want to go through anything close to those next thirty minutes of my life ever again. The complete agony of not knowing how badly she was hurt had me imagining all kinds of injuries and traumas that Lisbon could have sustained. That's one of the problems working within law enforcement. You get to see too much.

The relief was almost overwhelming when I finally got to see her and found she was relatively unscathed. Apart from being white as a sheet and having a slight bruise to her left cheek and a sprain to her left wrist, she looked good. To me anyway.

The police were there and she gave them a statement. She said she'd seen the other vehicle driving erratically towards her and had managed to swerve out of the way just in time to only receive a glancing hit to the side of her car. It had been enough of a knock to have her sustain her injuries but I knew it could have been much worse and so did she…I could see it in her eyes.

I must confess I didn't say much after that. I couldn't seem to force any words out as I tortured myself by playing out various little scenarios in my head that had altogether vastly different outcomes to the one I was bearing witness to. I just stood to the side and watched as she was treated by nurses and doctors, not able to meet the concerned glances that I knew she kept throwing my way. I don't think she's ever known me to be so quiet.

They finally declared her fit enough to leave at some ridiculous time early this morning and I offered to take her home. I think she agreed purely because she was just grateful that I'd finally spoken. She dozed on the way to her apartment building and when we arrived I gently nudged her awake. I walked her to her door, despite her protests, and made sure she went in safely.

I stood just staring at her closed door for what seemed like an eternity then finally went back to my car. It wasn't until I tried to put the key in the door lock that I realised I was shaking. Badly. I stopped and tried again but it was only on my third attempt that I finally opened my car. I can't even begin to count the amount of times I tried to place the key in the ignition but I eventually managed it and drove back here.

Back to CBI where I'm still sitting on my couch as I have been for the past few hours going over and over everything in my head.

This whole situation has scared the hell out of me and I can feel my new year's resolution shaking on its foundations and about to come tumbling down around my ears.

It's not that I don't love Lisbon…I do. Very much. Maybe even too much. It's just that it's really hit me that if I were to lose her one day, I seriously doubt that I'd ever be able to drag myself out of the deep pit of despair I know I'd sink into.

There have been numerous times in the past that her life has been in danger and yet I've never felt the possibility of her loss more than right at this moment. I'm know being I'm completely irrational…as if facing the threat of danger at work every day is somehow not as terrifying as a random accident that I can do nothing to prevent.

But I can't help it.

It's frustrating and even now, I feel that I'm mentally distancing myself from her; that I have been ever since I realised just how close she was to a head on collision that would most certainly have ended her life…and I can't seem to do anything to stop it no matter how much I want to because something is holding me back.

Something called cowardice.

And I know very well why I'm being so gutless. It's because I've already lost two people I love dearly and I can't…I won't lose another. I need to push her away in order to keep my sanity so that if that unthinkable day ever does come when I can't save her…it won't break me.

Not completely at least.

I suddenly notice the time and stand up. I can't be here when she arrives. I walk swiftly through the bullpen but just as I reach the other side, I hear the elevator ding and out she steps.

My love.

I stop where I am and watch her walk towards me. As she nears I can see that the bruising on her cheek has darkened considerably. It makes me feel sick to think of what could've happened.

"I didn't expect you to be here," she says quietly as she halts a few feet away from me. It's almost as though she knows I'll bolt if she gets any closer.

"I could say the same to you," I hedge, trying to supply a smile but failing miserably.

"I'm fine. There's nothing wrong with me that a little time and make up won't fix," she says with a small smile. "What about you? Did you even get any sleep after you dropped me off?"

I look down and hear her sigh. There's a moment's pause and then she says something that surprises me, even though it really shouldn't.

"Look, I know you were scared last night, Jane, I was too. But I'm here and I'm OK and right now I'm far more worried that you've spent all night thinking yourself round in circles and are going to start pulling away from me again. I didn't like it the last time and I won't put up with it now," she tells me in no uncertain terms. "We've gone past that, haven't we? I thought we were friends again."

"We are," I'm quick to assure her. Whatever else, I always want her to know that.

"So I didn't just catch you trying to leave before I turned up then?" she questions wryly.

My dear, lovely, Teresa. So astute. I forget that she knows me better than I know myself at times. She probably sensed my withdrawal from her before I realised I was doing it myself. That would explain her being here earlier than I'd expected. Always there to steady me when I falter.

I see a sad kind of understanding in her eyes that makes me feel ashamed for even contemplating the idea of running away and I shake my head. "I was just about to make myself a cup of tea," I lie. "Why don't you go to your office and I'll get you a coffee too?"

She nods but I can see her hesitation. She's not sure if she can believe me and despite the fact that not five minutes ago she would have been right in her assumption, it still hurts.

"I won't be long, I promise," I say as I 'shoo' her away.

She goes this time and I head to the break room. I think over what she said as I prepare our drinks and it hits me how she's once again, selflessly, come to the rescue of our friendship. How, after everything that she went through last night, all she cares about is me.

It's a humbling thought and the more I think about my behaviour, the more I grow disgusted with myself for even entertaining the idea of pulling away from her again. Because, really, how can I expect Teresa to give me her heart if I'm not prepared to give her all of mine in return?

I can't keep a part of it back just in case something happens, that's simply not fair to either of us. And to be honest, I no longer want to hold anything back. I know with Teresa my heart will be safe. I just have to convince her that I can keep hers safe too.

I straighten slightly and smile. I like my new resolve. I find it stiffens my spine and gives me courage.

I finish making the drinks and carry them over to her office. The door is open so I walk straight in and place the cups down on her desk before perching myself on the corner next to her. She gives me a grateful smile, although it's debateable whether it's for the coffee or the fact that I came back, then turns her attention back to a small mirror that she's holding.

I see her looking at her bruised cheek critically and notice a make-up brush in her hand poised to deliver, what I assume is, some kind of covering powder.

"It doesn't look that bad," I offer by way of some comfort.

"It doesn't look that good," she retorts with a grimace.

"I'm just glad you're OK. When I got that call last night…" I break off unable to find the words to adequately convey my feelings.

"Jane…" she begins with a softness in her voice that I just don't deserve.

"You were right just now," I cut in. "I was going to run away, to distance myself, all those things I usually do."

She looks surprised at my candour. "So why didn't you?" she asks, a much cooler edge to her tone now.

Confronted with having to be completely honest, I find my compulsion to protect myself come back to the fore and instead of telling her the truth, I blurt out glibly, "I'm still waiting for that dinner I won at the auction."

I regret the words as soon as they leave my mouth and from the flicker of disappointment that crosses Lisbon's face as she looks away, I know that she isn't too impressed either.

I give myself a mental kick upside the head and wonder where my backbone suddenly disappeared to. I'm pretty certain it was there a minute ago.

Whole heart, remember? No holding back. I am determined to be brave.

"To be perfectly honest, Lisbon," I say, drawing her attention once more. "I stayed because…I don't want to be that man anymore."

I refuse to allow any of my masks to fall. I want her to know that I'm telling her the absolute truth. She blinks those big green eyes of hers and a slow grin appears on her beautiful face. The movement, however, seems to give her a painful reminder of her injury and she winces slightly as she turns back to the mirror.

She raises the brush and just as she's about to apply the first dusting, I impulsively reach out and snatch it from her grasp then throw the offending object in the bin.

"What do you think you're doing?" she asks, an adorable frown gracing her features.

"You don't need that, Teresa," I tell her. I reach out again and gently trail my forefinger down the side of her injured cheek then continue on round until it rests snugly under her chin. "You look beautiful…as always."

I see her eyes widen and her cheeks grow very red and I know I should just leave it now. That even though she hasn't vocally protested, I shouldn't push my luck…or her, but I've never been one to do the sensible thing so, instead of letting go, I tilt her head up slightly and lean forward.

Her eyes flicker shut just as I brush my lips tenderly against the top of her smooth, soft cheek. I only intend to kiss her once but as soon as I break contact the scent of her fresh, clean skin calls me back and I find myself leaning in again. Unable to help myself, I repeat my actions over and over as I carefully kiss my way down the entire bruised area making sure I only give the barest of touches so that I don't accidentally hurt her.

Once I reach her jaw, I finally force myself to pull back. I can feel my face must be just as flushed as hers is and it's only now that I panic slightly and wonder how my bold move will be received. Maybe she won't be the only one sporting a bruised face today.

Her eyes slowly flutter open and I am at a loss to know what she is thinking.

"Is that supposed to make it all better?" she asks. She does a good job of hiding the slight tremor in her voice but I hear it anyway and mentally applaud her attempt at composure. It's far better than I would have done if she'd ambushed me this way.

I should just take her words as face value but I have a strong feeling she means more than just her cheek and I don't want to disappoint her with my answer this time.

"No, but I think…I hope that it's a start," I say softly.

"It is," she assures me with a small smile.

I have yet to remove my hand from her chin and as we continue to simply look at each other I'm sorely tempted to lean back in and kiss her properly this time.

The sudden sound of the elevator announcing its arrival at our floor is an unwelcome intrusion and, with an apologetic smile, I reluctantly let her go as I hear the voices of the rest of the team punctuate the air.

I stand and pick up my cup and saucer then take a couple of steps back so there's a respectable distance between us while she feigns interest in her computer just as Cho pops his head through the open doorway.

"Morning, Boss," he greets then pauses when he sees her face and comes in the office to ask, "What happened to you?"

I stand quietly by as she explains about the accident and although I still feel that familiar flash of fear of what might have transpired if her reactions had been a fraction slower, I'm relieved to find it's no longer accompanied by the urge to distance myself.

Well, not an uncontrollable urge anyway. It's still there, I can feel it. I just have a much stronger desire to ignore it now.

I sip my tea and it comes as something of a revelation to me to realise that I probably need this year as much to come to terms with some of my own demons as I do to fulfil my resolution.

It's a sobering thought and not something I'd anticipated if I'm honest.

"You OK?" she suddenly asks me with a trace of concern.

I realise that while I've been contemplating my life, Cho has left and we are alone again. "Never better," I assure her with a smile. "You?"

She smiles back. "I'm good." She pauses and from her hesitation and sudden colour in her cheeks, I think I can guess what's coming. "About what happened…"

"Yes?" I encourage her with a smile when she pauses.

Unlike the time I said I loved her, I'm quite happy to talk about this now, if she can find the nerve to ask me about it. The trick with Lisbon is to offer her breadcrumbs and if she chooses to follow it's all well and good, if she doesn't…I know to back off and bide my time.

She stares at me for what feels like ages and just when I think she's going to broach the subject of our…interlude, Cho walks into the office again.

"Am I interrupting something?" he asks, as he looks between the two of us with a quirked eyebrow.

"No, of course not," Lisbon replies, professional as ever. "What is it?"

He tells us of a new case that has just come in and I go to the break room to rinse out my cup in readiness to leave. As I turn to head back out, Lisbon appears in the doorway and, after a cursory glance behind her, she steps into the room.

"So…when we close this case, how about we have that dinner you paid so much for?" she asks. Her attempt at nonchalance is spoiled only by the fact that she then bites nervously on her bottom lip.

"Sure," I reply with a grin. "It's a date."

She reddens slightly at my words but, notably, doesn't contradict me. Instead, she gives me a little smile and walks away.

My psychic abilities may be completely fake but after receiving such a tempting incentive, there's one prediction I know for certain will come true today…I'm going to have this case closed in record time.

END CHAPTER 3