#but years of ppl telling u ur not rly sick will get to u lol! ill always think what if im lying!

[lepidopteragirl]

just remembered the time. back in february couple days after valentine’s day i just got back from a meet and i don’t know maybe she missed me or something. i’m sick in the head. and in ONE NIGHT she used the phrase “if [my name] and i were dating” as a hypothetical. made a joke about how getting w girls is easier and when i said lol no it’s not she said haha well maybe that’s a u problem and i laughed about it bc it was like a good joke did not take it too srs she’s not wrong but like 20 minutes later after the girl we were w earlier left she apologized and was like. i do think ur dateable u know that right. and then used the fact that ppl used to think we were dating at the beginning of the year as an example to prove her point. AND THEN. at the end of the night she mentioned how she was gonna post that one. before valentine’s day anyone wanna tell me they got a crush on me. meme on her story and then was like. i rly would want to know. if someone had a crush on me. like i wouldn’t be weird about it. and then EYE was like. oh holy god. i’ll tell her. i should tell her. but just after she stops talking to tinder guy of the month (he’s new she just started talking to him three days ago). and then she’s STILL TALKING TO HIM THREE MONTHS LATER

[menalez]

Peak story time please!!!

What was the first thing that peaked you, and when did you peak (not just specifically “peak trans,” but anything “peak patriarchy”)?

okay so in terms of like “peak patriarchy” tbh it’s hard to pick one moment. i grew up in a pretty patriarchal society & country. i was already pretty sick of it from a young age bc i was basically getting called a whore, being harassed, & getting pressured by ppl within my society (luckily not my family) over me not wearing the hijab. when i was in my early teens, i faced rape & most ppl i had opened up to (most being close friends) either said it was my fault or called me a liar or basically minimised what my rapist did like it’s not a big deal to rape someone. again, was called a whore & harassed for that. then i had this one guy as a remaining friend & lucky me, happens to be a guy who had a crush on me for 4 years at this point & was persistent despite repeated rejection. eventually i felt bad and powerless bc rejecting him didn’t mean anything to him, he was arguing im “still his girlfriend” (when i said im not with him & do not want to be) and he said maybe to ME we rnt together but to him we r. anyways after putting up with that for a while, i ended it for the 50th time & he said “is it bc ur a lesbian” and i said yes. 6 months later he sends me flowers to my place in bahrain (his brother delivers it to me) & i was like wtf. so i had to end it again. and again. by that point i was pretty fed up honestly but eventually i got him to leave me alone bc he said like “stay pls maybe i can change your mind ;(“ and i said he cannot and then said if my mind changes ill hit him up. i already knew my mind wouldn’t be changed lol bc i tried not to be a lesbian for long enough to know it’s just not possible. but at least that somehow convinced him to leave me alone. but then when i was done w that situation & opened up about being a lesbian online, i got repeatedly hassled on whether id date a trans woman etc & about penises. i was a tra and was like no unm id totally date a trans woman but not with a penis bc im penis-repulsed. and ofc then i got hassled w messages like “isnt that terfy / transphobic” so at this point im like what the fuck. here’s where i started to peak. anyways like a year or two later i have my first gf right and she’s a massive TRA. im still leaning towards the TRA side but talking vocally about how sex exists & so does sex-based oppression & that lesbians are allowed not to like penis. anyways my then-gf pressures me into an open relationship & says it’s bc my body is like “too perfect” & it makes her insecure and she hates her body etc. she says that she was told that polyamory can help solve her body image issues & was convincing me of how it’d work. i was skeptical and not for having an open relationship but like how can u say no to someone u love telling u that ur the reason for their insecurities & that u can help them simply by letting them fuck other ppl??? so i was like okay fine. immediately my ex dates like 3 other ppl at once, 1 of them being a trans woman. i was against this n was like how’s this meant to help w ur body image issues … this person literally has a penis and a completely body from u… n my ex was tryna convince me that it does help somehow. anyways the trans woman wants desperately for us to become a throuple. writin detailed fantasies about me to my then-gf, made a Facebook profile set in bahrain with an arabic name with a hentai profile pic, etc. eventually my ex says “oh but i don’t think she’d be into that, she’s penis repulsed” and the tw goes all :( aw what a shame :( i hope she gets help for this :( and my ex agrees. my ex then tells me about this non-chalantly. im like erm ok… then a week later i text my ex and i say that the whole thing rly upset me. they both then proceed to gaslight me that im crazy & it’s not like that & im such a misandrist & i should be able to love trans women bc they’re women and what’s in their pants doesn’t matter. my ex switches between telling me that i should undergo some genital “exposure therapy” and telling me such therapies aren’t useful so it’s not like they want me to go there. i stand down eventually. probs peak trans there

[okcat]

.

[howelljenkins]

u dont have to respond but. ive always admired your ability to set boundaries and i wanted advice. im a hs junior and ive come to the realization that i truly do not like 80% of my friends. they are the chronically online, academically obsessed, screenshotting others grades type. and i hate being around that kind of negative energy, especially as i believe this snake like behavior does nothing to improve your own achievements and numbers. especially in junior year, id like to maintain a (1/?)

more calming presence to combat this. ive recently expressed this to them but they all have such a phat ego they think it applies to everyone but then. i dont know how to ease off talking to them or even cut them off without seeming like a bitch, but i really am sick of all the stupid comments and passive aggressive talk. i cant tell if its just paranoia or maybe i have that bad vibe where i attract friends like this, and ik if i cut them off i wont have a lot of people in my circle at all (2/2)

it sucks bc high school is such an insular environment with a much more centralized culture that emphasizes and encourages certain attitudes so it’s way harder to not only escape it but also to find ppl who also don’t mess w the culture. that being said if ur ok with being more low key and having a smaller circle of friends u should def pull away from them. no matter what at the end of the day u might come off as a bitch but that can’t be helped unfortunately. i think the least painful way to do this for both parties would be to just stop returning any energy and muting any group chats and maybe moving around ur seat at lunch etc. things to keep in mind to return as little energy as possible is sticking to one word answers, “nah im good” whenever ppl ask u to hang out, vaguely indicating distaste whenever they try to include u in negative conversations (“yeahhhh y’all know i don’t rly mess with all that..” while pulling a stank face does wonders), etc etc. tough situation all around but hopefully either they change or u succeed in getting some space from all that. you could also just say “honestly i don’t fw any of u guys anymore lol” and dip but that may be a little more drama than it’s worth lol

[mousemilf]

Ok no Riley i rly wanna let you know how much your post abt productivity resonated w me. 2 years ago in one of my therapy sessions, I told my therapist how much I hated that i wasn't making anyyy art and how much i wanted to get back at it and had no motivation to do basically anything not even the things i wanna do etc and was feeling Soo crushed by my own lack of "productivity" in general bc i was so depressed. and her response was. "capitalism rly makes us feel like we have to be productive all the time huh :// you feel such a pressure to be productive and do more thats so bad for you right?" And like.. not that that isn't partly true ofc it is but UH...... when she said that i realized it wasn't just guilt of being unproductive bc capitalism. it wasn't just guilt from not moving! not moving in itself was also making me sick and i told her that. I literally wasn't making any art whatsoever for months. and I LIKE MAKING ART. I'm an artist LOL. i believe making art is important not just bc i feel a pressure to "create content for others" or "create something others think is good to make myself feel valuable" (which IS part of the pressure all of us feel to create and we gotta recognize and question that) but also, and MOSTLY, bc MAKING ART IS GOOD FOR ME LMAO. IT'S GOOD TO PROCESS AND CONNECT STUFF AND CREATE NEW SHIT WITH THAT AND EXPERIMENT and SHARE THAT PROCESS W PPL and DO THINGS and FEEL UR MOVING W THE WORLD..... like you said "productivity" isn't just connected to capitalism and uh the empty feeling that tells us something's wrong and we gotta do something and move around shouldn't always fucking be ignored bc it "ObViOusLy" just comes from a "capitalistic understanding of usefulness that makes us guilty" like. feeling useless and unconnected to our community and the world is BAD for our health lol. capitalism makes us believe that that feeling can only be solved by working a job and our desire to be productive should only be used and is only valid when it's explored in order to create wealth for capitalists etc, but uhm being productive doesn't actually mean just that. we crave human connection and to do things with it and towards it. Anyways i was so angry at my therapist for basically reducing my like desperate feelings from being so depressed i couldn't create anything or even get motivated to Desire anything and move towards anything on like "yeah capitalism makes us guilty when we're unproductive! That's the reason ur so afflicted! :)" like hmm. maybe not doing things can be bad for us sometimes too lmfao. also like u said before I think capitalism fucking thrives on our alienation and making us work meaningless jobs so hard that we don't feel motivated to do anything meaningful for ourselves. so like saying "oh it's ok to not do anything ever don't feel bad!" is not the dunk on capitalism that some ppl believe it is lollllll. sorry for this long ass ask but i just wanted to share that ive also been reflecting abt the same things you have and the over simplistic "never doing things is valid!" posts bother me a lot too

hey thank u a lot for taking the time to send this <3<3 i think you explained it in a much more valid way than me lol i was simplistic and venty. but yeah literally literally.... literally.

[scarlethallow160]

as someone who was repeatedly on the receiving end of being used as an outlet by ex-friends talking about their love lives Constantly i refuse to subject anyone else to that

but i will also put a one-time cringefilled rambling post out

it has literally been so long since ive liked someone? the last person i “liked” was the only guy in my painting class i think like my freshman or sophomore year of college, and even then i just thought he was nice and like.....one of the hottest guys i’ve ever seen irl so i didnt technically like-like him bc we also barely interacted

but this is....different. i think he’s only been here like a month now? close to it? this was before my promotion so i didnt rly have to go out of my way to talk to anyone, so anytime someone starts chatting with me first at work i get pleasantly surprised, and hes pretty quiet so i was just like oh a nice new work acquaintance person to talk to at work?? when he’d occasionally talk to me (at my job sometimes even when ur working the same or similar shifts u may not ever see people lol). i’ve seen him talking with some other rly nice dudes at work i consider my work-friends so i thought maybe they mentioned me to him as one of the cool ppl at work and thats why he felt comfortable enough to start talking to me?

idk so whenever i’d see his name in the dash i’d be like oh cool x is here but again sometimes we’d rarely see each other cuz thats just how it is at work....but it is EXTREMELYYY rare that anyone shows any romantic interest in me--bc i was Absolutely the person assholes asked out as a joke in school--or any sort of interest really? so anytime someone (mostly guys if im being honest bc despite being queer, my brain can still be stuck in heteronormative ways....) goes out of their way to talk to me/be nice, i get like a little spasm in my brain?? and get a mixture of paranoia and anxiety thinking things like hm why are they talking to me? why are they being nice to me? are they just nice or do they like me/want something from me? shit like that. so whenever he’d talk to me i’d be like hmmmmmm why tho bc i overthink literally everything

and then one afternoon i was by myself finishing bagging my cart, and he was off already but when he walked past he was like “have a nice afternoon :)“ and i was like omg thanks u too?? bc even tho there are ppl i talk with at work, we dont usually say anything to each other when we pass in the store lol

i dont think me n the guy saw each other much after that or that thing happened where he’d be busy shopping and i’d be stuck in the box for us to interact much (and i also missed like three days a couple days ago from being really sick lmao) so yesterday when i saw we basically had almost the same shift cuz he was the 10pm and i was the closing specialist, i got happy bc initially i was like oh nice, one of the nice acquaintance ppl i talk to is here

but yesterday was a fucking shitshow and we were SO busy and honestly it was super disappointing cuz normally for closing shifts it gets chill and me and the other work ppl just relax and chat until closing so i was hoping that would happen but it didnt....and hes again pretty quiet so i cant tell if at times maybe hes too tired from the work to want to talk so i also dont want to bug him by trying to chat him up? but there was actually some moments that got chill where we were able to chat, and ive been wearing my dgd hat to work and it says their name on the back of it, and he saw it and asked if i listened to them and i was like !!!! bc ppl rarely have heard of them so i was kinda like oh shit wow hes actually heard of them and he mentioned that he i think listened to them in back high school?

(which.........if im being honest was kind of a relief to hear cuz that means hes not underage. but hopefully he’s like 20 or older bc i will feel shitty if i ended up liking a 19yearold without realizing it lmaooo and also at work its at the point where u literally cant tell how old some ppl are now)

but he mentioned he preferred another band i’d heard of in passing lol but then also i happened to look at him when his mask was kind of off, and i’d alrdy seen him without his mask before, but in that moment my brain spasm made me think ummm he kinda hot tho? and thats when i came to my extremely unfortunate realization.

and today his shift didnt start til much later, so technically if i had left my shift on time i wouldve seen him Maybe for an hour at most, but we were also rly fuckin busy today so i stayed a couple hours extra to help...and it fucking sucks now cuz anytime i saw him in the store, the monkey part of my brain would have that little spasm. and like...again i dont want to go out of my way to talk to him bc hes kinda hard to read on his mood but i also? Do want to talk to him when i can?? but at the same time i dont want to get my hopes up cuz ive literally never dated anyone before, and now that im a specialist and have like the tiniest bit of authority over the regular partners, id be worried if dating would even be allowed cuz we work in the same department, BUT AGAIN even thinking that is me getting my hopes up which i rly do not want to do.

this is so so so fucking stupid and cringey and embarrassing but even if nothing happens i kind of look forward now to seeing if we’ll have intersecting shifts? so in a weird cringey way i get kind of excited about future shifts and working now???

im trying to look on the bright side of things even if nothing happens lmaoaoao part of me also kind of wants to mention this to my friends who also work with me in case they....happen to hear of anything.....but at the same time i dont want them to see me talking to him/sending him out to shop knowing that i like him???

idk idk idk rambling about this shit helps even tho i also dont want anyone to see this and see how lame i’m being :))))))) this is literally such an unexpected turn of events. theres a guy in the produce department who made it clear he likes me but makes me uncomfortable (and also annoys me when he constantly tries to talk to me, tbh, hence my reservations abt wanting to talk to The Guy) with how....strong he comes on, and im like.........if someone were to like me could i pls change who it is hahahahhahahahah

things have been tough as of late so at least this is a Distraction?

it’s also a fucking sick joke bc our store puts out announcements congratulating the employees if they first started, if it’s their work anniversary, or their birthday, etc. and i saw one for The Guy last month bc he has the same birthday as my super shitty ex-friend/roommate lollllllllll

[03ric]

i'm 19 too and stopped uni this year because it was making me so unhappy and i wanted to die every single day and then everyone was like that's it!! you wasted so much time and now it's too late for anything like im 19?!?? i'm so much happier now studying what i really want and everyone tells me i won't ever get a job with that but honestly idc anymore!! i just want to be HAPPY that's the most important thing and when you said you skipped uni too i was so happy because i know that i'm not the only one...not everyone's path has to be studying law/business/medicine and then making tons of money like there's other things out there i have to tell myself that everyday!! we will make it through and we won't regret it!!

YEAH !! i did tourism and everyone there was like . already involved in that field and rly passionate abt it and i was like ???? hello :) i am there bc my parents told me to also i like airplanes :) ???????? the 1st semester was ok but then lockdown happened n . i literally couldnt bear it anymore like my mom did some of my assignments for me bc i wasnt able to do them all on time which was sick. also had a breakdown every day bc it was so dull to me and had to do group projects over a zoom call with ppl who i didnt know abt things i didnt understand at all <3 i dropped out in may and i got so much happier !!!!! i chose my current thing randomly though LOL i just wanted to have my proffesion instead of some random job and it was the best decision ive ever made bc i didnt think i would enjoy it THAT much !! and yea i tell myself the same things!!!! working in a field i find boring just to make a lot of money would NEVER work for me . thank u for sharing this <3 sending positive vibes ur way !!

[alukaforyou]

and ALSO sry to post bs on main im mostly just talking to myself in my personal tag half the time so yolo, no need to respond to this or reassure me or whatever but these days i licherally question how much of my - sry to sound like a broken record - bs is dépression or just my shité mentality, like i rly was not designed to last, huh? physically or mentally? lol. like who gets motion sickness on swings lmao anyways. i think i give up too easily. theres a bunch of reasons y but i dont feel like saying. its a different thing to kind of kno something, and to admit / speak it (confront it). i could psychoanalyze myself all day and tell u exactly why some things are the way they are but its too unpleasant to neatly state stuff like that u kno?? like... *i kno* but im not gonna say i kno. anywho, i digress. so i give up easily and kind of have a defeatist mentality too, its so exhausting lool. actually its weird cuz duality of man, i'll be rly determined / stubborn abt doing some stuff and not care abt fear of failure with certain things but when it comes to My Life / My Future i just think i cant rly do anything? i mean that literally like i got no skillz *laugh crying emoji* not particularly good at anything, and art - the only thing im maybe arguably ok at - i dont wanna do as a career, that is art therapy for me i dont feel like commercializing it. not interested in working in my major, maybe things wouldve been different if i went to culinary or cosmetology school?? that sounds fun. or if i majored in bio cuz i was so good at that, or even if i majored in japanese language or literature or idk. but no regrets tho cuz i learned a lot abt drawing in art school which i can use for myself. and hmm i like staying home and not rly going out of my way to meet new ppl so connections what? i h8 hearing how most opportunities come through the ppl u kno cuz its true and ik like 10 ppl tops so hm very sexi of me :^) i just feel like im p much f*cked and it rly doesnt help that i have no functional dreams, goals, or aspirations nor the confidence and drive to work towards anything so ah ok cool. u kno suga's songs "the last" and "so far away" ? that p much sums up my feels minus the part abt having to deal w fame obviously LOL. its so easy being a student (for me at least) but being a good student isnt really worth a whole lot in the """""real world""""" and the current education system doesnt even rly prepare u for reality or w.e like Deep Sigh also the political climate rly lookin like shité out there like hmmmmm do i even wanna try so hard to be here anymore tho??? also going back to the self confidence thing, ya idk her LOOOOL like it doesnt very much bother me tho? i really, honest to god have no idea what my redeeming qualities even are. being nice? and my mindset re - tolerance and compassion for others, etc, ya im rly proud of that actually but besides that i mean like what can i Do tho like hm im not particularly good at anything also im hideous like uglee but thats ok too like none of this Bothers me, thats just literally how i Am so ok fine, but i feel like it makes it hard for me to exist in the world i happen to be in??? and i realize im speaking with a huge bias here cuz my brain is totally out of whack im p sure if some1 saw me / read this they would lit be like um u literally do not have it hard girl, which is fair ur kinda right actually from an objective pov, probably? its amazing how um. hard? of a time my brain is having given my relatively ok circumstances but thats just how it is ig. and if i may quote shakespeare - o full of scorpions is my mind. and its weird cuz duality of man - i actually have a lot of good times w friends and whatever i have a lot of fun, im not even very Sad or in Agony its all very a mild? sensation? but that might be because my plan b is to simply *** so nothing rly fazes me anymore lool.

its usually a v confusing emotion, im either feeling happy, or if not that, very ???? im literally that duwang quote get a feeling so complicated its just "ajdjsjsja" idk its not overly repulsive and upsetting im like :s LOL u kno wat at this point idek what im even saying anymore but its good that im writing whatever cuz im gonna need to look back on this later and organize my thoughts for presentation cuz remember i have a s.o now???? i wanna let them kno so we r on the same page, and i dont feel like im tricking them, i thought it over more and there are like 4? major cards i wanna lay out on the table early on and they are 1. im not that close w my family emotionally so do not seek their approval or expect to deal with them much. 2. personal ideology / political views like im bi lmao and pro lgbt if that wasnt obvious also i dont rly wanna be around racists / terfs etc and if ur right wing or not on that respect women juice uhhh bye.. 3. my weak ass mentality how i might Maybe *** in the future like no promise but errrr theres one more but its a little more negotiable and also too early to discuss so i wont mention it but i already got the first two outta the way so ya. theres the most troublesome of all, #3. the last thing i wanna do is traumatize someone that loves me (and i love back) with that kinda thing, its too late for my dear friends whom i love, sorry i didnt kno i was gonna be like this LOL yall already got attached but its a little different with my s.o cuz i feel like its not too late to uh.... stop getting as attached LMAO like dam i've known my girls for almost 10 years whereas i've only known my s.o for like a month.

and this is totally not gonna come across right but if my s.o very understandably desides to dump me id be SO RELIEVED LIKE WOOOO ok cool cuz like essentially what i'd be saying is you are getting attached to someone who's future is not as stable as other people, including u. *huge exhale* from the bottom of my heart, my bad lol. and then i probs wont ever get involved w. a s.o again, sorry to reference snk in 2020 but remember how e*win smith is single cuz he doesnt kno when he will ***? big mood. i have never acted out on my interests before but i was like ok for once lets go off the shits and do smth ooc, i uh... didnt expect for it to actually go anywhere tho so now im like ???? i shouldve thought it through more tho, like i felt low key irresponsible af and selfish and dumb for getting involved w. someone even tho i Know how I Am like...... Also i just lov being single and staying home and chilling alone lmao like i seriously...... never get loney....

ok so what was i talking abt? how the passage of time makes me nervous cuz idk how i can manage to keep up w it??? how i feel like i cant do jack shit???? that life is hard???? and maybe a bih just wants to rest? permanently?????? i think the most irritating part of all for me, like what i am most mad about at myself is that i have no dream. yikes. naruto, do u think thats sad? well yoongi said its okay, and what counts is just being happy, so i will console myself and forgive her and idk just try my best for the time being??

[thesunlightmuse]

i rly wanna let you know how much that post abt productivity resonated w me. 2 years ago in one of my therapy sessions, I told my therapist how much I hated that i wasn't making anyyy art and how much i wanted to get back at it and had no motivation to do basically anything not even the things i wanna do etc and was feeling Soo crushed by my own lack of "productivity" in general bc i was so depressed. and her response was. "capitalism rly makes us feel like we have to be productive all the time huh :// you feel such a pressure to be productive and do more thats so bad for you right?" And like.. not that that isn't partly true ofc it is but UH...... when she said that i realized it wasn't just guilt of being unproductive bc capitalism. it wasn't just guilt from not moving! not moving in itself was also making me sick and i told her that. I literally wasn't making any art whatsoever for months. and I LIKE MAKING ART. I'm an artist LOL. i believe making art is important not just bc i feel a pressure to "create content for others" or "create something others think is good to make myself feel valuable" (which IS part of the pressure all of us feel to create and we gotta recognize and question that) but also, and MOSTLY, bc MAKING ART IS GOOD FOR ME LMAO. IT'S GOOD TO PROCESS AND CONNECT STUFF AND CREATE NEW SHIT WITH THAT AND EXPERIMENT and SHARE THAT PROCESS W PPL and DO THINGS and FEEL UR MOVING W THE WORLD..... like you said "productivity" isn't just connected to capitalism and uh the empty feeling that tells us something's wrong and we gotta do something and move around shouldn't always fucking be ignored bc it "ObViOusLy" just comes from a "capitalistic understanding of usefulness that makes us guilty" like. feeling useless and unconnected to our community and the world is BAD for our health lol. capitalism makes us believe that that feeling can only be solved by working a job and our desire to be productive should only be used and is only valid when it's explored in order to create wealth for capitalists etc, but uhm being productive doesn't actually mean just that. we crave human connection and to do things with it and towards it. Anyways i was so angry at my therapist for basically reducing my like desperate feelings from being so depressed i couldn't create anything or even get motivated to Desire anything and move towards anything on like "yeah capitalism makes us guilty when we're unproductive! That's the reason ur so afflicted! :)" like hmm. maybe not doing things can be bad for us sometimes too lmfao. also like u said before I think capitalism fucking thrives on our alienation and making us work meaningless jobs so hard that we don't feel motivated to do anything meaningful for ourselves. so like saying "oh it's ok to not do anything ever don't feel bad!" is not the dunk on capitalism that some ppl believe it is lollllll. sorry for this long ass ask but i just wanted to share that ive also been reflecting abt the same things you have and the over simplistic "never doing things is valid!" posts bother me a lot too

A nuanced take is always better than a sweeping generalization :)

[ch4lk34t3r]

was tagged by @okami-117 to answer questions lol

1. What is one of your fondest memories?

id say it would be the first date i went on w/ tee. even though we walked for what seemed like forever, it was a rly nice way to get to know one another.

2. Is there something you’ve been meaning to do? What’s stopping you?

expanding my art career i guess. but i dont know whats stopping me, lack of motivation? school?

3. What would you rather be doing right now?

watchin vines w/ tee lmao

4. What’s your favourite dessert? Why?

i like macaroons! esp the raspberry ones!

5. What pet peeves do you have?

i dont like when ppl try to act like theyre better than everyone. like, if they listen to an older music genre and shit on newer music, etc.

6. What would your ideal house be like? Where would it be located?

id like a brick house (keeps cold air in) in Florida w/ tee and our cats 

7. What trend/fad do you hope comes back?

i hope silly bands come back bc i have so many of them lol

8. Who was/is your most interesting friend?

tee is my most interesting friend bc shes been through a lot (and a lot of the same things i went through) and is such a good person and helps me through my problems

9. What would make you instantly swipe left on Tinder, or decide not to go onna second date?

if ur not tee lmao

10. What TV show character would be the most fun to change places with for a week?

i mean,,,itd be cool to be doctor who (probs the 11th doc tbh)

1. If you could/had to choose one food to eat for the rest of you life (with no nutritional/whatever ill effects), what would you choose? Why?

well,,,,pizza is p great ngl

2. Do you prefer to lead, or to follow? Why?

follow i guess bc i dont know how to lead lol

3. If you had to choose between all your hair being replaced by (regrowing) teeth of the equivalent size, or all your teeth being replaced by beard hair; what would you choose? Why?

i mean,,, beard hair for teeth sounds p cool to me man

4. You have $5 Billion, and a month to spend it. Any money left over is taken away and wiped from existence. How do you spend the money?

charity and buying my mom a new house 

5. You have died, and have the choice of one day you have already experienced to play on repeat for the rest of time (you won’t know it’s on repeat). What day do you choose? Why?

my first date w/ tee bc it was so great lmao

6(i). Do you play any instruments? What is your favourite song to play? Why?

i used to play a little bit of piano and guitar (electric and acoustic) but i just stopped one day 

6(ii). If you dont play any instruments, or just prefer this question, what is your favourite song? Why?

my fav song is probs mariyln mansons “speed of pain” or “dissociative” or “coma white”

7. Would you rather have gills and a total resistance to depth-pressurisation and cold temperatures while swimming (predators are confused by you and won’t attack or flee), or wings and a total resistance to altitude sickness and cold air while flying? Why?

wings for sure. im sick of motion sickness lmao

8. What would your ideal house be like? And where would it be?

answered

9. You can instantly master one skill. What is it, and why?

digital art lmao im struggling

10. Would you rather never need to sleep and never get sick from sleep deprivation, or be able to choose exactly how long you sleep? Why?

choose exactly how long i sleep bc i cant rly wake up to alarms

1. If you can have only one animal in the world to exist, what would it be?

cats

2. Would you rather talk in riddles one day every month, or become mute for one day of every month?

become mute 

3. What is the best day ever for you?

the day i met tee

4. If you could do one activity you typically can’t do, what would it be?

play piano bc i forgot how to play and kinda wanna pick it back up again

5. If you could live in another world, where would it be and why.

does homestuck count as a world?

6. If you could change the past would you do it? Explain. If you would change it, what would it be?

i wouldnt change anything bc im not abt that butterfly effect business

7. If you can send a message to future generations of your family, what would it be? Would you impart wisdom, tell a joke, or talk about the present day life for you? Describe it.

id probs meme it up lmao

8. You can bring one item from your imagination, what would it be?

infinite art supplies

9. If you could change one thing about society what would it be?

quit bein so racist u bitches

10. You have the ability to shadow anyone for one day of the year. Who would it be? (Can be from any point in human history)

probs bob ross lol

i tag anyone that wants to do this lmao

[ludowoods]

advice that really mattered to me for games/cg

hello! i said i'd write up a quick thing on my experience going to school for games/art and a little bit abt how u can potentially increase ur chances of landing a job. i’m really excited to have started working on spiderm@n ps4 at insomni@c games this week, and i kind of wanted to pass on some useful general advice that a lot of people have shared with me in case u might also find it helpful!

general advice!?

if you're interested in it, make games! make games outside of school. portfolios with really solid projects (especially personal projects) stand out.

if you are interested in one part of games find resources or assets showing off that one part of games you're really good at. you don't need to have a whole game to show off your sick rigs

the most important portfolio advice i've ever received: the weakest work in your portfolio is what directors judge you by. it's showing not only your skill but your taste. when you put work in your portfolio, you're saying, "hey this is good!" if the work is actually weak then art directors are like "oh, you must think that's really good." your personal standard matters. (related story: an art director confessed he's hired people with 2 pieces of work in their portfolio before.)

if you're interested in applying for a certain position, make sure everything in your portfolio is saying you're very good at that certain thing. trim the fat unless you're a generalist. if you did rigging once and aren't interested in doing that there's no reason that should be in your portfolio. your portfolio is your personal voice and should tell a viewer what you want to do. if you have 5 scattered things and not a lot of effort into one in particular, directors will wonder if you really know what you want to do. figure that out first (really! take your time with it) and make sure your portfolio says that.

on that note: try different roles. try scripting, vfx, rigging, lighting, drawing, etc. you might learn the one thing you thought you wanted to do might not be as cool and fit for you as the thing you haven't tried yet. there's a lot of things in games/film that aren't super accessible, so if you have the resources give different things a whirl.

show people your games/art and implement their feedback. be gracious. an important part of this industry is being able to understand and sort through feedback that's useful and will help you toward your goal. it's also important to understand when you might have to implement feedback (of... clients...) against what you might believe is best for the project

for games going to industry conferences is really one of the best shots you have at getting relevant feedback on your work, and it is definitely how i landed my current gig. there are lots of scholarships + opportunities for attending GDC and my best advice is take advantage of them if you can. go to talks + meetups for the things you’re interested in, introduce yourself to strangers (if it’s acceptable in the current situation), ask hiring companies for feedback on your portfolio (get a cheap tablet and load all ur images or gifs on it), and collect business cards from everyone you talk to. this is just common sense stuff but i think it’s the best way to get a foothold in this industry.

someone asked what majors + subjects are most important/fundamental to creating good art. i think honestly one of the most important things to me is being both familiar with the work standards of the industry you're in (looking at lots of art + games daily, understanding why this art or game is good or not good, understanding industry expectations for the roles you're interested working in) and also really being into something outside of that industry. i think the most incredible work i see in games are by creators who have an incredible curiosity or invested passion abt something that isn't games. (honestly........ i'm rly bored of games made by ppl who only ever think abt games. YOU CAN TELL...) i think games as an expression of that fascination with a non-games thing is rly refreshing...... ok now this is just a personal take but that's my opinion.

on that note! a couple people asked how to get your work noticed. i don't know honestly? i think to me a personal voice is very important. think about the thing you really want to do, the content you're really interested in, the visual aesthetics you're inspired by... i think ""style"" is an overused term at this point but i think having a personal understanding of these things and being honest about it really shows in your work and gives it voice. like the above point too you should really think about things outside of your field. like it's totally cool to be REALLY INTO GAMES and all your work is sotc homages or something. but even looking at the influences of sotc like mayan architecture and researching latin american art i think will enrich your work.

also on being noticed: present your work well and post consistently. if you're working on a game, you should be keeping a devlog and documenting what you've worked on and what you'll be doing next. i don't think i have to say much on art for this bc other ppl have said it better than me but yeah.

i wanted to write a bit abt my experience with RIT's 3D program— it could change in a few years or ppl around me might've felt v differently. i'm v privileged to have had this opportunity, and i was able to take advantage of a lot of resources but sometimes i kind of wish i could've gotten a little more.

school: what went well

i experimented and learned things outside what i thought i wanted to go into. it gave me the chance to put aside my previous goals (visdev) and try something i couldn't have pictured myself doing (technical art).

i was able to seek help from departments outside of my art program and learn deeper technical skills. i'm really grateful to a lot of professors in the interactive/games/media department bc they had lot of industry experience to share as well.

i had meaningful mentorship from multiple professors who could offer not only technical pointers but also an experienced perspective on career and life.

my professors have been great references in my getting a job and have also referred me to colleagues for positions.

art foundations classes kicked my ass and in a good way. i think people around me learned crit skills also.

school: definitely a personal beef here but what i hoped would be better...

i didn't always feel challenged by my peers. for school, i think having support and being challenged by your peers is an important part of the experience. i kind of wish someone else did similar work to me in my program or work i would aspire be as good as. however, a lot of the work from my graduating class doesn't rly impress me. i don't feel like i got great crit from the majority of my peers after my junior year.

my program didn't have any game industry experienced professionals. while i could go to the games school for answers, i didn't have any concept of this field until i started my minor my junior year. i kind of feel like i got a late start on the education that really mattered to me.

the job/coop office for my department is Terrible. the white guy working there has no concept of how our field works and once held a seminar to complain to everyone in our major that it was our fault he didn't know how to do his job. when we made suggestions and told him what we needed, he refused to listen and even yelled at us that it didn't work like that. i was on my own for finding my current job— and it doesn't mean i hated it or didn't try, but my cat helped me more than the job office in landing a job. none of the job fairs at this school are game (especially art LOL... ur prob fine if youre dev) related, and some of the professional opportunities (free professional conference admission) for the field offered by the games school aren't open to the 3D major. i was very lucky that i won a GDC scholarship my senior year because i planned to pay that out of pocket (and for remaining expenses i still did).

[v-le]

Kdrama: Tomorrow With You Review

Forewarning: There are moments within this review in which I sort of abandon any sense of professionalism, oops. Enjoy! *images to be added soon.

The OTP

Same age in real life omg I've never seen a pair so perfect.

NO SECOND LEADS. I absolutely love it when the focus is only on the mains, with no pointless distractions or love triangles that go no where. I love it. i rly do

cute cute cute cute times a million

They honestly looked like a legitimate couple, I feel like I could spot several moments when they even broke through their actual characters and ad-libbed it out or something

Many people were also complaining about how slow (I assume they meant relationship progression???) it was, and got annoyed over their "back-and-forth-ness"?? honest to god, yes they were so beautiful that I barely noticed it. But also, it was so logical to me, the process they went through in which they lied to each other & then failed to communicate until later. Like, it didn’t piss me off because it made sense...? I didn’t see anything wrong with it? It went a little like: 

Yoo So-joon hits on her because he knows how they’re connected by death.

He tries to shake her off, but realizes who she really is (a fellow survivor).

He becomes interested again.

THEY FCKING GET MARRIED in FCKING EP 4 IF THAT IS SLOW TO U, THEN STFU AND GTFO

He obvi don’t love her fully, but she’s already heads over heels

She feels suspicious af and he doesn’t tell her stuff (that even his friends know). And he gets angry easily while he tries to protect his ppl, but keeps his secret hidden.

She got sick and he pulls off his romantic but materialistic resolution.

He opens up to her a little bit more and they cry it out.

He makes a wrong move again and then is basically forced to reveal his secret.

She’s like what the actual fuck is wrong with you, but comes to terms with it.

They get closer, but she feels empty because she rly don’t know much about him and he is as careless as ever.

Her heart breaks over the reality of him disappearing so easily.

So-joon is slowly realizing the future that’s in store for them.

Tries to call it quits and play noble idiot, but she won’t take his fake, snarky ass.

So they make up and he really really really realizes that he must change the future, no matter what. He has nothing left for her him but her.

He tries hard. but doesn’t try hard enough.

By the time he disappears & she waits for two years, they are basically one heart.

By the time they reunite they are the cutest couple in the world.

I think a big issue people had with So-joon’s character was that "he didn’t love her" when they got married, but I think that wording is extremely misleading and not entirely accurate. Yes, I don’t think that at that point he could say "I love you" to her with sincerity, but it’s not like he flat out was disgusted by her or hated her…?? It was more like, he was not fully aware of what he was getting himself into, by getting married. Not just to her, but the concept of marriage and the commitments that come with it in the first place. That was what he was not on board with, which is how he may have come off as indifferent. But we all knew that Song Ma-rin would change him for the better because the ones with flawed intuition always get taught a good lesson or two from their loved ones.

DO U KNOW how MaNY times he was shirtless WITh HEr?????

I swear I think I counted properly, but they kissed like 9+ times and probably hugged like 15+ times like omfg I’m pretty sure that is a record

Can I also just mention that for me, when a couple wipes each other's tears, like when one of them actually takes their fingers and smushes the falling teardrops, that is just game set. To me, that solidifies their relationship as one where 1) they aren’t embarrassed to cry in front of each other 2) they care enough to show tender affection for each other 3) they sympathize together. And that is exactly what they did. MORE THAN ONCE excuse me.

The Plot

A lot of people complained about the various flaws within the actions of the characters and the mechanics of time-travelling. Honestly… like I mentioned earlier, since the OTP was so convincing to me, the holes in logic kinda flew past my head. Like, I didn’t dissect them too deeply because I was so distracted, or I just didn’t bother

Don’t you see that their progression only felt natural?? You start out with one side that is overconfident about the commitment as if he’s strolling through a park while the other is lovestruck, but always smart enough to know when bullshit is going on, and is never afraid to call the other out for it. It only took a matter of time for them to find real and genuine appreciation for each other, and it was worth it.

"WTF were you thinking moments" & justification:

So-joon letting Song Ma-rin go home by herself while Kim Young-jin was still lurking. Ok I have no solution to this like you honestly....DID YOU NOT LEARN FROM AHJUSSHI THAT YOU BASICALLY GOTTA STICK TO THE PERSON LIKE GUM IF YOU WANT THEM TO BE SAFE?? U HAVE TO HAVE THEM IN UR SIGHTS AT ALL TIMES.

So-joon getting onto subway and ultimately getting stabbed. Ok, he even said himself that he wanted to catch him with his own hands because if he doesn’t now, he'll get away and who knows how much more havoc he could wreak? The police would do no good being there blatantly, and so he had to hold out since he was the bait anyway. He just should’ve been smarter with defense, like c’mon man let’s not get cocky with your fighting skills now.

So-joon letting her run onto the street. Ok yes, he def should’ve reacted faster and realized what kinda danger she would be in after being aware of it for like 2 years aiya. But I assume it was a spur-of-the-moment, blinded happiness kinda thing. They were cute af and they were happy and like who really thinks that hard y’know???

So-joon just bracing himself and Ma-rin for the car crash. He was facing their deaths, I assume. Yes, they could’ve just jumped out of the way, but at the same time, he had already mentioned that he just wanted to enjoy the small moments they have together, instead of always trying to cheat and change fate. If they were meant to die in that moment, he was going to take it as is. (which is lightweight greedy bc wb marin???? but whateves lol).

I really do think that the story-line was extremely tightly woven to begin with. Even up until episode 16, we saw scenes from episode 1, and vice versa; everything fell into place perfectly and the details were down to each minute of their lives. Everything was very clearly thought out and i felt like they picked and pulled at certain pieces at the proper times and revealed others at the most crucial of times, too. Props to the writing team for creating such a complex & dynamic web of characters and events that spanned nearly 3 decades.

The Cinematography

Stunnnningggggg. Especially that iconic moment in episode 1 when he pulled her out of the path of an oncoming truck and talked to her for the first time, like the way the sunlight was hitting the camera, it was just something else I swear.

Overall, the colors were warm and fluffy, but the future def always looked more bleak and dry and dark.  Beautiful dualism with a strong impact.

Also can I just mention that when So-joon disappears, it’s also very mystifying, the fast wisps are quite a touch.

Also ngl the couple themself was extremely aesthetic; like they are both very attractive people & when attractive people cuddle a part of you kinda just dies inside, y’know??

The Emotions

Ok I admit that my reactions were probably overboard because I was so attached

but straight up this is the kind of drama my heart was searching for.

I always love it so so so so much, (although realistically speaking, it’s only fantasy ones that can pull this off w/o it being some noble idiocy shit) when the force that is keeping a couple apart is a force that is greater than themselves. It’s more than them just choosing to not be together. It’s them wanting so desperately to be together, but circumstances, in the best kind, life and death ones, prevent them from doing so. The reason I like these kind of situations so much is seriously because that’s where all the love comes out. The pain of love.

It was so so so soooooo excruciatingly painful to watch So-joon and Ma-rin's future unfold the exact way he saw it would. It tore me to pieces because I could feel Ki-doong's hopelessness from losing his best friend to a murderer, Ma-rin's deathly painful heartbreak from simply NOT knowing what in the world is going on or what will happen (and for her dad to tell her to move on), but just having to wait, and So-joon's very own inability to fix it all. Oh dear lord watching him visit her grave in the future where she no longer exists, that shattered my sanity because it hurt so much.

I literally cried in the smallest of moments. When he disappeared in front of her eyes, I burst into tears along with her because her crying was so beautiful (yes, actually tho), but at the same time, I felt it deep down inside. It felt trivial, to cry over that one moment, but it also meant so much more than that. It represented a real fear of losing your loved one, and o dear lord i can’t.

Like I said, the heartbreak was everything I’ve been wanting. It felt so raw. In those moments where even he cried because he was so scared for the future (after eating in the tent with ahjusshi, calling ahjusshi on the phone in the cafe, reading her letters sent to him from her past self), knowing how much was on the line, and how much he just wanted it to be okay, it hurt so much because I had so much hope along with him. I honestly didn’t expect them to allow their future to play out the exact way he saw it; I rly thought that they’d pull some plot twists because that’s what dramas do......... and so when everything really did unfold painfully, my heart was unprepared and it tore apart. Even though I knew that they would be together in the end no matter what, I didn’t know how, and everything still hurt like fking crazy.

I know a drama does it right when I can feel the pain physically in my own chest. When it suddenly feels so heavy and ache-y that I kinda wanna give up in life a little bit. That's when a drama pulled the right strings & carved a good-sized void in my heart.

The Special Connections

I, tbh only decided to watch this because I found out that Kim Feel, my eternally favorite musician, sang an OST for it, and I was feeling extra down from his military enlistment. What a beautiful gem he brought me to. When his voice played at the still frames in the ends of some episodes, my heart filled with this indescribable sort of happiness and longing.

The "seoul station" that So-joon refers to is actually called Si-cheong station, one I manage to catch a geofilter for back when I was in Korea!!!!!!!!!!! It was an exciting discovery, to find out that the exact route So-joon takes back and forth is one that I have traveled on myself.

Idk if this really has to do with anything, but the director also directed Oh My Ghostess and King of High School, so everyone kept saying that this drama would be a rom com BUT BOY WAS THAT SHIT DARK AS F*CK IDK WHAT Y’ALL HAD IN MIND BUT like, no no, no, that was nowhere close to the other 2 dramas he made. It was a beautiful change of atmosphere nonetheless.

The Message

The fact that Ma-rin is a photographer speaks volumes. For a man who is infatuated with the future and has lost focus of the present, just one photograph can speak volumes. A photograph captures the present and instills a moment in time. For Marin, this is what her life's work depended on; this is what she lived by. Capturing the present and cherishing individual seconds in time. And for So-joon, this is exactly the kind of person he needed to save him from himself and his future selves. So so so beautifully laid out.

Even just the ending line: "today". Like akjfkjdagkahkgdhlanjak, if you don’t get the message from this then you are just... idk wtf you’ve been watching LOL. Granted, the drama is called "Tomorrow With You", but clearly that is not what they are tryna get at. That was the theme throughout the entirety of the drama with So-joon being an apprehensive wuss, but the reality of it is to face the present, and live for a today with you. Love love love <3

Favorite Moments

When he asks "So... do you like me?" and she replies "Was there ever a time when I didn't????" LIKE IDK something about the trivial-ness of both statements yet how deep they hit home.... like obviously, they like each other or else they wouldn’t have gotten so far. But the fact that he had a need to reiterate that, and the fact that she was like "dude have I not made myself clear how much I like u" like that is just so adorably cute and squishy goals to me omggg.

When she sniffs him as they walk home from dinner and giggles and says "Hehehe husband smell" OMG WHY R THEY SO FREAKING CUTE I JUST--.

When he disappeared right before her eyes, it shattered everything in me.

When he grabbed her and saved her from the accident, it was one 2-sec move that altered entire lifetimes, for better or for worse. It was beautifully shot, despite it being an extremely cliche move. It’s okay. It was gorgeous and it’s def my favorite wrist grab to date LOL.

When he started crying because he saw the car accident on the news and he legit was dropping tears, but she laughed it off and hugged him and her smile was so sweet and innocent but he’s legit in agony and it was just so cute and heartbreaking at the same time LIKE HONESTLY that phrase is what describes this drama in a nutshell. Heartbreakingly beautiful.

Despite its flaws, this drama was honestly what I’ve been looking for so so so long. It’s definitely not my number 1 because there were things it could’ve done better, and each episode did not stand out like a number 1 drama should have, but it definitely tore me to pieces, out of joy AND despair. I loved it to bits and I will never forget this gorgeous couple and their journey that transcended time.

[imreszekeres]

for the anon that wanted all 100

1. Name- Ash! 2. Age- 18 3. City that you live in- fear, usually 4. What do most people not know about you?- nothing really, i compulsively release useless information about myself 5. What do most people know you for?- being fat and annoying 6. Hobbies- makeup, youtubers, sleeping, writing, drawing 7. What are your passions?- writing 8. What do you search for in a significant other?- i really Really need to be understood, and someone who is patient is nice too 7. What are you most proud of?- I hav gone to State and gotten within the top 10% in my Journalism competitions, which puts me in the top .08% of all high school students in my state. :-) im good for some things 8. When was the last time you had a significant conversation with someone you love?- every day when I talk to @pizzasteveofficial <3 all our conversations are significant 2 me 9. Have you ever collected anything? What was it?- I collect my tears in a jar and store them, then shower in them every night 10. List 10 things off of your bucket list.- I want to get married in the snow, have a daughter, get a Heartagram tattoo (at least one lol), write a successful book, and.. idk what else :0 11. What was the last thing you learned?- jesus I dont know, you learn sth new every day! hard to remember 12. How many relationships have you been in?- um.. 7 I think i feel like im forgetting one tho. I wont name them obvi but i think im forgetting one? i feel like ive been in 8 oh well 13. Turn ons- validation 14. Turn offs- being alive 15. Favorite food- frozen yogurt! I like the vanilla or white chocolate flavor with looots of toppings 16. Favorite drink- Coke 17. What is the best birthday gift you have ever received?- i dont really know! I dont remember a lot of my birthdays for trauma reasons so  18. Are you optimistic or pessimistic?- pessimistic by far lol 19. Do you sleep during class?- its happened a handful of times, I try not to bc I HATE missing work its annoying 20. What is the most expensive thing you own?- myself?? jk its my laptop 21. What is the cheapest yet most useful thing you own?- a 1 dollar ELF blending brush. yall those things are bomb please go buy some! 22. How many times a day on average do you check your phone?- that number does not exist holy shit  23. Text or call?- TEXT BLEASE I HAVE SUCH BAD HEARING 24. Opinion on long distance?- it can work! ive done it a lot of times. distance has never been whats broken a relationship for me, not directly anyway 25. What is your definition of success?- success is when you’re happy. you do not have many worries, not the kind that keep you awake at night or make your tummy sick anyway. You have people that love you and, if you died, you’d be remembered as a good bean 26. Favorite song?- right now im really diggin “Hate (I Really Dont Like You)” by the plain white Ts 27. Favorite artist?- HIM!!!!!!!!!!!! <3 28. Celebrity crush/crushes?- Ville Valo ALWAYS lmao hes my god 29. When was the last time you read for fun?- like last month 30. Favorite flower?- roses 31. What is the best gift you could receive right now?- a plane ticket to Connecticut and like 1000 dollars 32. Any guilty pleasures?- pop... music... BUT LIKE THE GOOD KIND U FEEL? I DONT LIKE STUFF FROM THE LAST 2 OR 3 YEARs...  33. What is one thing you would like to change about yourself?- my weight, and that sounds so shallow but it. is taking a toll on me. 34. What do you search for in a friend?- someone who is like me! 35. How many times have you said "I love you" in the past month?- not enough 36. Where did you last go other than your room/home?- school.. 37. Why do bad things happen to good people?- because life isnt fair 38. In your opinion, what hurts more? Being left out or being stabbed in the eye?- what the fuck being stabbed in the eye have you ever been stabbed in the fucking eye? because i havent and i can already tell you that if my friends were talking without me and then someone stabbed me in the fuCKING EYE I WOULD BE JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE PREOCCUPIED WITH BEING STABBED IN THE E Y E  39. How many green shirts do you own?- none lol 40. Do you like anime?- sure! I dont watch it rn but i dont watch anything rn, haha 41. What do you invest the most time in?- sleeping,, 42. What was the name of the last book you read?- Rebecca :3 very gud book 43. What's the difference between loving and liking someone?- when ur main squeeze gets a hair cut and u still wanna suck their dingus u love em, thats it sorry i dont make the rules 44. Where are you most productive?- i dont.. know what this is asking lol I’m most protective over my romantic partners. As much as I’d love to say im most protective over Sarah, nothing compares to how “troll guarding his treasure” i am w/my loves.......... *eyes @my crush* 45. List 3 things you enjoy doing with friends.- talking shit abt rude ppl, playing vidya gaem, and talking abt life 46. List 3 things you enjoy doing alone.- watching makeup tutorials, watching lets plays, and thinking about everything and anything 47. Do you believe world peace will ever exist?- absolutely not. theres too many people on the earth to achieve that 48. Do you have any allergies?- Not to anything specific but i get them really often seasonally. i get them pretty much every time the weather changes :( 49. When was the last time you cussed at someone?- i mean.. every day of my life so like 50. What was the last promise you made?- idek dude 51. What was your last dream about?- IT WAS SO WEIRD IT WAS ABOUT MY CRUSH’S MOM? I DREAMT THAT SHE WAS A DEMON WHO STORED HER EGGS IN LITTLE PORCELAIN JARS AND THAT MY CRUSH HAD AN EAR INFECTION AND WE WERE IN A SNOWY VILLAGE IDK DONT ASK ME its weird bc my crushs mom is so sweet... 52. If you won a trip to Hawaii and you could take 5 people with you, who would those 5 people be?- i would literally only take Sarah bc i hate everyone 53. How many countries have you visited?- ive never been outside the US 54. What is your favorite medium of art? (Music, dance, painting, etc.)- writing :-) 56. When was the last time somebody complimented you?- those nice anons i got yesterday/the other day! 56. If you switched bodies with someone, how would you recognize yourself?- what do u even mean? youd know bc youd be like THIS ISNT MY BODY 57. Do you consider yourself mature?- kind of, yes 58. How many days in your life do you think you have wasted on tumblr?- too fuckin many 59. What is your favorite quote?- “Worship Satan!” -Ville Valo (no but rly any HIM lyric is my favorite quote, theyre so beautiful,,,) 60. If you started a new religion and you had to create 3 rules or commandments for your new followers to live by, what would those 3 rules be?- dont hurt ppl unless they hurt u, dont touch ppl unless they want u to, and respect gender/sexuality 61. What is your greatest accomplishment?- going 2 state! 62. Do you believe in the death penalty?- yeah i actually think it should b used more lol, kill all rapists and p*dophiles :-) 63. What are your goals for life?- i just wanna b happy, man 64. What do you think your soulmate is doing right now?- being a fucking idiot, probably 65. If you could live anywhere, where would you live? The place can be in an imaginary, fantasy, or the real world.- CALIFORNIA LMAO IM SUCH A SUCKER FOR CALIFORNIA AND I NEVER EVEN BEEN THERE 66. What were you like in 2013?- awful but also really sweet... then again i wasnt TECHNICALLY the host so lol  67. Do you have a job?- no :( i cant drive 68. Tell us a story about your childhood best friend.- she was an abusive bitch who took out her parents hating her on me the end 69. If you could change one thing about society, what would it be?- i would make discrimination a way more serious crime than it is taken for rn. ppl who discriminate should b put in jail 70. How many all-nighters have you pulled before?- just one when i had to install the sims and it took 6 years 71. Is tumblr your favorite website? If not, then what is your favorite website?- my fave website is youtube 72. What is the craziest thing you would do for a million dollars?- suck a dick, i guess 73. Does money equal happiness?- not all the time but it sure can 74. How many times have you experienced true happiness in your lifetime?- never, i dont think 75. How many times have you experienced true sadness in your lifetime?- too many times 76. What is the funniest joke you have ever been told?- you know that joke abt the blind man at the beginning of Crazy Rap? yeah thats fucking HILARIOUS  77. When was the last time you looked at the news?- this morn :0 78. If you could say one thing to the world, what would you say?- im gay 79. What is your favorite animal?- RACCOONS!!!!!!!!!!!! 80. If you could earn a million dollars by pretending to be dead for 3 years, would you do it?- i mean sure lmao nobody would b upset about it so 81. What is one thing that everyone is bad at?- being a human. 82. What time do you normally sleep? How many hours of sleep do you usually get?- i usually go to bed at 10 and get like 6 or 7 hours 83. Does age necessarily equal maturity?- not at all! 84. What is your favorite clothing store?- hot topic lol 85. In the winter- beanies or gloves?- gloves b 86. Would you rather have wings or a fish tail?- wings?? why would i want a fish tail 87. If you had the power to erase one person from the world so that nobody remembered him or her except you, would you do it?- absofuckinglutely.  88. What do you fear the most?- being like my rapist. thats a little too deep than i like to go but im being honest, thats literally my biggest fear Ever 89. How many digits of pi can you recite?- 3.14 lmfao i hate math 90. If you could travel back to one year and relive it again, which year would it be?- 2004. I would stop it before it happened. :-( 91. Describe yourself in one word.- stupid 92. Describe your last victory.- i woke up today w/o killin meself 93. What is the weirdest thing you have ever seen?- bendytoots cucumberpitch’s face 94. What is something you will never forget?- prom.. something rly nice happened 95. Would you rather forget all of the past or remember everything in vivid detail?- forget everything. please 96. Have you ever broken a bone before?- nope! 97. Is it harder to love or to hate somebody?- probably harder to love them lol 98. Coffee or tea?- coffer 99. What are some little things that you do that have changed your life in a positive way?- I dont overdose on a constant basis in a BPD-fueled rage any more so thats good 100. How many hours have you spend on tumblr today?- probably 1 or 2?

[misterbitches]

Im not intelligent at all. In the conventional sense. The ramblings of a girl who just has sooo much going in in her head it's constant. But im not a genius. Or that confusing.

It just sounds like I am bc fandoms have this issue where they can JUSTSO point out the issues in soletiing. They can pick and prod and go oh problematic! But then you go to name the problems and the difficulties within society like for ex: the idea of representation in general. Salivating over it. How fucking sad that is. How we are trained to accept it. So in a BL and also RACE in the bl genre they exploit viewers naivete both domestically and internationally. Ive seen tons of people liken being asian to being a person of color. However, in their predominantly homogenous society (or intentionally publically homogenous society), they are not "poc" (also name the of color; i dont use bipoc idc if u do but it's called being asian guys cos yall aint talkin about black ppl lmao)

They as humans seeing other humans who look like them everywhere, engage with the world differently than an american in asia or asians living outside of their home country (like bae doo nanwhen she worksnin the US is not the same as the bae doo nanworking on a korean program) I dont complain about it in everything i see bc ppl say it ALL THE TIME. but it is NOT the same. Being a person of color is very distinctly an american concept. This is all stuff people will get to know on their own if they choose to dig more.

I do my best to underline what my ugly little eyes process. How i figure things out as a black female american artist too! Im hard on shit cos i should be. I take it seriously. And even if i dont take it seriously bc THEY dont then thats their problem.

I know this is a complaint that I am not alone in. I know it's the internet. I just don't get how people can write really heavy analysis but they refuse to actually probe the underlying issues. Not everyone is me, or like my friends, but if there's way fewer people talking about this stuff it seems absolutely glaring when theres few people engaging in the way i do. It seems like im the glitch but I am thinking just as much just differently.

I really loved where your eyes linger but there was little deep class analysis. I remember few convos a bout it. I know a lot about korea (sigh being a black ex kpop fan lol mess) and i love the history but all ofnit matters! Korea's relation to labor!

People bringing up thai actors snd actresses leaving the industry and doing acting as something quick. As an artist~ who went to film school with insanely wealthy ppl and isnin tons of debt you have to understand how shitty that is. People have monetary access and they just fucking do whatever just because they want to. Meanwhile you have young people being coerced into this bullshit mainstream life to LITERALY just make money bc they dont come from a rich background. The wealth gap in thailand is BAD, theres a dictatorship, they had a fucking coup. The governments like here do not respect their people. Their marginalized groups. Trans thai women, black thai ppl, poor thai ppl. And it LITERALLY CANNOT DO ANYTHING EFFECTIVELY IN CAPITALISM. No nothing can be perfect but if it's going into our eyeballs and we can view the worlld critically then why the fuck not!???

I dont say the things i see are wrong always. I reply when i think i need to. I try and engage with others but not to kuch avail. I just want to rb stuff and tdhink lajfhhdjwhjej.

But like yea theres a lot of just wrong or misguided stuff. A lot of the times it is just historical inaccuracy in framing or idk. A refusal to think outside the box. I dont care. Theres more to life than just sort of looking and not thinking especially for othrr artists.

Idk im sorry. I dont see how i can change how i view things. I really wish people would expand their palettes too and go deeper into other means of art from places! Things not in the mainstream! Theres a lot of good thai artists and a lot of them critical as fuck about their country as they should be. Authority, austerity, patriarchy, capital, racism etc like that is central to a power thats interested in growing gains and fiscal and social power. Theres rly radical or left leaning etc ppl out there in the world and these countries in these communities. So they exist. No people in these countries dont have NO clue whats going on. Cultural relativism is alsos something people should understand. I had a good talk with ppl on here a while ago about that. Talking about shit, critiquing, but being respectful to a group. Part of thay is realizing these groups CLEARLY know their own issues and all our cultures share the same goal. Guess what it is. It rhymes with acquiring wealth. Money means you hurt people. In the post, we talked about use of "wife" and "husband" which is a stupid joke that has been "explained" a billion times and yet the explanations still dont seem to answer or justify a minor problem (it's very funny to me that a language that doesnt have gendered pronouns is now very specific about two men. Hmmm wonder why. It is annoying.)

So im not the only person on the planet doing this. Or the few ppl ive seen that do. Im not new my thoughts arent new. Ive gotten to see another side to a culture i knew not much about and that means i can put the context of my beliefs and life and try and understand thheirs. For ex i learned from ITSAY because of a sign that said 'french food' that they were the only country to not be colonized back then. Do you know how integral that history is to their region? That was an interesting detail (i didnt finish itsay bc ihad a lot going on and i was rly upset that i would see hownrich they are and i hate that.)

Anyways thats my complaint. It used to feel like a sting of rejection. I left online for months in 2019, i started organizing more, joined a union, trying to do some panther work shit like that. I learned a lot in those months and it changed my life! But when I came back, I felt so isolated. It wasnt my true friends tho sometimes theyre ANNOYINGGGGG (love u) but it was me being like "if we are going to complain guys then lets put our money where our mouth is" lets be fucking serious about it then. No say it with your chest dude. It isnt difficult. Go with the fucking flow, talk about it, critique it, think. You can still fucking like itnor love it.

I am BLACK ok and i love rap. I am a black woman. I will continue to clown black men that cant seem to not clown themselves and listen. No i wont support monetarily: drake is a creep and i hate him but i bump that niggas song. Thats fucking LIFE. I got so sick of hiding myself and it became clear that it wasnt that i wasntthinking well or hard enough. They just didnt like that i said we need to commit class suicide and inspect out middle class sensibilities and middle class wealth hoarding (google it) if thats what we engaged with. Every part of you, antagonize it. I still have my privileges; class, skin color, even my father being a nigerian immigrant, me being cis, im not str8 but not a lesbian and those are differences.

Insecurities in general but some shallow thoughts (?) on discussion in "fandom" space. FYI, this will most likely stay the same. I tend to stay in my own bubble socially IE me and my friends are similar in our views. During this awful year while running my union's account, im surrounded by like minds. Me and my friends? We changed together. We grew up and saw what we didnt like and what we want. We do our best.And i CHOOSE my life to be that way bc it should be. There is no solution. I dont believe in solutions because the solution is to abolish capital or just divest. Abolishing capital and labor are a huge one and i will die before that happens (but so help me as long as im alive? Black women to FREEDOMMMM is my motto!) so making your own path in life is the best thing an artist can do IN MY OPINION.

However with technology and stuff this puts another layer onto things. Tech, social media, this shit....it THRIIIIIIIVESSSSSSS off of conflict and shallow readings of the world. We are literally primed for it. Engagement in bites. Impossible for me with my brain; i got used to it and i paid for it by limiting my scope. Not being encouraged to THINK AND READ before just speaking

(For ex i am in iww, i helped form a branch here. It is a radical union. Unionism is imprative to me-if ur interested u should read up on some. Look up peter cole! Google inthesetimes Ilwu. Gives you some understanding. Ive always been progressive and now i am....very left idk ic ant label myself. But even in my progrssiveness i had the gall to tell my white friend, whoa has her privileges but i had mine with our class disparity, that we dont need unions, i have WORKED retail. Ive done barista work for sonoing and i do gig work. So i wasnt out of touch. I had been stiffed even with a shoot i was working on by rich kids. So i had a frame of reference . But i didnt know what the FUCKa union was and why it is imperative. Then learning about anarcho syndicalism and all these other things. It changed my fucking life but two years earlier i was this idiot spouting shit like that making one of my best friends fucking upset. We DO AND CAN CHANGE. Think!!!!)

So were i a creator for tv id just constantly try and push the buttons if i need big money. Make them sell into me (thank you sonic youth!) theres Endless possibilities guys which means theres SO MUCH TK EXPLORE!!!! When i wanna have fun with it i just have fun. When i want to think i do. I dont understand why we are so dedicated to upholding things and doing mental gymnastics to end up in a space you dont need mental gymnastics for. What about these critiques makes you uncomfortable? Saying we're all part of the problem as spectators? Im sorry but we will always be. Thats LIFE. God fuck. Fuck me. I feel so fucking worthless and stupid sometimes. I know I am not. I know i am talented and intelligent. I know my friends and family. I know how to approach ppl. I know how to tell people if they are rich but want to be progressive whatsup. I choose how i live part of that is being ok to say what i want.

Ironically consrrvatives say this shit alot. But they arent ever alone bc their ideology is default. But yea it does feel shitty. It even feels shitty when ur in left circles but people STILL dont even wanna do that. These perspectives really arent ss many as they should be. I dont want to feel so alone with it. I know there are more. I just love art and the world so fucking much, endless possibility. Endless pain but endless good.