#but yeah. both of them would sacrifice anything for their family. they just consider different people family

[kirnet]

Part of the reason I love Appalachian w.yhaven is bc 1) yes, all the mythos you can fit in such an ancient historied place, but 2) you can really get into themes of classism if you wanted

Like yeah the town in text is described as having a lot of rich neighborhoods, and class isn’t really described all that much. But if the mayor has money bc his family owns all the coal mines? If most of the people in town either a) work back breaking work in said mines or b) are struggling because of the closure of said mines? It makes the community all the more tight knit. They look out for each other because no one else will. And it makes the resentment for the mayor all the more real.

Rebecca probably owns a high end house in a nice part of town. She could have Nannies come and raise tea. But the actual people téa spent time with are the people of the town, the school teachers and classmates and workers. She identifies with them over everything. They are the family that raised her.

Tea resents the mayor bc she has to grovel to get funding for the station, but she knows that it should do to the entire town. She resents Rebecca for coming in whenever she wants with all of her resources and funding and expensive suits and making friends with the mayor while the town has to suffer and work.

[ashtraythief]

Ok last question. If I had to ask: who do you think loved the other more. Sam or Dean? Or who was more devoted? I think our gut reaction says Dean since Sam was the one that wanted out, and Dean sold his soul for him, but Sam does go absolutely mad after the deal and would have basically done anything for Dean to keep them together, so I don’t know. I guess I’m drawn to Dean because I think if Sam were the one to die in the finale… I just wouldn’t be able to stomach that ending, them doing that to Dean, making him live without his little brother. So I guess him? What do you think?

Hmmm yeah. I think this is a very old question, and people much smarter than I have said something along these line, but. SInce you asked. I don’t think one loves the other more than the other. I mean, how do you quantify love anyway, on that level? Especially in two people who love each other so much. I think they act differently based on their love because they are so different. If you look at the early season, both of them do insane things for each other which continues through to season ten when it comes to murder and sacrifice. There’s the established meta that Dean sacrifices himself to save Sam and Sam sacrifices everything else to save Dean, i.e. Dean will kill himself for Sam and Sam will kill everyone else for Dean. Which holds up in a lot of instances. There are exceptions, like when Sam wants to make a crossroads deal at the beginning of season 4 and trade places with Dean, but he’s also very desperate and very drunk and as soon as a Dean-look-and-act-alike Ruby drags him out of his depression with sex and drugs, he goes back to killing. But I don’t think that that shows a different intensity of love, just a different way of acting based on that love. And Sam, even though he left the family and was away for over three years (there is the line in the pilot that they haven’t seen each other for two years, which Kipke has said was a writing error, but if we take it as canon it means at least once while Sam was at Stanford Dean showed up there (because he said “in almost two years, I haven’t bothered you or asked for anything,” implying he did so two years ago)), it only takes Sam twelve episodes to bring Dean to a faith healer without considering any of the consequences or implications and get his brother healed above anyone else in attendance. The single mindedness with which he pushed Dean into the front row, never even doubting that Dean wouldn’t be chosen, because how could he not? Next to Sam’s desperation, let’s not forget his conviction it would work, which has to be built on utter love and devotion, both seeing Dean as hero who would naturaly be chosen and saved and being unable to process a scenario in which he actually dies. And yeah, early seasons Sam prayed and presumably had faith, so why not believe in a good faith healer, but let’s be real, he wasn’t that broken up about the price of Dean’s life. And he was just fucking feral when Dean’s life was threatened. Hell, just the episode before, in Scarecrow, he gave up finding dad and getting leads on Jessica’s killer to save Dean’s life because he was in danger. Considering how little time it took Sam to fall back into this pattern, I don’t think he ever left it. Just because Sam left doesn’t mean his love ever diminished. Maybe he was able to push it back, think about Dean less, but I believe that there was always a part in his heart aching for Dean. 

More ramblings under the cut.

The rest of the show is pretty obvious, both of them go insane when the other is threatened, murder and sacrifice and make deals to save their brother or get them back, work with shady angels and shady witches, lie to each other to keep the other alive. It settles in season 11 and they start backing each other's plays and do the whole domestic thing, but they don't love each other less. They're just less insane about it. I mean, obviously, Dean is still willing to risk death to bring Sam back in Red Meat, but Sam accepts letting Dean be the soulbomb at the end of season 11 (that's how that went, right? I'm hazy on late season details). There's of course also the whole Dean in the box thing because of Michael, where Dean was willing to make the self-sacrifice but knew he couldn't if his brother didn't want it. Insanity? Probably. But hey, they're happily loving each other once the decision is made lol.

As for the devotion, I think Dean is maybe more devoted simply because he had to fill the caretaker role when he was younger, but then how do you seperate that kind of intense, twisted, codependent love from devotion? I'd say that it is just part of their love. You do have more moments, where Dean says he wants the happy apple pie life for Sam, where he says I'm a hunter, I will live and die a hunter, but you have a chance to get out and get happiness, never really accepting that Sam's happiness is with Dean. Dean always thinks Sam could do better and Sam just wants Dean. Despite everything, they chose each other, again and again. But I think this is why Dean sends Sam out to have a normal life when he dies and it's why Sam appears on the bridge in his pilot clothes to show Dean that his heaven was always with Dean.

As for would Dean have survived Sam if Sam had died in Carry On… probably not. Then again, after Swan Song, when Dean’s ready to die with Sam, Sam tells him to go to Lisa. Orders him to get the apple pie life. And when Dean survives his initial attempt to die with Sam in Stull Cemetery, Dean goes to Lisa. He’s a mess (even though, let’s be real, Dean as a mess is still a better man than most, clearly evident by the love Lisa and Ben have for him and Lisa later being able to dump him when he hurts Ben indicating he’s never really done anything dump-worthy in the year before soulless Sam came for him), but Dean soldiers on because Sam asked him to. In the same way Dean asks Sam to soldier on when Dean dies in Carry On. Both are moments of letting the other one go and getting tasked to be happy. And both of them succeed in a very superficial way. Don’t get me wrong, I think Dean loved Lisa and Ben, and Sam loved Dean Jr., and both had happy moments, but they were both waiting to see the other again. Dean was so ready to go back on the road with Sam in s6 and Sam sat in the Impala and fucking grieved twenty years later like it was yesterday he buried his brother. His room was a shrine for his family and his brother, he wore Dean’s clunky watch until he died. The Carry On Sam grief montage leaves a lot of room to interpretation, but there is absolutely nothing that counter indicates the reason that Sam was grieving like a widower and the only thing that gave him joy was giving Dean 2.0 the life Dean 1.0 never got to enjoy. And the moment Sam dies, the moment he’s on that bridge, he’s wearing pilot clothes and telling Dean without any words that it’s always been him. If it had been the other way round, and Sam had ordered Dean to go find happiness, could Dean have done it? Probably not. Not because he wouldn't want to honor Sam's wish or because he wasn't strong enough, but because he'd already done it once. He lived without Sam for a year, had a great girlfriend, a great kid, and yet, it was nothing compared to the dangerous, exhausting but also rewarding life of hunting with Sam. Facing the worst danger in the world with Sam. Being exhausted and run down with Sam. Being hurt with Sam. Saving people, hunting things. With Sam. So if Sam were impaled in that barn and told Dean to go for the apple pie life, I think Dean would have told Sam to go screw himself, he'd already done it once, he was good with his life now, all he ever wanted, I love you so much my baby brother, I'm so proud of you, of us, and there's nothing else I ever wanted. I won't stop hunting, but you'll see me soon and I don't want you to be sad about it because I won't be, and Sam would say okay. Okay, Dean. And they'd meet on that bridge again.

So no, I don’t think one loved the other more or less. I think, like so many things about them, their love is shared. One. Their soul-mate-ism, if you will. They just act differently upon that love, but ultimately, it’s the guiding force in both of their lives.

[imagineitdearies-old]

feel like I was missing smth with duty and sacrifice, everybody mad at Lucerys for wanting to fuck Jace but i didn’t read it in that way, was that the intention? like I saw the lust part as him reacting to Aemond but not Jace.

I see both sides being pissed at the greens vs the blacks , but alicent and aemond would’ve tried to hide Aemond’s designation if they could’ve. Their society is sexist to omegas, ofc they would hide it, jacerys already has the bastard allegations, him being an omega would actually ruin him, plus internalized (omega misogyny? idk). When he attacked Aemond i thought it was to get him off Lucerys, he was still being choked right? Idk I just didn’t read either strong having feelings for each other.

Neither Luke or Aemond fully trust each other, yeah they feel love/lust but it’s nothing without trust. Maybe get them away from their families (except Helaena ofc) as well because clearly this situation is worsened by both sides.

AEMOND USS YOUR WORDS AND LUCERYS START TALKING AND CHASING!!!

Ah yes, I noticed that in the comment section as well!

I'll say this--it's pretty common a/b/o lore that a heat works like an aphrodisiac for any surrounding alphas, especially the more the alpha is already attracted to the omega normally. The severity differs depending on the fanfic. Usually the effect is null when the alpha and omega are related--but considering Targcest in HOTD, I decided to forego this exception.

Now, Lucerys looked a bit flushed when Aemond first entered the room--did he have a hard-on before he got closer to Aemond though (quickly going into pre-heat)?? Aemond assumes yes, and I don't blame readers for not trusting Luke's intentions/also assuming the worst right now.

But even if Luke did have a hard-on solely from Jace's heat, I'd consider Luke's actions and reactions to be an important follow-up indicator. Did he say/do anything suspicious? Did he seem tempted at any point by Jace's body/smell/words? Was there lust in his eyes? Aemond doesn't look for these indicators, he's upset enough to jump to conclusions---and since we're in his head, it makes sense that readers may as well.

Yes, Jace jumped onto Aemond because he was choking Luke, and giving him a handjob he clearly had mixed feelings about.

As for Greens vs. Blacks: The Strongs aren't bastards in this AU, but you're right that omegas can't inherit. If it was known that Jace was an omega, Harrenhal would pass to Joffrey instead (unless he presented as an omega as well, then it'd be Larys Strong). If Alicent had the option to hide Aemond or another child as a beta, I'm sure she would have considered it--though likely decide against it both for religious reasons and because of how under scrutiny royalty always are in the Red Keep. Better to have as little secrets as possible for others to use against you.

Aemond and Luke definitely need to develop trust, you're right. They're both toxically ingratiated into doing what is best for their families instead of themselves/each other. They're both mamas' boys, but it's time to leave the nest 😂 Aemond shouting at Rhaenyra and confronting Luke was his first real step out from Alicent's wing. Time for Luke to do the same!! (And talk to each other FOR SURE.)

Thanks for this ask anon, hopefully that all makes sense!!

[tristinai]

Wow, thank you for leaving such a detailed comment! I'm gonna try and get to some of this here (under a cut):

The title for this part was different up until the moment I posted the fic. I usually pick a song lyric for the title of the draft and sometimes, that lyric remains the title. In this case, I changed the fic title from the lyric to the overall tone of this part. So I'm glad you like the title as I usually struggle to write titles and summaries for my writing XD (hence why I choose a lyric from a song that is basically the theme of the story while doing the draft lol).

Bi Han was a last second addition to the fic, believe it or not! In my original idea, he was never supposed to make an actual appearance but since I had established Johnny being attracted to Bi Han, I thought it would be good for readers to get a sense of their dynamic. And damn, Johnshi fandom, a lot of ya'll are just as thirsty for ColdStar/Johnhan XD. The brothers were fun to write and I broke it down to bad boy Bi Han, overprotective/loyal Kuai Liang, and cinnamon roll/peacekeeper Tomas and I built their characterizations up from that. I'm not sure if I demonstrated the difference between Kuai Liang and Kenshi's overprotectiveness but Kuai Liang's comes from his loyalty to friends/family while Kenshi's overprotectiveness is a lot more selfish: anything he deems as HIS, he will not share and he will cut a bitch if you harm/touch his things. It made that fight scene more intense to write because Kuai Liang is thinking, "I must protect Johnny and Tomas from this yakuza who harmed my other brother" while Kenshi is thinking, "This fucker touched MY Johnny, he's about to get a world of hurt". That was where my head went while writing that XD

Ooh, yeah, the reason why I went more into detail with Johnny alone in the hotel room was because Johnny's got all these conflicting things going on in his head. He's got a card key for the hotel, his shit all over the counter space (and yes, clothes all over Kenshi's room, too XD) and it's like he's living there already while his brain is telling him, "You're in too deep, Kenshi's involved with dangerous people, you shouldn't be here". But that's kind of the wild thing about love: people give so much of themselves to someone who might be terrible for them but when you keep giving away so many pieces of yourself, what's left? It's touched on in the series that Johnny struggles with the public and private aspects of himself. To him, it feels like it's not a choice between Cris or Kenshi but Johnny Cage or Kenshi: does he continue to cling to the public persona in the hopes of someday regaining A-lister fame? Or does he give in to that side of himself he keeps private, that loves Kenshi, in order to be with Kenshi (and potentially sacrifice fame for love)? I think if Johnny chose Johnny Cage (fame), it would mean spending potentially more decades suppressing who he is and who he can love and I think it would eventually have a toll on him.

As for the main narrative tension (that delicious, tasty jealousy), in the original outline, it was supposed to be jealous Kenshi "reminding" Johnny who owns his ass (XD) but it really became all about Johnny. And damn, once the kitten's claws were out, Johnny was ready to dish it. There was a lot of conflict to balance: Kenshi's resentment at being 'the other man', Johnny's impatience with Kenshi for giving him the cold shoulder all night, Kenshi's jealousy, Johnny's hypocrisy at wanting Kenshi for himself while not giving Kenshi the same, Kenshi feeling ignored all night by Johnny, Johnny feeling like Kenshi is not trying to get along with his friends, etc. Add Kenshi's short fuse and Johnny's stubbornness to push back when being shoved into a corner, and it was a disaster waiting to happen. I will say that the way the two fight may or may have been based on my own personal experiences sweat but I tried to consider both characters' perspectives and what specifically about the other was setting them off. I honestly expected more readers to be upset with how mean I made Johnny because Johnny said some really rude shit but all of it came from a very real place of hurt and sometimes, when we're hurt and overwhelmed, we say pretty terrible stuff. I think how we react after an argument is more important and that's why the makeup scene was important: both of them realize they hurt each other and acknowledged that.

I really liked framing Johnny and Kenshi as being from "different worlds": Johnny's in the limelight while Kenshi's in the shadows. Johnny's the first person you notice when you walk into a room and Kenshi is someone who blends into the background, who doesn't want to be seen. And that's not even touching on how their different language, culture, and personality can make them seem like strange bedfellows, even in the game. It can honestly be what brings them together, the fact that their differences can balance them, or drive them apart. I guess only I know how that will turn out atm XD

Thanks for reading and commenting! My brain is super tired so I apologize if anything I mentioned up here doesn't make sense lol.

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Mortal Kombat (Video Games) Rating: Explicit Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Johnny Cage/Takahashi Kenshi Characters: Johnny Cage, Takahashi Kenshi, Tomas Vrbada | Smoke, Kuai Liang | Scorpion, Kung Lao, Raiden (Mortal Kombat), Bi-Han | Sub-Zero, Original Female Character(s), Original Male Character(s) Additional Tags: Johnshi, Organized Crime, Yakuza, Attempted Murder, Infidelity, Wound Cleaning, Recreational Drug Use, Substance Abuse, Angst and Smut, Jealousy, Possessive Behavior, Possessive Sex, Anal Sex, Anal Fingering, Angry Sex, Bathroom Sex, Barebacking, Praise Kink, Karaoke, Drinking, Drinking Games, Top!Kenshi, Bottom!Johnny, mentions of Johnny x Bi-Han, implied RaiLao, Johnny x Cris, mentions of body issues, Kuai Liang suffering from middle child syndrome, Johnny being a diva, Johnny having bad taste in men, Panic Attacks, Anxiety Attacks Series: Part 4 of Sometimes My Heart Is Unfaithful Summary:

After a rough night, Johnny takes Kenshi out for a night of drinking, karaoke, and sketchy bathroom sex.

[foggysirens]

An interesting contrast between Din and Luke just hit me all of a sudden: we know that in canon Din basically doesn't know how to be in a romantic relationship, right? And we never see him interacting much with any romantic pairs other than his brief time with the Frog couple. But Luke's spent all his life hanging around first Beru & Owen and then Han & Leia, and we know both couples love(d) each other immensely, and were/are devoted to each other and the rest of their family (including him). That has to have had a huge impact on him, on how he sees romantic love and loving relationships. But on the other hand it's not something that Din seems to have been much exposed to, comparatively, and I have to wonder how both experiences would impact their own relationship together.

that's a really interesting thought! i've never really thought about their dynamic that way until just now because... yeah

in the mandalorian, the majority of the relationships that we focus on are platonic friendships and familial bonds- din and grogu and their various friends. the one instance of din having a confirmed romantic relationship is a few off-handed comments from xi'an about their time together and from the looks of things there... it wasn't anything healthy. certainly nothing romantic. i think an interesting thing to look at concerning din too is the romantic relationships he has been privy to all heavily contribute to his overarching character trait of duty. his parents, we know he remembers them some, but the only memory we get to see is of them hiding him. their care for him is so prevalent and emotional even in those scant scenes we see of them before they commit to the ultimate sacrifice of putting his life ahead of their own- yet still as a united, loving front. and then there is omera, who we see din connect with through her duty and determination to protect her own child, her people, and i think seeing that played a big part in din (however briefly) considering to stay with her. and then again, like you mentioned with the frog couple, all these romantic relationships around din center around one thing- the duty and protection of children and i think for a man like din that makes so much sense. not because its what he's been around the most, but also just the very core of his character and how much he devotes himself to the mandalorian way - (and it also plays its hand in very well to the fact that in the context of a dinluke relationship, he'd see that same duty and protection from luke towards grogu as well and... that's very attractive)

and then we have luke! who, again like you said, grew up under the care of owen and breu, two people that we know would do anything for him. luke had a healthy family unit comprised of two adults that loved him as well as each other in a very humble, simple household. working together, taking care of each other. even during his petulant stages like we see in anh, luke is like 'nah sorry i cant join the rebellion i have to go home for dinner' and like- that just shows off the bat the deep respect for family that luke has, something that just becomes more and more of a defining feature of his as the movies progress. and then with leia and han, yeah, luke is around these two that fight like cats and dogs but have each others back no matter what. there is an ease to their way, even when fighting, just like owen and beru. luke is surrounded by couples that click. couples that stand and fight together. i think that would make him, not idealistic when it comes to relationships, but very firm and grounded in what he wants. luke has seen and knows what love looks like, has very well felt it for himself. even i think when he becomes more ingrained in the way of the jedi and is not actively looking for love, those same traits of ease, reliability, joy and just overall respect for your partner would be something that remains important to him

and then i think, even with the vastly different perspectives and exposure to romantic, loving relationships - that's exactly why din and luke would work. the traits of duty and commitment that din values work perfectly with those of family and reliability that luke does (not to mention how like.. it makes them perfect for understanding the importance of each other religions and what that means for their relationship). devotion is big to both of them. and not in the 'give up everything and put this first always way' but in the 'we can build a strong foundation here together' kind of way. that's not to say i don't think there wouldn't be challenges- luke has so many preconceived notions of how a relationship should look and din is a man who has never let himself even dream for longer than a few days. it would be an adjustment and shock period for both of them. i think din would find some of lukes insistences overbearing and confusing and luke would find some of dins pushback disheartening and frustrating, because truly both of them do not have much (if any) experience with serious romantic relationships. but it works. they learn and grow into it together, fostering the connection and thoughts that they share and learning to support and discuss the ones they don't - learning to love in the way the other does alongside their own and its so interesting to think of them going on that journey together- of finding the balance in their love to respect where both are coming from and carve a path together and become the love they both have always wanted

[shake-this-poet-out-of-the-beast]

Coping Mechanisms in MDZS

TLDR: Explaining the JC debate from a psychological perspective. Its all about coping mechanisms.

CW: SH, Trauma

*For context, I am a psychology student (nerd) & wanted to understand why people see the same characters differently. I personally like JC & can appreciate why he acts the way he does but I can also appreciate why so many people think he's an asshole. Interpretation is up to the reader, so think whatever you want. I just thought it was an interesting topic :)

I also know there is a million different things that affect people's interpretations of characters but I thought it was an cool theory*

I keep seeing all of this fighting in the canon JC tag and I thinks its super interesting the way that people interpret characters so differently after consuming the exact same book/show. I am sure that everybody has their own reasons for what they believe either way.

Now most characters in MDZS are both objectively good and bad, like they all believe they are doing the right thing based on their own moral compass/circumstances but that means they often have to sacrifice others to serve their own ends. I mean nobody wins in war. However, I think part of the reason that people like or don't like certain characters comes down to the way that they express themselves/coping mechanisms.

Characters like LWJ & LXC literally abandon their duties as leaders of the Lans, abandon their families & engage in self-harming behaviours. But they are pretty universally well-liked both in the story & in the fandom. I am not bashing these characters, I quite like them actually. But I am bringing them up because they use different, but still not great, coping mechanisms to deal with their trauma.

Then we compare this to characters like JC & JL. They are aggressive, can be violent & have public emotional outbursts. Also not great coping mechanisms.

But one set of characters is praised & one set is criticized, both by people within the story & fandom. Why? (Well one of the reasons anyway). The Lan Brothers internalize their emotions whilst JC & JL externalise them.

"Internalising behaviours are directed inwards and include fearfulness, social withdrawal and anxiety, while externalising behaviours are directed outwards and include physical aggression, disobedience and substance abuse" (American Psychiatric Association, 2013).

There are many studies that have shown that their is social stigma directed towards externalising behaviours. I mean they can be quite antisocial and, by definition, affect everyone around (external to) the person.

However, that doesn't mean that internalising behaviours are inherently better. As I previously mentioned, the Lan brothers both engage in behaviour that negatively impacts themselves and their community. But because their negative emotions, and subsequent behaviours, are directed towards punishing themselves, they are viewed less critically. There is less of an obvious social impact to their behaviours and so, as social creatures, we inherently view them as less problematic.

But here comes the truly interesting part:

If their JC & JL's behaviours are more stigmatised by society, why some people still like them? Well, in part, it comes down to an individual's own behaviours. Those who also externalise their emotions, have less stigma (& probably more empathy) for those who also externalise their emotions. It's hard to understand someone else's actions when you would never consider acting the same way.

Now does this justify JC & JL actions? No.

Does this make any of these characters reactions to trauma less valid than the other? Also no.

But can I understand why people hate characters like this? Absolutely.

Every character in MDZS goes through some level of trauma. There is no therapists and few resources to support them through it, so yeah they are kinda messed up by it all and don't really healthily cope with anything.

If you want to read into this a little further (or see how I came to this conclusion), check out:

Donati, G., Meaburn, E., & Dumontheila, I. (2021). Internalising and externalising in early adolescence predict later executive function, not the other way around: a cross-lagged panel analysis. Cognition & Emotion, 35(5), 986–998. Doi: https://10.1080/02699931.2021.1918644

Lau, A. S., Guo, S., Tsai, W., Nguyen, J., Nguyen, H. T., Ngo, V., & Weiss, B. (2016). Adolescents’ stigma attitudes toward internalizing and externalizing disorders: Cultural influences and implications for distress manifestations. Clinical Psychological Science, 4(4), 704–717. doi: https://10.1177/2167702616646314

If you are affected by anything in this post & need support, check out this link to find mental health resources in your area: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/therapy-medication/directory-of-international-mental-health-helplines.htm

[angelsndragons]

fjord’s feelings for caduceus changed in episodes 98-99

by which i mean, fjord finally realized how special and important he is to caduceus, which in turn set the tone of their relationship for the rest of the campaign. buckle up, this is a long one.

not when fjord threw away his sword and went to caduceus instead of jester. or when caduceus presented him with the star razor. or after the citadel fight when caduceus gave him his holy symbol. i think things changed for fjord in episode 98-99, when caduceus saved his life and removed the orb.

this is going to require some context.

because here’s the thing: fjord’s always looking for the price, waiting for the catch or other shoe to drop. people caring for him because of him with no strings attached is unprecedented. vandren and the world taught fjord that love is conditional, that only if you hide what others would find ugly and make yourself useful to them will they deign to give you a scrap of affection. i don’t think vandren did this maliciously, mind you, it was just part of his worldview and fjord’s life up to and beyond that point supported it. we can see that right up to the end of the show, where fjord is terrified that vandren didn’t remember him or that he didn’t mean nearly as much to the man as vandren did to him.

so we have fjord, who learned to don masks and hide his truest self, including his best and worst aspects. while fjord made the nein into a coherent group, into a force, a crew, a family, even, he still waited for that other shoe to drop. waited for the day that they would reject him because he was no longer useful or because he pushed them too far. you can see this waiting all over the early campaign; he’s not looking for an excuse like caleb to cut and run but he anticipates nearly all the moments that almost fractured the nein, in spite of that low wisdom score. while jester carried the guilt of not being able to save molly, fjord carried the guilt of not protecting the group in that crucial moment. travis confirmed on talks that fjord’s biggest fear when he lost his powers the first time was that he would no longer be useful and be kicked out of the group. 

that’s why fjord damn near broke down at the end of 72. the nein, no questions asked, with their standard level of snark, accepted that he was going to be a liability and kept him around anyway. armed him anyway. declared that he was no liability and that they would help him along until he could help himself and them again. this unconditional acceptance caught fjord completely off guard. it always does, really. because caduceus had said for months, an out of game half a year, that he was looking to reforge the sword as a gift for fjord. he said this to fjord’s face. he did not change course when he learned that the sword was a legendary blade forged by acolytes of the wildmother and moonweaver. the blade was still meant for fjord, even if fjord was still chained to uk’otoa. fjord extends his love and protection to the nein but is still not convinced the reverse is true. he was starting to believe it but he wasn’t quite there yet.

caduceus has a high enough wisdom to understand that’s fjord’s hang up even if he doesn’t quite understand the reasoning behind it. that’s why he pulls fjord aside in ep 75 and tells him that he doesn’t have to choose the wildmother, that there are other gods and other ideas out there looking for a champion. fjord, who at this point considers wildmom his only option (travis says she’s the only one who’s shown the slightest interest in fjord and that’s why he’s gunning for her), is befuddled by caduceus and this whole talk, so much so the pair end up talking past each other for the next several episodes.

after fjord officially becomes a paladin, things between him and caduceus become fairly...unsettled compared to their previous interactions. they talk past each other more, they aren’t in sync enough to double team those social interactions they were just starting to get good at. things are just weird for a while. to me, that’s fjord waiting for the catch, waiting for caduceus to call in some favor or something like it. and he keeps getting confused when caduceus doesn’t. so he tries once or twice to follow in caduceus’ footsteps and do as he would instead. and it just makes things weirder. these two don’t have a moment together that doesn’t leave one of them confused or unsatisfied until ep 87, when caduceus gives fjord the holy symbol and inadvertently kicks off the next phase of their relationship. because here, caduceus tries to put them back on equal footing and fjord recognizes it. caduceus rejects framing their relationship as mentor/student and tells fjord he doesn’t need caduceus to give him answers. fjord is “well on his way.”

by defining what they aren’t, mentor/student, our two boys inadvertently ask the question, “so what are we?” honestly, it’s a question that the entire group grapples with in the 90s as they reintegrate yasha, as veth struggles with the question of changing back and whether she can stay with the nein, as beau tries to sacrifice herself for veth, as jester learns some uncomfortable truths about the traveler, as caduceus finds his family again. fjord and caduceus can easily define what they aren’t - not mentor/student, not brothers or cousins- but what they actually are stumps both of them.

their relationship doesn't look like any of their relationships with the others: beau is fjord's bro and first mate, caleb is fjord's complicated mirror and admiree, jester his crush and first person he learned to be vulnerable with, veth his antagonistic sibling. on caduceus' side, caleb is the one he looks to for a fellow project nerd and clear, unvarnished goals, beau and jester are the sisters caduceus misses, yasha the quiet beloved barbarian he understands better than the rest, and veth a mess he wants to help but can't. but fjord and caduceus' relationship is highly undefined at this point. notably undefined, beyond their newly shared connection to melora. at the dinner with essek, we get the stone bomb. and travis and fjord panic. like no, seriously, they spend the next four episodes low key panicking over this revelation. this ties back to fjord waiting for those other shoes to drop but it’s also more than that.

when it comes to destiny, fjord has always been the answer, the self made man, to both caduceus and caleb’s questions about destiny. he makes choices about who he is, who he wants to be, and takes actions towards those goals. he is one of those rare people who can wear many different masks, take on many different roles, while still maintaining his sense of self and becoming a fuller version of who he is. when I say fjord is the answer to destiny, what i mean is that he is what ioun said way back in c1 about Fate: mortals make choices and through those choices, destiny is fulfilled. he is the answer to caduceus' own growth from passive instrument waiting for someone to play him to active communicator in this conversation between gods and mortals. in this sense, fjord is what caduceus learns to be (this is exactly why caduceus rejects a mentor role; he has as much to learn from fjord as vice versa).

so for this coincidence to pop up, this idea that maybe fjord only had the illusion of choice to extend his service to the wildmother, that maybe somehow he was manipulated again, that there was some grand destiny pushing things and fjord had no say in it, yeah, i can see why fjord was low-key terrified. so is this what fjord and caduceus are: just some predestined grand fairy tale partnership neither of them have that much say in? episode 96 resoundingly rejects that label too. for one thing, none of the stones or clays treat fjord's last name as anything amazing or spectacular. for another, this string of episodes gives us caduceus at his most human. the terror of not knowing what happened to his family, the uncertainty of his homecoming, the relief of saving his family and home, the irritation at the way the chaos crew treats the temple, the playful attitude caduceus cultivates after, it's all on display. caduceus drops much of his placid exterior and willingly allows the nein to see sheer depth of emotion he has.

which leads me back to episode 98-99. uk’otoa’s agents come for fjord. and caduceus is pissed. travis and ashley both said on talks that they hadn’t really seen taliesin that pissed, that it was like someone had threatened an actual loved one of his. fjord dies. and comes back to an exhausted, still pissed off firbolg who is five seconds away from snapping archmage vess derogna’s head off for interrupting his prayer of healing. taliesin doesn’t even begin to relax until they start interrogating the dead fish people the next day. once caduceus confirms the ball is still in fjord, notably caduceus and caleb were the two who remembered, fjord starts asking for a way to remove it. he asks caduceus to start a commune with wildmom in tandem with jester’s commune with the traveler. caleb tells fjord that caduceus fought “very hard for you while you were down, i don’t know if he’s up to it.” having heard that, caduceus still tries, with his first divine intervention attempt of the campaign. and when jester figures out that greater restoration will work, caduceus pushes through his exhaustion, takes charge, and goes through a truly terrifying greater restoration with fjord to remove the ball. convulsing, seizing, shuddering, collapsing, etc.

in those moments, and in the quiet after when fjord confirms that he still has his powers, it finally hits him that yes, people can protect, fight, and love him for who he is alone. there is no chain or other shoe waiting to be dropped here. the wildmother is no uk’otoa, to punish or take power at a whim. caduceus will fight with everything he has and then some for fjord because he loves him (not for nothing does fjord only realizes the depths of jester’s feelings when she uses heal on him). who are caduceus and fjord to each other? they are people who will fight for one another and the others as far as they can. fjord says over and over again that he wants to protect the nein and look out for them because he cares for them. he demonstrates it over and over again as well. caduceus says basically the same thing; he wants everyone safe and happily on their way and will stay until they are. he demonstrates this all the time as well. this is, i think, the first time that he demonstrates his dedication so unequivocally, free of the artifice of duty, fully committed through love. fjord recognizes this in caduceus and caduceus does in fjord.

i say this is a turning point because, while they don’t really have another super in depth conversation alone together, these two start clocking each other and openly help and look out for each other. there’s an ease and intimacy to the relationship after this. fjord watching caduceus swim near vokodo’s lair, fjord being ready to hand over his armor to caduceus when it looks like his won’t be ready, fjord, caduceus, and beau plotting behind jester’s back to keep her safe from the traveler, the absolute offense fjord takes to eadwulf after he spoke to caduceus like that, fjord levels up in paladin after caduceus tells him he’s proud to know him, all the way to the end of the show when fjord shelters the clerics and tells them to finish lucien, we get little moments like these from both of them. hell, caduceus is the first person in the campaign to tell fjord directly that he loves him.

[mittensmorgul]

Mittens, I know that some people are rejoicing over Castiel's vision in 12x19, but personally, I started crying when I realized that Cas gave up so much for love and faith in his family, and got teased with that vision of the future - a paradise he wanted for them, for himself - but never approximated that in the end. It's just so heartbreaking and I feel like I'm mourning him all over again and it just really sucks. Idk.

Hi hi!

The vision also hurts my heart, deeply, but maybe for slightly different reasons...

I have been suffering throughout the last few seasons over Cas's overall arc, and this vision, in that moment in 12.19, when Cas was literally (in text! from Dean's mouth!) desperate for a win, is just excruciating to me. And I'll tell you why.

in the mixtape scene, this was Cas's lament to Dean. He wanted to come back with a win FOR DEAN, and FOR HIMSELF. He wanted Dean to think of him as the "hero" or the "savior."

I will pause to ask here: since when has Dean ever wanted that? Ever since Cas gripped him tight and saved him from Hell, Cas has struggled to step out from that role of Protector. Shield.

This was the Big Mistake he made in s6, right? Everything that went wrong was framed around the fact that he was trying to "protect" Dean. This is why he bought into Crowley's plan, why he left Dean in the dark even after he got dragged back into the fight, and why everything ultimately ended with Cas's literal death. Like... the narrative judged him. In 6.20, all he was left with was Dean's disappointment, and a drive to prove that he was actually right (he was not actually right...).

Even in 12.19, he was "playing them" all along. He came back under the pretense of wanting to "rejoin the team" and work together with Sam and Dean again, but really he was only there to steal the Colt on behalf of Heaven. Cas was prepared to do whatever it took to keep Sam and Dean safe from Dagon, but also "safe" from having to kill an innocent woman to prevent the birth of the nephilim she carried.

Like in s6, Cas was desperate for that win. He was desperate to "earn" his place with the Winchesters, the family he chose. He even told Kelvin before they went in to confront Dagon that he wasn't doing this to redeem his "reputation" in Heaven, he only cared about "redeeming his reputation" with DEAN.

He has no idea that Dean does not give one flying fig about Cas's ability to "protect him," he just wants Cas to Be There With Him.

And later on, this is literally the lesson Cas attempts to impart to Jack. When Jack laments the loss of his power, and believes himself "useless," It's CAS who most effectively talks to him about the fact that nobody cares about his powers, that they don't care about what he can do FOR them. They just care about HIM. Like... even in 15.18. This is the conversation he has with Jack by the Impala while Sam and Dean are talking to Charlie:

Jack: I feel... strange. I don't know if that's because of what happened to me, if it means something, or if I just feel strange because... it's over. The plan. My destiny. I was ready to die and, I wanted to, for Sam, for Dean, for the world. I wanted to make things right, and now... I don't know why I'm even here.

Castiel: Jack. You never needed absolution from Sam, or Dean, or from me. We don't care about you because you're useful or you fit into some grand design. We care about you because you're you.

So like... for YEARS I've felt like this was what Dean needed to actually say TO CAS. That he doesn't want Cas to try to protect him. He doesn't need Cas to be his shield. He doesn't need Cas to be "powerful" or his savior. He just needs Cas.

So this vision... this "manipulation" that Jack showed Cas in that very moment in 12.19, that Cas believed was "paradise" at the time, was what Cas needed to hear in that moment. That he could be "powerful," with his wings healed and made "useful" again.

Dean thanking him.

Not Dean being happy that they're all safe, that they managed to finally "get a win," but specifically thanking HIM for actually winning.

He wanted to believe he could be useful again.

And to me that was a tragic, depressing lesson that he still never managed to understand for himself by the end of the series.

If Dean ever knew what the vision Cas had considered "paradise" in that moment of betrayal of his loved ones, I personally think Dean would've been horrified. I mean, he didn't even KNOW what the vision entailed, and was pre-horrified by his personal belief about how Cas had been manipulated into running away and leaving them all in the dark immediately after they'd all just gotten back on the same page again and recommitted to working together again.

So like... This is still DEEPLY in Cas's disturbing mindset of being 100% ready to sacrifice himself to "spare" Sam and especially Dean from having to do the hard things. This was nearly an identical mindset to when he'd said yes to Lucifer in the Cage in s11 because he believed he could spare Sam from having to do that himself. Like... he truly believed he was making Good Choices in these instances, and it ended up both times causing problems he'd never even considered. S11 had Lucifer using him and nearly killing Sam and Dean, and then going on a rampage that would last multiple seasons more which directly led to Jack in the first place. And then in the attempt to bring about Jack's birth, Cas cut off all communication with the Winchesters (theoretically to protect them) and therefore they had no way to warn him that Lucifer was still on the loose and closing in on reclaiming Jack himself. It literally ended up costing them Mary (pulled through the rift with Lucifer), Crowley sacrificed himself to stop it, and Lucifer killed Cas, all because Cas ran away and tried to fix everything on his own. He desperately wanted to be the winner, here.

So to me, I can't see him getting his wings back and being truly powerful and being "Dean's savior" and him basically thinking that Dean's acknowledgement of that salvation and Dean's gratitude was his idea of "paradise?" Yeah... it turns my stomach.

Dean... would hate it.

Dean's idea of paradise... is actual free will. Of them CHOOSING EACH OTHER, choosing family and standing shoulder to shoulder as a united front against the threats that come their way, instead of yet again making the same mistake of believing that they're sacrificing themselves to spare their loved ones from having to stand up and fight at all.

It NEVER works out that way. Never has. Never would.

I mean, this is why Cas made the deal with the Empty, trading away his own happiness for Jack, believing that Dean's happiness was in having JACK in the family. The tragic blind spot was his inability to see that Dean's happiness ALSO INVOLVED HAVING CAS THERE.

And the ultimate tragedy is that Dean never got a chance to actually say that to Cas.

Because if Cas had actually known that, he would never have made the choices he did.

Which is another reason I absolutely can't credit the end of 15.19 and Jack NOT bringing Cas back, knowing that he'd done it once before, and knowing WHY Cas sacrificed himself. Jack knew the conditions of Cas's deal, and I cannot believe that any version of JACK would have allowed that sacrifice to stand for HIM. Because it was the antithesis of everything Cas himself had ever taught to Jack.

Heck... I hope that makes sense...

basically, this should've been a jumping off point for Cas to ACTUALLY understand he was just as wanted, just as needed, just as cared for, and yes even LOVED, for who he was, and not the sacrifices he could make to protect Dean (and Sam, and Jack... but ultimately for Dean).

The fact he KNEW the moment he made that deal with the Empty that the knowledge of the details of that deal would be a "burden" to Dean, that it would be upsetting to Dean to know that Cas had literally traded away his own potential for true happiness because he thought that would be what Dean would prefer... he KNEW Dean would be upset about that. He knew Dean would NOT have wanted that, and swore Jack to secrecy about it. Like... he knew he had done the wrong thing here, or he wouldn't have hidden it from Dean.

So I have a really hard time thinking of this vision of Paradise (which is already a loaded word in itself in canon, and was literally what Dean spat out as an angry insult at Cas in 4.22 before his first true "tearing up the pages" and making it up as they go moment) as anything but a glaring warning sign.

And then oh look, Cas was literally killed for it four episodes later.

Then when he came back, he went right back to believing in his "purpose," wondering WHY he was brought back. Dean's "we needed you" wasn't really clear enough for Cas to understand that they didn't need him to "protect" them or to be "useful" to them. Dean just NEEDED him. Full stop.

It's a tragedy, folks.

[notallwonder]

I watched CM s3ep4 "Children of the Dark" again.

Somehow, it only just now occurred to me to watch this episode with Declan in mind. I'm sure the writers had no clue about this facet of Emily's backstory when this episode was made. But it's fun to think about, and in the case of this episode it fits in pretty well.

Emily's urge to take in Carrie Ortiz, and her disgust about returning the other kids to their foster home, are that much more poignant.

Hotch's line about remaining objective in the job vs. Emily's "and I need to know I can be human" hits harder, or differently. All that she risked to get Declan out and keep him hidden, and later all that those actions would cost her... She did all that not only to save Declan, but also perhaps to hold on to her own humanity in a job that required her to sacrifice so much of herself. With or without Declan in mind, I love this convo with Hotch bc she is taking a risk, showing vulnerability, and then she tries not to give away too much more when it turns out Carrie's family showed up. We can practically see it hit Emily that maybe she *wanted* to take Carrie in more than she realized. Not just for Carrie's sake, but for herself too.

I wonder, did she ever let herself think of Declan as her own son, either undercover or after? Did she ruthlessly compartmentalize away that maternal instinct and tell herself she did all that for Declan merely because it was the right thing to do? Maybe "maternal instinct" isn't quite right, but certainly a protective emotional attachment - maybe more of a need to provide the kind of protection and love she didn't get as a child.

I wonder how much the rest of JTF-12 knew about Declan (I can't remember if that comes up later). Did they have anything to do with getting Declan to America? Did Emily orchestrate that all by herself? They had to have helped. Did Emily have to hide her feelings away even from them, to further protect Declan from becoming a pawn?...and/or to protect her "objectivity"/detachment from being called into question?

This apparent dichotomy between "objectivity" and "humanity" is fucked up in general, and especially so considering the deep cover situation Emily was in as Lauren. I've never been sold on the idea that Emily as Lauren actually loved Ian Doyle, but perhaps if you're in that dangerous a situation you do have to believe what you're selling, at a certain level. She kept that gimlet ring necklace. Maybe only because the writers needed a tangible clue for the team to make inferences about the nature of her relationship with Doyle? Maybe not?

This exchange with Hotch shows how far she's come since "Revelations" in terms of relaxing that compartmentalization a bit and trusting her team. But it could also function as a marker of how far removed Emily is now from her days at JTF-12, how much safer (?) or more *herself* she feels.

And then my favorite moment: at the end of the episode, on the jet, with JJ.

It's no stretch to imagine Emily thinking of Declan as well as Carrie as she looks out the window - both children she is unable to care for directly, but whom she nonetheless did what she could to protect, from a distance. I like the extra layer Declan adds to this scene. I like that JJ sees and affirms Emily's need to be human, her moment of vulnerability. I love the way this episode rewards Emily's tenderness rather than punishes it. Emily's little "...yeah?" in response to JJ always gets me - again, Emily lets herself *want* to love and care for someone. It's not just a fantasy she has to lock away behind a facade of unperturbed mission-oriented objectivity.

Whew y'all, I'm never going to be over that exchange on the jet. The way JJ looks at Emily............♥️.

[castiellesbian]

i feel like i need a glossary of terms or a contact list for all these people involved with the show. i have shit memory and dont pay attention to the credits who is sera (sara??) and why does everyone hate her!! why is he Bobo!!!!!! please... has anyone posted about this im desperate

lol well including everyone involved with the show would be difficult, but I’ll give you some highlights

Eric Kripke: creator of Supernatural, showrunner for seasons 1-5. People have differing opinions about him but general people enjoyed his run and he’s considered the best showrunner in the series overall. Not much to say because there’s a lot to say lmao (notable episodes: “Pilot,” “Lazarus Rising,” and “Swan Song”)

Sera Gamble: writer who was involved from the beginning of the show, became showrunner after Kripke left. Her seasons, 6 and 7, are typically regarded as the weakest seasons. She was a huge brothers-only supporter, and was responsible for Misha being written out of the show (as well as Jim Beaver, Bobby) in order to get the show to just be about the brothers again. There’s a lot of drama regarding her treatment of Misha/Cas, but more recently she’s known for the Magicians debacle, a horrendous example of the Bury Your Gays trope. She’s also involved with (the showrunner of?) You on Netflix. She was a pretty good writer, but overall fans dislike her because of her showrunning tenure (notable episodes: “Faith” with Raelle Tucker, “Death’s Door,” “The Born-Again Identity”)

Jeremy Carver: writer from season 3 that was promoted to showrunner from seasons 8 through.... some time in 12, the timeline has been a little murky to me. He was the one who brought Cas back into the main plot, as well as allowing the deancas storyline to become genuine subtext (we can argue whether it was queerbaiting or what he was intending to do if he had been running the series finale, but yeah). Unfortunately, he was also the showrunner when Charlie was killed off brutally, which dampens his legacy. People are conflicted about his seasons, but generally he’s looked upon favorably (not related, but the picture that comes up when you search him on google is NOT him, he’s really like a typical white nerdy looking dude lol) (notable episodes: “The Rapture,” “Sacrifice,” “Do You Believe in Miracles?”)

Andrew Dabb: writer from season 4, promoted to showrunner during season 12 and is the last showrunner of Supernatural (he wrote the finale). He was well-liked by deancas fans for awhile because of how much screentime they were allowed to give, and because of the focus on extended/found family. Sam and Dean only fans didn’t like him for the same reasons. Unfortunately, HIS legacy has been marred by the awful series finale, though it’s debated whether that was his fault or because of network meddling. (notable episodes: “Dark Side of the Moon” with Daniel Loflin, “The Prisoner,” “Moriah”)

Robert Singer: executive producer since the beginning of the show (he’s also co-showrunner throughout Supernatural, but I don’t think he typically was involved with the plotlines too often). He’s directed quite a few episodes, including the infamous wire fight episode (s13 finale) as well as the series finale. Married to Eugenie Ross-Leming, writer of the show

Eugenie Ross-Leming/Brad Buckner: writing partners TECHNICALLY from season 1, but they only wrote one episode until they were brought back in season 7. They are regarded as the worst writers in all of Supernatural, responsible for tactless death scenes of fan-favorites (and typically minorities) like Kevin, Charlie, and Eileen. They also feature a gross amount of dubcon/noncon, racism, weird unnecessary sex stuff, and are SUPER into Lucifer for some unknown reason (they have a crush on Mark Pellegrino I guess). They’re also just kind of bad writers in general, their pacing is weird and their plots convoluted. To be fair, though, they have written some good moments, like Dean trying to reach Cas in Hell’s Angel and Dean’s confessional scene in Paint It Black. But overall, they suck. Why are they still on the show even though BOTH sides of the fandom (who never agree on ANYTHING) dislike them? Well, because Eugenie is married to Singer. Nepotism. (notable episodes, the ones I can stand to watch lmao: “Holy Terror,” “Hell’s Angel,” “Our Father Who Aren’t in Heaven”)

Ben Edlund: writer from season 2 who left after season 8, but people STILL talk about him simply because he is arguably the strongest writer of the series. Cas fans particularly like him because he did most of the heavy-lifting regarding Cas’ characterization. He also wrote the famous bi!Dean scene with Aaron in season 8, where Dean is flustered after being flirted with. (notable episodes: “On the Head of a Pin,” “The French Mistake,” and my all-time favorite “The Man Who Would Be King”)

Robert “Bobo” Berens: writer from season 9, his first episode was “Heaven Can’t Wait,” which is all you really need to know about his influence on the deancas storyline. He’s also gay, so people particularly enjoy seeing how he approaches destiel in his episodes since it’s not just another straight guy potentially just catering to fans. He was also the one who was meant to go off and run Wayward Sisters, and is responsible for a lot of their development in recent seasons. I believe he also created Rowena? He wrote the episode this season where Cas confesses his love to Dean (along with other heavy deancas episodes like “The Trap”). Sam fans typically don’t like him because he doesn’t give him much focus. (notable episodes: “Heaven Can’t Wait,” “Who We Are,” “Wayward Sisters” with Andrew Dabb)

Steve Yockey: writer from season 12 through the beginning of season 15. Also gay, and also responsible for deancas moments in recent years. Generally loved for his deancas subtext but ALSO because he is an amazing writer who came out with iconic episodes. (notable episodes: “Celebrating the Life of Asa Fox,” “Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets,” “Peace of Mind” with Meghan Fitzmartin)

Robbie Thompson: writer from seasons 7 through 11, and wrote some fan favorite episodes in the meantime. He is also the creator of fan favorite characters like Charlie and Eileen. He was also one of the few writers who was vocally supportive of destiel during his tenure rather than just later. I’m not implying anything about his intentions, but it was validating for him to encourage fans during a time where most of the cast/crew ignored or actively dismissed it. Plus his episodes are just fun! (notable episodes: “LARP and the Real Girl,” “Fan Fiction,” “Baby”)

Meredith Glynn: writer since season 12, has worked closely with Bobo during their seasons together. She and Bobo cowrote “The Future,” which is the mixtape episode, so she has been taken in by deancas fans haha. She also wrote the episode where Cas makes the deal with the Empty, so it’s pretty safe to say she and Bobo had worked on the deancas plotline together :) She’s also liked some deancas-related tweets on twitter, so she’s being subtly supportive (notable episodes: “Regarding Dean,” “The Future” with Robert Berens, “Byzantium”)

Davy Perez: writer since season 12 (a lot of the ones I’ve mentioned are, since this is when Dabb became showrunner and made changes in the writers room). His episodes tend to either be horror or bizarre. I mention him because he’s responsible for episodes like “Stuck in the Middle (With You)” (Cas’ first “I love you”) and “Tombstone” (aka Brokebacknatural lmao). I don’t know much about him otherwise, but that’s why he’s brought up usually (notable episodes: “Stuck in the Middle (With You),” “Tombstone,” “Atomic Monsters”)

hopefully this helps, and hopefully I didn’t forget about anyone major. There have been a LOT of people behind the scenes so it’s hard to say who to include. Like, I didn’t mention Jerry Wanek, Jim Michaels, Kim Manners, Thomas J. Wright, or others who might be mentioned from time to time.

[greenygreenland]

Dream A Little Dream Of Me: Norman x Reader

-MANGA SPOILERS! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK! 

-NOTE: YOU’RE BOTH AGED UP SO DON’T START TELLING ME FBI’S GONNA COME TO MY DOOR 😂😂

-THE TIMELINE IS A BIT MESSED UP SO JUST IGNORE IT COMPLETELY AND DON'T ASK ME LOL

-also, is it just me or do thick eyebrows look really cute??? Norman has pretty thick brows compared everyone else and I think they're cute 

WARNINGS: Kissing lol

Summary: You finally see Norman again.

Life had to be the scariest thing you'd ever faced. It threw the bad, the good, the everything your way until you could barely stand. Until you were left broken and mangled and shattered. Life was scary. It was cruel. Yet somehow, today was different.

You thought it was a dream. After all, how could it be reality when the boy in front of you died a year and some months ago? He had been shipped out, left for dead because it was a part of his stupid escape plan.

So how was it he stood before you? Breathing? Smiling? Living?

The office door closed behind you with a soft click. It bathed the room in silence, as if for a moment, the world decided to give you a second to breathe. A second to take in the wonderous sight before you.

The boy's name stuck in your throat. He had changed, not only in height, but stature and appearance. Norman was older, and he grew up to be more handsome than any runway model could ever be.

"(Y/n)," he gently said. "I'm glad you're well."

That was all it took. One sentence and you tackled him in the tightest hug your trembling arms could muster. "Norman...!" To have his arms around you, to hear the beating of his heart--it was a relief. A miracle sent by the gods. "You’re so stupid!"

No, he was more than stupid. He had to be the dumbest boy alive to think that it was okay to sacrifice himself for the sake of your family. You all were supposed to escape together just like Emma said. No one was supposed to be left behind, yet Norman--bless his heart--acted on his own.

You hugged him as if he would disappear if you let go. "We were all supposed to leave together. But you--I thought you--shipped out--and then--!" You chocked on your words. What more could you say anyway?

You buried your face in the crook of his neck. The muffled sob that ripped through your throat was more than Norman could handle. His knees went weak and you both slowly sunk to the floor in a heap. 

"I'm here." he gently said. "I'm not going anywhere (Y/n)."

Despite the steadiness in Norman's voice, his shoulders hitched, and he sniffled. "I'm here." he repeated. "I-I'm here." It sounded like he were reassuring himself that he wouldn't leave you so soon, as if he were scared too. Not for the way you sobbed and sobbed, but for the ache in his heart that seemed to beat in sync with yours.

Slowly, your sobs turned to quiet sniffles, which then silenced into nothing but tiny hiccups. You basked in Norman's warm embrace. He didn't hold you too tightly, as if he were afraid it would shatter you to pieces. Instead, he pulled you close to his side and leaned on his desk behind.

You rested your head on his chest, taking the time to memorise his scent. Parchment, the woods, and old books. You liked that, it was comforting to know he still smelled the same. On the other hand, his voice wasn’t as smooth or rounded as it once was. It was icy. No one seemed to notice that tiny sharpness that hit the end of each note he spoke. You wondered what could've made his kind heart harden.

Sure, Norman was still the same Norman you remembered, but something about the way he acted seemed off. He was clingy, much more than he ever was. Maybe he just missed you? No, that couldn't be right. Norman acted as if he were running out of time. He held you close and gently, as if these would be the last moments you'd see each other again. As if there wouldn't be a tomorrow.

You slowly pulled away to get a good look at Norman's face. His chin was slightly pointier, his cheeks less chubby and full. His lips twitched upwards into a comforting smile. It didn't quite reach his eyes because he looked so overwhelmingly tired. Your poor boy probably worked day and night to keep the hideout on its feet. It must be hard on him, you thought. Especially since he was revered as a god.

Norman's brows raised. "What's wrong?"

You took his thin hands in your own and gave them a good squeeze. "It's nothing. What about you?"

Ah yes, small talk. The perfect way to avoid any question thrown your way. Norman knew you well, sometimes even more than himself. When you asked simple questions such as these, that meant your mind laid elsewhere in a land he could never reach. Norman took that as a hint to drop the subject.

For now.

He wondered what invisible weight laid on your shoulders. Was it something as heavy as his? Perhaps your weight was worse and it ate away at you. Norman wished he could take that weight away and relieve you of that pain. He'd carry it all if he could, and it didn't matter to him if he'd die trying. This was you he was thinking about. He'd do anything for you.

"I've been okay," Norman vaguely responded. "But I have been busy, so I find it difficult to sleep sometimes.”

Norman liked to be honest, but you knew it was because that helped him figure out what was wrong with you. It was a game of tag. In this case being 'it' meant figuring out each others' worries through a back-and-forth match.

"You haven't been sleeping enough?" Your voice came out rather quiet as you traced invisible circles over the back of his hands. "Is that because you have so much work? Or do you refuse to get help?" Norman sat in a still silence and you sighed.

Of course. 

This was your Norman after all. He always shouldered a burden too big for his shoulders to carry. It was always something so heavy, so terribly hard to balance by himself. If that burden grew any bigger, it would collapse, and that would be his downfall. But you wouldn't let that happen to your Norman. No, no, no. You'd take that burden from him, steal it if you had to, and be his crutch.

"What have you been doing here?" you quickly added. "As 'William Minerva', I mean?"

Norman looked unbearably uncomfortable. That little frown tugging at the edge of his lips was a tell-tale sign. “I’ve been getting a lot done." he carefully said. "In fact, I’ve figured out a way to end this. Once and for all.” 

Norman began by explaining the first phase of his plan. The first phase had long been in motion. It started with the indiscriminate burning of cattle facilities, then the gathering of information, and continued on to pave the way for all the other phases you didn’t care to hear about.

The first few steps weren't too bad, but the final act in Norman's plan made your skin crawl. You half-wished you hadn’t asked him anything to begin with. Maybe it would have spared your appetite. Your grip on his thin hands loosened and loosened until your hands rested on your lap.

Norman wasn't so little anymore. He had grown up just a bit, but not in the way you wished to see. How could he think of something so cold-hearted and cruel? The extermination of all demons in Neverland was an act of genocide. If you re-called correctly, it was also considered a war crime.

Norman was smarter than that. He understood the consequence he'd have to face if that were the path he walked right? He understood that there were still other options right? Maybe you heard him wrong.

No.

You had to have heard him wrong. Norman wasn't ruthless like that. He was a ball of sunshine that made you smile whenever you were together.

"I see..." You tightly smiled. "So that's your plan on freeing everyone?" Norman nodded with a seriousness that took you back to the time he left everything to you and Ray and Emma. 

You weren't mistaken then. Norman truly meant everything he said.

"Yes, that is my plan. It's been taking me a little longer than expected to set it in motion. I've decided to officially start tomorrow."

Tomorrow? 

Your breath hitched. "Don't you think that's a bit hasty? What if...what if something goes wrong?" Norman smiled. It was hollow and wry and everything that he wasn't. "Don't worry. Fortunately, I've always been pretty good at getting what I want." You didn't return the smile, and you didn't want to say why.

Norman was quick to catch on. But of course he would catch on so quickly, this was Norman. Your Norman.

"Do you have a problem with my plan?" he inquired. You shook your head. "No, it's...it's not that." Yes, it was that. Your plan is dangerous even if it is good, you thought. Innocent lives wouldn't be spared, and that would spell an unfair fate for the demons who ate to survive.

You wanted to tell Norman why his plan was wrong, and why he didn't have to be so unforgiving about it. But then what? Why would he listen when you didn't have any better ideas? He seemed to have his mind set anyway, so no half-baked ideas would make a difference. And besides, he was the smartest person you knew. Maybe that was the only way out of the terrible fate all you cattle children faced.

"If you're okay with my plan," Norman said, "then what's bothering you (Y/n)?"

"It's still a lot for me to take in," you admitted with a plastic smile. "I guess I'm just shocked that you're, well, here." Norman smiled, this time with a genuine warmth. "I understand." He leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on your lips. "I'll see you at dinner."

Your cheeks burned. How bold of him. "Y-yeah, I'll see you at dinner." Norman let out a cute little chuckle that made your heart beat a little louder than it was supposed to. You hauled yourself off the floor and made your way to the door. Norman followed.

You flashed him a nervous smile, one that mixed in with your muddled worry and anxiousness. You glanced at his bright eyes. For a moment, they seemed to dim like the setting sun. It reminded you of Mama. When no one looked at her, she didn’t smile. She always looked so sad when she sat by herself, and maybe that was because she was. 

"(Y/n)?"

Your fingers brushed against the doorknob. “Hm?”

"I want nothing more than to protect you and our family. I know you don't fully agree with me," his expression darkened. "But this is the way--the only way we can save everyone without spilling a single drop of blood."

For a moment, you forgot who you were speaking to. This wasn't the same boy you begged to run away with before he got shipped out. This wasn't the same boy who gently tucked a piece of hair behind your ear and sweetly complimented you. This boy--did you truly still know him? Was he still the Norman you grew up with and fell head-over-heels for?

You blinked and that dark look washed itself off his face. He strode up to you and placed a hand on your cheek--just like the day he was supposed to be harvested. Norman’s eyes were soft, softer than any blanket, and his lips pursed into a gentle frown. With his thumb, he wiped a stray tear away. 

Why were you crying?

"Norman..." You couldn’t find the right words. There were none that could explain the suffering you endured in silence. You worried, not only for Norman, but your family and all those other people in the world you didn’t know about. Norman’s plan--oh how stupid it was--had it changed him? Had it forced him to guard his heart to keep a still mind? 

You wondered what he endured while you went on your crazy adventures. At least you had your family, and Yuugo, Lucas, and all your friends. But Norman? He didn’t have anyone but himself. He carried the whole world. Alone. Had he been scared? Worried? Angry that no one came for him? Your heart clenched at the thought. 

"Smile,” Norman said. “It’s okay, I promise. I'm here." He gathered you in his arms and you didn’t have the heart to protest. “How?” you whispered. “How were you able to do all this on your own?” Norman helplessly shrugged. “You could say I have connections, either that or I’m just lucky.”

“What will you do after this is all over?”

Norman went still again, as if he couldn’t answer your question. You heaved in a shaky breath. If Norman wasn’t going to give you a straight answer, then you’d squeeze it out of him. “Did anything else happen to you? I’m sure there’s a catch, isn’t there?” 

It was like someone flipped a switch. One moment, you were a mess of tears, sorrow, and anguish. Now, something menacing laid in your voice. It was almost threatening, as if you were indirectly telling Norman to dare avoid the question. “I don’t want you dying trying to be everything at once,” you said. “Here you’re revered as a god, and if I know you, then it’s plain that you set yourself up like that. Don’t tell me you plan to die on us again.”

He stiffened.

“I know you Norman, don’t forget that. And because I love you, I don’t want to see you destroy yourself. I admit, I don’t know why you act like you’re going to leave again, but I’ll do everything in my power to stop you.” You pulled away and took his hands in yours. A small smile of reassurance made its way up your lips, but Norman didn’t return it. 

No, he couldn’t. And despite all he did, he couldn’t lie straight to your face. Not like this.

Dinner cheered you up. The smiles and laughter that your family shared with Norman made you feel just a little bit better. But how long would it last? And how long would those smiles stay present? All the questions swarming in your mind made you feel sick to your stomach. There was too much to think about, and too little time to answer them.

You forced down the last of your food with a sigh and brought the plate to its respectful place. Everyone was too busy chatting and catching up to notice, but that was fine. It was better that way. 

You made your way to a secluded walkway. It was in one of the calmer areas of the hideout that overlooked the lower levels. It was quiet, save for the distant chatter of Hayato and his friends. He let out a bright laugh that echoed through the vacant walkways. What a shame it would be to hear that disappear.

“So this is where you went.” 

“I told you she’d be here.”

You whipped around in alarm. “Ray, Emma!” 

Ray sharply looked you up and down. He raised a brow and you squirmed under his gaze. He gently bumped shoulders with you. “What’s wrong with you?” 

You absentmindedly shrugged. “Nothing.” 

“That’s what someone who’s not okay would say.” Emma noted. She settled by your side on the railing and flashed a bright smile. “You were so quiet at dinner today.” 

You shook your head. Que another absentminded shrug and plastic smile. “I guess I just wanted to make sure everyone was okay.” 

Ray sighed. “Everyone but you?” He leaned against the railing next to you. “Did you and Norman talk at all?”

You froze. ‘Yes’, was what you wanted to say, but no sound came out. The image of Norman’s matured face, the way his his soft lips hit your own, and his stupidly tall build crossed your mind. 

Emma let out a gasp and slapped a hand over her mouth. “Ah!” she cried. “You’re all red!” You covered your hands with your face, ignoring Ray’s curious stare.

“What did you two talk about in his office anyway? Or should I say, do?” The glint in Ray’s eyes had subtext you didn’t want to recite out loud. “Rayyyyy,” you grumbled, “shut up.” He sent you a teasing grin as Emma frowned in confusion. “I don’t get it.” 

“You’ll understand when you’re older.”

“Yeah, it’s grown up stuff.”

You ignored the warmth spreading to your cheeks and elbowed Ray. “Don’t say it like ‘that’! Now you make it sound like something else!” 

He daringly raised a brow. “Like what?” You ran a hand over your scorching face. It was a miracle you weren’t on fire. “No, no, I’m not answering you!” 

You shared a good laugh and a comfortable silence began to settle, blanketing your shoulders in a lightness that you hadn’t felt in a while. 

Emma softly smiled. “I’m glad we found you.” she admitted. “You looked really sad all by yourself out here.” Ray nodded with a small snort. “Yeah, talk about depressing. But seriously though, did something..?”

Of course these two would see through your façade. Of course they’d understand something was wrong. They were your family, and they didn’t deserve your silence. Your smile shattered. “I don’t know if Norman told you about his plan yet, but it’s...it’s bad. Sure, the demons have done some terrible things to us, but that doesn’t mean all of them are guilty. I want to stop him, but I don’t know how.” 

Emma nodded in agreement. “He told us earlier and I don’t like it either.” she firmly said. “Ray and I talked it over and we have a plan, but it’s risky. Like, really risky. It has to do with the Seven Walls and...” 

You held on to every word Emma and Ray spoke. Risky was your middle name. Well, not actually, but it was something that became your friend. You and your family looked death in the face too many times to count. What would be another?

By the end of it, you were sure this new plan would change Norman’s mind, or at least convince him to give up the whole ‘genocide’ thing. It was decided by Ray that tomorrow, you’d all talk to Norman. Things seemed to be looking up. No, they had to be.

------------

The halls were empty and you were alone. How was it you got lost in the first place? You made sure to have every twist and turn memorised, so why did you end up in the wrong corridor twice? Ray would surely tease you for getting lost. What an absolute--

You slammed into someone’s chest. A yelp escaped your throat as the person in question lost his footing. He sucked in a sharp breath and went tumbling straight into you. Your back hit the ground as the boy threw out his arms on either side of your head to brace himself. You didn’t need a name to know who you had tumbled into. Light hair, soft eyes, fancy waistcoat and suit. 

“Norman?”

He hovered over you with wide eyes. His lips were inches from yours and he was just so, so close. 

Thump, thump, thump.

Your heartbeat was so gosh dang loud. Could he hear it? Could he see the way your face burned red? 

“Uhm--I--I--uh--” 

Why wasn’t he moving? Why weren’t you moving? Why was it so hard to look him in the eyes? A nervous smile broke out across Norman’s lips. He pushed himself off of you and offered out a hand. You gingerly took it.

“Sorry.” Norman said, helping you to your feet. “I wasn’t looking where I was going. Are you okay?” Your gaze darted from his lips to his dazzling eyes and then to his cheeks dusted in red. Your heart wouldn’t stop slamming against your chest. It kept going, and going until you felt like you were about to burst. 

“Sh-shouldn’t I be asking you that?” you retorted. “I’m not the one who--you know...gets sick all the time.” You weren’t sure why you said it like that, or why that made Norman smile so cutely, but he was smiling. That made your heart flutter. You glanced around the corridor a few times, and somehow, you kept finding focus on his lips. 

What was wrong with you?

Norman caught on fast--like he always did. “Oh I see,” he said with a low chuckle. You swallowed. His voice really did deepen (but you kind of liked it). For a moment, you thought he caught onto your staring, but instead of commenting on it, he intertwined his hand with yours and led you through the winding halls. 

“Don’t tell Ray I got lost.” you muttered. Norman laughed and it was like the sound of happiness itself. “I won’t.” 

The halls all looked the exact same: cream coloured paint, nature-like decorations, and numbered wooden doors. You forgot what number your room was, so that was probably why you got lost. Norman took a sharp left where you recalled should be a right instead. “Wait isn’t it that way?”

“I have something to give you, so we’re going to make a quick detour.” Norman’s cheeks dusted pink and he looked the slightest bit nervous. “What is it you want to show me?” He flashed you a contagious smile. “It’s a surprise.” 

“What kind of surprise?”

“I can’t tell you,” he said with a chuckle, “that’s why it’s called a surprise.”

When you got to his office, you were nervous. Surprises were fun, yes, but in a world where nearly getting eaten by wild demons fell into the category of ‘surprise’, you learned not to like them very much.

Norman closed the door behind you and it softly clicked shut. Okay, you thought. So he was locking the door and making his way over to his desk. Okay, that’s fine. Norman shuffled through a cabinet, that nervous look still on his face. Okay, okay, nothing wrong here. He gently shut the drawer, and as he walked out from behind his desk, you took note of the small little box he fiddled with. 

Okay. Okay. Box. Nervous. Locked door. Did he not want anyone to interrupt whatever he was about to do? 

Norman heaved in a deep breath. A really, really, really deep breath. “(Y/n), I have never met anyone else like you. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met, and you’re beautiful and kind.” He sunk to one knee and opened the little box. “Will you marry me?”

“Yes!”

---------

You jolted awake with a start. 

“Sorry,” Norman said. He scribbled a few words down in his notebook. “Did I wake you?” 

Ah, that’s right. After you talked with Emma and Ray, you all met up with Norman and hung out for a bit. But when had you gotten to his office? Much less, fallen asleep? You rubbed your eyes with a shake of your head. Judging by the tired look on Norman’s face, it was way past bedtime.

The heavy cloak around your shoulders offered a welcoming warmth. It smelled like books. It smelled like parchment and ink. It smelled like Norman and it was comforting. 

He glanced up from his notebook and curiously met your gaze. “What are you smiling at?” The dream popped up in your mind and your smile grew. “I had a good dream.” 

“What was it about?” he inquired without looking up.

“You.” 

The scratch of the pencil froze and he met your gaze. “You had a dream about me?” Your cheeks flushed. “Yeah, and you proposed.” Norman’s back went rigid and he turned as red as an apple. “I-I pro--proposed to you?” he stammered. You snickered, a smug smile tugging on your lips. “It was really sweet. And if you’re wondering, I said yes. I was going to kiss you, but then I woke up.” You stood up with a sigh. “It was disappointing, but that’s okay.” 

You let out a small laugh and neatly folded Norman’s cloak. You left it on the couch and made your way across the room. “That’s a nice notebook.” you said. “What’re you writing about?”

Norman stilled and closed the book with a smile. “It’s nothing special.” He put the pencil down ever so quietly and stood. “Do you seek my affections?” he inquired. You settled on the wall. “Don’t you have work to do?” Norman looked down at you. His fringe brushed across his eyelashes, and he loosened his tie. Slowly.

Your heart steadily drummed against your chest. “What are you doing?” The false innocence in your voice caused Norman to chuckle lowly. He caressed your cheek with a feather-light touch. “Well, you did say you were disappointed right? Why don’t I make it up to you?” 

He rested an arm on the wall with a sly smirk. Your lips connected and it made your stomach flip-flop. The kiss was slow, it was sweet. You found yourself pulling him closer, running your hands through his hair and yanking him over. "Norman?" He met your gaze with half-lidded eyes. "Yes (N/n)?"

"Where did you learn how to do that?"

He smirked and it was hot. The fact that he kept his arm braced against the wall didn’t help either. "Why?" he lowly inquired. "Do you like it?" Your breath caught in your throat and you found yourself wanting more. 

Knock, knock!

Norman didn't look too happy about that. He ran a hand over your cheek and gently tucked a lock of hair behind your ear, that half-lidded look of his melting into warmth and love. He made his way to the door, tightening his tie and smoothing out his hair with a quick touch.

"Hello--?" Norman fell short mid-sentence. As soon as your gaze locked with the person on the other side, you understood why. Ray stood in the threshold, just as red-faced as you and Norman, with a sheepish look on his face. “I’ll come back later.” he muttered. 

Oh great. Had he been eavesdropping? You glanced at Norman and he glanced at you, then Ray, and back to you. Ray sucked his teeth and stuffed his hands in his pockets. “Don’t have too much fun.” he said, a smirk twitching onto his lips.

You made your way to the threshold with a groan. “Rayyyy!” 

“Yeah, yeah, don’t worry.” he coolly replied. “Do whatever, I didn’t see anything.”

PART 2 <--- READ PART 2

NOTE: I spent a WHOLE WEEK writing this. Please reblog so I know you guys like it :)

TIP JAR

[lfzyxf]

My turn

Summary: It’s your turn to save humanity as you land on a foreign planet with Natasha and Clint.

Natasha Romanoff x reader, Clint Barton x reader

Word count: 1.1K (angst)

Masterlist

The three of you were standing before the ship, eyes looking around you, taking in the view. Under different circumstances you’d be happy standing there, the purple planet is beautiful, you hadn’t seen anything like it before.

Clint turns around, firing a Pym particle which makes the ship shrink. He walks towards it before kneeling and picking it up. An arm rests on your shoulders as you watch him, Natasha holding you closer to her, a bad feeling in her stomach.

“Alright, let’s go” the man instructs, moving pas the two of you. Natasha squeezes your shoulder shortly before following Clint.

“Really starting to regret my choice here” Clint speaks up as you see an archway of some sorts in front of you. “Yeah. I’m gonna bet the raccoon didn’t have to climb a mountain” Nat sighs, eyebrows narrowing. “You know, technically he isn’t a raccoon…” you look at her as you speak, a small smile resting on your lips.

“Whatever,” she rolls her eyes “he eats garbage”.

A sound makes the three of you silent, weapons are pulled from their places on your suits as you look around. A knife rests in each of your hands, gold lines adorning the handle.

“I assure you; you have nothing to fear from me” a hooded figure speaks up, face hidden from your eyes. “Creepy” Clint says, making you nod. “Welcome Natasha, daughter of Ivan. Clint, son of Edith. Y/n child of y/p/n.”

“Creepier” you whisper to the two older figures next to you. “Who are you?” Natasha asks, eyes narrow as she glares at the figure, one of her arms stretched in front of you, ready to pull you behind her.

“Consider me a guide. To you, and to all who seek the Soul Stone.” He answers, your thoughts racing, wondering who else had been here before you, why had they all failed?

“Great. You show us where it is, and we’ll be on our way.” Nat lets her guard down a little, moving more in front of you. The mysterious figure speaks up, “Oh, liebchen. If only it were that easy...” He removes his hood as he speaks. Revealing himself, a familiar face stands in front of you all. Your voice is soft as you speak “Red skull.”

All of you stand near the edge of the mountain, the view in front of you enchanting. “What you seek lies in front of you. As does what you fear.” Red skull speaks, something he must have said before.

Natasha looks at him, “the stone is down there?” “For two of you. For the other...” he smiles. “The Stone demands a sacrifice. In order to take it, you must leave behind that which you love.”

He points one of his thin fingers to the depth below you, “a soul for a soul.”

You look at Clint and Natasha, the two of them staring down at the never-ending depth, the end for one of you.

You sit in front of Natasha, she herself sits on one of the many rocks around you. “Maybe he’s full of shit” Clint speaks up, he walks up to the two of you, closing the distance.

Natasha sighs “I don’t think so” “Why because he knew your daddy’s name?” “I didn’t.”

You take a deep breath before speaking up “Thanos left here with the stone, and without his daughter. You really think that’s a coincidence?”

Natasha looks down, “Whatever it takes…” she says under her breath, Clint and you look at each other before repeating her, “Whatever it takes…”

Nat stands up, walking to Clint “If we don’t get the stone, billions of people are going to stay dead” “Then I guess we both know who it has to be”.

You walk up to both of them, taking their hands in your own, “I’m starting to think we don’t mean the same person” you speak up.

“Natasha looks at you, before looking at Clint “For the last five years, I’ve been trying to do one thing get to right here. This is all it’s been about. Bringing everybody back.”

“Do not get all decent on me” Clint says, glaring at the woman in front of him. “You think I want to do it? I’m trying to save your life you idiot.” “And I don’t want you to,” “Nat. You know what I’ve done. What I am now. Your life’s worth ten of mine”

You don’t speak up; you don’t know what to say. The people you love the most are fighting over who is to die and who is to live. “I don’t judge people by their worst mistakes” Natasha says, he didn’t judge her past, why would she judge his.

“Maybe you should” “you didn’t.”

The two of them look down, sharing another moment. “You’re a pain in my ass you know that?” You look at Nat, watching as she relaxes, but just then clint sweeps out her legs, holding her down.

The two of them continue, a fight breaking out while you stand behind them. Eyes tearing up you make up your mind. You know what to do, it’s the only way.

Clint has a family; one you are considered a part of. You love all of them as if they were your one, and so do they. His children are waiting for him to save them, his wife is waiting for him.

And Natasha, she’s like a mother to you, always taking care of you from the moment you joined the Avengers.  She has never had a family of her own, not even knowing their names. Growing up being controlled and brainwashed, only to then be found by people she eventually called her family.

You cannot take that away from her. You can’t take it away from them. there is only one option, and you know it’s the right one.

So, you start walking, you start running. You run past the both of them, closer and closer to the edge. And as you stand there, ready to jump you turn around.

Two pairs of eyes are focused on yours, “y/n, don’t-” “I love you both, so much. Tell the rest I love them, I know you will save them, save the world.”

“No-” the simple word fades into a scream, quieter and quieter as you fall. Your eyes open, taking in the beautiful world in front of you.

As you near the ground you slowly close your eyes, one last breath before your eyes close one last time.

Clint and Natasha lay in some strange water, their eyes open slowly, looking around. In one hand, lays the stone. They did it, she did it.

@dpaccione

@capsnacklepop

[thompsonstessa-moved]

Måneskin interview for TVN24 - english translation

Few days ago an interview (on video) with Måneskin came out in Poland on TVN24 channel, sadly its paywalled on their site (and the tv only showed a bit).

However, I got a transcript of it and decided to translate it for you guys :D

Also, while the interview took place in Poland (day before the Sopot festival), the interviewer knew italian, so they talked in italian and the TV translated it to polish (and dubbed them!!! :( ). So I hope theres nothing that like, got lost in translation twice.

Also its 2am now so the translation might not be the most perfect, but you'll definitely get the gist of what they were saying!!

The whole thing is under the 'keep reading' :)

First of all – congratulations on the San Remo and Eurovision wins! I just want you to know how happy you made my mom – she listens to your music for 3 years now. How are you feeling today?

D: We feel good, tho we’re tired as well. We travel a lot, but we’re happy. We meet new fans, new opportunities are coming up. It’s really nice.

How did you guys meet? When looking at you, you have this sense of unity and just good vibes. How did it all start?

D: We know each other for a long time.

V: Yeah, Since middle school. Me, Thomas and Damiano were playing in different bands, but they weren’t the best. Thet all disbanded. Then we posted in a facebook group ’looking for a musician in rome’ and found Ethan. Since then we started doing music for real. We devoted ourselves to the music, and… the rest just came naturally.

E: Yes. We knew it’s gonna be our life since day one.

What did you say In the post, when looking for the fourth member of the band?

V: I wrote ”looking for a drummer for an indie rock/new wave band”.

E: That’s true, there was new wave in it too.

I’m sure a lot of people replied.

V: No, actually only Ethan replied. But we found that post lately and now it’s full of comments like „why didn’t i reply back then!”

T: Ethan was really lucky.

What did your parents thought about your choice (to pursue music)? A rockstar lifestyle isn’t exactly what every parent wants for their child.

D: No, our parents are really content with it. They know what we do makes us happy, and of course we visit them whenever we can. And they are proud of us as well, because they see we’re happy and independent, travelling all over the Europe, and hopefully all over the world. I think every parent wants their kid to be satisfied and happy.

And friends? Are you still friends with the same people, or did the friendships fell apart?

D: We still have the same friends. And we’re sure that way that they are our real friends.

Do they understand your current lifestyle, that you can dissapear for a year?

V: Yeah, they all understand that this is our job, that our life is a bit irregular, but, like everything, it has its ups and downs.

E: Exactly, they understand, but they also miss us. Sometimes my mom calls and says ”I miss you, you’ve been gone for so long”. It’s normal. But what’s important is that we feel the support from our families and friends. They understand that you need to sacrifice a lot, to achieve a lot.

Can you still easily go ands grab a beer in the Rome neighbourhoods (districts?) of Pigneto or Trastevere? Or is it impossible now?

V: The only truly safe place for us is Trastevere, because we always lived there. Everyone there knows us and they don’t care we’re famous.

D: But I have to admit that since they whole Eurovision thing we still didn’t come back, so it’s hard to say for sure.

T: But let’s say that its a safe space.

Don’t you worry that now that whole world knows you, you’ll be followed by tourists?

V: Oh my god, you’re right, we didn’t think about it!

D: When we came back to Rome for one day I got excited when one tourist stopped me. ”Cool, I got stopped by a tourist” – now it’s normal.

T: It gives us joy.

V: It’s beautiful.

E: Wonderful.

V: We’re not complaining.

D: Long live the tourists!! (that one was kinda weird to translate)

You started by playing on Via Del Corso, now you’re international stars. I’m wondering, do you still feel the same when playing together as before? Do you have fun making music together? Or do you miss the simpler times and would love to go back to Via del Corso and play something spontaneously?

V: No, we’re still spontaneus. It’s really important for us, and we make sure people who work with us understand that. We’re really adamant about it. Music needs to remain beautiful, spontaneus and natural thing for us. We never worked with someone who would write lyrics for us. No one ever told us what we can and cannot do. We still feel the exact same feelings in studio and on stage that we felt when we were just getting started. It’s the purest thing for us. We want to have fun and feel free to express ourselves.

T: Exactly, especially that music is our driving force. Without music, we wouldn't have all the beautiful things we do. We focus only on music, and the rest comes to us.

Let’s imagine a situation where you just started ma king a song, and everyone has a different idea for it. How do you work that out? And who’s idea wins most of the time?

V: There are two options in this situation: we try every idea, and if none works, we throw the song away.

E: It doesn’t work. (that one is kinda untranslateable?)

V: Or we really work on it and fight till the end.

D: Exactly. Sometimes, but that pretty rare, one of us has a particular idea on how to do the song, and manages to convince us (to the idea). but it’s not an order, it’s a dialogue. An attempt to make everyone think the same way. I need to say that it was much harder in the past, because we were still searching for our sound, and each tried to push the rest into their way of thinking. But now we’re more aware of what we want to create, so it’s coming out in much more natural way.

E: Faster.

D: Not really faster, because it takes a lot of time to create new songs, but it’s easier, we don’t argue that much anymore.

T: It’s really cool, because everyone gives something from themselves to the song. (my brain kinda blanked here, sorry xD) Just like Damiano said, there are days when Vic has one idea for a song, I have another idea, Damiano has his own idea, Ethan as well… But it’s a whole creative process where we all contribute, and it’s pretty stimulating.

D: Everyone feels appreciated. It’s really important when it’s four of us.

What are the biggest signs that you became huge international stars?

V: We really realize that when we’re having concerts. Where we can see our audience and we can see that people really care about us. That they took time and money to listen to us. Now that we’re travelling across Europe, the amount of people stopping us on the streets really shows how many people know about us. People are waiting for us in front of our hotels. We didn’t think it would be like that. But we feel nothing but affection and warmth from them.

How was Eurovision for you from the backstage? Anything atypical?

D: No, it was all great. We played ping-pong.

V: Did rehearsals.

E: Interviews.

D: Yes, interviews. And ping-pong.

When you we’re in Paris, did anyone mention the drug allegations that came from French people during the finale, that kinda became a diplomatic incident?

D: Yeah, you could say that it was mentioned.

They don’t resent you? Or maybe you resent France?

D: No. To feel that about the whole country would be too much of a generalization. Of course there were people who were really vocal about it, but we don’t feel any sort of resentment. It’s in the past for us. We knew they were just primitive accusations. We did what it deserved – talked a bit about it, I volunteered to do the test, and they (the accusators) were sure it had to be false. It got ridiculous, so we just stopped talking about it. We want to talk about out music, our art. The rest is just meaningless.

Right now, LGBTQ rights are a hot topic both in Italy and in Poland. You mentioned freedom of being different and being yourself on several occasions. Do you think you can change the world on this matter as musicians?

D: Maybe not change the world, but we can definitely contribute. Speak the voice of those who can’t. We have a huge following on social media, on stage, on TV, so we feel responsibility to talk about what’s important to us. We hope that something will change because of us, but we don’t consider ourselves as the ones to set the standards of justice and change. We do what we can do, and if we know enough about it, we talk about it. We don’t want to put someone elses words into ours mouths.

[jodibodie]

I Have Some Feelings

To start let me just emphasize how much I love and adore this show and always will. This was my covid show. Both of my kids loved “Lucifer” and always said I should watch so at the start of covid I binged it and when I say binged, I mean all 4 seasons in a few days and have rewatched so many times I’ve lost count. I think it is timeless, engrossing, original and all around amazing. The writing and the cast were all excellent. The writing was smart and consistently strong and that is so rare.  Funny, sad, poignant, it hit all the notes with very few plot holes or missteps. There is not one episode in the entire series that was not engaging. Even if I didn’t like an episode, it was still well done. What a rarity.

The cast is scary good. Completely underrated. Just all phenomenally talented.  I don’t remember the last time a cast was this strong.  From the core group to both reoccurring and guest stars, the cast was just fantastic.  

Tom Ellis, no words.  The man deserves to choose whatever he wants to do acting wise. He should have people breaking down his door. He can truly do it all and do it all well. He took a character that if portrayed by a lesser actor could have come off as a complete asshole and made him one of the most sympathetic and loveable characters in recent history. Ellis made a crime solving devil, a promiscuous man-child that occasionally breaks into song and the evidence room into a beloved character that has become an icon.  

Lauren German, WOW.  She is just so damn good. She can break your heart one second and have you laughing the next. She makes Chloe real, and people don’t realize how hard that is. Chloe is smart, kind, tough and gorgeous but she’s also an insecure dork.  She’s us and German just brings it.  

DB Woodside I’ve loved since “Buffy”.  He is a phenomenal actor and who knew he could bring the laughs so well? His expressions were classic. Clueless angel indeed. Amenadiel could have been very one-dimensional but because of Woodside’s talent he became fully fleshed out and full bodied.  

I have no doubt Lesley-Ann Brandt has a huge career in front of her.  She took a character that very well could have been hated, a demon and made her into one of the most human characters on the show. Kudos to her for taking a tough role and making it her own.  

Kevin Alejandro is another actor I’ve loved for a long time.  He also took a character who if we’re going to be honest here did so many unlikeable things that he should have been truly despised but because of Kevin’s portrayal he was beloved. Great actor and a terrific director.

Rachael Harris IMO is the downlow MVP.  She was literally the rock and again, with a lesser actress the role could have been a throwaway. The normal human, the sounding board but Harris imbued her with so much more.  Her spit takes, sarcasm and her obvious compassion was what made Dr. Linda an unforgettable character. Once again just perfect casting.  

Aimee Garcia was a great addition. She made Ella a fan fav and put so much heart, joy and sincerity into Ella never once did you doubt that she would prevail no matter what was thrown at her.  Garcia was just fantastic, and I want her skin care regime.  

Scarlett Estevez pulled off the one thing I thought almost impossible.  She took the role of a young child and made it so I didn’t want to cringe. She portrayed Trixie so beautifully from day one that she was a true pleasure to watch.  Even though Trixie was super precocious Estevez never made her obnoxious. I loved Trixie and I have never said that about any child character in an adult show.  She was wonderful and has an amazing career in front of her.

That said, I’ve got some feelings now that I’ve seen the finale and have had some time to digest it all.  I love that Chloe and Lucifer had eternity and I agree that they had to be separated for Chloe’s lifetime. Didn’t like it but it’s the logical path. She’s human, he’s not. The ageing thing alone necessitated them not being together long term on earth and that’s just to start the list. They had to had to be apart for the short term to get their eternity but the duality of Lucifer's ending and Amenadiel's didn't sit right. Amenadiel as God got to have it all. His calling, his family etc. while Lucifer had to give up everything.  I also don’t buy the “If he came up from hell, he could never leave them again” defense.  I call bullshit.  Amenadiel managed, plus, missing out on the day to day is a huge sacrifice and by Lucifer missing out on the day-to-day Rory could still have had the hatred she needed to drive the story.  Popping in for birthdays, graduations, weddings, etc., the big stuff does not a father make.  Not being there for skinned knees, first heartbreaks, and all the little things a daughter needs her dad for can build up tons of resentment.  Boom, absentee father, just like his dad was. That provides all the millennial angel angst you could ask for. I have a daughter; it doesn’t take much.

The Trixie issue was huge for me. Can Chloe see her in Heaven? Will she be able to travel to Heaven and visit Trixie, Penelope, Dan, her father?  Chloe hesitated leaving Heaven in 5x16 because she couldn’t bear saying good-bye to her dad again. It seems as if Chloe sacrificed everything for Rory including Trixie. I want to preface this by saying. I liked Rory and loved the actress. I didn’t however like how it was as if she were their only child.  When Lucifer spoke of family Trixie was not mentioned. Their family day, the same thing. She didn’t need to be there, I get that the explanation regarding Rory would have been way too much to get into but just a mention of her, how awesome it would have been to share this day with her would have worked. It seemed as if Lucifer went from, “I would do anything to protect that little Urchin” to “Trixie who”. Trixie was a character that we watched grow up and she meant something to us. I hate to say this, but the writers did Trixie and the viewers dirty in this regard.

This show was built around a few premises.  Free will, honesty, redemption, sacrifice and family, both blood and made. The ending completely negated almost all of these.  Chloe and their entire family were made into the one thing Lucifer abhorred the most which are liars. Their daughter was brought up surrounded by lies. What did they tell Trixie?  The poor kid just lost her dad, and she was pissed at Lucifer when he went back to hell the first time. Did she grow up hating him because as far as she knew Lucifer left her mom again without saying good-bye and this time it was even worse because Chloe was pregnant.  I get that the actress who plays Trixie had limited availability but seriously. A quick good-bye.

“Hey Urchin, you won’t understand why for a long time, but I have to leave. You know I never lie so I can’t explain why but know that I love you and your mom and one day I hope you can forgive me.”  

A 30 second scene would have worked.

As all the characters learned throughout the series, omission of the truth is just a form of lying and there are always repercussions i.e., Chloe and Father Kinley, Dan shooting Lucifer, Maze finding out about Lilith and even Ella not being told. As far as free will, both Chloe and Lucifer had their free will taken from them in the end. By Rory forcing them to abide by her wishes, their free will was forfeited. It was a huge manipulation on Rory’s part and considering how much Lucifer hated manipulations it just didn’t sit right.

Parents making huge sacrifices I get. Chloe and Lucifer sacrificed everything for their child. Unfortunately for me this sacrifice, the way it was written seemed contrived to pull out maximum and IMO unjustified angst. I love angst.  Hell, this is my favorite show.  I thrive on the angst. But as I wrote earlier, all the anger, angst and hatred towards Lucifer could have been achieved without having Lucifer completely out of the picture. I have two kids and my husband, and I have made huge life altering sacrifices for them as many parents do but being there for the day-to-day little things was what made the difference in their lives and cemented the close relationships we have with them.

“Yeah, dad you were great. Showing up for the fun stuff, always swooping in for the big finish to play the hero then ditching us when things got tough. When Grandma was dying where were you?  Nice that you showed up for the funeral but the six months leading up to it…we needed you and once again you weren’t there. When T got sick, when Jen broke my heart, blah, blah, blah…”

Even the whole Chloe dying scenario. They could have written it that rage Rory traveled minutes before Lucifer got there. Have him pop in right after Rory comes back. There were so many ways to achieve the end game they wanted other than the way they went. It seemed contrived and as if they took the easy way out to get where they needed to go. The Rory rage that was the catalyst for her traveling back in time and Lucifer finding his calling could still have been accomplished without the whole Lucifer disappearing storyline.

Now that I’ve finished my diatribe there’s a couple of additional things I would like to say.  Lucifer is and always will be one of my favorite shows of all time. There are not enough words to describe the comfort and enjoyment this show has brought me. Thank you, thank you, thank you to the producers, cast and crew. You truly created something special.

To the fandom. Please do not let a polarizing conclusion rip apart the fandom. The only other fandom I was a part of tore itself apart so badly that the FBI got involved.  Hence why I waited for 15 years to dip my toe in again. Everyone invested in this show has the right to their feelings.  Debate is fine, baiting and bullying are not. The Lucifer fandom like the show is very special. Without the fandom we wouldn’t have gotten any conclusion so don’t let opposing viewpoints tarnish what has been a magical journey.  

[dongofthewolf]

Slowly Learning That Life Is Okay

Abby Anderson x Fem!Blind!Reader

Sweet sweet fluff about fear of intimacy where Abby rescues the reader and they unexpectedly become closer.

Requested by @rianncreates

Warnings: swearing, fluff, minor violence(?), cute gay shit :)

A/N: I am not visually impaired but I really tried my best to write a character whose lack of sight doesn't define them. I wanted to portray how our differences don't define us; we're all connected in a way (as cheesy as it may sound), and it makes me sad to see small things like not being able to hear/see divide us.

Ever since you were a kid, people have always had a hard time looking you in the eyes. Due to your condition, they appeared hazy and almost grey; something that made a lot of people uncomfortable. In fact, most people don’t even know it, but you can actually tell when someone is turning away so they don’t have to face you. There’s a certain recognizable sound when someone purposely looks away to avoid affording you the basic decency of eye contact, and it’s dehumanizing as fuck. It didn’t matter that you weren’t completely blind, it was enough that you were still alienated from the rest of the world. They didn’t see you as a person, to them you were your blindness–it defined you. It’s the reason people were afraid to interact with you, why kids were always so cruel to you, and why you always kept people at an arm's-length. That is, until you met Abby.

Abby was unlike anyone you had ever met; she was the first person who saw you—truly saw you. While most people knew her to be Isaac’s top scar killer, you knew her as the girl who tended to your wounds after she found you patrolling the city. She was the smell of pine and fresh rain that filled your senses, and her voice was like a soothing ailment when she calmly reassured you that everything would be fine. 

In the WLF infirmary, Abby never left your side. It’s not like your injuries were super severe or anything, but she stayed with you regardless. She wrapped your arms with fresh bandages when they needed changing, and got you desserts from the cafeteria using her connections to Isaac. After a few days, you quickly learned that the two of you had a lot in common and soon she was visiting you almost every day.

It’d been a month now and you’ve officially made the WLF stadium your new home. You and Abby were sitting in your room while she read to you with that same lovely voice. It had become a habit now; Abby had read to you in the infirmary, and ever since then she's been coming over so she can share all her favourite books with you. She was just starting a new chapter when you interrupted her. “Abby?”

Abby instantly stopped reading, and you could feel the bed shift as she sat up to face you. “What’s up?” 

“Can I ask you something?” You were nervous. Although she had been nothing but kind to you, you didn’t want to ruin what happened to be the closest friendship you’ve had in a really long time. 

You could hear her smiling as she answered. “Anything.”

You hesitated; you’d never normally do this with anyone else, but you trusted Abby. As you sat there contemplating your next words, Abby gently took your hand before continuing with that same reassuring tone she had used when you guys first met. “Hey, you know you can always talk to me right?”

Her hands were so warm. It was such a small detail that most people probably wouldn’t notice, but for some reason it was all you could think about in that moment. They were rough and calloused from years of combat but whenever she touched you, it was delicate and light. It was as if she was afraid that she would hurt you, even though you knew she never would. God, why can’t you think straight while she’s holding your hand like that? Fuck, it shouldn’t be that hard.

You struggled to get the words out, like something in your chest was weighing you down. “I just… I don't want things to change.”

“Hey, nothing you say could ever push me away. Okay?” Abby was softly caressing the top of your hand with hers as she set the book aside.

“I was wondering if I could…” Fuck, how were you supposed to say this? You paused trying to decide how to word it, but it still came out wrong. “feel your face?” 

Abby didn’t respond, and if she hadn’t been holding your hand then, you would’ve thought she had left. After waiting for what felt like a whole five minutes (but was probably closer to thirty seconds) you were starting to get nervous. “Abby? You still there?”

Your voice must have snapped her out of it because she responded immediately. “Yeah, sorry I just… I was expecting something a lot worse. Like you murdered some kittens or something.” 

You giggled at the sincerity in her voice, relief flooding through you. “Kittens? God Abby who the fuck do you think I am?”

“I don’t know! I thought you were admitting some deep dark secret.” Abby nervously laughed along with you, her hand never leaving yours. 

As you both settled down, Abby shakily brought your hand to her cheek, silently signalling to you that it was okay. You hesitantly caressed it, softly stroking the lines of her cheekbones with a smile on your face. Your hand then slowly moved up towards her forehead, your fingers tracing the scar above her eyebrow. The scar was thin like from a blade or a scrap piece of metal, and you couldn’t help but wonder how she had gotten the scar–wondered how many scars she had gotten after years of fighting in that senseless war. 

You’d never say it out loud because the WLF had saved your life, but the war with the Seraphites was unnecessary and quite frankly, useless. All of the so-called “sacrifices” being made for the sake of some fucking land was just stupid and greedy. 

You weren’t really a religious person–especially considering the whirlwind of shit you’ve been through–but if this whole virus was a result of some higher being thrusting humans into extinction? You couldn’t blame them. All these survivors were granted a second chance to better themselves, thousands of people by some miracle had survived the outbreak, only for them to revert back to the same tired, old ideology of war and power. You supposed that even after all these years, humans never really change.

Your fingers moved slowly back down, passing the bridge of her nose and her Cupid’s bow before reaching her lips. They were soft and parted slightly when you reached for them, but she still didn’t move.

Abby stayed incredibly still as you took your time feeling her face, exploring every crevice—every detail of her subtle features. You could feel a stray strand of hair hanging next to her face, so you lightly brushed it behind her ear before bringing your hands back down to rest on your lap. But before you could fully pull away, your hand brushed up against something rigid and stiff. It took you a moment before you realized that you were touching her huge bicep, and you were astonished at her strength. It also took you a minute before you realized that you were literally feeling up her muscles, causing a sudden heat to rush towards your cheeks as you quickly retrieved your hands. 

“Oh um… sorry I didn’t mean to- I mean I didn’t realize-” You tried to get the words out but you couldn’t. “Fuck this is awkward.”

Abby chuckled watching you get all flustered from touching her arms, and then out of nowhere it slipped out. “God you’re adorable.”

Then there was a pause, you weren’t sure you had heard her correctly but from the way her laughing suddenly came to a halt, you were sure she had just said what you thought she did.

“Uh, shit. I should… I should go.” Abby began standing up but before she could, you reached out and grabbed her arm. You pulled her towards you again, tracing your hand back towards her cheek as you gently cupped the side of her face with your palm.

“Don’t go.” Abby’s cheeks grew warm under your touch. You wanted more than anything to tell her how you feel–how you’ve felt for her since the moment you two had first met. 

After spending so much of your life consumed by this irrational fear of abandonment and intimacy, you had let someone in. You lowered the barrier that you had spent so long building because of her. And of course it was easy to assume that you liked Abby just because she was one of the only people you hung out with, but it wasn’t like that. Abby wasn’t like the rest of your friends or family because she was never overbearing; most people were quick to treat you like a child or some helpless creature, but she never did. She gave you space when you needed it, but she also never made you feel lonely. Her presence was calming and comforting. Abby gave so much and expected nothing in return.

The possibility that your feelings for her were reciprocated made your heart flutter, but it was also really scary. This was entirely new territory; relationships were never a priority for you by any means, especially since survival has always been your prime concern. But now that you’ve found asylum here with the WLF—with Abby, you were safe. You were free to live, free to enjoy the prospect of a somewhat normal life, and you better believe you were going to take full advantage of this newfound normalcy.

You leaned in towards Abby, your foreheads touching and your lips just millimeters apart. As you placed both of your hands on her cheeks, Abby stayed impossibly still as her nose softly grazed yours. Abby’s hands landed on top of yours as she held them against her face, securing them there like she was afraid you would leave. 

Then–as if it wasn’t the most terrifying thing ever–you kissed her. It was delicate and gentle, and you nearly cried because of how perfect it was. And although you had just felt her lips with your fingers, nothing compared to how they felt against yours. They were so soft you wanted to melt into them, and in that moment you nearly did. Your body involuntarily leaned into her, your arms falling against her broad shoulders in an effort to support yourself, before slowly moving to wrap around the back of her neck, pulling her even closer. All that built up tension from weeks of spending nearly every day together suddenly dissipated the moment you closed that gap, and those tears that had previously threatened to fall suddenly did. Small teardrops fell from both your eyes and wet your cheeks, causing Abby to pull back slightly as she wiped them with the pads of her thumbs. “What’s wrong?”

You gave her a small smile as you chuckled slightly. “Nothing, I just… I really like you Abby.”

As soon as the words fell out, Abby laughed softly before embracing you for a kiss once again. When the two of you finally pulled apart Abby spoke again with that same heavenly voice of hers. “I really like you too Y/N”

[alloftheimaginess]

Let me

Another part to what I’m calling my comfort song series. The song I was listening to while writing this is called Anchor by Novo Amor

"Wow. Under different circumstances, this would be totally awesome" Clint says as we look out of the window of the ship when we get to 2014 and I look around as he lands.

I follow them as we start the walk towards the mountains and I take in the scenery "you know it's kind of weird" I say.

"What's weird?" Clint asks.

"This is the year that I found out I had powers. So twelve year old me is currently somewhere blowing up a section of the public library" I say a smile on my face and they laugh.

"And we are on our way to find a twelve year old who blew up a section of the library without weapons" Nat says.

"I was so scared. I thought I was going to prison" I say.

"And look how much you've grown since then" Clint says.

"I know. It's crazy. But I have you two and Laura to thank for taking me in and showing me that I have nothing to be afraid of, that I should embrace who I am. I almost felt like I met Charles Xavier" I say and he smiles at me, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and pulling me close and I wrap my arm around his waist as we walk towards the mountains.

We start to climb the mountain and Natasha let’s put a huff "I bet the raccoon didn't have to climb a mountain" she says.

"Technically, he's not a raccoon, you know" Clint says.

"Technically he is" I say.

"Whatever. He eats garbage" she says and I laugh.

"Welcome" a voice says when we reach the top and Clint and Natasha pull their weapons out and my hands start to glow as we turn around and there's a floating man.

"Natasha, daughter of Ivan, Clint, son of Edith and Yn, daughter of Dn" he says.

"Who are you?" I ask.

"Consider me a guide. To you, and to all who seek the Soul Stone" he says.

"Oh, good. You tell us where it is. Then we'll be on our way" Natasha says.

"Ah, liebchen. If only it were that easy" he says leading us to a cliff and I look over getting an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach.

"What you seek lies in front of you as does what you fear" he says.

"The stone is down there" Natasha say also looking over.

"For one of you. For the other two in order to take the stone, you must lose that which you love. An everlasting exchange. A soul for a soul" he says.

"What?" I ask, my power going out as I mentally repeat what he just said and Nat leads me to a log and she sits me down and I look at them.

"A soul for a soul? He wants one of us to die?" I ask and she nods.

"Yeah I think he does" she says and I shake my head.

"No" I say.

"That can't be right. Why? What? Who thinks of this stuff?" I ask and she rubs my back as we sit in silence.

"How's it going?" Clint asks the guy chucking as he walks over to us.

"Jesus. Maybe he's making this shit up" he says.

"No. I don't think so" Nat says.

"Why because he knows your Daddy's name?" He asks.

"I didn't even know my dads name" I whisper.

"Thanos left here with the stone, without his daughter. It's not a coincidence" Nat says.

"Yeah" he says.

"Whatever it takes" Nat says.

"Whatever it takes" he says and Nat stands up.

"Tasha what are you doing?" I ask.

"If we don't get that stone, billions of people stay dead" she says rubbing my cheek and she smiles at me and I stand up as she turns to Clint.

"Then I guess we both know who it's gotta be" he says.

"I guess we do" Natasha says.

"What? No. What are you guys talking about?" I ask my voice cracking.

"Yn this doesn't concern you" Nat says.

"Yes it does, you're obviously trying to sacrifice yourselves and expect me to just sit here quietly" I say.

"Because you aren't going to do anything so go sit on the log while we work this out" he says and he grabs Natasha's hand and she squeezes it.

"I'm starting to think we mean different people here, Natasha" he says.

"Duh" I say and they both look at me.

"Stop, please just stop. Can we think about this for a second?" I cry.

"For the last five years I've been trying to do one thing. Get to right here, that's all it's been about bringing everybody back. You guys I have to do this" she says holding her hand out to me and I stare at it.

"Oh, don't you get all decent on me now" he says and she grabs my hand.

"What, you think I wanna do it? I'm trying to save your both of your lives, you idiot" she says looking at him.

"Yeah, well, I don't want you to, because I-Natasha, you know what I've done. You know what I've become" Clint says.

"I don't judge people on their worst mistakes" she says.

"Maybe you should" he says.

"You didn't" she says.

"Just because of your past choices doesn't mean you guys have to die to make up for it" I sob and they look at me.

"Yn please just let me do this" Clint says and I shake my head pulling my hand away from Natasha.

"I'm not about to stand here and listen to you guys go back and forth over which one of you is going to die" I say.

"I agree with Yn" Natasha says and he sighs.

"You're a pain in my ass, you know that?" He asks and she smiles.

"Okay. You win" he says smiling and knocks Natasha to the ground and I jump from the sudden attack.

"Tell my family I love them" he says holding her down and she flips them over so he's on his back and she's standing up.

"You tell them yourself" she says electrocuting him and she runs towards the cliff and he gets up and shoots an explosive arrow knocking her down and I glare at them and they both freeze in place.

"What the hell is wrong with you two?" I ask and I walk in front of them.

"I'm not about to let you do this. Clint you have a family who loves you and Natasha you deserve to live, you deserve to be happy. Who cares if you made mistakes you are the only person who I know who is truly worth a redemption. Neither of you have to make up for your crimes because you've done it ten fold already, you are the most amazing people I know and I know a lot of people" I say backing towards the cliff.

"Yn stop" Clint says trying to grab me but he can't and I shake my head and I close my eyes and when I open them they are white.

"Yn" Natasha says.

"No" I say sending them flying back and the vines from the cracks wrap around them.

"I'm not letting either of you die when you deserve so much" I say.

"Yn calm down and think this through. You haven't even lived your life. You're only twenty one years old" Clint says and I nod.

"Which is perfect because I don't have roots, I don't have lifelong friendships, a family. I'm on my own and always have been. I'm not letting you guys kill yourself and not even consider me an option, I'm an adult. I'm going to do it, I’m going to do it for you and the billions of people that didn’t get the choice that I have" I say closing my eyes again and I picture all of the avengers and I send a messages to them.

"You guys have been my family since the first time I met you. I was only twelve and struggling with my powers but you guys took me in and you helped me and I couldn't have asked for a better family but none of you deserve to die. You guys are the avengers. Thank you for everything ever single one of you have done for me, for a girl who was given up and forgetting about none of you will ever really know how much that meant to me. I love you all so much"

"Yn get out of our head and knock it off. You aren't about to kill yourself" Natasha says.

"Yes I am" I say.

"I love you guys" I say and I take a step back and I hear Natasha scream for me as I fall.

"Where's Yn. We got her message?" Steve asks as soon as they all meet back up.

"She used her powers against us. One of us we're supposed to die to get the stone and Clint and I were going back and forth and we got close and she froze us in place and we couldn't do anything but watch. She was only a kid" she cries and Clint pulls her into his arms as the rest of them look on in sorrow.

“Did everyone get their stone?" she asks looking up, a new fire in her eye.

"Yes" Tony says, a silence falling over the group as they realize they have lost the girl that was like a daughter to them.

"Then let's do this" she says walking off.