#but yeah there's an angry little girl in me that resents the people who make happy videos about their dad

[apostate-in-an-alcove]

Don't get me wrong, I would never actually wish an abusive, neglectful father on anyone but some days I really hate people who have a good, healthy relationship with their dad.

[sozzledjuja]

me ranting about what i need to see in season 3

(yeah, it's pretty long)

The important/plot twists/character development

Iris and Praxina being the focal points of the season

Remember, Praxina was created to be an anti-Iris, so there’s no better season than this one to explore that. 

Main conflict: Praxina is convinced Iris is responsible for Mephisto’s death (Iris didn’t kill Mephisto, it was a culmination of events that led to it, but Praxina needs a scapegoat, someone to dump her anger and grief on, because she can’t cope with loss in a healthy, non-destructive way). So, she is set on making Iris lose the people she cares about (Nathaniel, and also probably her friends), to make her feel the way she does.

The vision I have for these two in season 3 is that their actions will be correlated, each making the other do unspeakable things over accumulated resentment and hurt and grief, in a vicious cycle. Then somewhat meet in the middle at the end. Maybe…

Iris becoming more and more paranoid

Iris getting nervous everytime she sees a butterfly, for example. Very worried that she’s going to lose Nathaniel, her friends, her parents, or Ellira, at any moment. Makes her sometimes not be very rational. 

Maybe it will affect her relationship with Nathaniel too. Maybe she’ll think that in order to keep him safe from Praxina, she has to distance herself from him.

BECAUSE I WANT THIS GIRL TO GET SOME ARC TOO. Allow her to be angry, do questionable things, be flawed, be scared.

Guilt over Mephisto’s death

This one is for both Iris and Praxina. 

Because while Iris doesn’t have much to do with Mephisto’s death, I don’t doubt that part of her will start doubting it, wondering if everything that’s happening is, in fact, her fault. 

And Praxina, who didn’t appreciate her brother while he was right there next to her, finally realizing how much she actually needed him. You know what they say, you only truly appreciate someone after you lose them. AND THE GUILT-

More interactions between Iris and her parents

I just really really want this. And to learn more about the King and Queen of Ephedia. Because it has so much potential for added inner conflict inside Iris’ head. 

Because if you really think about it, the King and Queen of Ephedia are just strangers to her, who just so happened to be her birth parents. But weren’t the ones who raised her, who were there for her her whole life. Ellira was.

Not that it’s their fault. Not at all. They made a sacrifice to keep her safe. I know they would’ve done anything to see their little girl grow up. And Iris knows this, and I think, for a while, she’s going to feel a bit guilty for seeing Ellira as more of a parental figure than them. 

Also, I feel like Iris’ parents would never resent Ellira for this, but I do think they will be a little hurt. 

Iris attempting and failing to balance her Earth life with her Ephidean one

Because she will definitely be going back and forth between the two worlds, trying to keep everything balanced. Her social life with her friends on Earth, her relationship with Nathaniel, the band, her princess duties, the rebuilding of Ephedia, royal ceremonies, etc…

And if she had trouble before, I can’t imagine now.

Iris not being sure if she wants to become the future queen of Ephidea

Let’s face it. It was all really pretty and fun while they had the goal to defeat Gramorr and free Ephidea. No need to think about what would happen next, because even that was a big “if”. 

Now, Iris is finally gonna have to come to terms with the fact that she is THE future heir to the throne, But is she even fit to lead a whole kingdom? Does she even want to? Won’t that mean she’ll have to leave her Earth life behind? Nathaniel?

The King and Queen not approving of Iris’ relationship with Nathaniel

Not because they dislike him, or simply because he is human (they don’t seem like that kind of people), but because they want to protect their daughter from getting hurt. Not from him. But from having to inevitably let him go eventually. Again, she is the future queen. She has responsibilities on Ephidea, not on Earth.

Also, there’s this whole question line of “do ephideans live longer than earthlings?”. Because I feel like that's also relevant to this point.

Praxina slowly descending into madness (bonus points if physical corruption)

Her madness trip should be a linear thing, getting worse and worse each episode. 

More towards the end PLEASE fuck up her face a bit. Not necessarily permanently but like- I wanna see this girl with one side of her face corrupted with dark magic (we saw Gramorr underneath the mask), eyes red, going full eldritch abomination mode.

Her crying while laughing hysterically and maniacally AT LEAST ONCE please please.

Also, not to be that person, but she’s gonna be so hot that season, istg I’m not prepared.

What the fuck is up with those butterflies?????

Imma be real rn. I’m begging for the creators NOT to pull a Hawkmoth on Praxina. Let the butterflies be spies only, there’s no need for much else. If they make the butterflies mind control people, I'm gonna lose it. This isn’t miraculous 2.0.

Iris’ Shanilla form going batshit on Praxina/Big Final Battle

Because if Praxina does manage to kill someone or several people Iris loves, even if only temporarily (yall know this show is for kids, no one's dying permanently - though it would be cool to see a darker narrative), Iris is gonna lose it, and I expect a full dark shanilla mode. Going absolutely off the rails on Praxina, and then having an “oh shit, what am I doing?” moment.

Banes being shady and the true mastermind aka Final Boss

I want to see the build up to this, how he stays in Praxina’s shadow and “helps” her, making her feel like she’s in control, when she’s not.

And I fully believe Banes had his eye on her even before Gramorr was defeated. Not long before, but when there was only one gem left to complete the crown of Ephedia, and he started to suspect Gramorr’s chances at winning were slim, he definitely started to plot his next “puppet”.

Zenavion/Banes?????

Zenavion was mentioned once, but whyyyy??? My guess is that Banes is Zenavion. Or belonged to Zenavion/was his creation. But I’m leaning more towards the first one. Maybe he got himself turned into an entity of dark magic after years of meddling with power he shouldn’t have, leaving him stuck in that feline form with only a fraction of the power he once had? Sounds super interesting and would make for a great Final Boss.

What is his goal? Maybe to return to his full power and autonomy? Maybe he needed the power of the crown of Ephedia for that. 

That would explain why he picked Gramorr, who was in the same circles as the royal family, at the time.

Also Praxina blaming Iris, the princess of Ephedia, and future heir to the throne, for her brother’s death, and blaming her for it? Also very convenient that she was a young girl who had just lost her only support, and was completely alone and vulnerable. Easy to manipulate.

Gramorr’s backstory

I need it. For someone who was the main villain for two whole seasons, he sure got no depth at all. Which was kinda disappointing. Hope this season clears everything up. 

Perhaps Banes manipulated him and he never realized it? What were his initial motivations? His past? Also what was the deal with him and the royal family? With Morgane? I bet all those people have a lot to say and explain about him.

The mask

I’m sure Zenavion created it, centuries ago. I want to know how it works, how much it controls the user, how fast it corrupts them, why it was created in the first place, and how it ended up in Gramorr’s hands in the first place.

Also wouldn’t it be so cool if the current user of the mask had access to the memories of the previous users??? That way we could get Gramorr’s backstory through Praxina, like YES.

The yellow gem thingie????

The gem in Gramorr’s hand that was pierced by Iris in the finale, is now on Praxina’s chest. Do with that information what you will.

Big Betrayal moment between Banes and Praxina

Gramorr/Praxina parallels

Cause it’s inevitably gonna happen. Maybe he promises her a way to bring Mephisto back. But it’s all a ploy to get her to do horrible things for him, to allow him to return to his true form, and has nothing to do with Mephisto.

Girl is gonna be played big time. 

Because now they’re kinda connected, with Praxina being manipulated by Banes the same way Gramorr probably was, in the past. And both ultimately got betrayed by him.

Praxina getting a long deserved reality-check

Because as much as I love her, she needs someone to spew some hard truths on her. It IS her fault. She IS a bad person, and a bad sister. And in order to get redeemed, she needs to confront that.

Izira’s medallion????

Anyone remember how the one object with immense power and the ability to TURN BACK TIME literally fell down a cliff during the final battle with Gramorr? Because I sure do. 

And this could be a super irrelevant thing, but I do think it’s interesting that it fell in roughly the same place where Mephisto would have (hypothetically wink wink). 

Don’t know what they’d do with this necessarily, but it has the potential to be a very important plot point.

Mephisto being alive (duhhhh)

As long as it’s not shown from the beginning. I feel like Praxina’s whole arc would be much more satisfactory if he was only revealed to be alive, halfway through the season or later, in the very end. Note that when I say “revealed to be alive”, I mean, to us, the people watching the show, not to Praxina. She should only know this at the end of the season. For the plot.

Mephisto donning the scars and maybe some type of disfiguration on the side of his body that took the blast. It would make sense for him to be able to teleport, but the half of his body that was leaning more towards the energy source took most of the blow).

Mephisto having his own mini character arc, away from the main conflict

He probably needs to heal from the blast, and that would be hard for him, both physically and mentally. If part of his face/body gets “burned” by the blast, my boy is definitely not gonna take it like a champ at first.

Also, I’ve said this before, but I don’t think he’d go look for Praxina immediately after he’s doing better. Not because he doesn’t care about her, or doesn’t miss her, but because he thinks she doesn’t need him and is better off without him.

Iris (finally) telling Nathaniel the truth

I’d like to see him struggle with something like this, maybe meet some new characters and form connections with other people. It’s a great opportunity for him to mature and learn who he really is, outside of Gramorr’s or his sister’s shadow. An opportunity to atone for his mistakes, and make up for it. He was, and a lot of people forget, a war criminal.

Sibling reunion

I want tears and a proper hug, and Praxina completely falling apart. Bonus points if she doesnt want to believe it's actually him at first, because that would be too good to be true. They're both fucked up, both physically and mentally, but they're together at last.

And him NOT forgetting it right afterwards.

Everything that is important but isn’t necessary for the plot

THE TWINS’ BACKSTORY

We all know this is the one thing that actually matters. And I will lose my shit when it does. 

Gimme them happy flashbacks followed by the deadly pain.

And this needs to be a WHOLE episode worth of flashbacks. Like a whole flashback episode. They deserve that much.

Also who the hell is Pappy?

Mephisto’s staff!!!

Unimportant but uhh, if it’s so powerful, a lot could be done with it. And it’s probably still in the cave hideout. Praxina could get her hands on it.

Also how did he get it in the first place?

Explanation of the magic system

Worldbuilding/Ephidea lore

I want this so badly. I wanna meet more kingdoms, see how they look, what other colors represent them, the cultures, the people, etc…

I’m a sucker for this, and no one can deny that they got confused as fuck when the supposed “voice-based” powers, only actually matter in the first episode and then got dropped completely. Yeah, I know, the writers probably forgot. But please just make up a convenient connection to fill in that plot hole. This show needs to fix these damn plot holes.

Ephidea still very much being in shambles, and in need of rebuilding

Cause it can’t be that easy to put a whole planet back on track after a 15+ year old war, neither physically nor politically.

I wanna see meetings between all kingdom leaders, discussions on how to proceed, the release of war prisoners, etc… 

Oh, and the imprisonment and persecution of any of Gramorr’s former associates.

Backstory on how Talia and Auriana first met

I need it. And also an explanation on why they were the ones chosen to go to Earth, and find and train Iris, and WHO chose them for that mission exactly. 

Also, how did they even know Iris was on Earth? Fix these plot holes fr.

More of Auriana’s family

HELL YEAH 32 SISTERS. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, CHARACTER DESIGNERS. 

No, because I really need to meet them, and see what their dynamic is like. Also more of Jodan please. And their parents.

Also, the 34 children cannot be all fully blood related, can they? CAN THEY?

What happened to Talia’s parents? 

We haven’t seen them ever, so I’m assuming they’re dead.

More Izira

I just need more of her in general.

Also, she’s the heir to the throne of Xeris, and if her parents are dead, she is gonna have to fill it.

I fully expect an Izira coronation episode. Just imagine, new outfits for everyone.

The less important/cameos/things i wanna see just for funsies

New daily outfits

And I mean this in a “completely drop the old ones” kinda way. Not because I don’t like them, but because I feel that, with all that’s changing in the show, now that the same formulaic plot has finally broken, the outfits should also change. To indicate a new era of sorts.

New songs/new concert outfits, etc…

Me like it.

Talia’s ghost powers

They just dropped this plot point like; whatt????

I just want a little more light in this. Some Talia backstory as well, because we know she was bullied for it when she was a kid.

Also, I wanna meet the only other princess with this ability.

Have Talia and Praxina met before the start of the show???

It’s been pointed out several times that Praxina seems to know an awful lot about Xeris, and even possesses some Xerian artifacts and scrolls. Why and how did she get her hands on it? And it would make sense if Mephisto also seemed to know these things, but he doesn’t.

Also, they seem to have some underlying tension. Which could be simply because- well, they’re on opposite sides and hate each other?? Would be perfectly plausible. Or maybe they’ve met each other before. How and when? I wouldn’t know.

A musical episode???

Because wdym you have all these talented voice actors that sang in My Little Pony, and fucking BARBIE (don’t forget Praxina IS Barbie. They have the same voice actress), and never once have we heard ANY of them sing with their actual voices. 

Also it would be so fun for a change. Please, just one, I’m begging you.

A little more of Carissa and Lyna

Hear me? A little. Not a lot. 

I know a lot of people love them, and so do I, but I really don’t want them to join the gang permanently. Definitely not join the band. This ain’t winx club.

Jk, but actually I’m not.

Still, I do want to learn a bit more about them, some backstory insights, their families, how they met each other, etc…

What happened to Lev?

Is he actually dead? Or did he manage to escape and joined the resistance? I just need some confirmation.

Because if he is alive, he’s gonna be helping rebuild Ephidea for sure. It's gonna be interesting to see the dynamic he’s gonna have with Iris, in this scenario.

But just like with Lyna and Carissa, to me, personally, he is not a priority.

I would love for these characters to be explored more if there was a fourth season, but I just feel like, in season 3, there are just so many more important things to touch upon, and so many new things happening, that too many unnecessary details would make it lose impact.

A “Raffle Daffle” twins’ cameo

Just a small one. For funsies. They kinda just disappeared after that one episode (and thank god for that, because I hated them)

Kyle (blergh)

Please make him disappear. Or at least end things between them. Or end whatever there is between them. I’m not even asking for a big dramatic moment, just a “oh, this isn’t gonna work out” blah blah blah.

Or, you know, just him not showing up at all and everyone forgetting about him.

[scoobydoodean]

Do you think John ever used to hit Sam and Dean? If so do you think he hit one of specifically or do you think he hit the both of them?

I don't think there's any solid evidence that John hit Sam and Dean. Some people do believe he did at least a few times (maybe when he was drinking—see: 7.03). I can't think of anything that I believe would 100% confirm John hit either of them.

I can think of three episodes that might imply Dean was occasionally physically abused by John:

1.14 "Nightmare": Dean's "All things considered". Haunting little set of screencaps.

5.16 "Dark Side of the Moon": This one is mainly down to jacting joices. When the brothers enter Sam's memory of running away to Flagstaff, Dean gets upset as Sam's lack of memory of the ramifications. Dean says "Well, you don’t remember, do you? You ran away on my watch. I looked everywhere for you. I thought you were dead. And when Dad came home…" The look Dean gives on that last line tends to stick with people.

9.07 "Bad Boys": In the scene where Dean and Sonny first meet, Dean has finger-shaped bruises all over his wrists. Sonny first asks if the deputy harmed Dean, then asks if it was John. Dean says it was a werewolf, but that story doesn't necessarily make sense either.

Another suggestive hint comes from young Sam in 7.03 "Girl Next Door":

YOUNG AMY Yeah, well, she [my mom] has a temper. Sometimes. It's... no big deal. YOUNG SAM My dad does, too. You don't want to see him when he's drinking.

Sam doesn't necessarily understand the implication of physical abuse in this scene, but he later finds out that Amy's mother is physically abusive toward Amy. We also knew that John had a drinking problem long prior to 7.03. Sam in particular resents this to the point of making several references to John's excessive drinking in 1.01 inside his apartment building. He says John's probably just "Working overtime on a Miller Time shift", then tells Jess that John's probably somewhere with "Jim, Jack, and Jose” (these are all brands of alcohol for anyone unfamiliar).

While 7.03 seems potentially damning, Sam explicitly denies that John physically abused him in 1.14 "Nightmare". When confronted with Max's extensive physical abuse, he ends the episode being thankful that they had John instead of some other dad who might not have coped as well:

Well, it coulda gone a whole other way after Mom. A little more tequila and a little less demon hunting and we woulda had Max's childhood. All things considered, we turned out ok. Thanks to him.

One might also consider how Sam responds to hearing about abusive relationships in 1.14 and 2.17 with Max and Madison respectively. He asks Max why he didn't just leave when the abuse continued into his adulthood, and suggests that he doesn't see Madison as the type to be caught up in an abusive relationship (questions that do make one wince, yeah...)

My own thinking is the following: I don't think there's anything wrong with exploring the idea that physical abuse did occur. I think John's well-documented neglect is enough child abuse for me personally. I think 1.14 probably rules out John hitting Sam (but one could argue otherwise). I think some incidents can be used to suit the narrative that John hit Dean, but I don't find any of the hints we're given are concrete proof of physical abuse.

1.14's "All things considered" line might be interpreted as a convincing suggestion that Dean suffered physical abuse, but it also might just represent Dean slowly trading places with Sam over the season as the John Defender, as he becomes more and more angry with their father (especially considering 1.14 comes after both of Dean's pleas for help went unanswered in 1.09 and 1.12, and 1.11 where he says he wishes he could stand up to John).

5.16 comes down to a look that, at the end of the day, could be interpreted a multitude of ways (and if I think about it... it seems to me that words would haunt Dean more at that point in his life than fists).

It seems to me that 9.07 might actually rule out John being responsible for Dean's injuries. John had been gone on a hunt when Dean got caught for stealing, leaving Sam and Dean behind at a motel. John had been gone long enough for Dean to risk gambling to try and get more cash. This suggests John had been gone for a while, meaning Dean and John probably hadn't been in the same room for a while. This also means I'm not sure if I buy Dean's story about a werewolf though (John was on a Rugaru hunt. Dean wasn't with him).

[dootznbootz]

Uhh, just a little question? What don't we like about MM's Circe exactly? I haven't read the book yet and all the bad reviews just kinda... Call the book bad- Which I understand ofc, I just wanna know what the exact issue is cause I'm kinda a Greek mythology nerd- and I don't wanna read it if it does my wife girl Circe dirty! 😤 (Nor anyone else for that matter)

So I'm going to preface this by saying I have not read the book. Just snippets. As I know that reading it would be bad for me.

I also love Circe! I love her as her morally gray, Odysseus scaring, "turns people into animal for funsies", potion making self. Andddd that...doesn't match the Circe MM's stuff from what I know :'(

For one thing, it's a very girlbossy "Only women who act a certain way are 'good'." and making it so that every morally gray or "unkind" thing Circe has done was actually because "everybody is so mean to her" 🥺

"Circe didn't turn Odysseus' men into pigs just for funsies, they were trying to rape her and her nymphs. She didn't turn Scylla into a monster outta jealousy, she did it because Glaucus and her were bullying Circe. Everybody is just so so mean to Circe and she girlbosses her way and even stands up to Zeus😤"

like no, she's a goddess and does what she wants. That's what makes her fun and interesting. Why does she need a reason?

Also it just adds rapes and shit that never happened. Why on earth would you want to add that? Especially with Circe, a woman who does not have to go through that in mythology? From what I've heard as well, it's a pretty violent scene. :'(

It makes many of the other gods out to be heartless. Helios and Hermes for example. And Odysseus?? oof :') Like in the Odyssey, she is very much the one with the power, not Odysseus. And Odysseus loves his family more than anything. That's literally the core of his character.

It has her have Telegonus which...yeah. Fuck the Tele-GONE-y. Personally, I think it ruins everyone's character. I personally cannot see Circe as a mother. And especially in the novel, it uh, makes her resent her son. ;~;

Honestly, my biggest warning would be the violence depicted and the angry girlbossing. It butchers many of mythological figures in order to fit into it's own narrative, which to me, ruins a retelling from the start.

[julyourwitch]

~ 𝕎𝕖𝕝𝕔𝕠𝕞𝕖 𝕥𝕠 𝕞𝕪 𝕨𝕚𝕥𝕔��𝕪 𝕓𝕝𝕠𝕘 ~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My name is Agathi but you can call me Julie or Jul (these are my nicknames that I use for a long time, my old nicknames are kinda embarrassing XD)

I'm from Greece 🇬🇷 The most beautiful and unique country!

(Some people had passed me as Bulgarian/Russian/German girl idk why maybe it's because of my skin and my face/characteristics 😆😆)

Anyways! I'm 21 and my major is cooking,although I don't like it much or hate it, just yk kinda boring (?) Well sometimes bad decisions can bring you good opportunities or chances in your future! Soooo, my fave color is black, green and shades of green, gray, brown etc 🤎🖤🤍💚

My big 3 are: ☀️♐ ⬆️♉ 🌙♏

And now the most important and lovely part of me!

.

.

.

When I was 5-6 yo I had a terrible "accident" (not me but the little boy who were with me and I was in front of this "accident ")and after this incident... A lot of things had happened in my whole life till so far.

I used to feel, sense, sometimes with blurred vision shadows, souls, spirits and most of them were powerful for me as a young Julie who didn't know a shit about these thingies 🤪

Soooo after all these things, incidents, situations etc in 2015-2016 I started learning from my mom how to do readings aka past-future-present reading with the playing cards! (My mom also is spiritual and we got this gift from her dad) so I was constantly learning and learning and learning (only what she feels I couldn't even see the numbers or smth). In 2018-2019 had the worst experiences ever, when I say the worst I mean THE WORST. it was the first time that I was so hurt, broken emotionally and betrayed from a friendship back then I thought I loved. Yeah sure some people take a small/part piece from your heart with them and it's totally fine. I had- I was too close to have depression. And no it's not the "omg I'm so sad, I can't this I can't do that" it's more like" bed, always in bed not even thoughts, not even emotions, everything was meaningless for me, my windows always closed not even be able to see if it's day or not,in bed with the same position every day/night.not even go to pee, take a shower nothing. I was like" Nothing matters, it's just another day or night. " not even hungry. For almost a year.

AFTER THIS SHIT THO I HAD MY 1ST SPIRITUAL AWAKENING LIKE IT WAS PRETTY CRAZY AND POWERFUL FOR MY HEART/SOUL.

For real I had HAD the urge to live, to survive, to feel again, I started crying out of nowhere, crying constantly for 4 hours (yeah it's a lot) and from 2020 till now I can say..

I'm so grateful for everything, for my journey that was tough and hard for me, for real when they say"with the pain comes the courage and strength after" hits different. I am grateful and thankful for every moment that has made me struggle, hurt, cry, be angry, resent, be disappointed, withdraw, fear, hesitate, shout, judge, exclude, censor. And yet difficulties and heavy emotions make you more dynamic, powerful, more prepared, more mature and rational/ logical. Because you know you'll meet them(vicious cycle of emotions) again and that's why life is beautiful and special. each of us is fighting for HIS own life alone. That's why we entered this human body to learn a lot, to live a lot, to understand a lot, to understand a lot,to experience a lot, but above all there is no such thing as forgiveness.

(This long text may hurt your eyes guys I'm sorry 😭😭)

I wanted to let you know that this is me, you can always ask me questions if you want to learn more about me and that you matter, you're loved, you're amazing, you're wonderful and pretty soul, so gentle and kind. Your existence for me is a gift and every existence is important and gift for everyone.

I deeply love you, with my whole heart. 🖤✨

[rainsparks29]

Overanalysing Mela's Ace

Last night I wound up thinking about Mela’s rematch team, and specifically her ace, Armarouge. Overanalysing has let me gain a deeper appreciation of her character, and I wanna ramble about it here a little.

In the Starfall Street story, Mela is visited by a Charcadet nicknamed Charlos who she used to play with at the academy. She was close enough with him that, a year and a half later, she still recognises him and can tell what he’s thinking just by watching his flame. Mela also trains other Charcadet, and we know she evolved multiple to power the Starmobiles.

It’s safe to say that Mela has an affinity with the Charcadet line, or at the very least, the game draws a connection between her and the line more than it does with most other trainers and specific Pokémon.

Yet, despite this, Mela’s initial team only consists of Torkoal and her Starmobile. There’s a strange absence of Charcadet for someone who is largely characterised as ‘angry Charcadet girl’. But it’s actually really clear as to why when you look at her rematch team.

Mela’s ace is an Armarouge. This, on its own, doesn’t sound very notable. It’s a fire-type, a gen 9 Pokémon (every Team Star boss bar Penny has a new Pokémon as their ace), fits her colour scheme… No problem. But what makes this interesting is that her ace is not a Pokémon she had on her team previously.

In every other rematch, the boss’ ace is a Pokémon (or evolved form) that they used during the story. Even Giacomo, who, like Mela, only has one regular Pokémon on his initial team - Pawniard - evolves it and has Kingambit as his ace. (Side note - it has Defiant, not Supreme Overlord, which is really funny to me. As though they purposefully nerfed him because he’d always send it out last. The reverse Geeta.)

Anyway, that implies their aces are all Pokémon they’ve known for a long time, and love and trust most of any of their team. It would imply Mela knew her Armarouge longer than other new additions to her team, despite not having a Charcadet on her initial team…

Her Armarouge is Charlos. And it’s all but intentional, too. Why else wouldn’t she have a Charcadet in her first battle, if not solely to show us the Armarouge she eventually uses is not some random Pokémon she already owned, but the very one who tracked her down because it was worried about her? Mela went back to school, reunited with Charlos, and added him to her team. It’s adorable.

Now, I’m sure some people are reading this and thinking, well, yeah, that’s obvious. Which is fair enough. But I’ve got a little more to say. Because Charlos is a Charcadet in the story, and Charcadet has two evolutions. It’s a split evolution depending on whether you use the Malicious (intending or intended to do harm) or Auspicious (conducive to success) Armor.

Ceruledge’s Violet entry: An old set of armor steeped in grudges caused this Pokémon’s evolution. Ceruledge cuts its enemies to pieces without mercy.

Armarouge’s Scarlet entry: Armarouge evolved through the use of a set of armor that belonged to a distinguished warrior. This Pokémon is incredibly loyal.

Mela uses an Armarouge in both versions, despite no major character using a Ceruledge on their team. Which makes me ask, why? Why not change based on the version, or have both on her team, if she’s so heavily associated with the Charcadet line?

Well, if Charcadet evolve based on the emotions imbued into the items you use…

Mela has an Armarouge, not a Ceruledge, because post-game, she’s grown and changed. Her anger and attitude were a defence mechanism against the bullying she faced, but she’s in a better position now. She’s letting go of old grudges and resentment that define Ceruledge and instead embracing being a strong trainer and loyal friend. 

As a character so closely linked with the Charcadet line, the traits of both evolutions have strong parallels with Mela - until the post-game, where she only has an Armarouge, because she’s in a better place, and she’s healing.

Or maybe a Gamefreak employee just thought the colour palette suited her better. Who knows.

[period-dramallama]

Review: Legacy by Susan Kay, Prologue-2.1

So Legacy is a big book so rather than keep y’all waiting while I drown in notes, I’m going to read a third of the book, review it, then read the next third and review that, and so on.

Let’s go girls.

If I were to theorise, I would say that I think Susan Kay is a perfectionist. She has written 2 novels, both award winning, and the second one was 32 years ago. I don’t think it’s the case that she had only one novel in her and never had ideas again. I imagine that she’s had ideas since Phantom but they’re not brilliant enough in her eyes to be worthy of penning. I could be completely wrong. There is something alluringly mysterious about dropping 2 award winning books in 6 years and then vanishing from the public eye. Not even twitter. Well done, Ms Kay. Well done. What a legend.

I wonder if she knew she would only write one Tudor novel, because there’s so many ideas squashed in here. It’s like a compilation of Every Idea About The Tudor Period I Have Ever Had. Lots of ideas here that would make for interesting novellas or novelettes, like Henry’s relationship with Elizabeth.

There’s an exchange when Elizabeth says Mary had freedom of conscience under Edward and Mary is like “yeah because I’m right and I would have died for it” SOMEBODY was watching Elizabeth R episode 1 lmao.

Characterisation

The relationship between Henry and Elizabeth is slightly mesmerising. He hates and fears her, she’s defiant, but he also wishes she were his son- that his son and heir had her personality. No evidence that Henry was ever disappointed with Edward- why would he be? He’s an impressive kid!

John Dudley’s lack of sentiment regarding his father’s fate and his own career makes an interesting contrast with Robin and Elizabeth who really can’t escape the shadows of their parents. There’s emphasis on the trauma of Katherine Howard’s execution and the necessity of Ashley at her side.

Tom Seymour is well-characterised. He’s a snob. There’s an element of punishment in his harassment of Elizabeth: the desire to essentially ‘take her down a peg’. There’s jealousy and anger fuelling his actions: anger at Elizabeth for rejecting him and thereby revealing him as an old has-been, not as his ego image. He’s jealous of her charming younger people, but he’s also hypocritical in his jealousy. He claims women are possessive, but he’s angry at her flirting with others. Elizabeth beats him with a pillow and tries to kick him- an excuse for a release of the repressed anger and helplessness she feels- ‘socially unacceptable emotions’ as well as resentment of him. Her pent up rage is better captured than in BE. The narrative keeps calling him her lover (SHUT UP ABOUT THE LORD ADMIRAL! SHUT UP ABOUT THE LORD ADMIRAL!) but it’s obvious there’s no love for her at all. He blames her for tempting him, slaps her, calls her a bitch: “the girl’s a natural guttersnipe at heart.” He describes his past girlfriends as “an enchanting but decidedly inferior breed.” He can’t handle how Elizabeth makes him feel emasculated.

I like Ned Seymour’s haunting scene with Elizabeth even if ‘remember me when you are queen” is a bit unrealistic. More useful to Elizabeth’s arc than whatever their relationship was in BE, which was similar, but not as punchy. Here we get a clear lesson that she can take from Eddie S. Cecil’s bond with Elizabeth is also pretty neat.

Justice for Amy! They’re such dicks to her. At least Kay acknowledges Elizabeth’s bitchier side, and she and Robert are still interesting characters, so I wouldn’t say it detracts from the overall story. We get a sense of Elizabeth’s magnetism. I like her compulsive need to lie to Mary out of mental one up-manship.

A little bit too much credit to Simon Renard as Mary’s evil genius. Like he’s the one that suggests bringing back burning…girl, you KNOW as queen you can change the law back. I do like the very very dark comedy of “murdering  Elizabeth wouldn’t be murder, it would be exorcism.”

Tone

Elizabeth vomiting on Mary’s litter out of SPITE. I live for this kind of thing. A good depiction of Elizabeth’s anguish upon entering the Tower. Proof that you don’t need first person POV to get close to the characters if you can write emotion well. (And showing her fear rather than saying “I was terrified” is much more effective.)

Endlessly cynical Elizabeth + children= fun combination. She calls a child ‘a nasty little turd’ which made me laugh even though I shouldn’t. Very dark comedy with the boy (He’s 5!) asked what’s in the flowers (meaning smuggled letters) and he answers “mostly bluebells”. A good moment to establish how paranoid the world is at this point. A literal toddler is being interrogated. It’s nice when the narrative takes a segue into other characters’ perspectives. I like Bridges too, and how Elizabeth’s life is literally saved by his own personal priorities, even though he himself is just a regular official. It gives a sense of mutability and insecurity without spelling it out.

Pacing

The opening can be a little finger-tapping. At times it feels both rushed and slow. Nevertheless we get set up for the court politics. The pacing improves over the course of the first part. She has a challenge on her hands: cover Elizabeth’s whole story in 650 pages. I think she can pull it off, just. Interested to see what she chooses to focus on in the next parts.  

History

C’mon Susan. Susie baby. Charles V is Mary’s COUSIN not her UNCLE. Anne portrayed as a malign influence on Henry, which is unfair IMHO, but I think it works with the theme of haunting.

Anne of Cleves is ugly, Katherine Howard is wanton, Edward is delicate, Catherine Parr is a nurse, Anne Stanhope is evil incarnate. Also Edward is messed-up as evidenced by his chronicle. Also there’s torches on the walls? I’m not sure that’s an effective way to light a hall.

John Dudley proposed to divorce his wife and marry Elizabeth (page 132) “together we will take the throne” WHAT is happening I am SO confused. Is this made up??? Is it an old myth?? It feels like a big deal? And it’s mention off-hand by Susan? I’m getting soo much whiplash. You can’t drop that bombshell on me and then run away into the sunset Susan! Explain yourself!

“Who in this largely Protestant land would support a catholic claimant?” BECAUSE THEY AREN’T PROTESTANT YET THAT WAS WHY THEY RIOTED OVER THE PRAYER BOOK.

There is a sweet friendship between Elizabeth and her servant Isabelle Markham. We have at least moved away from Elizabeth the hater of other girls.

Good use of historical events woven into narrative, and some good points made. Anne fears divorce not death, her marriage is annulled so she can’t even be guilty of adultery. Seymour brothers quarrelling in front of Elizabeth: good detail. The kitchen crashing by the Countess of Lennox is deftly weaved into the story: not just to annoy Elizabeth but deliberately to agitate her until she makes a mistake. A weapon of psychological warfare. I also like how Robert’s relationship with Elizabeth is woven into the greater story: Dudley fails BECAUSE he sent Robert to capture Mary and Robert is too young and inexperienced to pull it off. But he has to send Robert BECAUSE he can’t send Robert to capture Elizabeth instead. And he can’t send Robert to capture Elizabeth BECAUSE he knows Robert won’t stand for harming her.

Again Elizabeth hates Cranmer but Remnarc the Coward was quite a clever dig and a nice way to weave in Robert being in the Tower and their burgeoning relationship.

Prose

“That look of hers would see through lead”

Henry is “afraid of a shadow in the sun” I saw what you did there, Susan. “Eyes that see inside your head” or you could say…make a window into your soul…

“The dreadful trusting smile of a little girl” “and when you were paid to take care of a child, the worst thing you could do was to give your heart- you never got it back intact.” Susan Kay was a teacher IIRC, I wonder if that line has significance to her career. Anne Stanhope “like a crocodile sinking beneath the surface of a lake”. The word ‘crybaby’ felt out of place, but the prose is generally competent, with moments of flair. There’s very little scene- setting, but honestly given how much story we have to get through, I get it.

Time to read the second third of the book!

[hardheaded-municipalist]

Undoing sex-negativity blobs

I am asexual. I am sex-averse. I am heteroromantic.

I went to a boys' school... People would make "Your mum" jokes all the fucking time. Jokes about comparing girls (who went to the girls' school next door) based on their faces, based on their asses, based on their tits, etc... Jokes about what matters more pussy or ass or mouth. I never really understood the jokes - thoughts about me having sex were *EXTREMELY* uncomfortable. Having to confront this discomfort every day killed me internally.

Often I'd be around guys having these discussions, and I would put my headphones on or read a book and tune out. Sometimes I would be reading a book like Gone which would imply 2 characters had sex and it was extremely frustrating because I was being reminded of the thing I was trying to escape from.

Couldn't listen to music without having sexual lyrics.

Couldn't listen to a news podcast / read the news without being reminded of sex.

I felt very angry at the world, and I could never articulate WHY. It was always just this subconscious frustration.

Clearly I don't think people should be self-censoring for my benefit, but I began to internalize some anti-sex views (mostly from the perspective of a self-loathing straight person)... I never really viewed gay/trans people as more sexual than straight people... I was extremely NOT homophobic, transphobic, etc... It was crazy to me.

This leaked into being anti-BDSM, anti-nudity, anti-sex scenes, anti-naturism, etc. I would think to myself "those teens who were involved in pregnancies aged 16 should blame themselves"... I was not explicitly misogynistic, but... yeah that was probably a part of it.

In 99% of these cases, I would catch myself before I articulated these thoughts out loud, but I was far from perfect... After learning about asexuality, I undid the dissolved blob of sex-negativity.

After that there were lots of little blobs of being anti-BDSM, anti-nudity, anti-sex scenes, anti-naturism, etc. These were all attitudes I never applied to OTHER people. I was always a believer in bodily autonomy, etc... It was always completely internal. Internal in that I was internally against the concept, but internal also in that I was hostile to any possibility that the concept might apply to me..

But later, I found out I had somewhat submissive tendencies, even in just romance (being kissed, while being pinned down by my hypothetical girlfriend). Very tame tendencies arguably. But I resented them. And it took undoing the anti-BDSM blob to undo the inward resentment.

I realised out that naturism seemed appealing, but it seemed uncomfortable for reasons I could not articulate. It took undoing the anti-nauturism blob to undo that.

Confronting these things is always hard, because I feel angry at myself for even possibly leaking bad sentiments accidentally. I was never judgemental about other people doing these things, but arguably a subtle anti-thing sentiment just hiding beneath my words even accidentally, just because of the self-resentment being so potent.

It's extremely frustrating now, because now I have to go around mopping up these things and it's so ANNOYING.

I hope in the future people

1. Learn a more inclusive sex-positivity that is not so fuckin allo-normative

2. Learn about asexuality

I am actually more optimistic about the second point than the first.

[cerebraldischarge]

No more bullshit. No more hangovers. No more worries. No more painful memories.

No longer carrying the suffering of everyone else.

This is where we differed. Empathy is somewhat foreign territory for me. That doesn’t mean I don’t care about people, but absorbing their stuff rarely ever occurs to me. I’ll get mad on your behalf and shoot whoever upset you, but then I’ll make a goofy joke about something completely unrelated, simply because seeing you cry makes me uncomfortable. Hell, even seeing myself cry makes me feel awkward unless it’s brought on by music - which happens surprisingly often.

If I had to guess, it was empathy that got Danny into this whole thing. Yeah, he wanted to get rid of life for a long time, so there is a selfish angle to it too, but if it was just that, he wouldn’t have started a movement. He often complained to me about how hard writing is for him, and his perfectionism made it even harder. I could tell he wasn’t too educated, and made some consistent spelling mistakes, probably having learned some words wrong in childhood in the first place. An earlier version of me would’ve judged him for this and would’ve either withdrawn from him or made a point of constantly correcting him. But then I would’ve missed the fact that he was sharp as a scalpel when it came to actually thinking things through and not just regurgitating information. Probably smarter than me, in fact. He would call me while getting drunk, and give me lectures on geopolitics, which were interesting but at times went right over my head. An earlier version of me would’ve zoned out or tried to change the subject even before the juicy part started - I can just hear her going “I don’t give a damn about the bigger picture, I just want to be a grunt!” But because it became clear a long time ago that that’s not an option, I learned to let go of that single-minded focus and listen to pretty much anything that could break me out of my natural state of abject boredom.

Would an earlier version of me be mad about him leaving so abruptly, without waiting for me? I don’t know. Maybe a very early one. But I got used to losing people very fast. I did struggle with needing attention for a while, because adults would act like they lost all sense of object permanence and drop me like I didn’t exist every damn time another adult approached them - the message loud and clear: work is more important than you, and you are not my equal. I still feel a slight twinge of resentment when someone says “I have to go” mid-conversation, but then my mature brain steps in and I accept that people have their own lives, schedules, and obligations, and some little foreigner girl they barely know is going to score lower on the priority list than, say, a call from their boss or their duty to make dinner for their family. This acceptance also applies to the people who never return, for whatever reason. It applied to Allie when he got into that accident in 2009, it applies to Danny who decided he had enough - and, after the fallout of betrayal and the sunk cost fallacy had settled, it even applied to Lauren in a way. My parents are kind of a different category, because paying attention to me was their job - even when I absolutely did not want their attention, which happened more and more often as I got older.

Danny shared with me the time, information, emotional connection, and humor that he wanted to share with me. He definitely shared way more with his buddy Kevin, his aunt Amanda, and a few of his friends that I’ve never interacted with. And that’s okay. Some people would call me a psychopath for being okay with this, but why? If he had a horribly botched, painful end, or a nonconsensual one, or if he was still alive against his will, or something like that, I would feel sad about it, or angry, or guilty, or all three. I would have something pretty close to the expected, textbook grief reaction. But this way, there’s nothing to grieve.

Yes, the world lost a very gentle, smart, and all around cool guy. But would I really rather have him still around and miserable? Nah. People aren’t here to be used by us - not me, not you, not their families, not even the government. People come and go. I have understood this before my age got into the double digits. It’s inconvenient sometimes, but once I managed to cultivate some level of confidence in myself - which is not fucking easy by any means when one of your defining experiences is total rejection by an organization that you equated with life itself, mind you -, I realized I didn’t really need people to stay. I sometimes want them to, and I enjoy it if they do… and sometimes I really want them to leave me the hell alone, too. But I don’t need anyone else in that clingy, visceral, “one flesh, one mind” way that romantic relationships are characterized by. I got a taste of that with Lauren, but it was so exhausting and anxiety-inducing that honestly, I don’t want to experience it again. It’s also likely that I let her inside me to that extent because it played to my insecurities - “military spouse” was a hell of a lot more acceptable than “military reject” in my head and heart.

Danny would’ve made a great grunt, too. His body was a warrior’s. It took regular beatings from evil family members, from alcohol, and from just life in general, and still remained strong to the end. I’m somewhat grateful for that - he didn’t have to experience what my father did: not just pain, but the frustration of trying to move certain body parts and having them just flat out refuse to function. He also had the ability to be violent if necessary, such as when protecting loved ones from harm. For whatever reason, he never made the decision to do this professionally, though. An earlier version of me would have judged him for that. But that was before I realized that not everyone has the same values I do. I would have never expected to get to this point, but now I can even respect conscientious objection - at twenty, it was almost a swear word for me. And I respect, although don’t share, Danny’s belief that life itself is an inherently negative thing. (In order to share his conviction, I would need a clear understanding of the concepts of “positive” and “negative”, and I don’t have that. To me, these are entirely subjective ideas that cannot be defined in an objective manner. This is where I may depart from Rand, whose injunction is to “judge, and be prepared to be judged” - the only judgment I’m confident in making is that if a given action is performed with the informed consent of everybody involved, I cannot condemn it, but if consent is being violated at any point, that’s what I judge/define as evil. Maybe Rand would not regard this as a disagreement with her injunction, after all.)

It would’ve been nice to hang out in West Virginia together. To share a bottle of moonshine under the stars, and all that. To talk about our overbearing mothers, and the various cultural influences we carry within. To practice shooting for a few days and then shoot ourselves in a cabin in the woods. It would have been a whole bucket of fun. But it wasn’t meant to be.

Whatever is meant to be is now for me to find out.

[belog-grada-crna-princeza]

3 am.

saw someone write you can be both cynical and happy and it did something to me. ive been fighting inside my own head between my little girl self who saw the world so full of wonder and romance and this bitter suspicious and guarded adult. (ive officially turned into my dad). and let's not forget the pissed off defiant and rebellious teenager i used to be.

i did an exercise with my therapist last week where i am supposed to integrate all these parts into myself and it was actually crazy. in the exercise you imagine this table where you invite anyone who wants to come in to sit at. four different versions of myself showed up plus the current adult one. there was me at five, at 10, at 15 and at 17. they all felt like strangers to each other. the 17 year old talked first, she was angry, she was untrusting and she was argumentative. but actually she was so fucking sad that i betrayed her and became everything she despises. she saw it as me leaving her, telling she's wrong like everyone else did, in order to be a part of their world. the 10 year old was desperate for my approval, she just wanted me to like her, to tell her she's good enough. she was sort of fascinated by who i was and she felt proud of me even though i know i didn't become so many of the things she wanted. it didn't seem important. she thought i was cool and wanted me to think she is cool too. the third one was the five year old. she was jealous that she was left to be third because she wanted to be first. she wanted me to leave the others because they're annoying and go play with her. then our time was up and i found it interesting how maybe the saddest, most hurt one, the 15 year old me didn't even get to speak. invisible, forgotten, unnoticed, as usual. my therapist commented how all these versions were sort of hostile and demanding towards me. i laughed and said yeah. what i didn't say was how hostile and demanding everyone in their lives had been towards them. i didn't mind handling their hostility and demands because it didn't happen often that they could express those things and be safe in doing so. i could handle the fucked up emotions and resentment. maybe the hardest was the adoration from the 10 year old which i felt i didn't deserve. that girl saw the best in everyone and i just felt i let her down.

but, going back to, can you be both cynical and happy. i'd say yes, because you are never only one thing anyway. we are all too complex. the denial of any part of ourselves just makes that part scream out that much more. you must try and see all of them and let them exist within you without swallowing your whole being. you must both let them free and keep them at bay. when you know your "demons", you know they are not demons at all. they are just the parts of you that need you the most. if you hate them, they rebel. if you accept them, they are the most loyal mf's you'll ever know.

maybe i'll stick it out with this therapist for a while, even though i am sort of annoyed by some things. maybe i am looking for a perfect human being or maybe i am lying to myself because i just don't have the energy to keep looking and be disappointed again. my old therapist was so validating and deep, i felt she could talk with me about things so few people could even comprehend. i have to say often i felt she really got my way of thinking. but then there was no real resolution of anything and i got tired of knowing everything i knew and nothing about what i should do with it all. this new woman isn't great at the talking part and i sometimes feel like i am speaking a different language than she is. but she loves the exercises and shit and it's actually been helpful every time. i feel different and changed on an emotional level when we do them. i wish i could combine my old therapist and the new one into one person lol. but maybe this is just a next step. maybe the final destination will be when i realize i am perfectly whole on my own. i don't even know what the goal of therapy is, if not going back to yourself and getting back all the parts of you that outside events have forced you to cut off. surely it's too megalomaniac to think you will ever be above needing others and i don't think that's what i even want to strive toward. i think we need to lean on others and have them lean on us.

i guess my goal is just that: wholeness. or getting closer to it. growing into my own skin instead of constantly wanting to jump out of it. seems like an alright goal, really.

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Thursday, January 18th, 2024!

7:28am saw a pic of him on his brother's sc, looks the same as before. It was his brother's birthday yesterday and it looks like he had a lot of fun and I'm seriously proud of him. He deserves that shit.

As for any stirred feelings of him... Ofc he's gonna look completely normal in public, that's what they do. If he couldn't hold it together in public, he wouldn't have what little things he does have right now. I can totally see it now, like the bachelor party all over again where he blows his whole bank account OR lil ms bitch just paid for everything OR they really had the audacity to let the birthday kid pay for everything himself bc tbh he probably could and he's nice enough to not even mind genuinely. Who knew lil bro would be the most normal of the bunch, but again that actually makes me happy that he's normal lmao. But yeah, that karma will come little by little, slowly, death by a thousand cuts like he did to me. Enjoy your fun, we all know you're truly miserable on the inside you sociopath mf. When you go home and get in bed at night with just your thoughts, I know everything eats you up, completely drains you having to be so fake all the time. So, enjoy your parties before you become old and can no longer put up your facade. I'll be here, thriving bc I have always shown people my true self and *I don't lie* Lying will age you quickly my friend.

2:31pm I want to text him so much shitty stuff. I want him to know how much he fucked me up. He put so much anger and frustration and resentment in my life I hate him. I lost all respect and trust for him and can't believe he just ran away from it all. Fucking coward. Idk why I'm so angry today. Too much on my plate just too much I don't care about too much I don't want to do. I hate everything and everyone and literally just fuck everything. I deserve so much fucking better and I know now and I'm so angry at my former self. I can't go back, I can just go forward. Karma karma karma stupid fucking bitch. Fuck you fuck you fuck you I wish I could fucking choke you and inflict physical pain onto you so you could be shaking like I am right now. Shaking with anger and frustration I hate you I hate you I hate you.

8:29pm had a phone call with my school friend, even though we were talking about our project it felt good to just have an actual conversation with someone.... A normal person with no strange motive for talking to me. Loneliness does not look good on me. It literally makes me go crazy a bit. Just look at that stuff from earlier I've literally been mad all day long and it's just been building up inside of me. Insane I'm literally driving myself insane!! I just want normal give me normal boring please!!

11:32pm fuck leaving things until the last minute wtf is my homegirl doing like.... Girl I just did all the slides and you are literally AWOL I have no idea what the hell is going on 😂 my booty is literally sore from sitting here, I have no damn clue how in depth they want us to go with this, it's literally a fucking powerpoint, I feel completely clueless lmao. There's only like 2-3 big drugs used for this disease and just like ok..... And two much rarer medications for rare etiologies. I just want to crack open my bottle of wine, get dicked down and sleep in my own bed tbh 😂 I low-key hope that guy is on the same page or just kinda *forgets* about our conversation. I just can't with men rn. Tryna come over here for what?? Lmao I'm not about to have me a stalker no sir ik this pussy is good you wanna make me breakfast n shit aaaaaaa booty call on a Wednesday aaaaaa

[profewriting]

AmaOC (aka my jokage yumeship)

(art by Michi)

(first warning, I've already written half of the post and suddenly GOT DELETED, I'm fucking pissed off so this was written with half hearted, sorry)

Before talking about them, I wanna introduce my OC aka Miyō first. So, here she is.

(art by Cenayang_Surya)

(art by Nao)

(art by Michi)

Miyō (美葉) is an unlisted agent from D-Agency. She was recruited in secret and was trained by other agents to prevent information leakage (thus why she sees half of D-Agency's spies as mentors, though she'd still won't back off to making fun one of them or get annoyed whenever they're trying to mention/compare her with Miyoshi). She is Miyoshi's little sister, but there's no further info about Miyoshi and Miyō as siblings (you can interpret it yourself; whether they're related by blood, or half siblings, or even twins—both of them won't tell you the truth).

She has a deep hatred toward Miyoshi and her actions most likely were driven by her resentment. She's gentle with children and animals, but keep skeptical toward human. A jealous creature with envy as her seven deadly sins. I often portrayed her animal form as fox (which also lead to Japanese myth about fox spirit that often deceived people with their tricks and transformations—this also relate to her most skilled capability; acting). Her height is 160 cm with code name [Fang] and her (fake) birthday is June 22th. Her first love actually is Sakuma.

.

Now, let's dive into the yumeship 🐬🦊 aka AmaOC! :D

(art by Michi) (if you get confused with her bangs, this actually her first design before I finally put effort(?) and made her with different bangs)

(art by Michi)

(art by Michi)

(art by Michi)

Another reason why I often call them with AmaOC is to prevent people misunderstanding this with Amari x Miyoshi which often shortened with AmaMiyo (yes, that ship also exist). Thus why; AmaOC.

I also like to use 🐬🦊 (at least in Twitter) to portray them; since we know Amari has a very close connection with dolphins and Miyō's animal form is fox (like I've written at the beginning).

Anyway, this yumeship isn't very different or special. This ship actually came when I was zoning out and thinking, "hmm, I think Amari is the only agent that exist without me shipping him hardly with anyone"—then, boom. Here I am, eating my own words :)

Basically they're just like (cough) partner in crime couple, the power couple type. Amari has been mentoring her during training and probably just thinking her as a mere girl (who was lost in a bad place). Miyō didn't like him (yet) (haha) and thinking he's a jerk who keep changing romantic (or bed) partners as him canonically talking to Odagiri why he keep changing woman in preview for episode 12.

So, yeah, after that it's just another type of love-hate relationship before it finally came into romantic one (although Miyō actually/canonically (by me) was died after Pearl Harbour incident) (HAHA).

I think after that Miyō would see him as someone she can rely on (especially in her worst, or during her bitterness emo era), while Amari sees her as, well, cute (especially when crawling broken and bruised to the top), also as another spy from the same agency tho (so he actually kinda admitted her skills and capabilities).

So, yeah, finally it came to: dog person x cat person; smile all the time x grumpy all the time; calm energy x angry energy; "i don't need protection" gf x "trust me, she won't need them, YOU'RE the one who need them" bf; calm bf x angry gf; height different couple (15 cm height gap); age gap couple (Miyō most likely 23 y.o while Amari probably around 28 y.o, thus 5 years gap).

Miyō basically still gets jealous (and irritated) whenever she found out him sleeping around (whether it's for work or just another escapades), but she's just like, ("ok fine, I also sleep with another man when it involving work tho") and trying to brush that off (but still bitter and ALWAYS mention about it in front of him). So, jokes on her, she was, "eww, what a jerk" to "oh right, he's MY jerk, fuck it" (HAHA).

[sammygender]

yeah i agree wrt john. i dont think john explicitly ever asked dean to sacrifice everything, and i don’t even think that’s really what he wanted from dean!! sorry i’m gonna use this as a jumping off point to talk more about john’s expectations of dean and etc now apologies for long ass reply

we see him in the journal talking about how he wants dean to be a normal boy who plays sports and messes around with girls & he expresses regret that he put too much on dean in canon. but even if that’s what he wants, what he expects is for dean to be there for him always. he wants dean to be a person in theory. in practicality, dean’s supposed to be whatever john needs, the impossible balance of his normal son and his mary replacement and his soldier who follows his every command.

& dean fulfils this impossible role which requires giving up his own sense of self so entirely without ever being explicitly asked to, he just senses it’s needed. like in the s5 heaven ep when mary’s upset and little kid dean just goes over and comforts her…. he’s finely attuned to exactly what his parents need. and john wants a son but he needs a wife replacement, or at least that’s what a dean too young to even understand what he’s doing thinks he has to become.

it’s totally dean becoming too devoted to the role, the same way he becomes too devoted to everything!! he’s dad’s perfect soldier and it just makes dad not really respect him!! it’s awful and upsetting & that’s kind of my point. dean sublimates himself for the family, that’s his personal reaction to the situation he’s put in. other people might be in his situation and rebel and refuse to let that happen, but instead dean actively cultivates it bc he can sense it’s expected of him. stays doggedly loyal.

that’s kind of the tragedy of it all to me. that to some extent, dean does it to himself because he so truly thinks he has to (for john, for hunting, for the family most of all), and then sam never does, sam prioritises the self and gets out, and so dean is forever a little angry at, a little resentful of sam. growing up dean doesn’t think about rebelling or think about the fact their father could be wrong because he can’t, that’s not who he is, not at this stage. he thinks the way he acts, the perfect balancing act between the macho hunter son john’s proud of and the caring, devoted partner substitute he needs, is necessary, that this is just how it has to be. & then growing up sam rebels and fights at every chance he has and says this is bad and the way he treats us isn’t right and runs away. dean didn’t do that. that was never an option in his head. the only way he can make room for that in his worldview, the only way he can cope with his own upbringing - what john did to him and what he did to himself - is to label sam as selfish for not doing the same.

thinking about dean growing up and putting everything before himself. hunting and his brother and his dad and his dad’s revenge quest for their mom. he doesn’t matter. he is entirely irrelevant. thinking about dean internalising this as just what you do, just how people behave and how they should behave. him viewing selfish as the worst thing you can possibly be.

then thinking about sam growing up and fighting. brave enough to challenge their father and rebel against him and voice something different, brave enough to focus on what he wants. dean seeing this and it stings - he could never do that. how is sam acting like that? he can’t believe that’s the right way to behave. so sam must be selfish, just in believing he has any right to his own life.

dean sublimates himself for the family and expects sam to do the fame, and his resentment and jealousy that sam doesn’t turns into anger and making sam out to be the mean one, the one in the wrong. and this never goes away. this is always what dean levels at sam - that he’s selfish, that in wanting to make his own choices he’s rejecting their family, rejecting dean……. awful. toxic. evil evil message to send to sam. entirely in character. dean wants to prioritise sam, would save him over the world. but he doesn’t care what sam wants.

selflessness isn’t always a charming character trait. it’s not the same thing as a generosity of spirit and it’s definitely not the same thing as being caring. sometimes selflessness just means you’re incapable of prioritising your life and incapable of understanding how anyone else could or should prioritise theirs. sometimes it means you still act selfishly, you just convince yourself you were objectively in the right, because doing something actually for yourself is unthinkable. sometimes it means you think the very act of having wants and boundaries is selfish, no matter whether they’re yours or anyone else’s.

anyway… thoughts on dean’s specific brand of awfulness regarding sam. what does it matter to him what sam actually wants? since when did it ever matter in the winchester household what anyone wanted? dean had to deal with things he didn’t want for the mission (for john). sam has to deal with things he doesn’t want for the mission (for dean). augh. the cycles

[consultingfujoshi]

ok I've been avoiding saying this for a bit cuz I didn't wanna ruin anyone's fun and I love the whole "ed tries to kill stede when he returns in s2 via dramatic gay swordfight" as much as the next girl but the thing is that I REALLY don't think there's gonna be this whole deal about ed being furious with stede and unable to forgive him like I really don't think that's where this is going. stay with me on this one please <3

not to be like "you're misunderstanding the text" about all this cuz the narrative does not treat stede as if he's innocent in this situation for breaking ed's heart but I really do think people are forgetting that period in between ed returning and becoming blackbeard again where he was just?? sad?? not even angry, just dejected and hopeless. he wasn't plotting revenge, in fact it's pretty heavily implied he was plotting suicide by the time lucius gets around to him. he's absolutely wrecked by stede leaving him, yeah, but not once does he turn those emotions outward. if anything hiding himself away for days suggests to me that he simply felt foolish. of course stede didn't love him back. he should've seen this coming, but in spite of all that, he loves stede, so he surrounds himself with the all the things the man he cannot have left behind, and wallows. he's hanging onto the happy memories of stede, his fine fabrics and his nice food, because if he lets go of what little he has left, he may as well curl up into a ball and die. and after his chat with lucius he's on the up - tidying and singing and planning fun activities for his crew - he's not angry! he's trying to move on in earnest and find new purpose and happiness without stede! throughout all of this, not once does he express anger or resentment towards stede. he died when stede left him, yes, but now life is beginning again. he truly does believe he can begin anew with the power of all the things stede taught him.

and when he stumbles from this path and reverts back into blackbeard, he doesn't do this because he's angry at stede, either. he does it because again, he feels foolish. he feels insecure and weak, feels unsafe being just edward. he thinks the only way forward is to fall into old habits, because being ed is scary and new and he thinks he doesn't deserve to try, and whilst blackbeard is someone he desperately does not want to be again, he knows he can do it, whilst edward needs to watch his step. once again, it's on HIM, not stede. he throws away his silk, his heart, because he cannot have a heart as long as there is love in there for stede. being heartless is better than being heartbroken. it's vitally important to realise that ed does all of this not because he hates stede, but because he still loves him. despite himself, he cannot stop loving stede, and that is the most dangerous thing in the world when you're trying to become a monster. throwing all of stede's things into the ocean and marooning his crew, quite literally destroying all of the things that remind him of stede, is not the behaviour of someone who is no longer in love!! he has to literally kill everyone and everything that has a connection to stede because he doesn't trust himself to commit to being blackbeard as long as he has these ties to the man who keep him wanting to be edward! the only thing ed keeps, of course, is the lighthouse painting. as a reminder. a reminder to not be stupid again. a reminder that his love will lead him to destruction. you're supposed to avoid lighthouses, don't you know that? you got drawn in by the light and cracked up on the rocks, and it's your own stupid fault. you'll never make that mistake again now you've learned the hard way.

now I'm not saying stede is free of blame here, don't get me wrong. ed's motivation for throwing away the silk was definitely tied to stede - he was reminded of the thing his mother told him, that he's not the kind of person who deserves good things, and stede leaving him was the final proof of that. from ed's perspective he was just another one of stede's playthings, something for him to entertain himself with until he finally got bored and abandoned him to go back to his old life. but my point is that it's extremely important to recognise that those misunderstandings come from a place of pre-existing self loathing on ed's part. stede's abandonment simply confirmed all of ed's worst fears and insecurities. of course stede was really just some bored rich boy. of course I was just a toy to him. of course we could never be happy together. I should have known better than to believe something so stupid. haven't I been told as much all my life? he believes all of this because he had already been taught from a young age that he's not the kind of person that gets to love and be loved. stede DEFINITELY has some apologising to do, but this isn't about ed forgiving stede. it's about him opening up his heart again after he took every effort to close it up forever. it's about him choosing to believe that all the things he told himself were wrong. and that's a decision he has to make for himself, not something stede can magically fix by getting on his knees and grovelling.

i've said before that if season 1 is the emancipation of stede bonnet, then season 2 is going to be the emancipation of edward teach. I have full confidence that season 2 will focus heavily on ed's character and his journey to self acceptance - his struggle with unlearning the idea that "edward" and "blackbeard" are two totally separate people and accepting that all these different sides of him are parts of the same person, and stede will help him reach that point by showing him that he's lovable for all of his parts, not just the bits that he personally considers palatable - and that can't happen if he spends the whole time trying to kill stede. stede's return will likely kickstart his arc for the season. in other words, stede's return is not the resolution to edward's problems, but the beginning of his journey to fixing them. stede showing up and loudly proclaiming his love for ed, even when he looks like this, is going to be the inspiration he needs to start really working on himself, to become someone worthy of stede's unconditional love. ed desperately needs stede's presence in his life - he needs that soft guiding light to keep him on track, needs someone to break him out of his destructive chains of thought, someone to shake some sense into him. stede is good for ed, and he knows it. it was only when ed loved stede, and couldn't have him, or believed stede didn't love him back, that he lost all sense. stede showing up with his new prince charming swag is going to leave ed with no room to doubt how wrong he was. stede is a lighthouse, and he's going to be so full on with his love-crazed tunnel vision it will quite literally be blinding. ed won't have the CHANCE to ignore him!!!

so if we do get the epic homoerotic swordfight of our dreams upon their reunion in season 2, I truly don't think it'll be because ed is angry with stede or actually does want to hurt him. it'll be his defense mechanisms kicking in once again. he's blocking out any hope of a second chance. he's not going kill stede because he's angry he left - he's going to kill him because knowing he came back is too good to be true. if he does want to fight stede, it'll be because he's trying desperately to convince both of them that he doesn't need stede or his love. that he's just blackbeard now. edward teach is dead, and blackbeard has no use for the romantic hero here to rescue him. blackbeard doesn't need saving. blackbeard can kill stede bonnet easily. which is going to make it all the more delicious when he realises he can't. when he realises that he does want to be saved. he does want to be loved. he wants to believe he deserves it. and who is he to say no to a man so willing to give him all of those things?

[badassbuchanan]

My Girl

Request: Could you writer some sort of frenemies thing with Bucky where everyone thinks you hate each other but then Loki starts flirting with you and it makes Bucky really jealous??

Warnings: smut; non!con turned fucking sickly sweet, fingering, slut shaming, unprotected sex, doggy, missionary, dirty talk, angst.

Word count: 7968

A/N: I apologise for messing with your hearts like this - I also strayed a bit from the request (sorry anon!) x

“Buchanan, you fucker!” Y/N yelled from across the compound moments before Bucky strutted into the boardroom with a roll of his eyes.

The rest of the team’s head’s turned to follow the loud noise of Y/N yelling, watching the long haired super soldier enter the room with a smug look on his face.

“Not again.” Bruce sighed softly, his head falling into his hand as he prepared himself for another bickering match between Y/N and Bucky. 

“Don’t you walk away from me.” Y/N followed Bucky into the room, her eyes fixed on the back of his head as he casually made his way over to the others. 

“Guys, cut it out.” Tony spoke sternly, trying to control the two avengers who were constantly at each other’s throats. 

“Just wait until you hear what he said.” Y/N looked over at Tony who’s palms were pressed against the edge of the large conference table. He shook his head, looking between the two is disbelief. 

“I don't ca-”

“Don’t be such a baby.” Bucky retaliated to Y/N childishly before Tony could speak. The super soldier slumped down in the empty seat next to Cap, his eyes focused on her from across the room as his elbows rested on the arm rests of the swivel chair. Neither of them cared that they’d bought the whole room into the argument. “All I said was I’d rather take my chances with spider-boy than have Y/N as my partner on a mission.” 

“This is coming from the guy who couldn’t even hold on to a train.” She growled as she pulled out the seat next to Nat, who was smiling an amusement at how well Y/N stood up for herself. Bucky scoffed at her comment, shaking his head as he thought of something to anger her further.

Peter’s face screwed up in shock after realising his name had been mentioned, his arms coming up to cross over his body defensively. “Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?” He asked as a devious smile appear on Bucky’s face. Peter glanced over at Tony for help, but he was too annoyed to care about the youngest avenger’s feelings. 

“It means-” Y/N words were cut off by a loud bang of Tony’s hand hitting the desk. The sound made everyone jolt slightly, the room immediately silencing.

“Enough!” He yelled furiously, eyebrows furrowing into a frown as he glared between the bickering pair. “I didn’t call this meeting to hear you two fight. You’re already late, now stop acting like children and listen up.” 

Y/N bit the inside of her cheek, trying to stop the laughter that was building up inside of her from hearing Tony yell as she glared over at Bucky.

“Asshole.” She mouthed to Bucky, who was already smirking at the fact that they’d been told off like toddlers. 

“Snitch.” He whispered back cheekily, secretly liking the way he knew it would make her laugh. Bucky liked being the only reason she got frustrated, wound up and tense. But he also liked being the only reason she smiled, laughed and blushed.

Bucky had this hold on Y/N that couldn’t be explained. She’d tried to reason with herself, telling her inner-self it was just her caring nature that made her feel sorry for him, even when he was a complete dick to her. He was constantly doing things to purposely annoy her or to get a reaction. It gave him a thrill. Like a power trip that sent pleasure to his brain. And he took advantage of that any chance he got.

“Now, over the past few weeks the threats from the Beyonders have increased noticeably.” Tony stood up straight, tugging his collar back into place as he clicked the button of the control he was holding. The screen changed, a mathematical graph appearing to prove Tony’s point. 

Y/N chanced a glance over at Bucky, his fingers on each hand intwined as he swivelled lightly in the chair. God, he was so infuriating. There wasn’t a day that went by without him getting on her last nerve. He frustrated her beyond belief. But for some twisted reason, she loved it. 

“Now we don’t know a lot about who they are, what they want or where they came from.” Tony continued, the room dead silent as he flicked to the next slide.

Bucky bit the inside of his lip, a frown appearing on his brows as he zoned out to what Tony was saying. He was bored already, deciding to look down at his metal hand as he wiggled his fingers to amuse himself, studying the mechanics of it.

He felt a pair of eyes burning into him, glancing over to Y/N. A smug smile washed over his face when he noticed her already looking at him. He gave her a quick wink, pouting his lips into a kissing motion as she rolled her eyes. 

“So, we’ve had to call on the help of an old acquaintance.” Tony turned to face the team again, his fingers lightly tapping on the table in front of him as his eyes darted around the room. Luckily by that point, Y/N and Bucky had both turned their eyes back to the spokesman. 

Tony’s tongue quickly darted out to the corner of his mouth, the unknown reaction of the team was making him anxious.

“Excuse me, Mr Stark. Thor and Loki have just landed. Should I send them in?” F.R.I.D.A.Y’s voice came through the intercom, immediately causing a few murmurs from the team. 

“Loki’s here?” Y/N’s eyes lit up immediately as she looked up at Tony for confirmation. Bucky’s head shot round to where she sat, eyebrows furrowing as he wondered who the hell Loki was and why Y/N was so excited to see him. 

“You called Loki?” Steve almost shot up out of his chair, a look of betrayal on his face as he stared at Tony, waiting for an explanation. “Tony, he is not an acquaintance.” 

The fact that Steve was so put off by the mention of Loki had Bucky even more concerned. If Steve had a problem with him, so did he. Especially since Y/N liked him. As the room grew louder in outbursts of resentment regarding Tony’s decision, so did Bucky’s brain. 

He watched Y/N try and fix her hair subtly, sitting up straighter in her chair as an unusual feeling flooded through him. He wasn't angry, but he sure as hell wasn’t happy. 

The beep of the boardroom door opening quickly silenced the group, Y/N’s head turning to watch the God of Thunder walk into the room. “Hello everyone.” Thor nodded with a sweet smile, pleased to be back with his friends again. “Good to see you all.”

It was almost as if a cold wind engulfed the room as Bucky watched the dark haired, chiseled faced, pale god strut into the room. Bucky’s jaw clenched, his eyes darkening as he felt a wave of overwhelming hate flood through his body. He noticed Loki’s hair was longer than his own. His eyes brighter. His smile wider. His jaw sharper. 

“Greetings, all.” His voice was slicker. He was charismatic. He was charming. He was everything Bucky wasn’t and he fucking hated him. Bucky felt his heartbeat quicken as he watched Loki greet everyone individually, stopping in his tracks as he reached Y/N’s chair. 

She’d turned to face him, her eyes lit up like fireworks as she looked up at the god of mischief who had put his hands over his mouth. “My god,” Loki gasped softly as he pulled his best puppy dog face, leaning his hands on the arms of Y/N chair to get close to her. “Y/N, you look more beautiful every time I see you, my love.” 

Bucky felt his jaw clench so tight he was sure it would break. His hands closed into tight fists as he sat up a little straighter in his chair. He was livid. Livid at the fact that this green-eyed hot shot thought he could waltz in and steal Y/N away from him. Bucky was the only one that made her smile. He was the only one that got to have her attention. 

“Oh, Loki, stop, you’re making me blush.” She giggled softly and wrapped her arms around his neck like they belonged there. Loki turned his face towards her, leaving a gentle kiss on her flushed cheek before he stood back up. Bucky had never made her giggle like that. He’d never kissed her cheek before. He’d spent every damn day with her and he never got her to blush like a little school girl.

“Maybe later you can show me your favourite spots and we can talk about what's changed since I was last here.” Loki spoke softly, taking Y/N’s hand in his as he pulled it against his chest dotingly.

A few snickers broke out from the rest of the team, not surprised one bit at Loki and Y/N’s interaction. Believe it or not, Y/N wasn’t Loki’s biggest fan. She would never actually progress their friendship to anything more than flirting, deep down she didn’t trust him just as much as Steve didn’t. But Y/N did love the attention that Loki gave her. How he treated her like a princess and devoted himself to her every word. She liked how he complimented her and made a fuss. She liked how he made her feel special in a room full of people.

But all that Bucky saw unravelling in front of his eyes was the start of one of those soppy rom-coms that he despised. “We have training later, Y/N.” His words came out a lot more aggressive than he originally intended. 

The whole room’s attention turned to him, straight faced and stiffened body. Loki stood up straight as a glimmer shone in his eyes. He noticed how on edge the super soldier looked.

“Yeah, we’ll still have time to train, Bucky.” She spoke with a level of concern, noticing the unusual seriousness on Bucky’s face. “I wouldn’t skip on the opportunity to kick your ass.” She smirked, face immediately dropping as she watched Bucky quickly divert his eyes away, not entertaining her with his usual sarcastic response.

“Bucky?” Loki’s voice was low as thoughts flew through his brain at a million miles per hour. He smiled deviously, eyes squinting as his heart jumped at the chance to cause mischief. “James Buchanan Barnes. The winter soldier.” 

Bucky clenched his jaw again as his eyes flickered up to Loki before back to the table, he could feel his anger bubbling over. Loki had been getting under his skin ever since he walked through the damn door. 

“Hydra’s most successful experiment, their deadliest weapon.” Loki made a quick move around the table to stand in front of Bucky, his eyes widening with excitement as he held his hand out in front of him. “May I say what a pleasure it is to meet you.”

Steve noticed Bucky’s metal hand grip tightly around the arm of his chair as he politely lifted his flesh arm to quickly shake Loki’s hand. Bucky smiled as he momentarily looked up at the long haired god, using all of his will power to stay calm. 

“How did it feel to know how many people you killed once you got your mind back?” Loki’s words were slow and full of deviance as Bucky’s metal arm began whirring into action. 

Y/N watched worriedly, she annoyed the crap out of Bucky all the time, but she’d never seen him so angry. Her heart sunk as she watched Bucky’s eyes darken, a soft, lost look on his face that disappeared so quick she almost thought she’d imagined it.

Steve’s eyes widened as he watched the event unfold. “I think that’s enough chit chat, Loki.” He spoke sternly, Loki’s eyes immediately glancing over to Steve. He knew the fact that Steve had to step in meant he’d done a good job of infuriating Bucky. “Why don’t you just get on with what you came here to do.” 

Loki stayed silent, pleased with his work as he flickered quick a smile, striding back up to the front of the room where Tony stood. 

“The Beyonders are a race of extra-dimensional entities powerful enough to collect planets.” Loki went straight into ‘business mode’, his charismatic nature immediately made most of the room forget what he’d just said to Bucky.

But Steve was concerned, and embarrassingly enough, so was Y/N. Yes, she loved to aggravate Bucky, wind him up until he was chasing her down the hallway or whining at her to stop being a brat. But it was never to hurt him, she made sure of that. Not like what Loki had just done. She tried to silently get his attention by glancing over at him every now and then, but Bucky’s eyes didn’t budge from the table. 

“Their nature is so alien that they are unable to leave their own dimension and for millennia were never observed by any being of the Earth dimension.” Loki continued to teach the team about the threat they were facing, the room silent as mostly everyone paid attention. “To interact with the Earth dimension they must operate through agents.”

“So basically, what Loki is saying is, it’s not just one race we’re up against here. It’s gunna be a big ass battle.” Tony interjected Loki’s speech, he’d read the room enough to know he’d lost the attention of three of his avengers already. There was no need for this to continue. “That’s all you need to know for now. We’ll regroup tomorrow for another meeting. Thank you, Loki.” 

The team stood up, casually making their way out of the room after Tony had ended the meeting. Y/N lagged behind, watching Steve and Sam mumbling something incoherent to Bucky.

By the looks of things he didn’t want to listen to what they had to say, the long haired super soldier pushed past his oldest friend with a frown on his face, not lifting his eyes even once as he left the room.

Y/N sighed as she watched Bucky storm out of the room, she’d never seen him act out so much, he was always so internal with his emotions. She didn’t like the way Loki brought up Bucky’s past in front of everyone like that. She almost felt protective over Bucky, like she was the only one who should be able to tease him about that kind of stuff.

The look on Bucky’s face when Loki had mentioned the Winter Soldier’s assassinations made Y/N’s heart ache. It was as if everything came flooding back to him in an instant, like a bad dream he couldn’t wake up from. 

Y/N and Bucky had never discussed such personal things, no way. She didn’t know that he suffered from PTSD, flashbacks and social anxiety. She didn’t know about the nights he lay awake haunted by his past. All she saw was a grumpy looking soldier who only smiled when he was making fun of her.

“Darling,” Loki’s sudden call to her knocked Y/N out of her thoughts. Her head was forced to turn to the side by the god of mischief, whose hands were on her shoulders. He smiled down at her dotingly, eyes bright as he fed her attention-needy ego. “What do you say we make the most of this alone time we’ve been so generously given, hm?”

She smiled softly up at him, although her eyes were glazed over as her mind wandered off again. “Sorry Loki, but I should go and get ready for training.” Her voice was monotone and quiet as she suddenly wasn’t so interested in the attention of the man in front of her. 

She left the room and wandered through the compound, stopping in her tracks when she saw Sam, Steve and Nat talking in the kitchen. “Hey, Steve.” Y/N called out, confused as to why she was suddenly so concerned about the metal armed man. 

As all three of the avenger’s heads turned to where she was standing, Y/N began second guessing her decision to ask if Bucky was okay. She hated Bucky, he annoyed the shit out of her. Even if she asked, the team would just think she was asking to make sure he wasn’t okay. What if they thought she’d take Loki’s side? Or worse. What if they thought she’d set Loki up to hurt Bucky? Even worse than that. What if Bucky thought Y/N had set Loki up to hurt him? 

“Never mind.” She sighed as she bit the inside of her lip, continuing her walk through the compound until she reached her room. 

She quickly changed into a red sports bra with navy detailing and leggings to match. She looked in the mirror after tying her training shoes and tied her hair into a high pony tail. She turned around, shamelessly checking out her ass before making her way down to the training room. 

She waited for a whole half an hour for Bucky to show, but he never did. She stood up from where she’d eventually laid down on the rubber floor mat, she couldn’t help but feel guilty about what had happened earlier. Bucky obviously blamed her, why else wouldn’t he show? He’d never been late before. 

“He didn’t show, huh?” Y/N glanced up as Steve walked into the room, tight grey top and black shorts. 

She shook her head, lifting her arms to tighten her pony tail before placing her hands on her hips. “Any idea where he is?” 

“In his room.” Steve shrugged, knowing that’s where Bucky spent most of his time. He started throwing controlled practice punches at the punching bag in front of him, stopping as he watched Y/N walk towards the door. “Maybe take it easy on him. I know he can annoy you sometimes but, I just think he’s having a bad day.” 

She couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle as she turned back to face Steve, he really thought she was going to yell at him for not showing up to training. She couldn’t blame him for thinking that, any other day and that's probably exactly what she would’ve done. “Loki was really out of line earlier, I actually just want to make sure Bucky’s okay.” 

Steve smiled proudly at her from where he was taping up his hands, nodding slightly as if he were giving her the ‘go ahead’. There weren’t many people, even living in the compound, that would be willing to go out of their way to make sure Bucky was okay. It was partly his own fault, he was very stand-offish. 

“Come in.” Y/N was surprised when she heard Bucky’s voice call out from beyond the door after she’d knocked. Honestly, she wasn’t expecting a response. 

She opened the door slowly, noticing his neatly kept room with minimal belongings. She looked over Bucky who was standing by the foot of his bed, he was wearing different clothes from earlier. That, his slicked back hair and the scent of peppermint told Y/N that he’d just had a shower. 

“What do you want?” Bucky mumbled bluntly, turning his back to her as he walked over to his desk to grab a newspaper. Y/N shut the door behind her quietly, watching as he glared at her before diverting his eyes away. He rubbed his face in his hand, sighing out of frustration when she didn’t answer. “I said what do you want?” 

“Woah, at ease soldier.” She chuckled lightly, trying to make a joke to calm her nerves. She’d never been in Bucky’s room before. She’d never genuinely asked him about his feelings. She had no clue how he’d react. What if he made fun of her? “So this is why you bailed on our training, huh?” She smiled softly, pointing at the newspaper in his hand. 

“I’m surprised you even noticed I wasn’t there.” Bucky scoffed out spitefully, referring to Loki asking to spend time with her. 

“Of course I noticed.” Y/N frowned in confusion, watching Bucky roll his eyes as he slammed the newspaper back on the table. 

“Why? Because you and your boyfriend didn’t have anyone to make fun of?” Bucky raised his voice, eyes squinting in anger as glared at her from where he stood. “Is that why you’re here now, hm? Didn’t get enough time to piss me off earlier? Or do you just wanna see how far you can push me before I snap?”

“Loki is not my boyfriend.” She screwed her face up, raising her voice to match his as she waved her hands in the air.

“Yeah, well, you suit each other.” Bucky snapped back sarcastically, a deep crease between his eyebrows formed as he frowned. 

Y/N clenched her jaw, a burning heat rising up in her as her anger took control. “I came here to make sure you were okay, asshole!” She yelled furiously back at him, crossing her arms defensively.

“Oh yeah? Since when do you care about me?” Bucky spoke sarcastically, leaning his shoulder against the wall as he crossed his arms and waited for her response.

“Believe it or not, Bucky, some of us do care about you!” She snapped back at his sarcasm, her chest heaving with fury as she watched him immediately jolt off of the wall. “Normal people care about people other than themselves.”

“And I don’t?” His voice lowered drastically, he started walking towards her as if she were his prey. “Why? Because I have no feelings?” He clenched his fists by his sides, watching her press her back against the door as he stalked closer.

“I don’t know! No one knows what goes on in that cyborg brain of yours!” She argued, agrivated that she had tried to do the right thing by coming to see him, but his stubbornness was causing an argument.

“So that’s how you see me, huh? A robot with no emotion? An empty vessel? A killing machine?” Y/N gasped as Bucky’s metal hand tightened around her throat, pushing her head back against the door harshly. Her eyes widened innocently, trying to regain her breath as his face came square with hers. “You don’t know shit about me. About the constant fucking torture inside my head.”

“You didn’t kill those people, Bucky, it was Hydra. I saw the way you looked like a scared little puppy when Loki mentioned the-“

“The what?” Bucky growled huskily, keeping her head in place as his eyes stared into hers. He watched her pupils dialate as he squeezed the sides of her neck with his metal fingers.

His heart had stopped for a moment when she’d told him that Hydra was the one she blamed for what he’d done. He didn’t expect anyone to think that way, especially not her. A wave of emotion flooded through him, not jealously this time, but...what? Whatever it was, it caused butterflies in his tummy.

Bucky felt his cock twitch slightly at the sight of her submitting it him, for once in her life not fighting him. “The winter soldier?” Bucky whispered into her ear, Y/N’s eyes closing as she started to feel her pussy tingle. “Is that what this is all about? You wanna meet him? Wanna see me turn into a monster? Watch the light disappear from my eyes as I fucking destroy you?”

She couldn’t explain why his threats turned her on, all she knew was that she’d never been so aroused in her life. Her chest was heaving as he whispered in her ear, her panties flooding as his metal arm choked her.

The look she gave Bucky sent his head into a spin. She looked so helpless and innocent beneath his hand, but there was a hint of desire in her eyes. She wanted him, she wanted to please him, she wanted him to take whatever he wanted from her.

“You don’t scare me.” She whimpered softly, her lips parting as she tried to breathe. Bucky’s eyes flickered over her lips as an uncontrollable urge to kiss her washed over him.

“Still so mouthy.” He shook his head with a tut, their lips almost touching as he jolted his hand, pushing her head against the wall with more force. She let out a small cry. “You know there are other ways to get attention, baby.”

Y/N’s arousal was soaking through the material covering her crotch, her pebbled nipples rubbing against her sports bra. “Well it’s not my fault you’re always pissing me off.” She whispered bravely, her eyes fixed on his which had grown noticeably darker.

“Oh?” Bucky arched his eyebrow, tilting his head back slightly to assert his dominance. “You don’t like when I wind you up? When I say things to purposely get you to snap?” He leaned his head down, his lips tickling the delicate skin just behind where his fingers finished pressing into her neck. 

Y/N listened closely to his words, realising that Bucky hadn’t been treating her that way because he hated her. He hadn’t been constantly on at her because he didn’t get along with her. In fact, he did it because he knew exactly what she liked. Exactly what kind of interactions she thrived off of. The kind that would always bring her back for more. 

Bucky took her silence as an agreement, a smirk playing on his lips as he continued kissing her neck softly. “I know exactly what gets you going, don’t I?” He continued, finally letting go of her neck as his metal arm trailed down her chest. 

Y/N let out a shaky breath as her throat was now unrestricted, her eyes dropping to where his hand was on her. Bucky’s flesh palm was planted firmly on the wall next to her head, trapping her there. 

“Is that why you’re always so frustrated around me? Hm? Constantly coming back for more?” He kissed her cheek, almost affectionately as he watched her squirm under his touch. “Such a needy little attention whore.” 

She didn’t bite back, her head lifted to lean against the wall, her thighs desperately rubbing together to relieve some of the tension building between her thighs. She liked it.

Bucky chuckled deeply, looking down at where his fingers had dropped to play with the waistband of her exercise leggings. He hooked the tips of his metal fingers inside, entertaining himself as he looked back up at her. “Tell me honestly, baby, whose attention do you crave most?” 

“Yours.” She whimpered desperately, not even taking a moment to think. His lips ghosted over hers, his eyes big and innocent as he brushed their noses together. 

“Not that green goblin who calls himself a god?” Bucky tested as he stepped closer, their bodies touching as his hand pressed against her lower stomach. She whimpered at the feeling of his cold metal fingers on her bare skin, so close to where she needed him most. 

“No.” She submitted to him instantly, shaking her head as Bucky slowly pushed his hand further down into her pants. 

He stopped when he reached the band of her panties, a loud gulp erupted from Y/N’s throat as Bucky teased her even more. “You sure? S’not too late to go running back to him.” 

“No, Bucky, I want you.” She breathed out shakily, almost crying in frustration as Bucky licked his lips, her words were like music to his ears. Her hand came down to rest on his lower tummy, feeling his muscles through the thin material of his t-shirt. 

“Why, Y/N?” He growled as their breaths hit each others lips, she clawed softly at his stomach, overwhelmed with pleasure before he’d even begun. “Tell me why you want me and not him.” 

She felt exhausted, like her body could collapse at any moment. She was in a euphoric state from his light touches and words alone. She looked down at his lips, her eyes half shut as she grabbed hold of his metal wrist, pushing his hand down into her panties. 

Y/N let out a soft moan as his metal fingers slipped between her slick folds, her head hitting the wall with a thud. She looked up at Bucky, watching his eyes fall to where his hand disappeared into her leggings. His brows were furrowed in a frown, his mouth slightly hung open as he slipped his fingers deeper into her. “Because only you make me wet.” 

Bucky lost control, pushing his lips against hers in a desperate kiss as two of his metal fingers slipped into her hole. Y/N moaned into the kiss, her hand flying up to hold the back of his neck, pulling him down harder onto her lips. If only he’d known. If only he’d known that every cocky remark, every teasing comment left her this wet. 

“God, if Id’ve known all it took to shut you up was my fingers in your wet little hole I would’ve fucked you a long time ago.” Bucky chuckled darkly, his words were condescending. He pushed his tongue between her lips, a growl escaping his throat as she sucked on his warm muscle. 

His fingers moved in and out of her aching pussy, his whole hand drenched in her arousal. Y/N whimpered when he curled his fingers inside of her, hitting a spot of pleasure that she didn't know was there. 

“Bucky.” She moaned against his lips, her hips bucking into his hand as his thumb moved to rub her throbbing clit. She tugged on his hair, her arms resting on his shoulders as she steadied herself. 

“You wanna cum, don’t you?” He asked smugly, tilting his head before pressing their lips together sensually. “You wanna cum all over metal hand, you horny little slut.” 

“Yeah.” She whimpered out breathlessly, sucking on his top lip as she rocked her hips against his hand, pushing them further inside of her. “Make me cum, please, Bucky.” 

“I’m the only one who gets to touch you like this, you hear me?” Bucky growled into her mouth, biting down on her lip hard enough to hurt. He felt Y/N’s hips rut against his hand again, a smile appearing on his lips as he felt how desperate she was. 

She whimpered, her back arching off of the wall as she rolled her hips toward him. She looked up into his eyes innocently, like he was the only person in the world.

Bucky felt his cock pressing harshly against the material of his track pants, desperate for attention. He watched her bounce on his fingers, her hand moving from his shoulder to pull the tight material of her sports bra over her tits, letting them bounce freely.

Bucky’s eyes darkened at the sight of her boobs, his fingers speeding up inside her tight pussy as he met every movement of her hips. “Fuck yourself on my hand, just like that, make yourself cum.”

Her thighs clenched around his hand, controlling his movements as she clung to his wrist, fucking herself on his hand just like he’d told her to. “Shit, Bucky.”

Y/N clenched rapidly around his metal fingers, his thumb harshly pressed against her sensitive nub as she felt her orgasm taking over.

She leaned in to press her lips against his, hoping to muffle the moans, but Bucky was too fast. He moved his head out of reach, smiling down at her deviously as she came.

Her moans filled the room, her nails digging in to his shoulder as she bucked her hips unrhythmatically into his palm. “Fuck.” She whimpered as she clung to his chest, trying to calm down from the overwhelming sensation.

Bucky pulled his fingers out of her before she could even catch a breath, little moans escaping her lips as she watched him suck his fingers soaked in her juices.

“Shit.” He breathed heavily as he looked down at where his fingers had just been, a noticble wet patch covering the material of her leggings. “You’re so fucking wet, soaked right through your leggings.”

Y/N whimpered in response, tugging his metal hand down to her mouth as she sucked on his fingers. Bucky clenched his jaw as he watched her submissively take his fingers, her soft plump lips wrapping around them.

“Bucky,” she breathed shakily as he pulled his fingers from her mouth to hold her hips. She wrapped her hands around his biceps as she pulled body against hers. “I want you to fuck me.”

He smiled darkly at her desperate state, his cock throbbing as he tilted his head to the side. “It’s gunna hurt.” He chuckled, enjoying the thought of impaling her on his cock. 

“Good,” She pouted as she ran her hands down his muscular form, desperate to feel his cock in her hand. “I want it to hurt.”

Bucky immediately caught on to what she was doing, his hands quickly moving to grab her wrists tightly. He skilfully used his strength to spin her around, her exposed chest pressing hard against the wall as he held her hands behind the small of her back.

Y/N let out a small cry, his body pressed tightly against her back. She felt the outline of his cock pressing against her ass cheek as she ground back into him. 

“Don’t you dare try and take control.” Bucky growled deeply, his head dropping as he watched his bulge rub against her. 

Bucky groaned at the feeling, he let go of her wrists, her palms moving to press against the wall. His hands quickly moved to pull the waistband of her leggings and panties down to free her ass. 

He gulped loudly as he watched the wetness pool down onto her panties. Bucky had to stop himself from dropping to his knees and fucking her with his tongue. 

“Come on Bucky,” Y/N whined desperately as she kicked her bottoms off the rest of the way, almost crying out of frustration. “Don’t you wanna fuck the brat out of me?” She turned her head to look at him, biting her lip as she watched him tugging on his cock that he’d pulled out of the confinements of his pants. 

He was huge. Her lips parted in a gasp as she took in the beauty of his cock. She had to stop herself from turning around and sucking him off. Bucky lifted his flesh hand up to her mouth, watching as she obediently licked a strip up his palm with her tongue. 

Bucky looked her almost naked form up and down, moving his wet hand to lubricate his cock as he tugged himself off. “God, you make me so wet, Bucky.” She moaned sensually, spreading her legs a little wider as she felt her juices running down the inside of her thigh. 

He closed his eyes, letting his metal fingers dig into her hip as he positioned himself behind her, lining his tip up with her dripping heat. He bit his lip, forcing his cock into her tight walls as she moaned like a pornstar for him.

“Oh, yes.” She screamed at the feeling of his thick length stretching her pussy. “Fuck, Bucky.” She felt his cock twitch inside of her, encouraging her to moan louder. She closed her eyes, leaning her cheek against the cold wall as she tried to adjust to his monstrous size. 

“Good girl, let everyone know who you belong to.” Bucky moaned as he stilled, fully sheathed inside of her. Her pussy clenched around him, hugging his thick shaft trying to milk him of his cum. 

“You’re so big.” She whimpered submissively, trying to stop her hips from jolting to get used to his cock throbbing inside of her. Bucky could tell that she was already fucked out, his cock was too much for her to take. But for once, she wasn’t answering him back or being a pain in his ass. She was begging him. 

Bucky bit down on his bottom lip as he suddenly began moving his hips in and out of her, the action easy because of how wet she was. He held her hips in place as she cried out, still trying to adjust to his size. Her tits bounced as she lost control of her body, pushing her palm harder against the wall as she steadied herself. 

“No, Bucky, wait.” She whimpered, moving her other hand back to push his hip back, needing a little more time to adjust. A dull ache took over her pussy as he fucked her relentlessly, easily fighting against where her hand was pushing him away. 

“You said you wanted it to hurt.” He growled dominantly, pulling her hips back against his cock as he fucked into her, treating her like his own little sex doll. His cock twitched at the sound of her erotic moans filling the room loudly, a grunt erupting from his lips as he watched his cock disappear into her pussy. 

Her clit throbbed with pleasure, her ass being pulled back harshly against his skin. Slapping sounds grew louder with her pussy still dripping with arousal, his cock easily slipping in and out of her. 

“I do,” She breathed heavily, her head spinning with pleasure as she dropped her hand from his hip, the feeling of needing to help him feel better overwhelming her senses. “Take it all out on me, Buck.” 

His hips didn’t let up, fucking deep into her as he felt a different feeling flow through his body. He looked at the girl in front of him, so ready to help him fuck away his problems. So ready to help him, where most people would’ve run.

Bucky’s heart felt like mush, a moan leaving his lips as Y/N arched her back into his touch. He moved his body forward to press his chest flush against her back, his metal hand pressing into the wall.

He’d pushed his cock deeper into her with the new angle, another loud moan of his name escaping her lips as she leaned her head back against his shoulder.

Bucky felt her pussy clenching around him again, his flesh arm wrapping around her chest to hug her tighter against him. She started circling her hips on his cock, a deep growl came from his chest as he fucked her.

“Did you mean it?” He whispered into her ear, fucking deep inside of her as he made her moan for him. She whimpered softly, her eyes closing in pure bliss as she felt his cock pressing against her cervix. 

She turned her head towards him, her eyes darkened and fucked out as she looked at his face. His stubble scratched her cheek, his eyes glistening in the dull light of the room. He waited for an answer for what seemed like a lifetime, his thrusts getting rougher as he clenched his thighs. 

“Did you mean it?” He repeated the question, feeling his balls slapping against her skin. Y/N looked up into his eyes, noticing the softness in them which wasn’t there before. “Did you mean it when you said you’re not scared of me?”

A warm feeling flooded Y/N’s heart as she saw that look again - the scared puppy look that she’d seen when Loki mentioned the winter soldier. Her chest tightened around itself, the pain in his eyes was so deep it almost hurt her to see. 

“Yes,” She nodded softly, her hand moving to play with his hair as she watched Bucky’s eyes flicker down to her lips. “Of course I meant it.” Her eyebrows raised, almost to confirm her sincerity as she pressed her lips to his. 

Bucky sighed in relief as he felt her lips against his, embarrassingly too shy to do it himself. He deepened his thrusts, hugging her body as he fucked up into her. But now it was more than fucking, it was like they were connected on a completely different level. Like they understood each other more than anyone else would ever understand them. Y/N had never seen this side of him before and it was making her fall in love. and that scared her.

She pushed her ass back against him, moaning into the kiss as she felt his cock twitching inside her walls. She knew she was close, her clit tingling at the full feeling of his length fucking her. Bucky knew it too, he felt the way she was squeezing around him. 

He felt an overwhelming amount of emotion coursing through his veins, his heart almost beating out of his chest as he slid his cock out of her. Before she could protest, Bucky spun Y/N to face him, his chest heaving as she pressed her hand against his peck. 

“Do you think you could ever love me?” He nudged her nose with his, looking down at the floor as he breathed shakily. Her eyes saddened at his vulnerability, wondering how many times that thought had crossed his mind, thinking the answer was no. “Do you think anyone could ever love me?” 

“God, you’re such a fucking idiot sometimes, Barnes.” She sighed with a sad smile, a little chuckle escaping her lips as Bucky looked up at her eyes in a moment of bravery. 

She wrapped her arms around his neck, feeling his automatically move to hold her hips. She felt his throbbing cock against her crotch, ignoring the sexual desire as she focused on taking care of his feelings. “Of course I love you.” She admitted shyly, the flush on her cheeks not just from the raw fucking. 

Bucky tried to control the smile from beaming on his face, but he failed miserably. She looked up at the handsome soldier, her heart skipping a beat knowing she was the reason for his happiness. “Why else do you think I constantly bug you? Or instantly forgive you for all the things you do to make me mad, hm?” She played with his hair as Bucky licked his lips, admiring her through hooded eyes. 

She squealed as Bucky suddenly pressed his lips against hers deeply, giggling like a little school girl as he picked her up by her thighs. Bucky’s heart fluttered at the sound of her laughing, her hand cupping his stubble-covered face as she tilted her head into the kiss. 

Bucky turned them around, walking them over to his bed as he flicked his tongue between her parted lips. She moaned into the kiss, feeling herself falling before her back landed on the soft mattress. 

She opened her eyes when Bucky took his lips away, a small pouty smile on her lips as she watched him lifting his shirt over his head. She ran her hand down his bare chest as Bucky threw the material to the floor. 

Y/N took the opportunity to lift her sports bra the rest of the way off, letting it join Bucky’s t-shirt. He sat up between her legs, admiring her now fully naked form as he tugged his tracksuit pants off. 

Bucky hovered back over her, his hands coming to rest either side of her head as he followed her eyes to where his metal arm fused with his skin. He gulped loudly as her hand came up towards the modification, her eyes meeting his to ask for permission. 

Bucky nodded nervously, still in slight disbelief that she hadn’t run away yet. He felt her soft fingers trace the frame of the metal shoulder, following the boarder which connected to his flesh. His heart skipped a beat as she watched a soft smile cover her face, moving her eyes back up to meet his. “It’s so beautiful.”

“You’re beautiful.” He smiled down at her bashfully, moving his hand to grab hold of hers as he leaned down towards her lips. 

“My goodness, did I just hear old man Barnes call me-” 

He cut off her sass with a kiss, a chuckle erupting from both of them as he shook his head. “Don’t ruin the moment.” She scrunched his face up with a smile, looking down at her dotingly. 

“Sorry.” She giggled cheekily, wrapping her thighs around his hips as she pulled him closer. Her nails scratched lightly down his back as she lifted her head to kiss him again. 

Bucky groaned, feeling his cock rub against her pussy lips. A moan escaped Y/N’s lips as she tugged on his hair, feeling his cock pushing back inside her. 

“Fuck.” She let out in a whimper, her eyes big and innocent as she felt him bottom out inside of her. She tilted her head to the side, her other hand holding his chest as she deepened the kiss. 

Bucky started fucking her deep and slow, feeling every clench of her needy pussy. He breathed heavily through his nose, short grunts vibrating in his throat as he twitched inside of her. 

“Y/N,” He moaned deeply, letting their lips brush against each other as her breath tickled his face. “I love you.” He clenched his jaw as he felt his orgasm approaching fast. 

Her tits bounced against his chest, her back arching at the feeling of him filling her sweet cunt with his cock. “I love you, Buck.” She let out with a cry, Bucky’s skin rubbing her throbbing clit as her thighs clenched around his body, a wave of euphoria erupted through her body. 

“Oh, Bucky.” Her hips erratically bucked up to meet his, her pussy pulsing around him as she came. Her nails dug harder into his back, leaving imprints that would at least last a day. 

“Fuck.” Bucky moaned into her neck, his brows furrowing into a frown as he muffled his grunts against her skin. The feeling of her coming on top of him had Bucky’s hands gripping tightly at the bedsheets. “I’m gunna cum.” 

“Bucky,” She whimpered shyly, rubbing the back of his neck soothingly as she hugged him close, rolling her hips onto his. “Can you cum inside me?” 

“You want me to?” He groaned softly, trying to stop himself from cumming so soon, but the feeling of her was too good. 

“Please.” She nodded as Bucky turned his head to look at her, hovering his lips against hers for a second before pressing them against his passionately. He felt his orgasm hit, his hips rutting into her as he filled her with his cum. 

Y/N looked down at where their bodies were connected, watching his cock slide into her overstimulated pussy as he rode out his high. She whimpered softly as she rubbed his shoulder soothingly, his softening cock slipping out of her. 

Bucky looked down too, both watching as his cum dribbled out of her pussy. He smiled proudly before looking back up at her, tracing his finger over her cheek lightly. “Guess the team will be happy that this means our constant bickering will stop.” Bucky chuckled sweetly, looking down at her face. 

“What does this mean?” She prodded him lightly with her finger, smiling up at him as she admired his gorgeous eyes. 

“It means you’re my girl.” He mumbled before kissing her lips softly. 

“Do I get a say in this at all?” She faked a shocked look and giggled in amusement, watching the cheeky smile appear on his face. 

Bucky shook his head before kissing her again. “No.” He smiled softly, the feeling of pure happiness making him kiss her over and over.

“Okay, fine, I’ll be your girl.” She let out a fake sigh of exasperation, her heart thudding against her chest like she’d never felt before. “But I just have one question.” 

“Okay.” Bucky dragged out the word suspiciously, sitting up on his knees as he rubbed the tops of her thighs. 

“Do you honestly think me being your girlfriend means I’m not gunna still constantly annoy the shit out of you?” She let out lowly with a smirk, watching Bucky groan dramatically as he dropped down next to her on the bed, a huge smile on his face.

He knew she was right, but he didn't mind at all. In fact, he never minded before anyway.

tag list:

@harrysthiccthighss

@annestine

@bestofbucky

@be-patient-be-good

@nothing0is4here

@velvetcardiganbucky

[goldengoddess]

you’re my home - kaz brekker

pairing: kaz brekker x heartrenderi!reader

request: hi!can i request a kaz brekker x reader where they were childhood friends but she had to leave because she was a grisha, and later at the fete they see each other again and she ends up helping the crows?thank you!!have a great day!

a/n: hey i hope this is what you like! i based it more off the show and just switched things around,,,, this is absolutely cheesy and i hate it and i didn’t know how to end it pls forgive me omg

warnings: normal heist stuff, like one curse word?

kaz brekker had changed since the last time you saw him. 

to start, he was taller. he’d grown at least two feet. he’d also grown into himself, he didn’t look like the lanky boy that you had once pulled out of the garbage can that one time. and he had a noticeable limp, something that he hadn’t had when the two of you had last talked. his clothes were different too, he was wearing a little palace guards uniform. 

but you knew who he was anyways. 

his voice was the same, the same comforting sound that invaded your dreams on a good night and had you screaming on a bad night. when you heard him whispering you whipped your head around in panic. he was leaning down talking to suli girl in hushed and angry tones. 

when had he become a palace guard? you wondered to yourself, how hadn’t you noticed before? why was he in ravka of all places?

a silly thought came into your head, was he looking for you?

but you pushed the thought away, moving close enough to listen but not to get caught. 

“take your position” you heard him say to the girl, also in guards uniform.

she moved away silently, too silently. 

kaz straightened himself and surely enough turned his head in your direction.

his eyes were also the same. they were the same color the same look. but they were hardened and cold. the eyes of a boy who had done everything too survive. even the things that he didn’t want to do. 

his face was shocked for only a fraction of a second before he regained his composure and faced the rest of the room. standing straight and poised like any of the other palace guards.

had he not recognized you? no, that couldn’t be it. the two of you had grown up together, yes you had changed but not enough that he wouldn’t know who you were. maybe he resented you. for leaving. for being grisha. for having been taken away and saved from the streets of ketterdam unlike him. 

you remembered the day they had taken you away.

you and kaz were huddled in the corner of the room away from the rest of the kids your age. 

the two of you were been inseparable. stuck together like glue, everyone said.

both of you worked the shitty jobs in the barrel. the ones no one else wanted to do. you ran around the streets delivering packages and messages. you would clean up anything that needed cleaning. the two of you were survivors.

kaz never talked about his brother or how he’d ended up working the streets like this, but you knew, even then as a little kid, you were all he had. 

but nothing good ever lasted for little kaz brekker.

when the grisha examiners landed in the harbor of the city, all of the children running around making trouble on the street were forced to get tested.

you and kaz weren’t any different. 

you tried to hold onto him as the adults gripped to your arm, testing your for abilities in the small science. when they determined that you were grisha, and promised you a wonderful life at the little palace, they had to rip you from kaz’s arms.

the both of you were wailing and protesting, saying that you wouldn't go anywhere without the other. but eventually the fight left you and you let them drag you away from your only family to a country you didn’t know 

you snapped back to the reality of the party going on around you. kaz still looked stoic and unphased a few feet away from you, as if your presence didn’t affect him at all. 

but his presence affected you tremendously. 

you had whined and cried when you first made it to the palace but you had loved your life here. being surrounded by other grisha, other heartrenderers. people who could do the same things as you. understood the need to use your powers. and you couldn’t deny how comforting it had been to settle into a life where you didn’t have to worry about whether you could make enough money to eat. 

you thought of kaz all the time. you thought of everything you had left behind but the only thing that had really mattered to you in that horrible place was kaz. you wondered what had become of the young boy you knew in the years since you had seen him.

just as you were about to make a move to talk to him, two squallers were storming in the direction of kaz and the silent girl he had been talking too before. 

the two of them shared a look and started walking in opposite directions. kaz walked past you, sparing you the fastest look ever. a look no one else would have even noticed. but you did because kaz brekker, your child hood best friend was finally in front of you. 

the hurried and suspicious steps of your fellow grisha, set off an alarm in your head. even when the two fo you were little, kaz was good at getting out of sticky situations. he has a gift for scheming and the sleight of hand.

he was here on a job, you concluded.

you waited a few seconds and then snuck away, following kaz out of the room where the main events of the fete were taking place. 

you walked in just in time to see the inferni make a move to attack kaz. you raised your arms and the grisha dropped like a stone. kaz turned around in a fighting stance and froze when he saw you. he kept his hands in fists, as if he was waiting for you to attack him too. 

you dropped you hands, “what are you doing here kaz?”

he dropped his hands as well but you could tell he was still on guard and looking for a way to leave the room.

"i don't have to explain myself to you” he all but growled at you.

you stepped away from him, like his words had physically wounded you.

he seemed to regret the words and took a couple of steps closer to you. 

“i’m here on a job and i really need to go find my team so if you’ll excuse me” he tried to move to the door that was behind you. 

“let me help” you said, almost desperate. he had just come back into your life, and yes it seemed like he resented you but you couldn’t let him go just yet. 

he looked at you skeptically but nodded his head, “i need to get to the courtyards with the carriages. can you take me there.”

you nodded and started leading the way. you turned through many different hallways, moving up and downstairs. every now and then you held up a hand for kaz to stop, as you listened for a heartbeat nearby. 

“you’re good at that” he mumbled, gesturing towards your heartrender movements. 

you nodded your head, a shy smile. “yeah i’ve had a lot of practice here.”

his face turned gloomy at that and you realized you had said the wrong thing. “yeah. i know” he said curtly. 

you stopped for a minute, turning to look at kaz in the dimly lit hallway.

“i’m sorry i left okay? i know it hurt you, i can only imagine how much it must have sucked. it was horrible here at first, i missed you every day. but i will not apologize for enjoying myself here and taking advantage of what i was taught. i like it here. i have friends, and a life, and im good at what i do and i will not allow you to make me feel bad about that.” you said all in one breath.

kaz didn’t say anything, choosing to look down at the floor instead of you. 

you sighed and took a step closer to him, you noticed he still wore the black gloves similar to the first pair that you had stolen for him when you two were younger.

“kaz,” you said, your voice shaking, “i missed you so much. i still miss you and you’re standing right in front of me. i get why you hate me but i really don’t want you to. so that’s why i’m helping you, that’s why i’m going to get you out of here without getting caught.” 

you turned on your heel, prepared to continue to lead him away. but before you could get away he grabbed your hand and spun you back around. 

he flinched at his own action and let go.

“i don’t hate you y/n. i get why you enjoyed yourself here, this over a life of petty and dangerous crime? of course this is the better opportunity but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt when you left.”

you bit your lip and nodded your head in understanding. 

he looked directly into your eyes, “i knew you would be here but i thought, hey what are the chances of actually running into you. having to see you happy and having to live with the fact that i never came to look for you.”

you took a step closer to him, “kaz i don’t blame you for not coming to get me, i wouldn’t have wanted you to anyway.”

he looked at you and for the first time he looked desperate. kaz brekker was never desperate. and if he was, he didn’t show it.

“come home with us” he said.

you raised your eye brows in surprise.

“come home with me” he corrected, looking at the wall to avoid your eyes

it was the same voice he had used all those years ago, when he was begging for you to stay. he wanted to you stay with him. to come home. to go back to the place that had broke kaz and would probably have broken you.

but it was kaz.

but ketterdam wasn’t your home anymore.

kaz had been your home, but was he still?

the two of you stayed silent. there was still so much the two of you needed to say. how you had probably loved him as a kid. how you probably loved him now. how you regretted never writing, never trying. how you missed ketterdam. how this place would be perfect if kaz was here with you. but there wasn’t enough time or courage to say those things.

so instead, you raised your arms in your fighting grisha stance and smiled at him.

“how about we get you out of here first and then we can decide is i become a fugitive of ravka to go play crime boss in ketterdam?” you teased.

he almost gave you a grin and you continued walking, a new found peace settled between the two of you.

kaz brekker in the little palace, who should have thought.