#but yeah just a thing I've noticed recently that kinda bothers me

[mirensiart]

i know you have a link to the tag for the pain sharing au in your pinned post, but do you have a link to the first part of the comic anywhere that's easy to access for those of us who mostly use the mobile tumblr app?

because i can find the newest post with that tag but its kinda hidden behind other posts with that tag but also it doesn't have a direct link to the first page nor does your pinned message.

i just think having one in either or both places would be a big help for those coming in late to the party and being able to start from the beginning without having to hit "prev" on every page of the comic until we get to the first one.

Hello anon

Here's a link to the first comic

And yeah I know, I need to do it and I will eventually do it

I didn't before because I personally wanted to do small unrelated comics with the concept so u wouldn't need to see the other comics to get what was going on

But then all of a sudden it kinda got a plot and now it became a proper comic 😅 which wasn't my intention at all, but it did happen

So yeah, I will make an archive eventually and put a link in each comic

The thing is I ONLY use mobile (phone/ipad) so I'd need to do this on PC which means asking my sister for hers and that's why I've been procrastinating on doing an archive style thing for this 🙈

But I've been thinking about this, yeah

[thetarsier]

THE QUESTION

a/n: okay so i'm kinda sorta out of my reblog-only purgatory and i finally have some motivation to post on here again!! requests are now being accepted again and i'll try to get the motivation to write them!! i've missed u lot :)

Word Count: ~700

Warnings/notes: not proofread, hotch being happy?

<3: aaron hotchner x reader

“Are you breaking up with me?” 

You had to admit, you hadn’t wanted the question to arise so quickly and upfront, but there it was, floating in front of the two of you. 

It was a rather romantic location to be broken up with; a picnic in the park on a nice spring afternoon. But Aaron was nice and he wouldn’t break up with you over the phone, or at home where you would have to leave and then come back for your things awkwardly. Or worse: be overheard by Jack.

It took Aaron a few seconds to comprehend what you said, “W-What?”

Ah. He hadn't expected to be caught out so early. Well, you were nothing if not merciful - Aaron did not have to let you down slowly if you did it for him. You'd felt as though he'd been leading up to it for a while now.

He had gone out a few times and been cagey about where he was going, he was being secretive, jumping when you entered rooms and seemingly being very interested in how you were interacting with the other people in his life.

It's so nice how you are with Jack.

It was your fault, really. You inserted yourself into his life, jumped head-first and hoped that that was what Aaron had wanted, needed. It wasn't. You weren't.

You braced yourself.

“Usually, when the guy starts to act strange, the girl suspects cheating, but I know you wouldn’t cheat - or at least I hope I know that you wouldn’t cheat - so the only thing left is that you’re breaking up with me.”

“I’m not breaking up with you, honey.”

“You’re not breaking up with me?”

“No.”

“Oh.”

Suddenly the idea of you stewing over your fictional breakup for even a few minutes was mortifyingly embarrassing. You wished you hadn't said anything at all, kept Aaron in the dark about your insecurity.

You looked up at the trees above you, trying to catch your breath.

“Though I should have guessed that you would have noticed something was going on, you’re a better profiler than I am,” He mumbled as he fished for something in his pocket. 

“Yeah, that’s why you’re the unit chief.” You rolled your eyes, giddy in your moment of relief that the best thing that had ever happened to you wasn’t changing. You didn’t even notice that he’d stopped looking for something until he went silent and you were forced to check on him. 

That’s when you saw the box. 

It wasn’t open yet, and you refused to overreact again before you were sure it wasn’t a promise ring, a necklace, or something else. But when Aaron opened the box to reveal the most engagement ring-looking engagement ring - a three-stone silver ring that was certainly too expensive to be a promise ring - you allowed yourself a small gasp. 

“Aaron-”

“I love you,” You didn’t mind the interruption when it came like that, “Jack loves you, you’re our family. I know that I’ve been acting strange recently, and that’s because I’ve been trying to keep this a secret when I’m so-” He paused to take in a breath, a grin spreading across his lips. “-So excited to put this ring on your finger. I almost just asked you to marry me last night.”

The confirmation that he was, in fact, asking you to marry him made tears form in your eyes, your heart overflowing with love but deeper. You couldn’t believe you’d thought he was breaking up with you. 

Aaron didn’t bother getting onto one knee - he’d done that before, and this time was different. He took a breath in, released it heavily, and then, with sparkling eyes:

“Will you marry me?”

“Yes. Yes!” You could barely get out the word before Aaron had closed the box and practically launched himself forward, catching your face in his hands and kissing you passionately.

Later, you would laugh with your friends about the question you'd asked, the question that had been plaguing your mind for days, and how it contrasted so wildly with the question that Aaron had asked, the question he'd been thinking about for months.

[tr4sh-u]

My best friend and i recently had a sleepover and stuff and we decided to rewatch from ep 22-camp arc+fnafhs s2+watch fhs z3ro 4 the first time and DEAR GOD.

it showed me how fucking much i forgot some of the characters acted like and jesus christ, i've been blinded fully by my interpretations and my au because MAN did i end up fucking hating each fucking Meg scene. I tried having so much pity for her but once i got to rewatch the whole Toddy introduction to the toys i wanted so bad to pull those cotton candy emo hairs out of her skull.

First of all, she doesn't care jack shit about Bon and that makes me FURIOUS because he's her friend and although their relationship is just friendly, they should totally and FULLY have a deeper bond than just her talking to him sometimes and joking about his disaventures instead of helping him. FOR FUCKS SAKE HE GOT ATTACKED BY A BEAR AND MEG DIDN'T SAY JACK SHIT.

Meg cares more about some stupid competition and band than HER OWN FRIEND, and that fucking bothers me because the toys are supposed to be a band that at the same time is a supportive friend group who are there for eachother in tough times. How am i supposed to believe Meg cares about Bon when it feels like she has a knack for seeing the poor guy suffer?.

Also Joy for some reason also feels like she's bad but in a sense she's an enabler and altough supportive she still has the bad actitude though more subtle. idk if y'all get my point

it's like maybe a the other dad situation or maybe blue diamond type situation (kinda rusty w/ su i haven't watched it in a LONG time)

She's more subtle in a sense she doesn't show care about what happens to Bon physically and doesn't really do shit about Meg's behaviour, she totally understands Bon situation and ofc she's an amazing friend for Bon, but like still, when it comes to Meg it's like all that platonic love and support for Bon disappears and doesn't do anything about Meg, or even Toddy.

Yeah i know Toddy appeared bratty on her introduction to the band, but realise Joy literally said she doesn't mind her and even wanted her to stay, but as soon as Meg says "nah i hate this girl who i barely know just because she has a bad actitud (speak for YOURSELF) and doesn't play any instruments" Joy gets shut down and doesn't say jack shit??? Even though after Meg said that Bon was practically on HIS KNEES telling Meg to PLEASE include Toddy into the band, wouldn't idk Joy join Bon on his cause, like why doesn't she do anything about that and just watch?

I know i sound like a mad man who over analyses everything and i know i'm taking too seriously that scene, but seriously, Meg was really in the wrong for that and it never gets recalled afterwards or even slightly fixed, and Joy should've stood up more for Bon and Toddy as she would've probably very easily noticed how desperately Bon wanted Toddy to be included.

And don't even get me STARTED on the whole headphones thing, oh Meg it's over for you, you better lock those doors in that tax evasion house of yours, because once i catch you i'm getting you locked up in my basement and forcing you to crunch and mass produce art pieces and comics that i would later post as mine.

[anonymous-dentist]

Will you still continue writing and putting qbbh in your stories?

I'm asking this question after months because I can't stand people "separating" the cc from the character, when it can't be done, not when the cc defends such a despicable person. I kept quiet for a long time because you're my favorite writer, but I'm tired of pretending that it doesn't bother me because I suffer daily from racism and xenophobia (things that both qbbh and cc don't seem to care about JAJAJA).

I don't know if you will respond to this or just ignore it, but regardless, thank you for writing such beautiful works and stories, I won't follow you any further, not until I have your response. And if you keep writing Defender of the Bastard, I'll pretend I've never read any of your works, that I've never even met you.

I used the translator to make the job easier 0___=

Okay, anon, I'll start this by saying that I 100% understand where you're coming from. If you've seen my pinned, you know that I hate that shitty green teletubby and all his friends equally, and I do NOT fuck with anyone supporting them. And you've probably seen me speaking up about the freakish xenophobia that parts of Bad's fandom have been taking part in basically since April (that I know about, I've never been a viewer.)

But also? I don't write qBBH. I've written him maybe five times Ever since the QSMP started, and three of those five times were in Breaking Dawn. And, even then, he's not really super important to the narrative at all, and he was never going to be. If anyone from the book club was gonna be important, it would be Maxo because he was super important during the Regret Arc, unlike Bad. And you may have noticed that I haven't even mentioned Bad in that fic since he started getting weird about Dream recently. I legitimately rewrote all of the most recent chapter to keep Bad out of it.

With my other current multichapters (Let a Spider Run, Evil Eye), he was never gonna be a big part of them because I quite genuinely just don't give a shit about his character and because his character isn't too important to the parts of qCellbit and qRoier's stories that I want to explore. Breaking Dawn? Regret Arc. Let a Spider Run? ...Kinda all over the place, but it's the bit of May when Cellbit and Roier started getting interested in each other. Evil Eye? Current "Fuck The Federation" Arc. So if you wanna follow those, go ahead, Bad would only be a cameo mention at most, almost definitely not someone super important. The fic he'd appear most in would be Breaking Dawn, but even then it's like one or two more times because, again, Maxo is actually the more important one there. Limited roles, dig?

But also? You have no right to demand what I do and do not put in my writing. Am I gonna put Bad in anymore? Not in any huge role because I never did, but you showed up and decided to effectively threaten me into not writing him at all by saying you'll never read again. And that's disappointing because I'm so ridiculously thankful for all my readers and I never want to make anyone uncomfortable, but you coming in and demanding I effectively change the plot to my passion project instead of coming and talking to me in dms or something is just kind of a dick move.

I don't hold anything against you, anon, and I won't hold anything against anyone who decides to unfollow me because I'm gonna keep having qBad appear as minor characters in my fics, but you've gotta understand that he's a character. Does he suck? Yeah, and so does the CC, but separating fact from fiction is a vital part of appreciating Minecraft RP storytelling. And I 100% understand having difficulty separating character from CC when it comes to a CC who has done some real shitty things, but sometimes you just need to take a step back and stop consuming content from something that brings you this much distress just by having a single character in it.

You're probably young, and I'm really, really sorry that you've dealt with so much horrible bullshit because of this one man's fandom, and I'm sorry that this guy is on a server that you love and appreciate and I understand that so well (I was a DSMP writer for a while, after all), and I hope that you understand what I'm saying here. I'm not currently planning on including him in anything beyond one or two brief appearances in Breaking Dawn, but you don't really have much of a right to demand that of me. I made this decision weeks ago.

[thestobingirlie]

I love reading fics where Steve is disabled, be it hard of hearing, seizures, chronic migraines, like he's had too many concussions not to have any issues from it. (I think its because I have a neurological disability and Steve is my comfort character, so projecting.)

But something that really gives me the ick is I've noticed a lot more ST fic recently have been handling disabled characters in a really ableist way (100% not all, just noticed more) and quite often they're just infantilising the disabled characters. I've noticed this the most when Steve is disabled, because I mostly read Steve-centric fics, but I have also noticed it with Robin and Eddie.

I've been seeing a lot of other characters addressing Steve and Robin as if they were toddlers when they are written as disabled, in ways that no adult should speak to anyone who is over the age of 5. Especially when Steve is written in a post-seizure state, or Robin is having a panic attack. Like, they might not be fully aware, but they are not children.

Sometimes, its other characters treating Steve as if he is incapable of doing anything on his own if he is disabled. As if the only things he can do without constant supervision is lie in bed or sit on a couch and watch tv. I saw one fic where others scolded him for getting out of bed to go to the bathroom without asking for help, and it wasn't as if he was recently injured or fresh out of a seizure, he was in pretty good health aside from being at risk of seizures.

With Robin, I've seen her written as if she needs to be treated like a fragile 2 year old otherwise she is in a constant state of panic attack and is always totally useless, and I've seen people use this sort of attitude to write her out of the high stress situations. Or she will just always go off on unrelated tangents so she isn't useful because she interrupts the people who know what they're talking about. Or she's written as if her rambling is a liability and she can't be trusted because if she got caught she'd 100% tell the bad guys everything.

And with Eddie I've noticed some people who write him as autistic (I love autistic and ADHD Eddie) seem to have him just constantly biting people like he is a nonverbal three-year-old who has figured out that their easiest way to communicate is by using their teeth. And it always with the attitude "it doesn't matter if he hurts people by biting them because it is his method of self-regulating."

(And no, I do NOT accept the billy stans who claim that it is ableist to talk about the bad things he's done. like, no that man is not canonically disabled (I've seen billy stans say he is canonically bipolar or has bpd? Like no.), he is canonically racist and abusive. even if he was canonically disabled that isn't an excuse for his behavior. also, I know people that have bipolar or bpd, and they arent racist and abusive. in fact they are some of the most careful people about what they can control of their behavior because they are worried about becoming abusive to their loved ones).

sorry this is really disjointed and probably doesn't make much sense but I just needed to get it off my chest. and I just love your blog!

and i love you, random tumblr user! but yeah, always feel free to just drop thoughts into my inbox, i’ll try and sort through them lmao

i enjoy reading fics where steve’s injuries have repercussions too. though it definitely isn’t always written well.

i think because the duffers ignore his injuries so much, people kinda go into hyperdrive and over-acknowledge them, almost. i think it also comes from wanting steve to be as angsty as possible, which means people don’t treat his disability’s very… nicely? they usually just use his conditions to ruin his life and make him miserable, and infantilise him, like you said.

i honestly think people just know fuck all about seizures, and cannot be bothered to look it up, but still want steve to experience them so they can make him as sad and depressed as possible.

they see seizures as this, like, life-ending condition, and so use them to kinda destroy steve’s life.

i think a lot of people also use his disabilities to get steve cared for, because we all want people to take care of the poor boy. but again, they just over-do it, and make it seem like he’s a little baby that can’t do anything.

i honestly don’t think most of these people are doing this from a place of harm. i think they honestly want to depict steve experiencing these things and being comforted etc. they’re just kinda ignorant.

i am very lucky that i haven’t seen fics that treat robin like that, because i honestly think i’d explode lol.

and yeah, the biting thing was kinda funny at first, and then it got kinda weird… people just see a fandom joke and do what fandoms always do, which is drag it out, and make it so extreme it’s barely recognisable as the original idea.

(yeah, with no character should you excuse their actions with a mental illness. like, billy’s abuse explains why he is the way he is, but it doesn’t excuse it. even when you have a mental illness you can’t just use that as an excuse to treat people like crap, and they’re entitled to call you out for doing so.)

[hollownekomata]

Dear Diary (from Rose)

“Dear Diary” - Rose! ᓚᘏᗢ

--

"Dear diary,

Erraaaands~ I love getting assigned to restock equip —lets me walk around the Seireitei. And this time, I didn't lose the list on my way to the shopping district! Held onto the thing like my own sword. Yay! Go, Miele! ->

I've noticed some shop owners have started picking up on my difficulties with numbers and have been helping me out—well, the nice ones who don't give me weird looks after all these months that is. At least I've learned to stand my ground when things get difficult. It's not easy, but as I always say, nobody ever said it would be. Thankfully, I didn't need to do that today.

While walking back, I passed by the Captain's quarters and overheard him practicing his guitar again. I'm not sure if he knows that I sometimes stop by his window to listen, or if he's just pretending not to notice. Whatever the case, I don't want to interrupt him, so I just sit nearby and leave quietly when he stops.

...it's not creepy, right? It's not like I'm eavesdropping—I just stay for the music. And I'm pretty sure he's the type who likes having an audience.

...great, now I'm worried he might get offended if he found out. Next time I should just ask if I can stay and listen.

Easier said than done. It's just... really hard to talk to him lately, but it's not his fault, he's the same as always with his head in the clouds and all. Whenever he addresses me, though, I feel this …burning grasp in my chest, it’s almost painful but not quite. It rushes up to my throat and it causes me to stutter because it feels like I’m choking. I used to be able to talk back at him and poke fun, but recently, I just …turn my head. Can't look at him in the eyes for long before the burning feeling starts.

I just can’t pinpoint what’s going on. It’s scary. It hurts, kinda. Maybe I’m just coming down with the flu? It only happens around him, though, and it’s clearly starting to distract me from my duties (I’m sorry, poor glass of water from the other day. My hand was too sweaty).

I thought that avoiding him could help me figure out what's wrong with me, but I keep going back on that; plus, it’s not that helpful when I end up thinking about him so often anyways. Why is my heart pounding like this? I’m just writing

I think I should tell Ayame; maybe she'll have some advice for me. Her and the Captain are good friends, maybe she yeah no, don't be ridiculous Miele, don't go and bother Ayame with your silly thoughts. What would I even tell her? "I feel like my heart will jump out of my chest when my Captain speaks to me"?

That's stupid. I'm just being stupid and need to snap out of it. I'm an Arrancar, for the Three Realms' sake. I should be able to fight off a little flu.

Maybe I should stop pestering him altogether. I'm just glad he can find some time to take a break and have fun. He’s a busy man… I think.

My head's spinning a bit, I should go to bed.

--Miele, why is my face burning"

[hyenahunt]

Rouge & Ruby: Warmth and Compassion - 1

Writer: Umeda Chitose

Season: Winter

Characters: Jun, Hiyori

Proofreading: royalquintet (JP) & Skyress (ENG)

Translation: hyenahunt

Hiyori: ...Well, you're a warrior of love, after all. Once you noticed the internal struggle Ibara was battling with, you simply couldn't leave him be.

[Read on my blog for the best viewing experience with Oi~ssu ♪]

Jun: … (Sigh)

Hiyori: Sighing again? Jun-kun, just how many times can you sigh in a day before you're satisfied?

It won't be my fault if your happiness flies out the window! But of course, with me around, I'm sure it'll be in no hurry to leave ♪

Jun: What's your point, exactly.

Jun: ...Oh, it's that thing about happiness escaping whenever you sigh, huh.

Well, since it can hang out around you instead of gloomy ol' me, won't my happiness be pretty happy about that~?

Hiyori: Since it can hang out with me... What, now you're thinking about your happiness's happiness?

We have work as Eve after this, too, so sort yourself out!

Jun: ...I'm sorry. I'll do my best to get myself together when it's time to work.

Hiyori: You've been in this state for a while recently, Jun-kun, and I know you'll switch gears during work, but...

I'd much rather you straighten up and stop moping each and every time we have a spare moment in between. Aren't you tired of being so stuck in your own head?

Jun: It's harder to stay out of my head, y'know~...

Sigh... Maybe I really was kinda outta line with what I said to Ibara, wasn't I?

Hiyori: Good grief. I've long lost count of how many times I've heard you say that by now!

"Maybe I said something outta line~" this, and "Maybe I sounded all full of myself~" that.

The moment something leaves your mouth you can't ever take it back, so you have to take responsibility for what you say, you understand?

Jun: You've got a point there...

Hiyori: Goodness. Well, you've never disagreed with Ibara in this way before, Jun-kun.

I was so intrigued when it happened and looked forward to seeing how it would turn out, but now all your indecisiveness has me rather fed up, honestly.

Hiyori: ...Jun-kun, all you did was share your honest opinion. There's nothing wrong with conveying your feelings, okay?

You were able to say it precisely because you're you, and Ibara's sure to have had his own conflicted feelings on it already.

Jun: ... You're right. If he hadn't, he wouldn't have got up and left like that.

...But still, I didn't make him mad at me, did I? What was up with his attitude back then?

Hiyori: Who knows? I for one certainly don't understand what he's thinking.

After all, even though we're continuing to have a decent amount of work separately as Adam and Eve, we also still have work all together as Eden.

Actually, hang on. We're all living in the same dorm, so if it's truly bothering you so much, why don't you just go talk to him about it?

Jun: Um, well... I mean, we barely look at each other when we're working, let alone talk...

But he's going about work as normal without seeming fazed by it at all, so it's got me wondering if I'm the only one so hung up over this, and —

Ugh, I'm such a mess! What the fuck am I supposed to do?!

Hiyori: Come now, Jun-kun, watch your language.

The fact that you're the one so worked up over this rather than Ibara is really rather amusing, though ♪

Jun: It's not funny, y'know~

... I mean, whenever we have any issues or complaints about anything, we've always just told Ibara, right?

And he'll hear us out, and manage to find some middle ground everyone's happy with, yeah?

Even when dealing with someone as self-centred as you, he'll still always stop to consider things and figure out some kinda compromise...

Hiyori: What was that? I do believe you just said something absolutely uncalled for?

Jun: (completely ignoring him) Man, that guy's actually always doing incredible stuff for us~

Back when we were filming that MV, too... It was thanks to Ibara's honest pep talk that I had the confidence to tackle it head-on.

Hiyori: And back then, I was the only one left in the dark!

Jun: I've apologised over and over already, haven't I? I've already told you I'm sorry for clamming up and not talking to you 'bout it...

Hiyori: You have. Well, I'll stop being all sullen about it, and this time I'll get myself just a touch involved in your little interpersonal problem so you can't leave me out again.

Jun: Um, you were right there with us listening to our convo, so there's no way you'd be left out of this, though...?

Hiyori: Look, it feels different, you understand!

It seems that since then, Ibara's come up with some plans for a new direction to head in. You know how he is. Jun-kun, you ought to move on from this, too.

What Ibara wants to do for Chocolat Fes is for our sake — for Eden, isn't it? It's a wish of his that you may even call a long-held aspiration, really.

That's why Nagisa-kun and I voiced no opposition to his plan. But Jun-kun, you were the only one who pushed back on it.

Jun: …………

Hiyori: I'm sure you can look within yourself to understand why exactly you said something like that, yes?

Jun: ... It just seemed to me that Ibara wasn't completely down with having to work COMP into his plans, I guess. It felt like he was kinda ticked off about it.

And being the kinda person I am, I just... couldn't stand the idea of shit getting in the way of something he's so passionate about.

So without even thinking 'bout it I just went and said I was against it... Then I got a lil' out of line with the things I blurted out after that.

In the end, I wound up getting called annoying.

Hiyori: ...Well, you're a warrior of love, after all. Once you noticed the internal struggle Ibara was battling with, you simply couldn't leave him be.

Jun: Whaddya mean, "warrior of love".

Hiyori: ....Hehe ♪

Back then, I certainly picked up on the feelings you just described, Jun-kun.

But to me, I would guess that the reason why you were able to speak your mind to Ibara is because you have a different perspective on Valentine's Day from him.

Jun: A different perspective of Valentine's Day...?

Hiyori: That's right. I mean, at the time you called Valentine's Day a "tender event filled with love", didn't you?

Unlike Ibara, you don't see it as a battlefield to conquer. Wouldn't you call that a difference in perspective?

Jun: Um... sorta...?

Hiyori: The fact you could say something like that surely means you have an ideal image of what it looks like, no?

Hiyori: Now, I'd like you to tell me all about it. What would a typical Valentine's Day look like to you?

[ ☆ ]

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[woetoy]

Anon art human again, I mean finding views or just acknowledgement for you art, I'm broke and either way wouldn't feel right blazing the nsfw stuff I draw but it gets no traffic or notes. Idk leaving an ask was impulsive but I really respect your art and was curious how you got your followers, if it was more a waiting thing or you found the right areas to post.

I dunno, it probably takes patients to get attention but finding motivation to make good art and then getting nothing but emptiness and boredom at the end of the process isn't motivating lol. Anyways Im thankful for your response and apologetic cause I got this trigger instinct to just blurt my questions to the cool artist I found on tumblr, and I'm sorry for bothering you so

No worries, I just felt bad that I didn't understand ya!

Getting noticed depends on a lot of things. I've had several accounts through 12 years spent on this site, and this one is the first that kinda popped off!

Do you make art that has crowd appeal? As in, is it a little silly, cute or relatable? Does it have a story behind it besides looking pretty? Is it attached to a fandom? Are you making stuff for an underrepresented niche? I often see people make something that is technically impressive, or their personal best, but it doesn't get shared too much because it lacks that appeal. It sounds harsh, I know, but it happens to me too. Until recently, my most popular piece was a doodle I banged out in an hour - just how it is, but I'm happy it resonated with people! You can have a look around at what other people post and see which posts of theirs do better or worse as well.

I don't follow the rule of posting at specific peak times, or posting every day. But I do try to tag stuff appropriately. Tumblr only uses the first 5 tags from your post in the search function, the rest you use for categorizing for your blog. So if you're starting out, it really is a waiting game until someone notices and shares your stuff, unless you have a buddy that can boost you.

I come here to have fun, I make art for me and if other people like it - awesome! I don't really optimize that well for social media reach, I just have my characters and their little stories. I do my specific niche of porn/kinks that are fun for me to draw and talk about. It helps that I have a more solid art style now than I did when I started. Apparently I've been doing NSFW for the past 7 years, and early this year is when it took off on tumblr.

To counteract the emptiness, it helps to have friends to bounce ideas around with or to make characters together with. It's why I create, really. I do it with friends because that's what I find fulfilling. And then I feel driven to draw and post about it as well, and that's been true all this time for me.

I hope you can find fulfillment as well, I think it does come through sometimes if a piece was made for reach or from personal joy. I for sure see that in ancient fanart I've done, I hate those pieces. But the personal stuff that I did for fun is still cute to me, even if it did get at most 5 notes way back when.

Sorry if my thoughts are jumbled. But yeah, this is what I do and what worked for me. But it's always different person to person. Much luck in your endeavors!

[elfmoon3]

A Shadowy Mist Chapter 26 (Transformers Animated story)

Pairings: Prowl x Oc, Bumblebee x Oc

Summary: With Reaper joining the group, things have been mystical lately.

Location: The Autobot Hideout in Detroit.

Everyone looked at Reaper, who calmly put his katana back on his back. Sari and the recent agents looked at him with amazement. Chris scoffed, "Show off." He said, "Dude, you totally helped us with those decepticon losers." Razor said. "Yeah, but the question is, how did you know Bumblebee and Prowl were in trouble?" Ash asked. Reaper sighed as he stood up, "Some weird looking spirit told me. He looked like a samurai." He said, "Strangely enough, he didn't look human." He added. That got Prowl's attention. Could this mysterious human be talking about his sensei Yoketron? "What other features did he have?" He asked Reaper, "Kinda white with black and gold. Seems wise, too." Reaper said, Shadow Mist looked surprised, "That almost sounds like.." She said, "..Yoketron." Prowl finished for her. "You know him?" Reaper asked, "He was my sensei back on Cybertron." Prowl answered, "I see. I'm sorry for your loss." Reaper said, bowing to the Autobot. "He must've been important to you." He added. "He was." Prowl said, "I've reunited with him at the Well of the All Spark." He added, "Then that tells me you were revived." Reaper said, "Yeah, by her." Prowl said, looking at Shadow Mist. "I used two types of energon to bring him back, regular and dark. But somehow, he's showing signs of Terrorcon likeness and is stronger, faster, and more agile." Shadow Mist explained. "That and the fangs." Bumblebee said, "But like I said in the forest, you're still the same Prowl we all know and care about." He added. Prowl smiled, and he's lucky to have a caring friend like Bumblebee. "Interesting." A familiar voice said. Everyone turned around to see LockDown at the door. "Never thought a human would be at the Well of the All Spark." The Bounty Hunter said. Reaper took out his weapon and was ready to fight. But Meagan placed her hand on her shoulder and shook her head as he looked at her. "He's not a decepticon." She told him. "Ya sure?" Reaper asked. "Positive." She said as she then explained that LockDown only works for anyone who pays him. Reaper sighed and put his weapon away. "You're an interesting human." LockDown said, "Well, to be honest, I'm not really human." Reaper said, the others looked at him with confusion. "Then your a vampire like Meagan?" Ash asked. Reaper shook his head, "I'm actually a spirit." He answered. "A spirit? Like an angel?" Sari asked. "You can say that." He said, "Then how can we see you?" Spike asked. "I consist of hard light, not only it helps me interact with the physical world, but I'm not subjective to the limitations of a living person. So basically, I'm able to cross from the physical world and the spirit world." He explained, "So that veil thingy that Meagan mentioned when she told us about the origin of Halloween doesn't bother you?" Bulkhead asked, "Not at all my giant green friend." Reaper answered. "Actually, Halloween is when I'm more busy." He added. Meagan looked at them. "You see, Reaper is known as a Demon Slayer, he and his comrades fight demons who enter into the physical world. But knowing the demonics, they stay away from technology." She explained. "That includes Cybertronians." She added. "Cool!" Spike and Razor said in unison. Skull stayed quiet, and left the room. Chris took noticed of this and excused himself to go talk with the young man. "Something wrong, kid?" He asked Skull. "It's nothing, sir." He said, "Just wanted to be alone." He said as he goes out the back door. LockDown also seems to noticed the young agent's sudden behavior as he saw him leaving into the night.

Sometime later in downtown Detroit.

Skull was at BurgerBot all by himself as the server gave him his meal, she noticed something parked near the window of where his seat is. "Cool car, is it yours?" She asked him, Skull turned to look out to see a green and black muscle car, he sighs as he noticed something about the vehicle, he said yes to the server so he doesn't scare her off. "I'll take this order outside if you don't mind?" He asked. As he got to an outside table near the green and black muscle car he sighed and sat down, "you know your not fooling me." He said, the car laughed, it turned out to be LockDown in vehicle mode. "Sorry kid, but I got curious when you left, but I'm not alone." He said as Chris came by with his own order. "Look, you can say what's on your mind, kiddo. Me and the Bounty Hunter are willing to listen." He said as he sat down. Skull sighed, "Alright, I give up. When Reaper talked about demons, memories of my sister's murder came crawling back." He said. "I was 15, she was 18, but one day she disappeared, and when they found her body, it was too late for her." He explained. "No one knows how she died, but suspicious cult activity was in our area and I feared she was a victim to that activity." He said sadly. LockDown looked into what he meant and sighed, "I may be working for the decepticons when needed, but I can't help but feel sorry for you, kid." He said, "Same here." Chris said, "But what happened to her wasn't your fault, mate." He added, "You don't have to beat yourself about it." Skull looked at Chris, for a strange person, he's really kind. "I know, I just wish I did something to save her that day." He said sadly. "You know what, kid. If I were a human bounty hunter, I'd find the sickos who put your sister offline." LockDown said, "But, I don't think revenge is your style. When you finish your fuel up, I'd like to take you somewhere. If you don't mind?" LockDown asked. Chris looked at the Cybertronian dead in the windshield. "As long as I go with him." He demanded. "Sure, Chris, if you have the fuel tank for it?" LockDown said. The Australian chuckled, "Try me, mate." He answered

To be continued...

[bonesandthebees]

Mild allergies to one specific fruit are so weird! Literally the only food that I'm allergic to is cantaloupe, and it's my favorite fruit too!

For the longest time I just sat there wondering why my lips were tingling and my throat felt kinda itchy (I don't have any trouble breathing when this happens, which is probably why it took me so long to figure out it was a mild allergic reaction). Then I decided to Google it one day and turns out I am allergic to my favorite fruit :(

nooooooo that sucks that it's your favorite fruit :( cantaloupe is so good too

yeah the reason I'm wondering if I'm allergic to dragonfruit is because of two instances I've had with it. about a year ago I got a dragonfruit smoothie bowl from this fancy health food cafe, and I got super weird swelling in my mouth that took like an hour to go down. however, besides dragonfruit the smoothie bowl was packed with a lot of fancy niche health food ingredients that I'd never tried before so I just assumed it was one of those things causing the reaction. then about a month or so ago my mom bought these dragonfruit frozen puree things that you just drop into smoothies. she kind of forgot about them but I got really into making smoothies for breakfast recently so I decided to use one, and while it was delicious I noticed while drinking the smoothie my mouth felt kind of weird and itchy? thankfully no intense swelling like before, but it definitely bothered me a bit. then I made the connection back to that dragonfruit smoothie bowl I had and was like wait a minute-

[summer-r-storm]

A short discussion of light and dark

Have you ever noticed how people seem to treat darker topics as the more "serious and adult" form of entertainment?

Because I do and it kinda bothers me.

Light, hopeful, whimsical stories seem often seem to be connected to children, while darker topics are regarded more mature and to a point that makes sense. Children don't see the bad things in the world as we adults do or at least we try to protect them from it. Stories written for them therefore don't delve too deep into topics that are considered too dark for them.

But the thing is: mature and dark are not the same thing. Serious and depressing are not the same. A story can be lighthearted and still be very serious.

Since I am a fantasy nerd I most often see this with fantasy stories. Be it games, movies or books. And I think it was my teenage years where I first noticed this phenomenon. If a story was darker, maybe bloodier, more deadly or dealt with mature themes like sex or abuse it was deemed better or more interesting by my peers. It wasn't that uncommon to hear critisism against a more lighthearted piece of media that boiled down to "it's unrealistic". And I think that is really nihilistic? The world isn't all sunshine and rainbows, no, but it is also not a horrible hell hole. Of course people who said this could have been just some teenage edgellrds who would eventually grow out of it, but here is the thing: some never did.

One piece of media I see this jappen to a lot is Legend of Zelda. While I haven't heard the critisism that it is unrealistic, I did hear people say that it is for children and then compare it to something more "mature" like Elden Ring or Dark Souls. Which is ... wild to me? Like yeah, both are fantasy games, but the target demographic is wildly different. At this point you are judging a game based of a colour palette.

"The old story of one hero defeating evil is so overdone and boring! It's so naive."

Yeah but it's also beautiful???

The hero that saves it all is a trope that lasted generations for a reason and while you can critisize aspects of it, it is simply fun. Maybe not to all, but to many who aren't always children.

I also hear that darker subjects are more thought provoking which I don't always disagree with, but I don't think the overall tone needs to be overly depressing for that. Lots of thoughts can also arive from how wonderful the world is.

I recently started watching Doctor Who and while yes, the show does have some really dark elements at times, I would consider it a very light hearted show. Because when I think of The Doctor I think of joy and wonder. I think about his laugh and his fascination with anything new he discovers. You could call his attitude to the universe almost childlike, with the biggest questions and thoughts raised not at how cruel the world is but at how wonderful it can be.

Another piece of media that manages to find a balance so wonderfully is Lord of the Rings. I don't think I have to explain anyone how beautiful those movies are, not in what you see, but what you feel. Lord of the Rings depicts a brutal war, people dieing, victories being bitter sweet. It is a journey full of hardships but also full of love. Love for your fellow soldiers, sworn brothers, for your people and land and the world in general.

"There is good in this world, Frodo."

And it is. The hope and the light are so wonderfully balanced with the dark ess and the death.

If anyone would have made the claim these movies would have been better if they were darker and the characters were more depressed due to the hardships they suffer, I would have called them a lunatic.

I've heard people say that they don't like reading YA fiction because it is too idealistic and prefer classic like Edgar Allen Poe like ... okay that can be a preference but the tone in which it is said sometimes suggested that they think it is "better" literature. And I don't like this elitism when it comes to fiction.

The cureent remake of Avatar - The last Airbender is another good example. Why did they try to make a show that is about war and genocide more mature and therefor darker, calling it something that would appeal to fans of Game of Thrones? Did they think it would be higher Art then? Or is it just because it was a cartoon which is for kids which is why it is less?

There is a similar thing going on in the shonen anime fandom. We all like to make fun of the "power or friendship" trope but people who call it cringe or unrealistic make me raise an eyebrow. The things I did for my friends that I couldn't have done without them is insane. I published a book and yeah it was a lot of hard work on my own but the only reason I could even get that far was because of the love and support of my friends. It's a real thing and if someone says it's unrealistic I just feel pity bc it just sounds like they didn't have very good friends growing up.

Light is wonderful. Joyful happy characters are inspiring. And I say that as an enjoyer of Angst. I like my stories to be dark and fucked up and pretty much every second character of mine deals with depression of some kind. But all of those dark moments couldn't work without light. If everything is depressing what should motivate my characters to fight?

There has to be good in this world. And fighting for it by overcoming the darkness is wonderful.

If there is only dark in a story I will not like it, just as much as I won't enjoy it if we sjy away from all of the darkness that could bother us. But neither of those sides speaks of maturity or quality and I wish some people would stop acting like it does.

Anyway, that was just me rambling. Find some light in your darkness, you deserve it. ✌

[oh-my-damn]

Okay I need some advice. I’m 22 and it’s never really bothered me that I’ve never had a boyfriend, had sex, etc. It truly doesn’t bother me in the slightest but last night me and my gfs were out and we ended up talking to some guys, just laughing and talking ya know? One guy asked for my number and my friend immediately was like ‘omg are you sure she’s a virgin u know’ and laughing trying to make it out as a joke but I knew she was being bitchy. I’ve notice this recently quite a lot with her like I got offered this business apprenticeship last week and I was so excited and she just kinda shit on it like ‘wow Business so fun doing that for the rest of your life’

Anyway lol, that was super long and I’m sorry but yeah. Pls tell me I’m not weird for being 22 and a virgin, I’m like the only one in my friend group and I can never forget because they remind me constantly lol

Okay, first of all.

I'm going to say this in the nicest way I can which is not at all. Dump her. Immediately.

That girl is not your friend.

I've had a friend like that. She would talk about my sex life to try and embarrass me, especially if we were amongst guys. She would literally spill details about my sex life at the table if we went out. Intimate details I'd told her in confidence. I am very open about sex and always wrote it off as her trying to be interesting because she didn't have much going on herself, but I should have seen the redflags when they first happened.

She was a bad fucking friend and ended up trying to ruin my life and get my severance at my job, when it closed down after I'd been there for seven years, taken away from me by lying to corporate (we worked at the same place, I was her boss).

Shady people have no place in your life. That is toxic, unacceptable behavior, and while it might be scary to cut people out of your life, I promise things will get so much better and easier once you do.

Would she be there if you truly needed someone? Would she come comfort you if you called?

Because if the answer is no or even if you're in doubt, then keep her at a distance. She may have insecurities that you trigger (she might be jealous of parts of your life or who you are etc) and it will only get worse because only insecure people treat their "friends" that way. That is not a friend.

Second of all, you're not weird for being a virgin at 22. I lost my virginity at 14, and it was a very lovely experience with my boyfriend at the time and I felt completely safe and have never regretted it since. But that is not how it goes for everyone.

I always tell my friends that your first time should be treasured; it should be with someone you feel safe and comfortable with, and it should be on your terms. Preferably with someone who understands the weight of the act of it being your first time and someone who cherishes you.

Of course, everyones experience is different, but I've always said to my friends that I hope they have a wholesome, safe, intimate experience, and whenever they've said "maybe I should just get it over with" I always talk them out of it.

It is not a bad thing to want to wait for the right person or right time - that's smart. You will remember this for the rest of your life (I've remembered mine, and I've cherished it, and it helped give me a very healthy relationship with sex. I understand everyone is different and have different experiences, so it might not be the same for everyone, but you asked for my advice and this is my experience)

Don't rush it and don't feel bad for taking your time. You should feel that it's right when it happens, and that the person you do it with is right, too.

Don't sweat it hon. It'll happen when it's supposed to happen.

But as for that friend....

Cut her off. Cut her out. She's no good and she won't get any better bc if you trigger her insecurities, it will spiral until it reaches a boiling point and it could end up affecting you way worse than you'd ever imagine.

Fake friends aren't friends, they're actually obstacles we need to get over in our life to make it better. ❤️

[babymorte]

Haha well what else is there to do at night other than game and scroll on here?🤷‍♂️🥲 and i have noticed a few of your posts about bo6 tbh, I haven't played it much yet myself, I don't even think I've prestieged yet tbh🤷‍♂️😅 and yeah, sleep problems are always super fun🙃😂

That's actually a very good point to be fair, nobody can use anything against you if everybody already knows everything haha, that's shit that you can't just keep stuff to yourself and not have to worry about people using stuff against you though!

It's good to build up walls for your own protection so that you can't get hurt emotionally or in other ways, but building walls is no good if you don't build a door too, you've got to allow yourself to be open and let your walls down with those that you trust enough to share with, being stuck behind the walls you've built with no way out won't help things get better (I'm pretty baked, so I hope that makes sense🤷‍♂️😂).

Yeah im the exact same way tbh, plus I find a lot of people hard to talk to and make conversation with, but some people are just so much easier to talk to than others, like some people just dont put any effort into convos and it ends up boring and one sided, you know?😅 I hooe im not bothering you with the anons btw, I get that you most likely have a lot of them.

I can get that, it takes a lot for me to open up too, it does help though when you find people that you can open up to and trust.

That actually sounds pretty cool tbh! There's bags where I live too, but i only every see a couple at night flying around, I do love the bat cave in the zoo just outside of the town where I live though👀😅

Ah okay, thats fair enough, in that case I can understand why you dont really dm with people! I just thought I'd send an anon when you turned them on because you're one of my favourite blogs and i nkticed you in my notes just as much as im probably in yours, I don't expect us to dm, but i am always open to talking if you ever want to😊 also, you shouldn't have to put up with bullies and dickheads messaging you! Nobody should have to deal with that kinda thing!

-🦇

honestly as of quite recently not much 😅 whaaaaa?? that’s such a shame im having so much fun 🤩 it’s the first cod i actually got really into outside of zombies cuz im really not all that good at fps like i played through the first few halos for the first time before i started getting better at fps and if you’ve ever seen the memes of like a couple playing cod together where the guy is real good and the girl is just happy to be there running around like a lost puppy yea that was me the entire time like the entirety of halo i think 2 there’s like that mission you’re on a giant ferry and enemies are jumping on it i was doing zero of the work and just admiring the scenery 😂😂😂 i need to go back finish those honestly 🤔 but i ended up playing the bo6 beta and had a blast and ever since its literally been my life like i even started watching the cdl 🤩 BUT i went from getting maybe 10 kills a game and like 60 deaths to 40-60 kills and 10-20 deaths in a few months n im nearly max prestige 🥳 im actually gonna hit 10p my next game and im hoping to hit max by the weekend im actually really excited. I might even try ranked when they make it so you can turn crossplay off 😅 you should totally give it a go though 😌 especially zombies it’s so much fun i like just going into directed and getting to level 15 and just chillen, mindlessly murdering shit 😂 i really think you should give it another go~ oh absolutely it also probably doesn’t help that i have a tendency to blast music and hype myself up while i play games so my adrenaline just keeps me awake 😭

ah nah it’s cool ive just told people i thought i was friends with super personal stuff and they posted it online to bully me or just told mass amounts of people as like a ha-ha moment so like i guess it’s a defence mechanism but im so jaded i don’t give a shit who knows what about me anymore but i still am a very private person despite it all like i overshare sure but it’s always calculated like im not dumb you know 😅

yeaaa about that door 😂 im extremely selective with who i let in, who i let get close. it’s just literally every time i do im lied to manipulated used and played for a fool so im just about ready to weld that door shut and everyone can try and rapunzel their way into my little silo ive made for myself 😅 n you’re totally good im very well versed in stoner 🤣

no yea totally. i mean the people who reach out to me on here are always so chill and are super engaging but i think it’s cuz i only respond to asks that seem like they’re gonna be engaging if that makes sense? like im honoured when people hype me up but i dont know as someone who has a hard time upholding convos and not wanting to disappoint people i try to keep convos about things i know i can ramble on about if that makes sense 😅 that kinda makes me sound cunty though but that’s not my intent i just know how awful i am in 99% of my interactions so it’s better if i just keep to myself. i mean hell this last literal year nearly to the day was the most/longest i talked to a single person n legit couldn’t tell you the last time i was that happy cuz 100% once you find someone easy to talk to and you just click the convo just flows so easily 🤩 oh my gosh not a bother at all~! im enjoying the convo honestly 🤍 i hope im not annoying you with my rambling and long as fuck responses i just don’t know how to be concise 😂🙏🏻

yes!! that’s seriously so true~ unfortunately for me i have gullible tattooed on my forehead and i have a tendency to be manipulated into trusting people i shouldn’t 😅 but im also very quick to realise when im being manipulated because im real good at pattern recognition 😂. but i just have a general rule of dont trust anyone even if they seem trustworthy until they start SHOWING that they can be trustworthy you know? especially online like ive never told anyone anything in private i wouldnt post myself. i just always try and keep it 100 😅

wait you have bats too that’s so dope 🤩 im so jealous you have a bat cave too 😭 that has to be so cool to go and see 🤩 theres an amusement part that has a zoo like 2hrs from me and every halloween they let you in the zoo after dark when all the nocturnals are out and its so frickin cool i went as a kid and got to hold a bat and a tarantula (which is how i started to love both)

ah yes i mean i do have one or two people i dm but they also know how shit i am at replies and they’re special circumstances 😂 but hey im not totally opposed to dmming~ i just always forget to check them here since it’s permanently at 99 and the only notifications i have properly turned on my phone are for snapchat 😅 n that’s definitely true but im just a fuckhead magnet of all sorts n i try to stay away from them as much as humanly possible 😂

[azurewhitewind]

A bit of a long vent about the Berserk fandom, trolls, antis, and proshippers...

This is some stuff I need to get off my chest that really bothered me for some years that I noticed with my ex-friends and just some people in adult fandoms, as well as others. I don't have an issue with proshippers perse, but I had to distance myself from a lot of the stuff I've seen. I even had to block people who are just pretty gross, to say the least. I can separate myself from fiction pretty well. It's something that I'm very grateful to my late grandfather for.

I'll be talking about some pretty dark stuff, but feel free to scroll past. I don't want y'all to be uncomfortable. It's just a rant that I feel like people need to be more mindful of others and polite online. I stay in my own lane and I use the content filter here which I love to use for things I don't enjoy very much and it makes a safe space for me as well as the other person's tag I'm blocking. Everyone wins this way and I wish more people understood this.

That being said, my late grandfather loved Dark fantasy and science fiction and I think if my grandfather was still around he would be about thirteen years older than Miura. So it makes sense and they both seem to love similar things, seemed to be common with that generation, or close to it. So I'm thinking I get it from my grandfather I guess, which is funny in itself. I love watching Star Wars, Star Trek, Twilight Zone, The Tales from the Crypt, Dark Crystal, etc. It's also what I watched with my grandfather and what he enjoyed. There's probably a lot more, but I can't remember it from the top of my head.

I've seen some similar stuff in Alien Vs Predator and Berserk, so I felt like it prepared me for this horrifying stuff and yeah, it's gross, but I was able to just step away and say, "Hey, it's fiction it's not hurting anyone." That being said, I don't condone that bad stuff that happens, and it can be good storytelling if it's done right. I can't get into a lot of newer media because it's just not as good. I guess I'm picky. Next, I want to read Vagabond, and I'll talk about it in another post once I start reading it.

I can understand that art and even dark artwork is a healthy way to process stuff, but the issue I have with some people is that they are romanticizing and glorifying these themes that are clearly bad. Not all proshippers do this, and it sucks that the term proshipper has been tainted. I remember it used to just mean that they don't attack people over fiction, but now it's just a huge mess, and I want nothing to do with it. It kinda feels like politics, which is exhausting as well.

The issue I have with proshippers is with their lack of tagging, and just that they seem really mentally unwell, but I can say the same about antis... Instead of blocking and muting tags, antis attack people, which is awful too, and they need to leave people alone. This stuff was pretty tiring on Twitter when I was very active there for years. I would see this go on and on. It seems to have moved to Bluesky now, but at least there are blocklists to protect people from harassment. It's never okay to attack people over fiction, and I'll never think it's okay. It's wrong, always.

I've also noticed this on the Berserk subreddit, it's getting to a point where I don't know if I'll use that anymore, which sucks since it was fun, but they go too far and the rape jokes are too much. That's a very traumatic experience for Casca and Guts that happened during the eclipse. They lost everything. When I first watched the 1997 anime, I remember just being shocked, sad, and then raged... This was back in November 2020, so some years ago. I had to take a break after that and didn't read the manga much until fairly recently.

It's been hard to open up to people nowadays, especially if I don't know their intentions, so seeing this in a manga at that is something else. I was really impressed by how accurate and human these characters are, including Griffith despite everything he has done. It's a result of being in a bad environment. I understand it since I also had hardships myself and a rough life, but I don't take it out on others and spite people. That's when I felt that he fell from grace. I loved him before he did all of that. It's so tragic, and I can understand what Miura was trying to tell when he wrote him.

Like Guts, I didn't see all the red flags with Griffith, because of everything that went on in this series, I just can't ship Guts with Griffith, even if all that didn't go down, I still would see them as brothers so I appreciate the GriffGuts tag since I don't want to see it so I mute it. Gutsca is my OTP. I'm not usually into straight pairings, but I love this one. So I guess it's unusual for me, but it's something different which is nice. That being said, I never saw Guts and Griffith's relationship as romantic. Griffith is so possessive and reminds me of an ex-friend who tried to ruin me and was like a sister to me. I know firsthand how friendships can fall apart if people don't talk about things.

He is a well-written character but is very realistic, and sadly, in real life, there are people like him that I used to be friends with. That's why I don't like him very much. Also rewatching this series I started picking up the warning signs, but yeah it's there the whole time honestly, I was iffy about him, but wanted the Band of the Hawk to succeed so I was hoping he would get better, but he got worse and blamed Guts for abandoning him when Guts just wanted to be his friend and be a better person.

It's tragic and a cautionary tale that I can relate to. This is so well written, and I hope to see it finished someday. It's helped me cope with a lot of stuff I'm going through so again, I don't have an issue with dark fantasy, clearly I'm a big fan of Berserk, but this dark content is very sad and disturbing at times. I just wish the fandom could act a bit more mature, but I realize there are a lot of underage fans, and I am concerned for their mental health.

I wouldn't have been able to handle this at that age, Alien VS predator really bothered me because I was too young to handle it and this is when my late Grandfather helped me process what was going on. It was pretty scary, but now that I'm older, I don't have much of an issue with it, and I see the message it's trying to tell. This stuff is made to be disturbing, and when done right, I don't have an issue with it, is all I'm saying. I'm just concerned about the youth on social media these days. Where are their parents? They should wait until their older to look at adult content. I'm glad I waited and was responsible online when I was a kid.

I guess I'll never understand the thought process that goes in these kid's minds. Maybe they're just lonely who knows. But yeah, I feel better to get this out there. I appreciate it if y'all made it this far. Sorry, it's so long. I had a lot to say. I plan on making a video about this series, and I realize I gotta prepare myself for trolls and just ignore them. They are rotten apples in every fandom, and I feel that it's important to just curate your space and have fun. That's what makes life worth living.

[ihavejustthisonethingtoshare]

HRT Journey

I started HRT about a year ago, and the Gender Spiral Podcast was definitely a big part of coming to the decision to try it. Hearing stories of other NBs, sharing similar doubts and uncertainties about their genders made me feel more secure that all these feelings are valid, and none of them are a strong enough deterrent from trying out taking T.

Thinking back on the moment of decision, Dr. Beal's take on the number of things you're excited about vs the number of things that scare you - makes so much sense! And that's pretty much how I arrived at the decision to try it. I was excited about more muscle definition around my neck, shoulders, and jaw, I was excited about stronger-looking arms, excited about a deeper voice. Not worried about body hair and more fat around the stomach. Kinda nervous about facial hair, and loss of head hair, and really hated the idea of bottom growth.

I started with a 2.5g daily dose of Testosterone Gel 1%. Improvements in mood and energy were felt almost immediately. It normalized within a few days. After a month, not noticing any physical changes I tried going up to 5.0g daily. I tried that for a month, but it got way too intense. I would get really horny, and would get random erections (?? i guess). And I hated it. It was the feeling of "bottom growth" I was worried I'd hate. This was all entangled in me coming to terms with being Ace too, so it didn't feel like me. I found that it wasn't bottom growth per se that bothered me - I just didn't want anything going on down there taking up space and attention. So I took a week break (maybe a month even) - no T at all. Until all these unwanted side effects subsided. And went back to 2.5g daily. And it all felt normal again. That's the best way I can describe it, with a small amount of T in my body I just feel normal. I would sometimes take a couple of days break after getting my period, if I was feeling overwhelmed. But mostly maintained the same dosage.

After 6 months I started noticing other physical differences. The hair on my chin and neck started to grow more. I thought it would bother me more - but it's just kinda there. I've always had some facial hair and was made to feel self-conscious about it. But accepting it as part of my trans-non-binary identity helped me be like - fuck it, that's just my body, it has hair places - deal with it. So I let it grow, and shave every couple of days. I got a fancy safety razor, and i actually really enjoy using it. And it all feels normal. I also noticed more definition around my neck, shoulders, and jaw. My voice started to drop a bit. Although I can still hit the same old high pitches, it's just the relaxed register is lower now. It feels more mucousy and nasally - but not in a bad way. After getting over a cold recently - I thought my voice was still hoarse - but then I was like - oh yeah, that's just my trans voice… something that I wasn't really expecting or thinking about (but makes sense in hindsight) the way my body smells changed. And I think the new smell bothers me less… my head hair actually started to grow back at my temples and the sides of my forehead. I was worried about additional hair loss, because I was already experiencing some, but now I think it may have been more anxiety-related, and getting a handle on that helped. My hair is still pretty thin at the top of my forehead, but with a good haircut, it doesn't bother me much.

My periods never stopped, which is a bummer. Not a fan of periods. When I was still trying to get a handle on my anxiety, period-time would be extra hard, and I'd often feel dizzy. It's better now - with T and a mix of anxiety meds. But still a work in progress. I'm trying the Slynd birth control pill to help with the periods. A bit nervous that it would counteract the T too much - since I'm on such a low dose already. But so far seems fine - and I have not needed to take a break from T during my last period, which is cool. But we'll see how it goes.

I think because I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, and had elevated levels of T at puberty - I wasn't too bothered by the changes my body was going through then. I was just having a hard time fitting into the idea of "girl" everyone tried to squeeze me into. But when I got older, the cysts went away and my T levels dropped, the way I was aging didn't feel right anymore. I stopped looking at myself in the mirror because I didn't recognize the person looking back anymore, and I much preferred my reflection in other people - through the eyes of people I loved and loved me. But it was getting really hard to connect with my own body. I simply couldn't see what they were seeing. I looked so jaded in the first video of myself I made to track my progress. I am so much happier now. I'm exploring new fashion, and it's fun again. I recognize myself in the mirror, and I like what I'm seeing. I'm still aging - and that is a gift in its own right - but the way I am aging makes sense now. I just feel normal.

I'm thinking about top surgery next. The boobs gotta go. They just don't make sense on my body anymore. I'm taking my time figuring it all out. I'm nervous about getting a major surgery. But the more I've been reading about it, the more right it feels.

I don't think I'm done transitioning, I don't think we ever truly arrive at a "final form". You just kinda go with the flow, and what feels right. But I do feel more secure in my identity now. And that's huge, honestly.

[mainstoryarchive]

Tumultuous Times - 60: Exception

Translator: Peace & 310mc

Proofreader: moricchiichan & Spoonbutt

Leo: UGHHHH! UUUUUUGH! UUUAAARRGGHH!

[Read on my blog for the best viewing experience with Oi~ssu ♪]

Location: ES Lobby

Leo: UGHHHH! UUUUUUGH! UUUAAARRGGHH!

It's fine! I'm a genius, so I'll work it out!

The best thing to do at times like this is to go back to the basics and think simply—just take all those jumbly, totally unrelated things and toss 'em right out the door!

It's like riding a bike! As long as I keep moving my hands, my body'll remember what to do and pick it right back up!

As long as I keep moving, I can do it! I'll create a new song — not just any old song, but this century's next masterpiece! I just know it! Wahaha!

Aira: Umm—

Leo: AAAAARGH! This is why I said not to talk to me, you! Just when I was on the verge of getting back that precious spark—now I've lost it completely!

I was waiting for this moment, y’know! All this screaming, lowering my oxygen level so I could lose consciousness as a human and devolve into an animal! Grrrrrr!

Aira: (W-What a strange person—We’d look sooo cringey if us losers acted weird, but it’s completely natural for Tsukinaga Leo of all people to do it.)

(He makes it seem like he’s reacting exactly how you’d expect him to— like a true genius.)

(I did hear that he’s very eccentric, but I thought they were just making up random rumors about him— But no, he— he really is that weird, huh?)

(I thought the people here like Kanzaki-senpai and Fushimi-senpai were just the type of people who put on a character, but— Is it just me, or is that actually more of a minority?)

(It’s like the abnormal is normal here— I dunno how long I could last in a place like this—)

Leo: —Uh, you're—Who're you? Do you need something?

Or are you one of Knights' newbies?

Sooorry, there's been a real upswing in new members, and you guys all look the same, so I can't remember a single name!

What's with all of you acting the same and making the same kinda faces? Is this some new way of tormenting me, since I'm so bad at remembering names and faces!?

Mayoi: Uuu, I'm sorry, I'm not particularly good with people—

But, ahh—You're even more adorable than I've heard—♪

Leo: Uh, don’t look at me like that, it’s weird—I dunno what it is and I dunno why either, but sometimes our fans'll give me the same look!

Ahhh, wait! That's it! Thanks to that, I can feel a new masterpiece coming on!

Wahaha! I think I've got it! The vague idea I could barely grasp is turning into a new song! Thanks a lot, you guys! I love you!

Now, whatever you guys wanted from me can wait! I gotta finish at least one song first! I gotta finish at least one song first! Ahhh, the notes are just flowing out of my fingertips, I really am a genius—☆

Hiiro: Hmm, I wanted to give back your sheet music, but if you want me to keep waiting, then I shall.

Leo: Yeah, you're a good kid! Even though I dunno who the heck you are, either!

Hiiro: My name is Amagi Hiiro. It’s nice to meet you. There’s something we must do soon, so I don’t think we can wait for that long. Instead, I’ll place your sheet music over here.

Leo: Oh, thanks! Suo~ and the others always get super mad when I make a mess of the sheet music! I dunno why, though! Even without it, I still have all the music in my head!

Hiiro: Hmm, does that mean— You’re composing music by any chance? You see, there was someone in my hometown who specialized in that job—

Leo: Oooh, sounds interesting! Tell me more! Normally I hate people trying to talk to me while I’m composing, but recently I noticed it can actually help a lot with new ideas!

Aira: H-hold up, Hiro-kun—! I think Leo-san’s busy right now, so don’t bother him!

Hiiro: Huh? I don’t mean to be a bother, though.

Leo: Yup, you're not bothering me! It's always noisy around me these days, so I got better at dealing with it! A little more noise won’t hurt!

Wahahaaa, I feel like I'm really using every part of my brain when I compose! I feel grrrreat!

Hiiro: Ahh, I know what you mean. Although what you’re saying differs a little from how it goes for me, Leo—senpai.

For example, the very moment I use up all the energy in my body and collapse, I—

Aira: H-Hiro-kun, did you not hear what I just said!? Don’t get in his wa—

W-woah, eep!?

Hiiro: ? What’s wrong, Aira?

Leo: Watsron Aira! I see, so that’s your name!

You've got a pretty face and a voice to match, wahaha! I'm Tsukinaga Leo!

Aira: Um, yes, I’m aware. But nevermind that right now—

S-Since when has the producer been here—?

Leo: Producer..?

Wahaha, it really is her! Anzu, Anzu Anzu Anzuuu~!

It's been so long—I think? It feels like I haven't seen you around much lately, or maybe I have? Which is it? I dunno!

—Mm? Anzuuu, what's up? What's with that "ehhhh" look you're giving me? Did I do something wrong?

Oh, is it because I'm supposed to call you "Producer" now? Are you mad 'cause I broke the rules?

Sorry, sorry! But Suo~ kept pestering me to call him by his first name, so—

I thought you'd like being called by your name, too! But maybe it's different for girls?

Mmm~, I don't get it! Human emotions really are a whole new level of confusing!

Don't you think so too, Anzu? Mm? Heeey, what're you doing all the way over there? What gives? C'mon, come back here, aren't we friends~?

— She ran away. What was up with that? Hey, uh. Aira? And— Hiro? D'you guys know what’s going on?

Aira: Um, how should we know—?

Hiiro: Hmm. For some reason, Anzu-san—Or rather, Producer-san has been avoiding us recently.

Previously, she would perform miniscule tasks to improve our wellbeing, and chat with us during those moments, but—

Lately, she runs away the moment she sees us, even when we pass by one another. —I wonder what’s wrong? I find it a little suspicious.

Aira: Mm~—Maybe she doesn’t wanna be around us underachievers— Wait, no, she wasn’t that kind of elitist, though!

If anything, she talks to even good-for-nothings like me despite the fact she’s a super higher-up in ES.

But huh—Now that you mention it, we haven’t really seen her around, I think?

Tatsumi: Hmm—But she does lend us practice uniforms, as well as help us out, even if it’s a small gesture—

But it feels like she’s avoiding being associated with us. We haven’t even had the chance to express our gratitude for everything she’s done.

Leo: Huh—Oh, so that's how it is.

Hiiro: ? What do you mean, Leo-senpai?

Leo: I'm not the one she's avoiding, it's you guys!

Whew, that's a relief~ I would've been really sad if Anzu hated me. Well, I guess "hate" isn't really the right word for it?

Honestly, it must be tough working in administration, huh? It’s too bad, 'cause it's people like you guys who need Anzu the most.

Hiiro: —?

[ ☆ ]

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