#but yeah i never tried to find any
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hey do you have any leads for some black sails merch ?
unfortunately i'm always broke so i never even bothered to look lmao. but from what i know fathoms deep had some nice merch? if you go to the common room radio website and then check the podcast, you should find the merch there
apart from that, i don't know of any other stuff available sorry 😭😭 maybe on like. redbubble or something lmao. but yeah if anyone has any other suggestions pls don't hesitate to add!!
#sorry this isn't very helpful sjsnsnns#but yeah i never tried to find any#and idk if any is even available anymore cause the show ended a while back :(#black sails#sails.ask
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「30歳まで売れないとアイドルになれるらしい」 (from cherry magic volume 12 special edition) — english translation
#cherry magic#my translation#ok immediately massive disclaimer there was a bunch of idol fandom+music+fashion terms in here ive never heard of so stuff might be v wrong#pls have mercy i tried my best with whatever info i could find 🙏#also another small t/n for a thing i Do know about . so on pg 4 kurosawa actually says '好きなんだよ' which has no object specifically#so the thing he says he likes depends wholly on context#since he says that straight up first it could be interpreted as him saying 'i like You' which is why adachi goes 'whuh???' and turns red-#-in the next panel for a second anyway before kurosawa clarifies that he means the songs#(but maybe he was backpedaling and was actually saying that he likes adachi at first . hmmmmm)#but yeah i couldnt find any good way to actually make that work in english so i thought ill have it in the tags at least#i wonder if sensei will continue this AU like she did wizardsawa that would be cool.... theres so much potential
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Just realized I never posted my Defiant Dragons/Ace Attorney pride phone case
#I threw the design together myself#I made the background slightly darker and added white outlines to everything to make them look like stickers#I'm not selling them tho cuz some of the ''stickers'' are fanmade by other ppl#but have unfortunately been reposted so many times I couldn't find the original artists#I don't want to sell something that uses other people's work without their permission so I just made one for myself#(if you drew any of these or know who did please let me know!)#I wish I had added Apollo's bracelet and Dhurke's badge but all the ones I could find were too 3D looking and didn't match the rest#plus I couldn't fit any more in without it looking overcrowded#anyways yeah if you couldn't tell I love the Defiant Dragons and I'm getting a tattoo of their emblem as soon as I can#also sorry for being an iPhone user 😔#in my defense I've never paid for any of my iPhones and the one time I tried switching to Android it turned out to be haunted#ace attorney#pwaa#nahyuta sahdmadhi#dhurke sahdmadhi#datz are'bal#original post#undescribed#aa6 spoilers#ace attorney spoilers#<<SORTA. my bf doesn't know Dhurke's last name yet and I don't want him to see
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my opinion on the Blake lively situation
#okay so I never HATED Blake lively#but I did have a feeling about her#so I’d always like purposely not interact or view any interview or anything of hers that came up on my feed#I DON’T like Ryan Reynolds and never have#I just find him a try hard and annoying#and I did not like the couple of Blake and Ryan#they just seemed soooo pick me#so yeah I tried to just ignore the whole downfall of Blake lively that’s been happening#bc sometimes I just don’t care to comment or learn about celeb drama#BUTTTT ofc i got sucked into it#and not Blake tryna have a Margot Robbie in Barbie moment 😂😂#‘bring your girlfriends and wear florals!1!1’ GIRL MARGOT NEVER TOLD ANYONE TO WEAR PINK TO BARBIE IT WAS A NATURAL THING#not to mention I didn’t even realise this movie was about domestic violence as I’ve never read the book#and it was NOT being marketed as one thanks to Blake and Ryan#also why did Ryan have to get involve#ALSO this morning I saw the interview from 2016 where Blake is being rude to the interview#and oh my god it’s awful like SHE FIRSTLY FAT SHAMES HER OFF THE BAT NO HESITATION#then proceeds to ignore the poor interviewer#like doesn’t give her eye contact AT ALL#which I felt so bad for the interview bc I’ve BEEN THERE#this is why I’d hate to be a celeb interview bc imagine getting treated like a third rate individual by these big headed LOSERS who think#they’re better than you just bc they’re famous#I could NOT#anyways also Blake tried to have a whole feminist moment when the interviewer asked her about the clothes she wears in the movie#‘would anyone ask the men about the clothes’#UM BITCH YES??? COSTUMES??? IN FILM?? IS A THING ???#also can I just say Blake has always had the worst hair ever and the fact she has a hair care line is insane bc SHE IS KNOWN TO HAVE BAD HAI#and I never thought her fashion was good like even when people were simping over her met gala outfits I NEVER EVER SAW THE VISION#anyways yeah lol#the interviewer thing triggered me lowkey like HOW RUDEEEE
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if dorian didn't show up, do you think louis would have shot minnie?
I do. I know some people think either he wouldn't have or he would've missed so that's why the writers had him shoot Dorian instead, but mmmmmm no, I don't personally think so. I like to think that if he had taken the shot, his shaky hands would've caused him to shoot her fatally.
Mostly because I'm already so normal about the fact that of the Ericson crew, Marlon and Louis are the only ones with a body count. Well, that we know of, but shown to us in the game, at least. Plus, we know it's Louis' first kill.
Like yeah, Clementine and AJ become part of the crew and they have bigger body counts, and if we're counting indirect kills caused by actions, then Tenn has a count... and I guess everyone has blood on their hands for blowing up the boat... but I'm talking about killed directly with a weapon like....... I lied, I'm not normal about that at all, Louis and Marlon are the ones who have killed someone in Louis' route. I'm also not normal about the fact that Louis kills Dorian and then even as he's clearly in shock, he tries to go with Clementine to get AJ, and then later on when they talk about it, he says it feels like bile but not quite and he's glad he has it in him to do it.... listen, listen, listen... I'm obsessed with that.
Anyway, so if Louis shot Minerva, I think he would've accidentally killed her and can you imagine? He's already enough of a mess after killing the woman who pinned him down and tried to cut his finger off [or succeeded] but he knew Minerva, they were friends before the twins were taken. Even Violet couldn't kill her even though that would've been the smarter thing to do, and we know thanks to meta knowledge that killing her would've saved lives, but Violet couldn't, and I don't think Louis would intentionally either.
Speaking of Violet, if Louis killed Minerva, I hate to think about what that would've done to Vi. I think she might've actually left at that point, like what was planned before it got changed to her being burned. I don't think she would've attacked Louis over it, though, like yeah she attacked Clementine in the cell but Louis? I don't know, but I don't think so just because it's Louis and he'd be a mess about it anyway.
Though if he did kill her, it would be a neat parallel to draw... y'know, because Louis forgave AJ for killing Marlon even though he was pissed and heartbroken, and Violet was annoyed with him the entire time... but could she ever forgive Louis for killing Minerva? Y'know? We already have a similar parallel with AJ shooting Tenn, but still.
If Clementine killed Minerva in that moment, though, then I could see Violet attacking her since in her eyes, Clem proved her right.
So yeah, I get why they added the Dorian kill to his route. It adds another compelling element to Louis as a character, but we also need Minerva alive for episode 4; Louis can't kill her, he can't miss, and he's not going to stay with her because we need Violet to stay on the boat and him to be on shore for all routes.
#asks#twdg louis#twdg minerva#twdg clementine#twdg violet#twdg marlon#twdg tenn#honestly whenever i see someone say louis is the boring option i'm just like '.......that's your opinion but also how can you say that??'#then again i'm sure other people look at me saying violentine just isn't for me and they say the same thing so y'know... i can't talk haha#also time is such a weird thing because i look at the entire cell scene in louis' route and like... i'm not even mad about violet anymore#like yeah i still don't believe she was brainwashed like i'm sorry y'all only believe that because kent said something about it#not because there's all this evidence toward it in game like vi being pissed at clementine makes sense she doesn't need to be brainwashed#for it to work like her being vulnerable and easily manipulated into submission makes perfect sense especially with minerva there#it's like everyone was pissed that she attacked clementine and people needed a way to excuse it so it's not violet's fault when like...#that's literally what makes it interesting like calm down it's okay if violet is pissed and scared and behaves accordingly#also my controversial opinion of the day that i'll hide here in the tags so maybe people won't find it sksksk but#I personally find the concept of vinerva and the doomed tragedy of it more compelling than anything violentine did#like i'll defend violentine and i do believe it's an important and good ship it's just not my personal favorite#anyway but then the whole thing with lilly and minerva is so good and louis screaming FUCK YOU at minerva?? amazing love it so good#i love when the soft character who never chooses violence is so pissed off that all that anger they have boils to the surface and it's raw#like... he's SO mad he's SO furious he's SOOO UPSET like he wasn't even like this when marlon died or anything like he hit his limit#and then shooting dorian through the mouth while an accident is just well done i love it and i love his reaction of mortification#and apologizing and YET he still tries to go with clementine he's trembling and can barely string together a sentence but he wants to go#he wants to help her he wants to save aj THAT is the gut reaction he has after everything that just went down#'louis isn't loyal or good for clem because of the vote' babe tell me you don't understand any nuance of louis' character without telling m#it's fine IT'S FINE you don't have to agree and i just have to remind myself that it's fine not everyone likes louis we're okay#this drives me crazy in the best way like y'know what? i love the cells scene in louis' route all of it even the stuff i used to rant about#even the stuff that used to piss me off now i'm just like 'no wait past cj was dumb she wasn't looking at it this way aaaaaaaa' sksksks#that was my tag ted talk about the cell scene thank you
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I got married this summer!! And I spent the year leading up to it designing & patterning & making my dresses! So here they are; unfortunately my photo selection is pretty limited cause our photographer got almost no fullbody pictures of me alone from the front, but w/e
My wedding dress/outfit/what have you consisted of an Edwardian-ish blouse and a skirt which I drafted off of an actual Victorian walking skirt pattern except since I didn’t wanna obtain/wear a corset & bustle I took out the hip shaping so it just turned out to be a partial circle skirt that’s a little longer and fuller in back. Oh, and the front panel was actually two overlapping panels which could be folded back and attached to the inside of the skirt. I wore it closed at the actual marriage part which I didn’t get good pics of, and open at the ring ceremony, which is where all the above pics were taken. The pants were resale, but I did make my veil and bouquet!
The second dress was very inspired by this set of classic lolita OP’s (particularly the one in the first two pics) which I first saw back in 2021 and I’d been itching to make something similar ever since, so I picked up the fabric for it when it was on sale back at my old job and then pencilled it in as my reception dress so I would actually get around to making it. (Although fun fact both of these outfits STILL need more sewing done before they’re completely ready for regular wear lol. Someday) I got the cameo for the brooch off Etsy (it has a butterfly on it) and my grandma bought me the shoes for Christmas last year, though I added the bows to them (they’re removable and I also made a pink set) and also made the earrings and hair bow.
Anyway we recently got done moving and stuff so hopefully I will be able to do more art soon! (Also they/them preferred as usual 💜)
#sewing#victorian#edwardian#lolita#wedding#ok search tags are done I can relax#Yes my wedding dress was very hot to wear outdoors but I didn’t wanna make it for just one event so it’s also my temple dress#which had certain requirements including long-ish sleeves#I call the reception dress my snail dress because the fabric is patterned with ferns and mushrooms and one little snail per repeat#continuing the animal trend of my peacock skirt & bee shirt & butterfly dirndl#also not very visible in the photos but covering up the ruffle seams are length of lace which I snipped slits in to run tiny ribbon through#and then I had to sew it on BY HAND and oh man that yoke seam got sooooooooooo thick with the ruffled net lace and tulle#(which were nylon cause that’s all I could get cheap in person at joannes & such) and also several layers of quilting cotton#I never would’ve finished both dresses (the exterior at least) if I hadn’t tried taking aripiprazole for a month#cause I got the whole skirt for the snes (snail dress) finished in like A WEEK#sadly it gave me weird physical side effects so I had to stop taking it. sadge#oh yeah also I finally drafted my own bodice block for the snes cause I couldn’t find any princess seamed high neck bodice patterns#and for the white blouse I made changes to the shoulder seams and collar of my bee shirt pattern buuuut I probably shouldn’t have#ended up a bit wonky#anyway future planned projects include… watercolor painting for the apartment (feat. kirby)#Elfilin/Elfilis gijinkas which are. being somewhat difficult#Magolor gijinka minecraft skin LOL (I have the account migration cape and it goes perfectly with his EX colorway)#not sure if I’ll ever get around to finishing that pmv. we’ll see
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Thinking about that one post I saw in passing way before I made this account that like was a confession blog and the confession was like
"I think Illuminata isn't romanceable because she falls in love with Amber"
or something like that and like the only comment was somebody saying like "ew, how dare you make me look at this"
Anyway I think Illuminata/Amber would be pretty cute
#rune factory 4#RF4#Rf4 Amber#Rf4 Illuminata#Amber/Illuminata#Gotta make sure my shipping tendencies are known from the start so no gets surprised by them later#and so i don't fall into the trap of don't be myself don't be myself like i did when I tried to use twt years ago kdhflkd#I know from what I've seen some people are very weird about Amber like in general though and to a smaller extent Kiel too#My logic has and always will be if you can marry them they are adults idc how they look idc how they act marriable means they are an adult#and infantilizing adult characters will never not bug me(ha)#(because Ambers a bug)#like does she act childish? yeah very much so but so does my 26year old ass so i just cant hold it against her#like have you considered that maybe she's just a little??/j (though it would be a very easy explanation. our girls just always in headspace#or maybe you she's just neurodivergent? ADHD girlypop bug girl??? ever considered that???#i don't even have any real thoughts on Illuminata/Amber this is mostly out of pettyness#like they live together#the butterfly and the flower girl#they could make for a really cute Fairy!Au#like a modern au where Illuminata finds a tired fairy!Amber in her garden and helps her? that sounds cute#anyway I want Amber to just drop that she's actually like 30 one day i just think it would be really funny#“Why do you act like that then?” “It's Fuunn!!”
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i love to read meta of knives as an abuser and nod my head thoughtfully at all great points and then once the post ends i go back to considering him as my darling son who never did anything wrong ever
#let him out your honour yeah he did it all but i dont care#he had some points#so what he and his twin brother fell into and perpetuated the cycle of abuse that hurts each other#they broke out of it at the end. that has to count#“we cant go back. we cant be those brothers again. so ill kill you if you kill me. why didnt you kill me. WHY DID YOU SAVE ME”#and then at the end he did the thing vash tried to save him from anyway (disappearing forever and ever and ever and ever and )#sorry. lots of thoughts abt these tragic siblings#forever thinking about how vash threw the first stone between them#like that fuckssssss me up#i know tristamp changed that#but to me its always. knives loving him thru violence bc its the only way that makes sense. only for vash to use it on him#so of course knives lashed out. imagine realising the thing u use to protect ur brother can hurt you back just as bad#imagine killing a town of people that hurt your brother only for him to shoot you#and then you cut his arm off#not taking any critique at this time. im fully aware of the text. im just choosing to love him anyway :)#this is also why i find swap fic sooooo compelling. where vash is the dangerous one and knives is his victim#oooo u are two sides of the same coin. you could have been each other if only a few things went differently#but you could never be The Same
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The character arc lore could have had
#❓.txt#tng#and i don't necessarily mean a redemption arc either#idk maybe it's cause lore is my favorite and i'm biased or whatever but like#he has so much potential#and it was never utilized in a way where it felt completely... complete (imo)#don't get me wrong his episodes were fine* but i feel like he could have been handled. not better cause that's not quite what I mean really#what they did with him worked for what they were going for#but that doesn't mean I like all of it LMAO#what they showed us in brothers was sooo interesting#his reaction to finding out soong was dying. that disbelief at what he was being told#the anguish when he's talking to him and asking him why he didn't just fix him#but the whole bit with the emotion chip at the end... really blew the entire thing#and i'm an emotion chip hater in general lmao but#AND THE VERY END of the episode/the parallel with the two brothers back on the enterprise. you had everything there!!!! and then you go-#-and make descent!!!!!!! oh which#*except for descent LOL#i could go ON about how much descent irks me but I would want to do it properly and also I would need to re-watch them first before-#-I would feel like I could sit down and write something comprehensible#and like. do I *really* wanna do that. maybe#but anyway#I only know the gist of what happens to him in picard so I refrain from making any comments on that but also what the hell man#lore is the epitome of 'he did all that but idc' for me#like yeah he contacted the crystalline entity and got omicron theta destroyed and then tried to do the same to the enterprise d#but he had a bad father okay#and also i love him. that's my boy
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I keep telling myself im gonna stop talking politically with people and then i do anyways 😭😭 cant bloody help myself 💀
#in my defense is because someone was calling me a hp fan. because tbh. it was a big part of my personality but i of course just.#detest it and anything to do with it now because of jk r*wling#but yeah the way i was called it and then when i tried to explain that i hate her because ahes racist - islamophobic - a zi*nist - trans#phobic etc etc and then suddenly its like 'oh ill need to find my own proof#LIKE HOW ARE YOU CALLING ME A SUPER FAN AND THEN NOT TRUSTING MY KNOWLDEGE ON SOMETHING THAT I DO IN FACT KNOW A LOT ABOUT AND ACTIVELY KEEP#UP WITH. im gonna scream and never stop. i actually am so exhausted of constantly being told im wrong or just flat out ignored when im right#and then its like 'twitter isnt a credible source' WHAT DO YOU FUCKING MEAN#LIKE ARE YOU LISTENING TO YOURSELF TALK#yes random accounts saying any old thing isnt reliable BUT THE ACTUAL TWITTER ACCOUNT OF THE PERSON SAYING THE STUFF#omfg i actually just. i hate it here. i want to never speak to anothwr person ever again.#le text post#anyways. main point is i do not wanna be associated with hp or jk r*wling at all anymore. and hopefully people will fucking do that#sorry not to go on but the other point of 'oh but the books are still good it doesnt change that' FROM PEOPLE THAT HAVE NEVER READ THEM AAA
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Kinda infuriating whenever someone enacts material tangible consequential harm against another person and the reaction is “I always knew it… they wrote a disturbing story”. Why are you even focusing on that at all
#an old mutual of mine (not on here) got exposed for sexually + emotionally abusing her boyfriend (among… many other things)#and someone said ‘this is the same person that tried to cancel me’ and it’s like yeah that was wrong. but also this has nothing to do with#you. as if any of those things are on the same level of hurt caused. as if that even deserves a mention#people keep trying to find ways to correlate interest in the macabre with abusive acts as if your golden retriever boyfriend is not just as#capable and likely of raping you as a man who has read lolita. there is no correlation; rape is symptomatic of society & culture#also what a slap in the face to victims lol. ‘I trusted them and they abused me’ ‘well I never trusted them!’ cool. I’ll go kill myself now#rape prevention does not look like circle-jerking about how psychic you are. nobody actually cares#log
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People be like "merry Christmas" meanwhile I'm over here uncovering new depths of my trauma
#yeah so apparently I experienced csa and I'm honestly not processing that super well#i started just telling people about stuff that happened that i never want to talk about#and they were like 'uh yeah thats csa im sorry you went through that' 💀#like wdym that was csa?? ahhhdjdj ah djdhdgd#in all seriousness though I've gad a lot of very painful realizations about this lately#like the fact that people knew and not only let it happen but actively tried to allow it to continue#and prevent people who actually try to do anything about it from finding out. including me! i was told it was all normal#like 'oh yes this is all normal. but also dont tell anyone this.'#'not because its wrong but because theyll get the wrong idea'#god. i can't comprehend it#i never thought it was sa because ive always been asexual. i couldnt think of any motive so i just didnt know#i didn't have any grasp of what sexuality was in general. i thought it was like a social construct or a game i was sometimes bad at#i still don't understand. i hate how when i think about it all i feel like a little kid again
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remembers a reddit comment thread where someone said that っ basically works as a glottal stop. and sighs.
#leologisms#actually go and watch native speakers speaking for any amount of time and youd see that its just. completely untrue#like yeah man japanese phonology is transcribed with a special /Q/ mora for fun and not because the mora changes realisation drastically#in different contexts. yeah man actually it really is just /ʔ/ and linguists are just fucking with you. yeah man#dont worry about the fact that if you watch native speakers talking you can literally SEE the succeeding consonant get geminated#and that if you tried to actually pronounce まったく as /maʔtaku/ youd find it both extremely awkward to produce AND extremely awkward#sounding. yeah man no it really is just /ʔ/. dont worry about it.#AS ALWAYS anything people say on reddit should never be taken seriously but. pressure release valve. i get irritated
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rant in tags (mental health issues)
#i have ocd and it's been getting worse over the past 2 yrs#the intrusive thoughts are ...a LOT. so many every day.#it really exhausts me to the bone some days.#I've never had any help for it or anyone to talk to about it#just makes me feel very alone sometimes.#I finally was able to get a therapist altho she doesnt deal with ocd so I wont be getting help in that area for the moment#but I just wanted to post this just....to vent and feel like maybe someone out there heard me.#I've tried to find places online to talk about this stuff but all the places I've tried have been really awful#people online can be so terrible.#tumblr honestly feels like the safest space to me. people here have always been so cool and nice.#i just wanna feel like im not alone i guess.#so yeah anyway#just venting i guess#will delete later
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But Sirius thought Remus was capable of betraying James without any evidence at all (that we know of), meanwhile Remus believed Sirius betrayed James when literally all evidence pointed towards that. What actually happened was so outlandish no one would have believed it if Peter hadn’t actually been there in the Shack. Can you really blame Remus for trying to make sense of it all and cope somehow? He lost everything and everyone that day :(
friend, u must be new here :p (haha i’m only kidding bc this is something i rant about a lot here 🙈)
when i say remus failed sirius, i’m not even referring to the entire clusterfuck of that situation. in saudade, sirius says ‘i wouldn’t have cared if you thought i was a mass murderer or a death eater’ (paraphrased) and i would extend that to believing he murdered peter as well. it’s entirely believable for remus to be super confused and messed up bc, like u said, he lost everything that night.
but i personally believe james and sirius’ friendship was so, so strong and so fkn intense that it was obvious to everyone around them (and this is highkey backed up by canon as well—rosmerta and mcg) and remus would’ve had front row seats to that. in my mind, marauder dynamics were like this: james at the centre, sirius as his closest and dearest friend, and remus and peter still pretty close but comparatively peripheral.
and that’s really the crux of the matter for me. it’s one thing for everyone else to condemn sirius, not having seen close up how attached he was to james—but for remus to do the same? they might as well not have been marauders then.
(it’s also like. james & sirius accepted remus’ wolfy issues to the point that they literally risked body and magic and jail time to help him. it wasn’t lip service but true acceptance. james called it his ‘furry little problem’ and imagine what that must have felt like to someone like remus who’s only seen werewolves referred to derogatorily, never in such a lighthearted manner. they believed in him despite growing up as purebloods who’d’ve probably heard/seen the worst kind of bias and discrimination. can remus not have found it in himself to do the same?)
(also, if i’m permitted to go into conjecture/headcanon territory—i have two HCs for sirius suspecting remus. one, inspired by daily-chan, is that they never actually did. the only reason they kept distance from remus and didn’t tell him about the switch was because he was infiltrating werewolf packs at the time and to be found w info like that would’ve been very dangerous for him so it’s a way to protect him.
second, they do suspect him but that’s bc remus gives them cause to do it. again, he’s infiltrating werewolf packs. but, i firmly believe knowing remus, he would’ve been very shady about it, not telling them what he’s doing and where he’s going (which, j&s would’ve done themselves and expected, in the middle of war, regardless of orders) and he doesn’t want to question dumbledore’s actions and all of that, while not exactly being the same as a death eater, casts enough doubt that they couldn’t trust him with something like the fidelius bc he refuses to just tell them what he’s doing)
sorry this is so long lol but i’m v passionate about this. i guess it comes down to this: yes, remus’ actions might make sense. he was suffering. but sirius really, really drew the short end of the stick there. and for his own friend, his best friend & brother, to treat him the same way as those who didn’t know him? that’s even worse.
#would u believe me if i said this is actually me being restrained#i have so much more to say lol#but this isn’t an attack anon 😭 i’m just passionate i swear#also. ik friendships aren’t transactional but i don’t think i can get over the fact that j&s did so much for remus#and he basically just. abandoned them? at first sign of conflict?#which i guess is on brand for him#bc we see him doing that time and again#he just had a conflict avoidant personality#but yeah. i personally think remus should’ve just known sirius would never do that to james#and if there really was any doubt—he should’ve suspected mind/body altering potions and spells first#and even then should’ve tried to find the truth by visiting azkaban#that he didn’t do even a fraction of this is a strike against him for me personally#sorry for the essay anon 😓 but 🤷♀️#pen’s asks
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Man, life is just depressing right now
#the one thing that was keeping me sane has gone away#i would always say 'yeah every medical professional has given up and there's nothing they can do. but at least i have my PTs' well...#my current PT's are the only ones that ever treated me like a person and they always kept trying...but they've given up too#basically Clare was like we haven't made any gains in over a year and your state keeps getting worse. nothing we do helps#so it may be time to consider stopping bc throwing away money isnt helpful either#and i argued that it's damage control and improves my quality of life and i have a progressive disease i never was going to get better#not to mention mentally it helps to know there's people in my corner and at least they haven't given up on me#but now they have and im feeling so very very alone and hopeless#it's not like this is a surprise right? ive always been beyond help and it's an incurable degenerative disease#but still getting to this point fucking sucks#and i went to the new neurologist and he had nothing but crazy experiments bc ive tried fucking everything#and then to top it off the only doctor i trusted from when i was a teenager for one specific med issue had also said the same#literally this week she was like there's nothing more. i cant help find someone else. sorry kid. wishing you the best#and Xmas is a depressing and challenging time too#and i have 400 med problems while trying to find work#the past few weeks have pulverized me and i havent stopped crying in days#so yeah. terribly terribly alone#and im trying not to go down any spirals and havent. my therapist was out this week. but im seriously questioning the point#at this point maybe i should give up too#im being stubborn bc no i cant go yet i havent seen the lights yet or read my new books#but honestly i havent been able to read partially bc im afraid if i do im losing the last tethers to earth#there's not much or anything to live for#it's at times like these you truly realize how much you dont want to die. you just wish you could live#but im broke and freezing and in pain and alone. this story's ending fucking sucks#my dbt is coming in clutch but seriously. is there a point anymore?#never got to live. sick since a kid. hell was always here#sorry for the depressing state of things ill go back to being insane in a moment#p
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