#but yeah i had one in 2021
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Wonder when my insufferable EverymanHybrid hyperfix will make its yearly return
#its simply insufferable because its a decently dead fandom#and it wasnt big in the first place so not many people even know abt it#but yeah i had one in 2021#then 2022#actually right before i got into mcyt i was super hyperfixated#but the magical power of stupid minecraft men overruled it#but it always comes back ik it 💀#i went as Habit for holloween last year actually#because despite not being into it Habit is my bbg#(he is a demon and has murdered several people and ate a baby)#no one knew who it was 💀#they kept asking if i was sid cause of the death proof shirt 💀💀#anyway yeah im just wondering
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Happy St. Beanix’s (trial) Day!
#today is the day beanix had his trial….. interesting choice of day to debut his character…..#i made this comic up in 2021 finally weednix can be free to blaze it for years to come#beanix#phoenix wright#apollo justice#kristoph gavin#oh yeah he’s here… one of the few times i ever drew him and he’s perfect (annoyed by beanix <3)#aa4#fan art#aa#just a silly little comic from a silly little guy (me)#rendoodles
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I FOUND PLAYER AND XEHANORT FROM 2021!!!
#I deleted it in my old art program because of storage and have it saved in a file BUT IT WAS DELETED.#But thankfully I had it saved somewhere else! That's why its LOW quality. Also this is from the summer of 2021 so yeah#One day I’ll remake this…#kh#kingdom hearts#khux#khml#khux spoilers#kh player#xehanort#khdr
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insuline & nicotine flirting is just antoine initiating by saying something insane about étoiles unprompted (i.e. “your ass is driving me crazy and i need it”) and étoiles responding on the same wavelength (i.e. “your knowledge of world capitals is like my ass, you’ll never forget it”) . truly the fun part of it all is seeing the evolution in how antoine would just do this without any big reaction from étoiles for a while until étoiles just started clapping back and being just as insane unprompted
#my source for this is the mk8 vods . early 2021 antoine who kept yapping about etoiles’ bol tibetain with no big reaction from etoiles .#and you cut to today 2024 and etoiles is bringing up how obsessed antoine is with his ass unprompted#a recent example of étoiles returning the bit is when they were playing mk8 and he got hit by a green shell antoine had on his back#and he said ‘damn i got got by something hanging out of antoine’s ass it reminds me of our parties’ which . yeah love that#very funny bc it managed to flustered antoine too . PEAK interactions between the two is when etoiles claps backs so hard even antoine’s#like ‘???’ . another example of this is another mk8 stream where he said antoine’s so sweet we should be able to buy him at a pastry shop#*fluster#HOWEVER ! it is always very fun when étoiles initiates as well . that one clip i included in my first compilation where he just says antoine#looks very fuckable out of nowhere#jay rambles#insuline & nicotine#étoiles#antoine daniel#obviously I’m normal about them
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scrap dump! (the stamp @ the bottom is from HERE)
#spamton#plugboy#myart#Ohh Yeah!i had fun finishing up the traditional one inFirealpaca.i think the conflicting medias look nice#i wish i had a more organized way of saving art.i keep finding drawings i've done scattered in the weirdest places#its funny putting stuff from 2021 right next to stuff from 2023.who cares!
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"I must say that it is very difficult to have good relations when you fight for the same thing, as I fought with Sete. The trigger was what happened in Qatar in 2004. What happened in Qatar 2004.. I saw it as something dirty that I didn't expect neither from Sete, nor from Juan Martinez, who was his technical manager and who had worked with me for a long time. I felt betrayed because it was as if I was being played. Sete was a great rival and when you fight like that it's a bit like Michael Jordan says, it's something personal. With Sete what happened in Qatar made me very angry and it helped me to give my best until the end of that season and for the next one. If I had to give Sete some advice... it's better if he hadn't done it." here's the bit from route46.. i find it interesting he puts blame on juan martinez too!
(following on from this post, and will liberally include chunks I wrote in the sete post) right there's a lot to unpack here, but first of all. I haven't gotten around to watching the whole documentary yet, but I did quickly jump around to find the sete bit the quote is from and... and there is something I absolutely have to address first. because. uh. they actually interview juan martinez - sete's crew chief himself - about the whole qatar incident... and, well. he says the following (rough translation):
At no time did either Sete or I go ask for a sanction for Valentino: we went to ask for greater security for everyone. Once we go to HRC and passed on the knowledge, that we have found a Valentino technician on the track, thus modifying the state of the track, Honda decides that moment what really needs to be done is a complaint.
hold on. just one second. I did suspect there had to be something incredibly stupid at the heart of the whole thing. something that could reconcile all the contradictory information out there, help explain how everyone could feel so confident in their contradictory views. because the whole thing should have a relatively straightforward answer, right: either sete played tattletale or he didn't. and... I mean. okay, look. I'm not saying I'm with valentino on this one but... they did snitch! objectively martinez is admitting they snitched! it happened! either this was a moment of staggering naivety because what did you think hrc was going to do with this information?? or valentino was spot on and they passed on that information knowing that it was at least a possibility valentino was going to get a penalty as a result of their actions. surely it is possible to appeal to hrc on safety grounds without bringing up you saw valentino's technician on the track, who was at the time quite possibly acting quite suspiciously under the cover of night! why are you even going to hrc about this in the first place!
you do not have to be that paranoid a soul to maybe doubt whether they had the best of intentions here, no? what this would also help clear up is sete's response at sepang when asked to deny his involvement, which. I did find it an odd response! you kind of want to give the benefit of the doubt with these things, given sete's longstanding and genuine preoccupation with safety in the sport. that being said, rather than just firmly deny he was involved, he went on this long spiel about how he would've thought it'd be better for everyone to get their grid spots cleaned - and the crux of his argument amounted to how he'd be a hypocrite if he called for valentino to be sanctioned after that. which, why are you even focused so much on this - just say no, you weren't involved! look, it was better to err on the side of caution and maybe simply assume sete isn't the most skilled operator in denying allegations of gamesmanship. but this extra detail would make sete's response in that sepang presser read a little differently:
yeah, sure, I mean, if we're going to be generous here and say sete and his crew chief just innocently mentioned to hrc that valentino's technician was rubbering up his grid slot for 'safety reasons'... then nothing sete says here is technically a lie. he didn't "complain" and it was hrc who made the protest. but. but! it does feel like if sete and his crew chief really were the ones to alert hrc to what valentino's team had done... if what martinez says is actually correct, this whole incident does still read pretty differently! you know how sete says "they" had blocked him from cleaning the grid? it feels like a pretty reasonable assumption that the "they" in question refers to hrc. if hrc blocked sete from rubbering his own grid and he then went to tell them about what valentino had done, did he really expect honda to go 'oh that's all right then, I suppose we'd better rubber up your grid slot too'? seriously? (incidentally, do we think the mechanic who gave evidence was martinez himself)
juan martinez does also go on to say this:
What he does in the end or what he has always done, that's what he does, is turn his story into his truth, which gives him his motivation and that's it. It doesn't mean that it's the truth, it means it's Valentino's truth. The fact that it is his truth or that it is my truth about some things does not mean that it is the truth. When you are fighting for something in sports, there is a moment that you lose sight of the complete picture.
which, yes, this isn't terrible as insight into valentino's character, and mayhaps we can return to this at a later date. but, also, can I just say, if you go! to hrc! to tell them the man they hate! who you are engaged in a tight championship fight with! which has only FOUR ROUNDS TO GO! has maybe had his team do something a little sketchy! and then hrc ensures he gets a penalty for it! come on. specifically after you've been blocked from doing the same thing? could you really not have expected that hrc would go on to file a complaint with race direction? seriously?
incidentally, valentino did already pin the blame on martinez at the time:
well, you can still give sete the benefit of the doubt here I suppose, if you so choose. still, is valentino really just 'telling a story here and turning it into his truth'? the generous interpretation of what happened here is that sete accidentally helped cause a back of the grid penalty, and that's the generous interpretation! hey, maybe martinez is getting his story wrong, maybe he's lying, you never know. but let's just say for a moment that this is the truth... let's just that martinez and sete really did pass on this information with innocent intentions in the name of safety. would this not still make sete's rhetoric after the event a teensy bit disingenuous? it's one thing to say 'yeah this was a misunderstanding, hrc was out for you and we accidentally helped provide the material they needed to bag you a penalty'... it's quite another to say valentino fabricated this whole thing out of thin air, like you had absolutely zero involvement in the whole thing. was this really a feud valentino just invented out of nowhere?
anyway, enough motogp-flavoured true crime investigation... and listen, I do want to reiterate what I said here:
let's be clear here - even if sete did have some involvement in the penalty, obviously valentino's response to the whole thing is still a bit bonkers. like, it's definitely petty behaviour from honda. given the whole 'using a scooter to rubber up the track' does seem like it was at the very least a bit of a grey area in the rules, hrc getting valentino penalised for it is... well, it's all pretty undignified from everyone involved. that being said, valentino did vow to destroy sete and spent the next one and a half seasons tormenting him. some people would consider that a little bit of an overreaction, even if the whole thing wasn't based wholesale on delusion. at the end of the day, he did still do all that stuff
so, anyway, let's get into it! going to go all in here and tackle this shit line by line:
"I must say that it is very difficult to have good relations when you fight for the same thing, as I fought with Sete."
right, so this is obviously a commentary on his natural understanding of how rivalries work... how he believed his relationship with sete was destined to change as a result of how, starting in 2003, they were directly competing. this gels with the limited mentions we get in his autobiography of sete in 2003, which were coloured by how he believed sete had already been praying on his downfall before their actual friendship break up (here and here):
what valentino is saying here is basically a slightly more concise version of what I put in the sete post:
and, yeah, this is a natural element of competition - it's generally accepted that maintaining friendships at the sharp end of professional sports with your competitors is either extremely difficult or straight up impossible. (like marc put it in august 2015: "it's true that before the relationship was different, but because we were not fighting for the championship. it's not the relationship like a friend".) obviously there's still a fairly significant difference between 'friendship' and 'good relations' (and 'actively feuding'). but valentino is acknowledging it is just kinda part of the game... something he's willing to exploit if need be (see here for speculations on how the sete feud changed valentino's approach to rivalries in general). it was always going to be tough for that relationship not to go downhill, and valentino accepted as much. he was also clearly a lot more ready for it to come to that than sete was
"The trigger was what happened in Qatar in 2004."
there's always something interesting about what incident parties identify as the turning point in these rivalries. with sete/valentino, you could reasonably point to three different episodes:
assen 2004: last lap overtake resulting in contact that left sete 'angry', though publicly he turned the page pretty quickly. the first obvious public sign of tension between the pair
qatar 2004: for obvious reasons. the allegations of gamesmanship that made valentino openly turn on sete and end any cordial relations between the two of them, let alone friendship
jerez 2005: the most contentious on-track incident between the pair of them that continues to be infamous for the final corner contact and the post-race theatrics
valentino, when he talks about this rivalry, does seem to always go for qatar. yes, he's talked about jerez, but he doesn't bring it up when he's asked about the relationship between the pair of them. the sample size here is admittedly pretty small, but he answered in a similar way in 2015:
sete, by contrast, is generally more hung up on jerez. he's mentioned qatar a few times when commenting on how valentino had suddenly switched up towards him, but more often than not it's jerez. part of this is just... well, he's really focused on the moral injury aspect of what happened at jerez, where he feels very strongly he was wronged - and even more than that, that the incident set a bad precedent. he discusses valentino a bit in that three hour podcast episode he went on and it's basically entirely focused on that last lap corner
which, you know, if somebody manages to successfully 'put a curse' on you, I do get why this probably isn't the bit of the story you want to bring up by your own volition. it's also the kindest narrative to sete - because if it's all about his jerez, then his decline in that rivalry is more about a moral stance than it is about valentino successfully crushing his spirit
that's the thing, right... both of these choices of turning points, qatar and jerez, represent something to the two parties, and both narratives flatter the person telling them in some way. in both cases, it's about their rival doing something that's unacceptable, immoral, 'dirty' in some way... they're accusing each other of stepping outside of the bounds of what is 'acceptable' behaviour for competitors. they're accusing each other of not playing fair, of not playing the game like it should be played. this is what makes the dissolution of their friendship acceptable too, right - it's not just that they're rivals, it's not just the heat of competition or whatever, it's that their enemy did something wrong. this isn't just normal competitive tension that caused their relationship to fall apart, it's foul play
now, look, I'm not going to make some ultra contrarian argument about how it's all actually about assen 2004, This Race Clash Is The One Nobody Is Talking About... BUT this was the first public incident in which sete failed to act graciously in defeat and valentino verbally noted as much. clearly the relationship was a bit strained already headed into qatar. see the autobiography quotes, see assen... also. well. check out what valentino said at the time at qatar (from here):
"I've been looking for an excuse not to talk to sete"... this doesn't necessarily contradict how valentino frames qatar as the "trigger" - the word itself acknowledges that there was something already there just waiting to be 'triggered'. in what truly is one of the all time great presser questions, the above quote is actually put to valentino in sepang with sete sitting right next to him
good vibes!
unfortunately he doesn't really clarify what he meant here, just saying something along the lines of 'well it's a new week now'. anyway, you can interpret the initial valentino quote in several different ways. you could say he was just searching for an opportunity to engineer a feud with sete and was willing to seize on any opportunity, however flimsy. or you could say valentino had already grown suspicious of sete - presumably as a result of several past incidents between the pair of them. the stuff vale mentions in his autobiography about how sete had been predicting him to fail at yamaha, what happened at assen... again, it's the idea that sete covets what valentino has, that he's been performing graciousness - perhaps, from assen onwards at the latest, a little less successfully so. perhaps valentino just wanted to create a little more distance between the two of them for his own sake, make it easier to fire up his competitive juices - and that's what he needed an 'excuse' for. or perhaps what valentino meant was something along the lines of 'I suspected he was a snake and now he proved it'. whatever it was, it must have been enough for valentino to be ready to pull the pin on that particular friendship. so yes, qatar is the trigger. even if it triggered something that had already been festering for a much longer time
"What happened in Qatar 2004... I saw it as something dirty that I didn't expect neither from Sete, nor from Juan Martinez, who was his technical manager and who had worked with me for a long time."
okay I already discussed the descriptor of 'dirty' for sete's actions. it's something underhanded, it's something valentino doesn't like - snitching on your rivals as a dishonest way of beating them. athletes can build up incredibly convoluted frameworks of what they consider acceptable and unacceptable behaviour, and a lot of the time it is self-serving bullshit.... but it can be self-serving bullshit with an internal logic of sorts. like, this is the thing right, is going to race direction to play tattletale inherently morally so much worse than various valentino behaviours he openly admits to? eh. but for him, he sees this as a fundamentally 'dirty' and ugly way of trying to win. the stuff he does is fair game, but going around trying to find obscure rules that might not even technically exist to fuck over your rival is not okay. that's not how you should fight to win
the martinez angle has also already been mostly covered above... I was aware they'd worked together before martinez moved to the gresini team (while valentino was still at honda by the way, this wasn't a case of martinez choosing against jumping ship to yamaha when valentino left) - but it's still nice to get the confirmation that they'd worked together for a "long time". obviously, this is a fun element of 2004 in general, the extent to which valentino's sworn enemies are all the people he was working alongside in previous years, how vicious the break up had been. this was also in itself a nice source of motivation, and initially that season was as much about spiting honda as it was spiting his specific rivals who had been so wedded to the narrative that valentino was on the superior bike. though it should be noted valentino wasn't disillusioned with, like, the honda rank and file, mechanics and so on - more with honda management and the engineers. here from his autobiography:
and martinez himself was also a suspension technician in valentino's team. which, yeah, valentino feels hurt on a personal level! this is somebody he had worked with and trusted who has (allegedly) decided to do something so underhanded specifically to spite valentino! from the same autobiography excerpt as above:
rivals are one thing, you've kinda gotta expect the worst, but he does take this type of relationship very seriously. presumably it really twisted in the knife for him, this notion that one of his former team members was willing to do something this 'dirty' to him. valentino didn't expect it! not from sete and not from somebody he'd worked with for years! that's the bit that made it unforgivable, the previous personal relationships that valentino felt weren't being honoured
(incidentally, juan martinez actually ended up being nicky hayden's crew chief... during his time at ducati, where of course hayden would be reunited with valentino for two years as teammates. bit awkward!)
"I felt betrayed because it was as if I was being played."
see above, not much more to add. that's what it often comes back to for valentino, isn't it. a lot of stuff is acceptable, it's just part of the game, rivalries are supposed to be feisty and fierce and a little bit ugly. but this? again, a lot of this is about internal frameworks that athletes have for what is seen as acceptable and not acceptable within competition. valentino deploys a rather liberal definition of what should be allowed both on and off the track, but this is a hard line for him. he'll accept a lot, but not what he considers betrayal. something else that remains consistent throughout his career, including as it pertains to a certain other rivalry
"Sete was a great rival and when you fight like that it's a bit like Michael Jordan says, it's something personal."
michael jordan mention, interesting in its own right! someone who's been compared to valentino in his ruthlessness and, well, cruelty (though some of the stories about jordan make valentino look like an angel lbr). a little bit of commentary to be made there on what greatness in sports generally looks like, and how it does often involve some... hm. pretty unsavoury behaviour. the two of them have actually met a couple times, in valencia 2004 where valentino took him for a ride and laguna 2005 where they partied together after the race
obviously, it's a little funny this meeting happened at valencia 2004 of all occasions, at a time in which valentino was really finding his groove where psychologically torturing his rivals was concerned. there's always something heartwarming about athletes drawing inspiration from each other, no? but anyway, coming back to what valentino actually said here - "it's something personal". just in case anyone's unfamiliar, what this is referring to jordan's habit of drawing competitive inspiration from what he saw as personal slights (there's several compilations out there of jordan using phrasing along the lines of 'it became personal with me', if anyone wants to look it up). sete inspired valentino to up his game because valentino did increasingly take it personally when sete thwarted him - and at a certain point, valentino decided that defeat was no longer acceptable at all. the best way possible to fire himself up... take it personally, and be prepared to do whatever it takes to make his enemy's life hell
"With Sete what happened in Qatar made me very angry and it helped me to give my best until the end of that season and for the next one."
well, yes! I talked a little bit here about the parallels between marc and valentino in how they use anger to motivate themselves, mainly in the context of argentina 2018. and from valentino's autobiography:
anyway, excluding the qatar fiasco itself where he lost his temper, it's fun that he acknowledges explicitly here that the anger provided him with a good source of competitive fuel. note also the time span - the last three races of 2004 as well as the entirety of 2005. sete wasn't really a title rival any more in 2005, not after jerez, but he was still a serious on-track threat... if your goal isn't just to win the title but also to prevent sete from winning a single further race, then sure, he's still very relevant! so that rivalry was still a big part of his competitive make-up a full year after sete could no longer seriously challenge him for a title, and valentino does have enough self-awareness to consciously take advantage of that fury when he can. he probably never did that better than in 2005... his brain controlled his fury - and at every single opportunity he used it to beat sete further into submission
"If I had to give Sete some advice... it's better if he hadn't done it."
iconic banger line. evil laugh afterwards. 10/10 no notes
#this has been sitting in my drafts for a while so i'm kinda over my initial reaction to that bit of the documentary#aka sending several irritable voice notes about how apparently this information has just been out there since 2021#still kind of staggered by the nerve of the whole thing. why would you just say that#anyway I may end up having more thoughts on this but at a certain point. got to clear those drafts#brr brr#//#batsplat responds#marquezian#irritation aside i do feel a teensy bit vindicated that my read of that qatar incident was basically correct. this was one of my theories#either this or that sete had directly suggested the grid rubbering in the safety commission meeting and unwittingly inspired vale's mistake#would've been easy to assume that valentino was being completely delusional!! he has form with it!! but something about it...#*bursting into the room* yeah we've blown this 20 year old case WIDE open through a documentary that's been publicly available since 2021#curse tag
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Oil and water. Wasn’t meant to be
Violet von Arcane Jacket, 2021-23
Pigskin suede, lamb nappa, silk, brass
#vi#arcane#league of legends#project: Violet von arcane#cosplay#media: arcane#happy arcane season 2 day!#I haven’t watched it yet bc I had to work a sixth day and left the house bang on the release. biphobia#I am finally curled up and ready#yeah man! I started this in December 2021 after wrapping on and I finished it spring 2023!!! this jacket is my Rome my kryptonite my hextec#this is my favourite thing I’ve ever#made and I made it so overcomplicated - of course#there’s 20-something pieces in the upper body#the entire thing is cord#the lining is quilted#the leather welt pockets are EXQUISITE#I’ve also done the trousers - eventually I will finish her#I was hoping to have her done by now not anticipating working again this year past October since the industry is still fucked but I got#lucky w a really fun and big job so… sorry Violet my beloved my darling#one day#she does have her shoulder patches o just took these photos quickly and badly before I did them and here we are
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Fun Fact: Contrary to popular belief, Cameron Boyce was not the main voice actor for Jake on Jake and the Never Land Pirates.
Sure, he did voice Jake, and during a period where Boyce's work on Disney was at its peak (mainly with Jessie on the main Disney Channel) but he's not the first, only, or last person to voice the character:
When JatNLP premiered, Jake was voiced by actor Colin Ford. Ford voiced Jake up until halfway through Season 2, where he started going through puberty (you can notice this by watching several early S2 episodes, including Jake Saves Bucky).
Then come Season 3. Sean Ryan Fox is now the understudy for Cameron Boyce, likely because Cameron himself was going through puberty and/or him filming the Descendants movies.
Wouldn't ya know, Ryan Fox eventually took over for Boyce, and was later replaced by Riley Thomas Stewart, who was replaced by Gabe Eggerling for the remainder of the series.
Despite Boyce being too old to reprise his role as Jake, he would find his way back on the show. In Season 4, Episode 7B, Cameron Boyce would voice ChillyZach, the nephew of the villainous Shiverjack.
This would mark Cameron's first voice-work on the show since his initial departure,- as well as his final role on the show before its cancellation --- and his death.
So there you have it.
#jake and the never land pirates#jake and the neverland pirates#jake#cameron boyce#disney jr.#disney jr#disney junior#as a kid I always felt like Jake's design shifted with each voice actor he had gotten#like idk the details became more defined or features more saturated as they desperately tried to keep him having a kiddish voice#Maybe it's just me#But yeah Boyce is one of many voice actors for Jake. He just so happens to be the most recognized/popular#because everyone who grew up on the show just so happened to also grow up with the Disney Channel#And that's 100% valid the guy had some damn talent#I remember back in 2021 during Jatnlp's 10th anniversary where everyone was really nostalgic over his work on the show and it broke my hear#R.I.P. Cameron Boyce
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#yeah maybe you are just as disappointed for not winning the league#but we're not ready yet#at the beginning of the season all I wanted was to have revenge and get top 4 i still remember that match at st james park#but then they made me believe that something much bigger than that was possible#and I'm really proud of them for everything#you may think it's conformist#but you don't know how bad we were the last seasons#and this one feels like old times#city is a great and experienced team#but don't forget that we will be back#because the gap is getting shorter#and this team is getting better and better#arsenal fc#afcedit#myedits#football#champions league#premier league#fact: i had this edit in my laptop since 2021 because i didnt did the 2022 photo because i was so angry for not getting ucl football
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realising you're trans is like realising you've been driving in a clown car all your life and infinite clowns of misery and uncomfortableness and dysphoria have been squished into what looks like a completely normal car and once they start coming out they don't stop
#me rereading a vent fic about chest dysphoria i started in 2021#the same me who didin't accept i had chest dysphoria til this year 💀#'oh yeah that was just a phase' no bestie you repressed it to hell#and once again i WAS trans in 2021 i was nonbinary i was just also blocking EVERYTHING out#mine#gender adventures with neednoggle#i need to be nicer to myself ive only properly known for coming up to 4 months#vs 21 years of not knowing#im doing ok#i think im still enby now as well#jus in different way#some of it is hilarious anyway#i mean how much transmasc fic can i both read and write over several years#feeling incredibly comforted by and connected to#in a way nonbinary fic did not make me feel#and not have something click?#just feeling like a bad enby™#yeah all my transmasc fic? none of it was written with a jot of self awareness except half my bill and frank one#honeslty i think they were what tipped the scale 🤣#ok enough outing myself for today lmao
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2021 -> 2024
#ή ''η πρώτη φορά που προσπάθησα να ζωγραφίσω την Έλενα vs την τελευταία φορά που ζωγράφισα την Έλενα''#νομίζω μια πρόοδος υπάρχει 🥰🤩🤪 αντικειμενικά μιλώντας#oc art#art#my art :D#yeah the first one looks shitty af i know . in my defense i had just started using medibang in 2021 i didnt knwo how it works yet#την Θεοδώρα δεν εχω να την συγκρίνω δεν προσπάθησα ΚΑΝ να την ζωγραφισω το 21#greekblr oc sexyman poll
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oversharing in the tags time :)
#i think it’s time i go back to therapy#i keep having recurring nightmares about my ex best friend#or dreams where she reaches out to me. and explains why she cut me out#backstory. in high school had a lesbian toxic situationship with my#bestie. THEN i had another one. which kinda overlapped? the first one was open but also just messy#anyways. jade and i were like together for a year. then she got a boyfriend one day and i had a breakdown#it happened just after high school and i was sooooo … unwell. wasn’t out to my family felt like i was gonna die etc etc#(this is all pre dnp btw) anyways next year i found dnp. a couple months later she broke up with her bf#and we sorted dated for a while (this whole time we’d been just friends and i was still not really over it but hiding it)#and then she dated ANOTHER guy. they broke up and she had a breakdown and moved 9 hours away. i went#to visit her for a month. we like kinda dated again then and i thought we could make it work. then 2020. no travel#so she started dating a guy. didn’t tell me. even though we spoke every day. she moved in with him#then she breaks up with him mid 2021. i started dating my gf. but Jade was clingy and it was awkward#she started dating a sketchy guy who was homophobic. i went and visited her a few times#start of 2023 she tells me she wants to make more of an effort cause he didn’t like her friends so she cut everyone out. then she ghosted#in feb 2023. we had tickets for#mcr in march. i had to text her cause she’d blocked me on messenger and said im going to the concert whether she’s there or not#she said ‘yeah no worries! you can take someone else in my place too 😎’ she used that fucking emoji#and I haven’t spoken to her since. I think she quit her job . and that guy was not a nice man#so I still worry about her#writing this all down makes me realise she was a bitch and I deserve better#but I just want closure. it isn’t fair she replied so casually to my text when I said ‘you’ve blocked me’#it isn’t fair she HAS MY SIGNED COPY OF DANS BOOK#anyways. I need therapy to get over this#and I haven’t even written about my family issues (im#out and they’re supportive but my god they fucked me#up as a kid)#if you read this hi 👋 hope you are having a lovely day#don’t get in lesbian situationships!!!
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"why is kip sabian wrestling orange cassidy again they do it too many times"
this is the fifth match in over a year. you think thats too much? just admit you hate good chemistry and love and shut the fuck up
#this is why i dont read twitter ive made a mistake ough#just. this is just a bad take? its not even one on one on friday it hasnt been since the botb title match. over a year ago#and pre injury stuff shouldnt count yes that feud was a little bloated but that was 2020 to 2021 and plagued with injuries#i think we can forgive that you know#but like. saying 'they are wrestling too many times' is like? do you even watch the product?#so everyone else can have a long term story and multiple matches but not these two who genuinely work amazing together in the ring??#im sorry im mad its just. im finally getting something after literally months and people complain and say its 'too much'#fuck you#wrestling musing#the dislike and hatred wrestling fans have for kip is just mind boggling to me like. i dont understand#whats fucking wrong with you#counted my matches wrong also but only if you count the battle royale as one. i guess you do since it had the cuddle moments but yeah#five is still a single digit and one handed number. too many my fucking ass
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this is also why i stopped using my tracked tag for a while tbh
#and i might do it again bc its just#a reminder that no one rly cares abt what i do / who i am etc#which might sound over dramatic idk how else to describe it tho its just hollow#it feels very much like a Chore and a Task and if i dont reblog things fast enough from my tag#people get very angry and/or upset with me even tho theres just#so much content and i have 0 time so everything gets queued no matter what#like this whole experience feels like a chore lmao#and it never ever used to#but now theres so much animosity if i dont behave / interact with things Properly#or whatever the make believe rules are idk#this dash can just be so negative like have we all truly descended into madness during this hiatus#bc like i get it ive been up and down and all around too but ive never been straight up MEAN to anyone in this community#and i never want to either so this entire situation thats been bubbling for months just feels like shit#bc what the fuck changed and how do we get back to where we were#i never ever ever ever felt this way before like idk the middle of last year#but ever since like last fall its just been idk. Bad#once again im sorry if ive ever done anything to upset anyone but my silence / absence doesnt mean i dont care#ive just been Incredibly busy due to some real life changes that are out of my control#i might not have energy to answer everything but i do Read everything and it does make me smile#and i save messages that are kind in my heart so i can be reminded of the root of what this blog is supposed to be#a space for something im very passionate about and previously had nowhere else to express said passion#so like idk if we all like the same things why does this weird feeling of competition linger over us lmao#why do all ccs have to fight???? each other???? when we all love and do the same things????#i have nothing against anyone personally but what i Do take issue with is the way that ive been doing this since 2021 and im fully just#ignored and shoved aside by so many people for reasons i fully dont know or understand#so yeah idk this is a novel i just woke up from a spontaneous nap bc im so exhausted i can only stay awake for 3 hours at a time#but yeah anyways idk !#be nice its so easy !#tbd
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today i had this Vivid memory flash through my mind of kissing my ex boyfriend (this was like 2018) and i felt so viscerally fucking revolted and I gotta say. it is truly impressive that I didn’t realise I’m a lesbian sooner than fucking half a year ago
#z talks#like the misidentifying as ace was Inevitable i think. that was due to repression that realising i didnt like men would not have fixed#(context: id’d as bi ace like. i wanna say 2016/17-2021/22 sometime and then went into ace and Questioning)#remember the time i really solidly settled on being aro because ‘romance has never not felt like a chore and putting on a facade’#babe no thats because your most recent and also singular long term relationship was with a Man#and thats the only one youre looking back on#its so funny how i dated a guy and it was so thoroughly Meh that i just didnt feel like pursuing anything romantic for a very long time#(A REACTION I HAD NOT HAD AFTER MY PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS WITH GIRLS)#And DIDN’T somehow consider that maybe I just Didn’t Like Guys#its nothing i grieve or feel sad about dw its honestly mostly funny to look back on#no wrongs were committed and i dont hold a grudge against the guy it was just me being confused and compheted#(…which is also a weird word to apply because at the time i identified and was out to my friends as a trans guy Binary.#This Was Also Wrong.)#was a weird time man. a truly weird time#anyway. all is well i have now been on 2 dates with a really cute girl and she gave me tulips <3#as part of a Care Delivery bc i had a Migraine and No Painkillers Or Snacks#get well flowers <333333#and now i dream of kissing her under the moonlight#With the uh. Hornetposting lately it May seem unlikely but yes I DO interact with real women! Romantically!#They coexist Wonderfully <3#Anyway. I’m gonna go to bed#Realising that im a lesbian solved all my identity problems including my fucking gender which is just fantastic#I am very happy and whenever I think of being a lesbian it grounds me to reality a little bit stronger and i go yeah. Yeah.
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recognising i wrote [insert writing project name here] three years ago is a slippery slope to realising i've been listening to some of the bands i was into a lot back then for three years and i'm just not ready to do that. like what do u mean i literally just heard of them
#rubia speaks#heard a scissor sisters song and it sent me slingshot style back to autumn 2021#there is no fucking way it has been three years. and yet it has#and you know what? that was the last good autumn i fucking had lmao#hopefully this one is. good. yeah hopefully this one is good. despite the bit of sickness complicating it
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