#but yeah former coworker is written for a reason

[bitchapalooza]

My former coworker: I’m a recovering alcoholic. BUT I can still drink moonshine.

Me: This won’t become a problem later this year.

[skynapple]

Spoilers for Xavier: 21 Days!

It's been a while folks but I'm back with the essays.

Mentions: spoilers for Xavier's completed myth and anecdotes as well. Read at your own risk below!!

I. Initial Thoughts

FIRST OF ALL

akskdkjshHhwhLWKJEKWH;ksjdSg;kdhdga

NEXT OF ALL

This card is so beautifully written for so many reasons. I am literally,,, going insane already.

YOOOOOOOOO OK SO LIKE

A. Xavier has been holding back a long time

It's so clear Xavier has been holding back, holding on for SO long. But he's also?? So freaking scared.

BUT THIS RIGHT HERE.

He holds soooo much for that girl who died in his arms; that girl who loved him so much and it was too late before he realized. And now he knows deeply that the roles feel reversed and he's terrified.

B. Contrary to Popular Belief; MC Has A Right To Be A Lil Confused

I don't think they show enough that MC still does fear losing him, and it's so obvious she's so curious about him, and wants to feel closer, but she DOES feel that wall he's built to protect his identity.

I groan a lot at how flippant and distant MC is, almost seemingly constantly rejecting Xavier's affection.

But Idk if you had a coworker who was scarily good at his job, also militant, gone for god knows how long, who knows where, and then was weirdly affectionate but then when you ask him like idk what his favorite color is he gets all "that's classified" which ok hasn't actually happened but it FEELS like it has.

He's always misdirecting anything super deep with her so yeah it goes without saying but she has every right to think that maybe he's trying to keep things professional so why wouldn't she always want to keep things professional even if she wants more?

But now he's actually being really honest. He's telling her things he's held on to for centuries (not that she knows that LOL) and you can literally see the relief in his eyes (and major props to the VA for conveying this cause my godddd it literally sounds like Xavier is TREMBLING??). And she still feels the need to clarify, hey is this real or are you lost in the moment?

Because honestly, I do feel MC does want this and has for so long. Her little "sneaky kiss" was her way of trying to say that like, what took you so long? and yes, because she does want it, she needs to be sure that he's being for real.

And props for Xavier for not wanting a three-peat of what happened with her past versions and all the miscommunication. He's done with that. He's putting his foot down to get what he wants.

C. Xavier Finally Being Honest With Himself

And for a former prince who literally gave up everything for her, he has never once allowed himself to convey just how deeply he does want her, and how much he really actually needs her and wants this with her.

I gotta hand it to @rose-tinted-kalopsia for saying this, too, cause like, this really is him accepting the whole of the past, and all of him, and saying like, "no, it's been like this all along, and I'm done hiding from the past versions, screw that, screw this, I'm getting my happy ending with you."

Cause for all of his sneaking in bits of lore (i freaking died!)

I KNOW IT'S A JAB AT HER PAST SELF I JUST KNOW IT. YOU JUST KNOW HE TENSED A LITTLE BIT AT THE ELOPE LINE.

THAT ARGUMENT HIT TOO CLOSE TO HOME.

They didn't elope because of communication issues!

He did leave and break ties with his family and she couldn't possibly know or remember that (It literally slips out and is not part of the script and you know he feels guilty about it but even that feeling and maybe mixed emotions - not anger but idk maybe a lot of THICK mixed emotions about it; none of which are regret! but STILL) like he has never been able to say it out loud and he does, he DOES. He FINALLY DOES.

So now there's a lot of the table.

D. The Spilled Cherries But It's Not What You Think

It's messy, my god how could it not be. Even the spilled cherries is like.... it's more of like "this is a mess, we're a mess, this relationship is all over the place" and the bowl gets knocked over, cause this whole situation has really literally tipped their bowl over. It's all out on the floor.

All her emotions of feeling that wall that she references a Lot™️ in all their cards, she finally breaks through and gets him to be honest with himself and with her

They actually kinda did sort of have a real genuine argument and maybe it's the first time he felt that way with her and i think honest to god he panicked a little bit - and I think that's why he says "that was normal" to her like, he has to reassure himself that's kinda normal?

good god the cooking!! he really has to wrestle with the fact that there are things he just can't do well all the time and he puts the work in to actually learn and he's semi-decent now! like maybe this man isn't about to make chicken fricassee anytime soon, but he can make some stews and simple dishes. So even that emotion of "i'm learning i'm trying to be better" is out

Their actual physical connection - she's finally stopped pressing him away, and has dropped the denial that she wants it too, but I think mentally she's a bit tired so that bowl toppling over is like, nah man I'm done with this rollercoaster too

They really do have so much synergy. Like who bought the cherries in the first place? She did, because she knows they're his favorite

The shadows merging like- his whole tearing in their earlier conversation "Do you think our shadows look like there's?" they don't specify what they were looking at out the window but it was probably a couple passing by, maybe sharing intimate proximity and a kiss and honestly that's helped tip the bowl too

the cherries being like- almost a metaphor of all these factors; all the times they've had so many, many, many miscommunication issues but it's all gone and said and done now (maybe not ALL but many of their issues)

So I'm really excited to see how it all goes moving forward.

This does not even capture half of my entire breakdown over this card but that's a majority of my brain dump.

What was your favorite moment in the card? Comment below!

[erithel]

read your fics so much over the years that now keith calling lance "sweetheart" is the default for me💀 i'll be reading fics written by other people and see some "love" "baby" etc and yeah they're cool but i'm also standing in a metaphorical corner thinking to myself "ya know what'd be even COOLER???"

this is obviously no shade to other authors, it's just me letting you know that you've altered my brain chemistry so completely it has fundamentally changed the way i consume klance

You know, I don't even know why I decided to go with sweetheart, but for some reason it just always felt "right."

I think it may have had to do with me reading one fic where Keith called Lance "baby" and my brain just could not compute him ever saying that unless it was a joke. For some reason I think "sweetheart" felt more genuine.

And yeah, obviously anyone can use whatever pet names they want/what ones work for them.

But I am glad you have joined in sweetheart klance hell. It's surprisingly a nice place to be LOL

(I know a lot of people use "darlin'" for Keith to say, and that's the absolute worst one I will never use - because all I can hear is a former coworker who would say that to people, and it just sounded like the most condescending thing ever.)

[bomberqueen17]

character creation menu

like, when i'm in this mode of trying to make a thing and it's going sort of well i wind up sort of subsuming most of my attention to it

and i keep accidentally hijacking conversations IRL and god i am struggling not to do that but literally everything I encounter IRL Gives Me An Idea For That Book

(yes, i did send a message on instagram, the only platform i still have contact with him, to my friend the former Navy diver, to ask him for more dolphin insights. yeah. we'll see. it's been years and he got politically Weird [not that way!!! the other way actually don't worry] so i'm not sure how that'll go.)

but anyway, on Character Creation

one of the problems i have is that i have to kind of write things to find them. and so i was going along writing about a particular B-plot problem, and I had a character say something snippy that I then needed an uninvolved person to overhear and react to, for scene pacing reasons (idk, it just seemed right)

and i had needed an original character for another role in the A plot so i was like ah yes, Placeholder can do that and then we segue flawlessly back into the A plot, so I wrote a bunch of that but the character was such a bland placeholder (i devoted zero thought to their name, and was like i guess they'd call themself a consultant ok, and then my brain filled in "Rin" for their name, and I'm a thousand words in before I'm like. this person cannot be named Consultant Rin.) But I got the A plot sequence done and it holds up, and reading back over it, mm this person needs more personality.

I stepped away from the computer and was eating a meal with Dude and talking to him about something unrelated, and then I was musing on how various of his coworkers sound on Zoom calls, and the only one I can tell apart is the woman with a mild speech impediment, and he was telling me more about her and I suddenly in midsentence was like "oh I don't think I've ever written a character with a speech impediment" and like.

there's technical challenges to that, which was interesting to contemplate-- just like writing a character with an accent, where you don't want to descend into like, exotifying dialect but you do want to convey something of the uniqueness of this person's diction whenever they speak. so that's a fun and interesting constraint to put on a character, and can help with a real problem I have always had in my writing, where I love writing dialogue but everyone just talks like me unless I put a ton of attention into making sure they don't.

but this character immediately morphed in my mind, from Placeholder With Stolen Name to

Extremely Autistic Technician With Like, Absolutely No Rizz Who Within Five Minutes Becomes Everyone's Favorite Person

and is not based on anyone I know but I immediately knew and loved them and that is a much better standpoint from whence to create a character.

I also need to come up with names for everybody, and that's on the list, but I'm getting there. I'm just glad I have a mental image now. I don't do visual imagination stuff very well-- fanfiction is nice because I can usually find an image of a character and refer back to that, because I'm not exactly faceblind but I don't hold images well in my mind. With original characters it's so so so so hard, because I can't imagine that well, but it really helps me keep a voice distinctive if I can look at the person and think about them talking. So.

At least having some vague notion rather than like one of those blank wooden poseable artist figure model things helps.

[danganronpafan777]

(you can write this whenever you feel like it or when you’re open to requests, no need to answer this ask right away-)

This is more of a personal request, but… my F/O/waifu is Rei- I have a headcanon that the reason she has short hair in SDRA2 is because of how much I’ve talked with her and teased her to the point she has developed somewhat of a crush that when she overheard me say “I love short hair“ it just kinda turned into a thing where she cut her hair and made her demeanor more relaxed (as in how she went from crossing her arms to just letting them be in her pockets)

I love your writing style so it’d mean a lot to me if you could write that - bonus points if you add a reaction to the short hair and maybe Rei denying it had anything to do with me lol

That's adorable oml. Thank you!

Teasing Rei Mekaru was practically your new ultimate. Rei's personally was naturally cold and dismissive towards people, but after months of talking and talking, she finally seemed to tolerate you. 

The rest of your coworkers had no idea how you managed to get close to her, but they were happy for you anyway, asking if you could invite her to events outside of work. After befriending you, Rei seemed to open up more to other people, and while she was still a long way from being as social as some of her former classmates, there was a definite change in her personality. 

"Y/n..."

"Whaat~?" 

"What did you write in my notebook?" She asked you, holding up the notebook in question.

"I have no idea what your talking about."

"Idiot, I can recognize your handwriting."

"Still doesn't ring a bell. What does it say?"

"..."

You grinned at her, "Yeees?"

She seemed unable to look you in the eyes, "It says, "Will the lovely Rei Mekaru please take a break from her work and hang out with her best friend Y/n." Happy?"

"I think I might've written something similar. What do you think though?"

"...I think you're still an idiot." 

You were insufferable. That's all that Rei could tell herself. That's all the explanation she had for the constant butterflies in her stomach and the rapid heartbeats she felt whenever she was around you. You knew what you were doing to her and you were enjoying it. 

(You had no idea what you were doing, you just liked her and hoped that she liked you back)

When she heard you mention that you liked short hair, she brushed it off. Why should she care what you like? 

...

...She doesn't care. Not at all. 

So why can't she get that comment out of her head?

She would stare in the mirror a lot. She didn't care much for her hair, and was meaning to get it cut anyway. Why not try something new? 

Yeah, that's all. Just trying something new. Nothing to do with you.

She kept repeating those thoughts over and over, even as she asked the hairdresser to cut it short, even as she was unable to get your blushing reaction to her hair out of her head. 

...

"Morning, Y/n." 

"Ha! You used my first na-..."

The realization that she did indeed use your first name briefly shattered her ego boost, but she snapped herself out of it in favor of seeing your totally not adorable face. 

She stared at your reaction, unable to keep the smile off her face. She didn't even register her hands going in her pockets, and her own posture getting more relaxed. It was just another effect you had on her, but she was too busy enjoying the look on your face. 

Obviously, the entire foundation teased her for the rest of the week, abut at the same time, you couldn't look at her without blushing. It was a small price to pay. 

She denied it had anything to do with you, but she couldn't even lie to herself anymore. Yeah, she was in love with you. She could accept that, but it still might be a while before she's prepared to confess her feelings. 

When she does, she'll make it the greatest confession you've ever received.

Art by @MayoiKinnie on Pinterest 

[bagelthatwrites]

Don't Goat Breakin My Heart

a multi chapter thing by ME

I wrote most of this at midnight last night and am NOT adding onto it. I'll write a second chapter tho <3

"Well, ah... thank you for the talk, Ms...?"

"Oh dear, please, just call me Toriel! Drive safe, will you not?" Toriel stands up and brushes herself off, and hands Reagan a small piece of paper, with her cell phone number neatly written. "You may talk to me anytime, okay?"

Toriel's smile and kind demeanor stuck with Reagan even as she was driving home from the party.

---

For the next couple of months, Toriel and Reagan grew to become good friends, occasionally planning movie nights at eachother's houses, or getting lunch together, or even just talking on the phone.

One day though, something changed. They still visited eachother, but the reasoning and the relationship built in these hang-outs changed.

It was a Tuesday afternoon, and Reagan was just about to have her lunch break, as urged by many her coworkers.

[DING]

"NEW MSG FROM: TORI 🐌" The screen read.

"Found this sneaky snail munching away on my tomato plants!! Quite the 'slimy' predicament, is it not? L.O.L! I hope you are doing well on this fine day ]:) From, Toriel.

P.S My friend sans taught me the meaning of L.O.L. Did you know it means 'Lots of Laughs?' Heehee!"

Attached to the message was a picture of the goat monster, excitedly holding her finger (?) out as a snail was crawling upon it.

Reagan chuckled a bit. Oh man, isn't she wonderful.

Uh oh.

Reagan nearly dropped her phone as the realization hit her, and her face heated up as red as a tomato.

OH MAN. ISN'T SHE WONDERFUL.

Reagan went to grab lunch and rushed on down to the office of the one person she knew who could help: Gigi.

---

"Gigi! I need your-" Reagan nearly keeled over at the door, out of breath.

"Oh- is this a girl talk time? I'll get Brett- let's get you sat down." Gigi lead her back out of the polished office and to the small break room, sitting her friend down at the plastic table, and leaning her elbow on it as she sat down.

"Now- spill. I want to hear all about the troubles."

"Well, ah- so, you know that thing we had to go to about 4 or 5 months ago... and I ended up in a tussle with some asshole, and I nearly got us all kicked out...?" Reagan prefaced, grimacing at it.

"Well...?" Her coworker leaned in...

"Well, there was that monster lady there, her name was Toriel... And she came out to check on me, and... she really helped me calm down. She was really sweet, and we're sort of friends now?" Reagan adjusted her position in the seat.

"But- y'know, um... today, I got a text from her, like usual, and this time, I felt... different about her??? She's all kinds of silly and sweet and I guess it just... hit me all at once, you know?"

Reagan rested her cheek on her hand, smiling at the thought of the kind woman who she had grown so familiar with.

Gigi's eyes grew wide as she put the pieces together. "Oh my god... you have a CRUSH?"

Reagan jolted out of her daydream and shushed her. "Not so loud-!"

Brett burst in with an assortment of snacks. "I'm here!! Who needs what!?"

"Reagan has a crush!" Gigi relayed the information, and he formed a wide smile in response.

"Reagan, you're telling me you formed a big fat gay crush on the former queen of monsters, and you don't think this is a big deal???" Gigi turned back to Reagan, who was burying her red face in her arms.

"The WHO?" Brett sat down at the table, leaning in.

"Not so loud..."

"Sorry Reags!"

"I- well, um- I need some advice on how to ask her out... and I don't know how to do it??? What if she's straight??? What if i fuck up??? What if she doesn't date at all?? I don't know jack shit about feelings, you both know that!!"

"Well... you could just... ask her out front! You're blunt with your feelings usually, right?" Brett queried, starting on his lunch.

"Bluntness in a relationship has never ended well for me."

"Oh, I have an idea! The HoloDeck! Just practice a date or two in there!" Gigi piped up.

"Yeah! Like The Good Place!"

"...well...it's worth a shot. Thanks, you guys."

---

[electricbluebutterflies]

Helnik + meeting the “family” (crows found family vibes…)

Or, in which none of the Crows actually want to go ice skating but Nina is Like That. Pretty sure I've never written the other babes before so fingers crossed my characterization is okay? Modern AU, PG-ish, also on ao3.

There are only so many ways this could go wrong. Matthias is pretty sure he’s about to find all of them.

Nina had seemed like a minor miracle when they met a few months ago, which is objectively a weird thing to say about someone who accidentally ran over his foot with her moped but at least it was an accident and she decided that was enough reason to insert herself into his life on some vague justification that two broken bones meant she owed him a bunch of favors and… honestly he’s not sure how that turned into a sorta relationship where they make out on his couch a lot but haven’t discussed feelings, but it did. And one of the perks, if he’s honest with himself, is that there is no intimidating family on her side to eventually meet.

Or, well, not one she’s related to by blood or legal technicalities. That may make this worse.

What Nina has, instead of a more traditional family-of-origin situation, is a squad of misfits who… as Matthias understands the situation, and it was a little hard to focus given she thought this was an okay conversation to have while both of them were minimally clothed, had originally formed without her and dragged her into the fold during a brief time she worked with one of them. The former coworker, the way Nina tells it, is all the people skills of the group; the other two are harder to socialize and can’t figure out the concept of mutual pining, and-

Point being, Matthias has heard too many stories about these people to not want to meet them, and it was at least partially his idea, something something it would be nice for all of the main elements of Nina’s life to integrate and he’s not trying to claim space that isn’t his but if her friends are going to hate him he’d like to know now, and-

Nina, enthusiastic disaster that she is, decided ice skating would be a low-pressure activity. Nina will somehow not get blamed for any of this. He’d hate her if he wasn’t falling in love with her.

He gets there early and isn’t totally sure what he’s keeping an eye out for – Nina herself runs perpetually ten minutes late for everything, and trying to get adequate physical descriptions of her friends out of her was a losing battle, she wasn’t even sure how many people were along for the ride here and-

After what seems like half a lifetime but is really more like five minutes, a couple who look around his age approaches – holding hands, Matthias points out in his mind, trying to judge anyone else’s relationship status is mean and he’s trying to do better but these two are obviously a thing – and he vaguely remembers Nina saying something about one of her people having a flamboyant fashion sense and-

“Matthias, yeah?” the one who lines up with that description says. The aesthetic is glam-rock meets steampunk and Matthias is honestly not sure how anyone can look at themselves in a mirror and still go outside in that many colors at once, but somehow it’s working, and-

“Yeah. I didn’t catch names, Nina was kinda…”

“Trying to protect you from us. Or us from you, I’m not sure-“

“Jes-“ the presumed boyfriend says, and this one has kicked-puppy energy and Matthias may already have a favorite in the group even though he hasn’t met the others yet and-

“Yeah, sorry. I’m Jesper, this is Wylan, Kaz and Inej are probably fighting in her car right now and-“

“Sounds fun,” Matthias mutters, wondering what he’s gotten himself into. His own social circle is limited, to put it politely; he didn’t go back home after his stint in the military, and he has a dog and who needs more than that, and-

“They’re great, really, but I think Nina picked this activity to torture them and nobody can say no to her so…”

“I’ve noticed.”

“She showed us the antlers she put on your dog. Even animals aren’t immune.”

Matthias likes this part of the group, he decides. Jesper doesn’t seem able to shut up and the idea of him and Nina in the same space given their overlapping tendencies… this one is the former coworker, Matthias figures out without asking, and a rambling story about the people one encounters while tending bar on major holidays confirms it, and-

Nina herself is the next to show up, looking gorgeous as ever and yeah Matthias is developing feelings alright, and she’s not subtle with the PDA and he’d let her do anything, and-

“Did our cryptids bail on us?” she asks, turning her attention to Jesper. “Or are they…”

“Always safer not to know. If they’re late, there’s reasons.”

Nina gives the rest of the group an annoyed look. “Is this even an okay activity for… I should’ve asked, I really should’ve-“

“They’re going to be clinging to each other anyways. And probably the wall. I’m not worried. If they even show up.”

“How damn hard is it to text people, I swear to-“

Her voice cuts off as Jesper switches back into an even louder mode of enthusiasm, waving to someone in the distance. Matthias turns and sees what must be the missing people approaching, this duo a little harder to read as a couple but there’s definitely some kind of connection going on there, and he’s left standing still while Nina and Jesper decide to meet their other friends halfway, him and the stray boyfriend and-

“How long have you been involved in this…”

“Close to a year,” Wylan shrugs. “And I’m not used to all of them at once either.”

“Is that supposed to be reassuring?”

“Some families are hard to integrate into. I don’t know. You’re here. That’s at least a chance.”

A chance for what, Matthias isn’t sure, but-

The other two – Kaz and Inej, he reminds himself, attaching names – join the circle and both seem to eye him like prey, eyes searching separately for weakness. Matthias isn’t scared of them, exactly, but he feels like he should be, and-

“So you’re the one Nina tried to kill?” Inej asks, and there’s something almost playful in her voice that he can’t place.

“She ran over my foot. Total accident.”

“Welcome. I wouldn’t say we require scars, but…”

“Nina hasn’t brought any of her flings into the fray,” Kaz adds, decidedly more guarded. “First time for everything. If we all survive this.”

“There are only so many places I can take you people in December,” Nina points out, arms crossed under her chest in a way that is just unfair in public. “None of us have ever gotten kicked out of a pop-up ice rink, so I thought…”

“First time for everything,” Kaz repeats. “Now, are we doing this or not?”

Matthias would like to think he has an advantage over the rest of the group – he grew up in that part of Minnesota, played hockey in high school and everything – and sure enough, even though it’s been a few years since he’s been on skates, he’s still at least decent. Nina is anything but, and she clings to him in a way that even he can justify because otherwise she’ll hit the ground every thirty seconds, but she’s clearly enjoying herself. The others…

Matthias doesn’t know them yet. It may be years before he feels like he knows them. He wants that time. He wants to see what they’re all like in a more comfortable environment – it is made clear that none of them thought this outing was a good idea, with the possible exception of poor Wylan who apparently has some boundary issues and a need for attention that the others are trying to help him minimize and live beyond – and maybe next time they’ll get that. Maybe next time…

“Having fun?” Nina asks after a while, leaning up to kiss Matthias’s cheek.

“Yeah. I am.”

“They like you.”

“You sure?”

“It’s been half an hour and no one’s threatened you yet. They like you.”

“Next time we should do something where we can bring Sigyn.”

“Do you really want my friends around your dog?”

“Who can say no to her?”

Nina smiles, and she glows sometimes and it’s captivating. “No wonder I get along with her, we’re so similar…”

“You’re cuter,” Matthias says, kissing the top of her head.

“I’ve been compared to worse. And she is a winter dog…”

“Next time it snows we could do… something. All of us.”

“I can’t believe it, you’re actually suggesting activities that involve other people, I have corrupted you.”

“Just a little.”

If this is what he’s gotten into, he thinks, maybe they’ll be okay.

[childabusesurvivor]

Do You Struggle to Accept Compliments?

New Post has been published on https://www.childabusesurvivor.net/reviews/2023/09/13/do-you-struggle-to-accept-compliments/

Do You Struggle to Accept Compliments?

I do. Just a couple of weeks ago I was on the phone with a former coworker who paid me a compliment for the work I do with this site, and it took everything I had to just say thank you instead of trying to diminish it in some way.

I’m also not above admitting that I said thank you mostly in the hopes that she would stop talking about it and go back to what we had been talking about before she brought it up.

Yeah, compliments make me that uncomfortable. I know I’m not alone in that. That is why when I saw this post I had to check it out:

Accepting compliments is hard

Sara explains some of the reasons why it’s hard, including how much easier it is to internalize negative feedback than a compliment and the ways in which we deflect them, much as I tried to do. She also has a few thoughts on what we should take into consideration as we try to get better at accepting compliments.

My favorite thing to consider from her list – Do you compliment yourself? Why or why not?

As a survivor advocate I have written dozens of times and told people individually at least as many times that the abuse was not our fault, it does not reflect on us negatively. There is nothing in our character that somehow deserved or attracted the abuse.

I know that. I feel that. So why do I continue to be unable to compliment myself or accept compliments from others? Why do you?

#Abuse, #Hope

[endiness]

yeah, so. just for a fact checking reminder: the rumor that the witcher writers hate the books was started by a writer who was fired for being emotionally and physically abusive. in what was a fairly blatant attempt to incite the fanbase against his ex-coworkers tbh. and this is what his former co-worker had to say about him:

also as it's kind of relevant: the same writer who was fired from the witcher was also recently fired a week before his latest project that he was showrunner for was about to premiere (and not "departed due to creative differences" or some other kind of pr spin but just straight up fired) and while there's no official information on why, the rumor is because he was "a nightmare to work with."

and just on the henry cavill side of things as far as him being some super massive, lore obsessed fan of the series goes... he not only did not know the books existed when he first pursued the role, but he actually thought the books were based off the games and, either way, he still never bothered to check them out.

"I met Lauren and that's when I learned [the games] were books."

"I did not know the games were based on the books, but after meeting Lauren, I did."

"I played the video games before I read the books. I thought the books were based upon the games because any time I saw a Witcher book, it was always game art on the cover. After meeting with Lauren, she told me about the books."

"I knew The Witcher from the games and then I met Lauren and Lauren told me that they were a series of books as well, which the books were based upon. I had no idea about that."

as of 2021, he's only read the series once in 2018 — which is the same time he found out they existed and that the games were based on them instead of the other way around. (he's also never played the dlc for tw3, jsyk.)

"I haven't read the full series in a while, since just before I got the role [in 2018], actually."

and as far as him just caring SO much about book accuracy goes... he fucked up geralt's characterization in s1 and made it book inaccurate by cutting his lines and either saying nothing or grunting instead.

"All the grunts, I either added or I didn't say anything and just grunted instead. It was often up to the other actors to go, 'I think he's not gonna say anything now.'"

and then come time for s2 press and suddenly he's just ~all about the books and he pushed SO hard for a more book accurate, verbose geralt in s2. and all while virtually never taking any responsibility for how he's the reason why geralt would just say nothing and grunt.

he also straight up lied about the whole situation and tried to act like geralt was always originally written with very little dialogue, which is not true.

LAUREN: In the first episode, when I originally wrote it, Geralt spoke a lot because that’s what he’s like in the books. People always think of Geralt as stoic, but in the books he talks nonstop. […] We immediately starting pulling back on that and by the time we shot the final episode, the script much more matches what’s onscreen because together we really learned what was working. In that way, we honored a lot of what’s in the books but also made sure it works for the guy that you see onscreen.

and tried to blame it on yennefer and ciri having their own storylines and being prominent, important characters:

"In Season 1, there wasn't really much of an opportunity for expansive dialogue which Geralt is known for — in the books, he's often known to monologue — because we had two original origin stories which were the center point of the show."

and tried to act like the lines he was cutting weren't even that important anyway so it didn't really matter.

JOEY BATEY: Henry likes to cut his lines, 'cause he's lazy. No, he literally just likes to cut them. He likes to do more up here [frames his face with his hands] and just with face and hmms and grunts. There's a lot of hmms, and so I often have to take a lot of his lines and turn it into a lot of my stuff so that the plot happens.

and just for some other book inaccurate things he's either fully or at least partially responsible for:

he had at least some hand in fucking up geralt and jaskier's friendship because he didn't want to "play it more directly like the books" and have them be all "hey, buddy!" with each other.

he cut geralt and triss even just platonically finding comfort in each other for a night in s2 — which is book canon.

he cut a geralt and yennefer sex scene in s2 because he didn't think that'd be in character of them. even though that absolutely would've been in character of them.

he didn't want to play geralt as struggling with fatherhood at all in s2 or having any conflict in geralt and ciri's relationship which had the domino effect of leading to eskel's death, yennefer's betrayal arc, and voleth meir being a season long villain.

and as far as the pr of him wanting books accuracy goes... he was actually just lowkey mad that he was co-lead with two women and that the show heavily focuses on women, y'know, like the books do.

"The toughest part for me was finding that balance between the showrunners’ vision and my love for the books, and trying to bring that Geralt to the showrunners’ vision."

"It’s important for me to have the character be three-dimensional and it’s tricky to do, as I was saying earlier, because there’s a certain vision and there’s a certain set, storyline and plot."

"There’s only so much space to provide the same character from the books within the showrunner’s vision."

"On season two, I wanted to bring as much of 'Book' Geralt into the show that Lauren's vision and that the plot would allow. That's a tricky thing to do, because the plot, as Lauren has said, is very centred around bringing women into the centre of The Witcher."

"Lauren’s vision was more of an ensemble piece than the first Witcher books. It’s driven a lot more by the characters of Yennefer and Cirilla."

also i'm too lazy to pull quotes for this, but if you look at any interview from the cast and crew (sans hc), like, it is obvious that the writers and the people working on the show do actually know and care about and like and understand the story and the source material. and just with lauren in particular, like, everyone in the cast (sans hc) has very positive things to say about her and her showrunning style and her willingness to be collaborative and hear them out on ideas they have about their characters and storylines and everything.

and as far as the mood on the set goes, i mean. there is the conspiracy theory that henry cavill was fired for being sexist and making it impossible for women to work with him which, js, has more evidence supporting it than the idea that he was fired or quit because he just cares about the source material SO MUCH.

also, js, but i personally think it says a lot that after s1 — even with all the world events going on — there was still a severe lack of behind the scenes content with the cast but come filming for s4 with liam at the helm as geralt and suddenly there's footage of a table read where the cast and crew all seem very happy and energetic and having a fun time with each other and that the show also hired an agency to do behind the scenes stuff for s4, too.

Let is be know that when I say "AMC Interview with the Vampire is everything Netflix The Witcher should have been" what I mean is "Iwtv is a good adaptation of a popular fantasy series that does take liberties in many places but at the end of the day it still stay true themes of the book, made by people who can't stop praising the book author (and it also looks like a really fun set to work at) while The Witcher missed the whole point of the series, the writers actually admited they didn't even like the books and the lead actor left the project after being told like a dozen of times "he is hard to work with" when all he did was pointing out that the script doesn't follow the book" but also "they actually made those cat eyes contacts lens work"

[lemonjoonah]

The Garden Thief (M)

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader Word Count: 9.3K Genre: Hybrid AU, romance/drama/comedy, enemies to lovers Warnings: Unprotected sex, oral sex (fem. rec.), they get down and dirty outside but no one else is there to see them, cum play? (just a little), there’s also a bit of mud (sorry, but also not sorry, they’re outside what do you want from me?!?!), referenced hybrid neglect and oppression (hybrids are wrongfully deemed as pets by law and the majority of society).  

Summary: Your beloved vegetable patch has once again been victimized by a hungry thief in the night. The prime suspect? Jeon Jungkook, your neighbour's rabbit hybrid. But when you finally confront him, he pleads innocent, and proposes a plan to clear his name.

A/N: I wrote this fic’s premise and opening scene for the ‘A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words Game’ that I played oh so long ago and now I’ve finally finished the tale!

...

“Oh for fuck’s sake, not again!” You swear upon seeing the leafy green remains of several carrots lying in your garden, inches from where they used to be buried. This maddening mystery of the vanishing vegetables has been playing out all summer. You’ve set out deterrents for every possible garden pest, rolling out chicken wire and spraying natural remedies to repel anything from bugs to small rodents. Yet you still wake to find that your garden has been robbed in the night. The only possible suspect you haven’t been able to protect against resides just next door, in fact—

You squint up at the boarded fence, spotting a pair of long dark ears peeking out over the posts. “Jungkook, is that you?”

The ears immediately disappear, ducking down behind the barrier. The sound of his hurried footsteps trailing away are followed only by the slamming of a door.

You rush into and through your own house carrying the wilted carrot greens. Exiting out the front, and over to the house next to yours, where you repeatedly press the bell.

The entry whips open on the fourth ring to reveal Jungkook. His face is flushed, beads of sweat racing down his brow, and a shirt that one would normally use to cover their chest, is instead thrown over his shoulder. “Something wrong neighbour?” He asks with a carrot stick in hand. Bringing it to his mouth, he taunts you with a bite and crooked grin.

“Is-is your caretaker home?” You stutter trying your best to swallow your nerves. Concentrating hard on his face, you plead with your eyes not to wander down. That’s exactly what he wants, a reason to put you off your mission, to make you so flustered that you have to walk away. He’s always trying to use his allure against you, and you hate how often he succeeds doing just that...  

“No, he’s at work.”

“When will he be back?”

“Not sure, maybe a week, or two? He’s on a business trip.”

Your gaze falters in it’s determination for a brief second as a drop of sweat descends from his neck to his chest. Holding your breath you watch it’s path, tracing the valleys between his muscles. When Jungkook finally wipes it away your brain catches up and scolds you for your weakness. “And he left you here, alone?”  You ask, while trying to recollect your dignity, reminding yourself of how much grief he has put you through.

“Of course.” Jungkook’s smile grows. “I���m not just some common pet. I know how to behave myself.”

The statement makes your brow twitch, enraging you enough to overcome his tactics. “I know you haven’t been here long, but you should know, people typically don’t like it when someone steals from their yard.” You lecture him, waving the carrot tops in front of his face. “So stop treating my garden like your own personal snack bar!”

“Now why would I take from you? I have plenty of food here, even got another delivery this morning.”  The hybrid kicks at a box next him filled with a vibrant collection of fresh produce and grains.

“I don’t know why. I just know it was you.”

“Prove it.” He prods, while taking the last bite of the vegetable from his hand.

The loud crunching gnaws on your composure, stripping you of any patience you may have had for the hybrid. “This all started when you moved in, and I’ve ruled everything else out!” You shout, but as good as it might feel to finally vent your anger, you feel as though you’re somehow playing into his hand.

“That doesn’t seem like very good evidence. It’s circumstantial at best. If you want to find out who the real culprit is you should have a stake out.”

“A stake out?”

“Yeah, you know, watch over the garden for the night, catch the criminal in the act. I could even help if you’d like.”

You scoff at the ridiculous notion. “You really think I should invite you over to guard my crops?”

“I do, so I’ll come over tonight? Say around seven?” You open your mouth to object, but the rabbit hybrid jumps from one statement to the next casually inviting himself into your own home. “Perfect. See you then.”

“I didn’t-no wait, that was sar-” The door closes between you before you can finish. Leaving you baffled and alone on the doorstep. You ready to knock but stop just before your knuckles hit the wood. Trying again right now is a lost cause, it’ll just play into his game. So why waste your breath when you know it’ll just end the same way? Tonight then, as he suggested, that’s when you’ll be ready to hit him with some hard evidence that he won’t be able to refute.

Admitting defeat for now, you retreat back to your garden to pick the surviving vegetables and contemplate the encounter. You wish your could have just spoken to Jungkook’s caretaker—fuck what was his name again? You’ve only seen the man a couple times since they took the house, but at least he doesn't give you a nervous knot in your stomach, or leave you confused and speechless like his hybrid does.

It’s been three months since they moved in. You were excited at first, to have new neighbours in your almost vacant cul-de-sac. Buyers don’t seem to be interested in the old houses with large lots in your area. Too much work to maintain, and not enough good job prospects to go around. So when you saw the sold sign go up you were beyond thrilled. Greeting the new residents with a fruit basket and a smile.

The rabbit hybrid you now know as Jungkook appeared rather shy at first, you did your best to welcome him. Always greeting him when he was outside, trying to engage him in small chat, but the first time you caught him during his workout everything changed. Until that point you had not considered him as anything but a prospective friend. You were stunned to see him in such a confident state, throwing around his weights like they were nothing. In that moment, with you too nervous to admit that you found him attractive, you became the anxious and blubbering fool in his presence, and he, unfortunately, took note. The once quiet and cute rabbit, became a flirtatious and bratty bunny.

And since then, whenever you would work in your garden he’d be on the other side of the fence grunting and panting. Staying close to the gap in the divider, a missing panel you had yet to replace. On days like today you would often look up from your radishes and accidentally lock eyes with the hybrid, drenched in sweat and showing off his skills.

Out of respect and self preservation you tried your best to not to pay attention, to keep your nose buried in your garden, but as the weeks went by the vegetables under your care started to disappear. The ample crops you tended to in the evening, lessened by morning, with only the refuse remaining to indicate it’s former presence. You didn’t want to point fingers immediately, but today was the final straw, and tonight no matter how hard he tries to distract you, you will find him guilty.

After harvesting the choice crops for the day and watering the rest. You dust yourself off, settling inside and in front of your computer; opening the visitors page for your place of work, the city's greenhouse conservatory. To help promote the centre in the community the staff all take turns writing articles revolving around their own projects or home gardens, and you’re up next in the rotation. You stare at the blank document for several minutes trying your best to concentrate on the task, but you are unable to think of anything other than the mischievous hybrid next door.

Embracing the topic of your aggravation, you start the post off with a title sure to catch the eye of any reader, ‘Garden Thieves.’

‘We’ve all been there, finding a tomato just about to reach its peak ripeness. We give it another day to grow into perfection, only to find it missing later on. In your absence something else has taken it into its own clutches. I myself have been dealing with a vegetable thief for several weeks, so if you are struggling like I am, here are a few things that might help. ’

You proceed to outline several garden pests uploading photos of their damage, along with quick remedies to deter their presence. Netting to block the sparrows, raised beds and fences to keep out most rodents or mammals, and a caffeine solution to stave off slugs.

‘I hope this may help you all in your efforts to keep your plants safe, but I must add a disclaimer. Unfortunately nothing here is completely foolproof. Even if you do follow all of these steps you still might lose some of your crops to a crafty critter. But I wish you the best of luck on all of your backyard battles. I myself plan to face off with my own long-eared menace tonight.’

You finish your post with a smile. Sending it off to your coworker Namjoon to get his approval before you make it public.

He calls a few minutes later, his laughter carrying through the speaker. “That was easily the best article you’ve written all year. You should definitely post it.”

“Thanks.” You chuckle, hitting the submit button. At the very least feeling a bit relieved to have one less task weighing on your mind. “I really appreciate it.”

“No problem. I take it you’re still having trouble with that hybrid neighbour of yours?”

“Yeah,” you groan. You’ve complained to Namjoon about the issue several times in the past month. It must have been all too easy for him to read between the lines and see what set you off to create this specific entry.  “But he refuses to admit it was him. It’s like he’s trying to make me question my skills as a gardener and I hate it! I went over to talk to his caretaker but he’s away on business for a couple weeks.”

“He left him alone for that long? What about food?”

“He’s been getting deliveries. By the looks of it, he has a healthier diet than I do.”

Namjoon pauses on the line giving you only a simple, “Huh...” in a long break.

“What?”

“Well it’s just-” A loud buzzing sound erupts through the phone line cutting off his answer. A noise you know to indicate someone is at the back door. “That’s weird. I didn’t think we were supposed to get anything delivered today. No one else is here.... did you have anything scheduled to come in?”

“No.” You double check the calendar sitting on your desk. “I shouldn’t have anything until next Monday.”  

Namjoon puts you on hold while he checks on the reason for the interruption, returning only a minute later. “It’s a delivery all right, but are you sure these aren’t yours? I’m seeing a lot of tropical species on the invoice. Combretum rotundifolium, Heliconia angusta, Myrciaria dubia-”

You mouth a swear as Namjoon carries on with his list. It’s obvious they are indeed the specimens of your expected batch. You're in the process of redesigning one of the tropical habitats. The lead director was adamant that the conservatory host a butterfly exhibition in the next coming year, and in order to support the grandiose endeavour you are required to introduce a vast amount of new flowering species over the next few months. “How many in total?”

“About two dozen. Looking pretty rough from the journey too.”

You’re not surprised by their current state. This summer is already one of the hottest and driest on record, and all the stock you had received this season was excessively wilted and near death because of it. “Do we have any holding houses with humidifiers available?”

“Not at the moment,” There’s a clatter in the background as Namjoon sorts through what must be the slack of clipboards. “But I’ve got the inspection chart here and your last delivery did just finish it’s quarantine. No signs of pests or illness, so they’re clear to plant. That should free up some space for you.”

“That’ll have to do. Thanks for checking.” Standing up from your desk with a sorrowful sigh. You mourn the loss or your afternoon off as you start to dress for a day of hard labour. Throwing on your work-issued overalls over your t-shirt and shorts. Unfortunately you can’t just leave the new stock to sit out under the beating sun. With little humidity outside and no protection they’ll be burnt to a crisp if you delay too long. But the worst part is that your planting staff isn’t scheduled until later in the week, and that volume of work will put you well into the middle of the night before you complete it. “I’ll be in soon to deal with it.”

“That’s a lot of planting to do on your own. I can help if you-”

“I can’t take you away from your trees, isn’t there a bonsai exhibition next week you have to prepare them for?” He’s been agonizing over this showcase for so long you couldn’t possibly inconvenience him now with your own troubles. “It’s fine, really. I’ll call to see if anyone else is willing to come in today.” You hang up letting Namjoon return to his tasks, and work your way down the contacts for the gardening staff as you prepare yourself to leave. Though as expected, all of those who answer have prior commitments and won’t be able to assist.

Grabbing your badge and plans for the updates to the garden you slip back out into the noon-day sun, so strong it’s turned your car into an oven on wheels. You’re just about to pull it into reverse when you spot the blinds shift in your neighbour’s window. Prompting you to recall the plans he had made for tonight.

With all the work you have, it’s doubtful you’ll be back home for seven. You return to Jungkook’s door to give him the news. He has it open before you can even knock, his usual smirk crawling across his face as he greets you.  

“About tonight... something has come up at work and I really don’t know how late I’ll be.”

His ears perk up. “You’re going into the conservatory?”

“Yeah,” you respond, somewhat shocked that he remembered where you work. It’s been a couple months since you mentioned it while introducing yourself to him and his caretaker. “An order came in earlier than expected. I’ll likely be planting all day and night.”

“I can help,” he offers, already stepping out to join you, and locking the door behind him.

“You want to help?”

“Of course, isn’t that the neighbourly thing to do?”

“Yes, but I wouldn’t want it or expect it from someone who terrorizes my own garden.”

“Allegedly,” Jungkook corrects. “And wouldn’t you rather have me with you, under your supervision, than here, all alone with only a measly fence between me and your impressive bell pepper harvest?”

“Stay away from my peppers!” You scold, pointing your finger at him. “Even if I wanted to take you, what about your caretaker? Don’t you need his permission to leave and work?”

“He’s never paid attention to my whereabouts before, and it’s not work if you don’t pay me. I’ll just be a volunteer. You have people volunteer all the time right?”

“Yes but-”  

“I’ll be on my best behaviour.”

“Alright, fine.” You finally agree though with a heavy dose of reluctance. Namjoon often brings his own hybrid in so it shouldn’t be a problem. “But if I see you nibble on even a single leaf, you’re coming straight back here.”

“Deal.” He rushes past you straight to your passenger seat and buckles himself in. Practically bouncing with excitement beside you as you pull out and head towards the conservatory.

The minutes pass and you try your best to focus on the road but you’ve never been so close to Jungkook in such a small space. And with his built frame taking up most of the car, he’s hard for you to ignore. His ears folded against the roof and his shoulders so wide they brush repeatedly against yours.

“Ever been to the conservatory before?” You ask, trying to divert your mind from the battle which builds inside you. A wavering war between frustration and attraction, with the former trying it’s best to pin down the latter, a move which only arouses the latter more...

“No, I’ve wanted to go ever since you mentioned it but my caretaker hasn’t had the time.”

“Oh.” A sense of pity joins the ranks of your emotions, nudging at you as you pull into the lot. “Sorry, I didn’t-”

“Why are you sorry?” Jungkook asks in a low whisper, snapping back to his flirtatious behaviours. His mouth turns up at the corner as he leans into you, so close that his drooping ears graze the top of your head.  “Would you have taken me earlier if I had mentioned it?”

“N-no,” you choke out. Placing your hand on his solid chest, you push him back and away. As tempting as his advance might be to accept, you know his forwardness to be nothing more than an act to make a fool of you. Why else would he try to both seduce you, and steal from right under your nose?  “You’re only here today because I am in desperate need of help, and I can’t trust you to be alone.”

...

You lead him through the unoccupied greenhouses. The conservation is closed to the public today (as it is every Monday and Tuesday); which usually allows for some time off, but at least now it’ll give you a chance to work unimpeded by visitors. Your own curated section is located in the most humid of all the houses, set in such a way to mimic the tropical environment you are attempting to represent.

The first stop is the holding house where the carts of new stock wait just outside.  Grabbing an empty trolly you enter and start to load up those that are ready to plant. Jungkook following your actions does the same, easily lifting the heavy planters that you yourself struggle with. “Thanks,” you whisper as he relieves you of a particularly burdensome tree. To which he smiles in return.

After making the switch, by placing the recent delivery in the house for it’s quarantine, you lead him to the supply closet. Where you collect a couple shovels, trowels, and two pairs of gloves. As you continue to scan for anything else you might require, Jungkook pops in behind looking at the shelves with a sense of curiosity. He reaches up and over you to a spray bottle labeled ‘slug repellent.’

“We won’t need that, it’s for the outdoor gardens,” You explain. “It’s just a mixture of ca-”

“Caffeine and water?”

You snap your gaze to him. “How do you know that?”

He bites his lip as a snicker starts to escape. “Just a bit of morning reading. I found an interesting article with that particular tidbit. One which also happened to reference the exploits of a long-eared menace.”

“Y-you read the conservatory blog? You read my post? No one reads that, there can’t have been more than ten views!”

“Which is such a shame.” He goads you. “I’ve found your work to be both informative and comical. You really have me rooting for you in your quest to catch your thief.”

You groan in utter fury. “Why must you be so-so-”

“Handsome? Funny? Caring?”

“Antagonizing!”

“Because you seem to take more notice when I am.” Jungkook answers, with a turn of his heel, his tail poking out from under his shirt as he starts to walk away with the cart. “And I like seeing that perplexed look of yours. Your nose is cute when you scrunch it up like that.”

You remain in the shed, your traitorous heart beating erratically over the fact that he called a part of you cute. While your more sensible side grabs your nose and smooths out the wrinkles he referenced.

“Should we get to work?” He calls out after you. “The sooner we finish, the sooner we can go home and expose that bandit of yours.”

You roll your eyes and follow him out, before taking the lead to your tropical glasshouse. The air sticks to your skin the moment you enter. Jungkook lets out a long exhale behind you tugging on the collar of his shirt. “Is it always like this in here?”

“It’s a bit warmer today, but not by much. Are you already regretting your decision to help?” You tease him.

“Nope,” he answers, slinging a shovel over his shoulder. “Show me where to dig, and I’ll get to it.”

Pulling out your plans for the new exhibit arrangement, you select a couple species placing them on the empty plots of garden as directed, careful to allow for future growth. Jungkook follows behind digging out their new homes faster than at least three of your staff members combined.

You stare at him for a second, unable to believe the pace at which he’s going. “Something wrong?” He asks, pausing to lock eyes with you.

“No, I just didn’t think you’d be so quick at digging.”

“I’m part rabbit, what did you expect?” Jungkook boasts with a chuckle and a raised brow. “I share their strengths. Especially when it comes to burrowing and fu-”      

His words are cut short when a fresh breeze from the outside washes over the both of you, a  sure sign that someone must have entered the greenhouse. Your neighbour goes rigid, his nose lifts into the air and his ears fall back flat against his head. “Jungkook what’s-” Leaping up he closes the gap and grabs you. Tucking you into him with his chin resting on your head, where a  warm and earthy scent envelopes you.  His breaths are quick and deep, causing his chest to rapidly rise and fall against your back.

Namjoon’s voice calls out to you. “... are you in here?”

“Over here!” You yell out in reply, before turning back to the hybrid who still has you locked in his clutches. “What the hell Jungkook? Let me go! Now’s not the time for your games.” Sure it might feel nice to be wrapped in his arms, to get lost amidst his aroma. At any other time you might even consider taking a moment before chastising his boldness. But here? Now? And with Namjoon coming to greet you? No, this is too much.

You try to push him away like you have before, but this time it’s as if he’s set in stone, and not registering you at all. He focuses only on the direction your coworker's voice hailed from. “That scent, he smells like-”

“There you are.” Namjoon interrupts stepping around a flowering bush and into view, looking surprised by your guest. “Oh, hello there.”

The point of Jungkook's chin rubs against your head as he grips you even tighter. Embarrassed and confused by the hybrids embrace. “Jungkook, this is Namjoon.” You introduce your coworker while delivering an elbow to Jungkook’s gut. He finally snaps out of his trace and lets you go though he continues to hover behind. “He works with the bonsai of the conservatory.”

“You must be the neighbour I’ve heard so much about, it’s nice to finally meet you.” Namjoon extends his hand to the hybrid, but Jungkook ignores the gesture, choosing to glare instead, with his nostrils flared and his ears pinned back.

“Jungkook?” You whisper trying to chase him from his mood.

Namjoon gives him a nervous smile. “You probably smell my hybrid, on me don’t you?”

“A hybrid?” Jungkook confirms, his eyes narrowed at Namjoon.

“Yeah, sorry, I didn’t intend to scare you. I’m sure the scent of a predator, especially a tiger, is a bit of a shock. He’s harmless, I promise.”

“Is Taehyung here?” You ask, hoping to see his affectionate part-feline companion.  

“Nah, he’s with a friend today. I needed to get some work done and he’d be more of a distraction than a help... but it would seem that didn’t stop him from scenting my shirt before I left.” Namjoon explains, and then turns to your neighbour again. “Jungkook would you mind if I borrow her for a second? I need help with one of my tropical species.”

Jungkook gives a solemn nod. For the first time since you’ve known him, he looks frightened, and somewhat hesitant to release you over to your coworker.

Worried by his current disposition, you reassure him with a squeeze on his arm. “Just keep digging where I’ve placed those pots and I’ll be right back.”

Namjoon leads you into the adjacent greenhouse where you can continue to keep watch of Jungkook through the pains of glass. But the instant the doors close between you, Namjoon starts bombarding you with questions. “Why didn’t you tell me? How long has it been going on? ”

You take a step back having been caught off guard. “Tell you what?”

“About you and Jungkook! Is the feuding neighbours just a cover story?” Namjoon’s eyes are wide and hopeful as he carries on, not letting you fit a single word in. “Don’t worry, I won’t inform anyone you're together. I know it’s not easy having a human-hybrid relationship out in the open. But I think you should be careful about going out into public because he’s far too obvious about it.”

“We’re not- we’re not a couple. Why would you think such a thing?”

“Because the way held you, he looked like he was marking you with his own scent. That’s what rabbits do isn’t it? They rub their chins on what they want to claim as their own.”

“They do what?” You ask, stunned by the possibility, before the realism settles back in. It must just be Jungkook’s idea of a joke. “No, that’s not what he’s doing, our connection is nothing remotely like that. Don’t get me wrong he’s very attractive, and he knows it.” You mutter the last part under your breath. “But-”

“But you really are having trouble with him. It's not a cover?”

“You think I would keep something like that from you?” Namjoon over the years has come to be your closest confidant. A good friend and coworker, you would never dream of hiding something like that from him.

“I suppose not.”

“Is that why you brought me back here, to question my relationship status?”

“Not entirely.” Namjoon shakes his head with a small dimpled smile and changes the subject. “I do actually want to get your help with one of my new acquisitions.” He points out an unusual tree on his work bench, much too big for the pot it’s currently situated in. It’s extensive roots spill out over the top and threaten to swallow the pot whole. “A Ficus microcarpa, far from the most sought after species when it comes to reputable bonsai, but I couldn’t pass this one up. It has such good character.”

“What made it grow in such a way?” You examine the plant and it’s container with care, prying between the roots and taking note of cracks starting to form in the terracotta.

“The last owner neglected it for far too long. It sat hidden in the back of a commercial greenhouse, still under the watering and fertilizing system, but since it was confined to such a small space it tried to root it’s way out. If I were to guess, it probably hasn’t seen a new pot for at least five years.”

“It’s a miracle it survived.” You nod impressed by the tree’s determination. “What’s your plan for it?”

“Give it what it wants, let it leach out. I doubt I would be able to pry it out entirely without causing significant damage to the roots that are gripping the sides, so instead I want to put another bellow to catch it and give it the fresh soil and room it needs.” Namjoon lays the tree and pot down on the table, and asks you to hold and support the trunk, while he taps and pokes at the bottom of the vessel with a metal trowel.  Enlarging the cracks, but not breaking the pot fully. It’s a tedious process. The small chunks of clay are removed piece by piece, giving him access to see and free some of the tightly bound roots inside.

While your coworker continues his task, your eyes are free to wonder. You check on Jungkook through the glass, as he kneels in front of the garden bed digging even faster than before.

Namjoon appears to notice your distracted state. “How's he doing?”

“Fine I guess.” You whisper. “He’s acting stranger than usual today though. He stole from my garden again. Invited himself over to my house, then here, and you saw what he did back there.”

“Huh...” Namjoon mutters, trailing off the same way he did on the phone.

“What is this ‘huh’ you keep giving me? You know I don’t like games Namjoon. If you have something you want to say, say it.”

“It’s about what you said earlier, how his caretaker leaves for extended periods of time. Usually if an animal is alone for too long they look for ways to stimulate themselves and resort to their natural instincts, scavenging and such. But he’s a hybrid and therefore part human, so if you were isolated and restricted to your house what would you do?”

“Probably look for the closest person I could find. So he’s acting out in my garden and teasing me, because he’s lonely?”

“I think so.” Namjoon responds as he extracts another root, freeing it from its confines.

“But why?” You ask, worried for the answer to come. “Why wouldn’t he just say something?”

“There could be a number of reasons. He might not understand what he’s doing on a conscious level, or he might be afraid to show any sign of weakness to you or anyone else. Jungkook is part prey animal, and humans are all too often predators.”

“If that’s the case...” You curse yourself for not realizing it sooner. The fury you held for him slowly fades away as you replay every encounter in your mind. He was literally jumping at the chance to spend time with you, to help you with your work, and you were to blind to see it. Your anger over your missing vegetables is so trivial in comparison to what he must have been going through. The loneliness he must have felt, and the inability to admit it, you can’t imagine how he suffered through it alone. “What can I do to help him? I have no legal claim to him Namjoon. What can I do within such limitations?”

He looks down at his work in progress. “The way I see it  you and he, like this small tree, have three options. You could maintain the status quo, leave him be, but how long will he be able to survive like he is? Creeping over the edge but grasping on to nothingness?”

You shake your head vehemently rejecting the idea while Namjoon continues.

“You could report his caretaker for neglect, breaking the container entirely, but that too could be very damaging to him, tearing him away entirely could put him in a state of shock, and in a home that is no better for him, while the legal battle is decided. Or...” Namjoon grabs another container, slightly wider than the one in which the plant is seated. Filling it with substrate he takes the tree clinging to it’s partial pot and places it on top. Pressing the newly freed roots down into the soil.

“You could support him, give him a better home just outside of his own where he can be himself and access what he needs. I personally think it’s your safest option for now.” Namjoon leads over inspecting the bonsai and lowers his voice to an almost inaudible whisper. “Until the day, when it is possible to fully cast the pot aside.”

You nod, though now left to grapple with what you could possibly have to offer the hybrid.  “I’m not sure I would be the best person to care for him.”

“I think Jungkook would disagree. He was already trying to scent you. That to me, implies his desire for something more in the realm of an intimate relationship.” You choke on your breath as Namjoon comes to an additional conclusion. Upon seeing your distress he makes a suggestion. “Of course you could keep it strictly to friendship between the two of you and I’m sure that will improve his situation, but his other needs will need to be met for him to feel completely at home...”

“His other needs? You think he wants to be with me? Intimately?! No! Surely he would have acted differently if that was his intent! He’s done nothing but tease me when he catches me even remotely looking in his direction.”

“So you have been looking at him!” Namjoon taunts you with a massive grin. Apologizing a second later when you proceed to glare at him. “But to answer your question, no, not necessarily. You have to remember most of society deems him a lesser being. He could be feeling a lot of guilt and pressure not to engage with you in that way. Though he might not outright say it, I bet his instincts will continue to shine through. I’ll even prove it to you.” Namjoon takes off a glove and rubs your head. “I bet this rabbit of yours will take less than a minute before he tries to replace the smell of my hand with his own again... trust me.”

You shake your head in disbelief. “I should probably get back to him.” You are just about to step away when your thoughts return to the long neglected plant. “Where do you plan to house that when you’re finished? Ficuses naturally belong in a more tropical location don’t they?”

“They do, especially if I want to give it a better chance. It’s going to need a place far more humid than this space.”

“Was this all your calculated way of guilting me to store it in my greenhouse too?”

“The thought might have crossed my mind.” Namjoon gives you a sly grin.  “But my logic is still sound in regards to Jungkook. He needs someone, he needs a better home... and it would seem he’s chosen you.”

...

You wander back to your greenhouse, still full of doubt. Finding Jungkook to have finished most of the required digging.

“Sorry for leaving you.”

“You-you okay?” He asks, upon seeing the dazed look on your face and then scowling in the direction that Namjoon led you.

“Fine, he just needed help with one of his plants. Sorry about earlier, I didn’t think you’d be affected by the scent of his hybrid, Taehyung is rather sweet though, you’d like him.”

“You trust him then?” Jungkook grumbles as he pierces his shovel into the ground. “You trust Namjoon and his hybrid?”

“Of course, why shouldn’t I?”

“Because it wasn’t just a tiger that I smelled. He’s been around a lot of hybrids. Every scent on him told me to run, all of them put there by dangerous predators.”

“Oh,” you shoot back in surprise. “I’m sure it’s nothing. Taehyung is rather popular, he has a lot of friends and Namjoon often caters them at his place. You don’t need to worry, you're safe here.”

“It’s not myself I’m worried about.”

Jungkook inches closer as you crouch to place the plants in the holes he dug. His nose twitches as he takes a deep breath, his eyes watching while you bury the root ball in the warm soil, firmly securing the trunk of the young tree.

While you are leaning down, Jungkook reaches across to the other side of you. Grabbing the trowel to your right despite the fact that the same tool can be found on his left. The bottom of his chin grazes the top of your head and lingers for a spell. Your heart stops in that moment while questioning his motives. Though Namjoon said he’d do just this, you still can’t be entirely sure that it proves him correct; Jungkook might just not have seen the other option available to him, and he’s never bothered about invading your space. This could be nothing, though there’s a small growing part of you that wants it more and more to be something.

“He’s a good guy,” you promise, returning to the conversation so as to not dwell on his actions. “He even suggested that I should bring you along more often, if you’re interested in spending some of your days here.”

“He did?”

You nod.  A small white lie, but not entirely incorrect, and if it gets him to accept Namjoon easier you’ll all be better for it. “I wouldn’t expect you to work, but you're more than welcome to just hang around. The staff here could always use some company and I’m sure it would beat staying at home alone all day.”

“I would like that. I would like that a lot, but would you want me to keep you company too?”

“If that’s what you want to do.”

“No, I need to know if that’s what you want.” He looks over to you pinning you down in his line of sight.  

“I suppose I would....” You answer and turn your head, unable to bear the nerves that his gaze brings. The both of you fall quiet. Knowing what you know now, being free of your anger for him leaves you vulnerable, open to his persuasion, and now you are no longer certain of how to act. So you start to rely on what has made him comfortable in the past, and interject with a new condition to bring an end to the awkward silence. “As long as you treat this garden better than mine back home.”

Jungkook lets out a long laugh. “I have nothing but the highest respect for your garden.”

...

When planting is finished your clothes are entirely saturated in sweat and your muscles aching from use. It’s hard to believe how much you’ve both done in such a short amount of time. While carting up the supplies, Jungkook’s eyes catch on something behind you. You look around spotting the newly potted bonsai on a back table. Namjoon must have dropped it off while you both were busy.

Looking at it now you can’t help but notice how even the shape of its leaves remind you of the hybrid’s ears, long, pointed, and reaching up to the sky. You consider your friend's words one more time and while Jungkook leans over to inspect the tree. Reaching out to his back, your hand shakes with hesitation before setting down on a spot just below his shoulder. He softens under your touch, a low hum leaving his lips. His attention turns from the plant to you. With your hand still in place, your arm is now wrapped around him, leaving only an inch between the two of you. You stand there fixed and unmoving, but content in the knowledge, that you seem to have left him speechless this time. His eyes darting away from yours, to your lips, your neck, and finally the hand you place upon his chest.  

Only to have the moment broken when you can hear and feel the rumble from his stomach. His nervous laugh follows as he reaches up to scratch behind his ear.

“Hungry?”

He nods in response, his eyes wide as he remains unusually silent.

“Come on, I’ll buy you dinner.” You offer as you turn him around to head to the car.

...

You both settle on a take out spot, and return home to wash up and eat.

After finishing your meal and tearing off your overalls, you both settle down on the hammock in your yard. With Jungkook’s legs long enough to touch the ground, he slowly rocks the seat back and forth.  He’s been near silent since that close moment together. He’s never had a problem with banter and flirtation, but now you’ve come to notice that any attention which can’t be passed off as a joke causes him to flounder.

Laying back in the hammock, both full and content, your eyes threaten to close after the long day as Jungkook continues to sit beside you. The sound of crickets lulling you to sleep. “Keep an eye out for that thief of mine will you?” You may not like games but if it makes him comfortable, and keeps him talking, you’ll continue to play this ruse with him.

“You trust me to keep watch without your supervision?”

“Are you suggesting I shouldn’t?”

“No, it’s just a lot more credit than you usually give me.”

“I think you’ve earned it.” You whisper as you finally drift off.

It feels like only a few minutes of rest before the sun sets and the air turns cool. Jungkook’s chin comes to rest on the top of your head like it did back in the greenhouse. He shifts his weight, burrowing his arms around and behind to cover you as he takes deep breaths. You lean into him seeking the warmth of his chest. No longer restricted by your childish anger to enjoy his company is a welcome relief, you only wish you could relinquish him of any of his own troubles and doubts.  And then, you feel it, a drop of cold rain hitting your neck. The hammock moves again as he adjusts, the back of his fingers running across the damp spot. Another finds your cheek and he wipes that away too, your skin shivering in response.

But when a speck lands your mouth he stops. You wait, a second, then two. Your anticipation grows with face heating up and your chest tightening as you continue to crave his touch. You want him to wipe it away, to touch you, to act on whatever desires he might be keeping. You part your lips with the desperate hope that he will take the hint. Rejoicing when the warm pad of his thumb spreads the drop across the delicate skin.

He comes down on to you, his mouth catching any and all remains of the droplet as he encases your lips. Jungkook places a hand on your neck while the other grabs the ropes of the hammock, his legs straddle your hips. The scattered rain turns to a downpour as he remains fixed to your mouth, even his form isn’t enough to shield you from the current washing down from the sky.

As your hands reach up to his own damp and curling locks entwining your fingers in the strands he moans and nips. But as quickly as it started, so too does it end. When Jungkook snaps up as though jolted from a dream. His ears point back as an apology flows from him. “I-I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Jungkook,” you call out to him but he ignores you as he tries to detangle himself. When one foot hits the ground. You grab his waist and try again. “Jungkook, you don’t have to be sorry.” But instead of stopping he merely pulls you off and along with him, sending you both to the muddy ground, but this time with you on top of him.

“Are you okay?” He asks the loud pouring of the rain forcing him to raise the volume of his voice.

You chuckle at his concern considering he’s the one flat on his back. “I think I should be asking you that question instead.” You pause as he mirrors your grin. “Why did you stop? Did I do something wrong?”

“No.” He looks up at you, his brow furrowing. “You did nothing wrong. It was me. I was the one acting on my instincts. I shouldn’t have done that when I know how much you hate me.”

“I don’t hate you...” You explain, trying your best not to be drowned out by the water cascading down. “The things you did might have annoyed me, but I get it now. I’m just sorry it took me so long to notice.”

“Notice what?”

“How fucked up your situation is. For not realizing how alone you must have been. How caged you must have felt. I’ve been so focused on my own little world that I didn’t realize what was happening or why you were acting the way you were. I like you, a lot, but I was too wrapped up in my frustration to say how I felt...”

“It’s not your fault.”

You shake your head. “I am not innocent in this. I should have been paying more attention.”

“Then pay attention to me now.” He begs with his round eyes shining up at you.  

“But in what way? As a neighbour, as a friend, or maybe something more?" Your voice cracks in desperation, trying to find his needs while also hoping they are the same as yours. “Is that why you were always teasing me the way you did? You wanted something more?”

“You really want to know?” Jungkook’s tone is low as it grips on to his every word. “I did it because it was the only thing that could distract me from my incessant need for you. Seeing your reactions and having your attention kept me in check. I’m very different from you and I’m aware it could cause a problem. I wasn’t sure if you could ever fully want me because of that.” He reaches to rub around the base of his ears. “But every day that I looked over I wanted to hold you, to claim you, to take you right here on this very spot. So often I dreamed of jumping the fence and coming for you instead of...”

You smile down at him, noting his near admission. “Instead of?”

“Instead of watching from a distance.” He smirks, catching and narrowly fixing his statement. Pleading guilty only to his longing for you.

“Then do it.” You demand of him.

He groans from his position beneath you. “Don’t tease me like that.”

“I’m not. You weren’t the only one peeking through the fence Jungkook.” Reaching up to your collar you tug off your shirt. He follows your lead with his own to reveal his sculpted chest he’s taunted you with so many times. “I don’t care if we’re different from each other. I don’t care if it causes a problem.” You shift back on his body traveling from your seat near his stomach down to his hips, his clothed dick firm and pressing against you. A moan escapes his lips, confirming that you’ve made your point. “There’s no one else nearby, so if you want me so much that you’re willing to fuck me out here, in the rain and mud-”  

His hands come to grip your waist, and in one swift motion, he lifts you off, maneuvering out from underneath, to fall into place behind you. From there he pushes you down to your hands and knees, his body bent over yours. “You have no idea how much I want to.” He whispers with a kiss to your bare shoulder damp from the rain that continues to pour.

He takes off your bra before his face moves down your back, nose trailing against your skin and pausing at your shorts. Unfastening the button he pulls them down, freeing you of your underwear too before they are both cast aside. “I want to smell you, and taste you.” Jungkook takes in a deep breath, wrapping an arm around your legs, and barring your thighs. He buries his face between your legs, his tongue reaching out to deliver a long lick to your folds pausing after every lap.

Your palms dig into the ground, the cool mud coming to the surface to meet them. You buck against his tongue but the forearm holding you remains firm, sending your squirming downward to bury your elbows in the soggy grass too.

Jungkook chuckles as you inadvertently give him a better angle. From behind you can hear the zipper of his own shorts. Rubbing the head of his cock against your damp folds, he covers it with the slick of your slit, and with a long groan he eases it inside. He’s slow at first, letting you savor the girth and warmth of him. So you start to edge back and forward on his cock. Taking the time to enjoy every inch, along with the sounds that leave him. But when he returns to take control, the first thrust is so powerful, his thighs hit your ass with a loud clap, and every jolt of his hips after, drives you further down each time.

A stuttering groan escapes him as he fills you. Thinking he’s finished you lean forwards and until his cock pulls out, but in response he grabs your waist. Turning you over, back to the ground on top of the discarded clothes and facing him.

He lowers himself pressing his chest against yours. His fingers reach to grab your chin and take a kiss. His cock, despite having come only moments before, is hard once more and poised to enter once again.

“How are you-” You manage to squeeze a few words in the gaps between his kisses as he draws breath. “Ready for more-” Another pass of his tongue. “Already?”

“You have my hybrid traits to thank for that.” He moves to nibble on the side of your throat. “I have more to give you, if you want it.”

You nod unable to emit any noise other than a gasp as his mouth finds a sensitive spot on your neck. His dick forges in again, your slick and his cum dripping out of you as he fills you with himself instead.

You’ve avoided touching him with your own hands as they are patched with mud, but as his thrusts grow more powerful than even before, you’re forced to grab on his arms and chest. Leaving behind streaks of dirt which display the path of your grip. Jungkook doesn’t seem to mind though, in fact looks rather encouraged by your touch, and the marks you leave him.

“What a dirty woman you are, and getting me all messy too.” He scoffs while admiring your handiwork. “Can I return the favour?”

“Help me come first and you can do whatever the fuck you want.” You gasp on the brink of your climax.  

His ears perk up and a grin streaks across his face. “Close are you?” He grabs your calf and wraps your leg around his back, the other follows suit and his hand comes to rest on your lower back pushing you up and into him effectively grinding your mount against him.

You gasp and flinch with the sudden pressure, but he holds you firm as your back arches to meet him.

His hips beat on at a rapid pace, a small whimper escapes him as you reach the peak, tipping you over the edge. The chilling rain can in no way can douse the searing heat that spreads through you. You're still gasping when his jaw clamps down hard, his teeth poised upon your skin. The first pulse of his cock comes inside, but on the second he pulls out to splatter your chest and stomach with the rest. His hand comes to clutch his shaft, spilling more out and on to you with each stroke.

After every remaining drop has been cast on you he smiles, dragging his fingers across the rain drenched mess of mud and cum on your skin. “Never thought I’d ever see you so thoroughly soiled.”

You giggle at his remarks through your deep breaths. “And now that you do, what do you think?”

“I think it suits you, the dirt, the rain, and me...” He lowers himself down onto you, with his head now resting upon your shoulder. “It’s too bad though. Now I just want more, but we’re both far too filthy to carry on like this.”  

You turn to whisper at the base of his ear. “Who says we can’t continue in the shower...”

...

You wake early the next morning with the sun spilling into the room, lighting up your bed, and the hybrid sleeping next to you. His ears and nose twitching as he continues to rest. Slipping out from the covers, and into a set of clean gardening clothes, you exit the room with as little sound as possible.

On the tile floor of your hall, muddy footprints trail from your backdoor to your bathroom.  A smile pulls at your lips as you recall the events which brought them there. Jungkook had been so excited to keep going he picked you up and rushed you inside.

The feeling from the warm water and hands in contrast to the cool rain was enough to bring back the waves of pleasure. He was so thorough in washing you down, you might have to ask him to join you for another this morning and repay the favour.  

Outside in the garden you find all your harvest from the day before present and untouched. You’re pleased by this new development, but it’s not the fact that your crops are intact which makes you happy, it’s the comfort in knowing that Jungkook didn’t feel the need to take them.

A few minutes later the hybrid in question comes up behind you wrapping his arms around your waist pulling with him a blanket he took from the bed to cover the both of you. “Morning.” He mumbles, as his nose finds the crook of your neck where he exhales with a deep and relaxed sigh.

“Morning.” You respond, enjoying the tickle of his breath before you turn around to better see him. “It seems the thief didn’t strike last night. ”

“I guess they found a new garden to plunder and devour?” Jungkook suggests, giving you a sly grin, before he opens his mouth again. It’s easy to see that he’s getting ready to confess, his face shifts to a stern expression as he looks down at the ground, the guilt weighing heavily upon his brow. Placing your index to his lips you stop him. No longer needing to hear those words of admission, you offer a new proposal instead.

“Maybe, but that was just one night. The thief might still come back. So if it’s alright with you I would like you to stay here. Until we can be sure they won’t return.”

Jungkook lets out a satisfied chuckle, pushing aside your finger and pulling you tighter into his warm embrace. “You’re right, I suppose it would be safer if I stayed.” His lips plant a kiss on the top of your head where he then rests his chin. “A temptation as enticing as this, shouldn’t be left alone and unattended.”

...

[celebritytgcaptions]

Requests (5/23/2021)

Hi lovelies! I’ve been getting so many requests & I’m working hard to get all of them in the queue. Thanks for sending them my way! I’m writing to let you know that the queue is now full until the end of June. I was able to get every requests from my May 8th post in there except for a few. Requests from May 8th for captions featuring Katy Perry, Jenna Fischer, Marisol Nichols, Addison Rae, Ariana Grande, Erin Kellyman, Taylor Swift, Billie Eilish, Jhene Aiko, & Kirstin Maldonado will be posted in early July.

But there have been an absolute ton of requests since then too, yay! So I’m listing all the requests that I haven’t gotten to below. If you made a request but don’t see it below that might be for a few reasons. 1) I’ve written it already and it will be posted in June. 2) It’s one of the requests I posted on May 8th so I won’t talk about it here. 3) I considered it a demand not a request (for example, I received two that said “Anything with,” that wasn’t really a request just telling me to do it. Sorry if this bothers some of you but it is an issue with me so make sure you word your requests AS requests). Either way, thanks for the love, lovelies! :D

Anonymous said:

Could you do one with either Kelley O’hara or Alex Morgan from the USWNT about a guy soccer player watching the US win the world cup and then want to be them or something like that?

I actually know who both those are (shockingly enough, I don’t really follow sports) so sure thing!

Anonymous said:

Could you do lorengrey captions? She’s so hot

Sorry sweetie, don’t know who that is. :(

Anonymous said:

Hi I just had an idea for a game you could do. It could be where someone has to say as a boy what they’re like physically in stages. So first stage is hair color for example, second stage could be height, third stage could be body type, etc. An example would be if I was a black hair, short height, thick body type, I would match up with someone like Nicki Minaj. Just an idea which you could extend on. Hopefully it makes sense. I appreciate you!

I actually have a game like this mapped out called “Build a Sissy” where you choose age, hair color, and bra size, but it would take a LOT of work to make so I haven’t written it yet. Maybe some day though. :)

Anonymous said:

I would love to see a Tori Kelly caption. Her hair and body are not typical but beautiful for a white girl. I say that last sentence respectfully. I think having a caption with her would be great

Sure thing! Tori Kelly is a cutie. :)

Anonymous said:

Ok I'm not sure if u'll know these 2 cuz even I had to look them up for the names but anne dudek and maitland ward theyre the 2 blonde sisters from white chicks not sure if uve seen it but if u can could u make a caption for them please?

I DO know who they are! I’ve been thinking about doing a White Chicks caps because there’s a lot of cute looks in that movie (especially for Busy Phillips who I just love) so sure thing!

Anonymous said:

Could u do Yvette nicole brown from community? Id like to see some big girl love

Sure thing!

Anonymous said:

I already know that this request is probably gonna be a No but I still have to ask whats the ruling on GCI enhanced celebrities like Taylor swift from Cats?  Or is that too much like "Furry" stuff. Now I'm Feeling this will be a No for multiple reasons

So it is not an issue with CGI “enhanced” celebrities but for Cats it is because I do not have a Furry fetish and I get uncomfortable thinking about writing caps for it. But I write caps with “manips” all the time (photoshopped images of celebs) so I’m not ruling out CGI enhanced celebs all together.

Anonymous said:

Can you do one of Lindsey stirling? And for the story can it be a guy trying to learn Violin but he cant seem to focus he even tried hot female teachers but it didnt work then he gets a male teacher than he starts focusing and wanting to please the teacher he becomes a sissy sorry its a long request

Sounds fun, sure thing!

Anonymous said:

Hi big fan and I think you’ve been doing amazing work. Is there anyway you could do a story about a guy who loses a bet to sorority girl and is forced to get his nails painted and turned into a girl? I love the idea of having a boys nails painted against his will. I’d love one with Selena Gomez but if you think another celeb would be better I leave that cumpletely to you.

Totally! This sounds fun. :D

Anonymous said:

Can you do thelma and Louise?

I’m assuming you mean Geena Davis & Susan Sarandon from Thelma & Louise so yes. Yes I can. :)

Anonymous said:

Can you do a caption from the movie bridesmaids? Like when theyre all trying on dressess or something?

I haven’t seen Bridesmaids (I know I know) but I can try something. :)

Anonymous said:

it would be super cool if you could do some more games! They’re my fav

Glad you like them! As long as I’m not on hiatus, games will be posted every second Saturday. I’ve already got two set for June. :)

Anonymous said:

Hey huge fan of your recent work and super excited about new caps!! Do you think you could do one about a college guy who drops out in pursuit of being a stand up comedian, but the comedy club needs a female comic so they turn him into a girl? I was thinking maybe Nikki Glaser, she so funny and sexy. Thanks can’t wait to see all your new stuff!!

Oooo, Nikki Glaser is great. Sure thing!

Anonymous said:

Can you make a caption about a guy who makes fun of curvy and thicc women, where the women get their revenge and turn the guy into Nia Jax?

You got it!

Anonymous said:

Hi Me again on the topic of the assembly line worker caption sequel if you do it i just an idea for the story like before depicting the sissies "first time"  but you can have it be that the coworker doesnt know and is telling everyone about the chick he slept with last night and the sissy is just thinking "if only they knew"idk i thought it was good anyways thank u again

So this message is in reference to a sequel caption that was requested & that I did write and will be posted in June. I’m sharing it here to let the anon know that I wrote the cap BEFORE I got this second request so there will be a followup but the story will be different. I hope that’s ok.

Anonymous said:

Hi idk if u watch wrestling or not I see u have some captions of wwe womens wrestlers but im not sure have far ur knowledge of it is? Could u do a caption of Rhea Ripley if u know her?

I have never seen a single episode of WWE, I do not watch wrestling, and yet somehow every time someone requests a wrestler I know who she is. Don’t ask me how because I do not know. Anyways, yeah I can do a Rhea Ripley one. :)

Anonymous said:

Could you do a caption about a janitor for sissy co. That finds out the strange goings on at work and tries to blow the whistle on the whole operation but is caught and turned into a sissy maid for the sissy co. Corporate office abit specific I know but ive been thinking on that awhile however u do it will be perfect thanks

You got it!

Anonymous said:

Could you do katheryn Hahn from wandavision specifically the 80s look with the Big hair and aerobics outfit

Oooo, sounds nice. I’ll type that up for sure. :)

Anonymous said:

Hi big fan of your caps!! Do you think you could do a cap where a football player wants to go to the NFL but gets hurt, so they turn him into a female commentator, maybe Lauren Rutledge? If you don’t know her, she’s been a college football reporter for awhile and was also a former Miss Florida. Anyways I just think any guy would be lucky to be turned into her and I love your caps keep up the great work!!

Me: *googles Lauren Rutledge to see if it’s who I’m thinking of* How do I know who this is? Anyways, yes I can write this. :)

...for some reason there are no GIFs of her though so I’m just gonna move on.

Anonymous said:

Hi I'm the one that requested the LONG list of celebs I'm still really sorry about that I didnt realize how many it actually was till I looked back so I wanna retract some for your sake tell ya what if you havent done any already just do the ones that are specifically marked (as in the ones detailed by movie or show theyre in) the ones that are just names you can leave out i knoe its still alot but hopefully that takes some weight off of ya sorry again

You don’t have to be sorry! Like I said, in the future I’d ask that folks limit requests to no more than 3 celebs at a time but you didn’t know that. I’d never said that before. I typed up every celebrity and they’re going to be sprinkled in during June. Hope you like them! :)

Anonymous said:

Hello ^^ I love your work. Can u make a caption with the name "jules" and Ariana Grande please? Thank you

Sure thing!

Anonymous said:

Hey, not really an ask, but something I needed to share

I'm the one that asked for the Stephanie Beatriz caption from a whole back, and I absolutely loved how it turned out. Each time you roll out a new caption is like a small thrill to me and I read them right as they're released.

Now this wouldn't be an ask if I wasn't asking something, right? Well, next month sees the release of the "In the Heights" movie, and there's an opportunity there to do a series of captions using stephanie Beatriz from that same movie.

In conclusion, I love your captions so much, you're amazing!

Awww, this is such a sweet message. Thank you! And YAAASSSSS! Ever since the first trailer for In the Heights dropped I was like, “I must write a caption with her in this!” So you can imagine how fun it’s been waiting this entire time. *eye twitches*. We’ll have to wait until the movie comes out for me to be sure I can find a good image but this IS a caption I want to write. :)

Anonymous said:

Hi I just recently came across your blog and fell in love with it!! The caption with the football player being turned into Bella Thorne is one of my favorites!! I’d love so much if you could do a sequel or something to that cap it was so amazing and I need to know what else happens to “her”. I’m not sure if this is possible or if you even do sequels but this cap was great and I look forward to all the others!!!

Glad you like it! I’m always looking for sequel captions to write on Throwback Thursday so you’ll get this for sure. :)

Anonymous said:

Hey big fan! Do you think you could do a caption where a short guy gets made fun of by all his girl friends for how short he is? Ariana Grande is fairly short and I think a caption of her (of age of course) would be awesome

You got it!

Anonymous said:

Can you do one with the bella twins as two guys who fought over the same girl then the girl turns them both into look alikes of her but then they start fighting over the same guy

Yep!

Anonymous said:

Do you know suzy berhow? Or angie Griffin? If so would love a caption of either of them please

Sorry sweetie, I don’t know who those are. :(

Anonymous said:

Would appreciate more Sia captions please when u get the chance

I will remember that. :)

Anonymous said:

Can make some Winnie Harlow caption please? I adore her style

Sorry lovely, I don’t know who that is. :(

Anonymous said:

How about instead of removing the captions with Demi in them ,the images of Demi were just replaced with another celeb and if Demi is mentioned by name in the caption then that could be edited  to mention a different celeb. I respect Demi's decision I do but lets not lose some well made captions. Also if you could please make a caption where Amy Adams feminises a fan and raises them as her daughter and Kristen Stewart makes you her submissive wife that would be appreciated. I'm a fan of them.

So about the Demi Lovato captions: I understand your feelings but I’m still going to delete the original captions. Because of how my captions are made I can’t just go back in & swap out an image or edit the text, I have to remake it from the ground up. I am hoping to do that with some (maybe all) of the Demi Lovato captions & re-publish them, but I’m still going to delete the originals.

I can do the Kristen Stewart one for sure and I’ll TRY to do the Amy Adams one I just am not 100% sure I can find a pic for that but we’ll see. :)

Anonymous said:

If it’s possible before your summer hiatus could you do a caption with Amanda Crew (silicon valley, sex drive)?

I will do one with Amanda Crew but I can’t commit to doing it before the hiatus.

About the hiatus: I don’t know when it’s going to be. I want to TRY to make it to at least July 18th because I have a specific game in mind I want to post for 5 years of Celebrity TG Captions games, but after that I have no idea. I’ve been writing caps for a longer stretch of time since normal since I’ve switched to a part-time blog so I might burn out at any second but for right now I’ve still got some juice.

[cellsshapedlikestars]

"Breathe" for Jonsa?

ok FINE, yes, this could have been written for the last prompt I did which was basically “shove Jonsa into other media” but whatever. I’m doing it again for this prompt. I have no shame.

So, in honor of the Bachelorette finale last night (possibly the greatest season of the Bachelorette of all time), I give you, Jonsa Bachelor AU.

xx

When Robb signs her up for The Bachelor, she nearly goes into an Arya-level rage blackout.

When she learns why he signed her up for The Bachelor, she actually does. She manages to throw a (poorly aimed) bagel at his head at Sunday breakfast, to Arya and Rickon's delight and her mother's horror, before she realizes what she's doing.

“If you love Jon Snow so much, why don't you apply to go on?” she screeches, she doesn't care that her voice is almost at a decibel only dogs can hear.

“I would, but The Bachelor is real regressive and they definitely don't allow men on and I don't know if Jon Snow even swings that way,” Robb says, hiding behind Jeyne (who gives him a glare and steps out of the way) and he has to add on, “and also I'm dating Jeyne, the love of my life.”

“Jon Snow might swing that way,” Arya says through a mouthful of bagel that Sansa thinks is actually the one she flung at Robb and why is Arya eating off the floor when they have a dozen more perfectly clean, non-floor bagels? “Do you remember those photos of him with that model guy? Satin what's-his-face?”

“None of this is helpful!” Sansa stomps her foot (no one can bring out her angry, petulant inner child quite like her siblings). “I am not going on that stupid show just because some football player Robb has a boner for is the Bachelor.”

“Stupid show?” Now it's Jeyne's turn to be offended, mouth open in a look of betrayal (and yes, fine, she and Jeyne are Bachelor buddies and she goes over Jeyne's apartment every Tuesday and they drink wine and watch the show and they even have a league going with some of their friends and coworkers but this is different).

In the end, it's Arya who convinces her to do it.

Her application had been approved (which is how she found out that Robb had signed her up in the first place) and she gets through the rounds of interviews, the whole time trying to remember Arya's points.

You broke up with Harry six months ago and haven't even tried to date again. It'll be like a vacation, you might get to travel to another country if you make it far enough. You can unwind from social media for a while. You might even be able to promote your Etsy store or something.

There's not a lot of time between the application approval and being whisked to a hotel and kept under lock and key, but there's enough for her to start a Google search on Jon Snow. Sure, she knows who he is, but she doesn't know him know him, you know? She knows he's on the Direwolves and she knows he's one of their star players, considering how much Robb (and everyone else in Winterfell) talks about him like he's some sort of god, here to bring the Direwolves back to their former glory.

But to be completely honest, Sansa has very little interest in football herself, never cared much for a bunch of dudes running around a field trying to kick a ball into a net. And they can't even use their hands? Seems dumb to her, their hands are right there.

She gets about thirty seconds into Googling Jon Snow before she starts to feel guilty, because once she's past his basic wiki page and his season stats, she starts to get to some stuff that she feels like she shouldn't be looking at, even if it's technically public knowledge. His season-ending injury, his very public downward spiral and drunken fight in a bar a few months after. His breakup with his ex, some punk singer named Ygritte who looks like she would stab you in the throat rather than talk to you and Sansa wonders how Jon is going to go from Miss Trash-a-Hotel-Room to the kind of women who end up on The Bachelor.

Women like Sansa.

Oh no, she's one of them now.

She closes the Google tab and tries not to think about Jon Snow at all.

.........

She has watched girl after girl get out of the limos and with each passing one, her anxiety only gets worse. There was a girl dressed like a wolf, a girl in a wedding gown, one that rode a unicycle, and even one that wore his jersey (and only his jersey and Sansa wonders if they're going to have to black box her, the jersey did not cover much).

And then the producer who is crouched on the floor of their limo is shooing her out the door and she swallows against her very dry throat and manages not to stumble on her exit. She smooths her dress down and doesn't know what to do with her hands as she walks up the drive to the huge mansion lit with a multitude of spotlights and the pavement is wet, did they hose it down? It definitely hadn't been raining earlier. Why is the walk so long? Why are there so many cameras? Why did she agree to do this?

To be completely honest, she's so caught up in not looking like an idiot that she hadn't even noticed the actual reason she's here until she's standing in front of him. She's seen pictures of Jon Snow before but she thinks they don't quite do him justice (or maybe it's that she's never seen one of him in a tux with his hair pulled back and his beard trimmed so short).

Ok, here's where she says something. She and her producer, Sam, had gone over her introduction line again and again. What was it? Something about being Northern, something about reminding him of home or some nonsense? They practiced this line, she's got it.

She opens her mouth but nothing comes out and she realizes in horror that her mind is absolutely blank. She is so aware of the cameras, the lights, this stranger she's standing in front of, the millions of people who will be watching this and judging her and laughing at what an idiot she is and-

“Hey,” his voice breaks her out of her thoughts and it's low and calm and he reaches out and grabs her shaking hands. “Breathe.”

She nods and lets out the breath she had been holding and he does an exaggerated deep inhale and exhale and she mirrors him and they do it a few more times until her head has cleared a bit and her hands are no longer threatening to vibrate off her body.

“Hi,” she says and tries to smile and she hates the way her voice wavers.

“Hi,” he says back and the corner of his mouth tilts up and he's still holding her hands and she thinks she should pull them away but she honestly doesn't mind.

“I'm nervous,” she breathes, like that isn't the most obvious thing on the planet.

“Yeah,” he huffs out a small laugh. “Me too.”

She has to remind herself that he's a famous football player and the Bachelor and he's probably not nervous at all and just trying to make her feel better, but he sounds so sincere.

His thumbs are rubbing the back of her hands and she doesn't think he even realizes he's doing it and neither of them are saying anything and she knows she should be saying her line but for the life of her she can't remember it and instead they're both just standing here in silence holding hands.

Then there's some producer gesturing wildly from behind one of the cameras and she realizes at the same time Jon does that this has gone on too long and so she says “guess I should go in?”

“Seems to be the popular thing to do,” he nods and she lets out what has to be the most embarrassing giggle she's ever produced. Why is she like this?

He finally lets go of her hands and she nods and steps back and she's a few steps away when he calls out “hey,” and she turns and he says “remember to breathe.”

Breathe. She can do that.

It isn't until she's inside and sitting on one of the uncomfortable couches with a glass of champagne in her hand that she realizes she never even told him her name.

So not only did she make an absolute fool out of herself, but he also has no idea what her name is and now she's definitely going to be one of those girls who gets sent home night one

It doesn't matter, she tries to tell herself, and she wonders why she feels so awful. Who cares if she gets sent home night one? Maybe they'll barely even show her and she can get out of this with little to no notice from the general population. And then she can go home and tell Robb and Arya well, I gave it a shot, didn't I? and she can go back to living her life and she never has to think about Jon Snow or his earnest grey eyes or his pretty mouth or his steady hands or his deep voice ever again.

She's going home tonight and she's totally fine with it.

Totally.

[glenncoco4]

Requested by @toalmala. Hope this is what you were wanting!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Deboarding now.

I’m at the luggage carousel. See you soon!

It’s about 20 minutes later before Kensi catches a glimpse of her red headed friend whom she hasn’t seen in about 7 months now. She has to hold back a small gasp when her former coworker pulls her jacket away from her body revealing something that wasn’t there when she left.

Nell smiles and sees the clear shock written on her friends face. She had the same reaction too when she saw that tiny positive sign on the white stick. “Kens.”

The brunette shakes herself out of her trance and closes the distance between them wrapping her arms around Nell well as much as her protruding belly will allow. “I missed you.”

“I missed you, too.”

“Now I know why you wanted me to pick you up and not Eric.”

“Yeah. I just-I knew it would be awkward.”

“So you gonna tell me how...” The agent gestures her hand up and down the former analyst’s body. “this happened?”

“The way you Deeks were going at it everyday before I left, I’m pretty sure you know how-“ Dammit Nell stick your foot in your mouth why don’t you? “Oh, Kens, I’m so sorry.”

“What do you have to be sorry for? Do you have to be somewhere?”

“No, would you wanna get lunch or did you have plans?”

Kensi looks at her watch checking the time and calculates how much time she has to spare. “I don’t have to meet Deeks until 4 so I have time for lunch.”

“Great!” She sends her a smile excited that she’ll finally have time to catch up with one of her dearest friends even if it’s only for an hour or two.

XXXX

The waitress leaves with their order and Kensi can barely hold back any longer before she’s bursting at the seams with curiosity. “So?”

“So what?”

“Nell.”

“Okay, I’m pregnant.”

“No, I just thought you had a very large breakfast.”

Nell tries to bite back her smile but it’s pretty much impossible. “You know every time I talk to you you sound more and more like your husband.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.”

Knowing that she’s going to have to spill the beans sooner or later she’d rather Kensi be the first to know. “I met him in Uganda. He was a volunteer at the next camp over. We met when the leaders decided to combine the two camps and hit it off right away. One thing led to another and five months later here I am.”

Kensi beams at the happiness that is clearly radiating off her friend but then she freezes. “Wait, he didn’t dump you did he because if he did I will hunt him down and shoot him in the ass.”

The red head can’t help but laugh, she really did miss this woman. “Man I really missed you. And no he didn’t leave me, he had to stay back and get the next volunteers situated. He’ll be here next week. It’s just so weird. Having someone grow inside you.”

The brunette gives her a soft smile. “Yeah. I can imagine.”

Apparently all Nell can do today is stick her foot in her mouth. She’s known that her friends have been trying to have a baby for a long time now and Kensi struggles with it a great deal not that she lets anyone but Deeks see it but a woman knows and now here she is just flaunting it in front of her, rubbing it in her face. “Kensi.”

She moves the piece of fish around her plate with her fork afraid that if she looks up Nell will see right through her. “Hm?”

“Are you guys still...you know trying?”

“We’re trying but it’s no use.” Her eyes stay focused on her food as she wills herself not to let the tears that are springing in her eyes fall.

“Don’t say that.”

“It’s true.”

“Come on, where’s the stubborn Kensi Deeks formerly Blye that I once knew?”

The brunette shrugs as if she finally been defeated.

“Come on, Kensi, what’s up? Are you and Deeks okay?”

“I guess.”

“Okay, now you’re scaring me because I know you love that man more than anything else in the world and you’re acting weird and I never see him when we FaceTime.”

“There’s a reason for that.” She finally looks up meeting two hazel eyes with an unreadable expression on her face.

Nell’s eyes for wide with worry at where her mind immediately went. “Wait, you’re not...you two aren’t-“

Kensi brow furrows and then it dawns on her how her actions and demeanor could be perceived. “Oh, no. God no, Nell! Deeks and I are great, we’re more than great actually.”

“What do you mean more than great?”

“Well we haven’t had the chance to tell anyone else yet but seeing as though you’re in the same situation I’m sure my partner wouldn’t mind.”

“Wait, a damn minute.” Nell squints her eyes as if she’s trying to read her friend’s mind. The glowing skin, the loose fitting clothes, she and Deeks are more than great. Well I’ll be damn. “Kens, you’re pregnant aren’t you.”

“Maybe just a little.” A shy smile spreads to the agents face when she finally confirms her news.

“I’m so happy for you!! God, this is the best news ever! How far along are you?”

“Actually I’m five months as well.”

“Bitch.”

Kensi’s mid drink when she hears the word leave the red head’s lips making her choke back her water. “What?”

“Sorry, it’s just I look like I ate a basketball and you well you look gorgeous as usual.”

“Nell, don’t say that.”

“That you look gorgeous?”

“No, obviously I’m gorgeous, I mean look at me. But you look gorgeous too. You always do.”

“Wow, now you really do sound like Deeks. Big ego much?”

Kensi shrugs. Her face lighting up at the meet mention of his name. “What can I say when the man you love more than anything else in the world tells you that everyday you start to believe it.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean.”

“Speaking of which, I better be the first to meet this mysterious baby daddy of yours.”

“Don’t worry you will be and actually it’s baby daddy and fiancé.”

Kensi gapes at the ring she hadn’t noticed before displayed in her former colleague’s finger. “Holy shit!”

“My thoughts exactly.” Nell takes a sip of her tea a takes a deep breath. Yeah, whirlwind is a bit of an understatement.

[vagrantblvrd]

Watching the Rimmy Tim GTA Garage Tour video and omg.

Spoilers under the cut because reasons, but talk of AUs and ridiculousness also because reasons.

(In hindsight, the spoilers are like. A smidgen of this post/AU, but yes.)

I’m just.

That One AU with Jeremy who comes from a wealthy family but there’s, idk, Issues or some such associated with it that has him join the military as soon as he can?

His mom passed away when he was a kid - barely remembers her, really - and his dad threw himself into his work and Jeremy’s childhood wasn’t the greatest, you know?

Decides to go by his mother’s maiden name or something because his father’s name is so well known and he’s trying to get by on his own merits and such?

(Prove to himself he can after the last Big Argument with his dad over taking over the family business and having all his doubts and insecurities thrown into his face because born with a silver spoon in his mouth and he’s always wanted to be “norrmal” whatever that is, so. Yeah.)

Goes into the military and takes to it like nothing else. Gets thrown into a special forces group where he meets Ryan and the whole Battle Buddies thing happens, right?

Couple of idiots who don’t get along at first because Ryan’s been in spec ops for a while and he’s maybe a little jaded about rookies like Jeremy (even though Jeremy’s not shiny new at the time, but yeah).

Some rough spots until there’s a mission or something happening on their downtime/at HQ wherein they learn to look at one another in a different light?

Ryan thinking Jeremy’s a by the book kind of guy because hey, pretty new to things and he’s great at the “Yes, sir,” and “No, sir” and “Understood, sir,” shit and doesn’t yet realize what a little bastard he can be?

But yeah.

That mission where things go to shit really early on and Jeremy gets tired of playing the good little soldier - their usual handler replaced for the mission by some asshole from an letter agency who clearly doesn’t give a fuck about them, and just.

“Oh, shit,” Jeremy says, plucking his earpiece out and dropping it in the mud. “Fuck.”

Ryan watches as Jeremy brings his foot down on the earpiece, grinds it into the mud where he won’t have to listen to the weasel’s voice anymore and maybe get some shit done with minimal casualties.

Jeremy slides a look at Ryan who’s got his own earpiece in hand about to toss it into the jungle somewhere. (Always a jungle setting because anywhere ese is just not Cool Enough I guess?)

Ryan shrugs, feels his mouth twitch into a smirk because hey, maybe this Dooley asshole isn’t all bad after all?

And then the two of them go on to wreak havoc like whoah and fuck up the baddies to rescue the innocent civilians or whatever that got caught up in all this. (Ones the letter agency asshole told them were acceptable losses and to set the charges that would bring the building they’re being held in down and just. Yeah.)

Everything after that is just overall terrible for Jeremy and Ryan’s regular handler and superiors as they get along like a house on fire and things explode everywhere all the time.

After a while Jeremy feels guilty about not telling Ryan who he really is although he’s 99.9% sure Ryan’s figured it out by then? (Ryan’s kind of an idiot, but he’s not dumb, so.)

Talks himself up into Confessing to Ryan (the fact he’s in love with the asshole is a major motivation for it) but then they get that shitty mission that leaves Jeremy thinking Ryan’s dead.

Wakes up in a little clinic in a little country somewhere. No ID because the kind of mission the government would have to disavow and all that and anyway, anyway, better this way?

Problem is, okay, problem is the government thinks he’s dead too?

Helpful as he unravels the conspiracy that nearly got him killed and sure as fuck killed Ryan and also, okay, because I’m terrible like that, has Jeremy drawing on all the contacts and resources he’s made over the years in spec ops.

More than a few are ones he met through Ryan, and all of them are super fucking delighted to lend a hand when Jeremy tells them what he’s doing, you know?

Getting revenge on the assholes who killed Ryan and tried to kill Jeremy and anyway, okay. They’ve got a lot of friends out there.

Once Jeremy uncovers the conspiracy/baddies he has the choice of going back into hiding or taking his life back?

And at first he thinks it won’t be that hard of a decision because his old life was never something he wanted?

But his supposed death changed his father or made him realize how he’d been pushing Jeremy away and there’s this.

Jeremy’s old superiors give him this phone while giving him time to make his decision. (Figure he’s earned it, and they’ll make sure whatever he chooses he won’t get trouble from them and all that?)

And there’s voicemail messages he doesn’t intend to listen to, doesn’t want to know what they are because he’s definitely made up his mind about going into hiding/creating a new identity for himself?

But there’s a night in his motel room, shitty little thing close to a highway and the kind fo place he’s been staying in for the last however long it took him to get the assholes behind the conspiracy that fucked his life up beyond repair?

This night where everything that happened, everything he lost, hits him hard and he’s sitting on the edge of the bed with this stupid phone in his hand, you know?

Unremarkable flipphone deal, burner phone written all over it and it shouldn’t even be a problem to toss it in the trash and disappear, start a new life, but.

Jeremy listens to the messages on it.

A few from former friends and coworkers wishing him well and the like? But also a few from his dad.

He almost, almost deletes those messages right off the bat, but something makes him sit through them and he’s glad he did, you know, because, okay, because.

It’s clear some of the messages were left before The Mission, his dad all stiff and awkward checking in on his son? Doesn’t get why Jeremy left to join the military and there’s disapproval and condescencion galore in them, but after the first few messages the tone changes significantly.

Start just after The Mission, his dad angry at first like he thinks Jeremy’s put his superiors up to pranking him with a dead son (Jesus fuck) and the other stages of grief?

A few where he’s obviously accepted Jeremy’s death and is telling him the things he wished he had the chance to before he died. Has a whole change of heart and apologizes - he was tough on Jeremy because he wanted to prepare him for th world and all that bullshit? Did everything he did out of misguided love and apologizes and Jeremy, okay.

Never got to know his mom, but he’s got this chance to get to know his dad so he decides to reclaim his old life.

No interest in staying in the military after everything that happened, and they’re grateful enough for all he did he gets a dishonorable discharge and all that.

Goes back home and gets to know his dad, thinks about taking over the family business even though he’s not 100% sold on the idea just yet.

Which is good, because his dad isn’t pushing him to do it even if he wants Jeremy to?

Is trying real hard to let Jeremy make his own decisions and suchlike. (Has someone in line to take over some day, bright kid from the midwest and a degree in aerospace engineering. Which. Kind of not the right degree for this, but his dad doesn’t seem overly bothered and anyway, anyway, Jeremy likes Trevor pretty much from the start, so it’s all good.)

ANYWAY.

Jeremy doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life at the moment, pretty much content to let it come to him in time.

He’s got his own money - trust funds and/or the whatnot his mom set up and investments here and there, not to mention his time in the militray - so he’s covered on the financial front.

Gets a decent place of his own and starts working on figuring out who he is outside of the military and all that? (Tries not to think about shit like that he talked to Ryan about for hours, the things Ryan promised to show him/introduce him to One Day not knowing it would never come and all that, because Delicious Angst.)

Is finally starting to make good headway on figuring his shit out when his dad - who, by the way, Jeremy’s building a good relationship with - gets into trouble.

Finds out one of his trusted people in the company’s been making shady deals and the whatnot on the side for a while now. Profiting off other people’s suffering and keeping it secret until there’s a lip up. Discrephancy or soemthing Jeremy’s dad notices, looks into.

And then things go to hell again, because it gets Jeremy’s dad killed, you know?

Supposed accident - plane crash or something while he’s touring a facility and the press talking about it for weeks/months/however long, because.

Jeremy’s dad and the multi-billion dollar company their fmaily built up from nothing over several generations and just.

Yeah.

At first even Jeremy thinks it was an accident, but then he gets these phone calls and messages and realizes it totally wasn’t.

That someone killed him because he knew to too much and he’s like, fucking Christ, not this again?

But yeah, this again.

Can’t quite disappear to investigate on his own with how high-profile everything is and all that?

SO.

(This is where things take a turn for the are you fucking kidding me??? with my Plot Reasons, so bear with me???)

Jeremy goes vigilante.

Totally Batmans the shit out of things.

Digs into the money he had under his previous fake identity that he never told anyone about because who knew if he’d need it again, you know? (Don’t bother asking where he got that money because you don’t want to know? Also. A fair amount of his contacts/resources have warrants out for their arrest, so yes.)

Uses it to fund everything, and maybe puts some of his real identity money into things when his fake identity money isn’t enough, which.

Good idea?

But has the unintended result of drawing the attention of Trevor, who’s got his hands full handling the business side of things since Jeremy’s father died.

Has feelers everywhere (and a very, very good hacker in an old buddy of his) and confronts Jeremy about it.

Not sure what’s going on - thinks maybe Jeremy had something to do with his father’s death because rocky relationship ~conveniently mended not too long before his father’s death?

So, yeah.

Thinks Jeremy’s a murdered or at least capable of arranging a murder, and Jeremy’s like !!! and ??? and “What the actual fuck are you talking about, Trevor?”

And that’s how Trevor basically becomes Jeremy’s Lucius Fox???

The two of them working together to figure out what the everloving fuck happened.

Realize it’s something big, fucking huge. (Possibly connected to The Mission and the baddies responsible for it, although they’re not sure how at the moment.)

Trevor taking a specific interest in the R&D department to create gadgets/vehicles for Jeremy’s use in this private little war of his.

Matt taking on the side-gig of being Jeremy’s Oracle-ish person.

And Jeremy taking up the job his father wanted him to because it makes him a nice, shiny target, doesn’t it?

Feigns stupidity because actually great tactic? And also allows the conpirators to underestimate him to the point they expose themselves and just.

Yes.

ANYWAY.

In all this - Jeremy Bruce Wayne-ing/Batman-ing his way through things he meets this reporter type.

British bastard who’s recently moved to the states and not at all intimidated by the Dooley name and just.

All these dinner parties and Events, comments and the like over a flute of champagne on a balcony while the elites mingle inside and all that?

Feeling one another out because Gavin is totally looking into the same conspiracy that got Jeremy’s father killed (and possibly Ryan?) for his own reasons and just.

You know the careful back and forth that goes along with all that, right? The sly looks and double-speak and Intrigue that slowly gives way to mutual respect and even this friendly verbal sparring.

And then, okay, and then.

Gavin’s asked to do a piece on Jeremy for the paper/whatver news outlet he works for. More of a puff piece than anything - his last article whatever got him in big trouble because it was too critical of powerful figures in the city. (The piece on Jeremy is either a bid to keep Gavin out of trouble until things calm down or punisment, but yes.)

Jeremy’s gotten a reputation for having A Thing for fast cars (and bikes and planes and so on) and he takes Gavin on a tour of some of them.

The one thing Jeremy really spent his money on before things went to hell and his father died, and since he’s Bruce Wayne-ing the fuck out of thing he’s gone a little overboard.

Has this entire fleet of vehicles he’s given ridiculous names to  - and okay. Most of them didn’t have names until he and Gavin were walking through the garage and Jeremy was capitvated by Gavin’s laugh and honest joy at the ridculous names he had given some of them that he just made the rest up on the fly.

At which point Jeremy realizes he’s kind fo fucked because oh shit, he’s got FEELINGS for Gavin???

Has a little freakout over that because the whole Ryan thing and when did he stop thinking about him? (Guilt like whoah and thinking he’s betraying his memory even though rationally he knows Ryan would want him to move on, and anyway, anyway, Ryan never liked him liked him, so. Yes.)

Still.

He keeps freaking out until Trevor and Matt notice and have A Talk with Jeremy, get him to get his head out of his ass and realize that while his life is a shitshow - honestly, only so much Tragic Backstory one guy can have, you know? - he still deserves to be happy.

And then, okay.

Just as Jeremy realizes they have a point and he’s going to Do Something about his FEELINGS he runs into this little shit while out Batman-ing.

Thief, because of course, and breaking into the Dooley business tower for Secrets and there’s.

Fighting with the acrobatics and flexibility and Major Flirting. Rooftop chases and all that with Jeremy being like (oh no, he’s hot) because reasons, okay?

And then!

Just as he’s about to catch the thief the bastard hits him with a superhero/supervillain tazer-ish gadget. Enough to knock the wind out of him, have him drop like a ragdoll while the thief crouches beside him, something like concern (oddly familiar?) on the bit of their face he can see as they make sure he’s okay.

Little smirk when he catches Jeremy’s scowl aimed at them and a, “Next time, hmm?” before they make their getaway while Jeremy watches helplessly.

And, okay.

I think we all know Gavin’s the thief, right?

Only not so much thieving at the moment as he’s been hired by another party to do some digging into the Dooley business files because Plot Reasons.

Something Jeremy, Trevor, and Matt figure out after several weeks/months/however long of running into the bastard (Jeremy not realizing it’s Gavin all that time because of course) and such.

Jeremy fail!flirting with reporter!Gavin and the two of them kind of sort of dating? (Certainly end up in the tabloids with all this speculation surrounding them and such.)

And then, okay, and then.

Some situation where Jeremy catches Gavin in the act of Thieving at a Dooley business (it really needs a name, huh?) and thinking he’s finally caught the little bastard?

But then the real baddies, or rather some goons hired by the real baddies show up and the two of them reluctantly teaming up, because of course.

(All this time the two of them have been butting heads they’ve formed mutual respect for one another and such. Know they’re not the actual baddies of this plotline but can’t fucking get their shit together to team up on exposing the main conspiracy together because Plot Reasons???)

Anyway.

They team up and manage to beat the baddies, but Jeremy’s got a bullet in him and the cops are coming and they think Jeremy’s just as bad as the acutal baddies and it’s a mess, okay? Huge fucking mess.

Gavin dithers for a bit before he decides the hell with it and drags a Jeremy to his base of operations or whatever. Jeremy tries to protest because hey, what if this is a ploy to unmask him/kill him and Gavin ignoring him because good God, idiot, no.

They end up in a pretty involved lair - totally a lair - that’s clearly been in operation for a while now. (Years, maybe.)

Gavin sitting Jeremy down and telling him to stay put for God’s sake as he bustles off to get a medical kit to patch Jeremy up.

Fusses over him, Jeremy watching quietly because look, okay, look.

He’s known for a while who this thief must be, but he’s just.

Jeremy’s a fucking spectacular liar, you know. Best there ever was, and he’s gotten fucking great at lying to himself over the years.

So yeah.

He’s known Gavin’s the thief for a while now, just didn’t think about it. (Because then he’d have to face the truth and his life has been enough of a fucking roller-coaster without that revelation.)

And Gavin, alright.

Knows just as well the idiot he’s patching up is the same damn bastard he’s maybe a little in love with. idiot with his name on the side of a building and target painted on his chest and just.

They know.

But!

Before either of them can admit any of that, the asshole who hired Gavin to do the Thieving for him shows up.

Fucker Jeremy’s had the misfortune of running into a few times over the last however long he started Batman-ing around.

Stupid skull mask and all those goddamned knives and of course, of fucking course Gavin would not only be the thief he’s been trying to catch for forever, he’s also working for the goddamned Vagabond.

And, like.

Ryan (totally not dead, but don’t tell Jeremy that just yet) also ended up in a little clinic after The Mission.

Thought Jeremy was dead and decided to get revenge for him (them), but while Jeremy did the whole vigilante/Batman deal? Ryan went a little darker, got his hands dirtier.

Ended up picking up a mask and reputation the likes of which has hardened criminals looking over their shoulders.

Took an unplanned detour or two looking for the truth behind everything, and just as he thought he had everything figured out Jeremy resurfaced and brought it all tumbling down.

And then like.

Disbelief and anger and all that at finding out Jeremy was alive? (And guilt, for not looking for him hard enough, thinking he’d die that easily, who knows.)

Wanders about aimlessly after that for a while as Jeremy’s putting his life back together. Ryan did some shit he doesn’t think even Jeremy would forgive him for, and anyway, anyway, it’s better like this, you know? Not like Jeremy ever like-liked him, and other bullshit reasons.

Just when he’s about to set himself up for a life as a miserable bastard he runs into this little thief.

Has zero (0) plans to get to know the little bastard, but Gavin’s curious and persistent and before Ryan knows it Gavin’s carved a spot for himself in Ryan’s life.

Also, to his horror, Ryan’s gone and got FEELINGS for the idiot.

Mutual Pining, because of course?

idiots being idiots, and Gavin dragging Ryan out of that pit he’s tossed himself into bit by bit. And just when it seems like maybe Ryan can find some peace of mind?

The whole Thing of Jeremy’s father’s death and Ryan still having FEELINGS for Jeremy that make him want to find out what the fuck’s going on with that. (Because FEELINGS, but also they get wind of some terrible rumors surrounding the whole business, and also people wanting Jeremy out of the way, and just. Yeah.)

Still.

Ryan’s too dumb to know Gavin would help him out in a hearbeat if he asked like a normal human being because friends? So he goes and fucking hires Gavin, and then the thing with Jeremy’s Batman-ing and various things that end with the whole Jeremy being shot and Dramatic Reveal and yes.

Suspicion and paranoia (~broken trust that’s just them being dumb, but with good reason) and Delicious Angst and Drama as the three of them try to work together to find out what the fuck is going on.

Also?

Mutual pining like whoah because of course Jeremy and Ryan are still in love with one another after all this time? But now they’re also in love with Gavin and Gavin’s in love with them and they’re all super fucking dumb about it.

Trevor and Matt figure out the whole complicated ~love triangle (it really isn’t that, though, like wow, no) almost immediately and are just like jfc, why all the time the three of them are painfully oblivious about things?

Lots of fights with the baddies and minor injuries that allow Jeremy, Ryan, and Gavin to fuss over one another and have quite confession times about shit.

(Jeremy telling Ryan he wanted to tell him who he was before The Mission. Ryan wanting to ~reveal he was still alive to Jeremy but being afraid what might happen if he did because emotional constipation? Jeremy and Gavin and the whole situation they’ve been dealing with since they met, because omg, idiots. And then, like. Ryan and Gavin and this whole Thing neither of them have face up to between them that’s been brewing for forever. AND. The three of them being really fucking stupid about things.)

And then!

Final Confrontation in which they finally uproot the conspiracy/baddies responsible for The Mission and Jeremy’s father’s dead and this ??? moment where they’re not sure what’s going to happen now that everything’s dealt with?

Like.

Gavin’s still a thief and Ryan’s done some things (he thinks) Jeremy would never forgive him for and fuck knows what’s going on with Jeremy and his Batman-ing now.

Ryan and Gavin are about to take off - better that away and obviously Jeremy doesn’t have FEELINGS for them - when Trevor and Matt have ahd enough and engineer a situation where the three of them have no choice but to figure their shit out.

Lock them in a room/wherever together and refuse to let them out until they fucking talk to one another or something simlar and then it’s just.

Jesus Christ it’s awkward. And painful. And honestly kind of horrible, but they do the Talking and realize holy shit, they do have FEELINGS for one another and realize they could maybe actually do something good about it if they fucking tried, so.

Yes.

The three of them getting their shit together and  Jeremy continuing to Batman.

Ryan and Gavin sticking around, although now they’re working (mostly, although there are times they Thief when it comes to pretty shinies or just a unique challenge rather than for crime’s sake. (But that’s actually okay, because it means cat and mouse games with Jeremy in which outrageous cheating methods such as kissing Jeremy stupid are employed or vice versa and just. Yes.)

Jeremy takes a twisted sort of delight in confusing the fuck out the tabloids because he’s seen out and about with Gavin or Ryan. It’s assumed he’s shamelessly cheating on one with the other? But then the three of them are caught on what’s clearly a romantic night out or whatever and is the Dooley heir in a poly relationship or just that shameless???

And so on.

But really, it’s the three of them being complete assholes who are totally ~in love with one another taking perverse joy in tormenting the tabloids and all that.

:D????

[batfamily--headcanons]

Life Update

So, it's been a while since I've posted on here (despite having plenty of ideas and half written headcanons/fanfics in my drafts) and I figured I'd fill everyone in on the exciting (not) goings on in my life. I've been home from work for the past two and a half weeks with a case of chronic laryngitis due to damaging my vocal chords at work.

How did this happen, you ask? Well, it all started when my favourite coworker and best source of folksy small town wisdom quit rather unexpectedly. When she quit, the people on our board of directors (not my direct manager who is actually amazing and super cool) decided to cheap out and not hire anyone in her place.

Normally, that wouldn't have been a problem since last summer, we had a staff of 12. This summer there were three of us plus our manager who worked on the floor with us. So yeah, things got crazy without her. I work in tourism and give tours to people that are essentially me talking non-stop for an hour. Before she quit, I was doing 2-3 a day. After she quit, they decided for some reason to only have one person doing all of the days tours (before it was 3 of us on the weekends and two during the week).

I was now doing 5 tours a day, that's five hours of talking non-stop and almost yelling to be heard through my mask and over the loud air conditioning (not that I'm complaining about masks because they are so so so important and that hasn't been an issue until I was doing the work of three people at once). After only a week and a half of this (plus talking to my coworkers between tours and coming home and talking to my family, you know as most people do), I had to go to the emergency room due to extreme pain and trouble speaking.

I was diagnosed with laryngitis and told to go home and take a week off to rest my voice. At home, my talking was limited to maybe two hours total (compared to probably 8ish before) for the whole day and was told that was fine. I've now been out of work for two and a half weeks and I still have symptoms. I'm supposed to go back to the doctor again tomorrow and I have a feeling I'll be off for the next week too.

The first few days I was off, they actually had to close down my work because my other coworker was out sick. That's what you get when you willingly keep your business understaffed when there are plenty of people (especially now) who would have loved to take that job. Near the end of that week, I got an email from my manager's boss saying she had been fired despite the fact that not hiring someone else was her call and not my manager's.

I'm getting in touch with my family doctor to see a specialist to see the extent of the damage just to be safe (I'm Canadian so don't worry, it's not going to cost me my immortal soul to do this or for all of my previous trips to the hospital). But yeah, a week and a half of being overworked and underappreciated was all it took to basically put me out of commission. That's what I've been dealing with anyway so it's been not so fun.

The pain is a bit better than what it was originally, but I'm not even close to recovered now. They've now bought everyone microphones (I have a sneaking suspicion that my other co-worker that was out sick, had laryngitis) and hired some new people to help with the tours, but too little too late. My vocal chords might be seriously/permanently damaged because of their lack of care and it sucks.

It sucks because I really did love the work I did. Making sure people had a memorable/enjoyable vacation, giving them a story they could tell their friends and family for years to come, I love that stuff. When tour guides/retail workers have done that for me, I always remember it and treasure it so being able to do that for others meant a lot. Still, with all the behind the scenes stuff and unprofessional behaviour, I don't think I want to return next summer. My former manager was the one who fought her bosses and made masks 100% mandatory for staff and guests and fought for our health and safety and the fact that the people in charge fought against that (and everything mentioned above) has made me lose faith in them.

Anyway, since I'll be home for who knows how long and university doesn't start for a few weeks, send me some asks/prompts/submissions and I'll be sure to answer them. It will give me something to do while I sit around in silence. Also, send me some tv show/movie recommendations if you have any please, I am desperate for something new to watch (I've already done a full Jane the Virgin and Gilmore Girls rewatch).

-Reece

[snidgetsafan]

A Dog by Any Other Name

Rating: T for swearing

Length: 3.2k

Summary:  After her boyfriend finds himself arrested, Emma Swan is left with a broken heart, a trashed apartment... and her ex's dog. While she agrees to keep the dog, she draws the line at calling him such a ridiculous name. Killian Jones, her hot British neighbor, wholeheartedly agrees.

On AO3

Notes: Here is my contribution to @cspupstravaganza​! Thank you to @profdanglaisstuff​ and @kmomof4​ for organizing this event, and thank you to the lovely ladies on the discord for making this event so much fun! 

Thank you as always to @shireness-says​ for her amazing beta skills, even though her lack of faith in my puns is disturbing. That John Oliver quote is for you, even though I wholeheartedly disagree with it. 

Disclaimer: I do think the dog’s name is terrible, and I designed it this way. I in no way think this is a good pun, or even that you should pun when naming a pet.

Enjoy!

Emma sits on her couch, contemplating the mess that her apartment has become.

(Her life also has gone down the drain, but it’s easier to think about her living room.)

She says “her” living room, but yesterday it had been “their” living room – as in hers and Walsh’s, her now former boyfriend. Turns out she’s got a knack for dating losers, because just this morning as she was brushing her hair and Walsh was putting the coffee on, the police had banged on their door to arrest him and search the apartment. 

Walsh was accused of smuggling stolen goods and embezzling. Now she understands why he’d insisted on putting the lease in her name only; bastard wanted to cover his tracks.

Emma looks at the plaster and wooden frame scattered over the floor, all that remained of her ornamental mantle; she’d told Walsh that she’d always wanted a chimney when she was a child to hang Christmas stockings from and to spend cold days in front of. He’d surprised her when she had come back from a three-day stakeout with a new addition to their living room. She’d thought it sweet at the time, even if not what she had meant at all, but she now realizes that he’d had it built to hide money inside. Tens of thousands of dollars. That he’d stolen. Sleazy fucking asshole.

Not only does she have to piece her life back together, but she also has to get her living room wall fixed. She won’t rebuild the chimney; it was gaudy and useless. Who builds a chimney with no hearth, anyway? It was a lie, just like her relationship.

Her second biggest problem yips next to her on the couch. Oh, right. She’d forgotten for a moment that her ex had left her with his dog. His dog, not theirs. He’d had it before they met, and Emma had warned Walsh when they’d moved in together that she wouldn’t take over his dog duties.

Plus that dog has the stupidest name she’s ever heard.

Frantic knocking on the door announces the arrival of Mary Margaret, the dog’s barking picking up in volume. David must have told her – did she mention that it was her brother’s squad who had searched her apartment? Bringing in her next perp is going to be all kinds of awkward, now that Lieutenant Fa knows what’s hidden in the back of her underwear drawer. 

“Emma!” her sister-in-law and best friend says as she bustles in, gasping when she sees the state of the living room. “Are you alright?”

Emma snorts. Of course she isn’t alright, but for the moment she’s letting her anger overshadow her pain. Much easier this way. “My apartment is in shambles, my brother’s coworkers snooped through my whole life, and I learnt this morning that my boyfriend was a criminal. How do you think I feel?”

“Oh honey, I’m so sorry,” Mary Margaret says, hugging her. “Do you need anything?”

While an extraordinary amount of alcohol is Emma’s first answer, she swallows it back, not wanting to incur her friend’s disapproval. A bark and a little head bumping her leg give the blonde a more appropriate answer. “Yeah, do you have the number of a good shelter? I have to take care of this guy.”

Mary Margaret gasps as if she had just disclosed her plans to kill puppies in front of babies. “What? Why would you do that to your dog? Poor little Nacy, you can’t get rid of him!”

Emma groans at the mention of the dog’s name. Walsh had wanted to be clever when naming his dog and had called him Nacious in the most terrible pun to ever be uttered. Because his dog was a pug, so he was the pug Nacious. Pugnacious. “A ferocious little guy!” Walsh used to say, elbowing Emma as if she were in on the joke. 

 Turns out Emma had been the butt of the joke all along. Ha. Ha.

“He’s not my dog,” Emma snaps, “he’s Walsh’s, and right now? I want to get rid of every single trace of that idiot from my life. Including his stupid dog.”

“Emma!” This time she’s being scolded. “I know you’re hurting, but you can’t talk this way about Nacious, he is not stupid.”

She knows he’s not stupid. His name is, though.

Mary Margaret’s wheedling as they clean up manages to overcome Emma’s resolve to get rid of Nacious. Her attempts to get Emma to change her mind culminate in Mary Margaret holding the dog up to Emma’s face and looking at her with big round eyes. She will not call them puppy eyes; she has already had enough dog-related puns to last her a lifetime. 

Emma draws the line at the name, though. It has to go.

 ----

Emma had started looking for a contractor as soon as the apartment had been cleared of debris and everything either put back in its place, or in a trashbag if it belonged to Walsh. 

(Except the engagement ring. That had been quite the surprise – one that had made her sob for a whole night as Nacious licked her face, whining in worry. The ring she had kept, planning on pawning it off. It would pay for the repairs to her living room, at least.)

She finds one quickly, right in front of her mailbox while coming back from walking Nacious on the following Saturday morning. She’s on the phone with a building company, arguing with them about the price that they want her to pay for an expert to come assess the work that needs to be done. They seem to be under the impression that she isn’t aware making her pay $200 for a simple estimate is way too much. As she ends the call rather angrily, someone clears their throat behind her, making her turn around to come face to face with one of her neighbors. She’s seen him a couple of times in the lift, but apart from noticing how handsome he was, his striking blue eyes and the fact he was British, she didn’t know anything about him, not even his name.

“I’m sorry to have eavesdropped, lass, but I understand you seem to be in need of a contractor?” he asks her, smiling tentatively.

“Why, are you one?” Emma answers quite shortly, annoyed by her phone call and nosy neighbors.

“I’m not, but my brother is,” he says, rummaging in his satchel and fishing out a business card. “He does very good work, and he provides free assessments too,” he finishes mischievously.

Emma takes the card, still wary, even as Nacious tugs on his leash, trying to get closer to the man. Jones Contracting is written in a no-nonsense black on the card, along with a website and contact info. She could give them a try, she guesses. At least if anything goes pear-shaped, she’ll know where his brother lives.

“Thanks,” she tells him, slightly mollified, “I’ll – Nacious!”

The dog had managed to pull enough on his leash to reach the man’s – Jones, she guesses – legs and had started to play with his shoelaces, pulling on them and slobbering over Jones’ shoes. Ferocious little guy, my ass , Emma thinks disdainfully. The only way it would hurt a fly is if it drooled on it too much.

Jones looks down before squatting, reaching to scratch behind the dog’s ears. “Hello little lad! In a playful mood, are we?” Then, blinking, he looks up at Emma, “Wait, did you say his name is Nacious? Pugnacious? Really ?”

“Oh, believe me, not my idea. Blame my ex for that, he had the worst sense of humor ever.”

“Clearly, if he called his dog that . What that’s quote again? ‘Wit is the lowest form of humor, and puns are the lowest form of wit’?”. 

“And also the ‘worst form of human behavior.’ I watch John Oliver too,” Emma says, smiling slightly. “Although I have to disagree with him, as Walsh sank even lower than bad puns.”

“Ah, yes, and got himself arrested for it,” her neighbor nods as he straightens up. Emma winces. So everyone in the building knows about it. Great, as if she needed to be the subject of gossip on top of everything else.

“Sorry, love, shouldn’t have said it like that. Probably shouldn’t have said it at all, to be honest,” Jones apologizes, scratching behind his ear in embarrassment. 

“Nah, it’s fine. It’s not like his arrest was very discreet, was it?”

“No, it wasn’t. But still, thinking Nacious is a good name for a dog is criminal in and of itself.”

“Which is why I’m going to change it. Just need to find something appropriate.”

“Oh, as long as it isn’t Ilist, you should be good. Can’t sink any lower.”

Emma snorts despite herself. Who knew the gorgeous Brit had a sense of humor?

 ----

And so Emma calls Jones Contractors and talks to a bubbly woman on the phone, then a tall Brit in her apartment who comes to assess (for free) what needs to be done. He introduces himself as Liam Jones, and is very professional, despite a twinkle in his eye that is quite reminiscent of the one in his brother’s gaze. The quote is reasonable and in her budget, so Emma meets Belle, Liam’s wife and co-owner to draft and sign the contract.

Work on her living room starts the next week and advances quickly. Liam is a quick worker, and works cleanly. That is, until he accidentally hits a pipe while tearing out the ruined section of wall. He ends up completely drenched before he manages to stop the leak.

“Sorry lass, do you mind if I call my brother? I can’t continue like this and I’ve got a change of clothes at his flat, it would only take a few minutes.”

“Sure,” Emma agrees, shrugging. “I’ll start mopping while you do that.”

The brother – her neighbor – arrives five minutes later, his arms full and his eyebrow raised.

“Hello lass, heard my brother was making a mess?”

Before Emma can answer, excited yips grow closer as Nacious (or Spencer, as she’s started calling him, but she’s not a fan) bounds to the door, running between Emma and Jones excitedly. 

“Good morning to you too Nacious, has your mistress found a new name for you yet?”

“Nacious? I thought his name was Spencer?” Liam says as he comes dripping to the door.

“I’m… trying out new names,” Emma explains, taking Nacious in her arms.

“Good idea, Nacious is really weird for a dog.”

“You don’t understand, brother. What kind of dog is it?”

“A pug – oh you gotta be kidding me. A pun, really?” Liam exclaims, scrunching his nose in distaste.

“It was not my idea,” Emma insists. “It was my ex’s own brand of humor.”

“There’s no humor in that, lass, merely mediocrity. That arse deserves every day of jail he’s gonna get, even if only for that pun.”

Emma agrees, even if she can’t believe that even her contractor knows about her terrible taste in men. Then again, his brother probably had filled him in as to why she needed work done in her apartment. Still.

Liam takes the clothes from Killian and turns without another word towards the bathroom, muttering under his breath about arseholes and punsters and bloody crimes against humanity , leaving Emma and her neighbor standing a little awkwardly in her entryway.

“Well, that’s Liam,” Killian says, shaking his head slightly. “My brother has never managed to master social graces, I’m afraid.”

Emma snorts, before looking behind her and sighing. “Better get back to mopping, I guess.”

Killian curiously looks over her shoulder at the living room, and his eyes widen when he sees the mess of water and soaked towels on the floor. 

“That’s quite the mess you’ve got there, Swan,” he grimaces. “Would you like some help?”

“Oh no, don’t worry about it,” Emma says, putting Spencer down to grab the mop. “I’ve got it cov– Na– Spencer, no !”

Her stupid ex’s dog has run through the puddle and is now zipping across the whole apartment, leaving tracks everywhere and – oh no, he’s jumped onto the couch.

A light chuckle sounds behind her. “Are you sure you don’t need help, love?”

Without a word, Emma shoves the mop in Killian’s hands and goes to get her wet dog off the couch, wiping his feet with the last dry towel in her apartment before locking him in her bedroom. When she comes back to her living room, Liam has exited the bathroom and is working on fixing the burst pipe and bantering with Killian, who’s wringing the wet towels on the floor into a bucket before dropping them back on the hardwood. It feels… nice, her living room lively again after weeks of being an empty shell for her memories. 

Emma joins them after a few seconds to finish taking care of the puddle and clean the dirty tracks crisscrossing her living space. It seriously looks like a whole football team (and their probably less stupidly-named dog) have traipsed through her apartment after practice. Once it’s done, Killian doesn’t leave. They spend the afternoon trying to teach Spencer his new name as Liam pretends to work, though it seems the dog’s not a fan; Even his favorite treats don’t convince him to respond to their call, though they do prompt Liam’s laughter every time.

The next days pass in the same manner, with Killian and Emma trying to find a name that Nacious will answer to, Nacious spending his time either ignoring them or slobbering between them, and Liam alternating between repairing Emma’s wall and bantering with his brother and Emma. It’s nice, it’s comfortable, it’s warm . Emma also learns new things about Killian: he’s a professor of British history at Boston College and is on break right now, he loves Twain, despises Melville, and lost the fight to name his and his brother’s sailboat the Jolly Roger. It turns out, he is a huge nerd.

Emma is disappointed when Liam finishes at the end of the week, already missing her afternoons with the two Jones brothers – okay, one in particular, and it’s not the one covered in paint. Which is why she’s surprised to hear knocking on her door on Saturday morning, though Nacious’ excitement (or Windham, as they tried to christen him yesterday – Nacious isn’t a fan of British Conservatives, apparently) gives her a clue as to who might be behind the door. Seriously, it had been love at first sight for her dog; she’d be jealous of the attention Killian is getting, if she weren’t so vindictively satisfied that Nacious had never reacted this way to Walsh. There’s justice in the world, apparently.

Opening the door does reveal Killian, who smiles at Emma before greeting her dog, scratching behind his ears until Nacious’ tongue lolls out in bliss. Strangely enough, Killian keeps a hand behind his back.

“Killian! Can I help you?”

“Er, no,” her neighbor says, straightening up. “I just wondered if you’d allow me to give a small gift to Winston?”

Emma blinks, nonplussed. Of all the things she had expected, this was definitely not one of them. She watches as Killian gets a squeaky chicken toy dressed like a pirate from behind his back and holds it out to her. Emma takes it and can’t help but squeeze. Windham/Nacious turns towards the noise immediately, his eyes locking on the source of the noise and his little paws shuffling excitedly on the floor. Emma looks at the chicken, completely blown away. She had mentioned a couple of days ago wanting to replace Nacious’ squeaky toy as a throwaway remark, and they’d been joking about trying pirate names next. The guy had listened to her, and bought a pirate chicken for her dog. He was funny, clever, and handsome to boot. 

Also, there was no way tens of thousands of dollars were hidden in that toy. 

“Would you like to get coffee sometime?” she blurts out, raising her eyes just in time to see a blush steal across Killian’s face.

“Shouldn’t I be the one doing the asking?” he quips, raising an eyebrow teasingly.

“Well, I did it first,” Emma shoots back, smiling slightly. “So?”

“I’d love to, love,” comes Killian’s answer, as he smiles widely at her.

Emma smiles back, feeling giddy. So giddy, in fact, she doesn’t notice Nacious snapping the squeaky toy out of her limp hand and running back into the apartment, squeaks and yips sounding alternately. 

----

4 years later

Emma sits on her couch, contemplating the mess that her living room has become. Toys, both for kids and dogs, litter the floor as screams and splashes sound from the bathroom. From the noise alone, Emma guesses she’ll have to take the mop out… again. Her cheeks hurt from smiling.

Just as she’s about to get up to start tidying up, someone knocks on the door. She wonders who would come at this hour on a Sunday night. She hopes it isn’t Mrs Johnson from down the hall again; the last time she had lent her neighbor her toaster, it had come back smelling like cabbage, of all things. 

It’s not Mrs Johnson, though – it’s Walsh, of all people.

“Hey Em,” he says, smiling so widely it looks more like a grimace. “Long time no see, eh?”

“Yeah, weird how being locked up kills your social life, doesn’t it?” Emma snaps back, already tired with his shit. 

“Look, I’m not here to argue, I’m just here to get my things,” Walsh says, finally dropping the smile.

“Your things? Dude, they were either donated to Goodwill or thrown out years ago, did you really think I would keep them for you?”

“I… what?” The asshole actually has the gall to look outraged for a second before he rallies, frowning. “Half of what’s in this apartment is mine, Emma, you know it. I want my share.”

“Actually, no. According to the lease, this apartment is mine, and mine only. Anything else?”

Even after all these years, Emma is deeply satisfied to see Walsh flounder as he stands in the hallway. She can hear a tell-tale squeak and yip coming from behind her. Walsh hears it too.

“Nacious? Is that Nacious? You still have my dog?” He sounds actually hopeful. As if.

“Not your dog anymore, dude.”

“Damn right it is!” Walsh exclaims, raising his voice in anger. “Give me my dog back right now, I paid more than a thousand for him, he’s mine !” he goes on, thumping on the door. “Nacious! Come here, boy!”

And oh, does her dog come. He comes right at Walsh’s ankle, biting it as his former owner yowls in pain, hopping in place and looking at him with a mix of anger and incredulity.

“Westley!” Emma calls, before Walsh can get it into his mind to kick her dog. Westley jiggles to Emma smugly, visibly proud of himself for saving his mistress. Emma picks him up, and look at Walsh, who’s still jumping and swearing in the corridor. The opportunity is too beautiful to pass.

“Quite the ferocious little guy, isn’t he?” she chirps, before saying in a much sterner tone. “Never show your face here, ever again. Next time, I’ll be the one to take care of you.” 

And then she slams the door.

“Love, is something the matter?” Killian asks, exiting the bathroom with their giggling daughter in his arms. 

Emma smiles, looking at the sight of her husband completely soaked, with suds slowly dissolving in his hair as Westley and their baby girl yammer at each other.

“No babe, everything is absolutely perfect.”